#i think hes a character people who have experienced being closeted or repressed or having to lead a couple different lives

[13eyond13]

how do you think Light would react when he realized he was bigender (male/female)?

Im sorry, I don't really know myself. I haven't had any experience with that particular label or identity and don't want to just make something up about it as if I do know

[davidtennantgenderenvy]

My Two Cents On The “ Is David Tennant Queer” Drama

As some of you know, I spent a solid third of the past year working on a movie-length video essay about David Tennant. This video essay features an eight minute section titled “Gender, Vulnerability, and Why David Tennant Is A Queer Icon”, which does not speculate on David’s own sexuality, but discusses the queer coding and subversion of gender norms in plenty of his roles and his importance as an ally to the LGBT community. At the same time, I was also coming to terms with my own identity as nonbinary and bisexual, and it ended up playing a crucial role in me finally working up the courage to come out to my parents. Characters like Crowley and the Doctor, both in terms of how they present themselves and how and who they love, have been absolutely instrumental in me developing my queer identity, and my comments section was full of people who had had similar experiences, who’d realized they were trans, nonbinary, gay, etc thanks to David and his characters. And as a result, I won’t deny that if David himself were to be queer, it would mean a lot to me.

Do I think David is queer? It’s certainly possible. I see a lot of how I express my queerness in how david chooses to express himself, most prominently through his frequent queer coding of characters who don’t necessarily have to be played as such. This can especially be seen through his Shakespeare characters, such as Richard, Hamlet, and some would argue Benedick as well. When I was 15 I played Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet, who I chose to play as a closeted young gay man harboring an unrequited crush on Romeo. I think I saw this role subconsciously as an outlet for my own repressed queerness, both of gender and sexuality, as I had experienced an unrequited crush on my female best friend the previous year which I was still in denial about. I’ve described my gender identity as “a girl with a chaotic tortured gay man inside of her that needs to be let out every once in a while”, which has never been more true than with Mercutio- a character who I might add, I took a great deal of inspiration from David when playing! In terms of using roles as an outlet for one’s queerness, I could absolutelt see this being true with David, especially when it comes to Crowley, who seems to have had an impact on David’s style, behavior, etc in a rather similar way to how he’s impacted me. I don’t want to act like David wearing pink docs means he must be gay, I think people should be allowed to wear whatever they want regardless of sexuality, but taken in conjunction with so many other things about him, it does make one wonder, and the fact that a seemingly straight man has been so many people’s queer awakening is a bit puzzling to say the least. I won’t pretend that these “signs” (if you interpret them that way), haven’t been increasing somewhat in the past year, and if I got to share my own coming out journey with the man who inspired it, I would be absolutely thrilled. I also can’t specifically think of an instance where David has SAID he is straight, as opposed to Taylor swift, who has.

With all of that said, where I personally draw the line is when mere speculation crosses into interfering with the subject’s personal relationships and the sense that one is OWED something. I believe that what matters to David more than anything is being a husband and a father. I believe he adores Georgia and his children and would not do anything in the world that he believes would jeopardize his family. As happy as I would be for David if he were to come out (probably as bi) I realize that that would put so much unwanted attention on his marriage and family and I think that’s the last thing he wants. I don’t think it’s IMPOSSIBLE that he and Michael Sheen are having a passionate love affair behind everyone’s backs, but I absolutely don’t consider it my place to insist that they are, because as much as I may feel like I do, I don’t know these people! And besides, if David were cheating on Georgia, he really would not be the person I thought he was.

So many queer people see themselves in David and his characters, and that is beautiful. And I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with having theories that David might be queer himself. However, it must be acknowledged that these theories are THEORIES, and they should not be used to invalidate people’s real life relationships- after all, it’s totally possible to be bi/pan and also be in a loving and healthy heterosexual relationship like David and Georgia at least seem to be in! If David were in fact “one of us”, I would welcome him with the openest of open arms, but unless and until he himself decides to proclaim himself that way, I will not expect anything of him other than to be the incredible artist and person we know and love.

[ablizmal]

I JUST FIGURED IT OUT. the parallels and juxtaposition between the pairs of light+misa vs L+juliette.

something i see heavily in both light and misa —one of the only things they have in common, you could say— is that they both adhere to societal expectations. like… to an excessive extent. you know? they both cling onto it for a semblance of normalcy, to capture that feeling of “i belong, i belong, i belong.”

it’s their crutch. in a life full of alienation (for light, not finding meaning in anything, for misa, the immense loneliness and lack of a social life), at the very least they can have this. although they experience alienation, at least they’re not experiencing total isolation— or worse, ostracization, being disapproved of by others.

(that last sentence would be such an eye opening sentence for someone to analyze if english isn’t their first language… /positive)

getting back on topic, light is a VERY repressed person. in the fucking cherry cola universe (aka death note including my s/i), he’s gay but is so deep in the closet he’s not even AWARE he’s in a closet, it’s all he’s ever known.

besides this (or maybe alongside it???), he’s flamboyant. he really, really is, but in canon, we don’t get to see this as much, which i interpret being due to light adhering to everyone’s expectations of him. idk if this specific facet of toxic gender roles is also prevalent in japan, but i can see light, at a certain age (somewhere from 10-12 years old), noticing adults discomfort at his theatrics and stopping immediately. (he’s kind of a daddy’s boy tbh…)

misa, too, is repressed. you KNOW she would love stuff like horror movies, gothic bands, screamo, metal, and the likes, but she doesn’t. the only interests she has that we’re aware of in canon is the occult and fashion. this is for sure due to the writer of death note’s inherent misogyny in every female character he writes, but if you employ some ingenuity (like me (⟡⸝⸝U_U) *ੈ ‧₊˚ .), you can view misa’s lack of characterization as a foreboding sign that misa isn’t okay.

misa doesn’t have any friends. we know this.

her modeling coworkers aside, the only friend we hear misa talk about is her occult friend, and she never mentions her again past the video tape arc. (yeah, that’s what i’ll call misa’s introduction chapters. why not? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

this coupled with her parents being murdered… misa is desperate for any sort of approval from others. i mean think about it— outside of her modeling career, she doesn’t interact with anyone! she has a room full of personal items (plushes, posters, furniture, etc), which can be completely normal, but for the sake of my headcanons, has accumulated so much from her spending loads of time by herself, in her house, alone. this is the main setting she’s in. of COURSE she’s gonna get bored with the minimalism of it and add her own personal touches!

one of the few forms of self expression she allows herself to have is her fashion, but there’s a well known subculture for that fashion in japan (harajuku, but i’m pretty sure misa’s is gothic harajuku specifically). so, to sum it up— misa has a group of people who understand her fashion sense, therefore she belongs somewhere.

(note: i am NOT insinuating that misa only wears gothic fashion to fit in somewhere. that’s a stupid af take and it just doesn’t fit misa’s vibes to be perfectly honest. what i am saying, however, is that misa freely expresses her unconventional fashion sense because she knows there are others like her. that’s all. (this is likely one of the only unconventional groups of people she’s knowledgeable about.))

i’d even say that misa is highly intelligent, given how she gathered credible evidence that higuchi is the new kira in the yotsuba arc, but she intentionally hides it. why, you ask?

because she knows she’ll be undermined by men, and she seeks approval over anything, she’s substituting it for human connection, so she just… tucks it away. (fuck, maybe she believes that her intellect will be undermined by everyone as a result of the murderer of her parents never being convicted despite her testimonies…)

there’s also a Whole Other Instance (slash personal interpretation) i could bring up here, but i’ll just make that its own post, because this one is already WAY longer than i ever thought it was gonna be.

and we’re only halfway there, boys…

touching upon the thesis of this now pseudo-essay, L and juliette are unconventional. and they don’t care lol.

it’s well known that L doesn’t give a particular shit about how he comes across to others. like the dude’s rich, he could buy whatever clothes he wants, but he chooses to wear his usual clothes because of sensory issues he wants to. his hair is messy and he doesn’t need to comb it because of how short it is, he sits in that gargoyle pose, and he doesn’t hold back on using his deferential vocabulary when the situation permits it.

before the kira case, he would solve cases from a dark room. sounds fine enough… until you hear that there is no furniture in this room and his PC setup is on the floor. 😭

L also is either unaware of social cues or doesn’t care about them, or doesn’t care enough to learn about them, leading to scenes such as:

or him dropping loaded comments like they aren’t as massive as they are.

he admits with no hesitance that he can be childish when it comes to competition. childish… he’s using an insulting word for what it is at its core— a word to describe certain attributes. (he is quite literally ignoring what the conventional intent of the word is.)

likewise, even around the taskforce, he persists in his typical demeanor, what with his stare that bores into your soul, or slunking around in public, hunched over, his appearance coming off as ghoulish with his pale skin and shadowed eyes. (i’m not saying this as a negative, btw, i love his haunting aura,,, 💗∀💗)

and juliette?? juliette embraces the unconventional with every fiber of her being. as long as she’s alive, she will always endorse the unconventional so long as it’s harmless (because what’s wrong with it if it’s not hurting anyone?). they hate the word “normal” being used for non-universal experiences. having a certain blood pressure is normal. there is no such thing as a “normal” hairstyle, that comes down to personal preference.

she LOATHES the enforcement of conformity. it pisses them off to the point that they go out of their way to be even MORE unconventional, as a way of telling closeminded’s, “fuck OFF, there is nothing wrong with us, with people like me, and if you do have a problem with me, then you can kiss my heels, cause they’re landing in your face anyways!”

when it won’t come with bullshit consequences (like being treated unfairly at their job for being open about her genderqueerness :/), she doesn’t bite their tongue. they speak their mind if they hear someone spewing the most terrible of things, whether covertly or not, which is what makes juliette the only person to come to heads with light time and time again. (let’s face it, light is the type of person to get away with saying microagressions, and since he believes he’s right, he drops them way too often. and no one SAYS anything about it because “no no, light does mean it like ~that!~ he’s so RESPECTFUL and KIND :(((((((((((”)

she isn’t afraid to express her joy and wonder, even at the smallest of things. they know they can be ridiculed and judged for it, but they also recognize the importance of small joys, and that significance outweighs ANY judgement that may be hurled her way.

that’s kind of juliette’s whole thing, actually. if anyone judges her for her unconventionality, she says “so? what are you gonna do about it? gonna go into my brain and rewrite everything about me? huh?” jdksjdksjdkajxjs, she can get VERY snarky about this, but they are proving a point, which is “BITCH, who asked?”

light: …you sure do have a unique laugh, juliette.¹

juliette: well, Boy Genius,² what’s a normal laugh then? huh? what is the typical pattern emerging from instinct which creates the phenomenon known as a laugh? present me with evidence. write me about all your findings, since you’re apparently so knowledgeable about this topic. (mockingly tilts head) it shouldn’t be so hard!~ (❀ ˶ ⁍̴̛ ◡ ⁍̴̛˶)

1) just one of light’s MANY casual insults that he can justify away due to plausible deniability.

2) yes, like jimmy neutron. (FUN FACT, i just found out by creating this exchange (and subsequently checking to see if juliette making this reference is possible in ~2003, given the manga’s timeline) that the jimmy neutron series first aired in 2002. i would’ve sworn from vibes alone that it started in 2007, but eh, “the more you know,” amiright??)

(how the fuck do i even get back on topic after that tonal shift)

to summarize,

light and misa are both people who care heavily about what other people think of them. they conform to what’s expected of them, even if that means closing themselves off from potential happiness.

whereas L and juliette are so authentic. okay, well, maybe L isn’t authentic around prime suspect, light yagami, but!! in all the time he’s known light, he still continued to eat sweets and only sweets, y’know?? if it won’t hinder him solving the kira case, L shows up as himself, odd quirks and all (🥰).

L and juliette have discovered the secrets of the universe, that secret being “i am cringe, but i am free.” (✿ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)

but it’s not so cut and dry as that, as they have varying degrees… no, different ways that this presents itself.

misa is more likely to be swayed if in the right environment (like how she had a friend who engaged in the occult).

L doesn’t care what others think about him. he is SO uncaring, in fact, that he doesn’t feel the need to explain his behavior.

but light and juliette… they’re in leagues of their own.

light has NO identity beyond what others expect of him. this is one of the reason why he’s depressed at the beginning of the series. he’s become everything everyone’s ever wanted— for his family, he’s the perfect son and brother. for his classmates, he’s the perfect student, the perfect friend, is TOTAL boyfriend material (apparently???¿? i can’t see it lmao).

yet it’s meaningless. everything that’s supposed to be fun, like spending time with friends, going out, karaoke, hobbies, playing games, sports, academics, dating… it’s meaningless to light. it’s too predictable, he’s too smart for it, really… so it’s not his fault. it’s not his fault it’s not entertaining to him! it just so happens that he’s better, and more intelligent, than everyone else.

to cope with his alienation, he shoves himself onto a pedestal, eventually diminishing and forgetting the whole point of such human activities. he spits in the face of humanity.

he’s above it all.

but juliette embraces human life. she loves the humans, and sees the inherent worth in the human experience! she condones recreational activities such as singing, dancing, playing, relaxing. they believe that our connections with others is what makes life worth it, even if it’s connections so complex and distant that you can’t even witness them (think of produce at your local supermarket. they wouldn’t be there if the farmers who grew them didn’t exist).

juliette supports self expression above all else, whether that’s through emotions, music, writing, art… any creative means, really! it’s also why she’s so vehement about presenting the way you want through fashion, or socially, through words (heyo, genderqueer nation (⌐ᗜᴗᗜ)).

i mean, this song is one of juliette’s anthems:

these beliefs run deep in their bones. she wouldn’t be the same person without them.

in this way, light is the antithesis to juliette. light is the one who lies about himself to others the most. juliette sticks true to themself as much as she can and HATES conformity SO much that she actively spites people who wish to enforce it.

which is why they are at each other’s throats (mostly) through words.

if misa is more easily swayed, then light stands firm in his need to be acceptable to others.

if L is quiet, but content, with his eccentricities, then juliette is loud and open about hers.

[radiation-run]

Something that has really been bumming me out, is the number of posts where Ramon (and sometimes Helena and even Adriana & Sophia) is depicted as someone spouting visceral homophobia and hatred— without any canonical proof so far—and then tying it to him being Mexican/Latino.

I know maybe the writers didn’t know for absolute sure back in 2x18, when we first met Ramon & Helena, after Shannon’s funeral, that Eddie would be queer; but by 3x15 Eddie Begins, I’m sure they [writers] had an idea of where things would be headed.

When creating a character’s backstory, I think the idea of whether-or-not their father is a massive homophobe, is definitely an important detail. If the creators and writers wanted that for Eddie, I think they would’ve dropped some big hints for us by now.

I’m Latina, I know about machismo culture; Eddie does not show the signs of a closeted queer Latino man who grew up in the environment so many people have been theorizing(?) he grew up in.

Eddie:

loves and respects women (Eddie ‘women are friend-shaped’ Diaz !!!)

continuously tells his son it’s ok to talk about feelings/emotions (both Eddie and Christopher even attend therapy; Eddie is also a big hugger and always initiates hugs/physical contact)

is very independent/does not rely on women to do things for him (I know this is also ties in to military life)

does not start or escalate arguments (he actually tends to apologize or give his classic ‘✋🤚 Eddie Hands’ as a way to de-escalate/avoid conflict)

Does that mean Eddie never acted in any machista way? No, absolutely not! There very-well could’ve been a time where he reflected on his behavior and made a conscious effort to change, and worked hard to unlearn that behavior/mindset (especially after finding out he was going to be a father!) But, realistically speaking, based off of what we’ve seen, I don’t think that’s the case.

We’ll definitely see in the coming episodes, but until it is made canon, I refrain from taking Eddie’s queer repression as a sign that Ramon was aggressively(???) homophobic. I do think for sure, that Ramon made more passive(???) homophobic comments. Which brings in my theory:

I think Ramon could’ve possibly seen (from afar) Eddie and another boy shoulder-bumping & making heart eyes. Whether-on-not, he brought that up with Eddie later on, I’m not sure, but I think that would’ve been Ramon’s “““wake-up call””” that he needs to make it clear(er) to his son that being gay is not an option (especially since Eddie is the only son—and possibly the oldest child.)

I can definitely see Ramon telling Eddie that he needs to “man up,” get married (to a woman) & be the provider for his family, and of course the famous “brush it off, keep moving forward.”

I also think Ramon would’ve kept this all from Helena, because that makes it easier to avoid acknowledging that your son might be gay.

We’ve seen that Helena’s thing is always about keeping the family close together (being around enough that Shannon was “familiar with the tone,” ; Suggesting Eddie & Christopher move in permanently, prior to moving to LA ; Asking Eddie to return to El Paso after Shannon’s funeral)

Sooo, if that’s all true, it’ll be interesting to see Helena’s reaction to Ramon, indirectly, being the reason Eddie distanced himself—and Christopher— from the family (joining the military, moving to LA) though Helena has definitely had her moments lmfao—“Don't drag him down with you, Eddie.”

Eddie has shown signs of someone who experienced childhood emotional abuse, and Ramon & Helena have definitely shown signs of having been emotionally abusive (whether they knew/meant it or not.) But I don’t think the Diaz household was some war-zone-esque level of toxicity and aggression like a lot of people are theorizing it was.

Oof! I don’t know if anyone read this monstrosity of a post, but it feels nice to let it all out 🥹💖

I would really love to hear people’s opinion on this!

[iamthenightcolormeblack]

Impressions of Bride and Prejudice (2004)

I finally watched this movie as it is currently free on YouTube! It's a really interesting "modern-day" adaptation (specifically a Bollywood musical) of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice which takes place in Amritsar, India, London, England and California, USA instead of the English countryside. It stars Aishwarya Rai as Elizabeth Bennet (now Lalita Bakshi) and Martin Henderson as Mr. Darcy (William Darcy).

Names:

Bakshis = Bennets

Jaya Bakshi = Jane Bennet

Lalita Bakshi = Elizabeth Bennet

Maya Bakshi = Mary Bennet

Lakhi Bakshi = Lydia Bennet (Kitty isn't included here)

Kholi Saab = Mr. Collins

Balraj = Bingley

Chandra Lamba = Charlotte Lucas

Kiran = Caroline Bingley

Darcy's mother (Catherine Darcy) = Lady Catherine de Bourgh

The Casting:

Aishwarya Rai as Lalita Bakshi. She's captivating and beautiful as Lalita, with intelligence and wits to match. The film understands why Elizabeth Bennet is one of literature's greatest heroines: she has a lot of self-respect, speaks her mind, and refuses to compromise on her values. What's most important is that she achieves the balance between the two clashing cultures: she cares about her family and respects Indian traditions yet is also a strong individual who keeps her dignity.

