#i mean this chapter is genuinely interesting i might have to talk about the book as a whole more at some point

[punctuation-completionist]

going to pick up my ten milligrams of semicolons the doctors prescribed me

. , :

3/22

[supersoakerfullofblood]

Point of View: the Biggest Thing You're Missing!

Point of view is one of the most important elements of narrative fiction, especially in our modern writing climate, but you rarely hear it seriously discussed unless you go to school for writing; rarely do help blogs or channels hit on it, and when they do, it's never as in-depth as it should be. This is my intro to POV: what you're probably missing out on right now and why it matters. There are three essential parts of POV that we'll discuss.

Person: This is the easiest part to understand and the part you probably know already. You can write in first person (I/me), second (You), and third person (He/she/they). You might hear people talk about how first person brings the reader closer to the central character, and third person keeps them further away, but this isn't true (and will be talked about in the third part of this post!) You can keep the reader at an intimate or alien distance to a character regardless of which person you write in. The only difference--and this is arguable--is that first person necessitates this intimacy where third person doesn't, but you still can create this intimacy in third person just as easily. In general, third person was the dominant (and really the only) tense until the late 19th century, and first person grew in popularity with the advent of modernism, and nowadays, many children's/YA/NA books are written in first person (though this of course doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't write those genres in the third person). Second person is the bastard child. Don't touch it, even if you think you're clever, for anything the length of a novel. Shorter experimental pieces can use it well, but for anything long, its sounds more like a gimmick than a genuine stylistic choice.

Viewpoint Character: This is a simple idea that's difficult in practice. Ask yourself who is telling your story. This is typically the main character, but it needn't be. Books like The Book Thief, The Great Gatsby, Rebecca, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and the Sherlock series are told from the perspective of a side character who isn't of chief importance to the narrative. Your viewpoint character is this side character, the character the reader is seeing the world through, so the main character has to be described through them. This isn't a super popular narrative choice because authors usually like to write from the perspective of their most interesting character, but if you think this choice could fit your story, go for it! You can also swap viewpoint characters throughout a story! A word of warning on that: only change your viewpoint character during a scene/chapter break. Switching mid-scene without alerting the reader (and even when you do alert the reader) will cause confusion. I guarantee it.

Means of Perception; or, the Camera: This part ties the first two together. If you've ever heard people talk about an omniscient, limited, etc. narrator, this is what they mean. This part also includes the level of intimacy the reader has with the viewpoint character: are we in their heads, reading their thoughts, or are we so far away that we can only see their actions? If your story is in a limited means of perception, you only have access to your character's head, eyes, and interpretations, where an omniscient narrator sees through all characters' heads at once. (This doesn't eliminate the viewpoint character--most of your writing will still be in that character's head, but you're allowed to reach into other characters' thoughts when needed. You could also be Virginia Woolf, who does fluidly move through everyone's perspectives without a solid viewpoint character, but I would advise against this unless you really are a master of the craft.) Older novels skew towards third person omniscient narration, where contemporary novels skew towards first person limited. You also have a spectrum of "distant" and "close." If omniscient and limited are a spectrum of where the camera can swivel to, distant and close is a spectrum of how much the camera can zoom in and out. Distant only has access to the physical realities of the world and can come off as cold, and close accesses your character's (or characters', if omniscient) thoughts. Notice how I said narration. Your means of perception dramatically effects how your story can be told! Here's a scene from one of my stories rewritten in third-person distant omniscient. The scene is a high school football game:

“Sometimes,” he said. “Not much anymore.” “It’s not better, then?” She shivered; the wind blew in. “A little.” His tone lifted. “I don’t know if it’ll ever be better, though.” She placed a hand on his arm, stuttered there, and slipped her arm around his waist. “Did it help to be on your own?” He raised an eyebrow. “You were there.” “Yes and no.” “And the guys, the leaders.” “Come on,” she heckled. “Okay, okay.” Carmen sighed. “Yeah, it helped. I don’t think—I don’t know—I’d be me if they’d fixed it all.” She grinned. “And who might you be?” “Oh, you know. Scared, lonely.” He fired them haphazardly, and a bout of laughter possessed him which Piper mirrored. “Impatient.” “And that’s a good thing?” “No.” He sat straight. “Gosh, no. But I don’t want to be like him, either.” He pointed to the field; Devon recovered a fumbled ball. “He’s never been hurt in his life.” She met his eyes, which he pulled away. “You don’t mean that," Piper said. “Maybe not. He’s too confident, though.” The cloth of Carmen's uniform caved and expanded under Piper's fingers.

With distant-omniscient, we only get the bare actions of the scene: the wind blows in, Piper shivers, the cloth rises and falls, Carmen points, etc. But you can tell there's some emotional and romantic tension in the scene, so let's highlight that with a first person limited close POV:

“Sometimes,” he said. “Not much anymore.” “It’s not better, then?” Frost spread up from her legs and filled her as if she were perforated rock, froze and expanded against herself so that any motion would disturb a world far greater than her, would drop needles through the mind’s fabric. A misplaced word would shatter her, shatter him. “A little.” His tone lifted. “I don’t know if it’ll ever be better, though.” She placed a hand on his arm, thought better, and slipped her arm around his waist. “Did it help to be on your own?” He raised an eyebrow. “You were there.” “Yes and no.” “And the guys, the leaders.” “Come on,” she heckled. “Okay, okay.” Carmen sighed. “Yeah, it helped. I don’t think—I don’t know—I’d be me if they’d fixed it all.” She grinned. “And who might you be?” “Oh, you know. Scared, lonely.” He fired them haphazardly, and a bout of laughter possessed him which Piper mirrored. “Impatient.” “And that’s a good thing?” “No.” He sat straight. “Gosh, no. But I don’t want to be like him, either.” He pointed to the field; Devon recovered a fumbled ball. “He’s never been hurt in his life.” “You don’t mean that.” She spoke like a jaded mother, spoke with some level of implied authority, and reminded herself again to stop. “Maybe not. He’s too confident, though.” Piper felt the cloth of his waist cave and expand under her fingers and thought: is this not confidence?

Here, we get into Piper's thoughts and physical sensations: how the frost rises up her, and how this sensation of cold is really her body expressing her nervous fears; how she "thought better" and put her arm around his waist; her thought "is this not confidence?"; and how she reminds herself not to talk like a mother. Since I was writing from the close, limited perspective of a nervous high schooler, I wrote like one. If I was writing from the same perspective but with a child or an older person, I would write like them. If you're writing from those perspectives in distant narration, however, you don't need to write with those tones but with the authorial tone of "the narrator."

This is a lot of info, so let's synthesize this into easy bullet points to remember.

Limited vs. Omniscient. Are you stuck to one character's perspective per scene or many?

Close vs. Distant. Can you read your characters' thoughts or only their external worlds? Remember: if you can read your character's thoughts, you also need to write like you are that character experiencing the story. If child, write like child; if teen, write like teen; etc.

Here's another way to look at it!

This is a confusing and complex topics, so if you have any questions, hit up my ask box, and I'll answer as best I can. The long and short of it is to understand which POV you're writing from and to ruthlessly stick to it. If you're writing in limited close, under no circumstances should you describe how a character other than your viewpoint character is feeling. Maintaining a solid POV is necessary to keeping the dream in the reader's head. Don't make them stumble by tripping up on POV!

[velvetvexations]

I just want to rant about my least favourite Julia Serano post/passage/concept, because as a transmasc nonbinary person this genuinely raises my blood pressure. Sorry about how long this is lmao

Link: https ://juliaserano.blogspot.com/2014/02/what-is-subversivism.html

It's her concept of "subversivism": bigotry that posits trans people as non-subversive, and compliant with the social order of patriarchy. Essentially, it's the impossible expectation that trans people should always be subversive to gender norms in everything they do. TERFs do this a lot, by claiming that the existence of trans people who happen to fit a gender stereotype (e.g. a trans woman w/ feminine interests, a nonbinary person that dresses androgynously) mean they support gender roles.

This is a really good concept! It's very useful for explaining how anti-trans activists, particularly TERFs, talk about trans people.

The only problem is that instead of talking about her own experiences with subversivism, or using some kind of source as an example of how subversivism works, she spends most of the post/chapter making harmful assertions with no basis in reality. Specifically, she asserts that transmasculine people are seen as more subversive than transfeminine people, and that genderqueer or GNC people benefit from subversivism. And she doesn't even attempt to have a source for it, because if she talked to a single transmasculine or nonbinary person about subversivism, they would tell her that they've experienced it too. Hell, even if she just looked at how TERFs talk about transmasculine and nonbinary people, she'd see that subversivism is a common tactic. So the piece is filled with bigoted bullshit.

In one part she notes that masculinity is associated with power/boldness, but femininity is associated with weakness/timidness. And she suggests that may be why transfeminine people are seen as non-subversive, which is true! But that's also the exact reason why transmasculine people are also seen as non-subversive: in a TERF's eyes, transmascs want to go from weak femininity to powerful masculinity, which is seen as the "easy way out" of misogyny. Later, she mentions transmasculine people being supposedly welcomed into queer and feminist spaces, but fails to consider that often this "acceptance" is often contingent on being misgendered and treated as a woman. (I think some of your more recent reblogs have also talked about this). In her more recent book, she even refers to subversivism as "compulsory genderqueerness". This is clearly meant as a nod to the concept of compulsory heterosexuality. But genderqueer is not in any way a privileged identity like heterosexuality, and it's extremely offensive to suggest that it is! Some studies even indicate that nonbinary/genderqueer people have worse mental health than binary trans people. (Unlike her, I have a source for that: https ://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11930-017-0111-8).

And what's most frustrating to me is that she knows better! Like, it'd be one thing if this was just a tumblr post by a random trans person. But Julia Serano is a published academic, and very well respected in the trans community. She has done legitimately good work, too - her work on debunking AGP and ROGD is a genuinely good resource. So she knows full well that sweeping statements like the ones she makes in this piece need a source. In the blog post she magically remembers how to use sources when she talks about oppression of bi people, which makes it all the more frustrating. And the thing is, I'd also be fine with it if she didn't mention transmasculine or nonbinary people at all, and only talked about her own experiences. I'm not even asking to be included, just to be… not demonised, or gaslighted about my own experiences of transphobia!

Now, Whipping Girl was published over 15 years ago, and she might have changed her opinion since then. But she pretty clearly hasn't, since she was reposting her passage from Whipping Girl about it on Twitter a few months ago! That's how I found out about it in the first place. Honestly, it's a testament to how pervasive anti-transmasculinity and anti-nonbinary rhetoric are in the trans community that Whipping Girl is regarded as a core text for transfeminism, but I've barely seen anyone else talk about the blatant misinformation in it.

Anyway that's the end of my rant, sorry it's so long but I could write so much about this lmao

What is velvetvexations.tumblr.com if not a place to complain about Whipping Girl? You're valid, anon.

It's really not hard to tell why so many people who worship her do the same thing where they compulsively compare everything to how much better they very wrongly believe non-trans women have it. Even if she doesn't personally believe the exact same things her attitudes have bare minimum greatly influenced this bullshit and she needs to reign it in.

Like, is it bad to place responsibility on her like that? To say she needs to put in time and effort countering these things and educating herself where need be? I don't think so. She is, evidently, the Queen of Transfeminism, she, apparently, wrote the transfeminism Bible, as far as I'm concerned it's her job to climb back into the trenches when people start abusing her shit.

[yuri-is-online]

You Simple Vile Monstrosity: Rook and the Flowers of Evil

My other two dumb history posts have at least a semblance of fun fact to them, but this is mostly going to be literary analysis and some theory. There's some interesting stuff here sure, but I don't really think it adds much to the overall landscape of twst theories. But it does make Rook make more sense to me so I am making this post anyway.

So without further ado, if you are like me and enjoy reading twst theories, you might know that the beginning lines of Twisted Wonderland are something we have been debating the meaning of since the game came out really. While I think we have been closing in on their true meaning as Chapter 7 progresses along, the phrase "Flowers of Evil" can actually refer to something specific: a french poetry collection of the same name (Les Fleurs du mal in french) by a poet name Charles Baudelaire originally published in 1857. The collection was extremely controversial, but today it is highly lauded and has inspired several other literary works, including a manga series by Shūzō Oshimi of the same name. I found out about the poetry collection while working on this request and finally finished reading it... and another essay by Baudelaire for reasons we can talk about later on in the post. For now let's talk poetry.

Beauté! 100 Points!

I don't speak french, so I read an English translation done by Aaron Poochigian that does contain the original french text in the back half of the book. The Flowers of Evil is split into seven-ish parts: The Flowers of Evil (just containing "To the Reader"), Spleen and the Ideal, Parisian Scenes, Wine, Flowers of Evil (again but with 12 poems this time), Revolt, and then Death. The sections are more or less organized by the subject of the poems, Spleen and the Ideal is the largest with Baudelaire musing over what the ideal concept of beauty is while Wine deals with getting drunk (on wine mostly if you can believe it.) One of the things that jumps out very quickly about Baudelaire's work is that his concept of beauty is almost synonymous with his concept of evil. He writes a lot about maggots eating corpses, about decay, he has a few poems that talk about vampires appearing to be the highest form of beauty but really being husks of rotted flesh; it's all very much about this acceptance that evil is a part of life and human nature, so therefore there must be beauty in it. The concept of "ideal beauty" must by it's nature be divorced from the concept of "morality." When Rook talks about the potential for Leona or Malleus to kill him and how beautiful that would be, I think he means the act of destruction itself would be beautiful. The circumstances surrounding it and the consequences of it are irrelevant to the concept; this is also why while he initially says he cannot find the crimson lotuses in GloMas beautiful Deuce accuses him of doing just that after everything is said and done. He cannot find beauty in Rollo's actions, but the visual and the fight are beautiful because of the effort he and the other students put in to stop them. And perhaps most importantly, it's why he is willing to drink Vil's poison and look upon what is supposedly ultimate ugliness and say "In this moment you are the fairest of them all." Because how could an act born out of such raw and genuine emotion be anything but?

Le Chasseur D'Armour, The Hunter of Love

Baudelaire wasn't just a poet, he fancied himself a critic and wrote multiple essays, the one I read for this post is The Painter of Modern Life. Which is actually a collection of several but they are all related, and I was directed to them by this wordpress post. In it, Baudelaire muses over how things can be both beautiful and ugly, and why:

"Beauty is made up of an eternal, invariable element, whose quantity it is excessively difficult to determine, and of a relative, circumstantial element... which severally or all at once, the age, its fashions, its morals, its emotions."

He was talking about fashion plates that depicted outdated costumes, but his point was more or less that if you strictly look at the design of the costume they look ridiculous: ugly. But when you take into account their historical value (these particular plates were all from the around the time of the French revolution) they become exceedingly important: beautiful. He also mentions in this same essay the importance of not just taking into account the opinions of so called "masters" and sneers at people who think they understand what is beautiful just because they have seen a painting done by a professional:

"... to declare that Raphael, or Racine, does not contain the whole secret, and that minor poets too have something good, solid and delightful to offer... that we might love general beauty, as it is expressed by classical poets and artists, we are no less wrong to neglect particular beauty, the beauty of circumstance and the sketch of manners."

