#i hope I’m just overthinking. i hope I don’t go back to Instagram and see her tagging me

[slytherheign]

YOU BELONG WITH ME | tasm!peter parker

PAIRING: high school senior!tasm!peter parker x high school senior!fem!reader

WORD COUNT: 3.9k

SUMMARY: you can’t help but feel insecure when you realize your best friend peter and the most famous girl in the school are keeping a sweet secret from you.

WARNINGS: cursing/swearing, awkwardness, jealousy, insecurities, self-loathing, reader is an overthinker and assumes things easily. let me know if i missed any warnings. [⚠︎︎RATING: G]

AUTHOR'S NOTE: inspired by taylor swift’s song with the same title. angst with happy ending. dedicated to @joshiiieeenesx, thanks for supporting me and requesting this. i hope you’re having a great day!

DESTINATION: Sweet Street | GO BACK TO THE STATION. CLICK HERE FOR ALL THINGS YBWM (reviews, commentary, etc. about this fic).

It was Friday Night.

Your favorite day and time of the week because of your tradition with Peter to order pizza and watch a movie. Tonight was a bit different though, you both decided to order your least favorite flavor of pizza and watch the lowest-rated movie ever. 

Peter made a joke in the middle of the movie, causing you to laugh and cover your face with your hands. It was a habit you developed since you were a kid when a bully made fun of you for having an ‘ugly-laughing’ face. “Stop,” he chuckled as he captured your wrists with his hands. “Stop what?” you questioned unknowingly, allowing him to hold your wrists and pull them away from your face. You stared at him confusingly.

“Stop covering your face when you laugh,” he said. “I can’t see your pretty face.” Peter would always make little comments here and there about you, most of them being compliments. You ought not to make it serious since you’d always tell flirty jokes to each other, but you just can’t help but feel a little flutter in your stomach every time he would compliment you.

You tried covering the increasing redness of your cheeks with laughter. “I’m serious. Stop covering your face,” he told you. “What if I told you I’m doing it on purpose?” you thought of a quick funny remark.  “And why, may I ask, are you doing it on purpose?” he quirked an eyebrow. 

“Let’s just say, if you see my beautiful face when I’m laughing, you might just fall in love,” you joked, smirking at him. There was a tinge of the color red in his cheeks, but he was quick to hide it with a chuckle.

“Well, why don’t you let me see your beautiful face then let’s see if I really fall in love?” he remarked. Once again, you laughed because you didn’t know how to respond. Peter was laughing with you when his phone suddenly rang. He quickly stood up, covering the name of the caller with his hand before walking to a private secluded room in his house to answer it. You didn’t mind it. After all, everyone deserved privacy when they’re talking to someone on the phone. Besides, you were actually quite thankful because the phone call interrupted the growing awkwardness in the room. You paused the movie while Peter talked on the phone in the other room.

Minutes passed and you were getting bored of waiting for him. You decided to pull your phone from your jeans pocket and open the Instagram app for a bit. Your feed was pretty much full of your schoolmates that were either busy preparing for prom next friday or busy with the upcoming game on Monday. You scrolled mindlessly, double-tapping each post from your close friends when you stumbled upon a post from her.

Gwen Stacy. Blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect body. The cheer captain, head of the planning committee, the smartest in school… well, not the smartest because that would be Peter… but still the smartest girl in school. Having all that, you’d think she was the type to be the typical mean girl, but no… she’s actually the nicest.

In the picture, she was smiling with the other cheerleaders, their teeth as white as snow and their faces as beautiful as barbie dolls even when they were sweating. Sometimes you just wonder if they ever had a bad hair day or they’re just perfect all the time.

“Please! Gwen, come on!” you heard Peter yell. Gwen? Why was he talking to Gwen Stacy?

“Really? Yes!” you heard him exclaim excitedly. A pang of jealousy hit your chest, the feeling was unwelcome because you knew he wasn’t even yours to begin with. But still, it hurt.

The next thing you heard was his footsteps nearing the door. You collected yourself immediately, greeting him with a smile as he opened the door.

“Sorry about that,” he smiled, with the same fucking smile you fell in love with. He sat next to you on the couch, subtly putting his arm on the back just around where your head was resting. He grabbed the remote from your hand, but for a few seconds, you felt it linger when his hand touched yours.

He pressed the play button and you both continued to watch the movie.

“Okay, just so we’re clear. You think Peter and Gwen are dating?” your other friend, Mary Jane, iterated on the phone. It was Sunday night, the only time MJ had free time this week since she was also a cheerleader.

“Yes,” you answered clearly. “I heard them talking on the phone the other night. Peter seemed really happy and excited.”

“And what do you feel about that?” she asked.

“Uh–I don’t know?” you admitted.

“I call bull. Come on, I know you’re in love with Peter.”

“Okay. I do have feelings for him… but I don’t think he feels the same about me. He probably asked Gwen to be his prom date even though we promised we’d take each other to the event.”

“So you’re not going to prom anymore?”

“I mean I already have a dress so I guess I’ll still go. It just sucks that I’ll be going without him.”

“Since when did you get a dress?!” 

“Uhh… since last week?” 

“And you didn’t even tell me?” she made a sound of absolute shock. Knowing her, you knew she probably had her hand on her chest while making that sound. “I could’ve helped you pick.”

“It’s not a problem honestly. Besides, I kinda wanted it to be a surprise?”

“Can you at least tell me the color?” she pleaded.

“Blue. Like the kind of blue in Spider-Man’s suit.”

“Weird way to describe a color. Is there a specific reason why you chose blue? I thought you never liked blue.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you but don’t tell anyone about this because I think Peter is kinda embarrassed about it… Peter is obsessed with Spider-Man. He’s such a huge fan of his–maybe even his number one fan. He even tried to hide it from me, but when I found a Spider-Man suit in his closet he just started getting really nervous and he only stopped when I told him it’s fine if he’s a fan. I’m not judging him, I think Spider-Man is really cool too,” you explained. “I was hoping he’d notice the color reference but now that he’s going with Gwen Stacy, I doubt he would even look at me.”

“You really think Peter would ignore you? Have you seen how that man looks at you?”

“He looks at everyone like that. It’s nothing special,” you denied.

“Listen, believe what you want to believe but I know Peter is definitely in love with you too. But if you did end up alone and out of place at the event, you’re welcome to sit with me.”

“Thanks, but you literally have a date. I don’t wanna be a third wheel,” you laughed. “I appreciate the thought though,” you exchanged goodbyes not long after that, wishing her good luck on their cheer performance.

You thought hard about what she said. Peter did become more clingy to you these last few months and he always made sure to text or call you every day. You guessed there really was a chance Peter shared the same feelings with you. 

Maybe he was just talking to Gwen as a friend.

You were at the gymnasium where you'd have to watch student-athletes pass the ball to each other, all having the same objective to shoot the ball in their respective goals. And when a member of a team claimed their shot, it would repeat all over again. 

You were never into sports. If you had a choice, you’d rather stay in bed and continue reading Looking For Alaska, but instead, you were stuck sitting on the bleachers while watching cheerleaders dance their routine in such a flawless manner. As much as you wanted to focus on MJ and support her, your eyes couldn’t help but look at Gwen. She really was mesmerizing.

You were too busy comparing her shiny legs and the way they moved with their short flowy skirts with your simple t-shirt and sneakers to even notice someone sitting beside you.

You continued watching Gwen dance, focusing on her pretty face and realizing that even in her sweaty condition she still kept dazzling everyone in the room with her beautiful smile. You noticed her wink in your direction. For a moment you thought she was winking at you, but when you followed the direction she was smiling at you noticed it was directed at someone beside you—Peter. 

Funny. You didn’t even know Peter was beside you.

“Hi?” you greeted, putting your best smile in front of him while your stomach ached from cruel jealousy.

“Hey,” he simply replied, before focusing on the phone he just got out of his pocket. He was busy texting someone. 

“So…you already have a suit for Friday?” you asked, trying to start a conversation. He shook his head. “Nope. But I plan on looking later today.”

“Cool. Do you want me to go with you? I don’t have anything to do after this,” you offered. 

He stopped and finally looked at you. You noticed how his eyes widened at your question and after mere seconds of looking at your eye, he looked away. He didn’t even need to open his mouth, his body language already told you that he already had someone he was going with.

You felt too sick to even hear his reply, immediately knowing the answer. You excused yourself, going straight to the bathroom to try to compose yourself and your body that was slowly starting to shake. You looked at yourself in the mirror, yelling inside your head to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. 

You and Peter were supposed to be inseparable. From childhood up until that moment earlier on the bleachers, you thought you would end up together.

All those years, you have convinced yourself you would be together and told the stars that he belonged with you.

But maybe he belonged with someone else.

And if you truly loved him, who were you to stop him from following his heart?

The moment you stepped inside the school tomorrow morning, Peter immediately wrapped his arm around your shoulder.

If it was yesterday or the days before, you would’ve loved it and your stomach would’ve already been swarmed with butterflies. But today, all it felt was aching pain.

“Hey,” he kissed your cheek, a thing he always did whenever he saw you at school. “MJ told me you went home early yesterday because you weren’t feeling well. Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve walked you home.”

“It’s fine, really,” you answered. It wasn’t fine, but how could you tell him he was the reason you couldn’t bear to stay at school yesterday?

“Well, I missed you. You got me really worried.”

And there it was again, the feeling of your heart jumping just from the words he said and how his voice spoke them. Was Gwen even okay with him putting his arm around your shoulder and walking with you in the hallways?

You did your best acting like everything was alright for the rest of today. Peter was busy texting Gwen for most of the time anyway, it wasn’t hard to convince him everything was fine.

Classes for Wednesday and Thursday were suspended to give way for prom preparations. You didn’t have much to do on Wednesday, so when MJ offered an idea to practice doing makeup and putting on the dresses to prepare for prom, you agreed.

You sat in your room in front of your vanity mirror while MJ did your makeup for you. She matched the eyeshadow with the color of your dress, and you must admit, she did amazing. Next was your hair, you requested it to be an updo, with the hairpins you picked out scattered attractively.

For a moment, you wondered what Peter could be doing right now. His house was just next to yours, his bedroom window facing yours and if you only pulled your curtains aside, you would see him through his window—if it wasn’t covered by his curtains.

Mary Jane snapped you back to reality by complimenting the details of the dress she just pulled out of your closet. “I need to see you in this dress now.”

You chuckled but complied nonetheless. With her help, you carefully put on the dark blue long dress. “Shit. This dress is made for you,” she complimented. It was true, you were indeed a vision. The dress hugged your body perfectly and the details were perfect to your liking. You never liked the color blue, but this dress got you second thinking. 

After putting on your heels, you checked yourself out in the mirror when MJ’s phone suddenly rang. “Peter? Hi,” she answered. As soon as she said his name, you turned around to face her.

“Are you okay?” MJ asked Peter. “You sound ill.”

“What’s happening?” you didn’t care anymore if Peter wasn’t talking to you. Something was wrong with him based on MJ’s reaction, and you were concerned.

“Oh my god.”

“MJ, what is it?” 

“Something is really wrong with him. I think we need to go to his hou–” she didn’t have the opportunity to finish her sentence when you immediately walked out of your room still in your dress and on your way to Peter’s house. MJ followed you but stayed outside Peter’s house. She smirked the moment you entered his house. Everything was going as planned.

Aunt May was thankfully on vacation somewhere, you couldn’t imagine her reaction if she saw you rushing towards her nephew’s room in a long dress and in heels. 

You carefully knocked on his bedroom door, announcing your presence. “Y/N?” he asked and you hummed in response. “I’m in here,” he answered from the next room. As far as you can remember, that room was an empty one. You weren’t sure why Peter was in there but in times of emergencies like this one, you didn’t care. “Can I open the door?” you asked.

“Yes.”

You did not expect what you saw.

The room was dark as a result of the windows being covered. On the floor were littered little candles with your favorite scent lit up to light the room in a romantic manner. There was an area left for you to walk leading to the middle of the room, which had a space just enough for two people. You also noticed the petals of roses scattered on the floor as a string version of your favorite song started playing. 

A figure emerged from the shadows—Peter. He offered his hand for you to take and only then when he led you to the middle did the fire from the candles revealed his outfit. He was wearing a suit that perfectly matched the color of your dress. You didn’t know how he knew the exact color of your dress, you would ask him that later.

You were both speechless, neither knowing what to say. “Wow…” he breathed out. “How could a person look so beautiful? You are unreal.”

“Thank you,” you blushed. “You look handsome too.”

He held your hand and guided it towards his lips, placing a soft kiss on the back of it before holding each of your hands with both of his.

“Peter?” you started to say. “What–”

“You know I prepared a whole speech just for this moment,” he interrupted. “And then as soon as I saw you, I just forgot every single thing in the world because you’re the only one that matters.”

Tears were starting to gloss your eyes but before you could start crying from his sentiment, you asked him a question that has been vexing you for quite a while.

“What about Gwen?”

His face was quick to react to your question. His forehead scrunched up, looking at you as if to tell you if you could emphasize your question.

“I thought you were together. You were talking to each other pretty much the whole week. You were texting and calling each other, she was with you when you picked your suit, and then I saw her wink at you at the game.”

His face slowly dawned with realization. As soon as he realized what you were talking about, he couldn’t help but laugh. But upon seeing your worried face, he stopped laughing at once and looked straight into your eyes with absolute seriousness.

“Gwen and I are nothing more than just friends. We are not together. We’ve been talking to each other a lot because I asked her for help on how to surprise you. She also helped me pick the right suit so I wouldn’t embarrass myself with a lousy one. She winked at me at the game because she was excited that after the game ended, we would set up this surprise. And also because I was sitting next to you in the bleachers, she kinda saw me stare at you while you were busy watching the cheer routine. The wink was just her teasing and being excited. It doesn’t mean anything, I swear. It’s only you. I only want you.”

“Shit. So I really just overthought the whole situation,” you chuckled. “I’m so stupid.”

“No, you’re not stupid. Don’t invalidate your feelings, It’s completely understandable. If I was you I’d think the same too.”

After a short moment of soft understanding silence, you felt him stiffen. His hands now held yours a little bit tighter. “Can I ask you a question?” he finally said.

“Let me guess, you want me to be your prom date?” you tried to ease the tension with the obvious question.

“Yes, and no.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I want to take you to prom, yes. But that’s not the only thing I want. I want to take you on dates, I want to dance with you not just at events organized by the school, I want to buy you flowers, every day if I can; I want to watch scary movies with you and laugh when you’re too scared and you hide yourself with a pillow, I want to watch sad movies with you and bring you tissues and cuddle you the moment you cry, I want to watch romantic movies with you and cringe together when the characters do something embarrassing and wrap my arms around you when you blush at something sweet that they do. I want the tears, the pain, the frustration, the confusion, the sweetness, the laughter—everything. I want everything. With you.”

“Pete…”

“We’re seniors. Next year, we’re going to college. We will take on different paths and places, but before that even happens, I want you to be my place that’s never changing. And if you feel the same, I want to be your place that’s never changing too. You have been my best friend since we were kids, and I don’t want my memory of us to be just two people being friends since childhood,” he said before resting his forehead against yours. “I am in love with you, Y/N L/N. Would you be willing to enter a relationship that’s more than friends with me?”

Tears glossed over your eyes again, but this time, you let one fall. Peter was quick to wipe it with his hand. “Tell me you don’t feel the same and I will not hold it against you. Tell me you don’t feel the same and I will not cross the line of being more than friends. Know that I will not force you into a relationship you do not want. Tell me if you don’t feel the same and I–”

“Yes,” you stopped him before he could finish his sentence. “The answer is yes. I am in love with you as well, Peter Parker. I have been for a long time.”

Peter smiled, now feeling his own tears try to escape his eyes but he didn’t let them fall. “May I dance with you?”

You chuckled but agreed, letting him guide you into position. Your forearms rested on his shoulders, your hands softly stroking the back of his neck while his hands were positioned at both sides of your waist. As the music still played in the background, you both started swaying.

“I can’t take my eyes off of you. You’re gorgeous,” he commented. “You don’t look so bad yourself. Your suit even matched my dress,” you said back.

“I’ll have to thank MJ for that.”

“Wait–MJ is a part of this?” 

“Of course, she is. How’d you think I knew the color of your dress?”

You suddenly remembered the conversation you had with MJ when she asked you about the color of your dress. And then you also remembered that MJ was the reason why you were even inside Peter’s house right now in the first place. Peter called her and then she said that something was wrong with him and urged you to come here. Where was she even now anyways?

Peter laughed as he watched your face change from confusion to realization. “You know what–I’ll give it to y’all. You, Gwen, and MJ are good at this,” you admitted.

“The dressing up with our prom outfits and dancing was my idea though,” he spoke as he guided you into a spin. “I wanted our first dance to be private, not in a room filled with other students.”

You saw him glance at your lips for a moment before looking back into your eyes. “I also want to do this,” he said as he leaned in closer and met your lips with his.

You’ve imagined this moment ever since your heart started beating for him. But still, the feeling of his lips against yours for real was better than what you’d imagined it to be. The kiss was soft but intimate, neither of you having a need to rush into things but at the same time making up for lost time pining over each other silently. You wished you could kiss him forever and stay like this but you eventually needed to pull away to breathe.

“So, you really thought I was in love with Gwen?” he teased while you were catching your breath.

“Way to ruin the moment,” you chuckled, lightly punching his arm before nodding.

“Shit. I really made you jealous?” he seemed really proud of what he had done from the way he was smirking.

“Are you happy?” you jokingly asked, rolling your eyes with fake annoyance.

“Am I happy? Of course, I am. I just kissed you.”

You couldn’t find the words to reply as you blushed harder than you’d ever blushed before. Instead, you just laughed out of blissful happiness.

For the first time ever, he saw you laugh without covering your face and it was the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen. He couldn’t help but kiss you again.

Needless to say, the future was exciting.

If only he could tell you that he was Spider-Man.

SLYTHERHEIGN TAGLIST: @writingstoraes @joshiiieeenesx

TASM!PETER PARKER TAGLIST:  @mymilkducts @i-am-woman-strong @lauraneedstochill @jeanettexkillian @ms-mandalore @enaraism @alessandralol @sad-darksoul @sincericida @mentallystablepotato @mich0731 @logolepsic-insomniac @k0miiki @dreamsarecloserwithyou @jumilzzz @primroseparker @preciousbabypeter @myheartonthemove @rebecca-johnson-28 @silkholland @ellievickstar @okkulta @geekygamerchick @starqwerty20 ​ @the-quiet-observer @softiepeterpan

[amourdivine]

𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃 🤍 𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐎𝐄𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐒.𝐏. 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊 & 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐓𝐎𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔?

Hello, lovelies! This was a suggested reading from a dear anonymous.  It had a more romantic subtext, but I hope you take out what resonates & leave what doesn’t! If you have any more suggestions, so let me know! Feedback is always welcome. If you liked this reading, please consider booking a paid reading or tipping me at @ amourdivinetarot@gmail.com! xo. ♡

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PILE ONE 💜

what do they think about you? ten of swords • eight of pentacles • six of cups.

