#i must publicly confess before i go insane

[transarsonist]

.

[fuckingguide]

having some thoughts about just how much goes on when the documentary crew isn’t there to film stuff. when the baron comes back from the (un)dead and questions why the others would let guillermo lead the search for the sire, nandor almost reveals that guillermo was the one who killed him... but when did he find that out? none of the vampires knew at the time of the trial, or at the very least nadja and laszlo would have ratted him out when they were being accused. and nandor sounds surprised/confused when guillermo is brought in as a witness, which makes me think he wasn’t expecting guillermo to be there at all. so, i don’t think he knew either.

you could argue that he realised it when guillermo confessed to it at the trial, but everyone there immediately assumed he was lying to protect nandor, and, judging by his reaction and the fact that he chose to condemn himself AND nadja and laszlo to save him, i’m leaning towards the interpretation that nandor also thought guillermo was lying for him. plus, nandor’s reaction to guillermo killing carol doesn’t really make sense if he already knew about the baron. he 100% would have made a comment about that if he had known, after all what are the chances of a familiar accidentally killing not one but two vampires? it makes no sense that he doesn’t mention it at all... unless he doesn’t know.

so, when does he find out? there’s no way to know for sure, but it has to be some time between carol’s death and the baron’s return. my vote is that it happened in the month between s2 and s3 when guillermo was in the cage. we’ve seen nandor visit him and chat with him, so i think they must have talked about it while the vampires were deciding what to do with him (and the fact that, even knowing the full extent of guillermo’s vampire slaying, nandor still fought to save him...... i can’t think about that for too long or i go insane). it could also have happened before 2.10, since nandor publicly declares guillermo was the one who killed the baron at the theater, but personally i think that, between feeling betrayed by guillermo leaving him and being desperate to avoid execution, he made that up on the fly. if you look closely, while nadja and laszlo back him up, they both look a bit confused (laszlo especially is frowning a bit), like they’re not sure where nandor is going with this, and they exchange glances when nandor tells everyone that he killed guillermo himself. but that’s just my interpretation of it, it could well be that guillermo told him about the baron at some point before leaving.

either way, it happened off-camera and it makes me go absolutely feral that it was such a pivotal moment in their relationship, and the crew wasn’t there to film it. makes me wonder how many other moments like this we didn’t get to see.

[creativeashproductions]

Welcome to Our Hell // Charlie Gillespie

IN WHICH: Charlie asks the reader a simple question that leads the man to fall down a rabbit hole of reading. Despite the panic you felt along with your fellow writers you still introduced and helped him navigate the pool of fanfiction.

Warnings: None (it’s actually possible with me??)

Words: 1k

A/N: I couldn’t resist making a tiny blurb about the revelation that Charlie has read fanfiction, that he enjoyed reading it. I actually talked about how Owen and Charlie would react to jatp fanfiction so sorry for manifesting 😬

ALL FICS MENTIONED ARE TAGGED.

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Masterlist

Your eyes slightly glanced up from your computer to where a certain someone was humming along to an Eagles song. His hips swayed as he slipped the egg in the pan, unaware of your eyes following him. He was entirely in his own world while he left you to finish up what he was led to believe was just school work.

The innate cheerful aura the male gave off regardless of the landscape had always been one of your favourite things about him. He saw the joy and good in things most people tended to overlook. It didn’t matter if he had his guitar in his hands or a cooking tool; he’d shoot that smile that melted your heart.

“Whatcha doin’?” Charlie questioned, peering over the island in the apartment you had rented in the city.

“Just doing some work.” You replied, beginning to type once more with a sudden burst of inspiration. You barely noticed he had slid the egg onto the plate before he was at your side.

“Are you writing for Tumblr?”

That one sentence froze you. Fingers stiffened above the well-loved keyboard of your computer you’d invested a fair amount of money on. Goosebumps swarmed every inch of your skin that suddenly lost a few shades.

Your skittish gaze found purchase in the warm ocean of hazel that bore no judgment, “Did you just say Tumblr? H-how do you know Tumblr Charlie?”

The Canadian hummed in response with a thoughtful expression, “I saw this really cool artwork, and it had a link. I followed it to Tumblr. It’s such a cool site.”

“It’s a hell site.” You deadpanned at the young actor who held no contempt for the different creativity methods unleashed in the fandom. Your e/c irises stayed stuck in a battle of colour with his own eyes.

“If it’s a hell site, why do you go on it?”

“It’s like a car crash or a burning building. It’s horrifying, but you stay to see which outcome ends up winning.” You had to carefully find the words to eloquently describe why you kept returning to a site that was frustrating at times.

“There’s so much diversity from songs, traditional art, poems, dances, covers and now writing. It’s insane.” Charlie chucked as he nudged the plate of breakfast he’d cooked for you, “I’m really digging the ‘90s Lalex books-”

“Fanfics. Fics for short.” You offered the man who held a slight expression of confusion that quickly cleared up, “And the writing has been going on since the series dropped. I’d be rich for every fic that referenced Luke’s aversion to sleeves.”

The boisterous laugh filled the room as Charlie hunched over. His arms wrapped around his midsection.

“Don’t you find it weird that there are fics about you?”

“Weird?” Charlie spoke, scrunching up his nose adorably. His hazel eyes lightened further, “Y/N, I’m not weirded out. I’m honoured that I made enough impact to have people writing about me.”

A small smile broke across your face, “You totally have a secret account, don’t you?”

“No. NO.” The whisper come in the dark of the bedroom where both sides of the couple should be sleeping. You had been before Charlie whined with his phone attached to his hand.

“Baby?” You groaned, turning to find him still invested in the world of fanfiction. His hazel eyes, tear-filled, raised to meet yours, “What are you doing up at-3am?”

“I just finished reading this adorable fic about Willex. The euphoria had me reading the next fic without reading the summary.” Charlie cried to the bedside light you’d turned when his sniffles woke you up. The near distraught man didn’t fight as you gently took his face out of his hand.

“Oh, Char.” You hummed, bringing the brunette into your arms as he mourned whatever was in the fic.

“Luke died with his girlfriend waiting in the Orpheum. She lived and began a life with Bobby..er Trevor.” Charlie whispered against the soft comforter you’d only recently bought, “They never got to say goodbye. As Luke’s portrayer, I just know the double betrayal took him to his knees.”

“Ah, you found @losttinwritings​ ‘See you Again’. That one is a doozy.” You winced, remembering the heartbreaker, “You, however, need sleep.”

Charlie’s eyes quickly met the phone sitting in between you two, “But-”

“Here.” You handed over your own phone after clicking your secondary account, “It’s one of my all-time comfort fics when I’m feeling sad. @dream-a-little-bigger-x​ always nails it out of the park but ‘Love Shack’? Immaculate.”

Charlie’s eyes flickered between the phone in his hand to your eyes twinkling in the albeit shitty lighting the cheap lamp offered. The vulnerability in your eyes at offering your blog took his breath away. This was a place where you were safe in your thoughts with no judgment.

“Oh! And @cherrymaybank​ created ‘A Romantic’. A beautiful story in the eyes of a hopeless romantic Luke and the stoic, independent reader.” You offered with a grin and sigh of happiness, “I’ll have to start tagging you in the ones I adore. Definitely gonna introduce you to @merceret​’s work; it’s always amazing regardless of how long the fic is or the distance between work. I’d wait a thousand years for her.”

Charlie’s lips spread to reveal that smile that always had you falling back in love over and over again. It even eased the panic you felt viewing Charlie’s rather honest confession he put on his Insta story. He’d caused panic within the writing community as he boldly announced his pride, awe, joy and love for all the fandom provided creatively. 

Next thing you knew, you’d started sending each other fics you’d think the other would enjoy; it often ended up with the same fic being sent. Charlie didn’t address the topic publicly to allow the buzz of panic to die down. He also never discovered your personal writing blog either, well, that you knew about.

Sometimes you’d find him sniffling over a story where Luke discovers his girlfriend was unknowingly pregnant and never got to see him child grow up. That one also tore your heart apart and you’d been the one to write it. Just a secret you’d be taking to your grave.

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[wishingtobeinadifferentuniverse]

Always There (Faramir x Gender Neutral!reader)

Request: I'd like to send a Faramir request! And I thought maybe just some fluff, confessing their love to each other? ~ @midearthwritings

Word count: 2249 (sorry I got carried away, it was fun lol)

Warnings: The teensiest bit of angst, fluff, and kissing?

A/N Alright, I thoroughly enjoyed making this one, I always love me some Faramir! Just for reference, I have not gotten to Return of the King yet, I have only watched the movie, so if something seems to be incorrect, my deepest apologies. And yes, I bent the story to match my thoughts. It’s fine. Thank you so much to @guardianofrivendell for helping me with some scenes! Also, a Quisby is a lazy-ass and a yaldson is the son of a prostitute. I looked up medieval insults and thought they were pretty funny. May or may not be using them on my friends...

Denethor was a quisby, a yaldson. You clenched your jaw, seething with anger. You couldn’t say much, for fear of upsetting the king, no, the Steward. But he was sending his only son left to battle. A battle that he could not win. No one would survive. Wasteful. And he sent the love of your life.

Faramir had always been special to you. When you were younger you were closer with Boromir, but as you all grew up, fitting the molds made for you, things changed. Boromir was always learning policy and diplomacy as his father’s right hand. Faramir was left behind with the lesser jobs, that most would consider unpleasant for someone used to a grandeur life. You bonded quickly, soon knowing even the most minuscule details about each other. And all was well. Until Osgiliath was taken again. With Boromir’s success came more criticism of Faramir. This also led to Boromir sent to a secret council regarding a weapon that could change the war. But Boromir never returned from the mission. He never made it back home. To Faramir and you. 

Denethor took the news horribly, but nothing compared to Faramir. He was distraught, hiding the most of his pain. He only confided in you, how lost and unappreciated he felt. He didn’t understand how those words also hurt you, carving deeper into the fresh wound of grief. He didn’t realize how much you appreciated him, how blind he was to your love. It was all you could do to not unravel then and there, piece by piece. But you held strong, for his sake. He had no one left but you. His father did not care for him. His brother who showered him with affection and praise was gone. It was just you two. 

And now he was gone, sent on a death mission, little chance of making it back. You found yourself in your room, not remembering how you got there. Tears were streaming down your face, slowing down to your chin. You went onto the balcony, luckily one that did not face the battle. It would be unbearable to see it. You curled up, your back pressed against the cool stone. You wished you had told him. Told him how you had felt. You relished the memories you shared with him. Even though he only saw you as a friend, no more. The day passed quickly, but you stayed where you were, hidden. And then, a horn sounded. They were back. At least whoever was left. But there were worse things heading towards the gates. Gondor was under attack.

You rushed to the gates, your thoughts clouded with panic. Only one thought was constant. Where was Faramir? You reached the guards at the front. 

“What happened? Who made it back?” You said hurriedly, seeing no signs of injury in the guards nearby. 

“Only the Captain of Gondor made it back ma’am, he was injured horribly. Taken back to the citadel is what I heard. Hardly going to last the night.” The guard looked at you, concerned. “Are you the one Faramir talked about? I was by his side all through Osgiliath. Pardon me if I’m mistaken, but you like precisely like what he described.”

You bowed your head, cheeks a hint darker than normal. It didn’t matter, he only talked about you as a friend. And besides, he was horribly injured. This should be the last thing on your mind. “Aye, that would be me. But excuse me, I must be on my way. I need to find him.” 

You turned from the slightly bemused guard and walked as quickly as you could without causing alarm. Although at this point, everybody had to have known about Faramir. Everyone except you. You turned a corner, quite distracted, and slammed into someone. 

“Oh, I am terribly sorry I- what on Middle Earth?” You stuttered. A child looked up at you, no, not a child, but he was small enough to be a child. Not a dwarf though. Something completely different. 

“Oh hello there! I’m guessing you have never seen a hobbit before! My name is Pippin, and don’t worry about accidentally running into me, it happens a lot. You look very in distress. What is wrong? Also, I am looking for a friend, so if you happen to see him please let me know.” The hobbit, Pippin babbled. You were a bit overwhelmed from everything you were going through but luckily found the patience to deal with this energetic hobbit. 

“Oh, I am looking for a friend as well, his name is Faramir if you manage to find him. And don’t worry little one, I am just worried for his sake.” You responded back quickly, hoping to move on your way. 

Unfortunately for you, the hobbit had different plans. “Oh yes, I am also looking for Faramir, as well as Gandalf. I saw him being led away, and I heard a mutter about the Steward going insane. I am trying to find him to help. But the trouble is brewing, and the fighting will start soon. I am worried, very worried.” Pippin babbled on as you searched the streets for this Gandalf. 

After a little while, he finally saw who he was looking for. He explained quickly what was going on and why he needed to check on Faramir. 

“Faramir is alive but Denethor wants to burn him. He thinks he's dead. ” Pippin spoke hurriedly, already rushing Gandalf along. 

You gasped. “You did not tell me that Denethor was trying to burn him! Why didn’t you tell me?”

Pippin looked confused. “I didn’t tell you? I could have sworn I did.”

You shook your head, your heart racing even faster than it had been before. To make things even worse, you could hear the sounds of battle. The city had finally been breached. Luckily you were far up enough that the orcs hadn’t reached you...yet. Gandalf was farther ahead of you, and you quickened your strides to match his. He turned and looked at you, his eyes piercing yours. You had the strangest feeling that your mind was being invaded. 

“Patience child. We will stop that lunatic before anything happens. He will be alright.” He turned away again as if he hadn’t said a word. You gaped, it was as if he knew exactly what you were thinking. He seemed familiar, but you didn’t know why. But alas, it did not matter at this moment, and you refocused your mind back on who you were trying to save. Faramir. 

As you hurried along, you tried your hardest to remember. His smile. The dimples on his cheeks. How much fun you two had together. Running through the markets when you were younger, causing trouble, but laughing all the way. How he would be publicly humiliated by his father. How you would be there for him, comfort him, make him happier. The hidden smiles in the throne room, the silent laughter, and inside jokes.

You were quickly brought back to the present as some stone shattered right behind you, showering big chunks of rock. You ducked quickly and grabbed the hobbit, making him run faster. You had to get out of there. Gandalf showed you two through a small alley, and all too soon you had arrived at the top. But Faramir and Denethor were nowhere to be seen. Somehow, Gandalf knew exactly where they were, and took you to a smaller room, that was barricaded. He slammed open the doors as if it were nothing, and you ran right into a horrifying scene. 

Denethor was standing on top of a pile of wood, and Faramir lay at his feet, both drenched in oil. Some soldiers had torches in their hands, and some looked hesitant. Everything drained away, all sound was muffled. All you could see was Faramir, and it was as if he knew you there. He rustled slightly and looked straight at you. His lips moved wordlessly, and you couldn’t move, an invisible force stopping you. 

A scream and then fire engulfed the wood, Faramir was taken from your view. Your feet finally decided to start moving, and both you and Pippin ran towards the pyre, grabbing Faramir before the flames could engulf him. Another screech and then you realized that Denethor had been taken by the flames. He ran off to who knows where, and the guards left quickly, helping to aid in the battle. 

It was soon just you, Faramir, Pippin, and Gandalf. Faramir’s eyes were closed, but his heart was still beating. You cradled his head in your lap, softly brushing his hair out of his face. 

“Gandalf, will he be alright?” You asked tentatively, not daring to even look away from Faramir. 

Gandalf sighed. “With time he will heal. But whether he will heal from the pain in his heart is unclear to me. He has been through far too much, as most have in such times, and for your sake, I hope he perseveres.”

You and Gandalf helped Faramir up, who at this point was able to open his eyes slightly. You both brought him to his room, as the medical wing was a greater distance. Pippin trailed behind like a lost puppy. The poor hobbit had probably never seen such violence in his life. You laid him in his bed, and Gandalf bid a quick goodbye, herding Pippin out. 

It was just you and Faramir. You knelt at his bedside and grasped his hand, waiting, hoping, for anything. More memories ran through your mind. He taught you how to use a sword, to protect yourself if need be. And then on your birthday, he had gotten you a sword of your own, beautifully crafted, and balanced perfectly. It was quite a gift to receive, and you protested, but to no avail. It was in your room, hidden so that no one could take it. You remembered how your hands tingled when he gave it to you, just the slightest brush of fingers. But you were young and naive. 

He stirred, and his eyes opened, looking at the ceiling. Then he tilted his head towards you and looked down at your intertwined hands. You stopped breathing for a second, nervous that you might have overstepped your bounds. 

“I am still alive. What happened with my father? I remember the smell of smoke.” Faramir’s voice was raspy still, and quiet.

