#i like this show a normal amount. will not touch the fandom with a 10 ft pole tho

[sieglinde-freud]

I would be SAT for your total drama power point (and my godddddd the fucking essay in my head about what the hell was going on with Sierra & Cody)

dude give me a season and a topic and ive got it. maybe not pahkitew island though that one is so bad ive really only watched it once when it came out and maybe like. two episodes since then. but the other ones (all stars was also bad but. alejandro carried for a while until they nerfed him sooo bad ugh) i could do. sierra and cody were INSANE like i get that was the humor at the time (for. some people. lets remember this show was also victim to “writers’ poorly disguised fetish”) but like. swap the genders and the police sirens going off immediately weewooweewooweewoo like i know cody wasnt great to gwen but i think giving him sierra as karma is a BIT much. and not funny bc girl fym u inhaled his shoelace and it came back out your mouth EW. their friendship at the end was nice but undeserved and then she never gave up stalking him (i think? bc in all stars she was still crazy (she also should not have been in all stars but WHATEVER)) so. not even a good resolution. goddamn. “the christians” is still one of the funniest jokes on the show though so she did at least one thing good

[mdhwrites]

So, what do you think would have happened to Amphibia if its third season got shortened down to three hour long specials like Owl House did?

So A: this question is flawed. The shortening wasn't told to TOH's crew post S2. They were told WELL in advance. Dana is on record (source) for having said as much. The news came down on episode 7 of S2. Reasonably, this probably meant not a lot of S2A could have been changed due to deadlines but I don't know how all this works that well. For the sake of this, I'm going to mostly assume that something could have started changing starting episode eight and more drastic changes could be done after the mid season hiatus.

B: TOH needed S2B to mostly look identical to setup for going into the human realm, for having the Day of Unity as the finale and for the Collector to be set up as a villain by then. There are maybe two episodes you could change but nothing that is emblematic of the problems of S2B as a whole. Here's an entire blog about that. Btw, I published that blog before the finale came out and my opinion is mostly that that blog is kinder than it should have been.

C: I am not going to say this is a better version of Amphibia. Some might though. A lot of people think S2B and S3 of Amphibia is loaded with what they see as filler. Even I agree that you could probably cut a fair amount and not lose the core of the show. I'm about to demonstrate that. Also, just inherently because of a faster pace, the show would have to be more about the trio, or feel that way at least (again, I'll get into it), which the majority of the Amphibia fandom argues is what the show should have done anyways. So yeah, it's kind of an interesting conundrum.

D: I'll mostly talk about the weaknesses of this rewrite once I'm done. For anyone who needs a refresher though: S2, Episode 7 of Amphibia, the last one before this change, is one after Marcy at the Gates and has the segments "Scavenger Hunt" and "The Plantars Check In." Oh and before I get to the three specials, I'll mostly just be trying to slot in episode segments because that feels the most fair to actually capture a reasonable timeline for the show. Like I'm not coming up with cheats to handwave issues that this change would cause. As such, I'm not going to do something like cut The First Temple in half just for the sake of claiming more time. Once we get to the specials, that will change because those episodes' structures would have inherently changed, kind of like how The Hardest Thing has a different structure due to its extended run time. Until then though? I'll mostly be trying to effectively Mad Libs this off of what we already have despite the fact that the creators would have, at least if they're responsible, made changes to work within their new time frame. I'm going to give myself one unreasonable shift in return for this handicap effectively of not being able to change the core structure of the show or its plot points.

ANYWAYS. With that out of the way:

For the sake of pacing, you probably do Lost in Newtopia and then the Sleepover to End All Sleepovers as episode 8 because we can't literally go straight into leaving Newtopia and one could argue that the sleepover is important foreshadowing. However, the next episode is then a double whammy of A Day at the Aquarium to say farewell to Newtopia and still have that touching confirmation of the found family before then skipping Night Drivers and going straight to Return to Wartwood for the second segment, bringing us up to nine.

Then I would actually move Toad to Redemption into the first slot for episode ten because it is thematically important and a good rallying moment for Wartwood. You could also replace with Ivy on the Run for the sake of Sprivy and just make episode 13 into episode 10 by making After the Rain be the mid season finale. It's dramatic enough to do so and lets:

The First Temple opens S2B and episode 15 of the normal show, New Wartwood and Friend or Frobo stays too in order to help setup Wartwood's relationship with humans besides Anne and to get Frobo in. That brings the count to 12.

Then you do episode 17 as episode 13, Barrel's Warhammer and The Second Temple, because we do still need a bit more time with Sasha to prep for True Colors and The Second Temple is obvious. However, I'd probably swap their positions because then episode 14 is The Third Temple (so you don't have two temples literally back to back, even if the two are different episodes like in the actual show) and The Dinner... With Battle of the Bands being cut. It's Sasha's weakest episode, is just kind of reinforcement of a few elements and some expansion on the three's relationship, though mostly Anne and Sasha. The Dinner is needed though to get Sasha with the other two and heading to Newtopia because...

There is a quarter season finale now with True Colors. It is ABSOLUTELY the most radical choice in this rewrite and you could arguably say that it's not fair because Disney wouldn't have allowed them to have that episode as anything but a season finale. This is the only 'cheat' I'll give myself since I'm not altering episodes drastically or the like to fit in with the new time frame. Plus side: They'd have the compelling pitch that in five episodes, they CAN get back to Amphibia to make that the season finale. Otherwise there isn't really much to change before S3 because so much has to wait on the major turn of Andrias becoming the main villain. That version of this outline though, that S2 doesn't change at ALL, is... A genuine nightmare on a lot of fronts and honestly less reasonable than thinking this would be allowed and I'll get to why after the outline. Oh, there is one change that needs to happen unfortunately: Frobo probably doesn't make it in this version after this. Polly and him unfortunately just aren't important enough to really get the wrap up they do in S3. It does mean that mechanic Polly during the ending probably has an RC robo or the like with her to help explain where her being a mechanic came from.

Anywhos: Episode 16 is The New Normal... Mixed with Anne-sterminator. Anne is honest about the danger they're in from go and instead of the quarantine montage, we get her actually beating the Cloak Bot first try to show how far she's come to her parents and to show off the new powers alongside their cost.

Then you do Fight at the Museum followed by Turning Point for episode 17 to start the ball rolling on getting back as well as get Sasha into place and finish up her arc.

Episode 18 has Temple Frogs because the Plantars DO need to still connect with Earth and Temple Frogs is EASILY the best episode of that as it explores how different Anne is from the start of the show and how that isn't entirely a good thing because of the things she's now ignoring, fits thematically with the show as a whole and is just a lot of fun. The other side meanwhile is Olivia and Yunan. I would almost not advocate for keeping this episode for a lot of reasons but it's kind of necessary in order to set up for:

The Core and the King is in episode 19 because Andrias' backstory is REALLY important to how he is beat and to also understand what the Core is and what the kingdom of Amphibia can do. What the stakes are to all of this. It is also the one segment in the actual show itself that explores the villain so you can't really cut it. The other half of the episode though is If You Give a Frog a Cookie because we need Terry.

Especially because you might have noticed that I didn't include Mr. X. There just isn't room for them for the most part which luckily... Is okay. He's fun but his parts can be mostly replaced either with faceless people or Terry. You can also just go with his first appearance actually being him taking the Plantars in this episode. Maybe there's been foreshadowing at the end of Earth segments of someone watching. Something that only takes a few seconds but builds up to honestly having Escape to Amphibia be mostly the same as it was but with a reduced cast and less familiarity with Mr. X as a villain.

So that covers S2. Now there are 3 45 minute specials on average to cover all of S3B. Or more so there's two specials to cover the seven episodes between Escape to Amphibia and The Hardest Thing because Amphibia's finale already had an extended time slot. As 45 minutes is effectively two episodes each, you need to save on three episodes. Six segments.

That's... easier said than done because the segments are actually incredibly important to Amphibia's storytelling and these specials could technically be split into four segments each but more likely they actually have to tell a through line story per special. You can't jump AS MUCH as you could before.

So Special 1 starts with effectively Commander. The reintroduction to Wartwood and the finalizing of Sasha's new self after her character arc is not something you can really leave out. Plus side is that Commander Anne is a really efficient eleven minutes to introduce what Amphibia is like now and you probably don't do the pampered brat routine with the Plantars which is not a real loss. The theme of this special though is allies so the target of Sasha's mission when Anne gets back changes.

The goal is now to free Mother Olm. This way you can skip the Olms themselves and still get the prophecy and foresight from Mother Olm that sets up the finale. It also allows a smooth transition into meeting with Mother Olm in general. She warns them they'll need allies once they're done and we get a montage of the a lot of what people consider filler in S3 with getting allies, though mostly the Toads, Newts and the Killerpillars probably. You could also do this with people splitting up so that each one gets a truncated version of the full segment to get them. Then the final portion of the special is Sasha and Anne hoping their efforts paid off before Sprig shows Lief's hidden room to get Lief's letter.

Then Special 2 is effectively episodes 16 and 17 of S3. Just consolidating the army, heading out, then protecting Earth after midway through the special everything goes wrong. Not really anything even has to be changed here really except just smoothing out the transitions between segments. Admittedly, the Plantars probably rely more on Domino 2 to replace the loss of Frobo and unfortunately Polly just doesn't have a lot to do in All In.

Then Special 3 is literally just The Hardest Thing. Pretty much no changes I think because the elements for it have still been covered.

And that's it. It's not by any means perfect of course. Elements are rushed and some elements probably feel neglected or abandoned entirely. I already mentioned Polly but this version also means Sprivy is ignored post S1 effectively and just has a nice come back at the end of the finale (which is a good argument for Ivy on the Run over Toad of Redemption for the filler segment in episode 10 of the rewrite). Worse yet... Sprig is kind of ignored and Anne and his friendship is mostly left fallow. I admittedly don't think the show does the best job keeping it burning post S1 but S1 sells it HARD already as part of the stable base of the show so it's not a big problem. It also harms the connection to Amphibia itself so a line like "They aren't Amphibia's greatest treasure" doesn't hit as hard.

It would almost certainly feel actually rushed... Which is a fuckton better than what happened with TOH because TOH doesn't feel rushed. Its three specials are incredibly bloated with plotlines THEY introduce, or S2B introduced, that go nowhere. Or hell, resolutions that mean nothing, like how Luz finishes her character arc THREE. FUCKING. TIMES. Even people who love TOH still will admit the majority of For the Future is filler. That it does nothing to actually move anything forward, wrap much of anything up that couldn't have been left alone (besides Stringbean but that moment is cut off at the knees immediately by the finale's dream sequence) and those are people who won't bring up how Willow had her power problems resolved literally two seasons ago. S3 is so bankrupt on what to do to fill the time that they bring it back anyways, alongside Kikimora who has NO REASON to still be a villain we're dealing with.

That is the HUGE difference here. TOH doesn't actually feel like we're missing out on anything with its S3 besides fluff and maybe a bit of exploration on the whole Grimmwalker thing. The specials just don't feel like they actually know what to do in the first place though. It makes it feel like we're mostly missing out on filler but there's already so much of that in these episodes. Even the elements that could have been expanded, like Belos backstory, the human realm shenanigans and the Collector's redemption are rough because none of these are from before the shortening. Only Hunter's arc is really something stared BEFORE THE SHORTENING. Belos' backstory and the contradictory nature of The Collector, like how he absolutely knows what death is during Hollow Mind and is a complete evil fucker there... Are written in S2B. They were included and written as part of the shortening. Hell, the human realm and the Collector as a whole weren't even planned for S3 supposedly. They were things they wanted to do but didn't have a place for them and so just jammed in these MASSIVE new elements that needed more time than was available with no care for the fact that they had NO TIME. (I don't have a source for this unfortunately.)

Admit you didn't have a plan for your show without admitting you didn't have a plan.

That also brings up an element that I brought up at the top: How much the story might have actually changed. I'm having to work off of the main outline provided by the show but it's entirely possible that The Core might not have been included. That Earth might not have. Changes would have happened to the overall story and it's kind of impossible to reasonably guess how. After all, I wouldn't have guessed that an all powerful child and a trip to the human realm would have been responses to a shortening for The Owl House.

So I did my best and I still stand by that this would still be a fine to good version of the show. That it wouldn't have been impossible to tell a full narrative with the time given. One that is still thematically coherent, has a strong finale that doesn't contradict itself and still has plenty of fun in it to counterbalance the higher focus on the more dramatic elements.

That's still a LOT better than can be said for TOH's finale, let alone its three specials.

======+++++======

I ended up just rewriting the outline as a way to give it more thought instead of copy and pasting the first one I wrote. *whimpers*

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[snarky-wallflower]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

@amethystunarmed tagged me for this!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I've currently got 25 works on there.

2. What’s your total word count?

161, 391! which...wow, that number hits me every time I look at it. I can’t believe I’ve written a whole novel’s length of fanfic this year.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly Hatchetfield and Deltarune, but especially Hatchetfield. The silly little horror-comedy musicals (especially the LiB and Paul) have grabbed me and won’t let go. To the detriment of my WIPs in other fandoms. Oh, and I’ve also written a decent amount of fic for Spiderverse and Dracula! (Our good friend Jonathan Harker, after all.)

