#i love that despite her journey by all means being about accepting the losses she has and will experience

[haunted-xander]

One thing I really love about Marcille is that despite her deep fear of outliving her loved ones, she never, never let's it get in the way of her making bonds and getting close to people. She loves deeply and strongly and she doesn't try to supress that! She embraces it wholeheartedly! Her friends are so important to her and she's not ashamed or scared of it!

Actually, out of all the characters, I'd say Marcille is one of the ones who care the most about bonds of friendship. She's angry at Namari for leaving after Falin got eaten and holds that grudge up until Namari helps defeat the Undine (and therefore having 'proven' herself). She's shocked and upset when Chilchuck explains his policy of payment and that he's not really here bc of friendship. She puts a lot of focus on the party being a Group Of Friends rather than a team of hired hands dedicated to the specific role(s) they are paid for. Which of course makes sense since she joined the party to begin with because of her friend! To her, the party has always been 'Falin and her brothers' friend group' rather than a hired party. (A little reminder: Marcille was the most recent member when the story starts. She never met the previous members who left so the team of Laios, Falin, Chilchuck, Namari and 'Shuro' is what she's always known it as.)

When she becomes dungeon lord, the thing that manages to snap her out of the Winged Lions grasp is the earnest care and love her party is showing her. Literally 'power of friendship'ed their way through the Lions hold and gave her her clarity of mind back.

And!!!! At the end of the feast right before they're about to attempt to revive Falin again, she says!!! this!!!!

She's ready to accept that Falin might not come back, even after everything. The entire story she's been running away from death, from having to outlive her loved ones (in this case: Falin). But here she is, ready to let her stay dead if this last attempt doesn't work.

And it's not giving up. It's realizing that she did all she could, and that it's okay. Because she still got to meet and be friends with Falin. That time with her might be just a speck in the length of life Marcille will have to live still, but it still happened and that's what matters.

It's not about escaping death; it's about cherising the moments before it.

[dunmesh]

can't stop thinking about dungeon meshi btw. how it comes down to being able to appreciate the hard and painful times because of the moments of happiness you experienced along the way.

it's about falin being able to forgive and look beyond the harsh way things were done- be it their father announcing he will send her away from the village or laios leaving her behind- partly due to her personality, and how she used to prioritize her loved ones' needs and emotions over her own, but also because of the positive impact that road eventually had on her. she knows her family was trying to protect her but what truly made it impossible to regret the path she had to take were the precious memories she made later on- it was learning magic and seeing new places and becoming friends with marcille and of course she couldn't hate it all, she was happy. it's about laios feeling so utterly miserable because on his end, it seemed like nothing good or enjoyable happened to him after leaving home, aside from the letters written by falin. but how long can a child be satisfied with another's happiness which he never got to experience himself?

so it really is beautiful that the series started off with him realizing that this journey allowed him to finally feel that happiness he was yearning for-

-and ended with everyone else realizing it too. when you first read chapter 11 it's just a funny gag about people not understanding laios, but it genuinely was too early for them to share his sentiment. they needed to come to terms with it on their own, with chilchuck opening up to them and senshi resolving the hovering mystery of his past and izutsumi freeing herself and joining their party and marcille facing her greatest fear. the winged lion was taking advantage of the loneliness and anger and pain lingering in laios's heart, but even it couldn't deny this. how, despite everything, he couldn't be satiated and his own happiness couldn't be complete without his friends' happiness too. how it was always about everyone enjoying a meal together.

and then there's marcille, who refused to admit it until the very end. it's in the way she had such a hard time fully accepting eating monsters despite how tasty she found them, not just due to how weird they were but also because she tried rejecting and burying her own pleasure and joy during this entire journey. from the very beginning, she was only willing to endure the pain and suffering.

as if she couldn't accept feeling an ounce of comfort, satisfaction, let alone happiness while falin was suffering on her own. and it might've been laios's reaction as well if all of this had happend a decade ago- i mean, that's exactly what he did back then. blaming himself for leaving her behind, being tormented by her loneliness and absence while falin was actually slowly moving towards a brighter future. it was him that was stuck, not her. but he kept focusing on her pain to ignore how deep the hole in his own heart had become, consumed by guilt to ignore his own agony, or to make sense of it- because maybe he did deserve it after all he had done.

and for that reason marcille was so terrified of admitting there was warmth in what she considered the depths of hell. because it would mean accepting falin going ahead of her and leaving her behind, accepting the inevitable she was trying so hard to deny and the end of her dream.

but it was learning there's joy even in her worst nightmare that allowed her to finally embrace those moments of pleasure that made her life worth living, however short they were. she realized that her pursuit would take away the things that truly mattered to her, that if she had succumbed to her fear of loss she would've been the one hurting her loved ones, just as happened to thistle. laios asking her to use ancient magic for falin's resurrection and then encouraging her to not give up on her desires during the nightmare chapter was a direct parallel to delgal being the one to push thistle down the road of destruction, while both marcille and thistle were trying to protect the people most important to their friends.

but in marcille's case, laios was able to understand her at the end, pulling her back just before she descended to complete ruin. it's truly fascinating how the story is not only about laios being understood but also getting to understand others properly, deeply- it's about mutual understanding, the balance between two people he never managed to maintain before. and i think it's only after seeing thistle's tragedy that he was able to fully realize what might become of marcille down the line. so while delgal put the weight of the world on thistle's shoulders, laios was the one to tell marcille she doesn't have to do that. because even if falin's resurrection hadn't succeeded, they both already know- there's happiness even in the dungeon's pit. and it's by preparing a hearty meal made of her loved one's remains that marcille was able to truly accept it- thus allowing herself to enjoy it to the fullest, embracing the cycle of life, no matter how weird or painful or grotesque it is.

[casual-tarot]

Closure on Your Situation

A song to listen to during this reading: Jacob and the Stone by Emile Mosseri

Pile 1

I'm hearing "burning briges." I think there's someone that was once very important to you that you're cutting out of your life. Spirit is telling me that this had to happen, it was an inevitable change that was always going to be part of your journey. It's an ending that was always going to come, that was necessary, and that's ok. Good things will be coming.

Maybe that's what you needed to here, that this time in your life, as heartbreaking as it is, is making room for something new, better, to come in. Maybe you'll get a new job offer, or a raise/promotion, maybe you will meet someone new. No matter your situation, something good is coming, and you should be excited.

This person that you cut out from your life likely didn't have the best intentions, or maybe they just weren't right for this part of your journey. They needed to leave to make room for new things, or so universe could teach you some sort of lesson. Not in a malicious sort of way, I myself lost a friend recently, and I realized it was spirit's way of telling me that I needed to set firmer boundaries, which would in turn lead something new into my life(we share similar stories, maybe you needed hear mine, and thats why I was called to tell you.)

Either way pile 1, keep strong! Keep going! It's going to get better, bright things are on the horizon, remember that. You're likely still learning spirits lesson right now, if you need more clarification I recommend looking into other readings. Whatever it is, spirit is proud of you because you're growing! I hope this helped.

Confirmation and signs: taurus, Gemini, Neptune, trident, Virgo, Leo, water, fire, water and fire together(complimentary and opposed), opposites, opposing sides, north node, moon, 1, 11, 111, 1111, 7, 77, 777, 8, 88, 3, 33, 6

(Note: I completely forgot what image pile 1 was when doing this reading, so it makes even more sense now lol.)

Pile 2

I'm getting the vibe that you're leaving something behind, and that it's scaring you. Maybe you've decided to leave a job or a partner or maybe you've decided to move. No matter what it is, I think the thing scaring you is that the people in your life won't approve. Whatever you're leaving is likely "safe" in the sense that yes its easy, but it doesn't make you happy. Maybe you yourself are doubting your choices because of that same reason. Safe doesn't always mean good. Now I'm not saying to go and do anything too drastic, but sometimes being impulsive can be a good thing.

For example I have a friend that decided to leave our hometown and go live a couple cities over, even though her friends and family all mostly live over here. She seems happier then ever with her decision, and free. And we still get to see her whenever shes free(if thats something you're worried about, leaving your loved ones behind). Another, smaller example is that I had impulsively decided to cut my hair, despite knowing my old haircut made me look "prettier" and knowing I'd have to deal with my families reactions. I don't regret it, I love my hair now, it finally makes me feel comfortable in my own skin.

Excuse the rambling lol, I just felt called to tell you that, maybe you needed proof that it's all going to be ok. You need to do what makes you happy, not anybody else. You're the one who has to live with it after all. I choose the thing that makes you smile. I hope you get to be happy and confident in your choices like we were, pile 2. I'm rooting for you.

Confirmation and signs: losing or leaving a job, 111, Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn, Leo, Aries, Sagittarius, 333, 666, 888, 777, earth, pentacles, money, finances, financial gain or loss, fire, creativity, passion, wands, venus, Fertility, femininity, accepting yourself, confidence, venus in furs, loving yourself, sensuality, sexuality, Pluto, rebirth, transformation, coming into your own, caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly, change, the moons, Cresent moon, first quarter moon, taking action, controlling your own destiny/fate

(Note: While editing this, I realized I referred to you as pile 3 a couple times, maybe you felt drawn to that pile as well! Go check it out if you feel called to.)

Pile 3

(It's 11:11 as I write this)

You seem to be feeling extremely guilty about something, maybe leaving a situation or person behind. It could be quitting a job or getting out of a toxic friendship, either way you feel selfish and not worthy. I'm getting the feeling that you think this is all your fault, blaming yourself for everything. You don't even feel safe in your own head at night when you need to rest, where you feel like you should be able to sleep it off. Your plagued with thoughts of what you did "wrong" here.

Let me tell you something pile 3, you didn't do anything "wrong" here. Whatever this is that's plaguing your thought, it's not your fault. Whatever situation you left, you left for a good reason. It was no longer serving you and/or was actively hurting you.

I feel called to tell you a story from my own life. Recently, I lost a very close friend of mine. We suddenly grew apart and I was plagued with doubts, wondering if I had done something wrong, if it was my fault. It's been months since I left them and cut them out of my life, and now I realize it was them. They suddenly pulled away and made it so I felt guilty about it, made it seem like it was my fault. It wasn't, they were just being cruel, even though I don't think they intended to. But I needed that to happen, I needed to realize they were a toxic person in my life and to be free of them. Now I feel better then ever, and I feel bad for the past me, who thought it was all my fault. I felt so alone. I fell into a deep depression and wouldn't tell anyone what was going on until I had cut that person out. But I'm glad it went through it, because it made me better for it, it made life better for me.

And if, IF, for whatever reason, you think you did make a mistake, no if's and's or but's, then that's ok too. We are human. We make mistakes sometimes. It's ok. We can grow from that too.

I'm sorry you're going through whatever it is you're going through pile 3, but know that it's not your fault, and you didn't make a mistake. It's ok. You're growing, and that means change. It means growing pains. It means leaving things behind. You will get through this pile 3, even if it takes some time. You will become better from this. This isn't your fault.

