#i mean im not. lonely aligned? either?

[imaginepostingonmain]

i simply think every horror podcast should have a cast starring me: a lameass teenage boy with 0 relevance to the plot whatsoever. wait that's literally just what sonas are for isn't it. damn. outclassed by fandom once more.

[itzmoss]

i often think about grians fear alignments (like the magnus archives) and easiest is eye because of watcher and then lonely cus of a super cool post i saw earlier (if i can find it ill reblog it) BUT

He also fits with so many other ones

that i think hes just an archivist marked by all the fears and im sure people have alr come to this conclusion i just havent dont any deep dives yet of the hermit archives stuff (which i really want to)

so yea grian is just an archivist who originates from the eye... i might make more posts abt fear allignments and hermit/life series sillies

(also wth is with eye related thingies being either purple or green-- tma (green) wtnv (purple) loki/tva/the recent season of loki shanangins idrk how to explain it (green) watchers (purple) yea what i mean i love it two fav colors but i just find it neat)

[chocolate-pizza]

A weird shitpost tutorial to survive the Enteties

Sooo, you are currently in a life and death stand off with one of the Entites, and the great big spooky is currently winning. Well, heres i lovely little tutorial to surviving an encounter with each of the entities :)

(Bdw, these are based either escaping, beating or not feeding the entities, also spoiler warning for litterally all of the magnus archives)

Getting watched by the eye:

So you are going to want to by as many mirrors as possible. The smaller the better, by in bulk if possible. Then you want to glue these mirrors to a full body suit (such as a diving suit). Also get a ski mask to cover your face with and glue on the mirrors all over your face. "BuT hOw ARe YoU gOing To sEe???" One way mirrors, easy.

Getting lost in the Lonely

Easy, Music. Cant be depressed and lonely if the beats go hard as fuck.

Stuck in a Vast domain

Heres the thing with the vast. Its big, but not infinite. You are going to be falling/swimming/walking for a while, but you will get out eventually. Just get comfortable in the meantime(im not vast aligned at all, no no no of cource not.)

Shoved into the Buried coffin

Simple. Eat the dirt. You cant be stuck in something if there isnt anything to be stuck in.

Manipulated by the Web

I present, DnD. It is a game that is completely relies on luck, therefore there wouldnt be anything the web could manipulate.

Become engulfed with a supernatural Dark

The thing with the dark is that it only limits one of your senses, sight. You still have 4 other to rely on. Listen to noises, feel around and just kinda...leave

Eaten by the Distortion

In Helen's statement it is implied that just before she escaped (you can do that too if you're boring) The Distortion (aka Michael) was going to physically rip her to pieces, this however means that you can attack right back. Let me introduce, gun! Just shoot the fuken bastard.

Anything related to the Stranger

Violence. No really, the majority of stranger stuff can be beaten by using Slaughter endorsed methods, for example the entirety of the unknowing. Daisy just fuken murders hope, Tim almost kills Jon in his rampage presumably after killing half a dozen avatars and of cource the whole "just blow it all up" method to stopping the unknowing

tldr: if it's weird and uncanny just punch it.

Weird corruption mushroom

"Oh no, creepy mushroom. Kick it." -Alex. J. Newall

Slaughter avatar is trying to kill your ass

Shoot first, they may have a knife but they are still human.

Hunted by a Hunt avatar

So you remember Vitetnam? Well, you're going to have to follow their example, lay a trap or ambush the avatar and make sure that you have controll, then kill it.

The flesh pit ritual

Honestly, just follow Gertrudes example and blow it up. It's another entity you can use slaughter methods on.

Lit on fire by a spicy kiss

Stop drop and roll. STOP. DROP. ROLL

Confronted with the End

You can't run from your own end, death comes for everyone after all.

Sooo that ends this very professional tutorial to fucking over fear Gods, I will not be taking any criticism on my perfectly logical takes, Goodnight

[minalblood]

Ep 10... oh boy theres a lot to say with this one.

We begin with a nice twist. The woman needing help is Akrida and the victim is the other woman who's stopped to help. Since I've recently been reminded of it, this set up instantly made me think of Sam.meeting Cole for the 1st time, but in that the one flatlined actually needed help.

The Akrida committed to the acting I see.

God the actresses did such a good job raising the tension

LOVE seeing Millie do more handywork around. We dont have nearly enough of her getting into machinery

Mary and John hating being left to research is funny af to me.

Congrats Mary for getting into college and I like that John is actually happy for her, even ribbing her a bit. Love that dynamic actualy.

"Normal life will have to wait another day" thay cut deep fellas ngl. Mainly because i would argue its exactly what Sam and Dean told themselves to put off actually getting to do anything they wanted. And we have this exact sentiment echoed 5 min later by Carlos for why they need to break up with Anton (cant afford to with the fate of the world on their shoulders). The fact that both of these are accompanied by Dean's monologue about hunting and happy endings? Very very relevant to Dean and the life he led. But more importantly, the "how far will I go to get it" echoes back a few.more things amd makes it almost ominous. We'll come back to this when we meet Mr Sheffield (i dont remmeber the characters name rn, will use it later when they say it) since the dark meaning to Dean's words is highlighted by his story.

This might be the most clear indication of who Carlos was before the Winchesters, the version Samuel was mentioning when talking about them a few ep ago. The lone wolf version, the impulsive one, the not getting close to ppl one. Im very happy they've changed, i think they're happier like this.

Oh noooo, I forgot we have Roxy here 🥲 this'll hurt.

John and Mary see a tea set and alphabetized books out: now thats truly disturbing behaviour

John and Mary any other time: eh, thats normal

I live for the chaotic pair these 2 make together

Why tf does he still have the key if they threw him.out of the MOL? Then again, considering the many issues with the MOL, this is only a mildly annoying thing.

Ah yes, hunters are apes commentary, ffs what even started this bullshit feud between hunters and MOL?? It was there on Samuel's side too, and we even see Henry go with that particular opinion...

Sooo, either Jack was really the one experimenting on monsters or that actually was Hobbes' job, regardless we know what that turned into - not just the various bodyguards that our scooby gang has encoutered thus far, but the more insidious uses too like the monsters Cuthbert Sinclaire reprogramms or the manipulation of Mrs Butters or even Mary's own brainwashing. Safe to say all this send my mind to Naomi and how heaven has a very similar approach to keeping their angels in check. Fitting then that it's the Winchester side of the family that is MOL legacy with the Campbell side being the hunters family qho tends to go for a more straightforward will just eliminate the threat vibe (more hell aligned u could say). "A lobotomy makes most monsters subservient *wink*" he says and I cannot not be filled with revulsion on multiple layers. Including the actual issue with lobotomies generally and how their extended "use" was due to a fraud profitting off of people... yeaaaa all the red flags with Jack/Porter here. But also in general it goes back to the type of MOL we have in SPN, the exact kind that JAck/Porter is are the ones still alive, who have very little actual care of who they harm in their scientific pursuit.

Clear alarm bells sounding when askes about Henry, he has a very clear tell.

Hint hint nudge nudge about Jack/Porters lack of family

You know the thing that actually annoys me about people like Jack/Porter? The fact that if he'd applied his knowledge to actually get ppl depossessed he could've actually done something helpful, that would save ppl, but nope, instead he focused everything into his fixation and inability of letting go. To everyones detriment.

Well, Roxy's motel room reminds me of several times we've seen Dean in similar places... especially after the Mark got bad.

Roxy breaks my heart. Everytime.

And we have another instance of possession being portrayed as the violation it actually is. SPN had a few moments of showing this, most notably with Sam and Lucifer, but we've rarely had such an indepth showing of exactly how someone no longer possessed is coping. The only other ones I can remember clearly delving into are Jeffrey in s7 and Nick in s14, but in both those cases, Jeffrey and Nick were more akin toa depiction of Stockholm Syndrome or at the very least a dependence had been created having been possessed so long. Which is in itself a bit problematic a message to send tbh, but Roxy meanwhile is the opposite. Not only does she not want the Akrida back, she actively is trying to deny it ever having happened initially and she def doesnt want to be reminded of it.

Ironic that it's Carlos who says the forgetting isnt working for Roxy... considering

I also adore the parallel made between Jack/Porter and Lata in this episode? Like they both have that scientific curiosity that can become really dangerous (as seen with Jack) but unlike Jack, Lata actually wants to help people so she uses what she knows (just as much a type of brainwashing technique as Jack/Porters lobotomy fyi) to offer someone help. But! Lata asks for Roxy's consent and is upfront, where Jack/Porter is lying and manipulating and taking foe himself.

Mary's instant red flag reading of Jack/Porter for the win, but she should've listened to her instincts faster. She believes next to nothing of his words. I love her so much.

I love the round table Arkida scene... its so much fun to watch. Ironic that the Akrida call hunters pests... also yay Dean!

The fact that Jack/Porter is so so pissed off is his own downfall tbh. The bitter comments fucked up his facade.

Tonyyyyy yessss. Also Lata and Tony yaaay

I love how absolutely huge gossip queens both Lata and Carlos are.

I also love Carlos' little notepad during the scene with Roxy.

The description of her possession is way to visceral fuck I fogot how hard to watch this was. And how much it echoes to asault. Not even echoes tbh considering we have a clearer scene relating to sexual assault when Jack/Porter tries to have Dorothea possess Mary so thw comparison of possession to assault is very much there this episode.

Wonder if Jack Wilcox defected to the Brits in SPN? And began what would later be Lady Bevell's expertise? The fact that he even put on a British accent def is meant to remind us of Bevell and the Brits.

God Mary and John are obvious af that they suspect shit ... ffs kids!

Carlos continues to be the one that actually uncovers key info.

Aww, Carlos and Lata are so so kind and comforting with Roxy. I love them so much.

