#i hope I'll write more stuff this month than the next but we'll see

[evdeanwriter]

Canvas | Original Fiction; T

Fictober prompt #1: “I choose you”

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Trish and Seth were the coolest kids in middle school; so punk rock and not giving a damn. They chose to take Jane under their wing, the new kid, and she memorized the lyrics to all their favorite songs—some of them were like poetry, Jane liked those.

Trish helped her thrift the t-shirts with old British bands so that she could give all her goodie-two-shoes clothes to Goodwill. Seth taught her how to climb out of her window before they all snuck out to her first concert. The venue was stuffy and loud. Jane dripped in sweat and someone else’s beer, but she banged her head just like everyone else. Next time, she brought earplugs, but she never put them in.

The day Jane came back home with a mohawk on her head, mom looked like she was about to get a heart attack. Both about the hair and the stench of smoke. Jane and her best friends had shared a cigarette, while Seth was buzzing the long, mousy strands off the sides of her head. Trish used half a jar of hair gel to turn the chopped up top into thick spikes. Jane shivered when the wind grazed her bare skin.

She got grounded for the rest of the school year and half the summer. By the time August rolled in, Seth and Trish had a bunch of new friends they would be going to high school with.

Michelle was the type of girl who gets crowned the prom queen, not the type of girl who chooses to hang out with someone like Jane. But she needed help with literature classes, and Jane’s essay was loudly praised by the teacher that day. Jane didn’t mind writing two essays instead of one from then on, although making them sound like two different people was kind of tough. Still, she managed to squeeze the task in between shopping with Michelle, getting her hair bleached and nails done with Michelle, and sharing earphones with Michelle when they watched their favorite movies.

They grew inseparable and seen. When they walked down the corridor, the other students parted. Michelle taught Jane how to get perfect pics for Insta and how to flirt with the boys—but never keep them. Even when Jane got grounded for maxing out mom’s credit card, Michelle would sneak into her room through the window and tell her all the gossip from the parties she missed out on.

Until the day the only gossip everyone at school was talking about were all of Jane’s secrets she only revealed to one person, her best friend—her ex-friend—Michelle. At least, there wasn’t much school to suffer through after that, and Michelle moved to LA to become a movie star.

Gregory was like a dream. Law major, handsome, well-spoken, smart as hell. The rich family was a nice bonus, but Jane didn’t care about that. She cared that—somehow—he chose her. On their first date, he took Jane out to a fancy restaurant, the kind with big lobster tanks in the middle. She helped him throw his first charity banquet and the hundredth party on his father’s yacht. For the spring break, he took her to Hawaii, where he surfed and she sunbathed all day, and partied all night. All the girls from her classes were so jealous.

Jane’s mom was, at last, happy with Jane’s choices, because she finally found the right company, a good guy.

And she looked great too, didn’t she? With all the designer clothes and the beauty treatments Greg paid for, with those whitened teeth behind her plump lips. She had to look great; look the part. Not just some eye-candy: she had to act properly and think like a high-class woman would, too. And that’s who she was. In the end, his family grew to love her, too.

By then, Greg loved the free-spirited artist, more, the one he’d been cheating on Jane with for months. She was exciting and spontaneous, she loved poetry, too. She wasn’t proper or high-class. And, most of all, she wasn’t boring—that’s what Greg called Jane when she caught him in flagrante delicto.

Greg made Jane move out of their apartment, into some crappy place she rented with her savings.

It was hard to get used to being all alone, with nothing but Jane as company.

Because Jane is… Who is she, exactly? The heir’s bride (not) to be? The prom queen’s best friend? The punk rocker who doesn’t give a damn? Her mom’s polite, well-mannered daughter?

Looking back, it’s easy to see the string of people coming into her life and overtaking it—all of it—just as she let them. She flocked to others like a bird with no sense of direction; her own North Poles. Once her empty canvas got painted over into exactly what they wanted her to be, they got bored of her and moved on.

Only good for anything when a work in progress—and never hers.

She looks into the mirror. Who is Jane? The mousy roots peeking out from under the golden caramel dye? The puffy eyes from crying, the paling skin, and the lips slowly regaining their old shape and size? She’s shedding the latest layer of herself. Her borrowed self.

Maybe living alone for a while is not such a bad idea? Just with herself, with Jane, whoever she is. Maybe she can discover who she is when she’s not someone else’s chosen girl. She can find out what she likes.

That she likes her hair with no product in it, but a banging winged eyeliner on her face. That she prefers silence to music, and hash browns to caviar. That clothes fit her best when they suit her mood, not her singular identity.

“I choose you,” she says to her reflection in the mirror, feeling only a little awkward. A small smile blooms on her face. “I choose myself.”

[thoroughlymodernminutia]

This Christmas - Prequel

Pairing: Benny "Borracho" Magalon x F!Reader

Word count: 8,219

Summary: This is a prequel of sorts to this from last year. It’s basically the how Benny and the reader met, etc

Warnings: Mostly Hallmark-style fluffy stuff, lots of pining, but brief mention of loss, guilt, some foul language. If I missed anything else let me know and I'll add it in. 

A/N: I don’t know folks, I started writing this and was really chugging along and had a whole plan for how I wanted this to be. Then I got sick with everyone’s favorite illness from 2020 and lost a lot steam. I found, I think, a happy compromise with myself because I wanted to post this before Christmas (self imposed deadlines am I right?) and realized I can always I don’t know, post more parts of it later?? I am my own worst critic so if you read this and it isn’t your jam, please don’t say anything lol I’ve probably already thought it, so it would be redundant! Also, clearly, I do not know the proper use of a semicolon, or an em dash and I don't have an editor, so we'll all just have to deal. Anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, all that jazz

-----------

It’s a little after six in the morning and they still haven’t rolled in. Usually, the five of them would have been here for an hour already; a few hungover, one still drunk, and the fifth one acting like an adult babysitter for the other four. It’s weird how this happens–people come into your little donut shop and after a while, instead of you becoming part of their routine, they become part of yours. Eventually they start to feel like stand-ins for the friends you hardly ever get to see. You’re busy with your business and they’re busy with their jobs and families.

It could feel lonely, but you have people like Noreen, who comes in every Friday to buy three dozen assorted donuts for her team. Noreen is kind and not the type of person you envision working at a private equity firm. When you were thinking about expanding into the small space next door, she looked at your plan and helped you figure out where you were being too aggressive and in some cases too shortsighted. She didn’t ask for anything in return, but you made sure her next three dozen donuts were on the house. 

There’s Will, a retired teacher, who comes in every Sunday. He used to come in with his partner, Charles, and they would sit at the table you have set up near the front window. They traded off different sections of the newspaper while drinking their coffee and sharing one old-fashioned donut and one raspberry jelly donut; they never strayed from those. Charles passed away six months ago and it was unexpected. You didn’t expect to see Will for a while, but routine is hard to give up especially when it’s the only thing you have left. Every Sunday morning you set a 'reserved' sign on the table near the window. 

There’s Stuart, who hangs out in the plaza your shop is located in. You’re not sure if he’s unhoused or just likes to spend his day outside, but it felt strange to always see him and not interact with him. One day you invited him to come by for coffee and a donut but he turned you down. You told him the offer was good for any time and that you hoped you’d see him in there soon. He came in a few days later and it made you feel like you were doing some good; and then you felt bad for feeling like that. Stuart’s reserved and not much of a talker so you just let him sit at a table while you go about your work. Some days he’ll start a conversation; it’s rare but it feels like you both trust each other enough to make more than small talk. If you don’t see him in his usual spot outside, you worry. He usually turns up a few days later, but you're concerned that at some point he won’t turn up and what are you supposed to do then?

There’s a handful of people that fall into this category of if they never came back you would notice. It’s because some of them are smart and kind like Noreen. Some because they sit in the same spot, newspaper sections still divided in two, like Will. Some because their silence fills your little shop, like Stuart. And some whose absence you would notice because they don’t fit into these boxes. Sometimes they can be loud or irritating; but they can also be entertaining. And they’re are always five of them, but only one that makes you feel like you’re thirteen and just saw your middle school crush.

They started coming in sometime in February. You only remember because the biggest one said he’s 'not eating a fucking, prissy, heart-shaped donut.' Some men are like that, afraid if they come in contact with something feminine that’s not a woman, that their dick will fall off. He was loud and obnoxious and only one of the other four looked truly embarrassed for the guy and for himself. He apologized for his friend and ordered five large coffees and a dozen glazed donuts. 

“You sure glazed are going to be manly enough for your friend over there?” 

You ticked your head over towards the table where his friends were sitting. He laughed and it was a surprisingly warm laugh for a man with neck tattoos. 

“He won’t even remember being here, let alone what kind of donuts he ate.”

He sounded annoyed but used to the behavior. You remembered having friends like that, in your twenties, but you were well past that age and so were these guys by the look of it. You saw him eyeing an apple fritter so you grabbed it from the case, put it on a plate, and set it on the counter next to the box of donuts. 

“On the house, since it doesn’t look like you’re getting paid for your babysitting duties.”

He smiled, said thank you, and then went to sit with his loud friends. You noticed he was quiet in comparison and thought it would be nice if they were all quiet like that. 

When they were getting ready to leave you saw that the quiet one made sure all the trash was thrown away and all the dishes went into the right bin. At the door as they were leaving he gave you a small wave thanking you again. There was something about his smile that made it feel like flowers were blooming in your stomach. That feeling carried you for a week. You’d think of that moment of him at the door and a fog would enter your brain and the flowers in your stomach would grow larger. 

The feeling would start to subside after a while and you would get caught up in your real life–your business, the rare time with your friends, the occasional bad date. It would slowly drift from the front of your mind to the back. Then they would show up and the cycle would continue. 

The one who had the soft smile and neck tattoo, you learned his name was Benny. And that if you gave him a choice between the apple fritter and anything else, he would choose the apple fritter one hundred percent of the time. The loud drunk, that was Big Nick and he’s only been not drunk five percent of the time they’ve come in. There’s Connors, Zapata, and Henderson–you’ve only heard them referred to by their last names. A thing that you’ve only ever heard men do. They all come in once or twice a month–usually early, usually hungover. It makes you wonder what they do before they end up at your place. You never ask because to know would be to probably ruin your crush on Benny.

Benny always pays and there’s a part of you that hopes he’s doing it just for the chance to talk to you. When he leaves he always gives you a wave goodbye and a thanks again. The flowers in your stomach have bloomed and blossomed to an embarrassing degree by the end of May. And that’s when they stopped coming in. 

—-

Benny shakes his head no at Connor’s who’s trying to hand him a beer, “Not feeling it tonight.”

Benny isn’t feeling it any night, but he keeps that to himself. The drinking, the cocaine, the women, none of it interests him and it hasn’t for a while. Since February if he’s being honest with himself. 

They had ended up at your donut shop, Glazy for You under random circumstances. The usual place they would go to sober up after one of these parties had been closed down by the health department. He should have known it was bound to happen, the place was dim and oddly seedy for a diner. Benny was the designated driver that night, since he hadn’t been feeling well he didn’t drink and spent most of the night ushering random women out of a grim motel room. When he saw Glazy for You as he was driving by, it looked like the complete opposite of his evening; it was bright, there were Valentine’s decorations on the window. It looked comforting and warm, two things he felt like he was missing in his life.

Nick of course was an asshole and Benny felt like he spent a lot of time silently apologizing to you. His apologies must have entered you mind telepathically because you gave him an apple fritter–the best apple fritter he’s ever had in his whole fucking life. There must have been some kind of magic in because that moment lodged itself somewhere in his heart and reappears when he’s feeling low. Like now–sitting in this motel room, on this couch that probably hasn’t been cleaned in two decades, watching his friends lose their fucking minds over shit they should have outgrown. 

Benny hasn’t seen you in months, ninety-seven days to be exact, not that he’s counting. They’ve been working on one case after the next and it’s left time for little else. No post drug test parties, no early mornings sitting in a donut shop waiting for everyone to sober up, no you. It’s been sleep and work for three months straight. Last time he saw you, it seemed like you were happy to see him. Maybe he imagined that feeling; misunderstood the warmth in your smile. Maybe that’s the smile that you’ve practiced in order to be able to perform it for everyone. Maybe everyone feels what he feels when they see you.

Benny sinks further into the couch and looks up at the ceiling. It’s a drop ceiling which brings back memories of a case he had worked on. While securing a crime scene, they were in the living room of a run down apartment. It had this same type of ceiling and a body fell right through it onto the floor. He thinks that maybe this is how it ended up being called a drop ceiling, because shit just drops right out. That thought, that memory makes him realize that he doesn’t want to be in this room anymore. He gets up, grabs his jacket off the back of the couch, and leaves. He hears Connors call after him as he’s closing the door but he doesn’t care. He only has one place that he wants to be right now.

—-

You’re putting a tray of bear claws in the display case when you hear the door open. It’s still early, the sun is barely up, pink and purple hues are still in the sky. You get a lot of municipal workers that come in at this time, barely past opening. So it’s a little bit of a surprise when you get a glimpse through the display case of Benny walking in, alone.

There’s a second while you’re crouched down, adjusting the tray that you let yourself be excited; allow yourself to give into the childish feeling of getting a glimpse of your crush. Your knees are wobbly as you stand up–unsure if it’s because you’re getting old or because he’s looking right at you.

“Oh hey, how’ve you been?” You wipe your palms on the front of the apron you’re wearing. “It’s been a while.”

You try to sound neutral, neither excited to see him or disappointed that it's been so long. He smiles and that familiar sensation of flowers blooming returns. 

“We’ve been working on a lot of cases and it’s been hard to find time for anything else.” 

You lean forward and rest your arms on top of the bakery case. 

“Cases? You guys are lawyers?” As the words leave your mouth you realize how truly stupid it sounds. You’ve never in your life seen any lawyers that look like these guys. 

Benny chuckles and rubs the back of his neck, something he does when feels embarrassed or self conscious.

“No, definitely not lawyers. Detectives. We work for the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department.”

You fail at suppressing a laugh, “I’m sorry. All of you are detectives? Even your friend Nick?”

Benny knows your laugh isn’t mean spirited and if he were you, he’d probably laugh too, knowing what he knows about the people he works with. He moves closer to display case and leans in. 

“Even Nick. You seem surprised.”

“It’s just. I.” You pause, trying to choose your words with care, because you like Benny and you don’t want to insult him, “I mean, it’s hard to imagine being a victim of a crime or something and like Nick is the person taking your statement, trying to help you. That is my nightmare.”

You hope you don’t sound like an asshole, but the idea of Nick serving and protecting seems like a stretch. If you offend Benny, he doesn’t show it, he just laughs.

“The way that you’ve seen him, I can understand the sentiment. He’s not like that a hundred percent of the time. I promise.” 

You give Benny a joking look, “Okay, but what percentage are we talking here?”

You’re both laughing when the rest of the guys walk in. The rowdiness is a shock to your system after not dealing with it for a while. You look at Benny and he’s no longer leaning in towards you and maybe you’re projecting, but you think he looks a little disappointed too.

Benny’s disappointed, but he tries his best to hide it. The guys may be drunk, but they are cops and they are perceptive. Benny already knows he has a reputation among them as being soft. It used to bother him, but it hasn’t for a while. He knows he would rather be soft than be the type of man that can’t feel anything other than bitterness and rage. 

