#i just feel very good. i feel like this should've happened ages ago.

[jacaeryslover]

the betrothal, a jacaerys velaryon one-shot.

summary: reader father (stark) accepts to make the betrothal between jace & reader official, jace misunderstands. angst (not really) & fluff!

Back in the old days, when you and Jacaerys were still little kids, Princess Rhaenyra proposed a betrothal between you two, having a Targaryen & Stark union would benefit the realm once she became Queen.

But your father denied it, you were both kids, so he told the Targaryen Princess to wait for them to grow to make it official. Both of you knew back then, the Queen spoke about it with Jacaerys, and he decided you deserved to know who you were going to marry.

—Hello, princess— You hear a shy voice coming from the back, it has to be one of the Velaryon boys, you thought, none of Queen Alicent's sons would speak so softly to a Northerner.

You were right, Jacaerys Velaryon was standing behind you, Princess Rhaenyra's oldest son and the next heir to The Iron Throne. You found a very good friend in him the weekends you stayed in King's Landing. The Velaryon boys felt like a breath of fresh air in these foreign and tense lands.

—Hello, my prince. Is everything alright?—Her voice was soothing, comforting, even for her age. Jacaerys thought he could listen her talk for hours. —Yeah princess, I'm quite alright. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about our betrothal.

—Our betrothal?— She asked, clearly confused. Maybe he should've said it differently.

—Yes, my mother talked about it with your father, he said he would agreed once we were of age. I'm sorry if you didn't want this. But I promise you I will take care of you, and you will be my one and only Queen.

Jacaerys was kind, and she knew that. None of the boys in King´s Landing were as nice as him and his little brother, so the thought of marrying him instead of Aemond sounded amazing. Besides, she knew her dad would never allow her only daughter to marry a monster.

—I have to say I did not expected this, nevertheless, my feelings for you are not those of hate, I will be the luckiest girl if I get to marry you in the future, my prince.

Jacaerys could not be happier, hearing those words from the girl he liked so much made him feel sick to his stomach, a feeling he did not hate at all, so he said the words he´d been keeping the last few weekends.

—Since this moment, I am loyal to you, with heart, body & soul, I am solemnly yours.

He knew she had to leave King´s Landing tomorrow, he didn´t want this, he wanted her to stay. But she also had dutties as Princess in Winterfell. So he waited, he waited days, weeks, months, years.

°°°

—Jace, did you hear about it? Your little wolf's father finally agreed to a betrothal.

His pacific temple crumbled, you didn't mention anything about betrothal proposals in your letters. But your father just accepted to marry you to someone that isn't him, he couldn't allow that. Not when he spend all of his life loving you.

—Are you sure?— He asked Aegon, he was known for being constantly drunk, so he wasn't a reliable source of information, and he wasn't the nicest person, so he could easily be just annoying him.

—Yeah, pretty sure I heard father talking about it, I guess you weren't the best option after all.

Maybe he was right, he wasn't good enough, maybe he heard the whispers, the whispers about his birth. He had to do something, he would fight for her once she arrives to King's Landing.

Later that day, she's finally here, in the same room with him, so he talks first.—Is it true? That your father accepted a betrothal?— His face clearly tensed, he felt like he was being stabbed in the chest, directly in the heart, waiting for your answer was agony.

—Yeah, he did. He made it official a day ago. I thought you knew.—

—How could I know? You didn't mentioned it in your letters, I don't know what happens in Winterfell. Tell me honestly, was it because of me? Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Is it because i'm a bastard?

—Jacaerys!—She would rarely use his full name, she was mad, or hurt, Jace could not read her right now, he's full with his emotions already.—Don't ever say that again. None of this is your fault. My father made official our betrothal.—Jace could feel her hands caressing his cheeks, he could feel her trying to make him feel better. He was hurt, but he already felt better, how could he forgot that their betrothal was not official yet? He was blind with his loyalness.

—You should´ve known that I wouldn´t agree to marry someone that it isn´t you. You are my only love. I sweared loyalty to you when I was a child and I did not regretted my decision a single time.

The wedding was set in 3 weeks.

She was the most beautiful woman he ever laid his eyes on, she walked to him by her fathers arm. Her dress had beautiful embroidery in honor to her house, but he couldnt wait for her to use the Targaryen colors instead.

—With this kiss, I pledge my love—.

[straightupsickfics]

love is embarrassing

sicktember prompt #28: "I should've stayed home" inspired by this post

ed/stede | modern au |4.5k words in which stede drags himself to a first date, get stood up, and meets the very hot, very nice bartender who turns the night around <3

****

Normally, Stede relishes having an excuse to pull together an outfit, to explore his favorite pieces in his walk-in closet, and make something new to wear. 

Today, however, is a rare exception. Stede can hardly bring himself to get up and off the couch, let alone muster the brain power it’s going to take to organize an ensemble, even if it is for a date he has rather been looking forward to all week. 

Well, looking forward to it with a little bit of anxious dread mixed in, something he can never seem to shake when it comes to romance. It’s not like he thought it’d be easy, leaving his wife of fifteen years, letting his children down gently, and starting over completely at the age of forty-five, but he hadn’t really stopped to consider how lonely it would be, either. 

And now, to top it all off, Stede had managed to pick up a truly terrible cold over the last few days. Today it seems to have settled in, made itself at home in his head and sinuses, leaving him exhausted, his eyes and nose streaming in almost equal measure as he works his way through recurring fits of ticklish, damp sneezes. 

He should stay home tonight, he knows this. Instead though, Stede has been hydrating, alternating between water and strong, black tea, and downing cold medicine all day in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, his date, David wouldn’t notice. 

Sighing, Stede picks up his phone and finds a text from Lucius waiting for him. 

Lucius: Hello? What, no panicked photos of the outfit? No “what if” date scenarios for me to puzzle through over brunch? Do you hate me?? 

Stede: I don’t do that

Lucius: 🤣 good one

Stede: 😶‍🌫️

Lucius: I’m kidding, you know I live for this, I’m AMAZING at pre-date planning

Stede: The advantages of being young and in love, I suppose… 

Lucius: Oh, god, you’re not getting maudlin even before you go, right? It’s going to be fine, you’re going to put together a ridiculous (but slay) outfit, and he’s going to eat it up. Now, what are we wearing?

Stede looks at the blue sweatpants he would never leave the house in, the t-shirt that should have gone to the Goodwill years ago, and sighs again. He really should have started hours ago. 

Stede: Can I FaceTime you?

Lucius: YES

“Hh! hdt-NGXT! Huh’ushhIEW! Ngh…” Stede tries and fails to smother the sneeze against his fist while he sifts through his options, a teal silk shirt, a lavender sweater, and a bright, mustard yellow button down all wait for him on the bed, and he watches as Lucius winces. 

“Um, bless you? Are you sure you’re not getting sick? Because frankly that was pretty gross and sounded like it probably hurt.” 

“It did, but I’mb finde…” Stede huffs, snuffling discreetly into a handful of tissues. 

“Mm, too many letters in almost all of those words, babe,” Lucius says, wrinkling his nose. “Maybe the outfit you should actually be wearing is one of those hazmat suits.”

Stede pitches the tissues into the trash can and glares at his phone. “I thought you were going to help. This isn’t helping.” 

Lucius arches an eyebrow and rolls his eyes. “Sir, yes sir. I’d go with the lavender. Looks nice with your hair. And you’re a bit pale for the others at present.” 

He’s right, Stede knows, and he is grateful for the help, lucky to have had a work friend turn into a real friend over the last few years, especially as his divorce from Mary was happening, but Lucius had no filter, which was a blessing and a curse most days. 

“Thanks, Lucius,” Stede says now. “I think you’re right, we’ll go with the lavender.” He does love the teal, has worn it on first dates in the past, but tonight it would only serve to draw attention to how completely worn out and pale he looks and feels, and he doesn’t want to deal with that.

Lucius gives him a mock salute in reply, and they chat for a few more minutes before Lucius has to go, warning Stede again to stay home if he was really feeling bad. 

He falters for just a minute. His bed, even covered in clothes (and, okay, tissues) looks so inviting, a part of him wants nothing more than to climb right into it. But he has been looking forward to this, and David had already rescheduled twice.

So, Stede, stubborn as he is, waves Lucius off and sets about the long process of getting dressed, doing his hair, and carefully applying just a little concealer around the red-tinged parts of his nose. This takes the most time, as he finds himself applying and reapplying said concealer every time he has to stop to sneeze or blow his nose, which is far more often than he’d like. 

When he’s finally ready, Stede takes another dose of cold medicine, shoves some cough drops into his pockets along with a travel packet of tissues, and sets out for his date. He’s texting that he’s on his way when he nearly drops his phone as a sneeze (or three) sneaks up on him. 

“hH’UtsshH! Oh ndo… Huh’iiEEshh’uh! Huh-Ngtshh!”

It takes Stede another minute to compose himself, sniffling a good few times into the cuff of his jacket and sighing before he’s in his car and actually on his way to the restaurant, something called Blackbeard’s Bar and Grill that David had picked. 

It was going to be a very long night. 

*

Blackbeard’s Bar and Grill is so far up Stede’s alley he can’t believe he’s never been before now. It’s dark inside, and there’s an understated pirate theme throughout it. Not just a pirate flag and eyepatches, though. There’s an attention to detail there, a clear (to Stede) commitment to historical accuracy that he loves immediately. 

Stede loves piracy, the whole idea of it. People running away to the sea, abandoning whatever haunted them on land, finding a new group of people to belong to…It sounds amazing, sometimes. It might not be — no, it definitely wasn’t—as romantic as Stede makes it out to be in his head, of course; piracy was brutal at the end of the day, but there’s something about it that Stede’s always found fascinating. 

Running away to the sea is certainly something he’d thought about as he first started to come to terms with his sexuality, and the accompanying realization that he’d have to, eventually, tell Mary, therefore upending his entire life. 

Stede has to blink himself back to the present, appreciating the delicate maps along the walls, the artwork of ships and shorelines along the walls, and of course, Blackbeard’s Jolly Roger flag hanging right by the bar. 

He has to do a double take though, looking at the bar, because standing in front of the Jolly Roger is the bartender, who is quite possibly one of the best looking men Stede’s ever seen. He’s laughing at something a customer is saying in front of him, working a cocktail shaker with one heavily tattooed arm (was that a snake?) and setting out a glass with the other hand. His hair is a mix of black and gray, tied up in a half up half down ponytail, and Stede can’t bring himself to look away. 

The drink gets poured, the man turns away to offer more rounds to other patrons, and Stede, eventually, realizes he’s been sitting at the table for over a half an hour with no sign of David. He frowns, picking up his phone, but there’s nothing there. 

Stede: I’m here! Got us a table towards the back.

There’s no reply. 

Twenty more minutes go by, and still, nothing. 

Stede: He’s late

Lucius: Uh oh…

Stede: You don’t think. I mean. He’s coming, right? Just late…?

Lucius: Definitely. Traffic, probably! Btw how are you feeling? 

Stede: Not the best, I’m afraid 

Lucius: :( Hydrate while you wait!!

He’s right, and Stede takes a careful sip of his water. His throat hadn’t been too bad this afternoon, and he’s hoping it stays that way. 

The waitress comes by just then, asking if she can bring anything for him to drink, get him started with any appetizers. He shakes his head, murmuring that he’s just waiting for someone, they’d order when he arrives, and she nods with a smile and walks away. 

It’s not long after that that Stede gives in and checks his phone again. Still no reply. His stomach twists. 

He can’t be getting stood up, tonight of all nights, when he wanted nothing more than to stay home in the first place. Right? 

His nose gives a twinge just then, and Stede fumbles for the packet of tissues he has in his pocket, just bringing them to his nose and mouth as he sneezes four times in quick succession, his eyes and nose streaming by the end of the fit, the sneezes stronger and wetter than they’d been earlier, making them entirely impossible to hold back. 

“hh’uHTSH! Snf! H-hh’uHTSHH! uuhh’TSH! huh’Eeiishh!” The tissues are useless by the end, too, and Stede drags himself to the bathroom to blow his nose in peace, splashing some water on his face for good measure. 

He looks in the mirror, blinking a few times and trying to bring some life back into his face, but there’s no hope, it seems. 

David had been right to stand him up, Stede thinks. He’s a mess. 

Stede: I don’t think he’s coming, I’m afraid :( 

Lucius: Nooo, I’m so sorry. Seriously. Do you want to come over? I won’t even complain about the germs. 

Stede: Thank you, but I’m alright. Think I’ll give it a bit longer, sit at the bar instead of taking over a table, and then head out. 

Lucius: <3 Call me in the morning! 