In chapter 5, while helping Vil judge the auditions for VDC, Rook gives every audition 100 points because, well, in his mind they are all an example of perfect beauty specifically because they are the work of amateurs, and that is no less valuable to him or less worthy of praise that the work of the master. Now granted he clearly does value professional quality (he did have reasons for voting for Neige other than being a massive simp. Valid ones even if loosing does sting) but that's only in the context of strict rules and guidelines. When Rook is asked for his opinion, while he certainly does believe there is an absolute, academic definition beauty, he doesn't place any value on where that beauty comes from. Baudelaire muses over how human life "accidentally" puts mysterious beauty into the world, and the true appreciator of beauty must make himself not strictly a poet but:

"...an observer of life, and only later set himself the task of acquiring the means of expressing it... For most of us... the fantastic reality of life has become singularly diluted. [But he] never ceases to drink it in; his eyes and memories are full of it."

I strongly dislike suggesting in these posts that xyz is "the definitive reason" for why a character acts the way that he does, but I do think it is very interesting how well this describes Rook's ethos. He thinks of himself as a hunter, but in order to do that he needs to observe. Sure he takes it to exceptionally extreme lengths, but it makes him one of the most lively members of the NRC cast. Baudelaire is right, there are a million things about life we miss on a day to day basis wherein true beauty lies, but Rook sees all of it. His eyes, memories, camera, and secret photo albums are fit to burst with it.

My Noble and Beautiful Flower of Evil

I mentioned the opening text at the beginning of this post, and I stand by my interpretation that the phrase "flower of evil" it uses likely is not a specific reference to any of the poems themselves... beyond the obvious note that it is a collection of poems about finding beauty in, well, evil and most of the characters are based off of villains.

But there was something that started gnawing at me when I read the introduction to my translation, which was written by a poet named Dana Gioia. It was a very well written summary of Baudelaire's life and the significance of his work, but it mentioned a connection that I have seen brought up in twst theorizing before: Edgar Allen Poe.

You see, Baudelaire was obsessed with Poe. To the point that (according to the introduction) "He considered Poe a sacred martyr for art and referred to him as 'Saint Edgar.' In his morning devotions, Baudelaire prayed first to God and then to Poe."

I have nothing to say on that (because really what could you) but the point that Gioia wanted to make in that introduction was that Poe had a massive influence on Baudelaire's writing style. He wrote multiple essays on his work and translated them into French because he felt like Poe deserved the recognition, so while Gioia used this to argue that Poe's influence on Baudelaire shouldn't be underestimated...

I can't find the post, but someone was talking about how Malleus's mother's name Meleanor is very similar to "Lenore" and I recall people sort of brushing that connection off. I don't that name is a coincidence. I think the poem "Lenore" might very well have been something thought about when constructing her character, and that the themes in Poe's work might be very relevant to the overall story of Twisted Wonderland.

Something about ravens and telltale hearts just feels like they fit; maybe we have got it all wrong and Yuu's visions aren't coming from the mirror in Ramshackle, but the floorboards.

Semi- Unrelated Fun Facts:

If you read the name Baudelaire and thought to yourself it sounded familiar, you might have be thinking of the Baudelaire children from A Series of Unfortunate Events. This isn't exactly a coincidence as the author of the series admits to his writing being heavily influenced by Charles Baudelaire to the point he actually wrote the afterword to the translation I own.

Dana Gioia is the former Poet Laureate of the state of California, something that deeply confused me. Apparently the Governor of California appoints someone to a 2 year term and they travel around the state to promote poetry and literacy which is apparently something that 46/50 U.S. states and D.C. does to????

My glorious motherland of Pennsylvania is not one of these states, apparently we only ever appointed one, then eliminated the position entirely after he retired, and then started just. Handing out ones to people in individual cities and counties. Which is so par for the course here I don't know why I am surprised.

One of the first things any college level literature course will try to drill into you is that you don't examine the life of an author when examining their work. It might sound silly, but I think Baudelaire is a great example of why that's important. The man was addicted to drugs and sex, refused to get a "real job", lived off his inheritance from his wealthy father and eventually whatever money he could convince his mother to send him his entire adult life, and had her use her political connections to bail him out of legal trouble multiple times.

If I thought too hard about that it would make his lines in "Skeleton Laborers" (Nothingness is treacherous.//Even Death is a deceiver.//Alas, forever and ever,//work may be awaiting us) fall terribly flat, which I think does them a disservice. The man was very talented and I am glad he wrote them because I felt very seen when I read them.

Baudelaire opened his publication with a note to the reader, but he made it a full poem entitled "To the Reader." I liked the ending stanza so much I used a version of it to title my blog, and eventually my current masterlist: (Boredom! Moist-eyed, he dreams, while pulling on//a hookah pipe, of guillotine-cleft necks.//You, reader, know this tender freak of freaks-//hypocrite reader-mirror-man-mytwin!)

Likewise the title of this post is also taken from part of a poem, "Hymn to Beauty" (Beauty, you simple, vile monstrosity,//I cannot care about your origin,//provided that your gaze, smile, feet show me//a sweet infinity I have never known.) I think that fits Rook's ideals rather well, don't you?

[lex-confessions]

I'll say this: When Feyre talks about Elain and Azriel, she suggests that Azriel might be what Elain needs, but she doesn't confirm that Elain is what Azriel needs. They are just two people who are close in proximity, tend to be comfortable around one another, and yes, there's mutual attraction. However, that's because Elain is described as objectively beautiful, and so is Azriel, so it would be weird if they weren’t attracted to one another - at least aesthetically.

---

Now, I can’t remember if I read it in the books or maybe saw a comment about it, but I know there’s one scene—I think it’s in A Court of Frost and Starlight—where Azriel tells Cassian to wait because Elain isn’t at the table. Like I said, I couldn’t remember if it’s in the books, briefly mentioned somewhere, or just an afterthought someone had.

But hear me out: Azriel’s attraction to Elain might be because she reminds him of his mother, and he’s confusing familial love with deep romantic love. Actually, I know he is because not only are they not mates, but they haven’t been around each other long enough to fall in love like that, especially with Elain being practically comatose during the first half of her experience in Prythian. Obviously, they converse and hang out, but I think their knowledge of one another is not as deep as either Azriel projects it to be or as some Elriel fans perceive it to be.

This doesn’t mean I don’t think they may get together, although I would hope not. Considering the situation, it’s just too messy. There’s so much at stake to want to try to figure things out with Elain right now. It’s not the right climate for this, and I hope Azriel wouldn’t pursue it. If everything we’ve learned about him is true, I don’t think he would do it anyway. Even though Rhys explains the complexities involving the mating bond with the Autumn Court and the potential for Azriel and Lucien to challenge each other, it’s too much to handle. We’ve just finished a war; Rhys literally died. The way people act like Rhys was unreasonable for saying that baffles me, but it makes perfect sense. There’s too much going on for Azriel to be messy, especially when Elain isn’t even his mate—she’s someone else’s mate.

If Sarah decides to explore their dynamic on that level, I think they might be each other’s lesson. In A Court of War and Ruin, Elain was still completely brokenhearted over losing her human love. To pivot to Azriel that quickly—come on, we’ve all done it. We pretend the rebound guy is some great love, and then when the actual love happens, we think, "What was that?"

Azriel has a terrible sense of self-worth, which is why he goes after unavailable females. He’ll never actually have to confront feeling worthy; he can just fulfill his prophecy that they won’t want him by choosing unavailable females. Putting Elain and Azriel together would stunt any sort of character growth. If Tamlin, for God's sake, gets character growth, then Elain and Azriel should too. Otherwise, it’s just fan service.

---

Now, when talking about Azriel and Gwyn, I noticed that they complement each other really well just in their abilities alone. Gwyn seems genuinely interested in getting to know Azriel—not just staring at him or sitting next to him in silence, but genuinely asking questions and waiting for his response to build on what she knows about him. One of them is humanizing him, and it’s not Elain. I think Azriel has spent most of his life, especially his childhood, being dehumanized. The way Gwyn chooses to humanize him is not a coincidence, and I don't think it’s unimportant. If it were, Sarah would not have written that bonus chapter. But she did write the bonus chapter and gave it to us to read.

I get confused when people pull up interviews and say that Elain and Azriel are endgame when Sarah has put in so many different things to suggest otherwise. I don’t know why people negate the bonus chapter or argue that Elain and Azriel should be together just because they kissed. Maybe they don’t finish it, because the ending of that chapter is far more important than a heated secret kiss in the hallway. It's similar to how in "A Court of Thorns and Roses," Rhys’s intervention ended up being way more important than Feyre and Tamlin’s heated secret kiss in the hallway.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

I absolutely adore your content! I was wondering if you’d like to share your thoughts on a few things I noticed in SOC and CK.

In chapter 3 of SOC, Kaz says that he is bothered by the fact that Inej can vanish so completely- not even leaving behind a scent. Why does this bother him?

In CK, after rescuing Inej from Van Eck, Kaz notices that Inej found soap to bathe with. What does it mean that he can notice her scent now?

When Van Eck is torturing her, Inej promises herself that she will cut out his heart. In the end, though, it’s Pekka Rollins’ heart she begins to cut out. Why Rollins heart? And what would Kaz do or think if he ever found out about what Inwj did to Rollins? Sorry for the long ask. Would love to hear your thoughts.

Thank you so much!! I’m really intrigued by these because they aren’t things I’ve thought about before, but I’ll absolutely have a go at tackling them!!

I think Inej’s ability to disappear, with that particular emphasis on her scent, could easily go hand in hand with the idea of everything Kaz has ever loved so easily slipping through his fingers. If Inej disappeared completely it would be as if she never existed in the first place, not even leaving behind a scent, and I think that concept terrifies Kaz because he has had to live for 8 years watching the world move on as if Jordie never existed, literally erasing him with Kaz barely clinging to life being the only thing that eventually leads Rollins to having any memory of the boys at all. When Inej goes to Rollins and the end of Crooked Kingdom, he identifies her not by her name but as “the Wraith” or “Brekker’s little Suli girl” and I think that’s once again commemorative of the way he doesn’t see people; he sees properties, money, opportunities. His immediate assumption is that Inej has not come of her own volition but has been sent by Brekker, and he also assumes that he can convince her not do it by buying her out - “Whatever he’s paying you, I’ll double it”. Although Rollins likes to glorify himself by comparing himself to Van Eck, he has failed to realise that Inej’s loyalty to Kaz transcends any cost or debt, whereas it took Van Eck all of three minutes to realise the way the pair feel towards each other - “I wonder which will prove more effective, torturing Mr Brekker or making him watch as I torture you”.

I therefore wonder whether noticing the scent of the soap is important because it cements Inej in the real world; in these moments Kaz is vulnerable because his mad pursuit of Inej has left him feeling as though the others can see exactly what he’s thinking about her, his soul laid bare if you will, that no matter how much he claims that it’s all about the job there’s no way he hasn’t heard the others talking about his reaction to losing her. In this moment, when he feels like everything could slip from his grasp and he could lose his sense of reality, it’s Inej - the very thing he’s so terrified of losing - that tethers him to the world by so genuinely and obstinately existing. That might be a bit of reach, I dunno

And then the cutting out of the heart - I love that comparison, I’d never noticed that!!!! That could absolutely be another red herring mixed in with a clever twist of foreshadowing (I made a post about red herrings and foreshadowing in these books if anyone’s interested it’s on my page). It could also link to what Inej said to Van Eck on the bridge at the hostage exchange: “You will see me once more, but only once”. They then see each other after the auction, when Dunyasha’s body is on the ground and Inej is stood on the roof watching them. I think it’s possible that these are different kinds of threats for different kinds of men; Van Eck feared Inej because he saw her as “a thug” and “a blight on this city”, his expectation of her were violence and brutality, so she instead meets him with dignity, eloquence, and grace that elevates her above her societal station and directly juxtaposes the violence and torture that he perpetuates despite his supposed status and civility. In comparison, Rollins expects that no-one can be as tough as he is, no-one is as strong or as frightening as he can be. He expects Inej to be a “little Suli girl”, an unworthy adversary who speaks in riddles of “depressing Suli wisdom” and whom, despite the talent that he does not deny her, is ultimately just “some scrap of a girl from the Menagerie”. So she meets him with violence; she proves her strength and her courage, particularly emphasised by Rollins’ realisation that he hadn’t actually felt pain for a long time, saying “No-one had dared to raise a hand against him in years”, and in doing so solidifies herself as far more than the narrow role he defines her by.

Anyway, those are all spur of the moment thoughts as I hadn’t considered these ideas before I read your question, but I absolutely loved writing it and it was so fun to think about so thank you very much, and I’m so glad you like my posts! :)))

[lucky-clover-gazette]

captive prince book 1 highlights & annotations

chapter 5

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

Laurent moved off a few steps. Damen saw him lift a hand to the back of his own neck, as if to release tension. Saw him do nothing for a moment but stand and be quiet and breathe the cool air scented with night flowers. It occurred to Damen for the first time that Laurent might have his own reasons for wanting to escape the attention of the court.

i appreciate this hint of their future dynamic :)

A silence opened up around Laurent’s words. In it, their meaning changed. Herode began, ‘I—’ Then he looked at Damen, and his expression grew alarmed. ‘Is this safe? He’s broken his leash. Guard!’

context: laurent needs herode to think that damen deserved the flogging, so he took him somewhere private and broke his bindings, framing damen as disobedient. nice moment ruined >:(

‘If you’re concerned that my memory for wrongs against me is longer than ten months,’ said Laurent, ‘there’s no need for anxiety. I am sure you can persuade me you were genuinely mistaken.’

translation: “make it up to me, disloyal coward.” the way laurent deals with this person, who lacks loyalty and integrity, foreshadows how much he will struggle to hate damen, who has more loyalty and integrity than any sane person probably should

‘How thoughtful of you, Councillor,’ said Laurent. ‘He turned to Damen and said in a melting voice, ‘Your back must hurt terribly.’ ‘It’s fine,’ said Damen. ‘Kneel on the ground, then,’ Laurent said.

absolutely no strategy here, laurent just sucks. "oh you're comfortable for once? let's see what i can do about that." also the fact that laurent is trying to appear likable to herode but still cannot resist being a bitch to damen is sooo funny

His best feature was a pair of amazing blue eyes, unmatched by any Damen had ever seen, except for the ones he had recently been staring into.

damen has a talent for thirsting over laurent in the most backhanded manner possible

His skin was fair and his curling light brown hair was burnished with gold. He was exactly the type that Damen could have drawn down onto the sheets and spent a very pleasant couple of hours enjoying.

damen likes blondes mention #4. erasmus barely scrapes by, but the word “gold” tells us everything we need to know

‘Well?’ Laurent said. ‘Can you couple adequately, or do you just kill things?’

god he sucks. also, “adequate.”

Damen thought that given the choice between the lash and a conversation with Laurent, he might actually choose the lash.

