#i left it vague but my ideal end to this is some kind of relationship kfhejn

[arsenicflame]

modern au where ed + jack have spent the last several decades buying izzy the absolute DUMBEST shirts for every occasion- its a competition between them at this point- whoever gets izzy the shirt that makes him groan louder wins. izzy complains about this ridiculous tradition but he secretly loves it, has kept every single shirt, and often even sleeps in them (he will kill anyone who ever finds out)

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

March 10th

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1. Alright, I’m in need of some help finding a fic! I remember a few things but haven’t been able to find it yet in my history and I apparently didn’t bookmark it like a dumbass! Anyway, I remember that it was canon divergent around the time of Sunshot, I remember that JZX is stabby because he’s half Yu and they’re the clan where you have to be inventive as well as stabby to earn your place? The Yunmeng trio go to Meishan to get help and I believe Yanli is sect leader so it might be a no golden core transfer fic? The thing I remember most is that JZX kills Wen Xu himself (with a poison knife?), and the intricacy of the traps you have to work through in order to get into Meishan territory. Hopefully this is specific enough! Thanks! @belovedmuerto

FOUND! Moments of Revelation by meyari (T, 133k, ChengSang, WangXian, XiYao, POV JC, Canon Divergence, Temporary Character Death, Character Death, not anyone we care about, Time Travel Fix-It Self-Sacrifice, Torture, Chronic Pain, Chronic anxiety, Grief/Mourning, PTSD, Chronic Mental Health Issues, Assassination, renamed MY, Families of Choice, Unreliable Narrator(s), Demonic Possession)

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2. Hi! I'm looking for a fic I've read where wwx reincarnates and lwj tries to say i love you to him but wwx keeps on deflecting or just says thank you. I think lwj also tries to make wwx fall in love with him again because wwx is afraid to give his love to lwj again after what he did to him. AHHHH I really need to read it againnn!! Thank you so much for your help!

FOUND? When the Words Stop Coming by mrcformoso (T, 7k, WangXian, Canon Compliant, POV WWX, POV LWJ, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Pre-Sunshot Campaign, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, Canonical Character Death, Love Confessions, Rejection, LWJ is a Panicked Gay, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Trauma, WangXian Get a Happy Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sad with a Happy Ending)

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3. Hi! i'm looking for a fic: omegaverse. yllz!wwx and general!lwj, more or less. at the start the two don't know each other (iirc), and lwj has basically been sent to negotiate with wwx, ideally for a surrender. they decide to have a duel and it becomes clear part way through that wwx is an omega. lwj kind of loses control of his instincts and bites wwx as like, a dominance thing in the fight, but then things get kind of hand (in a sexy way). i think they get together after that? thank you <;3 @motherfuckingnazgul

FOUND! take a chance on me by gremlinsae (E, 9k, WangXian, A/B/O Dynamics, Accidental Bonding, dubcon, Swordfighting, Angst, Fluff, Smut, Canon Sexual Dynamic, Scenting, Badass WWX, Banter, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Royalty, cw: discussion of omega trafficking and sexual assault, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault)

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4. Shifting through my read history continues to be an exercise in making myself cross-eyed, so: looking for a fic where JC is under the impression that LWJ lost someone (he thinks it's probably LSZ's mother) because of WWX. In one scene, he's eavesdropping on the junior quartet from an indoor balcony. Then some years later he realizes that the person lost was actually WWX himself; what helps him come to this conclusion is a song WWX used to sing that he overhears LSZ singing a modified version of while on a night hunt(?). @linderel

FOUND! sing to the clouds in summer by stiltonbasket (G, 28k, JC & WWX, JC & JL, wangxian, JL & LSZ & LJY & OYZZ, 13k words of JC figuring out that LSZ is his nephew, ft. LXC and NHS the overprotective uncles, and LWJ giving JC death glares, Family Secrets, Reconciliation, Sad JC, Uncle-Nephew Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Podfic Available)

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5. Hello! I’m looking for a fic where it’s single dad!lwj and his babysitter was abusing a yuan ?? Or left him somewhere. and WWX sees it, realizes he’s a lan and says the kid is lucky because chances are he knows who his dad is. Then he calls LWJ’s law office to speak with him?

Sorry it’s so vague that’s all I remember lol. Thanks for all that you do for this fandom!❤️

FOUND? 🧡 Yiling Salon: Hair, Nails and Piercing by TriviasFolly (T, 22k, WangXian, Modern AU, Hairstylist AU, Hairstylist WWX, 5+1 Things, Fluff, Experimental style) Not sure if it's the best fit, based on the summary, but it made me think of that fic

FOUND? five years gone by quillifer (E, 14k, WangXian, Mpreg, a/b/o dynamics, Alpha WWX, Omega LWJ, Breakup/makeup, Miscommunication, Pregnant Sex, consent is king, soft sad and horny, Happy Ending, Bottom LWJ, Top WWX, Hurt/Comfort, Modern AU, Unplanned Pregnancy)

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6. Hi Mods. You guys are doing a fantastic job as always with this blog. It's definitely become my miracle drug for all things MDZS. On that note, HELP! I can't seem to find a specific canon-divergent WX story. Two monks/rogue cultivators find unconscious WWX after he's been strangled by JC. They take him in. He learns art/crafting from them. They adopt him. He only runs into LWJ between commissions and travel with his master. He makes the village a Wen sanctuary and helps the common people in SSC @jovialtyrantdreamer

FOUND? 🔒 Away from Trouble by Ilona22 (M, 15k, wangxian, Alternate Universe, Not JC Friendly, WangXian Get a Happy Ending)

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7. hi... could you help me find a fic I read a while ago? wwx and lwj are trapped in the turtle cave... without energy... they do double cultivation (through sex*)

Time passes to the part where wwx is given hi core jc

When WQ removes WWX's core, he discovers that he was pregnant...

It's not Omegaverse

FOUND! Impermanence, Transience, Permanence by Best Bepsy (BepsyGray) (E, 39k, wangxian, canon divergence, unplanned pregnancy, mpreg, gore, sunshot campaign, assumed miscarriage, medical procedures, childbirth, golden core reveal)

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8. Hello it's me again!! I remember reading a fic where Wei Wuxian could control dead animals. There was this particular instance of a black puppy owned by Jin Zixuan which later turned into a yao? I have forgotten the rest since I read it a couple of years ago.

Again thank you for your amazing work!! @yilinglaobunny

FOUND? 🧡 a stone to break your soul, a song to save it by rikke ( M, 180k, WangXian, Arranged marriage, Canon Divergence, Hurt/comfort, Light angst, Canon typical violence)

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9. Hi! I’ve been looking for a fic for a while that I read about a year ago. I was wondering if you knew it? It’s Wangxian and they become friends in the Cloud Recesses Arc. But while they’re studying there, they learn that they can use their golden cores to sort of fuse into one person. All the cultivators can do this in this au. It’s a multi chapter fic, but I don’t remember much else about it other than it was really good and I haven’t been able to find it since. 🥲 @0utertale

FOUND! ❤️ Gentians in bloom by teawater (M, 251k, WangXian, XiQing, XuanLi, Canon Divergence, Political Marriage, Dysfunctional Family, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, LQR bashing (not really), POV Multiple, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Eventual Happy Ending, BAMF WWX, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, madam yu bashing (again not completely), MXY Deserves Better)

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10. i sent this before but i think it might've gotten lost last round, im looking for a modern au where lan zhan lost track of wy after he claimed to be the father of wq's child and they bailed. wy wasn't the child, jc was, but jc dumped her when her family had troubles and then claimed she "slept around" when wy claimed his baby; wy, naturally, punched him about it and raised ayuan. lz is ashamed of abandoning him during the scandal when they meet again years later but they work it out and wq coparents

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11. Hey I’m trying to a find a fic but I only remember one scene

It’s might be a time travle fic idk

It’s where wwx got the swords back from the wen indoctrination camp and when thanked he says consider it there jiangs contribution to the war

And nmj noticed this and his wording bc of the state the sect is in(madame yu might be alive in the fic I can’t quite remember) and admirers how he’s doing that feather then just taking all of the credit for himself @zerokogane

FOUND! Half of my soul by Asphodel_Meadow (T, 8k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, No Golden Core Transfer, Fix-It, 5+1 Things, kinda soul bond but with their golden cores, POV Outsider, POV Alternating)

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12. Looking for a fic I read a while back— teenage/sunshot era LWJ time travels to the future and wakes up in bed with WWX. I clearly remember LWJ freaking out when WWX wakes up because there’s a baby in WWX’s arms.

FOUND? These Two Most Powerful by stiltonbasket (G, 4k, wangxian, LXC & LWJ, Married Life, Family Feels, Parenthood, Temporary Amnesia, Time Travel, it’s amnesia but it feels like time travel to LWJ, wangxian have more babies, and they are the cutest buns, not your average amnesia fic? there’s no drama here tbh, just soft husbands carrying on with fatherhood, And loving each other, Mild Angst, Happy Ending)

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13. hi! i'm looking for a fic where lz moves into wy's apartment because of the cheap rent but it's cheap because wy has like 2 panthers(?) living with him. i rly hope it hasn't been deleted cause i've been searching for a bit and can't find it

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14. hello! this is for the fic finder, there was this fic I remember specifically bc of one scene with jc. essentially, there was a little girl that fell into a lake in lp, while her mother was busy doing smth on a boat?? it was harvest season, I think. I remember that both jc and wwx fell into the lake to find the little one and what made me remember that fic was that jc lit up the whole lake with zidian. I think it was a long fic and in the end he also married the girl's mother. oh I'm pretty sure that jyl and jzx were alive too but I could be wrong.

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15. Hi! I am looking for a fic.All I remember is that Wei Wuxian arrives to the cloud recess and he meets Wanji. He talks about his future special one that when he fights and claims them he wants everyone to know that. But instead Lan Zhan corners him several times outdoors and in the library. And in the end Wei Wuxian is the one being claimed. I think I read it on ao3 and that this author had several good works. But I can't find them now 😭

FOUND? teeth on my waist (i come undone) by martyrsdaughter (E, 20k, WangXian, A/B/O Dynamics Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Public Claiming, Sexual Tension, Obliviousness, Canon Era, Cloud Recesses Study Arc Exhibitionism, Public Humiliation, Dom/sub, Bondage, Masturbation, forced presentation, Dubious Consent, Knotting, Come Marking, Come Shot, Non-Consensual Spanking, LWJ and WWX Have a Breeding Kink, Pregnancy Kink, Some Feminized Language, Subspace, Rimming)

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16. hii can you help me? there is a fic i thought i added to marked for ltr but i cant find it anywhere :(

it was about jin ling hurting wei wuxian after his identity reveal in the carp tower, but the wound was way more serious,, i think in the fanfic's description was "jin ling got more time to rethink everything after wei wuxian blah blah" or smth similiar; also i'm pretty sure there was a tag about stomach infection or stomach wound infection basically a fic about wei wuxian being hurt lol

thanks&lt;;3 @r3n-vy

FOUND? Sorry and Thank You by Morgana_avalon (G, 57k, wangxian, LXC & LWJ, JL & LSZ & LJY, JL & NHS, LXC & NHS, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, JL suffering an emotional breakdown, JL stabbing WWX at the Jinlintai, Introspection, canon divergent but also canon compliant, Bad brother JC (but not too bad), NHS taking an interest in JL, painful and infected stomach wound, LXC to the rescue, WWX & LWJ are married, WWX has no golden core, NHS's hand fan is not what it seems, NHS is a determined little devil)

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17. There's a fic where they used incense burner again and Lwj is sentient but wwx-in the dream he's freshly resurrected wwx-is not. Lwj fucks him and Wwx is pleading with him to stop But then Lwj says in his ear, "you like it when I rape you.

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18. Hi! I'm looking for a fic where, post Fall of Lotus Pier, JC chokes WWX to death and his corpse is found by LWJ. Sadly I don't remember any more details. Thanks! @lucicarebloggs

Found?🔒 a star called sun by thelastdboy (E, 120k, WangXian, SongXiao, XuanLi, Canon Divergence after Xuanwu Cave, Fall of Lotus Pier, But worse!, Power Imbalance, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Not Everyone Dies AU, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Canon-Typical Violence, Sunshot Campaign, Miscommunication, Heavy Angst with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Major Character Injury, Loss of Limbs, Chronic Illness, Seizures, WWX's Three Months in the Burial Mounds, Wēn Remnants Live, Wēn Remnants Deserve Better, WWX Creates a Sect | Yílíng Wèi Sect, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Hurt/Comfort, Selectively Mute LWJ, Service Animals, Crows)

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19. Hi! 🤗 I'm looking for a fic.

I don't remember much, but I remember some scenes. The idea of the story was something like if you can't beat them, join them to your sect. WWX doesn't create the Wei sect, but everyone seems to think so. Meng Yao gets locked up in Yilling and becomes something like the administrator of WWX. NHS has an information network and gives everyone a messenger bird except WWX and WWX makes a dead bird serve him. A crow, I think. I think NHS also brings them food and helps improve the town. And I also think he makes the design of Wei Ying's sect's robes.

I don't remember more, but I know that I really liked the Fic and it was long.

Thanks! I hope you can help me find it. 💕 @wangxiansgirl

FOUND! if you can’t beat them, recruit them by moeblobmegane (T, 228k, Wangxian, NHS & WWX, WWX & WQ, Time Travel Fix-It, Conspiracy, Spies & Secret Agents, Team as Family, Found Family, Burial Mounds, Temporary Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, Pining, Morally Ambiguous Character, Rumors, Politics, Developing Friendships, Good Uncle LQR, Demonic Cultivation, YilingWei Sect)

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20. Heyy! Looking for a fic where lwj was a single parent, I don't remember the other details but it came out that jyl (who was friends with lwj) was sending baby pictures of a-yuan to wwx to help him recover/keep going. Can't remember which fic this was. @vulpeculatee

FOUND! box your errors by mellowflicker (T, 42k, WangXian, Modern AU, single dad lwj, Domestic Fluff, Family Issues, Slow Burn, Kid Fic, let lwj have friends agenda, Hurt/Comfort, Pining)

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[gardenofradiostatic]

Thinking about the inevitable parallels in season 2. According to the reddit qna about both seasons and Jason Spisak being a terrible liar, we will be getting some kind of flashback involving silco. It was unclear whether this was going to be Silco with a young jinx or young Silco and Vander in their revolutionary juvenile delinquent days (my bets are on both). Another thing we should definitely entirely be getting; the Jayce and Viktor fall out, which could very well be left open ended/no post divorce.

Given the fact that characters are going to be flipped on their heads, sympathy should be played towards Jayce in this season, not Viktor. And also league Viktor is kind of meant to be seen as a villain or antagonist, regardless of morality or personal quality. Anyways, Jayce is the sensible one here, and Viktor is the one with the crazy ideals, the far fetched *revolution*, the immoral plots and schemes and whatnot. Sound familiar? This is (in my opinion) what the flashbacks between Silco and Vander were meant to imply, unless of course that also gets changed. I think that we will see the birth of Viktor and silcos respective r/evolutions play out side by side, most likely via beginning of episode flashback. I think this also means that we will see the Meaty Emotional Conversation Girth (how Vander/jayce came to betray Silco/viktor) behind both the Jayce and Viktor fall out and the Silco and Vander fall out happen in a similar manner.

TL; DR -> Jayce and Viktor+ Vander and Silco both “brothers” type relationship with vague homosexual undertones. Partial s2 crew hinting tells me we will watch them both break up side by side in season 2.

[desultory-novice]

CW: Serious but vague talk about the complex feelings associated with the loss of a loved one and mourning - both in Kirby and in real life. Some personal stuff and once more for good measure mentions of death and mourning.

-

I know I don't owe anyone an excuse for my brief absence, but I was completely caught off guard this year when I realized the anniversary of Planet Robobot fell just days before the passing of my own father last year. No surprise I didn't make the connection last year, but it hit me this year and it hit hard.

I know that they're not the fandom's most popular characters ("most hated" may be more like it?) but I feel almost painfully close to the story of Susanna Patrya Haltmann and Max Profitt Haltmann. For I was also a child who was torn between being really mad at my father for his flaws and mistakes while also pining for this idealized parent-child relationship we didn't have, to the point of often spurning the bond we did have because it wasn't going the way I imagined it. I also had to watch close up as he wasted away, his senses going one by one, till he looked more and more like a fading shell of a person.

...You know, I didn't even finish playing PR until last year or maybe the year before? Of course I knew the story spoilers. But I couldn't make myself play it. I finally did because I felt I had to. And I'm glad, even if finishing it left me with a weird sense of sadness. A sense of sadness that finally came full circle a few months later...

I thought I would draw something for the anniversary this year. Something sad, bittersweet, poignant, meaningful. Something akin to a tribute. But my pen just wouldn't move. I don't think I have the words or the visuals to fully express what I felt about it right now. It's why, even though I really do like these two characters, I hardly ever draw them.

It's this closeness that renders them blurry in my vision.

...I suppose I might as well talk about this while I'm here, but I have this ask in my inbox about the Merry Magoland Branch AU. About Joronia and Max and what happens to them after their souls are freed.

'Do they come back to life?'

...God, I've written one thousand answers to that post in my head.

Part of my brain says the "right" answer to give - here on my Kirby blog where every story has a happy ending or at least a chance at salvation no matter how grim - is "of course they come back to life!" The Merry Magoland Branch AU is a sad but cutesy fractured fairy tale of a story where everyone ends up better than they started! Besides, they’re already souls. What else would happen to them? Just quietly go off to rest? That wouldn’t be satisfying!

...

But another part of me looks at "Kirby," a series that has characters who have "died" and come back to life and characters who have died and stayed dead and I feel like, as painful as it is to those such as the Sectaranza shippers and the other fans of of the implied dead cast members...

...they're not coming back. They can't come back. They shouldn't come back. Even in a completely fictional setting, even in a silly AU, it is hard for me, personally, to make myself change what has happened. What has been done. 

