#im sick. depression is getting worse. i am so tired

[doodlboy]

mentally ill in the chillis tonight

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

[creativebrainrot]

.

[waitinginthecorner]

I'm gonna be 6 days full sober starting tmmrw unless I fall into the trap of tht dumb ass pre check check shit....I wonder which part of me will win....

[palms-upturned]

.

[audiovisualrecall]

Love how I can ruin something so easily

[29121996]

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[vorpalfae]

Trigger Warning: Rare Illness/Health Issues [wasn't sure if this need a tw but these topics make some ppl uncomfy so i wanted to be considerate anyway💜]

so a lot of ppl have been asking me why i don't post pics anymore or why i have barely been on social media compared to how i used to be. and the reason is i've been having severe health issues for a very long time. i can't even remember the last time i went more than a month without feeling nauseous, or actually throwing up, or just having headaches and stomach pain that are so bad i can barely tolerate them.

i've known for a while that i have gastritis, but my mom & my bf convinced me to go to a new doctor for a second opinion. after months & months of pure agony and feeling exhausted and sick to the point where i have no energy, i finally know why. i went to a specialist and discovered i have a rare illness called CVS (Cyclic vomiting syndrome). and i also am lactose intolerant which was amplifying my symptoms because i eat dairy products constantly.

i am going to be starting treatment for it and i really hope it improves my life and my ability to function because i am so tired of "living" like this. just existing has been exhausting and painful. i literally haven't been able to accomplish any of the goals i have because i can't go more than a few days without feeling horrible.

i already feel useless because i'm autistic and i have bipolar 1 and i'm waiting on disability payments to come through because i am unable to work with my disabilities. so my bf has been working and doing his best to take care of me and our kids. i just feel so horrible and guilty all the time. and i genuinely didn't know why i feel sick 24/7. all i want is to feel like myself again. and to do all the things i miss doing. i feel like i'm trapped by this illness.

i'm grateful to have answers and know what i'm dealing with finally. but after suffering like this almost every single day for so long its so hard to feel hopeful for the future at this point. i'm literally in tears as i type this. its just been really bad. i never do my makeup anymore or feel good about myself. i can barely move sometimes because the pain in my stomach is so bad or i get pain in my throat from vomiting for hours at a time, and then i get MORE pain from dry heaving due to not being able to hold down any food. and then i get random migraines and headaches that last all day as a result of all of that. its taking a huge toll on my body and my mental health. my depression gets worse during the winter season so when this started getting really bad it just made my mental health a million times worse. its literal hell.

but yeah thats why i haven't been online. real life is hard enough and i haven't been motivated to post because of the hell i'm going through or a lot of the time i physically CAN'T make content. but i'm going to keep trying. i'm going to do every fucking thing my doctors tell me to do because im so fed up with suffering. i promise that i will make content again and post the things i create and other stuff i used to post about before i stopped being able to function. as soon as i start to feel semi normal or at least well enough to do daily activities and complete even small goals, i will post about it. i'll keep u guys updated.

i appreciate every single person who follows me and my content, and all the ppl who keep checking up on me and wondering where the fuck i went. i love you guys so much💜 and i'm so sorry to all the ppl who haven't heard from me. if i can gain at least a little bit of my physical strength and health back, i will be so happy. i also am trying to get vitamins prescribed to me because im severely lacking nutrients but they are so expensive and i can't afford them out of pocket until i get my disability money. i'm also anemic and have to start taking iron supplements again. i'm just a giant ball of health issues😭 its actually ridiculous how bad my health has been. but i'm a mom and for that reason i will never stop trying. i will do whatever it takes to get better. i don't think my health could get much worse than it is currently. hopefully i didn't just jinx myself by saying that😭

sorry for the super long explanation, i just have sooo many messages in my inbox and questions that you guys send me that i haven't answered. i don't want to leave u in the dark. the connections i've made on this silly little blog mean the world to me. and everything i've been going through has been so hard to explain. but since i recently got a REAL answer as to why i'm suffering so much, i felt it was a good time to let you guys know what is going on with me. like i said, when i am able to feel somewhat normal again i will post consistently and re-open my shop too! it sucks so bad having a passion for creating but being too sick to even get out of bed other than to get sick in the bathroom. i've been to the emergency room more times this month than i have in the last 4 years. if i can overcome this awfulness i will not take it for granted. i will work harder than i ever have to create and share it with the world. but for now i just have to sit back and do whatever my doctors tell me to do and hope to god that it helps me 😞

[ungodly-amounts-of-godly-trauma]

wotw round 1

propaganda under the cut!

