#i should update the cowboys guide

[rmbaloncesto]

.

[tilebytiles]

settle for a draw - a.t.

summary: you didn't expect to meet a cowboy. you didn't expect to fall in love with him, either. word count: 5.5k warnings: age gap (reader is 20, alex is 25) a/n: im not the only one who sees tbhc alex as a cowboy ..... right </3

You shouldn't have been so surprised to see the figure approaching your parents' farm, riding his trusty steed and kicking up dust as he approached. You lived on a farm, for crying out loud. You knew the rural life was one a lot of people chose; the countryside was beautiful, for one, but it also offered the perfect chance to get away from it all. None of that stopped you from practically gaping as who you could only assume to be a cowboy approached the front gates.

Okay, maybe you were stereotyping by calling him a cowboy, but he certainly looked the part. One hand was firmly clamped down on his hat, preventing it from being swept away by the wind, and the other clutched the reins, guiding his horse forward with practiced ease. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, revealing tanned and muscled forearms, and the undone buttons of his shirt offered you a sliver of his chest, the gold chain around his neck jostling with each movement.

You were content to stare (ogle), but your father came up beside you on the front porch and clicked his tongue. "Should go see what he wants," he said.

You looked over at him. "Me?" He nodded. "But you said-"

"Y/N, if he tries anything with you while I'm standin' right here, I'm gonna rip him a new one and make sure he sees God."

Your father had a funny way of showing how much he loved you.

You descended the steps and hitched your skirts up, rushing over to the front gate right as the dashing stranger slowed his horse to a stop, gently petting its mane. He looked down at you and tipped his hat politely. "How do you do?" His voice was smooth like velvet and deep, reaching the sort of vocal depths that made your stomach tingle.

"I'm fine, thank you," you said softly, lifting a hand to shield your eyes from the sun. "Can I ask what you're doing here?"

"Ah ..." He released the reins to dip his hand into the bag attached to the saddle, pulling out a rolled-up sheet of paper and handing it to you over the gate. You unfurled it and observed the printed colors, taking note of the hastily scribbled markings, presumably by his hand. It was a map. As you looked over it, he said, "Been travelin' for a few days and decided it was best to take a rest. I'm low on supplies, and I wanted t' see if you could help me out any."

You looked back up at him. Your family had never housed anyone outside of your relatives before, but you didn't see why you couldn't accommodate this gentleman. Granted, you'd only spoken to him for ... a minute, max, but he seemed nice enough. Plus, there was a spare bedroom in your house, and your mother was always guilty of making too much food ... You undid the latches and pulled the gate open, producing a thunderous creak. You really needed to oil the hinges soon. The stranger smiled at you, taking the map when you offered it back to him, and stuffed it back into his satchel before swinging one of his legs over and sliding off his horse. He was taller than you, but not by too much. You led him to the front porch, where your father still stood, and asked, "Papa, can he stay for a few days?"

Your father eyed the supposed cowboy for a few long, long moments before finally sighing and nodding. "You better stay away from my daughter," he said, pointing his finger rather threateningly at the man.

The man was at least smart enough to nod quickly. "Of course, sir. I wouldn't ever think o' trying anythin' with her."

Your father slowly nodded in approval before turning to head back into the house, presumably to update your mother on the situation. You watched the door shut, then gestured for the man to follow as you led him around to the back of the house, where the stables were situated. If he was content to remain in silence as you opened one of the stall doors so he could lead his horse inside, you had other plans. "What's your name?"

He glanced at you for a second as he led his horse into the stall, releasing its reins once it was inside. "Alex."

"Alex ... ?"

"Turner."

"That's a funny last name."

He cocked an eyebrow, following you as you picked up a nearby bucket to fill the trough in the stall with water from the pump behind your house. "Well, what's yours?"

"L/N." You dropped the bucket into the grass and began working the pump, your brows scrunching together with exertion.

He crossed his arms over his chest, the muscles in his forearms flexing with the movement. "I could argue that's no better than mine."

"I never said it was."

"You got a first name, miss L/N?"

"Y/N." Once the bucket was adequately filled, you lifted it up (trying to ignore the way your arms already wanted to give out) and hauled it back to the stall Alex's horse was in. "How come you're going to the mountains?"

He watched as you poured the water into the trough - it only filled it up about halfway. Silently, he gestured for the bucket, and you hesitated before handing it to him. He headed for the water pump, but you remained by the stall, leaning against the wooden beam that reached up to the stable ceiling. "I got some friends up there," he said, speaking louder so you could hear him. "Plan to stay a week or two with 'em, then head back home."

"It'll take you a couple more days to get there."

"I know. That's why I'm restin' for a few days."

You immediately noticed how much faster he was than you at filling the bucket up. You wanted to be surprised, but you knew you couldn't - he was a skilled rider, and if he was a cowboy, he likely had multiple horses. He knew what he was doing, and his muscular arms hinted at years of practiced motions such as these. He lifted the full bucket with ease, too, as if it was little more than a bundle of feathers. You wondered if he was showing off, only holding it with one hand while you'd needed two. "What's your horse's name?"

He stepped past you to pour the water into the trough. "Lizzie."

You eyed the horse for a few moments. Yeah, she looked like a Lizzie. "She's pretty."

He smiled at that - a small smile, but one nonetheless. "D'ya wanna pet her?"

You blinked. "Can I?"

He set the bucket down outside the stall and pushed the stall door shut, nodding at you as he did so. "She won' bite, if that's what you're worried about."

You stepped up to the stall door and slowly reached your hand out, letting your fingers brush against the top of her nose. In response to your fleeting caress, Lizzie leaned her head forward, her eyes fluttering shut - a silent encouragement. You gave her a more confident pat on her head, then ran your hand along her mane, marveling at how smooth the hairs were. She truly was a stunning horse.

Beside you, Alex was still smiling; you could see it in your periphery. You turned your head to look at him while still offering Lizzie affection. "What?"

He shrugged. "I dunno, 's just always nice t' see people interactin' with her. She's a real attention seeker, y'know. Don't be too nice t' her, or she'll never leave you alone."

That made you laugh. "Is that how you ended up with her?"

He nodded, reaching his own hand out to scratch under Lizzie's chin. "Found her near my farm a few years back. Poor girl was shiverin' to death - looked like she hadn't eaten in a while, either. I gave her some food an' before I knew it, she wouldn't stop nuzzlin' me, demandin' attention. I didn't see the harm in bringin' in one more horse."

"How many do you have?"

"Countin' her, five."

Five? Your family only had two. Maybe your cowboy theory wasn't so far off. Speaking of ... "Are you a cowboy?"

Amusement immediately engraved itself into his features. He opened his mouth to answer, but right as he did, your mother's voice sounded from the back door of your home. "Y/N!" she called. "Time for dinner! Bring your friend, too!"

Beside you, Alex snorted. "I'm your friend, am I?"

You just rolled your eyes and motioned for him to follow as you left the stables.

As soon as you stepped past the threshold of the back door, the smell of herbs filled your nostrils, urging you into the kitchen to find the source. Your mother had just finished plating and was setting a pot down on the stove when you appeared in the doorway, Alex in tow. She looked over at the both of you and smiled. “C’mon, sit down,” she urged, gesturing towards the dining table. You were both quick to acquiesce - you were hungry, and Alex was starving.

Your father appeared and sat across from Alex, your mother sitting across from you. You picked up your cutlery and began to cut into the chicken breast on your plate; the sounds of forks and knives clinking against plates, along with glasses being set down on the table, filled the room. Your mother’s cooking was divine, as always, and you were content to sit in silence and devour everything on your plate. Your father, however, had other plans, and after wiping the crumbs from his mouth, said, “I saw John’s boy in town today.”

Your ears perked up. “Julian?”

He nodded. “Spoke to him some, too. John’s lookin’ to sell one of his horses. I was thinkin’ to pay him a visit tomorrow.”

Your mother, not wanting Alex to feel left out, asked him, “How many horses do you have?”

“Five, ma’am,” Alex said.

“What’s your name, anyway, boy?” your father asked. You wanted to kick him under the table for the way he said it.

“Alex Turner, sir. My farm’s ‘bout a three-day trip from here.”

“Three days? What the hell are you doin’ out here?”

“Goin’ to the mountains, sir, to stay with some friends o’ mine.”

Your father simply nodded and stuffed a forkful of roasted potatoes into his mouth. You looked over at Alex and asked, "Do you think you could help me with some chores after dinner?"

"Now, Y/N," your mother said, "Alex is probably tired from all the ridin' he's done."

"No, ma'am, it's no problem." Alex smiled softly at you, the kind of smile that made your stomach feel light. "I'll help you."

You returned his smile. "Thank you."

After dinner, you helped your mother clear the table, get the leftovers into containers that went into the fridge, and wash the dishes. Once you were finished in the kitchen, you headed out into the back with Alex in tow. "We have to make sure everything's locked up," you explained as you walked, "and set the traps for the night."

"Gotcha." You were surprised when he didn't question what the traps were for, but you quickly reminded yourself he had a farm of his own; he probably set traps, too.

While you set about making sure the stables, barn, henhouse, and pens were all locked, Alex worked on the traps. Somehow, he knew exactly what to do without you telling him, and as you passed him on your way to the henhouse, your brows furrowed. "How do you know how to set them?"

He looked up at you from where he was sat in the grass. "I have these traps on my farm. They're the cheapest an' the most convenient."

"Oh." Now you felt a bit silly for asking.

Once you were both finished, you made your way back inside, making sure to lock the back door behind you. While you'd helped your mother in the kitchen, she'd told you she'd already made up one of the guest bedrooms for Alex to stay in, so you led him upstairs and down the hall, stopping in front of the last room on the right. "My room's right across the hall," you said, looking up at him, "so if you need anything, just let me know."

"Okay." He smiled at you. "Thanks, Y/N. Have a good night."

"You too, Alex." You watched as he stepped into the bedroom and flashed you one last smile before shutting the door.

•••••

By the time morning came in the form of rays of light filtering through the window and incessant bird calls from nearby trees, you had forgotten Alex was staying for a few days, not just last night. In fact, you’d nearly forgotten about Alex entirely, resulting in you letting out a yelp when the door to guest bedroom across the hall creaked open to reveal a human figure. A ghost? No one had stayed in that bedroom since your relatives came for the holidays. Your house was haunted, you needed to tell your parents -

“Y/N?” The sound of Alex’s voice was like a lighthouse in the storm, clearing the dark clouds that obscured your vision. No ghost - just the man you thought was a cowboy. You made a note to ask him about that again later.

“Oh …” You cleared your throat, crossing your arms over your chest and leaning against the doorway of your own room. “Hey.”

He cocked an eyebrow at you and leaned against his doorway, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He still wasn’t dressed, you noticed. He was like you and ate before getting ready for the day. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

You stared at him, opening your mouth to respond and closing it again when you had nothing to say. Finally, you looked away and mumbled, “I forgot you were here.”

He barked out a laugh at that. “Did you now? Guess I scared ya, huh? Sorry ‘bout that.”

You didn't say a word and quickly headed for the stairs.

You saw your mother setting plates on the dining table, but your father was nowhere to be found. Confused, you asked, “Where’s papa?”

“He went to go talk to John ‘bout his horse, remember?”

Oh. No, you didn’t remember.

Breakfast went by quickly, with neither you nor Alex saying much. Once you were done eating, you went back upstairs to get dressed, then headed outside to tend to your morning chores. Your first stop - the henhouse.

You set down the wicker basket you’d brought with you on the ground and hauled the sack of chicken feed up into your arms, grunting with the effort. You did an awkward little waddle around the yard, scattering feed as you went. Once you were satisfied with the coverage, you set the sack back down by the henhouse, then picked your wicker basket back up. You undid the locking mechanism and opened the henhouse doors, immediately greeted with a cacophony of clucks. “Good morning to you, too,” you hummed, watching as the hens headed down the wooden ramp in a single file line.

As you poked your head inside, examining their nests, you heard a voice behind you. “Any luck today?” Alex.

You straightened up and deposited the few eggs you’d found into the basket. “Just a few,” you said, looking up at him. “What are you doing out here?”

He shrugged, watching as one of the hens pecked at his boot. “I was gonna see if ya wanted t’ take Lizzie for a ride once you were done.”

You smiled at him. “I’d love to.”

His gaze snapped up to meet yours, and he returned your smile. “D’you need any help?”

“Actually, yeah …”

With Alex’s help, you were able to get the rest of your chores done with ease. Having someone help you made it all go by much faster, and you were already dreading the day he’d have to leave. Maybe you would need to remind your father of the idea he’d had of hiring a farm hand.

You stood and watched as he opened the stall door, stepping inside to get the saddle and reins back onto Lizzie. “Is she the feisty type?”

He snorted. “Hell no. She’s a real sweetheart.”

You stepped aside so he could lead Lizzie out of the stall and followed behind him as he took her out of the stables. The two of you (three, technically) headed for the forest behind your house; it was your idea to take the unofficial path you’d trekked with your horse a number of times before. You came to a stop outside the tree line, and Alex held his hand out to you. You knew you didn’t need help getting onto Lizzie’s back, and you knew Alex probably knew that too, but you took his hand anyway, hauling yourself up onto the horse and clutching the front of her saddle to steady yourself. Alex hopped on behind you, his chest almost touching your back as he reached around you to grab the reins. You knew the close contact couldn’t be helped, but that didn’t stop you from blushing at the proximity.

He tapped the side of his boot against Lizzie’s side, urging her into an idle trot as he directed her into the forest. The scene was like something out of a fantasy novel: a couple of downed trees lined the path, covered in overgrown moss; you could make out the occasional cluster of mushrooms; and sunlight filtered down through the trees branches overhead, casting the path you were navigating in an otherworldly glow. You were half expecting fairies to start whizzing by. Behind you, Alex let out a low whistle. “This sure is pretty.”

You nodded. “I like coming out here when I can with my horse.”

“And what’s ‘er name?”

“It’s embarrassing,” you mumbled.

That only piqued his curiosity. “Embarrassin’? How could it be embarrassin’?”

You sucked in a breath before quickly muttering, “Twilightsparkle.”

“Sorry?” His knee bumped against the back of your thigh; whether intentionally or not, you didn’t know. “You’re gonna have t’ repeat that one for me.”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

Silence followed.

And then, in possibly the most mortifying outcome, he guffawed. “Twilight Sparkle?”

“I got her when I was a child,” you said defensively. “I wasn’t exactly a name aficionado.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” he chuckled. “Ain’t that one of the … oh, what’s that show-“

“My Little Pony,” you mumbled.

You could feel him nodding behind you. “Yeah, My Little Pony. You liked it when you were young, then?”

You nodded. Suddenly, you thought it wouldn’t be so bad if a giant hole opened up in the ground and swallowed you. “Twilight Sparkle was my favorite character, so when my parents got me my own horse, it felt fitting. I call her Twilight for short.”

“Just Twilight is less embarrassin’ than throwin’ the sparkle on.”

“You don’t have to keep rubbing it in, you know.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He chuckled again. “Definitely not the worst thing you coulda named ‘er, though.”

You rose an eyebrow and looked at him over your shoulder. “There are worse things?”

“Lot worse.”

“Like what?”

He grew silent, his expression turning to one of contemplation as he mulled it over. “One o’ my friends in the mountains is like you - got a horse when he was a kid. He named ‘im, uh … what’s the full thing …” Another few seconds of silent thought, and then he smiled. “Armageddon the Destroyer. The Third. Dunno where the first two came from.”

It took every last bit of restraint you had to not burst into giggles. “Armageddon the Destroyer the Third?”

He nodded. “He’s still got that damn horse, too. Likes to just call him Destroyer now.”

“Which friend of yours is this?”

“Matt Helders. If ya ever get to meet ‘im, don’t tell him I told you all this. He’ll throw me off the nearest mountain.”

You didn’t think you ever would meet him, but you made a mental note to keep this story to yourself if you did.

The three of you (it was only fair to count Lizzie, you thought) continued down the path, falling into a tranquil silence. You pet Lizzie’s mane and occasionally scratched behind her ears, eliciting a sound that you assumed was her way of showing appreciation.

Abruptly, you asked, “Are you a cowboy?”

There was a pause. “You asked that yesterday.”

“Yeah, and you didn’t get to answer.”

“Hm …” He sighed. “I certainly look the part, don’t I?”

“Yeah.”

“I guess technically, yeah, although, er, I don’t really go around callin’ myself one.”

That was fair, you supposed. “So is it, like, a generational thing?”

“Yeah. My dad was one, his dad was one, so on and so forth … the farm life’s the only thing I’ve ever known.”

“Do you like it?”

“Like it?” He snorted. “I wouldn’t trade it for a damn thing.”

You were going to be sad to see Alex go.

•••••

“I’m taking a bath,” you called down the stairs.

There was a beat of silence, then your mother called back, “Okay!”

It was the night before Alex would be leaving. He’d been an incredibly helpful guest; he’d always helped with chores without having to be asked, and your father thought him especially helpful because he kept you out of his hair whenever you got bored. You’d been taken out on Lizzie a number of times, told dozens of stories from Alex’s childhood and adulthood, and he’d even played songs for you on the acoustic guitar your father owned but never used. For the first time in years, probably, it’d gone a day without collecting dust.

You shut the door to the bathroom and stepped over to the tub, making sure to plug the drain before turning the faucet on and watching as the water began to rain down. As you waited, your thoughts drifted back to Alex - not just the stories he’d shared or the skill with which he’d played your father’s guitar, but the way he made you feel. You didn’t really like it; for one, you weren’t used to feeling that way about people, but you also knew nothing could ever come out of it. He was going off to the mountains to see his friends, and after that, you’d probably never see him again. He was always destined to just be a blip in your world. Plus, you felt incredibly silly for feeling anything at all, considering it’d only been a few days. Maybe you just needed to talk to people more often …

Once the tub was filled, you turned the faucet off and stripped out of your clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor. You stepped into the tub and sank down into the warm water, letting out a sigh of relief; it was an instant balm to your aching bones. You closed your eyes, content to think of literally anything, but your brain kept wandering back to Alex. His perfect eyes, his perfect smile, his perfect beard and perfect chest and perfect arms and perfect legs and perfect ass that you had unashamedly stared at once. Okay, maybe you were ashamed now, but at the time, you'd had to pinch your arm just to get yourself to stop staring like an idiot. You were hopeless.

You had seen him shirtless once. On one of the days where there was too much work and it was too hot to do it all. You were convinced you were going to explode when you saw him, chest and abs bared and sweating in the summer heat. He was probably used to being shirtless in weather like that, but that didn't mean you were prepared to see it. When he'd seen you gawking like a fool, he'd apologized and offered to put his shirt back on, but you'd told him it was okay and that he didn't have to under the guise of not wanting him to overheat. Deep down, though, you wanted to be able to ogle him, just for a little longer.

Were you only physically attracted to him? That thought haunted you like an unseen phantom as you worked shampoo into your wet hair. Of course he was attractive - he had the perfect body, in your eyes - but was that the only reason he appealed to you? You didn't think it was; you knew it would be a lot easier to get over his absence if that was just the case.

He would be gone tomorrow morning.

That became your mantra for the rest of your bath, and you kept repeating it to yourself as you dried off, emptied the tub, and got dressed for bed. He would be gone tomorrow morning. You left the bathroom and headed down the hall, stepping into your room. He would be gone tomorrow morning. You shut your door and let yourself succumb to the warmth and comfort of your bed, making sure to turn your bedside lamp off before drifting off to sleep. He would be gone tomorrow morning.

“Hey. Y/N. Wake up.”

“Huh?” You forced your eyes open and stared up at the partially illuminated figure that hovered above you. "Alex?" you mumbled. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanna show you somethin'," he whispered.

"It's late. Can't you show me in the morning?"

"Nope." He shook his head for emphasis. "Gotta show ya now."

You felt like a parent arguing with their child.

You forced yourself out of bed and slipped your shoes on at his request before following him out of your room and downstairs. You were expecting to go out the front door, but he led you through the back, making sure to be extra quiet to avoid waking your parents until you were both outside. You were both still in your pajamas, and you were still trying to blink the sleepiness out of your eyes. You followed him into the forest behind your house, confusion settling across your features when he suddenly deviated from your usual path and led you to a different part of the forest. What the hell was he doing?

Eventually, he stopped, and you nearly crashed into him. "We're here."

"You dragged me outside in the middle of the night for-" The words died out in your throat as you realized what you were seeing.

