#i used to do it a lot in my early twenties because depression and social anxiety

[zjofierose]

.

[wreath-of-leon]

me realizing i can just infodump and repost about my ocs and world on here without worrying cuz my posts only get three likes each time, ALSO I FORGOT TO DRAW HER FRECKLES IN THE FIRST PICTURE IM SORRY:

Svetanya

Svetanya, long for Sveta, is a deer satyr. She's pansexual, her pronouns are she / her, and she's trans (specifically identifying as transfemme, and probably deer-related xenos in a modern!AU). If you really wanna get specific, I think she socially transitioned at a very early age (probably 7 or 8), but doesn't want to medically (or magically) transition. (of course I added magic transition, queer fantasy is supposed to be fun!). In these pictures, she's around her late twenties.

Satyrs often live in very communal environments—lack of an enforced hierarchy, individualism, large, ambiguous family units—the whole shebang. Unlike Atlanticians (Merfolk / Seafolk) and harpies, who get along based on similar hierarchical societies, satyrs do not get along with either on the same basis. Sveta, however, is unique in the sense she was not raised in a communal satyr circle.

Although living amongst satyrs is considerably ideal for a lot of humans, satyrs are often targeted by predator animals like bears or wolves as if they were actually animals. The communal living style, similar to herding behaviors, is useful to avoiding attacks, but not full proof. Not only this but the primarily rural lifestyle relies on the environment, of which several factors can decrease crop yields and production. As a result, living in a satyr herd can be quite difficult and challenging.

Sveta's parents, who acknowledged this significant challenge, were tired of predation. So, as a solution, they decided to integrate into a more urban, human-centric society.

Sveta, growing up within a rigid class structure, adapted personality traits and behaviors unlike any other satyrs. She can be arrogant, ignorant, sardonic, and sometimes vain and self-important. Though not only are these traits informed by her upbringing, but by the people she surrounds herself with. She was taken up by a certain human noble, Aylin Ernheim, impressed with her eye for fashion, and gave her a job as a tailor. Something both her parents were weary about, but allowed.

Aylin, in his neglectfulness, allows Sveta to face the brunt of abuse from other vain, self-important nobles. Although on the outside, she parades herself as bold, confident, and snarky, she's only really kept around as upholstery. She's deeply aware of her class, and thinks of herself as someone who exploited others to get where she is. In other words, a bit of imposter syndrome. Despite her sometimes rude honesty and lack of a filter, she knows where the boundary is because it's made implicitly clear.

Sveta also struggles with objectification. She cares a lot about appearances, and can unhealthily fixate on her body (fur, height, face, hair, antlers, clothes) due to her lack of self-esteem. When stripped of the exterior, she's overwhelmingly quiet, observant, and introspective. A type of quiet that'd make you think she was judging you, but she's really wondering if you're judging her.

Kinda went hard into all the negative aspects of her but she has positive aspects too guys, I promise!!!

Because she feels obligated to do stuff for others, she's very supportive, caring, and sensitive. Even if she's kind of being a brat to you while she does it. She's also witty. Satyrs are usually taught more practical skills in agriculture but her intelligence is purely based on word form rather than movement (also because she's just not strong enough for farm work, VERY fragile in terms of super heavy physical labor like that, and especially because of her antlers which are her pride and joy).

Because of her body image issues, she gets bouts of depression—sort of like seasonal depression—when her antlers annually shed (like real deer!). I wanna draw her when her regrown antlers are short and velvety, i think it'd be cute.

[mistydaysofavalon]

Soooo is Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned what I think it is? 👀 more about that please?

well. it is. but also I can almost guarantee you it really isn't what you think it is.

(non phannies look away)

inspired by this post, our pairing is Father Philip/"normal" Dan. except it isn't really /. basically I thought, what if I took that concept and take it way too seriously, add a lot of religious trauma, angst and pining?

let me add the rest under the cut because I have a thing or two to say about this...

Phil is a catholic priest in his mid thirties who really likes his work. Well, it's much more than his work, it's his whole life and he's maybe a bit unconventional but really good at it, very compassionate and fostering a wonderful community in his church. He is a faithful man and believes that he can do good within the structures of the church, believes he can lead people on the right path. Perhaps he is a bit lonely and can't fully be himself all the time (he likes to keep his obsession about certain video games to himself), but that's fine. He's content with what he has and proud of what he has built. (also, he's a nosy bitch and secretly loves that people are confessing their secrets to him. not that he would ever break anyone's trust or his vow of silence.)

Dan is lawyer in his early thirties. He's gay, a bit depressed but he's working on himself, he's trying. surprisingly he doesn't even hate his job that much, he's found a way to use his degree for something he's actually passionate about (uhhh some social whatever thing). he's fine, really, but he feels a bit directionless in his life. oh, and he very much despises the catholic church. for systemic reasons and also for very personal reasons. there's a reason it took him until his late twenties to actually come to terms with his sexuality. well, multiple, but the aforementioned religious trauma is a huge part of it for this dan.

he's an atheist, doesn't believe in anything but the beauty of cold, hard science. who needs fate or being given meaning by a higher power when you can marvel at the infinitely complex reality and all the coincidences that led to some atoms arranging in a way that just so happen to make up the world?

depite all of that one fateful christmas Dan begrudgingly accompanies his grandma to church because he knows it means a lot to her and she is the one person in the world he would maybe even admit to loving. (shh, let's pretend veronica's catholic I know she isn't but this is fictionnnn.) the priest being incredibly hot almost makes it worth freezing for two bloody hours in church...

they meet. they clash, obviously, and initially slightly hate each other. but then they meet again. and again. and somehow fall into an unlikely friendship and eventually in love, even though both of them know they can't, that it's wrong. but can love truly be wrong?

(oh, funfact, sister daniel has a very short cameo in a dream. yeah, that kind of dream.)

ask me about my wips

(also if you're here for dnp, my dnp sideblog is @bewareofthenewphannie, I don't usually talk about them here)

[rocknrollsalad]

Oooh, Stargyle has so much unexplored potential.

What about Steve and Argyle both going to community college for something hands on: woodworking, welding, pottery, plumbing--I don't really care? (Why? Steve is a very tactile, hands-on guy and not big on academics, and we see Argyle in woodshop.)

And they have to partner up for a project. They both turn out to be really good at one aspect of the project. Flirtation ensues.

OKAY, so I may have done a really shitty job of following this prompt. I read maybe seven words of it and rushed to a new gdoc. Immediately, I vomited out 1200 words and took it from there.

However, it's received some less-than-favorable reviews already so I stopped writing it. I'm kind of sorry. I'm more sorry about publishing it knowing it's neither finished nor as good as it should be. HOWEVER, here's what I got and I hope you get so many nice things for sending this to me in my hour of need.

tw: drug use (pot) word count: 2705

College was the last place Steve thought he’d be. Sure it was a community college and his parents made sure to let him know exactly how beneath them that was but it was still school. Something he thought he’d finished with because…school sucked. 

It was also the way forward. 

So, yeah, he was twenty-six and attending a full day of classes at some community college. He was also working part-time and somehow finding time to have something close to a social life. Occasionally. Not as much as he wanted on the latter and less in the way of dating but he was out of Hawkins and doing this on his own. 

He’d moved out west three years ago, the last of his friends went off to colleges of their own and left him looking at a ghost of town that held nothing special anymore. It was a necessary bit of sadness to push Steve toward following his dreams. 