Im so proud of Roxy, but what I genuinely love about how the ep was written is that even if she'd have gone along with the erasing of her memory, it still would've been a valid way for her to move on. Like this it obviously works two fold in somewhat convincing Carlos they also should take a leap of faith that alls gonna be well with Anton, but its set up in such a way that regardless of Roxy's choice at the end, Roxy's own wellbeing was all that mattered however that looked. I can appreciate the nareative not ramming a specific interpretation down our throats.

Ah, yes, wartime decisions excusing the means... it nearly never actually applies tho, Jack. Tho I will say it's very satisfying having it be said to John who in SPN would use this exact rethoric for a while slew of shitty choices.

Now I wont get into the whole issue with the golem being used in this ep and specifically how they kill the golem - others have said far more better informed stuff on it (shoutout to @endofthebookpod fantastic episode discussion) and I do have a plethora of issues with it - what I do wanna say on the subject tho is that at leasr insofar as Jack is concerned it makes sense that he'd steal and use a golem for his own benefit (similar to how the nazi did in 8x13). The actual problem with this is how the writers chose to tackle dealing with the golem here. Because ultimately the golem is used as a weapon by Jack, just as all his lobotomised monsters were. But the ep chosing to not clarify a few things and deciding to burn the golem??? Not good fellas, not fucking good at all.

I do appreciate John's resilience in fighting the golem tho.

Like I said, the sexual assault parallel to possession is even more clear when discussion Mary's possession.

Gruesome death for Jack tho, I will say.

"Things we do for love"?!?! John Winchester I will murder you! If Mary doesnt do it first for u even suggesting that. I do apprwciate still seeing glimpses of SPN!John even now, 10 ep into it. Because for all that people can change, its very very hard to do so and its a slow process.

Thank you Mary for shutting it down immediately. High hopes that this low key promise they made here spells good things for their future. I do hope.

I also love that Lata explains why Roxy wanting to erase her traumatic memories isnt the same as Carlos avoiding dealing with his intimacy issues. But I also love that Carlos feels safe actually confiding in Lata, for all that they banter and shit talk they're each others person.

Perfect timing on the Tragic Haircut lady. Also yea, it def is a tragic haircut.

Noooo, Akrida!Kyle is here. Using Johns past against him is smart but also i need to read that file.

I will say, I never read Millie at the end as believing that John did anything like Ive seen in a couple of other places mentioned. I just saw it as her being a. Shocked about a dead body b. Shocked about John holding a dead body and c. The police being on her heels with john holding a dead body.

But that's all for today folks. Next up, ep 11. Slowly but surely making it through the show.

[angelofdudes]

Hi i just wanna go on a lesbian rant for a minute

How come women don't like me the way i like them? Like for as long as i can remember only men have liked me and even when i had no interest in them i was super lonely and i just let them hang around but i cant do this shit anymore, how come no one that aligns with my sexuality likes me in a deeper than skim-off-the-top-layer of soup way?? I talk with someone and they talk back for a while and then they end up either stop talking to me or they kind of become a background character to my life.

Is it the autism? The cane? Me being an introvert? My utter lack of defined gender? Or my utter lack of defined bra size?? I mean im not gonna change anything but wtf is it that's putting distance between me and other lesbians? How come I don't have a community? How come i don't have a partner?

[mach1ne-g1rl]

Saw your most recent post on dhmis and tma and I've got opinions to say I believe Computers is an Eye episode because Colin's whole deal is stealing personal info and being smart but its not my strongest I see Jobs as a buried because while it doesn't involve much claustrophobia its more about harmful workplaces and overworking which ties in with the buried in a symbolic sense. I will argue so strongly Death is an End episode. The End is LITERALLY the fear of death smh. While I can see the argument its a Stranger because of Stain Edwards the theme of death is so strong that it isn't that relevant. I see Family as both Stranger and Corruption, Stranger because the whole episode feels very uncanny with the design of the family and set being a "real" place. It's also Corruption because the episode is about toxic family relations. I still cannot believe how you thought Friendship was originally a Vast episode. While I can see why you would assign it Lonely it's clearly a Corruption, it's literally about toxic friendships. Also bugs. Tbh i don't know what to assign to Transport my closest guess is Vast but my argument isn't very strong Electricity is a hard one, I don't think i can assign it to one entity. I think Electracey is a Extinction avatar because she's a robot and the "everything in the home will be plugged in and part of the electric family" line. I could see Charged Yellow being either Eye, Stranger or Extinction. Eye because he's want to find the truth and also green eyes, Stranger because Yellow gets replaced, and Extinction because he gets replaced using specifically technology. The power outage is probably Dark because darkness. Lesley is a Web avatar, I will fight you on this. She's controlling them, she's the literal puppet master. You said that Lesley isn't the main one pulling the string making her less Web aligned but I would argue that makes her MORE web aligned because she's knows she's not fully in control. I interpret becoming a web avatar as not only being manipulative, but accepting your lack of free will. As Annabelle said in 147, "let it never be said that I do not dance the steps I am assigned." Sorry this is long and probably sounds a little rude i just have very strong opinions on tma and dhmis have a lovely day

COmputer being eye was also on my first post but i removed it bc i didnt think it was part of the big Fear factor ? but the way you phrased it does make it work

jobs being buried makes sense too !! my main reason for it being spiral is just Duck calling everything out and then Also going weird ? and then going back to "this is all wrong" very strongly (also the episode is reminiscent of Sculptor's Tool to me with only duck pointing out how this is Odd)

death SHOULD be end ur right , i just didnt think anyone in dhmis seemed very scared of the Death there ? so i thought it wasnt very important but Yeah when you mention it its definitely end ty (Or desolation bc it also feels like . theyre more focused on the grief of losing someone n not the Fear of Death ? if that makes sense=? but i dont rly get the End and Desolation anyway so)

CORRUPTION FOR FAMILY IS SO RIGHT i think i considered corruption for it at one point but i second guessed myself enough to remove it again . and stranger never reallly seemed correct to me but it was the closest and i had no one to discuss with so i ran with it:sob:

IM SORRYY LSITEN OK i hadnt listened to tma in full when i made the first list. i just read the entities wiki page and heard season 5 ..!!!! honestly idk if i agree with corruption bc , while thats probably the deeper meaning of the episode (toxic friends) warren always seemed like just an autistic asshole to me so i never saw the whole . toxic thing ? and he never really actually seemed friends with any of them ?? yea taking advantage of their kindness but i wouldnt call it a toxic relationship bc there never Was a Relationship to me (probably factually wrong n im being ignorant here but its my list and blehh :P im biased towards warren) and im probably just forgetting something bc i havent rewatched it in a while but are there bugs besides warren (are worms bugs)?

transport i assigned Web bc red guy being like . aware of the whole They're Trapped There thing and trying to escape and Lonely bc they're trying to get to other people/ civilization/ community but are just . stuck ? and in some episodes the lonely just takes ppl to endless places that they cant leave (cul-de-sac is the only one i remember) and it just (again) reminded me of that

ELECTRICITY /SHOULLD/ be more than 1 or 2 very true but i just Really hate assigning more than 2 to these idk why ive set that rule for myself but it just feels wrong, disorderly and i dont like it . but yes i can see electracey being extinction (tbh i feel like teachers being avatars/ assinging them patrons/fears could be a whole other list itself) Charged Yellow being stranger i disagree. yes hes replaced but it feels more like . if s1 jon got replaced by s5 jon ? does that make sense ? I HAD DARK For this episode too bc the power outage but it didnt feel like a big fear factor here ? and i just didnt think it was significant enough (the dumb self-imposed rule) Lesley IS web coded i completely forgot annabelle for a second when i made this :sob: ive had too much michael on my mind and i thought being trapped wasnt enough of a theme here ? not like it was in Transport or like Dreams but yea it definitely should be Web

IM GLAD this is long i like hearing other ppls thoughts and input on this silly stuff (it did sound a little rude at times but dw i get it) I think at the end of the day the way we judge these is just Very different? Unless you disagree, i dont think the web series is this "up for debate" as the tv show is bc it just has . Less. There's maybe 3 lines at the start, then the teacher comes in and starts singing about what they embody, then the horrors and the end (only the last 3 episodes rly made me question which Power would be associated with them bc it kinda follows a plot so they could all a little be taken as web and lonely with red guy?) Theres just so many more ways the TV show can be interpreted. These could be judged on the Teacher, the Lesson, the thing that scares the characters, the thing that scares the Audience, symbolism/manifestations, etc. (i think i just went with whatever seemed the most relevant to me / what scared the characters ? but i was also being pretty inconsistent there lmao) i feel like there would probably have to be multiple lists or just one BIG list of everything that could count as one of the entities ? or maybe im blowing this out of proportion and its really simple for you, and only i struggled with this :,) either way it was fun ! and i think thats all that matters maybe the real dhmis tma entities assigning list were the friends we made along the way aww

[kittycatxoxo1]

DEKUSQUAD

_____________

izuku midoriya: avatar of the eye

shoto todoroki: lonely avatar

hitoshi shinso: web avatar

tenya iida: hunt avatar

ochacho uraraka: vast avatar

tsuyu asui: corruption avatar

__________________

THE LOV

____________

dabi: desolation avatar

shiggy: end avatar

toga: slaughter avatar

kurogiri: stranger avatar

mr. compress: vast avatar

mange: buried avatar

spinner: hunt avatar

twice: spiral avatar

____________________________________________________

i think for deku its obvious! his thirst for knowledge of quirks, how they work and his fear of his peers in episode 1!!

shoto was also obvious!! he was isolated from his siblings and when he wasn't with endeavor he was watching his mother pull away from him.

hitoshi as a web avatar was to good to pass up!! like the reason hes an avatar could be because of a Leitner, just stumbling in to the wrong place orrr followers of the web used him in a ritual because of his quirk!!!

tenya was pretty hard but him hunting down the hero killer really made me look at him as a hunter and him running after people

ochacho as an avatar of the vast is also obvious!!! vast as the fear of falling or hights or space!!

for tsuyu i was stumped 🤔 till i remembered that one of the plagues in the bible was frogs and i was just like ok avatar of the corruption! 👍 she got frogs coming out of her

..........................................

dabi is just desolation align!!! he is the male jude perry!!! a jude perry kin if you will lol

for tomura him having the "all my quirk does is destroy" thing going on it just feels like end vibes

toga not only feels like slaughter align but also hunt so either could be for her really

ur gonna look at me and say what happened to kurogiri isn't what Nikola would do??? she literally did it to danny.....

for compress he just feels like a vast avatar like did you hear simon??? i feel like they would be friends

twice gives “im not a who but a what” vibes

manges quirk is magnetic so she could crush people or make metal collapse and crush people! she just feels like buried

spinner literally looks up to a hunt avatar!! spinner and the hero killer are hunt avatars

and last but not least! AFO is Elias Bouchard (does that mean the 1st ofa user was jon???)

