#i might delete this later cause it's so depressing and it's not *me* but it's also how i feel right now

[pebblysand]

Heyyyy im dying for an update on castles!! Any hope of getting one soon?😭💗

hi anon! thanks for your message! the tl;dr answer to this is: no.

or, i don't know. maybe? sigh. it's just been a lot lately.

it's a funny one, you know? most of you will not remember this, but there used to be a time when i would share (maybe overshare - is that a word? i've always wondered why that is a word when it's your platform and your rules and people can just choose to ignore you) on tumblr. not just about fics and writing and peaky blinders, but also about me. the stuff i felt. the stuff that was going on in my life. lots of things.

i grew up in an era of blogging and livejournal (seeing dreamwidth make a comeback lately is oh-so-bizarre, btw) where people opened up online - sometimes too much. this was before doxxing, before cancel culture, before it became dangerous to do so. people would complain about their jobs, their mates - the internet was an outlet. and, i don't know if it was better or worse, i'm not here to make value judgements and i've always thought people who say "things were better in my day" sound like absolute twats, but it was undoubtedly different. i've had this conversation with someone on discord lately, about the dreamwidth comeback actually, when this person said: 'people get real personal on there, though' and i was like: 'yeah, i suppose it's just the culture of the place.' a place where, unlike tumblr and everything that came after it, most of the content produced was through words, rather than images. when the internet was still made for writers and you weren't afraid of "clogging" someone's dash with posts that were too long to be digested in less than ten seconds.

the thing is: i like writing. it makes it easier to organise thoughts. and, up to 2020 (2021, even) i used to post monthly updates on my writing, but also about my life, for you. remember how i told you when i passed my bar exam? how i quit my job, found another job, and then another one. i told you about the boy and hinted at my break-up. i told you about how one of my best friends sank into a very toxic relationship, from which i couldn't save her. i told you when my dad died. it wasn't even that long ago. and, i explained to you that for these reasons, and maybe others, i didn't have a chapter out as early as i would have liked. and, you understood. you were kept up with what was going on. it was the pandemic and a different time.

but then, gradually (oh-so-quickly and oh-so-slowly), "you" became "many." i like that word - "many" - it's what my hairdresser said the first time she cut my hair: "they are very fine, but there are very, very, many of them." i suppose that between the first chapter of castles and the latest, my follower count grew into the hundreds and i got - well, scared. scared to share: what i thought, why i wasn't posting, how much or how little i was writing, how i was feeling. because there were too many of you. because i started to hold myself up to higher standards, too.

the truth is that no one wants to listen to anyone on the internet complain. it's not fun. and, specifically, no one wants to listen to fanfiction writers complain. why would they? why would they moan about how busy they are? about how creatively drained they might be? about how maintaining a healthy balance between real life, a job, and writing, is hard, if you do it seriously. because it's a hobby. because it's not "real" writing. because it doesn't matter.

well, anon, i'll tell you something. the voice in my head, it goes like this: why are you tired? it's just fanfiction. stop taking yourself and your little stupid story so seriously. stop thinking this is Important because you're writing about something you feel is important. no one cares. and: you only wrote 80,000 words last year, people write full-blown nanos in a month, calm down. it's not that bad, you don't have children. it's not that bad, you don't have dying parents. it's not that bad, you have money. you're a white cis privileged girl who can afford to spend her free time on writing because you don't have to work multiple paying jobs to foot the bills. so many people do. people who are much busier than you write a lot more than you do. shut up, what are you crying about? why are you responding to this poor anon with anything other than "soon, i hope." they weren't even mean about it.

and, i like the word "many" because it encompasses the realness of it, the repetition of it. many, many, many. it's less theoretical than "a lot". you can't say: a lot, a lot, a lot. it's morning as i write this, irish drizzle blown in by the wind against my window, thin droplets like static and i wonder: could i isolate thirty thousand? count up to thirty thousand little drops of rain against glass and imagine what that would look like as people. that's a small stadium, isn't it? and, it's also almost how many people have clicked on castles, in the past three years. it's also how many people, in my head, are telling me to just suck it up and write the next chapter. it's been a month already, hasn't it?

to tell you the truth, i still overshare with some people. there's a very small discord i'm on which is more like a group chat with my best internet friends. it's a lot of fun. and, i'm not going to tag them here for fear that you might come at them with pitchforks, but after i was explaining this to them, how exhausted and drained and lost i've been feeling lately, i had some, last week, tell me i should just give up castles. just stop, recharge, take care of myself. it's just a fic, it doesn't matter. let it go, you know?

so, yeah. you read that right, anon dearest. people who i really love, and trust, told me i should put your beloved on an indefinite hiatus and move on with my life. how's that for an update? and, they didn't say it in a "this is a bad fic and it's not worth continuing" kind of way, but in a "it's not worth working yourself into the ground" kind of way. in a "fanfiction is a hobby" kind of way.

i typically count years from september to august (i'm still in school, in my head, sue me) and this past one has been long and hard. for reasons that i won't explain because of the "very many" issue i mentioned above. for reasons that i also won't explain because as i also mentioned above, i can't help but always compare myself to people who have it worse. but, the fact of the matter is that whilst i'm not really asking for sympathy, i do want to say this, as i hope it will help provide a bit of context to how i'm feeling right now, in terms of writing.

anon dearest, i'm exhausted. i'm bored. i'm turning thirty in 24 days. i'm sick and tired of putting everything in my life on hold "until i finish castles". i would estimate that right now (and for the past three years) castles has eaten up about 75% of my free time. i think the first couple years, i didn't really mind. because it was the pandemic. because there wasn't much else i wanted to do. but now, when i see my friends, i try to schedule it on weekday evenings because i want to keep my weekends for writing. when i travel at the weekends, take holidays, do anything that will take me more than a couple hours, it's a compromise made against writing time. a compromise i often feel guilty about because it delays the next update and because ultimately, it delays the moment when i do finish castles. when i am able to move on to something else. move on with my life and also maybe another story of my own.

these past few months, i wrote almost every day from late march until last week because i knew i'd be going home to france in august and wouldn't be able to write there, so i needed to get ahead. everything in my life is planned around writing and updating and i'm a little bit burnt out, anon. it's typical summer me, nothing to really worry about, i felt the same last year (those who were already here will remember) but it doesn't make it suck less. and, that's why people are telling me to give up. because i keep getting stuck in this cycle of overworking myself, getting burnt out, taking a month off and diving back in again. it's fanfiction and it's a hobby and it's meant to be fun and it's just not fun anymore. it feels endless and draining and like a vampire eating my "good" years. time my mates are spending getting married and having children. and, even if i don't think that's what i want for myself, precisely, i still don't feel like the life i'm currently living is one i want to be living in five years' time.