Sun and surf, palm trees and tacos, and never a single snow day. Everyone wanted him to hate it, it was so far from them, but Steve hadn’t worn pants or a long sleeve shirt in 30 months. He’d been permanently tan for just as long and his hair found its way to something closer to blonde. The food was better, the people friendlier, and, yeah, everyone he’d grown up with was a plane ride away now but the good outweighed the bad. 

Not to mention, he breathed easier out from under the Harrington shadow. Carving his own way for the first time in his life had been more freeing than being allowed to wear flip-flops to work. Robin, Nancy, Dustin, Max, they’d all understand eventually. Especially if they’d make that plane ride. 

With a job at a daycare, Steve found himself a calling among all the naps on the beach. It made sense that he was good at it but it was luck he’d found out. At least until he got too comfortable there. His boss was the one who talked him into college, she had a list a mile long of things an early childhood education degree could bring him and, by extension, her. Steve wasn’t into the idea. Obviously, he’d done fine without it but she swore he could do so much more. After months of lectures and pamphlets and attempts at reasoning with him, Steve finally caved. 

Once he did, though, she was his biggest supporter. Something Steve actually needed in all this. He didn’t have a lot of faith in himself to earn this degree. On paper, it looked daunting. But his boss helped him pick courses and study for his assessments. Holding his hand every step of the way and crossing a few t’s Steve missed. However, she didn’t console him when the results came back and he was below college level on everything. It would mean a lot of math courses and even more English ones. 

Something he bogged himself down with for the first quarter. Wanting to speed run through catching up, all Steve did was depress himself and lose the desire to carry on. For the next quarter, they balanced things a little more. Classes for his degree and classes for catching up. 

His boss had pushed a course on nutrition, promising it’d be fun and though not directly part of his degree requirements, would come in handy with their new programs and funding. Steve wasn’t sure about the fun part but it sounded far better than another stab at algebra. 

So at ten o’clock in the god-forsaken morning, Steve dragged himself to a part of the school he’d never seen to learn about what foods were healthy. An easy A, Steve thought, the answer to everything here is just vegetables. Don’t give kids candy for breakfast. Carrot cake wasn’t actually healthy. It seemed like something he could do in his sleep. A fact he might put to the test at this hour. 

Claiming a seat in the middle of the room, against the wall in case he needed a nap, Steve readied his supplies in some weird impression of Nancy Wheeler. Trying to look ready to learn even if he wasn’t. Something about faking it until he made it or whatever people said. No one could tell him he wasn’t trying. 

Barely a minute before the class was meant to start (the teacher was nowhere in sight) laughter came from outside the door and followed a couple of guys in. Two other people stood up and they exchanged hi-fives as the jokes were explained and the laughter doubled. 

One guy among them was enough to make Steve sit upright and pay a bit more attention. A gorgeous man with a loud printed t-shirt and the longest hair Steve had ever seen on anyone. He laughed and joked with everyone and Steve couldn’t stop staring. Like everything else in the room had just fizzled away and he was left with this muted conversation and his heartbeat thrumming in his ears. 

This was also something new to California. Not cartoon hearts appearing around guys, that had always been there, but being okay with it. Losing the pressure to be the golden boy had allowed him a chance to experiment and Steve could, with confidence, now say he liked all genders. If only the increase in possibilities had led to less striking out. 

Almost immediately, Steve envisioned being rejected by this guy. He didn’t seem the sort to laugh in his face, maybe he’d let him down gently, say it wasn’t his thing. But a small part of Steve’s mind toyed with the “yes” of it all as he stared across the classroom. 

The teacher had apparently arrived because everyone started to find seats and Steve was left feeling a bit lost and more than a little confused as he tried to come back to the present. The man in the front of the room trying to settle everyone was everything TV made hippies out to be, he sounded like Cheech or Chong and flashed the peace sign seven different times in his introduction. He certainly wasn’t going to be holding any of Steve’s attention but, again, this was just meant to be an easy A. It didn’t have to be dynamic. At least he had a reason to show up every day. 

For days that drifted into weeks, Steve watched the other students arrive nearly the same way every day. This ball of energy and light, laughing and talking with everyone until the teacher made him sit down. Which he did with a casual apology and presented the floor to the man who had no command of the room. It felt like high school, hardly a higher learning situation but Steve’s boss had warned him, that college wasn’t as serious as people made it out to be. 

They were supposed to learn about nutrition and why it mattered but mostly the guy talked about his garden and how to keep pests away. Other students stopped coming but that happened in all classes. Those that stayed, Steve found out, were all in the culinary program and it was this or more practice chopping onions. They were thrilled to be here and didn’t care what the guy talked about. 

Which brought on a new feeling as the class list was an obvious clique and him. Steve was on the outside, not part of the group having fun, and it was a place he’d never been. Robin said it was good for him but he wasn’t so sure. 

Steve thought he was going to spend the whole quarter looking on from afar, not even knowing this guy’s name, and he’d begun to make peace with that. Wondering where just a touch of King Steve was so he could waltz in like he belonged like he was a blessing to them. Maybe he didn’t have to swing his personality so far the other way but there was comfort in being on the outskirts that Steve wasn’t ready to give up. 

Until a month into the quarter, the teacher didn’t show up. Everyone chimed in with different amounts of time they had to wait before they could leave but eventually, one brave soul made the call. Dismissed them all with a promise of an A for the day. Power they didn’t have but a joke the whole class shared. 

As those who weren’t in the culinary program packed up, Steve was approached by the guy he’d been staring at day in and day out. Whatever it was that had Cinderella able to make animals do her chores, this guy had. It was almost hard to be in the presence of and typically Steve wasn’t a fan of anything that made his confidence falter but he recovered in enough time. He hoped. 

“Yo, man. You sit in the class by yourself, like, every day and I keep thinking ‘y’know what? That guy needs a friend!’ so here I am! We’re gonna go across the street to the Erin’s. They both got the same name but one’s a guy and one’s a girl, and they’re dating. It’s not weird, I guess, but I don’t want to be saying my own name in bed, ya know? But, yeah, they got a few new recipes to try and, y’know, plenty of weed. If you wanna come?” 

There was a desperate “yes” on the tip of Steve’s tongue that he hated. “Yeah, I don’t have anything going on until later,” he lied. 

“Righteous! I’m not an Aaron, by the way. Name’s Argyle.” 

“Steve.” 

“That’s so easy to remember. You look like a Steve. Steven?” 

Steve nodded, not really wanting to claim the name in case Argyle wanted to start using it. 

Instead, he nodded for the door and made moves toward it. “Alright, so have you ever had tres leches cake? Tell me you’ve tried this.” 

“I’ve..never heard of it.” 

“Prepare to be delighted. This is a big day for you, man. You’ll never be the same after it. Tell your taste buds to get ready, their tiny minds are going to be blown clean off.” 

The description brought on a familiar feeling, Argyle was gorgeous and kind but under that amazing smile, he was as weird as everyone else Steve knew. And he knew how to hang out with the weird kids. 

On the walk over, Argyle talked about how he got into cooking, why he was in college so “late” in life, and his restaurant owning dreams for the future. Steve couldn’t get a word in but he didn’t trust his flirting or conversational ability so it was for the best. 

And Argyle didn’t seem to have a problem filling the silences or depriving Steve of them. Walking them around and introducing Steve to a bunch of people whose names he forgot immediately, feeding him snacks, and getting them both settled in the “backyard” where, for the first time, Argyle stopped talking. There were a bunch of other people to fill the silences though. 

Most of what was shared, Steve didn’t follow. They spoke with familiarity Steve didn’t have, he hadn’t earned yet. Instead, he listened, passed the joint around, and ate more cake in one sitting than he ever had before. 