.....................

this is free to use so if you want to write it you can!!

[96xie]

stepping back

i think this is a topic that was bound to come up sooner or later but i think its kinda good that it was brought up so i can rethink some things. im veryyyy vocal about not having kids. everybody should expect that i will not be popping a baby out of me. nope. like have you seen the state of this world? have you seen how expensive it is to raise one?? how your mental peace is gone? how theres really no time for yourself? i love and value my alone time and peace so much like ... i really cant be sacrificing that. i can help raise and take care of my friends and family’s babies, like i can definitely do that but at the end of the day im able to have time for myself. 

i thought about being a foster parent or possibly adopt but like even those arent forsure. i just know i will not be raising a baby !!! also my mental state is so whack like, im still recovering from the trauma my parents had inflicted on me and im just so worried that what if i unintentionally treat my child the same way my parents had done to me? i would hate that so much. im still learning to love myself and to honor my body, its so difficult. 

he brought up how he would be a great dad and HONESTLY he would be !! and that kinda triggered me cuz i already implied tht i would just raise dogs and stuff. and yeah, made me a bit upset because i do like him and id like a future with him but if he wants kids and i dont, why should i continue to pursue him? like im just gonna disappoint him in the future, should i just like end it now? and now im disappointed because all these months made me believe like ~i feel like we’ll have a future together since he’s asking me to wait for him and all these stuff~ and now im rethinking it. like ive see so many stories where couples that have been together for yearssssss break apart because one wants kids and one doesnt and that makes me SO upset. ive seen how broken my parents were and i dont want that that to happen to me. im so used to disappointments that im so well guarded and im preparing myself to get away from heartbreaks. and i just want to nip this in the bud so i dont have to stress over it in the future, ya know? iono im just. ugh really. i dont want to be heartbroken in the future, i want to prevent that. and this sucks cuz YA KNOW i like him alot but if our ideas dont align, why bother trying? at the same time, we’re still early in the talking stages i guess.... i mean 7 months is kinda ..... yeah ... i mean anyways theres intentions of getting serious but i guess i can reserve this convo in person, if we ever get there.

i should just let live. maybe go on a date or two. i shouldnt be placing all my eggs in his basket. my friend something the other day that made me upset: “truthfully its gonna be hard to find someone who doesnt want kids either” and it dealt a blow on me. like ... do i have to accept that ill be alone in this lifetime? obviously alone doesnt equate to lonely but like ... am i meant to not have a lover who doesnt share the same ideals as me? yeah ... i guess thats it. i should have fun in the meantime

i need to step back, relax and just not stress out over this. yet .... i am SO stressed. im just tired of dating. im tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve. :(

[identityarchitect]

which ones most embody each of the fears from the magnus archives

hmm im gonna just assign them fears under the cut cus i have a lot of ocs

solace group

a glimmer of seasalt - lonely. she's too far away from anyone to be on the main communication network, so fox has to forward any messages to her, and after communications broke down she was just alone.

three tears of a fox - corruption. this girl is Literally infested. she is Literally rotting. very corruptioncore

rising birds - mmmm very tentative hunt, maybe end. ive mentioned before that her whole thing is trying to figure out how to kill iterators so that she can protect people so. yeah

stormclouds overhead - eye? maybe? during his collapse he lost lots of memory so he's using. basically feral cats as librarians to rebuild his memory. thats decently eye

cold water rushing - stranger methinks but possibly spiral. its name is a pseudonym and it hides its face i couldnt make it more stranger w/o making it an actual clown

seven crowns of bone - buried. my guy literally got eaten by a sinkhole

chorus group

collector of caged kismet - vast! he's trying to get a slugcat to go down to the void sea and then come back up which like. can you even get more vast

bells of other ballads - very tentatively flesh. she's trying to train a slugcat to be an engineer to repair iterators, and iterators are biomechanical, so i guess flesh?

caught under null thorns - im gonna be real i have no idea what CUNT is like. no assignment because of lack of personality

forgoing all glory - honestly very difficult. extinction is the closest. FAG was built to be self repairing to a fault, and designed to be an everlasting monument to the ancients, so that he'd stick around Literally Forever. which is kinda vast now that i think about him but him and his mindset is closer to extinction/end/desolation

does your kin endure - uhhhh. im giving her an honorary potential dark/desolation alignment im gonna be honest i havent thought much about her either

to reinvent as new, not yours - flesh baby!! literally a trans surgery machine, flesh as hell

69 weed leaves - corruption? hes pretty much falling apart and theres plants and shit in his machinery which is pretty corruption

equinox group (+ winters group which are technically separate)

no peaceful ending - end. no question. she died, she came back wrong, oliver banks is high fiving her as we speak

fibres of silence - im honestly gonna say slaughter. silence is VERY mad for what winter did to peace. if not slaughter then lonely

hallows of fate, damned - uhhhhhh. buried? maybe? in the sense of more metaphorical pressure. fate has very bad imposter syndrome stemming from one Really bad fuckup that ended up harming a lot of his colony, so i guess i could see her being buried.

glowing wind between speckled trees - she's probably kind of like adelard dekker or mikaele salesa in that she interacts with the entities without being bound to any of them. my girl just cares about tea. if i really really had to, maybe eye

dappled light over decaying leaves - web or eye. i dont know how just yet but this girl knows things she is not supposed to

winters group

awakening winter - web. no doubt. this man manipulates other people to his own end so much. hes also got some desolation/hunt spice in there from all the killings and ruination

nebula of snow eternal - hmm. end? possibly desolation. he was winter's first victim, and he collapsed and was literally crushed by his can (similar to how peace was) so. yeah

cycles within cycles - end! this guy was a sliverist, meaning that he believed death was the means to ascension. trying to stop winter was a win-win scenario for him; either he stops winter, or winter kills him (thus ascending him). he gave no shits

revent chorus, the silence calls - slaughter slaughter slaughter slaughter my guy went mad and started killing for as of yet unknown reasons. slaughter as hell

[justafairytailofinnocence]

Hi can I get a Star Wars (originals and/or prequel era)

My pronouns are she/her

I’d like to be shipped with a male

I’m like the biggest loner. i love spending time alone in my own world doing my own thing. I spend way too much time daydreaming. I literally can go from astrophysics to aliens or dark matter to magic in 20 seconds. Reality, we don’t know her.

I can be quite touchy feely and emotional but do everything to hide it. I struggle with my feelings a lot.

i either overthink or don’t think at all there is no in between. one minute I have a set out plan and the next I’m jumping into things randomly. It’s like I’m either super anxious or am pretending my problems dont exist.

my hobbies include creative coding, digital illustrating, weight lifting, watching movies/shows, playing video games, reading fanfic in the dead of night (you know the 4 am fics hit different).

im obsessed with Starbucks vanilla lattes (Ik so basic) and that’s probably the only reason I actually go outside

My style is pretty much the fandom sections at hot topic from 2012 (the chokers, plaid skirts, combat boots and fandom shirts. Bonus if u add knee socks or fishnets💀)

i absolutely hate the cold, small talk, crowds, and social gatherings. I’m super awkward not in the cute uwu way but In the 😐 way.

if it helps in anyways I’m a Slytherin, intp personality type, and true neutral alignment.

also could I get a moodboard or picrew thing

If u need appearance for this I have tanned golden brownish skin, full lips, round face, the darkest brown eyes, purple cat eye glasses, and medium length black wavy hair.

Thanks ❤️

Hello dear💖, for the star wars matchup I ship you with:

Hans solo💞

- the guys totally attracted to you, ever since you went with Luke and leia he started to grow feelings towards you.

- he defends you whenever there were storm troopers near by.

- your a girl that can handle herself meaning you can fight really well.

- moodboard

- picrew

(credit  NOSAYA TYPE CP MAKER by nasaya)

- you had your first kiss on his ship, Luke was confused and teased you about it.

- leia had some conflictions with you since she also liked Hans.

- he relates to your lone personality, he uses to be like that.

- you would marry and have a peaceful life. Your child would have your hair and his eyes.

Anyways that's all I have for now:

Ta Ta✨️

[zalrb]

soo im not sure if you ever answered this before but who do you think had a stronger connection ron and hermione or harry and ron? i've seen you answer this only between harry/hermione and harry/ron and also harry/hermione and ron/hermione but sorry if i missed something

I don’t think either had a stronger connection to Ron because they’re different.

Like, it could be argued that in the first three books Harry was closer particularly since they were a unit before Hermione, she wasn’t even a friend of theirs at first and they found her incredibly annoying

‘I couldn’t help overhearing what you and Malfoy were saying –‘ ‘Bet you could,’ Ron muttered. ‘– and you mustn’t go wandering around the school at night, think of the points you’ll lose Gryffindor if you’re caught, and you’re bound to be. It’s really very selfish of you.’ ‘And it’s really none of your business,’ said Harry.

and in Prisoner of Azkaban as I keep mentioning, neither he nor Harry talk to her and they seem perfectly fine with that

Hermione, who remained convinced that she had acted for the best, started avoiding the common room. Harry and Ron supposed she had taken refuge in the library and didn't try to persuade her to come back.

although even when they aren’t speaking, Ron still keeps track of Hermione’s movements and notices that she’s taking too many classes while Harry doesn’t really care to explore that or find that interesting:

                           "How's she doing it?" Ron muttered to Harry one evening as Harry sat finishing a nasty essay on Undetectable Poisons for Snape. Harry looked up. Hermione was barely visible behind a tottering pile of books.                        

