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#i just get that disabled adult allowance every month
tinylittlebab · 2 years
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bleh everything SUCKS
#sisters stupid freind/both our roommate is HORRIBLE#hes so controlling and decided hes in charge of of her#she bought a fish. something that doesnt affect him in the slightest. and hes furious with her#hes like. saying it will cause issues in their friendship if she doesnt get rid of it. hes not even saying that its a problem because he#doenst wanna deal with it bc he has acknowledged that it doesnt affect him. hes angry bc he thinks it was impulsive and irrisposible#which like 1. it wasnt and shes beentalking about getting one for years and can probably afford and take care of it and 2. even uf it was#its not a decision that affects him so he has no right. shes an adult who can make her own choices even if theyre are bad ones#hes so mean to her all the time and demands all her time. talks down all her friends. insults her for wanting a relationship. refuses to#listen to any of her problems or support her and refuses to let her talk about any of her interests he doesnt share either#talks down every hobby she has. calls all of it stupid and a waste of money even though he soends SO much money on clothes all the time#and he gets angry with her when she isnt into the stuff he is (mostly shows). even when she agrees to watch it with him he gets angry if#she isnt as into it as she is. hes just decided theyre in a relationship which means shes not allowed to pursue anyone but he is also not#interested in her in the way she wants. he insults her for wanting anything more out of a relationship bc hes content without it rn#hes awful. i hate him. i dont wanna live with him another year. i dont want her to lose him totally bc theyve been freinds for so long and#she really cares about him but fucking hell. they should NOT live together. gonna apply to some places. this lease ends in 3-4 months so#theres not much time for me to adjust but if im adjusted in time then maybe we will go get an apartment just us 2#and then maybe she can get a fucking support dog like she needs bc shes disabled but he refuses to let her get
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kunaigirl · 1 year
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Happy Disability Pride and awareness month! Let's talk about Epilepsy!
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Hi there! I got tired of seeing my condition (that impacts my literal every day life) being left out or forgotten about during discussions about disabilities, so I made my own post about it! Let's go!
First Off! What the heck is epilepsy? Epilepsy is the fourth most common neurological disorder in the world, and it's a chronic medical condition. Epilepsy is a brain disorder that causes recurring, frequent, triggered, and unprovoked seizures to occur.
The official Epilepsy Foundation describes seizures as follows: "Seizures are sudden surges of abnormal and excessive electrical activity in your brain, and can affect how you appear or act. Where and how the seizure presents itself can have profound effects...Seizures involve sudden, temporary, bursts of electrical activity in the brain that change or disrupt the way messages are sent between brain cells. These electrical bursts can cause involuntary changes in body movement or function, sensation, behavior or awareness." (Source link)
Sounds like a lot of fun right? This is our life. Even with medication, we can be VERY limited to what can be safe for us. Seizure medications are NOT a cure, they only exist (at least as of now) as a tool to help have your seizures less often, or be triggered less intensely. Even on medication, seizures can still happen.
If you have epilepsy as a child like I did, it impacts your entire growing and developing experience. I spent MANY times as a child in and out of hospitals, neurologist and specialist offices, an getting so many EEG tests done. The pain of scrubbing the glue out of your hair for DAYS is horrible.
At a young age my seizures were so frequent and serious, it impacted my brain's ability to retain information. I had to re-learn the names of things at age 8 and 9. I had to re-learn HOW TO READ at age 10. I had to be home schooled because the public school system of my state at the time refused to work with me. I have VERY distinct and vivid memories of crying over my little baby ABC's book that I needed as a 4th and 5th grader. I knew I should've known this by this age. I knew that at one point I already did, and it was TAKEN FROM ME.
As an adult, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE A CAR. And I can NEVER go to see a movie in theaters or go to see concerts or live music. There are entire TV shows I don't get to see. I can't go to clubs, arcades, dances, or raves. I miss out on A LOT of fun things. I always do, and I'm WELL AWARE of the fun I'm missing out on. The social, casual, and fun life experiences I'll never get to have. That WE'LL never get to have. And oh yeah! Seizures can KILL SOME OF US. Yep.
And the list goes on, and every person with epilepsy experiences it differently. There are multiple different types of seizures you can have, they're NOT always convulsing on the floor. For example, I have complex-partial-myoclonic-seizures. Meaning my muscles DO twitch when I have seizures, but I'm not always completely unconscious and sometimes I'm even able to stay sitting up. However, I'm still very "off" and can't focus or remember much for a good while after the fact. I can't talk or communicate during one, even with my slight bit of consciousness.
My experiences are not universal, I just wanted to talk about it and bring it up. It helps to talk about it even a little bit. Here's more about different kinds of seizures. Here's more about common seizure triggers. Here's more about CORRECT seizure first aid. And here's more general information/resources.
Please stop leaving us out of disability awareness. Please stop ignoring us or saying we're "not really disabled" or anything else like that. Please. Why does it always feel like the only people who care about epilepsy, are people WITH epilepsy? We're so tired of being ignored by others who don't have our condition.
If you're an epileptic person reading this, I see you. I love you. You're so strong, we all are. I believe in you, I believe in us. We're so much stronger than we get credit for, and it's going to be ok. Your anger and frustration are valid. Your emotions and struggles are real. You're valid, and I see you. Hang in there, we got this.
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heavyhitterheaux · 2 years
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Hear My Heart
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AN: everyone deserves to be loved no matter what
Synopsis: You've had a disability since you were eight years old and never knew if true love would ever exist for you until you met someone named Jack
Pairing: Jack Harlow x Hearing Impaired!Reader
Requested by: my ✨️ anon 💖
Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere
You were startled by your manager Denise tapping you on your shoulder as you were trying to make sure everything was ready for the night for whoever the guest performer was. You didn't bother to look at the flier or any of the advertisements, but everyone seemed to be excited. Scrolling through your phone an hour ago, you saw that the performer would be Jack Harlow and he would have a mini residency for the next three weeks in Miami.
You were excited and didn’t stop talking your ear off to your best friend McKenzie ever since you found out.
Of course she looked at you dumbfounded but remembered that you had been living under a rock for the past two months. 
As you looked up, Denise's mouth was moving, but when you didn't respond, she immediately rolled her eyes and that's when you turned your hearing aids back up to hear her.
"Pumpkin! You have got to stop turning down your hearing aids!" She exclaimed while throwing her hands up in the air. 
This wasn’t the first time and it definitely wouldn’t be the last. 
"It was getting too loud." You said while shrugging as you looked around at multiple people who were also setting up for the night.
"You do realize you work in a nightclub, correct? There's bound to be some type of noise. And what if there is an emergency when you do that?!"
Denise was your Godmother and your mother's best friend and the two of you were inseparable just how they were when they were younger. Your parents were hesitant about you leaving home in Georgia and living on your own in a completely different state and environment and only allowed you to go if you lived near your Godparents and worked at their nightclub.
The parents were not taking no for an answer
You knew to be careful, you felt like your hearing was fading by the day and soon you wouldn't be able to hear at all.
Doesn't really work out well for people who dream of being a performer.
So this is the closest that you would get to making that a reality.
You were a local favorite who would perform covers as well as original songs every Friday. Everyone knew you and loved your voice and it took your mind off of the reality of what was to come. It had been awhile since you did it, but was thinking of getting back into it soon.
Besides, you didn’t know how much longer that you would be able to hear. 
But day in and day out, you would stress your Godmother out to no end and she never let you forget it. 
"I'll keep them turned on for the rest of the night to make you happy." You answered while being sarcastic.
"Y/N, I'm serious. If something happens to you, your parents will kill me."
"I'm 23 years old and I am tired of being treated like this little fragile thing! I'm an adult and I have a disability that I have had to adapt to and be okay with since I was eight years old but I'm NOT helpless!" You said placing the last box on the table and making your way out of the room with Denise calling after you.
"Pumpkin! Baby girl! I didn't mean to upset you… I just…"
You quickly made your way to the bathroom and dabbed at the corners of your eyes to catch the tears in order for you not to mess up your makeup.
This was the argument that would happen between your parents and now your Godmother at least once a month. You understood why they were so protective over you, but you almost felt as if they were suffocating you. 
You thought the move to Miami would be refreshing, but you were quickly growing tired of it and was deciding if you were going to pack up in the middle of the night and disappear. 
All four of them would have the FBI looking for you within an hour.
Your Godfather David was a bit more lenient and understanding when it came to you and that had been the case ever since you were little.
When you came up with an idea of wanting to try something new, he always had to talk them into letting you do it.
You just sighed while fixing your dress and looking at your phone.
It was now getting close to 10 pm and people would be arriving soon since Jack was due to perform around 11. 
The only highlight about your night was that you got to see Jack Harlow and then you would be able to go home and stuff your face with pizza rolls.
Until then, you would just hang out at the bar with your best friend McKenzie who you had convinced to make the move with you.
The two of you had known each other since you were six years old when you shared your 64 pack of Crayola crayons with her and wouldn’t let anyone else touch them.
Inseparable ever since.
She helped you through your diagnosis when the two of you were only eight even if she couldn’t quite understand what was happening and never left your side.
You made your way over to the bar to see her already starting to mix drinks for eager customers. After she had finished serving them, she turned to you.
“What’ll it be, bestie?”
“Anything to take the edge off of wanting to jump off the nearest cliff.”
“Pumpkin, come on. It can’t be that bad.”
“But it is Kenzie! They never allow me to do anything and I’m just so tired of it.”
“I get it, but they want to protect you.”
“I can be protected without being smothered and I can literally feel her eyes in the back of my head right now.”
Sure enough when Mckenzie looked up she saw Denise looking at you with concern in her eyes.
“They love you and only want the best for you just like I do. I mean I did move to Miami for you.”
“You moved to Miami to be close to the beach and find you a girlfriend so please stop lying and telling me that you did this for me because I will turn down my hearing aids and it’ll be like you’re talking to a wall.”
“PUMPKIN! DO NOT START!”
“Too late.”
Mckenzie just rolled her eyes before setting an amaretto sour in front of you which you slowly started to sip on.
“Appreciate you.”
“Bitch, where the fuck is my tip?”
“Up my ass, now give me another one.”
All McKenzie did was raise her eyebrows at you.
“PLEASE.”
“Thought so.”
Just then it was announced that Jack would be coming to the stage and you decided to turn up your hearing aids a little bit higher and McKenzie noticed. 
“Oh, so you can turn them on for Jack, but not your best friend?”
“You started to annoy me so I turned them down. Jack doesn’t annoy me.”
“I’m going to kick your ass once we leave here.”
It was the middle of Jack’s performance when McKenzie had nudged you and you turned to look over at her.
“Hmm?”
“He’s staring at you.”
“Who?!”
“Jack is.”
“No he isn’t…. Wait…. Is he really? Is there something on my face? Did one of my lashes fall off? Is there something in my teeth?”
“No, you look gorgeous as always. I just feel like he’s been looking an awful lot in your direction during his set, truth be told since he hit the stage.”
“McKenzie, did you smoke without me today? Because it’s giving delusional.”
“No, because I didn’t buy anymore since we smoked it all last night and it’s true!”
“Hmm.”
“But you’re off limits anyway.”
“Says who?!”
“Says me. No one is going to get to you without those two approving anyway and he’s doing a residency here?”
“Kenzie, I’m a grown ass woman who is able to make decisions for herself.”
“I completely agree so this leads into my next question, how much do you want to bet that by the end of the night he’ll ask you for your number?”
“Kenzieeeee!”
“What?! Come on 50 dollars! You can bet me 50 dollars!”
Jack’s set had been over for about fifteen minutes when you suddenly felt someone sit down next to you at the bar. You didn’t pay it any mind until McKenzie looked up from wiping down the bar and her eyes went wide. 
You looked at her dumbfounded until you heard his voice and immediately stopped your movements.
“What are you drinking, pretty girl? Mind if I buy you another one?” You turned to see that Jack was in fact talking to you and you felt your heart speed up at a ridiculous rate.
“Um, amaretto sour.” 
He simply handed McKenzie his card while not breaking eye contact with you.
“So does the pretty girl have a pretty name to go along with it?” Jack curiously asked you and you were doing everything in your power in order not to look crazy in front of him. You felt like you were about to have a heart attack at this very moment.
“Y/N. But my friends call me Pumpkin.”
“Nice to meet you, Y/N, I’m Jack.”
“Nice to meet you too.”
“Couldn’t help but to notice you over here during my set and I wanted to get to know you better if you’d let me. Since only your friends call you pumpkin, I want to be able to call you that too and maybe more.”
McKenzie was watching this entire exchange unfold and she was hoping that you would say yes while trying to also not mess up anyone’s drink order.
Your last relationship didn’t end well and you had just about turned into a hermit ever since which bothered her to no end. As much as she wanted for you to get back out there, you refused. 
“I’d like that.”
The two of you exchanged numbers with Jack promising to text you before the night was over.
You turned back to McKenzie and she eagerly smiled at you and slid your drink towards you. 
“You owe me 50 dollars.”
You and Jack had been getting to know each other just about every day he didn’t have a show and it was a breath of fresh air spending time with him. It was almost as if the two of you didn’t just meet, but had known each other for years. 
The two of you were now at your favorite hole in the wall taco place and you put your curly hair up into a ponytail so that nothing would get into your food.
This was the first time that you thought Jack had noticed your hearing aids and you could tell he was looking over at you with curiosity as you took a nacho into your mouth.
“So, are you going to ask me?”
“Ask you what?” Jack responded while stealing one of your nachos.
You simply pointed to your hearing aids and Jack simply shrugged.
“You’ve been staring at me since I put my hair up. Aren’t you curious? It seems like everyone is when they see me with them.”
“I'm staring at you because I think you're pretty and why does it matter? I figured you would tell me when you were ready to and besides I saw that you had them when we met. Still didn’t stop me from wanting to talk to you and it doesn’t now.”
“I didn’t think you did.”
“I’m very observant. Especially when it comes to things that I like.”
“Oh, and I’m guessing you like me?” You asked while fluttering your eyelashes and Jack couldn’t help but to do anything but laugh.
“This is our fourth date, isn’t it? That should tell you something.”
“It is. And good because I like you too.”
It was quiet for a few seconds before you continued to talk.
“I started losing my hearing when I was eight. Different doctors, different specialists, no one could do anything about it. And they told me it would get to a point where I wouldn’t be able to hear at all anymore. Kind of sucks for a girl who wanted to be an entertainer, but my parents set me up with learning sign language then because eventually I’ll have to use it. I do that as a side hustle, signing for people at different events around Miami.”
“Thank you for telling me that, I know that it has to be difficult at times.”
“It is, but I have an advantage that not a lot of other people have. When I’m tired of listening to the outside world, I simply turn them off.” 
“If we ever get into a disagreement, I take it that would be your go to strategy?”
“No, I think you’re too cute for me to stay mad at. My parents on the other hand are a different story.” 
“So, your new girlfriend is deaf?” Urban asked while looking over at his best friend.
“No, she can hear but she told me it almost sounds like background noise so she can't distinguish who's talking, but she wears hearing aids to help. But doctors have told her that eventually it will get to the point where she won’t be able to hear anymore. And she’s not my girlfriend, not yet anyway.”
“I definitely noticed that first night how you kept staring at her. And the two of you have gone on like six dates, what’s the hold up? Does she know sign language?”
“Just want to take my time and get to know her and she does.”
“Hmm, I wonder if she can teach me how to cuss people out.”
“URB!”
“What?! What I say?”
“You wonder if who can teach you how to do what?” Neelam asked while coming into the room and looking at the two of them. 
“Jack’s new girlfriend is deaf and knows sign language. While partially deaf I should say. You know short girl with the curly hair who he has now been spending more time with than me.”
“Damn, Urb just throw the whole damn tree at this point with all the shade.” Jack said while laughing.
“Urban, you are already a menace, she doesn’t need to teach you anything. And don’t you think Jack gets tired of looking at your ass all the time?”
“WHY NOT?! AND NO I’M NOT! AND NO HE DOESN’T!” Urban exclaimed and Jack stifled a laugh. 
“Knowing her she would probably do it too. She already turns down her hearing aids if her parents start to get on her nerves, godparents included.” Jack added while shaking his head.
“So, when am I properly going to meet her? Her godparents own the club, right?”
“They do and you can meet her tonight. She’s just about always there.”
“Her friend she’s always with is cute too.”
“And her friend is also a lesbian so keep it moving.”
“Oh, I respect it. Does she have any more friends?”
“I’ll ask.”
Jack sent you a quick text to let you know that Urban wanted to meet you. He figured that he would start with him first before introducing you to the rest of PG.
Curly Haired White Boy- Y/N, my best friend wants to meet you tonight
You- if it’s Urban tell him my requirements are for him to bring a blunt to share
Curly Haired White Boy- Why am I not surprised? Lmaooo
You- I mean that’s the only proper way to meet someone right?
