#i mean its not that bad since i got new meds but i am feeling terrible today and i just like to imagine having someone not judge me for it

[lost-in-azalea-forest]

💊 Hi fellow disabled self shippers 💊

My spoons are a bit low and if yours are too, imagine your f/o being there by your side. They will help you take care of yourself and help you save some energy. They notice if you need water and bring it to you. Their gestures show care, but no pity. They just see you have a worse day and they want to take some weight off your shoulders.

They would make dinner for you (are they a great cook? or are you a bit worried if your kitchen can survive it?) and they would gladly eat it with you. They will spend this day beside you, they want to be there for you, during your highs and lows. Afterwards they remind you to take your meds and help you get to bed. If you want to, they will take a nap with you.

Prosh//ippers plz do not interact PLZ

[nexus-nebulae]

damn i actually had a pretty good streak there of not having bad insomnia days. that's pretty impressive for me like i haven't really had one since early January

[fakeuwus]

RECKLESS | lee heeseung

now playing ☾⋆⁺₊🎧✩°｡ reckless by madison beer

"how could you be, so reckless with my heart?"

⁺ ⋆˚ genre: idol!hee x nonidol/university student!femreader, pure angst sorry lol, established relationship

⁺ ⋆˚ warnings: cursing, lowercase intended, barely proofread, mention of i-land LOL, lots of dialouge and idk if thats even a warning but had to put it out there, use of nicknames like babe/baby, infidelity

⁺ ⋆˚ word count: ~1k

⁺ ⋆˚ message from nic: wanted to put smth out while working on my jay fic!! got inspired by this show i was watching called "the game" (dont watch it its like highkey misogynistic and a bit racist and just overall so bad 😭) i wanted to rewatch it bc i used to watch it as a kid and now i realize how bad it was skdkd. but basically the bf is a pro football player while the gf is in med school and a certain plotline in the show inspired this 😁 also this is my first writing piece so pls be nice and feedback is appreciated!

heeseung slowly opened the front door to the apartment you and him shared, trying to be as quiet as possible since you were most likely sleeping. once he made it in he tip toe'd his way to your guys' bedroom. "did you have fun tonight hee?" you asked, while sitting on the couch with nothing but the lamp on. heeseung jumps, "holy shit you scared me! baby what are you doing up? come on let's get you to bed."

he walks over and tries to give you a kiss. you turned your head down only allowing him to press it to your forehead. you were pissed. actually, you were beyond that. words could not describe what you were even feeling at the moment.

you get up from the couch and stand before him, "you didn't answer my question. did you have fun tonight hee?" heeseung is perplexed by your tone. you sounded... hurt? angry? annoyed? all of the above? he tried to proceed with caution, racking his brain of all the possibilities of why you could be acting like this.

"uh... yeah babe, i had a lot of fun tonight. sorry i stayed out so late by the way. you really didn't have to wait up for me, you're probably tired." he was hopeful this was the right answer. it's gotta be, right? all you could do was stifle a cold laugh.

why the hell were you laughing? what was so funny? heeseung can feel his heartbeat in his ears and his skin was turning hot. you had never once acted this way in all of the years you guys had been together. it may not seem like a big deal to others, but you had always been so caring and sweet towards him.

even when you guys were arguing, your soft voice never changed. this was new. this was scary. you had a smile that didn't quite reach your eyes now and it seemed like you were staring into his soul.

"yeah heeseung. it's 2 am," you say sounding almost condescending, "but no i'm not mad that you stayed out so late. i mean i WAS, but after someone sent me a little something i realized there are worse things to be mad about." suddenly your phone is shoved into heeseung's hands. his jaw dropped. no. there's no way.

"who sent you this?! wait no it doesn't matter baby you can't believe this can you?" he reaches out for you but you pull away and start walking towards the front door to gather your jacket and bag, "so you're not even going to try to deny it? huh. i guess my friends were right." it makes him sick how you seem so calm on the outside, your words and actions treating this like one big joke while he's freaking out. he'd rather you be a crying, screaming mess than whatever behavior you're exhibiting at the moment.

you turn back around to him, "you think i don’t know who you’re giggling with on the phone while i’m sitting in the room studying for hours? that i’m stupid enough to believe that you’re not making out with her in that video? that i’m blind enough to not see the heart eyes you two make at each other while in the same room?” your words drip with venom and they shoot heeseung straight in the heart.

he feels like the room is spinning and he wants to faint. he wants to go up to you and hold you and tell you that she doesn’t matter, that you’re the only important thing in his life. but that’s not what happens. heeseung is too wrapped up in the moment to admit his wrongs.

frankly, he’s disgusted with himself and at a loss for words right now. he wants to convince not only you but more importantly to himself that he didn’t do anything wrong. and so he does. what comes out of his mouth next are words he’d soon regret. “WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO YN?! i’ve been so lonely lately because you’re so wrapped up in school and she’s THERE FOR ME. she’s been there when you weren’t. i wouldn’t have made out with her if YOU were at the afterparty with ME like i asked you to! we won four fucking awards tonight and i just wanted my girlfriend there to celebrate with me.”

and just like that, you snap. the jacket and bag in your hands are now thrown to the ground and heeseung flinches. “YOU ARE SO FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE! do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth right now?! i told you i have an exam tomorrow there was no way i was going to that damn party.”

tears are blurring your vision and your breath is becoming uneven. you don’t even recognize the man standing in front of you. “i have a life too heeseung. while you’re out chasing your dreams so am i. do you even acknowledge the sacrifices i have made for you over the past five years? tell me, was she there for you when you first became a trainee? was she crying for you every fucking episode of i-land? was she there every step of the way supporting your career?!"

heeseung doesn’t speak. he doesn’t move an inch yet his brain is moving a million miles per minute. he knows you’re right. he knows that you decline going out with your friends so you can wait for him to come home from practice. that your life only revolves around school and him. and he’s so eternally grateful for you. his heart yearns to express all the love he has for you and that he fucked up so badly. he just wants to fast forward to the part where you guys work through it and everything is okay again.

but that time is never going to come because you walk up to him with a heavy heart, placing the promise ring he gave you all those years ago in his hands.

he stares at the pretty diamond that shines in the moonlight, the only thing illuminating the darkness that’s consumed the space you both once filled with love. “i hope she was worth it,” you say as you open the door and walk out into the cold night. leaving heeseung and all of the memories of your relationship behind.

© fakeuwus 2023 do not repost, translate, or plagiarize

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for taking everything I can from a former friend?

I 20 met this guy J 24M last year through a mutual friend, and since we happened to live in the same neighborhood we hung out more. For context, during this entire time I am/was also supporting an unrelated person financially, so I need every penny and have way less than J.

J has borderline personality disorder and does not go to therapy. I don't want to vilify anyone in the same situation, I'm just bringing it up because J's bps deeply impacts every aspect of his life.

He'd been going through some tough times, with his love life going to shit, cutting off his toxic family and having to find his own apartment etc, so I helped him often.

Since neither of us have much, we shared stuff regularly, e.g. he'd buy me food sometimes and I gave J my skateboard, among other things. I painted his walls & decorated, because I have the skill necessary and he doesn't. I went out to look at furniture with him. I asked my parents to give him furniture they were selling (he got it free). I frequently went to his place in the middle of the night, whether he had splitting migraines or thought someone had tried to break in. I helped him organize a Christmas party, even though he cancelled it because he got angry at someone or something. I cooked for him a few times (he doesn't cook). I let him use my washing machine after he moved into his new apartment without one, even though he owned a cat so all his clothes were covered in cat hair and I have a severe cat allergy, meaning I couldn't do my laundry normally & sometimes it came out with cat hair no matter how hard I tried (this lasted 8 months and would have gone on indefinitely if not for following events). Btw I did all of this without asking for anything in return.

Earlier this year, because of his ridiculously high expectations, he dumped his best friend at the time (the mutual friend), and assigned me his new best friend. After a few months, they became friends again anyway but I kept the "best friend" title.

In July, he hurt his dominant hand during an angry outburst. I was there when it happened but he seemed fine at the time. When he came to do his laundry the next day, Sunday, he told me that his hand was sprained and we talked about how he'd need to see the doctor the next day. He agreed to go. He promised to go to the doctor.

I know he's not good with going to doctors, especially on his own. So I texted him the next day and asked if he'd already gone. He responded "Nope, don't feel like", and upon asking why, he said that "it'll heal on its own anyway". Which to me read as 'I don't care.'

This pissed me off. I blocked him. I planned to unblock him once I'd calmed down, probably in a few days. I was really upset about this because it happens regularly. Him not going to the doctor when he should is a pattern, a bad pattern. He's gotten me sick that way.

The next day he texted my partner, asking if I was okay. They explained that i was upset at him for telling me he'd go to the doctor but then not going. He blew up at them that it was none of my business anyway whether or not he went to the doctor. Whined about his medical anxiety (which is valid but wasn't the point). Said that the sprain was healing so he didn't have to go. They argued for a while until my partner got tired and stopped responding.

Apparently I am now no longer his friend. He asked our mutual friend to tell me to pick up my stuff. I'm busy these days, so I haven't done it yet.

When I pick up my stuff, it's gonna be a whole list of things: a seat/cushion, a stovetop, 75€ worth of comics, a measuring tape, the skateboard, a box. I'll also bring him laundry detergents that are laying around at my place still.

Now WIBTA if I ask him to also give me pain medication to replace all the meds I gave him and money for the furniture I got him for free at the time (I'll ask 40€ even though they're worth more)?

What are these acronyms?

[bishiglomper]

Second time seeing my new GP. Saw my lab results last night so i thought i was gonna get the third degree about my eating habits... But she said everything had actually slightly improved since last time. Except my A1C. That was bumped up to 7.0. Which is.. okay. 👀💧

Told her I think the ozempic was giving me a major sweet tooth and its made eating meat hard. And sissy mentioned my stabbing tummy. But that hasnt happened in a few days.

But she was about to stop the ozempic because stabbing in the left side and intolerance to meat means gastroperesis. Which would be bad. I explained my thing with meat was more of an autistic burnout feeling, not that it hurt my tummy.. So I get to keep it. For now. 👀

I'm only 5lbs away from the weight i decided i would be happy with. Like lemme have that, yeah? 😅

She wants to take me off some meds. She said looking at my med list made her nauseous. Ive been on half of those for over a decade so a revamp is overdue. Especially since now im on 2 blood pressure pills and its starting to run a little low..

And FINALLY

A doctor whos wants communication from my other doctors. And not just to send me away to them to have them deal with me.

I have to sign 5 release forms so she can see what all the specialists have done so she can make informed changes. Like my diabetic meds are broken up between 3 docs, none of which were really from endocrinology lmao

Also i told her i hated cardiology and that they were useless. So once she gets those records we said she could play with my heart all she wants. Maybe since she'll have a full picture she wont just tell me to exercise my tachycardia away. 🙄

I also got a flu shot and my depo. So yay.

I had to do the mental health assessment. My sister was with me. That was kind of funny. She had opinions. 😅

Its hard to answer things like that because i am depressed and anxious, but about very specific things. 🤔 like my dysfunctional body. And the house.

In other news, I really need to do laundry. I wore this new bra i had picked up at a thrift store. I thought it was a sports bra, but now im thinking it might be some kind of compression top.

Its very comfy. I like it. Might live in it. 🤔

Normally i wouldn't want to squish my boobs but as long as it doesnt make my gut stand out, i really dont care if i dont have boobs. 🙃

[soldierofsirens]

Hello yes i am holding u hostage until we get a second part of that leo fic- /j (make a part two if u want, but its so good!!! :D)

@glitzicurities since I was inspired again, you may have a part two ! Also thank you for your kind words, it means a lot <3

Part 2 of the leo-centric fic go !

tw : panic attack, Mental breakdown, PTSD, anxiety, vomit (briefly mentioned)

Thousands of worlds. Thousands upon thousands of worlds. Across dimensions and space. An astronomical concept. A number to give vertigo, how could they even start to understand the depths of this massacre ? Earth was one survivor, but how many fell before them- And for what ? Duty, sacrifice, redemption ? Ruled over by Krangs. But then, a sombering thought. If their Krangs were sealed away, how many could still be out there ? They didn’t need a whole army on Earth. They were three, and destroyed a world with a single spaceship- the Prison Dimension held what, a thousands of them ? But if some many planets and dimensions had been taken over… How many, were still out there ? How many across dimensions and universes ? He wondered, did the others had a Leo, Raph, Donnie and Mikey to save them ? If Casey was from a parallel branch of this godforsaken apocalyptic Earth, and they still existed, then why not over universes ?

His eyes were stingings. Red from the tears and irritated by the frantic rubbing he did to be presentable once in the Lair. He was sure April had sent a text after his breakdown on the streets. He felt so bad. He ruined a perfect night for Sunita and April, and all for what ? An identity crisis he had been having for two years ? He had tried to be discreet, but nobody had come out. Not even Donnie and his shitty sleep schedule. Everyone apparently had called it a night. Leo didn’t know if he wanted to feel relieved or disappointed. The silence was suddenly deafening. The pipes running along the train station gurgled, echoing around the place like a growling beast. The lights were on, he noticed in the atrium. Probably Splinter. His dad had likely the third most shitiest sleep right before himself. The first place had been won over by Casey. The guy had practically been climbing up the walls after a week. He hadn't been injured like the rest of them, he only stayed because he wanted to keep them company. They only started to get out recently.

Raph had he hard time adjusting his sight. He broke three glasses and many plates trying to make himself something to eat. Mikey had felt compelled to help him but was held back by Donnie, surprisingly. The faster Raph could adapt to this… Whole situation, the better. He was frustrated with himself, of course he was, which was why they shouldn’t cuddle him. Not now. He didn’t need that. He needed being able to be normal again. He longed, like the rest of them, for a new normal. Leo hadn’t felt normal since he got out limping of the med-bay with reeducation and therapy. He could tell the weather turning he joked one day, because his leg hurt when there was humidity in the air. The guilt written all over his brothers faces had shut him right up. He had apologized. He didn’t really knew why. That night he got up early, even if he wasn’t tired and probably wouldn’t be for the rest of the day. He hurled in the toilets and pretended it was because he had too much pizza.

There was a hole in his car. He forgot about that. It was not so long ago, yet it felt like a lifetime. Donnie had promised to repair it, but there was so much to repair, it wasn’t due until… A few weeks maybe. He made do regardless. Leo was… Leo was… Leo was angry. He was angry at everything and everyone. He just was. He was angry because the world was injust. He was angry because he was just a child, and how come a child had to fight for the world instead of adults ? Why did it have to be him up there, with the Krang, while his brothers were grounded and safe ? Why ? Why ?! WHY ! The metal groaned under his fist and the mark left behind felt like a scar being torn open. He kicked, he punched, and then Leo was heaved of the ground and he screamed. He screamed for everything the world had done to him. For the hate he bore regarding all of those helpless adults, that let four children fight a war they weren’t meant to fight.

He wailed and howled and cried over everything that happened and shouldn’t have happened. "Leo ! Leo calm down !" Raph was distorted, all Leo could hear was his blood rushing through his veins- " You think you won, you wrentch little pest… Wipe that grin off your face !" and the laughter of a demon that called itself Krang. He screamed until his throat was raw and his voice rough. This world… This world was- Leo cried for everything he lost, and through his tears the voices of his brothers sounded like ghosts. "I’m sorry…" said Casey, and the world could have turn into an apocalyptic world right there, Leo wouldn’t have bothered to save it. But then, he was sorry too. Too bad all they got was this guy.

[fullsunstrawberry]

hey girlllll

okay first- the chap was SO GOODDDDD and i’m so excited for your nct reactions and texts!

also your tattoo with your mom is so cute 🥰🥰 and the designs for your seventeen ones are adorable so i’m sure your nct dream ones will be super cute as well <333

i want to get a tattoo but let’s be so fr i’m so scared of needles 💀 kao (bf) has a bunch of tattoos and they’re so cute but i personally would never - your so brave for thiss

also mother in law apologized thankfully so so more problems there :)

my life has been pretty boring tbhhh i’m living with kao rn but he’s pretty busy with his med school things rn so i barely see him 😢

i really need friends 😭

BUT ITS NOT LIKE I DONT HAVE FRIENDS my two ride or dies (yes we are a trio but we’ve known eachother since 2nd grade and there has been 1 argument that lasted 30 mins 💀) are literally so far away 🥲 missing them 24/7 but we have our weekly group facetime soon so 😋🤞

ugh life has been so boring recently fr i need a hobby asap

i feel like i’ve lost all my interests because i’m high school i would lterally do math for fun and that’s the last thing i need to do rn 😭 like sure i did. volleyball but where in nyc am i going to okay volleyball like be so fr rnnn

WNYWAY HOW ARE YOUUUU????? TELL ME EVERYTHING 😜😜😜😜😜

i have an obsession with these emojis i find them so funny

also my niece/cousin idk but she’s so like… IDKKK- she’s middle school high school age but i feel like i’m just on a whole different planet bc she’s so into everything like i need to keep up frrr

ANYWAY

make sure to drink lots of water and eat lots of good foodss- i love youuu 😜💓💓💓💓❤️❤️❤️‼️‼️‼️

also congrats on your blog growth! you deserve it fr

I got a bunch of nct random texts that I'm gonna post soon 🤪 but I gotta make some enhypen ones too cause my master list is lookin a little biased 😅

ahh thank you! i gotta hurry and get more kpop tattoos because my mom has more than me (she has two bts tattoos and wants a txt one)

i was terrified of needles but i had to get a bunch of blood work done when i was younger, so i’m a pro now 😤😤

if my partner had and tattoos i would color them in with markers if they had black and white ones

life’s been pretty boring for me too that’s actually why i made this account cause i used to have a tumblr way back and post on it but it became too hectic with my schedule…so i deleted it. but now i’m not really doing anything i love how hectic i post!! it gives me something to do and look forward to

i’m also in a friend group of 3 💀 but mine is kinda rocky because the other two always fight and im in the middle sometimes… but i love both of them and one of them might read this 🤪🤪

i still have lunch with them every other day in school but one of them is going to a different school and im gonna make sure we don’t drift apart 😤😤

most of my hobbies involve technology lol…

i like to make random webpages and of course video games, mostly sims or acnh.