                           "Doing what?"                    

                           "Getting to all her classes!" Ron said. "I heard her talking to Professor Vector, that Arithmancy witch, this morning. They were going on about yesterday's lesson, but Hermione can't've been there, because she was with us in Care of Magical Creatures! And Ernie McMillan told me she's never missed a Muggle Studies class, but half of them are at the same time as Divination, and she's never missed one of them either!"                        

                           Harry didn't have time to fathom the mystery of Hermione's impossible schedule at the moment

but when Ron thinks that Crookshanks killed Scabbers, Harry aligns himself with Ron

                           Personally, Harry was sure that Crookshanks had eaten Scabbers, and when he tried to point out to Hermione that the evidence all pointed that way, she lost her temper with Harry too.                        

                           "Okay, side with Ron, I knew you would!" she said shrilly. "First the Firebolt, now Scabbers, everything's my fault, isn't it! Just leave me alone, Harry, I've got a lot of work to do!"

and even when Harry feels bad for Hermione, he still aligns himself with Ron

                           "Can't you give her a break?" Harry asked Ron quietly.                        

                           "No," said Ron flatly. "If she just acted like she was sorry -- but she'll never admit she's wrong, Hermione. She's still acting like Scabbers has gone on vacation or something."                        

                           The Gryffindor party ended only when Professor McGonagall turned up in her tartan dressing gown and hair net at one in the morning, to insist that they all go to bed. Harry and Ron climbed the stairs to their dormitory, still discussing the match.

                           "Harry!" said a voice in his right ear. Harry started and looked around at Hermione, who was sitting at the table right behind them and clearing a space in the wall of books that had been hiding her.                        

                           "Harry, if you go into Hogsmeade again...I'll tell Professor McGonagall about that map!" said Hermione.                        

                           "Can you hear someone talking, Harry?" growled Ron, not looking at Hermione.                        

                           "Ron, how can you let him go with you? After what Sirius Black nearly did to you! I mean it, I'll tell --"                        

                           "So now you're trying to get Harry expelled!" said Ron furiously. "Haven't you done enough damage this year?"                        

                           Hermione opened her mouth to respond, but with a soft hiss, Crookshanks leapt onto her lap. Hermione took one frightened look at the expression on Ron's face, gathered up Crookshanks, and hurried away toward the girls' dormitories.                        

                           "So how about it?" Ron said to Harry as though there had been no interruption. "Come on, last time we went you didn't see anything. You haven't even been inside Zonko's yet!"                        

                           Harry looked around to check that Hermione was well out of earshot.                        

                           "Okay," he said. "But I'm taking the Invisibility Cloak this time."

Like there is very much a male camaraderie, BFF vibe between Harry and Ron that whether they know it or not could be argued takes precedence over either of their relationships to Hermione.

But the moment that attraction and romantic feelings become more apparent and more involved, the Romione connection evolves and Hermione starts to mean something different to Ron and while friendship is at the core of their connection, it’s an emotional intimacy between the two of them that’s necessarily different than Harry’s connection to him and while I’ve mentioned before that Ron and Hermione had a way of communicating with each other that always excluded Harry even in the first three books, there are more dimensions to that the older they get and it’s shown in their physicality, particularly in the Deathly Hallows

Her arm curved to the floor, her fingers inches from Ron's. Harry wondered whether they had fallen asleep holding hands. The idea made him feel strangely lonely.

"Wait," said Bellatrix sharply. "All except.... except for the Mudblood."

Greyback gave a grunt of pleasure.

"No!" shouted Ron. "You can have me, keep me!"

Hermione gave a weak smile as Ron gave her a one-armed squeeze.

Hermione took the chair beside the dressing table; Ron sat on the arm.

but even before that like in Half-Blood Prince

Ron, he saw, was now holding Hermione and stroking her hair while she sobbed into his shoulder, tears dripping from the end of his own long nose

and of course

"Then the poisoner didn't know Slughorn very well," said Hermione, speaking for the first time in hours and sounding as though she had a bad head cold. "Anyone who knew Slughorn would have I known there was a good chance he'd keep something that tasty for himself."

"Er-my-nee," croaked Ron unexpectedly from between them

Everyone else had spoken and he didn’t repeat their names but she speaks and he naturally responds to her 

so I don’t think the two are really comparable, I think they both also strengthen over time but differently.

[astro-break]

Quick first thoughts on the first ep of the Hypmic Anime. Spoilers beware (and im writing this as I watch so :p)

Otome’s speech is.... questionable from a persuasive point of view. Manga did a great job of introducing her (which you can read here) but they really cut out the more terrifying parts of her speech and how she uses force to show people that she's not to be messed with

Its cool seeing everyone in their respective environments though. thats cool. Though they could have added Sasara and Kuuko (shhh i know why they didn’t let me dream)

I love how poppy the typography is. Its amazing how the visuals just leap out at you. The OP does a great job of this. The first few seconds before the title really gives me Persona 4 OG OP vibes with the influx of information given. The rest is a clear concise and streamlined way that still gives character. Animation is sparse but still carries across a general idea of each character and shows off each character object. Rendering is really nice and pays a bit of homage to the posing artwork thats done for the MVs. They also do their division hand signals and thats cute

Love how the OP has blatant HifuDoppo and DRB matchup foreshadowing

so far I really like what theyre going for. BB is about brotherly familial bonds and they show the goods and the bads. Jiro and Saburo bickering right out the gate really cements the fact that they get along like cats and dogs but you can still see that they love each other, working together when the situation calls for it

Now the 3d models. Theyre... not great but usable if you don’t look too hard. They serve their purpose and don’t actively detract from the viewing experience.

Visual typography in the rap itself are fun and poppy but they dont.... speak to me? like theyre there yes and I appreciate them but the only ones that got me excited were from Ichiro’s rap

I take my words back the group portion was kickass and I apologize

I love how they interpret the Hypnosis Speakers though. Esp. Saburo’s organs. That was super creative and I love it! If there was one thing that I felt was missing from the franchise was a deeper exploration of the speakers but the anime puts a new and fresh spin on it! Love it, especially with their attack patterns!

If the production team ever feels inclined to, Id love to see those info sheets on Otome’s desk released. There seems to be very interesting info and stats written out about each member (like capabilities, personal status etc.) They all seem unique too so I really really really hope they release images of those sheets

OOOOOOOOKAY MTC. I have such a big biased for them so Im very torn to see what unfolds

Rio striking out on his own is interesting. Out of everyone in MTC hes the biggest team player yet here he trusts his teammates to go ahead. This either displays Rio’s willingness to trust his teammates or it becomes very OOC if the anime wants to set him up as a lone wolf like character

I love how they specify its a drug deal. It means that Jyuto surely will show up and it also shows that Samatoki knows Jyuto’s motives and willingly gives black market info that he knows aligns with Jyuto’s goal. Thats A+ detail writing there and a great establishing characteristic for both of them

OOohhhhhhhhhhhhh man Asunama-san’s voice acting is god tier his work as Samatoki is phenomenal. He pulls of Samatoki’s threatening voice so well with those almost calm words before his voice becomes loud and confrontational. Those rolling syllables in contrast to Komada-san’s almost lyrical and airy speech and Kamio-san’s strict and enunciated words is such a delight to hear. It just speaks to how amazing and great these Seiyuu’s are in order to pull of such amazing work

Im so biased but MTC has such a better rap than BB im so sorry. Just by watching Samatoki’s part, the imagery is amazing. Even the arrival of his Hypnosis Speaker was awesome and sent a shiver down my spine. using the lyrics to form blades and blood was such a great thing to do. Theres so much more variety that just him standing there and shots of his hypnosis speaker. The old fashioned vignette shots, the four panel spread, the nods to old Kurosawa era films are great and I love these small details. Even the typography looks better.

Again, the interpretations with the speakers is fresh and new. Its great and I love the different imagery and attack patterns. Each one is so unique but carries across each different style of rap.

The 3d modles aren’t any better tho lol

(Hi this is Astro who is reading over their assessment again and making a note. Yeah I’m a bit harsh on BB’s rap. I’m not going to change it since I still stand by it and this post is supposed to be a documentation of my first impressions. I think one of the reasons why I’m so harsh on BB is because of their dynamic as a trio of brothers. They Have to have a more uniform approach than the other divisions. Which in of itself isn’t a terrible thing, it just doesn’t catch my eye as much as MTC did. Thats all! I definitely don’t hate BB, they’re maybe my 3rd favorite division out of the current lineup [not including TDD era teams like Kujaku Posse, MCD, and Naughty Busters] its just that their rap was pretty meh)

Samatoki crouching like a real gangstar and the cigarette kiss killed me

sadjkhfjkasdghsadjkcsdjhsdfsjhf im dying i love these trio of dumbasses so uch oh y fod someone save me aaaaaaaa (Astro note here! yeah i died when the jyuto and samatoki’s stomach growled im weak please. Samatoki’s face is just so precious and funny I might set it as a profile pic somewhere)

But also my initial assessment of Rio possibly being characterized as a lone wolf is very much jossed and im very thankful for that. It seems that Rio was simply trusting his teammates to carry out their part of the plan while he carried out his own. I like that, it really shows how much of a team these three are and that they genuinely trust each other. He’s also comfortable enough around them to invite them to dinners after work casually and not just for special occasions.