You'd never gone this deep into the forest before, so you had no idea a scene like this even existed. The trees opened up in a wide circle, revealing a little pond surrounded by different stones. The grass was soft as it brushed against your ankles, and flowers were scattered all across the ground, practically beaming up at you. You felt like you'd stepped into some pocket dimension.

"Come on." Alex nudged you and stepped further into the clearing, and it was at that moment that you became aware of the blanket tucked under his left arm.

Your brows furrowed. "What's the blanket for?"

You watched as he laid it out in the grass, making sure it was neat and straight and there weren't any rocks hiding under it for your body to find before straightening up and smiling softly at you. "Stargazin'."

Oh. You weren't annoyed at him for waking you up anymore.

You walked over and sat down on the blanket, removing your shoes and setting them off to the side before stretching yourself out. You stared up at the sky, mystified by the sheer number of stars you could see. "It's so pretty," you breathed.

"I was hopin' you'd like it."

You turned your head to look at him as he laid beside you. "Did you find this just for me?"

He nodded, his smile turning a bit sheepish. "I'd sorta stumbled on it the other day when I was out here. I've been meanin' to show it to you."

"Thank you, Alex."

"Ah, don't mention it." He turned his head to look up at the stars, and you stared at him for a beat too long before doing the same.

Silence consumed the both of you, broken by the occasional chirp or drone of some nearby insect. You didn't know what possessed you to shatter the silence and say anything, but after a few minutes, you quietly confessed, "I don't want you to go."

It took a couple of seconds for Alex to respond. "Why not?"

"I don't know." You crumpled up the fabric of your shirt between your fingers. "The last few days have been really nice, and I don't really want all this to end."

"I can't say I'm particularly fond o' goin', either," he mumbled, letting out a sigh afterwards. "I'd like to see my friends, of course, but ... y'know."

"Yeah."

Another minute passed, and then he rolled onto his side, propping his head up on his hand as his elbow dug into the blanket. "Y/N, can I ask you somethin'?"

"You just did, technically," you said, looking up at him.

He rolled his eyes. "Okay, smartass. You know what I mean."

"Go ahead."

"Have you ever ..." He trailed off, his expression growing pensive as he searched for the right words. "You ever left home before?"

You blinked in surprise. You weren't sure what you'd been expecting him to ask, but it wasn't that. "Uh ... no. Why?"

He shrugged, as if to brush it off and act nonchalant, but you could tell he was hiding something. "Just thought I'd ask."

"You're a bad liar, Alex."

"Why would I be lyin'?"

"I don't know. Why are you lying?"

He sighed. "I guess ... I dunno. It'd be nice if I could bring ya with me. I think you'd like my friends."

Oh. There was that fluttering sensation in your stomach. "You want me to go with you?"

"It'd be nice if you could," he corrected. "Way too late for that to get worked out. Plus, your parents might kill me. Or your dad would. Your mom's a real sweetheart."

"She does hate killing bugs," you mused. You thought on what he'd just said. "Why would you want me to go with you?"

He looked off at the pond, growing silent as he tried to figure out how to say whatever was on his mind. You waited patiently, and eventually, your patience paid off. "I think I'm growin' attached to you."

You stared at him. "What?"

He looked down at you. "I said it in English."

You wanted to slap him. "What do you mean, you're-"

"I like ya, Y/N. As in, I think you're cute, and maybe I wanna kiss ya."

If you were going to explode when you saw him shirtless, you were sure you were about to turn into a nuclear bomb.

"Oh," you managed.

He rose an eyebrow. "Oh? Is that it?"

"Well, I mean-" You sat up and turned your head to look at him. "I don't think ... I'd mind it if you kissed me," you mumbled.

He stared at you, his eyes widening minutely before going back to their original size. Now it was his turn to say, "Oh." He cleared his throat and sat up fully, looking down at the blanket you were sat on. He eventually looked back up at you. "So ... can I-"

You cut him off by crashing your lips against his.

It took him no time at all to react. His hand went to the nape of your neck, pulling you closer as your mouths slotted together perfectly. You didn't want this moment to end, but too soon was he pulling away to stare down at you. "Christ," he breathed. He dipped his head down to kiss you again, and again, and again. The onslaught of pecks made you giggle. Your blood was practically singing in your veins.

When he finally stopped kissing you, you smiled up at him. "I didn't realize cowboys were such softies."

He scowled, although you could tell there was no real malice behind it. "What, am I supposed to act all mean an' tough around a cute girl?"

Now it was your turn to roll your eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Call me cute again, and I'll get a big head.

"You'd still look cute if your head was the size of the moon," he hummed, leaning in to kiss you one last time.

You wrapped your arms around his waist and squeezed yourself closer to him, listening to his heart as it thrummed against his ribcage. "The next time you go to visit your friends, you should take me with you," you mumbled.

He pressed a tender kiss to the top of your head and murmured, "It's a deal, sweetheart."

"And I promise I won't bring up Armageddon the Destroyer the Third in front of Matt."

He let out a breathless chuckle and pinched your side, making you yelp. "If you do, I'm leavin' you up there to deal with him."

tags: @elexnorislingtxn / @edandmollydeservebetter / @sagegreensimmr / @billyseye / @supernaturalandpain / @not-a-big-slay

[xx-theblack-vixen-xx]

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@vixen-infodumps I post stuff here when i don't want to bug my main blog's followers I AM MUCH MORE ACTIVE ON THIS BLOG

@vixen-hornytimes where i post suggestive stuff!!

@methirstingforcharacters you get the idea @starbies-hellhole My TADC oc rp Blog!

@vixen-vent Where i post/reblog vent posts

@maker-of-shitposts pretty empty, random shit that crosses my mind

@askcupcrossovers MY MOST POPULAR BLOG, ITS A CUPHEAD ASK BLOG THAT YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT! (HIATUS)

@ask-the-aces-casino My casino oc ask blog!

@ask-solo-and-casino-cups MY CASINO CUPS OC ASK BLOG!!

@ask-outoforder EMPTY FOR NOW! BUT IS IN THE SAME UNIVERSE AS @ask-the-aces-casino!! (i might even make a crossover episode!!!!)

((The discord has been deleted for reasons i don’t want to talk about)) :(

A list of fandoms i'm into is:

Cuphead, Batim, hollow knight, Undertale/Deltarune, FNaF, Minecraft,

tadc, dhmis (show and web series), the world of Mr. plant,

Invader zim, the dragon prince, ROTTMNT, TMNT 2012, Mutant mayhem, HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, DINOTRUX, TRANSFORMERS PRIME,

DEAD PLATE, YOUR BOYFRIEND, JOHN DOE, MY DEAR HATCHET MAN, GAVRIL,

the owl house, svtfoe, gravity falls, dead end (paranormal park),

Hazbin hotel, helluva boss, lackadaisy, murder drones,

Demon slayer, Boku no hero academia, death note, SPY x FAMILY, fairy tail.

THIS WILL BE UPDATED OVER TIME!!

A FOOL’S GUIDE WHEN YOU’RE GONE

SOME FAV POSTS OF MINE

ALL TAKES/Hair…? / TRANS COWBOY SHARK?! (Mine)

VIXEN’S SCIENCE RAMBLES:

SHARKS WERE PREY ANIMALS?! /

Vixen posts about characters nobody likes:

Starscream memes #1 /

[natalieleif]

UPDATE: I finally got stuck and went on Youtube beat Undertale Yellow! All in all, I really liked it! It's infested that part of my brain where things go that are fun enough to invest time in, but also have enough scattered potential for some really good fanfic/art.

I do agree with a lot of the critiques, and I'm glad to see a lot of stuff added in Version 1.1 to make life easier (bug fixes, Easy Mode, recovery items, etc). I'm hoping there's a 1.2 version later that adds even more quality-of-life. That said, a lot of the critiques aren't... really... things that seem feasible for a patch update. ("Make the character art more monstrous!" You mean, redraw every sprite in the game!?!)

So with that in mind, here are some things I'd love to see in 1.2 that are maybe (hopefully!) easier for a freelance dev team. Spoilers below!

Adjusted mechanics/dialogue for bosses that have no reason to kill you. This is most obvious with Starlo and Martlet's Pacifist fights--both are friendly and reluctant towards murder, so their Pacifist fights ending in death or defeat feels... odd? Compare to Toriel or Papyrus: one will adjust her attacks to never hit if you take too much damage, and another will cut his battle entirely if you hit 1 hp. A similar form of 1-hp cutoff or "Oops, that was an accident!" Game Over dialogue would match their motivations a lot better.

Related to the above, offer a Skip option for any battle the player's lost 3+ times. This is a common video game handicap, and one I always support in story-heavy games like this. A lot of feedback I've seen is from people who want to love the story but struggled with Sir Slither's ACT pattern or Axis's breakout puzzle, so this is an easy way to get most people to finish the game.

Have Dalv gift you any items you missed in the Ruins as a "thank you" for Clover's support. This patch would solve two immediate concerns: that Dalv doesn't have a larger role, and that many players will miss items like the Golden Pear. Sure, Dalv sends a letter to Clover, but the incentive to go back to Snowdin at that point is low. Having some sort of item reward makes it an active part of an average game run and lets more players see Dalv post-Ruins.

Call the Sunnyside Farm a Ranch like it's called in the files. Okay, this one's just for me, but it being a Ranch makes way more thematic sense for the cowboy area.

Let Ace run the card game at least once in the Wild East. Seriously, it's kinda weird that he doesn't. I understand why he can't while he's napping, but the other times??

Edit Ceroba's post-Starlo Pacifist fight dialogue to make it more clear that she's taking you on the fastest shortcut to Asgore. The main critique with the third act to Pacifist route is that it very quickly becomes Ceroba's plot about finding Kanako. And because it's framed as a hunt for Kanako, the dialogue becomes a rush of info about who Kanako is and why this side-plot should matter to you, the player. But at this point we've already done a side-plot, and most players are antsy to get to the end game. Yet the Steamworks really is the only route to Hotland in that area! Having Ceroba guide the player through what they think is a spooky shortcut to the End Boss fits the story, braces the player for the finale, and lets the TALK dialogue with Ceroba build up naturally through the lab, so her betrayal about Kanako has more time to build up and hurts more as a final boss fight.

That's all I got! Thanks for reading, and feel free to reblog with your own wants for a 1.2 patch!

[perfectpaperbluebirds]

Birdie’s Library of Sick

Here is a complete list of my longer fics. Regularly updated as I post, including all posted Sicktember fics. Full steam ahead for sneezes + fevers!

List is now revamped! Organized alphabetically by fandom/AU, then chronologically by date posted (for fandoms) or by character timeline (for OCs). Because I’m a nerd and I wanted all my darlings to be grouped together most efficiently.  Fics marked *** are my favorite of the things I’ve written... my greatest hits, if you will. Those are the ones I come back to read time and again when I’m in certain moods. Please check those out if you haven’t before, and reblogs are always appreciated!

Also, I have even longer stuff posted on AO3 under the same name (PerfectPaperBluebirds) so head on over there for even more sickfic goodness.

My ask box is always open for prompts! I’m always up to try something new, so if there's any aesthetics you want to see, please send them my way :)

Fandom

The Black Tapes Podcast:

Better Now 

(SKT ‘21) Sneezing 

***(SKT ‘22) Care Package 

(SKT ‘23) “But if you stay, you’ll get sick too.” 

Bridget Jones’s Diary:

(SKT ‘22) Taking a Sick Day (Bridget Jones’s Diary)

(SKT ‘23) Consulting the Internet 

Criminal Minds:

(SKT ‘21) Nebulizer (Sick Reid)

(SKT ‘21) Warm Soup (Sick Hotch)

Colder Weather (Sick Hotch)

Maybe Tomorrow Will Be Better (Sick Reid)

(SKT ‘23) Sick and Injured (Sick Morgan)

Encanto:

***(SKT ‘22) A Cry For Attention (Sick Bruno)

(SKT ‘23) Hiding an Illness (Sick Julieta)

Grey’s Anatomy:

(Secret Santa ‘22) To Make You Well (Sick Derek)

(SKT ‘23) “Did you just sneeze?” (Meredith Allergies)

Hannibal [TV]

***House Calls Pt. 1 (Sick Will)

***House Calls Pt. 2  (Sick Hannibal)

(SKT ‘21) Asleep on the Couch (Sick Will)

(SKT ‘21) Sick at Work (Everyone sick)

(SKT ‘22) Common Cold (Sick Hannibal)

(SKT ‘22) Tepid Bath (Sick Will)

SKT ‘23 Hopelessly Bad at Self Care (Sick Will)

Howl’s Moving Castle:

(SKT ‘21) Sneaky Temperature Check (Sick Sophie)

(SKT ‘23) Coughing Fit (Sick Howl)

Jurassic World: 

***(SKT ‘21) I’m Not Sick (Jurassic World)

(SKT ‘23) White Coat Syndrome

Knives Out:

(SKT ‘21) Headache/Migraine 

(SKT ‘21) Appendicitis [emeto]

(SKT ‘23) Beginner’s Guide to Faking Sick 

Letterkenny:

***(SKT ‘21) Bed Rest 

(SKT ‘21) Hot Water Bottle 

***Tender Loathing Care 

(SKT ‘23) Preventative Measures (Not Taken) 

MCU:

***(SKT ‘21) Fever [Sick Clint]

(SKT ‘21) Medicine (MCU Avengers AU) [Sick no serum Steve]

(SKT ‘22) Painkillers [Sick Tony]

(SKT ‘22) Hangover [Sick Thor] [emeto]

***(SKT ‘22) 'Great. Now I Have Your Germs All Over Me.’ [Sick Clint and Natasha]

(SKT ‘22) Seasonal Allergies [Sick Clint]

(SKT ‘22) Nausea/Upset Stomach [Sick Bruce] [emeto]

***(SKT ‘22) Whining/Crying [Sick Natasha]

(SKT ‘22) VapoRub [Sick Bucky]

(SKT ‘22) Lethargy/Exhaustion [Sick Steve]

(SKT ‘23) “I should have stayed home.” [Sick Steve)

New Girl:

(SKT ‘21) Faking it (Sick Jess)

(SKT ‘21) Ginger Ale and Crackers [emeto] (Sick guys)

(SKT ‘23) “What happened to your phenomenal immune system, huh?” (Sick Schmidt)

The Office:

(SKT ‘21) Chicken Pox (Sick Jim Halpert)

(SKT ‘21) Quarantine (Sick Michael Scott)

(SKT ‘22) Intense Coddling (Sick Ryan Howard)

What A Lovely Way to Burn (Sick Ryan Howard)

(SKT ‘23) Patient Zero (Sick Andy Bernard) 

Pride and Prejudice:

A Darcy Day Off

Reunion 

***(SKT ‘21) Contagious

***(SKT ‘21) Stay (Follow-up to Contagious)

Cold Comfort 

Eyes On You 

(SKT ‘23) “Wear a coat, you’ll catch cold.” 

Star Wars:

***(SKT ‘21) Aches and Pains [the Mandalorian]

(SKT ‘21) Unlikely Caregiver (Rey and Kylo)

***Safe and Warm (Follow-up to Aches and Pains )

(SKT ‘23) “I shouldn’t be worried about you, but for some reason I am.” (Rey and Kylo)

Historical/Fantasy OCs

Cowboy ‘Verse:

***(SKT ‘22) Home remedy

(SKT ‘23) Persistent Fever 

DnD OCs (Filius, Gundor, Kandry, Lorellyn):

***(SKT ‘21) Blankets

(SKT ‘22) ‘Do You Know How To Take Care of a Sick Person?’ 

***(SKT ‘22) Sleepless Night/s 

(SKT ‘23) Quest for a Cure 

Navy Man OCs (Capt. Michael Ingram):

Tidings of Comfort (Holiday fic 2021) [emeto]

(SKT ‘22) Homesick 

(SKT ‘22) ‘I Might Be A Teeny Tiny Bit Sick, But It’s Fine.’ (Follow-up to Tidings of Comfort)

(SKT ‘23) Sick in an Inconvenient Place 

Roaring Twenties ‘Verse (Jesse Hamilton):

(SKT ‘21) Missing Out (Roaring Twenties, Holiday fic) [emeto]

(SKT ‘23) Terms of Endearment/Nicknames

Plague Doctor OCs (Alastair and Eliza):

***The Doctor Is In... the Inn 

(SKT ‘22) Soft Pajamas

(SKT ‘23) Confused/Disoriented 

Science Lovers OCs (Peter and Violet):

***Under the Willow 

(SKT ‘22) Sunburn

(SKT ‘23) Old Wives Tale

Sorcerer ‘Verse OCs (Elmrador Renata and Co.):

Spells and Sneezes

Powers and Flowers 

(SKT ‘22) ‘Blow Your Nose’ 

***Curses and Comforts (Follow-up to Powers and Flowers )

(SKT ‘23) Magical Remedy/Healing Potion [emeto]

Sprite Kingdom (Aleander the Healer)

Icing and Frosting (Sprite Kingdom)

(SKT ‘23) Side Effects/Adverse Reaction 

Vicar ‘Verse OCs (Nicholas and Lydia Lennox):

***A Virus for the Vicar

(SKT ‘22) ‘Get Back in Bed!’ 

(SKT ‘23) Anxious Stomach [emeto]

Wagon Train OCs (Dan and Ella)

Here Comes the Sun 

The Weather Outside Is Frightful

(SKT ‘23) Uncooperative Patient 

Historical/Fantasy OC one-offs (for now):

An Artist’s Study on Illness (Italian Artists)

To the Place I Belong (Vampire ‘Verse, Halloween 2022)

Modern OCs

CottageVersity OCs (Tenbusch family):

***Mess Is Mine (Thad & JB, JB sick)

***(SKT ‘22) Psychogenic Fever/Stress Induced Illness (Thad & JB, JB sick)

(SKT ‘22) Cold Sweat (Theo sick)

[CW: Homophobia] The Last Christmas (All, Thad & JB sick)

[the Meet-cute!] Pretty Girls and Starting Conversations (Thalia & Padma, Thalia sick)

(SKT ‘23) “The only place we’re going is the pharmacy.” (Thalia sick)

Holding Onto Me So Tight (Thad & JB, both sick) 

Sick of It (All, Theo/JB/Padma sick)

***Miserable At Best  (All sick)

(SKT ‘22) Cuddling on the Couch (Thalia & Padma, Padma sick)

Priest ‘Verse (Father Luc and Flora):

I Can Go No Longer (Sick priest)

Cheer My Wearied Spirit (Sick Flora)

***(SKT ‘22) Tickle in the Throat [Sick priest] (The Beginning Pt. 1)

Feel My Temperature Rising [Sick Priest] (The Beginning Pt. 2)

(SKT ‘23) Curled Up With a Pet (Sick priest) 

Rockstar ‘Verse (Vic and Addison):

***(SKT ‘22) Syncope/Fainting 

(SKT ‘23) “You’re a jerk when you’re sick.” 

Shane and Molly (Shmolly):

[the Meet-cute!] Let Your Heart Be Light (Sick Shane)

(SKT ‘22) ‘I Need You To Pull Over!’ (Sick Shane) [emeto]

***(SKT ‘21) Doctor’s Visit/Check Up (Sick Shane)

Under the Weather Pt. 1 (Sick Shane)

Under the Weather Pt. 2 (Both Sick)

***(SKT ‘22) Sick On Vacation (Sick Molly)

***Without You (Sick Shane)

We’ll Share A Cup of Kindness Yet (Both Sick)

***Never Gonna Leave This Bed (Both Sick)

(SKT ‘23) “I could really use a hug right about now.” (Sick Shane) 

Modern OC one-offs (for now):

Hospitality (Banquets and Events OCs)

Book Club (Business Boutique OCs)

Domestic Drabble #97 (In F [lu] Major)

[whimsy-wallfish]

{ intro } current project -> roux

{ rowan , they them , eighteen }

i post :

------ join my taglists!

poetry, and flash fiction. updates on my longer writing projects, as well as musing on various subjects and books ive read. writing prompts.

about me :

i am an artist, as well as a new writer! i have five cats.. so many, as it should be. i am an amature mushroom forager, when theyre in season. im interested in exploring dark themes in my work, especially mental illness. ive kinda gotten back into reading this year!! i am also.. enthusiastic about vampires. you may hear of this..