Confirmation and signs: fall/autumn, winter, change, end, snow, falling leaves, changing leaves, grey skies and cloudy weather, Aries, cancer, Sagittarius, Libra, 333, 666, 444, 1111, 999, earth, pentacles, stars, stars in the night sky, twinkling/sparkling stars, crying, rain, creativity, sickness, bed rest, hospital, rivers and creeks, forests, fire and flames, passion, hope, it'll all get better, it'll all be ok, the moon, the night, the night sky, The moons spirit, the moon Goddess, New moon(that made me emotional lol), change, venus, accepting yourself, inner peace, Jupiter, fate/destiny, this was meant to happen, it will all come to fruition soon, it will all come to an end soon, don't blame yourself, change is coming,gifts from the universe, unexpected gifts, gifts disguised and tragedies.

(Note: I feel like you may have been called to pile 1, if so check that one out too.)

[waffleweirdo]

Thinking about Nana in Overture again… the way we can see her deep caring for others and how it stems from her own loneliness. How she tries to cope with her own self hatred by finding self worth in helping others, and how she is completely overwhelmed by Junna showing her kindness.

Her looping is both an incredibly selfish thing, taking control over everyone’s lives and determining them herself. But it also stems from her own self hatred of being a stage girl. While she is drawn in by the Giraffe and does some not good stuff (it’s not okay to kill your friends Nana), the cycle that leads her deeper into despair is her attempt at trying to help others because she genuinely cares about them all.

It’s why ultimately she is still a stage girl despite her disdain for everything that defines them. Because even with that desire unattainable she never stops trying to achieve it. Which is, under the messed up system of the auditions, what warps her genuine care (and definitely some iffy stuff) into an overpowering downward spiral.

Even still, through all her (many) mistakes it is not a sin to climb the tower.

Revstar is well aware of its characters many flaws and never fails to force them to confront them and grow, but I think it’s worth noting the auditions pray on their vulnerabilities. I mean they are literally put into a situation where they are forced to cut each other down in order to be the only one left. Alone. Basically the exact antithesis of what Nana wants, and yet she is coerced into fighting in them.

It’s in that sense that revstar rejects the “I’ll become a sinner for you” narrative. Because stage girls are not sinners. To have pride, to act selfishly, and to want to compete are not sins. It is when they are turned into motivators to hurt each other from the auditions that they become a sin. The critique of the top star system and harmful theatre environments is really at the core of all of revstar’s themes.

It’s why Nana’s revues with Hikari and Karen are so important in snapping her out of it. Hikari shows her that there are ways for a stage girl to attain happiness, it doesn’t all need to be suffering. They can be reborn. While Karen shows her that it’s possible to defy the system of the auditions. That all this time, day after day, she has been moving towards a stronger version of herself, and that her determination and will as a stage girl is valuable.

It’s her revue with Junna that forces her to face her fears of the future and moving on, how her loss shows her just how brilliant a stage girl can truly be.

Nana’s growth follows her journey to learn how to accept herself as a stage girl, and how she can move forward as one instead of rejecting herself. It’s why her conclusion has her debating between technical work and acting. As she loves both she wants to truly find what makes her happy and pursue it. It’s why she attends RATA instead of auditioning for New National, because she is finding the courage to follow her own path.

This was basically just a gushing about Nana post huh. Well I really like the way her story ties in with the themes, but also I feel like I rag on her a lot (you shouldn’t try to kill your friends Nana), but while revstar is well aware of all the characters’ short comings I think it’s really meaningful that it is clear how the top star system is harming them because of that and not that these teenagers are malicious and evil. There’s so much to get into on revstar’s critique of the top star system and Takarazuka, but I’m not well researched enough… maybe another time

[louvay]

Felt quirky today so perhaps I will post my write up on why I love Arthur x Fee.

TLDR: they’re funny together

Long version where you hear me yap at you for approximately 30 minutes: Those two basically have the most fleshed out and refreshing relationship amongst the Fe4 Gen 2 cast, rivaling even Ares x Lene and Nanna x Leif. Fee and Arthur first start off with bantering over one another regarding Fee naming her pegasus Annand and from the get go you have an understanding of what these two’s personalities are casually. Arthur has little tact even when he wants to sound nice and Fee is ironically kinda the opposite of her mom where she’s more outwardly upbeat and somewhat unserious. But even amidst the insults they fling at each other, they both show their own care towards one another with Arthur not wanting to trouble Fee with helping him reach Ulster and Fee basically giving him another chance and accepting him as his partner. Hell, throughout their whole journey from Silesse to Issach, they never asked each other what they were looking for nor what their motivations are. Simply that Fee is as kind as her mother is when it comes to helping others in need according to Ced and Arthur understands that despite her cheerful yet also sulking demeanor, Fee means well. But I am getting ahead of myself here. These two both are looking for their lost siblings and they both team up as partners to help Seliph out as despite Arthur being a bit of a loner, he still wants to repay Fee for ferrying him to Issach.

What’s interesting to think about though is what each person is thinking deep down about this whole situation considering what we know of those two in later convos and in Thracia: They both recently lost or have heard of their mothers’ passing and they both cope with it in their own ways. Fee is cheerful but part of that cheerfulness is a coping mechanism she has for trying to keep herself afloat and she doesn’t want people to only remember her for being cheerful (see: commoner father Fee’s ending if Ced is alive and she is unpaired). In Fe5, Karin mentions to Ced that ever since Erinys’ passing, Fee had to cope with her mother’s death and running Silesse all on her own which put her under a lot of stress to the point where she cries when no one or only Karin is nearby till her eyes are dry. She puts up this air of cheerfulness and resilience when deep down, she is on the edge of crumbling down and wants to become a true knight like her mother and aunt to truly have that fortitude. And Arthur, well you probably know how he copes with his loss. Not only does he put a mask of aloofness and indifference to others but he also exchanges blood for blood, family for family. House Friege took away his mother and sister by force so he’ll even things out. A cheerful Pegasus knight who says everything will be fine but she herself is unsure of it and a cold hearted mage with poor social skills who actually does care enough to wage a battle against an entire family, how odd. It basically is a miracle that those two ever became partners and yet… It makes sense.

Despite not being her loyal knight, Arthur is tactless but honest and Fee understands that he isn’t really that bad of a person and despite being a knight who idealizes chivalry, Fee is genuinely kind and doesn’t fein her altruism. But most importantly, they’re united by their paralleled pains and goals. They both are looking for their family members to have things return to the way they were even if their respective families are effectively fractured.

Moving onto Chapter 8, Arthur warns Fee to stay safe and Fee herself somewhat pokes fun at Arthur finally showing care for someone other than himself (alluding to him being a loner) to which Arthur just states faintly that she’s special to him before heading out and Fee ponders over what her partner in war has uttered. He has feelings for her??? Now Fee has to really assess her whole viewpoint of him and not in a joking matter. But Love is like War and War is as unpredictable as it is inevitable as through the course of their hardships here after, they both fall in love with one another. Perhaps Fee found Arthur to be truly chivalrous with his overprotectiveness and diligence despite his annoyance at knighthood and nobility. And perhaps Arthur just couldn’t fathom a world without Fee’s infectious energy making each day all the more brighter. Life is looking up for them both afterall as they have finally found their respective siblings… and each other too.

Finally in Endgame, we see their relationship present the climax for both of these characters’ arcs. Fee asks Arthur casually in the middle of battle what he’s doing to which he irritatingly replies that he’s fighting, pointing to the tome he’s wielding to which Fee responds with “Hello to you too!” and the banter begins but Fee perceives something that Arthur is about to state badly that tugs at her deeply: No one wants to be around her if all she does is sulk around while others fight. It is effectively her insecurity of being immature and unknightly coming back to taunt her and she isn’t going to have any of it until Arthur stops her and explains to her what exactly he is saying since his tactlessness clouds what he truly feels about her. She gives people the wrong impression that she isn’t serious when she really is or that she doesn’t need to try to do much when she is on her pegasus flying carefree in the skies when Arthur himself knows his partner always tries her hardest to be like her mother and aunt before her. He wants people to know the real Fee because he loves her and wants to be with her when the war ends and to Fee, this all is basically a fairy tale dream coming true for her considering what type of person Arthur is.

In Chapter 8, Fee has a secret event in which she chats to Annand and admits that she hopes she could find someone to marry and settle down with after the war ends. It fits alot with most endings knights have in fairytales where once all the fighting is done, they settle with their true loved ones. Rather fitting for Fee to muse about when you think about it since her mother did tell her tales of chivalry when she was little but then there’s the reality of what really happens in the end for such heavenly knights. Annand was killed remorselessly through underhanded tactics by Pamela and Daccar, dying while not knowing what would happen to Rahna. Erinys did find the love of her life but he left her and her children behind to which Fee still knows the pain of greatly in her conversations with Lewyn if he happens to be said father. Her mother died with a broken heart, her husband not being there for her in the end… will Fee be next? She doesn’t want to be abandoned by someone she loves be it family or otherwise, to have to put up pretenses of everything including herself is fine when she’s not because her heart is torn apart. Fee wants these fairytales to be true because the reality she knows of has shown itself to be unfair time and time again.

And thankfully, abandoning his loved ones in any case would be something Arthur would never be able to do. He knows the pain of isolation all too well and his overprotectiveness of Tine is akin to him repenting for never being there for her and Tailtiu when they were being horribly mistreated. And that overprotectiveness also extends to Fee too if you go back to their convo in Chp 8, be it physically or emotionally. He won’t leave his partner, whom he understands like an open tome, behind and Fee is grateful for that.

And that, my good fellows, is why I like these two partners in war. They basically can fit in with any kind of story be it in a comedic setting or a serious one because their dynamic is endearing and refreshing. Bonus points for if Fee’s father is Lewyn to which Arthur is casually bantering with his princess and/or if Arthur’s father is Azelle and Fee refuses to let him go shoulder the burden of running Velthomer alone, stating that “If we stick together then all the pain in the world won’t keep us down!”

[livsoulsecrets]

Kaz & Nina Fic (Six of crows) - The things that I lost here, the people I knew

Summary:

While visiting Ketterdam after the events of Rule of Wolves, Nina can’t fall asleep as she’s overwhelmed by her memories of the city. She finds unexpected comfort in the form of Kaz lurking around the Van Eck mansion.

-

Nina tossed and turned on the unfamiliar yet incredibly comfortable bed for two whole hours. Eventually, she pushed herself out of it and ventured through the massive hallways of the Van Eck mansion.

As much as she appreciated the lovely guest room Wylan and Jesper had arranged, Nina found herself incapable of giving into sleep.

Ketterdam was a place Nina associated with sleeping on hard and cold floors, with threats and schemes being plotted well into the night. Strangely enough, so much comfort and safety made her feel itchy and out of place.

Yet, the strangeness of her accommodations was far from the main reason for her lack of sleep. What truly haunted her was far greater and more powerful.

The voyage from Fjerda to Ketterdam had left Nina restless, as too many memories of her long and painful fight against Parem on a similar ship flooded her mind. More than that, recalling that mournful battle against her addiction also meant diving back into the part Matthias had played in it.

His voice echoed in her mind every time she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. On more than one occasion, she had woken up gasping for air, certain she would find her hands dripping with his blood, just as they were in her dreams.