All of it made it hard to stay focused. Steve realized his tolerance was not what it used to be and that made it that much harder to impress. Unless sitting quietly and nursing one drink because you were afraid you’d never see another beverage again in your life was now charming. Best he could tell no one seemed to mind but everything was really hazy so they could have been ripping Steve apart and he wouldn’t know. Just smile and take another sip. 

How he got home was a mystery but the half a cake on his kitchen counter said it was done so with kindness. As with any night under the influence, Steve prayed he didn’t make an ass of himself and for the first time, all quarter found himself dreading the nutrition class. 

But Argyle walked in the room and pointed at Steve, crowing out “He lives!!!!” before lowering his voice to add “Glad to see you among the living again, my man. You can not handle your weed.” 

“I’m out of practice and…from Indiana.” 

Argyle’s eyes went wide like the second point explained everything and before he could add anything else, the teacher came in demanding attention for another day of teaching them nothing. Steve moved up a row and relaxed some. Though he did spend more time daydreaming about burgers than cute boys who mock him. 

Not that he didn’t deserve it. He’d been so wrapped up in the new experience that he forgot to seal the deal and there was a version of Steve out there that never would have let that happen. Now he was back to not knowing where he stood but knowing full well he should just find out. He knew how to find out but years of bad luck, a personality shift, and maybe a healthy fear of rejection kept Steve in his seat. 

Every day after that, though, he got a little wave or nod from Argyle as he breezed into class with his group of friends. It was easier to pick out now that Argyle wasn’t the leader of the group, just a very devoted follower whom Steve had made the most important. A familiar scene from the other side. College wasn’t quite the same as high school though and Steve would kill for a pep rally to skip or dance to go to. 

Instead, he stuck to quiet greetings. Like all the other classes he’d had. A group project here or there brought strangers together but for the most part, it was a roomful of people living their lives. At least these guys now welcomed him into the laughs. Though there wasn’t another invite to sit on a square foot of dirt and eat amazing food so he wasn’t part of the club, obviously. 

By the time Steve had made peace with that, the invite to come out to have snacks at a friend’s was thrown his way. Though he was denied a chance to get high. Something he pouted about for far too long. It earned him sympathy but not drugs. He did remember the night this time and got himself home so maybe it was for the best. 

The week after it wasn’t a friend’s place but the kitchens at the school because there was a ton of beef wellingtons that needed to be eaten. Sure most of them were overdone, a couple were burnt, but it was free food, and eating a bit of charred pastry was hardly anything to complain about. 

After everything settled and people were hanging around talking, Argyle grabbed Steve and brought him through to an area with multiple kitchen setups. Lit only by the wall of windows, stovetops sparkled and the smell of bleach overpowered anything they’d been used for. Far beyond any home ec class he’d been in but he felt just as out of place. 

They head over to one of the setups and sure, maybe they were there to try some amazing dish Argyle had in the fridge. Perhaps he just wanted to show off his area or maybe they’d “break the rules” and cook something special. Okay, so that last one was a bit too Hollywood but Steve was lonely, his brain did things like this now. 

It also presented him with a fourth option that changed what sort of movie it was. All alone in a dark room with a guy he’d been lusting after for weeks, there was a very obvious choice. Far more risky than baking after hours, Steve wasn’t sure if he was picking up hints or Argyle just loved everyone but he’d never know if he didn’t try. 

So Steve sucked in a breath and crowded Argyle’s space until the man was backed against the fridge, waiting for any indication this wasn’t welcome. When nothing was said Steve leaned against him. From there instinct took over for both of them and their lips pressed together.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Do Not Watch "Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker"

I'ma tell you why, because writing words helps me regulate my emotions and I have this outlet now, but I'm not having a wonderful time right now. Y'all don't have to click.

I like me some true crime. I consume it critically. It is often painfully obvious the police have fucked up and railroaded someone, but the soundtrack will be dissonantly scary or triumphant, so I know that's not the conclusion I'm meant to draw. Nevertheless, a mystery is interesting, even if it comes with a chaser of systemic injustice.

Netflix's algorithm has been trying to feed me "Hatching Wielding Hitchhiker" for a long time. I finally bit. I feel ill with anger right now.

It's a short documentary. 1'25". I think they had time to say the words "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" and "People with mental illnesses are most often the victims of violent crime and not the perpetrators" but it never came up. I don't think they even said the words "child abuse" although they had a child abuser on camera in a nice homey setting who kept deadnaming her child. (Cis people can have deadnames too, it all depends on the circumstances that caused them to change their name. I think an escape from an abusive family warrants a name change that should be respected.)

They had a corroborating, not-mentally-ill person say that this woman had a dark room with blankets over all the windows where she locked her son, and that she'd also tried to lock him (the witness) in there. When they put her on camera she said, essentially, "No, I never locked him in his room. I did have to lock him in his room, but it was because he would get up early and do things that could hurt him."

And I remember being preschool-aged, and climbing up on the kitchen counters to serve myself milk, cereal and sugar (I was not allowed sugar, it was on the highest shelf), sometimes even making a mess, because my dad was at work and my mom was upstairs in a depressive coma, and I wonder, "Oh. Things like that?"

I know my parents would also say, "No, we never locked her in her room. Well, we did lock her in her room, but it wasn't a lock, it was a hook-and-eye latch. She wouldn't sleep, and she cried a lot and wanted us to comfort her, and we wanted to sleep. So, we fixed it. We got her a fire ladder and made sure she knew how to climb down it, so that wasn't a problem. Well, we assume she didn't have to use the bathroom... Anyway, she didn't like to flush the toilet, it was too loud, she said, and that sure was inconvenient for us. What is this about, again?"

Anyway, this kid finally tried to burn down the house (or at least started a fire), got put in foster care and ran away soon after. If I'd been AMAB and had a bit more testosterone on board, I might've done something clever like that instead of hanging out in an abusive situation until my early twenties, but it never seemed like an option.

The boy we're concerned with changed his name, lived on the street, got assaulted more than once (I don't see any reason to doubt that) and had really bad reactions to seeing others assaulted. He stopped an assault with a hatchet. And he became like an adorable duck who drinks a milkshake, no longer a human being who needs food and shelter and safety... if he ever was that, to anyone.

He made the rounds on TV and social media, the police got him to testify against the guy who did the assault, and I see no effort by anyone to do anything more than corral him long enough to get what they wanted from him. During that time, he peed in inappropriate places, and on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (that is an appropriate place to pee, everyone pees there, I have been to Hollywood), threw a knife at the ground (oh no, scary music), and rode his skateboard in a bumpy hotel lobby. This irritated people. When they stuck a camera in his face and tried to get him to perform, he rambled nonsensically. That wasn't very adorable, so he started to not be so famous anymore.

Here is where the scary music, already present whenever he did something weird, became constant.

He says a 70-year-old man picked him up, drugged him and raped him. The 70-year-old man's friends say "He wouldn't do something like that." But, you know, a mentally-ill homeless person who's never participated in an unprovoked attack before would beat a 70-year-old man to death for no reason.

The scary music, and many of the people who met the young man, find it especially damning that he allowed his alleged rapist to drive him to the train station and buy him a ticket, and hugged him goodbye. The young man thought he could take the train and find someplace safe to sleep, but he could not, so he went back to the rapist's house to get a meal and a bed. Why would a person do something like that?