“Borracho, you fucking asshole, you left us.”

Nick, is of course loud and slurring his words. Benny hopes you can’t understand Spanish–he doesn’t want to be known as a ‘drunk’ to you.

Benny turns from you to look at the guys. Connors is propping Nick up; Henderson and Zapata are stumbling towards a table. 

“I was hungry.”

Benny hopes it’s enough to shut Nick up. He knows it’s not because he sees Nick loosen himself from Connors and stumble towards him. He claps a large, drunk hand on Benny’s shoulder and the force almost knocks him backwards. 

“Fuck, Borracho. You’re no fun anymore.”

Nick is a mess and that’s not really that surprising to you. What is surprising is how uncomfortable Benny looks. He has the look of a man who would give anything to disappear. You can’t really blame him, these guys, Nick especially, are exhausting to be around and you only deal with them for a few hours a month.

“Can I get you guys something or are you just going to loiter?”

Benny looks towards you and you give him a sympathetic smile. He shakes Nick off of him and is about to order when Nick lurchers towards the counter that you’re standing behind. You step back as he unsuccessfully tries to paw at you.

“I know what you can get me, sweetheart.”

Benny groans and runs a hand over his face, “Jesus Christ, Nick. Shut the fuck up.”

You step closer to the counter and lean forward, putting a hand on Nick’s shoulder.

“What did I tell you about calling me ‘sweetheart’?”

Nick tilts his head to the side and mutters, “That the next time I do it, you’ll put my head in the deep fryer.”

You pat his shoulder, “Good, you remember.”

You hear Zapata, Henderson, and Connors–who’s joined them at their table laughing and chanting do it, do it.

You gently push Nick away from the counter, “Go sit down unless you’re willing to see if I’m serious.” You look over at Benny, who no longer looks like he wants to disappear. “Benny, five coffees and a dozen glazed, right?”

Benny nods his head, “Yeah, that’s good.”

Nick turns around and starts walking towards where Connors, Zapata, and Henderson are sitting. He jerks his thumb back towards you, “She’s no fun either.”

Benny feels awkward standing here, watching you gingerly place twelve glazed donuts in a box and then pour five large coffees. It’s calming though, watching you do routine things, like you’re slowly rooting out the anxiety of being around drunk idiots. You put the coffees in a tray and place it down on the counter next to the donuts. 

Benny pulls out his wallet to pay, “Uh, sorry,” he pauses, he’s sorry about a lot suddenly, “sorry about Nick. He was acting like an asshole.”

You shrug and hand Benny his change, “Don’t worry about it.”

Benny is sitting with the guys and can’t help feeling like he’s messed something up. You didn’t give him an apple fritter like you normally do. He wonders if you’re mad that he didn’t do something more when Nick was acting like an asshole. Maybe he’s overthinking it–he can’t expect you to give him a free donut every time you see him. It’s possible he’s misread the situation entirely, that you’re just friendly and nothing more. He watches you behind the counter adjusting things, bagging up donuts for customers that have come in. When Benny checks his watch for the time, he misses seeing you slip an apple fritter in a bag and write 'Benny' in a tidy script. 

You watch the guys start filtering out of your place; Nick and Connors are first and from the store window you can see them getting into separate cabs. Benny is still throwing trash away as Henderson and Zapata leave. They share a cab and you imagine that maybe they rallied enough to start drinking again at 7:30am. You see Benny heading towards the door and it looks like he’s leaving without giving his usual wave goodbye. Your stomach sinks a little–maybe he’s mad at you for not joking around more with Nick or the other guys. Or it could just be that he’s tired and wants to go home and you’re creating feelings that aren’t there. 

You grab the bag with the apple fritter from below the counter and hold it up, “Hey, you forgot something.”

Benny looks at the bag with his name on it–it’s the nicest handwriting he’s ever seen. He walks over to the counter and takes the bag from your hand, your fingers overlapping for a fraction of a second. 

“So this means you’re not mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad at you? Wait, you think because of Nick?” You look at him strangely as he nods his head yes, “He’s the idiot, I’m not going to hold that against you.”

Benny smiles, “That’s good to know.” He starts walking away, but stops when he gets to the door, holding up the bag with the donut, “Thanks again. I’ll see you later.”

“Take care, Benny.”

—-

“You like that girl at the donut place?”

It sounds less like Connors is asking you a question and more like stating a fact. Benny’s a little caught off guard and pretends to start looking for something on his desk.

“What?” 

Benny tries to sound confused, like he’s never even heard the word donut before.

“At the donut place. The girl who runs it, are you into her or something? You always act fucking weird when we’re in there.”

Benny thinks back to all the times they’ve been at Glazy for You, trying to remember his behavior. Did he look at you for too long? Say ‘goodbye’ in a way that sounded like he didn’t want to leave. Benny opens the bottom drawer of his desk and pretends to look for something. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Benny knows he doesn’t sound convincing and Connors must hear it too because he keeps going.

“Really?” Connors sounds incredulous. “You’re always lingering at the counter. She’s always giving you free donuts. Any of this ringing a bell for you?”

Benny can feel Connors staring at him. He closes the desk drawer and goes back to looking at the file on his desk.

“Maybe she likes giving away free donuts. I really couldn’t tell you.”

Connors crumbles a piece of paper into a ball and lobs it at Benny’s head, hitting him just behind the ear. 

“Whatever you say asshole.”

—-

The summer goes by quickly–it’s one of your busier seasons. School is out, the weather is nice–there are day camps, company off-sites, and sleepovers. All the types of occasions where the people in charge don’t want to make breakfast but need to provide it. Benny and the guys come in a few times throughout the summer. It feels a little different from before. Benny doesn’t linger at the counter as much anymore and sometimes one of the other guys pays. It’s stupid little things that you shouldn’t notice, but you do, because they used to be part of your routine. It’s embarrassing thinking you let this crush on Benny become such a big part of your life that you’d notice he didn’t pay last time or the time before that. It’s that embarrassment that makes you start building a wall around that garden in your stomach so the flowers can’t reach your heart.

It’s the end of October when you’re opening up one morning and it registers for you that you haven’t seen Stuart since some time around June or July. His absence gnaws at you. You feel like a bad person for not noticing sooner; that feeling that you failed someone even though they weren’t your responsibility. You don’t know what to do or if there’s anything you actually can do. So when you see Benny a few weeks later it feels like a little bit of a last resort when you ask for his help.

—-

You were hoping that Benny would be the person paying this time when they all came in, so you could mention Stuart without having to pull him aside. But he doesn’t and it makes you a little anxious trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about something serious. So it’s a relief when it looks like he’s going to be the last one to leave. He’s behind Connors and when Connors makes it out the door, you stop Benny who’s close behind.

“Benny, hey. Do you have a second?”

You come out from behind the counter, nervously smoothing the apron tied around your waist in short downward strokes. Benny stops and lets the door go from his hand. You look upset and he hopes it’s not because he’s been acting standoffish lately. Ever since Connors asked about you, he’s been trying his best to act normal–whatever that means–around you. 

“Did Connors’s card get declined again?”

You let out a small laugh, “No. Um, I was actually wondering if you could help me with something.”

Benny steps a little closer to you. You have some powdered sugar on your cheek and he has to stop himself from brushing it off. 

“Yeah, of course. What’s going on?”

“This is probably going to sound weird, or stupid. Maybe both. But there’s this  guy who h—”

Benny cuts you off; his voice is a little rougher, “If someone is bothering you, I’ll take care of it.”

You laugh awkwardly, “Oh no, it’s nothing like that. It’s this guy, Stuart. He usually hangs out around here and I have him come in sometimes for coffee or donuts and I haven’t seen him in…since maybe July, I think? I’m just a little worried.” You pause and try to read Benny’s face to see what he’s thinking, “Sorry, this probably sounds stupid to you. I don’t even know what I’m asking.”

Benny scratches his jaw piecing together what he thinks you’re getting at, “Do you know his last name?”

You notice that Benny’s voice has gone back to the soft tone that you’re used to. He’s looking at you with compassion and not like you’re stupid or some kind of burden. Benny is the kind of person that you would want helping you in a crisis and it makes you wish there were more people like him in his line of work.

“I don’t, but I printed a photo from the security camera I have.” You walk over to the counter and lean over, grabbing the photo from under the register. “I don’t even know if you can do anything with that. I watch a lot of crime shows. Don’t judge me.”

Benny laughs and shakes his head as you hand him the photo.

“I don’t want to get your hopes up, but I’ll see what I can find out.”

“Yeah of course. It’s…I don’t know. I’d feel like a bad person if something were to happen to him and I could have helped.”

Benny feels bad because he knows how these things generally end up. Usually there are no happy endings.

“You can’t put that on yourself.”

You nod your head, “I know, but still, you know?”

Benny understands the feeling and also understands it’s easier to tell someone something isn’t their fault than to know it yourself. 

As Benny leaves you start to feel a bit lighter. Like someone has taken some of your worry, some of your concern and is carrying it for you; so you aren’t so weighed down.

—-

“What was that about?”

Benny is surprised to see Connors waiting for him in the parking lot. 

“Nothing. Well, I guess there’s some guy, homeless, I don’t know. He usually hangs out around here. She hasn’t seen him for a while. She’s worried.”

Connors flicks a cigarette on to the pavement, “Figures she’s one of those bleeding heart types. What did you tell her?”

Benny pats his jacket and then his pants pockets feeling around for a pack of cigarettes, forgetting briefly that he’s trying to quit. Connors pulls his pack from his pocket and tosses them to Benny.

Benny pulls a cigarette out, “I told her I’d look into it.”

Connors laughs and hands Benny a lighter, “Chump.” He waits a beat for Benny to light his cigarette, “But, if you want. We can start looking into it now.”

Benny’s grateful it’s Connors out here and not one of the other guys. Benny and Connors go back further than just Major Crimes and he’s someone Benny would trust with his life.

—-

Benny’s worried that he’s going to have to deliver you bad news. Best case scenario seems like Stuart is in jail. Not great, but it would mean that he’s alive. Worst case scenario is that he can’t find Stuart and that usually doesn’t mean anything good. Benny is suddenly hoping for some kind of miracle for a person he doesn’t even know. 

The photo you gave him does turn out to be useful. Connors is able to find him in the system through facial recognition. Stuart Morton has a record; a few arrests for driving while under the influence and some time in a county jail. Benny is able to get a last known address but it’s over a year old. It’s a sober living house that’s not actually that far from Glazy for You. He doesn’t have much hope that going there will bring him any closer to finding Stuart. 

It takes a couple of weeks, but Benny is finally able to meet with David, the director of the sober living facility. He finds it’s better to meet with people in person. Talking with people over the phone, he’s learned, makes it easier for them to not give you the information you need. David of course is a little guarded at first with Benny; not wanting to share anything that could get Stuart in trouble, which Benny can’t really fault him for. Benny explains the situation, that the owner of a donut shop near here is worried because they haven’t seen him in a while. When Benny mentions your name to David, he lights up.

“Her glazed old fashioneds are the best ones in this entire state.” He pauses and to Benny it looks like he’s getting lost in the memory of a donut, a feeling he knows well. 

“I didn’t realize you two knew each other.” 

David turns away from Benny to look through a drawer in a filing cabinet, “Just this year we got to talking and she’s been generous enough to donate breakfast here every month. And recently she’s been working with us on a job training program at her bakery.” 

Benny thinks back to Connors calling you a ‘bleeding heart’ and is glad he came here by himself. 

“She didn’t mention anything about knowing Stuart lived here.”

David pulls a folder from the cabinet and thumbs through it, “Stuart is the type to not overshare, so that doesn’t surprise me.” He pauses to write something down on a piece of paper and hands it to Benny, “Here. This is his sister Noreen’s information. When he left, he was going to be staying with her for a while. Might still be there.”

Benny barely makes it to his car before calling the number that David gave him. 

—-

“Wait, so you’re saying that Noreen, the Noreen that comes in here, is Stuart’s sister?”

It’s late in the day, near the time that you close up. You and Benny are sitting across from each other at the table near the window. It’s hard to believe what he’s telling you, that Stuart used to be a resident at the sober living facility, the one where David works; that Noreen is Stuart’s sister and somehow all these dots never got connected for you.

“She didn’t realize that you two were,” Benny pauses looking for the right word, “friends. She feels terrible that you didn’t know he had moved out of the state and were worried. She said he’s doing well.”

You’re quiet for a moment, trying to take in everything Benny has been telling  you. It’s a lot to process, considering you had been preparing yourself to hear bad news. You can feel your eyes fuzzy with a few tears and feel a little embarrassed to be getting so emotional over the good news.

“It’s such a relief to know that he’s doing okay.” You feel a tear slide down your cheek and quickly brush it away hoping that Benny didn’t see it.

Benny can tell you’re trying to keep yourself from crying and he wants to tell you that it’s okay, that there wouldn’t be any judgment from him. He has the overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around you, but he knows it would be wildly inappropriate. He feels awkward sitting here, looking around, trying to figure out what he should say.

“I like the Christmas decorations you have up.” It’s lame and he knows it, but it seems better than freaking you out with a hug. You smile at him and that feels reassuring.

“You do?” You look over at Benny, nodding his head, “I know it makes me basic, but I love Christmas. The lights, the decorations, the movies, the music. Expect to see a lot of green and red frosted donuts until December 31st.” 

Benny laughs, “I’m looking forward to it.” He looks at his watch and starts to get up, “I should probably leave, so you can close up.”

You get up and follow Benny to the door, you put your hand on Benny’s forearm to stop him for a second and he feels a little spark through this jacket.

“Thank you, again, for everything.”

“I’m glad I could help. And that everything turned out okay.”

You’re not sure what it is that compels you to hug him, but you do. Maybe it’s the gentleness of his voice, or how he’s looking at you in a way he hasn’t before. It feels intimate and dreamy and it’s hard for you to recall the last time anyone has looked at you like that. It happens so fast that Benny barely has time to register what happened.

It hits him as he’s walking to his car–the delayed feeling of your arms around him. It strikes Benny that maybe there’s a chance you like him, that maybe you’re both kind of stupid and clumsy, and afraid to ask the other one out. There’s the realization that one of you will have to make the first move or it will go on like this forever. That he will see you every few months at your job, that he’ll get a free donut occasionally. It’s not enough for Benny and he knows that he can’t be stupid about this much longer.

—-

It’s the last piss test party of the year–the week before Christmas. The concept is idiotic–sure it made sense at one point when Benny wasn’t wading into the deep end of forty. Going to a cheap hotel to get drunk and high, have sex with women that Nick found God knows where. It was never appealing to Benny but he used to understand the idea of celebrating after your mandatory drug test. Now he usually just sits, drinks a beer or two, and tries to avoid contact with everyone. There’s something especially depressing about it during this time of year.

Benny’s spent the last few days mulling over the best way to ask you out. He regrets not asking you when he was giving you the news about Stuart. Although there’s a part of him that thinks maybe you would have felt obligated to say yes given the circumstances. He thinks about asking you tonight, if they end up there, but he doesn’t want to do it in front of the guys because you might feel obligated then too, maybe even feeling sorry for him and not wanting to embarrass him in front of everyone by saying no. If you say yes, he wants it to be because you actually mean it, he doesn’t want there to be any room for doubt.

