#i literally have bpd thank u though ^_^

[gorpiepng]

it’s me again… guess who i’m requesting….. THATS RIGHT PEST *insert loud correct buzzer sound*

pest with a gn!reader whos very possessive of him

for some elaboration. the reader loves him to death and they get VERY jealous when pest is interacting with someone other than them. and if pest shows even a slight distaste for the conversation reader is strolling on in and cussing that person out and scaring them away but literally two seconds after the reader is the sweetest person in the world to pest

I FOUND THIS SUPER FUNNY TO THINK ABOUT SO HERE U GO

🗨️ a/n: OKAY BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING i am SO SO SO sorry this took so long .. !! THIS WAS REALLY FUN TO WRITE THANK YOU FOR MORE PEST REQUESTS <3 kinddd of projecting here a tad bit because I have bpd and heavily relate to this so umm teehee giggles

🗒️notes: gender neutral reader ofcofc, not really anything else huhhh reader is bpd coded a little me thinks

🪲Pest x A very possessive S/O ⋆.˚

The beetle boy finds your behavior amusing. He likes watching you scare strangers off with a stern stare or a more... ‘bold’ approach (barking 100% teehee). Although Pest can handle anyone bothering them with ease, they like to sit back and watch you work your magic. Not only do they find it cute, but your methods work 99.99% of the time soooo BONUS!!!

Your quickly changing attitude can be a little confusing for them but Pest is a very adaptable person which makes everything a whooooole lot easier. Since you’re quite the unpredictable person, Pest likes to play a little game with themself in their head and guess what you’re going to do next. And fyi he’s usually wrong. NEVER LET THEM KNOW YOUR NEXT MOVE 😎

Pest can be hard to read so it’s a little unclear whether he’s being neutral or actually irritated, so you have a little look you give each other as an okay for you to step in. Though if Pest is obviously bothered by someone you’re going right up to them and doing what you do best without warning

They enjoy your sweet side, too. The way you pamper him and give him your undivided attention makes him feel like the only person in the WORLD. Pest doesn’t show his appreciation through words but more so through actions. Swiping something you wanted but couldn’t afford off a store’s shelf, silently listening to you vent or rant WITHOUT offering unsolicited sarcastic advice, or even burning your favorite music onto a cd. Yes they know how to do that

If you manage to get your hands on any electronics Pest will ALSO gladly pirate games and movies for you too. As long as he can play them ofcofc, that stuff’s hard to come by in the elevator

Pest isn’t much different from you in a way. If the roles are reversed and someone happens to be annoying YOU... if you haven’t already handled it, Pest 100% will. Though they don’t have to put in much effort to be intimidating, it’s all the same. You get really really visibly happy whenever he does it and that’s one definite way you can get the beetle to blush lol

Honestly there’s nothing Pest doesn’t like about your possessiveness. It’s just a big bonus in dating you. Sometimes you can get a little too ahead of yourself and get way too heated, but that’s nothing Pest can’t fix with a little kiss :]

[fitzs-trained-monkey]

Uh uh uh can i pls get a headcanon style post of finn dealing with his s/o's bipolar or borderline personality disorder? I was really touched by how u did ur autistic s/o kol post and it made me so happy and i feel like ud do other disorders/not "normal" things well bc ppl hardly do things out of the norm for x readers lol. But if its too hard im fine with just finn x autistic!reader djdjjdndnd its ok if u dont vibe with the req u dont have to do im happy with ur usual posts! Thank you!!!! 💚💚💚

Infinitely Ordinary

Finn Mikaelson x BPD!reader Headcanons || Here lies my Masterlist

Warnings: None

A/N: Please listen to Infinitely Ordinary by the Wrecks while you read this. You won't regret it.

Let's get one thing straight, right off the bat.

You're not an attention-seeker. 

It's not that you crave validation or anything, it's just that people have so many expectations of how you should behave. Is it really that big of a crime for you to wish you were a little less bland?

Seriously, you live in a town populated by vampires, doppelgangers, hunters, witches, werewolves, and hybrids. And sure, you're not actually involved with any of that - which is great because you like being alive, actually - but it's just that…

Well, this is your life… and you feel like a side character.

When you were little, you never had a lot - never felt like you did anything exciting -  so you made up a lot of stories. 

You got really, really good at it. Yet, you stopped once you grew up a little bit and realized that everyone is actually pretty ordinary and you don't always have to stand out in order to be seen. You stopped because life was normal.

Until it wasn't.

As things got crazier in Mystic Falls, you started telling stories again. 

You made things up. You lied.  

You did it a lot.

Now, it was never anything bad - never anything harmful. You just wanted to be better. You didn't want to be slow, didn't want to be boring, didn't want to be left behind. You didn't want to be annoying or any inconvenience to… well to anyone.

So you just lied.

And, slowly, quietly, without you even really noticing - things got out of hand.

You didn't just tell lies. You started living them.

You said you liked things and people that you didn't. (You went out drinking with Damon Salvatore, who you absolutely despised, and he would always order you bourbon because you'd said that was your favorite too even though you would honestly rather just have a Coke.) 

You told people that you'd been to places and cities you'd never so much as thought about visiting. (Then you spent hours researching literally everything you could possibly learn about those places in case someone asked you about them. You had to maintain the lie.)

You made up an entire personality - several of them. You became someone you simply weren't.

You went places you didn't want to go. Like the Mikaelson Ball for example.

That was where you met him. 

It was so odd because he noticed you and you weren’t even doing anything. You were just standing at the bar, frowning into the drink Damon had ordered for you. 

“Are the drinks not to your liking?” He just wandered up to you and asked. 

Turns out, that one question was all you needed to break. You started panicking in the middle of the foyer. There were too many people around and too many people you needed to be all at the same time.

You didn’t even know his name but he took you out to the gardens of that mansion and you probably scared him out of his wits when you started screaming. You just had to get it out. Luckily, the Mikaelson’s had soundproof walls.

He just sat next to you with a hand on your shoulder until you finished screaming. 

“Can I tell you something?” You’d asked. “You can’t tell anyone else.”

He just shrugged. “I have no one to tell.”

You ended up spilling the whole bloody story - all the lies you’d ever told and how sick you were of keeping up with them. You told him how trying to keep track of what lies you’d told to who was like riding on a carousel that never stopped spinning. You told him how empty you felt all the time. You told him how you felt like you were slowly going insane.

“I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

And somehow, he’d said exactly what you needed to hear.  

“I don’t think who or what you are is important so much. It's what you do that matters.”

“And what should I do?” 

“Perhaps… tell the lies that make you happy. Then go from there.” 

“Is that what you do?”

He smiled. “Most days.”

Then you went home and that was that. Or so you thought. 

You started seeing him around more often. Every time you saw him, you remembered what he’d said. His words, it turned out, made you rather happy and the changes from there came slowly. You stopped hanging out with people you hated. Stopped accepting things you didn’t want.

You asked him on a date before you asked him his name. The two of you went mini-golfing and it was spectacularly ordinary. 

The two of you go on a lot of walks. They help you clear your head. It gets noisy in there sometimes. Luckily, Finn is a great listener.

You didn’t really stop lying exactly, but you started telling more truths and that was significant you thought. 

His siblings make fun of both of you for being boring. He reassures you that's better than destroying yourself trying to be something you're not.

You didn’t really realize that your mood swings were actually mood swings until you met Kol. The two of you react to each other like thermite reacts to ice. That is to say - you can’t be in the same room for any amount of time without trying to tear one another’s throats out.

“Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP!!!”

You would deck that kid if not for Finn. He had to pull you out of the room. He looked very concerned. Which was nice but you couldn’t understand why.

“Do you need to go somewhere to calm down?”

“Why? I’m not actually mad. He was just talking too much.”

It was Finn who suggested you go talk to someone. That was when you were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Yet, he never judged you for it. 

Provided you stayed away from Kol, your mood swings typically remain confined to less violent emotions. You get really excited over the smallest things and Finn thinks it is the purest thing he’s ever seen.

Both of you fear that the other is going to leave. In fact, when he told you what Esther was planning to do, you nearly lost your mind. 

After spacing out for three hours or so, you made it your mission to throttle that witch. You told her she couldn’t kill him - that you weren’t afraid to kill her again if she tried. And it was true. You really weren’t afraid to kill in order to keep Finn around. 

In hindsight, threatening the woman who created vampirism probably wasn’t a great idea. She threw you off the upstairs balcony. 

Unfortunately for her, Finn saw the whole thing. You were willing to fight for him, whether it be his siblings or his mother. 

He would return the favor. No matter the cost.

Tagging: @yn-ymn-yln@r13mar@rootbeerfaygo @iiskittles16ii @fandomrulesall-blog @dark-night-sky-99@railingsofsorrow@apolloroid@thatweirdoleigh@misswe03@eat-cake@felinegrate@cute-freak27@fayeatheart@archangelslollipop@aonungs-tsahik@sleepneverheardofher@heartbreakgrill@whatsupb18 @enchantedlandcoffee @trikigirl271@dreamingwithrafe@her-violent-delights@witchcraftandgeekness @dreamingwithrafe@acixsracix@susannahmikaelson Comment or DM me if you want to be added to my tag list!

[sawtual]

Hello max sawtual you are the only normal bitch abt Steven universe . Tell me abt why u like lapis, do you have any particular dynamics or ships u like for her? Or is she just crazy crazy <3 thoughts on Jasper in relation to Lapis?

thank you for bestowing the most unhinged insane title upon me 💖 I'll wear it with pride

i loooove lapis cuz shes a messy as hell trauma survivor. shes going through shit and she will be making it other peoples problems and i love her for it. shes another one for the BPD baddie crew and nothing anyone says will dissuade me from this belief.

my fave dynamics are definitely her and steven and her and peridot. i love how stevens her One Friend. literally the only person she trusts for quite a while. i really see them as a little brother + big sister dynamic, where he wants to be around her and looks up to her so much but shes SUCH a mess and so she often will just try and close herself off from him, because of this self loathing.

LOVE her relationship with peridot, fuck the haters ^_^ i really adore how she slowly warms up to her, from outright hostility, to cold indifference, to a neutral coexistence, until finally forming genuine care and affection for peridot, despite everything 💖 i wish sooo badly we got to see them fuse 💔 i think it would have been a really cool moment to see lapis open herself up to that kind of vulnerability with someone she trusts, and see peridot have grown from someone disgusted by fusion, to open to trying new things 🥺 SIGH!

i think jasper and lapis are sooo messy for real. my genuine opinion which i don't get why it's unpopular tbh, is i don't think lapis did anything wrong when she formed malachite 💖 jasper was literally forcing her to fuse, she was trapped with no way to escape, IDK i just think the whole situation was incredibly triggering for her, so it caused her to fight (she literally tried flight 😵‍💫). i do really enjoy the intricacies of their dynamic though and if it wasnt more of a sore spot i think id enjoy analyzing their dynamic and interactions a lot more, ALAS i am afflicted by being in the fandom when it was at the peak of popularity and and thus slightly affected by the fandom agony + my own issues at the time. oh well, ill always have other toxic wlw to pick apart like lab rats

[raccoon-queer]

OUGH that is so interesting thank u for sharing sdmjnhdkjdsjhdkjfd-im in ap psych but ik they wont get that detailed😔 -💫

oh yeah AP psych is not the best imo. I took it last year and I have issues with their abnormal psychology unit, they had wayy too much ableism directed towards NPD/ASPD and then barely even fucking mention BPD/HPD/literally any other personality disorder. I mean, I'm not naïve enough to think that they wouldn't be ableist bc psych (derogatory), but still :/

also the ableism towards psychotic disorders?? they pretty much reduced psychotic disorders to schizophrenia and then reduced schizophrenia to hallucinations. they did mention other symptoms, but then my teacher showed this documentary that was very iffy

I will say that my teacher did do one very good activity though: she put out sticky notes and told everyone to take some and write down on each one a disorder that someone you know has. no writing names, no writing your name, just the disorder. and then she put them all up on the wall and just... damn. it covered an entire wall

but yeah AP psych can be good if you have a good teacher or it can be awful if you have a bad one. mine was somewhere in the middle - she was very good with less demonized disorders and was very good with queer stuff even though she is not queer herself, but she was verrrry iffy with NPD/ASPD and psychotic disorders

(obligatory disclaimer that there could be slight variations of how AP psych is taught depending on your teacher, even if the curriculum is very rigid)

[gab-has-adhd]

i was the last anon... omg u replied!! did not expect that tbh 😭😭 & yeah i don't *actually* hate illumi, in fact i think it'd be near impossible atp because. a) he's way too relatable + b) i adore his character, and his family and his everything bc of how complex he is. he's amazing. stunning. jaw-dropping. horrendous. terrible. terrifying. all at once & I Appreciate Him So Much (tm) for it :]

also speaking of illumi... i am so interested in kikyo. like ik a lot of people in the hxh fandom find her irritating (she is sometimes) but she's a mother too - specifically the zoldyck's mother - and i think as a character, she would have such an in-depth backstory that we haven't even gotten into yet (at least from where i'm currently at rn in the manga lmfao.. manifesting the future chapters give us more abt her bc i Need to know everything about her history in meteor city 🙏)

another thing abt ur reply - UR SO RIGHT ABT WANTING TO BEHAVE LIKE ILLUMI 🙁🙁 as someone who relates to his trauma & thought process, me and him cld not be more different fr. i am too Fiery. i get into too much Trouble for losing my temper at the Worst times. illumi tho?? he looks emotionless (even tho he's not) but i need that kind of detachedness to get around w my daily life 😭 god made me traumatized but not cold as ice How is this fair Please i need a life refund T___T

im so sorry omg i keep writing essays in these asks 🙁 anyways i also hope u have a great morning/day/evening!!! its almost 12am i need to get back to studying for exams LMAOO hope ur doing well tho (drink water bff)

Hi again anon! 🌸 thank you for sending me another ask ufufufu it's almost 5 am for me but it seems I'm going to hae a sleepless night aGAIN for some reasons gnsngmsmcj

Good luck for your exams! I sincerely hope you'll be successful <3 and please never worry about sending me essays hahaha I love it very much 💕

I agree so much with you on Kikyo! I am usually not very big on female characters for some reasons but kikyo is so cool! I need to know more about her! I like her fucked up personality though lmaooo she is a Zoldyck indeed 🙏 like yes she IS irritating but it's because she literally is the MOTHER in a FAMILY OF ASSASSINS I think at this point every Zoldyck is allowed to be irritating LOL

I truly hope Togashi will give us more about her. She's from Meteor City after all, who knows what crazy things happened to her back there! Also I desperately need to know how she met Silva and how they fell in love.

