#i treated them horribly and i regret it everyday

[iminthebathroom]

she has autism you bitch.

[gojotojis]

Butterfly pt.2

part one

this story will contain mentions of sexual assault, part one contains sexual assault please do not read if this will trigger you.

summary: gojo helps you heal from a traumatic sexual experience by showing you what consensual sex is like and just how good it can make you feel.

pairing: gojo satoru x fem reader

content MDNI: sexual assault mention, consensual sex, vaginal sex, oral (f receiving), praise kink, squirting, fingering, friends to loversish, healing, trauma, soft gojo, girl obsessed gojo, yearning, angst, protected sex

I am in no way romanticizing or gloryfing sexual assault, this is how I’m choosing to cope with my trauma. Any and all hate will be blcoked.

November

Gojo immediately regrets asking, he goes to wipe your tears but stops himself. The atmosphere has shifted, and he doesn’t know what to do or say. You have this strong urge to hug him and hope he hugs back, making you feel safe but that voice reminds you how horrid men can be.

“No,” you answer his question and you feel like heaving up the little bits of pizza you ate. You feel dirty and disgusting, wanting to crawl out of your own skin.

Before you can think, you’re climbing into his lap. You wrap your arms around him and rest your head against his chest, he’s stiff, completely taken by surprise as your inner conscience screams at you to get off him, to not let him touch you.

You should tense when his fingers trail up your spine, rubbing gently as his other hand holds the back of your head. It feels nice, to be held and treated so softly.

“You can talk to me, you can trust me,” he says, the urge to tell someone the truth I so strong but you’re scared he’ll think of you as disgusting or blame you for what happened.

His fingers thread through your hair until he’s massaging your scalp, and you sigh at the feeling. You’ve been craving physical touch for so long but it’s terrified you until now, until him.

You slowly look up at him, eyes locking with his through his glasses. You’re not sure if it’s depravation or desperation that makes you kiss his lips but you do.

Rejection hits you when he pulls you off of him, gently setting you beside him.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out, looking at your lap. The only friendship you have, potentially ruined.

“It’s okay, I should probably go,” he says and you nod, following him to the door.

You cry yourself to sleep that night.

End of November

It’s been almost four weeks, since you’ve heard from him. He doesn’t text you, he doesn’t ask for a stupid little song even though you’ve made a list of them for everyday he’s missed.

You feel horribly sad, eyes lingering on the bottle of vodka sitting in front of you.

It also been four weeks since you’ve had a drink or touched drugs. A toxic cycle you’re trying to break, you’re not addicted to it. You like the numbness it brings, like an outlet or a cure to some sick disease festering inside of you.

Salem meows, making you look away. You crouch down and lift him up into your arms. He nuzzles against you, as you lay down on the couch.

You feel sick, utterly sick at how you managed to ruin the one good thing in your life. Why would he want to kiss you, someone so tainted and broken, someone so hideous.

The urge to break your lease and move away seems like the only reasonable option, even though deep down you know it’s insane.

How could you be so stupid? Why do you have to ruin everything?

Beginning of December Gojos Birthday.

The cold air nips at your skin, but you enjoy the walk home from work. Her Way by PartyNextDoor fills your ears, AirPods hidden under your black earmuffs.

You hiss as your ungloved hand reaches the freezing metal handle of the door to your building. You yank it open and rush inside, shivering.

Mrs. Tomioka stands by the mailboxes and smiles at you. You pause your music as her lips part.

“Oh dear, you need to layer up more,” she says staring at you dressed in nothing but leggings, a hoodie and fur boots. You simply nod, turning to walk away.

“How’s the cat?” she asks and your brows furrow.

“What?” You ask, she lives two floors above you and you’ve never mentioned Salem to her.

“The one your neighbor bought off me?” She asks.

“Gojo?”you ask and she nods.

“The little black cat he insisted I give to him. Someone had already bought him so he doubled it,” she says and your heart feels strange in your chest.

“You must have the wrong person, he said he found the kitten” you say and she shakes her head.

“No honey, it was him. The one with the blindfold, he said there was a girl in desperate need of a friend,” she says and you feel dizzy. You walk away from her, climbing up the stairs trying to process her words.

You find yourself walking to his door, hands gently knocking.

You feel a sense of euphoria when the door opens only it’s not Gojo. The woman you always see with him opens the door and stares at you. Your expression turns solem as she looks at you curiously.

“Is Gojo here?” You ask and she nods.

“He’s in the shower,” she says, your eyes catch the balloons with Happy Birthday written across them.

“It’s his birthday?” You ask and she nods.

“Thank you,” you say, walking toward your door and she closes his.

You pull out your phone and text him ‘Happy Birthday!’.

He doesn’t respond.

Mid December

The rooms dark as you curl into a ball, Salem nestled against your chest. Your anxiety’s so bad, you just want it to go away. Salems purring as your fingers run along his spine, grounding you. He’s the only thing keeping you afloat.

A light knock at your door has you blinking, you want to yell at them to go away but you’re drained of all energy.

The knocking continues, making Salem jump down from the bed. Annoyance fills you as you follow the kitten toward the front door, lifting him into your arms.

You don’t bother checking the peephole as you open it, so many feelings hit you as you stare at the man in front of you. Sadness, anger, confusion, yearning, it all hits you.

“Hi,” he says and your eyes sting. Salem fights to jump into his arms, so enthralled by the tall man.

You close the door and he doesn’t stop you.

“I just want to talk,” he says through the door as you set the cat down.

“I can explain,” he says but you don’t want to hear it. He’s like every man, they make you feel good until they don’t anymore.

He had promised not to hurt you and he lied, the organ beating in your chest hurts so badly because of him.

“Please go,” you whisper weakly, accepting that it’s over and he does.

December 22nd

Four messages hit your phone, Happy Birthday texts from your siblings, mom and grandma. You simply thank them with a heart emoji. You despise your birthday, another reminder of everything you’ve failed to accomplish in the previous year and how alone you are.

A knock at the door has you sighing, expecting the hideous daisies your grandma always sends you. You’re grateful and don’t have the heart to tell her how much you hate them.

The door swings open and you audibly gasp. Gojo stands there with his blindfold off and piercing blue irises stare into the depths of your soul. He’s beautiful, more so than you had conjured in your head.

“X & Y” he says and your head tilts, brows furrowing.

“What?” You ask.

“X & Y by Coldplay, that’s our song” he says, your chest tightens, you’ve heard it a million times.

I dive in at the deep end

You become my best friend

I want to love you but I don't know if I can

I know something is broken

And I'm trying to fix it

Trying to repair it

Any way I can

“It’s just a song,” you say and he shakes his head.

“Nothings just a song to you, it’s everything, it’s us” he says absolutely serious, blue eyes pinning yours.

“You kissed me and I couldn’t think, you’ve slowly become my bestfriend and that scared me. I had a bestfriend once, and he died… I thought I’d be sparing you from the horror that is my life because I don’t want to lose another friend, not you. But I saw you, hidden behind the music, spiraling and so scared. I saw you and never in my life have I wanted anything more,” he says, you stand there frozen trying to make sense of his words.

“You ignored me, made me feel unwanted, ashamed and so sad,”you whisper, eyes watering. His hand reaches out to caress your cheek against his palm.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’ve never done this. And I know you’re too good for me, a better person than I’ll ever deserve but I’m just a guy desperately wanting a girl, the girl, to talk to him again” he says . His words are so foreign to your ears, so full of adoration, need and genuinuity.

“You missed the songs,” you say as he steps closer.

“I’m sorry” he breathes looking down at you.

“You didn’t answer my texts” you whisper, as he enters the apartment.

“Hardest thing I ever did”.

“You lied to me about Salem,” you say and he shuts the door, your hearts beating so fast, too fast that you fear it’ll give out.

“You needed him,” he whispers, hands cupping your face and he kisses you.

This kiss sends shocks throughout your body, from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. The hairs on your arms stand up and your pupils dilate. His tongue prods against your lips and you open them, feeling his mouth hungrily lap at yours.

Your nails dig into the muscles of his arms, nipples hardening and core aching. Nothing but your mingled breaths, fill the apartment.

His hands slide down to your ass and you tense. You still against him and he stops, his forehead pressed against yours. His hands pin to your waist.

“I won’t hurt you, not ever,” he says and you nod, tears sliding down your cheeks. You want this to be real, to believe him.

“Pick a word. Any word, you use it and this all stops,” he says.

“Butterfly” you whisper, standing on the tips of your toes to kiss him. It’s sweet and gentle, this is Gojo, he won’t hurt you.

He pulls you down to the couch with him, straddling his waist. Nerves prickle at you, his fingers skimming the naked skin of your arms. You can feel the bulge underneath you and your eyes close.

“You’re safe,” he whispers in your ear, pressing a kiss to your temple.

“I’ll never let anything bad happen to you,” he says, lips brushing your cheek. The safety net he’s created around you, creates warmth in your belly.

His lips brush against your neck, soft wet kisses trailing along the smooth column. You moan as he sucks at the skin, fingers gripping the wrist that hold your waist.

“Do you want me touch you?” he asks and you nod against him, you haven’t felt this kind of desire in your life, it outweighs your fear. You trust him.

“Show me where”he says and you redden, unsure of what he means. Your hand grabs his and he looks at you.

“Here” you say shyly, pressing his hand against your core. His hand moves against you, palm digging into your cloth covered pussy but the pressure feels so good. You bite your lip, face scrunching and it makes him painfully harder. He stops and you worry, but he fingers graze the waist band of your shorts.

“Is it okay if we take these off?” He asks and you nod, slowly standing up so he can slide them down you. You look down, nervous. The words fat, ugly, slut and whore resonate and your chest constricts. He kneels down infront of you, fingers grazing the hem of your tank top. He lifts it off and tosses it, leaving you in nothing but your panties. You fight the urge to cover yourself and hide.

“So beautiful,” he whispers looking up at you, and you sigh when his lips meet your belly. He peppers the flesh with kisses, every touch going to your core.

He gently moves you so you can sit back on the couch. Your chest heaves watching him kneeling before you. His fingers grip the edge of your panties, and you watch him slide them down. Your legs close and his large hands press against your thighs.

“Do you trust me?” He asks and you nod.

His eyes don’t leave yours as his hands pry you open. He looks at your pussy with lust and awe, fingers grazing through your folds and you buck against them.

His thumb grazes your clit and you cry, eyes locked on his.

“I’m gonna make you feel good, okay?” He asks and you nod, watching his thumb circle your clit and feel a long and thick finger, push inside of you. Your hands clutch at the couch cushions, desperate to claw at the flesh of his arms.

“Relax, gonna stretch you out” he whispers and you nod, trying your best to calm down despite the sensation inside of you. Your face morphs into discomfort when he adds a second finger, his movements slow down to let you adjust.

He leans down and presses a kiss to your clit for distraction and your eyes widen. Your fingers slide through his scalp and tug at the white silky strands when his tongue pokes your clit.

The feeling of his fingers become pleasurable and you grind against them, gasping when you feel his wet tongue drag across your pussy. It’s too much, you feel like you’re going to die.

His tongue flicks across your clit over and over until his mouth devours your pussy entirely, sucking it and lapping the juices that leak from you. You flush red as you grind against his face, chasing the end of what the knot in your stomach promises.

He groans against you and it vibrates your pussy making you cry out as you cum, his fingers speeding up their pace as he drags out your orgasm. Your legs shaking as your thighs try to close. He lazily licks at you, sending little aftershocks through you.

When he’s done, he presses several kisses to your cunt and then your inner thighs, to your belly and the valley between your breast until he’s kissing your lips. Everything about this is so erotic, you feel so high off of your release and how good he makes you feel.

He pulls back and his forehead presses against yours.

“Did you like it?” He asks and you nod, watching him grab your clothes. He chuckles as he slides your panties up and then your shorts. You raise your arms and he slides the tank top over you.

“Happy birthday” he whispers against your lips. You have no idea how he knows but you don’t care.

“Thank you,” you smile up at him.

“I have your gifts in my apartment,” he says making you feel tingly inside.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, “ you say, you feel horrible you didn’t get to see him on his birthday or even talk to him but that was his fault.

“I’ll be right back,” he says and walks out the front door. You rush to your room, and reach for the stupid thing you had made him. You feel doubt, he may hate it but it comes from your heart.

You sigh, looking at Salem curled into a ball on your bed and grab the cd. You close the door and see Gojo with several packages… you deflate. You’re actually the worst gift giver in the world.

“I know we didn’t get to see eachother for your birthday but I made you this which seems quite lame now. I know everything’s digital but I wanted you to have something physical,” you say handing him the blue wrapped gift.

He opens it and you swallow, as he stares at the cover. He laughs at the picture of Pearl with her pitchfork and turns it over to see the songs listed. His finger stills on track number seven.

“X & Y” he reads aloud and you nod.

“I told you we share the same brain” he says before kissing you, his arms circling your waist and lifting you off the ground. You smile against him.

You’re not use to this kind of affection, it feels overwhelming. It makes you want to just burst at the seams.

“I love it,” he says putting you down.

“Your turn,” he says gesturing toward the bigger box on the coffee table. You nervously touch the pink wrapping paper and rip it. You swallow roughly, staring at the white audio technica record player. You reach for the thinly stacked pile of gifts and open them revealing record after record of your favorite albums. Your throat feels raw, tears pricking your eyes and you look up at him.

Your arms wrap around him and squeeze him like if you let go he’ll be gone. Tears soak his shirt as his arms hug back, his lips press against the top of your head.

“Seemed like something you’d like” he said and you nodded. You wanted to collect vinyls but it’s such an expensive hobby, so you held off.

“Thank you, for everything”.

Beginning of January

Gojo: song ?

You: Coming Down, The Weeknd

Gojo: you’re freaky

You blush at the text.

You: aren’t you suppose to be working?

Gojo: I’d rather talk to you, let me see you

You hesitantly open your camera app, trying not to let the insecurities get to you as you snap a picture of you smiling and send it.

Gojo: so fucking pretty

Your insides stir at the compliment, you love the way he makes you feel. Fear tries to crawl its way up at the thought of this being taken away. It’s like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop because how could someone so beautiful be into you?

Mid January

Gojo wants to take you on a date but he’s aware of your anxiety, the way you hide behind your music when in public to avoid social interactions.

You love it just being the two of you, no expectations no pressure, just the two of you in this little bubble.

“Gojo?” You ask watching him eat his General tso on the couch and you eat your bourbon chicken across from him.

“What was your bestfriends name?” You ask and he stills. You hope you’re not crossing a line but you want to know everything about him, the good and the bad.

“Suguru Geto,” he says, his voice cracks and you look down at your lap.

“How’d he die?…” you ask, the room is silent as he thinks of what to say.

“Car accident” he lies to you, one day he’ll tell you the truth but he doesn’t want you to look at him differently, not now and not ever.

“I’m sorry, if you ever want to talk about it I’m here,” you say with sincerity, hand reaching to touch his. His fingers lace with yours and he stares at you, blue orbs in awe.

“Can I ask you something?” He asks and you nod, dreading what it is.

“What happened to you?”he asks, your fingers tremble as you look down at your lap. Your lips move and you speak, your ears block out every word, every detail that leaves you as tears roll down your cheeks. You avoid his reaction, you can’t bare for him to look at you differently.

When it’s done, your chest hurts like it’s being crushed.

You feel yourself being lifted, his hands gripping the back of your thighs as they wrap around his waist. Your arms fall over his shoulders and your head in the crook of his neck. You don’t realize you’re shaking against him as he presses kisses to your face.

“You’re safe now,” he whispers, trying to not think of you so scared and vulnerable. How someone could hurt you and be so cruel to you.

He carries you to his room and you fall asleep against his chest, his fingers grazing your back as he promises nothing bad will ever happen to you again.

Beginning of February

Your fingers grip the recliner, absolutely scared. You’ve never felt this scared from a movie but god it’s fucking brutal and you love it.

Gojo laughs as you jump from the chair in shock, he’s never seen you this animated.

“Christ…” you breathe watching the possessed girl stab her brother.

“It’s just a movie, baby” Gojo whispers, grateful he rented the movie theatre out. Even though he loves your reactions, popcorn would’ve been thrown at you by now.

“My stomach hurts” you whine.

“That’s anxiety,” he chuckles squeezing your hand. The jump scares are too much and you bury your face in his side. Your hands covers your face, eyes peeking through your fingers. You’re definitely sleeping at his place tonight, there’s no way you’re gonna be home alone after this.

Once the movies over, your hand grips his for dear life trying to process what the fuck you just watched.

“I assume you didn’t like it” he says.

“I loved it!” You answer, surprising him. Evil dead rise now easily one of the best horror movies you’ve seen in a long time.

He laughs as he holds your joined hands up to his lips. You both walk through the mall, stopping when Gojo sighs and you spot three teenagers staring at you with wide eyes and dropped jaws.

“Sensei!” A pink haired boy shouts running up to you.

“You have a girlfriend?” The spiky haired boy with him asks, looking to Gojo.

“She’s too pretty to be his girlfriend” the girl shakes her head.

“What are you three doing here?” He asks them.

“Following you,” the pink haired boy says like it’s the most normal answer.

“Yuji said you’ve been acting weird, so we decided to see for ourselves. Hi, I’m Nobara Kugisaki!” The girl says holding her hand out to you and you shake it.

“That’s Yuji, and that’s Megumi,” she says pointing to the boys beside her. Yuji smiles but Megumi simply looks bored. You instantly recognize them as Gojo’s students he had told you about.

“We were going to eat, did you want to join us?” You ask.

“No!” Gojo says.

“Yes!” Nobara and Yuji beam.

The five of you fall in step to the little pizza place inside the mall. Yuji and Nobara ask you a million questions while Gojo scowls beside Megumi.

You all find a table and order a half and half cheese and pepperoni pizza and then a Hawaiian pizza.

“He got you a cat?!” Nobara asks and you nod, pulling your phone out to show her pictures of Salem. She gushes, and smiles at Gojo.

“I wish someone would get me a cat?” She sighs taking a bite of her cheese pizza.

“The last thing you need is a cat” Gojo says and Megumis lips tug upward.

“How long have you guys been dating?” Yuji asks and your cheeks redden.

“Is this an interrogation?” Gojo asks and you chuckle, he seems annoyed by them but you can tell he loves them.

Gojo’s grateful when it’s over and you two are in his apartment after grabbing Salem from yours. Salem runs rampant around Gojo’s place.

“I love them” you say referring to his students and he smiles, pecking your lips.

“They’re a handful but they’re good kids, really good kids”.

March

You tense into Gojo’s side, his fingers gently grazing up and down your arm. It’s innocent but you feel it all around you. He hasn’t initiated anything since your birthday and you kind of wish he would.

The idea of sex doesn’t seem so scary since he made it enjoyable for you. He stares at the movie on the screen as you think about his head between your legs, his tongue licking at you. Your fingers dig into your thigh, and it’s like you can feel his fingers inside of you. A fire starts in your belly and you look up at him, he can feel your eyes on him and his brows furrow.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Can you touch me?” you ask.

“I am,” he says, fingers tapping against your arm and you turn red.