4. Top 5 fics by kudos

pas de masque - a pre-canon Spiderverse fic focusing on Gwen's terrible experiences in the Spider-Society, and just what it's like to learn you're doomed in every other universe, and that no one will let you stop it.

The Show Must Go On - a fun little theatre AU for Deltarune, where Susie's been arrested, and the only way for her to not be arrested is to join a club. She chooses theatre, which Noelle is coincidentally the director of. Romance, friendship, and theatre chaos ensues. (also, I LOVE writing Kris in this fic.) It's the fic I've been working on the longest.

what is a god? - my exploration of the Lords in Black, and how they think and treat Hatchetfield and their puppets, written at 12 am after finishing Nerdy Prudes Must Die. Despite that, I’m still pretty proud of it!

used to think about you (everywhere i go) - a post-canon Nimona (movie-verse) fic, in which Nimona gets to work out her complex feelings about Gloreth by standing at her grave. Sometimes therapy is yelling at your ex-bestie's grave, more at 11.

one hell of a normal abnormality - a fic where I wrote Pete actually seeming to care that Ruth and Richie weren't there at Homecoming, with a decent exploration of grief and feeling guilty. Also, I think I was the first one to use the green-hair-after-being-touched-by-Wiggly headcanon.

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes, of course! I love comments - you read my whole chapter/fic, and you liked it enough to post your reaction! Amazing, I love you, I would literally die for some commentors.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh, this is hard. Most of the fic I write is angst, so tough to pick. I'd say the real competition is between life underground (it's over now) and always be my favourite ghost. But if I had to choose, it would be the first one, because that ends with Chara literally ripping up their adoption certificate, and thinking they’ll never be a part of the Dreemurr family. And we all know what happens next. :(

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh, this one’s pretty easy. like real people do. It’s a short, canon divergent one shot I wrote for a podcast, Monstrous Agonies that I was super into - even submitted a couple of letters to the podcast I was pretty proud of. It ends with the characters sort-of rekindling their relationship, after accidentally broadcasting them kissing through the radio. It actually managed to predict a decent amount of the actual finale, too!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully, I haven't gotten any yet. Hoping that that streak continues.

9. Do you write smut?

Ha! No. And it's probably not going to happen for a long time, if ever. I'm apparently a bit of a nerdy prude myself. I have written at least one fic that's only plot was two characters kissing, though.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I haven’t yet! Maybe someday.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Also, no. Benefits of being a smaller fic writer, I guess.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! But if that ever happens to me, I'm gonna scream

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet! I was thinking of co-writing a Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes fic with a friend in real life, though. It was a really good movie, but I haven't made a lot of progress on it.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

You know, I'm really not sure? I mostly read gen fic, but for shipping? I'd have to say probably Noelle/Susie, or Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins? It really depends on the day - I'll read a lot of ships.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

None so far! My WIPs currently are probably going to take a long time, but I plan to finish all of them. Outlines may be bad, but I am determined!

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm really good at internal monologues. And along with that, characterization! I get a lot of really sweet comments about it, and I do like writing character-focused pieces! Which is kind of ironic, given that worrying about writing characters wrong was a pretty big reason I didn’t start writing again until this year.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Dialogue. Oh my god, every time I try to write snappy dialogue, I have new appreciation for comedians and dialogue-heavy writers. Those people are so talented. Sometimes I act out dialogue I’ve written and I want to throw myself into the sun.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

Look. I took French for five years. But every time I try to speak French, one of my best friends looks like she wants to fight me. I am not great at languages other than English. I am positive that if I tried to write dialogue by myself, I would just resort to DeepL, or Google Translate, and nobody wants that. If I have to write in another language, I'm going to try and get a translator.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Are we counting works posted to ao3, or first fic ever? Because the first fic I ever posted to ao3 was for a podcast, Spirit Box Radio, that I should really relisten to at some point. But my first fandom I ever wrote for was Gravity Falls - the fic's still posted to Quotev, and I have reread it recently. It was a next-generation fic.

...At least younger me was having fun?

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

How dare you ask me to pick? But seriously, probably pas de masque. I know it's cliche to say my most kudos'd fic, but I am super proud of my characterization of Gwen there, and getting to play with pre-canon Spider-Society and what it's like for someone to know they're doomed by the narrative in every other universe.

Okay, who do I know? @acaciapines, @nonbinarycollector, @sherbetflowers, @littlesilentrebel, @am-i-lie, @lilacthebooklover, @noelle-holi-gay, @marvelmaniac715! Please don't feel pressured to respond if you don't want to!

[hawkeyebj]

no okay i will let myself talk about top gun for a second. as a treat. keep going if u don't want my deranged thoughts. this actually turned into 10% top gun and 90% a strange horrifying glimpse into my psyche.

this has been eating me alive since [checks letterboxd account] april 29th. you know when you watch something and even partway through it you're like. 'oh. oh no am i like. gonna latch on to this?' and you're right. the silly little movie or tv show or what have you is :) not just a silly little movie anymore. it takes a hold of your braaaaiiiiinnnnnn. and its fun to get obsessed w/ something again, but also. sometimes it is something you are embarrassed about so you're like. are u serious. this? anyway this is me w/ top gun 1986. it is me with maverick in particular. also with icemav. however seeking out fan content to fuel this has been difficult sometimes bc every time i come across something that is like "uwu tom cruise <333" my first reaction is to recoil bc actually tom cruise, if anything, scares me lmao. he is not baby to me in any way. but that motherfucking gay ass stupid pilot he plays? baby. baby boy. my fucking poor little meow meow of the month. and i HATE myself for it. but i cannot shake it. i have kept this to myself for a month, and i actively tried to like not lean into it but i have failed miserably. got me bookmarking icemav fics on ao3. giggling and kicking my feet watching silly little edits. writing fic ideas that will likely never see the light of day. pilot boys i looooooove you and i hate it. and i mean obviously. top gun is a v popular movie. not weird to like it. what is weird is the things going on in my head about it. i wish i was exaggerating about the stupid amount of grief this has caused me. i will be alone in my own room and start berating myself out of embarrassment and like. it's not that serious babe. but also i would die before admitting this publicly. and it's not even that it's particularly niche or that i'm alone bc i can see that there actually is an active fandom. but i am just so like. judgemental but only to myself about anything and everything and it includes the things i like. i can do nothing without beating myself up about it first and it is exhausting.

anyway can you believe i knew next to nothing about top gun other than that it was some movie that a lot of people have seen/liked up until this year? blissfully unaware. it's funny (and agonizing) to me when i get an interest like this that i'm so embarrassed about. like it doesn't happen super often but it's like. yes i'm thinking about this all the time. no i will never talk about it. last time this happened to me i had one (1) freak who was on the same wavelength as me and we co-wrote over 500k worth of fic that we shared with no one and wrote purely for our own amusement. it was the best time of my life. i need another freak like that and i will never find one. not to turn this shameful rambling into something sappy but we lost touch after that and i miss the fuck out of her. [redacted] if you are somewhere out there you are so important to me and i'll never experience that again i am sure. no one else is ever going to have the same niche interest with the same niche [redacted] kink and write for it fervently together with me for over a year again. that will not happen so thank you for being special. i will always be chasing that level of narrative connection.

if you miraculously read this and thought i was even somewhat normal beforehand. sorry. it gets worse

[midnight-pluto]

MY MODEL: PG.10 — i never fuck up

MY MODEL: jing yuan x gn!reader

SYNOPSIS: seems like the Xianzhou has hired a freelance photographer to help with their new magazine. however, this model seems to have fallen head over heels for a certain photographer — what exactly is their story?

my model master list || prev. || next

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 2023 — 1:09 PM

NORMALLY, JING YUAN would feel no guilt for showing up late to a meeting, especially if it was under ten minutes. But this time he was close to cursing himself and other people out for being late to his date.

It was a miracle he was under ten minutes late in his eyes, he would never want to make you wait.

Parking his car nearby the place you had requested to meet him, he steps out onto the gravel. Reaching out to the passenger seat for the basket you had requested of him, making sure to lock his car before walking over to where you were standing.

Leaning against a bollard, you looked up from your phone at him with a smile, "Hey."

Oh how badly he wanted the roles to be reversed in that moment. For you to be the model and for him to be the photographer. The way the sun illuminated your face and glinted off the camera around your neck was one he would've given anything to remember for a life time ahead.

“Hey,” he returned with the same smile, wondering if he had the same effect on you as you did on him; rendered to nothing but pure adoration.

"You got a basket?" you tilt your head, swinging your own woven basket in your hand.

He nodded.

Signaling for him to follow you, he trails behind you on a dirt path now wishing he had worn slightly less expensive shoes to your date. You had noticed his slow steps behind you and paused your own for him to catch up, only for you to grab his hand once he had caught up; leading him to the chosen destination.

He hadn't flinched at the contact of your hand hold his, but on the inside he was shamelessly swooning. To busy being distracted at your initiative to hold his hand, he didn't bother to notice the change of scenery around him.

Turning towards him, you see his attention fully on your hand grasping his making you sigh. "Jing yuan, we're here."

Looking up, his eyes widen in awe at the sight of a field of daisies before him.

Noticing how his eyes sparkled and mouth gawked at the amount of flowers you question him, "Have you never taken a photoshoot in field of flowers before?"

Shaking his head, he notices your visible confusion at his answer.

"Well, do you want to?"

"What do you mean?"

"Have a photoshoot in a flower field," you offered, "I specifically suggested this place because the daisies reminded me of you."

Jing yuan smiled to himself at your words, glad to have at least taken up some space in your mind. "It's a kind offer, but I'd rather have this date be about us rather than work."

Nodding in understanding, you begin to carefully step into the field as to not squash any of the flowers under your feet.

"C'mon! We don't have all day now Jing yuan!"

EDITORS NOTES: i need to get better at writing longer fics; im losing my touch 😔

TAGLIST: @zyphyrr @ohmyfinggod @not-creativequill @klemen-time @nekobluecute @theautisticduck @aixaingela @kokoki @imma-too-many-fandoms @ceylestia @lunavixia @queencybow @arraxthatsonjah @kiiyoooo @immahuman @ksnu @mikarasuge @kamikokii @rain-and-a-nice-nap @havingnonamesucks @forsh4dow @boomie-123 @ukiyo-ikigai @acheronie @whatamoodhoney @xiaossocksniffer @sxftiebee @poemzcheng [ if you want to be added, send me an ask or feel free to comment! ]

[cloud-9ine]

Roses are pretty cliché, don’t you think? (pt 2)

⤷ pairing - bakugo katsuki x (fem) reader

⤷ fandom - bnha

⤷ warnings - swearing, very slight angst

⤷ summary - bakugo was already out of his element when he went to buy flowers; so he didn’t take kindly to you criticising his preference for roses

⤷ word count - 2.5k +

⤷ pt 1, pt 2

“I’m sorry.”

Her side of the bed was cold when Bakugo woke up. The sheets were neatly tucked in, and the pillow fluffed up as if she had never in slept in it at all. He could only stare at the empty space for a long moment before forcing himself to move and get out of bed. A vase sat on the windowsill, curtains already opened. The tulips had begun to droop, and the carnation petals- previously a stark white- had begun to turn black.

Bakugo’s eyebrows furrowed. He had only given them to Ochako a couple of days prior, certainly not enough time for them to be in such a state already. With a weary frown, he stripped off the sheets, inspecting them a bit more closely. Alas, he knew nothing about flowers, and couldn’t ascertain whether this was normal or not.

Not wanting to expend more energy on tulips and carnations, he stepped out the bedroom, quickly locking on the smell of freshly roasted coffee. Ochako was stood by the pot, seemingly motionless. There was a faraway look in her eyes, as if she was still half asleep, despite the fact it was obvious she had been awake for much longer. Bakugo froze himself upon the sight of her, itching to reach out yet realising that it wouldn’t help.

With a shallow gulp, he took a cautious step forward, gaze tracing her face for any indication she had heard him. If she had, she was doing an excellent job in hiding it. Another step. This time, Ochako flinched, eyes darting towards him. Bakugo could feel his pulse skyrocket as her lips parted before closing again, her eyelashes fluttering.

Ochako was not one to be quelled with tulips and carnations.

Her eyes were dark, lips pursed as she swept past him, coffee left on the counter. Bakugo didn’t need to turn around to know that she had left. With a heaving sigh, he ran a hand over his weary features, fixing himself a cup of coffee which he sipped, more to occupy himself with something rather than a genuine desire for the drink.

Denki’s party was today. Ironically, it was the anniversary of his and Kyoka’s marriage, which only served to form a pit in Bakugo’s stomach. Idly tapping the ceramic, he silently pondered if it was too late to cancel. He cringed, rationalising his thoughts. Denki was one of his closest friends, having stuck with him through him being an asshole for most of his youth, and he wasn’t planning on forsaking that relationship now.

Now, leant back against the cream walls in the corner of Denki’s living room, observing the carnage that was occurring he beginning to he almost wished he had. The bright blue lights and loud music was doing nothing for his headache, but he wasn’t about to leave before anything had really started.