Such memories had managed to wound her soul, inflicting pain as if they had taken place just yesterday instead of years ago.

She had accepted Inej’s offer to travel back to the country on The Wraith after much consideration. Despite all the difficulties and losses Nina had suffered in this Saints-forsaken country, she had also known joy and love like no other within its bounds.

She refused to allow her grief to taint that, to stop her from sharing time with the friends she had come to consider family, which didn’t mean it was an easy journey to face.

She wished Ilya could have gone with her to face this pain by her side, but Nina was well aware it would have been impossible to excuse such a long visit from the Fjerdan crown prince to the city. It had been difficult enough to fabricate a lie about his fiancé’s absence — the entirety of Fjerda believed Mila had recoiled into her quarters for a long religious retreat.

Now, when it was dark and broody outside, Nina descended the stairs into the manor’s living room, longing for any change of scenario that could ease her mind.

When she reached the end of the long staircase, Nina caught sight of a lean figure already occupying the room.

Kaz was still there, much to her surprise.

Nina debated simply going back upstairs. Kaz was hardly ever the person someone would wish to seek comfort from, and, as much as it pained her to admit, that’s what she desperately needed right now.

Before she could make any decisions, though, Kaz’s voice echoed through the living room, “Do you have any plans of moving, or do you intend to hover over me like a ghost for the rest of the night?”

Kaz’s back was to her, and his head hadn’t turned around to face her at all. His right leg was extended over a center table that was meant to be used only to support teapots and probably cost more than any clothes Kaz owned.

He was sitting in one of the armchairs that faced the fireplace and should have blocked his view from the stairs, but Nina supposed she shouldn’t be surprised that he noticed her. After all, Kaz was able to spot even Inej in any room, despite her soundless steps.

“If you don’t wish to be haunted by the house’s guests, you should have gone back to the Slat,” she easily replied, refusing to rush out of the room now that she had been called out.

Nina crossed the room in a few quick strides and approached the fireplace, allowing the comforting warmth that emanated from it to quiet some of her racing thoughts.

She glanced at Kaz, dressed in a black shirt and waistcoat, with his crow cane leaning against the armchair, and concluded his leg must have been giving him a bad time.

Two hours after the dinner that had allowed Nina and Inej to catch up with Wylan, Jesper and Kaz, Nina had overheard Kaz telling Inej he would wait another half an hour to go back home because of the rain pouring outside, reassuring her she should go back to bed and rest after her long trip.

Apparently, that half hour had extended into many more, and it was pain that held him back, not the weather.

His face was as blank as ever when he replied, “Maybe I just really enjoy their stupidly expensive fireplace.”

“It’s a really good one,” she conceded, too exhausted to deal with his cynicism. Nina crossed her arms over her chest, still feeling cold despite her close proximity to the fire.

She had left her room in such a hurry that only now did Nina notice she was barefoot, which didn’t help ease the coldness.

“Just sit down before you freeze to death,” Kaz muttered after long minutes of silence.

“And why would you mind if I did?” She retorted, turning to him. Snapping at Kaz was still second nature. It was weirdly comfortable to allow her petty and ridiculous offenses to roll off her tongue.

There was something to be valued in being able to throw insults at someone that would never actually be bothered, only devolving them in an even greater, more dramatic fashion.

“I most definitely wouldn’t, but Wylan would be annoyed if I let you perish in the middle of his living room,” Kaz easily gave back.

“It’s hardly ever that serious,” Nina pondered, but still sat down at the sofa nearest to the fire, clutching one of the cushions to her chest. “If anything, I should be the one concerned about you perishing in my presence.”

Kaz’s eyebrows arched in his pale face, and Nina smirked, “You look like hell.”

“You don’t look much better,” he remarked.

“I’ve been trapped in a ship for days with little sleep and no decent food,” she countered, “What’s your excuse?”

Kaz rolled his eyes, “My conscience is keeping me awake, of course.”

“Clearly,” Nina chimed in. “It’s definitely not the pain you’re feeling in your leg and the awful weather. You know there’s no need to spend the night in this chair, right? They have guest rooms for a reason.”

Kaz’s scowl remained unmoved when he spoke, “Nina dear, please don’t say you’re worried about my well-being.”

“I have no vocation for picking up strays, Brekker. Unlike our beloved Inej,” she remarked.

Nina could no longer listen to others’ heartbeats, but there was no need for such power to know Inej’s name was still enough to send Kaz’s heart scattering over itself.

“That must be why she brought you here, then,” he quickly snapped back. Nina chuckled, forever entertained by Kaz’s endless dedication to denial.

She allowed him that kindness, even though she knew from Inej herself that the two of them were in constant contact. Inej would never share more than what was absolutely necessary, but Nina could confidently say they were happy in their singular arrangement.

It was all one could hope for, truly.

“She has always been better than the rest of us,” she granted, and, even in the dark, Nina saw the lines of Kaz’s face soften at the thought, only for a brief second before his blank stare was back into place.

“I doubt you came here to debate Inej’s sense of ethics,” Kaz hissed, reaching for his cane to trace his fingers over the crow’s head.

“I just felt suffocated by the linen duvet. How can one sleep in so much luxury and not drown in it?”

Lying had always come away too easily to her, as she suspected it did Kaz, so it was no surprise his eyes narrowed as soon as the words were out of her mouth.

“I thought you loved luxury.”

“Who doesn’t?” Nina shrugged, “We’re not all made for it, though.”

“I suppose not,” Kaz mumbled, his hand hovering over his right leg, as if he were pondering whether it was safe to admit defeat and try to soothe the pain.

Nina turned her head to the fire to give him some privacy to make that call. She told herself it was merely out of self-preservation, not empathy for his pain. Kaz was annoying enough in normal circumstances, but Kaz in pain was a true menace.

When she glanced back at him, his hand was pressing against his leg, slowly circling the muscles with his lock-pick fingers, working away the ache he so clearly felt.

Nina fought a grin.

Only then did she notice he was gloveless. He had been since dinner, she realized. The tiredness of her travel had made her miss that detail, however monumental it was when it came to Kaz.

Some things seemed to have changed during her absence, and she suspected the sight of a gloveless Kaz was no longer absurd, not something only reserved for Inej’s trusting eyes.

“So, did you build something new? Watched it burn?” Nina asked in a conversational tone, deciding she would rather keep talking to stop her mind from wandering too far again.

Kaz’s face broke into that familiar shark-like smirk, “I’m building it still.”

He paused for a moment, fingers tapping against his knee, “How long it takes to burn remains to be seen.”

She huffed, “I’m sure it will be a sight to behold.”

For long minutes, they sat in silence. Nina brought her knees closer to her chest, laying her chin on top of the pillow.

Her ghosts seemed less scary now that she had some company, even if said companion was Kaz.

He broke the silence to state, “I do have a question, though,” Nina turned to look at him, surprised he had spoken at all.

Kaz went on, “How exactly did you manage to snake your way into the Fjerdan throne? Inej refused to share the whole tale with me.” His tone was even, his voice the usual rustle of stone against stone.

Back when they were nothing more than desperate kids barely scraping by, she had thought there was some comfort to be found in the fact no judgment could come from a boy known as Dirtyhands.

It was surprisingly reassuring to realize the same applied to the man he had become.

Nina wiggled her eyebrows, “Careful, Brekker, or I might just think you are actually trying to stir up a conversation.”

He sneered, “Not in your wildest dreams.”

She told him anyway, careful not to share the bits Ilya wasn’t comfortable with the world knowing. Nina had the feeling Kaz could tell it wasn’t the whole story, but he was smart enough not to question.

“So, now Brum is rooting away in exile, and his laboratories have been dismantled. Fjerda still has its faults, but it’s working towards something better.”

“Ever the idealist,” Kaz muttered when she was done.

“Not everyone clings to kruge for purpose. Some of us need morals.”

That made him laugh — a rough sound that would have sent the Barrel rats scurrying away — but Nina was too well versed in the Kaz Brekker lore at this point to believe him inhuman.

“Only the weak-minded ones,” he mocked, shaking his head in a feigned expression of disapproval.

She rolled her eyes, far too tired to snap back at him. Strangely enough, sleep apparently sneaked up on her at some point of their conversation.

“As much as I would enjoy proving you wrong,” Kaz said, retrieving his leg from its resting position and pushing himself off his seat, “I do have a pile of work waiting for me back at the Slat. I should be on my way.”

“Have fun with it, then.” Nina said to his back as he made his way to the exit. “I’ll stop by the Silver Six tomorrow with Inej. See what you did with the place.”

Kaz put his hat back on and tipped it towards her in lieu of a response. There was no cheap sentimentalism seeping through his face, as expected.

Nina didn’t think he understood what it meant for her — to have a place named after their little group, somewhere in this world where Matthias was still with them, at least in name, if nothing else.

She didn’t say any of that out loud. That’s not how they did things around here. Perhaps it was for the better. Nina wouldn’t be able to get a word out before dissolving into tears, and she had shedded enough of those already.

She nodded in return, and Kaz vanished through the door.

Nina returned to her room, settling into bed again and pulling the covers over her head.

Sleep tugged at the back of her mind, and Nina was nearly tempted to fight it just out of spite.

“Damn you, Kaz Brekker.” She cursed at herself and closed her eyes.

And, if the familiarity of Kaz’s dreadful company was what warranted the dreamless sleep Nina fell into, she never told a soul.

[theangelwithawand]

Absolutely (Not) the Same Man

Regeneration and Identity

I really l like way Christmas Invasion presents regeneration and how Rose and Ten in-universe seem to understand.

Harriet Jones says that Ten is “absolutely the same man”. Rose does not agree despite being in the scene.

She agrees that 10 is the Doctor, but…not the same. She still loves him and sees the fundamental values being retained but she sees them as different.

She unequivocally says “you’re so different”. She’s beaming when she says it, clearly not missing Nine but rather mystified by Ten. It’s so subtle, (and a lot comes from Billie’s delivery) but even after accepting it, there is something alien about the process lingering.

It’s why I don’t fault her for being upset by the potential regeneration in Journey’s End, it’s the same reason we all are sad to see a Doctor go.

Because the fundamental character traits that we love will be there (you know…hopefully) but everything else will change. Their personalities and the ways they interact with the universe and the way they see themselves all changes. All the quirks and eccentricities that make up the characterization specific to one incarnation of the Doctor as a character, which are what we latch onto change.

We may like who gets tagged, whoever is now ‘it’. But there’s still a friend we’ll miss.

This Doctor wears pinstripes and trainers, instead of leather and combat boots. He willingly wears a paper crown.

He is domestic in a way Nine would never be. He doesn’t tempt Rose from a family dinner, he joins her at one of his own volition, then relishes in it while wearing a paper crown.

I do think this works particularly well here, because it feels like a character arc. It helps Ten feel like an actual extension of Nine. I think this why that it works for them to have the same TARDIS and first companion. It makes the change easier.

Nine was reminded of the beauty of living through Rose and humanity, and reminded ordinary humans that there was no such thing. I love the moment he has with the couple in Father’s Day for this reason.

