#i haven’t even said anything weird but the idea is still terrifying

[secretsofblackthornhall]

Emma To Bruce

Dear Bruce,

We did it! The curse is broken! Rupert is free! Long live Rupert!

In retrospect, it’s insane how much of this we tried to do by ourselves. We should have known that when we finally succeeded we would do it with a whole team present—in this case Jem, Tessa, Kit, and Magnus. (Mina assisted by raising morale and drawing all over everything with her toy stele.)

Everyone’s still here, too, and we can relax a little in a newly uncursed house. (It really is quite homey, now that it’s been cleaned up and, you know, had its demonic aura dispelled.) Everyone except Magnus, who left this afternoon in a great rush to get back to New York.

New paragraph to talk about this, actually, because I have a lot of questions that don’t have answers and I can only ask you, Bruce. So Magnus was in a hurry to get back because of a meeting Alec is holding with Luke and some other Downworlders about plans for negotiating with the Cohort. Okay, but I feel like the Cohort doesn’t have much leverage, right? The situation is way worse for them than for us. We should be able to wait them out—shouldn’t we?

I mean they have a symbolic advantage, I guess. We’re all Shadowhunters and we all miss Idris and Alicante and Lake Lyn and probably a lot of us left stuff there we can’t get back and oh right, also a lot of people lived there who have had to evacuate all over the world and want to get back. I get that. But, like…what are the Cohort even eating in there? Idris doesn’t really grow food. Are they all homesteading in there? Raising crops? Churning butter? It’s kind of hard to imagine Zara doing any of that. But you never know. I mean, there aren’t even any demons to fight in there. Which is a good reminder that Shadowhunters are definitely not meant to hole up in Idris where there’s no demons for them to fight. I feel like Raziel was pretty clear on that point.

They must be losing their minds in there. I hope they found some board games or something.

Maybe Zara has declared herself Queen for Life and she doesn’t have to farm because she just marches around threatening to kill anybody who doesn’t grow her a potato right this instant.

Or maybe we haven’t heard anything because they all ate each other in there. Or maybe they mutinied against Zara and someone else gets to threaten to kill people now.

Okay, end of pondering the Cohort. I’m in a good mood, or was before I started this entry, anyway. We’ve been hanging out with Jem and Tessa and Kit and it’s really great. We ordered in Chinese (delivery couriers are always a bit terrified to come up the driveway, but we tip them like crazy so they’ve started to know us while we’ve been here). We lit candles—for ambience instead of for dark magic, what an idea!—and ate dumplings until we were too full to move, a thing I haven’t done since Magnus and Alec’s wedding. Apparently if I am offered dumplings, I will eat them until I become a dumpling myself. To that I say: I would never reject becoming that which I love most.

Anyway. Even Kit was less broody than usual tonight! He was hanging out with Round Tom and they seemed to be getting on okay. Oh, and I almost forgot! How could I forget! The workers found a coffin buried in the garden. But there was not a horrifying dead body inside, but rather a bunch of old stuff! Using a coffin as a time capsule seemed like a weird choice to me, but Tessa and Jem made some faces and some noises that suggested there was a long-ish story there we’ll have to ask about later.

Anyway, in the coffin was A SCABBARD FOR CORTANA. I mean, right? Can you believe it? Tessa said it used to belong to Cordelia Carstairs, who was Cortana’s wielder generations ago. The scabbard needs a lot of cleaning (a lot of cleaning) but then it can be reunited with Cortana. (After all, I think it’s probably more Cortana’s possession than anyone else’s; perhaps they’ll be happy to be reunited.)

There was also a sword for Julian—what used to be a Blackthorn family sword, but this one is only a hilt, its blade is totally missing, I have no idea why. He’s talking about getting it reforged. Big shock, Round Tom knows a guy. Triangular Jerry. No, I’m kidding on the name, but Round Tom actually does know a blacksmith and he and Julian have started talking about getting that done. (Actually, what Round Tom wants to do is have a forge installed at Chiswick, which is a cool idea, but do we want another building project on top of all the others? I mean, maybe, having a forge here at the house would be pretty cool.)

Oh, you might be wondering about Rupert’s ring, since it’s not like he could take it with him, and he hasn’t come back for it in a ghost way. Magnus checked it out and said no magic any more, just an ordinary ring Tatiana must have enchanted to bind Rupert. But none of us is going to wear it, of course. So we put it on the mantelpiece in the drawing room. Where it will remain.

The Gray-Carstairs-Herondaleses are heading back to Cirenworth tomorrow. It’s been really great having them here, but you know, it will be nice to have them go and have it be just Julian and I here in the house, not feeling creepy all the time. That seems like good times for us.

#

Bruce, good times are canceled. Everything’s gone wrong. I guess I was a little too smug about how everything was going; the universe had to come and screw it up for me.

Mina is gone.

And by gone I mean kidnapped.

And by kidnapped I mean, the kidnapper left a creepy old-timey porcelain doll (with wide, dead eyes, ugh) in her place, and a note.

I had just finished writing the above stuff when I heard a horrible scream from upstairs and loud footsteps, and came out to find everyone gathered in Mina’s room staring in horror.

I immediately thought oh no, another curse, or the same curse, the curse isn’t over, and maybe you did too, but that’s not what this is. This is something else entirely. Something involving faeries. Something involving Faerie.

Tessa picked up the note, read it, and handed it to Jem with a bad look on her face. Julian was already opening the window to see if anyone could be spotted outside, and I read over Jem’s shoulder:

[withacapitalp]

@lazylittledragon did more Mombin (check it out here it's great) which I think means I might be contractually obliged to write more fic that is inspired by it. Like wowza I am obsessed with this concept

Tw: vomiting/morning sickness, reddit, discussions of cancer

Robin was dying. 

That was the only explanation. 

Dying. 

And the worst part was, she was dying of something that was both incredibly funny, and incredibly sad, and she had been so desperate for answers that she had gone to a place no mortal should ever dare to go to. 

Reddit. 

Posted by u/familyvideobrokeme

I (24F) think that I might have breast cancer, and I have no idea how to tell my (25M) best friend.

So my best friend “Sam” and I have been attached at the hip for as long as I can remember. He’s not just a friend to me, he’s my person (and before you get any ideas- I’m a lesbian, so no, not happening.) we tell each other everything, even the super gross stuff neither of us wants to hear- like seriously he’s asked me to check his ass to see if he managed to pop the pimple he found there before- so I’ve never been in this position before…

But I think I’m dying of breast cancer, and I have no clue how to start this conversation. 

It just came on really suddenly??? Like last month I was fine, and this month my boobs just hurt in this really weird way I’ve never experienced before? Like I’m sore and tingly and my bras don’t fit?! Boobs are kind of a joke between us though, so I feel like if I just blurt it out then he will start saying ‘boobie cancer’ over and over at me and we will just end up laughing and he’ll think I’m kidding. 

Sam is also my roommate? I don’t know if that matters here? I also haven’t gone to a doctor yet, but there isn’t anything else this can be, right? Nothing else just magically makes your boobs hurt and get big?

Robin had made the post at three am the night before while crying and eating Ben and Jerry’s, and she had forced herself to not look at replies all night, even going as far as to shut her phone off entirely.

But now it was the next day, and she had steadfastly ignored the notifications from Reddit all the way through Saturday Brunch and Bitch. 

She couldn’t ignore them anymore. 

“You’re good if I work a little?” Robin asked, pulling her laptop close to her and carefully angling it so Steve couldn’t see the screen. 

“As you wish,” Steve muttered, completely absorbed with whatever dog video he was watching. 

“Dingus,” She whispered affectionately, an odd mixture of love and guilt crashing in her chest as she opened the website and logged into her account. She had over a thousand notifications now, and the comments were still rolling in as she opened her post and scrolled down. 

Endofthebeginningoftheend

OP are you sure you’re not in love with Sam

Grapenuts Dude she said she’s a lesbian

View 564 more replies

Robin rolled her eyes. She had expected that, but she didn’t expect it to be the top comment. She quickly scrolled past. 

Cheercaptainfromhell

OP I would definitely go to a doctor before anything else! 

SmeddieSmunson Seriously how has she gotten this far without going to a doctor??

The answer was easy. Robin was terrified of doctors. Why go to a doctor when Steve had EMT training? 

Because in this instance she couldn’t ask Steve for help. 

Robin kept scrolling. 

Frenchiefreis

You might be pregnant honestly…I would take a test first

Headphilosopher She’s a lesbian so I doubt it, but pregnancy can also cause those symptoms-

Robin snorted to herself, side eyeing Steve to make sure he didn’t look up when she did. 

Did everyone just ignore the part where she said she was a lesbian? 

…was Robin ignoring the part where being a lesbian didn’t mean fuck all when it came to her chances of getting pregnant?

Yes she was ignoring it because it was once just once and they had barely even gotten to do anything at all and-

Robin scrolled again, growing more and more desperate

Rummingbird

That doesn’t really sound like breast cancer to me My mom had similar things happen when she was pregnant though-

Another scroll. Another flutter of her heart. 

No. It wasn’t that. She was dying. Dying was bad but the idea that she was…that she could be…

HyllyBRd

OP have you considered that you might be pregnant? I know that you’re a lesbian, but if you’ve had penetrative sex in the last month then you might want to consider-

“Are you going to be good for me?” 

Robin gasped as the memory hit her, closing the reddit tab with a slam of her finger on the mouse pad, her entire body starting to softly shake as she panic opened a google tab.

Boobs hurt????

Not exactly the most scientific way of phrasing that question, but Robin needed an answer that didn’t involve nine long months of what the fuck. Luckily there was a read more question that got right to the heart of the issue. 

What kind of breast pain indicates pregnancy? 

It was going to say something completely different to what she had, and Robin was going to laugh, and then she would turn to Steve and let him know she was dying of boobie cancer. 

It wasn’t going to be the same. 

It wasn’t. 

Robin looked at the screen. 

Fuller. Sorer. Tingly pain that felt unlike anything else. Aka exactly what she had. 

Robin’s fingers moved on autopilot, asking another question of Google

How late should my period be before I worry?

Worrying about what? She knew about what, but she couldn’t bring herself to type it, she couldn't even think of that word yet.

Google said after a week of missing your period it was time to see a doctor. Robin’s period was over three weeks late. 

And a month ago-

A month ago…

“Fuck you’re so tight,” The woman above her whispered. Robin whimpered, unable to help herself as the stretch-

“I need to use the bathroom.” She blurted out, slamming her laptop shut and practically throwing it off of her, stomach twisting into knots. 

“I’ll tell you what I tell my students Bobbin,” Steve said, barely looking up and completely unaware of her meltdown, “You don’t need to ask me for permission to go take care of your bodily functions,”

“Oh, shut up,” Robin replied, laughing breathlessly. It was such a stupid joke, such a meaningless stupid joke. But it was safe, and it was familiar, and if the sneaking suspicion creeping down Robin’s spine was true, then nothing would be safe and familiar again for a very long time. 

She stood up, stopping to press a kiss to the top of Steve’s head as she walked by, just because that was familiar too and she needed it. Steve hummed, leaning over to bonk his head against her tummy as she passed him.

A bonk on the tummy that may or may not be-

Nope. It was a no. It was definitely a no. There was no possible way. 

Robin was going to be sick. 

She basically flew the last few steps to the bathroom, managing to lock it tight before she threw up in the sink. It was disgusting, and messy, and she pushed the tap on before kneeling down at the porcelain throne and continuing to hurl. 

I need Steve.

It wasn’t even really a thought. She couldn’t think while throwing her guts up, that was an experience that required every bit of her attention and mind power. 

No, not a thought, just an instinctual message from the universe, a pull from somewhere deep inside her that felt like more than just a truth. 

Because Robin didn’t need Steve because she was throwing up. Or because she thought she might have boob cancer. 

Robin needed Steve because she knew she was pregnant. 

“Fuck me,” She groaned, leaning back from the toilet only to lean forward once more as the rest of brunch came back up. 

[octopotto]

Yandere! Azul Ashengrotto General Headcanons

OCTO NOTE: Okay I know I said that I would work on the Cloud Strife hcs but then I got sad and thought about Azul lmaooo

Think of this as a celebration post for the live action The Little Mermaid release!! Has anyone seen it yet?? 

Warnings: NOT PROOF-READ, Yandere behaviour, manipulation, obsession, OOC madness, blackmail, insecurities, Jade and Floyd, this is a mess lmao I’m sorry.

**WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR TWISTED WONDERLAND

REMINDER: Yandere behaviour of any kind is unhealthy behaviour. It should not be something to seek out in real life. If you are experiencing any sort of inappropriate behaviour, please contact help/seek out help.

**The reader will ALWAYS be Gender-Neutral! 

ps. HAPPY PRIDE MONTH TO MY FELLOW LGBTQIA+ <3333

———————————-••———————————

- Azul can be described as a greedy, manipulative, and intelligent individual who uses logical reasoning and sometimes solid ‘evidence’ to succeed, whether it be his business or his education. 

- At least on the outside.

- On the inside is an insecure, isolated, and paranoid little octopus that when cornered, just can’t help but slowly become unable to contain the facade he worked on for years.

- Now imagine this sad lil’ octopus as a yandere

- Not good lol

- I mean yes, the manipulative and intelligent nature of Azul are probably the main reasons as to why he’s one of the more terrifying yanderes in the TWST cast.

- But it’s because of him being very self-conscious of everything, as well as years of being isolated from his peers at a young age, Azul can be very much a clingy type as well. Especially to ones he cherishes the most. 

- Which is unfortunately you! :D

- At first, Azul thought nothing of you

- Only seeing you as a pawn for his own selfish gain.

- But as Book 3 progressed and the on-going reports from the Leech twins, Azul can’t help but become curious of your character, dear prefect.

- Why do you care so much about those 3 fools? You haven’t even known them for a year and yet here you are! Sacrificing your well-being to save them.

- It sickens him.

- The thought of your selflessness makes him sick to his stomach.

- But despite that, he starts to think about you more.

- And begins to imagines

- What if he was the one you were going all out for?

- The one you were taking care of?

- The thought of that shell-shocked him for a bit.

- He shook it off and proceeded to his planning once more.

- Once everything ended with Azul’s overblot, you decided to personally talk to him.

- Telling him that you also went through some of the same issues that he had as well.

- Pointing out your flaws, outwards and inwards.

- It’s just you trying to show Azul that he wasn’t alone when it came to these problems. That’s he’s not the only one who’s worked so hard to cover up their past in order to move on.

- To say that Azul was shocked was an understatement.

- In fact he didn’t really say anything while you were talking to him.

- All he did was listen to you.

- And for the first time

- He felt that he wasn’t being made fun of or mocked.

- It was…comforting.

- Azul is clingy.

- Be it in his human form or his octopus form.