“Down there” you whisper and feel him pull away from you. You fear you’ve ruined this routine you’ve fallen into but feel him lifting you up. You laugh as he tosses you over his shoulder and walks you to his room.

Your hearts in your ears, unsure of what will happen but you need to feel his skin against yours.

He sets you on the bed and you stare up at him with eager eyes.

“Safe word?” He asks.

“Butterfly” you say.

“Good girl” he says, pressing a kiss to your lips.

“I’m gonna undress you now” he says and you nod, standing up so he can take your clothes off. The rooms dark but the moonlight gives enough lighting for him to see your body. His hands glide up your sides, squeezing your hips.

Your fingers reach for the hem of his shirt, tugging on it to let him know you want it off. You desperately want to see him. He smiles and lifts it up and over his head. Your stomach clenches at the sight of his muscled body and abs but the trail of white hair leading down into his pants makes your toes curl into the carpet.

“Can I touch you?” You ask and his hand grabs yours, pressing it against his stomach. Your fingers burn under the heat of his skin, sliding over the toned ridges of his body. He’s so warm you want to feel him against you.

“You’re so pretty”you tell him and he kisses you, his tongue finding home in your mouth, devouring you entirely. You moan against him, feel his fingers touch your clit. He bites your lips, rubbing against the bud and your face scrunches. A gasp escapes you when you feel his finger enter you, gently pushing you down onto the bed.

His finger fucks into you at a gentle yet deep pace, he wants you to enjoy this despite how badly he wants to fuck you into the mattress. His thumb works circles into your clit and your hips push forward, taking him deeper in you.

He adds a second finger and you cry, his pace slightly increasing but the fullness has you gripping the comforter as you writhe against him.

“Cum baby, you can do it” he encourages and you do when his fingers push against this one spot that has your eyes rolling back. You twitch against him he withdraws his fingers, your nipples become painfully hard as he takes them in his mouth.

“The sweetest girl” he says licking at them. He grabs your clothes and you stop him, kneeling up on the bed.

“I want more” you say nervously.

“Are you sure?” He asks and you nod, your trembling fingers reach for his belt, eyes locked on his as you undo it. Your fingers drag his zipper down and stop, anxiety crawls up. You feel like you’re going to throw up, he sees it and presses his forehead against yours.

“It’s me and you, you control this. One word and it stops, I won’t do anything you don’t want to” he says and you nod, kissing his cheek.

“Can you do it?” You ask and he nods, pushing you back down. You stare at the ceiling, listening to him undress and your throat bobs.

It’s Gojo, he would never hurt you.

He grabs a condom from the bed side drawer and tears it open with his teeth. You don’t look down, scared you’ll want this to stop. He rolls the condom on and spreads your legs open. Your heart is beating inhumanly fast.

“Let me take care of you” he says before pressing kisses to your inner thighs, easing the tension out of you. You whimper when you feel him kiss your clit before he crawls on top of you.

“Ready?” He asks and you nod, feeling the head of his cock nudge at your opening. He feels too big as he tries to ease inside, and he see the panic in your eyes. He kisses your cheeks, hesitant to continue but you nod letting him know it’s okay. You want this, you want him.

The stretch is painful as he inches further inside of you, tears fall from your eyes and he feels so much guilt pressing kisses to every tear until he’s bottoming out inside of you.

You feel so full, but he doesn’t move, letting you adjust. His thumb circles your clit and you moan, squeezing around him. He groans at the feel of you choking the life out of his dick.

He hasn’t had sex in three years, something you don’t know and he doesn’t want to fuck this up by cumming before you do.

“You’re squeezing the life out of me baby, gotta relax” he says.

“I’m sorry” you squeak and he kisses you.

“It feels really good, but I gotta take care of you first” he assures you and you nod. Your mouth opens when he pulls out and slowly thrusts back in, he hits something deep inside of you and you tremble slightly.

He continues this slow thrusting, feeling your nails drag across his back. Milky white skin turning red.

He’s trying his best not to lose control but his thrusts become faster and you cry, feeling his hand press down on your stomach. He grunts with every thrust, sending heat to your pussy as you grip him like a vice.

“You’re doing so good baby,” he says knocking into your cervix and you both moan as his body crushes against yours, arms wrapping around you. He fucks into you over and over feeling you shake around him. You feel this strange sensation, like something is begging to release from you. He knocks into your cervix again and you sob, feeling yourself cum around him, liquid gushing out of you and you feel mortified.

“I’m sorry” you say as he stills inside of you, your thighs now wet.

“You squirted baby, it’s okay. Can you do it again?” He asks, you’re not sure but you nod and he moves inside of you, thrust harder and faster as he ruts into you, he grabs your hand and places it over your belly underneath his.

You feel the bulge he’s making inside of you, feel his cock moving inside of you under your skin and it sends you over the edge, cumming like your life depends on it and he grunts, fucking into you until he’s cumming too. He pulls out and rolls you over to lay on top of him.

“Are you okay?” He asks and you smile up at him.

“I think I love you” you say and he laughs.

“I know I love you,” he says back.

“You do?” You ask and he nods.

“I knew it the moment you saw Salem in my arms, like for the first time, there was something worth caring about,” he says, your fingers tracing circles into his chest.

“I think you’re healing me” you say.

“I think we’re healing eachother” he says pressing his lips to your temple.

“All I want is you. I want this everyday, forever, you, me and salem” he says, and you smile. You press a kiss to his sternum.

“You, me and Salem”.

I’ll do grammar check later, I was trying to get this out asap! thanks for reading! Also I didn’t mention it but it’s canon that gojo lied about needing eggs, milk and sugar just as an excuse to talk to her!

@kakashixhatakesxwhore @erensblackwife

[corrupted-and-devoted]

Truth serum, hm..?

Tell me, how do you truly see yourself..? Do you have... regrets...? Inner hatred...? Maybe a life you never got to live...?

I can't imagine your job is completely free of guilt...

@goodnightsleepyhead

I...

I hate that my life went the way it did... I'm jealous of the other Michaels that didn't have a bad life, that didn't end up as complete fuck ups, I'm jealous of their ability to live a normal life and be true to themselves, they don't have to mask, they don't have to constantly pretend like i do!

[Gabriel is fidgetting with his jacket]

I'll probably get in trouble for this, but this job... I'm always not sure how I feel about it... I don't have a problem with so many things, I can kill, shit I even cannibalized people on multiple occassions, but I feel like I'm losing myself sometimes...

[It tugged on one of their horns]

And with the Lords... I love them, I truly love them, but I feel like I would never be treated more than a servant or glorified pet, I just wish they would see me as more... but maybe I'm just entitled, I already get much better treatment than others in my position... which I feel makes them hate me, like Theodore does...

[He looked away]

It all just hurts so much... everyday I feel less human, everyday I feel less deserving of any type of love...

It's a horrible feeling...

[simplepotatofarmer]

Hi! Sorry if this is a bit deep and ramble-y but it’s just something that’s been on my mind. Have you ever doubted defending dream?

Sometimes I feel like I’m wrong for feeling bad for him. I feel like I get where some ppl are coming from when they say why they hate him but then am horrified by what they do with that hatred.

I keep telling myself that it’s normal to feel empathy for someone that you could see was facing a lot of shit. I felt bad for him in April, but also felt bad for feeling bad because everyone was saying how he was a horrible person who deserved horrible things. Looking back, and reading some ppls reflections on it, it’s much more obvious how April specifically was just an obscene hate campaign, but even then I have moments of doubt just because of how universal the idea of dream always being in the wrong seems to be, especially in this community.

Even with the most recent incident, where I did step away for a while, I felt bad for him and his friends for the things their fans were doing. But then I also felt bad for feeling bad because so many ppl on here say that the extreme means are necessary.

Even though I am more of a causal fan, I don’t want to live in an echo chamber and I think the ppl in the fandom who I do follow (like you) are pretty rational about everything. I’ve tried following other ppl but there’s just this everpresent hatred of him that I don’t like seeing everyday on my dash. But I again feel wrong for feeling that way. It’s all just frustrating.

i was going to sleep but this is actually a really important ask, in my humble opinion.

the short answer is no.

the long answer is absolutely not, i've never regretted defending him over the things i have defended him over because even if he was a terrible person and not like, a dude none of us know personally who is not perfect and makes mistakes and is sometimes a fucking idiot, those would still be things i would defend him for.

defending someone against absolutely vile queerphobia is never something i'd regret because it's quite simply just the right thing to do. erasing someone's identity because you don't like them is wrong, point blank. blair white or caitlynn jenner are no less deserving of respect as trans women than any other woman.

defending dream against ableism is always gonna be the right thing because you don't have to be a good person to deserve not to be treated awfully due to your neurodivergence.

and like, there's been things i've defended dream on where i don't completely agree with him. i think he's been a little baby sometimes when it comes to mcc but when people were saying shit like he was '''manipulating''' us and noxcrew because he said he didn't want to play in mcc if he had to play buildmart, yeah i'm going to point out that's a batshit take. someone venting and being frustrated isn't manipulation, he was just throwing a tantrum. touch grass yada yada.

and when it comes to my belief that people can be racist in the past and change, that still applies! i still think dream actively tried to be better! he grew up in a bigoted environment, is open about his racist past (and fucking uses the word racist/bigoted, thank god) and is actively working to be better.

that's always going to be true and frankly, i think it's not only weird but extremely telling that a LOT of white people who had formerly defended him suddenly switched up. it just shows that it was never about the harm done and poc but whether or not you liked some white boy.

but i digress.

the thing is, anon, i get why you feel this way. this fandom and online culture as a whole lately is wrought with the belief that consumption of media is a reflection of your morals. that consuming the right media and being a fan of the right sort of person is akin to activism.

it's not. it doesn't fucking matter. there's no righteousness in hating dream. you can certainly be valid in hating him! there's a lot of reasons to dislike him or hate him or feel he shouldn't have a platform. i might not agree with it all but i can see it.

the problem is.... i see why you feel like this and that is genuinely so sad and messed up because how did we get to the point where queerphobia or ableism or body shaming is totally okay as long as it's a certain group and to where people doubt themselves when they think it's wrong! it is wrong but i completely understand why anyone would second guess themselves.

as it stands right now, i don't regret it because i feel it's right. i'm always going to feel it's right.

if something comes out tomorrow and it turns out that it really is more than some instagram dms and the questionable choice of giving out his private snapchat, then i won't be defending him.

but i still wouldn't regret any of my past defense because my defense isn't conditional, my belief that people can grow isn't conditional, and my opinion on things like fandom's queerphobia and misuse of terms like 'grooming' would still stand.

[querenciasturniolo]

little ramble below the cut.

tw: talks of anxiety and mental health, only take in what you can handle ! 🫶🏻

i’m watching the podcast episode, and honestly i can’t get over how much i love matt.

mary lou asked the question about reflecting back on their life and stuff, what would they do differently, and matt saying he let one day in 2014 affect his life for six years and that was upsetting to him, but he doesn’t regret anything, really made me think.

i’ve had a severe anxiety disorder since i was in sixth grade (that’s when it manifested, i was diagnosed when i was 18), and everyday i used to wake up practically paralyzed in my bed, unable to do anything but worry about what could possibly happen that day.

i was an absolute fucking MONSTER for nine years of my life. sixth grade to just two years ago, i was convinced that no one liked me, and instead of trying to push past my insecurities and my anxieties, i decided to give everyone a reason to hate my guts—and it worked. i was absolutely awful, i was nasty with my words, every sentence that came out of my mouth was like venom.

my mental health was in absolute shambles; i was beating myself up every single day about my thoughts, my intelligence, my face, my body, my family, everything, and because i was treating myself like shit, i turned it onto everyone else and started projecting. i was so disgusting in fact, that i didn’t care while it was happening.

i didn’t care that i was hurting other people, bc i was hurting as well. why should i feel bad for hurting them when I’M in so much pain ?

it took me literal YEARS to realize that my anxiety was the issue, not me. my anxiety was so bad, that it was manifesting into all of these festering insecurities, and in an attempt to keep other people from noticing my insecurities, i shut down and was silent, and when i was spoken to, my reply was always something horribly malicious.

i’m not proud of who i was, and i never will be. but, i can say that i’m proud of who i am now.

matt saying that, as corny as it sounds, was so eye opening. here i am, at 4:30am on a tuesday, crying as i type this, bc i wish i could give eleven year old me, fourteen year old me, and eighteen year old me a hug, and tell her how far we’ve come. she was doing her best, and i hope she’s proud of me, truly.

is my anxiety still debilitating and crippling ? it absolutely can be, but instead of seven bad days a week, i’ll have maybe one or two. am i still nasty towards anyone who dares to speak to me ? absolutely not, everyone deserves kindness until proven otherwise.

i’m not saying that magically over night, it will get better. but give yourself some grace, it’s your first time living a life, and no one does it perfectly.

you are absolutely on the right track for you as of right now, and who’s to say in ten, five, maybe even two years, you won’t change for the better ?

change is happening every single day, and sweetheart, even if you’re taking baby steps towards your better self, baby steps are still movement.

give yourself grace, give yourself love, and allow yourself peace.

i love you all, and if you read this, thank you.

thank you for giving me an outlet to show my gratitude for three twenty year olds who make goofy videos on the internet.

thank you, thank you, thank you 🫶🏻

[rxxshintaro]

kanoshin is great for so many reasons, even moving past their very very basic, broken down parts. it’s essentially a pairing of two sarcastic people to varying degrees that can pick on each other for fun, but they both care deeply about the people they love. even though they have issues with their self image, they could, in theory, boost each other up. okay. cool. yeah. that’s something that’s relatively standard i think in a lot of fictional pairings.

what i think is the key to their relationship is the fact that kanoshin just does not and will not work until shintaro and kano can face themselves head on.

for shintaro, who sees kano to a degree as judge, jury, and executioner, he knows that kano watched the way he treated ayano. experienced it first hand, even. it’s something that haunted him ever since the day she left the earth, and while kano lashed out horribly right after her death, would shintaro not have came to the same conclusion himself? does ayano’s form not haunt him every night?

he knows that he should have done better. that he should have noticed. all of the things he didn’t say to her. the regrets ate him up for years. and when he sees how involved kano was with ayano before her death, he sees what he should have done. back then, he should have supported her. he should have noticed. he should have been like kano. kano stayed in the world and dealt with her death. shintaro didn’t.

for kano, who sees shintaro as a complacent, ignorant bystander, he can’t let go of the hate towards him that he held from the trauma of ayano’s death. the despair and horror and overwhelming psychological stress was too big to place on one specific source. it was the snake’s fault. it was his fault. and when he sees shintaro, he pushes the burden on him to carry unknowingly. it was shintaro’s fault. shintaro should have done more. just like he should have. and when shintaro had the “luxury” of closing himself up for two years, kano didn’t. he had to go back to his family. he had to keep everything together. the bubbling resentment of carrying everything on his shoulders, which was far too much for anyone to carry, again shifted to shintaro. who only had to care for himself.

and when shintaro returns from his isolation, he’s trying to change, trying to push down his guilt, and to kano- that’s not fair. kano has been holding his family together for years now, keeping the weight of everything on his shoulders, and shintaro seemingly gets a free pass to move on? how could he? how dare he try to move forward and change?

how can you look at someone who reminds you so much of your own mistakes and your regret and your guilt?

how can you stand to see someone everyday who could have just as easily been you if you had done things differently?

the answer is, you can’t. because deciding to move on and forgive means that you would have to forgive yourself.

if kano wants to live a normal life, he has to let go of his own guilt and blame for ayano’s death and for all of the suffering he endured. he was a kid. he did as much as he could, more than he should have, and he suffered just as she did. and that matters, too. he was also a victim.

if shintaro wants to live a normal life, he has to open himself to recognizing that he couldn’t have known. mistakes shouldn’t haunt you forever, and loving and remembering someone doesn’t have to be a life sentence of constant repenting and hating yourself. he suffered just as she did. and that matters, too. he was also a victim.

to choose to love someone, or to even get close to them, when looking at their sins feels like staring into a mirror of your own, it’s not a question of if you can forgive them.

can you forgive yourself?

can you face everything you’ve been through and still decide that you deserve love?

[softxsuki]

Announcement: Hiatus :(

I hate to do this. I really really hate to do this especially since I received a new urgent requests today and I’m also in the middle of a match up event. But I’ve tried to hold on this past week and I feel like I’m just getting worse every day.

Here’s what’s going on: My mother is mentally abusing me. She has been since I was a child. I’ve gotten used to it as I’ve grown, but the more independent I become, the more she disrespects me and tries to walk all over me. Today was my breaking point… i worked on Friday and Saturday, had a good time at six flags (an amusement park) with my friends on Sunday. On Saturday my mom complained to me in the morning about me not doing my part around the house and just throwing me down with her words. I was so upset that morning that I almost hit another car while backing out of my driveway. It was scary. I cried the whole way to work.

Now come today (I worked today and I’ll be working everyday till Friday with only one day off on Saturday and then I’m back to work for another 2 days) and I got home around 7pm. I ate, rested for a bit bc my feet hurtttttt from being on them all day and also from all the walking I did yesterday. Anyway since I’ve been so busy at work I’ve haven’t had a chance to wash my clothes so my laundry basket is completely full. Around 8pm I put in my first load of clothes. It washes, then I put it to dry. I throw my second load in and get back to trying to write.

My mom comes home and already she’s in a bad mood. She wants to wash her work clothes so she stops the washing machine (my clothes still have 30 min left) and starts taking my dripping wet clothes out of the washing machine. I start getting upset bc ???? Hello??? What are you doing??? And I tell her to stop and that I’ll put her clothes to wash and to dry once mine finish. But she WONT have that. She starts throwing my clothes on the floor so I try and push her away to get her to stop, but she’s being persistent. I was fuming at this point and so I just walked away bc I didn’t want to do something I’d regret. I start screaming at her and run up to my room. My dad comes to comfort me bc I’m just feeling horrible.

I’m religious y’know so my mom sends me a text later saying this. “The Bible says to honor your mother and father so that your days will be long. Ask God for forgiveness”… like girl the Bible also says to not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Trying to make herself a victim and trying to make me feel bad. She always does this and I hate it. I am a respectful person and would never disrespect my parents. But after years of mental abuse from my mother I don’t allow her to treat me like that anymore so I stood up for myself. But I felt so worthless having her throw my clothes on the floor like that and only thinking of herself and her own clothes that needed to be washed when I already offered to put them to wash for her later so they’d be clean in the morning.

This is just one incident of many. She even threatened to call the police on me tonight after I told her that I’d do the same to her clothes…she’s threatened to leave and never come back home before. She’s called me horrible names in the past. Anyway as of now I’ve blocked her number and I’m not speaking to her because I don’t want to see her provoking texts or argue with her anymore.

She expects so much from me when I work 4-5 days a week and only get one day off in between. Most of the time I’m getting home at 10pm and I have no time for myself. I’m feeling lost and extremely overwhelmed and I feel like I just need time to heal and focus 100% on me for a change.