‘He’s not very talkative,’ remarked Vannes. ‘It comes and goes,’ said Laurent.

laurent continues to shoulder the burden of being the funniest bitch in this entire court

Damen was sickened by the idea of some nobleman’s boy offering himself up to be hurt on the assumption that it would play to Laurent’s tastes. Then he thought of all he knew of Laurent, and only felt sicker, because of course the boy’s assumptions were probably correct.

context: i don’t think laurent is an equal-opportunity sadist, or even a sadist at all. he just really hates damen specifically, and mirrors the viciousness of his culture to survive

If there was anything explicit on view, it must be the absence of all desire to be where he was.

the garden scene. okay. 

first, context: a possible explanation for laurent volunteering damen could be a desire to see him experience a similar situation to his own abuse from his uncle, since damen is the reason laurent lost his protector. however, that doesn’t quite sound right to me, because wouldn’t seeing this whole tableau just re-traumatize laurent? then again, laurent’s life in the veretian court is pretty much endless re-traumatization, all day every day. so i suppose in his mind, he might as well get something out of his own shitty circumstances, and that something in this case is revenge. misery loves company, after all. 

also, sex to laurent is a matter of control and power, rather than love or pleasure. so to him, both this and the fighting ring might feel the same as any other kind of violence. he doesn’t care about the additional violation that sexual assault carries towards his enemies—and at the end of the day, laurent knows that he himself has probably been through worse. 

the exception to this is nicaise, or anyone else who laurent deems innocent and disempowered. those people, he will try to protect to the very best of his ability. but at this point in the series, laurent sees damen not only as a shitty person, but also a shitty person with power. he knows that damen is not a slave, but a prince. a prince who keeps slaves of his own. so in laurent-brain, i can see how this could be twisted into something justifiable. or just not worth justifying at all.

it still isn’t right, though. they could have done this and been just as horny about it with, like, dubious consent rather than none. i think i would feel more comfortable finding elements of this scene hot if that were the case, but i respect and appreciate that the point of this book is not simply to Be Hot. and to be fair—instant gratification, moral simplicity, and straightforward execution are not very compelling qualities for an erotic scene to possess. i’m just glad that the rest of the sex-adjacent scenes in this series between damen and laurent are explicitly consensual, because this scene would be harder to accept within the series’s ethical framework and the development of their love story if it happened multiple times.

i want to analyze the craft here, but i feel uncomfortable dissecting what i know to be a non-consensual scene in order to determine what makes it hot. but i also know, undeniably, that the events of this scene are hot, and that hotness was almost certainly written on purpose. 

for me, the hotness does not come from the lack of consent itself, but rather the action and dialogue happening on the page. i don’t think the lack of consent is necessarily meant to be hot here—it’s the absolute insanity of laurent’s approach to oral sex, and the power dynamic it creates, that makes the scene memorable. and those elements could easily be reproduced in a consensual scene and have the same effect. so i want to study those elements specifically, to see how they work as erotic writing, removed from the parts that don’t. 

tl;dr: the garden scene is unequivocally non-consensual. however, it is written in a way that eroticizes the circumstances. i can still study the writing where it is effective without finding the circumstances of the scene morally justifiable or hot, in fiction or real life. 

anyway. i'm trying to study the craft of scenes like this, so i'm going full analysis on this one. garden scene, summarized:  

setup: laurent is rumored to be frigid and does not partake in the sexual activities of veretian nobility. yet he goes along with this tableau, allowing damen to be used as a participant. i do not think that this is for laurent’s own sexual gratification, because i don’t think laurent is in touch with his own sexuality in general. sex means something different to laurent than it does to damen, and the other characters in the scene, and (i’d hope) to the reader as well.

beginning: ancel isn’t damen’s type. damen has no strong feelings about ancel as a person. he is not attracted to ancel’s frivolity or weak will. being serviced by ancel is not doing anything for damen. he feels smug about this. it gives him power over laurent, who has permitted this tableau in order to emphasize the power he has over damen.

then: laurent—who is damen’s type, his worst enemy, and the reason he’s in this situation in the first place—starts coaching ancel on how to give head. laurent is completely methodical and detached with his instructions, and is clearly focusing on psychologically tormenting damen, rather than getting off on the display. in other words, he is neither frivolous nor weak-willed. he’s exactly the opposite. 

meanwhile: damen, our pov character, is no longer immune to whatever the fuck is going on in this scene. he is into this and can’t hide it. he has lost the power he briefly had over laurent, and now possesses even less power than he started with. not only is he owned by laurent in the technical sense, but he is being owned by laurent in the horny sense too. 

and i believe that the intention is for the reader to understand how he's feeling—not to blame him for his interest, because this situation is clearly compelling, to damen and possibly the person reading. laurent’s ability to essentially mindfuck damen across the room, fully clothed, is honestly insane. cs pacat herself says that about laurent in a commentary video—he’s a mindfucker. it’s intentional and it’s the focal point of the scene. much later on in the series, i think damen even admits that he was paying attention to laurent the whole time. it’s hot. it just is. 

i’ll point out more specific things in the following passages, but that’s the gist of it. i'm cringing so hard posting this publicly, but if heterosexual women on booktok can post their whole-ass face and gps location while fangirling over colleen hoover sex scenes, i think i can share my messy gay mindfucking analysis on a website that hasn't been a part of the public consciousness since like 2017

Laurent was watching Damen’s face with the same cerebral attention that he might apply to a strategic problem. ‘He likes that. Do it harder,’ said Laurent.

craft note: laurent openly observes damen’s responses, notices exactly what works, tells ancel to do that specifically because “he likes it,” and that turns damen on even more

personal note: oh my god

Damen could feel his thighs tighten, then, minutely, spread, his breath quickening in his chest... He turned towards Laurent. It was a mistake to look at him. Even in the shadows of evening, Damen could see the relaxed arrangement of Laurent’s body, the marmoreal perfection of his features, and the detached unconcern with which he gazed at Damen, not bothering to so much as glance down at Ancel’s moving head.

craft note: damen loses his resolve, looks to laurent for mercy, and is just even more mindfucked by the fact that laurent is completely unaffected, not even interested at all

If you believed the Prince’s Guard, Laurent was the impregnable citadel, and took no lovers at all. Right now Laurent gave the impression of a mind somewhat engaged, and a body wholly aloof, untouched by ardour. The ribald fancy of the Prince’s Guard held a kernel of plausibility. On the other hand, the aloof, untouched Laurent was at this moment delivering a precise treatise on cocksucking.

god, this is SO fucking good. damen is basically admitting that he can’t believe laurent is entirely sexless, because he is managing to fuck him without even having sex at all.

craft note: that is the perfect moment to insert a crass word, after paragraphs of more clinical descriptions. i love that the only time we hear “cocksucking” in this scene is in reference to laurent not actually sucking cock, while it is (intentionally, i assume) not used in reference to the actual cocksucking that’s happening on the page. 

also, "precise treatise" cracks me up, as someone currently writing what could be considered a precise treatise on this scene.

The image of Ancel... was joined in his fragmenting thoughts by the sudden harsh desire to get his hands on Laurent’s body and exact revenge—both for his actions and for his airy absence.

damen’s desire to get laurent’s attention because he wants to fight him, but also because he wants laurent to see him come… diabolical writing. craft. whatever. this is an objective and academic analysis.

Damen was... pushed back down onto his knees. Laurent was seated opposite, legs crossed. Damen’s eyes fixed on him, and looked nowhere else; his breathing was still noticeable, and his pulse rapid, but anger produced all the same effects.

who’s ancel?

additional thoughts on erotic elements in the garden scene: i think what i like here, is that… yeah, it’s horny. it’s indulgent, easily the most blatant instance of kink we’ve seen so far. but it’s not really what i think frequent readers of this kink genre would expect, or even want to read—it is a subversion, with laurent completely disrupting the basic scenario that everyone else (but damen) in the scene wants to mindlessly enjoy. 

but that subversion, to me, just makes it hotter. there’s physical stuff happening, sure, but the real eroticism comes from the words, emotions, and power exchange between laurent and damen. the scene doesn’t give the reader the simplicity of “someone topped, someone bottomed, here are several pages of mechanical description.” the actual sex act is described almost clinically, just how laurent dictates. and it’s definitely not as simple as who’s topping and who’s bottoming—whatever the fuck happens here is way weirder and messier than that, and so much more compelling. 

basically, i think that this scene fails to be hot in all the ways a reader of this kink genre would expect it to be hot. the real hotness comes from the bizarre subversion we get instead, that we just have to kind of accept without any closure or explanation. it’s either an unsexy sex scene, or a sexy not-sex scene. maybe it’s both. either way, it’s insane.

how can i replicate this? 

set up a thing that follows expectations. don’t actually do the thing. do something significantly more insane than the expected thing. do not elaborate on the insane thing, leaving more questions than answers, and move on as if it wasn’t insane at all. this is a good method for not-sex scenes, too.

Laurent, for his part, was relaxed, one arm spread out over the back of the bench.

laurent lean #4

‘I’ll offer for you, if you like. When the time comes. I wouldn’t want you in my bed, but you’d have all the same privileges. You might prefer that. I’d offer.’

context: this is the best possible way laurent can protect nicaise within the confines of their culture. and “you might prefer that”—laurent wants nicaise to be able to foster his intelligence and talents (his "privileges") as a growing person, without having to be a sexual object.

‘He gives them all up,’ said Laurent, ‘even if you’re more enterprising than the others have been.’ ‘He likes me better than the others.’ A scornful laugh. ‘You’re jealous.’ And then it was Nicaise’s turn to react to something he saw in Laurent’s face, and he said, with a horror Damen didn’t understand, ‘You’re going to tell him you want me.’ ‘Oh,’ said Laurent. ‘No. Nicaise . . . no. That would wreck you. I wouldn’t do that.’ Then his voice became almost tired. ‘Maybe it’s better if you think that I would. You have quite a good mind for strategy, to have thought of that. Maybe you will hold him longer than the others.’ For a moment it seemed as if Laurent would say something else, but in the end he just stood up from the bench, and held his hand out to the boy. ‘Come on. Let’s go. You can watch me get told off by my uncle.’

context: nicaise knows that anything laurent wants, his uncle will not let him have. believing that laurent hates him and would offer for him out of spite, nicaise takes the offer is a threat. laurent, who isn’t threatening him at all, realizes that nicaise is right. laurent’s attempts at protection would only get nicaise hurt. the best he can do is banter with the kid and look after him from a distance. this house is a fucking nightmare.

[false-cowboy]

Do you have any litrpg recs?

OH BOY DO I

I will attempt to give little descriptions but I'm not the best at writing so if nothing else I hope the names pique your interest! This post will be more personal opinion than direct plot summary, though if you'd like I can add those too

Noobtown: Humor is a bit high school boy especially in this first one, but it definitely gets some full body cackles outta me. Though this is a comedy series supposedly, it knows how to tug at your heart strings with some genuinely good characters and an interesting break of the system surrounding the book itself. More than anything, this shits Fun. It gets really interesting, Shart the demon is a pathetic mound of anger issues, Jim’s name is the equivalent of a dog’s in this world, all hail Badgalor king of the badgers, fuck the fecking puma forest.

Chaos Seeds: Classic of the genre, though definitely dated and the series degrades with the more recent books. Very nice magic system, one of the better uses I've seen, and the characters are notably very colorful/fun. Good fights and damn graphic, isn't afraid to be gruesome though there is a beating heart of humanity through the series I personally enjoy

Dungeon Crawler Carl (mix of LitRPG and apocalyptic dungeon elements, what it says on the tin): one of the best, and I mean BEST of this genre in my opinion. extraordinarily dark and horrifically funny. This shit will depress you as you giggle at it. But its just so damn good with some really nice underlying as well as overt commentary. More gorgeous character writing though here it's all Carl and the beautiful Princess Dount (his show winning, talking, cat whom deserves the universe in her paws) all the way. Very absurdist humor by the by, if that's your thing

Ascend Online (town builder litrpg): I mainly love this one for something that happens I think at the end of the first book though it might be the second. It sort of flips the magic system against our hero in a wonderfuly monstrous way. This one is Very Big, and honestly a little boring at times. But the game mechanics and magic system are drooling off of the page, begging to be thought about. Our main character is smart and resourceful, as a veteran of video games he capitalizes his knowlage for a satisfying build. If you’re really into game mechanics this shit was MADE for you, it is also just plain interesting. Good ideas and good fight scenes to go around for everyone! And mainly I just consider it a bit boring because I listened to the audiobook and the narrator read off the Entire Status Page ever like chapter which, if you're an avid LitRPG reader, you’ll understand the pain involved in such a thing

He Who Fights With Monsters: Another insanely long book, another absolute banger. While personally I'm not a fan of the series as it progresses, the first one is a full experience all on its own, lightning in a bottle to me. The main character is one of the best I’ve read about, the magic system is deliciously unique, the side characters are memorable as hell, but most of all I adore the worldbuilding in HWFWM SO fucking much. I have like full posts thirsting after it GOD. I could sit here and just talk. This is one of the best on the list to me, right up there with Dungeon Crawler Carl; even better in the side character department

Ritualist (The Completionist Chronicles): This one’s strengths are a surprising mix of absurdist comedy and a somewhat well thought out magic system. The writing is,,, Not The Best especially compared to some others, but it was a fun and very quick read, especially compared to some others on this list. a popcorn turn your brain off read

System Apocalypse (While most LitRPG exist in fantasy worlds, this one is a post-apocalyptic sci-fi vibe): This is another short one. It takes place in Canada and the main character is a ball of severe anger issues and angst, he has a very cool motorcycle and kicks hella ass. It’s great. His companion is top tier as well, there may or may not be a hot space elf prince involved. If you don't like romance you’re still good though because there isn’t any since John is a pussy ass bitch. Sorry, sorry, I'm trying to be fair and balanced. It's good! John is definitely a flawed individual, I think people often miss a lot of the little nuances in his character and write him off as petulant and pissed (to be fair, he is) but to me at least there's a bit more going on. Even if he can be genuinely irritating to read about

And finally, my two favorite series... and guilty pleasures

The Good Guys: A quintessential barbarian. Think of a barbarian character. Boom. There it is. That’s our man Montana Coggshall. this series is my version of embarrassment exposure therapy, Montana is constantly being humiliated and nothing good ever happens to him. But Also, this is not a sad or angsty or dark series at all. Its fun and light and god are the fights amazing. a fantasy romp to its core. Charming and delicious and fun and action packed to the gills.

The Bad Guys: A quintessential rouge. Think of a rogue character. Boom. There it is. That’s our man Clide Hatchett. This series has a style and comedy and charm to i cannot physically understate and there are So Many genuinely clever moments

there are so many characters that fuck around with morality and right/wrong and different view points that make the world feel so lived in

Everything from plumbing to lumberjacks is explored and given loving attention.

Reading it feels like coming home, I honestly don't care that the plot has turned into side quests and atm the side characters haven't gotten enough time in the spot light

The main character and fucking sheer amazing awkward kind conflicted energy of his dialogue, I've developed a connection to Eric ugland's style of writing further than I thought and I can't get enough of this shit. Also every problem Clide Hatchett has is solved with some sort of fucking batshit way I Adore

He's the guy who used a dagger that could travel through liquid to travel through a guys stomach and out the other side. Did I mention how gorey these books are? Because Yeah. I adore Clide Hatchet, my favorite character to ever be written in any place ever. He walks into places he absolutely shouldn't be, gets called elf boy, kicks everybody's ass while simultaneously being the most awkward and uncoordinated mess elvenly possible, then leaves. He is in the palace throne room profusely apologizing to the servants for getting dirt on the floor and beating the shit out of the king, he is at the altar of your wedding punching you in the face and then turning around and tripping on his dress, he is calling himself a hero before robbing a home blind. And also he keeps on shoving acid globs down people's throats and managing to do that while maintaining pure silly little guy energy is genuinely character writing talent. He's perfect. Yes it is very dorky.