Oh, I dunno, maybe people are willing to do some awful stuff when they need food and a bed? Or maybe he told himself it didn't happen, "I'm just overreacting"? Or maybe he gave the guy a chance to not try something, and the guy tried something, so he killed him? I could forgive any of that. I know how hard it is to get away from an abusive situation, how that helplessness gets ground into your bones, and how scared and angry you can get when you feel like it's all going to happen again, and that would give me some reasonable doubts.

(The police officer saying that it's almost impossible to fracture the orbital socket, when it is only difficult to fracture one part of the orbital socket, and an elbow to the face can easily fracture another part of it, and the young man saying in his interrogation that he elbowed his rapist in the face, also gave me some doubts.)

It did not give the judge, the jury, or most of the people who shoved cameras in the young man's face, any reasonable doubts.

Now he sits in prison, saying, "But I was raped!" and being denied a new trial. He does not wish to see his abusive mother. The closing captions deadnamed him some more.

Thanks, Netflix. What an intriguing mystery. Not unlike that thing you tried to get me to watch where someone vacuum-bagged a kitten, only you didn't play scary music to make me afraid of the kitten.

Don't watch this. And don't watch that, either. It's called "Don't F**k with Cats," don't watch it.

[lastingletter]

If you've been sent this, I've sent it to you because there are some things that I have to tell you that are, for maybe obvious reasons, not things I would choose to publicly say. 

From his late teenage years to his early twenties, Gus suffered from severe mental health problems, manifesting in both depression but also severe social anxiety. As you will know, this lead to Gus choosing to self medicate himself using drugs. Towards the end of his life, I am proud to say Gus was in a vastly different state of both health and happiness compared to the years prior. Not only had he all but eradicated his drug use bar a few "social pops", but he had truly returned to himself and his own mind. He was very active with myself and our family and was genuinely thriving in how much traction his life was getting. 

Gus was however in a position where he was able to reflect a lot on his past years, and the friends he had either lost contact with or ostracized. Early on it was his poor judgement and general life choices getting in the way, however as he got better it became far more about his regret in letting his close friends go and how ashamed he was in how he had spent those years. 

Gus communicated both to me and our mum how much he missed his friends and how he couldn't find a way of being able to reconcile, answer messages, and generally patch up mistakes he had made. My personal view is that he wanted to properly get his life back on track with passing his driving test and getting his new job under his belt for a few months before being in a position where he had things in his life he was proud of and that others would accept him for. 

Whilst I am immensely proud of all the work he had done over the last couple of years, circumstances have meant he never got the recognition he deserved, nor the chance to talk to any of you properly about this. I ask that you remember Gus as the little scamp that he was and hold on to all of the good memories. If you are on the fence about attending the funeral, you would be welcomed completely by me and my whole family, and it would be a joy to see you there. 

Lastly, you are always welcome to contact me directly regarding anything, whether to do with Gus or not. My address is below, and you may come and visit if/whenever you would like. There may be others that would find peace in this note so you have my permission to share it to those specific people, you will know if it is in good faith. 

All my love,

Tom

3 Parc Behan Court

Veryan Green

Roseland

TR2 5PB

[wa-kaizen]

You as a celebrity | PAC

I am aware many people might find this topic to be interesting, so I wanted to see where this will lead us! I hope all of you have fun, and please remember to don't take anything to the heart!

if you will like this reading, please consider looking at my paid services!

1 -> 2 -> 3 ->

₍₍...₎₎ ꒰ ❛ table of contents ❜ ꒱

┊how you start out

┊your first celebrity friends

┊work history

┊reputation

┊fans

┊rumours

┊how your career will end

pile one ૮(ˊ ᵔ ˋ)ა

stayc - girl with the cap -

cards; knight of wands, nine of pentacles, six of wands, monkey, dolphin, cow, archangel roquiel, archangel bhokpi, archangel metatron

꒰  how you start out ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

Okay so! I do think you would have it a bit rough, but you would start out with a pretty decent company/employer. You know, not super rich but also not on the verge of bankruptcy. You would actually need to work very hard because I do not think that at first you would be on the level as other artists in your industry. Which is completely okay, it's normal, everyone starts out from somewhere and if you wouldn't have any talent you wouldn't be there in the first place. Though, I do think this would weight you down a little. You would for sure have to put on a fake smile - very believable one too at that - even though you are weighted down. You might find yourself comparing yourself to others a lot, especially people who have been in the industry for longer, not realising that they have far more experiment than you. This would go away after 1 year - & 2 months - after you start. You would get a bigger accomplishment - a win, a trophy, a privilege, a bigger sell, something like that. -

꒰  first celebrity friends ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

Honestly, at first, you wouldn't have any. Sorry to be harsh, but that's the reality of it, you would have a hard time fitting in, although you would get along well with your colleagues. Not friendly, but you would be treated nice by them. I feel like you might be in a depressive state because it won't be like anything you imagined and the friends you had will slowly fade away. So you would be very lonely and alone in the beginning. Although, as you get to shine more and get more confident in yourself you would gain new friends, and have a closer relationship with the people you look up to. They wouldn't really care about your money, they would be the same list level celebrities as you, and a bit higher. You would earn them because you would become more confident in yourself and take care of your mental health more. Complete 180 if you will. The key is really just taking care of yourself and loving yourself a lot, and not shying away from social situations. That will really help you.

꒰  work history ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

i feel like you would start out really young, as a teenager, about 17? - if you are past that age, don't worry. if you are younger please take care of your mental health. - i honestly think you would have 3 dollars and a dream. you will be pretty famous in the country you will start out from, but not internationally, maybe, just maybe in your home country too if you are a foreigner in that country. You would have to work really hard, but I think after you get to the generic popularity you were aiming for you will stop trying. You will not work harder and you will not try to face new challenges, it will just stay constant and an ever lasting fame, that would be the cause of you not being a popular celebrity, just a well known one. It's not a bad thing though, you would have more peace to yourself and would be able to be more free and less limited compared to the people in your field. Especially with your words! I do feel like you would be most well known and talked about in your early and mid twenties though.

꒰  reputation ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

You would be viewed as very kind and sweet by many, but also as problematic, strict and rude. There would be two sides of the coin, and the general public would choose the worse one. You made a mistake once, and now they are nitpicking you, and constantly blaming you for things. The people you hang around would affect this too, your friends to be exact. You would be blamed for their mistakes. And your company would set you up too because they would see the attention that comes with people bullying you and constantly misunderstanding you, so they would make you do problematic things on purpose. They wouldn't tell you it's problematic though, so you will do it and also so your excuses will be empty by time. The biggest one with this would be with cultural appropriation.

꒰  fans ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

They would actually be very sweet and understanding people! They would adore you a lot for your talent, feel sorry for you and also relate to you in many ways. There would be protest at least once about demanding your company to treat you better. The things they do wouldn't be a secret infront of your fans, infact they would try to spread the truth. A bunch of very hard working lovely people, who are just like you in different fonts. I can see them sharing the same feelings and emotions as you did once, at the beginning of your career. They might be a little bit depressed and find comfort in you. And they also try to do their best to help people and be a good example in general to everyone they can! I am also sensing a lot of grey eras so maybe they have a very complex way of thinking that's more mature compared to other fan bases. I feel like your fans are mostly older too, in their twenties.

