#i say ‘as ppl learn more’ bc now a lot of ppl will immediately think ‘trans’ rather than ‘misshapen gay man’

[ear-motif]

as people learn more about transmasculinity im debating if itd make me more dysphoric to be a permanently clocky tboy to well-meaning libs who still view me as a woman regardless or to keep embodying my cissona

[be-good-to-bugs]

the world isnt so bad

[ezdotjpg]

do you have any directors commentary on the recent two updates? 👉👈 the color palette is absolutely lovely! and and and WOLF!! :DD

OH BOY DO I

In the original draft of this chapter, Wolf stays a, uh, wolf until like the 4th update. Instead of actually managing to get his teeth on the master sword, Loft threw him off immediately. The Deku Tree still said the line about all three of them being heroes and Slate is like. “Including the fucking dog????!” I thought it was very funny but a) it made some scenes later down the line a huge pain and b) I was tired of drawing wolves ALDKDKD

You may have noticed Wolf’s scowling in the bg of almost every panel. That’s kind of just his face, but also right now my guy is nursing the world’s biggest migraine from popping the shadow crystal out of his skull. He can stay wolfmode for a while, but it’s still technically a curse. It’s not consequence free, and there’s an upper limit for how long he can spend in that form. Anyway, cut him some slack if he’s a little prickly for a bit.

There were a lot of comments about Loft being strong enough to toss a wolf over his head lol. My hc is that he’s one of, if not the strongest Link sans any magic items like power bracelets or gauntlets. He’s actually not even as strong now as he was during his quest. Wolf maybe has him beat now, but he can still get tossed lolol

It might seem like Slate’s really taken everything that happened at the end of ch1 in stride, but don’t worry. He’s simmering. Loft is grateful for the opportunity to get distracted by something else. Maybe that’s why he was so willing to approach the wild animal he’s never seen before lol

This maybe goes without saying based on the events of the last two updates, but Slate never had wolf link with him during the events of botw. He doesn’t recognize Wolf.

I’m really glad ppl seem to be liking the colors bc I struggled with them so hard on both updates 🫠literally days of me turning to my roommate and going “I think I’ve never made anything worse” and them going “it looks good stop being dramatic” WKDJDK I have this thing where if I had an idea in my head for what an update should look like, and what I produce doesn’t meet it somehow, I start seeing in fucking. shrimp colors. Posting always gives me a confidence boost back lol.

these pages were cursed in general bc like. this doesn’t usually happen but I think I redrew every panel in this update at least 5 times each. that’s part of why it ended up being late SKDJF

I REALLY like the idea of being in the presence of the Triforce and having access to its power being this eldritch, divinely horrifying experience. The sort of thing that is impossible to explain to anyone and also haunts you forever. Loft spends a lot of time actively trying not to think about the Triforce. Just, like, remember that about him.

Like how tears in reality are shown through holes in the literal comic panels, I tried to show the concept of reality bending in the form of a panel stretching and twisting like a ribbon ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I hope that came across. Triforce lore varies a bit from game to game, but I’ve come up with my own internal logic for bonus links that combines all the ideas I like lolol. We’ll learn more about it in due time!

I also really like this parallel :D I intentionally set up the panels so past and present loft would line up like this. i love getting to draw flashback links it’s so fun to think of ways to convey what they used to be like, and how their quests might have gone for them. Past Loft’s not having a great time by the time he reaches this point lol

I think that’s all I’ve got for now. Thanks for asking :D

[moonlit-dreamers]

hot take but i dont think sun is suicidal

i dont think hes the one with the worst mental health in this show either

besides eclipse (bc thats obvious), id say solar has the worst mental health

hes already killed 2 ppl (didnt want to kill either of them and one was on accident), is insecure about his own identity (asked computer if hes like the other eclipses, and i also bet montys... "teasing" didnt help), has no hobbies of his own, refuses to actually acknowledge his own issues, doesnt communicate to ppl and tries to "not be a bother" to others, never does anything for himself and only ever does when someone tells him to, and probably more.

but i'll analyze solar and his shit mental health later; i wanna ramble about sun

i dont think sun has ever been actively suicidal, mainly passive. in case ur wondering wut the difference is:

being passively suicidal is having thoughts and "wishes" but never actually planning to do anything. a lot of ppl will think "i wish i was dead" when in reality wut they need is a break and they have no real desire to die (this is a common thought process to have when ur burnt out or generally in a mental rut)

being actively suicidal is actually planning to do something and seeking out ways to harm urself with the intent of being severely injured or dying. this is an immediate emergency

sun never went out in search of ways to die. he never planned out ways he could kill himself. the time we heard him say "i wish i was dead" was right after he hallucinated bloodmoon and old moon taunting him. he was tired and he needed a fucking break, so he expressed that through saying "i wish i was dead". now u might be thinking "but birdcage, he did go out and do risky things knowing he might die" yes, that is true. but that does not mean that dying was his intention. he went out and did dangerous things bc he wanted to help, not die.

but if we return to the current moment; he is absolutely not suicidal. his mental health is deteriorating, yes. but from wut i can tell he hasnt shown any signs of suicidal ideation. for a while sun said he had pretty stable mental health. it was only until eclipse came back did his health really start to deteriorate again. then if u add on to how hes constantly being pushed to the side and ignored by his own family (im more than mildly frustrated by that) that is absolutely a disaster brewing under the surface. but does that mean hes currently, at the very least passively, suicidal? no. probably not. at least, from wut we can tell there isnt much to back up the idea that he is.

wut sun needs is to be acknowledged and let in on the happenings of the family instead of being ignored. he also needs to learn how to communicate better bc the severe lack of it is wuts going to cause the downfall of everyone in the show

[spacenintendogs]

httyd hcs abt the gang's relationship to eret bc we were deprived.

eret has a sense of camaraderie with all of them eventually, but it's super rough to get along with anyone besides astrid & hiccup at first

him & astrid get along the best, obv. they spar, they talk shit, they open up abt serious things, they trade information

eret dealing with how quickly he's changed his life & while astrid doesn't fully understand she rmrs how quickly her mind had been changed & getting used to it.

stormfly still plays fetch with eret (with a stick or... with him LMAO but it helps him get used to falling from large heights & trusting he'll be caught by a dragon, either her or skullcrusher)

hiccup immediately trusts eret as much as he trusts anyone he's known for years & eret doesn't know if he deserves it but he strives to make it so he does

eret has HIGH respect for hiccup & understands what he's going through to an extent as the son of a chief (tho hiccup is chief now). hiccup is one of the only ones who know eret was son of a chief.