Don't get me wrong, I've even scribbled out a few "everyone lives!" scenarios but I've never been able to draw a single one... I tell myself that if a miracle happens and one day I'm scouted to make a Kirby comic or animated series or movie, something where I get to retell the world from the beginning, I would not have it so the "dead" characters die, if only because they are unique enough that I would want them around to use for future stories. Like Moretsu Pupupu Hour, with its funny Sectonia who is literally allergic to peace. Or that one manga I haven't read where Susie and her father run some kind of puzzle store??

But again, that would be a Kirby I had control of from the beginning.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of Kirby the series for not being so grimdark “realism” that Marx, upon blowing up, turns into meat pasta and instead comes back with a smile and laugh to kick exploding jester balls at people all because you waved a magic heart-shaped wand. 

And I'm absolutely content with letting spunky wizard Magolor mercilessly fight his way back through some sort of purgatory dimension and start life over as a medieval salesperson, building up good karma one microtransaction at a time. I think that stuff is important. (Well, not so much the microstransactions.) But I'm also proud of it for letting some characters... not come back. 

Dark Matter Blade is both a badass and strangely attractive (...just me?) for an eyeball made of dark matter but despite the fact that maybe all he wanted was friends, despite the fact that it's implied he rescued Gooey from Dark Matter and hid him on Popstar to protect him from Zero, despite the fact that he should have become a good guy and was instead used heartlessly by Zero like ammunition, losing the few marks of individuality he'd been able to keep thus far (his hair and armor and cape) he's just gone. He'll never join the others on Popstar. Never enjoy the warmth of a spring day or get to be a sibling to Gooey. He'll never even get to explain things to poor Gooey that they ought to know, and he was probably the only one who could.

It's tragic. It's upsetting. It's unfair.

And it's...important, much as I hate to say it.

Dess secret... but I actually get a little mad when people want Taranza to "...hurry up and find a new girlfriend and stop being in mourning all the time" because... I think it's okay for Kirby to have "a character who is in mourning." I suppose there's no real reason he can't be "character who was in mourning who was able to find love again" but I also kind of like that he's THERE as a character for anyone who has lost a loved one and is still sad about it. For those who haven't begun rebuilding their life just yet.

Gooey is the one who lost someone without every really knowing what he had/could have had. Susie is the one who lost someone and also has to get back to work because that's a real thing too.

I didn't really mean to talk about death and mourning in Kirby (for a second time) but I think part of me had to as well. At least if I was ever going to go back to regular posting. I don't even really feel as if I even captured everything there was to say. Like I said, I don't really have the words. 

But, yeah, anyway, if you've ever seen me politely push back when someone brings up Susie or Max discourse of the negative variety on my blog, hopefully you have a slightly better understanding as to why I respond the way I do.

[maddy-ferguson]

Ik you don't like ambigulous sexuality Mike so I would like to know, do you think canonically Mike will be explicitly gay? I don't even mean like saying the word gay I mean even just explaining that he didn't like El romantically. Bc I'm confident in endgame Byler but I find a lot of gay Mike theories far fetched in the sense that it makes sense but I don't really believe they'd do that in canon and I don't think it's what the Duffers intended (like the Phoebe Cates scene). I think that if they wanted to do explicitly gay Mike then they dragged on the Melvin storyline for way too long for it to make sense to anyone who isn't spending time analyzing Mike's behavior because so much gay mike proof is so subtle unlike general Byler proof which a lot of the GA has picked up on.

I know the show certainly shouldn't cater to the GA, but it should still be understandable to the audience even if they haven't spent hours analyzing, and I think by now they've passed the point where they could convincingly show that Mike never liked El romantically in the first place.

I know I sound like I'm repeating a lot of Byler anti talking points so sorry if I sound like a Byler anti, I promise I'm not. I just really don't understand how they would do gay Mike and would like to hear what you think.

this is from a week ago and i've talked about it again since but i was so flattered that you a) knew i don't like ambiguous sexuality mike and b) wanted to ask this to me. <3 and don't preemptively apologize omg i love you

i honestly feel like the main thing is an unhappy mlvn breakup. think this. in spirit. i am sorry to every platonic elmike enjoyer i think they could've had a relatively fun onscreen dynamic post-breakup had the s3 breakup been final i really do but this is a post-season 4 world. failed monologue and all that. only one season left. i need it to be clear somehow someway that this relationship hurt el and that their relationship was bad from the get-go. no idea how realistic this is btw but i feel like they can't afford to have them break up off-screen or to have it be vague à la season 2 stncy because it's their quote unquote main couple lol.

i feel like making it apparent that the relationship was bad for both of them would be ideal. and specifically el not being all mature all oh it's okay because i don't love you either would be good i think. we would've had that had the monologue not happened but we're past that now. i don't think they'll be on bad terms by the end of the show they're not gonna hate each other or anything but i don't see them being instant best friends after breaking up AT ALL

and yeah i agree that a lot of gay mike proof is only proof in the sense that it's in there and some of it is inconsequential. but that could also be said of some byler proof lol, like no one in the ga is thinking oh look blue met yellow in the west they're color-coded!!

i don't think they dragged mlvn on for too long and i can't for the life of me word it in a way that makes sense so i'm gonna link this post (inluding the tags from my mutual who reblogged it) :) i hate mlvn, hate with a capital h but i think them staying together this long (it's only been like a year and three months in the show which is kind of crazy) makes sense for them for multiple in-universe reasons (mike being the one who introduced the concept of romance to el, el only getting back together with mike after hopper died, i can think of about a thousand reasons for mike), but for us as viewers, yeah idk, obviously ending the season 4 with them being broken up for good would've made it easier for the ga to accept the possibility of byler being endgame and of mike being gay but it would've also been very obvious so i can see why they didn't do it. they still need people to tune in and also we needed to feel like we lost at the end of season 4 and that includes me and the other...27k tumblr bylers at the time

when you look at the facts i don't think gay mike would seem far-fetched to the average non-homophobic viewer: mike takes in a girl. kisses her after being told by everyone that he must like her, after telling her that his sister would be her sister and that and after 8 episodes of her being repeatedly mistaken for a boy and for will specifically. doesn't see her for a year, spends a season glued to will's side, kisses her again at the snow ball. pushes will away in season 3, inadvertently calls him out for being gay and for not growing up. starts having problems with his gf as soon as said gf starts to look like a girl and learns that she can have preferences of her own. lies to gf and gets broken up with, is very obnoxious about it all season. indirectly tells will he actually doesn't want to grow up and wants to keep playing with him at the end of the season. goes back to playing dnd as soon as s4 begins, which goes to show that he actually didn't mean what he said about wanting to grow up last season (either that or he's a hypocrite and hates will specifically. lol). acts weird with will again. focuses on his gf WHO LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE WILL IN A DRESS for the day. gets lied to by his gf and is then left behind by her, isn't as obnoxious about it but also keeps talking about his relationship without ever mentioning why they fought so he never has to explain why exactly he couldn't say That thing. to his boy best friend who he keeps having emotional talks with. doesn't say the thing until he gets told that he's the heart and all that by said boy best friend and still struggles to tell gf that he loves her. end of the world

i really think most of them are just not thinking about it. i remember asking my friend how likely byler being endgame was to her in august and she was like i...had never considered the possibility of el and mike not ending up together. then i talked her ear off for 60 minutes and she was like okayy i can see it maybe And she was sad for mike. so!

i think no matter how it goes we're gonna get an interview confirming it because they had to do it FOR WILL because people couldn't possibly imagine that the character who'd been called gay for the first time in the first twenty minutes of the show could actually be written to be gay

but maybe he'll tell us he's gay himself lol who knows

[bisexualmaedhros]

22, 32, 39 for the trans ask game?

haha hi rei

this is the ask game they're referring to btw! anyone can send in asks from it still if u specify that's what they're for ^_^

22. do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

hm tbh i don't know! i wouldn't be surprised if my anxiety or ocd affected how i realized i wasn't cis— for years, i agonized over wether i was "right" or not, and if being "wrong" would mean i'd hurt the trans community in some way. i know that worry is common among plenty of questioning people, but i later learned it can be exacerbated by ocd and similar disorders. it was to the point where thinking about my gender and trying to figure it out made me incredibly anxious and uncomfortable, sometimes even nauseous.

i hesitated to openly call myself trans up until i was almost 18, when a friend at the time invited me to join a t4t server he was in. you didn't have to be exclusively t4t, but you did have to be trans. that invitation, to me, was kind of like... a reassurance. this other trans person who very much was "trans enough" (bs concept that i applied only to myself, you know how it goes) was acknowledging me as also "trans enough". a lot of people in that server did a lot of fun gender stuff, which made me much more confident in my own sometimes contradictory identity.

i'm no longer in that server, but i did make a friend there in the lovely @/noellegoesmeow, and i'll always be grateful for what i learned there.

ah, i guess i got kind of off-topic... while, after years of research, i suspect i may be autistic, i hesitate to openly and publicly claim that label*. so while i do know autism can affect one's view of gender, i'm not sure if that can be said for me.

(i do think, though, that being nd also kept me from realizing i was dysphoric for a very long time. i've always had a horrible time making sense of and naming my emotions, so i didn't realize what i was feeling was that until i described it to my therapist, ended it with "but i'm not dysphoric", and she was like "ok but isn't that... dysphoria?")

*not against informed self dx, just full to the brim with self-doubt. reread answer to question 22 for example.

32. how do you see yourself identifying/presenting in 5 years?

honestly i don't know! as time's gone on, i've gotten more comfortable with my own ambiguity, and i find the word "nonbinary" is both sufficiently vague so as to accommodate that, but also succinct enough so that i'm not left reaching for a word or categorization. it's a nice fit with plenty of wiggle-room.

i've also lately gotten more comfortable again with terms like "sapphic" and "wlw", which for a while made me quite a bit dysphoric. as long as they're being used to refer to me by someone who understands i'm not fully "woman". i do owe a lot of my joy regarding my contradictions to gnc lesbians, especially those who id as nonbinary and/or use pronouns other than she/her. while i don't share all their same labels, i've found a lot of the ways they refer to themselves have been comfortable for me, too (like using both masculine and feminine terms for myself in the same sentence, eg. "she's a funny guy")

39. is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

i don't really have a preference, so long as they're not awkward about my gender. cis and trans people alike can become uncomfortable when presented with nonbinary identities in general, let alone one that seemingly contradicts itself in their eyes. i think i would be uncomfortable around someone who seemed like they were walking on eggshells trying to get it right. i used to think i'd only be fully comfortable and feel understood with a trans partner, but i don't want to cut myself off that way. there are cool cis people

(maybe it's just a coincidence that 2/3 of my romantic relationships so far have been with trans people. shoutout to @/rei-is-reblogging-stuff and @/oohbrother girls who are gayboys have more fun, i'm told)

[marveltmntgirl]

Name: Bláthanna; Anna— pronounced Bla-tha-na. No last name :)

Age: starts out 16-17 in-fic and ages from there

Height: 5'7", again, a nice height difference to 5'1"-5'2" Mikey :)

Species: Kra'ang-made human (oop, a little spoiler)

Appearance:

Picrew is Astrolavas’ Maker 2.0

Important Features: Very long and pointed nose, more angular features. Bright red hair, long, sometimes up sometimes down. Pale skin, normally a shade lighter than Omorfiá. Thin lips, eyes are a dark almost grey-blue. Her left arm is an advanced metal prosthetic.

Personality: Brash, stubborn, loud, temperamental, immature, reckless, spontaneous.

Relationships

Mikey - Best buddy, kinda has a crush on but doesn't admit it for a very long time

Leo - Jerk #2, doesn't trust

Raph - Jerk #1, doesn't trust

Donnie - creepy scientist, doesn't trust

Splinter - Doesn't like the father vibes for a bit, eventually respects

Casey - Knows him for crashing parties she also crashes

April - Knows her for dragging Casey out of said parties

Shredder - Terrified. Accidentally got into a work contract with (oop more spoilers)

Karai - Creepy, gives stalker vibes

Omorfiá - Knew her first as the Shadow Thief and was freaked out by her. Eventually became buddies.

Grace - Aw, she's smol. Protective

Nylla - HOLY SHIT IS THAT AN ANGEL

EXTRA CHARACTERS

Beth - Mom, loves and protects

Jeremy - Bitchass, despises

Abilities:

Photographic memory and fast learning (yt tutorials ftw)

Welding/mechanical repairs/wiring

Sharpshooting/marksmanship

Enhanced strength due to prosthetic

Creation Backstory:

Okay this is gonna be terrible, but I don't remember the specific circumstances that led to me making Bláthanna, either. I really just remember the inspiring picture, which was like a cyberpunk girl with red hair, an undercut, and a metal arm. I know, I'm a horrible, terrible, plagiarist. I also think she was mainly made to be a partner for Mikey, and I was just scrolling through pictures looking for something that caught my eye.

She was veryyyy... barebones, in the beginning. I wanted her to be a "cool" girl. I also didn't want her to be just Omorfiá in a different font, so in the start, she was actually a thief for selfish reasons. She was sassy, rude, all the "i'm too cool for you" vibes. That did end up becoming a bit one-note, and she felt really dull as I kept playing her in roleplays, so I tried to give her some layers.

She now has a very outward, performative confidence to guard her insecurities from the people she deals with for shady business. She's playful, immature, stubborn, and guarded in her true feelings. She is hesitant to let anyone in close to her, but once she does she trusts them with everything.

Much like Walt Disney, none of my characters have living parents... except for Bláthanna. I gave her an adopted mother to fix her backstory some and also give her another motivation besides... "money, and because I can". It also made sense, realistically, that a kid wandering the streets of New York would get noticed eventually, so Beth found her and took her in as her own daughter.

Beth also comes with a biological son that is the bane of Bláthanna's existence— Jeremiah. He's almost an idea of what she could be if she really leaned into her debauchery and illegal dealings. He's also a terrible son, and he and Bláthanna clash most often over Beth's well-being and the money Bláthanna gives to her mother, and that Jeremiah takes for himself.

Appearance-wise, Bláthanna kinda sorta stayed the same while kinda sorta not. Thinking back to her inspiring picture, her features were a lot more "sultry feminine", which I dropped in lieu of constructing her own face. I gave her more sharp and less "ideal feminine" features, like a longer nose, small lips, etc. Her body is more lean and muscular, like Omorfiá, but she is taller. Her metal arm went through a few iterations, but was always vague in design. I just knew it was a metal prosthetic and might look alien-ish. Now I kind of have a picture that is close to what I imagine it looks like, but it's not my own so I'm not gonna post it. I just use it to help describe.

Her inspiring picture had her wearing like... a sports bra and cargo pants, or something? so Bláthanna initially wore that in the beginning. That is pretty unfitting of her character now. She then went through a phase where she had a cool leather jacket with one sleeve torn off to show off the metal arm (very winter soldier of me), but it was still a bit... bland, and performative. (oh my gosh i just remembered while writing that that OMORFIÁ USED TO WEAR A LEATHER JACKET WOW— i was going through a phase) I now have a specific style just for Bláthanna that I really like. She wears old 90's band t-shirts that Beth gave her to wear (so bands like AD DC, Guns and Roses, Queen, The Cure, etc), and a leather jacket that Beth gifted her with both sleeves intact. And jeans. ofc.

The reasons for her abilities involve some of her backstory (which I already spoiled a bit so you might be able to figure it out anyway) so I won't specify the why's or how's, but Bláthanna absorbs knowledge like a sponge. She basically just needs to watch a youtube tutorial a couple of times and then she's unstoppable. She is also an excellent sharpshooter, to the point that she will do trick shots for fun. That's a very fun part of her that I enjoy writing :) especially when she's all cocky and confident and then it HITS— anyway. As well as that, she has the metal arm that is obviously abnormally strong, and due to the alien technology of it, Bláthanna had to learn some welding, mechanical and wiring skills in order to fix it if anything goes wrong.

I gotta wedge her job in here somewhere so might as well do it here.

In the beginning Bláthanna was just stealing from jewelry stores and whatever else looked profitable for her own gain, and that was a large issue for Mikey because he wanted her to be good, or able to redeem her, but objectively she was selfishly stealing just to steal. This flew for a while until I really took a look at her motivations and challenges and found... none. So I added Beth and Jeremiah to her story for motivation and challenge.

Beth has some unspecified terminal illness, maybe some sort of cancer. Once she learned of the diagnosis, Bláthanna began stealing to pay for her mom's treatment. I eventually changed "stealing" to specifically "hiring her skills out on the black market to be paid to steal items, no questions asked". So Bláthanna is a thief for hire.

Jeremiah, however, notices this new stream of money, and begins convincing his mom to let him "borrow" large amounts of cash that would never be seen again. So this is often where he and Bláthanna butt heads, and along with Beth's illness not going away anytime soon, Jeremiah's borrowing keeps Bláthanna stuck with stealing for payment in order to pay him off and help Beth heal.

So you remember how Omorfiá and Grace used to live in an abandoned apartment? Remember how I moved them out and underground? Yeah so I basically reused the abandoned apartment idea for Bláthanna. I kicked the sisters out just to move her in.

Jokes aside, I think I had actually forgot that Omor and Grace used to live in an apartment when I made this Bláthanna's living situation. But hey, I guess it's good I reused old ideas?

Bláthanna's place is very barebones in terms of appliances. Idk why but I have a reoccurring theme of one-room-residencies. I guess that's fitting for New York. She lives on the top floor of a condemned building at the edge of a condemned block; ignoring the dangers of structural integrity or lack thereof, mold, squatters and drug addicts, it's the perfect hidden home for a wanted thief! :) Bláthanna's one room is an open kitchen and living room. There is no running water or electricity, she "borrows" electricity from the neighboring buildings that have power (think of a long string of extension cords, ignore the unrealistic aspect of it pls) to power a mini-fridge, a heater, a lamp, and a tv. She has a old dingy couch in front of the tv and a mattress on wood pallets in the corner for a bed. She has a desk and her lamp for working on her arm or anything needed for a job. Her mini-fridge stores takeout and drinks, either water or soda. She has the keys to a gym that she uses for showers and bathroom use— or she spends the night at Beth's place, which is far more comfortable.