Where are you currently in the manga? Just wanna make sure I don't drop any spoiler material if you send me more asks ufufu!

ALSO OMG I FEEL YOU SO MUCH ABOUT NOT BEHAVING LIKE ILLUMI. Like sure he probably behaves like this because he was deeply traumatized but... look I have ADHD and BPD, nature wasn't very nice with me. The combination makes me extremely impulsive, extremely emotive and very easily angered. My behavior is basically an emotional rollercoaster LMAOOO I just wish I was able to keep a cold face like Illumi 😭 who knows maybe his emotions are wild in his brain but at least he's able to completely conceal them. This is a skill I would appreciate having.

Instead my traumatized dumb ass self decided to gift me the ability to hide my upset-ness until I eventually explode. Which is. A pretty unhealthy behavior LMAO but I'm working on it :)))

Who knows, maybe one day Illumi is going to explode too 😶 not saying I actually want him to explode but somehow I think I would get so emotional if it ever happend to him. Like. Illumi breaking down nervously and. IDK crying maybe. This sounds wildly out of character but wow...

[usaigi]

Marc, Jake & Steven

Lunar sys au character cards | Read all chapters on ao3

Continuation of Birdy calling their dad, Marc finds out

CW: referencing past suicide attempts and past suicide idealization (does not go into detail), discussing mental illness, joking about mental illness

Birdy Spector Tuesday – 3:12 PM

Attachment: Fullhouse-Only-It’s-In-My-Head.ppt Lunar-sys.docx image_642.jpeg

I made the powerpoint when we first started seeing our therapist but some of the information has changed. At the time, I only knew about Marc, Steven, Jake, and myself. 

Steven and I made another document with some info about the others 

I know SMJ made another document that’s like a history/timeline of everything we’ve been through but they won’t show it to me 😒

Which is bs because I literally have all the trauma for trying to unalive ourselves but they think I can’t handle it 

Elias Spector – Tuesday 5:26 PM

Thanks. Is it ok if I show this to my therapist? Also, I finished reading two books you recommended, we can talk about it next time you can call. 

The cat is very cute. 

Sorry to ask but

Since leaving home

Did you attempt again?

Birdy Spector – Wednesday 11:32 AM

Yeah, that's fine

Not me, just Marc I think. He’s doing better though. 

Probably lol 

Jake’s really good at keeping us safe

He;s funny, Jake made him a jar and now Marc has to drop a dollar every time he makes a joke about dying lmao

Also whenever Daniela is mean 

or anyone says someone mean about themselves

Although

It’s less funny when he makes me do it 😒

Elias Spector – Wednesday 12:57 PM

I’m just glad you’ll are safe now

I understand you dislike labels but just for my comprehension, is it safe to say that you didn’t have BPD and/or Bipolar disorder? Was it just different alters fronting?

Birdy Spector - Wednesday 4:46 PM

Not sure 🤷🏼 

What gets confusing is that while yes we are separate alters and all but we do all share the same brain, body, hormones, etc. And even when we’re not fronting/co-con, we can still have influence 

So its hard to tell if we are acting a certain way because of another disorder or if its related to DID

Steven and I were reading about how childhood trauma shapes dna, brain development, how bodies react, etc it’s wild ngl

Maybe depression with mixed features? We’re testing out some new mood stabilizers to see if they help. Not everyone is good at logging the effects/side effects Steven and I are the only ones that are super consistent but I don’t actually front that often. It’s sooo exhausting trying to get everyone on the same page 😩   

And it’s not that I don’t like labels, I justthink it was super frustrating how doctors would keep throwing whatever label at us and just hoped it’d stick

I felt like I was hoarding mental illnesses lmao like damn lunar sys leave some for everyone else

U know anyone who wants some? Currently got a buy one get one free special lmao

Elias Spector - Wednesday 4:48 PM

I imagine that’s difficult. How have you been doing otherwise?

Birdy Spector - Wednesday 4:50 PM

I joined Steven and Marc for some sessions this week. Three times a week is too much. since I was there we talked about the stuff that happened when we were younger. Jake was also there, but he only watched

EMDR is terrible, I hate it so much 

But…

It’s easier to open up to the psychologist after talking to you about it first

But I’ve been fighting with Marc less so that’s probably good. Although he still won’t tell me about what he remembers and he even forbid Steven from telling me too. Jake has always been weird about it and Daniela is still pretty scary

Can you please tell me?

Elias Spector - Wednesday 5:05 PM

Be patient with Marc. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, I think it’s best if you talk to the others about it. 

Marc isn’t scooping, he’s totally fine with his alters having boundaries and privacy. He just happened to come across Birdy’s email account–which she stayed signed into–and stumbled across a chat thread with who else but Elias Spector. 

His vision turns red, scrolling through dozens and dozens of messages, images, and call receipts. The earliest message is dated just over 6 weeks ago, although the first couple of messages imply that they were already in contact before then. 

‘Steven. Steven! Steven!!’ Marc yells out internally, hoping to wake Steven up from wherever he is in the inner world. 

‘What?’ He says grouchily, slowly stepping towards the front. 

‘Look at this shit. What the hell was she thinking? Did you know she was in contact with our dad?’ Marc says as Steven takes control of the body to look at the screen. 

‘Marc, you need to calm down,’ Steven says, still working his way through all the messages, he can feel Marc in the headspace making trenches from pacing around so much. 

‘How dare you tell me to calm down? I can’t even trust my own fucking alters to not go behind my back. This is fucking Khonshu all over again!’

‘What’s going on, are you doing something dumb?’ Jake jumps in, suddenly appearing in the front conference room, as if he appearing out of thin air. He must have sensed their stress level rise. 

‘Respectfully Jake, go fuck yourself. This isn’t about you.’ Marc snaps back, irritated he had the nerve to stick his head into this. 

‘It looks like Birdy has been a messaging dad. Talking on the phone too, I think.’ Steven tells him, essentially ignoring all of Marc’s wishes. 

‘She what? ’ Jake asks in disbelief, getting closer to the front to get a better look at the messages in question. 

‘That sneaky little bra–’  

‘Marc, stop it. I’m mad too but I won’t let you talk about her that way.’ Jake interrupts him in his tracks. 

‘Oh of course you’re on her side. She’s always hiding behind you. And we all know you’re an expert at making decisions behind our backs, aren’t you? Tell me, what other secrets have you been hiding from us? Was it actually you that got me kicked out of the military?’ Marc rages with an exasperated outrage, arms wrapped around himself, taking careful steps backwards. Keeping his back against the wall. 

Jakes glares at Marc over that comment, standing his ground, he shouts back, ‘Ok fine! Maybe this is my fault! Sorry I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth about our childhood! You don’t think it hurt me when she talked about how nice and protective her dad was when my dad failed us?’ 

‘Maybe we all need to take some deep breaths, yeah? I can make us a cuppa–’

‘Steven, your endless optimism and desire to make everything ok is exhausting sometimes. Can you please just shut it?’ Marc says, in a low bitter voice. 

In response, Steven shut the laptop close, dropping his head to his hands, ‘Fine! Then I guess I won’t share what I think!’

‘What do you think?’ Jake asks with a heavy sigh. 

‘Maybe… we should reach out to dad, it’s obviously helping Birdy. Looking over at his messages he seems accepting. And it looks like he’s in therapy too.’

Marc's knees buckle as his breathing rises, ‘I can’t believe this. Steven, what happened to system cooperation? I can’t believe you’re siding with her.’