Curly Haired White Boy- Since when?!?
You- idk since forever?
Curly Haired White Boy- I’ll be sure to tell him. He’s excited to meet you. Also wanted to know if you had any other friends besides McKenzie?
You- I have associates. Closest one is Camille, however she has baby mama drama. The other is Alexis. She sells drugs.
Curly Haired White Boy- Wait, what!?
You- She was with this girl, they got married, had a kid with a sperm donor that she carried, now going through a divorce when she realized she wanted her wife’s boss who is a guy. Oh and he’s the actual baby daddy because she cheated. Sperm donor my ass.  I would never subject your best friend to that dumpster fire on wheels. Oh and Alexis is a pharmacy tech. She sells drugs the legal way. He might like her. I’ll put in a word for him. 
Curly Haired White Boy- Oh, um okay then
You- Can’t wait to see you tonight, I’ll be sure to wear your favorite color
Curly Haired White Boy- Can’t wait to see you
You got to the club a little later than the time you told Jack that you would be here, but when you were finally in his line of sight, he made his way over to you with who you assumed was Urban in tow.
And as promised, you were wearing one of your newest dresses that happened to be a deep purple along with a simple pair of black heels. 
“Hey babe. You look gorgeous.” Jack greeted you as he leaned down to kiss you and you quickly hugged him.
“Hey, thank you, sorry I’m late, misplaced one of my hearing aids and it had actually fallen in the trash can in the bathroom and took me about 45 minutes to find so yeah but I’m here and oh you must be the infamous Urban that I hear so much about?”
“Wait, how did you lose them?” Jack asked while looking at you and you just shrugged.
“I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached. Kenzie yells at me all the time about it.”
“The one and only. He’s only told you good things, right?”
“Define good things.” You said as you raised your eyebrows before laughing.
“HEY! I did only tell you good things!” 
“He did, Urban, you have nothing to worry about. But for now, I actually have to work as much as I don’t want to so head on over to V.I.P. and I’ll come find you later.”
“Okay, don’t work too hard.” Jack said as he leaned down to kiss you once more.
“I promise, I won’t. Besides, if they start to get on my nerves, I’ll just stay in V.I.P. with you the rest of the night.”
“BABE!”
“What?! They better be happy I don’t turn off my hearing aids.”
“You have got to stop doing that.”
You and Jack had now been together for one year and counting and you honestly could not have been happier.
Your parents as well as your godparents absolutely adored him and he was honestly the first boyfriend of yours that they actually liked. Which was surprising. 
And his parents adored you right along with his younger brother Clay.
The long distance did get you sad sometimes, but it would instantly go out of the window when Jack would surprise you when he had small breaks in between appearances. He always told you that you were more than welcome to come with him any time you wanted and that you didn’t have to pay for anything. 
This time, the two of you were laying in Jack’s king sized bed in his house that he just purchased in Louisville. You were convinced that the bed was going to swallow you whole or that you were going to get lost in it because it was so big.
No one told your boyfriend to be 6’3, but here we are.
“Baby girl?” Jack said as he leaned down to kiss your nose.
“Hmm?” You muttered while your eyes were still closed, but held onto Jack tighter. Your flight had gotten in extremely early in the morning and all you wanted to do was sleep. You had been on overdrive the last few days being at the club and also being an ASL interpreter for small events around Miami. 
“I wanted to ask you something.”
“Sure, what’s on your mind?” You said while opening your eyes and looking at him.
“I want you to teach me sign language.”
“Really?” You asked excitedly while getting the biggest smile on your face.
"Well, yeah. I want to always be able to tell you I love you even if it isn't with my voice. I don’t want a day to go by that I’m not able to tell you how much you mean to me."
Your eyes immediately watered and you couldn’t do anything but eagerly nod your head yes.
“Of course I will and I love you too.”
“I just thought about how neither of us know how long you’ll still have your hearing and I want to be prepared.”’
“Thank you for thinking of me.” You quietly said as Jack had wiped away your tears.
“Always, a day never passes when I don’t.”
“I’ll go easy on you to start and then we’ll get into the more complicated things. We’ll start with the alphabet first.”
“Oh, and I should warn you, Urb wants you to teach him cuss words.”
“Shit, say less. But, why am I not surprised?” You said while laughing.
“Can you imagine? Me and Urb going back and forth and only you would know what we were saying?”
“That is about to be hilarious and I cannot wait. How much longer do we have until we go see my parents?”
“Yeah, the parents that love you more than their own biological child.”
“Stop being dramatic. I mean your mom did say she wishes she had a daughter and was very excited that I was dating her big headed son.”
“She did NOT say that last part!” Jack looked at you dumbfounded, but all you could do was laugh. 
“How much you wanna bet!?” 
“Anyway we have about three hours.”
“Oh, I have to start getting ready.”
“Babe? You need three hours to get ready?” Jack asked while pinching your cheek and you immediately swatted his hand away.
“Unless you want us to be late, I suggest that you unhand me.”
“Why do I have to unhand you when we could just save water?”
“Jackman, no funny business.”
“I don’t know what you mean, my love. What is this funny business that you speak of?”
“Knowing you we won’t meet them in three hours, but in six.” You responded while rolling your eyes. 
“And? I don’t see the problem. Just let me put the tip in.”
“Bye, Jackman.” You said while turning away from him and then standing up from the bed.
“So? Is that a yes?”
“It’s ‘a you better come on before I change my mind’.”
“Shit, don’t have to tell me twice. Start the shower and do NOT have it so hot it’s like we’re at the gates of hell like you did last time.”
“Jackman, I will make you shower by yourself if you don’t shut up and stop complaining.”
“Babe, come onnnnn. You were lowkey trying to burn me.”
“I was NOT!” 
“I beg to differ.”
Both of you were now sitting at the dinner table in Jack’s parents house along with Clay and you were excited because Maggie had told you that she bought a new red wine that she thought that you would like.
Brian just finished asking you how you liked Jack’s new house and you said that it needed a few splashes of color and that you would add your touch to it while Jack was rolling his eyes and  you noticed Maggie eyeing you as you started to take a sip of your wine.
“Ma, why do you keep staring at Y/N like that?” Jack asked before laughing.
“Because there’s something different about her.”
“Different how? I changed my hair since the last time you saw me.” You asked as you continued to sip on your wine.
You would definitely be taking the bottle home and would thank Maggie for getting it for you.
“I noticed that when we talked on facetime the other day, not your hair. You’re pregnant.”
“WHAT?!” Jack exclaimed and you immediately got a confused look on your face while Clay simply looked between the two of you.
“No, I’m not.” You said unsure of yourself as you stopped drinking your wine and set the glass back down but not before pouring the rest into Clay’s glass since you were now nervous. 
“Are you sure? The glow is definitely there that people talk about and I can see it. I also had a dream about fish last night. I don’t want to scare you, just a thought.”
That was when you tried to remember when your last period was and you were coming up short. You didn’t even want to look over at Jack at the moment. 
“Sooo, yeah I’ll be back.” Jack said getting up from the table and grabbing his keys while you just sat there staring off into space.
“If you are, I’m glad it’s you that he got pregnant and not his ex-girlfriend because she was a piece of work.” Maggie tried to whisper to you, but of course Brian and Clay heard her.
“MAGGIE!” Brian exclaimed while looking at her but he just shrugged while Clay was laughing. 
“What? I’m telling the truth!”
Curly Haired White Boy- Babe, I’m going to get a pregnancy test for you, I’ll be back
You- Um yeah good idea
Curly Haired White Boy- Don’t be scared baby girl, you have me and I’m not going anywhere
You- Love you big head
Curly Haired White Boy- Love you more
When Jack came back in fifteen minutes, you immediately ran to the bathroom to take the test while Jack was pacing outside the door.
“You’re going to put a hole in the floor if you don’t stop.” Clay said while not even looking at his older brother.
“Can you blame me?!”
“Yes, I can blame you. You were the one who knocked her up.”
“Cut the shit, Clay!”
“I was just saying!”
You had been in there for at least twenty minutes and as soon as Jack was about to knock on the door and see if you were okay, you opened it.
“Baby? What did it say?”
“Looks like we’re about to be somebody’s parents.”
It had been about two months since you found out you were pregnant and you really weren’t showing yet. At first you were excited, a little scared, but excited nonetheless and now reality was setting in. 
Jack had asked you to move in with him and you quickly agreed and of course McKenzie moved to Kentucky right along with you.
Since apparently now her and Urban were a thing.
After she swore off men for the rest of her life, here she was. 
She was convinced that wherever you went, she had to go too.
And you were not going to put up a fight about it either. It helped having her close to you and served as having a little piece of home. 
You made sure to tell your parents as well as godparents what was happening when you had touched down in Kentucky when all of your things were fully moved into the house so they didn’t have anything to say about it or put up a fight.
What were they going to do? Come and get you to bring you back?
They just thought you were visiting Jack more often, but what you were really doing was moving in. 
As of right now, the two of you were in London and Jack had just gotten finished one of his performances and you were in the bathroom doing your nightly routine in order to get ready for bed while Jack was in the bedroom pacing back and forth and debating whether he was going to ask you or not.
Ask you to marry him that is.
He had mentioned to Urban about three months ago about wanting to ask you and he told him to go for it knowing that you weren’t going to say no.
Now every time Urban saw you, he would look at your ring finger, notice it was bare, and then look at Jack and roll his eyes because he was taking so long.
The door was slightly ajar and he could see you so he figured he might as well get it over with before he talked himself out of it.
For the fourth time in the past week. 
“Baby, I wanted to ask you something, but I just want you to listen for a minute. You came into my life when I least expected it and now that you’re in it I can’t see myself without you. When I first saw you, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you and I’ve been obsessed ever since. From the way you laugh, our shared love for pizza, the way you care about others, while also taking time to care for yourself and loving me through everything that has happened in the past year. I know that no matter what happens, you’ll always be by my side and that is all I could ever ask for. I just want to make this official and don’t want to wait any longer. So, Y/N Y/M/N, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
At this exact moment, Jack was down on one knee and you fully opened the door, saw the ring and immediately slammed the door while trying not to have a panic attack.
You figured this was a good time to turn your hearing aids back up.
“Baby!” Jack said while coming over to the door and trying to open it and failing. 
“I… JACKMAN! Are you serious?!”
“Did you not have your hearing aids turned on!? YES I’M SERIOUS!”
“No! I took them out to clean them and I just put them back in!” You exclaimed a little upset because you had missed everything that he said. 
“So, you didn’t hear ANY of that?!”
“No! But, you’re really serious?!”
“Yes, I’m serious! Baby, open the door!”
You did as you were told and opened it to see Jack staring down at you.
“No bullshit?” You asked as you could feel your eyes welling up with tears. 
“No bullshit, I want to be able to call you my wife for real.”
“Like seriously?”
“Yes, baby girl. I’m serious for the third time and have been thinking about asking you for a while.”
“So you really love me?” You asked and Jack looked at you in disbelief. 
“Y/N, I just asked you to marry me, did I not?”
“Oh, well I guess that’s true.”
“Baby, are you going to give me an answer? Low key panicking over here.”
“Well duh!”
“Duh what?!?”
“THAT I’LL MARRY YOU BIG HEAD!”
“Usually people say yes, not duh!” Jack exclaimed while you were still trying to make sense of everything. 
“Well I’m not people! I’m Y/N!”
“What am I going to do with you?” Jack jokingly asked as he slipped the ring on your finger and all you could do was smile and admire it.
“Nothing, now because your ass is stuck with me!”
“And I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Jack answered as he leaned down to place several kisses on your lips.
“You just don’t know how much I love you. I never thought in a million years that this would be a reality for me.”
“And you just don’t know how much I love you too. I’m happy that you let your guard down with me and let me love you the way that you deserve.”
You finished putting your hair up and laid down next to Jack while you moved over to lay on his chest and he quickly embraced you.
“Your heartbeat calms me and I love laying on you and listening to it when my mind is running 1000 miles per hour.” You said and Jack leaned down to look at you.
“What are you thinking?”
“What if she’s deaf?” You quietly asked.
“So, what if she is? That isn’t going to make her any less perfect. She’ll be perfect because we made her.”
“I would never forgive myself for it. I want her to be able to experience all of the things that I couldn’t do.”
“Whatever happens, she is going to live a full life and we’re going to make sure of it. You need to stop blaming yourself.”
“Easier said than done. I never saw myself becoming a parent so this has unlocked new fears for me.” You quietly confessed. Your biggest fear was passing on your disability to your offspring so you had it made up in your mind ever since you were fourteen that unless you found the person that you wanted to spend your life with, you weren’t about to have any kids. 
Well, then Jack came into the picture. 
“Of course we’re going to have them because she’s literally ours. That goes through every parent’s mind. But remember we’re a team and we’re doing this together.”
“I know. You’re right.” You were so excited when you saw the positive pregnancy test and now all of the fears that had been in the back of your mind are making themselves known. 
“Still won’t make me love her or you any less so you can get that out of your mind right now because I know that’s what you’re thinking.” Jack said as he tilted your chin to make you look up at him. 
“I can’t help it. I just…”
“I love you for making my life complete and now we're about to add our little girl to that." 
“And no matter what happens, she’ll be perfect because like you said, she’s ours.”
It was around 3 in the morning when Jack woke you up by placing several kisses on your cheeks because you had to catch a flight to Sweden for the next show, you lazily got out of the comfortable bed and started to get ready. 
“Come on, mamas. You can sleep on the plane.”
“Only if I get cuddles from you, otherwise, I’m not moving.”
“Babe, you know you can have all the cuddles you want and you know that you never have to ask.”
“Is this how it feels being with a morning person because this is downright ghetto. It is literally three in the morning.”
“Congratulations, you learned how to tell time.”
“I will kick your ass, Harlow. Watch it.”
“Hmm, you sure about that?”
“Better, yet, I’ll tell Maggie.”
Jack immediately stopped his movements to look over at you and all you did was smirk.
“That’s what I thought.”
As you were getting settled on the plane, Urban did a double take as he looked down at your finger.
“FUCKING FINALLY!”
“Urb, shut uppppp. It’s too early!” You exclaimed while burying your face deeper into Jack’s hoodie that you were wearing.
“So, he did it last night?!”
“Did what?” You asked, looking at him confused. 
Urban gestured to your ring finger and all you did was smile and Jack came and sat next to you.
“I did it and she heard absolutely none of the speech I prepared beforehand because she took out her hearing aids and failed to tell me.”
“Damn.” Urban said as he grabbed your hand to look at your ring.
“At least your man has good taste. Or was it me?”
“Sorry about that. And Urb did you help him pick it out?”
“Urb helping was him asking Kenzie and then reporting back to me and she was sworn to secrecy.”
“I still get my credit though. I did help.”
“And then she proceeded to slam the door in my face because I startled her and I was on one knee with the ring when she fully opened the bathroom door.”
Urban busted out laughing while shaking his head.
“You scared me. Completely caught me off guard.”
“Then proceeded to ask me if I was serious and if I loved her multiple times even though I most definitely had just asked her to marry me.”
“I had to be sure! This is a big decision.”
“I told you she wasn’t going to say no.”
“But it took her almost fifteen minutes it seems like to give me an answer.”
“I wasn’t that long!”
“Speak for yourself! Had me up there sweating and panicking!”
“I’ll make it up to you later once I get some sleep.”
Once all of you had landed and gotten to the hotel, all you did was take a shower and hopped in the bed to get ready to go back to sleep and was whining that Jack had a few interviews and wouldn’t be able to lay down with you and that was when your notification for instagram went off.
1 New Message from BadGalRiRi
Hey, Y/N, I see that you’re a well known ASL interpreter around Miami and I would love to work alongside you for when I do the super bowl in February. You let me know and I can send over the setlist so we can get started.
You let out the most ear piercing scream known to man startling Jack and him looking over at you confused.
“Uh, baby? You okay over there?”
“NO! YES! NO! I DON’T KNOW!”
“I have no idea what that means so start explaining.”
All you did was shove your phone towards Jack so he could read the message and his eyes went wide.
“Not my baby being asked to perform at the super bowl with Rihanna. You better say yes.”
“I.. I don’t even know what to say.”
“YES OBVIOUSLY!”
“ I AM JACKMAN! I MEANT IN GENERAL!”
“I’m so so proud of you.” Jack said as he leaned over to kiss your temple. 
“Oh….”
“Oh what?”
“I have to pick out my outfit and I’m about to be VERY pregnant come February.”
After you had responded to Rihanna, someone on her team had gotten in contact with you and sent over the setlist. It helped that you had about a month and a half to prepare and that you were a big fan and familiar with her music. 
Every single time you practiced, Jack was just sitting there watching you in awe and the one time that you caught him, you couldn’t help but to get a startled look on your face.
“Yes, Jackman? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“So, I need a reason to be able to look at my girl now?”
