#i hope everyone had a good holidays life development for me is i now like ice hockey

[obsob]

once more around the sun!! :3

[thechaoticdruid]

[Eat Your Heart!]

(This Bites: Valentines Day special)

Pairing: Astarion x F! Chubby MC

Plot: Winnie hates Valentines Day, having never been able to celebrate it with a lover before, but now that she has Astarion perhaps it'll change?

C/W: Suggestive themes, Sexual humor, random bigoted asshole encounter, fluffy goodness.

This Bites Chapters: One, Two, Three, Four,

Winnie turned on the television and internally groaned as she noticed a commercial come on. It was one advertising chocolates for her least favorite holiday. Valentine’s Day. Or as Winnie liked to call it Singles Awareness Day.

“God, I hate couples.” Winnie huffed a bit, glaring at the man and woman on the screen, sharing chocolates. How dare they shove their happiness in her face! 

“Meow!” Maddie hopped up onto the bed and took her place on Winnie’s lap, gently headbutting her ribs. 

“You get me, don't you baby?” Winnie asked as she looked down at the raven-haired feline, running a hand over her little head.

“Murp!” The cat made a strange little noise in response before leaning her head into Winnie’s hand and purring.  Winnie smiled softly and rubbed the cat's head before looking over at her phone. Mom and Brian were out of town, apparently going on a romantic trip for Valentine's Day which was tomorrow. 

Stupid candy heart holiday!

Winnie looked over posts online to see what everyone was doing. Her old friends from highschool were all happy and celebrating with their spouses the selfish pricks. How dare they be happy goddamnit! Winnie huffed before noticing Becca from work had posted an update about how she was going out with some girl she met at a con tomorrow and how excited she was about it.

No Becca! Not you too!

Winnie groaned and fell back on her bed. Maddie tilted her head curiously before hopping up on Winnie’s chest and sniffing at her face. 

“Ughhh…. I need some ice cream.” The brunette-haired female picked the cat up before setting her on the side of the bed and getting up.  Winnie walked into the kitchen and opened the freezer, getting a small container of chocolate ice cream out before closing the door to the fridge. She grabbed a spoon before heading back to the bedroom. 

Winnie sat back down on her bed, trying to turn the television on something more interesting to watch as the window to her bedroom suddenly opened. Winnie nearly dropped her spoon as the silver haired vampire elf crawled inside her home. 

“J-Jesus!” Winnie cursed, “for fucks sake Astarion! No one is home but me. You can use a door!” 

“I suppose I've developed a habit of coming in this way.” He said with a little giggle at the end. Astarion had something in his hand as he shut the window behind him. A little bit of blood ran down the corner of his mouth. He'd just been out hunting and was able to drain a plethora of raccoons, possums and even a large deer to boot.   Maddie’s tail shot up and curled into a hook shape as she padded over towards Astarion, immediately rubbing against his legs with a pur. 

“Oh, hello darling,” Astarion smiled and reached down to pet the cat. “I brought you something.”

Winnie’s eyes widened in complete horror as she noticed there was a bird in his hand. A small lifeless looking bird.  He held it out to Maddie who immediately sniffed it before prodding it with her paw.  

“Astarion! You can't just bring dead animals to my cat!” Winnie freaked out, setting her snack to the side before grabbing some tissues from her table. She scooped the bird up into them.

“It's not-” Astarion tried to cut in, but Winnie opened the window, and the bird suddenly sprang to life, pecking her hand before flying out the window.  

“Fuck!” Winnie cursed.

“Oh, now look at what you've done. You've ruined my gift to our precious little pet.” 

“She's MY pet and I don't want her killing birds in the house!” Winnie hissed before rubbing her hand where she'd been pecked. 

God, I hope that thing didn't have a disease….

Winnie sighed and closed the window before getting back onto her bed and sitting. Astarion pouted before sitting on the bed next to her.

“You're awfully snappy this evening.” 

Winnie sighed, “sorry. It's this damn holiday. It always rubs me the wrong way.”  Winnie said, grabbing her ice cream and spooning some into her mouth. 

“What holiday, love?” He asked, sprawling out over the bed and laying his head on her thigh. 

“Oh right, you don't know. It's Valentine's Day. Uh…It's a holiday celebrating romance and candy people really like to sell candy on it.” Winnie said, “people usually give their lovers gifts like chocolate and flowers on it.” 

“Oh, that sounds positively dreadful!” Astarion said sarcastically.

“It is if you've been single all your life and people are rubbing their happiness in your face!” Winnie exclaimed. “I hate it.” 

“Darling, you have me now, remember? And I would be happy to join in on any romantic festivities…as long as it's with you.” Astarion smiled softly, looking up at Winnie with soft round puppy-like eyes. Winnie blushed and bit and cleared her throat.

“I-I guess I didn't think about that…I've just been single for as long as I can remember." Winnie set her ice cream to the side table.  

“Of course I haven't been able to enjoy chocolate for the past two centuries, but I'm sure you'll think of something else for us to enjoy.” Astarion smiled and laid across Winnie’s lap. Since the brunette-haired woman had begun dating courting him the two of them got a bit more comfortable with one another.  Snuggles and hugs were pretty casual now, but they still tended to catch Winnie off guard. She enjoyed them, but it still felt so weird for a man to be so affectionate with her. 

Winnie’s brother was raised the old fashion way, taught to be tough and stoic and that hugging was for sissies so needless to say he wasn't very cuddly. Her biological father wasn't the type of person you wanted touching you.  And Brian pfft…As if she'd ever hug Brian! The fucking prick.

So really, she'd only known affection from other women. And it was all platonic. This just felt so weird. It was nice, but weird. 

“Well, Valentine's Day isn't until tomorrow, but we can go out tomorrow night and do something then?” Winnie suggested.

“Sounds lovely.” Astarion hummed.

“Still, it's too bad you can't actually taste normal food. I would have gotten you a bunch of candy hearts.” Winnie smiled, leaning back a little as she experimentally ran her fingers through his soft white locks. 

“The only heart I'd find myself wanting to eat would be yours I'm afraid.” Astarion joked with a mischievous chuckle, leaning up and laying his head on Winnie’s large pillowy chest as he snuggled against her. 

“The way it speeds up just for me is so…. mouthwatering.” He purred, nuzzling against Winnie. 

“I kinda need my heart you know…” Winnie huffed with a pout.

“Just teasing, my dear.” Astarion hummed, eyes closed as he listened to the comforting sound of her heartbeat, his arms wrapped around her plush waist as he cuddled on top of her. She honestly felt so soft and cushy to the vampire.  Winnie blushed a bit, leaning back with a yawn as she ran her fingers through the vampire’s curls. 

“You just gonna sleep on me tonight?” 

“Perhaps…” 

Winnie giggled slightly, “Okay…” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day Winnie went to work as normal, leaving an Astarion alone at the house with the instructions to NOT get into any trouble. Which for most of the part he didn't. He mostly laid around, played with Maddie, hate-watched some gods awful vampire TV series, placed one of the dog’s ‘surprises’ into Brian's shoes and took a long relaxing bubble bath while using one of Winnie’s mother's facemasks. 

Winnie on the other hand spent the day stocking shelves and cleaning floors at the CornerStore. 

She had to deal with some middle aged lady who repeatedly kept asking where they kept their grills despite the fact that Winnie tried to calmly explain that they did not sell grills at the store and that she should try the Superstore across town.

It was honestly one huge stressful mess and eventually Becca had to come over and ask the woman to leave when she noticed the lady raising her voice at Winnie.

After the workday ended Winnie headed back home on her motorcycle. She had to keep her mind from wandering off to tonight's events, but it was hard! Winnie was filled with both anxiety and excitement at the prospect of being able to spend this Valentine's Day with a romantic companion.

Eventually she made it back and parked in the empty driveway of her home. The neighborhood was mostly quiet aside from the distant sounds of dogs barking and children shouting from their yards. The sun was slowly setting and soon Astarion would be able to leave the house with her. She entered her home, stretching out her arms before walking towards her room.

“Astarion, I'm home.” She called.

“Welcome back, my love.” The vampire greeted, a book in hand as he laid on her bed, wearing a black tank and grey shorts.  Winnie blinked as she noticed the book in his hands, his fingers obscured the cover, but she had a bad feeling she knew what book that was. 

“Uh…What are you reading?” Winnie asked. 

“I never pegged you to be into such scandalous literature. It appears my sweet innocent little Winnie isn't so innocent after all.” Astarion purred. Winnie quickly went over and tried to grab the book from him, her face burning bright red with embarrassment. 

“Give that here!” She shouted, but Astarion immediately got off the bed and held the book up high and out of reach. Winnie was able to see it had been a graphic novel, an erotic BL manga that she'd gotten as a gift back in her senior year of high school from one of the nerdy girls she used to be friends with.  She had only read it once…. Okay maybe twice, but that was it!

“Tut tut, you didn't ask nicely. Naughty girl. ~” 

Winnie growled in frustration.

“Give it back Astarion!” She hissed before trying to grab hold of his arm and pull it down so she could grab the book. However, she had absolutely no luck.

Do…. I suddenly have noodle arms or is he suddenly much stronger!? 

Astarion was snickering, a wide shit eating grin on his face as he kept the book out of his darling’s reach. Eventually however the two of them tumbled back onto the bed in the scuffle, Winnie grunted as she fell on top of him.  Winnie grunted and Astarion then tossed the book to the side before rolling over on top.

“Hey!” Winnie whined, “get off!” 

“Ask a bit nicer and I may consider it, sweetheart.” 

Winnie glared at him, cheeks flushing with both embarrassment and a little bit of something else as he pinned her to the bed.

“Fine…. Please…Let me up…” Winnie muttered. 

“Good girl. ~” The elf said cheekily, planting a quick peck on the female’s face. Astarion rolled over and got off of Winnie, allowing her up.

“You know, I'm only teasing about the book. I really don't care about what little fantasies get you going, darling.” He giggled before tossing the novel back at her.  

“You don't need to be an ass about it.” Winnie muttered before taking the manga and putting it away (this time somewhere different).

“If it would make you feel better, I might be willing to indulge your fantasies one day. Once you're ready of course!” 

“I…. How would you…? NEVERMIND! The sun will be down soon! And I need to get ready….We need to get ready!” Winnie stated, her face looking all pink. 

“As you wish my sweet.” Astarion smiled before glancing over to the clothes he'd had been given. 

He decided to change into some pants while Winnie went into the bathroom with a bundle of her own clothing.  Astarion dressed before looking at the black hoodie Winnie normally had him wear. The white-haired vampire rolled his eyes at it before noticing Winnie’s own jacket hung up in the closet. It was a dark purple hoodie which radiated with her scent. Astarion grabbed hold of it before sliding it on. It didn't fit quite right. It was a bit loose around the chest and waist while almost being too short for him to wear, but he couldn't help but find comfort in the smell. Lavender and cherry blossoms. It made him feel at ease. 

Winnie came out of the bathroom a few minutes later dressed in a red blouse-like shirt with a heart shaped hole over the chest and black tights which hugged smugly around her thick thighs. She was running a brush through her hair as she looked over at him. “You know my hoodie doesn't fit you right?” 

“Gods forbid you let me wear anything with a little bit of color!” Astarion pouted. 

“I'm not saying you can't borrow it…It's just. I’ll buy you your own if you want one.” Winnie offered.

“No!” Astarion said quickly, “I-mean don't bother, you probably won't be able to find another one this comfortable!” The pale elf insisted. 

Winnie sighed, “Whatever. Let's just go…Oh wait…” Winnie looked around in her dresser before taking out a black beanie. She got on her tippy toes before placing it over his head and covering his elf ears. 

“You’re messing up my hair…Winnie…” Astarion complained and glared down at the short female.

“I always fix it for you, don't I?” Winnie shrugged before grasping Astarion's hair. “Come on! The sun's gone down!”  The two left, hopping onto Winnie's motorcycle and driving off. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tall brightly lit lamp posts surrounded the archery range as the love birds paid their way in and rented a pair of bows before walking up to the ring. Winnie scrunched her nose as they passed another couple who absolutely reeked of booze. She'd noticed them arrive in some huge camo SUV with deer antlers mounted to the hood and an obnoxiously loud radio playing.

The archery targets were set up past the fence, all set up in a horizontal line and each one was moved further back than the one that came before. Winnie struggled to hold her bow correctly, grunting in frustration as the arrow would slide out of place.

“My sweet, let me help you.” Astarion said, carefully adjusting Winnie’s hands.  She took a deep breath before pulling the around back and shooting it. It fell right onto the ground almost immediately after being shot. 

“Ah! I suck at this!” Winnie huffed. 

“Well, you're still much better at it than Gale.” Astarion smiled a bit. 

“...Thanks….” Winnie said, not sure if being better than Gale was really that great a compliment.

“Try again, love.” Astarion said before moving to help Winnie. He stood close behind her, chest against her back as he positioned her hands, this time guiding them to pull back the bowstring. He had her pull it back as far as it would go before releasing it. The arrow shot across the range and hit the side of one of the targets.

“Whoa!” Winnie smiled, “I actually hit it!” Astarion adjusted her hands once again and helped her notch another arrow, this time hitting closer to the center of the target. 

“Okay! Okay! I'm going to try by myself this time!” She cheered. The elf watched her fondly. He found her giddiness positively adorable.

She pulled back the arrow before letting it go and it went about five feet before falling to the ground.

“Oh goddamnit!” Winnie swore, attracting the attention of onlookers. 

“You did better this time, darling. But perhaps you should take a break, hm?” Astarion suggested and patted her shoulder. 

“Yeah .... I guess so .... How about you shoot some?” Winnie asked. 

“I suppose I could.” Astarion hummed before planting a kiss on Winnie’s cheek. “But don't get upset when I upstage you.”

“No, by all means! Don't be afraid to show off!” Winnie smiled at him. Astarion smirked before taking the bow and notching an arrow. He pulled it all the way before letting it go and immediately hitting a bullseye on his first try.

A make-up-caked woman with short red hair and ruby red lipstick looked over from where she stood next to a tall beefy man in a leather vest, her eyes wide with amazement.  

Winnie clapped, a grin forming on her lips.

“Keep going Star! That was awesome!” She cheered.

Astarion shot another arrow at the next target immediately hitting another bullseye. Most of the targets he'd been used to usually moved so this was honestly way too easy.  Winnie followed Astarion as he hit the targets one after another each with a flawless technique.  

And he even shot one backwards.

Okay I said you could show off, but this is a little much….

“Astarion-” Winnie began before suddenly the red headed lady marched over and pushed her out of the way. 

“That was amazing! Where did you learn how to do that?” She asked, eyes leering over Astarion now that the woman was able to get a better look at him.  

“It’s all instinct really.” The elf replied with a smug, confident look. He appeared to be eating up the praise.

“It's very impressive. You must be very strong.~” She purred, moving to stand closer before placing a hand on his arm, feeling it up. Astarion grimaced and looked at the woman with a flash of disgust.  Winnie glared over at the woman with annoyance. 

Seriously? This is the second time some floozy thinks it's okay to invade Star’s personal space! 

“Look lady, he doesn't like people being all touch-” Winnie was about to try to run the woman off before suddenly the man she'd previously been with stomped over towards the three.

“HEY! Get the hell away from MY wife!” He snapped. 

“Apologies, it seems your lady has had a little too much to drink.” Astarion said, removing the woman's hand from his shoulder as if she was carrying some kind of disease. 

“Are you saying she's not good enough for you!? What are you gay!?” The man pushed through, he reeked of alcohol just as much as his wife did it seemed. Winnie furrowed her brows at the man's ridiculousness. He clearly just wanted any reason to fight. Astarion seemed a bit confused at his question.

“Not at the moment. Nothing really to be cheerful about currently.” 

