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kinkyacademia · 5 years

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Can you write a fic were Hawks x Male reader were the reader loses their dog(Preferably a large breed) is a villain attack. Hawks ends up finding the dog, returns it, but is surprised to see that the reader is actually the nerdy kid from his old high school and now the reader looks hot and just go on from there. Don´t judge me.

bI don’t really know who this was for, but I snatched it up because BAM it was cute :)Okay after writing this, I have to say: I didn’t expect to make Hawks such a bottom, but he is SUCH A BOTTOM IN THIS IM SO SORRY-Orange warning. This has fairly lewd content in it, but since there isn’t any sex, it’s less of a lemon and more of an orange.

-Mod Pasta 🍜🍝

🌪”Charles!” You shouted when you got home. There had been a villain attack near your house and you rushed home to check up on your purebred Newfoundland named Charles. Upon not finding him, you got worried, calling the police. They told you that they would look for the dog among the havoc the villain had caused. Anxiety plagued you, but alas there was nothing you could do. It was in the hands of heroes now, probably that up and coming new hero you heard about: The one with wings.

🌪Takami had been flying around for a while, lazily collecting distressed civilians and checking up on people around the firefight. It had been an odd villain: some rando had gone rough and used his attraction quirk to pull builds together. Hawks had neutralized him, then joined the rescue squad. It was a high-injury event because of the violent power, but all injured civilians were now in care. It was near the end of the day, right when Hawks was going to leave and go home for dinner, when he got a heads up from the police that a dog was missing. Some huge, fluffy dog a boy had called in about. He immediately swooped down to look for it.

🌪Finding the dog was a breeze: it had just been accidentally pulled out of the yard of its owner and run directly into the danger. It was trotting along in the rubble, sniffing around for a tasty snack. He landed, giving the dog his hand while he reported to the police that he had found it. The dog barked happily, trotting right up to him and promptly leaning the side of its body all the way into him. He hadn’t expected it to be so loving, and he stumbled back with a shout of surprise, then delight. It was such a sweetie! He cooed at the big puppy, ruffling its ears until the police notified him that they could still hear him and gave him the address of the owner.

🌪The dog seemed comfortable with Takami flying, so he set off towards the owner’s house with it in tow, a little uncomfortable because of the weight, but able to manage. Once he set it down, he had to stretch his arms, his joints popping. The dog barked as it happily looked up at him. Almost immediately the door of the little house opened, the light blaring through the dark dusk as the owner rushed forward, hugging their pet. He proudly crossed his arms, “I found him in the rubble, he’s pretty cute.”

🌪When the owner looked up, he definitely didn’t expect to see (L/N) (F/N) from his old Hero course. You looked up with surprise, “Takami…?”

🌪You two caught up quickly, and you offered him tea as he followed you inside. You had settled as a sidekick to a hero agency, and he raved about how nerdy you had been back in high school. You had worn thick-rimmed glasses, always corrected him on minor arithmetic details, and had a problem with self-care and acne. Now none of those things were present, especially the problem with self care… Yeah, as you poured the willow tea, he admired your ass from your couch as he removed his suddenly stuffy jacket. You took care of yourself alright, very well.

🌪You seemed indifferent to his interest, happily talking about old times and relating them to your new job. Charles ended up laying his body across the both of you, and you laughed, giving his back end a slap. The puppy barked, wagging his tail. Both of you laughed at that, and Hawks rubbed the dog’s head, still infatuated with the baby. His eyes didn’t stray from your own for long, however: yours just seemed so much brighter without the glasses. How could puberty hit someone so late and so hard?

🌪You calmly smiled, drinking your tea serenely, “Thanks for returning Charlie. I bet he’s pooped from running around the city.”

“Probably,” Takami nodded, blinking a couple times before realizing that he still had his goggles on. He removed them, placing them in his jacket on the table in front of your couch, “I’m probably imposing-”

“Never! It’s so cool to see how far you’ve come, Takami, even if we weren’t super close back in Uni,” You exclaimed, and his breath hitched. Boy did he wish he knew you better in Uni…

🌪Hawks was suddenly conscious of his hair. It was all over the place - and your own was quite obviously styled. Wait - did you just push it back to tease him? He felt his body grow hotter… That damn nerd from his old school was sitting in front of him, laughing his cute little ass off at Hawks’ horrible jokes.

“I had started a pot of rice before you arrived, you can stay for dinner if you like,” He didn’t like how narrow your sly eyes were when you suggested that. You were so tantalizing that he had to stop himself from literally ruffling his feathers.

“I’d love that, heroing is hard work.”

🌪He never thought the day would come that the annoying geek from Uni’s mouth would look so inviting. Did you keep the chopsticks between your teeth when you laughed because you knew he was staring? He hoped that was the case, because he wasn’t about to stop. Hadn’t you had braces? They were definitely gone now, and your entire face was just enticing him…

🌪You could definitely tell Takami was attracted to you. You had run into another old peer from High School and they blatantly commented on your improved physique and looks. You had put a lot of effort into them over the last few years, and you were glad that they paid off. Finding out that an old classmate was now the No. 3 Pro Hero and was practically drooling for you was another achievement you were quite proud of.

🌪He had taken his jacket and goggles off, his gloves soon following. His wind-blown hair seemed all too perfect to run your hands through, but you didn’t quite remember if your peer was attracted to men or not. He was popular with the girls ever since he was in Uni, but had he ever went after one? Not that you remember. You listened to him talk about his latest mission with wide eyes and fascination, and he continued to beef up the story until it sounded fantastical, obviously trying to impress you. You’d never seen him so flustered, his voice shaking a bit and his eyes fleeting.

🌪So you took a leap of faith and called him out on it, “Takami,” He paused, his eyes immediately looking to your own across the dining table, “Are you nervous?”

“Ah shucks, you caught me. Well come on, you know you’re hot, right?” Your heart fluttered. That was so upfront, and your cheeks flushed as you smiled to yourself.

“Thanks, I was beginning to think you just wanted to leave,” Your smile formed into a smirk, and you rested your chopsticks against your teeth as your tongue stuck out. You cocked as eyebrow as his obvious strain to not look at your lips.

“I kinda like it here. You know,” You hummed to let him know you were paying attention as he took another mouth full of rice, “My person motto is that I think heroes should be able to relax and have leisure time.”

“Hmm?” He nodded at your inquiry, and you chuckled deeply, “You don’t seem very relaxed. I could help you with that,” He quite obviously was gawking now, his cheeks flushed and sweat beginning to gather on his brow.

“Really?” His voice was hoarse, and you ended up laughing as he looked away from you, realizing how needy he sounded. You twirled a chopsticks between your fingers, then glanced at the man’s lap, eyes wandering back up to his wanton eyes, “Yeah…” He trailed off, his small pupils now fully blown.

🌪To say the least, Takami’s dinner snack was long forgotten. Once you had gotten up, slowly stalking around the table toward him, he was like putty for you. You took his hand, and he followed you anxiously to your bedroom. You had exceptional taste in style, your bed being plush as he fell back into it. He leaned up, and you cocked an eyebrow, “Finally found a shred of dignity?”

“Never, but I can’t be on my back,” He ruffled his wings, and you rolled your eyes, leaned down to place a caste kiss on his lips that left him breathless, “Fuck,” he whispered.

🌪He remembered being compared to an angle one time in bed. Sweet, flustered, but never submissive enough to back down from a fight. You ended up straddling him, and the blood that was left in his body travelled to his groin. His back was against the headboard, and you were ravaging the hero’s pride by leaving love bites down his neck, his lips swollen from a long, deep make out session, “Where did this… Even come from?” He had to gather his scrambled thoughts together.

“I had expected you to take the lead, but this was just too easy,” He relished in the purr that escaped your lips, and he took a deep breath. You pulled back, looking at your work with smug pride, “Beautiful.”

“Don’t underestimate me, (F/N), I’ve been known to bite back.”

🌪His own love marks were less intense than your own, his touch less rough and more calculated. He had flipped you positions, but you obviously still held the reigns. You were just too much for him to wrangle. You pulled his hips against your own, grinding into him. The gasp that escaped his lips sent shivers down your arms: This was happening. You were going to fuck the pretty boy from Uni.

🌪“We still have a lot of clothes on,” You ran a hand down his chest, and some form of a coo came from him. You gave him an incredulous look, and his cheeks darkened.