- During the museum scene in Book 3 (when the gang looked at the field trip photo), you couldn’t help but hug him after seeing lil’ smol and chubby Azul.

- He looked soo cute and cuddly!! 

- Bby Azul!!

- He was in shocked

- He couldn’t move

- But didn’t try to leave your embrace.

- He just stood still.

- He didn’t understand 

- For the first time in a while, he felt at peace.

- But at the same time, his heart was starting to beat uncontrollably and his breathing was becoming heavy.

- Ace was weirded out.

- Deuce had no idea what was going on .

- Grim was hungry.

- Jack wanted to leave.

- Floyd and Jade were snickering in the background while this unfolded 

- Azul was fuming out of embarrassment when he heard them snicker.

- It was at this point where Azul fell in love with you.

- So ever since then, he secretly longs for your company.

- Walking beside you

- Asking if you’re in needs of favours that only he can fix for you

- If you give him a hug, that man will hold onto you for a while.

- He doesn't even realize it until you mention it to him.

- Even if you’re in the Monstro Lounge, as long as he knows you’re somewhere in the same vicinity as him, he’s at peace for a bit.

“Ah! D-dear Prefect! I didn’t even notice you’ve arrived at the lounge. W-well I know! I know that I wasn’t in the lounge when you came in, I was in my office working on our marriage contract— I mean—! Contacts for fellow peers who need some assistance. And— Floyd! Jade! I can hear your mocking from here! Stop it!”

- Speaking of Floyd and Jade,

- They very much enjoy having you around the lounge.

- Or just when you’re around in general.

- You provide so much entertainment for them, it’s amusing to watch.

- Especially if Azul is around.

- They haven’t seen Azul like that since he was a lil octopus.

- But, like Azul, they also grown fond of you.

- Not like that tho

- Like a sibling

- A lil Shrimpy for them to protect and play with!

- As they grow more fond of you, they start to see you as a pitiful and defenceless Shrimpy.

- Despite you saving them from Azul’s blot form but oh well—

- They have to protect you!!

- So don’t try to run away from them

- It’s pretty much useless at this point.

“Hey hey, Shirmpy~ Let’s play together!! You know it’s useless struggling! Especially since you’re soo puny~ *Giggles* C’mon! I promise that if you stay good, I’ll squeeze you less tight than usual~”

“Fu fu fu~ Floyd please be gentle. You don’t want to scare them more than they already are. Dear prefect, don't be alarmed. We simply want to spend a little quality time with you before Azul orders us to bring you to the lounge.”

******

- Despite Azul being a very cunning and manipulative individual, he’s also very self-conscious. 

- Azul puts these precautions and restrictions on you because he’s scared that you’ll leave. 

- He’s paranoid that you’ll just run off and find another person that’s better than him.

- He’s always been casted aside for almost all his life.

- That’s why he made sure to cover up all of his past self.

- He doesn’t want to be that ‘octo-twerp’ anymore.

- He doesn’t want you to think of him as that twerp he was years ago.

- He doesn’t want you, the person he loves so much, to see him like that.

- Even with all the reassurance from you.

- Believe it or not, Azul takes your opinions of him in high regards

- Meaning if he finds out about something you don’t like about him (beside the obvious problematic traits he has), he would make sure to change, if not conceal them, in order  for you to stay happy with him.

- As long as you’re happy, he’s happy.

- He just doesn’t want you to leave him, is that so hard to ask for?

- So please just stay

- For the sake of his own being entirely.

- And if you don’t?

- Hoo boy—

- You thought Azul was bad during the 3rd book with his contracts? 

- It’s gets worst 

- Especially since it’s business mixed with love. 

- Let’s get this outta the way, this man will search high and low for any flaw or problem you have. 

- He’ll find anything and I mean anything.

- Whether it be you’re struggling with (school, education, etc) or something you did. 

- If he can’t find worthy material, he’ll just make up something believable. Then will exaggerate that shit till you can't even defend yourself.

- He will find a way, he'll find something to use against you.

- And once he has all of the information he needs to trap help you, all he has to do is call in one (or both if you’re slippery lmao) of the tweel twins to ‘kindly escort’ you to his office!

- This is Azul we’re talking about. He’s always ready to lend a hand to a fellow peer in need.

- And it’s totally out of the kindness of his 3 pure and selfless hearts.

- What a saint.

- 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

- Whatever problem Azul decides to blackmail you with, the only way for him to solve it is for you is to give your unconditional love and devotion to him.

- He will also give you his love and devotion as well. But he didn’t say that out loud.

- At this point, you just have to give in.

- I mean, look at what could happen if Azul leaks out the blackmail material he’s using against you.

- You could possibly get kicked out of Night Raven.

- Where would you and Grim go? You’re not even from here! You don’t even have enough money saved up.

- Even if you could threaten Azul with fraudulence (if the accusations he presented were false), there’s nothing that Floyd and Jade can’t do when needing to silence someone.

- And both are glad to do so if you’re planning to leave them. 

“My dear Prefect! Why are you looking so downcast? Is it because of what I said? Oh, don’t worry! If anything happens to you, it will be alright as long as you sign this contract I have provided before you. You don’t want to? Then hopefully you don’t mind Floyd and Jade kindly convincing you to do so? I promise you, prefect, you’ll be fine with me as long as you do what I say. My generosity and unconditional love holds no bounds when it comes to you.”

———————————-••———————————

OCTO NOTE: OKAY! This is probably the most out of character fic I’ve written so far. So please forgive me!! 😭😭😭

But I hope you enjoy this lil fic! I will be working on Cloud’s Headcanons now! <33

ALSO— THANK YOU ALL SM FOR 100+ HEARTS FOR BOTH SILVER FICS!!!! I PROMISE I'LL ALSO WRITE MORE FOR OUR SLEEPY BOY ❤️❤️❤️

[princessamericachavez]

911 6x12 CODA

“I lied to Buck the other day.”

It’s not how Eddie expected to start his therapy session with Frank. Even though the idea had been bothering him for two entire days since the late night conversation in his kitchen, like a splinter under his skin that wouldn’t stop pestering him. I lied. I lied. I lied. But he was still surprised when the words fell off his mouth the instant he sat down.

Frank’s eyebrows arch slightly, prompting him to continue.

Eddie rubs a hand over his face, trying to clear his mind to put his thoughts in order.

“He came over to my house a couple days ago, running away from everyone else who kept showing up at his place to check up on him. So he came to my place, fell asleep on the couch before I’d even pulled the beers out of the fridge,” the memory makes him chuckle quietly with something close to fondness that he doesn’t dare poke at yet. “Anyway, when he woke up he was… quiet. Weird. I mean, I can’t blame him for it, right? He died. It’s not exactly something to brush off and move on.”

Frank’s eyes sparkle with something like amusement.

“Yes, yes, I know that’s rich coming from me.”

“Not at all. It’s often easier to cut others more slack than we do ourselves. You still haven’t told me how you lied to him.”

“He asked me about the shooting,” Eddie says, and even now the question sounds blunt. Buck hadn’t been blunt, he’d been careful and vulnerable as he asked. “I told him the truth, mostly. I said I remember the pain, falling, and then everything went black. I told him I remember thinking my life was over and then waking up in the hospital. No bright lights, no dreams, none of that.”

Frank nods slowly. Frank knows. It took them months of building trust, but eventually Eddie had talked about the shooting at large. Everything he remembers dissected slowly to help his brain reprocess the memory.

“That’s still the truth,” Frank offers, kindly. “It’s omission at most.”

“He asked if that was it,” Eddie looks down, trying to keep the edge of anger (at himself) off his voice. “I said it was.”

“Why do you think you did that?”

“Because it’s what he needed to hear. He was- he wasn’t really asking about what happened to me. This is about what happened to him. He died. He fucking- Buck died. He’s dealing with it, trying to make sense to what he’s feeling. I know better than anyone else what that’s like. The last thing he needs is for me to dump my- my own trauma on him too.”

“Do you think Buck is dumping his trauma on you by talking about it?”

Eddie’s eyes shoot up towards Frank and the anger in them would be enough to make nearly anyone flinch. But Frank isn’t just anyone and he doesn’t budge.

“Of course not.”

Frank nods slowly.

“It’s different, though.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not the one who died.”

“No, you’re just the one who saw your best friend die right in front of you.”

It’s like lightning. The sentence shocks Eddie with its unexpected bluntness. Frank sighs gently and puts down his notepad, which Eddie is incredibly thankful for.

“You haven’t talked much about how you felt in that moment.”

Eddie feels the urge to shut down. To make a snide comment about how it obviously wasn’t the best three minutes of his life but it’s ok now because Buck is fine. Instead, he pauses and really tries to think about it, to analyze how he felt, how he feels now.

“I was terrified. I saw him hanging there, like a broken doll, and I-“ He cleans one stubborn tear off his face. “I kept calling him, praying he’d reply, that he’d move, that he’d turn to look at me and smile and say he was alright. But- his body was so heavy. I couldn’t-“ a sob wrecks through him. “I couldn’t pull him up. Couldn’t do anything other than help him down. I- I know that’s good. That I got him help. But I felt- fuck I felt helpless. My best friend was dying… he was dead. I could tell. He wasn’t moving. He wasn’t breathing. I could tell he was dead. There was nothing I could do. I wanted- I needed to do something. To do more. But I-“

He stops, takes a moment to breathe. Frank let’s him pull himself together for a couple silent minutes until he’s able to speak again.

“It must have been hard,” Frank says finally, with gentleness that manages to avoid pity. “Would you say, then, that Buck dying was something that didn’t just happen to him? That it happened to you too?”

Eddie pauses and frowns down at his hands. He thinks of the fear and the loss and the anger. He remembers the way his whole heart was falling to pieces.

“Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.”

Frank nods gently. If he had the pad in his hands, Eddie knows he would be taking notes.

“Have you talked to him about it? About how you felt?”

Eddie huffs a laugh and shakes his head. They both know that’s not something that he ever plans on doing.

“You don’t know Buck like I do,” he says, though he’s pretty sure Frank could make a perfect psychological profile of his best friend just from hearing Eddie talk so much about him. “He’s the guy who wants to fix things. Always. I can’t- I can’t dump this on him, make him carry my pain on top of his. Not again…”

“Again?”

“He’s just… he’s the one person I can always rely on. But this- I can’t dump this on him too.”

“Or the shooting,” Frank nods. “That’s why you lied.”

“Yeah. I guess… Buck will carry the weight of the world for others, but he’s already dealing with so much, I couldn’t make him carry it too.”

“What makes you think he isn’t carrying it already?”

Eddie blinks up at Frank, confused.

“We agreed that Buck getting hit by lightning, Buck dying right in front of you, is something that didn’t just happen to him. It affected you too, correct? So… by that logic, you getting shot right in front of him…”

“…is something that happened to Buck, too.”

Frank nods. He grabs his note pad again but makes no signs of writing on it for the time being.

“Why don’t you walk me though the memories you left out?”

“You already know.”

“Indulge me.”

Eddie sighs heavily and runs a hand through his face. It’s not hard finding those memories, they are imprinted deep under his skin like the bullet scars that greet him every morning in the mirror. Time and therapy have helped him talk about them without shutting down, though.

“I told him the truth about the pain and falling. I just… I remember seeing him there, covered in blood. I didn’t know whose it was, I still didn’t understand I’d been shot. After I- after I fell, I remember reaching out for him. I was- I thought I was dying and I was reaching out for him. Then I remember his voice, even in the darkness, calling for him. They said he pulled me under the engine. I just remember bits of pieces of it, the pain as he dragged me by the arm, the smell of gas oil. Then I remember laying down, the pain of his hands pressing the wound. I think- I think I asked if he was hurt,” Eddie chuckles wetly through the tears, embarrassed. “He looked so scared. I didn’t- I don’t think I understood. Until now.”

He’s quiet for a long time and thankful that Frank gives him a moment to compose himself again before finally asking:

“What makes you think that Buck doesn’t remember?”

Eddie blinks, like he is waking up from a nightmare.

“I don’t- I mean, I suppose he does.”

“Sounds like something you wouldn’t easily forget.”

“Yeah, yeah, I suppose.”

“Then what are you protecting him from? By claiming you don’t remember? I’m only asking because you said you didn’t want to dump your own trauma on him… but it sounds to me like he’s already carrying those memories, those moments. Perhaps, you not telling him isn’t protecting him.”

“It’s protecting myself,” Eddie deflates. “And I’m making him think that he’s carrying all that alone… again.”

“Eddie, you and Buck are partners, right? You face danger together, you have each other’s backs, you help each other carry the weight of the life you chose.”

Eddie is tempted to say it’s more than that. That they are a package deal, that they have created a life together of sorts, that they are practically raising Christopher together, that he can’t imagine his life without Buck any more than he can imagine Buck’s without him, that they would walk through fire to make sure the other is alright. Instead, he just nods.

“Then, you need to trust each other to carry the weight together. If you wouldn’t want Buck to do it alone, do you think he’d want you to?”

“No, I guess not. But I don’t know if I’m ready to tell him the whole truth. Not yet…”

“You don’t have to do anything. But you came in here saying you lied to Buck, clearly it’s been bothering you. So maybe you need to sit down and think about how you feel and what you need to do.”

Eddie knows. He knows he needs to tell Buck the truth. So Buck won’t think he carries the weight alone. So they can do it together, as a team. So they can move on from all this grief and near-loss.

…but not yet. Not now. Maybe later, when he looks less fragile and hurt, when his blue eyes aren’t pining him desperate for a sliver of hope, when he can look at him without thinking of his ribs cracking under his palms or his lack of pulse. Maybe then, they can sit down and talk about what it’s like to nearly lose each other… and what it might mean. Let yourself feel it, he’d told him. But what he feels is too much to put in words just yet. Maybe soon.

[somethin-human]

My Darlin’/Tank headcanons

(Forgive me, I am feeling gross and congested so if sentences sound weird, that’s probably why lol bc my brain has stopped working)

They have naturally super white looking hair, but dyed the underneath layer black

Idk if this is considered a headcanon but like they genuinely have no idea how to cook. They know how to heat up things in a microwave, but like if not that, then they’re completely lost.

They are the cuddly type when they are drunk or sick.

Whenever they wake up from a nap (that Sam forced them into), they’re shift and do a big stretch.

Addition to that, they’re also do that thing that dogs do sometimes and nudge their snout to Sam’s butt (like the side of it) and it always makes Sam giggle.

Sam and Darlin’ still haven’t gone on a proper date. Not for any particular reason, they just don’t really find it necessary and just chill at home and watch movies.

When they broke up with Quinn, they chopped off all their hair with a knife. Not even with scissors, a whole ass knife. And their hair looked super choppy but cool looking.

When their hair grew back out, Angel was the one to fix it up a little bit.

Sam has a basement that he never used but when Darlin’ moved in, they turned it into a gym because they took a liking to boxing.

