#i honestly cant remember if theyve ever reached out to me

[kkyaka]

Tips on how to keep friends please

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Someone help me out here please

I work at a summer camp, and at this camp we tell a legend at the end of every week, a fantastical story about the origins of camp. A very fun, very important part of camp. The story means a fuckton to me and a lot of people.

A part of why it means a fuckton to me is because a woman I used to be very close with used to tell the story, and then she passed it on to me to tell.

It's a long sad story about why we're not close, but the important thing to note is, we can't talk to each other. At all. And we agreed not to pass messages through other people or anything cuz it just really hurts.

Back to the story. It's oral tradition, but I decided I wanted to collect transcripts from as many of the storytellers as I can and put them all together to help preserve it, as it's so important to camp and many people. Part of the reason I started was because that old friend of mine gave me a transcript of the story. It means a lot to me because of her, I started this important project because of her, she's a big part of it even though she doesn't know it.

Soon I'm going to send the various transcripts I've collected to the people that have helped me. Everyone that's given me a story will receive the entire set I've collected and have access to it forever and ever, to see the new stories and watch the history grow. I think it'll be really super fucking cool.

The thing is. I believe that old friend deserves to have access to it all too. After all, she was such a big part of it. However, according to the promise that we made, I can't contact her either directly or indirectly. So I don't think I can just email her the transcripts with everyone else or give it to someone to pass on to her. Right?

I'm torn because:

She deserves to have this part of camp history because I know how important it is to her and how much she would love to see it grow. She really loves the story and she helped so much with the project, even if she doesn't know it. But she deserves to know it and it doesn't feel right to leave her out of this.

BUT at the beginning of the whole document I'm going to write a quick preface explaining the project and thanking those that have helped and etc. I have to thank her in that, everyone that gains access to the document should know how much she impacted it. But if she reads that from me, it might be too much. If I just sent her the stories, maybe, maybe that might be okay. But the foreword has to be included and she has to be included in it, but we agreed not to contact each other and her seeing that foreword might break the promise, if sending the document doesn't. Just sending the document would probably even break it.

She deserves to have it, but she doesn't deserve to have her trust in me broken, and I'm afraid that she'll be hurt by being left out, but also she might be hurt if I send it.

I texted my best friend, who's friends with both of us, and he said that I should just send it. But the is a really big, important thing that I could easily fuck up if I'm not careful. Do I play it safe and not send it, leaving her out even though I know that's not fair to her? Or do I take a risk and send it, even though it might hurt her?

[grvntld]

okie so my first chika is actually about boyfie's fambam which are gonna be my in-laws in just a few months. IN. JUST. A. FEW. MONTHS. im gonna get married in just a few months and i still couldnt believe it but also i could not wait bc i love my man i love him so much y'all hv no idea how much and i cant wait to like officially build a life w him even though we hv started doing that already with our plans and all that

anyway, so yeah, boyfie's fambam — theyve always treated me with nothing short of warm. even from the v start and boyfie and i were not like a steady couple yet, like we were just dating and seeing where the tides will take us, they have always treated me like im already part of their family, like they know where our relationship was heading back then. it was heartwarming.

so uhm, i was in lipa, batangas last friday, right? and boyfie's fambam is actually from batangas so of course, i messaged them and told them im in batangas but im on a tight schedule and im not sure if i could meet them but hopefully soon we would be able to see each other again. i didnt know they were out doing errands though and they were near my place of werq that time so i was really surprised when they messaged me if they could maybe drive by just to see me. ngl i panicked. i told my bosses right away if i could excuse myself for a few minutes once my future in-laws are near so i could just say hi and good thing they said yes. they texted me when they were at the golf and country club's gate so i could wait for them in the hotel lobby since i was really on a tight schedule and the owners of the whole property were there too. so there i was in the hotel lobby waiting for them and they got into a problem by the gate since the place is kinda exclusive + of course, under strict protocol so they had to give my name and our contact's name and at first, the guards still wont let them until they called me and i got to talk to the guards on the phone and told them who i was and what was my business there and they were aware of what my team was doing there anyway so after that call, boyfie's fambam was finally let in. i even told the guards they were my future in-laws and right then and there i kinda aggshsjsjskll got shy bc well, im actually a rlly shy person, okkkkk?¿¿?¿??? plus i know they could hear my conversation with the guards since im on loud speaker + i got rlly soft when i was even waiting for the guards to be available to talk to me bc boyfie's dad was on the phone and he was like, "hello, aina. sandali lang, ineng, ha? si tatay ito" 🥺 im soft, you guys!!!! he's basically telling me that it's fine to call him tatay, right? 🥺🥲😭

ok so fast forward to them finally reaching the hotel lobby. i thought it was only boyfie's parents that i was going to see that day so my mind was running wild when i saw figures on the back seat. turns out, boyfie's eldest sister and her hubby — who i both havent met ever since as they were destined in the middle east before and our schedules just wont meet every time they go back here in the ph — were with the parents. i was even kinda in denial as i was going down the staircase of the hotel lobby to meet them by the driveway bc i was telling myself maybe those were actually boyfie's other siblings that i hv met olredi, but then as i got closer, i was just seeing clearly that they were indeed boyfie's eldest sister and her hubby and i was agvsgsbshdnfubeudbfjndjdkdkslsllsl i dont know, mahn, i just rlly wanna make a good first impression. dont shit me, you would want to make a good first impression too when it comes to your partner's family, especially when your partner is part of a tight-knit family. DUH. so yeah, boyfie's mom took lead of the conversation and she was the one who made the introductions between me and boyfie's eldest sister plus her hubby. i could feel their eyes looking at me while boyfie's mom and dad were talking to me. boyfie's eldest sister and her hubby actually asked me stuff abt the golf and country club and honestly, the conversation was almost a blur to me bc i was trying my best to hold my self together as it was the first time that i was meeting them and boyfie wasnt with me and im just an awkward person overall and i was scared im gonna say the wrong things aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh but then everything turned out well. i think i did good. they also asked me of my schedule so i told them my team's gonna cover the whole place amd then we'll head to tagaytay the next day to cover a cafe, and then we're going home. hehe. it was a nice catch up × first meet session. they were nice, they were all smiling. they even gave me dragonfruits to take home. 🤚🥺

boyfie's fambam loves me. dont get me wrong, im not bragging or anything but i know when people actually like me and when they dont, and i just know that boyfie's fambam hv accepted me with their arms wide open, and i am vvv much grateful for that. i love them. i could not ask for better in-laws. theyre all wonderful and i hope they know and feel how much i love their son and brother.

okie so dazz all. at least diziz all i could remember from that time bc really it was kinda blurry to me. i felt like time slowed down but also it all happened so fast and i was just there being: ☺🥺🥲☺🥺🥲. srsly, even after that time, i was kind of shaking bc i got butterflies in my stomach for seeing them without boyfie right by my side. boyfie knows how nervous and tense i get around people so he usually holds my hand to remind me he's there and he wasnt physically there when it all happened, so when i got back to my job, i had a bit of a struggle to go back into my werq mode zone. lol. good thing i was able to push through, though, and i even hosted a live with the chef and the golf and country club's general manager, so i guess i could say i did a good job — personal-life-wise and werq-life-wise! hehe. 🙆‍♀️🦋💖🌻

[msiopao]

Nobi with the Members

WORLDWIDE HANDSOME

‘eomma!!!’

one yell from her and jin’s running in with a spatula, ready to beat the kids

thinks a lot of her outfits are revealing but gave up after nobi told him to stop complaining to the stylists

cooking buddies

feeds into jin’s ego at being handsome

‘kim seokjin? no. art? yes.’

babies nobi TOO much

even though she’s literally 24, he still treats her like she’s 12

thinks she can do no wrong and sees her as an angel

but nobi is such a bad influence

‘my hair is bothering my eyes and it makes me want to just cut if off’

*nobi handing him scissors* ‘do it’

constantly telling him that his dancing is perfect bc jin is insecure about the lack of his ability :(

even though he’s a better dancer than most

nobi tries to get him riled up so he talks all weird

the one who is actually genuinely tickled with jin’s jokes

eatjin’s legendary moments always have jin and nobi in it

goes to his hotel room just because he always has food and jin doesn’t have it in him to refuse her

the one who nags nobi the most regarding her eating

just her mom periodt

TONGUE TECHNOLOGY

gets hyper when nobi messes around

incredibly and ridiculously protective of her

helps her go through rough times as her therapist

yoongi mumbles under his breath and nobi is usually the only one who hears and will laugh as he curses someone quietly

nobi’s sense of humor is the closest with his

nap times are their bonding times

also composing

army always amazed bc nobi is the only who gets yoongi on crack mode

nobi always pinches his cheeks and she shrieks when he does that cute awkward smile

nobi absolutely flipped out when yoongi got really sick

always seeks yoongi’s approval so he’s the first one to see her lyrics

doesnt beat around the bush w it

if its bad, needs improvement

if its good, its the BEST LYRICS HES EVER READ

nobi hides her feelings well and he’s the only one who can get her to open up

during bst era, she hit her lowest

yoongi got very concerned and when she did finally talk, his heart just broke in half

she hates the fact that she can’t be the daughter her parents wanted

she hates the fact that she’s weak and breaks down easily

she hates the fact that she’s seen as a whore because she’s surrounded by boys she calls her brothers 24/7

she hates the fact that everything about her is considered wrong

that talk got them really close and yoongi makes it mission everyday to see her genuine and pretty smile

he lives for her happiness

uwu

HOBI

‘WELCOME TO THE HOBI NOBI SHOW!’

puppies

nobi hugs him a lot

whenever he dances, nobi has this look in her eyes that looks like hobi is the stars and the universe

both of them are the ones who keep the group’s mood up and tries to prevent fights

even when they’re tired from practice, they still smile and yells ‘hwaiting!’

while hobi is just a moodmaker in general,

nobi does it bc she hates confrontation and gets uncomfortable so she just blurts it out

nobi’s also a dancer so her and hobi dance ALL THE TIME

vlives w them are always filled with laughter and teasing

‘everyone, nobi just fell after hitting that spin’

‘YAH! NO I DIDNT!’

hobi is known to be a choroegrapher and nobi puts her input here and there and boom!

tbh idk why they even have a professional choreographer in the first place

hobi is a trained singer so nobi asks him to sing for her constantly

hes happy to oblige

armys live for the moments of them in run bts or vlives bc they have this vibe or bond that is just something you wished you had

JOONIE-HYUNG!