Martin Henderson as William Darcy. I don't like that Darcy is an American in this movie because (in general) Americans are usually less reserved than British people, so it takes away a key part of Darcy's character (his repressed emotions). He's much more sympathetic than book Darcy because he seems to be more open-minded towards Indian culture the more he learns about it (unlike book Darcy, who is stubborn and insists that his "good opinion once lost is lost forever"). In the book, Darcy's pride has several characteristics (belief in the correctness of his opinions, belief in his social superiority, bad treatment of others he thinks is beneath him). I don't like how the film simplified his pride into imperialism/ethnocentrism, which he lets go of pretty quickly. Plus his "rudeness" can easily be perceived as discomfort in a new cultural environment because he hasn't been exposed to Indian culture, whereas in the book it seems to be intentional (and Darcy acknowledges to Elizabeth that he was taught to treat others beyond his own social circle meanly). Overall I had rather too much sympathy for him because he's too easy to read; he's experiencing a lot of culture shocks which he isn't prepared for, and his imperialistic beliefs (which come from his mother) don't help. One of the reasons book Darcy is interesting is because he's mysterious; his emotions remain hidden and the only sign of his growing love for Elizabeth is his staring at her. This Darcy is just a typical white American boy who is in love with a woman far superior to him in terms of intellect and cultural awareness.

Nitin Ganatra as Kohli Saab. Mr. Collins is one of my favorite cringe characters ever and never fails to disappoint. In this movie, he's an accountant who lives in the Beverly Hills area in Southern California and is very arrogant because he thinks he's a big shot living close to celebrities in a one-of-a-kind colonial home (when in actuality he lives in a cookie-cutter house in a suburb). He peppers his speech with Western slang to show off how "American" (and thus wealthy) he is, yet still clings to outmoded beliefs that women should be submissive housewives. He represents the very worst of Western culture in that he's materialistic and looks down on Indian culture as beneath him. In his quest for riches he has lost his Indian identity and become greedy.

Notable Scenes:

The first dance. Balraj is happy to have fun and show off his awesome dancing skills. Darcy, meanwhile, observes that the mothers are eyeing Balraj for the marriage market and is worried that his friend may be trapped by gold-diggers. He's clearly uncomfortable and out of his element here, so Kiran helps translate the songs for him. It's interesting seeing Kiran as a translator here because it would explain why she's one of the few people Darcy hangs out with; she's a cultural intermediary here to help him acclimate to a strange new environment.

Darcy snubs Lalita. This part in the book where Darcy insults Elizabeth by proclaiming her "tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me" is significant in forming Elizabeth's hatred of Darcy. Not only is he impolite in refusing to dance with Elizabeth, he also shames her by criticizing her looks. In the movie, Darcy excuses himself from dancing with Lalita by saying that he's busy preparing for a conference (in this version, he's a rich businessman who operates luxury hotels). I wish they had kept the original insult in because without it, Lalita's dislike of Darcy has less merit. While it was impolite of him to not dance, he did use a proper excuse and didn't insult Lalita, so unlike in the book, it doesn't make sense why she would hate him so intensely after that one meeting.

A Marriage Has Come to Town song. In this song-and-dance number, Lalita and Jaya are preparing for the wedding to Balraj. The whole town is excited for the wedding and Lalita wonders if life for a woman is all about getting married to be a mere wife: "It seems they had nothing in their lives before today / and why are they so happy to give a daughter away."

Darcy and Lalita conversation #1: Lalita points out most Amritsar residents can't afford to stay at Darcy's luxury hotels; Darcy says standards are necessary, justifying the high price. Darcy says he finds arranged marriages strange and "backwards," hinting at an affinity with Lalita as they are both "romantics." Lalita, still thinking that Darcy is attempting to insult Indian culture, says that arranged marriages have evolved and may not be so evil as he thinks it is.

Lalita and Darcy "accomplished woman" scene. So they have the part from the book where they have Darcy's unrealistic list of the characteristics of his perfect woman and then it becomes a culture clash. Lalita says Darcy's whole hotel business is imperialism (the tourists visit without appreciating Indian culture and the jobs created only benefit the well-off). Darcy replies: "But I'm not British" ("American exceptionalism" is just another form of imperialism).

Dinner with Kohli Saab. I love watching all the "Dinner with Mr. Collins" scenes from all Pride and Prejudice adaptations because it reveals Collins' great arrogance in assuming himself to be of greater importance than he is, as well as his bad manners. This movie does not disappoint; Kohli Saab literally eats with his fingers, shoving rice into his mouth while talking at the same time. Meanwhile, he spews out misogynistic views of women, stating that he came to India to find a "traditional" wife who will serve and obey him; after all, there is "no life without wife." He notes that the Indian-American girls have "a conceited sort of independence" (not what he actually said in the movie, this is a quote from the book which really fits here) and that some of the Indian-American girls "have turned into the lesbian." Lalita later recalls that watching Kohli Saab eat is like observing "a Jackson Pollock painting."

"No Life Without Wife" song. An accurate reading of Kholi Saab: he's "crude and loud" and came to find a wife by flashing his "green card, new house, and big cash." The song reveals what a hypocrite he is; he's lonely and pathetic because there is "no life without wife" yet he won't respect his wife as his equal. I love the "Kohliwood" fantasy sequence where Lalita pictures herself unhappily serving Kohli as a submissive wife. After the song ends Lalita imagines herself marrying Wickham in the English countryside before it turns out Darcy is the groom; she runs away from him.

The Cobra dance. Maya shows off her dancing skills in an awkward dance. Kholi criticizes Indians for being "unsophisticated" (what an arrogant person) while Darcy, in a change of heart, praises how highly they value family.

Kholi's proposal. I love how he tries to train himself to power walk because it's trendy and before proposing stretches himself clumsily, knocking over a pot (he definitely isn't husband material). Lalita mocks Kholi's obsession with physical health, pointing out that many people are physically healthy but don't exercise their minds.

Visiting Kiran. Kiran is arrogant and takes the Bakshis over to her fancy apartment where the mother tries and fails to show some cultural knowledge. I find it interesting that the movie made Lalita and Kiran foils of each other. They are both intelligent women who are "multicultural" in that they can navigate both Indian and Western culture, but they use their cultural knowledge in different ways. Kiran uses it to belittle others and demonstrate her own superiority, while Lalita uses it as a means of gaining respect for herself and others.

Darcy ends up on the same airplane flight as Lalita. This is a cute scene where he gives the first class seat to Mrs. Bakshi just so he can sit with Lalita in economy class (he's totally in love with her!).

Kohli Saab's epic house tour. Love how he pays great attention to the jet tubs and the closets.

Meeting Darcy's mom. She's totally ethnocentric and possibly racist. The first thing she asks Lalita is "tell me about India" and she expresses her disappointment at Darcy's decision (because of Lalita, it's so obvious he's in love) not to buy the hotel in India because "everybody has their hand on India these days" (brings to mind spheres of influence/colonialism since the mother sees India as a place to make a profit). Then the mother reveals that she really isn't interested in India and only knows about its stereotypes: "well, with yoga, and spices, and...wonderful Eastern things here there's no point in traveling there anymore." Meanwhile Lalita retorts that "people haven't stopped going to Italy because Pizza Hut's around the corner."

The first proposal. Darcy's conflicted feelings for Lalita are effectively summed up (perhaps better than in the book, where he begins well but ends with a long account of the inferiority of Elizabeth's connections): "he loves her in spite of the fact that he tried to forget about her, he still wants to marry her in spite of the fact that his family (specifically his mom) will disapprove." Unfortunately, the emphasis on the social inferiority of Lalita's family is left out; Darcy doesn't say anything else until Lalita claims that he thinks her family is inferior and blames him for separating Jaya and Balraj. I don't like this because it seems like the separation of Jaya and Balraj was the only reason Elizabeth rejected Darcy. Also Elizabeth's admission that she did try to overlook her prejudice of Darcy doesn't make sense, because only after the first proposal does she do so.

Plot Changes. The major plot points are all included but the "order of events" has changed:

Lalita and Darcy become friends and she meets his family before his disastrous first proposal. There's a montage where they are traveling alone together, visiting the Grand Canyon and sharing a moment on the beach. I don't like this change because Darcy's separating Jane and Bingley wasn't the only reason Elizabeth rejected him, it was because she hated him (arrogant, proud, doesn't treat others nicely). By showing early on that Darcy is a good person, Lalita's prejudice against Darcy makes less sense because she now has a glimpse of Darcy's true character which in the book doesn't happen until the Pemberley visit.

Their early friendship disrupts Darcy's character journey because it reduces the significance of the first proposal to his character development. In the book, he doesn't start to reform himself until Elizabeth tells him that he needs to behave in a "more gentleman-like manner."

The first proposal is the consequence of all the miscommunication and false perceptions affecting Elizabeth and Darcy, and it motivates both characters to change. Elizabeth rightly scolds Darcy for being inconsiderate; he did the proposal for the selfish reason of purging his feelings so that he wouldn't have to suffer anymore and assumed that she would say yes. Elizabeth rejects him because of his rude manners and lack of consideration, and his defensiveness (where he portrays himself as the victim of feelings and implies he's such a good boy for wanting to marry her in spite of her horrid family) doesn't help. After realizing the extent to which Elizabeth hates him, Darcy writes The Letter to set things right, and Elizabeth realizes that she is not the best judge of character. Thus, giving us a fuller picture of Darcy's character and letting him charm Lalita before the first proposal reduces the significance of the event to the plot and character development.

Wickham and Lakhi have a connection early on, making Lakhi's attempted elopement inevitable. Right after the failed first proposal, Lakhi runs off with Wickham and Lalita and Darcy find out about it at the same time that Darcy comes to apologize and tell Lalita that Wickham is bad. I love that Wickham was punished really badly; after Darcy fights him, he gets slapped twice, once by Lalita and the second time by Lakhi. Even better is that Lakhi doesn't end up with Wickham.

Themes

The film uses the culture clash between India (Eastern) and Western cultures to examine what makes a good marriage.

Indian culture as presented by the film is more collectivist ("we" over "I"). It also promotes traditional gender roles, with women expected to be "meek and submissive" wives. In contrast, Western culture in the film is more individualistic and aspirational (careers and love are possible). But at its worst it condones exploitation of others for profit and cultural intolerance.

In the book, there are different kinds of "culture clashes:" traditional nobility versus new money (the Bingleys made their fortune in trade and Caroline is hoping to be an accomplished woman to make up for this), country versus city (Darcy offending Mrs. Bennet by claiming that the society is "confined and unvarying") and arranged versus romantic marriages.

The misunderstandings that propel the story (Darcy's dismissing of Elizabeth as "tolerable," him falling in love with her even though she still hates him, her belief in the legitimacy of "first impressions") are emphasized through the culture clash. Many of the conflicts in the film are a result of cultural stereotypes and conflicting beliefs.

Interestingly the film doesn't resolve the question it raises of how best to appreciate India and its culture. Lalita raises a lot of points about not oversimplifying Indian culture to a few stereotypes, but one could argue that India as represented by the film might be stereotypical. With the exception of the resort scenes and Goa beaches (which are tourist traps according to the film), the scenes in India heavily emphasize the "developing country" aspects of India with lots of pastoral scenes (cows crossing the road unharmed, farmland, dirt, shacks, dirty motorcycles fighting each other in traffic). Plus the "culture" as represented by the film's dance sequences seems to be the dominant Hindu culture with lots of elephants and saris and curry. Yes, I know this film is a romantic comedy, but the assertion that India is a complex, diverse country is contradicted by what we are presented. Presenting the rustic aspects of India would explain why the characters want to get out of India and go to the richer Western nations, but it harms the premise of the story that we shouldn't judge based on first impressions because the India scenes seem to confirm a Westerner's stereotypes of India (exotic people living in a primitive land).

Changing views on marriage: In the film, as in the book, we are presented with traditional and modern views on what makes a good marriage. Mr. Collins' marriage represents the traditional view in which marriage is a practical "economic proposition," much like a business deal where the marriage is made for the securing of material wealth and happiness comes last. Lady Catherine and other members of the aristocracy view marriage as a means of producing heirs (and bringing large amounts of money through dowries) to keep the property (source of power and wealth) in the family. The modern view of marriage is a partnership of equals who love and respect each other; happiness rather than material wealth/power is the priority. It threatens the power of the traditional nobles as it provides the potential for social climbing. Finally, it becomes another part of the culture clash, as it also ties in with the Western value of individualism, putting it at odds with the more collectivist Indian culture as presented by the film.

Elizabeth and Darcy in the book and in the film are united by their belief in a marriage based on love (the modern view). In the film, Darcy says he wants to look forward to starting each day with his wife, while Lalita says she wants a man who is a romantic and respects her for her mind. For instance, Elizabeth states that "only the deepest love will induce me into matrimony" and that Jane and Bingley should have some time to get to know each other before being rushed into marriage. To Elizabeth, mutual love and respect are essential for a marriage to succeed.

As for book Darcy, when Caroline catches him admiring Elizabeth and asks if he will marry her right away, he jokingly rebuffs her for making that assumption: "A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy." Significantly, he mentions love needing to come before marriage, hinting that he shares the same belief about respect (admiration) and love being necessary for a good marriage. In fact, a big reason he separated Jane from Bingley was because he feared that Jane did not love Bingley in return. In short, love in marriage is just as important to Darcy as it is to Elizabeth.

Conclusion:

Bride and Prejudice, as shown by the title, focuses heavily on the theme of marriage and uses the culture clash between India and the West to emphasize the importance of first impressions in our treatment of others.

Even if you aren't into Pride and Prejudice, the movie is worth watching for the Bollywood dance sequences. I also liked the songs because they effectively developed the marriage theme.

The characters are mostly true to the book, except for Darcy, who isn't proud enough and is quick to reform his character.

Last but not least, the real villains of the story were imperialism and ethnocentrism.

Tags: @thatvermilionflycatcher @appleinducedsleep @princesssarisa

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I had three options in my head of how tonight’s Serena and Henrik scenes would play out.

Best Case Scenario Option: Henrik admits he loved Gaskell and that he was going to come out for him, but John’s betrayal shoved him back into the closet and made him once again scared to accept his feelings for men. Also, the word “bisexual” actually gets used somewhere.

Middle Case Scenario: Henrik’s feelings for John aren’t addressed directly, but the show also makes it clear he has always known he’s bi deep down and has simply stayed in deep repression/denial because of his trauma from the abuse. Also because he grew up in a very homophobic era, and trained as a doctor during the AIDS crisis (although I wasn’t expecting either of these things to be directly mentioned, and indeed they weren’t, but they don’t really need to be - they’re kind of obvious factors in Henrik having stayed closeted).

Worst Case Scenario: They pulled some “I’ve never felt like this for another man” bullshit.

I hoped for Best Case Scenario, and we got Middle Case Scenario. That’s good enough for me - I was seriously worried they’d try to retcon Henrik’s existing awareness of his bisexuality just to make the parallels with him and Serena stronger. Of course my Johnrik heart still craves some acknowledgement of Gaskell, but this is better than an “I’ve never felt like this for another man”, which would have swept Gaskell and Henrik’s feelings for him (he openly flirted with Gaskell, asked him out at least once, said things like “It’s time people saw you again, John. The real you. Us.”; he KNEW he was in love with him) completely under the rug.

I was really frustrated with the “you don’t need to label it, no one uses labels anymore!” though. Maybe Serena would feel that way. I can buy that. But Henrik wouldn’t. Henrik is absolutely the sort of person who needs to be able to put labels to things, and I’d like to think Serena would know him well enough to know that. There’s no shame in not using labels, Holby, but there’s also no shame in labelling yourself as bisexual. I mean, we’ve never had a scene of anyone telling Dom he doesn’t need a label, have we? He’s allowed to label himself gay, because that’s the sort of thing he’d do. Similarly, Henrik would be the sort of person to want a label too. But suddenly when it’s a bi character we get “you don’t need labels”? Come on, Holby.

I’ll just take that scene as meaning Serena was saying that Henrik doesn’t need to label himself for now. I can see that it would be easier for him simply to approach his relationship with Russ on its own merits first, and then he can start learning how to be comfortable with calling himself bi. There. I’ve fixed it.

And I was very very glad Holby addressed Henrik’s internalised homophobia and how the abuse trauma has led to him repressing and denying his bisexuality. Just the “fuck you” I was hoping for to the people saying this storyline is “implying abuse makes you gay”. As a lesbian myself who experienced abuse/grooming from a woman, I really appreciated how the show outright addressed that queer CSA survivors exist and our trauma isn’t any less valid, and our sexualities aren’t any less valid either. (Also, Guy Henry was brilliant in those scenes, just saying.)

The actual Henruss content was ADORABLE too omg. Russ touching Henrik’s arm at the beginning!!! That scene in the locker room!!! All the flirting!!!

And congratulations to everyone who said “how long have we got to do this dance for, do you think?” was Russ talking about his and Henrik’s relationship. I genuinely believed they’d be talking about the hospital. Nah, Russ just confronted him head on. Yay!!

When Russ said Henrik was being awkward, I was going to say “nah, Henrik’s always awkward” and then Henrik said it himself. I know people have always told me I really get Henrik but... this is on a whole other level. Anyway, Henrik admitting he’s “always awkward” is another line I can put in The “Henrik Hanssen Is Autistic” essay, whenever I get around to finishing that. Heck yeah.

Also, even if Gaskell wasn’t mentioned tonight I fully believe Henrik’s reactions to Serena subtly asking about his feelings for Russ were influenced by Gaskell’s betrayal and how it shoved him back into the closet. I mean, he reacted much better when Essie brought up his feelings for Gaskell in S20E45. Tonight he was back to the kind of denial I’ve always written him as having gone through back in his med school days (ask me sometime about how I think he definitely made out with John on several occasions and they probably slept together at some point, but I also think he would’ve had at least one big “I’m not gay wtf I’m not like you” argument with him at some point...). Ouch. :(

Bernie and Serena were back. That was a thing. I’m not big on Serena but as I say, I enjoyed her scenes with Henrik. And I do really like Bernie. The Berena pairing is pretty cute.

For more dedicated Berena shippers - I’m really happy for all of you. You more than deserved that happy ending after all the shit Holby put them through.

Jemma Redgrave was fabulous tonight, and I liked how they addressed Bernie’s trauma from Cameron. Although that scene where Nicky yelled at her broke my heart :( But it was nice seeing Bernie being in full trauma-surgeon mode again when she helped Kylie!