{ tag guide }

current projects - novel wip; roux , short stories; send back duplicates, abomasum zine

other's writing - other's writing,

reading - currently reading

all poetry - wallfishpoetry,

all prose - wallfishprose

writing by subject - on eds, on drvgs, on love, on paranoia, on dissociation, on queerness, on creativity, on memory, nsfw (18+)

hypothetical recipient - to my love,

writing prompts - wallfishprompts

idea inspo reblogs - story idea, misc inspo, sheepdog story, vampire-cowboy story

{ creativity i enjoy }

television - russian doll, the good place, the walking dead, elfen lied, shameless, bojack horseman, inventing anna, midnight mass

film - rocky horror picture show, sweeny todd, the vvitch, snowpiercer

books - exquisite corpse by poppy z brite,

short stories - borrasca by ck walker,

poetry - crush by richard siken, MY MUTUAL CEADGEARST (i hope he never sees this lmaoooo But If He Does . i think ur poetry is good man , ur one of my fav poets

musicals - the falsettos,

music - type o negative, the smiths, the cure, the chameleons, agent orange, black flag, tsol, sad lovers and giants, theateres des vampires, paralyzed age, the sisters of mercy, jack off jill, local h, dig, HOLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;!,, the distillers, the garden, bloody dead and sexy, the killing joke, my chemical romance, acid bath, sludge, rudamentary peni, angelfish, fugazi, plastic noir, they might be giants, daisy chainsaw, greta, magazine, the birthday party, church of the cosmic skull, death (the proto-punk one), garbage, mindless self indulgence, the misfits, sex gang children

(just ignore its 90% music i dont watch much media, mostly youtube ,media analysis. media itself isnt stimulating enough for me unless im like activily highlighting shit.)

{ other social media }

art instagram - wispywallfish

personal instagram - lichennn__

(my personal is private but feel free to request!! ill accept jf ur accounts not blank or off)

nanowrimo - wispywallfish

goodreads - wispywallfish

[hisvaginabones]

Uhhh tiny shitty pinned post until I get back home and I can try making a better one, um, KIDS BE GONE!!!

≛ Something wicked this way comes. ≛

My name is Tank/Chank or Tachanka if you want to be formal, I'm 18

I mainly use He/Him and Xe/Xim prns! ≛[ DONT use they/them or xey/xem for me ]≛

I'm a gay transsexual butch man, I'm happily taken

I censor with numbers and cyrillic characters interchangeably, idk why but I feel like I should clarify this

This is my adult stuff alt, my follows+likes come from my main (D******C******5)

≛[ INTERESTS, BOUNDARIES, K1/NK5 N F3T1/SH3S, TAGS & DNI UNDER CUT ]≛

≛ Interests :

✯ Tнe Siмs 2 (Sтr4иgэt0wn + GВA) ✯

✯ Tэаm Fфrтrэss 2 ✯

✯ Art, character creation and music ✯

✯ Queer vexillology and coining ✯

[ Fandoms are censored so this wont show up in the search function ]

[ This list will probably be updated ]

≛ Boundaries :

- I dont feel comfortable with women flirting with me. Interacting with some posts might also be iffy. [I'll probably add a tag or banner that makes it clear which are ok and not!]

- Don't force scenes, nicknames, petnames or k1/nk5 on me.

- No дnдl unless otherwise consented to/agreed on.

- Don't talk about 1ncэst with me, it doesn't matter if its faux, just dont, I'll straight up just block you.

[ This list will probably be updated ]

≛ Unfinished F3t/1sh + K1/nk list :

- Forcemasc and euphoria-play 𖦹

- FAT!!!!!!!!!! 𖦹

- Blood, weapons, fighting, injuries, ect. 𖦹𖤐

- Pэtplay, B/D/S/M, bodymods, roleplay, (classics) 𖦹

- Military/army 𖦹𖤐

- Powerplay, accents, cowboys, dдddу* and sir used as titles, 4ge-g4p, subdrop* 𖦹

- Masculinity (hyper, toxic & healthy) 𖦹

- Emasculation (shaming, size dif, power dynamics, ect.) 𖦹

- N0nc0n, CNC and intox 𖦹𖤐

- Homophobia* 𖦹

- Str8-to-gay orientation play

- Juggalos, punks, metalheads 𖦹

- Dombreaking* and brat-taming*

- Objects, terato and slashers 𖦹𖤐

- Gore, cannibalism, horror, bodyhorror, self-inflicted harm, ect. 𖦹𖤐

- дbu5e, gr00ming*, forcefem* 𖤐

≛ [short] Misc 𖤐 list :

- 💀* 𖦹

- Aliens 𖦹

- Werewolves 𖦹

- Guns, knives, axes, basically any and all weapons

- Zombies

- Plushies

- P1ss

- Fцcked up housewife forcefem* (lobotomies, dehumanization, ect.)

≛ Nicknames/petnames :

𖦹 Mutt, weapon, soldier/cadet/private/recruit/trainee/newbie, loser/freak/pervert/sicko, pup/puppy, boy/man, derogatory terms* 𖦹

Kid/kiddo*, son/sonny*, lad/laddie/mate, partner*/pardner, princess*, dog/hound, lamb*, piggie*

𖦹 Fav / Main

𖤐 Para

* Only with my partner, close friends or if explicitly asked/consented

[ I am anti-c and pro-recovery for noncon paras ]

[ These lists will probably be updated ]

≛ Tag guide :

#ᛝ Tank Barks ᛝ : My posts

#ᛝ Karhuni ᛝ : Posts abt my boyfriend (Karhuni means "My Bear")

#ᛝ I have to water the shitpost ᛝ : Shitposts / unserious posts

≛ Quick/simple DNI :

F4uxcэst/1ncэsт/1cкy/whatever.

Pэd0/z00/prфsh1p/pr0f1c/ect.

дgepl4y/dd-lg/ab-dl/ect.

Pro/neu/complex contact n0ncфn para.

Anti recovery nфnc0n para.

Gay-to-het orientation play and detrans stuff.

Radqueer + radinclus + transid.

Engage in a lot of queer + system discourse.

TERFs, truscum, transmeds, anti-mogai, anti-nonhuman, ect.

≛[ I will also probably block you if you weird me out or cross my boundaries! This is a very very brief DNI list! ]≛

[reanimatedcourier]

How to Write Indigenous Characters Without Looking like a Jackass:

Update as of December 26th, 2020: I have added a couple new sections about naming and legal terms, as well as a bit of reading on the Cherokee Princess phenomenon.

Boozhoo (hello) Fallout fandom! I'm a card-carrying Anishinaabe delivering this rough guide about writing Indigenous characters because wow, do I see a lot of shit.

Let's get something out of the way first: Fallout's portrayal of Indigenous people is racist. From a vague definition of "tribal" to the claims of them being "savage" and "uncivilized" mirror real-world stereotypes used to dehumanize us. Fallout New Vegas' narrated intro has Ron Perlman saying Mr. House "rehabilitated" tribals to create New Vegas' Three Families. You know. Rehabilitate. As if we are animals. Top it off with an erasure of Indigenous people in the American Southwest and no real tribe names, and you've got some pretty shitty representation. The absence of Native American as a race option in the GECK isn't too great, given that two Native characters are marked "Caucasian" despite being brown. Butch Deloria is a pretty well-known example of this effect. (Addendum: Indigenous people can have any mix of dominant and recessive traits, as well as present different phenotypes. What bothers me is it doesn't accommodate us or mixed people, which is another post entirely.)

As a precautionary warning: this post and the sources linked will discuss racism and genocide. There will also be discussion of multiple kinds of abuse.

Now, your best approach will be to pick a nation or tribe and research them. However, what follows will be general references.

Terms that may come up in your research include Aboriginal/Native Canadian, American Indian/Native American, Inuit, Métis, and Mestizo. The latter two refer to cultural groups created after the discovery of the so-called New World. (Addendum made September 5th, 2020: Mestizo has negative connotations and originally meant "half breed" so stick with referring to your mixed Latine and Indigenous characters as mixed Indigenous or simply by the name of their people [Maya, Nahua].)

As a note, not every mixed person is Métis or Mestizo. If you are, say, Serbian and Anishinaabe, you would be mixed, but not Métis (the big M is important here, as it refers to a specific culture). Even the most liberal definition caps off at French and British ancestry alongside Indigenous (some say Scottish and English). Mestizo works the same, since it refers to descendants of Spanish conquistadors/settlers and Indigenous people.

Trouble figuring out whose land is where? No problem, check out this map.

Drawing

Don't draw us with red skin. It's offensive and stereotypical.

Tutorial for Native Skintones

Tutorial for Mixed Native Skintones

Why Many Natives Have Long Hair (this would technically fit better under another category, but give your Native men long hair!)

If You're Including Traditional Wear, Research! It's Out There

Languages

Remember, there are a variety of languages spoken by Indigenous people today. No two tribes will speak the same language, though there are some that are close and may have loan words from each other (Cree and Anishinaabemowin come to mind). Make sure your Diné (you may know them as Navajo) character doesn't start dropping Cree words.

Here's a Site With a Map and Voice Clips

Here's an Extensive List of Amerindian Languages

Keep in mind there are some sounds that have no direct English equivalents. But while we're at it, remember a lot of us speak English, French, Spanish, or Portuguese. The languages of the countries that colonized us.

Words in Amerindian languages tend to be longer than English ones and are in the format of prefix + verb + suffix to get concepts across. Gaawiin miskwaasinoon is a complete sentence in Anishinaabemowin, for example (it is not red).

Names

Surprisingly, we don't have names like Passing Dawn or Two-Bears-High-Fiving in real life. A lot of us have, for lack of better phrasing, white people names. We may have family traditions of passing a name down from generation to generation (I am the fourth person in my maternal line to have my middle name), but not everyone is going to do that. If you do opt for a name from a specific tribe, make sure you haven't chosen a last name from another tribe.

Baby name sites aren't reliable, because most of the names on there will be made up by people who aren't Indigenous. That site does list some notable exceptions and debunks misconceptions.

Here's a list of last names from the American census.

Indian Names

You may also hear "spirit names" because that's what they are for. You know the sort of mystical nature-related name getting slapped on an Indigenous character? Let's dive into that for a moment.

The concept of a spirit name seems to have gotten mistranslated at some point in time. It is the name Creator calls you throughout all your time both here and in the spirit world. These names are given (note the word usage) to you in a ceremony performed by an elder. This is not done lightly.

A lot of imitations of this end up sounding strange because they don't follow traditional guidelines. (I realize this has spread out of the original circle, but Fallout fans may recall other characters in Honest Hearts and mods that do this. They have really weird and racist results.)

If you're not Indigenous: don't try this. You will be wrong.

Legal Terms

Now, sometimes the legal term (or terms) for a tribe may not be what they refer to themselves as. A really great example of this would be the Oceti Sakowin and "Sioux". How did that happen, you might be wondering. Smoky Mountain News has an article about this word and others, including the history of these terms.

For the most accurate information, you are best off having your character refer to themselves by the name their nation uses outside of legislation. A band name would be pretty good for this (Oglala Lakota, for example). I personally refer to myself by my band.

Cowboys

And something the Fallout New Vegas fans might be interested in, cowboys! Here's a link to a post with several books about Black and Indigenous cowboys in the Wild West.

Representation: Stereotypes and Critical Thought

Now, you'll need to think critically about why you want to write your Indigenous character a certain way. Here is a comprehensive post about stereotypes versus nuance.

Familiarize yourself with tropes. The Magical Indian is a pretty prominent one, with lots of shaman-type characters in movies and television shows. This post touches on its sister tropes (The Magical Asian and The Magical Negro), but is primarily about the latter.

Say you want to write an Indigenous woman. Awesome! Characters I love to see. Just make sure you're aware of the stereotypes surrounding her and other Women of Color.

Word to the wise: do not make your Indigenous character an alcoholic. "What, so they can't even drink?" You might be asking. That is not what I'm saying. There is a pervasive stereotype about Drunk Indians, painting a reaction to trauma as an inherent genetic failing, as stated in this piece about Indigenous social worker Jessica Elm's research. The same goes for drugs. Ellen Deloria is an example of this stereotype.

Familiarize yourself with and avoid the Noble Savage trope. This was used to dehumanize us and paint us as "childlike" for the sake of a plot device. It unfortunately persists today.

Casinos are one of the few ways for tribes to make money so they can build homes and maintain roads. However, some are planning on diversifying into other business ventures.

There's a stereotype where we all live off government handouts. Buddy, some of these long-term boil water advisories have been in place for over twenty years. The funding allocated to us as a percentage is 0.39%: less than half a percent to fight the coronavirus. They don't give us money.

"But what about people claiming to be descended from a Cherokee princess?" Cherokee don't and never had anything resembling princesses. White southerners made that up prior to the Civil War. As the article mentions, they fancied themselves "defending their lands as the Indians did".

Also, don't make your Indigenous character a cannibal. Cannibalism is a serious taboo in a lot of our cultures, particularly northern ones.

Our lands are not cursed. We don't have a litany of curses to cast on white people in found footage films. Seriously. We have better things to be doing. Why on earth would our ancestors be haunting you when they could be with their families? Very egotistical assumption.

Indigenous Ties and Blood Quantum

Blood quantum is a colonial system that was initially designed to "breed out the Indian" in people. To dilute our bloodlines until we assimilated properly into white society. NPR has an article on it here.

However, this isn't how a vast majority of us define our identities. What makes us Indigenous is our connections (or reconnection) to our families, tribes, bands, clans, and communities.

Blood quantum has also historically been used to exclude Black Natives from tribal enrollment, given that it was first based on appearance. So, if you looked Black and not the image of "Indian" the white census taker had in his brain, you were excluded and so were your descendants.

Here are two tumblrs that talk about Black Indigenous issues and their perspectives. They also talk about Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people of Australia.

However, if you aren't Indigenous, don't bring up blood quantum. Don't. This is an issue you should not be speaking about.

Cherokee Princess Myth

"Princess" was not a real position in any tribe. The European idea of monarchy did not suddenly manifest somewhere else. The closest probable approximation may have been the daughter of a chief or other politically prominent person. But princess? No.

Here is an article talking about possible origins of this myth. Several things are of note here: women from other tribes may have bee shoved under this label and the idea of a "Cherokee Princess" had been brought up to explain the sudden appearance of a brown-skinned (read: half Black) family member.

For a somewhat more in depth discussion of why, specifically, this myth gets touted around so often, Timeline has this piece.

Religion

Our religions are closed. We are not going to tell you how we worship. Mostly because every little bit we choose to share gets appropriated. Smudging is the most recent example. If you aren't Indigenous, that's smoke cleansing. Smudging is done in a specific way with ceremonies and prayers.

Now, a lot of us were forcibly converted. Every residential school was run by Christians. So plenty of us are Catholic, Baptist, Anglican, Lutheran, etc. Catholicism in Latin America also has influence from the Indigenous religions in that region.

Having your Indigenous character pray or carry rosaries wouldn't be a bad thing, if that religion was important to them. Even if they are atheist, if they lived outside of a reserve or other Indigenous communities, they might have Christian influences due to its domination of the Western world.

Settler Colonialism and the White Savior Trope

Now we've come to our most painful section yet. Fallout unintentionally has an excellent agent of settler-colonialism, in particular the Western Christian European variety, in Caesar's Legion and Joshua Graham.

(Addendum: Honest Hearts is extremely offensive in its portrayal of Indigenous people, and egregiously shows a white man needing to "civilize" tribals and having to teach them basic skills. These skills include cooking, finding safe water, and defending themselves from other tribes.)

Before we dive in, here is a post explaining the concept of cultural Christianity, if you are unfamiliar with it.

We also need to familiarize ourselves with The White Man's Burden. While the poem was written regarding the American-Philippine war, it still captures the attitudes toward Indigenous folks all over the world at the time.

As this article in Teen Vogue points out, white people like to believe they need to save People of Color. You don't need to. People of Color can save themselves.

Now, cultural Christianity isn't alone on this side of the pond. Writer Teju Cole authored a piece on the White Savior Industrial Complex to describe mission trips undertaken by white missionaries to Africa to feed their egos.

Colonialism has always been about the acquisition of wealth. To share a quote from this paper about the ongoing genocide of Indigenous peoples: "Negatively, [settler colonialism] strives for the dissolution of native societies. Positively, it erects a new colonial society on the expropriated land base—as I put it, settler colonizers come to stay: invasion is a structure not an event. In its positive aspect, elimination is an organizing principal of settler-colonial society rather than a one-off (and superseded) occurrence. The positive outcomes of the logic of elimination can include officially encouraged miscegenation, the breaking-down of native title into alienable individual freeholds, native citizenship, child abduction, religious conversion, resocialization in total institutions such as missions or boarding schools, and a whole range of cognate biocultural assimilations. All these strategies, including frontier homicide, are characteristic of settler colonialism. Some of them are more controversial in genocide studies than others." (Positive, here, is referring to "benefits" for the colonizers. Indigenous people don't consider colonization beneficial.)

An example of a non-benefit, the Church Rock disaster had Diné children playing in radioactive water so the company involved could avoid bad publicity.

Moving on, don't sterilize your Indigenous people. Sterilization, particularly when it is done without consent, has long been used as a tool by the white system to prevent "undesirables" (read, People of Color and disabled people) from having children. Somehow, as of 2018, it wasn't officially considered a crime.

The goal of colonization was to eliminate us entirely. Millions died because of exposure to European diseases. Settlers used to and still do separate our children from us for reasons so small as having a dirty dish in the sink. You read that right, a single dirty dish in your kitchen sink was enough to get your children taken and adopted out to white families. This information was told to me by an Indigenous social work student whose name I will keep anonymous.

It wasn't until recently they made amendments to the Indian Act that wouldn't automatically render Indigenous women non-status if they married someone not Indigenous. It also took much too long for Indigenous families to take priority in child placement over white ones. Canada used to adopt Indigenous out to white American families. The source for that statement is further down, but adoption has been used as a tool to destroy cultures.

I am also begging you to cast aside whatever colonialist systems have told you about us. We are alive. People with a past, not people of the past, which was wonderfully said here by Frank Waln.

Topics to Avoid if You Aren't Indigenous

Child Separation. Just don't. We deserve to remain with our families and our communities. Let us stay together and be happy that way.

Assimilation schools. Do not bring up a tool for cultural genocide that has left lasting trauma in our communities.

W/ndigos. I don't care that they're in Fallout 76. They shouldn't be. Besides, you never get them right anyway.

Sk/nwalkers. Absolutely do not. Diné stories are not your playthings either.

I've already talked about drugs and alcohol. Do your research with compassion and empathy in mind. Indigenous people have a lot of pain and generational trauma. You will need to be extremely careful having your Indigenous characters use drugs and alcohol. If your character can be reduced to their (possible) substance abuse issues, you need to step back and rework it. As mentioned in Jessica Elm's research, remember that it isn't inherent to us.

For our final note: remember that we're complex, autonomous human beings. Don't use our deaths to further the stories of your white characters. Don't reduce us to some childlike thing that needs to be raised and civilized by white characters. We interact with society a little differently than you do, but we interact nonetheless.

Meegwetch (thank you) for reading! Remember to do your research and portray us well, but also back off when you are told by an Indigenous person.

This may be updated in the future, it depends on what information I come across or, if other Indigenous people are so inclined, what is added to this post.

[tetsuroyaoyaoya]

“Yuuji... What are you doing here?” A nervous chuckle escaped you as he took a step closer to you, gulping as you resisted the urge to take one back.

“I live around here, angel. Not everyone can just get up and move to the big city to live a perfect life.” He tilted his head as if he had said the most obvious thing, but you’d known him long enough to recognise the passive aggressive malice hidden beneath those words. 

“I heard you were in town and I just wanted to see how that life was treating you after all these years.” You avoided his eyes as he stared you down, suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable. It had always been like this, you remembered now. Seeing him right in front of you brought back memories you hadn't thought about in years, and you were beginning to panic as it all hit you at once. 

“I-I’m great. It was nice seeing you again.” Putting on a tight smile, you started to back away finally, the only you could think about being that you needed to get away from him as soon as you could manage.  

As soon as you turned away to continue the walk back to the hotel, a hand clasped around your wrist. Your head snapped back, only to see Terushima lean in, his grip pulling you closer to him than you would have liked to be. 

“Now, that’s not very nice, is it? Aren't you going to ask how I've been after so long?” He had that stupid smirk plastered on his pretty face, the one you had fallen in love with back when you were young and naive. 

“I... I really need to be getting back, Yuuji.” Despite you clearly being uncomfortable with the situation, he laughed, letting your arm go, only to back you up against the wall of the building next to you. 