i don't want to be exhausted. i don't want to be working all the time. this groundhog day of getting up, opening up my (work, or personal) laptop, deliveroo-ing my meals, working until 9:30 pm, and repeat. i have seven chapters left to go to the end, which will take 12 to 18 months, and i don't think i can go on like this for another year. i don't want to. something's gotta give: my IRL life, my job, or this "hobby", and it is logical (oh-so-logical) that it should be the latter.

and, yet. when my pocket friends suggested this, i came at them with pitchforks. i said: no. no, no, no, no. i can't give up. i don't want to give up. i love this story. it's unnerving and draining and exhausting, but haven't touched it for a week and i already miss it - it's crazy. and, it's true: it's not fun, but writing, to me, has never been "fun". it's: fulfilling, exhilarating, meaningful, it gives me the chills and a sense of peace but it's not "fun". i don't know who the fuck writes for "fun". you can enjoy things that aren't "fun", you know? i definitely do.

and, if i had to pick one thing to give up on that list, honestly, it would be my job - 100%. i'd finish castles in six months, if i could give that up. but, i can't, lovely anon. because fanfic doesn't pay. because writing doesn't pay. and whilst i do have a savings account that i intend to use someday to take time off to write, i don't think i could justify using it for anything other than original fiction. because at least, there would be a tiny bit of hope that the book might get picked up and i could make my money back. i can't, like, quit my job to write fanfiction, can i? even if i did set up a patreon, i doubt you all would want to fund me, lol.

so, i don't know. i don't know what to do, anon. i don't want to give up castles. realistically, i probably won't. realistically, i'm probably going to keep ploughing through and overworking myself and feeling like i'm throwing my youth and my free time away into this project that everyone will most likely forget the moment it is finished. right now, to answer your question, i have about 6,000 words on the new chapter. right now, i'm also taking august off writing. to recharge, to sleep, and only write if i feel like it. later? i don't know. i think i'm in a place where i've just got 30,000 words out in three months and i'm too brain-dead to think clearly. i am acutely aware that this issue doesn't have a solution (or at least one that i like) but i might be more willing to compromise my life again after a bit of rest and holidays.

anyway, sorry for being a debbie downer, anon. and sorry i don't have an update for you. i'm dying for one, too.

[pepprs]

ykw that was exactly the thing i was vaguing about earlier this morning btw (sorry). since saturday night the whole topic of [pausing here to transform into a hideous beast because of the word my phone was trying to suggest i put after ‘topic of.’ like could this get any more meta and/or disturbing] anyways the whole topic of.. me and how i am or am not situated like.. r*mantically. it’s been multiple times every day since saturday night that it’s come up in posts i see in irl convos in photo memory reminders in shows my family is watching etc. ajd im not like mad at anyone/thing for posting / talking about it it’s just i feel like exploding a little bit between me myself and i that’s all

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for having a foursome without my partner while in a committed relationship?

I, 18f, am in a relationship with my partner who I will call Mike, 21m. Our relationship started in January when we meet on a hookup sight, and we liked the hookup enough to keep seeing each other and then we developed feelings. I'm from a pretty rural place and therefore the pickings of good men are slim so it felt like I hit the jackpot when I met Mike cause he was funny and didn't pressure me sexually and could actually make me cum.

But as our relationship became more serious I noticed things that were bothering me like how he's hardly on his phone so he doesn't text me back for anywhere from 2 to over 24 hours at a time.

He also in the beginning wasn't very good at communicating which lead me to not knowing what he wants from our relationship. He also wouldn't tell me he couldn't make plans until right before, or even after, the plans were meant to start. This happened often because he doesn't tell his parents that he has other plans when they ask him to do something (he still lives with his parents) and it even happened a couple times with his friends.

This is a slightly big issue to me because I have trauma based abandonment issues and BPD, and I will get upset and have an episode. Obviously it's not his fault I have these episodes and he's not causing them on purpose, but having episodes that often was negatively effecting my mental health.

My best friend Ken and roommate, 18n, and our two other friends, Julian, 18n, and Mac, 20n, had to witness the toll these episodes had on my mental health as I grew more depressed and anxious during the 5 months I allowed this to happen. They continuously encouraged me to either speak to him about his behavior or break up and I ended up talking to him and his behavior seemed to get better. (For context I only can see him about once a week because he has a job with long hours and works on his dad's farm on top of that)

Around this time my friends starting having threesomes together (Mac and Julian are ex fuck buddies and Mac and Ken are engaged) and they kept making jokes about how it should be a foursome/I should join then.

I brought these jokes up to Mike one of the times he was going to hang out with my friends incase made the joke in front of him as i didn't want him to go in unprepared. He said I should just "have sex with them to get the joke to stop" and I was like "??? We agreed to be exclusive, that would be cheating. Also if I wanted them to stop I could just ask" and he was like "yeah I guess but I still think you should just have sex with them. Just do it" I changed the subject cause I couldn't tell if he was joking and it made me uncomfortable.

I told my friends later when we were alone and they told me that was him giving me the go to have sex with them.

So I did, even though I held some reservations that he might have been jokinh. I had a foursome with them, and as I am the photographer of the group, took lots of photos and pictures and even sent the photos and pictures to the groupchat we share so the others could have them.

Then after it ended I started to second guess myself and deleted all the photos from my phone and texted Mike that I really needed to talk to him, like sooner then we usually would (since I had just seen him typically I wouldn't see him until next week). I felt gross like I had cheated, which is something I have always vehemently been against, and betrayed Mike's trust as we're in a committed relationship. I admitted these feelings to my friends and they said it wasn't cheating cause he told me too and even if he hadn't he was still horrible to me and he deserved it.

Only the last part made me feel even worse cause I don't believe anyone deserves to be cheated on.

I ended up telling Mike everything and he told me that it wasnt cheating because I "was basically just a promoted camera man" and that he had told me to do it anyway. But them he started making jokes about it. Like if I asked if he wanted to watch a show, he'd say "I don't watch TV shows with dirty cheaters" or things like "oh yeah, Mac, your other boyfriend" or "yeah i know how close you and Ken are" and just generally seems to get quieter when i bring up those three friends. I would originally think the comments were teasing as he's a playful guy but he started to say it enough that I can't tell if there's actually truth to it and a part of him thinks I'm a cheater, or all of him thinks I'm a cheater and he's lying that he's fine about it to not hurt my feelings/ruin our relationship.