*

“What can I get you, mate?” The tattooed bartender asks when Stede sits down at the bar. 

“Oh, umb… J-just..huh!’ISH! Sorry, just a glass of Chardonnay?” Wine is probably definitely not a good idea tonight, Stede knows, but he feels like wallowing a little before going home. 

“Sure thing, here you go.” The bartender sets the drink down and gives Stede a small, friendly smile. He really is beautiful. 

“Thanks,” Stede says with a sigh. He looks at the glass and any desire to drink it vanishes. He just feels bad, tired and congested and achy all over. 

“Uh oh, that’s a big sigh for a Saturday night,” the bartender says. The bar is currently empty aside from Stede and a woman sitting at the opposite end, and Stede looks at the man with his dark, kind eyes, and it all comes pouring out. 

“I think I’m being stood up,” Stede confesses. “He rescheduled two times before this, which should’ve been a sign, I guess, but I thought we’d hit it off, texting and all that…” 

“Damn, hate that. Just say you’re not feeling it, yeah? Why make someone feel like shit? S’why I don’t date so much anymore, myself.” 

“You might be onto something there. Maybe I should get cats,” Stede says, sighing again. 

At this, the bartender lights up. “Cats are the best. Love cats. Here, look…” He fishes his phone out of his back pocket and holds it out to Stede. On the lockscreen is a black cat with white feet, curled up on what has to be the bartender’s chest. In the picture, he’s wearing a shirt with a purple octopus on it, his hair down around his shoulders, his face cut off aside from a small smile. 

It’s adorable. 

“That’s Frank,” the bartender says. “Well, Frankfurter, one of his many names.” 

Stede laughs, which turns abruptly into a coughing fit that lasts long enough for the bartender to grab a glass of ice water and place it in front of him. 

“That doesn’t sound great,” he says as Stede takes a sip. 

“Sorry about that. I probably should’ve stayed home,” Stede admits. “Thought I could power through for this date. Though if I’d had the sense to cancel I wouldn’t have been stood up.” 

The man shakes his head. “S’all good. Kind of saw you sitting over there for a while, I wondered why someone like you’d be sitting alone for so long.” 

Stede feels his face flush. Someone like him. What did that mean? 

“In a good way,” the bartender clarifies. “I’m Ed,” he says. 

“Ah. Stede. I’d shake your hand but…” 

Ed smiles, holds up his hand and gives Stede a little air high-five. “There we go.” 

Stede can’t help but smile back, genuinely, for the first time all night. 

They sit there for a while, too long, probably, given how bad Stede feels, but Ed’s so nice, and really very funny, telling stories about the people he gets at the bar, about Frank, about his obsession with the ocean and pirate history. 

“I love pirates,” Stede tells him excitedly. “I actually can’t believe I hadn’t been here before. You must’ve been thrilled to get a job here, then,” he adds.

Ed’s eyebrows lift for a split second, but then he’s nodding. “Yeah, love it,” he says. 

Just then, a shorter, dark-haired man appears from the back, shooting a glowering look at Ed. “If there’s not enough customers, you could always come back and help with the order for next week, Edward,” he says. “Or are you too busy chatting up your guests?” 

Ed frowns, his entire face changing as he turns to reply. “Fuck off, would you Izzy? It’ll all get done, thanks.” 

The man gives a long-suffering sigh and turns, disappearing around a corner, gone as fast as he came.

“Was that… y’know, Blackbeard?” Stede asks, voice low. 

Ed pauses again, then shakes his head. “Mm? No, I’m Blackbeard,” he says with a smile and a gesture to his face. “More scruff than beard these days, though,” he adds. 

“Oh! You… Blackbeard’s is yours?” 

“Yep! That was Izzy, my so-called right hand man. He’s gotten a little too comfortable running the show since he knows I prefer stuff like this,” Ed says, gesturing to the bar. “Just talking to people, you know?” 

Stede nods. “You can tell you really love the place,” he tells him. “Thought so as soon as I came in.” 

Ed smiles, and it’s amazing, really, the way his face lights up at the compliment. “Thanks, man, yeah, Iz thought I spent too much on the decor, but how often do you open the place of your dreams? Really just went for it.” 

“It’s perfect,” Stede agrees.

A comfortable lull falls over their conversation, and Stede takes another small sip of his wine for something to do. He must make a face, though, because Ed’s shaking his head when he looks back up. 

“Think what you should do is let me make you some tea, if you’re staying,” he says. 

“Oh, no, you don’t have to do all that. I really should be—” 

“—Would be nice if you stayed,” Ed finishes. 

Oh. 

“Well, if you don’t mind all this,” Stede says, gesturing to his face. He can’t imagine he looks any worse than he had earlier in the bathroom, but he can’t be making a good first impression, either. 

“Nah, you’re good. Most interesting person to come in here in…forever,” Ed says. “Be right back,” he promises, disappearing into what must be the kitchen and coming back a few minutes later, with the promised mug of steaming water and a selection of tea bags for Stede. 

He’s touched. Sure, Ed owns the place, but still, he didn’t have to go out of his way to make Stede tea for his stupid cold. 

The mug has the Blackbeard’s Bar and Grill logo on it, emblazoned across a pirate flag, and the warmth of it warms Stede right through immediately. 

“Mint sounds nice,” he says, grabbing it and letting it steep. He makes the mistake of lifting the mug to his face, the steam immediately shaking something loose in his sinuses, and ends up sneezing another good few times in a row. 

“hd’ISCHuh! Eh’sschIEW! ii’Tiishh’uh! SNF!” Stede takes two more tissues from the pack in his pocket, realizing that he’s down to just one left, and grimaces. 

“God bless you,” Ed says sympathetically. “Makes it even worse that this guy didn’t show up when you went to all the trouble of coming out, feeling so bad and all.” 

“Mm, no trouble. I did have a friend help with the outfit, though,” Stede admits. “One of my first dates after a divorce and all, needed some help.” 

“Good on them, then, that color’s perfect for you,” Ed tells him, and he sounds like he means it. 

Stede gives him a smile but shakes his head. “He did also suggest a hazmat suit.” 

This gets a laugh from Ed, and it’s a lovely sound, one Stede wishes he had the time to get used to. 

Ed seems to realize something all at once. “Wait, did you say first date?”

Stede sinks in his seat a little bit as he nods. “One of the first,” he says. “Though it always feels like the first after fifteen years of marriage to a woman, anyway. Suppose I’m something of a late bloomer,” Stede admits, feeling his face go warm. “Probably too late.” 

Ed softens at this, the surprise on his face washing away. “No such thing as too late, mate. Look at me, I came out at fifteen and look at me, alone with my cat and my bar. Don’t even have a divorce to blame it on.” 

For some reason, this makes Stede’s throat go tight, his eyes stinging with tears. God, he cannot cry because one stranger was being nice to him. 

“Here,” Ed says, pulling a deep red handkerchief from his pocket and handing it to Stede with a nod and a small smile and turning away, giving him a minute of privacy. “You probably need this more than I will tonight,” he says.

Stede dabs at his eyes, appreciating Ed’s kindness all the more. 

Stede takes a few deep, steadying breaths and sips his tea as other customers come and go, as Izzy appears and disappears with another disapproving shake of his head, and through it all, Ed always makes his way back to Stede’s end of the bar, offering him more tea, more water, another story or picture of Frank when things slow back down. 

All at once, Stede realizes that he’s having a better time than he’d ever expected to, even if David had bothered to show up for their date. 

“What’s that face, mate? You’re looking like you did when you first came over…oh, fuck, like two hours ago,” Ed says, looking at the time. 

“Two human hours?” Stede gasps. It’d gone by so fast he hadn’t even noticed, though he is definitely more tired now than he’d been before. 

Ed laughs again and Stede wants to bottle the sound of it. He really must be delirious from this cold.

“Human hours,” Ed confirms. 

“You know, I think I’m actually glad he didn’t show up? It’s been so lovely talking to you, Ed,” Stede says. 

“Same goes,” Ed says with another one of his warm smiles. “This is the most fun I’ve had at work in ages, maybe ever.”

This feels like the best first date Stede’s ever been on, though he keeps that thought to himself, along with a firm reminder that this is definitely not a date.

*

Another hour passes in the blink of an eye, and Stede shifts in his seat, the tell tale twinge somewhere in the back of his sinuses letting him know that very soon, he’s going to need more tissues than he has at the moment. He really should be getting home and into bed, starting the process of sleeping off this wretched cold. Though, as miserable as he feels, the night hadn’t been a total loss after all, thanks to Ed. 

“Well,” Stede says, sniffling, “I think I’d better get home. If my eyes get any heavier I’ll be asleep right here on your bar, and no one wants that.” He’d intended it to come across as a joke, but his voice is so wrecked from this cold and the all too recent tears that it comes out just as run down and, frankly, sad as he feels. 

“Mm, yeah, no, might get a crick in your neck,” Ed says, as if that’s the only problem with what Stede said, and not the million and one sick person germs he’d be leaving behind. He smiles at Stede, the way he has been the whole night, while making him laugh, while making him feel better about being stood up, while pouring him drinks he claimed were on the house. 

“Exactly,” Stede says, returning the smile. His head really does feel heavy though, his sinuses throbbing with the cold he’d pushed off and ignored for far too long tonight. He pictures his bed, a safe haven despite its emptiness, and stands up before he can change his mind. He’s strangely reluctant to leave Ed, funny, kind Ed, but it’s really for the best, leaving before Stede gets one of his crazy ideas. Like thinking that Ed could possibly, actually like him. 

It’s Ed’s job to be nice to strangers, Stede reminds himself. 

He’s just doing his job. 

“Well,” Stede begins. “Thank you, again, truly, for being so nice to me tonight. I’ve been quite a mess and this … really helped,” he says, too honestly, he’s sure of it, given the way his eyes sting and his sore throat thickens with the threat of yet more tears. God, he really does have to get out of here. 

Ed looks at him, his gaze lingering on Stede’s face. The restaurant’s emptying out now, people finishing the last of their glasses of wine, letting their dates wind down before they head home, and Stede feels that familiar twinge in his gut, a mix of jealousy and longing. It would be nice to go home with someone, that’s all. Or home to someone. 

The sound of Ed’s voice breaks him out of his pathetic thought spiral. 

“You’ll have to let me know when you get home,” Ed says, sliding his phone onto the bar and over to Stede. “Can’t have you falling asleep at the wheel, I’d never forgive myself.” He gives Stede an encouraging little smile before turning to grab an empty glass a few feet away. 

“Oh, I barely drank anything! I’ll be alright, I promise, you don’t need to worry about me,” Stede says. He’s a very safe driver, even with his cold-foggy head, he can make the fifteen minute drive home no problem, and he really had only taken a few sips of the wine two hours ago. 

Ed turns back around to face him, amusement written across his face. “M’trying to get your number here, mate,” he says simply, as if it’s nothing, and not something that has never—literally never—happened to Stede Bonnet. 

“Oh,” Stede says, face flushing as he realizes. 

Ed just lifts his phone and unlocks it, handing it to Stede again. “For safety reasons,” he says with a wink. 

Stede enters his number with hands that feel, suddenly, a little shaky, adds his name, and hands the phone back to Ed. 

“Stede Bonnet (from the bar)” Ed reads out, smirking. “Thank god you specified, now I won’t get you confused with all the Stede Bonnets I’ve met elsewhere…” 

“Oh, well, I didn’t— I just thought…” Stede tries. 

“S’all good, Stede, really. There we go…” He types something and nods and Stede’s own phone lights up immediately. 

Stede reads the message: Edward Teach (Born on the beach)

“Were you actually?” He asks, intrigued. 

“Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t,” Ed says mysteriously. “You’ll have to find out. Over dinner or something. Not here,” he adds. “When you’re feeling up for it.” 

Stede’s pretty sure all the DayQuil he’d been chugging all day has caught up with him, because there’s simply no way this is happening to him right now, not when he looks and feels like this. Ed is gorgeous, all warm, dark skin under his tattoos, his salt and pepper hair falling out of his half ponytail just a little at this point, the rest hanging over his shoulders. Not to mention the perfect, deep brown eyes that Stede’s been entirely too captivated by all evening, it’s… 

It’s too good to be true, surely. It’s too much. 

“Sorry, too much?” Ed says, reading his mind. “I have a tendency to come on a little strong, or so I’ve been told.” 

“No!” Stede says quickly. “Not at all, you’re perfect. This just… doesn’t happen to me,” he confesses. “And I’ve been sniffling and sneezing at you all evening, and you’re so, well handsome… and…” He trails off again helplessly. 

