#i need to get at least 8 hours of sleep as discussed with therapist

[bumpycap]

warning don't hit the button if you don't want to see possible cringe. definite cringe. hate myself for worrying, it's not that bad.

been zoned out for so long I didn't realize

I sit with the TV off, an unusual silence save for the sound of hushed arguing, I didn't realize

I'd tuned everything out, and now it seems like I don't care enough to be made aware of the true state of the situation

are we good? are we okay? I need to know, both of them argue constantly about money and such. it's so tiring, when they tell me everything is okay, but it really seems like the dam might be starting to crack from where I stand. so stressed, not knowing if it's actually cracking, or just my imagination, my mind overexaggerating things. it usually does.

[carnationcreation]

Safe haven (Will Byers x reader)

Masterlist

Prompt/summary: Reader is new in town and gets trapped in the upside down with Will

Word Count: 1,988

Warnings: Kidnapping (if you can call it that), mentions of PTSD, trauma bonding, etc.

Hawkins, Indiana was definitely a… strange town. I could never really pinpoint what made me think that but somewhere in the back of my mind that is just how I would describe it. Adjusting to a new life in a town that made me vaguely uncomfortable was not how I pictured my middle school years to finish up.

The move came as a surprise. With my dad getting a job at Hawkins lab my mom and I didn’t really have a choice but to move with him. After about a week of unpacking my mom finally got a job at the local newspaper as a secretary.

My science class was definitely interesting. Mr. Clarke was an enthusiastic teacher who really only taught to the four boys sitting up front, the rest just seemed like background characters. Everyone realized that they could get away with raising their hand only once a day and sometimes even less than that. Regardless of if the answer was correct or not Mr. Clarke would take that as participation and wouldn’t really force anyone to talk after that. Being the new kid that was amazing.

When I wasn’t at school I was either one of two places. One being at the office with my mom, or two blowing my allowance money at the arcade. Tonight was arcade night. Mom stayed late to finish up some last minute papers while I spent 2 hours playing Dig Doug and stuffing my face with chilli dogs from the concession stand. I even made the top score tonight. Before I knew it the clock finally hit 8:30 signalling closing time. I grabbed my bike off the rack and began my ride home.

The ride home was dark. My bike lamp was out so I tried to use the flashlight I kept in my bag. Riding one handed was not fun. I could feel clouds forming leaving the moisture smell in the air.

I heard something behind me and soon enough Will Byers pulled up next to me, “Hey!” he shouted, “you ride through Mirkwood?”

“What?” I shouted back.

“This road is called Mirkwood by the locals, where’s your house?”

“Just beyond the ridge, my dad works at the lab” I said, his bike lamp was now illuminating the way so I put my flashlight into my front basket.

“I didn’t even know you lived that close to me,” he smiled.

“Me neither.”

Just then Will’s lamp started flickering. We both jolted on our bikes trying to adjust to the darkness. Right as we started up the hill a tall lanky figure appeared in front of us. We both swerved to the right. We sped down a hill and into a ditch. My bike crashed into a try sending my flying onto my back. For a second I laid there trying to regain the wind that was knocked out of me.

“(Y/n)! Come on we gotta get out of here!” Will said. He pulled me to my feet and we began to run through the woods. Tripping over tree limbs and stumbling over rocks.

“My house is right over here,” he yelled.

We ran inside. Turning the lock and the deadbolt before he grabbed my hand and pulled me to the back. “Johnathan? Mom?”

His dog continued to bark. Will grabbed the phone and tried to dial 911, but a loud static sound was heard even from where I stood. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed the sharpest knife out of the block. A loud bang was heard at the front door and Will dropped the phone.

“There’s a gun out back,” Will said.

We barricaded the shed door as much as we could, Will fumbled with the rifle but soon had one in the chamber and pointing at the door. I gripped the knife so tight my knuckles went white.

A strange gurgling was heard behind us.

As we turned around, there it was.

We were gone before we could react.

________________________________________________

We woke up in the woods.

Not in the same woods we ran through, but I swear it was the same one just… dark. The same feeling I got in the back of my head walking through town. Random particles flew through the air. Spores? Dust?

Will groaned from beside me.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“I think so.”

From ahead was the same gurgling we heard last night.

“What do we do?” I asked.

“Run.”

________________________________________________

We ran.

For 2 days we ran. Breaking into gas stations and the grocery store to hide and steal food when we could. Everything tasted bland or stale. We stashed water bottles in our backpacks along with chips and granola bars. Taking turns sleeping and staying on the move.

It was terrifying.

Every single noise felt like it was my last moment alive. Every movement out of the corner of my eyes made me jump. When I could sleep it felt like I hadn’t at all. We never got a good look at that, well, thing, that took us. All we knew is that it was huge and dangerous. The tentacles tried to grab us but we dodged as much as we could.

It was so cold we would sleep in the same sleeping bag we found. Any embarrassment went out the door due to me almost getting frostbite on my toes. We took shifts sleeping when we could. I think Will let me sleep longer than our agreed time but I never said anything. It made me feel selfish.

Sometimes when we thought it was safe we would talk. Anything that came to mind we would discuss, trying to make it feel like we weren’t being hunted by a creature in a strange world we didn’t know. We talked about music, books, science, video games. Anything.

“Do you think they’re looking for us?” I asked. Will shifted so he could look down at me. My head was on his shoulder and his arm was around me. The ground was hard under us but I felt the most comfortable I could be at that moment.

“Well, I think so. My mom always tells us how she loves us more than anything, and Johnathan is the only brother I have. What about you?”

“My dad isn’t around much, my mom tries her best to make my life seem normal but it doesn’t always work out. I know she’s probably tearing up the town trying to find out where I am. Oh gosh I hope she doesn’t think I ran away.”

“Our bikes were left in the woods, I think they would’ve found them by now. How long has it been?” Will said, he stretched his right arm out to place behind his head as a pillow.

“A few days at least,” I said before I yawned loudly.

Will smiled, “Get some rest, I’ll take first watch.”

I pressed my nose towards his shoulder to hide my smile. Just as I began to drift off the words popped into my head. He’s my safe haven.

We were exhausted.

I think that was part of the creature's game. It wanted us to run and wear ourselves out so it could kill us easier. I tried to fight that theory with everything I could. I stocked energy drinks when we could find them, we made coffee one night to drink the next morning, anything we could to give us enough energy to run the next day.

But it wasn't enough.

________________________________________________

It finally got us.

All that running just made us fall into its trap.

Watching Will get picked up by the tentacles and dragged away from me played over in my mind. The last thing I remembered was the thing shoving some sort of gross tube down my throat. And now it just feels like I’m lucid dreaming. I saw my house, not the one in Hawkins but the one I lived in before we moved. My family was inside. I thought I was safe yet I still felt that feeling in the back of my brain. That’s when they attacked me.

The nightmares only got worse from there.

I felt myself slowly slipping away. Like a battery in my brain was slowly being drained. I fought to keep dreaming but I was getting flooded with the exhaustion and the want to give up.

Where was Will? I just wanted to be back in the sleeping bag with him. I wanted to feel his arms around me and his slow breathing in my ear.

I felt something being ripped out of me. My lungs felt like I was underwater. I felt someone pressing on my chest and I woke up coughing. I sputtered, gasped, and cried as I was lifted into someone's arms.

“(Y/n)? This is police chief Hopper. You’re safe now.”

He looked familiar. I racked my brain trying to think of where I saw him but I only had one thought on my mind. Hopper placed an oxygen mask over my face.

“Will?” I gasped out. My chest still hurt.

“He’s right here,” a woman said, she had him cradled in his arms.

I reached out to him. I needed to make sure he was still there. That this wasn’t a nightmare.

He grabbed on to my hand.

“Please don’t let go,” I sobbed.

“I promise,” he said.

And he didn’t.

Not when we were put into the car, not when we got to the hospital, not even when we were being treated. The adults just left us alone. We were put in two beds as close together as possible. At one point a doctor came in to take my vidals and tried to pull me away from him, I don’t know exactly why but I broke down. Another doctor came in and explained something about trauma bonding and PTSD.

My parents came to see me. Dad didn’t look too happy about me holding hands with a boy, but he still didn’t say anything. Apparently he quit his job at the lab.

Weeks passed by in an instant. The nightmares never stopped but they did get better. Will showed me castle Byers and we often went there after I asked him over the radio. His friends accepted the fact that I would hang around since I never wanted to be far from the Byers boy.

At one point Mike pulled me to the side, “Thank you for keeping him alive.”

“We kept each other alive.”

I never got to meet El. Which was a shame because I’d always wanted to meet a real life Jedi. But as time went on she became an afterthought. My mind stayed focussed on school and the next time I’d get to see Will again. I slowly managed to deal with my separation anxiety (as my therapist called it) and began doing my own thing most days, but I was still over at the Byers house as often as possible.

“Do you think they’ll stop?”

“Stop what?” I asked.

“The nightmares,” Will said, “Do you think they’ll stop?”

I sat the comic book I was reading down on my lap and sighed, “Maybe one day, for now I’m just so thankful that we’re alive they don’t bother me as much.”

“Can I say something?”

I looked in confusion, “You can tell me anything Will.”

“I think-” he coughed into his hand, “I think… I’m in love with you.”

I wasn’t surprised but was still left speechless. I scooted closer to him on the bed.

And we kissed.

After that, I knew there was gonna be no one else but him. No one else who will ever know what I went through, no one else who will know how I need to be held after I had a nightmare, no one else that can calm the racing thoughts I’ve had since November 6th, and no one else I would want to face the fear of something as new as relationships.

He was my safe haven.

[lovesaadiqa]

BBL Costs, Prep + Recovery

Im booked!!  I talked to a few friends who I know either got this surgery or is getting this done.  I wanted one since forever but I wanted my teeth done first.  The deciding factor came down to my birthday plans.  

Originally I was going to do a birthday tour.  First weekend of October in Miami for carnival, 2nd weekend in Atl for Freak Nik, 3rd weekend in Bahamas and finally Nola for the finale.  Well Nola was just hit with a storm so yeah that’s out. Once I totaled up the flights, hotels, food and spending money.. I was like hmm, I can get a fat ass and started this process.  Immediately looked into surgeon and Dr. Pena was my favorite, his bodies come out so mf snatched, he’s located in Columbia.  Columbian surgeons can take out way more fat than American doctors however, the fatality rate is stupid and ultimately the factor that made me choose an American doctor.  

The next step was choosing the surgeon for the body I have and the one I want.  I weigh 151 and im 5′6″ I’m considered a “skinny bbl”.  I started researching doctors in Atlanta (so I could recover at home) and Miami (like duh).  I chose to go with Dr. Desouza in Miami with CG Cosmetics for a few reasons.  First, I love the look of his skinny bbl’s on other women with the same body type, weight and height as me.  Secondly, he was having a special for the end of the year (lipo 360, bbl, jplasma for $6500 for the surgeon I wanted) this almost sold me but it was the surgery date!!  Jplasma is skin tightening procedure to help with loose skin, you can only get this with lipo.  When they perform lipo they created canals under your skin to remove the fat.. well those same canals are essential when getting Jplasma.

Ok so I decided on the surgeon, contacted the cosmetic group and had a consultation which is pretty much just front, side and back view pictures.. I think they use this to make sure you don’t need a tummy tuck prior to surgery.  They also asked me questions about previous surgeries and if i’ve ever had anesthesia.  The next step went pretty quickly, we talked about what would be lipo’d (abs, waist, back.. I wanted inner thighs, an additional 2k, but was advised to wait on my pre-op to decide), when I wanted to book and how I'd pay.  My consult was on August 30th.. I bitched up when she attempted to take my payment.  I am a money hoarder and spending that much money made me feel like I was being financially irresponsible.  I called one of my Aunt’s who I felt wouldn’t judge me and also give me sound advise.  We talked about my fears, why I was getting the procedure and of course money.  My Aunt gave me excellent advice, reassured me and is a professional CNA who offered to accompany me so yeah I dare not turn that down, lol.  August 31, 2021, I called my coordinator (the contact between me and my surgeon) and told her I wanted to book, she asked me when I’d be ready and I requested first available which was 9/20/21!! Excited is an understatement.. I'd be 24 days post op on my birthday.  After I calmed down I paid in full for multiple reasons:  had to in order to secure the date, all surgeries book in this year had to be paid in full, it was the only way to get the discount.. My coordinator gave me so much information I couldn’t see straight (I was also high as shit off life thinking about a fat ass and me in the same sentence).. she emailed + texted everything, congratulated me and we hung up.

I get the emails:  “raise you hemoglobin with these vitamins” I purchased vitamin C $2, folic acid $2, iron $3 and floradix $35 - amazon, I take them as directed on the bottle and start eating my ass off (just to give my surgeon more to work with, lol).  Talking to one of my gf’s I realize I have to be cleared for surgery?!?!  What?  I open my email and sure enough I have to have blood work done 15-20 prior to surgery, it was 9/3 and a Friday.. SHIT!! I fly over to an Piedmont Wellstreet urgent care facility as recommended by my friend (she started this process as well so I was crazy grateful for her experience and that she shared it with me).  Urgent care was full but opened the next day, my ass was in that line at 7:32 am, I was the 13th person in line and they opened at 8.  I get to the desk and my appointment is at 10:30 and I'd have to pay the office visit fee to be seen, it was $155.  I came back at my allotted time and was told how much all of my labs would be.. $302.  My labs were to be processed and faxed to my surgeon by 9/9 because Labor Day weekend so.. yeah.  

I discuss accommodations with my Aunt and realize it’s cheaper, safer and more beneficial for me to go to a recovery house.  I search high and low baby and most of them were booked.. found one regardless with lymphatic massages included called Flawless Recovery House.  This wasn’t my 1st-6th option but the one with availability on my surgery date so I paid a deposit to hold onto my spot.  Total was $1312 for 5 days with 5 massages, I paid a $200 deposit.  Next, I booked my flight, round trip $116 with Delta.  My surgery date is on a Monday, I have to have my pre-op done on the Saturday prior so I booked a hostel from the 18th-20th on booking.com for $66.  I know I could have gotten an airbnb or hotel room but I wanted this experience.  I want to go to Amsterdam and stay in a hostel so I need to know what to expect.  Also I cannot party, smoke, drink or eat before surgery so fuck it.. a hostel will do, lol. 

I smoke big fucking weed and watched someone else’s bbl journey today and realize if I fail the drug test, my surgery will be cancelled and it’ll cost me $1500 to reschedule.  Boy the shit sent me into panic mode like I've never experienced before, only to find out the weed isn’t the issue nicotine is, it slows down your heart rate.  I can smoke weed just not out of a wood or a rillo and nicotine takes 3-4 days to get out of your system so a bitch barely made it.  I just won't be smoking until I get back home lol.  Just to be super informative no alcohol, diabetic meds, cocaine, pcp or anything that will fool with your heart or makes your bleed.  Today is 9/11 and im one week out from my pre-op... my body is a joke cause I haven’t gained a single pound and normally it’s nothing for me to put on weight.  I took my acrylics off, when you’re put to sleep they monitor your oxygen levels with those clamps they put on your fingers and they aren't the most accurate when you have on dark polish or acrylics.  I also cannot wear lashes cause when they go to fill this ass in I'll be laying flat on my face.  I mean my hair didn’t have requirements but I figure since im naked I might as well be bald.. y'all should see me rn, I look very much like a young man but im hype.  I’ll be back later to tell y'all what I pack and purchase prior to my flight.  Imma put the dates at the end of each update.. today is 9/11/21

My surgery group send me list of supplies  that I would need and the cost came to roughly $1100.  Naive me was definitely going to purchase everything on the list from them until I saw Leslie’s (@prettyhaute - on ig) bbl vlog.  I went on amazon and got away with murder.  Below I’ll list what I purchased and the price I paid versus what the surgery center was quoting me.

Faja - I paid $74.69 - Quoted $160.50 || BBL Pillow - $26.99 - Qouted $42.80 || Arnica pills - $8.95 - Quoted $37.45 || Compression socks - $13.99 for 3 - Quoted $10.70 for 1 || Foams - $17.99 for 3 - Quoted $64.20 for 3 || Scar Cream  $$29.82 - Quoted $80.25 || Arnica Gel - $7.92 - Quoted $21.40 || 

There a shit ton of items on the suggested list that I didn't purchase but way more items that wasn’t on the list I still need for instance:

Crocs, benadryll, robe, adult diapers, straws, earplugs, liquid iv, stool softener, antiseptic body wash, avocado float, back board, urinal, pineapple juice, throat calm, 3 moo-moo’s and a massage roller (the crocs are the only thing on this list that cost more than $20).  My flight is at 7:15a tomorrow and im so damn nervous but excited.  I will spend Saturday and Sunday gallivanting around Miami and then body , ody, ody, ody, ody, ody.  I still have to send my entire itinerary to my aunt but I think im all set.  9/17/21

Pre-op was packed but I went on Saturday and was in and out in an hour.  I was charged for a covid $80, 3 post-op massages $150 and a drug test $20.  I went over my clearance paper work with a medical assistant who also took 9 before pics of me.  Keep in mind, your surgery can be cancelled or reschedule if all of you labs aren’t at the surgery center on pre-op day.  I cannot stress how important it is to take your labs with you!!!  Mine were faxed over from urgent care but I was also provided copies which I took with me.  The photos were sent directly to my surgeon to analyze before surgery.  From my knowledge, I was also to be fitted for my faja but that never happened, do NOT leave pre-op without a faja!!! I paid for 3 massages from CG totaling $150 which I regret badly.  I do NOT recommend getting massages from the surgery center.  There are 4-5 different surgeons performing surgeries on any given day and they do at minimum 4 surgeries per day, that’s at least 15-20 different girls with the same surgery and post-op date.  CG had 2 massage therapists to drain 15-20 girls.  I was drained for 9 mins, your drain massages should last at least 45 mins for maximum drainage.  I only used 1 of the 3 massages I paid for and was denied a refund.  That is a huge downside to CG once they have your money good fucking luck getting it back! Ps. Ellie was a royal fucking cunt!!!!!  She told my medical assistant that I didn’t need a faja so I was never fitted for one and woke up out of surgery with a binder on versus a faja like I should have.  I wanted to slap the shit out of her and took the charge on the chin but I wanted my surgery so I refrained.. I was put on a 12 hour fast and contacted an hour after pre-op with my surgery address and time.  My fast started at 7pm the day before surgery and my surgery time wa at 6:30a, there was a $300 for showing up to surgery late.  All I could bring to surgery was compression socks and a faja (that I didn’t have), I was instructed to bathe with dial (the orange one) before surgery to make sure my incisions weren’t infected, no lotion, perfume, deodorant, makeup, nails, lashes, no jewelry/piercing or hair products and no personals ie, purse money, wallet also you will need a companion or surgery will be cancelled.  I’ll upload all my paperwork at the end.   Surgery day arrive at the surgery center at 6:15 am how about the entire fucking staff was late!  Bitch I was outside in Miami alone with compression socks on and a moo moo, LIVID.  No one arrived until 7:10 am, baby I wanted to kill everyone but fuck it, it was go time.  I’m escorted to a room, changed into a paper gown, piss tested, my labs were reviewed again and finally my surgeon comes in!  We were in the exam room alone which was weird cause I was asshole naked but he kept it 1000% professional, he asked me what I wanted and I say “the fattest ass” he looked me dead in my eyes without a single hesitation and said “it’ll heal like a diaper”  LMAO.  I showed him areas that I wanted lipo’d to death and he marked me up, I didn’t aka e picture of my mark ups but shit was rolling by then, he walked out I put my paper gown back on and the anesthesiologist walked in.  I expressed my biggest concerns to him, I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to wake up during surgery.  He explain why the drug test was so important because certain street drugs will have adverse effect with the anesthesia.  My anesthesiologist walked me up to the surgery room and I hopped on the table, they put massage boots on both of my feet and inserted an iv, the mask was put on my face and my heart rate went to heaven, I wanted to shit myself bro.  The anesthesiologist told me to make a tight fist, I asked what time it was, 8:08am.. I woke up to a nurse helping me into a wheelchair with a binder around my waist and I was scream crying because my entire body ached, I didn't know where I was and the anesthesia is no hoe.  I was escorted to my recovery house’s transportation van and taken to my damn bed.  