“You think that because you're a big city hotshot now you can just do what you want? You should have never left me, y/n.” You flinched as he rested his palm on your cheek, cupping your face in his hand. His hands were calloused and rough, just how you remembered them being, although, it had you wondering whether or not he had kept up with the sport he loved so much during your high school days. 

“We broke up because you were cheating on me, Yuuji. With a fair few women I might add.” Rolling his eyes, he dropped his hand, shaking his head as if he was displeased with you. 

“And that’s why I love being a model. Women throw themselves at you and don't expect anything in return. That's why I got so bored of you, y/n. You were no fun.” You couldn't believe the audacity of the man stood in front of you, only able to stare at him with wide eyes as he held you captive. 

“Although, you do look like you could be quite entertaining now you’ve grown up. How about it, babygirl? Wanna play a a game?” There was a creepily mischievous look in his eye that made you sick to your stomach, and you squirmed, trying to get away from him. 

“Y/n? Is that you?” Looking over to the side, you saw the boys walking towards you and you smiled in relief. 

“Oi, you bastard!” Terushima was suddenly pulled away from you, and you stepped to the side just in time to see Semi pull his arm back, before his fist met the other man’s nose. A distinct ‘crack’ could be heard, and a splatter of deep red blood stained Semi’s t-shirt as you gasped. Tachi quickly guided you away from the fight, and Shirabu was soon stepping in, pulling his friend away from Terushima, who was now sprawled out on the pathway. 

It took a moment for Semi to stop struggling against his bandmate, but as soon as he did, his attention was on you, a look of worry in his eyes that you hadn't seen since he had invited you over for the night after your fight with Kenma.

“Are you okay?” It was only then that you noticed the blood on his lip - his blood this time and not your former boyfriend’s - and the red mark on his jaw where Terushima must have managed to hit him in their altercation. You tentatively reached a hand up to his face, assessing the blood on his lip. He flinched as soon as you touched it, and even though it was difficult to see in just the light of the streetlamp, you guessed that he must have a split lip, or at least a deep cut, meaning he was going to need a bit of first aid as a minimum. 

“Fuck...” He ran his own thumb over his lip when you moved your hands away, smearing blood over his mouth. 

“Please tell me the wasn't your date?” You shook your head and he sighed in relief, his eyes flitting over to you every few seconds, as if he was scared to look away. 

“Thank you for that. I don't know what I would have done.” Behind him, you could see Taichi and Shirabu picking Terushima up off of the ground. 

“What were you guys even doing out?” Semi followed your gaze, chuckling as the two boys struggled to carry the other man between them.

“We thought you were still on your date so we were on our way out for food.” You could see Terushima beginning to stir, but luckily he remained unconscious, leaving the other two boys to continue carrying him. 

“We’ll take him to the hospital or something, and you go get cleaned up, okay? We’ll bring back takeout.” Semi nodded, and you smiled gratefully at them, watching them walk down the street before following the former back inside the hotel. 

After quickly collecting a first aid kit from one of the other team members and narrowly avoiding a scolding from the band’s manager about ruining the lead singer’s ‘image’, you led said singer to your room, sitting him down on the edge of the bed while you searched through the kit for what you needed. 

He watched you as you moved, fiddling his fingers as the silence of the room ate away at him. He desperately wanted to look you dead in the eye and just apologise, but for some reason he couldn't even bring himself to speak to you. 

“This might sting a little.” Without realising, you were suddenly in front of him, cotton swab soaked in antiseptic at the ready. He nodded and you gently pressed it against his lip, feeling his body jolt in surprise. Despite the shock, he did his best not to squirm, and you were soon finished cleaning the cut and debating whether to put any gaze on it just to be safe. 

“So...” You looked over at him expectantly, only to find him avoiding your eyes awkwardly. Even you couldn't remember the last time you and Semi had a normal conversation, and despite everything that had happened, you kind of missed just hanging out and having fun. 

It was definitely much simpler than it was now. 

“Who was that?” You sighed, deciding not to put anything over the cut after all, and packing the kit away.

“An ex-boyfriend.” You explained it as simply as you could, not wanting to dodge around the subject. Moving the first aid kit, you placed in to the side table next to the bed, before coming back and sitting beside Semi on the bed. 

“I tried to make it work when I moved to Tokyo, but he was cheating on me the entire way through. He made me stay for a while but Kuroo and Kenma convinced me to finally leave him.” Semi felt a rush of guilt run through him. Even if it was just a fake relationship, he couldn't have imagined how you felt seeing him with that other woman. It must have reminded you so much of that time of your life. 

“So, when I...” You nodded slowly, and he gulped, suddenly disgusted with himself. 

“I’m so sorry, for everything. I’ve been a dick for no good reason. I don't even know why you're still going along with this fake relationship thing. I know I wouldn't.” He let out a low chuckle, running a hand through his hair in frustration. 

“I stayed because I know this is your career on the line. I knew you weren't exactly happy with it and you were free to do what you wanted. I’ve always been a fan, but now I consider you all close friends. I didn't want to ruin that.” You hadn't realised how Semi’s face had slowly inched towards yours as you spoke, but you found yourself not wanting to pull away when you did. 

“What if I do?” The question shocked you, but you didn't have time to think about it as he closed the space between you, lips pressed against yours gently. 

Oh.

Things were about to get complicated.

SIXTEEN - COMPLICATED

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* updates every monday *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

I am so sorry to all the Teru stans out there. I’ve made your man look so sleazy ://

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[prettywordsyouleft]

The Cowboy - Part 3

Summary: Leaving the city for a rural area called Blayne seemed simple enough. Your task was to convince the people to agree with selling their land for a resort redevelopment. But once there, you soon realise that your city ways are entirely different to theirs. Winning their trust was going to take some effort, and when you start to fall for a local cowboy, you wonder if you really needed Blayne more than the city life after all.

Pairing: Jung Jaehyun x female reader

Genre: cowboy au / drama / romance / if you squint there’s some enemies to lovers up in here.

Warnings: Jung Jaehyun is a cowboy, need I say more? (a bit of angst and drama, and it sometimes might feel like you’re reading a Nicolas Sparks book, so I’m told lol)

Word count: 2054

This series will be updated every Thursday and Friday.

Preview | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

“What are you handing me those for?” you asked when the man you had arranged to meet with at eleven shook your hand in greeting and then placed a pair of gumboots up on the hood of your car. You eyed the footwear and then looked back at Avery McConnell with interest.

Avery chuckled. “I know how expensive those boots are.”

“It’s not muddy, though. I’ve come at the end of spring.”

“You’re in for an awakening, Y/N. Trust me, put them on.”

You took Avery’s advice and followed him over to his truck. Climbing inside, you then glanced at your guide. “Thank you for meeting with me today.”

“Hey, it’s my pleasure. Always nice to see a new face once every three or so years,” he teased, and you laughed with him.

“So I’m learning. Not many venture out here.”

“It would be nice if people did.”

“Right?!” you enthused instantly, gesturing to the mountain ranges in the distance. “This place has so much untapped potential.”

“You won’t get to un-tap it, Y/N,” Avery told you upfront as he swung the vehicle out onto the main road. “But I wish there was a happy medium. If we could create more jobs and better housing, it would improve our farming. It’s hard to get help to come out here when services like Amazon don’t.”

“Wait, they don’t?!” you groaned heavily at the concept of not being able to order coffee pods in bulk.

“You’ll have to set up a PO Box in the township over. And if you need to have any internet meetings, it’ll be best to do them there too. The internet reaches out here, but the signal drops so frequently that no one bothers.”

“Why hasn’t anyone asked for services to be improved?” you asked and Avery smiled at you knowingly. “What? You can request cables to be laid, and I’m sure if you pay half the cost-”

“There’s not a huge focus on the internet out here when the sun rises in the morning for outdoor productivity. Most of us just have mobile phones to ring one another when we’re out on our property. And even then, the signal can be dodgy.”

“But there could be improvements,” you insisted, and Avery nodded.

“You’re persistent.”

“Well, it’s not the primitive age. I appreciate there’s a historical factor and a tight-knit community here, but this land is capital, and you could all win from some modern intervention.”

“I’m not your enemy,” Avery admitted, parking the car up on the side of a country lane. “I went to the city to escape how plain Blayne is.”

“You did?”

Avery nodded.

“Then how come you’re back?”

“It’s my home. It’s strange. Not a lot of people get why we live like this, but to us, it makes the most sense. Plus my old man got sick and needed me to help take care of the steer.”

“Okay, I’m going to sound really ignorant for a moment, but is a steer some kind of deer?”

“You came out here without knowing your basic farm animals, Y/N?” he asked with a laugh, and you rolled your eyes. “Come on I’ll show you why we need gumboots around here.”

Holding your nose, you attempted to listen to Avery’s speech about how the pigs of Blayne were some of the best meat pigs in the country. However, you were overstimulated by the smells and the sounds of the barn that you couldn’t quite keep up with the knowledge he was passing on to you.

“Ah, so this is where you were,” a voice mentioned, and you spun around, letting go of your nose and gasped for air. The newcomer smirked, his dimples deepening.

God, you wanted to hate him for being so attractive.

“You know me. I’ve got to help any damsel in distress out.”

“Where is she?” he teased, and you rolled your eyes. “Oh! Miss City, are you getting snippy with me?”

“Thank you for the warning about the owl.”

He grinned. “You’re welcome. So, seen enough pigs and want to go back to the city yet?”

“Not a chance.”

“That’s a pity, should we take her out into the cattle fields, Avery?”

“No need to be that eager to get rid of me,” you bit back and Avery, who had been watching the two of you, started to laugh heartily. You realised then how similar it sounded to May’s laugh. You pointed at him. “Wait, are you two-”

“Sadly, I’m related to him,” Avery admitted dramatically, and you glanced at the scowl on the other man’s face. “Come on Jaehyun, who wants to be your cousin anyway?”

“I never asked to be related to you either but here we are!”

“Jaehyun,” you breathed, and the man in question blinked at you curiously. “Oh, I didn’t get your name last night, you see.”

“I thought you had,” he answered back, grinning again. “Mr Cowboy, isn’t it?”

“Well, you do look like the typical cowboy in the movies when you go around in your boots and hat,” Avery defended, which you couldn’t help but snort a little at.

Jaehyun folded his arms across his chest. “Cattle fields, next. Right?”

You followed them out onto the field, watching where you stepped. Now you knew the reason for the boots. If there hadn’t been enough dung and muck in the pig barn, you certainly had seen more than enough of it out in this field. Climbing up the hill after the two men, you huffed at how easy it was for them.

“I guess there’s no need for a gym membership out here,” you muttered, sucking in a deep breath.

Jaehyun turned and looked at you then. “Come on, Miss City. The cows are over here.”

“I never wanted to see a damn cow, I came to survey the land for suitable resort spots,” you grumbled out of earshot, grateful when the slope evened out, and you reached the top of the field.

Stopping to catch your breath, you blinked at the view. In every direction you looked, the mountain range was so beautiful. All you could see was an expanse of land, which held a lot of possibilities. A golf course, a swimming and spa resort were merely two of the possibilities for Blayne’s development. Being close to nature whilst enjoying leisure pursuits could really put this place on the map.

You turned again, smiling at the wondrous thought of redevelopment until you saw what had come upon you. Backing up from the impossibly large beast, you raised your hands in defence.

“Nice cow.”

“She sure is a beaut, isn’t she?” a voice mentioned at your side, and you yelped in surprise, slipping on a cow patty.

Strong arms reached out to balance you before you hit the ground and you looked up into the face of your saviour, Jaehyun washing his gaze over you momentarily.

And then he started to laugh. “Wow, Miss City, you sure are jumpy! Feeling a little scared, are we?”

“You scared me first!”

“Was it me or the cow?” he questioned with a chuckle, and you yanked yourself free from Jaehyun’s grip, skirting around the curious animal and dashing over to Avery’s side.

He seemed equally amused. “You sure this is a place for you?”

“I’m adaptable,” you muttered, blinking rapidly.

Even you didn’t believe your words now.

“Wow, I’m exhausted,” you mentioned when you arrived back at your residence, falling down onto the couch with a groan.

Jaehyun had joined you for the rest of your exploration with Avery, much to your disdain. Every time you got close to discussing some sort of loose plan with the man, Jaehyun would distract you or shoot down your ideas entirely.

You glared up at the ceiling. “Stupid Cowboy. What would he know?”

The phone rang then, and you whined childishly, hauling yourself up from the couch and going over to answer it. “Oh good, you’re there!”

“Ah, yes. You have a nice home here, June.”

“You think so? It was once the home I raised my children in until we built the one we’re in now. Ah, that’s why I called you. I’ve made extra food and wanted to invite you around for dinner.”

“That’s too generous of you.”

“It’s the least I can do after knowing how long the boys had you out for. I told them to take it slow since you weren’t used to our ways yet. I bet your feet hurt.”

“They do, I’ll admit it,” you confessed and June giggled down the line with you.

“That’s it then! I’ll send Jaehyun around to fetch you!”

“Oh, it’s fine. I can drive myself there if you give me directions.”

“He’ll be there shortly, dearie. I pushed him out the door long before making this call.”

“Well, he should be here then,” you mentioned, glancing outside the house with some unease. “I’ll get ready!”

“See you soon, Y/N.”

After placing down the phone, you dashed upstairs to freshen up your appearance, pulling out a floral boho styled maxi dress that you had bought specifically for your country adventure. Picking up a straw hat and accessorising your middle with a woven belt, you laughed at how carefree you looked out of your usual business attire.

“He should be here by now,” you guessed, looking down the drive for Jaehyun’s truck. Collecting your bag, you stepped out of the house and locked it, slipping the keys into your purse and then jumped when you heard a loud whinny.

Turning to the field adjacent to the drive, you gaped at the sight before you. Jaehyun watched you for a moment before leaping down from the wagon. “It’s a good thing I had to run errands for Dad and didn’t bring a horse for you to ride instead, huh?”

“You didn’t bring the truck?”

“You asked if it was legal yesterday. I doubt you would have gotten in it.”

You eyed the large animal warily. “And you expect me to get up there?”

“Miss City, don’t tell me you’re scared of a mere horse. Back before any car, they were man’s best friend.”

“I thought that was a dog,” you murmured as Jaehyun leapt back up onto the cushioned seat of the wagon, his hand reaching down for yours.

“Ever seen a dog plough a field for crops?” Jaehyun asked with a chuckle, his grip firm around your wrist as he helped you up.

You sat down and looked around yourself hopelessly. “Do I need a seatbelt?”

“You really haven’t experienced much in life, have you, Miss-”

“Y/N,” you interjected, smiling nervously. “Please, call me Y/N.”

Jaehyun stared at you again and then smiled, picking up the reins. “You can hold onto me if you get scared, Y/N. I won’t tell anyone that our city slicker is frightened to ride on a horse wagon.”

“Why did I agree to go out tonight?” you wondered with a groan, shrieking and grabbing onto the front of the wagon when it started to move. Jaehyun laughed at you before eagerly asking the animal to move faster, your hands gripping on more tightly to the bar. “You’re working too hard to get rid of me, Jaehyun.”

“Really? Is it that noticeable?” he wondered and smiled when he watched you loosen your grip. “You’re adapting to this pretty well, though.”

It was your turn to look at him, a smile forming on your lips. “I am, huh.”

He glanced at you and nodded. “Who knows, maybe you’ll last more than a week.”

“Talk to me again when I make it to a month.”

“You’ll be riding a horse by that time,” he suggested, and you scoffed loudly.

“No, thank you. I’m not here to play farm. I’m here to work.”

“Farming is one of the hardest jobs out there. I thought you were here to see how us Blayners tick?”

“Well…”

“I guess you better think about what you’ll wear for a horse riding lesson tomorrow then.”

“I never agreed to it,” you objected and then sat back in your seat when Jaehyun leaned towards you.

“I like your dress by the way. It’s pretty.”

“Still full of yourself,” you mumbled, fanning your cheeks with how hot they grew with his compliment.

Jaehyun grinned. “Still enjoying it, aren’t we?”

_________________

Part 4

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[fallout-fallen-knight]

Meet My OCs masterpost!

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these and I’ve gotten a lot of new followers and several new OCs in that time. Enough now that I should probably put them under a read more. OCs are divided up by main setting that they fall under - even though all my Fallout content takes place in its own ‘verse (distinct from the canon Fallout verse in that there are horses, among other differences), the various coasts tend to be pretty separate. Without further ado:

Fallen Knight

Fallen Knight is a longform fic that is currently and irregularly updating. It takes place in the Commonwealth in 2287-2289, featuring a mix of canon characters (often modified to my own convenience) and OCs. It can be found here. 

Christopher Farris, aka the Fallen Knight (Lone Wanderer)

[image ID: a drawing of Christopher Farris by @scarecrow-forest​. He is a white, blond man wearing a baseball cap, a green shirt, and a long tan vest. He is holding a baseball bat and has a pip-boy on his arm. End ID]

Christopher is my lone wanderer that I ported to Fallout 4. He is (currently) a Brotherhood of Steel Knight alongside Paladin Danse. He is the main character of Fallout: Fallen Knight. He has a strong moral compass and idolizes the knightly ideas of protecting the weak and confronting the strong. Content for him on my blog can be found at #fallen knight. 

Kristine Finch, Minuteman General

[image ID: a screenshot from Fallout 4 of Kristine Finch. She is a light-skinned woman in a blue shirt and tan jacket, with a cowboy-like hat. She is standing in front of a ramshackle wooden building with a neon sign that says “Minuteman HQ”. End ID]

Kristine is my Minuteman OC and the General of the Minutemen. Under her leadership, they have worked to make the commonwealth safer by uniting various settlements to exchange resources and provide mutual defense. She has also published the Minuteman Guide To Commonwealth Travel, also known as the Blue Book, a handy pamphlet for settlers and traders making their way across the Commonwealth. Content for her can be found at #one if by land.

Thomas “The Trigger” Calvani

[image ID: a screenshot from Fallout 4 of Thomas Calvani. He is a white, brown-haired man in road leathers with various leather armor layered over it. He wears a pair of reflective aviator sunglasses and a green bandana covering his face. He is standing in front of power armor with flames painted on it. End ID]

Thomas Calvani is a ne’er-do-well from the Atom Cats who has somehow managed to continuously fall upwards, somehow culminating with him as the Overboss of the Nuka World raiders after trying to go to Nuka World with MacCready and Cait. Content for him can be found at #tales from the commonwealth.

Greetings from Appalachia

Hector Sanchez (Reclaimer)

[image ID: a Vault Tec ID card from Fallout 76. It belongs to Hector Sanchez, a latine man with brown hair, a Vault 76 jumpsuit, and a van dyke beard. He is smiling and giving a thumbs up to the camera. End ID]

Hector Sanchez is an amateur cryptid hunter from Vault 76. Raised in the vault on his mother’s stories of cryptids before the war, he left the vault with his best friend Hazel in search of cryptids to find. Content for him can be found at #greetings from appalachia.

Fallout: Brave New World

Brave New World is a collection of various OCs who end up in the Mojave wasteland at the same time, in around 2289 or so. While no unifying narrative yet exists, I am planning some ficlets/short form fic around these OCs. 

Ace (Courier 6)

[image ID: a screenshot from Fallout: New Vegas of Ace. He is a latine man with an eyepatch, a black cowboy hat, and a black leather coat over blue jeans, with several belts and bandoliers. He is standing in front of Dinky the Dinosaur and pointing a gun off screen. End ID]

Ace is my courier, and a member of the Great Khans. Still a teenager when Bitter Springs happened, he was separated from the rest of the Khans and spent his remaining teenage years doing odd jobs around the Mojave and avoiding the encroaching NCR, culminating in a fateful job for the Mojave Express. He now finds himself down one eye, hunting the Mojave for Benny and the platinum chip. Content for him can be found at #ace in the hole.