So with all that being said (sorry for ranting) I’ll be taking a hiatus for a while. Maybe in a week or two I’ll reassess how I’m feeling and go from there bc I have no energy to write rn. I don’t want to write bad content or forced content for you guys when my whole heart isn’t in it. I love to write and I love writing for YOU, but I can’t right how. This isn’t goodbye, just a temporary break so I can recollect myself. I’ll still be around to chat if any of you send any asks or dms. Those make me really happy. I love you guys so much, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me. I feel super guilty for doing this, but I can’t keep pretending like I’m okay anymore. I hope you guys understand.

Also my the anon who sent me an urgent request today: I won’t be able to write that for you for a while, but if you don’t mind waiting, then I can definitely write that for you when I’m back from my hiatus!

Again, I’m sorry. I hope I haven’t disappointed anyone.

I love you,

Han.x 💗

[iloveyoukyra]

4/27/24 10:11am

I called yesterday. We talked. I remained calm, kind, and understanding. I was quite proud of myself because it shows how I’m actively choosing to change. I probably would’ve gotten pissed by the way you treated me.

You yelled at me and blamed me for a lot. I did do stuff wrong and I took accountability and showed remorse. I said sorry as much as I could and I let you know I did regret the way I handled things. You just kept yelling at me.

I started to share my side of the story and you kept interrupting and I gave up. There was no point in trying if you were not going to listen. You gave me your side and I apologized for everything again. I do feel bad for the way I acted and I regret it everyday. I do really. I had little to no control over my emotions at the time, but I honestly feel like I’ve gotten a lot better, at the end of the day you deserved to talk to that better version of me despite everything

But you just kept yelling. I felt horrible. You didn’t take any accountability for what you did only focused on me. I realized in that moment you were gone. I’m sad but I’m glad you made it clear to me. God I wish things were different.

I feel miserable and sad I have to mourn. I can say tho this experience taught me I am capable of loving someone, I am honest, I am understanding, I’m caring, I’m respectful, and I’m emotionally maturing. I’m glad I have these traits and I’ll embrace them with love. I’m proud of myself for handling this respectfully.

I wish you could also could look objectively at it all. Maybe one day but until then I’ll be here.

[zofiathezazabeast777]

when i woke up i watched a billie and jean episode. they started talking about sexual encounters and how they would always feel a sort of guilt afterwards, whether it was self inflicted or with another person. and it got me thinking, i’ve had one sexual encounter with another so far. and that episode and these photos made me realize how much regret i have for doing it with THAT person. i curse myself everyday for wanting it that badly and desperately that i couldn’t wait to do it with someone much more special and under special circumstances. my twin sized bed and being on top was NOT the way to go. i was left all alone afterwards and felt the biggest guilt in my heart. like i had done something so wrong and i deserved everything bad to come to me, but i bet he didn’t even give that a second thought. i was lonely, being the first one to say i love you after something that should’ve been so special and buying his 17 dollar uber so he can get home. the worst part was how disrespected i was after my first time, that i was treated like absolute garbage after something so special to me (well i thought it was sort of special probably not for him) how could i let myself be treated so badly?!?! and i knew how bad it it was too!! everyone around me knew it! i hope i can keep this promise to myself and that being i hope i never ever get with a man that horrible ever again. a man that shouldn’t remind me of my dad (YIKES!) no matter how long i’ve known them because that’s just worse.

[2022animalfarmg2]

RUN! THE PIGS ARE COMING OUT

ISABELLA LOPES, MANUELA OSMO, BERNARDO DECOT

What if Napoleon was gay and he had been having an afair with squealer. What if Snowball also had a little fling with Squealer and that would be the actual reason he was kicked out of the farm?  The dogs could be  double agents that were working for Squealer and would demand them to expel anyone who wasn’t pure, resembeling e natzi regime.

Content Rating: T

My Dear Beloved Squealer, You’ve probably noticed that I’m not ruling the sh!tty farm anymore. What am I even saying, of course you did. You must be devastated! Oh and it’s Napoleon by the way. They were good years, my only regret is that those ungrateful sacks of lice found out about us, about me at least. Why would they do that? I mean like, I raised them, gave them the best for a little theatrical protection in return. And that is how they repay me. I feel horrible and don't know if I’ll survive for much longer, so I took a break  to remember the good times, and I have to say that most of them were with you.  Of course there were some rough patches, like when Snowball got between us. Fortunately the problem was quickly resolved, if you know what I mean. I still remember his little legs trying to run for his life. Thank god none of those airheads suspected a thing, they all thought it was about a stupid windmill. And look how crazy, I became fond of  Moses. He was also expelled from the farm. I told him that those things he said about the sugarcandy mountain would lead to trouble. Animalism was the only acceptable ideology. First it was just judging, but it escalated to him being banned. I’m not gonna even talk about the animals that supported him, they didn’t have it easy. I am wondering, how is the farm now? Did the dogs take over? Did they do something to you? I can’t help but feel betrayed, I treated all the animals like kings. To say I gave them my all is an understatement and they did nothing to help me when I needed it. If it wasn’t for me we would still be slaves of the Jones family, or worse, we would be their meals.   I am still shocked with how fast things went. “All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others” I’m pretty sure they forgot about the first part, hippocrates. You were always talking about animalism. Those second class animals were the ones to blame for our problems, not me. Is there any bad in having a little fun without risking overpopulation? We were actually doing a favor and ensuring everyone had a full-ish plate. I don’t care that it’s unorthodox, we don’t follow the church.  I had never stated that being goy (I think that’s how humans call it)  is wrong. But they thought it was. Those kiss-ass growned up puppies created their militia. How didn’t I realize? Luckily they loved you. Hope you are good now. Good years indeed. Unfortunately all good things come to an end. I really thought that things would start to go south when Snowball made that move on you. However, that only showed how much you love me. And I have to say, the feeling is mutual. My biggest concern is what the pests could have done to you. I’ve said it a lot, but I'll say it again. I hope you are alright, I miss you everyday and I’ll love you till my last breath.

Love, Hunky Boar (my forever favorite nickname)

Squealer folded the letter. He threw half of the bitter cognac of his glass on the paper and drank the rest. He lit up his phosphor and the love caught up in flames.

“Good work, dogs”

The animals were almost the size of wolves, lying on his feet. “Thank you master. God bless the Animal Farm”  

[bernardodecot]

RUN! THE PIGS ARE COMING OUT

ISABELLA LOPES, MANUELA OSMO, BERNARDO DECOT  What if Napoleon was gay and he had been having an afair with squealer. What if Snowball also had a little fling with Squealer and that would be the actual reason he was kicked out of the farm?  The dogs could be  double agents that were working for Squealer and would demand them to expel anyone who wasn’t pure, resembeling e natzi regime. 

Content Rating: T

My Dear Beloved Squealer, You’ve probably noticed that I’m not ruling the sh!tty farm anymore. What am I even saying, of course you did. You must be devastated! Oh and it’s Napoleon by the way. They were good years, my only regret is that those ungrateful sacks of lice found out about us, about me at least. Why would they do that? I mean like, I raised them, gave them the best for a little theatrical protection in return. And that is how they repay me. I feel horrible and don't know if I’ll survive for much longer, so I took a break  to remember the good times, and I have to say that most of them were with you.  Of course there were some rough patches, like when Snowball got between us. Fortunately the problem was quickly resolved, if you know what I mean. I still remember his little legs trying to run for his life. Thank god none of those airheads suspected a thing, they all thought it was about a stupid windmill. And look how crazy, I became fond of  Moses. He was also expelled from the farm. I told him that those things he said about the sugarcandy mountain would lead to trouble. Animalism was the only acceptable ideology. First it was just judging, but it escalated to him being banned. I’m not gonna even talk about the animals that supported him, they didn’t have it easy. I am wondering, how is the farm now? Did the dogs take over? Did they do something to you? I can’t help but feel betrayed, I treated all the animals like kings. To say I gave them my all is an understatement and they did nothing to help me when I needed it. If it wasn’t for me we would still be slaves of the Jones family, or worse, we would be their meals.   I am still shocked with how fast things went. “All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others” I’m pretty sure they forgot about the first part, hippocrates. You were always talking about animalism. Those second class animals were the ones to blame for our problems, not me.  Is there any bad in having a little fun without risking overpopulation? We were actually doing a favor and ensuring everyone had a full-ish plate. I don’t care that it’s unorthodox, we don’t follow the church.  I had never stated that being goy (I think that’s how humans call it)  is wrong. But they thought it was. Those kiss-ass growned up puppies created their militia. How didn’t I realize? Luckily they loved you. Hope you are good now. Good years indeed. Unfortunately all good things come to an end. I really thought that things would start to go south when Snowball made that move on you. However, that only showed how much you love me. And I have to say, the feeling is mutual. My biggest concern is what the pests could have done to you. I’ve said it a lot, but I'll say it again. I hope you are alright, I miss you everyday and I’ll love you till my last breath.

Love, Hunky Boar (my forever favorite nickname)

Squealer folded the letter. He threw half of the bitter cognac of his glass on the paper and drank the rest. He lit up his phosphor and the love caught up in flames.

“Good work, dogs” 

The animals were almost the size of wolves, lying on his feet. “Thank you master. God bless the Animal Farm”

[rukkiya]

tell me the truth

(Kaeya x reader)

warnings! tw: mentions of eating disorder, bad eating habits, reader has an ED.

_________________

Your hand reached out to Sarah’s before Bennet and Razor were able to reach for their wallets, handing her the money for both of their meals as they both protested against it. “Hey! Why’d you pay again? We said we’d pay!” Bennet asked, confused as to why you’ve been paying for their past few meals. You shot him a closed eyes smile. Your body feels utterly exhausted “I want to sleep.” You thought to yourself. “We promised, our treat.” Razor said, holding out some mora in his hand to give to you but you gently pushed his hand back to him. “No you guys, it's fine! You both did well today. This is a reward for you both!” You told them, shaking your head, hoping Razor didn’t feel the slight tremble of your hands when you pushed his back. Hoping they don’t find why you’ve been declining their past offers to have lunch with them suspicious. You were trying to think of a random errand to run to say to them in order to excuse yourself from both of them. The three of you had just come back from a very long commission and they asked you to join them. You felt horrible for declining the offer from the two boys but you couldn’t let them see you in your previous state. All day you've been dragging your feet because your energy was spent and you’ve desperately fought to keep your eyes from closing every time they weren’t looking.

Today’s commission wore you out more than you thought it would, but you’ve been feeling weak and dizzy since before today. Days, weeks, maybe even months by now, you’ve lost count. Your bad eating habits have come back. You were more than sure you’d dropped more than a few pounds by how much extra room your usual clothing had now. You know you should take better care of yourself but you couldn’t bring yourself to do so. You’ve had bad eating patterns before this but this was just progressively getting worse, more out of hand than usual. It was hard to eat most of the time, sometimes you felt hungry but chose to ignore and go on about your day, sometimes you weren’t hungry but had to eat because you hadn’t eaten anything all day or the worst was when you’d cry as you were eating, thinking you were overeating when you sure as hell knew it still wasn’t even close to being enough.

Everyday, just the thought of eating was a struggle. You knew you didn’t consume enough as you both looked and felt weaker than ever. You hoped no one would notice or ask about it. You don’t even know how to properly handle this problem. All you wanted to do right now was sleep for days on end. You didn’t want to worry your close friends. You always try your best to cover up reoccurring things such as how you hiss when you turn too fast because of low your iron levels, or how you close your eyes every chance you get, and you most definitely hope no one hears the rumble of your stomach asking you to feed it a proper meal. You wanted to go home, you felt bad for declining the two boys but even if you did decide to stay you most likely wouldn’t even order anything from the restaurant which world most definitely make them suspicious.

You smiled and started walking back, waving to Razor and Bennett bidding them goodbye before they could change your mind about staying. You took a sharp turn down the alley next to the Good Hunter and regretted it as soon as you did so. Your legs felt like they were about to give out, your head was spinning so fast and your vision went black even though your eyes were wide open. “Nono stop! not right now!” You whispered to yourself, holding your head in your hands as your eyes screwed shut to stop the dizziness from actually making your legs give out.

You leaned against the wall near you for support, knowing if you were to stand up straight your legs would give in. You stood still waiting for your vision to come back, swaying your shoulders side to side and lightly tapping your temples to calm yourself down.

“Oh? And who do we have here?” An all too familiar voice spoke from the end of the alley and you immediately shot up.

“Kaeya!” You force yourself to turn around slowly as to not cause any dizziness to resurface. You shot him a closed eye smile, knowing if you didn’t your pained expression would slip right through.

“Ah, it’s Calvary Captain sweetheart.” He wore his usual sly smile as he took a few steps closer. “Now, what is someone as lovely as yourself doing back here?” He asked, index finger and thumb resting on his chin as his eye narrowed at you. He took slow steps inching a bit closer to you and you pushed yourself off the wall and laughed.

“Sorry pardon me, Sir Calvary Captain Kaeya, I’m back here because I thought I saw someone I recognized walk back here, but all that’s here is this cat.” You laugh as you point to the random street cat behind you hoping he buys your white lie. Not wanting him to know that you had to step away because you felt like you were about to pass out, no one could know about your eating habits, especially not Kaeya.

“Cat?” Kayea raised his brow, peeking at the cat behind you and you saw his eye light up. “Ah I see, you’ve met Ricky.” Kaeya chuckled. “I always feed the little fellow when I buy food here.” He said, walking up to the cat behind you, the cat started purring as soon as Kaeya started to pet it.

“Ricky?” You couldn’t help but laugh, seeing Kaeya pet the small cat made you smile, made you forget about your worsening fatigue. Seeing him smile was enough to make you feel like you weren’t so weak and tired and instead it gave you a piece of mind.

You slowly turn around and kneel next to Kaeya to pet the cat as well, legs slightly shaking as you do so. “You named the cat Ricky?” You whisper as your hand gently strokes the cat's head. “It kind of fits him.” You smile down at the cat as it nuzzles into your hand.

Kaeya couldn’t help but smile at the sound of your laughter, he turned to look at you only to get taken aback by your appearance, he finally got a good look at you up close and he was shocked at how your face looked much slimmer than the last time you both spoke, which wasn’t long ago. Your cheeks look sunken in and from looking at the bags under your eyes he can tell you haven’t been sleeping right either.

His smile slowly fades as he examines the rest of your body, seeing how your clothes look a bit too big and how much bruises were littered on the skin that was exposed on your legs and arms. Kaeya didn’t just spot you down alley while on his usual patrol walk no, he’s been keeping an eye on you for a while. He’s been suspicious about something, he could tell you were trying to hide something. He knew you weren’t your usual self and you haven’t been for a while. He saw you walk down the alley and took it as an opportunity to talk to you one on one, and try to find out what is really wrong, try to find out what was bothering you, try to find out why you look and sound weaker than before. It made his heart hurt seeing you look so weak.

Your hand stops petting the cat's head when you feel the all too familiar feeling of your stomach about to growl. You forgot about your hunger for a second but now you were thrown back to reality as your body reminded you to feed it as you’ve been doing such a horrible job doing so. You fake coughed in order to mask the sound that did manage to escape. Desperately hoping Kaeya didn’t hear a thing.

“Did you actually see someone you recognize come back here?” His voice sounded different, nothing like his usual light flirtatious one, his eye was now looking back down at Ricky.

You swallowed the lump in your throat, you felt your eyes start to sting . “Did he hear? Did he hear my stomach growl?” You thought to yourself, you felt ashamed, embarrassed you couldn’t bring yourself to turn to look at Kaeya.

“Y-Yes.” You cleared your throat, blinking away the burn in your eyes. “I was mistaken thoug-“

“Then why did I see you hunched over the wall just with your eyes shut a second ago?” Kaeya cut you off before you finished and you felt your throat close. This time the tone of his voice was one you’ve heard very few times, one he used when he was serious which isn’t often.

Your hand clenched at your side, you took a deep breath and opened you mouth to say something hoping it doesn’t come out strangled again. “Ah, you saw that.” You chuckled more to yourself now staring down at your hands. “You see todays commission just wore me out.” You laughed again, not necessarily lying. You squeeze your hand shut to stop the shaking that was becoming worse as time went on.

“Y/n.” Kaeya turned to you but his voice sounded far. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him too scared to see what expression he wore. Disgusted? Angry?

“Haha, Bennett and Razor did amazing today though, they really are a big help. I can’t help but want to spoil the two.” You laugh again recalling today and how good of a team they were, trying to change the topic before it got too serious. You kept your head low letting your hair cover your face to hide yourself from his eye. You felt him staring at you now and you felt the need to end the conversation for today, feeling too spent to come up with any other excuse to tell him.

“I should get going, thank you for introducing me to Ricky.” You say, pushing your legs up, wanting nothing more than to hide in your room. Your head hung low as your turned and kept your palms steady on the ground getting ready to get up.

“Y/n.” Kaeya calls you again. You ignore him.

You quickly push yourself up only to feel your legs give in immediately and fall back down the sudden movement caused you to get dizzy once again. You shake your head to get rid of the throbbing pain from your temples and try to push yourself up again.

“Y/N, stop it, stop moving.” Kaeyas voice came out louder and you slightly jumped but froze as you felt him grab your hand. Now he could most definitely feel the tremble in your hands, see the tremble of your shoulders, hear your breathing become slightly uneven and see you turn to avoid his gaze which made him come to the realization of the state you're in. You weren’t ok, you were going through something and trying your absolute best to hide it so no one would notice. But Kaeya noticed, he always notices when it comes to you. You’ve both known each other for years now and it was only natural he’d notice.

Kaeya held your hand in his, not letting you leave, too scared to let you do so and see you in a worst state than your are right now. He knows you need to talk about it but your too stubborn on letting anyone know what’s going on inside your head.

“Y/n. Look at me.” Kaeya whispered, not wanting to startle you as he did earlier. He didn’t mean to scare you but seeing you struggle just to stand up made him internally panick. He needs you to stay to make sure you're ok, to make sure he finds out what’s bothering you.

You bit your lip as you felt it start to tremble. “He saw through me. He managed to see what I’ve been trying to hide.” Your mind was racing, you felt utter shame. You shook your head and turned away, to embarrassed to look at him.

The way you hid your face made Kaeya’s heart sink, he’s never seen you in such a state, how long have you been like this? He thought to himself. He's been keeping an eye on you but he didn’t expect it to be this bad. He felt mad and scared, that he didn’t confront you earlier and scared by how far this has come to leave you this weak.

Kaeyas hand gently squeezed yours. He stood up and circled around you, kneeling down he hesitated to reach out, not wanting you to move away. “Y/n, I need to you look at me please.” His tone was soft, he slowly reached his free hand to tuck the hair that was covering your face behind your ear.

His hand then gently lifted up your chin and saw the expression you wore, he saw how you were biting down hard on your lower lip to stop the sob that most definitely wanted to escape and how your eyes were filled to the brim with unshead tears as you refused to let them free. “I just need you to answer this question.” The expression he wore was so gentle, his eye looked at you with so much care as he gently tilted your head to look at him. Through your unshead tears you could see the worry that was evident on his features and you felt so bad. One, for letting him find out your not ok. Two, for not letting him know sooner than you needed help, someone to talk to, you know he would’ve welcomed you to talk to him about it with open arms, he would always let you, no matter what it’s about.

