#i need to work on getting my full time therapist but i just- i cant deal right now. I want to be alone for a while

[aurorashard]

.

[doodlboy]

mentally ill in the chillis tonight

[nomairuins]

ok sry last one. sry

[omohole]

currently at a very Low low in my mental health and it is really not helped by being Back in the hotseat of constantly trying to talk someone elese down from suicide 24/7 like im back in middleschool yippee

[kittykatinabag]

ick being vulnerable is fucking awful

[harmslength]

WE ARE SO BACK!

(we are so not back)

Hello lovelies!

I just wanted to write this as deep and loving thank you to everyone who has supported me, welcomed me and to the people who have been patiently waiting for new fics.

I’ve recently reached 100 followers and over 140k messages on c.ai. I just want to let you guys know how much this fucking means to me!!!!!!! AHHH I’m literally so pumped about it, like genuinely this fills my heart with so much joy. You guys make it so easy to want to keep making stuff and ugh I can’t even describe it.

I won’t yap too much about this though. Becauuuuuseee as a thank you I’m finally releasing more shit!! Yaaaaayy! (Bout’ fucking time)

First — A new Neil Lewis fic which you can read HERE. Purely smut, not a whole lot of plot to it. Definitely read the tags though…

Second — I’m releasing a few new characters for c.ai.

We’ve got:

Jim — from The Delinquent Season: you’re his new babysitter. Jim does have a wife in this so just be warned that he may try some morally corrupt things.

Cillian Murphy: fallen angel AU. He was banished from heaven and placed right on your door step. Will he return to heaven? Who’s to say. Probably not after what you’re going to do to him.

Jonathan Crane — from you already know: Dr. Crane is your therapist. Do what you will with that.

John Skillpa — from Peacock: You and John are long-time friends. John probably isn’t doing too well. Sorry John! I love him so much.

And of course, one that always pairs with the story I’ve written! Neil Lewis — from Watching the Detectives: You and Neil have just gotten engaged and are looking to grow and expand your lives together. How romantic.

Anyways I just want to add this last bit under the cut since this has been such an unbelievably long post. If you’ve gotten this far—thank you. And if you haven’t well, I don’t blame you one bit.

I just want to say that I’m back, I’m here but I will probably not be posting regularly at all. I got clinical major depression and a full time job that I hate so writing comes and goes as it pleases.

To add to that though I do have a lot of really fun fics in the works that I’m really fucking excited to share with you all. I’ve been trying to get more comfortable with writing shorter stuff but I have this problem where I just cant write anything shorter than like 5k, I don’t know I think I need to see a doctor..

Anyways I just want to top this off with saying again that I adore you guys so much. All the comments and messages I have received over the past few months have made me so happy. I’d love to talk to more of you and meet more people so please don’t be afraid or hesitant to reach out! I bite but I promise I just got my rabies vaccine updated. Tootles!

[jenniferjareauwife]

I’m in my depressed era, so I would love to read about JJ helping her teenage daughter with a restrictive eating disorder <3

I Feel Like I Can't Eat

pairing: jennifer jareau x daughter reader

category: hurt/comfort

warnings: eating disorder

word count: 942

age: 15

summary: you've been struggling with an eating disorder and your mom notices so she helps you

a/n: i am too in my depressive era and am a hoe for hurt/comfort <3

I bit my lip as I stared at the food in front of me. This was the first time I was eating a meal with my mom in two months due to her crazy work schedule and my sports schedule.

"Do you not like it?" My mom asked softly. "I can make you something else." It was a new dish so I knew she would most likely buy the excuse.

"Yeah...sorry mom." She shook her head, signaling not to apologize before kissing my temple and putting my bowl on the kitchen counter for later.

"Y/n?" She asked as she opened the fridge.

"Yeah?"

"Why is the fridge full?"

"Because I went shopping." I said quickly.

"There's no new food in here." I felt my heart beat quickly. She knew. Of course she knew she was a profiler for the fucking BAU and I was her daughter she knew me like the back of her hand. She knew. "What's with the anxious face?"

"Mom..." I trailed off as she walked towards me with a fruit smoothie. "I'm not hungry." I could tell by her face that she wasn't buying it.

"Baby...I need you to talk to me."

"About what?"

"Don't play dumb, ok? I'm sorry that I haven't been here for a while, I'm really sorry about that. I love spending time with you and I love you more than anything. You know that right?" I nodded and leaned forward as she placed a kiss on my forehead. "But just because I've been gone doesn't mean that I haven't noticed things, ok? Now I need you to tell me what's going on so I can help." She reached for my hand and squeezed it in reassurance.