His decision is made for him, because when they get to Glazy for You, you aren’t there. Benny can’t remember if there’s ever been a time when you haven’t been there, behind the counter, greeting him warmly. It’s a little bit of a shock to his system to see a middle-aged man in a goofy Christmas sweater in your place. Benny’s good at thinking up doomsday scenarios and imagines one in which you’re trying to avoid him, so you no longer work this early in the morning. But then he thinks of when you hugged him and that even though it was quick, it was like your touch had gone directly to his heart. He doesn’t stay much longer, opting to go home, lay in his bed, and try to figure out what he’s going to do.

—- 

You used to hate working during the holidays. Maybe it’s because you were working for other people and not yourself. Maybe it was because the work you were doing felt unimportant and people expected you to care even when everything else around you was winding down. Five years ago the thought of working on Christmas Eve would have made you want to walk into traffic. Now it feels different, like maybe you’re contributing to the holiday experience versus missing out on it entirely. You’ve always loved Christmas, but Christmas Eve is your favorite day of the year. It just feels more special somehow. There’s anticipation and excitement in the air. It’s possible it’s a product of all the Christmas movies you’ve watched over the years where there’s the idea that anything seems possible on this day. There’s something about the idea of your life changing for the better, surrounded by twinkle lights and ornaments that you find very appealing.

The morning is kind of slow–you spend most of it watching holiday episodes of tv shows on your phone. Around 11am you start cleaning up–taking trays out of cases, boxing up the donuts that are left to drop off at the comic book shop next door. You’re looking forward to going home and laying on the couch the rest of the day, queuing up your standard Christmas Eve movies. You’re ready to watch Scrooged and feel abnormally homesick, but then put on Christmas Vacation and remember why it’s never a good idea to spend Christmas with your entire family.

You’re in the back when you hear the bell on the door jingle, letting you know someone is out front. You consider just staying where you are, pretending no one is here so you can wrap up your day. You don’t want to have to tell anyone that you can’t help them with their donut emergency–getting yelled at on Christmas Eve is not something you’ve prepared yourself for today. So it’s a pleasant surprise when you make your way back out to the front and you see Benny.

“Hey, this is a—hi.” You’re not sure why you’re suddenly unable to put together a decent sentence.

Benny rubs the back of his neck with his hand, “Is this a bad time?”

“No. No, well. I mean, unless you were looking for a few dozen donuts. Then it definitely is.”

Benny smiles, “Actually,  I, um, was,” he pauses and tries to collect himself, he can suddenly feel his heart beating in his ears, “I wanted to ask you out. On a date.” The feeling has spread to his skull.

When he says it, it’s almost like the words traveled through your brain and you can’t comprehend what’s actually happening. Benny, the guy you’ve been harboring your fragile middle school crush on, is here asking you out. It makes little, if any sense to you.

“Are you just trying to get more free donuts?”

Benny shakes his head no, “I promise I’m not.”

You’re quiet as you consider what he’s asked–trying to reprocess the information in your mind so that it makes sense. When all the words are finally in place and you repeat them in your mind, you feel some of those flowers that you’d walled up in your stomach starting to push through the cracks.

“Yeah, okay.” You grab a business card from the counter, write your number on the back, and hand it to Benny.

Benny’s not sure he’s ever heard anything better than yeah, okay in his life, it’s like a bolt of lightning right to his core. He puts the card with your number in the chest pocket of his jacket, the safest place he can think of.

“Great. Amazing.” Benny laughs nervously. “I need to get back to work. I’ll text you.” 

“Okay. Well, have a good Christmas, Benny.” 

“You too.” 

Benny gives his standard small wave as he leaves and you lock the door after him. When he’s out of sight you let out a squeal and excitedly dance in place. Your phone vibrating in your back pocket interrupts you mid-happy dance. 

Hey, it’s Benny. Are you free for dinner on the 27th at 7?

Benny watches dots appear and then disappear on his phone. It feels a little bit like torture as he sits in his truck waiting for you to respond.

 Dinner on the 27th at 7 sounds great

Benny releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, Let me think of a place and I’ll text you the address

Sounds good. And you meant Dec 27th right?

Benny laughs to himself, Yes dec 27. I’m not going to wait until jan to take you to dinner

Just making sure 🙂

You read his last text at least ten more times before finally going back into the kitchen like you had intended. Each time you read it, there’s a sensation in your stomach like bricks dissolving and flowers blooming again.

—-

Benny texts you on the morning of the 26th with a restaurant name and an address. You already have the sense that he’s different, the type of person who has follow-through. You try to temper your excitement about dinner with him, not wanting to do that thing you sometimes do where you make something out to be more than it is. You keep telling yourself that it’s just dinner, nothing more. But as you pull up to the restaurant a few minutes late and see Benny standing outside, looking nervous in dark denim and a green flannel, you let yourself think that maybe it could be a little more than just dinner. 

“Sorry I’m a little late, I hope you weren’t waiting long?”

Benny smiles when he sees you standing in front of him, “I just got here a few minutes ago.” 

It’s a lie; the last one he’ll tell tonight; but he doesn’t want you to know that he was so amped up about this evening that he got to the restaurant thirty minutes early. On the way in, when you pass in front of him, your perfume delicately floats by him. It’s earthy, but slightly sweet, with cinnamon and vanilla blending neatly in–he’s sure it’s the most beautiful thing that he’s ever smelled. 

It’s a French restaurant, one that you’ve never been to before, but it’s cozy and still in the Christmas spirit. There are multicolored lights strung up and silver tinsel hanging from the ceiling. 

“Have you been here before?” Looking at Benny from across the table and you can see flecks of silver in his facial hair catching the light of the candle on the table. 

“My sister and her husband had their tenth anniversary party here last year. Most of my restaurant choices come from wherever she has an anniversary party.” 

You laugh, “Nice. Do you just have the one sister?”

Benny has just the one sister, you learn, among other things. You find talking to Benny is easy, he doesn’t give one word answers to questions like some men you’ve gone out with. Where trying to get to know them is like trying to get to know a slab of pavement. He’s funnier than you thought, something that you didn’t expect, but is a nice surprise.

“Did you always want to be a detective?”

Benny butters a piece of bread, “To be honest, the only thing I wanted to be growing up was a magician. I guess I saw one too many David Copperfield specials as a kid.”

You start laughing, “Do you know any magic tricks?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know. What about you?”

“I don’t know any, no.” You shrug jokingly as Benny laughs. “But, yeah, I guess I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to be doing. I’m lucky that things have worked out how they have.” 

Benny’s curious now, “You didn’t always work in a bakery?”

“Nope. I actually used to work in tech. It’s kind of a long story.”

“Well, I’m not in any hurry to end the evening.”

There’s something about Benny that puts you at ease, that makes you comfortable enough to want to open up to him. Something that you would never normally consider doing on a first date. You don’t feel the need to downplay that you made a lot of money when a company you worked for in New York was bought out. He doesn’t flinch when you tell him that the reason you moved to California was because of your now ex-husband. He tells you about his own divorce and for the first time in a long time you don’t feel so unlike yourself on a first date. It doesn’t feel scary telling him that you felt insignificant in your own life because of your work and your marriage. That every conversation with your husband made you feel like a burden.There’s a moment when you start to apologize, out of habit, but he stops you. He smiles when you say that the divorce was the best thing to happen to you because it–and you hate to say it like this–gave you your power back. 

“I always wanted to own my own business and I love donuts, so when the divorce happened, I just said fuck it, and went for it. Just threw myself into it.”

“I’m glad you did, I don’t know where else I’d get an apple fritter that good. And for free.” 

“Yeah, about that.” You smile playfully, “I’m going to have to start charging you before you put me out of business.” 

Benny makes a show of looking at his watch, pretending to want to leave, “I guess we should probably call it an evening then?”

He likes the way you laugh, how it’s kind of loud and fills the room. It makes him feel good, to hear you laugh, to see you smile; like he’s responsible for some bit of happiness you’re experiencing.

“See, I knew this was a scam.”

As the waiter clears the table and they wait for the check, Benny asks you what your favorite donut is. 

You don’t even have to think about it, “Definitely a maple bar.”

Benny watches as your eyes light up, telling him how you first had one when you spent the summer between fifth and sixth grade visiting your aunt in Seattle. He listens to you describe how your mom was, in the nicest terms you can find, an extreme dieter, who tried her best to pass all of her food issues down to you, and never let donuts in the house. But your aunt didn’t care and the first thing she did once she would pick you up from the airport was take you to her favorite bakery. It was the highlight of every summer after that until you graduated high school. It was the first donut you learned how to make because on the east coast they’re hard to find. You laugh when you say the best part of moving to the west coast is that every donut place has maple bars, but you’d like to think that yours are the best. Benny can’t help but think it’s cute.

Benny doesn’t want the night to end; he knows that you took a cab to the restaurant so he offers to drive you home. You try not to sound too eager in accepting his offer, but fail.

“Yeah, I’d love that.”

You ask him if he wants you to put your address into google maps for directions, but he doesn’t need them. Benny spends so much time driving all over the city that he knows every street, every highway, every interstate. The map exists in his head; he can get anywhere without really having to think about it. Benny drives you through some unfamiliar, but beautiful neighborhoods. The homes are still decorated and lit up, it’s like driving through the set of a Christmas movie–the only thing missing is snow.

You ask him more about his job, the guys he works with. You like hearing the stories that Benny has about them. You can tell by the way he talks about him, that he’s closest with Connors. You finally learn everyone’s first names and how Benny got his nickname–which you had previously googled out of curiosity. You ask if it bothers him to be called a drunk.

“Knowing the shit they all get into, not really.”

He says that it doesn’t matter what they call him because he knows that in any situation they’ll have his back and he’ll have theirs. That’s what he cares about.

When he pulls up to your house; a small, one-story home, string lights along the frame and around the windows; it looks exactly like he’d imagined. You both sit quietly for a few minutes unsure what to do next. 

Eventually you unbuckle your seatbelt, “I had a really good time tonight, Benny.”

“Me too. Come on, I’ll walk you to your door.” he looks over at you, “protect and serve, you know.” Benny knows it’s a dumb joke, but you laugh anyway.

When you get to the top of your steps, you find it hard to say goodbye. His face is illuminated by the Christmas lights and you can tell he doesn’t want to say goodbye either. You start to say something, you’re not even sure what, but no words come out because Benny’s mouth is on yours, his hands gently cradling your face. His lips are soft and you can feel the warmth of his tongue asking for permission. You drop your keys onto the porch and pull him closer to you by his belt loops.

It feels like hours have passed when Benny finally pulls away, “Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for months.”

You rest your hands on his chest, “Next time,” you gently tug on his shirt collar, “don’t wait so long.”

Benny smiles as he watches you crouch down to pick up the keys you dropped. When you stand back up, he reaches towards your face, his fingers grazing behind your ear, “Hold on, you have something in your—” Benny sweeps his fingers against your hair and when he brings his hand in front of you, he’s holding a small, folded piece of paper. 

You take it from him, unfolding it. When you see the words ‘what are you doing for new years?’ written down you start grinning, “So you do still know some magic tricks.”

Benny places his hand on your neck, his thumb stroking your cheek, “A few.”

[galvanizedfriend]

Hi Yokan 👋

I have questions

First question - how’re you doing? Hope life hasn’t been too stressful for you!

Second question - have you been reading anything that has really resonated with you in the last couple of weeks/months.

Third (and most weird) question - if you could choose a superpower what would you choose? (Dumb question I know😂)

Fourth question - most proud moment in your writing career.

And final question - how’s writing going with the Wolf? Hope you’ve not struggled too much in starting it!

hope your doing okay! ❤️

Hi, friend! How's it going?

Can I just say, it's so lovely to get all these questions! ✨ I love this so much, thank you! 💝

First: I'm ok! Work is always stressful these days, I don't think it's going to give me a break until at least September. 😂 But it's not the worst right now. Tomorrow is my birthday and I just the best piece of chocolate cake humanity has to offer, so I'm cool right now. 😇 Just wish tomorrow wasn't Monday. 🥲

Second: I have read 7 books this year so far, but nothing that's stood out as being great, sadly. :( Still haven't had a 5 stars. I finished a thriller called None of This is True by Lisa Jewell which was pretty good, if you're into thrillers. 4 stars, maybe.

In terms of fanfiction, I've have been reading random pieces of non-Kc fic, as per usual 😂 But I have also read The Little Wolf by @morningstargirl666, which is absolutely fantastic, if you haven't read it yet. It's a retelling of the show's canon about the Original family and how they were turned into vampires, with special focus on Klaus' werewolf heritage, and it's so, so, so good! And so much better than canon! It actually gives depth to the siblings' relationships, and it has so many little nods to what we know of them in the future. Beautifully woven! I have also read Till I Tasted You by @kirythestitchwitch, which is a canon divergent AU where a spell goes wrong and Caroline ends up finding out Klaus is her soulmate. It's hot, it has absolutely nom-nom-able dialogues and A+++ interactions between KC, it features Damon getting his ass kicked! I don't know, it's just the whole package. 🤌

Third: This would be a very weird question if I hadn't spent an irrational amount of time thinking about that. 😂 I guess it really depends on what kind of universe you mean, because it varies. But I would very much like to have telekinesis like Prue in Charmed.

Fourth: That's a tough one. I'm an extremely critical person of my own writing, so it's hard for me to feel proud of stuff I've done tbh. 😂 But I think I was pretty proud when I finished The Wolf 2. It's not my personal favorite thing I've ever written, but I think it's probably my best written story. I really like the final part of that story, the way I managed to tie it back to TVD, I think it was very full circle and made the story a lot more unique. I also had a lot of fun writing the Mikaelsons and Caroline back in Mystic Falls after the time they spent in Nola. 😂 So maybe that.

Final: It's... going. 🥲 I took a pause after writing two chapters back to back, tried to work on some other stuff, and then I circled back to it. I've actually just started the next chapter, have a couple of scenes. I don't think this first chapter will be a long one, but I think it will take a lot of editing tbh. 😂 I haven't been at most inspired right now, so not sure how much of what I've written will stand the test of a re-read. I had plans to get a chapter out before the end of the month, but I'm not sure I'll manage it. 🥲 We'll see how this week goes. Pray for me.

Thanks for the questions, friend! I hope you have a wonderful week! ✨

[cherivinca]

Since the year is almost over, I wanted to make a small 2023 introspection (as well as talk about 2024 plans...)!

First of all, I hope everyone had a decent year! Mine was... okay. Better than 2022, and I've been feeling better in the latter half, I think, keeping myself busy and studying languages, writing, etc. But basically since graduating back in 2020 I've felt pretty lost (not helped by the pandemic, and the subsequent cost of living...)