I just heard Coldplay’s “The Scientist”, specifically the bit in which he sings “take me back to the start”. I wonder if you two had a fight, some sort of falling out or heavy disagreement. They think they’ve lost you - this is weighing heavy on their mind. They wish they could go back to when things were simpler, when things weren’t so difficult and anxiety-inducing. I think they feel a lot of shame and blame as well (I heard “blame game”) and I’m not going to lie, pile one, this person may be overthinking this connection, especially the way they see it. It feels heavy, like my chest and my throat are holding so much energy but nothing comes out. They’re not thinking clearly, despite thinking so much, it’s really difficult for them to “think” a way out of this situation you’re in. However, they do wish to work towards a peaceful resolution with you. They want to find a way to make things feel lighthearted and happy for the two of you again. This person could also be listening to a lot of heavy/sad songs, because so many of them are coming through to me. They’re experiencing a lot of self-hatred and very difficult emotions are going through them. They’re mourning some kind of happy ending, but they’re still willing to salvage the relationship if that's something you also desire.

how do they feel towards you? the empress • ace of swords • page of pentacles.

Gosh, there’s so much love here. They not only miss you, but they want to talk to you… to ask you how to work this out. They just want it to work it out between you two, pile one. Even if it’s difficult, like I mentioned in the previous section, they only want you. They don’t see anyone else for them. They don’t want to let you go, to lose you. It’s why their mind is so foggy and so clouded with poor judgment, they feel a lot of despair over the thought of losing the love you two have and shared. If your connection ended, they’re still not over it - they’re refusing to move on, simply because in their heart, they’ve decided it’s you. And I don’t think they’ve fully voiced it out just how much they want you, but they intend to do so. No matter how painful this situation has become, they hold some sort of hope that you’ll want to work things out with them too. They love you in a pure, devoted way and know how unique, how beautiful this connection is.

channeled messages: “i hate myself for what i did to you”, “i can’t forget you”, “you’re beautiful”, runaway, empty roads, highways, road trips, memories, polaroid pictures, “i wish things were easier”, “you betrayed me”, burning bridges, “do you still love me?”, deja vu.

channeled song: ghostin’ by Ariana Grande.

PILE TWO 🩷

what do they think about you? the magician • the lovers • the world

I couldn’t name a more beautiful spread. They put you on a pedestal, sort of - this person sees all that you are and they’re amazed. They admire you, they love you and they can’t see anyone else but you. This person’s got heart eyes when they look at you, maybe their eyes sparkle - pay attention next time you speak to them in person. Although they may wonder if they’re good enough for you, this person truly, deeply is inspired by you. It’s possible this is a friend of yours who’s crushing on you and vice-versa, but neither one of you is willing to admit it yet. This is a dreamy vibe, even, I feel like I’m immersed in Piscean energy. Maybe one of you is Neptune dominant or has Pisces in 1st. It’s the feeling of a high school crush, the intense, beautiful and almost soul-crushing one, but the kind of connection that has a lasting impact. Even if you haven’t known this person for a long time, they are eager to know more about you, all the little things that you do and say are stuck in the back of their mind. They don’t take it for granted. You’re extremely important to them, regardless of the nature of this relationship, you’re someone they want around.

how do they feel towards you? three of cups • five of wands • nine of swords.

They’re anxious, because they’ve got some heavy competition. Even if they see all these positive qualities in you, this person is afraid they’ll ruin the friendship by risking it. So many people are interested in you, that they’re afraid of rejection, afraid of all the people vying for your attention and sometimes, they just wish they could get rid of these feelings already. It’s possible there’s a 3rd party situation going on - either you or them could be in a committed relationship and there’s a lot of guilt and anxiety involved. You’re this person’s wish come true, but they don’t know what to do. They’re stuck in their head about it, fantasizing about coming towards you, talking to you and not feeling so insecure or jealous when they see you with someone else. I got the vivid imagery of someone seeing their crush talking to someone else at a party and being almost soul crushed by the fact that they’re so afraid of approaching the other. It’s giving me fanfiction vibes (in the best way possible, I promise). I’m almost sorry for this person because they’re so blindsided by their pessimism that they can’t fully see a way into being with you, no matter how much they want to. They know they need to make a move before they lose you for good, though.

channeled messages: “i’m so sick of love songs”, “i just want to talk to you”, instagram, DM’s, subtle flirting, “are you alone tonight?”, crush, “i feel invisible”, insecurity, jealousy, bonfire party, college life, “give me back my jacket”, inside jokes.

channeled song: Are You Bored Yet? by Wallows ft. Clairo.

PILE THREE 💖

what do they think about you? eight of cups • six of cups • the devil.

“Gone for good”, I just heard that. My playlist started playing sad breakup songs too, it’s honestly a little heartbreaking and quite bittersweet. This person thinks, well, they know you’ve left them behind and you seem done with them. You left them and they’re triggered. They’ve got so much going on in their head, always filled with “what ifs”. Your connection has turned sour and they think you wanted to pursue something better for yourself, something that didn’t trigger the both of you so much. I feel like this connection may have turned toxic, so they know you needed to leave, but nonetheless, they’re grieving, they’re sour and bitter. I don’t know if this person was heavily immature towards you or even disrespectful, but you left them on a chokehold because they didn’t expect you to simply walk away so easily. I don’t think it’s been easy for either one of you. I’m more so feeling a situationship or a friendship kind of vibe here, not a full, official commitment. Everything they see in you is almost a projection of their worst fears. All your worst traits mirror back to them, calling them to do some soul deep healing. I saw the Death card in the back of my mind, so I think this person knows it’s time to move on, to let you go, but they’re still obsessing over this ending you’ve had and it’s possible they lurk on your social media. It’s not an evil or malicious energy, but they’re not in a good headspace to talk or see you right now.

how do they feel towards you? two of swords • knight of cups • ten of wands.

Sometimes they love you, they miss you. Sometimes they just hate everything that came to be about the two of you. They’re tired, overburdened by their feelings, so sick of feeling so much and nothing at the same time. This person can’t really pinpoint exactly what they feel for you, but I got nauseous and almost sick to my stomach? I think they just wish they could erase this pain forever, but sometimes, they wish they could get some closure from you as well. It’s possible they wish they could give you some closure as well. All these messy feelings are taking their time in this person’s heart and body, but I think this connection, as triggering as it may have been, has brought up a lot of things back into the surface. Regardless of how they feel about you, it all ties back to their wounds, their feelings and themselves. I got some heavy Scorpio feelings in the last section and now I’m getting some Libra - I feel like those were significant energies and placements for your pile. This person’s not only heartbroken but almost… burnt out by everything that went down. They’re slowly trying to heal, to let go and forgive, but they’re not having the easiest time. I don’t think they’re “evil eyeing” you in any way, but I also think some distance will do the both of you some good. I feel like Spirit wants to emphasize how good this ending will be for you.

channeled messages: “you deserve better”, “i want to go back to who i was, mental health, physical health, “get over it”, 777, friends with benefits, messing around, fuck around and find out, taylor swift, moved on, finally, second chances, “i was a second option”, simply unrequited.

channeled song: Berenstein by The Band CAMINO | extra: Favourite Song by Tim Chadwick.

PILE FOUR 🩵

what do they think about you? the magician • ace of cups • six of swords.

You’re so nurturing, healing and magical. This person sees you as some sort of fairy, a beautiful, wholesome person who’s got so much love to give and to receive. Even the song that started playing is one of my favorites, a very healing and soft one. They see you as a safe person, an Earth angel, someone who’s almost like their lucky charm. The vibes here aren’t only romantic - they fit for friendships and familial relationships too. They’ve got a lot of fond memories and stories of you. I see someone going through a photo album and laughing to themselves in joy. This person sees a lot of good things in you and you’ve given them some sort of renewed faith in connections and humanity. They know you’ve been through a lot - they see you’re still healing. Every now and then, they catch glimpses of moments when you’re not feeling so good, but they still see your potential and growth nonetheless. I think your words and presence calm this person down. They value your advice immensely, all your words of wisdom and encouragement. I feel like Gemini and Leo are significant placements for this pile - I got the Strength card in the back of my mind, with the woman caressing the lion in the card. You bring calm and softness to this person’s life.

how do they feel towards you? queen of pentacles • ace of pentacles • two of wands.

I heard “wife you up”, lol. If this is a romantic connection, this person wants to offer you a deeper form of commitment - in whatever way that means for your connection. I feel like this person is smitten by you, even if you’re friends, you’re their closest, most prized friend. They’re making plans for something bigger, something greater between the two of you. This person views you as someone they could have ultimate success in every way, someone trustworthy and someone they intend on making accommodations for to fit in their life. It’s so soft and sweet, I see a woman arranging and rearranging pillows in a soft-looking bedroom to make sure her guests will be comfortable during their stay. I think they’re making room for you in their heart and mind, even their home as well. Maybe they haven’t told you, but they’re giddy to have met you and to spend more time with you. If this person proposes to you soon, please don’t tell them I told you! I’m not trying to ruin their plans, but let me say your connection has some really sweet, lovely surprises along the way. If you get engaged though, let me know, pile four. I’m really happy for you!

channeled messages: “fight for you”, “let me love you”, acts of service, bouquets, rainy days, “put your head on my shoulder”, “it’s okay to cry”, “i want to be there for you”, “you don’t have to pretend with me”, cupping someone’s face in your hands, comfort food, hugs, ice cream, care bears, pisces, cancer, healing, therapy, inner child. 

channeled song: Room Service by Holly Humberstone | extra: Break For You by Valley.

amourdivine. 2021 - 2023 © do not copy, redistribute or edit my content.

[heeseungwifey]

Does Layla need a mom?

pairing: jake x y/n

warning: contains smut!

It’s a chilly night so I’ve decided to go for some thighs with my mini skirt. I wish I could just ignore the cold for my Tinder date tonight but I should put my health first. I’m meeting a new guy called Jake, by his profile I know he’s 21, has gorgeous lips and a dog. That’s all I’m looking for in a man these days, someone I can have fun with. 

I order an Uber and go down the stairs, already kinda late for the reservation at the fancy Italian restaurant where we’re having our date. He made the reservation a week ago, he swears it’s the best food I’ll try in town. I get in the Uber and send him a message.

“Sorry, I'll be a few minutes late, traffic!” I sent it as the Uber driver was waiting on a red light. 

“No worries, I’m already here. I hope you do show up and not leave me stranded haha” Jake sends a smiley emoji and I get he’s nervous about this date too. We’ve been talking for a few weeks, friendly but also quite flirty, some texts getting borderline sexting. I’ve been trying not to overthink about how this night could end, but the thought of getting into this man’s bed has kept me zoning out since he asked me out. 

“Here it is lady, have a good night!” I get out of the car and thank the Uber driver, getting into the restaurant as fast as I can so I don’t ruin my hair in the rain. when I walk in, I scan the room to look for Jake, quickly spotting him at the end of the restaurant. He’s wearing a leather jacket, his hair pushed back and a neck chain, looking so good I almost got embarrassed to approach him. It would have been too late to escape since he already saw me, getting up and shaking his hand in the air so I could see him. 

“Hello! Wow you look gorgeous y/n” Jake kisses me on the cheek and I get to smell his perfume, manly and sexy. I sit down and take a sweet time to appreciate how he looks, admire his tan skin, his big nose, his beautiful smile and his hands, wishing that those would be touching me in a couple of hours. He’s doing the same as me, scanning me from head to toe with a sultry stare.

“You look really good too Jake, I’m kind of surprised you’re just not wearing basketball shorts or a striped shirt” I joke since in all his pictures on Instagram he’s wearing one of these two clothing pieces, even both of the same time sometimes. He looks ridiculously gorgeous tonight. 

“Well I have to show off for tonight, need to make a good impression”

“Sure you are”

Dinner was fantastic, everything was delicious and we talked all the time we were sitting there as if we had known each other since forever. Jake had come with his car so he offered to take me home. I felt uncomfortable asking to go to his house even though I really wanted to, so I made an excuse to be with him for a little bit more. 

“I know a cool bar right around here, would you like to go? Let’s not end the date just yet” I looked up on Google Maps a bar next to his house just to hang out there for a bit, have a drink and see where the night took us. The next thing I know is that each of us has drunk at least 3 cocktails and it’s almost 2 a.m.

“My house is quite close to this bar, if you want to crash, I know I said I would take you home but I don’t think I can drive right now, a uber right now is gonna be impossible to find” Jake has his arm around my shoulders, his hair messy and he had to take his jacket off because of how hot he was. His house is a 15-minute walk away, which helps us get refreshed as we get to his door. 

“Here we are, welcome to my house!” Jake opens the door and a modern and minimalist decor fills my sight. it’s obvious it’s a single man’s house by the posters and figurines he has but it’s done with good taste, giving a personal touch.

“Omg is this Layla? you’re so pretty and fluffy!” Jake’s dog approaches me right as I walk in, excitedly shaking her tail and giving little jumps. He has previously talked about her dog at the restaurant, showing me pictures of her as a puppy and all. 

“She seems to like you, I don’t often see her this excited” Jake closes the door and takes his jacket off, hanging it on the entrance coat rack. He gets behind me and grabs my bag and my coat, hanging it as well. 

“It’s kinda crazy that I’m staying at your house, I don’t know what you’re gonna think of me” I say as a joke but deep down I do want to give him a good impression and as much as I would love to rip his clothes off right now, 

“It's kind of stupid If I thought anything bad about you y/n. I hope you know I’m very excited that you’re here right now. Just knowing we get to be a few more minutes together is already giving me a rush”

I look at him and he’s standing there, looking so handsome in this light, the air feeling heavy. I move to the sofa, sitting there first as he follows me around inside his own house. He turns on the TV and we’re sitting there like dummies, watching whatever is on. I am nervous, the expectation growing more and more each second. 

“what the hell are we doing?” Jake says as he’s getting closer to me, facing me as I’m resting my back on the couch. When he’s just inches away from my lips, Layla jumps on the sofa, right in between us. 

“Layla! you scared me, fuck” Jake moves to the other side of the sofa, being attacked by Layla’s kisses. I laugh from the other side, the view so endearing I almost forgot he’s just a Tinder date and this will end soon.

“Do you want me to lend you some clothes to sleep in? A T-shirt and some shorts perhaps?” Jake is standing right in front of me, waiting for my answer, looking for an excuse to get out of Layla’s insistence. 

“yes, thank you! where’s the bathroom by the way? I need to take my make-up off” I get up fast as he walks to his bedroom to pick up the clothes. 

“It’s here, hold on… let me give you the clothes so you can change. I also have make-up remover in the cabinet” Jake rumbles around his closet and comes back with a white t-shirt with a logo on it and some Nike shorts, handing them to me. 

When I finished changing and getting my make-up off I glanced at myself in the mirror. I look so bare in this look, just how I would look at the solitude of my own house. It’s kinda crazy that this is how I choose to show myself in front of my date, who I have known for just a few hours. I guess Jake has something that just makes me blindly trust him. 

As I’m coming out of the bathroom I hear the TV, the volume turned down so it’s low. When I walk into the living room, Jake is lying on the couch with a tight t-shirt and grey sweatpants. Layla lies right next to him, looking adorable with her fluffy fur. He looks a bit sleepy but as I walk into his sight, he opens his eyes and gets up. 

“Do you want to watch a movie or something? I don’t sleep too much so I always stay up late watching TV. Right now there’s this 50’s romantic movie, I don’t know if you would like it” Jake looks at me as I’m standing there, his eyes trying not to look at my nipples, visible through the t-shirt he gave me. I’m also quite careful not to get caught looking at his bulge, way too noticeable in those sweats.

“I don’t care really, it’s just background noise to me” I say as I’m sitting next to him, he grabs my hands and pulls me in between his legs. His big hands hold mine as he looks at me in the eyes, the TV light illuminating his face in a beautiful blue. He looks mesmerizing, so much so that I can’t hold myself any longer and I kiss him. His sweet, plump lips capture mine with the same intensity as mine, gasping for air every time we separate. 

Jake grabs the back of my thighs and sits me on his lap, his hands groping my ass and massaging it. I feel an overwhelming heat on my cheeks, all the pent-up neediness flowing out from us. He wanted this as much as I did. It’s surreal a man like this would want me so bad. 

“Baby, let’s go to the bedroom” Jake says in between kisses as he picks me up from his lap and takes me to his bedroom. I’m not thinking about anything else right now but his lips, his hands and the burning pain I’m feeling in my groin, growing worse each second I feel no relief. 

When we get to the bedroom, Jake throws me onto the bed, closing the door behind him. The bedroom is nicely decorated, filled with blue and wood. Seeing the details of how he chooses to decorate his house gives me more knowledge about him, filling in the gaps of the missing info I have about him. As I’m laying there, he moves swiftly to the side of the bed, where he turns on a bedside lamp. Lights on tonight I guess. 

“Tell me what you like baby, I’m all ears” Jake is standing right at the feet of the bed, in front of me lying in his bed. Many dirty thoughts go through my head, and I could ask for many favours. I don’t have words to describe how bothered I am by his presence, getting hornier with every second he spends waiting for me to voice my desires. 

“take your t-shirt off, slowly. And then take mine” I ask, not much but just enough for now. Jake doesn’t say a word, he just follows. Grabs the hem of his t-shirt and peels it off, showing his defined abs and honey skin. His hair is messy now and his eyes are fixed on the t-shirt he lent me, planning on taking it off as soon as possible. From where he stands he grabs my ankles and pulls me to the edge of the bed, my feet touching the floor and sitting there like a doll. His hands are placed on my waist under the t-shirt, caressing my body as he pushes it up, arms up and for a second I get struck when I get to see his face again, both of us semi-naked and getting more and more desperate for what’s about to happen. 

“Tell me, princess, what else do you want me to do?” Jake is almost touching my lips with his, the kiss from before hitting my mind and leaving me desperate for another one. I pull him by his neck onto my lips, clashing hard as we lay on the bed, him on top of me. As we are kissing, his hand snakes up to the pants that I’m wearing, pulling them slowly, leaving me completely naked. I waste no time and do the same to him, unsuccessfully though. He stops me and breaks the kiss, taking them off himself. My sight is indescribable, his naked body bathed by the warm light of the lamp and desire burning in his eyes. 

My hands travel from his shoulders to his hip bone, feeling the softness of his skin and his body heat. I touch his member, now hard and red, and Jake hisses at the feeling. I give it slow strokes, enjoying how his eyebrows stitch up and his mouth can only moan and whimper just cause of my touch. As I start going faster, he falls on his back on the bed, giving me full access to now suck him off. I get on top of him and slowly start with my tongue, tiny licks to the top and getting my saliva all around it. When it’s covered I put it all in my mouth, bottom it thanks to Jake pushing my head all the way down. He’s grabbing the back of my head, trying to regain some control over the situation but he’s very obviously gone. When he starts whining and whimpering I know he’s right there, going faster. He tries to stop me but fails miserably, cumming all in my mouth and face. 