They still have an iPhone 4, and they completely shattered the screen but it still works completely fine. Sam and William have INSISTED on getting them a new phone but they always turn it down. (Is this a self insert? Probably? But thankfully I don’t have an iPhone 4 anymore… now I have a 6s 😩)

They did have a gender crisis when they were a younger teen, but then decided to just go with whatever.

Anarchist

Sometimes David asks if they would want to be a part of a gig and sometimes they say yes, but David always plans for them not to show up until an hour after they’re supposed to be there.

They’re complete ass at Minecraft, but they play with the other mates because why not.

There’s a cliff in the forest that surrounds their and Sam’s cabin and sometimes when they feel “eh”, they’ll just sit near it and watch the birds.

If they’re terrified of anything, it’s thunder.

They’re really good at quickly calming their panic attacks because they’re scared of being vulnerable and hate crying in front of people.

They have stollen several flannels from Sam.

Sweetheart got them a weighted blanket and it’s their favorite thing.

Sam bought them a stuffed animal. They said it was cute, in like a “oh, yeah, thanks” kind of way, but whenever he comes home from a clan meeting, he finds them curled up with his pillow and the stuffed animal.

(I have more, but this is what y’all are getting)

[listener-symphony]

I’m bored and I have the power to randomly generate pairs and such, soo, making up random interactions with randomized pairs (plus one trio cuz there’s an odd number). Below the cut because it’s gonna be long (there’s a lot of characters!

(Also it’s okay if nobody has anything they want to send in as an ask but if you’re just being shy or worried I want you to know that 99% of the time askblogs would love to receive an ask and you’re not being a bother by doing it. Don’t know if anybody needed to hear that it’s just I personally always get worried that askblogs receive too many asks so I try not to send them but I’ve done ask series in the past so I know that usually they would love to get a single ask and if they DO have too many they would close the ask box or say something about it, so if they haven’t, you should always send something. That’s all, hope this doesn’t sound like I’m begging for asks I’m just trying to give genuine advice for interacting with askblogs lol)

Okay now to the randomized interactions!

-

LimL!Pearl: Oh! Hi Lizzie! How are you doing…?

SL!Lizzie: …

3L!Scar: She’s probably come to see her husband again.

LimL!Pearl: Oh right! I thought he usually goes to the cliff to visit her though…?

3L!Scar: Well, some nights she comes to make sure we aren’t all staying up late here in the desert…

*SL!Lizzie glares at 3L!Scar*

3L!Scar: …I’m always asleep at night Lizzie… you don’t need to look at me like that… I only know about you coming here some nights because- uh- UH-

LimL!Pearl: uh oh…

-

DL!Scott: hey Ren…

DL!Ren: oh, hello! What’s up?

DL!Scott: you’re a dog hybrid, right?

DL!Ren: yup! What about it?

DL!Scott: well, my Soulbound is one as well, so I was wondering if maybe you could explain why she’s been acting so… weird?

DL!Ren: …what kind of weird?

DL!Scott: you know… the way she’s been acting since we arrived here.

DL!Ren: …I don’t think that has anything to do with her being a wolf, honestly.

DL!Scott: okay, thanks anyway…

-

LimL!Jimmy: HALT! I’m stealing that sheep!

3L!Etho: no please! I managed to get it all the way here from the Ranch! I can’t let you double steal it!

LimL!Jimmy: …wait, you stole it?

3L!Etho: well, yeah, they’re the only ones with sheep. Singular. This is the only sheep. How did you not know that?

LimL!Jimmy: …and you stole it from the Ranchers?

3L!Etho: …yes…?

LimL!Jimmy: …you know what? I’ll help.

3L!Etho: :D

-

3L!Jimmy: So… you’ve had those crystals since the beginning, you said…

LL!Scott: … I don’t see why you care so much…

3L!Jimmy: Future Big Man Scott… I know what those crystals mean-

LL!Scott: I’m sorry I can’t have a serious and dramatic emotional conversation if you’re gonna call me that.

3L!Jimmy: Sorry!!! I don’t know what to call you!!! Scott’s my husband and you’re… not!

LL!Scott: ….. I don’t feel like talking about this right now. But, for future reference, I suppose you could call me… Stars?

3L!Jimmy: …Okay, Stars.

-

LL!Mumbo: So you mean to tell me, your version of me killed Scar?

SL!BigB: yup. And that’s why he’s not here. He swallowed him whole and he can never recover from that.

LL!Mumbo: he WHAT?! Okay, I gotta ask the other me if this is true…

SL!BigB: you can’t.

LL!Mumbo: why…?

SL!BigB: because when he ate Scar, Scar took over his brain, so he doesn’t remember anything.

LL!Mumbo: …I’m terrified.

-

LL!Scar: This wouldn’t be the first time you’ve asked me for a love crystal, you know.

DL!Martyn: wait, really? What did the other me want with one?

LL!Scar: no idea! Maybe to help his awful marriage or something. Actually, was Mumbo still alive at that point? Ah, the memories all blur together. Anyways! You’re gonna have to promise me something good in return.

DL!Martyn: But… I don’t have anything!

LL!Scar: Me neither! Thats why you have to promise me something.

DL!Martyn: wait, do you even have any crystals?

LL!Scar: hahaha… nope! Still waiting for Santa to give me that Crystal Making Kit for Christmas.

DL!Martyn: …you mean Symphony? Ugh, whatever, I’ll come back when you actually have crystals, I guess…

LL!Scar: don’t scoff at me when you don’t even have anything to pay with!!

-

LL!Tango: Are the rumors true? Are you actually… washed up?

LimL!Etho: man 😭

-

LL!Martyn: so… you won…

LimL!Martyn: yes. What about it?

LL!Martyn: …did they… are they… are you… happy?

LimL!Martyn: ….it was satisfying. What about you? How’s losing feel, loser?

LL!Martyn: …… rude. You’re quite rude for a giant scary… pirate.

LimL!Martyn: isn’t your name Fart or something?

LL!Martyn: listen dude I’m being incredibly vulnerable right now and you are not very nice about it. I’m leaving.

LimL!Martyn: don’t know what you expected. Especially when your name is Fart-

LL!Martyn: BYE!

-

Gem: Hey Skizz!

LL!Skizz: oh hey… Gem! Wow, you’re the only one of your kind…

Gem: my kind??

LL!Skizz: Gems! There’s like four Skizzles and only one Gem!

Gem: oh, yeah… honestly, it’s kind of scary, especially since it’s like nobody knows me except Secret Lifers…

LL!Skizz: aw, that’s sad! I’m sure you can fit in with the rest of us soon enough!

Gem: Aw, thanks Skizz!

-

3L!Skizz: Hey Impulse… The Impulse I know is up in Lonely Cliff, and I know he betrayed my guys, but I’m still kind of worried about him, you know? So I was wondering if you knew anything that could convince him to talk to us again…?

LL!Impulse: hm… maybe he wants to play some fun British games

3L!Skizz: …never mind…???

-

LL!Lizzie: so… you’re saying that your Joel is… a bad boy?

LimL!Grian: ……you can’t have him

LL!Lizzie: DARN!

-

SL!Scott: ohhhhh no please don’t do it please don’t-

SL!Jimmy: THE FLORIST SENDS HIS REGARDS!

SL!Scott: NO HE DOESN’T!!! HE HASN’T SPOKEN TO YOU!!! I SAW HIM!!!

-

SL!Martyn: *sniffsniff*

LL!Bdubs: WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS SNIFF??

SL!Martyn: I can smell it… you have… relationship issues

LL!Bdubs: NO I DO NOT!!! ETHO AND I ARE VERY HAPPY!!! GET OUTTA HERE YOU MUTT!!!

-

3L!BigB: Dang it’s crazy that Dog Martyn can sniff out relationship issues

LL!Etho: huh? Where’d you hear that from?

3L!BigB: oh well he just did it to- uhh… UHHH…

-

SL!Skizz: ……. So you’re… with Top?

DL!Jimmy: …excuse me?

SL!Skizz: you know, Tango Top?

DL!Jimmy: …I think that’s between me and Tango-

-

LimL!Joel: WHY ARE YOU HUMAN?!

SL!Cleo: Why aren’t you?

LimL!Joel: …

-

LL!Pearl: So, if you had to choose between Gaslight, Gatekeep, and Girlboss which one would you be?

LimL!Scott: I’m thinking Girlboss. But I’d be… Gillboss.

LL!Pearl: … you’re nothing like the Scott I know…

LimL!Scott: ???? Well yeah, he’s not a fish…

-

3L!Ren: That ship you live in seems dangerous… wouldn’t you rather live in a castle in the Kingdom?

DL!Etho: You don’t even know the half of it, Ren… But also, I don’t think you want all the Shipwreckers in your Kingdom.

3L!Ren: …Yeah, okay, I admit I’m a little afraid of you Double Lifers.

-

SL!Mumbo: so we’re best friends for real now, since Secret Life is over right?

SL!Etho: ?? no

SL!Mumbo: 🥺😭

-

LL!BigB: you know, if your scary wife is too scary for you, you could always change your identity a little…

SL!Joel: nothing is too scary for me, especially not my scary wife.

LL!BigB: okay, but I’m just saying, she would never be looking for anyone named Jerry.

SL!Joel: …?

-

LimL!BigB: So… anything interesting going on in your life?

SL!Impulse: if I hit things with sticks it kind of works like drums

LimL!BigB: …so a no, then

-

LimL!Scar: Mom, how many divorces do you have to go through?!

DL!Cleo: wtf

-

LL!Cleo: So who in Lonely Cliff is Gaslight, who is Gatekeep, who is Girlboss?

DL!Grian: …I’d be Gatekeep, Impulse would be Gaslight, and Lizzie would be Girlboss. Now go away.

LL!Cleo: Okay… but I really think all you Loners should hang out more. Could be good for you.

DL!Grian: I said go away.

-

LL!Ren: Second place…?

LimL!Impulse: Second place.

LL!Ren: …congrats.

LimL!Impulse: …you too.

-

3L!Tango: …

LimL!Tango: …

3L!Tango: …what is up with the Jimmys

LimL!Tango: I know right?! They’re so obsessed with that other Tango!

3L!Tango: I just think it’s weird, are you jealous?

LimL!Tango: NO

-

3L!Bdubs: CAN YOU STOP FLYING UP TO MY WINDOW?!

DL!Scar: what’s the point in all these tall towers if nobody’s meant to fly up them?

3L!Bdubs: you’re the ONLY ONE WHO FLIES

DL!Scar: ahh, I see, jealous that I’m the only one who has figured it out.

3L!Bdubs: NO!!! Ugh, maybe it’s a Double Lifer thing…

-

LimL!Skizz: yup! He died first!

3L!Scott: wow… that’s four times in a row… I don’t know if I should tell him or not, honestly… I’m also not sure if it makes me feel better…?

-

LL!Jimmy: okay, I’ve caved. I’m here.

DL!Tango: oh hi! …what do you mean

LL!Jimmy: I’m here to see what all the fuss is about! Why do Jimmys keep coming here?!

DL!Tango: well, I guess they’re just curious about their soulmate…?

LL!Jimmy: okay but nobody is crowding that one Scott.

DL!Tango: because… Ranchers for Life.

-

SL!Pearl: maybe you can fill the Cleo shaped hole in my heart…

3L!Cleo: …I’m married

SL!Pearl: …that’s… not what I meant…

3L!Cleo: then PLEASE work on your wording. Also, TERRIBLE way to start a conversation.

-

DL!Bdubs: have you SEEN my version of you??

3L!Grian: well… yeah… he talked to me.

DL!Bdubs: REALLY? He’s been avoiding everyone though!

3L!Grian: he wanted to know what happened with me and Scar… it’s pretty sad to hear how things went for them in your world.

DL!Bdubs: oh yeah they died badly.

3L!Grian: …. in my world we killed you

DL!Bdubs: OUCH!

-

SL!Bdubs: you should change your wizard tower into a slide

LL!Joel: …what

-

DL!BigB: heyyy…

LL!Grian: hmm?

DL!BigB: you’re a Grian… I was wondering if you could explain anything about my Grian…

LL!Grian: probably not.

DL!BigB: dang, not even gonna try?

LL!Grian: nah, I have nothing to do with THAT drama.

-

SL!Tango: the Bdubs in my world calls Etho daddy too

LimL!Bdubs: ☹️

-

DL!Pearl: HEY!

3L!Impulse: AH.. oh.. you scared me!!

DL!Pearl: Hehee… anyways… I’m just worried about you Loners! If I hadn’t made up with my Soulmate, I’d be here too! I know how much it sucks. So, is there any way I can help?

3L!Impulse: …no. I don’t really fit in anywhere…

DL!Pearl: oh come on! I’m sure everyone else at The Nose would love to have you!

3L!Impulse: hh… I feel like I’d be shot double dead if I was spotted at the Nose.

DL!Pearl: hm.. there’s surely someone who would like to welcome you! What about your soulmate?

3L!Impulse: who…?

DL!Pearl: Bdubs! You two loved each other so much…!

*3L!Impulse has clock flashbacks*

-

LimL!Cleo: Are you treating my son well?

DL!Impulse: uhh… well yeah, but… he’s not your son?

LimL!Cleo: well my actual son doesn’t have any partners so I’m just checking on the other versions of my son. Especially yours. Since in my world you killed him.

DL!Impulse: Oh, well, none of that here! Bdubs and I would never kill each other! …Well, he accidentally killed me technically, but that doesn’t matter! Also… I don’t know how I feel about pretending you’re my mother in law….

-

SL!Grian: hey emo boy did you know we’re soulmates in Secret Life

3L!Joel: don’t call me- wasn’t the soulmate season Double Life?

SL!Grian: Yeah but we were soulmates anyways isn’t that crazy 🥰

3L!Joel: … go away

SL!Grian: all you Joels are the same 😭

-

3L!Martyn: Ren is the best

DL!Joel: no, ETHO is the best!!!

3L!Martyn: BLASPHEMY! Lord Ren the Red King is the greatest!!!

DL!Joel: well, I don’t see his face on your shirt! But look at MINE!

*they argue*

[inkdemonapologist]

Do you think we get another bendy game? I heard meatly said "we barely even started."

If another bendy game releases what do you want to see?

Yeah, I think… the idea that they’re angling towards another game in this franchise makes sense. As others have pointed out, there’s SO many notes and memos setting up Gent as important and sinister, but Gent has no real part in this story other than “an explanation for what all this non-studio stuff is,” and you’d only really need one memo for that. Establishing Mr. Gray as a sinister figure who’s looking for the Ink Machine doesn’t serve any purpose in THIS game… so you have to wonder if it’s meant for another.

I’m just… well, I dunno, I don’t have as much curiosity about the world of Bendy as I did before BatDR. Lemme ponder this...