“And so are you,” Ed says easily. “And hey, if you manage to look this good when you feel this bad, I’m going to be fucking in for it next time, aren’t I?” He winks again. “You really should go, though, you look dead on your feet, and you’ve been through it tonight. Not to mention listening to me rambling all night,” he grins. 

Stede nods. “I’ll text you when I get home,” he says, smiling down at his phone. He’ll collapse into bed, and text Ed, and let him be sweet and kind to him and wish him a goodnight. 

And, for once, Stede’s confident that these texts won’t go unanswered. 

“Holding you to that,” Ed says. “Goodnight, Stede Bonnet from the bar.” 

Stede’s still smiling when he unlocks his front door and sends the promised text to Ed. 

*

The next morning, Stede has a few texts waiting for him. 

Lucius: Sign of life check, hellooo?? What ended up happening last night???

Edward Teach (Born on the beach): Morning, Stede from the bar, hope you’re not feeling too bad! If you want I could…bring you breakfast on the way into work this morning? If you don’t mind giving a strange man your address, that is 

David: So sorry! I overscheduled myself last night, can we try again next week? 

Stede deletes the text from David, then deletes his number all together. Good riddance. 

He promises Lucius he’s alive, just sick, and promises to call him later to fill him in. This leads to a flurry of new texts full of question marks and eye emojis. 

Stede: Good morning, Ed! Thank you again for last night. And you’re hardly a “strange man” after that! I really did have a wonderful time in spite of it all. I do feel pretty gross this morning, though :( Can we raincheck breakfast to one we can have…together? 

Edward Teach (Born on the beach): I’d love that 

[written-in-flowers]

No because I love your hotd-stuff, I would love to request something about Aemonds fiancee facing some internal dilemma. Her fiance is handsome, skilled, smart and gentle - but she can not seem to resist giving in to his brother Aegons advances

"Meet me in the North tower."

You'd found the letter stuck underneath the wine pitcher your handmaiden brought in. Immediately, you knew who had sent it: Aegon. Ever since you'd arrived in King's Landing, meant to be betrothed and married to Aemond Targaryen, Aegon made it a mission to charm you. So many reasons screamed at you not to go:

Aegon was married with two children. He was a drunken fool who usually slept in most mornings. He gambled too much. He got into fights he should've walked away from. He made lewd jokes at other people's expense; didn't care about duty or responsibilities. Family name and standing did not matter to the prince. He lived as he pleased. He is everything your parents wished you to stay away from.

Aemond was your betrothed, and you couldn't ask for a finer man. Skilled with a sword, he worked on his mind just as much. The both of you shared common interests in books and history. You enjoyed your garden walks in the morning and the tea time you both spent together every day. You've known Aemond and Aegon most of your life, since you and Aemond were betrothed at ages six and seven. Yet, Aemond was so...proper. He never made advances or tried to steal a kiss like Aegon had on occasion. He didn't leer at you, make sexual suggestions or flirt with you at all. A perfect gentleman, which you liked. Aemond made you feel like a true noble lady; the damsel to his hero. You loved him. You always have.

But, Aegon seemed so free from it all. He loosely played by court rules and etiquette, while Aemond lived by them. You liked the drinking games you both played at feasts and the times Aegon snuck you out of the city. You two never went far. He knew boundaries, at least. Yet, as you looked at the note in your hands, that boundary grew very thin.

You told your handmaiden you would be in the library for a while, and not to disturb you. It was a good choice. North Tower is near the library, so once you and Aegon finish, you can sit there and pretend you never left. Bypassing several guards and other nobles in the castle, Abandoned many years ago, North Tower is one of the older parts of the keep. Tall and facing towards the heart of King's Landing, you climbed up the spiraled staircase. Air became stuffy inside the faded red brick walls. Sunlight broke through the cracks and windows, so your way was halfway lit for you. The higher it went, the hotter the air became. You smelled the musty air when you reached the tower room. Cobwebs covered corners of the room, broken furniture and disused armor laid around like a storage place. This was where broken things went to die. Seeing the dust everywhere, you knew nobody came here.

"We're completely alone up here."

Aegon's voice made you jump. Hair cropped short, wavy and greasy, he was the exact opposite of the tall and lean Aemond. Another difference you liked.

You shouldn't be here.

You loved Aemond, and if he learned about this, he'd be so hurt. Thinking of his sharp, narrow face falling when he learns what you've done, broke your heart. Aemond pretended nothing bothered him, but you knew the pain lingered underneath the surface. It'd break his heart. He put so much trust in you; you are one of the few who have seen him open and vulnerable. You hated thinking of what might happen if he ever learned about it.

'That's why you need to leave.’ 

"Nobody comes up to this place," he said, smirking as he came closer to you.

Light eyes looked down your body, seeing you in the pale blue dress you'd chosen to wear. He strutted over to you through the dark room, before cupping your chin. Your lips met his gently like so many times before. You could taste the wine on his lips; smell the smoke on his clothes. Aemond only kissed you once. It’d been a chaste peck that he’d stolen before anyone noticed. He told you he couldn’t resist with you so close.  Aegon, however, had no trouble fulfilling your needs. You knew you should stop, pressing into a table when you kiss grew deeper, but how could you? You’d already dipped your toes in the pool; it only made sense to dive into the water. 

“Let me,” he whispered, lifting your dress slowly while you kissed, “Let me take it. Please.” 

“I can’t,” you said. “If I lose my maidenhead, Aemond will know.”

“Psh, how? I doubt he even knows where to put it.” He slid his hand between your thighs, and you gasped at the fingers rubbing through your clothes. “I tried educating him once, but I don’t think he got very far. You need someone more...experienced,” he started kissing down your neck as he pushed through the layers of clothing to touch your pussy. You timidly untied his breeches, and slipped your hand inside. You could still turn back before anyone noticed. “Someone who knows how to pleasure you properly.”

“I told you,” you began stroking his half-hard cock while he rolled his fingers around your center. The sensations running through caused your body to burn; you shut your eyes as you focused on the hand sliding against your clit. “I have to save it for Aemond. I...I don’t think I could handle lying to him that way.”

“You’re already lying to him,” he called out your weak excuse. “You told him you’d be going to the library, but you’re actually up here with me.” 

“I...”

Truth be told, you did not know why you came. The naughtiness of it all exciting you? The secrecy making it feel more special than it truly is? The thrill of possibly being caught at any time? You weren’t sure. You continued stroking Aegon, who began palming your breast while starting to slide a finger inside you, but you kept thinking of Aemond. Your tall, handsome, aloof soldier who’d been nothing but a gentleman with you. The man you wished you forget his morals for a few minutes and touch you the way Aegon did not. A second finger filled you, and you grabbed onto Aegon’s shoulder. Aegon’s fingers did sting for a bit. You thought you should be wet; that’s what you’d heard from other ladies you knew. But, there seemed to not be much. You felt his thumb rub over your clit, brushing the hardness in the middle and the folds around it. It brought slight pangs of pleasure like you thought it would. You needed to be quick before someone came and found you. 

It took only a few more pumps before Aegon was holding onto the table, hunched over your shoulder and grunting. You felt something hot and sticky touch your hand, getting caught in between your skin and the breeches. You attempted to ride Aegon’s hand in hopes of finding some sort of pleasure, but he pulled out almost immediately. 

“Aegon,” you looked at him, disappointed and confused, “We haven’t finished.”

“This is how quick ones work, my lady,” he said, beginning to tie his breeches back up, “You need to do some of the work yourself.”

“I’d never done...I didn’t know...”

“Now you do. Lesson learned, right?” 

Shame immediately fell over you. Aegon’s fingers had left an impression inside you, which you tried rubbing off with your thighs. You should never have come. You felt foolish for falling for the charms of a drunken idiot like Aegon, when you had Aemond nearby. 

“You’re not...” Aegon began, seeing you awkward stance, “You’re not going to tell Aemond, are you?”

“Of course not!”

“Oh good,” he said, relieved, “He’ll probably decapitate me if he knew.” He dared to kiss your lips, “If you ever want more, you know where to find me.” 

You watched him leave first, the guilt starting to fester in your stomach. Aemond could never know what happened. You needed to pretend the whole mess had never happened. Even with the arousal still inside you, you could walk it off. You left the tower. You managed to keep your tears back throughout the walk to your chambers. Not even the guard at your door noticed. When you shut the door, you thought you were alone, but quickly realized you weren’t. 

“Aemond!” 

Your worst fear had happened: Aemond knew. You could tell from his face. 

You worried about what came next. 

[eruden-writes]

Where the Dark Stands Still by A.B. Poranek

This is the book that had me sobbing in bed a few nights ago. I found this book in the bin store, caught by the absolutely gorgeous cover art.

I didn't realize it was a young adult novel until I started reading, but I should've known. Young adult novels seem to have the most appealing cover art to me.

Where the Dark Stands Still is heavily inspired by Polish folklore while also having the feel of Howl's Moving Castle and Beauty and the Beast. It's really quite splendid.

The story follows Liska Radost - apparently a 17-year-old, but it was vague throughout the book - who is a girl with magic who happens to live in a Polish village entangled in Christian ideology. Meaning magic is seen as a sin. Liska does her best to hide her powers, but her magic does trigger and cause problems, at times.

In an effort to get rid of her magic, Liska takes to the nearby spirit woods, the Driada, during Kupala night. There, she hopes to find a legendary flower that will grant her a wish. Instead, she finds the Lesky, a powerful "demon" that offers her a bargain.

She is to stay and manage his manor for one year. At the end of that time, he will relieve her of her magic.

Throughout her stay, it's hard to trust the Lesky. He's enigmatic and sometimes refuses to answer Liska's questions, mostly pertaining to his past. It made Liska and Lesky's relationship a tense one, where the reader gets the vibe that he is using her for something sinister.

Over her stay at the manor, Liska also encounters different spirits and demons. Some of which become beloved friends or aid her in finding answers to her questions. Others of which try to kill her.

The romance with the Lesky definitely builds, which I appreciate. It's almost always fraught with a "what if" sensation, since Liska knows the Lesky could be using her. I don't appreciate that it builds over the course of four months, however. I wish it had been a longer timeline.

Interestingly, the book is written in present tense, which doesn't detract from the enjoyment. It was a unique facet I wanted to mention. The descriptions are very lovely and are not overly drawn out.

What others might care about:

Arrogant and distant male lead. There's reasons why he acts this way, but it's definitely a trope in YA. But he's bi, since we learn about one of his prior lovers, so marginally more palatable.

Big ole age gap. Yep, the Lesky is 700+ years old, although he doesn't look (nor act, in my opinion) much older than Liska. I'm willing to overlook this, since the Lesky is bound to/cursed by an ancient god.

Explicit violence and gore. The whole book is beautifully written and I honestly appreciated the detailed descriptions of violence and wounds. It really fit the vibe of the story.

Animal death. The Lesky's former lover had a dog that died terribly. His spirit is still wandering, depicting the dog in its mangled state.

Vague sex scenes befitting a young adult novel. I won't begrudge a young adult novel for having vague intimacy. However, coupled with the big ole age gap, other readers may not like this.

Overall, this is a solid 5 out of 5 for me. Some parts aren't to my taste, but not enough to detract from the story. Everything works phenomenally well together.

[SPOILER BELOW, DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILED]

In an effort to disengage himself with the old god who wants to take over his body and cause havoc, the Lesky ends up killing himself. Just before he dies, he ends up transferring his powers and guardianship of the Driada to Liska without her consent. This scene was so very heartbreaking and the following scenes, when Liska wakes up and processes what happened, is also heartbreaking.

I was a sobbing mess. I'm a little misty-eyed just typing this up.

While this was extremely well done, I'm also conflicted. The long-lived male lead finally finding love having to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, while leaving their lover reeling in emotional agony, losing something so special that they fought so hard for? I feel like this is an oddly specific trope that's prevalent in stories like this.

Thankfully, because the Driada is a spirit wood, there's a dangling ending that may be sweeter for Liska and the Leszy.

[sparkles-rule-4eva]

https://www.tumblr.com/bebeiaarts/673335597863256064/my-headcanon

Went ahead and read this post. And laughed a little, ngl.

It's basically a defense post for shipping Sonic with human girls, and a hate post towards Sonamy/Sonally shippers. Called 'em all "fanbrats." Immediate generalization, assuming all of us are the same.

I'm a Sonamy shipper, not Sonally. Why I don't ship Sonally? All I've seen of Sally -- while she's generally a good person -- she's very controlling, especially of Sonic himself. She doesn't like Sonic for who he is; she's constantly trying to make him more serious and their personalities clash an awful lot. But does that mean I hate on and judge Sonally shippers? No. It's just a ship with fictional characters, peeps. Lighten up. I don't get triggered if I see others making art for them and stuff. I just move on because it's not for me.