‘I’m not siding with anyone.’ Steven replies calmly. 

‘Marc, stop it. You’re acting like our mother.’ Jake states sharply and it hits Marc like an asteroid. Marc's mouth opens in shock, his eyes glare, almost as if he's going to attack back but he doesn't. His eyes, rapidly flashing from betrayal to anger to disgust to shame to fear. He slides down to the ground, wrapping his arms around his knee, dropping his forehead onto his forearms. 

Even Steven tenses up at that comment.

Exhausted, Jake pulls out his chair from the crescent conference table, pulls out a cigarette from his jacket, and places it between his lips. This is all fake– all of this is happening inside their head, but somehow, the smell of tobacco fills the body’s nostrils.��   

Jake lets Marc recollect himself for a bit before saying, ‘There are no sides, we are a system. If you yell at her, all the work we’ve done to get her to open up will be for nothing. Tell me, who does Birdy remind you of?’ Jake asks in a stern but calm voice. When Marc doesn’t reply, he says, ‘She acts like we did at that age. Time has always been fuzzy for me but I remember feeling like I had no control over anything. Like adults were quick to dismiss all my problems. I’m guilty of this shit too, I’ve fed into her delusions about how great our dad was and how our mom was too sick to visit her in the hospital. I kept telling myself I was protecting her innocence but maybe I fucked up. 

‘I still do that shit with Kid. I know he’s confused but I can’t explain it to him. Maybe I am protecting him, or maybe I’m just trying to protect myself.’ 

The three of them let words seep, processing Jake's words and the situation. It feels like all the hard work that Marc has done to try to heal, not just suppress, has been for nothing, he still felt like a scared child, abandoned by his parents.

‘Maybe...' Steven says, once some of the initial tension calms down, 'we should think about how our alter didn’t feel comfortable talking to us first before sneaking off to talk to dad. Be honest Marc, how would you have reacted if she asked you for permission?’  

‘I would have blown her off…’ Marc mumbles, still hiding his face in shame. 

‘Yeah, and I wouldn’t have been any better…’ Jake sighs. 

‘Steven, I know you want to talk to dad, I know you don’t see him like I do. But his…indifference almost killed us,’ Marc says softly. 

Steven pauses, before warily saying, ‘I think… there’s no growth living in the past and maybe… closure would be good for us.’

[sehnsuchts-trunken]

I was wondering if I could get a match-up for lotr & hobbit, and Goldren Trio hp? :D (if you don’t feel like doing both hobbit and lotr I understand! I would be happy with just one<3)

Me: I am a she/her straight female, lean muscular build, 5’6, enfp, and touch is my love language :)

Personality: My humor varies from super wholesome to vulgar as can be, and I laugh at most jokes. I’m a crazy people pleaser, and a wild over-thinker. I can be good at reading emotions, but I can also be awful at it lol- a hothead, daredevil, and I can talk my friends out of trouble, usually taking the fall. I show many symptoms of anxiety and bpd, but I don’t like therapists or doctors so I’ve never been diagnosed, NOR DO I CLAIM TO HAVE EITHER! I’ve been forced to grow up fast, and I’ve always been the ‘dad’ of the group. Im also an adrenaline junkie, so I often to reckless things just to feel alive

Hobby: I like to draw, not very good at it tbh, and I also like to do models, specifically paper ones. 

Interests: I’m super into video games, and have shelves upon shelves of books in my room. Me and my family have always been super into television, and I hope to be in the film industry one day (anything from actor to director) 

Aesthetic: though I would love to radiate the chaotic academia (and I kinda do), I have always dressed like kind of a 80-90s skater? Baggy and messy clothes

I wanna include my music taste cause it says a lot abt a person in my opinion! I listen heavily to Arctic Monkeys, and I love alternative rock and indie. But I enjoy literally all kinds of music, yes, even some country (OLD COUNTRY WAS GOOD OKAY-)

I hope I didn’t write too much I tend to ramble😭. Thank u and I ur having a wonderful day ✨

sorry, I don't do matchups anymore! feel free to come back if and when I open them again though

[laurenbloomed]

I’m a little bit foggy thinking lately. Like after last night’s episode I have so many emotions on me, that’s an issue i literally relate so much to a character and i get so invested to the show and the characters that i literally feel through them and that makes me feel angry, mad, sad, depressed, etc, whatever they might be feeling. I’m so mad about the whole agnes, casey and gladys situation and also about the fact that they ruined casey and lauren’s relationship. I do understand casey’s reaction and his points, he called her out and he is right but i was expecting the usual thematic, he is mad but understanding at some point. I think that was what made me think foggy about the fact i didn’t like his reaction by this being said doesn’t mean i think his reaction was wrong. I was expecting something else. Also what made me more even mad and sad was the fact he went all defensive literally cutting her off and then there was no space to lauren to explain and the worse is casey got fired in the end and everything was just left out???? i don’t know i missed a conversation, a figure things out, a friends chat, lauren and casey friendship at all.

I also know lauren messed up, since he had a mental breakdown and decided to make this “donation” i felt everything will be falling apart and she will have to face the consequences but i also feel she was blinded by abandonment issues, by being completely in love with someone, she was scared of losing leyla (even though probably doing what she did would be way worse in leyla) she didn’t want her to go away because everyone leaves in the end. She was just scared. I ain’t justifying her actions but the feelings she might be feeling. I relate so much to this character because i have adhd, i have abandonment issues i have BPD and i do deal with these feelings and even if she acted impulsively, her actions weren’t with bad intentions but in the end they were completely selfish and the fact she lied to leyla about the fact that “it was all on her” and that she didn’t have to do anything with it makes it worse. Also i think about the reaction that she’s gonna have, i’m scared and i have been anxious about it. I’m really invested in the show that my mood depends on each episode.

anyways i haven’t even had the guts to rewatch it as i do every wednesday with the tuesday episode. I’m shock, blocked, mentally foggy literally i cannot even think about anything else just anxiety and a mix of other emotions towards all what happened in the episode.

Anyway that bye thanks if u read this im on my feelings. (they gotta pay for my therapy)

ALSO i have been overthinking a lot about what’s going to happen with leyla when she finds out? like is she gonna be able to forgive lauren? what’s gonna happen to lauren? i’m anxious about that too and i’m anxious to get to episode 10 where we gonna know finally all of this. Anyway.

[rinnepegger]

hello hello i saw u had a matchup event going on so >:] also ! be as mean u want to me i thrive off of lighthearted bullying 😋 /hj

so i would like to request a matchup for twst ! my favorite genre of music is probably alt/indie ig ?? [arctic monkeys, keshi, cavetown] also quite partial to j-pop tho lol [eve, yonezu kenshi]

at the top of my head i can only remember this one time that i like ?? was playing w these other girls at recess and they were all doing handstands so i was peer pressured into doing it with them and just . fell on my back and got the wind knocked out of me 🤡🧍‍♀️

then i was sobbing and telling the teachers to make sure they tell my parents and sisters that i loved them bc i genuinely thought i was abt to die lmfaooo 😭 the stupidity was real when i was in 4th grade ig 💀💀

i don't rlly animals tbh but cats r cuter than dogs sorry dog lovers 😕❗

generally i find that i like ppl who are reasonably smart, like they don't have to be a genius but they can't be like,,,, too stupid for this world ☹️ i also like ppl who will be mean to me in a teasing way bc i show my affection the same way 😼 we gotta be on the same wavelength y'know 😫⁉️ but at the same time they gotta respect my boundaries and understand my emotionally stunted self bc like,,, bpd tingz 😟‼️ (hELP THE EMOJIS MAKE ME SOUND FAKE IM NOT I SWEAR JUST COPING HUMOR IDKBWJJXKS)

i've never attended a christian all girls school but i did attend a co-ed catholic school 🤷‍♀️

and i sleep w two pillows and like eight stuffed animals bc u can never be too old 😍😍

n e ways thanks for reading through this mess of an ask/matchup request i hope u have a good rest of ur day/night >:]

Genuinely, and I don't mean this in a bad way BUT THE BPD TINGZ IS SO FJCKING FUNNG???? IDKY? But thanks for participating YAYYYY. You say you like someone smart and not too stupid for this world,,,, but you thought you were about to die... AT FOURTH GRADE?!?? you've got to be joking. ANYWAY here's your matchup YAYYYYYY 🎊🎊🎊

I match YOU WITHHHH 🥁🥁🥁🥁....