Although they had arrived together, Ochako had left his side the moment they walked through the doors. He hadn’t seen her since, with exception of a few glimpses of her chatting with Asui and Momo in another room. He contemplated trying to talk, but it wasn’t the time nor place to start a confrontation.

Every once in a while Denki would appear- already hammered- thank him each time for showing up (which begged the question as to whether he was just that drunk, or if Bakugo was so unreliable that just seeing that he had stayed for more than 10 minutes was enough of a shocker) and hand him a drink. He had gotten about three beers this way, without even having to move from his corner.

Kirishima, Midoriya, and a few others had attempted to talk to him, but none of them had been particularly successful to withstand him relentlessly brushing them off after every sentence. After a while, they stopped trying.

Bakugo wasn’t going to act as if he wasn’t at least a little self-destructive.

He knew pushing away his friends, self-containing his pity into his own isolation was the perfect recipe to spiral, but he couldn’t seem to care. His mind would go blank on occasion, like now. He couldn’t move his eyes, staring at a singular point in the room. Bakugo wasn’t much of a drinker, but he couldn’t blame this on the alcohol.

The noise around his dissolved into a low static, ringing around in his head like firecrackers. Colours became bleak, and the faces of his friends blurred, the lines between them and the background becoming worryingly hard to differentiate.

For a moment, he thought he was dying.

“Fancy seeing you again,” The colours regained vibrancy and the faces snapped back into focus, the static fading away in favour of your voice, “you come here often?” You were teasing, he knew it, but he still couldn’t formulate a response. There was a beat of silence after your words, Bakugo’s eyes tracing your face as if he wasn’t quite sure you were real or not.

“Should’ve known you’d appear,” he settled on after a minute. He bit back a groan at his brash greeting, but it didn’t seem like you cared.

“Yep. There’s no reason I wouldn’t, after all,” You looked down at your nails, picking at your nail polish before glancing back up at the blonde, “beer? Really?” Bakugo frowned, looking down at his drink and swirling it around in his cup.

“Yeah? So what?” You hummed, taking a sip from your own beverage. It was an electric blue colour, glowing surreally in the low pink light Kyoka had settled on a couple of minutes earlier.

“It’s just a little cliché, isn’t it?” You grinned smugly at his groan, covering your mouth with the glass.

“Do you ever get tired of that bit?” He questioned, glare thinly veiled under a mocking questioning look. You shook your head.

“Not really. Do you ever get tired of being a basic bitch?” Despite everything, Bakugo chuckled, his chest lightening.

“I suppose. What would you suggest, then?” He took the bait, crooked smile gracing his lips as your eyes sparkled.

“Follow me.” With little reluctance, he trailed after you as you darted around the others that were in attendance, once in a while stopping to greet someone or another, before glancing behind to check he was still following and continuing on. He was a little shocked at the amount of people you knew, but figured as a close friend of Denki’s you would probably be accustomed to them by extension.

Out of the corner, Bakugo felt weirdly exposed. Logically, he knew that no-one was looking at him- or at least, for no longer than a passing glance sent in his direction, but his mind was playing tricks on him. There was a large population of the party that he didn’t recognise- heroes that Denki had met and befriended throughout their years in the field. It was unnerving to be in a house with who were essentially just strangers with the exception of about 10 or 20.

He knew had hadn’t exactly made the effort to keep contact with the new people he met during his time as a hero, so it wasn’t a surprise the only people he could really call friends were the ones who he had met during school, but god did this make it so obvious. Hell, even you knew more people here than he did.

Bakugo wasn’t sure at what point he became so lonely, when did he start isolating himself in this way? He glanced around. The fuzziness was beginning to blur the sides of their faces again.

“Hurry up, the night is young, but I’m not gonna be at the rate you’re going!” You yelled over the music, and Bakugo was brought back to the present. Right, he was following you. You were going to get him a great drink, and hopefully it would be strong enough for him to forget himself for at least a few hours.

In all honesty, your voice was a good anchor. He picked up on the fact this was the most animated he had heard you talk, and maybe it should have been some sort of warning that it came with the topic of becoming intoxicated, but Bakugo decided to gloss over it.

“So? What’s the drink of yours?” Bakugo asked once the two of you had arrived at the home bar he distinctly remembered helping Kyoka install for Denki’s birthday a few years back. The lights had faded to blue at this end of the room, the coolness easing the throb in his head only slightly. You slipped around the back of the counter, appearing at the other side with an easy grin on your face. For a startling second, Bakugo was brought back to you in your store, the air of professionalism you held in your disposition hard to ignore.

“Give me a minute.” You called over your shoulder, back facing him as you rummaged around in Denki’s alcohol cupboards. You re-emerged with several bottles in hand, drinks he hadn’t even heard of. With the trained practice of someone of skill, you mixed the drinks together, and Bakugo could only watch your hands move, colours swirling in a mix of pinks, greens, yellows and reds.

Mixing drinks. Add that to the list of things you could do that he couldn’t.

Tapping salt around the rim and sliding a lime slice onto the side for a finishing touch, you pushed the drink before him, the same self-satisfied smirk on your face. He squinted at your creation. It was a starling pink, almost unnaturally so, with a weird gleam of sparkles flowing around the liquid. He glanced up towards you in distrust, down at the drink, then once more at you. You merely levelled him with a composed stare, eyebrows raised expectantly. With an unconcerned shrug, and a sudden indifference to his own bodily autonomy, Bakugo knocked back the drink, taking a few large gulps before setting it back on the counter.

It didn’t burn as it ran down his throat as he expected (and half-wished for, to take the edge off). Rather, it had a bursting sweet flavour, spreading out a warmth in his chest the moment he swallowed. The buzz was immediate, dulling his senses and causing a pink haze the cover his vision.

“So?” You asked, seemingly satisfied as you watched him scan the room with an awe that he couldn’t hide.

“It’s… not like a beer.” You laughed, and Bakugo turned to look at you. Your face, clear as day to see, was silhouetted with purple, the lights mingling to soften your features with an unexpected gentleness.

“That’s sort of the whole point.” The two of you took a sip. He could feel a flush growing on his cheeks, the alcohol beginning to kick in much earlier than he would have liked. The numbness that was beginning to take over wasn’t a particularly unwelcome feeling, however, and Bakugo was for once grateful for his light-weightiness.

“How’s your lady-friend?” You were leaning on the counter, fixing Bakugo with an even stare. He sighed, sobering up slightly at the thought of Ochako.

“Not good. Those flowers I got from you barely survived two days, by the way,” he grumbled, the slight growl in his voice making you purse your lips.

“That’s not good.” You mumbled, taking another sip from your drink. Seeing you, Bakugo did the same, taking a few large gulps that made his thoughts hazy before slamming the glass back down. Wordlessly, you began fixing him a drink, deep in thought.

“Yeah, I know it’s not good! What kinda flowers die in two days?” He barked, cheeks going slightly pink. You shook your head, gesturing to something across the room that Bakugo had to squint to realise what it was.

Irises and magnolias.

Kyoka’s bouquet. One you had made in advance, older than his by at least half a week. It was perfectly alive, purples and yellows glowing almost brighter than the first time he had seen them.

“Hah?” He gaped. You shook your head again, displeasure written on your face.

“There’s a reason my shop is so popular, you know,” you spoke, drawing his attention back to you. Another pink, untouched drink lay in front of him, and he took a nervous swig of it. The taste wasn’t nearly as sweet the first time, but he just pinned that down to having an idea of the taste.

“Why?” He responded, feeling something more serious weigh on his mind.

“It’s my quirk. Anything I cultivate- like flowers- adapts to its environment.” He tilted his head, and you sighed, evident that he wasn’t getting it.

“It takes in the atmosphere. For example, you bring a bouquet of flowers home to a house of love, affection, and- above all- happiness, it will reflect that. Never dying. Looking even better than when you got it. On the other hand, if you bring flowers home to a house of regret, hate and sadness…” you bit your lip, looking away from the stricken expression on Bakugo’s face. His breath hitched in his throat.

“Don’t say it.” He gulped, “Please.” With a sad sigh, you crossed your arms.

“They’ll die.”

Bakugo’s drink suddenly tasted very sour.

“I gotta go.” He mumbled, patting down his jacket for his keys. The barstool screeched against the ground as he stood up, protesting against the sudden movement. You sighed; bringing his drink back into the mixer and combining it with yours before pouring it back out. He almost stopped to admire the purple shine.

“Where are you gonna go?” You asked, voice veiled by a monotone that he recognised as some sort of weird disillusionment you used to hide whatever you were feeling.

“Anywhere.” He growled, rifling through the pockets of his pants. You rolled your eyes.

“Ochako has your keys.” He did stop this time, shoulders slumping down in realisation. You frowned, “I saw her with them earlier, if it helps any.” There was a momentary silence, and despite the music, all Bakugo could hear was a ringing in his ears.

“Sit down.” It should’ve been a question, but your tone suggested anything but. With a sullen resignation, Bakugo did as you said, slipping back into his chair. You pushed the glass towards him, offering the purple concoction with a look of pity in your eyes.

Without a question, Bakugo gulped the drink. It was a weird mix of a coolness that washed down his throat and a fiery heat that bloomed in his chest, a burn in his lungs that he recognised from breathing in air far too cold. He didn’t bother to ask you what it did, but he could feel his muscles relaxing, grip around the glass loosening.

“Thanks.” He muttered. You waved a hand, moving back out from behind the counter and patting him on the shoulder.

“No problem. Let me make you feel better for a while. It’s the least I can do.”

Under the purple lights, he could only nod.

[johns-prince]

John also had a lovely mix of masculine and feminine physical traits, though this wouldn't become obvious until 1968. When he was on the skinny side (which I loved, sue me) you could tell how beautifully delicate and dainty his bone structure was, way more than Paul's imo. He had those gorgeous long legs and graceful narrow hips that you most commonly find in fashion models. And I love that until at least 1975, he showcased his body beautifully, especially those legs.

Ironically I feel as if people didn't embrace John's femme beauty as well as they did with Paul. I don't know why. Most people seem to prefer him with the more masculine look of 1966. Which was great as well, he was gorgeous but I am a big fan of the 1968 to 1974 run. Btw, note to fanfic writers: please, show John's body some love, I know Paul is stunning but it's kind of exhausting reading 10 pages about how pretty he is and when it comes to my boy John he barely gets a paragraph 😂

Alright, I feel like I’m probably gonna rub a lot of people in this fandom the wrong way with what I’m going to say but this is my blog and you did send this to my inbox so here we go; At the end of the days these are my thoughts and feelings and I might not articulate them very well or I often ramble till I do!

I have my issues, and a complicated relationship with 1968-70s John Lennon. I love John, and thought him healthy and just right in his body type, basically up until 1968, and it’s spotty onward throughout the 70s. To me, John was naturally masculine looking, there’s not exactly an era or year that I could give you like you gave me [Specifically 1966? What about his teddy boy days? All of the early 60s? Hell even throughout the 70s, to me John still was masculine looking to me] He was a bit awkward in his teenhood, but all the boys were, and gradually grew into his adult body. Boy was built and sturdy, naturally thick and strong. 

So we’re probably split on this, because while you see the positives in 1968-1974/70s John, I only really see the negatives. You say skinny, I say malnourished and/or sickly. Depressed druggie who was pushing everyone and everything he loved away, and becoming pathetically dependent on an individual like Yoko [and the other vultures during that time who were terrible influences] 

George was skinny, John was not well and either starving himself or simply using drugs and alcohol as the basis for his diet. And diets.. don’t even get me started on that, the diets he was on, the unhealthy lifestyle that his wife only seemed to enable and help him get on. 

When I look at George, sometimes I get the need to feed him, like an old Mexican mother. When I look at John, who’d lost an unhealthy amount of weight for what it looked like for his body type, I don’t see delicate and dainty bone structure. I see a man who just, he’s not well, something’s wrong.

I’ll give it to you that 1974 New York photoshoot looked very nice, he had muscle again in his arms, though he was still relatively skinny, he didn’t look sickly, or depressed. So I can give you that period during the 70s, I will give you that [hey he was away from Yoko during this no fucking wonder he looked pretty good here] and that shoot was definitely a model moment, wasn’t it? [Not like he didn’t have many of those moments throughout his life] 

So there moments in the seventies where I think John doesn’t look half bad? Even relatively fine? Certainly, I’m devastatingly attracted to this man, dear God almighty have mercy on my soul yes I am. So I’ll agree that yeah, there were periods during the 70s in which John seemed to hold himself fairly well, I’d still climb it.

But I’m at least willing to admit that when John started his spiraling, in 1968, that he was Not Okay. And I personally believe he wasn’t all that okay throughout most of the 70s too... Maybe my issue isn’t with him being ‘skinny’ as it is I don’t like the underweight/severely underweight look on John, I just don’t. The incredibly unhealthy way he went about losing weight... Physically frail doesn’t fit him, and it only upsets me whenever I see photos of him that show how thin his legs became or how you can see his ribs, just how wasted away he’d look at times throughout the 70s, up until the last days of his life. 

You want a “skinny” or ''skinnier'' John Lennon? A healthy, ‘’skinny/skinnier’’ John Lennon for his body type, is ‘66 and ‘67 in my eyes, and even then it wasn’t a radical change in weight loss; John still looked like John.