Ah, yeah, Amy's worse qualities HAVEN'T disappeared? Sorry, could someone remind me of a time during the IDW comics, during Frontiers, during MOSTH, when Amy was making Sonic uncomfortable with stalker-esque behavior? Right. There wasn't any. It's a little something called character development and maturity. Happens as one grows older.

And this isn't the first time I've seen people complain that they're turning Amy into Sally 2.0. Actually, they're not. Amy Rose has a heart for people that Sally never did. In IDW, Amy took over the Resistance and changed it into the Restoration because Knuckles disbanded it on a whim, and she couldn't bear to see so many people displaced and in trouble. Because she's got that heart and LOVE for people. That passion.

Amy loves Sonic exactly for who he is. (I've talked a little about this before but will gladly elaborate for those who refuse to see.) She outright said to him, "I can't change you. I don't want to change you."

She loves that he's an adventurer. She loves that he has a heart for people like she does as well. She loves everything about him -- through anything.

Another person claimed they didn't ship Sonamy because "Amy only loves the hero facade Sonic puts on." Sorry, remember that episode in Sonic X where it showed Amy was well aware of Sonic's dislike/fear of water, and instead of getting angry or disappointed with him, she made him a good luck charm bracelet to make him feel better? Or that time when she scolded Knuckles for making fun of said fear? Or when he was badly electrocuted to the point of unconsciousness and she stepped up to take care of him? Or when she dove into a giant mass of water after him, knowing she might not be able to save him but not wanting him to be alone? I could go on and on.

That love of hers, that passion, is also for people in general (he's just #1 in her heart, according to Sega). In Frontiers, she showed concern for him when he appeared to be struggling. She shared her desires to share her love with the world, even if it meant taking them apart, and he encouraged her to do so, adding that he wanted to hear all about it when she got back.

Pardon us for feeling like Sonamy is more canon after Frontiers. I'd like to see YOU come up with a platonic explanation for "Wish we were sharing an umbrella, Amy," and "Amy, I should've made up my mind sooner."

Also, it's pretty unlikely Amy is still 12. They stopped confirming their ages years ago. With how much has been happening, I wouldn't be surprised if they're all aged up several years.

"Thinking we know better than Sega themselves." Bruh, "Sega themselves" have confirmed time and time again that Sonic has feelings for Amy. The only reason (besides the mandates lol) he hasn't confessed to her is because

Sonic isn't good at dealing with feelings

Sonic isn't ready for a relationship at this point in his life/doesn't need one

Sonic loves Amy, and Amy loves Sonic. But they're both aware that Sonic doesn't want a relationship for the time being, so they're fine being friends.

Pardon the rant, lol. And jsyk, this isn't necessarily a persuasive speech. If this convinced you to ship Sonamy, cool! If it didn't, I don't care. Again, these are just ships with fictional characters. I have fun with them. I don't get outraged if people don't ship what I do. If you don't like it, move past this post and keep scrolling. See if I care. 😂

[ryuichirou]

Replies

Hi again! More short replies. The majority is related to our latest posts, but not all of them…

About Azul/Jamil comic from yesterday:

Anonymous asked:

"Long live the king or whatever..." *sounds of an octopus tumbling down a flight of stairs*

Awww poor octopus~  I wonder if Azul’s octopus form suffers too if his human form breaks a couple of limbs 😭

thestarlightfae asked:

Rip Azul. What did Jamil do to him to make him sulk?

F in the chat for our boy Azul

To answer your question: not sure! I’d say that he just refused him for 1000th time, but Azul is surprisingly good at handling rejection from Jamil (it’s his “sure sure, keep playing hard to get” mentality). But then again, maybe Jamil really was too harsh this time…

About Ruggie and leonut:

thestarlightfae asked:

Omg! Ruggie is adorable with his leonut!!!!!

Anonymous asked:

I LOVE RUGGIE DRAWING SO MUCH HE SUCH A CUTIE PATOOTIE I ADORE THIS MAN ALWAYS

Wahhahqhwhhwhehehejkwskjs

Thank you so much!! <3 I am very happy you like him.

Ruggie is such a rare guest in our blog, but he really is adorable and deserves nothing but good things.

About the Jade/Vil massage comic:

Anonymous asked:

JADEVIL?! truly blessed to live in a time where I can see JadeVil

HHEHE YES I can’t believe we haven’t posted anything proper with them yet and didn’t even have a tag for them… this is a good ship 💪

Anonymous asked:

OMG, Ryu, you gave me a heart attack as soon I saw Jadevil on your feed!! I'm so happy you guys ship, too 🫶🏼 I love it, thanks for the food 🙏🏻

Please enjoy your food, Anon! Thank you so much for liking it!! <3

Both of the tweels have interesting dynamics with Vil, both separately and together, so I’m happy to explore Jade and Vil together hehe.

Anonymous asked:

Thank you for the women. They have me gnawing at the bars of my enclosure.

(related to stuff from our 🔑🔞 acc)

You are very welcome, Anon, and thank you so much for enjoying them!!! 😭 I feel a bit weird when I post nothing but girl smut for a long period of time, so it’s very encouraging and frankly amazing to see you getting feral over them lol

Anonymous asked:

Out of curiosity, were any of your other drawings inspired by asks you received?

To be honest, I can’t remember anything major… But I am very bad at remembering my own drawings, so maybe it’s just my memory thing.

Sometimes I get carried away when I write a reply and start thinking “damn this sounds fun” and then months later end up drawing it, completely forgetting that it was a hc from a list or something like that…

But also sometimes I draw a new ship and start remembering how Anon asked about this ship ages ago and I replied “nah don’t ship them” or “nothing against it but we don’t care much” back then lol I think it happened with Ace/Riddle and Trey/Vil, for example.

Anonymous asked:

[shroudswap anon] of course it's fine with me, if anything i'm honored! i would love to hear any ideas you have on it!! :] one aspect of it that i think about: do you think ortho would receive a subtle sort of... disdain from STYX? because idia is this once-in-a-lifetime genius, and ortho is just... above average. so who knows what idia would've made and been capable of if he hadnt died, and this whole thing WAS orthos idea.... this subtle air of "it should've been you" to rub it in. thots?

I’m happy to hear that, Anon! <3 I’ll definitely come back to this idea again once I figure out how I want to draw it.

Also oof, good question. I feel like Ortho would definitely feel like this is how people feel about him, like they would be nice to him and all, but him being worse than Idia is such a huge elephant in the room that no one could realistically ignore. There could probably be some people in S.T.Y.X. who genuinely blame Ortho for what’s happened with their precious prodigy, but the overall consensus would probably be that this was an accident, Ortho was still very young, and that they shouldn’t blame him. This is partially because Ortho is seemingly everyone’s little sunshine, and people would probably feel bad for him.

But! Once again, Ortho would absolutely feel like they just don’t truthfully express how they really feel about him. To him it’s 100% objective truth: it should’ve been him, and everyone knows that even if they act like they don’t agree. He doesn’t have as much to offer as Idia did and he can’t achieve half of the things Idia could have…

The angst just keeps getting more and more potent huh

Anonymous asked:

politely hands you the idea of the tweels nonconing epel…i’m also curious if you think azul would ever join in on the twins…playing…with someone in any way

Anonymous asked:

tweel x epel anon, i hope i’m not coming across as requesting anything i just want to share the idea sharing is caring

No worries, Anon, it does feel like you’re sharing, and I appreciate you sharing~ ;3

Epel is a very good victim for such a scenario; even know he knows that he shouldn’t do it, somehow he ends up fucking around and finding out… so the tweels could definitely play with him.  He would be a delightful little toy~

But when it comes to Azul, I feel like he would only be present if the whole thing was his idea initially + he is very interested in the victim. Otherwise to him it’s just his rabid hounds terrorizing a piece of meat to keep themselves entertained. It’s mostly their own business I think 🤔

[bigalockwood]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Thanks @sunshine-rudberg for tagging me <3333

How many works do you have on Ao3?

7!

What's your total Ao3 word count?

175,665

What fandoms do you write for?

Young Royals. I used to write for other fandoms ages ago, but have no interest to write for any others right now.

Top five fics by kudos

(The results to this are kinda skewed, because I started posting my stories for users only after Royally Whipped, which drastically influences nr. of hits and kudos).

Royally Whipped

we'll make a home on the cracks (glowing review)

Simon Eriksson hates breeches

All Is Fair In Love and Secret Santa

arm-biting (vindictively)

Do you respond to comments?

I try my hardest, but when I was writing Royally Whipped I was insanely busy and got super behind on replying. So now I have a mountain of comments waiting for me to reply to . I'm trying my best to go through them and keep up with the comments coming in because of should've said no.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

No angsty endings for me. I guess in terms of what was angsty until close to the end, it would have to be glowing review.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Royally Whipped, I'd say. Season 3 completely derailed my plans for that one, so it's much less angsty than originially planned.

Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet. But I guess there's always first time for everything, right?

Do you write smut?

So far, no. Just weirdly suggestive scenes.

Craziest crossover:

Never written one.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. Hope it doesn't ever happen, either.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! (As far as I know, at least.)

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

In an old fandom, yes. It was fun but also super messy and definitely far from my best work.

All time favourite ship?

Wilmon! No one does it like them.

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

There's a bunch of stuff in my drafts, but most of those are just rouch ideas or random scenes. So no WIP. I'm usually very good at finishing them (though there is an abandoned twilight fanfiction on another website, but I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot pole).

What are your writing strengths?

Questions like that always throw me off, because I genuinely don't know. But I think I'm pretty good at coming up with metaphors for my characters feelings that are hopefully not too cringy to read.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I ramble. A lot. Other writers could probably tell my stories in three chapters and be done. I'm unable to do that. Also too many details in general. Pretty sure I overuse and repeat certain words all the time. Generally just don't know how to make anything concise.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I don't mind it when reading fanfic (actually barely notice), but personally choose not to use it. If the story is set in Sweden, then imo they're already speaking Swedish with each other, so no need to have them say Swedish words.

First fandom you wrote in?

Twilight lmao

Favourite fic you've written?

You're asking me to decide between my children??? Okay, I'll give it a shot. I think Royally Whipped will always have a special place in my heart because I wrote it in such a chaotic phase of my life. But I also really, really love Simon Eriksson hates breeches (I think it's very funny ngl) and had the best time writing glowing review.

No pressure tags @hergrandplan, @wilmonsfolklore, @gulliblelemon, @nerdyfangirl76, @iwouldnevergetintofanfic & anyone else who wants to do this (I could tag so many amazing people, but I have no idea who's already been tagged, other than those along side me)!

[fallinfl0wers]

if you knew, you would understand. (you wouldn't).

fandom: genshin impact characters: xiao reader type: female summary: xiao has lost you far too many times. when the perfect opportunity is set up by fate, he doesn't let you go. genre: angst no comfort. warnings: yandere, non-consensual kissing (once). death (reader's. like many times, in different ways: crushed to death, falling to death, he has to kill you once, i don't think it's too graphic though...). notes: this is not very halloween-ish, and i don't think it's creepy? almost everything is written in xiao's pov, so it's kind of his descent into yandere-ness? but even then i'm not really sure if it's okay HAHAHA, please let me know if you think i missed something for the warnings and i'll add it asap!!! wordcount: 2905

The first time Xiao met you, he didn't think much about you. You were a human, like many others he'd seen through the ages. There wasn't anything outstanding about you; you were simply the youngest daughter of a family of farmers and there was nothing that made you stand out, in between the waves and waves of normal people, you were just another one.

This happened long, long ago; back when the powerful Conqueror of Demons wasn't the last standing Yaksha, at a time when the Archon War still hadn't come to an end anywhere, including what we know today as Liyue.

The first time Xiao fell in love with you, he could dub it as an accident.

You didn't catch his eye because you had unparalleled beauty (not to say you weren't beautiful to him, however, as far as he cared, aesthetics and beauty standards weren't something to spare a single thought. He has never been one to truly care about such things, perhaps out of his deeply rooted feeling of unworthiness and repulsiveness, he considered himself to be the last thing to have a right to judge someone's outer appearance). In fact, he didn't even know your name during the first four years his feelings for you started to bloom.

It was commonplace for humans to place food offerings for the Adepti, and although he wasn't fond of human food apart from very specific tea blends with a very specific amount of sweeteners, sometimes one of his siblings would convince him to at least be there with them when this happened. It was during one of those times that he first saw you, all on your own, arriving at the same time as he and his brother did. You couldn't have been older than twenty nor younger than sixteen- for the era that elapsed at the time you could be consider one of the luckiest people who got to live a long life, but Xiao looked into your eyes and all he could see was a soul far too young and innocent, like this was the first live you'd lived. Upon their appearance you, being the well-mannered, respectful woman you were raised to be, bowed deeply to them in greeting.