Ten, in concept and practice, takes this love for humanity and runs with it. (Sometimes way too far depending on the writer. But that’s another meta). He’s more open with his feelings while still being deeply, deeply repressed.

Arguably, I think there’s a moment he tries to learn from his mistakes with Rose. He tries to relay the happy memory of Christmas dinner to Donna before it becomes something else he’s lost. All of her other attempts at connection are shut down.

Later, he’s able to find some respite with Donna in series 4. He’s able to live with his grief and heal for a bit. And he gives Donna a chance to realize that there’s no such thing as an ordinary human.

Then he has to take it all away. All of the edges Donna had softened out, the self-confidence she built up so she didn’t need to scream at the world to feel heard. Gone.

His best friend, just like the love of his life. Gone. And this time it’s like never happened at all.

It’s the last important arc before Time Lord Victorious for a reason.

(it’s honestly more thematically satisfying to go straight to Waters of Mars after series 4)

It’s why he comes to see regeneration as dying.

It’s how we get from “All I did was change” in Born Again, to “It’s like dying.” in the of End of Time

He just watched the identity of his best friend be ripped from her. Plus he feels emotions with more humanity than any incarnation. He feels the fear of identity loss like a human fears mortality.

(This was also before the Doctor had been given more regenerations, and post-war he was burning through them, and was over half through them, so there’s an added layer there)

I never for a second felt he was “throwing a tantrum” in Journey’s End.

I hate when people, including the in universe 11th doctor, say that Ten is vain.

I mean he is. Sometimes it’s done for laughs, but he is arrogant too. Usually it’s well-meaning. He does have more knowledge than anyone and wants to use that to help.

He might be a genius, but he doesn’t understand every intricate detail of human experience. And to be fair, 11 is talking about the metacrisis, but even before Donna’s fate, Ten has begun to project the human fear of death he’s adopted along with all the other emotions onto regeneration.

Journey’s End is the end of a vanity trip. He is stripped down and deeply, deeply scared. And he is allowed to be. And he can react in an intense, emotional way.

There is no hesitation between the knocks and the resignation falling across his face.

There is no doubt what he’s going to sacrifice for Wilf no matter how afraid he is.

Because as intensely as Ten feels fear, it is nothing to how much he loves.

[mysterycharacterflowers]

Round 1; A bouquet of poppy, zygopetalum, echeveria, dandelion, yucca, twinspur , lotus, tagetes, ursinia, purple hyacinth and hibiscus Vs A bouquet of amaryllis, dicentra, red spider lily and white roses

If you know who they are, or are pretty sure of it, please don't tell until this poll has ended!

First, let's talk about the bouquet of poppy, zygopetalum, echeveria, dandelion, yucca, twinspur , lotus, tagetes, ursinia, purple hyacinth and hibiscus

Meaning and why these flowers were chosen: Poppy, for fertility, remembrance, strength, hope, resilience, sleep, and peace. When we meet her, she is stumbling through the wake of her trauma--including grief for both herself and her dead child— without any real goal of recovery, trying to cope through substance abuse, but over a long hard walk she gradually uncovers her inner strength Zygopetalum, for fertility and spiritual connection between people. Fertility is relevant because her pregnancy as a young teen overturned her life; spiritual connection, meanwhile, doesn’t apply in a soulmates way like would be typical for this flower, but instead as a moment of profound enlightenment that she experiences and later relates to someone who very nearly understands. Echeveria, for endurance. She’s been through a whole lot, curled up in a ball, got back up and kept going. Also because it’s one of a few plants called hens-and-chicks, and she was a mother. Dandelion, for determination, joy, and youthful thoughts. She’s just a teenager with big dreams, a love of stories, a history of tomfoolery, and a not irreparably broken soul. Yucca, for new opportunities, loyalty, and purity. She has to leave home to find hope; she is a good friend, or at least she’s trying very hard; and she’s certainly not ‘pure’ by her conservative quasi-Christian mother and culture’s standards, but whose fault is that and what does that mean anyway? Twinspur, for fidelity and friendship. She reconnects with an old friend and tries to accept who they are, their journey, and what they’ve done despite the rift in her since she last knew them; she also ends up befriending/befriended by someone she justly punched in the face before, so there’s that. I also chose this flower by its name because she’s a twin; that’s also complicated. Lotus, for spiritual growth and transcendence. She went looking for it, with her friend who was far more interested in it than she was at first, and she certainly found it even the transcendence suffered for it. Tagetes, for faith (and use in religious contexts), creativity, jealousy, and loss. Religious faith is very important to people in her life and was formative, in an abusive manner, to her in the childhood she’s only partly left; her mother clung to fundamentalist religion in a time that had seen a lot of change, and because of this shamed her all the more for her perceived transgressions against polite society. (After experiencing that, she wound up trying to combat religion-backed colonialism and generally being unwilling to let others be hurt with religion as the weapon like it was for her.) Creativity is a central part of her mind—she pranks, she explores, she lets herself become enveloped in possibly silly ideas and fascinations. Jealousy is something she has for those with more privilege getting into situations not unlike hers and getting away with it, and for those without her knack for getting into trouble (and thus getting, in this case, unjustly punished); in other words the jealousy is for her siblings. The loss part is probably clear by now—loss of her child, loss of faith of varying kinds, loss of social acceptance. Ursinia, for temptation and innocent love; she fell for a man not the least bit worth it. Purple hyacinth, for playfulness and regret; connected in this case since her playful, adventurous nature was a part of what she was shamed for, loosely speaking, when her pregnancy came to light and with the aftermath. In other words, she was too much to be considered a good girl to begin with. Hibiscus, for youth, first love (little good though it did her), and the shortness of life; she was a child giving birth to a child who didn’t survive.

Description: A young woman—eventually admirable, never despicable—with a bad reputation kept small, a self-sabotaging streak that can’t compete with the actual sabotage other people deal to her, and quite a lot of self-loathing her parents don’t care or know to help her process. Desperately needs to be told that what she went through wasn’t funny, actually, but doesn’t know that until it’s actually said. The daughter of a lawyer and a miserable housewife, and it shows. Wildly eccentric when she’s not forcing self-effacement; gets more philosophical as she goes, and unlearns the hatred she was taught for her supposedly sinful body. Once constructs an alter ego whose name is a crude joke, but completely accidentally on her part. Chaotic good

Check their post here

Now, let's talk about the bouquet of amaryllis, dicentra, red spider lily and white roses

Why these flowers were chosen: amaryliss flowers! big personality! and her dress is red. Dicentra. cause if she never tried to marry other character she wouldve lived, and with the dripping part looking like blood or water, she fell into the river. Red spider lily, Not only is it representive of death (and rebirth) anither BIG red flower also white roses because theyre extemely common wedding flowers, and she dies on her wedding. Description: She's an impulsive and vibrant woman who is constantly doing something. She's the type of person to get her entirely family kicked out of the club for being there, but sneak in anyway.

Check their post here

[berryblooo]

Sumeru's Idealists and Artists: Kaveh and Nilou

Cross-posting from HoYoLAB.

"The ability to appreciate beauty is an important virtue."

Kaveh, Chat: Beauty

"My teacher taught me everything there is to know about dance, but she said that the most important thing is putting feeling into your movements. Only then can you move your audience and convey emotion. To express beauty, I must first become the embodiment of beauty."

Nilou, More About Nilou II

In the Sumeru, the nation of Wisdom, what role do art and idealism - concepts often regarded as subjective and lesser when compared to facts and science - play in society?

Through the stories of Kaveh and Nilou, we learn about their struggle to find acceptance for their passion and their determination to continue practicing their passions despite hardships and setbacks.

Art

"As well as being one of the building blocks of human culture and civilization, architecture is also an art form."

Kaveh, Interesting Things

"I want to use my performances to show the beauty of art to more people."

Nilou, Nilou's Hobbies

As an architect and dancer, both Kaveh and Nilou consider art to be an expression of beauty. Understanding and expressing beauty is something that is important to them.

"You need an extreme amount of talent to pursue knowledge and wisdom. Many people throw their entire lives into it, only to end up burned out and depressed... Dance isn't like that. You don't have to understand what you're seeing to enjoy watching it. If I can use my movements to demonstrate the beauty and meaning of dance, then I'm happy."

Nilou, About Nilou: Dance and Wisdom

"Art does not exist in a vacuum, so I've always been mindful of the experiential factor for the occupants, and the emotional character conveyed to those looking on from the outside..."

Kaveh, Interesting Things

They both believe art should be accessible to all and that it doesn't need a certain level of expertise or knowledge in order to appreciate and enjoy it.

Kaveh and Nilou receive their Visions in a moment related to their art and their ideals.

Nilou's is after very first performance on stage at Zubayr Theater. She is able to achieve her dream of becoming beauty and expressing it to people via dance, thus making them happy. It is a moment of joy and triumph.

Kaveh's is the reverse. While Nilou was surrounded by friends, family, and lovers of the theater, Kaveh is alone, depressed after the disaster of the Palace of Alcazarzaray, and still mourning the loss of his father and his mother's absence. He does not think he has achieved his ideals at all, but at the moment he builds a miniature palace out of his father's favorite food, it appears before him.

This stark contrast in their Vision stories exemplifies the two sides of the coin they represent:

Nilou is immersed in the community, and in turn is the community itself (being so loved by everyone), while Kaveh has more personal and individual struggles, in some ways being left behind by society (bankruptcy, living in abject poverty for a time, having no family left), but persevering and giving back nonetheless.

Nilou and Kaveh have both had to do deal with art being undervalued and looked down upon in Sumeru, the nation of wisdom that places knowledge and wisdom above all else.

Both were able to fight for art's place in society throughout the course of the story in Sumeru, thanks to their unwavering idealism and beliefs.

Idealism

"I've always thought that you can never truly know a person until you understand their deepest wishes. But once you start exploring hopes and dreams, whether they're your own or someone else's... it can be a dangerous journey. You might unlock something that can't be put away again. Not everyone can face the potential consequences of that."

Kaveh, About Us: Ideals

Kaveh and Nilou are people who care deeply about others and society.

Nilou considers Zubayr Theater her "big family", and is friends with everyone in the Grand Bazaar. She wants to make people happy and feel good with her performances.

In her character quest, Lotos Somno: Act I, Nilou speaks as a representative for Zubayr Theater and defends its right to exist to the sages, while also helping a father and daughter, Sharif and Inayah, reconcile their differences over the theater.

"In your eyes, our shows can't meet the Akademiya's expectations. Shouldn't it be the audience who decides if a show is intellectual or enlightening? Why is someone from the Akademiya judging that? Also, I believe that there is no such thing as a wiser or more enlightening performance. Art doesn't discriminate, and it appeals to all. Everyone has the right to appreciate art."

Nilou, Lotos Somno: Act I - The Reason We Are Gathered Here

In the Archon Quest Chapter III: Act V - Akasha Pulses, The Kalpa Flame Rises, Nilou agrees to help the Traveler and company in their plot to stop the sages.

She serves as a distraction by putting on an unsanctioned dance performance at the entrance of the Akademiya, in a violation of the current laws that ban such performances. This was a blatant act of rebellion, both in the name of helping Sumeru and defending art from censure.