"I just..." I paused for a second, trying to figure out how to get the words out, thankfully she was patient with me. "I don't know...I just feel like I can't..."

"Cant what baby?" I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. She put her hand on my back and rubbed it slowly.

"I feel like I can't eat." It came out as a whisper.

"Can you elaborate on that honey?"

"It's not that I don't like food...I mean I still like food...I think." It took me a few seconds to string together a sentence. "I just...I can't do it. Because it's so bad for me- mom I'm losing weight! I've wanted that for so long, you know that! And I'm finally getting it but after I'm done working out I get hungry but when I look at food I just get..."

"Nauseous? Anxious?" She finished my thoughts for me and I nodded. "So you still want to eat? You just feel like you can't?" I shrugged. "I can't help if you don't tell me everything baby."

"When I stopped eating I saw how much weight I was losing and I...I just stopped. It wasn't even the intentional at first but it really works, it really helps me lose weight but now I'm just...I'm scared to gain any weight back." I explained. "And I know it's bad, I know but whenever I go to take a bite of something it's like every cell in my body is screaming at me to stop and I can't fight past it." I took a shallow breath and clasped my hands together.

"Hey. Deep breaths." She told me softly, rubbing my back again, sighing as she felt how skinny I had gotten. "It's ok baby, just deep breaths, ok?" I leaned against her and hugged her arm.

"Do you want me to call your therapist? Tell her you need to start seeing her again?" I shrugged.

"I don't know if I want to do that yet."

"But don't you think it would be good to have someone to talk to?" She pointed out but I didn't say anything. She got the hint that I really didn't want to go to my therapist again so she just gave my knee a soft squeeze. "Well what can I do to help?" Her voice was unbelievably soft.

"Be here?" I shrugged and my eyes widened as I realized what I said. I knew how guilty she felt for never being here and I didn't want to make her feel bad, I didn't even mean it that way.

"Ok. Done. I'll take a month off, ok?"

"But-"

"Hey, no buts. I just want to make sure you're ok. You're my daughter honey I want to help you in any way I can." I nodded and squeezed her arm tighter. "You can come to me for anything, ok? I want you to know that y/n." I nodded. "Come here." She pulled me into her arms in a tight hug, something I had needed from her for months but was too scared to ask for.

After a few minutes she tried to pull away from the hug but I didn't let her. "I need you." I whispered.

"Ok. I'm not going anywhere." She assured me. "I love you so much y/n." She slowly rocked us back and forth, knowing that it calmed me down. "Starting tomorrow you're gonna eat at least two meals a day, ok?"

"Mom-"

"No protests. You need nutrition to survive honey. I'm not going to be lenient with this, ok? I need you to eat food. You need to eat food." She stroked my hair. "You can always talk to me about anything but I will be a hardass about you eating, ok?" I nodded, that seemed fair. If I had a kid I would do the same thing. "I love you kiddo."

"I love you too mom."

[the-ninja-legacy-whip]

Oh oh, question! What's each ninja's mental health journey throughout the series? Who becomes more stable mentally, who doesn't. Will anyone develop any issues?

Well, it’s kinda like—

Kai and Zane: Both hit very, VERY deep lows at various points in the story, but in front of others still manage to keep a clear head to get them all out of situations (with slips up here and there). And then while in private, Kai tends to get violent and Zane—well, once he (re)learns how to mess with his own memories and/or emotions you know what happens

Nya and Skylor: Both have had rough experiences growing up (Skylor perhaps more extremely) and then go on to be directly or indirectly associated with others suffering (more so Nya here), but aside from a few lashes of anger or frustration at their circumstances every now and then, are actually pretty well adjusted all things considered.

Harleigh: Is probably the only one that clearly gets put on a better place mentally, though it definitely takes a whole lot of time and patience. She starts off so irritable and unfriendly because she feels helpless and betrayed, but slowly gets the perspective needed to pull herself out of it.

Jay and Pixal: Similar to Kai and Zane they hit some LOWS, but despite feeling that bad…they never quite let it consume them (with exceptions such as the extreme situation in S9). Like, Jay may panic and freak out of course, and Pixal has the occasional nightmare and lapse in judgement, but rarely do they hit a point where they can no longer function or fight their way out of a situation, whether physically or mentally.