leliana:

shes a companion in the first game and a major character in the third. between these games she becomes the spymaster for the girlpope and actively aids in and supports its various atrocities. this is NEVER EVER AKNOWLEDGED BY THE FANDOM. this isnt a bit! i go through her tag on ao3 and tumblr regularly and NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THIS??? all her content about her romance is fluffy and nice (which. Um. Yeah im sure thats not due to lesbophobia at all. (shes bi, but the majority of people who romance her do so as a woman)) EVEN DURING THE TIME PERIOD WHERE SHE IS APART OF THE ORGANIZATION THAT IS DOING LIKE SIX SEPARATE GENOCIDES AT ONCE AND IS ACTIVELY DISENFRANCHISING THE PEOPLES THAT HER LOVER CAN BELONG TO???? HUH??? just because she Says she supports certain things (and to her credit she does later. just way after the helping with genocide) does not erase her active role in furthering the oppression of various peoples in thedas. this isnt even getting into all of her other more minor flaws people erase all the time(i am very tired but otherwise i WOULD) if only because this is enough. Can people please please like women without pretending they dont have flaws come the fuck on

martin blackwood:

listen my memory of this podcast is so loose BUT in canon he's a cunning and competent person, he actively works to sabotage the evil organization he's forced to work for, he gets trapped in a sort of limbo-state version of reality meant to isolate him from the world and decides on his own to try to get out instead of submitting to it, he was literally theorized to be working for the Web by some people and YET everyone just sort of takes the way he was in s1 (in love with the main character, very timid, etc) and ignores all of his character development 👍 there are some major martin soldiers who could explain this better

he's great actually he's committed minor arson. he killed his boyfriend (necessary). he's got incredible mommy issues. he's manipulative. he's angry and wonderful and kind and the fandom has dumbed him down to this uwu chubby tea lover softboi and i HATE IT

Hated by his sick single mother, but still cared for her till she died. Spent two weeks trapped in his apartment by a worm lady and didn't lose his head. Always tries to be kind and give people tea, but beware the nice ones. He will murder you once the apocalypse comes around. Especially if you hurt him or his boyfriend. The fandom may sometimes only remember the tea and the meekness but don't be fooled!

so many things. mainly a shitty mom and Spooky Depression though

[bunnihearted]

idk... i do just wish i was dead because... im always alone like.. sure i can study, go to class, go to the gym and the library and go for walks and do all the things you're supposed to do to feel better according to therapists and everyone else. but then what? i do all of those things and i still feel lonely and sad. because i see everyone else having people. the girl at the gym was talking to her friend on the phone. a couple in the store was talking about what movie to watch when they get home. a mom and daughter were out for a walk. most days i dont even speak because i have no one to speak with. it feels worse to live with people when we are just ruins of a broken family. everyone in this apartment is stressed and suicidal and hostile. it makes me feel more lonely when i live with people but our relationships are so broken and none of us have it in us to mend them. then i dont have any friends to hang out with or go to places with or do anything with. reading books and watching shows and going to school and exercising and meditating will never "fix" me or make me feel better because my entire existence is contaminated by the extreme sense of loneliness in me. it also makes me hopeless that i am so profoundly unlikeable. because even if i do get a job and participate in society, who's to say i would even be able to make friends or find a partner? im only someone who exists in people's periphial. i wanna be dead because im sick and tired of people telling me to try harder and choose to be happy and get therapy and do things you usually enjoy even if you're depressed because none of it will ever make a difference when im cursed to always be all alone.

[iliana-the-dreamer]

a message for ed tumblr

to anyone who cares to read - (ed tw)

my girlfriend is my everything. i think she might be the love of my life. she matters to me more than anything else in the world.

over the last few years my mental illnesses have progressed and trauma ive experienced continues to affect me every day. it is really difficult to see an end in sight.

im trying to get into therapy… i haven’t spoken to a therapist since i was in middle school and im nearly 21 now. im trying to work it out with my mom. its been a long time coming. i promised my gf this a long time ago and i need to follow thru on a promise for once in my life this matters more than anything.

i want to graduate college on time. i have been plagued by the fear that my ed and depression will stop me from doing so.

it is so so hard to focus on my future when i feel utterly stuck in my past.

fights with my gf leave me hating myself because i don’t understand why i can’t just get better, recover and be normal. i don’t understand why i have no motivation some days to fight for a better life and am helpless. i am trapped. ive been trapped by the seemingly never-ending pain in my brain and body since 2019.