“I can’t control the sounds I make, (F/N),” You cackled, ordering him to take his shirt off. He obliged, and you made sure to leave a few marks along the way as you removed your own top. Both of your bulges were now straining against your pants, threatening to pop a button.

“It’s cute. I wonder if I can pull another one out,” You teased, and the awkward, flustered smile you got back confirmed that you were going to pull many noises out of this hero. Your hands travelled down to his belt as you planted another kiss on his lips.

“You’re so different than I remember,” He whispered, and you nodded slowly as you undid his buckle, pulling the belt out and inspecting it. His eyes followed your own down to it.

“I am,” You ran a hand along the buckle, “Every been hit with this?” Your eyes snapped back to his own. The bewildered look he had confirmed that he hadn’t, and you threw the leather behind his neck, pulling him close to your lips, “Maybe next time,” You bit his bottom lip, then tossed the belt off of the bed. At this point you were just torturing the man.

🌪You both had to get out of your pants before one of you went insane. You opened your nightstand, pulling out the bottle you hadn’t expected to use and a condom. You held them up to his face as he was yanking a shoe off. He looked to them, then you, “Nice size.”

“Oh,” You chuckled, forgetting that the size of the condom was labelled.

“Definitely for you, though,” He glanced at his own boxers that were still on, “I can take it.”

“Cute,” You were waiting on him, and he could tell. You pulled your own underwear off, and his eyes travelled to your length. You could see him chewing on the inside of his cheek, and you hooked a finger into the elastic of his boxers, laughing, “C’mon, embarrassed? I’m sure you’ve done this a million times.”

“I’m not a player, contrary to popular belief,” He crossed his arms, and you gave him a cocked eyebrow.

“I’ve heard otherwise,” You pulled his boxers down an inch, and he seemed nervous, “Are you… sure?” You held the condom up once again, “You can back out if you want, I won’t hold it against you.”

“I’m just remembering how you used to be. I thought you were going to be some weird scientist with warts when you grew up,” He laughed dryly, and you gasped, grinning.

“Oh really? I’ll fuck that expectation away, I promise,” You threatened, “C’mon, if you’re going to take me, you gotta be prepared,” You swore he cooed once more, nodding. You pulled his boxers down to see his semi-erect length, and he stepped out of them obediently.

“Yeah, alright, yeah,” His voice was practically shaking. You put a hand under his jaw, pulling him toward yourself. He followed immediately, and you felt a wave of dominance fall over you. Most heroes would feel shameful being so submissive, but this boy practically held pride in it. You were going to love this.

“Let’s start.”

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incarnateirony · 4 years

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I get blends of innocent beans confused with what queer coding is or isn’t, and malignant beans misappropriating points, so we’re gonna do a quick run through.

Queer coding started as a malignant thing. The truest use of the phrase “queer coding” came from stereotypes and villainizations that straight people found sCaRy. This is like, why Scar seemed classically flamboiyant, or a variety of Disney villains were long, lanky, gestured exaggeratedly, wore eyeliner, etc. There’s a million examples but I’m not going to cover them all because I think you get what I mean. At the time, straight culture was painting gays as bad so painting villains as how straights perceived gays was like, super useful, cuz it creeped the straights out oOOoooOOo.

When people talk about queer coding enforcing stereotypes, if you’re talking about the original form of queer coding, this is inherently true. However, coding reached other levels, and has adaptive forms.

For example, watching (as I’ve been mocked for saying 10,000 times, but because it’s needed) The Celluloid Closet will clear up a lot for you. Subversive queer coding is when queer creators use a great deal of things to communicate with a queer audience past censorship. The film documentary (if you can’t read the book -- which I understand, it’s difficult to find) clears a whole fuckton of this up.

There’s some things that, quite frankly, we as gays know as part of our language. It is what it is. While it’s not a stereotype, it’s quite literally a language I highly warn straights against stepping into, because then they flounder around confused on what’s our actual language and what’s a stereotype

A truly innocent bean asked of me yesterday, well why then is menthols fair subversive queer coding? How is that not a stereotype?

Well like, because it’s facts. And that’s really, really hard to wrap ones’ head around from an outsider straighty perspective or even someone who’s queer but trapped heavily in a hetnorm world outside of where this is visible and/or in the wrong demographic otherwise. A black person who hangs out with black people of all orientations is not going to blink at a media dude getting menthols generally, because it’s one of the cultures that statistically engages in it to the point of memes about Kools or whatever. That’s not my culture, I can’t comment on much beyond that, but it’s just something to take note of.

But even if you don’t want to take someone’s word on “no, seriously, white dudes smoking menthols is queer culture and literally like a great sign for a hookup to another queer white dude”, google the various intersections of gender and menthol, race and menthol, and sexuality and menthol.

This isn’t pulled out of thin air. These were populations quite literally heavily targeted by Big Tobacco and, by nature, are the ones that smoke it, whereas Big Tobacco put(s) on airs of masculinity and chick-magnetness to smoke good ol non-menthol shit. It’s literally marketing. Yes, it does literally impact who buys product and yes, it does after generations have a noticeable affect. Track the numbers I told you to google down and you’ll realize less than 3% of menthol smokers identify as straight white men (depending on the way the numbers sort out and the year of polling, often 1.x%, 3% is the liberal number).. Lemme tell you, on the street, that’s an “okay, honey :)” when you do find it. Maybe a little pat on the head. An invisible brochure for Welcome To The Gays. Like, White Men make up more than 31% of America and they still refuse to tally more than 25% of the US as queer [some censuses as low as 6% and LOL] so like-- that should be like minimum 25% of dudes available and nope, 1-3%)

(that’s not to say all gays or even all white gays smoke menthol, but this is that rule of “not all fingers are thumbs, but all thumbs are fingers” in loose application.)

But understanding these things, these signals, from the outside is utterly flabbergasting to people.

No, someone making an immasculating joke is not subversive queer coding. No, a dude wearing a certain kind of shirt or eating a certain kind of food generally isn’t queer coding (Unless it’s a rainbow flag BITCH IM GAY shirt, or uh, maybe for food quiche or hummus? I mostly joke for the latter two, but that’s the kind of self ball punching queer community sometimes does to itself in awareness that yes, there ARE elements. No, eating hot dogs and burritos isn’t gay. Yes, we make make penis jokes. No, that isn’t itself queer coding.)

When a queer author codes a piece, it’s designed to communicate to the resonant audience. It also may not communicate to /all/ gays. The language of a middle aged cis gay man that lived through the AIDS crisis is a whole other fuckin adventure from the language of 17 year old trans gays squatting behind their Xbox, it’s just fact, it’s just what is. Completely different cultures and lives being lived, completely different experiences resulting. A few things here or there may connect across generations but some shit that’s written by a gen Z gay is gonna whiff by a boomer gay, sorry. Also just facts.

Explaining exactly what is and isn’t queer coding is almost impossible beyond the fact that “if you don’t get it, it’s probably not for you.” -- At the same time, that leaves the problematic room of people taking that grey area and packing in a bunch of shit and we’re back to ground zero on the original problematic queer coding.

I once read a meta of uh-- I’ll just say, [Fantasy Character]. The fantasy character had an addiction problem that gave them villain-like attributes. Someone implied the “villain coding” made it queer coding. Okay like. Fucking absolutely not. Because if the show in question WAS doing that, first off, that’s literally the kind to make mockeries of gay people so you literally shouldn’t be reaching for that and second off they’d be doing that lanky sassy bitch with eyeliner bullshit like Disney villains with it, give or take. You don’t apply this shit in reverse, “he has villain attributes and so he’s gay” is literally the worst possible angle to take a discussion while trying to slap fight in a representation arena. Like I can’t say enough DO NOT DO THIS SHIT.

If you wanna write fic or headcanon whoever as gay or whatever have fun but like once people keep trying to talk about “coding” you’re talking about conscious elements inset by the authors. Does a character have a bunch of on the record sexual encounters that just happen to include dudes persistently even if we don’t exactly get the exact angle or Proof Of Dicking? That’s gay (also depending on the phrasing, as settled in older stuff, that’s just deadass queer text and settled long before this fandom ever had pissing matches about this shit in older cinema.) Does the character happen to be respectful and use like gender neutral pronouns on people? Sorry folks that unto itself isn’t gay, that’s gays writing allies at best, unless you can give specific and directly applicable situations relevant to the character rather than eternally vague blogging through and swearing up and down it’s just about their partners or some shit. Yelling it in general though, sorry, no.