But i love scrapbooking and i know a lot of people do it online now but nothing beats cutting up pictures and gluing it to a cute notebook or having a pen pal and decorating my letters

also photocard trading is fun and helps keep me busy

i’m glad the mil apologized because no one wants bad blood in a new marriage!!

i love using emoji’s because i don’t wanna sound boring when i’m writing and i can only use “T^T” so much

SAME! my cousin is younger than me and she makes me feel so old even tho i’m young! but she talks about tiktokers and celebrities i have no clue who they are nd half of the words she says, i’m like what?

tysm!! i’m surprised on how well my blog is doing, I love how many people have reach out to talk to me! It means a lot 😩❣️

don’t skip a meal!! 🥰🫶

[leggigoesabroad]

Narrator: the malaria medicine did NOT get better. After that last post, the next night I woke up at 1:40 am and was up for the night. Stomach wouldn’t settle and I had full and complete insomnia after that. I felt trapped in my nest of a bed at Kifaru House because INSIDE GOOD, OUTSIDE BAD. You know when you can’t sleep and then the same bed that is supposed to be your oasis is instead your mortal enemy? Can’t get comfortable, can’t relax, temperature all wrong - that’s how it was. There’s also nothing lonelier than the middle of the night alone and sick. I started spiraling and honestly being willing to risk malaria rather than continuing on this path. I went out for my 8:15 breakfast at like 6 am and luckily Wesley was there, and when I told him what happened, he jumped on the phone with a Maasai doctor and contacted the Lewa headquarters and got a replacement medicine for me that is known to have far fewer side effects. Blessed day. I cried with relief just at the IDEA of new meds! So - we can put that chapter behind us. Although even in the days since then I’m sleeping 4-6 hours a night, just naturally - it feels like when I was in Thailand and we slept an average of 4 hours a night for a week and then 12 hours for the last few nights when it all caught up. I sense a crash in my future. But that’s future Leigh’s problem!

So we leave off in Lewa, at Kifaru House. In almost all places, we have a local driver/guide, and then our Safari Director sits up front with them and they guide us together. If someone was going on a safari not with Micato, they’d just have the driver/guide at the camp or lodge, without the SD in charge of everything. That’s fine for some people but I love our setup. At Kifaru, our guide was Godfrey. Krista and I grew VERY attached to him over our two days together. He’s such an amazing person, as almost everyone here is - they all grew up here and know the land so intimately. Lewa in particular is a really special place. It’s a private conservancy in the Laikipia region, which is a collection of private reserves. The advantage of private reserves over national parks is that they limit the number of camps, guests, and vehicles. It also means you can “off-road” and drive up much closer to animals, as opposed to national parks where you have to stay on the main roads to preserve the landscape due to the volume of vehicles. Turns out I am a private conservancy girlie, wow. Driving around with just Wesley, Godfrey, and Krista - we’d encounter another vehicle once in a blue moon. We felt like personal visitors of Godfrey’s to his home hills and land. He knew every part of it like the back of his hand. He was so attuned to every sound and signal. At one point he stopped the car dead in its tracks and cocked his head, then raced across the plains to find a lion and lioness basking in the sun - which he figured out from afar by the noises of the birds and the body language of the impalas and gazelles. What?? Every time we’d come upon a beautiful sighting, he’d kill the engine and we’d all sit there silently, observing the animal, listening to the air and chirps around us, just being a trusted visitor in their home. It’s hard to describe tranquility like that. It’s what we all wish for and hope for and it is crazy to see it … actually existing, in the same earth. I kept thinking, “it feels like it’s just us and these animals in front of us, like we’re the only living things in this whole world.”

Saying goodbye to Godfrey was lowkey GUTTING. I thought, if I feel this attached to him, I’m in trouble - this is the first stop of 7 safari stops!! I can’t afford to give my whole heart to each of them! I think I’ll remember forever the way he’d light up at certain sightings, and his voice would get high-pitched and excited to share his knowledge and beautiful moments with us. Micato always says the goal of our trips is to feel like our guests are welcomed, treasured family friends, and I finally get it.

We left on Friday morning for our two flights to the next stop in the Maasai Mara, at Bateleur Camp. We had a 15 minute flight from Lewa to Nanyuki, then deplaned for another 15 or so before boarding the 1 hour flight to Kichwa Tembo air strip (piloted by two young female pilots - baller). These flights were real low moments for me - I was coming off the psycho night of no sleep, super nauseous despite Dramamine, sweating through my clothes on the hot bush flights, etc. We landed at Kichwa Tembo and were greeted by Cate, staff at our next stop, Bateleur Camp. She had a table set up with sparkling wine, juice, and snacks. She was quiet at first and then we got to know her way better over the next day and as expected, I fell in love with her like I did Godfrey. More on her later. We drove the 20 minutes to Bateleur and my lord, I was CURED. I had such an incredible visceral reaction to that place. It’s nestled in the trees, with dining areas all throughout, and comfortable lounges and bars throughout, all with a stunning view of the plains and savannah in the distance. We got to our rooms and just, speechless. The cool breeze coming through the screened doors, rippling through what is the most beautiful room I’ve ever stayed in, arguably. Gorgeous décor and attention to detail. I was immediately sad we were only staying one night. Forward my mail, I’m moving in. After the sleepless night before, I wanted to curl up in that oasis for 24 hours straight. I ended up waking up with the sunrise the next morning at 5:30 (didn’t have to be up until 8) and I wasn’t even mad. Just sat up in bed and watched the colors change over the horizon over the next hour.

Next post will continue on with our time at Bateleur and then transferring on a 6 minute, 44 second flight to Mahali Mzuri - but need to go shower before dinner!! I’m rueful that these blogs aren’t witty like they used to be but I realize there’s a direct correlation with my level of objective misery (Thailand food poisoning, living in Luxembourg, sunburns in Barcelona, etc.) and my level of engaging, funny posts. In this circumstance, I’m okay with the trade off. ❤️❤️❤️

[healingheneree]

12/20/22 - Happy 20th

Its been almost a week since i put some words on paper.  This week has been a weird and difficult week for me (us).  So many emotions i am still dealing with.  Lets start with how last week ended and into the weekend.  I know you went out alot and then by the end of the week you got sick again. Taking care of you while you are sick and being useful and helping you makes me feel so good and makes me feel worthy and having you appreciate it feels good. It use to be enough for me. It used to be all i needed to be ok with life. NOW its not. It doesnt mean i dont want to do it it just i want so much more now. After i was done i saw you lay there so tried and vulnerable and all i wanted to do is HOLD you and HUG you and give you all the once of love and energy i have to make you feel better. I wanted to so bad it was hurting so much to not be able to. For some odd reason i felt Her wanting the same time but at the same time so scared.  The fear of being hurt and the fear of being let down and disappointed was there. So i held back and left and it was so hard to do.  But then i coudnt help myself but to come back and give you meds and really i just wanted to check in again.  I then check in on your and my heart was pounding from god knows what but i saw you lying in the dark i came up checked in told you what i brought and then gve you a kiss on the forehead and it was like electricity from my whole body into my lips as it touched you. God i want so much more even after i know all that is going on. I cannot hide it so i am going to write it down instead of keeping it all inside. I havent been writing because i was hoping this feeling would just pass and its was just sometime small but lets be real i know its not and i am just avoiding feeling hurt because i want more. I am scared to want more and push for what i want because im scared to fail.  I am happy you were feeling better to go visit your friends.  Man on your way home when you came over to sit wtih lucas. I was staring at you and i felt like a little kid and just wanted to hug you. My little inner child misses her. I miss her free spirt. The fun banter, the quick glances and having the eye to eye looks. The Nose pokes on the arm and lastly the hugs and long embraces. Those happy thoughts gets me out of a deep hole so easy but at the same time im tyring to figure out if thats healthy or not. When i dont think about that i get depressed and first thing i want to do is numb. Tennis, Games, friend, alcohol , drugs. Then i fall into the present and can enjoy the NOT and not have to worry about feelings. I see how powerful that stuff is and how much good and bad i have in my life. I notice my patterns and cycles and how i deal with stress and things I want to avoid. 

Saturday i got to watch a movie with Lucas 1 on 1 and it was amazing. He is going to be my new best friend he just doesnt know it yet. Or even Liam i cant wait til he starts having real conversations. Lucas is a chicken like me during scary parts he hides. I mean i didnt teach him to be scared but im sure he got that us. Having fun outings and doing cool stuff is awesome and the part im getting use to is not sharing it with you. I wish you were 2 seats down and sitting with us and enjoying it.

Write more later ….

[samhaininthemembrane]

[Vent. Migraine, Anxiety, and Period stuff]

Everything feels so bad right now. My skin feels like it hates me, like everything is too cold and too hot at the same time. My head hurts but it's about a 3-4 so its workable.

Couldnt sleep. Hyperfocused on a sketch that distracted me from the body problems and when I got to a stopping point, I got myself to at least lay in bed in the dark and relax for a while, which is better than not doing that. I'm so mad too because I woke up at such a good time yesterday, I thought I was gonna be okay for a while.

My anxiety is spiking like a motherfucker. I'm residually pissed off in general and I hate that feeling because it means the way I think about the people I love is fucked. I've been going into 'sick cat mode' the past few days to avoid snapping or being too grumpy. It's just easier to manage when I don't have the subconscious need to mask.

My therapist taught me a vagus nerve stretch, and I've been trying to do it but I think it's making me have more anxiety? Since vestibular migraines arent super understood, who the fuck knows what's getting crossed there? (Probably a doctor and not me)

At the same time, I'm also desperately craving attention, especially comfort would be nice. I dont feel like I can reach out for it though. The people close to me have trouble with extrapolating potential help and only really help with specific requests, sometimes. Usually when I need help the most, I am incapable of being able to think enough to know what to ask for.

I have my ADHD meds in me right now, which is why I was able to go use the bathroom, get some drinks from the kitchen, and get some various painkillers and other meds from the family stash. I did almost throw up on my 10 step walk from my bed to the bathroom, but I didnt so that's nice.

I kind of want to cry right now, but I know I cant because it will make the pain worse. I'd probably put myself at a 6, but I dont have the scale in front of me so idk. The desire to cry is from a combination of sensory overload from power tools being used somewhere in my neighborhood and the guilt for potentially having to back out of evening plans again.

I got some blackout curtains, but in order to put them up, I have to do a decent amount of cleaning of my room, which is basically impossible right now. It's getting pit like again, a common occurence in my life.

I was potentially going to join a new discord LARP that has its first session today, but all weekend I've been basically incapable of reading and processing the game books, let alone finishing my sheet. The ST running the game said it's fine and that, with my concept, it might actually be fun to have him come in later, so that's kind of nice.

I hate periods. I hated them anyway for the annoyance and the mild dysphoria, but now they are so so much worse. I'm some sort of horrible co-morbid soup.

I might just be venting into the void here, but at the very least I can use this when I'm making notes for my next neurology appt.

[donotlookatmyface]

06 / 15 - 8 : 43 p.m.

after work today, i went to grab some coffee. ive always ordered vanilla but i wanted to try caramel. i remember that like a year ago this cute girl use to work there, always made the coffee super creamy. i liked it. but since then, not seeing her there anymore, after months, the coffee didnt taste the same. 

anyways i asked once if i could have more cream on my coffee, since it just tasted so bitter. they always told me that the iced coffee is premade and that they dont add anything to it. so i just took the vanilla coffee like it was.

so today i took a sip of the caramel coffee. its creamy. its the same coffee i used go order. 

i thought, she used to get my order wrong. i liked the wrong coffee. 

and i thought about telling you. how when i would go home and tell you “ guess what just happened to me today ”. but in my head i dont know what you would say back. i dont have any idea what you would even tell me. if you would be annoyed, dismissive, or interested in what i have to say. i have to admit i got a bit teary eyed, waiting for my food. i hope that the guy who gave me my order didnt notice. if he did, sorry. 

when i got home, i was still feeling upset and i just sat in the grass.

and i kept thinking, and i hate this part of my thought process.

what would have you done if you did kill me that night, what would i looked like ?

petite, skin and bones. only 87 pounds, blond with brown roots, rashes all over.

i should hate you, for threatening my life. i should hate you for the way you treated me, the way so spoke to me. the way you looked at me. i felt like nothing and that i was only alive because you let me. the amount of times i just cried myself to sleep, the times i didnt. the time i sat in the bathroom with a razor in my fingers. the times i slept with someone new who i thought could help me, to forget you. i cried so many times during sex. you only noticed once. taking shots every night to help me sleep. what would you have done.

what would my parents think, my mom already had a bad feeling about you. my father would come to my funeral, second child he’s lost. maybe he would start again with a new woman. my sister’s i dont think they would take it very well. 

anyways ive been thinking of cutting again, the days seem very mushed together. thats not the reason for wanting to cut though. it would be because i want attention. its pathetic but i think since im 21 now, i dont really have insurance anymore. so that means no therapy or meds. hell, my last meds where 1000$ without insurance. and i dont know if i said before but my hallucinations are not getting better. even if its not night or dark i see things more often, today i saw a bug crawling on my skin. other days im hearing a voice, when i am very alone at my work. so, yea, i seem to be developing auditory hallucinations now. yaaaay. 

but, i think i wont ever be in another relationship again. not now, not for years from now. a boy has been talking to me, one from my high school but, i dont know if hes flirting with me or just playful. i dont reciprocate, or really answer to these text like someone who would want him would. but im not interested. hes nice, sure but so was bunny at first. i am scared.  

[borahaejenn]

💜Hello Everyone!😊💜

    I came back from the coast! I had to get out for awhile because I felt I was in the city too much and even though I go out in seclusion during my runs and walks, it still isn’t far from the city and so I was so happy to go to the sea far away, again.😎 There was this cool ajumma who was coming back from the secluded beach I went to today and we crossed paths as there was only one way out, and she just had a mini conversation with me about the weather and she was so sweet and told me that I picked a good day to come and enjoy the wind and the sun. I told her to have a nice day. It was heartwarming. This week, I went and destroyed something I was working on for awhile and I am restarting it all over again and it feels so freaking good.😂 Rebirth process was initiated and I was thinking long and hard and one night at 3 am I got in the computer and just deleted everything along with other doubtful thoughts. I could not sleep for days because I kept thinking about it for a bit and really asking myself hard questions and I was like “screw it, it is going down” lmao and so I got out of bed and I started clicking and just feeling refreshed right after and new things just came to mind. It felt more me after I got new ideas at the dawn of the day lol I really am a nocturnal human. I even get my best ideas late at night and I have like a small notebook by my bed just in case I think of something and don’t want to forget and sometimes things come like nothing and out of nowhere as I am laying in bed in the darkness lol rather than in the day time and its nice to have a mini notebook by my bed. 👍

  How was your week? I missed you. I know that maybe the days may seem tiring, but thank you for doing your best this week too. You did well.☺️ Out of all the days, I had two days, where I felt so freaking weird and I didn’t want to do anything and just be at home, but I got myself outside and went for my daily activities and I felt proud of myself for pushing myself and at least trying.  Oh and I forgot to mention this too, but I talked in the blog about not taking any medications for my own depression, and I just wanted to clear this out, because I feel like people may assume that I am against medications, but that’s not it. I just have always feared taking any mediations and I mean really feared them. I only ever took them by force with food if I felt immense pain and felt the need to. I really fear swallowing pills and one time I could not swallow one after like 15 tries and the pill got so washed out that I tasted the medications strongly in my mouth and I threw up three times.🙃 When I had pneumonia, I almost did not take my medications and I almost lied to my mom and thought of just letting the fluids stay in my lungs and just pass away on my bed and like it was a dark time for me, but they gave me pills to take care of the issue in my lungs and they were so freaking huge I just didn’t want to take any of it even if it cost me my life at that time, until my mom kept checking in on me and I told her I can’t and my mom as fierce at the doctors and asked for the smallest pills and I swallowed them. If it wasn’t for that small pill, I don’t know what would have happened, but my fear is strong with pills. It is not a joke even though I bring humor with it. It is my way of sarcasm to deal with my fear. Lol Since I was younger when I found out, I just tried my best to find a way out of taking pills and with my case of depression, because every case is different, I thought I was able to get through it holistically and for me it has helped even though I can take pills better now when I need to. If you ever are offered medications for depression or any other mental disorders and you are cool with taking pills and meds, do so. You have to just go with what works best for you and that you know will help you function through your day. It is different for everyone. Don’t ever feel bad for taking medications. Not taking medications does not make you stronger in your journey to healing and I hope people can remember this, because trying to equate the idea of feeling more pain to resilience is not something to earn a badge of honor for, nor is it something you should feel you need to keep handling without medications just because others may not.  At the end of the day, no one will care more about your pain than your own self, believe me when I say this because it is true. It is not that people are cruel, but that your own heath journey is no one else’s narrative or story to tell, but your own when it comes down to it. Take care of yourself, well. 🙏

   The second thing I wanted to talk about is the MBTI questions. Lol I got to looking at the responses and alright I got some points for fun. As an INFJ-A these are my thoughts and points😆:

-“I tend to overthink this stuff” is funny because Hobi said it and from one INFJ to another, I FEEL YOU HOBI. I overthink trivial things more than the non-trivial ones. Lol

-“I feel like life has no meaning and then the next day it’s kinda fun again” is one of the things I agree with Taehyung. LOL I think humans make life so complicated trying to label their life joyful, happy, sad, boring, when life is all about those things and each day just looks and feels different. Lol It is just about attitude in the day. You can’t change the energy of the day because it can linger once you wake up, but it is about how you go about it. You can just chill out, do nothing, eat, rest, or go out. It is just up to you.