“wow, you’re going strong y/n, I don’t know if I can keep up with you” he lays there breathing heavily as I’m cleaning my face, his sight lost on the ceiling. “Well the ball’s on your court now, how are you gonna pay me for the best blowjob you’ve received in your entire life?” I say cockily as I get close to his face. His eyes look at me, foggy and lost in lust and suddenly I see a spark in them, knowing instantly he has gotten an idea on how he’s gonna pay me. 

“Sit on my face, you’ve won it” Jake grabs my leg and gets it on the other side of his body, now I’m straddling his ribcage. His hands push me by my hips closer to his head, my hands grabbing the headboard so I don’t fall. I can feel Jake’s warm breath on my pussy, his plump lips just inches away from my heat. I feel his wet tongue first, circling around my clit and giving kitten licks as I’m desperately trying to not sit down on his head and choke him. When he starts using his tongue, lapping my folds with hunger I can’t control my sounds any longer and start moaning like I’m possessed. His lips feeling so good and skillfully mixing his mouth with two fingers I come fast on his face, losing all my strength and falling back onto the bed with his head still between my legs. A few minutes pass and I feel Jake getting up and moving my body by my ankles, placing me in the middle of the bed. 

“Did that feel good baby? I’ve never seen anyone react like that… it was so hot I also came with you, twice tonight already. And I haven’t even been inside you yet” Jake’s hair looks messy and sexy, especially knowing it’s because of our recent activities. His lips are even plumper if possible and a layer of sweat covers his chest and abs. I sit up and touch his body instinctively, caressing his hip bone and looking at him in the eyes. 

“Bend over baby” his strong arms flip me over, getting me on all fours. His eyes went straight to my drenched and pulsating pussy, placing himself right on my entrance. “Mhmm, it felt so good Jake…fuck I can’t take it any longer, please… just fuck me already”

He moves slowly, for a second unsure if he should be doing this, but when he stretches me so good that I moan loudly, his movements go crazy, railing me like an animal, his hair all stuck to his forehead and his eyes shut, trying to keep up with the pace. He bites his fist but is to no avail as moans just escape from his mouth, his movements going erratic and losing focus. I feel the bed move like it’s gonna break, my moans have become screams at this point and I’m lost in the feeling, my hair all over my face and sweat sticking the sheets onto my body. 

“Jake, Jake, I’m going to… I can’t hold it anymore… I’m gonna…” can’t even say a whole sentence, the feeling not letting me think properly as all I feel like the heat in my tummy is gonna explode at any second. 

“Do it, c’mon baby, I want to see you come on my dick, let it go…” Jake takes one of his hands to my clit, massaging it and making me come in seconds. I lose sight for a second, everything is blurry as I hear Jake moan loudly, coming inside me and falling on top of me. His head on my chest, I hug his head as we both recover our breaths, the moment feeling so intimate I can’t stop myself from giving him a kiss on the forehead.

I’m pretty sure we fell asleep like that for like fifteen minutes, hugging each other as all we had was each other’s body heat to keep warm. I wake up by the sound of scratching on the bedroom door, obviously being Leyla waiting for his owner to give her food. Jake gets up from top of me and walks to the door, closing it behind him as soon as Leyla starts jumping excitedly. I’m left there quite sad, missing how close we were just a few seconds ago. 

“Hey, sorry, I forgot to put water in Leyla’s bowl before and she was quite thirsty. But hey, I just turned the water on, do you want to take a bath? It’s probably hot by now” Jake is sitting on the border of the bed, caressing my tummy as I’m still too tired to get up. I look at him and feel a sense of dreadness, I don’t wanna lose whatever we have right now between each other. Leaving his house today could mean this is over, that we’re just a one-night stand for each other and that’s it.

I take his hand and he lifts me up from the bed, lending me a bathrobe so I don’t get cold on the way to the bathroom. when we get there, there’s a few candles lighten up and the whole room smells like lavender, calming and cozy. 

“Get in the bathtub, I’ll prepare some towels for when we get out” I step inside the bathtub, the warm water soothing my body from the intense workout. Jake gets into the bathtub and we’re sitting there looking at each other, just like we were at the restaurant earlier. I almost feel like crying, so I close my eyes and push my head back to rest on the wall.

“Are you good? you look super tired” Jake asks, but I don’t feel like answering right now or my voice will break. So he sits there, reaching for my hand and worried I’m actually in pain. But the pain it’s not physical, and I wish he had just let me go to my house by taxi today. I feel like shit right now, enjoying the last minutes of the most beautiful date I’ve ever been on. 

“Did I do something wrong? Are you hurt anywhere?” His tone was serious and worried, his eyes fixated on my face. I open my eyes and it’s obvious that I’m on the verge of tears, my eyes watery and red. 

“It’s okay, I’m just a bit tired, today has been a long day for me” 

“I don’t believe you, I don’t think that’s what’s happening. You looked so happy a few minutes ago coming on my dick, and now you’re tired? Do you think I’m gonna believe that? Please tell me what’s going on”

Jake sounds mad at me, scared that now everything’s done I’m acting so cold towards him. I can’t tell him the truth, it is so embarrassing and delusional that I might scare him off. 

“It’s okay Jake, I just need to go home and sleep a little bit. I had fun don’t be mistaken, but I think is time I go back to my bed and keep on going with my life” I come off as a bitch, looking for a way out of this conversation that was gonna end by me ridiculizing myself in front of the hottest man I know. If I give him the idea that I’m always up for something casual I might get to see him again. 

“I don’t know what the fuck has happened for you to say this, but if you want to sleep here I have no issue with it if that’s what you’re worried about. I thought we had a great time tonight, maybe I’ve been a bit rough or you didn’t feel comfortable with me… I don’t know if you’re under the impression that I have used you to have sex but you couldn’t be more mistaken”

There’s an uncomfortable silence, the only sounds being the distant sound of the TV in the living room and Leyla walking around the house outside the bathroom door. I look at him and his eyes are lost, a hundred thoughts going through his head, trying to find where it went wrong tonight.

“It’s not that I didn’t like it, I actually hadn’t had this much fun in a long time. I guess I’m a bit sensitive since it was a bit too… intimate. Like, this is just a hookup, I shouldn’t be feeling this way about what we have done but… I wish It had meant more for the both of us”

“Listen y/n, it’s been a long time since I’ve gone on a date. I was very excited to go with you tonight since I thought we had great chemistry on our back-and-forth texts. I do feel different about you than I have felt about any other woman I have talked to on that damn app…”

I look at him and his arms are resting on each side of the bathtub, his skin glistening and a perfect view of his chest. It makes me crave for a hug in the comfort of his embrace. 

“I like you more than I thought I would so early into knowing each other. I have enjoyed this night with you so much that’s gonna screw me up forever, being honest” I confess, my head turned to the wall so I don’t see his reaction to such a statement. 

I don’t have to look at him, his arms grabbing mine and getting me closer to him. His lips on mine, so fierce and hungry, I’ve lost control of the situation and now I’m just being french kissed as water splashes everywhere, my legs on each side of his lap.

“Me too…  I felt like a dumbass, being so intense… I don’t wanna let you go, ever” his kisses move to my neck and chest, and my hands can’t do much but hold his hair on my fist as I try not to moan too loudly at 4 a.m.

The next morning I lay there, on his bed. The sheets are everywhere, victims of our last night endeavours. A subtle smell of coffee and toasted bread comes into the bedroom, getting me up instantly and wandering to the kitchen. 

There he is, early morning with wet hair from the shower and a clean black t-shirt and grey sweatpants. Layla runs around the kitchen, excited about her breakfast just as I am. When I walk into his vision, Jake looks at me with the brightest smile and comes to hug me, kissing my head and caressing my back. 

“Good morning baby, did you rest well?” his warmth irradiating through his t-shirt and feeling incredibly comforting.

“Yeah I did, I haven’t slept this well in a long time” I snuggle on his chest, his arms reaching for the frypan and moving it aside, so the scrambled eggs don’t burn. 

When we’re done with the breakfast, a long silence between us arises. It’s comfortable but at the same time, it scares me that it'll make us talk about our feelings. Thankfully Layla jumps on my lap, wanting to play with me. If this ends I’m also gonna miss her and I just met her. 

“Damn, Layla has never acted like this with anyone before, it’s crazy… She likes you a lot. It's just like she has accepted you’re her mom or something haha” Jake says, fascinated by how his dog is acting towards a total stranger to her, like she has known me since forever.  

“So… does Layla need a mom?”

“Yeah, her dad needs a mom too” Jake looks at me and we start laughing, filling the house with the sound of our laughter, the smell of toast and a happy Layla, who gets to have a mom from that day on.

[creative-heart]

I'd like to request something cute 😘

I'm extremely insecure (that's why I request anonymously 🫥), especially when it comes to deserving to be loved and my body 🙄 and I'd love to read something that kinda "fits my personality".

Two ideas, love to read both but feel free to choose one.

Happy ending desperately needed! 😭😍

1. She's just a normal girl and loves Enzo (maybe they're friends or neighbors or whatever you'd like) but is afraid to tell him because she's too insecure, self doubting, overthinking, thinks she'll never be "good enough" for him because she's not like the perfect model he may be following in Instagram or the beautiful actress he was filming with... rest is up to you.

2. They're together and she believes Enzo deserves someone better... more beautiful, smarter, thinner, someone who's perfect like he is. And he reassures her that she IS perfect for him.

❤️

Awe my sweet sweet Nonnie! I feel honored that you've sent these requests my way, I'm happy to write both!

First of, I'm sorry to read you feel this way, we're all deserving of love! and I know and hope that you'll find the love you deserve soon enough! 😘😘🥰🥰

Here's the first prompt! I really hope I've made it justice and that you enjoy reading it! keep your eyes peeled for the second one! will be posted right after this one 💞💞

Drabble for prompt 2 Here

"Hot summer days"| Enzo Vogrincic

T.W: Just a whole lot of fluff with a tiny reference to something shmexy.

Word Count: 581

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N and Enzo have been neighbors their whole lives, and with your moms being close friends, you’ve grown up together, spending almost every single waking moment together, practically the same time you’ve been in love with him. Specially on summers like now, when the families usually go on a beach trip together. Even with him being all famous and well known now, he always takes the time to come on these fun times.

As you sit on one of the lounge chairs by the pool reading your current romance novel, third one on this trip alone, swim cover still on -you’ve always felt insecure about your body being slightly curvier than the magazine covers say it’s on trend, not like you’re not absolutely gorgeous inside and out, your curves are all placed on the perfect places, making your body breathtaking, you’ve never believed your mom and Enzo’s when they said so-, you take your eyes off the book for a brief moment seeing the tall dark handsome man, climbing out of the pool and you can swear he’s moving in slow motion like on those perfume ads. He shakes his hair trying to get the excess water off it and makes his way over to you “Hey chiquita, you’re not gonna get in the pool? it’s so hot today” The older one says as he’s a few years older than you.

You look back up at him as you had gone back to pretending you were reading just before he looked at you “I don’t think so En, I’m good here, reading my book in the shade” you smile softly a light blush covering your cheeks, really not feeling comfortable with being in your swimsuit around him, believing he’d just laugh at you as you’re nothing like those gorgeous, tall thin models he’s been surrounded by as of late. As you’re about to go back to your book you see the cheeky devilish grin plastering across his face, same one he had when he was a boy coming up with his next mischief. 

“None of that bullshit” he puts your book down and picks you up in his arms with extreme ease walking to the pool.

“No! put me down Enzo, please!” you plead kicking your legs and taking a go at his back as you shriek being over his shoulder, holding your breath just as he jumps into the deep end of the pool. He gently puts you down from where you rest, still holding you close to his body as you can’t reach the bottom on this end of the water. Your eyes find his deep chocolate eyes and you smile softly saying quietly “You’re mean Vogrincic, you know that?” the blush a deep read staining your cheeks.

He looks down at you smiling a smile you had never seen on him before, as he leans down to join his lips to yours in a soft, long awaited kiss. You can tell by the way his lips feel on yours there’s been anticipation and longing for this moment, as he pulls you even closer to his body if that’s humanly possible, your hands wrapping around his neck. When your lungs burn for a new breath you pull away just enough as he rests his forehead against yours whispering “you look real nice all wet chiqui”, the once playful smirk much darker and promising. And then you understand, sometimes, you need to let your guard down in order to be seen.

[stardustshelb]

"If It Kills Me" - Jake One Shot

TW: Language. Your name (female) + Jake. 6,339 words.

The song "If It Kills Me" by Jason Mraz inspired me to write this story; each part of the story is inspired by a different part of the song.

Part One

"It would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face,

To know that I know that you know now.

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking.

You know nothing." - JM

You’re sending me one-worded texts. You’re probably busy. At least that’s what I’m telling myself because why else would you be responding like you’re mad at me? I haven’t done anything to make you angry. If you knew I was spiraling and overthinking like this, you’d probably throw in an emoji, a gif, something to ease my mind. I decided to stop dwelling on the “ok” and “lol” replies and put my phone away. I’m clearly distracted and the last thing I need is Danny getting angry if I throw the tempo off again. 

“Let’s run through that one more time,” Josh said into the microphone. I normally am the serious one who takes control of our practices, but I wasn’t feeling it today. We were going on four hours of rehearsal for our upcoming tour. I was exhausted because I stayed up too late, but that’s the sacrifice you make when the love of your life lives in a different time zone. I listened to Danny count us in, “One, two, three, four,” and began playing my guitar. I tried to focus on the music but thoughts of you kept creeping in. 

When rehearsal finally ended, I checked my phone hoping to see your name on my screen. Nope. You left me on read. Thousands of notifications plague my screen but the one notification I was looking for was nonexistent. I started replaying the last parts of our conversation last night; if you were mad at me for something I said, I truly couldn’t remember. I put my phone in my back pocket and finished packing my stuff up for the day. We had to be back bright and early tomorrow, so thankfully I didn’t have to pack up all of my pedals and amps.

“What are you doing tonight?” Sam asked as he held out a ruby grapefruit White Claw to me. 

“It’s barely 2:00 in the afternoon, man,” I said as I waved his offer away. “Uh, I’m probably going to take it easy tonight and stay in.”

“That’s what you did last night,” Sam said as he shifted his weight to his other foot. He was clearly bummed that I wasn’t up for hanging out.

“Yeah, well, I’m trying to savor my nights at home before I spend them all on the road,” I said with a shrug. I loved touring and playing music more than anything, but I also loved sleeping in my own bed. I just wished you were here to share it with me.

“If you change your mind, call me,” he said as he placed the unopened White Claw down near my boot. He walked away before I could respond. I stared at the can and then grabbed it before walking out to the parking lot. 

When I got home, I took a quick shower and laid on the couch scrolling through the pictures in my camera roll. Our social media team has made several remarks lately that my Instagram was too “dry” and our fans were begging for more content from me. I never really pay much attention to the demands of keeping up an online presence on social media. I scrolled back to March of this year and smiled as I looked at the pictures from our quick trip to the beach. It was the last time we were able to spend time together as just the two of us. We spent four days secluded from the outside world in a condo in Santa Barbara. It was the highlight of my year. I found a picture you took of me when I was staring out into the sunset. My jeans were rolled up to my shins to keep from getting wet as the waves rolled in. I remember the water was so cold I thought my toes were going to turn black. You don’t smoke anymore, but you took a hit (or two) on the joint hanging out of my mouth. I didn’t know you took the picture of me at the time, but I’m thankful you did. If only you knew that at that moment I was cursing the sun for leaving and robbing us of another day together. 

The night passed by quickly. I still hadn’t heard from you and I was trying not to worry. It wasn’t like we were always in constant contact with our busy work schedules, but you should have texted me by now. I was fighting my eyelids to stay awake. I knew you had been working night shifts at the hospital recently, but I knew you were off. Our three-hour time difference really made things difficult for my sleep schedule. While it was almost 2 a.m. for me, I knew you would be awake and scrolling through your plethora of social media apps before getting ready for bed. 

I had an idea that normally worked when I needed a desperate way to grab your attention. I opened my Instagram app for the first time in weeks and hit the plus sign to make a post. I scrolled back to the picture you took of me on the beach and typed the caption, “The fleeting daylight gave me liberation though I longed for staying a captive on the sand.” I hit send and waited for the trap I set to work. I knew you had my Instagram notifications turned on.

I chuckled as I read the comments from fans who always posted the most unhinged shit. Even though my motive was to get a response from you, I still enjoyed reading the interesting comments. And as if I knew you better than you knew yourself, I suddenly was on the receiving end of your FaceTime call. 

“Hey,” I said as I propped the phone up on the pillow next to me. I fought the urge to display a smug smile.

“You have a typo in your Instagram caption,” you said. You had a toothbrush hanging out the side of your mouth and your hair was wrapped up in a towel. 

“Do I?” I asked, playing dumb. Any time I needed a response from you, posting a typo on social media worked 9 times out of 10. Josh just thinks I’m an idiot at this point.

“It doesn’t even make sense,” you said as you leaned down to spit off camera. 

“Fine, I’ll fix it,” I said as I reopened the app to make an edit to the caption. 

“You could have at least given me photographer credits,” you said. I fixed the typo and opened your FaceTime back so I could see your beautiful face full screen. You weren’t paying me any attention as you were doing your nighttime skincare routine. I didn’t care because I was still able to admire you. 

“You and I both know the insanity that would ensue if I tagged you in anything,” I said with a sigh. 

“That’s true,” you said.

“I miss the beach,” I said but fought to replace beach with the word you. Though, you would have seen it all over my face if you were looking at me. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t talk much today,” you said.

“I was beginning to think you were mad at me,” I admitted. 

“Why would I be mad at you?” you asked as you suddenly stopped rubbing moisturizer into your skin. You stopped looking at yourself in the mirror and stared at your phone–stared at me. I tried to remember what I was saying.

“I–uh–well, you know, you didn’t respond for hours, and uh, when you did, it was um–” I knew I was tripping over my words. I felt my face getting warm because I was flustered.

“I’m not mad at you, Jake. At least not at the moment,” you said with a wink. 

“You know I get into my head sometimes,” I said as I smoothed my hair back.

“Better than anyone. Ok, well, I wanted to pop on real quick to tell you good night,” you said. I could tell you were about to wrap up the call. I hated saying goodbye but I needed to sleep too. 

“Good night, y/n” I said as I watched you finish drying your hair.

“Good night, Jake,” you said before hanging up.

“I love you,” remained silently on my lips. 

Part Two

"Well you and I,

Why, we go carrying on for hours on end.

We get along much better,

Than you and your boyfriend." - JM

“You look like shit,” Josh said. Once again, another sleepless night robbed me of any rest and relaxation before another full morning of rehearsal. Thoughts of you mixed with anticipation for the new tour had my mind racing.

“Yeah, well, we’re twins,” I said as I stirred my coffee. “So, I guess you look like shit too.” I was fighting the urge to add a little whiskey to it if this was how practice was going to go. 

“This is the last practice of the week, so let’s not fuck around and waste any time today,” he added.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I questioned. I didn’t like what he was implying.

“It means get your head out of your ass and finish your coffee so we can get started,” he said. I could sense Josh was angry about something, but there was no telling with him. The smallest inconvenience could set him off. I bit my tongue and let him have his moment of misdirected anger. I finished my cup of coffee and started to plug in my guitar.