Like, I was curious about the space between 1946 and close of studio – you know, were they still doing cartoons, or did they pivot into Bendyland? Who was composing music for them? What actually happened to Bertrum? – and I guess some of those questions still stand, but apparently that time period is mostly setting up Gent taking over, making it less and less of an animation studio, bringing in an outside force I’m a lot less interested in. And like, I was curious about how various characters became the way they are in BatIM – but... BatIM is fictional in BatDR’s canon, so… they didn’t. Joey made it up. End of mystery. I don’t necessarily think that’s a poor choice for a story, but it does kind of close the door on exploring the original BatIM and makes it sort of impossible to return there again. And I was curious how bringing back the Bendy franchise in-world would affect the Ink Realm – I thought the concept of a “dark revival” that’s actually a literal revival of the franchise was a really neat idea – but… it isn’t, really. The Ink Realm is only different because Wilson is able and willing to muck about in it for unexplained reasons; it's unaffected by the new studio and new cartoons starting up haven’t affected the ink realm in any way.

So, gosh, what would I even be curious about? What is there to explore or discover? BatIM's fun as you try to peace together What Went Wrong, but it's harder to find something relevant to piece together here. The Gent-brand Unethical Science Zone might use the ink machine to make weird monsters, I guess… But that doesn’t really have anything to do with anything that I care about. “We’re morally questionable and have a machine that can make sludge monsters, what crimes will we commit” isn’t a super compelling premise on its own.

But okay. I’ve thought about this for a bit and here’s a thing I can come up with on short notice:

I would enjoy a game where you play a major character (Joey’s a good one; Sammy, Alice/Susie, Allison, and Tom would also work) in Audrey’s reset Ink Realm, maybe with minimal memories after the reset, but trying to figure stuff out by searching through the various memories in the form of audiologs and memos throughout the Studio; bonus points if something in the narrative confirms that regardless of how fake the world is, these memories ARE real, so that we can trust audiologs again lmao. You learn you are probably artificially created, but want to know more about the person you were supposed to be and their relationships to the others, and probably end up questioning whether or not this person is someone you actually want to be by the end.

This world is Audrey’s design, so it can be more focused on an Animation Studio and lean more into the cartoony potential of BatIM’s premise.

Probably something is Not Right in the ink world due to Gent’s meddling – in this kinder cycle, something terrifying is starting to seep in that its inky residents don’t understand, which would give space for Inky Horrors and the usual industrial elements that, in this new world, would be Out Of Place and upsetting.

One neat option would be if you’re trying to learn enough to escape to the real world and find Audrey, the only person who could fix it. As established in BatIM, characters (like you) need a soul to exist in the real world, so if you find enough Real memories of the Real Person behind your creation, maybe that can give you one.

That’s 5 characters listed in the first point, and there’s usually 5 chapters, so each character getting one chapter could theoretically work – you’d need a pretty tight story arc for each if you went this route, but it would enable doing multiple perspectives, which I think would be cool. Bonus points if each person you can play as can find a different Piece of what’s really going on, and once you have all five, you get a new game plus of sorts where you learn the Horrible Truth

Obviously there’s probably some deeply foreshadowed thing where you do escape at the end, but find yourself in the Gent labs. I just think it would be fun to see these half-cartoon people wander around in the real world. You can have an optimistic “Audrey’s been captured by Gent and we save her” ending or a horrifying “you’re not even the first [insert character here] we’ve just been replacing you with new ones every time one of you gets out” vibe

Or you could treat each character as its own "route" and do fun things with multiple endings – don’t collect enough memories and you come out of the machine as horrible sludge and get destroyed immediately; collect all of your memories and come out okay but get immediately captured and get a bad ending; collect all 5 characters’ memories and get the new game plus where you ALL leave the machine together and are able to avoid getting captured and explore the real life Gent building, taking advantage of your cartoon nature to get into somewhere you're not supposed to be

This is less of a “ooo what are you hoping for” and more of a IN AN IDEAL WORLD WHAT COULD ENTICE ME. idk if its a GOOD idea, but it’s a concept that fits the genre and the lore set up so far, that would actually be interesting to me!

[silly-plush-corner]

I know it’s past 9pm and all (you know the image) but it’s so hard to not listen to these feelings when they are just chilling there!!! Like what the fuck am I supposed to do? My brain keeps forcing the same dish in my face, saying “you can’t play mario until you eat your broccoli” but instead of broccoli it’s the fear that everyone knows about the weird stuff I do or is wary or some shit like that and I have no idea what I’m doing in almost any conversation or social situation like I know it’s the autism but I still haven’t figured out how to reconcile the sheer discomfort I feel with the thought that I’m just choosing not to try to figure it out because I fucking freeze up and shit and I get too scared of making mistakes because I have no idea how lenient other people are on things and I have no idea how bad (to them) whatever stupid stuff I’ve done is, it’s like fuckin evangelion, you never truly know what’s going on inside someone else’s head, there is always some separation, fuck I need to watch evangelion again and fuck I need therapy. Fuck, I need therapy. I need to take the time to go get therapy because these thoughts are so fucking sharp and painful and I have no idea how brains are supposed to work, - is it normal that I struggle to remember a lot about my childhood? It could just be that I’m rarely in situations that click the right hyperlink in my brain to land on the right wikipedia page - fuck I need to get therapy because they’d know what brains normally do and how people normally act and yeah I know that nobody’s truly “normal” but I wanna know how I can fit in a little bit. Yeah I’m still gonna be myself but I want the overall artstyle to be cohesive, even if my character looks out of place. I don’t want to look like I was just shittily green-screened in from a different movie I want to be a little more normal I’m so tired I’m so tired of this ok I’m being a little overdramatic about this but I am so tired of it and I am tired of being overdramatic but it takes so much energy to dial it back especially because it’s late and I’m not rerouting this post, this is direct stream of consciousness fuck now it’s getting meta (I fucking hate that word sometimes) and self-conscious fuck why do I have to get so self-conscious I’m even getting fucking self-conscious about getting self-conscious right now I don’t even remember the events that made me this way I don’t know exactly why I’m so self-conscious I just have this vague concept, this abstract fucking anxiety cloud of “people will think you’re weird in a bad way” and “I don’t want to fuck anything up” and “you have no idea how to interact with people” I’m just remembering that time in early high school when my leading philosophy was “don’t be a burden” and my mom was like “oh that’s so sweet” and I was thinking “yeah this makes sense I’m just some fuckin guy I’m not that important” and while yeah that’s true I’m not like super important, that is such a degrading mindset to have, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. Change and conflict is scary and I’m still fucking terrified of it. I was about to say “I should change that [end of post]” like “haha yeah such a deep and cool ending” but like I realize that being afraid of things isn’t necessarily going to change but how I handle that fear can change but I don’t know how to do that and fuck I’m getting self-conscious again and ok I’m getting off topic I think a lot of my current intense yet nebulous insecurities come from 1) that period of “I don’t want to be a burden on anyone” and the conflict avoidance, emotion bottling, complacency, etc. that came with it; and 2) the constant felt need to hide what I was doing because I feared the consequences or didn’t want my parents to get upset at or about me, I would always be like “yeah mom I did my homework” when 10 seconds ago I was thinking to myself “yeah I can get that done soon” and I would have but then mom popped in and if I said “I haven’t done it yet” she’d get stressed out - even if I’d had it under control - and then that would fuck me up because -

[unhinged-girlfriend]

Where am I supposed to be?

mid July, Wednesday at early morning.

been laying in bed with a stomach age for at least three hours. haven’t told my parents, even tho I promised I would when I didn’t felt well. 

I mean, it’s not like I would die in my sleep. right? 

my head had been spinning around in silence since I got in bed. my eyes had been focussed in my laptop screen without paying much attention on what I'm watching. basically I'm like a toddler when their parents put some kids stuff to keep them distracting, with the difference that I'm a seventeen year old laying in her bed at 2 a.m. in a night of her last summer vacations before her senior year of high school. 

my god, even reading it seems terrifying in more ways I could imagine. 

if I thought that burning myself out with YouTube videos, posts on Tumblr and TikTok, fanfics on ao3 would keep me away from my thoughts, I was wrong. 

not my favorite thing to do at this hours of night. probably would regret it later. 

the days past faster that I could imagine, and for my luck school is around the corner. the better? it’s my senior year! basically the most important year of my academic life! not even adding exclamation signs I can’t even pretend to be excited about it. 

it’s a strange feeling, to be honest. didn’t thought I would get to this point, I expected to be dead by now, but surprise I guess. 

I just feel anything but anxiety, as also just emptiness about it. it’s not a new feeling by this time, haven’t experienced actual new feeling than anxiety, sadness, emptiness in a long time to be honest. that’s quite sad. 

Talking with my friends, they can’t believe we are already in our senior year. they all nervous about it, expect greatest things for our graduation and stuff. Some of my classmates talk about our interships for this year; I still don’t know where I’m gonna do mine, even tho I seem like I have everything under control. i feel so weird; so lost.

idk, I constantly think about my past years. before even the pandemic, never been a bad student. never been the most chatty, the most intelligent or even the most acclaimed. just a good student. or idk it’s just how I seen it.

my grandma alleges I’m pretty smart. that I’m gonna do pretty good things. it’s sad, ‘cause I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. well, I mean I know what I’m gonna do, but to be honest i don’t even know if I’m leading the right path anymore.

I know what I wanna study. that’s good, right? I mean at least I know what I’m gonna go in college, but. do I even like it anymore? Haven’t enjoyed much the last two years in the audiovisuals major, not that i regret being part of it just, not sure if I wanna still in it.

reading again it seems that I answer my own question.

been writing this a while; what am I even going for? My head feels empty as the rest of my body, excepting my stomach. doesn’t hurt anymore, just feels bloated. my heart feels weird. not in a “omg I’m gonna have a heart attack” way, just in a “shit I’m depressed” way.

have been thinking a lot about my past school years. as I said wasn’t a bad student, just never understood why everyone thought I was so smart. I mean not until seventh grade I was always with good grades, not that it has changed now it’s just nobody expect anything grade from me anymore.

still don’t know what to think about that exactly.

to be honest I have no idea how to express about a lot of stuff; mostly I’m pretty quiet. even for me, it’s a lot. but then it’s the opposite, when I talk a lot nobody really listens, I have noticed. 

idk. I feel really strange. why I'm so quiet? I don’t even enjoy silence myself, I mean why would I blast my ears with noises for hours if I did it? why I still study when I know that I hate school? yeah, “I know everyone hates it” and comparing my experience I don’t have a bad experience with school. not at all. then why I keep bored the whole lesson? why I want to breakdown when I don’t understand anything at all? how is it that at this point I haven’t learned that not participating, doing the assignments or even studying isn’t going to affect me until the last minute? why I feel so empty every time the topic of colleges get’s bring up to the table? I know where I'm going and even what I'm going to study? then why I feel so lost? 

why I can’t keep up with activities? why I can’t get out of bed until afternoon? why my meals haven’t brought me any energy besides the one of getting them out of my body? why I keep laying in bed scrolling through social media and not going out with my friends? why I keep depressed when I’m supposedly better? why I haven’t felt happier in years or even removedly excited about gifts or surprises? why I keep getting mad about the things I complain about? why I can’t ask for help to the right people? why I keep looking for things when i know I won't find anything? 

it’s the emptiness, but permanent pain in myself that keeps me awake at nights and deeply tired in the mornings. it’s thinking how I have wasted my youth, even tho I haven’t spent most of it and even not for my own reasons. it’s having to distract myself of not hating every inch of my mind. it’s keep trying and trying and still not being enough. it’s keep writing my feelings out to the internet exposing myself to please a part of me that has lost the perception of anything a lot time ago. 

it’s just regretting everything and being so defenseless to keep wanting to tried. 

[gravityups]

Gravity Falls and how it kind of saved me

Even thought it’s a little late, I felt like I should make a post about what Gravity Falls means to me. And how it kind of saved my life.

Last fall, I was in college. Halfway through the semester I got sick and had to drop out. It was kind of the final straw; I was struggling for two years, had low grades in half my classes, and had been so depressed and anxious I was having hallucinations. So, to put it lightly, I felt like nothing mattered anymore.

Now don’t get be wrong, this wasn’t a BOOM OMY GOSH GRAVITY FALLS SAVED MY LIFE kind of deal.

Not really. I put it on when I was bored on day and it just... comforted me.

Mable and Dipper felt like the loving banter I had with my sister. The humor between them was exactly like ours; the cheesy jokes, combining words, playing stupid made up games, arguing for hours and then going outside to find a fairy. God I could talk about them for hours. Grunkle Stan reminded me of my dad (do not take this out of context, I will explain). The tough guy persona, soft on the inside, lovable goofball. I remember being especially impacted by him wanting to ‘toughen dipper up.’ It was exactly what my dad had said to me a million times as a kid. He’s still proud of me like the way Stan is proud of Dipper.

And that’s only one part about the show that I love. The weird creatures, each character’s quirks and unique signature, the captivating mystery, and the childlike but exciting stories. It touched me in a way I haven’t felt since I was in middle school. I felt like I was waking up again. I wanted more. And that’s when I got into fanfiction.

At first it was only to kind of ‘sedate’ the thirst after the shows ending (I cried for a good long while on the final episode). But then after a few fantastic stories, some fanart, and a good amount of daydreaming I realized: holy crap I could do this too.

During my entire childhood I had wanted to be a writer. I had notebooks filled with ideas and years worth of stories on my laptop. Freshman year of high school the hard drive broke and I lost it all. I lost years worth of content that I would never see again. Before I knew it that accident and my depression had killed my love for writing. I hadn’t wrote a single story idea down in five years.

That night, I wrote six thousand words in one sitting. It was like I found a cure, finished a race, won a medal.

I found it easier to write stuff about characters I already understood instead of struggling to make my own. The words flowed like water under my hand. I felt like I could write anything I wanted whenever I wanted. I wasn’t terrified about running out of energy or interest and never coming to it again. I could just DO

Gravity Falls brought my passion back from the dead. It kickstarted what I’ve done ever since I could talk, and I’ve discovered that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I know it’s sappy but, it made me want to live again

So thank you, Gravity Falls, for a fantastic story that has touched so many people. But also...

Thank you you, community, for being the lifeblood of Gravity Falls. The show wouldn’t be what it is without you.

[yourwattpadmom]

King of the Damned Part 3

This is the 3rd part of King of the Damned. I published it on Wattpad a while ago, but forgot to post it here. Sorry! I’m almost done with Part 4, so that will be up shortly. 

If you haven’t read the earlier parts:

Part 1

Part 2

Trigger Warnings: None for this chapter.

Part 3 - The Choice

Song for this chapter: Hallowed Ground - Bishop Briggs

From dawn till dusk.