Does the character engage in things or events with non-het gendered partners that in the very least are heavily coded into the areas of relationships even if they’re unclear (eg, do they routinely go out with non-family people and hold deep or meaningful conversations in things that LOOK like a date, even if nobody SAYS it’s a date) -- congrats, you have coded text. Alone it could even be queerplat stuff, depending on the suprastructure of the plot, text, subtext and everything else around it (same way, gasp, a man and a woman can sit at a table and not necessarily be in a relationship, but if they’re trading courting gifts and having unique and powerful exchanges or have big like, “the heart is the thing that binds us together uwu” shit, we all figure out what the fuck is going on like grown assed adults.)

It’s easier to list things that are NOT subversive queer coding:

Insults against gay people

Immasculating commentary

Random foods short of it deadass being a gay author making fun of some gay meme shit in some gay equivalent of ‘right in front of my salad’

Favorite colors or clothing

---

We got it? Good. Rule of thumb though. Deadass unless you are involved in some thick-ass queer culture don’t try to queer code shit. I don’t even care if you’re queer yourself because that doesn’t mean you’ve actually been subject to the culture in a meaningful way. There’s 30 year old bis that grew up in white picket fence suburbias on top of trust funds with hovercraft parents guiding them through 17 degrees and keeping them out of party culture that married a het-passing relationship and settled down and started having babies and their grasp of queer culture ends at what they perceive out of memes online, if they even hover in actual queer crowds online at all as much as general ones. That person literally is not going to speak much of the language. They aren’t. At best they’ll speak the language of 30 year old trust fund het-married bisexual mothers which, I mean yeah, technically some queer language but that’s a very, very fucking niche experience path right there compared to street-dwelling club-goers that attend pride, hold D&D parties with all their coworkers they figured out are gay on the weekend, occasionally brick a window in a riot. The latter is gonna have a far more diverse queer experience. And by such, a far more diverse queer language.

That’s not even to gatekeep. 30 year old trust fund het-passing-marriage bi-mom is in fact bi. So yeah, they’re queer. But we’re talking about language and culture, which is related to but not something you inherit. It comes by lives and experiences.

And I think this is where a LOT of the fucked up early Queer Coding fuckery comes from in discourse. Yes we have a language. Hell, to some extent a few things might even kinda BE stereotypes but there’s a certain amount of living and being where you know the difference between “this is a stereotype made by straight people villainizing us that has no idea what we’re fucking like” or “this is a stereotype born out of mass marketing that targeted and victimized then imprinted on an entire population that we’ve come to recognize among ourselves.” Or even “this is a stereotype but FUCK YES it’s one we embrace, go get fucked, straights.” And it’s not NEARLY as ambiguous as fandom circle jerks try to make these things out to be in the interest of wanting every interpretation to be valid or every character to be gay or not wanting to admit some person may know what the fuck they’re talking about more than they do.

Huge point on that last one though, because like. I’ve seen some angry straights that are pissy about the show try to throw wrenches in the gears by concern trolling as if in defense of the gays about “offensive queer coding” and most of the time they’re basically that “how do you do fellow kids gays” meme. “How do you do gays I am very concerned about *checks notes* the twitters talking about gay men walking fast” and half the time turn around like two tweets later like “besides the character doesn’t even have a lisp anyway” or some bullshit that is outright offensive ass stereotyping while they’re out here trolling over the fact that a gay man admits to diva worship as a cultural trait.

General rule of thumb: ask a queer culture immersed gay about queer coding.

Shipping culture in the blue hellsite is not queer culture, for the record. Even if a bunch of queerfolk are in it.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

A very tired gay

#supernatural #spn #fandom #queer coding

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randomfandomimagine · 6 years

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Special Like You (Peter x Reader)

Character: Peter Parker (Tom Holland)

Fandom: Spiderman

Categories: Reader Insert, Female!Reader

Title: Special Like You

Requested by anon:

hi ^-^ Would you do a fem reader with Tom’s Spidey? she knows he’s spider man & always worries about him getting hurt, and secretly on the inside she’s insecure about her bff being a super hot hero and she’s just, her. And then she’s clumsy and trips too hard or something but won’t tell bc she doesn’t wanna seem weak and clumsy. he’s with her and sees how uncomfortable she is and then he’s cleaning her up and scolding her when her feelings and insecurities come out. Cliche, I know. Im sorry 😣

Requested by @friceaurelia07:

Hey! Could u do a peter parker one? (They're already dating) Like instead of Liz, its her who is peters date + shes the one he left at homecoming(he never saw her again cause she "moved"). But plot twist, shes a superhero and when he's at the new avengers compound, they she each other but he doesnt know that its her and he falls in love/is interested with her superhero self but she's pretty much pissed and kinda hates him and you decide the continuation. Thankyou♡

My heart was pounding. I impatiently tapped my foot against the floor. I looked at the watch for the tenth time. I checked my phone for the umpteenth time. Still nothing.

Where was Peter? Was he okay? Was he even still alive? What happened to him?! My mind was racing with thoughts, all of them about the many terrible ways in which Peter could have gotten hurt, or even died.

I was tempted to go downstairs and talk to May to distract myself since the anxiety was growing too big to bear, but she would notice how agitated I was and I wasn’t ready to explain that I was scared that my boyfriend Peter Parker, also known as Spiderman, was in trouble.

Resigned and even more anguished than before, I started biting on my nails nervously. Just then, I heard the sound of the window being opened and I immediately stood up from the bed.

“Pete!” I exclaimed as I threw my arms around his neck, holding him tight.

“Wow, jumpscare!” He notably jumped, startled, even though his arms still reciprocated the embrace in a daze. “Y/N?”

Slightly relieved now that I knew he was alright –or at least alive and not too badly injured –I angrily broke the hug by pushing him off me.

“Peter Parker, where the hell were you?” I whisper-yelled, trying not to get May’s attention.

He observed me, speechless, for a few seconds. Then he took his mask off and gaped at the air, opening and closing his mouth in astonishment.

“What…?” He muttered, frowning as he reached out to touch me. I swatted him away.

“You have any idea how worried I was?!”

“Worried? But…”

“Yeah, worried! Since you decided to go after those dangerous guys”

“Don’t you trust me, Y/N? I’m Spiderman, I-“

“You’re Spiderman, and there’s a bird man trying to kill you, Pete. What if he did, huh? I was so scared that this time you wouldn’t come back, that-that-that…”

“Hey” Urgently, he put his hands on my upper arms and squeezed me fondly as his lips suddenly met with mine for just a second. Briefly yet passionately. “Calm down, breathe, I’m okay. I’m fine, see?”

It was only when he shut me up that I realized I was very close to hyperventilating. I had never been so scared in my entire life. Just thinking about losing Peter…

“Hey, c’mon, Y/N!” Peter gently smiled at me, trying to reassure me. “You see me, right? I’m right here, nothing happened to me, I’m alright”

I just nodded, feeling very weak all of a sudden. The scares that boy gave me…

“Sit down” His hands were still in my arms as he gingerly placed me on top of the bottom bunker bed. “And relax, it’s okay”

“I hate you so much for scaring me like this, Pete” I mumbled, heaving a big sigh as I felt myself calming down a little.

“I’m sorry!” He replied whole heartedly, even though he was moving to close the door so May didn’t see him in his suit. “I’m really sorry, but you don’t have to worry”

As soon as he sat down by my side, he shyly reached out to hold my hand. I appreciated the gesture and rested my head on his shoulder, sighing again.

I wanted to talk back to him, but I felt like he wouldn’t understand. I admired Peter so much for being Spiderman. He was so brave, so selfless and heroic. He was New York’s hero, even if for him it was kind of ordinary at this point to be friendly neighborhood Spiderman, but for me it wasn’t. It was so huge, so important, so great.

“Nothing’s gonna happen to me” Peter whispered, his thumb caressing the back of my hand. “I know what I’m doing”

“I know, Pete, but… it’s so huge” I wondered how he didn’t realize the way I looked at him, not only with so much love, but also admiration.

I adored Peter Parker as much as I loved Spiderman, and not just because they were the same person. But because they were two different parts of someone that I loved so much and that inspired me to be better myself.