In the past year I haven't been posting as much. There's a lot of art I kept to myself this year, and others I've posted on my (very small) personal tumblr blog. It's been harder to feel like it's "worth" posting here, though I hope I can change that

The art industry has felt tremendously shaky this year, and it feels even more bleak for someone who hasn't managed to break in <:( I've been working on my portfolio, and there's still more work to do, but I'm applying for schools this fall; if nothing job-wise comes up, then I will probably go back >< I'm already at a slight disadvantage since I don't live in the provinces that have studios, but I can't afford to move unless I have a job... haha (pain). I don't want to call it giving up, but gaining new skills might be helpful regardless. Even if it becomes a hobby, it might make me feel better 🥲 I never planned to be commission-dependent for so long

Anyway, I booked my first international trip (to Europe!!) this coming March, because I told myself I'd finally do it after getting my passport back in 2019 (expecting to travel after uni.....lol) so I'll be taking on comms primarily to help fund that in the next few months. I need enrichment in my enclosure, badly

I've been writing this year too. I don't know when/if I'll share my story stuff here (maybe related art...?) or not, but we'll see if I ever do anything with it. (It's wlw/fantasy hehe). In general, I hope to feel better about posting here, and maybe start making a small amount of merch!! I've always wanted to try :) And stream more, if I can!

Thank you to everyone who has supported my art this year, whether it's been through likes, rbs, following me, or commissioning me. :* Especially in this past year. I can tell that a lot of people have less disposable income, but I really appreciate people who have commissioned me regardless (which is another reason I worry for the future...)

Here's to more art & cool things in 2024!! And hopefully better times!!

[recurring-polynya]

Fanfic Round-Up 2023

I was looking at last year's round-up in preparation for doing this and it is very hilarious because it starts out with "well I set a new record in sucking" and let me tell you: I have blown away last year's new record in sucking.

That's not entirely fair-- last year, I had a pretty big word count before I stripped out everything that I hadn't actually written that year, which knocked it down to about 113k. This year, I posted an extremely sad 58,086 words, but if you add in the fanfic I spent half the year working on and haven't finished yet, it gets back up to about...113k. This is still roughly half of what I used to be capable of, but I guess I'm just not anymore. I actually tried to quit writing in the first part of the year, because it was making me miserable, but it turns out that then I just got I-am-not-writing-miserable, which was much, much worse, so I just started Doing It Miserable. I finally started feeling a little better around October before I got kneecapped by Christmas, just like I do every year. Anyway!! Here's the goods:

Most of this year's Squad Six is Jerks (volume 4 of my multi-year collection of short stories) was stuff for RenRuki week, so technically it got written in December of 2022, or before because at least two of them were things I had lying around. It includes Part 3 of my silly Renji-joins-Squad 4 AU, an angsty TYBW healing springs story, some zanpakutou nonsense, and a nice Rukia birthday story that I'm actually pretty proud of. Later on in the years, as part of the Bleach Returns event to celebrate cour 2 of the anime, I wrote a little post-lude to the Rukia's arrest scene, which I am never not thinking about.

My big accomplishment for the year, I guess, was go places, a Rukia-and-Renji-prepare-to-try-out-for-the-Academy story. I had started it years ago, and it was just this little, no-plot thing that I was fond of, and I decided to dust it off and make something of it. That turned out to be a ton more work than I expected, but I'm actually really proud of the result, which is a little bit melancholy, but also full of heart (and world building). Please read it if you enjoy scenes where characters go to the post office.

On my usual one-every-three-to-twelve-months pace, I wrote two adult fanfics this year. One is the (loose) sequel to the other. If you like stories about people having sex in extremely inconvenient places, please check out the very descriptively named Rukia and Renji Bone Down in the Urahara Shouten Stockroom and/or Things to Do in Hueco Mundo When There's a Sandstorm and You're Stuck in a Cave.

The last thing for this year was a fraction of your happy heart (irresolution doesn't suit you), a nice story where Renji and Orihime commiserate about the long-haul pining lifestyle and then go fight each other for funsies. Now that I think about it, this was another one that I pulled out of the dusty WIPs pile and finished off.

I guess that was a big theme for this year, which on one hand, sounds kind of lazy, because all I did was finish things. On the other hand, I finished a lot of things, which is sort of the perpetual lament of the fanfic writer, so good for me. Also, it was easy for some of them, but for others, it was a lot of work (I am looking at you, go places).

Also, I very much did spent a lot of time working on my next installment of the Heart is a Muscle. There's still a significant stretch to go, but I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to complete it in the first part of 2024, before the Summer Vacation slump (I have now learned to set my expectations very low for June-Aug and also the month of December, because that's just how it is). After that, I'm optimistically hoping to pick up and complete a little in love now and then as my fall project, but that's a long way off, so we'll just have to see.

[buckets-and-trees]

Have you ever had a dream that either inspired a fic, or you were already writing a fic and a character showed up in your dream? Maybe a smutty time dream?

I WISH I HAD SMUTTY TIME DREAMS THAT WERE CLEAR ENOUGH THAT I COULD BRING THEM BACK AND WRITE THEM!

I know that I dream fairly often, but dreams that I wake up from and remember things significantly? Those are more rare. In those dreams there are sometimes clearly future smutty intentions, but not always.

There's a dream that I had a few months ago - maybe October - that I think could be a nice second-chance kind of rom-com novel. It could be turned into fanfic and star one of the Sebastian or Chris characters we love, but... hmm. I told one of my moots about it when it happened, so that's why months later I still remember quite a bit of it. Let me share, and we'll see what you think...

I'll use a "reader" pov so it's more accessible as a narrative.

You move back to the city where you went to high school for a good job. It's not a big city, but big enough that even though you were worried about seeing people you knew when you was younger, you actually don't almost at all. You settle in and establish a few new roots.

A couple of years down the line, you finally do run into someone from her past. And not just any someone: it's the boy you always had a crush on throughout high school. Sure you liked other guys, but he lived on the street behind you, and you always loved him. You never dated but became generally good friends (didn't hang out exclusively, but had mutual friends, so you sometimes ended up at the same hangouts or adventures on the weekends).

It's the middle of the week and you have run into him while picking up something at a Home Depot. He's there getting some plastic storage boxes. He's warm and friendly, and seems genuinely happy to see you. He tells you he's getting boxes because he's actually moved back home and is living with his parents until he can find a more permanent place. He says he'd love to see you again soon, asks for your number, and you give it to him.

It totally got you nostalgic and hopeful, but you tell yourself to keep your heart settled and not blow this up to be more than it is.

He texts you a few hours later and says how nice it was to run into a familiar face, but it doesn't go much beyond that.

You look him up on old socials - you had been connected on a few platforms, but neither of you are very active at all on any of those oldies. Instagram has the most recent stuff, but his posts are ages old. You do see some of the stuff from when he got married, posts from those early years, and not one, but two kids, then it kind of drops off.

Friday night after work, you get another text from him asking if you want to come over to his parent's house the next day for lunch - he knows it's not fancy, but he's got a lot of unpacking still to do, but would really love to see you if you don't mind coming by for a while and catching up while he takes a break. You agree.

Because even though you saw what you did see on socials, you also looked at his left hand when you bumped into him at the home depot, and he wasn't wearing a ring.

He's in the garage when you pull up to his parents' house in the old neighborhood you two used to share, and he greets you warmly. It's chaos in the garage - he's sorting through boxes and furniture - but he leads you into the house where it's only mild chaos. There are toys here and there in a few of the rooms. He leads you into the kitchen and says you should sit down at one of the stools at the counter while he makes lunch. It's grilled sandwiches, potato chips, and a pasta salad and fruit he pulls out of the fridge. You tried to offer to help, but he told you it was easy and you were his guest and this was not at all fancy for catching up, so he insisted on prepping with no help, just your company.

It's not the first thing that either of you brings up - he wants to hear about your life these days, your job, etc - but then he does bring up the whirlwind of his life. He had been living out of state with his wife and two kids - girl and boy - and his wife passed away. His parents and her parents had flown out a lot to help with the kids, but longterm he knew he wanted them to come back home, be closer to family. He had just waited until his little girl was done with her year of kindergarten (so that not everything in her life would be uprooted) and he had secured a new job here, and then moved back.

Today his parents took the kids to the zoo so he could get things a little more settled - sorting through what they need now and what can stay packed up until he can find a new house.

He says he's not looking to get into anything quickly, but that seeing you his first day back in town? Thinking of you more than once since then? He says he doesn't want to hold off on a future either. That he'd like to just get to know you again, see where things go.

There was a bit more to the dream, but... what do we think? Novel potential? Try it as a fanfic first? If fanfic, who would this guy be?

[pallastrology]

first quarter - updates, goals, reflections

artwork by jakub schikaneder

hello friends, how are you all doing? something a bit different tonight, i hope you enjoy anyway! back to astrology from tomorrow <3

i can't believe we're in april already... it's been a really interesting few months for me. i've been settling into a new house and new area, getting on with university assignments, and i feel like i'm slowly starting to come out of the haze that came over me when i had my baby. it's amazing how long it's taking, but i suppose it just goes to show how huge the impact is.

speaking of uni, it's been going well! it's stressful, but stressful in that it challenges me and i really care about the standard of my work. for more on that, see my january, february and march uni diaries.

in terms of my blog, i've been afk quite a lot this month, and have been finding it tricky to keep up. i've been thinking about it a bit, and have decided to slow down with planned posts - from 1-2 posts a week to 2-3 posts a month - and set aside an evening a week to answer messages, make moodboards or play ask games, and if i'm feeling it, i'll write and post something there and then. i'm going to try this out for the next few months, anyway, and we'll see how it goes :-)

some posts i wrote recently that i was really happy with are my observations posts on capricorn, aquarius and pisces! they've been fun to write and i feel like people enjoy reading them too, which is always encouraging. i also liked the post i wrote on imbolc, which isn't astrology, but witchcraft and paganism cross over with the astrology community pretty often.

over the next few months, i'm aiming to upload three times a month, and keep the observations series going. i hope that i'll upload more than that but my main priority right now (after my IRL stuff of course) is to be more present here, rather than just forcing myself to write to a pretty arbitrary schedule. i hope the quality of posts will improve and you'll continue to enjoy my work <3 take care everyone!

[sansxfuckyou]

You're a fucking masterpiece, even without ink, and I'm sorry no one else can see that

Summary: Sapnaps a tattooist, George just wants to get the humiliation of losing a bet to Dream of all people over with, and well, everything kind of goes south from there, all because George gives Sapnap free range for a coverup and the latter simply falls in love with notion of a man whose okay with having 'fuck' tattooed on his neck.

Warnings: Implied abusive relationships, blood, piercings, swearing, check tags for additional warnings.

Authors Note: I physically cannot explain, I assure you, @sobredunia can confirm this, considering she got a play by play of the process, anyways, they r gay and theres qpr between Sapnap and Karl, Quackity and Wilbur make fun of Sapnap, and a bunch of other stuff happens in this fic, reblogs are worth more than likes, hope you enjoy.

The sound of the bell ringing caused him to perk up from his magazine, being greeted with someone who clearly doesn't belong here.

Sapnap couldn't help but smirk as he chewed away at the bubblegum in his mouth, resting his magazine down as the customer walked in. They looked skittish, like they didn't actually want to be here, the followup in all green explained the 'not wanting to be here' part. The artist simply waited for them to speak up, he kept his elbows propped on the front desk; he could practically smell the fear from the small one, distant buzz of his coworkers job probably not helping.

"Hello, welcome to The Techno Tattoo Parlor, what can I do ya for?" Sapnap asked, making sure to wait until the one green opened his mouth to speak, he rarely did this with customers, but, he could get away with it most times, he was far too valuable to fire.

"A chest piece, I was wondering if you would do this one I sketched out," the smaller one said, sliding over a piece of paper sketched out in pen and color, the way he enunciated the 'I's said a bit, Sapnap looked over it, his eyes widening as he scanned the piece.

"And who might this 'Dream' be, baby blue?" Sapnap asked as he gestured to the phrase on it, he got no immediate response.

"That would be me," the taller, presumably Dream, stated confidently

"I expected as much, and, I'll presume your his partner?" Sapnap asked, he got a nod before continuing, "cool, and is this a lost bet or something, because your, ahem, 'good boy' looks rather nervous?" There it was, a slight expressional twitch, a lost bet, bribery or otherwise- he smirked.

"Yeah, I lost a bet, now I have to get a tat," the smaller said, clearly uncomfortable at the idea of getting one at all, or maybe it was just having that statement permanently on him that made him look so squirmy, "my name is George by the way."

"I don't do names for lost bets boys, but, if you can do something else, I'd love to ink up another virgin," Sapnap said, both of them had visceral reactions, he was quick to reaffirm his statement, "virgins of ink, you're clearly inkless George, you look like a baby deer, shaking in your boots."

"Oh, you're not exactly wrong," George said, somewhat ashamed of himself, he had read the reviews, he had seen clips, he knew he would be in safe hands with this guy, so why was he so scared?

"It's a shame that you don't do names over bets, we'll return with a new design in a week or so, maybe a month at that," Dream said, he sounded extremely disappointed, his grip was on Georges wrist now, maybe Sapnap was reading this wrong, but their entire dynamic felt uncomfy.

"Okay, I'll book you in for the fifth of next month, 2 PM, be there or be square," Sapnap said, pulling out a small booklet and writing it down, then he slid off his stool and handed a pen to both, their eyes were transfixed on his snow white, pleated skirt, "boys, eyes up here, I need signatures."

"No you don't," Dream stated boldly, never having heard of such conduct

"You want your George to get a tattoo, don't you?" Sapnap asked, he got a nod and pushed the notebook a little closer, "then sign it, I get the skirts distracting, but trust me, when theres no AC, skirts are better."

"Fine," was what Dream spat as he signed it, so did George, they turned and left, leaving Sapnap with another appointment.

He grinned and scoffed at them, he could tell he was going to simply love marking that boy up, and given the detail, he had a gut feeling it may take more than one appointment. The notion made his heart flutter, even just thinking of the brunette, he was falling in love all over again, although, he usually gets the jitters in the first day of anticipation. Something about doing something so permanent, and so intimate to someone he may never see again got his heart racing, it just felt so amazing and he couldn't begin to explain it.

He propped himself back up on his stool, flipping open to a random page in his magazine, having read it many times before (he doesn't know why he keeps rereading it). Then an extremely familiar face walks in, his roommate, his coworker and a man of many colors, Karl, they both grin before conversation starts. Compared to most of his coworkers, Karl is the only one Sapnaps done work on, and vice versa, and they've been doing so since the beta days of this skill they've honed.

But today, Karl was simply his client.

"You're never going to believe what just happened," Sapnap said, grinning as he stepped down from his stool and pulled his friend into a hug.

"Tell me all about it," Karl simply said, always loving to hear Sapnaps stories, even the mundane ones.

"Two guys walk in right, lost bet, the usual stuff," Sapnap begins as he retrieves his necessary tools and sits Karl down at one of the two tables for waiting, he hooks the power supply to where customers normally plug in their phones, "what're we working on today?"

"I was thinking we finish up this one," Karl said, pointing to the vines running along his arm, they struck down from his elbow like lightning and blossomed into roses at his wrist, one of Sapnaps finer pieces, "please, go on."

"Right, sorry, anyways, small dudes shaking in his boots and I'm just agitating the ever living shit out of the green dude," Sapnap said, smiling as he did so, lining the needle to place and almost starting up before pausing, "and just look at what they want on the small guy." He passed over the design, Karl snickered.

"Greenies got a god complex, or they're hella into BDSM," Karl said, Sapnap agreed heavily with the statement as he pressed the needle to skin.

"I sent 'em off, obviously, they're coming back with another design sometime later, fun pissing off the green guy," Sapnap said, adding shading to thorns as Karl nodded along, "small dude was definitely an ink virgin."