“You being smart with me, pretty boy?!” The man shouted. Astarion was trying to remain civil for Winnie’s sake but the bastard was really trying his patience. Astarion wasn't permitted to have a knife, Winnie made sure of it but the vampire spawn claws he'd grown while here definitely weren't for looks. Wouldn't be too hard to poke a hole in this cunt’s windpipe if he was quick. 

“No. Not at all.” Astarion replied, “I was simply answering your question.” Astarion had a fake smile on his face, but Winnie could see the irritation in his eyes. If this didn't resolve itself quickly someone was going to get hurt.

“You think you're real funny don't you, you fucking faggot!?” The man snarled. 

“You know I've been called a lot of things, but that…I've never heard of. Probably not a very intelligent insult by any means.” Astarion chuckled a bit, his smile turning more sinister. Fingers clenched as his claws prepared to strike. The bigoted drunkard seemed about ready to blow his top and start throwing punches.  The floozy wife just seemed to be giggling and enjoying the chaos, not even caring if someone got hurt.  Winnie had to act fast before this turned to bloodshed. Before anyone could say another word she grabbed her bow and an arrow before desperately aiming towards the parking lot. She pulled it as far as it would go, almost instinctively remembering how Astarion showed her earlier. 

The arrow flew across the range and hit the drunk couple’s SUV right in the headlights, almost immediately sounding the car alarm. 

“What?” The bigoted man tore his head away from Astarion before suddenly his wife shouted.

“Fuck! That's our car!” She took off running. 

“Goddamn it! Who's breaking into my baby!” The man yelled before running off. 

“Well, that was rather convenient.” Astarion said before Winnie grabbed his arm. 

“This was fun, but it's time to go!” Winnie said before dragging him off and abandoning the bows they'd rented at the range. It took a moment for Astarion to realize that Winnie had been the one to cause a distraction.

“This was your doing? You sneaky little devil! I'm so proud, my love!” 

“Yeah yeah whatever now let's get out of here before we get arrested!” Winnie pressed, dragging the giggling elf with her back to her motorcycle. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I hate that some assholes had to ruin our Valentine's Day. God, I swear nothing good ever comes from this holiday.” Winnie huffed as she sat down on a blanket.  Her and Astarion had made a little picnic on a hill out in the woods not too far from Winnie’s home. Winnie had gotten the idea of trying to head somewhere more private when she'd stopped at a rest stop on their way after the fiasco at the archery range. 

“I wouldn't say that. You and I still get to spend plenty of alone time together.” Astarion said and scooted closer towards her.  Winnie looked up at the sky. 

“I suppose you're right about that. Brian and mom won't be back for a couple of days…” Winnie scooted a bit closer towards Astarion and leaned against him. 

“I…Uh…I have something for you…. Winnie…” Astarion looked off to the side before taking something out of his pocket. 

It was a small box of heart shaped chocolates. 

“I'd still much rather sink my teeth into a different heart, but I'd imagine you'd prefer this.” 

“Astarion…This is so sweet….Thank you….” Winnie took the box and nibbles on one of the chocolates, a smile stretched across her face from ear to ear. Astarion simply snuggled against her, planting a kiss on her forehead.

“When did you even buy ... .? Wait a moment…You stole these didn't you?” 

“Ah….I may have done that….Yes…ah ha ha…” 

Winnie let out a long sigh.

“What am I going to do with you?” She rolled her eyes before wrapping her arms around his neck and leaned in, nuzzling her nose against his. Astarion smiled and nuzzled back, the two pressing their foreheads together.

“Just hold me…” He whispered.

The two love birds were completely unaware as a figure watched them from far away. The figure was slender and corpse-like. 

“Thou doth not know what thy actions will bring. It is only a matter of time.” The figure's echo of a voice rang out. 

End.

Taglist: @astarioffsimpmain, @iamsexytrash, @tiedyedghoulette, @hp-art-studio , @gaymistakeboi , @the-disaster-in-waiting, @misscrissfemmefatale, @divineknightmare, @marcynomercy, @gianchan-de, @tinyfreakgirl, @jaksfanficsaver, @im-just-a-simp-le-whore, @dajeong

IDK, but Tumblr would not let me tag some of y'all, but I will notify you when the next parts come out!

[emberfrostlovesloki]

Unwanted Attention [Hotch x Reader]

Prompt: Having to travel to the middle of nowhere Ohio for a serial killer was bad enough, add to the fact that the local LEOs are looking a little too hard at JJ, Emily, and _y/n_ was seriously testing Aaron’s resolve. Lots of protective Hotch here! This is another @imagining-in-the-margins inspired fic for her Meet Cute Writing Challenge. I’m using the dialogue prompt: “Watch where you’re going!” “… You ran into me?!”

Category: Angst/comfort - (mostly comfort I think).

Word Count: 5.8K

Content Warnings: Canon typical violence (serial killer - kills via strangulation but nothing explicit) unwanted physical touch (groping of the behind and pubic area) misogyny, sexism, the U.S. police, language, brief mention of intimacy. 

A/N: Hi friends! I am very pleased with this one. I love writing Hotch with righteous anger. It just looks too damn good on him. I also love the duality of this man because one moment he is ready to bite someone’s head off and the next he only has eyes for you and he’s checking in and feeling guilty. You could read this story as a standalone or as a prequel to my story, Life can be Terrible, but At Least You're In It. (linked). I want to shout out @criminalskies for hyping me up while writing this. Last, if you enjoyed reading this, likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated! - Levi 

List with all stories 

_y/n_ = your name 

_f/c_ = favorite color 

_l/n_ = your last name

_y/h/c_ = yuur hair color 

Walnut Creek Ohio, who on the team had heard of it? Well apart from Spencer, because apparently he’d read a United States Atlas Map one night when his insomnia was bothering him, and he had retained all the information about nearly every tiny town that existed in the States. Spencer was rambling off facts about the tiny town stating, “There are 908 residents in the town as of 2017. It’s shocking that a serial killer would target such a small community where everyone has to know everyone else.” _y/n_, JJ, and Reid were all at the coffee station filling up cups. _y/n_ pulled out her _f/c_ thermos. She always made sure that anyone who wanted coffee got to go first because her reusable metal container took about half the pot. _y/n_ had finally wisened up after Emily and Spencer kept complaining about the coffee getting lukewarm, or worse, cold while sitting on the plane. Now her coffee stayed hot for hours if need be. She had bought the teammates that relied as heavily on caffeine as she did as Holiday or birthday gifts and the thermoses were stored away in one of her closets of her apartment, ready to be taken out and wrapped at the right moment. Spencer’s comment pulled her back to the present moments and she replied, “Nothing can stop a person going bad I guess. Not even a small town.” This stopped Spencer's comments on the location of the team's most recent case, and he shifted gears to talk about the psychological development of those raised in rural environments versus those raised in urban areas. _y/n_ continued to listen to Spencer as he spoke, even if she couldn’t always keep up with his mile-a-minute commentary. She listened because Reid was a fount of knowledge and often a comment he made and maybe didn’t even remember would be helpful later on in the case. She also listened because sometimes the other members of the team didn’t when he spoke. It wasn’t that they didn’t think that what he was saying was important, it was just that they were trying to come up with their own thoughts and theories about the case. _y/n_ was also guilty of tuning Reid out sometimes, but when she could listen to him, she did. 

_y/n_ had always been more of a listener than one to contribute to the conversation early on. _y/n_ felt better about talking once she had more information and that normally wasn’t until the team arrived at the case's location or even saw the first crime scene. Once _y/n_ had the bigger picture, she was ready and able to hope in and give her thoughts. Before that time came, she would listen and think about her prior knowledge. Although it might be less exciting than guessing and formulating theories, she found that often some basic information or past cases or criminals was useful when leads dropped or the case seemed to go cold. In her process, she was thinking about the future. As she had integrated into the team full-time at the beginning, Derek teased her for writing so much down in a notebook. She highlighted any relevant information the team stated or facts that seemed relevant. Morgan had joked in good humor but as the first few cases came to a close, the whole team slowly realized that she was approaching these cases from another angle, one that proved to be highly valuable at important points.  

_y/n_ settled next to Emily at her desk and pulled her go bag from underneath the space. The sound of Aaron’s door closing caught _y/n_’s attention. He was wearing that maroon tie she liked so much. She hadn’t told him that yet, it felt too trivial, but she really liked that tie on him. Aaron caught her eye for a moment and there was a small twinge in her chest before they quickly, discreetly looked away. Nobody knew that they were spending time together outside of work. They had to be discreet because it was mixing work and pleasure and in a place like the FBI, that didn’t just fly. _y/n_ was sure Hotch knew everything about the rules and consequences of breaking those rules, but he hadn’t filled her in on those details. She had looked at the employee handbook but it was all legalese and it hurt her head. If she and Aaron did become more serious, and committed, she would ask him to interpret the confusing language for her. Thankfully they weren’t having a hard time keeping their work and private lives separate, yet. 

Aaron felt the normal thrill of heading out to a new case. He considered the word, ‘thrill,’ thinking it wasn’t the perfect synonym for the arrival of yet another slew of murders, but it certainly wasn’t excitement either. Excitement meant something happy, something to look forward to. ‘Energized,’ his brain offered. Mentally Aaron nodded along, That would work for now. He had to be energized for this work. He wasn’t a young man anymore but there had to be a strength and calmness with him. He was the leader and even with Rossi being on the team for over a year, his agents still looked to him to make this all work. His eyes found _y/n_’s and there he found the look of thrill. This was still so new to her, even though she had been on the team for a while. He looked away as always, not giving into any desires that lingered when he was paying attention to his newest agent. He was grateful that _y/n_ was professional and polite and had the utmost decorum even though outside of work they hadn’t been entirely professional. The thought of their last non-work meeting at her apartment and her heavy breathing and soft sounds on her lips, as he worked over her clothed body with his hands brought a momentatry flush to his face. 

Hotch sobered as quickly as he had flushed as Dave came up beside him and said, “You ready for this?” Aaron looked over to his friend and bluntly replied, “As ready as possible, but it's still never easy.” Rossi nodded along as they both moved down the stairs and toward the parking lot. This line of work wasn’t easy. Aaron knew that every time his team left for a new case there was a chance that someone might get hurt, or even killed and no matter how good everyone was at their job, that possibility still worried him. _y/n_’s face popped up in his mind as he found his seat in the jet and he pushed away the thought. His relationship with her had shifted to something he wasn’t entirely sure he had under control. They hadn’t made anything official and hadn’t even said, “I love you,” yet. However, Hotch wasn’t a man who moved quickly, but as long as he and _y/n_ had an open, honest conversation about where their feelings were headed, he wasn’t going to fight it. He had fought so many things, and people in his life that he didn’t have the desire to fight this too. Being around _y/n_ felt good. It felt safe and he rarely got that in his life, so he was embracing it where he could. As JJ went over more of the facts and details regarding the case involving a serial killer wreaking havoc in the tiny town in Ohio, he shifted his full attention to what his media liaison was saying. 

As the jet landed on the tiny airstrip, everyone got out and into the waiting SUVs. Aaron drove with Emily, Spencer, and JJ while Rossi took _y/n_ and Derek. Spencer and Emily were discussing the need to work well with the law enforcement in the town as they were likely ingratiate into all aspects of the community. Meanwhile, JJ was preparing a statement for the media. In the other car, Derek turned from the front seat and asked, “So what are we thinking in terms of prior knowledge _y/n_?” _y/n_ turned her gaze to Morgan’s and said, “Well strangulation is such a common signature that we’re going to have to look for something more specific to get traction here. The photos do look like this guy is strangling people from behind and the unsubs killing fit men someone who doesn't want to face what they’re really doing? Or it could be that they despise their victims so much they can’t stand to see them again, even while killing them?” Morgan nodded and elaborated on the idea that the killer might see these men as a competition of some kind. As having something the unsub lacked. This information allowed those in Rossi’s car to start to form a physical profile of the unsub. As the team made it to the small local police station, everyone got out of the parked cars and a man who appeared to be in his fifties who was balding badly came out to greet them. 

Aaron stepped forward and extended his hand. The man took it and gave it a firm shake, saying, “I’m Officer Bronson. Thank you so much for you folks from coming out here.” Aaron nodded, replying, “I’m Agent, Hotchner and this is my team.” He indicated to the team, quickly introducing them. First, he gestured to JJ stating, “This is our media liaison, Jennifer Jareau.” JJ stepped forward and took the man’s slightly sweaty hand. Aaron moved through the rest of the team quickly, wanting to get the introductions over with and the real work started. He motioned to each of his agents saying, “This is David Rossi, Derek Morgan, Dr. Spencer Reid, _y/n_ _l/n_, and Emily Prentiss.” Each member nodded as Hotch said their name and Officer Bronson replied, Well welcome to Walnut Creek. I wish it was under happier circumstances. I’ll let you all get inside and out of this heat.” As the team moved into the small building, Aaron asked, “Is there a space where we can get organized and look at the evidence more easily?” Bronson nodded and led the team to a table at the back of a very small station and said, “Sorry it’s nothing fancy. I’ll have someone clean off the files and stuff off for you.” The man turned and semi-shouted, “Anderson, can you clear your junk off this table?” Anderson, a thirty-something-year-old moved around the team and got his things saying, “Sorry Chief.” Bronson looked to Aaron, almost for approval, and asked, “Will this do?” To which Hotch simply replied, “It’s fine.” 

As the team settled a little _y/n_ looked at JJ with a ‘Are you kidding me?’ expression and then looked at Anderson who was placing his numerous files on another table. JJ rolled her eyes in return. The fact that one of the officers had open files possibly containing sensitive or private data out on a table for anyone in the room to see displayed the station's lack of professionalism. The team worked up a preliminary profile and Aaron told Officer Bronson that they were ready to address his unit. Bronson called his team to the side of the room and as the officers sat down, Aaron moved forward saying, “Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you for your attention. My name is Aaron Hotchner and I’m the Unit Chief of the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI. This is my team, and we’re here to coordinate with you to try and stop these killings as quickly as possible. If you have any questions please hold them to the end. We appreciate you working with us, and now I’ll let Derek Morgan deliver our preliminary profile to you.” 

Aaron stepped aside to let Derek deliver the profile. Hotch had asked Morgan to deliver the profile because something about the officers sitting in front of him didn’t seem like they were convinced that they needed the team's help. Given the fact that Derek was the closest in age to many of the officers, and he could be just as intense as Aaron if he wanted, Aaron thought that the men would respect Morgan over someone like himself or Rossi. It helped that Morgan also looked more like the policemen now listening with unveiled trepidation about the profile. This was another part of the job that Aaron disliked. He not only had to profile the unsub but the law enforcement officers as well. His team and the local authorities had to work together due to bureaucratic rulings and sometimes the officers didn’t want the Bau's assistance. The idea that the team was ‘taking over’ or ‘standing on their turf’ often caused conflict. Aaron always tried to nip this conflict early. His team didn’t need to worry about that and quite frankly they all had better things to do. Aaron looked at the ten seated men, as he listened to Morgan. Most of the officers were looking at Derek, but one or two were consistently looking over at JJ, _y/n_, and Emily. Aaron clenched his jaw and resisted the urge to sigh. He could tell whatever conflict his team and this police unit were going to have would be an uphill battle. 

Hotch noticed when the men he was working with paid a little too much attention to members of his team. Hotch couldn’t deny that _y/n_, JJ, and Emily were all beautiful, intelligent, and capable and that combination was attractive. However, that did not give these men a right to act lewdly or leer at them. As Derek wrapped up the profile, he fielded a few questions from the assembled crowd. With that, Chief Bronson dismissed his men. Aaron gathered the team and they broke into smaller units to look for any clues that might bring them closer to finding the unsub. Aaron, Spencer, and _y/n_ were headed to the high school which was the scene of the latest killing. Rossi and Morgan were headed to the hospital to see the bodies of the victims to determine if there was more to the signature than just strangulation. Lastly, JJ and Emily were going to go to the press to provide a statement for the townspeople who were panicking and holding up the police phones making those who really needed help unable to get it. 