You looked away, trying to figure out what to tell him. You were the bearer of bad news this time it seemed. “Your father thought you dead and was going to have you burned. I showed up with Gandalf and Pippin only moments before it was to happen. ”

He groaned and turned away. But he held on tighter to your hand, as if you were his lifeline, the one last thing keeping him there with you. “Faramir,” you said hesitantly, “I-I was so afraid of losing you. I never want to lose you again. I-” You broke off, too afraid to say what was on your mind. He was looking right at you, the ghost of a smile on his face. “Continue, please,” he said. He reached his other hand across his body, softly grazing your arm. 

You smiled slightly, taking in a shaky breath. “I love you Faramir. And I have for a long time. I am not creative enough to give a whole speech about my love for you, but my love for you is worthy of a speech if needed.”

Faramir smiled, the brightest you had ever seen it. “I love you too my dear, more than anything, and I am so sorry I never said anything before. Please forgive me.”

Then he slowly reached his hand up to your face, and you leaned towards him. But you went a bit too fast, and accidentally slammed your nose onto his, causing you both to cry out in pain. You felt like you were going to cry, you ruined the special moment. But then he smiled and started laughing so hard. You were so embarrassed, but you also started chuckling. 

In between breaths, Faramir choked out, “Clearly, neither of us have done this.”

You nodded, keeping back a grin.

He cracked a smile, trying to hold in his laughter. But then he sobered up. “Well, I think we should try that again. Help me sit up?”

You felt even more butterflies in your stomach as you propped up a pillow for him and helped him up. You leaned back to make sure he was comfortable, but he grabbed your wrist and pulled you back. You laughed again, and he smiled. He traced a finger up your arm and all the way up to the back of your neck. He leaned in first, making an emphasis on how slow he was moving, but you were too nervous to laugh. Softly, he pressed his lips against yours. You barely moved, not daring to. But you slowly melted as he moved his other hand to the small of your back. You moved your hands, knotting them in his hair, pulling you even closer together. His lips molded against yours, slightly chapped, making you shiver. Ever so slowly, he began to pull away, much to your dismay. But he still held you in arms. 

Slowly, you whispered, “We should have done that sooner.” 

Faramir nodded and pulled you closer. “Thank you,” he whispered back, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. 

[guqin-and-flute]

ok but if jiang cheng gives jin guangyao a jiang sect clarity bell he's going to be so confused and shocked and then probably cry. for days. this family wants him! on purpose! not even as a disciple but as part of the family itself! and they're all accepting him intentionally! and publicly! he's not going to be able to handle that at all.

Anonymous said: Yanli is pregnant, about to give birth and JGY is so anxious and nervous. It's his first kid! He doesn't want to do anything wrong, neither for this child, nor for Yanli, nor for her brothers. He's going crazy. As time went by, the more involved with the affairs of the Jiang sect he became, but now, in the face of the birth of his son, nothing was enough to soothe his nerves. He was genuinely going crazy. So JC, WWX and JGY bonding time!!

(WONDERFUL, anons! I’m putting these two together because it felt right! This is a trip and a half to write because I came into it going ‘this is fluff!’ and JGY came into it going ‘this is torture’. Did you know that having nice things is untenably terrible? Cause I didn’t until I consulted JGY, but this seems to be the case)

[First post/fic of the Peony to Lotus verse. Set after these posts]

Jin Guangyao hated when his thoughts became too much to ignore. It should not happen, he should be able to package this anxiety into a neat little box like every other thing that had ever made his hands shake and get on with his business but here he was, gripping the edge of the window sill tight enough to make his knuckles ache as he simply fought to breathe. 

A-Li was far enough along, now, that she spent most of her time bedridden, radiant and tired and soft and patient and--

Sometimes, he would come to himself realizing he was smiling over something ridiculous Wei Wuxian had said, or the way that A-Li looked in the sun just then, or A-Yuan clinging to his leg and he wouldn’t have meant to and it was so fucking awful. And he had no one to discuss it with, not even A-Li, not even Er-ge because they would have no idea what he was talking about. Because they had had the practice of their whole lives to bear the weight of putting their heart into other people and letting them run around and do what they would with it. Soon, he would have a child. A child. 

He already had a wife, and he had felt the uncomfortable stretch of accommodation in his bones when he had realized, with deep terror, that he actually loved her. Deeper still, somehow, when she had loved him back. Then Wei Wuxian had elbowed his way into His People--when had he gotten people? When had that happened?--then Jiang Wanyin, then Wuxian’s little A-Yuan. Lying in bed next to a gently snoring A-Li, staring at the ceiling above, painted in the slow, light ripples from the lake, he had quietly realized that even Wen Qing and Wen Ning would leave holes within himself he would be able to trace in their outlines, were they taken from Lotus Pier.

It had taken him quietly confessing to Lan Xichen the depth of his anxiety over the pregnancy, his gentle chuckle, his hand on his cheek as he assured him that he would be an excellent father that Gods! Gods, he was one of them, too! One of His, living there already, before he even knew to look. How had he not known? When had he filleted his heart in such a manner and with what knife so sharp that he hadn’t even felt the sting? Was it supposed to be this easy to lose yourself in others? The last time he had been a part of anyone, she had died in his arms on a whorehouse bed, whispering about a man who had never come back to collect his token, his son. Her son. 

Jin Guangyao blew out his breath, rocked from heel to the ball of his foot as if limbering up for exercise, trying to expend the buzz of anxious energy that crawled under his skin, excise the slow panic that had been building these many months. 

Wen Qing had said it was going well. That everything was normal. Back pains and knee pains and trouble sleeping were normal. 

A child.

Pushing away from the sill, he shook his arms out at his sides as he turned away from, then back to the window when the nausea within him bloomed, bid him to grab something, hold something, anchor himself against the current of this emotion. He wrapped his fingers back around it, put his head down and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He was supposed to be meeting Jiang Wanyin in the Hall of Swords. He was going to be late.

There was no reason for this. There were duties to attend to, things he must do, errands he must run. A-Li had said she felt fine. They had a while, yet; weeks. Days. 

Days and he would hold a baby. His baby. Their baby. Made from them, of them, out of them and into the world where it could grow and think and laugh and run and leave and die--

A harsh, clamped down sound left him as he squeezed his eyes tighter, tucked his chin down lower as he rocked back again, stretching back from his arms, feeling the burn down the backs of his legs. Focus on the physicality. Focus on the feeling. Accept the inevitable; what was done was done. 

Bring in a life to the world and you bring in a death. How equitable, how balanced. How insane.

How was he allowed to do this? How could someone like him who had never dreamed of fatherhood past a vague, uninterested ‘perhaps’ of a future just...choose that? How on earth could someone like him be allowed to make another human and be tasked with its health, it’s happiness? What did he know of happiness, having had so precious little of it? 

Well, until now. And there lay the problem. 

For here he was, in a place he thought was exile but was, in fact, a seeming paradise unlike any he had known, full of ease and warmth and love and it was worse than he could ever have possibly imagined because he was used to the struggle it was supposed to have been. Had always been. Was going to have been. His goals had never been about comfort and love but about safety and what was owed to him. He was a Jin, therefore he would be a Jin--he would work to become it at the expense of everything and everyone else because it was the place he belonged. If he could get there, if he could be recognized, it would be Right. Not necessarily good, not necessarily comfortable, but Right. Safe.

And now here he was, miles and miles away at Lotus Pier, amongst Jiangs and Wens, lilypads and lotuses, and he was happy. Not necessarily Right. Not necessarily...Safe, in the most concrete of definitions. The scorch marks at the base of some buildings, the abundance of tablets in the shrine told how nebulous such physical safety might prove to be. The Jins had the money and numbers for that safety. But ask him--ask him, don’t ask him, please--whether he now wanted that or this and his hesitation would betray decades of his life, his promises to his mother, his plans. 

And it was all transient. Able to be taken and broken in the beat of a heart. Lanling was supposed to have been forever. Yunmeng was supposed to have been a setback, a roadblock, a stalling, a breaking, a dying of a dream. How on earth had this hidden in the folds of that? Just burst into being with no intention? How had this happened?

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t thought of these things throughout A-Li’s pregnancy, hadn’t spent many a night pacing throughout the walkways of Lotus Pier, taking care of this or that at some godsforsaken hour where he would sometimes cross paths with a cheery Wei Wuxian, wiling away the wee hours of the morning on less focused pursuits. But these thoughts had been successfully contained and filed away, not unearthing themselves in the light of day when other obligations required his attention. 

They would grow louder when he saw A-Li’s belly, when he lay his cheek on it in bed and felt the restless life within push back against him, but they were still containable, kept at bay by the sheer joy that lit his wife up whenever she caught him looking at her. She was infectious with it, her excitement to usher in this new person seeming so clean and pure and delightful through her eyes. And he could see it--of course he could--the joy in the idea of a little one who came out loving you, would only ever know loving you, if you did it right--

And that. And that made his stomach churn and his hands clench, made every uncertainty that had ever used his ribs as a ladder to his throat scream in chorus because it was if you did it right. There was no plan to cover everything. No contingency that caught everyone, in all cases. And there were so many ways to fail--in little ways, big ways, catastrophic ways. 

When this tumble of a thought started, it was nearly impossible not to be crushed beneath its roll, the parade of every man he had ever seen in the brothel of his childhood playing across the backs of his eyes, accompanied by the ever present absence and then terribly wounding reality of his own father. How could he not be like them? What treacherous part of his own psyche did he have to avoid so he did not wound this child the ways he had been? Could he? 

Could he only wait, without a plan, without warning, for the time that he would bring harm to his child, whether through action or inaction? He would go insane. He would absolutely lose his mind. 

He felt as if he was already. 

He pushed back from the window again, hard, swung himself around and set off for the Hall of Swords. The sun passed hot on his face through the windows, brief bands of cool striping over when he reached the edge. 

Jiang Wanyin was seated on the lotus throne with Wei Wuxian perched insolently on one of it’s sleek petals, both looking down at something in Jiang Wanyin’s hand. “Hello, Jin-gongzi,” came Wen Ning’s hesitant voice from his side and, wound as tight as he was, Jin Guangyao had to clamp down his startlement and instead offer a smile and nod to the man that moved as quietly as a ghost. 

“Good afternoon, Wen-gongzi. Jiang-zongzhu. Wei-gongzi.”

“Sooo formal,” Wuxian drawled, spinning Chenqing through his fingers with a grin. “Come here, we’ve got something to show you.” Eagerly, he hopped down, then hesitated and turned back to peer at him closely. “You alright?”

Jin Guangyao flashed a smile he knew pressed in his dimples and stuffed down every part of him that shook. “Perfectly.” When he approached, Jiang Wanyin traded a knowing, poorly suppressed smile with both Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning beside him and held out his hand.

In it was a tiny silver bell set on a long purple tassel, the knotwork fine and intricate, hung with a little jade lotus above it. The Jiang Sect’s Clarity Bell. Since it seemed to be what he was intending, Jin Guangyao accepted it with a smile and polite nod as he brought it closer to study, absorbing the engraving of the lotus petals on the metal, the clear chime that rang out when it moved. It was a beautiful little thing and it took him half a moment to realize that this was them seeking his approval for a gift for his child. The spread of his smile became slightly more real and he tilted his head. “Ah. It’s beautiful, Jiang-zongzhu.” A bit long for an infant, he added silently, but they will grow into it, certainly. “Very lovely.”

“Uh...mn,” Jiang Wanyin answered, the way he had started doing when he was unsure of what just happened and when he glanced up, he caught him sharing a befuddled look with Wei Wuxian.

“Wow. I dunno what I was expecting, but not that,” Wei Wuxian laughed, putting his hands on his hips and shaking his head as if he were puzzled. 

Jin Guangyao let his placeholder smile emerge, holding the pleasantness in place while his mind whirred, attempting to piece together what had gone wrong. Was he supposed to be more excited? He could certainly do that. “I appreciate it very much,” he elaborated, stroking a finger down the sleek tassels in obvious admiration. “The workmanship is incredibly intricate and lovely. A-Li will be very pleased and I’m sure it will serve our child well.” Perhaps it was supposed to be of bigger consequence--but if that were the case, wouldn’t there have been more ceremony?

Wei Wuxian snickered again, very clearly at him, and even Jiang Wanyin grinned, tilting his brother another one of those infuriating  looks that, at present, was sending irritation skittering down Jin Guangyao’s spine. Usually he had the patience for their antics, but with the background noise of his fear, it was a bit much. 

“Jin-g-gongzi,” Wen Ning spoke up again, the hint of a smile in his voice. “It’s for you.”

Jin Guangyao looked back at him, uncomprehendingly blank. It’s for him. What was for him? The bell? The bell was for the Jiang Sect--

His head jerked back around to stare at it again, his fingers closing like a vice around the smooth flow of the tassels. For him. It was for him. “But….” choked from him without warning, so he snapped his mouth shut and simply...stared.

“Oh-ho, that’s a new one. What does that one mean?” Wei Wuxian leaned down in his peripheral, the indistinct blur of his face cut with the white of his smile.

He could not answer. That burning, trembling fear was bubbling up his stomach, his throat, his spine until it throbbed in his temples and sinuses. 

“--figured it was about time, I mean, considering how long you’ve been here and all--” Wei Wuxian was saying breezily in the background, but Jin Guangyao felt the cold weight of Wen Ning’s gentle hand on his arm like gravity, pulling him back to this room. 

“Jin-gongzi, are you alright?” he asked, softly.

Wei Wuxian stopped at this and the brightly colored forms in the corners of his eyes drew closer, reached out to touch him as well, his shoulder, his arm. “Hey. Hey, Jin-xiong, look at me.”

He did, because it was simple, because it was asked of him and when he did, Wei Wuxian blinked. “Wow. You really didn’t know, did you?”

“We have one for the baby, of course,” Jiang Wanyin added in from his side, as if that was even remotely the problem. “It’s smaller, but….”

They seemed to be waiting for him to say something, which at this moment seemed absurdly impossible. It was for him. For him. Without asking. Without begging. Without having to bow and scrape and kowtow and….

They wanted him. They wanted him. They wanted him. 

He opened his mouth to say something, anything but all that came out was a strangled, shaky, “Ha….” that squeezed shut at the end as his stupid fucking traitorous ill-behaved throat closed and he, all at once, had to crouch down to stop the spinning in his idiot head, burying his face in his knees. There was a hand on his back as he sucked in a shuddering breath, then another on his wrist as someone crouched before him but he couldn’t look up because his eyes were dripping unsanctioned tears onto his purple robes and the clarity bell rang out sweetly with every ridiculous tremor of his hand. 

He didn’t want this. A child. A family. He couldn’t want this because he wanted this and if he wanted something, it would hurt to be taken away, it could tear him, it could kill him. He wasn’t big enough to have this many People huddle inside of his chest. He hadn’t enough heart to go around. 

But they wanted him anyway. Not out of obligation or guilt or political savvy or because he had done something so exceptional it could not be ignored but because they did. Him.

Help.

At least he had always cried quietly. The one blessing in this whole ordeal. If he couldn’t control his damn self, at least he wasn’t wailing like...an infant. A baby. His baby.

Gods, what in the hell was he doing?

“Should we get A-jie?” was muttered and he surged to his feet, startling Wei Wuxian stumbling back a few steps.

“No!” he gasped, allowing his hand to clamp onto Wen Ning’s supportive wrist so he didn’t topple over. “No, no, don’t bother A-Li, I’m fine, I’m--”

“You’re definitely not,” Wuxian interrupted with an incredulous laugh. “Did we break you? Is it bad?”

“Is it bad?” Jiang Wanyin echoed, quieter, more uncertain from his side and Jin Guangyao shook his head, tried desperately to latch back onto his control. 

“No, it’s not. It’s...um….” That stupid quaver spoiled it again as his gaze landed back on the bell, innocent and fine, resting on the backs of his knuckles from where it sprouted through his grip. His face crumpled anew, this time a little softer, at little less wildly transporting, but still fully out of his control and dammit, shit, and fuck. This was stupid. He was stupid. This didn’t need to be happening.

Wen Ning gently patted his back as he covered his face, trying in vain to stifle this absurd, unceasing flow that seemed to come from deep within him as every part of him writhed, knowing he was being seen doing this. Knowing that he could not stop. That this weakness was….

 On purpose? A small, helpless part of him was asking repeatedly. Did you mean to do this? You know everyone will be able to see if I wear this, right? This is on purpose? 

A stupid question. An obvious answer. The reasons for which eluded him. 

“If it upsets you so much, I could take it back for you,” Wei Wuxian teased--obviously teased--while reaching out and in the most terrifying motion he had ever made, Jin Guangyao jerked the bell away from him and pressed it to his middle. He hadn’t even meant to do it. 

He needed to leave.