“No.”
“I’m looking at you because I love you and admire you.”
“Cut it out before I start to cry. These hormones are no joke, sir.”
“I’m just being honest.”
“I know you are and I love you for that.”
“When are you actually going to run through the entire performance with her and everyone else?”
“A few days before the show. It helps that I already know all of her songs and that I know them well.”
“And I’m still struggling to learn the alphabet.”
“It takes time and it doesn’t come overnight, babe. You’ll get there.”
“Wait, babe, teach me how to sign bring that pussy over here.”
“JACKMAN THOMAS!”
“What?! I thought I’d ask since you’re teaching Urban cuss words!” 
“Remind me why I said yes to marrying you again?”
“Don’t start!”
“You started it, I’m just the one finishing it!” 
You let out a sigh of relief as Rihanna’s halftime performance had just ended and you couldn’t wait to take the heels that you were wearing off. You were only six months, but you felt as if you were about to pop any day now.
Jack had helped you down off of the platform that you were standing on and immediately hugged you and kissed the top of your head.
“You did amazing, baby. Very proud of you.”
“Thank you boo. I’m just glad it’s over so I can take these shoes off. And I’m proud of you too and your commercial. Even though Urban was a little traitor at the end.”
“HEY! I HEARD THAT!”
“Did I lie?!”
“PUMPKIN, COME ON. ELTON JOHN THOUGH?! DO YOU BLAME ME?”
“No, you right though. I would have probably done the same thing.” You said as all of you walked back to the skybox that you had been sitting in before to enjoy the rest of the game.
“Babe?” You said as you grabbed his hand and he quickly looked down at you.
“What’s going on mamas?”
“You have about 7 minutes until your fiance turns into a different person because she’s hungry.”
“I offered to share my buffalo wings with you earlier, but you just wanted to sit in the corner and be cute and say no.”
“I didn’t want sauce on my dress!”
“I had the old bay ones you like too! They didn’t have sauce.”
“Urban, come get your best friend.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Both of you irk me to no end.”
For the next few weeks after the super bowl, of course they talked about Rihanna, but they were mentioning you every time you turned around.
You had lost count over how many times you were being tagged on instagram in posts highlighting little clips of your performances.
It was funny because a lot of your family had sent calls and text messages congratulating you on being pregnant and getting to sign at the super bowl since they didn’t know anything beforehand and you wanted to keep it as a surprise. 
The latest headline had you smiling to no end and Jack was looking at you wondering what was going on.
Jack Harlow’s pregnant fiance Y/N Y/L/N makes her own mark at the Super Bowl being a sign language interpreter for Rihanna
“I know you aren’t looking at one of my dick pics since I haven’t sent you one in awhile so what’s got you smiling like that?”
“You are such a dumbass, you know that?” You said and you immediately rolled your eyes.
“But the difference is that I’m your dumbass.”
“Well… that’s true.”
You simply handed him your phone so that he could take a look at it and smiled at you when he finished reading it.
“But, are you going to teach me how to sign bring that pussy over here? That is the real question.”
“Jackman…..”
“YOU NEVER GAVE ME AN ANSWER!”
“Because you don’t need one!”
“I beg to differ. I’ll go on youtube.”
“Seriously?!” You exclaimed while looking over at him. 
“Well my soon to be wife isn’t helping me!”
“I need to call Maggie and Brian and tell them to come and get their son because I am 100% done with you.”
“She probably doesn’t want me either.”
“Sucks to be you then, huh?”
“BABYYYYY!! Pleaseeee!”
“On one condition.”
“Yes?”
“If you ever and I mean EVER sign this shit out in public I will KILL YOU.”
“Fine right after I kill that pussy.”
All you did was sigh and shake your head.
“Lord, help me.”
The rest of your pregnancy went as smoothly as possible and after being in labor for a total of sixteen hours and wanting to kill Jack, she was finally here. 
All ten fingers, all then toes.
Skylar Eloise Harlow
And just as the two of you predicted, she was perfect.
Both of you had curly hair and so did she, but Jack was convinced that she got her hair from him while you were convinced that she got it from you. 
Of course in the back of your mind, you were still concerned about her hearing and the doctor had told you that she would be able to do the test when she was about a month old.
But you knew in the end that either way it went, you were happy because you would get to raise this little girl to be a badass just like her mother in every sense and to not let anyone tell her that she wasn’t able to do something. 
“Can you believe we made her?” Jack quietly asked you as he was holding her.
“No, definitely not. Feels weird not being pregnant anymore.”
“Well we can change that in about six weeks.”
“You sir, are not touching me again until she is at least fifteen.”
“FIFTEEN?! Yeah, okay. Let’s see how long THAT lasts.”
“Never been in so much pain in my damn life. Felt like I was being ripped apart. It was worth it though, so I would do it again.”
“See?”
“You sir, get no say because you didn’t have to push her out.”
“I think I should get like a 10% say in this because my hand is bruised from you holding it so tight.”
“Be happy it wasn’t your dick.”
“Actually I would be happy if it was.”
“Bye, Jackman.”
“What? What I say?”
“You know what you said.”
You had gotten quiet for a few minutes and Jack looked up at you concerned.
“Baby girl?”
“I’m okay, I’m just happy. Really happy.” 
Jack simply got up and placed Skylar in your arms before sitting back down next to you.
"Babe, I've been practicing."
"Practicing what?" You asked him suddenly confused.
Just then Jack signed "I love you" to you and your eyes immediately watered.
"I love you too."
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AITA for obviously covering my nose and mouth around smokers at work? (Tw for a very brief mention of sexual assault and mentions of bigotry)
To preface I'm fully aware that WHAT I'm trying to do is justified, I just don't know if the HOW is a problem.
Some context about my working conditions: I work in an outdoors location. I sit at a table at the front gate and check bags and permit entry. Where I sit is a fairly small open area at the base of a large set of stairs before the place people are actually coming to see. Smoking, drinking, etc is allowed everywhere on premise including the small area I sit at for eight hours a night. 90% of the patients drink (not the point of the post but to display how lax the type of event I work at is), and 50% of the adults MINIMUM smoke. The ticket booth is right beside my booth and people will stand there for up to 5 minutes on a not too busy night smoking as they wait. The customer base is nearly entirely white and almost 100% Republican. They wear MAGA hats, fly confederate flags, wear blue lives matter shirts, and try to yell at me about chemtrails if I don't shoo them away from me. I've been sexually assaulted, harassed for being Russian(?????????), called anti-trans slurs, have had weapons pulled on me, etc. And as I've said....... pretty much all the patrons are drunk. So I CAN NOT wear a mask for my own immediate safety. This is also not an every day issue as I work for an event specifically that only takes place once or twice a month
Now as to why smoking is an issue: I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. I don't remember exactly what part causes the reaction but I very quickly have a reaction to it. I assume it's something most every non smoker goes through experiencing second hand smoke: nausea, vomiting, dizziness, fainting, etc. It just happens to me VERY quickly. Now, if they don't have bags for me to check and just breeze on by after getting their tickets, I hold my breath for a quick minute until the air at least doesn't actively feel gross to breathe in. Minute is an exaggeration, because of a disability I have I can't hold my breath for more than 20 seconds. When people with bags for me to check come to my table and are smoking, I try to severely limit my breathing until it's done because I'm directly dealing with the customers and have to breathe. Where my methods might be asshole-ish come into play with the people who choose to stand around and smoke instead of leaving the area
I use my shirt/jacket to cover my mouth and nose. When it's cold I try to at least make it look like a keeping myself warm thing. It's not perfect, it's not like I'm suddenly immune to second hand smoke, but if they're only around for five minutes or so it does WONDERS keeping me from getting sick. I used to try harder not to be obvious about it, but going home throwing up and sneezing out tar for days after I work so many times has made me a bit more "idgaf if they're offended by it" sometimes. The thing is, I don't WANT to be rude about it though. My goal here isn't to cause a problem, which is the biggest concern with the customer base, but to just keep myself safe. When I try to just suck it up and take no measures to reduce the amount of smoke I'm directly inhaling, I've gotten so violently ill I've been unable to actually do my job. Admittedly I've never made a serious attempt to just ask people to not smoke around me, but in my defense it's because the response in the past has been for people to flick their cigarette ash at me and get up in my face. I think I might be too replaceable for there to be any kind of enforceable rule about not smoking in my direct vicinity
So I repeat: AITA for covering my face at work when people smoke right beside me? (And if so, any other solutions you could think of would be nice!)
What are these acronyms?
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spicerackofblorbos · 8 months
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Chapter 2: December
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☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!mute!Reader (she/her pronouns), set in a modern semi-fictional world
☾ Summary ➼ Due to childhood trauma, you find yourself an adult without the ability to speak. After years of working on it, you have found ways to live without a voice. Now here in your late 20s, you are 5 months in getting used to a new town. On a fateful day in late November, you and your adopted sister visit a local bookstore-café, unaware of the friendships about to blossom. Throughout the months, one friendship in particular develops into something more.
☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, oblivious feelings, angst, mention of minor character deaths, trauma, illness, adoption, mentions of fire, disabilities, alcohol use, very light nsfw mentions (to be continued as writing is ongoing)
☾ Author's note ➼ Hey guys! Here's the next chapter, I hope you like it. If you missed the first chapter, you can check it out here! The last one was pretty long but that's because it had to set up a lot of stuff, so this one is a little shorter. The interactions with Levi are short (heh) but I promise the next chapter will have a lot more. Buckle up buttercups.
☾ Word Count ➼ ~5.6k
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The town of Jinae started out as a cute crossroads village of sorts. It held only the bare necessities for those traveling from one major city to the next. That meant that small motels, dinky diners, and two-pump gas stations peppered the main road going in and out. A modest residential zone paired with an all-in-one school rounded out the town. Jinae’s purpose was clear; providing the needs to those just passing through.  
However, Jinae saw an enormous growth in just the span of 25 years. A pharmaceutical company called Titan LLC sought to place roots in this small village, building a research facility in the hills 10 minutes away from the downtown area. With the prospect of new jobs came more people and more people meant an inevitable expansion to create space for them. Thus, the little village turned into a quaint, bustling town. It was also this company that brought you and Hange into small-town life.  
Hange had been a part of Titan’s company for a few years, working in a facility in your hometown. Because Titan was privatized medicine, you were not allowed to know much of what her job entailed. All you knew was that she was a lab technician and spent most of her time studying and working with viruses.
Hange often joked about making zombies, but part of you wondered how much of her statement was a joke and how much of it was wishful thinking. But then she had been given a promotion to head-researcher and they requested that she be relocated to the facility in Jinae. Hange was quick to accept.   
Unfortunately for you, their new position is the reason why you found yourself cursing at the intricate filigree mask that dug into your face. It made any attempt to look down at the spread of auction items before you difficult. You glide your fingers across an informational plaque pertaining to an art piece that sat behind it, not really minding what the art piece really was. Your mind wandered to the argument you and your sister had a couple weeks ago.  
For context, Jinae hosts a winter gala every year as a way to boost community through the networking of big and small businesses alike. All proceeds from the gala’s events, tickets included, would go into improving the town. But, in more recent years Titan had become one of the town’s biggest benefactors and subsequently the gala’s biggest sponsor. Hange was pretty wishy-washy with the details, but they mentioned that part of the proceeds now goes into Titan as funds for their future projects. Of course, it made you suspicious, but it was not the reason why you were so upset at the time. 
This was the first Christmas Eve that you were not home with your family. Generally, by this time you would be lounging around with your other siblings, drinking hot cocoa and watching silly little holiday movies. Hange was upset about that too but with her new position, their attendance at the gala was mandatory. Titan had mentioned something about making the company personable and being a part of the community. You understood for the most part, but you were still frustrated that you were not wearing soft pajamas and were instead tripping over a dark, floor length evening gown.  
The thought of the previous conversation makes you huff as you continuously make your way through the auction items, again not really taking note of the piece before moving on to the next. You’ve heard of silent auctions before but have never seen one in person. It was quite strange to you, but you quickly find it’s an interesting concept as no one really had to interact with anyone else. After about the 20th display, your eyes start to glaze over. You think maybe your time would be better spent elsewhere, but then your eyes catch a familiar donor’s name on a plaque card.  
Were they here? 
You lean over to take a closer look at the small text on the card.  
“To You, 2000 Years From Now: A History of Ymir”  - First Edition  - Author: Frieda Reiss  Graciously donated by No Regrets Café 
You peek at the item behind it. It’s a light blue hardcover book, no more than maybe 300 pages. The cover was canvas with gilded text. In the center sat an embossed trunk with several branches shooting off in a myriad of directions. It reminded you of a leafless tree. You were not very familiar with the goddess Ymir due to the lack of religious background your home had growing up. But you did pick up bits and pieces as you got older, so you at least recognized the name.  
Lost in thought, you straighten up and take a step back. As you do, you’re knocked forward as you collide with something behind you. A cold liquid splashes down your exposed back making you gasp in surprise. When you turn around, you’re faced with a very angry man dabbing a cloth at his wine-stained dress shirt. He stares at you furiously and you feel your face heat up in embarrassment.  
“Can you watch where you’re going?! This is a very expensive shirt!” He screeches at you. His sudden volume startles you, causing you to flinch. Hands shaking, you attempt to unclasp your clutch to reach for your phone. 
“I don’t want your money! I want an apology! Do you know how long this will take to get out?!” His round spectacles flash at you as he scowls. He jerks towards you with his hand up in an accusatory point at your chest. 
You manage to fish out your phone but your tremoring, sweaty hands cause your phone to slip out and hit the ground with a loud ‘thwap’. At this point, everyone around is staring at the loud scene and whispering to each other. You look back up at the man, frustrated tears threatening to brim over. With no way to communicate, you’re reminded of the times when you were a child. You ball your fists in an effort to hold yourself together, nails digging into your skin.  
Suddenly you see someone bending down in front of you and picking up your phone. Standing up, they peer up at you with familiar sharp, gray eyes. A breath hitches in your throat as you immediately recognize him. He wore a half mask covering his scarred side, but you knew instantly it was him. He observes your face intently and you’re not certain if he recognizes you.  
“Excuse me, sir. I’m in the middle of something. Would you kindly move?” The man sneers. Levi narrows his eyes at the voice and spins around to face the tall stranger.  
“No, I don’t think I will. Apologize to the lady.” Levi’s voice is dry and devoid of emotion. 
“I beg your pardon?” The man’s face contorts in bewilderment.  
“Then beg.” Levi folds his arms across his chest and glowers hard. When he’s only given a shocked silence in return, he continues, “Apologize to the lady, I won’t ask again.” His voice is now icy. 
“Well, I never...”  Blanching, the man mumbles a ‘sorry’ before stumbling away.  
“Oi! Hydrogen peroxide and cold water on that stain immediately!” Levi calls out to the man. Without checking to see if the man heard him, he rounds on you. Your mouth sat agape as you stared down at him. His gaze is still hard as he inspects your face. When your tears start spilling over and you choke on a sob, his eyes widen in surprise. He steps forward right as you pull back, holding your arms up to stop him.  
Through blurry eyes, you spot the French doors separating the ballroom from the rest of the convention center and rush towards them for a quick escape. You run through and down a few hallways, a loud bang resonating behind you as the heavy doors close. You almost don’t notice the hurried heavy set of footsteps following you.  
You slump down on the first bench you see, curling up on yourself against the wall. You notice how badly you're shaking, and your tears come even faster. Clenching your dress in fists, you attempt to take deep breaths as you hang your head low, staring at the floor. The bench shifts as Levi sits next to you. He hands out your phone as well as a white handkerchief for you to take. You do so without giving him a second glance, taking the cloth to dab the wetness from your eyes before shoving it right back into his hand. You note the black coloration staining the white from your makeup. 
How unbelievably embarrassing this is for you. You’re not able to speak up for yourself, then you’re humiliated by all the criticizing stares. And now you’re practically falling apart in front of someone you still hardly know. You didn’t want Levi to see you like this and it made you angry at how pathetic you felt. You open your notes app and type out a quick message.  
‘I didn’t need your help.’ You don’t even look up as you hand him your phone. He quietly scoffs at you.  
“Huh? What do you mean you didn’t need help? You were visibly distressed. And that asshole would not leave you alone.” He places your phone back in your open, awaiting hand. You snatch the phone from his grip before he lets go of it, your fingertips brushing across his causing him to flinch. 
‘I’m not some damsel in distress for you to save. It wasn’t your place, and you don’t get to decide what you think I need or want.’ Frustration flares in your chest as hot tears threatened to fall yet again. You turn your head away in case they do. He digests your message in silence, the only things heard were the muffled sounds of the orchestra and your sniffles. What you don’t notice is the shot of pain that flashes across his face before falling back into his neutral expression.   
“Tch, I don’t know why you’re acting so defensive; I was just trying to help. Maybe show some gratitude, brat.” He snaps back. 