yea i'm going off of what was said abt fire tides with eret being the son of a chief

eret figures out exactly where toothless likes to be pet & always has to give him a scratch under the chin to say hello

fishlegs enthusiasm for dragons & infodumping is a lot for eret at first, but very quickly fishlegs unabashedly is sweet, gentle, shy, patient, & still has the ability to bite back at ppl (mostly snotlout & the twins) & eret is like okay word

fishlegs helps eret understand skullcrusher more, as he's more than eager to step into the role of teacher (this makes hiccup happy)

fishlegs tells eret abt his family's regatta history & eret is actually invested!! he's interested!!! in turn, eret shows fishlegs his ship!!

eret: (sees meatlug) oh. (gives her a snack) (gives her a snack) (gives her a snack) (gives her a

we know snotlout sees eret as a rival but eret doesn't Care™️ but it'd be funnier i think if eret doesn't Care™️ but also enjoys mildly taking the piss out of snotlout for fun

it's so easy to work snotlout up & after eret's had his fun for a few months he casually brings it up to snotlout & snotlout wants to crawl into a hole & die

they do become good friends & it's weird for ppl outside of the gang bc eret is so dry towards snotlout vs snotlout still getting in eret's face (affectionate)

hookfang just likes to push himself into eret's personal space & cuddle(?) so eret just allowe it LMAO

it's ruffnut's bluntness that has eret finally relax around her.

she defends him in a rather mundane event of eret getting heckled (again) by berkians who don't trust him (this is like, month 5 of him living on berk) by looking at each viking & roasting them calmly from the ground up with information they didn't know she knew

eret tells her thanks & she just... smiles at him. so he gives her a kiss on the cheek & it's a rare moment of ruff getting slightly flushed

tuffnut is actually very easy to get along with. he always checks on eret & makes sure he's doing alright (in his tuffnut way)

tuffnut is so blasé abt things while also being one of the most hyper ppl eret has ever met & it's so intriguing to eret how someone can be a walking contradiction but make it make sense so easily

tuffnut gives eret unprompted pep talks & eret tries to respond in kind instead of fully brushing tuff off & tuff is like :D

barf & belch are as chaotic as their riders & maybe... maybe... eret will enable them on occassion (yes he will. what? it's funny).

eret rlly learns abt everyone & learns to like them for them as they like him for him :)

also they all saw him without a shirt ONE TIME (1) & haven't shut up abt it since

[onigiriforears]

After approx. 2-3 months of studying Japanese I started to read free graded readers online and then graduated to a collection of short stories that I purchased off of Amazon. I thought that the reason I was starting to have trouble understanding sentences was because I didn't know enough vocabulary but it was because I neglected grammar completely. It was sorta drilled into my head off of Youtube creators to just study kanji, vocab and simple sentences as much as possible before even touching grammar. I feel absolutely lost, dude. I am at the 5 month mark now. I can "breeze through" kanji for the most part. (as in, I can actually retain it in a decent amount of time) I decided to study grammar about a week ago. It is SO FREAKING HARD. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or what. I don't know if it's supposed to feel like what I thought I knew is being ripped apart at the seams, stapled together, and then torn apart again....but it does.

Do you have any tips for learning grammar? Is this feeling normal? Can you tell me when the pressure in my skull will subside? I am using Bunpro's free trial but I'm unsure if this tool will actually help me. I write tons of notes to flip through but I still fail to give them the nuanced answer they're looking for. I really enjoy the setup of Bunpro and I want to like it since it's similar to WK but I'm not sure if I'm going too fast or there's a better way to learn. I stopped learning 5 new grammar points a day and started doing only 2. (I also have Genki I and watch GameGengo. He explains things in a way that's easy for my brain to understand.) Sorry for the long post but any insight would be appreciated. I'm a bit nervous asking people in the language learning community for help or insight because a lot of them treat it as a way to show how fast they learned/1-up others. Tumblr's langlearn community is a lot different with what I've seen (or maybe I'm just following the right ppl lol)

Hi! Thank you so much for waiting for this response--I'm sorry it took so long. Your message was one of the ones that popped up when they locked my ask box (they actually still haven't answered me on why it was locked so 🤷‍♀️). To make up for that, I'm gonna be longwinded because I think that this is a super valid and important question that others may also want to know the answer to!!

Pls pls PLEASE DM me if none of this is helpful or if you'd like to talk more about what you think you need help with!!

I think that sometimes when we're learning a new language that we know is so overwhelmingly different from our own language, we focus on the things that we think will be the main hinderance and sometimes we forget the key points. You might be thinking "how did I forget grammar?" but I would say don't beat yourself up about it! Many of us focus on the things that we think are our problems(--the last time I studied for the JLPT, I focused on my weak point too much and then was frustrated with myself during the exam bc I neglected the other areas.)

I don't want to lie to you and say that learning grammar will is going to get easier because that's not the case for everyone. Think of learning grammar vs everything else as learning different types of math or science--have you ever had a friend that was absolutely phenomenal at algebra or calculus but couldn't do geometry? Or a friend that was wonderful lab partner in chemistry but struggled in biology? They're struggling in biology because it requires a ton of rote memorization in comparison to practical application and math that's present in chemistry and rote memorization may not necessarily be their strong point. Personally, I think that's also why a lot of us struggle with certain grammar points. There are some that just click with us immediately and then there are others that we have to see over and over and over and over and over--you get the point--just for us to find a single sentence with it that we understand. If you're math oriented, we need to figure out a way to no longer make grammar points rote memorization for you, but to turn it into a formula of some sort. I actually write my notes out in ways that are like that--I use plus signs (+) in my notes not because the textbooks use them but because my brain genuinely reads it as "noun + particle + grammar point = a sentence that makes sense" because, for me, formulas don't fail. Your weak point doesn't have to be your weakness--you can turn the weakness into a strength that works just for you.

I've been going at this for years and every single professor or Japanese friend (or even people from the discord server) I have can tell you that I've struggled with pretty much any grammar point that included ~ように--and it wasn't because I wasn't trying, but because I couldn't find myself using any sentences that with those grammar points because I found the alternatives/similar ones to make more sense. Surprisingly, it wasn't until I was reading 夜カフェ for our book club that I was actually able to start grasping the meaning (ngl, I still haven't used it myself--I'm notorious for using alternatives); I was finally witnessing it being used in a way that made sense in my brain.