In the evening as the team regrouped at the station, there was the kind of frantic energy they got once the case had really started. _y/n_ had lots of thoughts and was ready to see what the rest of the team had discovered. She knew she wasn’t going to see much sleep tonight, so she moved to the break room where the coffee pots normally were in police stations. As she approached the room she began to overhear a conversation going on inside. The snippet she heard was, “So who are you picking, Blondie, Brunette, or _y/h/c_?” There was a laugh before the other man in the room began saying, “What about all three?” There was more laughter at this and as the unseen man began saying, “But if you’re really making me choose…” _y/n_ walked quickly away before she could hear the answer. As she moved back to the team she thought, ‘These guys really have no standards.’ She felt slightly repulsed but did her best to ignore the feeling. As she stepped back to the table, and Aaron looked over at her, he could see that something was wrong. A few minutes later, when he was finished listening to Spencer’s geographic profile, Hotch moved to stand next to _y/n_. In a quiet volume, he asked, “Is everything okay?” _y/n_ looked up at him. His expression had the smallest hint of worry,  and she alleviated that fear by saying, “Yeah. It’s nothing.” Aaron nodded and said, “Okay. Tell me more about what you were saying to Derek about the point of impact, we might be able to get a height on the unsub with that information.” _y/n_ nodded and jumped into the conversation. Aaron could tell that something was off about _y/n_, but he wouldn’t push it. He trusted her to handle things herself and if she needed to, he knew she would ask for help. 

The night wore on and eventually, the team moved to the tiny hotel the town had. There were barely enough rooms to fit them all. The town was very cozy and picturesque in its quaintness. _y/n_ thought about this as she drove Derek and Rossi to the hotel. She assumed it was a nice place to grow up in. To grow old in. _y/n_ wasn’t sure where these thoughts were coming from, but she chalked it up to tiredness and the case. Because for seven men there would be no growing old here or anywhere. The sadness of that realization only made her want to solve this case more badly. There were always a lot of emotions tied to the cases they worked on, and to protect herself, she had to try and stay disconnected from the pain and hurt that the victims and the victims' families went through. But she couldn’t always hold back those emotions and now was one of those times. As everyone settled in for the night and said their goodnights, which just meant ‘I’ll be sitting up in bed reading over the same evidence as you one door down,’ Aaron walked over to _y/n_ and said, “Goodnight, _y/n_.” His brief interaction with her at the precinct from earlier in the day flashed in his head. He didn’t like it when she looked upset. It made him feel nervous, so he asked, “You’d tell me if something was wrong? Wouldn’t you?” The question came out of left field and _y/n_ blinked for a moment, not really knowing why Aaron was asking. At this point, she had sort of forgotten the rude comments being made by the officers, so she replied, “Of course I would Aaron.” At her response, Hotch infinitesimally relaxed and the two headed for the elevator together. Rossi had seen the interaction between them. He didn’t hear what they said, or that _y/n_ had used Hotch’s first name, but he couldn't help but feel that something was there between the two agents. Perhaps it was the way Aaron leaned down a little bit to be in earshot, or the way _y/n_ looked at his friend like nothing else around her mattered. David wouldn’t say anything yet, but he was sure he was going to start paying more attention to Aaron. Rossi wasn’t against whatever was happening between his coworkers. Aaron had had a rough few months, and he thought the man deserved some comfort.

In the morning most of the team was out hunting leads. Derek and _y/n_ had stayed back for a minute because _y/n_ thought she had seen something new in the geographical profile. They would both head to the sight of the first body once she had looked at the board again. _y/n_ was standing, looking at the map, engrossed in the pins Spencer had pushed into all the significant locations thus far. She just barely acknowledged when Morgan said he was going to use the men’s room. She also didn’t notice when one of the officers came up behind her. The man extended a hand and grabbed her ass giving it a squeeze. At the unwanted touch, _y/n_ whipped around saying, “Hey!” The phrases echoed around the nearly empty office. She looked at the man, clocking his name on his badge, Monroe. There was a moment of silence before _y/n_ incredulously said, “What was that?” Monroe gave a laugh and said, “Sorry, babe. I thought you were interested.” With that, the officer quickly left, as he noticed Derek coming back from the bathroom. Monroe nearly brushed shoulders with Morgan as they both tried to fit through the door at the same time.

When Derek got into the room, he noticed that something was off about _y/n_. She was standing still with a  look of shock and disgust on her face. _y/n_ tried to fix her facial features back to normal, but Morgan had seen and quickly strode into the room next to her. Derek looked her over quickly and asked, “_y/n_, what’s wrong?” _y/n_ looked to the floor for a second, biting the inside of her cheek. She couldn’t really believe what had just happened. For a moment she thought about lying but knew that Morgan would keep asking until she gave in. She sighed and looked up at Morgan’s worried face, saying, “That guy just groped me.” At hearing this, Morgan turned on his heel, but Officer Monroe was halfway out the door with Officer Anderson. They were both laughing at some unheard joke. It took everything in Derek to not go over to the two men and give Monroe an unadulterated piece of his mind. However, he knew that wasn’t his place really. And he wanted to make sure _y/n_ was okay. He turned back to _y/n_ and asked, “Are you alright? Did he hurt you?” _y/n_ nodded her head no, saying, “No. I was just shocked, I guess.” Morgan nodded along and said, “It shouldn’t have happened, period. You need to tell Hotch.” _y/n_’s widened at the suggestion. It made sense of course. Issues like this were under his purview, but for some reason telling him about this made her hesitate. Before she could think about it too much Morgan repeated himself saying, “Hotch would want to know.” _y/n_ put her palms up and said, “Fine, fine. I’ll tell him when he gets back.” Morgan gave her a look that made her say, “I promise I’ll tell him.” After a second of picturing that uncomfortable forthcoming conversation _y/n_ said, “He’s gonna be so mad.” Derek could understand what _y/n_ was saying but noted, “Maybe, but not at _y/n_.” There was another awkward silence before Derek finally said, “Do you need a few minutes, or would you like to head out?” Desperate for a distraction _y/n_, almost too quickly replied, “No. let’s go.” 

At the supermarket where the first victim had been found. Morgan and _y/n_ took notes and got the security footage. It seems like they had a real lead by finding the license plate of the van that had dumped the deceased man in the alleyway near the store's load bay. However, the footage was too grainy to make out. After finishing watching the video, _y/n_ moved to call Garcia and see if she could enhance the video quality while Derek asked the security guard who had found the victim in the morning some questions. When she wrapped up her call with Garcia, _y/n_ briefly slumped against the outside wall; closing her eyes. She tried to think about why talking to Hotch about what had happened with Monroe was bothering her so much. She knew that Derek was right. Hotch wouldn’t be mad at her, at all. Maybe it was a feeling of embarrassment? _y/n_’s logical side of her brain said that she didn’t need to be embarrassed. She hadn’t groped anyone, but the feeling persisted. Maybe because talking about the incident meant being vulnerable in front of Aaron which was all fine and good when they were alone in her apartment. But having to do so at work was entirely different. _y/n_ let out a breath deciding to push all her feelings back for a moment. She would deal with it later. For now, she moved back inside the rendezvous with Morgan. 

‘Later’ came as it always did. It was around five o’clock and the whole team was reconvening at the station. As the SUVs arrived one by one in the parking lot, everyone got out. _y/n_ looked over the team. They all looked a little tired, but when didn’t they on a case? _y/n_ felt the fatigue pull at her, but she knew she would find a second wind once she heard what everyone else had found out. She knew this unsub was here lurking in this little town, ready to kill again. She looked over to Aaron who was speaking to Emily about something. _y/n_ desperately wanted coffee and she walked toward the front door as she got close, Officer Monroe walked out the door. His badge was off and it was clear that he was headed home for the day. _y/n_ wondered if the man had a wife? Kids? The idea of it only made her more disgusted. As they neared each other she refused to make room for him on the sidewalk. She’d make him move aside for her. She wasn’t, however, going to look at him. _y/n_ planted her gaze on the sidewalk. Much like Monroe’s unwanted touch that morning, she didn’t expect to walk into him full force. When she turned her face to the man he said, “Hey, watch where you’re going, sweetheart.” _y/n_ could see that Monroe was actually enjoying this and she replied, “You ran into me!” Monroe smiled at seeing this woman like this -- uncomfortable. He had enjoyed the rush of her skin under his hands, and now he hoped for a repeat performance. Hardly thinking that there were others looking on, he quickly and forcefully placed a hand on her navel and then brushed downward. _y/n_ stood stock still as this happened because she thought that it couldn’t possibly be happening. Not here in public, in broad daylight, in front of the whole team? It just couldn’t be happening. 

Aaron was chatting with Emily about the profile as he looked over the team to see how they were doing. As he looked at Morgan, and Morgan returned his gaze with a facial expression that said, ‘We need to talk.’ Aaron gave the man a nod and Morgan looked over to_y/n_ who was walking forward the precinct. Her shoulders seemed pulled tight under her shirt but in a way that hid that she was trying to hide her stress. He watched as she walked into one of the police officers from yesterday who had been overly enthused by _y/n_, Prentiss, and JJ’s presence.  Aaron could barely hear the brief conversation between the two and as the word, “Sweetheart,” was thrown out, Aaron stiffened. And then it happened. He couldn’t fully see where or how far down the officer’s hand had landed because _y/n_ was blocking his view, but Aaron observed _y/n_ stiffen and that told him all he needed to know. 

Before _y/n_ could find her voice and tell Monroe to ‘get the fuck off of her,’ Aaron’s clear sharp voice addressed the officer like a whip. Like a wound aimed at the man that dared to touch _y/n_. Aaron was over to _y/n_ in an instant. He placed a hand on her shoulder, firmly but gently pulling her frozen body back and behind him. Aaron towered over Monroe, and he felt his blood boil. Aaron let a harsh breath out and said, “If you value your job, and your pension you will get your hand Off. My. Agent.” Aaron highlighted each word that evinced his anger. Behind him, _y/n_ felt a wave of relief from being pulled out of that situation. Quickly Spencer and Emily were pulling _y/n_ farther away from the scene, but she could distinctly hear Hotch say, “Get in your car and leave. Now.” Derek watched as Monroe slinked away to his car looking defeated and small. Spencer and Emily walked with _y/n_ into the precinct, asking if she was okay, and the team as a whole huddled around her to make sure she was really alright. When she had reassured them, everyone except for Hotch moved away from _y/n_. Aaron placed a hand on her forearm and led her to a chair. She sat and let the exhaustion of the case, disgust at Monroe's actions, and the feeling of his hand on her body overwhelm her for a moment. A shiver ran through her. Aaron knelt down on one knee to be more on eye level with _y/n_. If his words before had meant to intimidate and accuse, his tone now was one of reassurance and comfort. Aaron spoke professionally but with a hint of something more that spoke to their relationship outside of work. He asked, “Be honest with me. Are you okay? Are you hurt or bruised?” Aaron’s voice helped still her thoughts and she assessed her body before saying softly, “I’m not in any pain.” She didn’t answer his first question because she didn’t particularly feel alright, but she knew she was safe now. Especially now that she was with Aaron. Aaron registered this and asked, “Has this happened before while we’ve been here?” _y/n_swallowed and replied, “Yes, this morning right after everyone headed out for the day.” Aaron gave her that look that said, “Elaborate please.” _y/n_bit her bottom lip, wondering how to phrase what had happened. Not finding any more polite or dignified terms, she said, “Morgan had stepped out and I was focusing on the bulletin board and he, um, came up behind me and grabbed my ass.” She could see the anger, the controlled rage fire through him again and she wanted to say something to reassure Aaron that she really was alright, even if she wasn’t. However, he stopped her as the Chief of Police entered the building. Aaron turned his head back to _y/n_ and said, “Excuse me for a moment.” Then with a tone of reassurance, he said, “This conversation isn’t over.” Hotch stood and looked at Emily who understood that he was asking her to sit with _y/n_. Prentiss moved to sit next to _y/n_. When this was done, Aaron turned his attention to the officer who had just entered the building and said, “Chief Bronson, your office, now.” His intonation left no room for questions or delays and the older man nodded and walked into his cluttered office with Aaron on his heels. Once the door was closed Hotch turned and he felt the anger bubble up to the surface again. As Bronson asked, “What seems to be the problem?” The man sounded nervous. 

From outside the glass-walled room, the team listened as their leader said, “One of your officers just assaulted a member of my team.” Bronson’s response was inaudible, but Hotch’s reply of, “What do I mean?” Could be heard clearly. At this, the team flinched, knowing that the man inside with Hotch was about to have his soul ripped from his body and handed back to him. Everyone listened as Aaron said, “What I mean is that just a few minutes ago, Officer Monroe had his hands on a member of my team in a private area. And that wasn’t the first time this has happened today.” Aaron took a steadying breath before continuing, “As much as I respect law enforcement and what you do, I’m highly concerned about what’s just happened. If someone under your authority thought they had the right to touch a federal agent, I fear what’s happening with normal residents of this town.” Bronson stumbled to find words and said, “Well I certainly don’t condone that behavior.” Aaron let out a harsh scoff, not truly believing the man saying, “Perhaps not, but that doesn’t change the fact that your officer felt entitled to do what he did. And I don’t think Monroe thought he was going to face any consequences, and I can only imagine that he assumed that because you’ve let him get away with behavior like this before.” After this, Hotch’s voice dropped lower so the team outside could no longer hear him. Derek said, “Well I think Officer Bronson has had his ‘Come to Jesus’ moment.’” That comment actually made _y/n_ laugh and she felt a little better now that she could laugh at this whole situation. Hearing Aaron stand up for her like that made her feel warm inside in a comforted sort of way. Aaron finished unloading with the warning, “You’ll be receiving an ethics complaint from the Department of Justice as soon as I’m back in Quantico. You might consider cutting your losses before then.” With that, he got up and left the office. 

Later that evening in _y/n_’s room, she and Aaron sat. She was sitting on the edge of the bed facing Aaron who was in the only chair in the lamplit space. This was to be a continuation of their conversation from before. _y/n_ looked over at Hotch and saw how perturbed he looked. She felt a tug in her chest seeing him like this. He already had to deal with so much and now there was this. She started the conversation in an attempt to soothe this new hurt by saying, “Hotch, it really wasn’t that bad. He didn’t hurt me, it was just unexpected.” At her words, he dipped his head and said, “It never should have happened, _y/n_. He touched you without your consent twice, and I couldn’t prevent it.” _y/n_frowned and felt that Aaron had to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders with this job. She said, “It’s not your fault, Aaron. I know you see how they look at JJ, Em, and I.” Hotch lifted his head and placed a warm hand on her knee saying, “Of course I see, and it bothers me more than I can say. Having these men look at you is bad enough, but when one of them starts to act on those feelings, it's unconscionable.” _y/n_ saw that she wasn’t going to make him feel any better, so instead she put her hand over his and gently rubbed over his knuckles with her thumb. She said, “I’m going to be okay Aaron. And if I’m not, I’ll let you know. Thank you for looking out for me.” Hotch let out a breath at her touch and words, simply replying, “Always, _y/n_. I’ll always be here.” He wanted to lean in and press his body to hers. To cover her from unwanted attention and hands. But there was still a case, and she looked tired, but he promised himself when this was solved that he would be spending a considerable amount of time either on his or her couch with _y/n_ on his lap and his arms settled around her; as long as that was something she wanted of course. 

The case wrapped up a few days later and the team headed home. On the plane ride back, _y/n_ crashed on the couch facing Spencer. Emily, Rossi, and Morgan watched with a small amount of surprise,  then a soft understanding as Hotch quietly took off his blazer and placed it over her curled, sleeping body. And when Rossi left his office and walked toward his car he stopped and made sure Aaron and _y/n_ didn’t see him as Hotch held _y/n_ and leaned down to kiss her forehead. As Hotch wrapped her in his arms, _y/n_’s hands moved to his chest, and after everything that had happened on top of the case, at least she knew that she was always safe with him.