‘NOBI WATCH OUT!’

they’re the philosophical duo

nobi loves poetry and literature in general bc she tends to think really deeply 

their bonding time is those deep talks

as their leader, nobi goes to him for confirmation or approval for a lot of things

she’s always having english lessons w him and he tries his best to teach her so she could speak to int-army

bts calls them the clumsiest bc of joon’s usual clumsiness but nobi is always looking out for him so she doesnt pay attention to her surroundings and runs into something too

she loves his studio and hangs out the most even though joon’s always telling her to stay away

props up her feet on that fortune dollar table of his

when he speaks english in interviews, she watches him with a smile on her face

her dad

pats her head when she walks over to him

her and jimin crashes his vlives all the time 

there’s nothing in the world that changes the way she sees joonie

to her, she’ll always be the joonie who welcomed her to their group even though she was a brat at first

thats another story for next time

now she respects him so much and he’s probably the one she looks up to the most

overall, she idolizes him and talks about him like he put the stars in the sky while joon just sits there all flustered

MOCHI

oof look at that beautiful manjfkalj;dlfsjkf

cannot sleep without her chimmy plush

when they first met, he was the first one she got really close to

his cute chubby cheeks were victims of her uwu moments

learns a lot fo ballet videos from youtube and they dance it in vlives all the time

remember when i said she had an eating disorder?

yea, it happened around the time he had his too

nobi was always trying to eat little ever since debut but she stopped eating for days at a time and with jimin doing it too, bts kinda derailed for a hot minute

a long emotional time of sufering until bang pd demanded they stop it immediately

after that, they had an emotional sit down where they just cried and spilled all their insecurities and they had each other’s backs

knowing she was already skinny, jimin disapproved but she also disapproved and again, more tears

nobi always hides snacks in her and kook’s room that kook doesn’t even know about and she always brings the box over to jimin’s room if hobi is out for schedules

when hobi went to america, nobi slept in jimin’s room

kook was real pissed off about it

eyesmiles for days

giggles 24/7

has the picture of one of jimin’s unreleased baby pictures as her home screen

dies a little inside when nobi reaches over to him with sweater paws bc OMG she’s so cute

uwu

jimin really coos and giggles at nobi bc of her small height and her uwu energy

sorry i used uwu a lot

TAETAE

the dumpling accident omg

jimin mentioned it in a vlive earlier and nobi also talked about it a day later in her own vlive

‘tae was very hungry at that time and just wanted to eat it immediately and when he got angry, he curled up to nobi and refused to acknowledge me’

again, nobi hates confrontation so fights between the members always brings her down and so she tries to comfort each member

she bought tae some dumplings after practice and tricked him into meeting jimin so they could meet up

tbh, tae would be a mess without nobi

she helps him clean up his room but gives up w the amount of clothes on the floor

‘honestly, you shouldve just stayed roommates w joonie-hyung. we cant trust you to room by yourself’

she goes to his room sometimes and just lays on his bed bc he has the softest bed in the whole dorm

tae is already known to be very regal and royalty like whenever he steps outside

combine that with graceful queen nobi?

oof armys fanfiction royalty aus pop up everywhere

nobi is still angry that tae isn’t a gucci model w her bc she feels out of place being the only member w a clothing sponsorship

but underneath that stiff and cold facade, they both are seen making faces and goofing off all the time

nobi can only stand being a queen for so long

in one concert, she danced w him in a duet w singularity and lets just say, armys died that night

always stands next to each other and if they cant, always seen giving each other longing stares and smiles

the 2nd most popular ship in the fandom and they know it too so they keep feeding armys for their compilation videos

MUSCLE PIG

the only member who’s younger than her

actually would it be considered if they’re only 10-months apart?

kook refuses to call her noona unless he wants something

initially didnt like her but there was a time she bought him banana milk and it was all good

our boy was crying bc he was hungry and tired and he was trying to control his weight and he just wanted some banana milk

they’re a superior ship

one of the most popular ship in the whole industry

actually the superior couple and kai and jennie can square up

there’s fan edits of them and they both purposely do stuff to help them make au videos in youtube

theyve seen it before so we arent safe bois

the 2nd pair of roommates in the bts dorm

nobi is usually the first one to sleep while kook is watching something in the living room

when he goes to his room, he takes a minute and stands at the doorway and just looks at nobi with love in his eyes

mhm

nobi loves warmth so she gets out of her own bed at like 3 in the morning and just goes into kook’s and cuddles to him

sometimes, they just lay in bed and nobi is holding his hand just inspecting his tattoos

‘should we get a matching tattoo?’

their closet is large and tbh, they share the same clothing anyways

more like nobi wears mostly kook’s stuff

like, really, nobi has pants and a few shirts and thats it

they share everything like family but kook refuses to share her w anyone else but him

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

[noorengels]

reasons i am sad (friendship edition)

in year 4 my best friend invited everyone to her birthday party and not me and they all actually kept it a secret really well they almost pulled it off except she held her party in la plaza which basically is the hangout spot for families in that area i spent all my fridays there playing until midnight bc literally everyone from school would go. so i was walking home with my entire family inc grandparents and uncles and we went through la plaza and there they were! every single one of my friends at her party! apparently her mum didnt let her invite me bc apparently i hit her which i didn’t i hit another girl so her excuse is invalid and its the first time ive been so publicly excluded i cried on a bench.

in year 7 we hated this girl bc she was so fake i genuinely believe she is a psychopath like she has all the symptoms except shes in set 5 maths lol so my friend was like what if i spread a rumour about her and i was like lol do it and she did and for some reason i was blamed??? and lost all of my friends and she bullied me so hard but i didnt realise bc i was “friends” with her bc our mums were friends so shed like walk with me to lessons and talk to me while belittleing me and idk she was just a fucking bitch she made me feel so horrible like it was emotional bullying but also like telling everyone who i liked and saying lmao you literally have no friends “count how many friends you have? omg you literally cant even reach ten can you???” like in front of everyone but then shed also be really nice to me at the same time like idk it was like she was my friend but she bullied me it was so horrible saffa i hate you and the original friend who spread the rumour went on to become her best friend for like 6 years so uh hate that

managed to make friends with people not in my class in year 8! which sucked bc saffa had alienated people in my class so now they all just didnt like me i was the weird girl with no friends because of her and it was so horrible bc id always be forced to join the ready made groups between friends by the teacher  bc i didnt have a group to work with or id get paired with the weird girl like i was only the weird girl after saffa made everyone hate me this girl was weird bc she just is idk 

in year 10 they made a gc without me! i basically created that group tho like i gathered these friends i hade made in different lessons (obviously not in my main class lol) and they literally just??? decided to exclude me for no reason. and then theyd talk about what they talked about in the gc in front of me like “omg remember last night on the gc” isha ur so fucking boring no normal person talks about their gc with the same people again do u have no other conversational points smh

in year 11 it got so bad to the point where once i sat with them and they all just left! like they took their stuff and moved to the table behind me i wanted to cry so bad i did at home i think its the worst one out of all of these because it happened to my face? idk saffa was horrible too but this was just “were leaving” idk like ive never felt as horrible as i did in that moment i cant even describe how im feeling rn reliving it

its okay bc i made friends with my best friend from sciences + history bc our surnames are next to each other so we always sat together! i honestly clung to this girl after that bc i refused to spend a second longer with that other group after 3 years of enduring not even being liked by ur friends so i made friends with her friends which was easy bc yes! 

so by the first term of year 12 i had three friends! in fact one of them was like ur not having a birthday party??? im taking u out to eat so my first birthday event thing in literally years was all thanks to arun i am honestly so grateful for him he didnt even go bc he was busy and we planned it the day before my birthday but it was literally me and two friends eating pizza at zizzis and im crying so much rn but year 12 was when i found people who genuinely cared about me

we established a group of like 8 lol and were planning a holiday for the end of year 13! very skam of us! we had a gc and everything! we were gonna go to spain bc im spanish so i could speak!

this trip was unspoken of in year 13 and i was like lol kinda weird um okay but nope nothing weird about it they just created a chat without me and were still going to spain!!! one of them even sent me screenshots of their airbnb to translate its like u want me to know lol

i did complain to one of them but thats it i was just hurt on my own and coronavirus happened so it got cancelled anyways so i won really

in yr 13 i also got closer to this boy called adam! i remember my friend was like you two would get on so well idk why ur not friends and i was like idk its adam lol do i really want to and yes i did bc he is in fact the isak to my sana! but anyways i hate him but i love him we have that kinda friendship where were alwAYS trying to beat the other one up and honestly the most heart felt goodbye when schools shut was between us both bc at first we were fighting and then he just stopped and his eyes softened and i was like whats wrong with you why arent u punching me and he went come here and we hugged and its like wow despite being a dick ill miss you

anyways so uhhh quarantine we skyped often it was fun and then restrictions were lifted i went to spain and the second i land they all stop talking in the gc????? like im abroad not dead why are u creating a new one??? this gc was agressively spammed so i know for a fact theres another im not stupid

i come back from spain and theyre like can we meet!!! we meet three weeks later and theyr like i missed u so much im so happy uou came i love you and it felt really genuine like they genuinely missed me

two days later i find out through snapchat theyve all gone on holiday together!!!!!!!!!!!!! all of them and just ofc didnt invite me they went to the beach for two days and kept posting about it and im so bitter about it like bro???????? why so secretive????? like i cried so much when i saw bc they still just idk why does every single friendgroup ive ever been in exclude me like i must be the problem theres no other explanation for it i am not the kind of person people want to have around i am so funny but im a bitch and will come for ur ass because i have the inability to lie i have no filter either which i know makes them dislike me i know it does but thats the price you oay for being my friend i just say things as it is becauxe i hate secrets bc secrets are always about excluding me so i rather be honest and upfront but that clearly puts people off bc im too upfront and im not getting a personality transplant im not tryna be boring but im so sick of always being the one on her own

adam was relevant uh hews my only friend rn he checked up on me the other day so cheers adam for making sure im not completely isolated

the funny thing is that all my friends hate adam bc “hes a dick” hes not he just says things how it is were so similar so if they hate adam they hate me and im over being hated lol bye!

i start uni next week and i clearly have no social skills so im not gonna make friends im so scared of being lonely i hate being left out

this went from sad to full on angry like i was crying at some point and now im fuming like im so hot rn my blood pressure isnt doing okay

[like-twilight]

My 100 most listened to songs this year (that are on Spotify) :3

Ateez: Twilight (not even surprised there, its my favourite song ever)

Ateez: Wave (even though I’m an Illusion type of gal Illusion is usually for when i feel good, and Wave is when I want to feel better and keep my spirits up at work so. hence)

Ateez: Say My Name (she’s perfect)

Ateez: Illusion (AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE)

Ateez: Aurora (shut up its hONGJOONG’S SONG)

Ateez: Hala Hala (DEEP IN MY HEART, DEEP IN MY SOUL)

BTS: Boy With Luv (lies and deceit, this is NOT my most listened to BTS track, last.fm can back me up)

BTS: Dionysus (SHE WAS MY MOST PLAYED BTS TRACK AND thats the periodt on that tea i just aged fifty years)

Ateez: Utopia (WE CAN TOUCH UTOPIA WE CAN REACH THERE UTOPIA)

Ateez: Dancing Like Butterfly Wings (WHOUOOAH WHWOAUHAIFD)

Ateez: Pirate King (for the hundredth time, Hongjoong, i WILL be your friend)

BTS: Make It Right (no)

Seventeen: HIT (listen………………………………………….. shouldve been the title track)

TxT: Crown (i am so happy my most listened to txt track isnt….. something else…. *gulps* good job, hatchlings. and when will i stop calling you hatchlings? NEVER)

Ateez: Sunrise (HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHONGJOONG’S SONG - listen this song is cheesy and im absolutely in love with it. i want. joy. my heart Seeks it, i cant help it)

BTS: Mikrokosmos (like i said fuck joy)

Taemin: Stone Heart (im being called out for being a sad thot. or a horny emo. idk)

GentleBeatz: Cold Night (pls im crying)

ATEEZ: Precious (MINGIIIIYYAAAAAHHHHH. fuck it up, son)

BTS: Home (im exhauussted man. guess wat. i jus wanna go home. ME TOO, namjoon)

Day6: Beautiful Feeling (its the tragedy of my life that there are no caps in hangul. this is truly. the most beautiful song and it brings me so much happiness. and dowoon. it brings me so much dowoon.)

Seventeen: CLAP (*vibrating at a frequency that could shatter glass* bbbBAkKKSSsUUUuu)

Sunmi: LaLaLay (this is why i think this list definitely has a limit on how many songs you can have from an artist on this list because LaLaLay is like my fiftieth most-listened to this year according to last.fm and has a lot of BTS and Seventeen and more ATEEZ before it so idk. anyway sunmi good, release a minialbum pleaaaase?)