And speaking of 1968-1969, or the White Album era; don’t think it isn’t lost on me when I see people making light of John’s unhygienic appearance during the making of the White Album. Boy was depressed and hurting for whatever reason, again, spiraling, and getting lost in Yoko and heroin as a means of escapism and someone to tell him ‘it’s alright it isn’t your fault it’s everyone else’s fault’. Of course he didn’t care much for his personal appearance or hygiene... I will say I appreciate your appreciation for him during that period, instead of getting the whole ‘stinky/smelly rat man.’ Maybe I’m too much of a ‘’stan’’ but I don’t find it very amusing or endearing. 

Don’t find me mocking or ‘’teasing’’ Paul’s depressed ass and his appearance during the breakup period/white album era-- but I suppose it’s because Paul actually tried and wasn’t on hard drugs, and had a good wife, so he was able to wear his depression and struggle with alcoholism a bit better, hmm? I don’t like Paul’s beard simply because I know it was the result of his lack of energy, depression, and falling into the drink-- he simply didn’t feel the need nor had the energy to care for himself, so that’s why he let it grow out. I don’t like it because of that, but that’s as much as you’ll get from me. 

Anyway... Maybe I just don’t see John as characteristically feminine/effeminate as Paul, although he has his moments of acting and wearing clothes that are campy and elegant or give off a softer appearance, specifically around 1968 and throughout the 70s. But otherwise, I can’t agree, John didn’t have the same mixture, or balance of masculine and feminine traits as Paul-- and if it’s only made obvious during the downfall turning point of The Beatles and John (1968), then I don’t think that really counts as a ‘’lovely’’ mix of masculine and feminine traits for the reasons I mentioned. So I’ve got to disagree. John's always come off as much more masculine, or naturally masculine, both physically and characteristically, to me.

You know maybe it’s just the blogs I interact with, but I feel like it’s the other way around. I know I can sometimes come off as aggressive but at the end of the day I don’t necessarily care what one person thinks or believes, since it’s all relatively subjective to our own ideas of things and biases, etc... I have my thoughts and beliefs and theories and whether people agree or disagree with them on tumblr dot com... Well, what’re you gonna do? Nothing, it’s not my problem. 

What I 100% agree on you with is about showing Johnny’s body a bit more love and attention to detail when it comes to writing about him in fanfiction! 

There’s his auburn red hair, a darker ginger, which was thick and fun to watch as it lit up like fire when sunlight hit him, and could easily go wavy and curl when left unkempt and natural. The splattered and scattered galaxies of light freckles up and down his arms, his shoulders, his back, even a couple on his face. His aquiline nose, a relatively square jawline and facial structure, thick, heavy eyebrows which really intensify expressions of rage and hurt, almond shaped eyes which are the color of honey-amber when the light hits them just right and outlined with thick, long lashes, blind as a bat without his glasses but can give a mean squint which either helps scare off trouble, or brings it right to him, especially when he’s got thin bitten lips that could pull off a devilishly cheeky smirk or a no-good, charming grin to showcase teeth with the upper front turned slightly in towards each other, gives that imperfection which truly just perfects it-- a face like that of a tragic hero in a Greek Romance, distinctive and handsome. How he just oozed filthy sex and genuine trouble, sweaty leather and smoky dancehalls and rock & roll that crawls up your spine like an orgasm. Hips that could roll like Elvis and strong legs, thick thighs which would make a lovely place to sit. Broad shoulders, strong arms that could easily manage to lift you up and manhandle you in any way he’d like. Big hands, almost like shovels-- beautiful hands, with fingernails usually bitten short and occasionally had black ink or charcoal under them from when he’d be working on art, and rough, callused fingertips from playing guitar till they split and bleed, add a lovely roughness to any gentle touching he might do. A naturally thick midsection, a normal, healthy layer of fat which covers the sinewy just beneath. Any hair is light, light and lightly colored, on his arms and legs and chest. Cute tush, nice butt, a nice boy butt, slightly muscular bubble butt. 

Fun facts; he had the largest feet out of all four Beatles. John isn’t circumcised. John and George share the same height. John has a surprisingly long tongue. John’s skin tone may be light, but for comparison, he’s much tanner compared to Paul-- he’s a bit more olive or wheat to his skin tone, and tanned very, very well. John’s cheeks could become easily red though. John liked the scent of citrus to wear--  he was also self conscious about the fact he could easily sweat and so usually wore such colognes or scents, didn’t want to smell bad. He started smelling of witch hazel when with Yoko. Despite his issue with sweating, he didn’t smell bad naturally. John was a true romantic, being an artist outside of being a musician/rock and roller-- he just didn’t like to show it, and growing up in his time, you couldn’t. John’s a swimmer, he loved to swim and loved the ocean. 

[halcyonstorm]

my contest submission for LH drabble week! @levihan-drabbles

Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Hange Zoë, Levi Ackerman & Hange Zoë Characters: Levi Ackerman, Hange Zoë, Kuchel Ackerman Additional Tags: Sick Levi Ackerman, Leukemia, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - College/University, Car Accidents, Doctor Hange Zoë, Angst, Slight OOC, sorry Series: Part 9 of Short Fics Summary:

Hange and Levi were separated for several years for reason they couldn't help. They finally found each other.

At just 18 years old, Levi received the worst news of his life. He was sick. Extremely sick. If someone even coughed or breathed on him, he could die. He had leukemia, a disease which attacks the body’s white blood cells. Our white blood cells are our guardians, protecting us from any infection that dares to enter. He had one friend he wanted to tell the most: his best friend Hange. She had been his friend since the beginning of high school. He didn’t like her at first, but she kept showing up, eager to be his friend. He eventually warmed up to her, allowing her to sit with him at lunch, hang out after class; soon, they were inseparable.

Levi’s heart was in his throat as he mentally prepared to present the life-changing news to his best friend. “Hange, I have to tell you something,” he said, his voice trembling. Hange looked at him funny. He never spoke in such a strange manner before. Hange hesitantly sat in front of him at the empty desk, turning around in the chair to face him.

“What is it?” She asked, concerned. She was starting to get nervous.

“I’m sick,” he began, almost inaudibly. “I have leukemia… I am gonna have to leave school to be in the hospital. I get so weak, and my immune system is absolute shit… I can’t even risk getting a cold, otherwise I can die.”

Hange’s heart sunk into her stomach. She took a deep breath and looked into her lap. She had to be strong for Levi, and she knew that. 

“I’ll be here with you. We can text, call, facetime…”

“Yeah, we can,” he replied.

“We will! I’m your friend,” Hange said, grabbing his hand. “There’s no way in hell I’m leaving you behind.”

-

At first, Levi thought he’d be strong enough to withstand the chemotherapy. That he’d be the rare case to have no side effects. Boy, was Levi wrong. After his first two weeks, his health was tanking. It tanked so bad, in fact, that no one was allowed in the room except the doctors and nurses. Hange was one of the only people to call him daily besides his mom. Hange would Facetime him after class, telling him all about her day. Levi never had much to share from his monotonous days of drug infusions and immobilizing fatigue, but he enjoyed listening to Hange’s voice. Over time, Hange began to notice her friend change: His skin became ghostly pale and his words were mumbled. She would show him the blooming flowers in the spring, the fallen leaves in the autumn, the snow in the winter. She would show him anything to distract him from the excruciating pain he suffered each day. 

After a year of chemotherapy treatments, the toxins started to take a toll on his body. He’d find clumps of black hair on his pillow every morning, until one night he insisted his mother shave it all off. Each clump of hair reminded him of the life he should’ve had. Going to class in-person instead of online for the rest of the semester, graduating through a computer screen. He fucking hated it. His physical and mental state began to worsen each week. He was like a walking corpse, sleeping about 16 hours each day. When he was awake, he was wishing he was asleep. Each day he withered away in the hospital bed. He would miss Hange’s calls frequently due to his concerningly deep slumbers. If he managed to pick up, he would fall asleep on the phone with her. Despite her busy school schedule, she found time to text him every day. That is what kept him going.

Every day turned into once a week, which turned into once a month, and soon not at all. He had officially lost touch with the only friend in his life. He felt it was his fault: he had no energy to ever respond to her texts. He couldn’t blame her. She did try. Alone in his hospital room staring at his old texts from her, his heart ached and tears spilled down his face.

Another year had passed when his doctor came into his shabby hospital room with a look of hope. Levi felt his heart begin to race. 

“Levi, we have some good news and some bad news,” He began, shutting the door behind him. He wore a bright yellow gown with a blue face mask and latex gloves. “The good news is, your white blood cell levels are elevated. This is an improvement compared to last month’s tests. Since they’re higher, you’re well enough to receive a bone marrow transfusion from your mother, who’s a perfect match. The bad news is, there are many risks to having this transfusion. Your body can reject the bone marrow, which may cause massive complications. However, I think it is best for you to get the transplant. It is your best hope for overcoming this disease.”

With no hesitation, Levi agreed. Let’s do this thing.

He tried to reach out to Hange to tell her the news, but after a week with no response, he was disheartened. A part of him hoped she would respond. He had his family, and for that he was forever grateful, but who would he have once he left the hospital? Who would he talk to? Who would he be? He completely lost the miniscule amount of social skills he had. He did make friends with some of the patients on his floor. Unfortunately, he outlived most of them. 

Fortunately for Levi, the transplant was a success. Within the next few months, he began to regain the color in his face, and hair started to sprout on his head again. He was sleeping less frequently, he was finally able to do a lap around the hospital floor without getting too tired. He was still on chemotherapy, but he was regaining his strength, and more importantly, he was getting his life back.

Levi was in (and rarely out of) the hospital almost four years. The day he was discharged for good was a beautiful spring day. The stale air became fresh as he exited the hospital in a wheelchair. He heard the bright green trees rustling and saw some beautiful pink flowers that reminded him of Hange. He took everything for granted until he was cooped up in a hospital room for years. He was grateful to Hange for being his eyes to the outside world. He felt a breeze run through his buzz cut. He took a deep breath, tears helplessly streaming down his face. He was finally free. 

It wasn’t long before Levi started searching for his long lost friend. He hated himself for forgetting how to spell her name. Was it Hanje, Hangi, or Hange? He couldn’t quite remember. He searched her name and was shocked to find out Hange was a medical student practicing at Shinganshina General Hospital. Shinganshina General wasn’t far, so she must still live in the area. He couldn’t, however, find any of her social media accounts. She was off-the-grid. Great… he thought. She was always difficult. He was one to talk, though. He hasn't used social media in years.

Throughout the summer, Levi was able to land a job as a mechanic and he worked endlessly. He had to repay the debt he placed his parents in. His mother especially hated the idea of him working just as he finished his treatments, but Levi was persistent. Eventually, he saved enough money to send monthly deposits to his mom and move out. He couldn’t have his mom taking care of him anymore after all she sacrificed for him. He had made enough money on his own to afford a cheap apartment two blocks away from her house. 

After getting settled, Levi told himself he couldn’t begin college without knowing about Hange’s whereabouts. He decided maybe if he drove to Shinganshina city, he would be able to find her somehow. Someone ought to know her… He got in his car one evening, punched in a diner’s address in Shinganshina, and started to drive. As he drove, he started to realize his plan was stupid. What, am I gonna stalk her at the hospital?

 After finishing a 10-hour shift at the shop, he impulsively drove past his block and hit the highway. The highways were ruthless that Friday night. He had never been to Shinganshina before on his own. He drove, hovering his head over the steering wheel with his elbows tightly tucked to his sides. The speed limit signs read “65 MPH''; however, everyone was quickly steering around him, going way over 75. He was very tempted to turn around in spite of his impetuous road trip; but he couldn’t find an opportunity to do so.

On the other side of the road, the two lines merged into one. One of the drivers did not recognize this, and suddenly swerved onto the other side of the road where Levi was driving. Perhaps if Levi didn’t work so hard that day, there was a slight chance it could’ve been avoidable. The last thing he saw were bright fluorescent headlights before he was knocked unconscious.

-

“We checked his driver’s license. His name is Levi Ackerman, age 22, victim of a head-on vehicle collision. He was wearing his seatbelt and had an airbag. He may have suffered a SCI and concussion. His heart and lung sounds are normal although his sternum and ribs may be broken,” A paramedic announced as they wheeled the unconscious man through the glass doors of the emergency room. 

“Get him up to imaging. We need to do a MRI, CAT scan, and x-ray STAT!” the doctor replied, taking her stethoscope to listen to his chest. She recognized the man right away but allowed her feelings to be suppressed for that crucial moment. Of course she recognized this man. He was her long lost friend, after all.

After finishing the tests, Levi was brought to a hospital room where he was changed into a hospital gown. Dr. Hange Zoe and Dr. Erwin Smith discussed the results: MRI showed signs of a concussion; CAT scan showed no signs of hemorrhaging; x-ray showed a cracked sternum and ribs 4 and 5 were broken. No signs of broken extremities, however he presented with ecchymosis on the bony prominences, such as his hips, knees, and collarbones.

As Levi awoke about two hours later, groaning loudly.

“My chest!” he complained, finding it hard to move. The two doctors turned around to find the patient had regained consciousness.