Eric Ugland (who wrote both the Good Guys and Bad Guys series) has this way of writing, this STYLE I cannot properly articulate how much I find myself in love with it. though I will warn you I'm definitely bias, since I've been following both of these series almost since conception my perception could be entirely skewed by nostalgia

[cannibalise]

emmm i rly. rly rly rly rly rly rlr yly rly rly rly rly rlryu rly like shrike and i talk abt him a lot privately to my friend so i wanted to ummm. make a post i guess? about him.. and similarities to corax and stuff because hes so Strange and fun and i love him

ok well first of all hes in. the rg codex supplement (8th) and ik hes mentioned in the space marine codices but i dont own them and finding pdfs isnt the easiest thing in the world (if anyone has the 5th and 4th ed ones id like to read them ToT or at least just screenshots of the raven pages or smth) the legends: shrike novella, and the short story shadow stalker. hes probably mentioned in some other stuff but as much as i want to hunt it all down because of my issues of the mind, i dont think i will be able to. coz its hard to find this stuff digitally and i dont rly wanna spend the money just to learn that hes mentioned like Once and its something i already know. i also wanna say im not like umm. well i wouldnt call myself new anymore but im definitely not like a 40k veteran. just laser focused on necrons, raven guard, and night lords. so if ive missed stuff or gotten something wrong then, u know. im getting thru stuff. i also thought abt ummm. posting screenshots of book stuff to back myself up but i dont know if thats. uhh. idk. is that too much. i dunno. i HAVE them and can get some other specific ones if anyone wants them. and obviously i can say what book theyre from and get the chapter number (not page number tho i read the chapters as big blocks rather than page by page)

anyway. the thing that sort of captured my attention at first abt him is his self destructive humility. or likeeee. almost what looks like a naked desire to die in battle, but not for personal honour or glory ('honour' as a concept in rg itself is honestly a very interesting topic to me anyway). hes just so driven and committed to the cause that if him dying to accomplish a goal or finish the mission is the easiest and most efficient way of doing that, then he thinks about it and commits to it and noone can talk him down. carefully considered recklessness is what i started calling it. he genuinely thinks about all the pros and cons and then does it anyway because his own life as the price is so easy for him to commit. and i think its super fun that hes aware of this shortcoming and its part of why he wants to find someone more suitable as chapter master (this is mentioned in the codex supplement). but SPECIFICALLY because the old master of shadows, severax, did a suicidal assassination attempt that failed and shrike looked at that and knew he wouldve done the same. because he has. in his novella. THREE times against the SAME ORK. and somehow just keeps Not Dying. silly guy... hes silly... i love him so much ToT i LIKE it about him because it feels so strange considering what hes normally like. hes hotheaded. hes highly motivated and driven and doesnt lose hope (again an interesting topic for rg coz of all the 'hope is pointless' stuff). ud think someone like that would have a rly strong drive to keep living and a survival instinct. and he does to some degree but the selflessness takes over or something. but a selflessness tht prioritises them all as an organisation? i mean this Should be normal for imperium anyway and it might be more common than im thinking, i honestly havent read a alot of imperium stuff coz i dont really care about it ! shrike to me is like 'hatred of the imperium leaving my body when i see a cute emoboy with weird issues in his head'. im a sucker for dudes that are quiet bt have that sort of burning passion inside and the fact that its entirely on the behalf of his brothers is too much. also its not totally related but something abt him in the supplement that i LOVED is an anecdote about imperial fists and iron hands having an argument over a tech relic powering a planets shields and shrike comes in and destroys it without either of them knowing so that theyre forced to stop arguing. its that simple logic. hes the type of guy that sees the shortest path to getting stuff done and just does it, regardless of the fallout. no overthinking or figuring stuff out slowly, u see an opportunity to solve a problem u take it right then and there. cut the bullshit i want you etc etc. i love this too in the novella coz even before hes promoted to captain hes arguing with his superiors about how they should keep going no matter the cost and take the shortest and most dangerous path. and another thing. he refuses every attempt at assigning him some honour or award or whatever and like u just KNOW its coz hes like 'well it wasnt me it was all of us together' or something. kayvaan 'i love my bros so much i could (and will) die' shrike

which i guess leads me to ummm. this part! similarities to corax. im STILL getting through horus heresy stuff but the more i read the more similarities i notice but theyre all like. weird picks. like i get that they probably wanted to make a chapter master that felt like corax, for multiple reasons, but they picked some Weird traits to carry over. like i dont think i would call corax hotheaded at all. hes very restrained and definitely does anger (especially when it involves the lycaeus-born ravens and the raptors) but hes too good at keeping a cap on it. to the point that i think this is ultimately his downfall. tho thats, personally speaking and im not like a Massive corax fan i just know him a little. im not staying over at his house for him. im getting chased out of his sons window in the morning instead. ...anyway. the point is that hes much more reserved and restrained. but because of that he also has the belief that there will come a time when hes able to withdraw and let someone else lead the ravens while he does... whatever he wants i guess? i havent seen it mentioned which is a shame coz it would change things a lot depending on what he intends to do. anyway this is mentioned in a lot of the things ive read with him actually. this is a trait he shares with shrike. but because of the differences in circumstance its connotation feels really different. like corax is a primarch, hes sort of marked out no matter what he does afterwards, and hes not rly like ummm. an arts and humanities guy like some of the others. on top of not even realising that hes reinforcing the tyranny that he fought to destroy on his own world. but thats a different topic entirely lol (one that i LIKE because i love tragic irony and the way he seems oblivious to it coz at the time he was so excited over meeting his new brothers (this is from deliverance lost)). anyway god that was a tangent, the POINT was that shrike also wants to give up his role and let someone else be master of shadows because hes too aware of how his recklessness isnt suitable for a leader at that level and has split the chapter up to hopefully have them all hardened and capable and able to take over for him. and then u just know hes gonna go back to trying to kill himself for the cause all the time until it finally sticks. shrike has that clear goal and hes picking the shortest path to it as usual. whereas corax broods a little more and maybe overthinks things. so its the same self awareness and the same wanting to withdraw from their positions but for totally different reasons, and i rly like the contrast. also its just Comical how corax has to tell his legionaries to simmer down and that "victory is its own revenge" instead of running off to kill some specific guys you hate. and then on the other side u have 'shadow captain maybe this isnt a good idea' 'shadow captain you will die' 'shadow captain ple-' and hes gone. hes already gone. hes jumping into his own death again. and shrike DOES HAVE corax's levelheadedness but theyre used to nefarious ends of him thinking about the stupid thing hes gonna do and then doing it anyway. hes using all of his traits from corax for silly things.

anyway sorry i think im done i might kill myself over the embarrassment of writing this later we'll see please dont laugh at me im a sensitive gay little emoboy and kayvaan shrike is my passion

[more-cardigan-than-woman]

The School Trip - Ch 2 - Afternoon.

Summary: So you got the kids to their destination. Good luck being in close quarters with the hot English teacher.

2.5k

Warnings: 18+, swearing, fluff, flirting, annoying teenagers.

Chapter 1

"OOo, miss and sir are sharing a room." Jayda giggles with her friends as they walk past you towards their room down the hall.

"None of you guys wanted to share with me," you shrug, "even though I'm way cool and I've got like, so much rizz. Right Mr Todd." 

"So it's their fault you've gotta share with a boy." Jason laughs, clicking the door open to your twin room.

"Exactly."

"You guys are gross." The girls yell before they start whispering to each other, running off down the hall. 

"Kids right?" You look away, pushing past Jason and sitting yourself on the bed. Truth be told, the last thing you wanted to do was share a room with the girls. They need their privacy and you do not want to be kept up all night with their antics. You had tried to get you each your own room, but the hotel was small and the school wasn't going to pay for anything nicer than this. It's blind luck that they even had a twin room left, with the kids taking all the family sized ones.

"You didn't exactly tell them no." Jason says throwing your bags on the counter. The room fills with a wired silence as he stares down at you, "why don't we have our own rooms?" He asks, with a smile on his face. His eyes tracing the delicate lines of your legs. He blinks a few times, hoping that you didn't notice.

"You worried I'm gunna give you cooties?"

"I mean, have you got cooties? Because I don't think there's a cure for it."

"Maybe? So what if I do? Its only because there are so many kids, and they are booked out," you change the subject, unsure about where this conversation and the way he's looking at you, "had to divide the kids up and they only had one room left. But you can always go and share with the teens, I'm sure that'd be a hoot. You could learn witchcraft or talk about theoretical physics. Or ya know, the bus is empty."

"Or I can stay here and watch you read?" That does sound appealing. He was watching you on the bus and you had the cutest expression while trying to contain your excitement. It's curious, what makes them so thrilling for you? He wouldn't mind finding out.

"I mean yeah, or you could go for a walk."

"Have you got another book?"

"Excuse me?"

"A spare, something I could read?"

"You- what? Don't you have your own things to read?"

"I know you've got more than one of those slutty.books on your bag. There's no way it's that heavy with clothes."

"Why do you wanna read them? Aren't lit teachers supposed to be snobby and all about the classics."

"Could be a classic one day, everything good started out being controversial."

You shuffle from your bed, slipping down and flipping your suitcase open, "we'll  I've only got 3, which do you want?" You pick up the books throwing them on the bed.

"This looks interesting," he says, snatching the one with the large demon on the cover, "what's it about?" He flicks through the pages, his eyes glaring over the words. "Late Night Deal?"

"Yeah, especially." 

"Cool."

"Might go grab some sun though, wanna go outside and read?" You throw a dust cover at him. "Whack that over it first."

"I'm sure it's going to be believable that I'm reading," he turns the cover over, "Halliday's fundamental physics."

"Better than them thinking you're reading Late Night Deal. That cover really doesn't leave a lot to the imagination."

With a roll of his eyes, Jason slaps the cover over the book, slipping his phone into his pocket and heading out into the sunshine. 

You watch him go, surprised at how easy this is. You had thought the weekend would be weird, that sharing a room with the hot English teacher would be torture. He's always been kind in your limited interactions  but with a face like that, you had convinced yourself he'd be full of himself, the classic English teacher snob. But he seems so nice and genuinely takes interest in your less than perfect book taste. The way he smiled at you when you talked on the bus about the trip, like he just wanted to hear you speak. Fuck, why isn't a dick? That's what you were hoping, that he'd be awful and the stupid crush you have on him would die at the surface level.

You take another book, your sunglasses and head down to meet him at the small park just outside of the hotel.

Xx

"Ah, I'm going to need some help here." He calls from the other side of the park, your seat on the hotel patio resting just under the cover of the awning while he opted for the full sun seats.

You drop your book, rushing to his side as he tries to grab the sea of papers that's littering the lawn. "Dude's, what is going on?"  

"My book exploded and my notes!" Keira calls as she and the other girls try to grab the papers flying around in the wind. 

You and Jason rush to help, gathering up all the notes, laughing as you run through the small grassed area. "That ones getting away," you shout as one fly's up near a tree and you both rush towards it. 

"Here I've got i-" Jason's cut off as you rush into him, "woah there," he grips your shoulders. You look so cute with sweat on your brow annd your hair fucked by the wind, "I think it's stuck in the tree."

"Get up there and get it then." You suggest taking a step back, trying to keep your eyes from his and the weird tingly feeling it gives you.

"Can't reach," he looks up into the tree with his hand shading his eyes from the sun, "maybe if I lift you up?"

"That- ah.. wouldn't be appropriate. "

"Certainly be less creepy than me lifting one of the kids up."

"Fine," you shrug, defeated, "just don't drop me."

"I wouldn't." He assures you, his hands gripping at your waist as he effortlessly picks you up.

"Bit higher," you stretch your arm out, the paper so close, "nearly there," you lean your foot into his stomach trying to elongate yourself so you can get it, "got it." 

You grab the paper and suddenly you're falling, wondering how you even got so high and then the sun's gone and something heavy lands on your stomach.

"Sorry," Jason smiles apologetically, "you got me in the diaphragm. Did you get the paper?"

"Yeah, right here," you cough, the air caught in your lungs from where you fell and not from the way he's looking at you, "we should get up."

"Yeah before-"

"Ooooo!" All the teenagers sing song together before bursting into laughter.

"Too late," you laugh along, pushing him the the chest before displaying the saved piece of paper above your head.

Trying to gather yourself up, you rush over to Keira and away from Mr Todd. Handing them to her with a stern warning to keep a hand on her things.

"Not much time for relaxing now," Jason says, picking up your book from the ground and relaxing back on the bench a few meters from the students. The scent of your perfume still lingering on his button down, he pulls it from his chest, trying to shake the smell from it. He fails miserably as the scent spreads and he tries to hide his face in a book.

"We've still got half an hour before we gotta feed the hoard," you lay down on the opposite bench, your book shielding the sun from your eyes. You hear the girls laughing, pages being turned and you start to finally relax. 

Xx

"Yo! Young people! Can we all sit down please?" You try to call over the loud laughter that's echoing through the dining hall of the hotel.

The teenagers ignore you, too engrossed in their excited chatter as they try to find somewhere to sit. With a huff you, sit down in your seat, content to wait them out until they quiet down.

"Who wants to come to the state library tomorrow instead of star labs?" They all turn, staring at Jason in shock, "be a great place to learn to be quiet." All the shocked eyes turn to a glare as they each take a seat and lower their chatting. 

"Thanks." You say as Jason takes his seat next to you, "they can get a bit too loud sometimes. Like they're worried they Wong be heard over each other and-"

"And it gets louder and louder." He finished for you, "Yeah I know, you should've heard my class after we watched 10 things I hate about you. Swear they'd been possessed by demons or something."

"Oh I love that movie. Is that why they came into my lab and tried to put their fingers in the bunsen burners?"

'Yeah, most likely. They were quite taken with the main characters."

"Me too, I had such a crush on him when I was a teen."

"Oh really? You got a thing for bad boys?"

"Not at all," you shake your head, "but a good boy who looks bad? That's every teenage girl's dream."

"Did you grow out if it?" He leans in, his fingers slipping up the exposed patch of skin on your arm. He catches your eye and when your eyes dart down to his hand on your thigh, then to the teenagers around you he pulls back, clearing his throat, "It's a great way to get them interested in Shakespeare. I've got she's the man ready to go next, I can't wait for them to see it. They're going to lose their minds.

"What's your favourite kind of cheese?" You laugh, your shoulder brushing against his as you rock back on your chair.

"Why miss, are you hitting on me?" He says as he turns to you blocking the kids from you and with how big he is it almost feels like you're alone at the table.

"I-" You reel your blood start to heat up "- it's from the movie, right?" He stares into your eyes.and you feel other parts of you warming up as well "- it's a joke."

"Shame." He leans back into you, his arm resting on the back of your chair, "my favourite cheese is brie. Soft cheeses are melt in your mouth good." He glances down, his eyes following the line of your tongue as you lick your lips, "but you know what."

"What?" 

"It's hard to find a good cheese," he sits back slightly, putting some air between you, "they always expire or are too crisp or I can't see them in my fridge. Somehow I always miss seeing the cheese right in front of me."

'Hmm," you cough, trying to regain your composure in front of 30 kids and the man that's starting as you like you're a snack, "deep thoughts on cheese then, cool. Cool. Cool."

The waitstaff start to bring out everyone's meals as you settle yourself and you let out a tiny thank fuck. Readjusting your seat to put a bit more distance between you, unfortunately your leg brushes against Jason's and you feel the sting lighting zap zing up your leg. Shit. 

The noise of the kids fills up the room again and you find yourself grateful for all their questions about tomorrow needing something go distract you from the handsome teacher beside you. From the way he keeps trying to subtly look at you and the way your only noticing this because you're doing the same.

The rest of dinner goes by smoothly, he's still very close. His arm occasionally brushing against yours and your knees touching the whole night. But with Mason in front of you, telling you how excited he is for tomorrow you find some peace in his distraction.