I chose Flawlesss Recovery House with Ms. Opal.  I paid a $200 deposit before 2 weeks before surgery and the balance the day I left.  I opted for a 5 day stay.  I loved it there bro and couldn’t imagine trying to recover at a hotel or air bnb!  There were nurses there 24-7, I was roomed with one other girl but the house had a total of 4 bedrooms, one of which no one occupied and the door was always shut but my room was the only room with 2 beds, the others had 3 beds.  I had a call button, it was love, the nurses came expeditiously when I rang it.  They made 3 home cooked meals per day and I don’t eat meat, they accommodated me with no hesitation.  I loved it man.  So couple hours after surgery I attempted to use the bathroom on my own and blacked out, the anesthesia is really fucking strong and took an entire day to wear off (for me), the nurses helped me pee in a cup until then.  Post op day 9/21/21, I went in to make sure I looked good, got a faja finally and received that lousy as drain.  Back to the recovery house I was able to walk finally w/o passing out and in went my foams, I also could pee by myself with the use of a urinal.  I was constipated for 2 days, first bowel movement was on post op day 2. I paid for an independent massage therapist named Tatiana, she used a ultrasound machine to massage me so I cancelled her.  When I took my faja off for my massage it was washed and dried by the time I was done, I took a shower and put my faja on with my foams.  I cancelled Tatiana because don’t let nobody use no machine on you until you are at least 2 weeks post op, hand massages only.  All the girls were getting massaged by the literal best massage therapist (in my opinion) her name is Brittany, I could cry she was EVERYTHING, I was tender but she put the painful massage theory to bed!  She taught me how to drain myself and how to open my incisions without the q-tip looking thing.  In 45 mins she drained 5 of those doggy pad things worth of fluid off of me.  I received 4 massages in 5 days.  I left on Saturday 9/25/2021 on Sunday, back in Atlanta, I received my 5th massage and that when I was told I have not one but 2 seromas.  I swear on everything I love it was because everyone wakes up from surgery with a faja on but not me (Fuck you Ellie, lil bitch) I had on a binder (its what they use for tummy tucks).  The lady who did my 1st massage in Atlanta was Bri, not gone post her ig cause she did a damn good massage but when I asked her to syringe drain me the good sis stuck this long ass needle in my seroma but could get the fluid out, cancelled her too (the massage was good asf tho but nah).  Tired and tried I bit the bullet and booked a packed with Dream Body ($455 for 5 massage, I think, don’t quote me look it up on there site and follow them on ig)  because they are the biggest name in Atlanta, Jayda Wayda goes to them.  The  most painful massage yet, yes Michelle lil ass is so strong but she will get the fluid up off you.  She made me tear up bad and no matter how much I screamed or even tried to push her off of me she understood the assignment, Michelle helped me get back into my faja after my massage and told me my faja was too big and to have it altered.  She recommended a lady on ig @siri2sir but to know me is to know I altered my shit myself.  Allow me to tell y'all, I look good asf!!!!!!! 10/4/2021 

[tomhiddlestonfanfic]

A Step Too Far? Chapter Ten Merely a Setback

Ch. 1 - Ch. 2 - Ch. 3 - Ch. 4 - Ch. 5 - Ch. 6 - Ch. 7 - Ch. 8 - Ch. 9 - Ch. 10 - Ch. 11

TITLE: A Step Too Far? NUMBER OF CHAPTERS/ONE SHOT: 10/? WHICH TOM CHARACTER: Stepfather Tom OTHER CHARACTERS: Benedict Cumberbatch, Andrew Scott PAIRING: Tom/OFC, Benedict Cumberbatch/OFC GENRE: Drama, Hurt/Comfort

CHAPTER TEN Merely a Setback

For the first time since she started working at the office, Nina called in sick. Tom looked at her concernedly and took her temperature before he had to head off to work. She didn't have a fever and there was nothing physically wrong with her, she was just feeling like she couldn’t bring herself to get out of bed. The guilt was like a much too heavy weighted blanket over her.

Her mother came inside her room several times throughout the day, expressing her worry and trying to get her to eat or drink something. She even brought up one of Nina’s energy drinks from downstairs in hopes of getting her to ingest at least something other than some water along with her medications. But Nina just remained in bed all day, trying to sleep as much as possible. It was not a good day, and she just wanted it to be over.

When Tom came home from work, he had a colourful flower bouquet with him from Stina. There was a little card on it reading ‘Get well soon. Love, Stina.’

“I’ll put those in a vase for you,” Helena told her with a smile and soon came back with the flowers placed in an old vase that she had always been very careful with and only brought forward on special occasions.

“But that’s grandmother’s old vase, what if I break it?” Nina objected as her mother smilingly put down the antique vase on her bedside table.

“Darling, I want you to have it. That’s why I’ve been so careful with it all those years. Last I checked you are no longer throwing bouncing balls around the house, so you have nothing to worry about,” Helena assured her. Nina smiled briefly at the mention of bouncing balls. It had been a subject of discussion when she was a child not to throw bouncing balls around the house.

“Good old times,” Nina reminisced. “I believe I might still have some left somewhere. I’ll save them for Will for when he’s old enough.”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” her mother laughed and gently caressed her cheek. “It’s good to see you smile. Maybe you’ve just had an off day. Should we try turning it around?” she suggested.

“Okay,” Nina agreed and climbed out of bed. She went downstairs to hang out with Tom and the baby as her mother cooked dinner.

“Are you feeling any better?” Tom asked as she slumped down next to him on the sofa. He handed over the baby to her and the two siblings cuddled. He was barely awake and smiled one of his toothless smiles that made her heart melt.

“I love him so much,” Nina said, avoiding his question.

“So do I. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Tom told her sincerely.

“He’s the best thing that ever happened to me too. I want to see him grow up,” Nina said emotionally. She did want to see what kind of person her little brother would grow up to be, and she couldn’t do that if she decided to end her own life.

“It’s going to be amazing. We have so much to look forward to as a family,” Tom told her with a warm smile. “I’ll probably regret saying this, but I can’t wait until he gets old enough for you to teach him pranks. He’s going to love it.”

They continued to talk about the future, and Nina felt a sting of bad consciousness for having considered giving all of that up in a particularly dark moment.

“You know I’m here if you need to talk, right? About anything at all,” Tom told her earnestly and she smiled gratefully at him. “I’ve noticed that there’s been something weighing you down lately. I wish you would talk to someone about it.”

“You want me to see a psychologist,” Nina concluded.

“I’ve been recommended one. He’s english speaking, but you don’t mind that, do you?” Tom asked.

“Who recommended him and why?” Nina asked suspiciously.

“Andrew mentioned that he and Josef had seen a therapist, and that he strongly would recommend him if me or anyone I knew needed someone to talk to,” Tom explained. Nina nodded in response. During one of their numerous chats over the phone, Josef had actually mentioned that he and Andrew were seeing a couples therapist.

“Okay, I suppose I could give it a shot,” Nina agreed with a shrug. Perhaps she could come clean about her troubles to a therapist. It couldn’t hurt to try, now could it?

“Really?” Tom asked, seemingly expecting some more resistance from her. “I’ll call him right away,” he said, picking up his phone.

Tom left the room for some privacy and came back a couple of minutes later with a smile on his face. “He could see you tomorrow at nine,” he informed her.

“That’s early,” Nina sighed, having planned to sleep most of the day away.

“I take it you’re not planning on coming to work tomorrow either,” Tom assumed and looked at her thoughtfully.

“I still have a stomach ache,” Nina insisted and refocused her attention to her little brother. “Who’s a cute baby boy? You are. Oh, yes, you are.”

“I’ll make sure someone drives you there if I can’t do it myself. He has a home office and it’s a bit far to walk if you get there by bus,” Tom informed her. Nina didn’t have a driver’s license, so she couldn’t drive there herself, and her mother would rather not drive at all if she could avoid it.

“Okay, thanks,” Nina replied and smiled appreciatively at him. She felt both nervous and good about seeing a therapist, now that she had a real dilemma to talk about. In her earlier experiences with therapy, she had found it hard to put into words what exactly was wrong in her life. She had so many reasons to be happy and grateful, yet she wasn’t. Now she had something more substantial to talk about.

The next morning, Nina was woken up by her mother who told her to get dressed quickly so she wouldn’t be late for her therapy. Tom was outside in his car waiting for her. Newly awakened and confused, Nina quickly cleaned herself up in the bathroom before throwing some clothes on. She didn’t have time to apply any makeup or even brush her hair.

“Here, put your hair up,” her mother advised and handed her a hair elastic once she got downstairs. Nina put her hair up in a sloppy bun on her head and went to the fridge to grab an energy drink. “Perhaps he could hypnotise you into stop drinking those,” her mother told her humorously. Nina snorted at her mother’s comment before hurriedly heading out the door.

“Are you good to go?” Tom asked her and started the car. Nina nodded and grimaced slightly as she looked at herself in the rearview mirror. She didn’t like how she was looking without makeup on.

“I look like shit,” she muttered to herself.

“You look beautiful, as always,” Tom assured her. The drive to the therapist’s office went by rather quickly. “I’ll be back in an hour to pick you up,” Tom informed her before she reluctantly got out of the car.

Nina felt nervous as she slowly walked up to the house with the energy drink in her hand. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves before ringing the doorbell. She instantly regretted not putting on any makeup the moment she saw the handsome man who opened the door. He was surprisingly muscular for a therapist and quite tall, his hair was dark, his eyes greyish blue and he had a friendly smile on his perfectly chiseled face.

“You must be Nina,” the man greeted her and held out his hand towards her. She blushed as she moved the energy drink from her right hand to her left in order to shake his hand. “I’m Henry.”

“Hej, hi,” Nina mumbled awkwardly in response. Why did he have to be so excruciatingly hot? “I’m sorry I look like a disaster, I forgot to set an alarm,” she apologised once she noticed how nicely dressed he was in a blue checkered shirt, black tie, brown jacket and matching pants.

“You don’t need to apologise about your appearance,” Henry assured her and showed her to his office down the hall. “This way.”

Nina seated herself on the sofa and placed her energy drink on the coffee table as she watched Henry take the seat in the armchair opposite to her. “I can see that you already have something to drink,” he noted and motioned towards the energy drink on the table as he picked up the notepad and a pen from the coffee table. Nina nodded wordlessly and looked around the office which was decorated with dark wooden furniture and had a homey feel to it. It was a vast contrast to the mostly white and sterile therapist’s offices she had visited before.

“So Nina, would you like to tell me about what brings you here today?” Henry said and Nina sighed softly.

“I don’t know,” she replied, unsure if she was willing to tell him the truth about how much she had messed up her life lately. When the therapist looked at her thoughtfully through his black rimmed glasses, Nina added; “My mom and my stepfather thought I should go see a therapist, and someone recommended you.”

“I see,” the therapist replied. “So are you here only because your mother and stepfather wanted you to come here?” he wondered.

“That’s partly why,” Nina replied and searched her mind for what to say next. “I haven’t been feeling so good lately.”

“Would you like to elaborate what you mean when you say that you’ve not been feeling so good?” Henry requested as he looked at her with interest.

“Well, I’ve been feeling bad a lot lately… like, I’ve felt guilty and ashamed. I feel like I’m a horrible person.”

“Those are very difficult feelings to have,” Henry told her empathically. “Do you think those feelings are justified or may they be blown out of proportion?” he asked her as he took down some notes on his notepad.

“I think they are justified,” Nina admitted embarrassedly. “I wish they weren’t, but they are.”

“And why is that?” Henry questioned and looked at her inquiringly. She felt as though he was looking straight into her soul and instantly broke eye contact with him. She picked up her energy drink from the table and took a sip before putting it back down again. “I notice that my question is making you uncomfortable, so I’ll ask you about some other things instead. How would you describe your relationship with your mother?” 

“It’s alright I guess. We’ve always been pretty close, but I don’t feel like I can tell her everything, because I don’t want to make her worried. Especially now that she has to take care of my little brother. He’s only three weeks old,” Nina told him.

“Congratulations on getting a baby brother. What’s his name?” the therapist asked.

“Thanks. His name is William,” Nina said with a smile. “I was with them in the delivery room when he was born. It was the most powerful moment of my life.”

As they continued to talk about her family and her close relationships, Nina came to realise that the one she had been talking to the most about personal things lately was Tom. The hour went by quickly as they mapped out her social relationships and talked about each of the people she mentioned. It was nice, Nina thought to herself as she got herself ready to leave the office. Their chat had made her realise that she wasn’t as alone in the world as she sometimes felt. She had her mother, Tom, Stina, Jim and a whole bunch of other people she could contact if she wanted to go out for a coffee or beer. They decided together that she should take up contact with her father before their next meeting following week.

“How did it go?” Tom asked interestedly once she got in the car with him. Nina smiled at him and shrugged.

“It went well, I suppose. He gave me an assignment,” she told him.

“What was the assignment?” Tom asked curiously.

“That I should take up contact with my father. It’s been months since I last saw him,” Nina explained.

“That sounds like an excellent idea,” Tom said with a smile. He had always been the bigger person when it came to her father, who seemed to despise Tom for no other reason than that he was Nina’s stepfather and rich.

Nina smiled as she thought about her father who worked in a warehouse and despised the middle and upper class. He had divorced her mother when Nina was ten, but still seemed upset and jealous when Tom came into the picture when Nina had just turned eighteen. Her father had claimed that her mother only wanted Tom for his money, which she always thought was ridiculous since Tom had never been anything but a gentleman. Her mother would probably have fallen for his charms even if he had been poor.

“I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but when do you think you’ll be back to work?” Tom asked her as they approached their house.

“I suppose I could come back tomorrow,” Nina replied with a shrug.

“Really?” Tom asked, seemingly surprised by her answer.

“Yeah, I think I’m done feeling bad for myself,” she told him and made a slight grimace as she thought about her own behaviour of trying to shut out the rest of the world when what she really wanted was to be a part of it.

When she got home, Nina offered to take baby William out for a walk to let her mother have some rest. Her tired looking mother gratefully accepted the offer and Nina felt a sense of pride as she walked down the street with her little brother in the baby carriage. In the park, she saw other people in various ages playing with their children or walking around with baby carriages and strollers. She smiled to herself as she thought about how some people probably assumed that she was William’s mother. She imagined for a moment what it would be like to have a baby of her own, and that’s when she remembered that she had completely forgotten about the morning-after pill after having sex with Benedict.

With a sense of urgency, Nina went to the closest pharmacy and bought a morning-after pill. The pharmacists smiled at her and baby William, probably assuming that he was hers. Nina smiled proudly as they spoke softly to her little brother. She felt no need to correct anyone who thought he was her child.

When Nina got back home with William, she noticed that Tom’s car was in the driveway. She knew that he would sometimes come home during lunch breaks and smiled as she brought William with her inside.

“There you are,” Tom greeted them smilingly and carefully took the baby from Nina as she kicked off her shoes.

“How did it go? Is he hungry?” Helena asked, walking up to them.

“It went well. He slept most of the time, except for when we were at the pharmacy. He charmed everyone working there,” Nina informed her mother with a smile.

“That’s nice,” her mother replied with a smile as she reached out for her baby. “He’s sucking his hands, I think he’s hungry,” she told Tom who reluctantly handed over his son to her.

“What were you doing at the pharmacy?” Tom asked Nina once her mother had gone into the living room.

“Oh… I bought… caffeine pills,” Nina said slowly, grimacing slightly at how bad she was at coming up with a quick lie. She should never have mentioned the pharmacy.

“You shouldn’t take too much of those things,” Tom warned her, seemingly believing her lie. “You already ingest enough caffeine as it is in your energy drinks,” he said and held out his open hand towards her. “Give them to me.”

“N-no,” Nina huffed and took a step backwards.

“Why not? Are you hiding something?” Tom asked suspiciously. “If it’s ephedrine I-”

“It’s not ephedrine,” Nina sighed and took out the morning-after pill from her pocket. “Damn it, Tom,” she muttered.