“Hello, Levi,” Dr. Smith began. “You were in a car accident. You’re at Shinganshina General Hospital. I am Dr. Erwin Smith, and this is my intern, Dr. Hange Zoe.” Levi’s eyes widened when he announced her name. 

“H-Hange…” he whispered, attempting to sit up but failing. Dr. Smith placed his hand gingerly on his shoulder.

“You don’t have to sit up. Just relax. How is your pain? We can give you some medication.”

“It’s fucking horrible. Please,” He whimpered, grimacing. Dr. Smith nodded, leaving the room. Hange immediately grabbed a chair, sitting next to her patient, but more importantly her friend.

“Levi, dammit what happened?” She said softly, looking at him. His face was not scratched, it was just the rest of his body that was injured.

“What happened to you?!” He retorted, looking her in the eyes. She could tell he was hurt, not just physically. “So much for not losing you...” 

“I was texting you as much as I could, Levi,” she explained, feeling guilty. “I had lost my phone and got a new one, but I couldn’t remember your number. I tried to find you online but I couldn’t… I am so sorry.” She hesitantly grabbed his hand. He didn’t flinch or pull away, but he squeezed her hand.

“I was too sick to reply,” he said. “I’m sorry too.”

“It’s not-” A knock rang on the door and Hange stood up almost on cue. 

“On a scale of 0-10, 0 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever felt, how would you rate your pain?” She asked, switching the topic.

“A big fat 10,” he groaned. Dr. Smith wheeled in an electronic machine with a wire and handle attached.

“This is a patient-controlled analgesia pump. You can push it as many times as you’d like to help alleviate your pain. You will not overdose since it has a set amount of medication you can receive per hour. Also, we have some acetaminophen for you.” Levi downed the pills as soon as it was handed to him. Dr. Smith hooked the tubing up to his IV and handed him the button.

“Hange, gather your information on your patient and then meet with me in the conference room.” Dr. Smith left the room, Hange hesitantly looking at her friend again.

“Let me just do a quick physical assessment,” she muttered to herself, grabbing her pen light. As she did her assessment, he admired her. Being a doctor really did suit her. She was wearing a white lab coat with her name embroidered into it. As she would move his gown around to assess his heart and lung sounds, his breath hitched when he felt the tips of her fingers touch his bruised chest. He looked at her face as she worked. She simultaneously looked the same and different. Different in how she wore her hair, in the shape of her glasses, and she stood taller, more confidently. Same in her eyes never losing their sparkle, her focused pouty face, as well as her smile. That breathtaking smile never changed.

Once she finished, she cleaned off her materials and tucked them away.

“Levi, you’ll be kept at the hospital overnight to monitor your heart on the EKG. If you are able to walk in the morning, you will be discharged. Do you have anyone you can call?”

He thought of his mother. He thought of the burden he crushed her with. He decided to deal with this on his own.

“I live alone,” he replied, looking towards the foot of the bed.

“I can stay with you,” She offered instantly. Levi’s face flushed as he met her eyes. “I-I mean… if you want! You have a concussion. You can’t drive yourself or be left alone.”

“Isn’t that like… against the rules?”

“...I am not working tomorrow. I can pick you up and we’ll go from there. Since you won’t be in the hospital for long, I don’t think it’ll be an issue.” The corners of Levi’s mouth curled upwards.

“That is fine with me. Let’s do it.”

The next day, Levi was able to do a lap around the hospital floor. He walked around with one of the nurses to make sure he didn’t collapse. He was ready to go home. Correction: He was ready to go home with Hange.

Hange went to his hospital room in her normal clothes. Her style changed. She used to wear baggy t-shirts and jeans. She looked more mature in her white button-up top and black slacks. He had to prevent his mouth from opening when he saw her. She was beautiful, but of course he would never mention it. Hange walked down to the entrance of the hospital with the nurse and Levi. She went to get her car. A few minutes later, she arrived in her dark red Honda.

“Levi, you just have to direct me to your house…” She began, tapping at the car’s GPS. He gave the address and she punched it in.

“Hange? Why are you doing this for me?” He asked, almost by accident. She shifted the car into Drive.

“I… never stopped thinking about you, you know,” She began, driving away from the hospital. “Even though we lost touch, I still hoped to meet you again someday. You are the reason I wanted to be a doctor… and whenever I lost hope, I thought of you. Whether you know it or not, you pushed me to keep going.” He looked at her blushing face.

He was shocked by what she said. He felt the same. “Me too,” he confessed, looking in his lap. “Your calls saved my life. You were the only one who stuck around. I will never forget that.”

He was never one to say what he meant, but knowing he had the courage to speak those words to her, Hange felt a strong urge to kiss his lips. She always had feelings for him. Her feelings never changed, despite their time apart. In fact, it only confirmed her feelings for him even more.

“Even before I was hospitalized, I took everything for granted…” Levi said. “I have been wanting to tell you something ever since my diagnosis…” Hange felt her heart skip a beat as he spoke. 

“Thank you for being there for me.”

At the red light, Hange looked at him and squeezed his hand firmly. She noticed his cheeks were dusted with a red blush. 

“I’ll always be here for you.” 

He met her eyes, those radiant hazel eyes. He took advantage of the long stoplight to kiss the woman’s lips. He couldn’t contain his feelings anymore. He swore he’d tell her how much he meant to him one of these days. And God, her lips were soft and velvety and everything he’d imagined they’d be, but ten times better. She was shocked at first, but kissed him back. His lips were a little chapped from his rough night, but they were warm. She dreamt of this moment for years (as did he). It was better than how she thought it’d be too. She was intrigued by the quiet boy in school ever since she met him. Maybe she thought he’d lack passion, but it was the opposite. The kiss was full of passion and relief; after years of being in love with each other from a distance, they melted into each other. Suddenly, there was a beep behind her; the light had turned green. Hange chuckled, starting to drive again.

“You don’t even know how long I’ve been wanting to do that.”

[innermoonlight-bhe]

Me, again, on Destiel. Please read.

I’ve been having problems all this month. And while I was self-exploring the reasons of my uneasiness, I tracked it back to 15x18. When I first watched the episode I had lots of unresolved feelings. I felt happy and at the same time really distressed. After waiting for two week for the end of Supernatural I thought those feelings would disappear but they just kept on getting stronger. I began feeling stressed and, this last two weeks, feelings just empty. I had no desire to do anythings, like I was lost. Yesterday I realized why and got me sad and mad at the same time. I don’t want to take a lot of time writing this but there are too many emotions and rational thoughts that don’t let me sleep at night. 

This is why I want to divide this text into two parts:The first one being the queerbating debate on internet. This includes the normalization of heterosexual relationships, audiences, plots and writing, marketing and advertising, and other things that have to do with t.v. industry. In specific, the rare case of CW and its treatment of the whole Supernatural family. In the second part I would like to focus on my personal experience, which I’m sure is same to most people who were left all alone in this Destiel world of disappointment. This last one you can decide to ignore or share with me. The one that i’m most interested is that you read the first part, even though it can seem a little out of context, since I’ll be referring to another tv shows of the CW.

 FIRST PART THEN OF THE DESTIEL OPINION:When I was left so sad after the queerbaiting I began watching a famous soup opera aka telenovela, called Yo soy Betty, la fea. It’s famous worldwide and I felt it like a comfort home after all the Destiel drama. It made me happy because the story plot is only one: the heterosexual couple that falls in love. Of course I’m reducing this too much, but the point is that yesterday, after I finished watching it, I realized that even though the main couple had problems at the end the audience knew they would’ve ended together. It did happen, in the anti-last episode, same as in supernatural and the Cas confession. The two further episodes centered on the happy conclusion on the story. There are clear points to establish:

Point 1:  Supernatural was born as a serious mainly centered on two heterosexual man traveling all along a country hunting monsters while looking for a father. Meanwhile a classic telenovela centers on a love couple who fight against everythings to be together; in this case it’s establish since the beginning and no one will except anything else. 

Point 2: Meanwhile telenovela’s audiences are destined to be woman, wanting to follow the classic love story; Supernatural was being male focused actually did excepted woman but also men watchers. Supernatural had a largest specter of viewers.

Point 3: Telenovelas are not willing to change the story for the audiences desires. They work with practical and classic formulas that rarely will fail. There’s no necessity to receive a feedback to complete. Supernatural and tv series, on the other hand, actually need the feedback from the viewers because on it depends their permanency on the screen. 

Supernatural needed to keep their viewers high so the show could continue. I’m gonna leave the classic telenovela out for a moment. It’s important settling this differences to approximate myself to the basic point of my madness: how unethical is the queerbaiting.The public opinion changes, and The CW having clear this is very know to keep in touch with fans wishes and needs. In the case of Jane the Virgin, a barely combination of the telenovela classic plot but in a tv series way, had a big “change” with one of their main characters: Petra. Her connection with the main character, Jane, was noted and wanted by many of the viewers. But the show’s creator knew that main plot (point 1)was a girl who accidentally gets pregnant and eventually falls in love with the love of her life, Rafael. So the show writers wouldn’t just change this main plot in order to make a couple happen, so instead they gave the public what they wanted by making Petra bisexual and introducing a perfect girl for her, also called Jane, to deliver the wish of fans. This relationship worked purely and on its on. The reactions with Petra bisexuality were low, and they took care of it as if it was something normal and not anything that needed satanizing. No one could be expected to freak, not even Petra’s twins. Even though the first seasons Petra only had male relationships. This is a good thing that The CW did, but they didn’t do this out of the goodness of their heart: they did it for views and for the audience (point 2). Jane the virgin was also planned to have female audiences and to treat serious social issues respecting sexuality and love. This is why it didn’t came as a surprise. 

Then why did Destiel couldn’t happen? Because the CV is homophobic? Probably there’s some of this in it, but the reality it’s they weren’t giving up on the part of the audience that is actually homophobic, or that at least won’t feel comfortable watching a heterosexual character discover himself as bi. The thing of the audiences is important because the “ambiguity” in which Cas’ confession was treated worked perfectly for them: it gave exactly the sufficient enough to keep us happy, meaning while keeping the perfect amount of “friendship”. So anyone can take whatever they want for the story. By this part I understand why they wanted to deal with this confession in an ambiguous way: to please everybody. But why did they wanted to please everybody? It wasn’t out of kindness of their heart, it was for views.The whole queerbaiting debate has being on the tables for a long time but we also ignore the unethical implications on it. It has been used by many contemporary media, to hint at something that the producers are not expecting to happen any time. And even though, they keep on teasing us. This is highly unethical because the reason behind them is the accumulation of money. Supernatural survived because of Destiel. I resisted myself to say this because I had respect for the series until I stopped watching around season 10. The story and plots were doom, repetitive and boring at times. We keep watching for the emotions caused by the supernatural family. Not only Destiel but Sam and all of the characters. The original plot explained in the point 1 was lost and blurred, we were far away from that premise and that was why the finale episode feel just bad. 

The show had chances to grow without losing the origina plot but also confronting change and accept that sometimes, things must pass and you have to move. Destiel was an important support of the show, the views and year after year renovation of the series. Pointing at the queerbaiting has lost its meaning if we forgot why they do it, why they keep on doing this even though it makes us feel bad. This affects the shows work in perspective because it changes the plot and natural progression of the story. For the queerbaiting, they have scenes that are forgotten next episodes like they never happened. I’m a literature student and the first thing they say to us is that a scene, even a word, should be taken so seriously that it actually work on the long road of the story. In Destiel we have beautiful, all heart breaking scenes of Cas and Dean being romantic, closed, just in love. The Dean’s confession were he admitted to the priest he wanted to experience new things, the Castiel’s love confession, and others are an example of how this scenes have a space in the show but are still isolated from the original story. They don’t play a part in the bigger image. That’s why we don’t see Dean talk to Sam about Cas, this is why they are so many Destiel plots left unsolved. I have a small memory of an old lady assuring Dean that he’s in love, even though we haven’t seen in a long time a female in Dean’s life (Dean, who the first four seasons flirted with e v e r y woman he met.  Because producers and writers can let this scenes happen as long as it doesn’t change the main characters. Even, they are willing to let us think that Cas could be bi but Dean isn’t, by not having him say anything after Cas says I love you. And to be honest, we didn’t except much. 

We knew that we were clowning and it’s not like we excepted a love making scene from those two. We raised our expectations after 15x18 and not after. A lot of us were waiting on the finale to bring joy even though we never actually imagined it would go canon. 15x18 lifted expectations very few had and that lots, myself for instance, returned to watch after hearing Destiel was semi-canon. It brought back feelings, I got to rewatch supernatural to enter the atmosphere once again... So it was perfect for the CW. On one hand, the biggest queerbaiting on history gave them back for 15x19 and 15x20 all the fandom they had lost for the previous queerbaiting and tiredness of waiting. And also, they keep the antis and the homophobe watching. It was perfectly staged and nothing else was expecting. Something similar happen with Jane the virgin. With the death of Michael (I rather shipped more Jane with Michael) a lot of fans stopped watching. This was planned since the beginning and they actually gave us a fake death and then the real one. I actually stopped watching one season of Jane the virgin after his death because I was devastated, even though since the beginning everything pointed at Jane ending up with Rafael. Her connection with Michael was lovely and pure love. But after killing him off they wrote the relationship of Jafael so perfectly, not rushed or anything: it developed in a way that her relationship with Michael was intact but finished by death. It was a hard punch but at the end we ended up to accept her relationship with Rafael because of the clear progression between the characters. But, at the end of the series, at the last season they decided it was good idea to bring Michael back from the death and have her chose Rafael, after all of the progress It took for her to forget Michael. The changed her and all of the perspective of love changed for the show. It made thing that soul mates don’t exist, that all the love Jane felt for Michael disappear after having a whole season of her suffering for her lost, after she wrote her first book for him. It would’ve been so much better for the story if Michael stayed death. 