It mattered little to him, as he was busy blinking owlishly at the strange, fluttering sensation that ran through his chest. It didn't hurt, so it couldn't have been karmic debt. What was it, then?

Looking back, it was love at first sight. He knew not enough to come to this conclusion back then, but he, with a nod of acknowledgement, accepted the ceramic bowl with almond tofu you intended to give as an offering before leaving for your home. Absentmindedly, he picked up the eating utensils left with the bowl, and put a small piece of the sweet treat on his tongue. Immediately, his eyes widened in shock at the familiar texture and the amicable, welcoming sweet flavor of the dish; a replacement for sweet dreams, it was. A replacement, but a very good one.

Xiao showed his gratitude to you for introducing him to such a delightful dish, something that quelled the ache on his tongue and his need for a sweet dream without having to harm anyone, and the way you smiled at him while saying you were only doing what you had to made his heart take a leap.

Looking back, he should've known- it had been love at first sight. A sweet, innocent crush he would've nurtured and looked after had he been anyone but who he was at the time.

The first time he lost you, he hadn't been there to see the moment it happened.

An enemy attack, as those were common at the time. Just this time, it had been a strong enemy who attacked the settlement of Rex Lapis' domain.

Only after everything was said and done, a victory for the mighty god of contracts, was when he saw you within the casualties.

As humans and adepti lifted up rubble to try and find survivors, or to give a proper funeral to those who had fallen, he saw you.

His breath got stuck on his throat for a moment, and his heart clenched painfully at the sight of your body, broken and bloody, crushed underneath the rubble of a building and rocks, skin sickly pale, eyes unfocused and void of light.

That day, he learnt your name.

The first time Xiao lost you, you were twenty three, and you had been about to wed a man you knew since childhood.

At the time, Xiao didn't understand why that knowledge made his chest hurt more. Was he feeling sad because you didn't get to marry the one you loved?

No, if he looked back, it hurt more because now that he understood his feelings, he would've lost you anyway. Wed to some man he didn't know, when all he could do was catch sight of you from afar once every moon...

(Xiao wishes to say he would've rather had that, having you spend your life married to someone who wasn't him, loving someone who wasn't him, instead of having you dead. Once upon a time, he would've. But now...?)

The second time Xiao met you, he couldn't believe his eyes.

It was perhaps a hundred or two hundred years after your first death.

He saw you as one of the many refugees that arrived from the lands of a different god; a far cry from the regular, kind woman you were when he met you for the first time, yet, physically you were mostly the same, and so was your name and voice.

Unlike the first time, this time you reminded him of his darkest days, before he was taken in by Rex Lapis. Flighty, scared of everything, malnourished, with dark bags beneath your pretty eyes. And he knows, because he took the time to check on you, without your knowledge... he knows you had recurring nightmares about whatever horrors you faced out there.

(If Xiao fought harder and harder than he usually would when going against that god's soldiers, no one could get a reason as to why out of him.)

"...!! W-who... who are...?" Your trembling voice asked him back then. Xiao, without stepping forward, spoke: "If you awake to a knife at your throat, if monsters dig their claws into you, if death comes knocking at your door... call out my name. Adeptus Xiao. I will be here when you call."

You called his name.

Once. And only once.

You called him, but it was too late. You were too slow.

Xiao thought he was the one who came too late, when it was you who called him a second too late.

As if slipping through his fingers like grains of sand, you fell. Out of reach, to your death.

That was the second time he lost you.

The third time he met you, he swore to him self he wouldn't let you be hurt again. Perhaps it had been his involvement with you, however small it was, that had cursed you. So this third time, he was going to keep more distance between him and you, only protecting you from the shadows, sending whatever small blessing he could your way.

And it worked.

Until you turned around and smiled shyly, looking around.

"I know you're there... and I know you're the one who's been protecting me this whole time. I'm not scared of you. Just... thank you, whoever you are."

Xiao hadn't been able to resist back then.

He stepped out of the shadows, and allowed you to talk to him. You were brighter, and warmer, when up close. He didn't bother trying to hide the pink blush that spread on his cheeks, merely looking at you in awe as you giggled at his expression; gently beckoning him to accompany you on a walk.

He said nothing, most of the time; unsure of how to interact, unsure of what would be appropriate to say, and unsure of why he was thinking so hard about what to say. Maybe it was because of his love for you, that he wanted oh so badly to do the right thing. But the poor man knew nothing of the intricacies of a human's mind and heart, knew nothing of the courting rituals one was supposed to follow in order to show interest to the object of one's affections. So instead, he kept providing what little he could to you.

His protection.

Sometimes, he would pick up flowers on his way to visit you. Other times, he would bring bright pieces of shiny minerals he knew humans seemed to be fond of, and you always accepted gladly all his gifts. You always responded by smiling at him and placing your hand on his face, gently caressing his cheek, letting him nuzzle into your warmth momentarily.

This part of his routine was what he loved most. To be near you, to listen to you speaking, to be able to show you he cared, to be able to protect you, to share what little peace still remaining on his life he had with you.

But, fate has never been kind to him.

Soon, you start falling ill. You cough and cough, and you tell him it's okay, just a cold. But then your illness doesn't stop, and you're too weak to go out like you used to.

It is not fair, he thinks, you're still young, you shouldn't have to be bedridden like that.

And the third time Xiao lost you, he knew it had been his fault.

He stared in horror as you whrited in agony in your bed, holding onto you head, crying and screaming and trying to scratch something off yourself, surrounded by a heavy, dark energy he knew all too well that spread through your veins all along your body, unable to speak or think.

His karma. His fault.

As much as you moved and howled, you were already dead by the time he found you. This was just the remnants of what you used to be, soul corrupted and torn apart from inside out in consequence of his existence and involvement with you.

He puts an end to your suffering, feeling as though a part of him is dying when his spear pierces your chest, and silently, tears run down his cheeks, and unto your cold and still, dead body beneath him.

He's dizzy as he stares at the husk of what used to be you, mind numb and noisy all at the same time, his eyes unfocused and zeroed on the blood that spills from your wounds and then your empty eyes, eyes that used to look at him with adoration and love, staring into nothing. He can't hear anything as he cradles your cold body close to his, wishing he had never gotten involved with you, wishing he could've prevented this, wishing you were still alive and well, with him.

This is the third time Xiao has his heart broken and a piece of his sanity cracking.

And it is not the last.

Years pass and pass without mercy, and no matter where he goes, he finds you again or you find him yourself.

It's a vicious cicle of you being there, being your beautiful, so easy to love self, Xiao loving you a little too much, and being unable to save you from an untimely end be it at hands of others, of your own nature, of yourself or even he himself. Whether he keeps his distance or not, he could never do anything for you.

Not protecting you.

Not saving you.

Not having you.

And perhaps, that was what hurt the most.

Because Xiao, flawed and broken as he was, loves you. From your first life and even now that he's lost you once again, he's been in love with you and everything you represent in his mind that losing you every time makes his soul break just a little bit more.

Xiao desperately wanted to hold you tight.

He wanted to live with you.

He cursed at his own existence, blaming his karma for everything that happened to you.

Every time he met you again he kept on thinking about how different things would be if only he had been anyone else but himself.

If only he wasn't the dull, pathetic excuse of a weapon he was.

If only he could be stronger.

If only he could be human.

If he were human, maybe he wouldn't have doomed you to this cicle of endless violent deaths and rebirths.

If he were human, maybe he would've been able to properly love you and make you happy instead of cursing you for his attachment to you.

The last time Xiao meets you, he stares.

He hears that blond traveler call you by the name he knows by heart, and he sees you laugh with her and it's the sound of that pure laughter that always makes his heart flutter. He looks at you, and he knows it's you.

He briefly sees the traveler walking away after whispering something to you and pointing upwards, and he can hear his name in the wind.

"-guy named Xiao. Please hand it to him while I finish my commissions."

And once you're there, standing in front of him, holding a ceramic bowl with almond tofu, asking if he is 'this guy named Xiao' and telling him that 'Lumine was too busy but she would come later', his mind goes blank.

Because, unlike the past, when he'd only feel his heart fluttering and breaking at the sight of you, when he'd only find himself craving your presence and touch, this time, the ever present, pulsant agony of karmic binds was no more.

Dull. Silent. Gone.

Just because you were there, it disappeared.

Like you were cleansing his soul.

If his karma stops when you're around, that must mean something. It must mean this is a dream. And if it's not, then it must mean he can't harm you anymore.

But he's not the only reason why he's lost you in the past. Illnesses that could've been easily prevented, battlefields you should've never been present at, disgusting humans you should've never crossed paths with-- this world had taken you away far too many times for him to trust it with you.

You flinch, seeing how tears silently start falling down from the corners of his eyes. Yet, you can't bring yourself to be fully concerned for his wellbeing, not when his piercing gaze is staring at you, as if looking straight into your soul without any emotion being shown on his face or body language.

Shivers run down your spine, and Xiao doesn't see it.

No.

Xiao doesn't see you taking a step backwards, because he moves forward towards you with his mind reeling.

He's lost you far too many times.

This world has taken you away far too many times.

And if this time, by some miracle, you're immune to the harm his karma brings...

The only thing he can do, is take you away.

"W-wait... what are you--?" "I'm sorry." "What do you me---" "I won't lose you again. Not this time."

Before you can blink or scream or do anything, he's taken you somewhere you don't recognize.

It's a tiny room. Dark, and without windows. At least you think so, you can't see much before you're rapidly thrown down. Breath is knocked out of your lungs when he pushes you down against the floor, careful not to hit your head, holding you close and pressing his lips against you with desperation, tears dripping onto your skin as his inhuman strenght makes it impossible for you to fight back and you're scared, scared beyond belief, not knowing who this is, or what he wants or what he'll do-

But to Xiao, this is paradise.

Holding you close, kissing you, this is all he wants.

Perhaps to your relief, he doesn't wish (or perhaps, doesn't know it's possible) to go further than that, he just hugs you tightly, clinging onto you for dear life, frantically mumbling incoherencies about how this time it's going to be different, this time he'll take care of everything and won't let the world hurt you.

Xiao doesn't let go of you, even hearing the taquicardic rhythm of your heart and feeling your body shaking.

You're afraid of him.

But it's okay (it's not, please don't look at him like that, please stop shaking, please stop giving him that look please love him again)

You just don't know anything yet.

He'll tell you everything eventually.

Surely then, you'd understand.

Surely then, you'd understand and know he is the only one who can keep you safe, the only one who can make you happy.

Surely, once you know... you won't blame him.

Surely then, you'll smile at him again, and look at him with the same love you used to all those years ago.

Surely then... surely then... if he does this all, then surely...

...he can... keep you forever, this time... right...?

When Lumine goes up to the balcony, she feels unsettled at the sight of a broken ceramic bowl and spilt almond tofu on the floor.

She calls out Xiao's name in concern, and for the first time, he doesn't come.

No matter how many times she calls, he never comes.

fallinfl0wers. 2022.

[maybege]

I know very little of your neighbor!Paz so forgive me for any inaccuracies 🥺 and sorry if someone else has already said something like this!!

Even tho I'm basically a hermit who has no interest in talking to her neighbors, I Love neighbor aus lmao.

But, imagine you're carrying in groceries, your typical paper bags cliche that are a tad bit overflowing, and Paz comes out to help you carry them in.

He noticed the wine and the more expensive looking steak (or meat alternative, or just more expensive food) and you explain to him that you have a date tonight! Its your first one in ages and you're nervous and excited because this guy at your gym has been trying to ask you out for a while but you've been too apprehensive to accept.

Paz is...disappointed, but not surprised because how could he be? It makes perfect sense for his beautiful, adorable, sweet neighbor to have guys all over her.

He stands outside your door, holding two bags of groceries while you put your bags on the counter, he doesn't want to assume he can come inside, he knows how intimidating he looks and the last thing he wants is to make you uncomfortable.

You thank him and give him a smile that lights his heart up, he wishes you luck on your date.

Later, he can smell the food your making and it smells delectable, he can hear the pots and pans clanging about through the thin walls, and he hopes to God he doesn't hear too much in case your date goes...really well. He turns the TV up and tries to ignore the sounds coming from your apartment.

Time passes and you've finished making dinner and gotten ready a little while ago.

...Your date never showed.

You texted him before he was supposed to show up, he never answered.

You called later and had to leave a message.

Its been an hour and a half and nothing.

There's a knock at your door

You quickly make your way to the door, but its not your date? Its Paz, you're not as disappointed as you probably should be when you see him on the other side. You're a little relieved in fact...