“Oh,” Tom uttered once he saw what it was and blushed slightly. “I’m proud of you for taking responsibility.”

“Mhm,” Nina muttered and walked past him into the kitchen, where she grabbed an energy drink from the fridge to swallow down the morning-after pill with.

“I’m sorry for accusing you of taking ephedrine again,” Tom told her regretfully. “I just really care about you.”

“But you’ll throw me out if I start taking them again, how’s that caring?” Nina questioned irritably.

“I wouldn’t throw you out to live on the streets, but I would make sure to get you into rehab if you should need it,” Tom told her seriously. He crossed his arms as he watched her take the pill. “Did Jim come over yesterday?” he asked and Nina stared at him in horror. Was he onto her and Benedict? She frowned slightly as she shook her head. She had been alone in bed all day yesterday, which Tom would find out if he asked her mother about it.

“I met him on Monday, when I was out on a walk, if you necessarily have to know,” Nina told him brittly.

“I’m sorry if I upset you,” Tom apologised but kept looking at her inquiringly.

“Did you want to ask about anything else? What position we used perhaps? Or whether we had sex outdoors or not?” Nina questioned impudently.

Tom grimaced in response to her insolence and shook his head at her. “No, I was just thinking about something. Forget about it. It wasn’t about you,” Tom told her uncomfortably. “I brought you some lunch, we’re eating in the living room,” he informed her. Nina looked at him stubbornly. “It’s salad,” Tom added, causing her to smile a little. How could she possibly stay angry with him for being too inquisitive, when he was being so sweet?

Following day, Nina went to work with Tom. She yawned largely and leaned back in the passenger seat of the car with her eyes shut.

“I heard that Benedict shouted at you for misspelling his name,” Tom told her, causing her to open her eyes and look at him. “Does that have something to do with why you didn’t want to come to work?”

“A little bit,” Nina told him with a sigh as she recalled her fictive argument with Benedict.

“Well, I told him not to shout at you again, so you shouldn’t need to worry about that,” Tom assured her, causing her to blush in embarrassment for having caused Benedict trouble for something that didn’t even happen. “I also told him that if you need ‘a talking to’ about something, he should let me or Andrew take care of it.”

“Okay, thanks. You didn’t have to do that, but I appreciate it,” Nina replied awkwardly, and blushed slightly as she thought about how Andrew’s talking to’s tended to include spankings.

Benedict asked Nina to come to his office once during the day, and to her surprise, he insisted that she should leave the door open as they talked.

“I just wanted to apologise about what happened. I shouldn’t have ‘shouted’ at you,” Benedict said with emphasis on the word shouted. Nina felt like he was really apologizing about what had actually happened between them.

“And I shouldn’t have misspelt your name,” Nina replied with an embarrassed smile as she thought about how she had asked him to fuck her. Benedict grinned widely in response, seemingly relieved and held out his hand towards her.

“Are we good?” he asked and she took his hand and shook it.

“We’re good,” she replied. As long as they could keep things professional they were good, she thought.

The two days at work before the weekend went well. Nina and Benedict had only work-related conversations and she made sure to always keep a distance between them to prevent any physical contact. Benedict obviously noticed, she could tell by his slightly raised eyebrow when she took detours to avoid him as they walked past each other. But he didn’t say anything about it. At some point, he even seemed amused by her efforts to stay away from him.

The weekend came, and Nina had dinner over at her father’s apartment. They ordered food since he didn’t particularly enjoy cooking and watched some TV together. They didn’t talk much, but that was okay because they didn’t need words in order to enjoy each other’s company. After a quiet afternoon in her father’s company, Nina took a long walk home instead of taking the bus. Her father would have given her a ride if he hadn’t had beer with his dinner. He expressed that he felt bad for not driving her home, but she assured him that it was alright. She also told him that Tom usually had wine with dinner during the weekends in order to make him feel better about himself.

“Did you have a good time at your dad’s?” Helena asked Nina once she got back home. Nina nodded in response and gave her mother a hug as tears filled her eyes.

“He seemed so lonely, mom,” Nina confided in her mother. “I should probably visit him more often.”

“I bet he would like that,” her mother encouraged. “But remember that it’s not your responsibility to make sure he’s not alone. He’s a grownup and he can take care of himself.”

“I know,” Nina sighed. “But still. I wish he would be able to spend more time with friends when he’s sober and not only when he’s drunk.”

“Well, we are all different when it comes to those things,” Helena said with a hint of sadness in her eyes.

“I know,” Nina said again. They had had this conversation before. “I’ll try to visit him more often. Maybe we could watch a movie next time.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” her mother agreed with a brilliant smile.

The weekend went by quickly. Too quickly for Nina’s liking. It felt like the weekend had just arrived and now it was time for work again.

Ever since their date, Nina and Stina had lunch together on a pretty much daily basis during the work week. A waiter at their most frequented restaurant jokingly referred to them as the twins, since they dressed so similarly and almost always ordered the same kinds of food. Nina very much enjoyed Stina’s company for lunch and was relieved that Stina never once commented on when Nina didn’t finish her food. It was bad enough that Tom and Andrew both seemed to have the habit of monitoring her food and caffeine intake.

As they got back to the office after lunch, the phone rang and Nina smiled as she instantly recognised the voice at the other end. It was Josef.

“Hi, Nina. Do you have time to talk?” he asked and she gladly told him yes. “How are things going with Stina?” he asked curiously.

“It’s pretty good. We have lunch together every day now,” Nina replied as she habitually began sorting the mail.

“Have you decided on having a second date yet?” Josef wondered. Nina frowned slightly as she realised that she hadn’t given it a moment of thought. Perhaps she should ask for a second date. Or was she looking for something serious?

“I haven’t really given it much thought,” Nina admitted and glanced over at Stina who had busied herself with work the moment she got back to the office. “She sent me flowers when I was sick. It was very sweet of her.”

“That is indeed very sweet. I have a feeling that she’s a keeper, Nina. You should ask her out for a second date,” Josef advised.

“But what should we do?” Nina asked insecurely.

“What do you like to do Nina?” Josef wondered.

“Go for long walks and watch different series on my computer,” Nina replied.

“Hmm… I could work with that,” Josef said and went silent for a moment. “Perhaps you could go for a walk, have a picnic and then go home to start watching a new series together?”

“But don’t you think she might find it boring?” Nina questioned.

“Nina, listen up. The whole point of dating is to get to know each other better, is it not?” Josef asked her, but didn’t wait for her reply. “Doing things you enjoy is a great way for Stina to get to know you.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Nina agreed, feeling inspired to try asking Stina out for a second date. “Thanks for the advice.”

Nina smiled up at Andrew as he stopped by her desk. ‘Is it Josef?’ he mouthed and she nodded in response. He shook his head smilingly at her and motioned for her to give him the phone.

“Josef... Nina has important work to do, you can’t keep calling her like this,” he admonished in a soft voice. “I know she said it’s alright, but she really needs to hang up now… Yes, I can… No, I don’t think that’s approp- Because I’m her boss… Fine, I’ll ask her… Yeah, I love you too. Bye.” Andrew hung up the phone and crossed his arms as he looked at Nina with a playfully admonishing look. “Having private conversations during work time, are we?” he asked her amusedly.

“Sorry, I was going to hang up,” Nina told him guiltily.

“Good, about that. Josef asked me if you could give him your private number. I tried to tell him that it was inappropriate, but he insisted I should ask,” Andrew told her with a dejected smile. “Of course you don’t have to.”

“I would love to,” Nina replied gleefully. “I need to keep him updated on how things are going with Stina. He’s really good at giving advice.”

Andrew’s face lit up at her response. “He is good at giving advice,” he agreed, and glanced over at Stina who was sitting by her desk typing at her keyboard. “So you and Stina, huh?” he commented and smiled warmly at her. “As long as you keep it professional.”

“Of course we will,” Nina replied.

“No sex in the toilets,” Andrew whispered to her, causing her to blush deeply. He smirked at her before walking off to his office. As soon as he was out of sight, Nina got up from her seat and walked over to where Stina was sitting.

“Can I ask you something?” she asked, causing Stina to look up at her with a bright smile that reached her green eyes. She nodded wordlessly. “Would you like to go out on a date with me this Saturday?”

“I thought you would never ask,” Stina replied happily. “Yes, I do.”

“Great. I’ll give you the details once I’ve figured them out,” Nina told her with a smile before walking back to her desk. She couldn’t stop smiling to herself as she kept working. Now she felt like she had something important to look forward to. Perhaps her gloomy mood last week was merely a setback? Perhaps things would only get better from now on?

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

[toneelspeelster]

portraying trauma, a skam and remakes comparison

disclaimer: i’ll start this by saying this meta will be critical of the way wtfock portrayed their version of a traumatic experience (the gay bashing). if you do not want to engage with criticism on this, i’d advise you not to read. this will also discuss only a few versions (skam, druck, skam nl and wtfock) in particular because i didn’t want to make it too long and because i feel these versions deal with trauma in an interesting way. 

common reactions

in any case, i’d like to start with common reactions after experiencing a traumatic event, be it a sexual assault, emotional assault, physical assault etc.

1. anxiety and fear 2. re-experiencing of the trauma. 3. increased vigilance 4. avoidance 5. anger 6. guilt/shame 7. grief/depression 8. self image and view of the world is negative, trust is difficult. 9. difficulty with sexual relationships 10. substance abuse (i’d include negative coping mechanisms here too).  source

now, i mention this not because i think every remake hits these but rather because i want people to see what commonly happens after traumatic events to people and how wtfock in one instance (robbe/sander) misses the mark completely while in another (zoe) it actually sort of works. and how other remakes have dealt with the subject matter. 

first off: skam

to start with even’s traumatic experience and his response. i’m starting with even mostly because it’s the original series, not necessarily bc i think it’s the most elegant portrayal (bc it’s definitely not). but in essence, what it does show is the effect of a traumatic event in the long run. even’s experience at bakka, where he kissed one of his friends he had a crush on; who rejected him; even being in a manic episode; resulting in a suicide attempt and his self inforced isolation from his best friends by going to another school and ignoring their messages - it’s touched upon in his initial season but expanded in season 4. and still at least one year later, still even freezes up in fear immediately after seeing his friends. even is incredibly anxious; it’s clear he’s recalling past memories he’s been trying to avoid for forever; he feels immensely guilty (he wants to see elias, he really does, he just doesn’t know how) and even though i think even’s self image is not necessarily the result of this experience, it does have an even more negative effect on his self-image. even has difficulties liking himself, seeing worth in himself, even in season 4. after reconciling w him (however that even went we don’t know) he appears in one of their vlogs and still you can see how uncomfortable it makes him to talk about it. but, this is what it ends on: you see the strength of even reaching out to those he loves and for them being able to reach out to him too. in the end, it’s healing. it is discussed throughout the season.

 then, numbers two: druck and skam nl

i’m combining these two in one entry bc i feel like these two portrayals deal with the repercussions of traumatic experiences to the life of these two very well. 

first off, we have david, who came out as transgender at a previous school and was met with intense transphobic reactions; deadnaming, invasive personal questions and just generally awful treatment by people - it resulted in david feeling very unsafe, difficulties sleeping and hiding and running away in the hopes of avoiding these situations. it affects his world view of the world as unkind, and him forcing himself to be okay with being alone bc the only one he trusts is himself. he doesn’t let people too close (wanting to stay anonymous) and when matteo breaks up with sarah he runs bc matteo is getting too close. and then, it happens again. he’s outed on social media in his new school, having difficulties even doing his exams bc his teacher is being a transphobic dick and he’s scared of both him and the kids at school. he then, after staying with his godmother, hides himself away at an unsafe, abandoned pool and even staying there for a night. 

then, we have liv. earlier in her life, she’s implied to have had an eating disorder - a traumatic experience in itself. and although she seems very aware of her needing to be careful not to fall into those patterns again, it unfortunately does come to the front again when faced with the fact that she’s been sexually assaulted in her sleep and it’s been filmed without consent. as an eating disorder survivor, i’d say her body is already something she might have difficulties with. to combine that with sexual assault.. it results in liv isolating herself at home, resorting to doing her white(!) laundry multiple times in one week and her stress baking cookies only for her to give them to her roommates. her mum even asks her if she’s eating well - for a mother who seems emotionally and physically distant otherwise, liv must’ve not sounded well. even when she seems a little bit better, engel still comes over to check up on liv and cook for her. engel has similar ed experiences so she knows it’s not something that’s just gone one second to the next. 

these portrayals work well bc it is clear that their experiences have become a detriment to their view of the world and result in them resorting to very unhealthy coping mechanisms. they both clearly feel the loss of control, the triggering of (past) experiences; the avoidance and the isolation. liv feels immense shame, david feels immense anger and fear - they both have difficulties trusting people, even the ones they care about the most. 

but, in the end? 

david does let matteo subtly know where he is, bc he knows matteo will see him and find him. matteo calls him even out on it: you are not a damned vampire who needs to hide away, he says - something that david didn’t even see about himself until matteo told him. he finds support in matteo and all of his friends and his sister. he doesn’t need to be alone anymore. 

and liv? she tells her friends about her troubles eventually, and they support her wholeheartedly, telling her it’s not her fault and flashing boobs while doing so. liv finds the strength to confront her attacker and blackmailing him, and eventually her boyfriend tells her she needs to go to the police to report his brother. 

these are both david’s season-long storyline and liv’s multiple episode storyline (all her clips for the first week after her experience focus solely on this). it’s healing to see this happen to survivors of these experiences. 

as a ender: wtfock

i think it’s important to establish first that this is first and foremost about robbe/sander’s gay bashing. robbe and sander have been dating approximately three days when they are violently and verbally assaulted and seemingly left for dead in antwerp’s streets. the next episode makes a point of robbe and sander being hurt badly with bruises and cuts and black eyes, robbe doesn’t sleep much and is irritated quickly and sander has a very weird reaction to violence in general and doesn’t want to go to the police. later, robbe is scared that sander was put off by the idea of going to the police, that he felt forced. within that same first episode, robbe tells milan the true story and zoe a little off story and they react sympathetically, zoe even offering her doctor. robbe’s mum’s psych also refers him to a therapist and he calls her. 

but then the storyline, after episode 6? it ends? milan seems to weirdly reference it sometimes but it doesn’t come to any conclusion in the end. after reconciling sander and robbe have no trouble kissing in front of everyone. there’s no sense of robbe or sander having internalised a different world view after this experience. they even never discuss it ever again after that first week. robbe going to a therapist is not even shown or referenced at all, even with the opportunity being there with social media updates. there’s no real repercussions, except for loss of sleep and sander maybe sort of seeing it as a way of destroying something time and again but that’s more his world view bc of his mental illness i’d say. it’s a storyline for one episode, that’s it. and with how irresponsibly they portrayed it by not immediately showing them being alright or together or taken care off but waiting hours for an update, it triggered a hella lot of audience members instead. as a bisexual woman myself, i felt scared watching that. 

zoe’s storyline of having to testify even got more of an appropriate portrayal as she’s scared to testify and also feels pushed by the people who love her the most (milan and senne). her breaking up w senne feels more an actual genuine decision bc of messed up feelings about the whole situation (senne being quite... aggressive with how he approaches her about it sometimes.. it felt like he wanted it for himself mostly, not for her). her not being able to sleep and feeling exhausted, months after the actual traumatic experience happened. it has an effect on her and how she responds and how she makes decisions.

conclusion

experiences like these have repercussions. but apparently in belgium only sexual assault results in trauma. gay bashing doesn’t. it had no true purpose except to educate straight people about the plight of lgbt people being attacked violently. but, as people far more eloquent than i have said, why? homophobes will not watch this series and suddenly turn around. and the world is damned if people just don’t realise that beating up people is bad and shouldn’t happen. 

the true purpose of skam is to teach people of all kinds, and to show people of a certain minority, community or with same/different life experiences that there is hope, and a lot more to them than just what they have experienced. now even the good portrayals could have all benefitted from telling the audience that it’s good and okay to go to therapy about this... but at least they didn’t shy away from a storyline that shows how deep this runs for people. they devoted time to it.

and that’s all wtfock really needed to do if wanting to make a point by including this. they didn’t. it’s sensational fodder at best. and i think that the characters as well as the audience?

they deserved better than that. 

[kokoescoto]

Days leading up to our break up, Part 1:

4/8/21-4/10/21

We had an argument that escalated. Honestly, it wasn’t really an argument since I took no part in really arguing with you. You were upset because Milo peed on the floors upstairs, meanwhile I swear that did not just happen on my watch because part of the pee was dry. However you thought it was and reminded me that I was careless. How am I being careless? Would you prefer I not tell you he had an accident as if I am hiding it from you? Then I tell you he must have peed while we were gone and we didn’t notice it. You then call me a liar. You always call me a liar. This makes you even more upset with me because since you took the dogs out, I was expected to scoop out the house for any accidents. I will and did admit that I did not. However this was gasoline on a fire you were building.

I left you upstairs to clean the urine because all you did was call me names. I will not stand there for you to berate me. I went downstairs, and you came down shortly after and were irate because I was picking up the front room and you started yelling at me. I zone out because my body freezes in fight or flight situations. That’s what I learned from my therapist. This, Milo peeing upstairs, became something bigger. It upset you that I was cleaning, because to you I was going to half-ass it, and it was not going to be good enough. You asked if I was going to vacuum, I said no. I was honest. However this didn’t help my situation. I go to start the dishes and you say to stop because I am going to piss you off more. How am I supposed to do any housework if you are going to attack me when I do? I swear you enjoy being pissed off.

I remember telling you to not micromanage me, and that when I do clean or put anything away you have the see if I do it to your standards and when I don’t, you blow up. You say I don’t care about you or the house. You say I half ass everything. Why can’t you see that I genuinely try very hard to do things you want perfect, perfect? Perfect really is never enough for you. You will always find something wrong with me. You call me a teenager. You say that you're mothering me. I tell you I am not a teenager. You proceed to call me names. Half I do not remember anymore because it’s all just a blur. But I am trying to write this out so I never forget.