“Hey, how about this?” To lighten the mood, his voice drastically changed from cautious and soft to cheerful and a bit more energetic. “Let’s go out! Take a walk, maybe grab some dinner? I would love to be with you for a while, I’ve missed you”

“You’re just saying that because you know it’s what I want to hear” I teased him a little, pulling away from his shoulder to look him in the eyes.

“No, I mean it!” His sweet brown eyes looked directly into mine. “Let’s go have some fun!”

“You got yourself a date, Parker” I smiled at him, feeling better already.

“Great” He squeezed my hand before he stood up. “Could you tell May that I’m home while I get dressed?”

“Wouldn’t she have noticed if you walked through the door?”

“Hopefully she was too busy doing something else to notice and I can use that as an excuse for sneaking in”

I chuckled, but let him put on some clothes –over his Spiderman suit, I assumed –while I stood up myself.

“Fine” I kissed him in the cheek and headed for the door.

Peter was already going through his clothes to choose something to wear. I looked over my shoulder to him, feeling so grateful that he had come back in one piece.

I couldn’t help myself, I went back to hug him once again. He chucked in amusement, but didn’t think twice to reciprocate by wrapping his arms around me as well. We lingered in the embrace for several minutes, just enjoying feeling each other so close.

I giggled when Peter playfully tickled my sides, squirming away so he would stop. He obliged and wrapped me in a hug from behind instead, resting his chin on my shoulder. Then he pecked my cheek, the smile still plastered on his lips.

“Peter…” I whined shyly, feeling self-conscious about being so affectionate in public. To be honest, he wasn’t usually like that but I guessed he was just trying to make me forget about before. And it worked.

Fondly chuckling, he positioned himself next to me and kindly held my hand in his. We smiled at each other and kept on walking.

“You have mustard on your face” Pete pointed my cheek. “From the hot dog”

“Oh, wait” I quickly wiped that spot off, hoping it was gone. “Now?”

“No, lower” He pointed to his own face to show the spot.

“Here?” I rested my fingers against the corner of my lip and wiped again when he nodded. “Now then?”

“Not quite”

“Where is it then?”

“Here”

I should have known and not fall for it. Peter then planted a sneaky little kiss on my lips, making me blush like crazy.

“Peter Parker…” I complained, flustered by his loving attentions and how adorable he was. When I looked back at him, he was blushing a little, but that bright smile lingered on his mouth.

I was too busy looking at him to watch where I was going, so I tripped. I twisted my ankle and lost balance. Before I knew, and even though I felt Peter fumbling and flailing around trying to catch me, I painfully landed on my knees. Since I was wearing shorts, I could feel how I scraped my skin.

“Sorry, Y/N!” Pete was kneeling next to me in an instant. “I tried to catch you, but I wasn’t fast enough to-to… I’m sorry! Are you okay?”

I stared at him, wincing and brushing my palms since they had broken the fall as well. They were scraped too, and covered in dirt form the filthy sidewalk.

“I think so…” I hissed through my teeth, feeling my knees burning and my ankle in pain as well. “My ankle hurts, but I think I’m okay”

Pete gingerly placed his hands against my legs, analyzing the damage. I looked too, and saw that I was bleeding a little since I had ripped most of the skin from my knees off.

“I’ll take you back and heal that, okay?” He mumbled nervously as he placed an arm around my waist. “We’re near my place, I’ll get you there in no time”

“Wait, get me?” Just as I spoke, he had placed his other arm under my legs and was lifting me up.

“Yeah, I’ll look at your ankle back home” How was he so okay with me being so clumsy? Especially when I was so mortified at that moment.

“I’m so clumsy…” I muttered while he carried me along the streets.

“Hey, it’s okay!” He smiled down at me. “It could have been worse”

“I’m fine, Pete” I babbled stupidly, hating to worry him and get his attention so focused in me over something so absurd. “You can put me down, I’m okay!”

“I don’t want you leaning on your bad ankle and making it worse” He sweetly smiled at me once again.

I just resigned myself and hid my face on his shoulder, waiting until we were finally back. Then we could get over it already.

May freaked out when she saw Peter walking in carrying me bridal style. We had to reassure her that it was nothing, but even then she rushed to get the first aid kit and Peter had to convince her to leave him to heal me. All that fuzz over a little fall.

Peter knelt down in front of me to take a look at my ankle as soon as he carefully sat me down on the bed. I sighed as I reluctantly let him work.

“I think your ankle’s fine” His hands gingerly palpated my ankle, looking up at me to see if I winced or complained, which I didn’t.

“I told you, I’m fine” I avoided his eyes. “It’s a bit sore, but I’m not hurt”

“Okay, now your knees” He went to get the first aid kit, and I sighed tiredly before he came back.

The silence settled on the room as he kindly pressed a small piece of cotton doused in alcohol against my scraped knees. It sting a little, but I didn’t complain. Peter still blew on it to alleviate it.

“You’re very quiet” He suddenly piped up, staring up at me. “And you look upset, what’s wrong?”

“I just…” I dared to look into his eyes, even though I heaved a sigh. “I feel so stupid…”

“Why?” Peter whispered, nearly heartbroken.

“Because I’m so clumsy! This isn’t the first time I’ve embarrassed myself in front of you like this, Pete! And it probably won’t be the last one either” I had to avert my eyes when he frowned, not wanting to see the sadness reflected in his eyes.

It was always hard admitting one’s insecurities, but especially when it brought sadness to someone you loved. And Peter seemed to be unable to understand my reasoning.

“I think it’s pretty cute” He mumbled, and I caught a glimpse of a casual shrug.

“Is it cute when I fall and hurt myself?”

“No! Of course not, I don’t like you getting hurt! But when you get embarrassed it’s pretty cute”

I knew he was just trying to cheer me up and see the silver linings, but I wasn’t in the mood for that at the moment.

“But you get why I’m insecure about it, right? I’m just so stupid… It’s something stupid”

“Y/N” Peter curled up his finger under my chin and gently lifted it up so I would look back at him. “You’re clumsy, yeah, it’s one of your flaws. But I love you, flaws and all. Because it’s part of who you are, and I love you exactly how you are, clumsiness and all”

“You mean that?” I whispered, feeling tears of frustration arriving to my eyes.

“Every word of it” He nodded vehemently, letting go of my chin to rest his hands on my hips. “I wouldn’t change a thing about you, you’re perfect the way you are”

I chuckled through my tears, wiping them from the corner of my eyes before they could shed.

“So stop feeling insecure, okay?” He briefly leaned forward to leave a loving and lingering kiss on my cheek. “You’re the coolest person I know, and I know Spiderman!”

“Shut up, Pete!” I giggled, lowering my glance, now flustered at his attempts.

“Are you okay now?”

“Yeah, now I am”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure”

“Great, let’s go back outside, sounds good?”

“Fine”

“Besides, now I have an excuse to hold you close to me so you don’t trip”

I softly slapped his chest as we both left the room. But I gladly snuggled to his side as we walked outside, his arm tightly wrapped around me.

I laughed at the Star Wars joke Ned said, even if Michelle rolled her eyes at us and our geekiness. I was wondering where Pete had went, but decided to be patient.

I entertained myself in looking around at the wonderful job that Liz and the rest of the homecoming committee had done. The gym looked better than ever, with all those lights and decorations. And people wore with their best dresses and suits, I myself had bought a beautiful red dress that Peter had complimented –and how ‘awesome’ I looked in it –many times.

Turning to Liz, I told her how amazing the gym looked and before we could continue the conversation, I saw Michelle do something that caught my attention. She was jokingly flipping someone off, and I knew that Peter had arrived.

As he arrived, he smiled at Liz and planted himself in front of me. I frowned when I noticed the expression on his face. He seemed, worried, scared, absent. Something bad must have happened.

“Pete?” I whispered, even though my voice could barely be heard over the loud music.

“Y/N…” I only saw his lips moving, didn’t hear his voice. “Y/N, I…”

“What’s wrong?” I urged him, taking him away from our friends to talk to him.

I noticed Ned staring at us, since he was the only one that knew Peter was Spiderman apart from myself. And we both had the feeling that whatever happened to him had to do with Spiderman.

“I’m sorry” He seemed to momentarily get out of his own thoughts as he locked eyes with me. “I’m so sorry, Y/N”

“Why? About… about what?” I urgently held his hands, concerned. “What happened, Pete?”