Your head whips up to glare at him. Levi’s posture was much more closed off and defensive than before. His hair is slicked back, and he wore a simple black suit with a white cravat in place of the usual bowtie. He's scowling at you, unamused. The audacity makes that same frustration in your chest bloom into a fiery blaze.  
‘Are you being serious right now?’ You practically throw your phone at him, your anger now evident on your face.  
“As a matter of fact, I am. I’m not the one who can’t communicate. Why are you even here?” His eyebrows furrow into a knot to match your furious expression, voice icy again. He shoves your phone back into your palms and you’re already typing away. 
‘I can communicate just fine, asshole. I’m not about to thank you for something I did not need. And for the record, I didn’t even want to be here!’   
“Why did you even come then?!” 
‘Why did you?’ Your phone skids across the floor from the excessive throwing of your phone, you’re not sure who threw it. 
You bolt to your feet at the same time as him, frosty expressions aimed at each other. The tension is so thick it could be cut with a knife. You hear waves crashing in your ears as your pulse races from the heated argument, chests rise and fall with heavy breathing. The past month, you two had gotten along, but now it felt as if you wanted to strangle him.  
“My little strawberry!! Where oh where did you run off to??” the shrill voice of your sister comes echoing down the hallway. Without giving Levi a second thought, you turn on your heel and start heading towards where the voice came from, picking your phone up from the floor as you go. You clutch your dress in both hands and pull it up to keep yourself from tripping on it, not caring that your worn-out combat boots were peeking out. There were definitely a few tears escaping from your eyes, rolling down your face and onto the floor as you stalked through the halls. 
Who did Levi think he was, scolding you like that. You two barely knew each other, so how could he assume that you needed help. He never took time to ask anything about you, save for those few questions at the bar a few weeks ago. You’ve only seen him a handful of times since then; It became the new normal to see you and Hange hanging out with the co-owners of the ‘No Regrets’ café after hours. Even then, Levi continued to be the man of few words. He’d offer grunts or scoffs in return for conversation in between sips of tea. And truly it never bothered you. But that also meant you and Levi had never had a real conversation. You knew nothing about him, and he knew nothing about you. 
You almost run headlong into a wall of a human as you round the corner, completely lost in thought. They catch you before you tumble backwards and fueled by the argument mere moments ago, you slap their hand away. You stare up at sky-blue eyes boring into yours and instantly regret it. You sign a quick apology, looking away from Erwin’s piercing gaze. He only examines you with silent consideration. 
‘If you’re looking for your ass of a friend, he’s back there.’ You sign to him stiffly.  
“Oh, well, I was actually looking for you. Hange needs you for something... are you okay?” Erwin asks softly. You wipe at your tears with the back of your hand, continuing to avert your gaze. As if that was answer enough, he says nothing else. Leading the way, he starts walking in what you could assume to be Hange’s direction. You follow close behind, staring at the back of his shoes as you went. You both walk in silence, and you mentally thank him for it. Once you step back into the ballroom, you spot a familiar frazzled brunette conversing with one of her coworkers. 
“Hange!” Erwin waves them over and they hold up a finger. After a few minutes they bound over and wrap you in a tight hug.  
“Oh my lovely, I heard about what happened and when I tried to find you, I couldn’t! Where were you?” She pulls away from the hug and studies your face. Their look of relief is suddenly replaced with a look of deep concern.  
‘Can we go home now?’ You sign to them before they can say anything, pleading with your eyes.  
“Well, I need to make a few more rounds but, I suppose we can leave. Give me about 15 minutes and then we can head out, okay?” They grab your hand and squeeze it reassuringly. With a reluctant nod they run off, leaving you with Erwin. You wrap your arms around yourself, and a heavy sigh escapes your lips. A couple moments of silence pass until his deep voice breaks it.  
“I don’t know what happened but try not to be too harsh on Levi.” You glance up at him but he’s not facing you, instead he’s surveying the crowd. He continues, “Levi has a rough demeanor. He may not always know how to handle emotions properly, his included, so I would caution you not to take it personally. In truth, he did not want to be here. I’m the one who dragged him out to make pleasantries with other businesses.” 
You don’t really know what to say to that, so you don’t. You still felt inklings of anger lingering in your body; you weren’t ready to let it go. To be and feel so humiliated in front of Levi was too much and you hadn’t had time to process it. Your heart squeezes as you remember the way Levi looked at you before you ran out of the ballroom. Something had startled him. Did your emotional reactions disturb him in a way he wasn't expecting? It could explain why he was so brusque with you. 
You glance up at him as he turns to you. You explore his face while you attempt to figure out what it is you wanted to say. Erwin’s eyes were bright and inquisitive, and it struck you how much of an antithesis he was to Levi. Erwin’s warm, soft nature clashed heavily with Levi’s cool, blunt personality. While Erwin was a summer breeze, Levi was a brewing storm. Whereas Erwin felt like a radiant sun warming you through the bone, Levi felt like a raging bonfire with flames threatening to lick at your skin and leave burns. Levi was not welcoming in any capacity and yet you were drawn to him like a magnet.   
‘He’s very stubborn, isn’t he?’ You sign at him finally. The blonde man chortles at your deadpan expression.  
“He very much is and based off what I know about you in the short time I’ve known you, I would say you’re the same.” He winks at you with a grin. You huff as you fold your arms across your chest in defiance.  
You wonder if that was an insult or compliment. You haven’t given much thought to the possible similarities and differences you both had, though you didn’t expect to be so explosive together. Whether it was just bad timing or you two just didn't get along as well as you thought, you didn't know. But what you did know was that you wanted to be home as soon as possible and out of this suffocating gown. Your eyes wander around the ballroom to try and find where your sister went off to. The only sights you see are people mingling and laughing, the dancing all but forgotten. Levi hadn't come back yet, and you felt your heart tug at the thought of him again. How frustrating he was to you.  
Finally, you spot Hange coming towards you with a wide smile, her jacket already pulled on with yours in hand. She must have stopped by the dinner table to grab yours on the way back. You step in to meet them halfway, shrugging on your coat the second she hands it off to you.  
"Well Erwin, I'm afraid we must part ways again. Keep me updated on your travels tomorrow, yes? I'd hate to find out you went out in blaze of glory by sliding off the highway." Your sister jokes as she walks past to give Erwin a playful punch on the arm.
Travels?  
You spin around and raise your eyebrows at him as you sign, 'You're going out of town too?' 
"I am, I'm going to visit my family for the holidays. I hear you will be doing the same as well. So, you," Erwin pats Hange's head with fondness and continues, "better let me know when you both arrive safely to your destination. And I will do my best to do the same." He flashes you one of his glittering smiles.   
'What does Levi have planned for tomorrow?' You can't help but ask. You internally kick yourself for your curiosity.  
"As usual, he's planning to open the cafe for a little bit in the morning and then he's going to visit his - someone close to him." Erwin shoots you an inquisitive glance, the corners of his mouth twitching as he responds. 
Levi working on Christmas seemed a little excessive to you and you speculate that those dark circles under his eyes were due to a workaholic nature. But the last part bothered you more than you cared to let on; Who is it that he had plans to see?  
"I know it's only been a month but that sounds like such a Levi thing to do. I think since the cafe will be open, we'll stop in to get a boost of caffeine before heading out. What do you say, my darling?" Hange wraps her arm around your shoulders and pulls you close. The thought of being near Levi again after what just transpired makes your stomach flip. In an effort to conceal your discomfort at the idea, you just roll your eyes and nudge your sister with your elbow.  
"It won't be a long stop I promise, then we can get to mom and dads in no time!" It seemed to work on Hange because she took your annoyance as taking too long to get home.  
After quick goodbyes and safe travel wishes, you find yourself staring out in the winter night as Hange drives down well-lit streets. The lamps flash on your face every other second as you pass them, your arm is propped up against the door’s console with your hand cradling your chin while you stare out. It's silent between the two of you for a while until Hange pipes up at a red light. 
"So, what happened between you and Levi?"  
Your head whips around so fast that you hit it against the window and your sister guffaws. You wince as you rub at the sore spot. She's staring straight at you with a sparkle in their eyes. Their enthusiasm makes you think she's looking for a specific answer, but you won't play that game. Turning to face them so they can see you clearly, you do the biggest eye roll you can muster.  
'It's nothing.'  
"It doesn't seem like nothing. You were crying before Erwin brought you to me. Plus, Erwin texted me what he thought happened. I just want to know your side."  
'It's nothing.' You repeat more forcefully.  
"Well alright then, missy." Hange teases, dropping the conversation. The light turns green, and the car starts off again on the wet pavement. You notice it had started to snow, that big fluffy kind of snow that stuck to the windows where you could see the little snowflakes if you looked close enough before they melted away.  
You turn back in your seat and huff. You were not as angry as you were before, but irritation still scratched at you. You were tired of thinking about Levi tonight. The only thing you wanted on your mind was the warm bed waiting for you just 20 minutes away. But you should have known that getting that silver-eyed man out of your brain was futile. It didn't matter that other people kept bringing him up, all you could see was him.  
"Erwin told me it's his birthday tomorrow." Hange mumbles quietly, causing your ears to twitch as they pick up what was being said.  
You only glance at them through a side eye, afraid your face would give away any indication of that statement bothering you. You bite your cheek and look back out the window at the passing assortment of buildings. Would he be alone on not only Christmas but on his birthday as well? You then remember Erwin mentioning something about him going to see someone close to him; was it a girlfriend? At least he wouldn't be alone. But that just bothered you even more. 
'God, he is so frustrating.' You think. You press your forehead against the cool glass, relishing how it felt against your warm skin.  
.
When what felt like the 100th customer had asked him why he was working today instead of spending time with his loved ones, Levi's eye twitched. Like with all the others, he slid their order to them and turned around without so much of a scoff. Today's traffic was busier than he anticipated, and it made him antsy. He only planned to be open for a couple of hours but with him being the only one in the shop he didn't have a chance to flip the signs off quick enough. Luckily the clientele didn't stick around, opting to take their orders to go before they travelled wherever the hell they were going to.  
He was in the middle of steaming milk when Hange walked in with a small box and a huge smile. For once there wasn't a line, so they leant up against the register while he worked on the lattes for the couple waiting at the end of the bar. Not a single word was said as she just stared holes into his skull.  
"If you're just going to sit there and say nothing, will you at least go unplug the open sign for me. I'm closing." Levi requests as he shoves the cups to the couple. They mumble a ‘happy holidays’ to Levi before shuffling out the door, Hange locking it behind them.  
"Well Merry Christmas to you too, Shorty." They tease as they slide up to the register again. Their eyes were shining brightly behind their glasses as they beamed a smile down to him.  
"What do you want, Four Eyes?" 
"Well for starters, I'd like a sugary English breakfast tea latte and the boldest coffee you have. Both mediums please! Aaaaand," she pulls out the small box she came in with out from behind her in a dramatic flourish. "This is for you." She places the box gently out on the counter and slides it forward.  
"What the hell is that?" he asks unamused as he rings up the orders. Breakfast Tea? Does that mean you're out in the car right now?  
"It's a box!" 
"Well obviously, why is it here?"  
"It's for you, dumbass. And before you say anything, no it's not from me."  
There's a deafening silence as Levi processes what Hange says. ‘Not from them’ meant logically it would have had to come from you. That very thought makes his stomach somersault. Hange starts rifling through their bag as Levi takes the box and places it behind him on another counter.  
"Don't worry about it, it's on the house." Levi mutters as he walks away to start on the drinks, his mind wandering as he went into autopilot again. If this box was really from you, did that mean you weren't mad at him anymore? Especially after last night, you bestowing him a gift was the last thing Levi expected. He felt a pang of guilt, not a lot but enough to make him regret some of the words he chose to spit at you. But then he remembers that defiant stubbornness of yours. It really grated on him, and it made him want to fly out of that door to confront you right then and there. He shakes his head at the thought. 
Levi finishes pouring a heap of sugar in the tea in front of him, making sure to be precise with the amount. His mind flits to the memory of your first visit to the café so long ago. Sliding on the heat guard, he then places it next to Hange’s steaming coffee.   
“Thanks, Shorty.” Hange picks up both cups and gives Levi a wink. 
“Tch, just get out of my café, will you? I have somewhere to be.” Levi pulls off his apron and hangs it up on the hook by the back wall. With his back turned, he hears Hange shuffling behind him. “What now?”  
“Nothing. It’s just,” they pause. “You two are just so alike, it’s scary. Stubborn and too proud to ask for help.” When Levi doesn’t say anything back, the doorbell rings then he’s left with silence again.  
After stepping over quickly to lock the door, he wipes his hands on a towel and saunters over to the box shining in the afternoon sun. It was a navy-blue rectangular container, about 6 inches in height. Golden constellations wrap around the whole thing, ones he could make out easily. On top sat a tule bow and a note.  
Thanks. 
Nothing else.  
Levi clicks his tongue and pops the lid off carefully. Inside sat something small and metal. He gently pulls it out with just his fingertips and upon a closer inspection, he’s shocked to find it’s a can of loose-leaf tea. Specifically, an herbal blend that’s supposed to help with relaxation and sleep. A sudden explosion of emotions came crashing down on him. Levi places the can back into the box and sets it back down before leaning against the counter behind him to steady himself. Something you had said to him a month ago reverberates in his head.  
‘Words are not always needed to convey intent.’ 
What was your intention with this, Levi contemplates to himself.  
He wonders if you like the tea. 
Half an hour later, Levi pulls up in the parking lot of the town’s general hospital. The lot was sparse, so he was able to get a good spot right at the front. He grabs the bouquet that rested gently in the passenger seat then sets out into the cold wind, heading for the visitor entrance.  
“Ah, Mr. Ackerman, welcome back and Merry Christmas.” the receptionist calls out to Levi as he steps in the sliding doors. Levi just nods in acknowledgment as he approaches the counter, doing his usual routine of signing in and taking a visitor tag.  
“How is she doing today?”  
“She’s coherent and very much looking forward to seeing you.” She smiles up at him. Levi just hums and starts in the direction he’s traveled many times before. An elevator and a maze of hallways later, he stops in front of a familiar door and raps softly against the wood. 
“Come in!” an airy voice calls out. With that, he opens the door gently and enters the room. The curtains were wide open which let in warm rays of sunshine. The whites in the room were illuminated by it, giving a very angelic glow to everything. A pallid woman sat in a bed, propped up with many pillows, and she stares lovingly to the raven-haired man standing with her favorite flowers.  
“Levi.” 
“Hi mom, Merry Christmas.” He shuts the door behind him and limps over to the chair by her bed. He places the bouquet on her lap in which she scoops them up right away to sniff them. She sighs in contentment at the sweet smell. She places them on the table next to her, promising to get a vase for them when he leaves. Then she turns back to her son and pulls one of his hands into her own and cradles it softly.  
“It’s good to see you. How are you doing today?” She squeezes his hand gently, and he stares up into eyes that match his own.   
“I’m fine. I just saw you a couple days ago, you know.” Levi rolls his eyes at her, but a genuine smile breaks out on his face. “But how are you?” 
“It’s a good day today, I think. Your uncle came by earlier but had to run off for something work related.” She waves her hand towards a large stuffed dog that sat in the corner. It had a red hat flopping in its smiling face.  
“Tch, of course he did.” 
“Don’t be so hard on him, Levi. Besides, he helped me get this for you.” She pulls away from Levi’s hand then reaches for one of her bedside tables. She pulls out a small, gift-wrapped package from a drawer and hands it to her exasperated son.  
“Mom, I said I didn’t want anything.”  
“I know but it’s your birthday and I’m your mom, so open it.”  
Levi rolls his eyes again and unwraps the paper with precision, opting to pull at the tape instead of ripping it off in one go. It’s a silver metal frame with sparrows flying around the border, a picture of his mom and him when he was just a toddler inlaid in the middle. A moment of them laughing with each other as she squeezed him in a bear hug, frozen in time. He grips the frame in both hands with care.  
“Kenny helped you with this, huh?” Levi swallows down his feelings, holding the frame close. 
“Well, the picture is mine, but he helped with the frame. Who knew that man had taste?” she chuckles softly.  
“Thanks mom, I’ll put it somewhere special.” Levi unzips his messenger bag and carefully places it in a secure pocket. Then he grabs a thermos he prepared before leaving the café, full of fresh black tea. He pulls out two teacups as well and pours the tea in each before handing them off.  
“You’re too sweet to this old lady.” 
“Tch, you’re not that old.” 
“Either way, I love you, my little Levi.” She takes a delicate sip from her cup as she settles back into her pillows. 
“Yeah, yeah.” Levi does the same with his teacup, staring out into the winter landscape through the window. It had started snowing again. He didn’t realize it, but his eyebrows furrowed as his mind wandered back to you. Were you safe? 