That's how much time she gave him. After he had regained his strength the night before, she had somehow gotten clothes for him to wear so he could leave the hotel in something other than bits and pieces of shredded leather. When he asked about her clothes, she simply smiled at him like he was cute for asking, but said not to worry. That people didn't see her if she didn't want them to.

Which was a whole new mind fuck for him. Vampires could make themselves invisible? He wondered if all vampires could, or if that was just her.

How would he know if she was nearby? He couldn't really feel anything through this "bond" that she had created. But he hoped that it would somehow alert him if she was nearby.

He asked how he would find her to give her his answer at the end of the day, and she simply smirked at him and disappeared. After thinking for it a bit, he realized it was a stupid question. She had told him that with the bond she would be able to find him. He just had to be ready with an answer.

Last night was..... fuck. It was indescribable, really. His mind was reeling from all the new information. At his reality being shattered, and yet, somehow making complete sense now. The reason he never quite felt like he fit in anywhere. The way he could feel other energies he couldn't really explain. Of course there was more to the world than what they could see. What they were told was real. People were trying to say that all the time, but were dismissed as 'crazy' or 'weird'.

What if the reason he never felt like he fit in was because he didn't? At least, not in the human world? What if he was meant to fit in another world? One hidden away from humans. Another big question he had - what other things besides vampires were there? Were all the stories true? Werewolves? Fae? Goblins? The fucking Loch Ness Monster? Where did the stories end and the truth begin? And was he really ready to find out?

His curiosity was winning over any arguments he had in his brain that were trying to convince him it was a bad idea to involve himself permanently in a world he knew nothing about. But overriding his curiosity about that world was his desire for HER. Estrilda. He was captivated. Even now, not being in her presence, she had woven her way into his mind, his body, his soul. He had never felt such a connection with anyone. At the time, he figured it was her magic making him feel that way. And now, he supposes, she could have done something when she drank from him to keep that feeling going. But when he assesses his feelings, he realizes that very little of what he was drawn to was her vampirism. It was simply...HER.

But was she worth giving up his humanity for? His friends and family and life as he knew it? He knew the trade-offs she offered were what most people could only wish for. Immortality.. Power...Mind-numbing pleasure... But he had never sought out those first two. Though he could definitely get on board for that third. But the cost was high. He didn't every really consider himself religious, but he did believe in souls. And the possibility of losing his.... forever..... was terrifying. Would he even be himself anymore if he didn't have his soul? What about his family? He never was close to them, even though he was an only child. But they were still his parents. His friends? Well, they all thought he was a bit weird anyways. He didn't have many he was close with. They all started out really liking him, thinking he was attractive and fun to be around. But whenever he would start talking about metaphysics or vocalized his observations or predictions about the future, they would inevitably freak out enough to back away from him. They always went from "Oh, have you met Harry?? He's amazing!" to "Oh, you've met Harry? Yeah, he's a bit weird." It was exhausting to even try to make friends anymore. The constant rejection when he put himself out there was just too much for a someone as sensitive to emotions as he was.

So no, he wouldn't miss his "friends". They mostly invited him to parties because they knew if he came, others would come, just to be around him. Because even though he was too "weird" to get really close to, he was still attractive, and incredibly captivating and charismatic. People were drawn to him naturally, and as long as he didn't try to talk too much, they liked how they felt around him. He often thought of those people as 'vampires', actually. "Energy vampires." They were happy to take whatever energy they could feed off from him, but would never give him anything back. He had to learn pretty young how to draw kind of a barrier between him and other people so their thoughts and feelings wouldn't get too overwhelming for him. So their constant attention didn't completely drain him. He found a lot of meditations and visualizations helped. That's what he was doing in the back yard when Estrilda had found him. Nature always helped him.  

That's where he was now. In nature. In his favorite place. He had found this amazing clearing in a forest quite by accident, but it felt....sacred. There were trees surrounding him, and soft grass around a small waterfall and river, with a few large rocks perfect for sitting on close to the water. It always reminded him of one of those paintings that had magical creatures in it. It certainly looked as though some fairies decided this would be a good spot for gatherings and simply made it just for them. He always felt a peaceful calmness in this space. Whenever he needed a 'battery reboot', or to clear himself of any nasty energy clinging to him, he came here. He found that when he dipped his feet in the water, it cleared his mind even more. And that's what he needed. A clear mind.

It was surprisingly warm for the end of October. There was still a crispness to the air that comes with late autumn, but the sun was out. A rarity, for sure. And it was warm, beating down on his body, warming his skin where the air had cooled it.

This was another thing he would miss. The feeling of the sun. She had said they could go out in the sun, but that it was incredibly painful. He would never feel the sun like this again. Caressing his skin gently. Warming him from the inside out.

He wondered what else he would be giving up that she hadn't told him about.

Despite the chilly air, he felt warmed enough by the sun to put his feet in the water. He carefully removed his socks and shoes and placed them next to the rock. Rolling up his pants legs he dipped one foot in, swearing softly at the cold water, before lowering his other foot. After a few minutes, they were too numb to be cold, and he could feel the soothing powers of the water washing away the tension from his body. Clearing the webs from his mind, and leaving a cool, refreshing feeling in his bones. It was like the water had seeped under his skin, infused his veins and washed through his body. That feeling cleaning him from within, before washing back out into the water. Like a 'rinse cycle' for his soul.

His soul.

That was the biggest sacrifice when it all came down to it. He only saw his parents every few years as it was. He didn't have any close friends. He didn't feel like he 'fit in' with humanity. But his soul. THAT he was more connected to than anything else in his life. It was HIM. How could he be HIMSELF if he didn't have a soul?? He had always believed that our purpose on this earth was soul evolution. To grow, to learn, to deal with Karma from past lives and work on evolving and moving towards enlightenment. If he gave up his soul, then were all his past lives for naught? All the learning and growing - only to give it up? And what would happen to it? To him? Did she actually SAY that he wouldn't have a soul? How did she know? How did that work? Because he swore he felt a connection with her, and what was that feeling if not her soul connecting with his? Maybe she was wrong. She was a very old being, sure, but she could still be wrong, right? He didn't know how anyone could connect the way they did without both of them having their souls.

A splash distracted him from his thoughts, and he quickly turned his head towards the noise. It was a very large splash. It had come from over nearby the waterfall. He kept his eyes trained on the area, but this time with the open mind that there might be things there beyond what his human eyes were trained to see. He let his mind open to the possibilities of seeing The Other. The realm beyond the human or physical realm.

And he saw it.

First he saw a head, a human head, and arms, and then a huge tail as it splashed again, breaking the surface. A fucking mermaid. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me", Harry muttered to himself.

He shook his head and let out a low chuckle at the irony of him seeking out a place to think about giving up the human world, only to find comfort in a place obviously not made for humans. No wonder he had always felt so peaceful here.

He knew that he was not supposed to have seen the mermaid, and he really wasn't ready for another magical being to proposition him, or get angry with him for being there. So he pretended he saw nothing, and calmly pulled his feet from the water and dried them best as he could with the outside of his socks before putting them back on his damp feet, followed by his shoes.

He rose and took a few deep breaths, breathing in the purity and peacefulness of the clearing around him. He turned his face up to the sun and allowed it to kiss his skin once more.

He had made his decision. He just had some loose ends to tie up before dusk....

.................................................

Estrilda had been resting most of the day, knowing she would need her strength for tonight. She spent much of her time researching Harry, to know everything about him. She had her Seethe find any and all information about him, his family, his friends, and even had her most trusted vampire do a thorough genealogical search to see if she could find a reason for his special abilities. Just because he thought was was purely human didn't mean he was. And she couldn't be breaking any rules simply because she hadn't done her research.

She was pleased to find out that it didn't seem like Harry had many people he was close to that she could tell. Parents that were divorced and distant, busy in their own lives. He was raised mostly by nannies, apparently. He had a decent income, but wasn't wealthy by any means. He ran his own business doing parlor tricks like tarot and psychic readings, energy clearings and the such. She was fairly sure that if he were to disappear, no one would be over much surprised, or distraught. Which was perfect for her.

The most intriguing thing that she had found was that Harry's family had come from a line of Salem witches back in the 1600's. An ancestor of his had managed to escape the brutal witch trials, and moved far away to start a new life. This might explain some of his heightened abilities, but since he technically was not a witch himself, she wasn't breaking any rules by changing him.

So she spent the remainder of the day preparing. She fed well, so she would be able to stop when she had to in order for Harry to survive The Change. If she took too much, he would simply cross over into the land of the dead permanently, and she wouldn't be able to bring him back. And with how addictive and delicious his blood was, she had had a very difficult time controlling herself the night before.

The feelings Harry evoked in her should have made her nervous to change him. But they had quite the opposite effect. She was excited. It's very easy to become bored over the centuries because nothing really new ever happened. To her, anyways. Yes, the world changed around them, but food tasted like food. And by food, she meant humans. They roughly all tasted the same, just with slightly different tones. Much like red wine. Sex was sex. Enjoyable, pleasurable. But nothing new.

The only thing that had really brought her amusement and happiness over the years was how music had changed. She found something she liked in every new era of music. This was a constantly evolving and changing thing, and she enjoyed watching the humans react to it as well. Music was the only thing that could really evoke.....feelings.... in her. For the most part, she felt an empty void where her soul should have been. But some music could bring different feelings into that void. It was....soothing.

It was almost dusk, almost time for her to go to him. She had told her Seethe she had found their new family member, and that she would be bringing him back for The Change. She let it be known, under threat of permanent death, that NO ONE was to feed from him but her. She didn't even want them seeing him, to be honest. She felt quite territorial about him, which was another new feeling for her. So they knew to stay away from her wing of the mansion until they were invited back. Only her second in command would be allowed, to serve them, bring them anything needed to make The Change more comfortable for the both of them.

He approached her now. "My Queen, do you need anything before you go? Is there anything you would like me to prepare for your return?" He didn't ask her any questions about the mortal she had chosen. He knew better than to question her judgement by asking if she was sure she had made the right choice. She was his Queen. His Creator. He would never question her.

"Yes, Zayn. Please make sure the room is warm, that there is extra blood nearby if we need it, and that no one disturbs us." She smiled at him. She had chosen well with Zayn. He was one of her first fledglings, and she couldn't be happier with how he had turned out. He was incredibly special to her.

"Yes, Mistress." He bowed and turned to do her bidding.

Estrilda looked at the fading sun outside and opened her bond to Harry. True to her word, she had given him from dawn till dusk to put his affairs in order and make his decision, free of her influence. Now she would find out if she was right about him. She hoped he had abided by her rules and didn't try to lie to her. She would be very sad if she had to kill him before she had truly gotten to enjoy him.

She quickly pinpointed his location, and in a flash she was in his apartment. She wanted to wait a few moments before letting herself become visible to him. She wanted to observe him without his awareness of her presence, to see what he was like with his guard down.

But it was a futile desire on her part. As soon as she entered the room, he immediately tensed up as he felt her presence. He didn't need to see her to know she was there. He had actually felt a small tingle moments prior to her arrival, that must have signaled her opening their bond. He looked around the flat, not seeing her, but feeling the thickness pulse of energy she carried with her always.

"Estrilda?" He called out. He knew she was there. "Why won't you let me see you?" He spoke into the seemingly empty room.

Estrilda shouldn't have been surprised by his perception. She had seen firsthand how sensitive he was to her presence. She smiled at the power of his perception as she let herself be seen.

"I should have known better than to try to hide from you..." She shimmered before solidifying in her form and sauntered towards him.

His mouth went dry, pulse speeding up as his eyes drank her in like parched lips. She wore a glossimer thin white gown, with slits in the legs on both sides up to her hips, and in the middle up just below the junction of her thighs. The fabric flowed loosely around her long toned legs before cinching at her waist like a delicate sheer corset. The top was a plunging neckline all the way down to the top of the corset waist, showing her delectable cleavage, reminding him of how her breasts had felt in his palms the night before. The sleeves billowed much like the skirt, with slits opening the arms from the shoulder to the elbow, only to part completely after the small tie at the elbow. Her dark skin glowed against the white fabric. She was ethereal.

She looked like an angel, not a creature from the devil. His preconceived notions had expected her to show up in gold, or red, or black. He should have known that she wouldn't fall into the stereotypes he held in his head.

He gulped as his whole body vibrated with need for this vision in front of him. He had already made his decision, but if he had harbored any doubts, seeing her would have immediately silenced them.

He had spent the afternoon readying his affairs in preparation. He had sent out emails to any clients he had scheduled, cancelling their sessions. He posted on social media he was going on a 5 year retreat, unsure of his return, wishing everyone all the best. He had called his parents and told them he would not be available for the foreseeable future, but would contact them when he could. He told them he loved them. He handed in his notice to his landlord, and hired a moving company to move his things into a storage unit. It should have depressed him how quickly he could pack his life up. But he could only find relief in that it was as simple as it was, so he could be ready for her arrival.

Estrilda was pleased at his reaction to her. She knew the white would surprise him. It always did. She didn't know why humans thought vampires wouldn't wear white. Was it because it was harder to wash blood out of? As if they minded blood stains. And this dress would be red by the end of the night anyways. She was sure of it.

"Have spoken to anyone about what I told you? About my kind?" She paused to wait, knowing if he lied to her or said yes, her dress would be red much sooner than she had wanted it to be, and with a very different outcome than she had in mind.

"No." His answer was swift and honest.

Pleased, she asked the next most important question.

"Have you made your decision?" She cocked her head as she continued to glide towards him slowly, taking in the scent of his blood pumping faster and faster through his body, her hunger growing despite having fed well during the day.

"Y..Yes..." Harry managed to stutter out, her presence making it difficult for him to force coherent sounds out of his mouth.

"And?" She asked with a smile, already knowing the answer. She could see it. She could feel it.

Harry forced his eyes to close, breaking contact with her, taking a deep breath to bring himself back to his body. He had one more question for her. Though he decided that his answer was going to be the same, regardless of what hers was.

Looking back up, he found his voice and managed a full sentence, "I have one more question, if you would allow me, please..."

"Of course you do." She couldn't decide if she was irritated or amused, so she decided she was a little bit of both. What she was certain of was that she was getting impatient. She had never given anyone this long to choose before, or allowed so many questions. "Ask it, then we will proceed..."

Harry was surprised at the strength of his own voice as he asked his final question, "What happens to my soul if I become one of you?"

Estrilda was taken aback by his question. She had never been asked that before. Most human wanted more tangible answers. Like, would they ever die? Or how much would it hurt? Or would they have to kill people? No one had asked about their soul before.

She stopped in her movements towards him and furrowed her brows, thinking about his question. Truth was, she didn't know, exactly. She was told that it left during the process of The Change, thinking its body was no longer alive. Which was a good thing, because most souls couldn't maintain sanity with the amount of death that vampires lived with....and caused.

