#i realised recently that i never really reacted to the fact that my father literally tried to kill me

[kyun-toast]

[ATEEZ] Mafia!Hongjoong - Fateful

word count: 2.2k warnings: explicit language, gun use, death, mentions of alcohol summary: a feisty baby for a feisty scorpio a/n: I started writing this so loyal to mafia!ateez but now that I’ve watched kingdom, I’ve changed my mind - I wanna be a pirate hoe.

“You forgot your toothbrush.” You said, sat by the desk, arms crossed. “Good thing I didn’t finish unpacking right, you can take your shit just the way it came in the boxes, hmm?” You didn’t get angry very often due to the pure fact that your expectations for your boyfriend were so low at this point. The way that your words, let alone your face, held no emotion terrified the boy. He shuffled around your apartment, gathering his things with eyes to the ground in guilt.

“Can you hurry up? I have places to be.” You said, fingers massaging your temple.

Stopping in his tracks, the boy turned to you with pleading eyes for the nth time today, “Baby, I’m so sorry, please, I didn’t mean to hurt you like tha-”

“I’m sorry, what? You disrespected me, not hurt me, there’s a difference-”

“Why are you doing this to me? You know I love you.” He pleaded.

“Is that a serious question right now? You cheated with my assistant in your first week as intern at my firm, then tried and miserably failed to gaslight and manipulate me into believing your lies which I find pretty bold considering that I’m literally a lawyer. I respect the attempt though.”

“Baby, it was an acci-”

“No, shut up, I’m not done speaking. And you did this while I bought out this apartment for you because I felt bad for your sorry ass having to live with your dumb friends. I had to spoon feed you through law school and now through life too? You should be grateful that I’m letting you leave with all your things considering I bought them all too.”

He stood there with his hands gathered, staring back at the floor again.

“What. You got nothing to say? I thought so. You gonna leave now or what?” You questioned. He took his boxes, feet dragging across the floor to the door. You rolled your eyes as you closed the door on him. Before needing to look for a new intern and a new assistant, you needed a drink more than anything.

-

It was a regular Friday evening at the bar for Hongjoong and the boys. In celebration of Ateez’s successful expansion of their ‘business ventures’, Hongjoong had decided to spend the rest of the day at their usual spot. Despite having been set up for the sole purpose of laundering their dirty money, Bar 1117 was doing ironically well. Due to the nightlife business booming, Hongjoong had gained another alibi to keep him under the radar and he couldn’t be more comfortable with where his life was at.

“No, I reckon it’s Yeosang” San said, bringing the glass of whisky to his lips.

“I back that, he’s not got the emotional capacity for it.” Woo agreed, laughing.

“Yeah, just because I don’t take any of your shit doesn’t mean I’ll do the same to my wife. I bet Mingi. He’s definitely getting married last.” Yeo rebutted.

“What wh-”

Before Mingi could finish, Seonghwa cut through, “Considering our line of work, no one’s gonna be getting married any time soon. Right Joong?”

Turning to the leader of the boys, Seonghwa saw that Hongjoong had his head turned away from the conversation, eyes scanning up and down a figure at the bar. Hongjoong was never a man to be distracted by anything or anyone, always focused on his business so it was a rare occurrence for him to be looking so intently at a person. The boys catching onto this, they followed his gaze to a man sat so close to the lucky person’s face, his facial expressions showing his desperation for a way to break down their walls.

“This might be interesting…” Wooyoung smirked.

-

“I genuinely couldn’t care less.” You said, head cocked to the side in your hand, staring dead straight into the man’s eyes. However, the man had no intention of ever stopping his speech as he sat next to you at the bar.

“Come on, you really don’t know my father? He was in today’s paper?” He carried on as you zoned out of the conversation and occasionally cringed at the man’s stale breath, wondering how many more men were going to be responsible for the deepening wrinkles between your brows. As you took a sip from your drink, you locked eyes with a blonde-haired man across the room. His features were delicate yet sharp like the thorn of a rose, or a shard of glass, eyes twinkling with mischief. He raised his glass at you and smirked, amused by the situation that you were in.

“Listen here, bitch-” The man grabbed your wrist, forcing your attention back to him, “You’re gonna take the drinks I buy you, listen when I speak and sit pretty like a woman is supposed to.” He spat.

“Grrrr, scary.” You crudely imitated the growl in the man’s voice, still uninterested, “What a man your mother raised. I bet she’s proud, hmm?”

Anger radiating from the man’s body, he grabbed the glass out of your hand and threw it at the wall behind you, missing your face by inches.

“Oh, so now you’re going to scare me into sleeping with you? You need to brush up on some people skills.” You laughed, throwing you head back. You only composed yourself to grab the man’s collar, causing him to stumble off his stool. “You want to throw another glass at me? Try it.”

You hadn’t noticed the blonde-haired man stroll up to your table seeing that you were so caught up in the situation.

“Hi, I’m Hongjoong. How’s your night going? Anything I can help you with?” He asked, rubbing his hands together, surprisingly composed despite the mess. You let go of the man as the name triggered something in your head, remembering it being mentioned a few times behind closed-door meetings with your father.

“Are all the whores around here like this? I came here for some fun and this is how I’m treated? Fuck this place and every one of you here.” The man started at Hongjoong. You sat there, curling your fists ready to punch the man this time but Hongjoong noticed and interjected.

He placed his hands on the ledge of the table, leaning forward to obstruct the space between you and the man. As he did, you noticed the glimpse of a gun hanging from inside his fitted jacket, the slick shine of the metal winking at you in the light.

“I’d rather die than come to this shithole again.” The man carried on and you noticed the mischievous glint that was once in Hongjoong’s eyes finally fade to black.

“Oh, sure thing, I don’t think I want to see you here again anyway.” Hongjoong muttered and what happened in the next few seconds flew by so fast it barely registered in your brain.

The blonde-haired man reached into his jacket to pull the handgun out and shoot the man clean between the brows. At the same time, you pointed the small pistol you always kept concealed on your body at Hongjoong in reflex, having been taught to react to the sound of gunmetal in this way since you were a child.

Once you realised that the bullet wasn’t intended for you, you sensed seven pairs of eyes trained on you. Out of the corner of your vision, you saw that the boys once sat at Hongjoong’s table were all stood up, half of their guns out pointed to the man, and the other half at you, the next possible threat to their leader.

It was then that you realised that this man was the leader of Ateez, Seoul’s biggest underground organization responsible for the running of the city. It may have been politicians and businessmen in the spotlight, but behind the curtains, it was Ateez pulling at their puppet strings.

“Easy with that, angel.” Hongjoong turned to you smiling and raised a hand at the boys to lower their weapons. He continued chuckling, “I felt like you might have an attitude, but I didn’t expect this from you.”

As if it were a regular occurrence, two barmen came round to dispose of the body and your eyes followed, gun still pointing at the blonde man. Using the tip of his fingers, he gently lowered your gun to point at the floor.

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” he said, “I know some people that can sort that out.”

“Yeah those people are my paralegals paying off police in their missing persons hunts and forging their death certificates.”

Everything had fallen into place for you in that brief encounter. You knew that your father and his firm were involved in some dark business, but you never questioned it. Respecting your father’s wishes in telling you that keeping you in the dark was keeping you safe, you let it go.

However, it was only a few years ago that he had begun to tell you about his private dealings as consigliere to the organisation Ateez. That recently, his age-old friend had stepped down as mob boss and handed everything down to his son. Chuckling at how much he saw the image of his friend in the young blood, he mentioned that you would be in a similar position, that you too would be handed the law firm and become consigliere by tradition.

You had always expected to take up this mantle since you were young, as you figured that the men coming to your house for private meetings while you played in the garden did not treat you with unparalleled respect for no reason. You just didn’t realise that it would mean for you to be so heavily tied with the illicit world of the mafia then.

From then on, you trained close by your father’s side, learning the ins and outs of the world of jurisdiction, though you were never exposed directly to the ongoings with the mafia as your father had said, “the time will come when it needs to.”

“Then I guess today is the day.” You whispered to yourself smiling, you held your hand out to Hongjoong. “I’m Y/N L/N, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, my father has always spoken very highly of you.”

Confused at first, a spark was ignited in Hongjoong as the shine returned to his eyes, and the amused smirk to his lips, your name triggering something in him. Realising that you were the daughter to one of the men he most respected in his life, he took your hand and brought it to his face to kiss gently, “And it’s a pleasure to meet you too, I’ve heard a great deal about you as well, but who knew my future right-hand man would be so hot.” He said as he flashed a sly smile.

The more he observed, the flames within Hongjoong only grew as he could sense the fire in you too. The most beautiful person he had ever set eyes on was to be his consigliere? Couldn’t be any more perfect. He wondered what more you could achieve together and pictured only pure wildfire.

“You better watch your mouth Mr. Kim, unless you want to start a war between the family before I even take up my position.”

“Of course, I have nothing but respect for you and your father. I was told that I wouldn’t be meeting you until he was to step down from his position, but I guess my lucky stars have aligned perfectly tonight.”

“Also, I’m more than capable of dealing with these things myself, there was no need for you to play knight in shining armour.”

“Sure, holed up in your guarded palace of a law firm, you’ve never had experience in the real world. Things are different here and what happened at this bar is just the cusp of it, princess.” He rebutted voice dripping honey, flirting his way through the conversation.

“But who is it advising your every action and saving your asses in the courtrooms, hmm?”

You and Hongjoong continued to jab at each other while the boys sat back in disbelief at the situation. Common people would have run the other way as soon as a gun was shot in their vicinity. So for you to have pulled one out in retaliation and furthering that, started arguing with their Captain, it was a sight to see.

“Bets on who’s going to win this one?” Yunho broke the silence.

“I’m betting tonight’s drinks on the lady.” Mingi said, throwing his black card onto the table.

“Me too, Hongjoong hyung looks too smitten for pride games right now.” Jongho agreed.

“Looks like we’ve got our first to tie the knot then.” San chuckled, nudging at Wooyoung who replied, “Hmmm, she doesn’t look like the typical housewife type though.” Analysing the unmatched confidence exuding from your body language.

Soon after, Hongjoong led you to the table of boys, pulling a chair out for you.

“Guys, this is Y/N L/N, future consigliere to Ateez, and not to mention, my future wife.” He smirked, eyes glowing.

“Carry on and I’ll be future Captain by regicide, Hongjoong,” you shot him a glare as you took your seat, “considering our fateful encounter, it looks like I’ll be seeing you more often with my father now, I hope we can get along.”

You poured yourself a glass of whisky and smiled while Hongjoong could already sense the eventful days ahead with none other than you by his side. -

Mafia AU Masterlist

[frosteee]

The Existential Terror of Asura [Soul Eater]

It's been a long time since I've thought about Soul Eater, but I've been thinking about it a lot recently and I wanted to talk about it. I've been thinking maybe a bit too much, which is relevant.

Asura resonated (sorry) with me years ago when I first got into the series, and he does even more now, for what he says about fear and its effects, and how the wrong response to individuals suffering from that fear can cause a spiral into even worse depths.

[LONG ASS POST UNDER CUT]

Lord Death created the first Kishin, Asura. Literally and figuratively. There's no two ways about it. Excalibur tells him as much in his final moments, telling him how wrong it was to create a being out of his own fears. Lord Death acknowledges that Asura, his own son, was created as an experiment, a means to the end of becoming a perfect god of Absolute Order. The quote from Voltaire's short story 'Memnon' comes to mind here: 'One day, Memnon conceived the insane idea of becoming perfectly wise.'

This foolish, if well-intentioned, effort was successful in Lord Death's case, but the consequences for those around him were horrendous. Early in the manga, Lord Death is unable to admit it out loud. Even the way he recounts Asura's fall into madness and betrayal, and how he dealt with that consequence, speaks to Lord Death's detachment, his lack of compassion and understanding at that time. He removes his relation to Asura entirely, removing the truth of the matter and placing himself on the moral high ground in the process.

When he is recounting Asura's downfall, Lord Death remarks that he did not know what lay in Asura's heart, pondering if it was fear. He does not seem to realise or take responsibility for the fact that Asura is literally his anxiety incarnate. He understood on some level that no being, god or otherwise, could stand such a condition, and was careful not to make the same mistake with Kid, but Lord Death (at that point) was unable to admit or think of Asura as anything other than a traitor and a threat.

Lord Death taught Kid that the real purpose of a Reaper was balance - conveniently forgetting to mention how he came by that particular titbit of wisdom - his eldest son, the most unbalanced creature to ever breathe.

I remember being in the car on my way to school with my dad. At the time I was suffering from an intense anxious phase where I was deathly afraid of bad weather - even something as harmless as dark clouds. I would cry when I opened my curtains and looked out. I didn't want to leave the house. I remember my dad saying to me: "You keep this up, and you'll be a nervous wreck."

That scared me, but I didn't know what to do to stop being scared. My fixation with the weather passed, somehow, later, but when I was in the grip of it I was powerless to do anything because I didn't understand, and neither did my parents. I was already a nervous wreck, and the prospect of a future where this continued, or became worse, only terrified me more.

Luckily, while my dad was never the best at handling my fears (more from his own 'pick yourself up' mindset and fear for me than disinterest or lack of love), my mum was always there to get me the help I needed and talk to me about my feelings. I still struggle today, but I have a good support system and am better equipped to handle and understand my feelings.

Asura had nothing and nobody like that. His father, Lord Death, created a fully mature being with full concept of his own makeup - the fears that Lord Death had discarded, the fears that made Lord Death flawed, imperfect, and wrong. Lord Death made a son of one of the the most corrosive and self-sabotaging emotions and was surprised when that didn't turn out well!

Lord Death saw a man, his son, so utterly terrified by the world, people, and himself, that he couldn't bear to go out without the protection of layers upon layers of clothing, a being so crippled by fear that he kept everything and everybody at arm's length, even his own partner Vajra, and spent his days in a state of constant introspection, barely paying attention to the outside world and mumbling incoherently.

Lord Death looked at that man, that firstborn child of his, and allowed that to continue. There's no indication he tried to ease Asura's anxieties, or help him in any way. Asura was a powerful member of his elite order, and that seemed to be all that mattered until it was too late. What kind of parent sees their child in such a state and does nothing?

Who looks at this and does nothing?

Lord Death created a nervous wreck of a man, and was both surprised and furious when that nervous wreck finally broke under the strain. Lord Death and others talk about Asura 'forgetting his discipline/teachings' and disobeying, like he was supposed to magically be able to handle being mortally afraid!

Being so helpless against the condition of his being, Asura sought the only thing available to him - the only thing he was valued for: power, and disobeyed his father.

Lord Death's response? To rip all of Asura's skin off his body and seal him inside it for the next eight hundred years, and doing everything possible to keep Asura there.

We all know that sealing something away and putting a rug over it never works, especially in fiction, so it was only a matter of time before Asura was freed, but in an emotional and moral point of view it was so, so wrong.

Asura had been gripped in fear for all his life, unable to healthily cope with it, and spent so much time in his own head his thoughts were coming out of his mouth as frantic whispers. The worst thing Lord Death could have possibly thought of as a punishment was to isolate Asura entirely.

I don't remember if this appeared in the manga, but in the anime (Lord Death and Asura's second/final confrontation), Asura tells Death of the things he thought about while in that sack of skin, because the only freedom he had left was to think. The worst possible thing for anyone, especially someone suffering from anxiety, is to do nothing but think. All this exercise does, and did with Asura, is exacerbate and breed more anxieties, and further embed them into the mind.

Left with nobody but himself to find a way out of the existential terror of his own thoughts, Asura came to realise that he had been an experiment, a tool, not a son. He refers to our heroes at puppets of Lord Death, as he once was, and regards Lord Death as nothing but a tyrant. Up until the revelation that he and Kid are brothers, Kid himself had never questioned Lord Death. Asura had eight hundred years to do that.

Eight hundred years in a stew of your own existential dread.

In the anime series, Asura concluded that it was the ability to imagine the future that was the source of fear. He who had spent so long terrified of the what if's and maybes, tortured by uncertainty, he sought to create a world where there was nothing but the immediate, static present, where nothing like that could exist.

Lord Death's response? "Sorry, I'll kill you for real this time" or "I've had enough of your rants!"

In either anime or manga, he never addresses or responds to Asura's thoughts or feelings. Even when Lord Death realised the error of making his eldest son the way he was, he never communicated this to Asura personally. To Asura he was flippant, dismissive and angry, acting as if Asura was solely responsible for the evil he did when Lord Death knew it wasn't. He'd sooner punish and hurt Asura than actually help him, a consequence of becoming 'Order' with no room for those who challenge or question it. It's like taking a young offender into a prison full of nasty criminals and violence and being shocked when they come out worse than when they went in.

His suffering son is a blemish, a shame, a threat. At one point, Lord Death even threatens to put Asura through the same existential hell again. Can people really blame Asura for hating him and turning on everything Lord Death cares about (more than he ever did his own son)?

In making his anxiety a person, Lord Death was obviously going to detach himself from Asura as an individual. Asura is everything he wanted to dispose of, only powerful and capable of taking out his enemies en masse. He was clearly only kept around and tolerated for that purpose, but never looked upon or valued as a thinking being capable of feeling and reacting to the condition of his birth.

Asura is Lord Death's biggest, most horrendous and reprehensible act. It's not a mistake, either. Lord Death intentionally created Asura to be the way he was, with no mind for the consequences until it blew up in his face. And when it did, not only was Lord death not humbled or sorry, but he pinned all the blame on Asura in a fit of rage and punished him - and punished him in the worst way both for Asura himself and for the world in general.

Lord Death treated Asura and his mental breakdown like a rabid dog to be locked away and forgotten about. That is not something a good parent does. A good parent acknowledges their hand in their children's problems, they talk to them, they help them out.

Lord Death may have been a good father to Kid, but he was the absolute worst Asura could have had. And Kid, aside from that flicker of doubt, doesn't acknowledge it, continuing to praise Lord Death and be the true Death God Lord Death had wanted.

Asura lashes out and sees everything in the world as his enemy, a thing to fear, a thing to hate, and he could not conceive of anything except terror. He was completely unable to understand a state of peace, harmony, bravery, in the face of all the fear life throws at you. He was a nervous wreck until he died, and that scares me. I don't want to become like that, but it's difficult to imagine some days when you're gripped by this unnatural fear of something, even if you know what it is, that you can get better and be truly content.

Asura was never happy and always afraid. He was fucked over by his parent like Chrona was, but nobody (including the narrative) gave a shit. Yes, his actions were wrong, he had to be stopped, he couldn't be allowed lash out against the world and others like he was, but I still see Asura was a tragic figure who was fucked over by the person he needed most.

I'm sorry this is so long, I have a lot of feelings right now.

[tsarisfanfiction]

Outsider (pt 1)

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Teen Genre: Hurt/Comfort Characters: Mechanic, Scott

A peculiar thing whereby I got a particular idea in my head and then reverse-engineered a scenario in which it might be vaguely plausible, because Scott&Mechanic interests me so I’m gonna play with it a bit.  This is ostenably a two-part fic, and the second part is mostly written so should be up in the next day or two, with any luck...

He’s not a member of International Rescue, but when someone ends up in trouble, he can’t walk away.

The man still didn’t really trust him.  The Mechanic knew that, even without sharp blue eyes watching his every move with something that looked a lot like suspicion.  He was tolerated, an understanding that he hadn’t wanted to do what he had under the Hood’s control, but that was as far as the civility extended.

The Mechanic understood that.  He wouldn’t trust himself, either.  Didn’t.  In a way, it was a relief that one of the Tracys hadn’t followed the rest of his family as leaving it in the past, water under the bridge.  It validated his own emotions, assured him that he wasn’t over-reacting.

Assured him that it hadn’t just been a product of his own imagination.  That it had actually happened.

“I don’t need your help,” Scott Tracy told him.  It was a lie they both wished was true.  If it was true, they wouldn’t be here.

The eldest Tracy brother had sprained his wrist on a rescue two days ago.  Nothing serious, but enough to leave him grounded until he could fly a plane again.  Predictably, he hadn’t taken well to the idea; the Mechanic knew enough about him to know he hated being inactive.  Having his brothers out on rescue, and even his father away on the mainland for business, while he was forced to remain behind and recuperate made for a volatile Tracy.

The Mechanic had gone out of his way to avoid the man, an endeavour that had managed to remain entirely successful until outside forces interfered.

In this case, ‘outside forces’ translated to ‘Mrs Tracy’.

A sprained wrist hadn’t stopped Scott from pounding out his frustrations through a run across the island, something the Mechanic hadn’t known he’d gone to do until the family matriarch entered his lab.

“You need fresh air,” she’d told him bluntly.  “Staying cooped up in here all day isn’t good for your health.”