BTS: Jamais Vu (its jins song :<)

Ateez: Crescent (*closes eyes* nO)

Day6: Like That Sun (BOIIII day6 really is something else)

Seventeen: Home (honestly? i cry. awh i cant believe this year started with seventeen, it was so so so so nice to become a carat x””””) and this song, man… warmth ♥)

BTS: Intro: Persona (WHO THE HELL AM I)

Ateez: Treasure (hoOOOOBOI thank fuck i watched the dance practice that made me appreciate this song better x””))

Taemin: Want (quote from myself: “I’m not sure about the song but Taemin is a really beautiful man” oKAY)

Seventeen: Our Dawn Is Hotter Than Day (my actual favourite svt song :”””) its. peace ♥)

Lauv: I’m So Tired (bitch i am)

Ateez: Promise (NO ONE TAAAKE YOOUUUUU DOOOOOOOWN)

NCT Dream: Boom (what are these foetuses doing here lmao)

BTS: I Need U (whats THIS motherfucker doing here x”) fuck off)

BSS: Just Do It (the Only Song)

Ateez: My Way (this Hongjoong rap……. i swear, my LIFE)

Seventeen: Boomboom (the LEAST LIKED SVT TITLE TRACK??!?! kiSS MY BUTT)

BTS: Mic Drop (u kno, the steve aoki one)

……………. TxT: Cat & Dog (listen…… its Yeonjun’s rap, i swear! IM INNOCENT!!!)

Ateez: Stay (me: its the Wanted intro song! x”””))

Seventeen: Don’t Wanna Cry (ulgo shipji anha bitch)

BTS: Blood Sweat & Tears (last year’s most listened………. still as horny as ever)

NCT 127: Superhuman (they do have a lot of songs that i love but i feel like this is the song?! like The Song?!?!? The Comeback? its just so well put together and i love LOVE the choreo. doyoung ate the vocals)

Ateez: Desire (another song i really didnt appreciate in the beginning but. I changed my ways, i promise, tHAT OUTROOOOOO)

Stray Kids: Miroh (fine, fINE THEY GOT ME WITH THIS ONE)

Seventeen: Lie Again (bitch. also i realised my favourite line isnt even said by mingyu its said by mr. scoops. anyway im in pain)

BTS: Anpanman (i still cant believe how Actually good this song is x”””))

Ateez: Wonderland (you know for a song that was only released two months ago! only one of which was measured by spotify, its p good! gAJAAAAA)

Taemin: Sexuality (that one perf. you know the one. yeah.)

Apink: 응응 (this was released in JANUARY and its still one of the best songs this year)

 BTS: Trivia: Seesaw (he has a CHOREO)

Ateez: Light (yuNHO’S SONG)

Seventeen: Getting Closer (fuck them haters, this is the most well-put together svt song that exists fight me about it)

Shinee: Symptoms (this song is Beautiful, i remember going through shinee’s discography and being FLOORED)

BTS: Go Go (yoloyoloyoloyo)

Ateez: WIN (AAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEE)

Seventeen: Bring It (Hoshi: imma kill everyone in this mofakin house)

Taemin: Artistic Groove (”oh i dont like this song that much” she said “Im a fucking LIAR” she said)

BTS: Pied Piper (why nOT DIMPLE)

Ateez: Mist (WOOYOUNG’S SONG)

Seventeen: If I (The Hip Hop Unit Song)

Taemin: Move (its Her)

BTS: Epiphany (:< lovely jin ♥ i remember getting into bts and deciding to bias jin Immediately and then five days later this bitch drops you ain ever seen an emotional rollercoaster like that)

Ateez: Thank U (dude when yunho and yeosang go hAL MARI ISSEO and the jongho goes nEOL SAENGGAKHAMYEON BYE)

Seventeen: Moonwalker (this is so random x”) WHY NOT ROCKET since i have to be tormented by my sins anyway)

Taemin: Shadow (fair, fair, this was my favourite from this album for a long time)

Trivia: Love (nae sarang sarang sarang) 

Ateez: Dazzling Light (CHOREO!??!?!)

Seventeen: No F.U.N. (this is such a random selection of svt songs spotify put in here x”””))

Taemin: my current fave from this album :””))

NCT 127: Touch (BITCH IM SO SOFT FOR THIS SONG ITS SO CUTE)

Ateez: With U (cOFFEE SHOP MUSIC)

BTS: Begin (why this. i dont even like jk)

Block B: Very Good - Rough Ver. (of course this is on here x”””) LETS GO)

Day6: Sing Me (that one live did it for me where jae just Goes Missing and then he’s in the middle of the crowd suddenly yes very good)

Ateez: If Without You (little known fact the OOOOH and WhoOOOAOaa sound effects in the background are all Me)

Taemin: Danger (neolhumchyeogayohumchyeogayo)

BTS: Dimple (finally! anyway this choreo was a mistake)

NCT 127: Simon Says (”i dont like this song that much” sHE LIED AGAIN)

Ateez: Beginning of the End (why lmao)

Day6: Somehow (ahhh this used to be my ultimate favourite day6 song and its still v close to the top ahahhHfdjhkéfdosdjágf I love IT)

Seventeen: Hug :<

Oneus: 가자 (GIVE ONEUS THEIR WELL-DESERVED WIN THEY HAD THREE KILLER TITLE TRACKS THIS YEAR THEYRE AMAZING)

NCT U: Boss (jungooooo ♥♥)

BTS: Reflection (Kim Namjoon Made Me Cry In Public????!!?!)

Seventeen: Highlight (get. out. of. my. sight.)

Bastille: Bad Decisions (is…. is this the first (and possibly only…) non k-pop song on this list,!??! hahAhfddéjfdk)

Day6: Shoot Me (DEI SIKSEU DEI SIKSEU WHOOOOOOOOOO that was the fanchant)

Steve Aoki (feat. two random people): Waste It On Me (kim namjoon stop telling me to eat you)

Seventeen: Oh My! (ah when i used to listen to this every morning to give me Good Mood)

Oneus: Twilight (taEYANGI TTEOREOJINDA)

Taemin: Thirsty (same)

Editors: Barricades (oh good, save me, tom, sAVE ME. this song is actually amazing. i love uhhhhh uUUUHHHH frankenstein and the other new ones (i know their titles) but this one is just up there too ♥♥)

Seventeen: Good to Me (and then mingyu outthotted everyone and the world exploded, the end)

Day6: 121U (the song that first got stuck with me!)

Baekhyun: UN Village (this is so random but i mean i wont lie.)

The Boyz: Bloom Bloom (im so happy this is on here. these guyz deserve so much more love and recognition ♥♥ both bloom bloom and ddd are amazing and. theyve had a year)

Seventeen: Very Nice (you could say this song is… aju nice ;-))

Momomeme: Gogobebe (oh does this mean i can be bisexual? since theres a gg on this list? PLEEEEEEASE)

[batgirl-87]

So @mdeenise “challenged” me to answer all of the questions from this Hogwarts Mystery Asks: MC. I’ve already answered some (can check ‘asks’ or ‘ask game’ tags, I’ll also link them in my Masterlist) so I’ll answer the rest I haven’t been asked yet here because

1. What is their whole name? 

Nereida Adelyn-Keira LaFontaine Black

5. How is there relationship with Jacob?

Keira and Jacob were very close - it was them against the world! They’re very protective of one another, they can get/have gotten into a lot of trouble together, both with a rebellious, mischievous streak; but they are also siblings so there’s teasing, embarrassing each other, lots of physical ‘play fighting’ - they’re very much like I can be mean to my sibling but if you’re mean to them I’ll hurt you. Clearly when he ‘disappeared’ it was devastating for Keira and she felt completely alone. 

6. How is their relationship with their parents?

Both Keira and Jacob loved their mom who was their primary caregiver. Keira honestly doesn’t really remember her dad much but Jacob hates him. She has a vague recollection of him and Regulus and Sirius, a bit better memory of Sirius who kept in contact with her and Jacob even after they moved to Canada, possibly to spite his parents but Keira thinks he actually cares about his younger half-siblings even if it was something that started out from spite or curiosity. 

When their mom died of course Jacob and Keira were very sad over their loss. They were then taken in by their mom’s close friends and moved to Canada from Ireland and while there was an adjustment period they both appreciate the care they provided, and while Jacob and Keira didn’t exactly feel like they belong in this ‘family’ their mom’s friends were great parental figures and they do care about them and appreciate everything they’ve done for them. Their dad was nonexistent in their lives after the passing of their mom (he passed soon after the next year, after the death of Regulus) but when they arrived in the UK to attend Hogwarts they did find savings left for them from their dad in Gringotts (safe to assume without his wife’s knowledge). 

So both love their mom and ‘adopted’ parents (unofficially adopted =p) and while Jacob hates their dad and views him as a manipulative, selfish, neglectful arse, Keira is pretty neutral and apathetic about her dad since she doesn’t really remember him all that well. But she appreciates the money! =p 

8. How’s their relationship with their family?

Ahahahahahaha - I’m cackling =p

Unfortunately, the family on Keira and Jacob’s mom’s side are all pretty much passed or they have no idea who they are =p Their mom and mom’s parents are passed and their mom had no siblings since her mom died relatively soon after her birth (undines...) As stated before, Jacob and Keira appreciate and care very much for their mom’s friends who took them in after her passing, although a bit of awkwardness since it’s not ‘really’ their family...

As for the Black side of their family *more cackling* Orion seemed much more interested in their mom than them and didn’t seem to want much to do with them, at least according to Jacob. Walburga hates them and this whole situation, of course! With good reason! She honestly probably would of had them killed. She focused most of her energy on ensuring this scandal did not get out into the public and was probably very relieved when they moved across the pond. Of course when Jacob returned to attend Hogwarts he was done living this lie and didn’t care who it upset and went by his Black family name, encouraging his sister to do the same - this family would not win! Walburga could try to deny it all she wanted but a paternity test (which I’ve done some research on Wizarding World paternity tests and some interesting ideas came up!) just proved it.

Despite this, Walburga and the rest of the Black family continued to ignore their entire existence. Andromeda may have been left out of the loop considering she was disowned from the family as well but when Keira and Tonks realized they were both related to Bellatrix Lestrange, and therefore related themselves, Keira was so happy to be accepted by some members of the Black family. Sirius also was accepting of his younger half-siblings and stayed in contact with them even after they moved to Canada. He may have only gone to see them at first out of curiosity and then continued to visit and communicate with them out of spite to his parents but he probably did care about them and enjoyed them more than Regulus because they weren’t brought up in a pureblood elitist household. Probably wished their mom was his mom which would just upset Walburga. And if Walburga didn’t hate them before, after she passed, Keira, now more spiteful and daring with everything that has happened, moved into the now empty (well except for Kreacher) 12 Grimmauld Place which would just piss Walburga off! How she convinced Remus, no idea - basically she was like I’m doing this and Remus had to go along with it =p

Wait, is Kreacher family? Keira and Kreacher argue a lot and she will not stand for him being mean to Remus or any of her friends and will threaten to kick him out although it’s an empty threat because she wouldn’t actually kick him out and make him homeless! Kreacher of course thinks she’s invading some place that does not belong to her but because she is a Black she sort of does belong there and while not related to his previous Walburga, she is to Orion so he has to put up with her =p They eventually reach an understanding. Kreacher is free to stay there and does not have to do any chores or cleaning up after her or Remus, as long as he’s nice... or just stays away from her friends and Remus. 

I’m not sure how Regulus felt about them, maybe neutral? I think discovering his dad’s affair would be a shock to him, he might be curious as well to meet them and I like to think did meet them at least once, possibly while their mom was passing (like Orion went to see her and Sirius and Regulus decided to go as well because, hey, it is their younger siblings whether they like it or not and it’s a hard thing to go through) but I think he was more worried and concerned about Death Eater affairs and tricking Voldemort =p

So while Keira is close with Tonks, and probably her parents as well, and both Keira and Jacob are accepted by Sirius, and maybe even Regulus, who knows =p, most of the Black family still pretends they don’t exist. Although I like to think Keira later bonds with Draco and they become close and overall these next generations are going to be better. And while Bellatrix may refuse to acknowledge Keira’s relationship to her, deep down she actually really likes Keira because she’s a strong, tough bitch who isn’t afraid of her and would have killed Dumbledore without even being a Death Eater if asked =p Seriously, Keira knows she’s actually Bella’s favorite. 