Every time I voice my feelings to my friends (even the ones I didn't have sex with) they tell me that I'm not in the wrong but I feel like I definitely am in the wrong and a cheater, and I think that Mike might feel that way too. So I've come to Tumblr to look for unbiased options on whether or not I am and asshole and a cheater for having a foursome while in a committed relationship?

What are these acronyms?

[starlight-writer]

Randomly Cuddling Them

A/n: Hahaha hiiii (⁠；⁠^⁠ω⁠^⁠）it's meeeee I'm baaaaack In all seriousness, I've been dealing with a shit ton of stuff and summer depression is kicking my ass. I'm sorry I haven't posted in ages even when I promised I would, I just haven't been able to motivate myself to write. I won't promise you guys a schedule or another fic anytime soon, but I will say that I have no intentions of deleting this blog or stopping writing all together. Just be patient with me and to those who have requested things, I'm sorry I haven't answered them. They'll all come in due time :) In the meantime, have some fluff to make you forget about your depression.

Warnings: none, fluff, slight angst(?)

Gn Reader Masterlist

Steven

Welcomes the cuddle with open arms

He'll ask if you’re ok a few times, just wanting to make sure his darling is feeling well

He'll pet your hair and start talking about his day or a new book he's read to fill the silence

"You wouldn't believe the ending though! The main character has to sacrifice his "

Just sort of talks about anything to fill the comfortable silence, hoping it'll distract you from anything that's stressing you out

Definitely playfully brags to Jake and Marc in the headspace during and after the cuddles

"They wanted to cuddle with me :D"

Once you're ready to pull away, he'll give you a kiss on the forehead and continue reading or whatever it was before, but keeps an eye on you

He isn't sure what brought on the cuddles, and while he loves them, he wants to make sure you're ok

If you start looking upset or frustrated with a task, he'll gently pull you away from whatever you're doing and sit you on the couch

"Lovey, you can finish it later, just sit with me for a bit yeah?"

He'll pull you into his chest and read aloud from his book or ramble about something to distract you

He'll play with your fingers, interlacing them and kissing your finger tips before holding your hand to his face

"Love you, darling"

He'll say in the sweetest voice, you'll forget all about the stresses of the day or the stresses of tomorrow

Mission accomplished

Marc

He's a little caught off guard, but pulls you into his arms eagerly

He'll never turn down cuddles (cough touch starved cough)

He'll run his fingers through your hair or rub his hand up and down your back

He'll ask if you're ok, but won't push past that

He'll stay silent unless you ask him to talk

"Uh... I saw a lizard earlier today. It reminded me of you cause it was cute :)"

He's trying his best

If you stay in his arms for a long period of time, he'll start to think something might be wrong so he'll start making really really bad jokes

"I went to the deli earlier and the sausage they gave me was the wurst :D"

He won't stop until you laugh and he's not above tickling you until you pee your pants

It's like he unlocks a little box inside his head of terrible jokes and playfulness just for the purpose of seeing you smile

After the cuddles session, he'll watch over you carefully

If you start looking stressed or tired or anything but relaxed, he'll pop off with another joke

"Ya know, babe, I used to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me."

Is that a frown on your perfect lips? Not on his watch

"I don't think I told you this before, but I used to be able to play piano by ear. Now I have to play it with my hands."

Eventually, if you start looking too stressed, he'll just pull you into another cuddle session

"Can't have my baby getting stressed."

He'll explain, kissing you on the forehead and shushing you if you try to leave

He'll carry you to bed or the couch, locking you underneath him with his head on your chest

"So comfy, might just fall asleep here."

He snores loudly, trying to coax a giggle or two out of you

And when you fall asleep from the warmth he gives off, he'll watch you with love in his eyes

"Goodnight, babe. I love you."

Jake

There're two ways this could go depending on how he feels

He could be very smug about it, hold you tightly to his chest, mutter things like 'poor bebito/a, so needy for their Papi~' and make sexual or teasing jokes to lighten the mood

Or he could hold you securely in his arms, run his fingers across your back, occasionally kiss your head, and ask in a hushed voice 'what's wrong, mi amor?'

He thrives on physical affection, so either way he's incredibly happy to give it to you

Whether it be a quick kiss, setting his hand on the small of your back as he walks by, resting his hand on your thigh as he drives, or just touching your knee with his in a crowded space, he loves all of it

And depending on why you suddenly held onto him, he'll be very attentive

If he's making jokes when you just want to be held, he'll pick up in it right away and mutter a small apology with a kiss

He'll hum a song he heard on the radio, he'll keep his breathing long and slow to help calm you down if needed, he'll even read you one of Steven's 'boring' books

He's like Marc in a way, they'll both do absolutely everything in their power to make you smile or laugh if the situation calls for it

If you've gotten your fill of cuddles and start to pull away, he'll pout and pull you back down, muttering something about feeling cold without you on top of him

Which is a lie, they run extremely hot which has cancelled many cuddle sessions in the summer because 'It's too hot, Jake! And don't give me those puppy eyes!'

He refuses to let you go until you explicitly tell him you want him to

He'll act all sad, but he lets you go after a passionate kiss

Openly watches you closely afterwards, determined to see any slip of annoyance or frustration so he can whisk you away to your shared room and cuddle the stress away

And the second your brow twitches in frustration, he's coming up behind you and hugging you

"Bebito/a, dance with me."

He'll say, already swaying to the music playing in his head

He'll spin you around and subtly drag you away from the chore or work you were doing with a charming smile and his swaying hips

When you've rested your head on his chest and sigh softly, following the shuffling of his feet and sway of his hips, he knows he's succeeded in calming you down

[amclayton]

ok here we go, crazy ass theory about anobbie cuz i might or might not be a little high rn lol.

so they go this party as a group and some of bobbie's friends are there(not sure) and something happens with anaïs' friends (im guessing the issue is gonna be related to mila or otis tbh). they either get high cause of bobbie's friends or even bobbie herself offers them something (but i dont think bobbie is gonna be giving them anything tho cuz ojitos gonna be busy giving her gf kisses all night) and everything gets super messy and there is a conflict in the party (im praying is not related to a SA but knowing how this show works i wouldn't be surprised). so after this bobbie sees how they are trying to separate anaïs from her but anaïs doesnt wanna choose because bobbie has became her safe place(está hasta las trancas también te digo) + she doesnt get why she gotta pick sides cuz she thinks bobbie ain't responsible for what happened (pls god let me be right about this one) cause in fact, bobbie aint resposible it was just a misunderstanding!!! (delusional is my second name, just if you're wondering) they get separated (sort of) and there are problems between bobbie's mum and anaïs' dad as well (probably anaïs' dad is gonna find about her makeup and more stuff, god have mercy as miss chloe bailey said) and bobbie goes uuhhhshss crazy loca and starts her monologue "im not good for you anaïs, this cannot be, im gonna keep hurting you and i gotta spend more money in w33d now(JOKING OK)" OR the other option is bobbie goes crazy loca again but instead she brings up her abandonment issues and tells her sumn like "choose anaïs, is not that hard. they want to see us separate, i dont think im asking for that much" BOOMMMMM anaïs is depressed asf, crying 24/7 and that's what i got till now. thank you thank you

i'll probably delete this shit later, wanted to post this on twitter but i can write everything here lol