“No. I’m fine. I...thank you. Thank you for this, I….” He looked over at Jiang Wanyin, saw the alarm and furrowed bemusement in his face and managed to force out, nakedly. “I’m...having a difficult time...absorbing this.”

“Well, that much is clear!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed, clapping his brother on the shoulder. “Look, Jiang Cheng! We’ve made him speechless! Took the silver tongue right out of his head and turned it into a bell.”

“Are you...happy?” Jiang Wanyin asked, hesitantly.

Jin Guangyao was not so certain--was happiness supposed to burn like this? Dredge your deepest depths without mercy? But he could not lie and say that that small voice hadn’t now transmuted into simply chanting mine mine mine mine mine. He needed to absorb this. He needed to be away. It was wrong because it was not Right--but when had Right ever made him so warm? Golden. He swallowed and took a deep, shuddering breath, stifling the steady swell of tears with immense difficulty. “I think so.”

“You are so strange,” Wei Wuxian grinned, throwing his arms around him and Wen Ning. “Here, I’ll put it on.”

When he cheerily plucked the bell from Jim Guangyao's frozen grip, Jiang Wanyin shot his brother a scowl. "Don't you think I should be the one to do that?"

"I don't see you shifting yourself to, so it's my job as oldest brother to welcome him in," Wei Wuxian announced. "Deal with it."

It all seemed so wretchedly possible as he knelt down before him and gleefully manhandled his belt around, as Jin Guangyao just...let him, staring down at him in a daze. A life here, raising children--happy children with a happy wife and happy brother-in-law's and happy sect-mates. Happy. Ephemeral.  Delicate. Unprotected.

“There,” Wei Wuxian proclaimed as he rose again, wrapping his arm around his shoulders again and thumping his chest affectionately. “Now you’re officially one of us. It was all Jiang Cheng’s idea, to tell you the truth.”

It was all Jin Guangyao could do to take an iron grip of his throat’s functions, look up at Jiang Wanyin’s nervous smile and ask in a tight, small voice. “You’re sure?”

While his smile turned slightly sour with puzzlement, the Clan Leader gave a huff of amusement. “Of course I’m sure. What kind of question is that?”

“Congratulations, gongzi!” Wen Ning beamed eagerly, bobbing his head. They all looked at him with wide smiles. Now knowing smiles. The knowing that he wanted to hate but couldn’t muster more than a prickle.

When Jin Guangyao bowed, deeply, they scoffed and the tiny bell hung from his belt gave a little chime. Still smiling, they watched him go and he blindly made his way back and back and back to his room. To A-Li. 

She was reading on the bed when he burst in and she blinked up at him. “Oh! Are--” her eyes went to his hand, clutching the slim silk line that connected to his belt, and her worry melted away into beaming excitement. “So they did it? They made me promise not to be there. Here, come here, come here, you.” She held out her arms and he shakingly made his way to the bed and practically collapsed within them, burying his nose into the softness of her as she wrapped around him. 

Here, he was safe. Here, he could ask. “Is this alright?” he whispered, voice choked again. “Is this allowed?”

“Is what, A-Yao?”

He clenched the bell in one hand and laid the other on her stomach, both still trembling as he shook his head, encompassing all of it, everything, anything here.

“Oh, love,” she crooned into his hair, stroked his face. “Of course.”

And here, against her, in the quiet and the safety, he let the tears come again as the pressure threatened to burst him--let himself weep, either in joy or grief, for all the things he now had to lose.

[demivampirew]

Do I mean anything to you?

Soft and fluffy August x reader - one shot (This was inspired by a dream I had - yay! My first August dream! *heart eyes, motherf*cker*

Triggers: Talking about sex (mild smut); arguing; use of curse words; stalking (a bit)

You can find more of my writings in the Masterlist

Tag list: @lunedelorient​​ @henrythickcavill​ @wolvesandhoundshowltogether​ @mary-ann84​ @desperate-and-broken​ @peakygroupie​ @summersong69​ @ivvitm1109​ @madbaddic7ed​ @iloveyouyen​ @the-soot-sprite @hell1129-blog​

- Hey, come back!- August shouted after you stormed out of the room. You were wearing a very sensual lingerie set with stockings and high heel shoes. - Fuck you!- you replied angrily. - Come on, don't be mad, you're killing the mood.-he tried to joke. - You must be insane if you think that I'll have sex with you now.-you exclaimed. - Oh, Jesus.- he said, rolling his eyes- you're so melodramatic. - You're kidding, right?- you asked annoyed- No, of course, you're not. You are an asshole. -Hey, be nice.-he warned you. - Or what? - you defied him. - Or daddy's going to punish you for being a bad girl.- he answered playfully as he approached you and tried to kiss you unsuccessfully since you moved quickly before he reached you. - You're not my daddy. That little fun play is over, get out!- you ordered him but he didn't move.- Get out!- you repeated yourself, screaming out loud. Again, he stood there with no intention to leave. Tears started to fall from your eyes but were from rage rather than pain, or at least that's what you thought. - I'm sorry.-he apologized, defeated.- I don't know what else to say to make you forgive me. - How about I'm sorry that I made you believe that I have any intentions of getting real with you when in reality you were just a pussy I can fuck whenever I want without giving a shit about your feelings.- you told him bitterly. He sighed. - Alright. Let's have the fucking date if that's going to make you happy.- he offered. - You're unbelievable!- now you were the one rolling your eyes. - Wasn't that the reason you got mad at me? Because you asked me to go out next week and I told you I don't want to go out, I prefer to meet like we were doing all the past few months.-he questioned you. - I'm mad because from the beginning you told me that you were on board on the idea of getting together and having a relationship, but so far you only seem interested on me when you need a hole to put it on.- you reproached him. You weren't so sure anymore that the tears were from anger. He sighed and walk to you, grabbing your face to force you to look him in the eyes. - Honestly, at first, I said the things I said because I just wanted to have sex and I assumed I'd never see you again, so who cares?- he confessed and quickly continued after seeing that you got even angrier- but then the sex was so good I wanted more and more and then I realized that I truly enjoyed your company.- he said firmly. - If that's the case, why you keep avoiding me, huh? Why you don't want to date me? Do you think you're too good for me? That I'm a whore no worthy of a man like you?- you asked frustrated. - I don't give a fuck about that. So no, is not that.- he paused and took a deep breath and then continued- I have a job, a serious one. I cannot publicly talk about my job and is better for you not to know. It keeps me busy but is also dangerous. Usually, believe it or not, I spent most of my free time with you. - Are you in some kind of gang?- you questioned worriedly. - No, let's say that is on the other side of that line.- he explained. - You're a cop? - Something like that. The less you know, the better it is.- August said. - That sounds like such a bullshit.- you pointed out, raising an eyebrow. He sighed and took his wallet from his pant's pocket and showed you his CIA identification. You looked at it and then at him. - Happy? - he questioned you. After a moment he put it back on its place. Then, he starred at you and then lifted your chin with his finger.- Are you willing to accept that there are things about my life that need to be a secret, for your best interest, and that often I'll have to leave the country out of the blue and that I might spend weeks apart? - he wanted to know and you nodded.- Would you like to be my girlfriend then? - he requested. - Yes.- you agreed, pouting a bit because you were still upset from the fight. He kissed you and all those feeling went away. That was the reason you forgot about how much it hurt him neglecting you: his hisses that made you feel as if you on the top of the world. How amazing it felt his hands, tongue and lips explore your body; the burning sensation from your groins every time he fucked you. He wasn't much of a talker, but he was a great listener. You didn't know much about his life, but for sure he knew yours almost completely. Even when you had rough sex, he would reciprocate every kiss and tenderly touch your body with his lips. He never said not to after sex snuggling. He was cold but sweet. But now, with this huge revelation, you understood better why he was how it was and you felt much better. He carried you back to the bed and let him fuck you until almost the breaking down.

August was fucked up and he knew it. With all the things happening, having a girlfriend was no the greatest idea. If word about his relationship came into the wrong ears, you could be in danger and he'd hate himself for that. He didn't lie to you. At first, you was just a pretty woman who he wanted to have a little of fun with, but then he wanted more of what you had to offer and then sex became just one of the reason he went to visit you: you were the happy side of his life, he loved to hear you talk about things you loved and complain about your family or co-workers. He protected you all that time without you finding out. He installed a camera in every access to your house in which he could access from an app on his phone and his computer. He needed to know that no enemy knew about you and hurt you to get to him. But now that wasn't enough. He'd do the unimaginable to protect his lady.

[thephantomessoftheopera]

Notes on Gaston Leroux’s “The Phantom of the Opera” - Chapter 14: “A Masterstroke by the Lover of Trapdoors”

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Raoul and Christine are still running away from the shadow on the rooftop when they encounter the Persian, who tells them to run in the opposite direction. Raoul makes another try at getting Christine to run away with him on the spot, but once again, she refuses and repeats that Raoul will probably need to make her go against her will if he wants to elope with her (what is he supposed to do though? Drag a screaming and kicking Christine through the opera house? Drug her or knock her unconscious and roll her up in a carpet?).

She tries to convince him that Erik has not overheard their conversation on the rooftop because he is working on „Don Juan Triumphant“, but doesn’t seem to quite believe it herself. When Raoul bitterly says how brave she was to play his fiancée, Christine reveals that she had actually told Erik all about the engagement game she was playing with Raoul, and that he was willing to tolerate it under the assumption that Raoul would be leaving for the North Pole soon.

It is also obvious that despite the kiss Christine has given him in the preceding chapter, Raoul is still unsure of her feelings, which might also be due to her speaking of it like a one-time thing:

“Are people unhappy when they’re in love?”  “Yes, when they’re in love and aren’t sure of being loved.” “Are you saying that for Erik?” “For Erik and for myself”, answered Raoul, shaking his head with a thoughtful, forlorn expression.”

To a certain degree, Christine might be asking that first question for herself, too, since she is obviously unhappy and has shown signs of crying before. Keep in mind that this is the last interaction we see between Raoul and Christine before her abduction. Raoul is still uncertain at this point if Christine actually loves him, which means that he is soon going to risk his life for a girl whose feelings remain a mystery to him. We’ve got to give him some credit for that…

In her conversation with Raoul, Christine calls Erik a “man of heaven and earth” - not a ghost, monster or demon. She has seen his face, and even though she feels horror, she apparently also sees him as a man here. Raoul is once again taken aback by how Christine talks about Erik, making him question her determination to leave. She also tells him that no matter where she calls, Erik will always hear her. This is certainly due to the acoustics of the building and its secret passageways, since Erik apparently used similar techniques in the palace he built in Persia. On a deeper level, this is a symbol of how strongly they are still bound together, and seems to extend into the supernatural.

We also learn that Erik has promised Christine to stay away from her dressing room and her bedroom in his house, and that she trusts what he says. It is quite poignant to see how far Erik and Christine apparently trust each other, and how each of them is not fully deserving of the trust put into them even if they seem to be trying. In „Apollo‘s Lyre“, Christine also mentions how she instinctively trusted Erik.

Erik has given Christine a key to his house, which must be a pretty big thing for him as he puts his own safety into her hands with this. Christine shows Raoul the key but refuses to give it to him when he demands it because it “would be a betrayal” (apparently, she doesn‘t consider what happened on the rooftop a „betrayal“ and is also unwilling to betray Erik). But then she realises that she has lost Erik’s gold ring, probably while she gave Raoul the kiss on the rooftop - which is symbolic, of course. When Erik gave her the ring, he told her that she would be safe as long as she wore it - but if she parted with it, he would take revenge. She is greatly distressed, fearing what Erik might do to both of them - but even that is not enough to get her to run away. As she seems to have lost the ring on the rooftop, and Erik has it back in his possession two days later, saying that he had found it, it is likely that he directly picked it up after Christine and Raoul left the rooftop.

Raoul then goes home, cursing Erik and resolving to save Christine while he goes to bed. In the darkness, he thinks he sees Erik’s glowing eyes watching him from the balcony, and turns on the light to see if the eyes disappear. He takes his pistol and fires a shot at Erik’s eyes, which wakes the entire household including Philippe. Philippe thinks Raoul, who is rambling incoherently, has gone completely mad and asks him who this „Erik“ is that Raoul seems to be so obsessed with. Raoul states:

“He’s my rival!”

That statement is significant because it shows that Raoul views Erik primarily as a romantic threat to himself - not just as a threat to Christine’s safety or a general nuisance that he needs to get rid of, but as a serious contender for Christine’s hand. Raoul considering him his rival also puts them on more or less equal footing. Raoul also starts to worry that he should not have been so rash because if it really was Erik, Christine might not forgive Raoul for hurting him after all.

From Raoul’s description of his glowing eyes and the fact that there really is blood on the balcony and the drainpipe, we can conclude that it was indeed Erik standing there, and that he has been wounded by Raoul’s shot to a significant degree, considering there was enough blood to have seeped through his clothing and dripped onto the balcony in a very short time. The explanation of Raoul having shot at a cat doesn’t sound very likely, given that cats wouldn’t usually slide down drainpipes to get off a balcony.

Raoul and Philippe go on to quarrel over Raoul’s plan to elope with Christine. Philippe will not tolerate Raoul marrying a girl from the opera, but Raoul seems to be determined to go through with his plan anyway and defy Philippe’s wishes.

The next morning, there is an article in the newspaper “L’Époque” revealing that Raoul and Christine are engaged and about to marry. It is somewhat strange though because we never see Raoul and Christine actually getting engaged in a serious fashion. There’s the “engagement game” of course, but it cannot be considered the same as a serious marriage proposal. In addition to that, the last time we saw Raoul and Christine discussing their elopement, there were distinctly no plans of marriage included, as Raoul promised to take Christine away and then leave her to herself, as she has decided *not* to marry. It is not clear when that plan changed, or if Christine is even aware that his plans have changed. Philippe is very much embarrassed by Raoul’s behaviour, and swears that he will stop Raoul if he still plans to go through with his plans of elopement with Christine. Raoul leaves without saying anything more to Philippe, and spends the day making preparations for the elopement until 9 pm.

There is a curious detail that Leroux draws attention to, but I’m unsure about why he mentions it at all: Raoul’s carriage is driven by a coachman “whose face was largely hidden by the long scarf he wore” (They might have picked up on this in the 2004 movie). It cannot be Erik here though, as he now appears on scene to observe the carriage while the coachman is still sitting on it. In this scene, Erik is wearing the attire we have come to associate with him because of the musical mostly - the black cloak and felt hat.

During that night’s performance of Faust, Christine appears in the role of Marguerite again, but this time, the rumours about her engagement from the morning paper cause the audience to react with hostility to her since they see her as a social climber. This gives her (and us) an idea of how Parisian society would have reacted to her if she had ever become the Viscountess (or Countess, if Philippe is dead) de Chagny (and it would most likely have been far worse if she had married the man suspected of having killed his brother over her in public). Christine is quickly losing confidence when she suddenly sees Carlotta appear in one of the boxes, and her defiant nature is awakened. Not wishing to appear weak and succumb before her enemy, she regains her confidence and sings with all her soul again.

In the final scene of „Faust“, Faust and Mephisto come to rescue an insane Marguerite from her prison cell, but even though she and Faust confess their love for each other, she refuses to escape and asks the angels to take her soul to heaven instead (you can watch it here, for example: https://youtu.be/i2C4ezHUF1I).

Final scene from „Faust“ performance at the Metropolitan Opera (image from bruzanemediabase.com)

When Christine pleads with the angels in the final prison scene, Leroux makes use of the ambiguity of the „angel“. Raoul stands up from where he has been sitting in the amphitheater (not the de Chagny box where Philippe is sitting), but the Angel of Music is quicker: the entire stage is plunged into darkness, and when the lights return, Christine is gone. A great commotion ensues, with everybody trying to explain where Christine could be, but her co-star Carolus Fonta then announces publicly that she has disappeared, and that no one knows what has really happened.

Erik’s action here is both daring and desperate. From his perspective, he needs to act now before Christine will be out of his reach forever. He has overheard the escape plan, and I guess he also saw the newspaper speculating about her impending marriage, and now sees his hand forced before it’s too late for him. The chapter‘s title calling it a „masterstroke“ („coup de maître“) highlights the extraordinary skill and boldness that were necessary to stage his abduction of Christine in the fashion that he chose. The „lover of trapdoors“ is a nickname that was given to him in Persia, as we will later learn from the Persian.