Xx

"Cute pjs," you remark, pulling back the covers on your bed and setting eyes on the.man walking out of your shared bathroom, "you look like a giant teddy."

"Yeah," he pulls on the brown button up that's trying its best not to pop open, "was kind of last minute. I didn't think it would be appropriate for me to sleep in my sweats, with someone else in the room."

"I really don't care. I'm so tried, we're whatever you want."

"Maybe I want to look like a teddy bear," he moves towards his bed, his body squishing to fit through the tight space, "maybe someone will want to cuddle me." 

"Wh-ye-" you cough out, jumping into bed in an attempt to hide your face, "goodnight."

"Good night," he whispers back, slipping into his own bed. He sees you facing away pulling a pillow from under his head he turns to his side, wrapping his arms around it. He hopes he dreams about cuddling you, about being your big teddy bear. If he can't have it in real life, a dream would be sufficient.

Chapter 3

Tags

@ilikw @bubbles-incorrect-yb @megumisbabymama @nutmeg030 @gone-batty-fics @lovelyrissa @igotanidea @parkjammys @princessbl0ss0m @prettyacademia00

[bayofwolves]

Rereading Fire and Ice

We're back again after a short break! Sorry this one took so long to get out, adult life caught up to me. As you might know, these posts are to discuss interesting tidbits and things I hadn't noticed before. Let's get right to it!

Once again, please mind the tags.

In A Revised History of Erdas, Rollan is native and has his long hair in two braids, so this cover messes with me. I really fuck with the colour scheme, though.

Meilin thinks Maya might be crazy. She also jokes about burning Pia's house down in a later chapter, which is a little unsettling! These are definitely just throwaway lines that aren't meant to be thought about again, but I find myself wishing the authors had purposefully written Maya to be a little bit off. It would add something to her character, at least.

Rollan is confirmed to be a person of colour! Yay! "His brown eyes were warm, his brown skin speckled with dirt from the road, his broad face comfortingly familiar." I wasn't a fan of the ambiguous "tan" description he got before.

It seems Abeke may have been physically abused in her home as well as emotionally. She says that if she had ever talked back to her father like Rollan did to Pia, she would be switch-whipped. Pojalo, mark my words, you will answer for everything you've done to hurt this girl.

Abeke being a Rain Dancer becomes relevant! Everybody cheer! Being near water helps her think clearly and make sense of the situation in Samis. Would have been nice to show her actually making it rain at any point like Rain Dancers are supposed to do, but I'll take this, I guess…

Aidana may have had Rollan when she was a teenager. This doesn't have any real merit, but I think it's very possible. And no matter her age at the time, given her circumstances -- living on the streets, mentally unwell and experiencing frequent blackouts -- I doubt her pregnancy was of her own will. Especially considering how she never mentions anything about Rollan's father, and he never asks.

Rollan doesn't seem to remember Wikerus. (Perhaps he only had traumatic memories of him, and his brain covered these up along with the memories of Aidana's sickness.) He probably would have mentioned to the Greencloaks that his mother was Marked if he'd known.

Zerif must have found and cured Aidana while he was in Concorba seeking Rollan and Essix. I doubt he would have visited that city on two separate occasions. He likely came across her after losing Rollan to Olvan. Another element of tragedy to their story: Aidana was possibly just hours or minutes too late to safely reunite with her son.

Aidana talks about the Devourer helping people, seeking out those afflicted by the bonding sickness and curing them with the Bile. It's unclear if she means Gar or Shane by this, but I'm inclined to believe the latter. In that case, it would have been interesting to see some of this -- Shane finding people the Greencloaks passed over and taking their pain away. He would have genuinely thought he was doing something right, even if he was offering them up to Gerathon in the process.

Pia may have been alive in Feliandor's time, as Rollan notices she doesn't seem surprised to learn of the new war. This is entirely possible, as Suka presumably froze herself and stopped visiting Samis soon after the Fall of the Four in the First Devourer War.

The animal that attacks the group's boat on their way to Arctica isn't fully revealed. I hope it was a creature that doesn't exist on Earth. I imagine a hippocampus or something like it, since the noise made when Tarik strikes it is described as sounding like a wet horse's flank.

Tarik's bond with Lumeo gives him the power to control water. Wish we'd seen more of this.

Abeke has never seen hail before their nights in Arctica.

Conor singing has always been one of the most memorable parts of this book for me. I wish there'd been other instances of him singing folk songs for the group.

So as we've seen with Suka, Great Beasts can devolve into a beast-like state -- presumably if they are comatose for a long period of time. Suka had probably been asleep for hundreds of years, so it makes sense that her mind would be delayed.

Jhi calming Suka reminds me of what Meilin's bond token was intended to do. It would have been a neat callback to what happened here if it had stopped Song's murderous rage.

Halawir's identity as the Betrayer has actually been hinted at in a few books prior to the reveal, this one and Tales of the Great Beasts. Here, it's clear that him asking for Suka's talisman meant he was up to something.

Abeke and Maya's little conversation where they hold hands for comfort and call each other magical is the gayest thing these books have given us since... Suka and Jhi, a few chapters ago. It's a really sweet but also sad moment, Maya revealing that she is traumatized and Abeke not knowing how to help. Definitely one of my favourite parts.

The dream Conor has about the group all wearing strange shoes could have actually had some meaning behind it. The laces on Meilin's dumpling shoes that stretch behind them for miles could symbolize her Bile bond leading the Conquerors to them. Abeke falling through the ice with her fire shoes, but Conor being unable to save her, could foreshadow her being captured by the Conquerors in the next book. As you may recall, Conor was not present and could not do anything when this happened.

I don't believe Shane had any intention of cutting Uraza off Abeke's skin. It's this line for me: "Shane is too much of a diplomat, so Zerif made sure we [Ana and Tahlia] came along and enforced the plan. He was especially hurt by Abeke's betrayal." I'm assuming Shane knew of the plan, and may have been okay with threatening Abeke to get what he wanted (similar to how he used Achi to win his fight against Lishay in The Book of Shane: Vendetta), but wasn't going to actually harm her. He knew he could get the talisman another way. Zerif, on the other hand, wanted Abeke to suffer and so sent two of his minions along. Less plausible is the chance Shane wasn't even in on it to begin with, and Zerif (and his minions) deliberately conspired behind his back. (I'm all for the Conquerors defying Shane's authority, given that ARHoE has Drina stage a coup, so I find this possibility particularly intriguing.)

Kind of wish Abeke had ridden on Great Briggan with Conor in the final battle. Would have made for an iconic scene.

Poor Abeke is concussed during the final battle. I never spotted this growing up because I've never had a concussion and didn't know the signs. I thought she was just tripping, to be honest.

Rollan begins to slip into suicidal ideation after his mom tries to kill him. This book has not been kind to our protagonists, not one bit.

On this quest, the team has done two terrible things: destroyed the Ice Palace, a place built by generations of Ardu, and condemned the entire village of Samis to death. And all for a talisman that slips out of their hands, no less.

My final thoughts on Fire and Ice are mixed. There were some inconsistencies and relapses in character development, and while I can chalk it up to being a product of the many different authors working on this series, it still got on my nerves a little. Let's be real, Conor's animosity towards Shane came out of nowhere and is wildly out of character for him. Rollan shouldn't have still been grating on Conor for giving away the Iron Boar when they resolved that conflict back in Blood Ties. It's a little messy. But I liked the rest. They introduced some elements in this one that really grabbed me. I absolutely love Aidana and her relationship with Rollan; she's a good example of how the war is not so black and white. I love how our protagonists firmly believe anything they do is justified because it's for the greater good, choosing to ignore the destruction they leave behind. I love the depth Rollan got, though it unfortunately came at the expense of other characters'. I wish they hadn't waited to develop Maya until we were nearing the end; I really enjoyed her when they gave her a bigger role. The focus this author gave Conor and Abeke has always been a highlight of the series for me; their relationship is so sweet and caring, though I see it as more platonic than anything. And of course, I loved the darker elements that this book had. Not only that, but it left me in emotional pain, which is exactly what I need to consider something a good read.

All in all, another solid addition to the series. This journey hurt our protagonists so much, and it hurt me.

This is part of an ongoing series.

Wild Born | Hunted | Blood Ties | Fire and Ice | Against the Tide | Rise and Fall | The Evertree

Immortal Guardians | Broken Ground | The Return | The Burning Tide

Heart of the Land | The Wildcat's Claw | Stormspeaker | The Dragon's Eye

Tales of the Great Beasts | The Book of Shane | Tales of the Fallen Beasts

[hatereadings]

Throne of Glass

So I first found out about this series because these ACoTaR recaps I was reading mentioned that Sarah J Maas had a previous fantasy series that came out, and the protagonist was an assassin who didn't even kill anyone in the first book. You can check out the recaps here, if you're interested in other people's hate-reads.

The author of those recaps was so appalled by ACoTaR that she's probably never going to read another SJM book, which means that the burden of recapping them has sadly fallen to... well, people who enjoyed the recaps in general, but I think I'm the only one actually willing to do this to myself.

So, here goes! I'm going to start with Throne of Glass, because it was published first, but actually mainly because it's the most readily available at my library (If I have to return it, I might switch to The Assassin's Blade for a bit).

The dedication page is

To all my readers from FictionPress--for being with me at the beginning and staying long after the end. Thank you for everything.

This honestly made me curious enough to look things up, and, whaddya know, this book was originally a story on FictionPress! In 2012, peak fandom, so... credit where it's due, clearly some of us who were on FictionPress back then felt catered to.

That reminds me - I know these books are intended for teenage girls, and I'm going to do my best to respect that and view them from that lens. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that audience or what they need or want to be reading at that time in their lives.

That said, even WITH that caveat, there's going to be a lot of shit to talk about, so buckle up.

Chapter 1

RIGHT AWAY, I have issues with the worldbuilding.

After a year of slavery in the Salt Mines of Endovier, Celaena Sardothien was accustomed to being escorted everywhere in shackles and at sword-point. Most of the thousands of slaves in Endovier received similar treatment--though an extra half-dozen guards always walked Celaena to and from the mines.

How on EARTH is this economical?! If someone is genuinely SO DANGEROUS that they need SIX GUARDS to accompany them everywhere -- how does it make ANY sense to put them to work in a mine?!?!?!

I'm going to ignore the fact that a white author is writing about slavery, because... it was 2012; a lot of us are guilty of Spartacus fanfic. We know better now, is the important part.

That was to be expected by Adarlan's most notorious assassin.

Okay. Some people have pointed out in the past that it doesn't make sense for assassins to be famous. I think that's something that's safe to gloss over in this sort of YA, though. I mean, what teenage girl hasn't wanted to be some kind of universally feared physical badass, whether that's an assassin or a mercenary or a serial killer? It's fine.

Still, if she's really so dangerous and such a Big Deal, then... again, why is she in the mines??? Why isn't she in an impenetrable cell somewhere??? You're literally paying SIX EXTRA full-time workers just to stand around watching her when they could be used to do, idk, anything else? Guarding the royal family, guarding the treasury, going to war against your enemies? This is like... Kingsguard level of security. Not something you'd want to spend on a prisoner.

There's a "hooded man in black" walking next to her. Does this sound like an executioner, or is that just me?

Apparently they take an unnecessarily circuitous route, going around and around in circles because the guy in charge... idk, wants to disorient Celaena? Even though she's been living there for a year? I really hope the people guarding her are supposed to be idiots, so she can seem like a badass genius in comparison; if this is the level of intelligence we're working with throughout the book, I don't know what's going to sustain me through this read.

The guy in the hood apparently introduced himself as Chaol Westfall, Captain of the Royal Guard, and she overheard that when she first saw him. Which might've been nice to include when we, the readers, first see him, but whatever. Apparently he's hiding his face from her to try and intimidate her, which has "five-year-old-boy-tries-to-scare-you-by-donning-a-frankenstein-mask" energy.

Celaena doesn't know why he's come to get her. She notices that her clothes are nearly rags and that her skin is dirty, and reflects that she used to be beautiful. Again, this feels more like YA convention than an actual, realistic response someone would have to being forced to mine salt for a year. Like, I can get having that response to suddenly seeing a bunch of non-miners and feeling the contrast between their clean clothes and your filthy rags, but having that just pop up idly while you're walking around your prison? It's a very hamfisted way of trying to stick in a bit of physical description at the beginning. And we get a full physical description later on, so why even bother?

"You're a long way from Rifthold, Captain," she said, clearing her throat. "Did you come with the army I heard thumping around earlier?" She peered into the darkness beneath his hood but saw nothing. Still, she felt his eyes upon her face, judging, weighing, testing. She stared right back. The Captain of the Royal Guard would be an interesting opponent. Maybe even worthy of some effort on her part.

Personally I would have added a line break after that quote, but that might just be a stylistic choice. I don't really have any bones to pick with the writing here; it seems like this is serving the wish fulfillment that a lot of the target audience really wants - a protagonist so deadly that no one is any match for them. Maybe for a more jaded audience, they'd think, "Mary Sue," and toss the book aside, but we embrace earnest enthusiasm here.

Oh, it'd be nice to see his blood spill across the marble.

Please don't tease. I know there isn't going to be any murder in this book. I can't take the false hope.

She'd lost her temper once before--once, when her first overseer chose the wrong day to push her too hard. She still remembered the feeling of embedding the pickax into his gut, and the stickiness of his blood on her hands and face. She could disarm two of these guards in a heartbeat. Would the captain fare better than her late overseer? Contemplating the potential outcomes, she grinned at him again. "Don't you look at me like that," he warned, and his hand drifted back toward his sword.

Wait, what? The killer -- actually kills someone?! Okay, offscreen, but still. This is... not quite the clusterfuck I was warned about!

Still, I'm 2% into this book. It has a lot of room to decay.

They passed a series of wooden doors that she'd seen a few minutes ago. If she wanted to escape, she simply had to turn left at the next hallway and take the stairs down three flights. The only thing all the intended disorientation had accomplished was to familiarize her with the building. Idiots.

Celaena gets annoyed when Chaol won't talk to her, which is... kind of dumb? I mean, did you expect him to? You guys are enemies. Just keep up a one-sided banter like a normal prisoner and stop complaining.

She contemplates escape some more, then decides that it'd be too much trouble, so she'll wait. It's very convenient that all the guards are idiots; they've been walking so long that Celaena has the opportunity to infodump some worldbuilding on us. We learn that the kingdom they're in is called Adarlan, and it sends poor people, criminals, and "latest conquests" into the salt mines of Endovier, which looks something like the jail in Les Mis, with misery and whips cracking and all the stereotypical nonsense. Again, this is from over a decade ago; this shit would not fly today. That's not how you handle a discussion of slavery in this country.

Adarlan has banned magic, and anyone accused of practicing gets sent to Endovier.

Eyllwe is apparently a country that's at war with Adarlan, still resisting its rule, and any captured Eyllwe folks also get sent to Endovier. Okay, so... I know Rome did this too, but this is sounding less like Rome and more like Nazi Germany, with the work camps for prisoners. Maas is apparently of Jewish descent, so I'm not going to weigh in on whether that's a problem.

Celaena mentions that she was "betrayed and captured" one night and sent to this place, and then pivots to thinking about whether she's finally going to be executed. I mean, it would make sense; those 6 guards' paychecks have probably cost the crown a tidy amount over the past year.

At last, they stopped before a set of red-and-gold glass doors so thick that she couldn't see through them.

That is a ridiculously fancy door for a mine. Why.