There was no arguing with the diminutive woman, even when she continued to tell him that her eldest grandson had gone out for a run two hours earlier and wasn’t back yet - nor was he answering her calls.

“Why don’t you go and see what’s taking him so long?”  It hadn’t been a suggestion.  He’d been packed off with a first aid kit – just in case – and reluctantly found himself following a largely unfamiliar path around the island until he’d found her grandson.

There were signs of a recent rockfall, and the younger man was a little way off the path, sitting on the ground.  From the unnatural angle of his left leg, it wasn’t an optional rest he was taking, and the recent rockfall had been very recent.  Coinciding with Scott Tracy’s run recent.

He’d looked relieved to be found for all of half a second, before recognition hit.

“Your grandmother sent me,” had been enough to stall any outright dismissals or otherwise defensive snarls, but still wasn’t enough to return relief to his eyes.  It was obvious Scott would have rather been found by literally anyone else on the island.

The Mechanic didn’t want to be there, either, but living with International Rescue was contagious. When combined with his need to make up for what he’d done, both to this family and the world, no matter what the younger man thought, he couldn’t leave him there.

“What are you doing?” Scott demanded as he crouched down next to him.  “Don’t touch me.”

“I might not be trained to the same standard as International Rescue,” he said, ignoring the protests and rummaging through the first aid kit, “but workshops are dangerous and I’ve got more than enough training to treat a broken leg.”

He could see there was a retort on the tip of Scott’s tongue, but the other man swallowed it down, clearly remembering that they were at least attempting to remain cordial to each other, even if trust wasn’t on the table.

The fact that, whether they liked it or not, he was very much at the Mechanic’s mercy no doubt had something to do with it, too.

It wasn’t a bad break, and Scott suffered through the splinting process in silence, or so he obviously wanted to appear.  The Mechanic dutifully ignored the muffled groans and occasional whimper that escaped through grit teeth.

The complication came when it was time to get him back to the house.  There was no stretcher in the first aid kit, which meant he either had to leave the man to retrieve one, or wait until one of the Thunderbirds returned so Scott’s brothers could take over.  Scott, unsurprisingly, was in favour of the option that had his brothers helping him, rather than the Mechanic.

He was in favour of that one, too, but there was a problem that Scott clearly hadn’t spotted, and the Mechanic had.  It was one that left him reluctant to leave, or wait for backup.

Not all of the fallen rocks were stable.  There was a large one that almost necessitated the label boulder instead perched a little way above them, and the Mechanic wasn’t entirely certain how long it would stay put.  What he was certain of was that if and when it fell, Scott was directly in its path and would be unlikely to escape serious injury.

“I’ll be fine,” Scott insisted.  It was another lie and this one he couldn’t let slip past unacknowledged.

“I cannot leave you here,” he said firmly.  “Your grandmother would have both our heads.”

Scott’s unhappy and stubborn response was overlapped by a faint roar, and the Mechanic looked up to see the red of Thunderbird Three streaking down towards them.

Despite everything had had happened since the original Zero-X, there was one thing the Mechanic knew, and that was that he was good at what he did: calculations, variables, everything that went into the core of being an engineer.  The boulder was perched precariously at best. Thunderbird Three was so powerful she always shook the island.

The vibrations caused by Thunderbird Three’s engines were going to dislodge the boulder. Imminently.

Scott had to be moved now.

“Hey!”

Scott was not a small man, but nor was the Mechanic.  With vibrations echoing in his ears, a promise of danger that couldn’t be ignored, he slipped one arm around Scott’s back while the other snaked under his thighs, and with the flexing of muscles built from years of lugging around heavy machinery, he surged to his feet and staggered backwards just as the boulder tipped.

Any additional complaints from the younger man were cut off as the Mechanic scrambled out of its path, the large rock missing them by scant inches as it thundered down, exactly where Scott had been sat moments earlier.

The first aid kit, left on the ground as the Mechanic prioritised getting Scott out of the way, was smashed.  His chest rose and fell, heaving from the sudden adrenaline, and in his arms, Scott’s breathing was equally shaky.

Thunderbird Three, entirely oblivious to the near-disaster she’d almost caused, continued her descent into her silo.

“You can put me down now.” There was a deliberate evenness to Scott’s voice, and the Mechanic looked down at him.  His face was white, most likely from the pain of the sudden movement, and he was staring at the crushed first aid kit.

The Mechanic looked around, accessing the situation.  It was unlikely any other boulders were going to cascade down, but after the near-miss he was reluctant to leave the younger man vulnerable.  Despite their strained relationship, he still held a decent level of respect for the commander of International Rescue, not to mention a very healthy level of respect for Mrs Tracy.  He could not, in good conscience, leave him there.

Scott wasn’t light by any means; his height alone saw to that, let alone the fact that he was pure lithe muscle, but the Mechanic had carried much heavier equipment without breaking a sweat.  It would be no challenge to carry him back to the house.  His leg was splinted, and as long as he was careful, had no reason to be jostled.

Carrying Scott would be just like carrying heavy but fragile equipment.

“This way is faster,” he replied, carefully picking his way back to the path.

“What?”  Scott shifted slightly, before obviously realising that if he forced him to drop him only one of them would come off badly and stilling. “No!  Put me down, Mechanic!”

“The sooner we get back, the sooner your grandmother can look at your leg,” he pointed out.  The mention of Mrs Tracy was like a magic spell; Scott’s resistance melted away.

Well, most of it did. He was still tense in the Mechanic’s arms, and he doubted pain was the sole contributor.

Their journey passed in silence, Scott clearly uninterested in conversation and doing his best to ignore who was carrying him.  It didn’t bother the Mechanic either; he’d always been bad at small talk.  If Scott wanted to pretend it was his brother carrying him home, that was fine by him.

The villa came into view, white and artificial against the natural craggy backdrop of the island, and Scott shifted again.  Instinctively, the Mechanic adjusted his grip, determined not to drop his cargo – precious cargo, despite their personal relationship.  There was a reluctant sigh from the man in his arms.

“Thanks.”  It was said quietly, and when the Mechanic looked down, startled, Scott was steadfastly staring straight at the villa.  “You saved me.”

While it was true, those were words he’d never expected to hear, and certainly not from the Tracy that still refused to trust him.

“You’re a good man,” he replied, if only to stop the words hanging awkwardly in the silence.  “The world needs you.”

He didn’t know Scott well enough to translate the huff of air that erupted from his mouth, but that didn’t matter because they were back, and clearly someone had spotted them because Alan was running out to meet them, hoverstretcher in tow.

The Mechanic was more than willing to set Scott down on it, passing the responsibility of care to the teenager as the young astronaut effortlessly began fussing over his brother, dragging the hoverstretcher back inside.

He stayed outside, content to stay out of the way now his role was done.  He wasn’t one of them, wasn’t a Tracy or International Rescue and had no reason to be involved now there were other, better-suited, people around to ensure Scott was safe and would heal.

Still, as he looked at his hands – hands stained with blood that would never wash away, hands that had just saved a man – he felt that something had shifted, just a little.

Part 2>>>

(the ‘particular idea’ I got was “the Mechanic carrying Scott”)

[littlefoxwithbighat]

Hi! This is talking about the plot of the dream smp in a meta sense and its a bit negative. The person behind this blog wants to remind you that you can skip if it's not for you and they still love the SMP. :)

ALL DISCUSSION IS ABOUT CHARACTERS. DON'T ATTACK CCS OR I WILL STEAL YOUR KNEECAPS.

I can't lie; I'm really annoyed and worried at the way the writers are handling Tommys character at the moment, and am increasingly concerned about it messing up the plot.

I wasn't very happy with the finale. I don't think that means all is lost, I think they can pull it back but it's going to take some work. I was worried about the way that things were handled before but the green festival was actually very well handled, so my worries were mostly assuaged. But yesterday? I don't know.

The fact nobody lost a cannon death is kind of disappointing. The weight of blowing up an entire city/ (country?) brutally is somewhat lost if there is no human loss. Nobody was hurt physically and the only people this had a big mental impact on was Tommy and Tubbo, everyone else wasn't very attached to L'manburg or had gone rogue, or were detatched from the while situation. And maybe it's the fact it's happened to them before or that they still have each other or that it seems odd/ frustrating that they still care so much about this place or that it was always a losing battle and they knew it, but I dont find myself really pitying them like I probably should. And I think that comes down to character growth or lack thereof, which I'll discuss later.

Niki and Fundy have started a villain arc, or at least a violent nihilism arc, and I actually don't mind it, in fact I'm a fan but it wasnt really foreshadowed, or really just showing them cracking as much as it should have been. I would guess this has mostly been started for both of them to tie Niki into the plot and I can't blame her for wanting that. Fundys acting is very good, and I REALLY hope the writers handle this well. For Fundy, regarding the fact that his father is going to be resurrected and that Fundy is following in his footsteps... If the writers don't realise that connection and make this a big step in Fundys narrative I will scream. Also Funboo bros are very interesting character foils and I hope their relationship is maintained so that they can play of off each other and also man I just really want them to keep being friends, it's a generally positive healthy relationship that makes both characters sympathetic and we need that right now. As for Niki, her character motivations seem to be mostly centered around Tommy and on the one hand I'm like ehhhh, because Tommy's character already gets a disproportionate amount of attention in terms of narrative, and I get it, but recently he's been a bit TOO much of the protagonist for a multi-person POV improve server... and I'm apprehensive. However on the other hand this has potential for a nice confrontation between Tommy and Niki. If that happens I want Tommy to be aware that this is going to happen and not talk over Niki, and I don't want it to be brushed over. I think it would be best if it was just the two of them. This also gives a nice chance for Tommy to examine his trauma with Dream and explain his motivations and Niki to get her anger out. I also want it to end positively, because it absolutely can and lack of communication when the viewer knows how to fix it is OK as a plot device sometimes but incredibly frustrating if it keeps happening (cough, Tommy and Techno).

Ranboo is reacting to the plot amazingly and I have as usual only praise for him, go, you funky enderman boy, go.

Wilbur is getting resurrected which is a thousand percent because Will wants the plot back and honestly I don't really mind, I think he'll do a good job. However I really hope he speaks to everybody about their characters, particularly Fundy, Ranboo and Niki because I don't want their characterisation and arcs to be thrown away.

Tubbo is doing very well, and I don't have many complaints to be honest. I hope he continues to get in with the acting with no shame, because he's an amazing VA when he wants to be, but sometimes he undercuts serious moments a little too much by laughing. Same criticism for Phil actually. But both are doing good.

On the theme of that, while I don't mind tension relievers or humour in serious moments there are sometimes too many. It was a lot worse about a month back and it was improving, but it seems to be creeping back in and ehhh. It's kind of Marvel-esque and not in a good way? I think it has a lot to do with bloopers and for some reason there are loads at the moment? Like Wilburs arc had almost none and this arc there's at least 2 every moment. Which isn't always their fault but maybe they need to take more steps to prevent them.

Techno is doing OK, he's quite a meta character so I'm not too mad about him undercutting serious moments but sometimes he does do it too much or in the wrong place. Like making jokes about Connor completely over the top of Tommy and Tubbos reunion, you know an event which has been foreshadowed for yoinks, prevented them from getting a proper flow going and kind of ruined it. And that made the reunion really dissapointing, which is a shame because it could have been so cool. However his characterisation is consistent and dedicated, his goals and relationships are clear and he's getting humanised more which is nice, and his monologues are great. I'm curious to see what he does now NL'M is gone but I have total faith in him.

Now Tommy. Oh Tommy. His character is such a mess at the moment, which is a shame because there were moments I saw people doubting his character choices and I was behind him.

Firstly the relationship with Techno fell apart. That was inevitable. Tommy didn't care about anarchy and Techno didn't care about the discs and both of their goals would impede the others. But the way Tommy talks about Techno is so... No? And now I understand that Tommy is going to have a biased perspective on the whole situation, and that's fine and good, but his character is so wrong about Techno it feels weird and painful? Like even from his perspective it went down differently to how he talks about it. They don't listen to each other and it's like watching two people scream at a wall.

The issue is the relationship was fairly well developed. I struggle to see Tommy saying he saw Techno as a friend but Techno never saw him as a friend because hold on, what? Techno, here's a respiration helmet because of that one of thing you told me about your trauma, a disc because those make you happy, plus top tier armour and weaponry, plus I'm going to spend time with you, calm you down from panic attacks, hide you and protect you from Dream, let you wander around L'manburg and achieve your own goals and help you plan things out Techno and Tommy didn't get ANYTHING from that? Plus after Techno opens up about his goals and his trauma, do the one thing that would hurt him the most, (use and then betray him) and then directly oppose his goals after he helped me? Ugh. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I know he would never let Tubbo get hurt and thats fine, but there were ways around that. If you're framing this character as the protagonist, then he needs to be sympathetic or at least grow and Tommy using Techno again without remorse and then refusing to listen to his perspective or show any gratitude for anything makes it difficult for viewers to empathise with him in my opinion. Have him betray Techno and then listen to Techno when he explains why Tommys betrayal hurt him and apologise, fine. Have him listen to Techno and try and find a way to keep Tubbo safe regardless, fine. Have him betray Techno but apologetically and still trying to avoid Techo getting crushed or killed, fine. But THIS? Im sympathetic towards Tommys character but this throws away so much potential character development for Tommy, where at least he saw Techno as a person, and not only that but a nice person who despite everything has set aside everything to help him? And then for him to be exactly where he was at the end of season 1, both literally, and emotionally ? I understand this is a child soldier with trauma but this is supposed to be our protagonist and if he doesn't grow, and isn't sympathetic and destroys someone we care about, how can we root for him?

Now all of this could be forgivable, not great, but forgivable, if Tommy had moved on from the discs. The Goddamn Discs™. And the worse part is all the dominoes were lined up to suggest he had! We had his moment of "he watched me" where he realised Dream was the villain and controlling him, "I've become worse than everyone I hated" good, amazing, I see where this is going, "The discs were worth more than you ever were!" and then he retracts and apologises and you think horray! Tommy has realised the discs were being used to control him and if he doesn't care about them, they hold no value! Now he's going to realise that his friends are more important and he's going to stop going after the discs. His new character motivation can be killing Dream and protecting his friends, especially Tubbo. It's clearly angled this way, and this way the plot progresses and Tommy with it. What marvellous character development. Look at him go.

And THEN, after everything that's happened he says the most important thing is the disc and I want them back!?!? EH !!? Why... Who... Who gave the OK on that writing decision? That's so static and boring and unsympathetic! And then he's back to asking people do fight for L'manburg? What?

I'll be honest I was kind go hoping either Tommy or Tubbo would die with L'manburg. I didn't mind it they didn't, there are a thousand ways to make the plot work without them dying, but this was not a great one.

PLEASE let Tommy have some growth. Yes he's had some from not caring about L'manburg to fighting for it in season one, but that was ages ago and he doesnt seem to have changed since then in any way that really counts. And I know this is harsh and he's traumatised but you have to understand I am talking about this in a sense of characters and narrative and NOT in terms of real life. Tommy needs to be better and dynamic because he is a charcacter and I want him to be a good one.

Having said all that, here are my thoughts on the future of the SMP.

Firstly, I am worried that becuse it is such a good source of content, especially for Tommy that they will never ever kill his character and leave him fighting with Dream for eternity. And I love the Dream SMP but I've seen stories that get dragged out for plot or content, and however much you think you want it to never end, let me tell you, yes you do. It will get stale and repetitive and I want the dream smp, or at least Tommys arc to go out with a beautiful and brilliant and fabulous plot ending instead of being dragged into the dirt. And then maybe new characters take the spotlight. Just please god give it a goode ending.

I also really hope they don't throw other things away to make Tommy the centre of attention, especially if it's destructive to the plot, or kind of weird and obnoxious.

Secondly, I am intrigued about the prison and Schlatts book to Dream and Technos favour and the egg and what that entails and I hope they really think through those plot points carefully and make them work, and don't forget them or throw them away.

Thirdly, I am intrigued for Wilburs return and hope that he manages to fix it cohesively without too crazy a change of pace and style and keeping characters (especially Ranboo and Fundy and Niki) consistent.

I hope they prep for the future and think things thought and communicate with each other.

It might be interesting to see other countries finally discussed but I don't know how much that would intefere with other plot points so we'll see.

That's all! Reminder that this is about characters and plot and this is just a few criticisms. I love the dream smp, but there are somethings I wanted to get of my chest. Please be respectful and feel free to discuss in the notes. Also, again, no hate to any CCs!

[aangislove]

Aang Appreciation

I feel like Aang is such an underrated character in many ways. I know Korra gets a lot of abuse in the fandom and I acknowledge and recognise that as unfair (also, yes, I understand these are fictional characters). But in some ways this is something they share. There is a lot of hate of both these characters because of their strengths and their weaknesses and I want to take some time to talk (again) about Aang and why I love and appreciate him so much.

He starts the show as a goofy, kind, fun loving 12 year old kid who has woken up after being frozen for 100 years. He is unaware of what has happened to the world and his people. He acts like a child because he is. He tries to get Katara to have more fun like a kid, because SHE is. Whether you love him or hate him you have to acknowledge that a 12 year old is still a CHILD and as a child he will make mistakes and he will have somewhat childish struggles. He is still learning and growing. And regardless of whether you think it impacted him or not he suffered a significant trauma with the loss of the other airbenders. Literally, all but one person he knew before were gone and when he finds this out he doesn’t even know that one person is still alive. It’s not just friends and the people he grew up with either. He also lost Gyatso and that man was the closest thing he had to family. I would even consider him Aang’s dad/father figure. And he was gone. He must come to terms with the fact this happened after he left. He carries around this guilt with him because of it.

I feel like that is one of the areas the show was weakest. Aang’s trauma and loss was mostly glossed over. I understand it to a degree but I think some of the Aang hate could be lessened had they developed this more, given it focus in more episodes and maybe stretched it out throughout the show. Because whether you think another character’s trauma was worse or not, this BOY lost those he grew up with, the ones who looked after him and he never really got the time to grieve because he was thrust into this position no Avatar before him had been thrust into and he was thrust into it at the youngest age of any Avatar before him (that we are aware of).

But Aang never gave up. He learned how to bend the other three elements. He might not have mastered them but he learned how to water bend, fire bend and earth bend in one summer. Was he a master? I will let you answer that. But he had a good knowledge and ability in each of these at the end of the show. THAT is something to be proud of. It shows that he wasn’t fucking around or being too childish the whole time. He wasn’t a master of every element but he was competent in them all, and for such a short amount of time that is just incredible in my mind. He also had good control over the Avatar State. 

He made mistakes both as The Avatar and as Aang. Those mistakes are hard to hold against a 12 year old who lost so much. Yes, he was wrong, he should not have lied to Katara and Sokka about their dad. Again, I will repeat, he was in the wrong for that, but he learned from that, he grew. He didn’t do it again. Yes, he shouldn’t have kissed Katara when he did, it was wrong when she had already expressed her confused feelings. He learned from that. He showed instant regret. He didn’t try to guilt her or coerce her into accepting his kiss.

And yeah, he was almost killed in the Avatar State. But Azula took him unaware. He was doing his best but he was still learning. He wasn’t a fully fledged Avatar when that happened.

I 1000000000% do not blame him for the death of his people. He was a child. He was being sent away (or so he thought). Almost everyone was rejecting him. All he wanted was for things to go back to normal. He ran away and there are kids who run away in real life. They feel unwanted, uncared for, or there is so much going on they just need to go. Aang had his whole world turned upside down and he reacted. He was 12. His being there would not have saved a single life. If anything, he would have perished with the other airbenders and then where would the world have been? Down an entire nation.

We see Aang live by his morals and culture. It’s not easy for him. Those around him do not share the same ways of life he grew up with.They eat meat, they weren’t brought up with the pacifist way of life. His vegetarianism is questioned and made fun of at times. He is pressured to do something that goes against everything he believes in (more on this in a bit) and he doesn’t. But no matter what people say to him, no matter how many jokes are made at the expense of what he believes, he never ever turns around and does the same. He doesn’t judge his friends for eating meat. He never tries to stop them. He never pushes his vegetarianism on anyone and contrary to what others think, he never tried to push his belief of not being violent onto people either.

He encouraged Katara to reconsider. He gave his point on it. But he did not physically try to stop or shame her. He gave his blessing for them to take Appa. This, after they tried to take Appa behind Aang’s back, this after he already lost Appa once. He wasn’t angry. He didn’t hold it against them. In fact, he showed remarkable kindness and understanding in the scene and I don’t think that is pointed out enough.