-I am 50/50 with Hobi’s “I am happy when others are happy” because it depends, if I know the person I hang out with is always projecting their lows whenever we hang out, I can’t try to make them happy all the time. If the person can’t meet me halfway, I know that I have always tried to go above and beyond for others and it at times drained me, so, I like to be more careful. I am happy when people around me are happy, but the people around me have to communicate with me with what they want or may need for me than to just always project on me. Speaking to me about something that bothers you Is one thing, but if the conversation just ends with that and nothing else, then I won’t try to guess what you want out of me if you don’t express it. I just don’t like guessing what I could do to help someone. I know listening can be enough, but I like to do action as well.

-In regards to the question about a friend third-wheeling me with another person lol, I am 50%Hobi and 50% Taehyung. I learned that I really love and I mean really love when people value their time with me one-on-one and it makes me feel like a person appreciates my presence with them when they don’t go and try to invite people last minute. It turns me off a bit when someone does and I had friends who did that in the past and it just peeved me. It is not because I am being a jerk, but I just came across so many different people who just either ignored me in the outing, showed passive aggressiveness, had this like overpowering energy over every conversation, and even just made me feel bad indirectly if I talked to my friend normally through out the outing and it just made me so uncomfortable and I never told my friends before and I just dealt with it, but now I stand my ground. Lol Never do I ever want to waste my time feeling that again when I could just wait another time when someone seriously wants to hang out with me for real. The funniest time was when one of my friends invited me out to go to the mall and I ended up being the one to drive us there and I was cool with it and the day I got to her house, she just goes “I hope you don’t mind but I invited so and so because they needed to go to the mall too” and since I was there already I didn’t say crap and I was panicking in the inside lol I just wanted to go home lol and the person was just so petty the whole time and y’all I was like in my early years of college and I can’t believe I even drove.🙃 I literally drove all three of us. Like if I was more honest I would have just dipped early and said, “y’all can catch an uber.”🤣🤣🤣 Pull a Taehyung and dip early. 🤣🤣🤣 Like we decided to split the restaurant bill too and one of them ordered a bunch of appetizers that I didn’t even eat and I still ended up paying for it. I was such a pushover back then. Like damn. Lol Never again. So, yeah I take that question personal from experience and I have my reasons.  If someone wants to hang out with me they have to tell me for sure who is coming. I understand if someone cancels, but adding another person I don’t know the day of is like a big no for me. I protect my energy at all costs these days.

-The question about going out after being indoors for work all week, well I am with Joonie on that one. If I am always indoors, it kind of messes with my energy and I need to walk or run at least once in the day because I get overwhelmed being all day at home. I also like to move my back and my legs from being on a chair all day. However, if I am to go out in the weekend, it would have to be a secured place. I don’t like really being out in the weekend because it is too packed with people everywhere and that bothers me. Lol I like going out in the weekdays more because it is more chill and less packed through the week than on the weekend.

-It is impossible for me to go a whole without talking to someone. My mom always has to say hi to me and she will find one way or another to do so. I am use to someone checking in one me once in the day lol

-The text and call debate is funny, because I don’t like phone calls if someone is nearby lol I like text more if that is the case. If I am far away from someone I like phone calls and video calls. I remember talking to friends who went to other colleges far away through video calls when face time got popular. Lol I only ever text my family and sometimes I text right away if they need an answer, but if it can wait, I text back like three to four hours later. I personally like talking to people in person better.

-Spacing out???? I think it it is both being lost in deep thought and not having any thoughts at all. I had both happen in high school. Sometimes I focus on one thing in my head that my eyes would stare at the wall and someone would try to get my attention and I would not look at them but be in my own brain focused on a thought and other times I would be so tired that I just think of nothing and I daze out into the wall.

-My cooking style is 50% estimating the measurements and adding things as I go (like I was raised by my mom and grandma and they both cooked intuitively lol) and 50% following steps but mostly with baking. Baking is something I don’t go winging lol I am not confident with baking yet.

-With memorizing things I follow 3J. I can complete the 4J since my name is Jenn. Lol I can never cram. It does not help me at all and I have always failed tests doing that🤣🤣🤣🤣 You have to give me 3 days to a week to get the hang of something as long as I make it a habit to study it thoroughly. I always find that after each research paper I have done in school, I have gained a better understanding of things and I learned new facts so much better that way than just being told.

-With the coffee shop Imma go with Yoongi: “That one is just a mistake” lol But also, I don’t care much for option B. I would just tell them that they can take as many photos as they like, but at the end of the day it is about whether or not they can even comprehend it. You can’t copy my methods or skills.  Muahahahahahahaha I cracked up a bit when Jimin went: “The notes are ineligible now?” As soon as Joonie changed the stakes again.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣  Could not be me, because I use smudge proof pens for my notes. 🙃

-I laughed at the question about how I would respond if a friend is upset about how bad they did on a test and I agree with Jin’s answer because I was always unserious with grades even thought I did well at times. Lol That “CONGRATS” was it.🤣🤣🤣👍 I would always talk to friends of how some questions where beyond what we studied at times because even classmates would bring it up and the teacher would take that question out and round our grades up higher. Lol

-Taehyung saying “It’s better than yours” for the job question is hella funny.  I could not get his response out of my head. I would not say that, but damn I appreciate Taehyung defending his decisions. I would possibly respond with “I know.” It is the equivalent to Hobi’s “umm. I’ll think about it” lol I always say “I know” to agree with people but not really take what they say to heart and just go about my own way. It is like my crutch word in person. I am not even kidding. I just nod my head and say “yeah, I know” and change the subject.🤣🤣🤣🤣 I love how Jimin said “I will see it through” because I can imagine his voice and the way he says it would sound like so subtle yet with the energy that says to back off his personal business. I love it. 🤣 Kind of like saying:  “Thanks for your two cents, but I make my own money one way or another, so, here is your two cents back.”🤣🤣🤣

-The car accident question is tricky because I am with Kook in this one and I would appreciate it more if someone thought of my well-being above all else because who knows if the car accident was a major one and I was facing severe trauma right there and then and I possibly dialed them out of fear and shock. I would rather someone ask me if I was okay first than if I had papers. Lol I loved how JK was like “That’s my business.” Lol I am sentimental, but I would still understand if someone responds with other things. But it would sting a bit. Lol

-Hands down if I cooked for a friend and it does not taste good, I would want them to just tell me straight up. With cooking, I also like honesty and I would rather make something with them together or get take out. I am picky with my foods at times and I get it. Lol I love eating and if it don’t hit the spot, I wish for someone to tell me. However, if it was the other way around and I was the one eating it, I would ask them first before they even start if they need some help and if they are confident in making food, because I really would love to cook with them. It is always the thought that counts, but I would rather avoid wasting food and also avoid making someone feel incapable by learning with them too. ☺️

-Shout out to the BTS CREW member who put (magic powder) next to MSG.🔥🔥🔥 y’all wild and I love it!Here in the USA there is a debate about how unhealthy to healthy it is to have MSG in our foods and y’all just cool with it in Korea.🤣🤣🤣 y’ALL LIVING LIFE!!!!!!

-The question about what I would do if a friend seemed angry at me in the past days hits home so bad. First let me tell Joonie: “My love, you didn’t lose friends, they lost you.” I say this because people who choose to not confront you when you told them you feel uncomfortable by how they are treating you and they choose to walk away, is not a you problem, it is a personal problem they have and it has nothing to do with you especially if they choose not to speak on it. This is why boundaries are so big to me here. I use to be the person who would wait and you know what I found out, people should not be making you feel like you have to go through every little thing you did just to figure “what you did wrong,” especially if they are acting passive aggressive and choosing to be silent for so long. This is a problem I had because I always had to apologize and be deemed the “bigger person” and screw that, we are redefining that name to, “I am going to tell you that you are making me feel uncomfortable with your passive aggressiveness and I will give you a bit to take it in and what you do with what I just told you is what will define how effectively we can communicate and even resolve conflict, but if you choose to walk away, I am not chasing you because I said what I said. If I did do something wrong, please explain because at times I may do somethings that may make others uncomfortable too, but I am also learning. But, I will not waste my energy trying to pick at myself because you just won’t talk about it. I am right here. In John Meyer’s words, ‘say what you need to freaking say.’ “ People need to learn to say what makes them uncomfortable. I feel like it creates this dependency that is not always good only because sometimes you do put your best foot forward and some people are having a bad day or a bad time with life but everyone is in their own way and that does not justify how you treat others. Learn to vocalize what makes you angry. I don’t think I could ever be friends with people who make me feel off with passive aggressiveness. Like I get waiting like a whole day or maybe two to chill out, but any further or if they choose to just move funny in their attitude with me afterwards, I will call them out and it is we talk now or we end things.  I like how Joonie brought this point out because it adds to the idea of justifying attitude towards people based off other things: “but sometimes they don’t know why they’re angry either.” Like you can not know why you are angry but don’t be projecting it unto others unnecessarily. But, if someone did do something that crossed your boundary, let people know like you do have the right to be mad, but it is also your responsibility to let people know what you don’t like as well and if you don’t say anything you can only be mad for so long because the other person who did it probably has no idea what bothers you. You have to keep that in mind. Be mad, but use those feeling towards something that can help your situation not make it far worse.  This comes from a lot of experience in past toxic work environments I have had the honor of working in and those were some of my worst days and I have had so many people projecting their passive aggressiveness on me all my life like whenever I just go in anywhere there is always that one person who wants to pick at me and just say shady crap and I never said anything back because I had to work and they were almost always a higher up staff member and it creeped me out. I was happy the times I quitted many jobs and y’all like the worst time was when I went into a warehouse position for this corporate arts and crafts store that I will not name but it is well known and I worked overnight and one of the second in command managers just always talked to me and treated me like I knew nothing and even exaggerated whenever I got things done and just kept making fun of why I never react to her comments. She would always just also hover over me and always pick at the smallest things and I had high anxiety working there because she kept telling me about time every few 30 minutes in my 8 hour shift. There was four other people working and some even younger than me at that time and not once did she breathe down their neck not even the new employees after I have been there for like two months. She just had it out for me and everyone just loved her. Lol I just wanted to slap her. One time she literally got everyone together and was like “Jenn’s new name is going to be Zen Jen because she just seems so calm every day” with the most sarcastic voice ever and in my head I was like “If I was able to quit this job right now I would literally get this giant box from the truck and yeet it at you at least that way, I would not have to hear your annoying voice again.” I was close to wanting to pick at her insecurities right then and there in front of everyone to hear, but I kept telling myself that I am built different and I don’t do that crap unlike others. I hated that job. Ever since that time, I don’t like people moving funny with me or my emotions, people either tell me what is good and I give ample amount of time or I will come at them starting from the bottom and I won’t stop until I reach the top. I have no mercy anymore. I will be gentle at first and give space, but if after that still nothing, I am going full force.  I appreciate Jimin for saying that waiting is unbearable. Lol Because I feel him.

-I clean my room regularly. I have to because if I don’t, my habits will plummet. Lol For me al the little things add up and if one thing is amiss, at times it can mess up my whole flow.😆

-Going on a trip with friends??? Best believe I booked everything except the entertainment. I like to go with the flow once I get somewhere.  I just like having the hotel and trivial parts in line first.

-The question about going on a trip and what roll I would like to fulfill is easy for Me and I thought of a huge trip with ARMY and Bangtan: I would like to be number 4 the ENTERTAINMENT. I agreed with TAEHYUNG HERE. I would for sure make polls and surveys and split ARMY into groups with that they would like to do because I have been with friends on trips and it is so important to be around people who really want to do what you are up to like no questions asked. I would not like to leave anybody behind or like they can’t have fun because they are being forced into someone else’s form of entertainment unless they pick “up for anything” in the survey. And they have to be real and honest with that option because OMG do I have stories for this one and damn I feel like I would enjoy being with Joonie too lol He gets it and I feel him with the “complaining” part. I had those people in past trips and it was so annoying not because they weren’t up for doing anything but because they weren’t honest in the first place and didn’t say what they really wanted to do and waited until we flew out of the country to be like “I think I will stay at the hotel” lmao then everybody feels bad and decides to not do anything and it sucked. I had this one friend who claimed she was “okay” being in the hotel only to come back to her being petty for us not staying with her in the hotel when we literally flew out to go out. LIKE WHAT?????? I need to find my soul tribe to travel with because I love to go out and try random things and eat out when I travel. Let me bring up the Cabo trip with a past person I was cool with. I first wanted to go to Disneyland in LA because I only ever went to the one in Paris and it was lit, but my friend said no. Then  I picked Cancun because my dad told me to go there and he always wanted to take my family there and he knows the area because he lived in Mexico all his life until his 20s and I wanted to go in the lakes and climb and take photos and walk in the parks and I asked my friend if she wanted to go there with me first but my friend was so indecisive and wanted to go to Cabo 🙃 biggest mistake for my first trip alone with a friend but I learned my lesson from it. I learned a lot about what I could do differently and how I could voice what I am good with and being serious on it. My friend claimed that she was cool with anything and I honestly didn’t want to go to Cabo it is not really for me lol it has a lot of bars and it is more for tourists lol I have been in Mexico all my youth so it feels like home and Cabo felt like the same and it was hot as hell and I didn’t want to go drink I wanted to go to water parks and do the ATV, and do sand dunes and I was willing to pay for it, but once we got there, homegirl was annoyed because of the heat and didn’t even want to drive and so I drove the whole time we where there, then she always wanted to eat out when we agreed to make food each day because she was keen on doing that before we left and so I went with what she wanted. Like it wasn’t the change that annoyed me but just the fact that we just went with what she wanted to do without even having anymore of a say on things is what bothered me and she didn’t care to ask me.  Then she ended up telling me that she signed up for summer school and had to stay in the hotel to do her homework on her laptop when I was not aware of it at all, and she kept saying that it was too dangerous for us to do anything outside.🙃 I was annoyed for that whole time and wanted to just go home but we booked a certain time to fly out and I lost 10 pounds of water weight and got a mean tan for that time I was there. The saddest thing that aggravated me is that a month after our tip I found out she went to Disneyland with another one of my friends when I asked her first but she said no. Lmao Never again. I need to travel with my soul tribe. The people who vibe at my level with energy and wanting to do things. Lol I love experiences and if I wanted to be inside somewhere I would have just stayed at home and not waste my time and money even flying out somewhere. Lol I get the idea of chilling even while traveling, but I mean like if you are going out for a short amount of time, I just like to make the most of it with also ample amounts of chill, but I can’t chill the whole time. I just wish people would tell me the truth first rather than me having to figure it out and having a bad time. Joonie I feel you so bad. HI-FIVE ME HERE BECAUSE I KNOW THAT FEELING SO MUCH.

-If my phone is broken I would agree with most of y’all and repair it later because I have done that before. If my phone is working well, I don’t feel the need to fix it right away. I admire Hobi’s tact. 😁 I get lazy to get my phone repaired.

-For my days off it depends. Some days I just like going with the flow and don’t plan anything at all. Other days I make a time to do something or I have something set in mind, but I would execute it in the afternoon or before the evening. Lol

-In regards to school vacation, let me bring back high school and middle school Jenn. EAT, SLEEP, READ, THE SIMS2, GO TO ANA’S HOUSE, BATHROOM, EAT, SWIM, AND REPEAT. From time to time I had like three months where I would bee in Mexico with my grandma from both my mom and dad’s side and halfway through the three months we would switch visits from Guanajuato to Guadalajara. Lol I didn’t really prioritize anything.

-If I were to get in touch with an old friend I would actually schedule it. I like it more when I know I am for sure seeing them.

-With personality tests, well, I am 50/50 with believing in them. I mostly trust life path numbers and birth charts. Everything is subjective of course, but I don’t judge people based off their charts or signs. I know I have been judged before because of my zodiac sign lol people would say things about Aries in front of me and they never asked me what I was and they never could figure out what I was lol I just listened and didn’t say anything.  I do just say things like “it makes sense” because I discover people’s charts and then I see their mannerisms and how they are and their chart kind of shows that. It isn’t judgement but just an observation I say and it is also an observation that anyone can challenge. It isn’t right or wrong to me. Also, Taehyung has fire in his big three. Lol I am slightly wondering what they told him exactly because he either needs to get in touch with his fire signs or he needs people with those signs around him because he has fire lol maybe it is dormant to him and the message was to tune into those aspects of himself. This is why I say that spiritual messages are subjective.