They try to pull Celaena through, she's convinced they're here to kill her and resists, but they pull her in anyway. Uhhhh... what happened to

She could disarm two of these guards in a heartbeat.

?

I remember the inconsistency in ACoTaR. Wasn't expecting it to show up so early here, though.

A glass chandelier shaped like a grapevine occupied most of the ceiling, spitting seeds of diamond fire onto the windows along the far side of the room.

Okay, that's actually a really pretty description. I'd go as far as to say that 'spitting seeds of diamond fire' is genuinely a good turn of phrase. That said...

WHY IS THIS IN A SALT MINE?!?!?!?!

Compared to the bleakness outside those windows, the opulence felt like a slap to the face. A reminder of how much they profited from her labor.

Ah. For symbolism.

In case you were wondering, no, that's not a good enough reason. It makes no sense with the worldbuilding. Why on earth would ANYONE choose to build something so fancy here. Nobody just spends their time thinking, "I'm feeling very evil today. What exceptionally evil project can I spend a great deal of money on to show off just how evil I am? I know! I'll build an opulent room next to a slave pit!"

Also? Nobody is profiting from your labor, Celaena. I don't know how much salt costs, but every day you work costs your overseers a day's wages for each of SIX GUARDS. I don't think there's much profit being turned here.

The captain shoves her in, there's more guards, and then

On an ornate redwood throne sat a handsome young man. Her heart stopped as everyone bowed.

Ah. The love interest.

She was standing in front of the Crown Prince of Adarlan.

And that's the chapter hook!

Two questions:

How did they get the throne in there? I can't tell if it's more ridiculous if they literally had to build a new fancy room with a throne when they heard the prince was coming, or if the prince's entourage carries a giant throne with him wherever he goes so he can sit in it, OR if every single building in Adarlan has to have a Throne Room of sufficient grandeur just in case the Crown Prince decides to stop by. There's just no good explanation for this. (Although from a different perspective, there are only good explanations for this)

We literally just heard an infodump about how Adarlan is a toxic power. Are they really trying to make it believable that one of the leaders of this country is a decent enough dude to be a love interest?

So far, this feels like even more of a mess than ACoTaR was. I'm curious to know if that gets any better over the course of this book, or if it's somehow all downhill from here.

[gtunesmiff]

4 Reasons You’re Procrastinating Instead of Writing

Andy Weir, author of the bestselling science fiction book THE MARTIAN, explains 4 ways to beat writing procrastination.

You have ideas for stories, but when you launch your word processor, you stare helplessly at a blank page. Every time you try to write, you end up spending the evening watching videos of cats on YouTube instead. Why is this happening? We’ve all been there. Here are a few things that might be getting in your way:

1: You don’t know which story to pick

You don’t just have one idea, you have several. Writing a book is a big commitment. You want to take time to carefully consider what you’ll be spending the next year slaving over. No sense rushing in to things, right? The problem with the above logic is that it leads to a stalemate. You like all the ideas you came up with. They’re your ideas, after all. When you start to think about doing one, you realize that would mean giving up on the others. Then you vacillate back and forth. Solution: Write the first chapter of each story. Once you’ve done that, you’ll have a better appreciation of which one you like the most. And if you finish Chapter 1 on one of them and really don’t want to stop, then there’s your answer.

2: Stories are always more awesome in your head than they are on paper

Your heroine, Susan, had neglectful and disinterested parents. This made her overwhelmingly driven to excel. She’s the youngest Vice President in the history of her Fortune 500 company. One day, while grabbing dinner with her wise-cracking gay friend Bob, she meets Joe. He’s a good man, and handsome, but not “successful”. He’s content to take life easy. Will Susan compromise her obsession with upward mobility to find happiness with Joe? That’s the idea you had, anyway. But when you tried to write it, you got this: “Susan first saw Joe at the diner. He looked good. Bob was there, too.” After a few incidents like this, you got gun-shy about writing. You’re reluctant to put it on paper because deep down you know it won’t be as cool as you imagined it. Solution: Ok, so it won’t be what you imagined. But a story in your head isn’t a story. It’s just a daydream until you actually write it down. So write it down. What’s the worst that can happen? If it sucks, you can delete it.

3: You’ve been telling the story instead of writing it

Oh, admit it. You’ve been telling everyone your story idea. Friends, relatives, the mailman, and anyone else who didn’t awkwardly edge away while you rambled on. But guess what? That sapped your desire to actually write it. You want an audience. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be a writer. The biggest motivation to write is the knowledge that someone will read it. But you already told the story to everyone you know and your need for an audience has been sated. So when you stare at that scary blank page, your subconscious begins calculating. “This is hard. Is this worth it? What validation or feedback will I get? I already got opinions from the people I know, so anything beyond that will be from strangers. That’s nice, but on the other hand, I could be watching videos of cats on YouTube right now.” Solution: Don’t tell your stories to anyone. You’ll be more motivated knowing it’s a prerequisite to having an audience. Also, your friends will be able to give real feedback instead of vague opinions about your unimplemented concepts. And you won’t have to wonder if the person you’re talking to is genuinely interested in your story, or secretly hoping they’ll have a heart attack so they can escape the conversation.

4: You don’t know how it will end yet

You know Brock Danger will defeat the Zorplaxian Queen, but you haven’t decided how. Will he incite a slave revolt? Will he defeat her champion in unarmed combat? Or will he use his rugged countenance to seduce her in to submission. You just can’t make up your mind. Of course, you’re nowhere near having to write the climax yet. You’re still working on Chapter 3, where he crawls out of his crashed spaceship. But you don’t want to write any more until you’ve settled on an ending. After all, everything leads up to that. It will affect how every part of the story is presented. Solution: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. Don’t wait for an inspired ending to come to mind. Work your way to the ending and see what comes up. When you actually write it down, you start to see all the avenues. You’ll finish the book sooner and you’ll get more ideas for the ending along the way.

~ Andy Weir || Writers Digest || May 14, 2014

[carriagelamp]

All I can say is why did it take me so long to finally try reading Wodehouse? I knew I would like the Jeeves books and yet it took me until now to finally crack one. Definitely my highlight for this month, though I was also very into the two nonfiction books I read.

I'm finding more and more that I enjoy a nice, narrative nonfiction... any one have any similar recs? Nonfiction has never been on my radar but now I really want to find more that follow this narrative vein...

Candy Color Paradox Assorted Pack

A collection of short bonus stories collected from various points in the series. Kaburagi and Onoe both work for the same weekly magazine and are initially forced to work together on stakeouts. Their relationship gradually grows from antagonistic coworkers to lovers to genuine boyfriends who are learning how to make their relationship work. One of the things I appreciate about this series is that once they decide to date, their relationship stays fairly stable — there’s hiccups as they work on their own insecurities or relationship complications, but there’s no breaking up or will-they-won’t-they once they’re actually dating and the drama shifts to their shared work and making a relationship work in a fairly homophobic society. This particular volume was fun though nothing outstanding, but it will help tide me over until the next book in the series.

Console Wars

A non-fiction book I read on my brother’s recommendation. I only have a vague sort of interest in the video game industry, I mostly enjoy hearing my brother talk about it because he has a lot of knowledge about it, but I really enjoyed this book! It describes the ins-and-outs of the Nintendo relaunched the video game industry in North America with the Entertainment System, and then the competition that gradually developed between them and the underdog that was Sega. It was an exciting, amusing, and engagingly narrative look at that period in history! I would definitely recommend it to anyone that has an even passing interest in that point in time, this book really makes you root for everyone involved!

Five Nights At Freddy’s

You know what, this one was on me. I should have known exactly how bad it would be and I still chose to try it. The problem is, back when the first… three-ish FNAF games came out in 2014 and 2015 the lore was actually kind of neat. I had a lot of fun playing through them with my cousins trying to find out more about the story. Obviously it devolved into something completely different and a lot more get-that-money-from-those-kids over the years, but I, naively, thought hey… if they’re making a movie… maybe they’re returning to some of those original plot ideas? Maybe it will even be… kind of interesting? The Silver Eyes was a fairly neat novel, even if the lore felt very different so… maybe this one would be too?

Nope. Read a chapter, loathed everything from the writing, to the attitude, to the characters, and then slung it back at my local library unfinished. Don’t even bother picking this up, good lord.

My Happy Marriage 2

This was… fine. I rather enjoyed the first book of My Happy Marriage since it was a Cinderella-esque story set in the Taishō era with some fun magical elements. Lots of class division, the main character suffered very clear abuse and it wasn’t just brushed away, and her arranged fiancé was clearly overwhelmed and sympathetic when faced with this very different fiancée on his doorstep. The writing wasn’t great but the plot was fun. In book two the writing continued to not be great, but the plot also just… didn’t catch my interest. I’d still recommend the first book for some pleasant, light reading, but I don’t think I’ll continue with this series. Might try watching the anime instead…

The Inimitable Jeeves

I’ve been meaning to read the Jeeves books for years, and I finally got the push I needed from a mutual who was recommending it to me. It was everything I could have hoped for! Really made me think fondly of The Importance of Being Ernest by Oscar Wilde, or even Terry Pratchett’s writing to a certain extent — you can tell Pratchett read this author and picked up bits of his tone. Anyway, it’s exactly the sort of humour I enjoy and the whole thing is aided by having incredibly loveable characters. There’s the clever, unflappable valet Jeeves who seems capable of omniscience and of solving every problem to ever arise, as well as Bertie Wooster who I love with my entire  heart. If Bertie was a different sort of character or narrator, this might have been a much less enjoyable  series but he is a genuinely very kind, generous, likeable sort of person who is cheerfully aware that he’s a bit of an airhead and is happy to have Jeeves around to do this thinking. What a blessing. Highly recommend if you like short story collections and want something silly and fun.

The Last Firehawk v.11-12

This is a young children’s series that keeps compelling me to return to it for some reason. The first part of the series I actually quite liked and thought was very well done for the 5-8ish age group, depending on reading level. It’s easy reading but it’s a nice introduction to a linear quest plot and has reasonably nice art. There was a sharp decline in quality for most of the second series but I decided I should read the last two books just to say I’d done it. I’m happy to say that books eleven and twelve improved the story a little bit, with characters Tag, Skyla and Blaze discovering that their enemy from the first series (The Shadow) had returned and had taken a new host: a rat king that lived in the Underland.

The League of Lady Poisoners

An excellent nonfiction volume that contains short overviews of some famous female poisoners throughout history. It includes some nice, stylized art that was a treat, and I enjoyed the way the writer explored some of the motivations or reasons that a woman in these various time periods might resort to poisoning without painting every figure with a ubiquitous brush of Evil Monster. It was pretty light and I would read a story or two in the evenings.

The Long Patrol

I love Redwall books and felt like picking up one I hadn’t read before would be a nice treat for the spring. You pretty much know exactly what you’re going to get when you read a Redwall book and this one didn’t disappoint. It focused on various hares of the Long Patrol, the current Badger Lady, and a fun cast in Redwall Abbey. The dilemma arises because one of the Abbey walls is caving in and needs to be repaired, while a band of Rapscallion vermin are marching to try to take the Abbey for themselves. Standard fare. Lots of good food descriptions, a coming of age story for a young hare who had run away to join the Long Patrol, and a Goonies-style adventure with the Abbess and some of her friends as they explore the caverns beneath the Abbey. I can’t say I loved the book, but I enjoyed it. If you want a Redwall adventure, it delivers.

Owls in the Family

A cute chapter book that’s set in Saskatchewan during the middle of the century. It focuses on Billy who has a tendency to adopt strange pets that he collects from the plains. His newest acquisition is a pair of owlets — one he finds in a bush under a storm with a very spunky personality, the other a very meek, nervous one that he rescues from a group of older boys who were throwing stones at it. The book is filled with a variety of fun adventures that come from having a pair of loyal owls as pets that lightly terrorise the neighbourhood. It’s considered a school classic, though be prepared for some light racism considering it was published in the sixties…

She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat

A sapphic food manga! It follows a protagonist who enjoys being able to cook and post about the meals she creates. She is somewhat resentful of the men who then expect that this means she will be a very “domestic” sort of girlfriend, someone who will consistently cook them meals and keep house. That’s not the point! She likes the artistry of cooking! One thing she’s never gotten much of a chance to try though is to create larger, more robust or complex meals, because as a single person there’s no way to eat it all. When she meets a neighbour from down the hall though, she’s delighted to have found someone who is very appreciative of her cooking and will enthusiastically join her in cooking and eating the meals. Such begins their relationship.

The Very Very Far North

This book feels like a modern day Winnie-the-Pooh. There’s a charming timelessness to it; it made an excellent bedtime book. The story follows Duane the polar bear as he gradually makes friends with some of the other animals who live in the Very Very Far North and the lighthearted adventures they have around the Arctic. The main theme of this story is how one can be friends with people who have very personalities and interests from yourself, and it does a great job of setting up each character as very different and then makes them learn how to coexist and get along.

Minecraft: The Village

The last of Max Brook’s Minecraft trilogy. I also can’t believe I’ve read three entire Minecraft novels considering I couldn’t give two hoots about the game in general, but Max Brooks treats the topic surprisingly seriously and creates a compelling story. The series began with the protagonist, Guy, waking up in this strange world with very few memories of his life before, and now forced to learn how to understand the bizarre rules of this world and learn how to survive. Each book in the series (The Island, The Mountain, The Village) expands the scope of Guy’s world and the challenges he has to overcome. The first book focuses on how to survive as an individual, how to learn and respect the natural world, and how to find a moral compass even on one’s own. The second book introduces a new character, Summer, and focuses on learning how to compromise and work alongside another person, and is all about friendship rules. The second was, imo, the weakest of the series but since I am not the intended audience the friendship lessons also felt the most dull to me. This third book was another uptick and may be my favourite of the series. Guy and Summer leave the Mountain in an effort to find a way to return to their true homes and along the way discover a Village that’s filled with villagers. In this book their world expands to include other people and cultures as they have to learn how to respect other people’s autonomy, and question what it means to exist as a society. It really poses some neat questions, I enjoyed the discussion a lot. A nice strong ending to the series.

[shadowbriar]

Regulus Black - Supermassive Black Hole II

Pairing : (F/M) || Regulus Black x Selwyn!Reader Word Count : 6.4k Warning : Curse words. Arguments. Mention of blood and unconscious SH. Please let me know if I've missed anything else. Synopsis : A simple arrangement turned into an everlasting one as two naïve children try to figure out their heart. Notes : This is the longest fic I've posted yet, I hope you wouldn't be bored midway. If you'd like to be tagged for the next chapters, please comment or reblog so I can add you to the tag list. If you like this story and would like to support me, please visit my kofi page and perhaps get me a coffee?☕

↞ Part I

If there is ever a day that Regulus hated more than most it would this very day when she turned sixteen. The calendar sitting on his bedside table stood proud, almost looking as if it was rubbing its numbers on his face. He stares at it with bitter glare, knocking the innocent item off of its position. He need not anything to remind him of the dreadful day. He couldn't forget her birthday even if he tried.

And he painfully had, indeed, tried.

Now sitting at the Slytherin Common Room with a book that failed to distract his mind, Regulus tries to put out his most nonchalant veneer. The act often fools his two best friends so he wasn't much worried he'll be called out for it. The only thing he has to worry about now is the internal feud happening inside him.