the symptoms of my ed are severe. i also have chronic illness (diagnosed pots, some other shit autoimmune issues and potentially ehlers danlos, although i have heard that both are associated with eating disorders, scary as that is). i have chronic fatigue and small fiber nerve pain.

i have been around ~10 lb or so underweight on avg for the majority of the past 16 months. im cold all the time. ive lost so much normal control over my bladder and bowels. my brain fog makes it impossible to focus on anything. im miserable. i want my old brain back and i want my life back. i still don’t think of myself as sick enough but the truth is that i never will.

i need to recover.

my body is tired. tired of being mistreated by me. i am (mostly) sh free for almost two years (in january). that is an accomplishment. i need to fight harder against my self-destructive personality.

im in my shitty dorm bed next to my sleeping gf. i know that i need to get better for her. she deserves better. she has brought my greater joy than i had ever known before. i don’t want to imagine my life without her in it with me. she has told me many times that she can’t stay with me if i keep getting worse. she is supporting me in getting better and now is the time. i can’t keep putting it off, i can’t keep letting everyone else pass me by while i put off trying to make a better life for myself. i deserve to eat. every day i deserve to eat. i need to tell myself this every day even though i won’t always believe it.

i have the irrational fear that i won’t stop gaining weight forever. it is irrational. i need to find the weight that my body is happy at because as it stands i don’t know what that is but i know it isn’t where im at now.

i know that i need to fight for myself and for my health to make things right. i fear losing my love more than anything else - much more than gaining weight, even more than death. i don’t think i can forget the look in her eyes as she begged me to stop starving myself. i can’t live with the guilt of hurting her as i hurt myself. i have to break the relapse cycle, i know that i might relapse over and over but i have to try to keep going no matter what. i want a better life for myself and for her.

it is never worth it to do this to yourself. being skinny won’t make you happy. most days i don’t like what i see in the mirror and some days its like i don’t even recognize myself. suffering like this isn’t worth it. that voice in your head wants you to slowly k*ll yourself. you know it’s true. i want to choose to fight it every day for the rest of my life or else i know i can’t truly be happy. if anyone is reading this and needs help or wants to talk please message me.

love iliana

[playboynanners]

i wanna start off by telling u i am sorry!! i wanna tell u about all this crazy shit in my head, and want to open up and want to talk about my feelings but no matter what, i just cant make out the right words...? like it feels like cant properly put my thoughts and emotions into words i guess??

all i want to do right now is cry and scream and let it all out because its killing me inside. i cant take it anymore. i feel weird. i dont want to do anything. i always feel tired. i dont have any energy. a part of me broken. something is def weighing on my heart. i just feel so fucking suffocated. i feel like i am so far behind in life that i will never catch up. everyone is doing so many things with their lives. and i am just here. i really dont think i can do this its getting dark again. and im afraid. im too tired to carry on. i want MYSELF back bro is that too much to ask for? i deffff know its getting bad because even sleep and music dont help and i feel sick all the time and i just want to disappear. i really feel like there is no happy ending for me . thats why getting through the days is hard rayen i honestly from the bottom of my heart know its all for nothing. u guys are waiting for me to get over it, to finally do something with my life, and i know u guys are getting impatient. but what u guys dont know is that im already gone. i dont like who i am. there is nothing good about me. i am sick of wasting my time. i am worn out. i so fucking tired. the anxiety consumes me at times i feel like i cant breathe i cant think straight intrusive thoughts of self distraction consume my mind i am sooo fucking sick of this version of myself!!!!! im fucking tired of the poor choices i keep making. i truly believe i have hit rock bottom. this is the humblest i have ever been because my ego has nothing to be proud of. i know i knowww it is important to be gentle with myself but its also crucial to be honest. im not taking care of myself. im doing drugs, im on social media all day. i either dont eat healthy, or i dont eat at all. i dont exercise. i watch things that arent positive and go to sleep and wake up late. i am sick to my stomach as i write this. i just want to go up from here because i cant live this way anymore. i dont wanna live this way anymore. but like if you never felt like the way i do right now... the drained , depression . WORTHLESS feeling ... then u cant say shit about me "getting better starts with yourself bs" LIKE UH ? YEAH I HATE MYSELF AND DONT GIVE A FUCKKKKK ABOUT NUN SO WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? like i honestly didnt even think i would be alive at my age i thought i wouldve been dead by 20 so u can only imagine how lost i feel lol. i dont know what to do with my life and i feel like im just wasting away most days. and i dont fucking know how to fix it. maybe this is my time for me and im supposed to be enjoying it for exactly what it is? like i dunno i just know i always fucking ruin EVERYTHINGGGG . i casually sabotage all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesnt feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring. i really want to kill whats inside of my head. i hate living like this day after day. i just want my pain to end bro . i see how everyone looks at me like i’m a burden, how they fake concern only to switch up at me the next second. i don’t want to be this way, im so lost and alone and i just don’t see the point anymore. this is the loneliest i have ever felt. i don't have a shoulder to cry on when im sad, i have got legit no one to go to. i have noooo tears left to cry dude. my heart hurts so much. my insides are burning. i dont know how to help myself. i legitimately try and i make it worse. i wanna scream all this hurt and pain out. can i just lose my memory just so i can take a break from feeling this way? im not sure how long i can handle this alone anymore all honesty .