Cole: Goes from burying his problems and being crushed by the weight of bearing them all to relearning that he does have the power to climb himself out of a deep hole ;w;)/ it’s not easy by any mean and rightfully has moments of deep despair, but for him, he does get better at not letting it consume his entire mind (although he never could quite chase away all his insecurities either)

Jesse: idk how this man makes it, life is tearing him down and ruining his happiness at every chance it gets and if it’s not him it’s Cole so how has he not had a fully blown meltdown how do you drag yourself through these miserable days sir???? (He has a therapist) but no, pls, get this man a BREAK

Miranda: Probably works in reverse— just kind of ignores her pain and problems as best she can and vibes through life until it winds up smacking her in the face long, long down the line at a very inconvenient time and then she suddenly can’t COPE (but she gets better. Mostly.)

Lloyd, eyes glowing gold and grinning at full force: Nothing’s Wrong! Everything is fine! I feel great! Especially when I can’t feel anything at all :D …what do you mean my eyes are the wrong color, this is normal I’m not repressing anything—

And we cant talk about Olivia and Harumi yet

[smuggonifico-lmao]

Another small educational post featuring the turtles!

This time we have a very popular headcanon that Mikey has really scuffed up his arms in canon and wears compression gloves to fight tremors. But I have a little big add-on to this one! Which is basically that Mikey has arthrosis.

(Ive put some links regarding compression gloves for the pain regarding arthrosis. But! Theres also articles for studies on compression gloves that help with tremors which honestly are more relevant here pfff. I just like comparing things a lot and the headcanon that Mikey has both tremors and arthrosis just cant leave my head. This is really getting a little bit full link wise, I apologize.)

I can imagine that he's dealing with this arthrosis, which is a degenerative disorder that affects the cartilage that protects the bones from rubbing against each other. This is very simplified and you can read more on it in one of the links ill put onto this post! Actually I'll add on a ton of links because this topic is just this vast! Although, theres some other things you can do.

So first, regarding the arthrosis itself.

Arthrosis can exist from a dull throb to a very painful sting which can change daily depending on many factors like strain put on the joints, weather, or just eating specific foods.

In this next image I will show you an exercise I have learned in my training as an occupational therapist that I can swear works. Ive been doing it for my friend and mother, both who suffer from arthrosis in their hands, and they both said that me doing it has helped with the pain in their joints immensely.

(ID in image descriptions)

Leo will (infodump about it) explain it for me!

Once again! I am still in training and my knowledge will never be perfect so if anyone needs to correct me on literally anything then please do so! Also english is not my first language and I basically have to search for english sources properly and compare them to my own stuff so there can always be mistakes.

Thank you for reading this!

[tonberry-yoda]

Hi!! I requested a matchup for the valentine's day event and I loved it very much, I still go back to read it sometimes!! I was wondering if I could get one for spiderverse this time around please?

I'm a straight female and my pronouns are she/her.

Physical description - I'm 5'9 and I have long and curly dark brown hair and brown eyes. I have a fair skin tone, I'm slim and I've got full lips and fairly large eyes. I also have these dimples that I really like!

Personality - It takes me a while to feel comfortable around new people but once I do, I become really talkative and outgoing. I love helping out and I'm the therapist friend, people come to me to vent or for advice and comfort. I'm smart and ambitious; I love being the best at everything I do, but I'm deathly afraid of failure and disappointing the people I love. I'm quite the hopeless romantic and I love being in love! I adore big and small romantic gestures and I love domesticity sm!! I also daydream a lot and I can get lost in my own world for hours. I can be quite dramatic and stubborn and I tend to be withdrawn and distant at times. I get frustrated easily and I'm quietly competitive. My love languages are acts of service and quality time. I'm a ravenclaw, my mbti is infp and my enneagram is 4w3!

Hobbies- I love reading, my favorite genres are poetry, Russian lit, and mysteries! I love learning about new things and knowing a little bit of everything. I adore adventures, witty and playful banter, joking around and having indepth discussions on anything and everything! I love all forms of art and I have quite a few creative hobbies! I enjoy working out and I'm great at tennis and badminton. I listen to a lot of modern/indie rock and I love watching films very much! I really enjoy dressing up and playing around with makeup.

Thank you very much!! I really enjoy your blog and you seem like such a cool and fun person? I hope you have a lovely day ❤️

notes - hi anon! you sound just lovely!! thank you so much for your patience and I'm really happy you loved your other matchup! I found the perfect character for you, so lets jump right in!