And that final scene on the roof was sweet. I was also happy to see that Bernie and Serena got to kiss despite social distancing restrictions - makes me very optimistic for Henruss getting to kiss soon...

Donna seemed to have left. Thank goodness, Digital Spy confirmed she hasn’t. I was actually going to start this post with a long rant about how Donna deserves better but then I saw she hasn’t actually left.

So now I’ll just say: Jaye Jacobs was AMAZING tonight. What a talented actress. Shame they wasted her so much throughout her second stint, really.

I don’t have much to say on the Nicky/Jac and Madge/Regina scenes because I was busy paying attention to everything else. I’ll have to rewatch to form proper commentary on them. Madge’s storyline is still a mystery, I see. Belinda Owusu and Rosie Marcel were fantastic. That’s about all I have to say.

Kylie is the gazillionth person to get run over in Holby’s car park. Not much to say on that, either.

Basically, I really liked this episode, even if the Kylie thing annoyed me and I wish Henrik had brought up Gaskell during his scenes with Serena.

And an addendum - I was very glad they didn’t mention Henrik’s abuser by name. Lets me keep pretending the ridiculous Reyhan retcon didn’t happen. Henrik having been abused by a teacher at boarding school makes complete sense, has been foreshadowed from his earliest episodes, and I accept it as canon. Henrik having been abused by Sahira Shah’s dad, however... yeah, no.

[freddiekluger]

Why Cap Being Internally Closeted Is Not Only Possible, But Valid Representation 

i wrote this to a lot of mitski and onsind, so you can’t blame me for any feelings that bleed through

now i don’t know if it actually exists, but i’ve heard of there being a lot of discourse surrounding the captains story arc regarding his sexuality- i believe the general gist is that having a queer character that remains closeted to themselves is either unrealistic or ‘bad’ representation, and as someone who really treasures the captain and relates to his story so far a lot, i thought i might break this down a bit. 

i’ve divded up every complaint i’ve heard about this into four main questions which i’ll be covering below the ‘keep reading’, because this is gonna be pretty comprehensive. full disclaimer i reference my experiences as an ex-evangelical non binary butch lesbian a couple times, and i spent a year studying repression and the psychological impacts of high demand sexual ethics for my graduating sociology paper, so this is coming with some background to it i swear

the big questions:

can you EVEN be gay and not know it????

but isn't this just ANOTHER coming out arc, and aren't we supposed to be moving beyond those?

but if cap can't have a relationship with a man because he's a ghost, what's the point?

since cap's dead, isn't this technically bury your gays, and isn't that bad? 

1. "but is it really possible to not know? Isn't that bad representation?"

short answer: no and no.

before i get into the validity of the captain's ignorance about his own orientation as 21st century rep, let's break down how the hell the captain can be so clearly attracted to men and still not even consider the possibility that he might be gay, as brought to you by someone who literally experienced this shit.

the captain's particular situation is both a direct result of the lack of information around human sexuality he would have had (aka clear messaging that it's actually possible for him to be attracted to men. i don't mean acceptable or allowed, i mean physically capable of happening- the idea that orientations other than heterosexual exist and are available to him, a man), and a subconscious survival mechanism. the environment in which he lives is outright hostile to gay people, while the military man identity he has constructed for himself doesn't allow for any form of deviation from societal norms, let alone one so base level and major. as a result of this killer combo of information and environment, instincts take over and the mind does it's best to repress the ‘deviant’ feelings until a. one of these two things changes, or b. the act of repression becomes so destructive and/or exhuasting that it becomes impossible to maintain. the key to maintaining a long-term state of repression of desire is diverting that energy elsewhere, and a high-demand group such as the military is the perfect place for the captain to do this (this technqiue is frequented by religions and extremist ideologies worldwide, but that’s not really what we’re here to focus on). 

while the brain is actively repressing ‘deviant’ feelings (aka gay shit), this doesn't mean you don't experience the feelings at all. when performed as a subconscious act of survival, the aim of repression is to minimise/transform the feelings into a state where they can no longer cause immediate danger, and something as big as sexual/romantic orientation is going to keep popping up, but as long as the individual in question never understands what they’re feeling, they’ll be able to continue relatively undisturbed. you know how in heist movies, the leader of the group will only tell each team member part of the plan so they can’t screw things up for everyone else if they get caught? it’s kind of like that.

this is how the captain appears to have operated in life AND in death, and it’s a relatively common experience for lgbtq people who’ve grown up in similar circumstances (aka with a lack of information and in an unfriendly-to-hostile environment), and accounts for how some people can even go on to get married and have children before realising that they’re gay and/or trans. 

personally, while i can now identify what were strong homo crushes all the way back to childhood, at the time i genuinely had no idea. there was the underlying sense that i probably shouldn't tell people how attached i was to these girls because i would seem weird, and that my feelings were stronger than the ones other people used to describe friendships, but like-like them in the way that other girls like-liked boys? no way! actually scratch that, it wasn't even a no way, because i had no idea that i even could. i even had my own havers, at least in terms of the emotional hold and devotion she got from me, except she treated me way less well than cap’s beau. snatches of the existence of lgbt people made it through the cone of silence, i definitely heard the words gay and lesbian, but my levels of informations mirrored those that the captain would have had: virtually none, beyond the idea that these words exist, some people are them, and that's not something that we support or think is okay, so let's just not speak about it. despite only attending religious schools for the first couple years of primary, until i got my own technology and social media accounts to explore lgbtq content on my own- option a out of the two catalysts for change- the possibility of me being gay was not at all on my radar. don’t even get me started on how long it took me to explore butchness and my overall gender, two things which now feel glaringly obvious. 

when shit starts to break down, you can also make the conscious choice to repress which can delay the eventual smashing down of the mental closet door for a time (essentially when the closet door starts to open, you just say ‘no thanks’ and shut it again by pointedly Not Thinking About It). in the abscence of identifying yourself by your attractions, it becomes quite common to identify with a lack- in my case, this meant becoming proud of how sensible and not boy crazy i was, and in the captain’s case, this means becoming proud of how sensible and not sensuous/wild (aka woman crazy) he was, identifying with his LACK of desire for women and partying (which, even in the 40s, involved the expectation of opposite sex romances and hook ups). i’m not saying that’s the only reason he’s a rule follower, but i think the contrast between About Last Night and Perfect Day pretty much support this. (the captain getting on his high horse about general party antics that he inherently felt excluded from because of underlying awareness of his difference & his tendency to project his regimented expectations of himself onto others, vs. joining in the reception party, awareness of how the environment supports difference in the form of clare and sam, and relaxing his own rules by dancing with men- the captain doesn’t mind a party when feels like he has a place there.)

so the captain was operating in a high demand, highly regulated environment (primarily the military, but also early 20th century England itself), with regimented roles, rules, and expectations. working on the assumption that he wouldn't have had out/disclosing lgbt friends, he would have had little to no exposure to lgbt identities, and what information he did receive would have been hushed and negatively geared. while my world started to open up when i started high school was allowed to have my own phone + instagram account, resulting in me realising something wasn't quite 'right' within a few years (making me a relatively early realiser compared to those who don't come out to themselves until adulthood), in life the captain never had that experience. he didn't receive the information he needed, his environment didn't grow less hostile. with the near-exception of havers related heartbreak, his well disciplined and lifelong method of repression never became destructive/exhaustive enough to permanently override the danger signals in his mind and allow him to put his feelings into words. neither of the most common catalysts for change happened for him, so he continued as usual, even after his death.

BUT, and here’s where we come to why this is actually great representation, arrival of mike and Alison represents the opening up of new world. for the first time, the captain is actively made aware of the fact that his environment is no longer hostile, and better than that, it’s affirming. he’s also getting access to positively geared information about lgbtq people and identities, so option a of the two catalysts for change is absolutely present, and resoundingly positive. 

the captain’s arc is also relatively unique as it acknowledges the oppressive nature of his environment, but actually focuses on the internal consequences, and the way that systems like those that the captain lived in succeed because they turn us into our own oppressors. for whatever reason, we repress ourseslves, and often can’t help it, and i find that the significance of the journey to overcome that is often overlooked in more mainstream queer media. perhaps it’s just not very cinematic, or it remains too confronting for cishet audiences, but ghosts manages to touch on it with a lovely amount of humour and hope. Jamie Babbit’s But I’m A Cheerleader is another favourite piece of queer media for the same reasons.

not only does it show this, but as the captain continues to get gayer and lean into some of his less conventional traits (like an interest in fashion and the wedding planning), it shows lgbt people who have been or are going through this that there CAN be a positive outcome. it takes a lot to unlearn all the things that have painted you as wrong, especially when a massive institution is desperate to continue doing so, but you can do it, you can be happy, and it's never too late. (i've been meaning to say that last point for ages for ages, but a mutual beat me to it here)

2. not just another coming out arc

i absolutely support the demand for queer stories that don’t center around coming out (it’s like shrodinger’s queer: if you’re not coming out on screen, do you really even exist?), but i don’t align with the criticisms that the captain should already be out. for the reasons mentioned above, the captain’s particular story is fairly different to the ‘young white teenager who mostly knows gay is fine, it’s just everyone else that’s got the problem, but have a unremarkably straight sounding soundtrack, a trauma porn romance, and a cishet saviour’ that we keep seeing. the captain’s ongoing journey with his sexuality emphasises the overaching theme of the show: recovering from trauma and humanity’s endless capacity for growth, and i think that’s worth showing over and over again until it stops being true.

additionally, while the captain’s journey regarding his gayness is a big part of his character and story, ghosts makes it clear that it’s not the ONLY part, and being gay is far from his ONLY characteristic or dramatic/comedic engine. the fact that i’m even having to congratulate ghosts for doing that really shows how much film and television is struggling huh.

while all queer media is, and should be, subject to criticism, i think if it helps even one person then it absolutely deserves to exist, and i can say i’ve found the captain’s journey to be the lgbt story i’ve found that’s closest to my own, which says a lot considering he’s a dead world war 2 soldier who hangs out with other ghosts including a slutty Tory, a georgian noblewoman, and a literal caveman. 

3. if captain gay, why he no have boyfriend???? 

another complaint that’s been circulating is that since the captain doesn’t, and likely won’t, have a boyfriend, that makes him Bad Representation because it follows the sad single gay trope. i kind of get the logic from this one, and a lot of it is up to personal interpretation, but part of me really enjoys the fact that the captain’s journey towards accepting himself is separated from having a relationship.

coming out is often paired with having romantic/sexual relationships (either as the reason or reward for doing so). my own struggle with repression didn't end the second that came out, and i still struggle with letting myself develop & acknowledge romantic feelings as a result of actively shutting them (and most other feelings in general) down for years, and statistics show that lgbtq youth in particular tend not to live out their 'teen years' until their twenties. by not giving cap a relationship straight away, ghosts separates the act of claiming identity and sexual orientation from finding a partner (two things which are, more often than not, separate), and also provides some very nice validation to folks who have yet to have the relationship they want, especially when lots of mainstream queer media is now jumping on the cishet media bandwagon of acting as if every person loses their virginity and has a life defining relationship at sixteen. it’s essentially a continuation of the earlier theme of “it’s never too late”, and who’s to say the captain won’t get a gay bear ghost boyfriend to go haunt nazis with??? people die all the time, it could happen.

(also, i think him and julian will have definitely shagged at least once. it was a low moment for both of them and they refuse to speak of it.)

lots of asexual/ace spectrum fans have come out to say how much they’ve loved being able to headcanon cap as ace, and while that’s not a headcanon i personally have, i think it’s brilliant that ace fans feel seen by his character- we’re all in this soup together babey (and sorry for cursing everyone still reading this with that cap/julian headcanon. i’m just a vessel)

4. “okay, but cap’s a GHOST- doesn’t that make this Bury Your Gays?”

this is a bit of a complex one, but i’m going to say no as a result of the following break down.

Bury Your Gays (BYG), aka the trope where lgbtq characters are consistently killed off (and often with a heavy dose of trauma, while cishet characters survive) is probably one of my least favourite lgbt media tropes. BYG has two main points:

1. the lgbt character is killed, thus removing them from story entirely- hence the use of the phrase ‘killed OFF’ (killed off of the show/film)

2. the character’s death reinforces the perception that lgbtq people’s lives must end in tragedy, instead of being long and fulfilling, or are inherently less valuable. bonus points if the character is killed in a hate crime or confesses same-gender love right before they die (that one implies that queer love genuinely has no future!)

not every death of an lgbtq character is bury your gays, and i personally feel that the captain is an example of an lgbt death that isn’t. 

first of all, while the captain is dead, so are the vast majority of characters in ghosts. the premise of the show means that death is not the end of the line for its characters- for most of them, it’s the only reason we get to see them on screen at all. as such, the captain being dead doesn’t remove him from the story, so point one is irrelevant.

at the time of posting, we don’t know how or why the captain died, but we've had nothing to suggest his death was in any way related to his latent sexuality, so his mysterious death doesn’t actively play into the supposedly inherent tragedy of queer lives, nor the supposedly lesser value. that’s as of right now- since we don’t know the circumstances of his death it’s a little tough to analyse properly. while the captain’s life absolutely features missed opportunities and it’s fair share of tragedy, hope and growth (which seems to be the theme of this post) abounds in equal measure. the captain may not be alive, but we DO get to see him growing and having a relatively happy existence, that for the most part seems to be getting even better as he learns to open up and be himself unapologetically- that doesn’t feel like BYG to me.

while writng this, it’s just occured to me that death really is a second chance for most of the ghosts, especially with the introduction of alison. from mary learning to read, to thomas finding modern music, they’ve all been given the chance explore things they never could have while they were alive, and hopefully grow enough to one day be sucked off move on.

in conclusion,

i love the captain very much and i hope his arc lives up to the standards it’s set so far. i don’t know where to put this in this post, but i’d alo like to say i LOVE how in Perfect Day, the captain wasn’t used as an educational experienced for fanny at all. i am very tired of people expecting me to be the walking talking homophobe educator and rehabilitator, so the fact that it’s alison and the other ghosts that call fanny out while the captain just gets to have fun with the wedding organisation made me very happy.

here’s a few other cap posts that i’ve done:

the captain’s arc if adam and the film crew stayed

a possible cap coming out 

the captain backstory headcanon

if you’ve read this far,

thank you!

also check out @alex-ghosts-corner , this post inspired me very much to write this

[technomaestro]

Oh? Tell us about the characters on that list then

*slaps character sheet* this bad boy can fit so much of my own repressed trauma in it

This one could be fuckin *all* of them, but it's probably Kelarvia Arana, aka Kel. Poor dwarven fighter exile from Orzamar who turned to the Qun, was trained wrong as a spy, failed her family, failed the qun, failed her friends, and kept trying to do right. She was... not bright. She took a face full of acid breath for her troubles, got repeatedly stabbed by everyone around her, and still kept fucking trying. She was not in a great place by the end of that campaign.

Closeted Trans Person Gender Envy Character™

So, while I'm very much cis, I did toy around with the idea of genderfluidity and transness at one point. And the closest character to that would have been a major NPC that I had in my pokemon game, Claire deVire. She was a literal illusionist / Fairy Type mage, and honestly one of my favorite NPCs to use in the game. I played her as a confident and experienced trainer who had an air of mystery, was clever and flirtatious, and who had a very accomplished team including trans icon Sylveon. She is/was one of the main *villains* of the campaign, but that's besides the point. If I was a girl, she's who I'd want to be - but I'm pretty solid in my gender at this point.

sexy

That would be Lucas Maignard, the Silver Lion. Not just your average silver fox, but a nobleman who absolutely could rock it. Think Rollo from Vikings except salt and pepper hair. He was power hungry, a staunch revanchist of his family's ancestral title and he would go to every length it took to reclaim it, including trying to seduce the King's consort. He, notably, caused at least one if not more international incidents by insulting the soccer abilities of a neighboring kingdom.

He may have had the highest charisma of any character I've played.

idealized version of myself

Allow me to introduce you to Broderic Gullet, a 6'6 tall constantly drunken scotsman Barbarian with a hammer who was unkillable. Literally - he actually died at one point and came back to life because he was too damn stubborn to leave before his friends had gotten to safety, and some passing spirit possessed him and turned him into an abomination. He was jovial, friendly, could talk to his cat Mr. Pickles, and wonderfully buff enough he could hug all his friends at once. Plus he was a trained chef.

As Fruity And Extra As Possible

Oh this is easy. The Satyr Diplomat Cheldric delWolpertinger, a man who *honestly* should have read the recommended reading before being sent to deliver very important documents (these were actually talking frogs!). He was supposed to board a new train on the mountainous passage to Westport, but forgot his ticket. When the train left, he literally jumped (and I mean I cast "jump" and specifically was a Satyr for their Mirthful Leaps feature which adds 1d8 to my jump distance) onto the back of the train. Unfortunately, the murder of the conductor was a bit of an issue, but Cheldric and some other passengers put their heads together to solve the mystery.

furry

So, allow me to set the stage for Albie, Traitor to Crowkind. A Kenku that was as much benefit to the party as he was walking, curse triggering hazard, this absolute buffoon would do what he could to simultaneously help the party while also doing his best not to piss of Strahd too much. A lighting bolt cast into the middle of melee that hit everyone totally gives him plausible deniability for who survives.

I think my favorite memory though is when one of the other party members just opened his beak and he started reciting the Book of Strahd like Stitch plays that record in Lilo & Stitch

A good runner up here would also be Nilbo, a Kobold Druid who only became a druid because it let him wild shape into progressively bigger lizards and dinosaurs. No other animals, just scales.

I Saw One Of The Extra Fantasy Races That Aren’t In The Player’s Handbook And Almost Had A Stroke

Listen. Listen to me. I fucking love Warforged. I will *always* go to bat for magical robots. They're amazing and I've played so many, from psions to storm domain clerics to the most recent one, Hymn, a gender-neutral Celestial Pact Warlock Warforged who got his abilities because he was a socialist. No, I'm not joking - he was made for usage by the Church of the Sovereign Host, but when a wandering heretical priest came by wondering why the church didn't do more, Hymn started going out at night to perform direct action and mutual aid. Being not that smart, he accidentally wandered into a cult's base and released a captive celestial, who gifted him the power to help more.

a race + class that typically would not go together

I'm of a tossup here - the Halfling Artificer Posco Harfoot, who was a member of the Justicars and in order to even the playing field, built himself a goddamn magitek mech in order to go toe to toe with the other peacekeepers, or of Tiberius Vanderwhinn, an elven Path of the Zealot barbarian who was *extremely* keen on getting his libraries late fees sorted, and gods help you if you dared shout in his library.

sexy criminal

Very few things are sexier than a tiefling, and that would be Boreo Lieran, the Tiefling Bard. Boreo was a staunch contender for the "As fruity as possible" but this pansexual beast is much more in line here because the man seduced half the party prior to or during session 1. Having a prehensile tail and the ability to pick up the gnome lass in the party by it for him to tease probably helped.