Then we have the ending. We have Aang learning how to win the war without taking a life. The one thing most people dislike. For me, it fit perfectly with the story and his arc specifically, but let’s talk about why it was a good character move for him. For the whole show we see Aang holding onto his beliefs, his way of life. We see how he’s sometimes put in positions where he has to fight, which goes against what he believes. Then we see him meet the Lion Turtle. One thing I love about this that I only realised recently is how incredible it is that he met the LT. Aang, a very spiritual person, got to go on a journey unlike any other before and he got to learn a new (to benders/avatars) element. He did so by going on a spiritual journey to help him find a solution to a problem he was having. Before getting that advice he turned to 4 of his past lives. Depending on how you look at it he did not take their advice (but reflect on this, how many of them actually said he needed to KILL Ozai?)

Roku:   “You must be decisive.”

Kyoshi:  “Only justice will bring peace.”

Kuruk:  “Aang, you must actively shape your own destiny and the destiny of the world.”

Yangchen:  “Selfless duty calls you to sacrifice your own spiritual needs and do whatever it takes to protect the world.”

Notice anything? Three of the four are definitely something you can say Aang took on board. Aang was decisive, he brought Ozai to justice and brought peace to the world by doing so and he did all this in a way that shaped his own destiny but also the destiny of the world, by showing there is another way to do it. He brought a new way. A way that doesn’t continue the cycle of death previously seen in the world. He did so by keeping his spiritual needs and beliefs. He did so in a pacifistic way. He did so in a very Aang way. We saw that Aang had a very different style of fighting from other. He knew how to avoid/doge attacks. He knew how to win without hurting the other person (he had to go on the offensive at times too, I won’t argue that) but Aang at his best in some respects was when Aang was being Aang in a fight. And Aang was being Aang at the end. He followed his heart and conscience and he brought peace to the world.

He did all this in such a short space of time, after finding out about a horrific loss, without losing himself. He stayed the same imperfect, lovable, relatable (for me and I’m sure others), kind, loving and goofy person. He grew up a lot. But his core person was still very much the same because Aang was already a developed person in his own right and he knew himself in a way not many 12 year olds would know themselves, but there sure are some. The key fact is he was imperfect. That made him very real for me. He wasn’t this never fucks up, never makes a mistake, never has a bad day character. But he felt so real to me and that isn’t always true. He also showed us that boys can be soft and loving and kind and still not be absolutely perfect. We get to see a boy grow but remain a boy in the end. And we leave him when he still has more learning and growth to do, which is something really cool in my opinion.

Aang is my favourite character in the Avatar universe for all these reasons and more. He is a character I have passionately felt a connection with since I was a little girl first watching the show and I truly hope that others can learn to at least accept he’s not the bad guy or a totally unrealistic character. But even if not, and you read this, I hope you can see why others would love him.

[dboliklover]

Subaru Easter Smut

Subaru - Pregnant, vanilla(?), overstimulation

Warning: Pregnancy. I know some people have a fear of it (Tbh, so do I, but I’m only afraid of getting knocked up in real life, so I like it in fiction) but just so everyone is aware, this does follow the pregnancy of the reader from conception to the second trimester, so be wary. 

Finally got around to continuing this series. Kanato and Azusa are both gonna be left for last, sorry Kanato/Azusa-fuckers. And this is as vanilla as I get, but I needed some soft-core Subaru in my life. 

Also,,,,I needed some soft Subaru in my life, so I apologise this isn’t a rough-fuckin’ but I fucking love Subaru so much and he deserves love and happiness in his life-

Please give feedback. I worked SO hard on this and appreciate comments and reblogs and debates/conversations based on my writing! It encourages me to write more.

also: 

You have been married to Subaru for two whole years now. It was something which was still difficult for him to believe, every night he fell asleep beside you he expected to wake up the next morning in an empty bed only to find out his life with you had been nothing but a beautiful, hopeless dream. 

You knew your husband’s worries and sorrows, and it pained you to know that he carried such immense emotional loads by himself, and so you tried to soothe and assure him to the best of your abilities. 

You had some wonderful news for your husband, which you were certain would bring him immense joy, and yet...you also feared his reaction. You’d recently found out about your pregnancy. It was something that caused you the utmost joy when you first discovered your sickness was actually caused by the life growing inside of you. 

You knew Subaru would make the ideal father, how could he not? He was...perfect, really - even if he didn’t believe he was. 

But you also knew he had a deep-rooted fear of being like his father. You knew, of course, that there was no way in hell he’d ever become such a monstrous man. You knew who you married, and you were more than certain that he would be the best father to ever grace this earth. Nonetheless, this was still a huge step in your marriage - babies were a lot of responsibility, and this would be a whole person that you would both have to care for and love - but it was also a symbol of the deep love between you and Subaru; you literally created life from the love you had for one another. 

So, anxiously, you tried to find a way of telling him. It was immensely stressful for you, the worry only piling on with every minute away from him. Should you try and be sly about it? Find a ‘cute’ way of telling him? Just be blunt? So many possibilities and you simply did not know how to tell him. 

Thankfully for you, your husband walked into your shared bedroom, the moon slowly rising in the night sky. Like usually, you rose from your position on the bed and rushed over to him to greet him, wrapping your hands around his neck and feeling safe and protected as he pulled you closer, kissing you with sensual gentleness. He was a rough man, but would often treat you like a delicate rose that could be torn at the slightest of harsh touches. Sometimes, he did hurt you - accidentally, of course, and then it would take a lot of convincing from your end to assure him that it wasn’t any major harm. He feared so deeply that he’d harm you and that you’d leave him for it, that if he even as much as caused a small bruise on your perfect skin he would freak out and feel obligated to spend months atoning for something that he did not need to atone for.

In truth, you loved how gentle he could be with you. The only times he ever got rough, sexually, was when he was jealous. You loved those moments too, because gentle or rough, Subaru always managed to bring you the pleasure that you were sure you would never find elsewhere. 

“Good evening, darling.” You whispered sweetly to him, your voice soft as your senses were overwhelmed with the scent of your beloved. It took a long time to get him used to the concept of pet names, but eventually, he got used to them. “Good evening…” Subaru sighed, you could tell, without even looking at him, that he was blushing, “...My love.” he said the words with hesitance, and you knew it was because he still couldn’t quite get over the idea of calling you pet names. He was really trying to do so, though, because he knew you enjoyed it. 

You felt your levels of anxiety rising, knowing you’d have to confess your pregnancy tonight; you couldn’t keep this from him any longer. 

Hesitantly, you pulled away from him, which cause Subaru to worry almost immediately when he saw the anxiety within your eyes. 

“Subaru…” You spoke gently, with hesitant uncertainty, before you took his hand in yours and pulled him over to sit on the bed, as you went to get something, telling him to sit and wait. 

“I...I have something I have to show you.” 

 When you came back, you were carrying a little box with you that was tied loosely with a white ribbon. Nervously, you practically shoved it in his face. 

Surprised by your sudden, confusing behaviour and the fact you shoved a box in his face, he took it from you and untied the ribbon, letting it fall onto the ground. 

You stood, trying to soothe your body from shaking in anxiety. This was a huge step for your marriage, and you just hoped he’d react positively - or even neutrally, just...as long as it wouldn’t be...negative.

His body stiffened and froze as his beautiful eyes widened at the sight of what this little box held within it. 

A pregnancy test.

A positive pregnancy test.

Subaru swallowed thickly, and you braced yourself for the worst. 

“Is it...is it true?” He asked, looking up at you, his expression fragile and delicate. Unable to speak, you merely nodded your head, trying to smile through your nervousness. 

Subaru was silent for several moments, visibly processing the information. 

“This is...this is amazing.” He choked up, something he rarely did. You’ve only seen Subaru cry three times before; Once when he broke down in front of you, once on your wedding day, and now. 

“S-Subaru?” Your voice was shaky as well, not sure if this was a good or bad sign, but your doubts were soon put to rest as he moved the box out of the way, stood in front of you and pulled you tightly into his chest, you could feel his body shake with suppressed sobs. 

Your heart felt so warm as you realised that he was crying from what seemed to be pure happiness. So you hoped, at least. Your own eyes soon filled with tears, and the two of you hold one another in a tight embrace. 

You stayed like that for a while, just crying and holding one another until Subaru finally pulled away, and placed his forehead on yours. “...Thank you” Subaru muttered softly, smiling. You have given him the perfect life, and for this, he would be eternally grateful. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next several weeks, Subaru was truly the perfect husband, albeit a bit too overprotective. You were hardly even showing, and he was already acting as though you were nine-months-pregnant; refusing to let you do anything remotely physically difficult. This was sweet to begin with, but after a while, the cuteness of it wore off and began to annoy you.

“I’m pregnant! Not dying!” You argued with him, pouting as you laid in bed. Subaru sighed, shaking his head at your (admittedly adorable) complaining. “You need to rest, (Y/N).” He stood his ground as he got dressed, getting ready to go downstairs and get you something to eat. For the first few days having your loving husband bring you breakfast in bed was a novelty and wonderfully exciting. Soon, though, that novelty wore off. You were a bit over a month pregnant, and you weren’t even really showing just yet - you were perfectly capable of making your own meals, cleaning and taking care of yourself. Unfortunately, Subaru did not seem to share that way of thinking and believed that even the slightest straining would cause harm to you and the baby. 

“Urgh...Subaru…!” You whined softly, pouting harder, hoping he’d look at you and give in to your request of doing nothing more than just making your own meal. 

You could tell your husband was trying with all his might to not give in to your pleas, but his naturally protective instincts demanded he keeps you in bed, safe and sound. 

However...he was also always so weak when it came to you, and as such he sighed and gave in. 

“...Fine, but only if I’m around. And only until you start showing-” before Subaru could continue, you cut him off with a joyful squeal, thankful that he’d finally allow you to actually do things for yourself again. You crawled out of bed, bad rushed to get dressed as Subaru had to hold himself back from attempting to ‘help’ you. 

The idea of you, being pregnant was still something so...beautifully strange and difficult for him to properly wrap his head around. You were pregnant….with a baby. His baby. 

Subaru had never really considered having an actual family of his own; he always believed himself to be too fucked up to ever be loved, and he always believed it would be cruel to bring life into such an unforgiving world. But then...he met you, and all that just changed. 

He owed so much to you, and he knew that he did not deserve you in the slightest, but yet here you were, so devoted and loving and caring that every single day with you felt like a dream.

Hell, he still couldn’t believe how patient you had been with him, especially when you first met. He was so...violent and aggressive. He supposed he still could be, at times. His hidden inner trauma coming back up every so often, but every time he felt he was falling into the dark, you would be there to hold him up and lead him back into the light. If there was one thing Subaru was grateful for in his whole entire life, it was you. 

And now...you’re going to give him the one thing he never thought he’d have. A family. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Throughout the rest of your first trimester, Subaru (hesitantly) kept to his promise of allowing you to do things for yourself, much to your joy. Though, by the time your second trimester came along, he quickly became twice as protective as he was before. 

You were beginning to show now, your stomach full of growing life. Not to mention; you were absolutely glowing. 

It was the point in the pregnancy where you were still happy and the life within you was still an exciting prospect, but before the immense mood swings, swollen feet and sore backs. You’d have some...negative symptoms of course, such as a mood swing here and there (you felt kind of bad with how panicked Subaru looked every time you had one of them and went from laughing to crying to demanding the strangest foods) but Subaru was truly the perfect husband who always helped you past any struggles thus far. 

Though….one thing that bothered you immensely was that he seemed afraid to touch you. He’d hold you close and cuddle with you, but it wasn’t the same. He’d always been afraid fo being too rough with you, but now that you were pregnant he suddenly became convinced that the tiniest harsh movement would shatter you like a porcelain doll. 

Unfortunately for you, pregnancy was making you rather….well, needy. Specifically, a sexual kind of needy. Your hormones were wild and you were craving your husband to relief you from this sexual struggle. 

He’d gotten it into his mind, though, that if he sleeps with you whilst pregnant it’ll somehow cause a tragedy to occur, which truly pissed your hormonal, pregnant self off. 

You were not above begging him to fuck you if that’s what it’d take. 

So, when he went out to get some of the strange food supplies that you craved, you ‘freshened’ yourself up, making sure to wear some sexy lingerie, that thankfully still fit, but your bra was a tad….tight around your swollen breasts, which would surely begin to lactate any day now. Your panties were low-cut, which was perfect since it outlined your growing stomach full of life. Brushing your hair in a way that made you look like a cute little forest nymph, you climbed on your shared bed after laying it out in a ‘romantic’ way, waiting for him to get back to your bedroom.

When Subaru opened the door to your shared room, he was not prepared to see you, his beloved pregnant wife, laying on the bed in the most arousing position he’s ever seen, hand on your swollen belly. He froze, but then quickly shut and locked your bedroom door, the possessive vampiric instincts raging at the mere thought of any of his brothers seeing you like this. He was really fighting with himself, because, damn, you looked so desirable and he wanted nothing more than to absolutely ravish you at that moment, the carnal need within him to fill you over and over again. But he was also far too afraid of harming you and, as such, he was fighting a self-imposed war. 

You noticed this and put your finger to your glossy lips, eyes drooped in a sensual way that was screaming for him to come and fuck you. “Subaru~” You softly moaned out his name, trying to seduce your husband into letting go of whatever fear of harming you he has, trying to appeal to his animalistic side. 

“(Y-Y/N)...” He audibly gulped, with every moment it was getting harder for him to resist his internal desires. 

“W-What if I hurt you?” He questioned, his voice shaky at the mere idea of such a thing, “-You won’t.” Your tone was sincere, your smile assuring as you opened your arms and moved them to where he was standing. “Please come to me...I need you so much, my love…” 

Subaru was hesitant, but yet he also could no longer fight his instincts. Besides, you were looking so sweet and arousing, practically begging him to make love to you. 

He walked over to you, and you smiled brightly, your smile only pulling him further in. His unbeating heart seemed to be pounding - no matter how impossible that may be. 

You put your hand on his shirt and pulled him down to you, softly crashing your lips against his as you lip-locked. Subaru kissed you gently, with notable delicacy as he did not wish to bring any pain to you. Soon, though, your husband melted into the kiss and you scooted up the bed, so he could climb on top of you.

Your skin was so hot, every touch felt more intense than you remembered. Perhaps it was the fact you hadn’t made love in several months now, or maybe the pregnancy hormones increasing your sensitivity and pleasure, but the way his cold hands felt on your hot skin was mindblowing. 

The kisses also became more heated, as you wrapped your hands in Subaru’s snow-white hair, as your arousal rose with every kiss and every sensation. 

“S-Subaru..” You moaned out in carnal pleasure, finally getting what you’ve been craving for these past few months. You swore you were beginning to go into withdrawal from not making love to Subaru for so long! 

This man had you addicted to him, you loved and adored everything about him. 

As he pulled away from your lips, a string of saliva connected the two of you together, your mind hazy and eyes lustful, as you began to undress his shirt, whilst he started to kiss your jaw and neck. Feeling his wet lips on your weak spots brought you to the most euphoric paradise, it was something you never wanted to end. 

In the moment of sensuality, Subaru’s possessive instincts demanded him to leave his marks on you, and that was exactly what he did. Love bites covered your neck from top to bottom, you would surely be unable to conceal them after tonight, and that fact only increased his arousal. 

How he managed to get such a wonderful, beautiful wife, he had no idea. But you were his wife and he wanted everyone to know that.

Once you finally got his shirt off, you placed your hands all over his chiselled chest, moaning at the feeling of his skin on yours. While your hands were exploring his naked chest, his were moving down the valley of your breasts, to your swollen stomach as he ran his hands over and over your baby bump, feeling nothing but the highest amount of pure happiness as he did so. 

Inside you was the life you created together. 

“...Our baby.” He growled possessively, as he moved his face down, kissing your breasts, ribcage and then your stomach, leaving hot kisses all over your skin. 

By now your core was burning like a deadly fire, demanding your husband’s seed to fill your insides. 

“S-Subaru..!” a whine escaped you as he lowered himself from the bed and between your legs, your cunt was now blazing hot and dripping your slick juices. His cold breath contrasted with the flame inside you and was enough to almost make you cum. Your breath hitched and you could feel yourself whining even more for him. 

Subaru smirked to himself as he started to eat you out, his tongue thrusting inside and out of you, his speed picking up and eventually he started to not only shove his long, wet tongue in and out but also used his entire mouth to kiss your whole core, sending shivers from your spine down to your entire body. 

You chanted his name like a mantra, constantly moaning it out. Hearing your aroused voice only served to increase his libido, as he continued to mercilessly lick you out. You could feel the pressure in your abdomen increase and you came in no time, your high lasting longer than usual. And yet, Subaru did not cease his assault on your core, continuing to suck you dry of your juices, you had long since last track of any sense of time but you were sure he must have been eating you out for at least fifteen minutes, or at the very least it sure felt like it. By the end of it, you had lost track of the times you’ve had an orgasm, but you estimated you must’ve cum at least eight times. Your core was immensely sensitive and raw, but your libido still not nearly satisfied. No, you needed to feel your husbands heat inside you

“Subaru, please! Please just...just make love to me, properly!” Your voice filled with need and longing, and he could no longer hold back. His member was painfully erect and the need to fill you to the brim was overwhelming. Kissing you once more, He hurriedly took off his pants and boxers, and lined himself up with your core.

You pulled him down to kiss you as he thrust into you, both of you loudly moaning into the kiss at the feeling of him inside of you. Your walls were clamped around him so tightly and he had to stop himself from cumming right there and then. You always fit around him so perfectly that he was convinced you were destined for him and just for him. 

Slowly thrusting in and out of you causing lewd sighs to escape both your lips in unison as you moved together in impeccable rhythm.

Everything about this was so fucking amazing; from the friction between his cock and your core, from the heat of your body mixed with his, from the constant kisses of love and desire you kept sharing….you always knew you had the perfect marriage, and this proved it. 

Eventually, he picked up speed, and you wrapped your legs around his waist to pull him into you deeper. Your swollen breasts bounced roughly as he pounded into you, it was slightly rough but also controlled and not too rough - he was holding himself back because of the baby. 

Your shared moans filled your bedroom, and you were so loud you were sure that your moan could be heard throughout the whole manor but neither of you cared about that at this moment. 

Subaru placed his head close to your shoulder, biting down and nibbling on your exposed skin as his cock made harmonically animalistic love to you. 

Hearing his name escape your red, puffy lips was bringing him so close to his edge. 

Your husband always had great endurance, however, you did not. As such, you kept endlessly cumming on his cock, scratching his back roughly out of sheer ecstasy as he relentlessly bruised your walls. 

After what must have been almost a full hour, he finally felt himself coming close to his final edge, and he increased his speed, causing one final orgasm from you as he buried himself into you as deep as he could go, his thick, hot seed overflowing inside you. 

You were both panting and smiling, as he kissed you again and again after, still not pulling out even as he softened inside you. 

“I love you...so fucking much…” The emotion inside him was overwhelming, and you could see the softest tears of love gathering in his eyes. Your hand touched his cheek as you soothed him, and placed his hand on your stomach. “We love you too.”

- Mod Rozalia 

ps: this is only been proof-read once, so if you see mistakes hmu! I’ll edit it.

Please give feedback. I worked SO hard on this and appreciate comments and reblogs and debates/conversations based on my writing! It encourages me to write more. 

[frobin]

astolfobia

hat auf deinen Eintrag geantwortet

“I can totally understand the Jinbe/Robin ship, it does make sense. But...”

>> What... do you mean about not being sure if Zoro reacted correctly or not about Usopp?

Hey hey, 

okay this has nothing to do with FRobin and is more about Zoro, Usopp and the crew dynamics but since you asked I decided to answer. And I try to make myself clear because it’s probably VERY, VERY, VERY subjective and also comes from my female and very European point of view. 

I read the scene again (in german bc I don’t have the official translation at hand) but I also looked if kaizoku-ni-naru has it translated and here it is: https://kaizokuou-ni-naru.tumblr.com/post/190464807603/thank-you-so-much-for-your-wonderful-blog-im

Also many of it is from memory because of course I’m missing the volumes with the beginning of Water7 More behind the read more: 

Let’s do a little recap: 

Usopp left the crew. Why? Because to him it seemed like they were leaving Merry behind because the ship wasn’t strong enough anymore. 

That might seem weird since Merry is just a ship right? But we know that Merry had a soul, that manifested in the Klabauter. Merry was part of the crew but as soon as she was too weak (Usopp did not know that Merry was beyond repair), as soon as there was something better, Merry was replaced. 

That hit Usopp hard because Merry had not only been a present from his friend Kaya but this ship had been with them through so much and who knows how strong the bond between Usopp and the ship had really grown (he had been the one to see the Klabauter and the first to hear Merrys voice) so of course for him it felt like they were abandoning not only a ship, a thing, but a friend and even a crew mate.  Now, Usopp has a lot of problems. He feels weak, especially compared to Luffy, Sanji (who is also the cook) and Zoro who are The Monster Trio for a reason. Nami is a Navigator and so essential to the crew. Chopper is a doctor (also essential) and a literal monster! 