꒰  rumours ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

s*x scandal, bullying scandal, smoking - ? - , racist, rumoured to be really rude and a victim of evil editing/hosting

꒰  career end ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

it will simply not end, you will always be talked about. even if you give up, even if you retire, even if you die, people will keep talking about you. you will always be known as someone who lived.

that's it pile one, thank you for reading.

pile two ૮ • ﻌ - ა

cards; judgement, four of wands, balance, donkey, goat, bat, lord wywysil, archangel mariel, cherubim

꒰  how you start out ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

Not gonna lie, you would never have to worry about fame, or not being able to achieve your goals. I feel like you would work in a group instead of alone unlike pile one. It will already kind of be set in stone for you, you would already have a base of fans waiting for you to get going, to publish something. So, that's that. You also wouldn't have to carry every weight alone, I can see you being very happy with your group and having a lot of fun, smiling and being happy. You would have 2 close friends and a very good friendship with the rest of the people. - though, i feel like this group is smaller than a group of 10 - You would honestly not have anything to worry about, everything would be taken care off for you.

꒰  first celebrity friends ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

They would be people around your age for sure! There wouldn't be anyone you are per se become instantly close with but you would make a lot of friends! Not a lot of them would be genuinely though, just a bunch. Some would want clout, some would want romantic involments, only a few would actually be genuinely interested about you, even though you wouldn't start out insane type of famous, they would be able to tell that you will be very much so an a-list celebrity so they would want to cling onto that. However! Your actual friends would love you a lot and would constantly try to help you and share some genuine happy moments with you.

꒰  work history ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

Honest to God, you would most likely constantly have a very reliable and solid career, always popular, always relevant, always gaining attention. However I feel like that down the road, 3-4 years to be exact, one of your coworkers would either pass away or get very injured and it would become a tragedy. I had a vision of it having to do something with a car. It would be targeted, and probably a person that's closer to you? It's the downside of fame. Sick people would always surround you. It would send the group on a minimum of 1 year hiatus. I am trying to keep this neutral but not going to lie this one is a strong music related group

꒰  reputation ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

You would actually be seen as an angel! You would be viewed as very kind, well mannered, funny and up to trend! Honestly it would be especially because of the love of your fans that people hype you up. Of course, you would still be viewed as very cool regardless of that. Strong emphasis on the funny tho, you sound like a mood maker, even without trying. Someone playful that gets along with everybody yet knows their line and keeps boundaries. Someone emotionally intelligent and very sociable. No one would really have any kind of major problems with you from what I am sensing. It boy/it girl/it nonbinary pal! Very lovely, you wouldn't allow fame to get in your head and you would keep being yourself.

꒰  fans  ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

Honestly? A little childish. In a way it makes sense for their age, not in a harmful way. Would be known for being funny but a little dumb. Reminds me of NCTzens tbh. One thing about them? They are going to be supportive !!! You got a birthday cake? Happy birthday bro!!! You have a s/o??? Drop the love stories or else 🔫 They would love you to the moon and back and most of them a very healthy relationship with the fact that they admire you. They would support you a lot and 'break 4th walls' quite often, very self aware and such a fun fandom. They also support your work a lot, and talk about it any chance they get. Honestly just lovely youth that are all a little different but get hype when it comes to you. Very creative too honestly. They might sometimes lie for no reason tho. It's funny.

꒰  rumours ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

gay bar, leaving someones house after a looooong night of being in there, leaking a song, not being able to keep a secret, showering with your friend lmfao

꒰  career end ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

won't really end, you will just always be more popular with people that are around your age/are in your age group ^^

that's it pile two, thank you for reading.

pile three ૮₍๑•ˑก₎ა

cards: the fool, seven of swords, page of pentacles, rhinoceros, kangaroo, dove, archangel mary, archangel butyalil, archangel hope

꒰  how you start out ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

At first you would be very well liked, which would last like 4-6 months. You would be very hype, well liked and would always know when to and how to make the mood. I am pretty sure you would have an insanely good start and many people would like you for your talents and your charisma. Your looks too. I think the problem would occur when you would get too ahead of yourself and cause trouble. Do something that completely ruins your reputation. I am not sure what it is, or if you would fully be responsible for it, but it would have a pretty big damage on your career and you would loose stuff.

꒰  first celebrity friends ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

Your very first friends would be people from the same company as you! Or label, at least. They would try their best to get along with you and treat you friendly. The people who you would connect with the most is your teammates. Not sure how, but you would definitely have some. The people who you would create with would be the closest to you. Although, they too, would not side with you after your incident.

꒰  work history  ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

I am not going to lie, your career reminds me of Jay Park's a lot. He was in a very great idol group, messed up, then became a very successful ceo and even has two labels. You too will experience something of the sort. Because believe it or not, you will come back from the deep ends and shine really bright. You would get way more far and most people ever would, getting yourself more and more up from the depth. You would do expectationally good in your field, and a lot of people would have deep respect for you. Especially those who are younger than you and people in your age group. You might even become rich, and I don't say that lightly. You have both the talent, smarts and mental strength to do so.

꒰  reputation ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

You would be seen as someone very charismatic and cool. You would actually become the role model of many people. Someone charismatic, hardworking, well spoken and intelligent who learns from their mistakes. You would be known for the good mood you are able to create around you and that you are very well liked by everyone around you. Someone that's not scared to be themselves let that be a happy or sad experience. Someone open with their emotions and feelings and aren't afraid to express if there is injustice happening infront of their eyes, yet they are easy going and a chill person in general.

꒰  fans  ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

They are here for a fun time, not a long time. Not much to say, very chill and live in the day people, they focus on the present. They actually don't engage in fanwars and are very mature, they just want to vibe and enjoy whatever it is that you do in peace. They might connect more than other fandoms! They use your work as a form of relaxer and letting go of stress, not to as an extreme hobby if that makes sense.

꒰  rumours ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

something related to mental health, injurying someone seriously, being violent, hitting kids

note; i feel like the haters will make a lot of fake rumours about you with fake evidence.

꒰  career end ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯

you will announce that you will be stepping back actually! you would still be talked about and respected once you step down, your life would just be more chill. you would even still get money from your projects.

that's it pile three, thank you for reading.

[feifiefofum]

violet evergarden the movie: review reaction thing because feelings were felt

look man, here there will be spoilers, so read at your own peril i guess.

they start this off with ann’s descendant so right off the bat, you were in for emotions. like, we was primed to feel shit, and i was crying like a little bitch because i get emotional easily and the cold hard shock of basically having the movie grab me by the throat to choke slam me back to that episode of the anime was fucking dirty kyoani.

i applaud you. well done. i’m ready to watch this movie through my own tears so well played.

this movie is a roller coaster of emotions. i recently re-watched the whole series, the anime and the previous movie so i was well and truly refreshed with the feels of everything that whole series brought about. and then the movie hit me in the gonads with violet leaving leiden after she was 18 and i was like, no. uh-uh, you’re not-

to quote a vulcan, i was emotionally compromised.

wth happened, did she die?? i can’t stand that thought. i had an inkling that major gilber bouganvillea was alive, so does she die on a rescue mission? what the hell movie, you can’t set this shit up like this and expect me to be composed.

but i trusted the movie and just kept watching, but my mind was going to some dark places and the series deftly played my emotions like a fiddle. i will admit, i’m pretty prone to emotional manipulation by media of all stripes, so the complexity of playing my emotions was less fiddle and more kazoo, but the music would be breathtaking all the same.

there’s a bit of setup to the movie to work our emotions even harder, and violet’s as well. because where once she was an unfeeling vulcan, she’s now a very, very depressed traumatized 18 year old.

we often forget how young violet is, because she’s a bad bitch that could kill a man six feet away as soon as look at them. which the movie reminds us of when she nearly kills dietfried, gil’s brother, when he comes to the postal office to return her hair ribbon.

she may be cute, she may be muted in her emotional expression, and she may have difficulty with social cues, but she ptsded all up in that cute blond head of hers and it is complicated up there to say the least.