JAMIL VIPER !!!!

He's not too emotionally open, so he's definitely a tough one to crack. However, once you have him attracted to you, he's on his hands, knees, anything for you.

He's pretty fun to poke fun at, given that he's constantly denying the blush creeping up his neck as he pulls on the strings of his hoodie to hide his embarrassment.

Always up for whatever playful banter you have in store for him that day, or whether your mental health decided to take the wheel that day. Honestly, he's really sharp when it comes to these kinds of emotional problems and can pick up on the slightest shift in your personality.

Canon that he's really fucking good at cooking so if you need your comfort food that day to help cheer you up, he will somehow produce a carbon copy of your favourite comfort food.

In terms of his love language, it's pretty obvious that he leans more towards acts of service and words of affirmation. Having grown up as Kalim's servant from start and probably finish, it's only natural that he convey his love to you through his actions!

When it comes to physical affection, he's not the best an initiating it; if you crave his touch then you're the one who has to make the first move. Not that he dislikes it or anything, he just doesn't want to die of embarrassment LOL. However if a tiring day really starts to take a toll on him, expect arms snaking around your waist and his head tucked into the nape of your neck. He's craving your touch after a long, tiring day and who's gonna hate it when your boyfriend is being so adorable?

He's pretty reliable when it comes to academics and he's more than willing to offer his services to you, though it may or may not come with a price ;)

He's pretty much ready for your bullshit shenanigans every day though it might result in him getting a migraine. But hey! Anything for your beloved partner (i guess lol).

Literal power couple: chaotic idiot x somewhat serious idiot! Spectacular couple yayyy

[sunsetsover]

Just hopping on the anons last week who said they'd done reading around BPD and Ben etc after reading your posts to say... when Whitney told Ben he makes everything about himself in this week's eps I immediately thought of you! Like lemme explain lmao I remember last year you wrote about how lots of fans said Ben was making everything about him when him and Callum had that argument about the warehouse job in Sept.? And you wrote about how you viewed it and how looking at Ben through a lense of mh goes a different interpretation etc. Idk Whitney saying that just made me recall your thoughts on the fandom saying the same thing lmao.

(although tbh I didn't think Whitney was v fair saying that anyway bc how was he meant to know Callum had witnessed a stabbing etc?? He wasn't making it about himself he was simply worrying about the info he had access to???)

no joke i literally thought the exact same thing after i watched it yesterday. not the post (tho i do remember what you're talking about!) but i was like 'oh ben's behaviour is VERY bpd' like probably the most obvious example we've had since 2019 maybe and then i was like man.... how many people are going to have Bad Takes abt ben's behaviour and how he's 'selfish' and then i was thinking abt what whit said and it reminded me of something i heard once and i've tried to find it but i can't and i'm gutted bc it made so much sense but it was abt how bpd are often viewed as selfish or making everything abt us but we do that bc we literally feel like everything IS because of us/our fault. it's literally a Symptom. like when you're hypersensitive and terrified of everyone abandoning you EVERYTHING feels personal.

like someone's in a bad mood? clearly i have done something to put them in a bad mood. someone doesn't reply? clearly they hate me. you smile at someone in public and they don't smile back? clearly they can sense something is Wrong with me and didn't want to engage. either that or they think i'm hideously ugly. that's the default assumption, that it's somehow something to do with me. not that they're going thru their own shit or that they're busy or tired. and then when we're talking abt someone you're close too, the fear of abandonment comes into play where you either start to push them away bc you're convinced they're gonna leave anyway or frantically do things or change things to help convince them to stay, and both of these can go very extreme. and ofc it's not logical but we can't help it. i'm always saying this to people in my life: i know how i'm feeling/what i'm doing isn't logical and it doesn't make sense, but i literally can't help it. it's like the sensible you is locked in the back of your brain forced to witness all of your own bs but they're literally powerless to do anything about it.

which is also why i can understand under the hysteria of your own fear of abandonment and hypersensitivity why ben could convince himself callum was gonna leave him for whitney. like ofc i get why ppl would find that unrealistic and offensive, but i can't NOT see him as bpd, and when you have bpd that fear of abandonment is so so incredibly pervasive that you start thinking things like that and convince yourself that they're real. like you genuinely believe them. and someone of sound mind is like 'that doesn't make any sense, he's gay' but like.... that almost is irrelevant to a certain degree. your own belief that you're so unlovable and that everyone is going to leave you holds SO much weight in your mind, more than even reality itself.

like you could almost compare it to hallucination. reality and logic dictates that it's impossible for there to be a man crawling on the ceiling, but if you can see it and hear it and feel it then ofc you're going to believe it's real. reality and logic become irrelevant bc you KNOW it's there, even though it isn't, u know? it's the same kind of thing: reality says ofc callum isn't gonna propose to whitney when he's married and literally gay, but that all-consuming fear of abandonment is so much louder when it says 'he's lying, he's sneaking around w his ex, he's not talking to you about anything, he's got a ring, ofc he's gonna propose to her, she didn't ask him to quit his job or force him into a position where he had to lie for months, ofc he was gonna leave, he just married you out of pity, this is all your fault, you don't deserve happiness or love bc you're a bad person lmao what did you even expect?' etc u know

if i'm being completely honest if i were in ben's shoes i could EASILY see myself being convinced my gay partner is gonna leave me for their ex of the opposite sex. like worryingly easily. and tbh between that and what was going on with kheerat, i actually think he coped surprisingly well. like i genuinely thought that yesterday that if i was in his situation i probably would have reacted much worse and been in much worse a state than he was. and i'm not just saying that, i think his growth since 2019 is obvious in how tame his reaction to it all was tbh.

i realize probably no one will bother but if anyone really is interested and wants to understand more then u should watch this video. i've timestamped it at the first point bc if nothing else u should listen to that bc it helps explain what i've said in a much better way esp the example abt clearing out the garage but the whole video is really good and i would love for some ppl to watch it. like i know it's half hour and that's a long time and also the interviewer is obnoxious and p insensitive but the doctor herself is really good and explains everything i've been trying to explain in a MUCH better way than i ever could and i think it will really help you understand what it's like to be someone bpd and what it actually means for day to day life

like i realize i've completely gone off on one w this and im sorry but i have opinions and i just want people to understand you know?? not necessarily for ben as a character but for all the ppl out there w bpd bc !!!! no one gives a fuck abt us they just misunderstand us and then do literally nothing to try and understand us when we try to explain ourselves so to have ppl actually engaging in this dialogue w me makes me very excited and i try to explain as much as i can while i have the opportunity u know lmao so i very much appreciate you and getting messages like this thank you 💞💞💞

