#i know this is probably incoherent LMAO

[zazrichor]

A heavily condensed process video of my latest piece. Since I didn’t think it’d go anywhere near where it went, I only hit record a little way in. This is 30 hours in 30 seconds and a little test whether I should upload the full 25 minutes ghghghfh so I thought I’d do a little no-nonsense poll on this

[jeanmoreaue]

I agree!! *an incoherent rant incoming* Jean imo def moved on from Kevin (in a romantic way; i think he’s not moved on from the whole ‘Kevin left me’ thing ofc but I think he obviously knows and accepts that he and Kevin won’t ever happen lol). And that scene with Renee was obviously a closure/farewell and they’ve moved on to being friends now (also imo while i like their dynamic i feel like they’d never work bc of the whole victim saviour complex, that’d be really uncomfortable and hard to overcome). Jeremy seems like he’s able to handle Jean’s crazy baggage without placating him too much or pushing him too hard. He definitely needs to work on his own shit first (i feel like the way he went all in on helping Jean is kind of giving ‘I am avoiding my problems by getting too involved in others’ problems’) but I think Jean will be the perfect person to help him with that! As you said he’s super perceptive and honestly very empathetic even if he doesn’t show it in the most obvious way. Jeremy would probably really appreciate Jean’s brutally honest approach lol. They’re lowkey perfect for each other ☹️ TSC2 can’t come soon enough

hardcore agree on every single point you made!! i feel exactly the same about Jean and Renee, as much as their dynamic is sweet, i think it would be really difficult to overcome Jean feeling indebted to her (whereas Jean and Jeremy are both growing together) + ya i think Jean has very complicated feelings toward Kevin but i don’t think he’s actively yearning over Kevin anymore

and exactlyy i definitely imagine Jean quietly picking up on whatever Jeremy’s going through and expressing concern only for Jeremy to try and pull a “my problems aren’t that bad and therefore don’t matter” which i don’t see Jean accepting. especially since Jean has an ‘older brother who cares more about other people’s well-being more than his own well-being’ vibe (underneath his slightly prickly attitude lol) i think Jeremy and Jean are really good for each other, Kevin subconsciously knew what he was doing by having Jean transfer to USC 🤨

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

[turniparts]

I may be screaming into a void here, but is there anyone else out there who loves the Life Series SMP/Traffic Life and Omori?? I know there probably isn't a whole lot of crossover, but I have been in the life series fandom since the start, and I recently played Omori and got brainrot, so of course the logical next step was to combine the two, and now I have all these parallels between the life series winners and Omori characters and I drew out character sheets... I may be going a little insane. Anyway I'm just wondering if anyone out there also has these two interests so I don't have to try to explain two pieces of media at once to my poor friends <3

[thegreatyin]

okay so with the naturalist done let's go a bit weird

1, 9, 24 and 25, for The Boatman.

1 - Why do you like or dislike this character?

The chess games you can play with him are really fun. I love how the difficulty organically builds up over time the further you go and the more your PC perishes- it really feels like you're slowly bonding with the guy, getting more comfortable with him, getting more comfortable with the Neath in general, etc etc. Even if the watchful checks are a bitch by the time you hit endgame.

Seriously, look at this! Look at the progression!! It's so charming. I love it so much. I may be losing in my boardgames but I am winning in my heart.

-

9 - Could you be roommates with this character?

Hell yeah!! The Scoundrel is already practically roommates given how much they've died already/die on a bi-weekly basis. I wouldn't mind a skeleton homie. He's a little... intense, but he's a cool guy. I think we could hang out together. Some time off that boat would definitely do him good.

-

24 - What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

I mean... pretty much any form of death/the grim reaper in any sort of media, really? He's pretty archetypal. If it's a skeleton representing death, it's reminiscent of him.

-

25 - What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

At first: eyy what's up my dude (fascinated by the new zone, passing 100% watchful checks with ease)

Now: EYYYY what's UP my dude (just chillin', failing a 63% watchful check 7 times in a row)

[meggie-moo]

Growing up is no longer hating Kikyo from inuyasha but actually finding her funny.

Like, girl spent her whole first life being nice, and “pure” do to the whole jewel situation, then dies. then she’s brought back from the dead, and decides, “you know what? in my second life I’m going to be a bitch” and I dare say that’s iconic of her.

[suncaptor]

it just makes me want to scream how ableism has shaped nearly every aspect of my life and is so intense and prevalent and yet people just don't give a fuck

[dire-kumori]

Oh and i had a question about, like, logistics of the reaper au!

Assuming there's a possible ending where reaper Mike dies and young Mike manages to live... do you think it would change things? Would it matter, in the end?

Or is Evan still fated to die at Mike’s hands, is Liz still fated to die, too? Is young Mike still fated to grow up and get scooped before ultimately dying while trying to kill his younger self? (Which is just... very, very sad and horrific in so many ways)

Because if none of these things happen, it could create a paradox; where would reaper Mike have come from if Evan and Liz never die, and Mike never gets scooped?

...Very good question.