Of course, such a man was hilariously illegal, because not only did he smuggle and steal like, 90% of his luxury goods that he used to pamper himself with, he would absolutely flaunt a total disregard for property rights and find himself making grand entrances into peoples homes and lives as part of his wayward caravan, leaving a trail of chaos in his wake.

himbo

One of the more recent characters I've played. Cadmus, Son of Abraxes! A "human" wizard on the plane of Theros, this man is the half-divine son of the literal personification of the pride of a polis that was wiped off the face of the world by the gods for their Hubris. So, an active devotee of the god of victory, and actively blaspheming the goddess of destiny at every turn (As he would put it, we hold the pen in our hands, she merely hoards the ink), his goal was to perform deeds good enough to earn a place as a constellation under the stars. He would only *ever* sleep outside at night, even in cities, because he wanted to rest with them as he knew one day he would for eternity.

[yunsoh]

yuki’s character arc: gay subtext edition

this has probably been a while coming but i’m finally here to talk about the gay subtext in yuki’s story.

[a lil note before i get into things: i know takaya didn’t intend to include this subtext in his story, and with that this is very obviously getting into “death of the author” matters. however, the subtext, though unintentional, is still prevalent, and leads to both an interesting analysis of yuki’s character and, for many, a deeply relateable storyline regarding gender, compulsory heterosexuality, and being closeted.]

yuki’s character arc is, in large part, a story about self-understanding and self-acceptance. he starts off as a character unsure of his true qualities, or of his place in the world; he is self-conscious and driven by other people’s acceptance of him, which causes him to have deeply different private and public personas. he hides away his “real” character in part out of a fear of being disliked or ostracized, and in part because he is still struggling with accepting himself. the result is that he puts on an act to please others, playing a role that is not true to him, and a role that he knows is false, in order to be accepted. his story bears a distinct resemblance to stories and lives of people who struggle with accepting their sexuality: matters of hiding the true self out of fear of being misunderstood or abandoned, dealing with gender and gender expression, coming to terms with compulsory heterosexuality, and finding people who both accept and cultivate his true identity.

from the moment we’re introduced to him, we’re to understand that yuki has a distinct persona for his social and school life, which is in direct conflict with the persona he leads in his private home life. before even introducing our main protagonist tohru, takaya first introduces us to yuki in an omake -- he’s presented at home, surrounded by trash, and not bothered enough by it to take it out or care that it’s expanding. 

it’s a short, but apt intro for his character. we know that people outside of his home circle call him “the prince,” and that he’s actually kind of a mess. we don’t know yet why people call him “the prince” (if it’s because of his looks, his family’s status, if he has a personality that seems princely in some way), or if his school friends (if he has any) refer to him this way, or what his family views him as in contrast to how he’s viewed at school. regardless, we do get to see the crux of yuki’s character and story straight away, even before the story has really started. yuki is someone who has conflicting personas between his private and social life, and considering that these do conflict so heavily, we can assume that the persona he shows at home (his “real” character, in a sense) is hidden from his peers.

we learn rather quickly from tohru, and her interactions with other girls at school, that he’s considered the “reigning prince” because of his beauty, his mystery (caused by him being rather distant from his peers despite his popularity), and his polite nature. we also understand him to be somewhat socially isolated, not of his own accord but because of his fan club “protecting” him, as well as the curse, which keeps him from being close to the girls who adore him anyway. this isolation is something that tohru herself doesn’t immediately perceive, but she comes to realize that he’s someone who not only bottles up his emotions, but cares deeply about what others think of him. he then admits to her his isolation, feeling caged by his family, and his struggles with getting close to others, saying:

“I wanted to have a ‘normal’ life, surrounded by ‘normal’ people. So I applied to a co-ed school and left home. But I couldn’t get out of the cage after all... I just wound up at another Sohma house. And I still can’t associate with ‘normal’ people. I don’t mean to turn them away, but some part of me can’t deal with people. I cut myself off from other people because I’m afraid of getting hurt, and because I’m [cursed]... I’m only being nice because I want people to like me... My being nice is entirely selfish.”

from this, we understand how he perceives his curse: it’s something distinctly socially isolating for him, and as it’s something he was born with and can’t be rid of, he feels unable to navigate his social life without leaning into the persona given to him, and expected of him, by his peers. however, although he feels as though the curse is what keeps him from associating with “normal” people, this is not a mutually understood feeling among all of the cursed sohmas. while the curse is something physically isolating (as they’re unable to hug or be closely intimate with the opposite gender), we see that the curse is interpreted by the zodiac members in different ways outside of this physical isolation. for kyo, it’s not an isolation from his peers as it is for yuki, but rather an isolation from his family, both cursed and immediate; for momiji, the curse isn’t socially isolating, as he doesn’t struggle with his peers, and he instead views it as something that bonds him to the other cursed sohmas when he has been abandoned by his parents. there are varying levels of accepting the curse among the family, and though they are bound by the same manner of physical isolation, how it manifests outside of that is different for each zodiac. 

this is to say that yuki’s curse, and how he perceives it, follows the sentiment of being closeted. he feels unable to associate with “normal” people because of a part of him he is unable to control. he views his family, and his curse, as a cage, as something he wishes to escape but cannot run away from. this cage follows him when he attempts to integrate himself into a “normal” life, and thus causes him to further struggle with feelings of resentment towards the curse, as he perceives it as being central to his struggles of achieving social normalcy. meanwhile, from viewing how other cursed sohmas do not have this issue of social isolation, and can lead social lives that yuki would perceive as normal -- even if they, too, resent the curse, such as kyo -- we can take this to understand that yuki’s struggle with social isolation comes from a fear of being socially ostracized for this part of him that he can’t control. 

he attempts to repress it via leaning into the social persona given to him by his peers, as acting as “the prince” retains his connection to others despite it being isolating in and of itself, via his fan club deeming him untouchable and harshly dissuading others from getting too close. his performance as “the prince” is as much a means of protection as it is to his detriment; he takes comfort in being liked by others, even though it is both superficial and goes beyond normal reasoning by encroaching on his personal boundaries (his fan club taking photos of him without his permission, stealing flowers he made for the culture festival, etc.), but is to his detriment as he feels he has to live up to this persona, which causes him to then hide his real self, and even become unsure of where the “real” yuki ends and “prince” yuki begins. by this i mean, he is shown to view the attributes given to him by his peers as false, because they aid in his false persona, and that he uses these attributes to gain the trust and liking of others -- this includes his kindness.

yuki’s low self-confidence and insecurity causes him to be unable to see the positive attributes that others see in him. as he understands that the attributes that lend to this princely persona include his kindness, he takes this to believe his kindness isn’t genuine, and that it’s merely a part of the act. it’s only when tohru, who is involved in both his social and private life, and has thus been the recipient of his kindness at school and at home, explains to him that his kindness is very much real and a part of him that he begins his journey in trying to understand himself. 

it’s important to understand the intricacies of how yuki goes about viewing his personas, as he shows to not only hide his true self from others, but also lacks an understanding of himself. he struggles to find the precise line at which his true self ends and the prince begins; he believes that his bad attributes are his truth, while his positive attributes are reserved for the prince. this lack of personal understanding, and viewing himself in such a harsh and negative light, stems from his emotional and mental abuse sustained by his mother and akito. his mother insists that yuki is unable to make decisions for himself and, in making all of his major decisions for him (his attending prestigious compulsory schools, her adamance on selecting his college) gives him no foundation for building his self-esteem. akito’s possessive, cruel, and belittling attitude towards him further damages his self-esteem, as he believes her when she tells him that he is worthless and hated. in addition, both are the basis of his isolation and abandonment issues, which then stems into his need for his peers to like him -- causing him to repress his true self as he has come to believe it’s no good, and hanging onto the prince persona that is given to him even though it is, in itself, isolating. although the prince role makes him lonely, he hangs onto it because it is less isolating than the social isolation he experienced through his compulsory education, his isolation from his mother and brother, and far less isolating than the physical isolation he experienced from the “special room” akito kept him in.

it’s only when tohru coaxes him away from the idea that he isn’t genuinely kind, and becomes his friend, that he can begin to understand who he is outside of his family, the curse, and how his peers view him. rather than separate himself by private and social personas, he begins to grow into an identity that is applicable for both his private and social spheres. by the end of the story, the yuki who is shown at home, and the yuki who is shown at school, are much the same person.

included in this journey, too, are yuki’s issues with how others perceive his gender.

we see multiple times how people regard yuki’s appearance: they call him pretty, they question whether he’s a boy or a girl, and some are convinced he’s a girl until told otherwise. he’s dismayed by his looks, with kyo saying that he’s “really self-conscious about his pretty face,” but despite this isn’t against using them when the situation calls for it -- which is never for his own want or gain, but always for others. we see this in particular during the first culture festival, when he agrees to wear a dress as a means of appeasing the third-year girls. he agrees to do it in order to avoid breaking his social persona, and in doing so disregards his own wants and comfort levels. he clearly doesn’t like the attention he receives from this act, but at the same time uses his beauty in order to protect his family:

when kyo suggests that yuki actually enjoys this type of attention, in which people call him cute, pretty, “womanly,” and the like, yuki reacts violently, solidifying that it’s something he is seriously uncomfortable with (though he admits to tohru that he doesn’t mind when she, a friend, perceives him as such, and this is perhaps because he has a level of trust and comfort with her, and at this point feels she sees more of him than most do). he acts on his beauty a few other times, such as distracting the postman when kagura transforms, and even gets out of situations when he’s perceived as a woman without acting on it, such as when he and kyo retrieve tohru from her grandfather’s house and her male cousin, who displays an attraction to yuki, is stunned to the point of inaction at learning yuki is a boy.

this distinct discomfort of how people perceive his gender seems to come from multiple channels. there is the general viewpoint of a teenage boy trying to fit in socially, while also giving in to what his peers expect and create of him -- the pull between acting masculine, as that is typically expected of his gender, and acting polite and soft with his “prince” persona, which is socially perceived as detracting from the former. he takes a long time to come to terms with how he wants to present himself, as he doesn’t want to come off as un-princelike to his peers, but also often gives in to these more masculine traits outside of school (getting in physical fights with kyo, having little to no sense of keeping tidy surroundings at home, being short-tempered and harsh-tongued with shigure and haru, and the like). while his at-home persona is never quite as tough as how kyo or haru present themselves, it’s still more masculine than the personality he shows while at school.

his relationship with his brother ayame also weighs on this matter, as ayame is someone who is extremely comfortable in his flamboyant gender expression and doesn’t care how others perceive him. while yuki doesn’t necessarily dislike him for this reason, it is something that puts a wall between them simply because yuki cannot relate. this is shown as ayame and yuki are perceived by others quite similarly, as we see people question ayame’s gender and see how others fawn over his beauty. the difference is that ayame doesn’t have the distinct personal and social personas that yuki has created -- ayame’s true self is being someone who is quite comfortable blurring the lines of gender expression, and is someone who truthfully leans into his androgynous beauty, regardless of how others view him. yuki, on the other hand, is uncomfortable with his androgyny, but frequently leans into it due to social pressures. he doesn’t quite understand how his brother can so easily be the way he is.

it’s not until later, after yuki has befriended kakeru, that we see his true expression begin to emerge. interestingly, it’s in part because kakeru both sees him for who he is, as tohru does, and teases him over his beauty and princely status at school. kakeru calls him “yuki-chan” after first meeting him, and even more frequently calls him a princess as a means to denounce and poke fun at his prince status. though this is a sore spot for yuki at first, and causes some resentment towards kakeru before they’re able to befriend each other, kakeru teasing him by calling him a “princess” in some ways validates yuki’s emergence into becoming his own person; beyond teasing yuki for being pretty, kakeru is making fun of the princely persona that his peers have put onto him. it’s part of how yuki understands kakeru to see him -- he’s able to see that yuki really isn’t this prince that people believe him to be, and that the moniker is unfitting to the point of being laughable. 

however, considering that being called a princess still denotes that yuki is in a way girlish, it’s still something that yuki fights kakeru about, but in a far less severe manner than his fights with kyo over the same words. his fights with kakeru are far more playful, and come from kakeru’s penchant for pushing yuki’s buttons out of fun rather than a point of unkindness, as is the case for kyo. this is similar to how yuki doesn’t mind if tohru calls him cute -- he has a level of trust and understanding with kakeru, and feels that kakeru really sees him rather than a false persona, and fights kakeru more because he’s being teased. his fights with kyo are more defensive as kyo says these things as a means of belittling him, while viewing him as someone who he really isn’t.

gender expression, and how one’s gender is perceived, is often another point of contention within lgb+ narratives, as there come certain social stereotypes for how gay people are to express their gender. by which i mean, gay men are often stereotyped as coming off as effeminate, lesbians are stereotyped as being somewhat masculine, and the like. this in turn causes society (in a general sense) to believe that boys and men who deviate from the straight, masculine norm must be gay, and similarly that girls and women who deviate from the hyperfeminine norm must be lesbians (though, it is generally more socially acceptable for women to take on boyish or masculine traits than it is for men to take on feminine traits). as being gay is socially ostracizing, boys and men who are perceived as such due to their feminine traits may then reject or deny them. 

for yuki, this struggle with what others perceive as his femininity comes at a crossroads, as he both finds these traits to be embarrassing, but doesn’t fight against them as his peers seem to enjoy his unmasculine beauty. in the series, the only person who really disparages yuki for his more feminine traits is kyo; he is otherwise not socially ostracized for it, and instead feels a deep insecurity around it simply because he doesn’t enjoy the attention (from both boys and girls) and just wants to present as more masculine in his social life. however, as he hangs onto the acceptance of his peers through his femininity, he struggles to really present his more masculine traits in social settings -- that is, until he joins the student council and befriends people who see him for who he is rather than who he is expected to be. it’s through his socializing with the student council that he begins to bring the more typical masculine traits he presents in his private life to school (through being more physical, raising his voice, etc.).

this is not to say that yuki is gay/non-straight because of his femininity (we never see other characters assume he’s gay, but rather see other male characters seem to question their own sexuality upon realizing that yuki isn’t a woman, or otherwise by admitting to being attracted to him because they focus on his femininity). to say so would be stereotypical, and narratively wrong. rather, this is more to do with how expected gender presentation can be in conflict with personal gender presentation (this can occur regardless of sexuality, however tends to be particularly prevalent in lgb+ circles due to the inherent subversion of expected gender norms that comes with being non-straight; this is part of a much larger dialogue in how heterosexuality is the basis for expected gender conformity, and how “masculine” and “feminine” traits are perceived as being applicable to men and women respectively, when in truth these traits are applicable across the gender spectrum.) in typical narratives, the expected presentation for men is to take on masculine traits, and a deviation from that towards the feminine brings the subject’s sexuality into question (even if the subject is straight). 

for yuki, the matter is more complicated, as his expected gender presentation actually falls into both masculine and feminine -- he’s expected to present masculine traits on the basis that he’s a boy, however is also expected to present feminine traits due to the social persona of the prince that his peers have placed on him. for yuki, the matter of gender presentation is in constant conflict, as he feels uncomfortable in being perceived as feminine, yet leans into that presentation in order to appease the expectations of his peers. again, his conflicts with gender presentation alone do not necessarily make him non-straight, but the presence of such a conflict is prevalent in lgb+ narratives. 

it’s important, too, to recognize the matters of sexuality that present themselves in yuki’s immediate circle, namely through haru and ayame. when we’re first introduced to haru, he tells tohru that yuki was his first love; when we’re introduced to ayame, he tells a story of his youth where he told the boys at his school to “direct their passions at [him]” in order to keep them from getting in trouble for being intimate with girls. the matters of talking about the sexuality of these two characters becomes difficult if only because they’re presented as a means to shock or joke, rather than as something that is discussed seriously. haru and ayame’s attraction to men isn’t meant to be taken seriously by the audience (the reveal of these attractions are met with shock/distaste by our main cast), and as such yuki’s response to their sexualities is that of annoyance. if we’re to remove the (maybe less than gentle) mockery of non-straight identities, yuki’s reactions to both haru and ayame could instead be read as him internally tying their sexualities to their odd and outlandish demeanors -- and yuki, as a character who by and large tries to keep his head down and do what is expected of him, pushes the notion of homosexuality away because he finds it to be in conflict with his character. he doesn’t consider it, because it doesn’t fit with his expected personas. 

(compare these moments, which happen early on in the series, to a much later scene where kakeru openly discusses how attractive the men in the sohma family are, and yuki isn’t annoyed with him despite kakeru also being in a close relationship to him and having a similar outlandish behavior to haru and ayame; the line for how acceptable it is to discuss the attraction of and to the same gender becomes murky, and because so much time has passed and yuki has gone through some personal growth, it’s unclear if he has become more accepting of these attractions or if he just perceives them as being different.)

but, again, the discussion of how homosexuality is presented in the series is difficult to analyse, because it’s not presented as something to be taken seriously. it’s fair to say that yuki’s reactions to haru, ayame, and kakeru are more about the context they’re presented in than just their attraction to men alone -- he gets annoyed with haru because haru insists that he was his first love (an unrequited attraction, and one he doesn’t take seriously), he gets annoyed with ayame because he finds ayame’s person to be too outlandish as a whole to even begin to understand, and he doesn’t get annoyed with kakeru because he knows kakeru is in a committed relationship with a girl, and that saying that men are attractive doesn’t necessarily imply an attraction to them. 

the matter of sexuality, though, is prevalent in yuki’s story despite the narrative’s dismissal of it, and this comes to light through his discussion of his compulsory heterosexuality towards tohru.

chapters 83 and 86 primarily deal with this matter, and it starts off with the quite literal scene of yuki being trapped in the student council’s storage closet, thinking about both the trauma of his isolation in the dark room and having a moment where he imagines akito belittling his feelings towards tohru. while not immediately apparent, it’s here that he internally faces his true feelings for her after having ignored them for so long. at first, he continues to feel pathetic and demonizes his feelings, imagining akito saying these words instead of hearing them through his own internal dialogue (a means of filtering his negative thoughts through the image of his abuser). these have been the personal demons he’s been fighting since after kyo’s true form arc (numbers-wise, that’s roughly fifty chapters out of a 136 chapter series), and in that period we’ve seen him struggle with whether he should “open the lid” on his feelings

then, in continuing the visual of yuki being in the closet, the door is broken down by machi, at which point she says that she thought he “wouldn’t like being alone and helpless in there,” mirroring the sentiments he felt being physically isolated and mentally abused under akito’s care. and in leaving the closet, he finally admits to himself, kakeru, and the audience, that he isn’t romantically attracted to tohru, and his attraction to her was compulsory. he loves her, but views her as a mother figure.

this is one of those moments in the series where the subtext is almost so, so blatant that it’s just text, but i digress. 

the acceptance that tohru gave him in the very beginning of the series, when he was incredibly conflicted in his identity and buried in his low self-esteem, cultivated his growth into finding out his own worth and who he is. as mentioned, his family life growing up did not give him this foundation, and so in her giving it to him instead, he received from her what he should have received from a parental figure -- his mother in particular, as his father wasn’t present.

however, being that she’s the same age as him, and finds this relationship to be strange, he attempted to warp his own feelings towards her into something more acceptable, and has this conversation with kakeru in explaining those feelings:

Yuki: “I needed a mother’s love. And before I knew it… I found it in Honda-san.”