The frustration you're feeling when you encounter a new grammar point or overload yourself with too many things in one go is completely normal and I promise that a ton of us in the Japanese langblr community have definitely experienced it too! It probably feels like everything you know is being ripped apart because your native language may have a SVO (subject-verb-object) format while Japanese has a SOV (subject-object-verb) format--your 1-to-1 translations for your notes may not be helpful in the beginning because you're still trying to wrap your brain around the fact that your words still need to go in another order than you're used to. And then you add the new grammar points and concepts on top of that (like particles and other things) and it can become overwhelming and frustrating. Sometimes, you're going to find some grammar points just downright annoying--especially when you find that there's no equivalency to it in your own language. But don't give up!

I know this is a super cliché thing to say, but practicing them will help. If you can, I would make note of the grammar points that you're struggling with, try to make sentences with them, and ask somebody to check them and explain exactly why (or why not) they're working and then ask them for examples because they may have an even better way of explaining it to you than what you've come up with for yourself!

I can look back at old notes and see when I wrote a sentence as an example just because a textbook/professor used it but I didn't actually understand why it worked at the time and then I can also find notes where the sentences written as examples were added once I finally found something that clicked for me.

You've already done yourself a favor by learning a lot of vocab, kana, and kanji because now you'll be able to try out an array of ways to pick up grammar instead of just a textbook. (I will make a note that if you're looking to take the JLPT, I would recommend having a list of grammar points that you would need to know for the level that you're planning on sitting for because there's no guarantee of what will or won't pop up on the test.)

Another important thing while you're practicing: be comfortable with making mistakes. We all make them, but when you're learning a new language it's important to be ready to make mistakes and to welcome them with open arms because it gives you a chance to experience and learn in real time.

ALSO: for you specifically--because you're interested in reading, you might enjoy learning grammar through tracking the different grammar points through what you're reading and using the sentences as your examples because they're all going to be cohesive. And if reading books or other things totally turn you off right now, maybe games? Animal Crossing and Pokemon are very nice games to play in Japanese for people that are just starting out! You may also enjoy using Lingo Legend--it's an JRPG language learning app that I beta tested and I think that it's a nice way to review (it has some fun incentives). I'm not a big gamer, so I struggle with learning through games, but I've been picking up a lot of grammar through reading because I focus on finding things that I'm interested in, rather than things that are "at my level." When I start a manga, I will scour a ton of websites and forums and bug a ton of people when I come across a grammar point that I can't wrap my brain around because I want to be able to understand what's going on.

We have book clubs and gamers in my discord server, as well as places for people to post what they're practicing or to ask for help. We have people of all varying levels and different skillsets that love to share their wisdom with others.

I haven't used Bunpro, but I know that @sammilearns has, so she may be able to weigh in on that! And @tokidokitokyo @nihongoseito @chouhatsumimi @kanpeki-bekki @burgeoning-ambition probably also have even more tips that me--I'm trying to tag people that I know we all learn in different ways, so their tips and tricks might be just what you need!

Please weigh in, fellow langblr members! How have you been learning grammar? Are you game-ifying it? Have you turned it into math equations? Have you managed to tie it in with your special interest? I can't wait to see what people add to this post!

[kindestegg]

What do you think of Collie going back to the sky. Because the way I see it, he's either all alone up there (probably not good for a young child) or he's gone back to living with the other collectors/archivists (which is probably also not good), Maybe he has found a guardian up there who aren't like his old siblings, an entire species of people can't all be bad, right?

hmmm... well first of all, i would like to say i personally never was a fan of the whole "collectors are emotionless assholes by default but our colly is ⁂⁕special⁕⁂ so hes different" like THATS SO STUPID!!! AND DEFEATS SO MUCH OF THE PURPOSE OF IT BEING IMPACTFUL HE CHOSE BY HIMSELF TO BE GOOD! i think the collector/archivist species is likely very very complicated and has a very rich history and hierarchy we just will never know abt in canon bc 1. theyre not the focus here and 2. well it kind of. ended. so.

BUT WELL. RIGHT! COLLYS FATE! SO UHM.

well. i have good n i have bad feelings about it.

ill start with the bad: i do wish we had seen more of him in the future timeskip, and that he had gotten a more permanent residence. i thiiink the archives are still intact around the titan skull (dont quote me on it though id need to look again), so, no reason why my future idea couldnt be canon with him living there n repurposing them. i think theres definitely a better solution than just sending him away, he couldve still had his little corner to learn stuff, just closer to the ppl he loves n that DO love him back.

HOWEVER.

heres where the good starts: i think it was actually a good idea for him to not become a noceda or a clawthorne. first of all because there was not enough of a bond between himself n those families to want to adopt him, specially there was a lot of trauma involved that cant be erased with how much he wishes to be good for them now. they still clearly care about each other, but theyre not family, maybe theyll never be, n thats fine. theres also another reason, but going into it would require... me being pretty bold about something thats been nagging on my brain ever since the episode aired, and actually talking about that might devolve into a bigger post in and of itself. i MAY make that post in the future and lose my fear of talking about, but im being cautious for now. all im gonna say about it atm is that if they had made him a noceda or a clawthorne, making him kings sibling, it wouldve made things... very awkward. and bad. so.

i think theres also a pretty fatalistic pessimistic way the fandom seems to be viewing this end: its never stated colly went back to the archivists at all, just "the stars", and its not even immediately after the finale events neither is it permanent- he had to have stayed around at least long enough to make that new portal door, and he visits frequently if king mentioning him being around to do something for luzs bday is any indication (not to mention that book lilith was holding that seemed to be about titans and collectors - i think colly mustve helped with info for that right).

me and the archive house server have actually been discussing this quite a bit, and we have reached the conclusion that the best way to describe this was that they "pulled a snufkin". collector is a space vagabond that travels around once in a while and then eventually always comes back to tell of their spoils to the people he still cares about most. and while that may not be satisfying to people who wanted him to be lovingly adopted into a welcoming family, i think its a good enough fate considering he might not even want a family out of the clawthornes, but rather just to be close to king.

and im sure maybe in the future he might decide to settle again at the isles for a more permanent residence. the future is in OUR hands now! we decide what to do with these characters and their future lives, and ive got a LOT of ideas.