now i know a lot of people view violet and gilbert’s relationship in a romantic light. as in love and marriage and all of that. i do not. for one, this is a grown man, a major in the army, and a whole adult in his late twenties, early thirties at least. violet was a teen at best, i’d say 15 to 17 at latest. say the war was a year long, she comes out of it at 16 and you’re all gonna say a traumatized teen and a nearly thirty year old man who is her commanding officer should be romantically involved? i’m not even going to go in about fraternizing among those in the same chain of command is very bad, with a power difference that’s heavily in the majors favor and she saw herself as his tool because he was the first one to be kind to her.

this is not a good romantic base for anyone, even if we take the whole war thing out. this is at best an okay base for a paternal child relationship though. and that’s being extremely generous.

major gilbert is a good man placed in a bad situation and terribly traumatized by it. he saw a child prodigy of war and instead of seeing a weapon like his brother, he saw a child that needed protecting and he tried his best to protect her. he knew that he had to use her or she would be assigned to someone else who would use her witout hesitation and he can not trust others to have her best interests at heart. so he used her reluctantly to best effect and tried to build a foundation for her future. another commanding officer would have sent her to take down enemy encampments but would not have taken the time to give her a name, teach her how to read of write, include her in his will or even look out for her in case of his death by trying to place her with the evergarden family. or have lieutenant colonel hodgins look after her.

in her life, violet has had three father figures. dietfried bouganvillea was mildly traumatized by violet on their first meeting. violet probably stowed away on his boat for food and shelter, was found and proceeded to kill a lot of people to get away and was caught. his rough treatment of her was understandable. despicable, but understandable. gilbert tried to raise her as more than a weapon, would’ve preferred not to use her at all, but circumstances dictated that if he didn’t make use of her, someone else will. and so he made the best of a bad situation, tried to teach her how to be a proper human being, placed the building blocks for compassion and love inside of her. to put it simply, violet was like a feral animal child. if she were to be compared to a robot, she installed ‘survival’ and ‘combat prowess’ software to survive her harsh living conditions. gilbert was told to aim said combat droid at the enemy and if he wouldn’t do it, she’d be given to someone else. so he did, but in his off time he worked on loading her with human social cues into her software. which is like trying to load mac software into an android or something meaning it’s a foreign language that she’s barely grasping. it’s like first contact. but gilbert made and built enough of a foundation for hodgins, who circumstances permitted to be an actual good father figure to violet. he completed the install of human emotions and relationships into violet using his company and employees and did his dadest impression to a tee.

i’m not trying to say gilbert was a bad man, definitely not. but his circumstances did not permit him to be a good man. i’d think hodgins would’ve done something similar, tried to educate and care for violet as best he could, but circumstances would’ve been the same.

both of these men would have been sending a child soldier into a war zone. that’s a morally indefensible thing. it could be understood by the circumstances, but still, indefensible.

but what choice would anyone else have had? if gilbert didn’t do it, a less morally upright person would’ve. dietfried did, and he was gilbert’s brother. you could refuse those orders, not send her into combat, but she throws herself in to be useful to him because that’s her understanding of the world and that’s what she knows how to do, and if you protest she gets passed on to the next officer who would and what good would that do her? at least you’re going to try to treat her right, the next guy might not. and in the company of so much men at war with not another female in sight, well, on the front-line, these guys might be a little backed up. and that’s another traumatizing horror to shield her from.

but the problem with having a conscience is that you don’t get out of sending a child into a war zone without some scars. a lot of people wonder at batman’s no killing rule and go wtf, but killing another person scars the soul. doing bad things when you have a conscience should be traumatizing, you feel guilty about it, no matter how it could be justified. they’re emotions, they don’t always make sense.

and gilbert, who loves violet as a father would his child can not, could not reconcile with the fact that he did such a horrible thing to this precious girl and could not see the good that he did for her. you can point out all the reading rainbow stuff that he did for her, but how can that negate the horrifying reality of him knowingly sending a child out into an active war zone to close with and kill other human beings? how does reading rainbow and buying a brooch for her make up for dying her hands in blood? for getting her arms shot off?

basically, you don’t get to be a good man when you’ve sent a child into a war zone despite your best efforts to the contrary and frankly i can’t disagree. it was a complex situation, but he could’ve run away with her, did many things differently, been a better man, but that would mean abandoning his command, and his command’s men. he had those responsibilities to contend with as well.

basically a hot mess.

major gilbert bouganvillea did his best and the trauma that he was scarred with is every bit as valid as violet’s own. i do believe i estimated violet’s age at the higher end here, and i have no idea how long the war lasted. it could’ve been a year, a couple of months, or even more. ww1 was 4 years long. ww2 was 6 years long. violet came up to the bottom of gilbert’s chest when they first met and can now comfortably tuck her head under his chin while standing. not sure how tall the average young lady of 18 compares to a fully grown man in leiden is, but uh, that’s young and she tiny, probably from malnutrition, lean diets, and feral foraging.

the main thrust of what i’m trying to get at here is that violet was a child that came into gilbert’s care and he loved that child and tried to raise her as best he could in the shittiest of shitty situations. that violet came out of it ptsded as she is, is a testament to gilbert’s effort to treating her with as much dignity and kindness as he could dispense given his circumstances. hodgins finishes the job, becomes the most overprotective nervous bestest dad that doesn’t even have biological children ever, and risks brig time by laying hands on an admiral. i love hodgins, but he would not have gotten very far in raising violet as he did without the foundation that gilbert laid down in the shitstorm of a war.

the movie explored the complexity of a child parent relationship three times in the movie. i’m pretty sure that gilbert/violet is less man and woman, and more father and daughter. there’s the complication of ann’s granddaughter feeling like her own mother was absent in her life because mom had a lot of responsibilities as a doctor. there’s a dying child feeling that his parents were devoting more attention to his younger brother than to him, the older brother. there’s violet and all her father figures from dietfried to gilbert and finally to hodgins.

violet’s feelings towards gilbert are portrayed in a romantic light but not in the sense that they should get married, but in the sense that it’s kinda idealized. a good man that did his best to do right by a child that he doesn’t have any real responsibility for other than his brother gave her to him. he could’ve passed the buck, said no and gotten her taken from him, shirked his duties and betrayed his men and country- there were options and he tried to thread the needle of morality navigating the terrain of good and evil as best he could for an indefinite amount of time, day in and day out. that he came out of that hell this mentally sound is a testament indeed.

but honestly, this is a father/daughter relationship here. no judgement if you, y’know, ship it ship it. but there’s a reason why usagi drop only got animated as far as it did. violet/gilbert is definitely a solid father/daughter relationship in my eyes.

but yes, this was a very good movie that explored some very emotionally charged themes of trauma and parent/child relationships. 24 teardrops outta 10, would recommend for an emotionally charged experience.

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

What Fresh Hell?: Part Two

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Word Count: ~1.7k

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill, fluff and angst, talk of child pornography, talk of sexual abuse with children

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there is any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated.

Feedback is gold, and it’s the only currency I take

Billie’s father is seen parking in the driveway, and even from where you’re at, you can feel how angry he is. He turns this whole blue energy of the house into a light purple. Both red and blue mix to create a whole mess of emotions. He’s not right in the head either, but that’s clearly not going to stop him from marching in here. As soon as he does, him and Billie’s mother just go at it.

“I have been calling you all night!” she yells.

“I'm sorry, Marilyn. I turned my phone off.”

“How could you turn your phone off? What if Billie got sick or—we needed you!”