Sophia Mobius

[image ID: a screenshot of Fallout: New Vegas of Sophia Mobius. She is a white woman with white hair and round, cat-eye glasses. She is wearing a red labcoat and has the holorifle strapped to her back. End ID]

Sophia is a Followers medic turned disciple of Doctor Mobius after a chance encounter with a crashed satellite sent her to the Big MT. She later traveled to the Sierra Madre casino with Arcade and Veronica to hunt down and stop Father Elijah. She is now working with the Veronica and Christine to convince Brotherhood members to leave, smuggling out technology if possible, to assist the Followers of the Apocalypse. Content for her can be found at #followers of mobius

Martin Goldberg aka the Silver Canary (Reclaimer)

[image ID: a drawing of Martin Goldberg and Emmerane Black, aka the Silver Canary and Coal Black, by @rotarydials​. Martin is a dark skinned man with silver hair and a beard. He is dressed in the Silver Shroud’s outfit - a black and gray trenchcoat and fedora with a silver scarf. He carries a submachine gun, which he is pointing off camera. Emmerane is a white woman with short black hair. She has black goggles and a black cloak over a white shirt and red vest. She is doing air-guitar motions. They both have pip-boys. End ID]

Martin Goldberg, known better as the Silver Canary, was a pre-war vigilante and the inspiration for the Silver Shroud. As a staunch anti-fascist and anti-capitalist, he had several encounters with the movers and shakers of American industry, notably Robert House, whose suite Martin broke into while he was visiting a West Virginia plant. Upon learning about Vault-Tec’s plans for Vault 76, he broke into Vault Tec University, changing the list of vault residents to a list of random West Virginia citizens, as well as himself. 

While in the Vault, Emmerane Black, a moody young woman born in the vault, declared herself his nemesis. When they left the vault in 2102, he learned of this, and instead decided to take her under his wing, forcibly adopting the young supervillain. Though they clashed often at first, they quickly found they had more in common than they realized, and soon teamed up to take on certain targets - most notably the Brotherhood of Steel. 

At some point in the following years, both Martin and Emmerane ghoulified, and in the late 2200s, Martin traveled west, to find his old nemesis, Robert House. He now haunts the areas around Vegas, a mysterious spectre doling out justice to the wicked. Content for Martin and Emmerane can be found at #the silver canary and coal black. Emmerane belongs to @corsairesix

Caroline Keene, Ranger of the Wastes

[image ID: a screenshot from HeroForge of a black ghoul woman with short braids. She is wearing a cowboy hat, long duster, cowboy boots, and a shirt and pants that are all brown with tan accents. She has a revolver and a knife strapped to her hip and a repeater on her back. She is offering a hammered tin cup to the “camera”. End ID]

Caroline Keene was a park ranger in a firewatch tower in Monongahela National Forest when the bombs fell. After a few days of quiet introspection, her and some of her fellow rangers agreed to make their way to the nearest town to find survivors, slowly making their way to Flatwoods and then Morgantown to join the Responders. 

After helping the Responders stabilize Appalachia in the wake of the Great War and faction infighting that followed, Caroline traveled west, continuing to help out those in need as he crossed the country that had once been America. During this time, she began to ghoulify; though initially and understandably distraught, a community of ghouls in what was once Texas helped her to accept her condition. Upon arriving in the Mojave, she found that her reputation as the “Ranger of the Wastes” preceded her, and she was recruited by the desert rangers, though she left again when they were incorporated with the NCR. Now, she has settled in the Mojave, starting a brahmin and bighorner ranch with her partners, and helping shelter, teach, and raise lost and disaffected youth in the Mojave. Content for her can be found at #ranger of the wastes

The King of the Road (Chosen One)

[image ID: a screenshot of Heroforge of a dark skinned ghoul in a black suit. He has a red tie and a red cape, and is wearing round glasses and an opulent crown. He carries a spear and has a holstered revolver on his hip. Near his feet is a pile of coins and a gray cat, ready to pounce. End ID]

The King of the Road was once the Chosen One of Arroyo, but became disatisfied with the duties of ruling and the pressures of being the tribe’s chosen one. In 2244, he left Arroyo, wandering New California as a drifter. He abanoned his name and title, choosing instead to take the name of the King of the Road as his renown as a drifter grew. He ghoulified due to his exposure to radiation over the years, but took to the change rather well. He continued to travel the roads of New California, eventually finding his way to the Mojave wasteland as the NCR did. Content for him can be found at #king of the road (when I make it).

Angelia King

[image ID: a Heroforge mini of a white woman seated on a white horse. She is wearing a tan jacket over a brown chest piece, chaps, and tan cowboy boots. She has a red bandana around her neck and several belts around her waist, one of which holds a holstered pistol. Her left eye is covered by an eyepatch and there is dark makeup around both of her eyes. She has short dyed blonde and red hair that is shaved on one side. She is brandishing a rifle towards the camera and there is a sawed-off shotgun on her back. End ID]

Angelina King, the leader of the Nightstalkers, a gang in the Mojave in 2289. When Ace drives the NCR out of the Mojave, she at first believes that she will be allowed to operate with relative impunity; however, when the NCR supply trains stop coming from the west (no longer needing to fight a war that has been lost), she starts hitting caravans first and then larger settlements, carving her way across the Mojave towards New Vegas. Content for her can be found at #the nightstalkers strike again.

Other OCs

Hannah Alton

[image ID: a screenshot from Heroforge of a white woman wearing a forest green cloak. She has a brown cloth wrapped around her chest and blue jeans on. She has a quiver of crossbow bolts on her hip and is holding a crossbow. She has red hair and several piercings. End ID]

Hannah Alton is my PC for our Fallout: New Orleans campaign run by and using the PBTA hack Powered by the Nuclear Apocalypse made by @corsairesix. Hannah is a “raider” from a gang called the Robbin’ Hoods, a gang dedicated to stealing from New Orleans’ ghoul aristocrats and redistributing their wealth to the town they’re based in. Content for her can e found on #fallout New Orleans and #powered by the nuclear apocalypse

[mortemcanis]

The Sun's Touch - a spell to heal and move forward

I needed some extra help with healing from something/someone that hurt me and I looked to the sun and Apollo for guidance, thus this spell was born

This was a very personal spell and a lot of it was about timing (it was done on a Leo moon so I used things tied to Leo) but I figured it might help some other people, feel free to substitute things if you need

☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀

☀ What you'll need: ☀

Half an orange - emotional healing, purification, happiness, ties to Leo and the sun

Half a lemon - healing, purification, cleansing

Yellow candle - solar energy with ties to Leo and the sun

Orange candle - ties to Leo and the sun, enhances the spells energy

Rose quartz - healing (I also have personal ties with it)

Citrine - healing, ties to the sun

Something to represent the sun and Apollo (or any other deity you might worship, solar deities work best, but you can also just use this for the sun) - I used The Sun tarot card, mostly because of how I relate it to Apollo

Incense of choice - I say this because I used one called The Sun, which I can't tie specific correspondences to but its my go-to for sun magic and worshipping Apollo. Incense I suggest: lemon (healing), rosemary (healing), clove (cleansing, healing), sandalwood (healing)

☀ Preferred timing: ☀

As I said before, a huge part of this spell for me was timing, so I felt it was best to include this

Waning gibbous or full moon

Leo moon or Leo sun

On a Sunday

I also chose to do this between 10 and 12 at night

☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀

Remember! Find a comfortable place to do your spell, make sure you've gathered all your ingredients, relax and light your incense before starting

☀ Steps: ☀

1. Put small holes in the fruit halves for your candles (smaller candles work best), and place the candles inside

2. Place the halves on either side of your sun token, and your stones above and below it

3. Light your candles and recite:

"I invoke the sun and its fires

To purify me and bring me out of the dark

To bring back the warmth that was lost

And may Apollo's light guide me forward"

Feel free to alter the last line to fit your deity, or leave it out completely

4. Meditate. Touch your sun token and imagine a flame traveling from it, up your arm, engulfing your body. This is a gentle fire, like a hug from the sun, and it will cleanse you in the same way water cleanses us. Sit in this flame and let it wash away the darkness and pain, let it take away what's burdening you

I also imagined Apollo in this flame, hugging me until I felt clean, and taking my hand to guide me into brighter times

Take as long as you need! Sit until you feel clean and light again (or until your candles burn out if you'd like). Setting a timer may also help, I set one for 10 minutes and that was the perfect amount of time for me

5. Clean up!

If you have candles left, reuse them!

For the fruit, I cut them into slices that I'm going to bake and give to Apollo as an offering, and I gave the ends of the oranges to my lovely partner (who likes them more than me), and he gave me back the peels so I can use them for later spells

Feel free to keep the stones close to you to remind you that the sun is always there to heal you and help you through

☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀

I hope this is able to help some of you! I know its somewhat open ended but I feel that these kinds of spells should be personal, and magick should always have a personal touch

I'll update this later when I'm preparing Apollo's offerings, but for now I'll close with my partners cat Cowboy who accompanied me during the whole spell (you can see his butt in a couple pictures)

☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀　 ҉ ☀

☽ Benedictus Esse ⛤ Blessed Be ☾

[yfere]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E66(6)

A MASSIVE SHIPPING FEAST ON BOTH ENDS OF THE SPECTRUM this episode, hot DAMN. Thank you to @alarnia and @softazelma for helping with data entry. Masterpost here. I just...I don’t even have words, I’m too busy soaring.

-5 to Fjord/Jester unlike Fjord, as these two unfortunately give us a Complete Guide on how to Lose All The Battle Points—Fjord accidentally ditching Jester to get mauled by a winged monster for the third time in a row as he is Contractually Obligated to do, and Jester getting her own back by polymorphing the roc just as Fjord settled on its back, sending our dear warlock plummeting towards an early—and painful—landing. The hemorrhaging to the ship was mostly patched up by both of them being very regretful over the whole situation, Jester saying “sorry” a billion and one times, and so on. Then they dip back into point loss with Fjord Completely Failing To Be On The Wavelength when it comes to disguising as leaves, participating in dance parties, not making people exhausted with a hard ride on the moorbounders through the night,  etc etc, but these were largely made up for by Jester’s appreciation for Fjord paying for their inn stay, his continued helpfulness with Sending, and most importantly Jester taking every opportunity to point out how RIPPED and TOUGH and SMART and GOOD AT ACCENTS Fjord is as he flexes for her benefit. Overall, a rollercoaster week, but we at the lab feel it balances to point loss when you factor in the massive physical toll these two took on each other, and not in the fun way. They can do better (the fun way, for instance)

+20 to Jester/Caduceus as these two show us Battle Points Done Right, with Jester casting an insect plague in the most Caduceus of moves, and NOT ONLY THAT, but making them an Oprah BEES gif, recalling the most Iconic of Jester/Cads scenes, and the most Iconic Jester Ship Mascot, comparable only to jellyfish. Caduceus calling Jester a “sugar pea” and making her squeal and hug him, a type of #BodyContact which earns the most possible points without lips being involved. Dancing with Jester and having a grand old time. Them earning Battle Points?????? with their protracted bat-catching session, and Caduceus using literally all of his Banes so that the itty creature never so much as nicks Jester. That’s love.

+10 to Nott/Cat Shaped Creatures Speaking of lip involvement, Frumpkin got a kiss from Nott before being let down!!! Caleb better watch out, or she’ll steal his cat right out from under him!! Massive point loss however for Jannick yeeting Nott off of him for daring to ride alone, because Caleb’s precious pets are nothing if not loyal. (that’s a +15 to Caleb/Cat Shaped Creatures right there!)

+37 to Fjord/Caduceus These two have their strongest week YET, with Fjord—voluntarily! opening up about the Wildmother, and Caduceus giving some amazing advice about meditation which lets Fjord get more peaceful sleep to ASMR ocean sounds! Caduceus talking about a “shining beautiful” destiny (always a point earner!), and opening up about HIS Wildmother dreams and past and quests as well! Caduceus saying he has faith in Fjord—though there’s some point loss as Caduceus seems to have joined Nott’s “There is Evil in the Fjord Club” by implying it’s only his good friendships keeping him on the straight and narrow, smh Caduceus. Cads adorably suggesting that they can ALSO stop in the abyssal temple before they leave town if that’s what Fjord wants, like visiting a gift shop. Caduceus as usual being the first to Fjord’s side for That Good Hjealing and Emotional Sjupport, which Fjord petulantly demands, and Fjord encouragingly saying “C’mon, baby” as Caduceus looks around for the pursuing roc. In the Creepy Tunnels, Caleb gets +2 to Cockblocking as Fjord wanted to be the one to help Caduceus out, but Caleb gets the honor. Later Cads helps Fjord look for magical arms and armor though, that’s pretty sweet.

+42 to Jester/Yasha LOVE??? LOVE WAS SAID????? ANNNND THEY HUGGED?!?!?!?!?! The “we” puts ever so slight a damper on things, but that is a Point Earner right there, with a lovely conversation about being Yasha’s New Family and defending her from anything that would upset her. Yasha getting teary, saying Jessie once more and making a joke about the king’s instrument being a rock harp, like….they are love?? Love?????? AND, annnnnnnd they get the Sexy Points for “Comes more with another person” HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS JESTER I’M LOVsjkajkgakajksakjkasjksajkfukewk;HA;GKJ BKfjkcbdjabkjsdbalkbB  SJAK BKJBSAKJK;jkjdasbjksbjkdakasdsfnajdknmbznb

-1 to Beau/Pets While she gets point gains for charming a baby roc with some staff scritches and thrown food, she gets point loss for beaning the poor baby with that same staff, though luckily she doesn’t join Nott in the Baby Killing Club of this campaign. -1 to Caleb/Vulture Culture as despite using all of his spells to Live a Bird-Brained Life, he unfortunately drops his form too quickly to save Fjord, gets bit back to wizard form by the baby roc and told to shut up with the bird screeching by Beau. But Frumpkin gains some points for looking successfully for the pursuing roc.

-20 to Nott/Yasha You get the sense that Nott is trying to mend things with Yasha, but it always falls apart and falls apart horribly. “We’re safe in this smoke” leads to Yasha immediately leaving it, and after Nott has her flask taken she spends the rest of the episode talking about how shady and suspicious Yasha is which even Caleb “Nott is Never Wrong” Widogast can’t agree with. Searching the darling barbarian’s pockets and accusing her until Yasha gets fed up and yells that she didn’t FUCKING take it.

+15 to Beau/Yasha/Jester as they have another stellar week. Featuring Classic Threesome Moments, including “Should I give you some private time alone?” with both Beau and Yasha Very Much Wanting Her To Stay, and Jester sharing the Sugar Momma loveliness she’d been having with Beau with Yasha, in the form of a suggestive ring gifting joke and “dressing Yasha up” in the fancy clothing Beau recovered for the both of them. The three of them touching the stone Celestials and listening to their music

+17 to Beau/Yasha *starts singing Beyonce* she liked it, so she put a ring on it! ‘Nuff said. Beau’s terribly awkward but wonderful “We’ll protect you with our lives” also: goooooooooooooooooooooooood. Beau being incredibly worried over using Yasha as bait, more worried over dead Celestials, but forging ahead because they both know it’s the best option they have at the moment *sniffs* it’s Some Angst Here. Beau saying Yasha has “dope wings” and might be a “dope angel in irons” and suggesting that Yasha may have gotten her name by sleeping with a lot of people, the sheer dumbassery of which makes Yasha facepalm herself in the hopes of getting a Lesbian Amnesia concussion.

+20 to Beau/Jester as Dimension Door gets used once more for an incredibly sapphic and beautiful moment. Beau grabs onto Jester to try to throw her to safety, but stays when Jester asks, and Jester getting them both to safety?? Dare I say, Romance? Dancing together, loving shiny loot together, running their hands along the side of the tunnel and detectiving together. Beau saying Jester is pretty awesome, as always!

+4 to Fjord/Cowboy Vibes as for one glorious moment, he was yeehaw riding that roc. Alas.

+11 to Caleb/Fjord. Although a sincere effort was made, these two did not in fact earn any Battle Points as Caleb’s furious handwringing, running around, and smacking faulty cocoons and tossing feathers repeatedly failed to help Fjord out of his situation with the roc—only acting as a feathery transport to a cleric managed to do the poor man any good. Nonetheless, these two continued to Same Hat on planning as usual, going full speed (or not at all) with the moorbounders, Caleb directing Fjord towards Facely duties but admirably performing on some Facely duties himself when they first roll into town and get the side-eye. Fjord as always being Very Attuned to Caleb’s navigational skills, wanting to know what direction they’re going and wanting Caleb to do translation duty. Being excellent detective partners as they have been since the circus in identifying bodies and bones together. Point loss for Fjord apparently thinking that the best way to get Caleb’s attention is to throw an eldritch blast in the vicinity of his cat instead of, say, shaking him or something. Fjord…….when are you going to be nice to other people’s pets? Will you ever?

+1 to Caleb/Essik “But of course you must know of THIS EXTREMELY FAMOUS AND HANDSOME MAN ESSIK THEYLAS who will ABSOLUTELY VOUCH FOR US, IN FACT PLEASE ASK HIM TO I NEED AN EXCUSE TO TALK TO HIM.”

+5 to Jester/Graffiti as she pulls off a difficult prank in changing the sign to the “Ruddy Poon” in full view of the whole community. One of her weaker jokes of the episode, though, so less point gain.

+3 to The Mighty Nein/Oban as he’s apparently super impressed with how quickly and trustworthily they brought Yasha to the area. Compliments Jester on her singing skills. He must be a good guy then, right? Right?

-4 to Nott/Jester for Nott claiming erroneously that rocs eat leaves to Jester, absolutely wanting Jester to “waste” a spell looking for her missing flask (that Jester stole). Point gains for Jester casting lesser restoration on Nott and worrying about her alcoholism and recklessness to a heartbreaking degree….but unfortunately, balancing out to point loss considering the physical and emotional toll her thievery resulted in as Nott panicks and takes out her feelings on the rest of the party. We at the lab live in fear on what will happen once Nott discovers who IS responsible

+14 to Caleb/Jester she…..makes him laugh???? A rare accomplishment for which There Must Surely Be a Medal??? This alone earns All The Points for an Iconic Moment, but Caduceus gets +7 to Cockblocking for being the one Eagle Caleb carts around when the offer was originally extended to Jester. Caleb also catching onto Jessie (thank you Nott for this nickname I despise) and looking soft at everything she does, and dancing, and being the first to adorably compare Jester to a snap pea. Caleb agreeing with Jester that building bridges sounds nice. Point loss for Jester making far too much fun of Caleb for not knowing her demon stories and not seeing the obelisk, prompting him to weakly defend himself that he’s “doing his best.” More point loss for Caleb also pushing to ride the moorbounders to exhaustion, and just ignoring Jester’s “feelings” to talk to Caduceus, showing a lack of trust that is UNACCEPTABLE.

-500 to Nott/Alcohol Which needs no explanation.

+16 to Caleb/Caduceus as these boys get Good Quality Time, with Caleb flying Caduceus around everywhere, Caduceus continuing to think Caleb Magic is the Solution to Everything by suggesting alarms at the cave entrance and seeking out Caleb’s cat-based assistance three billion times. Caleb asking for Caduceus’ opinion and feelings specifically for guidance on what they should do, also thinking Caduceus Magic is the Solution to Everything by asking for a detect magic which Caduceus could not provide. Once more very emphatically forbidding Caduceus from wasting his spell slots on Daylight, because like a #KnightInShiningArmor Caleb wants to chivalrously cast that spell himself with the driftglobe. Caduceus chivalrously picking up the tab and buying incense both for himself and Caleb. Caleb holding onto Caduceus’ wrist for a full minute and proving Caduceus is a favorite for his Special Buffing Spells,  because the wizard is too much of a scaredy-cat to just hold his hand, I suppose.

+20 to Everyone/Detective Work for finding gems, bones, maps, emblems, and identifying the precise coagulation of blood to determine when it was spilled! Nothing Conclusive was learned, but boy did it increase the Creepiness Factor of the episode!

-100 to The Mighty Nein/This One Particular Roc who will hold  a grudge against them for the rest of time, woe unto them should they ever venture into the Barbed Fields again.

+19 to Jester/Cosplay of the Week for a much-complimented leaf disguise, and for dressing up in the bloody garb of some mauled nobles. Point loss because it was unclear to most of the judges that “leaf” is what she was going for, and not “healthy edible vegetable”

[mrsrcbinscn]

Franny’s 30 Day Cover Challenge

Playlist

Franny’s 30 Day Cover Song Challenge: (categories are mostly from here, and here, with some from here, and a couple I made) in September 2020 one of her musician friends challenged her to do the thing and she was like “It seems like a fun way to show everyone what kind of music has influenced me as a musician, singer, songwriter, and just like, person. So I’m going to do it.”

In reality, she recorded most of them in 1-2 days to distract her from how sad she is because Wilbur hates her and he’s sad lmao

It helped a little.