[thatstolenpayal]

i don't know any of you, neither do ya'll know me. but i am just posting this here. i might delete it later.

i am 18. and my life's not been easy. i mean no one's has obviously. but i find myself upset about weird things. as i go back, i see nothing. no memories. no friends.

i haven't cherished anything. i was this loner with absolutely no friends. i faced bullying in school inspite of being a good scorer and every teacher's favourite child. they used to and still say, 'scholar aditi', i used to score like crazy, trust me. now it all left me. but back then i was the most sincere, annoying girl.

a girl once asked me how do i do it all so perfectly. and i couldn't even say that you need to sacrifice a lot for that. i knew nothing. i was an absolute failure. i was like this hermit who lived far away from the city. and when it struck me, boy it hurt so bad.

i felt timid and weak among those blood-sucking monstrous teenage girls. i don't know if i still can forgive them. it made my life a living hell. i would spend hours crying my soul out in front of my mother.

oh my dear mother, if only she knew. my parents made it worse for me. i would come home from school, realizing how empty my life is, blame my family for it, and would screech and cry all day. i saw that my parents weren't like those of the girls around me. i knew it was gonna be horrible, moreover my 13 year old body didn't help either.

the lockdown. i perceived i was depressed. i wailed in front of my father to take me to a therapist. he didn't. it went on. trusted a boy. talked to him all day. all of it opened up again, started preparing for jee mains. classes. met people there. good people. first time feeling things. felt good. second year, found out the boy was a jerk. got my heart broken, not broken, crushed, a hundred times, over and over. i would cry all day, told my mom i was just stressed cause of the exams. he mentally harassed me, would send me suicide threats, would threaten to come over. i couldn't do anything.

got up. studied hard. got involved with people. made friends. realized the things that made me happy. dreamed about my future. even though i never wanted to do engineering, i planned other things. music, art. accepted my relationship with my parents.

fucked up my first attempt, went numb for a few days. turned 18, and honestly i am terrified. i don't wanna grow up so fast. not so soon. i still haven't lived. i wanna dream more.

i still have all the things related to that boy in the corner of my cupboard. i don't plan on throwing them yet.

[cowboyjen68]

Hey Jen.

I’m really quite lost at the moment. I live in aus and have moved to 3 different states in the last 4 years due to my wife’s work choices/changes- aussie states aren’t so close together so as imagined when we move I lose any connections I may have had. I desperately would follow her anywhere- each move has been on a whim for a job offer of hers and I always say yes because.,well..I can’t be the reason she doesn’t chase a career, right?

Last year we moved somewhere new, she worked long hours and it took me about a month before I started work myself. She was off early, home late. Weekends etc etc. she complained a lot about not having friends and formed a friendship/mentorship with a younger (straight) woman she employed that I encouraged and was so supportive of.

Fast forward 6 months later, things in our relationship were different. She was doing sleep over shifts at work, we weren’t intimate, when she was home and we were in bed together she was restless while she slept. One night she came home so drunk. It didn’t feel right. I did an unforgettable thing of looking into her phone and she had downloaded an app that she was messaging this colleague in that automatically deleted every 24hrs. The messages there were..at the very least to say explicit. They also said things about me basically meaning nothing to her, to top it off.

I woke and confronted her that night. I subsequently packed my dogs and car and drove the 6 hours home to my family. The next day when she woke up she practically just started with blaming me. She kept asking me to go home to talk about it- I told her that she should want to fix this, and be chasing me. That there shouldn’t even be a conversation. But she went to work and..well, didn’t. Then she threatened suicide, which she had done in the past and also attempted and told me what she was doing. I was terrified, so I returned. Then we just…went on with it. She gave me kindness and softness and was accepting of the pain she cause for a short while. I told her I couldn’t stay in that town and so she gave me that, and we moved.

12 months on I’m still with her, but I’m not healed. I think I might have the opportunity to be healed but anytime something increases my anxiety and I verbalise it, she tells me “It wasn’t even cheating/ I don’t think about it/ you need to get over it”. She works away for work a bit and last week ghosted me for 5 days. She came home and told me how much I’d ruined her life/that I’m exhausting and my need to be reassured isn’t her job. It was nasty. It was devastating. She just kept telling me I need help. I desperately told her I need her help but she just tells me I’m manipulating her. I so inherently care about what she thinks and want to please her that I did go to a Dr and have started anti depressants. It probably is necessary, because I am destroyed..but it’s just another face of blame from her and telling me it’s me and I’m listening to her. My self esteem is so low I can’t help but listen to her.

And I’m still fucking here. We have been together 8 years. She is my entire world. I don’t know what to do, how to cope, without her. I don’t want to. But Every time something happens, I see so much her unwillingness to give me the support I need. My family are telling me to go home. I am about 50% there with making that decision…the pathetic part is that I know if I leave, she won’t chase me. She will just move on, and I don’t want her to. I want her to fight for me and I’m not sure I would be able to cope through her not doing that for me (pathetic, right?) even though I know that shows me what my decision should be.

I read my message as I’m writing it and I know the advice I would give someone in my position. But I just can’t pull myself out of my head and this cloud of what I envisioned our life together to be and I’m just stuck. The last 4 weeks she has been away 4-5 days per week for work, and I’m just here in this new town, in this new state, alone and envisioning every scenario and I am going insane. I am absolutely an introvert and really struggle connecting with people and anytime I try I always feel like a burden and that my personality isn’t received well and so I don’t try again. I just am so lonely, and devastated and lost. I’m in my 30s and feel like I should be better at all of this by now.

I don’t know if I’m asking how to connect, or how to leave. Or just how to find peace or comfort when your world has disappeared around you. I know I have privilege in having choices, But that doesn’t stop it hurting any less.

I stayed married for 17 years which was about 14 years past the expiration date of our love. I stayed to make sure she was cared for by my wages. I agreed to kids knowing I should have said "no" but it made her happy. Looking back we were often barely friends let alone in love. I desperately wanted her to passionately love me and i think she tried to do that. In the end we were both frustrated and miserable.

I say all that so you know I have some frame of reference to wanting so bad to be in love that I compromised intimacy, passion, fulfillment and life goals in order to try to make things work.