"Hey, Paz, can I help you with anything?" You're trying to put up a front, a little embarrassed and hurt.

Fuck, you look so pretty. Paz knows this is a weird time to knock. He just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong and he had to check on you. The, now empty, plate of brownies looking like a beacon on his counter, telling him to knock on your door.

He's upset with himself now though because you look like an angel. An angel who just got their wings clipped. There's a sadness in your eyes. Did your date upset you?

"Oh, no honey. I just wanted to real quick hand this over to you," he holds out a plate, "Before I pick up dinner." Something he should've done before your date, but it just slipped his mind.

You made too many brownies for your job the other day and gave some to Paz. At least thats what you told him, perhaps you made extra brownies as an excuse to see him.

"Thank you, Paz."

This has to be serendipity, right? Or are you just upset from your date not showing? Or is this a rare moment of courage that you have to act on this now?

He nods his head at you, wishes you a good night, and starts to walk away. Do it! Do it now!

"Paz?" You call out. He stops and turns to look at you. "Would you like to have dinner with me?"

He wants to ask about your date, but he has a feeling about what happened...

"I would love to, honey."

This time he doesn't feel uncomfortable walking into your apartment.

❤❤ hi again I've sent a couple messages to you about Paz. I actually needed a bit of a warm up, so sorry it was long again 😭. I hope you like it, I had to rush a bit at the end. But your au's make my day!! ❤❤

Oh dear anon, never apologize for the length of your asks. They are perfect! 🥺

Paz is so disappointed that his sweet pretty neighbour has a date but he tries his best to be happy for her because she is so happy. But when the realization hits that she was stood up? Oh boy he could just punch that boy in the face for how unhappy he made you.

But that also means he gets to spend the evening with her and they talk and laugh a lot and maybe she makes a comment about "This is already way better than any date with him could be." and Paz is like 🥺

[mars101]

Act 5: -> Scene 1: Lee Hyunjae Jaehyun

WRITTEN PART -> (0.8) -> no ss after text

june 10th, 2002.

hey travel diary, it's your favorite girl!! just saw the most hottest boy ever.. ♡♡ ok well i have seen a lot of cute boys while solo traveling but this one is different. this time… we actually talked. he sounds so majestic, a voice so smooth i think im melting as i remember the sound of it

i was feeling brave today and decided to approach him at this cute cafe, i saw him through the front window and i just had to talk to him.

his name is lee jaehyun, but i like to call him hyunjae for fun hehe. we're the same age and he's here for his studies, a semester at the university nearby. said he's deciding to go into business, you know what that means.. rich husband in the future ;)

we're going on a date tomorrow night at this restaurant by his university. the dress code is semi-formal but i'm not sure if i have anything like that in my luggage. he said that it's fine and anything i wear will be beautiful to him..

maybe later that night we'll… dot dot dot :)

July 16th: One day before Yin's Wedding.

The four were now sailing around the island. Juyeon controlling the sails and Younghoon napping on the deck. Leaving Hyunjae and Yin to talk.

“Ah, congratulations on your wedding by the way. I haven't been to one in forever, I'm honestly a little excited”

yin chuckles softly, “im excited too! i haven't been to a wedding since i was a kid”

“It's funny that Y/n now has a grown daughter, I would've loved to have a daughter. I would've spoiled her with anything she wanted.”

“do you have kids?”

“Nope, only a dog, his name's Darong..”

“hmm cute! i've always wanted a pet but i'm always running around doing stuff”

“That's perfect for pets though? Ah wait, how old are you again? I don't think I asked yet.”

“i’m twenty!”

“Oh wow! Twenty, hmm twenty years ago was around the time i met your mother..”

“how did you meet my mom..?”

Hyunjae grins as he thinks about past memories, “It was at a cafe on the mainland, I was there for a semester and honestly I should've stayed for longer if I knew I was going to meet someone like your mother.” Yin smiled softly at the sight of his gleaming eyes while talking about her mom.

“Your mom saw me from outside the window and went inside just to talk to me, the first words she said to me was,” He chuckles while remembering her past words, “hey good-looking, are you single?”

yin's mouth is agape at the idea that her mom was so bold, “no way mom said that” hyunjae smiled while shrugging, “Your mom was very charming when we first met. So charming that I decided to ask her out on a date the next day..”

“you must've really liked her”

“Of course I did. I'm going to be honest. She was the first woman to ever pursue me first. I was always the one chasing after others, which did not work at all, so to have a beautiful woman call me good looking and basically ask me out, I was going to make this a thing."

“and did it become a thing?”

Hyunjae leans back on his hands and looks away from Yin. “Well.. No? We did go on a bunch more dates and were practically stuck together all the time, but sadly, my semester had already ended. I had to go home after meeting the possible love of my life.” Yin frowns at this, “Don't worry, it was years ago, and I'm alright now, came here to possibly become close with your mom again.”

“Oh, not like that Yin, only as friends. I wouldn't want to do that to you when your dad is here. Oh, where is he by the way. I want to see who was the lucky guy to marry Y/n”

“uhm.. i don't know!”

“Oh! Uh.. I'm sorry, what?”

“i don't know who my dad is..”

june 24th, 2002.

no way… he's leaving me :( my hyunjae…

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN A GAP YEAR, maybe if i went to college right away i could've been in the same uni as him (if i did what jiwoo did and applied to every place we could think of)

i thought traveling was supposed to be fun, not heartbreaking. why does this happen to me :((

first, that beautiful man walked away after making eye contact with me for 10 seconds and now hyunjae..

what's next..? wait, im not going to say anything just in case i jinx myself

synopsis = a day before her wedding day, Yin decides to find her father so he can walk her down the isle, the problem? There's three candidates: Lee Juyeon, Kim Younghoon, and Lee Hyunjae.

last/next

masterlist

taglist:

@boomhoon , @sanasour , @loonaluvz , @jaerisdiction , @cowsmicwu , @jundundun , @piripurora

[keeganmantle]

Well, it's been 2 months since that situation, and everything is back to normal, but you might be wondering how I'm feeling right now. Well, at least Tumblr is fine now. I feel fine, but of course I'm never gonna get over what that guy did. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, 2 months ago I got in some beef with this guy. I'm not saying his name since I moved on, but I'll say that I did not start it. I don't know what his deal was. He liked my stuff, said my art was good. He asked about an art trade once which I said no. What did I do to deserve this? Was he mad I turned down an art trade? Was he jealous of my work? I'll never know, and I don't care. Because as time passed, one day I'm just on my computer and I get mentioned in a post where he just keeps going off about me. When he doesn't know me at all! Talked smack about me. What was he so mad about?! Why was I a target?! I did nothing to this man. And I don't care about him at all because he's crazy. Here's why. So I just called him out and blocked him. Nothing too crazy. But then the next morning, I wake up, check my Tumblr, and I get this DM from him. He was using different accounts to harass me. He sent me very disgusting and disturbing art of him killing me. Then said he knew where I lived, knew my parents. Like, how? What a freaking maniac! I should mention he's from China and knowing what they're capable of it should be no surprise.😐

I still don't understand what he's so mad about. He kept saying awful things like he was gonna find me, do horrible things to me, all because I blocked him. If you get so butthurt about someone blocking you that you decide to threaten them, you need some serious help. I have all the evidence of what he did. I took screenshots. They're all over the internet. He was mad at me because he's crazy that's my guess. Because I like to post about my comfort characters so what? They helped me through a lot. I came to Tumblr to expand my social media content and also because Twitter keeps crapping itself. And now thanks to that guy, I kinda have trust issues on here. I'm trying to be careful interacting with people. I just don't want this to happen again. And he made me really scared of DMs. When I was on Facebook 3-4 years ago, I was 17 at the time, a bunch of middle-aged perverted women kept DMing me. It really scarred me. That was the start of me having comfort characters. I just wanna stay away from awful women. Is that so wrong? Also, since I'm in a distant relationship with my girlfriend, comfort characters help me through being lovesick.😊

But yeah, that man has traumatized me. C'mon, he said he knew where I lived, said he was gonna find me and kill me and my family! He's a psychopath! I hope he's doing his own thing now. He should've got off the internet because he came back claiming he's the victim. It makes me laugh. I know I have nothing to worry about as you guys know the truth and I know crazy people usually try to gaslight the whole situation.😁

He said I made up the whole thing. How in the world could I make this up?! He also said I made those drawings. Dude, I don't draw like that! Why would I waste my time trying to make him look bad and make those drawings myself? Why would I do that to myself?! I was just documenting what he was doing. He ruined his own life. I'm not going to apologize. I'm not gonna forgive him. Why should I? He doesn't know what I've been through. And he just cause even more anxiety. Now you see why I need my comfort characters? Because people like him exist. Also I was having suspicions about him. This thing of him threatening me in the Tumblr DMs went on for a few days. He also said to have s*xual fantasies about me. And what he did that made me lose it and end his whole career was something that would make your blood boil too. He sent me something very awful. It was an art of him violating my girlfriend! The love of my life! Then said very perverted things about her and my mom. Now see why I think he's a pervert? A predator? More importantly a r*pist?! He might as well be! You don't do that to people. Words can hurt. Actions can hurt. It all hurts.😥

I love my girlfriend so much. We met nearly 2 years ago. She was a fan of mine. Then we became good friends and then eventually started dating.😊

The whole situation of what that guy did made me feel insecure, but I know that she loves me. She told me so. Our bond is strong. I know she's fine. I feel like we were meant to be. I feel like I found the woman I wanna spend the rest of my life with. What that guy did made me really worried about her. I know it was just an art but it felt real. I get very sensitive when it comes to violence towards women. It really makes my blood boil!😡

I still cry a bit from that art. I don't want her to get hurt. Anything about women getting hurt makes me cry a bit. I don't know why, I just don't wanna see that stuff. Especially if it's my girlfriend! Whenever something like Lifetime is on TV and they're playing a movie about a girl getting abused or something I sometimes have to either try to lock my eyes to my screen if I'm on my phone or playing a game, or sometimes just walk out of the room. I'm sorry, I just can't do it. I can't handle it. Just goes to show how much I care about women at least.😁

Really, he knows nothing. He traumatized me. What he did made me wanna let out some stuff I've been holding back or at least wanted to tell you but Twitter limits so much. I can have comfort characters. These female characters helped me remember there are good women in the world. As I still deal with some disgusting cougar moms mostly p*rn bots!😐

Even on here. I got weird DMs of women saying they're h*rny and wanted to chat in a sussy link. Just give me a break! I'm not that kind of man! Anyway, thank you all so much for the love and support. It was a really embarrassing yet traumatizing situation. You don't do that to people! If you hate something, just ignore it! That's what I do. Let's make this year even better. Let's try not to let any mishaps happen. Screw the haters. Lowlifes suck! Love you guys. Thank you.❤️

[childotkw]

hello. ive read past the first task (chapter 24? 25? not sure, ill figure it out when i find the time to pick CS back up.) and wow. yes, this is another long one LMAO ! maybe even longer than the previous ask.