But all Usopp can do is shoot. He is probably going to be the best sharp-shooter in the world but he is not aware of that. Not back then and not now. Even after all the amazing things Usopp did in the recent arcs, he still considers himself weak. 

His self-worth is low and he loathes himself, probably feels like he is worth nothing. The only thing that he is good for is keeping Merry afloat, a memento to his island where he was important. Maybe the only thing that keeps him afloat too. 

So, the crew is willing to abandon Merry. Who tells that they won’t abandon him? Right after he lost a part of the money that was supposed to be used for Merry, right after he had to be saved by his crew, because he is weak!  

And you can bet that Usopp has abandonment issues too. After all, his father left to have adventures. Usopp lost his mother to sickness when he was still a small child. The village was annoyed by the child that ran every morning along the road to shout “Pirates are coming!”. Not as a threat but because he hoped that it would be true, that his dad would come back for him one day. Instead he grew up alone until he found some kids that thought he was cool enough to be their leader. He somehow managed to befriend the sick girl, and told her lies, like he did for his mother. And then Kaya was willing to renounce, to abandon him for Kuro.  

Merry is important and they want to leave Merry - him - behind.   

Usopp was afraid, got angry and he attacked Luffy. 

Was it smart? No. Was is it understandable? Yes. Could they have handled all that better? Fuck yes! 

But they are both teens who are stubborn and hot headed and in a tough and loaded situation. So I understand why it happened. 

And Usopp again is beaten, even with his smarts and his knowledge of Luffy’s weaknesses. He could not win. Because he is too weak. He lacks. He is not good enough. Luffy not only destroyed Usopp’s (already beaten) body, but also another part of his self worth. 

(I’m not crying you’re crying!) 

Then, we all know that Robin was caught,  while Usopp fixed himself up and then later met Franky. It was only then that Usopp learned that the ship was beyond repair but also learned that Merry had a Klabauter. And then more shit happened. What we also know is that Usopp had a very, very large role in the rescue of Robin and that he was one of the people who talked sense into her. Without him they wouldn’t have saved Robin and Luffy might have given up. He pep-talked him to continue fighting. 

(It’s still you who is crying! Shut up!) 

Anyway, let’s get to Zoro telling the rest of the crew that they can only accept Usopp back when he apologizes. Which, let’s be honest, makes sense.

Usopp should apologize. Because he was in the wrong. But his decisions came from a very specific place. 

So yeah, Zoro is right. But I get a bad feeling at the whole display of aggression and that Zoro expects Usopp to live up to his (Zoro’s) also very specific views and values of a warrior and the honor associated with it, without caring for Usopp’s. Again, a boy who grew up alone without any role model except that vague idea of an amazing pirate that was sailing the sea.

And the whole “Either it is like I say or I go!” stroke me as especially harsh.

Because I’ve been confronted with that sentiment so often, that I felt that deep in my bones. When I read it first, I didn’t even realise why that scene shook me. But it was that exact sentiment that poisoned my club and ultimately made me leave it, because I gave the ultimatum right back “You will go if things don’t go your way? Then go or I leave!” I’ve been part of that club since I had been seven years old. I left it with 25 because I had more balls than that fucking asshole and I’m still pissed about it, ten years later. And I’m very forgiving.

What Zoro said was that everyone has to know their place or they are no material to be a pirate (which is kind of weird since some people become pirates to be free, if you want to follow and know your place, maybe you should become a Marine). Ultimately you have to know whom to follow and that is - in this case - Luffy and no one else. You have to trust his judgement because he is the captain or else he is not much of a captain. 

And again this can make sense because if you don’t trust your captain or know your place on a ship it can be a death sentence at sea. 

Then there is this thing that this is ‘no playing pirate’. 

We still don’t know all of Luffy’s reasons why he wants to be pirate king but he often hints that he just wants to be free and have fun with his friends. That sounds a lot like ‘playing games’. At that point he only slowly learns that being a pirate is often way more serious and dangerous and filled with tough decisions than he thought. Playing games and have fun, that is why he was so delighted when he heard that Usopp wanted to come back. But playtime is over that is why he agreed with Zoro. Time to grow up they are at war after all.  

We know why Usopp left the crew, went against his captain and friend, because Usopp felt like they were abandoning ANOTHER FRIEND. 

But whatever reason there MIGHT BE does not matter for Zoro. He even says he does not know why all of it happened, does not care who was wrong or right.

I think that is a dangerous sentiment! Because personally, I feel like it’s important to try to see outside of your own perspective and I think you should never judge before you know all the facts. If you then still come to the same conclusion that is fine and if you come to another that is good too.That is what it means to make an informed decision, because the world is not black and white. Many things have reasons that are so layered that you can’t just expect everyone to come to the same conclusion when they don’t have the same information. That is why communication is important. 

Usopp waited for the very last moment to reach out to his friends. The longer he waited the longer he could imagine that everything would be fine in the end. He gave himself to that illusion. Zoro would have never done that and so no one else should do it. He is not exactly empathic. I feel like Zoro can’t look farther than his own ideas.

But I can agree with Zoro to some amount. I understand where he comes from.

Do I like it? Absolutely not. 

So, to slowly come to an end, we all know how this went. And I have to give it to Zoro, he also did say “I hear nothing” whenever Usopp tried to handle the situation like nothing had happened. He wanted him back too, after all.

And shit, it worked. Usopp cried out to his friends, he apologized and Luffy reached out to him to reel him in. 

But I can’t help but think that it absolutely destroyed Usopp after all. He saw his friends leaving him behind in a foreign city without any support. He just got a bounty and so would get in the focus of the marines, especially them thinking he is still part of the Strawhat crew. 

The crew, his friends, would leave him because he is weak and not worth anything and he would have no friends and be alone forever. 

I don’t even want to start to imagine the pure despair he felt that moment. And it stayed with him, as we learn in Thriller Bark. And again and again. 

So yeah. 

It worked in the end but I think it could have been handled better. 

Well, that is easy to say as a grown up with some more years under my belt and from an outside perspective. But even back when I first read it, it gave me a strange feeling. 

I think at least one of the crew should have talked to Usopp and given him some clues. And I’m sure Franky would have if he knew what was up but he hadn’t been part of the crew. Robin didn’t for whatever reason talk to Usopp, but she also never agreed with Zoro, looked almost angry about it. Nami also didn’t want to go against her captain, I guess. Sanji agreed with Zoro, maybe also with a bad feeling and Chopper is even less experienced than any other of them.

Oda is an amazing storyteller with a lot of characters that have an incredible amount of layers but that does not mean I agree with him all the time and so I don’t agree with his characters all the time.   

And that is what I meant. XD Sorry for the long text.

[doof-doofblog]

"Their Mum Isn't Even Here, Jean!"

Monday 18th May 2020

Good Afternoon folks! I hope you've all had a good week, I'm sure you've all been made aware of the recent EastEnders news! For those of you who haven't heard, the soap writers and the rest of the team have been given the green light to start re-filming again, this is due to take place some time next month. However, it does mean that EastEnders will be taken off air for a few weeks until the time will come for them to start re-filming again. This is fantastic news that we've all been waiting for, we won't have to wait much longer than expected for us to get our usual 4 episodes a week back. How long the soap will be off air still remains unknown. It also has been revealed that script-writers will include characters talking about the current pandemic. I for one, feel it's amazing news to hear that plans are in place for our favourite actors and actresses to walk through the Square again! Crew will still make sure that everyone follows the rules and for them to keep 2 meters apart and the recording/editing team will use techniques to make it look as natural as possible for the viewers.  I also realise this post is a bit late, due to me being in work again, but today I will post 2 blogs covering both last night's episode and tonight's episode.

I also have some other news for you, it has been revealed that EastEnders are planning to film an episode which will focus entirely on Ben and his hearing loss. The soap will feature subtitles and muffled audio for the audience to get the idea and/or experience what Ben is currently going through. I for one, am REALLY looking forward to seeing this episode. It will be something completely different and something that we've never seen before. I love when soaps jump in the deep end and decide to show something completely different, it was the same when Bobby kept seeing Lucy and also when Stacey went through her breakdown a couple of years ago. I just find it fascinating! I'm sure it'll be a momentous moment for EastEnders and it'll get rave feedback! Are you looking forward to seeing this episode air? The episode will be shown on Monday 1st June! I can hardly contain my excitement!

Now, let's make a start on last night's episode, a lot to cover from last night I think. Let's start with Isaac, still moping about finding out about Patrick being his biological father. Denise has done everything she can to keep him from making a mess of himself. She knows he's struggling but skipping work and making up excuses and drinking until he's nearly having a pee in front of children, is definitely not the way to be coping. All I can really say is, thank you to Bailey! What an amazing child she is! Amazing that it's taken a child to actual make a grown-up realise he hasn't really got it all that bad! Yeah, it would be a shock to him, but what Bailey said was absolutely inspirational and it really spoke truth to him. She's absolutely right in the fact that the guy who Isaac thought was his Dad, never left his side till his death. He was with him every single day and treated him like his own, now he's got another Dad to help him with his future, he could really make a go of building a relationship with Patrick if he gave him the chance. When Bailey spoke how lucky she was to have had two Mum's, I just thought it was absolutely moving, really sweet. I'm hoping now Isaac will realise he hasn't got it all that bad and he'll be able to move on, perhaps when Patrick and Sheree come back, he'll be able to ask them any questions he wants answering and maybe then, he'll feel ready to move on and accept Patrick is his Dad.

Oh Keegan! I feel like he's just not dealing with things well at the moment. I mean, did he really need to post up the video to his social media, inevitably putting Jack's job at risk! Jack told him to keep it to himself as their could be consequences, and its as if he didn't care. He was selfish and wanted to uphold his reputation. I mean, I get he wanted to prove he was innocent, but that would have happened in time and the police would've admitted their mistakes, but it's as if he can't let go after the way they treated him. I personally, feel sorry for Tiffany in all of this, she's being stuck right in the middle of it all. She's trying her best to support and understand her husband, but also her uncle put his neck on the line for her husband. What's going to happen now? Could Jack be in deep trouble with this colleagues? Will Keegan get the justice he's so desperate for? Or will he come to regret posting the video in the first place? I know it's awful to say, but I'm kinda getting a bit bored of this story-line now, I have a feeling this will change Keegan's personality completely and it may lead to further story-lines involving him fighting against the police, fighting for equality and stuff like that? I could be completely wrong, but I just have a feeling that might be the direction it'll take, who knows? I am concerned for Jack now though, is he going to lose his job now though due to Keegan's actions? Will he be able to explain himself or will he do as Keegan suggested and keep quiet? What do you think is going to happen? Do you see this story-line dying down eventually or could it take a whole new direction? Let me know what you think guys, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Ha! She may be a bit gullible, but I do love Habiba! She brings a lot of comedy to the soap, which is what we really need right now. At first I thought she was going to get away with it and be able to get the information for Rainie! I loved the look on Ian's face when he thought she was serious about getting to know more about the business. It was only when she dropped all her papers and Ian saw her paperwork it was all going to go downhill! I just loved the fact she didn't seem to click, not even knowing what "Sweet FA" meant! God bless her! Haha! But now Ian has made Max aware of what is going on, what does it mean for Max? Will he still give Rainie the divorce she wants? Or will he be able to give her the divorce and still be able to keep the majority of his money! Even Ruby mentioned he should be careful with money, considering he wanted to take her out for a meal even though he still has a divorce to pay for. Did anyone else see the flirtation between Ruby and Martin?! Okay, let me just say ... where the heck has Martin been?! With everything happening with Jean, surely he would've been there to help Kush out ... hmm maybe now he'll start helping? Anyway, there was obvious flirtation and sexual attraction there between Martin and Ruby ... Didn't they sleep together once a while back?! And they've not mentioned it to anyone or to each other since? Now Ruby has offered him a job, could there be something on the horizon for them? And will Max start to feel jealous around them and begin to notice what's going on?!

So, due to Ben having a temperature, his operation has had to be postponed. It's a bit of shame as I feel everyone wanted him to get it done there and then, obviously Ben more than anyone! Callum was there to support his partner, after having their argument the episode beforehand, he knew he had to be there for him. It was massive blow for Ben to be told he couldn't have the operation, he just wants everything to be back to normal. But now the question is, when will he have the operation? Will it still be a success? But most importantly, will he have the operation in time before he has to do the dodgy deal with his Dad? Something is telling me, No! Even Phil was eager to know when they'd reschedule his op for, and Kathy noticed it was the exact same way that Ben reacted! Is she going to click on that something is happening between the two of them and will she find out what they're involved in?! I'm really looking forward to seeing what the future holds for Ben, the episode that's going to be completely focused on him is going to be epic! We know that Ben is still meant to come across someone who is completely deaf, a young girl named Frankie will come into the soap, will she be able to help Ben come to terms with his hearing loss? I do hope his op will be successful, but of course, we will all have to wait and see!

Ooooh poor Jean! I just want to give her a big hug and tell her everything is okay. She's found out that both Kush and Shirley were slipping her medication into her food and drink, which actually caused her to have her fit. They'd accidentally given her too much and she'd been poisoned by the vast amount they'd given her. Of course their intentions were caring and loving as they both care very deeply for Jean and can see that she's not being herself recently, they were literally trying to do their best at caring for her. It just turned out so drastically wrong. I hated the fact that Suki had to get involved, she was more bothered about her cardigan!! She is going to be so smug now knowing that Jean also has bipolar and that she was there to help and even stop the hospital from getting both Kush and Shirley in trouble. Jean owes her nothing and I hope Jean knows that! What is Suki getting out of this? I don't understand, why can't she just keep her distance from Jean and leave her alone! I feel sorry for all of them, I feel sorry for Jean, I feel sorry for Kush and Shirley. Everyone is just trying to help and poor Jean can't see that, and now she feels as if she can't trust them and has decided to throw Kush out, as well as the kids. I'm worried that her living on her own is going to cause her more problems, how will she be able to cope? I think now is the time for Stacey and Kat to come back, Jean's mental state is only going to get from bad to worse and without Kush or Shirley being there to look after her, who's going to let them know?! Maybe Kush and Shirley can keep an eye on her from a distance? Will Kush finally inform Martin about is happening? Either way, I just hope Jean will be okay, although I do fear it's only going to get worse for her before it gets better.

I hope you've all enjoyed reading, if you have anything you'd like to talk to me about regarding EastEnders, feel free to send me a message. I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions on the current story-lines. I'll be back again this evening with a second post following up tonight's episode! Thanks folks! xXx

[thedevillord-writes]

Pandora - Leave

"You get use to someone—start to like them, even—and they leave. In the end, everyone leaves"

-Rachel Ward

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Go ahead."

He had no idea what she was about to throw at him, though the only thing Yosuke cared about at the moment was the fact that she spoke. He was worried, and those who knew him well would laugh in his face if he told them he was worried about someone else. In fact, Yosuke wanted to laugh at himself. He never thought the day when he took care of someone else would ever arrive.

"Have you ever loved someone?"

Haruka's question was unexpected, so much so that it took Yosuke a little while before it registered. It should not be a tough question, not for anyone else at least. Yet, he was finding it hard to answer truthfully. Did he ever love someone? Yosuke would like to say no, but something deep in his guts was telling him to say yes. Her face popped up in his mind instantly though Yosuke was hesitant. He was young back then, did he even know what love was? Did he know what love was even now?

Waiting for Yosuke's answer, Haruka could not help but notice how quiet he went. She did not mean much by the question itself, simply wanting some clarity from his answer. She had been denying her own feelings for Eisuke for a long time, so suppressed that she did not know when these feelings started to develop in the first place. She had no idea how Yosuke's answer would help her think but seeing the way he was reacting did; his answer was written on his face. How his eyebrows knitted together because he was trying to make sense of his own feelings. Did that count as love? Did this count as love? Seeing how human he was being relieved her somehow.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"I did," Yosuke nodded, looking at her with a smile. "I did a long time ago. I'm not sure if you would consider it love, and I sure as hell did not back then. But looking back, the things I did was probably because I loved her."

"Is it the pianist?"

"Now you're just prying."

Yosuke looked away, breaking eye contact. Even without a degree in psychology, she knew he was avoiding her. He knew he was being obvious, but he could not risk Haruka reading him any further. She was too observant for her own good; a good quality in a secretary but absolutely terrible to find in a friend. There were many things that Yosuke kept buried deep down, he was not about to let them surface just from one look.

"You asked me before if I finally came to terms with the fact that I've fallen in love with Mr. Ichinomiya," Haruka said softly, looking down at her hand. "I avoided your question back then but...I have an answer now. I'm in love with him. I love Mr. Ichinomiya so much that it hurts. But I stand by what I said before, that we don't belong together. And this," she raised her hand to show him her wound, "this is proof that we don't belong together. That pain is all that comes out of it."

"You remind me of her."

"Who? The pianist?"

"The girl I was in love with." Yosuke stopped himself before he said anything else. He let his guard down. Whether or not she intentionally did it, this woman somehow went around and found another way to dig into his past. Still, he would not be revealing too much. "You two are very similar. Both of you came from broken families, grew up in tough environments, yet you still looked at the world and see the good. But you only see the good in others, you don't see it in yourself. Correction, you never see good happening to you."

As she expected, Yosuke's words were clarifying. Growing up the way she did, it was hard to believe that anything fortunate would ever happen to her. Landing the job as Eisuke's secretary was the only moment in life in which she would consider herself lucky. Even so, she kept telling herself that she had used up an entire lifetime of luck just to get the job and anything else fortunate was no longer hers to have. Was that why she kept rejecting the idea of a relationship with Eisuke? Because she was not 'lucky' enough to have him? Or was it just an excuse for her to feel sorry for herself as with everything else?

Putting his hand on her head, Yosuke gave her a smile as he cleared away the first aid kit. Talking to her had him realising why he was so attracted to Haruka in the first place. He was not interested in her per se, but rather, she reminded him of her. All these years, Yosuke buried memories of her deep down as he did with anything else that could possibly hurt him. Each time he became determined to forget her completely, he ended up searching for updates on her instead. Then he met Haruka who, despite the vastly different background, uncannily resembled her in every way personality wise. That was the true reason why he was so willing to play along with Haruka, so determined to form some sort of relationship, and helping her in ways he never helped others when she needed it.

"There's a guest room just down the hall on your right," Yosuke pointed. "I'm guessing you wouldn't want to go home after all that happened. You're more than welcome to stay the night but please do not snoop around. Although, I wouldn't mind if you snooped into my room."

"And here I am, thinking what a good man you really are until you ruined it."

~.~

He made a mistake. A huge mistake.

Eisuke's empire did not come easy. He worked for years just to come up with a plan for the hotel itself. Then, he had to fight to have a casino built. Everything he had was possible because Haruka was there by his side, working all those late nights together. And while she was the one who typed up proposal after proposal, Haruka was not the one who fought for the bill to be passed so he could have his casino. It was men like Junko's father, politicians those proposals went to. Politicians he had to butter up at events. It did not matter how much he hated it, they were the ones he needed to please. Which meant pleasing people like Junko whose father was one of those politicians.

"Could I stay with you tonight, Eisuke?" Junko asked, snaking her arm around his though Eisuke was quick to pull away. "If my father saw the state I'm in now, he would be asking questions and we don't want that. I'm sure your secretary didn't mean to hurt me."

Anger was quick to boil over when Eisuke turned and grabbed Junko by the neck, slamming her against the wall. Thank goodness they were alone in the basement parking, though he was aware of the security cameras all around them. He could not care less at this point. He knew. She knew. Almost everyone knew that Haruka was not the culprit in the incident. But no one dared to say a word for the same reason why Eisuke was not with Haruka right now: they were afraid of her father. He was too, if he was being honest, but he could take it no longer.

"You and I both know that Haruka was no in fault," Eisuke said, his tone was quiet but harsh. He squeezed tighter and Junko let out a muffled squeal, clawing at his hand for him to let go. He wanted to. He wanted to, so very badly, to squeeze the literal life out of her. "If you touch her again, you will regret it. If anything happens to Haruka, whether it's your fault or not, I will be coming for you. Do you understand?"

"Y-yes..."

Watching as her face was slowly drained of colours, Eisuke eventually let her go. Junko dropped to the ground and gasped for air, glaring up at him. He turned and walked away without so much of a second look at her, going to his car. Eisuke knew what he just did was essentially suicide. It was always recommended to make friends with politicians, not enemies. Those days were gone. He lived his early years as a young adult afraid of people like the Inoue's. He had watched his own father kissing up to them, even Akira. He was, however, at a position of power himself.