He knew that being sixteen meant that she would have a long line of gentlemen waiting for her hand. The silly tradition carried by the families of Sacred 28 to marry their children and keep their blood line pure was something Regulus felt proud of once, yet now seem to have loathed it more than anything. His parents, though not as outspoken and eager as he expected them to be, have also mentioned their intention of finding Regulus a wife. However, given the fact that he's the second born, his parents' focus was still heavily weighing on Sirius. Something that he feels grateful about.

"I think I'll ask my parents about it when we get back home." Rosier said, his cheeks looking slightly red "My family might not be as close to the Selwyns, but we're not that shabby of a family. I could still shoot my shot with her, don't you think?"

Regulus tried to hide his clenching jaw, resting his hand to his neck as he gave a small nod.

"Yeah, you'll do just fine." Crouch says, encouraging his friend "So long as Regulus here doesn't make his move, I'd say you're the only promising contender there is. I mean, who else is she going to marry? The Lestranges are old, Bulstrodes are a bunch of twats, and I doubt her family would let her marry a Malfoy. Their cocky selves would be the last thing the Selwyns would want for their only daughter."

"My brother is still out there, unbetrothed." Regulus says, eyes still glued on the leaves of his book "He could court her."

Crouch scoffs, "Highly doubt it."

"Why?" Regulus asks, this time looking up to see his friend's reaction "You don't think Sirius is decent enough to marry her?"

"Your brother doesn't like her like that, Reg." Crouch says "If he does he would've courted her a long time ago. You Blacks have been close to the Selwyns for years. If he ever had any interest in her he would've made his move already and yet, he hasn't."

Regulus remains silent. The arguments Crouch gave only made him want to punch the wall harder. As logical as his reasoning is, Regulus certainly did not need Crouch to entertain Rosier's intention. A sense of resentment is brewing inside him whenever he hears Rosier compliments or merely talks about her. He knew full well the extent of admiration his best friend has for her and yet he still hates it. No matter how genuine Rosier's feelings is, no one can advance with her.

No one but him.

He knew just how much of a coward and selfish bastard he was, for loving someone in silence yet acting as if he barely recognised her. But this persona is all he's known for years. This act is the only one he could put out around her. Perhaps this bitterness stems from the jealousy over how easy it is for his brother to be close with her, to make her laugh and cry in happiness. Growing up together meant that he’d seen first hand how things went with ease for her and Sirius and he couldn’t help but to feel envious about it. Regulus loves his brother dearly, just not when he's around her.

"Right, so it's settled then." Rosier said triumphantly, catching Regulus' attention once more "Now let's all pray to the seven hells that no one is sweet talking her parents yet."

Rosier's words set Regulus' skin ablaze. Sure, Rosier is a decent man, someone with a bright future who came from a respected family, but Regulus couldn't help but feel far superior to him. If only he could shed just a layer of his ego and talk to her, give barely half of the effort Rosier was so determined to do, he knew that he would have a bigger chance of being with her.

But is that what she wants? Would she want him to advance with his feelings? She's never shown any comfort whenever he's around. If anything, she looks like she was tormented whenever she breathed the same air as him. She was never as free and casual compared to when Sirius was around, so what exactly would be his one safety net that she would not reject and stomp his heart to the ground?

The noise of her friends congratulating her as she arrives at the Common Room made Regulus look up. An unconscious smile tugs in the corner of his lips, watching her being overwhelmed with the attention and congratulatory greetings. He wonders if there would ever be a time when he could be one of those people, surrounding her and celebrating her birthday with no awkwardness nor worry poisoning his brain.

Regulus could feel the couch shifted on his side. Rosier was already on his feet, approaching her with a nervous gesture. He greets her, wishing her a happy birthday before pulling her for a hug. Regulus scoffed, since when were those two close?

Trying to diffuse the anger boiling inside, Regulus turns back to his book. It was to no use, he knew it. There's nothing in this world that could distract his mind from her and the not subtle approach Rosier is taking but he couldn't show his jealousy. It's not like she was hers to begin with.

He could hear how Crouch begins to talk about her possible betrothal and Regulus has to gather every willpower to not stand up and deck his friend. He wanted them to shut up, both Crouch and Rosier. And it didn't help that Crouch tried to involve him in the conversation, asking his opinion about how the three of them could be her eligible bachelor, which of course Regulus could only answer with a hum.

“Don’t you want to say happy birthday to Selwyn, Regulus?” Rosier asked.

Regulus sighs before putting his book down and looking up. He wanted to take her hand and steal her away from his friends, as furthest as they could go. Now that she’s standing next to Rosier, he could see just how plausible their reunion would be. Though he’s still much better than Rosier in plenty of disciplines, Regulus has to admit that his best friend is an appropriate suitor for her.

And so he forced a smile, “Happy birthday.”

“Thanks.” She replied short, not showing any sense of impression “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have somewhere else to be.”

Regulus averts his eyes back to his book, hiding the slight disappointment of her sour response. Perhaps he could’ve been more friendly with his words or be more genuine with his smile, but it’s hard to show his true intention when the two people he wanted to hex to death were standing on her side. He wanted to slap the smug off of Crouch’s face and push Rosier away from her. The sight of her being close to the opposite gender irritates him to the bone.

The words he’s reading suddenly make no sense, evaporating into thin air before it could ever be registered in his brain. He wonders if she was going to meet Sirius. What kind of gift has his brother prepared for her? Would she pull his brother for a hug after he handed it to her? If Regulus were to give her a present himself, would she have accepted it? Would she respond to him the same way she would to Sirius?

Regulus let out a small sigh. All these questions feel like a labyrinth with no exit. Every wonder, what ifs and scenarios running across his mind had turned into a new form of air that though it hurt him, Regulus couldn’t imagine passing a day without it. If only he could read her mind.

—-

Regulus has been running around the castle for almost half an hour now. His skin was covered in sweat, cheeks slightly red from exhaustion. He runs his hand through his hair, feeling rather desperate to find his brother. He needs to make haste before things get a little bit too late for him to salvage.

“Sirius!” He called, running to his brother who was still in his quidditch robe “We need to talk.”

“Later, Reg.” The older boy dismissed “I need to take a shower first.”

“Now.”

Sirius stares at his younger brother strangely. The state Regulus was in was making him alert. Regulus has never looked so unkempt. His eyes were pleading, something Sirius hasn’t seen in a very long time. Understanding the urgency, Sirius nods and follows his little brother to the quieter side of the quidditch field.

“You need to marry Selwyn.” Regulus said with no warning.

“What?” Sirius responded in surprise, widening his eyes “What are you talking about?”

“You need to ask for Selwyn's hand in marriage.” Regulus repeated, his eyes still showing the same despair “I’ll help talk to Mother and Father though I know they would have no problem with you marrying her. We have to owl them fast-”

“Wait, hold on. Where are all these coming from?”

Regulus seethes, hopelessness bleeding out of him, “It doesn’t matter where it’s coming from. What matters is you’re marrying her.”

“I’m not going to marry Selwyn just because you told me to!” Sirius argues, feeling confused and lost at his brother’s urgent demand “What in the bloody hell is going on, Regulus?”

Regulus wanted to pull every single strand of his hair off of his scalp. He paces back and forth, biting on his fist. He knew just how frenzied he’s looking right now. The bewildered look on Sirius’ face is a clear sign of how mental he’s become. If only he could be transparent to his brother.

“Rosier is going to ask for her hand.” Regulus said, trying to gather his composure “He’s owled his parents to talk to hers. I heard him talk to Crouch earlier and from the look of it, it seems like the Selwyns are giving him a green light.”

“Right.” Sirius squinted his eyes, still not following the apocalyptic reasoning behind Regulus’ actions “What’s the problem with that?”

“The problem with that, Sirius, is that Rosier is going to marry Selwyn!” Regulus yells in despair “How can you stand there and ask what’s the problem with Rosier wanting to marry her? It’s Selwyn! How can you let her marry Rosier?”

Sirius shakes his head, completely lost as to where the conversation is going, “What’s so bad about Rosier? Isn’t he one of your pals?”

“Yes, he’s one of my closest friends but that’s beside the point, alright! The point is that Selwyn can’t marry Rosier.”

“So she should marry me?”

Regulus nods, “Yes, she should marry you.”

“Why?”

Regulus closed his mouth, trying to find the right words to utter.

“Why should I marry her, Reg?”

“Because she likes you.”

Sirius raised his brows, “And how do you know this? Did she tell you herself?”

“No.” He answered, feeling cornered “Look, I can’t give you the answer you’re looking for but you have to marry her, alright? She can’t marry Rosier or any other guy. Just- Just marry her, Sirius, please.”

Sirius stares at his brother with a perplexed expression, still trying to make sense of the words he’s just uttered. None of it was making any sense. Why would it be so bad for her to marry Rosier? What’s so wrong about him? And why does it have to be Sirius to be the one to marry her instead?

“Look, brother,” Sirius sighs, coming close to him and places a hand to his shoulder “I understand that you care about her, I do too, but this doesn’t seem to be something we should meddle with. Whoever she or her parents choose has nothing to do with us.”

Regulus remains quiet.

“Honestly, Regulus. If you don’t want to see her marry anyone else then why don’t you go ask her to marry you? Why do you have to point fingers at me?”

Sirius’ question felt like an arrow piercing through his chest. Of course he’s thought of marrying her, to be the one asking for her hand. To marry her would be a dream come true for Regulus. The idea of waking up in the morning beside her, spending their lazy days, and growing old together was something Regulus would kill to achieve. But given their history, such a dream feels too good to be true and if there is anyone who could make her happy, it would be Sirius, not Regulus.

“I can’t make her happy.” Regulus reasoned, his voice barely above a whisper “But you can. I’ve never seen her more joyful than when she was with you. Don’t you think she deserves to be with someone who could make her happy?”

“Regulus,” Sirius sighs, trying his best to give an understanding to his panicked brother “I can’t make her happy the way a husband should. And I agree with you, she deserves someone who could make her happy. She deserves much more than that, but that person isn’t me. I’m not the one she should be marrying.”

The younger boy remained quiet. Sirius doesn't understand the severity of the condition they’re in. How could he stand there and not feel the slightest terror of the chance of her marrying the wrong man? Doesn’t he want what’s best for her? And what would’ve been best for her if not Sirius?

“Regulus-”

“So you won’t marry her?” He cuts Sirius’ words “You’re not going to ask her to marry you?”

Sirius frowns, shaking his head, “No.”

“Fine.” Regulus nods, turning his heels.

“Regulus, where are you going?” Sirius shouts, his words not welcomed by his brother “Don’t do things you’ll regret later, Reg!”

Regulus’ steps are now filled with seethe. He’s never felt more angry and disappointed at Sirius than he is right now. Worry is still poisoning his mind, making his head turn hazy. She can’t marry Rosier, he can’t make her happy. What does he know about making her smile? Does he even know what her favourite flowers are? Regulus highly doubts it. But if Rosier isn’t good enough, then who else could court her?

—-

“Selwyn, a word.”

Regulus licks his lip in nervousness. The strange look she’s showing was watering his confidence. Well, it wasn’t exactly confidence that’s making him bold enough to approach her. However, a second ago he still had the slightest assurance that, at the very least she would say yes to the proposition he’s going to offer. Now, he wasn’t so sure.

Once he sees that she is getting up from her seat, Regulus quickly turns on his heels and leads her outside. His heart was beating fast. The fastest he’s ever felt and he fears that it would give up any second now. He tries his best to maintain a decent composure, curling his fists into a ball as he tries to piece coherent words into his head. For someone who’s always been articulate, Regulus has now found himself at the loss of words.

“Will you spill your words or am I only being called to watch you pace back and forth, Regulus?” She says with a baffled expression “What is it, is everything alright?”

“Date me.”

Regulus wanted to facepalm himself. The two words rolled out of his tongue unexpectedly. He could’ve given her a head start, give her one or two sentences of explanation before heading straight to his proposition. But what exactly can he explain to her? That he’s desperate and scared that she would marry someone else? That he’s scared she would end up and marry Rosier? No, he can’t say that. It would only ruin the very least strands of friendship they have.

Her mouth was agape, eyes widened as he stared at him as if he’d just grown an extra limb, “Come again?”

“Please don’t make me repeat it.”

Despair was apparent in his eyes. He could only hope that she could see through his strugglesome self that couldn’t fully express his true intention and say yes. He prays that his eyes could tell her everything his mouth could not utter. They’ve been close for years, surely she could tell one or two things about him better than anyone else.

“Yeah, not funny, Regulus.” She says, rolling her eyes “Is this some kind of silly bet you made with Rosier or Crouch?”

Regulus’ jaws tensed at the mentioning of his friends, “No.”

“Then why exactly would you come to me and say those words?”

“Because I like you.”

His mouth felt dry right after he laid out his cards. Sure it wasn’t the most romantic way to express his feelings, but it was as good as it could get. It was the most honest reason he could give her. He likes her. Perhaps a little bit too much for it to ever be healthy. He wanted to tell her that it was her that he would always think of last before he drifted off to sleep and the first he would think of when he opened his eyes in the morning. But given the circumstances, perhaps he could dive in further with his details later when things are more within control.

Yet perhaps he wouldn’t be able to as she rolled her eyes and turned her heels, “I don’t have time for this, Regulus.”

Regulus gulped. His worst nightmare finally came true.

“So is that a no, then?” Regulus asked, stopping her pace “Do you not want to date me?”

“No, I don’t want to date you.” She says, turning herself back to face him.

“Why not?” His brows are now knitted, confused and looking slightly offended.

“Because, Regulus,” She answers with a long sigh of exasperation “Not everyone in this castle finds you attractive.”

Her words strike him down like lightning. As if the day wasn’t nightmarish already, she just has to continue and rub it on his face as she’s never seen him that way. What was he thinking? The confidence he once had was shredded, completely pulverised as she now stands by him with a nonchalant gesture. She was rejecting him and stomping his heart to the ground.

Regulus clears his throat, “So you have someone else you fancy then?”

She remains quiet, eyes still glued on his.

Right, of course. If he had to make a wild guess, that lucky git would be none other than his brother, he’s sure of it. The way Sirius is able to make her laugh must’ve been the principal cause. No one has ever been able to make her look as radiant and euphoric. What exactly could Regulus do to compete with that?

“Very well.” Regulus says, taking her silence as his confirmation “I’m sorry to have caused you some inconveniences. Let’s pretend the last twenty minutes didn’t happen.”

Unable to spend another second there, Regulus quickly turned and walked away. He could physically hear his heart breaking with each step. What exactly was he thinking? That she would just say yes and date him? In what universe would she ever reciprocate his feelings? She’s never looked at him twice, even when Sirius wasn’t around. The chance he was so confident to have was nothing but mere illusion. He’s never had a chance with her. Never.

—-

To say last night was agonising would be an understatement. Regulus couldn't sleep, knowing that he’s burned the bridges between them. He shouldn’t have said a word. He shouldn’t have asked her to date him. He shouldn’t have confessed his feelings. Now he’s got nothing left to keep. He was sure that she would never want to see him again, as if their limited interaction over the years wasn’t already tormenting him.

Sirius was right, he shouldn’t have done things out of haste. Now look at the damage he’s caused. There’s nothing left for him to safe, nothing for him to fix. He’s lost her completely over some dumb confession he could’ve done better at.

“Regulus,” She called, making her presence known “We need to talk.”

Regulus looked up, swallowing his saliva at the sight of her. He certainly didn’t expect her to find him at the library, breaking his train of thought of the disaster he caused yesterday, “About?”

“You know what about.”