We are in the foray. You said “We’re done”. I stand there. I do not question this. I do not fight. Like I said, I freeze in conflict. I don’t know how to respond. I see this upsets you, but what am I to do? Beg? I will not beg. You then say “In a year I am going to sell the house and move far away from you”. You tell me “it’s over”. I continue to stand there, nearly speechless. However, I will not fight for a relationship that is “over” or “done”. Why make someone stay, if they cannot stand the sight of you? So I take you seriously. You tell me to sleep on the couch. I did. I slept.

The next morning, I am left with confusion. Are we actually broken up? Am I in denial of this? I don’t want to be that idiot who doesn’t get the memo that she is no longer wanted or needed anymore. I tell my sister. I need someone to talk to.

I came home from work. We do not speak. I go upstairs and do what I do best. Study.  I hear you come upstairs and to the bedroom. I mustered up the courage to confront the situation we were in. I know, this was probably bad timing as you were trying to sleep. But this doesn’t seem like something we should avoid. We have a car, animals and just have to talk this through if we really are going to separate. But you were upset that I bothered you while you napped which is justifiable. I ask “What’s going on?” and you say “we’re toast” and essentially blow me off and tell me to stop bothering you while you nap. Again, justifiable. I should have waited for a better time but this seems important. At least to me. For one, this was so hard to start talking about because then it was as if I was making this real but I was not wanting to face reality.

I’m still confused about whether we are actually separating or not. I don’t know what to do. How do people separate? I’ve never done this before. This is stressful. Once it got later in the night, I walked into the bedroom and you were just on your phone. I try to bring it up again, because I need clarification, are we actually broken up? I say, “If we are to separate, we need to discuss a lot”. You say “You didn’t want to talk about it last night, so why are you in a rush to talk about it now”. Now that I think about this statement, last night wasn’t really a time to talk about it. What you were saying were statements that were definitive.

We talked for what felt like a couple hours. I ask what we would do about the car. You say it’s mine. We talk about the animals. I am crying the whole time. You are not. You show almost no emotion. Yet, you say I am emotionless. We agree that I will take milo and that I am unable to take a cat because this would be difficult to finding living arrangements. I say I can go to my sisters and you say “No one needs to know until we sell the house”. This isn’t right to me. I refuse this. You say “no one needs to know our business”. I disagree with this. I say “am I supposed to sleep on the couch when your friend is in town?” You say “No, you’ll sleep in the bed with me”, so I say “Why would I do that if we are no longer a couple. I am not going to sleep in the same bed as you since we are no longer a couple”. I tell you I can stay with my sister. This upsets you. You say “we own a home together. “This is your home too”. “You don’t have to move out”. I say “Isn’t this what happens when people break up?” and you say “You can’t just move out like we are some college students who only were together for 2 years”. I don’t understand. You are essentially saying that I’m making this seem effortless and as if I don’t care but I do, like our 7 year long relationship is easy to just forget and move on. It is not.

I then ask you when you plan on taking off your ring. You say “why would I, I like my ring”. I say, “you shouldn’t have it on your ring finger, because that means you're in a committed relationship”. You say okay, “I’ll switch to my right hand”. I say “Maybe we can still be friends” and you say no. You wouldn’t want that and that you wouldn't ever date anyone again after me. I take off my ring. I put it away. You don’t notice. You ask me “are you happy because I am not happy” and I respond “I am not happy if you are not happy”. Then you ask, “do you want to be in a relationship” and I say “If you don’t want to be in a relationship with me, I don’t want to be in a relationship either”.  This upsets you because “you are not answering my questions”. However, I believe I am. Why would I be happy if you are not? Why would I want to be in a relationship if you do not want to be in a relationship. I see no reason to fight for a relationship when one side says they are done and want to move far away from me.  

It sounds like we are done. I leave the room. Lay on the couch. You text me to come up stairs. I am coming to terms that it is over. You say come upstairs. This reminds me of how you used to tell me to “come over” whenever you wanted me over in the middle of the night and I, young and in love would drop anything, sneak out to be with you. But no. This time i will not. I did not. I text back “Are you okay? Are the dogs misbehaving?” and you say no. You are okay. I don’t text back. I sleep. Barely.

Saturday. I am studying. I am ringless. I tell my friend. You come upstairs. Tying to touch me lovingly. I brush you off. You say what is wrong. I say we are not a couple. You look at my hand and say “you took your ring off”. You see I was on my phone and you ask if I have been texting my sister. I will not lie. “Yes, I told her what is going on”. She says no one should know our business and it upsets her that I told my sister. She becomes really angry and raises her voice. She says I shouldn’t talk to other people but Instead I should talk to her and tell her how I feel. Which is valid. Right? I do feel like I told her how I feel about this situation and she just isn’t listening. She continues to feel like I am leaving as if 7 years meant nothing to me.

Later she said, while we were getting tree removal quotes, “ Well, you’re leaving me”. I fold. I wasn’t leaving her. You chose to end us. But apparently I was leaving her. I was causing this break up. This break up was my decision. Why are saying it my fault now. Why are you saying it’s me who said they wanted to sell the house and move far away from you? Who said we were toast. Who said we are done and over? I tell her It wasn’t me who wanted to break up. I crawl back. I say “Clearly I need to do better, but you need to do better too if this is going to work”.

While at dinner she says I am the love of her life. That I am the one she wants to grow old with. She fills me up with loving words. Saying she will change. I cave. I tell her that since she doesn’t want to do couples therapy, that she should at least do individual therapy as she likely has some deep rooted issues to sort through. She agrees. She says she won’t change but for me she will try. I told her that she has to do 12 sessions and she negotiates to 2 sessions, so I say 6 sessions and then she counters with 5 sessions. I say okay. 5 sessions. It’s telling that I had to negotiate with her about this. Do you really want to change for me? If you did, you wouldn’t have negotiated this “action item”.

[takonei]

Beta AU - Main story, Chapter 3, daily life (Part 3)

Note of the author: I legit finished this chapter a few days ago but I wanna keep a regular update schedule.

Day 11 since the beginning of the game. 8:00 AM.

The morning announcement played, waking up Shuichi.

The motive the monokubs gave them was still on his mind. Even though the disease was very unpractical, why would anyone kill because of it?

He shook his head. Perhaps he could try to visit Rantaro after breakfast.

After getting dressed up, he left his room to go to the dining hall.

Almost everyone was already here, not counting the ‘hospital team’.

“Hey there! Did you sleep well?” Miu asked him.

Shuichi hummed, still a bit tired. “How are the others?”

“I gave the hospital team breakfast and they looked fine according to Rantaro.” she replied.

“And what about him?”

She sighed. “He says he’s fine but he looks really tired. I told him to get some sleep but he says he ‘already took a nap’.”

She clearly didn’t believe him. He probably lied so he wouldn’t be scolded by an overprotective Miu.

Who knows how much longer this is going to last. They could only hope the Monokubs would give them a break.

They finished breakfast in silence.

Shuichi decided to pay a visit to Rantaro.

After going to the fourth floor, he realized he didn’t hear a thing. He approached the corridor with the three rooms and noticed him sleeping on a chair. Or so he thought, because the medic immediately opened his eyes and turned to him.

“Hey there. Did you sleep well?” Rantaro asked.

Shuichi blinked. “Yes, what about you? You did have to take care of the others, did you even sleep?”

He chuckled. “Yes, yes I did. Well sort of. I’m pretty much trained to keep myself in a half-sleeping state. Of course it doesn’t help me rest as much as normal sleeping but at least I can keep an eye on those three in case something goes wrong.”

Shuichi was still a bit worried. “Are you planning on sleeping on a chair until the disease disappears?”

He shrugged. “I don’t think I’ll keep up alone for more than week at most. But I don’t think Monokuma will let us do nothing for an entire week. So either he’ll try to put a stop on the illness or...”

He trailed off, then sighed. “Please keep an eye on the others for me, okay?”

Shuichi nodded. “Count on us.”

By the sound of his voice, Rantaro really felt powerless over the situation. Of course he volunteered to take care of the patients, but he sounded almost sure that something was going to happen to the rest of the group.

Shuichi wanted to say everything was going to be okay, but seeing how he was right the last time he said something similar, he could only prepare for the worst.

He left the fourth floor, a part of him still hoping things would go their way.

Just as he entered the dining hall, he noticed Himiko talking to Miu, the former looking visibly worried.

“Listen, I know you’re worried about him and it’s really nice of you to go check on him, but Rantaro told me there’s still a risk if you stay in the corridor 10 hours of the day.” Miu said, arms crossed, a disappointed look on her face.

The petite girl slammed her palms on the table. “But I can’t leave him like this! He isn’t taking any of this well and I’m the only one he listens to!”

Shuichi felt like he came at the wrong moment.

Miu turned to him. Her gaze screamed “Help me. Please.”

He approached the two. “What... Happened?”

“Himiko stays way too much time in front of Kokichi’s door and Rantaro is worried there might be risks she gets the disease.”

“You guys don’t understand anything! You haven’t... You... He...” Himiko trailed off. “... He constantly panics about what the disease does to him... To them and to us... I try to tell him that everything’s okay but he says he can’t help it...”

Shuichi hummed, trying to think of a solution.

“Whenever Kaz felt sad or was made fun of at school, I cooked him a batch of cupcakes. It never failed to cheer him up.” Miu muttered, voice low. However she had a weak, nostalgic smile on her face.

“Cupcakes?” Himiko raised an eyebrow.

“Good idea! You two could make some, right?” Shuichi smiled.

The street artist crossed her arms confidently. “Walls aren’t my only canvas you know?”

“You know how to make cupcakes??” the astronomer asked her with wide eyes.

Miu laughed. “You underestimate me, twinkle! I’m more than capable of baking cakes!”

Himiko suddenly jumped to get to only a few centimetres from her face. “Then teach me!!”

Miu instinctively backed off. “Sheesh, twinkle! You’re determined aren’t you?”

Himiko’s gaze was intense, even though she wasn’t exactly intimidating.

Miu blinked a few times, then raised her hands like she was surrendering. “Alright, alright. You got me.”

She stood up and scratched Himiko’s head. “It’s decided! You’re coming with me and we’ll do the best cupcakes spooky boy has ever tasted!”

“Spooky boy?!?”

“What, you got a better nickname?”

“I just call him Kichi!”

“That’s a ‘you’ problem, I’m sticking to spooky boy!”

The two cheerfully bickered, Miu dragging Himiko to the kitchen. Shucihi smiled. It looked like the problem was solved.

Shuichi wasn’t really in the mood to do much this morning. He more or less knew what the others were doing.

Angie was finally talking to Kiyo in the courtyard.

Kaito and Keebo were once again in the warehouse for an attempted maintenance.

Kirumi was in her lab, probably making sure everything was still in place.

And finally, Miu and Himiko were baking their cupcakes.

He decided to go to his own lab to play some violin.

Stepping in the room was enough to make him feel guilty.

After all, his last audience consisted of both Kaede and Maki, who were now together in the afterlife.

He looked at the spot the two were sleeping at only a few days ago. Maki was resting on Kaede’s shoulder, their hands intertwined. They felt peaceful back then.

And then Maki, out of desperation accidentally killed Kaede when her goal was to make the two of them escape.

As much as he told himself this wasn’t his fault, the guilt wouldn’t go away. They had sent Maki to her death. A brutal death, that is.

He shook his head and grabbed the violin to try and make those thoughts go away.

Several music sheets were scattered across the floor. Was he always that messy?

He took one that was isolated from the rest and read the title.

“Autumn by Vivaldi... Why not?”

He placed the sheet on the desk, made sure the door was closed and started playing.

Playing violin was very relaxing, and Shuichi understood why Kaede was writing so much in her notebook when she was stressed.

When he finished the song he exhaled a deep breath and opened his eyes. He just needed the first few notes to remember the whole song, so not looking at the sheet wasn’t much of a problem.

He suddenly turned to the bench in front of him.

Kirumi was sitting here, silent. She clapped her hands once his eyes landed on hers.

“H-How long have you been watching?” Shuichi asked nervously.

“Not so long, do not worry. I was headed to the fourth floor to ask Rantaro if he had any preferences for lunch and I heard you playing so I thought I could pay a visit.” she replied, standing up. “You have a wonderful talent Shuichi. This really was pleasing to the ears.”

Shuichi blushed a little and scratched the back of his neck. “T-Thank you.”

“No need to thank me. I shall head to the fourth floor, but I look forward the next time you play a song.”

The violinist chuckled. “I don’t have much to do, so I’ll probably stay here for a while.”

“Well, Miu and Himiko are using the kitchen if I’m correct, so I might as well stay here when I’m done checking on the hospital team. If it doesn’t bother you of course.” she fiddled with a lock of hair.

“No, not at all! It’s just that I’m a bit surprised you like my music.” he shook his head.

Kirumi briefly smiled. “You are not the ultimate violinist for nothing, Shuichi.”

She left the lab to check on the others, as she said.

A few minutes later she came back, as Shuichi was going through different music sheets.

“You know, I had heard your name several times during my missions.” she explained.

“Huh? Really?”

She nodded. “Of course you never were the target some were paying me to kill. But I heard several times your name from high-ranking clients and targets.”

She let out a dry laugh. “Some of them joked about how I shouldn’t kill a violin legend like you even for an extremely high amount of money. Hypocrites.”

This sent a shiver down his spine. Even if Kirumi claimed no one wanted his death, the fact that the ultimate mercenary had the same clients as him was disturbing, to say the least.

“I see... Wait ‘hypocrites’?” he asked her.

“Those people are literally asking me not to kill someone for money and then pay me hundreds of thousands of yens to see their target dead.” Kirumi continued.

Shuichi had some trouble understanding her intentions.

“Um... If it’s not too personal... Why did you start this job?” he asked.

Kirumi’s expression didn’t change, but it was clear she wasn’t going to answer. “Unfortunately I can’t give you the full details for your safety. All I can tell you is that I wasn’t born in the best place in order to live a normal life.”

Shuichi nodded.

The two continued to switch between violin music and discussions about various topics, but avoiding talking about Kirumi’s life.

He didn’t want to know what would happen if he knew more about her, he just knew the consequences would not be pleasant for him.

-

Around noon, the others reunited to the dining hall to eat.

Miu and Himiko had finished the cupcakes, and from what Himiko said, Kokichi was confused at first because he didn’t know what a cupcake was, but was very grateful for the gesture.

Angie finally talked about her issues to Kiyo. However the therapist decided to keep those informations for himself, but assured Shuichi that things were going okay.

Keebo was still glitching from time to time, but Kaito managed to help him maintaining himself for the time being.

Afternoon came and as usual, the others went their own ways.

Angie decided to spend the afternoon locked in her lab doing sculpture.

Kiyo and Kaito were talking in the courtyard.

Keebo and Kirumi were in the latter’s lab to relax.

Himiko was again in front of Kokichi’s door.

Miu was walking around the casino, so Shuichi joined her.

“What’s up? You here to play?”

Shuichi shrugged. “I don’t really know, I mean some items from the machines are nice but I’m not looking for anything in particular...”

She scratched the top of his head and gave him a tap on the back. “Don’t sweat it! The more the merrier!”

The two joined the casino and played various games for a while.

After collecting a great amount of medals, they headed to the premium exchange counter. There were various weird items here, so they bought a bunch of not-that-necessary items for themselves or to offer.

Shuichi didn’t miss Miu getting a love key, even though she tried to hide it.

Even though the bar was devoid of people, they sat there to compare what they bought.

Miu examined the plant Shuichi had bought. “I wish I had time to take care of these... I already got a son and an artist career to maintain.”

He smiled. “Say, you look happier these days. I’m glad you manage your issues correctly.”

Her eyes widened for a second. “I’m... Just glad I managed to get back to my old mom habits.”

“You mean how you always prepare breakfast for the others and make sure the hospital team stays healthy?”

She blushed at the indirect mention of the Rantaro. “I-It’s nothing I- It’s just- It’s-” she stuttered, then groaned, putting her head in her crossed arms on the counter. “I can’t help it, I have to take care of someone or else I’m nervous.”

Shuichi gently tapped on her shoulder in comfort. “It’s alright, it’s not hurting anyone anyway.”

She put her head in her palms, elbows on the counter. “Yeah but doesn’t it feel weird for you guys that I’m starting to treat you like my own kids??”

The boy shrugged. “As long as you’re not the overly protective mom then I don’t mind. You said it helps you relax so I don’t see why you shouldn't do it.”

Miu weakly smiled and scratched his head. “... Thanks, Shuichi.”

“No problem.”

The two left the casino to join the others, since it was already starting to get dark. How long had they stayed here?

They quickly put the items they got in their dorms and returned to the main building.

When they arrived, everyone was either chatting in the dining hall, except Kirumi, who was preparing dinner.

Miu joined her to give her a hand, but was ordered to give the meals to the hospital team. She called Shuichi and the two brought the plates to the fourth floor.

Rantaro walked out of Ryoma’s room.

“Hello there.” he said.

“We got the meals!” Miu cheerfully announced.

He gave them a thumbs up. “Can you put mine in my lab like yesterday please?”

“I’ll do it. Thanks a lot for your service, Rantaro.” Shuichi said.

He left a plate to Miu and brought the other one to the medic’s lab.

When the girl came back to the dining hall, she explained to Shuichi that Rantaro usually waited until the others ate before doing so. Mostly to make sure they were actually eating.

The group had dinner peacefully and everyone parted their ways to the dorms, or stayed outside for a bit.

Shuichi returned to his room. he would usually talk to Rantaro, but since he was busy taking care of the others, he simply went to his room, having nothing to do.

He took a look back at the items he got. He placed the plant on the small table, read a bit of the travel journal and tried to understand how the strange card game he got worked.

He went to sleep, still worrying about the hospital team, but there wasn’t much he could do.

-

Day 12 since the beginning of the game. 7:20 AM.

Since Shuichi went to sleep early, he woke up earlier than expected.

After taking a quick shower and dressing up, he headed to the dining hall. Keebo was the only one there.

“Oh, good morning, Shuichi.” he said.

“Good morning... I suppose Kirumi and Miu are preparing breakfast?” he asked, taking a seat.

The robot nodded.