"Seriously?" Karl asked, lifting his eyes from the details, Sapnap lifting the needle and looking up before nodding.

"Seriously," Sapnap said, already thinking of him again, George, excitement usually wore off by now, even without a distraction like Karl, was he actually falling in love? He couldn't be, they barely knew each other.

---

A month passed a lot faster than Sapnap thought it would, and the temperature decided to go from a predictable scalding hot to switching between wear a jacket or I'll freeze balls off and wear a skirt or I'll melt your face off. And he hated when the weather did that, working with a canvas that was shivering was garbage, and so was a sweaty canvas- yet he still shook with anticipation at the thought of seeing George again. He knew his work was being affected by it in ways so subtle only he would notice, but, he didn't really care right now.

He merely cared about getting through it until he got to ink up a chest piece, he hasn't gotten one in so long, its like hes forgotten how people react. He knows that everyone hes done a torso piece on has had sensitive ribs, and if it dips low enough, an extremely sensitive V line. He wonders if his clients are noticing he's been more absentminded lately, he knows his boss has, and he knows Karl has as well, but, everyone knows he won't be fired despite that. And in that month he even got a septum piercing, it bugs him a little bit more than he'll ever admit, but the aesthetic appeal is more than enough to keep him going.

Sapnap gives a recap of the new tattoo regimen to one of his and Karls older clients, Wilbur, who just nods along and smirks because they both know he knows it by heart. They give a prompt fist bump before Wilbur is on his way with a fresh ankle tattoo, a set of stitches to make him look frankensteined, he's getting color in two weeks to make it look bloody. He's usually one of Karls customers, but for simpler stuff he goes to Sapnap who can get it done extremely fast, they could've done color as well today if they were feeling ballsy around the time limit.

So there Sapnap sat, perched atop his stool, crossing his ankles to prevent himself from kicking against the desk out of boredom as he flipped through his magazine. The bell jingles and he's greeted with George, whose wearing a scarf in what feels like a hundred degrees heat, but windchills are a bitch which would explain that- it still perplexes Sapnap. He smiles as he steps down from his stool as George walks in, meeting him halfway to the desk, booklet out with a pen.

"Well then, George, whats the verdict? What design will I get the pleasure of inking?" Sapnap asked, his giddiness was barely contained, came as a shock even to him.

"I just need you to cover something up, any design," George said, glancing to the ground.

"A cover up? I coulda sworn you were inkless," Sapnap said, George shook his head as his fingers wandered to his scarf, it clicked in Sapnaps head, "oh, this is a fresh piece isn't it?"

"Yeah, I uh, I lost another bet," George lied, the tattooist could see right through it.

"Sure you did, wheres greenie anyways?" Sapnap said as he led George to the chair, the latter reluctant to pull off his scarf before he sat down.

"I up with him, it just, didn't work out," George said, pulling off his scarf, Sapnap winced, it was still a bit scabby on the very edges that could be avoided, and the lines were shaky, it all looked so, broken, an amateurs work, but one where he could see there was struggle.

"Oh baby," was all Sapnap could barely muster at the sight, so much pain was held there; he pushed the thought aside as he hooked up his pen.

"Will it hurt?" George asked, his tone was shaky as Sapnaps spare hand ran over the tattoo, it felt more like a wound, a scar, from Georges end.

"You already know the answer," Sapnap said, forcing his tone calm, George nods, taking a shaky breath, "is there anything you don't want me to do."

"Just get rid of it, I don't care how," George said, his breath was staggering as Sapnap drew his nail across the skin in the vague shape of a heart, then a ghost, a flower, many designs until he came to the conclusion.

"You okay if I put 'fuck' in all caps over it?" Sapnap asked, he's wanted to do so for a long time, he got a nod.

The pre-emp to actually putting the needle to skin as mere moments and the reaction was visceral, he pulled it back instantly, refusing to do any more. George gave him a questioning look, but didn't speak up at all as he simply waited.

"Who hurt you?" was what Sapnap asked, his voice quiet and full of worry, he hasn't seen reactions of such a caliber in a long time.

"He did, convinced me to let him do this, said he'd do a great job, turns out he didn't," George explained, "that's why he isn't here."

"We can take as many breaks as you need, we'll get through it, I promise you," Sapnap said, hoping his words were the reaffirmation George needed to power through this.

"Won't it go into your next appointment though?" George asked.

"Naw, Quackitys covering for me," Sapnap said, "ready to continue?"

"Yeah," George said, tone shaky, but he held still, gripping the armrests of the chair tightly.

And the pen was lowered down once again, the reaction was much less this time as the needle was delicately guided across his skin, it stung and vibrated but he held on. He merely hoped that whatever pleather the chair was made of wouldn't give under his grip, his eyes were clenched shut and his teeth gritted, just power through. He eventually gave a whine and twitched a bit on a certain spot, Sapnap pulled away and George released a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

They didn't do anything for a while and just sat there silently until George nodded, his grip on the chair easing, Sapnap offered a hand and George gratefully took it. The squeeze was almost distracting as Sapnap curled the letters along the artery, almost every time he crossed over it he had to pause for George. Tears were gathering in Georges eyes and Sapnap gently wiped them away occasionally, lots of emotions were locked into the green he was covering up. He didn't mind it though, he just paused with George until it was done, still forty five minutes left though, so he went back and made it look nicer. Then he was actually finished, still, time was left, he added a small star here and there, one or two other details, extremely small hearts and flowers until time was up.

"I hope you don't mind the other details I added, there was time to fill and it looked, well, you could still a bunch of what was underneath without them," Sapnap said as he released Georges hand and reached for a polaroid camera, a newer one, he took a picture and handed it to George, the physical copy.

"It looks amazing, thank you," George said, refraining from touching the actual tattoo until after Sapnap added the second skin, it felt weird.

"Glad to hear it, so, ground rules are, don't pull off the second skin for at least three days, fluid might gather, totally normal, when you take it off just wash it twice a day, don't tear it up though, make sure not to scratch it or take a soak in a body of water, showers are good though," Sapnap said, rattling off protocol as George nodded along to the list, "and you can always come back for another if you ever want a chest piece."

"Right, could you like, email me that list?" George asked as he sat up, tilting his head from side to side, felt weird, although, he did enjoy the way the white ink laid over top the green below.

"Obviously, just send one over and I'll give you the list," Sapnap said, rifling through his belt pockets for a business card, handing it to George.

"I don't know if I'll return but, I'll be sure to recommend The Techno Tattoo Parlor to my friends," George said, standing up and reaching for his scarf, carrying it under his arm instead, he wiped his tears away one last time.

"Ha, yeah man, hope to see you again," Sapnap said, offering a fist-bump, instead he was caught in a hug, not the first time its happened, but this was the first time its made his heart skip a bit.

"Thank you so much," George said quietly before breaking away and making his way out the door, the bell jingling on his way out, leaving Sapnap speechless.

He simply took a seat, quelling the red on his face as he sat in the silence, Karl is never gonna let him live this one down if he learns about it.

"Some Brits really got you down that bad Sap?" one of Sapnaps coworkers asked, Quackity, although only a business name, everyone called him that, he was working the counter at the moment.

"Shut the fuck up," Sapnap spat back in response, gaze never leaving the floor.

"I'm telling Karl," Quackity said bluntly, smirking as he did so.

"You wouldn't dare!" Sapnap exclaimed, snapping up to meet his friends knowing gaze, an eyebrow quirked.

"I would dare, I will dare, and I'm going to dare," Quackity said, already pulling out his phone, Sapnap only groaned.

---

"Karl!" Sapnap practically shouted as he slammed open the door, it banged against the wall, his roommate jumped and something shattered, followed by a quiet 'fuck!' before Karl walked out.

"You're in love," Karl simply said, leaving Sapnap speechless as his throat dried, "Quackity told me."

"That gossipy bitch," Sapnap muttered under his breath, Karl nodded.

"You're cleaning up the broken dishes bro," Karl said, his tone was an order not a suggestion and Sapnap went to speak, "yes I'll listen to your lovesick ramblings."

"Good, because I have a lot to say," Sapnap said as he dropped off his bag at the door, walking over to the kitchen to find a broken plate on the floor, he went to speak, "actually, maybe I don't."

"Fine by me, just get it done quick, Wilburs dropping by for a piercing," Karl said, Sapnap nodded as he picked up the chunks and placed them on the counter, leaving to search for a broom.

"Doesn't he hate piercings?" Sapnap asked.

"Despises 'em, but he says it couldn't hurt that bad," Karl said, before Sapnap could ask he answered, "yes I'm charging him only half price."

"Good, he's been one of our best clients, literally doesn't move a fucking inch," Sapnap as he swept the porcelain debris into the dustpan, pouring them into a garbage can.

"I know right? For real, he is by far the best person I've worked on," Karl said, gesturing a bit as he leaned against the counter, Sapnap nudged him aside.

"Same here, you think Quackity will ever get a tat?" Sapnap asked before yanking the faucet over, their sink having a retractable and extendable one, he had to hold his head at an awkward angle to get a decent flow without choking.

"Who knows, he's a weird one," Karl said, he shrugged his shoulders a bit as he did so, "anyways, tell me about this Brit that's got you down bad?"

"Karl he's perfect, sure, a little messed up, but I can fix him, poor boy got coerced into getting tatted by his ex," Sapnap explained, Karl smirked at the 'I can fix him' because he knew better than anyone that there was no Sapnap could fix anyone.

"Do go on, how was he under your gun?" Karl asked, Sapnap gave him a blank look.

"We call it a pen in the industry Karl, lets be professional," Sapnap said, his tone almost mocking, "but he was perfect, a little skittish, but otherwise, he was just great, we didn't do ribs today though, only a coverup."

"Think he'll come back for a rib job?" Karl asked, Sapnap shrugged his shoulders.

"No way to tell, he seemed pleased about it though, I hope so," Sapnap said, Karl placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, either way I'll be here to make sure you can never live it down no matter what happens," Karl said in a comforting manner with a smile.

"I know, no need to remind me," Sapnap said, doorbell, both of them were to to rush to answer, they weren't fast enough though, as Wilbur simply let himself in, dropping his bag by Sapnaps.

"You guys should start locking the fucking door," Wilbur said as he walked past them straight to Karls makeshift piercing shop, both Sapnap and Karl were swift to follow, the latter taking an extra moment to wash his hands.

Wilbur sat on the ground, legs crossed, Sapnap sat across from him leaned against a wall, and Karl walked in, flicking his hands dry of soapy water. He hummed to himself as he grabbed needles and a bit of everything, unsure of what Wilbur was gonna ask for, he sat down directly in front of Wilbur. Sapnap simply watched, unsure of the piercing art, it looked simply enough, but at the same time, there was a larger chance of messing it up.

"So, what'll it be, my first real customer," Karl asked as he held up the various needles, Wilbur visibly tensed.

"Just go right through the this part," Wilbur said, gesturing vaguely to the edges of his ear, a cartilage piercing right along the side.

"Perfect, now, hold still," Karl said, dotting the spot with a pen of some type, he brought up the needle, "Sapnap go get a towel in case theres excessive bleeding."

"Bleeding...?" Wilbur meekly asked as Sapnap turned to leave with a prompt 'got it' but he was out before the needle went through.

He did distantly hear a meek yelp followed by muffled sounds of agony and comforting words as he grabbed a towel. He made sure to dampen it, he grabbed a cup of water as well, just in case, his return greeted him with a sight that made him smirk. He never expected to see Wilbur nearly fainting and practically crying as Karl of all people threaded an earring through the bloody hole.

"Sapnap," Karl said, Sapnap wordlessly handing over the towel before the blood was dabbed away, then he handed over the cup of water,

"Fuck, why does it hurt?" Wilbur asked keeping his tone steady despite the desire to just sob, he's used to tattoo pains, but this? This is different and he hates it, never again.

"Because I shoved a needle through your ear, that's why," Karl said, patting Wilbur on the shoulder, keeping the damp towel pressed to his ear, "and don't worry, you're doing much better than Sapnap when he got his septum pierced."

"Woah now, let's not get ahead of ourselves," Sapnap began to try and defend himself.

"He was crying like a bitch," Karl said, Wilbur snickered a bit at that notion.

"I was not crying like a bitch! I was crying like a dignified dude who just got a needle shoved through his nose," Sapnap said, although, it did little to help his case, it drew another moment of laughter from Wilbur though.

"Sure you were," Wilbur said, glancing up at Sapnap with a smug look on his face, the latter looked away.

"I fucking wasn't," Sapnap said.

"Then how about you sit down and get a needle through the ear too, piercing bros or some shit like that," Wilbur challenged, Sapnap quirked a brow, "any piercing."

"Fine then, be that way," Sapnap said as he sat down beside Wilbur, casting a side eyed glare to him, "Karl you know how to do tongue piercings right?"

"Of course I do, but uh, I highly doubt you want a tongue piercing, it gets really bloody, really fast," Karl said as he stood up and grabbed the supplies, Sapnap didn't say anything, only stuck his tongue out, "okay then."

Karl was there was a lot of blood, a lot of pain too, and even some sobbing and screaming garbled cusses at him. Wilbur was practically laughing the entire time, because he's never seen Sapnap so temperamental before. It took nearly an hour of agony for him to calm down and just rest his head on Karls shoulder, blood still oozing a bit, and the permanent taste of metal was something he wasn't looking forward too.

"How could you do this to me Karl?" Sapnap groaned, eyes closed and mouth hurting.

"Cause you can be an over competitive bitch and took Wilburs challenge," Karl answered, running his hand through Sapnaps hair.

"Idiot, see you in a month or two though, one of you at least," Wilbur said as he stood up, Karl nudged off Sapnap before standing up as well, leaving Sapnap on the cold, carpeted ground.

"First, you'll need these," Karl said, handing two bottles to Wilbur who seemed perplexed, "read the instructions, if you have further questions, just gimme a ring."

"Oh don't worry, I have lots of questions," Wilbur said before turning to leave.

"Karl, you're making dinner," Sapnap groaned, face pressed into the ground, it didn't hurt so much as be extremely numb now, it bothered him deeply, the sensations.

"I figured as much, and we're having soup tonight," Karl said as he lifted up Sapnap and helped ferry him off to the couch.

"What? But we literally have a steak in the fridge, waiting to be cooked," Sapnap whined as he slumped himself on the back of the couch, able to see enough of the kitchen to watch Karl cook.

"Do you really want to be chewing steak with a fresh tongue piercing Sap?" Karl asked, glancing over his shoulder as he reached for a carton of chicken broth.

"No," Sapnap said.

"Exactly, so we're having soup for a couple days," Karl said as he put on a pot, tying his jacket around his waist promptly afterwards.

"Do you think George'll like it?" Sapnap asked, piquing Karls interest.

"And who might this 'George' be?" Karl asked, Sapnaps face heated up.

"That guy I was talking about earlier, the one Quackity told you about," Sapnap said, the realizing he hadn't mentioned Georges name once dawning upon him.

"Oh! That guy, I see," Karl said, his smirk was hidden by the fact he was turned towards the stove, "I'm sure he'll love it, if you ever see him again that is."

"Don't even joke about not seeing him again," Sapnap said, groaning as he did so, was he really stuck in a spiderweb of emotions for a client he may never see again? Yeah, yeah he fucking was, and he's not going to deny that truth from himself, try not to at least.