Getting into his car, Eisuke paused for a moment. He let out a huge sigh, closing his eyes and leaned back in his seat. It was true that he no longer needed Junko's father on his side but it was never a good idea to make an enemy. Now he had to be on guard and put time aside to deal with him if the politician ever decided to cause him trouble. Was it worth it? Was Haruka worth all this trouble?

With only one thought in mind, he started driving off. There was only one place in mind where he wanted to be right now but it was not home. Home meant nothing to him; it was always just a place to sleep or simply another office. In recent years though, he realised that he was looking forward to getting home after events because it meant he would see Haruka the next day. Home started to mean something to him. Home was where she was.

Arriving at the apartment complex, Eisuke parked the car by the roadside and got out. He walked up the stairs to Haruka's studio apartment, pressing the doorbell and waited for her to open the door. Five minutes went by and still the door was closed. He pressed the doorbell once more and waited another five minutes with no response. He stepped to the side and looked over the railing to see the lights off inside the apartment. Was she not home? Where else would she go if not home with that injury of hers?

Despite waiting for the next half an hour by the door, Haruka never returned. He did not leave, however. He went back to his car and got in but instead of starting the engine, he sat waiting. She had to come home, if not now, some time later.

But she never did.

He was not sure when he fell asleep but when he woke again, it was already morning. Getting out of his car and putting his suit jacket on, he went up the stairs again and pressed the doorbell. This time, the door opened. The person on the other side, however, was not someone he expected. Instead of Haruka, he was greeted by the last person he thought he would ever see. Standing right in front of him with a bag in his hand was Yosuke.

"What are you doing here?" Eisuke asked.

"Packing for Haruka," Yosuke smiled, raising the bag at the same time. "She stayed over at mine."

Haruka never came home?

Looking over Yosuke's shoulder, Eisuke was trying to see if his secretary was home though the irritating man stepped to the side at the same time and blocked his view. The tension between the two men was unbelievably high and neither of them was backing down. There was still a lot that Eisuke did not know about Yosuke though he did know one thing: he was close with Haruka somehow.

"Have you got everything, Yosuke-kun?"

"Yes, I have. Thank you so much for helping out, Tsubaki-san."

Another voice came from inside the apartment and an elderly woman came walking out. "Oh, well who is this?" Eisuke had never seen the woman before. She seemed to know Yosuke quite well, however, and being in the apartment meant she knew Haruka somehow. It only added to Eisuke's inexplicable hatred toward Yosuke. There was a part of Haruka's life that he knew nothing about, that he was not a part of. But Yosuke was.

Coming to that realisation, Eisuke finally understood why he did not like Yosuke. It was not because he was another man in Haruka's life; that played an extremely small part. It was the fact that with Yosuke's appearance, it was brought to light that Eisuke knew nothing about his secretary. The woman who knew everything there was to know about Eisuke, down to the most private details about his lifestyle and history. The same woman who would know exactly what was on his mind with just a simple hand movement. However, as it turned out, Eisuke was just a small part of her life and he had nothing to do with the rest.

"That's Haruka's boss," Yosuke whispered.

"Ah..." Tsubaki mumbled, looking at Eisuke with displeased eyes. "The one who works my precious Haruka-chan to death."

Whoever the woman was to Haruka, she certainly did not like Eisuke. She was as over the moon as Haruka was when she came running home one day, telling Tsubaki that she finally found a job. A good paying job too. They celebrated that night, eating all of Haruka's favourite food and watched her favourite movies until they fell asleep on the sofa together. The next day, Tsubaki took her shopping and bought her a new set of clothes so she could look decent at work. Haruka treated her to an expensive lunch and paid off all her rent with her first pay. Tsubaki never felt more proud of her.

Then it was only heartbreak from there.

She used to see Haruka almost every night for dinner and slowly, it became a few nights per week, one night a week, and eventually they did not see each other until the day Haruka came to pay for her rent. The times Tsubaki did see her, the young woman would always be too tired and looked as if she would collapse any second though she always insisted she was fine. Despite never meeting him, Tsubaki started to despise Eisuke since.

"Well, I've got to go," Yosuke said, giving the woman a hug before looking to Eisuke though he did not say anything as he walked past the man. Caught by the elbow, Yosuke frowned a little and was prepared for some violence though he was pleasantly surprised what came from Eisuke instead.

"You didn't take her to the hospital, did you?"

"She said no hospital, so I didn't."

"If anything happens to her-"

"Nothing will happen to Haruka. Not while she's under my care."

Pushing Eisuke's hand off his elbow, Yosuke left. There was nothing Eisuke could do either, except letting him go. He wanted to punch Yosuke's smug face but that was not going to bring Haruka back. It would not help his image with Tsubaki either. If she was happier elsewhere, then perhaps he should let her be.

With a polite bow to Tsubaki, Eisuke left too and went back to his car. This time, he started the engine and drove off, going back to the hotel. He was not letting Haruka go, not completely anyway. If she needed the time to be away, he would gladly allow her that time alone. He came to terms with her wanting a six months leave, surely he could too with this. He would wait for her to come back patiently. She was the only person in this world he was willing to wait for. Little did he know what was waiting for him back home.

~.~

Yumi pulled the door open slightly, peeking in. She kept eyeing the desk, specifically a letter sitting on top of all the files Eisuke left on the desk. Eisuke had not been back all night, neither was he here in the morning, which meant he had not seen the letter. Since her boss had not returned, this was the only time she could sneak in and retrieve the letter before he saw it. There was, however, one thing hanging in her mind.

It was not a set rule but rather, an advice that Haruka passed onto Yumi. If Eisuke was not present, it would be smart on her side if she did not enter his office. This was to protect herself in case of trouble. If anything were to go missing from his office, Yumi could say with confidence that she had not been in his office when he was absent. She was debating, however, whether or not it was worth the risk in order to destroy the letter.

When Haruka came that morning to drop it off, Yumi was caught off guard. She was certain that Eisuke had no knowledge of the letter, nor would he have wanted to see the letter at all. After eight years of having Haruka by his side, there was no way he would accept that envelope even without looking at the letter inside.

"What are you doing?"

"Mr. Ichinomiya!"

Startled, Yumi closed the door and pressed her back against it, turning to see Eisuke standing behind her. Her eyes were wide like a prey's, while Eisuke was glaring at her like a predator. Haruka reassured her that she would get used to the intimidating glares sooner or later. Yumi, on the other hand, felt as if she would never be used to it. Every time she looked him in the eyes, she felt small and threatened, too afraid to object.

"What's the schedule today?" Eisuke asked, opening the door.

"Um...You have a meeting after lunch. Mr. Nakano's secretary sent over a proposal, if there's no problem then you could sign and send back."

As she spoke, following behind Eisuke, Yumi had her eyes on the envelope. When Eisuke was taking his suit jacket off, Yumi took the chance and grabbed the letter but she was not fast enough. With one finger, Eisuke pressed down on the envelope. Beating herself internally, Yumi let go of the letter. Opening the letter, Eisuke only read the first line when he tore the letter up.

"What the hell is this?"

"Haruka-san came in this morning and she put it on your desk. I've tried convincing her but she said this is the only way."

"Only way?"

"I don't understand what she meant..."

Dear Mr. Ichinomiya Eisuke,

Please accept this letter as a notice of my resignation from my position as your secretary, effective immediately.

Unfortunately my personal issues are affecting my ability to work, and after careful consideration, it would be best for both of us if I resign from my position.

It has been a pleasure working for you and under Ichinomiya Group over the last eight years. I am grateful for the opportunities you gave me and everything that I learnt from the job. I am more than happy to aide with the transition of my position to Miss Miyazawa Yumi, although I am confident that she is competent enough as of now.

Once again, it had been a pleasure working for you and I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Matsuoka Haruka

[luckycheesefoodie321]

Once again no Pukyuu Watch for Ch 169 but ohhh man I could barely breathe reading this one...SPOILERS, yeah AND IMMA BABBLE FOR A WHILE

Kusanagi has been really following this Hak thread, trying to bring him to some sort of point of realisation...probably try to meet him up with where Yona is at mentally...

Yona’s been reflecting for a while now, on trying to understand Soo-Won and his motivations, and trying not to be too heavily influenced by her emotions and his actions...she’s since acknowledged that Soo-Won has been working hard to restore Kouka’s strength, and Yona can’t disagree with this goal...she also can’t disagree with Soo-Won’s actions as ruler thus far (that time he tried to wage war on Xing, notwithstanding)...Soo-Won has been good for the country, and her father, for all intents and purposes, had not and she’s been able to see that in her travels...

HAK however was possibly even more impacted by Soo-Won’s treachery, being connected with Soo-Won in a way that Yona could never have reached...they were always the perfect team...losing that would’ve hurt badly...pile on the fact that Soo-Won hurt Yona in the process, well we all know how he reacted that first time he saw Soo-Won after Il’s murder...

But in recent chapters, idk how far back, but Hak has seen Yona striving to move past the betrayal and focus on her goal to help fix Kouka’s problems, and both of them know that Soo-Won is also helping drive this forward...and thus far Hak knows Soo-Won is capable and smart and cunning and resourceful and determined...but he’s still consumed by his bitter rage...but he’s been getting better...he knows he has to change, and seeing Yona hand away her hairpin from Soo-Won was one of the biggest indicators that he needed to change his thinking...

Now, in the midst of battle, one of Soo-Won’s strategies started flooding in his mind, and Hak is frustrated and furious that he has to turn to him, but he knows it’s the right move that will ultimately get him to where he needs to go... Hak compliments Soo-Won’s strategies perfectly...he’s someone who can execute the impossible and now even Kye-Shook is forced to acknowledge this...

This feels like a turning point for Kye-Shook...maybe this means he’ll try to pull Hak on side back to Soo-Won or maybe this means he’s finally recognised the value of Hak and Yona, two people he seems to have forgotten were Soo-Won’s dearest and closest friends who knew him in ways that Kye-Shook had no idea about...it was clear when Yona managed to convince Soo-Won to stop the attack on Xing, and it’s clear here when Hak executes one of Soo-Won’s own strategies on the battlefield...

These three have a dynamic and a teamwork that transcends the enmity between them...I really enjoy the whole “Soo-Won and Yona are two halves of Hiryuu” idea...I dunno if I agree it’ll turn out that way but there’s a lot of parallels between them, and tie in their profound connection with Hak, it makes you wonder about the prophecy and if Hak falls into that at all...the sword and the shield, the greatest warrior in a thousand years...

And right now the only thing keeping that weapon level is Yona...

It happened the first time they met Soo-Won...Yona’s been that levelling presence and after worrying about leading troops into war and scrambling around trying to protect everyone, he remembers that the ultimate goal is to rescue Yona and Yoon and the dragons, and dying foolishly won’t get him there, and the lapis lazuli becomes Yona’s proxy and that’s just wholesome...it also opens the door to Soo-Won’s strategies which is interesting...and it also clears his mind and he realises he needs more help and sends Algira and Vold to rescue his people for him...

Another important move for him...Dark Dragon really coming to light...

Idk my thoughts have run out and this probs makes no sense but yeah...this is the first time the Happy Hungry Bunch has been so divided...we haven’t seen Yona in a couple chaps (consequently no Ao for Pukyuu watch), we only JUST NOW saw Yoon as a hostage...we saw the dragon brothers squaring off last chap so they’re literally on opposite sides of a conflict...and Hak is busy taking on an army so their battle doesn’t collapse...

and of course, no Soo-Won, despite the flashback we just had...this one seems really high stakes...

[inanawesomewave]

GAME RESENTS GAME

When you have a Cluster B personality disorder, you can spot others of your kind a mile off. Whether it’s something major like their temper and what it’s based around, or if it’s just the way they accidentally forget to smile in the middle of an insincere moment, we see eachother. We know. So what happens when we meet others of our type? I’ve been asked a few times how I think relationships between personality disorders usually go, and I’ve only got a few personal examples, but the examples I do have, have intrinsically and undeniably shaped my life in lots of ways, profoundly and significantly.  ASPD Surprise surprise, I really like other sociopaths. Not at first, mind. My first instinct with another antisocial is, “something’s off about this guy. Who does he think he fucking is? No, I don’t like him. There’s something about him I just don’t like.” I think this is probably because antisocials have such a lack of connection to ourselves and such disdain for ourselves (not to be confused with self-loathing) that to see ourselves mirrored can sometimes be destabilising. But sure enough, usually in barely any time at all, I grow to like that person a lot. They make me laugh, they say things that I can identify with. I am around someone with whom the jokes keep coming, there’s a sense of fluidity to the conversation, and whether I’ve come to know that person extremely well over the course of years, or whether I’ve only known them for a few months, there’s a fluency of shared in-jokes that haven’t been pre-established, and I like that. I can be partners in crime with other sociopaths. I can say things with impunity. There’s a kinship there, a brotherhood. I’ve mentioned him before, but my early adulthood was shaped by the influence of a best friend I will always remember as one of the finest people I have ever known. More of a factor 1 kind of psychopath, I hated him right away. I’d never immediately hated someone before, but he seemed smug, or self-assured, he seemed... I hate to admit it, but the first time I saw him, we were in a room full of people and he looked better than everyone else (including me) and he seemed more interesting than everyone else (including me) and people seemed really interested in him (more so than me) and he looked really sure of himself (just like I like to be). Looking back I felt intimidated by who I immediately identified as being the top of the food chain. He later told me, and made very clear to me, his immediate reaction to me was much the same. Over the course of just a few weeks, we became friends, then best friends, then we had a bond that was like brotherhood, kinship. Our friendship was one of solid loyalty, and whilst we really did piss eachother off quite a lot, there was something of an unspoken understanding that this was it and we were in this. I had more empathy for him than I’d ever had for anyone at that point. When I heard him talk, I felt I could finally talk.  I’ve met other sociopaths over the years, and I feel like I’ve gone into my tribe. I’m not normally a pack animal, but if it’s a wolf pack, I’m in.  BPD What I’m about to say is from personal experience, and is only from intimate relationships I have been in. I don’t rub along well with borderlines, historically. I will tell you why. And this is why I believe a lot of antisocials shouldn’t date borderlines -- it’s not fair on anyone.  I was in a three year relationship with a man with BPD, and it was a fucking nightmare. I’m self-sufficient, and I like my emotions to be my choice, especially where my empathy and compassion is concerned. I will support, love and trust, until I feel it’s being forced out of me, and then I will react, dismiss, disgust. The borderline I dated immediately latched onto every single part of my life, very quickly. It was like he was trying to become me. At first, I was flattered. I even entertained the idea that this was good for me, good for my ego maybe, if narcissistic supply is being told how great you are then antisocial supply is being powerful enough that people try to emulate you. He was very full-on at first, I remember feeling a little stifled by how constantly he needed to be in touch with me, he’d call me after work, during work, after the drinks after work, he’d call me when he was drunk because he thought he was so hilarious I’d die laughing and be grateful of the attention. And maybe that was his way of showing love, but I was not grateful of the attention, and it didn’t take me long to get bored of it. He was everywhere, and he was everyone, and he was nobody, all at once. His lack of identity and need for me to define it for him exhausted me, and angered me. It was like he wanted me to organise his entire life, tell him what to do, where to be, who to meet, what to say, and then once he realised his own codependence he’d become furious and react by, oh, I don’t know, contacting an ex, talking about former sexual partners, inventing an emotional crisis and then being pissed off I didn’t respond to it (once, after an argument: “Ugh, I guess I’m just a little tired today. It’s the two year anniversary of my ex-girlfriend’s father’s death.” ???). I had to always be there for him, no matter what, and his being there for me was insincere. His rage was equal to mine, and I admit that, he was angry all the time and I was angry all the time. Very quickly a battle of wills was established by the both of us, and for two whole years we were both jousting against eachother. But he would always try to win, by creating a crisis: he’d hurt himself in front of me, he’d perform sadness or pain in front of me (and was a bad actor), he’d “go missing” for a few hours then turn up “confused”, he’d pretend, pretend, pretend, and the more he needed my undivided attention and empathy, the more I resented him. And I would try to win by laughing or ignoring, and both of us came off as bad people, because both of us were being bad people. When he, as the DSM would word it, would frantically try to avoid abandonment, after a while, I would abandon as best I could, and with spite.  I think it’s nothing personal, the way antisocials are with borderlines, but I think it’s in our chemistry, or whatever magic it is that makes up Cluster B: antisocials need to be self-sufficient. We are generous and loving, but we covet that generosity and warmth extremely fiercely. We don’t respond to emotional provocation, we do not respect it. And we’re emotionally very cold, closed-off, and unavailable. Borderlines need to feel loved and catered for. They are too generous and loving, but they can’t seem to regulate all too well how that love comes out, what’s appropriate, what’s not. It’s not the fault of the person with BPD that insecurity has left them with a fear of abandonment, but it’s not the fault of the person with ASPD that abandonment is how we cope.  NPD Tough one, because again, I’ve known narcissists I’ve really liked. It’s the ones I’d call “Evolved” narcissists: they know what they’re about, who they are, why they’re doing what they’re doing, and whether they’re trying to change it or not is irrelevant, the self-awareness is enough. But then again, there’s something in narcissism, when it’s malignant and lacks all self-awareness, that I find almost delusional, I begin to wonder just how close to psychosis it really is, if they say that the “borderline” in Borderline Personality Disorder stands for “The borderline between neurosis and psychosis”, then how did narcissists escape that label? When grandiosity is that pervasive and delusional, I don’t understand how it isn’t a genuine psychotic disorder. It’s true that so many Cluster B traits intermingle with eachother, and the reason I don’t get on with narcissists as a rule and they don’t get on with me, is what I mentioned in my first part about ASPD -- a battle of wills is too quickly established. Narcissists are always looking for evidence that their crown is about to be toppled, and antisocials are always looking to attack, and to defy what’s been handed to them. Antisocials have narcissistic tendencies, but whilst a narcissist will always be a hero (or a victim) in every story they tell, the antisocial will be whatever the situation requires, but the antisocial doesn’t buy into their own bullshit. I’ve found in the past that a narcissist will rewrite history, but then curiously, believe their own retelling of the thing that never happened. Antisocials love to eke out insincerity, to either see how the situation unfolds, or to make someone squirm -- but narcissists seem to become so involved in their insincerity, they have no idea they’re no longer being sincere, or telling any kind of truth. I’ve had a few in my life, and maybe I’m biased because of that, but my most recent experience is the boyfriend of someone I used to be very close to. I think it’s the lying, or the fact that their manipulations really are very intricate, I’m not sure. But it’s ultimate control, impotent power, and hard to stick around for. But having said all that, my relationships to narcissists is probably a 30/70 split. For every handful of narcissists I meet that I hate, I meet one that I find truly amazing. After all, that confidence and that self-importance, it’s hard to look away.  HPD I literally have never met anyone with this diagnosis, and I’m not sure I even understand it myself. 

[leafenclaw]

Tag your 10 favorite characters of all time

They can be from every book/movie/TV show/Video game, then tag 10 people.

Tagged by @jamlocked, thank you! :D

But also, oh god. XD

Early on as I was making that list, I encountered three problems: 1 - Most of my favourite characters of all time are actually variations on a single character archetype, with a whole damn lot of them even wearing the same name (or similar enough lol). 2 - Most of the ones that don’t fall under this category are from the same 2-3 source material, unless... 3 - ... they’re from sources that I cannot in good conscience recommend anymore, like for example books from MZ Bradley or OS Card that were extremely significant and shaped who I am, but considering what their authors turned out to be, enough said lol.

So instead of a “my favourites of all time” list, I just picked characters that made a significant and lasting impact on me, even if they didn’t turn out to be my absolute favourite from their media source. I hope that’s okay!

Cut for length, because as usual I got chatty.

In no particular order, aside perhaps for the first two: 

1 - Jamie Moriarty from Elementary. My everything. <3 She’s made of... honestly, pretty much all the archetypes I inevitably fall for, male or female, but somehow she rises above the sum of her parts and I cannot even start expressing how much she means to me. Other characters in the same general type would be of course all the Moriartys, Magneto, Gellert Grindelwald, Red John, Alice Morgan, etc. A lot of those characters are heavily defined by their sky-high intelligence and deviousness, but more importantly by the shapes they leave behind when they aren’t on screen/on the pages or when they’re hiding behind masks and facets that never encompass them as a whole, and by the way they always make a extremely lasting impact on the protagonist. When it’s a TV show or a movie, the use of camera language (lighting, colour schemes, camera plans, etc.) around them is always tightly defined and significant, and when it comes to literature, the same effect is applied through metaphors and symbolism. It makes the layers to those characters absolutely endless and when it comes to storytelling, it’s the one thing that’s guaranteed to hook me straight away. (Jamie is also obviously my favourite from her source material, even though Sherlock comes high in second place, and Watson a close third. And I also have a baffling soft spot for Joshua Vikner that probably deserves a mention lol.)