-Joonie I see what you did with “I did my part today!”😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 As the leader, you did well. Lol 👍

-THE GREAT PERILLA DEBATE. I think it is good that it brings debate. I feel that more so it is controversial because it challenges everyone with the concept of what is a boundary? Do you have a boundary? Can you voice your boundaries? Do you feel okay or uncomfortable with certain things enough, truly? Do you let things go because of what others think, or is it really a personal choice? Jungkook won me with “No.” I like that he voices clearly what is not okay with him  and did not back down even if it seemed odd to others. That is the point of how you assert what you feel. Some may question your boundaries, but will stick to them? I know that it seems cute the way he was just saying no, but I was glad to hear him say what bothers him because that is something to consider with others in all seriousness. I know we can all easily say that it doesn’t matter, but imagine it is someone you feel really deeply connected with and that feeling hits different when in that situation and would you really like them doing that? It is just a question, but it got me thinking and if someone told me that they didn’t want me peeling the perilla leaf for someone, I would not do it, so as long as my boundaries get heard too.  A perilla leaf peel may mean nothing to me, but if someone I love feels uncomfortable with that, I am not going to go and disrespect how they feel if they also listen to my boundaries. If it is mutual, I am cool abiding by it. Lol I know that trust plays a big part, but you can trust someone and still not like certain things and you just have to voice it. Compromise has to happen one way or another. But, just to mess around I would probably say, “I may help them peel this perilla leaf with these hands, but the hand I am walking away with tonight and many other nights is always yours. You have nothing to worry about.😉” lol Also, Joonie, I also don’t like shrimp.

-Jin quote I loved: “I just lost a little faith in humanity.” This is me every day because I am cynical. Lol I have never heard Jin say anything like this and I think it says a lot because he is just so hopeful and cheery but then he went and said this. It took perilla leaves to make Jin question people. I am crying.🤣🤣🤣🤣 You know you are a great cook once the food starts to make you question life.

-When Jin pulled the WORLD PEACE CARD: “I will just peel everyone’s food.”😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Jin is life. 😌haha

-Yoongi I can’t peel a shrimp because my thalassophobia extends to even touching sea creatures and it freaks me out. I would have to have someone peel shrimp for me if they want me to eat it😅 I really don’t deserve to eat shrimp and I don’t eat it anyways. -__- lol

-Jimin and the chair a never ending story. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    I must lastly talk about Yoongi’s mini live haha Yoongi, I like how in your live you said that you did it because if you did later it would not be relevant and here I am always late to the party.😂😂🤣 I will just say a couple things and try not to over do it.

-The “looking so fine today” by ARMY was very cute.☺️ I think it’s funny that every time you get complimented on vlive you always say that you had a schedule. Lol

-exam season is amongst us and I saw that for many ARMY it has ended handsome are still finishing up a couple things. I also saw that some are graduating, some got into the programs they wanted to get into, some decided to go a different route and stop school and I just want to congratulate them because even having the strength to do any of those things takes a lot of courage to do for yourself and I wish the best! Keep going. 😇

-I love how at times you have personal favorite tracks and songs you work on and you introduce them for Bangtan or other artists but they get turned down, only for you to later use them for yourself and it is lit. Haha Rejection is always redirection and I love that you just strengthen that more by using them for yourself. 😊

-I am happy to hear that you are getting back into instruments over time. I am glad that although your shoulder may feel weird during certain types of overextension it at least is healed and put in place. 💪You inspired me to make a video yesterday, I got a video of some behind the scenes from doing stuff in my mini studio and I brought my piano out and  I show what I remember with it along with some light humor. Lol Don’t mind my eye contacts. My eyes look so red and purple but looking back at past Bangtan tracks, I went to one track I will always love and I talk about it over there. Hehe Your Jenn is using the piano for a bit. It isn’t much just a small thing because I don’t remember much or know much about the piano after so long. Muahahaha

-With Gangnam style, it was the song that introduced me to the one and only Kim HyunA. I saw her in the video and I didn’t know much about her then because in my high school people heard it a lot because it was trending and I saw the music video before I got into Bangtan and HyunA stood out to me only for me to see her in 4MINUTE and then later her solos and I thought I was hallucinating when I saw her and I was like trying to put two and two together and turn out I was not hallucinating. Lol PSY gave me HyunA and I am thankful lol 😂😂😂😂

-When you said “I get embarrassed” I was like “CUTE”😊It just made my heart so warm.

-I agree with PSY leaving his fingerprints in music he makes. I noticed that he touched certain tracks from Jessi and HyunA just by listening to their title tracks from their comebacks with P-NATION. It is like PSY has a good way of leaving his own personal signature with collaborations and artists he works with and it works well. I didn’t even know that he wrote lyrics for certain tracks until I looked it up and I was right and it is just cool. I think when you can leave your signature like that to the point where people just know it is you without having to even voice out your part in it, is like the biggest flex and compliment as a writer and producer of your own work. 😎PSY does it well.

-I read about the Hyundai Grandeur being the same just with different tints but it was even pointed out that the custom wheels are identical. I think it is nice that PSY kind of added elements of AGUST D and Bangtan with his own twist and personal touch because you said that it was also located where Bangtan was filming PTD. PSY has deep respect for y’all and you can tell just like y’all have for him. I dig it. I still remember when Taehyung danced to DADDY!!!!! LOL That moment never escapes my mind. I remember seeing that so much.😂😂😂😂😂

-Sleep early and wake up early. Lol Yoongi you have the mindset of a CEO and entrepreneur lol I say it because it is a meme I see and so many people say to do that to create discipline as well. 😂😂😂😂 But, it is true. I think people detest waking up early because all their life they went and woke up early to go to school or a job they didn’t like going to and they always related to waking up early to that and it can be hard to break that and turn it into something different. I use to be like that and I hated waking up early until I started to train in the mornings in the past and I got into seeing waking up early as getting things done earlier and having more time for myself than just rushing it near the end of the day. While I don’t run in the mornings and I do in the late evenings, I wake up early to put my lofi jazz on, make my bed,  wash my face, brush my teeth,  and get to making my turkey bacon bruschetta and it feels amazing. Haha I know I can conquer my day if I am capable of getting at least these things done. I agree with your point. 🙌

   Thank you for doing a live Yoongi. 😭 And thank you for sharing your thoughts on many controversial debates, Bangtan. Lol I just would like to also let everyone know that for the record, please don’t take anything I said about my past experiences, personally. Lol I don’t hate people for doing certain things, I just wish they can just like do better just like I am also trying to do. Plus, these stories are from my side of the story and it was just personal to me because people annoyed me or irritated me at that time, but I learned that when it comes to these things we all have to learn to voice what we can and cannot do, what we don’t like, what we expect, and what we are willing to compromise with.  I think it was cool that the BTS CREW thought of this idea and like ARMY said, it really feels like RUN BTS Lol I hope y’all can also find something to laugh at here or relate to. Also, I am so late but y’all RUN BTS! HAS A FREAKING IMDB RATING!!!!! WHATTTTTT!!! IT IS 9.6/10!!!! That’s more than most films can say they got lol let alone other shows!!! That’s insane😭😭😭 For an ARMY who has been with Bangtan for awhile, I really am getting late to things. Haha I got a couple videos on the blog again and I finally found out how to fix the upside down glitch but now they post as if I flipped the video and the words on my clothes are backwards lol Well, please take care and I have a long weekend ahead of me. I will explain next week, but I got some things I will go experience and I will share. YESSSS!!!! I feel like not going out to do them, but I need to live a little and let me see how I do.😎💪 Have a safe weekend and Jin, I am glad your finger is doing well! I had to say that. Hehe Eat well y’all!!!! And please don’t forget to give yourself some love. The energy is a little heavy these days, but nothing to fear, just give yourself some time and rest, okay? 👍💜 I will come back. Bye bye!!!! I love you.

With my heart 💖,

-Your Jenn Jenn ✌️🐰✌️🌼

[forsworned]

[♥] collegeau! to date or not to date {rengoku kyoujurou x reader}

Genre: Comedy, Slight Fluff, Slight Sensual Themes

Categories: F/M

Relationships: Renguko Kyoujorou/Reader

Word count: 2,791

a/n: continuation of unintentionally roomates which you can find here ,,requests are open

➽────────────── ────────────── ──────────── ❥ 

It had been some weeks since she had gotten used to Kyoujurou being her roommate. So far neither of them had walked in on each other naked--yet. He was pretty tidy and would call her out in a teasingly kind of way that she'd sleep with her mouth wide open which made her pretty insecure, but he insisted it was "very cute." Which didn't make it any better. He could concur that it probably wasn't a good idea to show her the picture he had taken of her (he actually would look at it when he was having a bad day or he just wanted a good laugh; he also nearly made it his homescreen but decided that was maybe a little too far).

Mid-terms would be coming up soon and Kyoujurou wanted to do something fun before all the stress would settle in from piles of homework assignments and study guides. He suggested that the both of them should go to the amusement park and [name] was more than delighted to go, but there was a small issue with this. She didn't know if it was a date or just them simply hanging out. He just brought it up so casually when they had just finished a round of Super Smash Bros. and [name] was trying her hardest not to be a flustered mess about it.

"Just ask him." Shinobu's usual singsong voice was now monotonous. She had had enough of [name]'s shit to say the least. Always inquiring about Kyoujurou since Shinobu and him had been in the same graduating high school class and friend group. Not to mention mid terms were coming up and pre-med was no joke.

[Name] visibly sulked at her friend's tone. She didn't like being a nuisance to Shinobu, even though it wasn't hard to irate her nerves, but this time she seriously needed help and Shinobu was being nothing less than unpleasant.

"Shinobuuuu," [Name] whined. "This is a big deal for me. Please give me advice and I won't bring it up ever again."

The ravenette's eyes darted to the [h/c] pleading gaze, and it was enough to make to [name] squeak. Shinobu let out a sigh before speaking.

"Fine," [name]'s expression brightened, but Shinobu's finger pressing into her forehead made it falter a little. "but you don't need to stop talking about him. Just do it a lot less. I need to focus on exams."

[Name] cheered in triumph and fist pumped into the air, which in turn made Shinobu laugh. She wanted to be there for [name] in anyway she could, just within some restrictions and limitations. Shinobu's face suddenly went gravely serious.

"So here's the game plan."

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°

[Name] took a deep breath before looking at her reflection. Her outfit was subtle yet cute. A simple blue top and beige skort to prevent panty reveals yet still have the illusion of wearing a skirt. Hair was pinned and pulled back abover her neckline since the sun would be beating down and she wanted to take every precaution to avoid any excessive sweating. Make up was light to circumvent it from melting off her face. Yes, [name] was over meticulous because she was resolute in this hang out/date to be absolutely perfect. And if Kyoujurou had decided to reject her than at least she'd look hot getting her heartbroken.

He had already left over an hour ago since he had to tutor a student in history at the tutoring center. A work study job that he picked up to help cover his tuition and endlessly spoke about when he got back to his dorm when you two were winding down from your day.

[Name] spritzed her best perfume to all her pulse points to extend the life of her scent as it hit her body. She threw it in her bag along with her make up just in case she needed to freshen up. One last look in the mirror and she was finally off to her date, er, hang-out thingy.

The autumn air was irregularly warm and humid. Well, not irregular for Okinawa at least. It was a sub tropical climate which meant mild winters and the moist summers were what [name] favored most about it here.

As she walked out of the dormitory and into the student parking lot, she was nearly blinded by the blond tresses sitting on the bench. Like quite, literally blinded. The sun was bouncing off his fiery hair more than usual and it was causing [name] to squint at him when she approached him. For some reason (she had an exact reason being that she looked super hot), [name] felt bold, and advanced toward Kyoujurou with hands concealing his vision. He visibly tensed and she couldn't help but feel a smile tug at her lips.

"Guess who."

His body now relaxing at the sound of her voice and she felt the apples of cheeks rise into a grin against the palm of her hands. "[name], you're finally here!"

She released her hands as he got up to face her and his jaw went a little aslack as he oggled at her profile. [Name] was stunning, indeed. His adam's apple bobbed up and down as he dryily swallowed. His hair that was now pulled back in a high ponytail let his bangs frame his face beautifully, swayed in the small gust momentarily. She could've sworn that he was blushing at her, but then again it was quite hot...

"You look--um, quite sharp!" He stammered. Kyoujurou mentally socked himself in the face. Sharp? That was the best he could come up with?

[Name]'s expression was now in a state of bemusement before she laughed melodically. To him it was a beautiful melody that he always tried to sway out of her with corny jokes and memes. "Well, thank you Kyoujurou. You look quite sharp, too!"

[Name] wanted to die. She looked sharp? Sharp?! No, she looked Hot! With a capital freaking "H".

Nonetheless, [name] shook it off. She was determined to make this flawless even if it was off to a rocky start. Thankfully the ride to the amusement car was starting to make up for it. The both of them jammed to the playlist they had put together earlier and discussed which rides they were excited about most.

"$50?!"

"You really don't read things thoroughly do you, [name]."

[Name] ignored his attempt at poking fun at her. It was always like this whenever she freakishly exclaimed about information that was news to her, but had been there for well however long the inital post had been there for and Kyoujurou had always made it a point to call her out for it.

"Well, I can't make you pay for it." She deadpanned. And she absolutely meant it. Kind of. Not really. It would mean that it would technically be a date, right? Right? A guy paying always meant that it was a date. [Name] mentally nodded at herself reassuring herself.

"Well, that's too bad." He inserted his card into the chip reader and thanked the attendant while grabbing his receipt.

[Name] bit back a smile as they walked side by side into the park. "Well, I'm going to pay you back."

He looked at her with an uncharacterstically sultry gaze. "No, you are not."

His voice demanding, dropped an octave and it sent a shiver up her spine. [Name] would be lying to herself if she said that it didn't make the her stomach knot up. Kyoujurou pulled out his phone pointed it towards her, trying to get a good angle and lighting.

"Now, give me a smile!" He beamed in his usual cheery tone. [Name] smiled posing her usual peace sign as he clicked away at his phone. Had she just imagined that?

The day seemed to slip past them as they took pictures with their phones and disposal camera they bought at the one of the stands for a whooping $25. Which was a total rip off, but then again bottled water was $5. The pair were laughing as they looked through the pictures they had taken throughout their trip.

"Oh, no. You are not keeping this one." She reached over to tap the trash can on his phone screen to get rid of the terrible photo that was her inhaling funnel cake. But before she could, Kyoujurou moved his screen away from her as he chuckled at [name] getting flustered. There was no way he'd let her get away with such a cute picture.

"I am definitely going to be framing this as soon as we get back." And that made [name]'s face inflame in embarrassment and shock. She was definitely, not going to let him do that.

"You delete that, right. Now!" She tried her best to extend her arms in every which way Kyoujurou was flexing his arms out but to avail. [Name] knew she wasn't going to get her hands on his phone, but she kept leaning over in an attempt to get an advantage on his long arms. That was until she clambered into his lap, face first into his crotch.

Kyoujurou froze and his breath hitched as he lowered his arm down and let unholy thoughts pass through his head but he quickly shook them off. "A-are you alright, [name]?"

Nope, now [name] was definitely going to die. She slowly rose out of his lap and plopped back into her seat, trying her best not to make the situation even more awkward. She shot him a smile in a strive to shake off the graceless action of diving face first into the crotch of her crush.

"I'm all good." She took a deep breath before looking up at the darkening sky. Kyoujurou couldn't tell what she was thinking, but it looked almost as if she was unfazed which he was very thankful for.

"Let's go on the ferris wheel before we leave!" That snapped him out of his thoughts. A grin now making its way back onto his face and a sound of approval emitted from his lips. "Let's do it!"

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°

[Name] snickered to herself as they entered the ferris wheel seating after letting several people ahead of them. It was all going according to plan, well, not the face planting into Kyoujurou’s lap. That was definitely not in the plan she and Shinobu had concocted.

“So, here the game plan.” Shinobu stated matter-o-factly. Her name were in a crouched position as if in a very important football team meeting. “You’re gonna look hot. Like I’m talking Jennifer’s Body hot. And then—“

”But i don’t have clothes like that.”

“Shut up. We’ll go shopping. And your make up has got to be perfect like I’m talking no melting off your face looking like the Corpse Bride. Oh, and you’re drowning yourself in sexy perfume every thirty minutes.”

”But I—“

”Speak out of line one more time and I’ll kick your ass.”

“Fine.”

“Back to what I was saying. You’re gonna take loads of pics start it off friendly and lighthearted and then bam! You get him on that ferris wheel and get your flirt on. End the night off with a kiss at the top of the ferris wheel.”

Shinobu was extremely gifted in giving pep talks and revving them up. Which was probably why she was captain of the cheer team at their university.

[Name] felt like she was a crazy high. She could practically run four miles nonstop with the attitude she had in that moment.

Shinobu and her high fived, one leg kicked up in to the air with the most triumphant looks on their faces. “We got this!”

She shook her head as if to shake away the thought.

”You, ok?”

She smiled at the slightly dampened Kyoujorou who’s cheek were tinted pink from the heat. Beads of sweat has slid down his temples, but that only seemed to add to his sex appeal.

”More than ok. I love ferris wheels. They’re so romantic.”

Those words left her lips and turned in a smile that was as sweet as candy. Kyoujurou’s heart leapt in his chest as he eyed her intently.

”You could say that.”

He done fucked up again. Kyoujurou wanted to kick his own ass at this point. Why was he so terrible at flirting? It made him look like he didn’t pick up any social cues at all. Which wasn’t entirely untrue. There were many times where Tengen would point out that a girl was being extremely flirtatious with him but it would simply go over his head. He would usually reject the notion claiming they were just being nice which in turn would lead to Tengen face palming. And he thought he was doing such a good job at the start.

The silence was deafening as they reached the top of the ride and it suddenly came to a jerking stop. The view was wondrous. The sun kissed at their faces and grazed the tops of trees and the peaks of roller coaster rides. Brightly colored lights flashed simultaneously down below, but [Name]’s  stomach felt like it was caving in the longer she stared. Very romantic, indeed.