“Did something happen?” Her question breaks Levi out his reverie. He almost chokes on his tea, but he straightens himself up and clears his throat.  
“No. Not really. Just trying to figure someone out. They remind me of her.” Kuchel just hums in response. He continues quickly, “I brought some books, but I also have a couple of movies with me too. What do you want to do tonight?”  
Kuchel places the now empty teacup on her lap and thinks for a minute before relaxing back into the bed with her eyes closed.  
“Will you read to me?”  
Levi nods and reaches down to pull out a book about a mystical land with complex creatures and a band of misfits finding a family in one another. A small smile tugs at Levi’s lips as he curls up in the chair and starts reading, feeling at home.
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prisoner-000 · 1 year
Text
MILGRAM, Growing Up & Maturity
Recently, I've been thinking about MILGRAM and its prisoners connections to the concept of age and growing up - not every prisoner has a connection to this theme, but I think it's worth talking about!
Haruka - Haruka still sees himself as a child (his age is listed as 17, so he technically is) though in his MVs, he's often shown as a very young child, which makes sense considering his story centers around his relationship with his mother (and likely his life in the school system/being mistreated as a disabled child). Haruka represents being stuck growing up forever, never being supported enough to grow into an adult.
Yuno - Yuno's young age was often used as a point of skepticism by the audience during T1. She was told she was just too immature to know what she was doing/was barely an adult etc. Yuno spoke out against this view in Tear Drop, which represents her as a mature adult, despite her young age. She mirrors Haruka in this aspect. She grew up as fast as she liked, her decisions were her own. She was allowed to become an adult exactly when she wanted to.
Fuuta - Fuuta, even being 20 years old, still acts very much like a teenage bully - or at least, that's the act he puts up. He goes along with the crowd and doesn't really know his own place in the world just yet. He's not even able to realize the harm he's doing to his online victims until his 'murder'. When he's voted guilty in T1, this bully attitude is finally stripped away and he seems more like a confused young boy than a confident college student. Fuuta hasn't quite reached the point where he can call himself a grown adult yet.
Muu - This one is a little harder to properly pinpoint. Muu has been pampered by her rich parents all her life and has never had to make many decisions or work for herself (assuming she was actually a queen bee bully type). The first decision in her life that's actually hers is, tragically enough, her murder. She seems to see herself as someone who can boss around adults already when she clearly still has a lot of growing up to do.
Shidou - Shidou seems like the most mature prisoner of all. He had a family, a wife, kids - though that's been taken away from him, he still retains a wiseness that the other characters don't seem to have. Shidou is an adult who would rather be taken apart by piece by piece than see others be hurt. He often talks about his childhood in his extra material, almost seemingly longing to be a child again, where he had to experience no loss and no growing up.
Mahiru - Mahiru, as contrasted by Shidou, is very lacking in experiencing what she values most in life - love. She's in college when she finally gets what she wants, and she doesn't understand what being in a relationship truly means. In her 2nd MV, her view of her relationship is almost childishly whimsical. There's a carousel, sweets, a party just for her. This is to symbolize her still needing to grow and see the real world for what it is, also linked to maturity.
Kazui - With the next pair, this motif is a lot easier to see. Kazui is the oldest prisoner in all of MILGRAM, but he is still immature at heart. He often talks almost like he resents being an adult, wishing to be irresponsible again. This may sound similar to Shidou at first, but the difference between Kazui and Shidou is the fact that Shidou doesn't seem to mind being affected by societal norms (having a family, a good job, wife and kids...) as much as Kazui. Kazui wants nothing more than to be as free as he used to be before his relationship (either because he doesn't want to have just 1 relationship or because he hates the norms being forced on him). This might just be disproven in like 1 month but.. we'll see?
Amane - I feel like Amane is almost too obvious for me to write anything about her. First off, she's a child. Obviously she's still growing up and learning - but she's a child trope flipped on her head, she's only twelve, but she's obsessed with being a mature adult (assumedly to be respected by her elders in the cult). Often showcased in the Minigram comics is her childish nature surfacing in calm moments, but it never lasts. She's been forced to grow up too fast and there's no undoing it for her.
I feel like I can't really connect this theme to Mikoto and Kotoko, honestly. We just don't know enough about them yet - So maybe I'll expand on this once their T2 MVs come out? Feel free to add on if you'd like, though. :) Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!
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vergess · 5 months
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tell us more about your crazy hut job?
I'm a "Mental Health Rehabilitation Technician," which is an extremely funny and verbose way to say I'm the overnight counselor for a halfway house.
A halfway house is a type of live-in program for people who just got out of long term hospitalization, prison, etc and need help re-adjusting to normal living. In most cases, halfway houses only rehab people for 6 months. But, in my case, it's for people who completed rehab for addiction, but because of their disabilities, still need support learning complex processes like navigating pharmacy orders and medicaid before they feel comfortable living on their own. So, they stay as long as it takes them to become comfortable managing their own insurance, utilities, meds, etc.
The position is analogous to being an overnight counselor at a summer camp, but year round and for adults with detailed but ultimately straightforward medical needs (eg: I am not qualified to do inject anything but epipens and insulin; any other injection is "a nursing home problem.")
The daytime crew does most of the actual hard work, in terms of teaching people how to interact with society and get their meds on time and so on. My job is to go through the checklist of things the state wants sterilized every day, and sterilize it all. Floors, counters, walls, trash cans, phones, etc etc. Since the facility is in an 8 bedroom house, not a medical building of any kind, there's a LOT of sterilizing of just about everything all the time. Once the sterilizing is done, I organize the paperwork from that day that the daycrew did.
And when clients need help they come to me overnight.
I help with anything from panic attacks to counting out medications to budgeting, though for the most part I'm just acting as The Keeper Of The Cigarettes.
Everyone is allowed to keep their cigarettes in their rooms, but most of them prefer to lock them in the office lockbox, since they're so expensive. If they want a smoke overnight, they come to me and I unlock the box and they take what they want. If they keep cigarettes in their room they're free to go smoke whenever as long as they do it at least 20 feet from the building.
Everyone currently living there has been there for at least a year, and the facility itself has existed for decades, so it is well known in town and by the residents. In town, no one would ever dare call "The Group Home" anything as derogatory as "the crazy hut," to be clear. I don't live in some kind of monstrous backwoods dystopia, haha.
But the residents can call their home what they like. I'm not gonna be the kind of asshole who tells people they can't have a bit of fun renaming their living situation. Especially when... you know... just because people call it "the group home" doesn't mean they actually respect our residents. If calling their house the crazy hut brings them joy and lets them feel bulwarked against the social exclusion they face, then crazy hut it is.
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poppyandzena · 4 months
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Poppy: "Spawn is an adult you guys, you need to stop treating saying I'm doing child abuse because they were an adult." Also Poppy: "Anyways yes we had a schedule for Spawn. People with ADHD work best with schedules, this is proven!! Spawn just couldn't complete it cause they were dicking around." As someone with ADHD, while schedules can help, it's not the end all, be all. I would say most of all it requires some flexibility and understanding. Poppy insists that schedules are proven to help people with ADHD, therefore it's good that they forced a schedule onto Spawn, and yet even when they talk about it they talk about how the schedule didn't work for Spawn and... well, blame Spawn for it not working. Almost as if they have disabilities that make their life a bit harder to keep to a schedule or something 乁( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ㄏ When I was a child, my 'schedule' for the day was basically this: school, come home and do homework, do three chores (written down on the fridge for me to complete because I legit couldn't remember when I was verbally told what chores to do the night before), and after that I was able to do whatever I wanted. I don't think regimented schedules help someone with ADHD, I think having certain things scheduled (such as a few chores, homework since it was important for school, etc) while also allowing for downtime is the best way to go. Even as an adult, there are certain things I try to keep to a schedule (certain days dedicated for chores, all bill due dates are written on a calendar and checked off as the month goes on, specific errands like groceries) but I also understand that some days I'm gonna wake up, have a bad brain day where I can't really do everything I want to do (and sometimes I can only really do one big thing a day), and I give myself the grace and understanding while also keeping in mind what is most important to get done. It's a balancing act. It's delicate. It's hard work. Every time I see the way Poppy talks about Spawn I just hope more and more that they're doing so much better without her... and I hope Poppy never gets to be in contact with them ever again.
I have ADHD and anxiety. Flexibility is best. I forget to eat more than I eat in general. My mental health improves when I'm given more control of my surroundings and my choices. My work gives me enough framework without dominating my life like I'm a sim without autonomy.
Us ADHD people work in what I call loopholes or cheats. I hate brushing my teeth so I brush my teeth in the shower to get it all done in one place. Or if I can't shower before I go to work, I have little disposable toothbrushes and sugar free gum in my desk. I hate the act of eating or preparing food. So instead of screwing myself over by making something I won't finish, I drink V8 100s since they're cheaper than the Naked brand and contain vegetables and fruits I wouldn't bother preparing on their own. I don't even own a bin for my food waste since I know I will procrastinate taking out the trash and stink up my home, so food waste is sent to the trash chute. I keep non-perishable snacks in reach so my blood sugar doesn't completely bottom out when I forget to eat.
Spawn is doing fine living without Zena and Poppy--not because they were "never disabled." They are very disabled. You know what disables you further? Having to do endless lists of labor that last for hours, sometimes without a working AC and little food in your body as your parents shame you for not "doing it quick enough." Being made to skip meals because you "missed your time." Having YOUR sports drinks consumed when you need those to keep your sodium up. Being barred from going to the bathroom for hours at a time. Being shamed for staying in your room but being screamed at by Zena for existing within ten feet of them. Having the internet cut off on purpose and then having to grovel to turn it back on when you need it to look for a job, as your parents bitch at you for not having a job.
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hazellum · 11 months
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Help a broke, disabled trans guy afford testosterone and escape an abusive situation
Hi. It's me. The broke trans guy.
So. You all probably know me as the guy who reblogs Color of the Sky every. Damn. Day. I uh. I have a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes that a lot of you don't know about.
For starters, I recently turned 18. I have been planning on ditching my abusive parents as soon as I hit my birthday. I had a whole big plan that included starting taking writing and art commissions a lot more heavily, getting a WFH job, stuff like that. Thing is, this all requires a working computer. Something I have not had, at this point, for months. I'm currently typing this from my phone while dissociating 👍
I would have liked to get an in-person job, but my parents Lost My Social Security Card and I couldn't get one on my own, being a minor, so I had to wait until very recently to get a replacement card, at which point I could finally get my learners permit. At this point, I'm not going to be able to legally drive on my own without an adult family member in the car supervising until February, maybe March. Because of this, I can't drive myself to work. I had planned on Walking to work, but in the last few months my chronic pain has gotten exponentially worse to the point I now need a cane day-to-day. I obviously cannot walk a couple miles every day just to get to work.
Because of my medical conditions, I have severe dietary restrictions. My parents don't much care for this, and despite there always being food in the house I often go hungry. I am also just sometimes Not Allowed to Eat, and regularly get screamed at for things such as Needing a Mobility Aid and. Existing in a way they don't like.
I have no funds, and I need to start saving so I can escape to college next semester. I'm starting work on my degree for funeral science. I also need money for a new computer, and testosterone. I need food. I need to pay medical bills which are starting to rack up.
Please. share this post. If you can give, give. I need out of here, and so many things besides. A computer and testosterone are my first goals, because with a computer I have more options to earn money. I want to work, I just can't currently.
I wish I didn't have to beg like this. I also wish my PayPal didn't have my dead name but yayy haven't been able to get it changed yet.
I wish I didn't go to bed hungry so often.
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theworldvsyoshiko · 10 months
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Robot's Ocean has already gone on for about $80k wealth higher than any of the previous colonies and my save file seems precariously close to being bricked, so I've been thinking about wrapping the colony up and moving on.
As a sanguophage mechanitor with psylink level 6, every (non-mechanitor) implant she can possibly get that doesn't come with significant drawbacks, 9+ in every skill, and now a spouse, I think Yoshiko's development has kinda plateaued. Making her dramatically stronger (by, say, making all the sanguophage stuff into endogenes and then stacking a new xenotype on top of that) would take a ridiculous amount of time. Otherwise, the only real ways for her to get stronger are luciferium or by upgrading some of her bionics to archotech, and once you're at the 'every body part is bionic' stage already, those are pretty marginal upgrades. Skill-wise, all but two skills are into the range where they decay, and since she uses almost every skill on a daily basis, the levels are just going to keep fluctuating up and down as her focus shifts. Also, she's like... 35 now. It'd be weird if she ended up older than I am. So this doesn't feel like a bad spot to let her retire from active duty and enjoy the rest of her immortal life in peace.
Which leaves me debating where to take things in the future. Somehow I'm not bored of this yet, and the blog's follower count has doubled over the past week or so, so apparently somebody still wants to read this. Various options include:
The strongest contender in my head is roughly repeating the original start, but without the mechanitor part. Starting off with a lone child who doesn't have robots to fall back on. (Obviously this would be a different girl named Yoshiko.) This would probably involve making a custom scenario to give her appropriate gear and starting tech, because useless child Naked Brutality might be a bit much. Not sure if I'd go for the orphanage thing again, or try a different goal. It'd need some limitations, or else the kid can just recruit some adult help in the first month, which kinda defeats the purpose. I'd also probably have to disable the exostrider corpse in the scenario, or she could just rush becoming a mechanitor anyway.
As above, but start as a non-baseline xenotype to shake things up a bit. Incompetent 13 year old sanguophage could be an interesting way to help the kid survive while introducing its own problems to work around. Otherwise, maybe yttakin, impid, or waster? Yttakin and impid both have powers that would make combat a less dicey proposition early on. Waster could live in wastelands, which comes with its own benefits and challenges.
Or start with a new 13 year old mechanitor, but try the solo mechanitor thing, never allowing anybody else to join the colony. This would remain an interesting challenge for longer, but it also might be a little boring to talk about since there wouldn't be any character interactions.
The way opposite option would be something like using VFE - Tribals to start out with a pre-neolithic group and try to progress from 'what the fuck is ""fire""???' up to building a spaceship or something. Which would very likely be a generational kind of deal, because historically that takes a while.
Just start a new colony with Yoshiko and Cindy and keep going. The orphanage thing has been pretty fun to play tbh, and while Robot's Ocean is pretty secure now, as the Hospital Rockets Incident demonstrated, just because she's super-competent doesn't mean that bad stuff can't happen. On the other hand, starting with two competent adults, I think things would snowball a lot faster. This would probably involve using Character Editor or something to ditch the current save and start a new one, presumably with a mod or two disabled. Although unfortunately, one of the prime candidates for the mod that's breaking things is the one that allows for humanoid mechs.
Or have Yoshiko pass off the torch, giving a mechlink to one of her kids upon 13 and sending them off into the wilderness to continue the cycle??
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chaotic-on-main · 2 years
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Chapter 2: December
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☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!mute!Reader (she/her pronouns), set in a modern semi-fictional world
☾ Summary ➼ Due to childhood trauma, you find yourself an adult without the ability to speak. After years of working on it, you have found ways to live without a voice. Now here in your late 20s, you are 5 months in getting used to a new town. On a fateful day in late November, you and your adopted sister visit a local bookstore-café, unaware of the friendships about to blossom. Throughout the months, one friendship in particular develops into something more.
☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, oblivious feelings, angst, mention of minor character deaths, trauma, illness, adoption, mentions of fire, disabilities, alcohol use, very light nsfw mentions (to be continued as writing is ongoing)
☾ Author's note ➼ Hey guys! Here's the next chapter, I hope you like it. If you missed the first chapter, you can check it out here! The last one was pretty long but that's because it had to set up a lot of stuff, so this one is a little shorter. The interactions with Levi are short (heh) but I promise the next chapter will have a lot more. Buckle up buttercups.
☾ Word Count ➼ ~5.6k
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The town of Jinae started out as a cute crossroads village of sorts. It held only the bare necessities for those traveling from one major city to the next. That meant that small motels, dinky diners, and two-pump gas stations peppered the main road going in and out. A modest residential zone paired with an all-in-one school rounded out the town. Jinae’s purpose was clear; providing the needs to those just passing through.  
However, Jinae saw an enormous growth in just the span of 25 years. A pharmaceutical company called Titan LLC sought to place roots in this small village, building a research facility in the hills 10 minutes away from the downtown area. With the prospect of new jobs came more people and more people meant an inevitable expansion to create space for them. Thus, the little village turned into a quaint, bustling town. It was also this company that brought you and Hange into small-town life.  
Hange had been a part of Titan’s company for a few years, working in a facility in your hometown. Because Titan was privatized medicine, you were not allowed to know much of what her job entailed. All you knew was that she was a lab technician and spent most of her time studying and working with viruses. Hange often joked about making zombies, but part of you wondered how much of her statement was a joke and how much of it was wishful thinking. But then she had been given a promotion to head-researcher and they requested that she be relocated to the facility in Jinae. Hange was quick to accept.   