“I said I was sorry!” he groans.

She slaps his arm and gives an angry scoff. She turns away and leaves the room. Thankfully, William stays put to give her time to cool off.

“What's being done to find my daughter?”

“We're assessing that right now,” you answer.

“She's been missing since yesterday! What the hell have you people been doing since then?!”

“Where have you been, Mr. Copeland?” Gideon wonders.

“Me?”

“Where were you all day and all night?”

“I have a cabin in Brandywine Valley,” he says, but that doesn’t tell you where he’s been this entire time.

“The police tried you there.”

“Well, maybe I was out at the time.”

“Billie tried your cell phone yesterday afternoon. You didn’t answer then,” you comment.

“Well, I shut it off sometimes. I like the solitude.”

“You didn't fight your wife for custody of your daughter, but you like being in her life,” Gideon rattles off the facts.

He wants to make him nervous. It’s working.

“I want her to grow up in her home with her friends around. This is the only place she's ever lived.”

“So, you love her very much.”

“Yes.”

“Why do you waste any precious time we have left?” Gideon sighs and cuts to the chase for this is taking too long. “You weren't at your cabin. You weren't at work or with friends. Police didn't call us until a little while ago because they thought your daughter might have been with you—that you might have taken your daughter. Until you can give us a satisfactory accounting of your whereabouts from the time your daughter went missing until—would you help me understand why a devoted father who talks to his daughter every night suddenly turns his phone off and disappears for almost twenty-four hours?”

“I was… busy,” he hesitates.

“It was 1:30 in the afternoon. You called your wife at 11:30 that morning and found out Billie was missing.”

“So?”

“Well, Brandywine Valley is fifteen minutes away. Where were you, Mr. Copeland?”

William knows he’s been caught, so he chooses the right option to tell the truth. He sighs heavily and sits down with a long and tired look on his face.

“I—I was at Sloane Kettering hospital in New York City. Dr. Baylan Mahal is the head of Oncology. You can call him if you want.”

“I will. Did you have a relapse?”

“It's in my lymph nodes now. There's nothing more they can—” he cuts himself off. “Please find my daughter. Find my daughter.”

“Call Sloane Kettering,” Gideon instructs of you.

“Yes sir,” you say, already taking out your phone.

The bad news is that Sloane Kettering vouched for William, confirming he was with them the entire day with proof through cameras as well as the sign in sheet. If he didn’t take his own daughter, then that means it really is a stranger abduction—most likely. The good news is that Derek, Elle, and Hotch did have something when they returned from the park. You didn’t want to upset the parents even more, so you had a small meeting on their lawn as soon as they arrived.

“What do we know?” Gideon asks as he jogs up to the rest of the group.

“We talked to a kid who had contact with the unsub. He came back to the same street more than once,” Hotch informs.

“Well that tells us he's at ease in the neighborhood—comfortable talking to kids in plain view,” you fit the pieces together.

“He lured Billie with a story about a lost dog.”

“She recently lost one of her own.”

“That indicates previous knowledge of the victim,” Spencer says.

“But it doesn't necessarily mean that she knew him personally. This only means he's aware,” you counteract.

“Actually, it's not uncommon for predators like these to know the kids that live around his area. He’s from this neighborhood.”

“Then we go door to door and ask for voluntary searchers,” Detective Russet speaks up.

“The neighborhood is already crawling with uniforms. They're everywhere. Having more searchers is only going to make the man who did this go into hiding,” you point out.

“So far, you followed the child abduction response plan to the letter,” Gideon trails off.

“For the past few hours, yes,” the detective nods.

“So now we need to move past the guidelines and change tactics. If we don't, Billie isn't gonna make it past the next twenty-four hours. I want you to corral these clowns,” Gideon points to all of the news cameras. “We're gonna need 'em—all of 'em.”

Before you can deal with the press, it’s about time to give the profile. Usually, you’d have more time to put one together, but Billie is very high risk. If you don’t put one out now, she could die sooner rather than later. Every single cop that’s around this area is in one room, listening to your team give the profile. Each and every one of them are listening intently, taking down notes as you go along.

“Billie Copeland has been missing for twenty-two hours. It is vital that we locate her in the first twenty-four,” Gideon starts off.

“The unknown subject, or unsub, in this case is most likely a resident of one of the subdivisions around the park. We have cancelled the amber alert. We need to coordinate with all your officers to pull everyone off the street immediately,” Hotch explains.

“That’s fucking crazy,” a random officer scoffs.

“Just hear us out—”

“But it goes against court procedure. You guys wrote the damn thing.”

“Actually, Carp is just a guideline for immediate response to child abduction. Believe it or not, we're already late in the game, and we do know enough about this unsub to know that if he feels like we're closing in on him at all, he will kill Billie to avoid detection. If anything, we need to lessen the pressure on him,” Spencer spits out.

“This man fits in because nobody knows what he is. Can we really know our neighbors? He walks his dog and does yard work. Solitary activities appeal to him. However, if you watch closely, you'll see he pays a little too much attention to the neighborhood kids. Largely goes unnoticed because he isn't perceived as a threat. He’s a white male in his late twenties to thirties. He has a menial or temporary job and is socially marginalized and frustrated. He relates better to kids than he does to adults. It’s not his first offense to children, but it is his first abduction,” you explain.

“How do you know that?” Detective Russet asks.

“First-timers hunt closer to home. Experienced predators don't.”

“He's had a recent stressor—a job loss or other setback. Unable to maintain a normal relationship, he'll have extensive pornographic materials in his home and on his computer. And while they won't all involve children, some of them definitely will,” Hotch takes over.

“Since he used the missing dog ruse, and we believe him to be a regular fixture of the neighborhood, it's quite possible that he truly does own—or did at one point—own a dog named Candy. We recommend cross-checking veterinary records with residents in the neighborhood,” Spencer says.

“He will not inject himself into this investigation.”

“Don't these guys like to know what the cops know?” the detective says.

“No, not this type of unsub. He's hiding. He doesn't know what anyone saw. He doesn't know if there's any information about him out there. He's unlikely to walk in and ask us, ‘can I help you?’. But I can guarantee you he will be watching the news. So, how we handle them is very important,” Gideon stresses.

“Check your canvass records. One of you may have had contact with him in the early stages.”

“What about registered sex offenders?”

“We've got somebody working on that right now.”

“Okay, ladies and gentlemen, everyone clear on that? Good luck. Thank you,” Gideon closes this meeting out.

Derek immediately leaves off to the side to call Penelope to have her work her magic touch on the already growing pile of suspects. You’re scheduled to go back to Mrs. Copeland’s house with Elle just to make sure she and her ex-husband are doing alright. Before you do that, however, you walk over to Spencer who is kind of all by his lonesome.

“Hey, how are you holding up?” you ask.

“Could be better. What about you?”

“Same. This is just going to be another nightmare to add to my list,” you sigh sadly.

“Do you dream of children often?”

“It’s a lot less than what you’d think it’d be. I swear this job never gets easier. When I agreed to take this job when Gideon offered it, I was ecstatic. I thought I’d really make a difference.”

“But you are—”

“No, I’m not,” you cut him off. “All I get are some victims that are saved, and a shit ton of nightmares to follow it. The payoff is actually worse if I think about it. Just as I’m about to collapse from extreme depression, I think of this team. I think of you and Penelope and JJ and Derek. I think of kids like Billie. I think of everything good that comes out of these cases. While there isn’t much, I try to hold onto the good as tightly as I can in hopes some of it will rub off on me, you know?”