[just-a-carrot]

okookookkokoko WHERE DO I EVEN START. I LOVE THIS GAME SM SMH BUT I HAVE A HARD TIME EXPLAINING STUFF SO TAKE THIS SHORT PASSAGE. (Most of this will be an unorganized ramble btw)

(SPOILER WARNING FOR MOST ARCS)

I played T2A2G and OC before this so um. Guess which route I did lmao. SPEAKING OF ROUTES, GENZOU GENZOU GEZNOU GEZNOU GEZNOU OMG GENZOU. I RELATE TO THIS MAN IN WAYS I DID NOT KNOW I COULD RELATE TO A CHARACTER. LIKE WTH?? HE HAS SUCH A TRANSPARENT CLOSET LOL. And also speaking of Genzou I do have a few questions related to him

-Is Genzou fully blind? I don't think he is bc of his cane but I heard it's different in some countries so idk

-We learn Genzou is (supposedly) taking antidepressants in Arc 2. Is he clinically depressed? (According to the Visual Noval Database he is anyways but idk)

-HOW TF DOES HE DEAL WITH BEING CANNIBALIZED TWICE LIKE DAMN..I WOULD HAVE A BREAKDOWN NO MATTER WHO I'M WITH??

-Did Genzou's friends ever like assume that he was gay?? Or like did he tell anyone?? Or did he try his best to hide it lmao

-Did anyone think/know that Gen had a crush on Iggy??

-GENZOU WITHOUT HIS HAT <333

I love Genzou sm if you couldn't tell already /p

ARC 3 CONFUSED ME SM LOL. I thought that I had accidently switched routes (even though I hadn't even made my LI choice, I ofc didn't know this atm though) from Genzou to Orlam and I was fr so confused like waht. Also like I feel so bad for Orlam wth </3.

HUMAN JERRY.

OO ALSO SOME MORE THINGS

-During some parts (mostly during arcs 3/4) I HAD TO PLAY A RELAXING PLAYLISTS BECASE I FELT OVERWHELMED/ANXIOUS/IDEK?? AND AT SOME POINT I JS GAVE UP AND STATED PLAYING HYPERCORE LMAO

-I LOV ELOVE LOVE THE WAY THAT THE NEUTRAL ENDING COLLIDES(???) WITH OC LIEK WHATWHDWATDHFWHWFTHAFG. IDK BUT FOR ME IT MAKES ME FEEL LIEK IT'S THE MORE "CANON" ENDING EVEN THOUGH THERE IS (probably) NO CANON ENDING.

-I IMMEDIATELY WENT TO THE GALLERY LIEK OMG??

-Some of my favorite liens in the game were the homicidal gardener lines (both referring to Iggs and Gen), when Gen was arguing with Jerry, When Genzou was telling iggs during the Arc 5 Kiddie Cruise scene that it shoudn't be a choice like I WAS GONNA CHOOSE DONT JUMP JS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS LOL

-I also relate a lot to Iggy in some forms

-GIDGET.

-I took a total of 260 screenshots of this game (as of now heheh)

UM YH THATS ALL SORRY IF IT'S HARD TO UNDERSTAND OR TOO ENERGETIC BUT I TRULY LOVE THIS GAME SM. Ima go replay OC again byes <3 :3 BEST REGARDS ILYSM /p

KDFJLADFA this message is so chaotic, i love it

first off, i'm really happy you like the game (and genzou) weep. thank you so much for all the kind words 😭💕 i'm also always super intrigued to see where/how ppl came into the game, so hearing you played T2A2G and OC first is very interesting to me lakdjfkdjfa

regarding your questions:

yes he is; i do think he sees a bit of light/shadow (which is different to an answer i gave some time ago, but i've been thinking about it since) but that's about it; it's a result of traumatic optic neuropathy

yes he is; he's been on meds and seeing a therapist for a while

i cannot answer this question LOL 🤣 i also don't know. i guess the only answer is that he has no choice

mmm... he never outright told anyone in the friend group. tbh he doesn't outright tell many people, mostly as he's just a bit of a private person in that regard and keeps to himself outside of attempting dating apps every now and then. i would not say he actively attempted to hide it though aside from around iggy. as for other people assuming i think it was something many of them did kinda realize but never said anything also

similar here, i think some of them kinda knew. i think gidget knew, even if they kinda ignored it, because it prompted their jealousy on a few occasions. i think orlam had a bit of a guess but it wasn't really confirmed until later

LDKAJFSLDKFA THAT'S NOT A QUESTION

LOL about the routes. indeed, if you don't realize that actually all the "routes" are mandatory parts of the story until the finale then it can be confusing if you thought you were going for a specific char early on or something 🤣 it's not like the games where you can pick your route and then the rest of the game is that route

hahaha yeah i wouldn't say there's a "canon" ending. for one, i feel like that would kinda defeat the point of having different possibilities to begin with. why make other choices if there's only ever one canon ending? i want people to be able to choose however they want the story to end. i mostly connected the neutral ending to OC as a sort of self-indulgent gift to myself, because i thought it would be very sweet if iggy would still have a chance to find companionship with one of his friends later on even if he chose to focus on himself first. like that it just keeps it open. i also just thought it'd be a fun easter egg to give ppl more incentive to at least try the neutral route as i figure most ppl would not choose that route as it's kinda short compared to the others and doesn't give as much closure to the other chars

260 SCREENSHOTS LDKJFASDLFA

sob thank you for this lovely message!! it was really fun answering your questions hahaha and i'm really glad you liked the game so much!! it means a lot!! 💕

[slytherinshua]

hi so idk what happened but i rambled on for way too long with an ask and then it got deleted 🙃

i think the universe was telling me to stfu

anyway basically what i said bwfore (in the erased ask ihy tumblr) was that yay! you stan tws!

and i saw your jebewon and tws reqs open so I asked for..

tws -> fluff with any of the 06's (an idea is: (dont have to write this specifically) maybe coming home after a long day? could be them or reader)

zb1 -> basically hanbin comfort?? any comfort at all but like maybe idol s/o who faints on stage

i will never have enough shb fics im not even joking. Hes so greenflag, i love that guy with all of my heart (hes 7 years older than me) and i seriously hope everyone gets a person like him as their s/o (for all the insane kpop stans out there (the extremists) i said someone LIKE him which means i do not want sung hanbin and i actually would be happy if he has a gf (he probs does bc look at that guy) because a) hes way too old for me and b) lets be real here.

Okay!! Enough rambling!! anyway my question was whos your tws bias (my guess is shinyu) ik your zb1 and bnd biases are gw and myungjae (seriously gw is bias wrecking so hard)

btw im also a shinyu bias and idk if youve guessed alr but also a hanbin bias (heh) and a sungho one (i absolutely love that kid)

uhh and i forgot to say..i forgot which anon i was :/

Im pretty sure i was 🌱 but i dont remember!!! i was the svt ask anon whixh caused a somewhat miscommunication or idk(?)

anyway just call me 🌱

zanna thank you for writing fics. seriously, i read them all the time. i recently got into zb1 (theyve taken over my life) and all i had to do was open your mlist. But again pls prioritise yourself always, stay healthy and happy pls dont burn out ily (not in a weird way, in the way i love an author's works or an artist's paintings) pls ignore the req if you dont feel like it!!!