[mental-health-advice]

Hi! Sorry about my poor English but I really need an advice. I have bpd and my girlfriend is bipolar (we make a good couple I swear). Sometimes I lose control of myself and I become so destructive that is literally impossible to be around me; but in those moments the only thing that really helps me is feel loved and protected (even an heart-emoji text is gonna make a huge difference) and especially my gf is crucial, she is essentially the cure. The problem is that in those moments she kinda enters a “defensive mode” where she just stops feeling and talking and doing anything with me, I guess because she is afraid I’m gonna hurt her, emotionally and mentally speaking (this has already happened in the past, unfortunately), even if she just tells me that she doesn’t know what to do. But her reaction just hurts me even more, I fear even more that she is gonna leave me (even if she tells me she’s not) and I love her too much to lose her. I really don’t know what to do... can you just please give me advice? Thanks, really. Wish u a good day✨

Hey there,

Having borderline personality disorder can be really difficult and especially when we become destructive and lose control of ourselves/ our emotions. I have no doubt that you and your girlfriend make a great couple but it does sound like both your mental health conditions are having somewhat of an effect on each other. Hopefully I will be able to give you some helpful advice and ideas you may be able to try and implement to make your relationship even stronger no matter what you two may go through together!

When a loved one has BPD, it’s quite natural that they are afraid of being hurt by us even though it is not intentional, I guess a good way to put it is that those with BPD are often afraid of being left or abandoned by others and so need reassurances that this will not happen, the same can be said for those who know someone who has BPD only they are afraid of being hurt or have the blame put on them for something. There is unfortunately no easy fix to this but there are proven therapies out there that can really help those that have BPD.

For example DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) can be really helpful for those with BPD. DBT encourages the person to take more control of their actions and thought processes by helping them to be more in touch with themselves. There are four modules to DBT, distress tolerance, mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness and emotion regulation. I encourage you to check out our page on DBT for more information by clicking here. I personally think that DBT may be really beneficial for you to at least check out and give a go. It may also help to strengthen your relationship with your girlfriend with some of the modules that DBT focuses on.

I also encourage you to talk to someone when things get really overwhelming and you feel yourself about to self-destruct or losing control, you can even contact a counsellor at any time from either a helpline or on web counselling if this is easier. Sometimes it can really help to communicate with another when things get tough because it allows us to slow down a bit and really think about what is going on before we act on our impulses or how we feel.

Another suggestion if you haven’t already tried it is to try to just be upfront and honest with your girlfriend. Let her know that sometimes just receiving a heart emoji in a text message is really helpful for you and that it’s something that she can do for you without being around you if she doesn’t feel able to at the time. Just an idea!

I really hope that this has been helpful and please know that I am thinking of you! Please do also let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

Take care,

Lauren

[evyisaks]

i was diagnosed with bpd at 16 (i‘m now 21) and honestly my loved ones calling me insane/crazy happens. even if they know it’s my illness talking/acting, in the heat of the moment it’s not that easy to remember. i have accused my bf of cheating and he literally called me crazy for suggesting that. which u know it was crazy for me to suggest that he was cheating on me.

what does annoy me about the clip though is that cris leaves after calling joana crazy. because calling someone out for acting crazy is fine imo but then be there for them and show them that you understand that the craziness is caused by their illness

oh dear ... sorry for the spam i‘m in the mood to overshare apparently

Hiii! :) You don’t have to apologize at all for the spam. You’re always welcome on my inbox. :)

Thanks for sharing all of this with me and I def get what you’re saying. The word crazy itself is said a lot and it’s used to express different emotions, sometimes not referencing to someone’s MI. I do however feel that Cris should at least take into consideration that she just find out that Joana has a MI and that she was in the hospital. It’s almost like she said it not only because of the heated argument but also because she wanted to hurt Joana.

But with that said, i don’t want to speak over or speak for people who have BPD or a MI because I don’t have it myself and I don’t have any say in how people should feel. And everyone will experience it differently. I also agree with you about Cris leaving and not going after her, it wasn’t good at all and it only showed how not ready Cris is and how she doesn’t understand what’s going on with Joana

[catboyfeli]

Please tell me those smiley faces mean you are joking about that. Hard to read tone on the net, but I think, and hope, you are kidding to troll the new troll. If not, my worry meter is a little past 50 already but trying to remain calm in case you are kidding. Plz don't do it if you are not in fact kidding. I won't give you the old song and dance + confidence phrases, but I will say they just ain't worth it. Instead imagine them being flamed in the butt by Spyro or ate by a giant Pacman.

hey. sorry for freaking down

my ex friend of six years decided he hates me now because i have the wrong opinions, like yknow shipping incest and all that, and some other drama happened, but honestly just fuck him, thats not what really set me off, it just made it worse. on top of that, at that very moment i got his message, my account on quotev had been disabled and ip banned for no reason

turns out someone found my private rant account and reported me lmao. i said rping rape in private is ok and everyone was pissed. even tho it Literally Is okay and many csa victims use that to cope

they then proceeded to make fun of my stories on ao3 and just. people really love makin fun of depressed autistics that are actively suicidal just bc they have ~weird~ interests. i tag my incest ships for anyone whos uncomfortable with it so it’s hurting literally Nobody. i grew up in a conservative christian as hell family so god forbid i explore my sexuality via harmless fiction. also couldve been an incest victim as a child for all i know since i remember having a dream abt that when i was a kid lol

anyway! i was suicidal as hell, nearly self harmed, was planning on killing myself tonight, contemplated calling someone, but eventually decided to talk to my mom and she talked to me long enough for the mental breakdown to subside.

today has been hell. my bpd has reached its limits for today. i cannot grow any more numb. i need a nap and someone to cry on. thanks for caring btw.

when i feel better im totally writing something more fucked up out of spite. fiction is fiction and y’all are literal dictators getting people’s innocent accounts DELETED for having opinions u don’t like. antis are literally evil confirmed tho.

no hate comments on ao3 so far though. clearly im just too damn good for them to insult B) maybe i write weird shit but im damn good at it. y’all are just jealous i’m not in your fandoms.

yeah that last part is just an act. im dead inside. but im still writing ~bad~ stuff when i feel better out of pure spite.

also hey. lmk if you have any other social media. we should talk more. i might take a break from tumblr bc its Toxic so yeah

[oleaspur]

ummmwine replied to your post “zenkaiankoku replied to your post “i find it really interesting how...”

oh totally to all of that though, like, yeah i think ppl either smooth him over WAY too much &/or make him like, more stable than evan which is like??? they have Different Problems actually but connor is definitely the least okay / least okay to be around of all of them...but it's also like...clearly just as Off to interpret him as somebody who just acts out completely at random and is just Intensely Angry ALL THE TIIIME instead of yeah, him having this actual internal