Just as Kirumi entered the dining hall, a plate of toast and a carafe of orange juice in hand, Monodam entered the room as well.

“...”

The three looked at the silent robotic bear. He was usually with his siblings, chanting their annoying catchphrase.

“Why are you here?” Kirumi coldly asked.

“YOU-GUYS-DID-NOT-GET-ALONG.”

Keebo frowned. “What are you saying?”

“ONE-OF-YOU-MADE-A-MESS-IN-THE-SHRINE-OF-JUDGEMENT. THIS-IS-NOT-GETTING-ALONG.”

The three looked at each other, worry growing inside them.

The bear left them without answering any questions.

Shuichi took a deep breath. “We should... Try to see what happened.”

Kirumi frowned. “I have a very bad feeling about this.”

He was almost certain something bad happened. Something really bad.

It looked like the other two thought the same, so they hurried to the shrine of judgement.

They opened the door.

A horrifying sight appeared before them.

On the ground, was scattered several blood stained sharp objects and hammers.

And in the middle of it, drowning in a pool of blood was the mangled, almost unrecognizable corpse...

... Of Himiko Yumeno, the ultimate astronomer.

[myemergence]

Rewrite the Stars 2/19

Chapter One

A/N: Used prompt # 49 from @promptbank Drabble Challenge over on Tumblr.

Enjoy!

***

Buck quickly slammed the door to his jeep shut as he arrived at the firehouse for his shift. In the midst of his dream turned nightmare from the previous night, he began to wake up nearly 25 minutes after his alarm had initially sounded. He knew the importance of arriving at the firehouse on time. He lowered his eyes to glance at his watch, rounding the corner to enter the building. 8:06.

“Oh, look who’s decided to join us,” Chim spoke as he spotted the younger firefighter entering the house.

Buck fought back the desire to roll his eyes at Chimney. “Can we not do this right now?” Chim held his hands up in submission, letting it slide.

Hen made her way over to Chimney and Buck, slapping Buck lightly on the shoulder. “Hey, Cap wants to see you upstairs.” With a look of resignation, Buck gave a small nod of his head before making his way up the steps to the kitchen of the firehouse where Captain Bobby Nash could be found the majority of the time.

“Morning Cap.”

“Buck.” Bobby studied Buck in silence for a short beat. “I could use some help getting breakfast ready this morning. Do you mind?”

A laugh escaped Buck’s lips before he was able to stop it. “You called me up here because you want me to help you cook? And then feed this meal to the rest of the firehouse that needs to be out there saving lives?” Bobby raised an eyebrow silently at Buck’s reaction, telling him that was exactly what he wanted. “Okay, what do you need me to do?”

“Can you carefully chop those veggies? The knife is right over there.” Bobby motioned. “We’re going to make some omelets.”

“Yeah, yeah I can do that,” Buck spoke after a brief pause, grabbing the knife and making his way over to the cutting board. He grabbed a green pepper to start with. Looking down he carefully cut the top of the pepper off. “Good news is if something does go awry, I know a good EMT or two.” Buck joked, expecting to at least get a small laugh out of the quip. But the corner of Bobby’s mouth barely lifted, hinting at a smile.

“Is everything okay, Buck?”

Buck paused for a moment before responding to his Captain, carefully slicing the pepper. “Bobby, if this is about me being late this morning-”

“That’s part of it.” Captain Nash admitted with a small nod of his head. “But there is more going on than oversleeping, isn’t there?”

Buck exhaled. “I’m not sure what you mean, Cap.”

“Exactly what it sounded like..” Bobby told Buck, chopping red potatoes for a moment before stopping and setting the knife down atop the cutting board. “Is there anything that you need to talk about?”

“No, there’s nothing.”

“Then we have ourselves a problem.” The older man spoke, watching as Buck set down his knife as well, turning to his Captain with a furrowed brow.

“I-I don’t understand. How exactly is it a problem that I don’t have anything to talk about? That there isn’t anything going on that I need to discuss?”

“Since you returned to duty five weeks ago you have been late a total of 7 times.” Bobby began, “I know that coming back to the firehouse has been an adjustment. Maybe it’s been too much, too soon.”

“Bobby, no. It’s not that at all. I am ready to be back here, I-I need to be back here.” Buck pleaded with a desperate intensity to his tone.

“Then let’s talk.” He said simply. “Grab a seat.” Bobby motioned to the table, washing his hands before moving to the table and sitting down. He watched Buck follow suit before he sat across from him at the table. “The truth. What is going on?”

Buck exhaled heavily as he ran his hands over his face, trying to gather his thoughts before talking to his Captain. Maybe he could make something up to satisfy him. But, if he didn’t buy it he could be causing even more damage and that was the last thing that he needed. It had taken Buck long enough to get cleared to return to the firehouse. Those months away while he was in recovery had been agonizing. “I’ve just-- I’ve been having a hard time sleeping.” There was a long pause as Buck waited for Bobby to say something. But he said nothing, just kept his eyes intent on Buck as he listened. “Since the tsunami.” He added, lowering his blue eyes to his eyes that rested uncomfortably in his lap. He had been doing such a good job keeping his emotions at bay, keeping everything in check over the last two months. And after last night of all nights, now he had to be dragging out his emotional baggage for Bobby.

“Have you seen anyone about this?”

“It’s not that serious, Bobby. I just haven’t been getting enough sleep. “ Buck promised.

“It’s not that simple. This isn’t you just strolling in late to an office job. You not being able to make it here on time, it affects people other than just you. It affects every single person in this firehouse. Especially the two times that we had to leave for a call down one because you weren’t here.”

Buck ran his hands through his hair roughly. “I know.” He carefully studied the table, running his thumb along the grain of the wood. “It’s just- since the tsunami, I’ve-” He let out a barely discernible sigh. “I’ve been having these nightmares, okay?”

“You went through hell and back during the tsunami. It’s normal to struggle.” Bobby told him, “But this is more than struggling just a little bit, isn’t it?” Buck nodded silently, his eyes still focused on the table as he felt his eyes welling with tears. He was not going to do this. He was not going to let him in, he was not going to cry in front of his Captain. But what if he didn’t let him in and Bobby took action because he wasn’t performing the way that he had been before his injury and before the tsunami? What if his entire career went up in flames over this?

“Every. Single. Night.” Buck spoke barely above a whisper, his voice breaking. “Every single night I have to relive the most terrifying moments of my life. Of losing Christopher. Of-of thinking, and believing that Christopher had died. For hours, not knowing what happened. After Eddie trusted me to take care of him.”

Bobby looked at him then, taking the time to really see him. The kid had been carrying this guilt with him for months now, never taking the time to deal with those feelings so that he was able to move past them. “Buck, what happened that day was not your fault. It was a natural disaster. You saved countless lives, including Christopher.”

Buck shook his head silently, wiping a stray tear away. “Okay, I saved him. And then I lost him.”

Realizing that he wasn’t getting anywhere, Bobby drummed his fingers on the tabletop. “You’re going to start seeing someone about this. A therapist.”

“Bobby, I -”

“This isn’t up for discussion. You either start seeing someone and actually deal with what happened during the tsunami, or you will be on desk duty indefinitely.”

“Bobby! This is so unfair.”

“You are going down a very dangerous path. I have been down that road, and let me tell you that the things that I went through trying to drown out the nightmares nearly killed me.” Bobby had spent years trying to bury those memories. He had tried using alcohol and drugs to make him forget. To keep the nightmares at bay. He would go on benders and wake up not even knowing where he was, or how he had gotten there in the first place.

“But I’m not you. And it’s not fair for you to punish me for your struggles.”

“You’re right, you’re not me. But I am your Captain, and either you start seeking help to get past this, or you’ll be on probation and moved to desk duty. I am not willing to risk and see what happens next, Buck.” Bobby paused briefly, letting his words sit with the young firefighter. “So what’s it gonna be?”

Buck met Bobby’s gaze for the first time in several minutes, letting out a shaky breath. “You’re not really leaving me a choice here, Cap.” Buck’s eyes lowered, as though he needed to prepare himself for the next words. “I’ll get help.”

**

“Maddie said I might find you here,” Eddie said as he approached Buck at the bar, taking in the sight of him. He sat alone at the bar with a beer in his hand, taking a long pull from it before setting it down on the bartop.

“Good to know that Maddie is sending status reports on my whereabouts to the team.” Buck turned his body ever so slightly, his striking blue eyes meeting Eddie’s with a hazy gaze.

“Don’t be an idiot,” Eddie said before turning to the bartender and ordering himself a water. He turned his attention back to Buck. “Abuela is hanging out with Christopher tonight. Which is a good thing, since you clearly need a designated driver to get you home tonight.”

“I d’ not need a designated driver to get home.” Buck rolled his eyes ever so slightly, a faint slur to his voice.

“Safety first.”

He stopped for a brief moment and then let out a mocking laugh. “What are you? FIVE?”

“Buck, don’t be a dumbass.” Eddie’s eyebrow arched slightly. “Obviously you are the five-year-old in this scenario. I’m at least eight.” Buck let out an easy laugh, shaking his head as he brought the beer back up to his lips. “So… are you going to tell me what is so serious that you are at the bar, drinking alone?”

The younger man gave a slight shrug of his shoulder at the question. “Nothing is serious. I just didn’t want to sit at home by myself tonight.”

“So instead, you’re sitting at the bar, alone tonight?” Eddie challenged.

“I really don’t feel like going another round today.” He spoke flatly. “But I could go for another round.” Buck waved over the bartender, flashing a smile. “Can I get two shots of Jack?”

“Sure, I’ll add it to your tab, Buck.” The blond bartender lined up two shot glasses and filled them with whiskey before sending a pearly smile his way. It was not lost on Eddie that not only had Buck been there long enough to have a tab open, but the bartender was on a first-name basis with him.

“So the bartender knows you by name.”

Buck ignored Eddie’s statement and slid one of the shot glasses in front of him. “Have a shot with me, Eddie.”

“I am not having a shot with you. Let’s go.”

“You are such a buzzkill, man. But suit yourself, more for me.” Buck easily finished the first shot before setting it back down on the top of the bar.

“Come on, Evan.” Eddie’s hands balled ever so slightly into fists, crossing them tightly over his chest. Buck was being completely impossible. He glanced at the bartender and leaned in, asking for Buck’s tab. He slid his card across the bar silently. The move went unnoticed as Buck lifted the second shot glass, moving it between his fingers.

“Aw c’mon man, are you sure you don’t want this?” Eddie didn’t need to say anything, because the frown that he was wearing did all of the talking for him. Buck shrugged, quickly downing the shot.

“Alright, that’s enough. Let’s go.” Eddie grabbed his best friend lightly by the elbow, trying to move him into an upright position. Buck stumbled slightly but was able to move himself upright, with Eddie’s guidance. “That’s it,” Eddie assured him, sliding Buck’s arm over his shoulder to help support him as they made their way out to Eddie’s truck. It took Eddie a few moments to get Buck in the truck and safely buckled in.

Not two minutes into the drive Eddie could hear Buck’s breathing slow down. As he reached the stop sign closest to his house, he glanced over at Buck, his brow furrowed with concern. It wasn’t that he’d never seen Buck drunk before, he had more times than he could count. They’d gone out countless nights and thrown some beers back, played darts, and talked about life working for the 118. But this was different. Buck hadn’t called him to meet for drinks. He had gone to the bar essentially as a welfare check, at Maddie’s request. She was worried about her little brother, and she knew from experience that he wouldn’t talk to her.

Eddie shifted the truck into park as they pulled into his driveway. “Whatever the hell is going on in that head of yours, it’s going to hurt like a bitch in the morning.”

**

Leave me a comment over on my AO3

[revol-lover]

we’ve been lightly discussing if/when we’d have another child. and i’ve already started having birth nightmares (again), specifically one where my former midwife shows up. what the fuck brain. this potential next (final) pregnancy is going to require going back to therapy.

good news though is that i actually finally had the bravery to request an appointment with a different obgyn for informational purposes, i guess. i think i would like to know my dr before i get pregnant so i can explain my history and why i’ll need to have a c/s next time and all this other stuff. i want to make sure we’ll be a good fit. but we found someone who seems good, seems to have a good reputation. my husband researched the fuck out of her and she has no NICU transfers since being in our hospital system (only 1 but it was related to being born premature) or marks on her record. she’s also specifically interested in high risk pregnancies so that’s a plus.

i’m trying to be optimistic. i knew this time would come around, and 3 years went faster than i thought it would but if its ever going to happen i have to start doing things (like finding the dr, setting up a therapist) that will help me be at the least, ‘ok’ about it all. but naturally, its scary. i still don’t know why julia was small for gestational age, or why my placenta was also small. i feel like with her birth injury being the obvious focus at the time, a lot of other things were kind of overlooked. she grew fine afterwards, but it’s still weird and i worry because those growth u/s are so inaccurate (they predicted at 38 weeks she was weighing 8 lbs. she was born at 42 weeks weighing 6.3lbs) and since i plan to go the elective c/s route next time i think they do it at 39 weeks. so i hope that our next baby isn’t so small like julia was. 

i don’t get it either. i was pretty healthy during my pregnancy. i did everything i was supposed to do and didn’t do anything i wasn’t supposed to and i still never went into labor (induced 41w6d) and she was born small. her injury was because of my midwife’s negligence during the induction (pushing pitocin even though her heart rate kept dropping. she never communicated the issues with us.) made worse by the fact that her being small was not known I guess, since my midwife did that growth u/s and assumed all was good. as it turns out small babies do not handle inductions as well and she was not even doing the induction is a proper manner. the lawyer who reviewed our case had it sent to a harvard ob professor who said she acted in “gross negligence”.  i pushed for freaking 2 hours and 45 minutes. it’s just crazy. then some months after she was born an aunt on my dad’s side told me that my grandmother had my aunt when she was 43 weeks pregnant back in the 70s. which got me wondering if maybe its a genetic thing and my body would’ve just taken longer. but at the same time, again, my placenta was small, i forget the percentile but it was definitely in the low/concerning range. julia was in the 5th percentile for her gestational age. 

this kind of stuff, all the unknowns, are what make me feel so nervous about being pregnant again. i was pregnant with julia at what was kind of my prime. i was 24, healthy, had been taking prenatal for months before i got pregnant, ate well, was working so i was pretty active, drank so much water, kept my stress levels down, etc i though i did everything i was supposed to and things still wound up being crazy.

going into another pregnancy, i mean, i’m 27 now. i could stand to lose like 10lbs which would bring me back to my pre-pregnancy weight which i am still working on, i get like no sleep, i have a toddler i’m chasing around all day, who i mean if we’re being honest, stresses me out quite a bit and regularly. so i worry about --  if i thought i was at my healthiest when i was pregnant with julia and now i know there’s no way to get back to that level of health before getting pregnant with our next, i mean realistically  i can’t make my toddler not be a toddler so i’m always going to not be sleeping and regularly struggling to manage stress.. i’m probably overthinking but how can i not when i went everything that i did when i thought things were fine? how can i not overthink???

i dont even know what the purpose of this was now. just venting i guess. you’d think i’d feel more ready the second time around, and in some ways i do. i mean i now KNOW what sleep deprivation is and what to expect at worse case scenario level, i’d know about leaps and all that off the bat without figuring it out along the way, i know the things we’d need and not need and all that, but it’s just the unknown and the valid worries that i’m struggling with. and becoming a parent the 2nd time just comes with a bigger sense of reality for me. i know now how easily things can go wrong and obviously it scares me. 

[erlenmeyertrash]

ramble about collegiate tips!!!