20 chapters is a lot to cover my thoughts on so i might skim through a lot!!! an ask i gave u a week-ish ago about hermione being lucius' foster daughter was a lot of initial shock LMAO… it's wildly contrasting to canon. i love how the reveal actually brought in the first mention of changes that voldemort made about muggleborns and the laws surrounding them. the law first off is just horrid… i mean, it obviously had good intentions (e.g. muggleborns not having early experience and magical education before the age of 11 unlike purebloods and lesserbloods) BUT the execution is just bad.

i don't think voldemort's morals are very much in shape in the first place. it's still horrible to take children away and have them raised by absolute strangers. HOWEVER i love hermione and draco being foster-siblings …. + draco isn't as obnoxious as in canon !!! “I’m sure,” the other boy drawled in a practiced manner. “that you have a number of…hidden talents.” draco is hilariously funny and he's so different from the git that is usually portrayed and fanfics. his dynamic with hadrian is really fun to read LMAO.. i thought it was very interesting that draco was chosen as champion for hogwarts but i should've expected it honestly.

i also love hadrian's 'i take no shit' attitude when it comes to the students from the other schools!!! its so fun to read and see how that changes over time as hadrian is displaying how skilled he is/and chosen as champion for beauxbatons.

talking about hadrian being the champion for beauxbatons, JACOB… i originally read/interpreted the scene where he's putting in the piece of paper wrong and thought it was a hogwarts prefect or something. im stupid,,, but i was very ?? shocked but also like,, i should've known.. i shoudve known... i did at first really like jacob's character and i was . extremely sad . but he's also a douchebag

i literally FELT the dread hadrian had when his name was chosen,,, i feel so bad for the boy LMAOFDJS . my theory about the blank paper backfiring was wrong however he still was the champion anyway.

i loved the interactions between riddle & hadrian. it's so funny seeing hadrian miffed about riddle staring. intently at him 24/7 in his class. when hadrian eventually found out it was a manticore and like. how they are basically unbeatable by spells. and the fact that EACH CHAMPION GOT A DIFFERENT CREATURE too... and hadrian just happened to be that fucking unlucky i flipped. sweat pouring down my forehead like what the fuck is bro gonna do... + hadrian sleeping in riddle's office is absolutely hilarious . raina finding out and going '?????' and then 'im not that much of a whore. he is literally this close to going to a nursing home.' real food i had never been fuller

btw this was my thoughts being recorded real time while reading: hadrian s;eeping in proffessor riddle's office is. hilarious imo.. nagini 'you let him in ur bed' is also insanely funny. but also,, a manticore?? A MANTICORE??? hdrian will not have a ogod time.

then the first task was absolutely wild. hadrian is a genius absolute biggest brain,, the environmental magic shit was cool as hell but the DOPPELGANGER?? that's the shit. then hadrian finally getting to the pole and being safe but getting. rammed by the manticore. then sent off to be healed?? severely injured?? almost dead?? then RIDDLE USES LEGILIMENCY ON HIM? wild. i really loved the description on hadrian's mind and.. occlumency. canon harry is absolute shit at occlumency and ybtm harry isn't too much better. the empty (what do i call it?) part of hadrian's occlumency was cool as hell. i've read other fics that talk about occlumency/legilimency and i've never seen a concept like that !!

riddle/voldy finding out about harry's real identity was fatal... and their dynamic absolutely shifted. the tension, the passive aggressiveness in the air was so strong i could feel it through the screen. after the reveal voldy is very easily dislikable imo... bro has me ready to commit homicide because he is an absolute dick. i also think that ??? hadrian having being given the puzzle/hint thingy so much later than the other champions is so unfair but things are just like that i guess.

another thing i found really interesting was lily apparating to the dursley's home. petunia and lily's relationship is bad, but the way it was described through lily's pov explained it!! really well !! you wrote the complex relationship they have extremely well. i find it also clever that lily used muggle transportation which was an obvious choice since she had the option.

i also. had no idea that sirius was actually abernathy until it was outright stated. i felt incredibly stupid that i didn't pick up abernathy's weird dialogue and stuff but oh well ! i know now... anyways, i'll check in again once i've read to like? maybe the second task? have a good day dear author :>

Ooohhh hello again!! I do love the long asks! 🥰

Oof yeah, Voldemort's muggleborn policy is really...not good. Like, in some ways, knowing his history you can understand why he put it into place - but yeah, like you say, his execution isn't the best. He's the epitome of "cool motive, still kidnapping".

I am glad that you like Draco though! He's not always a character I like, but I think in CS we get to see a more softer side of him, particularly when he's with Hermione, and I'm glad I made the decision early on to write him that way. (And him and Hadrian are hilarious. Their asshole energy is amplified when in close proximity and it's what they deserve 😂).

Hadrian's character arc in general is something I'm really proud of in the story - he goes through such a wild ride, and comparing him to where he was in the beginning, it's really obvious the changes he's undergone! His core traits stay the same, but he gets more...real in a way. Less a cut-out doing his mother's will and more an individual.

As for Jacob - yeah. Look. Boy fucked up, and it was funny to watch the flip in people's attitude towards him in the story over time 😂 he screwed Hadrian over, but objectively he's also such a minor thing in the grand scheme of things. They're relationship is an interesting one to be sure!

And Hadrian and Riddle!! I'm so excited to see how you react to them and how their interactions change over the course of the story!! In the beginning they're such a mess - and while they're still a mess 40 chapters later, they're a more coordinated and understanding mess 😂

(I honestly forgot some of their earlier scenes, and the whole 'Hadrian sleeping in his office' which is so dumb because it was ICONIC 😭)

THE FIRST TASK!! God, what a throwback hahaha - Hadrian really got a chance to shine there right before I smacked him down 🤣 And Riddle is an opportunistic little prick, isn't he? I think 'the empty' is a cool way to label it! It really is the ultimate 'empty your mind' defence against intruders!

And the identity reveal - I remember so many being so shocked that I did it so early in the story! And the angry is there but they get better! I promise!

I also like that you highlight Lily going to Petunia. They are the definition of Complex Siblings imo - so thank you! I'm glad you liked that little glimpse at their relationship! And don't feel silly about the Sirius-is-Abernathy reveal. For the longest time I wasn't sure who in the Order I actually wanted him to be, so it took me a while to land on Sirius.

But again - THANK YOU!!!! I love reading these! And it makes me so happy to get to read your thoughts as you go through the story and what pieces you pick up on!

[soundsofastar]

👀 character thoughts?? i am listening..

OK. OH MY GOD. OK.OK highly unexpected from me but i really wanna get into KATSUKI BAKUGOU FROM BNHA OF PEOPLE. but PLEASE just fucking hear me out i've held these thoughts with me since i was like 12 or something. Long ramble about Angry characters and their fandomification under the cut. Part 2 on netzach lobcorp if people want it enough

Big sigh. Ho boy. I have. A lot to say about thus little idiot highschooler /lovingly

Bakugou is a very interestingly written character especially of the angry/extreme ones i see, and a pretty realistic one at that. I say this as someone who can see myself in him a LOT.

Keep in mind I'm an anime only and only rewatched it about half a year ago and quit near the school festival arc!!! So this might be a bit off if you also wanna add in recent facts.

Now that the disclaimer's over, let's get started, shall we?

Bakugou is ab a highschooler's age. A bully towards the protagonist of the series (izuku), who I also have a lot of feelings about but this isn't about him sorry. Highschooler who bullies Izuku, indirectly motivating izuku to be better as he aspires to be like bakugou — who .. in the start of the series, is only really shown to be the worst to izuku but I'm inclined to say that that's kind of just standard high-schooler behavior from my experience. Sure he's a bit rough with his friends, but, he's 16. He's also what one might call an academic weapon, probably also not naturally. Not to mention, he's got a sick ass and powerful quirk. TL,DR; he won out on the genetics lottery — good for him, right?

He's what I say is one of if not the perfect cocktail which makes up a gifted kid. I feel like people forget about this a lot. Gifted kids are okay with school and all until they're suddenly surrounded by people with their same levels, if not higher — they begin to feel threatened, and no longer like the exception. This happens to bakuogu due to him entering U.A high, quite literally the most prestigious one in Japan (no big../s). He quite literally yells out at izuku about how insignificant he's begun feeling ever since izuku seemed to "beat him", or more so, get on his shared level.

Now, I'm not here to excuse him or anything he did for izuku, but I feel that this specific theme caused... way more discourse than it should've. For fucks sake first of all, being 16 is HARD, because you don't know how to feel and everything is changing — and not to mention you already feel so insignificant. Seeing someone who used to be so far below you suddenly be on the same level as you, it not higher, is an IMMENSE punch to the ol' self worth. Even though one might be staying on top of everything — todoroki still surpasses Bakugou, and he stays number 2, but for bakugou that's just not enough, because his whole life He's been number 1 to everyone and anyone. Losing a status as large as that at an age so fragile can be incredibly crushing and it does VILE things to people. You feel all your self worth slip from you. Everything becomes more hard to do. And you just can't help but want to give up.

TL;DR — people forget bakugou is still a TEENAGER. They are Emotional and that's NORMAL and bakugou was especially ESPEEECIALLY realistically written by making him angry. And I think people really need to take a step back and remember that yeah sure his behavior towards izuku isn't justified but his anger should very much be understood

[overlookedfile]

Once I saw you’d be willing to write for Paul, I couldn’t resist! 😆

So my prompt: Paul meets up with his old crush Naomi Jenkins, a short black woman who owns a catering business, after sometime since his divorce. After some liquid courage, he tells her how he feels. Things get real good and spicy from there!

(Hope this is a okay prompt 🥲😅. But if you don’t want to write it, that’s okay! Love your other fics though!)

So first, a huge apology for the delay on this fic. It kept getting away from me and trying to turn into its own thing. Wrangling it back down to a one-shot was...difficult and exhausting. I hope, however, it at least meets parameters.

Pairing: Paul Weller / Naomi Jenkins (OFC) Rating: Explicit Warnings: mentions of physical violence, alcohol, m/f smut

Approx. Reading Time - 13 minutes (200 words/minute)

Tags: @randomfandomtrash28​ @nothingbutyourchains

~

Paul shifted again in the chair, hunching forward over the documents on the low table. He should've been looking at them from the relative comfort of his hotel room, but his neighbors were inconsiderate. Not that his current lack of a sex life was their problem; he just wished they weren't quite so vocal. It reminded him of too many things, particularly how Eleanor's appreciation of his desire had soured, twisting into loud recriminations against his sincerity. All told, they'd lasted barely two years.

Which was how, for the second time in his life, he found himself leaving behind a home, to a woman he thought had loved him, while he started over. The negotiations now in front of him had come at the perfect time; he could delay finding a new place to live so long as work was paying for his lodging.

"Paul?!"

His head snapped up in surprise. Across the lobby's sitting area, an African American woman was regarding him with wide eyes and a disbelieving grin. Her long hair was pulled back, as dark as ever he remembered, and her figure was still that compact hourglass he'd spent too many sleepless nights imagining between his hands. Lord, it didn't look like she'd aged a day.

"Naomi?!" He echoed her tone of pleasant surprise as he stood. "It's been...how have you been?"

"I've been good." Now assured she hadn't misrecognized the man, she approached. "I thought- well, nevermind. What are you doing here?"

"Work." He shrugged, gesturing as he set the paper in his hands among its brethren. "There's always someone unhappy when it comes to unions."

"I heard you were some big shot negotiator. Weren't you pre-law, though? What happened?"

"I was, but life doesn't always go according to plan. It was a great foundation for this, though. What about you? What are you doing here?"

"I live here. Well, not here-here. You know what I mean. I run a catering business these days." Her smile of pride was infectious before it mellowed to wryness. "The hotel's kitchen is under renovation and I was hoping we could come to a mutually beneficial arrangement, but I don't think the meeting went very well."

His brow furrowed. "Why is that?"

"For one thing, they don't want to pay enough."

Naomi found herself taking the seat opposite Paul as the man lowered himself back to his own. The conversation continued while she took the opportunity to look him over. She almost hadn't recognized him, too enamored by "handsome man with a beard" at first to look much closer, but she'd know those doe eyes anywhere.

He was larger than he'd been in college. The size gave him an air of dependability he'd been lacking back then, a pleasant improvement over the seemingly frantic beanpole of a young man she'd once known. She listened to him lay out a number of conversation points she could take with her into a second meeting, all based on the details she'd shared a few minutes before, and found herself trying to recall why she hadn't given him the time of day all those years ago. Surely there had been clues he would turn into the clever, attractive man she saw now.

The topic found a natural culmination and she graced him with a smile. Not difficult to do, considering. "Have you had lunch, yet?"

"Uh." Paul glanced toward the closed restaurant. "No. As you pointed out, they're closed and this morning's meeting ran long."

"That's okay. I think I know a good place." She stood and so did he. "That is, if you've got time?"

While neither of them had much in the way of free time, it somehow became easier to meet up when they reasoned that they both needed to eat anyway. It was all too easy for her to give him a culinary tour of the city while they reminisced together about life. Over Jamaican Jerk Chicken, they laughed about Adam's attempted tyranny in the college's art department. They tempered the sting of failed relationships with the warmth of the best Salvadoran empanadas. It was alongside the Ethiopian Beef Kitfo, however, where she waxed bitterly poetic about the food critic whose review had gotten her fired from one of the best restaurants in the country and nearly ended her career.

Later, she couldn't be sure if it was the honey wine or his honeyed compliments, praising her resourcefulness and subsequent success, that had led her thoughts to wild places. Places with barely sufficient lighting where warmth could blossom into heat. It was just as likely the culprit was the text messages her friends had started sending after the first meal, taking keen note of her dining companion and the way she apparently "lit up"- her friends' words, not hers- during their conversations.

When did you get you an Old Man?

Girl, if he ain't taken he's about to be. Jump on that before I do.

Wish he'd devour me like that naan. Hot damn.

So she took a leap of faith and made reservations at one of the nicest places in the city, the sort of upscale dining that only the rich ate at regularly and the romantically inclined desperately hoped would impress their dates. She could acknowledge, at least to herself, that she was firmly in the latter category. It was a shame that even she couldn't wrangle a reservation any earlier than his last night in town.