Image from wikipedia

Next chapter >>

[marnz]

pausing my “”productive”” evening to be briefly insane with rage at this extremely stupid, imprecise, and ignorant essay about garth greenwell and ocean vuong, holy shit, i guess punching down is quite easy when you don’t even feel the need to make a point. 

i haven’t finished On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous so I cannot speak to that aspect of the essay other than to say 1) the prose is amazing 2) writing to reach someone is the main function of a writer, you need to approach an emotional work in an emotionally open and receptive manner, 3) the critiques of the novel come across as jealous and a purposefully mean spirited reading. however,

if you READ What Belongs to You, if you READ Cleanness, you understand WHY these books are so sincere and WHY there is so much “”gay suffering”” and it is because the narrator fucking hates himself. This is not a secret. Greenwell’s primary aesthetic project in these books is tackling the intersections of shame and desire. What causes intense shame? The fact that the narrator’s father treated him horribly for his entire life because the narrator is sexually attracted to men--and so Greenwell explores gay sex and intimacy. I don’t think this could have been made more apparent? In the middle section of What Belongs to You the narrator reflects on his relationship with his dying father, and begins by discussing the innocent and familial intimacy between the two of them that vanished immediately when the father realized the narrator was gay, as a child. 

The narrator is “”sincere”” and confessional about everything as a way to convey the intersections of shame and desire using prose that mirrors the looping, sometimes ponderous thought process of the self loathing. He is capable of reflecting on his terrible qualities and unsafe sexual choices, his obsession with self endangerment through sex and his self blame/culpability, because he thinks there is something not only inherently wrong with him, but inherently unlovable. This is something he obsesses about and it is why partially why the book reads as confessional (the other reason is it is the contemporary modern style. Almost every celebrated litfic novelist is doing it nowadays.) Sex is linked danger, shame, and rejection over and over again for the narrator and he struggles to move on from it because it’s all he thinks he deserves! The craft decision to use sex as a way to explore not just shame/desire but the narrator’s character is incredible! More people should do this! In one of the most harrowing chapters of Cleanness, “Gospodar,” the narrator goes to a professional dom and confesses to wanting to become “nothing.” He explicitly engages in humiliation play. Enough said!

The whole “gay suffering gay man sad” thing is NOT done as suffering for shock value or because it’s a sincere belief in what gay people deserve. This was a common critique of What Belongs to You and I agree it’s thankless to read if you went into it expecting gay Pretty Woman or a happy ending, l m a o, especially since one of the other craft projects of the novel is using Mitko to symbolize Bulgaria post iron curtain/””communism.”” Greenwell then uses Cleanness address the gay suffering critiques by exploring the narrator’s relationship with R....and these chapters are absolutely beautiful and moving and healing for the narrator, he finally gets to say shit like:

 “Sex had never been joyful for me before, or almost never, it had always been fraught with shame and anxiety and fear, all of which vanished at the sight of his smile, simply vanished, it poured a cleanness over everything we did” and 

“I caught my breath at [something R did for him], I felt a weird pressure and heat climb my throat. I felt like my heart would burst, those were the words for it, the hackneyed phrase, and I was grateful for them, they were a container for what I felt, proof of its commonness. I was grateful for that, too, the commonness of my feeling; I felt some stubborn strangeness in me ease, I felt like part of the human race.”

I don’t think it’s ever confirmed that the narrator in What Belongs to You is the same narrator as Cleanness but I think they must be because of the social implications of cleanness as related to gay sex and to aspects of shame, especially because in part 3 of WBTY the narrator learns he has syphilis, which is a very publicly disfiguring disease if not treated. It’s sexual leprosy, it is disfiguring shame. We read all of Cleanness understanding certain actions he takes as being because of what happened to Mitko, like insisting on condoms. I think the choice of it being syphilis as opposed to AIDs is purposeful but that is another post i will not be making.

The relationship with R is doomed to fail partially because R also experiences immense shame connected to being gay for a different reason and because the narrator is predisposed to self sabotage and other various reasons. It does end, the narrator goes back to his dangerous sexual practices, and Greenwell is careful to show that part of the reason the narrator does this is because he finds social as well as sexual gratification from it. With R the narrator did not do any form of kink except body worship, but body worship is not what the narrator craves because he craves humiliation play! I think the thing that is most interesting about Cleanness in particular is the way it explores different avenues of intimacy, different modes, you can be with someone for a very long time and feel felt and loved and understood and then be with someone else and feel felt and loved and understood in different, equally important ways. Every single relationship in your life is a trade off of these and your own prioritization of your own needs. Greenwell shows that the narrator’s sexual practices and his love for kink is an important need just as it is a self destructive one because of the linking of shame and desire. This is all made explicit in “The Little Saint” (which we are given to understand is post-R) narrator acts as a dom for once and explores being on the other side of the coin. He gets into it and later finds it very upsetting because for him all shame and humiliation is linked to being gay, which circles back to his father, and the sub ends up explaining to the narrator that you don’t have to dominate someone by humiliating them like that. Like what’s not clicking here!!!!!!! 

My other main frustrations with this essay are:

the linking of sincerity = gay trauma when good art is often about sincerity and sincerity of emotion, either exploring it or eliciting it, even satire, even fucking...marvel movies, lowest common denominator writing wise, try to make their fans feel something

the fact HE CLEARLY DIDN’T READ THE BOOKS. i know Cleanness is set up as a collection of short stories so you have to take it apart line by line  but WBTY is not like that. The shame = bad dad aspect could not have been more clear if it was underlined.

The fact that the essay says Ocean Vuong “is an artist of the memorably obtuse one-liner” as a derogatory thing which is SO rude and comes across as incredibly petty and jealous. Ocean Vuong is a fucking genius. Go after Rupi Kaur if you want to critique a poet who is actually over celebrated, damn

the idea of sincerity = cringe and the inability of many modern critics to moderate their response to a piece of work based on the project or any of its other qualities it is doing instead of like, how it made them feel expressed as sarcastically as possible. I am not a critic but I do not think this is difficult to do. What Belongs to You made me incredibly uncomfortable and sad for much of the book but I was still able to appreciate it? Even when I was like “ahhhhh i hate this” I could understand and appreciate aspects of craft/characterization/emotion/prose/whatever. This is basic shit.

the fact this essay doesn’t even explore the craft genius of Cleanness? it is really subversive to use sex like that in litfic, let alone gay sex...like I understand not liking something just based on your personal tastes but I’m like ?????????? so shocked that the whole craft thing and aesthetic project just doesn’t come up???????? At all?????? ALSO YOU WOULD THINK in an essay that tries to cash in on the outrage of ‘all gay art is suffering’ would explore why the wealthy, straight, white publishing industry and literary elite does invest in gay suffering and the homophobia/history behind it but no! this essay doesn’t even do that!

the fact this got published at all

anyway this essay is stupid and i am stupid for typing up basically an essay about it but like! where else can i do this! if you read all the way to the end pls read Garth Greenwell and Ocean Vuong thanks bye

[truelovevoltage]

His Confession - Takane Momochi

Y/N couldn’t believe that she would fall for someone she’s been in love for a long time. She thought that she would’ve gotten over her puppy love towards Takane but that wasn’t the case. Cupid’s Arrow brought them together once more and she finally thought she can be happy that it was someone she’s known for a long time. 

The rejection back in University didn’t even bother her but why was she so blind when it came to Takane? Why would she think that he’s perfect in all aspects? It’s as if nothing can taint her vision about Takane even though he himself has tried many things to ruin his reputation in her eyes and yet she still fell for him. 

She fell for all his so-called flaws, she fell for the hardworking man that he is now and she fell for the man who would do anything to make the customer smile while they’re flying with the airlines that he works in. It might’ve seemed stupid but sometimes, that’s love. Loving someone very much until the point where it hurts. 

Y/N thought that Takanee has changed but when she found out his true intentions of sleeping with her she couldn’t back down without a challenge. Although it was hard for him to fall for her, after all, she’s been chasing him for a long time. And when that time came Takane happily took the loss between their challenge. He was happy with her but there was this strange feeling building up inside him. He wanted to be with her and didn’t want to hurt her but yet, he’s letting her go. 

That may be one of his biggest mistakes, she was the light in his dark world. She was the only one who truly understood him and yet he pushed her away. Work was back to normal, but that’s sugarcoating it. People thought that he was pissed all the time and would often glare at his coworkers without his intentions. 

Y/N on the other hand still decided to go to New York, breaking up with Takane was just another stepping stone and it could be a sign that the two weren’t meant to be. She went to New York with a couple of her coworkers and they were excited to explore the city that never sleeps. “Man New York sure is incredible.” 

They went sightseeing and tried many restaurants. The food there was amazing, they couldn’t get enough of going to different restaurants for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It was definitely expensive but it was worth their stay. 

However their short vacation in New York has come to an end, it was time for them to go home and clearly they weren’t ready for it. They weren’t ready to say goodbye to the beautiful city but work is work. They’ve kept in touch with some of their coworkers and they mentioned that they’d go out once they got back. It might seem a lot but their arrival back home isn’t that late, they’ll have plenty of time to catch up. 

The flight back home will be a long one for sure but it was definitely worth it. Y/N couldn’t wait to be back home and see the pretty lights that’ll welcome her above the sky. Y/N and her coworkers were still jetlagged and therefore they decided to just sleep on the plane and at least have on of their meals because they knew they were going to eat with some coworkers the moment that they arrive home. 

One of Y/N coworkers did a video call through messenger, they needed to pay for wifi in case there was an emergency that they need to be aware of what was going on at the office at any given time. “Hey Y/N! Are you guys about to land? We’re already at the airport!” Y/N’s coworker announced. “Yeah! We’re going to land soon.” She replied. 

However, during their conversation, there was suddenly a huge turbulence that hit them. The captain ordered everyone to buckle up, it was a no brainer that one of the engines stopped working which was odd. It was perfectly fine until now. There was a sudden drop in altitude and the oxygen mask fell down, Y/N knew that she was supposed to help herself first but there was a minor traveling by themselves and she knew how scared they must be. It’s as if her life didn’t matter at this point and she wanted to save the boy instead before her own. 

Her coworkers started to panic and tried to get Y/N’s attention through the device but she wasn’t able to hear their cries. They also witness how she put the mask on the boy first before her own and they knew they were going to lecture her about it later. Someone happened to be in the area and heard the women screaming Y/N’s name and the figure was curious. “Excuse me is everything okay?” Takane asked. He glanced at the device that they were holding and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, Y/N was in an airplane and there was a terrible incident happening. “Sorry guys but I’m going to have to cut you off, I’ll see you guys later... I hope.” She whispered the last two words and ended the call. 

Takane started to panic inside but didn’t let the women in front of him show. He tried to get information from then and hopefully help them land safely. He went to the quarters and asked his peers what the status was with the flight that’s supposed to land soon. The crew members were shocked that he knew about the situation, they didn’t tell anyone about it. He asked who was the captain and who was the co-pilot. It was the flight that he refused to take back then when they asked him, now he regretted it. He suddenly blurted out that the love of his life is on that plane. If only he was the one co-piloting this wouldn’t have happened. 

Luckily there were no major injuries some people had a minor scratch but that’s about it. When the passengers came out, Y/N and her other coworkers we pulled into an embrace by their other coworkers. “We’re glad you guys are okay! You don’t know how worried we were.” Some of them cried. “We were scared too, we weren’t sure if we were going to survive.” 

They cried until they’ve calmed down. “Don’t think you’re going to get away with what you did in the plane Y/N. Why’d you save that little boy first over your own life?” There goes the lecture Y/N thought to her self. “Aw come on guys, he was just a little boy. He had a bright future ahead of him.”

“And you think yours don’t? You think your life doesn’t have any value?!?” Another figure approached them and by the tone of their voice, they were angry. The women's eyes widened, it was the same man who asked them what was going on with the plane. He was ready to burst out all his anger on Y/N. “Excuse me Sir but that’s none of your business. If this is how I want to run my life then so be it.” She snapped back at Takane. 

“Y/N you are insane! I know you’re not dumb but there was a video on what you should do in case there was an emergency on the flight. It was clear in the video that no matter how old or young you are you must look after yourself. I don’t think I’ll be able to take if I lost you on that flight. I should’ve been the one co-piloting that plane. If I was the co-pilot I’m sure I’m not going to let something like this happen on the flight that the person I love is on.” This shocked Y/N, never in a million years would she hear Takane say those words to her. 

Takane was about to say something when a little boy ran and called out for Y/N. “Miss! Look, Mom, this is the pretty lady I was talking about. She kept me safe during the flight she held me close to her and she never left my sight.” The little boy’s mother bowed her head. “Thank you very much miss for protecting my child. I’m sure he was scared and I wasn’t there to protect him but I’m pleased that they had someone like you on that flight.” Y/N smiled at the mom. She told her that there was nothing she should thank her for, she was just doing something to protect a life that is still blooming. “When I’m old enough I’m going to find you and marry you.” This only made Y/N chuckle but Takane wasn’t having it. “Hmm... I don’t know if that’s possible but maybe someday you’ll be able to introduce me to your love one.” Y/N ruffled his hair.  

“Excuse me little man but this lady is mine.” Takane pulled Y/N by her waist. It was a smooth and swift movement. “Hmph.. well you better treat her right Mister or someone else will take her away from you.” The two excused themselves and said their goodbyes. Y/N pushed Takane and glared at him. 

“Y/N I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to after last time and let me tell you, I regretted that day. I shouldn’t have let you walk away that night, I should’ve gone after you but I was scared. It’s my first time experiencing love and I didn’t want to mess it up and gamble everything, but I’ve learned that in this game called love, I have to gamble. And now I’m asking you if we could start all over, I want you here by my side and we’ll go through this together. I love you Y/N. I’ve realized that I need you in my life Y/N, you’re the only one that truly understands me.”

Y/N was left speechless, she didn’t know how to respond to him. Is this real? This is really happening? Her heart says, yes but her mind says no. She didn't know what to do, she bit her lip down and slightly nodded. Some say it was a default action and her body just went with the flow. Takane embraced her tightly. “You’re so unfair Takane, but this is your last chance you know.” She mumbled. 

“I know, and I’m not going to waste this opportunity that you gave me.” He kissed the crown of her head and they could hear the crowd cheering for them. The two of them blushed due to the embarrassing moment. “Just to let you know, you’re the first and last one I’ll ever confess publicly like this.” 

“I hope so cause this is quite embarrassing if I do say so myself.”  The two chuckled and smiled at each other. Finally, she’s with her destiny.

[doctorgerth]

Heyyy !! Can I request relationship hc for Hawkins, Killer, Kid and Bonney please ?

You sure can! I went ahead and did 20 hcs for these peeps too. I have already done Killer here (i LOVE that we’re seeing more of him in requests) so I have Hawkins, Kid, and Bonney for you!Please forgive me for the utter trash that is Bonney’s part, I just couldn’t think too much for her! Hopefully we’ll learn lots more about her soon so I can do her justice lol 

I hope you enjoy regardless, anon! Thanks for your request! x 

Relationship HCs: Hawkins, Kid, Bonney 

Hawkins

(i really find it interesting to write for him, I hope i portray him ok)

- it takes a lot of self sacrifice for him to commit to a person romantically as he is a bit selfish and more driven by his own personal endeavors

- he’s not too familiar with the selflessness and commitment that is required in romantic relationships as he hasn’t had much experience in that area

- but it goes a bit deeper than that, he’s actually terrified of giving his all to another person as there’s just so many things that could go wrong

- so he prefers to keep himself distant, save himself from pain; Hawkins doesn’t like to make himself vulnerable to others so he sure won’t set himself up for that kind of failure if he can avoid it  

- when he enters a relationship, he is initially very hesitant; he definitely prefers to learn about his potential s/o before he ever tries to bring romance into the picture, he’s not one to just dive headfirst into unfamiliar territory

- Hawkins is a bit awkward as this type of relationship is very new to him, so he asks that his partner be very patient with him because he is genuinely trying

- he wouldn’t enter a relationship just to waste each other’s time, so when he pursues someone there’s meaning to it, he sees potential in that relationship (or his cards are literally telling him to trust them)

- due to his awkwardness he has a bad habit of blushing when his partner does/says something endearing

- he honestly hates this about himself, as it breaks his stoic nature, so he tries desperately to hide his flushed face from everyone and he’ll just kind of awkwardly walk away to avoid any teasing comments

- reserved when it comes to affections; on the outside it might seem like he and his s/o are simply comrades as he doesn’t really like to display his affectionate side in public nor does he publicly acknowledge them as his s/o (this is to protect them of course)

- he’s not a very touchy man even behind closed doors and he doesn’t want a very touchy/clingy partner either; he cherishes his independence and alone time, so he expects his partner to respect that and take time to enjoy themselves as well

- it’s not like he’s completely opposed to affection, he just thinks there is a certain time and place for these actions and he prefers to limit them, since superfluous affection loses meaning in his mind

- he believes romantic/affectionate moments between him and his lover are not meant for a show, they are private moments that he wishes to share and treasure with them alone

- some of his favorite ways of displaying affection are squeezing his partner’s hand in his or leaning his forehead against theirs, it really calms his anxiety

- it takes a lot to crack those lips of his into a smile, but he’s not opposed to a partner who can make his lips turn upward every now and then; only his s/o gets his kind, genuine smile; but they must remember that he hates jokes, so trying to crack a joke to make him smile will pretty much never work 

- easy ways to get him to smile are genuine compliments, thank you’s, or simple words of adoration, nothing too excessive or cheesy 

- doesn’t realize just how protective he is until something happens to them the first time; it could be something as simple as them tripping over their own feet that triggers this protective streak that courses through him and he realizes he was created to protect them with his life

- so after that he tends to keep a close eye on them, ready to jump at their aide when needed, regardless if they can protect themselves or not

- despite his enigmatic nature, he’s actually great about discussing feelings; he hates confrontation/useless arguing, so he prefers to communicate rather than fight when they are at a disagreement; he’s a very understanding guy, and is really great at compromising

- Hawkins is very mature and desires an equally mature partner; he’s a bit reclusive at the beginning of a new relationship, but give him time and he becomes a truly compassionate s/o!