AND i wouldnt say im "addicted" to drugs and alcohol (JUST YET lol) butttt what i hate about liking them is that once you know how that high feels and the break from reality you get from everything you will FOREVER know how good it felt and thats the problem. u can be days, months, years of being clean. but i know when you quit its gonna be hard years down the road. i would take it alllll back and not start doing any of it. it turns from "just one time trying it" to "i promise this is the last time" but all honestly i dont know how to stop or be normal in this world sober anymore.

and to sum it alllll up i just want / need someone who can hug me and tell me that im not as worthless as i think i am i feel so fucking empty sometimes and its so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time.

[suedrawl]

AUGH, DAMMIT

financial vent

I went -$88, even after adjusting my budget and a friend’s support. i feel so shitty. scared my account is finally going to be shut down after so many negatives this year (thanks predatory capitalism and banking systems)

i went over what i spent. I caught up on gas, electric, paypal credit, spent some to pablo, helped a friend out, and donated to extra life stuff

but the day i did my grocery/costco run is where i went over. and i shouldn’t had treated myself with genshin impact gems ($20ish?) and new disposable vape (also $20ish)

part of me is like…god i’m so embarrassed. but i screwed up so others should see this and be disappointed /:

but. idk you grew up so poor and get sick of being paycheck to paycheck and not allowing yourself any fun or enjoyment, and it’s so hard to grasp when depressed

and there’s so much im behind on, even a few hundred dollars and i’m still catching up. i still need to pay my psychiatrist bill, hopefully before it goes into collections. my apple card is months behind and i’m working out a payment plan. i really need to pay off paypal credit and be done with that (and i’m not even thinking of the $12,000 medical bill that’s been outstanding for years)

also the lowkey oof that i avoid the questioning from ppl here about traveling to TN during the holidays, and then that reminds me I’m wanting to get xmas gifts in order soon

fdhgssghkgfdhhfsg

anyway im… feeling pretty rough ngl. i had a burst of energy this saturday and likely overdid it trying to get as much as i could done (exercise hardcore making trip back and forth from car after the costco run ow). sunday i overslept (no win tbh, body desperate to sleep but then also can’t) and also spent a couple hours cleaning and organizing before bed last night. now, i’m pretty achey, bad headache, stiff, been bloated/IBS, dizzy (kinda flu like sensations, but fibromyalgia)

i have some goals, things to do this week, projects to catch up on, want to do NaNo, cleaning apartment properly, contact doctors/set up appointments, have a lot to cook/prep so healthy food i bought doesn’t go bad, wanted to help Pablo on some things, been really bad socializing and hanging with friends, and the list keeps going. i know i should be rly thankful that i don’t have to currently be working in retail again, among other blessings that allow me space to rest and heal. so it could be a lot worse

still, wish i could function better. and not to blame it all on chronic illnesses/I should be accountable—more and more i’m realizing how limited i am when sick

hhhhhhhhh i’m tired. i’m really sorry

[hotchshands]

vent below cut :))

is any one else sick and tired of feeling discouraged, depressed, and just overall shit?! like i feel like i’ve put in so much energy into the tiniest shit or i just put in no energy at all and it’s all the same. none of it pays off or makes me feel satisfied. i know im taking in very broad terms cause there are too much examples of why i feel hopeless.

to name a few: first i’m going to an expensive school and getting As yet i can’t seem to find internships or opportunities that will help me post-grad. said expensive school can’t even get someone from career services to help instead just refer you out to your advisor or the “learning center” like your name is career services tf?! professors don’t even help you… like what am i paying yall for?!! i know i need to go out and look for these opportunities but i don’t even know what to look for and can never find anything interesting or get anyone to reply to my application or accept it.