“I have to go” His eyes seemed absent as he looked at me with a sad frown. “I don’t have time, I need to go right now”

That said, he broke the contact and began running away from me. I had waited for that day for so long, looking forward to the moment when I’d go to the homecoming dance with Peter Parker. And he was standing me up without an explanation.

“Peter!” I shouted, loud enough for some people to turn around and watch.

I then sought Ned, and his eyes fell over me as well. Being Peter’s best friend and my own friend as well, he must have realized how I was feeling. Confused, worried, scared, insecure, angry, resentful. All at once, which was messing with me a little.

“I’ll go after him” Ned put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me as he hurried behind Peter.

I was left standing there for several seconds until Liz came by and asked me if I was okay. I brushed it off saying that Pete had to leave and got worried for a moment, but that I was relieved when Ned went with him. It was partially true, but that explanation was too simple for the complexity of the things that were happening and the emotions I was experiencing.

For the rest of the night, I tried to enjoy the dance with my remaining friends. Michelle, Liz and the rest were really fun, but I was having a hard time focusing on anything. I kept checking my phone to see if Peter or Ned called, but they didn’t. I hoped that meant they were both okay. Ned didn’t come back to the dance.

The days after I felt truly miserable. Ned and I felt distant for some reason, and things were even worse with Peter. It always looked like he wanted to approach me and talk to me, but he never did, he always hesitated and thought twice. It only worsened my insecurities.

I had developed a deep resentment towards them, especially towards Peter. It wasn’t logical, and it wasn’t permanent, but I was hurt. He knew how worried I got about him, how insecure I felt about myself, and he just left without telling me anything. He abandoned me just like that, even if he had reasons to. Couldn’t he have spared two more seconds to tell me ‘I have to go after the bad guy before he escapes’? I would have understood that, I wouldn’t have gotten mad. Worried, of course, but not angry.

The previous close and intimate relationship we had was gone, replaced by awkward glances and eventually avoiding each other. I felt worse than ever, noticing his absence, missing our moments together, dwelling on my own insecurities. Feeling terrible about both our situation and my own.

So I made up my mind, I was going to change it. Even if it was too late for Peter and I to figure things out, I needed a change. And so I committed to that resolution.

Time had passed, and things had been quite crazy and frantic at first until I got used to my day to day at the new Avengers compound. I still could hardly believe that none other than Tony Stark had given me a job there, helping Happy. It made me wonder if Peter told him about me, but I quickly dismissed that thought, not really wanting to think about my ex-boyfriend. Despite the fact that I had no resentment left and I was still fond of that boy.

But getting back to the job, it gave me the opportunity to meet the Avengers. And eventually, after being trained –mostly by Natasha Romanoff, also known as Black Widow herself –going with them to some missions and helping them as much as I could.

The relative tranquility of my new life was suddenly interrupted when Mr. Stark arrived, bringing a visitor. Just as I walked around the hallway after doing inventory for Happy, I noticed him walking with Peter Parker. And they were headed my way.

“Y/N” Mr. Stark greeted me with a head nod, which seemed to gather Peter’s attention as he hadn’t noticed me.

“Y/N?” The boy repeated, whipping his head so fast that he had to massage his neck. “What are you doing here?”

I paused for a second, realizing those were the first words we exchanged in months. He seemed to notice it too after being impulsive enough to talk without thinking, because he awkwardly looked away.

“Oh, so this is Y/N” Tony looked from Peter to me. “The Y/N, your Y/N”

Why… did it feel like Mr. Stark knew this would happen? Was he playing matchmaker? Was he trying to get us to talk? Or was this just a coincidence? His tone most definitely stated otherwise.

“Y-Yeah…” Peter babbled, unable to keep his eyes off me now. He was looking at me almost like before, with the same adoration and fondness, maybe even more.

“I’ll give you kids a moment to talk then” In a subtle not so subtle way, Tony pushed us closer to each other. “I have to talk to Happy anyway”

As soon as he had walked away, I self-consciously rested the folder I kept the inventory with against my chest and hugged it tight. I decided to talk first.

“I heard about your heroic deed the day of the dance” I mumbled, realizing I still had a tiny bit of resentment left even though I understood that Peter really had to go to save the day. “I suppose you’re here about Spiderman”

“That, yeah…” Peter nervously nibbled on his bottom lip. “Mr. Stark wanted to talk to me after that”

“Great” I was happy about him, I really was, especially since I overhead Tony saying something about ‘upgrading’ Spidey with a new suit. And I tried to say it cheerfully, I really did, but it turned out quite cold.

“So… what are you doing here?” His eyes briefly fell over the folder that I clutched to my chest, but quickly went up to my eyes.

“I work here” I rolled my eyes, being suddenly flustered about it. “I’m unofficial back up for the Avengers”

“R-Really?” Peter chuckled, causing us to lock eyes. “Me too, I guess”

I realized how I had subconsciously sought a way to be closer to Peter even if I was still trying to distance myself from him somehow. We were both in the same situation, secretly ‘working’ for Tony Stark and backing up the Avengers in the rare occasions in which they needed our help.

“Maybe I was trying to be special like you” I admitted, also telling myself so. “More like Spiderman”

I noticed the realization slowly arriving to his features, and he sighed tiredly. For a moment, he glued his glance to the floor, but after a few seconds he looked back at me.

“You were never supposed to compete with Spiderman” He said in a low voice, almost being in pain as he spoke. I knew he was somehow blaming himself for that.

“I know, and it wasn’t your fault” I sighed as well, feeling a weight being lifted from my shoulders after all that time. “But I wanted to, I admired you so much…”

“But Y/N… Peter Parker and Spiderman are different”

“Really? So you didn’t leave that day without your super suit?”

Peter gawked at the air, astonished by my sudden comment. I shrugged a little, taking importance out of it.

“Yeah, I know. Mr. Stark sometimes isn’t as secretive as he thinks”

“I never meant to…” Peter’s eyes were becoming watery. “I’m really sorry, Y/N, I really didn’t want you to feel like that”

“Look, Peter” I rested the folder against my legs instead, feeling suddenly fidgety and restless. “I’ve changed. In the time I’ve been working here I’ve… matured. The Avengers helped me realize some things, especially Mr. Rogers”

“I mean… he’s the oldest, right?” Peter joked, probably trying to hide the fact that he got emotional. “He’s gotta be... the wisest...”

He shook his head, embarrased about his goofy attempt. I smiled fondly, but continued talking nonetheless.

“I’m not mad at you, and I still care about you. I’ve gotten over most of my insecurities, I’m a different person now” I said it with the intention of showing him that I didn’t think like that anymore. Maybe I was still trying to reach Spiderman when I first started at the Avengers compound, but not anymore.

“Would you take me in again then?”

“W-What?”

“I… Really miss you, Y/N” His expression was that of a lost puppy, which was pretty adorable and irresistible. “We’d make a good team”

“You mean with Spiderman? Or with Peter Parker?” I tilted my head to the side, analyzing the shift in his expression.

He smiled a little, and his brown eyes sparkled with happiness.

“Both. After all, they’re the same person”

I smiled back, noticing he had realized I was right about that part. It felt like we had settled our differences, fixed everything that pulled us apart. It felt… reassuring, exhilarating.

“Okay, Parker” I leaned the folder against my ribs with one hand and wrapped my free one around his. “You got yourself a deal”

“Underoos!” Mr. Stark called him, and I was surprised when Peter walked his direction along with me, never letting go of my hand.

I noticed Tony looked at us with a little smirk, satisfied. He didn’t seem to mind that Peter was bringing me with him to have the private conversation with him.

“Just so you know” Peter whispered as we walked. “You’ve been always special like me”

#imagine #oneshot #spiderman #spiderman imagine #spiderman oneshot #marvel #marvel imagine #marvel oneshot #peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker oneshot #peter parker x reader #tom holland #holland #reader insert #requested #spiderman homecoming

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mikazukikannagisjourney · 5 years

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Know THYSELF: The Importance of Knowing who You are, and why this Matters

Subtitle: This super-long post also has some tips somewhere in the end =)

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well.