You are not alone and it is such a common experience for lesbians and bi women to stay in less than stellar relationships because being alone is more scary. We are convinced by society and even our own LGBT community that our dating pool is so small that we must hold on to what we can get because it might be our last and only chance for love/relationship.

Some of us like the IDEA of being in a relationship more than we like the actual relationship. Again, this one can be blamed on our own community because we hear length of a relationship equals value. If we fail we aren't "living the lesbian dream". I have learned longevity does not equal quality. Some of my shorter relationships have been much more fulfilling for both parties than my longest one.

You absolutely deserve to be loved equally and share passion of the same intensity as your partner. Staying with some one who requires your constant effort to convince them to love you is never worth it. Think of all the time you have wasted wondering where she is, what she is doing, does she love you? Total that all up and figure how that energy could be put into fostering friendship or romance with someone who welcomes it. OR focusing on yourself and what makes you happy.

If all this is not enough to convince you to break clean here is one last reminder. Anyone threatening suicide to control your actions or emotions is abusing you. Don't put up with her for another second. You deserve better. Much better.

[lgcseojin]

( ✱   ㅡ A bit of a short ooc note. In short: I'll be on a "semi-hiatus" of sorts until who knows when. It'll seem like I'm still around because I've queued/scheduled a bunch of stuff, including this post to pass a/c and stuff. But, for now, I will probably be more sparse. )

To get serious and rather personal.

Do not read if you're uncomfortable with this or stuff about death and depression.

As some of you may know by now, I have a very difficult time opening up about myself. I am a very private person and struggle with appearing like I'm anything but okay. But I have been struggling this past month with a severe bout of depression. When I say that I have been "sick", it's because I've been so under water that I feel physically unwell. In addition, my home life is very unstable/toxic and causes immense stress. Last year was rough for me. I lost my grandpa ( of whom I was very attached to ), dog, and my bio dad during that time... and this year, I lost my job as well.. I haven't really given myself proper time to mourn, I guess, or give myself permission to not be stoic and pretend like feeling things is weakness.

So I'm taking some time to myself for a bit, as I think it's best, since because of all that, silly little things are starting to get to me and I noticed that I'm starting to come off ... badly (?) since I'm feeling so down. So I'm taking that as my sign to back off a bit. Feeling disconnected and unhappy is not good.

I've already been a bit slow about getting to replies, but I will still have them put out no matter what, as well as solos, etc. I'll probably just gradually put stuff out as it comes to me like other edits or gifs. I'll reply to DMs if anyone still wants to plot or reach out but please have patience with me and understand if I might come off as stilted.

But... Thanks for your patience in advance. Writing this was very hard and I might delete it later but thanks for anyone who takes the time to read.

[astrabear]

trick or treat

Happy Halloween! Have another abandoned work in progress! Sorry it's so depressing, I guess you got a trick.

**** Nile did extensive research into funerary customs of the Neolithic Eurasian steppes, but Andy said she didn’t remember any of that shit, and as far as she was concerned they should just dump her body in a hole. So Nile researched development trends, the migration patterns caused by climate change, and law enforcement practices. Then she gave up and picked a spot in the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone that she was reasonably confident they could sneak in and out of and that wouldn’t be dug up for the foreseeable future. But this was all for later – it wasn’t time yet, she just liked being prepared.

And then it was time.

And then, about a week later – when they were in a safehouse outside Riga, still mostly numb, encouraging each other to eat and sleep while not doing it themselves, trying to keep Booker distracted so he wouldn’t think about how much he wanted to drink – they hauled themselves out of bed one morning and discovered Quỳnh had gone. All she took with her was a change of clothes; all she left behind was a note that read, “Give me a year. I’ll be in touch. I promised her.”

Nile was blindingly furious at first. How could Quỳnh give them something else to grieve? How could she leave Nile to take care of these men on her own? But over the next few days it dawned on her that Joe and Nicky each thought they were taking care of her, and after that she noticed that while they missed Quỳnh they were not distressed by it, and she decided to stop trying to be the older sister she’d grown up having to be.

Slowly, day by day, they got through it. Every few weeks, Quỳnh would send a postcard to Sulastri (Copley’s replacement’s replacement), or text her from a stolen phone, and she’d pass the information on to the rest of the team. Quỳnh never said where she was or what she was doing, only that she was still all right. The year turned into two, then five, a decade. She’d leave notes and keepsakes in safehouses and stashes as she passed by, and they took to doing the same. No one ever talked about when she might rejoin them, or at least not while Nile was around.

Most of the time, they were too busy to dwell on it. There were climate refugees to relocate from submerged islands in the South Pacific (safely, in communities, rather than in the camps and holding facilities they’d otherwise be stuck in.) They broke up a water cartel in Chennai and a black market for diverted relief supplies operating out of Asmara; Booker crashed the accounts of their backers and investors and transferred their funds to reforestation programs, which amused him. They drove Sulastri crazy by acting as human shields during protests and riots, forcing her to hunt down and alter or delete recordings. After Nicky shattered his collarbone taking a blow meant for a teenage boy’s head, she stopped scolding them about it.

They went to ground for a little while, literally, in Andy’s old French mine. A nascent military coup in Turkey had suddenly found itself bereft of leadership, and the team wanted to wait out the uproar somewhere under the radar. They’d installed a few modern amenities over the years (a composting toilet, a camp shower, a discreet charging station outside the mine for their solar batteries), and it made a nice respite from the 40-degree heat baking most of Europe.

Their third night there, Nile took second watch. While Joe climbed back into his sleeping bag with Nicky, she settled down just inside the entrance with her night-vision goggles. She let the midnight sounds wash over her: more traffic noises than the last time, fewer birds and insects. When they’d arrived, Booker had commented they were lucky not to find squatters there; Nicky had wondered if maybe it was unethical not to invite people in. Nile sometimes felt oddly cheated, as though she’d become immortal too late to really enjoy it. It was hard to take breaks when instant communications meant they were always aware of how badly they were needed, and it was harder to feel optimistic about human progress and the potential of the future when everything seemed to be falling apart. Joe told her that the entire 20th Century felt that way to him; climate change wasn’t nearly as depressing as two world wars in rapid succession. Nile couldn’t really argue with that, but she stared out into the still, muggy night and saw a future that only held more losses.

And then – a noise. Coming from near the gate. Animal, not mechanical. Large. A person? She stood silently, gun at the ready. One person, moving quietly and confidently; they were coming toward the mine and knew exactly where they were going. They were…

“Quỳnh?”