“Yesterday we stopped after ‘Frozen Light’ so let’s move on through the rest of the set list,” I said.

“Well, then you’re plugging in the wrong guitar,” Josh said. Confused, I glanced at the taped setlist on my side of the stage and realized our B stage performance was next. 

“Oh, yeah,” I said.

“You would know that if you paid any attention yesterday,” Josh said under his breath.

“What the fuck is your problem this morning?” I asked.

“Guys,” Sam said as he stepped in to diffuse the situation. That’s what the three of us did. Whoever was the one outside of the conflict always stepped in to help calm the other two down. But truth be told, it was normally Sam who worked as the middle man. “I’m not acting as the rope for your game of tug-of-war today.” My heart strings pulled a little for my younger brother as I threw my cup of coffee in the trash.

Rehearsal went by a lot quicker today than it did yesterday. I’m sure it was because anger fueled me not to waste a single moment of time so I didn’t have to be here any longer than I had to be. I was looking forward to a couple days off. I wondered if I could make a quick trip to California to see you this weekend. 

“Hey,” I heard Josh’s voice from behind me. I continued to pack up my stuff instead of turning around to face him.

“I’m sorry, Jake,” he said. I stopped messing with my cords and sighed before turning around.

“It’s ok,” I said when I met his eyes.

“I’m stressed about the tour and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you,” he said. Any ounce of anger I had instantly evaporated. I could tell he needed a hug so I pulled him in. Normally he was the one to initiate physical contact, but I knew what he needed.

“Are you sticking around here for the weekend?” I asked as I let go of our embrace.

“I’m not sure. What about you?” Josh responded.

“I may explore the west coast for a couple days,” I said, rubbing my chin.

“Jake…” Josh’s voice sounded like a warning.

“What?” I asked. He sighed and shook his head, clearly not saying what he wanted to say.

“Tell y/n I said hi,” he said.

“I never said I was going to see her,” I said.

“You didn’t have to,” he added.

“It’s not a good weekend,” you said. Your words immediately broke my heart and I struggled to hold the phone in my hand. I called to see if I could come stay and visit because I hadn’t seen you in nearly three months.

“I thought you said you were off most of this week,” I said, trying to mask the sadness in my voice.

“I am,” you said.

“So why can’t I come? I miss the beach. I miss you,” the words escaped my mouth before I realized it.

“I have plans this weekend,” you said. I could tell you didn’t want to volunteer any more information and that I was going to have to ask to get any details.

“One day on the beach with me is all I ask,” I practically begged.

“Nathan and I are going out of town,” you said. There it was. The reason you were being so short and vague. You knew how I felt about him; I just wish you knew how I felt about you.

“He’s still around?” I asked.

“Jake, I’m not having this conversation again,” you said. I could hear the frustration in your voice.

“Where are you guys going?” I asked. I really didn’t want to know any details because I didn’t want to think about Nathan any more than I had to. I was struggling to play nice.

“He’s taking me to his parents’ house in Malibu,” you said. I felt my chest tighten.

“You’re meeting his parents?” I asked.

“Yes, Jake. Is that ok with you?” you asked sarcastically. 

“You know you don’t need my permission for anything. I can’t say the same for Nathan,” I added. I tasted the bitterness of my insult. You didn’t immediately respond so I knew my words made an impact. I then heard you speaking but I couldn’t tell what you were saying. The sound was muffled as if your hand was covering the phone.

“Hello?” I asked. I continued listening to the muffled conversation and realized he was currently there with you. I couldn’t make out what you two were saying but I was growing more and more frustrated by the second. “Y/n?” I asked again, hoping for a response, but I continued to sit on the metaphorical back burner.

“Sorry about that,” you said. “Hey, I’ve got to finish packing but I will call you tomorrow.”

“Sure, of course. I will talk to you tomorrow,” I said as you ended the call.

I made myself a drink and debated calling one of the guys to come over and hangout. It was only 8:00 p.m. but I felt the exhaustion from the last two days taking its toll on me. Well, the tequila in my drink probably didn’t help. I figured I should take advantage of some extra hours of sleep. I polished off my glass and slowly shuffled to my bedroom. I put my phone on the charger and collapsed into my bed. For once, I didn’t have to lie awake as I slowly sunk into the pillow.

Part Three

"How long, can I go on like this,

Wishing to kiss you

Before I rightly explode?

Well this double life I lead isn't healthy for me.

In fact, it makes me nervous.

If I get caught, I could be risking it all." - JM

I didn’t realize that I slept for over 14 hours when I rolled over to check the time on my phone. Both my body and my mind really needed to rest. I scrolled through the notifications on my screen with tired eyes until I spotted two missed calls from you. As if you were a shot of espresso, I was immediately awake. You didn’t leave me a voicemail but you had called me at what would be 1 a.m. your time. I sat up straight and nervously called you back.

“Hello?” you answered on the first ring. Your voice sounded strange.

“Hey, I’m sorry I missed your calls last night. What’s going on?” I asked.

“If you’re still wanting to come to California, I’m free,” you said.

“I’ll be on the next flight,” I said as I hurried to get out of bed. 

“Thanks, Jake,” you said. I could tell you were on the verge of tears, so I decided not to press for any details yet. We could talk it out once I got there.

I landed in Santa Barbara just after 7 p.m. and headed through the small California airport. It was surprisingly easy finding a last-minute flight, but it wasn’t easy getting through the airport. Even today, I am still taken aback by the attention I receive from fans. I texted you to find out where to meet you and made my way down the escalator. I was only staying for two nights so I threw everything I needed into my backpack. I can travel light. I waited outside and kept my head down until I saw your car rolling up. To my surprise, Nathan was in the passenger seat. I felt sick. You immediately jumped out of the car and ran straight to me. I wanted to pick you up and spin you around, but I knew that would not make a great first impression with your boyfriend.

“I’m so happy to see you!” you squealed as I lingered in your welcoming embrace. Everything I had planned to say to you was no longer relevant now that he was here. 

“I’m happy to be here,” I said as you finally let go. I could feel Nathan staring at us but I kept my eyes locked on your beautiful face. Your naturally long eyelashes fluttered and I swore I stopped breathing.

“Are you hungry?” you asked.

“Famished, actually,” I said, realizing all I’ve eaten today were the free snacks the airline gives you. 

“Good because I made lasagna,” you said as you stood on your tiptoes.

“Did you follow your famous recipe?” I asked.

“From a box?” you asked with a laugh.

“Shh, we pretend, remember?” I asked. Before you could respond, we both jumped at the sound of your car horn. Nathan’s impatience seemed to get the best of him. I grinded my teeth before taking a deep breath. So much for first impressions.

“Come on,” you said as you rolled your eyes and laughed. I relaxed my fingers, which I didn’t realize were balled up into a fist, before following you to your car. I slid into the backseat and channeled my inner Josh so I could act like I was excited about meeting Nathan.

“Hey, man. I’m Jake,” I said, sticking my arm out to shake his hand. He turned around and looked at me like I was covered in dirt. 

“Hello, Jake,” he said, finally grabbing my hand unenthusiastically. “I’m Dr. Turner.” Give me a break. You got into the car and smiled when you saw us shaking hands.

“Oh good, I didn’t have to do the introductions,” you said with a wink.

I learned your weekend trip to Malibu was canceled when Nathan–or Dr. Turner–found out he needed to be on call at the hospital last minute. I could tell you were disappointed, but I’m not sure if that was the reason you sounded like you were crying on the phone this morning. I made a mental note to ask you about it when we had some privacy. I knew Nathan was staying for dinner but I was praying to whatever God who was listening that he wouldn’t be staying the night as well. I needed alone time with you. 

When we got back to your place, I made my way to your guest room to put my backpack up. I checked in with the guys to let them know I had made it safely to your place. I guess news of me being in California was all over Twitter and Instagram because our social media manager sent me screenshots of some pictures I took with fans in the airport. I knew we’d have to lay low now that I was here to keep your identity hidden. The last thing you or I needed were pictures of us circulating online with rumors. I started to make my way out of the bedroom when I stopped in the doorway. I could hear you and Nathan having what sounded like an argument, and I didn’t want to interrupt. I leaned in closer to the hallway to eavesdrop.

“He can’t get a hotel room?” Nathan asked.

“I’m not making my best friend stay in a hotel,” you said as you closed the oven door.

“He can afford it,” he said with a scoff.

“I don’t concern myself with other people’s finances, Nathan. You know that. People could say the same thing about me dating a doctor,” you said. I rolled my eyes.

“I just don’t like the idea of another guy staying the night with you,” he said.

“He’s not staying with me. He’s sleeping in another room. Plus I’ve known Jake almost my entire life. It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve slept under the same roof,” you said.

“I would feel more comfortable if I were here too,” he said. I felt my blood start to boil. 

“Please trust me, Nathan. I’ve never given you a reason not to,” you said. I couldn’t handle listening any longer so I made my way out of the hallway and walked into the kitchen. When you saw me, you pulled away from Nathan. I’m not sure if you noticed–but both he and I did. I���m sure that unconscious movement only fueled his insecurities even more. 

Dinner went better than one would expect. It appears everyone–including myself–is a great actor. One would have never guessed Nathan didn’t want me there with the way he was asking me questions about my life with the band. If I didn’t know half of what I already knew about him, I’d think he was a pretty good guy. You beamed watching the two of us converse. I gazed at your full lips across the table as they broke into a smile. I wanted nothing more than to kiss them. 

“Nothing like a home-cooked meal,” you said with a laugh. I gave you a soft smile.

“Stouffer’s is a specialty with this one,” Nathan said, pulling you into a side hug. “I’m hoping she’ll learn her way around a kitchen eventually.”

“I will take anything that’s not fast food at this point,” I said. I stared at the glass mason jar of strawberry lemonade you so kindly made AKA mixed Crystal Light with water. I knew you had a busy schedule at the hospital and worked so hard as a nurse. And I knew you had to fend a lot for yourself growing up. I was just proud that you made a life for yourself and lived unapologetically. I didn’t care that you never took an interest in cooking. You never tried to be anyone but yourself and I loved that about you.

“Well, it would be nice to have something that wasn’t full of preservatives every once in a while,” Nathan said with a laugh. I looked up to meet his eyes and if looks could kill, he’d be a goner. You sensed my sudden change in mood and laughed at his joke–a laugh that you and I both knew was fake and forced.

“I’m a great cook, actually. What about you Nathan?” I said.

“A man’s place doesn’t belong in the kitchen. Plus, I’m too busy with surgeries and–” he was saying.

“The 1900s called. They want their sexist views back,” I joked. You let out a wild laugh, one that was so not fake. I watched Nathan squirm in his seat before forcing a smile. Before he could respond, the ringing of his work phone distracted us.

“Great,” he muttered before excusing himself from the table. When he was out of the room, you and I locked eyes and you started that wild laugh again.

“Jacob Thomas Kiszka, you are horrible,” you said. I loved when you used my full name.

“What kind of backwards ideology is that?” I asked. I wasn’t joking anymore.

“He was raised differently,” you said, smoothing the napkin in your lap. 

“Does he call his mom Mother? Be honest,” I said, biting my lip to keep from laughing.

“Jake…” you said.

“Holy shit, he does!” I exclaimed. We both were laughing hysterically when Nathan came back into the room.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“Jake just told me a funny story,” you said nervously.

“I like to laugh,” Nathan said as he joined us at the table.

“Do you have to leave, darling?” you asked. I could taste the bile in my throat after hearing you call him that.

“Yeah, here in a second. I want to hear this hilarious story first,” he said as he met my stare.

“It’s really an inside joke. You wouldn’t–” you started.

“I’m waiting,” Nathan said, not breaking my eye contact. Just then, I fantasized about stabbing him in the neck with the fork in my hand. 

“I was telling y/n the story about how Josh–that’s my brother–sometimes acts in his diva persona,” I was trying to come up with something on the fly. I’m sure anyone with a brain would know I was lying, but I kept going. “And when he’s this super bitch–his words–he makes life hell for us all.”

“And that’s…funny?” Nathan asked.

“If you knew him, yes,” I said. 

“Right. Well, I’ve been called in for surgery. Another with cirrhosis of the liver. They’re a dime a dozen nowadays,” Nathan said. It was hard to believe he was talking about another human life. I wouldn’t want someone who didn’t see value in another person’s soul operating on me. He wouldn’t give a shit if I lived or died. I’d be just another body on the operating table to him. “That’s why I’ve encouraged y/n to stop drinking. Nasty stuff. Jake, you should consider it too.”

“Thanks for the medical advice, doc,” I said.

“I’m serious. Alcohol is poison. But then again, so are all of the preservatives we consume in our instant lemonades and frozen lasagnas, so what the hell do I know?” he laughed. Nobody laughed along with him this time.

“I’ll walk you out,” you said as you pushed yourself away from the table. I wasn’t sure if you were needing a break from yet another one of his passive aggressive insults, or if you were trying to get him away from me before I did something that would put me behind bars for the rest of my life.

Part Four

"If I should be so bold,

I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

I'd tell you from the start how I longed to be your man.

But I never said a word,

I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again." - JM

We spent the rest of the evening sitting on your couch and catching up. We talked every day but having this time with you in person felt completely different. You wanted to know everything about our new tour and I could feel the excitement radiating off of you. 

“Will you be there opening night?” I asked.

“You know I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” you said. “I have a confession.”

“Oh?” I asked as I moved closer to you. 

“I have a bottle of tequila stashed in the cabinet above the refrigerator,” you whispered.

“You know how I feel about alcohol, and don’t even get me started on preservatives,” I said sarcastically. You threw a pillow at me before jumping up to grab it. I watched you climb on top of your kitchen counter to be able to reach your hidden contraband. You jumped down off the counter and ran back to join me on the couch with the forbidden bottle of tequila tucked under your arm.

“If you can guess my favorite song off the new album, I will take a shot. If you get it wrong, you have to take a shot,” you said, holding the bottle out to me. 

“So I have a 90% chance of taking a shot,” I said, raising an eyebrow.

“The odds are definitely in my favor,” you said with a laugh. I studied your face for a moment. I wanted to tell you how you were the inspiration for my most favorite song that I’ve ever written. Josh heard it once and knew it belonged on the album. I wanted to explain how my time on the beach with you earlier this year inspired the story behind the song. Every word, every line to the song “Waited All Your Life” was written about you. You were the song. But how could I ever admit that?

“Runway Blues?” I guessed. I knew it wouldn’t be it. And for a moment, I swear a look of disappointment flashed across your face for a brief moment.

“Nope! Take a shot!” you said as you proudly held the bottle to me.

“What was the right answer?” I asked as I unscrewed the lid. I put the bottle to my lips and wondered when it touched yours last. 

“‘Waited All Your Life’ is my favorite,” you said with a soft smile. I felt my chest tighten at your admission and took a shot of tequila straight from the bottle. 

“Mine too,” I said so quietly I wondered if you even heard me. “Hey, can we go to the beach tomorrow? Just the two of us?” 

“Yeah, that sounds perfect,” you said as you grabbed the bottle from me. You took a shot and I envied the bottle that got to kiss your lips. 

After talking and laughing for several hours on the couch, you got a text from Nathan that the surgery went well and he was headed home for the night. 

“Home as in…?” I asked.

“Home as in his own home. We don’t live together, Jake,” you said as you looked up at me under your lashes.

“I know, I know,” I said as I sighed with relief. You screwed the lid back on the bottle of tequila before climbing back up to stash it away for another time. When you came back into the living room, you stood at the end of the couch and yawned. Unfortunately, I knew what was coming.

“I think we should call it a night,” you said. I didn’t want this night to end. Carpe noctem.

“Yeah, I’m pretty tired,” I lied.

“Don’t set an alarm. Sleep in and we’ll go to the beach whenever we feel like it tomorrow,” you said. I didn’t want to sleep at all. I didn’t want to waste a single moment when I’m here with you.

“Ok, sounds like a plan,” I said as I stood up. I walked closer to you and I watched you suck in a breath.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” you said quietly.

“Me too,” I said as I wrapped my arms around you.

“Good night, Jake,” you said.

“Good night, y/n,” I whispered.

After my shower, I laid on the bed in the guest bedroom and stared at the ceiling fan for what felt like an eternity. Thoughts of you, thoughts of us, thoughts of Nathan, the beach, tequila, and your song clouded my mind. I wanted to get out of bed and knock on your bedroom door. I wanted to admit every thought and feeling I’ve hidden from you for years. I wanted to admit how I’ve kept this secret from you for so long and it kills me nearly every day. I wanted to cry and scream and then cry some more. I wanted to hold you. But I just laid there and stared at the ceiling fan as the blades moved in a perfect rotation. Maybe tomorrow I’d admit these things to you. Maybe when we’re on the beach I’d finally find courage amongst the waves. I closed my eyes and let the hope for tomorrow guide my dreams for tonight.

Part Five

"And all I really want to do is to feel you.

It's a feeling inside that keeps building.

I will find a way to you if it kills me.

If it kills me.

It might kill me." - JM

I helped unload your adirondack chairs from the back of your car when we found a spot on the beach that was secluded from both the locals and the tourists. There was a walk-up bar not too far from us, but still far enough away that we felt like we were the only two people on the beach. I kept my sunglasses on as I faced the ocean, admiring the sunlight reflecting off the water. I watched you apply your sunscreen and waited for you to ask me to help you apply it to your back and neck. 

“Do you mind helping?” you asked, turning away from me and moving your hair to the side. I grabbed the bottle and started to rub the lotion on your back. I took my time because I wanted to feel every inch of your soft skin. 

“Can I ask you a question?” I asked as I continued rubbing the sunscreen on your shoulders. I finally felt enough courage to ask about the phone call since I couldn’t see your eyes.

“Always,” you said.

“When I talked to you on the phone yesterday morning… You sounded like you were crying,” I quietly admitted. I waited for you to say something but the silence lingered in the air. 

“I was,” you said.

“Why?” I asked.

“I don’t really want to talk about it, Jake,” you said as you dropped your head. I stared at the back of your neck waiting for the right words to come to me.

“You know you can talk to me about anything,” I said.

“I know,” you said. I put my hands on your shoulders and pulled for you to turn to face me. When you met my eyes, I could see they were hiding something.

“Y/n, what’s bothering you?” I asked. You sighed as you put your sunglasses on, attempting to camouflage your emotions.

“Nathan and I got into an argument that night and I called you in the heat of the moment. But we worked it out by the time you called me back the next morning. I was still upset and just needed to see my best friend,” you said as you reached out to squeeze my hand. “I miss you so much.”

“Loving a music man ain’t always what it’s supposed to be,” I sang a line from one of your favorite Journey songs as I let your hand stay in mine. I knew what I had to do to make you smile.

“Oh, girl, you stand by me,” you sang playfully. You loved when I sang, especially when it was a song off of your comfort playlist.

“I’m forever yours,” I sang back to you, meaning every word I said.

“Faithfully,” you sang as you let go of my hand. I wanted the lyrics to be true for you like they were for me. You laid your head back on your chair and basked in the sunlight. 