THE CHARACTER I CHOSE FOR YOU IS...

and im jealous

he is my everything

BUT THIS ISNT ABOUT ME

you two just fit together

as i was reading this, i was like, oh yeah, peter b for sure and i just kept getting more and more affirmed

he isn't afraid to tell you his problems because he knows you'll listen

and on top of that, he will listen to you too

domesticity you say?? this man is literally the definition (and girl, me and you both, that is more romantic than anything, im glad someone can back me up on this <3)

you two are adorably romantic and totally in love

he just loves spending time around you two

sometimes in complete silence, the two of you will just do your hobbies together and hang out

like yall are both totally reading together and he hears you gasp over your book and needs to hear everything about that book immediately

you both love late night talks

like a cup of coffee and a deep conversation is a must

i can totally see him playing tennis with you

he's silly and it matches your silly and i cant yall would literally be so cute T^T

and he just adores every bit of you

you sound beautiful anon, and this man will not stop reminding you of that <333

~~~~~

2023 @tonberry-yoda – do not repost or claim ANY of my work as your own! likes, reblogs, and comments are not only welcome, but appreciated

~~~~~

[darlinguistics]

i just finished my first week at my summer job! its a summer camp, im in their program for their special needs campers, so i got assigned to an inclusive bunk where im the advocate for two little boys. not gonna lie i was super overwhelmed, i think i cried more days than i didnt but i think thats more to do with how long these days are (i leave my house at 7:30am, get home at 6pm!) and how i dont really have a break the whole time (not even the ride to/from where im a bus counselor for more kids). ive been super excited to start this job since i got it in the spring too, so the rough adjustment period hit me even harder because i felt like i was failing or not as qualified as i thought i was, etc etc. but now the week is over and i think im largely out of that funk. its still a bit much, still more than im used to, but i think me and the kids themselves have settled into the new environment a bit better now and we all can think a bit more clearly. and when i stop focusing on all the little parts of my days that stress me out, i realize im doing a pretty good job so far! and my kids are so lovely and as long as im doing right by them im doing exactly whats expected of me.

last time i was working with kids regularly was an internship last year, but that was just a few hours a week at a preschool and i wasnt assigned to any specific kids. but even then i remember the headspace id get in right before and after those shifts. at the time i was reprocessing a lot of my own childhood as i had just moved away from home for the first time and let things catch up to me. so i remember taking any slight cause of upset in those kids so personally, getting so defensive and protective of them and so stuck in thinking about how 'unfair' being a kid was at times and the inevitable damage that is done, how growing up and aging is kind of just inherently a bit traumatic it seems, even if you do everything 'right' and there was no way i could 'save' them from it. or in other words i was just a softie and a pushover lol. that was a year ago though and definitely a reflection of what i was going through at the time, now im in a different place of course. now im a little more self-focused admittedly, and i moreso catch myself being sensitive about the interactions i have with my adult coworkers now more than the kids. but whats getting me is how much i realize i relate to my two boys, but that i didnt have any advocate or anyone like that assigned to me growing up. but when i work with them on things like mental rigidity or strong senses of justice, all-or-nothing thinking, decision overload, shut down/freeze responses.. i occasionally get imposter sydrome realizing that i myself still struggle with those things more than i want to admit and who am i to coach a child through them when i clearly still struggle? doing in essence the same things at the same time as them with my adult peers, but no one is pulling me aside or gently redirecting me when i do it.

but anyways its a good job. and i should be able to get home a bit earlier starting next week which is both a small but huge win i cant wait for. im hoping now that im less on edge with all the newness i can be more mindful too, cuz i know that from how i was raised my instinct can be to 'just deal with it, even if its hurting me to do so i am clearly the odd one out so just pretend you understand to spare everyone elses feelings while hurting yourself quietly' and i obviously so do not want to let myself unconsciously encourage any of that to my kids. im confident i know how to teach and model healthier ways for them, i just know that if i dont take care of myself and let myself get too overwhelmed i might slip. so i want to be kinder to myself and advocate for myself too, for their sake as well as mine. so im taking full advantage of this weekend to recover as selfishly as i want, filling my own cup before pouring it out for others, as my therapist would say <3

[orchidyoonkook]

personal

Hi, need to scream. Tumblr seems to listen best. can and please feel free to ignore.

okay so essentially my job has removed all of the things I use and need in order to be able to do my job with my mental disorder. my mental DISABILTY. that i was honest with them and told them about at my freaking trial shift. that i told them i needed certain things in order to do well. nothing drastic. but things that helped me significantly with my performace.