[lunerna21]

***I meant to do a post for Chapter 1 of Book 7 earlier but it’s been super chaotic with the holidays 😭***

***Slightly longer post but I just want to get my feelings out lol***

BUT I do wanna vent about specific parts of this chapter cause I’m constantly on edge waiting for the release of Chapter 2 (even though I’ll be crying and hyperventilating throughout the next chapter)

First of all, let me start off with how much I love seeing Sebek have a bitch fit from us calling Malleus Tsunotaro

Like dude basically had an aneurysm and tantrum over it and I fucking love his reaction 😭

(Also totally not loving the attention from Malleus in the very beginning of the chapter 🙈)

Being such a huge fan of Sleeping Beauty I’m thriving on the focus of it for this Book and I can’t wait to see where it takes us ❤️

BUT BUT There were two parts that had me almost to the point of losing my goddamn mind

1. The idea that we could be leaving Ace, Deuce and Grim

When Deuce and Grim started reminiscing and getting upset about us leaving and Grim being alone again

JUST THE ABSOLUTE HEARTBREAK I FELT IN THIS SCENE WAS AWFUL LIKE TWST WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME

CAN WE GIVE OURSELVES A BREAK WE KEEPING GOING THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT TOGETHER

BUT THEN ACE'S REACTION IS SENDING ME TO THE HEAVENS

I'M SO CONFUSED AT ACE'S REACTION LIKE CMON TELL ME HOW YOU ACTUALLY FEEL

Throughout the whole series we've always seen Ace consoling us and keeping his positive outlook, and I'm DYING to see how he reacts to us leaving when we have a guaranteed way home

I feel like once he know's our time is coming to an end, Ace is gonna be inconsolable and just completely break down and beg us to not leave

AND I WILL NOT BE OKAY

IF I SEE ALL THREE OF THEM CRYING ABOUT US LEAVING OR THE OTHER STUDENTS IM GONNA BE IN THERAPY FOR WEEKS

I wish we got to see him more vulnerable but I feel like Yana is just cooking something up to DEVASTATE the fandom

AND THE ACEYUU LOVER THAT I AM IM HOPING WE GET SOME DEVELOPMENT CAUSE THIS LITTLE SHIT IS SO GOOD AT MASKING HIS FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS

LIKE CMON ACE TRAPPOLA LET ME KNOW HOW YOU FEEL

2. Malleus speaking about this past

LET ME TELL YOU MALLEUS DRACONIA NEEDS SO MUCH GODDAMN LOVE

THE AMOUNT OF TIME MALLEUS WAS ALONE AND HE WAS USED TO IT IS ABSOLUTELY AWFUL

(Also screw that last option like why would I ever pick that after what he told us)

Just the fact as he was telling his story and we pointed it out and he was just like "Oh, I guess I was" and acknowledged it

Does everyone need to be so traumatized by their past in this game like goddamn the whole goddamn school needs a therapist

Just reminiscing on his reactions to spending time with us in the main story and side stories, and how much he enjoyed being included just makes the past events more special with him 😭

....And his reaction afterward we told him we'd found a way home...

WE'RE JUST ADDING ON MORE TO HIS LONELINESS AND I HATE IT CAN'T WE GIVE MALLEUS LOVE AND A BREAK

AND THEN THE WAY IT ENDED JUST SENDS ME INTO OVERDRIVE EVERY GODDAMN TIME

.....Malleus facing the horrible reality that everyone is slowly fading from his life and he has no way to prevent this is just....

When I tell you I'm going to be in therapy after Chapter 2, I will be so inconsolable that I will be in shambles for a while

I'm glad I'm also caught up to the Chapter 6 on the JPN server, but having to now relive everything in the EN server I will not be okay

Now I will sit in and cry impatiently as I wait for a date for the newest Chapter (ALSO MANIFESTING MORE CHAPTERS NEXT MONTH FOR BOTH SERVERS EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS)

Enjoying the rest of your day~~!! *walks off in tears*

[babypuffinzoe]

Happy new year! 🎉💖 I hope you're all doing well and that you had a lovely time over the winter holidays!

It's been quite a while since I was last on here, almost four months I think! The past few months have been quite a journey and also transformative for me in many ways. This post is an update on what has been going on with me lately and my plans for the future (warning: it may get dark at times but it's all okay in the end).

Back in August when I came home from my trip abroad I had family visiting, which was a mixture of emotions, and I ended up hitting my head really hard while they were over, leading to me getting a mild concussion. Although I feel like the word ‘mild’ doesn't accurately convey the pain that comes with such a concussion. 😂 During this time I was trying to pretend like everything was okay, when inside I was slowly losing my mind and life was becoming very overwhelming. After my last post in September, things got really bad for me, both with my physical and mental health.

From September onwards I had to face my medical phobia as I could no longer avoid going to the doctors. I was constantly fatigued, along with a range of other symptoms, and I suddenly developed a very weird rash which resembled meningitis and gave me quite the scare. Long story short, after many tests and a lot of stress, they were not able to determine what had caused the rash but at least it's nothing to be concerned about! I did, however, discover that I have a condition called hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is the most likely cause of all the pain and fatigue I experience. Now that I know this, I can better manage my days and have a better understanding of how my body works, so I’ve been kinder to myself lately.

I won't go into too much detail about all my mental health struggles at this time, since this post is already getting quite long! I have struggled with intrusive thoughts and ‘voices’ in my head since I was a child, which tell me very negative things about myself and my life. It was only in the past months that I have been able to realise with the help of my therapist that these thoughts are not true and not something I need to listen to or take on board when it comes to my life choices. I have been able to actually do things I enjoy again and I am hoping to keep up this momentum during 2024! There are still a lot of other things I am working on and that I currently struggle with, including managing my eating disorder, flashbacks, and PMDD (or potentially PME with the new research that is coming out). However, I am finally at a point where I feel confident in the direction my life is heading and I have more confidence in myself. When things get bad, I tend to isolate myself (one of the unhealthy habits I am working on changing). I struggle to share my feelings with others and hate feeling like a burden, so I pull away from everyone. When I first created my social media accounts, my goal was to use them to help me express myself and have a safe space to share my thoughts and feelings. I really want to put more effort into socialising this year and to isolate less. It's okay to ask for help and it's okay to rely on others when I need it, as I would help them when they do. 💖

During all this I also had a friend move in to my house, which means I have a lot less privacy. That combined with the health scare I had meant I had to put ABDL and kinky stuff on hold for a while. I was also really struggling to get into littlespace and had a lot of confusing thoughts regarding kink in general and what I really wanted. I think I only wore diapers about twice over the months as I just couldn't get into the right headspace. I am happy to say that I am definitely feeling more little lately and I am excited to start wearing nappies again! 🤭

To end on a positive note, I want to share some good things that have happened over the past months. I have found a sport I really enjoy and have been consistently exercising now for the past month or so! I’m super proud of myself as this has been a goal of mine for years! And my daddy and I had our one year anniversary in December and spent Christmas together. 🥰

Thank you to everyone who sent me messages while I was away! Even if I haven't replied yet, know that I appreciate you checking up on me so much and I will try to get back to everyone this weekend! 😊💖 And thank you to all of you who continue to support me and care about me, it truly means a lot. I know I haven't been the most reliable in terms of content creation and I want to get better at that this year, as creating content is one of my favourite things to do and I have had so much fun with it in the past!

I hope 2024 is a great year for us all! Stay safe ily 💖

[calliecat93]

Valentines' Day List: Ranking The Disney Princess Couples

Happy Valentines Day everyone! Whether you are with the love of your life, still waiting for Cupid's arrow, or are 100% happy single, I hope that you are having a wonderful day. So for the past couple of years, I've been doing lists for the holiday. A Top 10 Ships list (that is now outdated hence why no link), Top 10 Disney Couples, Top 5 Disney Love Songs, and a Top 5 Spones Episode List for Star Trek TOS. What's in the cards this year?

Well after forgetting, the only thing I could come up with was a Ranking List. In this case, we're going through all the main Disney Princess pairings and I will rank them from least favorite to favorite. I'm also going to count Frozen cause why not? However, this will NOT include Merida, Moana, and Elsa as they do not have any canonical love interests at the time of this writing. Also a note for Pocahontas, I am focusing this based simply on the context within the film. We know about the inaccuracies and such that I don't feel like going into here, so just be aware that I am talking about the pairing simply based on the in-film interpretation. And of course, these are just my opinions, so please take it all with a grain of salt.

Everything clear? Good. Then let's begin!

#11. Snow White/The Prince

Right at the bottom is the first ever Disney Princess romance. No, it has nothing to do with the whole 'he kissed her while she was asleep' argument. People have tried to demonize the film by saying the prince denied Snow White's consent and I could write a whole essay on why that's stupid... and I kinda sorta did a few years back. But The Prince is ultimately a plot device with little to no screentime and not even extended material to y knowledge has seemed to do much to further the relationship. The guy doesn't even have a name (Florian is the one I see pop up the most but IDK how official it is). It may be one of my very few fleeting hopes for the remake to explore like they did Cinderella.

That's pretty much my only complaint. It's fine. It's cute. I'm happy that Snow White is able to finally be happy after all the Hell the Queen put her through. But that's really all that I can say about it. It's just... a thing that exists cause we need the kiss to awaken Snow White. But hey, everything's gotta start somewhere and without this we wouldn't have had anything else. So it deserves our respect.

#10. Anna/Kristoff

Back when Frozen came out, it was praised for addressing and calling out Disney's cliched 'fall in love at first sight/marry a guy he girl just met' trope. It's meant to be against rushing romance, especially when you know absolutely nothing about the guy... and then proceeded to do precisely that with Anna and Kristoff. Oops. I think the two are cute and fit together, don't get me wrong. But Dear God their development is REALLy bad. It's very rushed and comes out of nowhere which I wouldn't have an issue with... but because the movie outright rubbed in our faces how you shouldn't do this and that is a bad thing, it makes it really hard to ignore. And trust me, I tried. And no, Anna waiting like... a day or so longer than with Hans doesn't excuse the execution. Really the whole message when taken as a critique of the there Princess films is incredibly problematic and outright inaccurate, but that's for another day.

I go back and forth on how much I like these two as a couple. You can even see how different my opinion was back when the film first came out. Anna is my favorite character while Kristoff is okay and gets more 'meh' as time passes. I watch them during the movie and like their interactions, but they come off more like bickering buddies than anything prior to them finding Elsa. Then Kristoff worries and cares for Anna... and then Fixer Upper happens and it feels even MORE forced. Then in Frozen II, Anna misunderstands Kristoff various times and ultimately ditches him without really any thought or care about it in order to support Elsa. Which is great, sisterly love and all and to be fair she did apologize, but it really shows how much the film really didn't care about their relationship. That's not going into how the movie in general treated Kristoff as useless with even Olaf being more relevant and like he was just there cause there would be questions about where he was otherwise. But then we get to him proposing and Anna's reaction and... God these two give me so many mixed signals.

If I have to accept that Frozen III is happening, I REALLY hope that they give Anna and Kristoff the treatment that they deserve. Because ironically in the first film's attempt to call out rushed romances, it created one itself with all the problems that it tried to criticize its predecessors over. It's far from the worst romance ever, it has a lot of cute moments and I do think that the two are a good match. I just need the films to realize that.

#9. Pocahontas/John Smith

As I said, we are going to just focus on how this is presented in the film and leave it at that. These two are... okay. Pocahontas is a film that legit gets me emotional and has since I was a kid. But looking back, even now knowing the actual history, I wonder '...why did this have to be a romance at all?'. I know they were going for a Romeo and Juliet vibe, but I feel like it may have been stronger had Pocahontas not been aged up and just became friends with John, ultimately willing to risk her own life to save him and stop the bloodshed. It would certainly cause fewer ugh... unfortunate implications, let's just say that.

I feel like I like the atmosphere and presentation more than the actual relationship. The film has so much beauty and Alan Mencken's score is just so beautiful. Whenever I watch everything from Pocahontas visiting John before his execution to the very last scene of her waving goodbye as the ship sails away... dang it, the emotions! You all have no idea how many times I've listened to the end credits version of If I Never Knew You. There is a reason I listed that as my Favorite Disney Love Song a few years back.

But once I finish the movie and get back down from the emotional high, I think it over and again go '...why is this a romance? did it really need to be?'. And I kind of just forget about it until I decide to put the movie on again. I can never bring myself to hate this film due to how it impacted me, though I acknowledge its problems and how upsetting it can be for people. But ultimately the romance is just forgettable at best to the point that I sometimes wonder if the second movie pairing Pocahontas with her RL husband John Rolfe really was that bad of a move. But best to not think too much more on that

#8. Aurora/Phillip

This is Snow White/The Prince done better. Not a surprise since the film reused some of the early ideas for Snow White, but still. Of the three original princesses, this is the best-done relationship. This may make you wonder why Cinderella ranks above it, but I'll go into that in that entry. So these two are cute. Phillip certainly proved his love by fighting Maleficent and her forces and by his kiss awakening Aurora. As I said above, the 'the kiss was non-consensual' argument is a non-issue for me and we're just gonna leave it at that.

There's not a lot more to say honestly. They had a bit more development in their meeting than Snow and her prince did, we have Phillip saving her, and... yeah that's it. I don't dislike them by any means. I can't think of any negative points aside from maybe it's rushed, but that was just the nature of things back then. It's a Hell of a lot better than how it goes in the original stories. I like it better than the other three I already listed, just not as much as the seven below. That's really it. Sometimes you just like something cause you do, nothing wrong with that.

#7. Mulan/Shang

You would think that this would be near the top considering that Mulan is my favorite movie of all time. But I never loved it due to its romance, which while not irrelevant is a side-element compared to it being so major in the other seven previous films. Mulan isn't driven by love like Aladdin and Aurora, nor is it love at first sight like Snow White and Cinderella. She meets Shang while posing as a boy and he's her commanding officer. Before we go further, for this film at least Shang being Mulan's superior is a non-issue, especially since nothing happens until Mulan's out of the military anyways.

These two are cute. They start off simply as commander and trainee and Shang is frustrated with 'Ping', even kicking 'him' out. But Mulan refuses to give up and earns Shang's respect, and even friendship. She outright risks her life to save him during the avalanche despite being injured, that's nothing to sneeze at. She's clearly crushing on Shang and Shang may be crushing on 'Ping', I'm not very qualified to go into that since I honestly never saw it. His feelings get more complicated after discovering the truth and he's upset... but it doesn't last too long with him ultimately trusting and accepting Mulan and her abilities. Then we get awkward Shang at the end and it just cracks me up XD

We end the film with the early signs of them forming a relationship and being able to get to know each other. Shang gets to know Mulan as she truly is. Mulan gets to know Shang away from the battlefield and from him being her captain. Mulan II focused on them getting engaged... and that's all I wanna say about it. Yeah, as much as I love Mulan and like the two fine, the romance meant very little to me over the focus on finding one's true self. But I know that especially for the bisexual crowd, Shang was so important to people and this relationship in turn means something to people. And that is a beautiful thing. But for me they're good and they rank above the others cause it's Mulan.

#6. Belle/Beast

There was a time when I was indifferent to the film, let alone the romance that is at the heart of it. But now that I'm older and especially seeing all the arguments about them from all sides, those times have changed. I love them. Are they perfect? No. Beast is a temperamental brat who only wants Belle's love to break the spell. Belle is there only because she took her father's place and wants nothing to do with the Beast and his behavior. It seems like they're a match made in Hell... but then something happens. They change. Belle, after the Beast saves her from the wolf, is grateful and ultimately tends to his wounds because she's just too kind, but still stands up for herself. Beast, touched by this kindness, finds he wants to return it and starts to experience happiness for what may be the first time in his life.