Kaveh believes that he should do everything he can to help other people when they're in need, even to his own detriment.

"His mother would leave all her property in Sumeru to him. Three days later, he would return to Sumeru, and once again felt the terror of the empty home — the mere act of sitting on the sofa tormented him with heretofore unmatched solitude. Here, he felt the old adage of all wise scholars being fulfilled: 'Do the right thing, no matter what it costs you.'"

Kaveh's Character Story 3

During the Interdarshan Championship, Kaveh lends his aid to others despite these actions making it more difficult for him to come out as the winner in the event. He concedes points to Faruzan after working together to complete the first challenge, then gives his food and water to desert foxes, which made it significantly more difficult for him to travel through the desert even taking them to a safer area where they won't get caught up in the Ley Line anamoly.

Most notably, despite winning the championship, after listening to Sachin's philosophical explanation and all the similar world views they hold, he destroys the diadem and donates all the prize money to charity.

Winning the championship was supposed to be Kaveh's way of getting enough money to move out and finally have his own place again, and to also succeed where his father failed in the event, and, hopefully, lessen some of the guilt that's been plaguing him for years since his father's untimely death.

But after seeing a reflection of his ideals taken to a dark extreme in Sachin, he vehemently rejects all that this wise scholar had to offer, wealth and knowledge. Kaveh once again stuck to his ideals, his belief of what is right, and put the benefit of others before himself.

In Conclusion

Kaveh and Nilou stand out from the rest of the Sumeru cast for showing a different side to genius, wisdom, and knowledge.

It doesn't have to take form in only theses and experiments. The ability to dream and create, then express and share one's vision with others takes a genius of its own. To do so in a nation that discouraged these pursuits to the point of government censure requires not only bravery, but also wisdom.

Thanks to Nilou and Kaveh, and the support of their community, art and beauty can once again flourish in Sumeru.

Bonus

[dropintomanga]

HIRAETH - The Middle and The End of It All

Continuing where I left off months ago, it’s time to explore the last two volumes of Yuhki Kamatani’s HIRAETH - The End of the Journey. The ending does end with a sense of loss, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t move forward despite of it.

Talk about suicide and suicidal ideation after the jump, so just a warning.

In Volume 2, the trio of Mika, Hibino, and Hani continue their trip towards the underworld, Yomotsu Hirasaka (also known as Yomi), to die. Along the way, they run into a researcher named Chihiro Awashima, who knows about Hibino’s immortality. While she wants to hopefully use the knowledge of immortality to improve the medical world, Chihiro’s also desperate to find a way to save a friend who’s dying of a terminal illness. Chihiro challenges Mika’s way of thinking (her desire to die after losing her best friend) by saying death is absolutely scary. Hibino tries to ignore Chihiro with vague answers about his immortality and once the trio makes an attempt to escape her grasp, Chihiro appears and collapses in front of them. She the admits that she lied about her friend and that she’s the one who is dying - from cancer. Chihiro then cries out in desperation how much she wants to accomplish something meaningful before dying. 

Hibino and Hani do convince Chihiro to accept her impending death and that her life still has meaning even if she doesn’t feel like it. There’s something Hani to Chihiro says that made me think.

“You believe the meaning of human life is to accomplish something before you die. How fascinating. While I thought of nothing but I was letting go...”

I listened to a podcast about this whole chase to find meaning in life. Sure, meaning means more than happiness. But I now wonder if we’re all being gamified to find meaning/purpose or else we’ll never be successful. It feels no different than trying to be a “personal brand” and sacrificing your mental health for it. It’s okay to accept that things can be meaningless; it doesn’t change the fact that there’s still things worth living for in life. Chihiro’s search for immortality felt like she wanted to feel pragmatically useful to someone who may need her because society told her to.

Near the end of Volume 2, Hani mysterious vanishes in front of Mika and Hibino. The think about how their life turned out as a god. They wondered why they decided to hang around Mika and humor her wish to die. Hani then realizes that there’s a cherished memory they long forgot. A flashback of when Hani and Hibino first met happens. It turns out that Hani was the soulmate Hibino was searching for. Hani returns and while the reunion is a happy one, everyone will go their separate ways the closer they get to Yomi.

At the start of Volume 3, Hibino encounters an old man he met a long time ago, which causes him to unlock traumatic memories of the people who died before him. Hibino keeps a notebook of said people’s words for his memory’s sake and now wants to get rid of it as he feels trapped by them. Mika refuses to let Hibino throw everything away. Hani jumps into the conversation via violent fashion as they felt insulted by Hibino’s actions because they strongly feel memories should be treasured.

The focus on memory becomes important as Hibino reveals that he knew about Hani for a long time and the two already met a long time ago in ancient Japan. After being around each other for a few years, Hani ends up having to disappear. Hibino and Hani would make a promise that they would meet again if somehow Hibino ends up losing his immortality. Yet that memory was long forgotten until Hani displayed insecurity over how they will be remembered, which triggered Hibino’s remembrance.

The subject of holding onto painful memories can be a tricky one to navigate. In modern society, there’s often a bunch of victim blaming towards people who can’t seem to move on from losing loved ones. We’re always told to move forward and ignore the grief that comes with such memories. But as HIRAETH shows, if an immortal and a god struggle with grief and despair, why would anyone think humans can do better?

The ending is a bittersweet one. Hani eventually disappears, but is glad Hibino treasured him. Hibino dies right after Hani disappears. Mika is about to join the afterlife with no hesitation to see her best friend who died, but decides to go back to the world of the living after hearing a bird sing. She credits the new memories she made with Hani and Hibino that made her re-think her desire to die. 

The most touching part of the end is when Chihiro re-appears in the final chapter. She tells Mika that Hibino reached out to her to take care of his personal affairs (which were trivial) before his eventual passing. Both Mika and Chihiro laugh over Hibino’s actions. And Mika says one of the most powerful lines regarding loss with a huge smile on her face.

“I'm so weird. I can’t shake how sad I feel, but here I am, laughing.” 

I’m gonna get into something I haven’t really talked about here. 4 years ago, a pet bird of mine died after having him for 12 years. The morning he died, I saw him looking very ill. I left for work and came home to find him dead. I was in a state of disbelief and sadness. I did tell some of my friends about my pet bird’s death and one of them told me to celebrate their life. Although I’m not going to pretend that my pet bird thought like a human, he looked like he had fun while he was alive because he sung quite a lot in loud and happy fashion. I laugh now when I think about the times my bird made me smile with his behaviors.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve been reading up on grief and ways to talk about it without dismissing the subject entirely. One thing that stood out to me was when someone talks about a loved one who passed away, the first thing asked is “What happened to them?” I think people do this because they want to be certain that whatever befell the person who died won’t happen to them. A better thing to say is “Tell me more about them. Tell me how they lived. Tell me what were they liked. Tell me your favorite memories of them.”

There’s a huge collective silence that subtly makes its mark when talking about emotional memories. There’s cases where people might be deemed “too emotional” and put on a “someone to avoid” list. However, if you really want to feel connected to someone, being a bit more emotional than usual is what makes relationships stronger, not weaker.

People going through grief often don’t get a proper chance to talk about the ones they lost with love. There needs to be a better collective response in giving opportunities to them to speak out. Accepting death and all it brings is what really moves us to treasure and move forward in life. At least, that’s what Kamatani is trying to say with HIRAETH and their approach in talking about death.

HIREATH is an amazing manga that talks about a subject rarely talked about in Western culture. It’s uncomfortable to read at times due to so much focus on facing one’s mortality, but the characters make you feel alive and ensure that it’s okay to face it when you have the people you love at your side. And more importantly, accepting the pain of the past can lead to a present and future that you want to fight for and cherish.

To quote a BBC article on the subject of hiraeth (which is a concept in the country of Wales and the source of inspiration for the manga),

"It (Hiraeth) can be quite revealing, in a way. It can give you an idea of how you want to live, so you can try to embody that happiness and bring it with you into everyday life."

[juniperhillpatient]

The Serpent's Pass Re-watch

Ooh, I love this episode so much - the return of Jet & Suki, two characters with criminally low amounts of screen time! Also, I'll admit I'm a sucker for storylines about hope & what it means to regain it during a dark time in the characters' journeys. Call me corny, but I love it. The baby being named "Hope" in the end gets me every time.

Seeing Katara have fun at the start of this episode is so endearing. I love her water-bending bomb. I do wish that the Gaang could've taken a moment to thank Katara or acknowledge how brave she was in the last episode because she was kinda treated like crap despite being the hero & now everything is back to normal.

Suki popping up & pretending to harass Sokka as a guard is so cute. I love their dynamic in this episode & I love the complex layer added by Yue. I've been waiting for my favorite moon girl to haunt the narrative a little more & here she is. I'm obsessed with this shot.

'The Swamp' hinted that Sokka was struggling with guilt over Yue's death & I'm so glad that they went somewhere with that arc for Sokka in this episode. Sokka was tasked with protecting Yue & even though she chose to sacrifice herself, that's going to weigh heavy on Sokka. I loved that in the end, it was the knowledge that Suki had come along to protect him that allowed Sokka to move past his fear of getting close & his obsession with protecting Suki from harm & kiss her.

Suki is a character that I've always said I love on the surface, but I wish the writers had dived just a little deeper. She's a warrior, but she's also a girl. We see in this episode the way she teases Sokka & the entire dynamic between them that she's brave but she's also goofy. She's also vulnerable & deeply understanding & forgiving (a lot of people would have been more hurt by Sokka's brief rejection.) There's a layer of complexity to Suki that is scratched in episodes like this but she's simply not given enough screen time or background which is a shame. Oh well, I really enjoyed her in this episode. +1000 iconic behavior points for rescuing Toph & +100 to Suki & Sokka each for their goodbye kiss. (Sidenote - why isn't Suki/Toph a more popular ship after that accidental kiss?)

Katara & Aang's arc in this episode is great. It's funny I keep saying how much I love their dynamic & what they mean to each other because I think that most of my mutuals & followers know I dislike them as a romantic pairing. But, this re-watch is reminding me how much I love their friendship (the first time I watched, I never even knew they were meant to be a serious romantic pairing until toward the end of the show, I thought it was just a fleeting crush from Aang.) I shouldn't have let parts of the fandom / the comics ruin that for me for a bit, & I'll try not to from now on & instead just focus on what I like in the actual show. Aang feeling hopeless because of Appa's loss is just.... heartbreaking. This line especially got to me: "Hope is not going to get us into Ba Sing Se and it's not going to help find Appa. We need to focus on what we're doing right now and that's getting across this path." It's a reflection of Aang's character development, in my opinion, that he is continuing to try to be strong. This isn't the same goofy kid from Book 1, he's grown & accepted his responsibility as the Avatar, & he's trying so hard to be strong despite his own inner hurt. And for Katara, someone who believes so strongly in hope, to have to hear that...ouch. We saw it last episode & we see it again in this episode, Katara is completely motivated by hope & idealism against all odds. She can't just focus on the moment, she has to believe in a better future. So, of course, it's her, in the end, who brings that hope back to Aang. Also, +1000 Iconic Behavior Points for delivering a baby at 14 years old. She is now in the lead, even surpassing Azula.