Kid

(my asshole husband)

- he is honestly shit at pursuing someone tbh; he’s a major flirt but at the same time in complete denial when actually facing his feelings for someone

- Kid doesn’t just fall in love, what kind of spell are they putting him under?; he straight up avoids his crush for as long as possible, praying that the feelings will just go away on their own

- and when they don’t he is pissed; he doesn’t have the time to be pursuing someone right now! how dare they make him feel this way about them?

- the whole “becoming official” thing is literally just him professing his feelings through rather rough displays of affection; he’ll randomly go up to them, grab them by the face, and just plant a deep kiss on their lips, looking to confirm whether they want to be his or not

- if they return his kiss, then he just sorta expects them to know that they are his now; he’s not good with words when it comes to emotional feelings, much preferring to show what he’s feeling as that’s all he’s ever known, and this doesn’t change in the least bit during the course of the relationship

- he needs a partner that is okay with him randomly approaching them, sometimes during inappropriate times, and just hugging them tightly or pressing a hard kiss on their lips, which sometimes lead to a rather steamy make out session in front of, well, everybody

- Kid could care less about how improper PDA is, he loves his s/o and he’s a very touchy guy, so he’s gonna express his affection anywhere and everywhere when he’s in the mood; he’s a fucking pirate captain, so he challenges anyone to say a thing about it to his face

- and honestly, if his s/o gets super flustered about PDA, that only drives him to do it more; he loves to get reactions out of people, his s/o specifically being his main target

-  so which goes without saying that Kid is a bit relentless in teasing his partner, whether it’s snide comments, sneaky little groping, or pranks, Kid just loves to keep his partner on their toes, and life with him is truly never ever boring

- he’s an insanely competitive guy that turns literally anything into a competition with his s/o, whether it be who can finish dinner the quickest, who can chug more beers before throwing up, or silly things like who can profess their love the loudest, he’s gonna go big and prove his superiority at all costs

- definitely the type to never go easy/let his partner win anything, Kid always has to be the winner and will constantly brag about it lol

- now life with Kid isn’t always fun and games, it takes a very special someone to put up with his antics; he’s a bit selfish at times, definitely a dickhead, and his temper tantrums are always a bit unpredictable, so his s/o needs to be aware and prepared

- once Kid gets truly angry, it’s damn near impossible to talk sense into him, therefore, I feel he needs someone patient and understanding; he needs someone who lets him fume during alone time, but also remains close by so as to keep him from doing anything reckless

-  arguing with Kid can be a bit tiring as he’s very vocal about his feelings, even if they don’t make sense sometimes, and he tends to yell a lot; he’s a bit childish during arguments, but it’s only because he lets his anger get the best of him

- once he calms down, he can offer a sincere apology and mature communication; he’s a bit hesitant to apologize as that goes against his pride, but with an s/o he truly loves, I feel as if he’s more inclined to admit when he’s wrong

- although a rough man, Kid really treasures gentle touches; soft hands rubbing away pain or anger or sadness from his body really help soothe him; he’s a sucker for gentle lovers, but also intrigued by people who aren’t scared to put him in his place when he’s being ridiculous

- besides physical affection, another way Kid likes to demonstrate his adoration is through gifts; he likes to make little trinkets or jewelry for his s/o, but he’s pretty shy about it, so they have to be quick in complimenting the gift

- if there’s any hint of hesitation, he’ll angrily throw it overboard and run back into his shop to make something better for them

- 100% protective and 100000% the jealous type; if you so much as look at his s/o the wrong way, you’re already dead before you can look away

- Kid goes all out in everything he does, and that makes relationships no exception; whether it’s fighting, sex, gift-making, teasing, cuddle time, or whatever, he truly puts his all into the relationship and feels no shame about it; when he loves someone, he truly loves them; they’re his forever and no one can change that

Bonney

(i luv this gif of her she’s so cute uwu)

- I feel as if Bonney can be a bit tsundere once she realizes she has romantic feelings for someone; she’ll be a bit harsh to them for making her feel so silly

- she’s a pirate, tough as nails, cunning as a fox, bends for no one…how could a simple person make her feel so vulnerable and desperate for their attention?

- like Kid, she will avoid them at all costs, disgusted by the butterflies they produce in her tummy, so she’ll overeat even more to stuff those butterflies down

- this doesn’t work however, as anytime she sees her crush she just melts, suddenly feeling a bit ill as her stomach can’t hold the food she eats anymore

- when she realizes she needs to confess, this is the brief time that she stops eating *as much* just because her nerves are all over the place

- the confession part is hella awkward, and she’s a bit brutish about it, simply blurting out her feelings and demanding their answer on the spot

- if they take too long she’ll get frustrated (note: scared) and will desperately try to run away after, determined to forget anything ever happened

- if they admit to liking her back however, she’s completely elated but even more nervous?? like what the hell do they do now?

- for a while, she’ll let her s/o take control of the relationship, guide her through the dates and other romantic gestures as she really has no clue?

- restaurant dates are always a go to, though they never go quite as planned because restaurants are never really prepared for Bonney’s appetite; plus they usually get kicked out cause of her table manners

- Bonney has pretty bad manners, so her s/o has to tolerate that, she doesn’t plan on changing for anybody so a partner who berates her for her attitude is instantly a turn off

- it’s honestly quite demanding for her partner if they can cook anything; the moment they cook something delicious for Bonney, she’s going to fall deeper for them yes, but she’s also gonna practically beg them to cook that thing for her like all the time now lol

- other than restaurant dates, she doesn’t really require fancy dates or gestures from her partner

- she’s a really simple girl and doesn’t typically enjoy being treated as if she were a princess or someone deserving to be spoiled; treat her like an equal and that’s all she could ever ask for

- she loathes people who act like she needs them to take care of her or try to treat her gently just because she is a woman; she can easily take care of herself, so she needs a partner who can see that and respects it

- if her s/o has an appetite like hers it’s both a blessing and a curse; a blessing because she finds it hella attractive for someone to love food as much as she does but also a curse because they are definitely going to fight over that last slice of pizza…

- PDA isn’t really her thing, so don’t expect her to be very touchy with her lover, she saves that for private time

- Bonney doesn’t like anyone too serious, but they need to have common sense; someone reckless will constantly stress her out, so she doesn’t really go for the wild type

- but she still loves to have fun with her s/o! she just doesn’t want to continuously worry about their safety

- going out on adventures together or kicking some ass together, she likes someone who keeps her life interesting, a partner who sticks by her side enjoying the same things in life that she does

[ariainstars]

Hungry Hearts - a Study in Codependency

Hungry Hearts is a film that confused me on first view. I watched it a few days ago, mostly because I am a fan of the Star Wars sequel saga but had never seen the protagonist, Adam Driver, in another role.

The funny thing is that on awakening the day after watching the film, I came to a conclusion quite different from most comments I had read online.

Watching “Hungry Hearts” was difficult for me because it contained a lot of triggers on a personal basis; but more about that below.

The story is essentially a thriller, about a man despairing when he has to find out that his wife has a distorted personality which threatens the life of their son.

The film concentrates very much on Mina, the female protagonist: she is the first person we see and she dominates most scenes, so she is who seems to be at the center of the story. But the conclusion I came to was that this is not Mina’s story, but Jude’s.

Jude’s characterization is that of a somewhat awkward and insecure person to say the least. He meets Mina in the bathroom of a restaurant where they both accidentally get stuck due to a jammed door; Jude suffers from diarrhea right then and this is the very first experience they share.

Honestly, who hooks up after an experience like that? I suppose anybody would be terribly embarrassed, not turned on. But in the very next scene we already see Jude and Mina in bed, asleep after a sexual encounter and gracelessly apart from one another.

Mina, who comes from Italy, then learns that her job requires her to travel back home. Jude, unwilling to let her go, seduces her and comes inside of her although she begs him not to. When Mina learns that she is pregnant, he proposes to her.

At the marriage party Jude sings an Italian love song for Mina, which is endearing to everybody but the bride, who looks embarrassed. Despite the fact that Jude learned the Italian text of the song for her (he had previously confessed that he does not speak the language), this scene foreshadows that Jude knows next to nothing about Mina: the song he sings is in Neapolitan, while her Italian accent indicates that her origins are elsewhere. (Alba Rohrwachter, the actress, is from Florence.)

During the marriage party Mina also gets to know Jude’s mother, whom, as she tells Mina, he purposely avoids, which is odd since she seems a nice enough person.

Mina, we learn as the story goes on, is not only a vegan but has very distinct ideas about physical and spiritual health. A psychic tells her that she is carrying an “indigo child”, i.e. a child that will have extraordinary paranormal capacities. The young woman is adamant to give birth at home, and when she does not manage, she has to be brought to the hospital where the child is born through Cesarean section.

In the following months, Mina obsesses about her seemingly “special” child. She hardly leaves the house, ignores the many calls from friends and acquaintances, stuffs every angle of the house with cloth and cushions, and feeds the baby (whose name, ironically, we never learn) with special food made from vegetables she grows herself, additionally to a special “cleansing oil” which is supposed to be particularly nourishing.

Jude grows increasingly frustrated and worried, and at the first occasion when Mina is not in the house, he takes his son to a pediatrist who confirms him that the child is not growing properly. Jude starts to feed the baby with a more nourishing diet. As Mina finds out about this, the conflicts between him and his wife intensify; Mina accuses her husband of not “trusting her”, while she is adamant that being the mother, she knows best what is good for the baby. Jude then starts to feed the baby secretly.

After a while, Jude’s mother Anne learns about the situation. We learn she was not present during pregnancy and birth, that she saw her grandchild only when he is already a few months old, and that her son does not want her to enter his house. He says to her that things are normal, that Mina is just going through a “phase” and that he and he alone will take care of his family. But as things deteriorate, he has to spirit the baby away to Anne to save him from Mina. His wife, distrusting both husband and mother-in-law, gets the child back by force and takes legal action to get the child’s father off her back.

The story ends in tragedy: Jude learns that Mina is dead. His mother shot her in her sleep, convinced that it was the only possibility to save her grandson. Jude is left alone and traumatized, but at least he has his son back in his care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As odd as the story may seem, I am by now convinced that it’s not about crazy alternative health methods, bad motherhood or an unhappy marriage, but the story of a man with strong codependency issues.

The critical look in the mirror already suggests that Jude is not exactly happy with himself. He looks somewhat odd, and he is a timid, oversensitive man. He hooks up with a young woman he hardly knows only because a ridiculous circumstance forced him to share a conversation with her. When he learns she has to leave him, it does not occur to him to simply propose to her: he impregnates her first to raise the stakes that she will say yes.

The sad thing is that we see repeatedly that Jude is, at heart, an affectionate and caring person. He wishes for someone he can love and take care of; he denies Mina’s mental condition as long as he can, until the danger for their son becomes too obvious.

As he brings his child to the doctor, he carries it on his chest the way a woman would, visibly taking over the role Mina is unable to cope with; the child obviously brings out his caring and nurturing side, while Mina makes her motherhood all about herself.

It is difficult to say what Mina’s problem is; her mother is dead and she has no connection to her father. At their wedding, she is practically alone among Jude’s friends. The thought that her child is or will be something special becomes obsessive with her. And Jude is not strong enough to accept how weird and even insane the whole situation has become; he believes they will manage together and does not realize that he and Mina have nothing in common but their baby.

That his mother Anne in the end simply kills of his wife seems absurd, but I believe it to be the key scene: Jude’s own mother is, in my eyes, a disturbed person. Jude obviously does not know about personality disorders, but he must have had a reason for not wanting to include his own mother into their lives.

To me, Jude is obviously a codependent person; insecure, naïve, but essentially harmless. He wants nothing but a normal, healthy life with a family of his own, but his history with his mother made him choose (as is often the case) a partner with similar issues.  Mina is not a drunkard or junkie, but codependency mostly bonds the dependent person to someone like that; it is possible that Anne is an ex alcoholic, which would explain her son’s rejection of her. Mina does not eat meat, which may have made him suppose that she avoids all kinds of toxic substances; but an avoiding attitude, too, can border on insanity if the person pursues this course at all costs.

Hungry Hearts was triggering for me because I know what it means to grow up and be forced to live with a person with a personality disorder and developing copedendency: the denial, the lack of self-esteem, the strong attachment to someone even after only a short personal contact, the pretense that “everything is normal, this is just a phase”, the hope that the other will “recover”, the desperate desire for normalcy are things I know all too well. Personality disorder is a subject by far too little known publicly, disturbing and hard to diagnose.

Social assumptions go like this: a mother loves her child and knows what’s best for it. A man is inclined to violence and never “gets” his own children. Love will see it through.

Hungry Hearts takes these prejudices and turns them upside down: we see a mother who almost lets her child starve, a father desperate for its safety and yet willing to be patient and let her have her own way as far as possible; and as for love, how much can these two have loved one another when they hardly were acquainted? Jude wanted a family of his own, perhaps he was scared (or had enough) of being alone, so he grasped his first opportunity. He might have learned to love his wife truly during marriage, but with a disturbed person, he hardly had a chance. Jude remains torn between wife and child until his own mother, ironically, relieves him from his torment, but replacing it with another: he is now a young widower whose mother is convicted for murder.

This is my own interpretation and of course it’s hugely personal due to my own story. Most people do not know about personality disorders, and they may grow up with or know such people for years, maybe decades, never understanding what is going on, putting up with “compromises”, making excuses for them and bearing their abusive behavior with patience, only making things get worse and worse. Indulgence and forbearance from others are the last things disturbed persons need, having no understanding of their own self and no healthy social skills, basically living only in their own heads. I never found whether there is a possibility to cure them, but from own experience I can only say that trusting them even to the least degree leads nowhere except to further abuse by them.

Jude is right when he says to his mother that he and his child are all Mina has, but still that does not justify her toxic behavior. Anne, too, plays with fire: she knows she has her highly disturbed, vegan-living, nourishment-obsessed daughter-in-law in the house, and she cooks meat right before her eyes; she calls Mina insane only a few days before killing the young woman. We learn then that Anne is aware that she was not a good mother to her son and that freeing him of his mind-sick wife is, for her, a desperate measure trying to make amends, additionally to the only way she saw to save her grandson. She hints that she had hoped her son had “forgiven her”, which could further emphasize her awareness of her failure as a mother - as I already assumed, perhaps due to an addiction.

A personality disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis which is much more serious and dangerous than PSTD, a personal crisis, a bout of depression or something similar; it roots deep in the person’s psyche and poisons their own life as well as that of the people around them. An incisive experience like married life and or motherhood can trigger this personal weakness additionally, because the disturbed person is additionally stressed and, having the personal maturity of a child, is subconsciously aware of not being capable to handle the situation. Disturbed persons can seem normal and even quite nice in everyday life, but the more stressful and extreme a situation, the more their weakness and detachment from reality become evident. Childishly determined not only to make the best of their lives but to live them to some extreme, in a way that is wholly their own, they are the least likely to accept that something is wrong with them. Hence my interpretation of Mina’s, and also Anne’s, idea of what they believed was “the best” for the child.

On first view, Jude seems the bad guy, the perpetrator: he seduces Mina, practically pushes her into becoming his wife, lets his child be brought into the world through section against her will, yells at her and beats her once during a quarrel; in the end he separates mother from child, which from the point of view of any devoted mother would seem like the cruelest thing anyone could do. But he does so in bright daylight, on his own, and he speaks to his wife telling her that it is only a temporary arrangement. Mina takes the boy away from his father with the aid of the police, in the middle of the night and never wasting a thought or a look for him: the officer shows him an official statement claiming he hit her and is thus unfitting to be a father. The physical evidence of the child’s small, starving body is obviously never officially checked: being the man, Jude is automatically seen as the bad guy and he has no chance to put up a fight.