"Eh, at least we'll have guys like Wilbur, he's reliable," Karl said, trying to get a rise out of Sapnap with his phrasing.

"No, that's not what I mean, I just want to see him again, he's so pretty, he let me put a capitalized 'fuck' in calligraphy on his neck for all to see Karl," Sapnap said, "and not to cliche, but I'm in love Karl and I cannot stress that fact enough."

"He'll send you an email eventually, then you'll basically have todays variant of 'getting a girls number,' except its a guys number, because you are queer as the ever living fuck my guy," Karl said, pausing between his statements to correct himself, trying his hardest not to stumble over his words, "ask him out if he comes back for a rib job."

"Ask him out? Karl you're insane," Sapnap said, his tone was genuine and dramatized.

"You'll have already laid your hands all over him at that point, why not, worst case scenario he rejects you," Karl said nonchalantly.

"I know," Sapnap groaned, he started on the meander over to Karl.

"So just ask him out, do it, no balls," Karl said, Sapnap only gave a dissatisfied sound in response, "do you really want Quackity making fun of you for this until you die?"

"No," Sapnap whined, slouching on Karls shoulders again.

"Then do it," Karl said, "I don't like seeing you in a funk man, and you'll be having a month long depression fest if you miss your chance, or if you get rejected, this is a challenge by the way, if you don't I get free range on all of your equipment."

"A challenge, with my equipment on the line?" Sapnap asked, Karl nodded.

"Yes, if you don't ask him out, I win, if you do, I lose," Karl said, Sapnaps mood lightening a little bit at the notion of a challenge.

"Alright then, challenge accepted," Sapnap said as he pushed himself off of Karl who smirked to himself.

"Good, and no being an emo cringefail leading up to Georges rib job, brings down the entire shop man," Karl said, laying down the final term in their little bet.

"Of course not, never know when it'll be someones first," Sapnap said, he flinched back a bit when the piercing hit his teeth, no one noticed, his dignity remains.

---

The bell jingles as Wilbur walks in, Quackity looks up and chuckles a bit, Wilbur can only roll his eyes.

"Yes, Quackity?" Wilbur asked as he meandered over to the chair he always sat at when waiting.

"Nice piercing, makes you look cringe as fuck," Quackity said, eyes trained on Wilbur.

"Yeah, what about it, I may be cringe but I'm free," Wilbur stated in his defense, "how long is it until Karl is done with his client?"

"Thirty minutes, just raring to get your first tattoo by none other than moi?" Quackity asked, getting a bit of a glare, he chuckled to himself.

"The only reason I'm settling for your inks is because Sapnap is booked up to the tits with that stupid Brit," Wilbur stated boldly even though he's been admiring Quackitys work for a while now, unable to get a single time slot until just now.

"Tell me about it, the poor boy is just obsessed, one time his client passed out and he just started going off about that guy, George, I think thats his name," Quackity said, aware that Sapnap could most likely hear them, he was currently doing work on some kid named Ranboo, just barely old enough to get one, the ID even looked a little bit false, he was passed though, "for real though, Sapnap needs to ask him out."

"Please, Sapnaps only asked someone out once and the rejection never left him, he's gonna bail last second, even if this George ends up a masochistic fuck and starts moaning like a bitch in heat," Wilbur said, drumming his fingers on his thighs.

"You're absolutely correct, and no one can deny that fact," Quackity said, nodding a bit, "but seriously though, who did that piercing man?"

"Karl," Wilbur answered.

"No, really?" Quackity asked, leaning over his desk in a way that somehow added extra emphasis to the way he quirked his brow.

"Seriously, Sap even got his tongue piercing from Karl, he cried like a bitch," Wilbur said smirking at the memory.

"I'll take your word for it," Quackity said, promptly before the bell jingled again, in walked a guy in blue, with 'fuck' tattooed on his neck, that had Wilbur invested in whatever was up with this guy.

"I'm here for the guy who wears skirts," he simply said, Wilbur and Quackity exchanged glances before the latter of the two actually did his job again.

"That would be Sapnap, and you must be George," Quackity said.

"Yeah, that would be me," George answered.

"He talks about you nonstop you know?" Quackity asked, he noticed George tense.

"Really?" George asked, Quackity nodded, even though he was not nearly half as valuable to the place as Sapnap, he could still toy with the clients sometimes.

"Nonstop, all we hear about is you," Wilbur chimed in, George turned to see a different brunette sitting by the window.

"He loves you dude," Quackity said, pointing the eraser end of a pencil in Georges direction.

"I highly doubt that," George said, clearly flustered at the notion.

"Oh, he would say otherwise if he wasn't a pussy, you can hang out with Wilbur if you want too," Quackity said, smirking as he did so, proceeding to use the same pencil to gesture to where Wilbur was patiently seated, waiting for Karl to be ready.

George reluctantly meandered over to sit across from Wilbur, hand absently reaching for the tattoo on his neck, he loved it he did, but it got him a lot of questions. He could practically feel Wilburs eyes searing his skin as they trained themselves on Sapnaps inking; a prompt sigh. He lowered his hand entirely and gave a gesture to speak which Wilbur was very, very attentive to, responding almost right away.

"So, whats the story behind the uh, the fuck on your neck?" Wilbur asked, trying to find words to phrase the question professionally, but he really couldn't.

"Coverup, bad blood, needed to forget," George explained, using as little words as possible to do so.

"Shit man, that's a mood," Wilbur said, stretching his arms a bit before pulling up his sleeve to reveal a tattoo of a similar origin on his wrist, George stared at it, a skull, "still though, keep pushing, you made it this far didn't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I did make it this far," George said, not expecting life advice from a guy looking like Wilbur.

"Exactly, whatevers coming at you, just remember, give 'em a fuck you and watch 'em turn tail and run," Wilbur said, he perked up a bit when he heard footsteps Karl stepped out first before a guy in green walked out second, Georges eyes instantly snapped themselves into staring at the table, at Wilburs hands, at anything but the guy in green.

Of course, the idea that if he acted like he wasn't there he wouldn't been seen didn't work in a mostly empty tattoo parlor.

"Hi George," Dream stated quietly once he was standing at the table where George was sitting, the Brit looking up and forcing eye contact before speaking.

"Dream, fuck you man, I'm not having a conversation with you and risking ruining a perfectly good day on a gaslighter like you," George said everything falling out of his mouth at once, Wilbur looked more shocked than Dream did, "please, just, don't talk to me."

"I just wanted to say the coverup looks better than my own work," Dream said, pivoting on his heels to leave, letting George, Wilbur, Quackity, and now Karl stand in silence.

"Was that the guy?" Wilbur asked, George nodded, "nice one dude."

"What the fuck do you mean by that, he could've jumped me, I don't know what hes like now," George explained, unaware of the fact this conversation was digging into Wilburs time slot.

"I woulda punched him if he hurt you, you're kind of whats keeping Sapnap going right now," Karl said bluntly, "and Sapnap is the last thing keeping this place afloat, also, you seem like a nice dude."

"I'm with Karl, that guy looked very, very punchable," Quackity said, completing forgetting to mention the whole 'doing it to defend you part' and mainly focusing on the 'getting to punch an asshole' part.

"Everyone in this parlor would punch that guy for you, for anyone in this parlor really," Wilbur said, that statement almost made Georges blood run cold, "we're a community, and we've been meaning to get an uptight Brit in the gang, although, how uptight of a flighty broad can you be when you have 'fuck' tattooed on your neck?"

"I'm not sure whether or not I should be scared, or comforted," was all George could say.

"I don't see any reason we should hurt a guy like you, to repeat, your the one keeping Sapnap afloat," Karl said, and as if on cue, Sapnap walked out, followed by one of his clients, he could barely see the small crown etched between his neck artery and the collarbone.

"What he said, good luck, he won't treat you wrong," Wilbur said before standing up.

"C'mon Wilbur, that conversation dug into our time slot," Quackity said as he hopped off of the stool which Karl swiftly took residence of.

"Well sorry for wanting to comfort the guy," Wilbur said in an overly dramatic tone, he finished with a smirk as he followed Quackity.

George listened as Sapnap gave the routine to his client before wishing them farewell with a fist-bump, then he noticed George and trotted over. He sat parallel to George, propping one leg over the other as he rested his elbows on the table.

"So, baby blue, what can I do ya for?" Sapnap asked as George pulled out a piece of paper, the design consisted of thorny vines and tentacles, wrapped around ribs, and somewhere behind it, a heart- Sapnaps eyes widened.

"I don't know if its too much, if it was we don't need the heart," George said, gesturing to the hyper realistic heart behind the ribs.

"No, it's fucking awesome, I just, I'm not sure if we'll be able to get color or shading done in this appointment, probably only the line art if anything more," Sapnap said before bringing his eyes back up to Georges, "and I kind of want to know the story behind it to, because this is a banger tat."

"You'll hear the story once you have me under your gun, nice piercing by the way," George said, sticking out his tongue after mentioning the piercing instead of just saying it was a tongue piercing.

"Thanks, Karl did it for me," Sapnap said before standing up, he brushed down his skirt, pleated and white as always, today's heat was sweltering to the point he even dropped his usual short cut hoodie for a sleeveless shirt instead- those contributing factors gave George an impeccable view of the ink that curled around Sapnaps arms and rested on his shoulder like a sign of regalia, a crest royalty; each design intricate and unique but all syncing up.

George couldn't help but stare at the tattoos as he followed Sapnap, eyes trained across the delicate black swirls and acute edges of reds and blues, it was intense. He could never imagine himself enduring so much pain, but here he was, coming to Sapnap with a multi appointment design. He gave a shuddering sigh, that is going to be a lot of pain, he still pulls of his shirt and takes a seat either way, leaning back relaxing as he lines up the design to give Sapnap an idea of where to put it.

Normally Sapnap free hands his art and hopes it comes out looking accurate, it almost always does, but this time he pulls out a marker and starts to etch the shapes out so he'll have something to follow. The felt tip brushes over skin with ease, one hand pressed upon on Georges chest so he has a constant sizing scale for comparison, he just hopes George doesn't notice his shaking. Sure, he's done intricate back pieces before, but this is different and he doesn't how exactly its different, his breathing is deep and slow as he tries to stay steady- that all goes to shit when he pulls back and grabs his pen, the shaking returning tenfold.

He places it upon one of the outer tentacles, outlining the sucker cups before curving the edges until they collide with thorny vines, he makes sure to add extra lines to the vines, details. He repeats the simple process with each tentacle and each vine, curving and curling, pulling away from time to time just to make sure he hasn't made any noticeable mistakes, and too his delight, he hasn't. But, it still takes much longer than he would've liked, and he still hasn't even touched the ribs or the heart below them; George asks a question, pulling his attention from the time.

"Hey Sapnap," George began, Sapnap pulled away from his canvas.

"Yeah," Sapnap said, he had to wipe the sweat from his brow and try to halt the shaking of his hands.

"Whats the story behind the heart?" George asked, tilting his head in the vague direction of said heart before Sapnap pointed to one, then another, until coming across the one.

"The half heart, I was bored, didn't have the patience to do both halves," Sapnap said, shrugging his shoulders a bit before leaning back down, he ghosted what was already engraved with his pointer finger before placing his finger atop the sketch, trying to get an accurate read on where to line up the ribs.

"Oh, that makes sense," George said, his breath caught when Sapnap hit one of his ribs, the latter didn't notice.

Sapnap continued in that fashion, running his fingers along Georges ribs one or two more times before placing down the pen and running it along the outer edges, not quite laying atop the bone. The line was harder to get straight than he'd admit due to the nature of going beside a bone, the muscle and skin acted different, pulling and pushing in different ways. But once he was working on the extremely small cracking patterns throughout the ribs themselves George tensed up entirely, sharply sucking in a breath and not moving an inch.

"Good boy..." Sapnap murmured quietly as he pulled his pen along the cracks, they were thin and intricate, but not coating the entire thing- he couldn't've ignored Geores reaction to the words if he tried, he kept talking, "I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime or something."

"Like what?" George asked, his voice came out swiftly and tense, nails nearly tearing the pleather because it was just a bit to much sensation.

"Me and Karl usually watch movies on Saturdays, you could tag along if you wanted too," Sapnap offered, he lifted his pen after finishing the cracks and waited for George to breath again, all that was left was the heart, then he could call it a day and schedule for a later date, if there was extra time, he could do more.

"Sounds great, I'll uh, I'll send you an email about the address later," George said, he felt like his throat was in knots, he wasn't even gonna look at his new ink until it was done.

"Sounds like a plan then, now hold still," Sapnap said before pressing down the pen again.

The heart was a bit easier than expected as most of it was obscured by the ribs, but he was still extremely careful as too not mess it up this late into the process. To say he was proud of his work would be an understatement, this was by far the best things he's ever done, although, he would have to hand it to George for the design. He didn't expect the Brit to come to him with something so intense, but, he didn't expect to get a tongue piercing either, the world is full of surprises he supposed. But when he finally lifts the pen for the last time, George heaves a breath and speaks.

"It's symbolic of my struggles, even when things seem ugly, something beautiful is still underneath," George explained abruptly, almost catching Sapnap off guard.

"Huh, that's beautiful man, you know that right?" Sapnap asked, George shook his head.

"You're the first person whose seen the design, let alone know what it means," George said as Sapnap applied the second skin, once he was done George spoke again, "I don't know if we'll have enough time, but, could you also give me a half heart?" Sapnap glanced up at the clock.

"Barely," Sapnap said before grasping Georges upper arm, "I don't usually do spontaneous shit, so considering yourself lucky."

"Please, I do everytime I'm in your grasp," George stated causing Sapnap to nearly choke on his own spit as he engraved half a heart into Georges arm, a matching design to his own.

"You really do?" Sapnap asked, keeping his eyes trained on his work, he could feel the blood pulse under his grip.

"I mean, aside from the fact you're one of thee best tattooists in the city, you're like, a fun guy to be around," George said, Sapnap was beyond flattered at the compliment coming from George of all people.

"Thanks for the compliments, and you," Sapnap said as he lifted his pen before going back down to add the other half of the arrow, "well, you're a fucking masterpiece, even without my ink."

"I know many people who would disagree with that statement," George said, Sapnap shrugged his shoulders as he finished the tattoo up, he added second skin.

"It's a shame no one else can see that then," Sapnap said as he helped up George, "try not to wear tight shirts until the healing process is over."

"Okay, I'll try," George said as he made his way to leave, halted by Sapnap.

"Wait, I just wanna say that you are by far, one of the coolest people I've worked on," Sapnap said, he was kicking the ground with one foot, "and you didn't give me a fist-bump."

"Right, almost forgot," George said before bringing Sapnap in for a hug, this was just going to be a thing now wasn't it?

"See you on Saturday I guess, or sooner if you want a piercing," Sapnap said, George gave a nod before leaving.

"See you on Saturday," George said before closing the door, the bell jingled.

Silence once again as Sapnap sat down beside the window, that quaint silence was impossibly short lived as Karl simply had to say something.

"Well I'll be damned, you asked him out," Karl said in disbelief, he got a glare from Sapnap, "I have to tell this to Quackity."

"Don't you fucking dare," Sapnap threatened, Karl shrugged his shoulders before doing it anyways.