You blink at Kaeya, the tears you were so desperately trying to hold slowly cascade down through the corners of your eyes. Kaeya only wiped them with his thumb as you slowly opened your eyes again, looking at him and awaiting the question he was about to ask. He was genuinely concerned and you felt it though the way he was looking at you. “Sweetheart, please tell me the truth, when was the last time you ate something?” He asked, and your breath got caught in your throat.

“I ate this morning.” You reply, slowly exhaling without letting the sob that wanted to erupt come out. A wobbly smile made its way into your lips as your last attempt to try and make him believe you were fine. Kaeya’s brows were knitted together, seeing you try to smile as you tried to make him believe your answer was the pushing point for him. He gently let go of your hand he was holding and held the other side of your face as he shook his head. “No, I mean when was the last time you fed yourself a proper meal?” He asked and you couldn’t stop the small whisper that escaped your lips. He caught on, the ever so observant Calvary captain had managed to see right through your lies. A small sob erupted soon after. Your trembling hands reached out for him to hold him, hold him because you were scared but relieved, someone finally knows, will this finally get better? You thought, your head falling to his shoulder as your sobs slowly became louder.

Kaeya let you cry it out and grab on to him for support as he let your frame fall into his chest to hide your face. His eye looked down at your shaking form and it hit him how well you were able to play off like you were fine. It was truly an eye opener, it genuinely scared him to see you someone who never wavers, you who always keeps a smile on your face no matter what, break down and look so small weak and fragile. He knows you need help and he was going to make sure he was there to help you through this make sure you get better he will be your crutch. Kaeya couldn’t help but wrap both his arms around you pulling your body as close as he could to his chest. The uneasy feeling in stomach chest made him realize just how easily you could’ve slipped through his fingers if he didn’t confront you about this now. Your one of the very few people Kaeya holds close to his heart and he sure as hell wasn’t going to let anyone, or anything take you away. He knows you’re one to keep to yourself, just like he is. But he won’t let you go through this alone, no because Kaeya cares for you more than he can handle, his heart hurts seeing you in such a state. “I-I’m sorry.” You heave out, throat hurting and eyes feeling dangerously heavy, but you felt safe in his arms, you felt at peace something you haven’t felt for a very long time. “I’m here, I got you.” Kaeya whisper’s, head falling on your shoulder as he promises himself that he’ll be the one to help you. He’ll help you every step of the way and even after you're better, even after years have passed, he swears to himself and to you he’ll still be by your side.

_________________

authors note: hello once again hehe! sorry for the heavy one shot, I’ve been wanting to write this for a while and it’s just a small rant as well I’m very sorry if it’s a bit much but I just needed to write it out. Kaeya again bc he brings me so much comfort he’s my fav and I love him sm hehe I do hope u enjoy <33

[ventisehe]

crying on their wedding day / genshin impact / part one

this was a request from my old account and i am only transferring it here. there is a part two to this but i got busy with school and organizing my new account, as well as thinking over deleting my old account.

since bennett is fifteen or sixteen, his part will be a little different from the others. with aether, he is hundred years old so his part if just like the rest. this is unedited and i wrote it at night when i was supposed to be farming so please bear with me hehe.

requested by: @bakuhoe-is-my-bakubro

includes: diluc, zhongli, childe/tartaglia, aether, bennett

warning: unedited, not proofread

part two

THOSE WHO WOULD SHED A SINGLE TEAR

     DILUC

       After losing his father and his horrible fall out with Kaeya, Diluc has become a firm believer that a man can truly live as an island, to some extent. As much as possible, he kept to himself and worked alone. Having people share his burdens with him did not appeal to him. In fact, it miffed him, as it made him feel indebted to them.

          He limited his interaction with everyone, especially those who are part of the Knights of Favonius, favoring solitude above else. But of course, this did not entail bad social ethics to others.

    He treated his maids and employees with civility and respect, the same can be said with his patrons whenever he worked behind the counter (it would certainly be bad for his business if he behaved aloof to them) and those he was once close friends with. He always behaved appropriately to them, although he must admit he can be quite insulting to the Knight, he always stood behind an invisible barrier, careful not to cross it and grow attached to anyone.

        He has long given up with amorous relationships. After all, what good would he be as a lover if he could not provide his woman the love and care she deserved? Surely, he cannot let a maiden suffer with his inadequacy as a potential husband. He is aware of how hectic his schedule is (he hardly has enough time for himself so spending time with his lover would be proven difficult) and how poorly he expresses his feelings, thoughts, and emotions. In a relationship, in marriage, communication is the key for it to be successful, and already then, he has failed. He may be a cold man at first glance, but he will not put a woman in s distressing dilemma, not intentionally anyway.

                    Being the richest man in Mondstadt and being considered attractive by many, Diluc was not foreign to having women throw themselves at him, attempting to seduce him. If maintaining a relationship with a woman with his current tribulations was hard, finding a woman who truly love and understand him was even harder. He has no means of deciphering who were pure with their intentions and those who sought him for his money and influence.

     And he accepted his fate without easily, without question. This was the way it was supposed to be in the first place. Diluc Ragnvindr - a lone man, who lived in too big mansion, sleeping on a bed too big for him. It was all he knew. The bright days of his childhood long forgotten.

    But then you came to his life so suddenly.

                          "Master Diluc," Began Jean, a polite smile over her lips. "This is ( Your Name )".

              All it took was for you to give him shy smile to have his walls broken down, and for his heart to yearn for what he has resolutely denied himself of for years. And it twisted him, and not in a way he welcomed.

          Diluc tried so damn hard to push you away. He avoided your presence, and made it his point to show you he wanted nothing to do with you, and made no attempt to cover it and ignored how his heart broke every time your smile fell. He resolutely refused to yield to your sincere advances.

                                     He treated you the same way be treated everyone, to show you how you were no different from everyone. You were just another dot in his life waiting to be erased and thrown in the back of his mind.

                                                       But the harder he pushed, the harder you pulled. In his brightest days and in his darkest days, you have never strayed far and welcomed him with open arms. You always went out of your way for him.

          It was hard not to fall in love with you? Why did you have to make things so difficult?

                        It wasn't too long until he was falling asleep in his bed with you in his embrace, his heart feeling light, warm and content. He hasn't feel like this in a long time - safe, and at home. Diluc found home from someone he tried to push away.

                                      The horror of what could have happened if he had been successful weighed down on him, and it took quite an assurance from you to make him remember that he has failed, and you were his, as he was yours.

                          Back then, he thought your persistence was bothersome. But as he stood at the altar right now, watching you enter with your white wedding dress, he was grateful you never gave up on him.

Diluc cannot describe how beautiful you looked as you graced everyone in the place with your presence.

Your eyes locked with him, and his heart soared in his chest. And when you smiled at him, an excited gleam in your eyes - he cannot help but smile back.

Time cannot be any slower, and the aisle cannot be any longer. And have you always walked this slow? Or were you just teasing him?

Diluc's breath hitched - Perhaps you knew how much he wanted to get this over with so he can have you all to himself in the comfort of his room.

And when he saw you smiling mischievously at him, he knew that he was right.

His words failed to describe how beautiful you looked. His words failed the joy he was feeling. May Barbatos have mercy on him

But the tear that escaped the corner of his eye explained everything.

"Oh, what is this?" His best man whispered beside him, a teasing tone lacing his voice. "Master Diluc is crying. Why, I never thought I'd see the day."

Diluc shot him a glare. "Do not make me regret making you my best man, Kaeya."

Kaeya laughed. "Ah, ah, ah," He chimed. "Your wife won't be pleased if we fight at your wedding day."

A warm and pleasant feeling coursed through him. His wife.

"She's not my wife yet." Said Diluc.

Kaeya looked at you as you walked down the aisle. "And in just a few minutes, I'll have two Ragnvindr to annoy." He patted his brother on the back, smiling a genuine smile for the first time. "Congratulations, Diluc."

     ZHONGLI

       Zhongli, or Rex Lapis for that time, has watched over Teyvat for thousands of years and has witnessed firsthand how kings and tyrants rose and fell, how kingdoms were born, how camaraderie are conducted, how romance makes a man foolish and blinded, how society flourished in the hands of mortals as Archons guarded them from their resting place, and throughout the tales of humans, his eyes has laid upon many beauties.

                   But you? Oh, even the most esteemed bard of all realms could never bring the satisfactory glory to your name and pulchritude.

            How dearly Zhongli missed the unspeakable power, money and authority he had back before he revoked his own position as a deity, keeping a close eye over Liyue and his people. But if ever presented with the opportunity to return to his rightful place as part of the Seven, he shall graciously decline, casting his gaze away and simply returning to your side.

                               After all, what benefit would he gain from it when he already has his heart is content in the possession of a mere mortal, a mortal he loved and adored. He would dream of ever choosing his old power over you, and that can be affirmed when he asked for your hand as the two of you took an evening stroll outside Liyue.

                 He has fallen for you and he cannot rise again. A gentle and kind woman with an understanding and patience which knows no bounds. If not for his revelation that he has accomplished all his duties and has come to decide to resign from his reign, your existence may be another reason for him to take the form or a mortal and ask for your hand.

                      He can still recall that faithful day when he first met you at the harbor. He stood by a high balcony, overlooking Liyue Harbor with arms crossed. The sun beat down against Liyue grounds and his skin, but it also casted an ethereal glow on you as you exited one of the ships that stopoed at the docks. And may he boldly say the sun was outshined that day, and his heart has been taken.

                                         Zhongli can only imagine how many men has chased after you, but failed to woo you.

                   Zhongli understood the concept of love. After all, Liyue and every living being that sought shelter in its walls were close to his heart, but never in his life has he felt the way he felt for you. It was the sort of phenomena he observed between lovers for centuries - unconditional love and care, a sanctuary in the arms of their beloved, an individual to trust and come home to whether the day has been kind or unkind.

           What he thought were trivial matters and the means of mortals for survival he has tasted its sweet flavor, and it was by your hand did he receive it. And he was thankful that you have found him worthy of being with you, and soon, being one with him in the contract of marriage.

And thus came the faithful day, the very day he longed to come ever since you have accepted him as your husband to be, and the day you have dreamt of every night you laid with him.

Zhongli counted the months, weeks, days, and if he had the ability to, minutes until the day of your wedding. He has a calendar in his room and everyday, he enthusiastically crossed out every passing day, watching as his wedding with you grow closer.

And when it finally arrived, Zhongli followed a meticulous routine to prepare himself, using expensive oils and perfume to which the Fatui money has provided splendidly. After all, he wanted to look the best he can for you. You deserved only the best of things, and he shall not hold back on anything to please you.

Though Zhongli, most of the time, was a calm man even under the eye of tribulations, when he stood at the altar in front of his close friends and colleagues, he can't help but feel anxious.

Of course he has no doubt in your love for him. He holds on your every word of love and affection as true, and his love for you was as hard as stone. Rather, it was he who doubted himself and his capabilities.

He wondered if he would be able to take care of you, love you the way you should be, bring a smile to your lips, and a laugh out of your mouth. If he had been Rex Lapis still, he would have easily uphold his duties as your husband. After all, what can an Archon not do?

It would be Childe, his best man, who would console him. He would tell Zhongli he is more than capable to care for you. He has a stable job (not to mention his connection with the Fatui), he was eager to please you and give you about everything if he can, he has a kind heart, he was a man who can manage his time wisely and never choose his profession over you, and above all, he loved you. Not many men can afford the luxury of being this perfect, but Zhongli was no man, not originally at least.

He will be unconvinced of what Childe has said. This unease in him was hard to diminish. Not being enough for you will tear him apart. The thought of it just gnawed at him. Will he make you happy? Will you regret marrying him when you realized life married to him wasn't as you expected?

It was only when the doors opened, and his wide and anticipative eyes darted over to the other end of the place did every little doubt in his mind is erased.

You stood by the entrance wearing the white dress you have fought hard not to show him until this day.

That bright smile on your face, those eyes that shimmered at the sight of him, the faint red on your cheeks - Zhongli did not even notice how love stricken he looked, and nor did he notice a tear cascade from corner of eye.

It was only when Childe stifled a laugh and pointed it out did he feel the dampness at the side of his face.

He forgot how to breathe when you finally stood before him. Even a veil cannot conceal your beauty.

With twinkling eyes, you smiled at him - like he was the only person in the room.

"Are you crying?" You ask playfully.

Zhongli will let out a chuckle, and as he take your hands in his, he said, "In such a beautiful day like this with the loveliest lady in Teyvat before me, how can I not?"

Indeed it was a beautiful day, made better when your lips met his.

He can't stop a few more tears from slipping.

THOSE WHO WOULD BAWL THEIR EYES OUT

     CHILDE/TARTAGLIA

                 Childe understood his duties as a Harbinger even if his playful and flirtatious facade may say otherwise. He kissed hands of women and paid them golden compliments until their mind went hazy with his feigned affection, but he was still a Fatui at the end of the day - a ruthless and greedy scoundrel who had too much Mora in his hands.

              And it was because of his line of work that he decided never to commit himself. If he was to find himself infatuated with a woman and she reciprocated his feelings and desired to pursue a relationship with him, it would inevitably drag her to the dangers entailed to his position.

                                       The last thing he wanted was someone to dear to him to be harmed, not to mention his lover could become his weakness, she could be taken by his enemies and be used against him, thus, making things more complicated and harder for him to fulfill his duties to the Tsaritsa.

             To him, nothing is more important than seeing through his mission with the finest quality of work he can give.

                   So damn you for coming into his life and distracting him. Damn you for bringing another bright to his life. Damn you for taking care of his family when he was gone. Just - damn you for making him fall for you.

      He hated this - the feeling of being weak, of being vulnerable, of laying his guard down. One touch from you and he's no better than the people he despised for being so frail and powerless.

                                              How ever do you possess this prowess to make him so dependent on you, to relish in your voice when you sing to him as the two of you laid together in his bed, how he let his defenses crumble when you whisper his name, the tug of his heart when you he sees you getting along so well with his family.

                          Childe wanted you. He wanted you more than anything and anyone in Teyvat. He was going crazy thinking about you.

             He refused to acknowledge his feelings at first, thinking perhaps he can use you to comfort him and his family in these troubling times. That's all you were supposed to be, a tool for him to make his family feel better whenever he goes off to accomplish his work as a Harbinger.

                              But he couldn't stomach the thought of using you like that. He didn't want you to treat like a toy. And it did not help that one day, when he was returning from a mission, you come rushing to him and blurting out your feelings and your worry for his safety.

               You loved him. Did he hear you right? You love a Fatui, and a Harbinger, no less. Surely, you aren't that stupid to fall for him.

     And yet he smiled a sincere smile at your confession, and he too followed your steps. That night, he was at his weakest. Just relishing in your arms and ridding all the responsibilities over his shoulders. He can forget all his faults for a moment, with you. A peace of mind and heart was found in you.

     Childe watched as you played with his fingers, and then he spoke. “Aren’t you afraid?”

       You hummed. “Afraid? Of what?”

                   Childe shook his head and held your hand which toyed with his digits. You looked up at him, puzzled.

              “Of me.” Said Childe, pulling your hand and holding it close to his chest. He closed his eyes, almost terrified of what your answer can be. “Of what I can bring to your life. I’m a Harbinger, [ Your Name ]. Your life is at stake just being with me. Do you know what you’re in for for loving me?”

                        You gazed at him, and he can’t see anything in your eyes. He let out a small gasp when you leaned in and kissed his cheek.

            “I’m not afraid of you or anything this world can throw at me.” You confessed. “You’re going to protect me, Tartaglia. I know you will. I trust you. I love you.”

                            And fucking hell, did he protect you.

                                          He tried to hide you from his fellow Harbingers, and especially to his enemies. Not because they will use you to get the upper hand against him, a leverage. No, he wanted to hide you, as long as he can anyway (because it won't be long until his secret is out, walls do have ears), to protect you. No one will lay a hand or even get a single strand of your hair. May the Archons have mercy on anyone who dares put you in the middle of the dangers of his job, because he surely won't.

Because of this, you and Childe decided to get married in secret, with no one else but Zhongli, the traveler, and their floating companion to be your witnesses in becoming one. The two of you knew well of the consequences your decision shall birth, but it's the one you're making. Nothing in this can stop Childe from making you his wife, and treating you as such.

Childe could not wait for the ceremony to begin. Even with such a small crowd - very small indeed - he did not hold back to make this day special for you. The finest of everything is what you deserved, and if he could give more, he would. But for now, all he can give you is himself, and he dearly wished he was enough.

The whole time, as he waited for you to emerge from the doors of the small cathedral the two of you chose to be wed in, he kept imagining how his life would be like with you.

Waking up beside you was the thing he looked forward to the most. When the sunrays peeked from closed curtains and cascaded down your slumbering form, a gentle and even breaths leaving your lips, a soft expression of rest - the thought of it filled his heart with warmth, a kind of warmth only you can evoke from him.

Waking up at your side on his bed always reminded him thst you were indeed there, and his. Soon, he'll be waking up beside you with a soft smile on his lips, a reminder that you were there, but now as his wife.

Childe never really considered him emotional. It was part of his discipline as a Harbinger never to let his emotions get the better of him. But when you stepped into the cathedral wearing the wedding dress you personally chose and had hidden from him for so long, a veil over your face but the soft smile still just as bright as the morning sun, it all came crashing down to him.

Childe wanted a lot of things in life. But what he wanted the most was to spend the rest of his life with you - providing for you, protecting you, comforting you, falling deeper in love with your every single day. All this he will do until his dying breath, and he knew you'd do the same.

His dream was walking towards him, never taking her eye off him as she approached the altar.

He can hear Paimon clapping and the Traveler reprimanding her for being a little too loud. He can hear Zhongli saying something to him but he couldn't understand a word he said. But he was too lost in his realization that you're going to marry him.

You chose him, a man with too many faults and imperfections.

Just as you arrived at the small steps leading towards the altar, the tears Childe has been trying to hold back streamed down his face, small hiccups escaping his lips.

You stared at him, worried. "Tartaglia, are you alright?"

Childe would try to formulate an answer but through his tears and hiccups, he couldn't make a single comprehensible word. His posture was regal and proper, as though he was trying to fool everyone that he wasn't crying.

How can you ask if he was alright? How can his heart handle how beautiful you looked right now?

"Excuse me, ( Your Name )," Zhongli interjected as he stepped beside Childe. "It seems that your soon to be husband needs a moment to collect himself. Please, excuse us."

Zhongli led Childe back to his room, and the Harbinger did not fight back. He was still crying even when the doors has closed behind him. Zhongli stood by the door, watching the Fatui sit on his bed, trying to stop himself from bawling.

Childe can feel guilt crawling up to him as he realized what he had done. What was supposed to the most perfect day, your most perfect day, was ruined because of him.

He was scared to think what you thought of him now. Were you resenting him for what happened? Did you still wish to marry him?

If only he had controlled his emotions much better. He shouldn't have let his joy break through him in tears.