When it becomes clear that the Beast is a damaged person who despite his issues is able to make himself a better person is when things change. The Beast doesn't become kinder for Belle... well okay maybe a little but that's not the main thing. The Beast became kinder because of Belle, as shown when he gives up his chance to become human again so that Belle can rescue her father. Why? Because he loved her so much that he let her go. And Belle tried to defend the Beast from the village and returned to try and save him, proving how much she'd grown to care for him.

The Beast gave Belle the one thing that she wanted: to be loved for who she was. Not because of her beauty. Not as some kind of trophy. But because the Beast genuinely loved her. A love that she returned and thus freed the Beast from the curse. It's such a beautiful love story. Is it for everyone? No. As much as I've disagreed with some of the arguments, I can see why the Beast's behavior may make people uncomfortable and how it may enforce an 'I can change them!' mindset even if indirectly. But I think that this is that kind of story done well with Belle never letting the Beast treat her poorly and the Beast taking it upon himself to change. They bring out the best in each other and earned their happy ending. And when it comes to tales as old as time, that's all I could ever want.

#5. Cinderella/Prince Charming

Some of these rankings were due to movie preferences. Chances are I would have ranked Aurora/Phillip above Mulan/Shang, but since I had similar feelings about both it boiled down to me liking Mulan more than Sleeping Beauty. Which is why Cinderella/Charming ended up here in Number Five. Let's face it, they have a similar issue as Snow/The Prince with Charming IDT ever having an on-screen name until the live-action remake. If I was counting the remakes I would use Ella/Kit's relationship as a justification for the placement and it may have even been higher, but I'm not so ah well.

Some of it boils down to nostalgia. Cinderella was one of the first movies I ever saw and is very special to me. Another big reason is what the relationship means for Cinderella herself. Cinderella endured significant emotional abuse, but always found a way to remain kind. Especially after her step-family destroyed her mother's dress, seeing her at the ball and just so happy as she dances with the prince is beautiful. And Charming looking up, seeing her, and forgetting about everything else as he personally approaches her, especially with how bored he'd been with all the girls going up to him? Perfection. 100% perfection.

Sadly, Charming has the same issue as Snow White's prince in being more of a plot device than an actual character, hence why I can't rank this higher. To Disney's credit they have given Charming a few moments of characterization in other works such as the DTV films, the third one especially doing him a LOT of good. But even without it, sometimes you just like a ship because you like seeing the one-half happy. Seeing Cinderella happy and loved at long last? How could I ask for anymore reason to love these two?

#4. Ariel/Eric

These two are adorable and I love them. Is it another fast-paced one? Yeah, although at least we kind of have a justification for it. Speaking of said justification. Yes, Ariel made a rash decision in becoming human. Does that make her and Eric's relationship bad? No. Eric is what Ariel always imagined about humans. He's friendly, brave, and outright risks his life to save his dog. Who wouldn't fall for that? He's also the first human that Ariel got to see up close and thus she becomes infatuated. Chances are it would have stayed like that if her father didn't take the actions that he did and Ursula used Eric as the catalyst for Ariel taking the deal.

When we finally get the two to interact, it's just adorable. Ariel is living out her dream with her crush. Eric, although infatuated with the mermaid that saved him, is nothing but kind to Ariel. He, a royal who could leave Ariel with anyone else and leave it at that, takes what he thinks is a shipwrecked mute girl back to his home and gives her the royal treatment just because he's a good man. The two's interactions are just so cute with Ariel being so excited and expressive even without her voice and Eric being won over. It's just... dang it they're so cute!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Is the pairing perfect? No. I get it, it's rushed and overly idealistic. Do I care? No. It's a Disney Fairy Tale. I'm here for the warm fuzzies, not cynical reality. And these two ALWAYS give me the warm fuzzies. It's at Number 4 only because I think the Top 3 have more development between the pairings, but it's still in one of the top spots. People will likely always criticize the movie for Ariel and her decisions and I guess we'll see if the remake addresses those things. But for me, I'll always love these two and getting to be a part of their world.

#3. Tiana/Naveen

This could have easily been a miss. Tiana's an independent working woman aiming for her dreams, sacrificing any free time and personal life to do so. Naveen is a spoiled playboy who loves to party and has no sense of responsibility which has caused him to be cut off and left to his own devices. They are such opposite personalities. It would be so easy to make us hate their interactions and make the pairing seem forced. But despite how fast-paced it is, it doesn't feel forced at all.

Not only is it fun to watch these two bicker and clash over their differing lifestyles, but they really did need each other. Naveen needed Tiana to realize his flaws and find the initiative to both take responsibility and have the drive to care for someone outside himself. Tiana needed Naveen to realize that there's more to life than just working and to see that even if she can't reach her dream she has what she needs: love. It's so cute when the two start to bond and start to realize what the other person needs, willing to sacrifice their own needs for that person. They even accept being frogs when it seems they've lost their chance, happy that they can be together.

As I said it's very fast-paced. It's kind of a common trend in the Disney Princess films directed by John Musker and Ron Clements. Yet they somehow do it SO freakin' well. Like I said it was so easy to screw this pair up, but Tiana and Naveen are well-written characters who don't cross the line into annoying and their development comes off as more funny and sweet than annoying. They're great and I love them~!

#2. Aladdin/Jasmine

I adore them so much. I can say that about most of these, but these two? IDK what it is. Maybe it's A Whole New World. Maybe it's the beautiful magic carpet ride along the night sky. I don't know, but I know I love it. Aladdin's a street rat who wants to be seen as more. Jasmine is a princess who just wants her freedom. When the two meet it's love at first sight. Their interactions are so cute and natural and their chemistry just sparks instantly. Despite being from completely different worlds, they connect to feeling trapped in their lives and it's just so beautiful and God I love it~!

The only issue is Aladdin feels unworthy because he's a street rat and Jasmine is obligated by law to marry a prince. Thus once he gets the lamp, he decides to lie and act like he thinks a prince would. What goes horribly wrong as Jasmine is no prize to be won. She liked Aladdin because he treated her as a person and related to her. As far as she's concerned, Prince Ali is just another stuck-up asshole who wanted her for her looks and money and she ain't having it. It's only when Aladdin drops the act and acts like himself that he starts to win Jasmine over, even if he still lies once she figures out he was the same boy she met before.

Once the truth is revealed and Aladdin proves himself by saving the kingdom, the two are free to be together. Aladdin chooses to be true to himself. Jasmine is given the freedom to choose who she wants to love. Jasmine loves Aladdin because he loves her for her. Aladdin loves Jasmine because of her independence and beauty inside and out. It's again a very fast romance, arguably the biggest offender of the 'love at first sight and makes bad decisions due to it' argument (which ironically Aladdin is probably THE most guilty protagonist of this yet he never gets heat unlike the girls, but that's all I'll say). But I don't care. They are adorable and the extended material, DTVs, and the series only made me love them more. I recommend the episode The Secret of Dagger Rock where you get to see what happens when you both kidnap Jasmine's man AND make her mad. You'll NEVER question why Aladdin fell for her when you see that XD

As much as I love these two, there was only one real choice for number one. And it wasn't even close. You all know what it is.

#1. Rapunzel/Eugene

I normally hate going for the obvious, but sometimes there's a reason that it's... well, the obvious. I love these two together so much. Admittedly that can be blamed on the series to some degree, which also really helped Aladdin and Jasmine be in the number two spot. But even discounting that I just love their relationship so much. It starts off as hilarious then becomes sweeter and sweeter until by the end you're bawling your eyes out from sadness then from pure happiness.

Rapunzel is a sheltered girl wanting to see beyond her tower. Eugene, going by Flynn Ryder, is a thief pretending to be something he's not. When the two meet at first Rapunzel has him agree to take her to see the lanterns and Flynn is trying to trick her into giving back the crown he stole. But ultimately they start to bond with Flynn revealing his true name and Rapunzel letting him know about her magic hair, Rapunzel is finally able to connect with someone away from Mother Gothel and Eugene is able to be himself and trust someone after only being with himself for so long.

There are just so many beautiful moments after that. The two having fun in the kingdom with Eugene going out of his way to ensure that Rapunzel has the best time imaginable. The two talking about dreams and finding a new one. The entire I See the Light sequence, which is one of the most beautiful Disney moments ever. Then the ending where Rapunzel is willing to be locked away by Gothel forever just to save Eugene. Eugene, despite dying slowly and painfully, cuts Rapunzel's hair to free her. "He chooses that over his own life"You were my new dream." Just... just everything oh my God. Now, of course, Eugene survives and the two get their happily ever after, and out of all of the happily ever afters, theirs feel the most powerful and it only got better in the series.

Just talking about it now makes me emotional. It's just so beautiful and pure and everything I dream of when it comes to love. These are two people that found what they needed in each other and they're both willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for the other's sake. It's done in such a fun yet beautiful way and I just love them. I know I've said that about almost all of these, but this one? Aside from Mickey and Minnie, this is the best romance that Disney has ever done bar none. It is my favorite of the Disney Princess romances and while I know to never say never, it's gonna be tough to ever top this one.

And that's all for this year! Hopefully next year I won't forget. Maybe I'll finally do a new version of that Top 10 OPT list, we'll see. But thank you all for reading and have a Happy Valentine's Day~!

[bonewaryreblogs]

These Trolls be Trollin' Me

I have many thoughts about Trolls.

The canon backstory is pretty dark, though the movies themselves cover it up with so much rainbows and glitter that you don't really notice it at first and the dark parts are played for laughs. It's prime real-estate for trauma and drama, though, and the fandom has capitalized on this in a way the movies don't dare touch on. I tend to gravitate to traumatized characters anyways, especially if there are cute aesthetics involved!

So.

Before I can go about rewriting the movies (because of course that's what I'm gonna do lol) I need a solid understanding of the backstory and how the characters got to where they are. And that's what this post is all about! Not sure if any of it counts as spoilers but here's your warning anyways lol...

"Hair we go!"

Before time began, there were… 6 Musical Strings! We know not where they came from, only that they have the power to create worlds, and fill them with life. That is how the race of magical beings known as trolls was born. Like all great power, some wanted it for good, others for evil, and so began the String War; a war that divided the trolls’ music into genres and ever more niche subgenres, but never again allowed to mix and mashup their flavors of music. Pop trolls, the most likely to shamelessly utilize sounds from other genres, were blamed for the war and the resulting division, eventually being ejected from the greater Troll Kingdom; however, some small, niche subgenres remained, such as Kpop. The remaining troll tribes adopted an “I ignore you, you ignore me” kind of truce, leaving them isolated from each other.

Forced to flee, the pop trolls traveled south, through the Never Glades, and eventually settled in a tropical-type jungle, centered around an ancient, hollow but living, tree they called the Troll Tree; this became their capitol, where the royals resided. They thrived in the thick jungles, innumerable smaller communities developing and working with nature to be able to support their quickly growing numbers, spreading far and wide. Over time, pop trolls thought they were the only trolls there were, forgetting about the other troll tribes in anything but legend; to everyone but the royals, anyways, who handed down the “true” history of the pop trolls.

This was the status quo until the bergens from the west, traveling in tribal groups with nothing to unite them, discovered they could “feel true happiness” by eating a troll. United by their growing appetite for troll, the bergens led a swift campaign to track down the troll capitol and surround it; first with temporary structures but soon with more permanent buildings, including a castle for the newly dubbed “Bergen King” who led the campaign. Trolls were hunted all year, stored at the now caged in Troll Tree, until Trollstice; a yearly feast set up so as to not decimate the troll population.

The troll royals had initially fled the Troll Tree, hoping to come back and free the others later, but King Peppy was eventually captured while holding Poppy’s egg in his hair, separated from his (mortally wounded) queen and eldest daughter, Viva. As he was at the troll tree, Peppy refused to give up and, shortly after Poppy hatched, led those trapped out of the tree via tunnels. Realizing the tree was no longer secure, the Bergen King Gristle Sr. cast out his head chef, who was charged with keeping the trolls in their enclosure, and Trollstice was abandoned only a few years (decades?) after it had become tradition. Long enough that it felt like it was always a part of their culture. Being only recently united, the bergens didn’t have any other set holidays that everyone agreed on either.

BroZone was working on the Perfect Family Harmony, as were many other family bands of the time, hoping to be able to use it to free troll-kind from the Bergen menace. With initially four members, their parents were captured shortly after Branche’s egg was produced and left to oldest brother John Dory and grandma Rosiepuff to raise. Inducted into the band almost immediately (trolls hatch already at the toddler stage), Branch had a few smaller performances with his brothers before they attempted the Harmony again, on the biggest stage they’d seen. When they failed, the older four brothers left Branch with grandma that night and the pair were captured by bergens early the next morning, along with many of the concert goers, having been drawn by the lively concert.

Grandma Rosiepuff was taken by Chef early, along with a few others, leaving Branch newly grey and blaming himself as he runs away on the day of Trollstice. Since there were constantly new trolls at the Troll Tree, those that escaped weren’t all as traumatized by losing family members to Trollstice as they could have been and those that were tended to put on a happy face and “not think about it” but Branch was unable to do that, having sever survivor’s guilt on top of abandonment issues.

[ndostairlyrium]

Fanfiction Writer Bingo 🎲

Tagged by @greypetrel ✨ thanks dear ;; also for your input!

Edit: @shivunin I just noticed your tag, thank you so much ;; 💛

Before developing some of the slots, I'm quoting what @greypetrel wrote about the central statement, which is one of the reasons I asked for her opinion:

FanFiction is an actual literary genre as much as anything that gets written and read by other people. It's niche and it's for free, it doesn't mean it's inherently bad. "Fan Fiction" shouldn't be a synonym with "Poor writing and lack of originality"... Or no fanfiction would ever be published and sold millions of copies, am I right? ;) ("But some FF is pretty bad.". Yes, but so are published books. Publishing comes with editors and translators, authors are not alone and yet I could give you examples of published books that are just good to be used for decoupage.)

For me it was totally one of those "ooh, that makes sense" moments one has when reading something they never thought about. Both here and privately she put things in a way that makes absolutely sense and I wanted to highlight it ;; hope you don't mind having this reposted <3

Anyway!

I'm not an elder in whatever fandom space but I do have both a livejournal and a ff.net account lol and I still hold gently in my hands my efp account - if you're italian and into fics you know that site don't lie a nonna >> *buca palloni*

I tried to post on wattpad last year but I'm afraid I'm too old for that site :'D even if it has some cool personalization features.

I did roleplay! A lot, actually! it was my personality trait for a while lol VtM was a big fave <3 I even wrote a small short story instead of an actual backstory for the character I never had the chance to play ;;

Everything I write is 100% self indulgent << never doubt that!

Whatever you see going on in my tags here on this blog, I do that too on comments most of the times. Dude, I edit my comments twice before posting because they're filled with "aaaa eeeek uuuughhh"s :'DDD also they're full of gifs and memes << I'm an annyoing commentator (is that english? lmao) I really should restart reading and commenting fics now that I'm officially on holidays ;;

I do have three unfinished projects. Unfortunately, one is like... To be fair, I'm still bitter about how I handled it, because it's that fic that "deserves more attention". Deserved it, actually, and I forced myself to remove it because the fact that it had few interactions and it wasn't well received even within my mutual's circle was giving me severe anxiety. I took it way too personally <<' Now, I must thank and praise @underneathestars here because if it wasn't for her support, I wouldn't even have posted the final chapters of the first part. That was an "I wrote it for fun, I wasn't having fun" type scenario, basically. I was in a bad headspace and now that I'm less demanding with myself I'm starting to having much more fun writing ;; it took me a while to figure out that I don't need to be perfect in something I like to do in order to enjoy it and now I'm legit having the time of my life with the one I'm posting :'D

Sorry for the rant lol

Blank and tags:

I'm tagging: @underneathestars (ofc &lt;3) @sparatus @demandthedoodles and I see everyone else had been tagged lol so whoever wants to do this, consider yourself tagged

[oonajaeadira]

For the Love of Fic: January 2

Do I still have holiday reading to catch up on? Yes. Did I try real hard to get more done? Yes. Will I be reading holiday fic all this week? Yes.