(This also pretty much works for my original HP OC bio where she was Sirius’ daughter because besides Tonks, Andromeda, and Ted, the rest of the Black family wouldn’t really acknowledge her existence either)

Does Remus count as family? Of course he does, he’s “Uncle Remus!” =p Remus and Keira had an instant bond, they are incredibly close - I like to think of it as two people who felt completely alone in the world found each other and now they were not longer alone. Keira is very much like Sirius, and Jacob can be very much like James actually, so it was actually nice for Remus to be around them if not bittersweet. I actually have a post about Keira and Remus’ relationship so I won’t say too much more besides they are very close and Keira is suuuuper protective over him.

9. Do they have any other siblings?

Sirius and Regulus Black

11. Do they have pets?

Keira has a Siamese cat and Jacob had a Barred Owl named Archimedes which I guess is hers now too? Jacob also wanted a dog or crup but then went to school so their ‘adoptive’ parents are taking care of it =p

14. Any crushes?

Charlie Weasley.

She won’t outright admit it but it’s obvious to everyone else besides Charlie. Wasn’t even aware of it herself for quite awhile! =p But fortunately she plays it pretty cool and isn’t a stuttering mess around him so maybe he has no idea she likes him because she’s so chill and nonchalant about it. Although she can be flirtatious but she can be like that with a lot of people =p (She’s related to Sirius she can’t help it! =p)

16. Have they ever dated someone before (Either back at their home or at Hogwarts)?

Rumour has it during her summer before Sixth Year, where she spent most of it in Canada, and going into Sixth Year she was dating someone. Has not been confirmed nor denied. 😜

(I think that’s all of them? Wasn't that much actually, I expected more =p But I still wrote a lot more than intended so sorry about that! Hope I explained things well enough! If anyone has any questions or want to talk about MC’s more hit me up! Thanks for your challenge! 😉💙)

[ramblingshit]

Jane Eyre - 1996 - 2/5

what even is acting. what even is a script.

wasn't gonna do this one but fuck it's aunt petunia and rogue. here we go.

lots of credits fairo. more credits. damn fukin eh - i hear you're a wicked child! lol hi. now we're talking about hell and where bad people go. 'keep well and not die' ahaha m8. fkn reed putting seed in that she's a liar. teach her at her prospects, don't let her come back, she's a lying little shit take her away from here. he's appropriately scary oh shit she's saying this in front of the priest. damn tear that lady a new one. unruly, obstinate, wicked, deceitful, man these people hate kids who act out. walks in and damn she's on teh stool already - IS THAT THE LADY FROM PERSUASION. damn she just got here and he's telling everyone to not trust her, she doesn't get to eat and has to stand - she's just done hours of travelling fuckin assholes. IT IS THE LADY FROM PERSUASION. shes got dark hair and dark eyes and shes like glaring at everyone like shes onna kill him in their sleep. lol enjoy helen while she's alive. eatin bread and cheese in bed like she's not gonna get crumbs. omg telling these kids how to stand properly what why this lady hate her she's gonna cane her for not washing her hands. bish doesn't even flinch go helen. 'cleanliness is next to godliness' alright crazy. this school is a lot more chill than most of the others - they're laughing and doing what they want as well as learning and playing games. making jane out to be a pro artist. oh no ol mate saw her with her hair out. no dont cut it. 'vanity?' shes out here with naturally long, red and curly hair and he's out here calling her vain? because he recognises it as lovely she must be vain about it? what a fkn dickhole get off your high horse sexist moron pig anus head. what. he's saying her naturally  iwgh what i don't even understand his shit - it isn't offending him thats the issue its her naturally occuring sin and vanity (because her hair exists?) that is the issue??  what. lol go Jane. NO. oh fuck go Jane go. this guyyyy. don't do it Jane. chin held high she only does it when Helen nods at her to. DAAAAAAAAMN. took of her own bonnet. if Helen's hair goes so does Janes. they stood together looked at each other and flipped their heads over for him to go snip snip, bish looked shock and actually stepped back in horror. What a bae. Helen's fkn dying send help. fuck this lady should not be working with children considering how much she hates children. o shit where's helen. her beds all rolled up. can hear her hacking away in the distance. yikes that sounds bad. jane be creepin. oh fuck she's a terrible actress even as a kid. who honestly thinks its a good idea to hire her. she lying in her dying friend's bed and she's breathing all over her. isn't anna paquin australian? no? ah new zealand fairo. oh fuck Helen's daed. she's trying to squeeze out tears ahah oh no. she can't manage it. anna go back to new zealand you suck at acting who hired you ever. Riparoonies helen. that was actually the greatest jane and helen moment i've seen tbh. oh damn cool transition as she walked from helen's grave - she went from kid to adult. whats this part down the midde all of them got. Miss Temple fam, persuasion lady, fantastic lady, crying as Jane leaves like her mumma. this jane is long-flat-faced with a long protruding jaw, and very tall and skinny. thornfield looks like its already burned down ahaha. straight up castle here. she's got her drawing stuff as well as her bag. nice friendly ol mate meets her and opens the gates - big ass square this is some game of thrones shit yearh this place is like medieval more than victorian. the middle parted hair and the curled twists behind her head they're pretty much exactly the same in most Janes. all chillin and chatting about this together rather than completely separate. adele actually legit sounds french rather than just pretending? noice. dreary, cold, dark halls. her room is bright and airy with a four-poster bed and bay windows and lots of very nice furniture. river runs beside it; enormous tapestries; main gallery with lots of furniture and paintings and sculpures all covered in sheets with windows open to let in light; the doors are very large and heavy. Janes got a very long neck she looks legit like a fkn swan lmao. ooh a rochester backstory. well-travelled, intelliegent, can't tell if he's talking in jest or in earnest, or if he is pleased or irritated, not a happy man. they're just walking about in his rooms. the sun shines bright but cannot reach them through the thick mist. they're very soft-spoken. god her head is so far forward she's like the alien - long ass neck stretching forward and then her chin and jaw stretching wayyyy forward. wack wack anatomy.  it's very dark and dreary. she's off for a walk leaving adele to do like 5 sums. oh she's been here five minutes and they're already meeting. the music is like ... not appropriately intense? he just sorta looked at her, the horse tripped over and then he was on the floor and she's like whoops uh you alright bro. he's outright lying and pretending that he's not rochester his hair is grotty he's got like no hair on top they've just tries to scraggle it. this is so stunted and awkward. i hope it gets better. he's very gentle and she's pretty nonexistent to far. my god very gentle man. what. is he even rochester? that's a german shepherd. noice. playin chess by himself by the fire lol. this movie would be made infinitely better by an actual soundtrack. they're all chilling together again it's interesting - adele and fairfax and rochester and jane. wait she's been here 4 months. it literally didn't show anything about her chilling here. she talked back and now he's grumpy lol. what a terrible start compared to like... every other first convo. isn't she supposed to be not great at piano and yet she's teaching adele -- wait now we're at another convo between the duo. this convo is the other half of --- wait now we're talking sketches? jesus she hmm what are they talking about she's being forward and fuck her chin twists forward as she speaks she kinda looks like the wicked witch of the west. he's judging her drawings like he can do better. this is a mess? the best part about this so far is adele.  there's no sense of time. adele is gorgeous honestly. she's pale and gaunt with bags beneath her eyes. wait here's the next part of the conversation. blunt and brusque replies from her. god they're so obviously acting its painful. they have no chemistry because the CONVERSATION IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. they've done it on pruspose to try stretch things out a bit but like plz EY why he scrunch up the drawing wtf. 'and remember the shadows are as important as the light'. dudes. these are private conversations? it would be alright to try it more naturally but they're just not the kind of things you casually say. it's impersonal and there's no intimacy. sit there and watch a kid dance to the sound of a music box. he's so grumpy looking. now snapping at the kid. he's annoying. like a violent dude he feels more like a nice guy quick to snap - definitely kinda unhinged. and now drunk. hmm i don't like it. she told him not to be mean to adele and he rages about her mother, 'you've made adele feel unwanted and unloved' damn this Jane goes for the throat. she's too good for him I can see it now m8. he's a psycho run. red flag red flag. don't like it. lol he wake up like huh.... oh look beds on fire... huh... well suppose i should sort it out... huh... fuck they're barely acting huh. do they even want to be here. how much are these guys getting paid. he's literally a drunk. and has she had a drink in her life? she just went for it? omg so impersonal - isn't he supposed to be already half in love with her by this point? camera angle just flicks forward and back as the conversation goes on and when theres action it just pans back to the widest shot ever lol just show the entire scene why give any emphasis or focus to anything who needs reaction shots and feelings of being in it rather than observing it. fkn ey. he's literally just an angry blitering brooding drunk yikes. he's staring at her tits? these conversations man... he definitely just said jade instead of jane. m8 don't tell me he didn't. there's more intimacy between all the servants and jane and feeling more like an actual squad living together than there is any feeling between rochester and jane. adeles got a frog lol cute. 'you're a fool,' jane tells her reflection. this music is so shit it's bringing everything down. rochester, who's been an unfeeling ass the whole time, holds her hand once and now she's got a big crush on him. she's very spirited - to the point where she could too easily be cruel. like it's not just a repressed forcefulness it's like a hidden rage. can see her going mad and chopping someone up with icy rage and poised pleasure. wonder if i'm in a mood and interpreting this wrong? but honestly. dancing rochester now? instead of singing. adele is glaring at Mrs Ingram who just insulted jane lolol go kid she's definitely the best part. the background people actually make this place feel alive and natural, completely unlike their FUCKING AWFUL conversations. jesus what. god could you have two people less interested in each other? i think this fairfax knows about bertha. there's a 'tapestry bedroom'? lol what does that mean. they're dancing, playing cards, piano, the lot. oh the walls are literally covered in tapestries, that's creepy af. theres so much blood my dude would be dead yo. will hurt like doesn't know how to act. wwait theyve skipped my 'fav scene'?? theyre shaking hands again, wtf is this. wait what shes just met stjohn n he;s the one telling her all about the reeds? petunias dying 'love me then or hate me as you will - you have my full and free forgiveness' - i cant forgive any version that misses that out: its so powerful as part of her character. stalking her while he smokes in the dark what a creeper. 'how cuold you be so stupid!' lol fight him Jane i dont even know how we got to kissing likr the movie is almost 2 hours and yet it feels SO rushed. literally took away all the secret courting and his sneaky declarations. shes a modern woman trapped in an old age.  she is so skinny. and with entirely stiff expressions. ew he makes me so uncomfortable. theyre not even trying lol. acting ey acting have u heard of it. just left jane at the altar like bye bitch.shes just in a giant empty ugly room. bertha is a very young and frightened girl but also very sick in the typical long white dress and long dark hair. god this guy is a whingebum. bertha understands everything he's saying. oh yikes lol she just whipped a log from the fire and went after Jane and Jane just put her veil back down with like a sigh turned and yeeted slowly away long ass veil over a white bonnet, silk cape thing in a dark hallway walking all miserable. she's outies lol he's just let her walk out? i love u and i love u. bye. bertha's taken another log from the fire and lit the wedding dress on fire along with the house ahaha. wait he let her leave the house then ran after her on horseback but had to stop after bertha lit the place on fire it started burning and we're actually seeing it happen? interesting. the house is burning, pepople are running, bertha's on the battlements and rochester is going up there to --oh fuck grace poole got yeeted over by bertha oh she's flying ahahaha jumped down to where she threw grace poole. rochesters in the fire. jane's off and racing. it's all happened at once. she went to stjohns, didn't even get dumped in teh marshes but down she goes after chilling in a coach for 3 days. shes been there a month. her jaw is so long and forward its creepy. again one fo the few telling her that she's wealthy from inheritance from her uncle. more backstory. she was deeply loved by her parents, now she's wealthy, lifes looking up but she's all upset after than asshole lol move on and be happy. she's hearing his voice on the wind like please chill. damn 6months. what. um. he's very awkwardly trying to propose? but its like the last half of the conversation with the first bit just cut out. so weird. she looks normal face-on. oh she decides after the proposal to go back - none of that chasing after voices nonsense. whoops that shit burned downnn. doggoooo is still alive. what a good boy. fuck me there's like no anticipation, no intensity, no build-up, no chemistry, it's so dry and cold and heartless. christ acting. act. acting. act. please. act. what is happening. act. she has the neck of a swan ol mate. fucking gross. their words are stilted, and not romantic in the slightest and especially not in their delivery. theyre walking with no kids but the dog but they're talking about the kids. oh my god. that was pretty fkn awful. like seriously not good.