Okay, so I like to think that Reaper Mike's mission is ultimately doomed to fail. Obviously he's never going to successfully erase his past self. But after a while, it's stopped being about 'making things right' and 'protecting Evan' and more about 'hurting (kid) Mike as much as possible,' so that doesn't really matter to him. At a certain point he just kind of stops being 'Michael Afton' and just becomes 'the Reaper.'

But Reaper Mike isn't the only one who's changed by the repeated loops. Even with the memories fragmented, young Mike is living out... weeks? Months? Hell, maybe even years in this loop. He's growing up, essentially, but without aging. I mean, of course his emotional and mental maturity is skewed because - [vague gesture at the blood-soaked death parade he's trapped in] - but after a certain number of loops he isn't quite the same person who would have thoughtlessly shoved his brother's head into moving machine parts. Especially not when he still has the broken images of Evan sobbing hysterically and begging the somebody to stop hurting his brother (the Reaper turning its fury onto Evan for daring to get between him and his target, past Mike throwing himself over Evan's little body in a vain attempt to at the very least save Evan's life, if not his own) floating around in his brain.

Can you tell I'm just word vomiting at this point? I kind of lost track of the original question.

I'm not 100% what this would mean for the Reaper Mike because with past Mike growing and changing, the Reaper would inevitably change as well. I like throwing characters up against forces or circumstances beyond their control, but I don't like saying things are just fated to happen. If things play out the same way again, it's because factors leading to those events are still the same. It might actually be that so long as Reaper Mike is stuck outside of his own time, he's largely unaffected by changes made to his past aside from some ripples in his memories. He was pretty shocked when his past self made choices he was certain he never would have made, such as seeking vengeance for Evan's sake after the loop where the Reaper killed them both. So scratch what I said above, past Mike is growing, while Reaper Mike stagnates, wallowing in his self-loathing.

[normal-looking-male]

Normal person: Misogynistic men seething about the Barbie movie are cringe.

Some weird little beast in the notes:

Girl, you sound like the girl version of an incel. That's not a good thing.

[rainybraindays]

I don't think I understand the obsession some fandoms have with stripping interesting complex characters down to their barest bits and throwithe rest away, especially when they either lean into only the negatives or postives of them.

Like personally I don't want a character thats shown as endlessly compassionate selfless and kind, who can't take or face any consequences and only ever has the purest of intentions. I also don't really want a character who's just entirely selfish, who has not patience and cares for no one in their life, not caring if they hurt those around them.

I'm not saying those are necessarily bad characters, hell there are a few I like, but they're so...bland most of the time? And incredibly hard to get right I feel like because they don't really have a broad range of characteristics to work with.

I LOVE characters who only have so much patience, but stretch it to its absolute limit for those they love. Who do things not just to help others but because it can also benefit themselves. Characters who don't mean to hurt people they love but they do, and now they're being forced to deal with what that means for their relationships. Characters who misspeak, or word things wrong, characters who make mistakes, and are actively being set up to grow and learn from said mistakes.

It's just wild to me that we have characters like that, but fanon interpretations always turn then into these hollow shells.

Hes fully evil, everything he does is for himself and no one else, they'll say about a male character who has trauma and is clearly just trying to survive by whatever means necessary, gaining more trauma for himself.

Shes wholly good, and she has the purest intentions, no one understands her they'll cry about a character who is actively hurting people unintentionally through their actions because they're young and dumb, and trying their best but ultimately stumbling.

Its just so boring and I don't understand the obsession with all but ruining interesting characters to make them idk, more palatable maybe???

[imwritesometimes]

I am once again complaining about the fact that EA no longer allows you to get just the bb items from expansion packs for a lesser fee....

[unproduciblesmackdown]

akd as lucifer (the mysteries)

[1nfine77]

hhahahaha i disappeared again. woops.

scripting/worldbuilding wrt dr ramble under cut. no promises for this making any sense.

anyway - i've sat down and properly started getting to grips with my script, now that i'm done with exams, and the sheer amount of worldbuilding i want to do first is... oh boy.

shifting to a modded version of a video game universe, particularly mc in this case, is an... experience in trust when you leave it all alone, i want to say, because of how many mods do not integrate with one another. you'll get add-on mods and you'll get mods that acknowledge one another or will use one another's components, but in terms of the story or base mechanics of each mod, you tend to end up with a lot of disparate parts with their own separate and unrelated progressions and ways of dealing with base game things. in order to progress through two progression-based mods, you need to do them at the same time or else you'll be at end-game with one and then returning to square-zero in order to do anything with the other.

(better yet, you'll get mods with conflicting storylines or progressions, where trying to build a world where you focus on one will, on an in-game story level, lock you out of another, or where doing two mods at once will essentially mean you're tokyo drifting across what are essentially two very different belief systems without ever really trying to cohere them. which is whatever, but it does me in.)

or you'll get one mod completely overpowering another in terms of what it can achieve, and i want to level the playing field a bit and make some things more powerful and others less in order to counterbalance this a little. or at least have one be a natural progression of another, or have this one thing be useful in this case but in the general case, this other thing is preferred, etc etc.

and since i'm here with notion in front of me, i may as well grapple with the problem i have just noticed and shape a solution for it myself rather than leaving it up to chance.