So the things is it’s not only queerbaiting on homosexual couples, but the whole idea that they need to have a huge audiences watching their last seasons. I returned to watch Jane the virgin excepting for Michael. This awful thing they do. Just for views and gain of capital bothers me and its what makes me angry. In the case of Supernatural it’s also a topic of homophobia and the fear that the homophobia of a few will ruin the views of series finales. An as I considere the unethical implications is why I would love to have them apologize to us. It’s like a person promising the stars and stopping you to move on, while they know nothing will happen. They use us as numbers to gain money and attention. The decision that I and a lot of people took to unfollow all of The CW accounts is no radical. It’s a little if we take into account all of the money they made from the unethical queerbaiting. It causes me a lot of anger and actually feel like a I need an apology because I felt used and dirty. This is the fault of the industry and the CW has a fame of doing so.

 PART 2: 

This will be little in comparison. Now I want to get to the sad sentimental part. I felt all empty because four years ago that I stopped watching I also stopped talking to the love of my life. Hearing about Destiel had me going back to moments. I even desired to talk to him again to tell him that I wasn’t all wrong. Destiel wasn’t platonic or an illusion. it has clearly staged to makes us think it could happen. It’s not the story of an angel who falls for a human, that gives everything up for him, that loves him. After his confession is the story of unrequited love. Dean never says it back and it’s a feeling that a lot of people have suffered. To love someone and not having them saying them back, of the relationship that never ends but at the end it’s one of the most important. This one I talked about I never dated, I never kissed, but he’s the man i’ve loved the most in my life. Having Castiel saying I love you and never receiving anything back, giving his life and no one saving him, it’s just heartbreaking for all of us who have constantly giving everything without expecting anything in return. At the same time it’s the story of a a couple that never happens but that should have. The same reflexion as always: if it were heterosexual it would’ve happen long time ago. But it also happens in real life, that if time alined, if things were in other way relationships would’ve happen with people in our lives.I had a lot of more feelings for Destiel, but that would be for another time. Right now I just realized why made me, personally, feed angry and sad. I realized I was a Cas to someone else. I realized I was used by a network. The queerbaiting actually has psychology repercussion on us, and it’s something they fail to understand. Accepting that I was affected by a tv show took me a hard time. I didn’t know how to explain to others why this had me absence for week, I thought I was ridiculous and week. I felt bad but know I realized I’m not wrong. It’s not my fault but it’s years of messing with out feelings on purpose. Some day i’ll write an essay on this. I have to much to say but I end it with this:

The media manipulates our emotions and doesn’t take any responsibility whatsoever. 

Don’t trust the media.

(Sorry for the bad english, I’m mexican. But at least Destiel is canon in my language). 

[peninkwrites]

Thank you sm @rhyslahey for the tag! I don't normally do these but it seemed fun :)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

28

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

815,679

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

A surprising amount– 6! Teen Wolf, Z Nation, Criminal Minds, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, The Umbrella Academy, and Dream SMP. so, so much Dream SMP.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

My first ever dsmp fic– Techno Comes Home, my only Umbrella Academy fic, He Got Seven (and what he deserved), A Talk Long Overdue (therapy fics seem to be my specialty), Thomas. Not 10k, but not Tommy either, my only Z Nation fic, this one surprises me, it's dark horror written for a comedic show with a tiny fandom, and The Storm (or: he should know better by now, but somehow he has no doubts), a Teen Wolf oneshot.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Oh, this is hard. I have a trilogy, In Which Things go Awry and the Good Guys Lose, and I cannot decide what's the worst of the trio, maybe the second one, In Which Punz Never Shows, just because it's worse than grief?

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Other than the aforementioned tragedies, I try to always have at least hopeful endings? But still, the ending of my 4 year long series, In Which Isaac Lahey Finally Gets some Fucking Therapy, is definitely the happiest, I may be biased because I'm just so fond of that series and how much work I put into it <3

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Never have, don't think I ever will, not my niche. Have considered writing some AUs, but not crossovers.

8. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No, cannot, will not. Any romance is a challenge for me to write, not even touching all that. You do you, not my cup of tea.

9. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try and respond to every comment just because they bring me so much joy, but I also try to make myself only reply when I have an update to post, sort of a reward for getting some writing done, but that means sometimes I don't reply until a month later... (or worse forget entirely)

10. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Thankfully no! At 'worst' sometimes people have disagreed with my characterization or corrected something they think I interpreted wrong, which, they've always been polite about it so fair enough!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so, although one time I was reading a fic that was uncannily similar to my own, not word for word, but it felt almost like a retelling or a parallel version? Probably just a popular interpretation of the premise, but it was a surreal read.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! I don't have the language skills to attempt it myself.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not really, although I have done a beginner bang and got to collaborate with a great artist, which is just as fun.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Romance isn't my forte, I still have a soft spot for Scisaac just because I adore the characters. My current favorite is Awesamponk, just because tragedy has been calling me lately.

15. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I have never given up on a fic and hopefully never will! That I've posted at least, if I've posted it I have to finish, otherwise I let my 2.5 readers down lol, I've had an unposted draft for a fic about the DSMP Raccooninnit arc that I've been sitting on Since That Arc, which was, what, back in January?

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue! Dialogue has always been my strong suit, or at least these past few years. Copying people's way of talking is always really fun.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Is saying everything else a fair answer? Describing stuff. I can write character feelings, not settings. The characters are Talking- where? Doing what? Good question! Love to find out some day.

18. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I had to do a lot of this for my last two isaac fics, one taking place in France and one in Russia and if I’m being honest, Google translate. That’s all I can manage. I apologize to any French or Russian readers.

19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I am not going to say, but I was 12, and it was on Wattpad. That should be horrifying enough.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

This is unjust. It’s like picking a favorite child. My favorite fic is probably one of the ones I’ve just been vividly planning in my head and have yet to write let alone post :/

I have no idea who to tag, if it takes any other writer's fancy, I recommend! It's fun to look back on stuff!

[snowdice]

Gaps in His Files (Part 12) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11

This one is very heavy. Patton is spiraling hard and expresses some very unhealthy deep seated views of himself and his role in relationships. So be warned and if you want to wait to read this, feel free. Basically all of the warning in the notes apply in this one except medical procedures.

Patton’s back ached from falling asleep on the floor next to the couch once again the night before. It had been horribly quiet in the apartment in the last 24 hours since Patton returned from the hospital to find Logan gone. He didn’t know what to do.

They’d defaulted back to looking through the files that they’d already pretty much read through at this point and Patton was starting to wonder if there was even any point. They’d looked through the red ones last night and the green ones this morning before rotating back to the blue ones which were now spread all over the coffee table.

Patton had snagged one of the fluffier blankets from the closet and curled up under it, but it didn’t make him feel any better. In fact, he might feel worse because he couldn’t keep insisting that Logan pet it like he normally would.

Logan didn’t even seem to care enough to voice his obvious unhappiness with Patton. His silence just made Patton feel worse and worse and made his thoughts spin and spin. Logan was tapping his fingers against the table thinking about something. Usually Patton would respond to that action with patient fondness, but today it just made him want to curl up into a ball wondering what he was thinking. Patton’s mind kept returning again and again to that place it had been in on and off the last two months except that place was getting darker and darker every time he came back around to it.

Ever since the rejected proposal, Patton had tried to figure out what it was about him Logan didn’t like. He’d tried all sorts of things. He’d tried not inviting himself over to his apartment as much, not being as pushy about Logan taking care of himself, offering sex less, offering sex more, not being as pushy about spending time with him, being more quiet, letting him decide what they did on dates, not talking as much about his job, not depending on him as much when he was stressed, not crying in front of him when he was overwhelmed. He’d tried. He’d tried so many things.

The problem was Logan. Or at least Logan before.

What Logan hated most in life was change and he’d clearly gotten used to how Patton naturally acted over the years. Thus, he kept getting distressed when Patton tried to change something.

When Patton avoided his apartment for over a week, he’d asked if Patton was mad at him and then since Patton had that Saturday off, he’d managed to cajole Patton into spending all day in Logan’s bed napping and cuddling.

The not pushing him to care for himself had only lasted a few hours. Patton knew it had to be annoying, but he couldn’t stop himself from reminding him to eat breakfast and Logan hadn’t seemed mad when he’d started back up. He’d even brushed a kiss across his cheek when Patton handed him a plate of bacon and breakfast potatoes.

He seemed to be able to tell when Patton wanted to have sex with a startling amount of pinpoint accuracy, like he had Patton down to a science. When Patton wanted it, but didn’t start something, he initiated it himself and he looked at him with abject confusion when Patton tried something when he didn’t want it.

He showed up to the hospital to take Patton to lunch in the cafeteria when he didn’t mention meeting up for lunch because he assumed the reason was that Patton was too busy that day. He pushed when Patton didn’t speak much, citing that he was worried something was wrong and he insisted on his input on dates before he’d move forward with any plans.

Patton had kept quiet about his job for three days before Logan had gone and talked to Remy behind his back to ask if something was wrong at work. Under pressure from both of them, he’d spewed out the buildup of stress all over the place. And it was so hard. It was so hard not to cry about it when Logan pressed soft kisses to his cheeks and temples and asked him if he was okay.

But now Logan wasn’t used to Patton and wasn’t set into patterns that he probably didn’t actually like, but just allowed because he wanted to be nice to Patton and was used to it. The problems with Patton were becoming apparent every time Logan side eyed him.

Patton had been hoping that maybe he could figure out from this version what parts of Patton he really did not like. Then Patton could hold more firm about getting rid of those things once Logan got his memories back. He’d definitely appreciate it after an adjustment period. That is if Logan even wanted him after this. He hoped he’d at least give Patton a chance to fix himself.

Patton was good at pretending. He knew how to cut pieces of himself off to get people to love him back. He’d had a lot of practiced. Make sure to do your homework at the dinner table at mom’s house so she knows you’re not being lazy. Cook when you’re at dad’s house so dinner is ready when he gets home from work, but make sure you’ve cleaned up by the time he gets home, so he doesn’t see you cooking. Don’t let grandma cook potatoes; she doesn’t like them and will blame you for them being on the dinner table. Never turn on the television at mom’s house; it rots the brain. Make sure the television is on the sports channel by the time dad gets home. Don’t touch grandma’s remote no matter how loud the volume is. Sit up straight for mom. Don’t cry in front of dad. Be quiet for grandma. Pretend dad doesn’t exist for mom. Call dad’s new girlfriend mom. Don’t try to correct grandma when she calls you by your dead grandfather’s name. Get good grades. Get into a good college. Get a job that pays well. Don’t complain. Don’t get in trouble. Don’t be gay.

Patton knew how to do it all. Logan had never asked it of him. Never, not once had he told Patton that he needed to fix himself or that he had to change for him; he deserved it more than any of them.

“We’ve talked a lot about me,” Logan said surprising Patton out of his churning thoughts especially since he had barely spoken all day. “but what about you?” he asked. “Tell me more about you. Tell me about our relationship. Why do you want to be with me or at least the me with my memories?”

“I…” Patton started. “There are a lot of reasons.”

“Then tell me one.”

Patton bit his lower lip. “You read my papers.”

“Your papers?”

“I’ve written a few research papers and you looked them up and read them and tried to understand them because you wanted to be able to talk to me about something I was interested in. That was the first time in my life that someone looked at me and it felt like they actually wanted to know me. And you kept doing things like that. You remember my coffee order and bring my favorite sandwich to the ER even when you know I’m in surgery and I can’t be there to see you so you just leave it with someone else to give it to me when I’m done. You eat the stupid cafeteria food at the hospital when I only have time for a 30-minute lunch just to spend time with me and after the first time we had sex, you got up early and cooked me an omelet because you didn’t know how to cook anything else. You try to find ways to help me feel better when I’m upset even though it doesn’t come naturally to you and you’re willing to throw popcorn in my mouth from across the room with your powers just because I ask even though you think it’s silly. You once took me on a picnic to a park 5 hours away because I mentioned how much I loved it when a group of us went there on a retreat during medical school even though you don’t like eating outside because of the bugs. And you didn’t even complain… well, I mean, you did complain, but only enough to make me laugh, not so I thought you really resented being there with me. When we go to parties and I say I want to go home, you pretend to get a migraine so we can leave early and sometimes we end up having sex in the car outside. And even though you complain about how annoying you think Remy is, you know he’s my friend so you still make a point to make an effort with him and hang out with him even when I’m not there. So…” he swallowed. “Yeah.”

“You really love me,” he stated, eyes intent on him and unreadable.

“Every part of me loves you Logan,” Patton said, gripping the soft blanket in his fingers. “You can have whatever pieces you want.”