(If you want me to drop the playlist she mentions in #24 let me know, I have it started I can finish it)

TW: mentions of Franny’s political beliefs so tw: politics, an allusion to suicide though the word isn’t directly used, mention of 9/11 and the subsequent invasions...nothing graphic with any of these triggers but worth a forewarning

Day 01 - A song that makes you happy

Honey Spiders by The Parlotones

“The Parlotones are this fantastic indie rock band out of South Africa. And I actually thought about doing their song, uh, Stars Fall Down for day sixteen, but I’m going with Honey Spiders for day 1. There were lots of Parlotones songs, I mean. Push Me to The Floor, We Call This Dancing, Should We Fight Back...but ah, Honey Spiders always puts me in a good mood.”

Day 02 - A song that helps you clear your head

Light of a Clear Blue Morning by Dolly Parton

“I grew up on Dolly, and it’s funny because for the longest time this song wasn’t really on my radar as much as it is now. But when I was twenty-two I was going through something really difficult, and my then-fiance now husband was abroad for work, so I was alone in our apartment and just. Really, profoundly sad and lonely. So I put on a Dolly Parton record and just laid on the bed and Light Of A Clear Blue Morning played and I had a good long cry and felt so much better after that. When I need to think about how to solve a difficult problem, or I feel overwhelmed, I just listen to that song.”

Day 03 - Song you love from a band/artist you hate

Should’ve Been A Cowboy by Toby Keith

“Honestly, he’s called me a nasty lady to my face and I’ve called him a facist enabling pig to his, so I have no qualms openly saying I hate Toby Keith. That being said, Should’ve Been A Cowboy is one of the best country songs of the 90s, undeniably. I loved that song when it came out when I was thirteen, and I still love it.”

Day 04 - A song about drugs or alcohol

Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss

“This is probably cheating, because my lovely best friend Daniel and I cover this a lot at Dara & Danny shows. But today look who I have! My friend Max from Seoul Hanoi’d! Max the Korean Scot who can’t hide his accent to save his life, so let’s see how it sounds in a Scottish accent.”

Day 05 - A protest song

Talking Vietnam Blues by Phil Ochs /// and Here’s to The State of Mississippi by Phil Ochs

“This one was hard because I. Fucking. Love. Protest music. I could have done a whole 30 days of protest music - wow, let me know if I should do that and give my husband a heart attack with all the twitter threats I’ll invite. Huh. Right, so I was going to do Your Flag Decal Won’t Get You Into Heaven by John Prine. But I decided to do two Phil Ochs songs because I don’t think Phil Ochs is talked about enough. It’s a shame we lost him so young. Ochs’ sardonic humor and honesty in his writing has influenced me as a songwriter deeply. When I write political songs, I don’t hold back, and it’s because of Phil Ochs’ writing that I have that courage. I’ve been singing Love Me, I’m A Liberal since I was in college with constantly updating lyrics. It was so hard to even choose which songs of his to do because for his fairly short career his songbook is lengthy and full of gems. I’m Going to Say It Now, Draft Dodger Rag, Spanish Civil War Song, I Ain’t Marching Anymore...I couldn’t pick one so I’m cheating and recording two.”

Day 06 - A song you wish you wrote

When I Think About Cheatin’ by Gretchen Wilson

“I will forever be pissed off that I didn’t write this song. I’m absolute trash for my husband, so it’s never -- I’ve never had to be in a situation to ever consider -- but this song gets me every time. It feels like I could have written it. Because we do spend a lot of time apart travelling for our work. And the sentiment expressed in the song is a little too real.”

Day 07 - A song in a language you don’t speak

Khattar by Khine Htoo

“This will either be a charming attempt to sing in Burmese or I’m about to offend a lot of people. Which, being a politically outspoken woman on the internet, I’m used to anyway. So. 1, 2, 3, okay here goes.”

Day 08 - A song by an artist no longer living

Phop Samnang by Sinn Sisamouth (inspiration)

“Haha, you thought I’d see the name of this category and not do a Sinn Sisamouth song? You were wrong.”

Day 09 - A song you want to dance to at your wedding

Devoted To You by The Everly Brothers

“I’m already married, so this was actually our first dance song at our wedding. Day three of our wedding, like the more Westernized wedding ceremony day. We had a three day long traditional Cambodian wedding and I felt like a princess. An-y-way!”

Day 10 - A song that makes you cry

Borrowed Rooms and Old Wood Floor by Emily Scott Robinson

“Unfortunately, Emily Scott Robinson and I aren’t related. Sad, I know, because she’s so talented. Almost her entire album Traveling Mercies is...sad as hell. The record reminded me of early Dolly Parton, and my second solo album. You know, all those sad-ass songs. The Dress is honestly the song that makes me the saddest but I can’t even listen to it without crying so.”

Day 11 - A song that you love hearing live

Prove My Love  by Violent Femmes

“There is nobody I have seen in concert more than Dolly Parton, but Violent Femmes and George Strait come incredibly close. The Cranberries, the amount of times I saw them in the 90s and early 2000s...close fourth. Probably. The very first concert I dragged my husband to was a Violent Femmes concert, he was not prepared for how hard college me went.”

Day 12 - A song from before 1960 

There Ain’t No Sweet Man That’s Worth The Salt of My Tears by Libby Holman

“This song is from 1928. I came across it when I was in grad school and it’s, as the kids say, a bop.”

Day 13 - A song you think everybody should listen to

White Man’s World by Jason Isbell

“I think perspectives of people of color should of course take precedence in these conversations. But I find this song to be a good faith attempt of a white man coming to terms with the institutional racism and sexism in the world around him. And I think this song can be a useful tool to explain certain concepts of racial justice to ignorant but well-meaning folks. As a woman of color I think Jason Isbell did a great job not centering himself even though it was from his perspective. This song is great musically and necessary socially.”

Day 14 - A song from the 1970s

You’re No Good by Linda Ronstadt

“Linda Ronstadt is grossly underrated, that’s all I have to say here.”

 Day 15 - A song people wouldn’t expect you to like

Racists by Anti-flag

“I mean, I’ve talked about how much I like punk in the past, and I remember a video of Seoul Hanoi’d doing Spanish Bombs at a San Antonio show made the rounds, but I don’t think I’ve talked about how much I like Anti-flag. People don’t expect me to like punk for some reason. But I agree with...everything punk music is all about.”

Day 16 - A song that holds a lot of meaning to you

Blue by LeAnn Rimes

“It’s silly, but I won a county fair singing competition with this song in high school and it really fueled my passion for music, that win. It’s also the first song Cornelius heard me go full Georgia on, with the yodels and all, at the little bar in my hometown on his first trip meeting my parents. The song doesn’t cut to my very soul ot anythin’, but it’s special to me.”

Day 17 - A song attached to a memory

Supernova by Liz Phair

“I remember buying Liz Phair’s Whip-smart album when I was eleven. And in college, when I was getting ready for dates with Cornelius in my dorm room, I would dance around to a CD I burned and wrote on it with a sharpie, ‘Pre-date Movie Scene Music.’ God, what was even on there? I’m about to expose myself as the most basic 1999-2001 bitch. I remember Head Over Feet, I mean, Alanis Morisette? I was a young woman in 2000, obviously I loved her. Mm, Dreams by The Cranberries...oh, Kiss Me, Sixpence None The Richer...yeah, anyway, Supernova was on there.”

Day 18 - A song from the year you were born

Call Me by Blondie

“...I can’t believe Call Me is as old as I am.”

Day 19 - A song that reminds you of someone you miss

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing (yes, of course she does a cover with banjo)

“This was my late best friend Molly’s favorite hymn. And I sang it at her funeral at her husband’s request. Molly and I grew up together in the small town of Payne Lake, Georgia and Molly was the most devout Christian...but she was also the first person I came out to as bisexual when I was a teenager, and she said that Jesus taught her that love was the greatest commandment and that meant I was automatically twice as good at it as her. Her faith guided her every action but she never talked down on her two best friends - Dan(iel Maitland) and I for not sharing it. Molly was doing the whole emulate Jesus thing beautifully. I miss her every day and it’s been seven years. If you ever think that people won’t miss you...you’re wrong. All right, let’s see if I can get through this without crying.”

Day 20 - A song by an artist you discovered this year

Hello, Anxiety by Phum Viphurit

“I just discovered this quirky Thai-Kiwi singer and not to be dramatic, but he’s my favorite thing in the world right now.”

Day 21 - A song with a city or country in the title

Oh! Phnom Penh (track 20)

“This song was written after the fall of the Khmer Rouge, and after people began to make their way to what was left of their homes, alone, or with what was left of their families. If you want to learn more about what that was like to actually live it, my cousin Reena Boran has a video interviewing her parents and paternal grandfather and uncle about it. Reena is a journalism student currently studying in London but she lives in Cambodia. Her mother is my aunt Malisruot, my mother’s youngest sister. The video is English subtitled on her channel, I’ll link it in the description box below.”

Day 22 - A song from the 1960s

To Sir, With Love by Lulu

“I didn’t actually discover this song until I heard it covered at a 10,000 Maniacs concert in the 90s. My friend Allison was standing next to me and I just started crying and she’s like ‘are you okay?’ and all I just blubbered out ‘My dad!’ For the uninitiated, my dad married my mom, who’d raised me alone until then, when I was six and he adopted me when I was eight. My dad didn’t have to adopt me, he didn’t have to call me his daughter, he could have just been like half of my friends’ stepdads and give me a place to live and nothing else. But my dad was my biggest supporter from day one. He convinced my mom to let me join the dance team and show choir instead of science club, he was the one that talked my mom down from probably killing me when they found out I was only studying music and not music and political science at NYU. I am who I am today because he is my dad. And this song just says everything I’ve always thought about him.”

Day 23 - A song from your childhood

Una Lacrima Sul Viso by Bobby Solo

“But Franny, aren’t you a Cambodian raised in the US? Yes, but you were fooled. My very white father is also an immigrant. He is from Switzerland and while he didn’t teach me to speak Italian and German growing up, he played German, Italian, and French records all the time. My parents often spoke to each other in French and I picked up some French but properly studied it starting in high school, and I didn’t study Italian until college -- and my German is still …. [points to a spot on the screen where she later inserted a card linking to a video on her cousin Köbi Framagucci’s YouTube channel titled ‘Can My American Cousin Speak German?’ where he tests her Standard and Swiss German speaking and comprehension]. But hell if I couldn’t sing every one of the songs from my father’s French, German, and Italian record before I knew what the words even meant.”

Day 24 - A song that gives you chill vibes

Glorify by Ivan & Alyosha

“Dan(iel Maitland) and I actually have an entire playlist on my Spotify accounts of songs to listen to to get us out of writers’ block. And one that I often will put on repeat and just absorb through my headphones with my eyes closed is a song called Glorify by Ivan & Alyosha. I think it touches on a lot of the themes I include in my songwriting. Christian mythology, the darker side of humanity, it often reminds me of what I love about songwriting. If you say please I might drop a link to that playlist.”

Day 25 - A song that’s your signature song

Long Gone Lonesome Blues by Hank Williams“Right, so I chose this instead of a Kitty Wells song or I Get A Kick Out of You (her being

featured on a 2005

recording propelled her career majorly) because if you’re familiar with me you might have seen a video that went around in like….2017? 2016? of Dan(iel Maitland) and I doin’ the song at our hometown bar in 2014. I posted it in response to some tweets because hoes mad when a WOC calls out racism and sexism in the Nashville music industry. ‘Bet she don’t even know Hank’, really? You think I wouldn’t know the history of one of the two music industries I work in? Please. Anyway, she knows Hank and nails the incredibly technical yodel -- the

most difficult

one in Hank’s songbook - in Long Gone Lonesome Blues. Mm...Lovesick Blues though, that also strikes fear into my heart. Anyway stay mad I guess?”

Day 26 - A song by your favorite band

Gun Shy by 10,000 Maniacs

“10,000 Maniacs was one of my favorite bands when I was in like 5th grade through 10th. I listened to them for a little while after Natalie Merchant left for a solo career, but the Natalie Merchant era was really what resonated with me the most. Gun Shy was a bit too advanced for my little 5th, 7th grade ears to really appreciate when I first discovered the album In My Tribe. Merchant’s voice -- because like, I don’t have a very conventional voice either, so her and Dolores O’Riordan really changed my entire perspective on what a woman’s voice can sound like in rock music. Um, yeah, so her voice more than the lyrics just wowed me. And as I got closer to graduating high school and especially in college I actually understood what What’s The Matter Here, Hey Jack Kerouac, and Gun Shy were talking about. Gun Shy...really became a significant song to me because...being born in 1980 I grew up in a relatively peaceful time. The Cold War was all but thawed by my tenth birthday. But I was getting ready to leave my then-boyfriend-now-husband’s apartment for class at NYU on the morning of 9/11. We stood in line for hours to donate blood. And then my government invaded two completely unrelated countries and jingoism and terrifying, fervent nationalism, and xenophobia just smacked me in the face. And friends of mine from high school were convicted to drop out of college and join the Army, and died, for an unjust, imperialist war, and suddenly Phil Ochs, John Prine, and Bob Dylan lyrics hit a lot different, and I understood what Gun Shy was really about.”

Day 27 - A song you hate by an artist you love

Mrs.Robinson by Simon & Garfunkel 

“Paul Simon is one of my favorite songwriters ever, um, and I actually used to like Mrs. Robinson….until I got married and everyone sang it at me. It’s kind of my fault, I did choose to take my husband’s last name. And I leaned into it by making my social media handles all Mrs. Robinson...but still. Only play the song around me if you want to die.”

Day 28 - A song that a younger you would have loved

Mean by Taylor Swift

“I’m so genuinely glad that I am older than Taylor Swift. Middle school Franny did not need Taylor Swift to enable me and fuel my ego. Some of her singles, while not really 35 and 40 year old Franny’s cup of tea, young me would have played until my mother hid the record or cassette from me. Although - fuck if Tim McGraw didn’t immediately give my happily married ass flashbacks to my first love and make me bawl like a baby? Right, so when Speak Now came out and I listened to it, Mean, while not a song that adult me has listened to maybe more like ten times, I immediately thought ‘wow, I needed this song when I was in middle and high school.’ I could literally picture 7th grade me with my little guitar and my little cowboy boots my dad bought for me singing this at the talent show making eye contact with the kids who bullied me as if it was some kind of own when it’s not. I could still, almost thirty years later, name them if I really wanted. So, for 7th grade me, Mean by Taylor Swift.”

Day  29- A song that reminds you of your partner/spouse

ផាត់ជាយបណ្តូលចិត្ / Phat Cheay Bon'dol Chet by Sinn Sisamuth (translation) (female singer covering it) (modern, studio recording of a male and female singer dueting it) (a cool violin cover) (another female singer) (cool guitar cover)

Feat. some members of Seoul Hanoi’d. Andy Chaiyaporn (violin), Max Cho (piano), Jodie Batbayar (cello), Aisulu Niyazova-Li (percussion) and Franny has her guitar

“The song, lyrically, only reminds me of my husband a little bit. But Phat Cheay Bondol Chet has several memories with my husband attached to it. The first time he heard me sing in Khmer was at my mother’s house in Atlanta when I had him visit the first time to meet my parents. My mom had a little dinner party at our house to show him off, like Asian moms do when they think their daughter snags a good one, and I was hand washing the dishes while my mom and the other Cambodian parents were listening to Sinn Sisamuth records. I’ve always loved the song I’ll be showing y’all today, like I’ve always just stopped what I was doing and -- so it came on and I just started singing along without really being aware of it. And then at a different diaspora get together that summer, that song came on and I just kinda. Pulled him aside to the side yard of that person’s house to look at the stars with him and translated the song. It’s one of the Khmer songs he instantly recognizes now, so it’s special.”

Franny did NOT say in the video that college her 100% had him sit in the grass with her outside that person’s house, where nobody could see, so she could makeout with him 

 Day 30- A song by one of your favorite songwriters

Reincarnation by Roger Miller

Feat. Seoul Hanoi’d, done more in the style of the Cake cover 

Also instead of singing the lyric “you’re a girl, I’m a boy” she goes “you’re a girl, so am I” because she doesn’t ever change pronouns, she just makes it gay because she is a bi-con

“Roger Miller, to me, is as important as Dolly Parton, Paul Simon, Bob Dylan, in the American songbook. He’s not as talked about which is a shame because his discography is iconic. Getting to be a part of King of The Road was one of the highlights of my career.”

[journal-of-an-outlaw]

Price to be Paid - Chapter 14

Is This a Bad Idea? Ao3 Link

Words: 3055

Note: I’m so sorry it took me this long to update!! Wordtober has been my focus this month so once that is done I’m back to weekly updates. Anyways! Hope you all enjoy, there is some violence and fluff in this chapter to be warned! 

Sadie decided to ride along, too. 

She had been heading back from guard duty when you and John blew by and hollered until you stopped and picked her up. When she heard it was a secret rescue mission you two were off to, her eyes lit up, and she motioned for you to help her swing on to the back of your saddle. 

John nearly lost it at having to ride with two women. He was used to only men who were steel strong at his side, and although he would never admit being slightly afraid of Sadie, you were softer and less experienced so he could take out his frustration on you. John felt out in the open and exposed riding with you two and he made it known. 

Sadie heckled John right back after a few minutes. “This horse is carrying two and still riding faster than you, Martson! Wish I had time to grab Bob and show you how a real outlaw rides.” 

Bob, Sadie’s horse, had been left at camp. You never knew why she named him something so simple but at least it wasn’t a name to be forgotten anytime soon. 

While the two of you rode on she held on to your waist with one arm, the other brandishing her pistol up in the air and ready for the first sign of danger. Her hair wiped around her face as she called out directions of where she had seen the others disappear to. Sadie was someone you truly admired for her strength and courage in the face of danger. 

“John! Take a left up here, I saw them head over the hills and off towards this way.”

The man led his horse after her directions, and you rode on for nearly an hour. The sun had long since crossed the horizon and you hoped Eclipse would be able to see the bumps and dips the land formed in utter darkness. 

“Hush now, I see lanterns ahead,” Sadie hopped down from Eclipse once the two horses had come to a stop and walked over to John. “I’ll stay here with Marston, Moore, see if you can coax those fine men into lettin’ us pass. I have a feeling they’ll like you more.”

“Me?” you turned and watched the two smirk over at you. “Why just me?”

John sighed and at least had the dignity to look a bit bashful as he answered. “If we could bat our eyelashes and wiggle them hips to make men listen like you do, we would head over there.” Your face blushed furiously as you spurred Eclipse over to where the men were positioned, the soft laughter of John and Sadie following you. 

“Evening gentlemen! May I pass on through here, or is something wicked coming?” A heavy Southern drawl somehow found its way out of your mouth, unknown to the strangers blocking the road that it wasn't normal.

“Why is a pretty thing like you out alone this late?” 

“Just heading home, sir. I live up on the farm past that lake and ride this way every night.” 

“Unfortunately ma’am, we can’t let you up that way. Heard there was outlaws in these parts, ready to take advantage of whatever fine things come their way.” 

“What if one of you fine, strapping boys was to accompany me?” You ducked your head and batted your lashes, watching them fall under your spell. Flirting had never been your strongest point but these two targets were especially easy. 

In the distance, John and Sadie creeped up the hill guiding his horse. The guards never noticed and eventually let you pass under the ruse that you would be returning to their post soon with some sort of gift. You blew them each a kiss as you rode by and made to meet with the others, careful to not look back in case they decided to follow you over the hill and into the heat of the action. 

You nodded at John when you joined up. Something made you want to impress him, like being Arthur’s younger brother meant he had to like you too. “They’ll be good, we should have nearly an hour. I told them I lived a good ways off.”

Sadie chuckled from the back of Old Boy. “I’m sure they were more than good, YN. But let’s go, I see a farm off in the distance there and some lanterns flickering about.” 

The three of you raced off, and you felt your heart beat faster in your chest. Hopefully no one would hear it if they stood too close, but the danger hiding ahead had you gripping the reigns tighter and tighter. Not even three days after you and Arthur finally admitted your feelings to one another and here you were riding straight into danger to make sure he was okay. You really, really hoped he would be alright.

The negative thoughts and what if’s running through your brain pushed your spurs into Eclipse and she picked up the pace. 

Sadie guided the three of you off the path and into a patch of woods. She pulled out her binoculars to try and see but it was too dark. “Damn, can’t see a thing. John, you think we should wait or advance? Could be our boys holed up in that stable.” 

John contemplated his options. “I don’t see their horses anywhere nearby, hard to know who we’re helping if they’re far enough away. Maybe I can ride up and see.” 

“Look! There’s someone joining them.” 