COLLEGIATE TIPS you get me <3

tips for college... but make it Quarantine: (sidenote these have only been tried by my able-bodied neurotypical self so. this isn’t psychiatric advice)

bored? go on a walk. go physically outside. open a window and take several laps around the house if that can’t happen. do some sit-ups. do some yoga. stretch!! your neck and back and joints!! wash your face. brush your teeth again. lie on your stomach and doodle on paper like you’re 5

can’t focus during a lecture? stand up at your desk. sit on the floor in a patch of sunlight. Change The Surroundings. text your friends (or lmao make a tumblr post) saying i am going to pay attention to this lecture and tell you what i learned afterwards. make it a challenge.

running out of food? can’t find the energy to Make a Meal? peanut butter and honey in a bowl. that’s it. or just a spoonful of peanut butter. also stay hydrated blease

freaking out about grades? life? the future? send an email. email your TA. email your prof. email your advisor. email the counseling center. email your parents. email your pen pal from 2011. i will literally help you draft this email i kid you not.

parents/siblings/roommates making it hard to focus but you hate conflict? slam the door before lecture. write a note and put it on your door. complain about having to listen to a professor via Zoom for hours on end. use headphones. steal headphones. try and explain that the education system has refused to slow down and you need to be able to focus. email the prof and ask for lecture recordings because your home life is super loud/not accommodating.

lonely? schedule discord dates!! zoom dates!! facetime dates!! do a screenshare and host a virtual movie night. heck just call someone for the h e c k of it (and to end it you can just say “well i’ll let you go/i just wanted to check in” so you’re not stuck). social interaction is a Weird Thing rn but it’s boosted my mood to interact with friends so far in any capacity

feel like you’re falling behind? these are unprecedented circumstances. your brain is running on low-power-mode with half the thrusters devoted to a mild fight or flight response. we don’t know how to react to this, and that’s okay! i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. take this one day at a time. NOBODY is out here absolutely flourishing all of a sudden.

disappointed about not physically graduating or getting a ceremony? ...yeah. me too. and it’s okay to feel like crap about it. don’t put yourself down because others might have it worse. be proud of yourself!! this is a huge accomplishment.

when’s the last time you ate a vegetable? yeah, that’s what i thought. go eat a vegetable- and a GOOD one, too, not something that’s 90% water.

okay now for wild-type collegiate:

...it’s. it’s gonna be overwhelming. it’s a lot! you will learn as much about yourself as you do about whatever you decide to study. but here are some tips that i may or may not have already said a thousand times:

drink. water. get a water bottle. get 800 redbubble stickers and slap them on the bottle. now take it everywhere.

make friends with your advisors early on. they’re the ones to write to when you need to get forced into a class your senior year. if you come in for easy questions, are nice, etc. they’ll be much more amiable and willing to help you out.

try to introduce yourself to the prof and/or TA on the first day/week. if nothing else, you’ll be more comfortable if you ever have to panic email them later on

turning in late work is ALWAYS better than no work at all.

i have to sit within the first three rows or i’m a lost cause, so find where you’re the least distracted (likely the first 1-3 rows) and sit there forever

learn how to cut through buildings to shave like 5 minutes and countless weather mishaps off your commute time

know!! your sleep and productivity schedules. try to stick to them. i am physically incapable of being alive for an 8 am, and i’m most productive around sunset, so i love to stick classes between 9:30 and 3:00 with a break in between and calmly let myself eat and de-stress from mid-afternoon until early evening. there are people who can schedule all their classes from 8-10 and be productive all day and i am not one of them. college is the first time you get to plan your schedule, and perhaps will be the only time you can schedule your day to begin at 12:30 in the afternoon, so use that to your advantage

USE AND STICK WITH SOME FORM OF ORGANIZATIONAL SYSTEM. any kind of calendar i swear. it’ll save your life

download and save your syllabi!!!! this is a tip that i really hadn’t heard until i was already in grad school, but this can definitely help when you’re looking at course equivalencies or to talk about work/educational experience. if you haven’t no sweat, just start now

try to make at least mild acquaintances/contacts in each class, especially those major-related- this is just for missed classwork or “what the heck is question 3 even asking me?!” stuff. also make as many friends as you can comfortably handle. don’t overwork yourself socially because you think everyone has to be a social butterfly in college

college isn’t for everyone. your major might not be right for you. your college situation (out-of-state, living on campus, taking 21 hours a semester) might not be right for you. don’t give yourself crap if it is! figure out what you can study and/or work with without burning yourself out, and run full-speed ahead at it. it’s rough to find the balance between “idk i just think this is neat” and “i will spend the next 4+ years studying This and then the rest of my foreseeable future Doing This” but if you miscalculated the first time, just try again.

you will, at some point in college, be rejected from something. or be scared of getting rejected. or get a really, really harsh criticism from someone you admire. do it. don’t back down. rejections are important!! they are learning experiences academically and emotionally. they help you improve and they help you learn how to be rejected. if you graduate college and have Never been rejected from anything in your entire life, the world has set you up for a potential failure when you are completely caught off-guard the first time it happens and you’re well into your late 20s. this is coming from someone who teared up in a therapist’s office at the mere THOUGHT of being rejected from grad school. it’s literally more okay to cry on a college campus than anywhere else in the world

if you can, take a class Outside your major. i’m taking “Dystopian Writers” rn as a genetics major and it’s so neat to hear people discuss stuff i never would have thought about or experienced otherwise.

if you’ve got specific educational/collegiate questions throw em at me- i tried to make this general. however. hope this hELPS

[livelifesoftly]

February in Review

I’ve never done one of these before, but I absolutely loved the satisfaction I felt from reading through a few of @distanceanddragons posts, so I’m borrowing her format (with just a couple tweaks for my own specific needs). I hope you don’t mind!

I had quite the month. A lot of emotional troubles, a lot of financial ones. I definitely have some things I can work on and hopefully improve in March.

Building Wellness

1. Nutrition - Horrible, no good, very bad. I binged a lot, and then I purged a lot, and then I starved myself. So yeah, I had a really bad month for nutrition. The last week and a half or so I did start making an effort to be vegan ALL the time, not just on a whim/when I’m feeling fancy. It was...trying, but during the last few days of the month, I started to get into the swing of things.

2. Tracking - I just recently started tracking my calories. I started by lowering my daily intake to an unhealthy 800, so that wasn’t good. Changed it to 1200 on the last day of the month, though, so setting much healthier and more attainable goals for March.

3. Exercise - Didn’t really do this. I went to the gym all of once, but I made a lot of non-fitness progress in doing so because I became aware that my locker needed a new lock + that my sister would like to go with me more often. Briefly did some home workouts, but fell out of them as my ed spiraled.

4. Sleep - Also...not good. I don’t really sleep all at once, the way a normal, healthy person does? I’ve gotten into the habit of sleeping from ~6pm-9pm, getting up and hanging out with T, and going back to bed from ~3am-8am. A grand total of 8 hours, usually, but...probably not good to space it out that way.

5. Mental Health - Oof. Just a big ol’ oof. Had a few panic attacks, a few binges, a few fasts, a few fights. Honestly, it was a bit of a teeter totter of emotions; extreme sadness and extreme happiness. Thank god for my supportive work, social, familial, and romantic lives, cause I was not doing well on my own.

6. Miscellaneous - I didn’t get anything done. I’ve been keeping up pretty well on my notebook, but not my habit tracker. I managed to rearrange my room, do the dishes I let sit for over a week and a half, incorrectly apply to drive for Lyft and be denied when my vehicle year was too old, and spend $200 on groceries I basically never ate, so...mixed bag overall as far as outer development as well as inner development.

Weight/Measurements

As of 3/2/2020:

164.8lbs

Bust: 40.0in

Chest: 33.5in

Upper Arms: 12.0in

Forearms: 10.25in

Waist: 34.5in

Hips: 40.25in

Thighs: 22.25in

Calves: 15.0in

Month Variance: N/A this month since I only just started recording

Notes: N/A

Next Month Goals

1. Nutrition

Eat three healthy meals a day

Ideally around 1200-1300cal/day

Continue on the vegan train!

Start taking vitamins

Drink at least 64oz of water a day

2. Tracking

Track calories every weekday

Look into a fitness watch to help track workouts/daily steps/calories burned more accurately

Only measure/weigh myself once a week. No more, no less.

Keep up with habit tracker (also: MAKE HABIT TRACKER)

3. Exercise

Go to the gym 3-5x a week

Do cardio + weight/strength training

Walk more - 10k steps a day, ideally

This ties into mental health, but take more walks/hikes/just be outside more! Open space makes me more inclined to run around, goof off, and burn calories

Enroll in archery class with Dad

4. Sleep

Just...get some consistent sleep, man

Aim for in bed by 1:00, up and at ‘em by 9:00.

No. More. Night. Naps!

5. Mental Health

Make an appointment to see GP and discuss an increase in depression/anxiety medication

Find a new therapist with a) more experience and b) more background knowledge on your specific trials and tribulations (ednos, paranoia/trust issues, self esteem, etc.)

Soak up some rays! The sun is finally coming out, and with daylight savings time starting up on the 8th, you’ll have even more of it. Get. Outside!

6. Miscellaneous

I’m really, really trying to put on a yard sale this month. In order to do that, I’ve gotta get my shit in order first. Easier said than done, but also going to get it done!

T and I broke up on March 3rd. Gonna try to process that a bit, I guess.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E50 (Feb. 5, 2019)

Are any of us ever, really, on the internet?

This week’s guests are Taliesin Jaffe and Matt Mercer!

Brian shames Taliesin and Matt for (to be fair, accidentally) pouring coke in with their 22-year-old scotch. I am also physically pained by this. I may need a minute to compose myself. (@loquaciousquark: “I like how you’re Brian in this and I’m Matt.”)

Announcements: MAME drop airs three hours before Talks every week! Next week’s Between the Sheets will feature Will Friedle, and last night’s episode featured Quyen Tran! Critical Role will be taking this coming Thursday off, and Talks Machina will be taking next Tuesday off, but the show returns on Valentine’s Day!

But for now, let’s jump into Episode 50: The Endless Burrows

Stats for this week’s ep: Fjord got the 50th HDYWTDT in the 50th episode! The Roper’s crit on Caleb would have one-shotted him had Caduceus not reduced it by negating the crit. Spurt is the first on-screen guest player character death in the history of the show. Chris Perkins was at the table for 22 minutes and 15 seconds. Taliesin: “That’s an episode of network television right there.”

Chris was in town unexpectedly, and asked if he could come watch the show. Matt had written Spurt as an NPC character, just to see how the M9 would react to him. As he was driving to the studio, he realized it could be a lot of fun to let Chris play the character instead. Chris was on board, and Matt told him “You’ll know when to jump in,” and that was that. Nobody else had any idea he was going to be playing.

Caduceus is “in his element but out of his element” underground. “He’s looking for things to be excited about. Not a lot of things to be excited about here. It’s kind of awful.” Taliesin is trying to let him be a little more tactical, to just take care of things and do what needs to be done. “He’s on edge, but it’s a healthy edge.”

Matt clarifies that the party haven’t really emerged into the Underdark---they’re just skimming the edges of it. After spending a lot of time there in the last campaign, Matt didn’t necessarily want to bring it back there again.

Caduceus doesn’t see the group as being deceitful so much as just people who haven’t had the option of being open before. “He’s trying to make that option available.” Part of his training at the temple involved talking to people, helping them feel better, and helping them open up, so this is nothing new to him. Matt: “The solitary therapist.” Taliesin: “He really, really likes them.”

Spurt was originally intended to be a potential hindrance to keep the group from getting past the fire giants stealthily, if he wound up coming along with them. Turned out he... sort of removed himself from that equation.

On the parade of tragic backstories: “I don’t think Clay fully comprehends how bad this all is. I don’t know if he can comprehend art film horror. ‘That’s rough, man.’“ Matt: “He’s the Fred Tatasciore of the group.” Everyone is delighted by that comparison.

Matt was looking for opportunities to bring tragic backstories together. Taliesin calls it a “car crash” approach.

Why are D&D characters often so tragic? Taliesin: “It’s harder to make an interesting happy person.” Matt: “That’s true, but it’s not impossible.” He talks about how it’s natural to try to build something into a character’s backstory to propel them into the dangers of adventure. It’s also the opportunity for a player to work through something they’re going through out-of-game in a safe, cathartic way.

Caduceus is “still a little lanky”. Taliesin points out that this is to be expected because he’s a “vegan on the road”. There’s a long discussion about how the food he makes is “basically semi-firm tofu”.

Matt freaks out a bit about the unintentional callback... VM also being a mid-level party descending into the Underdark in search of a halfling and almost losing a rogue’s foot to lava. A lot of things had to go a particular way for that to happen, and he definitely wasn’t expecting it, especially since he was consciously trying to avoid familiar territory with the Underdark this time around.

Brian: “Which is funny, because the writers never even saw the first campaign.”

Taliesin points out that a trickster cleric is meant to be more of a toolkit, whereas a grave cleric build is more of a medkit.

Taliesin: “I’ve learned my lesson, and I have like three new character ideas ready to go, for this campaign or the next.”

There’s a lot of debate about where the hell Spurt got a skunk, which leads to the creation of the magical item Skunk Jug, which produces a skunk.

Caduceus enjoyed the romance novel, but it hadn’t “entirely clicked”. “He’s aware that: ‘Ah, they’re doing the hanky-panky stuff.’ It’s not really in his wheelhouse.”

Matt was very proud of the group coming up with their plan to get past the giant, and he felt a bit bad that Nott rolled so low (although he also loves the “magnificent clusterfuck” moments that are the hallmark of D&D). Brian: “That’s just a testament to how bad Sam is as a player.” 

Caduceus took Warcaster as his next feat. “This seems to be in-character and useful.”

Fan art of the week: Nott running across the lava! Taliesin: “I want to play that game. That’s an 8-bit game I want to play.”

Brian asks Matt if the game’s about where he thought it would be at episode 50. Matt: “We’re charging into Xhorhas earlier than I was expecting. We need to get Ashley back soon.” (They’ll get her back in a couple months.) He also points out that some story beats have happened in the world in the group’s absence. He didn’t want to tailor the story’s trajectory to manufacture a big moment in episode 50. The group’s involvement in the Empire has been less than expected, but the direction they’re taking is much more direct than he was expecting. Taliesin points out that if the group had been Vox Machina, they would’ve involved themselves in the politics of the war instantly. Matt reiterates that he loves DMing in a reactionary way when the players push in an unexpected direction.

All Taliesin wants to do right now is fix that sword. He’s expecting it to be, like, a +1 cursed sword that just sings constantly and can’t ever be put down.

Taliesin: “I’m enjoying corralling all the kids.” Matt points out that he’s a much-needed influence on the group. Beau is the one that Cad considers to be his best friend. Dani: “You two can’t not be best friends in this show.” Cad thinks of Fjord as an angsty teen. He thinks Caleb is occasionally up his own butt a bit. He hasn’t figured out that Jester’s an adult yet. “’Oh, she’s happy and fine. Thank goodness someone is.’ And obviously she’s not, but he hasn’t figured that out yet.” He’s disappointed in Nott for the amount of drinking, although he hasn’t said it out loud.

Taliesin: “Cad thinks dangerous things have wisdom. Sometimes just walking up to something and asking is very useful. Sometimes you can avoid getting arrested in front of a coffee shop by offering the officer a hot pocket.”

Matt talks about how getting players to avoid combat is a teaching process that involves incentivizing out-of-the-box approaches. That’s in direct contrast to the more traditional grind-through-fights approach to D&D that was prevalent in the early editions, so it can be a process. He points out that you can talk to players out-of-game, or you can change your own plans to allow players a non-combat win even if it’s a bit of a stretch.

Taliesin and Matt both own a pair of chaps. As you do.

Taliesin’s personal inspiration for Cad’s staff was very Dark Crystal-driven. The crystal comes from the land he lives on. He dug up the crystal and made the staff himself; the beetles crawl into and out of the stick continuously.

Talks Machina: After Dog

Brian: "Are you relaxed right now?” Taliesin: “Yeah, there’s something in this Coke that’s really...”

Taliesin got started with eyeliner in high school with Vampire LARPing. He had a (mumblemumble)”furk idee” that got him into goth clubs early. Matt first learned to apply eyeliner for cosplay, then wore it for the first time outside of cosplay clubbing with Taliesin (they also had an industrial goth karaoke night).

Dumbest way they’ve managed to injure themselves? Matt was editing There Will Be Brawl’s final episode, which was a bit too overambitious and he was the only editor, and he didn’t sleep for 72 hours and threw his back out horribly from sitting too long. Taliesin was doing a student film as a teenager, and was asked to do a stunt that involved holding someone up to a moving train (Matt: “What the fuck, Taliesin?”). He had really long goth nails at the time and managed to break all ten of his nails off entirely doing that stunt. “I didn’t drop him into the moving train!” Matt: “That’s why unions are good.”

Brian: “I lit myself on fire with a molotov cocktail.” Yes, really, but he wasn’t badly burned. Taliesin: “Did you at least hit the man? Did it stick to him?” Brian: “It was not a man. It was a porta-potty.” Matt reiterates how grateful he was not to have grown up with cellphone video.

Matt: “So you’re saying...” Taliesin: “I was Emperor Norton, yeah.” Matt: “Aw. I’m proud of you!”

We all learned... a lot today. See you in two weeks for episode 100 of Talks Machina!

[lokibannerpool]

Update on the Mun

so i have been lurking on here for a while, not really doing any drafts or replies. I’m not abandoning this blog and these muses, I just haven’t had the motivation lately to be active on this account. I have been active on my other blogs for the most part. you can find me on @forcedintoperfection @thevirginandthefool @worldsfastestpredator @strongestcullen  @zorii-unknown and/or @brokenprincessofasgard  

Now for the shitstorm that is my life right now.

If you’re basically homeless and you know it clap your hands  *clap clap*

So we (by we I mean my mom, little brother and I) finally got evicted for reals like around Feburary-ish. My mom’s bright idea for temporary living was to move in with the worst person possible, her crazy ass aunt (on my grandpa’s side). 

Not only was the move stressful, but living here is terrible, and most of that is because my mother’s aunt (i have disowned her so no she’s not my great aunt) is doing everything in her power to make us feel unwelcome. Before I go into details, let me point out that my brother refused to come stay here because he has never felt welcome in this house, so he’s staying with family from our grandmother’s side (still crazy, but slightly more reasonable). And although I technically still have a room there, I did not stay because they hate animals and the great aunt that lives there once told me that if she could make it up the stairs to our old apartment she’d kill my cats. Later she denied it, but yeah... that’s the kind of crazy on that side’ of the family.

I was going to take my cats and live in a hotel from paycheck to paycheck. i had done the math and i could afford 7 days from one paycheck if i literally didn’t buy anything else, and the hotel had free breakfast i didn’t have to worry about food at least if i could save some of the breakfast for lunch then probably do dinner at a family member’s house. (yeah not the best plan but for me if I’m giving up my cats to a shelter I’m giving up on life. plus hotel accepted animals and was legit cheaper than a putting them in a pet hotel which would have been 22 a night per cat... i have 5 cats and a part time job) BUT low and behold my mother pulls some strings with the aunt (only after catching me crying on eviction day because I didn’t know what to do with my babies) and suddenly I can keep the cats as long as they stay in the basement. Not ideal, but more affordable for me so I take it.

Now back to the hell house I’m trapped in.

1) It took a while to move everything in, but I think we were almost full settled in by a Friday or Saturday night. On the Monday (which was like day 3 of living there) my mother’s aunt not only called me repeatedly on my phone, she kept yelling my name from the first floor. When I finally become conscious enough to go see what she wants, she is telling me that I sleep too much, It’s ridiculous how much I sleep, I need to go get a job, I’m not going to sleep my life away in HER house, yada yada, then she goes on about how by my age she was living on her own and paying off her own car (both were confirmed to be lies by sources that were alive at that time. crazy bitch was still sleeping in the bed with her mother at 22).. Now maybe you think that’s not so bad? but I forgot to mention one little detail. 

It was only 8:10 AM  and I had class at 10 am.