Kakeru: “Even though she’s a girl you can be attracted to?”

Yuki: “Yes. Well… before she was someone of the opposite sex, she was really more like a mother to me. And that’s what I’d been looking for. But I panicked. When I realized I was thinking of her that way, I got confused. Very confused, actually. The whole thing was embarrassing, and I didn’t want to admit to it. I pretended not to realize, at first, anyway. I put a lid on my feelings. I told myself it wasn’t like that. I tried to talk to her, like boys do to girls. But I was wrong. That’s not the way it is with us.”

admitting that he tried to bury his real feelings, and attempted to force his feelings to be romantic for her instead, can be at face value read as him having a sudden understanding of his sexuality -- here, becoming confused to the point of panic when he realized he wasn’t romantically attracted to her -- in a way that indicates that he isn’t straight. his embarrassment here comes from his seeing her as a mother figure (and with that, his feeling that their relationship isn’t balanced), but still follows the narrative of compulsory heterosexuality. he assumed that, because he was a boy, and she was a girl, and he was experiencing intense feelings for her, those feelings should have been those of romantic attraction. 

compulsory heterosexuality is just about as it sounds -- the “straight until proven otherwise” argument. acting under the assumption that one is heterosexual, there’s the sense that strong romantic or sexual feelings towards the opposite gender must be cultivated, and when those feelings fall short (such as coming to the realization that the feelings aren’t romantic or sexual in nature), there comes confusion; as compulsory heterosexuality is cultivated by a heteronormative society, it also creates a confusion on a social level. we can see this here with kakeru questioning yuki’s feelings, asking why he can’t view tohru as both a mother figure and someone he can pursue romantically, and telling him that he’s essentially giving up for no reason. yuki, in turn, tells him he’s not giving up -- it’s just that he truly is not, and cannot, be romantically attracted to her.

in a similar manner, as yuki comes to terms with how he understands his own romantic feelings, he’s rather blind to when girls have romantic feelings for him. this comes to light when he realizes that the leader of his fan club, motoko, has also been harboring romantic sentiments for him, alongside the many third-year girls who he has had to turn down as they attempt to confess to him before graduation. he remarks that he’s dense, and that he feels bad because he can “do nothing but hurt those girls.” this more or less goes along with his coming to terms with understanding how he experiences romantic attraction, but is also an interesting reveal of how he has misunderstood his role as the “prince” -- though he sought after the affections of his peers, and got that tenfold from his fan club (despite their overbearing and obsessive mannerisms), he never believed that the girls in this club liked him to the point of romantic attraction. he’s confused when he navigates his non-romantic feelings for tohru, and confused when he realizes motoko loves (or, loved) him, despite her creating the prince yuki fan club, and being its dutiful leader for two years.

at this point in his story, though he is at a much better point in his self-confidence and identity, he admits that he still holds the same weakness as he always had. this includes his self-worth, and being unsure of how people really feel about him. that wraps around to a part of him that is still socially isolated, that makes him feel unable to fully associate with “normal” people, in this case, girls in particular: his curse.

this is going back to my earlier sentiment that the way in which yuki perceives his curse closely follows narratives of being closeted. at this point, he has found a confidant in kakeru, and finds kakeru to be the one person who he feels safe discussing personal matters with -- not just his relationship with tohru, but also talking to him about some parts of his family life. he did, in a sense, “come out” to kakeru when telling him that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for tohru, and for a relationship between two boys, this seems apt. he was closeted by the “lid” he kept on his feelings for tohru, and is closeted still by his curse. he doesn’t consider going to kakeru about the curse because that doesn’t affect his relationship with him the way admitting his lack of attraction to a girl does; rather, it affects his relationships with girls, and still leaves him somewhat stunted in understanding the give and take of emotions between him and them. machi becomes an outlier, if only because she’s the only girl who has ever seemed to view him differently (sans tohru; and even then, kakeru points out that yuki is slow to understand machi’s feelings for him). she had always rejected his prince persona, and was extremely slow to warm up to him. but, as he reaches out to her and becomes her confidant, she reaches out to him in turn and actively seeks his presence above anyone else’s. he feels seen by her, and feels needed by her.

he and machi start dating at the end of chapter 125, and it’s a few chapters later that he begins to question whether he should open up to her about the curse. in his thought process, he directly reflects the language he used with tohru in the beginning of the series, when he told her he struggled with associating with “normal” people:

“Honda-san knows that Kyo’s not a normal person. She already knows, and she has for a while. But… in my case… I have to tell [Machi]. If I want to stay with her… then I have to tell her the one thing that she may or may not accept.” 

similar to his “coming out” to kakeru, yuki now has to “come out” again with his secret of the curse to machi. although this is an essay about gay subtext, it is important that it’s machi who he’s coming out to, if only because the mechanics of the curse are inherently straight, and, well, he’s dating a girl who this directly affects. there is still the distinct story of hiding something so integral and important to your very being away in order to avoid isolation, ostracization, and abandonment -- and this comes to a head when it affects one of the very relationships that helped him grow out of his shell and into his identity.

in a twist, we never actually witness yuki “come out” to machi. the curse lifts just before he is able to do so. instead, he feels freed from the last wall of isolation that kept him from her, and in the moment says “right now, this is enough” as he’s finally able to hold her. and i don’t think this is something to feel cheated out of by any means -- while it would have been interesting to see machi’s reaction, at this point in the story, he already has been accepted by her, as she is one of the few to take him as he is without any presumptions attached. and this reflects an earlier thought he had of her, in which he said:

“Crowds used to make me wonder: how many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly, once upon a time. But now… I’m a little different. It’s not like that. It doesn’t have to be a lot of people. Even if it’s just one person, that’s enough. Having one person is an incredible thing, because then it can’t be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too… In the midst of all those people, she singled me out and found me. Having someone other than yourself thinking of you, looking for you… you can’t take that for granted.”

this isn’t meant to be an argument that yuki “should have” ended up with someone else, or should have been canonically non-straight -- the story is what it is, and at the end of the day the story is predicated on basic heteronormative social aspects, centered around a curse that, while it symbolically goes deep into abuse, trauma, isolation, and the problem of those things being cyclical, mechanically functions as hetero isolation. for yuki to come to terms with his curse, and his ever-present anxiety over not being able to fully integrate with “normal” people, it was narratively necessary for him to be pushed by his relationship with machi. while he experienced social isolation on all fronts, his ending up with a guy likely wouldn’t have created that same sense of urgency (hence, why he never so much as thinks to tell kakeru about the curse, despite their closeness and his ease with him in opening up about personal matters), or resulted in a finality of his curse that allows for a physical act of symbolism to announce the end of his isolation. 

it’s regardless of the heterosexuality of it all that makes yuki’s story so very relateable on the basis that it can be interpreted as gay-coded. it doesn’t really matter that he ended up with a girl** -- what matters is that his curse, the thing he needed to “come out” to her about, in itself is easily read as his struggles with accepting his sexuality as part of his long, winding road in accepting himself fully. his similar “coming out” to kakeru about his comphet feelings, his long-standing struggles with his gender, and his overall struggles with understanding himself in the face of his fears of abandonment and social isolation, all come together to make yuki’s story one that is easily read as coming to terms with one’s sexuality in their journey of self-acceptance and self-love. 

**here, i mean ‘matter’ in terms of narrative -- gay representation in media is of course necessary, and even though yuki can be so easily read as a gay or otherwise non-straight character, that doesn’t mean that the story upholds positive gay rep.

[stanthefrogs]

and in these words i’ll find myself

(ao3) a dex character study i wrote at 3 am ft. the frogs and more comfort than hurt. canon compliant

~

It’s their last night in Maine when Dex finally puts things into words.

“Have you ever been in love?” Chowder asks, staring at the waves with the wonder of someone who has loved, and loves deeply.

It’s a Frog annual tradition that Nursey had started, one Dex never thought he’d believe in, but one they’ve all come to treasure. Two summers ago, they spent a week sightseeing in New York, and last summer in San Francisco was more of the same. But this year, this week, in Maine, has been more about Dex’s family falling in love with his friends and letting his friends fall in love with the ocean. Not that he can blame any of them. 

Nursey lets out a low, soft laugh. “God, yes,” he says, leaning back against the sand. 

Chowder hums. “I think I’m in love with Cait.” 

Dex rolls his eyes and grins. “I think anyone who’s met you can tell.”

“Yeah, C,” Nursey says, “You look at her like she hung the moon.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Chowder smiles bashfully. “I like saying it.”

“She’s a lucky woman,” Nursey says, nudging their friend. Then, “I fell in love with my high school boyfriend.” Dex turns to look at him and finds his eyes glossed over, but bright and alive with a fire Dex knows he purposefully dampens year round. “We were the only queer men of color in our year, and when I was with him I felt like I could take on the world.”

“What happened to him?” Chowder asks.

Nursey tilts his head, searching for the right words. “We crashed and burned,” he says eventually. “You know those relationships where everything’s really intense but really unstable? Like, there are no foundations and you rely on your feelings or whatever the entire time.”

Chowder nods knowingly, but Dex watches them quietly.

“Anyway, we broke up before I came to Samwell,” Nursey continues. “I think I’ll always carry a part of him with me, but I’m a lot happier without him.”

That, Dex thinks he can understand. He knows how much lighter he feels at Samwell without the burden of his parents’ love and all the conditions that come with. Sometimes he wonders if it’s a burden he wants to bear, and he thinks of the relief that comes with freedom.

“What are you thinking about, Dex?” Chowder says, watching Dex curiously. Chowder’s love, however, is a grounding weight that steadies Dex more than his own stubbornness. 

Dex shrugs. “Lots of things.”

“You ever been in love?” 

He stills just for a second, the blood rushing to his face and his heartbeat suddenly loud in his ears. He says, calmly, “Not really,” and braces himself. 

“Chill,” Nursey replies and Chowder nods, neither too concerned. Relieved, Dex turns towards the water, watching the push and pull of the tide.

But it’s that time of night of unspoken secrecy and vulnerability, of loose tongues and open hearts, and the thing with timing is that it’s never perfect, so Dex lets his confession slip out, something he’s not admitted to anyone, barely audible above the whispering waves. “I’ve never even been kissed.” It’s not like it’s scandalous, but Dex is twenty, almost twenty-one, and he’s heard enough jokes about pent-up sexual frustration to know that it’s not exactly… normal .

At first, he’s not sure if either of them heard, but after a moment, Nursey says, “Chill.”

“It’s not like you need to have kissed someone to fall in love,” Chowder adds.

“I know,” Dex says. “But there’s never been anyone. It’s that sometimes–” He clears his throat. “Sometimes it scares me. ”

“Why?” Chowder asks, his eyes big and shining with worry. “I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

“Yeah, Dex, you’re a catch.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not that.” If he’s honest, “I’m actually– okay with not finding anyone. At least for now.” He’s made his peace with his single status, even made his peace with staying closeted from his parents. It’s something else, something he doesn’t quite know how to explain. It’s like– “I’ve learnt to be happy. With the people around me, and with the decisions I’m making for myself, and everything else.” He’s going to captain a winning hockey team, graduate surrounded by his found family, and hopefully get a well-paying job close to them and never have to worry about money again. Dex has found love and fulfilment in places his parents weren’t expecting for him, but he’s defied many of their other expectations, too. 

“It’s more that– Everyone around me is falling in love or getting engaged. And I’ve– never been kissed. Never had someone tell me they like me, never been on a date. And it’s– there are all these things that I’ve never experienced, but I want to. It’s just.” He stops. Thinks. “I feel like I’m being left behind. And it’s my choice!” he adds when Chowder starts to protest. “But I’m scared–”  And this– this is the tricky part, the part he’s never quite managed or even tried to explain.

He sighs. “I’m scared that when I am finally ready, no one will want me.” And oh. That. That feels like a weight off his chest, and he knows he’s found the right words. There’s still a multitude of things he wants to say: how he’s scared of other people’s judgement, of their condescension and their pity; how he’s scared of being lonely and misunderstood; how he’s fucking terrified of being left aside, especially by his friends, for marriage and nuclear families and all things “traditional”– because their world, for all the love it holds, places romance above all else, and that’s not something Dex can see changing any time soon. 

But something’s been unlocked within him, and he knows those conversations will come eventually. So for now he sits with these words and treasures them for the weight they’ve lifted.

Finally, he looks to his friends and watches as they digest what he’s said, protests and words of comfort teetering on the tips of their tongues. But patience is a virtue they’ve all had to learn, and he sees the moment they accept what he’s said, and leave him be. Sometimes, with Dex, he’s not looking for comfort. Just a listening ear and an open mind.

The silence stretches out in front of them, almost as seemingly endless as the ocean itself, but, eventually, Nursey says, “That’s fair,” and Chowder nods in agreement.

It’s acceptance without understanding, and Dex feels relief flood him.

“You know I really love you guys,” he says. And then Nursey’s punching him and Chowder’s tackling him in a hug.

“Well we’d know if you told us more often!” Chowder cries into his ear. Crushed beneath him, his arms wrapped tight around his friend, Dex laughs.

“Chill, C, Dex grew up gay and repressed and Republican, cut him some slack,” Nursey chirps, but his face is fond and his eyes are shining and Dex’s heart swells. He grins at Nursey, who grins back.

“Listen,” he says, pushing himself up, Chowder still clinging to him, “we can’t all be in tune with our inner poets and shit. Some of us are emotionally dumb.”

“I don’t know, Dex,” Nursey says. “You seemed pretty in touch with your emotions just now.”

Dex blushes and looks away. “Yeah, well.”

Chowder turns his head from the crook of Dex’s neck to look at Nursey. “Are you gonna stop chirping him and get in on this cuddle pile, or what?” 

Dex snickers. “Yeah, Nurse, we’re not really feeling the love, here.” But when he holds a hand out towards him, he also sends him a smile that he hopes shows how grateful he is. From the way Nursey smiles back, the message is received.

Nursey takes his hand and Dex pulls him in, falling backwards against the sand. Chowder sighs into the hug, and Nursey laughs into his ear. Dex feels the vibrations in his chest and something in him settles. 

It’s there in the sand, between the quiet whispering ocean and the soft hush of the cool summer breeze, in the liminality of midnight hours and summer vacation, with his two best friends happy and warm in his arms, that Dex thinks to himself: maybe he has fallen in love. Just not the way the world expects him to.

[moonlit-jeno]

Love Sick

Chapter 2- Donghyuck

pairing: nct dream ‘00 line + reader

genre/warnings: zombie!au, fluff, eventual smut, angst. some graphic violence/ gore

words: 2.3k

summary:

“You’re telling me that I slept through the beginning of the zombie   apocalypse.” You deadpan, expecting at least one of them to break   character and laugh. All four boys remain grim.

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They drive for hours, Jeno eventually switching with Jaemin so that he can get some sleep. They’ve only dared to stop once so far to grab a can of gasoline, the empty gas station far too foreboding for them to feel comfortable at. And then they’re driving again, through the dark streets, headed god knows where. There’s no cell reception and GPS isn’t working, so they’re driving blind. The map Jaemin grabbed is ancient and has been folded so many times that the creases blend in with the roads.

It’s early morning when Jaemin takes a right turn that leads them down a dirt road, with the trees growing thicker and blocking out some of the sunlight. Donghyuck shudders at the fear he gets from this place.

“Are you sure we should go this way?” Renjun asks, turning behind them to see how far from the main road they are.

There’s a nod from Jaemin. “Yeah, it looks alright. No harm in exploring.” Donghyuck snorts. Sure, they’re in a fast car with locked doors, but their eyes aren’t protected from the horrific sights around them. He’s still scarred from watching the guy bash his own head in an attempt to get to them, and he doesn’t want to add any more memories to that part of his brain.

The trees get a little thinner in one area, and Donghyuck has to squint to realize that there’s a house there. “Jaem, look.”

The car slows, Jaemin and Renjun leaning closer to get a better look. Jeno is snoring in the passenger seat, having driven for the majority of the trip.

“It’s fucking massive.” Renjun points out, and he isn’t wrong. The house is at least double the size of Hyuck’s own home. “Guess land out here’s cheaper.” It’s quiet as they decide what to do, the car humming idly. Donghyuck knows what they’re all thinking, what they’re all scared to say. They can’t stay in this car forever, and this house seems perfect. Isolated, huge, probably has running water and electricity. Of course, it only seems perfect from the outside. They have no way of knowing what’s on the inside. The place could be crawling with zombies- he cringes just thinking of the word- or it could have some people who don’t take kindly to strangers. He can only pray that it’s empty and that its owners don’t plan on returning.

“We should go in.” Jaemin murmurs, pulling over to the side of the road. Renjun hums in agreement, and Donghyuck hates himself for agreeing too. It’s the logical decision, but he feels sick to his stomach at the prospect of potentially running into a zombie. At the prospect of dying.

Hyuck reaches one shaking hand forward and nudges Jeno awake. He needs his sleep, sure, but he needs to be a part of this decision. He startles awake with a sharp inhale, looking around for a second before his brain fully wakes up.

“Well, shit.” Jeno coughs to clear his throat, laughing humorlessly. “Guess it wasn’t just a bad dream?”