She was as honest with him as she could be. "I can't answer what happens to your soul, Harry. I know it leaves your body during The Change, since souls do not stay in bodies that are not alive. I think it a blessing, because a soul sensitive and good like yours would have a difficult time dealing with the amount of death that we live with as vampires..."

Harry closed his eyes to process this information. Of course he had no idea what to expect. But something told him that it was more complicated than her reply. He had a deep knowing in his gut that his soul would not leave, that he would still be himself, but perhaps an improved version of himself, after going through The Change.

"OK," He finally spoke. "Thank you. For your honesty. For the gift of the time you've given me. Your answer doesn't change my decision, I just needed to know. To prepare myself....." He stepped towards her, hand reaching out to gently caress her face, fingers softly grazing her cheek.

"I'm ready.....I'm yours."

Estrilda smiled widely at his words, fangs flashing in her mouth, eyes glowing with happiness and hunger.

"I know."

.....................................................

She made him drive them to her home. Said it would drain her too much to get them both there the way she came, and she needed her strength as much as he needed his. It felt surreal to Harry to be driving his car sitting next to a Vampire Queen. It was even more surreal that she kept playing with the radio to find a song she liked. For some reason, he just didn't think about vampires liking music. Well, modern music anyways. He had had the image in his mind of them only enjoying instrumental or opera music. Another stereotype busted in his mind.

It shocked him to his core when she had gotten excited about Queen playing on one of the stations and had sat back to start singing along. He was captivated by her melodic voice as much as he was entertained to find out not even vampires were immune to the powers of Bohemian Rhapsody.

"Come on, Harry, I know you know the words," she looked at him expectedly. In that moment, she didn't look like an ancient vampire queen. She looked like a youthful and happy woman, enjoying a drive.

He couldn't help but smile back and start singing along to the chorus.

"I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me.."

"He's just a poor boy from a poor family... spare him his life from this monstrosity.."

They switched off lyrics, building up to the crescendo chorus, until they joined in together:

"Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me...... for me......For MEEEE!!"

Harry reached forward and cranked up the lyrics and they did the only thing one does when the drums and guitar went off.

They headbanged and shouted out the rest of the song together at full volume.

The song came to it's typical epic ending, as they were nearing their destination. Harry slowed the car as he came to the narrow road at the same time the music slowed down. He reached forward and turned the volume down.

He had needed that. Something normal in the insanity of the last 24 hours. And something that showed him that there would still be something normal in his life after he Changed. He felt even more confident that perhaps some vampires at least managed to hang on to their souls. Because he didn't understand how anyone without a soul could enjoy music the way that she seemed to.

She laid her head back on the headrest and turned her face to smile at him, "You're surprised.."

His smile matched her own, dimples indicating his happiness in that moment, "I am. I know I keep on assuming stereotypes, but I never thought vampires would enjoy this kind of music, or would headbang...or had watched Wayne's World!"

"Oh, Harry," she sighed, "Eternity truly would be a curse if you didn't find ways to have fun and enjoy yourself. Music and movies have been some of my favorite advances in society in the last 100 years. So much better than the dark ages. Whenever cultures advance in some way, music and art has always led the way. You'll see..."

The realization that he would live to see what society and the world would come up with in the next 100....200...500 years or more was just too much for his mind to truly comprehend. Instead he focused on his driving as they came to the end of the road and he saw the magnificent mansion splayed out before him. Now this. THIS is where he would expect a vampire queen to live. He was glad at least one of the stereotypes had played out correctly. It looked old, yet updated and modern at the same time. It had gothic architecture that reminded him of a castle, even though it was at the end of a private road out in the woods.

His mouth dropped open as he leaned forward to take it all in. Finally stopping the car in front of the manor, he wasted no time in getting out so he could truly take in the magnificent building in front of him.

Estrilda let him take his time looking at his new home for the next 200 years. And she hoped, for longer.

When it seemed as though his eyes had taken their fill, she held out her hand to him and simply commanded him, "Come."

Together they walked inside where he was just as in awe of the interior as he was the exterior. He was amused at the copious amounts of crosses that seemed to decorate the house in a somewhat mocking way. But it was clean, open, and tasteful. There were heavy drapes in front of the windows, but he figured that was out of necessity since sunlight was painful to them. Since it was nighttime, though, the drapes had been pulled back, allowing the light of the moon to illuminate the dark empty rooms. There were simple lamps and wall sconces lighting their way as she led him up a staircase and down a long hallway. He wondered where the other vampires were, since she had called this her Seethe, and mentioned a 'family' of sorts.

They finally came to a large wooden door, that she quickly opened and walked through. He followed at a slower pace, taking in as much as he could of the decor, the paintings that looked familiar. He realized that they were probably original paintings by the old artists themselves, the kind that should be in a museum. But of course, she had likely gotten them right when they had been created.

His eyes danced around the room, taking in the soft hues, the chaise lounge and large wingback chair in the corner, the bookshelves lined with likely rare and first editions (though he swore he saw some modern works on there too - was that Anne Rice?), the fireplace that had a fire warming the space. They finally landed on the large 4 poster bed sitting in the center of the space. With what looked like restraints tied to the corners of the posts.... For fun or necessity? He wondered as a chill went up his spine.

Estrilda gave him a moment to observe his surroundings, to get comfortable. But the hour was getting late. And she had already given him more time than was prudent. She was taking a moment to ensure that everything was as she needed for what was to come, and then made her way back over to Harry.

His eyes stopped their roving and immediately landed on her as soon as she started to walk towards him again. This was it. He started to feel nerves bubble up in his belly as his mouth felt like cotton. His skin and hands were clammy, as it seemed all the moisture that was supposed to be in his mouth was suddenly being extruded by his skin instead.

"Wha.....What now?" He stammered out, his heart pounding loud enough for her to hear it even without vampiric hearing abilities.

Estrilda could feel his nerves in her own body, as the waves of fear exuded off him. This is the part they were always afraid, or nervous. But she had never felt it in reflected in her own body before. Interesting. He was more than just an empath then. He could imprint his emotions onto others as well. That was going to be fun to teach him how to control, she thought. Under the nerves she felt from him, though, she felt an underlying excitement, which pleased her greatly. He was brave, her Choice.

She closed the distance between them, pressing her body against his, feeling the same electrical connection as the night before, two charges sparking as they met. She placed her hand on his chest against his bare skin where his button up shirt was parted. Now she could feel his heartbeat as well as smell it and hear it. As soon as her skin touched his, the nerves that had been emanating off him was replaced by arousal and excitement. She looked up into his face, and saw that lust reflected in his green eyes that seemed to be glowing in the darkness. His pupils were already dilated, showing a hunger that she didn't expect to see yet. But this hunger was for her, not for the blood he would be craving soon. She indulged herself in his eyes for a moment, enjoying that for now, that hunger was ONLY for her.

"Now," she purred, "We begin...."

Part 4 - The Change

______________________________________________________________________________

Author's Note

Please don't kill me.

I was totally going to have this chapter be The Change. But I'm already over 5K words, and I decided to have an entire chapter dedicated solely to that instead of one chapter that was going to end up being like, 13K words.

It'll do my best to make it worth the wait, I promise. I just wanted to do it justice.

Estrilda’s Dress, as I imagined it:

And of course, Vampire Zayn. You’re welcome. See? You can’t be mad at me. I gave you Vampire Zayn!!

Thanks for reading! :)

[kinnsporsche]

hi!! kp anon again! i just wanted to tell you that i really appreciate you and i'm so glad i can talk to someone about kp. but i also hope you don't feel pressured to reply to my messages. i'd totally understand it if sometimes you just don't feel like it. i'm happy to just scream into the void lol 1/2

but like the whole jealousy thing? I know in the novel k is super jealous and toxic and we’ve seen some of that in the show but I guess I didn’t expect it to be this serious. maybe I’m just stupid and didn’t pick up the hints where the show is going. when vegas mentioned tawan and said k shot him I was like that’s totally fake and he’s just saying that to manipulate p. I haven’t read the novel and only seen a few spoilers on twitter so I didn’t know what really happened to him. but after that teaser for the next ep I guess it’s true what v said? I guess I was taken aback by kinn’s reaction. when he barged in I think p found it a little hot even, like he was still smiling. but the moment k shouted at him his smile fell. and he even slapped him like that was so hard to watch. I know this is a show that needs conflict and people aren’t perfect anyway, but I’m still a little :/ about it. maybe I just feel this strongly bc of my own experiences with toxic jealousy and I know k said he wants to change and i genuinely believe him and I’m rooting for him!! but I felt like that sex scene was a bit unnecessary? idk it was just weird that one moment p is angry and terrified and literally curled up on the mirror and the next they are fucking like nothing’s wrong? for me it would have made more sense if they argued here and then made up next ep. it just felt a bit rushed. I know k said sorry but I didn’t feel like that was enough idk maybe it’s my fault that my expectations were so high. I was waiting for this scene for so long and I feel a little disappointed that it didn’t go how I would have liked it. but I’m not saying that’s bad, it’s totally my fault for having different expectations. does any of this even make sense? I’m curious to see what happens with tawan next ep, I honestly don’t know what went down between them. OH and the part when p said he shouldn’t have loved a guy like him?? LOVED!!! with tears in his eyes?? god my heart was breaking for him. I feel like he’s just so lost all the time. one moment k is sweet and lovely and the next he’s back to his jealous and controlling self. it must be so hard for p to deal with this. and it’s a shitty feeling knowing k doesn’t trust him. plus he basically called him a slut.. so yeah, I’m on the fence about this whole thing. and they really picked this ep to watch in the cinema with the cast huh? like if I were them I’d be so embarrassed asdfghgfd sitting there watching that sex scene on the big screen?? Even i got second hand embarrassment sitting in my room alone. I can only imagine how the actors must feel. anyway, I’m curious to see what your opinion is about this. (but no pressure, take your time <33)

kp anon my beloved

i tend to avoid commenting on the novel whenever i can because i dislike it a lot and the show is so much more superior i simply treat them as different material now

re: the sex scene, i dont think porsche was terrified at all!! i think he was pissed and hurt and withdrawing into himself more than anything. i think something important to remember about them is that they use sex as a form of communication, u know? and probably to porsche, kinn's apology was a big deal because he's a mafia boss, he doesn't apologise to anybody, but then when he's confronted with the very real, very possible idea of losing porsche it scares him, and i think porsche saw that. and i dont think it was just a rushed sex scene, there was so much emotion laced in it. it was the two of them being put on the same pedestal as equals, it was about the desire, the devotion, the vulnerability, the need. especially at the end of it all with kinn crying into porsche's shoulder, like that was the part of the whole scene for me, kinn allowing himself to be vulnerable around porsche, to break down and let him hold him tight enough to piece him back together you know?

tbh i think its less of a kinn not trusting porsche thing, because he does trust him, he trusts him with his life, i think its more to do with the fact that he's been burned before so he's distrusting and expects to be burned over and over again so even when it's hinted at, its the first thing his brain jumps to. but i kinda think that porsche being fully prepared to walk out on him was something of a wake up call for him, its the catalyst that made him realise that okay, maybe i do need to trust him if i want him to stay, i need to trust him if i want to keep him. i think the whole scene was so great because it's an example of kinn warring with himself between who he thinks he's expected to be, and who he wants to be. and in that moment when its just the two of them, when he can just be kinn and not kinn theerapanyakul, the person who he wants to be wins in the end.

it was 100% wrong of kinn to slut shame him, for sure, but it was also wrong of porsche to bring up tawan and shove him in his face like that, especially without talking to him about it first, u know? like, after everything why did he just take vegas' word on it? they're little argument was both of them trying to hit the lowest blows, trying to hurt each other, and they did. they hurt each other so bad, but at the end of it all they stayed with each other and they worked their way through it.

it's not your fault for having different expectations omg dont be silly im gonna bonk u on the head!!!! your experiences are so valid im giving u warm tea and tucking u down for a nice sleep!!! icb they picked THIS episode to watch sorry i would have passed away if i were them my soul would physically leave my body

[s-creations]

Quomodo Mundus Cadit - Chapter 6

The defeat of the Devil should have been the end of it. The Cup Brothers won and all debts were to be forgiven.

At least…that was the original plan. No one was expecting the world  to fall apart. Whatever was contained in the Devil was not unleashed  onto the world. Now it’s up to two powerless children, a dice with no  title, and a immortal being with no powers to fix what’s become broken.

(Story idea inspired by artwork created by @inazumaneko)

Fandom: The Cuphead Show/Cuphead Rating: Teen and Up Audiences Relationships: Cuphead & Mugman & The Devil & King Dice, The Devil/King Dice Warnings/Additional Tags: Lots of Characters, Violence, Blood, Sacrifice, People are gonna die, Death, Elder Kettle is in this but won’t appear for awhile, AU, Inspired by Tumblr, End of the World.

“You need to listen to reason, please! They’re just kids, killing them will not help!”

 “Save your breath Dice, they aren’t going to listen.”

 Dice, with hands still wrapped around the cell bars, turned back to glare at his cellmate. “You’re no help.”

 “What do you expect me to do? Wiggle bars that I know aren’t going to pop out? We’re stuck here Dice.”

 “I can’t believe you right now. The boys are in danger and you’re just going to sit there!”

 “Dice, you need to calm down.” Lucifer stood, placing his hand on the ex-con man’s shoulders. Only pulling away when he felt Dice relax. Letting out a slow breath. “Better?”

 “No. But I don’t feel like clawing my skin off.”

 “It’s something. I get you’re upset. But you’re not going to convince this crew. For one part, I don’t think anyone is close enough to hear us. The kids haven’t even responded. The other is the fact that, whatever is happening here, it has a strong hold on everyone. Brineybeard knew us and thankfully heard us out. The sea-side town was physically affected, not mentally.”

 “This place is drenched with something bad. It’s actually soaked into the ground.” Lucifer’s face scrunched. 

 Dice raised a brow at that. “What do you mean?”

 “It…smells here. It’s disgusting. I noticed it a little bit at first, when we first entered the town, but now it’s strong. Sickeningly strong. Spice with something sticky, sick, sweet after tones.”

 Dice cautiously turned towards the out hallway, sniffing the air. “...I don’t smell anything.”

 “I figured as much. You would have said something by now.” 

 “I thought I was too busy yelling to pay attention.”

 “The smell is bad enough, you would have paused to comment on it.”

 “So…this smell. What do you think this smell is? Do you think it’s important?”

 Lucifer shrugged. Leaning against the bars and glaring on the concrete floor. “I think so… I mean, the smell is so familiar. In a weird sort of way.”

 “Are we discussing the smell of air? Really?”

 “Oh, I’m sorry, did you want to go back to yelling at the wall?”

 Dice huffed and rolled his eyes. “And you’ve been helpful?”

 “Fine. How about we just go to our neutral corners and rot away for the rest of our lives.”

 “Fine.” Dice snapped.” 