Jet is back!!! And he's on his own journey to redemption. I gotta say, I feel like Sokka & Suki's scenes & Jet & Zuko's scenes kept happening back to back & like these two duos were sort of the a plot b plot romances of the episode, like I'm just saying -

I'm going to play devil's advocate & say that Iroh joking about being a tourist wasn't quite the dick move many fans say it is. I don't think Iroh actually thinks of himself as a tourist, I feel like he was just trying to cheer Zuko up because Zuko was feeling so upset about the idea of being a refugee. Which - I mean, understandable. Zuzu is used to being a pampered prince, of course, he's freaking out about eating grubby food but there's more to it too. He's being hunted by his own nation - his own sister. On his father's orders.

Then along comes Jet, & Zuko has his bisexual awakening & decides to help "liberate some food." Be gay do crime anyone? +1000 iconic behavior points each. Genuinely though, this episode gives us yet another look at Jet's more heroic traits. Even in Jet's titular episode where is an antagonist, we see a traumatized kid who is trying to take care of other traumatized kids, whether he goes about it the right way or not. Now we see that Jet still considers himself an outcast, & cares deeply about looking after other outcasts & victimized people - just now without quite such violent methods. What changed though? I would love to know more about what Jet & the Freedom Fighters were up to during the time between Book 1 & this episode. Jet seems to deeply regret his past -

Jet: I've done some things in my past that I'm not proud of, but that's why I'm going to Ba Sing Se: for a new beginning. A second chance.

Iroh: That's very noble of you. I believe people can change their lives if they want to. I believe in second chances.

Jet & Zuko's journeys parallel each other so strongly. They meet while they're both questioning everything & feeling lost & uncertain, both heading to Ba Sing Se because they hope for a better future - & "hope" as a theme makes itself known again! This episode hurts more upon re-watch because I know that Jet won't actually get to experience the hope for a better future or second chance that the narrative is hinting is possible. Also, I want to throw in that I think it's heavily hinted that Katara's anger was the catalyst for Jet's change of heart about his methods. What happened after the Gaang left? I guess the villagers now know that Jet & the Freedom Fighters were planning on flooding them out...Maybe Jet was confronted by some of the people that he planned to hurt, & he was forced to face his own intentions & consider why they were wrong?

Jet: You know, as soon as I saw your scar, I knew exactly who you were. You're an outcast, like me. And us outcasts have to stick together. We have to watch each other's backs. Because no one else will.

Zuko: I've realized lately that being on your own isn't always the best path.

I'm supposed to just move on with my life after this scene?

Also, sorry but - "In case you haven't noticed, I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit in & I don't want to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid wheat in my mouth? That's weird."

Legitimately though, the way that they set up Jet & Zuko as both on a similar path to redemption & the potential for Jet to face the idea that the Fire Nation prince isn't so different from him after all & that they work well together & for Zuko to bond with one of the people his country believes should be wiped out & crushed & to see himself in this other broken kid....I'm so normal & fine about them it's great 🙂

This is a great episode, possibly my favorite non-Azula Book 2 episode thus far. I loved the Sokka/Suki & Jet/Zuko scenes, I found Toph & her moment with Suki funny & cute, I loved Katara's perseverance & hope against all odds, & I loved Aang regaining his hope in the end - followed, of course, by a scary cliffhanger with the appearance of the drill!

[multitrackdrifting]

[ endwalker spoilers ]

Someone asked on twitter why people's WoL teleports the scions back to the ship at the end of Endwalker and this is my answer. (just to be clear, it is a question about temperament and how you interpret the action).

Teleporting your team that you've journeyed with can be at odds of journeying together or contradict the message of your series (see: the Soul Eater anime ending being abysmal).

In the context of FFXIV, I see my Warrior of Light as understanding how the journey has shaped him. He knows that if they are engaged with Endsinger, there is a risk that some or all of them may die trying to stand against her power.

It's not a difference of power levels that makes them at risk of dying, it's the necessity of their presence. Yes, you have been supported every step of the way through your journey, but you carry their hopes, ideals, their everything within you because of how intimately you know your fellow scions. Y'know when Zack accidentally made Cloud kin him from the trauma? Think that, but a little more positive and helpful for the development for your WoL. Their hopes and dreams are things you're acutely aware of (maybe not Y'shtola but that's a topic for another day).

You no longer need them at your side to be able to represent them on a symbolic level - they have given you what you need to stand against despair whether you're united as one or standing alone at the edge of existence.

Bringing them along actually poses a risk to their wellbeing, but my WoL knows that there is a zero percent chance of failure. Through loss, through triumph, he has gained experience, wisdom and so much more that cannot be replicated unless they are all accounted for and netted up to bring him to the person that he is today.

"Every word on our hearts engraved" is not just the will of others that he carries, but how he envisions and accepts the world around him for what it is and still imagines it to change and be better. The will of the universe is coalescing at the edge of existence to push him forward. It's not an act of self-sacrifice, nor is it an act of stubborness or caution.

It's the unwavering belief that if one person can sing their part of the chorus, that Your Answer will pierce the darkened heart that she has. She finds nothing definitive in what you say because that's how one determines meaning from their lives and their experiences.

That unpopular song nobody knows that went 7x platinum on your ipod means a fucking lot to you and no person who picks apart the "objective" qualities of the song or production of it can undermine that. There is no rhetoric, no logical argument that can undermine what osmething means to you in a way that removes that meaning that you've derived.

The answer you've derived it was not definitive, but that's why that answer is so beautiful. Your answer is lived in, it's informed by who you are, who you were, and it still leaves things open for who you will be. It's the continued growth and development of yourself, and all life and systems around you that make Hope such a powerful thing.

There is no ONE answer, and that is exactly why hope can defeat despair. No matter what idea you can conceive of to despair, hope can make a solution.

They are infinites. Infinities are not numbers, or fixed entities, they're like, conceptual. On the scale of reasons that life should be eradicated, reasons that life should go on will continue to be generated and experienced.

The premise she was basing her search on was wrong, and Emet Selch literally pointed that out to Hermes from the jump (I still love him However).

But Meteion proves my internal canon because she is overwhelmed despite the lack of an answer. She couldn't fathom the magnitude to which something could mean something to someone, and that in and of itself acting as proof of their existence. Life has no reason you go forward, or why you do it, but there are moments that build up to a journey that truly cannot be understood unless you understand it from the mind of the person who feels that way - which is what she can do with her gift.

He (my WoL) knew that there was no chance of failure, because he had conviction and the strength of everything that he has done, everything that has shaped him to move him forward to fight on behalf of something greater (existence itself) in the face despair.

The other scions were not there with him physically, but their everything was already engraved on the shape of his soul.

It's that simple.

How you see something is a recurring idea in FFXIV, and how you see your dearest friends, is something that doesn't necessarily have to be 100% accurate or true, and it is still valid and means a lot to you, to the point that you can defeat the direst foe at the edge of existence without having to prove how much they mean to you to that person.

It's normal to misremeber, to be imperfect, or to have to continually hurt, grow and change. And yet an imperfect being with a tragedy filled life can reduce the pain of existence down into nothingness, and that in and of itself is proof that there was never a chance to fail.

There was no need to risk any of the scions dying when you already knew you had the most valuable thing about them other than their presence. Their loving memory and experiences that they have given you.

[deanismysavior]

Everyone has kept on stating “Mike loves El”, even before the monologue, but I don’t see people bringing El’s own love into the discussion. It’s like her feelings are taken for granted. During Mike and El’s fight this season, I saw El as needing a verbal confirmation from Mike that he loved her not because she needed Mike’s love in particular, but because she felt already unloved, alone and isolated. She needed to know that someone still cared about her, and Mike specifically hadn’t done a great job at it after getting to Lenora. Her doubts on Mike’s love for her serve her storyline: her feeling unloved and a monster is what prompts her to go on her journey. She needs Mike’s love because she wants to be seen, and his monologue comes at the end of that journey where, even narratively speaking, she needed to get what she had asked for in order to potentially move on from that feeling of isolation that she felt. Shortly: I didn’t see El’s desperation at Mike being unable to tell her I love you as someone who’s afraid of having her feelings unreciprocated by her boyfriend. I saw it as the desperation of someone who can’t find their place in the world, is doubting their own morality and therefore the legitimacy to be loved. She feels like a monster, so she feels she can’t possibly be loved. Mike plays into her insecurities, and it’s got more to do with her journey than with Mike’s, I feel. They couldn’t have Mike tell her he loved her or she wouldn’t have felt the need to go to that training. But in the end, does she really love Mike, or does she just feels the need to be reassured that she’s still seen and loved despite being “a monster”? And that’s also exactly why what Will describes in his own monologue aren’t El’s feelings but his and his only. El has accepted the training precisely to learn that she isn’t a monster, that monsters and superheroes are fairytales stuff, and that she has a place in the world and she has the right to feel loved. She needed to be told by Mike that he loved her, but that’s where I think his monologue actually fell flat: her learning that she’s not the monster has to go hand in hand with the fact that she’s not a superhero either, something that Mike fails in letting her understand.

Yeah, I saw a lot of El's need to be reassured that she's loved in this season as a result of her having lost Hopper, on top of all of the insecurity that comes with losing her powers and moving states. I mean, El loves Joyce and Will and Jonathan, but up until the end of season 3, she wasn't particularly close with any of them, save maybe Joyce, but even still, none of that compares to the history she has with Hopper, and his loss I think really drove her to seek reassurance and validation from Mike because since leaving Hawkins Lab, he's pretty much been the only other constant in her life. I mean imagine how isolated you would feel after losing your dad, losing the quality you thought defined you, moving in with a new family, and moving away from the only other people you've ever been able to rely on, and then, on top of all that tumultuous shit you have to wade through, you start to feel the one person who's always been there for you pulling away and becoming emotionally distant and you have no idea why? In a way, Mike has been getting a lot more than he signed up for with this relationship. Even if he may not necessarily realize it, he now holds the brunt of El's emotional support system, and when you're a teenager who's confused as hell about yourself too, you really don't know how to appropriately handle that. El has always come across as a person who's been able to handle herself, but now, for the first time, she's really attempting to reach out for support, but instead of asking for it, she confronts Mike about not saying he loves her, and even though she wants this action to confirm to her that he has her, she's actually pushing him away here. Just like Mike can't see the deeper implications of why El needs to be reassured, El can't see how much the stakes of their relationship have raised since she lost Hopper and how much extra pressure that puts on Mike. Mike doesn't know how to handle El needing him like that because he's always been sidelined in their relationship. Their relationship has always been about El or about saving the world, but I don't think it's ever really been about him, and whether he's conscious of it or not, that puts a lot of strain on his and El's relationship. I think in the space they spend apart this season, they both come to realizations about what they actually need, and both of them realizes it's not what they've been asking for. Mike doesn't need a superhero, he needs to be his own superhero and to feel what it's like to gain his own autonomy back. El doesn't need Mike to tell her he loves her, she needs to recognize that she loves and accepts herself with or without her powers and that her being different doesn't make her a monster or a freak. What they're saying to each other is actually more reflective of what they're lacking or how they're thinking about themselves. It's less that Mike doesn't love El anymore, it's that El doesn't love El anymore and that she sees herself as a monster. It's less that Mike needs El to be his superhero, it's that he needs not to feel inferior and like he has no sense of self outside of being Superman's partner.