My alarm clock was literally set to go off 20 minutes from that time. Not only was it early as fuck, but I had a class to go to so it wasn’t like i was going to be staying in the house all day. SHE KNEW I HAD CLASS, THAT WAS WHAT PISSED ME OFF THE MOST. I had literally been discussing my classes with her for weeks prior to even moving in with her. Another thing that interested me was how she conveniently waited until my mother had left to start harassing me. anyway, so i get dressed because im mad as hell by this point, and i get ready to leave in under 15 minutes so we’re around 8:30am by this point. When I get downstairs she is demanding that I come into her room, and against my better judgement I do but I’m in no mood to talk. She takes one look at my face and asks me “why are you pissed off?”  As if she didn’t know why. I don’t want to curse her out because I wasn’t raised to do things like that so i keep my mouth shut. She keeps trying to get me to talk, and at this point angry tears that I have been trying so hard to hold back are falling and she tells me I’m being dramatic and I’m over reacting. I tell her I have to go to class more than once and she’s still demanding that I sit and talk with her, so I just walk out.    She calls my phone more than once but I don’t answer because I am a) driving and b) still mad as hell. she leaves voicemails. 1 saying that im being overreacting and stuff. the second comes a few hours later with a fake apology after she apparently talked to my mother. I later find out that she lied to my mom and told her that she forgot I had school, yet when I was not trying to talk to her she was telling me i had 2 hours before i had to be in class.. so yeah and that was only the start of day 3 of living there.

2) Fast forward a few days because in this family, we apparently just go on like nothing happened after conflicts like this. My mom comes to me in the morning and warns me that the aunt had threatened to call the human society to take my cats away because I ‘don’t spend enough time with them’. Which pissed off my mom as much as me because she’s seen what I’ve done for these cats in the past 2 years. (especially with Brenda, who is a rescue stray I took in after she was covered in tape by strangers and either dropped at our door or she limped her way up the stairs to us for help, and the two litters of kittens she had in our apartment) 

The aunt confronts me about this after I come down to feed them by asking me “do you really want the cats” and then telling me not to get an attitude when I say “of course I do” rather defensively. She tells me the b.s. she told my mom to which i point out that we literally just got here, i have classes 5 days a week and work 7 days a week. Plus, she’s usually sleep when I come in after work so she doesn’t see me dragging my aching body (still sore from doing the brunt of the moving) down to the basement to replace the food and water and spend time with them before I go to bed and I would literally be sleeping down there if it wasn’t for my mom nagging me about my health (which tbh comes second to the cats in my opinion but she disagrees). She doesn’t seem all that convinced, and my anxiety was through the roof for the longest because i wasn’t sure if i was going to come back to a cat-less basement after work. 

My therapist has been having an earful btw. Literally the week before I knew we were being evicted I spent most of a session trying to find something to talk to her about and now I have at least one new problem ever week. 

3) This woman has no respect for me or my mother. She’s verbally attacked my mother and berated her more than once. (today included) and at one point accused my mom of using her father for money(who died only 2 years prior, and who is the only one who took responsibility for making all the funeral arrangements and is still struggling to pay that bill because no one else wanted to help). This is sidetracking a little, but my mom did a lot for my grandfather. Brought his medical supplies with a loan she had taken out from her job, literally came to wash him up multiple times because his in house nurse wasn’t doing it, and pretty much ran every errand he asked for her and if she couldn’t do it she had me do it for her... so yeah to say she was using him was really fucked up and it really hurt my mom.

3.5) One morning (last week) i literally caught her and her ‘tenant’ (aka her brother’s ex girlfriend who he left for his wife 2 years ago and refuses to leave his family’s home) talking shit about me and my mom. How we’re dirty,  my mom walks too loud, complaining about us having mini conversations late at night (which only happened once), calling my mom fat, and saying that she’s not  ‘dainty’ and ‘feminine’ enough and they don’t know how she kept a man for so long... really just talking trash while im standing at the top of the stairs listening. I wait until they finish to say anything and they’re not even ashamed or apologetic. The aunt literally says “good. now you can tell your mom what i said” after  i said i heard just about all of it. She seemed offended when I refused to be her messenger. She then tried to talk shit about my mom to me, going as far to tell me that my mother a ‘fat slob’. And because I don’t want to be kicked out before we find a place, I have to bite my tongue and just walk away while she purposely baits me and tells me to ‘speak my mind’. 

There is so much more I could write about, like how she (a woman who has never had a cat in her life) is always telling me how to take care of my cats like I don’t know what I’m doing, yet she’s basing this all off the dog she had (but didn’t really want or take care of) over 10 years ago.  Or how she likes to try to provoke me or my mom (but mostly me because I’m the easier target I guess) whenever she’s bored. The fact that she forced cable boxes on us, then demanded my mom pay her $400 for the installation of the cable despite us both making it very clear we didn’t want it. How she’s always trying to say someone is trying to use her as if my mom isn’t paying $800 a month for two little ass rooms and a bathroom/kitchen we have to share with two other people And sooo much more. 

I’ve ended up self harming for the first time in about two-ish years while staying here. My suicidal thoughts are  happening very often and honestly I’ve turned to drinking my feelings away when I’m not cutting them away. I’ve literally been so stressed that my period disappeared for like 3 months (no im not pregnant. gotta be sexually active to get pregnant so yes its stress) and I’m pretty sure I’m developing some sort of repressed anger issues that I should probably mention to my therapist but I keep forgetting. 

So that’s pretty much what’s been going on in my life lately. 

And I don’t know how to end this so... there

[thelightfrombelow-blog1]

The flu

Aching.

I’m cold, but body feels like a furnace, at least on the outside; I wish I had a thermometer so I could see how hot my fever has gotten. My forehead feels hot, and I really don’t need to “check” if I have a fever or anything like that, but if it makes any sense at all without going into my own head for clarity, I find it interesting to see if my body is as hot as it seems, or only a couple degrees up and it makes it seem that much worse. Under a blanket feels kind of nice, but sitting here on my laptop looking at clothing listed on Amazon with just a hoodie and sweatpants is fine for now, every few minutes I get sudden shivers and shaking, my hands barely able to type, but it isn’t what I would call unmanageable.

The entire body aching is the worst part I think, but the prescription ibuprofen helps; I’m glad I got so many from my broken index finger last year. The nausea is close to the worst part too, and if it were constant, it would be, but luckily it is light and doesn’t stay for long. It’s all just observations, I don’t need to figure out that I have the flu, a doctor isn’t needed.

I can’t go to my meeting tonight, I feel like shit and I wouldn’t want anyone catching whatever strain of influenza that I have anyways. Besides, I certainly can miss a day, I’m not gonna drink feeling like this just because I miss one meeting, I’ve missed a day or two before and I still am going on 5 years without it, so I don’t know why I’m beating myself up for missing a day. I guess it’s just because on Tuesdays, we have open discussion, which is refreshing to not be tied to one thing, especially when that one thing is a chapter dealing with something which just makes people say stupid stereotypical phrases nonstop and makes me want to leave halfway through. Enough, I feel bad and I don’t want others to feel bad, I’m not going. I want to find a motorcycle jacket, and what would be really cool is to find some combat boots; I think that is what they are called, like doc martens. I want shorter ones, my 12 hole boots are nice, I love them, but they take too long to put on/take off. I am digging the shorter ones that aren’t real leather. I hate to admit this because I am obsessed with moto style jackets and it seems like everyone looks good in them, but I know I personally look better in the standard zip up “leather” jackets. Doesn’t matter, I want a slim fitting motorcycle jacket, this one right in front of my eyes for just $40, and I’m buying this pair of 8 eyelet boots too. I might feel like death incarnate, but in a day or two, I’ll have some awesome presents to myself delivered right to me and that makes me feel good.

I need rest, I feel like I can’t even function enough to do the smallest tasks. Good night self; it’s bedtime at 8 p.m. tonight. _____________

I feel good today, well I didn’t feel the best this morning, but I have started to feel better today, I think the ibuprofen right away helped, and I still feel kind of cold, but at least I’m not shivering. It kind of hurts when I go to the bathroom though, like right when I finish peeing, it stings, and I saw blood in my urine this morning. I hope that goes away. The bad thoughts are creeping in, but I am too much in a slightly recovering/slightly still sick state of mind to give it much thought.

Tomorrow will be a lift in spirits since I can dress up and forget everything for a few hours, just enjoy the night. Someone online said what I was going through (what I AM going through) could just be a panic attack of sorts since it seemed to only last a couple days, but I have panic and anxiety attacks weekly, I know them from start to finish, I have the flu, some strangely short flu. ______________

Ok, in my obsessive mind, I need to count off to make sure I have everything. I have my teeth in perfectly fit to my canines, I have my tailed black jacket on, over my white button up cotton shirt, I have my black leggings on and my long boots all laced up. My white gloves are set neatly next to my keys and vaporizer along with my fake blood and wallet. Perfect, that is everything.

I feel like I came back with a vengeance now that I feel a little better, or at least a part of me did. I probably looked at too many videos and pictures on Tumblr of naked people doing adult things, because I need something, I NEED someone to be with. I tell myself I have “bad thoughts” sometimes, but I almost think I’m being unfair or a little juvenile to myself, it isn’t bad thoughts, it’s just that I guess I am sensitive because when I say hi to a girl or guy online I take it personally when they are standoffish or ignore me, and I tell myself I’m not good enough or not attractive enough to have someone. It’s unfair to myself because when I tell myself that the anxious thinking is “bad thoughts”, I know it only makes things worse, and it is bizarre that I am the first to correct someone else downplaying depression or anxiety, but I do it to myself. Understand my actions, and forgive my thoughts, that’s what I have to tell myself. I should put eyeliner on, it makes me look sexier, and that is what Halloween is all about, being sexy, scary, or both.

Here I go, the sexy, scary vampire with dark red hair and blood under my mouth along with a line of blood on my right pointer finger so I can look at people (kids mostly, I hope that isn’t too harsh) and pretend I am “shushing” them when I walk by, as if saying “don’t tell anyone I am a vampire”. It is silly, but I think it is creative too, and I like it, I think that is all that matters.

There is a lot of people out tonight, and If I am being honest, I’m digging a lot of the costume choices some of the adults are wearing. There is a young looking guy who is actually extremely cute, wearing a Holden Caulfield costume that he must have made and I don’t think many people recognize who he is, but I do and I love it, especially the tight white shirt pressed against his thin but not skinny body, and his abs gently pressed against it. A couple yards down, there is a young woman I assume in her mid 20’s that is wearing a storm trooper costume, with white and black shiny leather pants; from behind, her butt is small, but looks amazing in them, I’d join the dark side for her any day. Observing never hurt anyone, as long as it’s only to ourselves, I just enjoy watching.

________________

It’s Friday, finally the weekend is just about here and to make things even better, I think my flu is gone, I don’t feel bad this morning. I think more than anything, going back to work is the best part, I don’t like sitting at home and having nothing to do besides sleep and schedule clients or bookkeep. My employees are great and they handle the café just fine, but I like having interaction with customers, I am too social to lay idle and alone. I get to go to the meeting tonight, I never thought I would actually be excited to go to meetings in my younger years, but I am now. Tonight has no topic, it is just an open meeting without ties to one certain substance or topic, and I have been going there the longest, it is definitely my favorite one, especially since I am one of the members that has the longest time, even at only 26 years old. I get to see friends and people I’ve grown close to for so long and I am actually excited about it, I really am.

Bad thoughts, or actually anxious thoughts are back. I want to talk to customers and I want to make everyone around me happy, but it is hard when you are afraid for your life. I am not scared that someone is gonna kill me and this isn’t even a “vision” or anything supernatural like that, I am afraid that for no reason at all, I’m going to fall dead right here and someone that cares about me will find me; my therapist said I should talk myself down when I feel like this, I feel crazy talking to myself in my own head, narrating what is happening right in front of me, or at least what my mind tells me is GOING to happen, but she says it works, so here I am. I am afraid, I have fear and I have other things, but fear is what I recognize right now. I have fear that I am going to suffocate because my throat is closing up and I feel like I am gasping for air. I have fear that I am going to meet someone one day and whether it is a boy or girl I am not sure, but I am going to meet someone and they will get tired of me and either cheat on me or leave me because I am not good enough. I have sadness. I am sad because my mind reminds me of when I was 18 and my father shot himself, then my mother broke down and couldn’t fend for herself any longer and I felt that it was my fault since he knew I like both genders and even though he always loved me and has gay friends, he probably didn’t want his own child to be “different”. I have fear that my business will fail because there is so many bigger places out there and it isn’t like I have the means to ACTUALLY compete with them. I have pain, physical, because I cut myself on a hard plastic cup this morning. I am fearful that someone will want to be with me one day and find out that I am not a tough, emotionless business owner who can take on anything, inside I am vulnerable and just as scared of life and of failure and everything else, just like the next person would be. Breathing, deep breaths, it’s ok, I don’t need to revert to fight or flight, I am safe, there is no tiger in the room with me, I am going to be alright, just breathe, take time, be ok for yourself and smile, even if you aren’t happy, it helps. I had some nausea, and my hands were shaking, but it is going away. Just breathe. I am going to be fine.

The day went better after breathing, imagine that. Just a reflective thought; I guess my therapist was right too, about talking myself through it. This meeting will be nice, I need it. Sue has a year tonight, I just remembered that, I always liked her, I am proud of her. Lots of friendly, or at very least familiar faces tonight, I like it, it makes me feel comfortable. The chairs in the room are all in a sort of square-ish circle, so everyone is in front no matter what. I guess I’ll take the seat near the windows since someone else is in my normal chair; no big deal. These groups are run by a therapist, but she is late today, and John is pretty talkative about his interest in the fact that I go skydiving sometimes. You would think I would be terrified of it, but it is somewhat in a crazy way, therapeutic to me.

Someone new is walking in, I’ve never seen him. He has tattoos across his right arm, all in a Japanese style. He looks like he could be Hispanic or maybe slight Japanese himself, and the shirt he is wearing is tight against his body. He is sitting next to me, I don’t know if this is the best or worst thing that could happen here. His hair is dark brown, but he is wearing a grey beanie that sits slouched on his head, and he has muscles, but they are not some obscene or ridiculous size, it is like they are just there, like he was born that way and everyone just accepts it. I guess the therapist is here, I didn’t even see her walk in. What is wrong with me? I’m not lusting after this new guy, I am not even imagining what is under his black straight leg jeans or taking him home, it is like a puppy that you want to grab up and snuggle, and yet it is also like seeing your best friend that you love unconditionally and can’t hide your excitement seeing them. I can’t pretend I don’t find him hot though, so it must be lusting, yet it seems like so much more.

He talks to the group, and his voice is just slightly higher than you would expect, for some reason it makes me worse, I don’t know why. He has 3 months now, I am proud of him even though I don’t even know him. An hour has passed, only half that time left and I’ve been secretly watching him whenever I can, he laughs sometimes, but it is more like a snort, I feel like I’m writing a fucking cheap romance novel in my own head, and I am a teenager who has no idea what love is, or has never seen a damn attractive person before this moment. I feel it, this is not good, I feel the shivering and the ache coming back to me, I didn’t take any medication today and It is back; or it never left. I have the sickness still, why do I have to have this now? Why did I have to find out that I have the flu when I am just trying to enjoy a meeting and especially when this boy is next to me? It is almost over, I won’t see him again possibly, I might never see him again, I hate this. Why can’t I just know if he will be back next week? Or if he will go to any other meetings of mine? Or come to my café, something, anything. I can’t let him go, I can’t let him leave me, not like this, not alone and without any goodbye or I’ll see you again. I haven’t even said word to him, so he doesn’t know I exist except right here and right now; I don’t even know if he likes girls or boys, but it doesn’t matter, I just want him to be near me again. It is over, we are closing up , he can’t leave, what do I do? He is drinking a cup of coffee, I could tell him to come to my café maybe? No, there is only one way I know he will take a part of me with him. When he isn’t looking and no one else is either, I first wipe my own mouth, then place my saliva along with anything else inside it on his cup, right where he will have no choice but to unknowingly have a part of me in his own body. He takes a drink before he even leaves the room, It was perfect. I don’t feel anxious now, at least not at the moment. I don’t know why I did what I did, and I certainly don’t understand the lack of guilt, but I actually feel good, I feel confident in myself, I feel strong! I feel like it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me, I feel, I feel normal.

_____________

It has been a week, and I feel like it is the best week I’ve had in as long as I can remember. I am wearing the boots and jacket I got last week, I love them and I'll be damned if this jacket doesn't look amazing on me! I am home, I am happy and safe, and I heard some news at my meeting tonight that put a smile on my face. Harrie had a discussion with me about his rough week with his job and brought up that someone I might have met, a young man named Porter who has three months and comes to group sometimes caught some rare flu that progressed into pneumonia, he has been in the emergency room for 4 days now, and it doesn’t look good, his throat is closed up and his body is failing him. His immune system, probably from the opiates isn’t as strong as most, and he’ll be lucky to make it to next week. I'm not scared, no one would accuse me, no one even knew of what I went through. And now, Porter will always have a part of me with him, I wish the roles could be shared, but it is perfect this way.

I was wrong before, thank god I was, and it was just my anxious thoughts telling me lies. I did find someone and they didn't leave me, I WAS good enough and I always will be, I don't need to worry of them growing bored with me, I am finally enough.

[esmiblood90irisglimmer]

Single Dad Life (Hamilton)

Squeal to: Remember Me and He used to mine

Hamilton POV

March 8, 2009

Today was an experience day for me since it would hit the mark that Eliza abandoned me and our eight children four months ago. I must admit it was hard for me to cope with the idea of me being a single dad with such a large amount of children. It was difficult from the beginning since many men and women would often laugh or create rumors behind my back. There has been a time where I wanted to leave myself but I couldn’t. I didn’t dare to leave my children behind like my father did when I was barely ten years old. And I won’t dare traumatize my children anymore after their mother abandoned them. How could a mother like Eliza leave her family behind while only leaving a note that said  “I’m leaving” without an explanation? I continue asking myself that question until it didn’t matter to me anymore. Even my children just accepted that their mother will never come back and I know that feeling.

Anyway, I shouldn’t be getting off sidetrack. Today was one of the most experience days since Philip and Angelica decided to have a paint war during art class at school. It was a disaster when their principal call me during work. One sight of those two in the principal office, I have to stop myself from bursting out laughing. They were the colors of the rainbow from head to toes. Some of their classmates were cover in paint as well but not nearly as bad as Philip and Angelica. It was quite funny in a way in which I have to take a picture of them in the principal office in which the young man didn’t hesitate to smile while my eldest children were blushing of embarrassment.