I was gonna post a spiritual log but I got guided to write this, after I reviewed my own stuff aka my natal birth chart, my human design and the gene keys I was born with. To be honest, knowing the self is probably, and in my opinion the best gift you can give your self, as well as others. Because truth be told, some of the most miffing people out there, (based on my experiences) are those who don’t know what they want, if they actually want want they want, or have no idea how to deal with personal issues and stuff because they don’t actually take time to get to know themselves. Inversely, some people are also annoying because they don’t know how to interact with other people, and are too caught-up im in their own worlds to even care or think that they may have hurt other people by being too-self-absorbed. Spoiler alert: I WAS and probably am still on this entire spectrum so I am not saying that I have transcended this whole dilemma and I am better than anyone else. Lol that would be a dream tho, not.

*If you click the links you can get your own charts generated, just add your birth date, exact birth time, and more or less exact birth location, if you wanna learn more stuff down the rabbit hole*

OK, now that the intro-ish stuff has been brought down with, I shall formally start this very long-ish post by writing stuff about why it is important to know your self.

Partial Self-awareness: The myth that you already know everything you know about yourself right now, but some part of you says otherwise.

Well, that sucks right? I mean, no matter how much you say you know what you want or you are completely sure about something major about your self, there is at least a 10% chance that you may have missed a spot. And this normally won’t make itself known until you start forming relationships outside of your own zone: friends, workmates or schoolmates, lovers, mentor-student relationships, even having pets or kids. Normally when we are by ourselves, at the very least we feel a bit more confidence, strength, even some self-love. Because we see ourselves through our own lenses, albeit tinted at times. However, once we start seeing ourselves through the eyes of other people, as well as getting stimuli that are often beyond our realm of control, we often get surprised, and we start acting out of character. And by that I mean out of the character that we thought we knew, in a negative way. Left unchecked, unassessed, or even ignored, this anger or frustration goes on to become triggering mechanisms that would eventually sap us of our good vibes, our zest for life, or even wanting to go out and get some sun, or moon, or stars. In really worst cases, not knowing the self fully can cause self-sabotage in the form of self-doubt, insecurities, jealousy, having zero initiatives, you know, stuff that can make or break relationships. And if you already invested a lot of emotional, financial, and whatever attachment to these things, losing them can really hurt like hell, which leads to more self-sabotaging behaviors, more ruined stuff, and so on. Like a gut-wreching death spiral that only sees death as an end goal.

But don’t worry, it’s not all doom and gloom, for if you know yourself fully, and chose to heal or change what needs to be changed: attitudes, beliefs, mindsets, perspectives, the stuff that relies on your own perceptions, then at least half of the issues become readily solved.

How?

By learning how to recognize patterns of behaviors and responses that were causing the self-sabotage in the first place, and doing stuff to change them so that instead of feeling down and worthless, you instead regain your self-composure, your balance, and most importantly, you become EMPOWERED. YOu grow to become a better version of yourself. See? I told you the importance of this cannot be stressed even more lol.

But seriously... You might start asking “How come I didn’t even know these?”

Well, actually, your conscious monkey brain doesn’t, but your deeper than an iceberg subconscious sure knows. Not that it’s smarter than your conscious or anything. It’s just more powerful though, because it has more storage capacity and won’t budge no matter how many times you do your affirmations or what. Not that I bash affirmations, goodness no, They’re very helpful with proper usage. But the subconscious mind is a lot thicker than your skull, and more often than not everything it has learned won’t just simply go away no matter how much motivational speeches or conscious affirmations you do. Well, for me and a whole bunch of people who bashed the Law of Attraction when we first tried it. Around 90-95% of the trial users lolol I am trying to make the mood happy here ok? Also don’t be angry at your subconscious mind, it’s the reason why you can sing sappy songs while riding a bike or driving your car. It’s also the reason why you could just start making pancakes without needing a book, assuming you have been cooking it all your life. It has some cool skills too, you know. But when it comes to chasing our dreams and our happiness, despite our best and intentioned efforts, the subconscious mind can either help us tremendously or be our biggest hater, basher, and even barrier and blockage.

This is because the subconscious mind has greater capacity, as well as a deeper connection to your outer world. It sucks to know and hear this but yes. After doing subliminals for 2 years and just now getting the hang of it and getting some harsh unwanted results due to my own unresolved issues,yes, this is a very painful truth. And this is where the idea of gaining power by knowing yourself comes to play.

Why?

So you can heal your own wounds. Resolve your own personal issues. Become closer and more connected with other people, in deeper ways. And most importantly, be a better person than ever before. All with the help of your subconscious mind.

*Quick reminder, the subconscious mind can be likened to a recorder. By itself it does only one thing: PLay recorded stuff. Unless you push “Record” in order to change a track in the tape (or memory card yeah I work with both types lolol), it can’t change the stuff that were already written on it, and it will only play whatever tracks are already recorded in it. Forever. Click here to learn more about this dual-sided nature of the subconscious mind and how such changes can affect our genetics, through DNA methylation. Trust me, we learned this stuff back in college and is only appearing out now.*

Yay, the first part of this post is already done! NOw let’s move on to the next two. I shall base my stuff on HUman Design because aside from it working for me, I haven’t seen anything like it that helped me learn even more about myself, amybe a lot deeper than getting natal birth charts. Not an expert but you can check the materials here. It’s one big rabbit hole if you wanna read more into it. You’ll need your human design chart though.

There are two ways of learning who we truly are: learn directly or indirectly.

1. Learning who the self is, directly.

*If you already got your human design chart, please check if you’re a Generator: Pure Generator or a Manifesting Generator (has the 20-34 channel connected, throat to sacral center aka the red square in the belly part of your diagram) because this is for you. All other types are in #2, but since this is for you to learn who you are, or who you are not, you can read this part too*

Well, that should be easy, right? Well, yeah, easy on paper, but not gonna lie it’s quite challenging to do in real life. BEcause learning how to do it involves a lot of taking risks, gaining new experiences, meeting new people, going to new places, and all that enrichment stuff. BAsically going out of your comfort zone. I’m not saying you should abandon all your core values here. But if you’re only not wanting to do something because you’re scared (i.e. you are uninitiated with meeting new people through dating apps) and not because you’re going against your personal values (i.e. being forced by a bunch of friends to go on a date with someone that harassed you when you already stood your ground and asserted yourself to this person), well the former is a component of your comfort zone and should be expanded, by all means.

Basically, just be open to new and expansion-making experiences. Doesn’t need to be grand. You can start with going back to old hobbies, adding new skillsets to those you already have, read books that you normally wouldn’t read, stuff like that. Or expand your current knowledge on what you already know.

You can also start from scratch, learn something new, or try out something that scares the heck out of you, like learning trigonometry or advanced calculus, or learning the mechanisms of cell-signalling cascades lolol not kidding there though. Meet new people in classes, events, or just try participating in online forums as a noob. Watch a movie that you didn’t wanna watch and never did because of all the bad reviews, but this time with an open mind and heart.

Or do someting cathartic, like CLEANING. Clean your house, clean your inboxes, clean your friends list, your phone contacts, and don’t forget to clean your mind of the subconscious garbage, because seriously that’s a lot more hard work than unfriending a bunch of people lolol but I am serious here. People uinderestimate the energizing effects of cleaning, because it literally removes energetic cords, it clears the energetic field (yours) and I have to tell you that as a person who just moved into a new place, seriously cleaning is both an annoying and a rewarding experience. It can help you assess your values in life, what matters most to you, and what makes you happy. Even before Marie Kondo started her stuff, I was already doing this since college. That was almost a lifetime ago. Dang I feel old, and fabulous lol.

But then you might ask, “WHy am I doing this, exactly?”

So you can learn what you like and don’t like. What gives you joy and what doesn’t. What makes you happy and what makes you feel effed up. Not that it gives a more solid self-identity, but rather it allows you to be fluid, and gives you a chance to be on both sides of the fence. So that you can give better opinions and suggestions. But at the same time also empathetic to the ideas of people on the other side of the fence. You can even be a better friend or lover or companion who can spread your joy and love, especially since Generators have the type of aura that is welcoming and energizing to others (my Projector friend told me so, she feels great after we had our gabfest and after I give her card readings. lolol shameless self-promo). Comprising roughly 70% something of the world’s population, if all of the generators consistently do their best in knowing who they truly are, miracles can happen, and there would be less annoyance and frustration, and more satisfaction in our daily lives. In turn, we get to channel more high vibrational energies to everyone else on the planet. As a Generator like you (I’m actually a Manifesting Generator, still same more or less), this is our gift: to share others our enduring strength by energizing ourselves as well as the people around us. Which is why seriously, now is the best time to be open on both sides because in the midst of all the current (and probably will only escalate more) chaos, you only need your inner guide, your personal compass, and knowing that you are confident with your choices because YOU had the actual experience only makes you even more powerful, because you can truly speak from the heart. Not everyone can do that, because the other people who are scared to take this leap just stay on one side for their entire lives. You’re born to be better and stronger than that, so just do it. (Or not, just trust your gut. We are gut peeps lolol no really, that’s part of our design) Also, based on your design (a defined aka solid sacral center, the square under the diamond shape) you have more than the usual capacity to endure, and to allow things to happen for you based on your gut instincts. Even when the going gets tough.