In the meantime, I did love a lot of fic this week!

FRANKIE MORALES

Unnamed by @juletheghoul A short, beautiful, angsty but sweet fic wherein the reader is a siren and refuses to let Frankie hear her voice for heartbreaking reasons.

Let it Squall by @grogusmum So sweet and seasonal. I love a soft Frankie and of course he’s gonna cutely fall for the single girl out to cut down her own tree.  And of course he’ll be the gentleman who helps her get it home. I’m making little squee noises. I love it so much...

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DIETER BRAVO

Dieter Bravo and the No Good, Very Bad, Awful Christmas Movie by @blueeyesatnight I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THIS IS SO GREAT. It’s Dieter, and Blue is amazing at writing him like a complete fkn trainwreck. She made him childish and irratable and grumpy and then paired him with a sunshine assistant. She made me laugh my whole ass off OUT LOUD and then slammed me with FEELINGS. I was amused AND moved and she snuck up on me and did me a Hallmark Christmas and she did this with DIETER. Dammit, I love this so much.

Hospital Pass by @deadhumourist Is this an annoyance-to-lovers fic? Yes. Sex in a semi-public place? Yes. Naughty and fun? You bet. What I didn’t expect was to be moved to tears with laughter because HE’S SUCH A SHIT and says some ridiculous stuff that reader just dryly shuts down. There were a few times I had to stop reading just to control the giggles before moving on. Ani got this little shithead down and it’s wonderful.

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DIN DJARIN

Competing For Christmas 6: Let It Snow (The Aftermath) by @something-tofightfor

I feel like I get on here every week and just flail over this fic and this week is no different. Now that we know Din’s big secret I was hoping some relief might come, but no, Rachael is good at making it hurt and setting up impossible-to-be-together situations but also dropping one little beacon of hope and wrapping it up in shining paper (literally) to keep the lovelight burning. It’s so romantic and I ache and I love it.

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JACK DANIELS 

It’s A Marshmallow World 2 by @writeforfandoms And in the second half of Marshmallow World, Jack is charming and sweet and has the best gift in the world for the reader and I just wanna wear greenery crowns and snuggle on a blanket with hot cocoa in a beautiful, wintry wonderland. Gimme.

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OBERYN MARTELL

Meant to Be - Part 4: The Development by @radiowallet Oberyn is a stubborn beast. He’s caught up on how love does or doesn’t work and it’s making life hard for everyone...but I appreciate that he’s trying to understand now. That he wants to learn. The push and pull of these two soulmates against each other is frustrating and lovely, compressing the spring and winding the rubber band.... I cannot wait for physics to take hold...

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JOEL MILLER

Make Good Ones by @the-blind-assassin-12 What could be better than being wrapped up in Joel’s arms and telling him a Christmas story from the beforetimes? Sharing your memories with him and the reasons why Christmas is so special to you....only for him to turn around and keep making it so. This is so warm and full of feels. I love it so much.

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MARCUS MORENO

Secret Santa fic for @noisynaia by @just-here-for-the-moment I don’t know much about Marcus, but I know he’s pretty sweet and kind. In this fic, he’s also a little ridden by food poisoning. But he still lives up to being sweet and kind and I can get behind the reader’s crush all the way.

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PERO TOVAR

Use Your Words by @lowlights Pero and his little bruja wife are just the sweetest. He’s still rough and grumpy, but now that he has a lady who’s sweet to him, his own sweetness blooms. But when she teases, she gives him ideas he goes adorably meek for. Bless him, the boy tries out a little kink but can’t take it for too long! I love it. I love that he’s got the shadows of brute in him but he’s made soft for one special witch...

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JAVI GUTIERREZ

Holiday Getaway by @chaoticgeminate Javi G and Solicita from Kell’s kinktober series are back on vacation and up to their kink tricks again. Even though it’s Solicita that goes snooping, it’s she who has a very special present for Javi. I love revisiting these two and finding out what they’re up to. I’m so happy to see that the wedding plans are going well, and even if there’s something of a traditional upset in the timing, I love that Javi doesn’t care a bit. He just loves her so much.

[donteattheappleshook]

Captain Swan Fics Masterpost

List below the cut

Find me on Ao3 as donteattheappleshook

WIPS

His

Read it on Ao3

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Mature widower with good home wishes to make acquaintance of a hardworking girl or widow. No children. Object matrimony. When Emma Swan flees scandal in New York to marry a man she’s never met in Storybrooke, Montana, she doesn’t have any illusions of finding love. But when she’s picked up at the station by Killian Jones, it finds her regardless. Despite sharing his home, his bed, and his heart, she can never truly be his.

Rated M.

Not Broken At All

Ao3

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Season 1 Neverland AU. Emma is still trying to adjust to her new life as Sheriff of Storybrooke and mom to Henry, who still believes everyone in town is a fairytale creature. When she finds a badly beaten, one handed man while patrolling, she's convinced he's crazy. he is, after all, rambling about fairies and shadows and crocodiles. But when Henry is suddenly taken by what Emma swears (but can't believe) was a shadow, the madman in the hospital might be her only hope of getting her son back. Whether he likes it or not.

Rated M.

***

Complete:

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(not so) young, drunk and alone

Ao3

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“Swan, it’s me. ‘M so sorry I ‘avnent called for… September, October, Nov… three months. Shit that’s too many months. ‘M sorry but I need your help. The sherrffeff won’t let me leave. He says you have to pick me up - well not you but ‘ynow someone. I don’t know anyone else. Oh! It’s Killian by the way. Killian Jones. I don’t know how many Killians you know but I’m that one. The dickhead who ghosted you. ‘Nway, if you could call me back that would be just - awesome. Yur prolly not gonna call me back. I wouldn’t call me back. ‘Nway… yeah. It’s Killian. Thanks.” 

Rated (light) M

***

Barefoot in the wildest winter

Ao3

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She wasn’t supposed to come back. It had been a stupid plan, thinking she could get in and out of Storybrooke without anyone knowing she was here. Just catch the skip, bring him in and go back to Boston without her brother finding out that she’d lied about not being able to come home for Christmas like she did every year. There’s some kind of cosmic joke being made at her expense. There has to be for this day and this storm to have led her here of all places, on tonight of all nights.The walk to the building feels all too familiar and she struggles to push back the memories of the last time she was here as she works up the nerve to make her way up the stairs, to knock on the door. There’s still time to run. “Swan?” “Hey, Killian.”

Rated M (E?)

Hello, again

Ao3

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Killian never saw a lover more than once, never called a past encounter again after he or she had left, never even got their phone number. He never said hello a second time. All he was every interested in since the loss of his wife was a single night.

Emma had rules. She only ever went to bed with strangers. She didn’t do relationships or friends with benefits or second nights. She’d learned young how dangerous feelings could be.

Neither had ever met another person so clearly uninterested in any kind of romantic relationship as themselves, with so impossible a risk of developing affection. So in the history of attempts at truly casual sex, this might be the first time it could actually work.

A silver!Hook AU

Rated E.

Give me my yesterdays

Ao3

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Neal was a great dad. He took care of her and Henry, he showed up to every track and field race, he was home for every holiday. She wasn’t unhappy. She had her family and her friends. It was fine. It was enough. Until her son went off to college and her husband started working late, and a twenty-something year old moved in next door.

Rated M.

The Dick Pic Debacle

Ao3

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“Alright, what the hell is wrong with you two?” Will finally demanded. “Emma saw my dick and now it’s awkward.” Belle nearly choked on her drink. “She what? How?” “Neal sent her a dick pic. So I sent one back to get him to piss off. Emma found it by accident.”

Rated E.

It Was Only a Kiss

Ao3

Ch  1 2 3 4

Neverland may kill her. If it’s not her fear for Henry, then it will her exhaustion, or her doubt, or the overwhelming despair that she’ll never get out of here alive, that she’ll fail her son, that she’ll fail everyone. There’s only one thing she’s found that can silence it all, that can make her feel real again. She shouldn’t be seeking comfort in Hook. She shouldn’t, but she does. It was only a kiss. That was all it was supposed to be. But now that she’s started, she doesn’t think she can stop. Not now that she knows what it’s like. Canon Divergent. 

Rated E.

She Came from the Water

Ao3

Ch 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 Bonus

Between his dissatisfying job, a constant battle to keep seeing his daughter, and a history of mistakes, losses, and broken dreams, Killian Jones has no place for magic in his life. But when he pulls in his fishing nets one evening only to find a woman caught in them, his life becomes infinitely more complicated. Is she a siren, a selkie, like his daughter believes, or just another lost soul like himself? Suddenly, his life is a thing of fairytales; beautiful women hidden away in cottages, selkie husbands coming back to claim them, and, just maybe, a chance at happily ever after. Ondine AU. 

Rated M.

How long, love, before you go (part 4 of Lover of the Light)

Ao3

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The story Killian and Emma told her parents in part 3, of how they met and fell in love.

This whole chapter is a completely self indulgent piece that nobody asked for but I needed to write...

Rated E

Dare I say forever... (part 3 of Lover of the Light)

Ao3

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He’d turned the tavern upside down trying to find her, had scoured the streets for any sign of her golden hair, of the eyes he’d only just been gazing into. But she was nowhere, and the panic started to settle. No. No, it has to have worked. That was why they found the bloody star in the first place - light magic, no tricks, a wish that would send them both home. But she’s not with him.

The reunion of WishEmma and SilverWishHook after the events of Lover of the Light and Ghosts that we Knew. Also affectionately (and agressively) nicknamed Wish Baby

Rated E

Ghosts That We Knew (part 2 of Lover of the Light)

Ao3

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What happened in Storybrooke during the events of Lover of the Light. Wish Emma had to go somewhere... 

Rated E.

Lover of the Light

Ao3

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After the Evil Queen grants Emma’s wish to never be the Savior, she wakes up in the Enchanted Forest, suddenly the princess she never wanted to be. She wants her real life back, her real family back, and she knows there’s only one person she can count on to help her. A Wish Realm AU.  

Rated E.

Some Cupid Kills with Arrows

Ao3

Ch 1 2 3 4

Emma and Killian hate each other. They have since the night they met. Or at least since the morning after. So Emma is dreading having to deal with them being Maid of Honour and Best Man at her brother’s wedding. But, as their friends grow more and more annoyed at their constant bickering and a masquerade Stag and Doe turns everything on it’s head, the entire bridal party come to a startling realisation: Emma and Killian might just be perfect for each other. With a little scheming and some well-timed chaos, maybe they can stop yelling at each other long enough to realise it too. Much Ado About Nothing AU. 

Rated M. 

There is a Pirate in the Dungeon

Ao3

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There is a pirate in the dungeon. All the serving girls are too afraid to go down the steps and bring him his meal. All but one.

This fic is based on a beautiful little story from The Starless Sea that just screamed of Captain Swan so strongly that I couldn't resist. Rated T.

I Don’t Want to Wait Till Christmas (To Love You)

Ao3

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Emma’s done something stupid. She’s told her mom that she has a boyfriend and has promised to bring him home for Christmas dinner. The problem is she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she hasn’t even had a real date in twelve years. Luckily, her best friend, Killian Jones, is there to help - even if he has to make her online dating profile himself. AU. 

Rated M.

I Know

Ao3

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Inspired by @carpedzem’s beautiful artwork. Emma hasn’t been in many sword fights in her life but she’s won them all. Well, almost all of them. All of them except that one in Neverland with Killian. But she did beat him at Lake Nostos… right? 

Rated T.

Playacting

Ao3

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Emma has finally left her awful boyfriend after nearly a decade. But when he makes her meet him in a bar to pick up the last of her stuff, she risks falling victim to his usual tactics of sending her crawling back to him. Thankfully, the handsome bartender is there to lend a hand. A fake-boyfriend AU. Heavily Anti-Neal so don’t read if that’s not your thing. 

Rated E.

Your Pole or Mine

Ao3

(I can’t find it on tumblr) 

Chapter 1 by @hollyethecurious​ Chapter 2 by me

Killian hadn’t really had a chance to make his neighbor’s acquaintance since he’d moved in a few weeks ago, but he had seen her often enough to know how very much he wished for an introduction. Not just because she was stunningly beautiful with her long blonde hair, bright green eyes, and creamy complexion, but because he felt they likely had quite a bit in common, given the odd hours they both seemed to keep. Her current predicament with her parcel might finally afford him the opportunity to connect with her in a more meaningful way than simple waves and muttered hellos. That is, until said parcel caused him to voice the assumption he’d held about her vocation; that her occupation might be the same as his own. Turns out the late nights, provocative outfits, and arrival of a fitness dance pole did not mean what he thought it did.

“You think I’m a stripper?”

Bloody Hell.

Rated E. 

Scrabble and a Great Many Other Things

Ao3

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Anonymous AU Prompt: Emma pushed Killian away when he confessed his feelings to her. He’s finally returned home, a bit broken by the world. Will she finally have the guts to tell him what she always regretted not saying? 

Rated T.

Seal of Approval

Ao3 

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Prompt: Captain Swan and Snowing go on a double date during the six weeks of quiet in season 4. 

Rated M.

Some Fairytale Bliss

Ao3

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Set during Operation Mongoose: Part 2. Missing scene. Emma decides to teach the shy deckhand a thing or two about swordplay. Fluffy smut. Cannon(ish). 

Rated E.

Of Cars and Bars

Ao3

Ch 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

When Emma Swan is offered the chance to go on tour as an opener for one of the most popular up and coming bands of the decade, the last thing she expects is to find that the lead guitarist is the stranger she had a one night stand with five years ago. Musicians AU. 

Rated E.

Stone Hearts

Ao3

Ch 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Emma should have known. She should have known that they couldn’t just go to the underworld and not suffer any consequences. She should have known they’d bring something back with them. Cannon Divergent after 5x21 Last Rites. No Hyde. No serum. No Evil Queen split. No prophecy. No season 6. 

Rated M. 

Just Human Volume 2

Ao3

Ch 1 2 3 4 5

SEQUEL A continuation of my CSSNS2018 story Just Human. Now that Killian is [redacted for spoilers] and Mary Margaret knows everything, what does life have in store for a group of supernatural misfits? With the threat of Gold gone, Emma learns that sometimes just being human is the most complicated challenge of all. Being Human AU. 

Rated M. 

Just Human

Ao3

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After her death, Emma wakes up in her home, unable to be seen or heard by anyone. She resigns herself to this lifeless existence until one day, two men move into the house she haunts - and somehow, they can see her. A ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf living under one roof, what could possibly go wrong? Being Human AU. 

Rated T.

The Gardener

Ao3

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Emma runs every morning, and the day she runs through the neighborhood where Killian is landscaping turns into something so much more than a daily bit of eye candy. Based on a prompt I can no longer find that was something like “You run by my house every morning and I make sure I’m outside every morning to see you”. Modern AU. 

Rated T.

More

Ao3

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Neverland Smut! Set between 3x07 and 3x08. Emma needs the reminder that Killian is alive and well. The fact that Neal is sleeping six feet away doesn’t matter. Neverland Renaissance. 

Rated E.

Six Weeks

Ao3

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A Daddy!Killian one shot. Emma has been acting weird ever since they brought their daughter home. Not what you think it is. Cannon(ish). 

Rated E.

Check Ups

Ao3

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A series of missing scene from 2x12 “In the Name of the Brother”. Emma keeps checking on Hook in the hospital. She just wants to make sure Gold hasn’t killed him. And that he hasn’t escaped. That’s it. She swears. Cannon Divergent: Missing Scene. 

Rated T.

Pillow Talk

Ao3

Ch 1 2

A post-coital captain swan get talking which leads to some interesting discoveries on both parts. And some challenges. Cannon(ish).

Rated E.

A Woman of Action

Ao3

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Emma may not have been a woman of words but she didn’t need to be – not with him. But she was definitely a woman of action. A little fic about Emma appreciating her man. Cannon(ish). 