Her face must’ve looked a little green because Kyoujurou’s expression turned into a worried one. “You sure you’re okay, [name]? Have some water.”

She grabbed the bottle he handed to her and instead of water falling like she usually did, she pressed her lips against the same place his had been. Kyoujurou’s eyes widened in surprise as she absentmindedly guzzled his drink down and gave it back to him. His hands turning into fists as he flexed as hard he could to keep the warmth that was rising away from that region.

“Thanks.” She gasped. [Name] wiped her mouth with the back of her hand as she leaned back against the seat. So much for her game plan. She sighed to herself as she collected her thoughts. What difference would it make if she just told him right now.

”Kyoujurou.” The name left her lips so effortlessly. He loved the way she said his name. He would think about it mostly in the shower, but more innocently before he went to sleep.

He raised his eyebrows fully attentive now. She turned to face him as she leaned forward. A different look on her face. Soft and flustered. “I like you, a lot.”

His body stiffened for a moment and a cool breeze swooped past their longing gazes. The sudden realization had dawned upon him that those words weren’t just make believe. She had really uttered them into existence. He hadn’t noticed how close her lips were to his until he felt her minty breath fan against his nose. He didn’t pull away.

[Name] closed the distance between their lips and Kyoujurou instinctively leaned in more as soon as they made contact. His hand cupped her cheek to deepen the kiss and she sighed in delight. A smile now etched on her face had now infected him and he pulled away to look at her. He caressed her cheek as she giggled and he gazed her puzzled.

”Did I do something wrong?” If he kissed her wrong he definitely wanted to know. One thing about Kyoujurou was that he was always open to constructive criticism. She shook her head. The content look on her face still evident.

”Not at all.” She leaned in once more. “I just didn’t expect you to be so frigid.”

She giggled again at his surprised, yet embarrassed mien. However, [name] stopped giggling when she saw the determined look on his face.

”Well, I can do better.” He suddenly captured her lips and she instantly melted at his hot touch. His hand loosely on her waist and she moaned a bit as their kisses turn into feverish open mouthed ones. His lips detached from hers as he felt the the ride coming back down. [Name] felt like her whole body was in flames and there Kyoujurou was sitting there as cool as a cucumber.

The ride shifted the shuttle as the two got up and his hands slipped in hers as he lead them out. She couldn’t believe  the stunt he just pulled. Her fingers on her lips still feeling the ghost of his. He laughed heartily at her reddened face and that captured her attention.

”Don’t worry. We can continue that when we get back.”

[Name] was speechless, but somehow was even more flushed than before. Kyoujurou chuckled at her again as he pulled her in for a side hug as they headed back to his car. The smug look never left his face.

[shreddedparchment]

A Wife for Thor Pt.16

No One

02/04/2021

Pairing: King!Thor x Reader          Word Count: 5,025

Warnings: angst, jealousy, crying, infertility, talk of pregnancy, trouble conceiving, smut, LOTS of fluff

A/N: I’m sorry this one took me a bit to get out. I know y’all tell me not to be sorry but I am still sorry lol I stopped taking my endo meds since I can no longer afford them with no healthcare, I got my period and my endo said FUCK YOU! I was in bed for the entirety of my period with no energy to do anything but lay there and do nothing. Anywho, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I’ve been excited to get to this chapter and I hope it’s worth the wait. Thank you for any comments or reblogs! xoxo

Thor has never been so eager to get back to New Asgard. Even back in the beginning when Jane had been living with him in those first small houses that they’d built when his new Kingdom was nothing but a distant dream.

Even then, this sensation of yearning had not been so strong.

Every moment away from you has been unbearable. The detour he’d taken after just arriving only increased his desire because if seeing Jane has shown him anything it’s that he has indeed made the right choice.

He really hadn’t doubted it, but it’s nice to know that even with Jane standing inches away from him, his heart had not pounded. His breath had not caught. His fingers had not tingled as they once had in their wish to touch.

Her brown eyes, once beyond beautiful, are indeed still pretty. However, they aren’t yours. Yours that look at him with an innocent admiration. Love pours from them so freely. Eagerly.

You’re not afraid to show him how you feel and it takes his breath away how much you’ve given into loving him.

All he can do is try to return your love with the same fervor. So far he thinks he has been doing the job well.

As he struts forward towards your shared bedroom, he reaches into his cloak, down along his left hip to unhook a small leather satchel bulging with its contents.

Smiling down at what he hopes will be a welcome and pleasing gesture, he makes to open the doors to the room but finds them thrust out towards him.

Instinctively his hand twitches around the satchel, almost throwing his palm out to call his remade hammer, but he resists.

From his bedroom spill two beings. One Asgardian, one human. The doors swing shut behind them.

“Doctor Wilson? Alric?” Thor teeters back onto his right foot, completely surprised to see them. “What brings-?”

Both of them look grave and Thor’s heart hits the pit of his stomach. All of the strength in the universe leaves him in one terrifying instant.

“Is Y/N alright? Is she hurt? Injured? Has something happened?”

In his panic he begins to push through them and they move aside for him but before he can open the doors to get in to see you, Alric reaches out to place his hand on Thor’s shoulder.

“Just our monthly visit, nothing to fret about Your Majesty,” Alric assures him and yet, Thor’s squirming nerves are not put at ease. “Unfortunately things do not look well for an heir as of now.”

“They don’t exactly look bad either, Alric,” Doctor Wilson interjects. “We’re in uncharted territory, Your Majesty. We have to play this as it comes at us. I’m sure with Alric’s help we’ll find a way to make it work.”

Their words at the moment aren’t making any sense to Thor. All he wants is to see you.

“Right…” he says on reflex, but his voice is weak.

His mind on you and only you.

“She is a little melancholy after our news so, perhaps it’s best we let you go see her. Until next month, Your Majesty,” Doctor Wilson gives him a curtsy. “If you need us before then, you have our numbers.”

Alric gives Thor a bow and the two of them march off, Alric lugging a strange metal case along with him.

With nothing to hold him back now, Thor pulls the doors open and hurries inside.

He scans the room from the left to the right, expecting you in the bathroom but you aren’t there. Several of the doors to the balcony are open letting in a much warmer breeze than this morning but still very cool.

Thor finally spots you sitting at your vanity, your hand pressed to the inside of your elbow as you hold a small cotton ball against the point at which one of your doctors probably drew some blood.

Even that tiny sting of a needle piercing your beautiful skin makes his heart ache. Any pain you feel is his own and he can’t believe he forgot what today was.

“Cherub?”

You don’t look at him and instead keep your hand pressed tightly, fingers moving in slow and small circles.

He can’t see your face from here. You’re turned away, sitting with your gaze trained on the balcony doors closest to your vanity.

Thor can’t take you not looking at him. He sets his satchel on the chaise at the end of the bed and when he reaches your left side, he squats down so that he can look up at you, his right hand taking gentle hold under your left bicep. His left hand he places over your right one, pressed against the inside of your left elbow.

“I’m sorry about today. I forgot they were coming for your tests,” Thor confesses, feeling so guilty he could leap from the balcony and welcome the pain of any bones he might break.

The silence is heavy and he thinks he might really be in for it and opens his mouth to plead for your forgiveness when you give him relief, “So did I.”

He breathes in deeply and with a wave of relief releases his worries in a gust of air.

“Alric said that things did not look good. You’re not with child?”

Even though he knows, he still needs to hear you say it. He wants to know what you’re thinking to make whatever is making your face look so sad go away.

He takes his right hand and runs it along your lower back instead, rubbing in what he hopes is a soothing way.

Finally, you turn your head towards your vanity and he can see more of your heartbreaking expression. He hasn’t seen that loss of hope in your beautiful face since the night you begged him not to make a fool of you just before dinner on a night that feels a lifetime away.

“No, it-it wasn’t a no. The test was inconclusive.”

“Inconclusive? So, what does that mean? Does that mean they don’t know?” Thor asks, confusion twisting his handsome face.

“No, it just means that the test didn’t come back in any way that they could read it. We’re not exactly the same species even if we are compatible physically, we don’t know if we can even get pregnant. They took more of my blood and are going to do the test with more reliable equipment.

“They’ll call when they know something,” you sigh heavily, leaning back against your seat and trapping his hand between it and your body.

Thor tries to think of what he can say to make you feel better. What can he do?

And then what he has to say doesn’t matter as you turn to meet his gaze with your own full of betrayal and suspicion.

When your mouth parts, your words freeze him and his brain short circuits.

“I saw you with Jane earlier on the tower, Thor. I’m sorry but I-I thought you were going to come find me as soon as you got back, not your ex.”

You take a deep breath and Thor watches as your nerves spill forward, your lips trembling as you slowly exhale and all of your fears shine out through the depths of your eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Why are you crying, cherub?” Thor gushes, pulling his hand from your back to turn your seat to face him.

He cups both sides of your face, his large thumbs wiping away at the tears that spring forward.

It had seriously messed with you to see him and Jane so happy and close earlier. And then the tests and Doctor Alric and Doctor Wilson had no idea what was wrong with them so that was stressing you out.

All of your jealousy and frustration pours out of you suddenly. So fast and so unrelenting that with just this small bit of affection from Thor makes you shut your eyes tight as you sob two-three times.

“Y/N...no, my love, please. Don’t cry,” Thor begs, his own throat tight as he pulls you towards him.

You let him hold you because as insecure as you feel, as upset as this morning has made you, his love still feels real. The softness in his voice doesn’t sound fake and as much as he is the source of one of the aches in your chest, he’s your comfort now too.

How fucked up is that?!

He caresses the back of your head as you bury it against his shoulder, slumped down a little because of how low he is in his squat.

His other arm is wrapped all the way around you, firm. Possessive and eager to make you feel better. Can you trust this display?

Until this morning you had no reason to doubt it.

“We will have our baby soon, I know it. I can feel it. I’m not only the God of Thunder, you know? Trust me, cherub. I know these things. We’ll have our little one before you know it.”

He sounds so confident, so sure. He’s lost that tightness in his throat a little and he pushes you back so that he can look into your eyes, quickly wiping away at the saltwater stains on your cheeks.

“As for your former worry, I went to the tower because the lights were on. I wasn’t sure who was there so I simply went to check. I wasn’t expecting Jane out of all the people it could have possibly been.

“I’d hoped it was you, finally making use of the tower for your own office to write or perhaps your own personal library?” Thor’s instincts on what you might want a private space to be.

You suddenly feel foolish for doubting him for even a second. It makes you cry again, and you bury your face in your hands.

“No, my love, please don’t cry anymore,” he continues to beg. “Look, I’ve brought you a gift.”

He gets up suddenly and moves towards the package he’d been carrying when he came in. It wasn’t large. About the size of a shoebox.

“I thought of you when I was passing over Paris on my way home. You can eat them all at once or slowly, whichever you prefer,” He flips open the leather satchel and from inside pulls a thick and shiny rust colored box with a satin brown ribbon that delicately holds it closed.

It looks expensive and he doesn’t wait for you to take it since you’re too busy wiping at your cheeks and sniffling to grab it. He pushes the ribbon off of the box then removes the lid and places it underneath while tossing the ribbon onto your vanity.

“I’m not sure what each of them is, but you don’t have to eat the ones you don’t like. I’ll eat them for you,” he pushes fancy gold tissue paper aside to expose the contents within.

Inside the box is a tray of twenty-four chocolate pieces. Some of them have designs painted on them with what is more likely more chocolate in bright colors and patterns. Other pieces look to be decorated in plain chocolate with small embossed hearts, triangles, or teeny tiny bows.

The box is too thick for this to be all there is, so you’re pretty sure there are two trays of chocolates.

“Do you like them?” Thor checks, his voice light and rising at the end gently almost as if he’s talking to a small child which maybe should offend you?

But it doesn’t because you know that’s not what he means by the tone he’s using. He’s being as gentle with you as he can in your moment of sad anxiety and you love him so much for it.

“They’re so pretty…” you hiccup, wishing you weren’t so emotional and crying all over his lovely gift.

“That’s not all,” he tells you, putting the chocolates on your vanity to free up his hands to reach into his satchel again.

You quickly cover the chocolates, pushing the ribbon around the sleek container before they can be ruined.

Thor tosses the satchel onto the chaise with a flick of his wrist but draws your attention to him when he places another box on your lap. This one is much smaller, but wide and square.

“Happy two months of marriage, cherub,” Thor says softly, then carefully lifts the lid of his second gift.

Nestled within lush purple velvet is a beautiful platinum chain, thin, short so that the gorgeous lotus flower with your birthstone gem settled at its very center will sit just below your collarbone.

“It’s so beautiful, Thor.”

All of a sudden you’re crying again.

Thor smiles and rises again, taking the necklace from inside the box which he tosses onto the chaise too before moving around behind you to slip the necklace around your neck.

You reach up to place your fingers on the pretty flower, sniffling and trying not to make your crying too vocal but a sob or two slips out.

Thor moves back around you and takes a long look at your mess of a face before he takes your hand and pulls you to your feet, “Come here, love.”

He waits for you to stand then takes your spot on your seat but then leads you down onto his lap.

Reaching up with his hand, he gives the back of your neck a squeeze while his other hand finds a resting spot on your thigh.

“Is it Jane still upsetting you?” he guesses.

You nod, unwilling to say it aloud.

“Why? What exactly is it that’s troubling you?”

He genuinely doesn’t seem to understand. While he might understand your nerves about her, the reason you’re still crying is lost on him.

You don’t want to say, but Thor bounces you a little in his lap, taking his hand to caress the side of your face and hold your gaze.

“Nothing you can say will make me love you any less.” A promise.

“When I saw you two this morning, you just looked so h-happy,” your lip quivers. “You looked happy. Pleased. You were smiling that one smile that’s only supposed to be mine.”

For some reason Thor’s chest puffs up a little, a proud fix to his chin as he reaches up to grab yours and give your head a little shake.

“It is all yours, cherub. I am completely yours. I was so happy when I was with Jane this morning because I felt nothing of what I’d once felt for her. I had no stuttering in my heart, no butterflies in my belly. I wasn’t taken by her eyes or tempted by her lips.”

“Alright, I get the picture,” you grumble, hating everything he’s describing even though you know he’s telling you that he wasn’t feeling any of it.

He chuckles, bringing his hand down to rest on your hip.

“I was happy because Jane is no longer the source of all of that for me. You are. All meeting her so unexpectedly proved is that I am more in love with you than I ever thought I could be. You were my arranged match. The most I had ever expected was friendship. And when that turned into more, I wondered if it could really be more than what I ever felt for Jane and it is.

“Jane was always a dear love but you are family. It’s only been a short time since we married but you are more my love than Jane ever was. You’re my cherub!”

He doesn’t wait for you to recover from his little speech. He hooks his hand behind your neck and pulls you down for a kiss.

It quickly changes and shifts and the lonely night you’d spent tense and worried, missing him, explodes you onto him. You’re both a frenzy of movement, Thor ripping away at his armor until he’s in the plain dark undershirt and a very small pair of black briefs.

You’re about to push him onto your bed when he suddenly grabs you and tosses you around his massive body and onto the bed to bounce as you land with a gasp.

He shoves his briefs down, still kicking them away as he steps towards you and gathers the long skirts of your dress higher and higher around your hips.

“Thor…” you whisper, a gasp of anticipation which drives him a little wild as he yanks you closer to the edge of the bed and thrusts into you with a shaky groan.

He goes still for a moment, hooking his hands around your thighs more securely. He bottoms out, sheathing his cock within you until you reach down to scratch at the bottom of his shirt then his hands as you fall back against the bed.

“Please,” you plead and he quickly obliges.