Additional important note: As Generators (the workforce of the world lol but yeah really), because our sacral centers are defined aka solid (especially when combined with a defined solar plexus center aka a yellow triangle at the right side of the square) this means that we innately have a strong sense of self: who we are and what we want, or don’t want. Or we don’t easily get influenced, even if we were conditioned to be. Thus, our power lies in knowing who we are, and knowing who we are gives us consistency, reliability, and ultimately satisfaction in our choices and decisions. That is how we generate our power, by following our gut feelings and following through till we complete our task or goal. After finishing it beautifully as expected (of us lol), it gives us a wonderful sense of completion, and it makes us feel great about ourselves. We trust ourselves better. And this is a form of self-mastery that can really give you peace. However, self-doubt, not following through, or not asserting ourselves takes away our precious power, which leaves us drained, exhausted, burnt-out, angry and frustrated, well, basically stuff that leads to depression and not to mention a really weak physique, and we really need to have a strong body for all of our motor centers aka the stuff that helps make things happen) to be at tip-top shape. This whole shite happened to me way back because I just kept myself getting trampled even though I was already unhappy with my work and how I was being treated, all for the sake of getting some cash. I basically gave my power and self-worth away, and I ended up with a really horrible (now a somewhat chronic) back pain (I am currently having this condition as I type this now. It popped up due to my need to release anger, see previous Thought log lol) and even deeper depression. While it may take us a bit shorter time to recover compared to other types, it still sucks that we have to stay in recovery, and in a whole lot of pain. So preventing burnout by doing what we love (that’s where we get even more energies to do a whole truckload of work) and attaining a strong sense of self-satisfaction and self-love is really what we need to push ourselves towards self-improvement and to attain a more fulfilling and magical life.

Basically, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. That’s exactly my point.

2. Learning who the self is, indirectly

*Check your chart if you’re a Manifestor, a Projector, or a Reflector, this is for you. Sorry if the stuff won’t be as rich as the previous one since I have more experiences as a Generator, Also I based these on some Projectors I know lol haven’t met an actual Manifestor or Reflector they’re like around 9% and 1% of the population respectively, so if you’re either, please don’t hesitate to say HI. But if you’re a Generator, especially a Manifesting Generator, feel free to read lol*

So if you happen to read the entire segment on Generators, and you’re not one, I’ll give you a pat on the back (or hugs if you want), that was a lot of stuff to read. And it isn’t even for you. But ironically, if you happened to read it, then you just did some learning about yourself INDIRECTLY. TA-DAH!

But I am not making a bamboozle here. What I said was something that many people actually base or formulate their own opinions with. By interacting with others, they learn more about themselves by hearing many perspectives, churning them into their own brand of butter, and eventually formulating something out of it. Unless you’re a Manifestor, you just say the word and people make your butter lolol yeah really.

But seriously, for people with this method of learning about the self based on outside sources is even better and more effective than trying to figure out things on their own. Having the opinion or experiences of others (most-likely a Generator because there’s more of us lolol the power of Statistics) is a better option in learning (i.e. you watch what experts do instead of doing all of the available options out there by yourself) than trying out what works because having to do stuff through a process of trial and error can actually put an energetic strain on these three types. While Generators can do all of that trial and error thingy because of their scarily solid willpower and their strong energy centers aka the sacral center, because this is not defined aka clear and white as a ghost for Manifestors, Projectors and Reflector types, it means that whatever energies you already had will be readily depleted, and recovery can take a long time, even when you feel like you exerted only a little effort. Trust me when I say that what you did was more than enough if you felt like you just wanna lay down and sleep for the entire day, or week.

If you’re wondering how I had in idea on why this is so, well...

I don’t know about the other two types since I don’t personally know of any Manifestor or Reflector, but I guess having a Projector younger brother who gets exhausted playing games if he tries to figure stuff on his own and a Projector friend who gets easily drained after getting duped by other people to become a sounding board and later regrets it before ending up in a daze really helps me better understand open sacral center types a bit better. I just compare them to myself in similar situations, and assessing what happens to them after I give them a piece of my mind or whatever. For my brother, aside from watching video tutorials or reading GameFaqs (lol) based on whether I watched him play or not, just chatting with him while he slays demons, monsters, or whatever he’s playing at the moment sorta extends his play time by about 30mins at least compared to when I don’t appear around him to watch. He’s probably unaware though lolol BUt my Projector friend who is also one of my Soul Sisters and is quite familiar with Human Design (because I pushed her to get an overiew aka me explaining her chart to her and she actually realizing how legit the whole thing is lolol Manifesting Generator issues hahaha) actually tells me that each time we chat on the phone, she gets readily-grounded and energized, as well as having a better sense of herself after the call. I won’t exactly know if it’s because of me being a Generator who naturally does it, or because she gets free extended readings (lolol again, shameless self-promo here), or just the combination of getting her questions answered as well as getting her energetic fix. She just tells me that she feels depleted at the beginning of the call, after geting caught up and too-anxious on thinking what to do, why things happen, basically the mind starts running so fast But then she gets super-excited and revived during and before ending the call, because she receives clarity on what she needs to do, even if it makes no sense to me logically. And I weirdly after that can still go on and gab some more, I sometimes even do chores after that.

So what is the point of this segment about Projectors?

Well, it has two points:

Sometimes it is easier to walk the pavement than make it. Unless you’re a Manifestor who initiates things. But (then again, this just means that they’ll make the layout, the others will just do the manual labor) they can only do so much with their own power, and it would be a bit helpful for them to ask aid from other people like filling in the other “back-end” stuff that needs to be done aka follow through with the details. Being humble and telling people what you plan to do, how it can be done, and putting trust on other people that they will do it the best way they can with their power (because probably they’re Generators lol), can revitalize your energy and creative ideas. Same for Projectors, it is better to just create a plan, and assuming that people were already on board with your plan (because your abilities got recognized, your ideas didn’t get rejected and you felt great) to manage people who can do it through delegation and division of labor (they’re probably Generators because again, statistics lolol honestly I wanna be a Manifestor but nope), and just rest. Sorry, I can’t say much about Reflectors though, but I believe that they need a long time to ruminate things and decide, or else they’ll end up being disappointed with their choices and feeling even more disempowered.

Learning about other people’s opinions, knowledge and experiences can be rewarding because you not only learn about your own needs in a deeper sense through sifting and distilling of the information carefully, but also by having an idea on what makes the people around you tick. This can help you become really good at catching on their current states, which can improve your communication and rapport with them. It also makes them more receptive of you, especially if you’re a Manifestor because let’s face it, you can be quite intimidating and seem angry all the time (or so they say). It also saves the Projector a lot of disappointment due to rejection because they gain a better sense of not pushing their output into the faces of the people and instead waiting for the right chance aka getting recognized and invited by others to share their stuff. Trust me, a lot of people just wanna share their own unsolicited opinions and advices and while some can take the heat when rejected, others just cannot and it is hard for them to let go, to the point that they think it is a personal attack. Hint: it’s not.

In Conclusion: There is no right or wrong way to know more about your true self.

Any method can actually work for any type, just as long as you don’t feel threatened, compromised, or be under so much stress. Just remember to work with what you’re designed with: Generators can do the trial-and-error thingy, and Manifestors, Projectors and Reflectors can go for other people for their input and other kinds of information sharing so that a consensus can be reached aka you'll get to know better if something is for you or not based on whether you like it or not. Also, you don’t have to rush things (ahem, GENERATORS, AHEM), sometimes going with the flow is just as important as paddling, sometimes it’s even better and gives more magical results.