OMG!!!! UR BACK KSJDFKSD omg i've missed you 🥹🥹🥹 i'm sorry i forgot to put ur anon tag on the nav cause i kept switching themes and having the taken anons there or not and it was hard keeping track of them all but IM SO GLAD UR BACK!!! the universe may be telling u to stfu but i say PLS DONT PLS COME INTO MY INBOX MORE <33333 ugh tumblr is literally SUCH A CYBER BULLY LIKE GET OUTTT 👹👹👹👹

omg these ideas are so CUTEEE im writing them down in my drafts immediately and hopefully ill finish them very soon <333

no so real hanbin is the DEFINITION of perfection. like hes the 5th gen cha eunwoo i saw ppl saying he looks like cha eunwoo and he got so shy and was like nononono BUT LIKE THEYRE SO REAL HES PERFECT SAY IT LOUDERRR and hes humble too which is so cute :(

lmao i giggled at ur guess im thinking maybe a lot of ppl think im shinyu biased cause ive written the most for him but ive actually been kyungmin biased since day 1!!!!!! i was there pre debut like from the minute the ohmymy video dropped and i fell in love w kyungmin immediately and learned all their faces in 5 mins 🥹🥹 i love my tws so much <333

awwww stop :(((( thank you so much for enjoying them and requesting more </3 so real zb1 are a problem i said i wouldn't stan and i tried hard not to but i failed miserably and now they're on my mind 24/7 👹 AND ILYTTT I HOPE UR DOING OKAY AND LIFE HAS BEEN KIND TO U <3333 and i'm so glad to see u in my inbox again 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

[s133pybunny]

extremely effective new ana motivation js dropped today 😍

js found out one of my close guy friends, the boy who took me to the gym when i was too scared to go alone, reminded me to eat more constantly, and who i genuinly trusted a lot and rly liked (like a brother) called me a "fat bitch" to the rest of my current close friends almost a yr ago when I was first being brought into the friend group.

I was deep in b/p cycle, and was really struggling to loose the weight i already lost at the time, and i was so terrified bc i was fat all the ppl in the group i didn't rly know yet would bully me, but since nothing was ever said to my face i js thought they genuinly didn't care/notice.

I've recently got my shit back tgr and lost 20lbs in less than two months, and i still have much more to go, but learning that he not only said that, but some of the other guys who i now consider close friends laughed, and the only person to stick up for me was my now bsf (she already knew abt my bed and mia) genuinly made me want to vomit and sob. (my bsf didn't tell me then bc she was scared it would trigger me and instead told him off and he apologized "immediately", but me and the guy friends gym sessions came up and she kinda js said it since i made a joke abt being a fatass w a gym rat for a gym buddy)

I am honestly beyond humiliated. I want to block everyone and isolate so i can focus on school and becoming so skinny no one could ever call me a fat bitch again. This is fueling my need to prove ppl wrong and get so sick they regret ever saying anything.

idk sorry for venting, i'm js so upset and paranoid they all think im a fat cow loser but also now im soooo gunna lose another 20lbs asap.

[raprockcity-moved]

ok now onto proper character analysis: is keicho a catboy or a dogboy? I'm convinced he's a dog person but he could still be cat-coded you know

i hav drawn keicho and badco as a bunch of cats so id say hes kitty-coded. i think okuyasu is a dogboy tho. if we're going by cartoon animal stereotypes, cats tend to be quite well-groomed and a bit prissy. since keicho really likes order and routine (as seen by bad company's mannerisms and his reaction to when josuke killed a few), i think hed be more of a cat... i think catboy keicho would love to keep his tail and ears nice and w/o any extra strands sticking out. i think itd ruin his entire day if he found out that something is even slightly uneven and he will spend the time combing it out. (do catboys groom themselves? more at 9.)

it doesnt seem that keicho rlly likes anyone but himself in canon (at least that's what he wants u to think. he cares abt okuyasu a lot, hes just. very very very unwell and uses having balance and harmony in his stand and even possibly day to day life to compensate for his awful life.) so i think that adds onto him being more of a .. less social catboy. unlike akira who loves meowing and gets the zoomies which annoys the hell out of keicho.

NOW. abt okuyasu who.. ok he just kind of shoved himself here but. i jus wanna add more insight to my argument abt keicho being more catboy-coded by adding some contrast. ok

dogs are usually portrayed as rowdy and messy. during tonio's arc, okuyasu had a lot wrong with his health ranging from poor hygiene (his cavities. but this could also b due to genes. but tbh knowing that him and keicho do not live in a very . good place this is jus sort of Obvious) and also insomnia, iirc back pain and other health issues. this gives a glimpse into okuyasu's mental state and lack of order in his life u know. * i think he is a dogboy also bc he tends to resort to violence or aggression first and foremost when encountering things he doesnt understand or feel comfortable with. (like when he insulted mikitaka and tried to get all up in his face while josuke held him back from doing something stupid. oh also him telling mikitaka to get out of the way during toyohiro's arc. oh and also his interactions w shigechi and him immediately going after harvest when it didnt even harm him directly during their first meeting.) and also his want to stick to ppl and rely on them since apparently everyone loves telling okuyasu that hes stupid . so he eventually internalized that but i digress.

* this also plays into well. his experiences in the past which im not comfortable talking abt whatsoever. its learned behavior passed on from his dad -> keicho -> and then him. dogs tend to mimic and pick up on things quite well which adds onto my point.

rohan mentioned that okuyasu has a complex surrounding his dead brother and how he always thinks of "what would keicho do" before making big or life changing decisions. dogs tend to try to please whoever's taking care of them and they look up to their owners as 'rolemodels' .. which kind of shows how okuyasu thinks of ppl like keicho and by extent josuke too. OFC im overanalyzing this to all hell but. okuyasu is def more of a dogboy than keicho.

[thefinalwitness]

ok a lot of ppl are doing it and im just so *BUZZES* about dt so i'm gonna do it too!!! i'm gonna talk about dt and ocs!!!! the readmore contains huge and detailed spoilers so please please do not read it if you havent finished the msq!!!!

also just to set the tone of this post: i LOVED dt SO MUCH so this is going to be an extremely positive post!!!! i loved literally everything about it so ig if u hated it maybe just skip this one lmao!!