“Y/n?” I asked.

“Mhm?” you replied, still sunbathing.

“I–” I began, but stopped speaking when your phone started ringing.

“Sorry, this is work,” you said as you fished your phone out of your tote bag. I watched your face turn to disappointment behind the sunglasses. “Hello?” you said as you answered. You got up and walked away to take the phone call. I turned my attention away from you and looked out toward the waves. I knew our time together was ending quicker than I wanted it to. I was supposed to fly back home first thing tomorrow morning, and we were supposed to spend the entire day together on the beach, but my gut told me those plans were about to change. Being a musician, I was no stranger to abrupt changes and I quickly learned how to adapt to the unexpected. Nothing in my life ever goes according to plan anymore. I glanced your direction and watched you pace back and forth, still talking to whoever it was on the phone. I turned back toward the water and savored what I knew would be my final moments here on the beach. Another chance I would never take washed away on the shore line. I wiped the tear that escaped my eye as you walked back toward your empty chair. You didn’t have to say it; I knew.

“I am so sorry, Jake,” you began.

“Do we need to go?” I asked.

“Yes,” you said with a sigh. Without another word, I stood up and helped grab the chairs to make our way back to your car.

“Please feel free to stay in my house until I get back. I only have to go in for a few hours to help locate and fix some medical charts that got mishandled. I don’t have to work a full shift tonight,” you said. 

“Sure, of course,” I lied. I’d be searching for the next flight out of California the second you walked out the door. I knew you would be upset that I planned to leave without a proper goodbye, but I left what I needed to say out on the beach. The waves carried my broken heart back to the ocean. My unspoken words would forever remain buried in the sand.

Eventually, I would find my way back there when you were ready to hear them.

It wasn’t our time, yet. And it kills me that maybe it never will be.

The End

[vidjausers-fable]

PenPals(Veneer x OC)Chapter 3

Previous chapter

Author’s Note: No fanart this time but if you’re interested in seeing more check me out on Twitter, Tik Tok, and Instagram under Vidjauser! Thank you to my bestie, @tinalbion, for beta reading for me. <3

***

Veneer returned to the library for his rec time the next morning. He wasn’t sure where Velvet had gone for hers, if she even had anymore rec time left. She’d thrown a fit right before bed last night and kept everyone else up until 3 am, even Veneer. Guards didn’t take it kindly when they had tired and grouchy teens to deal with, so she was most likely back in their room.

When he was back in the library, it wasn’t hard to finish the rest of the letter. The blessed silence and the lack of Velvet’s presence helped him focus better, especially when she was always breathing down his neck, wanting to snoop. The hard part was not to overthink what he had written, and to give it to Linda to send out to Avery. The girl on the other side of the letter sounded nice, and seemed to have a unique life outside of this stupid facility. He ached for that kind of life, even if it wasn’t filled with fame or money. He just needed to get out of there. His tactics of actually trying to learn and listen was paying off while his sister was paying the consequences of being the rebel. 

Veneer read over the last part of his letter again. 

I can’t wait to get to know you better…I don’t know much to share about myself. I find myself discovering things I didn’t know about myself from when I was outside. I love fashion, I recently discovered. There’s these cool magazines—a bit outdated—and it’s fun to sketch the designs in them. Of course, I won’t take credit for them. Though I think it would be fun to explore fashion when I’m back out in the world. My counselor says I should consider looking into higher education for it. I’m holding out hope they would let someone like me in despite my track record. Can you tell me a little more about your job?

Until next time, 

Samson

Veneer was anxious about using a pseudonym, but after his and his sister’s scandal in Mount Rageous, he knew that his name would be known. Avery would probably call him names, or treat him like crap, and then reject him. He wanted her to get to know him first before he revealed his true identity. Other than his name, he was going to be 100 percent honest with Avery and luckily she was being respectful of how he felt about his lock-up. 

Everything in his letter was spelled correctly, and his writing was legible. Alright, he was ready to send it. He stood and turned to the guard who was posted at the front of the library. “I just finished my letter, can I leave my rec time early to drop it off to my counselor?” he asked.

The guard nodded his head, “Yes, but you will have to wait for someone to come here to guide you.” He took his walkie talkie, saying a code that Veneer didn’t understand. “Got an inmate here that needs transportation. Over.”

Inmate, Veneer hated that word. He liked how Linda called him a patient instead. 

The two of them waited until another guard was there. Veneer was guided to his counselor. Her door was closed at the moment, so it meant that she had another patient with her, so, he sat down patiently in the lobby chairs while the guard stood toward the door, his expression blank. Veneer had the time to wait, and he was feeling anxious about it, so he took out the letter and read it one last time as he waited for the door to open. 

It was twenty minutes before the door opened and one of the other patients he didn’t recognize left. Linda poked her head out after and smiled at Veneer. 

“Well howdy! You can’t seem to stay away, can you, Veneer? What can I do for you this morning?” she asked cheerily. She waved her hand at him, “Come on in.”

Veneer stood outside her door and held up the letter. “I…I finished the letter. I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to take it to you or the mailroom.” He extended the letter out to the woman. “It’s ready to be sent out.”

Linda smiled softly and put her hand on the letter, pushing it more toward him. “Take it to the mailroom, sweetie. They’ll double check that the letter is appropriate to send, okay? Tell them that it’s for your pen pal and then your name. The address will be in their system, so they’ll handle everything else for you. Is there anything else you need before you head over there? I bet your pen pal is going to be excited about your letter.”

Veneer shook his head. “No! I think I’m okay. Thank you.” He smiled. “Yeah, I hope she’ll like it.” He turned toward the guard, who would then take him to the mailroom, which was close to the cafeteria; the smell of food was making him hungry for lunch. After he approached the counter, he had to wait a moment before the mail attendant came up to the little window. He was tall, pale from working inside all day, and dark haired. He was intimidating to Veneer so the male chewed his bottom lip nervously. He had never met any of the mailroom attendants personally. 

“What do you want?” he asked gruffly. 

“I have a letter to my pen pal attendant. My name is Veneer.” He handed the unsealed envelope. It was snatched out of his hands, so he took his hands back and tucked them behind his back. He then just stood there awkwardly for moment as the attendant held his letter in a way that didn’t make Veneer happy.

The mail attendant just glared. “What else do you want?”

Veneer froze momentarily. C’mon, no one was really as scary as his sister, so why was this guy making him feel so small?

Clearing his throat, he answered, “Is there…Possible incoming mail from my parents? I haven’t been told, but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to double check…If that’s okay.”

The mail attendant rolled his eyes and looked at the computer, his hands going to the keyboard before typing away fast. Veneer wasn’t sure how long he had been working that day, but he already looked like he was tired and wanted to go home and it was still the morning. “Name?” he grunted. 

Veneer answered with a gulp, “Veneer, sir.”

The attendant’s hands typed fast before he answered quite abruptly, “No.” He turned his back to him and returned to his work of sorting mail in the back, leaving Veneer’s heart to pound in his chest. Yeah, Linda was much nicer than whoever that man was. People who acted crappy for no reason were the reason he had some…anxieties.

A sense of disappointment swelled in Veneer’s chest as he stepped away from the counter, turning to the guard. He didn’t notice that his feet began to walk on their own, following the guard back to his cell since rec time was over. His mind was lost in thought about his parents. The moment he made his confession on live TV, there had been no turning back. Surely they had watched the whole thing and knew the truth. After that, they made one public statement that they would pay everyone back and never contact their kids again. Sure enough, that was what happened. Veneer had sent a couple letters, but who knew if they lived where they used to. Veneer never received a letter back from them. He never even got a phone call.

One of the vital steps in getting out of the Correctional Facility was to have a home already set up to move into when released. The facility refused to send anyone out to an improper home, or worse—the streets. Where would Veneer go if his parents had fully disowned him? He would have to learn to live on his own, especially since he knew that he would get out before his sister. He didn’t even know how to function by himself, let alone learn how to rent somewhere and be independent. He would ask Linda if there was a program he could attend to help that transition. 

Not long after, Veneer was back in his cell, sitting at his desk. Velvet wasn’t there, so he wondered where she had gone since she had still been there when he left that morning. He turned to the guard before he could wander too far from him, “Hey, where did my sister go?” he asked. 

“I dunno,” the guard replied, “Let me check.” He tilted his head away and pressed his walkie talkie, “Just wanted to double check the location of patient Velvet. She’s not in her cell. Over.” There was static for a moment before his expression changed entirely, worrying Veneer when he saw his eyes widen in surprise. “She what? Okay. Yes, I understand. Over.” He lowered his hand. 

Veneer now stood at the cell, his hands on the bars. “What happened to my sister?” he asked anxiously. The guard answered with a disappointed sigh, “She attempted to escape again, bud. She was on her way to a mandatory meeting with her counselor before shoving a guard and making a run for it. She only got far enough because when she pushed the guard, he hit his head on a metal pipe on the way down. Apparently he bled a little and he fell into unconsciousness. Luckily, he’s not dead.”

At the mention of blood, Veneer somehow paled. “She did…? Where’s she at right now? Is she going to be back?”

“She’s screaming and throwing a fit in a holding cell. Looks like you might have a day or two to yourself while she calms down and has therapy from within her cell.” He shrugged, “I dunno how that stuff all works anyway. You don’t want to worry about it, though I'll have to keep an extra eye on you a bit harder for now. Just a part of protocall.”

“That makes sense, but it’s not like I’m going to do anything. Man…I hope she’s not in too much trouble…” Veneer said the last part aloud but mostly to himself, allowing himself to step away from the bars. 

“I can’t disclose that information…but let’s just say she’s not going to be back for a few days.”

Veneer nodded. He returned to his desk and looked at Avery's first letter, admiring her handwriting. He realized that he wanted to write back to her already, as if the conversation they shared on paper would help him cope with what was going on right now, but it would be worthless considering he already sent a letter that day.

Veneer chose not to and took out one of the magazines he was allowed to bring back to his room, and read to calm himself down.

Why couldn’t his sister just behave?

***

After another long shift, there was nothing more that Avery wanted to do than stick her feet into a bucket of warm water with her Guinea pigs in her arms, and her favorite sitcom on the television. Her feet ached as she walked into the lobby of the apartments around ten at night. There had been plenty of workers to close that night, so she was sent home early since she came in early. The lights were dimmed and the volume of the TV in the community space was lowered to a single digit. There wasn’t a soul in sight. It was oddly peaceful. 

Avery took her key ring to the lobby, heading toward the mail room. The mail hadn’t been there before she left for work, which was common. Getting her mail, she gasped in excitement after she sorted through the mail. There was a letter from the correctional facility. Which meant she got her first letter from her pen pal!

“Oh my god! He wrote me back!” she gasped.

With a sudden burst of energy, Avery raced to the elevator, which took her to the third floor. She tried not to stomp around, as to not wake anyone up. She made it to her room without trouble and set all her stuff down on the ground next to the couch, sitting on the right side. She threw the other mail and bills to the end table and stared at the mail she wanted to read the most. 

Using as much self control as she could, she opened the envelope without tearing the inner letter. She was surprised the deeper she read into the letter. Samson…What a sweet name, she thought to herself, wondering what he looked like.

Somehow, the world felt less lonely just by reading this letter. She felt as though this pen pal program would be helping her as well. Maybe she would start to feel better about herself and everything going on.

Avery finished the letter and couldn’t stop smiling. It didn’t matter that her body was aching from work, or that her feet were sore from the skates. She was happy at that moment, learning more about Samson. She wanted to write another letter back immediately, and wanted to send it tomorrow. It already felt as though she could get used to this addictive feeling of positive attention from her new friend. She wanted to get to know Samson more. Maybe if they continued to hit it off, she could call or visit him. 

“Don’t think too far ahead…Don’t start making up silly little stories in your head.” She carefully folded the letter back up and slipped it back into the envelope, setting it aside. She still had to shower and get ready for bed before she got too sleepy. The letter would have to wait until tomorrow, even if she didn’t want to.

There were harmonious squeaking from across the room. Avery giggled and stood, going to her attention seeking little pets. “Yes, I know, I know. You want out, but it’s close to bedtime and I would have to put you back in less than a half hour. I’ll let you out tomorrow morning, and then you’ll be able to roam for hours!” She picked her two pets up and kissed their heads each and then put them back down. After that, she showered and went to bed. 

Tomorrow she had the night off for once, so it was a chore and errand day. Many thoughts ran through her head—what she had to do tomorrow, and what she wanted to write to Samson—but soon she fell asleep to the sound of rain playing through her phone.

Avery awoke to loud squeaking from the living room, and groaned. Great, the one day she didn’t have to set an alarm clock, and her pets woke her up. She sat up, sore from the night before, and slipped out of bed, sliding her feet into her house slippers so her feet were warm. “I’m commmmmmming,” she said to her pets, yawning at the end of the word. “You two are complete brats.”

Two blobs of fur were squished in the corner that was closer to her bedroom door. Seeing it made Avery giggle sleepily. “Alright, I’m not longer mad that you guys woke me up.” She took the Guinea Pig snacks that were set on the end table near their cage, where all their food and other supplies were located. She picked both up and sat on the floor, laying them in her lap. “Good morning to you two as well,” she chuckled, picking hay out of their fur as they ate the snacks. She had these two for a whole year, and they were her best friends. 

Smiling, she took a picture of them in her lap with her phone. “I’ll get these printed and send them to Samson. He might like you guys.” 

Avery set them back on the ground and took their food and water, throwing it out and replacing it with fresh food and water. They circled her ankles until she placed the bowls outside of their cage, letting them free roam while she did other things around the apartment. She was usually a clean person, so her chores didn’t take too long. What took the longest was the laundry, which luckily her unit had its own washer and dryer for everyone.

When all she had to do was laundry, Avery sat down with Samson’s letter and smiled as she read over it again, trying to plan what she wanted to write back. He deserved a long heartfelt letter, rather than a quick and lazy response. He liked fashion? That was an interesting take. That wasn’t something she would ever imagine from a male in a correctional facility. She wanted to ask him what his favorite sort of fashion was, and while she wasn’t too into the details of clothes, she did like browsing them. She made sure to take note of these questions on paper that she usually did her grocery list on. Which, by the way, she needed to get done before she threw anything in the washer. 

Avery held both papers in her hands and looked back and forth between the two. Well…there were a few things that she could get for a male. Was it too early to be sending gifts to him? Nah, she didn’t think so. After adding sketchbook, and fashion magazines down, she decided to go shopping for the male, wanting to make sure her next letter contained a present for him. 

A week had passed since Veneer had sent his letter, and since his sister had been placed into solitary confinement. Apparently the guard she had shoved needed a few stitches, so she was in extra trouble for getting the guard injured while on the job. He didn’t feel guilty for his sister however, it meant that he had a few days to himself before she could return. He knew the process—she’d been through it a couple of times now. She had to be evaluated for her mental stability and whether he would be a threat to herself or others. Though it had never taken this long before, and it surprised him. 

Veneer groaned as he flipped through his magazine for the fifth time. It was a few editions old, and it seemed that the Library was taking a sweet time filling his request for getting the latest editions for him to read. For now he was stuck rereading these ones, and by now he had every page memorized.

Veneer abruptly stopped when he came across a page with two familiar icons. Him and Velvet when they were popstars. When they were frauds. He didn’t like the memories that filled his head.

“Dammit…” He grumbled and flipped the pages closed, slamming his hand down on top of the cover. He was bored, and without much to do. He leaned on his elbow, his fingers tapping against his face. Could he request some TV time in the rec room? No, he couldn’t take advantage of his position as a model patient.

A guard approached his cell from the corner of his eyes, catching his attention. He looked for his sister everywhere around the guard and listened for her screaming, but there was nothing. The guard whispered something to the one stationed outside his cell, then left. Veneer stood as if he already knew that the guard wished to talk to him. 

Sure enough, he was right. The guard walked right up to the cell with something in his hands. It was a medium sized box. “Veneer, you have a package from the mailroom. Here you go.” Since Velvet wasn’t there, he was free to open the cell door and hand over the box to Veneer. 

Veneer frowned at first. A package? Who on earth would send him a package? He quickly shrugged off that expression and nodded, “Strange…? I don’t know who would even want to send me this. But thank you for bringing it to me. Did it just now come in?”

“It came in this morning, like all the other mail. Then the packages get checked for contraband, you know?” 

“Ah, yes…I forgot. I’m not exactly used to being sent mail you know,” Veneer sounded a little sassy, but honest. The guard didn’t seem to mind anyway and returned to his post, taking his rounds up and down the hallway now and then. 

Veneer slightly shook the box. It didn’t feel too heavy, but he was still curious about what was inside. His first thought was his parents—had they sent him something? No, he felt as though they wouldn’t, not without talking to him first. He sat down at his desk and opened the box, and gasped when he saw what was inside. There were magazines in plastic sleeves! The Library must have fulfilled his request for the new magazines he wanted! 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” He gasped, taking the magazines out without checking the rest of the box. Though there was something strange...Why would the Library send the request directly to him? He looked over to the guard’s post, wanting to ask him something, but the guard was not there. 

“Strange…But wouldn’t this go to the Library if I requested it there…?” he asked himself, and just in case, he made sure to take them carefully out of the plastic, afraid that the Library would be upset with him if he somehow destroyed the magazines before they even got them. He grabbed the box and picked it up to place on the ground, but it was still heavy. He pushed around the tissue paper inside when his eyes widened. 

There was more in the box. There was a whole sketchbook! When he delicately picked it up, he saw a letter down at the bottom of the box and a little note next to it that read: I hope I’m not rushing this forward, but I hope you like the gift. I think it’s unique that you like fashion and art. You don’t have to force yourself, but I would love to see anything you sketch! Love, Avery.

Veneer slowly cupped a hand over his mouth, feeling tears in his eyes. A gift? For him? He carefully peeled open the letter, which had photos of two cute furry creatures. 

Dear Samson, 

Yes, I know, it’s a bit too early to be sending a gift to you, but I just had to get these for you when I was grocery shopping. I think it’s amazing that you have a passion, and I want to help you be able to pursue it, even through these small gifts. So hopefully you can sketch me a new outfit or a better uniform for my work! I would draw it for you if I could, but my drawings are more like chicken scratch, but I’ll maybe send a picture so you can do it!

Veneer smiled at a badly drawn pizza with fat pepperonis and mushrooms to the side. 

These are pictures of my two piggies. Jams is my brown one, and Garry is the one with the multicolored patches. I’ve had them for about a year, but they’re my whole world. At the end of a long work day, I lay down and cuddle them for hours. I hope you think they’re cute!

Veneer smiled as he read the rest of the letter, keeping it to himself. 

[leaves-and-inks]

🌾 ROLLING ON THE RIVER 🌾

I was able to work on this much sooner than I thought!! don’t worry, I plan on doing all the suggestions (and maybe more, we’ll see) I just got a bit of a plan for how I want to go about it :)

It’s been nice working on this series. I find it so easy to overthink my process and art, constantly trying to make things perfect or fit certain criteria. Sure, by nature of being a series, I am thinking about matching it to the other pieces. But being able to step back from the usual worrying about nit-picky details and just drawing fun animal on recycled material has a great. It feels like i’m making art for the sake of it again, something I haven’t felt like I’ve done a whole lot of the past couple years or so. I gotta say, I can probably thank the “daily” drawing challenge I did on my instagram story for putting me in this mindset!!