Mikey and Bláthanna's relationship is probably the cutest, right next to Donnie and Grace's. From the beginning my idea was always a sort of forbidden friendship-turned-love in which Mikey carves out some independence for himself away from his family as he begins to hang out with Bláthanna. She's kind of a good/bad influence, encouraging him to be independent, but also getting him in close trouble and in risky situations with her. But Mikey also serves to help Bláthanna open up and have a friendship and trust someone wholeheartedly, getting her to be vulnerable with someone other than her mom. It takes a tragic turn when she accidentally betrays him (also kinda spoiled this earlier) and it leaves their relationship severed. Their eventual romance is a very sweet, almost childhood-friends type. Mikey sees Bláthanna as this superstar that can do anything she wants, and Bláthanna sees Mikey as this huge goofball that makes her days brighter and more fun.

Bláthanna and Beth's relationship is really sweet, and I can't really describe it, she's just her mom, and she would do anything for her. She's incredibly protective of this woman that showed her the first ounce of comfort and care she had ever felt in her life, and Bláthanna has clung to her ever since then. And now that Beth is sick and in need of care, Bláthanna feels a duty to repay her for what she did for her.

Bláthanna's backstory is, well, Kraang related. She's a Kraang-made human, designed for nefarious purposes that I shan't spoil 🤭 Her backstory is slightly parallel to Omorfiá's... her whole character is, really, but I think there's enough deviation that they're not copycats of the other... Bláthanna definitely makes more of a splash in her life, refusing to stay in the dark after escaping it. She's wild and reckless and sometimes a little stupid with her decisions, but that's what's so fun about her.

Spin offs:

SEVEN YEARS — Also haven't written Bláthanna's part for Seven Years, I'm not entirely settled on the beginning of the story yet. It's still a ways off, so I have time to think about it.

OFFICE ROMANCE — Same as Omorfiá, Bláthanna is more a background/supporting character, but she does have an appearance compared to Omorfiá's only vague mention by other characters. I did enjoy writing Bláthanna in this modern setting where she is part of society, and her and Mikey having an established relationship.

I don't really have a solo story idea for Bláthanna yet, au or not. Nothing has really jumped out at me that would fit her character aside from brief oneshots. I would have to count but I think I have more oneshots of Bláthanna and Mikey than anyone else. I know I have... zero of Nylla. I need to fix that.

If I had to describe Bláthanna in one word: Wild

If I had to deceive Bláthanna in two words: Trash gremlin

[doubleedgemode]

My take on A.B.A returning to Strive and getting a redesign.. I’ve seen some really good takes on the concept but I decided to focus on her alchemy theme!

LONG explanation, a picture of the backpack and lore under the cut:

Lore:

 I thought, that lore wise, after all this time out of the limelight she has developed more confidence and improved her relationship with Paracelsus. Regardless of which one of the three GGXXAC endings is canon, it comes a point where Paracelsus points out the hipocrisy of being so possessive with him, (especially in that ending where she pulls a whole Misery-esque “I’ll keep you trapped in Frasco, even worse than I was before you”.. Yeah that hasn’t aged well at all in many respects.. I would either not count it or heavily modify it) when her big ideal and obsession was freedom for herself, and now she was the “captor”, for lack of a better word. She was what Frasco was for her, but towards her alledgely most loved individual.

One small existencial crisis and realization later, A.B.A understands her wrongdoings, and decides to abandon her goal of selfishly giving Paracelsus a body. She even weighs in if Paracelsus would leave her, but accepts it. To her surprise, he wants to stay and not only because his chosen ax form doesn’t allow much movement. He likes her afterall, just not necessarily in a romantic sense, and both start a new healthier relationship from the ground up: Mutual Friendship and partnering. They are both aware that A.B.A still harbors feelings of the romantic kind which he does not reciprocate, but both are alright with it. Hell, Paracelsus comes to be amused by that now that their friendship is better. So the pair are sort of.. Married, indeed! And both willingly wear Alliance-like gear, as a sign of trust.

Now A.B.A focuses on studying alchemy, going from being a creation to being creator, travelling through the world with her key husband to learn new methods and disciplines, and to enjoy freedom. She still considers Frasco her home and laboratory, tends to it and even made friends with the ghosts! She and Para still have in mind finding the original Paracelsus, the creator, but that’s perhaps second to finding new ways of improving alchemy.

She’s ultimately a bit more confident, determined and slightly sociably adept, but she’s as idiosyncratic as always.

Design:

Her main design motif is the Tria Prima, composed of Sulfur (mind), Mercury (spirit) and salt (body), coined by the real life Paracelsus, so I used the alchemic symbols for them. Her head key is new, this one is modelled after the sulfur symbol, though not exactly the same length to have it fit. The rest of the key is normal. Her “robe”-like collar does not only resemble a stereotypical alchemist tunic, but also has the symbol for mercury in a Golden metal. Lastly, her apron has the symbol for salt.

She wears a a dark grey top with some brown cloth stitched in, covered by her upper chest/neck bandages. The clothing choice was to give her a bit more coverage while mantaining the stitched motif of her bag and resembling own wound closure strips/stitches (more on that later).

A.B.A wears an apron, full of belts in typical Guilty Gear fashion. The upper left part has a Golden lock which actually is a pocket containing a syringue with blood and one of her many keys. (The key to her heart…?)

The apron, also vaguely inspired by her ggxxac ending one, has blood splatters. Some are fresh, most of them dry. One of the splatters is purple, referencing the blood of the Monster she chops in the same ending. Plus it’s a small contrast to her green eyes.

The ggxxac bandages are kept in the right arm, her glove too, except this time she wears in both of her hands, now shaped more like classic mad scientist gloves. The borders have the words solve (right hand) and coagula (left). This references the motto of alchemy “solve et coagula” coined by the real Paracelsus. Besides, coagula reminds of blood coagulation. It fits.

The black pants follow the stitched motif. The leg bandages and shoes are the same as in ggxxac, but the right leg has less bandage to show the infamous wound suture strips or stitches (I thought the former when drawing, but not sure.. I think A.B.A at this point in time does wear strips even if she wore stitches in the past).

A.B.A discarded Paracelsus’ chains for one of her inventions, that allows more flexibility (yet it is as durable as metal). The invention is a cannula that is either red or full of blood (medical motif for both) that I designed to reference the Red String of Fate from chinese and japanese folklore/media. I’m not sure whether to have it be blood powered or not. If the blood option is chosen, it does NOT power Paracelsus, but acts as the fuel for the device. Both of the cannula’s ends can be removed voluntarily by both users, but won’t go off if it moves. The ends connect to rings. (Obligatory “It doesn’t work as an actual cannula, it’s like a chain.) A.B.A wears hers in the ring finger. Yes of course this all references wedding rings. It symbolises their friendship, love and trust.

Paracelsus himself is not very changed. I only drew him with his horns extended to add novelty and resemble the mercury sign a little bit, but he is usually like normal. He keeps his normal face but smiles a bit more often. His neck is silver, matching with the golden ring below, and has the mercury sign. His down part gets added the spine motif from Daisuke’s prototype drawing of him, but are less pronounced. The spines have the alchemical symbols of fire, water, air and earth.

The backpack:

 Lastly, as explained in the drawing, A.B.A wears a cloth strip with two buckles that clip into the one’s of her backpack. The skeletal looking sack is based on her notebook’s face. And it’s alive too. The bag’s interior is a hammerspace holding a lot of keys (including the original head key) and beakers, aside from storing the notebook. A.B.A uses her beakers and keys in some attacks. There’s, lastly, some extra bandages and of course, the blood packs.

[vampireinterview]

It has come to my attention that some of you have not been made aware of the fact that Plato was well known for being a Destiel shipper, in addition to the fact that he also wrote some philosophical works on the side. Let me explain.

Plato was an Athenian thinker whose real name was Aristocles (Plato most likely comes from the Greek word for ‘broad”, he might have been so jacked that people nicknamed him for his wide shoulders, which is irrelevant to the topic at hand but I’m collecting receipts on my hypothesis that all hellers are physical beheamoths). His work regarding the philosophy of love can be interpreted through the lens of the Deancas love story, which can potentially lead us to discover the very essence of what makes Destiel so impactful and universal, so bear with me, I’ll make it as introductory as possible.

Plato’s Symposium is a dialogue which contains the philosopher’s basic view on what love can be. The influence of the aforementioned text has been so strong that even those of us who are blissfully unaware of its contents have heard of the concept of “platonic love”. It is with great disappointment that I have to inform you about the fact that the way in which the term is colloquially used can be considered quite removed from the core idea of what Plato’s love is supposed to be about. Commonly people utilize it to refer to a non-romantic and non-sexual emotion towards an individual. However, even though the extrasensory love was the end goal, it was never too far distanced from the earthly, carnal desire that was supposed to lay the foundation for greater experiences.

One of the most illustrative elements of the Symposium is no doubt the Love Ladder metaphor (also known as Diotima’s Ladder of Love, the Scala Amoris); Plato believes the act of loving to be a part of the process of initiation into the non-material world of ideas. Every step of the ladder helps one approach the transcendence of one’s soul, and so we can single out six steps to immortal absolutes:

1. The first step is developing an appreciation for a particular person. It’s a very much carnal (though not necessarily conventionally sexual) desire for beauty of a specific individual. According to Plato only through the love of the physical can one love the non material. The visceral infatuation with another’s body is often strongly rooted with the self-hatred of one’s own aesthetical poverty: within the carnal love we seek to find that which our own body lacks. The desire between Dean and Cas doesn’t have to be seen as strictly sexual, as the appreciation of beauty does not warrant a conventionally erotic subtext. This sort of fascination with the flesh is most noticeably highlighted in the many “eye sex” scenes in seasons 4-5, and is later brought up by Hester:

The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost. 

2. The second step stems from the appreciation for all physicality derived directly from the love one has for the lover’s form. It’s fleshed out any time Dean finds beauty in the dark times, where he would have never found it before or when Cas sees humanity through the lens of the love he has for the beauty within Dean Winchester. This step is all about finding the allure in everybody, not in spite of but rather because of having fallen for a specific person’s material form.

3. The next step is a love which transcends the physical and teaches an individual to feel affection towards the souls. The attraction one can experience in relation to that which is non material is precisely what takes the function of the driving force behind both Castiel’s and Dean’s decisions in season 6 and onward (arguably even much earlier for Cas? or even Dean? Maybe we’re talking about season 4?). As evidenced by the apparent lack of attraction Dean experiences towards Jimmy himself, he must have already moved on to this stage (the Cas he loves is not just the vessel he inhabits). Castiel on the other hand feels heavily infatueted with Dean’s spiritual allure (even when he’s physically on the verge of a breakdown, he’s still beautiful, still Dean Winchester). 

4. It is only then that one can find love for the institution. If one worships souls, then one also has to worship the product of those souls: and, sure enough, loving humanity led Castiel to love its structures and ethical systems and be willing to die fighting for them. In the later seasons he exhibits fascination over all the little rules that guide an average human’s life (which is especially fleshed out in his season 7 dialogues, where he contemplates all the small details of the societal structure, ie: how important is lipstick to you?, maybe the human institutions should ban its production). Same can be said of Dean: the customs and traditions of other people are subject to his affectionate protection in the later seasons, which sets s6 and onwards Dean apart from the early seasons Dean who cared mostly about his blood relatives. The found family arc was for him a process of growing attached to the order of life which was previously foreign to him, and him learning to navigate functioning within a big family structure and an organization (the last one is physically manifested by his move from a chaotic life spent at random motels to living at the bunker, property of the institution of Men Of Letters).

5. Then comes the deep appreciation of knowledge. Now, it is widely disputed whether what Plato meant should be strictly narrowed down to just one kind of knowledge (in many English translations you might encounter the word ‘science’, though used in the ancient sense). The process of gaining knowledge is often equated with the understanding of ideas in Plato’s work, therefore we’re going to stick with that. The act of loving the process of discovering both the external and the internal world is a strong factor which pushes Dean to self examination, or the examination of the inner psyche. It is that pursuit of knowledge that is the very coronation of his entire character arc: the realization of his role within the story (”I’m not the ultimate killer”) which was directly derived from the act of loving Cas.

6. The final stage of platonic love is reaching the love of the very concept of Love. Once again, interpretations vary, but for the sake of the argument, I’ll clarify that: the discussed kind of love transcends both the body and the soul. An individual is in love with Beauty, not just one of it’s physical or spiritual manifestations. In my opinion, this stage is extremely well depicted during the 15x18 confession scene, for it is a kind of love achieved by Castiel. He is no longer just in love with the body or soul of Dean, he’s also in love with the sole idea of loving him. He quite literally states that he’s fallen in love with the idea of just being, just saying it, just falling in love. 

Upon achieving this state, he transcends his material conditions both by leaving the human world (his move to another dimension - the Empty - could be just an illustrative manifestation of the transcendental move of his essence) and giving birth to a new world order. The way in which he later on goes to rebuild Heaven and give birth to a completely new, structure of the universe is in line with a concept that Plato ties into the finale step of the Ladder - pregnancy of the soul. At one point in Symposium he describes Diotima saying that:

That in that life alone, when he looks at Beauty in the only way that Beauty can be seen--only then will it become possible for him to give birth not to images or virtue (Because he’s in touch with no images), but to true virtue (Because he is in touch with the true Beauty).

What is the christian equivalent and personification of the true idea of Virtue if not the abstract concept of Heaven? The moment Cas creates a new portrayal of Virtue he finishes the Ladder. It could also be argued that the true pregnancy of the soul was actually finished when Jack ascended to the status of God: an entity which belongs to the realm of ideas and is perfect by its very nature is birthed through Castiel’s love (which can be traced back to the feelings he has for Dean Winchester).

And it is the fact that Dean’s arc got stuck on the fifth stage of the Ladder that causes me so much pain. He dies before transcending and experiencing the non-temporal and non-relative feeling of love that one can gain only through the admiration of beauty itself. His life was cut short and his soul has already left the mortal, physical world, therefore he is forever unable to experience the feeling of loving Love and Virtue so much that his soul gives birth to an unbreakable idea.

In conclusion: if you ever see somebody say that Dean and Castiel’s relationship is platonic, just agree. It is very much so platonic in the sense that through their carnal and spiritual desires they’ve manged to (nearly, in Dean’s case) transcend their material conditions and reached the divine aspect of ideal Beauty and Virtue, rooted in a love that’s so deep that it’s perfectly able to redefine the structure of one’s existence.

tagging some people who have vaguely expressed interest in acquiring the third eye:

@cryptcas​ @futureheadnerd​ @doctorprofessorsong​ @sinnabonka​ @theangelwiththewormstache​ @absoluteheller​ @fivefeetfangirl​ 

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

Emotional abuse is NOT to be normalized.

Hello everyone! Anon from the “

I’m a victim of emotional abuse

” post. And today I’m going to explain my story of the emotional abuse I went through. 

My story begins as a lot do, online. I was about 10 years old so I didn’t know what were red flags, and what relationships I should avoid. I had a very toxic friend group back then that enjoyed self deprecation and honestly bullying each other, me included. We used to do the cringe roleplays children do and making cringe oc’s. I met someone we’ll call Rin. 

Rin didn’t bully me like the others in the friend group and very often came to me for opinions, and over all talking without making me feel like utter garbage. I ate up all the praise, all the love and support Rin gave me. However, even as early as friendship, they would get angry at me if I did stuff they didn’t like and would sometimes ignore me, sometimes verbally assault me into apologizing for things I really shouldn’t have. 

»»————-————-««

For context, Back then I was both unmedicated for anxiety and I was going through a harsh time with my aunt and cousins living with us. When I was 6, my drug addict uncle committed suicide and I’d been living with them for about 4 years by that time. (No, my parents nor aunt told us he committed suicide. at the time, don’t worry) They made my life HELL, constantly getting me in trouble and generally putting me down. 

Context: Rin was 16 when i was 10. 

»»————-————-««

One day I was doing our daily playing games with the friend group and Rin when one of our friends, Rose, Told us we’d make a *great* couple. By that time I had some feelings for Rin, we’d voice call occasionally, to me they weren’t a stranger. Rin had agreed and in hind sight I was kind of pressured into the relationship. 

All of the behavior I mentioned before, where they would get pissy whenever I did something they didn’t like or get nice when I did something they *did* like got WORSE. It’s nothing like what media presents, because when people wish to manipulate you they will without hesitation. 

Rin began threatening bodily harm, showing me cuts if I did something vaguely wrong. They would tell me I was worthless without them. That if I’d “Only just listen to me I could make you the best girl ever!" 

They found it funny when I’d get squeamish over topics, continuing the conversations and saying that if I’d just tell them that I’d like it then they’d stop. 

One day when I was 11, it just got too much for me so I said we needed to break up. You wanna know what Rin did? 

They threatened suicide. They told me if I left them they’d kill themselves. That I was all they were living for. That I was the love of their life and if I left them it’d be my fault if they killed themselves. 

I was 11, I didn’t know any better about the situation but I knew I didn’t want them to die so I stayed. I stayed in the relationship. I tried 3 more times to break up with the same result. the same threat of Suicide. Sometimes with photos. 

After that original threat they began getting s*xual. They began mentioning we should meet up IRL, despite us being several states apart. They began describing what they’d do to my body s*xually when we met IRL. They told me that if I didn’t want to fulfill their fantasy’s I was a bad SO. That I should only exist to fulfill their wants and *their* needs. It didn’t matter what I wanted.

when I was 12, I finally had an out. They had been stabbed and sent to the hospital. They weren’t online so I took the chance and broke up with them when they couldn’t do anything about it. They tried when they got back but I was long gone. 