"She was crying too, you know," Spoke Zhongli.

Childe raised his head to look at the former Archon. "Huh?"

"Your bride, she - " He smiled at him. " - she was crying too. She's happy to be marrying you."

Childe can feel his heart hammering against his chest in delight at what he said.

"So don't keep her waiting."

Childe bawled his eyes out once more when the words - "I do," - left your lips.

     AETHER

                 When his sister was taken from him, Aether was a lost and wandering soul in Teyvat with the sole purpose of finding her.

              Throughout his journey, he met different people from different regions. He learned their values and cultures, he grew to love the world he used to be a stranger to, he was able to utilize different sorts of Visions, and yet, despite all of this, Aether was lonely. Paimon - bless her pure soul - tried her best to keep his spirits and bring a smile to his face (he assumed she too felt the hollowness inside of him) but it was all futile as he often find himself seeking solitude and gazing out in an open field wondering where his twin could be and how she was fairing on her own.

                He will let the cool breeze comfort him, but all it left was a searing kiss of reality that his search might have been all for naught. That very concept his mind was conjured haunted him in his every waking days. Is he still journeying through Teyvat and reaching out to all Archons with a solid purpose? Was he no wasting his time looking high and low for someone who could not be looking at the sky as he?

                     "And what if she is?"

                                     Your words is what got his attention. Aether met you in the evening when the stars and the moon was absent from the skies. He sat on a fallen log overlooking the city of Mondstadt, alone and cold. Paimon has insisted in him accompanying him, but he had snuck away before she can chase after him. He needed to be alone with his thoughts, and with the scarce time he has for himself, he has to make the most of every night that comes.

                 Lumine was in his mind, and worry was gnashing its teeth at him. He was deep in his own world, sinking to the hands of his tragic thoughts, that he did not hear footsteps trekking the hillock he was at. Nor did he realize he was speaking his own worries in the air, eyes distant and staring blankly at nothing.

       "What if she's not even looking for me?" That's what he remembered saying that time.

                                       Then you made your presence known with an answer that refuted his initial thought. He whirled his head to the side, wide eyes with surprise. You stood next to him with a faint smile, hands behind your back and the moon slowly peeking from the shroud of clouds. A light in the darkness, the moon was. And so you were you to him.

                "Sorry," You apologized, sheepishly giving him a smile as you rubbed the back of your neck. "I didn't mean to interrupt. You were speaking out loud and-and I just had a feeling I needed to say something." You took in a deep breath, and Aether found the pink dusting your cheeks adorable. "I . . . I'll just go now - "

              Aether didn't regret asking you to stay.

                                   Before you came to his life, Aether did not know how much he was dwelling in the own hell he made. His inner tribulations, his worries, his insecurities - he only took notice the torture he was putting on himself when you keep saving him from his own mind.

                   At first, all he thought of you was a precious friend - someone he leaned on and entrusted with everything, whether it be secrets or help with his quests. He told you about his past, his twin, how exactly he was different from the people of Teyvat, how he and sister fought an unknown god, how she slipped from his fingers when he reached out for her, how much he wanted her back. He was terrified of what you may think of him when he told you these things, but to his surprise, all you did was wrap him in your arms and comforted him.

                                      Along with Paimon, you were his dearest friend.

             But as time passed, the longer you accompany him and Paimon in his travels, he noticed something strange. The way his heart skipped a beat when you smile at him, how he can't keep his eyes off you when you laugh at one of his tales, how his heart hammered ceaselessly when you press a chaste kiss on his cheek, the relief that seeps in his system when he sees you unscathed from a battle, how irritated he becomes when someone makes an offense against you, the joy that seizes him when he listens to you talking about something you loved, and how much he adored it when you scold him for being a little too reckless in fighting.

                           Aether, despite being older than he seems, did not know what to make of what he was feeling. It was strange, a good kind of strange - the kind of feeling that makes him feel like he was floating in the sky. All he thought of it was an overwhelming adoration for a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

                  It wasn't until Paimon pointed it out did he realize what he was feeling for you.

                                           Upon learning his feelings for you, Aether couldn't sleep for many nights. He was plagued with the desires of his heart and his insecurities. It was like falling back to the same hellish pattern before you came along.

              He was in this world for one reason only - to find his twin. And when he does - and he fucking will - he will depart from here with her and continue their travels. Leaving you was the last thing he wanted. He couldn't bear the thought of it. It felt like leaving a piece of him behind in Teyvat, a hole in the shape of your name.

                            The solution he had for this is directly confessing to you. Of course, the blond was a nervous wreck when he approached you and asked for a moment of your time. Paimon knew of his plan and wandered away for the time being, wanting to give the two of your privacy.

              If you did not share the same feelings as he, he can already imagine the pain he will have to deal with, but it'll be much easier to leave. At least then he knows you won't be as hurt as he thought once he takes his leave. He never entertained the idea of you reciprocating his feelings. It would be foolish to - surely you can't find anything appealing with someone like him ; to which you rendered him speechless and a bumbling mess when you pressed your lips against his when he was in the middle of his confession.

                                 Aether shouldn't be this happy with you. He loved you too much to see you hurt when he tells you that he must leave. He was not welcome in this world, he was an outsider, a being not under the authority or influence of any Archons.

     But still, he spent months loving you, caring for you, doing anything to come back to you no matter what is thrown at him. He loved having you in his arms when you slept, he loved watching the stars with you at night, he loved you even with the inevitable arguments you two have - Aether was utterly and hopeless in love with you.

                     And thus, he decided to tell you what will happen after he finds his sister.

                      He knew he would be heart broken in seeing you cry, but it hurt more to see you smile at to him so genuinely and embraced him, saying, "You used to doubt you'll ever find your sister. It broke my heart everyday seeing you so hopeless, and I - " You composed yourself, shaking your head as your tried to gather your thoughts. " - now look at you," You cupped his cheek, the corners of your eyes wrinkling as your smile broadened. "I always knew the day will come when you have to leave me. When you told me you weren't from this world, I knew then I'll have to let go of you someday. But until that day comes - Aether - "

               What a shock it came to him when you got down on one knee and presented to him a glittering ring - there was unconditional love and hope in your eyes. It was like looking back at his reflection. "Marry me, Aether, let me make you happy for the rest of the days we still have remaining until you leave."

                                   Aether can never say no to you.

To his surprise, Master Diluc has already agreed to host your wedding at Dawn Winery. Aether was puzzled as to why he seemed unsurprised by the news of his engagement with you, and the Claymore wielding male answered, "( Your Name ) came to me for help when she planned to propose to you."

Aether knew Diluc, as much as possible, wanted to be alone. A lone wolf, he was. But with gratitude for what he has done, he asked him to be his best man. Diluc was startled by this requests but obliged. The red head might not show it but he was immensely flattered by Aether asking him to be his best now (and now time to subtly show it off to Kaeya).

At the day of the wedding, contrary to what he thought he would feel, Aether woke up with his an ache in his chest. He found himself looking out the window of his room, torn between his happiness and sorrow.

In a few hours, Aether will be able to adorn a ring on your finger, symbolizing your promises with one another. He shall be granted the sole blessing of calling your his wife. It was something he was looking forward to - seeing you in your wedding dress, watching as you walk down the aisle -

But Aether's mind kept drifting back to his sister - She would have wanted to be here. He thought.

Aether felt like he was committing a crime when he decided to take a walk just hours before his wedding. But he needed to clear his mind. Lumine never left his mind. He always thought that they would always be there for one another, or at least in big moments like this.

And yet she was still nowhere to be seen.

Is she still alive? Have I been wasting time? Is she still in danger? Is she lost in Teyvat as well?

"Didn't expect to run into you here."

His body tensed when he heard your voice, and he twirled around only to have his breath taken away.

You stood before him in the white dress he had longed to see ever since you proposed to him. He thought he would see a frown on your face, dismayed for his impromptu walk, but you wore a soft smile - a soft and understanding smile.

Aether did know what to say to you. He just stared at you, overwhelmed.

He opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't say anything. His shoulders slumped, and he sighed.

You approached him and kissed his cheek. He hummed in delight, eyes closing. "I hope you're not having second thoughts on marrying me." You told him.

Aether was quick to respond. He took your hand in his and kissed your knuckles. He looked into your eyes with affirming hues, "There is nothing I'm more sure of than marrying you."

You beamed at him. Seeing your face brighten up is always a beautiful sight for Aether, and it was enough for him to feel enlightened in the midst of his internal crisis.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Of course you can already tell something is bothering him. Aether shook his head. He has already ruined a small part of what is supposed to be a perfect day, he can't risk another mistake.

"I'm not going to push you to tell me anything." You stated.

Aether smiled. "Thank you." He replied. He gazed at you for a little while, taking you in. "Why are you out here anyway? And in your wedding dress too."

Your eyes widened and you looked down to assess his evaluation. "Oh Archons," You mewled. "I forgot I was wearing this." You let out a groan. "Great, now my surprise is ruined. I won't be able to see you cry when you see me walk down the aisle."

He laughed a little. "But still happy as ever to see you." He said. "So why are you outside?"

"Just . . . " You began, and Aether can detect a hint of nervousness in your voice. " . . . picking some flowers."

"I thought we already ordered flowers." Aether thought, frowning. "Did someone forget to deliver the flowers? I can call someone if - "

"No, I just wanted to pick some flowers, randomly. Like how you wanted to take a walk, randomly."

He looked at you with hesitant eyes. He didn't believe you. There was something hidden behind your motive to be out here. But like how you didn't press him with what was the problem, he did the same for you.

"Okay," He breathed out. "What flowers did you pick then?"

Aether's breath hitched when you pulled out a bundle of Windwheel Asters and several more flowers that was all too familiar with him.

He stared at the white flowers that combined with your Windwheel Asters, the very flowers that he remembered adorned his sister's hair.

"Aether? Aether are you okay?"

He stared at you with glistening eyes, his heart blossoming with adoration and gratitude. Without even meaning to, you managed to make everything alright.

"Yeah," He smiled at you. "I'm okay."

Aether thought when he stood at the altar, he would have Diluc trying to soothe his nerves as his insecurities slowly sink in his mind. But it didn't happen. Diluc merely stood by him with a relaxed expression, glancing at him every now and then.

"You don't look nervous at all." Diluc remarked.

Aether chuckled. "This is the only decision I fully know I won't regret."

Aether felt like it was his first time seeing you in your wedding dress. His heart was filled with the brim with utmost joy, but what caught his attention was the bouquet of flowers in your hands.

You told him before that you will have roses as your bouquet, but to his surprise, he can see the Windwheel Asters and the white flowers that reminded him of his sister.

His emotions was all over the place. He had no idea how he could look so calm. Somehow he managed to hold himself together until you finally stood before him.

When you stared at him behind the veil, he couldn't take it anymore. You were too perfect. How could he be so blessed with you?

Tears sprung to his eyes when you reached out to take his hands in yours. He retracted one of them to rub his arm across his eyes, wiping away the wetness that streamed to his face.

Why am I crying like a child in my wedding? Stop it!

He couldn't.

He only cried harder when you leaned forward, removed his arm from his eyes, made him look into your vibrant hues, to give a small peck on his lips - "You're okay, Aether."

     BENNETT

                 Bennett understood his bad luck more than anyone. He had lived with and through it his entire life he graced the surface of the earth. It was almost pitiful to see the boy smiling ever so brightly as misfortune after misfortune comes hurtling his way, but to him? It was an everyday and normal occurrence, nothing he hasn't seen or experienced before. His spirits has never let their roaring flame vanish, however, and if it had not been for his bad luck, everyone would have been drawn to his warm, welcoming, affable, and cheerful soul.

                                 But just because he was used to the constant array of debacle thrown his way, doesn't mean there were never days where he won't be upset over everything it brought to his life, and others as well, and wonder how long it will take until his unluckiness will lead him back to the very situation he was rescued from when he was a mere baby.

          He forgot how long it was when he had experienced something good, miraculously so. The only time he can recall being so was when he encountered the Honorary Knight, convened with them as a temporary adventure team, and found a treasure chest containing items he has only dreamed of in his sleep deep within a domain. However, that was many moons ago, and nothing has ever compared to it ever since. The moment he departed from the Honorary Knight, his bad luck came instantly to bite him.

                 It was far too long ago. Sometimes, Bennett wondered if that would be the only good thing that can happen to him in his lifetime, and thank the Archons he was wrong because the very worst day that came upon him is a day he will never exchange for another - the day he met you. When it was raining, thunder in the distance, lightning striking trees and soil, his bruised and bleeding form hardly covered under a small and flimsy tent, you graced him with your presence, and an umbrella which you used to cover both of you.

                                    He had never stopped admiring you ever since. His eyes always followed you, wide and shining. He remembered the warmth in his chest and the redness tinting his cheeks when you brought him to your abode and treated his wounds with care gentler than the Deaconess. When he told you what happened to him, he anticipated to he shoved out of the house immediately and have your front door slammed on his face, but you did not. When he warned you about his curse, telling you how you will be affected when you spend a little too much time with him, the look of fright did not cross your visage and you even insisted that he not leave your house until you were sure he was capable of moving without pain, even if you had instantly been affected by his unluckiness (you pricked your finger quite badly when you were stitching a deep wound of his. He always felt guilty for that and has not stopped offering his apologies whenever it pricks the corner of his mind).

                   Other than the team of adventurers who had saved him from peril when he was a baby, it was difficult to find someone who will stay with him, through bad times and more of it. One cannot simply imagine and comprehend the confusion and happiness that seized him when he found out you were spending more and more time with him, not out pity but because you enjoy his company (which was weird, but he'll take it).

                              You possessed no Vision, but Bennett never saw you in an inferior light. In fact, it impressed him how you can hold yourself without the aid of any power. Enemies took a little longer to eradicate but ultimately, you were always successful. He held you in high regard, and very much like a certain blond traveler, the poor boy thought it was merely friendship and respect he felt towards you. After all, wouldn't a friend accompany him in his adventures no matter what disappointing or gratifying the outcome is? Wouldn't a friend prepare meals for him before he goes off on a solo expedition? Wouldn't a friend stay up late up waiting for him to return after? Wouldn't a friend welcome him by the entrance of Mondstadt upon his arrival? Wouldn't a friend give him butterflies in his stomach? Wouldn't a friend make his heart pound in a way

                  It had taken the Traveler and his floating companion for Bennett to learn about how exactly he was feeling for you.

           He liked you, and not in the way he liked the traveler or Razor - he liked liked you.

                               When he realized about his feelings, Bennett nearly short circuit every time you go near him. His face flush a rich color of vermillion, his confident posture stripped down to a coy and uncertain stance, his eyes darted and never meeting yours for too long, a sheepish smile painted over his brims - Bennett had never felt this way before. It was foreign to him - liking someone - and it was worse for him because you were his one of his few friends (you, Razor, the Traveler and their floating friend), and having you withdraw from him if you ever learned his feelings frightened him more than any Ruin Guard could.

    He didn't bother entertaining the idea of you returning his feelings. With his bad luck, it was bound to end in a rejection, and he didn't believe he had the heart to accept the hurt that would come.

                 Bennett tried to keep his feeling a secret, he really, genuinely, did. He locked his feelings for you in a box and stowed away somewhere behind his mind. But it didn't take you too long to catch on. Bennett's theatrics wasn't as impenetrable as he originally thought because there was no other reason for you to corner him in a street in Mondstadt after he tried to avoid crossing paths with you, and admit your feelings to him.

                                  "( Your Name )," Stuttered Bennett, eyes darting to the side to avoid your eyes as he pressed his back against the wall behind him. You gazed at him, a tint of red over your cheek.

                 Archon, how are you so adorable?

                   "Uh, hi," He greeted meekly, as he rubbed the back of his head. "I-I was just about to leave for an adventure - "

                               "Bennett," You spoke, and he froze at the tone of your voice.

                   He looked at you properly, gulping. Shy eyes, shy smile, shy, shy, shy - and yet somehow, Bennett thought the worse - that you found out about his feelings and was about to turn him down.

          He almost got down on his knees and press his hands together in a praying position, head bowed, and beg to keep your friendship. It didn't matter if you did not share his feelings. You were more important than his stupid feelings. He can deal with the hurt of rejection that will soon to come, but losing you completely? Can he even come to terms with that?

                                But before he can do such humiliating display, you leaned in and pressed a kiss on his cheek,

                  It was almost too good to be true, and with someone like him, Bennett had to take a moment to comprehend what has happened. His feelings were reciprocated, opposite of what should have been considering his dilemma. How can this be? He was sure your friendship would be put to an end when you learn about what he felt for you. How did you even know that he liked you? Has he been too obvious? Surely not (he was). Perhaps you were merely toying with him, discovering his feelings and choosing to use it as a way to alleviate your boredom -

                                           Horror struck him when he processed the message behind his doubt. How could he think so little of you? Someone as sweet and kind as you would be repulsed by the intention of the actions he thought you were presenting to him. Prideful as this may sound, Bennett believed he knew you enough to know you were sincere in everything you do.

            But even if both your feelings are revealed to be mutual, the two of you agreed to wait until a certain age before forming a romantic relationship. The two of you are young and there are a lot more the world can offer outside Mondstadt. There are countless of opportunities to grow and be mature, to be able to have a set of qualities to take of one another.

                            But that didn't mean the two of you easily managed to hold back showcasing your favor for the other. Bennett will always find himself exchanging secret glances and smile with you whenever a third party joins in on your adventure. He would stick by your side in situations he think could potentially lead you to a major injury. He will attempt (and fail, unfortunately) to whip you up with something delicious when he has free time. And you did the same to him.

                  With you, there was never a time where his heart wasn't beating against his chest. He can't stop himself from bounding recklessly through his adventures whenever you accompany him, although he will still keep a close eye on you just in case something bad happens to you (but it's always him who ends up injured).

                                              But what he liked the most are the kisses the two of you share. Short, chaste, and shy - whether it be behind closed doors, when others are looking away, or when the two of you set of on an adventure.

            Bennett would lay in his bed with a smile on his face, his thundering heart preventing him from sleeping. He'll often find himself burying his face against his pillow, grinning from ear to ear.

                         This smile was different. This wasn't smile that he usually wore, the kind of smile that persevered through hardship after another. No, it was the sort of smile that was too carefree and too full of utmost joy, no worries or doubts in his heart. Everyday he always woke up to the excitement of adventure, but now, the excitement of it and seeing you once again always had him brimming with the want for the night to be over with so he can chase after his dreams with you. Chasing his dreams with you, what a life.

      His world is full of a bad luck, but he thanked the Archons for giving him someone he can depend on in the troubling waters he always he seem to drown in.

Bennett, embarrassing it may sound, often laid on his bed imagining about marrying you.

He can see himself making a fool out of himself when he gets down on one knee and propose to you. It'll be set in the most beautiful place he discovered in one of his adventure, somewhere quiet. Like maybe on top of a mountain overseeing a vast field.

Because of his bad luck, he'll try to prepare for every outcome. To be very sure everything will be saved, he made sure he created a plan B for his plan A, a plan C for his plan B, and so on, and so forth.