2 - Vegeta from Dragon Ball. Started a genocidal alien who regularly committed mass murder, ended a devoted, self-sacrificial husband and father of two (three if you count his son from the future). Still the best redemption arc I’ve ever seen (and probably will ever see) in any kind of media ever. (He is also -by far- my favourite from his source material.)

3 - Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. My fae child <3 Literally the only female character I ever identified with in that whole series. People close to me still regularly tell me I channel her lol. (Favourite from her source material: it’s a toss between Gellert Grindelwald and Severus Snape.)

4 - Jareth from Labyrinth. My (other) fae asshole child found in a trash bin lol. Love of my life before I was 10, kept me sane and believing in magic when I most needed to. I learned contact juggling because of him. (He is my fave, although I love Sarah even when she’s being a dramatic whiny teen.)

5 - Rebecca Anderson from The Mentalist. I have a strong and everlasting love for pretty much all characters in TM, but this one extremely minor character made a chilling impact on me by the fact she’s exactly who I would have turned out to be had I not made one tiny little change at a crucial point in my life. So she makes the list if only for that. (My fave TM character is Lisbon, but the way she acts and reacts baffles me on a daily basis. I understand and identify with Jane much better. Fighting hard in third place would be Lorelei Martins and Madeleine Hightower, I think, but I truly love them all and by this point it’s just nuances.)

6 - Erik from Phantom of the Opera. This one stabbed me with a spoon and ate my heart out lol. I care a lot more for the original Leroux version than the Broadway/movie version, but the absolute top iteration of this character is written by Susan Kay in the pastiche Phantom and I bet every serious PotO fan will agree. (He is -by far- my fave, with the Daroga a distant second.)

7 - Eurus Holmes from BBC Sherlock. This one took me completely by surprise. One of the shittiest character arcs I’ve ever seen, and yet. She’s the one that pulled me out of the meta mindset I had been stuck into since season 2 and gutted me like a fish before I had time to realise what happened. (Jim and Irene share the top spot for their source material, but all three Holmes siblings are fighting for third place.)

8 - Hans from Frozen. The one character that made me realise the storytelling & camera language studies paid off lol (”wtf Disney doesn’t design its princes that way, there’s something off about him!”). I genuinely hated him right off the bat when I saw that movie because he made my gut twist with so many red flags, but the moment he revealed himself as a villain things clicked into place and now I love him lol (I’m so predictable xD). He shares the “hiding behind smoke & mirrors & facets of himself” with the Moriarty archetype, which makes him fascinating to watch and analyse, and for that alone I hope to see more of him in Frozen 2 because I never get enough of that kind of character. (Elsa used to be my favourite, but lately there’s been a disconnect. I’m not sure if I just out-grew her or if it’s a depression thing. As for Hans, it’s a strange kind of love/hate/fascination thing that I couldn’t define.)

9 - Clarice Starling from Silence of the Lambs. For the sole reason that her fascination for Hannibal and the pull that makes her come back even though she knows he’s terrible for her mental health made me feel seen, and also validated my own fascination and love for villains, which people around me always found strange. (Obviously, my fave is Hannibal. I wish the recent show about him wasn’t so gore. Can’t watch it because I’m too sensitive to on-screen violence and body horror.)

10 - Laure/Mickaël from Tomboy This one is a little harder to explain, and to be honest I’m not sure I really want to. That movie is... questionable lol but maybe you’ll have an idea why that character made such an impact on me if you saw it. (Or maybe not. It’s okay.)

Runner-ups: Link from A Link to the Past, Sheik/Zelda from Ocarina of Time, Jake from The Dark Tower, Scotty Valens from Cold Case, Scar from The Lion King, Billy Elliot from Billy Elliot, Arya Stark from ASOIAF, Garraty from The Long Walk, L from Death Note, and many many others.

I have exactly 10 followers, one of them tagged me, and I tagged 5 of you earlier on something else so I’m not going to harass you people further. XD Steal this if you want to!

[looselucy]

Childhood friends / 6244 words

Catch up

March 2017

Part One

To say I skipped downstairs merrily would be an alarming understatement. All I could think about was the fact that Harry was my boyfriend. All I could think about was how ridiculously happy we’d been the night before, the initial beginnings of our rekindling seeming to wash away and be replaced by this new commencement, which was so innocent and sweet that I almost felt like we were kids again. Just two teenagers who were trying to figure out their feelings as the same time as knowing that it was something special, like you’d do anything for them because you were foolish and young and smitten. It hit me directly in the chest to walk into the kitchen and see my mother sat there looking so miserable.

“Morning.” I greeted, trying to keep my chipper mood. “Kettles just boiled.” She said, almost no emotion in her voice. I tried not to roll my eyes as I sulked over to the cupboards and grabbed a mug, hoping that our conversation wouldn’t be a sour one even though I was absolutely sure it would be. “Are you really mad at me?” I sighed, preparing my cup of tea. “No.” “Well, you’re acting like you are.” “I just don’t know why you didn’t tell me!” She got straight to the point. “There was nothing to tell, mum!” I groaned. “It’s been… complicated. I didn’t even know it was a… thing. It wasn’t that I was withholding anything from you, it was just that I didn’t even know if there was anything to tell you about.” She remained quiet until my drink was made and I’d pulled up a chair across from her, staring her out until she finally spoke again, because I knew she had a lot to say, and I was practically going to force her to say it. I wanted to get everything out in the open again before I went back to Swanage. “Is he your boyfriend?” “He is, yeah. It happened last night.” “Which means that more has been happening before last night and you never told me!” “Okay, yes… We’ve been meeting but it wasn’t serious. And then suddenly it was but… Okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It genuinely was pretty complicated until last night and… we decided we want to figure it out together. I mean… it’s Harry. He has a lot going on and… it’s not going to be easy but that’s what we’re doing. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner, but do you understand why I wouldn’t?” “I do, yes. I’m not mad at you, Sweetie. I miss you a lot and I like it when we share.” “I know. I’m sorry.” “Is that why he was asking me about you last month?” “Yeah. See, we weren’t even speaking then!” I told her, wide-eyed. “A month ago, we literally weren’t speaking. There was nothing to say.” She seemed like she was easing with the more she was learning, suddenly lifting her mug and her eyelids, and it was nice to feel like we were just having a bit of a gossip rather than her interrogating me. That was how I’d wanted it to be. That was how I had planned it being before her nose had lead her outside the evening before and she’d seen us backed up against the garden wall. I was still cringing. “Why weren’t you talking?” She asked before taking a big sip. “He said he was going to be too busy, and I was… reluctant to tell him how I was feeling about anything.” Suddenly, her face dropped again, and I could tell what I’d just said had bothered her for a few reasons. It wasn’t hard to figure out, because it probably bothered her for the same reasons those words had been bothering me. Harry telling me how busy he was going to be in order to end our original agreement was something that had played on my mind a lot. It was what had almost stopped me from trying things with him on a serious level. “So what changed?” She asked uncomfortably. “Nothing changed. I mean… our attitudes towards it, I guess. We decided… not to care.” I shrugged. “We’re gunna try anyway.” “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” “No.” I managed to chuckle. “But it’s happening.” I think it was in that moment that I realised that my mother had actually been happy that I’d grown up shutting out emotions, shutting out people. We’d both reacted so similarly when my father passed away, dealt with it in perfect unison. I guess a part of me had always predicted that my mother would hate that fact that I’d blocked people out since it happened. I thought she would despise that I’d let it get to me so much that I became physically terrified of allowing people into my life that way. But it was in that very moment that I realised that a huge part of her had wanted me to be that way, hoping that my refusal to let people close would save me from getting hurt. She wanted to keep me from harm in one of the most harmful ways imaginable, and I was just realising. “Lulu, the likeliness of that working is so slim. You’re going to end up… getting hurt, and I don’t-” “Mum, please don’t.” There were tears in my eyes. “It’s taken me eight fucking months… to come to terms with my feelings rather than just… fucking ignoring them like we do. Please don’t make me take any steps backwards now. Mum don’t make me overthink this, please.” “Losing people hurts so much, Lulu!” “I know, mum. I fucking know. I lost someone too!” “But I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, especially not my daughter!” “But that’s life, mum!” I squealed. “I can’t keep avoiding this! I just can’t! If it’s not Harry then it’s going be someone else! I’m scared enough as it is, but I need… I need you on my side, please!” “I just can’t see you get hurt. I can’t.” “I know it’s scary mum… I’m scared. This whole thing is freaking me out, but I can’t… avoid people because of what ifs. People avoid amazing things because of what ifs, and I’ve been told not to be one of those people and I don’t want to be.” She nodded, clearly upset by the entire thing, but she knew she had to accept it. She didn’t want to, not really, but she had to. She must have been waiting for this day, and she would have struggled with it no matter the circumstances. The fact that the boy I’d found myself falling for was Harry just made it even worse. “It doesn’t matter what you say,” I sighed, reaching out and taking her hand in mine. “I’m going to try this with Harry. I just need you there being supportive of it. And I need to know that if it does all go wrong, you’ll be there to help pick up the pieces without saying I told you so.” “Of course I’ll support you.” She trembled, sounding somewhat defeated. “I’m sorry. I know I’m hard work but-” “You’re not hard work, mum. I can’t judge because my attitude was exactly the same as yours until recently, but… we have to try and break down these walls we’ve built. They’re not doing us any good.” She nodded again, and she looked so sad, it killed me. Unlike me, I think my mum had been totally aware of the way she held people at arm’s length, avoided situations that could result in her losing someone and getting hurt. She knew that about herself, always had, whereas for me, I was only just beginning to realise and wrap my head around it. She knew, and she knew she needed to change. We both did. “So, you like him?” “So much.” I sighed, like even talking about it removed a weight from my shoulders. “I mean… I always did but then obviously he fucked off and got famous and like… I dunno. I never thought I’d even see him again properly. He’s so great, mum.” “I know he is! He always has been. I always pinch his little cheeks. He’s very cute.” “He’s insanely cute.” I groaned. “I like him so much. I really think if we try hard enough, we could make this work. We both really want to.” We sat and spoke all morning. I caught her up on what had happened between myself and Harry, she caught me up on the general, extremely uninteresting, happenings of Holmes Chapel, and things seemed to return to normal. I knew she was struggling with it, and maybe she would struggle for a long time to try and be okay with me putting myself in a vulnerable position, but I was glad she was trying.

Part Two

“What did she say?” Harry asked for what felt like the millionth time. “Nothing noteworthy, I promise.” “She was off with me.” “That’s because you had me up against a wall, Harry.” “It’s nothing to do with that and I know it’s not, Little Lulu Lamb. She’s usually overly sweet with me. Is she… Is she not happy, that we’re… y’know?” “It’s fine, Harry. Please drop it.” I felt like my mother had come around, just slightly, but I still didn’t really want to tell Harry about how she’d reacted to the news that I was in a relationship with him. I didn’t want him to think we had anything else going against us. He could tell I was lying, that much was clear, but he finally accepted that I wasn’t going to explain my mother’s worry to him. With a slight eye roll, he sunk into the sofa a little more, flicking through channels, indecisive and sulking like a child. I moved myself, balancing my chin on his shoulder and staring at him awkwardly until it was impossible for him not to smile. “The fuck do you want?” He chuckled. “She’ll come round, I promise. She’s just… She’s like me.” “I get that.” He sighed, turning his head and kissing the tip of my nose. “I just… I hope I can prove to both of you that… you don’t have anything to worry about. M’not gunna hurt you… Okay?” “Okay.” I whispered, fluttering my eyes closed as he kissed the tip of my nose again. “We’re slow learners though, okay? Give us time.” “Got plenty of it.” He cooed, lowering his lips to press against mine. I was living out a fantasy I’d had in my younger years. I was in Harry’s house, lazily kissing him on his sofa, the TV a dull drone of background noise because my lips were his entire focus. It felt so strange. Even when we’d started meeting again, started sleeping together, I had never thought we’d end up there, back in Holmes Chapel in his mum’s house, just innocently kissing one another. It didn’t feel like it could possibly be my life. The feeling was only amplified when he checked over my shoulder to see if he mother was about before he dove back in, his kiss intensifying. “Calm down.” I giggled against his lips, gently trying to push him away from me. “Can’t.” He mumbled, beginning to hitch himself from his side of the sofa, his body smothering mine. “Lulu… I haven’t felt you for almost… two months.” He groaned between kisses. “I’m getting desperate.” “It’s really not the time.” “You’re killing me, Lamb.” “Can’t you have a little patience?” “No.” He replied bluntly, fingers becoming lost in my hair as he yanked on the strands ever so sweetly. “Just… Let’s just…” Almost like she had sensed us getting far too carried away, and probably thinking she would have none of that under her roof, his mother loudly entered the room as though to give Harry enough warning so he could leap off me and the two of us could pretend we were being innocent and she could pretend we were too. “Hello, you two.” She greeted knowingly. “Hi!” I replied shyly, Harry groaning as quietly as he could, not impressed. “Lulu, are you staying for food?” “I wish I could, but I need to get home pretty soon. Thank you, though.” A think a small part of me wanted to get away sooner rather than later, because suddenly I wasn’t just spending time with Anne, a woman I’d known since I was small, a woman who I knew how to talk to. Suddenly I was very aware that she was my boyfriend’s mother, and I was slightly terrified that she would hate me. There was a pressure there that hadn’t been there previously. “Are you sure? You’re more than welcome to.” “Another time.” I smiled. “Saying that,” Harry saved me. “I’m gunna go pack. We’ll set off in ten.” He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before he was bouncing his way upstairs, as energetic as always, and leaving the two of us alone. I got up, approaching her and trying my best not to be nervous. “You look so tense!” She giggled kindly, making me very aware that my efforts were falling flat. “I feel tense!” I admitted. “That’s absolutely ridiculous.” “I know, I know.” I groaned, leaning onto the kitchen counter beside her as she began washing the copious amounts of glasses that had been used the evening before. “I’m sorry.” “I like that you two are figuring things out, despite the delay.” She smiled. “It’s nice to see him looking so… settled with someone. There’ve been a few people he’s liked and introduced us to, but he never seemed… as comfortable as he does with you.” “You serious?” I gawped. “We pick up on these things, us mothers.” “Hm.” I looked downwards, letting out a big swell of air. “Think you might need to have a few words with our Susan then.” My bitter disappointment was loud within my quiet voice, forcing Anne’s once happy face to lower, watching me carefully. “What happened?” She asked quietly, as though nervous of what she could and couldn’t ask me. Anne had a warmth in her tone, whereas my mother’s voice had been cold and hesitant. I wished my mum could see it the way Harry’s was. I wish she could be happy seeing me settled and opening up and finally accepting my feelings rather than shunning them. Anne was making it as clear as she could that she was happy for the two of us, and it would have been amazing to see the same thing from the only family I had. I swallowed thickly before I spoke. “You remember when my dad died?” I was shaking. “I do.” She nodded. “She… She broke down.” I gasped, like the words were released from me rather than spoken. “She just… completely broke down and shut off and… things got easier but I’m not sure she ever fully… I dunno. I’m not sure she ever fully got better, y’know?” “Well, he was a wonderful man.” “I know he was. He was amazing. And I struggled with it too, like… I’m not saying I handled it any better than she did, but… she’s just so cautious about me getting myself into situations where I could get hurt. She hated it when I went to uni. She hates that I don’t live at home. And… this morning I spoke to her about me and Harry and… she came round a little but I can tell she’s not too happy with it. She worries about me all the time and it’s exhausting.” Anne nodded confidently, and I couldn’t gather whether that was because she completely understood my side of things, or if she completely understood my mother’s side of things. Or maybe it was both. “I’ll talk to her about it.” “Anne, you don’t-” “When you moved to university, she came to speak to me about how I coped when Harry flew the nest. We talk to each other about these things, Lulu. I promise I’ll be able to talk a bit of sense into her, and make her open up a bit. I’ve done it before.” I gave her a soft smile, trying to show that I appreciated her efforts even though I wasn’t sure she’d be able to get through to her fully, but that warmth in her voice was infectious, something she’d managed to pass down to Harry too, and I hoped that she could talk some sense into Susan Lambert, because it was long overdue. And I knew if anyone was up for the job, it would be her. “Thank you.” I whispered. “I think you’ll both need this ride to be as easy as it can be.” I nodded, already alarmingly aware that it wasn’t likely things would be easy for us, but hearing other people acknowledging that only a day into our relationship wasn’t really easy. But I knew that mentally, there wasn’t anything that could make me change my mind or turn around and give up at that stage. All that mattered to me, deep down, was me and Harry, and how we were feeling. Everyone else’s thoughts and feelings were just background noise to me. Harry hopped downstairs just a few seconds later, myself and Anne dropping the conversation quickly. She shot me a wink that confirmed to me that our conversation would remain private, and I was very quickly reminded of how wonderful the woman was, and that I should stop worrying. “Ready when you are.” Harry said, with a quick kiss to my cheek.

Part Three

The two of us were in relatively high spirits to say we couldn’t really find a way to cram one another into our schedules for the foreseeable future as we cruised down the motorway. I guess we both knew it would be so common, it probably wasn’t worth getting upset over. That was just how things were going to be. “So what are your plans then?” I quizzed. “Um, well, we’re kinda in the process of deciding the album cover and stuff. Did this really sick shoot the other week and I think we’ll use one of those. We’ve gone with this really cool pink theme.” “Pink?” I squealed excitedly. “Yeah. Kinda reminded me of the colour your cheeks go when I say the right thing.” He smirked, turning to look at me. “IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!” “FUCK OFF!” I cried, slapping away his pointed finger. “Leave me be.” “It’s a brilliant colour. Possibly my favourite.” “Stop!” I shrieked. “Moving on, what are your plans when the single comes out?” “Uhhh… got some pretty hectic… schedules. Just, loads of promo stuff. Gunna be in London to start but then I’ve got a lot happening in the US too, so… Yeah. It’s exciting.” “I’m excited for you! Excited to hear your stuff. Hope it’s not shit.” “Hey!” “Well I do hope it’s not shit! I’m a terrible liar. I wouldn’t know how to bullshit my way through it.” He started nervously tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, biting his bottom lip and shooting me a stare that I couldn’t quite figure out. “Okay, let’s put that to the test.” He nodded, relatively confident. “Look in the glove compartment.” “Huh?” I baffled. “Just look!” He whelped. “There’s a blank CD in there. Get it out.” “Are you serious?” My eyes went wide as it dawned on me. “Deadly.” My eyes remained wide as I reached in front of me and pulled open the compartment, an abundance of unorganised CD cases falling outwards, and one blank CD nestled nicely on the top of them. I held it in my hands like it was the most delicate thing my fingertips had ever had the honour of caressing. “Is this-” “It’s my single.” “Oh my god, no, Harry, I can’t! I’m too nervous.” “You’re too nervous? Are you kidding me? How do you think I feel?” “Oh god. Oh god. Do you really trust me enough for this?” “How many times do I need to tell you that I trust you more than… fucking most people in my life before you believe me?” “Most? But not all? I’m offended.” “WOULD YOU STOP BEING A KNOB AND JUST PUT THE CD IN?” I bit my bottom lip to hold back my giggles as I finally plucked up the courage to insert the blank CD into the spot, nerves punching at my stomach and forcing me to steady my breathing.I'm not too sure why I was so nervous. Harry had kept extremely quiet about his career, for a few reasons. He was scared, for one, I knew that. His career was also one of the main things that had kept us from being together a little sooner, so maybe we avoided talking about it on some level.And then on top of that, he was incredibly private about what it was he was doing. I think only a handful of people knew about what his plans were, in full at least. All I knew was that he had a single coming out, and the film, and that the whole thing terrified him so much that he tried not to think about it too often.To think I was just about to hear something that I knew he'd poured his entire soul into, was putting me on edge. “If you genuinely do hate it,” He shuddered. “Just… humour me. Lie to the best of your ability.” “I don’t wanna lie to you!” “Then I guess you’ll just have to like it!” “WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG TO START?” “THERE’S A GAP IN THE SHIT RECORDING WE’VE GOT! WE’RE TRYING TO MAKE SURE IT’S NOT LEAKED! FOR FUCK SAKE, LULU, JUST WAIT!” So I did. I went completely silent, and still the track didn’t start.I felt like I wasn’t fucking breathing, and it dragged on and on to the point where I thought he might have been joking with me the whole time. And then it happened, these incredibly soft piano keys that I hadn’t been expecting, soaring through the car, haunting me. I ejected the CD almost immediately. We fell back into another short silence before Harry spoke. “Um… I have to say… that’s my worst reaction so far, out of anyone who I’ve let listen to it.” “No no no Harry holy shit no.” I slapped my hands against my mouth, making my jumbled words even less clear than they already were. “I was expecting guitars! I was expecting something heavy like… what the fuck am I about to listen to?” “Will you please just put the fucking CD back in? This is killing me.” I did as I was told, and this time we stayed silent the entire time, waiting that ridiculous amount of time once more before the track started to play again, and I was just as overwhelmed the second time around, like I still wasn’t fully expecting it. I covered my mouth again, physically shaking, and I somehow knew I was going to cry. I was bound to. It was my boyfriend, singing, on his own track. The pianos alone had been enough. His opening line was an instruction to stop crying, and I found myself doing the opposite. It was beautiful. It was so fucking beautiful and visceral and consuming that I couldn’t find the words. I thought I’d end up screaming at him throughout the whole thing, pointing out bits I liked and lyrics I thought were good, notes that he’d hit perfectly, but I couldn’t. I just sat perfectly still, perfectly quiet, streams of tears rolling down my cheeks. When the song started lifting, I felt like my heart was going to burst. All before Harry decided to fucking kill me by singing along. Singing at the top of his lungs, a beautiful rasp in his voice and his jaw so tight he could cut glass, we got to get away, over and over, loud and beautiful and perfect. He sang to it so perfectly it was like the words and the rhythm and the soul of the song had been etched into his being his whole life. Like it was just a part of him. Like it meant everything to him. He sang along beautifully until it ended, as softly as it had begun, and then he turned to look at me, a shy smile on his lips. “So?” “I don’t know what to say.” “Am I naive to think the tears are a good sign?” “Not at all.” I finally moved my hands. “Haz, it’s amazing!” “If you are lying, you’re good at it.” “I promise I’m not lying! It’s beautiful. It’s just… not what I was expecting. At all! I think I’ve just fallen a little bit more in love with you.” Even though he was looking out at the endless road ahead of us, I could see the sparkle in his eyes after I’d said that, and the relief he felt that I’d enjoyed it. Truly. “Good.” He chuckled lightly. “S’about time you catch up, Little Lulu Lamb. Pretty sure I’ve fallen the whole way down.”