Now normally Media presents this as when a trauma victim starts healing and returns to perfect normalcy. That isn’t the case. Its been at least 4 years since I left them, since I got out of that situation, but I still have the fears. Have the insecurities. I still hear their voice telling me I’m worthless, That I’d be better off a trophy on their wall. That since I’m not their perfect ideal woman I should just shut up and be the best wife to the next man that decides I’m worth their time.

my anxiety’s voice, once a always changing one *became* their voice. I’ve healed, I’ve moved on from the abuse but their voice haunts me. Their Abuse has left mental scars that will NEVER heal. 

This is why having Mental Abuse of any form be normalized is horrible. because it means more people like me will go through situations like these. and not be allowed to escape because we’re "over reacting”. Because we’re “just in hysterics. it’s perfectly normal!" 

this is a serious issue that shouldn’t be brushed under the rug. Miraculous Ladybug is the WORST offender of normalizing Mental Abuse I have ever seen. because I KNOW the red flags. I have trained myself to see them. To protect myself. 

Normalizing normal little issues is fine. But mental abuse? never. NEVER should ANY form of abuse be normalized because it means more victims will appear. This shouldn’t even be a thing but here I am. Having to fight for people to realize this isn’t a thing that should be just accepted. 

TL;DR: My first ex threatened to cause bodily harm when i was 10, and when i was 11 threatened suicide for me daring to try and break up with them. I escaped when i was 12, only barely. Now my anxiety has taken their voice and haunts me to this day.

If you’ve read this long, thank you! and have some

kittens

for what I just made you read. Thank you for your time. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First of all, I want to thank you for your bravery in coming forward to share your experience. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.

Second, you still raise a valid point. 

Media in general tends to downplay emotional abuse and parental neglect, a good example being Monica Geller’s relationship with her parents from Friends. Almost every episode featuring Monica’s mom showed her being insensitive to her daughter and constantly belittled her while undermining her achievements like prioritizing Ross’ new girlfriend over Monica’s weight loss in a flashback. Even if it was unintentional on her part, it still damaged Monica’s psyche, and this kind of treatment was always played for laughs.

The fact that even shows today tend to downplay mental trauma shows that people don’t really understand the kind of damage it can cause.

The way Chloe’s relationship with her mother is portrayed is a good example. At least Friends is targeted towards an older audience so it could be enjoyed in a morbid way by laughing at Monica’s misery, but at its core, Miraculous Ladybug is aimed at children. Children will see Chloe bonding with her neglectful mother and see it as normal, as a good thing.

The fact that Astruc still doesn’t get how bad Chloe’s upbringing was shows he doesn’t get mental abuse either.

You need to better understand mental trauma before actually trying to write it. Otherwise, you end up depicting mental abuse in the wrong way and give viewers the wrong impression of it.

[lazyliars]

The Quackity Meta: Justice without the Blindfold

[Anonymous asks: (DSMP) Somebody talk to me about Quackity and Eret’s character. I wanna talk about what Quackity’s views on power are with what he’s planning to do with Sam along with whatever he saw in the egg. I wanna talk about why Eret thinks reviving Wilbur is the best option for the sever to lead and their views on what a leader should be with them being the king of the Dream SMP. I wanna talk about Quackity planning to create a casino for the server to rise to the top. What does it mean to be king?]

[/rp. All mentions of dream smp members should be assumed as referencing the character, not the cc, unless specifically stated otherwise.]

At the heart of every conflict, if you look closely enough, you will find a similarity. Two contrasting ideals will reveal their own likeness, in the stage they play out their war – they both fight for the same result; to be known and followed and asserted, and in this they are the same. There would be no conflict if both sides shared nothing in common.

Lets talk about Quackity.

We'll gloss over a good deal of Quackity's history to get to the meat of this discussion, which involves Technoblade. But there are a a few lesser known facts about Quackity's early days on the server that are relevant to the discussion, like  that Quackity joined the server because of Tommy.

Namely, he joined for The Cartel, a short-lived organization comprised of him, Tommy, Tubbo and Jack Manifold, and their aims of obtaining power over the entire server by getting a monopoly on one object, the Phantom Membrane.

(Trivia: This is why Technoblade had to strike a deal with Tommy for the membranes – Phantoms are turned off on the Dream SMP now, so their monopoly actually ended up working. (Un)fortunately, Tommy traded nearly his whole supply for the priceless act of... making Techno scream really loud and talk in a funny voice. Worth it.)

However, Tommy's interest in the Cartel waned almost immediately, to Quackity's frustration. Tommy was constantly busy with his Vice Presidential duties in L'manberg. Quackity wasn't entirely left out, and he helped Tommy on multiple occaisions, but this was back in Wilbur's L'manberg, where non-europeans were strictly banned.

Quackity would slowly come to resent Tommy for this over time. He joined the server to be with him, took his side in nearly every conflict, including the ones that were L'manberg-oriented, and yet he wasn't allowed to be a citizen of his friend's own nation.

The resentment would reach a boiling point when Quackity discovered Wilbur's bid to consolidate power by running a sham election – with a one party system. Quackity challenged him, formed Swag 2020, and the rest is history...

The takeaway here is that from the start, Quackity has been shunted aside by people in power – Tommy, Wilbur, and then later, Schlatt. This wouldn't prevent him from executing his own immoral power grabs, but that trait – the distaste for people with power holding it over him, is one that would stick around, and become even more prominent later... Quackity has more reason than most to hate tyranny.

But “Tyranny” Is a word thrown around on the SMP often enough, that it's probably up there with “betrayal” and “pop-off” in total wordcount. But few use it more commonly, or more persuasively, than Quackity and Technoblade.

This begs the question: what is Tyranny in a M/inec/raft role play, and why do Quackity and Technoblade both detest it so much while still hating each other?

Well, after a moderate amount of research, I have discovered the following:

Tyranny is complicated.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

...No, but really. Tyranny is very old concept. The words originates in, you guessed it, Ancient Greece, but conceptually, the idea goes waaaay back.

Now, that last thing I wanna do is give anyone a history lesson. I'd suck at it and I haven't done that much research. But the takeaway here is that “Tyranny” has come to be defined in fairly vague terms. We'll look at a few different ones in reference to the SMP.

Oxford dictionary defines a Tyrant as: A cruel and oppressive ruler. / a person exercising power or control in a cruel, unreasonable, or arbitrary way. / (especially in ancient Greece) a ruler who seized power without legal right.

Lets look at the first and last definitions:  A cruel and oppressive ruler; (especially in ancient Greece) a ruler who seized power without legal right.

By these definitions, one could call Quackity tyrannical during his term as Tubbo's VP. He exercises the power granted to him as a government official to spearhead an operation to execute a man without trial. He violently invades the home of a citizen and then puts said man on house arrest, and to subdue the target of this operation he threatens a pet (-a vague but ostensibly severe criminal act in the terms of m/inec/raft specifically-) and then reveals to Techno that the reason he's doing this actually has nothing to do with the crime Techno was accused of, and it is instead a ploy to consolidate power.

Quackity is leveraging his position in the government to amass power, and using that power to harm individuals (Philza and Techno,) in process. As an added bonus, his position in that government came from usurping Schlatt, a legitimately elected official. Thus, Quackity is a Tyrant.

But there, in Schlatt's government is where things get complicated.

Quackity had some power in Schlatt's government. Not the same kind as he did in New L'manberg, but arguably a more unrestrained form – Quackity could basically do whatever he wanted, as long as it pleased Schlatt. In New L'manberg, Quackity needed to convince not only Tubbo, but the rest of the cabinet whenever he wanted to initiate a new project. New L'manberg, while still maintaining a ruling class, had a far more equal distribution of power than Manberg did. It was still democratic.

And while we're on the topic of Quackity as Schlatt's VP, Quackity had almost instant regret the day of the election. He was undermining Schlatt from the start, questioning him, trying to stop Tubbo from breaking the signs that read “if you break this sign, you hate your viewers” and freeing Niki when Schlatt trapped her in Jack Manifold's house and then whispering at her to run.

Quackity only fell into step with Schlatt in the aftermath of Election day, when he saw a major desire fulfilled; the tearing down of L'manberg's walls. These walls were a symbol of L'manberg's isolationist roots that prevented Quackity from joining in the first place. It was one of his biggest promises whilst campaigning.

From this point on, up until the festival, Quackity would be in support of Schlatt. The things he did try to push back on would be downplayed and ignored, if not scorned. This period of time is difficult to pick apart where Quackity's personal morals and ideals begin, and Schlatt's influence ends. The steadily worsening abusive dynamic between them doesn't help this vagueness, either.

I point this out because I've seen people conflate Quackity's abuse at the hands of Schlatt, and his willingness to participate in Schlatt's rule as being of the same root; implying that Quackity only followed Schlatt because he was in an abusive relationship with him, when the reality is far more complicated. Yes, their relationship was a major factor in Quackity's actions, but downplaying his ambition and willingness to accept Schlatt's Tyranny when it helped him realize his own goals does a disservice to the nuance of Manberg-era Quackity.

What all of this points to is an individual who has a strong, some might say defining sense of Justice, yet also a susceptibility to Temptation. Quackity’s experiences with disenfranchisement by Wilbur and Tommy, coupled with his Dark horse victory in the election paints him in a sympathetic, even heroic light. But the way he slowly relinquished more and more power to Schlatt, and ended up indulging in the fruits of tyrannical gains when they proved they could get him what he wanted.

...

So, back to the question... Is Quackity a tyrant?

The answer to that question is a solid “mmmmaaaybe??”

It comes back to what you consider Tyranny. Quackity has never held complete power – he has always, always been scrapping and struggling and fighting to get a foothold in the machinations of the truly powerful, like Dream and Wilbur. He's very much an underdog story.

On the other hand, the times that Quackity has held positions of power, he's done some questionable shit. People like to forget that, while he was deeply disturbed by it, he wasn't exactly against Tubbo's execution at the festival. Putting Phil on house arrest and executing Techno without trial also count against him.

Like most things on the SMP, it's just complicated. Quackity's motivations run deep and aren't always obvious. He doesn't seem to want to hurt people just for the sake of hurting them, or use his power in arbitrary ways, but when he can personally justify it, the sacrifice of his moral integrity gets severe sometimes.

What it looks like is that more than anything else, Quackity wants control, and to never, ever lose his own autonomy. That is also why he despises Technoblade.

...And here we are at the Technoblade part of this meta, AKA the MASSIVE BULK OF THIS ANALYSIS. Which you can read HERE, because it’s too long to fit in just this one post.

[inupibaldspot]

金継ぎ | KIN-TSUGI [ A Fruits Basket Fanfiction ]

Chapter 9

Tsubaki locked herself in her room for days. Akito would sometimes bang into the door as she cried for Tsubaki to open the door but there was no answer.

Often inside the room, the maids would hear Tsubaki coughing and sometimes moaning in pain, this was the impact off the curse of the servant who was denying her master.

However deep into the night there would be a knock on the door which was answered. Tsubaki only responded to Kureno and no one else. When he entered in room, Tsubaki would embrace him as he whispered comfort into her ear while wiping her tears, as she would then fall asleep in his arms.

However there was one night in particular which was different. Tsubaki was leaning against Kureno's shoulder as she felt a sudden emptiness making her turn her head to look at Kureno.

"You're here with me right now, right Kureno?" Tsubaki cupped his face as her voice trembled. No doubt someone left.

"Of course..." Tsubaki slowly turned away. The feeling she got right now was something she felt years ago, it was when Kureno's curse broke. She closed her eyes as a tear slipped. There was a pain within her as if her heart was ripped apart.

Kureno looked at her as pulled on his shirt, wiping her tears. "What's wrong?" Kureno's voice was gentle.

Tsubaki hesitated to speak but then she leaned into Kureno's chest. "How did you feel when the curse broke?" Someone's curse broke... but unlike Akito, Tsubaki did not know who until she saw the person face to face.

"It felt empty... Till that day I felt someone with me but all of the sudden I felt so alone." Kureno smiled looking at Tsubaki, playing with her hair. "I did not know whether I was sad or happy...frustrated or relieved."

"It is too complex for me to describe..."

"I see...."

 .....

 Tsubaki opened the window to her room. She sighed as she let the fresh air in as she then rested on the window sill.

She was yet to meet Akito or anyone else for that matter. However Tsubaki trembled as she imagined meeting Akito, for now she feels disappointed and hurt at Akito but if she were to meet her personally, Tsubaki knew all of these feelings will dissolve and be replaced with simply affection for Akito. That scared her.

Tsubaki listened to the gentle rustle of the leaves and the gentle breeze on her skin when all of the sudden she heard a commotion.

As much as she didn't listen, it was human nature to pay attention to the noise when an environment is otherwise silent. There seemed to be shouting, Tsubaki wondered if it was Akito.

Did she get into a fight with another zodiac members? Or is she simply throwing a tantrum... Tsubaki thought. Either way she did not want anything to do with it.

However her body betrayed her. Before Tsubaki could even register, she was walking towards the noise and there were continuous whispers I her mind. What if Akito gets hurt?

The scene which was in front of her horrified her. There was Ren who was holding a knife pointing towards Akito. Kureno and two other maids were also present.

Ren's hand shivered as she shouted. "I don't know what of Akira-san's you’re holding but give it back!" Her voice trembling. "It’s mine! Everything of Akira-san's belongs to me."

Tsubaki looked at the object she was referring to only to see a small box in Akito's hands. She vaguely remembered that box was given to Akito by the head maid to comfort the small child when Akira passed away. The head maid said that it contained Akira's soul.

"Mother, Calm down." Tsubaki stepped in. "We can talk this through-"

"Don't come in between me and Akira!" Ren shouted as she pointed the sharp object towards Tsubaki preventing her from taking another step in.

Kureno quickly grabbed Tsubaki as pulled her behind him. "Stay behind me..."

Akito sighed as she pulled a condescending smirk as she walked towards Akira. "If you really want it, I’ll give this stupid thing!" With that Akito threw the box up in the air.

Ren ran towards the box which was on the floor as she eagerly opened it. Her face then turned into a blank expression. "It’s empty..."

"That's right..." Akito smiled as tears slipped from her eyes. She looked away. "It has always been empty-" Akito swiftly turned as grabbed the knife, which was on the ground, as she raised it to stab it into Ren.

Akito suddenly stopped her action as she quickly faced Tsubaki. Tsubaki also had a similar expression. Once again there was a sudden feeling of emptiness. Someone's curse broke... Another end had come.

Ren looked at Akito, who stopped moving all together. "What's wrong? Weren't you going to kill me?"

"Shut up!" The head maid shouted, furious. "Why did you even bring a weapon here?" This caused another fight to break out between the two maids.

Akito slowly walked away leaving the room, looking weak. And when Ren and her maid left, there were only Kureno, Tsubaki and the head maid alone.

"Kureno-san please go to Akito." The head maid requested. "I want to talk to Tsubaki alone." The man gave a worried look but nevertheless agreed.

"Remember Tsubaki! You're supposed to serve Akito." The head maid starts as she looks at Tsubaki.

Tsubaki looked oddly unresponsive and empty. Her mind was still in daze but that did not stop the maid from continuing. "You all are bound by the bond and if you don't act properly you are no different from that monster cat-"

"I want to leave..." Tsubaki spoke.

The head maid gasped in shock. "What type of nonsense are you speaking Tsubaki-san?!"

"I'm honestly very tired..." Tsubaki spoke in a low voice. "Ever since I was young I followed what you taught and did whatever Akito said as if it was a law."

"But then when I was alone in the room for the past few days my mind went everywhere as I imagined all sorts of things." Tsubaki smiled. "I wondered if I had been born into a normal family, I would have known parental love. Spending mornings having breakfast with parents, doing the dishes and even having family outings at time. I always wanted to have something like that."

“I have realized that I have a person I love possibly more than I've loved Akito." Tsubaki wandered her mind to Kureno's gentle smile. She wondered if she left, he would go along with her. "But now I want to move out. I'm far too late for those experiences of my ideal family now but I can give that to my future children... I want to be my own person and build my own family with a person I dearly love...."

"B-but..." The head maid's voice stammered as she hands shaked. "If you were to leave just like the previous people who were bound was the servants you might die!"

Tsubaki turned away as she walked away. "I think...If I were to die while fulfilling that wish, my last thoughts would be 'I'm happy that I'm surrounded with people I love'."

Walking away Tsubaki noticed that it had started raining. The weather made the atmosphere quite dark.

Entering the hallways, she saw Kureno and Akito. They were embracing.

Ah... I forgot. Tsubaki thought as she felt her heart hurt at the sight. Even if I and Kureno were to love each other, we don't belong to one another. We belong to Akito.

Just as Tsubaki was about to walk away from the two Akito suddenly pulls out a knife, the one Ren had brought, as she impaled the object into Kureno's back.

Tsubaki brought her hands to cover her mouth from shock as her whole body went cold.

"Your kindness that half saved and half rejects me...Has been killing me!" Akito pulled away as she shouted. "So take responsibility and pay for it!"

Akito then walked out of the house and into the rain. "Atone with your death!" With those words she runs away.

"Kureno!!!"

Tsubaki rushed to his side, as he limped towards Akito. "Tsubaki... Forget about me. Go to Akito..."

Tsubaki stripped off her outer kimono as she placed it on Kureno's injury to prevent the blood from flowing out. "Don't be stupid!" She shouted as her lips trembled. "I'm not going to leave you."

"Somebody! Is anyone near?!" Tsubaki shouted.

Kureno looked at Tsubaki. The girl was crying as she kept turning her head around to search for the presence of other people. It's seemed as if Tsubaki seemed to be crying a lot these days. He disliked that.

Kureno weakly raised his hands as he cupped her face. "Are you crying for me?" He smiled at his own joke.

"Are you an idiot?! Who else is bleeding in my hands?" Tsubaki shouted. "Of course I'm crying for you."

"I'm happy...." Kureno left his conscious slowly drifting away as his vision started to blank. "Don't worry... I won't leave you... I already planned my future with you..."

Kureno knew he was never Tsubaki's top priority. She always priorities Akito.