Unfortunately for you, their new position is the reason why you found yourself cursing at the intricate filigree mask that dug into your face. It made any attempt to look down at the spread of auction items before you difficult. You glide your fingers across an informational plaque pertaining to an art piece that sat behind it, not really minding what the art piece really was. Your mind wandered to the argument you and your sister had a couple weeks ago.  
For context, Jinae hosts a winter gala every year as a way to boost community through the networking of big and small businesses alike. All proceeds from the gala’s events, tickets included, would go into improving the town. But, in more recent years Titan had become one of the town’s biggest benefactors and subsequently the gala’s biggest sponsor. Hange was pretty wishy-washy with the details, but they mentioned that part of the proceeds now goes into Titan as funds for their future projects. Of course, it made you suspicious, but it was not the reason why you were so upset at the time. 
This was the first Christmas Eve that you were not home with your family. Generally, by this time you would be lounging around with your other siblings, drinking hot cocoa and watching silly little holiday movies. Hange was upset about that too but with her new position, their attendance at the gala was mandatory. Titan had mentioned something about making the company personable and being a part of the community. You understood for the most part, but you were still frustrated that you were not wearing soft pajamas and were instead tripping over a dark, floor length evening gown.  
The thought of the previous conversation makes you huff as you continuously make your way through the auction items, again not really taking note of the piece before moving on to the next. You’ve heard of silent auctions before but have never seen one in person. It was quite strange to you, but you quickly find it’s an interesting concept as no one really had to interact with anyone else. After about the 20th display, your eyes start to glaze over. You think maybe your time would be better spent elsewhere, but then your eyes catch a familiar donor’s name on a plaque card.  
Were they here? 
You lean over to take a closer look at the small text on the card.  
“To You, 2000 Years From Now: A History of Ymir” 
- First Edition 
-Author: Frieda Reiss 
Graciously donated by No Regrets Café 
You peek at the item behind it. It’s a light blue hardcover book, no more than maybe 300 pages. The cover was canvas with gilded text. In the center sat an embossed trunk with several branches shooting off in a myriad of directions. It reminded you of a leafless tree. You were not very familiar with the goddess Ymir due to the lack of religious background your home had growing up. But you did pick up bits and pieces as you got older, so you at least recognized the name.  
Lost in thought, you straighten up and take a step back. As you do, you’re knocked forward as you collide with something behind you. A cold liquid splashes down your exposed back making you gasp in surprise. When you turn around, you’re faced with a very angry man dabbing a cloth at his wine-stained dress shirt. He stares at you furiously and you feel your face heat up in embarrassment.  
“Can you watch where you’re going?! This is a very expensive shirt!” He screeches at you. His sudden volume startles you, causing you to flinch. Hands shaking, you attempt to unclasp your clutch to reach for your phone. 
“I don’t want your money! I want an apology! Do you know how long this will take to get out?!” His round spectacles flash at you as he scowls. He jerks towards you with his hand up in an accusatory point at your chest. 
You manage to fish out your phone but your tremoring, sweaty hands cause your phone to slip out and hit the ground with a loud ‘thwap’. At this point, everyone around is staring at the loud scene and whispering to each other. You look back up at the man, frustrated tears threatening to brim over. With no way to communicate, you’re reminded of the times when you were a child. You ball your fists in an effort to hold yourself together, nails digging into your skin.  
Suddenly you see someone bending down in front of you and picking up your phone. Standing up, they peer up at you with familiar sharp, gray eyes. A breath hitches in your throat as you immediately recognize him. He wore a half mask covering his scarred side, but you knew instantly it was him. He observes your face intently and you’re not certain if he recognizes you.  
“Excuse me, sir. I’m in the middle of something. Would you kindly move?” The man sneers. Levi narrows his eyes at the voice and spins around to face the tall stranger.  
“No, I don’t think I will. Apologize to the lady.” Levi’s voice is dry and devoid of emotion. 
“I beg your pardon?” The man’s face contorts in bewilderment.  
“Then beg.” Levi folds his arms across his chest and glowers hard. When he’s only given a shocked silence in return, he continues, “Apologize to the lady, I won’t ask again.” His voice is now icy. 
“Well, I never...”  Blanching, the man mumbles a ‘sorry’ before stumbling away.  
“Oi! Hydrogen peroxide and cold water on that stain immediately!” Levi calls out to the man. Without checking to see if the man heard him, he rounds on you. Your mouth sat agape as you stared down at him. His gaze is still hard as he inspects your face. When your tears start spilling over and you choke on a sob, his eyes widen in surprise. He steps forward right as you pull back, holding your arms up to stop him.  
Through blurry eyes, you spot the French doors separating the ballroom from the rest of the convention center and rush towards them for a quick escape. You run through and down a few hallways, a loud bang resonating behind you as the heavy doors close. You almost don’t notice the hurried heavy set of footsteps following you.  
You slump down on the first bench you see, curling up on yourself against the wall. You notice how badly you're shaking, and your tears come even faster. Clenching your dress in fists, you attempt to take deep breaths as you hang your head low, staring at the floor. The bench shifts as Levi sits next to you. He hands out your phone as well as a white handkerchief for you to take. You do so without giving him a second glance, taking the cloth to dab the wetness from your eyes before shoving it right back into his hand. You note the black coloration staining the white from your makeup. 
How unbelievably embarrassing this is for you. You’re not able to speak up for yourself, then you’re humiliated by all the criticizing stares. And now you’re practically falling apart in front of someone you still hardly know. You didn’t want Levi to see you like this and it made you angry at how pathetic you felt. You open your notes app and type out a quick message.  
‘I didn’t need your help.’ You don’t even look up as you hand him your phone. He quietly scoffs at you.  
“Huh? What do you mean you didn’t need help? You were visibly distressed. And that asshole would not leave you alone.” He places your phone back in your open, awaiting hand. You snatch the phone from his grip before he lets go of it, your fingertips brushing across his causing him to flinch. 
‘I’m not some damsel in distress for you to save. It wasn’t your place, and you don’t get to decide what you think I need or want.’ Frustration flares in your chest as hot tears threatened to fall yet again. You turn your head away in case they do. He digests your message in silence, the only things heard were the muffled sounds of the orchestra and your sniffles. What you don’t notice is the shot of pain that flashes across his face before falling back into his neutral expression.   
“Tch, I don’t know why you’re acting so defensive; I was just trying to help. Maybe show some gratitude, brat.” He snaps back. 
Your head whips up to glare at him. Levi’s posture was much more closed off and defensive than before. His hair is slicked back, and he wore a simple black suit with a white cravat in place of the usual bowtie. He's scowling at you, unamused. The audacity makes that same frustration in your chest bloom into a fiery blaze.  
‘Are you being serious right now?’ You practically throw your phone at him, your anger now evident on your face.  
“As a matter of fact, I am. I’m not the one who can’t communicate. Why are you even here?” His eyebrows furrow into a knot to match your furious expression, voice icy again. He shoves your phone back into your palms and you’re already typing away. 
‘I can communicate just fine, asshole. I’m not about to thank you for something I did not need. And for the record, I didn’t even want to be here!’   
“Why did you even come then?!” 
‘Why did you?’ Your phone skids across the floor from the excessive throwing of your phone, you’re not sure who threw it. 
You bolt to your feet at the same time as him, frosty expressions aimed at each other. The tension is so thick it could be cut with a knife. You hear waves crashing in your ears as your pulse races from the heated argument, chests rise and fall with heavy breathing. The past month, you two had gotten along, but now it felt as if you wanted to strangle him.  
“My little strawberry!! Where oh where did you run off to??” the shrill voice of your sister comes echoing down the hallway. Without giving Levi a second thought, you turn on your heel and start heading towards where the voice came from, picking your phone up from the floor as you go. You clutch your dress in both hands and pull it up to keep yourself from tripping on it, not caring that your worn-out combat boots were peeking out. There were definitely a few tears escaping from your eyes, rolling down your face and onto the floor as you stalked through the halls. 
Who did Levi think he was, scolding you like that. You two barely knew each other, so how could he assume that you needed help. He never took time to ask anything about you, save for those few questions at the bar a few weeks ago. You’ve only seen him a handful of times since then; It became the new normal to see you and Hange hanging out with the co-owners of the ‘No Regrets’ café after hours. Even then, Levi continued to be the man of few words. He’d offer grunts or scoffs in return for conversation in between sips of tea. And truly it never bothered you. But that also meant you and Levi had never had a real conversation. You knew nothing about him, and he knew nothing about you. 
You almost run headlong into a wall of a human as you round the corner, completely lost in thought. They catch you before you tumble backwards and fueled by the argument mere moments ago, you slap their hand away. You stare up at sky-blue eyes boring into yours and instantly regret it. You sign a quick apology, looking away from Erwin’s piercing gaze. He only examines you with silent consideration. 
‘If you’re looking for your ass of a friend, he’s back there.’ You sign to him stiffly.  
“Oh, well, I was actually looking for you. Hange needs you for something... are you okay?” Erwin asks softly. You wipe at your tears with the back of your hand, continuing to avert your gaze. As if that was answer enough, he says nothing else. Leading the way, he starts walking in what you could assume to be Hange’s direction. You follow close behind, staring at the back of his shoes as you went. You both walk in silence, and you mentally thank him for it. Once you step back into the ballroom, you spot a familiar frazzled brunette conversing with one of her coworkers. 
“Hange!” Erwin waves them over and they hold up a finger. After a few minutes they bound over and wrap you in a tight hug.  
“Oh my lovely, I heard about what happened and when I tried to find you, I couldn’t! Where were you?” She pulls away from the hug and studies your face. Their look of relief is suddenly replaced with a look of deep concern.  
‘Can we go home now?’ You sign to them before they can say anything, pleading with your eyes.  
“Well, I need to make a few more rounds but, I suppose we can leave. Give me about 15 minutes and then we can head out, okay?” They grab your hand and squeeze it reassuringly. With a reluctant nod they run off, leaving you with Erwin. You wrap your arms around yourself, and a heavy sigh escapes your lips. A couple moments of silence pass until his deep voice breaks it.  
“I don’t know what happened but try not to be too harsh on Levi.” You glance up at him but he’s not facing you, instead he’s surveying the crowd. He continues, “Levi has a rough demeanor. He may not always know how to handle emotions properly, his included, so I would caution you not to take it personally. In truth, he did not want to be here. I’m the one who dragged him out to make pleasantries with other businesses.” 
You don’t really know what to say to that, so you don’t. You still felt inklings of anger lingering in your body; you weren’t ready to let it go. To be and feel so humiliated in front of Levi was too much and you hadn’t had time to process it. Your heart squeezes as you remember the way Levi looked at you before you ran out of the ballroom. Something had startled him. Did your emotional reactions disturb him in a way he wasn't expecting? It could explain why he was so brusque with you. 
You glance up at him as he turns to you. You explore his face while you attempt to figure out what it is you wanted to say. Erwin’s eyes were bright and inquisitive, and it struck you how much of an antithesis he was to Levi. Erwin’s warm, soft nature clashed heavily with Levi’s cool, blunt personality. While Erwin was a summer breeze, Levi was a brewing storm. Whereas Erwin felt like a radiant sun warming you through the bone, Levi felt like a raging bonfire with flames threatening to lick at your skin and leave burns. Levi was not welcoming in any capacity and yet you were drawn to him like a magnet.   
‘He’s very stubborn, isn’t he?’ You sign at him finally. The blonde man chortles at your deadpan expression.  
“He very much is and based off what I know about you in the short time I’ve known you, I would say you’re the same.” He winks at you with a grin. You huff as you fold your arms across your chest in defiance.  
You wonder if that was an insult or compliment. You haven’t given much thought to the possible similarities and differences you both had, though you didn’t expect to be so explosive together. Whether it was just bad timing or you two just didn't get along as well as you thought, you didn't know. But what you did know was that you wanted to be home as soon as possible and out of this suffocating gown. Your eyes wander around the ballroom to try and find where your sister went off to. The only sights you see are people mingling and laughing, the dancing all but forgotten. Levi hadn't come back yet, and you felt your heart tug at the thought of him again. How frustrating he was to you.  
Finally, you spot Hange coming towards you with a wide smile, her jacket already pulled on with yours in hand. She must have stopped by the dinner table to grab yours on the way back. You step in to meet them halfway, shrugging on your coat the second she hands it off to you.  
"Well Erwin, I'm afraid we must part ways again. Keep me updated on your travels tomorrow, yes? I'd hate to find out you went out in blaze of glory by sliding off the highway." Your sister jokes as she walks past to give Erwin a playful punch on the arm.
Travels?  
You spin around and raise your eyebrows at him as you sign, 'You're going out of town too?' 
"I am, I'm going to visit my family for the holidays. I hear you will be doing the same as well. So, you," Erwin pats Hange's head with fondness and continues, "better let me know when you both arrive safely to your destination. And I will do my best to do the same." He flashes you one of his glittering smiles.   
'What does Levi have planned for tomorrow?' You can't help but ask. You internally kick yourself for your curiosity.  
"As usual, he's planning to open the cafe for a little bit in the morning and then he's going to visit his - someone close to him." Erwin shoots you an inquisitive glance, the corners of his mouth twitching as he responds. 
Levi working on Christmas seemed a little excessive to you and you speculate that those dark circles under his eyes were due to a workaholic nature. But the last part bothered you more than you cared to let on; Who is it that he had plans to see?  
"I know it's only been a month but that sounds like such a Levi thing to do. I think since the cafe will be open, we'll stop in to get a boost of caffeine before heading out. What do you say, my darling?" Hange wraps her arm around your shoulders and pulls you close. The thought of being near Levi again after what just transpired makes your stomach flip. In an effort to conceal your discomfort at the idea, you just roll your eyes and nudge your sister with your elbow.  
"It won't be a long stop I promise, then we can get to mom and dads in no time!" It seemed to work on Hange because she took your annoyance as taking too long to get home.  
After quick goodbyes and safe travel wishes, you find yourself staring out in the winter night as Hange drives down well-lit streets. The lamps flash on your face every other second as you pass them, your arm is propped up against the door’s console with your hand cradling your chin while you stare out. It's silent between the two of you for a while until Hange pipes up at a red light. 
"So, what happened between you and Levi?"  
Your head whips around so fast that you hit it against the window and your sister guffaws. You wince as you rub at the sore spot. She's staring straight at you with a sparkle in their eyes. Their enthusiasm makes you think she's looking for a specific answer, but you won't play that game. Turning to face them so they can see you clearly, you do the biggest eye roll you can muster.  
'It's nothing.'  
"It doesn't seem like nothing. You were crying before Erwin brought you to me. Plus, Erwin texted me what he thought happened. I just want to know your side."  
'It's nothing.' You repeat more forcefully.  
"Well alright then, missy." Hange teases, dropping the conversation. The light turns green, and the car starts off again on the wet pavement. You notice it had started to snow, that big fluffy kind of snow that stuck to the windows where you could see the little snowflakes if you looked close enough before they melted away.  
You turn back in your seat and huff. You were not as angry as you were before, but irritation still scratched at you. You were tired of thinking about Levi tonight. The only thing you wanted on your mind was the warm bed waiting for you just 20 minutes away. But you should have known that getting that silver-eyed man out of your brain was futile. It didn't matter that other people kept bringing him up, all you could see was him.  
"Erwin told me it's his birthday tomorrow." Hange mumbles quietly, causing your ears to twitch as they pick up what was being said.  
You only glance at them through a side eye, afraid your face would give away any indication of that statement bothering you. You bite your cheek and look back out the window at the passing assortment of buildings. Would he be alone on not only Christmas but on his birthday as well? You then remember Erwin mentioning something about him going to see someone close to him; was it a girlfriend? At least he wouldn't be alone. But that just bothered you even more. 
'God, he is so frustrating.' You think. You press your forehead against the cool glass, relishing how it felt against your warm skin.  
.
When what felt like the 100th customer had asked him why he was working today instead of spending time with his loved ones, Levi's eye twitched. Like with all the others, he slid their order to them and turned around without so much of a scoff. Today's traffic was busier than he anticipated, and it made him antsy. He only planned to be open for a couple of hours but with him being the only one in the shop he didn't have a chance to flip the signs off quick enough. Luckily the clientele didn't stick around, opting to take their orders to go before they travelled wherever the hell they were going to.  
He was in the middle of steaming milk when Hange walked in with a small box and a huge smile. For once there wasn't a line, so they leant up against the register while he worked on the lattes for the couple waiting at the end of the bar. Not a single word was said as she just stared holes into his skull.  
"If you're just going to sit there and say nothing, will you at least go unplug the open sign for me. I'm closing." Levi requests as he shoves the cups to the couple. They mumble a ‘happy holidays’ to Levi before shuffling out the door, Hange locking it behind them.  