SOOOOOOOOO i am now severely struggling at my job because they've taken those away cuz they were 'annoying' or 'in the way' or 'clutter'. like. im not even leaving shit every where. It's like, maybe at most 3 sticky notes? (for example) and they're written just for me, like just so i can have a list of things i can do and know to go back and look on when i need a task because ive finished the one i was doing. but then my boss reads them and critiques them as if they're for everyone. or says 'okay yeah but we do that every day so i dont see why you have to write it down. you should know to do it by now' LIKE BRO. I forget to put deodorant on some days because of said mental disability. it's something i do and have done every day since i was 12 or 13. thats 12 years. and i still forget some days just cuz my brain wasn't working properly.

AND now due to this they have put me, one of the staff currently with more seniority than 3 other staff, down to one shift a week, while every one else is full time or heavily part time.

In march i was full time and kicking ass, I was the fastest employee on my tasks, i was doing great, the customers loved me and now that all of my things that i need in order to function have been removed for everyone else's aesthetic preferences, I'm suffering, and most likely being silently fired.

like... what do i do with that. I can do my job, with my accomadations - that arent that many btw - i dont expect them to move mountains for me. But dude. I hate this feeling so much because i'm capable, theyve seen me be capable. i was for 1.5 years. like i want to be good at my job. I like and enjoy being good at my job. i've told them that. I want to do good but my ability to be good is being derailed, and i just get told to try harder, just work harder, impress your boss with how hard you work -> for minimum wage, i might add.

and everyone is like "just get a new job, just apply for more jobs you're not applying for enough, literally just apply for everything, even if youre not qualified" and i cant just do that, due to said disability. there are jobs i am unable to do. so i have to be a lil picky otherwise i'll be right back where i am now. and ive been looking for months and applying for months with no luck - no one ever responds. why list jobs if you dont respond?????

it's getting to the point where im debating opening up drawing commissions or writing commissions, or something that i can make to earn a little extra cash here and there while i get over this transition period. And that's a big deal for me because i don't do commissions. I do my art for myself or for when i want to share something i've made already, like the UTWT books. Hell, I did a tattoo design for a friend on here that i put easily 40 hours into, and i felt guilty that they wanted to pay me for it because i'd asked them for the idea. Like, i don't do commissions. so for me to be considering it is really telling for me.

anyways. this is a bajillion words long now, but i already feel better. and I'm posting it in the middle of the night in hopes that the void just consumes it and never lets it see the light of day.

If you read this, thanks and sorry for the bummer of a post. This isnt a pity party or a poor yoon thing. I'm not looking for comfort or any of that. this is a 'i don't have a therapist and my friends and partner and family are sick of hearing me bitch, when i havent been able to fix it in months despite trying my best too' thing. so yeah..

i hope the new year brings me something good.

[attackradish]

Hello my mental health is the worst it’s been all year. If not longer

I could verify this by going through my vent tag but I am not going to because that takes time. This trait of mine is part of the problem but I’m not in a place to fix that right now.

ANYWAYS why am I like this. I have some inklings as to why.

Work is now opening an hour sooner. Meaning I have to wake up earlier and I have been losing sleep as a result. This is not good for the Mental Health

Current drama with a coworker that I am not going to go into that because it’s complicated and rather stupid.

Today was supposed to be my Tax Day where I did my Taxes but I was hit by dread this morning so I didn’t get around to it until like 5PM and then realized I don’t have one of my W2 forms and I can’t go looking around for that because my dad will tell me how stupid I am and how I never care about anything and am doing this on purpose. And I actually can’t care about anything I feel, but it’s not like I’m not trying it’s just that I have no soul.

I cannot give my friends the attention they deserve. I am burnt out I have no energy left for being a friend and yet there are people who miss me. And I can’t be there often enough for them not to miss me. I am neglecting them and I am a terrible person but I need to be alone.

I really do feel that I have reached my full potential. There is simply not enough caring or gumption or whatever it is I’m missing in this body of mine to achieve anything further. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move out or date or even get a job I like better than DQ. I’m done being closeted in my parents house and I’m ready to quit early.

I can’t quit early. Firstoff I have friends who care about me, and I can’t imagine what it’d do to them. I’ve got a baby niece in the house too who smiles when she sees me so I gotta live for her too. And that’s not mentioning how difficult and impractical non-painful methods of dying are. Seriously. Best option I have is locking myself in the walk in freezer with a CO2 canister, but I learned from a cool book I read that high concentrations of CO2 will make you feel like you’re suffocating, and the best gas for that purpose is Nitrogen. Which costs money and is very conspicuous.