Kureno knew Tsubaki's first love wasn't him. It was Hatori.

Kureno knew Tsubaki's kindness towards him. She was kind to all of the zodiacs.

But then more than other zodiacs she loved Akito. She never acted to have a relationship with Hatori even though they clearly loved each other when they were younger. She made sure to crush her feelings for Hatori because she knew Akito would never allow it.

Despite all that, Tsubaki finally turned to Kureno. She knew Akito would hate it yet she accepted Kureno's embrace. Even though she gave up on her love for Hatori, she expressed her love for him, Kureno. Even right now rather than Akito, she chose to stay by his side. Kureno was happy Tsubaki finally picked him over everyone.

 .....

 Tsubaki opened the door to Kureno's hospital room. She stayed there until Kureno regain consciousness after his surgery but was later forced by Kureno and Hatori both to go back home and rest for a while.

Going back home she took a bath, a small nap, made some food and even packed some to later feed Kureno.

Tsubaki noticed the man was lying in bed, his eyes closed. She smiled as she tried to walk as quite as possible as she placed the packed food on his table.

Walking towards Kureno, she took in his appearance. His brown hair which was quite messy and his face which looked a bit paler than usual, nevertheless she couldn't deny he was indeed attractive.

Rasing her hand she placed cupped his cheek as her thumb moved gently. Kureno shifted slightly as he tilted his head slightly. Tsubaki giggled at his actions. "So you're awake."

Kureno let out a small laugh as he opened one of his eyes. Tsubaki walked away with a smile. "Wake up. I got you some food." Making Kureno sit up as he leaned on his back.

While placing the food in front of Kureno, Tsubaki started. “I went to visit Tohru as well. It seems she has been recovering well."

"I see..." Kureno said as he picked up his chopsticks and picking up some rice from the bento box. "I glad that her injuries weren’t too serious."

"She kind of reminds me of you." Tsubaki laughed as Kureno gave a confused stare, his cheeks filled with food. "Both of you are incredibly kind and maybe abit clumsy... but I like both of you."

Kureno continues to eat his food before he starts speaking, his tone tense. "What about Akito? How is she?"

Tsubaki sighed as she looked outside the room. "Akito... Akito changed after meeting with Tohru. She has become calmer and gentle."

"Kureno, I feel like you might not want anything to do with Akito anymore." Kureno nodded when Tsubaki looked at him asking for confirmation. "But when I talked with Tohru...I realized that Akito was all this time very lonely. She has been raised with everyone around her telling she is special and nothing she does can be wrong..."

"I said those same things as well but now after seeing her again I want to rebuild my bond with Akito." Tsubaki bit her lips as she hesitated continuing. "I no longer want to see her as my master but rather treat Akito simply as my dear sister."

"There are many things she doesn't know about the outside so I hope that I can teach her and be by her side." Tsubaki looked into Kureno's eyes. "If I said I don't want to leave Akito yet stay with you... would you leave me?"

Kureno smiled as he placed a hand behind Tsubaki's head as he pulled her into an embrace. "I got you after so long, there is no way I'm letting you get away." Kureno kissed the top of her head comforting her. "Indeed I don't really want to personally be in contact with Akito now... but then I have nothing against you wanting to be with your little sister. I'll support whatever you want, Tsuabki..."

"Thank you-"

Tsubaki suddenly stopped speaking as she left something  leave her, all of her senses completely heightened as she turned around to see what was causing it.

Behind her stood a man, he resembled a Shinto priest, who was looking at her as he stood by the window. A gust of wind flew into the room as a dragon gracefully flew towards him.

The man spoke, his voice was so gentle and elegant. "Thank you for taking care of her till the end." By her, he probably meant Akito, their God.

As he then held onto the dragon who pulled him from the room as they flew away. Back to their God.

Tsubaki suddenly remembered every time Hatori and she were seen together, the people would gush saying how it's was nice for the souls to be reunited. As according to the ancient story and their past self’s, the servant and the dragon loved each other dearly, sometimes as friends sometimes as lovers.

"Tsubaki?" But the one she loves now is him.

Kureno’s voice brought her back into reality as she finally turned to look at him. "The banquet has... The banquet has finally ended." Tsubaki's voice cracked as tears continued to fall.

"It feels so complicated. I've always lived with this but now that it's gone so suddenly... so abruptly I-I..." Kureno pulled her into an embrace.

Her then cupped her face as he placed a light kisses on her forehead. "I understand..." Kureno spoke. "But then it means you're free, my love. With this I want to take this opportunity to say I'm going to dedicate all of my being to you..."

Kureno looked at her. Tsubaki could feel his gaze simply full of affection towards her. "Let's make a new bond...just between me and you. A bond which will make me the happiest person alive."

"Will you till accept me even..." Tsubaki kept crying but this time to was full of happiness as she held Kureno’s hands. "Even if I have nothing to give you other than my broken self" She has done many things wrong in her life which hurt many along the way, all because of her coward-ness and insecurities.

Kureno laughed lightly as he peppered her with kisses all over, her eyes, cheeks, forehead and finally her lips.

"That's all I ever wanted. I'll always be with you picking up all your pieces and make sure to fill you with nothing but my love."

 .....

 "Akito."

Tsubaki looked at Akito was sitting down looking at the garden outside, beside her was a small package, a golden glow from the outside making her look so beautiful.

"Tsubaki..." Akito turned slowly as she looked at her. She opened her mouth as if to say something but closed it, only to suck in a deep breath. "I thought you won't come back?"

Tsubaki smiled. She is certain now. When she stayed away from Akito, Tsubaki wondered if she loved Akito simply due to the curse, but the way her heart warmed at the sight of Akito, what Tsubaki felt was genuine love. "How could I?"

"Tsubaki there is something I want to say..."

"What is it?"

"Can we start over?" Akito said, her voice barely audible. "I know the things I did to you were wrong and you might never forgive me...But still I want to see me grow into a better person..."

Tsubaki smiled as she cupped Akito's face. "Only if you call me onee-san... Like how you did when we were younger."

Akito's eyes glistened as she closed her eyes, bringing her hands to her chest in relief as she nodded her head.

Tsubaki turned to look at the package beside her. "Is this the gift Shigure bought?" Akito nodded. Truth is Tsubaki wanted to buy Akito a kimono as well, a gift for Akito who will embrace her true self from now on but it seems that Shigure was one step ahead of her.

"This is my gift for you..." Tsubaki pulled out a small rectangular box as she then opened it. It was a hair pin, beautiful sculpted as a red flower which would go well with Akito. Red always suited her.

Tsubaki smiled at Akito, which such a gentle yet doting expression. "Shall we get ready for the final banquet now?"

Tsubaki could hear loud voices from the room the door away connected. She turned back to look at Akito once more. The woman was dressed in a beautiful kimono even with light makeup adoring her face. Her gifted hairpin placed on one side of her hair.

"Akito, you look really beautiful rights now."

With that Tsubaki opened the door as she stepped in. "Good evening, everyone." Tsubaki bowed, when she straighten up she put on an elegant smile. "Akito is ready..." She then walked in and behind her Akito walked.

With Akito's entrance, everyone turned silent undoubtedly shocked at the reveal. "Hatori, where is Shigure?" Akito questioned.

Hatori snapped out of his daze as she shook his head. "I don't know..."

"Akito-san, don't tell me we have the same cross dressing hobby?!" Ritsu exclaimed in shock.

Akito's expression soured at the assumption. "No." She sternly denied as Tsubaki laughed. Akito never really was good with dealing with Ritsu and Ayame.

Akito elegant sat down as she faced the zodiac- no, former zodiac members. "Just as all of you were able to return to who you are, I'll return to my true self." Akito spoke. "You all are free..."

"I know I should have said something sooner but..." Akito bowed her head. "I apologize...." Besides Akito ,Tsubaki also bowed as well.

You don't have to forgive Akito but please do not let the past prevent you from having a future we always dreamed of. Please smile, please laugh, please experience love which we were not able to get when we were younger. Tsubaki thought.

Please have a happy future...All of you.

 .....

"Mama!"

A woman turned around to look at a small girl who was clinging into her apron. The woman smiled at the tiny girl, who had glowing brown hair tied into a twin tail. "Are you done eating your pudding, Kaede?" She bent down.

Kaede smiled when her mother wiped the crumbs left on her cheeks. "Mama." She said once more. "I want to go visit Shiki-chan!"

The woman tiled her head as she smiled. "Do you love Shiki that much?"

The small girl nodded quickly as she raised her hands. "I love him thiiiiiis much! I love Hajime and Mutsuki as well! They told me Kaede is like a princess! "

Her mother laughed. "Let's not say that to papa, okay? I'm sure he'll faint if you say that."

The mother then hummed as she placed a hand on her face. "But I don't think we can go visit them if Kaede doesn't do her homework." She faked a pout.

The girl flinched as she took a step back. "Kaede will go do it right now!" With that the tiny girl ran away with sounds of tiny steps accompanying her.

The mother then walked to the living room, and in there she found her husband who had fallen asleep on the sofa. Smiling to herself, she raised her husband's head and placed it on her lap.

Noticing crumbs of the pudding on his cheeks as well just like Kaede, she smiled as she wiped them away. So clumsy… Her husband receiving her touch, leaned in. "You're not even asleep, Kureno. Stop acting."

Kureno slowly opened his eyes as he smiled looking at his wife's face. "Where is Kaede, Tsubaki?"

Tsubaki smiled. "She went to do her homework. Apparently she wants to visit Shiki."

Kureno sighed, disappointed. "Does that mean you're going to go away?" Kureno pouted.

"That's right." Tsubaki subconsciously started playing with Kureno's hair. "I heard Tohru is visiting as well so it's perfect."

"I'll miss you." Kureno smiled as he raised his hand and placed it behind Tsubaki's head. "Do come back quick." He said, as he pulled Tsubaki towards him, as he then kissed her. Tsubaki smiled as she leaned in, deepening the kiss.

"Ah!" A small voice exclaimed. "Papa move away from mama!" The girl rushed in as she started to pull Kureno away from Tsubaki.

Kureno started sobbing as he pretended to be pulled by Kaede’s strength. "Ehh? Why are you so mean to me?"

The girl huffed. "Because Mama is mine! And we are going to visit Shiki-chan!"

"Papa is sad that he'll be left alone."

Tsubaki's heart warmed up at the sight of her husband playing with her child. A scene she could have never have imagine when she was younger was reality now. From the bottom of her heart, she was happy.

A new bond which was accompanied with happiness and love embraced so gently which would remain for all eternity.

 -The End-

 masterlist

[robininthelabyrinth]

Tedious Joys 

 - Chapter 1/8 - Ao3 link -

By the time Lao Nie wrote to Lan Qiren under personal cover to ask for his assistance, they hadn’t spoken in nearly seven years.

Oh, they’d spoken – it was rather impossible to avoid speaking, acting sect leader to sect leader. They attended the same discussion conferences, and of course the Lan and Nie sects were close allies, insofar as the Great Sects were anything to each other; their alliance, martial and moral, tended to balance out the riches and clever tricks brought to bear by the Jin and Jiang sects, and of course the Wen sect was large and powerful enough that it didn’t need or want any allies that it couldn’t subject to its dominion. An alliance meant constant contact, checking in, and ideally would call for a good relationship between the leaders of the two sects, which they had once had.

They had once been very close, even.

Lan Qiren had idolized Lao Nie from a young age, admiring his fierceness and his passion for life, his ruthless logic and his practicality and his thoughtful sense of judgment, all the more admirable given that he was from a sect known for being a bunch of hotheads. When Lan Qiren’s older brother – older by nearly ten years, with a middle brother that had died before Lan Qiren’s birth and several miscarriages in between as his parents struggled to provide the sect with the requisite spare – had continuously tried to leave his irritating younger sibling at home when going on night-hunts, Lao Nie had cheerfully interjected himself more than once, volunteering that he would be happy to take him along, and at that point Lan Qiren’s brother, who admired the older man nearly as much as Lan Qiren did, would generally yield, even if he grumbled about it.

Unlike Qingheng-jun, who ought to have been more considerate for his own family, Lao Nie had never minded having to slow down the pace of his hunts in order to accommodate a sickly child, a pedantic one that needed to understand things thoroughly before he was comfortable trying something new. He had often allowed Qingheng-jun to rush ahead and win glory that ought in all fairness to have been his, something Lan Qiren only discovered when he reviewed his history in retrospect.

Lao Nie hadn’t minded how clumsy Lan Qiren was, or how picky he was, refusing to eat even common foods if the texture didn’t appeal to him; he had only laughed at his excessive formality, the harshness of his tone, his tendency to repeat himself or to become caught on little details. He’d indulged him, wasting copious amounts of his time listening to Lan Qiren talk enthusiastically about the Lan sect rules, which he’d fallen in love with at an early age and, when young, rarely missed the chance to bring into any given conversation no matter how irrelevant.

He’d always been very kind to him.

If you had asked Lan Qiren ten years ago, he would have confidently asserted that Lao Nie was one of his dearest friends.

And yet – it had been Lan Qiren, who was short on friends, and not Lao Nie, who had many, that had cut off their relationship. Lan Qiren hadn’t truly spoken to Lao Nie in seven years, limiting their conversations to the subject of sect business and keeping their meetings as short as could be allowed by etiquette, ignoring the way Lao Nie looked at him with sadness and regret in his eyes. Even when Lan Qiren’s anger had finally died down from a raging flame to a simmering anger he suspected would never leave him entirely, he had thought to himself that it was too late, that the fire had burnt everything out, that there were only ashes left behind.

And yet – on the seventh year, apparently apropos of nothing, Lao Nie wrote to him, requesting his presence.

As a friend, he wrote. Come as a friend, or not at all. I have no use for a sect leader.

Lan Qiren struggled with the request, which did not obey any of the unwritten rules he had forced himself to learn on top of the many that were written. He did not know if he was still enough of a friend to Lao Nie to answer such a request.

He did not know himself whether he would go until the moment that he went.

Lao Nie met him at the gateway to the Unclean Realm, relief written in every line of him.

“Thank you,” he said, and Lan Qiren shifted uncomfortably from side to side.

“I didn’t even do anything yet,” he said stiffly, instinctively reaching up to stroke his beard. It was a more acceptable social tic than others that he had been discouraged from employing; losing access to it, however temporarily, had been one of the reasons he had been so upset with Cangse Sanren when she’d shaved it off while he was asleep. She’d tracked him down later to apologize when she’d realized how badly he’d taken it, serious for perhaps the only time he’d known her, and they’d ended up as something almost like friends out of the whole debacle. He hadn’t heard from her in years, either, but that was no breach; it was only that she was busy with her husband and the little child she had once shoved into his arms with that deep, echoing laugh of hers. “Don’t thank me until I’ve determined if I can do anything for you, or will.”

Lao Nie nodded and showed him inside, leading him to his private chambers rather than the sect leader’s study. This suggested that the issue was private, although Lan Qiren supposed he’d already known that, based on the letter.

They sat in silence while Lao Nie personally served the tea, his brow still creased in concern, and Lan Qiren stared at him – too intently, as always – and wondered what private issue could have caused such an upset, and moreover what he could possibly need Lan Qiren for. Lao Nie was a private man, in the custom of his clan and sect; Lan Qiren didn’t know his birthdate or even his age, only the approximates, and many of the details of his life escaped him. It made it difficult to guess what the matter might be, if it were personal and not political.

Although…

“My condolences regarding your second wife,” he said, watching, and Lao Nie jerked his head in a tight nod, acknowledging the loss. Lao Nie’s first wife had been a mysterious figure, appearing and disappearing as suddenly as an unexpected burst of rain on a sunny day – the stories in Qinghe enthusiastically claimed she was a goddess that descended from the heavens to dally with moral race, who’d ended up marrying Lao Nie to legitimize the child he’d unexpectedly planted in her belly, only to be summoned back to the heavens on important duties, although of course it was commonly understood that she was more than likely just some powerful rogue cultivator who had decided after a short interval that being married was not for her. Lan Qiren had never met her, although he had had the fortune to meet Lao Nie’s second wife, who had been much more down-to-earth, an innkeeper’s daughter.

(Lan Qiren had rather liked her the few times they’d met. She was a little self-absorbed, in a harmless sort of way. She liked beautiful things and good food and talking about them, and was happy to carry on entire conversations while he responded only with nods and grunts; to his relief, she had never expected anything more from him. She was very beautiful herself, both delicate and seductive with her fox’s face and long and narrow eyes; some cruel people spread rumors that she was a demon or a yao in disguise, sent to wreak havoc through the seduction of men. She had never tried anything like that on Lan Qiren, unless her attempt at seduction consistent of sharing a plate of snacks and occupying him enough to prevent him from having to listen to the more boring parts of the social parts of certain discussion conference meetings. At any rate, he’d been truly saddened to hear that she had died.)

Still, Lao Nie had not yet begun to speak.

That meant that the problem was not in relation to that aspect of his life, which in all honesty was a relief. Lan Qiren could not imagine a world in which Lao Nie confided his marital problems in a prematurely old bachelor like him.

Perhaps…

“Your sons?” he asked, and this time Lao Nie flinched, so he’d guessed right. “Ah. The younger one?”

The younger one would be about A-Zhan’s age, surely, or even younger. Little more than a toddler, not yet quite old enough to be taken away from the mother – or nurse, in the case of Lao Nie’s second son – and they were so terribly fragile at that age…

“No,” Lao Nie said, and sighed, a long exhale. “Forgive me, it’s a difficult subject. A-Sang is fine. The issue is with A-Jue.”

Nie Mingjue would now be around eight or nine years old, Lan Qiren thought, or perhaps even older – it was so hard to tell with these secretive Nie, and he only knew enough to make the guess at all because of their former friendship. Most sects were only vaguely aware that there were heirs to the Nie sect, and had certainly never seen hide nor hair of Nie Mingjue, during discussion conferences or otherwise.