"Well Merry Christmas to you too, Shorty." They tease as they slide up to the register again. Their eyes were shining brightly behind their glasses as they beamed a smile down to him.  
"What do you want, Four Eyes?" 
"Well for starters, I'd like a sugary English breakfast tea latte and the boldest coffee you have. Both mediums please! Aaaaand," she pulls out the small box she came in with out from behind her in a dramatic flourish. "This is for you." She places the box gently out on the counter and slides it forward.  
"What the hell is that?" he asks unamused as he rings up the orders. Breakfast Tea? Does that mean you're out in the car right now?  
"It's a box!" 
"Well obviously, why is it here?"  
"It's for you, dumbass. And before you say anything, no it's not from me."  
There's a deafening silence as Levi processes what Hange says. ‘Not from them’ meant logically it would have had to come from you. That very thought makes his stomach somersault. Hange starts rifling through their bag as Levi takes the box and places it behind him on another counter.  
"Don't worry about it, it's on the house." Levi mutters as he walks away to start on the drinks, his mind wandering as he went into autopilot again. If this box was really from you, did that mean you weren't mad at him anymore? Especially after last night, you bestowing him a gift was the last thing Levi expected. He felt a pang of guilt, not a lot but enough to make him regret some of the words he chose to spit at you. But then he remembers that defiant stubbornness of yours. It really grated on him, and it made him want to fly out of that door to confront you right then and there. He shakes his head at the thought. 
Levi finishes pouring a heap of sugar in the tea in front of him, making sure to be precise with the amount. His mind flits to the memory of your first visit to the café so long ago. Sliding on the heat guard, he then places it next to Hange’s steaming coffee.   
“Thanks, Shorty.” Hange picks up both cups and gives Levi a wink. 
“Tch, just get out of my café, will you? I have somewhere to be.” Levi pulls off his apron and hangs it up on the hook by the back wall. With his back turned, he hears Hange shuffling behind him. “What now?”  
“Nothing. It’s just,” they pause. “You two are just so alike, it’s scary. Stubborn and too proud to ask for help.” When Levi doesn’t say anything back, the doorbell rings then he’s left with silence again.  
After stepping over quickly to lock the door, he wipes his hands on a towel and saunters over to the box shining in the afternoon sun. It was a navy-blue rectangular container, about 6 inches in height. Golden constellations wrap around the whole thing, ones he could make out easily. On top sat a tule bow and a note.  
Thanks. 
Nothing else.  
Levi clicks his tongue and pops the lid off carefully. Inside sat something small and metal. He gently pulls it out with just his fingertips and upon a closer inspection, he’s shocked to find it’s a can of loose-leaf tea. Specifically, an herbal blend that’s supposed to help with relaxation and sleep. A sudden explosion of emotions came crashing down on him. Levi places the can back into the box and sets it back down before leaning against the counter behind him to steady himself. Something you had said to him a month ago reverberates in his head.  
‘Words are not always needed to convey intent.’ 
What was your intention with this, Levi contemplates to himself.  
He wonders if you like the tea. 
Half an hour later, Levi pulls up in the parking lot of the town’s general hospital. The lot was sparse, so he was able to get a good spot right at the front. He grabs the bouquet that rested gently in the passenger seat then sets out into the cold wind, heading for the visitor entrance.  
“Ah, Mr. Ackerman, welcome back and Merry Christmas.” the receptionist calls out to Levi as he steps in the sliding doors. Levi just nods in acknowledgment as he approaches the counter, doing his usual routine of signing in and taking a visitor tag.  
“How is she doing today?”  
“She’s coherent and very much looking forward to seeing you.” She smiles up at him. Levi just hums and starts in the direction he’s traveled many times before. An elevator and a maze of hallways later, he stops in front of a familiar door and raps softly against the wood. 
“Come in!” an airy voice calls out. With that, he opens the door gently and enters the room. The curtains were wide open which let in warm rays of sunshine. The whites in the room were illuminated by it, giving a very angelic glow to everything. A pallid woman sat in a bed, propped up with many pillows, and she stares lovingly to the raven-haired man standing with her favorite flowers.  
“Levi.” 
“Hi mom, Merry Christmas.” He shuts the door behind him and limps over to the chair by her bed. He places the bouquet on her lap in which she scoops them up right away to sniff them. She sighs in contentment at the sweet smell. She places them on the table next to her, promising to get a vase for them when he leaves. Then she turns back to her son and pulls one of his hands into her own and cradles it softly.  
“It’s good to see you. How are you doing today?” She squeezes his hand gently, and he stares up into eyes that match his own.   
“I’m fine. I just saw you a couple days ago, you know.” Levi rolls his eyes at her, but a genuine smile breaks out on his face. “But how are you?” 
“It’s a good day today, I think. Your uncle came by earlier but had to run off for something work related.” She waves her hand towards a large stuffed dog that sat in the corner. It had a red hat flopping in its smiling face.  
“Tch, of course he did.” 
“Don’t be so hard on him, Levi. Besides, he helped me get this for you.” She pulls away from Levi’s hand then reaches for one of her bedside tables. She pulls out a small, gift-wrapped package from a drawer and hands it to her exasperated son.  
“Mom, I said I didn’t want anything.”  
“I know but it’s your birthday and I’m your mom, so open it.”  
Levi rolls his eyes again and unwraps the paper with precision, opting to pull at the tape instead of ripping it off in one go. It’s a silver metal frame with sparrows flying around the border, a picture of his mom and him when he was just a toddler inlaid in the middle. A moment of them laughing with each other as she squeezed him in a bear hug, frozen in time. He grips the frame in both hands with care.  
“Kenny helped you with this, huh?” Levi swallows down his feelings, holding the frame close. 
“Well, the picture is mine, but he helped with the frame. Who knew that man had taste?” she chuckles softly.  
“Thanks mom, I’ll put it somewhere special.” Levi unzips his messenger bag and carefully places it in a secure pocket. Then he grabs a thermos he prepared before leaving the café, full of fresh black tea. He pulls out two teacups as well and pours the tea in each before handing them off.  
“You’re too sweet to this old lady.” 
“Tch, you’re not that old.” 
“Either way, I love you, my little Levi.” She takes a delicate sip from her cup as she settles back into her pillows. 
“Yeah, yeah.” Levi does the same with his teacup, staring out into the winter landscape through the window. It had started snowing again. He didn’t realize it, but his eyebrows furrowed as his mind wandered back to you. Were you safe? 
“Did something happen?” Her question breaks Levi out his reverie. He almost chokes on his tea, but he straightens himself up and clears his throat.  
“No. Not really. Just trying to figure someone out. They remind me of her.” Kuchel just hums in response. He continues quickly, “I brought some books, but I also have a couple of movies with me too. What do you want to do tonight?”  
Kuchel places the now empty teacup on her lap and thinks for a minute before relaxing back into the bed with her eyes closed.  
“Will you read to me?”  
Levi nods and reaches down to pull out a book about a mystical land with complex creatures and a band of misfits finding a family in one another. A small smile tugs at Levi’s lips as he curls up in the chair and starts reading, feeling at home.
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☆AN ➼ And that's it for the second chapter! I'm currently working on the third as we speak. Buckle up because if it goes as planned, you're in for some angst with some minor character death mentions. But worry not, their relationship will start ramping up after that. As always, if you like what you see, please like and reblog! See ya soon! ☆
☾ Previous Chapter: November
☾ Next Chapter: January
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sincerelydeerly · 2 months
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chop chop story boy its been 6 years you gotta make a new peepers and terry fic update ://
hi <:) please don’t send me asks like this.
i’ll say off the bat, not a boy, thanks for the misgendering
i don’t know what your intention with this wording is, but it comes across as very entitled and pretty rude. saying something like this makes me feel the opposite of motivated to give you the thing you want.
i don’t post much about my life, but 6 years ago my abusive parents who i live with divorced and i was saddled with irresponsible, immature adults who wrecked my mental state and made putting out chapter 10 almost impossible for me. if it were not for my partner, that chapter wouldn’t have happened at all.
i then had to spend the next year helping my (still abusive) mom move into a new place with me, and then COVID hit. my (still abusive) mom threatened to kick me out multiple times during these years.
throughout all of this, i pay rent to my mom, who continues to raise my rate, and keeps me barely able to pay my bills every month along with living expenses. i work as a teacher’s assistant for disabled kids and don’t get paid well for how physically exhausting the job can be.
all of this is to say that my life has not been such that writing was something i felt like i could access. for a long time i was so intensely depressed that i couldn’t even sit at my computer. the more time passed the more i hated myself for not being able to write, and i struggled to create anything at all. the words that you wrote and sent to me is the exact cruel sentiment that i berated myself with for years.
it took me intense therapy to realize that berating myself wasn’t going to make me write. the only way i was going to move forward would be to accept that i did what i did when i did to survive, and i have to forgive myself for not fulfilling my unrealistic ideal of myself. a version of me who can work full time, bare the brunt of abuse from family at home, barely make ends meet, and still write. i am a human being—i have to be able to forgive myself. hating myself kept me stuck longer than i wish, but even then i still have to forgive that version of me, that version that hated me.
the reason i even say all this is because i’m trying to allow myself to be a flawed human being in public, because that’s just what i am! a person who wanted to write and write and not stop, but has stopped for a while. for a long time, i was afraid to confront that truth, and hated myself more for it. but i want to be okay with failure. i want to know i can survive it.
i hope in the future, you wouldn’t send a stranger something like this. i hope this context helps you see how hurtful this is.
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dimonds456 · 1 year
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hi guys.
MASSIVE CW/TW for medical misconduct, strong language, disability, talk of Death and dying, transphobia / enbyphobia, and personal drama below the cut. I genuinely have no clue what to do anymore.
Also no, this isn't gonna be me asking for money or anything. I'm fine there. It's literally everything else that's the problem.
also long post.
Okay, I'm terrified and I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I keep forgetting to call my doctor, and I'm also actively trying to find a new, different doctor, but every single site to do that is either down or inaccessible as fuck. He won't answer me on the website that's supposed to let you get in touch with your doctor, and as far as I know there's no way to report him for anything he's doing to me.
I have a paper trail now and will be calling him Dr K, since he refers to himself like that in one of the screenshots I have.
For a bit of backstory, I have Graves Disease. Fucking love the name, great choice. Graves Disease is a sub-genre of hyperthyroidism, a typically genetic disease in which your thyroid- a butterfly-shaped gland located at the front of the throat that regulates your metabolism- starts over-producing hormones and doesn't stop. I've had it since middle school.
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Here they are in all their glory. For context on how bad this shit can get, my RESTING heart rate BPM was around 100. When I started running around, it got up OVER 200. THAT'S ENOUGH TO GIVE SOMEONE A HEART ATTACK. I was in middle school at the time, so adjust for how much smaller my body was, but STILL. Still terrible numbers, and I was literally in grave danger by the time I got treated.
(wow i love that its called graves disease haha such a funny name WHO NAMED THIS DISEASE I JUST WANNA FUCKING TALK)
So, since I'm 20, it's safe to assume I have the lifelong/chronic variant at this point (it festered for at least 6 months before I started getting treatment, and though it has gotten a bit better with time, not by much).
I don't care if I have to be on meds forever, that's not the problem. The problem is everything else.
Enter my two doctors, Dr M and Dr K.
Dr M was first, he was my childhood doctor and he's the one who originally started treating me. I don't remember much about him, just that he frustrated me constantly because he never listened. I'd tell him that my symptoms got worse after he lowered my dosage, and instead of talking to me about that, he'd point at a chart full of numbers that I don't understand and say "well your numbers look good so." and then proceed to continue lowering my dosage again until it because obvious to him that I was telling the truth, in which he'd up my dosage.
Now, as a kid, I was very much not outspoken. I still am not. I've never been very pushy about anything and always let people walk all over me, so I only really ever got listened to when the "numbers" started to reflect what I was saying. And yeah, my self-confidence it a whole other conversation and I do need to work on that, but also... part of being a doctor is to listen to your patient, right? So no matter how quiet or afraid I was, I should still have been heard out and treated like a person and not a goddamn statistic.
Then, I turned 18. I had until I was 19 to find an "adult" doctor, and Dr M kept seeing me until that could happen. But I had no idea how the fuck to do that. And no one explained it to me. I needed to be sat down and shown exactly how to do it step-by-step, but that never happened. I never got the help I needed.
April 7th, 2022, I turned 19 years old. Time was up, and I still didn't have a different doctor. I had no clue where to start.
I was living on my own now. I had an apartment I'd been staying in for a little less than a year, had a terrible home life with my roommates, had a 3rd shift 10 and a half-hour job + college, and no new doctor. I got one last prescription refill from Dr M, and then that was it. I wasn't allowed to see him anymore.
I kept putting off finding a new doctor because I was preoccupied with The Horrors™, something else that traumatized me last year that lasted from November 2021 to late October 2022. It went on for a literal year and I still haven't recovered from it at all, but again, that's a whole other can of worms that I cannot open yet. But the point is that I was in the mental warzone at the time, and just... never thought about a new doctor.
July 2022.
My 3 months of prescription were over. I was on the wrong dosage, and my symptoms were flaring up. BAD. And I still didn't have a doctor. Time to panic. I don't remember what happened, but my dad was able to help me find a doctor named Dr K, and we set up an appointment- 3 days before the last of my meds would have run out.
I just had to make it til then, then everything would be okay, right? I wasn't going to die- I wasn't going to die. I had to hold onto that. i wasn't going to die.
I saw him, he was able to get me on proper meds, and my dosage was upped from half a pill twice a day to 2 pills twice a day. MUCH better, it helped a lot. Thank fuck, I'm not going to die.
I thought that, maybe, finally, I got a doctor who would listen. But he doesn't. He fucking doesn't. He does the exact same thing as Dr M and only looks at "the numbers" and doesn't listen to what I'm telling him.
Fast forward to now. I am still processing The Horrors™, have (C?)PTSD, I have a new eating disorder that not even the doctors are sure wtf it is (might be ARFID? But they genuinely have no idea, I'm in a weird grey area, so THAT'S comforting), I have new weakness in my legs and arms that they don't know how that got there, I've fallen 3 times, and Graves Disease gave me an eye disease that can make me go blind if untreated. Awesome.
...Dr K still isn't listening.
My most recent appointment with him was last month, when I went to get a normal follow-up. Apparently they forgot to do labs for his stuff and just did them for my eating disorder, so he doesn't really have much to go off of in terms of "the numbers" and I'm the one who takes the blame for it, not the labwork people who forgot to take my labs while I was there getting labs. Fine. Whatever.
I tell him about my symptoms flaring back up, and he continues going on about my "numbers". Points at a graph I can't read. "Your numbers look fine." What does that mean? Idk, he didn't tell me.
During that visit, he brought up with me that I want to have top surgery. I say yes, and then he starts going off about how I need to start HRT before they can do the surgery. I ask why, and he tells me that it's just how they do things. I have to be on HRT for at least 6 months before I can get the surgery I want.
Now, I am transmasc (nonbinary). I am not against HRT, but it's not something I'm sure I want yet. I tell him as such, and he then states that "well since you're still confused, you should talk to a therapist first and then we'll go from there." BITCH I'M NOT CONFUSED. I JUST DON'T WANT HRT RIGHT NOW. I have 50 other medical problems to worry about, I'm not in a good position to start it even IF I WANTED TO. WHICH I DO NOT. I just know I want the surgery! That's it!
I tell him as such, and he keeps insisting that I'm just confused in what I want and basically said that I'm not trans enough to warrant a surgery if I don't want HRT.
Great. Well, now I'm pissed.
Two days later, I hopped onto a Discord server and asked if I was right in thinking that what he said was wrong, and everyone agreed that yeah, what he told me was fucked up. I even brought this up with my parents, who- although they do support me as an individual- are mildly transphobic, and even THEY agreed that what he told me was fucked up. I should not be FORCED into anything like that because I'm "not trans enough," that's BULLSHIT.
Anyway. At the end of my original visit with him, he sent me to get the labwork done same-day and then told me he would update me with what we were going to do.
Last Thursday, August 3rd, I got a phone call saying that he was canceling my prescription altogether.
My meds, which- as a reminder- SAVED ME FROM DYING LAST YEAR, which I know for a FACT I need to live since I was on death's doorstep just for being on the wrong dosage of these meds- yeah fuck em. You don't need them. "Your numbers are good."
The goal has been to ween me off. Slowly but surely reduce my pills a little at a time to slowly ween my body off the medication. I'm taking 30 mg a day. THIS IS NOT WEENING.
Now, I do make a comment I'm not proud of in the following screenshot, but the context is that I had already asked what the numbers meant and got brushed aside for it, both as a kid AND a teenager. I am now 20. So, of course, the "I'm not a kid anymore" thing pops up here, like the fucking cliche that I am. But I have not edited these screenshots except to blot out my picture. I refuse to edit them, just so it's crystal clear the BULLSHIT I'm dealing with.