Rated E.

[keikigoodbetter]

....howdy, everyone! Looooong time no see 😅😅

I’m sitting in my room right now, waiting as a friend drives over to spend the last few hours of 2022 with me, and I thought I’d try to put down a few of my thoughts as I reflect on the year. It’s been a while since I checked in for real with y’all and for that I am very sorry. (fwiw I dropped contact with quite a few folks irl too, so it wasn’t just you lol)

2022 repeatedly hit my blindside and hit it HARD. I spent a lot of the year in reaction-mode as surprises both good and bad kept coming at me fast; this year had some of the worst lows of my life, but also some of the best highs. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

At the risk of being too personal, here’s an overview of some of My Notable 2022 Moments:

Start the year about 8 months into a really good headspace, to the point where my psychiatrist agrees that if I’m still A-ok by springtime then I can likely step off my antidepressants!!

Help move my Grandma out of her home and into a memory care facility

Have surgery

May 7: Go dancing with friends I haven’t seen in years, to celebrate being alive and together and that I’ve finally finished my degree

May 10: Find out my parents have filed for divorce and will be selling my childhood home, that our family build by hand, by the end of the summer

May 14: GRADUATE COLLEGE!

May 15: One of my best friends goes in for surgery because her pain-management implant is no longer functional. There are complications and she needs 3 more surgeries before the month is over

Return to martial arts after years away

Help babysit the very sweet toddler-age child of someone I went to gradeschool with. (Have an existential breakdown about how old I suddenly am and how unlikely it is at this point that I’ll get to be a mom)

All summer: help clear out my Grandma’s things from her house, move my dad’s things to his new house, move the rest of our family’s things to my mom’s new house, and do repairs and cleaning at our old house

Have to start reminding myself again to get out of bed and eat and not walk into traffic

A best friend flies in from out-of-state to go with me to a disco night

See the Colorado Avalanche Stanley Cup Championship Parade!

Make a great costume and go to the Renaissance Festival in drag

Officially move out of our house; August and September are time soup

A friend from college that I’ve dearly missed moves back to Colorado

SEE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LIVE

My brother gets injured

Our house sells

TWO of my job applications that I was really excited for pan out and I’m asked to interview for both of them. The one I like better calls and offers me the position within 3 days! I’m going to start part-time at the local library in January!!! 😭😆

I spend an amazing afternoon with a friend on a maybe-a-date... 👀

I see many friends and family and have a wonderful holiday season

  ....Realize I might feel ok again soon

 (and, as usual, I also saw a lot of great concerts this year!)

....WHEW. Like I said, it was A Lot All The Time. Sorry to overshare 😅  but I just - idk - I feel like I need to write it down somewhere so there’s a record of all the shit that I experienced in the last 12 months. And I feel like some of you are my legit friends and might care about some of these developments? lol idk 😅 sorry if that’s presumptuous.

Anyways, all this to say that I know I’m not particularly an outlier and that most people have crazy things happen all the time. That’s life! But I hope that if you had a rough year (like me), that things turn around for you soon (also like me?). There is always the promise of something wonderful happening just as much as there is the risk of something terrible; and I think growing up is learning to balance the threat of those two extremes without falling down for too long when a new circumstance hits you.

I grew so much in the last year and for the first time in a long time I’m actually excited about what the future might look like for me! 2023 will be hard and full of new challenges, but I think I’ll be ok. And I think you all will be, too.

💖💖💖

All of my love, forever and ever,

C.

[silverloreley]

Happy holidays 🎄 I hope you're having a good time!

Anyway, let's begin.

For a long time now, I've been struggling with lack of motivation to write while I have inspiration in my head and because of this I got frustrated and ended up having a writer's block (also due to other factors like stress from family distress among other things) and not writing for a long time and now I'm currently beating up myself for it.

Another thing I had trouble is reading. I just read stories anymore, not even my favorite stories. I don't know what to do. Do you have any tips?

Lastly, I'm having trouble coming up with my writing style. So these are the styles that I liked the most:

I'm trying to incorporate these writing styles in my writing but I ......can't.

Okay, there is more than one issue here.

The first thing is that your personal style doesn't come out from imitation, it grows on its own. The more you write, the more you find your own voice, develop ways and phrases of your own, and so on. Imitation isn't a good way to go.

Studying other people's writing shouldn't aim to emulate them, but to figure out how is their voice and find yours in turn. It means you start to see patterns and learn how to build your own, or to recognize the ones you already have and improve them in a way you like.

It seems like you're trying to reach something outside your abilities, or that you perceive as such. The thing is, writing isn't linear for everyone. You have to pull out the ideas from your inspiration, put down in the way you can at the moment and fix them later. For many people, the bigger part of writing is not putting stuff down but expanding and fixing what you have. You are allowed to write a flat dialogue or a simple description at first and add the emotions of the character plus expand the descriptions of actions and places later on, and also enrich the dialogue itself as you go. Not everyone, if anyone, comes up with a perfect final product in just one sitting.

The problem with reading can be for so many things! Because you have too much to think about, or you changed tastes while growing, or you have new needs to explore, or you are simply too tired and need a rest. Until you figure out the reason, I'd say you either re-read something you used to like, or try something new altogether. If nothing works, you give yourself a pause, and then try again. There is nothing wrong with a break, stillness is important too.

I mean, I've been on hiatus for nearly 6 months from my most popular fic, and I have no time and motivation to go on with that right now, so I won't. I can lose readers, sure, and I know the fandom may die out a bit in the meantime, but I need that time off and I took it. No shame whatsoever, it's better to wait until I can work well on it than produce subpar work I will hate and will make me frustrated and hate a story that would feel like a chore. I feel sorry to make people wait, but I’d feel worse giving them a bad piece of writing.

With that I mean that your guilt is wrong. Not only it stresses you out more, but it’s wrong to beat youself over taking what you needed. Real life issues are always more immediate to us, it’s normal. Make peace with that and you’ll find back a bit of your drive and comfort.

[themculibrary]

Fics With Trigger Warnings Masterlist

AKA the Greater New York PTSD Support Group (ao3) - triedunture E, 

Summary: They’ve successfully completed what might be the most dangerous mission in history: the recovery of the Winter Soldier.

Now comes the recovery of Bucky Barnes, which is turning out to be even more difficult.

A story about Bucky coming back to the surface with the help of Steve, Sam, pancakes, video games, the city of New York, assorted Avengers, and beds that–really, let’s be honest here–are too soft to sleep on.

and they called him lemon boy (ao3) - turtle_bean T, 3k

Summary: “Well, my name is James, and I’m a volunteer at the Crisis Line. I’m an MIT graduate, I’m employed in the army, War Machine is my favorite Avenger, and I love pineapple on my pizza. Is there anything else you’d like to know about me?”

Yeah, why does James keep asking questions? Why can’t the man let him die alone?

“Why did I fucking call?” Peter hisses to himself.

–

or, peter calls the crisis line.

Casualty of war (ao3) - wolfypuppypiles M, 22k

Summary: Peter got knocked down in Civil War, but when Tony went to check on the baby Avenger, he realized he was more badly hurt than first realized.

There wasn't meant to be any casualties, but there always is in war.

Contractually Obligated, at Least Out of Uniform (ao3) - snack_size clint/steve E, 57k

Summary: A chance encounter in the SHIELD hallway leads Clint and Steve, post-Avengers, to get to know each other better when everyone else is off having adventures. Things develop slowly, and awkwardly, and probably only thanks to one well timed comment by Tony. From there, Clint and Steve try to navigate a new reality, each other, and their various past traumas.

Holiday Spending (ao3) - isfan bucky/tony T, 70k

Summary: Winteriron collage au w/fake relationship; Tony asks Bucky to be his fake boyfriend, either to shake off some matchmaking friends or to piss off Howard. Turns out Bucky is all Tony ever wanted in a boyfriend. Too bad it’s not real (extra angst if Tony paid for Bucky to act as his boyfriend, now Tony wonders if it was all for the money). Happy ending?

Homefront (ao3) - copperbadge steve/tony E, 12k

Summary: Steve Rogers is a capable leader, a kind and cheerful man, a good friend, a strong role model, and a loyal soldier. He’s also teetering on the edge of suicide.

Left Foot Forward (ao3) - shatteredhourglass bucky/clint M, 22k

Summary: There was an unspoken rule among the Avengers that they didn't talk about Clint's soulmark. They didn't talk about it, they didn't look at it, and they didn't bring it up.

Master of Communication (ao3) - somanyfeels (orphan_account) steve/tony T, 10k

Summary: Tony didn't like being touched, on the rare occasions he wanted physical contact he would initiate it. It was how things were, how it had always been, and he was fine with it. His new team didn't know, they just kept touching and Tony wasn't quite sure how to ask them to stop.

Minefields (ao3) - arianapeterson19 pepper/tony, bucky/steve/tony T, 34k

Summary: Being in an abusive relationship was a bit like needing glasses. He didn’t realize it until the damage was done.

Funny how people assume only men can be abusive.

Mokusatsu (ao3) - shadesfalcon bucky/clint/steve, background sam/natasha E, 125k

Summary: Clint Barton has been strung along from abusive relationship to abusive relationship all his life. Not that he would use the word “abusive”. He would argue that, as a sub, he was born to take whatever it is his dom feels like throwing at him.

But even with that attitude, he’s nervous about his current situation. Trapped in a bureaucratically mandated relationship with not one but two doms is going to be difficult and dangerous. Especially since these two doms are both members of the Avengers themselves.

He hopes that whenever he disappoints them, they’ll have at least a little pity on him, even though he knows he won’t deserve it.

More Than Meets the Eye (ao3) - LokiNeedsHugs1031 loki/tony, steve/bucky E, 249k

Summary: Tony Stark and Loki have known each other long before the attack on New York. Tony is shocked to find that Loki doesn’t remember him at all, that hence the reason Tony being thrown out the window, that is until he’s slammed to the ground by The Hulk. When Tony sneaks a peek at the beginning of interrogations he discovers that the Loki that attacked New York has seemingly woken up from some kind of mind control, and is begging for help.

No Magic Would Save Me (ao3) - arsenicarcher (Arsenic) pepper/tony M, 20k

Summary: Once upon a time, an angel with the unlikely name of Pepper came to the circus, and took Clint away.

peter’s stars (ao3) - IronPengu, parkrstark steve/tony T, 175k

Summary: Steve and Peter lose their apartment and are kicked out on the streets. Steve has to juggle between jobs to earn whatever money he can, take care of his son while resfusing to let him realize how much they’re trouble in, and keep them warm and safe on the city streets in winter.

So, he really doesn’t have time to date the billionaire that flirts with him everyday as he buys his cup of coffee. Even if he did, he can’t let himself fall for the man. Because if he knew that he lived from a backpack and showered in a public bathroom there’s no way he’d still want him…right?

Push (ao3) - phoenixreal steve/tony E, 21k

Summary: Tony Stark was known for pissing people off, it was a given. Then, after the man everyone thought was nothing more than a selfish prick decided to nearly kill himself saving Manhattan from a nuclear bomb, even the most sure of Tony's bastard status had to rethink it. And then, his team who were sure they had him pegged, they were invited (ordered) to move into Stark Tower with him. To their surprise, they found he had furnished full floors for each of them, somehow knowing their tastes exactly, including a floor dedicated to the resident Asgardian who would only be there some of the time. Surprised, and please, they all wonder at the enigma that is their host. After a couple months, Pepper Potts stops coming around so much, and they realize that something has exchanged between them because they are rather professional to each other. Pepper still frets over Tony, but instead tells the others to keep an eye on him rather than doing it herself. They easily forget that Tony is, and always has been, simply a human civilian. Then things get strange when they find themselves locked down within Stark tower, and after a harrowing viewing of a mysterious video, they find their resident playboy is completely gone.

Put Away Childish Things (ao3) - arsenicarcher (Arsenic) ot9 M, 36k

Summary: Tony and Clint are captured by villains who can only get what they want from a child-Tony. So, obviously, they de-age him. Because comics.

Who Saves The Hero (ao3) - CamelotQueen T, 15k

Summary: May brings home her new boyfriend. Something about him makes Peter feel nervous, but he makes May happy. And if May's happy, then Peter is happy.

Then it escalates.

[arthuriangodel]

HEY THERE.

Ha, I’m really not good with these type of things—that’s no slight to you, but I’m a bit out of my element when it comes to surprises. I guess it helps keep our minds off the cold and keeps most of the student body from complaining too much about crowding into Ramshackle.

This is a nice assignment, though. I’m not one of your students, so we’ve only really spoken in passing. You do pretty necessary work, considering some of the student body. I don’t want to speak ill of my peers, especially not to a teacher, but I sometimes start questioning how people will survive once they’re no longer enrolled. It’s a shame the life skills courses tend to be neglected… although I guess I’m not any better, since I haven’t had the need to take any.

I am curious about something, though. I have relatives who are very big into Spelldrive, and I think I’ve heard through the grapevine you used to play? I help out when the inter-dorm tournament comes around, although I can’t say I’m really suited for it. I have fun when we’re trying to do pick-up games in my dorm, though, but I’m not a competitive person so I tend to get left behind. Any tips for this year’s, haha?

Sorry for rambling. I haven’t written a letter in a long time, actually. People do like the handwritten effort, though I’m sorry in advance for making you read my chicken scratch. It’s not pretty, but at least I’ve gotten pretty fast at taking notes.

I hope your day is as well as it can be in the winter time.

SIGNED,

???

Why, hello there, little sprout :)

I surely hope you are faring well; it'd be a bit concerning if you were not. I understand your sentiment with this event, however. I was rather surprised when Crowley told some of us faculty to join in. I decided to join in this exchange in earnest because it is a nice opportunity to meet some new sproutlings like you, pen pal! The day has been faring well, for the conditions it is.

It seems you understand my sentiments, my dear. The first year I've been here, I almost had to do a double take on why a person would not clean off their dishes, only to realize that someone else has been gathering way too much blot for what should be considered a parlor trick in glamour magic. My little class may not be the most exciting for everyone, but there is much to be learned, whether one thinks that they may or may not need it. Your penmanship, for example, leaves a lot of to be desired, yes, but I see potential in you yet. For one, it is legible. And for taking notes, it's very effective as is. Calligraphy talents would come soon enough.

Also, yes! I have used to be in Spelldrive as a striker for NRU, those were the glory days. Back then, I went by the title "Spellthorn" as I had a youthful appearance in my youth, but my striking abilities were exemplary. However, things happened and now I don't really participate in Spelldrive tournaments, though I make it a habit to always watch the games live or on TV, whichever is easier. I can't exactly say what this year will hold, but a universal tip that always seemed to be overlooked is to always stretch your legs before flying and to develop your core muscles if you work out outside of flight class. This will make sure you can stay on the broom for longer, especially when you do those hard corkscrews. If you're not as athletic, then stretching and minding your posture will help wonders for flying in general. After all, the person needs as much maintenance as the broom does. I would ask which dorm you are from to see your Spelldrive practices, but that would be revealing the surprise too early, and surprise letters like this should be cherished.

Ah, it seems I have also rambled quite a bit and in my teacher voice nonetheless, do forgive me. Hopefully I didn't bore you with this letter. I look forward to writing more letters with you, and if you have any more questions or wish to confide in something, don't hesitate to ask!

As for you, how about you tell me more about yourself? Anything holiday traditions that you enjoy?