He’d been a toddler the last time Lan Qiren had seen him, young and energetic, running around anywhere, but he had something of his father’s kindness – he’d actually listened to Lan Qiren telling him about rules that didn’t apply to him, and even proudly repeated some of them back to his father, much to Lan Qiren’s embarrassment – without having yet grown into his father’s occasional callous ruthlessness.

Perhaps it made a certain amount of sense that Lao Nie would ask for help with his children. Since his life plans had been irrevocably altered, Lan Qiren had taken over teaching at the Cloud Recesses, and to his surprise, was apparently making something of a name for himself.

It hadn’t been intentional: he’d been desperate for something to do with himself that wasn’t just for the sect, so much of his time consumed by the business of sect leadership, and he’d always planned to become a teacher eventually, although he’d always assumed it would be much later in life. He’d volunteered to teach, only to look at the small handful of obedient, well-trained Lan sect disciples that he would be in charge of instructing and quickly realized that such ‘teaching’ wouldn’t occupy his time at all.

Accordingly, he had demanded that the sect elders allow him to accept disciples from other sects as well. The request was highly irregular, but strictly abided by all Lan sect rules on the subject – it was Lan Qiren putting together the proposal, after all – and the elders had granted it with surprisingly little debate. To this day, Lan Qiren wasn’t sure if it was pity for his circumstances or simply an assumption that no outside students would bother attending, but he would not let the approval, once granted, be so easily retracted: he had sent out letters asking for students at once, and to everyone’s surprise but his own they actually came.

(He’d been clever about it, at the start. He’d reached out first to those smaller sects that would not have access to resources even a quarter as good as the Cloud Recesses, asking specifically for those children that seemed troublesome – the ones it took time and attention to teach, the ones who didn’t seem to be getting what they were supposed to learn. The slow, the stupid, the angry, the ones who disappointed their parents most of all. Lan Qiren might not have answers for those children, but at least he could give them his time and attention and he found, for most of them, that was all they wanted.)

Recently, though, they’d started getting more requests to join from the slightly larger subsidiary sects, more people, even murmurs about sending him their sect heirs rather than their burdens – people were saying that his teaching could make a gentleman even out of a waste, which Lan Qiren didn’t really understand. After all, putting aside a few students that were too arrogant to be willing to learn anything, he hadn’t encountered a single one he’d characterize as a waste.

“How can I help A-Jue?” he asked, expecting Lao Nie to finally give in and explain.

But Lao Nie shook his head.

“There’s some background I need to tell you first,” he said. “Without which the problem won’t make much sense. You have one of the finest analytical minds I’ve ever met, Qiren, and a way of thinking that doesn’t match up to conventional wisdom – I’m hoping you can help me where expertise has failed.”

Lan Qiren frowned, embarrassed. “I can try,” he said, already mentally rearranging his plans to account for a longer stay. He disliked sudden changes and had planned out three possible lengths of time for his visit – one short, one medium, one long – so that he would be able to select whichever one would be most appropriate. He hoped that the issue would not require any more time than the longest period he had allotted. “What is the subject?”

“Saber,” Lao Nie said, and smiled at Lan Qiren’s confusion. “My sect’s cultivation style. Let me explain…”

Lao Nie’s explanation was fascinating.

The cultivation style of the Nie sect – and the Nie clan in particular, especially the main branch – was unlike anything Lan Qiren had ever heard before, completely different in both substance and philosophy. It was a rough trade, a difficult road, heartbreaking in its sacrifice, impressive in its results…

It wasn’t the road for everybody, but one couldn’t help but admire those that walked it.

“Doesn’t it get close to demonic cultivation, using resentful energy like that?” he asked at one point, and Lao Nie had explained to him how they had drawn the distinction – using beasts, never humans, and channeling the worst of the effects into their sabers rather than themselves. How much they strived to cultivate morality into their sabers as well as power.

Lan Qiren thought that it was a fine line, but after some thought concluded that they fell on the right side of it, if just barely. The primary dangers of demonic cultivation were in the way it increased the amount of evil in the world, whether through the inevitable madness and violent rampages of its wielders or through the simple side effects of using other people’s corpses as your playthings, increasing their own resentment, breaking the hearts of their loved ones, and causing their ancestors to curse you; that sort of vile conduct was an offense to the Heavens. The Nie sect’s cultivation avoided that, and if through their sabers they added a little bit of evil to the world then it could not be denied that they took much, much more of it out.

“I think I understand now,” he said, brushing his fingers along his beard. “But…why tell me? Isn’t it one of your clan secrets?”

“It is,” Lao Nie agreed. “As a general principle, we do not tell outsiders unless we must.”

The Nie sect preferred principles over rules, which Lan Qiren begrudgingly accepted even if he himself preferred having rules, clear and precise and equal even if they sometimes weren’t quite fair. But situation-dependent or not, the Nie held to those principles just as tightly as any Lan did to their sect rules, and that was worthy of respect.

“So you felt that you must,” Lan Qiren observed. “But why? And what does it have to do with A-Jue? Is he not taking to your sect’s teachings…?”

“I would almost prefer that,” Lao Nie said, and rubbed his eyes. “We’ve always had those that didn’t follow our ways – those that refused to train the saber, or refused to cultivate a spirit despite all their training. No. It’s actually…A-Jue’s very good.”

Lan Qiren had been a teacher for seven years. He was accustomed to parents who needed to praise their child before getting to the point, though he wouldn’t have expected it of Lao Nie. He waited.

“He’s too good,” Lao Nie said, and abruptly covered his face with his hands. “He’s already cultivated a spirit in Baxia.”

Lan Qiren’s whole body jerked. “Lao Nie!” he exclaimed. “You’ve already given him a saber? He’s too young!”

Under the age of ten, Nie Mingjue should still be building his strength, shaping the muscles that would serve him in the future; he should be wielding only a practice saber made of wood, heavy and slow as he etched the forms of his sect style into his bones. Even if he was a true prodigy, a once-in-a-generation genius, he should at most bear a weapon of dulled steel, and never an actual spiritual weapon, much less the one that would be the companion of his future life.

“He took it himself,” Lao Nie said. “A little over a year ago – we had a surprise attack, right in the middle of the summer hunts. Supposedly bandits, but actually mercenaries, supported by traitors from the inside; they had a map to lead them straight inside our home, and attacked at the moment when most of us were gone. When everyone else ran for cover, A-Jue went to the armory and picked up a saber, freshly forged, and he took his first blood the same day. What was I supposed to do? Take it away from him?”

Lan Qiren felt a stab of sympathy for Lao Nie’s impossible dilemma.

Taking the saber away just when A-Jue had started bonding with it, right after he’d shed blood with it for the first time – yes, that would have been far worse. It might have crippled his confidence, introduced hesitation that would damage his cultivation forever, hinder his future growth…

“And he already developed a saber spirit?” he said instead. “Within a year?”

That wasn’t genius. That was insane.

“I know,” Lao Nie said. “The faster we cultivate, the sooner we die, but how am I supposed to say that to a child? And there’s how fast he’s picked up our cultivation style, how fast he’s going – what if he introduces some flaw into it and it sinks in before anyone notices? Even a minor disruption to his qi, at this age –”

Lan Qiren scowled. “Stop panicking,” he ordered. “That won’t help anyone at all, least of all him.”

Unexpectedly, Lao Nie smiled at him, although the smile was full of regret.

“It’s easy to say and hard to do,” he said. “Don’t you know I always lose my head when it comes to love?”

Lan Qiren knew.

Lao Nie had always been reckless in matters of the heart, as seen by his decision to marry some stranger for his first wife and a nobody for his second, and to thereafter refuse a third, more sensible arrangement with some sect leader’s daughter or sister that could care for the children as a mother while acting as a useful political tool, even if no other children were forthcoming. Even though his life had been beset with later tragedy, he had been happy with his wives – happy and in love, and unwilling to trade a single moment with them for anything.

Lan Qiren knew this. He even understood it.

He just had trouble excusing it.

Lao Nie had been friend to Lan Qiren’s brother long before he’d been friend to him, and so when Qingheng-jun had fallen in love in that sudden, shocking, irrevocable manner that the Lan sect had, Lao Nie had been the first to support him in it, delighted to think that his friend would find the same happiness he had himself found. He’d encouraged him not to be shy in presenting his courtship, in presenting himself as a possible match; he’d reassured him that some disinterest to begin with was reasonable, given that they were still strangers, and advised him to enjoy the feeling of falling in love, to be reckless and bold and daring with it…and he did it all in writing, from a distance.  

Lao Nie had been occupied at the time with issues in his own sect – probably the scandals relating to his first wife, in retrospect, though of course he said nothing of it back then – and had unwisely trusted in Qingheng-jun’s description of the events, rather than seeing the circumstances for himself.  It was understandable that he would not comprehend how fiercely his friend’s heart had been gripped by love, or how truly disinterested He Kexin was in her ardent suitor, not when Qingheng-jun described her resistance as mere coquetry. It was impossible for Lao Nie to have predicted that his well-meant advice that love was worth anything, even defiance of sect rules and the counsels of the elders, would be interpreted in such a terrible way.

Still less, of course, could he have predicted what happened next, the tragedy of He Kexin and the friend that deceived her, that tried to use her and Qingheng-jun through her through false rumors and twisted stories, and in so doing underestimated how unbridled He Kexin could be when pressed. It was all part and parcel of the same underlying calamity: if Qingheng-jun had not been so persistent in his courtship, He Kexin wouldn’t have had such a bad impression of the Lan sect; if she hadn’t had such a bad impression of the Lan sect, she might not have been so ready to believe her friend’s lies about their teacher’s conduct, to allow herself to be indirectly used to manipulate Qingheng-jun’s love-madness to the advantage of another sect; if He Kexin had been a little less arrogant or a little less blindly trusting or had bothered to ask a single question before taking upon herself the duty of executioner as well as judge, if she’d only held back her sword and not gone so far as to kill a man over baseless rumor – if only – if only – if, if, if –

If Qingheng-jun had not decided that his love mattered more to him than his sect.

There was no way Lao Nie could have known what would happen.

It was understandable.

One might even say that it was forgivable, except Lan Qiren had not yet gotten around to forgiving him.

Lan Qiren had dreamed of travel, not teaching; he’d wanted to play music in all the forgotten places, to learn all the things that could not be simply deduced from inside the safety of the Cloud Recesses. He’d wanted to help people, to use that vast store of knowledge that seemed irrevocably stuck in his brain to solve problems and suggest solutions. But the Lan sect needed a leader, and with Qingheng-jun in permanent seclusion, disinterested in sect matters, choosing instead to obsess endlessly over his broken heart…

The duty had fallen to Lan Qiren instead.

(He Kexin had eventually grown rather fond of her husband, even if love wasn’t the word for it. Lan Qiren didn’t know if she was simply salvaging what she could out of an unsalvageable situation or if she just enjoyed the exercise, but he had two nephews now, to raise as if they were his own. Because that was just what he needed, another chain binding him to his home, another duty that shouldn’t have been his – he loved his nephews more than anything, so he couldn’t be angry at them, couldn’t blame them for being born, and so he had to be angry at everyone else instead.)

Lan Qiren lowered his head and pursed his lips. He knew Lao Nie wanted his forgiveness. He even knew, according to the sect rules he valued so highly, that he should grant it. Seven years was surely long enough to pay for any innocent mistake, wasn’t it?

Come as a friend, or not at all.

That was the invitation Lao Nie had extended, and Lan Qiren had come. That was very nearly a decision, if he wanted it to be.

“Let me see him,” Lan Qiren proposed, and Lao Nie’s smile warmed at once.

[bestworstcase]

On the subject of the last ask, do you think Cap was a good dad to Cass? I've seen argument her actions in s3 were not justified because she had a good parental figure so she was just being a child about the whole ordeal of not receiving a mother's affection but even though I agree her motivations were tainted I'm not sure I agree Cap was such a good dad she wouldn't want to be seeking for parent approval

w well

i think in general there’s probably no hope for the sort of people who reduce cassandra’s motivations down to “mommy issues” because my feeling there is you can’t really reason with people who are determined not to empathize with female characters no matter what - and i really do think you have to be, at the least, pretty emotionally removed from cassandra’s perspective to not see how unhealthy her relationship with her dad really was, because it. whoo. s1 did not pull punches in this regard. *waves vaguely at the linked post*

there is also i think an element of, idk, we see this phenomenon in the fandom with quirin and frederic where they are both Not Great dads who toe right up to the line of emotional abuse and imo in fred’s case step over it in SOTS, and the tts fandom has a tendency to take that and go ok these men are horribly abusive in every imaginable way! because nuance is dead.

and the captain by and large does not get that treatment except in like, very occasional cassunzel fics where he is used as the homophobic hammer with which to forge some extra angst - and i think, in a way, this combines with the common fanon Unrelentingly Terrible Dad characterizations of quirin and fred to kind of… inure the general fandom to the unhealthy way cap treats cassandra; his fanon characterization looks so much better by comparison to the Abusive Monsters quirin and especially frederic get twisted into that i think a lot of folks straight up forget that in canon all three of them kind of equally suck in s1 and all three of them have (admittedly very half-assed lol) arcs about getting better in s3. and this then gets translated to cassandra with but she had a good dad so why does she care about gothel which also, frankly, is a gross misunderstanding of the myriad ways early childhood neglect and abuse and parental abandonment and adoption can all be traumatic in and of themselves, and in combination with each other will absolutely fuck someone up for life even in the idealest circumstance.

i have also seen the variant of “well cass grew up in a palace she has all this privilege so how dare she say she has nothing and rapunzel got everything” which ignores how absolutely conditional every privilege cassandra has was, and how it was clearly drilled into her that it was conditional and temporary and could be taken away at whim. she is privileged to have grown up economically comfortable and with enough status to get away with being quietly, privately gnc in a country where that is obviously Not Okay - but that privilege could have spun around and stabbed her in the back at a drop of a hat and she knew that. hell, we SEE it spin around to stab her in the back at the end of s1, when the captain makes good on his threat to force her into a convent. everything cassandra had before taking the moonstone was absolutely dependent on her dancing to corona’s exacting tune and it could be snatched away at the whim of her father or literally any person in the coronan court with enough power to force his hand. even her *best friend* being the princess was not enough to keep her place in corona secure. like, she’s better off than, say, lady caine—but barely.

kshdkd i could rant for literal hours about this but like to wrap around back to what you actually ASKED - in s1 cassandra’s desire to be a guard is so so so clearly based in wanting to earn her father’s approval and trust, like, him letting her be a guard is the ultimate symbol of that and every time he says no she is basically hearing “you’re not good enough for me” and quite apart from his parenting and how her trauma influenced how she perceived his feelings towards her, the Fact Is cassandra worked herself to the BONE trying to earn her father’s approval and love and she, crucially, left corona feeling like she hadn’t. and i think it’s important to read her utter DESPERATION for a scrap of true, open, unearned affection from gothel with that fact in mind, because at the end of the day gothel is someone cassandra didn’t know and she can cling to gothel as an ideal, of a sort - as well i know she was an awful person but maybe she loved me anyway, maybe i was her daughter and that mattered to her deep down, because cassandra spent eighteen YEARS trying to earn her dad’s love and she feels like she never, ever measured up, which in a horrible trauma fueled way does actually make gothel the better option here, in that at this point gothel is An Idea and not an actual person.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

bella/esme?

Oooh, interesting but very tough question. I mean, given my track record, it's obvious my answer's going to be "I don't see it" except... in this case I kind of do.

Just not in the way you expect, or in a way that the internet will say will count.

So, What's the Problem on Esme's End? I don't read Esme as attracted to women. Though, I'll admit, it's also very hard to get a firm grasp on Esme in general. She's a very strange person, who could very well be attracted to women, but like the number of licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world will never truly know.

Esme is content to be Esme, mother to Edward, wife to Carlisle, sort of mother of the rest of those Cullen kids. If she found herself attracted to a woman, I don't think she'd even realize it, it'd be such a non-concept to her.

Where does that fit into Esme's surreal haze of an existence?

So, even if Esme likes women, even if she likes Bella specifically, I doubt it will ever even occur to her what's happening. She just stares at Bella and thinks how wonderful it is that Edward found such a charming girl.

In other words, that's right, there would be absolutely no difference from what we see in canon.

Otherwise, as usual, canon gets in the way. Esme and Carlisle have extreme issues, but neither realizes they have extreme issues. Esme at the start of Twilight and throughout the series is happily married to Carlisle and will remain so until something very unpleasant and unforeseen happens.

That something may have to do with Bella, but it's not Bella existing in the first place nor is it her having a relationship with Edward. Point being, Bella's a non-option for Esme at any point in the canon series.

And if Esme was single... I don't think she ever would be. I think, given the state she was in when Carlisle turned her, Carlisle not having married her (especially after Edward made Esme's feelings clear) would have destroyed her. And pining after Carlisle was a defining part of her life and may have had a very large hand in her ending up in that Morgue in the first place (Esme keeps saying no to suitors until... Charles comes along).

An Esme who never wanted to marry Carlisle would be a very different person and may very well have not ended up a Cullen at all.

If Esme decided she wasn't that into Carlisle... Well, this is a place for heretical meta so I'll go ahead and say it, she'd probably end up with Edward. And it'd be weird. Really, really, weird. Weirder than what those two do already.

POINT BEING, given that Esme bases her entire persona, for decades, around this Stepford housewife ideal, Esme is not staying single. Certainly not still single by 2005. And if she is then she probably left to go live with the Denali and is having an absolutely miserable time.

And even if we get past all of this, somehow, then Edward likely still shows interest in Bella. If he does, even if Esme is single and realizes her own feelings, Bella's immediately off the table. It's a non-starter, Edward deserves all the happiness in the world and Esme will gladly give that up.

Esme would never go for Bella as a romantic partner.

What's the Problem on Bella's End?

Bella has 0 interest in Esme as a person.

Esme is Mama Vampire, she's very sweet, the sweetest person Bella has ever met and a woman she imprints on as "mom", but that's it. They never spend time together, Bella never shows any interest in spending time with her, and beyond Esme being "mom" Bella could not care less.