I really love MTC guys

Oooh! we get Ramuda on his design process which is really cute. the inside of his studio is super cute and retro and i love it. the poppy old music you would hear in a cafe or 90′s resturaunt is also really cute (astro note: yeah i know that in ARB you see the interior of Ramuda’s office but its kinda different seeing it animated)

the translation i have has gentaro speaking in early modern english (Shakespearian english for those who aren’t english nerds like me) but from what I can hear, he doesn’t speak in a particularly old fashioned way? Its more formal than old? and hes speaking without any of his character persona lying thing that he likes to do (as he refers to himself as “Shousei” throughout the segment where hes in Ramuda’s office which is kind of his default pronoun of choice). so its kinda odd for the translation to go in that direction but im not complaining

Gendice banter is gold but it feels... flat? a little? it doesn’t have the same impact as in the drama cds or in the manga? i feel? Also Ramuda using gratuitous english is??? idk how to feel about that

kjshf thats against the rules Ramuda omgggg,,,,,,,, (astro note again: while watching i was under the assumption that using your hypmic for monetary gain such a as buskering [which is what FP is doing] is against the rules. May not be the case but whatever)

FP’s rap might be my favorite in terms of tune and lyrics though. It’s a nice laid back bop and really gives of chill vibes. the integration of 3d and 2d is really nice and i love how they play off each other in the rap. The wordplay is so fun with little nods here and there and the beat is poppy too so it really energizes me.

Ramuda’s rap concerns me slightly since he makes very subtle and small nods towards his past (being created in a laboratory, warfare, and his overall very unpleasant life experiences) but spins it into something cutesy. It could be a coping mechanism, it could be me overthinking it. But it does make me worry a bit. Gentaro and Dice’s rap really play off each other with Gentaro sticking to stories and Dice taking up the baton by carrying on that same imagery but putting his own spin on it.

the self awareness of how scattered they are as a team is interesting though. It doesn’t seem like something you’d speak about in a rap? but i guess since its not really a do or die situation they can afford to be looser on things like this.

Right off the bat, i don’t like how they handled Hifumi and Doppo in relation to Hifumi’s fear of women. Slug made a post once talking about this and I echo many of his sentiments. Hypmic has never been very tactful about tackling this particular issue and while I didn’t have high hopes that the anime would be any better it hurts to see Doppo take away the one thing that allows Hifumi to function within society.

Doppo’s breakdown mirrors a lot of my own mental state when I spiral though its shown a lot quicker than what happens to me oof. that hits close to home. though Jakurai’s advice is. Questionable. Its not the best advice to give to someone but we have no idea what kind of doctor Jakurai is so ill let it slide

Jakurai’s pose looks like hes going to do a mahou shoujou transformation lmao

I don’t have many thoughts about the rap though again. How they visualize the rap is interesting. the different imagery is quite interesting for each of them and the typography is nice a distinct but im still on the fence about the visuals here

The sound is in the same boat. The sound effects either drown out the rap or are too quet but some parts are nice at least. When they talk about Tokyo’s beating heart, the heartbeat sound is a but distracting especially since its only played once. But the imagery is at least nice

I wonder if for the eds they’re going to take a similar approach to what Enstars did and have a four different endings, one for each division. I love the blend of styles here and it really accentuates that although they’re different they mesh well together.

Ramuda’s silhouette though is hilarious. Love it.

:p and thats it. Uh not bad for a first episode. Established all 12 characters really nicely and their dynamics. I had some problems with it but then again nothing is perfect. I look forward to what they show us next week

[howljenky]

I have a few things to say thats been circling in my mind a lot.

The reduction and watering down of the word Femme to mean Feminine woman, not even lesbian as i saw bi ppl use it as well, and straigh women use it as well, as an empowering feminine word that completly disregard the culture of the word, made me ocasionally think to myself "ugh i hate being called a femme" and made me have life crises in which i forget what Femme stands for, because i have no map for it, and noone to cling to, and teach me, and remind me, that i exist in this world to love butches. The loneliness i feel is tearing me apart. More under cut.

Feminine women saw the word femme, and decided femmes are trying to replicate heterosexuality, that femmes are selfish, and close minded, and "exclusuonists", and they took this word for themselves to preach about how good femme4femme relationships are, how ignorant and misogynistic we were for not choosing to date other feminine women, and for replicating heterosexuality, they took it and trampled over us for not being progressive, for choosing to date the ugly mean dykes. And this is it, this is the reason they did it. Their hatered for butches and masculine women.

This hatered is why terms like "soft butch" exists, this is why everyone tells butches they can be feminine if they want to, while pissing and dissing on the butches that reject every form of feminity, calling them links to toxic masculinity, calling them predatory, and mean, and cold hearted, and cheaters, and emotionally closed off, in our own lesbian community no less, which come to bite femmes in the ass as well for choosing to date such "heartless bastards", to the point you take the word femme from us to "save us" or whatever is going through their minds, while also telling everyone a characteristic of being a lesbian is to be soft masculine. They want that "soft androgyny" aesthetic, masculine women to at least have a feminine thing about them, as if butches are still obliged by the police to have 3 women garments on themselves like in our past culture, but not to be too feminine, because then u have to date other feminine lesbians, or fall into this category of lesbians that are being asked "so why dont you just date a man?" Because people just cannot get through their thick skulls that lesbians have NOTHING to do with men. Not too feminine, because feminity is men's.

So alright, they hate the butches, and they "reclaimed" femme from those who stay with the butches. And it is good for them! They can use the word femme as they please, while continuing to compare butches to men and out relationship to a straight one. But what does that mean for the butchfemme culture?

It directly harms out community. We cannot find eachother that easily anymore. I see the word femme and instead of being estatic that i am not alone in this world, I get wary and confused, to the point that I dont even search for femmes like me anymore. Im okay alone as well, as long as i have the attention of butches. The word femme made me so distant of its meaning, that only butches can pull me out of it and remind me just why i exist and what i am fighting for, just by existing in the same space as them. But they have it hard too. On top of all the hate, from straight people and from the lgbt+ community and even from the lesbian comunity, they have a hard time finding femmes to truly understand them, and love them, and be patient with them as well. The rings of this community falls so thight and it always feels like its getting smaller and smaller instead of larger. Consciously or not, the pressure and hatered we get drives us away from ourselves. The pressure of finding femmes like me, the disappointment i get often of not being understood by fellow lesbians drove me away from them. It's just butches i can rely onto. For lesbians and for other members of the lgbt community, this makes me an exclusionist, a demon, a bad person.

The lack of media representation is a problem here as well. No straight person wants to see an old mean dyke on the screen, so they don't put them. They don't put them so that they won't turn to "stereotypical lesbians". They don't put them because they hate them. The lesbian representation is few as it is, but it is all feminine women, or femme4femme as the others with no regard to the butchfem community chose to name it. This mainly is to appeal to the male gaze, so that no man would feel threatened by someone more masculine than them. In this world, not even lesbians, who exclude men, can never separate from them entirely. Butches get compared to men, femmes are put in a box of feminity for the male gaze, and both being called a heterosexual replica, a second hand straight couple, by everyone. No wonder it took so long for me to even know what i was. And who i was. Where could i have seen myself, if there were no femmes on the screen? How would i have known who i love if there arent any butches in media? If it hadnt been for my then-friend and now unapologetical butch girlfriend, i wouldn't have read stone butch blues, and then i wouldnt have read all the other books, and i wouldnt have gotten myself in that thight spot in the small community, and i would have still be lost and lonely. Now i am just lonely, but not lost.

This lack of representation also makes everyone go along with internet trends, and not getting documented on the culture. They go along with what the others say, because theres barely any place to learn about this and to fully capture its essence and meaning. We are silenced, and deemed not worthy to be heard, because of modernised times, and changes in meanings, and being regressive. But my love for butches is an act of revolution against everyone that might call me selfish, or straight, a fake persona, and its not lower than the other non-aligned lesbians.

This is why I am still an unapologetical Femme. I am a femme, because of the feminine women around me invalidating my identity with calling themselves femme. I am femme, because of loving butches. I am femme because i exist to love and cherish and respect butches. I am femme because when everyone hates butches, where else would they go? Where is their home? Where are they fully accepted? Unconditionally? Where are butches allowed to be masculine without getting bashed for it? Who understands how butches love? Who desires them, without sexualising them?

I am femme because i am a home to butches. I am femme because, regardless of what others say, my femininity still isnt for men, and never will be. I am femme because i want change. I am femme because until butches get accepted as they are, unconditionally and without a doubt, i am not accepted either, and i refuse to get accepted without them. I am femme, until the day i see myself on the screen, until i see my lovers on the screen, until i see our love accepted and beyond that. I am a femme because i want to leave a piece of my love for butches on earth. I am femme because i want to teach, and be heard. My femme-ness doesnt sit in my feminity alone. Femme is liberating, and secure, not restaining, and forced.

I have so much else to say, but this is getting ridiculously long, and all over the place, but these were my thoughts. I desire for a day in which i could be understood. Of course, these thoughts are coming from an easter european mindset, as of where there isnt any representation, zero knowledge on the matter, post-comminist country in which lgbt people need to still hide in certain situations. I am angry at the world's view of the word femme, and what it got to mean these days. I am angry at the hatered towards butches. I am angry and i will not shut up about it anymore.

All i am asking is. Educate yourself. Be conscious of words and what they mean. Respect us. Stop making up new words for every single thing. Futch isnt real guys. Thats all.

.

Terfs and transmysoginists and any other fucker that dares to think this post doesn't include trans women fuck off. Trans butches, studs and trans femmes are always loved and welcomed here. Racists fuck off as well, you arent needed.