You moved forward to wave as four men approached the building tentatively, holding their light high above their heads in search of something. Sadie pulled her binoculars out and held your arm down suddenly. 

“They ain’t our boys, YN. I think that’s them Cornwalls the guards we ran into were talking about. John, why don’t you and I come in from the back and surprise those fellers. YN…” She turned back to you and paused for a moment. “You can hold the horses and be ready to help us get out of here. Ain’t sure how this is gonna go.” 

You felt a resentment at the image you had built for yourself and that you couldn't do anything more in this moment except hold horse reins. You floundered, but eventually agreed, watching John and Sadie creep off towards the wooden structures. Their guns glinted in the moonlight and you wished more than anything to be with them. 

“C’mon, girl, let’s go sit and wait.” Eclipse moved slowly in the dark, her ears drawn back and eyes wide. She sensed the static electricity in the air as you walked her and John’s horse quietly to the other side of the trees. 

The moon was high in the sky, wispy clouds crossing its light every so often. Your arms were covered in goosebumps as you and John left so fast you didn’t remember to grab a coat, a thought you now regretted. As the year moved on the night temperatures dropped lower and lower, forcing heavier layers to be worn at all times.  

“S’just the boys, go help them,” you muttered to yourself after a few minutes. Why were they all making a big deal? Wasn’t it supposed to be a simple stage coach robbery? 

Through your binoculars you witnessed why your original thought had been so wrong. 

Shouting and rounds of gunfire made you jump and snapped your attention back to the barn, which was now partially engulfed in flames. As the bullets flew through the air you could see the small bursts of light each time the gunpowder ignited. Your heart pounded as you desperately searched for some sign of life of those you knew. 

Shadows danced as figures moved out of cover to shoot and back again, but your position on the wooded hill offered no hope at distinguishing faces. Trying to see this far away was hopeless, but you knew you couldn’t leave your position and risk the horses running off. 

You sure hoped those figures moving towards you were friendly.

Four bodies slipped into the night as the barn continued to burn. It was nearly all engulfed in flames which lit up the area a bit and you breathed a sigh of relief as you saw Charles, Bill, Uncle, and finally Arthur move into the tree line. John and Sadie were nowhere in sight. 

“Charles! Arthur!” You whispered loudly. The men were a decent ways away and didn’t hear you, but you were cautious that being any louder would signal the Cornwall men to your location. 

Moving Eclipse forward slowly, you tried to catch the group as they began to run through the trees. The fact that John and Sadie were missing was nagging at the back of your mind. 

“Alright fellers. We better split up so we don’t have too much trouble, now.”

You heard Arthur grunt. “Trouble you caused, Uncle! You better hope Cornwall doesn’t follow us out of here. Now, we tied the horses up around here somewhere, Uncle you ride back with Charles, Bill and I will head different ways. Don’t lead anyone back to camp!” 

Arthur stood and watched the others ride off, pulling himself up onto Zeus. He didn’t hear you approach right away but the two horses nickered and he drew his gun up out of habit without seeing who it was.

“YN? That you?” 

You held your hands up mockingly, “It’s me, cowboy. Put that thing down.” 

“What in the hell are you doing out here? Dutch send you?” He closed the small space between you and swept you into his arms. You could hear how fast his heart was beating as you rested your head on his chest. 

“No, rode out with John and Sadie. Wanted to make sure you were alright, does robbing a carriage normally take this long?

“No,” Arthur chuckled while scanning the woods around you, “it doesn’t. Where are Mrs. Adler and Marston? Don’t see ‘em with you.” 

You shook your head. “I thought they were with you. We stopped up on that hill and they went down to help. I haven’t seen them for half an hour at least. I got stuck babysitting the horses.” 

Arthur rubbed his jaw and continued to look around. The area was silent, even the sounds of the others riding away had faded and left you alone. The burning from the barn was silent at this time of the night. 

“Let’s head back, see if we can find them.” 

Riding back out of the woods proved of little use as John and Sadie were still missing. Arthur didn’t have to say it out loud for you to know what that look on his face meant. It had been too long since they snuck off and far too quiet. 

A scream pierced the air that you recognized as Sadie’s. Both of you spurred off in that direction as two shots rang out as well. 

“Take that you shit eating scum!” 

At the edge of the woods you saw why they had been delayed. John held a smoking gun out as a Cornwall man had Sadie held up by the neck. She fought and wiggled about but couldn't escape his grip. From the looks of things John had just taken out another who was approaching through the trees but never made it close.

“Just leave me with the girl, scar face, and walk off like nothing happened. Mr. Cornwall will let you all live for once!” 

‘Not a chance!” John’s ragged voice replied. “Get back before I shoot you too.” 

The guard chuckled darkly at this, pulling a knife out to point at Sadie’s neck. You looked over at Arthur, unsure of your next move but found him dismounting and motioning for you to stay put. You nodded, happy to not approach the men. 

Sadie moved again and yelled as the knife cut into the chest. It was pure rage that poured out of her and not an ounce of fear. You found yourself again admiring her tenacity while staring death in the face. 

She must have caught sight of Arthur coming up as she started laughing, and spit on the ground. 

"You fool just about to meet your maker! You ready?" She swung her head back and slammed into the nose of her attacker just as Arthur jumped on his back. All three went sprawling, and Sadie frantically lunged after the knife that had fallen in the grass. 

John watched, gun aimed at the guard, knowing that if he fired he could hit either of his gang instead of the damn Cornwall man. 

Your hands were numb from how hard you gripped the reigns and how useless you felt sitting up on the hill. You wanted to cry out but couldn't risk distracting someone you cared about.

Finally Sadie found the knife and swung around, meeting the neck of the taller man. He gasped and spluttered, hands clawing at the metal weapon but was gone in moments. She wiped her face with blood covered hands in an attempt to clean herself, but it had the wrong effect. She ended up looking downright terrifying. 

As soon as the movement stopped you charged in, angry and scared about what could have gone wrong. 

"Arthur!!" 

Your voice was laced with worry and fear, and he turned at the sound of your approach. It took everything you had not to throw your arms around him, but Sadie and John watched you run down the hill. 

"Thank god you're all alright. I didn't know how to find you without causing a scene and didn't want to draw attention. Guess I didn't need to…" 

John rubbed his face with his hand, dragging it slowly to release tension. "This is a god damned mess. Let's get out of here before someone comes looking." 

Sadie wiped the knife off, and with John's help climbed up onto Old Boy to lead the way. Arthur trailed behind you. 

Most of the ride back was silent, your head spinning from what you witnessed as you rode away. Another life taken, just like that. All that blood and fighting Sadie seemed to revel in seemed so forgein to you, like a language you didn’t quite understand.

"YN, can we speak? In private?" 

Arthur’s voice pulled you from your thoughts. The small group had arrived back at camp already. Everything was silent except for the murmured greeting from whoever was on guard duty and the quiet movement of the lake. 

After giving Eclipse a treat you followed Athur into his tent. Ms. Grimshaw had bulked up the exterior with walls now that winter was getting closer. They served as an excellent block from peeping eyes around camp. 

As soon as the flap closed Arthur pulled you in to him. His lips covered yours with a hunger you haven’t experienced in a long time and it scared you how fast you felt the same. Your hands reached up and pushed his broad brimmed hat, earning a chuckle as it hit the ground. You could feel the low rumble from his chest as you were pressed up against him with one hand running through your hair and the other keeping you in place on your lower back. It was overwhelming and wonderful all at once. 

Arthur gained confidence from the small noises escaping you and moved to kiss and suck on your neck. His stubble tickled slightly as it brushed along. You moaned as he hit a particularly sensitive spot, causing Arthur to groan back, hot breath against your neck. 

His hands slid under your thighs and you felt him lift up, then lean back onto his cot. By now your heart was thundering in your chest and the blood pumping through your veins was hot and fast. Apparently the thrill of battle got Arthur going. 

Hovering above you, Arthur paused for a moment. The space between you was small, and taken up by a shared breath as your chests rose and fell in time. Arthur’s gaze was locked with your own as if he was measuring how far he could push things. 

“Should we stop…”

“No it’s...not yet.”

“We don’t have to, you know…”

Feeling bold you grabbed his tie and pulled him to you again, lips crashing into one another. You could have stayed like this forever, fighting for dominance but happy to lose if it meant Arthur would kiss your neck just like that again. 

After awhile you pushed on his chest, needing a moment to think. He winked at you and moved to sit on the end of his bed, adjusting his pants in the process. 

“Sorry to just jump you like that.” Arthur rubbed the back of his neck and you laughed softly, pushing him playfully with your boot.  

“Don’t ever apologize for feeling like that, Arthur Morgan. It’s just...we’re…” you fumbled to find the right words, but Arthur reached over and squeezed your hand, knowing what to say. 

“New. I know. You just looked so damn good with that wind in your hair I couldn’t help myself.” 

He stood and stretched, the small strip of skin between his shirt and belt showing which made your face flush all over again. 

“Guess I should get on to bed, it’s late enough and we got that ball coming up with Hosea soon so he’s making us get up and practice dance steps.” 

Something in Arthur’s face made you stop. “Or I could...stay?”

He looked hopeful, smiling as you sat back down on his bed. “It’s awful cold out there and I’d hate for you to freeze. Maybe you should just sleep in my cot. You know, share body heat and all that.” 

“Alright Mr. Morgan, I’ll share your bed. But no funny business, just good old fashioned sleeping for warmth. Like folks do.”

“Mr. Morgan!” You squealed as Arthur pressed you down on the bed again, hands held above your head and legs trapped below his. “Woman, that’s a dangerous game you play.” 

“Well, I’m sure we can figure out some sort of punishment between you and I, Mr. Morgan.”

By the time you fell asleep you were sure the entire camp knew you two were together from the sounds that echoed across the small grass clearing.

[dictionarywrites]

      Know Your Jeffs: A Guide To Goldblum’s Characters

This isn’t an exhaustive list, and I will be updating it as I watch more Goldblum movies, adding in the characters as I pick them up! Everything is below the cut so that I can just update as I take more stuff in. 

The descriptions of movies and characters are very much not impartial, but they should give you an idea of what you’re in for if you want to look the film up. I’m only including stuff I’ve already seen, plus Raines, which I feel like I’m never gonna be able to get hold of, and am heartbroken about.

Movies are listed in CHRONOLOGICAL order, but if you CTRL+F, you can search for a particular character name, date, or movie/TV title. This is very much under construction. There are currently 40 Jeffs on the list. 

1978 - Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers, dir. Philip Kaufman - IMDb

Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers is a film about a kind of alien who comes to Earth and steals people’s bodies - effectively, they make up their own pod-versions of them, and then turn the original to dust.

Jack Bellicec is a poet in New York City, who owns a bathhouse with his wife, Nancy. This film is a sci-fi horror, and Jack is earnest but antsy throughout - he’s a real cutie, and every much a good guy. He’s just the sweetest, and is generally in a state of complete and utter terror, whilst still trying to keep grounded and keep thinking forward.

1980 - The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow, dir. Henning Schellerup, IMDb

Okay, so, for a stupid TV movie from the 80s, this is actually really cute It loosely follows the plot of the short story, but generally with a happier ending and a lot more fun antics from Ichabod Crane, and it’s just great fun. A schoolteacher comes to the valley of Sleepy Hollow, and finds himself facing down the silly ghost stories continuously thrown forward by the locals.

Ichabod Crane is the cutest - he’s soft and sweet with the children, like he is in the short story, on top of being lanky and clumsy and a little stupid; he lacks a lot of his arrogance that he has in the short story, and instead he’s much less of a dick when he criticizes the ghost stories and stuff. He’s lovely, I adore him. 

1980 - Tenspeed and Brownshoe, TV Series - IMDb

Tenspeed and Brownshoe is a delight - it’s a detective TV series with a very light-hearted tone, and it’s very comfortable to just settle back and watch casually. 

Lionel Whitney is... a trip. A chartered accountant turned gumshoe, Lionel starts his own detective agency in L.A. after breaking up with his fiancée and meeting the charming (and duplicitous) E.L. Turner, a conman and scam artist. E.L. is his partner in the business, and the two combine strengths - Lionel with his idolisation of and knowledge of the 40s pulp fictional detective, Mark Savage, as well as his black belt in karate; E.L. with his thousands of accumulated skills, including being a master of disguise, a smooth-talker, and a winner at sleight of hand. 

Lionel is a dote: he’s just the sweetest, and he really gives off Bertie Wooster vibes, but with an air of genuine competence Mr Wooster never had. He’s truly incredible, and all the episodes of Tenspeed and Brownshoe are up on YouTube, so it’s really worth watching!

1981 - Threshold, dir. Richard Pearce - IMDb

Okay, so Threshold... Big old snooze fest. Not a very engaging movie, not an especially good movie - I forgot a good deal of the movie after I finished watching it. It was uninspiring and a bit bland. The concept is basically that a pioneer in mechanical science re: bio-engineering comes up with a heart valve to replace a little girl’s heart - the pioneer being Jeff Goldblum’s character - and a doctor puts it in the little girl, but it’s a very unpopular decision, because it’s not organic. Obviously, in the 80s, that was a much bigger deal than it is now. 

Aldo Gehring is just... Adorable. Too earnest, a little bit arrogant, and he’s just far too baby-faced for the age he’s textually said to be to be believable, but like... You know! It’s a dull movie either way, and Aldo isn’t a huge part of it. 

1983 - The Big Chill, dir. Lawrence Kasdan - IMDb

The Big Chill is a film about a group of college friends that meet up for the first time in like, a decade after one of their closest friends commits suicide. They all come for the funeral, and spend a few days together in the aftermath.

A lot of people seem to dislike Michael Gold, but like, he’s kind of one of the most tragic of the figures in the movie - a lot of their friends don’t remember him initially, and he really isn’t good at doing anything other than compartmentalising and shoving down his emotions. He’s brittle and a little sharp, and maybe a bit too honest for his own good, but I really love him, and I totally rec him if you can handle the subject matter, which is obviously very grim and very sad.

1984 - The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, dir. W.D. Richter - IMDb

Buckaroo Banzai is a guy who’s basically, like, any eight-year-old’s Mary Sue - he’s a cowboy, a neurosurgeon, an expert test pilot, a rockstar, etc... And they play it completely straight. Leading his band of hypercompetent pretty boys, The Hong-Kong Cavaliers, he saves the world, if not the universe, on the regular. 

Doctor Sidney Zweibel, a.k.a. New Jersey, is a new addition to the team in The Adventures, and he’s a neurosurgeon who went to med school with Buckaroo. He’s a would-be cowboy, complete with boots, hat and chaps, and he’s just the cutest thing in the world, a sweet and pure boy. 10/10 Goldblums for Sid Zweibel.

1985 - Silverado, dir. Lawrence Kasdan - IMDb

Mmm, Silverado is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and it has little to no plot. Even for a Western, I found it incredibly dry and disjointed, and I can’t in good fatih recommend it to anybody, even though John Cleese is inexplicably a sheriff midway through.

However. Slick (whose actual name is Calvin Stanhope) is really fucking hot, and so you should watch his scenes on YouTube, even if you don’t watch the movie (which you shouldn’t). Slick’s screentime tocks up to around 15-20 minutes, out of a movie that’s genuinely like, two and a half hours long.

Slick is like, a casino man with a knife in his boot; he wears furs; he’s terrible. He’s so great, I adore him. 

1985 - Into The Night, dir. John Landis - IMDb

Into The Night is... a little hard to describe. It’s like, a crime thriller movie with Jeff Goldblum and Michelle Pfeiffer, and with a cameo from David Bowie, as well as about 700 other Hollywood lads who Landis knew. I think the plot is... loose, and the film itself isn’t the greatest, but the main characters are pretty great.

Ed Okin is an astrophysicist dissatisfied with his job and his life in general, who abruptly becomes plagued by this inescapable insomnia, and subsequently becomes embroiled in this whole crime plot across from Pfeiffer. I really love Ed - because of the insomnia, he tends to underreact to most of the situations around him, and he’s very likable.

1985 - Transylvania 6-5000, dir. Ruby de Luca - IMDb

Is TR 6-5000 a good movie? No, absolutely not. But should you watch it? Oh, yes. 

This is like, a comedy/absurdist horror/pastiche, lots... It’s lots of stuff. Basically, these two reporters who do a Weekly World News style thing go to Transylvania to report on Frankenstein, and also meet some Igors, a werewolf, a vampire, etc.

Jack Harrison is such a great character - he’s pretty much eternally looking after his hapless partner, Gil, but both of them are as ridiculous as the other, each of them stumbling into bizarre situations. Definitely don’t take the movie too seriously, but it really is a fun thing, and it’s certainly worth watching for the goofy trip it is. Jack is a real sweetheart, and he’s so lovable - Gil certainly thinks so. ;)

1986 - The Fly, dir. David Cronenburg - IMDb

So, fair warning, I nearly vomited like, several times watching The Fly, and was on the verge of just turning it off a few times. It’s nearly forty years old, but the body horror of the effects really stands up, and it’s very gory toward the end.  Despite its well-earned rep as such a gory film, though, The Fly is actually a heartbreaking tragedy, so definitely don’t expect it to be lacking in the feels department if you can stomach it.

Seth Brundle (yeah, poor guy, what a name) is a really impressive engineer and scientist, and he invents a machine that should enable him to teleport objects from one electronic pod to another. Unfortunately, when teleporting himself, he becomes melded with an intruder to the pod - a fly - and begins a horrifying transition into something other than human.

Seth at the start is... He’s a genius, but he’s naive, arrogant, and a little too trusting in how earnest he is. As time goes on, and he begins the change into Brundlefly, he becomes much more erratic, and his personality changes a lot. I totally rec Seth, honestly. 

1988 - Vibes, dir. Ken Kwapis - IMDB

Vibes is a fucking trip. It’s a movie about two psychics - Jeff Goldblum’s character, Nick Deezy, who can tell the history of an object by touching it, and Cyndi Lauper’s character, Sylvia Pickel, who is a medium. Yes, you read that right. Cyndi Lauper. It’s incredible.

Vibes is actually a much better movie than I expected - it’s a genuinely funny comedy, it’s ridiculous and cartoonish and stupid, but it’s fun. Cyndi Lauper and Goldblum have a tango scene at one point, and the height differential is so extreme that she’s literally wrapped around his waist and he’s just carrying her around.

Nick Deezy himself is a really interesting character - he’s kinda used to being used and pushed around because of his psychic powers, but he’s a guy with such a lot of courage and genuine empathy for others, and I just think he’s so sweet. 

1988 - Earth Girls Are Easy,  dir. Julien Temple - IMDb

So... Earth Girls Are Easy is in the same vein as Vibes for me - it’s a fun romp, and so long as you don’t take it too seriously, it’s a really enjoyable movie. It’s about these three furry aliens that drop down to Earth, and are trying to pick up the language and have a good time. It’s good banter, and it’s also a musical, because-- It was 1988, okay? 

Mac is like, probably one of the most genuinely sweet characters out of the ones on this list - he’s very caring, and he’s doing his best to do good whilst not really being able to navigate the world around him very easily. He’s wonderful, and I can’t rec Earth Girls enough.

He’s also a big, furry, blue guy in his underwear for the first part of the movie, if that helps.

1989 - The Tall Guy, dir. Mel Smith - IMDb

So, disclaimer. This film is written by Richard Curtis, so like... It’s snappy, it’s clever, but it’s also a little insufferable and kinda misogynistic the whole way through, with the classic Curtis obsession with infidelity, where characters cheat on one another whether it makes sense or not.

That aside, I really enjoyed the first two acts of this movie, and while the third one falls very flat, I still think it’s worth watching. Goldblum’s character, Dexter King, plays the straight man in Rowan Atkinson’s comedy sketch act, but goes on to have a romantic relationship with Emma Thompson, and those links are just... So cute.

I think Dexter is kind of a dick, but by no means does that make him unlikable, and I’d still rec The Tall Guy! I’m not sure how long Goldblum was in the UK for - there’s a nude sex scene with Goldblum and Thompson, and I was really thrown, because he’s super pale in this film, compared to similar nude scenes in like, The Fly. So there’s your fun tidbit for the day lmao.

1990 - Mister Frost, dir. Philippe Setbon - IMDb

This film is... Odd. As a thriller, it’s fine - you know, it’s average. It isn’t so terrible, but it’s not great either. But as like, a film, there are aspects where it’s just inexplicably terrible - some of the lines are dubbed over, for some reason, and the sound quality is so off in random moments; there are odd moments where the camera is just too close to the actors’ faces, even for a close-up; technically, this film just has some bizarre and glaring... errors.