[survivor-ingary]

Episode 3 - "RIP tribe Jenkins we were too powerful" - Riley

The 3 tribes of Pendragon, Hatter, and Jenkins have been reorganized and condensed into 2 new Hatter and Pendragon Tribes. Tribal immunity is Scavenger Hunt.

The fact I have Brayden and Toph in my merged tribe boosts my serotonin. i have a feeling colin may be someone to keep an eye out for in the future now...

RIP tribe Jenkins we were too powerful. I guess we'll see how Pendragon pans out.

yall doin me dirty putting me with brayden i just hope that by some miracle me him anastasia and ellie can work together? like i still dont know if theyre plotting on my ass vdshibshj i know brayden told anastasia to take me out when this game started oop but lemme see if dis works. i hope riley follows the logic of the old tribe sticking together and thatll be 5 votes. im kinda obsessed with toph like since the beginning of the game he looks like someone i could totally play with so def wanna work on that relationship. ava and nya? i believe? lets say hello and work on those relationships as well. dis is a bit overwhelming but we shall see how it goes

uh... well... i am SCREWED. me and ginny were the only ones separated from the Jenkins tribe... RIP. 4 pendragons, 2 hatters, and 2 jenkins... the main things i see here are pendragon yoinking one of the hatters / jenkins and voting the other off... OR a 4-4 tie... OR they're gonna target one of me or ginny cuz none of us have gone to tribal council yet. this is really dicey, and I need to tread very, very carefully from hereon. (ALSO GINNY BARELY TALKS PLS I NEED YOUR HELP GIRL)

This swap actually turned out pretty amazing for me. I still have Keith and Moth who I worked semi-close with in the pre-swap. Additionally, I've met up with Colin and Babs. A little Raffy magic could keep me very safe on this tribe. I think Kenneth is super fun as he is a newbie AND active. He will definitely make it far in this game. I hope, at the very least, that I can be by his side to make that happen. However, I am wary he might just be making these strong social connections with everyone. As a final note, OG Pendragons have this tribe 4 to 8. That's both good and bad. Good because we have numbers. Bad because that may make people target me very early on just for being a part of it. So, I have decided that if I were to throw any of my OG Pendragons to the wolves it would be Jonathan as I haven't been able to connect with them as well as Keith and Moth. Other than that, I hope this tribe doesn't have to go to tribal all that often between now and the next swap/merge. These people are lovely.

I'm getting a bad feeling about this... Since most of my Jenkins tribemates are on the other tribe, I KNOW they're good cuz we just keep getting W's... so I think there is a good chance we might lose the challenge. I contributed a good amount, so I hope that the target won't be on me if ever we lose the challenge :( I really don't wanna go, and I wanna reunite with Dennis/Ellie and maybe Anastasia and get further in the game.

i worked hard on this confessional

Our tribe did our absolute best in this challenge. I have no idea who is getting targeted if we go to tribal as everyone is so quiet. All I know is that I want to keep Colin, Kenneth, and Keith close to me for this stage of the game. They are the only ones who consistently talk to me. Challenge results: Pendragon wins due to a 10% advantage, Hatter Tribe must go to tribal council the following day.

THANK GOD I FINALLY GET TO GO TO A TRIBAL, ITS BEEN TOO LONG!!!!

Look, before you go to tribal with a group of people it feels like there’s a barrier of game socialization because you haven’t been able to go to tribal with them. But leading up to tribal and after it, a whole new can of worms is available for game talk. Unfortunately it’s an extremely simple vote because Nya has ghosted all of us, but at least we still get to go to tribal so I can talk game with more people even if it’s only a small amount with this easy vote. But who knows, someone might decide to switch shit up!

And also I absolutely love this tribe (Minus Nya cause I haven’t met them) so I’m glad that I get to go forward with this group although I won’t be nearly as happy if we go to tribal again because as I said, I do enjoy this group of people a lot

Moth (Tumblr will only allow me 10 images so player banners stop now, whoops) I believe the only reason I will make it to the next round is because of Raffys advantage. I’d be so screwed otherwise

I like Babs. They got good vibes.

Also I’d kill to know how the other tribe reacted

Dennis in a perfect world i would try to not vote out nya but bdksksksoksks theyve done it to themselves. no need to make waves. unless someone else is secretly plotting on me i think this is about to be an easy tribal. damn one point. miss ellie had her name down on stuff that she didnt do. also overslept that first challenge is she purposey trying to sabotage and play the villain? who knowssss also ive broken my streak of never going to tribe tribal sigh

Toph So what’s happening, I can’t remember the last time I made a confession but the tea yall ?! Soooo the tribe swap happened and my gut was right soooo okay intuition work ! I feel like I really like everyone from the merge and nya as remained inactive since, after losing the challenge it seems like an easy vote but you can never be to safe, I have my little allinnce with Brayden and Ava which is wig and I really dig Ellie , Anastasia, and Dennis too, I’m gonna be so nervous if we have to go to tribal agian because it could be me ! I’m not to sure about Reilly but they seem nice ! I feel pretty good with Anastasia as well and feel we could rope her into an alliance easily, I’m just gonna due my best right now to play the middle, keep my head down and speak positively. I really need to find an idol or something even better just so I don’t have to worry as super much and just plain worry then lol. If anything I’m gonna stay loyal to brayden and Ava the most since there my day one homies. Brayden seems to be close with Anastasia which could definitely help in are favor of having the numbers on are side. But could mean he would easily cut me for her if needed, so that mean I need to get closer with Ava, just to gaurnetee my safety, I have to look out for me this game and only me, making sure the numbers are kn my side I’m constantly on the right side of the vote should help me strageticly float to the end and win my crown thank you very much. I’m also lowkey worried about alliance’s being made right now without me! Everyone seems to be online but my chats are a bit quite but this could be me overthinking things mmmhmm I’m not sure, we’ll anyways it was nice to vent to y’all. :)

Riley Nooooooo I can't believe we lost by just one point. Damn the Hatter tribe's secret bonus point boost >:(

Kenneth I am honestly in such a shock that we won that challenge... Raffy really came in clutch and helped us win AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Now I don't have to worry about being randomly blindsided or targeted for at least a couple more days now pls I just hope we get lucky again and another swap happens where I would be on the right side of the numbers, all prepared for merge domination >:) Raffy Oof. I know the other tribe is MAD because I would be too. Like, we only won because of my advantage giving us a 1 POINT LEAD. That's crazy! Honestly, this works for me as I can still focus o n making strong social connections within this tribe. By the time we go to tribal, I will be so integrated with this tribe that voting me out would do a lot more short-term harm than long-term good. I want to see if Kenneth would start an alliance with me as that is someone I want to work closely with. In this alliance? I have no idea. I'll probably let Kenneth take the lead on that since I want him to feel like he is in charge. Dennis nothing is real

if i go tonight i would applaud it bc i am so sure nya is going. it would be a goop if the vote really wasnt nya but everyone is more or less trying to do the easy thing i think. i just hope she is okay and just too busy for dis.

some time has gone by and im just chilling. im not chilling because i feel safe, im chilling because i dont know what else to do. i cant be all game talk 24/7 because then im an outcast and would get targeted. besides the obvi alliances like a+b and maybe(?!?!??) an e(?!) in there, idk what alliances there are. like there has to be something but i dont have the picture yet. as yall know im not in any alliances in my current tribe besides i guess ellie who i fear is a saboteur lol and most likely working with a+b. a+b are such a double edged sword for me ugh. am i really in their best interests???????????????? am i really in ellies best interest???? do they know about her idol too?????????? likeeeee thats the issue. if im not really in their best interests then im the next to go after nya. i am probs very low if not the lowest on this tribe if dats true. i mean what if i really am in their best interests and theyre all genuinely trying to work with me? idk! if not then im next to go efuhijdhvbf and i fear im probably not.

i really like toph. taurus sun (in the 12th!) gemini everything else king. hes got social game on lock like who wouldnt wanna work with him ?! and hes a cutie ?! ?! ?! but i seen the chart -.- i know what hes doin. i think hes working with ellie. but he reaches out to me and probably others but i like our conversations. (but im sure everyone loves their conversations with toph!! hes great!!!!! friendly ol toph wont harm a fly ?!) i hope he likes me and sees i actually would wanna work with him above all the gorls and chooses me over them too.

ava also knows what theyre doing. saturnian legend. we barely talk but little short bits here and there. i hope its bc theyre busy but im sure ellie is talking to them more than me amongst others too. oop also possible alliance, brayden toph ava who all swapped together. so gotta keep that in mind. but yeah i dont really think im much of their priority esp if theyre on vacay they would hear a name and not stress too much if its mine bc we dont have ties like that.

riley and i talk here and there, had a lil chat today

someone once told me that i just look like someone you cant trust but you can :( sometimes :)

so yeah here i am having lots of thoughts over the last few days.

maybe im not super super invested just yet bc i feel like the rug is gonna get swept out right from under me again :))) also back on my bs telling people im a leo moon. i shouldnt weaponize astrology but hey.

[8circles]

i finally got to see the national live!!

so after 6 years of falling in love with the national, i finally got to see them live yesterday!! this is gonna be super long lmao

since the national never come to my home country during tour, when they announced their tour i booked the tickets without even knowing whether i was returning to manchester or even the uk. so when i got my offer to return i was relieved af lmao. a once in a lifetime opportunity was worth the risk and anxious waiting LOL

anyway

seeing them live was like a whole new world for me. when bryce came out to perform with the opening act (who were very good!) i was so overwhelmed. this guy, part of the band i love so much, was right in front of my face!

(like literally, cause i ran in after getting my merch and managed to snag a place right at the barrier!)

ive watched tonnes of their live performances on video, but nothing prepared me for how great they were. since bryce was right in front of me i ended up paying most attention to him.. but then when hed play the piano aaron took his place and id end up paying attention to aaron... sorry matt, scott and bryan!!!!

of course matt is such a character that hed command your attention some way or another. i did make myself look at scott and bryan at points in time bc i love all of them! i found it super cute how scott and bryan (and at one point bryce) would hold like a shaker instrument and use it when theyre not playing their own instrument. its like theyre always gonna be involved somehow lmao.

at the beginning it felt a little detached compared to the bastille show i went to last year. but i dont blame them or think its bad, cause at bastille’s dan would stand close to the stage while matt prefers to hang about with the band. its just two different performers. it kind of made me think that i was watching the national perform in their own world.. until matt stopped midway through empire line and asked security to help someone.

at that point it kind of hit me that wow, actually we're in the same space! like im not actually watching them in their own world, like im there too! and theyre not in their own space either, theyre watching us too! and of course, how nice of matt to stop because someone wasnt okay 😭 he started all over again once he made sure they were okay. by the end he said "just some problems with dehydration. stay cool!"

and he threw a plastic pint across the theatre and i got some white wine on me. LOL. at another point he threw a red solo cup so hard i think it hit the opposite wall cause there was a super loud sound. then he went on to say "...one day..." during the last song he brought out a bottle of white wine or prosecco on stage but said he said couldn’t open it because it was corked and it was hard to open those on stage with his teeth(!!!) he asked for another bottle and smashed the corked one on the ground. i love drunk matt so much.

bryce is so interesting to watch tbh. he keeps changing guitars lmao. i got so excited every time he brought out the blue one, bc i had a super clear view of his bow hanging from his mic stand and i was like "vanderlyle?????"