“Whatever pieces?” he echoed.

Patton forgot for a moment that the man in front of him did not have context, that he didn’t and couldn’t understand what Patton was asking. “Look,” he said. “I know there is something wrong with me. I know there are parts of me that annoy you or make you angry, but if you just tell me what they are I’ll change them.”

“You think I don’t like all of you?” Logan asked.

“Clearly not!” Patton said, standing up suddenly and throwing the blanket off onto the ground. He paused and took a breath, forcing his tone to be calm and clinical, like he did when he got too emotional at work. “Look at this,” he gestured to the piles of files in front of him: blue, green, and red. “This is everything from your personal files to your work files to the files for your alter ego, but where am I? You have the receipt from the first fast food order you bought with your credit card, the invitation from your five-year high school reunion that you didn’t even go to, and your sixth-grade report card. But there is nothing in here about me. Not really. I am not important enough for you to keep. But I can be if you just tell me how. I can be whatever makes you happy. If you love me at all, I will rip myself apart until I’m what you need.”

Logan looked him directly in the eyes. “If I love you, I don’t want that.”

Patton blew up. “Then what do you want, Logan?!” He snapped his mouth closed and looked away, tears that had been building since Logan had lost his memory, since Patton’s marriage proposal had been rejected, since his mom had first called him stupid because he’d gotten a B on a math test in the 5th grade, springing to his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…” he swallowed and stood, a picture of calm. “It has been a stressful couple of days,” he said, flicking a tear off his cheek. “I think I need to go back to my place and rest for a while. I’ll come back tomorrow morning and we can… I don’t know, try aromatherapy or something.”

Before Logan could say anything more, Patton beat a hasty retreat.

Want to read more? Click below!

Part 13

[carrackian]

‘Toxic’ Anime Fandoms (But I’m just angry)

Ok so this is gonna be a long stupid ramble because I (An idiot) found some articles online about toxic anime fandoms... and by god does it piss me off. SO in this essay I’m gonna incoherently scream about why these articles I found are just lacking in explanation, and then I point at the glaring flaws. Not to mention I’m using multiple articles, but they all like to use similar arguments.  Warning, I’m gonna paraphrase because these articles are long winded about literally nothing.

The Naruto fanbase is toxic because people compare everything to Naruto, and people get upset when you don’t put it in your best anime list!! Honey... HONEY, that’s how all fandoms are. Naruto was likely people’s first introduction to anime, and people are defensive over their nostalgia, I mean like you saw the uprising with the new Ben 10 and Teen Titans Go, other than the fact that they’re BAD, but people were upset and still are (which is yet again understandable)  Seriously, if I made a list that said ‘Best Things Ever’ and I didn’t include something that they liked, then I understand why someone would be upset, and maybe comment something. It’s the day in age where if you have an opinion someone will probably be upset with you.

The Deathnote fanbase is toxic because people like to say it’s good and act offended if you haven’t watched it! Well I mean... Yeah? That’s how fans of a show can act, it’s just exaggerated. I mean seriously, if someone told me they haven’t ever played Undertale, or heard anything about Homestuck- I’m gonna wonder about what part of the internet you’ve been on because I played Undertale for the first time in like 2019 thanks to how much my friends praised it, and I only got into Homestuck in very late 2020 because one of my friends went on a three hour rant about homestuck and I needed the context for so much stuff. Hell, I only have any knowledge on Deathnote because my friend took their old Deathnote Manga and gave it to me for my birthday- which was a touching gift since they really love Deathnote. 

The Hunter X Hunter fanbase is toxic because it doesn’t get attention from weebs, and the fans sometimes get angry. Seriously? That’s what we’re mad about? This is literally so fucking petty my god- next ffs.

The Jojo fanbase is toxic because ‘is that a jojo reference memes’ and because fans want you to watch Jojo. Fucking- AGAIN!? jesus christ. You wanna know how I got into Jojo? My tooth was pulled, and it was the first time I ever got any teeth pulled, so I was high as hell and spitting out blood occasionally. I didn’t want to walk home that day (for obvious reasons) and so I stayed late so I could get a ride from my friends parents. So when another mutual acquaintance came up, and he was playing the Jojo game on an emulator. This got into the three of them telling me about Jojo, but only super vague pieces of it. High off my ass I got home, binge watched like two seasons of it, and forgot everything that happened after the first episode. So I managed to get through the first season (again) before I got caught up in other things (ahem, pokemon) Not to mention that its normal to want to share something you like with other people. Back when I read books regularly I used to keep a list of books to recommend to my friends.

The Demon Slayer fandom is bad cuz too many spoilers :(  Okay? This... This doesn’t a toxic fandom make. Yeah it’s shitty, but like full fucking on- that’s not toxic?

The Dragon Ball fanbase is toxic because people think Goku is the strongest and argue about it, and it’s dying, but like I’m also proof that DBZ fans aren’t bad! Okay? And? Like I full on mean that. I’m a Dragon Ball fan and let me tell you- I’ve literally never seen a single fucking person actually say anything like that unironically- or during a power leveling video that’s an actual discussion about power scaling. Not to mention that for the most part people watch shows for the actual show? Like the plot, characters, storyline- ya know, the actual fucking show?

The Attack on Titan fanbase is toxic because fans sent death threats to the author for ending the manga. Jesus fucking christ- okay, yeah that’s toxic! So... where’s the catch? They also wrote their own endings to the manga. I swear to GOD- WHAT THE FUCK. Fanfiction has existed forever you ignoramus, bleach-snorting, styrofoam eating IDIOT. Seriously, I literally fucking rewrote the entirety of Naruto (Multiple Times over) are you gonna say that I’m Toxic? How about the multiple other hundreds of people who have literally rewritten entire works of fiction.

Now, what do I consider toxic fanbases? The top three are: Undertale, Homestuck and Steven Universe. The Undertale fandom managed to be so bad that people were actually kinda scared of it. Not to mention that it is a good game, people just went a bit too far. If you killed anyone people would send death threats, Markiplier (a really cool youtuber) had people yell at him for giving Sans a southern accent, and I mean the fact that it’s so big made it worse. The Homestuck fandom had many bad moments where some fans caused harm to others, damaged products, the girl who nearly killed herself trying to dye her skin for a cosplay, AND LITERALLY CHANGED THE CONVENTION FIELD. The Steven Universe fandom nearly killed a fan because she drew a fat character thin, they turned on the fucking creators for saying this was bad, multiple racist, sexist and homophobic things just existing while people pretend to be fake woke.

And this has been- I literally knew all of the bad fandom stuff because I lived through it. Problem is, I lived through the popularity of every single anime on this list while actively in more internet spaces, and I don’t fucking see it. Seriously, when I think of toxic anime fanbases I think about anime like Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid, where a bunch of 30 year olds get horny over a child and then say that they’re fine because she’s ACSHUALLY 2,000 years old! I mean fuck, my favorite meme is literally the- “Men be like “You’re not a real anime fan if you don’t watch ‘Is it wrong to piss on my bunny sister’s feet?’“ Like- fucking exactly. Both these fucking articles have ‘I think that when someone is a little mean or says something kinda annoying they’re TOXIC!’ Like bitch no, when I think toxic I think of the gaslighting fanbases that end up with multiple people with mental disorders or someone dead- which let me tell you, is a surprisingly large amount of fandoms? 

Anyways so I’m done, mainly because it’s like super fucking late and I’m so tired

[shannendoherty-fans]

People, September 9th 1991

High School Confidential

By Tom Gliatto and Michael Alexander.

Photos by Mark Sennett.

Beverly Hills, 90210 Gets Its Heat from a Dangerously Cute Cast of TV's Hottest New Stars CONFIDENTIAL MEMO: FROM: The Vice Principal TO: The Faculty, High School U.S.A. I'm sure I don't need to remind you what happened when we didn't prepare for Bart Simpson last fall. The school was flooded with rude, antieducational T-shirts. Some cows were had. Well, as a new school year gets under way, I believe we face another daunting challenge: Brace yourselves for Beverly Hills, 90210. That's the Fox drama about unworldly twin teens Brandon and Brenda Walsh (played by Jason Priestley and Shannen Doherty), recent transferees from Minneapolis to the Hills of Beverly. There they struggle to assimilate into the fast-lane lifestyle of West Beverly Hills High School, where the kids come equipped with BMWs, call waiting and designer surfboards. In the process, the teens examine their emerging identities and the problems that adolescents everywhere face.

The show languished in the Nielsen ratings against Thursday powerhouse Cheers last year. But Fox had no replacement, so it stayed. While we were on summer vacation, new 90210 episodes began airing, and the show landed in the Top 20, becoming the most popular show among teenagers. To some extent, I take responsibility for having ignored 90210. I made the mistake of reading newspaper critics instead of my daughter's diary, and so I believed, as Howard Rosenberg sniffed in the Los Angeles Times, that the show was merely a "ZIP code for stereotypes and stock characters." Little did I know that this show would mesmerize teens by doing emotionally realistic shows that involved adolescent rebellion, alcoholic; parents, a breast-cancer scare and plenty of worrisome teen sex. "Most shows for adolescents," says 90210 creator Darren Star, "seem like they are written by 50-year-olds who think teenagers behave like 7-year-olds."

It also doesn't hurt that the show's male stars, Priestley and Luke Perry (who plays brooding loner Dylan McKay), are "to die for," as my daughter puts it. These two have each been receiving about 1,500 fan letters a week. So be vigilant: Surely some of these will be written by our students...during class! And I'm afraid that 90210 is only going to get bigger with our kids, if producer Aaron Spelling is to be believed. "I thought The Mod Squad and Charlie's Angels got a lot of publicity in their heyday," says Spelling, whose company produced those shows, "but it doesn't compare to this. It's crazy. We have merchandising coming out of our ears"—a complete line of T-shirts, beach towels, notebooks, etc. "And now these actors can't walk down the street!"

Or even streak through malls. You probably saw those alarming news reports about a frenzied mob of 10,000 fans that stampeded Perry when he appeared at a south Florida mall last month. "It's a little scary," says Perry. Scarier is the amount of time students will waste this fall discussing Luke. And Jason. And who is sexier. I provide some information on the two. Jason Priestley, 22, plays Brandon Walsh, a model of thoughtful level-headedness. In real life, however, the brown-haired, blue-eyed star, who started acting in commercials at age 4 and played an orphan on that very nice NBC sitcom Sister Kate, is no Oliver Twist. He likes dirt bikes, bungee jumping and is a chain-smoker (just about the whole cast puffs it up—but not on-camera). Vancouver-born Priestley likes to hang out in Las Vegas. As for his real romantic life, he was reportedly dating actress Robin (Doogie Howser, M.D.) Lively last spring, but it seems likely that now he is too busy for such dalliance;. He must be on the set 14 hours a day, five days a week. To avoid ever-present fans, Priestley says, "I look different from my character when I'm just walking around. I don't shave, I don't dress like Brandon."

On the show, 26-year-old Luke Perry (Brenda Walsh's boyfriend, Dylan) sports a leather jacket, dagger sideburns and a squint that spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e. Although he grew up and graduated from high school in Fredericktown, Ohio, he seems to have attended James Dean wise-guy classes. Perry, who played country-boy Ned Bates on the ABC soap Loving, entertains the 90210 cast by strutting around bare-chested making jokes. Does he have a girlfriend? "No. You know how I can get in touch with Linda Hamilton?" What kind of music does he listen to? "Tom Jones is awesome." Are he and Priestley ever mistaken for each other? "He's mistaken for me on his good days." And 90210, he says, is "the best show on television, except for Jeopardy!" We should act quickly, faculty, when we see any signs that Beverly Hills, 90210 is disrupting normal student activity.

How abnormal might things get? Consider: "It's almost like there are cults," says Brian Austin Green, 18, the North Hollywood High grad who plays the cutely dweeby David Silver. "Girls go to school the day after the show, and they actually become these characters. They say, 'Okay, today I want to be Dylan, you can be Brenda, you can be Brandon.' " Needless to say, students caught pretending to be TV characters should be brought directly to my office for detention. But you know, it might not be a bad thing if our students could show some of the good sense that the 90210ers display in coping with the pressures of fame and fortune. Jennie Garth, 19, who plays the very sexy, very blond, very snotty Kelly Taylor, is particularly admirable. The youngest of seven children, she grew up on a farm near Champaign, Ill., until her schoolteacher parents moved to Phoenix when she was 13. "Living in a small town and coming from a very tight and close family instilled a lot of standards that I need to live up to," says Garth, who just bought a home in Sherman Oaks. She also recently supplied her parents with the down payment for their new home, setting a splendid example for today's youth.

According to a tabloid that someone left in the faculty lounge, Memphis-raised Shannen Doherty, 20, a veteran of such wonderful shows as Little House: A New Beginning, is the only cast member to be accused of behaving like "a spoiled brat" on the set. But she maintains she is no such thing. "I think everybody gets in a bad mood," Shannen says. "You do not work 16-hour days and not start feeling it. But I have never thrown a tantrum. I've gotten upset on the set, but it's never been just to be a bitch. You have to stand up for yourself in this business. That was something I was told when I was 12 years old and working with Michael Landon."