IT WAS SOOOOOOOO MUCH FUN WTF!!!! i honestly expected (and dreaded) we'd be immediately foist back into Sole Hero Of The Universe Mode, and the fact we weren't has made me SO HAPPY i decided to stick with l'aiha for dt msq!!!! this expac was PERFECT for her, a chance to learn about a new culture and get away from her mantle!!!! it's everything i could've asked for and so much more!!!!

tural is BEAUTIFUL and so detailed, i loved the rites half of the expac and the way the plot twisted midway through was really fun to me!! i've seen ppl say the first and second half feel like different stories but i honestly disagree, i think zoraal ja and sphene are perfect opposites of wuk lamat and koana, and i think getting to see how coming into your own can be done right and wrong was really neat. i think they're two sides of the same coin, the coin being the story, and while i do wish we'd had more time to set up sphene's storyline, i think all the story beats themselves are great!

i LOVE the implications of the ending too!!!! we have this artifact now that has provably opened passageways to other reflections—something l'aiha has been deeply interested in and researching since shadowbringers!!!! if this is where the next 10 years are going, i am STOOOOOOOKED

i'm also so pleased with how l'aiha and j'sera (her sister, i renamed her bc dyslexia) have developed through this expac! i wanted them to grow closer now that they're both out of their comfort zones, and that's exactly what this story gave me. l'aiha becomes deeply attached to j'sera to the point of overprotectiveness throughout the rites—then, it's decided that l'aiha should stay in tuliyollal during the barrier stuff because there are 4 wols in her canon, and ONE should stay in the city. she therefore has to let sera go, and sera gets the chance to come into her own during the second half of the expac, rising to the challenge without anyone—her sister, her mentor, her parents—to protect her. when they reunite and face zoraal ja together, l'aiha gets to see how capable sera is and how much she's grown since they left sharlayan. l'aiha no longer feels compelled to coddle her, and sera no longer needs to cling to l'aiha! it's SOOOOOOOOO GOOD.

(i've also decided that, when zoraal ja orders the second attack on tuliyollal, the dragons aren't as close as they are in canon, and l'aiha uses azem's crystal to summon them to the battle. because it's cool hehe.)

sera herself got SOOOOOOO MUCH out of this expac!!!! i haven't fleshed out all of it yet, but i definitely think dt is where she and leviathan-egi start to really bridge the gap between them. leviathan-egi deeply respected its previous master, sera's mentor, and it's reacted extremely poorly to sera. it doesn't respect her as its master, treating her instead like a kitten to defend. but like l'aiha, leviathan-egi starts to realize sera has grown a lot in tural, and that it doesn't have to do all the work alone, that they can cooperate and become stronger for it.

i did NOT expect to end up shipping her and erenville, but as the story progressed i really really felt like they were a good fit! i've decided they became friends over the three years erenville was in sharlayan, so they're already familiar with each other, and aside from wuk lamat and krile, they're only REALLY familiar with each other, so they provide one another with much needed support during so much uncertainty and newness! it's sera that goes with erenville to shaaloani, and he tells her a lot about his mom during that time, so cahciua's loss hits her pretty hard too. (cahciua also DEFINITELY knows they like each other LMAO.)

i'm still getting my thoughts together for minfilia and valensia—the expac was just SO perfect for l'aiha and sera that i basically forgot to think about them VKFNKHCCHKVM. i want to though!!! i have ideas, and i think they'll both have their own strong places in dt—i think minfilia and sphene will be SO interesting, as well as valensia and koana!!

i'm just SO happy. i think dt is maybe my new first or second fav expac. i adored every second of it, it's like it was molded perfectly out of what i wanted for l'aiha and sera especially! ough. hough!!! i'm so happy.

[barbatos-sama]

so far these are the pros and cons of this game, there will be a lot of comparing to gembin because the game makes no effort to hide how much of a gembin clone it is:

cons:

• character designs aren't great, a lot of them are very busy and the ones that aren't are kinda plain because the colors are kinda muted

• colors are more muted and less whimsical because this isn't a historical fantasy like gembin, like i said it's supposed to be a futuristic game so it's almost like they're trying to take classic gacha character design but make it fit into a futuristic sci fi theme and they don't really execute that very well

• the sci-fi aspect itself just doesn't appeal to me, this is obviously a matter of personal taste though

• it takes a lot of big made up science words and spits it at you all at once, making things hard to understand. gembin has some complicated fantasy terms as well but they ease you into it, starting in mond where everything is pretty easy to understand and terms are mostly normal and easy to understand. by the time it gets real bad in gembin is in sumeru, but you're so far into the game at that point where you're invested enough to actually learn and memorize these terms. this game spits them at you immediately so i was quickly discouraged and decided i didn't care abt the plot if they were gonna immediately make you do homework in order to understand anything

• speaking of the plot like i mentioned before i started skipping most of the dialogue and cutscenes because i just didn't care, it was boring. i Tried at first but i just couldn't understand what was going on bc of the nonsense technical terms they wanted me to learn

• THE INTERFACE okay my god the interface is so hard to navigate at least for me. i don't know what any of this shit is or what it does. the interface over the gameplay is almost Exactly like gembin's so that's easy to understand but the menus? nahhhh. it's like they wanted to copy homework but make it different but they made it different in the wrong way

• back to the character designs unfortunately has the "most women have big booba" problem. i don't have a problem with booba women, i kind of used to bc it made me dysphoric but it doesn't anymore and i think having some titty every now and again is fine. but when almost Every woman has big booba it makes them feel less unique. like in gembin for example there's ladies with all sizes of booba, some even have flat chests like furina and hu tao. ladies with like super big booba are actually not Super common, shenhe and yelan come to mind. in gembin you could say "the lady with the big titties" and those two would probs come to mind for whoever ur talking to, but in this game it would be like "ur gonna have to be more specific." like you know what i mean?? ahdjd not Every woman can be a booba woman you've got to branch out.

• obviously they only have twink which is a crime against me personally. the game came out rather recently so maybe there will be more, but maybe not having many twinks is a good thing bc i wont feel enticed to pull for many ppl.

• jumping is weirdly floaty and sprinting is weird

• fighting is kinda boring, ive been button mashing and things die lmao. so far there's not as much strategy as there is in gembin, but maybe i just dont know enough abt the combat system? it gave me tutorial trials tho and most of it consisted of "click four times then use your skill" so it doesn't seem very promising.