He sighs and puts his book down, gesturing to her to proceed. Perhaps this is his chance to salvage whatever is left for him to pick up. Maybe he could come up with a better explanation that would save her from a marriage, especially from Rosier. However the look on her face was giving him signs that things would not go as easy as he would like it to be.

“What in the seven hells were you doing yesterday?” She snapped in a hushed volume “Were you drunk? Did someone spike you with some tonic?”

“No, I was fine.” He answers, not wanting her to think that his intention was anything close to some joke or silly prank “I only wanted to know if you wanted to date me, is all.”

“Why?”

“Because,” 

Regulus pauses, biting his lower lip as if debating to continue his words. Should he tell her the truth? Should he tell her that he fears of her marrying Rosier? But what would he answer when she asks why? That he loves her too much to see her be with someone that he knew wouldn’t make her happy? Would she believe his words? She didn’t even seem to be much convinced of his confession yesterday, what would make this one truth give a different outcome?

And so he resorted to the one thing he’s good at, lying, “My parents are arranging me to marry Greengrass.”

Her brows rose, stunned at the new information spilled.

“I was wondering if you’d like to date me so I can stall more time before a marriage happens.” He continued to lie, eyes not looking at her in an attempt to not have his false words caught “Sirius has made it clear that he has no interest in getting married soon, especially with anyone my parents chose for him, so my parents turned to me and arranged the marriage. They fear that I might rebel and follow my brother’s missteps.”

There was a brief silence. Regulus still wouldn’t dare to look up, afraid that one look of her would crumble his sheer veneer of lies. He could only pray that she would buy his lie and finally agree to date him. Even if it was a fake one and had to be based on lies, whatever it takes to stall time for her to get married, he would be up for it.

Though he isn’t sure how he would function with such distress.

“Then why did you ask me to date you?” She asks with a soft voice, perhaps trying to understand the situation better “Don’t you think that’s a bit cruel to ask a girl to be their girlfriend when he’s betrothed to another?”

“I thought we could pretend to date each other so my parents would call the arrangement off. I mean, it’s a good proposal, don’t you think? I know your parents must be planning for your arrangement too, so I thought we could just date and make them postpone the arrangements.” He continued, fabricating more lie that he knew would bite him in the arse one day “Assuming that you’re not ready for a marriage too, of course.”

“Then why didn’t you just say so? Why did you have to lie and say that you liked me?”

Regulus gulps, regret filling his eyes once more. Was it really that hard to believe that he really liked her? Even if he was really betrothed to another, it doesn’t diminish the fact that he really does like her. Perhaps the way he carried his words yesterday and the lies he’s giving right now was leading her to a different conclusion.

“So you don’t want to marry Greengrass?”

Regulus shakes his head slowly, “No, I don’t. And I don’t think I ever would want to.”

She taps her fingers to the wooden table. The sound of it was driving Regulus mad. Perhaps he’s taken it too far. He shouldn’t have uttered those lies. He should’ve just apologised and asked for her forgiveness. Who knows what those words would lead them now?

“Look, it was a foolish proposition, I understand. I don’t expect-”

“Fine,” She says short, letting out a long exhale “Let’s do it.”

Regulus raised his brows, “What?”

“I said, let’s do it. It’s a favourable offer for us both, so I’m game.” She says firmly, looking assured “But just so we’re clear, this is business strictly. No emotions, no feelings, what so ever. The second either of us catch it, we’ll tell it to each other and call it off, deal?”

No deal. How could he agree to such a proposition when he’s already so plastered over her? But this is as good as it could get. At least they could have more time to postpone a marriage and hopefully this would water down Rosier’s intention on marrying her. Or any other guy, really. Perhaps one of these days Regulus could muster the courage and ask her to be his wife genuinely.

“Don’t flatter yourself.” Regulus says as he takes out his hand for her to shake “Deal.”

—-

Regulus pulled her hand and led her to his compartment. He knew that Rosier and Crouch wouldn’t be joining them today. The news of them dating had spread like wildfires and Regulus could understand the hatred Rosier must be having right now. He quite literally steals his bird right under his nose. He hasn’t shared a word to Rosier and honestly had no intention to. All is well for Regulus so long as he has her by his side. The world could burn into ashes for all he cares.

“Have you owled your parents?” He asks as he takes a seat “Told them about us?”

She nods, “A couple of days ago.”

“And what did they say?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t opened their letters.” She shrugs, plopping into the seat in front of him “Reckon I could just witness their reactions first hand when we arrive.”

Regulus nods, not uttering another word.

He too hasn’t opened any of his parents’ letters. For some reason they have sent him more than the usual and he couldn’t be bothered to find out why. Regulus could only suspect that the news of him dating her was making his parents ecstatic. At least one of their sons is continuing the family tradition. 

Regulus glances at her who’s now looking out of the glass door, watching as students come in and look for their designated compartments. Her face lights up when she sees Sirius, waving at him with that big smile Regulus always feels envious about. Sirius grins back at her, only to have a sour expression when he sees him. He gave a small nod to Regulus before continuing his walk and following his friends away.

Of course his brother was pissed. He’s told Sirius about their fake relationship and as expected, Sirius was beyond angry at the news. He couldn’t believe how deceitful Regulus’ decision is, to limit her from finding her true match. If only Regulus would be honest to his brother about his true intention, perhaps Sirius wouldn’t be as angry and would understand where he’s coming from. Yet he didn’t and the half answered questions only made Sirius believe in the worst of him.

“What was that?”

“What was what?”

“You know what.” She says, sounding irritated “Must you really ask questions you know the answer to? It doesn’t make you seem cool, you know. It makes you look like a twat.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, “Why are you asking me? Ask Sirius, he’s the one who seems to have a problem with us being together.”

She shows an annoyed look before turning her eyes back outside.

Regulus licks his lower lip. The fake dating has certainly given them more interactions yet they’re far from how he would've wanted it to be. He knew that he could have acted less of an arse and been more open to her, but the guilt of keeping her so selfishly when it was clear that she didn't want to be anywhere close to him was eating him alive. Everytime she was by his side, the fear of her finding out that he was deceiving her would haunt him. He wouldn’t know what he would do if she ever finds out and hates him. He would rather cast himself the killing curse than to live with that pain.

“We have to talk about what to do during the break.” Regulus says, eyes still glued to his book so he wouldn’t have to see her and make him feel more guilty “I’ll owl you weekly and come to every parties and soirees your parents are holding. I suppose your birthday party is coming, right?”

She turns her head to him, eyebrows furrows, “Weekly? You think that would suffice?”

“I don’t owl anyone so a letter weekly is a luxury.” He said as he looked up to her “You can send me your letters as frequently as you want but know that I’ll only be replying once a week.”

“You’re impossible.” She scoffs, folding her hands in front of her chest “Daily. You are to owl me everyday. You tell me about how your day went, tell me how much you miss me, how much you miss holding hands with me, and you are to send me flowers. I like orchids, so send me those.”

Regulus remains quiet. Those wouldn’t be too hard to do, knowing that those things she said are the very thing he wanted to do each day. And she needed not to tell him what her favourite flower was, he knew. He knew about her more than he would be willing to say. Did she really think that he wouldn’t when he’s been so head over heels for her for years?

“Fine.” He says, closing his book “Any other request?”

She pursed her lips, contemplating, “We have to stop calling each other by our names.”

“What do you mean?”

“Couples don’t do that. They call each other by their pet names.” She explains “I mean that’s what my friends do.”

“I see.” Regulus nods slowly “I’ll call you motormouth.”

“Motormouth?” She asks, appalled “That’s not a pet name, that’s an insult!”

“Well if you learn to quiet down a bit we’ll upgrade to something more mediocre like Darling or Love.”

“Fine,” She spat in annoyance “Honey Puff.”

Regulus glares, “Don’t call me that.”

“Aw, does my dear lover hate to be called with cute names?” She taunts, faking a cute pout “Should we call you Pooh Bear instead?”

Regulus turns back to his book with a fake annoyed scoff. He could only hope that the strands of his hair that are now covering his face would be enough to hide the slight blush appearing on his cheeks. Sure he hates the pet name, but knowing that it was something he got to do with her warms his heart. Who would have known that the Regulus Black is actually such a softie on the inside?

—-

“What’s going on, Regulus?”

His brother’s whisper was making Regulus sweat, walking into the Selwyns’ Manor with colour draining from his face, “I don’t know.”

“Why are we here?” Sirius continues to ask “And why is the garden decorated as if someone’s about to get married?”

Regulus gulped. Is she going to get married? Did the plan not work? Is this why his parents have been sending him more owls? Not because of pride and happiness but because of shame that their son is dating someone who’s already betrothed to another?

The Black brothers were walking a few steps behind her, looking and studying the situation around them. A party is about to be held, just not the ones they would usually go to. Orchids were placed everywhere, her one favourite flower. Regulus could feel his breathing getting shorter in fear. Is this truly the end for them?

“Darling, welcome home!” Mrs. Selwyn greets, pulling her daughter into a warm embrace “It’s so good to see you, my love. And welcome Regulus, Sirius. I hope the journey back was pleasant for you, yes? Your parents are inside, preparing themselves.”

Regulus raised his brows, “They’re here?”

“Well of course they are! They wouldn’t miss their son’s wedding would they?”

“His what?” She asks in surprise, pulling away from her mother’s embrace “Who’s marrying who?”

“You, of course, you silly goose. You’re marrying Regulus.” Her mother teased, poking her daughter’s nose “Did you not read the letters I’ve sent you? Walburga and Orion thought that it would be best to hold the wedding now, seeing that the both of you are already dating, anyway. Your father and I thought the same. We’ve sent the both of you letters but neither of you replied, so we assumed that there was no rejection against the idea.”

Regulus remained quiet, trying to digest the unexpected news.

“My darling girl.” Her mother says warmly, looking at her daughter proudly before turning to Regulus with a warm smile “We didn’t need to put you two in an arranged marriage, after all.”

His eyebrows rose. Arranged marriage? Between him and her?

“I have to get back inside and make sure the catering is ready.” Mrs. Selwyn says before excusing herself inside.

The three children were still frozen, their souls sucked out of their body. The words come into one ear and exit the other with no remarks. His head was fuzzy, unable to comprehend anything that’s just been told to him.

“I’ll look for Mother and Father, see if they’ve got some better explanations.” Sirius says before getting inside the manor.

Regulus watched as his brother disappeared into the manor. His ears were ringing, feet light as if he was afloat. Only on the worst way possible. He couldn’t believe the reality he’s in. Just how great of a mess he’s caused for her.

She turned to him and called, “Regulus.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He cursed under his breath, rummaging his hair as he paced back and forth “What in the holly fuck is going on in our parents’ head?! We’re sixteen, for fuck’s sake! What exactly are they rushing for?!”

Regulus could feel his skin melting in despair. How did he let things get this severe? He only wanted to have more time, to keep her by his side just a little longer. What does the universe have against him that made his life this difficult?

“Regulus, quiet down.” She whispers, noticing the stares thrown at them “People are staring.”

“And you,” He turns, finger pointing at her “Why couldn’t you just open the bloody letters? We could’ve avoided this!”

“Me? How is it my fault? You were sent letters too and you didn’t know. I’m not the only party at fault for not being diligent with my post!”

Regulus clenches his jaws in anger. He lets out a small growl. He didn’t mean to blame her, he was just desperate is all. Yet of course as always he could only make her feel more uncomfortable around him. Just another thing to add to the list of what’s stressing him out right now.

His anger was quickly subdued when he turned to her, noticing that her excessive bite to her lower lip was making it bleed. It was one of the very detailed thing he noticed of her. Whenever she feels scared or unsure of herself, she would bite her lower lip until it bleeds and would have the least realisation of it. She would act as if such action was nothing, as if it doesn’t hurt her the slightest.

“Stop, that. Don’t hurt yourself.” Regulus says as he hands her his handkerchief “Stop mutilating yourself.”

She took the white cloth and pressed it to her lips, still not giving any care for herself, “What do we do know?”

“I don’t know.” Regulus sighs, feeling like he’s going to give in anytime now “I don’t think we could ever out mind our parents' wicked plans. They’re sick in the head, is what they are.”

“Don’t talk about my parents like that, I love them.” She argues, a slight pout evident on her face “Even when they’re being dickheads like this.”

Regulus smiled at the refreshing sight, yet such bliss only lasted for a second as he took a hard gulp, “So will you do it? Will you marry me?”

“Do I really have a choice?”

He mentally winces at her question. He hates the fact that she thinks she’s got no other choice but to marry him. He hated himself for putting her in such a situation, to give her no other option but to marry him though it’s obvious that she has no interest to do it. He hates himself to have forced her to marry him this way.

But Regulus knew that there’s nothing he could do to go against his parents’ decision. The marriage is already in motion and there’s no other way for him but to go forward. He could only pray that one day she would find the way to forgive him.

“Alright, let’s get married, then.”

↠ Part III

[rosesfox]

tbona finally arrived in my country, in my language, and i did a very useful re-reading 🥹 i have a few points to highlight!

❥ evangeline is a seventeen-year-old girl who has nothing in her life. she has no friends, relatives or family. she is alone. she is a deeply lonely character. in this book, what she clings to is a chance to be happy with apollo. that, to me, fully justifies her ''attachment'' to him. everyone judges her a lot for fighting for apollo, but she herself says that she just doesn't want to be alone in the world. she wants to be loved and she wants to give love, and that's not a flaw. in fact, it's a very human and real motivation.

❥ for me jacks is a difficult character to crack and i mean that as a compliment. it makes him very interesting to me. i feel as naive as evangeline when i say that he is more than he says he is, because his actions always shows more. there are all these hints throughout the book that point out who he once was, who he tried to be and failed, and how he constantly seems to be fighting a battle with himself. i don't know if my vision is partial, but all i can think about is that he tries to keep eva away from him and fails.

❥ which brings me to another point: he is much more aware of the situation between them than she is. to illustrate, we have the scene of lala's party. evangeline feels crazy jealous of jacks and blames the stones and, in addition, also uses the stones to justify the jealousy he felt. meanwhile, jacks tells her that the situation between them is not going to work out. he's aware of where the two of them are heading (dare i say since ouabh.) she tries to convince herself that there's nothing going on there, but he knows. he knows what he's feeling and he knows he can't get carried away by it.

❥  which, again, reminds me of another point! from the beginning of the book, in the first few chapters, he acts affectionately. he has a genuine interest in keeping evangeline not just alive but well. he doesn't want to put her at risk, he doesn't want her to get hurt. (interestingly, he's such an asshole to everyone else that even his friends can't believe he has this genuine interest in taking care of her. and he really does. despite that, chaos is aware, also since ouabh, how much jacks cares. he talks, on more than one occasion, about how evangeline affects jacks and could be the death of him.) we know he needs to keep her alive, but he doesn't just do that. he worries. he gets to be affectionate, he helps with luc, with marisol, he gets irritated when he learns that she has been cursed, he gets offended when evangeline suspects him, he’s jealous of apollo. he just can't help it, and we have this whole interesting construct of him trying to keep her at a distance but by the time they get to the hollow, he just doesn't want to let her go anymore. he gives in to what he wanted all the time. he seems uncertain when he tells her that she'll forget everything, and was very close to becoming the next petra and his addiction would be evangeline. for evangeline is what he really wants but cannot have.

❥ i have a few thoughts on the valor family, aurora, lysander and jacks himself, but this post might get too long. 👀

i just love jacks as a character, i think his story with evangeline is very well built and it makes perfect sense in my head. only smart people understand the depth of it 😌