(i also have like... ten separate 'magic systems'* i want to try to develop as different explanations for and beliefs surrounding the same or similar sets of phenomena**, each with their own key figures in their development, but... fuck, that's a task, i've realised lmao, especially because i am dealing, in the dr, with a truckload of forgotten and lost history due to the nature of the dr.)

i essentially need to deconstruct every single component of what makes up my dr and decide, on a case-by-case basis, whether to synthesise it with a previously unrelated part of a different component, dismiss it entirely (either because i don't like it or because it doesn't fit), treat it as its own phenomenon or adjust it so that it no longer leans on cr-related, and therefore dr-foreign, concepts.

and again - there is technically no need for me to fight with this. but i'm here and i may as well, and having the extra bit of knowledge of where i'm headed is likely going to help.

honestly my entire script sucks because of these... major oversights. sure, i have changed major mechanics on the way, which doesn't help, but then there's things like this that are genuine sandpaper to my brain. i visualise myself doing a specific thing in my dr and get taken completely out of it by the hard-clash of that thing and some other fucking thing from another fucking mod, both of which apparently sit comfortably in the same universe from which they both originated (anything that can be explained from 'idk it came from outer space/another dimension/etc.' is being left that way thanks).

this is a long-winded way to say that i may as well write a book at this point if i am going to be this fucking bent on logical consistency in a god damn fantasy setting. if i get too in the weeds with this and start going down the rabbit hole of conlangs, and then trying to make creole languages out of those conlangs, then i guess i better give up and admit i'm subconsciously trying to be tolkien.

*oh - and i finally realised, after four fucking years of being bent on the same exact dr, that no, the laws of physics and reality will be different there than they are here, and so what i am seeing as a magic system may well be equivalent in sense and rationality (with regards to explaining external phenomena) to. idk. physics. wards - as in, physical unopenable doors and literal invisible barriers - may well be as common and usual as fucking gravity, and it's my cr headspace - and the way these things are treated in the mod, honestly - that's making that complicated for me.

**i do have some 'magic systems' that touch on, like, specifically plants, or specifically astrology, that i can pretty much leave alone because they have their own... spheres of influence that other systems don't really interact with, but even with these i want some mutual acknowledgement.

[mosspapi]

Every day I wake up and tell myself that surely I'll feel better mentally today, surely I'll be done spiralling and it was all just a fluke of my immune system just like it has been in the past. And every night I go to bed calling myself a naive fucking idiot and a pathetic waste of space. I'm getting sick of this shit dude can my brain not be normal for two goddamn minutes

[asmileforyourscrapbooks]

OMFG THIS COMMENT. GUISE. THAT LAST SENTENCE IS SO FUCKING RAW

edit: i see a lot of people arguing over the 'eat the rich' thing and i'd like to clear up my standing currently! i know they aren't the same kind of fancy multi-million corporation that our beloved phrase talks about, and the reason i agree to a point with this comment is that watcher is evidently trying to become that. they're doing some shitty things in regards do disregarding poorer fans, and are seemingly blatantly ignoring the economic crisis by saying 'everyone can afford that!', all in direct contrast to their entire branding of being leftist and openly supporting things like eat the rich.

"You said 'eat the rich' then handed us the forks, laid on the plate, and expected us to spare you?" at least from my understanding isn't flat-out saying watcher are now the rich we eat, but are well on the track to becoming so, and are quickly developing the same ego.

BUT!! don't like people directly hating on steven like that!! they're all grown men who can make their own decisions, and pretending like shane and ryan are out little baby beans and then calling steven evil and whatnot isn't okay. they can all be held equally accountable. though i do somewhat understand being the most disappointed in shane, as he's the one who speaks on shit like eating the rich the most, and is generally more outward with his ideals, so it's perfectly reasonable to feel betrayed more deeply. but bottom line is they're all equally accountable for this decision.

some shit we can't take back. i probably got pissed and said some weird/uncool shit initially because of the intense emotions i was dealing with, which other people amplified. i do regret some of the things i've said to a point when it comes to being hateful, but i can't just un-say it all, so i'm not even going to try. i'm going to leave everything be and allow it to serve as something to look back on for what not to do in future circumstances. while this new path for watcher is, in my opinion, not the smartest and generally really shitty, they're human beings who make mistakes, and they deserve our acknowledgement of that.

in short, i don't like it but i'll stop being a bitch about it because they don't deserve that. also sorry for the wall of (probably incoherent lmao) text i got passionate <3

edit 2: guys. im screaming. the apology was amazing imo and i genuinely think they really mean it, like it doesn't seem bullshitted. i think they realized they fucked up for reals and feel bad. im so happy for them, but also for us as fans. yay :D

[rockmonopoly]

Always figuring out what to say in important conversations literally multiple hours after they’ve happened. Like sorry I didn’t contribute at the time. When you asked for help. Now I know what to say but it’s probably too late so I’ll just not say anything. It probably would’ve been awkward either way