“Nile!” She bounded over, and in the moment before she wrapped Nile in a hug, Nile saw she was grinning ear to ear. Nile found herself smiling to match, and her cheeks felt stiff. How long since she’d smiled like that? How long since she’d felt relief and comfort, and the rush of warmth in her chest that she vaguely recognized as happiness?

She pulled back from the hug enough to say, “Come on in, let me go wake the guys.”

“No, no, I’ll stay out here for a while. You’re on watch? I’ll sit with you.”

The mention of keeping watch reminded her that they should stay silent, but she couldn’t help herself. “You know they’ll be glad to see you, right?”

Quỳnh laughed softly and took her hand. “I’m not afraid of seeing them. But as long as I stay out here, I can pretend there are four people inside, not three.” They sat simultaneously, still holding hands.

“Is that… do you still… it’s been ten years. You haven’t spent all that time imagining Andy was here.”

“Not all of it. Not even most of it. But sometimes.”

She smiled again; Nile couldn’t remember ever seeing her so relaxed. It was oddly unsettling. A horrible thought came to her, and she asked, “Are you still healing?”

Quỳnh squeezed her hand. “I can show you, if you like.”

“I’ll pass.” She tried to keep her focus on the world around them, but her gaze kept returning to Quỳnh. She looked well-rested, serene. Clean clothes, neatly-trimmed hair. Nile felt about a thousand years older. “You didn’t come here because of us, did you?”

Quỳnh shook her head. “I was in the area, and it seemed like a good place to spend the night. I didn’t know you were here.”

“Will you stay? At least until they wake up? Or… you could stay longer. If you want.”

They sat in silence for a moment. Quỳnh turned to face her and let go of her hand. “You’ve been working.”

Nile sighed. “Pretty much non-stop.”

“Your next job?”

“Eco-fascists. They say the only way to save the planet is to speed up population decline, and they’re destroying infrastructure in refugee camps.”

Quỳnh cocked her head to the side like a bird, an old gesture that Nile hadn’t seen in decades. “And are you stopping them, or helping them?”

Nile had lived with Quỳnh longer than she’d lived with her own mother. She’d fought with her, and beside her; yelled at her, cried with her, died in her arms. She suddenly wondered if she knew her at all. “Which one do you want it to be?”

“Stopping them.”

“Why?”

“I want you to try to stop them because… because it’s more hopeful. I don’t want things to be so bad that the greatest good is served by letting people die. I want there to be a future that’s worth protecting people for.”

Nile’s breath caught in her throat and tears pricked her eyes. None of her reasons for taking this job had anything to do with hope. She swallowed, twice, before she could speak. She’d meant to confirm that yes, the goal was to protect the refugees. But what she actual said was, “What was it that you promised Andy?”

Quỳnh just smiled that same calm smile. “Why don’t I keep watch for you while you get some rest? I promise I’ll still be here when you wake.”

[bosskie]

Explaining myself

I wanna explain myself and talk a bit:

I prefer to keep a low profile, be basically invisible, when it comes to my art too. Therefore I'm quite asocial here but I'm still observing what others are doing and talking about. I still suffer from an awful self-hatred and it affects me a lot... I'm gonna have a short therapy next fall but in the meantime, I just have to try to figure out by myself what could help me. I'm still not alone with this but this is my responsibility and my mind just does its best to deny everything positive about me... I don't even wanna think about how many times I have just wanted to be gone... No matter what I have achieved in life, my mind keeps telling me that I'm nothing... It's heavy to deal with this and I know that I can be heavy person to follow... I feel sorry for everything my disorder/illness causes, even it's not my fault that my mind is not okay...

I still wanted to doodle something for this post since I really appreciate people who can stand me and wish to support me, even I cannot understand why:

A rough, quick-ish Molluck sketch. This took under two hours. I might continue this one day but I'll see... My refined pieces take about ten times more time than this. Frankly, I still feel like I cannot draw Molluck properly... He is challeging to draw and I'm still studying how to draw him.

But I'm still trying to fight, even it can be difficult... Sometimes, I think that even Molluck deserves someone better than me, that I should 'leave him alone', stop doing anything related to him... It's basically just my self-hatred since Molluck is such a big part of my daily life...

It's difficult to be a content creator when I also tend to feel that I'm just ruining everything... Sometimes, I feel that I'm ruining the Oddworld feed here too... My self-hatred is just this bad... I know that I have no reasons to hate myself but I still hate myself... I still try to post my art here, even it can be difficult for me... When I think this stuff, it keeps reminding me of my Soulstorm tattoo design submission; I was about to delete my submission after I had submitted it.

I thought that this was nothing like they wanted but I was so wrong... I won. Right now, I feel that I would change this a bit but I'm not sure if it would look any better... And if someone wonders why I thought that this was nothing like they wanted, well, I just thought that my drawing looks crappy and not tattoo-like enough, being just a some kind of portrait. But the reason why I'm talking about this is that it's just such a good example of how severe my self-hatred is... Oh, and OWI hasn't contacted me yet, still, but right now, I have no will to contact them either. I'll see that later on. I have felt so depressed recently, again... I have felt better too but now, this mood hit me.

I just wanna be honest with you. I'm not perfect but neither is anyone else. This is my fight and the others have their own too. I wish that my story could have a happy ending but it's not a sure thing... I still don't know if it's even worth it... I feel too often worth of nothing, for no reason...

I feel so sorry, even this is not my fault... Mind can get sick like body too. I appreciate that you stand me, even wanna support me... It's making me cry... I feel quite often like someone to be forgotten, someone not to love, to be erased... But like my winner piece was titled, 'Don't give up!'. It's not easy but I keep trying my best.

[scperbvd]

Simon James Kippen // “Superbad” Kip Sabian

Below the cut, you’ll find all the information necessary to understand this portrayal of Kip.

Kip is bisexual, with a leaning towards men. No past relationships are affected by this, though I do play Kip single, meaning he will separated from Penelope Ford. The terms of this, of course, are open to discussion with the Penelope mun. If this changes, I will update this post at a later date.

He’s known to be a rather sarcastic person. If anything ever causes offense OOC, please send me a message to inform me, and I’ll happily rectify the situation however you see fit. It is never my intention to offend anyone, and I will delete or reword posts as necessary.

A little bit of a himbo, he’s forever losing or forgetting things. Where he put his phone, where his glasses are, even what day it is. His concept object permanence is practically non-existent. Simply put, he operates on the “out of sight, out of mind” principle. If he cannot actively see or sense something, it might as well not exist. He will blame this on his ADHD, even if it’s just him doing a Big Dumb™️.

Having been diagnosed with ADHD, and suffering with depression and self-confidence issues, he’s a huge mental health advocate. A firm believer in the effectiveness of therapy and a strong support system, he tries to make himself available at all times for those struggling, even if he’s just cracking the world’s worst dad jokes to make someone smile again.