Bella has at least one very deep conversation with pretty much every other Cullen: Carlisle at her birthday party, Jasper when he confesses his sordid history, Rosalie when she explains why she treats Bella the way she does and her own history.

The only other person that doesn't hit that quota is Emmett. And he, to Bella, is also a non-concept. He's funny older brother.

Bella won't go out of her way to make friends with Esme, to do anything with Esme, or even listen to Esme's opinions. She just does not care.

Also damning, of the people Bella's attracted to, which includes both men and women, Esme is not on that list. Bella's noticeably attracted to Rosalie, Alice (after they form an emotional connection), Edward, and Carlisle.

Esme's pretty and a vampire, she has oddly soft features for a vampire, but Bella has no remarks beyond that. She doesn't spend much time looking at Esme.

If Esme was the only vampire around, the first one Bella met, and had some interest in Bella then Bella might go for it, because vampire, but it's unlikely even an Esme wandering alone would show that interest.

But Didn't You Say This Was Kind of Canon?! So, the thing is, per the end of Breaking Dawn, Bella's left the planet in a very similar way to Esme.

She has a small cabin where she lives with her nuclear family within a family. Her hybrid daughter sleeps in one room, she has tepid sex with Edward in the other. She reads her alien daughter her favorite books like Wuthering Heights, somehow believing Renesmee follows all of this even when she undoubtedly asks "What's an England?"

Bella prances through the trees in beautiful clothes when she hunts, screaming, "I AM BEAUTIFUL!"

Bella went through a horrifically traumatizing experience, untold amounts of stress, and suddenly gets everything she thinks she ever wanted.

Just as this didn't seem to be good for Esme, it doesn't look good for Bella.

So why do I bring this up? Because I can see Esme and Bella being weird Stepford Mom/Wives together.

They bake cookies for Renesmee that Renesmee can't eat. They take "first day of school pictures" of Renesmee every time she goes to school. Every. Single. Day. Bella gives Renesmee the world's worst rendition of the sex talk as well as vaguely feminist pep talks that are completely out of context. Esme and Bella discuss the joys of motherhood, Esme talking about raising Edward, Bella discussing how she's raising Renesmee and kids just grow up so fast.

They bond beautifully over this shared experience. It's a deep emotional bond between them that the other Cullens can't understand. Bella remarks how close they are and she never realized how difficult Esme's job was before Renesmee.

They get really weird.

But they don't have sex, have no romantic notions towards the other at all, and are simply Mother together.

[illfoandillfie]

Pet Names, Double Dates and Other Fiascos

READ PLATONICALLY

Request:  SECOND ARO FIC OH MY GOD !!!! maybe them getting a lil dirty and ben really does a number on reader, so he takes her to mcdonalds or sumn and the waiter says something along the lines of “you’re such a cute couple!” and reader gets really uncomfortable with it maybe??? and ben being taking her home and cuddling her PLATONICALLY and he’s like “it’s ok we don’t need to let anyone else’s opinions affect us”

Pairing: Aromantic!Fem!Reader x Ben Hardy

Summary:  It's (nearly) all fun and games until someone assumes your relationship is romantic.

Warnings: Smut, kitchen sex, floor sex, oral sex (f receiving), a mild hint at choking, vaguely dom!Ben but not intentionally lmao, discussions of aromanticism and queerplatonic relationships, not as dialogue heavy as the first part though. 

Words: 7, 264

A/N: Happy Arospec Awareness Week!! Big thanks to the anon who sent in that request when I asked for ideas for future chapters. I put a little bit of a twist on your idea but it’s fundamentally the same. Also the last scene is one that I’ve been thinking about for literal months now and I finally managed to fit it into a fic! 

As always, if you’re curious about anything to do with aromanticism I am very happy to talk about it and answer questions! 

Taglist:  @atomic-watermelon @kellypenac @labessieisallama​ @deakyclicks​ @jennyggggrrr​ @drowseoftaylor​ @hannafuckingsucks​ @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​ @queenmylovely​ @ilovequeenmorethanyou​ @johndeaconshands​ @borhapbois​ @stardust-galaxies​ @cherries-n-rocknroll​ @scorpiogemini

The day had started off well. You woke with Ben tucked up under your arm, his legs curled up towards his chest since you’d stole the covers as you’d slept. Your face was pressed against the back of his neck and you felt him shift as you sighed sleepily and tried to keep from waking. Squeezing your eyes shut and pretending you hadn’t stirred must have worked because the next thing you knew was waking up to an empty bed and tinkly tapping sounds from somewhere else in the apartment. Groggily you shuffled out from the inviting comfort of the mattress, stretched, and pulled down the hem of the shirt you’d slept in to better cover your otherwise bare thighs before following the noises. You found Ben, still in his pyjamas (well, his boxer briefs) in the kitchen, dropping a couple of toasted waffles onto a plate, humming to himself.

“That for me?” you asked, stifling a yawn. “It can be,” he said, passing the plate to you with a quick kiss on your cheek, “There’s some cut up fruit and the maple syrup out on the coffee table and there’s coffee brewing over there,” “Thanks Benny,” “You’re welcome, Puddin’,” “Puddin’?” “I thought it was cute,” “Very cute.” You laughed as you reached for your coffee, unable to help but smile as you left the room. The first few months of your partnership had taken some adjusting and one thing Ben had decided he would do to make you both feel more at home with the dynamic was to come up with some non-romantic based terms of endearment for you. You’d vetoed things like baby and honey straight away, all of them a little too heavily skewed towards romance, or just reminders of past relationships you’d tried to force yourself into, for you to enjoy them. But, as Ben had said, he liked a good pet name, and he’d seemingly been determined to prove as much, constantly coming up with new things to call you. You, never really one for pet names anyway, mostly stuck with Benny or Benjamin if the situation called for something longer but you had a few other go-tos – things like Pet and Blondie as signs of affection, or Handsome and Tiger when you wanted to make him blush.

A few minutes later Ben joined you on the couch, placing his coffee down beside yours, almost spilling it as he watched the news story that was playing. “Remember we’ve got that double date with Jill and Martin this afternoon,” you said, the memory only just coming to you yourself. “Yeah, what time was that?” “Hang on, I’ll check the chat.” You scrolled through the messages on your phone with one hand while you ate with the other, “uhhh right, yeah, meeting at the bowling alley at 1.30.” “Bowling? Good, better than another shitty movie,” You laughed, “hey the last one they picked wasn’t too bad.” “Yeah I know, just not in the mood for it since I’ve been on set all week. I know if I went to the cinema now I’d just get distracted thinking about all the behind the scenes stuff which isn’t ideal for becoming invested in the story. Plus they’re always choosing romcoms, doesn’t that get annoying for you?” “Not really,” you shrugged, “I mean, do I sometimes wish they’d branch out? Sure. But I enjoy romance in fiction I just don’t need it in my real life. Don’t get me wrong though, very happy to do something different this time.” “How long d’you think we’ll be out?” You shrugged, “A few hours maybe?” “We should pop to the shop on the way back then. You need milk and we could get something nice for dinner.” “Sounds good. Does that mean you’re staying over again tonight?” “I was planning to, yeah. Barely saw you last week so I was hoping to spend all weekend with you to make up for it.” “Bet you regret agreeing to go out with them now,” “Kinda. S’pose it’s too late to cancel though,” “Nah you still could but you know they’ll get stroppy about it and we’ll have to go out with them next week. They don’t have any other couple friends since Neil and Percy split and Bianca took her fella overseas.” “Yeah, wasn’t seriously suggesting it.” “What would the plan have been if we did cancel?” Ben chewed a mouthful of fruit thoughtfully, “you, me, your bed. No need to be too quiet since Sophie’s still out,” he glanced at your roommate’s bedroom door, his eyes swinging back to you as he continued, “Or y’know, we could do a puzzle and listen to music all day, have a cat nap after lunch, whatever.” “You’re cute when you’re being all lazy,” “There would be nothing lazy about it thank you very much,” “Cat naps aren’t lazy?” “You know that’s not the part I was talking about,” “It wasn’t? Then what won’t be lazy,” you tried to hold back a giggle in the middle of your faux confusion but broke when Ben blew a raspberry at you in response.

Nothing more was said about cancelling as you finished your breakfast, though truthfully you probably wouldn’t have minded if Ben had cried off sick and rescheduled the double date. But you both decided that Sunday would be a day for just the two of you to make up for having to spend Saturday afternoon with others. Instead, you spoke of the week just passed and commented on the news still playing on the TV. When you were finished (Ben using the last corner of one of his waffles to swipe the remnant syrup from his plate) you stood and stacked the sticky dishes in your arms. Ben collected the coffee cups and a few other assorted dishes from the previous night, leading the way towards the kitchen and the dishwasher. He loaded his small collection onto the shelves before turning to grab the top plate from the pile you held. A noise of disgust rose from his throat as you held the plate out and he miscalculated the trajectory, his palm landing in a puddle of syrup and fruit juice. You were torn between laughing at his expression and taking the opportunity to toy with him a little but, always ready to tease him, your desire to see him blush won out. Trying not to smile too much, you reached forward and wrapped your hand around his wrist, pulling his palm closer so you could lick the sweet syrup from his skin. Predictably his cheeks turned pink and he pulled his lip between his teeth as you let him go with a laugh. “Bet you’re really wishing we didn’t have to go out now, huh Tiger?” Ben didn’t respond but he did react, his eyes locked on you as he swiped his fingers along the same plate and held them out in offering. Not quite sure where things were heading but very keen on finding out, you leaned forward and let your lips part slightly. He took the action for what it was, an invitation, and trailed his fingertips across your lower lip before slipping them between the two. He watched closely as you sucked his fingers deeper, using your tongue to lick up the sweet residue. There was still an element of novelty with this aspect of your partnership. Still part of you that was intensely aware that it was Ben’s fingers in your mouth. There wasn’t any hesitation though, hadn’t been since that first time when you’d both had to psych yourselves up to actually look at each other naked. But there was a part of your brain that was almost surprised when you found yourselves at the edge of a sexual situation. You suspected he was similarly discombobulated by how easy it was for you to end up there, how frequently playful teasing and friendly jokes turned into hands grasping at bed sheets and breathless moans against sweat-slick skin. He pulled his fingers free from your lips, unwilling or perhaps unable to shift his gaze away from the thin string of saliva that connected them like some kind of erotic spider web that you were both already caught in. You waited to see what he’d do next, feeling your heart race in the pregnant pause so full of potential. And then he moved. You laughed as he grabbed you around the waist and lifted you at the same moment he stepped towards the bench, your legs instinctively wrapping around him. He kissed you too, hungrily, as if it were impossible to resist. You’d looked down at him and suddenly been pulled towards each other, lips meeting with all the force and attraction of a magnetic field. Usually, he would have had a hand against the back of your head or your jaw but carrying you meant both his hands were already occupied so instead you substituted your own, tangling your fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck to keep him from pulling away too far. As soon as you were safely positioned on the edge of the bench though his hands were free to fall elsewhere. One pressed against the small of your back as the other squeezed your thigh, encouraging you to keep your legs spread. Not that you could have closed them with Ben standing between them and not that the thought had even crossed your mind.

If you’d had all day Ben probably would have taken his time with you. Despite what he’d said earlier, you’d discovered Ben had a soft spot for slow and sensual intimacy. Making out that gradually built to passionate kiss-filled sex, foreplay that included soft caresses and whispered praise, anything that let him explore your body in intricate detail with his hands and lips. You’d been with guys like that before and had hated their insistence on linking hands and kissing you slowly. Those relationships never lasted long but with Ben it felt different, it felt good. Maybe it was because he knew you weren’t on board with overtly romantic acts and respected those boundaries you’d talked about so you never felt as if he were pushing you into a roll you didn’t enjoy. Or maybe he was just a better lover than they had been. Either way, it came to same result. You still preferred something less gentle and more energetic, though you felt you better understood the appeal of being held so close and kissed so tenderly. But with only a few hours before you’d have to start getting ready, Ben was inclined to speed things up a little. His hand quickly slipped up your thigh to press against your pussy, the cotton knickers you’d slept in the only thing keeping him from direct contact. You broke the kiss suddenly, the smacking sound loud in the small room, and dipped your head to press your lips to the notch between his clavicles. In response, Ben lifted his chin, exposing more of his throat to you and you took the chance to playfully nip at the junction where his neck and shoulder met. “Oi, no marks,” he said lwoly as you moved to kiss back up towards his jaw. “Afraid I’ll brand you with my initials?” “If you could legibly write your initials in hickeys I’d put up with whatever teasing the makeup ladies gave me,” “I’ll give it a crack then shall I?” Before you could so much as flick your tongue over his skin, Ben had raised a hand and placed it over your mouth to keep you from testing our your writing abilities, “Don’t think theres enough time, Sugar, but if you really want to I’ll let you try tonight, on my thigh where no one is likely to see it.” “Make it your arse and you’ve got a deal,” you said though it was a little muffled by his palm. “Fine,” he laughed, drawing his hand away, “But then I get to try it on you too,” You nodded, grinning, and then both fell into giggles, leaning against each other’s shoulders. This was what you’d hoped for when Ben had first approached you with the idea of being partners, what you’d been afraid you’d never actually find. Someone who would follow your tangential jokes even if it delayed sex. Someone you could be yourself with. You were distracted from the thought as Ben pressed his lips to your shoulder over the sleeve of your shirt. “Should I continue?” he asked, still smiling though softer, his fingertips lightly dancing over the crease of your thigh. “I’d be offended if you didn’t” “Can’t have that,” he leaned in to catch your lips once again, at the same time resuming stroking you over your panties so that you felt all the air leave your lungs in a rush. It felt good but you need more and so shifted your hips, trying to press yourself harder against his fingers. To get more leverage and better brace yourself as your centre of gravity changed, you dropped a hand behind you. Intuitively, Ben shifted the hand on your back higher and closer to your side to help keep you steady, the other still drawing lines along your clothed slit. You gasped as his thumb took up residence against your clit, rubbing it firmly so a visible damp patch began to form on your panties.

Ben grinned at you as your breath came harder and dragged his thumb back down away from your clit towards the leg of your underwear. Still watching your reactions, he twisted his fingers up under the material, gently tracing them along the same path they’d just followed only now he could feel your wetness directly. “I’ve got an idea,” he said, leaning close to your ear, as he circled your entrance with a fingertip before pressing it into you, “of how I’d like to fuck you right now. It might take a little flexibility on your part though. I mean, nothing too much, just getting your legs up on my shoulders.” Curious, and more than a little distracted by the addition of a second finger inside you, you nodded, “Sounds fun.” “Knew you’d say that. Just tell me if it’s too uncomfortable,” “Will do.” You leaned forward as Ben moved back a little, taking his fingers with him, giving you enough room to drop your hand to his crotch and grasp his stiff length through his undies, “Just get on with it.” “Puddin’ was too nice a nickname for you. Sugar too.” he gasped as you dragged your palm along his length and back again. “What’s the matter, Tiger?” “Maybe I should call you Tiger, if you’re going to keep grabbing my cock like that,” You laughed and let him go, leaning back on your palm again, “Tigress? Whatever, doesn’t matter. Are you going to fuck me or not?” “No I just wanted to get my dick hard for no reason,” he said sarcastically, poking his tongue out at you as he pushed his underwear down. “You’re such a –” you broke off with a sharp gasp as Ben tugged your underwear aside and pressed into you without warning, “dork.” Ben chucked and leaned in to kiss you quickly before readjusting your position a little by pulling you closer to him so your arse was right against the edge of the bench. Slowly he rolled his hips against you, pulling back and thrusting forward again, finding a rhythm that worked. You leaned back on both palms as Ben grabbed you by the waist, the other resting on your knee to keep it pressed against his side. “This feel alright?” he asked as he gave another thrust, hitting a spot deep inside you. “Mmhmm,” you nodded, able to feel yourself growing wetter with each stroke of his cock. “What about this?” Ben shifted first one of your legs and then the other to his shoulders, encouraging you to bend them at the knee. His hands moved to your sides, fingertips digging into your back as he pressed you even closer. The effect was that you felt as if you were almost folded in half but it wasn’t too uncomfortable. There was an almost weightless feeling to it and any slight awkwardness you felt with your chest meeting your thighs was a small price to pay for just how good Ben felt once again moving inside you. You tightened your fingers against the benchtop, wishing there was something you could grab onto as your whole body rocked with each of his thrusts, the position allowing him to penetrate you deeply, continuously brushing against a number of spots that sent electric spikes of pleasure through you. “Fuck,” was about all you could think to say. “That a good fuck?” Ben questioned, voice gruff with his exertions. “Yeah, yes, fuck, so good,” “So you like when I do this?” You let out a soft moan as he roughly fucked into you again, timing it just right. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he half laughed, turning his head to kiss your leg before leaning forward to catch your lips again. After that there wasn’t much room for talking. Ben, having assured himself that you were happy, speeded up his rhythm, clutching you tightly to keep your legs from slipping off his shoulders. His breathing became rougher, matching your own, as he drove into you, though he still kissed you as much as he could, panting against your lips, swallowing your moans and pushing whatever air he had into your lungs.