Renjun doesn’t seem to have the patience for small talk. “We found a house. It’s pretty secluded, and we’re going to have to stop at some point anyways. Here seems as good a place as any.” Jeno blinks before turning his head and looking at the house. He shrugs. “I guess. Who’s going in?” Silence. None of them had thought that far ahead. “Someone should stay in the car.” Renjun points out. He doesn’t add the words “in case something goes wrong”, but they all hear them anyways.

Donghyuck considers it for all of one second before he realizes that a) it would leave him alone and vulnerable, b) he’s a horrendous driver, and c) he won’t be able to handle not knowing what’s happening to his friends in the house.

“Not me.” He says, meeting Jaemin’s quirked eyebrow with a stare of his own. “What? You’ve all seen my driving.” That at least gets him a snort and a ‘fair enough’ from Jeno. Renjun shrugs. “I’ll do it.” Another beat of silence. “Guess that means we’re going in.” Jaemin says, looking from Jeno to Donghyuck. “Guess it does.” He hopes his voice isn’t shaking as badly as he thinks it is.

Jeno mumbles a ‘fuck this’ and hops out of the car, Jaemin quickly following suit. Renjun pulls them all in for a quick hug before hopping into the front seat.

The walk up to the house is both the shortest and longest walk Donghyuck has ever experienced. He needs to know if it’s empty, if there’s something inside, but he also doesn’t. His day’s been bad enough already; he doesn’t need to add ‘being chased by zombies’ to the list of things that have happened to him.

They get to the front door, and it’s surprisingly clean- no peeling paint, the tiny windows at the top of the door clear of fingerprints and dust. Donghyuck looks to the side and finds some potted plants next to a pair of shoes. Jeno and Jaemin have noticed it too.

“We should knock?”  Jaemin tries to suggest. It comes out as more of a question, and he clears his throat. “I mean, it looks like there might be someone here. They might be more willing to help us if we’re polite?” Jeno shrugs. Donghyuck glances back to the truck, engine humming softly. Renjun’s looking out the window nervously. “Right. On the count of three?” “One.” Donghyuck puts his fist up first. Jaemin and Jeno follow hesitantly.

“Two.” There so much that could go wrong. Donghyuck’s never been good at running, especially not under pressure. He wonders if an angry zombie is enough to turn him into an Olympic sprinter.

Jeno’s in a fighting stance, probably subconsciously. A habit from all his years of picking fights on the streets, before he started boxing and found a healthy way to channel his anger. He wonders if Jeno would be able to throw a punch, or if all his muscles would lock up. Donghyuck knows what would happen if he tried it himself.

“Three.” They knock together, three hands on one piece of wood. His heartbeat is pounding in his ears, stomach twisting so violently that he has to lean against Jaemin for support. He expects the door to fly open, expects 10 raging monsters to come pouring out, expects to stare straight into the barrel of an angry farmers gun. He holds his breath.

Nothing happens. Jaemin, who’s eyes had been squeezed shut, blinks at the door in confusion, leaning forward to knock again. There’s no response. He tries the doorknob, but it doesn’t budge.

“Strange. Should we break in?” Jeno asks, jumping up on his tiptoes to try and peer in through the windows at the top. It’s useless, they’re too high.

Jaemin nods and Hyuck steps back, prepared to have to ram his full body weight into the door. But the youngest just kneels down, pulling something out of his pocket before setting to work.

“Are you- where did you learn to pick a lock?” Donghyuck squints, watching the door open. Jaemin stands back up and winks, pocketing his paper clip. “That doesn’t answer my question!” They’re all slightly more at ease after no mysterious noises have come from inside. But the fear is still there, curling and stabbing at his gut. “We should check all the rooms first, make sure there’s nothing hiding.” Jeno’s suggestion is logical, of course, but that doesn’t mean Donghyuck likes it. Especially since they’d decided to split up for this part, so he can’t hide behind Jaemin or cling onto Jeno’s hand. He voices his complaints under his breath as he creaks open a door, peering into it and seeing in relief as nothing jumps out. Three more doors are opened, all devoid of zombies.

They regroup in the kitchen, Donghyuck being the last to join. Renjun’s there, groceries lining the table and floor. “Jesus, how long did I take.” Jaemin shrugs. “Pretty long. But there was no screaming, so we figured you were alright. Find anything?”

“Nah. All the rooms upstairs are empty, I even check the closets. You guys?” Two heads are shaken at him. “One of the doors was locked so I couldn’t check it, but I figure it’s fine. Didn’t want to bust it down and find out that I was wrong.” Jeno tries for humor but misses the mark. For once, Donghyuck doesn’t make fun of him.

“I was betting that you passed out in fear.” Renjun pipes up, and Donghyuck sends him a glare that he hopes is scathing. He gets a smile in return.

There’s a glass of water on the table and Donghyuck’s sandpaper mouth decides hey, that looks delicious. “Where’d you guys find the water?” Silence. The other three turn to look at the glass, the plate next to it. Jaemin swallows thickly. “It was there when we got here. Probably the owners.” Hyuck frowns, walking over to the plate. There’s breadcrumbs still on it and he pokes them. “Seems pretty fresh.” “It’s probably from yesterday. Left, figured they’d clean it when they came back.” Donghyuck feels bile rise in his throat when he realizes that they probably won’t be coming back, because they won’t be able to. It makes him think of other people that might not be coming back- namely his parents- and he shuts down that train of thought before he starts crying.

There’s another beat of silence before Renjun’s standing, walking over to the fridge. “We should take stock of what food they have. I don’t know how long we’re gonna be here, but we should eat the fresh food first. If there even is any.”

Donghyuck’s brain momentarily short circuits- it’s only been one day since the entire world seemingly turned upside down. It feels like it’s been a year.

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by Renjun shoving a plastic bag into his hands. It has four containers in it, and the receipt stapled to the bag reads that it’s from yesterday. His stomach growls.

“Shit, when’s the last time we ate?” His appetite, previously repressed by hunger, makes itself known with a by twisting itself in pain, growling again.

“Too long ago.” Jaemin says, pulling out half a container of soup. “Lunch time?”

The four boys watch impatiently as the food rotates in the microwave, the loud buzzing taunting them. The seconds count down impossibly slow, until finally it beeps. Jeno’s out of his chair in an instant, straight up moaning when the door opens and the scent of Chinese takeout fills the air. “It smells so good.”

“It’s also mine.” That voice doesn’t belong to any of them. All four boys freeze, whipping around to face the source.

A girl stands in the doorway, leaning against the wall. She looks to be around their age. “The cops are on their way. Figured I’d at least give you a chance to avoid jail.” Renjun, always the sharpest, easily replies. “No they aren’t. The phone lines are down. Nice try, though.”

She frowns. “Shit. Are you here to kill me then? Or just to eat my food?” The way she asks the question is so calm, it’s as if she’s asking about the weather. Donghyuck can’t help his giggle. She glances at him and he quickly calms his expression.

“We’re hiding. We thought this house was empty, but apparently these three couldn’t do their job right.” Renjun motions to the other boys, and okay, wow. He feels a little attacked.

“I didn’t check one room because it was locked!” Jeno exclaims, exasperated.

They start bickering, and Hyuck turns his attention back to the girl. She’s wearing a shirt that looks like it’s three sizes too big, the hem reaching past whatever pants she’s wearing. Her hair looks like it hasn’t been brushed in about a week, and there’s smudges of leftover makeup around her eyes. She’s pretty- not the time to be focusing on these things, but whatever, he can’t help it- even though she’s half asleep and looks about ready to give up and go back to bed. The biggest yawn he’s ever seen leaves her and then she’s walking over to the counter, plopping down on it.

“Sorry, hiding from who? I’m going to tell you right now that I will not be happy if the feds come knocking down my door.” She swings her legs back and forth, the action revealing neon pink sleep shorts.

The four boys all share a look. Jaemin opens his mouth, then closes it, considering the options. Obviously they have to tell her the truth, but there’s not really a way to say it that won’t sound crazy. There’s no evidence to back them up. No internet access to show her proof.

They have a silent conversation for a while- consisting of a lot of furrowed brows and widening eyes- before Donghyuck has enough and leans back in his seat, turning to her. “Zombies.” She snorts. “Yeah, I’m sure. Honestly, if you would’ve said aliens, I would’ve let you stay. But zombies? That’s kind of lame, don’t you think.” Renjun rolls his eyes. “Believe me, I wouldn’t be hiding from aliens. They would be hiding from me.” It’s Jeno’s turn to roll his eyes. “Injun, that’s not helping.” “We’re not joking.” Jaemin says, glaring at the other two before turning his attention to the girl. “Believe me, I wish it was. And I know it sounds crazy, but we saw it happen right in front of us.”

“You’re telling me that I slept through the beginning of the zombie   apocalypse.” She deadpans, obviously expecting at least one of them to break character and laugh.

All four boys remain grim.

The smile quickly fades into a frown and she looks at them more carefully. Maybe it’s the fear and pain in their eyes at the memory of yesterday’s events. Maybe she can see through all of them, can see the horrifying images that are printed on the back of their eyelids. Whatever it is, she finally seems to believe them.

“You’re serious?” They all nod. “Shit.” She hops off the counter, walking over to them. “Pass me the food, you have some explaining to do.”

[13eyond13]

i don’t know if you’ve been asked this before, but what’s your take on misa being a lesbian with comphet? personally i agree 100% !!

Hi hi! I don't know if I've been asked before either actually! 😅 Sorry, but this got a bit personal and rambly...

Hmmm... This is one of those things that everyone can interpret for themselves, I would say? Comphet crushes are something I myself was very agonizingly confused by for the longest time; the environment I grew up in wasn't at all gay friendly and extremely sheltering and heteronormative for most of my formative years, and my attractions weren't that easy for myself to define or be confident about most of the time until I was basically in college and out on my own. I do remember what it was like for me to have comphet crushes, though I think it's one of those things that's a bit differently defined and interpreted on an individual level by the person who is experiencing it. Comphet attraction for ME growing up manifested mostly as only liking fictional or totally unavailable guys, and immediately getting uncomfortable and losing interest in them if they actually started liking me back or wanting to be in a real relationship with me. I often repressed and wrote off my very real crushes on girls as silly, platonic "girl crushes," and exaggerated my crushes on guys to properly fit in. I knew on some level that I seemed to actually have stronger interest in girls, and that I appeared to have a harder time wanting to settle into a dating relationship than most of my straight friends. But I could never tell if this was actually being gay. I thought that maybe I was just being picky or lazy or scared, or that I was just too young to want to get serious with a guy in that way. I actually had to spend several years in long-term relationships as an adult with both guys and girls and do a lot of self-reflection and meet a lot of different people before I really felt I knew for sure I was gay due to how well I can repress my own feelings at times. So it's definitely not always an easy thing to figure out or define, even when you're a very introspective type who values being honest with yourself and others.

It's a bit difficult for me to confidently proclaim that Misa's definitely a lesbian who just doesn't know it yet just based on what we see her doing in the story, simply because I think it's something that's up to individual interpretation! Her behaviour is very different than my own most of the time, and relating strongly to their behaviours and such is usually what makes me more confidently decide that a character who wasn't said to be gay in canon isn't straight. I have strong headcanons for characters like Light being gay and repressed because I personally had lots of experiences and behaviours that very closely resemble what we see him go through and perform all throughout the story, for example. Misa, on the other hand, seems pretty open about her feelings and impulsive about acting on them whenever she wants something, so repression and shame and fear aren't that high on the list of qualities I would attribute to her? But I also know something like comphet attraction can manifest completely differently in different personalities and circumstances. And based on what I know about it in general I would say Misa definitely could be interpreted as experiencing comphet attraction in certain ways, too. She seems to decide she's in love with Light based on pretty hasty criteria, picks a fairly obvious choice of a crush that most people wouldn't question her for, and she doesn't seem to be that put off by how little he's genuinely caring about her in return, for example. If she DID just like Light in a comphet sort of way then I guess she probably would actually feel relieved subconsciously that he wasn't genuinely that into her in return. She also displays a bit of homophobia whenever she expresses disgust about L chaining himself to Light; and sometimes these kinds of reactions can come from people being closeted or repressed themselves, or trying to go along with the crowd to avoid being thought of as potentially not straight themselves because they're afraid or in denial or confused.

I would probably say that it's valid to interpret Misa either way in this regard, then! I think it's valid to see her as a comphet attracted lesbian especially if you identify with her behaviours as being like the comphet attraction you experienced yourself. She's a fun and interesting and oddly complicated character, and though it's not my usual first interpretation of her identity and her actions I would be open to seeing her as a repressed lesbian just depending on the story or the ship or whatever. But I ALSO think it's valid for other fans to not want to interpret a character who presents as straight and occasionally homophobic as secretly gay, too. 😅 I maybe sound overly serious about this, but it's just because I think this sort of criteria should be something we normally only use to understand ourselves better, and that it can be a bad idea in real life to try hard to sniff out repressed gayness in other people or to assume that's what's secretly driving their behaviours (especially if it's something like being homophobic, as there are definitely homophobic straight people, too).

Speaking of this topic though, a now-questioning female friend of mine who always seemed 100% confident she was straight growing up actually just sent me a link to a bunch of info about compulsive heterosexuality for girls when we were chatting about it the other day. so maybe I'll link it here in case it's of use to anybody else? 😄

[darrencrissarmy]

Darren Criss

You have been working with Ryan Murphy for a really long time now. How has the collaboration grown in these years? Have you guys gotten into a shorthand?

I think just by nature of him inviting me to be a producer on here was definitely a step of me growing up a little bit. I can’t take a whole lot of credit for this show, we had a dinner where I didn’t intentionally pitch what would become this show, we were just talking about 1940s Hollywood, which I neither invented or created.

Hollywood in the '40s is a genre that — and I say genre, not just a period because it is so full of mythology and lore that we all love so much. It’s kind of up there with sci-fi and fantasy. It has its own kind of world. So we were just riffing on that.

By the time he sold the show after we were kind of just brainstorming, he sold it within a day or two. And then afterwards, he just asked me if I wanted to be an executive producer. And I said, 'are you sure? That is very kind of you, but I understand that this will be your thing and I don’t want to be too big for my britches.'

And of course he was like, 'you are an idiot, of course take it.' I say that because I was very appreciative, I think of the goodwill that he gave to me because he knew that it was something that were kind of piecing together.

But I definitely didn’t write the script or anything. He was very gracious to include me on the sort of very preliminary creative steps and was very open to my input and he was very receptive to that stuff. So there’s a shorthand in so far as I have learned to, he is the busiest man in Hollywood, so I try and keep it short and sweet and concise and I try not to be too big for my britches.  It’s the Ryan thing and when in doubt, let him take the lead and I am just happy to be invited.

Your character is also half-Filipino, just like yourself. Talk about how much you can relate to your character.

You have been around in my life in a much more Filipino capacity than others.  It’s a huge part of my background. But it wasn’t until the past few years where the idea of being white passing or the idea of a part of your identity being unrecognized was ever really a concept to me.

I think it was made clear because there are so many people, either from the Filipino community or other historically marginalized groups, that kind of gave me the term of, 'oh you are white passing.'  And I never thought of that because my whole life, I just was me.

I knew I was Filipino, my dad was white, it was what it was. And so I never thought of that as an internal conflict or an issue until honestly working on “Versace.” It was a conflict for Andrew because it was something that he tried to hide because he was ashamed and he didn’t want to be different, whereas the villain in this scenario is less the self and more, the main antagonist of this show is the '1940s and the suppression and repression that comes from the time itself. 

I am happy to say I don’t relate because I have never really felt slighted in any way because of my background. I am very lucky in that way. I have always felt very supported and welcomed and that’s just a lot of luck and I am very grateful in my life for the people who have given me that.

But somebody like Raymond, he sees this as a reason to kind of start this social justice crusade. You know what, he’s just like Ryan Murphy in the sense that there are things about him that he has had to fight through and accept as a young closeted man from a small town in Indiana, growing up to own the things that he was insecure about and using them to his advantage and in so doing, breaking down the walls for other people that were also in the shadows.

So I think there’s a lot of Ryan Murphy in Raymond, who looks at film and television as a way to push culture forward and to be an advocate for the underdog.

It was great for you to get into old time Hollywood. But facing the problems we are living in today, how do you envision the future of the movie industry? How can we reopen the space in the cinema while protecting and keeping people safe?

Oh gosh, I am definitely the last authority on this matter. I am just as interested in that question as I think all people are in the entertainment business. I don’t know what the answer is but I do know that after we make it out of this, I think we are going to reevaluate a lot of systems that have been in place for several decades, if not a full millennia.

So I love the big joke that once we started going into quarantine, I saw something going around about now we all know which meetings really could have just been an email. So there are a lot of things where we go okay, we really don’t have to do it this way.  And times of chaos make you reevaluate systems. I mean personally, I am a fan of the cinema, I will always be a fan, I think it’s because I am a theater person.

What is the first thing I am going to do when I am out of this? I am going to go to the bars, I am going to go to my piano bar, I am going to get really close to people, and I am probably going to make out with everybody at my bar, frankly.

I mean I just want to be with people, I enjoy the catharsis of communicating, of experiencing things with strangers in a fun — that is what entertainment does, it brings us together.

And even though we are brought together in our homes, there’s something so magical and eternal about sitting in a room and in real time feeling people and hearing people laughing or crying and realizing, oh they are feeling what I am feeling. That’s one of the sort of nuclei of the human experience is getting to do it together.

So I hope that cinemas can reopen soon, however given the priorities of human necessity, I should hope that it isn’t the absolute first thing that needs to happen, I say that to my own chagrin, I work in entertainment and I work in the theaters.

Obviously I would love this to happen but only when it is safe for the world at large.  But I think no matter what, human beings will always find a way, even though we always say, 'oh, we are on our phones, everyone is so disconnected, look at all the kids, they are on their phones,' human beings inevitably always find a way to get together in person.  It is inevitable and I wholeheartedly believe that.

What does the word Hollywood evoke for you? What is the first image, the first sound, the first memory that comes to your mind if I say Hollywood?

It is such a huge concept because I didn’t think, it wasn’t until I moved to Los Angeles that I even realized that it was a place.

I think for so many people, it’s a concept. To go to Hollywood is so much bigger than the sign and the place and the industry, it’s a mantra of sorts to people. So Hollywood to me was the entertainment industry.

I think there are people who aren’t even in the entertainment industry that refer to Hollywood as going big, going for broke, the big dream, the classic great white somewhere.

It’s always meant a whole lot. I mean it’s hard for me to disassociate it from the Hollywood sign and my own career. But gosh it’s an interesting question, it’s just all the things, it’s dreams and it’s the dream factory. For me, all of us having dreams as kids and wanting to work in the entertainment industry, you hear the world Hollywood and it’s exciting, it’s this eternal exciting Mount Olympus that you hope you get to visit. And I have been lucky enough to be granted access and I am still waiting for them to kick me out.