And I think I’ve got all the key points, for now! If I think of anything else, I’ll update this post and add in whatever comes to mind. As for OOC stuff, hi! I’m Flynn, I’m 21 and I’m from the UK. Because of timezones and stuff, my posting may seem oddly timed, but honestly? I have the sleep pattern of a toddler on Christmas Eve, so I’ll probably be around most of the time anyway. In terms of plots, I’m open to just about everything, so feel free to drop me a DM or something. Please be aware that I ship based on chemistry, though.

[nakunakunomi]

Why I am less active ~ again ~

Cw: mental health // selfshipping // spoilers [One Piece]

Might delete this later, but I am having a moment and I honestly do not know where else to post this without coming across as annoying or weird or whatever.

Please DO NOT REBLOG.

So, it's been an emotional week or two, I have been sick because of sleep deprivation on top of it all and I am pretty sure shark week is coming up, so I am being an emotional mess right now. I won't bother y'all with the details, cause frankly, they don't matter. But I can feel my mental health just spiraling down and I have no way to stop it. It'll soon be the summer holiday, and hopefully I will have some time to recuperate.

Anyway, that's not what it is about here. This is about the most recent OP chapter leaks, altho by now it might actually be out (idk, I usually actually don't follow the manga *this* closely). If you're not there and you don't want to be spoiled then please consider this your final warning to stop reading.

So, in the final chapter Ashura and Izo died. Now... I have not been following super closely, and I am not even sure why I checked the spoilers earlier. I know it's fictional characters, trust me, I am 10000% aware. And yet. Izo's death has hit me a little harder than I expected.

For the past 2 years, he's been my main comfort character and I was actively selfshipping with him. Not so much on Tumblr because I am too self-aware and insecure to throw it out in the open like that, but on discord, among friends, and in some little writings that I never shared up here.

Selfshipping has been a great comfort while I figure out what is wrong with me mental health wise. It's been a great tool to figure out what I look for IRL relationships, hell it's been a help figuring out my sexuality, all in a safe online environment, helping me reflect on the real life that's not online. It's been a great comfort whenever I feel insecure, a source of humor to look back onto on bad days, just a very nice coping mechanism for when the depresso hits hard.

It's nothing new that a comfort character dies, it's almost a running meme that 90% of my comfort characters don't make the end of whatever medium they're part of and usually I handle it pretty well. An emotional reaction at the moment I see/read/hear it happen, and maybe some exaggerated online outrage, then some memes and acceptance, 5 stages of grief, but make it funny kinda thing.

But for some reason, this hit super hard? Be it hormones, depression, the fact that my real life is having some struggles at the moment... it just was the figurative drop that made the bucket spill (is that how you say it in English?) and I have been crying some real human tears over non real characters.

I had planned a tiny break while being on weekend with my students and wanted to get back to writing (especially for the summer event and OP bingo) the moment I got home. Instead I kinda got teary eyed and shut my laptop again. My head just fills with Angsty thoughts, and while those are all fun and games whenever I am in a good place, now is not the moment for it. So I am taking a little break again, I am extremely sorry.

I *will* get over it, and will do what any other fanfic writer does in situations like this: ignore canon and move on. But for now it kinda hurts and I feel silly even admitting to it.

Anyway. I just needed to let that out, writing down my feelings is somewhat cathartic and I am running out of tissues, so I had to try something else. I am not even sure if many people will read this because my range has been a little less again lately, but I just had to get it off my chest? Sorry for making you read this entire rambling wall of text if you're still reading. I am not even sure if I am making any sense at all.

Signing off with loads of love, and drink a lot of water, be gentle for yourself, it's what I am doing rn as well. ♡

Love, Hazel

Ps: please don't reblog, invalidate my feelings cause the characters are not real or if you don't like selfshipping. Anything negative said, I'll just block.

[ask-epitale]

Update on the comic

I was just thinking about making an update post yesterday, and getting an ask just solidified that thought.

(tl;dr, life was a mess, I’m not going to continue the comic for a while so it’s on a hiatus for who knows how long, and when I do return, i’m going to redo what currently exists of the comic before continuing officially. Asks will be turned off, use replies if you want more info)

I haven’t done much with the comic because I was dealing with depression without fully realizing it was depression. I finally got it diagnosed, so I’m working on it, but it’s still slow going. In the middle of making epitale, I was dealing with it, leading to weeks where I would post nothing. it was also not helped that at one point, my hard drive kicked the bucket, making me lose all my files, and then there was also an issue with the old hunk of junk i used until I got a new computer which caused a number of the layers to outright disappear (you can see this best with the comics in grillbys where we started on one side of the counter and moved to the other because i didn’t want to remake the old scene and not work right.)

I’ve seen a number of fan comics go the route of ‘hey, I don’t really want to work on this anymore, but here’s what would have happened’ and while this was half ask blog, half story comic blog, I don’t entirely want to do that. Sure, I’m going to give some details later in this post, but I’m not going to give the whole thing. Why? Well....

Making the comic with the stints of depression wasn’t so much I wasn’t doing art, more so, the comic felt less like something i wanted to do and more something that was expected, which made it feel forced sometimes. And then there was also the issue that since I was still doing art, my style evolved and I changed how I would draw things. (blob gaster into full skele gaster as an example). this made me less want to come back because I didn’t want to be changing style every page as well as the fact that the way I was doing it before wasn’t the best way, and even a single panel could take a while, or I would just alter the heads or hands slightly.

so all together, depression, art changes, complexity of art, fun, etc all made me not want to work on it. at least not publically. The other mods that were listed around here (mod bun, kiwi and bear) were all friends who sort of helped out with some of the ideas, but the story, blog running, art, etc was all mine (mod cat) one of the mods helped me the most with idea stuff, so much so that we have a full discord group we used for it, but it ended up evolving into stuff that’s... very non canon. I could potentially share tidbits from that eventually if anyone wants that, but I doubt that would happen. I’m going to turn asks off though, so turn to replies to request those.

as it currently stands, i have no clue when I would work on the comic again. that being said, when I do, I won’t be continuing the story. Not exactly. I won’t be deleting anything, just tagging them as old, but when I bring back the comic, I’m going to be... sort of restarting. I’m going to be redrawing the pages in an art style I can more easily do as well as fixing up things I’m no longer happy with (like how I draw undyne, and I might not redo the starting scene with sans and papyrus and the mod cat annoying dog substitute.)

One thing I will be slightly redoing is Dee, which i will just explain in a following post as when I first made them, I had a slightly different idea from what they are now (and what I have thought of them for a few years.