in the end they didnt play it, but no matter! they played so many good songs that i cant complain. my jaw hit the floor when they played hard to find cause i wasnt expecting that at all! i kept saying "oh my god" when i heard the chords lmao. it was so beautiful. i remembered the interview where one of the twins said they think hard to find is one of the most beautiful songs theyve ever written. i felt so honoured that i could listen to it live! they also played this is the last time - my favourite off twfm! i think a lot of people in the theatre love that song too! we were all shouting “it takes a lot of pain to pick me up” together. 

of course they played standard classics too. it felt so good to sing along to bloodbuzz and i need my girl. i kind of expected they were gonna play england since it was their first show in england for this tour so when aaron started playing the chords i was super happy. mr november was the best in terms of crowd involvement, you could hear everyone shouting I WONT FUCK US OVER together. conversation 16, too.. everyone screaming "CAUSE IIIIMM EEEVILLLL" was so much fun. slow show and apartment story were so great live as well. singing “SO WORRY NOT ALL THINGS ARE WELL” was so wonderful. during fake empire the twins did the guitar thing as they always do. i was so happy! 

tbh when i was there i mostly felt out of place since most of the people there were white hipsters and they came with their friends/partners so i barely talked to anyone, but singing all the classics live made me forget all of that awkwardness.

the new album was good live too. carin at the liquor store is my fave off the album and it sounded so beautiful live. matt went one octave higher during turtleneck and he sounded so clear. i was actually so surprised at how clear and almost rasp-free he sounded! we shouted “great uncle valentine jester” during day i die, it was so great!  they dedicated apartment story and born to beg to a lady who took care of them while they were in manchester. the opening act luluc came out and sang with them during born to beg. it was beautiful and perfect! ive been falling in love more and more with born to beg with each listen, and the live performance really sealed the deal with how much i love it.

terrible love was the last song off the setlist and it’s my first favourite song from the national so listening to it live was like coming full circle of some sort. during that song (and mr. november) matt went out and leaned over the barriers so that people could reach out and hug him. during terrible love he was super close to me, but i was too scared to touch him cause so many people were clinging onto him already but he was literally right there! he also stood at the edge pretending to fall from the other side. a member of the audience hugged his knees to stop him from falling!

bryce kind of smiled at my general direction at one point when he was setting up his guitar. the girl next to me blew kisses at him, i wish i did or said something too, but honestly i just stood there and melted into a puddle. during fake empire bryce went to play the piano so aaron was on my side of the stage and he waved at my general direction when they finished. a double whammy! matt came over to our side of the stage during turtleneck and screamed the chorus at us. it was so surreal. waiting for two hours outside in the cold and rain was definitely worth the place right in the front.

of course i have a soft spot for the twins, so seeing them live was the best part of my night. bryce (and at some points aaron) being in front of me was a dream come true. it’s no doubt that bryce is fantastic at guitar, but hearing him live and actually picking up the way he plays with my own ears was really something else. not only his playing, but also how he was using all the different guitars and using the mics on them and all the different pedals - it was all like a work of genius. i didn’t really get to see aaron’s artistry since his stuff was on the opposite side of the stage and he played more piano (which was on his side of the stage) but i could clearly see him playing when matt stepped back and let the twins perform guitar together. i caught him smirking at bryce on multiple occasions. i ascended each time. 

it was obvious that bryce was the more shimmery, flashy player when it came to guitar, so i tried to distinguish their styles of piano too! maybe it’s just me, but i think aaron has a deeper sound and bryce has a sharper sound! maybe that’s why they take turns for specific songs. regardless, they were so great, playing together and separately. i admire them greatly since they have so many projects and interests and even though their musical interests differ, they end up intertwining. seeing them live really showed that tbh!

it was the best night of my life. i wish i could be going to today’s show as well, but unfortunately i don’t have the money for that! anyway, everything ive always dreamed of already came true when i managed to stand right in the front and watch the national in all their glory perform live. i never expected to be right in the front - literally at the barrier - but i was! and it was worth the two hour wait in the cold without any food (this was my fault for forgetting to eat before coming, but it was worth it tbh!). hopefully i’ll be able to go for another concert if possible because that was probably the best experience ive ever had.

[feraldavestrider]

Honestly it's really weird to think that Jade like... hangs out with Dave and Karkat. Did she just get over everything that happened?

TBH LIKE OK

i for one actually really enjoy jade being good friends with dave and karkat despite me being very notp abt them dating (that being either boy with her or as a poly ship esp) and i think it can have nice dynamics (like john) BUT

even though jade and karkat do kinda like... get over their issues a bit so they can get on with the game im not sure if its ever TRULY resolved... i cant remember if karkat ever sincerely apologized in a way that wasnt self-pitying and putting focus on himself rather than jade and if she forgave him (if anyone knows feel free to tell me dabs) and if that never happened then like... idk 

i suppose they could have had their little make-up after reaching earth c but i think theyd really have to rebuild a whole friendship as a lot of it was based on a single days worth of game-focused bickering and then some pre-game bullying (tbh i dont think thats what karkat intended it to be but like... to 12 and younger jade a bunch of strangers messaging her cruel things for years is kinda a Lot and i think of all the beta kids itd get to her the most) 

as for dave at least she did have a friendship with him pre-game but theyve both changed a LOT over the past three years, and jade had a pretty traumatic and lonely experience so i think she wouldnt get to earth c and just be !!! all better and happy and ready to hang out all the time

shed probably be super reclusive at first and like... probably super depressed too. i guess karkat would say his sorrys and then he and dave would probably spend time with her to try and help re acclimate her to being around ppl again (i say again like shes been around people often. post retcon jade is like... horrifically lonely. this girl grew up alone on an island and then met her internet friends for a day and then spent the next three years entirely isolated. Is She Okay)

ok sorry this kinda got off topic but im gonna keep all my rambling response bc yolo. but yea i agree after everything i think shed def need time just to get used to being dave n kks friend again (along w/ everyone else) FORGET abt romantic relationships. imo jade doesnt need a romantic relationship for a good few years like christ she just needs to sort out her life cause this girl yo... shes been kinda fucked

[jess-oh]

Reflection

Hello journal!

I did not reach the 10k steps today and fear I am falling behind my friends but I just gotta work harder and catch up tomorrow!

I started choreographing “My God is Powerful” earlier today while waiting for the bus and a bit while waiting for the train and I did feel a little self conscious bc I didn’t want people to think I was crazy but I think I did a pretty good job at keeping myself accountable and just trying not to think about what they thought. I thought about what moves to do to and from work as well! I think I got the majority of it done but there are a still a couple parts I’m a little cautious of that I’m not super happy with. I mostly need a replacement for “powerful” instead of just pointing up all the time. It feels a bit redundant. I’m thinking of doing something else during the verse so it isnt so repetitive? I gotta do some more research but I do want to try and get it done and record it for Jenny by tonight and then keep practicing it tomorrow while also starting on the next song. I want to have at least 2 songs done by Sunday. 3 if I really try. I don’t think I can get all 5 done and be confident in them all and plus, I only have an hour to teach anyway so assuming not every song is super easy to learn, this is going to take a while. I want to figure out how to best teach it to. I think I’m going to do it once fully through with the music and then divide and conquer. We’ll learn one verse/chorus at a time with no music, try just that portion with music, and continue to practice. And then we’ll move onto the next part and do just that portion. And then both pieces together. And continuously add on another piece, bit by bit. I’ve only ever tutored in intimate settings but never taught a class so I am a little nervous but I’m also excited too. While choreographing, I remembered how fun these songs were.

Because I’m really not that close with anyone on the guat team except maybe judy, ive been questioning if i was just delusional. but i was ready a couple old posts and it reminded me of our training days together. they were hard and i dont think we were super close but we definitely got along and i am really blessed that i got to serve with them. 

ive been doing a lot of reflecting too. especially on my commute back home from work today since my earbuds died. and im starting to process how things were my fault as well. i definitely had severe victim mentality before though i’d never admit it. and i did blame other people for my shortcomings a lot instead of looking at my own thought process and personality. i think i’ve said it was my fault too but never really ever took responsibility for it and i should have. i held people to unreasonably high expectations and was really harsh with my rule. probably because thats how i treated myself and i expected everyone to function at the same level when obviously, not everyone was created to be that way. i also thought about james since i had the hardest time getting along with him. i did have a crush on him in middle school and i do really wish i could just take ever saying anything back. and i did look to him a lot for approval our senior year. but i dont think it was bc i had a crush on him again. i think i was just so desperate for his approval bc if he accepted me, that meant everyone else could too. but why was i so afraid to talk to the guys anyway? theyre just people and as human as anyone else. i spent so long fearing that i was too loud or too passionate or praying too hard and it did really stunt my faith bc there was a fear of really letting go. i think sa-rang’s biggest issue is its emphasis on community which is a weird thing to say. bc community is definitely important. but i think it becomes toxic when community becomes more important than being real with God. I spent so long hearing people gossip, constantly, about such stupid things and as a result, I was so scared that there were saying the same things about me. But honestly, who am I to judge bc I gossip all the time too. As much as I hate to admit it, I do vent about other people and point out their flaws bc I’m insecure and it’s so stupid and I’ve made up countless excuses saying that it’s my only way to connect with other people bc thats all they talk about or how i cant tell the different b/w gossiping and venting when in reality, there is no line. it’s the same. i was just being a fool. whenever i vent, im venting to vent and not bc im seeking advice. im venting bc im angry and frustrated and want someone to listen. and thats why this journal is so important. i cant help that im angry sometimes so let me write them in my private journal here instead of spreading negative thoughts and emotions. let me process it and approach the problem with a clear head instead of acting out of rage and emotion. i have a lot of growing to do.

and ive been saying that i think i just need to be so confident in myself that nothing phases me and i no longer feel the need to fit in. but honestly, that fear that i wont fit in is still there and i still really want to. and im afraid that if i am unapologetically me, bc i grew up around people that were super churchgoers, my perspective is different and thus, people wont understand or agree with me. but i do think i would rather be myself and outcasted than trying so hard to fit in and outcasted. bc at the end of the day, the only person that matters is God. and so long as I am being true to Him, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or feels. If they judge me and ridicule me for pouring my heart out unto God then so be it. I will take it as a sign that I can’t grow spiritually there and leave. But I want to give them the chance. I hope I can influence them into being unafraid and just totally raw and honest. no longer dry. no longer stunted. just so in love with Christ and drowning in His grace. I want to lead by example. I know that God has called me to Lakeview and I’m glad and I think I have started making progress in people’s lives here. But I was also raised in Sa-Rang and I think that’s of some level of importance as well. 

I always feel bad whenever I see other people just being showered in love and praise bc I don’t get that from so many different people. And I know that it’s bc theyve done more than me but I think in adapting that mentality, I tried to reach out to more people for the sake of praise instead of just to genuinely give and serve. And I want to do that instead. i want to get to a place where I can so graciously and willingly and freely give out my time and effort and services without expecting any thanks in return. And honestly, I think I’ve gotten somewhere near there. And it’s a thankless job and definitely sucks but I just need to trust in God, knowing full well that He has seen my efforts and how hard I work and is so proud of me as a result. I always felt like the loose screw at Sa-Rang and always wondered if people were just pitying me whenever they did pay any attention to me. But when I talked to Judy, or Lauren, or even Loren, they seem to actually really like me for me. I’m replaceable, sure. But there’s no one quite like me. With my unique experiences and reactions and lifestyle and choices. I am the most me that will ever and as such, God has a very specific goal in mind for my life. And I am so excited to see what it is as He continues to unveil it to me. Really. I love God with all my heart and I know that I stumble in my faith sometimes and worry too much on what’s currently in front of me but He is undoubtedly real as He is shown me time and time again. Nothing will ever bring me such immediate peace as He has given me. Nothing will ever feel like His heart and love for His children, in such unbearable pain. I felt it. It was so heavy but He is so unashamed of His children and really loves each of them so dearly and so very much. And I’m hoping to continue to spread that message to anyone who needs to hear it.