[shinygoku]

Thunderbirds (2004)

A review by me, CutCat! This is 8-ish pages long!

Spoiler for the end of the film warning: Alan is in International Rescue. What a twist!

Totally Turbulent

Soooo, Tbirds ‘04 is one of those Infamous Adaptations, at least among those who enjoyed Thunderbirds (’65) and of more recent times, Thunderbirds are Go (’15). It’s one of those Bad Live Action Adaptations to a near sacred property, making it dubious contemporaries with Dragon Ball [Evolution], Avatar [The Last Airbender] and suchlike.

But wait, is it really That Bad?? Why is it as divisive as it is? What caused the film to be the way it is, and quite unpopular at that?

First I’m gonna make a long story very short by saying that a Live Action Thunderbirds movie was on and off production for many years, and that the script we ended up with is apparently better than another one that was pitched... but there are reports of cooler scripts further back that never made it, for various reasons. It’s almost a story of it’s own right but I’m only going by 2nd hand information at best, so I’d rather just link them at the end for Additional Reading if y’all felt so inclined.

With that out of the way, we have the Takes from the Andersons to look at. Sylvia had a very favourable reception to it:

"I felt that I'd been on a wonderful Thunderbirds adventure. You, the fans, will I'm sure, appreciate the sensitive adaptation and I'm personally thrilled that the production team have paid us the great compliment of bringing to life our original concept for the big screen. If we had made it ourselves (and we have had over 30 years to do it!) we could not have improved on this new version. It is a great tribute to the original creative team who inspired the movie all those years ago. It was a personal thrill for me to see my characters come to life on the big screen."

Whereas Gerry had a considerably blunter response at the opposite end of the scale:

"the biggest load of crap I have ever seen in my entire life."

As for me, a mere fan of predominantly the TAG series with limited but fond memories of the 90’s TOS reruns, I’d been inclined to ignore it and write it off as a DBE or TLA lost cause. But the combined effect of me deciding to check out unpopular media for myself, namely Dragon Ball GT and the live action Super Mario Bros. movie, and thoroughly enjoying both; and the other effect of TAG finishing but my fixation reawakening with the need to consume More, I dived deeper into the fan base than I had dared to before, in which I found more reasons to watch it and make up my own mind fairly.

Find out what I thought, and a review of the movie itself, below the Cut! ✂

Stormy Story

Ok, enough teasing, I see good things in the movie but not enough for it to be a secret masterpiece, not by a long shot.

1/3 Stars from Me. That’s Poor. (Compare with 2/3 being Good, and 3/3 being Excellent)

My main beef is unfortunately kinda the crux of the whole story, so while there were aspects I really liked, it had permanently set the bar low, and other issues were not helping matters. I’ll go into the problems after I sum up the plot.

[sitcom harp music]

14 Year Old Alan Tracy is stuck in a stuffy school with only his nerd friend to confide in. Something’s eating him up, and it’s jealousy over how his family are International Rescue, the secret rescue workers whole pilot the Thunderbirds, impossibly cool craft with capabilities vastly exceeding standard technology. Even when he’s allowed out of school and back to the Island, his envy and barely repressed resentment over not being a member himself causes him to go off and sulk and to try taking Thunderbird 1, the hypersonic jet plane, for a joyride.

His father and the leader of International Rescue, Jeff Tracy chews Alan out for almost compromising the need for the organisation to remain secret, lest their advanced technology falling into the wrong hands. Alas, said wrong hands are already working against IR: The Hood, a diabolical, cold blooded criminal with psychic powers and a grudge against Jeff. After successfully tracking the location of Tracy Island, he launches a missile towards Thunderbird 5, the Space Station where IR monitor potential disasters to prevent as much damage as possible, manned by John Tracy.

With TB5 crippled and John injured, Jeff and his other three older sons all scramble to the disaster zone via Thunderbird 3, the Rocket Ship. But with Tracy Island largely unmanned, The Hood moves in and aims to use the Thunderbirds to rob bank vaults while simultaneously smearing International Rescue’s good name. As the only Tracy brother left on Earth, it’s up to Alan and his 2 friends, Fermat and Tin-Tin, to foil the Hood and save his family, proving himself worthy in the process. He is also assisted by IR’s London Agent, Lady Penelope, and her driver/butler/lockpicker, Parker.

...

Ok, so that’s a summary you may read on the back of a DVD box, maybe it’s a bit long but whatever. Do you see what’s wrong with the story? The massive rift in the formula that should be within a template set by the hugely popular TV Series?

Critical Crux

For me, the main issue with the movie is that the Tracy family are thrown under a bus, or perhaps it’s more like being locked in a closet, in order for Alan to rise up and be The Hero. A show that was about each of them having different roles and personalities to the others, and the movie sees the best way to adapt the premise is to reduce 3 of them to cardboard cutouts who aren’t allowed to do or say anything meaningful, with the exception to this getting the dubious honour of getting a missile and exploding space station to the face.

I can’t clearly express how much this pisses me off! It’s downright insulting and baffling as well. They had pre established characters right there for the taking but go NO! Let’s make OCs to fill this newly created void instead and make the main Message of the film Friendship Teamwork.

Why does every child-skewed media hafta have the Friendship message? It’s a good one, sure, but nothing said in this film about it was fresh or original. Y’know what I see far, far less? Not just in Kid Flavoured Media, but all sorts? The importance of Brotherly Bonds between actual brothers!! I don’t subscribe to the massively misunderstood message version of ‘Blood is thicker than water’, but a story with the siblings actually pushed and stressed and coming out stronger at the end would have ruled!!

[For what it’s worth, the actual saying is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”, i.e. the bonds you choose to forge are more important than happening to be born to certain people. This correct message is still compatible with literal siblings though!]

The other, somewhat lesser Large Issue with the movie is simply that we don’t see much in the way of Rescues with the titular Thunderbirds. We only get the tail end of the Oil Rig in Act 1, and then the ‘Birds are used predominantly to get to London and save 1 Monorail Car with TB4.

Watsonian Woes & Doylist Dilemma

When looking at Media, there’s 2 main angles to consider; Doylist and Watsonian. Doylist is the “real life / meta” angle, the structure of the story or interests of the author being in the plot, that kinda thing. Watsonian is the reason given within the story.

All stories have Watsonian and Doylist reasonings, the trick is to blend them in and not use a weedy Watsonian reason for something stupid happening.

Why bring this up? Because it’s still part of the Huge Problem I have with the film; the Doylist reason for all of IR being incapacitated so easily is so Alan can shine without fighting for focus in a large group. I don’t like it, but let’s go along with it for now.

Believe it or not, but I can accept that a Movie format isn’t going to be the same as an ongoing series. There’s way less time and you gotta hit certain beats. Ideally you also condense the essence of the show into the film while being more than just a long episode. They didn’t hit this note in my opinion...

But other than ‘It has to happen for he story to work’, there’s no damn reason for all the Non-Alan Tracys to be cooped up in the crippled TB5! They put all their eggs into one basket when a considerably more sensible choice woulda been to have a small crew, and the others remain on base. Because even without factoring in a worst case scenario where another missile hits them while in space, killing them all, which totally could have happened for all they know, there’s also the part about them being International Rescue! They gotta be ready to respond to other disasters should those develop. TB1, 2 and 4 were still available for use!

If I was Jeff making the boneheaded decision, I would have taken a second to think about it and have 1 of the Bros come up in 3 with me. Seeing to John shouldn’t be something 4 people are needed for, it would just get more crowded and the oxygen would be used way faster! Considering they all come close to asphyxiating, 2 less people would mean things weren’t so damn close to the wire! (Granted, the movie also has them falling into Earth’s atmosphere and burning up as a hazard, but the whole crew being there doesn’t affect that.)

Jeff! You’re the patriarch and supposedly most experienced dude in the whole movie! Why didja run into that trap with both eyes open? Stressful situation, sure, but in the Rescue Business you need to be able to listen to the cold, clinical angle. You’re risking more of your sons’ lives making such a rash judgement!!

Character Conundrums

This is the part of the review where I begin to really emphasise the differences between TOS and this movie. I’ll hold off TAG for now in the interest of fairness.

The movie is a mixed bag when it comes to the individuals within it. Some have been refreshing updates to stuffy 60′s tropes, but several draw the short straw, feeling even stiffer than their marionette precursors.

Alan - Hoo, boy. The plot follows Alan.... for the third time if you’re factoring in the Supermarionation movies, which was quite the baffling choice as Puppet!Alan is quite the obnoxious jerk. But whatever, new movie, new canon, new Alan. While the Alan of the 60′s was a bizarrely whiny brat of a character considering he was supposed to at least be in his early 20′s this Alan at least makes more sense to be annoying. But yes, he starts off as a sullen jerk with unclearly defined jealousy towards his own brothers and seemingly a lack of grasping the stakes behind International Rescue, viewing being one of the crew as a Cool Job rather than a gruelling, life-risking ordeal. Over the course of the movie (mostly Act 3) he becomes less of a berk and a better team player, even going as far as to save the Hood personally.

Jeff - One of the stronger characters in the movie, even with this poor choice I’ve gone on about already, haha. You get the real impression the job means the world to him, but still secondary to his sons. An update and improvement to the sometimes stodgy and holier-than-thou character from the 60′s, plus his proactive role makes him way less of a backseat driver.

Lady Penelope - Best character and a splendid update to the 60′s Socialite. This Penny is always a delight to see, although her ability to change clothes offscreen sometimes pushes plausibility, haha. She and Jeff also have very natural and endearing chemistry, so for this iteration at least, I’m up for shipping them, something I can’t say for TOS.

Parker - Remarkably true to the beloved puppet version and another highlight. His interplay with Penelope is some of the best dialogue in the whole movie, and was written by Richard Curtis in an uncredited role, or so I’ve read.

The Hood - A shockingly sadistic and cold blooded so-and-so. His Psychic powers have been given a huge boost, and the depths of his spite generates all the tense scenes the movie has to offer. His performance may be the best in the whole film, simultaneously over the top while also completely deadly.

Tin-Tin - Y’know, Tin-Tin is a funny character, in how she’s very different in all versions. I enjoy her in TOS, but her potential as an engineering assistant, mathematician and member of IR are quickly discarded to make her a secretary, which is further demoted to bringing coffee. Ahh, The Sixties! One of her other defining features was the sometimes bickering sexual tension with Alan. Movie!Tin-Tin is still the implied love interest [and the same age] with him, but she’s also an Action Girl extraordinaire, with abilities bordering on metahuman. She can trek through the jungle without slowing down, she can dive underwater for prolonged sequences, and has a variation of her Evil Uncle’s Psychic capabilities, but used for good. Notably, the Kayo of TAG takes significantly more from this Tin-Tin to the original, sadly sans Telekinesis.

Fermat - The only OC I’m gonna dignify with a section here lol. He’s basically mini-Brains, complete with the way he t-ta-tal- -distinctive speech patterns. But yeah, as the hypersmart and nerdy pal, I feel that his role is pretty superfluous, though his performance in the movie got me to soften up, he’s a good kid. Just one who, like, is part of the deal breaking issue I have with the whole film. In a way I think he’d have made a better lead than Alan lmao

Brains - Not much to say here, he’s also a dude in distress for a majority of his screentime. Seems to be older than his TOS self and a bit less subservient to Jeff, but also a father ....or Fermat is his clone. They never make that clear. He’s hit on by the Hood’s Female Scientist and it’s played for comedy, more on that later.

John - In TOS, his role was infamously minimal, as Gerry Anderson took such a strong disliking to the John puppet and the TB5 model that he exiled both into space with a few token shots per episode. So in comparison, this movie is far kinder to John! He has a nice, genuine chat with Jeff, without any mission to initiate said videocall. The movie is also quite mean to John in how he gets bombed by the Hood, his space station in tatters, his arm hurt and then near suffocation with Jeff and most of his brothers. Ahh, the conundrum of being John.

Scott, Virgil and Gordon - No, they don’t even get their own paragraphs in my review. Their lack of presence and importance in the movie is my giant gripe (have you noticed yet?) and it got to the extent that I feel they could have been combined into one character to save casting money. They get maybe 5 lines each, if that. I literally can’t tell Scott and Virgil apart (I know they have name tags on their uniforms, but in most scenes I couldn’t even read that) other than knowing 1 of them is taller. Which that one is, is a mystery.

The only one with a slightly distinctive appearance and air is Gordon, which is another can of worms because he seems to be the designated Doubtful Jerk Brother and that drives me mad!! In TOS he wasn’t as main a character as Scott, Virgil or Alan, but he was still a defined person with his own abilities. And his personality was as a slightly mouthy but the most lighthearted character! Why didn’t they carry that over?!

And yeah, Scott and Virgil are pretty much the Main Two of the brothers in TOS, so their roles being reduced to 1 token act during the oil rig rescue each [Gordon didn’t even get that!] is all the more mind boggling.

Hood’s Minions - Can’t be assed to write their names out, I refer to them as Heavy Dude and Science Woman. Heavy Dude is the Heavy, and his character consists of Dumb and somewhat Sadistic Muscle. Science Woman is first objectified (we see her ass first. Yes, really.) but then it’s ‘revealed’ that as she has Austin Powers level teeth, she’s uuuuuglyyyyy and her otherwise genuine attraction towards Brains is played for laughs with this angle. And that’s still female on male sexual harassment, which doesn’t fly with me. Eeeesh. Bad writing! She does Science Things for Hood.

The Rest - Kyrano and his wife are in this. Wife is Original but basically Grandma’s role, though she doesn’t even get a single word to say. Rip. Also the Hood has a few more generic mooks from somewhere, but seemingly only for part of the movie. Kyrano didn’t do much in the show except get bullied by the Hood and little has changed.

Tone Trouble

I feel like the movie has a bit of an issue with balancing a consistent Tone. Again, let’s look back at TOS. It was a Family Show, designed to not just appeal to little kids, but to also keep their parent and other adult amused. Maybe some of it was also the result of the times, but striking to me is that they allowed the characters to get pretty hurt, complete with red paint being applied to look like realistic blood. Some of the criminals, including the Hood himself, would be very vicious, how he treats Brains in Desperate Intruder comes to mind. There was even firefights resulting in death, like the memorable climax of Operation Crash-Dive, where Gordon has to shoot a saboteur in the back, into the open sea below the compromised plane. He then proceeds to hold the cut wires together with his bare hands. Don’t try this at home, kids!

So while I can understand some of that being removed from the Movie (and TAG), there’s still the irritating going down to a perceived kid’s level for the majority of the film, which is probably also a large reason for the massive structural change. But then, there’s shockingly dark implications here and there, and the haunting sight of the crew trapped on TB5 floating lifelessly in the dark, asphyxiating. But then, again, we have goofy choreographed fight scenes with juvenile stock cartoon sounds. And then, we have Hood force choking Alan?! It has been mostly consistent until Act 3, then the tone goes up and down more than the flying machines.

Revamped Rockets

I’m mostly talking about the main craft here, though I know the Pod vehicles got modified too, I’m not sufficiently a TOS Pod Buff to go over them.

TB1 - Looks real nice! Maintains and even enhances the sleekness, and the idea of a glass cockpit is much better than having 1 tiny window and a dinky TV screen to see by. Oddly dark inside the cockpit considering how much glass there is, though. Probably my fav of the Movie Fleet.

TB2 - Oof. Looks bad, man. Like, really ugly. What have they done to the glorious design that was the Original Big Green? The unofficial mascot from her importance and unorthodox style? They turned her into a stubby, too glossy, chunky bar of green soap. The thick ass legs are a good idea but it sure ain’t enough. Also, she carries 3 smaller pods insteada 1 big one.

TB3 - Like TB1, pretty much the same design but streamlined a little. Docks with 5 sidewise instead of like pen going into its lid.

TB4 - I’m mixed. I like the idea of giving her a glass canopy and extendable arms, but the movie’s version is so boxy she looks more like a small yellow Greenhouse with the rear half of the old Four, haha. The arms also look a little stiff, can they bend? Now, if there was a sleek, glass hulled, variable armed, demolition charges-loaded Four, that would be my favourite possible version ;3 Four is my fav craft in TOS and TAG, for what it’s worth.

TB5 - I say it’s quite a visual improvement over TOS and the odds and ends jumbled look that had, though I do appreciate a bit of Chunkiness. This one really needs to have better defence too, TOS 5 may’ve been able to tank that missile lmao

FAB1 - I know that she would have been a Rolls Royce in the film, but BMW said no, so that’s not a point against the movie. And failing the classic image, it’s cute that it’s a Ford Thunderbird, though I’d have preferred one with those 50′s/60′s stylish fins personally lol. Her ability to fly is new here unless you count the Dream Sequence in Are Go (’66) and the water mode was also seen in that before this, and she gets the job done, though we don’t get to see as many gadgets and gizmos in the course of the film.

Unlikely Uniforms

I really don’t understand these. Why are they off white with minimal accent colours? What was wrong with the blueness of their suits and the broad stripe of a secondary colour? I sure ain’t saying the 60’s costumes were practical or even that fashionable, but they were very distinctive and striking!

Not only that, but for some strange unexplained reason, their uniforms all correspond not to their own speciality, but to which craft they’re currently piloting. Even if they’re all in the same Bird...! So like, four out of five are wearing identical looking red accented suits while locked in TB5. I already find the elder brothers to be the Similar Squad, and their microscopic name tags don’t help!

Why don’t they wear their own coloured uniforms all the time? Then ya don’t need the name tag at all! And the silly implication from the way there’s apparently a whole set of Craft Specific uniforms is that there’s piles of clothes that ain’t getting used in all of them, like the tiny TB4 probably having 6 whole sets on board at the end of the film.

Between that, no blue and the outfits looking like Generic Sports Wear, the only nice thing to say is the THUNDERBIRDS down the sleeve is a cool touch. Which should really say International Rescue or IR...

Mingled Misc.

Yeah, The conflation of Thunderbirds and International Rescue is a tad irritating but it’s actually something I can overlook. It’s not a dealbreaker and it makes sense the Dumbass Public would misunderstand and call them the wrong thing.

Jeff refuses Alan early access into IR and cites “No shortcuts”. Then at the end he echoes this when he is making Alan an official member, saying he did it with no shortcuts. The whole faffing scenario was a giant shortcut!!! Fuck training and being a suitable age, am I right?!