I also don’t want to die. I just want the suffering to be over, and death really seems to be the only way out aside from Miracles like universal housing passing within the next year or two, or I attain Godhood and can just do as I please. I think about dying and it makes me want to cry. Being on the verge of tears for long periods of time really does something for my perception of my mental health, being that I haven’t been like this since the family dog died. Maybe crying would do me good.

I should probably get a therapist but I don’t have time or energy for my friends, scheduling these things takes time and effort and I don’t want to have to talk to my parents about it. I should probably get antidepressants. Also my laundry basket from yesterday isn’t even all the way filled up and it’s 9:58. And I have work tomorrow but no uniforms. God I just need to rest.

BUT HERE’S THE THING ABOUT REST. I’VE ALREADY HAD A WEEK OFF OF WORK BECAUSE OF THE FEVER. MY JOB IS UNDERSTAFFED AND I CANT MAKE THEM SUFFER THROUGH THAT AGAIN AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

Anyways I have been putting no effort into finding a place since like last year, or finding a therapist. Or really anything. I’m not sure if I can even do that. I have reached my limit. I’m simply not much substance. I’m nice to have around and talk to but quite frankly I don’t have it in me to actually survive on my own. I don’t have it in me to die either. So who knows what is going to happen. I’m going to rot forever. Dying a slow death with nothing but fantasy to dull the edges.

I have a friend who’s offered to let me crash at their place, but I can’t take them up on that offer because I’ll just be the same lifeless rock that I am. Forever. And I can’t do that to them. If I can’t break free on my own then I’m afraid I never will. My chrysalis will just stay gathering dust. Sapping resources. I need to grow wings but I don’t know if I can.

So here I remain. Closeted at my parent’s house. Probably forever. The brain does not engage. I’ve been dead for years but the body still breathes. This is all I am and it is not enough. I’m gonna pretend I live in Star Wars now until I forget the useless thing that I am. I have work tomorrow.

[skaldish]

hey i cant remember your DID blog, im sorry, idm if you answer over there if you tag me.

to start with, i have professionally diagnosed DID and have been dx'd 3 separate times, and i have something i guess i want validation for?

since i was itty bitty i was reading greek mythology, like children's versions (i could read very early - "gifted" kid) at 3-5 and it has always very much been a huge running theme in my life, well i have a lot of religious greek alters.

it makes sense that.. reading about these figures, watching movies like disneys Hercules and stuff especially while experiencing consistent trauma that i would develop these alters with my brain viewing them as powerful and comforting?

and as an adult i have developed a bit of spirituality with them, a deeply, deeply personal relationship and devotion to deific alters formed to protect and care for me

i recently had a whole issue with a friend who told me my perception of the gods were "wrong" and that they could communicate with them for me. that the gods could only visit one person at a time. and it fucked me up so bad even though i knew they were wrong. they traumatized my whole system

because the things i communicate with aren't just the gods, they dont even claim to be the real gods nor speak for them, just "real to the andromeda system". no one can communicate with my version of them because they are *alters* and my perception is based in trauma and my needs at the time of formation

i feel fakey and i generally avoid even mentioning the religious alters to therapists because i dont want to come across as attention seeking. my experience is valid right?

in terms of clarsenses.. maybe thats a part of it too? idk but these guys are inherently different from say. the spirit of the trees. idk its complicated, they can front and care for me and have a place in my headspace. i notice i get some gifts like i asked hermes to help us get the car we wanted since ours is breaking, and we're getting an even better version. i dont understand fully, i just know my experience is different and deeply personal and relevant to my trauma and DID.

last thing; i do have other alters unrelated to the greek pantheon that interact with them in the headspace. ones that are more "normal" i guess like child alters and trauma holders/persecuters and regular protectors (many of the greek ones are protecters/caregivers/managers. a small few hold trauma - like Hera holds the trauma i witnessed my mom go thru and she is a caregiver. some front. some are internal.) i guess im seeking an explanation from someone in a similar position? in terms of being spiritual with a dissociative disorder. especially considering i do feel like i receive gifts from them in the real world im just confused about myself and experiences which feel incredibly complex. it feels like my experiences go hand in hand with each other!

I'll say what I always say in these situations:

It's not a question of "valid" or "invalid," it's a question of what something is. Our feelings are always valid, but that has nothing to do with whether we're accurately interpreting them or not. Discernment is what's important, and as frustrating as it is, no one can really do that work other than you.

I can't even offer much in the way of perspective, to be honest. Despite the fact you and I are in similar positions, my experiences with dissociation and clairsenses are totally different. None of my alters take the form of deities, for one thing, but I've also never had trouble differentiating my alters from deities.