He can imagine himself fumbling over his words, blushing a bright red was made prominent because of his white hair, holding a bunch of hand picked flowers a little too tightly, sweat pouring from his face, his suit and hair a little ruffled -

If you say yes (spoiler alert, you will), he will most probably go haywire with shock and happiness, causing him to drop the ring down the mountain, and the two of you will spend quite some time looking for it. But in the end, you two will find it somewhere deep underground or deep underwater (to which you will ask help to retrieve) (Bennett offered to go down to get the ring but you can’t take any chances) and then you can start planning the wedding.

If Bennett had backup plans for his proposal, then expect there'll be much more backups with your wedding. He needed this day to be perfect for you, and his bad luck won't stop him from providing it for you. Even if he had to fight through horde after horde of Hilichurls (please stop him when he does, he definitely will do that for you), making you happy is his top priority.

Bennett will be extremely anxious the day before the wedding. He'll be pacing around his room, and has half a mind of running over to your place and spending the night there to reassure himself that you still want to marry him, and that you’re absolutely sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him. It will be Razor - who the Traveler spent hours teaching the basic information of the role of Best Man to - who will calm his nerves. He’ll stop Bennett from reaching your house and carry him back to his own, and giving him a lecture (he did his best) like the best man he was.

Was he having second thoughts on marrying you? No way! He will just be nervous about how the wedding will go. With his bad luck, something horrible is bound to happen.

At the day of the wedding, Bennett can imagine himself constantly seeking reassurance from his best man.

"What if I mess up?" Questions Bennett to Razor, anxious hands fiddling with his tie.

"Messing up is . . . normal." Razor will reassure him, but Bennett will shake his head.

“But it's me. When I mess up, it's always . . . catastrophic . . . ”

Bennett hoped that at least for his wedding way, everything will go smoothly. A perfect day, for you and for him. He won't embarrass you or himself. He won't forget the rings, he won't have his clothes tucked inside out, he will not spill any food or drinks on himself or on his guests, there will be no random Hilichurl attacks - none of that.

He really hoped for the Archons to spare him from his bad luck. 

He will be able to stand by the altar with confidence and a smile, waiting for you to walk down the aisle.

As Bennett is consumed with his thoughts, his eyes drew to the small table at the side of his bed and caught sight of the picture of the two of you perched on the surface. It was a picture you took with a kamera after one of his adventures. The two of you smiling happily as he showcased the loot of vegetables and wheat he gathered in numerous luxurious chests. It was good day, that picture was. He found more resources than usual. Of course, he learned from the Traveler that most of the chest they found contained treasures but hey, vegetables are better than nothing, right?

Bennett stared at your smiling face and can feel the heat creep on his cheeks as he imagined you in a pretty, white wedding dress, smiling at him so shyly and cute - oh, Archons, help him. May them have mercy on him. Of course, you always looked pretty to him - so, so pretty - but in your wedding day? Archons, he doesn't know if he can take that. It'll be too much for his big heart.

He can only imagine how your wedding will play out, but there is one thing he was sure of and that is that he will burst into tears once he laid his eyes upon you - and not the soft cry most men do in their wedding, oh, not at all like that. His heart is too big with too much love for you, and too soft to control his emotions properly.

Bennett will cry (bawl, actually), his tears of joy coming in streams, and it was loud enough for strangers to think he was grieving over a deceased loved one. He was hiccupping and sobbing, will probably be holding on to his vest tightly as if his entire lifeline depended on the pressure of how he crumpled the fabric. He hoped that in that time, Razor or the Traveler will lend him a hand and calm him down before he can ruin his own wedding.

Bennett, as he happily imagined that fateful day to come in the future (spoilers again, it will) did not feel a tear slip from the corner of his eye as he drifted off to a pleasant slumber with a beaming smile.

The boy absolutely adores you.

[flickeringart]

The conflict between Aries and Cancer

I have written before about the signs that square each other in astrology and their conflicting energies. In this post I’m honing in on the Aries-Cancer square. This conflict can play itself out within your own natal chart if you have planets in both Aries and Cancer or between you and someone else. For example, if you have an Aries Sun and a Cancer Moon you’ll experience this archetypal friction within yourself. Or, say that you are an Aries Sun in a relationship with a Cancer Sun - then you’ll experience friction between yourself and the other person. I’m going go over hypothetical scenarios inspired by everyday life and my own personal experiences with this square. Needless to say, no one is only Aries and only Cancer and people are more complex than these scenarios reflect. But it’s sometimes useful to simplify and generalize.

Scenario 1 (Aries Sun – Cancer Sun interaction)

Aries: I don’t want to visit the grandparents. They’re so self-righteous and complacent. Why should I sit and pretend that I agree with everything they’re saying just because they can’t take an opposing perspective? Also, they worry about everything; it kills my spirit and deadens the mood. It should be a crime to behave like that and expect other people to be fine with it. Just because they’re old doesn’t mean that they can get away with being a*s holes.

Cancer: I know, but they are old and they want some company. I’m sure it would mean a lot to them if you went. They love you very much - they just have a funny way of showing it. They can’t help being the way they are. Don’t forget that they took care of you many times when you were younger. You owe them something in return. They probably don’t have much time left and you would regret not being there for them.

Aries: Why should I treat them like they’re dead already? They’re still alive and kicking. I’m not going to visit them out of guilt - that sounds horrible. If I’m going it’s out of my own free will not because they’ve pulled the strings. When I’m old I don’t want someone to come and be with me because I had practiced some kind of emotional blackmail. That is horrible.

Cancer: So you think that being old is pathetic? How can you say that? Don’t you care about members of your family? Do you think you can do what you want at the expense of other people?

Aries: They certainly don’t seem to consider my feelings and my priorities so why should I consider theirs? Why are you casting me as the villain of this scenario when they are the ones demanding something of me? They act as if they have a right to my presence. It could be healthy for them to learn to not take things for granted.

Cancer: Don’t be so selfish and childish. You don’t have to sacrifice your personal freedom for a quick visit. Ignore their stupid comments - you don’t have to care about them. Don’t you think it’s a positive thing that they want you to come? Isn’t it nice to be needed?

Aries: It sounds like you’re contradicting yourself. On the one hand you tell me that I should ignore them because they don’t have something to add to my life, on the one hand that I should go and enjoy the fact that they want me there. That is completely messed up. Is that the way you think? You’re simply hanging out with people because “it’s nice to be needed” while completely overlooking their individuality. That is the worst! I seem to have more respect for them than you have if that’s the case.

Both Aries and Cancer are cardinal signs, which shows in this interaction. They both want to stand up for something. Aries is always promoting individuality and honesty, even if it’s brutal. Aries shows respect through treating everyone as an equal, even if they’re old. Cancer on the other hand is always promoting that which will guarantee a secure emotional relationship and a sense of belonging no matter what. Cancer is aware of everyone’s inherent vulnerability and is more comfortable with moods and coercions than direct confrontation. Cancer is more prone to subtle punishment while Aries wants to play fair with all cards on the table. Cancer looks more docile; Aries looks more violent, though it is questionable whether this really is the case. Cancer often thinks badly of people but is not upfront with it. If an Aries says that he/she likes you, you can trust that it’s true. Aries is not shy about expressing opinions. If a Cancer says it… it might be true, but you can’t be 100% sure that he/she is talking shit behind your back. This is because Cancer can’t handle brutal honesty. The sign is too caring and too emotional to deliver black and white statements without providing some cushioning.

Scenario 2 (Aries Sun – Cancer Moon combo)

Aries-Cancer employee: I really want to take on more challenging responsibility. I know that I have a lot of potential and people look up to me. You can trust me with some bigger project; I won’t disappoint you.

Employer: If you say so, but you have a tendency to get very overwhelmed and stressed whenever you take on more and I don’t want you to feel like you have to over-compensate for anything. You’re doing a great job as it is.

Aries-Cancer employee: (offended) You seem to want to keep me in an inferior position on purpose. I don’t know why you think so little of me. Everyone gets tired and needs a break sometimes. I struggle with headaches daily. I have to take care of myself better but with so much going on I haven’t had the time to.

Employer: That’s exactly my point. I don’t want you to have more to worry about. It’s not that I don’t believe in you.

People who have a Sun-Moon square like this are often very contradictory people. On the one hand the Aries Sun wants to prove its excellence and effectiveness but the Cancer Moon pulls in another direction. It wants to retreat and protect itself from stress. Aries is a fire sign and lives for the potential of accomplishing something great. Cancer is a water sign and is more aware of the risks than the possibilities.

Scenario 3 (Cancer Sun – Aries Moon combo)

Cancer-Aries: I really appreciate that you’ve been here for me during this tough time. I could’ve probably done without you, though. But you know, it’s still nice to have friends that one can rely on. I know I would like to be a good friend and show up for people. Wouldn’t you agree that I am a good friend?

Friend: Yes you can be. But I would’ve felt better if you didn’t always had to shove it in my face that you could do without me while thanking me. It doesn’t make me feel so good about helping you.

Cancer-Aries: I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I really appreciate you. But wow, you’re pissing me off right now. Do you want me to apologize to you for being independent and capable of taking care of myself? Do I need to play weak in order for you to feel good about helping me?

Friend: Actually it would feel better if you could be a little more humble. You don’t have to play weak - I just think you could lose some of your pride. What do you have to prove? Everyone knows that you’re very capable.

Cancer-Aries: I’m not always capable and I don’t want everyone to think that. I do my best but I’m human after all. I know that I can handle more than most but I value my friends and family. It’s important to stick together and to be a good person. But I’m not going to pretend to be something I’m not, which is what you’re asking of me.

This is the same dilemma in a slightly different form. Here, the Cancer Sun wants to cultivate a mutually dependent relationship that feels good because it’s sensitive and wants to prevent unpleasant emotions. The Aries Moon is too upfront and isn’t ok with coming off as “needy”. It wants to pursue something, the role as the “best” friend if nothing else. It’s too strong and forceful which slightly sabotages the Cancer goal of receiving and giving help.

Scenario 4 (Aries Mars vs. Cancer Mars)

Aries Mars: I’m going to clean out the basement today, there are too many things lying around and it’s never going to get done unless I take the initiative.

Cancer Mars: I can help you if you want. There are many things to go through and I don’t know if there’s something I would want to keep.

Aries Mars: I don’t need your help - I know what I’m doing. You should be happy that I’m doing this!!! It’s better if you leave me to it, that way it’ll be done faster. I’m doing it for you.

Cancer Mars: You don’t have to be so rash about it. If you get some of it done today you can leave some for tomorrow. It’s best not to do everything in one swoop. Take your time and savor the process a bit.

Aries Mars: I’m going to do it all today because I don’t want make this a long and painful process. I just want it done. I get so frustrated every time a walk down there, I just want to smash everything up.

Cancer Mars: Ok… but if you smash something that is mine without asking me, I will not speak to you again. So… you better watch your step.

Aries Mars is typically assertive and impulsive – a quick decision is made and a lot of energy (anger) is put into things. Cancer Mars is slower to start but once there’s momentum building every action is taken with care and emotional investment. When threatened, there’s a subtle emotional hint to the consequences for the other person. Aries Mars tend to attack through confrontation (active threat), Cancer Mars tend to attack through withdrawal (passive threat).

Scenario 5 (Aries Venus – Cancer Mars combo)

Aries-Cancer: I would really like to see you try to beat me. I’m the most confident out of all of you. I’m faster, smarter and more invested in this than anyone I’ve met.

Friend: You always talk a big game but I have never actually seen you win.

Aries-Cancer: I don’t have to prove anything to you. If I say that I’m the best you should believe me. Don’t I look like someone who would be good at this? I’m a winner - people just seem to have a hard time accepting that.

Friend: The fact that you’re being so defensive makes me wonder if you are as confident as you say you are.

Aries-Cancer: I am not defensive. I’m just confident enough to tell it as it is. I’m not going to downplay my skills.

The person with this type of square will be defensive but will not admit to any weakness because an Aries Venus doesn’t like being perceived as less than. It wants to be a winner in people’s eyes. When confronted of questioned, the person becomes defensive, as is typical of Cancer Mars. It fights through instilling guilt.

--

Other posts about the conflicts between the signs :

Libra-Capricorn

Libra-Cancer

Aquarius-Scorpio

Aquarius-Taurus

Aries-Capricorn

Leo-Scorpio

Leo-Taurus (available on Patreon) Gemini-Virgo (available on Patreon)

[mayraki]

“enemies?” - jj maybank (2)

-> jackpearcsn’s gif

part 1

summary: they both have to deal with the consequences of the night before, leading them to realize that maybe hate isn’t the only feeling they have towards each other.

warning: jj and y/n being mean, again

masterlist

“That Pogue deserves to get punished.” Rafe said once you and him arrived at his house.

After you told JJ to go home you had this weird feeling in your chest. It reminded you of the moment before going to ride a wave, but with a bad turn into it. “I don’t know who the fuck does he think he is. He doesn’t get to treat me like that and get away with it, Y/n, I swear I’m going to get my revenge on that stupid Pogue.”

“Rafe, what are we? Twelve? Just forget about it.” You said. When he turned and locked eyes with you, you felt shivers going down your body.

“Stop fucking defending him, Y/n.”

“I’m not defending him, I’m not defending anybody. I just don’t want you or anyone to start trouble.”

“Did you heard how he talked to me?” Rafe started walking closer to you, so close that you unintentionally took a step backwards.

“Yes, Rafe! I was there! This is an everyday thing, why are you so angry right now?” You asked but Rafe didn’t respond immediately. He stayed put in silence while looking at your eyes. You were so confused at his sudden change of behaviour that you didn’t know what to say. The realisation that you were at his house hit you when he took another step closer to you. Your mind was so focus on what happened moments earlier that you didn’t realize Rafe took you to his house. And how wrong that was.

Before you could say that you were going home, Rafe spoke. “That Pogue wants you.” He said firmly with anger in his tone. You blinked confused, trying to understand his train of thought.

“What?”

“I’ve seen how he looks at you.”

“You’re dreaming, Rafe, you can’t even see a thing that you have in front of you clear.”

“Do you like him?” He asked suddenly, getting closer to you. You could see the anger on his eyes, so clearly that your heart dropped to your stomach and a bad feeling coming through.

“What- no!”

“Prove it.” He said looking down to your lips for a second.

“Why would I want to prove it to you? We’re done, you made that pretty clear last time, Rafe.”

Rafe stayed silent, you thought that he was going to finally get over it and you were going to be able to get out, saying that it was getting late. But then when a little smile escaped his lips, you mouth didn’t open.

“Do you want to get back together?” He said with his eyes glued to your lips.

“Wha-”

“Let’s get back together.”

“What are you saying?”

“If you don’t like that Pogue, get back together with me.”

“That doesn’t make sense Rafe.” You said, trying to keep your posture together and not show that you were feeling afraid on that exact moment.

Rafe grabbed your cheek with strength, making it hurt a little bit. You thought he was going to get closer to your lips and kiss you, but when he came back to your eyes, you didn’t see the desire to kiss you in them. “Do you want it to make sense?”

“Y/n? Calling y/n to earth.” You heard your dad calling you making you step out of your thoughts.

“Dad! Sorry, it’s been a long night, I didn’t sleep well.”

“Well, you better get some sleep tonight because tomorrow it’s the party.” He said, giving a sip to the juice he was drinking for breakfast.

“Party?”

“Y/n!” He said loudly, annoyed at your question. “The party that I’ve been telling you all breakfast. There’s going to be a lot of business people there, it’s my opportunity to make an impression and make my company bigger, and more important.”

You closed your eyes trying to not sound or show any annoy expression to your dad. After everything that happened, going to a party wasn’t in your list of desired things to do. “Dad, do I have to go? I mean, I’m pretty sure I won’t have anything to do there.”

“No, you have to go, Y/n. You’re my daughter.”

“So?”

“So!?” Your dad yelled offended. “You need to make an impression too. We’re a family, and if we’re good, that means that I take the good in my family to the business.”

You sighed looking down hoping the conversation was over. “Alright.”

“You’ll have to pick a dress, do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” He said firmly.

You slowly got up from your chair leaving your almost full breakfast on the table. “Are we done?”

“Why?”

“I want to go surfing.”

“Surfing again?” You dad said that with so much disgust that you got the sudden need to walk away, tired of hearing anyone talk. “Why don’t you go with Rafe, I don’t know, on a date?” As soon as you heard his name, your heart dropped to your stomach. Something and someone you didn’t want to talk about. “I haven’t seen him in ages. And you know his dad is important, better keep your relationship in a good state.” You sighed trying to erase every word your dad was saying, since he rather be successful then watching you be alright. “Besides, you surfed yesterday.”

“So? Dad, I’m good at it.” You smiled for the first time in the conversation, remembering your times riding the waves. “I think I can go pro.”

“Pro?” He asked in a joking tone after letting out a little laugh. “Yeah, sweetheart, everybody has dreams. But you’ll work at the company with me, I need an heir.” You felt like a bucket of cold water had fell into your body. You took a deep breath while watching your dad walk towards you, once he finished his breakfast. “And I think you’re perfect for the job.” He grabbed your cheek and gave you a gentle kiss on the forehead. On the inside, you were glad the conversation was over, but once he stopped and stared at your reddish wound on your chin, your stomach turned. You didn’t told him about it, about anything. Better to stay quiet, you thought. A feeling of worry came into your chest when you couldn’t think of an excuse for it, but when you thought he was going to ask if you were alright, or what happened, he just let out a tiny sigh and let go of your chin. “You better get that fixed, honey, we don’t want to ruin your presence at the party with a horrible wound.”

Once you arrived in your room, you closed your door before letting out a big sigh while trying to take your heart to its normal speed. So much had happened over the past two days that you felt how your head wanted to explode. And if it did, you weren’t going to complain.

You sat down on the end of your bed as you were looking to the wall of your room. A sudden pain in your lower lip appearing made you remember the person who did it to you, just like before breakfast. You closed your eyes trying to forget everything but when he came into your mind, you opened them again. Him defending you against Rafe was now playing in your head, the anger in his eyes and the pain in his voice... How can someone forget that?

You dropped your back to your bed but once you heard a noise coming from your window, your head quickly turned to it to see a brunette girl already entering your room.

“Kie.” You said softly, walking towards her to help her get inside your room.

“Hi, Y/n,” she said with a smile once inside “how are you?”

“Good.” You nodded when a little smile escaped your lips.

“Are you sure?” She asked. You noticed how her eyes went to your wound for a couple of seconds. You didn’t want to lie to Kie, she was one of your best friends, the one that you could always count on, but right now, you didn’t want to talk about it.

“Yeah.” You said, trying to sound as convincing as possible. Kie nodded, going back to your wound once again. It’s like her eyes were trying to say to you that she wanted to know what was going on, but her mouth wasn’t opening. “It’s just a scratch.” You said almost in a whisper, once she came back to your eyes.

“What happened, Y/n?” She asked in the same tone, getting closer to you to grab your hands.

“Nothing,” you let go of her hands gently and stepped back “don’t worry about it.”

“Seems to be a thing to worry about if JJ reacted that way.” Kie said without hesitating, making you think of the night before.