As with about half the cast members, Doherty is in a relationship—in her case, a real-estate developer with whom she's exchanged commitment rings. "You really have to date a while before you decide if this is the person you want to marry," she says with Brenda-like candor. Almost sounds like the relationship could be a future 90210 plot. "The problems of young people have accelerated," says Aaron Spelling, "and so have their feelings and thoughts." The show, he says, has kept pace: Even with their Clearasil-perfect complexions and plump allowances, the students at Beverly Hills have encountered their share of problems. "We had the guts to make Luke Perry be a member of AA," says Spelling. "We had Jason, our star, drinking and driving. That's reality."

And, apparently, the adulatory fan mail often includes a sad dose of that reality. "I got a letter the other day from a girl who mentioned the show we did on parental drug abuse," says Perry in a rare moment of seriousness. "She wrote about catching her father freebasing in the basement. I get letters like that all the time, from people all over the country." Gabrielle Carteris (at age 30, she's 90210's oldest cast-kid), who plays Andrea Zuckerman, the bright student who comes from the wrong side of Rodeo Drive, remembers an encouraging close encounter in a grocery store. "One girl came up to me after we'd done the breast-cancer show," says Carteris. "She said, 'I went home with all my friends and we checked our breasts for lumps.' "

In conclusion: Maybe I didn't need to write this memo. Maybe things won't be that bad, even if every locker in every corridor has a picture of Jason, Luke, Shannen or Jennie in it. Perhaps our dear little school is more like West Beverly Hills High—at least the TV version—than I thought. That's what Ian Ziering, 27, thinks too. "The reality on the show pretty much mirrors the way life is all over, in terms of teenagers," says New Jersey—bred Ziering, who once did Fruit of the Loom underwear ads and now plays 90210's curly-headed jock, Steve Sanders. "There's a mystique about Beverly Hills. But that's not what keeps people tuning in. The show could have been Montana E-I-E-I-O." By the way, should any student pronounce his name "eee-an," correct him or her, please. It's "eye-an."

-- WHEN BEVERLY HILLS, 90210 PREMIERED last October, Highlights, the student newspaper at Beverly Hills High, ran articles mocking the school's TV counterpart, West Beverly Hills High. "They said that the show was a joke," says Jenny Brandt, 14, a sophomore at the 1,900-student school. But as the story lines improved and Jason Priestley and Luke Perry became stars, the jokes stopped, and Brandt found herself, like many of her pals, glued to the set on Thursday nights from 9 to 10 P.M. "No phone calls allowed," says Brandt. "Except during commercials." Hope Levy, a 17-year-old senior, has taken fandom a step further with her friends. "We have little handmade cards," she says, speaking from her mom's car phone. "They say you're a member of Club 90210." While some kids think the show treats them as snobby stereotypes, most agree with sophomore Jordan Rynes when he says, "It's like a soap opera for teens. The shows dealing with drinking and drugs are the most real—adults don't realize how accurate it is."

[acrossthestarx]

My top ten characters in any fandom

Tagged by @enigmaticpsych​! Emily Thorne is definitely my number one but the rest are in no particular order.

1. Emily Thorne/Amanda Clarke (Revenge)

I try to give back as much as I can.

From her first moments in the pilot episode to going on almost 10 years later Emily Thorne has been my favorite character in anything, period. If there’s one morally gray character in a movie, TV show, book, etc. they’re almost always going to be my favorite and Emily is no exception. She's ruthless, tenacious, cunning, reserved, protective, in desperate need of therapy, and she’s portrayed beautifully by Emily Vancamp.

2. Jessica Jones (MCU)

My greatest weakness? Occasionally I give a damn.

Jessica is a character that I deeply relate to and it pains me that we’ll likely never get to see her again. Sarcastic, angry, protective, and just an absolute mess, she never wanted any of what got handed to her but tries her best anyways.

3. Wanda Maximoff (MCU)

That’s too high a price.

Yet another female character that is paid absolute dust by the MCU she, like Natasha before her, has to sacrifice and suffer endlessly for the contrivances presented in each movie. My love for the MCU has been steadily dying the past couple of years and she’s the only thing keeping me any amount of invested at this point. She’s the most powerful character with a lot of depth that I’m looking forward to being explored further.

4. Spencer Hastings (Pretty Little Liars)

Why enjoy today when you could be worrying about tomorrow?

While I enjoyed all of the “liars” on this show Spencer is definitely my favorite. Intelligent, witty, tenacious, passionate, and a touch belligerent at times she, like PLL overall, will always be one of my favorites and have a special place in my heart despite her flaws.

5. Polly Gray (Peaky Blinders)

If I come for you, and I still might yet decide to come for you, I will wear high heels so you can hear my approach on the cobblestones and have time to repent. You listen for my footsteps.

An absolute badass who is practically the only thing keeping the Shelby family from imploding at any given time she’s the family matriarch that gets shit done. Helen McCrory is an absolute delight and I love every second that Polly is on screen.

6. Kylo Ren/Ben Solo (Star Wars)

Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.

Ahhh Ben. When I saw TFA for the first time I actually had no interest in seeing it and thought that I was about to waste 2 hours of my life when the movie first started but as soon as he came on screen and stopped Poe’s blaster bolt that was it for me. He’s one of the best things about the sequel trilogy and I choose to ignore his tragic end.

7. Rey (Star Wars)

I know all about waiting.

The other best thing to come out of the sequel trilogy was Rey. While I don’t agree with the ultimate path that JJ Abrams took her character down she was still a nice breather from the Skywalkers and I’m always a sucker for female characters that are allowed to express negative emotions since there are seemingly so few. She’s feral, and I love her for it.

8. Rick and Evy O’Connell (The Mummy & The Mummy Returns)

You swear? Every damn day.

So I’m cheating and putting these two under one because they work amazingly well together and are perfect for each other. The Mummy and The Mummy Returns are two movies that I never get tired of watching and I’ve seen both of them more times than I can count. Rick and Evy are the perfect adventuring duo and I wish that more movies with these two had been made. The third Mummy movie doesn’t exist since Rachel Weisz is not in it.

9. Ella Lopez (Lucifer)

It’s always the ones you least suspect, the ones you trust the most, that hurt you. They wait until your guard is down and then wham! In my case, it was tequila.

Ella is a character that I normally wouldn’t care too much for but she snuck up on me and quickly became one of my favorite characters on Lucifer. She’s bubbly, kind, loving, and always ready to give hugs while still having a dark side. I’m really looking forward to what the show has in store for her.

10. Diana Prince (DCEU)

I give everything that I have. Every day. And I’m happy to, but this one thing...Why for once can’t I just have this one thing, Steve? This one thing?

While WW84 was a bit...rocky...to say the least Diana is still the best thing to come out of the DCEU. Her theme is hands down the best superhero theme and her entrance in BvS and into the DCEU as whole is unparalleled. “Is she with you? I thought she was with you.” Love it.

Tagging: @dreamylibrathoughts​ @dealingdreams​ @hedakomkeryon​

[welcome-to-green-hills]

I feel very comfortable asking you some questions about American stuff because if I ask anyone of my American friends they’d laugh at me. Here are my questions: what is a pretzel? What’s the difference between a college and a university? What is a sophomore?! Why do you have a different measuring system than other regions of the world? How come Americans appear snooty on social media? And what is an ounce? Thank you, I love ya, and thank you for not being like any other American.

Hello, friend! 😇🖐

I’m honored that you feel comfortable asking me these questions. I will not judge you. Not at all! These are very good questions! If your American friends laugh at you for asking things like this, then maybe they’re not worth your time. There is nothing wrong with asking questions like this, these are cultural differences.

I’m more than happy answering these questions for you!😇

First question: “What is a pretzel?”

I know in the Sonic Movie it was mentioned that he refers to Maddie as a pretzel due to the way that she bends. In yoga, there is a pose that one dues that references the twists and curves of a pretzel:

Then there’s food! Yay!

🥨

There are a couple of versions of pretzels in America, some are tiny and hard like a tree nut. Others are larger, soft and a bit crispy like a churro or some lightly salted crisps/potato chips. Normally they’re about the size of one’s hand and come with a small cup of melted cheese or some mustard to dip them in. I know that some who read this wince a tad at the word “mustard,” but it’s not mild tasting as it would be in some regions in Europe. American mustard is like sucking on lemon with sugar. That’s the best that I can describe it, it’s been ages since I’ve had taste buds.

Pretzels do originate from Germany and brought over to the Americas... specifically in the Philadelphia, USA region. The twists have a Christian resemblance to them to honor prayer. You can read more about it HERE if you’d like!🥰

——————————(🥨🥨🥨)——————————

Next question: “What is the difference between a University/Uni and a college?”

I’m trying to think of the best examples I can to explain the difference here... There is a difference between the two. You’re not going crazy, I promise.❤️ School is also very expensive here, at least 48% of the whole American population has some sort of education degree.

We have a Community College, it’s like attending an FE (Further education) and it’s reserved for people between the ages of 16-18 years of age. This is where some go if they want to start attending school, but don’t know what college is like. Think of it as a “university-in-training.”

A college is a step up from a Community College. It is a place where you can get a degree, but it’s much more... relaxed(?) than a university. It does offer sports, like Futbol and American Football, lacrosse, and track—just to name a few. The classes are smaller in size. Think of the biggest room in your house, apartment/flat, or rowhouse; that’s about the size of the room and it normally fits between 25-30 students in it. They only offer some degrees.

A university is much larger. My university has as many as 10,000 students. They’re also much more welcoming to accepting students from around the world. I’m in a class where I’m the only American in it, I have lots from Brazil, Argentina, Ontario, and some in London. There’s one class that I’m in that has about 450 students in it! In a university—sometimes called a Uni—you can receive an undergraduate degree and a graduate degree.

——————————(🏫⚽️📚)——————————

Next Question: “What is a sophomore?!”

Sophomore... a funny word, isn’t it?

It does have a peculiar meaning. Much like how some regions around the world do years 1-11 in their schooling, Americans use terms “freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior” for school and at a university.

Freshman year would be the equivalent to year 9

Sophomore would be the equivalent to year 10

Junior would be the equivalent to year 11

And senior would be like attending a year 12 for ages between 17-18.

Americans only extend school for 7.5 hours and do not go to school on Saturday. It’s a short amount of time due to a few concepts:

The American’s industrial revolution had children working in the fields and factories and had to help families at work or attend to crops.

The American schooling system has it scheduled in a way where a public school’s buses can pick up children at certain times to bring them to school.

Some kids between the ages of 16-18 who still attend public schools go to school in the morning and take retail jobs in the afternoons.

There is an option to take Saturdays as a school day, but that’s if you’re failing a course.

I have my schooling set up for every day of the week so I don’t lose pace in my school work and I’m always in the “know” of the evolving world.

——————————(🏫🖌📚)——————————

Next question: “Why do you have a different measuring system than other regions of the world?”

“What is an ounce” will also follow this statement. This one is a complicated answer, I’m not going to lie. We are taught how to convert our measurements into the universal language so everyone can understand it, but we barely touch up on the subject.

One is based off of money... the other reason has to do with ego.

The Americans have a different system that’s been apart of the culture since the industrial revolution. It was to help keep track of everything that was manufactured in factories and shared across the country. Bigger companies have thought about changing it in the past, but they really don’t want to spend the money.

Boo.

The other reason has to do with ego. The belief here is that if the Americans keep this system of measurement up, then the rest of the world will eventually follow them. It’s got to do with this belief that they’re being leaders of the whole world...

I have always made sure that when I give measurements here I give the American measurements and the correct measurements that everyone understands.

——————————(📏📐📏)——————————

Next question: “How come Americans seem snooty in social media?”

Oh boy... this goes into ettiquites and to ego here.

In the past I’ve always said that once when people reach a certain number of followers and popularity, their personality does change. Sure, having a certain amount of followers is great, but that doesn’t mean that you should show off and become something that you’re not.

That’s not the You that you used to be.

We are a country that has access to everything quickly, made cheaply or sturdy, and we are a rich country. We are in this belief that we are living the “American Dream” of being comfortable and living happy, but a great majority of us here are not. We’re a country that has access to everything in one way or another. Many are spoiled and sheltered in a bubble. Many Americans are not “disciplined,” nor educated, in knowing that one cannot get everything that they desire. If you want something, work for it. Desires shouldn’t be handed over to someone, the true value and worth of it would never be understood...

I think that the reason that many appear and act snooty online is because of attention and the fame behind it. In some way, one form or another, there is a sense of fame to a fandom, a social media, or anything else that quickly draws the attention of others. I think, this is my opinion, that those who act like they’re all that online are looking for evaluation of their self-worth. People venture off in search of popularity and an amologous substance to hold and morph it into their own worth. It’s an approval seeker for them because they’re used to getting everything.

Please set a good example for others...

——————————(🎉🎉🎉)——————————

Listen, I am sorry if there have been encounters before with some Americans that have been unpleasant. I really, truly am.

I will agree that many are difficult to engage with, yes, but it doesn’t give us the right to act like we’re the centers of the universe. I am sorry. I am happy that you do find me approachable with these questions, thank you for asking me! Anytime you have a cultural question as such, you’re more than welcome to ask me. I won’t judge. And I love ya, too!

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.