"I'm telling Wilbur too," Karl said, his smirk was evident, Sapnap groaned.

"Fine then, be that way, but I have an adorable date and you don't, suck on that," Sapnap said, somewhat proud of himself for arranging one date with George, hoping it would become a more than one time occasion.

[sardonic-sprite]

I'm Back!

Wow, so Lent is over now, so my tumblr fast is also over and I'm still a little in shock, lol. I had hoped the past six weeks? I don't know, Time is weird, would be more productive but at least I got SOME stuff written/posted. Anyway, I have one more month of school and then fucking FINALS so expect sporadic updates at idiot-o-clock hours of the night, and maybe yell at me to sleep, eat, study, or drink water whenever i do post 😅

I am up to SO EFFING MANY wips rn on so many different fronts you guys have no freaking idea 😭 so here's a status report for EVERYTHING on or going on sardonic_sprite. (Its gonna be a monster post, y'all, bear with me)

in absolutely no particular order:

Wayne4Ham: We have a LONG way to go with this one, so just be patient and I'll slowly but steadily plug on through. Aaron Burr, Sir, should theoretically take me no longer than end of april

Wayne-Crazy: there's like 4 specific requests on it, plus a few 'series' i started, but after those, say 6-7, i'll probably mark as complete and only re-open if someone offers me an idea

Batman Beginners: i'll tell y'all up front, this one will take me forever. i don't even know what all I intend to cover, but know that i'm halfway done with the DITF arc, and it'll probably come out in the next two months

Just A Kid: this was my shits-and-giggles fic that got like 3000 notes in a weekend lmao. it's something i do intend to continue bc its so fun and i enjoy the concepts in it, but i don't have plans to actively write more of it in the immediate future.

Rev Wayne: just gave y'all Jason's fic, so the next probably won't come until late in summer, extrapolating from my few data points. if anyone has ideas for timmy's intro, let me know, i'd love some inspiration

Celeb Batwaynes: reported separate from wayne-crazy for reasons. i think theres like 12 specific requests plus 2 ideas of my own. i may put out a poll for the next one to write, but not until after school's out, because these fics are HUGE time-eaters for me. speaking of, are non-tumblr-users able to vote on polls?

Welcome to Gotham U: this was again, me doing shit bc why not. will probably add more in the style that i first posted, but i doubt i will write any prose for it. if you would like to give it a try, please reach out, i'd love to see what you write!

One Diamond: every time i touch this i make the cliffhanger worse lmao. i finally do have a direction, but execution is gonna have to wait a while.

The Young, Innocent, and Righteous: this is mostly just for me anyway, but i'm just gonna say that i'm waiting until i finish watching miraculous season 5 before i go any further

AS you wish: i have 5 more requests to do and i am so sorry to everyone waiting you do not deserve this lmao. i promise im trying, i love your ideas, it just takes me a really long time to fill in the rest and then actually write it. the next one on my list is particularly hard to pin down and so it's halting the ones behind it to. if not before, then after finals i will sit and bang my head on the keyboard until something good comes out

Light Isn't Fadin': soooooo many people have asked me about this one oof. SOMEDAY, i swear. right now its a huge, nebulous, hulking monster and im sorry it's just not happening yet.

A christmas carol: wait until december. please

Father's Day: june.

A Little Problem: over the summer, i will watch marvel movies until they once again hijack my brain and fuel this to completion. maybe.

easter eggs: how the fuck did i forget this lmao. i'm doing as much as i can in april, but when the month is done, i'm sorry, we'll all be waiting until next lenten season. hopefully it won't come to that.

aaaaand i THINK that's finally it. there's also a bunch of random paragraphs in word and google docs that may appear, not to mention ideas that kidnap me in dark alleys. but i also have like a good half dozen other wips for other places that im trying to attend to, so please be forgiving if it seems like its taking a while to post something as sprite.

as always, i love questions, comments, concerns, even some complaints, so feel free to interact.

See ya when I see ya!

sprite

[mountainmaven]

It's just been a lot.

I was so proud of myself for handling all that I did last week...until I reached my limit and broke down on Friday. My husband wasn't home yet (he'd be home that afternoon). We had the neighbor plow the driveway and while that was helpful, it wasn't quite the stress reliever I thought it was going to be. It was good, don't get me wrong, I just thought I'd feel more relieved than I did.

I was going into the workroom to put some trash out there (until I could get to that trash cans that were still buried in snow outside) and I saw that we had several drips coming from the ceiling/beams. The side deck of the house is above the workroom (we think the workroom used to be a garage that was converted (and not well)). But a couple of years ago we had the deck resurfaced with that cool decking stuff that they use around pools. We did have one small drip in that room last winter. But this was way more. So I dried what I could and covered everything with a plastic tarp - well not even a tarp, but a plastic drop cloth that you use for painting because that was the only thing I had that was appropriate. This was when I lost it, I just started to cry and I video called my oldest and told her "I just needed to talk to someone who loved me." LOL It was helpful just seeing her face, and hearing her voice.

In the meantime I was waiting for an inspector to show up as we have to do radon mitigation in our house. We recently discovered that we have high levels of radon in our home. So he was coming to look at the house so he can write up a proposal and tell us how things would go during the process etc. (That went fine by the way, and so far the estimate is significantly lower than we had anticipated - though we still will have to factor in travel, lodging, and Per Diem expenses as they are from up north in the state, but it still should come in at less than what we had anticipated which is really good news).

So while I was waiting I was doing some dusting in the living room and that's when I noticed that one of the ledges in there was wet. So this is where the a-frame roof meets the half wall. This particular spot on the outside is currently covered with plastic tarp from the siding project because they didn't have roof tiles to replace the ones they had to remove to redo the flashing. Well with the amount of snow we've gotten it's gotten behind that plastic and is now seeping into the living room (there is one other small spot on the other side of the room - again same issue - siding messed up flashing).

The inspector showed up, we walked the house, he told me about mitigation etc. Then hubby came home while the inspector was still here (thankfully so I didn't have to try to remember all the details he told me).

We spent this past weekend working on massive snow removal on the side deck and the roof. (the seepage/drips in the workroom are also from the roof/flashing issue). My husband had to chip through approx 8 inches of ice on the roof, after taking the snow off.

I've said this before and I'll say it again this is a learning year for us for sure. And I truly hope we do better next winter - I mean how could we not??

But also when I had my breakdown I was so upset with myself because I automatically felt like a failure. Like my breakdown completely negated my successful 4 days prior to that. Which I know it didn't, but that was the feeling and that was the first thought that entered my mind. And that sucks.

My Jeep is still buried under snow (more so now obviously) and it still isn't going anywhere anytime soon - even if it wasn't buried. Because my battery that is less than 6 or 7 months old is dead from the cold weather and lack of use. So we ordered a car battery charger, but we haven't been able to use it yet because of the snow LOL. But once we do we can get it started so I can get it back down the mountain and back to the Jeep garage and have them look at it. And going forward we'll have to address that issue as well. We know the things that will help, but they don't help us at the moment. Again - hopefully we'll do better next winter.

[fountainpenguin]

Blog Stuff

^ Like, "FYI if you want to block tags" stuff

Little announcement here: Factor It In is on hiatus for now, probably for the rest of 2023. I know where the story is going overall and I know where the next chapter's going, but I struggled more than expected with the "Torus" voice (took like 6 weeks longer than the other chapters and all of it painful :'D)

I don't want to face a timecrunch struggle with TJ and Rose POVs (two characters who will be new to me), so I'm taking the bi-weekly update stress away and putting the 'fic on hiatus for now. But I wrote 77k before a hiatus was needed so I'm proud of that <3

We've got some 130 Prompts coming up as well as "Unicorn Years" for Origin in September (and hopefully a special Friday the 13th piece in October). In other words, FOP stuff is still bi-weekly as usual.

-> As a reminder, the 130 Prompts are posted in the order they are for a reason. You don't have to read them all if you don't want to, but extra context is always nice. If you've been dragging your feet on "Looking Back" by any chance... I might recommend that before the next update, which is "Sentry" ;)

On the "off" Friday I'm planning one-shots for various fandoms, especially shorter character studies. Really want to practice capturing a variety of voices, some quicker one-shots, and maybe I'll try some characters I don't use a lot. Or I'll be self-indulgent and focus on my faves... who knows.

Hoping to post more Come What May as well since you guys were excited to see it back <3... and it would be nice to actually finish a non-one-shot 'fic for the first time in. 7 years.

It's probably been obvious, but I also took a long hiatus from digital art. Traditional art is more comfy for me and I've been trying new digital programs, but haven't fallen in love with anything (i.e. I've been a vector artist for 10 years and moving from my safe space to different programs and styles is... painful).

I think I'm ready to start pushing my comfort zone, but be forgiving of my digital style because I'm playing around with new tools and this is a big jump for me, ha ha. I think I'm going to do some silly, low-stress fanfic doodles with very little attempt to make them look good, just testing stuff out.

I miiiiiight have a few PMV / animatic ideas, so we'll see

By nature of me posting art for my own 'fics, spoilers be upon ye if you're not up to date with my writing. Relatively recent stuff and/or stuff I consider "big" will get the #ridspoilers tag, but stuff I wrote 6+ months ago is less likely to get the tag, so that's how that goes.

-> #Dog's Life spoilers will get a unique tag because the weekly updates and drama make me say "Yeah, a special tag makes sense," so if that's a 'fic you think you want to read someday without spoilers, consider blocking that sooner rather than later :)

-> I'm also adding a #Pixels Imperfect tag to stuff from that universe (and I'll go back and add it to the chapters I already posted). "Pixels Imperfect" is the series name on AO3 for my digital gremlin Traffic SMP content (Everyone can freely wander around New Star Station outside the game and just puts on their roleplay hats when they go in, everything under this series fits under one umbrella of universe canon, etc.)

-> #Neighborhood Watch is the series name for "we take the roleplay lore seriously, this is their life, no digital world and no roleplay hat to take off" Traffic SMP content. I haven't posted anything for it yet, but I've got stuff in the works (I'm playing with a couple "making every season as canon as possible in one storyline" pieces and </3 it's big divorce speedrun hours for Clocker fam rn)

As for the other 'fics, I've been posting stuff like Origin, the 130, and Knots for 7 years and I feel okay about how that's going- I don't normally get spoiler Asks, but my general rule is to wait 1-2 weeks before I say anything spoilery on my blog. I think that's been working fine and we've got a good system, so I'm not changing anything there.

Lastly - and this is also part of the reason Factor is going on hiatus - it sounds like Traffic SMP Season 5 is just around the corner. For my followers who don't know much about this Minecraft deathmatch series, the creators only play for a few weeks - I think the shortest season was 6 weeks and the longest was 8 - and each creator puts out one episode a week (usually Friday).

So, it's a pretty short chunk of time and I don't want to be juggling too many things while it's coming out. I think this year I want to jump in and create some nice content while it's ongoing instead of just doodling off to the side and keeping it to myself... I need to dig up my old liveblog doodles I never shared, hm.

-> The traffic story canon gets reset every season (i.e. it's unscripted play, there's no continuous plot, and each season starts relationships from scratch), so if you've been enjoying any of my Traffic SMP reblogs, consider looking into it and riding that wave while episodes come out for a couple weeks and we can be hype together <3

-> Stuff for that season will be tagged #traffic spoilers, which is the tag I use across all the seasons, and I'll make a new post with my Season 5 spoiler tag once we get the name reveal.

-> As is traditional when I liveblog, I'll also use the tag #Riddle watches Traffic so you can block that too if you like. Just wanted to let people know in case I have any Traffic SMP followers who want to go in blind and don't want to risk seeing my posts before they have time to block my spoilers tag. #traffic spoilers still covers everything, including new season.

-> I also need to look into maybe switching from Traffic Life SMP as my blog tag to Traffic SMP because I think that's. the right name and it would probably be smart to tag properly... hm.

I think that covers everything I wanted to say. I'll add a list or link to my pinned post as well so people can figure out what to block for spoilers and stuff.

Thanks for enjoying my blog!

[silvertsundere]

Silver Talks AniManga (04/06/23)

starting from today, for stuff that I don't have anything to say about I'll simply have it on the list here with a * but not in the body of the post itself, in today's case that applies to jiangshi X

Anime

Megumin Ep9

I know I said on like ep 5 or 6 that that coulda been the finale but this one felt even more like one since they actually arrived to axel. but no there's still 3 more. the ep wasn't bad tho, actually had some decent animation when arnes was making that death ball, big sad she died tho she was a baddie

Imas CG: U149 Ep8

very good ep, like usual, elevated even more cause it had so much kiryuu too tho I talked about that in another post. not much else to say, tho I want to give a shoutout to that one scene of character acting with just chie's hands around 12:30 (it's the 3rd one in this tweet, rest of the thread is good too tho)

Mashle Ep8

I forgot they mentioned I0 this early in the story (big final boss) but anyway. the 1v1s have finally started, up until now the animation has been serviceable but nothing to write home about. the fight with dot in this episode was not any different, perhaps slightly better than average, but now that the 1v1s are starting I'm hoping for at least a crumb of sakuga. from the next ep title it sounds like next episode it's gonna be mash vs razor which is the one fight out of these 3 I want to look good the most. I guess they're doing this fight first cause it'll end with mash fighting the puppet guy for the finale and they wouldn't want to have 2 mash fights back to back

Pokemon Horizons Ep9

good ep, we're finally in paldea and riko realized that despite this being their goal for a while it would've meant the end of her adventures with the crew. ofc that would never happen since she's the mc of the show, but it was nice seeing her come to terms with her desires and expressing herself to her dad and stuff. but forget all that cause next week is NEMONA DAY BABY LET'S GO

Jigokuraku Ep9

good ep, I already knew it had some sakuga but it was still nice to see, I was hoping the whole fight overall looked a bit better but the big that DID look good (I posted a clip of it) sated me enough. I liked the chanting they had for the prayer forest but I wish they kept it going in the background whenever someone was there and not only when gabimaru got there, felt like a waste when they could've had that extra flavour I think. next episode we're gonna start getting our first glimpses into tao tho iirc it won't get thouroughly explained until basically the end when the group is all together

Manga

Dandadan Ch108

very cool chap, considering the last one I thought it was just gonna be momo showing off but it was actually jiji and aira. it was cool seeing them apply the spiral stuff that okarun learned about but it's also exciting to know okarun is almost there. tho at this point I'm expecting that he won't even be able to show his power up since the baddies will be all beaten by then

Kindergarten WARS Ch10 - 12

certainly didn't expect this to have a love triangle well, love conga line more like but still

Show-ha Shoten! Ch19

good chap, I was curious to see what advice the guy was gonna give azemichi but it wasn't anything out of left field and was pretty sensible. I also really liked the analogy he used for how he makes jokes. anyway my buddy mega thinks it's gonna end after the competition coming next, since obata usually does short series, but we'll see. I wouldn't be surprised tho, it'd be a nice stopping point

Pension Life Vampire Ch8

I shoulda known that they weren't actually gonna kill anyone, series is too goofy for that. nue is cute tho, can't see it all there but she got a good design

Choujin X Ch37

I like ishida's work, I do, but it's hard to keep up when we've only been getting 1 chap like every 2 months. the chapter itself was nice, some cool action and seems like next we'll get the backstory for that noh guy. but again like I said, having such a long gap between chapters isn't good, ishida stories can already be hard to keep up with normally but this just makes it harder