“JJ always looks for a reason to fight Rafe, that’s nothing new.” You said, proudly of yourself for bringing the situation down so fast.

“Yeah, I know,” Kie nodded “but I’ve never seen him that angry, Y/n. And I haven’t seen him all day.” She stopped but you noticed she wanted to ask something else. Once she looked down wondering if she should say it or not, she looked up at you and let the words come out of her mouth. “What happened at the Chateau before that?”

Your mind immediately took you to the moment JJ was grabbing your chin, you and him close. Your breathing mixing with his, the heavy air surrounding the room, it was definitely something. But you just shook your head. “Nothing, Kie.”

“C’mon, I’m not stupid, Y/n.”

“I’ve never said you were.” You responded quickly. That took Kie off guard and just go quiet. You looked down and hoped for her to forget it, but then she spoke again.

“Did Rafe did that to you?” You looked up at her but then went back down again, hiding your wound.

“No.”

“Y/n-”

“Kie! C’mon, let it go.” You spited out.

“I can’t let it go! You’re hurt, Y/n-” Kie got closer to you, but before she could check your scratch, you stepped back moving her hand.

“Please! I don’t want to talk about it!”

“I can’t let that asshole treat you like that!” She yelled so loudly you immediately hoped your dad didn’t hear that. You started to feel a strong pain in your throat once the tears were fighting to come out when the memory of Rafe came into your head.

“I’m sorry for yelling.” Kie said more softly once she noticed the change in your body language.

You shook your head. “It’s alright. I’m sorry too.” Your softly tone changed the surroundings to a more calmer one. You noticed Kie wanted to know more about it, but she looked down to her feet, regretting her question.

“Are you coming to the party tomorrow night?” She asked still looking down.

“I have to. You?”

“Same.” She said looking at your eyes. You saw conflict in them, something that you always wanted to change in them, you didn’t like to see your best friend like that, but this time, you didn’t know how. “I miss you, Y/n. And I’m sure the guys do too.”

You let out a tiny laugh. “I’m not sure about that.”

Kie did the same and then nodded. “At least I’m sure about Pope and John B. Why don’t you come to the Chateau with me?”

The idea was tempting, but with that also came having to see JJ. And your head was telling that wasn’t a good idea. “I don’t think so, Kie.”

“Why not? Is it because of JJ?” She asked without thinking about it. “What happened between you two? You’ve never turned down a meeting with the Pogues because of him.”

You let out a tiny sigh while going to sit down at the end of your bed, your legs were starting to betray you. “It’s not him.”

Kie did the same as you. She grabbed your hand while trying to get you to look at her in the eyes. “Then why? Rafe’s sister, Sarah?” You shook your head. “Then what? You can talk to me, Y/n.” You looked at her and the feeling of missing her and the Pogues grew inside of you. It was true, you never turned down meeting the Pogues for anything, no matter how fucked up you felt, how angry you were, hanging out with the Pogues was the only thing that ever made you feel better. And it still was.

“You know what? I think meeting with the Pogues it’s going to do me good. Let’s go.”

You had to be honest, visiting the Chateau was making your heart skip a beat every time you thought about it. As closer as you got, all the memories of the night before came into your head making you regret your decision of visiting them in the first place. But as soon as you saw Pope letting out a big smile once he locked eyes with you, that feeling of warmth you felt everytime you were with them appeared on your body, loving every single second of it.

“Y/n! I missed you.” Pope said while embracing your body into a tight hug.

“Missed you too guys.” You locked eyes with John B and Sarah, who were already behind Pope.

“How are you?” Sarah asked, but the moment you were about to say something, the voice of someone complaining cut you off. You didn’t quite understand what they said, but you did knew who it came from. Pope turned around, making you able to see the blonde guy that seemed to be consuming all your thoughts since last night. He had bags under his eyes that made you realize he hadn’t been sleeping well. His eyes were glued to yours, they were staring at you so hardly to the point that you started to feel uncomfortable under them.

He rolled his eyes making you feel the normal annoying feeling you always had when he did that, making you cross your arms in front of your chest, to fight the need of flipping him off right on that moment.

Silence surrounded the room as JJ was walking towards you, once you noticed that he was getting closer your heart started beating faster and you hated that, you hated that he was making you feel that way. So much that you grabbed your arm with strength to control your feelings as much as you could. He locked eyes with you one last time before passing you, but not before hitting his shoulder with yours, making you move backwards and leaving a strong pain in it.

You rolled your eyes annoyed but your mouth didn’t opened, since he was already riding his bike to leave the Chateau behind.

“Don’t worry about it,” Pope said. “he’ll get over whatever has him troubled.” He said, but you doubted that was true.

Even if it took you a minute to forget what just happened, the moment that you sat down and started talking with the Pogues like you always did, everything bad that was hurting you was slowly disappearing. It was like a potion that took minutes to make effect on your body, but it did work. Laughs and more laughs were filling the room, the voices were so loudly that you felt they could be heard from a long distance, but you didn’t care, for the first time in a long time you were having a great time, and nothing was going to change that.

“Seriously! He said that!” Sarah yelled once she finished her story and pointed and John B, who opened his mouth offended.

“No I did not!”

“How can you know? You were asleep!” Laughs followed her words. Watching Sarah complain about John B was strangely funny.

“That doesn’t sound like me. I’ve never talked in my sleep. So I don’t take responsibility for that.” He said shaking his head and ending the conversation once he gave Sarah a kiss on the lips to enable her mouth from talking more.

“Talking about responsibility,” Kie said turning to Pope with a grin “and with that I’m turning the conversation to Pope, who is that girl I saw you talking yesterday?”

“What? Who?” Pope asked, clearly not expecting the question at all.

“You know who. That girl with the black hair.” Kie turned to you and gave you wink, letting you know something was going on.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about.” Pope said with his eyes glued to the ground, trying to avoid any eye contact and accidentally spilling something he didn’t want to.

“Oh, c’mon. I’m pretty sure you do because you were extremely close to her.”

“What?” You asked surprised. “Pope has a crush on someone?”

“No I don’t!”

“Oh, I think you do.” John B with a smile, enjoying the moment way too much.

Pope was about to say something on his defence, but someone walking through the door cut him off. “JJ!”

The moment that you turned to look at him your heart skipped a beat. He looked at the room quickly and the moment he locked eyes with you, he let out a annoying sigh. “You’re still here?” He asked disgusted, not trying to hide it at all.

“You have a problem with that?” You responded quickly, not giving him the win.

“Yes, you’re the problem.” He turned to you. “So unless you don’t leave I’ll always have the problem on me.”

“That’s on you, not me.” You got up from your sit to go get some water from the kitchen, hoping for JJ to leave the room, since you weren’t going to.

“Guys, I don’t think-” Pope was saying once he saw JJ’s face, but he cut him off.

“Why don’t you go back with Rafe, Y/n?” He asked firmly and with disgust, making you stop quickly in your spot and your heart going down to your stomach once you heard his name.

“JJ.” Kie said softly. But it was too late, he already said it, and didn’t had a plan to stop.

“But don’t get hurt next time.”

Silence followed his words, non of them knew what to respond to what he said, not even you. You felt like the air was getting thicker around you, making your chest hurt and your nose to miss some air, but the feeling that was taking over your body was anger. So, without thinking about your next actions, you turned around to face JJ. Kie was about to say something, but the palm of your hand was already hitting JJ’s cheek, making a loud noise in the process and leaving it with a reddish color and a strong pain in it.

“Asshole!” You yelled to his now in pain face. His eyes had surprise in them, but no one could say anything about it, not even him, since your body was already leaving the Chateau.

The sound of the waves was the next thing you heard. Your head was hurting so badly but you didn’t care, your board was already next to your body and your feet had the urge to ride the waves until they couldn’t anymore. Anger was controlling you in that moment, you knew that, you knew that surfing while there was a storm outside wasn’t a good idea, but you didn’t care. All you wanted to do was feel the water of the ocean hitting your body while you were on top of your board, killing the wave and having that loved feeling in your heart as usual.

Your eyes were so blurry because of the water of the rain in them that you could barely see. Your eyelashes were so thick now that you could see them more clearly in your eyes, the rain hitting your body with so much strength was making you feel a little bit of pain, but as soon as you sat down on your board, everything that was bothering you went away.

The water under your board was getting difficult to control, your body was moving quickly along with the waves, but this wasn’t your first time, you got this.

“Yeah, I got this. I fucking got this.” You said to yourself loudly, but with the sound of the water and the rain, your voice was quickly brushed off.

You saw your first wave and a little smile escaped your lips. The next thing happened faster than you could think of your next action, but it didn’t matter, your body already knew what it had to do.

As soon as your feet felt the wave under them your heart dropped to your stomach, the wave was so strong that it took you a moment to adjust everything, but seconds later it wasn’t the wave riding you, it was you riding the fuck out of that wave. You heard the thunderstorm in the sky and your brain was yelling you to get out of there, but your body wasn’t listening, the enjoyment of the wave was way too much for you to ignore it. Your body didn’t want to leave, and there was nothing that could change that. Following the wave with your board, you saw it ending and getting closer to the shore, so you dropped your body downwards, flexing your knees to finish the wave with more speed and finally sitting down once you felt it was over. But you didn’t had much time to rest, since another wave was coming your way.

But this one was different. Ignoring the strong thunderstorm that was happening more often than before, you paddled close to the wave hitting the water around you with more strength since the rain was making the ocean more thicker around you. It was moving so quickly that before you could cover yourself, the wave hit your body, making you fall from your board and losing yourself in the water.

You tried to hard to swam to the surface but your arms couldn’t seem to control the water around you and take your body upwards. You felt how your chest was asking for air but nothing that you did was moving your body, it was just the ocean moving you along with it. The sound of the rain became a distant sound since the sound of your heart beating faster became all you could hear. You felt your eyes getting blurrier while your arms were still trying to take you to the surface. You looked for your board but it was nowhere to be seen, so moving your legs as fast as you could finally managed to get your head out of the water to get some air, but that lasted no more than seconds, since the water was already pushing you downwards.

For the first time in your life, you didn’t know what to do in the water. For as long as you could remember your body was always looking for solutions when it came to surfing or swimming, you were a natural at it. But this time, your body was finally giving up, letting your arms down since they hurted like they never did before. You tried to move your legs but they weren’t answering, making you fall more deep into the water and your eyes to slightly close.

This was it. Your heart stopped beating even if your body didn’t stop moving, since it was still being moved around by the water. You closed your eyes once you felt your chest hurting, asking desperately for air. Even if you were underwater, you felt a tear coming out of your eyes, you were giving up, and there’s nothing you could do about it since it looked like it wasn’t up to you to decide.The moment that you felt no noise around you, your mind went all black, expect for one thing being right there in front of you. But it wasn’t a thing, it was a him. But before you could figure out who he was, you felt some hands grabbing your waist, pulling away from where you were and taking your body up to the surface.

“Are you stupid?! Why would you do that?!” That was the first thing you heard once your body recovered itself and let go of the water that was inside of it. “How can you be so stupid? You almost drowned!”

You coughed and once you were over, you looked up without moving your body from the sand. “Yeah no shit Sherlock!” You yelled but instantly regret it since a strong pain came into your chest.

“Good way to treat the person that just saved your life!”

“Fuck off!” You said gaining the feeling of the rain hitting your body once again. “Am I supposed to be super thankful now?! After you treated me like shit?!” You got up from the sand and gave JJ a good look at him. He had his hair all over her face and had sand all over his knees and feet, his hands were almost red from the cold and his chest was moving quickly because of the heavy breathing coming out of his mouth.

“And you’re a fucking angel aren’t you? You’re so fucking perfect!”

“Clearly I am not! But you can’t fucking see that!”

“You’re such a fucking brat!” He yelled so loudly that not even the thunderstorm could cover his voice.

“Oh here we go again with the brat comeback. Call me when your little brain can think of something else!”

“It’s the truth! You and you’re fucking perfect life!”

“Fuck off!” With the intention to leave the beach behind, you pushed JJ but he barely moved, and in the process he grabbed your arms to prevent you pushing him again. You tried to let go of his grip but he made sure you couldn’t by grabbing your waist and pulling you closer, enabling your body from moving away.

The way that you locked eyes with each other was something that made your body shiver. Even if you had so much anger in your body right now, his hands around your body somehow calmed your heart from jumping out of your chest, and instead, butterflies were flying all over your stomach now. You noticed how his eyes were slowly going from your eyes to your lips, making you feel weak under them. You felt one of his hands leaving your waist to grab your cheek. Shook at his action, you stayed still like your brain had shut down and he was controlling you, leaving you under the spell of his touch.

“Why did you get back with him?” He asked loudly so you could hear him under the rain, still looking at your eyes. “After what he did to you...”

The pain in them made you remember the night before, the hurt and the disappointment... they stabbed your chest once again but this time, it was something so strongly that you felt the air not wanting to come inside your body.

“Do you really care?” You asked more softly, feeling your throat hurt since the tears were fighting to come out.

“Maybe I’m not the only one who’s blind.” He said making your heart drop to your stomach. His eyes were glued to yours not moving for even one second, the closeness of your bodies while you were under his eyes made you remember the figure you saw moments ago. It wasn’t a nobody.

“I hate you.” Your voice said with so much pain. So much that it hurted you to say it, and you didn’t know why. You waited for him to say the same thing, but instead, he did a little nod and looked down once he let go of your waist.

“I know.” He said so softly that it made you more anger than you felt before. He said horrible things to you and then treated you the opposite way, expecting for you to understand what the hell was going on. But you didn’t. So, without saying another word, you walked away with your heart stabbed and tears going down your cheeks.

As soon as your head hit your bed all the tears that wanted to come out since this morning finally did. The pain in your chest became even more bigger and the air had difficulty entering your body while your room was surrounded by silence. You didn’t know why you were crying, maybe the fact that you still had the feeling of the water hitting your body and your chest asking for air, your dad, or even JJ... there was that question that had a million of answers, or even not answer at all.

When you calmed down you sat down ready to wash all the tears away from your cheeks. After checking to see if anyone was between your room and the bathroom, you stepped out of your room once you noticed the corridor was as empty as the whole house itself. You opened the bathroom door to see a message for you in the mirror, ready for you to read it.

“Don’t forget about the party! Get a nice dress, some make up, and fix your hair like a true lady. We leave at 6 pm without any excuses. Love you, dad.”

You let out a tiny sigh once you read the note your dad left. You ripped the paper out of your mirror and then continued to wash your face, already wishing all of that was over even if it didn’t started yet.

You closed the door of the bathroom to walk with lazy steps to your room while your mind, with no enthusiasm at all, was looking for a dress to wear. You walked to your room without turning the light on since your eyes still hurted a little bit from having them open under the water. But you knew your room like the palm of your hand so the little light that was coming from the outside was enough for you. With quick steps, you started to head towards your closet, but when a strong pain appeared in your foot you stopped immediately.

“Fuck!” You said lifting your foot up to grab it and look at the thing that hurted your foot. A tiny rock was laying there next to your bed, with furrowed eyebrows and confused thoughts you headed to turn the light on and see if there was any other rocks in your room. Nothing. Your eyes went over your floor at least two times to check, but there was only that rock in the floor. With slow steps you walked closer to it and grabbed it with your hand, even if it was stupid, like you expected to understand how it got there if you grabbed it, you did it anyways. And of course, nothing happened after that. Until, you saw how another rock entered your room through the window.

“What the fuck?” You asked getting closer to your window. The sound of the rain got even more louder as closer and you got. A sudden wave of fear appeared into your body, but as soon as you saw the body that was standing down your window, the fear that you were feeling turned into butterflies in your stomach. “What are you doing here?” You asked loudly enough so he could hear you on top of the rain.

“Are you going to let me it or let me get all wet?” He said, while the water was going down his body.

“It’s very tempting.”

“Alright, I’ll just scream what I have to say and alert your dad, getting you into trouble for bringing a boy that’s not your boyfriend home.”

You were about to say that he wasn’t home, but as soon as you opened mouth you saw his car parked in the driveway.

You rolled your eyes while letting out a sigh. Perfect timing, dad. “You’re a pain in the ass.” You said more to herself but you knew JJ heard you. You nodded letting him know it was alright for him to get into your room and you started to hear him climbing to your window, until what you heard came into your eyes. When JJ crossed the window you got the chance to see him more clearly now, taking your eyes immediately to his cheek. “Glad your cheek has gone back to almost normal by now.”

“I hate to admit it but” JJ touched his cheek and let out a tiny laugh “you’re strong.” A confused feeling took over you since he didn’t respond to you hitting him, instead, he complimented you. Something that didn’t happen often... or ever.

“What is it that you wanted to say?” You said, brushing your thoughts away.

“Sorry.” He said firmly, and then waited for your unsure response.

“For what?”

“Saying what I said at the Chateau today.” Even if he was answering quickly, you noticed that he had trouble saying those words.

You let out a tiny laugh and then shook your head. “Since when did we started to apologise to the other?” You asked expecting for JJ to follow your joke but instead, he closed his eyes with strength and grabbed his face with frustration.

“Oh my god! Why can’t you just accept the apology?”

“Why should I?”

“It’s human decency to accept someone’s apology.” He opened his eyes to locked them with yours. You were getting used to seeing the pain and disappointment in them.

“Not really. If I don’t want to, I won’t.”

“And you tell me I’m the pain in the ass? You’re such a brat.”

“I thought you came here to apologise not insult me.”

“Gosh!” He yelled making the thunderstorm outside tiny. “I can’t stand you!” You felt the tension in the room getting heavier every second. Used to fighting, your words came into your mouth before your brain could think of something.

“Then why are you here?!”

“Because I wanted to fucking see you!”

Silence followed his words. You stayed still in your spot while processing the moment. His eyes were now closed once he looked down, realising what his mouth just said.

“What?” You asked softly, even if you knew exactly what he said. Your mind was repeating it over and over again.

“I wanted-” he said with his eyes still closed but then stopped. He let out a long sigh and then opened them to gain courage and locked eyes with you. Once he did, the air entering your body cut off for one second. “I wanted to see you. I don’t know why, I don’t know what the fuck is going on but somehow I can’t stop fucking thinking about you. Somehow there’s a part of my brain that hates you and the other-” he spited out but then stopped, making you more impatient to hear his next words.

“The other what?” You asked, wanting to hear the answer but afraid of it at the same time.

“The other wants to kiss you right now.” Your brain was processing too slowly everything that was going on. It was yelling to you to say something but your mouth wasn’t responding. Everything that had happened over the past days was flying on your head like an old movies. You were finally understanding some of it, but your head was still so confused you couldn’t let out a word.

JJ noticed your silence and because of that, he closed his eyes and looked down, regretting his words. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” Without giving you time to answer, he turned around to the window with the intention to leave your room behind.

“JJ-”

“Forget I said anything.” He said once his leg was already hanging from your window without giving you any eye contact. Before you could react and say something, he was already out your room leaving with a head full of thought and a stomach full of butterflies.