Hoping to get the other two animals I have planned done soon!! I’ve mainly been working on them to take a break from assignments, and considering finals are approaching, there will be lots to take breaks from (if I can afford to haha). Hope you’re all doing well!!

I hope I can keep up the naming these after songs/lyrics, I’m not so sure I can 😅

You can find the first post in this series linked here!

[ID: A hand holding a black and white illustration on tan paper with uneven edges. behind it is a white tapestry with a pattern made up of illustrated green leaves, slightly out of focus. The illustration is a black heron head looking up in profile view and to the left, its beak slightly opened. it sits in a white circle. All the details and the eye are sketched in with white. it crops at its neck in the bottom right quarter of the circle. the Heron is also stylistically fluffier in comparison to the real animal. In a larger circle surrounding the heron head are vines with wild geraniums with stylized leaves and thorns. Most of the thorns, vines, and leaves are colored in black, but some are just a white outline. Some plant material breaks out from a larger circle behind them and the heron drawing, Over top of the plant life radiating out from the center of the heron’s head are sketchy white lines. the paper is thin, and has a slight scaled pattern to it.

Image 2: cropped version of the previously described illustration. the photo goes to the edges of the page, and the illustration is centered. the radial lines on the top and bottom of the page are slightly cropped.

Image 3: crop on the heron’s eye and beak. details in the feathers and beak are more apparent. the crop cuts off just before the neck, the tip of the beak, and most of the vines and flowers.

Image 4: crop focusing on the geraniums and vines. details such as the thorns and leaves are more apparent. along with the ends of the sketchy, radial lines. the crop only showcases the top right quadrant of the piece, cutting out all but the top of the Heron’s neck, most of the white circle, and most of the other plants. /end ID]

[mrsparkjimi-na]

I for I do

Hello friends, how are you doing? I hope that you’re doing well. Me, otherwise I have been overthinking things but anyway. Have you seen Jimin photos, already? Her father posted them on the Magnate’s instagram. 

Our little mochi isn’t so little any more! Now he is 492 days to complete his service and Jin is returning in 128 days! 

Well without much more to tell you I leave you with the next drabble. 

Pairing: Park Jimin x reader (Y/N) & Jeon Jungkook x reader (Y/N)

Warnings: None

Words: 493

Every domestic life begins with “I do” 

Since you where a little girl you had always imagine your wedding, nothing to small but neither too big, surrender with the most important members for you and your significant other, most of them family and friends. 

While growing up, details of your perfect wedding could change, the place, your dress, the flowers and wedding theme but what was constant was who stay in the altar; waiting for you. 

Until now you could never place a face to him, but you knew even without see him you knew that would be someone that would love you for who you’re.

The knock on the door pull you away from your thoughts “it’s time Y/N noona, are you alright?” Jungkook concern voice asks through the door.

You smile to yourself, after passing his jealousy stage he have become much more than just the best friend and group member of your now future husband, he have become your little brother. “I’m fine, I was just thinking..” and without letting you finish the door open allowing you to see him, covering his eyes to enter.

“What are you thinking? No, don’t tell me!” he question to himself while extending his arm to avoid stumble “You need to marry Jimin hyung, he’s already waiting for you at the altar noona!” He shout almost at the edge of panicking.

You remove his hand from his eyes and smile to him “breath Kookie, breath. I will marry him” you state trying to calm him down. 

“Oh, good!” he said letting out a sigh of relief, “in that case” extending his hand to you “it’s time noona” 

Nodding, you place your hand in his “lets go” allowing him to lead the way. 

The soft tone of DNA as wedding march start to sound, your sight fix just on the man standing at the altar, wearing a grey tuxedo just as the one he use back at MMA performance of 2019. 

Once you where close enough, you notice his teary brown eyes “oh please jiminah, don’t cry or you would make me cry too” you said in a soft and sweet voice. 

He blink several times trying to keep away the tears that where already settle on his eyes, to then give you his famous eye-smile “I won’t, you look beautiful Y/N” he state in a tearful crack voice, extending his hand to help you. 

“You look very handsome too Jiminah” standing in front of him on the altar, reaching his tie to fix it straight. 

He took your hand and caress it “last time to change your mind Y/N, after we became man and wife you would need to struggle with me until death do us apart” he state serious. 

You smile to him squeezing his hand  “you’re stuck with me Jiminah, until death do us apart” you reaffirm, knowing he need to hear it, causing a few tears roll down his puffy cheeks.

[causmonaut]

aaaand we’re back…

with another long ass post !!

documenting my stupidity immaturity:::::

she tweets: i love my bf!

he tweets: i love my gf!

she tweets: i miss my hubby i cant eat or sleep i cant breath i cant live like this

and hoooowwww do i see it? by logging into the acc i follow her on (to softblock everyone and keep the account as an archive since i had been using it for years)…

i !!! was confused? at first. then icked out… then hurt.

how do you shit on me for not even directly questioning your sexuality once because you loved to talk about dating men and dated and LOVED a man for 3 years, and say you’re a pure lesbian and i’m projecting by suggesting that you might have curiosity or the capacity to be attracted to men .. and then go date a man?

that part got me for a bit but her sexuality is really none of my business nor do i really care about it past the fact that she got super aggressive with me when i would question her comments. if she’s figuring out her sexuality then, good on her. i don’t believe in holding anyone to labels they’ve given themselves, it takes a long while before someone might settle (or decide not to settle) on whatever label(s) they feel comfortable with.

but it confirms that she’s with someone, it confirms that she likely lined him up soon after or before she dumped me which also stings because i think she’s shown me my worth to her so many times and it’s really not much. i think i was worth more than a few weeks of recovery? but it’s fine. i think she’s emotionally constipated and avoidant as fuck so i lowkey hope it all builds up and blows up in her face eventually (this is hateful, i’m rarely ever hateful…)

i decided to reach out before yesterday ended because it gave me an excuse to go and a: make it known that i know she’s a “lesbian” with a boyfriend and b: make it clear that i think it’s best i don’t have her on any of my social media accounts.. so i removed her on my defunct instagram… removed her from the server we used to share stuff and vc during games… took her out of groupchats with my friends.

her responses vv

“my tweets? do we still follow eo anywhere? but yeah, sure. please delete my personal info on there.”

“ooh i see”

“alright alright, thanks”

^^ putting these here.. for a few reasons

i think it’s important for me to reflect on how little energy she was giving me despite my long-winded over-explanations for my actions.. i wanted to make it clear i wasn’t removing her out of malice and stuff.. but really i don’t think i owed her the clarification.

i don’t think she thinks that deeply about things, and probably didn’t care much since they’re logical steps.

i wish i could’ve been more reserved during a lot of our conversations together but my overthinking makes it so hard not to assume she’d need the same reassurance as i might need in that situation.

i think for the first time she’s actually given me pretty mature responses. curt, dry, detached. probably in part because i’ve been pathetic as fuck in a lot of my messages to her, i’m sure she’s tired (i know she’s tired).

i would like to adopt her way of being firm in her decisions and knowing when to step away.

i could’ve honestly just quietly removed her from things, didn’t need to open up that can of worms or do that to myself or her.

i’ve now been dealing with the consequences of feeling a little hurt by her short responses, by removing her from things i wasn’t ready to remove her from.. by her moving on so quickly. her using the L word .. didn’t necessarily want her to while she was with me but she couldn’t say it even after a year, but with anyone else she’s said it within months? my self worth has taken a major hit. i think it’s half her and half me. two mentally ill people cannot function together for sure.

on the topic of mental illness, she subtweeted .. with “mental illness” .. friend saw and sent over a screenshot

yes, i’m mentally ill. i deal with chronic depression, anxiety disorder, a whole separate cocktail of other stuff, and ADHD… not to mention addiction (sober, btw).. and if we are being honest i am probably bordering on a personality disorder and all of that in combination with my anxious attachment style turn me into a monster when i’m with someone who can’t meet my needs or be consistent.

i recognize that and my needs, and what i need to work on.. i’ve known for a very long time but i still end up being attracted to manic types who are wishy washy and leave me questioning their intentions 24/7… this last girl was also a love bomber so that was not fun.

not excluding my own mistakes and toxic tendencies btw. i could lean into manipulative territory when i was upset, probably overloaded her with information in attempt to be transparent and it likely came off as being over critical and uncaring, because she could be petty i also allowed myself to be petty, too. we would get snappy at each other, she’d fuck up and i’d hold it against her for a while because she’d never genuinely apologize.. i’d fuck up and she’d never let it go, never communicate, only bring it up when it was too late for me to make up for it. it just wasn’t a good match.

but at the end of the day, once again, i can blame others as much as i want for things. i can hate her, i can ruminate on how little i must’ve meant to her in comparison to how much she meant and still means to me, i can torture myself with old screenshots or what ifs and would’ve should’ve could’ves but it doesn’t serve me.

^ easy to recognize that it doesn’t serve me but hard to not think or do these things anyway. i’m not good at combatting negative thoughts. i either don’t have them or they dominate all other thoughts. no in-between.

i think my anxiety and tendency to overthink are the biggest roadblocks i face.

kind of feeling like i am damaged goods. kind of feeling like i’d rather not date again so i don’t turn into an insecurity monster over someone that ain’t shit for the hundredth time.

life is tough as is. i have a lot on my plate, and sometimes i fear i’ll never feel peace. i don’t need a relationship to come and muddy everything up on top of all of the shit i go through on a regular basis.

buut as much as i don’t need it, that fear of loneliness sure does know how to creep in at just the right moments.

i’m talking about general loneliness. dying alone.. being distant from family… but also romantic loneliness, yea. everyone grows and branches out, my friends will find people they’ll go live in their own little bubble with, my cousins will do the same.. my parents are split and it wont be long before they both find people, too.. and here i am, their adult daughter who Should be more independent but i have honestly been so stunted by the amount of trauma we’ve all been through and it’s hard to feel my age, hard to cope with the fact that my life is my own. i don’t have the support structure of someone with parents that love them unconditionally or healthily.. it’s hard to grow when i spend so much time in their shadow trying to patch things up with them and help out without ever being nurtured in return.

in a lot of my relationships, i’m the one who lifts and supports others while i’m expected to get through things on my own. i fear it won’t ever change.

this all sounds very woe is me but i think i deserve to sit in that energy for a bit.

[moonlightdreamerkisses]

You run away only to run in circles

We keep having the same fight in the less than a month, I’m tired of going in circles. Right in the middle of arguing your job always finds away to save you. 

Four weeks ago .. On Sunday night we went to get ice cream. I saw you liked a girls story on Instagram and calmly asked, “Who’s this?” You instantly got angry. To be honest I don’t really understand your reasoning, because this wasn’t the first time you did something like this, I mean look at your record. Besides I’ve asked you this before without you getting upset. You always say I make a big deal of these things, but all I asked was, “Who is this?” You couldn’t have just told me it was some random girl that you thought was pretty? Instead you just got angry and defensive. All your doing is making me think that there’s more. You know I already don’t trust you and yet you don’t even try to make an effort.  We didn’t talk the next day and then you left to California for almost a week. I didn’t hear anything from you for almost a week. I was left numb. 

I hope you know, when you leave, it just ends up hurting me more and more with each day we don’t talk.

Two weeks later on Saturday, we hung out all day. I remember I fell asleep on the floor while you watched Youtube. When I woke up, I felt gross, I felt groggy. Later that night, you made dinner. Right before you head outside to grill, I told you to change the channel because I was tired of hearing Youtube, it made me feel even more groggy. You wanted to make fun of me and said how I don’t like to learn or listen Youtube. I took it as a joke and then I said, “ My name is Lawrence and I like to watch Youtube because I want to know how much money pornstars make.” You quickly got defensive. You started getting mad at me, I didn’t really understand why because this was just about Youtube. Right? Then you started saying how I have all day to myself and that you’re never home to watch tv. It made me upset. We kinda talked about it before we ate and we were okay. Until I brought it up the next day. You got upset right before work and started saying how I don’t have a job and that we would talk about it later but once again work came in between us. 

We moved back to Arizona in late February, we’ve had some intense fights that leave me drained. But it’s not even the problem of the fight, it’s how its being handled that leaves me drained. It doesn’t help that when were fighting that’s the only time were talking about it, because as soon as I bring it up when were both cooled off you tell me, why do I want to ruin the day again.

When issues arises you NEVER want to talk about it. I hate it, because all your just doing is planting seeds in my head so I can just overthink about them later. Don’t you know everything is just getting swept underneath the rug? Are you trying to test my limit? I just want to talk to you about it, so when can move past this, but there’s never a good time for you. 

My favorite thing is when I see you like a girls photo or comment on someone post and all I ask is “What’s this?” you either get defensive and get angry and think I’m turning nothing into something or you'll just say “I don’t know” I wish you’d be open and honest, I hate that you lie about the smallest things. After all the things I forgave you for and you still continue to do this, you can’t just say you fucked up and like some girls picture. You have to lie and for what? When you know I know the truth. The more you lie the worst it gets. The more I don’t want to be with you. 

I hate that you can’t just be open and honest about issues within us, you have to play games or hide the real issue until it becomes obvious. Be an adult and talk to me, let me know what you feel. Stop going to Youtube to find your answer. You always think you have to be this macho man but you don’t always have to be that person especially with me. 

What are we doing? What am I even doing? A part of me just wants to call it off another part of me thinks I’m overreacting but am I?

[ivykhoozx]

Creative Nonfiction

People fade, feelings stay, memories haunt...

Have you ever cried so bad, longed to scream at the top of your lungs wishing someone would hear you? You experience extreme exhaustion and a sense of inner death.  So vulnerable, so lost… You want to speak or rant to someone about it but it’s deep into the night and you don’t know whom you could turn to without burdening them. So, you just wish and wait in vain for someone to make the first move to message you instead… but it never does. You want to express yourself on social platforms but you hesitated because you’re scared that people might criticize you or think you lack attention.

You wish you could just chill out. Hoping you were one of those individuals who could choose not to give a damn and go to sleep. Sadly, you’re not. Your eyes begin to get puffy from all the sobbing yet your mind continues to race all night long. You could feel your heart breaks a little with every sigh you let out. You begin to reflect on life and overthink each and every thought that enters your head.

You eventually fall asleep when the daylight shines but when you get up you have to put on that smile and face the world again. This feeling stays, it doesn’t just go away. It leaves you feeling dead inside. It’s amusing to think that someone else may be feeling the same way as you do and going through something similar. Yet we are all on our own in this.

A gazillion unanswered questions are running through your head but one particular keep coming up: “When would he/she ever return by my side?” You simply keep trying various tactics to get them back. You seek help from your friends and mutual friends you both had but you tend to pay attention to the ones that assure you and overlook the true guidance. You are at your wit’s end and therefore desperately want them back. It seems as though everything in your universe has crumbled.

You start stalking his/her followers on Instagram whom you think they might actually move on with. They claim that they just need some alone time but you see them hanging out with new people despite their assurances that they don't want you to move on. You begin to wonder if it's time to move on since everything that once seemed right now doesn’t anymore. It seems that no matter what you do, nothing seems to change.

I was clinging to something that never existed. I persisted, struggled, and most importantly, gave it my all, but for what precisely was I putting in such effort? I held myself responsible for all of the problems. When something doesn’t go as planned, I tend to question myself about what went wrong and what I could have done differently. Every day and night, I kept having conflicts with the thoughts and voices in my head.

I have always told myself to hang on because of those few reasons even though there are probably a zillion more reasons why I should leave even if I have never wanted to. I have always been the type of person who would fix something when they are broken instead of throwing them away or replacing them with a new one.

I hung on despite the pain. I believed it was worthwhile and that if I persisted, everything will be just fine. I doubt I will ever be able to forget the moment I realized that there was nothing I could do to make you go head over heels for me again. Even after all the pain you put me through, I still couldn’t hate or stop loving you. I’m so afraid I won’t be able to find someone else like you, I’m so afraid that I may never find the same feeling you once gave me again, instances like these eat me alive.

You took my feelings for granted even though you are aware of my feelings for you but you still lead me on without any intention to get me back. You took advantage of me because you knew I was always there. I was foolish to even believe for one second that I could have changed you.

Deep down, a part of me secretly wishes you to go through hell and suffer the same way I did but my heart can’t put up with it having to watch you go through it all. Love is something that comes naturally, it can’t be forced. Eventually, when you love someone with your whole heart, you would love them more than you could ever love yourself. Hence, I guess that is why I would rather be the one who is suffering rather than watch him hurt.

At the end of the day, being an adult has taught me to deal with it because love is not going to be as uncomplicated as two people living happily ever after. Relationship goals only exist in fairy tales and those don’t exist. We anticipate our love lives to be filled with unicorns and rainbows. Let’s get real here, this will never be the case. Love doesn’t need to be perfect; it just needs to be true. Absence isn’t love. You are experiencing the pain of losing someone who had once given their everything to you.

Love is about give-and-take. It makes us weak but it also makes us strong at the same time. Is it simpler to walk away than to fight for what you really want, is it better to hurt than to be hurt? Nevertheless, what is love without tragedy? I think that one can only truly experience happiness after going through genuine hardship.

 If someone loves and cares about you, their actions will prove it to you. If they truly love you, they will never wish for you to experience any kind of distress, let alone harm you. Those who are sincere about staying will search for justifications, not reasons.

[hoshino-umino-kioku]

I swear to god. Um. What if she actually goes to the end of the world and forces nonsense up my brain

Sorry miaumiaus very long rant in the tags. It’s. Not related to you guys I just need to get it off my chest

[max33imagines]

17. ‘I know you still love me.’ Part 4 – max Verstappen X Reader.

Finally here’s the next instalment of ‘I know you still love me’ ! Thank you so much for the support and the patience with me on this one! Part 5 is out now!

Tags: @enjoymyloves​

This is shorter than my other parts but nonetheless... things are going down.. and Y/n has some things to sort out.. 

Previous parts - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 

“You never answered my text.” Kelly. Her voice instantly went through you. It always did. 

You didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as you looked at Max, he was stood there like a deer in headlights as he switched his vision between the two of you. 

“Oh is that Y/n in there? So nice to finally meet you! I’m Kelly, I’ve heard so much about you!” Kelly has pushed herself past Max and greeted you with a hug. Your arms glued to your side mainly in shock as you tried to assess the situation as quickly as you could. 

Max was adamant he didn’t cheat on you. Yet here she is now. In his hotel room, questioning why he hasn’t answered her. Do you stay calm? Should you start crying now or later? Are you still just overthinking this entire situation? 

“What are you doing here?” Max said to Kelly through gritted teeth. 

“Well I think I’ve got the answer to my text, its so nice to see you both back together! Max was in a state Y/n, you should’ve seen him!” Kelly laughed. 

Both you and Max stayed quiet. You couldn’t work out what was going on and Max was quite clearly panicking. What did she text him? 