[taexual]

HOLIC - 30 | jb x reader

pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader

genre: enemies to lovers au | roommate au

warnings: angsty fluff (my new favorite kind, apparently)

words: 3.6k

disclaimer: i do not own the gif, please let me know if it belongs to you, so i can give proper credit

           prev / next

Each day after you’ve listened to Jaebum’s countless reminders and finally managed to compose the e-mails with your portfolios to send them to a few galleries around the country was more stressful than the previous one. You tried not to check your e-mail too obsessively but it was proving to be difficult and Jaebum, who was to blame for your newfound anxiety because he’d made you press the final button and send those e-mails, was now your only distraction.

He noticed your nervous expression each time the e-mail app wasn’t loading fast enough – because, of course, he’d notice these things about you – and he promptly suggested taking you out someplace that wasn’t home to get your mind – and his, too, though he tried to keep himself in check for your sake; he’s made you anxious about his music plenty of times already – off of this.

Now because both of you were mature adults who didn’t want to get drunk and then wake up early the next morning for work – obviously, what you didn’t want to deal with here wasn’t a hangover but rather the consequences of drinking alcohol with each other – Jaebum ended up taking you to the potentially least harmful place on the whole planet.

His favorite ice cream shop in his old neighborhood.

You had to bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from grinning when the two of you stopped outside of the old building and he introduced the store downstairs as a place where he’d come whenever he had stayed up drinking last night and needed something sweet, or when Mark was no longer willing to give him drinks on the house at his bar.

It felt special to be in a place that used to be a prominent part of his life and you were glad he took you here, but the butterflies nearly imploded inside of your stomach after he opened the door for you, allowing you to enter first, and one simple thought popped into your mind: this felt an awful lot like a date.

You tried to resist the impulses to smile and instead focused on Jaebum’s voice as he talked about the last time he’d been here with a group of friends after a night-out, and all of them have collectively agreed that ice cream was simply the best drunk food.

“Why didn’t you come here after that?” you asked him after the two of you sat down by the table next to the big, floor-to-ceiling window at the back of the store. It was sunny outside so you both found yourselves squinting at each other as you ate your ice cream.

“I moved,” Jaebum explained simply. “There was no need to go back here and, besides, it felt weird to return to a place that held so many memories after I’d set my mind on moving on. I thought it’d be a step back to come here again.”

The waffle cone you’ve brought to your mouth seemingly froze for just a second. You debated asking him if Suji lived nearby, too, but, eventually, decided against it. There was no point – you wouldn’t have learned anything new, just satisfied your curiosity which could honestly do with a little starving after you’ve gotten the answers to so many questions already.

“How does it feel to be back now?” you asked instead, focusing on the cold, sugary sensations in your mouth. The ice cream here really was good.

“Normal,” Jaebum replied, “which is surprising. I wondered what it’d be like to come back here and I feared it wouldn’t be the same and I’d be disappointed, or worse, I’d get overwhelmed with the memories and leave immediately, but, hey, the ice cream here is still good, the company is still good, so it’s… all good.”

You smiled at this. “Have you considered finding a new ice cream spot to eat in after getting drunk?”

“Mark won’t let me,” he said, making you snicker. “He used to come here with me and the rest of the guys but then he got that job at the bar – he’s, basically, a manager there by now – and now he insists we eat there. And, you know, when you’re eating in a bar—”

“—you end up drinking even more,” you finished knowingly. “Yes and that’s how alcoholism develops.”

“I’m sure that’s Mark’s end-game for us all,” Jaebum sighed. “Be careful. You’re one of us now.”

You tried to hide your smile behind your ice cream cone but it was probably still obvious in the way your entire face lit up when he said this. One of us meant he didn’t have – or tried not to have – any problems with you being friends with his friends anymore. It meant you’ve truly reached a new period in your relationship with each other, hopefully having buried all of the insecurities-turned-obstacles on your way here.

“I think I’m good,” you said, hoping that Jaebum will consider your wide grin as a manifestation of simple happiness instead of figuring out just how much hearing this meant to you. “I don’t drink that often anyway.”

“What constitutes as ‘often’ for you?” he asked, curious. “Sure, I’ve only seen you drunk a handful of times since we started to live together so you may not have a problem right now, but wait a couple of months. Mark and I are a horrible influence.”

You were laughing as he said this. “Mark? No way, he’s such a sweet guy! You, on the other hand…”

“Me?” Jaebum raised his eyebrows, mock-offense decorating his features. “I am the absolute epitome of the perfect child! My mom always said that any mother would be lucky to have a son like me.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” you replied, actually pausing for a second because that was nice, but then continuing anyway because teasing him has become your favorite hobby, “except, see, all mothers say that to their children.”

“I hope you’re not calling my mother a liar.”

“I’d never! I’m sure she’s a wonderful lady,” you replied, “so, I really don’t know where you get your attitude from.”

“Hey, watch it,” Jaebum warned you, the playful glint in his eyes mirroring the one in yours. “I’m paying for your ice cream but I might change my mind if you keep at it.”

Taking a bite of the waffle cone, you gave him a mischievous smile. “Why? Can’t handle a little roast?”

“That’s not a roast,” he said. “That’s slander.”

You laughed. “Slander means it’s not true and we both know that everything I’ve said is—”

“Here’s your check,” a female voice cut you off and you both raised your heads to look at the waitress that had stopped by your table, a metal tray with a check on it in her hands.

The waitress gave Jaebum a smile – and, to make her intentions even more obvious, she didn’t even bother to look at you – and then turned around to walk away. She was very pretty so you couldn’t help but follow her with your eyes as she returned to the register, but, when you turned back to Jaebum, you’d found out that he hadn’t done the same. He was watching you.

“I—” he started to say but then he picked up the check instead. “In all the times that I’ve been here, they’ve never brought the check over. I always had to pay at the register.”

“Hmm,” that didn’t surprise you. The sudden rapid beating of your heart, however, did. “Maybe she liked you.”

Jaebum almost scoffed. “No, I don’t think so.”

You couldn’t see why not – especially not after you glanced over at the cash register and caught the waitress still watching Jaebum – but you tried to continue to eat your ice cream as nonchalantly as it was possible while your chest proceeded to fill with surprising amounts of bitterness and—yeah, let’s be honest—jealousy.

“When I was a waitress, I also used to bring the check over to the table myself,” you admitted, “if I found the guys there attractive.”

Jaebum seemed surprised to hear this.

“Wow,” he said, his eyebrows raised. “I never pegged you for someone who’d do that.”

“I was lonely,” you shrugged, not proud of your choices from back in the day but not exactly ashamed of them, either, knowing that nothing you’ve done had any long-lasting consequences. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“It’s not desperate,” he disagreed, not trying to put you down for anything. Honesty was a virtue for him, though, so he found himself adding, “it’s just… kind of unfair for the other people that you didn’t find attractive.”

“It is, yeah,” you agreed and then sighed somewhat wistfully. It was so easy to romanticize memories, making it seem as though certain periods of your life were far more glorious than they actually were and you were guilty of doing that. Whenever you looked back at your days it college, it just seemed like a simpler time even though you knew that wasn’t true. “Oh, but, to make it fair, that method never worked out. I never got asked out by any of those guys.”

Jaebum leaned back in his chair, even more surprised by this confession. Clearing his throat, he finished his own waffle cone and then grabbed a napkin from the table between you.

“Okay,” he said once he’d finished wiping the corners of his mouth. “I might believe that you were eager enough to hit on guys by bringing their checks to them but I will never believe that not a single one of them asked you out.”

His words were like a sudden match, lighting you on fire and dragging you out of the fountain of nostalgia that you’ve caught yourself bathing in.

“I’m serious,” you said, your face very warm all of a sudden. “Must have been the planets aligning themselves to restore the balance of fairness because I gave certain people the special treatment.”

“Were there a lot of certain people?” Jaebum wondered, a small smile tugging at his lips.

You were unsure why he’d ask you this. “No, I wouldn’t say so. Why? Is there a limit as to how many people a waitress can hit on? Because they didn’t fire me so I must have not reached it—”

“No, no, I was just curious how many guys there were who had no taste at all.”

Frowning lightly, you asked, “what do you mean?”

Jaebum shrugged his shoulders, toying with the check. He didn’t particularly like it when you didn’t understand his subtle flirting and he had to explain himself in more obvious terms but he’d have hated it more if he didn’t get his point across.

“Well, they haven’t taken the chance of asking you out, so, you know,” he said, “they have no standards. Or a horrible, horrible taste.”

You were going to die right then and there, you were sure of it. He was going to kill you.

“Well, are you going to ask her out?” you tried asking to redirect the attention from your flustered state to the waitress who’d approached you before. “She’s beautiful.”

“No, I’m, uh…” Jaebum was the one who looked down this time. “I’m actually not interested in that.”

“In that?”

Although your mind may not have quite understood his words, your soul seemed to know exactly what he was talking about as your heart – that was in the process of melting – suddenly focused on anxious beating instead. Even the butterflies inside of you settled down to listen, weighing heavily on your stomach.

“Well, you know,” he waved his hands around as if that explained it, “in dating her. In dating any other girl. I don’t want that.”

He looked at you when he said the last few words – somehow, hopeful that you’ll catch what he was really trying to convey without having to explain himself yet again – but you remained frozen in your seat, the ice cream now starting to melt inside of the cone.

“Oh,” you uttered and then, to hide the obvious disappointment in your tone, tried to cough. “Okay. Well, anyway—”

“Jaebum?”

The two of you were interrupted once again only, this time, right before you turned your head in the direction of the voice – it was coming from behind you – you caught sight of Jaebum’s eyes widening in surprise. He didn’t look quite as alarmed as he had when he’d thought Suji had rung his doorbell that one time – his skin had passed pale, and gone straight to translucent back then – but he didn’t look very pleased, either.

There was a—very pretty—girl, smiling at him from across the room. When his eyes landed on hers, she started to approach your table. He hadn’t indicated for her to come over but she was doing it anyway because, apparently, your table had suddenly turned into a hotspot for beautiful women.