oh and on top of that my dad keeps pestering me about it and about making friends, exercising, getting out, and dating apps?! like i have made friends but said friends always end up leaving me for others or just sucking. and i would go out if i had any time or energy to do so! and exercise only makes me feel more insecure about my body then i already do. and dating apps?! like huh?! why would i want to date when men suck and after i almost dated a guy just for him to up and leave the to other side of the country after he sa’d me… that was my first ever romantic experience so yeah i don’t think i ever wanna experience that again.

to make ^ worse my sister is in a new relationship and she’s always getting into new ones and always with the wrong people. on the other hand i have to live with my brother and his boyfriend :))) love the constant reminder that i will probably never have someone who will choose to be with me for me and not sex.

i know that at the end of the day i’m responsive for my own happiness or whatever but the things that make be happy only seem to make others not or don’t actually make me money or lead to making money. sadly money makes the world go round.

before you get concerned i do go to therapy i just freeze up and never fully discuss my problems and i may have stopped taking my antidepressants…

anyways if you actually read this thanks

[thinnerage]

Having Depression and anxiety like it’s my first and last names today. Feeling so sick and tired of being broke, dependent on others, and fat. Still so fat. All the comments come back at me. I never realized it but I’m the fat girl. Idk why I thought anything else but that. I hate being fat. It’s like I have all the other stuff going on and am over weight? Interesting fasting would work if I could just stick to it. Fuck anything would work if I’d stick to it but I’m so soft on myself. I can only hold it together for a day? Follow my stupid rules for 12 hours and next day go back to old habits. I’m so over being sad. I’m over being poor. I’m over constantly thinking how could a guy like me . I want it to be a no brainer. I miss when guys chased me in a good way. I miss when I knew a guy liked me. Now… guys don’t like me. They mess with my feelings get me thinking maybe they like me but all reality they just mess with my feelings. This guy at work made me feel like shit today. I’ve always had a little crush on him and he knows it too. So what if I’m the problem. I know I’m the problem. I’m my own damn problem.

It’s weird being single. I’ve been single for 4 years now. It’s so embarrassing. No one wants to love me .im broken on the inside. There’s no fixing me. My heart is shattered, withered away. Nothing left but a hole in my chest.

I wish I could keep my mouth shut at work. I wish I was the mute girl. The girl we all ignored because she’s really not even there. I wish I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I wish I could just be myself. I wish I had my friends around me. I wish I didn’t crave attention. I wish I wasn’t so dumb. I promise myself I wouldn’t talk about myself but I just have no way of feeling anything. Crying is my source of feeling. I’m afraid this is all I am. I’m afraid I will always struggle. I’m worried this is who I am. I’m not the woman I grew up believing I would be I’m my very own worse nightmare.

[elegantcode]

everything in my life genuinely fucking sucks to the point where it feels like its not even worth trying anymore. i am constantly living in a state of spiral and stress and depression and anxiety. the world is falling apart. i am not well. i can't escape anywhere because my brain won't allow me to make it work anymore.

the safe spaces i've curated over the years are deteriorating before my very eyes. fandom sucks now and is all people accusing each other of this ism or that ism or getting angry that someone ships something different than you. i can barely write anymore, i can't rp like i used to. all my friends are probably going through the same thing because they don't write either while constantly telling me that they want to

i try to explain myself all the time to everyone and it feels like im just yelling inside of a soundproof see-through case. they can see im upset and that i'm distraught and not doing well, but they're not actually listening to the words i'm saying because i've repeated them over and over again and they never acknowledge it

i can't eat the food i want to eat because itll make me sick. i'm afraid of eating new things, and eating the fruits and vegetables that will help me be healthy. i take a breath wrong and i'm falling into a miserable anxiety attack that lasts for weeks on end and sometimes builds up to massive panic attacks. my entire body hurts and aches in ways it never did before and i'm constantly afraid i'm actually dying or that i'll die before i truly am able to leave this hellhole and heal from all the mental damage that's been caused to me through years and years of emotional and physical abuse

i can't take medication, i can't self medicate. i don't have money

i'm overstimulated constantly and trying to find the joy in anything lately is just has no fucking point. whats the point of trying to play a video game if it just overheats my room and my grandpa turns on the heat and screams at me

whats the point of trying to write, if i can't actually write with people or if people won't care about what i write? whats the point of reading or watching tv or movies if everytime i try to talk about it and be excited about something no one listens to me or dismisses me or just straight up ignores what im talking about

i feel fucking invisible and alone and im so tired of being depressed and anxious because its like theres no end in sight and its only going to get worse from here

i've spent every single night of the last week sobbing myself to sleep and just waiting for the next day and hoping itll be better but it never is

its always fucking worse