My advice would be to just give it time. Spiritual exploration is full of heavy lifting, and it's something we just work our way through over the course of time.

(Also my brain blog is @prefrontal-bastard, if you ever have questions in the future.)

[subbybunnyboo]

i feel like this is something i can’t post in my channel with friends, but i need to vent

well, if i had made this post two or even one month ago i would have written ‘i fucked up’ as i said i hoped i wouldn’t in my “goodbye post”

but times go by and you start realizing that you were fucking abused and i’m not talking about physical/sexual harm and i havent been degraded (i mean only when i wanted to if you remember thematics of my blog). STRAIGHTLY. now i know what gaslight is first-hand.

i dont want to tell the full story here, just imagine situation when you have to overthink and rethink your every phrase several times before saying it with your partner. or feeling such a miserable person you have to visit therapists and stopping yourself from jumping under the train from thinking that you are a burden. i mean, yes, many people (sadly) experience this, BUT IMAGINE it all disappears right after you break up.

you feel like absolute shit and cry all the time, but when ‘should i kill myself?’-thought crosses your mind it doesnt stay even for a second. like, nah, i dont want to. i dont need to work on this, i just dont think that way

we broke up two months ago and i still feel broken. i tried to meet new people and they do like me and in two days they may treat me better than my ex in 5 months… but i just cant feel anything. they can be hell of a gentleman, get me flowers and coffee, shower me with kind words and we can have a great funny convo about lots of our common interests. but i come home and remember our first ‘date’ and cry. and i dont even cry like CRY, i just try to fall asleep while tears are going down my face. and we talk, meet again. but i feel nothing like i used to.

and i just saw a reels (99% of my feed actually) with a biker, but it was a special one for an unknown reason. i felt summer air. and felt how i want short nights, ‘white’ nights of petersburg, green, motorcycles on streets. and i miss..maybe what pops up in my mind a lot.. when it was “well i wanted to meet with you and i still do, so if you want it too…” “i do” “then what?” “finish your uni task, i’m ordering you a taxi” after he fell asleep when we were supposed to meet and not “what time should i come over?” *no respond* “i wont” “okay” and then blaming me in making scenes and saying “instead of this we could have a talk in discord, or you could be here and play with my dog or we could watch something, but no, you preferred making drama” when i did not make any. well, instead of acting like a jerk for whom i dont exist as well as my feelings, YOU could invite me for real, show me that you wanted me there or offer talking in disco.

no, i was guilty for everything. when this person was guilty - it was my fault. every single time

its just such a person. i dont know if all he has done was on purpose or not. i am not sure if i want to know. but he is probably too smart not to know what exactly he was doing

there is no single day i dont think about him and in my mind i just cant let him go. all that feeling like he is one of a kind. and connection. unhealthy, but connection

there is no abuse without good moments. and such moments make you think maybe if you did something slightly different… if you swallowed such treatment that time… understood him better this time…. but then you open your chat and read how he treats you like literal SHIT and it just hits you hard like a truck

i am deeply hurt. i am a person you should not meet and fall in love with right now. right now i can cause only pain, but im not a sick sadist, i dont enjoy it. but i understood i need to give myself time to heal. not to try meeting new people that would replace him. and for sure not to try to get him back. however, i dont know jf i will follow these words. hopefully.

and when i get free from this, i will meet my dream motorcyclist husband-material. maybe gym rat. maybe scott pilgrim type of nerd. hopefully somebody… kinder. more empathetic. and mature for relationship.

peace

[thebigfudanshi]

I feel like every time something good happens in my life, something bad just always has to happen. I just have to learn ONE more bad thing about life I didn't want to know. Somebody's not who I think they are, my parents act all normal and then stuff just devolves, a say something completely stupid to my friend, there's something wrong with my dog,

I have classes to catch up on, I need to get a goddamn permit, I'm assualted with disgusting images from my brain I DONT WANT TO SEE, I only have one friend, my life is so monotonous I wanna cry. I'm so lonely the only being I've touched in the last year's have been hugging and petting my dog and one brief placement of a hand over mine from my friend that made my heart soar. But shit always goes wrong. I've learned some really horrible shit about a side of my family I never wanted to hear. My family is founded on trauma, both of my parents were abused, in turn I was abused emotionally and neglected, and I'm only just now figuring out who I am and it's fucking scaring me because it shouldn't be like this and everything I know feels fake and my mind is a void that's only running off of thoughts of Dook larue and I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last on this and everything I know is falling apart around me and building up at the same time and I haven't even started my life I'm a fucking 20 year old living in my parents house and nobody seems to realize just how fucking TERRIBLE I'm doing and everything gets brushed away and I STILL can't talk in my house, or I can, but. God my mom told me some terrible shit. None of my relatives are good, hell, not even my dad is who I thought he was, and somebody else I've found out isn't whoi thought they were, and I'm sitting here trying to process .y life because the only way I'll ever remember anything is if I post it online but what's gonna happen if someone finds this and I cant even tell them how I feel, and