You could feel your orgasm bubbling up, like a pot of water on the verge of boiling, but knew Ben would reach his first, recognising his expression as the one he wore when he was trying to hold back from the edge. “Fu-ck you’re s-so tight,” he grunted, squeezing his eyes shut as he leaned his forehead against yours, “gonna have to pull out soon,” You could feel him pulling away and tightened your calves on either side of his neck in an effort to stop him, needing just a little more to reach your own release. “Not helping,” he groaned, suddenly unable to hold off any longer, “Shit. Y/N.” You whined as he stilled to shoot his release over your walls. “Jesus,” he said a little breathlessly, as he pulled out, your underwear slipping back over you, and rubbed his neck absentmindedly, “Didn’t expect that to finish me off. Did you…?” You shook your head, letting your leg slip to be caught in the crook of Ben’s arm. “Well let’s fix that, shall we,” he said, already letting you go to bend forward, his face right between your thighs. You felt a puff of his hot breath against you as he hooked his index finger into the crotch of your knickers, pulling it aside, and then his tongue was on you, lapping up your arousal and coming to rest against your clit. He set up camp there, focusing all his attention on the small nub. You let yourself drop back so you were holding yourself up on one elbow, your other hand on the back of Ben’s head, tugging on his hair as he drew a series of moans from you. With a particularly firm suck, you felt your cunt pulse and something warm and wet ran from you, dripping over the edge of the bench onto the cupboard door. You had an idea what it was so it surprised you when Ben released your clit to lick between your lips, catching it with his tongue and spreading it along your slit. “We taste good together,” he mumbled, going in to trace the same path over again, greedily licking up the mixture. You swore under your breath, feeling yourself right on the edge of your orgasm, unspeakably turned on by Ben lapping up the load he’d just left in you. Sensing how close you were he dragged his tongue over your clit again, quickly sliding two fingers into you to help you along. You whined his name as he pushed you over the edge, continuing to pump his fingers into you as he again sucked at your clit, not stopping until he was sure it had worked. “Thank you,” you said as he straightened up again, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “You’re such a dork,” he laughed as he kissed you again, tracing his tongue over yours. The man clearly wanted you lightheaded from lack of air. “Shut up,” you pushed yourself to sit up straight again, expecting Ben to step away and let you hop down from the bench. He didn’t though, instead absentmindedly toying with the leg of your underwear as his gaze fell to your lips. “Seriously?” Ben shrugged, “Eating you out made me hard again. And,” he quickly ran his fingers along the edge of the bench, collecting some of the mess you’d left there, “I think it’s only fair you should taste us too,” If he’s said it less earnestly you might have batted his hand away and laughed off the suggestion but something about his tone made you grab his wrist to pull his fingers towards your mouth. He hadn’t been wrong, the mix of you both did taste pretty good, though you’d already got a hint of it as he’d kissed you. “Good girl,” he breathed out, eyes heavy with lust, “think you’re up for more?” “Can we move elsewhere? The edge of the counter is digging into me.” “Okay,” Ben began tugging your underwear down and kicked off his own before pulling your shirt over your head, making you laugh. He Helped you stand and then immediately pushed you to the floor. For a moment you thought he was suggesting you give him a blowjob and were about to question him but half a second later he was following you down, laying down and pulling you on top. “I meant like the bed or the couch at least,” you said somewhere between incredulity and amusement. “Too far,” he grunted, bucking his hips to encourage you to mount him properly, “need you now.” You rolled your eyes as you sank down onto his dick, “Do I actually get to cum this time or…?” “Only if you move,” Ben growled as he grasped your hips and pulled you down onto him, making you cry out at the unexpectedly sudden sensation of being filled. He let you ride him for a bit, alternating between squeezing your thigh as he rubbed his thumb over your clit and cupping your breasts, teasing your nipples as he encouraged you to fuck yourself on his cock faster. You kept to the same steady pace though, intending to drag it out a little, make him wait. But it wasn’t long before he got fed up with the deliberately slow pace you’d cultivated. Without warning you found yourself on your back, Ben grasping your thighs as he kneeled over you, pulling your hips up a little so he could fuck you the way he wanted. Your voice shook as you moaned and writhed in his shadow, your own fingers dancing over your clit to keep building your orgasm. “Isn’t that better?” he said roughly, laughing a little as you nodded your agreement, “Making me wish I had cancelled our plans. Could stay in your pussy all day.” You whimpered and rubbed your clit harder. “C’mon Pumpkin, so close aren’t ya,” You squeezed your eyes shut, moaning when you finally tipped over the edge. But that didn’t stop Ben. He waited until your orgasm had subsided and then pushed your legs wide and up into the air so he could lay directly on top of you as he continued to pound you. Your voice shook as a moan was pulled from your throat and you squirmed beneath him, feeling yourself once again being drawn towards release. There was something about his weight pressing down on you, his breath against your ear. Something about how close he seemed, almost panting as his hips stuttered in and out of the rhythm he was desperately trying to hold on to. He mouthed at your neck as you tilted your head to accommodate him, reaching a hand down to squeeze his arse cheek. You were sore from every other way he’d fucked you, tired from the two orgasms he’d already wrung from you, and yet the thought of stopping him, of ending the incredible pleasure you felt at his hands, was the furthest thing from your mind. A scream caught in your throat as he seemed to press you even harder into the floor, your legs shaking in the air as he grit his teeth and grunted with each harsh drive into you. And then he came, gasping against your throat as he felt you cum too, finally releasing the scream you’d been holding onto until the noise turned to breaths so ragged they felt like sobs.

Ben kissed your throat and then your jaw as he came back to earth, still laying on you. “How was that?” he asked softly when you’d remained quiet for a while. You drew in a deep breath, “Pum-Pumpkin?” “What?” “You called me fucking Pumpkin of all things, while trying to get me off?” “So?” “Jesus Ben,” you half-heartedly swatted at his side, “you’re lucky I was so close that it didn’t matter otherwise I might have laughed and completely lost the orgasm.”   Ben joined in your laughter, the sensation of his shaking body on top of yours slightly odd but mostly quite comforting. Until he shifted his hips without thinking and made you wince. “Sorry,” he said, pressing his lips to yours again as if to kiss away the discomfort before he gingerly pulled out of you and sat back on his knees, “But you did cum that time, right?” “I think you know I did,” you sighed, already able to see what was coming, as you let your legs drop to the floor. “So wait, how many times exactly?” You sighed and shook your head slightly. “Because if my maths is right, I think we got you to three times. Once on the bench and twice on the floor. One plus two is three, yes?” “Yes that’s how basic addition works Ben,”  “And who was it again that got you to three orgasms? Was it,” he pointed a finger as his one chest, “Moi?” “Alright asshole, you’re very impressive and a somewhat decent shag,” “I think you could be a little more grateful considering that performance. Might have been my best ever moves,” You pushed Ben in the middle of the chest, exaggeratedly rolling your eyes but, truthfully you were inclined to agree that it had been his best performance yet, at least in your experience. “Here let me help you,” he chuckled as you tried to stand, almost falling over as your legs shook. Quickly, Ben pushed himself to his feet and then offered you a hand up too, wrapping an arm around your waist to keep you steady. “Thanks,” “I hope I haven’t made it too hard for you to walk. Wouldn’t want to throw off your bowling cos you were fucked so right.” “Jesus Christ,” you couldn’t help but laugh.

The rest of the time you had before you had to leave was spent tidying up the kitchen, cleaning up the evidence of the mornings activities in case your roommate got home before you, washing up and getting ready to go. Which is really when things started to go downhill. If you’d realised you might have told yourself to stay home, come up with a quick excuse to get out of it and just played video games with Ben for the rest of the day or something. But there was no way to know what was coming so you didn’t. You talked happily as you got into Ben’s car (which was already parked on the street), excited to see your friends and looking forward to the afternoon.

The double date itself was quite fun, although draining. There was always an element of playing pretend at these sorts of occasions. Not that you minded so much. It was either play up the romance of your relationship or have to explain what you were to everyone and a few hours of pretending Ben was your boyfriend was honestly much simpler. At least bowling was better than the cinema. The first time you’d gone on a double date to a movie you’d sat down beside Ben, the popcorn you were sharing balanced on the arm rest between you. Martin and Jill had raised their armrest and were virtually sitting on top of each other, hands entwined. Which would have been fine except Martin had leaned over and said, “you know these things move” and looked expectantly at you. Ben and you had shared a glance and then tried to say you were both fine with the space but they’d given you matching looks that said they thought you were being weird or prudish or judging their willingness to cuddle in public. So you’d relented and shifted the armrest so you could spend the next two hours sitting with Ben’s arm around your shoulders, both of you more tense about the situation than you ever would have been if you’d just been allowed to sit in your seats like normal. Things had improved a bit since then. Ben had told you that one night when you’d gone out to a bar together, Martin had pulled him aside as asked why he never kissed you properly. Ben had shrugged and said he didn’t like PDAs, that he didn’t want photos to spread or anything like that, especially since it was still so new, and Martin had accepted it. They began to see that your ways of being affectionate were quieter, stealing sips from each other’s drinks, a warm hand against a knee, dumb nicknames that made you both laugh. Even if Jill did sometimes still try to convince you that there was nothing wrong with snogging in the middle of a busy street. Nonetheless you never felt fully able to relax when it was just the four of you. Always conscious of how they saw you, always worried that they’d decide you weren’t being affectionate enough and would tell everyone else you were going through a rough patch which would lead to more scrutiny. While at the same time worrying that one of them would start asking how serious it was between you and Ben, were you thinking about the future? Could you see yourselves moving in together? Was he the one? And it took a lot of energy to constantly be alert about what you were saying, always careful to not accidentally give away the secret truth of the situation. Bowling was fun though and less pressure than other double dates you’d been on. You could get away with not holding hands or sitting on Ben’s lap since everyone was standing up frequently and it didn’t make sense to be on top of one another. You could share small pecks on the lips or else tight hugs to celebrate strikes. And Ben made sure to tease you for missed pins, just like he always had, with a few added silly nicknames. He called you his sweet little hotdog after a particularly bad gutter shot which had made you laugh so hard you choked on your drink, and made Jill give him a disapproving glance. He’d smoothed it over by letting her overhear him saying he loved you, whispering the platonically just for you.

By the time Jill had been declared the winner of the game, you were ready to head home and spend a night forwarding Ben weird videos and dumb memes. Ready to be allowed to just exist without needing to be romantically linked to anyone. But it wasn’t quite to be. Martin made the suggestion that all of you should head to McDonalds for dinner and before you knew it you were standing in line, waiting for the kid at the cash register to serve you. You leaned your head on Ben’s shoulder as you stared at the menu, and vaguely wondered how someone working in a fast food joint could be so bright and bubbly. Right up until Ben nudged you and asked what you wanted. “Um, can I get a quarter pounder and a frozen coke, thanks.” “And?” Ben supplied. “And what?” “Y/N I know you want dessert, get dessert.” “And an Oreo McFlurry,” you smiled and bumped Ben’s shoulder with yours as he laughed and finished paying. “You guy’s make a cute couple,” the girl who’d served you said, eyes following the path of Ben’s gaze to you, still smiling. She seemed to realise what she’d said, her ears turning red, but Ben thanked her and added, “I think I have to agree,” as he squeezed your hip, before moving away so Jill and Martin could order. You’d smiled at her too but it wasn’t quite genuine.

It wasn’t that you weren’t used to it, people assuming you and Ben were in fact a couple. You were. One or two weeks after you’d first agreed to try out being queerplatonic partners, most of your friends had put two and two together and worked out that something was going on between you. Of course they didn’t know you were aromantic and they probably didn’t have any idea what a QPR was so they’d really added two and two and got five but you weren’t about to correct them. As you’d said to Ben, it was too much too soon to do that. Maybe if the QPR thing worked out long term, maybe then you could tell them. And besides, they weren’t exactly wrong anyway. They’d originally assumed you and Ben were just hooking up after Martin had dropped in to pick up something he’d left at Ben’s and had seen you spread out on Ben’s couch with sex hair and a rather large hickey on your neck and Ben’s sweater hanging off your shoulder. He’d asked Ben who’d just shrugged in response and said it wasn’t a big deal. You estimated it took about a minute and a half to reach everyone else. The next time you’d gone out as a group you’d felt them all watching you and Ben closely, trying to determine if Martin with bullshitting them all or not. They’d all decided it was just sex though. Until you were clearly still together a month later and they decided it had to be serious since Ben had never successfully fucked a girl for that long without catching feelings. That was when they started referring to you as boyfriend and girlfriend. That was also when the comments about how cute you were or how they’d always known you’d get together had first started. The first few times you’d heard it, it felt weird but you figured that was just because it was you and Ben and you were still working out how to be partners without the romance. You’d been in relationships before though and didn’t have any major objections to anything they said so you found it fairly easy to deal with and mostly you didn’t notice it anymore.

Except now it was bothering you. Something about the girl’s comment had rubbed you the wrong way. Which made you feel bad because she was just a kid with a shitty minimum wage job who didn’t know you from Adam. She had no idea. She was just trying to say something nice to a couple of strangers. You supposed your dislike of the comment probably had something to do with spending all afternoon putting on the romantic act for the benefit of your friends. Maybe even something about the sex from earlier. Probably just exhaustion from everything, a shorter fuse. It could even just be PMS though you’d have to check how far off your next period was to be sure. Whatever the reason it felt…not wrong exactly just off. You stayed quiet during most of the meal, aware you weren’t being great company and aware that Ben had realised something was wrong since he kept glancing at you when the other two weren’t looking. “Y/N,” Jill’s voice cut through your thoughts, “Still with us?” “Yeah,” you said, pulling a smile onto your face, “sorry, just a bit tired. Didn’t sleep well last night,” That statement was met by high pitched oohing noises and Martin jokily reprimanding Ben for keeping you up. You forced yourself to laugh with them, “Not like that you pervs. Ben was filming a night scene yesterday so didn’t actually get to mine until what,” you looked to Ben for confirmation, “One-thirty was it?” “Something like that. I don’t know I fell asleep almost as soon as I put my head down.” “Me, not so much,” you shrugged, “It’s all just catching up with me now.” They accepted that excuse without question and didn’t aim too many more comments in your direction, letting you finish your food without having to keep your mind on their conversation. And pretty soon you were hugging them goodbye and promising you’d organise the next date as Martin told Ben to get you home to bed before you fell asleep in your ice cream.

Ben waited until you were safely back inside your apartment before he asked if you were okay. “We were meant to get milk,” you sighed, trying to push away the annoyingly persistent discomfort. “I’ll go out later and get some. Or we can get Sophie to bring some back when she comes home. Are you okay though?” Unsure if this was a situation where you’d want space, Ben hovered at a respectful distance until you stepped in close and leaned your head against his chest. As soon as he knew you wanted him there he wrapped his arms tightly around you, “What’s wrong?” “Not sure. Think it all just got a bit much.” “How do you mean?” You shrugged as much as his embrace would allow and talked against his chest as you tried your best to explain how flat you felt, “I think the girl who served us was just like the straw that broke the camel’s back, y’know.” “Did me agreeing with her make things worse?” You shook your head, “Don’t think so. I knew you meant it in a different way to her. Besides, the other two were in earshot so there wasn’t much else you could say.” “You know that what everyone else thinks of us doesn’t change anything about what we have, right, or what we mean to each other. It doesn’t change who you are.” You didn’t mean to say it but the words had escaped before you could stop them, “Wouldn’t it be easier if it did though.” “But then you wouldn’t be you and I love you, platonically.” You smiled and nodded as you stepped back a little, though Ben’s arms wouldn’t let you go too far, “I know, thank you. And I’m fine, just having a bit of an off afternoon.” “Are you sure? Is there anything else I can do to help?” “No, you’ve been perfect.” You leaned up to give him a quick kiss, “And I know I’m being stupid about it. I knew what I was signing up for when I decided not to come out to them. Besides, being back home with you has definitely made me feel better already.” “Do you want a cuppa or anything?” “Nah, think I might just go lie down and read for bit. Decompress a little, y’know.” “Okay. Give me a shout if you want anything, yeah,” he pressed a kiss to your temple and give you an extra squeeze before he let you go.

Slowly you headed to your bedroom, kneeling down at your bookshelf and running your fingers along the spines until you found the one you wanted. That particular book had seen better days. It’s spine was cracked, the image on the cover peeling away from the cardboard underneath. More than one page had begun to fray around the edges like an ancient treasure map in a cartoon, with little triangles missing and the corners permanently creased where they’d been dog eared a hundred times. But as you settled into the bed, Ben’s pillow still smelling faintly of his hair pomade, you began to feel more yourself. Ben was right. What other people thought of your relationship didn’t matter. He was still your Ben, the same Ben who’s hoodie had been living in your cupboard for years now because he spent so much time at yours anyway it just made sense to keep a spare there. The same Ben who’d bought you your favourite pair of sunglasses when you’d left your old ones at home by accident. The same Ben who’d gradually been reading his way through your entire bookshelf rather than buying his own paperbacks. You had too much history there and too much love for each other for anyone else’s opinions to matter. And your partnership was good. It made you happy so it had to be good.

The time passed quickly as you read so when you looked up at the sound of approaching footsteps and saw that a couple of hours had passed, you were a little taken aback. Ben poked his head round the corner and then stepped through the doorway when he saw you looked better. “Nice to see you smiling again,” he said softly as he crawled up beside you. Without thinking you lifted your arm so he could snuggle against you, his head on your chest. “What’re you reading?” “First Test by Tamora Pierce. First book in her Protector of the Small series.” “What’s it about?” “A girl training to become a knight. Gran bought it for me as a kid while we were on a holiday at the seaside.” Ben glanced at the worn pages, “Do you reread it a lot?” “Yeah a bit. The main character, Kel, is like the only aromantic character I know of so she’s kinda important to me.” “The main character’s aro?” “I mean, not explicitly. It was published in ’99 and the terminology to describe aro experiences didn’t really start being used until like the late 2000s and even then only in certain communities online. But Tamora Pierce did answer some questions on her website and said that as she was writing the series Kel became less and less interested in romance and sex so even though she didn’t have the words for it back then, she would consider Kel aro and probably ace too. And I mean, rereading them I definitely feel an aro sort of reaction to a lot of the romance stuff, even when Kel does start kissing boys and all that.” Ben leaned back to better see your face, “Will you read to me?” You leaned down to kiss him, unhurriedly, softly, letting your lips linger on his. “Is that a yes?” “That was a sorry I’ve been weird this evening kiss actually.” “Don’t worry about it,” he said simply, snuggling back down, his head once again resting on your chest and his arm thrown over your waist. You adjusted your grip on the book and began to read from where you’d left off, one hand running absentmindedly through his hair, both of you sighing softly as you relaxed into each other.