 “Fine.” Lucifer replied shortly. Stalking away and curling into one of the back corners of their small cell. Eyes staring on the dirt covered floor. Attempting to ignore Dice as he tried to break down the cell door. 

 ________________________

 Cuphead was shaking. He knew he was. It wasn’t from the cold. He was absolutely terrified.

 It took awhile to get Mugman to calm down. Between the pain and fear, the mug was beside himself. Tears poured out of his good eyes while he cradled the other one. In hopes of keeping his remaining pieces in place. Using what fabric he could spare, Cuphead had quickly created a makeshift patch. Whispering softly with comforting words while pulling Mugman close. Resting the good side of the cup’s shoulder. Hand gently rubbing the mug’s handle gently.

 Cuphead felt some weight off his shoulder when Mugman finally fell asleep. But not enough to let himself fall asleep. He was in a panicked state of mind, eyes traveling around the small cell. As if there would suddenly be a solution to get out of this situation. 

 Maybe he could blast the door-

 Wait, no powers.

 Okay…well, what if his soul could turn into the strong form-

 No powers.

 Ugh, okay, think… What about turning immortal and-

 No. Powers.

 Cuphead’s head was pounding, eyes sore and bloodshot. There was a heavy weight in his chest. He never thought his life, their lives, would fall into this state.The world falling apart, people either dead or struggling. Elder Kettle just…abandoning them and their only ‘reliable’ adults were those trying to hurt him and Mugman before. That was crazy, insane!

 And it was all his fault. 

 Cuphead’s breathing hiccuped, quickly pulling himself back from falling off that edge. With everything that was going on, with how exhausted he felt after each day, Cuphead wasn’t able to think about a lot. Now however, wide awake with nothing to distract. He kept going back to the same point. 

 This was all his fault. There was no way around this point. All of this started when he decided to go into that damned Casino. Cuphead felt terrible when he put Mugman’s life on the line. Now, he was distraught. Because his stupid, selfish choices caused everything to go to Hell. The only people he could trust fled (probably to get as far away from Cuphead as possible) and the other two were previous enemies. Previous enemies that were just as powerless as the brothers were.

 All of this falling back to one point.

 Cuphead gambled and lost. 

 From the very start, he was determined to set things right. To make sure that nothing else could be lost (oh, the irony there). Cuphead had tried to get the contracts on his own at first. Feeling sick when he had to call his neighbors and friends out to fight. Had tried to convince Mugman that the mug needed to go home when the ‘younger’ suddenly showed up. But no matter how hard Cuphead tried to keep a grip on the situation, it all slipped through his fingers.

 Lost in his thoughts of escaping and berating, Cuphead wasn’t aware that the sun was rising. Both brothers jumped when their cell door was slammed open. The Mayor standing in the doorway while being followed by a large group of his followers. 

 “Good morning, my little sinners,” the Mayor practically purred, “I hope you’re ready to be sacrificed!”

 Cuphead curled closer around his brother hearing the mug let out a whimper. The cup opened his mouth to try and argue, to beg, to curse. But nothing fell out.

 “Silent acceptance. What a wonderful sound. Gather them up my lovely followers. We need to start.” 

 Either too exhausted or mind still reeling on trying to figure out what to do, Cuphead barely fought back. Foggy mind still trying to to work out some solution as they were both easily lifted and carried out. He heard Mugman whisper a desperate plea for Cuphead to do or say something. 

 But the cup wasn't moving. Eyes straight ahead.

 None of the cells they passed held Dice or Lucifer. They were led (carried was probably more accurate) back towards the center of the village. Their cart was gone. Possibly destroyed to be used as raw materials for whatever crazy idea the Mayor had. The ruined fountain was now hidden away, underneath a large wood stage. A structure that towered above them. The only ‘unique’ thing about it all was a single wooden plank with a single piece of rope tied to it. 

 The brothers were carried up said stairs. Quickly tied up by the rope, letting out a scream as they’re pushed off. The single beam letting out a dangerous creak at the sudden and sharp supply of weight. Now both brothers were dangling dangerously above the uneven bricked road. Cuphead felt his stomach drop at the distance between them and the ground. Which seemed to only grow the more the cup stared down. 

 “Dear followers,” the Mayor called out cheerfully to the large crowd gathered below, “the time you’ve been waiting for! The justice our Melodious Voice deserves. These despicable beings of deceitfulness will bring about the ending we all deserve. When their heads are smashed upon the ground, we will gain our reward!”

 There were cries and cheers of agreement at the Mayor’s speech. The brother’s let out another scream of fear as the rope jerked. Looking up to find another follower slowly cutting the thick rope.

 “Fester in your fear, oh sinners! Your dark emotions will only make our victory so much better.”

 “C-Cuphead!” Mugman cried out, “C-Cuphead, what do we do?”

 “I-I…” Cuphead swallowed weakly. Wide eyes darting around in desperation, trying to find some sort of solution. 

 Another jerk to the rope as it’s cut a little further and Cuphead seemed to snap out of his fear. In the moment of clarity, he filled his lungs and belted out a single word that held every plea in his body. 

 “HELP!”

 ________________________

 Dice wasn’t sure when he fell asleep. He hadn’t intended to, so he assumed his body had just given out. Learning against the metal bars, sleeping ‘peacefully’. Until a loud ‘BANG’ echoed in their small cell. The bars rattled furiously as something clearly slammed into them. 

 “W-What?” Dice called out, standing up on shaky legs as he looked around. He eventually noticed it was Lucifer who had moved. Gripping at the bars and snarling, his fury standing on end. “Lucifer? What’s wrong?”

 “They’re in danger.” The feral creature growled deeply. 

 “Who, what-”

 “I remember that smell now. We need to get out of here!” 

 Dice’s comment of sarcasm about trying to get out last night died away in a hard swallow as he watched Lucifer easily rip the door off its hinges. Letting out a grunt as he threw said door and rushed out before the metal hit the ground. Dice had to pick his jaw off the floor before following out. Feeling horribly sluggish between the confusion and exhaustion as he tries to catch up. 

 Stumbling back slightly upon turning the corner and almost tripping over a partially torn body. 

 “Oh…” Dice swallowed weakly, “We’re in that kind of mood- Wait…that kind of mood?”

 It suddenly hit Dice why this scene all looked so familiar. This was a typical tantrum attack from the Devil, not Lucifer. A confusion of how this was even possible and what had set the other off, Dice picked up the pace. Easily ignoring the multiple bodies that now litter the floor. Lucifer was kicking the doors open just as Dice finally reached him. 

 “Lucifer! Lucifer, what’s happening to you?” Dice stumbled back slightly, catching the full view of the other.

 This was definitely not the being Dice had been traveling with the past few days. Horns had grown, fangs clear and long that were framed with curled lips in a snarl, claws tearing deep gashes into the stone wall. Yellow eyes were shining brightly, pupils barely visible slits. It wasn’t the full Devil, but Dice knew this was not something that could be counted as normal. 

 “Lucifer-”

 “Do you smell it?” the other’s voice was a low growl, “Fear.”

 “The boys?”

 “He’s caused this. That prideful, arrogant bastard. I’ll rip him APART.”

  Dice clenched his fists. “They get him! Why are you just standing there?”

 He stumbled back slightly at the sudden gust of wind as Lucifer took off. Dice following as best he could once more, heading towards the center of town. He heard the screams of fear followed by the roar of no doubt Lucifer. Turning the next building just as a body was flung past him. Lucifer was doing his best to fend off the Mayor’s followers. The crazed man himself standing above it all on a large wooden structure. And dangling off said structure by a slowly fraying rope were-

 “Boys!” Dice called out in panic. Feeling sick with worry as fearful eyes landed on him. Screams of fear and pleas being drowned out by Lucifer and the screams. “Lucifer, I need to get up there!” 

 But the other had difficulty breaking free from the piles of mortals. Holding his own, but unable to rush to aid. Glowing eyes always snapping back to the Mayor, clearly stating that the mortal was his only goal. So, Dice was on his own. He knew running up the structure would take too long. It was going to be a struggle just to cut his way through the current fight. Meaning Dice had to try and catch them. 

 But for that he would need-

 Eyes landed on a discarded knife. Not his own, no doubt it belonged to one of the villagers and weren’t able to use it before Lucifer got to them. But it benefited Dice. He snatched it up as he darted forward. Keeping on his toes as he dodged around the bodies being thrown around. A quick moment of silence of thanks that all seemed to focus on Lucifer. 

 Heart hammering, Dice took a deep breath, aimed, and threw the knife. It hit its mark. Slicing through the remainder of the rope easily. The brothers let out screams of absolute fear as they dropped. Dice quickly got below them, letting out an ‘Oomph!’as they landed in his arms. But Dice didn’t stop. Now that the boys weren’t in danger of smashing, Dice’s next concern was to get them as far away as possible. 

 “It’s okay, you’re both okay.” Dice whispered in what he hoped was a calming voice. Dashing away from the center, ducking between the crumbling buildings. 

 Hoping they were well hidden, Dice set the brother’s down and began to untie them. Carefully and quickly checking them over, a brief moment of relief when Dice discovered no new injuries. Mugman was sobbing. Dice happily allowing the mug to cling to him. Cuphead was more quiet in his sorrow. It was the first time Dice had ever seen the young cup cry. Face scrunched up with eyes closed, tears flowing, shoulders shaking slightly with the occasional hiccup. 

 Cuphead was startled as he was easily picked up. An arm holding him close to a warm body he knew he shouldn’t find comfort in. 

 “You’re okay.” Dice whispered calmly.

 “I-I… I couldn’t d-do anything.” Cuphead choked out. 

 “It’s okay,” Dice commented, “You're okay. You can’t expect to carry the world. That’s…That’s why I’m here. Let me help.”

 Cuphead collapses against Dice, feeling some sort of weight being lifted off his shoulders. Allowing himself to relax around the ex-con man. Dice let out a sigh of relief as he held the brother’s closer. Trying to enjoy the brief moment of silence. 

 “You ungrateful sinner!”

 Dice tensed up at the unfortunately familiar voice. Keeping the boys close to his chest, the ex-con man found the Mayor behind him. Breathing ragged with a knife held tightly in his hand.

 “You’ve ruined everything! You are beyond redemption, your blood will be spilled along with theirs!”

 As the Mayor raised his knife, Dice held the brothers closer, trying to quickly work out some escape plan. It was impossible to dodge. The Mayor was to close and any movement could put the boys in immediate danger. But fighting was out of the question as well. Not enough room to maneuver. Dice was clearly going to have to take the blow. 

 The knife had barely started to lower when something heavy collided against the Mayor. Keeping the brother’s as close as possible so they couldn’t watch, Dice felt himself tense as he watched. Being filled with absolute fear. 

 Lucifer looked absolutely deranged. Fur soaked with blood, claws covered with the same substance with his hangs painted red. He was snarling as he towered over the Mayor. Who was now pinned to the ground, eyes wide with fear as he stared up at Lucifer. 

 Dice could only watch as Lucifer’s jaw unhinged, a fearful moment passing that Dice thought the other was going to fully eat the Mayor. Instead an unholy noise left Lucifer, one that sounded like a soulless wail. One that was unnaturally mimicked by the Mayor in turn. A purple-greenish smoke started to rise off the stiff Mayor. Lucifer seemed to suck every last bit of it until the Mayor was nothing more than a small pile of dust with rags covering it. 

 Satisfied, Lucifer stood once more, putting his jaw back in place before facing Dice. Who was as stiff as could be with a hand on the back of each brother’s head.

 When Dice allowed his brain to restart, he realized Lucifer had returned to his ‘mortal’ self. “Lucifer…what the hell was that?”

 The other paused at this. Attention going back to the slowly disappearing into the wind pile of dust. Eye growing wide in surprise, as if he just now realized what happened. “I..am not really sure…”

 “What do you mean you don’t-” Dice swallowed weakly, looking down at the boys quickly. They hadn’t moved, still pressed desperately close, not wanting to move. “We can have this talk later. Right now we need to-”

 The ground suddenly began to shake. Lucifer quickly bends down and wraps his arms around the boys and Dice protectively. The adultes watched as cracks suddenly began to form. Large wisps of the same purple-green smoke crawled its way out from the center of town. Seeping into said cracks, all disappearing into them before the cracks closed and the ground became solid once more. 

 A few moments passed before Dice gave a weak, “What the hell?”

 “Okay. We’ll unpack all of this later. Right now, we need to get our supplies and leave.”

 Dice merely nodded. All huddled close as they moved together through the eerily quiet town. 

 It was a moment of relief upon finding the cart and horse (surprisingly) in tack. Along with their supplies nearby in a half-hazard pile. They remained quiet as they hitched everything up and quickly left. Making a point to cut a wide path away from the center. 

 “Is everyone dead?” Mugman asked weakly when they were far enough away. 

 “I’m not sure they were even alive to begin with.” Lucifer replied back, but didn’t explain further. 

 In all honesty, no one wanted to continue to talk about it. At least, not right now.

The purple-green smoke seeped into the ground. Wiggling its way deeper, sliding through every crack and opening. Reaching a cavern deep into the earth, completely shrouded in darkness. The smoke hovering near the top, as if afraid to go further in.

 But it wasn’t given much of a choice. 

 In the heavy darkness, unseen by any, a large mouth unseen in the darkness opened and easily swallowed the smoke. Multiple eyes of sickly yellow, glowing as they peered around the dark. A soft giggle echoing within the cavern. 

 “So…they’re still alive. I should be upset…but I’m so curious to see how far they can get into this ‘adventure’. I’ve waited a few centuries for revenge…I can wait longer.”

[jadorelesradis]

Ok so I need to put something out there but I keep going back and forth about telling someone or not, so a read more post on my very unpopular tumblr is a good compromise I think?

TW depression, suicide (same old, same old), looooooooong post of dramatic rambling. It is not a cry for help.

It’s happening again.

I’ve had a manic episode and now I’m back in depression. Big time. I’m starting to have these nagging thoughts about dying. The metro is stuck, what if it exploded or summat? I wake up from a xanax nap, if I were to top myself I’m definitely using that! Everybody hates me, I’m expendable. I can’t do this to my mum, granny, brothers, nephews...

And it’s hard to explain but I don’t regret any of my suicide attempts, nor do I regret having survived them. Like, I feel I made the right decision and to be honest what happened after, even all the good times, it was not that great either. Just ok enough to keep me alive, I guess it’s not that bad. And I really can’t do that to my loved ones.

My former flatmate told me she would sometimes listen to me sleep to make sure I was still alive. Last weekend, she was the one to comfort me when I broke down at another friend’s party. I hate myself for the pain I inflicted to her and I don’t want to worry her anymore. Ironically, she almost died last year from her ovocyte donation. As Depeche Mode once said "God's got a sick sense of humour”.