It wasn’t easy scrubbing the paint off of them but after washing them from almost two hours, I manage to get all the paint off. I guess that’ll be the last time those two will ever do anything mischievous at school for the time being. Then again they’re Hamilton’s after all and they won’t hesitate to start another incident or memories at school again. Until then I must end this entry for the night

A.Ham

April 12, 2009

Whenever you needed a good five minutes nap just to take a break from your kids. Yeah, biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I forgot the most important number one rule of being a parent. When the kids are quiet, you know that they’re doing something shady. Them being quiet should've been my first clue but nope my lazy ass brain told me to sleep. And so I did but only a moment not even a minute later I see PJ, my youngest child cover in chocolate cake all over his face and clothes. I spring up off the couch and race toward the kitchen. I’ve forgotten that younger quadruplet had the day off from school and put them to nap. I know that they’re 7 years old and are too for naps but hey they’re my children!

But anyway as I soon I step into the kitchen before me was John and William eating the chocolate cake their bare hands. As for my daughter, Eliza was cover in chocolate cake all over her dress and face as well. As they saw see standing there in horror they were like a deer in the headlight before giving me those puppy eyes. I sigh in defeat before laughing a little before taking a picture of them sitting around the destroyed chocolate cake.

After washing my children and putting their clothes in the washer, I have to bake another chocolate cake and a spare one this time. I have to make sure that the children don’t get them this time. Being a single dad has it ups and down but it’s those memories that count. And this event will be one of them. Until then my friend, see you next month

A.Ham

May 21, 2009

I...I can’t believe it. After picking up the children from school on the way home. I got a phone call from Nevis Don’t worry we were out eating at a local McDonald. I don’t condone talking or texting on the phone while driving. Those can’t wait but another person life can’t. Speaking another living person in fact while my children were running around on the playground as I receive a call from Nevis. My home island where I grow up before coming to the United States. The people that I kept in contact with is a priest from a local church that always guides me during my high school and college year. As I answer it I recognize a voice that I thought disappears from my memory forever. It...It was my brother whom I thought died during the hurricane many years ago.

My oldest brother...James Hamilton Jr is still alive after there years. Tears were streaming down my face as I believe that he was gone from my life forever. Now, he’s alive and well but can’t come to the United States since it cost a large amount of money. I’ll be willing to help out but knowing my brother he would decline it but we’re both stubborn with each other. I thought it would be nice for my children to see their uncle at Nevis basically my home island. They get to play on the beach and see more where their father come from beside knowing that I’m from the Caribbean. After having a long but wonderful hour of having a conversation with my brother. We said our goodbyes and we love each other before hanging up.

Philip and the others were curious about why their Daddy was crying before telling them about their uncle. They were so excited knowing they’re going to see my brother in Nevis. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t miss my home country. I miss the smell of the sea and the sand between my toes. James and I always swim around the coral reef for a moment until returning back to shore. I’m glad that my dearest brother is still alive since deep within my heart I pray that he’s alive out on Earth somewhere. Now, we’ll be reunited in Nevis our home. Until then, I have to rest for the night, my dear friend.

A.Ham

June 12, 2009→July 20, 2009

The children and I had an excellent time in Nevis where once I saw my brother who changes a lot recently. He has gotten taller and muscular where I’m a bit muscular but still short thought which I hated though. Still, I didn’t hesitate running my brother as we hugged each other tightly. We share a few tears of our own before my children introduce themselves to him. He given me are you crazy? Look on his face when seeing all eight Hamilton’s before. Nevertheless, he loves them endlessly since he got along very well with William who hasn’t talked much since we sang our family lullaby. It was hard for him the most out of all eight children since he loved Eliza dearly. His anger issue has declined and went depress mode which worries me and made me sign him up for a therapist. Anthony Ramos is a nice young man and William really enjoy his company. It's weird how he has the same name as one of our founding father.

Still, William and James have a very strong bond where all my children were excited to stay at our old own. Turns out James has repaired the entire house himself after returning back to Nevis nearly ten years ago. Apparently, he was searching for me the entire time but had no luck until meeting up with the priest that took me him and gave James my phone number. I guess faith has brought us back together as a family. I remember the girls making a sand castle. As for James and John decided to bury William in the sand, don’t worry his head was sticking up. While James and I taught Philip how to swim around the ocean. They collected a few seashells. It was quite the entertainment when a large hermit crab pinch it claws on James' nose.

I couldn’t stop laughing as James was running back and forth while trying to take the hermit crab off his nose. The kids were giving us weird looks like we’re insane but can’t say I blame them. The crab did fall off after James trip and land on the sand. Luckily, I record the whole event and took some pictures of it. Not to mention that it also reaching my youngers quadruplet birthday and so James and I decided to throw them a camp birthday celebration. They had such a great time, with all the games they made and the pinata we made for them. Last but not least is when we saw a couple of shooting stars. Just laying down on the sand watching the night sky on the beach of Nevis is truly special and memorable. Remind me and James of when Mom took us here and star gaze after our father left. Perhaps my children needed to see this after all of what happens between Eliza and us.

I’m not sure what will happen if my ex-wife does return to us but I can’t and won’t forgive her. I shouldn’t be discussing her right now. This is a happy moment for both me and my family. Whereas my brother is able to get into the United State with the help from the priest. We made a sole promise that every summer vacation we would spend our time in Nevis where the children can get away from the city and enjoy the beauty of the sea. The hometown of Nevis..our beloved home. I shall tell you more then my dear friend.

A.Ham

                                              The End

Thought yall needed a happy fanfic

[fuzzballsheltiepants]

Back to the Start, part 8

All For the Game/The Foxhole Court, post-canon.  Memories keep coming back, and Neil can’t really be...real, can he?  And Katelyn’s kind of awesome.  Read it on AO3 if you choose.  Read Part 1.  Part 2.  Part 3.  Part 4.   Part 5.  Part 6.  Part 7.  Likes, comments, and reblogs really appreciated!

After Aaron and Katelyn left for the night, Neil found he couldn’t settle.  Andrew was out cold.  He pulled out his phone and stared at the black screen for a while; he felt a strong urge to see what the internet trolls were saying but knew it would only piss him off.  

Aaron had confirmed Neil’s suspicion.  Neil tried not to resent that Andrew would talk to Aaron and not to him; it wasn’t Aaron’s fault, or Andrew’s for that matter.  Or his.

He wandered down the hall to the deserted waiting area. The nurse at the desk gave him a quick smile then returned to his computer.  Neil clicked on his phone and pulled up his contact list.  Betsy Dobson was the first of the Bs.  It was just after nine; he thought she would still be up.  

She picked up on the second ring.  “Betsy, it’s Neil.”

“Neil!  This is an unexpected pleasure.”

“I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“Not at all, I was just having a cup of tea and reading a rather terrible novel.”  

Neil picked at a threadbare seam on the corner of the couch he had flopped down on and tried to think of what to say.  He didn’t really know what he expected Betsy to do from South Carolina.

“Neil?”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you.”

“Don’t hang up, Neil.  I’m guessing you’re calling because of something with Andrew.”

Neil pressed the fingers of his free hand into his eyes.  “He remembered Drake.”

There was a short pause.  “I’m sure that was very difficult for both of you.”

“What do you know about his…situation?”

“Just what David shared with me and what was on the news.”

“He doesn’t remember much of the past few years,” Neil gritted out.  “He doesn’t really remember me.”

The pause was longer this time.  “What do the doctors say?”

“They say he’s doing well.  They say this is ‘normal’ for this type of injury.”  He laughed without humor.  “I’m starting to understand why Andrew has grudges against certain words.”

“But you said he’s recovering memories.”

“Some, yeah.  Mostly the terrible ones, as far as I can tell.”

“Or perhaps those are the ones he can’t help but show.”  

Neil digested that.  “I just don’t understand how this works.  How can he remember Baltimore, but not really remember who I am?  I mean, he knows my name, he remembers hitting me with that racquet, but I’m not sure he remembers me.  Do you know what I mean?”

“I do.  Have you asked him?”

“No.”  

“Why not?”  

He could hear that she knew his answer in her tone.  Instead he asked, “Can’t you help him with recovering his memory?”

“Not really, no,” she said gently.  “I can help him process what he knows, and that may help in turn, but really it’s up to his brain.  On the plus side, we know what a formidable one he has.”

“I’m still not sure what’s going to happen when he’s released, anyway.  If he’s going to come back down with me or not.”

“Don’t forget that he has an excellent therapist there in Boston.  Depending on how long he’s hospitalized, and what the next step is, Dr. Isaac may be a better option.  Have you contacted him?”

“No,” Neil said, feeling like an idiot for the thousandth time that week.  “I don’t know how to.”

“I imagine his number is in Andrew’s phone.”  Right.  The phone still sitting in the stadium with all of his other stuff.  Neil wondered how he had forgotten about that.  

“How are you doing, Neil?  Not you-and-Andrew, but you.”  When he didn’t answer she added, “There’s a reason you called me rather than talking to his doctors.”

He just wanted everything back to the way it was.  A week ago he had been wrapped up with Andrew in their bed savoring the last of his break.  Just a week ago.  “I’m fine.”

She sighed.  “All right, is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No.”

“In that case, get some sleep.  Good night, Neil.”

He thought he thanked her before hanging up.  He hoped he had.  Pulling his fingers away from the loose threads on the couch, he dragged himself back to the room.

*****

The click of a door registered through the haze of sleep and Andrew snapped awake.  The room was oddly lit.  He blinked.  It wasn’t his room.  He blinked again.  There was an empty chair next to his bed and a window in the door.  He dragged himself out of the nightmare - or was it a memory?  Not that there was much of a difference.  All his nightmares were really memories.  

A few more blinks and he was back in the present.  He could hear subtle movement in the room then Neil appeared in his line of vision, furtively preparing for sleep.  Neil lowered himself slowly into the chair, then froze when he saw Andrew’s eyes on him.  “Sorry,” he whispered.  “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“How long was I out for?”

“Just a couple hours.  You can go back to sleep, I’m done making noise.”

But for once Andrew wasn’t sleepy.  Judging by the way Neil held his eyes once he was settled into the chair, neither was he.  “What.”

Neil blinked at him in confusion.  “What?”

“You’re staring.”

“I’m always staring.”

“Yeah but now you’re staring with a purpose.”

Neil looked away, fiddling with his hands.  “I hate this,” he said finally.  Andrew waited.  “I hate that you only remember the bad stuff.”

Andrew didn’t know how to respond to that.  Didn’t know how to tell him that he remembered other things - remembered bits and pieces of meals and drives and games and shared cigarettes on the roof, the weight of Neil’s mouth on his own and the feel of his skin, the sound of his hitches of breath.  Because none of that felt real.  None of that felt possible, despite the obvious evidence of it sitting curled up in a ball in the chair next to him.  

“Go to sleep, junkie,” he said, not totally sure where the nickname came from, and Neil’s eyes snapped back to his.  “It’s not all I remember.”  

The smile he received in reply was ridiculous, and he ignored it as he settled back in, tugging the blankets tighter around himself.  Just as he ignored Neil’s hand coming to rest on the edge of his bed, as it somehow always seemed to.  And if he woke up the next morning to find their finger tips slightly interlaced, he didn’t comment on it and neither did Neil.

The atmosphere in the hospital was different that day.  It seemed like suddenly everything that had been in slow-motion was at full speed.  He got wheeled off for another MRI first thing, and this time the noise-canceling headphones were enough that he didn’t need to vomit afterwards.  The lights were brighter and he walked for longer and they even let him have a magazine.  Neil disappeared to work out, with a laughing promise to try not to assault any reporters.  

Aaron and his girlfriend appeared just as Neil returned bearing a chocolate-filled croissant that he handed to Andrew without ceremony.  The girlfriend greeted Neil with a hug and handed him a bag full of stuff, and Andrew understood why Neil had warned him he wasn’t allowed to kill her.  Especially when she pecked Neil on the cheek when he took the bag.  Andrew glanced at Aaron, who rewarded him with an eye roll.  

The girlfriend chattered about New York and the stresses of anatomy lab while Neil showered.  Andrew wanted to tune her out but there was little else to hold his attention.  Though watching Aaron… Most of what Andrew remembered of Aaron was from before.  This was interesting, to say the least.

Then Neil came out of the bathroom and Andrew decided maybe he didn’t hate the girlfriend after all.   Not if she’d picked out those clothes.  Fuck.  He really didn’t know what was wrong with him.  Well, besides the whole skull-fracture-traumatic-brain-injury thing.  The doctors hadn’t mentioned this as a potential symptom.  Then again, given what memories his brain was dredging up, perhaps it was some pre-existing condition.  A manifestation of the bipolar, or something.  Because want was normal.  Want was biological.  He understood want, had since juvie.  But this was more like need.  And need was irrational.  Need was dangerous.  Need had led to the lines marring his forearms, to him breaking into houses and shops until he had finally been caught, to whatever had been left of his heart being destroyed.  

Aaron and the girlfriend were wedged into the chair together.  Neil stood near the foot of the bed, listening to the inane conversation as if it were important.  Andrew studied the long-healed scars on his face.  Abruptly, not caring about whatever nonsense he was interrupting, he asked, “How long ago did that happen?”  He gestured to his own face.  

The girlfriend made a remonstrative noise but Neil answered easily, “Almost four years ago.”  He gave Andrew a questioning look but Andrew just hummed in reply and Neil turned back to the girlfriend and asked a question, setting her off again.

Four years.  Four years since Andrew had been nearly torn apart by terror.  Four years since he had felt that anguished need that seemed so fresh in his memory.  And yet Neil was still here.

*****

Dr. Martin appeared with someone Neil believed to be an intern before Katelyn had petered out, so he didn’t get a chance to ask Andrew about getting his stuff from the stadium.  Her arrival essentially shoved Neil off to the side.  Andrew’s eyes followed him as found a new spot near the window.  Dr. Martin introduced herself to Aaron and Katelyn and reviewed all the medical stuff Neil already had heard.  They finished up with this morning’s scans, which showed resolution of the hematoma.

“It’s time to discuss the next steps in Andrew’s care,” Dr. Martin said.  Neil tried not to bristle at the way they focused all their attention on Aaron and spoke about Andrew like he wasn’t there.  “While he could be ready for discharge as soon as tomorrow, he will need ongoing assistance until he can manage on his own.  Now, it’s our understanding he lives alone here in Boston.”

“Yes,” Aaron said, and Neil’s fingers twitched.  He didn’t understand this shift in the dynamic.  He glanced at Andrew, whose eyes had a faint gleam that could have been amusement or irritation.  Likely both.

“Ideally, Andrew should go into a rehabilitation facility for a few weeks while we assess how well he can live on his own.”

“No,” Neil said, and everyone looked at him in surprise.  Everyone but Andrew, whose gleam intensified.  “He’s not going to some facility to have strangers looking after him.”

“I assure you, it’s a very good facility,” Dr. Martin said.

“No,” Neil said again.

“Neil,” Aaron warned.

“Easthaven was supposed to be a very good facility too, Aaron, in case you’ve forgotten.”  Aaron blanched and Andrew’s face went completely blank.  Neil wanted to kick himself but he plowed on.  “Andrew, I told you before.  You can come back to PSU with me if you want.  Otherwise, we can find another solution for you to stay here.”

“With all due respect, Mr. Josten,” Dr. Martin said, “you have no input into this.”

The ground dropped from beneath Neil’s feet.  “What?”

“You have no legal say.  You’re not married and you have no legal domestic partnership.  We have been making an exception for you, allowing you to stay here, but this is not your decision.”

“Is it not Andrew’s either?”  He turned to Andrew.  “Because as far as I can tell they don’t seem to care about your opinion.”

“Mr. Josten.”  Dr. Martin’s voice was calm, sympathetic, but firm.  “Aaron is Andrew’s legal next of kin.  They will decide the next steps together with us.  We must ask you to respect this conversation.”

“I can’t believe this.”  Neil thought he was going to vomit.  He looked between the twins.  Aaron’s expression was wary; Andrew’s held just a hint of black anger, and Neil didn’t know who that was directed at.  “We have resources in South Carolina.  We have Abby and Betsy, and the medical center’s right there.  Surely that’s better than staying with people you don’t know.”

“Mr. Josten, I’m going to ask you to leave.”

Katelyn stood and put her hand on Neil’s arm.  “I shouldn’t be here either,” she said gently.  “Come on, Neil.  We can wait down the hall.”  He looked once more to Andrew, but he made no move to ask him to stay, so Neil let Katelyn guide him away.

Out in the waiting room he couldn’t settle, couldn’t sit.  He felt that urge to run that had long been dormant but would never truly die.  Katelyn was quiet, for once; she had murmured apologies the whole way down the hall, then fallen silent as soon as she dropped onto one of the couches.  It was the one with the threadbare corner, Neil noticed idly.  He hooked his hands behind his neck but it wasn’t the same as Andrew’s grip, it held no gravity for him.

“Neil,” Katelyn said gently.  “Come and sit.”  He shook his head and walked the length of the room, noting the handful of other people scattered over seats.  One woman held a string of beads with a cross at the end, her lips moving silently.  A man wept over in one corner and Neil wondered in what way his world had just ended.  Two older people clutched each other’s hands and stared at the floor.  He turned and walked back.  

Katelyn joined him when he reached her.  “They shouldn’t have done that,” she whispered and there were tears in her eye.  Neil wondered why.  “Maybe we shouldn’t have come.  If we’d known…”

“I’m going to go for a walk,” Neil said.  

“Don’t,” Katelyn pleaded.  “Don’t go, Andrew will want you here when they’re done.”

Neil gave what might’ve passed for a laugh.  “Do you think if Andrew cared he would’ve let them kick me out in the first place?”  Katelyn shrugged helplessly.  “It’s not the same.  He doesn’t remember.”

“I don’t know, Neil.  I’ve never understood what motivates him.  All I know is whatever he remembers, he looks at you the same way.”

“What way is that?”

“I don’t know…like the world begins with you.”  Neil turned away to pace again and she sighed.  ���Do you have your phone?”  He reflexively checked his pockets and nodded when he felt it.  “I’ll text when they’re done.”  He nodded again and shoved through the door, running before he even reached the stairs.