OK im replying under the cut because this will be long but tl;dr YOURE RIGHT

process behind the stuff he does which like, from an outside perspective would clearly be unjustified or over the top or irrational etc etc etc...and tbh like interpreting him as like, slow to warm up to ppl and quick to draw back thx to paranoia or potentially actually sort of latching on to ppl too fast but it can also go sour rl quick All Thanks To Splitting is valid af and like!! we don't know cuz canon doesn't say anything about that kind of thing re him. liiiike

i think the difference between having a relationship w someone with something like depression and anxiety and with someone who has a disorder like bpd is that w/ depression and anxiety you can almost always take a step back. its not going to be the case that everything you do impacts them and that their response to your actions is going to be a public thing.. bpd for me at least is very loud. it takes up all the space it can possibly find, so every interaction Means something and every response you have to those interactions needs to serve some kind of a function and it needs to be Known. its why at least for me i tend to suffer more when i have close relationships with people, because youre constantly having that sort of connection. like im not saying its always a bad thing because the good times are! so good! but everything is horrible and intense All the time so it never feels like youre doing something wrong when youre acting out. its more like why DOESNT this matter to everyone else the way it should. 

the splitting thing just makes so much sense to me because i used to be the kind of person who would say like , really awful things to my family as a result of it. i dont ever want people to think im justifying what connor supposedly did but i think there Should be an explanation beyond hes just ‘a bad person’ or Vaguely troubled. there is a genuine attempt to reach out to evan, however minor, and i think that its way more compelling to treat him as someone who Does crave genuine connection w people and is just unable to approach it in a healthy way than anything else

i don't think that reference to that particular incident with zoe is meant to be like "there's a specific canon answer to what issue made connor act like this" but like i can so see that being more of legit paranoia fueling that problem somehow and just...like hghh again out of all the senior kids he'd definitely have the most work to do before he'd be able to have a good relationship either in terms of on his own end or re the other person's end of it...like obviously

there's the violence which is like. number one Got To Get Rid Of That Asap mostly for other ppl's sakes but then like. figuring out how to deal w the underlying crap would be more for his sake. like god that all of them were in therapy but also connor's problems definitely seem intense enough that he could probably stand to look into being medicated instead of having to self medicate cuz i figure that's what he's trying to do even if its kind of backfiring sometimes...

definitely definitely.. i could say a lot about why i think having connor and evan (or jared i suppose but i havent thought about that so much) bonding initially and then it going downhill because of a lack of an actual understanding of each other’s issues (and then both learning and coping separately IN ORDER to build an actual relationship with each other) is more interesting and genuine feeling than them Immediately helping each other and it actually working. but it would be long.. 

they all need to See Someone. + obviously medication is never the be-all end-all of any kind of mh treatment but for me personally therapy was never useful UNTIL i was on medication that actually helped regulate my moods first. the sort of things they talked about were never feasible for me because my moods dropped SO fast and because just being told to do things was so infuriating.. and so on. i definitely agree w the self-medication part i usually see that as connor trying to deal as best he can w something that no one else seems to understand or struggle with. sometimes it seems like the best way of coping w things is to try and detach urself from it . obviously that isnt healthy at all but when u dont know how else to deal w ur problems u find your own solutions :(

ANYWAYS the point is that like. first of all projecting shit Is Valid And Who Cares Anyways but in this case its probably also more accurate than what ppl write when they have no experience with such intense and unmanageable things and stuff that you really can't quite imagine accurately unless you know it firsthand already. and godddddd a trope i cannot stand is like, the 'i just need one good relationship and that will fix things / inspire me to choose to be able to

handle this and voila! i am handling it" like!!! i LOVE good relationships being mutually helpful and with this cast it's easy to see how they'd clash cuz they all do in canon!! but it's also ughh so easy to see how they could all understand and help each other even tho their specific problems are different when u zoom in enough. and like it's cool as hell if a relationship helps you / motivates you but it's not gonna fix everything and it shouldn't!! and like yeah with

connor i really see his shit as being involved in / close to the clinical psychotic types of issues. which yknow, people REALLY don't tend to know how to write if they don't have lived experience or really do a lot of good research anyways. like badly written anxiety is still probably gonna be closer to the mark than badly written delusions or smthing, idk. but anyways i am going ON AND ON and the point is. bpd connor is valid as fuck and i love that perspective on him

YEAH i think when i was younger i fell into that kind of writing as a sad sort of wish-fulfilment thing because it makes sense to want things to be that way. but its not helpful to people who relate to those characters, or realistic/healthy to want that sort of solution because it just doesnt exist

i think with personality disorders especially its hard because to a certain extent its like... it inhabits you. i was SO worried that once i started being able to deal w my mental health issues i would stop being a real person because like. it informed Everything in terms of how i approached the world. its hard to write something like that but like.. it all makes sense in your head. you have your own internal justification for everything even if you never reason it out and even if you couldnt possibly explain it in words you KNOW youre feeling this way for a reason and youre justified and should be feeling this way. its weird stuff

ANYWAY ty for this i LOVE talking about this kind of thing and literally everything youve said is so good and real.. connor is important to me even if he has barely any characterisation in canon lol

[loghainmactir]

hewwo! i was wondering if u could pls give me some advice on starting my transition? ive been so scared to start bc of family and costs but ive decided to just. do it. yknow? like if i don't ill probably die lol. u look amazing and rly confident in yourself in all ur selfies and one day i wanna be Like That ✌️❤️

hi! ok, so first of all: yeah, i absolutely can give u advice, and second of all: i remember feeling exactly like you did. it literally wasn’t that long ago, either, it was like. 2013/14/15 (i can’t remember, time is fake, whatever lmao!). third of all: bless u yr so sweet. i still have a lotta issues with confidence (i doubt myself, my talent and what i can do literally hourly), but honestly? i love my body right now. it’s a good, genderless body, goddamnit.

long, long post ahead bc i’m trying to think of things i did and good god please take it with a grain of salt because a lot of this is just me ranting about things i wish I’D done in my own position. i’m also coming from a place where HRT and surgeries AREN’T free, so that’s also A Thing. everyone’s experience is different.

transitioning (particularly medically) really super fuckin varies country by country (and honestly probably even state by state, age by age and fuckin gender by gender because cis people won’t let us fucking BE goddamn): i don’t know where you are, so my only tips there r: find a trans friendly doctor/endo (i was kinda forced to go through a hospital bc That Was How It Was here in good ol’ Australia), and one people wholeheartedly recommend, if you wanna go that route.

my first point is make sure you find safe spaces in every goddamn aspect of your transition. medically, socially, physically. if you think your doctor is refusing you treatment or is discriminating against you, you NEED to ditch that doctor. if your friends and family are really verbally or physically violent against LGBT folks, you NEED to leave that space if you can (or not come out and wait until you can leave. seriously. i’m kinda lucky– my grandma was verbally violent against LGBT folks, and initially my mum was skepitcal, but i convinced them both to go to a group for LGBT+ parents and friends and they slowly turned around). get yourself friends, get yourself allies.

i cannot stress that enough. my first doctor refused to send my referral letter to the royal children’s hospital gender clinic because even tho he presented as a “nice” guy, he believed that because this was “”””out of the blue”””” for me, he figured he’d just Not Send It (and tried to tell me that a lotta kids there didn’t actually helpo, lol). so there i was, a young 15-16 year old alister, waiting like 2-3 months for something that didn’t even get fucking sent.

join trans groups on facebook and in real life. seriously, they’re a godsend; there’s buy-and-sells, advice posts, encouragement posts. ESPECIALLY local ones. most of them on facebook are private, meaning no one can see if you’re posting/in the group, and it’s easy to check if they’re not. these fb pages + local groups are good ways to find trans friendly spaces and doctors. i found my current doctor, who’s actually one of the very few doctors who knows what the fuck he’s on about re: trans people, through a real life trans group. they were like “oh, you should see x”, and even though he’s about 30-40 minutes away from me, he’s brilliant and honestly saved my life.