The plot is interesting, though, and I did enjoy it for that aspect - Mister Frost is a serial killer institutionalized in an attempt to cure him of his murderous tendencies, and he then professes to be Lucifer himself. 

Mister Frost is a funny guy. He’s snide, clever, self-obsessed and sharp - I really liked him, and I totally think he’s worth a watch.

1992 - Fathers & Sons, dir. Paul Mones - IMDb

[icon to be added if I can ever get a decent fucking picture or screencap or something of this film]

This film was bad. I didn’t care for it. Fathers & Sons is, however, like... Very human, I guess. Max, Goldblum’s character, runs a bookstore on the coast and is having trouble communicating with his son, Ed; there’s a lot of tension between them based off the death of Ed’s mother and Max’s own character flaws, as well as Max’s temper. There’s fucking voiceover in the film, which is used clumsily and just comes across as terrible, but there aren’t any glaring technical issues throughout like there are with Mister Frost.

Max himself is not, in my opinion, a very likable character? He’s certainly relatively sympathetic, and you can see where he’s coming from, but he’s got a terrible temper and the tension with Ed is very much his own doing in a lot of respects - despite my personal dislikes, however, Goldblum is as ever a marvel, and you really do feel that Max is a whole, complete person.

1992 - Shooting Elizabeth, dr. Baz Taylor - IMDb

This film was a fucking trip and a half. The premise is that this guy, Howard, really hates his wife, and decides he hates her so much that he’s gonna kill her, but when she goes missing, he is arrested for her murder even though he never got around to it. It’s a generically confused movie which neither really meets its labelled genres of comedy or thriller, but wouldn’t do well under drama or romance either. It’s odd.

Howard Pigeon, as a character, is deeply unstable. A lot of the moments in the movie that I think are meant to be comedic just end up being tragic, because you can see how upset he is, how freaked out he is, and how disconnected from reality and rational thought he is. He’s also just... A really fucking bad person, but to be honest, so is his wife, so like... Hey. It is what it is, I guess. 

1992 - Deep Cover, dir. Bill Duke - IMDb

Deep Cover is fucking incredible. It’s easily one of my favourite movies now, and I just die over it, to be honest. Playing across from Laurence Fishburne (then billed as Larry), David Jason (Elias in the script, and I don’t know why they changed it, maybe to make his name less blatantly Jewish, but I assume none of them had ever heard of Only Fools and Horses) is a low-down cocaine mogul trying to break out on his own from the local boss. 

He’s a fascinating character, and I just adore him - the film itself is a very gritty noir that really considers lines of racial intersection and prejudice within both the police force and the drug trade, and David himself is constantly suffering from antisemitism and a lot of very targeted homophobic remarks, and it’s heavily implied he wants to fuck John, Laurence Fishburne’s character. David is erratic, sharp, and extremely brittle with a very short temper: he and John kinda balance each other out, because John’s a much cooler, calmer guy, and I just love their dynamic.

David’s my son. I love him. I will cry over him forever. 

1993 - Jurassic Park, dir. Steven Spielberg - IMDB        ↪1997 - Jurassic Park: The Lost World, dir. Steven Spielberg - IMDb        ↪2018 - Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, dir. J.A. Bayona - IMDb

So, like, I’m sure you know the basic concept of Jurassic Park. A crazed Walt Disney parody in white linen with seemingly unlimited money decides to clone a bunch of fucking dinosaurs and put them into a theme park, and it goes horribly wrong. These films are genuinely great sci-fi, raising some wonderful philosophical questions about ownership, ethics, and our place in the universe, and the voice of that philosophy usually belongs to Doctor Ian Malcolm, a mathematician who specialises in chaos theory.

Ian Malcolm... I just adore him, I really do. You know, I’ve read the book of course, as well as the seen all the Jurassic Park and Jurassic World movies, and Ian is just a delight - he’s bright, he’s sarcastic, but he’s genuinely full of feeling and so eager to talk to other people, to connect with them, etc. I just find him fascinating, and even if sci-fi isn’t your thing, you’ll love Jurassic Park for him alone.

He reprises his role in the latest Jurassic World movie - I can’t, in all good conscience, really recommend the Jurassic World movies, but... He is a silver fox. 

1995 - Hideaway, dir. Brett Leonard - IMDb

Hideaway is a supernatural thriller based around the concept of demonic possession, and an antiques dealer - Hatch Harrison - finds he has visions of a local serial killer after being revived from being dead for several minutes. Using those visions to thwart the killer, he and his family realise the cause is supernatural. 

Hatch is a really cool dude, and I like him a lot - he’s got the strongest dad energies, and he’s so, so caring. Even grieving and tense, like, he’s just doing his best, and he’s such a good guy, I really adore him. 

1995 - Nine Months, dir. Chris Columbus - IMDb

Nine Months is a terrible movie thick with a deeply unsettling ideology re: the whole “everybody really wants kids and must have them”, and I honestly despised it throughout. It’s just a terrible movie, and Columbus always ranges from “this guy is a vaguely bad director” to “this guy is a fucking twat”, and there is nothing vague about the badness of this movie.

That aside, however, Goldblum’s character is kind of a delight. Sean Fletcher is a painter (of paintings, not houses) and like... Layabout? He’s a little erratic, he changes his mind about stuff constantly, but he’s a really sound guy, and he cares a lot about Hugh Grant’s character, who is the protagonist. He’s really fun in a movie that’s just garbage the way through. 

1995 - Powder, dir. Victor Salva - IMDb

Powder is a very sad movie, to be honest. It’s about this lad who’s like, an albino with telekinetic powers, and when his parents die, he ends up having to go into the public school system, where he’s bullied an awful lot. It’s extremely brutal about a lot of the bullying stuff, and it does come across very accurately; just as a general warning, there’s... an uncomfortable tone to it, although nothing directly or graphically terrible, especially re: sexuality, which I noticed even before looked Salva up and realised he was that paedophile that did Jeepers Creepers. It’s just something to be aware of.

Jeff’s character is... a delight, however. Donald Ripley is a high school teacher who’s genuinely really passionate about teaching, has no small amount of sympathy for all of his students, and is just-- He’s really sweet, and I love him. Despite the uncomfortable gaze of the film, he retains a paternal air, and I love it.  

1996 - Independence Day, dir. Roland Emmerich - IMDb          ↪2016 - Independence Day: Resurgence, dir. Roland Emmerich - IMDb

Independence Day, honestly, I expected to be like, bad sci-fi dreck, and it genuinely isn’t. While I think the premise is inherently stupid (the whole evil aliens invade thing), it’s actually executed so well, and I just love it as a flick - Judaism saves the day in many aspects, and it’s so nice to have that positive thing mixed up in it.

David Levinson is such a sweet guy - he’s arrogant and a little bit of an ass, but like, he’s so caring: he constantly worries about his dad, he’s so loyal to his ex-wife without being creepy or weird about it after like, three years; he fucking recycles and uses his bike to get around the city... Like, he’s an underachiever initially, but he’s a genuinely nice guy despite his abrasive personality at times, you know?

I just love him.  

And he reprises the role in the new movie, which isn’t as good as the first one, but is still worth a watch for Julius Levinson’s antics, picking up grandchildren as he drives across America. 

1998 - Holy Man, dir. Stephen Herek - IMDb

My full review of Holy Man is here.

Holy Man is not a good film. It’s about an exec who runs a TV shopping channel, but is like, really shit at it, and he ends up getting G., a homeless guru played by Eddie Murphy, to sell stuff for him. Nonsensical and odd although the film is, it’s actually surprisingly sweet and wholesome, and I really enjoyed a lot of the humour. 

Ricky is a pretty bad guy at the beginning, but he’s slick and fun and good-humoured - he’s mostly just selfish more than outright evil, and he actually ends up becoming a lot less selfish toward the end of the film. He’s a sweetheart, in some respects. 

2001 - Cats & Dogs, dir. Lawrence Guterman - IMDb

God, this movie is so bad, and so much more racist than I remembered? There’s this whole racist sequence with some ninja cats, complete with the chopsticks-style music playing in the background, and that’s... Awful. 

But Charles Brody is actually really funny, to be honest. Goldblum somehow makes him feel really human - earnest and work-obsessed, but still desperate to be a good father despite not being naturally inclined, and that’s... Honestly, I hate it when he does this. He takes the stupidest character in the stupidest movie and makes them feel like a real person, and I hate him for it.

Brody is cute. 

2002 - Igby Goes Down, dir. Burr Steers - IMDb

Igby Goes Down is... Hm. What best to call it? Insipid teenage horseshit. The whole film is just fucking terrible, honestly - it centres around the Culkin that isn’t Kevin in Home Alone, and he’s some unbearable little New York teenager who thinks the world revolves around him and is upset at the prospect that perhaps he should go to school and/or get a job. 

Anyway, Goldblum is at his least moral and most hot, he is revolting, and he is so sexy. There’s a weird thing where he’s the family friend of a family that’s pretty anti-semitic, but they play it straight, as if Jeff Goldblum’s face isn’t one of the most Jewish faces anybody’s ever seen, but that aside, he’s really sexy. Sociopathic, abruptly violent, and infrequently undressed, but it’s not worth watching the rest of the film for, to be honest. 

2003 - Spinning Boris, dir. Roger Spottiswoode - IMDb

Spinning Boris. What a film.

Here, listen, we just watched this, me and @annethecatdetective, and it was absolutely nothing that I expected,or could expect. It’s a heavily fictionalised “based on a true story” film about three Rpublicans who went to work on the Boris Yeltsin campaign in ‘96. We, apparently, are once again meant to believe Jeff Goldblum as a goyische Republican, which--

I mean, what can I tell you? He does it so well. George Gorton’s fictionalised counterpart is charismatic, charming and funny, but so is most of the movie - the Republican trio are all morons, but that actually lends to their likability in the end, and Gorton is the most lovable of the three, taking the foreground. This movie was like, actually really good.  

2004 - The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, dir. Wes Anderson - IMDb

I hated this film, and had to fast-forward a lot of it. I’m not a fan of Anderson at all, much as Goldblum is always singing his praises - I just don’t get it, I guess. Anderson is a master of visual spectacle, but he’s one of the worst writers out there, and pithy lines don’t make up for the complete lack of character that any of his films have.

Alistair Hennessy is no exception. He’s pithy, vaguely (comedically?) sociopathic, and is kinda DTF... And that’s about it. Even Goldblum can’t really add that much depth to this guy, because there’s no depth in other characters for him to play off. 

2006 - Man of the Year, dir. Barry Levinson - IMDb

Mmm, so, Man of the Year surprised me. 

It’s definitely quite weak, when it comes to plot and writing - the jokes aren’t at their strongest; it can’t really decide whether it wants to be a comedy or a political thriller; some of the jokes and commentary are very off-colour and have not aged well; it seeks to set out a political moral without making any particular targets. Nonetheless, I rather enjoyed it - it doesn’t pretend to be a higher art than it is, and I think it’s still enjoyable. The primary drawback is probably that the premise of a comedian being elected president of the USA is much less hilariously unbelievable in the wake of the Trump campaign, and that colours my perception a little - some of the protag’s comments about immigration or women, the way he responds to other candidates in debate, Hell, even Robin Williams’ wearing of a red baseball cap at one point... All of those elements kinda take the humour out of it a bit because of the Trump election, but hey, it was 2006 - how could they possibly know?

Goldblum’s character in this, Mr Stewart, is the lawyer and primed attack dog of a corrupt company that produces the electronic voting machines responsible for Williams’ character being elected. He isn’t at his most Goldblum-esque in this, I have to say - he’s sharp, nasty, and very business-focused, but he doesn’t get that much time on screen, and his on-screen moments don’t lean very much into his usual charm and humour. Stewart is actually a very dull, run-of-the-mill evil corporate type, and he was a pretty boring character. 

2007 - Raines, TV Series - IMDb

I will write whatever you want if you can get me a download link for this, or somewhere where I can just buy the fucking series, from Ireland. I am desperate to watch it, because it looks fucking awful. Michael Raines is a detective who hallucinates that his victims help him solve the crimes.

Doesn’t that sound so bad? I need it. 

2009-2010 - Law & Order: Criminal Intent, TV Series - IMDb

So like, you know the shtick with Law & Order. It’s a gory, stupid crime procedural that’s just really stupid. This one, Criminal Intent, is about major crimes, but honestly, I have little to no idea exactly what a major crime is, even having watched the two seasons in which Zach Nichols is a marauding force. 

Zach Nichols himself is... Fascinating. So, you know how there’s this fucking trend of just, mean detective who everyone lets be mean because he’s a ~genius~ or whatever, and everyone is always like “ugh, he fucking sucks, but we gotta let him do that”? That is not the case with Zach Nichols. Zach Nichols is nothing short of a genuine sociopath, continuously manipulative, randomly and without provocation is he cruel to victims, witnesses and criminals alike. At no point does anybody call him out for being terrible, or even admitting he’s being terrible. It’s like no one registers the cruelty of his behaviour, or cares.

Honestly, I expect it’s quite accurate as to the New York police system, and in the mean time, it’s really fucking hot. He’s my favourite of all of Goldblum’s characters, and he disgusts me on literally every level. 

2010 - Morning Glory, dir. Roger Michell - IMDb

Morning Glory is... It starts out very bland and uninspiring, but it does grow on you more as it goes on. In my opinion, it would have been better if they’d just tried to bill it genuinely, as a comedy-drama, which is what it is - instead, they tried to shoehorn in a very ugly actor I forget the name of as a love interest for Rachel McAdams, I presume in desperate hope of earning that rom-com dollar. Nonetheless, it’s a cute enough concept - TV journalist gets her dream job running a news studio, and has to get bully and asshole anchor Harrison Ford to be fun and wholesome for the morning show. It’s cute, and I do think it’s worth watching despite some of the issues with it.

Jerry is like... He’s so fucking great. Jerry is just an ass. He’s rude, he’s biting, he’s constantly telling McAdams’ character to make stuff that is impossible work, and he very much eats, breathes, and sleeps his job, while packing in time to jog and to fuck an extremely stupid girl, Lisa, he put in the newsroom, who believes in shit like past lives and angels, and is literally the best character in the movie. 

Jerry and Lisa are the fucking greatest, everyone else can go home. 

According to the IMDb credits, he has a wife who is unnamed, but like... I have no memory of her even being in the movie, honestly. It’s not the greatest of cinematic works.

2010 - The Switch, dir. Josh Gordan & Will Speck - IMDb

The Switch? Bad concept. It’s about Jason Bateman’s character stealing the sperm donation that Jennifer Aniston was going to use to get pregnant, and then replacing it with his own. So like, off the bat, the whole reproductive rape, grievious sexual assault thing, that the movie... Kinda expects you to view as romantic? Somehow? I don’t.... get it. Apparently it’s okay because their characters are “friends”.

Anyway, moving onto the important part, Leonard, Jeff’s character, is great. He’s go the BDE going on; at one point he’s walking on the treadmill while eating a candy bar, and mocks Jason Bateman for not doing the same; he’s sarcastic, eccentric, and a massive THOT that lets women handfeed him; and, inexplicably, despite being Jason Bateman’s boss, him and Bateman are best friends. 10 out of 10 Goldblums for Leonard, who they didn’t bother to give a last name to. 

2012 - Zambezia, dir. Wayne Thornley - IMDb

Egh. Like, even for a kid’s movie this one was pretty bland? The actual design and animation is pretty beautiful - I love the designs of all the wildlife, which is the main focus of it, and that’s really well-done throughout; there’s also a star-studded cast of voice actors. The story is pretty dull, and the script ain’t great, but hey. It’s a kid’s movie, and I think it does what it means to do. 

Ajax, Goldblum’s character, is pretty cute - he’s like, a busybody, like the fucking... Toucan or whatever he is in the Lion King. He’s the advisor to the bird king or whatever. That’s... I mean, that’s pretty much it. There’s very little to say here. 

2013 - Le Week-end, dir. Roger Michell - IMDb

Le Week-end is fucking adorable. It’s about this struggling middle-aged couple who go to Paris for a weekend to try to rekindle their marriage, and they run around committing shenanigans, arguing, and generally being a little bit adorable. 

They meet Morgan, who is an old schoolfriend of Jim Broadbent’s character, and is now like, a best-selling writer in economics, and he invites them for a really stupid dinner party full of really impressive people, which makes both of them feel very inadequate. Jim Broadbent spends a lot of the party with Morgan’s weird teenage son, chatting about how Morgan is kind of a dick, but honestly, Morgan is just... Not self-aware. He’s pretty much in love with Jim Broadbent the entire time, and sings everybody’s praises, then comes to rescue them both at the end.

He’s very cute, kinda selfish, kind of disconnected from reality, and I have a lot of affection for him. 

2014 - The Grand Budapest Hotel, dir. Wes Anderson - IMDb

The Grand Budapest Hotel is like... It’s a Wes Anderson film. Egh. 

Deputy Kovacs is probably the least Goldblum-y character in any Goldblum role. He doesn’t have many of the verbal tics, and to be honest, he doesn’t even move his hands in the typical Goldblum fashion - if you look at the dinner scene, you can see his fingers twitching as he tries to keep his hand still. 

Kovacs has some good lines, but like any Anderson character, doesn’t really have a character. 

2015 - Mortdecai, dir. David Koepp - IMDb

Mortdecai is a terrible fucking film, and I despised it. It was just awful, it really was, and Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow’s characters were each fucking insufferable. It’s about this posh cunt who sells art, and then lots of people try to kill him because he’s posh, and a cunt.

Jeff’s character, Milton Krampf, is the father of Olivia Munn’s character, and Olivia Munn is a nymphomaniac who wants to fuck Johnny Depp. Milton gets like, 5 minutes of screentime, and is weirdly on board with his daughter banging Johnny Depp, but that’s it. If you ask my opinion, they should have had Milton try to bang Depp, and let Olivia Munn be in charge, but like... It was a bad movie. There was no thinking outside the box. 

2017 - Thor: Ragnarok, dir. Taika Waititi - IMDb

I mean, what do I even say? 

Thor: Ragnarok is like, my least favourite Thor film, but not because it’s not great. Thor: Ragnarok is so much better than most of the other Marvel films put together - it’s fun, it’s snappy, it’s beautifully shot, it has a vision, etc. etc. Taika Waititi’s humour mostly isn’t my thing, but his comedy is so well-ranging and so well-done that like, even if it isn’t your thing, you still get laughs out of his movies. Ragnarok is a great movie - it’s not my favourite for like, Loki’s characterisation, but... Honestly, when you’re watching it, that stuff just falls away. It’s so entertaining and so well done, even if I don’t agree with some of the characterization and story choices. 

And the GM, God, he’s... Just terrible. I adore him. You know I adore him, this whole blog is just GM fanfiction. He’s an Eldritch being with unlimited power who forces people to fight in an intergalactic alien arena while shtupping Loki Laufeyson and being too lazy to properly rule a planet. What’s not to love?

2018 - Seth Rogen’s Hilarity for Charity, dir. Ryan Polito - IMDb

Hilarity for Charity was not funny, and was generally very painful to watch. I would recommend you skip through all of the “comedy” except for Tiffany Kaddish and John Mulaney. 

At the end of the special, Jeff Goldblum plays the human face of the Netflix Algorithm, and playfully talks about destroying all human life. It’s pretty cute. 

2018 - Isle of Dogs, dir. Wes Anderson - IMDb

I fell asleep during this. Like, within a half hour, I fell asleep. 

Goldblum is underutilised, but to be honest, so are a lot of the characters - Isle of Dogs is a very weird movie, and I’m a little unclear as to some of the choices Anderson made with it, but visually, it’s a very strong movie, and it’s more enjoyable than most. 

I still fell asleep. 

Goldblum’s character, Duke, is like, a husky with a cheerful attitude, and he’s constantly gossiping and making shit up. His lines are good fun.  

2018 - Hotel Artemis, dir. Drew Pearce - IMDb

Now, Hotel Artemis, not a great movie. The plot is very lacking, the characters mostly cardboard archetypes instead of developed individuals... I think the film has a lot of issues with telling the audience the stuff that could be shown much more artfully, but like, egh.

Despite those issues, Orian Franklin - Niagara - is a very interesting character. He’s in the movie for a very short amount of time (barely twenty-five minutes of screentime, if that) but he’s a really interesting enigma, and I really loved what little they bothered to do with him.

He’s one of those characters that’s much more interesting in fanfic than in the canon.