He pumps into you, filling you to the brim with no intention of ever stopping.

~~~~~~~~~~

You and Thor eventually come out of your room. You dressed in your carefully chosen dress and Thor a little less regal in a pair of crisp dark jeans, and layered up in a green sweater over a blue button up collar shirt over a plain white t-shirt.

Honestly though, even in his slightly more casual ensemble, Thor screams royalty. He’s so beautiful.

Both of you giggling like giddy kids, he pulls you closer and loops your arm through his.

It makes you happy that he likes you close by. He proves it now as he leans down to whisper so that only you can hear him as the palace staff moves about cleaning and fixing up the rooms that have been used throughout the day.

“I’m a little glad you’ve decided not to use the tower for a workspace.” Thor confesses.

“How come?” you wonder, turning your face to look at him, genuinely curious as to the change of mind. He’d been so insistent before about you having your own personal space to work in peace where no one could bother you and you didn’t have to give up writing your stories even if you were now Queen of New Asgard.

“I don’t know if I could stand having you that far away from me. Our night apart has only driven that home for me. I want you always at my side.”

His sentiment is sweet and you stop to turn and face him, reaching up to place your hands on his bearded cheeks to smoosh them because he’s so damn adorable. He’s massive so you have to push yourself up, lifting your heels a little to do so comfortably.

“Do you have any idea how incredibly lovable that makes you?” you ask.

He smiles despite you morphing his face, beaming down at you with a look that must mean he loves you. Everything he says has to be true. The more you think about it, the more you realize that your jealousy, while founded, doesn’t make any sense now that you’re married.

Not after everything the two of you have shared and been through. Not after all the time you’ve spent building this foundation with him. 

“Quite a lot more than I was before?” he guesses. “Only, maybe not when I go to the bathroom?”

Through your smile you tilt your head to the side a little, confused by his amendment to his desires.

“Why?” What difference does it make?

He drops his voice to a whisper and leans down a little closer to you, “Sometimes I have smelly poops.”

You’re not expecting that and throw your head back as a loud unfiltered laugh rips through you. The movement pulls you down flat onto your feet but Thor catches you with one arm around your waist to pull you back up onto your toes and against his hard body.

He’s laughing too as he dips down and kisses your laughing mouth, silencing you a little so that it’s only air slipping through your lips as you kiss him back.

It’s just a long held peck. He’s relishing in the feel of your lips against his as your body shakes with more laughter.

Still laughing with you, Thor pulls back and gripes, “Stop laughing and kiss me!”

You drop your head against his chest as you keep laughing, unable to help it because the cuteness of him being self-conscious about his smelly poops is too much for you to handle.

Especially considering that you’ve both already been in the bathroom together when the other is using the toilet.

He loosens his arm around your waist so that you fall down a little further but keeps his hand resting on the small of your back while the other hand he places on the back of your head, caressing it as you chuckle weakly from laughing so much.

The sound of a clearing throat brings both your heads turning to the end of the hallway.

Your visiting trio stand there, Tony smirking, Bruce smiling shyly, Jane averts her eyes.

“Uh, get a room?” Tony suggests, but you can tell from his tone that he’s only teasing.

“Where do you think we’ve been all morning?” Thor grins, readjusting with you to hook your arm on his elbow before leading you towards your guests.

“So that’s what those screams were,” Tony counters.

Thor wiggles his eyebrows at them but your neck burns and your mouth pops open in surprise and embarrassment.

You start to fret, hands fluttering up towards your new necklace as you look from Tony to Jane, who’s looking at her shoes, to Bruce who is smiling with his own laughter in his eyes.

“Was I-? I didn’t mean to-! Thor, I didn’t know that I was being-” your panic is real and your heart is thrumming a million miles an hour.

“He’s teasing you, cherub, don’t worry,” Thor assures you, dropping your arm from his elbow to wrap his own arm around your waist to pull you into his side again.

You turn to Tony and he’s laughing a little. Not maliciously, just purely entertained by your reaction.

“I-a joke?” you ask him, still uncertain.

“Sorry,” Tony says, nodding. “Just a joke.”

You swallow hard, trying to settle your heartbeat.

Thor kisses your head and like a switch is flipped, all of them shift into work mode.

“Have you started installing the security system?” Thor asks Tony and all together the five of you move down into the lowest level of the palace which actually happens to be a dungeon?

You’re not really listening to their conversation as you move with them, still flustered about you possibly letting all of your sex noises reverberate through the halls of the palace for everyone to hear, but when you reach a large vault-like door, you start to focus again.

As the heavy door slides open like part of some futuristic spaceship, you’re thrown into a large room about the size of the throne room where you’d had your wedding reception only it looks nothing like the rest of the palace.

This place looks more like the Avengers compound. High-tech stations line the walls, large monitors with readings you don’t understand and camera footage from places you recognize from around New Asgard and the palace itself.

There’s a full crew working all of the stations, Asgardians and humans, all of them wearing the same charcoal gray uniforms, splashes of gold and red like Thor’s cape on their shoulders and chests.

As you and Thor enter, they stop what they’re doing to stand at attention, bowing to both of you as Thor leads you to the center of the room where a large stone table is set with schematics of plans that you don’t understand.

Tony moves over to them and starts to sift through the many scrolls all laid out for viewing while Thor nods to the crew.

“At ease, my friends.”

He’s so nice. The crew fall back into their respective jobs.

One of them moves towards a large screen against the wall, a TV you realize, playing different news footage from all over the world.

He flips to another channel and you pull away from Thor to walk and stand beside the crewman who stands taller once you’re beside him.

He turns to you and gives you a quick bow, “Your Majesty.”

Turning to him, you smile and then look back at the screen, “To monitor any weird things happening around Earth?”

“Yes, m’am,” he asserts then flips the channel again.

This time it’s a documentary style report, you see a familiar scene. New York in shambles as Iron Man, Hawkeye, Black Widow, the Hulk, Captain America, and your Thor fight off the invading Chitauri.

Slowly another body settles beside you, its warmth drawing your attention to it.

“I still remember that day, sort of,” Bruce says gently, his voice always so easy and calm.

It’s hard to believe he can turn into the giant Hulk in seconds.

“Was it scary?”

“Sort of. I think for me, I was just worried that Hulk would hurt someone other than the aliens. But by then I think he understood what side we were on.” Bruce nods.

“But, aren’t you the Hulk?” His words confuse you a little.

“Well, yeah, but also no. He’s like another half of me? If that makes sense? I haven’t worked out how to combine both sides yet. I’m there, I’m just...it’s like someone takes who you are and reduces you to your most basic instincts.

“We’re almost like two different people but we’re also the same person. I’m working on understanding our connection better. Underneath the Hulk, I’m still me. I’m still there I think. I’m just trapped for some reason.”

The two of you watch the screen in silence for a moment then Thor shows up, blasting the Chitauri with his lightning. He looks a little different because he has both eyes and his hair!

“Thor had long hair,” you realize, gushing a little.

“Did I look better with long hair?” his deep voice slips into your right ear and you jump not having been expecting it.

“Not better,” you promise him, smiling at him before turning your eyes back on the TV. “Just different. It suits you.”

“Should I grow it back?”

With excitement, you turn to face him and he chuckles at whatever look you have in your eyes, “Would you? Wouldn’t it bother you?”

“If it will make you look at me the way you’ve been staring at me on that television, I will go out and buy a wig.”

You laugh and Thor leans down to give you a quick peck.

“It’s that time of year I guess,” Tony says, sliding over to stand on Bruce’s other side where Jane is already standing having moved over at some point.

She still hasn’t said anything.

“What time of year?” You wonder.

“Oh, in Spring they always start to play footage on some of the news channels about Loki’s party days in New York. Some type of anniversary celebration or something? Only it’s more like a wake.”

“It’s a memorium,” you realize, then look at Thor who seems to sense your upset.

He wraps his arm around you and settles in beside you, kissing the top of your head again.

“Where is Loki?” you ask him, frowning with worry and wondering if it must upset him to have one of his biggest mistakes thrown in his face for weeks.

“He’s tending to business with the guard. He’ll come find us when he’s finished,” Thor promises.

After a tense moment, Tony claps his hands and then pats Bruce’s shoulder, “Shall we? Pepper wants me home by Friday so that we can explore the wonderful art of tantric massage.”

As Bruce turns to follow Tony back to the center table where a new console computer has come from a panel at the center you hadn’t noticed, he gives him a skeptical look.

“Pepper? Are you sure it isn’t you pushing the tantric massage?” Bruce sounds like he already knows the answer.

Tony shrugs, “I’m not the bossy anymore.”

You look back at the TV, your worry only spiking at the thought of Loki coming down here and finding all of you watching.

“Change it to something else,” you tell the crewman. “Make sure no one puts it on that channel again.”

“Yes, m’am,” he bows his head in obedience and quickly changes the channel while moving to a small box hooked up to it where a small screen comes out and he quickly goes about pressing buttons hopefully blocking any and all sources of that footage so that Loki doesn’t accidentally have his face shoved into his past.

“Don’t worry, my cherub. Loki is well aware of what the Earth grieves at this time of year. He won’t be blindsided by it.”

“I still don’t like it,” you insist, unable to shake the frown from your face.

“Thor?” Jane’s voice interrupts you both softly.

He looks at her and you give her a glance before turning to look at the news reports on the TV.

“I’m gonna need one of these mainframes for the telescope. Which one can I take?”

“Right,” Thor nods, “Of course. Let’s find you a place to work.”

Before he leaves you he leans in and kisses the side of your head again, squeezing your hip before he moves with Jane away towards the many workstations in the very large room.

After getting everything sorted out this morning, your heart doesn’t even sway towards jealousy and even though you’re worried about Loki, you breathe a sigh of relief that your realization about Thor’s loyalty has really engrained itself into you.

He loves you and nothing will change that. Even as they laugh somewhere behind you, your confidence doesn’t waver.

You reach up and touch the lotus on your necklace, a shining reminder of Thor missing you on his very first night away from you since your wedding.

You’re sure now that no one will ever come between you and Thor.

No one.

[coeurdastronaute]

Nerd 14

Previously on Nerd

There weren’t many things considered as decorations in the house on the corner of Inglewood Street. The old stone house, with its black shutters and manicured lawn hid behind a stately oak and the polished Porsche in the driveway, glowed as a beacon in the neighborhood, of perfection and wealthy modesty. Inside, it was less populated than one might expect, never fully lived-in, at least not to the casual observer. 

Clarke moved her way down the stairs as she balanced the bag on her shoulder, fully prepared for work and then studying with her girlfriend on a fairly boring Saturday night. For the first time in a long time, she looked at the sparse frames of pictures of her family. 

Unsure of what made her pause, she furrowed, pushing her eyebrows tightly together and leaning into the image of her mother and father on a random date when they were together in college. They were carefree and at some bar trivia night. Abby hugged Jake’s bicep and nearly hid in his shoulder as he leaned forward, other arm lifted to interject an answer. He was smiling wide despite his eagerness, the flash ricocheting off part of his large glasses. His hair was floppy and fully, swept to the side and neatly arranged, while Abby was brimming with life. Clarke loved the candid picture because sometimes she looked at it, and these were two people who had entire lives and experiences and she forgot that. They probably got butterflies like she did when Lexa smiled at her. They probably spent hours excitedly waiting to see the other. 

In that picture, her mother wasn’t the person she was now, though both seemed insanely far away from Clarke. This college-aged person was alive, vibrant, in-love, awake, eager, and not cheating on her husband. The body language alone showed how much she adored him. 

In that picture, her father was the funny, charming man she remembered, not the angry, frustrated man who was skin and bones, who couldn’t eat, who couldn’t swallow, who had difficulties moving most days and remembering his own daughter others. He was alive as well. He was the man everyone wanted to sit beside for some reason, for som inexplicable reason he had this… he had a spark that drew those to him like a moth to a flame, except he was that flame, and he shared his light eagerly with those around him. 

Clarke relaxed her face after a few moments of looking and seeing and trying to find some kind of detail in that picture that would indicate that the couple in it would know what their life would like like two decades later. There wasn’t a single indication, and that terrified her. 

“Did you finish you math?” her mother’s voice called from the hallway, hearing her daughter shift and move to look at the next picture without seeing her first. 

“Yes.” 

The next image was a very tiny Clarke on her father’s shoulders and her mother hugging his waist as they all stood beneath a redwood tree. They had hiking gear, shorts, sunglasses, hats and sunscreen. They were all smiling. They were a family. 

“Did you email me that draft of your personal essay for applications?” 

Clarke gave up perusing, no longer feeling the yearn for that family unit that was far away. She rolled her eyes and stomped her way down the steps to find her mother sorting through envelopes and mail. 

“No.” 

“Why not?” Abby didn’t look up as she flipped.

“Because I’m a junior, and I have five months before applications are due.”

“That’s no excuse not to be prepared. Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time chasing after some gir--”

“Who am I chasing after?” Clarke scoffed, crossing her arms and peering at her mother. “Do you mean helping Lexa on her submission for film school? Do you mean tennis practice? Do you mean working part time? Do you mean having a social life?” 

“Considerate that you can help someone else get into college.” 

“It’s going to take her months to edit, which I can’t-- I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

That did it. Clarke knew it would. Clarke new an overt expression of her own independence would trigger her mother. She knew arguing and not appearing to care about college would give her the satisfaction of a righteous fight. She wanted it. It’d been brewing for about a week and a half, ever since Clarke said she was going prom dress shopping without her. Ever since Clark forgot to tell her about spending the night camping with Lexa and the film crew while the powered through the project. Ever since Clarke didn't’ come home for dinner last Tuesday and then raved about Mrs. Woods’ garlic chicken. Tiny things Clarke did with spite because she didn’t know what else to do, because she couldn’t do anything else. 

Abby’s nostrils flared and Clarke jutted her hip, shrugging to herself as she dug for her phone, ready to go to work and escape the house and the persistent smell of medical equipment and cleaner that haunted her until she was about two blocks from the house. 

“I’ll be home around midnight.” 

“Like hell you will. You’ll be home right after your shift.” 

“No,” Clarke paused as she turned to leave. “I’m going over Lexa’s to study. We’re watching a Cary Grant movie.” 

“You’re under the misconception that you get to make your own schedule and plans without asking permission. But that is not the case, Clarke.” 

“I’ve been doing fine.” 

“You’ve barely been home. Your father is--”

“Right there, in that room, asleep. I know this because I spent the morning with him. We made pancakes and played a game of cribbage. We talked about school and Lexa and I showed him pictures of the past week of my life. And I helped him with his meds because he’s having a bit of a flare. I told him I’d see him in the morning for omelettes because we’ve been watching cooking shows together and he wants to try the french style. I know exactly what is going on with my father.” 

She hadn’t meant to, but her voice began to raise as she spoke. Clarke felt her fist shake. She felt her muscles tighten and her jaw clench. She was okay with being considered lazy and unmotivated, but to be accused of negligence was uncalled for, especially from someone like her mother. 

“Don’t you raise your voice! You are greatly mistaken as to the nature of our relationship. I am your mother, and I am sick of your attitude, and your priorities not being your father and your family or your education.” 

“Lexa has nothing to do with any of that. Are you just mad I’m dating a girl? Or that I don’t care what you think anymore?” 

Slightly taken aback by her daughter, by her words, by her actions, by her entire demeanor over the past few months and frankly just sick of dealing with being the bad guy. 

“I don’t even know who you are anymore,” Abby shook her head. 

“I could say the same thing.” 

The two stared at each other before Clarke shook her head and adjusted her bag. She toyed with her keys in her pockets before checking her phone again. 

“I’m going to be late for work. I’ll be back tonight.” 

“You’re not going anywhere,” Abby insisted again. “You’re grounded indefinitely.” 

“Except I’m not,” Clarke sighed and shook her head. “I’m not because I don’t care anymore. I genuinely don’t.”

“You’re going to. Give me your keys and your phone.” 

“No.” 

“I’m not joking, Clarke. You’re going to need to readjust your priorities and attitude.”

“I think you should take your own advice,” Clarke insisted as she reached the front door. “Or are you too busy fucking Kane to realize that there is no more family here?” 

With a satisfying slam, she yanked the door shut. The anger that was stationed in her shoulders dissipated with the noise and movement. Clarke stood there in the quiet of her perfect neighborhood, the flapping of the flag lazily moving in the spring breeze was all she heard at first. Then the birds came. Then a lawnmower started in the distance. 

Clarke felt lighter than she’d felt in a long time. She also felt emptier than any other time in her life. It was officially the end, and now she had to deal with that because the anger and the hurt and the betrayal was all she’d had in her for what felt like months. It hadn’t made anything better, and it certainly ruined everything, but Clarke took some solace in the fact that now she could try to fill herself up with something else. 

XXXXXXXXXX

The party at Bellamy Blake’s house was in full swing by the time Lexa made her way up the winding driveway and into the belly of the beast. She wasn’t sure how she ended up there exactly, except that her girlfriend texted and said to show up. That seemed to be enough of a reason, though Lexa wasn’t particularly prepared. They’d had plans. Quiet plans. Private plans. Movie plans. 

And now Lexa was going to her girlfriend’s ex’s party. 

She shoved her hands in her pockets as she moved through the crowd, clearly not getting the memo that jeans were not entirely good enough attire, and in fact she seemed to be extremely overdressed. Her eyes bugged slightly as she watched a girl from her physics class walk by in a very tiny, very teeny lime green bikini. Lexa became suddenly aware of the appeal of such things, as if she hadn’t noticed them before, but then MIchelle who sat diagonally in front of her third period looked like that and she gulped. 