[gaegalsyd]

Tracing Footsteps in the Wind

summary: You are a peculiar who travels through different loops to help different ymbrynes in their loop and their children. But what will happen when you visit the loop of one ymbryne called Miss Peregrine. Will you find friendship, sorrow, or love?

Chapter 2: It doesn't matter where we take this road

1

The next morning, you decided to help Miss Kestrel make breakfast for the children so you made your way downstairs silently after changing from your sleepwear and fixing your hair. The smell of the waffles in the kitchen wafted in your nose, and the sizzle of the bacons was the only sound in the area. Miss Kestrel was there alone sipping her tea while making sure none of the food got burnt.

“Good morning Miss Kestrel, anything I can do to help?” the older woman acknowledged you by preparing another cup of tea for you “Good morning y/n you can set the table, and what’s your preference for your tea?” You took the plates and utensils before responding with a smile “the usual, miss.”

After setting the plates, one of the older children came down to help prepare for breakfast and after a while all of the children were seated at the table and were already eating.

While everyone is eating, the headmistress cleared her throat to catch everyone’s attention “children, Miss y/n will be leaving the loop after breakfast, I expect you would want to say a proper goodbye to her” the children looked at you in surprise and started asking questions like “will you come back?” “Can you send us photographs?” which you all answered easily.

After breakfast you gathered all your things and went downstairs and saw the children and Miss Kestrel waiting for you. The older woman patted your back while all the children gave you a hug. “Be careful out there y/n, you can send us a letter anytime you need anything” Miss Kestrel said while holding your arm.

You thanked her and everyone in the house, and once you’ve exited the loop you felt the vast difference in the atmosphere and time. Without looking back, you started your journey towards Cairnholm.

The travel from Brighton to Cairnholm would have been a lot easier without the war and trying not to get any attention for yourself. But while you are in the boat on the way to the island, you are starting to feel at ease and are already thinking of how the children are. And when you saw the shape of the island you noticed a bird flying, a peregrine falcon to be exact, you knew that there is a big chance that this is the ymbryne of the new place you’ll be calling home but you did not do anything to acknowledge it.

When the boat stopped, you immediately got off it and started walking around the island. You can feel that this island must have been through a lot just with the look of the houses with doors and windows closed, and with the people being in a hurry as if trying to get to their destinations to get out of the open area as soon as possible. The island is not that picturesque, not that you are expecting it to be picture perfect, the weather is gloomy and the air is a bit cold that matches the atmosphere of the island. Walking around, you did not see any hint of the loop or a place where the children may stay while they are on the island, that’s why you did not hesitate to enter the first pub you saw which is the Priest Hole.

“You there! You don’t look familiar, what brought you here? ``One of the men in a Welsh accent asked you, and when you were about to approach them, a woman asked “Are you here for the children?” which surprised you because surely they don’t know about peculiars or if they do then that could be troublesome, you thought. You said yes hoping that they did not notice the hesitancy in your voice, then one man approached you and placed a hand to your shoulder then said sorry for your loss. You sat on one of the chairs and took a drink, after listening and engaging to some of their conversations, you learned that the house was bombed and not one survived. “So the house was bombed but where is the entrance to the loop” you thought quietly, after a while you asked some questions in hopes that you’ll get some answer to where the entrance is but when you got nothing you just sighed and asked “Can you tell me the direction to their house?” after giving the directions the owner of the pub reminded you “The house was bombed just a few weeks ago, it might not be safe to wander too much and be careful of the bogs” You gathered your things and thanked the people “ I might leave as soon as I see the house, thank you for the directions”

The path towards the house is not an easy path, they must have stopped maintaining it after the house was bombed since it is the only house on that side of the island. And when you saw the home, your heart sank despite knowing that every occupant survived. The front part of the roof is completely shattered and some parts are just waiting to fall around, and it is reeking the smell of smoke and burnt woods but you walked closer. It was probably raining a few days after the bombs but you cannot bring yourself to come inside the home since from your inspection, the building is very unstable as of the moment and would need a few more weeks until anyone can safely come inside.

Assuming that the entrance of the loop must be close, you started to walk around the house until you felt a presence, then saw footsteps that ended just beside you. “Is someone there? I can feel you and you’re not so good in hiding” you pointed the footsteps, then you heard a sigh “You must be miss y/n, Miss Peregrine asked us to fetch you” you smiled towards the air where you think the voice came from and grinned “Why don’t you lead the way then” After saying those words, a girl with red hair and a leather gloves approached you from behind the trimmed bushes that you assume to be once a garden, with clothes in her hand which she handed to the invisible boy you were talking to “you were naked the whole time” you said in disbelief.

The girl with red hair giggled and said “ My name is Olive, that is Millard, and yes he was naked the whole time”

The only respond you had was an “Oh”

“My name is Bronwyn!” a little girl with brown curly hair said. You knelt in front of her “Hello Bronwyn, my name is y/n” you offered your hand to her which she accepted “I did not notice you immediately, young lady” you added and made Bronwyn giggle.

“Let’s go, Miss Peregrine would not appreciate not being on time” Olive said that prompted you to stand and follow her.

On the way to the entrance, you had small talks with the three of them while keeping track of every turn and step you took but you realized that you were approaching a cave near the beach. Realization hit you that if you were left on your devices to look for the entrance, it would take you so much time. After making sure that no one followed the three of you, you entered the loop and heard a ringing and a pop! That means you have successfully entered the loop. When you emerged from the small cave, you were surprised by the shift in the weather and atmosphere. It was sunny and everything was vibrant, there’s no sign of rain or fog, you could even hear the chirping of the birds and the laughter of the children as you neared the house. It was just a few weeks ago when this loop was made but this is perfect.

You saw the house in its glory and almost forgot what it looked like when you first saw it as a ruin. The sun had already set and lights were already lit but it did not make the grounds look less than perfect. When you stepped to the porch, the three children excused themselves to finish their chores, and when you were about to knock, the door swung open to reveal the silhouette of a woman about as tall as you with her hair done in an updo and she’s holding a pipe. The woman stepped outside and you finally saw what she looked like, and the first thought in your mind is that she’s beautiful and far from what you are expecting, her hair is dark with strands of dark blue which is probably a thing with the ymbrynes, her eyes are light blue reminding you of the sky and it is accentuated by her dark makeup around it, and her lips are rosy as if tempting you to kiss her. She took the pipe from her mouth and looked at you and you looked back at her and figured that comparing her eyes to the sky does not do her any justice for it also has some shade of green but can be mistaken for gray. But you still cannot remember where you first saw her.

“You must be Miss y/l/n. Alma Peregrine, delighted to meet you” she offered a hand which you accepted and the faster beating of your heart did not go unnoticed to you. “Yes, that would be me” the ymbryne looked from your head to your toe with a curious glint in her eyes before smiling widely “come in dear, welcome to our loop”

The smell of bread and vanilla inside the house was the first thing that reached your senses, you were welcomed by a house that gave you comfort and coziness.

“You have a very lovely loop Miss Peregrine” the woman smiled proudly and you thought that she looked even more beautiful when smiling “Thank you dear, and please call me Alma without the presence of the children”

“Then you can call me y/n” you smiled at her. She guided you to a room upstairs where you will be staying and before she left she placed a hand to your arm “The children are done for supper and I’ll bring some foods here, you may rest early if you wish”

You sat in the bed before responding to the woman “good night, Alma” then she smiled at you and closed the door. And you were sure that if she would smile at you often, you would already be a happy woman with that alone.

[n1kolaiz]

"You want to know what death is? I'll tell you. Death is the loss of life. Despite everything doctors like me attempt... a patient's life can still fall through our fingers. You think death lies in the apex of science? Anyone with such little regard for life will die by my hand."

Character Analysis: Yosano Akiko

Age: 25 || Ability: Thou Shalt Not Die

BSD CHAPTER CHAPTER 65-66 SPOILERS

table of contents:

1. Author counterpart.

2. Yosano's history.

3. 'Angel of Death' defined.

4. Yosano and Atsushi.

YOSANO BRAINROT!*(#&!*@#($

1. Author counterpart.

Having been given the “Sho Ho” at birth, Yosano Akiko’s counterpart—the real-life author—was known for her zealous take on both feminism and pacifism.

Side note: Once again, to avoid confusion, I will use the name Sho Ho in reference to the real-life author, and Yosano in reference to the BSD character.

Sho Ho's writings were pretty much out-of-the-ordinary in her time, and despite being suppressed by the social norms of gender hierarchy, she sought to reform society’s view on the cultural perspectives of women and their sexuality (She expressed her love for a woman in one of her poems, but many still argued on whether she identified herself as queer or not.)

"Thou Shalt Not Die," Yosano's ability, is actually named after one of Sho Ho's most famous, controversial poems. She wrote it for her brother, who was a soldier in the war between Russia and Japan (1904-1905). In her poem, she expressed her general distaste for war and how her brother was a part of it.

O my young brother, I cry for you Don't you understand you must not die! You who were born the last of all Command a special store of parents' love

Would parents place a blade in children's hands

Teaching them to murder other men Teaching them to kill and then to die? Have you so learned and grown to twenty-four?

- excerpt from Sho Ho's poem, "Kimi Shinitamou Koto Nakare"

Her words were blunt enough to inflict guilt on her brother's conscience, as she wasn't afraid to express her disapproval over how her brother took part in the typical violent bloodshed and manslaughter of war. Such opinions perturbed the authorities, and her work was eventually banned from the public for a period of time. Later on, it was used as an anti-war statement.

2. Yosano's history.

Now, as for the character in BSD, Yosano is seen to be generally strong-willed, and later on, we see that she is terrifyingly compassionately ambitious in the way she treats her patients. She treasured life itself, and hated the thought of losing a patient.

Yosano had developed her relations with Mori Ougai back in the Great War, when she was just 11 years old. Her ability was a great benefactor in saving lives. Realistically speaking, she was used for her ability to heal injured soldiers and diminish the effect of any casualty acquired.

Initially, she wasn't aware of this, until one of her close friends pointed it out by subtly accusing Mori of manipulating her to participate in the War under the close-to false pretence of 'saving lives.'

As much as her ability did save lives, it also forced soldiers to return to the frontlines and suffer injuries over and over again. The soldiers were never given the opportunity to return to their families because of her ability. This obliged them to carry on in the war without any excuse, inserting them into a vicious cycle they had no escape out of.

Metaphorically speaking, Yosano's hatred for Mori sort of mirrors Sho Ho's disdain for war and fighting, don't you think? The way Kafka materialised Yosano's past was quite interesting because he used chapters 65 and 66 to explain Yosano's dislike for Mori, reflecting how Sho Ho used her poem to explain why she condemned the idea of war and how her brother was part of it.