But this is, essentially, the crux of the matter: a codependent person is not to be afraid of. Codependents are weak, insecure, and often come over as needy, but they are not treacherous or irresponsible. They sometimes seem angry without reason but the truth is that they are patient (or better: they were groomed by their abusers to bear their extreme behavior in patience) and people from the outside usually get to see their outbursts only when the last drop falls. Hardly anybody is aware of what went on before, because codependents are so used to denying the abuse and hiding it away. Jude is essentially a passive person, reacting instead of acting, surviving instead of living. His illusions of being a normal husband and father shatter before his eyes one by one.

One of the scenes I found most disturbing was Jude’s desperate attempt to get help from a social worker, who could only offer him that a mother must be exposed publicly to gain proof for her behavior, so that the child can be separated from her; but Jude knew well that he had little time and that his son’s life was at stake. The helplessness of an official social worker in such a situation is frightening, based on the social conviction that a mother should not be separated from her child unless in a very critical case, and even then, only with ample given proof. Again, the underlying assumption is that a mother “loves” her child and that a father pretending that she is harming it cannot be trusted. The social worker then suggests to Jude to bring the baby to his grandmother for his safety, but she also warns him that technically, this course of action would be kidnap. She does not even dare to speak about it to him in his office but does so in private, running after him in the street at the end of their interview. That Jude risks being called a kidnapper and entrusts his child to his estranged mother only accentuates his despair.

Now some may see me as a cruel person who cannot enter a mother’s sentiments, but I watched the film from the point of view of the child, and I can confirm to you from my experience that a disturbed mother can be threatening health, sanity and the very life of the creature for which she is responsible. The way Mina “lives for her child” may appear heart-wrenching, but it flat-out denies anybody else’s feelings - the father’s, the grandmother’s, even the child’s. Disturbed mothers “love” their children with a clinginess that is suffocating for them, reason being that they believe that at least of their own children they will never have to be afraid, since these are their “own”. They will painstakingly watch, suppress and fear any and every sign of independence from their children’s side as they grow; they mistake their children’s dependence on them for trust and, thus, love. Mina is dependent from her husband at the beginning of their marriage; making their relationship about the child’s dependence from her is perhaps her attempt to shift the dynamics, proving that she does not know love without dependence herself.

In this case, the baby mercifully at least never experiences psychical abuse because his mother dies before he is capable to think. Jude, too, due to his short acquaintance with Mina is spared the usual brainwashing and endless cycle of guilt-trips and condescension disturbed people usually torment their victims with, often gloating at their pain.

Superficially seen, “Hungry Hearts” may seem a drama, or thriller, working with bizarre elements. But from the point of view of an ex codependent (at least I hope I will never go there again!), who has known coexistence with personality disorder first-hand, it’s shockingly accurate and deeply disturbing in its intensity and realism.

The hearts of these four people are hungry for different things: Mina and Anne strive for control, while Jude and his son hunger for the chance to love and be loved. The child becomes the symbol of this, not needing the “special” food his mother gives him but what his father gives him, food that is plain but nurturing.

It is typical for a disturbed person to believe that “real love” must be something special, particularly fine and pure and above everything else, the answer to all questions and the balm to every wound (like the “pure” oil Mina insists on feeding her baby with); but love is everyday bread, necessary for life but also simple and common. With an almost brutal realism, we are confronted with the fact that Mina will never learn this truth, and possibly neither will Anne. Only Jude, who at times seemed to be the bad guy, and his innocent son have, in the end, a chance to learn together what normal life and love are.

Year of production: 2014

Country of production: Italy

Director: Saverio Costanzo

Starring: Adam Driver (Jude)                Alba Rohrwachter (Mina)                Roberta Maxwell (Anne)

[michigantomexicali-blog]

Trusting God in Infertility

I rolled my eyes as I read the words “Wait five years.” I knew by the handwriting it was my grandfather who wrote it. Instead of writing a baby name suggestion like everyone else, he wanted to give advice on when we should have kids. It’s family and I guess that’s normal. Everyone else at our wedding suggested names like Bertha, Paco, or their own name because it is such an honor to name our children after them...

I knew that once my husband and I were married it wouldn't be long before we would get pregnant. I never took birth control and we were always open to the idea that if it happened we would be happy even if it was an accident. In our first year of marriage, we did what we had to do to avoid getting pregnant. As our first anniversary came around, we started to talk about trying to have children. Confident and happy we enjoyed every moment of it. I read every book you can read before getting pregnant and asked all my friends with kids about what kinds of prenatal vitamins they took. I even began dreaming of what the nursery would look like because I was going to be pregnant soon and I wanted to be more than prepared.  

Just like someone who gets diagnosed with a sickness, never thinking it could happen to them, I never had a thought in my mind that getting pregnant would be something difficult. With my strong faith convictions, trouble getting pregnant wasn’t even on my radar. After all, in high school, my friends would always laugh and say that my babies would just drop out of me because of my wide hips.  

It’s insane that time has gone by so fast, but here we are five years later and it seems like my grandfather's suggestion became more like a prophecy. I’ve never publicly shared anything about this issue because I always believed that when the positive pregnancy test happened, when the miracle finally came, when it became a testimony not just a test, then I would share it. But I’ve simply changed my mind. So at the end of this story, you will not find out that I am pregnant because as of now there is no bun in the oven.

Not getting pregnant is the first thing in my life that I’ve had no control over. If I've had relationship issues, I fixed it. Job problems, I found a new job. Money issues, I worked it out. However, when you encounter something you can’t control and your faith seems to be challenged more than ever... it changes you. For the first time in my life, my “authority as a believer” hasn't done the trick. No matter how positive I’ve thought, how much I’ve confessed, how hard I’ve believed, I am still not pregnant.

Faith is what my entire life is built upon. If I don't have faith, I have nothing. That is the thing, I’ve seen it work so much in my life that I know it’s real and it does have power. When I was younger, if I asked for something in faith, it happened. When I asked God for a car to go to bible school, I received it without paying a dollar. I asked for my entire tuition to be paid for and weeks later, supernaturally, it was paid off. I prayed for the job I interviewed for and you guessed it, I got it. You couldn’t convince me otherwise that faith doesn’t work.    

Yet, it seems I haven't had a period in the past three years where I don’t cry. It’s like clockwork, I feel the cramps, try to fight it, hoping that it’s just an early pregnancy sign and then bam, there it is and I'm crying on the bathroom floor. This last month was just plain deceiving. I was four days late and began to think that this could be it, but it ended up just being an evil game.

Infertility is extremely difficult because of the emotional turmoil. Hopes are high every month and then they get thrown on the floor and stomped on every twenty-eight days and it is an intense roller coaster of emotions. Plus, every girlfriend who was with you trying to get pregnant together when you first started is already on their third kid. It is the most insane emotional experience I’ve ever been through.

So, when I need guidance I look to one-of-two places, the bible, and my husband. Yes, I said husband, and thank God for husbands, real men who are there with you through it all. Their friendship and love are priceless. They deserve so much just for living with us hormone-crazy women. I find myself saying things like, “I am so angry!! Baby can you make me some dinner, please.” Like I have no idea...but for now, I’ll blame my hormones.

Anyways, many people in the Bible faced circumstances that were out of their control, including infertility. Yes, as much as I believe the spike in infertility is probably something in the water, thousands of years ago women were struggling to get pregnant, including Sarah, Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth. They each were getting older and there was no baby in sight. Each had their doubts, Sarah even laughed when God told her that he would give her a child. Yet, suddenly, God came through and made it happen.

It brings me to my favorite word, TRUST. It’s been one of my deepest convictions since I was a child. Trusting God is something that comes naturally to me. After years of building my faith, it is a part of who I am. I have renewed my mind in the Word of God. Believing that God will take care of me and that His plans are good has become easy. These women also had to learn to trust God. They trusted that He was faithful and that He was a giver of good gifts. You know, faith comes through hearing the Word over and over again, so if you’re looking to get more faith, keep reading the Word, going to church, and start now by confessing that you trust God no matter what and He is going to work out your situation.

Let’s take a moment to look at the sons God gave to these women because you’re going to find out that these barren women gave birth to some amazing men. Sarah’s son, Isaac, was the promised son from God to Abraham and became a foundational ancestor of the nation of Israel. Rachel and Jacob’s son, Joseph, got sold by his brothers into slavery and ended up becoming the second in command of all Egypt, saving the nation of Isreal during a seven-year famine. Hannah and Elkanah’s son, Samuel, was dedicated to the Lord and became a prophet to all Israel who then anointed King Saul and King David. Elizabeth and Zachariah’s son, John, was spoken about by Jesus using these words, “Among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist.” Matthew 11:11

It blows my mind that these women who had the same struggle that I find myself in today, had crazy world-changing, history-altering, God-given babies. We don’t know the details of their stories, but we do know that they had a desire to be moms and God fulfilled it with a bonus of having children who changed the world. I’m sure those women all shed many tears, felt discouraged, alone, and felt like life was simply unfair. I know that is how I’ve felt many times, but we have to remember that weeping only happens for a moment and joy comes in the morning.

Many women I know today who struggled through infertility are either pregnant as I write this or have already become mamas. My sister-in-law Elizabeth is now pregnant after eight years! Praise God! God cares and His sovereignty and grace are real. I don’t know when I’ll have my miracle, but I do have a testimony even if my miracle hasn’t happened yet, and it is this; that I am still here, still trusting, not turning my back on His word, and like a child, I will still believe for what I am asking for.

It is time to hold on and believe that God hears us and will answer our prayers.

-Morgan Gutierrez   

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?    How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,  and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

 But I trust in your unfailing love;    my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing the Lord’s praise,    for he has been good to me.

Psalms 13 New International Version 

[dalet-us]

I am not Worthy

My dear friend,

    You (and many others that are reading this post) understand how that I am afflicted with a debilitating gastrointestinal disorder.  There have been a few times over the course of this last year where I was completely convinced that was only days away from a full deliverance from my affliction.  Alas, in each case, I was not able to get past the threshold. Therefore, even as I write this, I am still suffering from my disorder.  Perhaps you assumed that I must have found a cure to my problem, since I am now publicly telling world that God has called me out to circumnavigate the Earth.  Yet, this is not so.  God truly has called me out to do the impossible.

    When I first accepted Jesus as my savior, I was still young and full of spit. Moreover, I did not know much about the Word of God.  I certainly did not understand what it was to live by the law of faith.  To the casual observer, I was every bit as heathen as any other twenty-year-old living a life of sin, apart from God.  I have always been a hard worker, but apart from that, the only other thing I knew, in life, was how to party … and party I did! Therefore, in my folly God blessed me with this gastrointestinal disorder.  I say that with all reverence; because, it was a genuine blessing.  Had it not been for my affliction, I would have continued partying my life away into oblivion.

    Over the course of the next twenty years, God used that affliction to cure me of an exceedingly more sinful and vile disease.  In His infinite mercy, He reversed the behaviors of a hellbent sinner and blessed me with a heart of tender care and compassion.  Thus, it is only fitting that the man that I once was, in years past, is now the man that I am accused of being, even still.  As my favorite Bible teacher Dr. McGee is known to say, “Chickens come home to roost.”  It is a reproach that I bear willingly, for by the mercy of God I still live.  It is better that I live in reproach and in the pain of affliction, than to not live.

“4For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for a living dog is better than a dead lion. 5For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten. 6Also their love, and their hatred, and their envy, is now perished …” – Ecclesiastes 9:4-6 KJV

     You may be wondering, “Dale, if God used your affliction to cure you of your seditious affinities, then why do you still have your affliction several years after the fact?”  The answer is that He has been using my affliction to help me grow in many different ways.  Lastly, he has reserved it for this very day.  In essence, it has all been to help me prepare and to bring about the preparation for the present cause.  All the reasons are too numerous to list.  The only reason we need to be concerned about is the present: confirmation.

      The point is that I am not worthy.  God took an arrogant young man that was rebellious, disrespectful, injurious, lustful, covetous, stubborn, mischievous, boastful, unstable, deceitful, reckless, irresponsible, and a heartbreaker … loveless! … God took such a man, and He gave Him a new heart … a heart full of compassion and love.  Yet for all of that, I am still a sinner!  I am lowly and vile in the sight of the world, and as I just admitted, I am diseased.  I have absolutely no power in myself, whatsoever!  I find that if I take my eyes off of Jesus for one brief moment, my old sinful nature will immediately begin to devise some kind of evil and ungodly device.  It seems like it only takes about five seconds for my mind to descend all the way to pit of hell when I let myself step away from God.

     I do not understand why, but for some reason there is a broad belief that when a person becomes a Christian that they are no longer supposed to be a sinner.  In fact, there are no shortage of Christians (or people that think they are Christians) that actually believe that they are no longer subjected to man’s natural inclination to sin.  This simply is not so, neither does the Bible teach such a doctrine.  Until Jesus Christ comes to take His church out of the world, even Spirit-filled Christians are subject to sin.  Yet, by the power of the Holy Spirit of God living within those of us that believe in Jesus, we are no longer in bondage to sin.  We do fall to sin more than we would like to admit, but we do not dwell in sin.

“Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.” – 1st John 3:2 KJV

“I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.” – Romans 7:25 KJV

    You see then that I am, in nowise, an able or worthy candidate to serve God in this capacity.  I am not physically capable to set out on a conquest more than 10 miles from my own house, let alone to the ends of the Earth.  More importantly, I am a man of uncircumcised lips, neither am I pure of heart.  All praise be to God that it is just such a shepherd boy that God has used in times past to lead His sheep through the most difficult and important chapters of His plan and purpose.

“10And Moses said unto the LORD, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue. 11And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD? 12Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say.” – Exodus 4:10-12 KJV

“Now therefore so shalt thou say unto my servant David, Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I took thee from the sheepcote, from following the sheep, to be ruler over my people, over Israel” – 2ndSamuel 7:8 KJV

    David tells us in Psalm 51:5, “Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.”  Even so, God washed David of his sin and He mightily used David to rule His chosen people in righteousness.

** A young shepherd with his flock – Luigi Chialiva (1842-1914)

    For months I kept thinking that God needed to heal me of this affliction before I could be used by Him for most any purpose, and especially for circumnavigating the Earth.  What I did not realize is that God would not have received the glory for my deliverance. Hence, the reason why I still have this affliction is three-fold: The first is so that He can be glorified in my rescue. Secondly, it stops the mouths of unbelievers.  There is no shortage of self-professing Christians that do not believe that I will ever be free of this disease. Finally, it serves as confirmation.

    There are numerous Spirit-filled Christians that are reading these posts and they are thinking that I am out in left field.  They know that I am a true Christian, by my confession.  However, they think that I have been deceiving myself or that I have been listening to ungodly spirits.  Who in their right mind would think that they have been called by God to embark on such an insanely suicidal errand?

    This then is the test.  If God does not deliver me from this affliction, then He is not the one that put it into my mind and heart to take on this errand, and I am utterly lost in confusion and self-deception.  However, if God does deliver me, then He is glorified!  Jesus is glorified!  The scoffers’ mouths are stopped, and God is showing His confirmation that He really does have a plan for me to circumnavigate the Earth!  Most of all, He shows us His great love!  He illustrates His love for me, and He is showing to the whole world that He loves you!

Love Always,

Dale 😊

Read this post on my own personal blog Website dalet.us

©2021 Dale Trussell

[3ternalove-blog1]

Chapter 12

I came back to Qing Qiu with a light heart as I have done what I promised to Shao Xing. I’m also glad that amiss all the chaos, I found out where Feng Jiu has been all these while.

I found Mi Qu wondering about at the entrance by the lake.

“Aunt, you came back” - he came and greeted me.

“Mi Qu, without me sending you on errands these days, you’ve been living quite freely” - I said to him.

Mi Qu looked dreamily. “Aunt, didn’t you came back yesterday and took care of something big?” - he asked me. “Why are you saying like you just came back?”

“I was still in the mortal world yesterday. When did I came back?”

He looked confused. “That’s not right. You came back.. I.. I think you told me to stay at the Fox Den and not to go anywhere else..”

Why is this guy acting weirdly? Mi Qu is not like this at all.

“Who put an enchanting spell on you?”. I became furious. Who in the world came to disturb my place.

“Enchanting spell? There is no enchanting spell”

Using my powers, I broke the spell. Mi Qu came back to his self.

“What happened?”

“Aunt, you’re finally back! Something horrible happened! Xuan Nu took on your appearance and took away Mo Yuan’s body and Little Prince!”

That Xuan Nu.. dare to come Qing Qiu and mess with my family?!