[imanameture]

I think I am going to kill myself

This seems like the best place to leave it. nobody follows me here so nobody will try and stop me. It is friday, october 6th 2017 at 1:16 PM. and i think im going to kill myself.... hopefully today. hopefully before my roommate gets back. I might attempt to hide myself... just, go someplace else. 

im tired of trying to talk to people, therapy is only making it worse. i think i would just rather die

now before someone tells me that its a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” might i remind you that in death... I wont care. i’ll be dead, I cant be missing life or regret what i did. If i am already dead.  I’ve wanted to for years

people just always insist on stopping me why though

everyone says all these great things about me but how many of them truly know me

how many of them know my favorite color or why i liked photography

who knows what it is that makes me a BAD person

people always try to convince me i’m good. 

im not good

I like to look at both sides of the spectrum

I like picking the bad guy

because i see why they did it, 

i can easily side with your standard disney villans, like scar and gaston (sort of, he was an arrogant dick i know, but so were most men back then and frankly most continue to be) 

I can remain neutral on things like mass shootings

I dont stand for hate crimes. that i cant do, people suck, we are all temporary, mortal, but honestly the same, we can be boiled down to the same basics, human beings, coming from different places results in variations in appearance and beliefs, culture, food, anything really...

i believe there are no good guys, or bad guys. people make choices based off of where theyve been and what theyve been through. and while it might not be whats good for you, it could be whats good for them. I mean really. out of everyone in this world. you’re probably thinking about whats best for you before you think of whats best for anyone else.

Which brings me back to my point

I think im going to kill myself

this is the decision that is best for me. 

In 19 years, I have never enjoyed confrontation, it makes me anxious, it makes me angry, it makes me scared and confused. I dont like it. I can not stand it.

So i never tell people whats going on thats bothering me or hurting me or impacting me negatively

I never told my parents that their constant punishing me for my grades, made having friends and a social life hard, I couldnt go to birthday parties or movies or the mall, because i struggled to get good grades. I couldnt do school, So i couldnt have many friends, that was fair, thats a productive punishment.

I never tell my boyfriend when his constant insecurity and bellyaching about things bothers me, Because i love him, I want to help him, i do, but i want him to remember that because we’re doing life together. it doesnt mean every aspect of our lives need to involve each other, I made plans with friends,you should too. I love him. and thats what makes doing this so hard, the one heart i cant bring myself to break is his. he only wanted to love and support me this whole time, he just wants to give me the life i dream of. he wants to give me the world. and i know he’s trying. and im so grateful that i got to spend these last four years with him. but i dont think i can do life any longer. I dont have the fighting spirit he fell in love with anymore. its not your fault, you did everything right. i just cant do it anymore. You are so deserving of love babe, you have so much to give, even if you cant see it. you do. thats what makes you a good friend, a good listener. an amazing boyfriend and an even better fiancé. Im sorry for taking me away from you, but someone who can love you better. who can make you happier will come around, she will give you the life you deserve. 

I wish my friends could help. but they tend to make it worse on me. I know i dont talk much, but please stop saying im secretive( that goes for you too family) Im not secretive. i just dont know how to address people about my problems. and when i bring it up, and you comment on how im finally talking. it makes me regret it instantly. I know i dont talk. I KNOW. but i dont need to be reminded of it, especially when im upset,

 Thanks uncle dad.we’re very similar, you told me that at least. But the days where i’d be upset and you’d just sit there with me while i laid in bed, quietly crying to myself. not saying much. just, existing there... it helped.

Since school started, i’ve been holding out, i havent done it yet, because my roommate was not ok after losing a friend earlier this year. and it sucked to watch her be like that. but i dont want to make myself suffer anymore, i’ve suffered in silence for so long, its unfair to me to have to stick around when i’ve already been so sad for at least 11 years. i dont want a lifetime of it

theres no guarantee that it’ll be a lifetime.

but honestly. theres also no guarantee that it wont. 

my friends have been going through their own things. i worry about them, and i love them, but honestly. once i reached the point where i no longer valued my life, i stopped valuing most lives. human lives.

 I still care about animals. they’re cute and bring me calm. I would love to have my cat here, or be able to adopt a kitten or a puppy, they’re sweet and small. theyre warm and i could hug them when i’m down, but my mother says no. so i dont even bother bringing it up to a therapist. 

I wish my friends werent going through what they are, none of them deserve it. the hardships and pain of life. of growing up. of learning to adult.  I hope they live long happy fulfilling lives. They deserve it, they deserve the best.

Ive hated my life

the more i think back on it the less i feel like it matters

my life that is

look. you want to know something insane, that i still dont understand

how could someone so ugly, be molested so many times

like

wow.

kindergarden

7th grade

and one time at summer camp

i guess thats not a lot. 

but i think one time is too many,

genuinely. 

MY BODY

has been taken advantage of

by so many people, they decided, not me, that i was theirs to touch, and stroke, and grope...

i guess thats why i cant stand physical contact with strangers... or anyone who  i haven’t explicitly told they are trusted.

i’ve been writing for an hour.

WOW

this really feels like a suicide note. 

Ive been saying goodbye for an hour

My therapist said to contact him if the feeling to kill myself ever came. 

not happening

I’m not telling anyone... not even my boyfriend,

i cant tell anyone, they’ll just try and stop me.

I could point fingers and blame, but i wont.

My parents were wonderful. They made mistakes, but no parent doesnt,  life comes with no handbook, and when you have to maintain your own and build something sturdy for your children, so they can live a good life. it can not be easy. I think you guys did amazing. and i love you. even though you can drive me absolutely mad, I love you guys. my parents are my first love. theyre amazing.

My sister is my favorite person, we always had a good relationship. shes my sister, she taught me everything i know about life, She does everything in her power to help me. to fix things for me. to make me laugh and smile. Most recently her daily spoop messages. she’s the reason i maintained an interest in anything, She sends me memes, and links, and music. she shows me plays and movies. she has the best cat, both of my sisters cats have been my favorite, when we got shadow i was 6, and scared of her, I wanted a dog not a cat, but we got a cat. and after a while i warmed up to her, shadow was gentle and sweet and beautiful. she would come to drink your milk after you had cereal, and she would lay on my foot when i pet her to keep me from going away. and laf is the cutest most noodly cat i have ever met, he’s thin and floppy like cooked spaghetti. and i love him.

I wish, i could put into words. why i cared for the people i did so much, why i did everything in my power to make them happy, 

but i cant

and if you’re reading this i’m sorry.

I cant keep making up excuses to live another day.

i have shit grades, i have a shit attention span, I barely have job and i know i’m not good at it. 

i’m not good at anything, I’m not creative, i cant draw, my photography is sub par, I suck at making new friends and honestly i feel like nobody really wants to get to know me. 

I dont believe suicide is the answer

i never have

but I dont think i have any other way.

I had dreams of getting married, and starting a family. I had dreams of studying abroad with my friends. I wanted to move to california. I wanted to see every disney. I wanted to travel the world with my best friend. I wanted to freelance.

I dont want much anymore

shit. i dont even want to eat most of the time

i dont even want to finish this post.

it is now 2:36 PM

Im wary... i am unsure if i can. 

but i think i will

I THINK IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF

[crazykendal]

Im Not Allowed To Use My Computer But Here I am

Get ready for a ton of grammar errors im sorry

1.) What’s better, having high expectations or having low expectations?

low expectations, if you don't ever want to be hurt

2.) Would you rather go without junk food for a year or go without TV for a year?

i’d go without tv for a year since I never watch tv besides netflix

3.) Describe your perfect man/woman.

not in the mood

4.) Thoughts on school dress codes?

eh doesnt bother me

5.)Any strange phobias?

deep water (still), seeing people during summer because im a mess, abandonment 6.) At what job do you see Donald Trump best fit?

president?? oh but people are gonna hate me if I say that haha fucking hate me more 7.) Who was your first crush?

this one boy I dont think I ever even talked to before, honestly what the actual fuck 8.) Who was your first best friend?

she knows who she is. I dont consider her a best friend but she is my closest friend ever. No its not my cat. Ive known her for 10 years 9.)What is one weird thing about you?

I hate myself but that isnt weird, idk 10.) Top 5 TV shows you like to watch? The walking dead and The 100.. thats just it haha

11.) What are your favorite boys names? oh like friends or actual names. Im going to do just names because im going to stop exposing myself and stop being so honest. actually I have no favorite boy names haha

12.) What are your favorite girls names? Brooklyn haha I haven't finished that stupid wattpad story yet

13.) Do you have any tattoos? If so, what are they? no

14.) Do you plan on getting (more) tattoos? If so, what do you want to get as of the moment? i would want to get tattoos if they didnt hurt when applied.

15.) Do you have any piercings? Do you plan on getting more? no

16.) Do you like hugging people? depends on who. but now, no

17.) Think of ANY person on earth right now.  Who did you think of? a friend who im going to see on wednesday

18.) Do you have an iPhone? yeah I dont use it anymore

19.) What is the worst thing that could happen in your life right now? hmm maybe if some guy didnt go to my school next year but that isn't happening

20.) Do you watch anime? no ive watched like 2 animes years ago.

21.) What brings true happiness? getting a grip and letting everything go. Im free of a lot of pain ive been going through for a few months and its the first time ive been truly happy with myself even though I want to fucking- nevermind hahahaha

22.) What is the most expensive thing you’ve ever paid for? I feel like I should know this, but i have no idea

23.) If you could have any job in the world and get paid millions of dollars a year for it, what would you be and why? idk

24.) Do you want children? If so, how many? no

25.) Name and describe someone who you feel most comfortable around. honestly no one, including myself, my trust isnt something everyone has anymore

26.)If you could invent a holiday, what would it be? lexadeservedbetter

27.)Would you rather have summer weather or winter weather all year round? winter weather, gotta be cold like my heart

28.) If you could make an alien race, describe what they would look like. they’d look like all the people I hate so I can murder them

29.)  What was the first thing you learned to cook? i cant cook, I kinda can but it ends up with my mom yelling at me

30.) Describe your sense of humor. Im a joke. people laugh at me because of how fucking stupid I am. I get used to it.

31.) What is the key to happiness? don't worry about anyone else until you've worked yourself out.

32.) How many phone numbers do you have committed to memory? Whose numbers are they? my mom’s and emergency services :)

33.) Name three songs that make you want to dance. Come Over- Clean Bandit, Wasted Youth- Fletcher, and Caught Up- Sarah Close

34.) What job did you want to have as a child? i wanted to be a mom, dont ask me how I thought that was a fucking job besides what the fuck was I even thinking a mom? what. the. fuckkkkk

35.) Do you have any talents or skills? I can get really angry :)

36.) What was the worst punishment you’ve ever had? I was grounded for like 2 months you can ask me how if you want btw

37.) Did you ever do anything weird as a child? yes there were many things

38.) What is your dream car? ooohh I never thought about that probably a pegassi zentorno (doesn't exist in real life look it up)

39.)  Describe something that made you laugh this week. Ive over come stuff that I can finnally look back and realize how stupid I was.

40.) Did you have a dream last night? If so, describe it. i dreamt a lot last week and its so irrelevant to me nowwww

41.)  Do you ever have repetitive dreams? Describe it/them. repetitive like always that one person in them, yeah

42.) Describe the worst/ scariest dream you’ve ever had. I had a really nice dream and I woke up and I was sad hahaha story of my life

43.) Describe the best dream you’ve ever had. ^^

44.) If God himself gave you a choice of either having unlimited money for the rest of your life or finding your one true love starting tomorrow, which one would you choose (keep in mind, you are still able to make a ton of money if you choose love, and you are still able to meet your soul mate if you choose money)? trick question god doesn't exist :) but probably unlimited money because love is fucking useless and retarded

45.) If you could do anything (and I mean ANYTHING) right now without consequences, what would you do and why? run away and see a friend I haven't seen all summer

46.) Do you have any recipes that you know off the top of your head? What is it/ what are they? no

47.) Do you have your license? If so, do you have a car? no

48.) Have you ever had a near death experience? yes im not going to describe it

49.) Do you personally know anyone that has been to prison? yep

50.) Have you ever been in a physical fight?

yep

51.) When you get out of the shower, do you towel dry, blow dry, or air dry your hair? air dry unless I have to go somewhere i will usually blow dry.