along those lines: figure out what you want from your transition, and then realize & accept that this may change (and it also may not change!). very early on, i was super insistent that i wanted phalloplasty and to wear packers, and now i couldn’t care less. at first, i identified as agender, and then as a trans guy/ftm, and now i identify as a Black Hole (i’m kidding, don’t @ me). like, a lotta people DON’T change their minds. but i did, some people do, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own what you want to do with your body 

(sidenote: this also goes for detransitioning or stopping medical transition but continuing to socially transition/present differently. literally, it’s fine. it’s your body. fuck anyone who says otherwise.)

again: FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.

your body is literally your body. do NOT let anyone tell you what to do with it or who you are. i had people very early on scream at me (legitimately scream and throw me out of home, thanks grandma), tell me i wasn’t actually trans, and harrass me for this shit: but frankly, if i’d put myself back in the closet, i wouldn’t be alive right now. i would’ve killed myself years ago, and i wish i wasn’t kidding. if it’s safe, you need to stand up for your own body and your rights and put yourself somewhere that will allow you to follow through. you need to keep going and keep living.

my only other two pieces of advice are “patience, baby”– like, for real, every single part of transition takes time. this varies from where you are and who’s supporting you, but it’s generally true. it takes time for people to accept new names and pronouns 

(lotta people get furious about this, and i used to be one of those people, but hindsight’s a bitch and you gotta realize that… like, it’s hard for some cis people. you gotta give them a little bit of wiggle room, especially if they’ve never ever met a trans person before. it’s about reminders, reminders, reminders: which is SO hard if you’re not safe/don’t have the confidence. there IS a flip side to this though: if chad and stacey have known your new pronouns for months, now, and they keep “””slipping””” up, they’re not slipping up, honey. they’re doing it on purpose. kick their teeth in i’m kidding please don’t do this you know what i mean.)

it takes time for HRT to kick in. it takes time to gather a Look™ of your own you like, it takes time to build confidence to even tell people, it takes time to save up money for surgeries and it just… takes time. sometimes because it’s a naturally slow process, sometimes because cis people are Cis People and like to gatekeep. i remember being very young in my transition, sitting in the car after one of my appointments with the afformentioned shithead doctor bawling my eyes out because he’d told me i wouldn’t be able to access t for x amount of time and it was bullshit. this year i’ll be 2 years on t. wild, huh? there’s a lot of us and not equal amounts of resources (ESPECIALLY in public systems) depending on where you are, so you gotta be prepared to WAIT.

i’ll tell you what super helped me through those years: hyping myself up for other things! i still have the ticket from my first twenty one pilots show. that show meant SO much to me. i cried all through it, because waiting for that show kept my mind off of the wait for my royal children’s appointments (and even waiting to go up to melbourne bc my mum and i would go and get kebabs was a good thing to focus on!). keep things that aren’t trans related on hand (seriously i struggled with this because dysphoria and shit is fucking hard!! it’s easy to say but really fucking hard to put into practice).

(one day i’m gonna tell tyler and josh just how much they saved my goddamn life. i know they hear it weekly, but i will.)

my other thing is that uh. it won’t solve all your problems especially if you’ve got mental illnesses. this is a really fuckin depressing thing i had to drill into my brain, but it really helped. transitioning solved SO many of my issues. i no longer have back issues (thanks, like, literal kilo titties, lmao), i no longer have sore ribs and i can breathe and wear shirts. i lost so much weight (and am kinda gaining it back, but whatever). i no longer have anxiety about whether people can tell i’m binding– which is WILD because i used to stress the fuck out about it to the point where i never went out anywhere. i used to sit on the bus wondering if the person next to me could tell i had titties. now it literally doesn’t even register.

my issues now stem from PTSD, depression, BPD and ADHD. how do you fix this? you don’t. but what HAS helped is finding a therapist who won’t pressure you into talking about trans shit. lemme tell you: this shit gets exhausting after the fifth time of “oh i googled ‘can you become a boy’ when i was, like, nine” (this is my go to story because this memory is so vivid). of course, there’s gonna be moments where you HAVE to: my therapist recently actively asked me to briefly run through it for my PTSD report. but otherwise we literally haven’t talked about it and that is a GODSEND (because i don’t need it. if you need it, that’s good, too!). having a therapist that you can just wordvomit at wrt anything is literally the best thing and can be super helpful– seriously, there were a few trans-related sessions where i just snarled about the bullshit gatekeeping and the bastard i had to see for my therapist letter (oooh, every time i think abt the fact that it was something like $400-500 for two fucking sessions i get so mad lol), but outta 14 it’s really only like 2-3 of them.

but yeah. that’s it. i dunno, these are things that i’ve learnt and sorta… like to think as helpful for myself. of course, this could be different for you: you’re not me, you’re entirely different, in no doubt an entirely different country, social, financial, mental state. i was FUCKED UP when i first came out. i didn’t know that then, but i do now. i spent a lotta time by myself and that’s not healthy, so i really encourage you to reach out to our community, local and worldly, because oh my god, we’re here for you. we are SO here for you.

[fangirlinginleatherboots]

take ur time answering this bc I dont think I sent this in time for live asks but... how do u deal with ADHD, specifically rejection sensitive dysphoria? (ur my fave mental health advocate btw :) )

(ah thats so sweet thank you!!! also live asks generally just refers to quicker answers, ill answer stuff whenever i can get to it!)

since this is a part of ADHD not a lot of ppl know about, here’s a link that explains it pretty well  and discusses medication solutions. 

no joke but DBT therapy is great for rejection sensitive dysphoria. it really helps with rationalizing the emotion and countering it. the parallels between ADHD and BPD cause so many misdiagnoses and while it does matter in treatment which one is which, RSD, while unique to ADHD, is so similar to the fluctuating negative emotions of BPD that many of the approaches to coping with it will be similar as well! just keep in mind that with RSD, because it is a part of ADHD, it is the result of natural neurodivergency whereas BPD, while it does have a genetic component determining predisposition, is generally traumagenic in nature, thus the two will have vastly different long term treatments and reasons for why these similar emotional reactions are taking place.

the big thing is learning to recognize that that is what you are experiencing. like when that bad feeling hits, pause and examine if this is rejection sensitive dysphoria or if it is in response to something different.

if it is RSD, and yours manifests as externalized behavior (such as rage or breakdowns) remove yourself from the situation as soon as you are aware of your emotional state. once you are calmed down, then you can communicate better.

if your RSD manifests more internally, try to vocalize to the individual who triggered the feeling how their reaction affected you and how you would have liked them to respond. 

practice some mindfulness. focus on yourself, perhaps the achievement you wanted acknowledgment for, and self validate. this takes practice before it actually feels like it matters.

in cases where RSD is triggered by your own situation/lack of accomplishment/lack of success, that feeling can be avoided by rethinking how you approach goals. for instance, i used to tear myself apart for not finishing paintings in one go. i felt as though i had failed the task. by breaking the task up into smaller tasks, i feel accomplished for completing steps of the process rather than only feeling accomplished when i have a finished piece

i literally cannot stress the importance of learning self validation enough. learn to recognize yourself for the smallest steps of things you did. if you’re struggling, “sat up in bed” is just as big a deal as “wrote an email” and you have to learn to give yourself credit for that. its only when you validate yourself that others reactions have less control over your emotional state.

TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR! there are medication options as well as therapy options for dealing with RSD!!!! you are not alone and there are ways to cope with it and grow around it!