Your wonderous professor,

Godel

[moon-on-a-golden-thread]

hey so this will probably be really really long because idk i feel like you're one of the very few people who will approach this with kindness if you choose to answer (you don't have to tho cause it's gonna be long and probably a lot to process lol). i just want to get your opinion on it cause i feel so misunderstood by everyone i bring this up to.

so i'm pretty sure i'm bisexual, but i was raised extremely christian, like, very very strictly christian. none of my family members know about me identifying as lgbtq because i know it would cause chaos in the family. i would be seen as evil and disgusting and a mistake. my mum has said before that she would make sure an exorcism is performed on her child if she found out they're lgbtq. she's said she believes gay people are: "a sign of the apocalypse", "disgusting and creepy", "puppets of satan" etc. and that all they do is "fxck in the bushes", push their agenda on others, and are pedophiles.

on the other hand all my friends are atheists and lgbtq / supportive of lgbtq people. i don't really seek them out as friends, it just so happens that all my life i've attended schools with such virtues, so naturally those are the types of people i meet there. they know about me being bi and i've told them about this internal conflict between me being bi and my religion. none of them understand me and basically insult the church to make me feel better about my identity, which obviously doesn't work. they say things about christians that they're just heartless, dumb, etc etc. and that i shouldn't even think about it.

around 4 years ago i started developing an eating disorder and really intense depression. up until then i attended church every sunday and on holidays, and prayed every evening. when i felt the loneliness and pain of these illnesses i prayed and prayed for help and any kind of comfort, but it just kept getting worse and worse until i felt like i was dying every single day, and god was simply watching me suffer. so eventually i stopped attending church and praying altogether, and i hate to admit but i was angry at god for seemingly just leaving me to my suffering. anyway so that's where i am now. my ed and depression are a little better, but at this point i haven't been to church in a few years. last time i prayed was when my mom was seconds away from death. then i felt like i was coming back to my faith and that god was there with me. that feeling went away when my mom made a miraculous recovery. i tried praying again but the connection was gone. for context later: during that time when my mom was finally sent to hospital she texted me about a vision (?) she had and told me that prayer always works. this is roughly what she messaged me (translated):

"the door to my room opened and i felt that someone was standing in the hallway but i couldn't see anyone. after about 30 minutes, i heard a deep sigh, like i sometimes do when i pray, and i felt that this very good presence was leaving my room. then i felt in my heart that all would be well. it was such a beautiful feeling, i think it could have been the virgin mary."

this was after around 2.5 weeks of me praying basically nonstop after like 2 years of no prayer at all. i feel like it could have been because of how much faith i had that god would help my mom, but she was also unconscious 90% of the time and was having really intense symptoms so i also feel like she could have imagined it? i honestly have no idea.

(i hope ur still with me and this isn't confusing, i'm so sorry lol). anyway somewhere along this timeline between me developing an ed and depression, and when i stopped practicing religion, i decided i wanted to have my first communion. it was like my last straw of trying to hold onto my relationship with god. for context, i was 13 then and the reason i didn't receive my first communion at around 8 when most children do is because my dad doesn't practice religion and he wanted me to be sure of my decision. i begged and cried and begged even more to have it, but he decided that i shouldn't, and my mom went with his decision. i then begged my mom to let me do it in secret, but she said that it was my father's decision and she doesn't want to disobey him. if you're wondering why my mom, as a strict christian, married a man who doesn't practice religion: long story short he kinda lied to her that he's christian so she'd marry him. and obviously they're never going to divorce because they had the whole church wedding thing etc.

later on my mum tried to backtrack and tell me i was right and we should do the communion, but at that point i had already given up on christianity so i said no. to this day she says it's her life's greatest mistake and she would give everything to turn back time and admit that i was right, and that nothing on earth matters more than raising me as a christian, and she failed.

so here's the deal: there's still a part of me that believes in god and christianity, but i feel unwanted by religion and by him. i don't understand how my mom's holy goal in life is to raise me christian so i can have a good afterlife, but she doesn't want to tangibly explain to me why being lgbtq is bad. she always claims that she loves everyone and accepts them, but then goes on saying these hurtful things about people, who in my opinion, aren't hurting anybody. she says that as a christian she hates nobody, but the way she speaks about lgbtq people says otherwise. she's denying hating them simply because she will say it in so many ways except "i hate them". she doesn't want to create a safe space for me to at least talk about myself so we can solve the "problem" of me being bi. i know that even if i told her with the intention of getting closer to god, all hell would break loose and she'd resent me. why does she want to raise me christian so bad but she puts in so much effort to make sure i know god sees me as disgusting? and no effort for me to understand why or to even talk to me about it?

also she keeps talking about how god speaks to her (the hospital incident, but she also claims there have been other times), but i feel so left out if he's supposed to be my father and love me so much but he will only talk to the "perfect" child (my mom). or like idk my mom will say that it's because i'm not listening, but parents don't just give up on raising their child when they lock themselves in their room, right? i know it's not the "right christian way" to think, but like maybe if he does exist i want to be shown that he cares even if i push him away. if she claims he speaks to her then why won't he speak to me? if he can see i'm in pain and i don't understand and he's supposed to be a parent...

like i know technically i'm supposed to believe in him no matter what and i'm the one who's supposed to like "follow his path", but like a parent doesn't just leave their child in the dark when they stop listening. a parent is supposed to do anything for their child and if he's capable of everything imaginable and more then i'm sure he can just idk show me that he's still there in a way i can understand. and that's kind of why i feel guilty because i know i'm supposed to believe in him no matter what, but if he's been made out to be my parent all my life and i feel like he's just watching me want to hurt and kill myself he's either evil or doesn't exist because what parent does that?

i'm really sorry cause i know this concept is probably just dumb, it's just really lonely when you have nobody to talk to about this because one side will think you're dumb or insane and the other side will think you're evil. and the person who's supposed to know all the answers won't even show you they exist. also if my mom's ultimate goal is to raise me christian i don't understand why she won't calmly speak to me about this and try to understand me. she just gets really angry and says i'm indoctrinated when i even suggest that lgbtq isn't evil.

i'd pray even just for the comfort it used to give me but if i've been lead to believe that god thinks i'm disgusting and he's ignoring me then why should i even try? or i'd actually talk to some kind of christian scholar or something to see if it gave me any peace of mind but i hate the way the best answer i'll get from someone catholic in my country when i ask about lgbtq is "god loves them because they're human". i don't want to talk to someone who believes the highest acknowledgement i'll ever deserve is that i'm human. i want to believe and come back to my faith but i feel unwanted and ridiculed.

i'm sorry this is literally the length of a whole book, but i feel like i have nobody to talk to about this cause none of my friends were raised extremely strictly and none of my family believes lgbt is okay, so i just feel really lonely in the middle and i sound insane to both sides. i know this literally isn't your issue to deal with and it's probably a lot to read this whole thing, so if you even finished it i'm so thankful anyway. i'd love to hear what you think because you just seem so compassionate but please don't feel pressured to answer. it's not your issue to deal with lol. i just want to thank you that you deal with such difficult issues with compassion, regardless of if you agree with the person on the other side. i wish you all the best :)

Sorry I didn’t reply for so long! I just moved out on my own for the first time, and I was working full time (at a new job) on top of finishing college all at once! It was a whirlwind, these past few weeks. But I finished school on Monday, and have begun to settle in and enjoy this new freedom. Anyway, enough about me. Let’s get to it. To make sure that I give thoughtful comments (answers?) to your thoughts, I’m responding with bullet points for each paragraph. It might take me an evening or two because I want to give good responses are currently it’s 11:27pm and I am not a night owl by any stretch. (But it’s Friday, so who cares? Haha). (Spoiler: it took me all weekend to write this lol)

I am so honoured that you chose me to respond to this, seriously. I feel like I’m barely active on here, and I rarely get kind, thoughtful asks, so it can be discouraging at times. The fact that you’ve noticed my (good) behaviour online, and it made you think of me in this distressing time is so humbling. It’s corny but, Praise the Lord!  

About what your mom said to you, that is not ok. Firstly, it isn’t true Biblically. Second, it isn’t helpful. Homosexuality isn’t a sign of the apocalypse. It is a sexual sin that is mentioned in Genesis (Sodom and Gomorrah, classic), Leviticus, and in the New Testament (I’ll get to that at the end). Sin will increase towards the End Times, but all sin, as I understand it (and every Christian I know) will increase (Matthew 24:37-39). I don’t know what to say about that next comment, it’s so subjective. If you know me, you know that I believe homosexuality is a sin. But to say an entire group (is it a group?) is disgusting and creepy is not helpful. Some people are creepy, yes. Drag queens, for example, make me uncomfortable, but blasting this opinion isn’t helpful. It strikes me as an immature argument, to be honest. Puppets of satan? Well, I think that there are demonic links (1 Corinthians 10:21, I can explain more in a future post) But puppets? No…. That’s not it. I am a hardcore, reformed Christian, and even I disagree with that phrasing. It’s too much of a blanket statement. As to that last comment, it feels immature and odd. Scripture plainly explains this subject, with harsh enough phrasing that we don’t need to resort to worldly insults.  

Hmmm. That’s a really, really difficult place to dwell in. I pray that you will find God-fearing friends. I know that sounds like a lazy answer, but I will pray, I promise. The world (that is, atheists) seeks after temporary pleasures. Things that make them happy in the moment. “Do what makes you happy,” “It’s true for me,” “It makes me feel good,” etc. As a devout Christian, I give up my will to God daily. I have my own struggles in this area that may be comforting to you, (maybe), but I don’t have the space to share them at this time. Basically, I have this aching longing in my heart for something, but God has not given it to me. I’ve been seriously struggling with it for the past five years. Each day, I must hand my will for my life over to God. It’s hard. It goes against the world. And it makes me feel like a stranger, because my beliefs are so different. It is so, so easy to get wrapped up in the world and ‘give in’ to your desires. I can’t imagine how hard that must be, especially in this season of life where you are distant from God (or at least feeling that way). I pray that you will meet people who will be positive influences for you.  

I was stuck in toxic and abusive friendships (can friendships be abusive? Idk, but that’s the easiest way to describe it) for all of middle school. As a result, I developed depression, anxiety, and insomnia that lasted from grade five till now. (It has been so much better, praise the Lord! But it’s a daily battle, and it’s hard, I won’t lie). During that time, I was so alone, and cried all the time. I prayed for a friend, and I prayed for an escape from school (I ended up being homeschooled for high school, and could talk your ear off about how much that changed me). Guess what? I never got this feeling of supernatural peace, or got a miracle. I prayed, and (seemingly) nothing happened. I don’t want to dishearten you, but something I have had to impress upon myself is that “His ways are higher than mine.” My heart absolutely breaks for what you went through, it really does. I don’t want to sound careless, because I’m not, but one thing I’ve done that has changed me is spending time in the Scriptures. I believe God speaks to us through His Word (2 Timothy 3:16-17). Just the other day, I was reciting the Psalms (I love the Psalms, man), and I noticed the last section of the verse I was memorizing “The Lord will fulfill His purpose in me.” (Psalm 137:8a). It spoke exactly to what I was (and am) struggling with, and I had never noticed it until at that moment. I don’t know. It’s just something I think about. This whole topic could take hours to write on, and I really want to stay on topic.  

The devil doesn’t want you drawing near to God, and will do anything he can to distract you and try to get you to turn away from Him. “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8). 

I don’t know what to say about the ‘vision.’ I haven't decided what my beliefs are on this type of thing, I really don’t know. I don’t know if anything I say on the subject would be relevant or helpful, so I’ll move on.  

It isn’t okay, that your parents prevented you from taking communion. For a lovely passage about communion, read 2 Corinthians 11. I don’t think I would advise taking communion for the reasons you described. As much as I resonate and sympathize with you and your struggles, it isn’t what communion would fix. If your earnest desire is to have a relationship with God, pray. Read His word. Pour out your heart to him. Recite the psalms. (Many of David’s psalms are him crying out to God in anguish, and they are so beautiful). This is what I do to grow closer, and I earnestly encourage you to try it.  

Okay, this response is getting super long and I don’t want to bore you or anything so I’m going to respond to everything else at once: 

I care about you too much to sugar coat this or twist Scripture. What I care about is you and your place with God, so I’m going to step back and let Scripture do the talking: “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). 

There are other passages I could list, too. But just listen to how beautiful this is! “And such were some of you.” AND SUCH WERE SOME OF YOU. There were people in the time of the apostles struggling with the same thing you are going through. None of the sins Paul addresses are sins you can just ‘turn off.’ It’s a daily battle. To be at war with your fleshly desires, taking up your cross and following Christ. That’s what people have done for thousands of years, and will continue to do until Christ’s return. For now, God calls all of us to turn from our sin and come to Him. Listen to what comes next: after these people turned from their sin, they were JUSTIFIED IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST. They were sanctified. Someone in that crowd of people, listening to this letter being read out loud 2,000 years ago, was struggling with the same thing you were. He/she rejected the world and submitted to God, and the Lord justified them, and they were sanctified. That opportunity is before you, right now. Wherever you are, reading this obnoxiously long blog post. You can repent and submit to Christ, lay this heavy burden at His feet and lean on Him. It won’t go away easily, the desires and temptations, and satan will do anything he can to prevent you from trusting in God. But you aren’t alone. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2). Please, come to Christ. He is waiting.  

If you ever want to (and absolutely no pressure whatsoever). You can message me, and I’ll give you my email if you want to chat further. I’d love that, but the last thing I want to do is make you creeped out, lol. I honestly want to walk alongside you in this time, and offer what advice I can. I’m praying for you, babe.  

[aitian]

Mon 01/29/24 1:57am

it's been more than a year. damn. couldn't write all year bc i have been so ashamed & traumatized.

back in school for electrical engineering & honestly i hate it. at least im (slowly) learning some useful things from within the massive amounts of bullshit. when does this end...

if i could have seen into the future, i would be so ashamed & sad to know what im doing now. maybe i wouldn't have made it to today. maybe i would have just done better. what a mess.

it's a bit painful to relive but here are the facts:

terrible teaching job. rude, dirty, sick. kids were funny. one kid won the spelling bee (we would practice together in the hall) & told me she wanted to be an artist. one kid never talked & had bad spoken english but wrote a rly good reflection essay abt boarding schools & american education (postscript "im hungry"). one kid told me stories abt learning to drive a motorcycle with his dad in DR & bragged to all the other kids that i was a great help for his high school application. that is all.

went to taiwan w the roomies. it was ok. really beautiful, wish i saw more of the mountains & oceans

terrible nonprofit job. abusive, useless, malicious. spent a lot of time studying soc*alism w chinese ch@racteristics & material origins of class society. honestly developed some optimism for human progress. fired for working too many hours & representing the org extremely well on a panel where the other panelists and audience really lifted up my perspective. everyone respected my work except the narcissist clowns. i met a nice friend named alan. that is all.

went to china, & felt saved & relieved to see people standing up. this time there was much less air pollution, especially near the coastal cities. luoyang had a bit more, but the city was a giant network of parks. i counted five rows of trees on each side of the streets. my uncles are so smart with critical analysis of history, human progress, world politics, and local affairs. sigh... feels bad to be treated like a dog in this backward country. i realized that i need training that prepares me for the realities of this strange world.

applied to school for electrical engineering. studied python & calculus in the meantime-- & thank god i did... i honestly felt good abt the decision, knowing that i need to develop myself if i want to survive in this world.. & i have reasons or energy to do it instead of waiting for death. is that the end of depression?

hung out w adele, erica, & tracy a bit bc they were all in town for the holidays. i missed my friends. they were rly nice to me.

started school in january. it fucking sucks. ppl r so stupid & rude. ridiculous. im tired & angry every day. i am running a huge marathon full of sloppy, impossible problems that take hours longer than they should. overworked & mad every day.

some reflections i guess..

emmy has been really hands-off with my life. idk if they dont have ideas or dont want to step in, or they r just observing what happens. idk. i dont feel like emmy approves or disapproves of anything. maybe relieved when i escape the shitholes i dug myself into. i hope emmy can help me become someone i feel proud of. i helped emmy apply to masters programs but idk if its the right step for emmy, & they dont have strong reasons honestly. they got accepted by the committee a few days ago. sigh.. i desperately want emmy to have my back.

im back to being so depressed. unsure abt what im doing, feeling doomy abt past present & future. will things get better? im in trouble if i need to tell myself that to cope w the present. im stronger than i was before, i think....

hang in there, love.