Part Four

There was something tender and yet strong in the way that Harry held my hand. Softly, rubbing his thumb over my skin in a marvellously soothing way. And yet his grip was tight, like I couldn’t physically pull my hand from his even if I really tried. It was lovely. We wandered down the hallways of my building, and the second that my door came into sight, I felt a little sick. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. “Thank you for coming home for my… little reveal.” He smiled down to me, my bag slung over his shoulder. “I really appreciate it.” “It was great. Thanks for having me.” “And thanks for asking me out! I appreciate that too.” “Well, don’t bloody make me regret it.” I warned. “I’ll try my best not to.” He sniggered. We stopped outside my front door, Harry quickly dropping my bag down to the floor and then gazing down to me, letting out this huge sigh, like he didn’t really know what to say. I grabbed at his t-shirt, pulling him a little closer to me as I pressed my back to the door. “Stay in touch, okay?” I requested. “Mm. I will. Promise.” “And don’t miss me too much.” “Now that, I can’t promise.” He began to play with my hair. “Always miss you when you’re not around. But… I went six years without seeing you. Think I can… Think I can get through this.” “You weren’t missing me then.” I shook my head. “I was.” He said confidently. I could only look up to him for a second before he’d slammed his lips onto mine, gripping his hands against my jaw and banging his hips so that I was trapped against the door, moaning into his mouth and gripping at his sides. “Lulu, I need you.” He grunted, lips still lavishing mine. “If you don’t open this door and let us in, right now, I’m gunna bend you over in this fucking hallway and-” The sound of a door opening down the corridor forced him to pull his lips fully away from mine and put hand his head down instantly, the two of us distancing, but once again it was almost impossible to look innocent. We were a little dishevelled. Thankfully, Harry’s back was turned to my nosy neighbour as I watched him eye us up suspiciously whilst he locked his door, shooting me an awkward smile before he left, leaving the two of us to gather ourselves. I straightened my hair a little, reaching down to my bag and finding my keys. “I kinda wanted to make you wait.” I had been totally unaware of how breathless I was until I spoke. “Kinda wanted to test you a little.” “I hate that idea.” “I thought you might.” “You still wanna go through with it?” “I’m thinking about it.” I had kind of loved the idea of us entering a stage in our relationship where sex wasn’t really involved. We’d started that way. There had been a while where we pretended that was all we were, there for sex and nothing else. I’d had this ridiculous idea that we could at least try to hold off it for a while, prove to myself that things were different now. It wasn’t so easy to stick to that plan when he looked at me the way he was doing then, like he wanted to consume me in every single way he could. He knew exactly how to make me weak, and flustered, and it seemed like he’d known it from the first time he appeared at my door, still covered in dirt from shooting the film and etching this achingly gorgeous smirk across his lips. He fucking knew how to do it then, and his knowledge had only grown over time. I opened the door and went inside, turning around to look at him. So much had changed, and at the same time, everything felt the same. “I’m not gunna force you to do anything.” He swallowed. “But… I’ll fucking beg if I have to.” I tried to restrain my smile, biting at my bottom lip and seeing the look on his face, and he was deadly serious. “Okay.” I nodded. “Beg me.” “Let me in.” He began immediately, like he knew I was going to make him beg. “I’m desperate to feel you again. I feel like I’ve been starved of you over the past few months. I’m fucking… obsessed with your mind, but your body… that little freckle beside your bellybutton… the way you feel when I’m inside you. I’m craving it. I wanna remember every single inch of you. I’m begging you to let me in. I’m begging you to let me fuck you.” It was no surprise that I couldn’t find the words to reply to him, because I didn’t have the same equilibrium as Harry did. The only thing I could do was grab at the hem of my dress, and lift it swiftly up and over my head. By the time the material was off my body, and I could see him again, the smug little grin on his face only made me more eager for what was coming. He stormed inside and slammed the door shut, throwing himself at me, and we fell backwards, uncomfortably onto my sofa, his hand scraping up my body and then grasping at my breast, shuffling slightly so that we could find some kind of comfort in the position we’d landed. Everything felt so rushed, so in the moment and hot as Harry reached his hand down, unbuckling his belt with little to no effort, still kissing me as he sorted himself out, pulling down his pants as soon as he could, and only to the exact amount he needed to do what he wanted. It was only seconds later that he rushed to push my underwear to the side, and jolt his hips forward with a hard thud, and then he was inside me, my neck snapping back and curse words falling out of me. It felt like fucking years since I’d been with him that way. I’d almost forgotten how good he felt. His body seemed to shiver from head to toe as he pulsed a little further into me and pushed up on the sofa, letting out a throaty moan as he did, lips so plump it felt as though they were wasted when they weren’t exploring my skin. “Kiss me.” I gasped. “Look who’s begging now.” He continued to get cockier. “Just fucking kiss me, Styles.” He licked his lips before moving his mouth back to mine and bucking his hips up to my body, the harsh jolt sending bolts of bliss spiralling through me like lighting. He tugged harshly on my hair so that my neck was more revealed to him as he lowered his lips down over my jaw and then kissing from my collarbone upwards, thrusting into me beautifully, and then beginning to bite at my neck. His body was heavy on mine, hands harsh against my body, obviously eager and desperate. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved how sexual he was, like when we were together that way, nothing else mattered other than the two of us, how we felt when we were together, the way our bodies worked together like they were made me meet. I knew there would probably come a time where we would be tender with one another. I could tell in the way he kissed me. Touched me. Looked at me. I could even tell from the time that he’d gotten his cuffs and his collar. He had this incredibly tender and vulnerable side to him when it came to sex, it just wasn’t something he revealed too often. I wanted to experience every single side of him. I hoped I would, no matter how rare our meetings would be. “Love it when I fuck you like this, don’t you, Baby?” He moved his lips back up to my ear before he spoke, his short fingernails digging into the top of my leg. “M’always so hard for you.” “H-Harry… fuck-” “Put your hands round my throat.” “Fuck, what?” He lifted his body again, still driving into me, the muscles in his arms tense as he hovered his body over mine, biting his lip and moving so quickly I could literally feel my body getting weaker, all that happening whilst I was still trying to wrap my head around what he’d just asked me to do. “Lulu, put your hands round my throat. C’mon. Please.” “Fuck. Fuck.” I slowly started raising my hands upwards, clasping the two of them around his neck as gently as I physically could even though I knew that wasn’t what he wanted. I just felt a little overwhelmed in that moment, not necessarily surprised, just overwhelmed. His bite on his bottom lip intensified, and with it, I let my hands tighten, and the noise that came from within his throat, vibrating so much that I could feel his pleasure in the palm of my hand, proved I was finally holding hard enough. He somehow started pushing even harder into me, his eyes gripped shut so tightly that his laughter lines creased the skin beside his eyes, his dimples digging into his cheeks he was biting down so hard. Passion and pleasure appeared bright red across his skin, random blotches of the beautiful colour introducing itself to him, and I knew he was on the edge. All I had to do was lick my lips and grip that little bit tighter, and he came, letting out this high pitched, hoarse noise. I loved that it was obvious how desperate he’d been for us to fuck just in the short amount of time he’d managed to last. I knew he wouldn’t have the strength to keep his body upright, so when he dropped, his body landing on top of mine with an endearing thud, my hands went from being around his throat, to my arms being around his body, cuddling him. I loved that we could go from one extreme to other in literally seconds. I kissed his cheek over and over again as he calmed down, becoming limp inside of me. “You’re a dirty fucker.” I eventually giggled before kissing him again. “Fuck, I know.” He groaned, turning his head so that my lips would catch his. “Please still love me.” “I kinda love it.” I stroked my fingers through his hair. “You bring out… this side of me I didn’t know I had.” The tiniest smile introduced itself to his lips, somewhere between flattered and relieved. “I fucking love you.” He spoke with zeal. “Harry-” “No, Lulu, I mean. I’m not falling! That part’s over!” He lifted as much as his weak body would allow, looking down to me. “I’ve been… falling in love with you since I was thirteen years old. I love you. I’m in love with you.” There was a huge lump in my throat as I looked up to him, and again it was like I needed more time to process what he’d said to me than he was allowing. It was different to him saying he was falling. That had felt hopeful. When he’d said that, it had felt like it was just the beginning of something, like maybe one day he’d love me fully. It had come around much quicker than I’d thought it would. And what scared me the most was that it wasn’t just his words that felt a little pre-emptive, but it was how I felt. Because I felt exactly the same way. It was probably hard for him to see that, since I hadn’t said a word. “Lulu?” “You’re in love with me?” “Madly.” He nodded, and I was quiet again. “You don’t have to say-” “I love you too.” I spat out, quivering. “Yeah?” Fuck, the smile on his face was perfect. “Yeah, I… Yeah. I love you. I fucking love you.” I trembled, and he kissed me again, to soothe the shakes.

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

Thoughts from my recent LOST re-watch

There is absolutely no coherence to this, so please forgive me. It’s just a very long list of all of the random thoughts I’ve had throughout my re-watch of LOST about my opinions on characters, ships, plot lines etc. and how they’ve changed or stayed the same. Feel free to send me an ask if you want me to expand on any of these points. 

Season 1 is perfection. Literal perfection. I can’t find a single criticism for it. The mystery, the suspense, the anticipation, the characterisation, the plot, the build-up. Just everything. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch it, it’s still so impactful and the pilot is one of the best pilots of any show I’ve ever seen

It’s still so funny that all of the characters so happen to have the perfect combination of skills to survive - Jack the Doctor, Locke the Hunter, Sayid the Soldier and Kate the Tracker

I always knew it anyway, but the Jack/Kate/Sawyer triangle really is awful. And the fact that they (attempted) to bring Ana Lucia into it and then actually did bring Juliet in to make it a love square is even worse. 

Jack and Juliet actually kind of make sense as a romantic pairing and have good chemistry (but Suliet still rule all) 

Kate is the worst character on the show. I’m sorry, I’ve tried to like her but I never have. She doesn’t undergo any development until around the time she gets Aaron in season 5 - she kills her father in cold blood and justifies it by saying he was a violent drunk (hello, there’s nothing that can justify murder with maybe the exception of self defence), she then goes on the run where she constantly lies, schemes and manipulates to get what she wants, which ultimately leads to her best friend getting killed in the crossfire. From the second she lands on the island she consistently plays Sawyer and Jack off one another by taking advantage of their feelings for her without any consideration to how that impacts them 

John Locke is an asshole a majority of the time and I really don’t like him (this doesn’t include pre-island and flash-sideways John, who’s a sweetheart) 

Charlie Pace is also an asshole and I don’t know how I didn’t see this sooner

I’ll never be over Boone’s death or the fact that he died for nothing because of Locke

Walt getting taken from the raft is still one of the most shocking and haunting moments of the series

Hugo Reyes is the definition of cinnamon roll, I love him with every fibre of my being and LOST wouldn’t be what is is without him

Kate treats Sawyer like shit from the beginning and he deserves so much better. I’m not gonna lie, I still don’t understand how or why Sawyer falls in love with her

Also what is that bullshit with them having sex in the cage? I know it’s supposed to be this hot-we-could-die-at-any-moment raw sex but it just comes across as very weird?? Even if they don’t know there’s cameras on them, they’re outside in the open where anybody could see them at any time

Shannon is a very misunderstood character who deserved better. So. much. better.

I still hate Ben, but he’s one of the best written villains in television I’ve ever seen

Charlie/Claire is the worst romance in the world. They have no chemistry, Charlie develops an obsession with her and practically stalks her, forces her to do what he wants her to do, constantly tries to take over with Aaron despite having absolutely no right to. There is just nothing even remotely redeeming about this ship and I still don’t get it

Locke’s musical theme makes me cry every single time 

And following on from that, as much as I dislike Locke, his flashbacks always make me cry. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do, ever!”, when he gets in the wheelchair in the hospital after his father has pushed him out of the window and when he cries in the car after his father tells him he’s not wanted. It’s heartbreaking��

I still can’t get over all the amazing character connections - Charlie saving Nadia, Sayid meeting Kate’s father and Kelvin during the war, Jack meeting Desmond before the island, Christian being Claire’s father, Christian and Ana Lucia going to Australia together, Sawyer meeting Christian in the bar etc. - it’s all so beautifully done in a way that feels authentic and links the characters (even the ones with more superficial ties) together so well

Michael is not a bad person and is unfairly hated. He’s just a father that did what any parent would do to keep their child safe 

Hurley and Libby are sweet but severely underdeveloped

I actually really dig the episode about Paulo and Nikki

Eko has such a touching and emotional arc, which although short, is very well rounded

The Other 48 Days is still one of the most chilling episodes of the series

It’s sad that the Tailies were all killed off so prematurely, I feel like they all had potential to be more

Jin’s development is so unappreciated. He’s probably the character that goes through the most amount of growth from the pilot to the finale

I know I should feel sorry for Claire (and part of me does), but I still find her too annoying to feel anything but dislike for her

Desmond and Penny’s love story is freakin’ beautiful and nothing can compare

Also how cute are Rose and Bernard? I’ve come to appreciate their relationship so much. They’re literally just two people who love each other in the purest way and want to be together. It’s so beautiful

Sayid is one of the best characters on the show and my love for him has been reaffirmed 

I understand the appeal of Sayid and Shannon but Nadia was Sayid’s soul mate and no one can tell me otherwise

Jack is probably the most unstable character on the show but it’s never acknowledged

Am I the only one that notices that Charlie flat-out lies about not being able to swim? In season 1 when Joanna is drowning Charlie tells Jack he can’t go in to help her because he can’t swim, but he consistently dreams about swimming to save Aaron, Desmond has a vision of him saving Claire from drowning and in season 2 he flat out tells everyone he’s swimming junior champion and swims down to the Looking Glass. Is this Charlie being a liar or simply a fault of the writers, I wonder? 

The episode where Sawyer, Jin and Hurley fix up the Dharma car still makes me so happy

Sun and Jin’s relationship is one of the best developed fictional ships I’ve ever seen. It’s so rare that we actually get to see a married couple who are on the verge of breaking up actually love each other enough to work their asses off to make it work and end up being happier and more in love with each other more than ever before

The Others are still absolutely terrifying in seasons 1 and 2 before we find out who they are

Charlie and Hurley’s friendship is overrated 

Adding to that some underrated dynamics are - Sayid and Desmond (in The Constant Sayid blindly does everything in his power to help Desmond despite not understanding what the hell is going on with him), Kate and Sayid, Hurley and Sayid, Michael, Sawyer and Jin, Shannon and Walt, Boone and Shannon, Eko and Ana.

Jack is by far the most flawed protagonist I’ve seen in any show

I’m intrigued to know what direction Ana Lucia’s character would’ve gone in if she’d survived

The musical themes are still the best of any show I’ve ever seen. I love that each character has their own theme which perfectly encapsulates them

The way that everyone just forgets about Claire after she goes missing and don’t even attempt to find her is so bad. Particularly when you consider the fact that whenever anyone else has gone missing or were kidnapped - Jack, Kate, Michael, Hurley - they’ve gone on a rescue mission immediately 

I’ve always been indifferent to Sun but I realise now that I don’t like her. She’s very hard to connect with and in the last seasons she becomes completely irrelevant and has no personality what-so-ever

Jack reacts so coldly to finding out that Claire is his sister. Like he finds out, he’s shocked, has tears in his eyes but nothing changes in how he behaves and thinks about Claire and Aaron, which makes no sense (but I’m glad we got to see this explored in the Flash Sideways)

Danielle and Alex Rousseau deserved better. So much better

All these people that accuse the show of having an abundance of plot-holes just aren’t paying attention or want everything to be spoon fed to them. There’s actually only about 1 or 2 inconsistencies big enough to be considered a plot-hole (the main one being that Danielle actually sees Ben face-to-face when he kidnaps Alex, but later on doesn’t recognise him when she captures him in a net) and everything is tied together perfectly

I didn’t realise before but season 5 is actually a pretty bad season. The most redeeming aspect is Suliet

Did anyone else notice that Naveen’s (Sayid) accent regresses into his own English accent in season 5 and 6? 

I actually hate the entire concept of Jacob and the MIB and what was done with them

Jack really does become Locke in seasons 5 and 6 

Following on from that, I really can’t blame Sawyer for wanting to murder Jack in season 5/6. He saunters back onto the island like he’s King of the Island thinking he’s some hero who’s going to save everyone he left behind whilst also fixing himself without any consideration to the repercussions. He completely destroys the life Sawyer and Juliet have spent 3 damn years building which results in a lot of people dying, including Juliet and he doesn’t even really seem that aware of how badly he’s fucked up 

We were robbed of a Frank Lapidus centric episode and flashbacks. Robbed, I tell you

I love Jack and Kate as a ship, but when they get back to the island in season 5 they’re very OOC (which is a writing problem imo). Kate wanders off and leaves Jack behind all the time and they don’t really stick together which is just not like Jack and Kate at all. No matter what they always stick together 

Sawyer’s character development is amazing. I love him so much 

The Temple is dumb. The concept of it, the people we’re introduced to - everything. It should’ve just been scrapped 

I also don’t understand what the hell happens to Sayid when he’s drowned in The Temple???? It’s so random and inconsistent, it makes no sense

I still love the concept of the Flash Sideways and don’t understand how people can hate on it or claim it doesn’t matter. It’s so important in so many ways 

But I still don’t quite understand why Jack and Juliet have a son in the Flash Sideways? I understand why Jack has a son, because it makes sense for him to work out his ‘daddy issues’, but I don’t understand why Juliet is the mother and what the significance is of that

We really should’ve got more Desmond centric episodes

The Constant is still one of the best episodes of television ever made

The older I get the more I understand and appreciate the religious and theological meanings of the show

I still don’t understand how or why Hurley starts being able to see ghosts. Like that ability just comes out of no where with little to no explanation 

It also gets very confusing trying to distinguish between literal ghosts and when the MIB has taken on a dead person’s form

I understand now that one of the many reasons LOST speaks to me on a personal level, and always has, is that I too have felt lost (both metaphorically and literally) throughout my life and I’m able to connect to every character on that basis regardless of whether I like them or not

The characterisation on this show is still second to none. The way each character has distinct lives that are fully fleshed out by flashbacks and that we get to understand every intimate detail about them - the worst thing they’ve ever done, their happiest moment, their greatest fear, the person they love most - I’m yet to find another show that writes its characters in such a complex and fulfilling way

I will always love the show and stand by it being one of the best shows ever, but as the seasons progress it does decline in quality, especially seasons 5 and 6 

The finale is still perfect though. I cry like a baby every single time - the church, the way Jack cries in his dad’s arms, it’s just too much

[lollydrag0n]

CASTIEL AND HIS SACRED OATH - 12x10, 12x12, 12x23

This scene here. This split second glance is so so important. I don’t know why people aren’t talking about it (I couldn’t even find any gifs of it and had to take pictures coz I’m computerly incompitent). But I wanted to give my own analytical response to this millisecond glance, because I think it demonstrates properly why Cas has never done anything about his feelings for Dean. 