Not that Jaebum wanted to date any of them because, as it turned out, he wasn’t interested in dating anyone. Funny.

“Wow,” the girl spoke after having stopped next to you. Her eyes were on Jaebum. “I never thought I’d see you here again.”

“I didn’t think I’d come back,” Jaebum replied, his eyes nervously drifting to you as you tried to let go of his previous confession and make sense of what was happening right now. The girl must have been one of his old friends but he looked awfully uncomfortable in her presence.

You busied yourself with finishing your ice cream and then reached for a napkin, successfully hiding yourself from the almost penetrating gaze of the girl next to you as her eyes landed on you.

“Who’s your friend?” she asked Jaebum. “I don’t think we’ve met.”

He didn’t like the question – frankly, you didn’t either; she could have asked you directly instead of treating you like you weren’t there – and you felt him reach over the table and place one of his hands on yours in a completely uncharacteristic manner. You nearly flinched and pulled away but, after noticing the determination in his eyes, you remained frozen instead, his hand resting on yours.

“This is my roommate,” Jaebum told the girl, giving her a meaningful look.

Her eyes were on your hands as a knowing smile spread across her face. “Oh, so this is her!”

She said it as if she’d heard about you before and you dared to raise your head to give her a good look. You were certain you’ve never seen the girl before – let alone heard anyone even describe her – and yet you saw recognition in her eyes. She did know you. Or, at least, she knew of you.

You weren’t sure if you should have said anything – she didn’t ask for your name or even bothered to introduce herself, after all – so you decided to just let their conversation play out and stayed quiet instead, allowing Jaebum to keep in control of the situation.

“Yeah,” he cleared his throat, his hand still on yours. “It is… her.”

“Well, it was very nice to see you again,” the girl said, more awkward now. She must have started to notice the unwelcome tone in Jaebum’s voice. “You should stop by here more often. We’ve missed you. And… we would all love to get to know your, uh, roommate.”

Jaebum wasn’t even trying to be pleasant as he dropped a very unenthusiastic, “I’m busy.”

“Of course,” she was clearly expecting to hear that. “Well, if you change your mind, give me – or any one of us – a call. I’m sure Suji would be ecstatic to see you again, too.”

You didn’t think it was possible for two people to flinch at the exact same time but it almost seemed as though an electric current had suddenly run through your body and straight into Jaebum’s – or, maybe, it was the other way around – as both of your gazes widened. Yours because you weren’t expecting Jaebum’s old friend group to include his old girlfriend – although, that made sense, knowing how in control of his life she was – and his because he wasn’t expecting this girl to be so obvious about her intentions, even though he should have probably expected her to bring Suji into this after she saw him take your hand.

“It’s good to see you, Jaebum,” the girl said after Jaebum didn’t respond to her previous statement.

Not removing his eyes from yours, he merely nodded in acknowledgment. “Cassie.”

The girl left you alone without another word – although she did hesitate which could have meant that she’d have loved to stick around for longer – and you let another moment pass before you dared to turn around. She was standing by the cash register, paying for three cones of ice cream. You turned back around as soon as you saw her glance back at you.

Both you and Jaebum waited until she left the store before finally speaking again.

“So…” you started, unsure where to begin.

Jaebum removed his hand from yours and used it to pinch the bridge of his nose instead. “Yeah. I didn’t think—I thought coming here during the day would save me from running into anyone I knew.”

“Was she one of your friends?” you decided to inquire first and foremost.

Jaebum nodded and then added, “well, more Suji’s than mine, I guess. I knew Cassie from university – she was a year above me. She was my coordinator—well, not just mine, but—anyway. Mark had a crush on her at one point so we hung out a lot in less official settings and became friends, I guess. Cassie is, uh—s-she’s the one that introduced Suji to me.”

As you looked down at your hand, still palm down on the table between you, you realized that this explained the unexpected hand-holding. He was looking for a way to prove that he’d moved on.

“I see,” you said awkwardly. “She seemed awfully eager to reunite with you.”

“Right,” he scoffed, “that’s not happening. That whole thing is over. When I tried to escape Suji,” he continued and you’d have judged his choice of wording if you hadn’t known what Suji was like, “I also ended up escaping half of my friends.”

“Well, if they didn’t stick with you, are they really your friends?”

Jaebum removed his hand from his face, giving you a nod. “I know. That’s why I never even considered reuniting with them. Although, it did seem childish at first. It felt like I was holding a grudge against them because they took Suji’s side after our initial break-up but… they were never really on my side per se, to begin with.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” you disagreed, angry about this on his behalf. “This is the place where you’d created so many memories. It’s not fine that Suji took them away from you. It’s not fine that you can’t come back here without running into any of the people that had pretended to be your friends for all of these years. It’s—it’s not fine, Jaebum. And I’m sorry.”

His heart – that had been hammering in his chest ever since Cassie came over to your table – finally seemed to calm down.

“It’s fine,” he said again, “because I'm not here alone.”

You swallowed, blinking slowly. “I would love to meet the other half of your friends. The real ones. The ones who stayed with you.”

This touched him even more as he nodded with no hesitation whatsoever. “You will. They will love you.”

He didn’t add anything else but this already meant so much. After having been left alone by nearly all of his friends, he was showing more and more willingness to finally trust someone new. He was finally ready to return to the places that had meant so much to him and create new memories – memories that he trusted not to become false in the long run.

And you were beyond confused.

He’d held your hand – which was a way to show Cassie that he couldn’t have cared less about Suji, no doubt – even though he was the kind of person who didn’t really care about what the others were saying – unless it was about his music, of course. But, you could find explanations to that. Cassie was Suji’s friend, it was likely that she was going to report all that she’d seen today back to her and Jaebum took precautions to make sure Suji didn’t try to come back into his life again. These precautions weren’t particularly unpleasant – you certainly didn’t mind Jaebum holding your hand or people assuming that you were together – but the confusion caused by his earlier confession was. It made your stomach churn all the way back to your apartment.

You just didn’t get it. He said he wasn’t interested in dating and yet you and him were doing almost everything a couple who was dating would do, except without the label. You knew he’d dated Suji and it didn’t end well – and you weren’t trying to be dismissive of all the emotional trauma caused by that relationship and all that had come after – but you had genuinely thought that he had moved on. He’d finally cut his ties with her, once and for all. He’d showcased signs of actually having feelings for you and even admitted that he’d actually thought you and him could have dated when you first met at the bar. Hell, he’d even kissed you on several occasions.

But he wasn’t interested in dating and, even though you knew that the current state of your friendship with Jaebum had its lines blurred by how far the two of you had gone with each other, you were suddenly even more confused about what you were doing. Was he just taking the chance – since you lived with each other – and doing whatever he wanted without worrying about any official statuses because he didn’t think this was a permanent thing? But then, if that’s the case, why did he say all of those things – why admit he’d thought of starting a relationship with you when you met? Why admit he’d been afraid you’d rip his heart out if he put it on the line?

Perhaps you were stupid for believing everything he’d told you – he was basically writing songs for a living, after all – but some of his statements didn’t coincide with the other ones, and you were simply—and yet, unexplainably—confused.

Meanwhile, Jaebum, as he walked next to you back to your apartment, noticed the clouded expression on your face and was able to realize that he was to blame for it. It was very obviously something that he’d said but he wasn’t sure what. He debated if holding your hand in front of Cassie was the right thing to do because that could have lead you to believe that he was hoping to make Suji jealous to get a reaction out of her when that couldn’t have been further from the truth. He just didn’t want to see her again and, alright, a small, very bitter part of him wanted to spite her -- he wanted her to know that he was happy without her.

But Jaebum wanted to believe that you understood that. That you believed he didn’t care about Suji anymore. So, it must have been something else that had brought upon your change in demeanor.

You didn’t understand what had happened there at the store and he didn’t, either because, after having learned how similar you were to each other, you could have never imagined you’d be able to misinterpret each other’s words in a way that put a pause on your developing—or… regressing—relationship.

    chapter directory

[sanguiresse-a]

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐓 ( repost, don’t reblog ! )

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬

FULL NAME.  Vladimir Savatier (for now!)  NICKNAME.  blood bastard man GENDER. male HEIGHT.  he stretches between 6 feet to 6′3... depends on the day.  AGE. physically he’s in a weird spot between late 30s and early 40s. actually? 2,300-ish years, give or take. ZODIAC. pisces. ha!  SPOKEN LANGUAGES. plenty! he’s most fluent in Ur-Nox and Common--- those are the ones he uses pretty much daily. but literally, you could point to any place on the map and he’ll have a basic grasp of the language at least. adding together all dialects and antiquated versions (think Old English), his language count is well in the double digits. 

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬

HAIR COLOR. white. sometimes it’ll darken to a pale blonde, or black. modern verse is blonde, bleached lighter.  EYE COLOR.  red! >:3c modern verse is blue.  SKIN TONE. super pale.  BODY TYPE. thin & scrawny.  VOICE. animated, theatrical, fast-talking. OR. quiet, breathy, rambling. always a little throaty. he’s a weirdo.  DOMINANT HAND. ambidextrous!  POSTURE. relaxed, as though floating. SCARS. physically unable to scar. unless you count the black and red mark on his chest, that pulses like a heartbeat and occasionally spreads to the rest of his body...  TATTOOS. see above! BIRTHMARKS. see above! MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S). his skin’s too clear and airbrushed, his eyes too bright, arms and legs just a little too long.... 