[gazelessmenagerie]

.

( Depression brain needs to shut tf up this early in the morn on this monday morning. )

( ugghhh.. the grind is actually wearing me down thin with this sequence. I feel like I don’t have enough time to recover AND do things. There’s too much to do and the material is so gd dry in class. )

( idk i just feel like i lost a good chunk of my usual writing quality and its really starting to glare at me the more i read over it or reply to things on discord. Its been two weeks for any written content that was actually up to my par but now it feels like a gd struggle every time just to write down thoughts without really delving into why and how of my creative processes. Damn thoughts keep trying to convince me I’m not as I once was.. or fucking that I’m only tolerated by folks. It’s absolute bullshit. )

( Maybe just writing down my ills and irks might help. delete later. I just really don’t want to go to school today. i want one more day to not worry about anything or feel like im on a constant timer to do something than rest. )

( I just want to write like I used to again. really delve into the character i built over these months and not feel like I’m being weird to others that I have the honor of writing with. Maybe just taking my brain out and smacking it a few times with a Validation stick would help but idk how that’ll go gnsdlgj )

( i just need a break from school tbh.. but there’s no more ‘breaks’ cause the last 3 day weekend was actually 4th of july. its just a constant road now until Sept. and rn I’m not sure if I can manage that if I think too hard about it. Trying to manage my shit is hard esp when I don’t feel as connected as I should be but that’s also my shit to contend with bc I’m shy af and I hate to bother people. I’ll wait for eons.. which isn’t a bad trait. its just telling my brain to stfu, im liked enough by people even if my replies to rp or stuff wasn’t as thought out as I’d like otherwise. )

[manojgangaiahh]

#Realize what you did!

Finally, I went through my first ever break up. I cried for a couple of weeks straight. It took time, but it hit me that I was a complete mess, my place was a mess, and basically, everything in my life was a mess. I relied on people for everything, even for love. So, I started to focus on my goals, decluttered #everything , got rid of stuff I didn't even know I had or needed, and learned to take care of myself and my surroundings. Every phase of life has “love” in it. And it is said that Love in youth is never forgettable. It may be a success or a failure. This written Article of mine is all about a “sincere Love”, which finally had to “Break-Up”. The most difficult phase of love is “Break-Up”, the word, which is always on the lips of youth, like me. This is the age, where we exactly don’t know what love is and what is what.

This is the story of mine in which I crossed the boundary of Love but was not successful in relishing its beauty. Let me take you through this Love world, assuming myself to be in the lead role. It was all happy days until I realized that “She is a #Bitch”.

when she started to ignore me, I was not able to respond. I did not understand what was happening. I was dumbstruck. My mind was blacked out. I was left with no option but to land in my friend’s house. The very moment I entered his house, looking at my depressed face, he asked me

“What happened?”

I was in no state of receiving his question. My senses lost their power to perceive. He could understand my feeling and stopped touching me more on that issue. I just went out of the room, my friend accompanying me, he just put his hand on my shoulder, and said,

“Okay dude stay calm”.

This concerning dialogue said by him, “kicked the tear can in my eyes, and water started flooding my eyes. World was looking blurred from my naked eyes. Nothing was clear, neither my eyes nor my mind nor the situation”.

I did nothing but “Cried”. I cried and cried. I have no words to express my agony. The next moment I messaged her,

She did not respond to my texts. And My voice did not rise to talk to her. I am sure she would have shed tears, more than I did.

Today, after almost one and half year ig, I am a normal boy again, not giving a thought to love. I had faced the heat in the starting days after the disaster but later coped up. I don’t know, whether this is called break-up or not, but, getting out of a “Love” called relationship is Break-Up, for sure.

initial 4th month of break up. I maintained contact and it was WRONG!

All I could do is Instagram-stalk her, her friends, her Boyfriend, waiting for the moment she posts photos of her with her new boyfriend. And soon enough her Boyfriend did! Oh, the joy of looking at the person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life kissing with someone, with so much joy in their eyes… How wonderfully cruel life can be!

So, I cut off contact.

I kept contact thinking she might come to her senses and want to get back with me (although I had promised myself, I would never take her back – the paradox of human nature, right?). But it just ended up hurting me more. Once I deleted her everything became so much easier to handle. It does give you back the control and it is a wonderful feeling. So yeah, now I am single and yes, I do still think of her sometimes, etc., but it doesn't hurt me anymore. Before, every single memory of her would cause me an unbearable amount of pain, but Not anymore. Remember I will Come back a brand new me you haven’t helped to see me through.

**Fuck your feelings, Instead of getting Crowned, you’re getting capped. Make positive efforts to let go of the past, forgive everyone, and try to develop a positive outlook on life. If you can't do it right away, fake it until you make it! 🙂**

The “Break-Up” was INEVITABLE.

__END__

[no1gaytheist]

I don't think I've really talked about this here but I do wanna let y'all know.... I quit my job back in August because of burnout. I was doing a bunch of the same shit every day over and over, which is not why I became a massage therapist. I love this career because I get to help people. I love finding problems and treating them, and at that job I was just helping rich white ladies take naps. Doing the same shit all the time for five days a week was so awful, and it made my sensory issues so much worse. I'm autistic and very sensitive to touch, but when I'm really interested in what I'm doing, it doesn't bother me too much. Towards the end of my time at my old job I was wearing gloves for every massage I gave because I was so frustrated that every time I touched a client I wanted to cry. This caused a lot of problems as I had clients complaining about it and my boss got mad at me for it, but ultimately she couldn't make me stop doing it because it was an accommodation for my autism. So she just ended up getting on my case every time I used any sort of accommodation or showed any signs that I wasn't mentally well.

I had originally planned to wait until I had another job lined up to quit, but I was so burnt out that I spent all my free time sleeping, and I didn't have the energy to look for a new job. At the more I worked at the old one, the worse my mental health got. So I just up and quit. And now I'm in a sort of depression paralysis where I've been unemployed for months, but I don't have the energy to find a new job and I'm worried that any job I do find will be just as bad as the last one. This has also affected my productivity in things I enjoy doing, too. I haven't been making art or writing or doing much of anything besides laying in bed and watching videos. I'm working to improve myself but I just wanted you all to know that the slow progress on my writing is likely from this sort of snowball effect that my shitty job caused. I don't mean to give you some sort of sob story or make excuses, but I value my readers and I always want to keep you informed.

It is a little funny to talk about my personal life here, because I know to a lot of you I'm just a fanfic writer 😂 But I worked hard to get my massage therapy license and I'm very proud of what I do.

Tldr: Being an adult is hard and I'm burnt out. Sorry for the slow progress

Might delete this later...