I went to the lake to retrieve my Kulun Fan. With that, I left to the Ghost Realm to get back my Shifu and my son.

********************

Ghost Realm seems quiet and empty upon my arrival. It seems that Xuan Nu is expecting my arrival.

No one could stop me or my Kulun Fan when I’m angry. That’s how I slayed all her guards and anyone else on my sight.

I reached her residence with another bunch of silly guards, knowing that they can’t beat me but had to protect their Queen.

“Qian Qian, I trust you’ve been well since we last met 70,000 years ago” - she said, looking high and mighty. “I heard His Majesty say that Si Yin is a woman from the fox tribe so I guessed it was you” - she smirked.

I smirked back at her.

“When I first saw Si Yin at Kulun Mountain, I was stunned that someone else in this world resembles Qian Qian more then I do”

I closed my fan. “You say you resemble me? Did you forgot what you used to look like?”

Xuan Nu was taken aback.

“It just so happens that High God Zhe Yan has a lot of free time lately. Why don’t we invite him over to help you remember?”

“No matter what you say, I will take your life today. Then no one would look the same as me” - she said proudly.

I smirked at her again.

“Yesterday, I took Mo Yuan’s body and your son. I knew you would come and find me so I’ve been waiting here for you the whole time”

I was burning in anger.

Still instigating me, she continued. “You’ve been preserving Mo Yuan’s body quite well. I’m really happy about it. My son will get Mo Yuan’s vitality. Because of your contributions, I’ll have them kill you quickly”

“That depends on whether you have the ability to do so”. Don’t look down on me so much Xuan Nu.

I got rid half of her guards in no time. Xuan Nu, who took advantage of my eyes, lighted up the hall so I had trouble seeing. In between all the chaos, she managed to changed her appearance to my look. I was injured but I put up a brave front.

“You are just deceiving yourself” - I said to her.

“Today, I’ll kill you. Then I’ll be the only one in the world with this face”

“Let me tell you something, Xuan Nu. As a high goddess, even if I close my eyes I’ll still be able to wipe out these useless people by your side” - I threaten her.

“Kill her for me” - she ordered her men.

Hoping that this will end soon, I started killing again. My body feels so tired from the injuries that my anger rose.

As I killed her last soldiers, she summoned Shifu and A-Li’s body. I retreat the sword that was heading towards her and my magic rebounded. Ye Hua arrived just in time hold on to me before I fell. He also safely moved Shifu and A-Li away.

Xuan Nu was fuming.

“Qian Qian” - he sounded really worried.

I was still shielding my eyes from the brightness. “If you would come a little earlier, I wouldn’t be injured like this” - I said, leaning on him.

“I’m sorry for coming late” - he said and made the bright lights disappear.

“Tell me who injured you”

“I’ve already killed everyone who injured me. That woman is the only one left” - I said to him, looking at Xuan Nu who is cowering like a rat.

Ye Hua looked at her. He did not say anything even tho she’s still having my appearance.

“Do you want to take care of it yourself or you want me to help you?”

“She humiliated my master and hurt my loved ones. I will finished her myself” - I said, sending my fan to finish her off.

This time, Li Jing appeared in time to save her and rebuked my fan. Ye Hua caught it.

It was like a couple reunion with a huge joke.

“A-Yin” - Li Jing said to Xuan Nu, thinking that she’s me.

“Your Majesty. Your Majesty, I’m Xuan Nu” - she confessed to him.

“Why do you look exactly like A-Yin?” - he asked.

Ye Hua and me stood there like an outsider that bumped into a troubled couple.

“Exactly the same right?” - she asked Li Jing. “Your majesty, if we were to kill Bai Qian, then I’ll be the only one in this world with this face”

Creep. Su Jin wanted my eyes.. and now Xuan Nu wants my face. Can someone actually give me a break?!

Ye Hua looked at them angrily. He looks like he’s about to burst.

Li Jing keeps looking back and forth between me and Xuan Nu like he still can’t believe what’s going on.

“You.. What’s going on?”. I wonder if he’s asking her or asking me.

Since Xuan Nu did not say anything, I answered instead.

“That woman took my master and your son” - I said to Ye Hua loudly enough for Li Jing to hear us.

“He’s your son too” - Ye Hua said softly.

“Son?” - Li Jing asked.

“Your Majesty, our son will get better soon” - Xuan Nu said, clinging on to Li Jing. “Really. Look.. Look at Mo Yuan” - she pointed at him. “We will turn him into an elixir. Your Majesty, you were jealous of Mo Yuan in the past, right?”

What insane madness is she talking about?

“You don’t have to be jealous anymore” - she continued. “Our son will have Mo Yuan’s vitality soon”

“You shut your mouth” - Li Jing ordered her.

“Am I wrong? You didn’t give the soul jade to Bai Qian back then because you were jealous right?” - she counter attacked him.

Li Jing looked at me with a painful expression.

I couldn’t stand her nonsense anymore. “Xuan Nu, let me tell you something. My master’s body is extremely precious. He received blood from my heart for 70,000 years. I’m afraid your son’s body won’t be able to handle it” - I told her. I didn’t care if Ye Hua is there listening to all these. In the end he will know. Why not spill the beans now?

“Blood from your heart?” - Li Jing asked. “You mean..”. He did not get to finished his sentence as Ye Hua cut him off.

“Li Jing, let’s not talk about your past for the time being. I want to ask you, how you plan on taking care of today’s matter” - he asked sternly. “Do you want to do it privately or publicly?”

Xuan Nu spoke up for him. “What happens if it’s private? What happens if it’s public?”

“If it’s private, pull out the limbs and skin of your Ghost Queen who doesn’t know her place and to alleviate my anger” - Ye Hua said.

Seriously?

“If publicly, the Celestial soldiers have not fought in a battle for a long time. They have a lot of free time. We can used this opportunity to see whose army has been training better all these years” - he threatened.

Li Jing gave a long look at Xuan Nu. She started trembling, getting down to her knees.

“Your Majesty, are you really going to punish me so harshly? No, right? Your Majesty, have you forgotten? Have you forgotten all that I’ve done for you?”

Li Jing looked really troubled.

She then started pointing at Ye Hua. “He wouldn’t dare to deploy troops. He wouldn’t dare” - she cried.

Like a mad person, she continued. “Don’t think I don’t know you wouldn’t dare to deploy troops. You don’t have that power! You are just the Celestial Tribe Crown Prince. Heavenly Lord won’t agree to deploy troops just because of one woman”

Xuan Nu, Xuan Nu. You just crossed the line. You must have forgotten that you took his son too.

“I’m not deploying troops for the sake of one woman” - Ye Hua said, trying to keep his anger in check. “High God Mo Yuan is a highly respected god of the Celestial Tribe. High Goddess Bai Qian is the future Heavenly Empress. And A-Li will succeed my position in the future. Right now, these three people have suffered extraordinary humiliation in the Grand Ziming Palace. Do you think the Celestial soldiers will just let this slide?”

“Xuan Nu was always a little crazy” - Li Jing said, trying to ignore her while she was pulling his sleeves, trembling. “Otherwise, she wouldn’t have make such a grave mistake”

“Your Majesty” - she begged.

“I asked that Your Highness show mercy”

Ye Hua turned to me. I was still trying hard to stay on my feet. “Qian Qian, do you think we should show mercy?” - he asked me.

Xuan Nu started laughing loudly. “So much for you treating that Bai Qian so well, Celestial Tribe Crown Prince”

Ye Hua is fuming with anger by now.

“You don’t know, do you? She and her master..”.

I tried to say something but she did not get to finished her sentence. Ye Hua hit her with his magic, sending her to the ground. Li Jing stoned in his position.

“Qian Qian said you look like her, but I don’t see any similarities at all” - Ye Hua said in an angry voice.

I’m getting tired. Let’s finish this once and for all. I walked up to her. “ I didn’t mind giving you my appearance back then. But now that I see you using this appearance, it really makes me unhappy” - I said to her.

Without mercy, I reversed her appearance.

“Nooooooo!” - she screamed. “No no no!”

Li Jing had his back on her, not saying anything.

“I told you before, if you use Zhe Yan’s magic to do evil deeds, it will come back to bite you”

I walked back to Ye Hua, not feeling my steps any more. He caught me as I fell into his arms.

“Qian Qian, can you still hang on?”

I shake my head.

“If you can’t, just sleep for a bit”

I closed my eyes. That was the last thing I remembered him saying to me.

[nowhere-hunch]

I watched ‘Hamilton’ on Disney+

I’m not really a fandom person, but I would say I hang out online in a lot of “fandom-adjacent” spaces. Maybe a better word would be “lurker”. So although I was separated from it by many degrees, I’m aware of some of the insane stuff that came out of the Hamilton fandom during its heyday. Which makes me a teensy bit nervous about posting this on Tumblr - “the room where it happened” you could say (yes, I’m very funny, I know). But I’m hoping I have my blog settings right to make it hard for people to find and I won’t use any tags, so I should be fine, right? To be clear, I like Hamilton and this whole thing is positive toward it. It did get pretty long though.

First of all, I’m a little surprised that there’s a Hamilton fandom at all. Theatrical shows aren’t really the most accessible medium, especially for the demographics that we associate with fandom. The stage shows that I see with fandoms usually have other media associated with them as well, either that was based on them or that they were based on. For example, Les Mis has the book and multiple movies. That said, I’m not necessarily surprised that inaccessibility itself didn’t prevent the formation of a fandom. These days there’s plenty of ways to pirate things, plus you could argue that the cast CD of the musical that was released counts as an alternative media — since most of the dialogue is in fact part of a song.

But, being an inaccessible medium for so long has had an effect on the stories that are created for it. The demographics of people who are watching Broadway shows are probably different than those of people watching primetime TV. The historic events and people in Hamilton aren’t given much if any explanation or backstory. Several times a character is introduced that the audience is supposed to be excited about just because we already know the name: Alexander Hamilton or George Washington or Thomas Jefferson or whatever. For those specific examples, it kind of makes sense. Just by living in the U.S. you tend to get an idea of who those people are (they’re the people on the money). But people like John Laurens are given the same treatment (or lack thereof) in terms of backstory. I think I learned a little about John Laurens at some point in AP U.S. History but then I passed that test and literally never thought or heard about him for nine years until I watched Hamilton.

Hamilton is not a play that is meant to teach the story of Alexander Hamilton; it’s a play that is meant to use the story of Alexander Hamilton in order to teach something else. The historical people and events that are mentioned briefly are meant to provide context for what’s going on with the main characters. “OK I know that the Boston Tea Party happened in the lead up to the Revolution so if they’re talking about that now, I know where we are.” It seemed weird to me that it became so popular when it assumed a good deal of knowledge on the part of the viewer, but I think there are (at least) three factors that makes that not too much of an issue.

One, as I said earlier I did learn about John Laurens and other kind of minute details about the Revolutionary War in high school. If “fandom” is stereotypically mostly made up of students in middle school/high school/college, it might be the case that this background knowledge is actually more accessible to them than to the average Broadway patron, who would have been out of school for even longer than me. If this musical had been about some other figure that isn’t included in an integral part of the American public school curriculum, it probably wouldn’t have seen as much success. I believe that Linn Manuel Miranda had a goal of expanding and making more diverse the audience for these shows, so this choice of subject material makes sense.

Two, Hamilton is simply a solid musical. I’m saying this as someone who doesn’t see a lot of musicals and really isn’t and never was into theater that much, but that’s the point — to the untrained eye of someone fandom-adjacent, it’s a very enjoyable piece of media. The songs are catchy, the jokes are funny, the emotional parts are moving, there’s at least a couple of performers who sound really good to me, not that I have any idea how to tell. If you think about it for more than three seconds it’s hard not to get blown away considering how much skill it must have taken to write that entire story in rhyming verse! That’s the kind of thing Shakespeare did, or even Homer — both of whom produced works that had a big impact on their era’s version of “pop culture”. I wonder if this points to something in the human brain that makes us want to engage more with stories told in this way?

Three, I think fandom (in general) had been primed for stories like this by a series that had one of the largest fandoms during the time just before Hamilton came out: Hetalia. Hetalia is a comedy manga and anime series where each country in the world is personified by an immortal (kind of) human character. It deals a lot with history and real-world people and events— if you were a fan, your “canon” material was not only the manga and anime but also real-world facts about countries’ geography, culture, and history. Since the characters for “England” and “America” (the U.S.) were some of the most popular, the Revolutionary War specifically was the subject of a lot of fan works.

Unlike Hamilton though, Hetalia is presented in a format that was made for fandom and its story reflects that as well. It has a huge cast of characters, many of which are barely developed at all in “canon” but still have a reason for viewers to connect with them (“I’m from that country!”), opportunities for creating OCs, etc. that encourage fan activity. Through Hetalia, many people were introduced to the idea of using knowledge of history for fandom purposes, which was obviously a big part of the Hamilton fandom. What’s unfortunate is that, while there wasn’t much more to get from Hetalia beyond its fandom — in fact you could strongly argue that there was more “artistic merit” in a lot of fandom content than the series itself—for me the Hamilton fandom and all of its weirdness overshadowed anything that was said about the interesting things Hamilton had to say to its “traditional” audience.

I think one property of a good piece of media is that it has different messages and takeaways that are relevant to different people consuming it. Hamilton is like this. The central theme of the story is the idea of “legacy”, but there are several lenses it provides to investigate with. For example, it has many messages about race and national origin that may resonate most strongly with different people, including:

People of color are absent from the legacy of the founding of the country they live in. It’s weird to watch actors who are people of color talk about defending slavery, but it’s no more weird than having groups of all white people do the same (which is how it actually was).

Various founding fathers have a legacy of being people who valued freedom, but they owned slaves and/or supported the institution of slavery.

Alexander Hamilton’s legacy as an immigrant is celebrated, while immigrants today are regularly treated in horrifyingly inhumane ways.

I’m positive there are people who can write entire books about how the show addresses any one of these. For me though, the theme that resonated the most was the idea of legacy through a historical female perspective, as portrayed through the relationship between Alexander and Eliza Hamilton. The gist of it is this: Alexander Hamilton married Eliza Schuyler and frankly did not treat her well. His most obvious offense is cheating on her multiple times with a woman who “seduced” him (“Lord, show me how to say no to this” — dude you literally just did: “…no…”), but even this is actually a symptom of his fatal flaw: he cares about his legacy more than her. It is brought up multiple times that he chooses his work over his family responsibilities (there’s a whole song about it), and at the time he starts his “affair”, Eliza is actually away on a family trip that he decided to skip in order to keep working even more.

His obsession with legacy causes even more hurt for Eliza because it is inherited by their oldest son, Philip. Philip challenges someone to a duel who was criticizing his father. Based on how she talked to Alexander, saying she would rather have him alive and unknown than dead with a legacy, we can assume she would be against this. But Philip goes to his father for advice, and rather than discourage him, Alexander gives him advice on how to act that will make him look the best to people remembering it (shoot into the air, it’s a bad look to kill someone and if they have any honor they will do so as well). Philip is killed in this duel. Alexander cries at his bedside while Eliza next to him wails — the cheating has already been revealed at this point, and she and Alexander haven’t “made up”. Aaron Burr, who is a foil to Alexander Hamilton in many ways in the story, illustrates the differences in their priorities in a more subtle way. Before the final duel, in which Alexander himself is killed, Burr states as he works himself up that he must win because, “I won’t leave my daughter an orphan.”

Throughout, the viewer kind of overlooks Eliza. We know she is a woman living in the 1700s and so her agency is limited. She can’t divorce Alexander or really do anything to hold him accountable for the pain he has caused her. Her defining characteristics are things like “kind”, “gentle”, and “patient” — as described by her sister who sets her up with Hamilton in the first place. After the “Reynolds Pamphlet” is released (in which Hamilton publicly confesses to his affair), she sings a song about being sad, we’re told that there’s no record of how the real Eliza reacted to the information, and after a while she and Alexander make up. To us it seems like she just kind of takes what happens to her without resistance — it doesn’t really matter if that’s what she *wanted* to do because it’s what she *had* to do. We see a lot of female characters like this in media, especially media created or set in the past, and while there is now some backlash against them, there’s not much to complain about when it’s “historically accurate”.

But that all changes at the end. The climax of the play is the duel in which Hamilton is shot and killed. After that is the “big finale” song, but since Alexander Hamilton is dead, who sings it? Eliza. We are told that Hamilton dies with Eliza and her sister Angelica by his bedside, but we don’t see this. We see Eliza come back alone and sing about what she does for the remaining 50 years of her life. We learn that she is the one who gathered his writings, interviewed people who knew him, and did other research to share his life story. In effect, she wrote the story that the musical was based on. After seeing again and again that Hamilton cares about his legacy more than Eliza, it is revealed that Eliza is his legacy. Now we realize that when characters sing “You can’t control… who tells your story,” they don’t mean that in some philosophical or metaphorical way. The individual responsible for passing on your legacy after you die could literally be anyone, even the people you see as hindering it.