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝

PLACE OF BIRTH. a long-destroyed seaside kingdom in Eastern Valoran. (in modern verse? maryland lmao)  HOMETOWN. see above!  SIBLINGS. somewhere around eight or nine older siblings, and one younger sister PARENTS. a decapitated king and a mangled queen

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞

OCCUPATION. Noxus’s creepy blood mage. (modern: doctor)  CURRENT RESIDENCE. an isolated castle outside of Noxus (modern: nice apartment in NYC) CLOSE FRIENDS. Emilia LeBlanc (and all her incarnations) and Elise have been his longest companions. And also @eciled​ has gotten into his good graces, in her Grand General verse.  RELATIONSHIP STATUS. i tend to default to “mostly single” for interactions. but i do have hcs where he and jhin have a lil’ murder romance going on, so i like alluding to that from time to time. i also have a pretty extensive ship verse with @rebelsounds​ and it’s very cute and i love it a lot and Vladimir is happily committed there.  FINANCIAL STATUS. wealthy enough where people can, should, and do rob him without him even caring lmao  DRIVER’S LICENSE. n/a, cars scare him. but he can drive in modern, and does so often.  CRIMINAL RECORD. it has a lot.  VICES. pride & sloth.

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞

SEXUAL ORIENTATION. pretty gay!  PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch LIBIDO. really low. he’s had a few casual affairs in the past, and probably will again--- but it’s not something he craves or desires outside a proper relationship. at that point, he’ll have random spurts of Party Time, but he’s picky and fussy and very particular on how he’s treated. (though it’s worth noting that in modern verse he’s way more dtf)  TURN ON’S. listen. you gotta either McFucking Destroy Him or treat him very lovingly and tenderly. he’s also a sadomasochist so i mean, there’s that. but he loves talking and being talked to, whether it’s, like, raunchy shit or just loving affirmations.  TURN OFF’S. literally everything else. it’s so easy to turn him off, especially if he’s not that invested in the act/the relationship as a whole. but generally he doesn’t like  LOVE LANGUAGE.  acts of service & quality time. :3  RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES. he’s in it for a good time and then he’s out. his relationships usually end in a couple ways; he’ll either get bored and cease all communication, or actively antagonize the relationship to end it, or idk sometimes he might actually fall in love (see: michio)

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG. get lonely with me by george ezra HOBBIES TO PASS TIME. oh boy he’s got a lot! (he’s had a lot of time for hobbies) ---gardening; reading; animal keeping (primarily insects and birds); studies in magic, history, and language;  PERSONALITY TYPE. i dont remember and im not taking the test again ALIGNMENT. chaotic neutral at best; chaotic evil at worst.  PHOBIAS. not necessarily phobias, but he still hasn’t gotten used to the changing technologies in piltover / zaun, so he’s a little ?!?!!!!!! around them. oh, and water. he can’t swim, doesn’t want to, and is overall very unsettled around large bodies of water.  SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. you can’t wear an outfit like that without a great self-esteem.  VULNERABILITIES. his mind is so, so old. he’s tired and forgetful and probably going to go raving mad in a couple years. so he’s actually quite weak, mentally. 

[blackgirlblues]

Being a Black Girl and Finding Love

l o fucking l 

impossible

the last time i posted on this blog i was 18, 3 weeks away from leaving my hometown to pursue music in London and upset because my white friends didn’t understand the basics of cultural appropriation. 

here i am, back almost a whole year later. 

im 19 now, im a singer songwriter living in London, with an amazing group of diverse friends who understand each other and really have eachother’s backs. the last few months have been crazy for me, and i’ve experienced and learned about different parts of myself that i never knew existed because of how suppressed i was in my home environment until i moved. 

one of these things that i never really knew that well about myself, was how much i could feel for one person. 

growing up, i never really had much luck in the guy department. all my friends were white, and pretty, and most of the time i was the only black girl which, automatically, in society’s eyes- made me the ugly friend. it’s a statement that i know will make whoever reads this gasp. how can i call myself the ugly friend just because i’m the only black girl in the group? the same way our white as fuck society upholds euro-centric beauty standards and gives us warped depictions of what beautiful should be. beautiful in our modern day society means skinny, white and with long hair. its 2019, so this is not as rigid as it used to be, but growing up, it didn’t take long for me to realise that i was not what was desired by any of the guys me or other girls had their eyes on. 

not that boys are the be all and end all of life, but we can all agree that as young teenage girls, developing your first crush was a pretty big part of life. and the need to feel desired, and loved, and wanted will always be a big part of the human condition. and this isn’t something i’ve always had the pleasure of experiencing growing up as a young girl the way i watched my other friends have. 

i’ll spare you the long emotional details of childhood trauma when it comes to accepting myself and not letting whether white boys think i’m cute or not decide my value, i’ll just cut straight to what’s been keeping me up at 2am for the past 6 months.

two characteristics. 

capricorn with green eyes.  

i met him randomly at some music networking event and i always think about how weird it was that we somehow met in the first place. i was supposed to have gone home 10 minutes before, picked up an angry call from my dad telling me to go straight home even though he was a whole plane ride away. and my friend - let’s call her ellie, was outraged. “it’s only ten o’ clock you can’t leave”. she sounded stressed, to say the least. so, i didn’t. and 10 minutes later, i bump into him. 

fuck him. 

pretty smile, pretty eyes, pretty face, pretty laugh and he liked lorde and brockhampton. i was doomed from the start quite honestly. 

we exchanged instagrams, he invited me to some event he was putting on and this open mic in shoreditch that he and his friends always went to. and the rest was history that i cant ever seem to properly let go of. 

i started going to this shit every week just to see him, and after a couple months started developing a little crush, which after an invitation to some house parties, 2am voice memo conversations, supposed songs written about me (maybe), lingering looks, and a lot of conversations about astrology spiralled into me having full blown feelings for his pretentious ass. and it’s worse because he was never just a stupid boy. he was everything that i had always asked the universe for. i always said, that if the universe ever decided to send me my first boyfriend, that i wanted him to be educated in social issues, intelligent, motivated. capricorn was this. 

it’s just a shame that he probably didn’t feel the same way. 

i’ve been holding out hope for the longest time that maybe, just maybe, this time, i could finally be the girl that a guy looks at and says “yo, i want her.” the girl that someone looks at and sees something they could love. i wanted to experience the feeling of having someone reciprocate your feelings, and being in a relationship, and learning and growing with eachother. i wanted to have my first kiss and all these other things i dreamt up in my head because that’s what my scorpio ass does best; dreams. 

for once, i wanted to be that girl. the girl that’s desired. and not just desired but desired enough that someone truly starts to pursue me. 

let me cut to the chase and tell you that didn’t happen here. 

i let myself over-analyze, i blamed myself, wondered what i was doing wrong, how i could be “cooler”, if i was “cool enough” to even be with someone like him; that was my first mistake, putting some boy on a pedestal because i was lonely and touch-starved. scorpio ass behaviour. 

i let myself get sad when he wouldn’t text, or when he wouldn’t reply how i wanted. when he wouldn’t give me back the same energy i gave to him. i let myself get angry when i would show up to events to support him and he would dissapear for hours or flirt with other girls. because what the fuck? wasn’t i the one? i’m supposed to be the one. it’s my turn to be the one that somebody wants. why did the universe keep dangling something in front of me that i clearly couldn’t have? 

i thought that when i moved, everything would be different and somehow the stars would align and i would meet a boy that would finally make me “the one”. finally, i would get to experience everything my friends did while i sat on the sidelines and wished i had what they did. 

nah though, that’s not how shit works for girls like me apparently. 

girls like me lead ourselves on, the boys don’t even have to do any work. 

girls like me bask in the smidge of attention our crush gives us because we thrive off of the hope that somehow, maybe, possibly, they could feel the exact same way we have for so long and that eventually everything will come out and it will be a happy ending. 

but what happens when none of that shit goes to plan? 

i uploaded some random track that i was pretty proud of, it wasnt an official release so i wasnt really expecting a wide response. and i had been training myself not to expect anything from capricorn so i wouldn’t get hurt. but i couldn’t help the feeling i got when i realized that he didn’t share my song on instagram - which - i know, petty. but it was really the principle that got to me. 

i’ve been so supportive of this guy for the longest time. i would always ask about his projects, current and upcoming, hype him up over the littlest things but very rarely did he ever even ask me about what i had planned or about my day, anything he posted relating to his music, i would repost. i would message him saying congratulations, or that his song was fire or that he was just doing a really good job. i’d come to his shows and do the same. and he couldn’t even repost a track on his instagram feed? why? too worried about looking cool and professional for his all his lowkey famous edgy hipster friends?

something switched inside me, really, i just got angry. anger is the key for me a lot of the time. and it helped me realize, as much as it fucking hurt, that i wasn’t and would never get the same energy back from capricorn, no matter how hard i tried. no matter how much or how little i posted. regardless of how i analyzed the lyrics of his songs that i thought were about me, or the content of his instagram posts or his messages back. i would never get what i was putting in. and i still don’t know why.

 i don’t know why i never seem to be enough for the ones i truly want. but then did i really want him or the idea of him? regardless, i get neither at the end of the day. and that shit hurts, because this time, i let my hopes get higher and higher. 

and boy is it a long way down.

my minds gone through many phases when it comes to him, but i think im finally at the point where im just accepting the fact that he doesnt want me even though i want him.

so bad.

and maybe its the 3am talking, but i dont think anybody will ever want me in the way i want them. 

one time when i was 15, one of my friends said she couldn’t ever imagine me in a relationship. i cant either. 

maybe i’m unlovable, maybe love and relationships just aren’t supposed to be a thing for someone like me. 

i don’t really know if i believe in love anymore- which i know seems a bit dramatic all because of one guy but please understand its really an accumulation of things over the past few years of my growth. 

nothing the universe has given me or shown me tells me that i could ever find love in any place i look. 

so, i’m just going to stop looking. 

and i’m going to stop hoping, and manifesting, and wishing on 11:11′s, and on stars that i’m too far away to reach. 

and i’m going to stop opening my heart to every person who glances at it and smiles. 

and i’m going to stop giving the best version of myself to boys who wont even give me a quarter of what they are. 

and i’m going to stop thinking like just because i’ve moved countries that things have changed for me. 

and i’m going to accept that love isn’t something that was made for me. 

it never was.

at least now i know for sure.