I went onto the website and sent my doctor some questions, because I was rightfully afraid of what would happen if I suddenly couldn't take medication that I need to live. And the answer I got? Well, look.
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I just took these screenshots as I was making this post.
Yeah, so ignoring the "I'm not a kid anymore" comment (I knew I would regret writing that and I did it anyway, go me), I feel like I was professional and careful with my wording here, right? I asked each question and explained why I was asking in-depth in hope of answers. And, I numbered those questions to ensure all 4 got addressed. And all I got was MORE questions.
And he never answered. That was August 7th. It's the 10th now. And I'm suffering. My symptoms are coming back more and more each day, and I've been trying desperately to ween myself off of meds so it's not the literal sudden change that he wants for my body. And also like, I'm sorry but am I reading this right? WHAT THE FUCK DOES "NORMAL HYPERTHYROIDISM RANGE" MEAN?? DO YOU WANT ME TO GET WORSE? RESET ME BACK TO ZERO? UNDO ALL THE PROGRESS I'VE MADE? CUZ ITS WORKING.
Sitting here writing this, my thyroid hurts. I can feel the swelling going up. You can hold it between two fingers now. I'm in pain when you tug on it in a certain direction, which used to be a comforting motion of mine. My resting BPM is going back up fast, the swelling behind my eyes is getting worse (which, again, COULD MAKE ME GO BLIND), and I was super reliant on my cane for balance today, not just the weakness in my knee/hip region that I'd been using it for. I'm getting worse FAST.
I am no stranger to Death. Honestly, my relationship with Death has gone from fearful to almost friendly over time. I feel like we know each other well, they and I. After nearly drowning at age 7, I feel like we've built a pretty uncommonly close relationship with each other. I've looked into the void, it looked back, shook its head and told me to try again. Many times. Not many other people can say that.
Death has given me many chances. I keep getting lucky. But, y'know, after dancing with Death for the majority of my life and being visited by them at least twice a year at this point, you'd think I'd start to figure out the steps to keep up with them, right? Well, you underestimate my ability to dance, ever. All it takes is a touch, and Death will have me.
"Just get a new doctor!" I still don't know how, and when I want to try? The website was down (which isn't the same website as the one I use to talk to Dr K, it's a completely different site).
"Call the office and keep calling them until you get answers!" A) phone calls are scary, B) the nurses aren't going to have the answers I need, only the doctors will, and C) you can't just call your doctor, not in this fucking day and age. If I want an appointment, I gotta book it out by months.
This morning, all I had was a half a pill. I'm running low on meds, and I'm trying to take them only as needed, and with as little as possible, to preserve them for as long as I can. But with all this happening, I... I want to take another half, but that would do more harm in the end than good since I'd have less for later. My dad suggested a Tylenol, since my throat is inflamed and that might make the swelling go down (but it wouldn't address the issue in that my thyroid is making far more hormones than it should be). So now I have to choose.
I had a panic attack over this earlier. I looked up to pick up a box from a tall shelf and fell backwards- the same thing that finally convinced my parents that something might actually have been wrong with me and got me to see a doctor 6 months too late originally. Only difference is that there's no broken plate this time. All I did was look up and I stumbled backwards into the wall.
I don't want to die. Oh, stars, I don't want to die. But they're not going to refill my prescription, and I'm 86% sure my doctor is doing this on purpose because of the trans thing (you could hear it in his tone, but that's not really proof of anything). He won't explain himself, and then proceeded to ignore me when I asked for answers. I need a new doctor, but I don't know how to get one, and the website is STILL DOWN.
I'm fucked. I'm actually fucked.
Death has been kind to me before. I just have to trust that they'll be kind to me again. And I know personifying something like Death is fucking stupid but it's all I have left at this point.
I don't want to die, stars I don't. Been there done that. I just want to feel okay. I just want to feel safe. But in this body, I'll never feel safe. My Graves will never go away, and my throat is closing up what with the inflamation, and I'm in pain, and my eyes hurt, and my eating disorder keeps taking more and more away from me, and I could barely make it through fucking mini golf earlier, so how the fuck am I going to go back to work like this?! They're going to fire me, and then what? Do I just lay down and die?! Let it happen? Because if THIS is all my life is going to be, fighting just for the right to be alive from the people who are SUPPOSED to be helping me STAY alive, then what is the fucking point?!
I should clarify; I am not suicidal. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I just want to feel okay. Please, stars, that's all I want. I just want to feel safe. I just want to feel loved. I just want to feel happy. I just want to feel like it all meant something, that I can push through and use my own suffering to lift others up so they don't have to suffer like I did. The point is to ease other's suffering as much as I can. That's all I've ever wanted. But all I do is bring others down with me, because of things that are out of my control.
i'm tired. i'm hot. i'm hungry. i can't eat. i'm angry. i'm emotionless. i'm exhausted. i'm cold. i feel sick. i'm in pain. i'm numb. i just want it to be over. i want to push through. i want to give in. i want it all to stop. i want to feel safe.
...I'm gonna try the Tylenol. I can't afford to take any more of my meds.
hah, i'm like doug from portal. save em for the end times.
I just... what if my dad is right and this is all in my head? Like, it's fucking not, I can FEEL the inflamation getting bigger both on my skin and in my throat, but... what if? What if all of this is just anxiety? What if this is all just a result of my trauma from last year? fuck man, idk. i need help, and not even my therapist knows how to give it to me. i'm lost. i don't know who to talk to or who can help me.
im sorry. I'm still going to try to make as positive an impact as I can while I'm still here, but... stars, I just don't know how much time I have.
If you made it this far, take a second and count your blessings, okay? Take the time to wave to friendly faces of your past, remember things you did and people you've met. Remember your favorite childhood bookseries, or your favorite TV show. Appreciate the people closest to you. Hug your pet. Hug your siblings. Send your guardians a text appreciating them for the good memories they've given you, if you can.
Breathe. You're alive. Somehow, someway... you're alive. And isn't that wonderful? To defy the very nature of science that we still don't understand, to plant your feet on the ground and go "no, I'm here and I am alive and I live for myself"? That's incredible.
I'm alive, too. By stars I'm alive. And I'm not gonna go anywhere until I'm forced from this earth kicking and screaming. And I'm gonna try my goddamn best to make sure that every day is as good as it can be, for everyone around me. For myself.
Fuck it, we only have so much time. We gotta make the best of it, eh? Good memories. I want to go thinking about good memories. Laughter. Friends.
Maybe that could be enough.
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nightfallsystem · 1 year
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Hey, I’m a transgender adult who, despite a lifetime of dysphoria and self-hatred, didn’t realise I wasn’t cis until I was in my late twenties, and then stayed in the closet for another eight years because what if I lost my husband, what if I lost my friends, what if I lost my job, what if someone threw acid in my face…
I had a mental breakdown because it was all too much but I’m still here now just a few months from my 38th birthday. My (formerly cishet) husband has stayed with me every step of the way, he tells people he’s in love with my soul so it doesn’t matter what I look like or call myself, and that two people who love each other transcends gender or labels. He proudly calls me his husband now and would defend me with his dying breath.
My family have welcomed me with open arms, my brothers just laughed and said I had always been the most macho sibling anyway, my Mum marches in her local Pride parade and knits me trans flag sweaters.
My friends say they love me even more now because I’m really me and I’m happy all the time, they don’t have to worry about me anymore and that watching me blossom and thrive has been a beautiful experience.
My work added gender neutral bathrooms and fought with HR to allow me to change my name before I had the official documentation. I work with children with learning disabilities and they have adjusted to my new name and pronouns in a way which is truly humbling, and will defend the fact that I’m ‘not a girl’ to anyone who suggests otherwise. A six year old told me that he’s going to be “a big strong man” like me one day- I’m 5’3 and weigh 130lbs. Two kids at school have come out as queer.
I don’t pass as anything, at all, but nobody who knows me has ever used the wrong pronouns or name, and has happily included me as one of the boys in everything I do- including letting me use the mens changing rooms on swimming days and inviting me to pool night and beers. Coming out has shown me that people are okay, people will care and will stand up for you.
I don’t want to take hormones for various reasons but my husband and my mum are helping me save for top surgery, which I should be able to access in a few years, and I have a strong network of supportive queer friends.
Things are tough, life fucking sucks right now, it feels like the whole world is going to shit. But if you survive, if you persevere, if you live life as your authentic self, the only thing you’ll lose is stuff that didn’t benefit you anyway. It’s cheesy to say “it gets better” but I promise, it does. Fighting all the time is hard, but it’s worth it, and you will get to a place where the suffering seems far away.
I am ALWAYS here if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me any time. Hang in there, friend, I’m rooting for you even if it feels like no-one else is.
Love,
Arthur Xx
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THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. i love hearing your story it really gives me hope,, id say more but im really tired,, but THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
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spiremire · 11 months
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PSA for parents with young kids! please teach your kids the etiquette for approaching strange dogs, no means no!!!!
I don't generally have a lot of advice for parents, not being one myself, but I suppose this is applicable to people of all ages. I'm also hoping this is just a regional problem and that other people aren't currently dealing with this as well, but this deserves a wide audience regardless.
I live in Alaska, where most dogs are well socialized to humans and have absolutely atrocious obedience skills and manners in addition to generally being walked off leash or allowed to wander off leash.
Many times over the past year and several times in just the past few months, I have been out on a walk with my dog and we have encountered unsupervised kids in small groups who try to pet my dog without my permission. Sometimes they reach out without asking at all and other times they outright ignore my refusal after they do ask.
This is problematic in many ways, but is first and foremost very dangerous. If the dog in question is a service animal, it can endanger the handler because the dog could miss something in it's distraction. If the dog is not a service animal, then you, as a stranger, have no idea how the dog tolerates people. Dogs that don't like people deserve to go on walks as well, and they and their handlers deserve to have their boundaries respected regardless of your opinion on the matter.
Some context for my dog, specifically: he is a cattle dog I rescued from the local shelter a little over a year ago, and the shelter staff think his previous home life wasn't great. I have managed to, over the course of the last 14 months, train out his leash reactivity to cars, pedestrians, cyclists, and children. We're still working on other dogs and wildlife, but I suspect that will be much harder.
Because of his breed (he gets nippy when he's excited) and his relatively unknown history, I do not allow strangers to pet him on walks. My dog is not a bite risk (if I felt he was, he would wear a muzzle when we go out), and does not have a bite history, as far as his documentation goes. I don't want this to change, so we do not interact with strangers on walks. He also has a job (he's not a disability service animal but he is a working dog) so I don't really want him to associate being on leash with the reward of human attention, because that distracts him from his job.
The first three times we were approached by children who ignored my denial of permission, he was still highly reactive to pedestrians and children. These kids saw a snarling, barking, backing away, mean-looking dog and decided it looked like it wanted to be pet.
When supervised children approach us, I tell them that he's in training, and that's usually enough for the adult to have them move on.
When unsupervised children approach us, I tell them they cannot pet him because he isn't friendly. I make him stand between my legs a good distance off the path, and we send them on their way before we continue on. Sometimes they listen and its fine. Other times they're trying to pet him anyway. That is met with stern scolding and me physically placing my body between them and my dog.
I don't like intimidating kids this way, but it's entirely unacceptable. These unsupervised kids have ranged from something like 6 to 14. Many of them have been old enough to know better.
If you still don't get where I'm coming from, I want you to imagine a scenario where the strange dog is a bite risk. Every time you approach a strange dog, you only know what the owner tells you and when an owner tells you their dog is unfriendly, you should assume they are not lying regardless of how calm the dog is before you engage with it. In this scenario, I am out on a walk with my bite risk dog, at the time I usually go, which when I expect less people to be around for a more enjoyable and less stressful experience. I am not expecting to encounter anyone, so I do not put on my dog's muzzle (or maybe I don't have one, for some reason, but that's a different conversation for a different audience). An unexpected and unsupervised kid approaches with intent to pet (verbally communicated or otherwise) and I tell them no, not friendly.
The kid reaches to touch him anyway, and gets bit. I now have a pissed off and frightened dog to wrangle and a bleeding child to deal with. I don't know where this child lives. I don't know who is in charge of them. And with the injury, I can't guarantee that the child will be able to tell me where they live or who I should call for them. All I know is that in the eyes of the law, my dog will be at fault, and if the parent chooses to press charges, my dog will be euthanized.
TLDR: If your unsupervised kid would approach an unfriendly dog against the handler's advice, then they should not be unsupervised. Save everyone a lot of pain, medical expenses, and legal fees, and just teach your kids not to do this.
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endcant · 1 year
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its almost every day that i work out and think about one incident in high school. my marching band had finally organized a block for injured/disabled kids to stretch and do yoga-like warmups instead of high impact warmups like jogging, running, and sprinting. the kids in “injury block” told me i should join bc of my asthma, and it made my practices way better.
this was because it granted me the ability to choose WHEN my asthma attacks started during rehearsal. instead of starting every rehearsal with an asthma attack, i could save my daily mandatory asthma attack for the very end of the night, when we would march our show for several minutes at a time nonstop and then be forced (not asked or permitted) to run from our instruments and grab water and run back.
weekday band rehearsals usually started around 3 and could last until 10 pm, and on weekdays i also had dance class, where i would have already gotten in my day’s serving of cardio in the form of dancing or running. so it wasn’t like running with the band was the only source of high-impact cardio jostling my lungs each day.
if i had an asthma attack at 3:15 PM, i would be woozy and sleepy and mentally and emotionally fried during the entirety of rehearsal, including blocks where we would stand still and practice the music. if i had an asthma attack at 9:50 PM however, i could get almost 7 full hours of actual high quality practicing and rehearsal in without feeling like i had half the usual amount of braincells and jello in the place of muscles. it was a huge game-changer for me as a drummer. suddenly i wasn’t making stupid mistakes that i couldn’t explain! suddenly i was able to retain new marching coordinates and exercises! suddenly i was able to march under the weight of the heaviest drums for hours without wobbling!
of course, after a couple of months of me participating in “injury block” and getting a lot out of it, our band director noticed me there and told me i needed a doctor’s note. i told him i have asthma and i have an inhaler perscription i could show him. he told me that that would be fine this week, but every rehearsal afterwards i would need a new signed and dated doctor’s note. i knew instantly that this was ridiculous and financially prohibitive. i tried to explain the asthma attack math. he did not care. so i went back to running and having asthma attacks at the beginning of each rehearsal and throughout parts of rehearsal that i now knew didn’t have to be that hard for me.
i had friends in band who would ask me on the field to chill and take a break because my asthma attacks were scaring them, but i was quick to inform them that my asthma wasn’t considered an important or serious injury or illness by the band director. it really made me bitter and i constantly found myself having out of body experiences during band in junior and senior year.
i still work out to this day and think about how few asthma attacks i have now that i am allowed to control when and how frequently i focus on high-impact exercise. and also since i no longer have to do that running on a dusty track with 100 other kids dragging their feet in front of me. i also think about how that band director was, generally speaking, the most hands-off band director i’ve ever met. he didn’t know a damn thing about marching or playing and rarely was present or tried to give us advice. his job was basically just to hire people who had specific knowledge. but still, that day, he decided to walk out on the field and specifically target me for god knows what reason and interrogate me about why i was doing yoga instead of running in circles.
i wasn’t mad about it at the time, even. i was very trusting as a kid. i’m mad about it now, though. and whenever i attend a group workout class and and the instructor tries to tell me i can cure my asthma by “pushing through”, they can be sure they’ll never see me again.
i guess part of what maddens me about it is how nearly every adult who ever taught me anything in any of the physical activities i chose to participate in treated me like i was lazy because of my asthma. and i just believed them. so i just worked harder than i should have. at the cost of my ability to actually perform well in the activity they were supposed to be instructing me in.
the incident that made me start to realize that something was wrong was when i couldnt lunge quickly for a visual move with my drum on because the drum harness fit me wrong. the drum instructors blamed it on my lack of core strength, and i believed them, even though i could feel the drums swinging and hitting my forward leg. a huge bruise-then-bump developed that was eventually visible through shorts. this did not bother me and i showed it off to friends proudly, much to their concern. one day i went to do the move and the swing of my drums knocked me right over. i don’t remember how much it hurt, but i guess i was down for awhile because a parent who volunteered with the band ran up and took my drums off of me. this guy, some other kid’s parent, saw my leg and cursed at the drum instructors for awhile until they agreed to try to fix my harness. i felt embarrassed and was certain at the time that if i had just been more firm in my core then there wouldve been no one yelling at anyone on my behalf.
i now feel bad that i let myself be so trained out of questioning why i was in pain that my drum insteuctors had to take the fall for it. i mean, the pain of that leg injury was nothing compared to having asthma attacks every time i had to rehearse with the full band.
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