52.) When you go to the movies, what snacks and drinks do you take with you? just a ton of candy hahahaha

53.) Do you like going to the beach? If so, do you like to stay dry or go in the water? If not, why? no

54.) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

no

55.) If you could have a superpower ASIDE from being invisible or being able to fly, what would you have? oh my fucking god that's what I was going to write. how bout shape shifting or something

56.) If you were able to live for however long you wanted to (i’m talking thousands of years without aging), when would you choose to die? when I got bored, I cant say lonely because I already am

57.) What do you think happens after you die? youre body stops working and people put you in a hole in the ground

58.) Do you believe in aliens? sure

59.) Do you believe in ghosts? 50/50

60.) Do you believe in spiritual things like ouija boards, tarot cards, and crystals? Do you believe they are portals for evil entities to enter the mortal world? haha no but ouija boards are fun to trick people with haha *Meghan*

61.) If you could make one mythical being real, who/what would you make?

my will to live

62.) Do you get tan, or do you burn? burn

63.) Describe your shower routine. too long

64.) Do you enjoy school? Why or why not? no because the people there suck and its much to stressful

65.) In your opinion, what is the worst way to die? probably falling.

666.) Do you get carsick, sea sick, or airplane sickness? none, ive never been on an airplane so idk

67.) What’s one memory that you wish you could live again and again? ..

68.) What were some of your stuffed animal’s names from when you were a kid? hattie my stuffed chicken haha

69.)Do you have any pets? 69 cats :)

70.) Describe your daily wardrobe. dark

71.)  Describe what your daily wardrobe would be if you were rich. probably the same

72.)  Create a character right now.  Give them a name, age, and character description. are you fucking with me im writing out a new character for some private stuff as I work on this survey.

73.)What was the last thing you bought? a couple books

74.) Have you ever bought a CD? What band was it for? the last cd I bought was hfk :)

75.) Describe your perfect ice cream sundae. cookie dough and im gooood

76.) If you could make ANYTHING happen right now with no cost, trouble, or obstacles, what would you do? cant say but anything could happen by ellie goulding is annoying and I love it

77.) What are some of your favorite physical activities to do? running but I havent run in a long time and im out of shape

78.) What were some of your favorite shows as a child? dont remember

79.) Describe how you would survive the zombie apocalypse. id make a group and Id lead it, id also make sure chandler riggs and alycia debnam-carey would be there because I love them and theyve both been in zombie shows. yesssss

80.)What are some things you shouldn’t say at work? when does the boss retire

81.) If you were told that if you killed someone, you would save 100 people, would you do it? if one the 100 people were clarke griffin, yes.

82.) How’s the weather right now? its dark

83.) What is the background on your cell phone right now? its lexa with a ton of thug life stuff added onto her haha

84.)Is it better to work at a job that you love or a job that pays well? job that pays well

85.) What do you have within arms reach of your bed? my alarm clock

86.) Have you ever been fired from a job? If so, why? no

87.) Have you ever won a trophy, prize, or medal? If so, for what? two stupid school medals and thats it

88.) Do you have any posters, pictures, or art hanging on your walls in your room? If so, what are they? video game map posters, shitty drawing i havent taken down and comic and movie posters

89.) Are you afraid of the dark? If so, why? I used to be haha I think I still am.

90.)What is something that you’ve never done but would like to try? been a good friend to anyone

91.) If you could choose three famous people or characters to be friends with, who would you choose and why? just friends? thats hard. probably Stevie Boebi, Alexis G. Zall and Ally Hills. I would say Shannon Beveridge but I have like this huge crush on her alright

92.) Do you smile at strangers when you pass by them on the street? no because I hate people

93.) Do you have a favorite TV commercial? If so, what is it? life alert

94.) Do you like your handwriting? no it looks like a little kids handwriting

95.) Cable TV or Netflix? netflix

96.) What are your favorite smells? everything at bath and bodyworks please

97.) Do you consider yourself physically strong? I wish dood

98.) Describe a time where you said something really rude or mean, whether intentional or not.

I told some people thing that weren't true about them just because I was really mad. #dickhead

99.) Do you ask strangers to pet their dogs? no

100.)What is your most embarrassing moment?

my lifespan

101.) Has anyone really close to you ever died? If so, who was it and how did you handle it?

 my cat maverick, my grandma and lexa

102.)  Describe your plan of action if you were home alone and you heard someone break into your house.

I gotta knife drawer and i’d love to use it

103.) If you were to be born again, would you want to be born male or female?

male, im not saying i want to be a guy but id like to experience things differently

104.)  What shampoo do you use?

idk

105.) Guess the meaning of this word: ulotrichous.

something horrible, or myself

106.) Do you let messages (phone, email, text, social media, etc…) build up, or do you have to look at them right away?

no one ever texts me im always the one to start a convo and that sucks

107.)  Where is the nearest McDonalds to your house?

probably like 5 miles away

108.)  If you had $1 billion and you had to spend it in exactly one week, what would you spend it on?

id buy a house and a ton of cars even tho I cant drive yet

109.) What is the best thing you’ve ever eaten?

pizza

110.) If you could go on a trip around the world with up to three people, who would you bring (they can be people you know personally or famous people).

ellie goulding, chandler riggs and alycia debnam-carey

111.) What expletive/ explicit phrase do you say most often?

frick frack fuck

112.) What is your personal definition of success?

finishing something the correct way

113.) How was your day today?

ive been doing yardwork and I volenteered at fieldhaven

114.) What is the closest Big City you live by?

sacramento

115.) Have you ever been in a car accident?

yes but they were never serious

116.) Do you hide anything from your parents?

all the time like hmm idk my sexuality

117.) If you could possess one talent, what would you be able to do?

make myself invisible :)

118.) Ugly and smart or beautiful and stupid?

depends on the person

119.) What is the worst thing you’ve ever seen in real life?

myself

120.) Use only 3 words to describe how you want your future to go.

i hate myself

121.) QUICK! give me a few things a brick could be useful for

you can throw them at people

122.) If you could make a dream society, describe it in great detail where it would be, who would be in it, and what rules there would be?

 the lost youth is a band of teens who pull children off the streets and always get into fights with the other gang, the redemption. there will be blood.

123.) If you could make any animal miniature, what would you make and why?

cats

124.) What are your favorite candle scents?

I dont really have and candles so idk

125.) If you HAD to have one plastic surgery, what would you get and why?

my nose

126.) Do you prefer to hang out with the same sex or the opposite sex?

depends on who but right now no one

127.) If you could make a charity, what would the profits go towards? How would you raise money for it?

myself because I am poor

128.) Describe the body you wish you had.

I wish I was taller

129.) If you were a famous director, what would your next movie be about? Describe the plot, characters, and possible title.

the lost youth

130.) If only women were to rule the world, how different would the world be by 2050?

im not being sexist but it wouldn't be all that great but maybe politics could get better I have no idea

131.) What is your favorite alcoholic drink?

chocolate milk :) yes

132.) Do you have a problematic friend?

im the problematic friend

133.) Are you more spontaneous or more of a planner?

depends on the situation

134.) If you could change your full name, what would your name be?

not saying

135.) What is one song that describes your life?

hard times- paramore

136.) What is one show you’ve been meaning to watch but can never find the time for?

the rest of the 100 why the fuck are so many people dying I needed a break after lexa died and now all the nightbloods and lincoln are dead. duh fuck

137.) Do you find it easy to drop toxic people from your life that you’ve known for a long time?

Id have to ask people because people talk behind my back telling them im toxic. if you were me its understandable and im totally alright with it now

138.) Do you like children? Why or why not?

no children fucking suck

139.) What is your zodiac sign?

Pisces rising, Sagittarius sun, and and Capricorn moon

140.) Do you like to dance? Do you dance often? In front of other people?

yes but i cant haha

141.) Name some of your favorite colors.

blue and black and sometimes orange and purple

142.) Have you ever shoplifted? If so, what was it?

no

143.) If you could speak three additional languages, what would they be?

danish, french, and japanese

144.) Have you ever been in legal trouble?

no

145.) Have you ever had surgery?

no

146.) If you could change 2 things about yourself, what would you change and why?

my sexuality and my face haha

147.) What do you want done with your body after you die?

i dont care

148.) What three physical features do people compliment you most on? What do they say about them?

usually my hair because im ugly

149.) If you could have your own business, what would you do?

own a large company, I dont know

150.) What current friend do you have that you’ve known the longest?

im going on vacation with her for a week in Oregon that’ll be funnn

ok so I could totally tag you olivia but I just made you do that other really long one so if you're reading this you can if you want haha

[we-glow-together]

(1/^)i feel like im losing my mind rn, or well, for the last couple of months. mod angel might remember asks similar to this but im so desperate rn im sorry. ive been hearing my abusers voice in my ear and ive seen him around every corner, at this point every face is his. i have to see him every other day at school n things started getting better n i was able to cope but his girlfriend recently left him and hes trying to reach out to me again even tho i have him blocked on every social platform

“i have to see him every other day at school n things started getting better n i was able to cope but his girlfriend recently left him and hes trying to reach out to me again even tho i have him blocked on every social platform i have so its not like he can anyway. during our relationship/friendship he would kinda use his gf against me? like tell me how pretty she was and skinny and funny even tho he knew i was in love with him. but now that theyve split theres that small part of me going "we have another chance!!" even though ik thats wrong thinking and i dont want to get hurt again. but i just want everything to stop. i dont want to hear his voice anymore. i dont want to remember what he did to me.  i dont want to love him or miss him. and i sure as hell dont want to see him again, hallucinations or not. last night my mind wouldnt leave me alone so i relapsed. i havent relapsed in over a year and its all his fucking fault. i just want to die so badly but im too much of a fucking coward i hate this so much. i cant even get help bc ive tried!! my family thinks its nothing, they dont even know what ive done to myself haha, and they wont get me meds or a therapist -i feel theres honestly nothing i can do, nothing. i cant die, i cant get help, and i dont even want to fucking live lol. im sorry theres so many of these, but im done now"

Mod Monster here,It's very common when you've been abused to experience a lot of delusions about your abuser. Personally, I would have dreams about my abuser a lot and I couldn't stand to be around older men for quite some time. That being said, with what I can glean here, it sounds like he's really affected you and you have not had a real chance to get away, so I know it must be hard for you to recover and heal especially when you've only had to depend on yourself in person to heal. It's also very common to want to be near your abuser in some situations, especially when they've intentionally manipulated your feelings that were once positive for them. It's okay to feel this way, it's normal for someone who's gone through what you have, including the hurt he's caused by his abuse and his emotional manipulation (bringing up his feelings for his gf when he knows it hurt you at one time). I promise, you will get away from your abuser one day and you will heal. Healing takes time and it's okay to still being feeling and hurting about your abuse and abuser.

Moving forward, I'm so, so proud of you for getting as far as you have before you relapsed. Relapses, in my opinion, are a slide back, sure, but you have fought so long and you've been so strong, and you still are. Sometimes, it's okay to admit that the world was too hard. The best thing you can do right now is pat yourself on the back, forgive yourself, and start again. I think we both know that suicide is not the best option, and you are not cowardly for not doing it. It's not an option, and it won't ever be an option. We won't focus on that right now, because I think it's clear you, on some level know this.

I know the most clear options for you (medication, therapist, your parents) have not panned out the way you have expected and it's okay to feel hurt or disappointed, but I promise you, you always have options. You can continue to talk to us, and you can always come to me privately if you want (even if you want to make a throwaway tumblr or add me on skype, discord, etc. I work a lot but I'll try to be available as best I can). Alongside that, there are some free therapy options out there if you just want to talk it out. (7cups is one I can think of off of the top of my head) If you're still in public school, maybe talk to a counselour privately when you get the chance. They may have some options for you or may be able to talk some sense into your family about how serious this is.