• exploration is a lot more boring than in gembin, gembin has chests and puzzles like jam packed into its world but those are much farther between in this game. since exploration is literally my favorite thing abt gembin this game is seriously lacking to me lol

• sometimes it can be kinda frustrating trying to do the things it wants me to, like it gave me a challenge to do backflips 10 times in a row without falling off a box, and the box would get smaller on each difficulty, and it took FOREVER because first of all didn't even tell me what i was doing at first so i didn't know i wasn't supposed to flip off the box, then once i figured that out it was just a rly hard thing to do but the quest marker wouldn't go away until you finished it. i finally did finish it but it was v frustrating and i was like "i come back to this game and the first thing you do is frustrate me? hello?" also there was a domain that was literally a side scroller so it was like, sonic the hedgehog but worse and very clunky. that took me several tries as well bc the controls for this segment are like, not great. i had to remap the buttons for that specific part. idk maybe someone with bigger hands can do it better but i have small hands and can't even reach the left shift button soooo

pros:

• i have just realised that almost every pro i have would be "this is like gembin" such as it having practically identical features such as how characters are built, constellations, battle pass, welkin, how quests are organized, etc. like i can't even tell you how much this game truly is "gembin but worse". they took gembin and used almost identical mechanics but made the characters uglier, the interface worse, and the exploration more boring. like i was sitting here like "okay but as a clone it had the opportunity to improve on gembin" but it didn't. like... okay it's got a bigger resin cap? you can walk up walls? i'm struggling to think of something here

[bumofthewild]

omg your ffxiv journey is so sweet ;____; it's so touching to see other haurchefant fans waaaaah everything in ishgard is so crazy. do you have any thoughts? on his family, ysayle, estinien? aymeric?

awwww ty i feel like all i've really done is tweet "i love haurchefant" or complain abt fantasy racism but i'm happy you think so...! and yess infinite love for haurchefant forever i was not expecting to fall for him like that at all. he is literally perfect.......!!!

im actually obsessed w ishgard im hoping you understand that asking for my thoughts on anything is opening a floodgate but i will try to reel it in! ok! here we go!

ok i love ishgard.... i love its extremely insular and severe and almost monastic atmosphere. i am a hugeee fan of secluded locations as the setting of a story so when i realised hvw was going to be largely about ishgard i was so excited. i also really love plots where characters are in hiding/have to take refuge in a hidden and secretive place??? and then the fact that the place you have to take refuge in is haurchefants family home??? i started writing fanfic immediately i literally felt like i was being spoiled like they wrangled that from my brain i genuinely couldn't believe i could experience so much luxury all at once. of course that's been ruined after doing the vault which i have been genuinely handing terribly but. moving on!

emmanellain is so funny and i think the contrast between him and artoirel (silliness/overconfidence vs seriousness/insecurity) is really interesting, down to where you go with them on their separate missions. really fun way of exploring more of ishgard. i like their dad too he's genuinely sweet which i thought was a nice surprise. it really stuck out to me this one moment where the war worsens and he says you can't stay anymore bc its become so dangerous, bc i just automatically assumed everyone would beg you to stay and help. that really touched me. i feel like hvw somehow passed my convoluted eq test

also learning haurchefant was an illegitimate son in the way you do w artoirel just telling you really stood out to me o__o not bc that kind of thing is an issue but bc of how you learn it idk backstory on the characters kind of throws me off in a good way bc of how linear the game is. idk i cant formulate thoughts on haurchefant rn itd need its own post. some other time..

i don't believe in things like nobility as an actual moral concept, obviously, and fantasy games let alone ishgard really test my patience with it, but i do love it aesthetically. same w christianity. i really like idk arthurian medieval aesthetics. the high houses + their motifs really got me like i specifically love unicorns and roses if hvw was trying to appeal to me directly it knew exactly how. ishgard's politics too i thought that shit was so interesting i'd love to learn more about the rocky relationships btwn the houses. and we loveeeee toppling the church thank you heavensward

there were a lot of times though where i was really frustrated with the dragonsong war and this is my issue with ffxiv in general but the way it treats beast races is extremely disturbing. i pretend i cant read whenever a character on the "good" side talks about "civility" or "reason/sense". and the ishgard lore being ppl directed by their god to inhabit a land only to find that land inhabited by "savages" (the dragons) that they have to kill now bc as "reasonable" beings they have a religious claim to that land...is an insane thing to write about!!! jrpgs are crazy!!!!!! like i genuinely need it to stop but i guess they at least (???) kind of turned things around with hresvelgr and ysayle offering the perspective of the other side and i think they made it an interesting issue enough for the game but lord it is disconcerting. that being said the foundation of ishgard being a total lie (and being described constantly as a sin) is still a lot of fun to me like thank god. and the quirky somewhat found family journey w ysayle, estinien and alphinaud to unearth the truth was one of the best parts of hvw imo. i loved seeing estinien act almost like an older brother to alphinaud, and for estinien and ysayle to constantly be at odds and alphinaud trying to keep things together. i am so fond of that section of the game.. just felt like you were climbing higher and higher into figurative heaven (i love the title heavensward im glad they used it in such fun ways) and seeing stubborn bastards like estinien question what he knew. he was so funny by the way i was not expecting that even though i knew an estinien was a popular char in the game for a while. i also like ysayle a lot like her passion was very compelling, and when she finally talks to hresvelgr the way her goals would be tinged w a sort of self-serving personal feeling at times i found really interesting. all of it was so interesting whenever the plot strayed from ishgard id be like take me back PLEASEEE. idk i like chars who behave like tools (estinien) or become tools by accident (ysayle). i think those two should hang out and bicker and begrudgingly accept each other forever

also i love aymeric like i already loved aymeric from post-arr idk if you play w another dub but his english voice has this softness to it that i find so cute. idk he's kind of delicate to me maybe not what they were going for but i'm into it. the fact that post-arr to me is just watching aymeric and haurchefant be in a wol-loving contest MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACHGHH i love the ishgardians how much they like wol in a place that's notorious for being so cold is so great. i think love is real on earth. and not in the self-insert "i need every char in this game to want me" way i just mean that i like love a lot, and they are not shy about the fact that they love you. its great. also when they revealed aymeric was actually an idealist and that getting jailed as a heretic meant little to him if it could bring about a new ishgard--literal nail in my coffin. i love idealism!! i was really pleasantly surprised that the nobles you come to know decided to care more about bringing in a new age for the region rather than being noble. whether or not that change comes is to be seen ofc.. but considering the brume is a location that exists well. what is with this game and the fantasy cops always being really bad...? like is ffxiv actually down for the cause...? (joke)

ik ishgard has its whole classism thing going on but that seems more like fray's department now which i have yet to dance with.. i mean literally just dissolve the class system...but this post is already very unorganised so. no more. i would pay an infinite amount of money to bring haurchefant back. each time i think about him i slip up and think about his gravestone instead and feel nauseous. great game!