The music thumped loudly. The beats were rattling the walls and shaking the windows while the screams and giggles of her classmates sought to shatter glass. It wasn’t like the other parties she’d been to with Clarke. It wasn’t even like thrones Anya dragged her to when she visited. This was a night of debauchery and she hadn’t had time to prepare. 

And as much as she saw everyone else wearing bikinis, she hadn’t thought about Clarke wearing one. She’d seen Clarke’s boobs before. That was nice. But there was something to her girlfriend in a bikini that was… good. Very good, even. 

Lexa pushed her glasses up slightly on her nose and stared. 

“What are you doing here?” Gus asked, approaching quietly. She didn’t move or say anything else, just stared from across the pool, the steam billowing upward to ward the sky while everyone seemed to glow blue and green and red, the lights alternating around them, the flames of the fire pits dancing to keep everyone warm. The warm glow of the lights inside were lost on the white-blue shade to the water. 

“Lexa, focus,” he snapped his fingers in front of her face. “What are you doing here? Your sister would kill me if she knew you were at a Blake party.” 

“How is it different than any other party?” 

“It just is.” 

“Because of the pool? I’ve been to pool parties.” 

It hadn’t been since seventh grade and didn’t look like an episode of a CW show, but still, she’d been to a pool party with many of the same cast of characters that were currently on display. It was before puberty, but still. 

“We need to get you home.” 

“Clarke invited me.” 

“It doesn’t matter. This isn’t your scene.” 

“I can be in any scene. I’ve watched every John Hughes movie.”

“This is more of an episode of Euphoria than an 80s teen flick,” Gus sighed and took another swig from his cup. “And I fully believe you would fit in fine with Molly Ringwald.”

“That’s very kind of you to say,” Lexa nodded. “I’ll be fine.” 

She took her eyes off of her girlfriend long enough to assure her friend that she was perfectly fine now. She was dating the head cheerleader. She’d been to parties and seen--

“Gus-- is that cocaine?” 

“Okay, yeah, we have to get you out of here,” he shook his head and tossed his empty cup into a flowerbed. 

“Is it really?” she asked, craning her neck as he pushed her forward. “I’ve never see that in real life before. People actually do that thing with the credit cards and dollar bills? Astounding. Where does one get cocaine?” 

“You don’t need to know that.” 

“I’m not going to do it. I’m just curious.” 

They only made it a few steps before the ran into a sopping body. A tall, muscular, tan, perfectly chiseled and dripping body. It was the body of an actual god. It was the body of the perfect specimen, with biceps and the long swimmer cuts that pointed firmly toward his… his-ness. 

“Gus, long time, man. How you been?” Bellamy Blake grinned before slipping his cup in his teeth as he hugged the other football player. 

“Not too bad. Heard you’re heading to Oregon in the fall?” 

“Yeah, partial scholarship. We’ll see what happens,” he shrugged. “Staying close?” 

“Yeah, St. Johns, about three hours away.” 

“Full ride?” 

“Yeah. I got offered half to OSU, but would rather not have to pay anything.” 

“No, that’s smart.” 

The whole time they spoke, Lexa watched Clarke’s ex intently. She frowned to herself and wondered how her girlfriend broke up with him. He was effortlessly cool. He was huge. He looked like he knew how to go down on a girl, and Lexa was still apprehensive. She wished she could fast forward in life until she was really good at sex. 

She watched him grin and sip from his red cup, meeting her eyes curiously as Gus explained something about his college recruitment process. 

“I don’t think we’ve ever met before. I’m Bellamy.” 

He held out his hand. And though she didn’t want to do it, she sighed and shook his hand. 

“Sorry, I should have introduced you. This is Lexa.” 

“Lexa… Lexa…” He mulled. 

“Anya Woods’ sister.” 

“Wow, you’re Anya’s little sister?” 

“Yeah.” 

“How is she? I forgot she had a little sister. I remember her little brother died-- oh shit.” 

“Yeah.” 

“We were just heading out,” Gus interrupted. 

“I was actually just going to go talk to Clarke.” 

“Why would you--”

Before anything else could be said, before anything else could transpire between the two of them, before Gus had to interrupt again, Clarke appeared, launching herself into her girlfriend’s arms, wrapping her own around her neck, her body still slightly damp from the pool she must have just climbed out of during the awkward introduction. 

“You’re here. I’m so happy,” Clarke hummed against Lexa’s warm neck. She buried herself there, suffocating herself happily, slightly tipsy. 

“I told you I’d stop by.” 

Clarke kissed her girlfriend’s neck. She leaned most of her body against her there and giggled, oblivious to the eyes, too drunk to care about anything else happening. 

“I am have the worst day. Maybe the worst week. Maybe the worst year ever. No, wait. Definitely the worst year, and today I finally told my mom everything and then left. So Yeah. It’s been terrible. I got drunk.” 

“Not the healthiest coping mechanism.”

“Not a bit,” Clarke grinned, agreeing eagerly and with a wide grin. She leaned forward and kissed her girlfriend despite her words. 

“You can be healthy tomorrow,” Lexa offered. “You okay?” 

“As okay as can be.” 

There was some throat clearing that happened behind them, and Lexa felt a burning in her ears and chest at the display, unaccustomed to it all. 

“So this is your new girlfriend?” Bellamy asked, looking at the pair. 

“Lex, I suppose you’ve met my ex,” Clarke gestured. 

“Kind of.” 

“Is this party a little much?”

“If I remember correctly, this was exactly the kind of thing you liked. We went to many a party in our tenure,” Bellamy shrugged, lazily leaning against a counter. “Things changed since I left, I guess.” 

“I enjoyed not thinking,” Clarke offered. “You were great for that.” 

Gus and Lexa looked between the two and then at each other. She was almost certain she didn’t know what was happening, but that certainly, something was, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. 

“You moved on quick, huh?” 

“Hey, step back,” Gus interrupted as Bellamy took a single step. “This is Anya’s sister.” 

“Woods?” he furrowed. “You’re dating Anya Woods’ kid sister?” 

“Yup,” Clarke nodded. 

“I heard she was--”

“Standing right here,” Gus finished. 

Lexa felt Clarke’s hand move into her own and she smiled despite the fact that she was picking up a drunk girl at her college guy ex’s party. There was a lot in that sentence she wasn’t happy about, now that she thought about it. 

“You ready to get out of here?” Lexa asked innocently, ignoring the rest. 

“I think we still have a few more shots lined up, Clarke,” Bellamy smiled and Lexa understood the need to punch. 

Noticeably torn, she looked at her girlfriend and back at her ex before realizing that she was actually drunk, and that wasn’t good. Lexa smiled softly and rubbed her girlfriend’s back. She kind of imagined how it must have felt to implode and take her mother down with her. Lexa remembered the feeling of telling her father she was gay and sad. Clarke’s implosion didn’t seem as successful as her own, and Lexa was more than happy to try to help in whatever way she could. 

“Can I stay at your place tonight?” 

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded quickly. “I’ll text my mom to let her know.” 

“You’re seriously leaving?” The college football player and terrible ex scoffed. “The night is still young. It’s barely after eleven.” 

“Thanks for getting me drunk, but I should probably go do something better.” 

“Thanks for showing me around,” Lexa offered nodding her head slightly toward the host before he could argue. “Have a good night. I’ll see you on Monday, Gus.”

“Get home safe,” the linebacker warned. 

Slightly dumbfounded, Bellamy Blake stood there, hands on his hips as he watched his ex weave through the crowd of people and disappear. As much s everything stayed the same, he couldn’t shake the sinking feeling of change, and how averse he was to it. 

XXXXXXXXXX

“Here, you can, uh,” Lexa quickly moved through her bedroom, leaving her girlfriend standing by the bed. “I have some old sweats if you want.” 

Already, Clarke began taking off her pants, and Lexa quickly looked in the drawers of her dresser. She felt the tips of her ears burn slightly as she looked over her shoulder, her girlfriend slumping into the bed, pants lost to the floor. 

“I knew I shouldn’t have gone to that party. I knew it,” Clarke sighed, rubbing her face with both hands to ride herself of the spinning. “But I didn’t care. I just wanted to… you know…”

“You had it out with your mom. You just anted to go far away. I get it.” 

“Don’t be nice to me. I knew better than to go, especially to anything involving Bellamy Blake.” 

“Why?” 

“He doesn’t care about any of it. Just has drinks. I should have called you or like done something else.” 

“You’re allowed to want to take a night off from a giant secret after a huge fight. And you don’t need my permission,” Lexa reminded her girlfriend, offering an old shirt. 

“It was stupid.” 

“Do you feel better?” 

Gingerly, Lexa tugged at Clarke’s shirt, pulling it over her head until she flopped back down on the bed, her hair fanning out against the pillow. Agitated at herself, at her clothe, at the unfathomable uncontrollability to the entirety of her life, Clarke growled to herself as she tugged off her bra, tossing it to the side and gracelessly pulling on the shirt Lexa offered. 

“I don’t feel better at all.” 

It was certainly a pout, and Lexa did her best to ignore it. Instead, she slicked off the light beside the bed, and slid between the sheets next to Clarke. Lexa laid there until Clarke turned to face her, until she placed her hand on her neck and cheek. 

“I’m sorry you had to pick me up.” 

“It’s okay,” Lexa whispered. 

“It’s not. I’m not like this… I don’t mean to be… I mean--”

“It’s okay.” 

Clarke leaned forward, shifting beneath the blankets until their knees were touching. She moved to only push the hair from Lexa’s forehead and she paused before kissing her lips. She tasted the warmth of the tequila there and she didn’t care. Lexa signed. 

“Please don’t give up on me anytime soon,” Clarke murmured. Stunned from the kiss, Lexa blinked in the dark and shifted closer. 

“I wouldn’t ever.” 

“I know you wouldn’t. I just had to say it out loud.” 

“Okay.” 

Lexa was certain she was going to get another kiss, but instead, Clarke dug her forehead under her girlfriend’s chin and pressed their bodies together, hugging her tightly and disappearing, being overwhelmed, anchoring herself to a steady force. Lexa rubbed Clarke’s back for a few moments until she fell asleep, and then she allowed herself the option of sleep.

NEXT

[fanmoose12]

the devil you know

Сharacters: Hange Zoe, Levi, Moblit Berner, Zeke Yeagar, Armin Arlert

Genres: Action / Drama

Summary: Can you still miss a person, if everything you knew about them was a lie?

Сhapter 2/?

Chapter 1

Her first visitor was - quite unsurprisingly - Moblit.

He brought food, a change of clothes and even books to her. All of them - Hange couldn't help but note - were picked up to suite her interests.

Then he sat down next to her and proceeded to clean the small cut on her cheek, the one she received during the raid on Liberio, when one of the bullets flew almost too close for her to dodge.

"It's just a scratch," she whispered, still unable to meet his gaze. She did not deserve his kindness. She never did.

"It still might get infected," Moblit murmured, applying a soothing balm on the wound. Gentle, he was always so gentle with her. So patient too. Hange’s eyes started to sting.

"And why do you care?" she asked, staring at the wall in front of her. "Don't you..." she closed her eyes, wincing. Why did she care? He was an enemy, the devil of Paradise, and yet— yet her heart still squeezed painfully and her stomach was in knots. "Don't you hate me?"

Moblit sighed, putting away the med kit. He rose up from his kneeling position and joined her on a small prison bed.

"I tried," he confessed softly. "I tried hating you, so hard and for so long but I just… couldn't. You know when Captain Levi broke the news of your betrayal..." he chuckled quietly, running a hand through his hair. "I started crying. I thought how could you do that, after those years we've spent fighting side by side, how could lie to us like this? But then..."

"Then?" Hange echoed, her voice wavering.

"Then I remembered our first expedition," Moblit smiled. "The one where I almost got eaten. You saved me back there. Nearly got your hand bitten off but you saved me, and that made me realize, you didn't lie, not always anyways. You're an extraordinary person, Hange-san, but I don't think even you can pretend like this all the time. All these nights I carried you to your room after you fell asleep in your office and you murmured 'thanks' against my shirt, all these evenings we and the guys from our squad got drunk at the bars, all these times you made sure to check on me, when I got myself into infirmary, finding the time to do so, despite your crazy schedule... I know all of this wasn't a lie, it couldn’t be.”

He paused for a moment, staring at her with the same devotion he always did, the one that always made Hange’s throat go dry, because she had never deserved it. She – a traitor and a liar – never deserved Moblit’s kindness and affection. But even now, he didn’t seem to understand it.

“I can't hate you, Hange-san,” he murmured softly, “because I know that this betrayal hurt you as much as it did all of us."

He touched her hand, briefly squeezing it, and when Hange looked up, surprised that her vision is clouded, Moblit wiped off her unshed tears and gave her another kind smile.

"I'll come back in the evening. Please tell me if you need anything else. I can go to your room..."

"My room?" Hange startled. "You haven't cleared it out yet?"

Haven't they destroyed everything there - burned all of her papers and smashed all of her samples? Why not?

"Captain Levi forbade us from doing so," Moblit replied, and that seemingly simple revelation had Hange’s heart beating madly. Her shocked expression didn’t go unnoticed by Moblit. He chuckled heartily, muttering something to himself.

"Good day, Hange-san," he said at last, leaving her to deal with the bewildering news on her own.

***

Armin came to her next.

For the longest time, he just sat there, fiddling with something small, enclosed in his hands and out of her sight.

Hange ignored him, pretending to read one of Moblit's books and watching him from the corner of her eyes, waiting for Armin to speak up.

Was it his method of manipulation? If so, it wasn't working.

But as the silence stretched on, becoming tenser with each second, Hange struggled not to squirm in her seat. What was the meaning of this? What was he waiting for? And then, when she was ready to speak up and ask what the fuck he wanted with her, Armin finally looked up.

He rose to his feet and hid the mysterious object inside his jacket before Hange could see what it was.

"I'll have tea brought for us,” he announced. “Just wait for a minute."

"It's not like I can go anywhere," Hange muttered, rolling her eyes.

“Just a minute,” Armin repeated with a nervous laugh, and then hurriedly left.

Once the tea was brought, Armin let himself inside the cell.

"There you go," he murmured, handing Hange a white porcelain cup. It was one of the best that the scouts had, Hange knew that this tea set was only used for that rare instances, where they had to hold meetings with the highest members of the brass. And Armin decided to use this set to have a tea party with her? The hospitality was making her uncomfortable. Was that Armin’s intention too?

She accepted the cup, looking at the boy over its rim. "How are Gabi and Falco?"

"Don't worry," Armin smiled. "No harm will come their way. Their cell is not... as luxurious as yours is,” he gestured to the bed, desk and even small bookshelf that stood inside. “But they're in good hands, you can trust me on that."

"Thank you," Hange nodded and drank from the cup. Her eyes opened wide as she tasted the familiar sweet flavor. How did he—

"You should try biscuits too," Armin the pushed the plate closer to her. Hange glanced at them. Just as the tea, those biscuits were her favorite.

"We used to do it a lot, remember?" Armin said, easily deciphering the reason for her surprise. "With Mikasa, Eren and the rest of your squad..."

"I remember," Hange quietly answered. She took another sip, her throat suddenly going too dry.

Was this all a part of his plan? To make her feel as the most disgusting piece of shit in the world? Armin shouldn’t have bothered. She was quite good at it herself.

"Good times, eh?" Armin chuckled, putting a hand under his chin. “Those evening at the barracks… You told us so many things, had us hanging onto your every word. You had enough passion in you to carry on for the whole night, but Captain Levi never let us stay for too long…”

“Is that the reason for your visit?” Hange snapped, interrupting him. Every word from his mouth was making her more and more angry. She didn't need some barely adult to lecture her, trying to make her feel bad. What did he want to achieve with that? Make her realize how awful she is? She knew that already. “Did you come here to reminisce about the good old days? Don’t you have anything better to do, Armin?”

"Sorry," weird, but Armin looked genuinely apologetic. Was he always that good of an actor? Or did he learn the skill of deceit after she left? "It wasn't my intent to stir... some unwanted memories. I didn't come here for this. I actually... wanted to ask a question."

"Ask away," Hange allowed, crossing arms on her chest.

"I've been thinking about this a lot," Armin began, playing with a cup's handle. Looking like that – with his head bowed and his eyes cast down, he reminded Hange of the boy she knew four years ago. She almost believed in his sincerity. “Reiner and Berthold, Annie... they wanted to kill Eren. At the very least, take him away. Why haven't you attempted something like this? You had more than enough opportunities. Why didn't you use them?"

Why didn't she indeed. Deep down, Hange knew an answer to this question. But since she wasn't only a piece of shit, but a coward as well, she wasn’t ready to admit it, even to herself. And she sure as hell wasn’t going to admit to Armin too.

She had an answer for him, though. A reason she fabricated to placate her superiors and give herself at least some peace of mind.

"I've never seen an Attack Titan. Kruger died before I became a part of Titan Research Society. And..." she shrugged, and put on a bright smile, her only mask and best defense. "I wanted to study him so much that I was willing to ignore my duty."

"And thunder spears?" Armin asked. "Without them, we would have lost at Shiganshina. Why did you create them?"

"Same reason," she took a biscuit in her hands, biting into it. Her lie was so good, she herself started believing in it. "I was too fascinated by your technology. Couldn't pass the opportunity to find out what your natural resources are capable of."

"Ever the scientist?" something very close to admiration shone in Armin's big blue eyes. Hange quickly looked away, not giving her guilt an opportunity to resurface. She’d have time for that later, when left alone. “Thank you for your answer, Hange-san.”

“Is that all you’ve wanted to ask?”

“No,” Armin shook his head. He shifted his eyes back down, staring into his cup. He slowly span the spoon, lost in thought.

“I know it’s unwise,” he stated, tone uncharacteristically firm for a boy Hange once knew. “And I know that others may not… agree with me on this, but I wasn’t supposed to be in this position. Commander Erwin left it to you, you’re his true successor and I…”

Couldn’t be, Hange thought. Was it another one of his games?

“Are you asking for an advice, Armin?”

“I…” he chuckled, nervously ruffling his hair. “I guess I am. It’s just— everyone looks up to me now, thinking I’ve got all the right answers, but I don’t even know what the question is supposed to be. I’m trying to deal with the mess that the attack on Liberio caused, and now everyone is coming after me for putting Eren in jail, and—” Armin rubbed his face, his shoulders sagging. Hange started to feel sorry for the boy, she could only imagine how hard it was to call shots during times like this. “After you… left, I thought I’ve learnt my lesson. I thought I knew that you can’t trust everyone. But Eren isn’t just someone, he’s my best friend.”

I was someone’s best friend too once, Hange almost said. She was someone’s best friend too, and then she betrayed him.

Would he ever be able to forgive me, she wondered.

No, Hange shut that train of thoughts immediately. He wouldn’t. He was too smart to be that kind.