For Paul, it all led to sitting in the hotel bar, the one part of the restaurant not closed for the remodel, cursing himself for being a fool. The temptation to cancel his flight was eating away at him. He already had his phone in hand, the confirmation pulled up and staring accusingly at him. Just a few little clicks was all it would take. But what kind of idiot would move to be near a woman after a mere week? Him, of course. He had almost moved to New York for Eleanor; at least Colorado had prettier views.

He blinked at the amber liquid in his glass, expression clouding with regret and shame. Had he not learned his lesson? How many times was he going to get his heart broken before he figured out that he was the problem? Ex-wife and ex-girlfriend, they'd both thrown the same arguments at him: that he was meek when they needed strength and demanding when they needed compassion. He had tried to change, to navigate their moods as best he could, but it hadn't been enough. The first relationship had lasted over a decade before failing, then limped along for roughly the same. The next: two years, measured generously. If the degradation of tolerance for his flaws was linear, how long would this relationship last? Three months, maybe?

He sighed and lifted his eyes to the entryway. How long he waited, he wasn't sure, mindlessly lifting the glass to his lips and periodically gesturing for a refill. When she finally did appear, it took his breath.

Wrapped around her in folds of golden warmth like the petals of a sunflower, the dress swayed as she walked, dancing about her ankles and parting to reveal glimpses of calf or thigh as she made her way toward him. Her radiant smile inspired his heart to twice, no, ten times its usual effort. Lightheaded, he could only watch her approach with awe.

Old memories encroached, overlaying the moment like a projection image through time. Twice before he had watched a woman walk his way in such a manner and twice before he had made a gesture for which he was physically rebuked. A third time and he would know, wouldn't he? That there was no future for him in Colorado?

He threw back the last of his whiskey- for luck, he told himself, though he really meant courage- and closed the distance between them with long, quick strides. With his hands around her arms, he pulled her close and captured her lips with his own. Every ounce of hope and passion he could muster, he poured into the touch. Even when she kissed back as fervently, her fingers curling into his pants pockets, he kept his eyes tightly shut, waiting for the inevitably violent response.

She pulled away first, faintly laughing as she tried to catch her breath. "Wow. You sure know how to greet a woman." The realization that he still hadn't opened his eyes, his expression pinched and expectant, dampened her amusement. "What's wrong?"

"Just...waiting."

"For what?"

"The slap."

Was he joking with her? He must be, surely. "Open your eyes." She lifted one hand to his face, cradling his cheek with her palm, and he finally did. "Paul, any woman who slaps you after a kiss like that needs her head examined." She playfully chided, "However, I might reconsider if you don't kiss me again."

He complied at once, enfolding her properly in his arms as her fingers interlaced behind his neck. If he'd thought he'd lost track of time before, it utterly abandoned him then. All that mattered was her warmth, her touch. The puffs of air they shared between them in an effort to prolong the kiss were themselves caresses of desire.

"Oh, my sweet, giddy aunt," she panted. Again, Naomi had been the first to pull away. She grinned up at him, a little dazed. "You, sir, are rapidly earning yourself an invitation to my place tonight."

His own smile was more than a little uncertain. "I'm not going too fast, am I?"

She laughed, full-throated now that her lungs were working again. "How old are we? I think we're a little past the stage where we have to follow some teenager's checklist of how relationships are supposed to progress."

At last, elation suffused him, burying the dread of a stinging cheek. He couldn't resist one more kiss. It was gentler than the previous ones, less urgent since it was guided by affection rather than desperation, and he retreated from it first.

"Shall we go on to dinner?" he inquired softly.

"Well, that depends." She ran her hands down the lapels of his jacket, lowering her chin so that she might look up at him through her lashes. "What kind of hunger would you like to sate first?"

The hummingbird-fast beat of his heart must have reflected in his eyes because her gaze darkened with mischief and she caught his hands in both of hers, tugging him toward the front doors. He went willingly. It was a hundred college fantasies all over again as he followed her into a cab. He had matured in the years since then, but still, he dared to slide his fingers along the inside of her teasingly bared knee. Far from upset, she boldly drew his hand higher and covered his touch with a fold of her dress to obscure their indiscretion from the driver.

So when they came to an unexpected halt halfway up her front walk, Paul was confused. He had made her tremble almost violently on the way over, her thighs crushing his hand as she buried her face behind his shoulder to muffle the sounds of her excitement. Now she pulled him back to her, all but climbing into his arms in the fading light of a long summer's day as they kissed.

"What's wrong?" he murmured, bowing under the pressure of her hand to litter a string of kisses across her throat.

"Nothing." She hummed, head tilting back as her eyes closed. "I just wanted to show off for the neighbors. Let them see the handsome, charming man I've brought home."

It was a glorious thing to feel pride and embarrassment swell together in his chest, his smile broadening uncontrollably as he lifted her up. Not missing a beat, she laughed and wrapped her legs around him, running her fingers through his hair as they grinned at each other. She felt light as a feather in his grip.

"To hell with the neighbors," she decided. He agreed.

He had to set her down for a moment in order for them to get through the door, but the moment they crossed the threshold he swept her up again. Stumbling only a little, they made their way through the house and he laid her upon the bed. He thought to hold his weight off of her as he crawled forward, but she had other ideas, drawing him down so that their bodies were as close as clothing allowed. When that was no longer enough, the feel of him grinding against her as tormenting as it was pleasurable, she gave a forceful push against his shoulders, directing him onto his knees.

Their clothes fell to the floor haphazardly, interrupted by the constant exploration of newly revealed skin. His hands and mouth worshipped her curves with the most gentle of attention. She kissed and nibbled and stroked with eagerness. By the time they had become fully bared to each other, they were both breathless and impatient.

"Wait. Wait!" He gave a pained groan, pressing his head back amongst the pillows as he held her off of him. "I don't have a condom."

"Fuck. Just-" She nearly tumbled from the bed, saved at the last minute by his hands at her waist, as she fumbled through the nightstand drawer. Finding what she wanted, she carelessly emptied a box of foil packets across the bed. "There. Take your pick."

Laughter rumbled through him. "I think maybe you're overestimating me if you're expecting to need that many."

"Let's start with one and see where we end up." She grabbed a packet at random and tore it open with her teeth, grinning in response to the helpless moan her action conjured from him.

She was still soaked from his efforts in the taxi and the stretch as she sank down onto him was perhaps the most sinful thing she'd ever imagined. His length filled her deliciously, just shy of painful and faintly grazing her cervix as her hips came to rest against his. For a moment, it was almost too much, almost enough to send her over the edge, but Paul didn't dare move, fighting to hold back his own reaction to her engulfing heat. He shivered beneath her hands, braced against him as they were since her knees barely reached the mattress to either side of his hips, and he focused on her face. The way her eyes were half-lidded, her lips silently parted, her breasts heaving as she strove for deep, calming breaths: he was enraptured by the signs of her pleasure.

Moving together, his hips rolling up to meet her, her thighs quivering as she rhythmically flexed around him, they let the pleasure build with a certain languor. He caressed the side of her face, the elegant lines of her body, seeking to commit the moment to memory. She smiled down at him, relishing the way his chest dented beneath her fingers, his fingers sending a thousand jolts of pleasure through her clit as she rubbed against him, clenched around him.

Floating in the afterglow, she drifted to sleep curled up at his side. The morning sun sneaking in through the curtains, warm and gentle, woke her the same way. She stretched, feeling indulgent beneath the soft linens, and pressed a kiss against her lover's shoulder. He stirred and blinked awake, a smile curving his lips.

"Morning," he rumbled quietly.

"Good morning." She curled her fingers through his chest hair. "When's your flight?"

That brought a sigh from him. "It takes off at three."

She picked up one of the unopened condoms that still littered the bed and dangled it in front of him. "Do you have to be on it?"

~

[littlemoondarling]

An honest brainstorming session about trying to figure out why I've been so horrible at communicating with my friends lately

I feel like from the last quarter of 2023 till now there has been a noticable shift in the way my friendships have been going, people who I used to talk to daily have almost fully disappeared, only being chatted with once or twice a month. The kind of banter and smooth conversations that we used to have ar gone. At first I thought it might be them, but now after it's happened to the fourth friend I have been faced with the reality that I am, indeed, the common denominator, especially with one of my best friends doing everything in their power and more to keep our friendship going (which is so much more than I deserve given how dry and just shitty I have been to them)

I want to know why, why did this happen? Because I genuinely enjoy talking to these people, I mean there is a reason why we have been friends for years!

I think one of the reasons is my increased anxiety and paranoia, as whenever I'm talking to anyone it has been getting increasingly more difficult to ignore the voice that tells me that I am talking too much, talking too little, being too annoying, being too boring, being weird, being bland, etc etc

And when you are overthinking every single message that you send and receive, it becomes nearly impossible to have natural banter and not interrupt the flow of the convo.

Another reason I think is my loneliness and my desperation for attention, yes this is very embarrassing to admit but alas it's not like I have any sort of dignity left. I sometimes feel like I'm not given enough (keep in mind that just because I feel something doesn't make it true) like the enthusiasm and curiosity that I express when they are talking about their projects and lives is almost never met with the same amount from them when I'm talking about mine. That makes me feel a bit bitter when talking to certain people, now a better person would either work on the root cause of this problem within themselves or communicate the issue to the other person, but unfortunately I'm no good at that.

Another thing that is much more easy to understand is that my depression has been sucking the life out of me, my brain is being left fuzzy and confused more times than not, so much so that even thinking of a topic to talk about is just off the table some days. And my energy is so low that chatting is exhausting to me, not to mention audio messages which spike my anxiety and take so so much energy to listen to.

Idk what the point of this was as I've reached the end with no solutions, I suppose I just wanted some place to puke out my thoughts on.

Tldr, if you're one of my friends and you notice that I've been much more distant and off, it's not your fault, it's a combination of issues that should've been dealt with ages ago but are now so wrapped and crumpled together that they seem impossible to work through.... so this problem might stay for a while... just know that I genuinely appreciate talking to you and deeply enjoy it even if it doesn't really seem like it after what I said but just believe me ok?

[feralbeeast]

I don't know what else to do so I'm gonna rant on here since so one really sees my posts anyways.

.

.

.

I'm never going to be enough, for anyone or anything. I'm always going to be a burden whether it be emotionally, mentally, or financially. I dont believe my loved ones when they say im not a burden because i know it isnt true, ive relied on things and people to make me "ok" my entire life. I burnt myself out before I even made it to adulthood and I don't know how to cope, prescription meds made me so fucking sick and vile I don't want and can't afford to go back to that again. The only coping mechanisms I have are isolation and weed, and neither of those are healthy but I guess it's better than self harming or just giving in. And sometimes those don't even work because of how exhausted I am in every. single. way. I'm too tired to keep living like this. I can't be responsible for myself how am i supposed to be responsible for others on top of struggling with myself. Im trying my god damned best and it will never be good enough for the people around me. That's not their fault but Jesus fuxking Christ I need something to change. No matter what happens I'm going to be fuxked, a wreck. And I can't do anything to stop that I just have to accept it and try my best to work with it. I will always hate myself and I've given up on me a very long time ago, but for those I love I will suffer until I physically can't anymore so they dont have to suffer as much. I wish people could see how much I do, how much I try, how much i care and understand.. and if the people I love do read this please don't blame yourself, this is all my fault and my burden to bare. I wish this world was kinder but this is the reality we live in and it's not changing anytime soon, in fact it's getting worse. Especially for people like me who is mentally ill, trans nonbinary, pansexual, and neurodivergent. This society was not meant for me and it never will be I have accepted that a long time ago. Maybe it's better off If I'm just gone. Everything this world has put me through should've killed me a long time ago, im jealous of the dead. I just want everything to stop so I can breathe. And I feel so fucking selfish for even thinking about killing myself but it's always there it's always the backup for me and it always will be, I've tried so fucking hard to be okay for the sake of my partner my cat and my family but im so fucking tired. Sometimes I think about how better off everyone would be if I stayed the "perfect quiet little girl" I was before I stood up for myself and left the overly abusive household I was in. I graduated high school out of spite of my family because they all thought I couldn't do it or I was gonna turn into a druggie like my parents were when they were my age. I'm so fucking jealous that my dad got to escape this world when he did and I wish he took me with him. I'm just, done. I've been living for other people my entire life not one minute of my life was spent just for me and I don't even know how to feel about that, I feel selfish for even wanting to live for me and I feel like an idiot for thinking I even possibly could. I'm going insane and there's nothing anyone can do except watch me burn. I have mourned me almost my whole life, the me you see now is not who I am. I lost myself the day I had to grow up and raise myself before I was even in school.

I wish I had somewhat a normal childhood, I wish I could've enjoyed the time I had. I will never get that time back or those people.