Before the effect of her ability was fully understood, however, every soldier praised and thanked her for what an angel she was. One of the soldiers she had befriended and gotten close to even kept a tally of the number of times she had saved him. He was the one who gifted her the butterfly hairpin she wore all the time.

The weight of the truth that her ability was a curse rather than a blessing fully dawned on her when her soldier friend ultimately committed suicide, because the fact of being indefinitely trapped in the throes of war agonised him until his spirit gave out. This drove Yosano to loathe her ability, or rather, how it was used.

In the time she participated in the War, Yosano was given the alias 'angel of death' due to the control she retained over the battlefield, but I thought that perhaps Kafka had a reason behind giving her this title, so I did my research.

3. 'Angel of Death' defined.

Side note: I wouldn't want to disrespect any culture or religion, so if my citations are inaccurate and/or disrespectful, do feel free to correct me/let me know! I did research out of pure curiosity, and I don't intend to twist the significance of any of the interpretations.

I had to grow up learning about the basics of religious stuff, so it's kind of nice to study something out of the box, and very much against my father's rigid belief system :D

ARCHANGEL ARIEL

(archangel: an angel of higher rank)

I came across the few characteristics of angels/goddesses and their roles, and the one which really caught my attention was the female archangel, Ariel, the angel of nature.

[ source ]

In Hebrew, the name Ariel means 'altar' or 'lioness of God,' and her role is to heal. In addition to that, she is also recognised as a helper to another one of the seven main archangels, Raphael, whose role is to provide physical and emotional healing, too.

She is the protecter of the environment and the animals therein, and is bestowed with the duty to oversee the order of heavenly bodies as well as earth's natural resources. She assures the sustenance of food, water, shelter, and supplies of human beings, much like how a nurse is to a patient I suppose.

In relation to Yosano, I think this part is pretty self-explanatory, or perhaps this is blown out of proportion HA, so take this as a suggestion rather than a fact, because I'd like to believe that Kafka had a reason for giving Yosano a title as such.

In the past, I've come across the angel of death only to perceive it as a female grim reaper of some sort, so it was pretty cool to find that the word 'angel' and 'death' made up a title of a someone like Ariel, one of the purest forms of humility and compassion.

GREEK GODDESS PANAKEIA

For my beloved (wannabe/or not) students of Greek mythology (much like myself, let's make a cult!), you've probably heard of Panakeia, the goddess of healing. Medicine finds most of its vital significance in Greek history, and in its mythology, Panakeia is actually known for her ability to heal any kind of sickness.

[ source ]

Her name means 'panacea,' which is actually defined as a remedy for all diseases. Terminal diseases and injuries lead to death, right? This would bring us back to Yosano's ability to nullify any injury's effects on a person, keeping them from death itself.

Now, we know that in order for Yosano's ability to work, her patient, or victim, has to be in a near-death condition in order for her treatment to take effect. This can't exactly fit into the description of resurrection, but it can be described as some sort of rebirth.

GREEK GODDESS PERSEPHONE

So another goddess which reminds me of Sho Ho/Yosano, is Persephone, the goddess of spring and rebirth. Before Hades, the god of the underworld, fell in love with Persephone to take her to live with him, Persephone lived a happy life.

Hades, with his nature of darkness and the like, was captivated by how pure Persephone was, and stole her away from her former life to live in an environment which differed sharply from her natural aura of purity.

[ source ]

Remember when Yosano's friend left a note behind before he killed himself? The note said nothing except for, "You are too righteous." Take that as you will, but figuratively speaking, you could say Mori takes the role of Hades in the story, while Yosano can be portrayed as Persephone.

Sho Ho can also be a parallel of Persephone, in that she had to adapt to the realities of war and disharmony, while Persephone had to adapt to the raw darkness of the underworld with Hades.

Sho Ho stood against society's norms and decided to reform it, making her one of the most well-known feministic pacifist in history, while Persephone managed to escape from the underworld to return to her former position, earning the title the 'Bringer of Life,' or the 'Destroyer of Death.'

Furthermore, the way Sho Ho's anti-war poem took its effect later on, reflects the way Persephone restored balance in the world after returning from the underworld.

4. Yosano and Atsushi.

chapter 66; Yosano: "It's my fault that those close to me died... Is there some place where it's okay for me to live?"

chapter 8; Atsushi: "If I have any chance of saving them all, of returning them home safely, would that mean it's okay for me to keep on living?"

I couldn't help but think of Dazai and Atsushi back when I was reading through these panels. Ranpo (my beloved), along with Fukuzawa, accepted Yosano as she was, despite how her ability was a cause of despair and misfortune.

Ranpo looked past her mistakes and the entirety of how dark her past was to welcome her into the Armed Detective Agency. Dazai, on the other hand, knew who Atsushi was and what his ability had made him do before anyone else, and still decided to provide a safe place for Atsushi to find his sense of belonging, journeying with him as he learned to use his ability properly.

For more info about Dazai and Atsushi's dynamic, you can check out the analysis I did for Dazai :D

Atsushi desired to save people to prove his right to live, while Yosano made her wish to achieve the recovery of all her patients the reason for her existence.

Others would prefer to accuse both Yosano and Atsushi of having a saviour complex, but the reason why they pursued to save people with utmost dedication, stems from the nature of what their past was like. You know the saying 'from broken to beautiful?' Yeah, it's something like that.

The way their pasts were written out gave them a desire to change, which was, I daresay, initiated by the people who took them in: Ranpo and Dazai. Their abilities were demonised because of how they were used, but once they broke from their abilities' effect over their lives, they honed their skills to control them for the right cause instead.

In a less cynical point of view, I believe both Yosano and Atsushi stood for what was right, and wanted nothing but to achieve peace and harmony in whatever way they could, even if it meant risking their own lives to save others.

So yeah, that's it for my rants today. Thank you for reading, and if you have anything to add, go ahead! I'm open to discussions ;)

[heterodickpaper]

examining pippa and her relationship with theo through her end of book letter, part 2

you can read part 1 here: https://heterodickpaper.tumblr.com/post/674762422337323008/examining-pippa-her-relationship-with-the

so hopefully everything about pippa and her feelings for theo makes sense, but something was still bothering me about her letter. this is the thing theo has purportedly been longing for his entire life. why is it only discussed for a page, and not brought up again? i had a few ideas about this as well, which were the following:

theo recognizes that she’s right that they could never work out, and having emotionally matured decides not to waste more pining energy than necessary

theo doesn’t have any more pining energy to direct toward her, having allocated it all to boris

he refuses to accept that she’s right and so avoids talking about it to try and un-canon it

so at first 1 seemed the most likely, but while i think it’s partly true, other parts just don’t line up right. for example: emotionally matured who? he’s traveling the world through hotels, completely anchorless. he’s living in liminal spaces! if that’s not a metaphor for not having gotten complete closure/reached the end of his emotional journey i don’t know what is. another thing is that theo does understand pippa’s reasoning--he came to the same conclusion earlier in the book. he has a page long admission that his love for her is messed up and rooted in the loss of his mother, even if it’s branched off (or could branch off) into something else more organic. but theo being theo, i would have expected at least two paragraphs of yearning and/or sulking and/or self-pity-induced substance abuse. but nope. he tells us everything about what happened with her & her letter in a page, and in brackets (weird, cause this is like, A Big Deal!! and what, it’s a side note? after 700 pages of telling us you love her more than anyone in the world? i will get to discussing this too). and that’s the only time in the whole final chapter that she’s mentioned except for a single sentence near the end in the context of some long-winded life philosophy. and although i personally like option 2, it’s not the focus of this essay (rant? i’m not sure this deserves the title “essay”).

so onto option 3: he spends so little time on pippa and the letter because he’s worried that if he thinks about it too much, he’ll have to fully accept the impossibility of their relationship--something that despite his earlier confession, he clearly hasn’t done. that explains the brackets too--he’s trying to minimize the impact of what she said, which he also does by introducing it with “as for pippa:”. like, “as for pippa: in case you were wondering about the girl i’ve been infatuated with for this whole entire book. i mean i don’t really care but i mean if you reaaaaally wanna know i guess i’ll tell you.” he does this a lot throughout the book, since he’s writing it as one--maybe most notably around anything with even remotely gay undertones. he delivers only the barest facts, trivializes them, and then moves right along in hopes that the reader will too (i won’t.)

the part right after this seems to confirm that theo is still in denial. i read it so many times and it aggravated me so much (i should have known by then that means my frst impression was wrong). after telling us all the reasons why a relationship between them couldn’t work, theo basically says “fuck that! why don’t i go to london anyway?” my first thought was that ms tartt was trying for a grand romantic thing, but that wouldn’t make any sense! the book isn’t centered around romance, and the romance in the book is never romance in of itself--it’s always a mechanism that provides insight into theo’s character and motivations. so keeping that and the fact that theo is a highly unreliable narrator in mind, the idea that he might go to london makes more sense. it’s framed as some whirlwind fantasy not because donna tartt wants it to be one, but because theo does, and he’s the one who decides how things are depicted, whether that’s how they really are or not (in this case, not).

theo hammers the fact that he loves pippa into every interaction with her, but he never considers that maybe she doesn’t want to try being with him. she’s in a healthy relationship with someone who can support her, she has a new life--theo just can’t imagine that she’s not stuck in the past the way he is. and though he rationalizes what would be a terrible choice by assuring us he really doesn’t care about being “Dragged Down,” he doesn’t consider that maybe she does. (sidebar: this also supports my prev point about his not really knowing pippa--despite his love for her there’s lots about her that’s clear to us as the reader but not to him). and based on pippa’s (admittedly minimal) characterization, i don’t think she would consider it worth the pain and backwards progress to be with him. this also makes it clear how self-absorbed theo is--not that he doesn’t have reasonable cause to be in a bad mental place, but he’s definitely not in the right state to be in a relationship with someone just as traumatized as him, despite his thought that maybe he can “be the strong one.” remember, he’s living in hotels! he’s gotten closure with the painting, but he’s in a transitory state, approaching a fork in the road. we don’t know if he’ll really start to move on/heal or if he’ll turn back like he’s done in the past. my opinion is that to really move on, he needs to move on from pippa entirely (and he did almost do this, with kitsey, but as i said here the only reason he was able to do that was because he wasn’t emotionally attached to kitsey, so it was easier to “move on” because that relationship didn’t require that he relinquish his desire for pippa.)--because of the origins of his infatuation with her, to hold on to her is to hold onto his mother and the museum. like the goldfinch itself, his feelings for her are a representation of his trauma. i don’t think he could ever really have a normal relationship with pippa unless he turns all the way around and does some serious healing & confrontation of his issues. he doesn’t want us to think that, though, hence the brackets and quick moving on. so here’s my interpretation of what the letter passage means: theo knows that pippa is right, and that a relationship between them couldn’t work. however, he’s not (yet) at a place where he can accept that.

honestly i would love to read a fic where theo does go to london and pippa shuts him down & also tells him she can’t support him and then he moves on for real. with boris. or like a going to london for pippa and everett’s wedding fic. anyway if you made it all the way through thank you!! you are my favorite person. let me know what you think, especially if you disagree, and feel free to dm me any time! as you can probably tell i love talking abt tgf.