I cried during the final song. Actually these specific lines:

Eliza: I interview every soldier who fought by your side Soldiers in background: She tells our story … Eliza: I raise funds in D.C. for the Washington Monument Washington: She tells my story

Now, Washington in particular probably didn’t need her help to tell his story (I mean, he’s on money), but the way the lines are sung gives a sense of the kindness or love that is expressed when another person knows or tells your story. How many people have lived and died who are now totally forgotten about? Eliza did the work to save people from that fate. Alexander Hamilton I don’t think would be described as a “kind” person, even in this musical, but there is kindness in his legacy thanks to Eliza.

And, the final song contains the final plot point, the final part of the epilogue: after Alexander’s death, Eliza founds an orphanage.

I help to raise hundreds of children I get to see them growing up

Want to talk about legacy? Go to the memorial service for a teacher who worked for decades. Go to a birthday party for a 90-year-old who has 10 kids, 50 grandkids, and 150 great grandkids. They might not have their stories written down in books, but they get to enjoy legacy during their lifetimes. In the end, it turns out that in a way, Eliza is a foil to Alexander. While he makes himself and others miserable working to build a legacy that he won’t live to see, Eliza lives her life in service of people who she loves and who depend on her though she is not remembered now. Which of them made more of a difference? Which of them would you rather be?

This is kind of a radical message: that these two types of “legacy” are both valuable in some ways. For a long, long time in history, the kind of legacy that Alexander wanted was generally not available to women, people of color, etc. The “people in power” highly valued this type of legacy, so they reserved it for themselves. As the years went on, people fought for equality, and one of the issues was, although not necessarily stated explicitly, “We want to have valued legacies too!” It seems the response was a kind of reluctant “OK, I guess we’ll open up some opportunities for you to make contributions that will be recorded in history like ours.” For many women and other groups, this was actually great. Many people had wanted those opportunities for a long time, and it’s good that they are available to those who want them. So, it’s hard to say in absolute terms that this wasn’t a good thing. But at that point, we started to see a lot of media with “strong female characters” who are tough and sarcastic and ultra-skilled at combat or whatever that all add up to, “You will be admired and your legacy valued if you forget about girly stuff and just do what men have been doing all along.”

But encouraging everyone to value legacy in this way has created a culture where a lot of things send the message “Be more like Alexander Hamilton” while very few if any say “Be more like Eliza Hamilton.” It’s pretty radical to suggest that maybe the way that Eliza and people like her have been building legacies for all this time was actually good and beneficial and shouldn’t be completely abandoned for Alexander’s way that has always been presented as the most valid.

I think the reason that this resonates with me so loudly is that I am a middle class white woman and grew up as a “gifted” student, and in our modern “enlightened” world, I feel the pressure that historically has been on white men to create some tangible legacy that will live on after I die. But in media, in stories that are fundamental to my culture, in my own family tree before pretty recently, I don’t see women doing this. I have modern society saying to me “You need to make a legacy for yourself.” while the culture that has built up over centuries consistently sends the message “women don’t get legacies”. What Hamilton is saying is “They do have legacies, just not the kind society has taught you to value.”

And actually, I would argue, it goes further, showing how women have found power and agency by refusing to leave a legacy in the traditional sense. The only time in the musical where Eliza talks about her own legacy is in the song “Burn” that she sings after finding out Alexander cheated on her. It includes these lines:

I’m erasing myself from the narrative Let future historians wonder how Eliza Reacted when you broke her heart … The world has no right to my heart The world has no place in our bed They don’t get to know what I said I’m… burning the letters that might have redeemed you

The first time I watched it, I assumed that “erasing myself from the narrative” was a metaphor for her burning the letters. But after watching the ending and knowing that Eliza was actually the one who did the work of passing on “the narrative”, it’s clear that she meant it literally. She knows how much Alexander values his legacy as much as we the audience do, so she’s hitting him where it hurts. Normally, when perspectives are missing from historical narratives we are told it’s because of carelessness (either nobody asked or someone lost it) or external censorship. In Hamilton, we are told Eliza’s part of this story is missing because that’s the way she wanted it. In her time and place, she doesn’t have the opportunity to speak out against her husband or otherwise get justice, but she has still found a powerful way to “get back” at him. Her side of the story is missing because of her agency, not her lack of it.

Initially, Eliza telling Alexander’s story is interpreted as an act of love, very romantic. But thinking back to “Burn”, you have to remember that in the 50 years Eliza lived doing that work after he died, she never “redeemed” him for the bad things he did to her. In that light, you can almost see spite running subtly through the love. “I will do everything in my power to make sure people don’t forget you because I love you (and I want them to know what a jerk you were to me).” I don’t think Eliza hated Alexander. In the play it is clear that she does love him, but she does have reasons of her own for recording his legacy besides blind devotion or adoration. For this, in a way, Eliza herself is in a way redeemed by Washington and the soldiers in the final song, even though her motives aren’t completely “pure”, these men are benefitted by (and in the song appreciative of) her work.

As I said, there are a lot of themes in Hamilton that could be talked about at length, but this one is the most interesting to me, or at least the one that I’ve found myself thinking about the most since I watched the show. I want to talk about one more thing and bring us back to where this discussion started: the Hamilton fandom.

The most notorious example of “craziness in the Hamilton fandom” was the whole “hivliving”… thing. There’s a great video about it on YouTube that really does press that “gossip” button in my social primate brain just right. I highly recommend giving it a watch. 

That may be… if not the culmination then the climax the of the insanity in the Hamilton fandom. If you didn’t watch the video, here is a very very brief synopsis:

Within the Hamilton fandom, there are two groups of people who support opposing “ships”: fans of Hamilton/Laurens and fans of Hamilton/Washington.

Members of the Hamilton/Laurens faction make a habit of harassing Hamilton/Washington fans using “social justice” rhetoric (i.e. “Your ship is problematic”). It seems agreed upon by those outside that most if not all of their accusations are baseless, but it persists.

One vocal member of the Hamilton/Laurens fans, claiming to be an HIV+, bisexual, bigender, muslim victim of sex trafficking living in India, also runs a blog called “hivliving” about, well, living with HIV. Since blogs like this are rare, the blog becomes a popular and well-loved resource.

Someone named Ursula discovers that the person running the “hivliving” blog is not in fact an HIV+, bisexual, bigender, muslim victim of sex trafficking living in India, but a white 18-year-old college student living in the U.S. When confronted and pressed, they come clean to their followers.

In the aftermath, someone realizes that Ursula is associated with people in the Hamilton/Washington faction of the Hamilton fandom, and so word starts spreading that Ursula investigated and confronted hivliving due to revenge over “shipping wars”.

More rumors come up and eventually, the story transforms so that the commonly known version is: “Hivliving was pretending to be an HIV+/etc. person and was exposed by someone who wanted revenge for them criticizing their cannibal-mermaid-AU fanfiction.” All the “normal” people have a fun time laughing about how insane people can be online.

Because of this negative attention, Ursula is forced to abandon fandom.

Seriously though, watch the video if you have time.

If there were a lesson to the hivliving story, it would be about legacy. It would be a cautionary tale about how a legacy built on good intentions and serious work can be turned completely around through no fault of your own. I don’t have much to add to that, besides noting that it is a weird coincidence that it happened in a fandom for a show that itself put so much focus on legacy. Hamilton fans, in telling the story of hivliving and Ursula, shaped it to serve their own ends (vilifying fans of a rival ship), much like Eliza shaped Alexander’s story in telling it for her own reasons. But the last thing I’ll note is this: the fans largely shaped the story by adding things, Eliza shaped the story by leaving things out.

[reesesxxpieces-blog]

Spencer James "I love you, Sweets!!"

Rebecca Pearson "I love you more, Spency!"

Spencer James "Nope. Can't love me more. No way dude."

Rebecca Pearson "It's possible." she said smiling.

Spencer James "Girl. Ima beat your ass."

Rebecca Pearson "Couldn't do it when we were kids. What makes you think you will now?"

Spencer James "Police Academy."

Rebecca Pearson "Hmm that gives you a small advantage."

Spencer James "Think that gives me a rather large advantage." Smirks.

Rebecca Pearson "Not that large. I can still beat ass when needed. John taught me some stuff." Becca said sticking out her tongue.

Spencer James "Yeah? Well we'll have to check this out one day. We can take bets on it and then take the money to buy alcohol! But you know we'll just end up laughing our asses off and taking our own selves down!"

Rebecca Pearson "That's one thousand percent true." she said in reply with a laugh. "Isn't that just what we did in eleventh grade?"

Spencer James "Hah. More or less. I think it's probably best we just buy a bottle of wine and call it a day."

Rebecca Pearson "I'm down with that." she said knowing in reality she didn't stand a chance against the brunette.

Spencer James "Sounds good to me. Now we just gotta get your ass to Philly."

Rebecca Pearson "Yes. That seems to be the only snag in the plans." she said. "I could come down for a few days after Vancouver."

Spencer James "I would love that. You've gotta meet John and the boys!! It's been entirely too long!"

Rebecca Pearson "I promise I'll come then. In fact, when I get done shopping and head back to Chris's I'll make sure to change my flight plans."

Spencer James "Awesome. Forward me the flight plan and I'll make sure me and a couple of blonde boys pick you up at the airport!"

Rebecca Pearson "I'll do that and I think these blonde boys might steal my heart when I lay eyes on them."

Spencer James "I'm pretty sure you are right on that one!"

Rebecca Pearson "Would these blonde boys happen to be named River and Rhys?"

Spencer James "Oh, absolutely. And they look just like John. My God. I know River doesn't share my blood, but Rhys does. Yet I swear that he doesn't look like I had anything to do with it."

Rebecca Pearson Becca laughed as she listened to Spencer. "Genetics must be strong with John then."

Spencer James “Yeah, must be. I mean, thankfully I don't see his ex in Riv, but it also means I don't see me in Rhys. Thankfully his name at least has me in it. I wanted to name him Reese for my maiden name, but John came up with Rhys and I absolutely loved it. But still, that's about all he got from me."

Rebecca Pearson "Not true. Kid's gonna have his mama's looks when he gets older. Then you and I are gonna have to scare off those fast girls." Becca said laughing as she thought about Rhys growing to be a handsome young man one day.

Spencer James "Oh I hope not. I hope he stays looking just like John. That man..." sighs. "Just wait until you meet him. He doesn't see it. But he's fucking gorgeous." Keeps her voice down on the phone, knowing John was never too far away and didn't want him hearing her go on and on like that about him.

Rebecca Pearson Becca laughed as she listened to Spencer gush about her husband. "Well only time will tell, Spence. But it's cute how you gush about John. I remember when I used to do the same things for Duke." she said thinking about her husband and how she would publicly embarrass him with kisses.

- Renamed Becca's husband. Didn't want to get confused

Spencer James "No one else sees them like we do," she seemed to confess, not minding at all that it was like that. Recalling when Duke was alive and how Becs went on and on about him, realizing that though she thought herself a strong, professional woman, she was just really a girl in love with a boy and nothing could stop that. "I don't know if you want to talk about this or not... but do you compare everyone else after him to Duke?" she asked, not wanting to upset the woman, but still curious.

Rebecca Pearson The question did catch her off guard but then Duke dying did the same thing. "Um...heavy question there." she said as she laughed nervously. Continuing she cleared her throat. "I don't try and compare any guy to him because I know that if I do I'm either going against the memory of Duke or I'm placing an impossible standard on any guy. I will say I know that any man who doesn't respect me as much as Duke did is not worth the time."

Spencer James Always having wondered what that might be like, yet never wanting to experience it herself, she heard the laugh where she had feared tears. "That makes perfect sense," she offered, a nod of her head though Becs wouldn't be able to see it. "You've become a wise woman, Becs," she stated honestly, not sure she'd ever be able to keep her shit together if something happened to John.

Rebecca Pearson "Trust me, I'm more broken and a mess than you can imagine." she said. "I was barely able to hold it together for the first few months afterwards." she continued knowing that this was a raw subject for her. "Duke was the love of my life and always will be. Moving on is the toughest thing." she finished.

Spencer James Hearing it and experiencing it were two different things, of which Spencer well understood. She'd never try to say she knew what it must be like for her, nor to down play the woman's pain, but she was so proud of her for trying to move forward all at the same time. Avoiding any cliche statements like 'he would want you to go on', instead she'd just have the strong listening ear of her best friend. "And anyone that loves you in the future will know this and understand it. I think it's going to take a strong person, but the right one, and you'll know it all over again," she offered, hoping her words were helpful and not hurtful.

Rebecca Pearson The words helped more than Spencer might know. "Thank you, Spence. That really means the world coming from you. It's been almost two years since he died and life is starting to feel normal. I know that no one will ever replace him but it's nice to know that I can at least have someone fill that emptiness. I'm ready to start putting myself out there." she admitted as she bit her lip. It was ironic for her to say that being that she was still in Vancouver with a guy she was crushing on.

Spencer James "Good. Then it's time," she offered, not agreeing with anyone else's idea of when the woman should move on, as it should be all about her and where she was and when she was ready and nothing more than that. "You're doing good, Becs. Just keep on doing what you're doing and don't let anything get in the way of what you want."

Rebecca Pearson "Well, what I want is to make a move but I don't think a certain someone is ready for that." she said as she flopped back against the bed and sighed. "Maybe I'm not sexy enough." she said neurotically.

Spencer James "Oh, I'm sure /that/ isn't the problem. I never feel like I am. Honestly, John and I have gotten into a legit fight over it before, though that shouldn't be too surprising as most anything can throw us down that road. But you are a beautiful woman and if he can't see that, then he's fucking blind. You do what you think is right. If the moment is there, fucking go for it, love."

Rebecca Pearson "Spencer James, motivational speaker and badass detective." she said as she chuckled. "But you're right. I just need to go for it and I swear you and John fight over the craziest shit."

Spencer James "Nooo. I have no public speaking aspirations, I promise you of that." Laughs at just the thought. "Yeah, well. We are definitely all or nothing. It's always turned up in one way or another. I really can't wait for you two to meet though."

Rebecca Pearson "Yes it will be fun to meet the man who changed my best friend for the better." Becca said chuckling.

Spencer James "Becca, I think you might be the /only/ one to have this opinion and I absolutely love you for it!!!"

Rebecca Pearson "Really? Well, poo to those who didn't share this opinion." she said. "Also, I love you too."

Spencer James "Becs, my father is in jail awaiting trial at the moment because he tried to /kill/ the man just to 'free' me of him... Shit's been crazy."

Rebecca Pearson "What?! Your dad was always so sweet though. Girl, you're gonna have to catch me allllllll the way up."

Spencer James "God, where do I begin... so first he was mad because John didn't ask for my hand in marriage. Okay, whatever. So then he got this thing in his head that I was better off without him. Basically, he didn't like who I was becoming when I'm around John. And I'll admit, John has turned something on inside of me that I never knew was there. But dad has always seen me with Chris and that was that. You know, the athletic, pretty boy type. So John didn't fit the bill. While I was pregnant with Rhys, I didn't know it, but my dad offered John a stack of cash to leave me. When John didn't follow through, my father took matters into his own hand. Did I mention that he did this outside of the hospital as though he was there to see Rhys and congratulate John? While Rhys and I were upstairs about an hour or so after having him? Yeah, so multiple stab wounds and three weeks in ICU later... John survived, barely. And my dad's in jail. Oh? And the best part? He implicated me in that I asked him/conspired with him to do it, so I've been on administrative leave from the department for eight fucking months under an attempted murder investigation." Takes a deep breath after getting it all out. "Think that about does it."

Rebecca Pearson "Holy shit. I had no idea that this was all going on and that your father had a hand in it." she said as she let out a sigh. "Are you and him even on speaking terms? I mean I know his sickness was hard to handle."

Spencer James "Uh, no. We are not on speaking terms. And honestly, I hope someone on the inside takes care of him. I shouldn't say that. I know. But it's fucking insane. And I'm not on terms with my mother either... When I say you are the only one that sees any good left in me that knew me from before, I truly believe it."

Rebecca Pearson "Wow, well I'll always see the good in you and not just because we made that pact in fourth grade either." Becca said. "You're the best person I know outside my brother and sister and I have your back no matter what. You're my person."

Spencer James "Don't know what I'd do without ya, Becs. Legit the one constant from then to now and I'll love you forever for it."

Rebecca Pearson "That's what I'm here for. Best friends forever didn't mean until 2017." she said teasingly.

-February 14, 2017