First, some context from my behalf: I always assumed Cas had never admitted his love for Dean for one of two reasons, 1) he was an angel, therefore not quite understanding his feelings himself - perhaps confusing them with familial love, Dean style. Or 2) he was afraid his love may not be reciprocated. But after watching 12x10, 12x12 and 12x23, I can thoroughly rule out reason 1. 

Now, I’ll be talking a lot about 12x10 as that ENTIRE EPISODE and THIS LOOK are so closely correlated. 

Okay, so 12x10 (Lily Sanders Has Some Regrets). I’m sure you’re all familiar with this episode as it gave us some truly awesome Destiel moments as well as fem!cas. Now my initial reading of this episode (as well as many others, I’m sure) was that this was a detailed explanation as to why Cas hasn’t opened up about his feelings. The reason to this: God. Yes, Chuck, I’m looking at you, you huge cock-blocking celestial dork. You are the reason Cas is so fearful and closed-off. 

Lets delve into this episode a little bit for those who need a refresher: Ishim (an angel of the lord™) falls in love with a human and convinces Heaven a nephilim has been born, all so he and his squad can dispose of this child and the angel who stole the love of his life. Just to hurt Lily and free himself from the pain of rejection. 

I was somewhat surprised with this episode (because hot damn! The symbolism and themes are just SO BLATANT), but mainly by Cas. He seemed so concerned and disgruntled with Akabel who (supposedly) fathered a nephilim and fell in love with a human. Previously (in 12x08) he refers to this as an “abomination” (a word that prompts us to think of another so called “abomination”). Cas sounded quite just damning Akabel, explaining he “broke our [Heaven/God] most sacred oath.” This is important. 

This surprised me, and it felt wrong. Here’s why:

He was a soldier and angry at Akabel for laying with a human, falling in love with her, and birthing a nephilim… But, like… Isn’t this exactly what he’s done with Dean? (maybe not the nephilim part, but you get my point). If we’re to believe that for all these years Cas has had a huge crush on Dean “Humanity” Winchester (which he has), why then is he so stoic and cold when another angel does the same? Obviously this was many years ago when he was still a loyal servant of Heaven, and you can argue that that’s all it is - however - during this episode, Cas still seems uncomfortable with the whole angel/human relationship concept. It came off as very hypocritical, and that’s why it felt wrong. 

Now, it was one thing for Cas to act this way hundreds of years ago - before Heaven lost its controlling iron grip, before he fell, and before he met Dean. But Cas still appears justified with this “abomination” ruling. As he, Dean, Sam, and Ishim sit inside that church (the home of God), discussing the situation, Cas has nothing to say in regards to Akabel. He doesn’t seemed phased about getting him killed and only appears to offer a hint of remorse in conjunction with the child, calling it “horrific, but necessary.” 

After watching this episode I came to some pretty amazing conclusions and realised I was wrong about a few things. Cas wasn’t unsure of his feelings for Dean - he was ashamed by them. Much like I believe Dean is surrounding his sexuality. So now we have both Cas and Dean seeing their feelings as ‘wrong’ in some way. With Dean it’s in regards to his own perception of masculinity. And with Cas its believing his father sees human/angel relationships as “abominations” (this is often explained through the nephilim narrative). This makes Cas’s views way more intense in my opinion. He wouldn’t just be defying himself if he admitted his feeling, he’d be defying God himself - his father. He sees Chuck as believing angels and humans should not be together romantically. And I mean, when your father - the literal creator of everything - says something is wrong, you may feel inclined to obay.     

I also believe this is a parallel to Dean/John - mirroring their early relationship. The reason Dean isn’t comfortable admitting his bisexuality and subsequent love for Cas, most likely stems from his relationship with his dad and his upbringing. John never let him be a kid, never let him play around and shoved masculine behavior so far down his throat that he became frightened to do anything outside these teachings. Which most likely included homosexuality, as he grew up in a time where this subject was often stereotyped with femininity and weakness. John’s word was law in Dean’s world. And we’re only now starting to see him break free and come to terms with who he is. 

Doesn’t this sound a lot like Cas and Chuck? God created humanity and with that came rules - God’s law. One of which being “so like, all my angel children, don’t go around sleeping with my humans, that ain’t cool. Just don’t - in fact, its an abomination.” We know Cas isn’t one for following rules and has certainly distanced himself from Heaven in recent years, however, he is still an angel, and despite falling, he is still loyal. He cares for his brothers and sisters, even when they’re pieces of shit to him (*cough* Ishim *cough*). He is still seen helping heaven and other angels even though they may hate him. Because he remains loyal to them to an extent. This is why he still follows their most sacred oath. 

I’ll break down very basically the two rules Dean and Cas are currently controlled by, thanks to their fathers. 

Dean: “Man shall not lay with man. It is an abomination.”

Cas: “Angel shall not lay with humanity. It is an abomination.”

I believe this is the simplest way to put our two boy’s dilemmas. And although Dean isn’t exactly religious in a lot of aspects, this is the basic outline for their fears (as well as Dean’s being “can’t be seen as weak, can’t be seen as girly”).

Some of you may say (just like I did while writing this): “What about April? Cas had no qualms sleeping with her and he thought she was human, so waddup?” April, as you may recall, was that piece of crap that slept with Cas and stabbed him the chest before Dean rightfully kicked her ass. Well you’re right. When Cas slept with her, he did in fact think she was human (and not a reaper like we later find out). But don’t forget Cas was also human during this moment. Metatron had stolen his grace. If he really feels being with a human (love or sex) is as bad as I think he thinks it is, he must have convinced himself of that fact. “She’s human, I’m human - this is fiiiiiine.” You can even see the confused and conflicting fear skim across his face as he kisses her. 

I’d also like to point out that this episode is literally called “I’m No Angel” with Cas repeating this line after they have sex.

 Next up, we have Daphne (also human and practically the female equivalent of Dean), who was his wife for the briefest of moments during 7x17. But again, Cas wasn’t himself, he had amnesia, thought he too was human, and therefore saw no wrong in this. Other than these two examples, I don’t believe Cas has ever had another human love interest (excluding Dean, obviously) in all of the 9 years we’ve known him, which is a hell of a long time. So I think its safe to assume that Cas (when he’s fully sound of mind and all graced-up) believes it is wrong to be with a human. 

So, to recap: 

Cas loved Dean and is fully aware of this.

Sees human/angel relationships as wrong (thanks to the rules of Heaven and Chuck which are hard-wired into his brain).

Hasn’t done anything about his feeling because he is AFRAID (of Dean’s response) and ASHAMED (of what God would think).

Has only been with Humans when he is human, or thinks he’s human.

Okay, now its finally time to get back to those first three stills (thank god, you must be saying). Here is the scene that plays out directly before the glance:

This is then where we’re presented with that half-a-second glance at Dean from Cas. Pay close attention to what Luci says here and when it cuts to Cas. Directly after: “We can’t, daddy’s watching.” 

LOOK AT HIS FACE! Note how the frame LINGERS ON DEAN AS CAS FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND! LIKE!!???!?! I see no other reason for this exchange unless it is specifically related to something Lucifer is saying. The only other explanation I can think of is perhaps Cas is worried about Dean because Satan is mocking Sam and clearly not bothered by the threat of God, and he knows how Dean could get aggravated by this, but that’s stretching it. No, what we have here is Cas connecting to something Lucifer is saying. Its reminding him of his own fears. Namely, “Dean and I can never be together because daddy is always watching, and he would hate me. I can’t break my oath.”  

BOOM! There it is - the moment that made me sure of why Cas has never opened up to Dean and why he couldn’t keep eye contact during his group love confession. Because he is ASHAMED AND SCARED. I didn’t notice this glance my first watch through, but when I did the second time, HOLY SHT. This just drove home suspicions I had after watching 12x10 that Cas is fearful of his emotions and worried about how his father would react to them - even if it may be subconsciously.

I may be slow to this realisation, but I really wanted to bring up this scene in 12x23 as I don’t think anyone’s mentioned it. I just hope we get more of this, more of Cas confronting his feelings and dealing with why he hides them. Maybe we could even see him disregard his fears and start to accept himself and become less closed-off, like we’ve been seeing Dean do in the last two seasons. 

Anyway, that’s all I have. Thank you to anyone that read all the way through. 

EDIT: I wrote this before Season 13 came out and I feel compelled to mention Cas’s depression/empty!cas scene in 13x04. This entire post was about me believing Cas was ashamed of his love because he thought God would judge him (even if that may be wrong from what we - the audience - know of Chuck, but Cas certainly believes it - maybe subconsciously). This episode just further solidified my analysis with the whole “I know who you love, what you fear” line. 

Empty!cas is most Definitely referring to a secret feeling Cas harbors for someone (yes, singular) for which he feels shame. This is just more proof (fool proof proof that’s finally being rammed down the antis throats) that Cas is in love with Dean and thinks what he feels for him specifically is wrong and something he should be ASHAMED of. I am so happy with my reading after seeing this episode and empty!cas spelling out all my beliefs in the most obvious way that SPN could possibly present. I even appreciate empty!cas kicking Cas while he’s down by pretty much saying “I know what you hate (yourself, your emotions, why you are the way you are), who you love (Dean), what you fear (him not loving you back, and the ramifications you would face if you ever did anything about it)”. 

Beautiful. This episode was just beautiful. I could not have wished for anything more. LollyDragon out.

@tinkdw @olympiahell @postmodernmulticoloredcloak @elizabethrobertajones I’m interested in your guy’s response, if ya’ll have the time

[360degreesasthecrowflies]

FarscapeWatch 04: 2.03 ‘Taking the Stone’

We’re back in business, people! Apologies for the long wait, but into season 2 we go for this reaction/review! See notes at the bottom for a full list of my FasrcapeWatch reactions so far :D

2.03 Taking The Stone

Open on Chiana (bestfave) IS THIS A CHIANA EPISODE?

No kidding I ship Chiana and John a lot. I feel it's probably unlikely to happen but ohmy they bring out the best in each other.

He calls her "Chi" uwu!

Uh she literally cut herself open because he said he was busy wow. Crichton is a twat.

Ooh she stole Aeryn's ship and Aeryn is PISSED. I love how she and Chiana just don't get on. Drama is the best.

So Chiana goes down to a planet by herself to investigate. Aaand she gets ambushed. Hmm but I'm not sure I buy her not taking a weapon. Altho. She is also impulsive and id-ruled.

AAAH into the episode and John and Aeryn are in THE LONG COATS.

Rygel is also there lol and John and Aeryn give no shits.

Ofc they're going to go look for Chi although Aeryn cannot b a with that.

So they run in thinking Chiana is held captive but actually she's doing some kind of sport test of strength lol. Her hair is pink now and looks A MAZING. Aeryn is so aggressive off the bat lol I love it.

Hm so. First time back seeing John and Aeryn's S2 dynamic and once again...he's not asking things of her, he's giving her commands, and I'm not super comfortable with it. It feels a bit imperialist. e.g. here John feels Chiana is mad at him so he tells Aeryn to talk to her to try and bring her back, even though Chiana has said she doesn't want to go back with them, and Aeryn and Chiana already evidently don't really get on or see eye to eye. That's a bit much from someone who's meant to be the emotionally intelligent core of the crew.

So Rygel has fucked off and left JohnAeryn and Chiana on the planet..which seems like a funeral/cemetery, or at least it is where they’ve landed. Thematic, hm. He's robbed some graves too, as you do.

So Aeryn catches up with Chiana, naturally we’re all underground, hmm, with death as a theme, I wonder if this is going to mirror a death-and-rebirth story, and Chiana asks her to stay! Ah I love how impulsive and nutty she is. Also needy. Possibly actually damaged. This character speaks to me so much. Hah. Aeryn responds a bit like Supernanny just going along with it to let the child wear themself out.

[A note on taking the stone - it’s a jump into a deep pit, using the power of faith/science/a technological trick to save your own life in a parachute before you hit the bottom. The society on this planet do it when they reach a certain age as a coming of age ritual, and Chiana has changed her style to look like them, and is learning to do it too (with the help of mind-altering drugs and mediation, colege much?), either as a test to herself, or as a maybe-suicide/danger/devil-may-care exercise, as she has just lost her brother, that was her realisation that John had no time for in the beginning of the episode.]

So we're on a bit, and hmm. I'm getting a parents and kids vibe with this episode. I genuinely can't tell though who we're supposed to root for. John is central, but is it John-was-right-Father-knows-best, or will it be John-has-to-learn-different-POVs? I'm hoping the latter, but I'm wary, Farscape has pulled the rug out from under me before. Aeryn has argued that if Chiana wishes to stay in this new society, it's her choice; to me, that's reasonable, but is the show framing it as something only an alien woman who doesn't understand how Rational People work would think? Hmm. I wish Zhaan was here, she's a character who generally can overrule John instead of being pushed to the back by him as Aeryn and Chiana sometimes fall into; ironic, of course, as they are physically strong, martial women. Chiana too has brought up her captivity trauma and that John said she could leave at any time and now appears to be reneging on that, and that's portrayed as the sneaky, silly young character trying to trick and twist the words of Our Reasonable Hero. I'm wondering if it's just a values dissonance between '99 and 2017.

Cool plot though. A suicide cult where people get high and risk their lives rather than die at 22, as they do, starting to waste away and rot while still living due to radiation in their natural habitat; perhaps a bit of a drug 101 afterschool special vibe to it, but executed well and with great sets. Interesting to see plots shifting to focus on the three humanoids too, I wonder if this will become a trend this season. D'Argo, Rygel, Pilot and Zhaan really don't have a lot to do this time round, although I guess they all had significant focus in the previous episode while Aeryn and 'Chi' were somewhat neglected.

Ultimately of course Chiana is successful and comes out gaining a new lease on life. John has gained some perspective, though it’s unclear if he actually understood Chiana’s POV or not, and the three stooges up in the ship managed to convince Rygel to give back the treasure he stole. Uh...great, I guess? Solid episode in general though, production values feel to be up, Chiana’s new design and in fact most of them are pretty solid - and throwback, watching in 2017 - and the interplay between the actors and characters seems more fitting than it was in the first season. Ace.

Some general points: John is starting to become a little more convincing as a lead again, among stronger personalities. This was most convincing in 1.16 A Human Reaction and the last four-episode arc of season 1, and at brief points earlier in that season, but it's been very iffy. I'm unsure, because I don't know the writing/writers so well yet, whether that's intentional, or just a sign of the times on writing focus. I don't feel, that is, that the kind of character that John is would be *the* obvious focal character if the show was made from scratch and debuted in 2016-17 - it's a bit as if, say, Agents of Shield had debuted as a show centered around and focused on Fitz rather than how they actually did it. Still, in any case, it's interesting to see the evolution of character.

Some brief points from season 1-2, as this will be my first comeback reaction I'm posting in the new order: A Human Reaction, Durka Returns, and Nerve were my big turning points as to how I was reacting to the series. Introducing Chiana was a big plus; instantly becoming one of my top 2 favourite characters, and immediately coming up with ways to make her central - even at the apparent expense of fan fave and seeded lead woman Aeryn! - was a brave and risky strategy on the part of the showrunners that I was pretty impressed by. Again to analogize to shows I've also seen, it was as if upon first introducing Faith to Buffy season 3, they pushed Willow back from the off in favour of focusing on her and what she could do. She fits neatly into the credits, too, here's hoping she sticks around for a long time.

D'Argo has gone up in my estimations, actually, all the characters have. They'd probably at least average on a 5-6 out of ten now, which is a big step up from the 2-3 D'Argo and Rygel were on earlier in season 1.

Things I don't like as much: the Talyn (sp?) and Crais stuff feels a bit Xena and a bit overdone, though that could be a case of the Seinfeld is Unfunny trope (side note, I actually have never found that show funny tho...awks), that is, aspects of a show seeming unoriginal now because since it aired - or even debuted - such elements, they've become much more common as to seem stereotypical and tired in many forms of media. I don't like the Crais/Aeryn ship teasing, especially in light of the recent Hollywood developments, it seems a little close to the bone and aggressive, one-sided, and presumptive of Crais. Presumably he's going to reform and win me over, but I'm not on team Crais right now. I'm also slightly alarmed at where Zhaan's character arc seems to be going, though unsurprised that she had to be nerfed, she was pretty great at everything in season 1, with even her shades of not quite sanity proving to be an advantage in some situations. Also, I'm unsure if it's intentional or symbolic, but her new costume is hella ugly.

Right, those aside, recap time then!

CHARACTER BEATS

JOHN

Lots of stuff here. For John this episode is a lot about leadership and personal connection. John must learn that one leadership style does not work for all - not that I would even say this John IS the leader, although he's the show's designated lead and does TAKE the lead. I'm not 100% on whether we're meant to root for John or not. This episode sees him acting somewhat parental towards Chiana which I - and she, probably - find a bit patronising given that as far as has been established thus far, they're both adults of a similar age. For me, this episode is John learning socialisation and how people of different kinds tick, as well as that sometimes you just can't win people over or bend them to your will - quite a good lesson to see our white male lead learning.

CHIANA

Lots of stuff in this one for Chiana too, which is good, it is a Chiana episode after all. A few early notes on Chi - easily my favourite character right now, being exactly the kind I root for in general. I love a wildcard, and Chiana thus far has been about the definition of a chaotic neutral, with occasional shades of broken bird thrown in, hinting at a traumatic past to make her become this way. Or she could just not be neurotypical, or just an alien, who knows. Now, I definitely didn't think Chiana wanted to kill herself in this episode as it was hinted at and discussed by some of the characters, she just didn't care, she was a risk-taker and upset and traumatised. It's slight, but there's a difference. Chiana realises in this episode her brother has died and reacts by acting out and essentially going on a bender with drugs, getting high, and essentially changing her whole style and motivations, culminating with a risky athletic feat that could kill her if she failed. Aka, textbook response to trauma by certain extroverted and already risk-taking individuals. It was great to see, and also unexpectedly positive to see Aeryn sticking up for her - of course, just using cold logic, rather than emotions - and Chiana, too, showing willing to make a connection with Aeryn, after generally the two being mutually hostile these last few episodes so far. Great stuff.

ZHAAN

Zhaan's a little quiet on this one, still inside herself a bit, or trolling? She seems more content to let a snarky, bitchy side out this time round - perhaps due to a season of people generally not taking her advice and then winding up in the shit.

D'ARGO

D'Argo really doesn't do much here, slipping back to season 1 characterization a bit. I'll give him a pass, as he's perhaps recuperating from the previous episode's traumatic experiences.

RYGEL

Rygel really doesn't have a lot to do here. Stealing is wrong, and he likes eating bugs. I wonder if this subplot was shoehorned in at a late stage because the actors complained, or something else fell through? On the plus side, it leaves main focus unequivocally on the Chiana storyline.

AERYN

A good storyline for Aeryn too, she gets to be athletic with a mini fight scene, she gets to be the voice of reason, and she also makes a mini connection with Chiana, after a while of the two sniping at each other. She and John also work well as friends, comrades - just as a two, not as part of a larger unit - and maybe something more? This episode has shades of a buddy-cop drama with John and Aeryn as detective partners, as well as hints of them being dysfunctional parents to an acting-out and rebellious kid. Aeryn is moving to be more central in this season, and I'm intrigued to see what comes of that change.

PLOT POINTS AS OF 2.03

A little confusing. Everyone is dealing with their own trauma while still running away from the Peacekeepers, led by new creepy (telepathic?) baddie Scorpius. We've had a D'Argo episode so far and a Chiana episode, so perhaps everyone is up to have solo episodes for a while to get this season established? Not much hint of an overarching plot yet which is nicely lampshaded by Chiana in-episode when she asks Crichton what they're even doing up there on Moya - smooth. This feels a little like a re-pilot, repositioning who the characters are and how they relate to each other.

WHAT THIS EPISODE ADVANCED:

Chiana's trauma. Chiana's character development. Chiana's relationships with John and with Aeryn. Aeryn and John's relationship. Aeryn and John's norms, ethics, and approaches to problem solving differing. John revealing himself to have a reckless side, which seems role reversal from earlier in season 1 wherein John was cautious and reserved and Aeryn cold but quick to use violence and inflicting her will as a quick-fix solution.

CHARACTER RANKING AS OF 2.03:

1) Chiana 2) Aeryn 3) John 4) Zhaan 5) D'Argo 6) Rygel 7) Pilot 8) Crais

And that’s it for this episode of FarscapeWatch! Check back in my Farscape reviews masterlist section on my blog or follow my farscapewatch tag to catch my episode reviews, as they come! Or feel free to give me a follow to catch all of my stuff ;)

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