“Well I’m sorry to bother you both, Y/n I’d love to get to know you properly, I’ll message you? I think I follow you on instagram?” You just nodded, not looking at her so you could keep your eyes on Max. Max’s glance didn’t leave Kellys as she walked past him and out of the door that he was still holding. 

“Let me explain-“ 

“What did she text you?” You asked. Max was scrambling for words, you couldn’t bare to have him lie to your face once again. 

“Y/n, please. Let me just-“ You pushed past him and ran down the corridor of the hotel towards the elevator, hoping one person would give you an honest answer for once. 

“Kelly!” You shouted. You instantly felt crazy running after this beautiful woman whilst you were in Max’s baggy clothes. 

Kelly turned to you but you hadn’t really thought this through. If you ask what she texted Max then you will sound crazy, but you know you’re not going to get a straight up answer from Max. 

“Are you okay, Y/n?” She asked. You heard Max running up to the two of you before he just stood there waiting to hear what you were going to say. Memories of how good you and Max filled your brain before being overshadowed by the hurt he caused you, how broken he’s made you feel. Do you just trust Max and go back into the room with him or do you attempt to find out the truth? 

“Did you sleep with him?” The words slipped from your mouth, not thinking it through but clearly your subconscious brain needs to know the answer. 

“Are you sure you want to know that?” Kelly asked. 

“Y/n, don’t do this, come back inside.” Max said, putting his hands on your shoulders from behind you in an attempt to get you to follow him. Your mind was racing, the walls of the corridor were getting smaller and you were getting hotter and hotter. You shoved Max off of you, not looking away from Kelly. Her face gave everything away. 

“Y/n, I uh- we uh-“ 

“Shut the fuck up Kelly!” Max shouted, hitting the wall next him. 

“Let her talk. Did you? Did you sleep with him?”

“Listen, I think there are certain things that would be better to hear them from Max.” Kelly began fumbling through her handbag as Max was pacing with his hands on his head. Both of them were panicking. You’ve clearly already got your answers. 

“Here’s my number. Talk to Max, if you feel like he isn’t telling you the truth or isn’t telling you the whole story, call me.” She gave you a small piece of paper before getting into the elevator. 

“FUCK YOU!” Max screamed as the elevator doors closed. You didn’t notice you were crying until Kelly had gone. You turned to face Max to see he was also in a fit of tears. 

You’ve seen Max’s every emotion, but you wasn’t quite sure what this one was. The fact he was crying and screaming at Kelly, hitting walls was a good indication that you were wrong to believe him. 

“Y/n, please, please, I’ll tell you everything, just please don’t leave me here.” You ignored him as you went back towards the room, it was a short way, not long enough to decide whether you should just grab your stuff and leave or actually stay and hear him out. 

When you got to the door you’d realised you need to wait for Max regardless to open the door. Once he did you began picking up your things, you’ve given him too many chances. How could you be so stupid, you thought to yourself. 

“Move Max.” He was stood in front of the door like an over emotional security guard, something you feel you’d laugh at but for now, you just felt numb. 

“Not until we talk.” 

“And are you really going to tell me the truth? Because to swear Max I’ll go to her and get it all. I can’t keep doing this with you. You ask me to trust you on another lie!” You were emotionally worn out, you were hoping all of the scenarios you’ve created in your head are much worse than what Max is going to attempt to tell you. 

“I’ll tell you everything. Just please come and sit down.” Max softly grabbed your arm as he sat on the edge of the bed but you pulled away, not wanting to waste any more time here than you needed to. 

“I’m fine standing.” Max sighed and nodded. 

“I’m sorry Y/n. I am. You need to understand I really did think there was something going on with you and your boss, and I know, I know how stupid I sound. I know I should’ve just spoke to you. She was a shoulder to cry on which just.. got carried away and I regret it every day Y/n. I regret how much I’ve hurt you. I hate myself for doing this to you. For doing this to us. I wish it never happened-“ 

“Get on with it Max.” You spat. Not caring for his fake apologies or however he’s trying to justify what he’s done. That’s not what you need to know right now. 

Max began telling you about what really happened during the period you were broken up, how he did sleep with Kelly that night, how it was her that had invited him and not the guys. He knew she’d be there unlike the version of events he told you. He told you how he thought of you. How he’d regret what he was doing, but he still done it anyway. You felt even more numb than you did before as you attempt to listen to him tell you what really happened, whilst you were sat at home thinking of him, crying over him, blaming yourself for this, he was fucking her. 

“Why did you lie?” You whispered, not trusting your voice if you were to speak at a normal volume. 

“I can’t lose you Y/n, I can't. I’m sorry, you’re everything to me Y/n, you know that? Please just tell me what I need to do to fix this, I'll do anything, fuck, I’ll even stop racing for you if it meant we can work through this somehow.” 

“Why did you lie to me?” You asked again. Max was a rambling mess at this point, you kind of thought it made no sense. He cheated on you, he knows what he's done, he’s just sorry it’s all coming out now. 

“I don’t want to hurt you Y/n, I never want to hurt you. What I said, what I told you had happened, that’s how I wish it happened. I know that means nothing, I know that sounds stupid, but I can’t bare this Y/n. I hate myself for what I've done to know, how much I've hurt you-”

“When did this start? When did you start seeing her?” You could hardly speak, you didn’t know if it was the shock or because of the tears that fell down. Max shook his head before looking up at you through his tear stained eyelashes.

“Please Y/n, I love you, only you. I can’t do this without you, you know I can’t. I’d take this all back if I could -“ 

“How long Max?” It was your turn to talk through gritted teeth. You felt yourself tense, almost bracing yourself for his answer. 

“A few months.” Barely above a whisper Max admits. 

You let out a breath you didn’t realise you were holding, not caring anymore about how much you were crying. You were hurt. Your heart has been ripped apart by the one person you’ve ever truly loved. 

“All the time you accused me of cheating, and it was you all along? How could you do this to me? To ME? Of all people Max. I’ve been there for you, I’ve supported you when no one else would. I’ve listened to you when no one else would. I’ve been the one person to stand by you throughout everything. I mean look at me. Here I am giving you a second chance after you lied to my face! How could I be so stupid.” You slightly laughed at yourself. 

“You know, everyone told me this would happen. That you’d do this to me. And do you know what I’d say? I’d say, ‘my Max would never do that. He wouldn’t treat me like that.’ Look how wrong I was with that one! You won Max. You broke me. You proved everyone right.” You grabbed your things and began to leave, not wanting to stand there looking at him anymore. 

“Y/n, please-“ 

“Leave me alone Max! Don’t you think you’ve hurt me enough? Please, please leave me alone.” You walked out of the room, you leant against the wall as you sobbed into your hand, attempting not to make any noise in the corridor. You hope he gave you the entire truth. You had heard enough at this point. Even if there was more to know, he cheated on you and he lied to you. Nothing can be worse than that. 

It felt like a long walk back to your apartment. Back to square one, let the heartbreak start again, you thought. You phone was crowded with messages and missed calls from Max. You quite simply turned it off and laid on your bed. You were somewhat excited to see Max again today. You were still hurting, still unsure whether to trust him or not. But he’s your love. You’ve practically dedicated your life to him. You don’t really have anyone here in Monaco.. should you just move back home? Your mind races with questions you feel you’ll never get the answer to. Why you? What did you do? Was it your fault? Did you really push him into her open arms? Your head ached from crying, you were sick of crying. When heartbroken you get to a point where your head stops caring, you want to stop thinking of them, you want to stop caring for them, longing for them. But your heart always knows what it wants. 

You sat up, getting changed into your own clothes, instantly throwing Max’s into the small bin you had in your bedroom. Maybe taking something for your headache might be a good idea to help you get some sleep tonight. You were tired of being tired, you thought. You once again slightly laughed at yourself. How your life has come to this. You grabbed some tablets and some water from the kitchen, leaning against the counter whilst looking at the calendar hanging on the wall. You quickly took the tablets, washing it down with a gulp of water before slamming the cup down, you ran over to the calendar to make sure what you were seeing was correct. You turned the kitchen light on and took the calendar off the wall trying to work it all out in your head. You can’t be, you must have the date wrong. Fuck. 

You were late. You rushed to the bathroom, slamming all the drawers and cupboard open, frantically trying to find a test that you know you have laying about somewhere. 

Waiting for the result was the longest three minutes you’ve ever encountered. This will make everything even more complicated, you thought to yourself. Can you really go back to Max? Does he even deserve to be a part of a childs life? Can you ever trust him again? Can he really stay loyal? Oh fuck, please be negative. Your hands shook as you picked up the test, not wanting to look but also wanting to see immediately. 

Two lines.. You were pregnant.

What the fuck do you do now..? 

*********************************************

[americaswritings]

Invisible

Warnings: Angst, Insecurity & Self-doubt, Language

Summary: The reader stays with Tom and his friends during quarantine. To protect her from media and fans, the reader can’t been seen in any social media posts. It leads to her feeling more and more lonely and isolated until she can’t take it anymore.

Words: 2.6k 

Pairings: Tom Holland x reader

A/N: I wrote this when Tom hosted the marvel pub quiz, but completely forgot to post it!

ADD YOURSELF TO MY TAGLIST

"That's it. Thank you for joining and taking part in the quiz! I hope you had as much fun as we did and don't forget to post your answers using the hashtag massive marvel pub quiz so we can find your answers easier. Stay safe and healthy. Bye guys!"

You watched as Tom's face disappeared and the live stream ended.

But the excitement that you had felt when you had first heared of the idea of a marvel quiz was gone. Now you just felt empty. And alone.

You knew that you were overreacting, after all Tom and the others were just a few rooms away, but you couldn't help and feel left out. Again.

You weren't invited to join the live stream in the first place so why join them know?

You knew that Tom only wanted to protect you and himself by keeping you out of the public's eye. If they found out that a female in his age was spending the time during quarantine at his house, they would go wild. You could already imagine the headlines that would follow.

After all Tom had exerperienced how far his ‘fans’ and the media would go when a photo of him and Olivia had gone viral.

Only a few blurry images and both Tom and Olivia had been attacked for weeks, even so far that the girl had to make her instagram private, yet the hate comments never stopped.

And Tom knew that he would never risk the chance of you having to read through pages of hate comments of people that didn't even know you. Because if they did, they knew they could never hate you.

You were kind and loving and you cared a little too deeply.

Tom still remembered when you had called him crying, because you didn't feel confident enough to go out after some girls in your class had made it their mission to target all your insecurities and make mean comments whenever you passed them.

He still remembered the anger and hate he felt inside of him when he listened to your sobbing and how the girl's words had gotten to you, to the point you even believed them.

So when you had moved in with him and the boys, he had decided to keep you out of everything that could reveal to the world that you were living with them. You had agreed without a second doubt, because in that moment it seemed the only rational and responsible thing to do.

Now you weren't so sure anymore, because it hurt so much to be invisible every day. You had gotten used to the fact that you could only watch their instagram stories, live streams and tik toks without being able to join them. But what hurt you even more were the little things.

"Hey y/n, could you leave the room for a sec? You are always in the background of the video!"

A second often turned into hours and soon you found yourself retreating to your room more and more to avoid having to leave and get hurt again.

Yesterday you had decided to do a little game night and you felt so carefree that you came to the conclusion that you were being ridiculous and should rather enjoy the time with them instead of obsessing over your feelings. But then you had laughed over something that had been said and Tom has sighed, dropping his phone.

"Great, now I have to delete that, because you were laughing in the background", he stated, clearly frustrated and you felt heat rushing to your cheeks.

"I'm sorry", you mumbled but it sounded more like a question than a sincere apologzy, because really, what where you even apologizing for? Harrsion had leaned over to get a better look at Tom's phone. "That would have been a great post, mate!"

You adverted your eyes, starring at the table and analysing the natural pattern of the wood to try and distract yourself from the embarassment and the tears that had filled your eyes. "I know right", Tom sighed again and you crounched down in your seat even more.

"I will do that again now so you have to be completely quiet now y/n, got it?

You wanted to scream at them, because you weren't dumb and yet they were treating you like a child that had misbehaved and was now lectured. But you only gulped and nodded, fearing that if you said something, your voice would break and reveal how hurt you really felt.

While they recorded the story again, you listened to their loud laughter as you fought back the tears.

Eventually you excued yourself, mumbling something about having a headache, but you doubted that they even noticed.

Now you could hear them laugh again and even though Tom's laugh was one of your favorite sounds, it now cut deeper into your heart like a knife. 

You were still staring at your phone screen where you saw photos of answer sheets already popping up. You had gotten around 20 answers right, but you didn't feel proud.

When Tom had told you about the marvel quiz you had been beyond excited. Since you could remember you loved the marvel movies. Your rooms had been filled with posters and other merchandise and your friends only rolled their eyes when you suggested to watch a marvel movie during your movie nights.

You had build your knowdlege over the years and loved to challenge Tom, who thought of himself as a big marvel fan as well, regarding who knew more about the marvel cinematic universe.

So when he came up with the idea of a marvel live quiz, you insisted to take part and therefore hear the questions for the first time during the stream so you had the same chance as everyone else.

But as soon as Harry and Harrison had joined the live stream your enthusiasm had faded. They were having so much fun and you were sitting in your room, all on your own. The familiar feeling of loneliness and self doubt had accompained you the rest of the live stream and now that it had ended you just wanted to crawl under the covers and weep into your pillow.

Maybe you were clingy and needy and overthinking again, but you couldn't help the overwhelming sadness and you began to doubt if staying with Tom was a mistake and if your friendship meant more to you than the others.

Maybe you should pack your things tomorrow and tell Tom that you needed to go home. He would understand if you claimed to miss the comfort of being at your home but then again, you would be even more lonely.

Frustrated you threw your phone on the nightstand and quickly changed into your pajamas before crawling into bed.

In the darkness of the room the disappointment felt even more overwhelming and you grabbed onto your pillow for comfort.

A knock made you freeze and your heart started pouding in your chest. You prayed that the person would leave you alone and go away if you pretended to be asleep so you stayed silent.

"Y/n?"

It was Tom's voice.

"We want to watch a movie. Wanna join us?"

You knew that he wouldn't go away until the got an answer so you dismissed your plan and braced yourself to speak.

"No, I am tired, but thanks." You hoped that Tom didn't notice how nervous you sounded and after an agonizing moment of silence you could hear him mutter an "okay" and walk away.

Did you imagine it or did he sound disapppointed? Now feeling guilty too, you covered your face in your hands in frustration.

Why did everything have to go wrong?

And wait...did you still have your make-up on?

You let out a sound of frustration when you realized that you had to get up again to wipe off your make-up. You had applied it because you wanted to feel your best during the quiz you had been so excited for, but now it meant walking all the way to the bathroom.

Which meant leaving your room again.

You slowly opened your door, peeking out to check if the corridors were empty. You proceeded to tiptoe to the bathroom and closed the door behind you while relief flooded you. You really didn't want to meet anyone now, not when you felt like breaking into tears every second.

When you looked into the mirror and began to wash your make-up off, you allowed yourself to let the tears flow. A few sobs escaped your mouth, but the bathroom was far enough from the living room so they wouldn't be able to hear you.

Without the make-up on, you felt a little more relaxed and you couldn't wait to get into bed again.

But when you reached your room without running into anyone on the way, you were more than surprised to see that once you had closed the door and turned around, you weren't alone.

Tom was sitting on your bed, looking up at you when you entered the room.

You could conclude from the frown that covered his face that you looked as horrible as you felt. Your eyes were probably still puffy and red from the crying and your hair was in a messy bun.

"Tom?", you stuttered, too shocked to come up with something that would save you from this conversation. "What are you doing here?", you added, hating how weak your voice sounded.

His frown grew even deeper and he mustered your apperance, hurt visible in his eyes.

"You were so excited for the quiz so when you didn't leave your room I grew worried", he explained while you akwardly stood next to the door, leaving as much space between the two of you as possible.

"Oh that- I just didn't feel good so I decided to sleep early today", you tried to brush it off, but you knew that Tom would not fall for it.

"Why have you been crying?"

His question was acommpanied by a stern gaze and you couldn't help feeling guilty and ashamed.

"I- I wasn't", you stuttered, but it didn't even sound believable to your own ears. Tom raised his eyebrow, but when he saw how uncomfortable you looked his features softened.

"Hey, you can talk to me, you know that right? Whatever it is, you can tell me and we can figure this out together." His voice was so gentle and caring that tears filled your eyes again and you silently cursed yourself for being so emotional.

You didn't want to cry in front of Tom. It would not be the first time and when it had happened he had always managed to make you feel better and put a smile on your face again, but you also knew the shame that would follow afterwards.

You didn't want him to think that you were too sensitive.

But the tears weren't only a result of your hurt, no, anger was building inside of you at his words. "Really Tom, really?", you snapped and he flinched in surprise.

"Are you sure you want me to talk to you? Maybe someone is filming an instagram story and I could be heard in the background so I should just say nothing at all. Or even better, why don't I just leave the room so there is a lesser chance that I could ruin your precious masterpieces by just existing."

Tom's eyes had widened at your outburst and you actually felt bad for a second, but then you remembered the many occasions he had made you feel like you weren't good enough and the anger came back.

"You know what? I think it would be best if I just went home. I am done being treated like an outsider and being blamed for everything I do!"

Tom had jumped up from the bed and was crossing the distance between the two of you with large steps, but you raised your hands before he could come closer to you.

"Y/n I am so sorry", he stumbled over his words, desperately trying to find the right words. "I didn't realize- I never would have..." Frustrated he ran a hand through his hair.

"Listen, I screwed up! I didn't realize that my behaviour- that I was hurting you and I am so sorry! I just wanted to protect you and now I am the one making you feel this way. Fuck, I am so sorry!"

His words seemed geniune and your heart ached to step forward and pull him into a hug, but you knew that you could not forget so easily.

"I didn't think that this was so important to you. Why didn't you say anything?" He was rubbing the back of his head, seemingly tensed.

"I don't care much about not being in the stories Tom. But it really hurt whenever I am send away so you can film together or when I am told to shut up so I can't be heard while you all have fun together”, you explained, trying to keep your vice even.

“I just feel like I am a burden to you and if you don't want to spend time with me that's fine I guess but I would appreciate for you to tell me that so I can stop trying and just go home."

"No, no, no it's not like that I swear!” Tom seemed desperate again, articulating with his hands to underline his words.

“I miss spending time with you, I really do and it was stupid of me to let myself being dragged into this whole instagram thing!

You know I am normally not the person to care much about posting, but I thought now that everyone is stuck at home, I could make my fans happy and distract them from the situation by sharing more of my life. I should have never put them before you and I am truly sorry!” You could see the regret clearly in his eyes as he took in a deep breath. 

“Please don't go."

You were biting your lip as you were trying your best to stay calm and not break into tears. You had imagined confronting Tom and letting all your anger and hurt out, but now that he stood in front of you with his eyes full of hurt and regret and his pleading words for you to stay, your anger vanished.

"Are you sure?", you asked him in uncertainty, because you knew you couldn't bare if nothing would change. But Tom desperately nodded. "I am. Tomorrow I am going to post a photo to let my fans now that I am taking a break from social media!"