Anyway, I am in pain so I get these suicidal thoughts. Then I distract myself and it goes away. Then something or other reminds me the world is shit. I am in pain again. I’m not sure how long I’m going to last like this.

But, as much as I am ok with dying, I am terrified by the idea of going back to the hospital. The looney bin is a fucking prison, it’s boring as fuck and if anything it makes me want to die more. Last time, it drove me so mad I argued endlessly with the doctor and she sent me to a much, much worse place (I was in a dedicated department for mood disorders and got sent to a stricter department on the other side of the region where all types of mental illnesses, it’s fucking scary, it makes the other hospital look like a 5* hotel). Then they sent me back because I was too well for them and then annoyed the original doctor into letting me go. She was so fucking mad, it bordered on being unprofessional and I left against medical advice. I am not doing this again.

One thing that is a guaranteed ticket to the psych ward is suicide ideation with a plan. I am not there yet but I feel it creeping into my brain. I push it away as best as I can. It’s hard.

I haven’t told my therapist and psychiatrist about that. They know it’s getting bad but not about the suicidal stuff. I want to tell them but again, the hospital is weighing on me like the sword of Damocles. They’re focusing on my anxiety for now, which is good because it’s through the bloody roof atm. I keep having panic attacks and that weird thing where my brain just stops because I’ve got too many things to do at once. It’s disconcerting really, I’m sat there, paralysed for no reason. 

I should break up with my therapist. I rarely get anything from our sessions. We speak about TV shows and social justice. He tells me to keep going. It’s really helpful and it’s not cheap. I should see someone new. But I don’t know how to tell him. And finding a new shrink isn’t that easy. And then starting anew. It’s hell.

I was watching a TV show earlier and one character said that even though she always says “I am a child of divorce” past the age 30, she really isn’t the produce of her parents’ love or hatred. She’s her own person. It was meant as a nice thing, an empowered statement. It just reminded me that I am alone, that friendship is nice but the support you get from your loved ones only goes so far. I think the endless propaganda about love has gotten to me because I keep thinking that if I were with someone, romantically, I would someone to count on 100%. I also don’t think it’s a very healthy dynamic. It’s conflicting.

I obviously can’t avoid talking about Starmania. The waitress, Marie Jeanne, may have shaped my identity after listening to her songs day in, day out as a kid.

She’s stuck in a menial job where every day is the same. She doesn’t know what she wants, only not work. She wants to escape. She sings that in the end, we are all alone in this world. She says her head hurts, she just wants to sleep, that we should let her die because she doesn’t to be a part of this fucking society anymore. And she’s not sure whether the society is that much of a problem or if it’s just her.

I tick every boxes here. Except I am not in love in a gay man who’s really superficial anyway.

It’s an odd conclusion but why not? My venting is over.

[sillyguyhotline]

[fruggo]

the boys x tough f!reader (part 2)

requested by : @dranonymous

i love this idea and i hope you all enjoy part two! :D here’s part 1 with the original request.

warnings: swearing, canon-typical violence, dwight is really cute, danny is an asshole, jake is that cute “stoic man who is actually caring and thoughtful” trope because i say so

𝐃𝐖𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐅𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐅𝐈𝐄𝐋𝐃

you are so cool. like ,,,,,so cool

dwight admires you so much. you just got here and yet you are breaking pyramid head’s ankles—dodging his trail of torment left and right, the killer just can’t touch you.

and how did you feel about everything? terrified, honestly, but nobody would ever be able to tell because you didn’t let it get to you. it was like you had already been here before, because the second you learned how to do something, you had it down no problem. fixing generators came naturally, and you could also run the killer for the whole trial if you had to. teammates could easily rely on you to do whatever needed to be done.

that was what made you and dwight such a powerful duo. from the moment you met, you knew you felt comfortable around this guy. he was sweet, maybe a little timid sometimes, but he knew how to step up and be a leader for everyone despite his fears.

you both knew what to do, and you fit together like a glove. your minds worked in very similar ways, which made communicating that much easier and efficient; the second a decision needed to be made, dwight was on top of it, encouraging the teammates and helping them get on their feet. you were already ahead of them, so dwight would just nod to you, knowing you could do your job well.

of course, there were times when dwight’s anxiety got the better of him, and you had to be the one encouraging him.

dwight hated the hag. despised her. he could not stand her jumpscares when a trap was triggered, he would swear he was about to have a heart attack. he couldn’t admit this at first, but you figured it out when feng min was hooked and dwight stuck to the generator, nervously glancing over his shoulder every few seconds. he always went for the saves, so something was obviously wrong.

“dwight? why don’t you go save her?” you asked, eyeing him from your side of the generator.

he didn’t respond, looking over his shoulder again.

you decided to rescue min, but when you got back, you were going to chew dwight out until he gave you a straight answer.

you crawled up to the hook to avoid triggering a trap and gently lowered min to the ground. the two of you inched away carefully until you were far enough away to patch her wound.

“dwight, get off your ass and answer me,” you demanded (affectionately) once you were back at the generator, which was nearly finished. “what’s wrong?”

his eyes conveyed nervousness in every sense of the word; they darted all around, searching for any incoming danger. this was your first time seeing him like this, so you were confused. was he alright?

“it’s just…the hag,” he started, still fiddling with the wires. “her traps, i can’t…”

oh. was he anxious about the traps?

“i just can’t deal with them,” he finally said with difficulty. that was understandable; when they caught you off guard it definitely made you leap out of your skin.

“dwight, listen,” you said. “you’ve dealt with every other killer in this realm, haven’t you? you’ve bested the nurse, the huntress, micky myers, and even the spirit, who’s a bitch. i know hag’s traps are fucking terrifying, but you’re dwight! you are a leader, and you are good at being a leader. you can get out of here, i promise. and besides, with me here, you have nothing to worry about. i’ll kick that witch’s ass, got it?”

your very inspirational speech got him to smile. you were right, anyways—you could definitely kick the hag’s ass. what could go wrong?

nothing, actually. genuinely nothing went wrong. you took chase for the rest of the trial so that dwight didn’t have to worry about a thing, and everybody escaped with no problem. he didn’t understand how you were so good at evading capture—but perhaps you would tell him about your past eventually. you hadn’t yet decided.

back at the campfire, you and dwight comfortably sat side-by-side, patiently waiting until your next trials.

“thanks,” he said.

“for what?”

“for that very motivational speech you gave me,” he laughed.

you wiped imaginary dust off of your shoulder, giving him a confident smile. “i got your back. and man, that hag lady really is a bitch, huh? i can see why you hate her.”

that comment unintentionally caused one of dwight’s long, angry rants about his least favorite killer, and all you could do was watch him and listen with a soft grin on your lips. you’d never seen him angry before—it was adorable. made you wonder if you should just piss him off for fun sometimes.

𝐉𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊

this guy has hella respect for you

you’re independent and easy to teach, and that’s everything he could ask for.

now and then, the other survivors basically gave newbies to jake to teach them everything about the realm—they considered him the expert on all things survival. you were one of those newbies he was forced to take care of.

jake normally hated teaching new survivors more than anything, because it was never his choice and they were all so difficult. but you were different. you were responsible, reliable, and smart, and it made his job so much easier. as time went on, he grew to be quite fond of you.

word eventually got out that the new girl had managed to charm jake out of his “hermit ways,” but he insisted that it was not true (he also disagreed about the “hermit ways” part). it was never spoken of between the two of you, but it definitely floated around in the air waiting to be addressed.

it really couldn’t be ignored any longer. anytime you were seen anywhere within 24 feet of each other, the other survivors would give you looks and wiggle their eyebrows or shoot you a thumbs up—all of which were unwanted. it created a weird tension between you and jake that wasn’t there before, and you really didn’t like it.

you missed when you were first starting out, and jake had just realized how competent you are. those days were fun—he respected you a lot; you could see it in his face when he looked at you. you always knew when he was pleased and when you did stuff right, because he would have the tiniest, most subtle grin on his face, but you could see it, and it made you feel accomplished.

you knew he still respected you, but you had basically jumped the learning curve of the realm and quickly adapted to every killer, every challenge, and every task. how you did it, nobody could ever know. but you were almost sad, because there was kind of no reason for you and jake to spend a lot of time together anymore. if you did, then everybody would freak out for the wrong reasons, and it would ruin your friendship.

so what if you had a few small feelings for him? no one gave a shit—you knew jake probably wouldn’t give a shit. to him, you were just another annoying survivor he was forced to teach. besides, you didn’t have time for that kind of thing.

man, were you wrong, though. he really, really wanted to be around you, but you already knew everything, so he didn’t know what to do to spend time with you. his way of initial bonding was sharing knowledge, but that had already been done, so…what now?

then came the one trial that changed everything.

it was normal at first. the killer, blight, was doing well, so you had to step up your game. one generator was completed and he had 4 hooks on three different people—you were the only one not hooked yet.

he was after you, and you were expertly dodging every rush and swing he threw your way. unfortunately, you accidentally ran to the generator that jake was working on, and things got a little complicated.

when the blight rushed at the wall, then at you, jake ran towards you while you ran towards him—you were both looking over your shoulders—and alas, bonk. you crashed into each other.

oh, no!! how terrible!! looks like jake fell on top of you :/ what an unfortunate situation to be in /s /s /s /s /s

wowwww near proximity ! you’d never been so close before and it was awkward but nice (?)

then you remembered there was a crazy drug addict or whatever over there and he was chasing you, and the moment was ruined. jake quickly rose and pulled you up with him, and you went in opposite directions, both nervous and wide-eyed now.

lol

after that, the trial went quite south. everybody was sacrificed. perhaps the loss could be partly attributed to you and jake avoiding each other like the plague. but who knows, right?

back at the campfire, you began feeling overwhelmed by all the weird stuff happening lately, so you excused yourself to the edge of the woods to have some quiet time to yourself. a few minutes later, jake came to check on you bc he is a fucking gentleman and yes i will die for the “stoic man who is actually caring and thoughtful” trope. fuck you

it’s slightly awkward at first, but then you start talking like normal and things feel a lot better. a little bit of the tension eases away, but not completely. what the fuck do you do with feelings like this?????

you simply composed yourself as best you could. it would have to do.

now that you felt a little more normal (lie), you trekked back to the campfire to wait for your next trials side-by-side. there was no one you felt more comfortable with or more respected by than jake. he appreciated you for your competency, and that was one of the best things you could ask for.

and to your surprise, jake actually took your hand and laced your fingers with his own. and it felt nice. never in your existence would you have thought he would be okay with displaying public affection, but you smiled up at him and gave his hand a light squeeze.

maybe the entity gave him drugs.

or he just liked you that much. either one would make sense.

𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐘 𝐉𝐎𝐇𝐍𝐒𝐎𝐍

danny hated you. he really did.

you were so unbothered, so calm, so good at knowing what to do. it really pissed him off.

you got so much attention from the other survivors for your skill and that really pissed him off too. it’s not like you cared or wanted it or anything, but how dare they even touch you when you so clearly belonged to danny?

…who knows wtf that even means. so anyways-

when you realized how much time danny spent chasing you in trials when he should have been patrolling generators, you began to get suspicious. especially when he would take you to the hatch and then close it in your face, watching you die to the entity. he obviously had some kind of beef with you.

you were determined to find out what he had against you, so you began to tease him a bit in chases. your favorite and most frequent phrase was something like, "can't catch me? lil baby man? lil baby? lil baby man gonna cry?" you were really testing your luck with that one, and that's why you loved it.

once, you told him his fly was down, and he actually fell for it, making you nearly keel over in laughter. you got moried without even being hooked after that.

despite the horrors that frequented this place, you were never in a crisis about it. you simply learned what had to be done, and then you did it, much to the chagrin of danny. you had skipped the big "useless baby survivor" phase, and that one was his favorite :( he loved trials with new survivors because it was so easy and fun!

but alas, from the beginning, you were always on top of things, always slamming pallets onto his head or saving teammates with a flashlight.

oh, don't even get him started on your flashlight usage. you were the absolute worst to go against--every pallet stun, boom: danny's eyes fucking burned out. every time he picks up a survivor, boom: danny's eyes fucking burned out. you were a bitch with that item.

he finally began to get so fed up with your behavior that he decided you must be taught a lesson. somehow, countless mori and tunneling and camping incidents had not even managed to bother you. you literally did not care. but he had something different in mind this time.

the realm was haddonfield, of course. all of the killers despised this map, and for good reason--you ran danny around the entire neighborhood for three generators. did he have to chase you? no. but he needed to for himself.

he finally caught you in a dead zone, rejoicing to himself as you fell to the ground in defeat. "wow, that was a good chase," you mumbled under your breath, feeling accomplished. one of your best against danny, probably.

you were expecting him to pick you up, but instead he snatched the flashlight from your grasp and chucked it as far away as he could. and before you could protest, he pulled you up to stand again and yanked you towards himself, gripping your wrists so tightly you swore it left bruises.

"what's wrong...lil baby man?" you said with a pout, trying not to laugh. "is baby man angry?"

you were slightly scared if you were being honest, but you couldn't let him know that.

danny sighed. you really didn't know when to stop, did you?

"bitch," he spat, voice dangerously quiet. "cut that shit out."

"what shit?"

he squeezed your arms tighter, provoking an "okay, okay, i get it!" from you.

"do you?"

"sure. what's the worst you could possibly do to me anyways?" after those words left your mouth, you got a weird feeling that the killer was smiling behind his mask.

"listen, uhh, danny, is it?" you said, putting as much nonchalance into your voice as you could. "i just wanna know why you hate me so much. remember that time you closed the hatch in my face? the fuck was that for?"

he frowned at the use of his name but responded regardless, "you're a little bitch, and you deserved that."

you gasped dramatically, feigning offense. "ouch. that one hurt."

"i can make you hurt a lot more," he said darkly. you probably should have been scared, but you just really couldn't take him seriously.

so you laughed. it shouldn't have been funny, but it just was and now you couldn't stop. "you're just--you--i can't--" you wheezed, shaking from the laughter. "i'm sorry, it's really not funny."

danny didn't understand you. anybody else would have been sobbing if he so much as touched them, and here you were acting like it was a joke.

what could he do if you truly were not afraid of him?

perhaps it was time to let it go.

while his guard was down, suddenly you reached above his head and plucked his mask off, revealing his face and continuing your bouts of laughter at his shocked expression.

you threw the mask in the same direction as the flashlight, composing yourself and putting your hands on your hips. "you look pretty nice," you said, nodding.

wow. what the hell was danny supposed to do with you? perhaps the only completely unbothered, completely unserious survivor? he knew you were smart, and you knew what you were doing. he didn't even want to kill you anymore, you were just that fascinating.

that trial ended in you standing at the exit gate, your finger and your thumb in the shape of an L on your forehead. danny couldn’t care less at this point--he was done with your shit. but somehow he still liked you, and this definitely would not be the last time you saw him without his mask.