[verysickofthisshit]

i am very Tired of people ignoring how severely traumatized vi is. like ok i get it jinx is a lot more noticeably Not Okay, but r we seriously going to look at jinx say “omg her childhood was so traumatic” when vi took the brunt of a lot of their traumatic experiences in her earlier childhood?? 

vi at like 10-12 led her little sister on a bridge that was on fire and filled with enforcers and dead bodies to go find their parents only to stumble across her mothers fucking corpse (some ppl think that she witnessed their deaths but idk). bc their parents were now dead vi immediately assumed a parental role which caused her to lose more of her already stolen childhood in an effort to protect jinx. 

she held a lot of responsibility for a teenager and was assigned leader/parent to her siblings. most of what she did was to help her family and community. ive seen some people say that she kind of imprinted onto vander when they first see him meaning she adopted the kind of personality he had then. shes brash and blunt and willing to take all different manners of pain to protect her family. i would bet that theres a sense of fear of losing them because she lost her parents. vi feels guilty for really anything because she feels that leadership and responsibility with all of her friends and family. 

so not only is she putting herself in physical danger to protect her family but she also torments herself if she fails or slips up. then in a desperate effort to save her father figure who raised her and taught her and saved her, she finds out her little sister accidentally just killed their entire adoptive family. so she lashes out in one of the few ways she knows how which is physically. is it okay?? fuck no. but understandable? yeah. she literally lost everything in the span of minutes. then she turns around and finds out that the reason for all of this is her little sister who came along even though she was told not to. 

so its a matter of loss of control and a loss of family and crushing guilt because she failed to protect them. i think something that really stands out too is how in ep 1 or 2 vander gives vi the whole leadership lecture “you say light a fire they show up with oil” which is essentially “you are responsible for the outcomes of your leadership decisions” the whole effort to save vander was coordinated by vi. this rescue mission ended with her and powder being the sole survivors of her family. 

then she’s thrown into prison at 14-17 until she is in her early or mid twenties. in stillwater she is physically and psychologically abused for six straight years. her sole outlet for all her guilt and grief is anger. so she builds a reputation for herself knowing there is no end of her sentence in sight and with the crushing fear that her little sister, who she hurt and abandoned (in her mind), is dead. she brutalizes other inmates and lands herself into solitary confinement often. 

then when she’s broken out she experiences a sort of culture shock with how much the lanes have changed, the shimmer problem worsening, and the way the last drop has gone from welcoming and gruff to barred off and threatening. she expresses herself in her go to coping mechanism which is beat the shit out of other people and getting the shit beat out of herself. she learns that her little sister is still alive but is working for silco. 

there HAS to be a level of betrayal and anger in that. i don’t believe it overrides her sheer relief and hope at the knowledge of her little sister being alive, but i believe its still very much there. silco cultivated the environment in which their family was slaughtered, took over their childhood home, and corrupted the undercity with swathes of shimmer. 

i looked away from my screen and stopped hyperfocusing uh.. im gonna finish this off the best i can but im stupid and i hear every noise now.

moving beyond into act 3 where do we even fucking start. okay, her sister shooting her?? terrifying. it is very hard for vi to understand just how much jinx has changed over the years. then believing to witness her death, you can see in the council scene just how apathetic she has become. 

the tea party scene and leadup i think are the scariest scenes in the show. jinx is clearly drugged out from her slow and borderline slurring voice. she puts vi in a very vulnerable situation that demands full trust from her, while she does get that in jinx’s eyes (from my opinion) vi hasn’t fully passed the test. vi is literally forced to choose between killing caitlyn (someone she has become very emotionally attached too) and leaving jinx (her little sister who she thought was dead for years). this is so traumatic i cannot believe ppl are glossing over this. my brain is loud and i cant think anymore but like... so tired of ppl not really paying attention and seeing how traumatized so many of the characters are and instead focusing so heavily on jinx. yes jinx is the heart of the show, yes she is incredible mental illness representation, yes she is a fantastic fucking character, but she is not the only one.

[daz4i]

ok now i'm gonna be emotional under the cut probably (mentions of suicide but it's not negative. just verbalizing thoughts i had throughout today 🤔)

so many ppl sent me messages today, many in my family sent me direct ones which is rare too - most of them just send it in the groupchats - so they put in the extra effort to make it more personal and less like they're just going with everyone else

and like right on midnight i immediately got beautiful messages from 3 of my besties, and ofc lots of birthdays wishes from mutuals and friends on a discord sever, so many people putting in effort and so fast too. my niece and nephew made drawings especially for me and my niece insisted on cutting paper in half so she could draw even more things and they made me a goodie bag with little gifts and such too. like even the kids put in a lot of effort

but what really gets me is multiple people telling me they're glad i'm alive and they hope to celebrate more birthdays with me, and people in my family wishing for me to have a better future specifically, and people saying they love me and-

it feels very surreal. dgmw i am very touched. as a person who, well, is not the biggest fan of life, and very much did not plan to get to the age of 25, it feels. weird.

birthdays are always a hard time because of that ajdkflglh ever since i was a teen really, i always become even more suicidal on the days leading up to it, like some sense of "i won't reach [age]. i can't. i shouldn't" and as you can tell it did not go further than that lol. i think i end up crying or having a major breakdown p much on every birthday, up until maybe the last 2 (as in, 24 and 25) bc it always feels like i lost, failed in achieving my ultimate goal

and. i guess. seeing this much love, that i didn't expect but i know is there even when it's not verbally expressed. makes it feel less like losing? i can't name what it does feel like - i'm not well versed in positive emotions lol - but it's not negative that's for sure. except maybe it starts being distressing bc i don't understand it :P but that's a me issue hehe.

and. i don't want to live for other people. i have gone past the point of "mom would be sad" years ago. which i think is why it feels so weird. bc it does feel nice, to know people are happy that i'm alive, and that they genuinely want me to be happy, even when i don't

even when I'm thinking "god i'm already this old and haven't achieved anything in my entire life". these people don't care about that. that's why they wish for a better future. what i achieved, to them, is being a kind person i think

idk how to finish this ajdkflg like i said i'm just putting thoughts in words. and crying bc now my bday is over so i can do it without feeling like i failed at some unspoken goal. i always say i'm not good at love, and that goes for being loved too, i feel like a deer in the headlights lol 😭 but it's okay. idk if i'll ever get used to it or learn how to actually accept it rather than just pretend i do, but maybe i don't need to know?