“He’s a family,” Armin solemnly continued, breaking her out of the reverie. “But after what he’s done in Liberio… I can’t even look him in the eyes.”

“He changed,” Hange said, as softly as she could. She contemplated covering Armin’s hand with hers, but she doubted he’d allow it. “People do that sometimes.”

“Yes,” Armin nodded. “I’m… learning to accept that.”

“I know you still care about him. You always will.”

She will always care about him too. God, she was pathetic. A spy and a traitor and she couldn’t do even that properly, forgetting the most important rule of ‘do not get attached’.

“But you can’t trust Eren anymore,” Hange told him.

Talking about trust? Well, wasn’t she a hypocrite. Another one of her many, many flaws.

“I know,” he sadly agreed. “But Eren is not the only one, who worries me. There is also a matter of Zeke Yeager…” Armin reminded.

She smashed the biscuit in her fist. Zeke, the bastard had played them all. And to think she used to admire him… More than just admire him.

“Don’t let Eren and Zeke converse,” she warned grimly. “Under any circumstances. Knowing what Zeke is capable of, and witnessing what Eren is capable of, it would be best if you separate them.”

“Separate them…” Armin mumbled, biting his thumb.

“Get Zeke out of the inner city,” Hange advised. “As far as you can. Perhaps…” she scratched her chin, thinking. “Perhaps, have him hidden in the Forest of Giant Trees.”

“Huh… that’s a very sound idea,” Armin slowly nodded, some tension leaving his body. That bright light returned to his eyes, and Hange relaxed at the sight of it. Seeing some of his worries disappear made her feel just a tiniest bit better about herself. “I can appoint Captain Levi as Zeke’s guardian, he won’t be able to make a single move then.”

“You do that.”

Just at the mention of him, all of her good mood had disappeared. It was a good thing that Armin decided to get him out of the city too. Perhaps, her heart wouldn’t get completely shattered then.

“Thank you so much,” Armin finally smiled, looking up at Hange.

With his puffy cheeks and big, bright eyes, he looked young, she couldn’t help but note. He was still just a boy. And already he had a burden on his shoulders Hange wasn’t sure she herself would be able to carry.

“I know it may not mean much to you, but you’re doing good, Armin. He—” Hange paused, clearing her throat. She still couldn’t say hisname. Commander Erwin Smith was an enemy, a biggest threat to their mission. But at the same time… he was a man she followed for five years of her life. He was a man she admired like no other. Erwin Smith was a friend.

And she missed him terribly.

“He would have been proud of you,” she finished hoarsely.

“Hange-san,” Armin rose, laying a hand on her shoulder. “I didn’t know Commander Erwin as much as you did, but I think… I think he would have forgiven you. If that’s any consolation, I already did.”

Fuck. Hange turned her face away, hiding her eyes. Starting with memories of their time years ago, bringing up Erwin, forgiving her… Was Armin so determined to make her cry?

“Thank you for your time,” Armin said at last, leaving the cell.

As soon as the door closed after him, she left the tears flow.

***

Then came Sasha. Naturally, with Connie in tow.

With wide eyes Hange stared at the variety of meals the pair brought inside her cell.

"Um..." she gawked at it, feeling utterly lost. "What is this?"

"It's food!" Sasha beamed.

"Yeah, I can see that but... What's the occasion?"

"I just thought they don't feed you in here," Sasha answered, skeptically looking Hange over. "It doesn't look like they do. You seem thinner than before."

The sight of Sasha with hands on her hips and her lips pressed together in displeasure made Hange feel inexplicably warm. She desperately tried to fight off a smile, but in Sasha's presence it proved to be an almost impossible feat.

Ah, well, she was always her favorite...

"Moblit takes care of my meals actually."

He came to her every morning and evening, bringing warm food and engaging conversations. His quiet, soft voice was the only respite from the demons in her head.

"Pfft," Sasha rolled her eyes. "And you're calling that food? This is food!" she gestured at the plates they’ve carried inside. "Just try it, Hange-san, it's delicious!"

"It's from Niccolo!" Connie said, grinning just as brightly. "He's a real master."

"And our friend!" Sasha added.

“Something more than a friend for Sasha," Connie corrected.

Red hue instantly appeared on Sasha's cheeks, and Hange couldn't resist anymore - she snickered in her palm.

"Let's eat before it gets cold," Sasha muttered, avoiding everyone's eyes.

As she busied herself with serving the table, Hange exchanged a look with Connie. The boy winked. Hange hid a smile.

As they ate, Sasha and Connie entertained Hange with stories of their everyday life. They told her about the time they pulled a prank on Jean and almost made him believe he grew ten inches taller overnight and spoke of an arm wrestling match between Mikasa and Levi that Levi, to his immense shame, had lost.

They talked so animatedly, described everything with such vivid details that Hange felt like she actually had been present when all of it had happened.

Truthfully, she desperately wanted to.

"Thanks for the meal, guys," breathing heavily, Hange sat back in a chair. She turned her face away, unable to even stare at the food. Sasha was right, the food Moblit brought her - as good as it was - didn't compare to Niccolo's. As a result, she was completely stuffed. "It was delicious."

"And talking with you had been fun," Connie said.

"It's good to see you again," Sasha admitted with a kind smile that warmed Hange’s heart.

Sasha and Connie managed to make feel better than she had been in days since Liberio. Truth be told, they made her feel better than she had been since leaving the island all these years ago.

The kids rose from their seats, moving in perfect sync.

Just like twins, Hange thought with another smile.

They moved around the table, picking up the plates.

"You go, Sasha," Connie spoke as soon as they finished. "I'll catch up with you."

"Eh?" Sasha frowned. "What do you—"

"Go," he gave her a push, still refusing to meet her gaze. "I need a moment with Hange-san."

"And why must you throw me away..." Sasha complained , shaking her head. She gave Connie another look, filled with suspicion, huffed in annoyance and then walked out of the dungeons, leaving them alone.

Connie waited until the sound of a large metal door closing was heard and then looked up at Hange.

"Hange-san," the boy seemed a bit nervous. Hange wondered about the reason for a sudden change in his demeanor. She wanted to ask, but Connie suddenly appeared beside her. Without giving her time to react, he wrapped his arms around her. Hange stood still, not knowing how to react. "Thank you for saving Sasha,” he whispered. “I don't know what I would have done without her."

Oh god, again? Were those kids going to make her cry again? She had to resist it. She was a Marleyan soldier, one of the strongest and toughest they had. She could do it.

But then Connie had the gall to press his forehead to her shoulder, sniffling quietly, and Hange felt her resolve shutter.

She quickly wiped at her eyes. "I'm glad I managed to get there in time,” she said, more honest that she had been in a long time. “This world would have lost a lot of light if Sasha was gone."

"My world would be completely dark," Connie agreed, letting go of her. He took a step back, looking at Hange with a wistful smile that reminded her that he wasn’t the same naive boy anymore. None of them were. "Thank you again. I meant it when I say it’s good to have you back. We’ve all missed you terribly, Hange-san.”

Thankfully, he left before her face became covered in tears once again.

***

Jean came to her too. Many times, actually. He paced around the cell, he touched the bars, pulled on them.

But he never entered.

He tried to be sneaky about it too, coming down to the dungeons well after midnight. But his steps were too heavy, and Hange was a spy, and before that – a soldier. She was trained to be a light sleeper practically since birth.

However, she said nothing. Giving him the time he needed was the least she could do. Besides, she knew Jean. The boy was not a coward, she knew he’d certainly come around.

And on the fourth day since the Raid on Liberio, he finally did.

He marched inside her cell, looking like a man going to war.

"Why did you do it?" he slammed his hands on the table, right under Hange's nose.

She slowly looked up from a book she was reading. "You have to be more specific, Jean. I did a lot of things."

"Sasha!" he said with barely conceived rage. "Why did you save her?"

Hange put the book down and crossed her legs at the ankles. She looked at Jean carefully, raising an eyebrow. "You didn't want me to?"

"That's not it!" Jean growled. He shook his head and then continued in a much calmer voice. "You know that's not what I meant.”

Plopping down on a chair next to Hange, he hid his face in his hands and took a deep breath. "I just don't understand it..." he muttered. "We probably wouldn't have hurt those kids even if they did harm Sasha. So why did you do it? Why did you save her?"

Hange sighed. The answer was fairly simple. But everything it entailed – not so much.

"I didn't want her to die."

Jeans studied her pensively. "Isn't that what every Marleyan wishes for? To kill as much Eldians as they can? They sent you here with the same reason, no?"

Hange gave him a sharp look. "No. My mission was to survey and investigate. I wasn't ordered to harm or kill you."

Truth was - she probably wouldn't be able to, even if ordered.

Getting too soft, Zoe, a voice that resembled Zeke's sneered in her head. Hange ignored it, swatting it away like an irritating fly.

"God, you really are making this so hard for me," Jean mumbled, shaking his head.

"What exactly?"

"Hating you," Jean replied. "I spent four years hating you. You and Berthold and Annie and Reiner... I despised them for betraying us, for lying and pretending, but you... Your betrayal shook me to the core. I thought I was ready for it, you know?" he looked at her, staring right into her eyes and showing her all of his raw emotions. Hange hated herself just a little more for causing him so much distress. "I thought that after Reiner and Berthold, nothing can hurt me. But I trusted you so much. I respected and admired you. Between unwavering Commander Erwin and aloof Captain Levi, I thought you're the only one who gives a damn about us."

Hange stared back at him, not knowing what to say. Tell him that he wasn't wrong? That, despite everything - her orders, her beliefs and upbringing - she still cared? A lot of good her care did.

“I looked up to you, you know?" Jean continued, gazing up at the ceiling with a bitter smile. "Thought you're a real badass. Well, you still are, for what it's worth. Managed to fool us all, I couldn't believe it, when Captain told us that you left. No one could. Commander Erwin even wanted to call off the expedition to Shiganshina."

Erwin wanted to call off the expedition? The stoic, cold-blooded Erwin? She had trouble believing it was true.

And her heart was having trouble shouldering all that pain. She really was a piece of shit, wasn’t she? She played with their feelings, betrayed those, who actually cared about her, and for what? For a nation whose only motivation was greed, for a war that was justified solely by prejudices?

“He didn’t name another successor, by the way,” Jean revealed. “Technically, we still don’t have a Commander. I guess no one could fill those shoes, except you.”

“Please,” Hange scoffed. “I would have done a terrible job.”

“You’re selling yourself too short,” Jean protested, shaking his head. “Commander Erwin himself believed in you. That's gotta count for something."

"Erwin didn't know me."

It was Jean's turn to scoff. "Are we talking about the same Erwin Smith? The myth, the legend?" he rolled his eyes. "He may not know everything, but he knew you. Enough to entrust his legacy to you. You're not as bad as I was making you out to be, Hange-san. Actually," Jean tilted his head, his eyes softening. "You're not as bad as you think you are."

Hange turned her face away, hiding from his intent gaze. Jean’s words stroke a chord she didn’t she think she still possessed. So pathetic. After all these years, and she still yearned for acceptance.

"You never did any harm to us,” Jean went on. “Never hurt us, at least not physically. You helped us a lot actually. Your research and inventions… Have you realized what you were doing? I think some part of you certainly has."

"Besides, after all that shit that's been going on, we can't exactly be called good guys either,” he sighed, pushing the hair back from his face. “Maybe, you and I have more in common that I'd like to think.”

Again, Hange was at a loss for words. Should she thank him for making her feel better? No, she was already pitiful enough.

"Just something to think about," Jean finished, getting to his feet.

He fixed his uniform, brushing the invisible dust from his shoulders. Hange stole a glance at him, marveling at how much he had changed. If she had been his commander, she’d be so proud of him. He had grown into a smart, kind man. Perhaps, a little too kind, she thought, recalling their conversation.

"I've never thought I'd say this," just before leaving, Jean turned to Hange, his hand gripping the bar of her cell. "But I'm glad our paths have crossed again. It looks like there are still lots of things I can learn from you."

***

At last, Levi came.

Hange didn't hear him enter the dungeons. She was in the middle of reading a book when she got a strange, prickling feeling. She looked up, almost jumping as she instantly met Levi's grey eyes. They seemed especially cold this time. Have they always been like this? She was sure they weren’t. At least, not when they were directed at her.

As their gazes connected, he said nothing. He continued to watch her, and the weight of his gaze was so heavy, she felt like she couldn't breathe.

"Erwin is dead," he finally said. Impossible, but his eyes became even colder. "Killed at Shiganshina. Did you know that?"

"I read the report."

She wasn't present at the battle, Zeke had advised against that.

"It's too dangerous for you, Professor," he had said. "Attack Titan, Ackermans and those scouts, it would be best if you sit this one out. It'd be a shame if we lost a mind as brilliant as yours. Besides," his lips curled into smirk then, a knowing glint appearing in his eyes. To this day, Hange wasn't sure if he had been joking or not. "You lived with them for so long, your feelings are compromised. I'm sure you're filled with desire to kill them all."

Funny thing, Hange thought back then. Because if she had been thrusted into that battle - she wasn't sure she'd be able to fight for the side she was supposed to.

"In a report?" Levi sneered. "Your buddy Zeke must have bragged to hell and back about it."

Levi's words, even filled with so much distain and mockery, weren't that far from the truth. The voyage back to Marley had not been a happy affair. They almost lost Zeke, they almost lost Reiner, they've lost Berthold. Sweet, timid Berthold, Hange liked him so much. After Pieck's titan, his colossal was the most intriguing test subject. Soft and caring Bertold died, and she could only imagine how hard it was for Reiner. The poor boy didn’t speak throughout the whole journey back home.

“After being away for so long, you’d think he’d be happy that the mission is finally over,” Pieck noted, whispering her observations in Hange’s ear. “But then again,” she turned to her, her sharp eyes narrowing ever so slightly. “You don’t look so excited either.”

Hange paid her no mind then, even if Pieck had suspected something, what of it? She was going home, and those Eldians – those people she lived with for five years – didn’t matter anymore. But Reiner did, and Hange watched him, intently, wondering what she could do to make him feel better. She wanted to comfort him, she even approached him and words "I know how it feels" almost slipped down her tongue. But she stopped herself at the very last moment. I know how it feels. Did she really?

She lost people before - a tall blonde man with a goofy smile who gave the best hugs, a blond woman with the most infectious laughter, the adorable petite girl who always looked at her with stars in her eyes, a cheerful young man in glasses who copied most of her gimmicks, the serious brunette who followed her every command - with every loss a part of her soul died, but could she really call them friends? They did not know her, and if they did, they would have never accepted her.

He wouldn’t have accepted you too, a malicious voice whispered in her ear.

The proof of that statement was staring her down at the very same moment.

Unable to escape Levi’s seething gaze, Hange remembered what Zeke had told her then, when she regrouped with them at Shiganshina.

“You did not mention those scouts are that crazy. To sacrifice so many people just for a chance of victory?” Zeke had scoffed, cleaning his glasses. “I just can’t understand it.”

You never will, Hange thought back then. Those brave, young soldiers. Her heart bled for them.

“And that Ackerman,” he continued. “To think they call me a beast titan. I thought I was done for. All that rage and blind hatred and all of it because of some Commander.”

“Erwin Smith.”

“What?”

“His name was Erwin Smith,” Hange repeated, her voice brimming with emotion. She blinked away tears. She would not cry, not right now. Not when Zeke was looking at her so closely. “And he wasn’t just some Commander.”

She left Zeke’s side quickly afterwards, afraid that she’d be unable to hold back her own rage. Some Commander? Erwin was much more than that. Even as Marleyan, she was able to understand that.

“Did you know about Mike too?” Levi asked, pushing himself off the wall he was leaning against. “And about Nanaba?”

She did, of course, she did. Zeke had sent her the letter, retelling everything he did to Mike in horrid, morbid details. Reading that letter, Hange struggled not to throw up. She could almost hear his screams, could almost see the horror in his eyes.

To not be simply eaten by a titan, but getting torn apart by them? Hange couldn’t imagine a fate more horrible.

The terror of it all didn’t leave her for the longest time. It was only in his arms – in Levi’s strong, gentle arms – that she managed to find some respite. She hated herself for it, but when he wiped her tears with his lips, whispering soft, soothing words in her ear, she could almost pretend to forget.

“And about Ragako?”

Amidst her inner turmoil, Hange missed the moment when Levi entered the cell. Now he was standing right beside her, looming over with dark, angry expression.

“Did you know about those people? About what was going to happen to them?” Levi wasn’t an expressive man, but his eyes showed it all. In a life where she pretended to be a mad scientist and a survey corps’ squad leader, she prided herself at being one of the few, who could read those eyes. But she could see nothing inside them right now. Levi’s face was completely blank, his emotions closed off. “Did you know what was going to happen to Connie’s mother?”

That was it, the final nail in her coffin.

And to think that just the other day, the boy was thanking her. Her, who condemned his mother, who destroyed his home.

Hange closed her eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath. She gripped the chair under her tightly, quelling the trembling. She would not break, not in front of him.

“What do you want, Levi?” she glanced at him beneath her hair. “What do you wish to hear? That I reveled in every death? That I sneaked out to the island to dance at Erwin’s grave?”

Levi pressed his lips in a line, a deep scowl forming on his forehead.

It was the same expression he had when looking at Zeke, Hange realized.

She thought her heart couldn’t break anymore. Apparently, he was wrong.

“I’m just wondering,” he said. “If there was ever anything sincere in you. Have you even felt something? After all these deaths, do you at least feel guilty?”

“If that’s what you think of me?” she looked him in the eyes, surprised to see something coming alive inside them. “If I’m a monster you think I am, what was the point of bringing me here? Why haven’t you just killed me? Surely that would have given you some peace of mind.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Levi surged forward, grabbing her by the collar. His grey eyes bore in hers with intensity that she had rarely seen. Inside them was an emotion she couldn’t quite decipher. “Shut your stupid mouth, four-eyes. Do you really not get it? After everything you put me through, after all these fucking lies, I’d still rather die than harm you.”

He pushed her away, turning on his heels and storming out of the cell. To the sound of his quick, heavy steps, Hange slowly slid to the ground. Her knees gave under her, as she realized – it was not anger that she had seen in Levi’s eyes.

It was pain.

“Fuck,” she murmured, hiding her face in her hands.