As soon as your head came back to your room from wherever it was, you heard your dad entering your room and start loudly asking why weren’t you change. You moved your body to your closet to grab a random dress you had in it and throw it into your bed once your dad walked out of your room. Even if he said so many words, you didn’t even heard one. All you could think about was JJ and what he just said. He wanted to kiss you? Since when did he felt like that? Is that why he defended you the other day? So many questions were going through your mind, but once one single question appeared in your mind, that was the only one that started to consume your brain: Do you feel the same as him?

You remembered the moment you saw him once you were under water asking for air, or how you felt every time he walked into the room, butterflies flying around your stomach, or your heart skipping a beat or beating faster. Your enjoyment when he was touching you didn’t passed unnoticed between your thoughts, but before you could think more into it, you were already at the party with your dad having the biggest fake smile in your face.

The party was filled with men talking about business, wine, and another stuff you didn’t cared at all. It seemed like your dad completely forgot about you, since he didn’t even say a word to you since the moment you two walked through the door of that huge mansion. On the inside you were thankful for that, faking a personality to 50 year old men wasn’t something that you wanted to do, not even if it was the thing that was keeping you alive. The drink in your hand was already getting hotter and the gas was going away, but since your mouth wasn’t planning on drinking it you just kept holding it to seem like you were doing something. Your eyes were going through the room to save yourself from the boredom you were feeling, but the moment you felt an arm going around your shoulders your eyes turned to the person now standing next to you.

“Here’s my girl.” He said with his arrogant tone that made you feel disgusted on the inside.

“Rafe.” You said erasing your fake smile from your face.

“Why so serious sweetheart?” He said going down to your lips and then your eyes, after giving a sip to his drink without breaking the eye contact.

You turned your head to the side and without skipping a beat, the words left your lips with a firm tone: “Maybe because you’re here.”

His smile went away from his face and then looked around hoping no one heard that. “Wow, wow, what’s that?” He asked bringing the arrogant smile back to his face. “What did you say? Maybe we should get some fresh air.” He tried to walk you outside but with strength, you didn’t move from your spot.

“Why? So you can hurt me again?” The stare that you were giving him was so strongly that even you felt it. His face went from arrogance from shook and anger, but you without wanting to hear any of Rafe’s words, you left his grip and walked away hoping for him to not follow you. And for your luck, someone called his name and that made him gain the personality of a business man back and let you go, but not before he tried to burn you with his eyes.

As soon as your eyes saw the door that leaded you to the backyard, your feet were already walking towards it, maybe fresh air was going to calm you down and prepare you for the rest of the night. You left the drink on a table once you were outside to walk more deep into the backyard since it looked like it was way more bigger than your own house. So, leaving the party behind, you started to walk towards the big bushes hoping to find something interesting to look at.

A slow wind started to blow around your face as you were getting closer to the end of it, or at least it seemed that it was the end for you. It can’t last forever, but with this kind of people, you never know.

Silence surrounded you, not even the piano from the party could be heard anymore. You were thankful for that, even if you liked the sound of the instrument, you boredom was making you hate it. Looking for something to do, your eyes noticed some little pink flowers growing in one of the bushes, so without waiting around, you got closer to it and gently grabbed one. Your fingers immediately felt the softness of them, it looked so fragile that you made sure to not touch it too much. After letting it go, you took your nose to it to smell it, but before your nose could get to it, a strange noise made you turned around.

“Hello?” You asked and then every horror movie that you ever watched came into your head. Even if your heart started to beat a little bit faster you walked closer to where you heard the noise, expecting to see some type of animal, but when your eyes saw that blonde hair a wave of relief came into your chest. “JJ?” You asked furrowing your eyebrows confused. You looked around hoping nobody saw him. “How did you get in?”

“The have really bad security.” He said while slowly walking towards you. As he was getting closer the poor light of the backyard hit him better. He had his hands inside his pockets and was still wearing the same clothes as the last time you saw him. “Surprises me, you would think people with a house like this would have a decent security system.”

He was talking like nothing had happened hours ago. Like he didn’t confess he wanted to kiss you and then walked away, leaving you behind for your thoughts to eat you alive.

“What are you doing?” You asked while watching him get closer to you without stopping.

“I don’t know.” He said softly. “Lately, I have no fucking clue what I’ve been doing.” You knew that he was talking about his last words to you and the way he was acting. You wanted to responde to that but didn’t know what. Because deep down, you knew that you felt the same way as him. “Is the party going well?”

You sighed looking back at the house. “It sucks.”

JJ let out a tiny laugh making you turn to him and for your heart to skip a beat once it noticed his eyes were looking at yours. “Maybe we should do a party of our own.”

“A Kegger?” You nodded with a smile. “That would be nice.”

Laughs followed your words and that made you enjoy the moment you were having with him, not thinking about was happened and forgetting that it was you and JJ having that conversation. No fight was involved. “Wow, first time without fighting after a long time.” He said like he just read your thoughts.

“Don’t jinxed it.”

He let out a tiny laugh. “I always fuck up everything.”

“I know.” You said jokingly. “That is something that we have in common.”

“Yeah... that’s it.” Once he said those words you noticed his eyes going down to your lips making the butterflies go wild inside your stomach. He was so close that you could even see the details in his face with the little light of the moon and the backyard. His blue eyes were so concentrated in you that you started to feel like he was penetrating you with them, like he wanted to be more closer but his body wasn’t letting them get to where they wanted to be... As that thought came into your head, the realisation of what was happening came into your body and your feet took a step backwards while your head turned to where the party was still happening.

“Maybe you should leave before someone sees you.” You said softly, turning back to see JJ and his eyes on yours.

“Maybe.” He said in the same tone as you did. But he wasn’t moving, instead he stayed glued in his spot, getting to the courage ready to do whatever he wanted to do. “Is Kie here?” He asked.

“She told she had to come but I haven’t seen her yet. Why?”

He bit the corner of his lower lip once you asked that question. You noticed that he took a tiny breath, before doing a quick look to your lips. “Because I just want this to be kept between us.”

“What?” You asked quickly but it was too late, his feet were fast just like his hands because his body was glued to yours and the palm of his hands were grabbing your cheeks. He waited for your response but it didn’t took long, since your lips were already moving along side his. His touch was warm, it felt just like when the sun hits your skin and you feel it entering your body and leaving tiny burn sensations in it. But it wasn’t an annoying feeling, the opposite, you didn’t want it to end. You felt the butterflies in your stomach going into a rave with the single touch of his hand in your waist to pull you closer to him, even if there wasn’t any space left between you two. But that didn’t matter, you both wanted to be as close as possible and that was said in the kiss. The kiss that felt it lasted hours for how much you two felt, but in reality it only lasted seconds before you and JJ pulled away asking for air.

He immediately united his forehead with yours while your eyes were still closed. As much as you wanted to process what just happened, your brain was enjoying the moment so strongly that you just let it happen. A little smile escaped your lips once you felt his thumb caressing your cheek. You opened your eyes to see him staring at you, like he never did before.

He was about to say something but then, a voice talked behind you two.

“Fucking Pogue.” Rafe said with anger once you turned to him. You felt your stomach turn as he started to walk towards the bushes, where you were with JJ.

“Should we run?” He asked, grabbing your hand.

“Are you seriously asking me if we should escape a really angry Rafe?” You asked and JJ let out a funny smile that lead you to let out a laugh. “Fucking go!”

As soon as you said those words, you felt JJ taking your hand away and running towards a part of the house you didn’t notice before. You asked yourself what this place was but then came up with the idea that maybe this was where he got in. You heard Rafe’s footsteps following you closely but the rush was making you ignore it while laughs were coming out of your mouth. You finally felt alive, like you never did before.

You saw a white wall that you quickly deduced you had to climb to get out, and you were right. JJ, with no help at all, climb the wall and sat down at the end of it to reached for you hand.

“Stop!” You heard Rafe yell and you let out a laugh while grabbing JJ’s hand.

And just like that, you were out of the house, leaving the lame party and Rafe behind with JJ still grabbing your hand.

“That was... something.” You said with your heavy breathing once you made sure no one was around and you stopped running.

“Oh, please, you had fun running away.” He said looking at you as he was trying to take his breathing back to normal.

You shrugged your shoulders. “Maybe I did.”

“It’s not going to hurt you if you say I’m right at least once.”

“Oh, it’s going to kill me. I know it. I can feel it.” You touched your chest and JJ let out tiny laugh while shaking his head. You looked at him as his blue eyes were staring at you, and for the first time, you didn’t see any pain and disappointment in them. “This is weird.” You said once your breathing was now normal.

“Good weird of bad weird?” He asked.

“It’s yet to be determined.” You said those words and immediately noticed how a little smile escaped his lips.

“Can I do something to make it more good weird?” He asked softly getting closer to your body and grabbing your waist to pull you closer. This time, you didn’t feel uncomfortable under his eyes, instead, the feeling of warmth they were giving you made you want that feeling to last forever.

With his other hand, he grabbed your cheek and united his forehead with yours, making you feel his breathing against your skin.

“I still hate you.” You said, as his lips were getting closer.

He let out a smile and then nodded impatiently waiting for your lips. Hoping he would end the space between you two you stared at his lips, but instead of united them, they said softly: “Same.”

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[ambria]

everytime // Sirius Black

Sweetener x Marauders

play ‘everytime’ by Ariana Grande <3

pairing: sirius black x reader

word count: 2.3k ✨

warnings: angst, fluff at the end, mentions of drinking, under-age drinking, partying, depression?, mentions of drugs and drug use, someone trying to take advantage on the drunk reader, crying? Let me know if I missed something.

This also might have a few time jumps

A/N: I wrote this in 1st person but I feel like I should make these in 3rd so that’s what I’ll start doing. But this is also my first time making a one-shot fic so cut me some slack if it’s trash. But I hope you enjoy!

I get tired of your no-shows

Taking in the warmth through my fingers I look at the door once more before glancing at the clock.

He’s late. Again

I take a deep breath to cool down my nerves and sigh. I sip the rest of my butterbeer before looking at the entrance once more and packing my stuff and walking out. I look around once more before giving up and walking back to the castle.

You get tired of my control

As I’m walking back I start to get more irritated by the step. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. Always too busy to hang out because of him with his friends or too busy because of pranks. The missed dates and the interrupted times. All for his friends. I’m clearly not a priority in his life and that has to change or I’m not going to be in it.

Walking through the castle I collect my thoughts on how I’m gonna approach this situation. But since I’m so pissed off, I’m gonna take an angry approach.

I walk up to the gryffindor common room and say the password before walking in.

As I stepped into the common room, lo and behold, the marauders spread on the couches talking loudly and laughing. Seeing that made my blood boil. As I walk over I catch the attention of the brunet,

“Y/N!!!!! Hey!!!” The Potter boy called out. I gave a weak smile. Which caught the attention of my boyfriend.

“Hey, babe.” He smiled at me. I internally roll my eyes and keep an emotionless face on. At this point all the attention from the boys is on me.

“Hey. Can we talk?” In the corner of my eye I can see Remus and James glance at each other and look worriedly at Sirius. Yeah. They know better.

“Uhh. Sure. About what?” This time I rolled my eyes. I ignore his question and grab his hand before dragging him up to his dorm.

We enter and I close the door before leaning on it. He goes and sits on the foot on his bed.

“What do you want to talk about? We were in the middle of planning.” Bouncing his knee, I can tell he’s getting impatient and just wants this to hurry up and be done with this. I get even more annoyed at this.

“What do you want to talk about? We were in the middle of planning.”- I mocked him- “This is exactly what I’m talking about! You’re always busy! Doing this and doing that!” I start to raise my voice. My face starts to heat up due to my anger. I try to calm down but it doesn’t seem to be working.

He opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off,

“Where were you today?! I was waiting for you! For our date that YOU literally planned!” His eyes widened with realization and looked at me with a guilty face. But I’m too pissed off to care.

My eyes start to water with tears of frustration but I’m nowhere near done,

“Everytime I want to hang out you’re always busy with your friends and pranks! You never have time for me anymore!” At this point tears are streaming down my face and Sirius doesn’t look that far behind.

“This is the third date you missed! Because you forgot! I’m done with being second best. Im probably not even that!” He has his head down, hands on his knees.

“I—I-I” he stutters out what I think is going to be some wack apology. But I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.

“No. I’m done.” As soon as I said those words his head shot up fast and looked at me with wide eyes.

“No-” he goes to protest but I cut him off again.

“No I can’t do this. Not anymore. This has gone on for too long. You need to fix your priorities. I hope you don’t treat another girl like this. I’m breaking up with you, Sirius.” I don’t wait for a reply and I simply walk out of the door and walk back down to the common room, wiping my tears.

They keep telling me to let go

As I make it to the common room I notice the boys are still there. They see me and go to talk but a loud sound cuts them off. Items getting thrown around, is what I guessed it to be.

We all freeze and guilt washes over me. It’s Sirius.

But I don’t really let go when I say so

I turn my head to the staircase with a sad expression before brushing it off.

I had to. I deserve better. I thought to myself.

I look over to the boys to see that they have worried but knowing expressions on their faces. I gave them weak smiles and walked away to my dorm.

I keep giving people blank stares

Drama travels fast around here at Hogwarts. So it wasn’t long until word got out that infamous Sirius Black was single again and back on the market.

My friends are starting to get worried about me because of my reaction to the breakup, or lack thereof. I know how to keep my emotions buried. I know it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism but I refuse to be sad over a boy who treated me like shit.

I’m so different when your not there

What they don’t know is that I cry myself to sleep. Everyday. I close my curtains around my bed and put a silencing spell around it and sob. For hours. It’s pretty sad.

But I keep my neutral face on for everyone else. From what I know Sirius isn’t doing much better. He’s just more open about his broken heart. Lily tells me he mopes around and doesn’t speak much anymore. Let alone prank anyone.

Everytime she tells me about him being sad it makes me want to run out the room and find him to cuddle with him and kiss him and apologize profusely for the break up.

But I remind myself that it’s not my fault and that I deserve better.

It’s like something out of Shakespeare

Because I’m really not here when you’re not there

I tried to fight our energy

It's been three months since the break up and I have developed some pretty bad habits.

I’ve secretly been drinking to numb the pain. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to stop.

Once all my roommates are sleeping I drink by myself on my bed. It helped in the beginning but now I can’t stop.

I’ve perfected my fake smile so no one could tell the difference. Well one person did, but I was unaware.

I’m in a deep depression and I have no one to talk to. None of my friends know, I can’t tell them. They won’t understand.

Meanwhile,

“Pads, you can’t keep moping around. She’s moved on, you should too.”

“No, I can’t. I still love her.” Sirius said but due to him being face first on his pillow it came out muffled.

“Well then you’re going to have to work your way to get her back. Show her you’ve changed.” The werewolf suggested to his friend.

“Really?” He picks his head up to face his friends, red and puffy eyes with a hopeful expression.

They nod.

But everytime I think I’m free

As the weeks pass I start to receive notes and letters with little flowers attached to them. I know they are from Sirius but I can’t seem to open them and read. It’s too hard and I’m not ready yet.

You get high and call on the regular

Once I reach my empty dorm I run to my trunk and collect all the saved letters. I place them on my bed and chuck my shoes off before climbing on my bed while getting comfortable.

I sort the letter from how I received them. I slowly open the first one,

Dear y/n,

Looking at us now I regret a lot of things.

I don’t blame you for not seeing us together in the future.

I was horrible, but for you I am willing to change. No. I will change.

You deserve so much better and if you let me I could be that person.

But I have to fix myself in order for that to happen.

If you're willing I would love to have another chance.

forever yours,

Sirius

As I finish reading my eyes are cloudy with tears. I continue to read all of the letters.

And by the end of it I’m sobbing.

I get weak and fall like a teenager

I knew it was a bad idea to read those letters. Because after that I am ready to run back into his arms and express my love. But I can’t until I know that he’s changed.

I deserve better. I keep telling myself that.

Why, oh why does God keep bringing me back to you?

Everytime I see him now I try to avoid him. Everytime he’s in a room, I leave. Everytime class is over I run out before he gets the chance to talk to me.

Because I know if I take one look into his beautiful stormy gray eyes I will fall all over again. And that can’t happen.

I deserve better.

I get drunk, pretend that I’m over it

It’s Friday night and today is the big Gryffindor party. Being stressed with liquor and drugs is not a good combo but I haven’t been safe these past couple of months.

I’m in my dorm room getting ready. I decide on a natural glam look with a bold red lip and a black satin body con dress with some black heels.

As I’m walking down the stairs, I can hear the music blasting and the red led lights are turned on. I part from my friends and immediately head to the liquor table. As I’m walking I fail to notice the pair of eyes following my every move.

I take a plastic red cup and I fill it up with the hardest liquor I could find on the table. After downing the cup I refill it and make my way over to my friends who are currently in the corner smoking what the muggles call ‘weed’. It’s strong but it helps me relax. Who knew muggle were so helpful.

Self-destruct, show up like an idiot

About an hour into the party everyone was either high, drunk or both. Which I was. Again me with my unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I ended up dancing in the middle of the room with a huge group of people. I feel eyes on me but I’m too drunk to care at the moment.

As I’m dancing I feel someone come up behind me and grab my hips. I turn around to see a random 7th year boy. He begins to trail his hands on my body.

He leans down to whisper in my ear,

“How about we go to my down, sweetheart?” His hot breath makes a shiver run down my spine, and not in a good way.

I began to shake my head while saying no but he clearly didn’t get the message because he gripped my wrists and tried to pull me with him. But because I was too drunk I couldn’t defend myself properly.

As I continue to struggle I see a person step in front of me, glaring at the boy,

“I suggest you let her go. Now.” I heard a familiar voice, I couldn’t tell who from my drunken state. Once the person turned around a smile involuntarily appeared on my face,

“Siri! Hi!” I giggled as he guided me away from everyone.

“Hi. Let’s get you somewhere safe.” He picks me up bridal style and starts to carry me up to the boys dorms and to his room.

I yawned and cuddled up into his chest,

“I’m still mad at you.” I mumbled. He set me down on his bed and goes to his trunk to take out some clothes,

“I know.” He said, sadly. As he’s helping me I go on a mini rant,

“You know you treated me horrible. I just wanted my boyfriend but you never made time for me. You missed dates, you cancelled on me a lot. And whenever we had time together alone you had to leave early. I just wanted you to give me your love and attention. But I was never a priority. I miss you so much, Siri.” After he tucks me into his bed he kisses my forehead and responds,

“I miss you too, baby.” He goes to walk away but I grab his hand. Which makes him turn around and give me a questioning look,

“Please stay.” I pout. He smiles and climbs into the bed with me. I turn to look at him,

“Cuddles?” I ask him with puppy eyes.

“Cuddles.” I snuggle up next to him with my head on his chest and my legs bunched up with his. He puts his chin on top of my head and begins to play with my hair.

“You know, I still love you. And I’m willing to give you a second chance, Siri.” I can’t see him but I can tell he has a huge grin on his face.

“I love you too, pup. Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.” I start to drift off but before I do fully I feel him kiss my forehead again and whisper ‘I love you’ one last time before the darkness engulfed me.

Why, oh why does God keep bringing me back to you?

****

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