I hope this super long-post helped you in any way. I did whatever I can within my knowledge and intuition so that this post can be made. If even just one person helps this make their lives better, then this is all worth it.

Thank you very much for reading. Any comment, suggestions, even just a short reply are most welcome. If it helped you in any way, I would love to hear about it.

Be well always, and may you find the healing you seek.

With love and hugs from Source above,

三日月 🌙

Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: [email protected]

Thank you so much and be blessed!

#thought log on knowing the self #know thyself #why knowing who you are is very important #know yourself #how to know who you really are #learn who you truly are #learn who you are #know who you are #human design #generators #manifesting generators #projectors #reflectors #manifestors #human design generators #human design manifesting generators #human design manifestor #human design projector #human design reflector

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rontra · 7 years

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Hey Rontra. Sorry is this is too personal, but I was recently diagnosed with autism (high functioning) and even though it didn't tell me anything new per se, I've been trying to wrap my mind around it. Do you have any tips for getting through the transition period?

Hi there friend!Omg yeah getting th diagnosis can be super weird even if it’s not necessarily new information, I totally get what you mean lmao

Even tho it’s personal I don’t rly mind talking about it at all; just remember that this is a suuuuper individual experience and you might not relate to my thoughts on it at all–and that’s okay! I’m happy that you decided to ask for advice, but if mine doesn’t apply to you, that’s okay–and I’m sure there’s other posts out there that can add to this you might relate to more (but I’m on mobile so sadly can’t help much there djfhshs sorry). This kind of advice is hard because everyone’s so different xD ahhhhSpoilers: my tips are very mushy and sentimental ;9

But this DID get long so I’m gonna cut the post fbdbdhdhhs I’m very chatty ;v;

So for context’s sake: I was also diagnosed with autism relatively recently–at 20 years old (am 21 now). While I don’t know how old you are, I’ll assume that you’re an adult or close to it as well–which to me made the diagnosis feel really weird and time-displaced! Like I wasn’t “supposed” to be diagnosed so late, bc it’s “supposed” to be noticed in childhood and thus I’m somehow not “allowed” to relate with other autistic people (obviously, that’s not a correct line of thinking). I felt like, even though it totally makes sense and it’s def the appropriate diagnosis for me, it was weird–definitely difficult to sort of keep up and get my head around it. Everything in hindsight of my life makes 100% sense through this lens, and yet, it felt surreal. Not WRONG; but it was complex.

I think a lot of that stemmed from those two decades of suppressing the traits associated with my autism; things like downplaying or ignoring hypo- and hypersensitive sensory experiences, actively suppressing stims, and expending 90% of my day-to-day energy on just trying to slip “under the radar” in social interaction(let alone do well at it, God forbid). It wasn’t something I did out of conscious self loathing or anything like that; I actually assumed everyone grew up this way, and the world was just supposed to be a fuckin incomprehensible mess of unpleasant sounds and obscure subliminal social cues that people drop just for fun and sometimes things just swirl together into a big mess and you can’t focus and you can’t talk and this is just how the world IS. That we all grow up feeling like aliens and we’re all just pretending. That specific feeling wore off as I grew older and more prone to feeling directly isolated (so now IM the only alien), but the idea that “the world just Is Like This” stuck. It was HUGE to me when I realized that neurotypical people don’t usually relate to that mess. And, more importantly, that all this time-and-energy-consuming self-discipline was suddenly unnecessary, because those things had a reason and they had a meaning and they were mine. That’s weird. It’s good but it’s weird. To take in that those things have patterns and explanations and other people feel them too is overwhelming and beautiful and weird.

It’s weird as hell to feel like some kind of spy in a foreign country trying to blend in with a culture you don’t understand for 20 years, or some kinda alien, an animal in a cage doing tricks for a faceless crowd, only to have that moment where–it’s OKAY and things MAKE SENSE. It’s mine and it’s good and i don’t have to work so hard to be “like them” because I’m not. I can’t be.

I can’t be! Even when people call me (and you) things like “high functioning” it’s measuring my ability to be “like them”–which is something I can’t be. It’s measuring how I function compared to a neurotypical person, and it feels moot, because I’m NOT. It’s a measure of how good I am at pretending to be neurotypical. And guess what: after 20 years, I’m pretty damn good at it! :p

It makes sense, but it’s scary. Because I can finally get to know me, the autistic person–the person I’ve been subconsciously smothering for 20 years. That’s scary, and exciting, and comforting, all at once.

So after all that rambling, here’s one tip: lean into that. Hard. Indulge in something that makes you go “wow, this is pretty autistic” (whatever that might entail for YOU; I get really into obnoxiously elaborate organization systems for my hobby supplies, as one example) and just…let yourself enjoy it. Try a bunch of stim toys if you haven’t had the chance. Find a friend who has an hour or five to spare and tell them about your special interest, if you have one. Explore how you feel when you’re treating yourself to this kind of thing. Feel it all the way through. Take your time to get to know it.

I didn’t really go out and do research and look up more than I already knew–I focused way more on what I was feeling and how this new set of facts interwove with that, that it all made sense and for the first time I was in control of that and could indulge it consciously in a very pleasant way. I am more at peace than I have been in a long time because I’m expending less energy suppressing myself, while simultaneously spending more time being gentle to myself and indulging those autistic traits to bring an overall soothing. I think reviewing your own history and figuring out what makes your autism tick is super helpful in making you comfortable with it–finding what things appeal to you and utilizing those tools fully with the “armor” of your diagnosis. Before, I was often worried because “other people don’t do this” or “doing that is weird”–now, I do these things (stimming, accommodating for my sensory needs, etc) without feeling as bashful about it, because I know now that this is part of my experience with autism. I have that word, I have this diagnosis, and I can use that as my shield against those 20 years of pressure and shame. And if someone thinks my stim or my avoidance of certain touch IS weird–well, that’s their problem, lmfao. I spent 20 years suffering; I’m going to take full advantage of this new flourishing beauty.

To me, this experience isn’t about learning something new (as you said; it’s not new information)–but leaning into it and embracing what was there from the start. If you’re like me and have spent most of your life suppressing these things, indulging them may help you transition through the “whoa” into the “this is good” :p leaning into it HARD was def one of the best things I did hahahaha

another thing I did a lot was just reflection–I’ve spent a lot of time going over my own behaviors, reflecting on the past through this new lens, that kind of thing. I’ve been exploring my own mindset and how my brain works all over again, and connecting the dots to my diagnosis like some huge constellation chart, and it’s one of the most soothing things I’ve ever done. Maybe it’s because I’m big on organization :p Just kind of training myself to apply this new sexy word to it was important to me. To be able to say “oh, I do this thing because autism” or “hey I’m autistic too” and use these terms in a real way helped make the diagnosis and how it applies to me “real” to me as well.

People (neurotypical people, that is) talk to me about “acceptance” and “coming to terms with” and such–and they’re saying the right words but they don’t mean the right thing. They say it like I feel bad about autism. They’re saying it like autism is bad. It’s not. This wasn’t a difficult diagnosis to get–its not really one i struggled to cope with receiving. But they’re right that it is about acceptance, and it is about coming to terms–it’s just a far gentler thing with a different emotional starting point. I was learning from scratch how to take care of myself, with a whole new box of tools and terms to help me; it was flourishing, it was thriving. It was not a scary new disease or some threatening Autism $peaks rhetoric; it was merely understanding, and accepting, and giving myself positive things I’ve been keeping away for too many years.

Step 1 to managing my difficulties is understanding them. Step 2 is being kind.

Upon receiving this diagnosis, things may simply seem to make a lot of sense. Maybe you don’t really feel like it’s a “big deal” the way people around you seem to. It might just be that perfect moment when a puzzle piece clicks into place and it was always meant to be there. That dissonance between other people’s behavior and how you feel might be confusing too (I had this!).

Now, you probably understand things in a new light. It’s a good thing to become closer with yourself. Be nice to yourself and explore your experience of the world with a new light–you don’t necessarily have to do anything huge with that new info, but acknowledging it and naming its root and learning to use it to be kind to yourself in the future is cool. Don’t pretend like it isn’t there; name it, in your head, when you notice a trait in yourself that stems from it. Let yourself know what those things are and what they come from, and make adjustments where necessary to accommodate them. Be kind to yourself and don’t worry.

It’s good. You are good. You have always been good. Thank you.

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