Tokyo Underworld Ch42

damn mega said this was a very eventful chapter and he wasn't kidding. I didn't expect that twist at the end but I'm sure it's gonna be a fake out, there's no way they'd her off screen like this she's too important

The Ichinose Family's Deadly Sins Ch27

hey I'll give them credit, this chapter wasn't totally terrible, actually moving the plot forward even if it's just a tiny amount

Fabricant 100 Ch24

?????????? I thought there had been some bad chaps but this one took the cake, like what? I guess it's so it can continue until the next serialization round, same as ichinose but that doesn't make it any less bad

Nue's Exorcist Ch4

ok chapter, the girl's exorcist outfit has a cool design and the action wasn't too bad, I was hoping there wasn't gonna be more fanservice in this chap but I shoulda known better, that's not gonna save your series kawae you gotta try something else

Kill Blue Ch7

ah yes the classic "elite students that the mc has to defeat in order to achieve is goal", it's a fine trope tho. having these powerful guys coming after noren should shake things up and create the opportunity for some cool action scenes. curious to see how fujimaki handles this

Do Retry Ch5

very good chap, it's crazy to see the difference in quality between this and nue when they debuted back to back. you can really tell kirarazaka learned a lot from his time under matsui, you can really tell in the art ofc like I mentioned before but also in the paneling. it's funny cause this is the series from this batch I had the lowest expectations for but it surprassed them a lot while nue is the complete opposite

Witch Watch Ch111

don't have anything to say about the chap itself but did wanna mention how fucked up the results for the pop poll were, like kengo and kan in 1st and 2nd? what in the world

Blue Box Ch103

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED LET'S GO miura you madwoman you actually did it god that was good, these last few chaps building up the tension for this and now this release were just so good. the confession being 3 spreads at the end was extremely good too, really giving you time to soak it in, also not as impressive but that page with the 4 panels of taiki and natsu running and it being like the continuation of each other looked really good too

Cipher Academy Ch26

very good chap, the return of the broken glass imagery from her battle with iroha was especially very cool I was hoping something like this would happen when tayu offered to fight instead but I didn't expect it to be over so soon

Tenmaku Cinema Ch8

good chap keeping the quality consistent, I guess that's the power of a veteran duo and as usual the information about filming terms and stuff is really neat to see I've said before but I don't think this series is gonna be long, which is a good thing mind you, tho I got no idea how long it could be, mayhaps a handful of vols? or just a bit more

Mashle Ch158

good chap, the good ol "power of friendship" saves the day not like that's a bad thing this IS jump after all. the action was good and that panel with mash smiling was really good too. I'm hoping for a bit more out of this fight but it prob won't be happening at this point also if me and mega's prediction of the manga ending only when the anime does it'd line up perfectly since there's 5 more chaps left to fill a vol and there's 4 more eps of the anime left.

Undead Unluck Ch161

oh hell fucking yeah I didn't expect a martial arts tournament I'm pogged the hell up, gonna be good to have some hype after how mellow the phil retrieval arc was

Sakamoto Days Ch121

what the hell!! all this time in the flashback sequence only to find out that maybe rion wasn't dead all along? interesting twist to say the least. also I'll be completely honest, it's been so long since I started reading that I forgot the whole series started off because of people coming after sakamoto cause of the bounty lmao

The Elusive Samurai Ch112

very weird not having our mcs for so long. should be like 1-3 more chaps of this intermission I guess, it's gonna be a shame seeing kusunoki die he was neat

Akane-banashi Ch64

really good chap, as expected it was the backstory of the salesman but it was fast and straight to the point, well executed like always. I also really liked that the chapter started and ended with the exact same line ("This is so stupid.") but just in different contexts, it's neat

Ayakashi Triangle Ch132

sorry suzu but that's against your nature. you just can't fight it. nice chap anyway, really showcasing suzu's shamelessness, tho I'm more hype to see matsuri fighting along mei and kanade next chap

[allqrcoded]

Devlog 3: Call me Baygon because i'm antibug

big news everyone.. angel care is almost complete! i’m back with another devlog & for this month, i focused on bug fixing, interaction assets along with more cg drafts. in celebration of almost being done, i'll share this placeholder i never used:

he was supposed to be in the talk section stuff, but considering i ended up not doing assets for it, he was just there. we'll never see him again, so say bye bye for now. here's to hoping we get more placeholders out of the way

Bug fixing (1 & 2)

I'm proud to say that... for this month, i've finished running through my 1st round of bug fixing along with cracking down on the 2nd stage of it. i thought it would take longer, but it only took me around 2 weeks to get them down. with that out of the way, i've focused on making the game look nicer aesthetically such as .. specific character interaction sprites & cgs

for the sake of my sanity, i bug tested with the bgm off, so i still have to import some music into scenes that i feel need them. cg work has been going smoothly . even if i decided that i'll change the style of them last minute. it worked out in the end, though, because i feel like the current style of the cgs fit the game more rather than my usual rendering style.

i still have to make some changes to the game because im self conscious, but i'm happy that i'm on this stage regarding AC . it's my child.

because i'm on my 2nd round regarding this aspect (and will probably repeat this loop in the near future because of course i will), it'll take longer to polish AC off.

as of writing this, i've taken care of the extra bugs that popped up in the early game and if i'm correct, i just have to code in the interaction sprites in the scenes that need them for the rest of the game, since the variables that were used in that portion got switched for mid-late game. i also have to code in some sound design aspects in the game, but that's all for this portion.

5/31/23 update: i'm now done with bugfixing in the mid-game area! i barely touched the late game portion, save for double checking if the variables lined up, so, yay! it got done pretty quickly.

New CG style

unfortunately, the preview i showed in my last devlog for one of the cg was scrapped in favor of a less time-consuming cg style. it's similar how i did the talk sprites & this month, i was coding them in the game even if they aren't technically "finished." it's fine, though, because i know it'll save me time in the future for doing that once i polish them. speaking of, here's the first cg you see in the game:

im pretty proud of it. definitely captured what i had in mind for the intro. overlay layers are amazing. right now, the pictures folder in the game have around 130+ files. very mildly interesting

i've been focusing on that aspect for the last two weeks of this month since round 1 of bug fixing got done relatively early. it's a bit tiring on the hands, but each of them take around 40 minutes of my time. the amount of cgs for this game isn't as crazy (over 20, i believe), but still.. doing a lot of them takes a toll on you.

(picture unrelated)

What now?

this month's devlog is pretty subpar because it's literally just "i'm killing off bugs", but sometimes, gamedevving is just like that. as i'm writing this, i've taken a bit of a backseat in terms of this game to take care of myself, but i'm hoping i could release it in the future.

i don't think i'll ever achieve the perfect state i could be satisfied with regarding this game, but that's my goal for now. . also i think that's the first instance i've been self-aware on my keenness to these things but maybe it's because i'm working in a new medium, so i'm a bit slow. perfectionism is a lot to work with.

next month, it's more CG making for me and after that... publishing. if i'm lucky i can get it done during june, but realistically, maybe i'll finish the CGs by july/

[kelmcdonald]

See You at VanCAF

This is copy pasted from my newletter. 

Hey all! My main thing is I'll be at VanCAF which is in Vancouver, British Columbia on May 20&21. They haven't posted con maps yet, so I don't know what my table number is. But I'll be there and it's free to get into. So stop by!

Like I said the big thing this month is going to VanCAF. The rest of the month is mostly keeping my nose to the grindstone. 

This month's full moon movie is The Wolfman again. This time the remake. While watching the original Wolf Man, myself and other folks in the discord talked about some of the stuff that was changed in the remake (stuff like the remake is twice as long.) So I figured doing a back to back would be kinda fun. So if you wanna join, we'll be watching it May 5th at 6pm PST. Join the discord if you want.

As always I'll be streaming art on Twitch. My schedule is currently the following:

Tuesday 8pm-10pm PST

Wednesday 8pm-10pm PST

Thursday 6pm-9pm PST (during the Iron Circus Geekshow)

I mentioned last month that I was redoing the live reading of Fame and Misfortune. My mic worked this time so I've saved it and posted it on my youtube. We go over through the whole story in about 30 mins. Then I answer some questions from fans.

I'll definitely doing something like this for The Better to Find You With. As I'll get to in the next section, I got a lot of stuff on my plate. It will probably be some time in the fall.

I spent a lot of April still playing catching up on things. I was really backed up on my work for Seven Seas. I think I got it handled now, but Blue Moon is still not done. I think that has to be my primary focus this month. I was hoping to get the current chapter of You are the Chosen One last month, but that didn't happen. It's penciled so for the next few Fridays I'll post the pencils of the rest of chapter.

By the time those go up, I'll hopefully be done with Blue Moon and can give You are the Chosen One more attention. I hate to do it, but I have to put something on hold. The City Between being free means it gets me more new readers/attention and You are the Chosen One takes longer. And after I write Blue Moon, I should probably make sure the next batch of You are the Chosen One script are ready for drawing. So here's my to do list/priority:

Write Blue Moon

Keep up with The City Between

Freelance thing that is NDA

Clean up Murky Water to make a book

Finish Chapter 3 of You are the Chosen One

Review next few chapters of You are the Chosen One

Anyway, that's quite a lot.  I barely had time to read or watch new stuff this month. So kinda a short list this month.

Darling by Olivia Stephens - Darling is a Western Horror about a black woman who's living as a werewolf to escape the racism of 1800s America. She meets a black man on the run and the two have an instant connection Olivia art is excellent and rendering makes every page look both beautiful and haunting. It's one of the best werewolf comics I've read. You should all go back it here.

Love is Hard for Otaku - This is one checked out because Mangasplaining did an episode on it. They had a kinda mixed opinion of it, but I was curious to look into it myself. It's about a gal who's a big nerd but is hiding it from her day job because her last boyfriend dumped her for being too nerdy. A nerdy guy friend proposes they date each other because since they are both nerds she won't have to worry about him dumping her for it. There is a manga and an anime. The manga is a little rough. The pacing seems to be kinda wonky. The anime does a better job landing the jokes, mostly because a lot of the jokes involved references to anime. So the joke works better when they can copy the scene from Evangelion shot for shot, rather than translation the animation into a comic. I don't 100% buy the characters as a couple so I'm on the fence about continuing to watch it. 

Nope - This was something that was on my I should get around to seeing this movie since it came out. It was streaming so I made a point to watch it. It's less than a year old so I won't go into details about the plot. But I really liked the point it makes about random chance and nature. I also really liked the relationship between the two main siblings. It was a good mix for conflict, frustration, and affection.

Anyway, thanks for sticking with me through the big workload that's going on. Please back my Patreon if you can. Every little bit helps!

[postwarlevi]

Thank you! Well unfortunately it's a chronic thing but I'll manage. I'm taking a lot of supplements, too. How yre you? Oh really? Wow, I'd probably go there every month until I'm broke. So like...1-2 times lol. But I cant wait to see it. Haha, visit you? I'll just move into the cottage next to you two. Yea I have way oo much stuff. Yesterday I was organizing my bathroom - so. much. shampoo! Honestly, I won't have to buy any new shampoo for at least 6 months. It's ridiculous. Again, a full bag of trash (expired products) and one back I'm going to donate (to a women's house). Yes I do self-shipping now too. IDK if I'll be writing a lot, but it's fun. (guess I'll write mostly Levi x reader). I used to dislike it, too. But I think that was because in my old fandoms everybody else hated it (and did it secretly - lots of jealousy). As for Levi there are just canon-character ships I really despise. I don't care about self-ships. Let people have fun. Also you are the first person here, do call me moot <3 <3

Awe good luck with the supplements and everything! I hope it helps!

I have a late work day, I'm eating lunch and will head in shortly. I let myself take a nap and now ran outta time to do extra things, oh well, it was a nice nap lol.

I hope you enjoy the park! I had a family member that just went and had a blast and showed lots of pictures. I bet it will be lots of fun!

Yes yes move in to the next door cottage. We'll share land and make bread and raise farm animals!

Thats great you're donating your stuff! I've been giving things away or tossing things that are just too old and things like VHS tapes. I'm going through a pile of papers to shred that have been in a box and there's tings that are from 2018 in there! I've also found I don't need toothpaste for a year haha.

Honestly I didn't know character x reader was even a thing before I joined tumblr, but I like that it's then more open for people! I had to adjust my writing a little but it's good! There's at least one thing that I am still debating doing an original character for, because the character is deaf. Maybe once I get polls and am actually up to writing it I'll ask haha. It's a long story that the draft is completely written cause I couldn't stop myself. Here it is if you want to read. Spoilers of course but it's still open to changes!

Yeah, self shipping is just fun, and generally pretty harmless. I like supporting my moots ship and getting in on it by inviting myself over to their fictional world LOL.

I look forward to more of yours stories! I do think x reader stories get more views than OCs here on tumblr, at least from what I've been. Happy writing!

[letters-for-leedonghae]

Dear Hae,

Hello! Omg, it's been more than a year again since my last letter to you. I wasn't even able to tell you about the 2-day SS9 that I attended, and that was what my last post was about. Hhhhhh I had such a great time and when I got home to my friend's condo, I just went straight to packing because I have a flight to catch early December 19, so I didn't really have time to actually sit and write something huhuhu (I was in standing on the 2nd day and I've been standing for half a day that day so the exhaustion was really crazy. but definitely worth it!!!!!!) I'll find time next time to reminisce and tell you about it!

Anyway, I'm back here because I'm kinda feeling dejected right now and I just want to tell someone about it, and that someone is you! Haha.

I honestly don't know if I still have a future. I've been applying for different kinds of online jobs for more than a month now and still, nothing. And I am in desperate need of money because I don't want to be a burden to my family anymore. I need money for my medicine and for other stuff that I need, especially when I go back to school in an entirely different place. I need to sustain myself because I really really really don't want to be a burden anymore. The only motivation I have right now is IU's concert this June 1, to be honest. I badly want to see her live before I die that's why I'm really doing everything I can just so I can get the money I needed for that. Super Junior, IU, Day6, Seventeen are the artists that saved me countless times when I was in the darkest, most shittiest place, thus I really want to see you all in this lifetime before the heavens (or hell) decide to take me away.

I am so desperate but at the same time I'm also losing hope. And I don't want to lost hope. Because I really really really need money. I'm scared to lose all the hope that I have left in my body because if that happens, I will probably hit rock bottom again and will probably never recover ever again.

Ah. It's so hard to be poor, lol. Will I ever succeed in this life? Will I ever experience to live my days worry-free? Will I ever earn even just enough money to let myself (and my pets) live? To help my parents in their medical needs? To afford eating out without worrying about the price of the food that we want to eat? To afford treating my family out sometimes? I don't know. But I hope so (and I say this with all the hope left in me).

Hhh. I'm currently listening to your ballad songs while I'm writing this, just to avoid breaking down. See? You're going to save me today once again. I honestly owe my life to you, my favorite artists. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here writing this anymore.

I hope we'll see each other again. If my life allows.

Is it spring already in Korea? If so, I hope you'll have a wonderful and worry-free spring, Ddeohae. Eat a lot, exercise well, work well, live well, and be happy! I love you! Thank you once again ♥

Always with love, Ky.