He looked so determined, so sure, that a warm feeling filled you. "You would do that?"

"Of course! I want to make it up to you and besides I was not lying when I said that I miss spending time with you”, he stated, stepping a little closer to you when you didn’t protest anymore.

“You were so distant the last days and I didn't know what to do, so I thought that I should give you space. Seems like that is the last thing I should have done", he sayed with a sheepish smile covering his face.

"Sorry for being so caught up in myself. I should have said something earlier too", you admitted, a small smile forming on your lips, when you felt the burden fall off your shoulders.

"Hug?", Tom suggested and you didn't have to think twice about it.

When he wrapped his strong arms around you, you realized that going back to your place would have been a mistake. Because at some point your home hadn't been a place anymore. Instead it had become a person and you didn't plan on letting go any time soon.

----

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[qyuoza]

Backstabber (PJH)

“You were always mine Park, but now I don’t see a point in that!”

Genre: Angst, fluff if you squint hard enough

AU: Nonidol!au

Warnings: Reader is a murderer, not so but graphic depictions of stabbing and blood

Summary: You thought your life was going so well, you really did, but why did your best friend have to ruin the only good thing in your life?

Y/n didn’t mean to kill her, but she deserved it of course. After all, who wouldn’t be furious when one’s own best friend had stolen their boyfriend? She needn’t known if it was jealousy or simply out of spite.

It was a cold winter’s day, Y/n was at home with her boyfriend Jihoon, the two simply finding it as the perfect way to spend time together.

“Babe, I’ll go make us hot chocolate while you pick a movie ok? Don’t worry, I promise I’ll be quick” Jihoon smiled.

Y/n nodded as she scrolled through all the christmas movies on Netflix. After deciding on one, she opened her phone to pass the time considering the fact that she was waiting on Jihoon.

While scrolling through her social media, a message had popped up on Y/n’s phone. It was from her best friend Minju.

개구리 🐸

Hey Y/n! How are you bff?

To: 개구리 🐸

I’m alright! Hbu :)

개구리 🐸

I’m doing great, listen, I was wondering if you could give me your boyfriend’s social media?

Y/n frowned at her best friend’s message. This felt very incredulous to her, but she simply shrugged it off thinking that maybe Minju was only trying to be nice.

To: 개구리 🐸

It’s @paji00 on instagram!

개구리 🐸

Thanks Y/n!

After clicking off her phone, Y/n heard her boyfriend approaching the living room. With two mugs in hand, Jihoon places them onto the coffee table and gets comfortable beside Y/n.

“Nightmare Before Christmas? You really are something” Jihoon chuckles, putting an arm around Y/n.

Months had passed since that night, and Jihoon had grown distant as time went on. He would always come home late or leave early, which dejected Y/n. Sometimes he wouldn’t even look at her, his eyes constantly glued to his phone.

“Jihoon, we need to talk” Y/n sighed, walking into their shared bedroom. Jihoon looked up at her, one eyebrow raised, ready to hear what she had to say.

“Did I do something wrong?” She asked. The male looked at her, perplexed at her question.

“What? Why would you ever think that?” He asked. Y/n shrugged in reply, eyes now trained onto the floor.

“Is it your insecurities again? God Y/n we’ve been over this, stop overthinking like a baby” Jihoon huffs, running his hand through his hair in frustration. Y/n froze, Jihoon knew how much she hated talking about her insecurities.

“Oh, I didn’t realize it annoyed you this much. I’m only trying to fix whatever wrong I’ve done Jihoon, but I guess I’ll never find out since you’re always so busy on that phone of yours” before Jihoon could say anything else, Y/n stormed out of the apartment.

That same night, Y/n stayed over at some hotel just to cool off from what happened hours ago. “I hate this so much” she whispered, tears flowing down her face.

She loved Jihoon so much, they’ve been through everything together and she didn’t understand what changed. Not even a single call or text from him, she simply decided it was over between them.

While Y/n was getting ready to sleep, she went through her social media to get her mind off of everything, until she came across Minju’s story.

‘Finally yours <3 @paji00’ the text read.

Y/n felt her heart drop in an instant. Had these two been going around behind her back all this time? It couldn’t be.

She didn’t know what possessed her to do this, but Y/n was soon driving over to Minju’s house with no other thought in mind.

“Backstabber, so why not stab her back” Y/n chuckled maniacally. She thought Minju and Jihoon were her last hope, but it seemed the two had her in for the biggest betrayal in her entire life.

As Y/n pulled into Minju’s driveway, she immediately grabbed a knife before heading towards the front door of her house.

After ringing the doorbell, Minju opened it, a shocked expression on her face, which had then turned into a smirk.

“Well, if it isn’t Y/n. How miserable must you be knowing your own best friend and boyfriend were together? Actually no, ex-boyfriend” she said in fake sympathy.

“How dare you ruin the only good thing in my life? I thought I could trust you Minju! But you only ended up stabbing me in the back!” Without another word, Y/n stabbed the girl in the chest.

“You’re a heartless monster!” She screamed, stabbing her in the heart, before landing another one into her throat.

Minju falls to the ground as blood is splattered everywhere, while Y/n made her way back into her car, driving back to the hotel.

Back at the hotel, Y/n had heard a knock at the door. “Who could that be?” She asked herself, looking through the peephole. There she saw the person she would last expect to be there, Park Jihoon.

“Open up before I break the door down Y/n!” He said angrily. Y/n rolls her eyes, opening the door nonchalantly.

“What do you want Park?” She asked monotonously. Suddenly Y/n felt like she was being choked as Jihoon grabbed her by the collar.

“You killed her didn’t you” he crowed, but Y/n only laughed as Jihoon held her harder by her collar.

“She deserved it that bitch! She ruined it all for me!” She laughed harder. Jihoon threw her onto the ground as anger had consumed him.

“You were always mine Park, but now I don’t see a point in that!” Y/n grinned.

© qyuoza 2022 -. please refrain from plagiarizing any of my works and do not repost/copy onto any other sites.

[weirdkpopgirl]

Enhypen Reaction: When You Need Comfort

Reaction: When you need comfort

Reaction: When their s/o needs comfort

Genre: Mostly angst...a little fluff

Warnings: uh...some sensitive topics like food, nightmares, and mental health, self-harm. Please be aware of this before you read!

A/N: I wrote this for anyone who is going through a hard time and needs comfort ^-^

❉ ╤╤╤╤ ✿ ╤╤╤╤ ❉

HEESEUNG

This time you sprang up from your bed, sweating bullets. Sobs escaped your mouth, as you remembered the horrifying nightmare you had just woken up from.

“Bad dream?” You suddenly heard Heeseung’s voice murmur in a sleepy voice. You almost forgot that he was staying over tonight.

You grabbed a tissue from your nightstand and blew your nose, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Heeseung sat up and gently stroked your hair in hopes to comfort you, “You’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately. Is everything okay?”

“This week has been so stressful,” You said honestly. “And you know stupid me always overthinks every little thing.”

Heeseung caressed your cheek, “One, you’re not stupid and two, do you want to talk about it?”

You shook your head, “No it’s okay. I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? Do you need anything?”

You nodded, “Just...just hold me please.”

If Heeseung was more awake he probably would’ve smiled at what you said. He happily brought you to lay back down on the bed and held you as you asked him to. You instantly felt better by his warmth and touch.

“Good night Jagiya,” He whispered.

You snuggled closer so your head could rest in the crook of his neck, before pecking his lips.

“Night, Heedeungie.”

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JAY

You really didn’t want to go to Jay’s dorm at 11 pm, when it was nearly midnight. Especially because he probably had a hectic schedule today and he needed to sleep. But here you were, pathetically standing at his front door wearing only a thin sweatshirt, shorts, and sliders.

“Noona? I didn’t know you were coming,” Niki was the one who answered the door.

You tried to smile at the younger boy, “I’m sorry...but is Jay home?”

Fortunately, Jay had already headed toward the entrance after Niki went to answer the door. His heart rate increased when he recognized your voice. He motioned for Niki to let him know he could handle this. The maknae nodded and carried on with his nightly routine.

“Jagiya, what are you doing here?” He asked without thinking. “I mean not that I mind at all.”

For a few seconds, you looked at Jay who looked exhausted, most likely due to hours of dance practice. You regretted why you even came here in the first place when Jay and his members needed to rest.

“I-I...it’s not a big deal actually,” You lied. “I’m sorry for bothering you guys at this hour, I’ll just leave-”

But Jay took your hand before you could take off, “No you’re not bothering us. Stay.”

When your eyes met his own, he could tell that you need him right now. He knew better than to let you slip away like this when you clearly weren’t okay. He could care less if it was late.

He knew it must’ve been really bad because you never came to him like this. Usually, you kept to yourself. He felt a little guilty for feeling happy that you finally came to him.

“Were your parents fighting again?” He asked after bringing you into the dorm’s living room. He gestured for you to come to sit beside him so he could bear hug you.

“Yeah…” You replied, almost inaudibly. “My d-dad was cursing at my mom and she was saying really hurtful things.”

“And you couldn’t sleep?”

“Yeah pretty much…” You gave a half-suppressed laugh. You always made it seem like a joke when you were talking about your struggles. It was how you coped.

You wiped away tears that fell without you knowing, “I don’t understand why they don’t divorce already. Our family is already a wreck.”

“If I could make everything better with the snap of my fingers, I swear I would (Y/n),” Jay gently moved your head so you could rest on his shoulder.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and hugged him tighter, “Can I stay here, just for tonight? I promise I’ll leave first thing in the morning.”

“You can stay here as long as you want Jagiya,” Jay kissed your temple. “Hell, you could even move in with us if you want.”

“Jay, you know your managers will not allow that.”

Jay shrugged, “I’m sure we could work something out. Besides, I need someone to help me cook for these six children.”

He smiled when he saw you laugh at his humor. At least you were feeling a little bit better.

“But seriously, you’re always welcome here,” Jay said. “Don’t you ever feel like you’re bothering me because you’re not, okay?”

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JAKE

“(Y/n)-ah, I made some ramyeon for us!” Jake came over to you with a steaming pot. You weakly smiled when the puppy came to sit down next to you at the table.

“I’m sorry Jake,” You said quietly. “But I’m not hungry.”

Jake set the food in front of you and pouted, “Really? But this is your favorite!”

“That’s why you should eat deliciously for the both of us,” You encouraged, patting his shoulder.

“Jagiya, I know you’ve been skipping meals recently.”

In contrast to his words, the kindness in Jake’s voice didn’t change in the slightest. You could hear the genuine concern in it though.

You’ve never had such a sweet boyfriend like Jake before. He always wanted to take care of you as much as you took care of him. So whenever something felt off about you to him, he immediately wanted to find the cause so he could help.

“I’m just on a diet, Jakey,” You ruffled his hair, trying to downplay the situation. “I’ve been wanting to lose some weight.”

“Diet?! Why?” Jake was so confused. He had never seen you like this before. “You don’t have any weight to lose, Jagi.”

You avoided eye contact, looking down at your hands.

“I just don’t like the way I look okay?” You said in almost a whisper. “I want to be pretty like all those girls in the k-pop groups.”

“But you’re just as pretty as they are, (Y/n)-ah,” Jake said, not understanding how you could think you weren’t. He absolutely adored you.

“Did someone say something? Is that why you’re dieting?”

You quickly shook your head, “No, not at all. I was just looking through Instagram the other day and I got insecure.”

“I understand how you feel. But you’re perfect the way you are,” Jake said. He made sure to be careful with his words because he didn’t want you to feel hurt.

“And you shouldn’t starve yourself,” He added, taking his chopsticks and twirling some noodles around them. “It’s not healthy and I don’t want you getting sick.”

“Jake…” You looked petulant when your boyfriend held up some food to your mouth.

“Please eat. Just one bite, I promise!”

You just couldn’t resist those brown puppy eyes of his, could you? With a defeated sigh, you let Jake feed you. When you did, he kissed you happily on the lips.

“That’s my girl!”

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SUNGHOON

“What’s wrong?” Sunghoon asked when he saw the look on your face. It was a mix between mild panic and disappointment.

Your eyes didn’t leave your phone, “I-I got 0.5 off on my math test.”

“What? That’s pretty good!” Sunghoon smiled, thinking that you were happy. But you weren’t, you really weren’t.

You knew that everyone hated that overachiever type of person who got angry when they got anything lower than an A. But it wasn’t just that for you. The standards you brought onto yourself was anything you did that was less than a 100, was considered a failure in your eyes.

“I-I don’t know what I did wrong. I should’ve studied harder,” You started to ramble to yourself. “Damn it, now my grade is going to lower.”

Sunghoon’s smile was crestfallen when he heard this. He knew how much of a perfectionist you can be but he didn’t think it was to this extent.

“(Y-Y/n)-ah, are you crying?”

You quickly swiped your cheek with the back of your hand, “I-I’m sorry. It’s just I really want to get straight As by the end of this semester.”

“I know you do. You’ve been working so hard,” Sunghoon said, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “But you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself Jagi.”

“I know...but I can’t help it,” You said, trying to keep your voice stable. “I just feel like I could do so much better.”

Your boyfriend sighed, wanting to cheer you up. He understood the feeling of not being good enough.

“It’s okay to want to improve,” He told you. “But your grades don’t determine who you are (Y/n)-ah. You can fail a class and I’d still think you’re the smartest person I know.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at Sunghoon’s ridiculous statement, “You’re just saying that because you’re my boyfriend.”

“No, I mean it,” Sunghoon insisted. A teasing glint appeared in his eyes. “Should I show you that I mean it?”

“Sunghoon I don’t think-” You tried to say before Sunghoon shut you up with a passion-filled kiss.

He was going to make sure you knew how much he truly admired you, no matter what your expectations of yourself were.

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SUNOO

“I wasn’t yelling at you (Sister’s Name), I was just saying that-” You tried to keep your voice calm. You were flustered enough as it is because you were having an argument with your sister when your boyfriend was here.

“Stop acting like you’re better than me,” your younger sister retorted. “At least I’m not the one who cuts myself!”

Sunoo watched as your face turned red at her sister’s hurtful words. You wanted to scream and tell your sister to shut up and that she didn’t know what she was saying. But you knew that you wouldn’t be making anything better. So you stormed into your bedroom.

Sunoo quickly ran after you, “(Y/n)-ah!”

He made sure to close the door when he entered the bedroom. There you were with your head in your hands, trying not to pull your hair out.

“(Y/n)-ah…” Sunoo slowly walked over to hug you because he knew you needed one.

Tears streamed down your cheeks, “I-I can’t believe...I can’t believe she said that to my face. Sh-she has no idea how crappy I feel.”

“I know,” Sunoo spoke softly, gently patting your back. “Don’t listen to what she said about you.”

You pulled away but still held his hand, “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“It’s okay,” Sunoo reassured you. “I’m right here by your side. So you can just let it all out alright?”

You giggled when he peppered your face with kisses. He always did that whenever you were feeling down.

“Thank you, Sunoo-yah.”

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JUNGWON

It was late in the evening and you two were the only ones still awake at the dorm. You had come over earlier to bring them food and by the time everyone finished eating, it was too dark out. So Jungwon insisted that you stay the night.

That’s what brought you two sitting together on the sofa and just talking. One of Jungwon’s favorite things to do with you was to cuddle and talk for hours. You always listened to whatever was on his mind, whether it was good or bad.

But tonight was different because Jungwon wanted to listen to you talk. He didn’t want you to think that he didn’t care about your life and how you were doing. So you just told him about school and how things were going at home. Somehow the topic traveled to your mental health which was something you hated talking about with others.

“It’s okay, Jagi,” Jungwon reassured you. “You can talk to me, I promise not to judge.”

You let out a shaky sigh, “To be honest I haven’t been doing that great.”

Jungwon sat up straighter so he could listen to what you had to say. Just by your first sentence, he could tell that you’ve been holding in a lot of feelings.

“I just hate myself so much,” You confessed quietly. “And I know, I know there’s something wrong with me.

Even though he wanted to say something, he stayed silent and placed his hand on top of yours.

“But I’m afraid to get help because my-my mom has anxiety and my sister has her own problems and I-I know it’s hard for my dad to handle,” You added, feeling tears build up.

You mentally cursed yourself, you didn’t want to cry in front of Jungwon but your heart wasn’t listening to you. You couldn’t hold it in, no matter how hard you tried. Jungwon held your hand tighter when the first tears fell.

“I don’t want...I don’t want to be a burden to them and I don’t want them to see me as weak. So I decided that when I’m older I can find out what’s wrong with me. But...but sometimes I’m afraid that the longer I wait...the longer I wait...I’m scared that something bad will happen.”

At this point, any walls you had built to protect yourself were taken down. You usually never let yourself be vulnerable in front of someone. You don’t know why you were being so emotional right now. Maybe...maybe it was because you had bottled it all for so long and everything has piled up until now.

Nonetheless, Jungwon didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you. He felt upset with himself because he didn’t know you were feeling like this and he wished he had known sooner.

You harshly wiped your tears away and sniffed, “I don’t even care anymore, Jungwon-ah. I’m fine and I’m...I’m sorry for telling you all this.”

“Why are you sorry?” He frowned. “I’m your boyfriend, so you should tell me these things. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t.”

Jungwon held you tighter and kissed your forehead, “If you ever want to get help, I’m right here for you. And if you don’t then just come to me whenever you need to.”

You listened quietly to Jungwon’s comforting words and let the warmth of his hug envelop you. For the first time, you didn’t regret spilling out your heart to someone. Then just thinking about Jungwon made you realize that-

“You’re not alone Jagiya. I may not understand everything you’re going through but I love you a lot and I don’t want you to feel like a burden anymore, because you’re not.”

“You love me, Jungwon?”

Jungwon looked into your eyes for a moment before he leaned down to kiss you tenderly.

“More than you and I could ever imagine.”

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NIKI

Niki didn’t know what to think when he found you sitting on the floor, hopelessly crying in the dance practice room. You had been here since last night, trying to perfect this one choreography. But you kept making the same mistake no matter how hard you practiced. At this point, you were losing confidence and breaking down.

Niki kneeled in front of you, “(Y/n)-ah?”

“I keep screwing up this one part in the dance Niki,” You cried out in frustration.

Niki gently reached his hand to wipe your tears, “Don’t cry, (Y/n)-ah. It’s okay.”

“No it’s not okay,” You said in denial. “If I don’t get this dance right, I won’t be able to debut. And-and then I’ll let my members down, my managers, and you.”

“(Y/n)-ah, you’re going to debut. I know you are,” Niki tried to encourage you. “Everyone has those off days, even me.”

You had stopped crying by now, which left Niki feeling relieved. Still, he made sure to hug you.

“Let’s just take a break,” He said. “I promise to help you with the choreography later, okay?”

He smiled when you nodded and cutely sniffed like a bunny rabbit. He wasn’t used to taking care of others, but he learned a lot from watching his hyungs. So just like his hyungs, he was going to make sure that you didn’t overwork yourself.

❉ ╧╧╧╧ ✿ ╧╧╧╧ ❉