My mom offered to let me start counseling through her girlfriends work like her girlfriend is and I'm really really really wanting to take that offer I already told her yes. I need to see a therapist now now now now now

My world is falling apart around me and my default is to curl up and pump my brain full of dook larue I can't do this but I can make any friends because I'm too fucked up my brain is only sexual I'm so scared all the time I can't figure out who I am and I really need someone to hold me and cup my face and tell me it's gonna be alright and they're gonna make my bad thoughts go away cause they're gonna sit with me all day and help me piece myself together because I really can't do this on my own anymore I just can't I can't deal with anything like a normal person and I know too much bad shit about the world that keeps haunting my brain and it hurts so much because I would NEVER ever do it and I know it with all my heart but my brain keeps putting horrible images in my head and I can't do it anymore 8m not gonna kill myself because that's pussy shit but I rreally really really need help I can't do this by myself 8m hurting and I need help I'm admiting it I can't do this. Everyday is the fucking same but I never want to leave the house but Phoebe need to go on walks and socialize and I even did that today but then everything went to shit because I found out something I could've gone without again qnd I dont know how to keep being a person. I've never been a person. Just a shell. Cram me up full of traits I'm stealing off of people. Do I only know how to write because my brain has nothing to do but imagine? I really need therapy and I really need to tell my mom because she's still my guardian because the past year has been a dissociative HELL SPIRAL and I can't even look forward to the thing I was looking forward to because everything went bad all of a sudden like it always does.

Ducky out. I just need... Something. I don't know. I don't have anyone and honestly I'm kinda seeing why. I can't do this anymore man. It's so hard all the time. I don't k ow what to do because I refuse to kill myself and I really do want to live, but everything is so upsetting all the time, I can't see any good in the world coming into my future. I can't see my future. I'm completely stuck where I am. If I never have any... Well I have my best friend and my mutual on here but... I can't fill my life long loneliness like this. I really really need help and I can't get it. I can't even talk to my mom because I'm so scared she's not gonna listen to me again because I told her I was dissociating all year and she doesn't seem to HEAR me. I can't do this guy's I'm so lost. My house is building itself back up back I'm falling into the same old house it used to be and worse. I can't. I just can't. I don't k ow what to do because nobody's ever listened to me in my life but my brother and he can't help me with this. I'm so scared to ask my mom. I can't do anything right. I don't know how long I'm gonna have to type before I forget everything that happened today but it's working so that's good. Maybe I'll just tell my best friend I'm in love with him and stop being so scared I'll fall out of love. I already know he used to like me. Were great friends! I would fucking ruing him so bad and I can't do that to him I can't he's too important to me. I can't keep running in circles like this in a stupid nymphomaniac loop but this is the only thing I can control, right? Because I can't even eat right. I'm under weight. I'm not even 100 pounds, I'm fucking 90 something pounds because nothing in my house looks good unless I'm high and that's a whole different story of addiction. Truth is, I'm so scared of everything, the world, myself, everything. The only saving grace I have is my brother. The only person who's ever known ME.

It's not enough, it'll never be. My brother is my brother. I need someone I can LOVE. To hold, to kiss, to give them all of me to distract me from every terrible fucking thing in the world. Someone who won't misgender me, someone clean, someone just, who is clean. Someone who gets me. Someone who can understand everything. I can't keep running in circles but how am I supposed to break free when im spiraling so fast? There's only three people keeping me sane and it's my brother l, my best friend, and my mutual. You guys keep me going. I don't know what to do anymore.

But truely, as I'm calming down from my feral panic. I don't know what to do. I need help. But I don't know what to do. I need help with that. What do I do? What am I supposed to tell my mom? "My mental health has spiraled so rapidly I'm falling apart at the seams."?

Well she's gonna blame it on herself so I'm gonna be upset and she's gonna be upset and I won't know what to do. She's gonna get home from work and be upset already and every time I try to think of talking to her I start crying. I am now. I feel so fucking helpless I don't know what to do please help me anyone I don't understand anything anymore my life was supposed to be all okay when my parents got divorced and it just got so muchfuckingworse.