Amazingly I didn’t cover this already, but when Alan shortcuts his way onto the team he’s made pilot of ... TB4. That’s why he’s in yellow accents in the pic. Gordon is seemingly the main pilot of TB3 instead, but the movie doesn’t deign to make that clear. While I appreciate that the 14 year old with no Astronaut training isn’t put in charge of 3 instantly, I resent the careless removal of characterisation. Obviously movie Gordon never served with WASP or won the gold medal in swimming or had a massive hydrofoil crash to nearly kill him but ggggghgggaaahhhhhhhhh

Also what’s with the implication that Four is the Babby’s First Machine? She’s a highly specialised craft that would require different training to flying or Space shit! How dare you?! The most charitable link is that Alan stood around in 4 as Tin-Tin did most of the work herself, but I guess it coulda as some level of experience.

Ford Sponsorship - Gets a bit much! It’s one thing for all the cars to be Ford, but them seemingly owning the News is like an unpleasant look into a world where corporations run everything.... hahahaahaaaaaa........

Marvellous Music

Something the movie really excells at is the tunes! The remix of the Thunderbirds March is good in it’s own right and very welcome, and the new music is all solid. Special mention to Busted’s outro song for slapping so hard even people who hate the movie leave warm youtube comments about the song. I have a habit of listening to it set to TAG footage myself, haha

Sincere Summation

Look, I’ve come off negative in this, but I honestly have a lot of respect for a lot of the parts of this picture. Hood, Penelope, Parker and Jeff are fantastic, the physical models and sets have a lot of care and loving detail poured in, the music is all bangers and other little nods and homages to the show shine brightly. The director got a lot of good work in and I hold him no ill will.

I think the problem is in the Writing and probably Studio Mandates, I’m not 100% sure, but things often get snaggy when the studio you’re working under gets bought out by a bigger company partway through. Again, I’ll refer to the info I’ve seen instead of trying to relay it in my own words.

And they made a real bad call snubbing Gerry as a Creative Consultant. Some of his venom towards the film may be from that, as well as his alleged preference to Team America: World Police as a theatrical homage. And I’ve seen that before and wouldn’t really say that’s true to the spirit of Thunderbirds, but yeah...

I’d be interested in any future Thunderbirds Movies, if that’s ever on the cards again. I’d probably be even more up for continuation of the TAG series, or newer new Captain Scarlet with International Rescue involved. Either way, I want new footage of the Birds taking off again, be it puppet, people, CGI, or something new~

Extra Reading

https://securityhazard.net/2017/05/19/thunderbirds-2004/ Full movie review, warm reception. Contains photos of set pieces and costumes.

http://groovyfokker.blogspot.com/2013/02/thunderbirds-arent-go-unfilmed-versions.html Insight into some of the past issues developing a Movie, but gets some basic information wrong (Since when is Gordon the youngest and TB3 orange??)

Thanks if ya’ve been reading the whole thing! <3

[tothedarkdarkseas]

What do you think is the REAL difference between Stu and Murdoc? Is it upbringing, age, personality, or cocktail of things?

I’ve gotta tell you, of all the kind asks you sent (and what a nice thing that was of you to do, thank you, they were fun to ponder!) this is the one I’m like… jittery to answer because there’s just so much to be said. Put under a cut because it ended up kinda stupid-long.

I mean, what has to be determined first is– are Murdoc and Stu that different? I tend to think they’re not, not as much as they are alike. That’s actually what I like best about them and something I usually play to when I can, how much they both resemble a certain stereotype but with their own twist. Many of their differences are a little superficial, like Stu being a bit more geezery with his football and all, and Murdoc being less uptight with his hobbies (be it involving cheeky GTA or a gimp mask.) I joked the other day that the biggest difference between the two is just that Murdoc does uppers and Stu does downers, and that’s pretty much it. I do think on a “deeper” level, like a more innate behavioral level, they’re a lot more similar than they actually realize.

But with all that being said, of course they’re not identical, and there’s a lot that contributes to where exactly they differ. I think that everything you said is absolutely relevant to that!

Let’s start with age and upbringing. The age difference between Murdoc and Stu is actually fairly stark when you just look at the years, but it never feels quite that bad to me because Murdoc and Stu are both so emotionally stunted and immature. There’s a line in Bojack Horseman than I think is incredibly on-point here, about how “the age you are when you get famous is the age you stop growing.” I think for Stu, it absolutely damned him to become famous at around 20, it locked him mentally into an age where he should’ve been learning everything wouldn’t be given to him, and instead it was just… given to him. In excess. If you follow that reasoning Murdoc’s sort of odd though, in that he never actually achieved fame on any major scale until he was in his 30′s. It seems more like Murdoc’s exaggerated sense of self-importance (probably a response to knowing, very much knowing, that he was not in fact something towering and impressive at all, and there’s like… something absurdist in really choosing to think he is. That’s almost the ultimate form of his Humor As A Shield– what could be a bigger joke than not hating himself?! Ha! It’s funny because it’s sad!) set in way before he actually became famous. It’s more like his maturity is stalled at the time he started trying to be famous. Stu didn’t actually try to pursue music at all before, while Murdoc spent a decade absolutely convinced that it had to work and doggedly not accepting when it wasn’t. It feels like these two approaches enabled (or damaged) them in different ways, but both end up with the result of men who don’t act their age for many years and have hedonistic, stereotypically rockstarish ways of living far beyond that of their bandmates. Stu can barely claim he knows better though and is perhaps more… people are gonna yell at me for being so hard on him haha, but more spoiled and therefore more ignorant because he never actually lived a responsible adult life. (Does that mean Stu hasn’t had difficulty in that life? Absolutely not. The man has at least three counts of massive head trauma and was in a coma for an undetermined period of time, he has a permanent physical impairment that likely impacts his vision, I think he’s earned a few perks.) Murdoc on the other hand is very aware of what it was like to be a failure, to be conventionally unemployable, and to have so little to lose that he’d make incredibly stupid decisions that could’ve ended his free life. His indulgence now is frankly more extreme, but Murdoc has an even greater sense of believing he earned that and he owes nothing (whether that’s completely true or not.) 

And that’s just touching on the ends of their “upbringing,” not the actual 18+ years that went into it. It goes without saying that Stu and Murdoc had very different home lives– Rachel and David Pot are suggested to be rather precious with Stu out of some probable guilt for his first head trauma, in complete contrast to Sebastian’s humiliation and neglect– but on top of that, what seems to be glossed over at times is how they grew up in very different regions at very different time periods. I’m far from an authority on this or on anything (as always I really suggest asking @elapsed-spiral if you want better information, don’t let the hiatus thing fool you, Danni’ll still talk about British Shit Innit) but I’m told the British school system Murdoc would’ve endured in the 60s and 70s was unremittingly bleak and damaging to a child’s development. Despite his immaturity and my feelings that their age difference isn’t really so pronounced, Murdoc is older than Stu and unfortunately he experienced a much colder and rougher school environment, and it’s tough to argue that didn’t have an effect. (Though on the flipside, Stu was in school during Section 28, a thing I’m also not an authority on. Go figure a working class and very closeted bisexual man in the 80s might internalize some homophobia! The go-go 80s aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.) It’s not exactly surprising that Murdoc, who grew up on the lowest end of working class, in council housing, in an unglamorous Northern town like Stoke with a neo-fascist brother and a neglectfully-abusive alcoholic father, would come away an emotionally repressed and embittered person. It’s almost a bit bold that Murdoc is as “flamboyant” as he is (even if it comes with a hefty side of toxic masculinity)– he could’ve become hateful in a more stony way, but instead he’s like a giddy-cruel showman out of spite. You can argue that Murdoc’s lack of support system results in him feeling much more unfettered. He has no one to thank for getting him out of that and no one he credits for getting him where is. He very much has the mentality of “I take what I can and do what I want, because the world owes me everything.” And in a way, I can see where that’d come from.

He’s wrong though. Because Stu’s there. And Stu owes Murdoc nothing.

I know I’m really running on here, and I think you probably already have a picture of what I see Stu’s upbringing and childhood as. Rachel Pot is the unsung best character in Gorillaz, Stu was quite coddled by his parents, and Stu admits to being largely unmotivated and rudderless. It’s notable that Stu is in fact also working class but he’s presented like he’s not, I think just as a result of looking a lot better in comparison to Murdoc and us Americans not fully knowing the details of the British class system as compared to ours. (I don’t want to condescend to you anon, you may be British and know all this a lot better than I do. But because I am American, what would be more American than assuming everyone’s American?) I would say Stu’s family places on the higher end of that though (again, council housing for Murdoc, Stu had a garden with what must’ve been a decently big tree for him to fall out of) and isn’t portrayed as struggling in the same way. His job at Norm’s seems more like something he does because he’s not allowed to sit in the house all day, and he likes messing with the keyboards and he likes having spending money because he’s too old for allowance, and girls he’s fooled around with occasionally pop in to his work and bring him a pastry from the Tesco Express she works at and they make out in her car. Stu comes away from Crawley with quite a few “tethers” that disallow him from feeling as “loose” as Murdoc– he has a good relationship with his parents, a handful of mates, probably a handful of girls he wasn’t on bad terms with, at least one who’d end up becoming his girlfriend. So why does he have some of the same “cruel showman” qualities as Murdoc? Why does his entitlement end up looking much the same? That’s all personal interpretation of course, but I’d say it’s because Murdoc drove a car into his face and stole an unspecified amount of time from his life. I’d say because he’s out of his parent’s house for the first time in his life, and he’s going full throttle into being this person now. I’d say that in one night, and many unconscious nights following it, Murdoc smashed that same embittered attitude into the front of Stu’s skull. To be clear, that isn’t writing off Stu’s faults on Murdoc; it isn’t to say Murdoc made him egotistical or promiscuous or immature. But the attitude that you are fucking owed something is really only an attitude they share because Murdoc gave Stu someone to spite where he didn’t have that before.

(I recognize this whole dynamic isn’t for everyone and I do get it, and for what it’s worth I think it’s totally correct to say Murdoc gave Stu all the best things in his life. He just also gave him the worst bits too. The reality is neither would be here without each other, for all the good and bad that implies. It’s true that Stu’s famous because of Murdoc, but it’s also true that Murdoc’s famous because of Stu. What a tangled web!)

I’m sorry, I’m so off the question now, I just love this stuff. So, personality! That’s unquestionably a factor, the answer to the nature vs nurture debate will always be a little bit of both. I think if you tallied up all of Stu and Murdoc’s traits, desires, and behaviors after they’ve been living together a few years, you’d find a longer list in the similarities column than the differences. The environmental influence doesn’t just stop at where you’re raised, I think the environment you live in and the people who inhabit it continue to have an impact on you pretty much throughout life; even if moving to a richer city doesn’t “change” you, it changes the way you look at things, understand things, respond to things. It just inherently does. Still, I recognize that’s my own characterization of them and if you just look at the characters in canon, you’d be hard pressed to say they seem like the same guy. There are things about them that are just innately different, some of it learned through their upbringing and some of it dictated by… the way they’re wired.

Which is a point I’m really hesitant to comment on too much, but– mental health. It probably doesn’t look the same between Stu and Murdoc. There are other blogs who will discuss in more depth their neurodivergent headcanons and I see nothing wrong with that, I don’t really think there is any case that can’t be made, but I’m not especially confident making those cases myself. What I’ll say is that I don’t necessarily read Stu as having any specific learning disorder, because I fear it’s a little… iffy to have so many jokes in canon about him being thick or being slow. I think it really is just that, even prior to the injuries I reckon Stu was “a bit thick.” Head trauma doesn’t help that, though. Lifelong migraines and impaired motor function came about from the brain damage, absolutely, and I do imagine he must’ve suffered some neural response slowing, but his “lower intelligence” I feel a little less comfortable casually ascribing to anything and more to just Stu being Stu. Murdoc is also a case to be careful with, but within phase 3 it seems fair to say Murdoc suffers a psychotic break and is dealing with some delusions. Dangerously, I kind of lean into thinking this isn’t something that “just happened” because of the events of El Mañana and Plastic Beach, and that Murdoc had perhaps needed to be on an anti-psychotic like lithium well before that point. Again, I don’t want to insensitively represent this so I try not to really put such a fine point on things, but… I’m a little inclined to think Murdoc went undiagnosed in his young life and still may be demonstrating some effects of that. So, y’know, make what you will of it, but there’s that.

Sorry I nattered on about this, I do really enjoy examining both characters. Jokes about the drugs and stuff aside, I’ve always felt that the biggest difference between Murdoc and Stu is that Murdoc is adaptable, and Stu is malleable. Where that stems from is probably a combination of all these things. Murdoc knows what he wants and has no loyalties, he’s been without a future, he does what he can to succeed because he’s already done what he can to survive; Stu doesn’t know what he wants and he does have “loyalties,” but he has no sense of purpose, and he’s easily nudged in the direction you need him to go. While he can be stubborn, just like Murdoc, he’s also more sincerely shaped by his experiences even later in life into multiple, sometimes disparate versions of himself– I might even wager that’s why Stu becomes such a contradictory character without any of the contradictions feeling inauthentic. The two of them “being what they need to be” is part of the reason they accomplished as much as they did. But it’s also hard to say that they really “held on” to each other through the years, or if they just melded together in parts.

[velvet-helvetica]

On Blue

Ah, Blue. So Blue gets to be Piper’s romantic foil. She’s gotta be the perfect woman for Piper (because let’s face it, Piper deserves it), while having enough going on underneath to make things interesting.

I’ve personally enjoyed fanfics that don’t put a ton of specific descriptions into the player character. It helps with my own self-immersion, and I’m sure that’s true for others.

In my fanfic Good Blue Hunting, I purposely didn’t reveal much about Blue’s backstory until Chapter 22 & 23 (and very subtly hinted at in Chapter 6). But Blue has a specific backstory in my fic for three reasons. 

Reason one, I felt that the Blue that Piper encounters should be a product of her time (that is, pre-War society that’s an amalgamation of a futuristic 1950s). And let’s face it, the real-life 1950s was full of repression and the -isms that we’re still struggling with today. 

To that end, reason two is that I wanted Blue’s biography to reveal the complications, inequality, and oppression happening in the background of pre-War society. Blue is an intersectional character whose experiences with prejudice shapes her worldview.

Reason three is that I want to play up the contrasts between Nora and Nate. In the game, Nate’s background is set as a multi-generational American Army vet whose great great grandfather fought in World War II. And opposites attract, so why not make Nora the “opposite” of that?

Here’s the Blue I’ve sketched out, and the rationale for it:

Blue/Nora’s destiny is to become a paragon/paragade Legend of the Wasteland. (Let’s face it, if she were a renegade Legend, she and Piper wouldn’t be dating.) Her pre-War experiences inform her choices for the world she wants to shape post-War.

Blue/Nora is a person of color, either a 1.5 generation or 2nd generation American born to immigrant parents.

In this fic, Blue’s family are implied to be South Asian. Her parents emigrated from an unspecified nation that later allied with China during the Sino-American War. My thinking was that China would have created alliances with other countries in Asia. Blue doesn’t have to be South Asian, to be honest—Otherness isn’t restricted to Asia by any means. 

(As an aside, I didn’t make her Chinese because in the Fallout-verse, Chinese people get the brunt of racial discrimination due to the Sino-American War. If she were Chinese, then I’d feel obligated to get into the weeds of the racial implications. And I really can get deep into the weeds! Can we say 1882 Chinese Exclusion Act?)

But I digress. The bottom line is that in this fic, Blue’s not white. Moving on...

Blue experienced or witnessed racism growing up, which in the Fallout-verse takes the form of being accused of being a Communist or a sympathizer. This affected her worldview regarding the -isms and inequality.

Blue’s family’s status as relative newcomers contrasts with Nate, whose family has been in America for multiple generations, as stated by his great grandfather serving in World War II.

Another headcanon to further contrast her with Nate is that Blue is firmly a civilian who never served in the military. It’s absolutely plausible that Nora could have also served or even worked as a JAG, but for the sake of this fic, I just made her a straight-up civilian.

I take it at face value that Nate and Nora were a happily married couple who were genuinely in love and got along well. They may have had their ups and downs, but overall they had a good relationship that was tragically cut short. Nate was away a lot because he was in the Army. 

Blue and Nate had an honest conversation about dating/remarrying if something happened to one of them. Nate brought up the very real possibility that he could be killed in action (although he wouldn’t have accounted for being murdered, obviously). This helps assuage some of Blue’s guilt about moving on, even if she remains in love with Nate.

I arbitrarily figured that Nate and Nora were married for 12 years. Doing the math based on a 12-year marriage, and assuming she married after college, Blue’s in her mid-thirties. She had to wait till Nate retired from the Army to have a baby. Assuming Piper is in her mid-20s (see my On Piper post) Blue really is the older woman in F!SS/Piper ship, even if you subtract her 210 year cryo sleep.

I picked “public defender” as Blue’s chosen career direction as a lawyer. This seems like a plausible career for a paragon Vault Dweller committed to social justice. I may have considered making her a corporate lawyer or tax attorney, but nah, boring. (TBH I don’t know much about what it’s like to be a lawyer, so while I’m doing my homework as much as I can, I’m also handwaving a bit at all the lawyerly details 😬.)

It’s a given in F!SS/Piper scenario that Blue is either bi or lesbian (although if Blue romances everyone else in the game, then pan too?). I’ll state anyway: for the purpose of my fic that Blue’s a closeted bi, which plays into growing up in a repressed pre-War society. Blue’s aware of herself enough to recognize early that she’s attracted to Piper.

Blue’s personality is very internal/introverted. She’s still charming (as she is in-game) and very emotional and expressive when she needs to be. Otherwise her default is to be super low-key about everything. In-game, Blue’s personality reads to me as introverted because of the limitations of the dialogue system. The PC just couldn’t say very much.

Blue’s introversion can then play into Piper’s extroversion. Piper has to guess what Blue’s thinking, and hilarity ensues. Blue can help sort through Piper’s noisy thoughts, while Piper has opportunities to get Blue to open up and to draw her out of her own head.

My goal is to make this fic a romantic comedy, with some angst sprinkled in. To that end, Blue has a weird sense of humor. Nate probably had a weird and morbid sense of humor too. So Blue feels ok about making jokes at his expense even though he’s dead. 

In that vein, Nate and Piper probably share some similar personality traits that Blue finds attractive. Not saying that they’re the exact same person, ‘cause that’d be weird.

I think that covers the basics about Blue. Blue’s biography is very low-key so as not to distract from the fun stuff. But having these things running in the background helps inform me about whatever thoughts and decisions Blue is making.