“Try going through life with an eidetic memory.”

“Bless your heart, Dr. Spencer Reid. Seriously. You’re doing a great job if it means anything.”

“It does. Thank you,” he smiles shyly but brightly.

“Y/N, come on!” Elle calls for you.

“Duty calls. Save that smile for me when I get back, yeah?” you flirt.

You’re already gone before Spencer can come up with anything clever to say. All he’s getting are flushed cheeks and a fuzzy brain. You actually make him forget what he’s about to do… and that’s saying something.

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[qqueenofhades]

pel!ivan and fedyor went through a lot of ups and some downs from the end of pel and 2021 but they also celebrated 10 years together 🥳 i hope fedyor shoved cake into ivan’s face and also you know, im sure they were mushy like the saps they are

Ivan was supposed to be out of here ten minutes ago – actually, at this point, more like twenty – but the clients are still fucking talking, and if they keep it up much longer, he’s going to add it to the bill for “initial consultation.” Drew has a man-bun and unbearably hip black glasses, and works as a developer for some start-up app that he’s tried to convince Ivan to download at least twelve times. (What does the app actually do? Don’t know don’t care.) Mia is thin, blonde, waifish, smells like essential oils, and has been flitting around with her smartphone the entire time, getting in Ivan’s way as she snaps perfectly filtered pictures of the “developmental process” and posts them nonstop on Instagram. They both have a lot of opinions on how they want the energy of the space to feel, and a preapproved list of ethically sourced suppliers. They have paid some ludicrous price for this converted loft in Prospect Heights and chose the location for its proximity to the best farmer’s markets and hippie coffeehouses. Did Ivan die? Is this hell?

Somewhat ostentatiously, he looks at his watch. “Okay,” he announces. “I think that wraps up. You have work number, so – ”

“Oh, just one more thing!” Drew has recently read one (1) book on home design and thinks he’s an expert, so Ivan is forced to suffer his idiotic opinions about the kind of tile they want to use on the kitchen backsplash. Somehow, he manages not to roll his eyes directly out of his head, for which he should be commended. Ivan has discovered that the secret of successfully dealing with people, especially clients, is to smile and nod at everything they say, while mercilessly mocking them in your head. Amazing, the things you learn as a small-business owner in Brooklyn in the year of our lord 2021. Especially when it comes to renovating overpriced tiny gentrified apartments for insufferable techno-douchebags and their vapid influencer girlfriends. And people think Ivan might want to live like this more often? No fucking thank you.

Finally (it’s another ten minutes after that, this is definitely going on the bill), they more or less wrap up, except for the fact that Mia then wants a picture with the three of them. “It’s just so important to us that we’re supporting the immigrant community,” she explains earnestly. “After all, being open, tolerant, learning from our neighbors, people who are different from us, that’s what life is all about. We just love that you’re foreign. The energy feels so right, you know?”

Ivan wonders whether to inform her that he has lived in this country for eight years and been a full citizen (passport and voting rights and everything) for three, then decides that this would venture into sharing-personal-information territory and he is having none of it. His English has improved to the point where he can handle almost all business transactions by himself, but feigning incomprehension can sometimes get him out of them when they turn really stupid. Unfortunately, that isn’t an option here, and so he diligently leans into the frame, smiling half an inch, while Mia snaps a picture of “us and our adorable Russian contractor!!” Ivan informs her of the correct flag emoji to add to the filter, decides that he’s going to add an extra fifty bucks just for that, and finally, finally, makes his escape.

It’s rush hour, and the Q is crammed as Ivan heads into midtown. So much for social distancing and not getting too close to anyone, which is the only thing from the pandemic that he wouldn’t mind keeping. Only about half the crowd is wearing masks, including him, and so he gets off at Times Square, dodges the latest lunatic standing on a soapbox and shouting about how it is all a hoax, and walks several blocks uptown, just to get some space. He finally reaches the restaurant, where he has to flash his vaccination card to get inside (Ivan, who remains Russian to the marrow of his bones, is a little irked that he couldn’t get Sputnik here and had to settle for Pfizer) and climbs up to the open-air rooftop terrace. It is only when he spots his husband, waiting at a table that overlooks the glittering evening lights of the city, when Ivan pulls off his mask and allows himself to properly smile. “Sorry I’m late,” he says. “They are the worst.”

“I figured it was something like that.” Fedyor musters a smile in return, though his eyes look permanently tired these days and Ivan would bet that he’s been scrolling through more depressing emails on his phone. Technically Fedyor is on a two-month sabbatical from work, but he can’t stop himself, and Ivan has had to pry it from his fingers on a number of occasions. “But you’re here now. That’s what matters.”

Ivan nods stoutly, they are furnished with the drinks and appetizers list, and when the waiter asks if there’s any special occasion tonight, tell him that they are celebrating their ten-year anniversary, albeit somewhat late. This was supposed to happen last spring, but obviously, nobody in New York was going out to a restaurant in the early months of 2020, and Ivan himself had barely gotten home from the hospital and still could be knocked over in a strong breeze. They’re celebrating a lot of things tonight, in other words, even if it’s now been eleven years, not ten, since the day Ivan marched into a Red Square coffee shop and engaged in – well, Fedyor has made sure to inform him that the first date didn’t go nearly as well as Ivan always thought it did. But it worked, didn’t it? Here they are, wedding bands on their fingers, a couple of successful American urban professionals who have built a nice life for themselves and are, if anything, even more madly in love than they were when this whole nutty adventure together first began. So really, if you ask Ivan Sakharov Kaminsky, it went just fine after all.

The waiter congratulates them, gives them two drinks for the price of one, and they both relax and start to talk, fully at ease in the way they only are in each other’s company. Ivan does his Mia impression in an extremely convincing falsetto (after all, [NAME REDACTED] has practice at this) and Fedyor almost dies laughing. They hold hands on the table – no need to hold them under the table – and gaze into each other’s eyes all they want, order dinner and dessert, and take a long time about it. They raise several toasts to this, to them, to ten years, may there be many more. Ivan pays the bill, his treat, and they walk slowly back to Times Square, hand-in-hand, Fedyor’s head nestled on Ivan’s shoulder. It’s New York. Nobody cares.

They ride the Q home, in all its smelly, secondhand glory, taking an hour to bang out to Brighton Beach and descending the elevated stairs into the familiar down-at-heel comfort of their Russian-American neighborhood, neon Cyrillic signs glowing in windows and somebody shouting about how if Sergei ever shows his face here again, she is going to cut his dick off. Ivan and Fedyor look at each other and snort, resisting the urge to shout up and ask what exactly Sergei did, and walk a few more minutes to their building. They climb up three flights of stairs to their apartment, unlock the door and the deadbolt, and step inside.

The instant they are home, Rasputin shoots out of nowhere, yowling as if he has been neglected for months, and curls himself around Ivan’s ankles (he is still liable to give Fedyor evil looks when he feels that this interloper has been stealing his human too often). Ivan sighs, trudges to the kitchen, points out to Rasputin that his food bowl is still half full, gets a wounded look in return, and adds an extra scoopful. Once the cat is happily snarfing down, Fedyor pulls Ivan by the hand, into the dim living room with its blowing curtains. “Come here, my love,” he says. “Hold me.”

Ivan does as ordered, because it’s his favorite thing in the world: cuddling Fedyor close, nothing but the two of them in all of time and space, swaying slowly in the blue hour with fingers and arms and hearts entwined. Ivan kisses Fedyor’s temple, and Fedyor nestles even closer, melted into his embrace. “I love you, Vanya,” he mumbles against Ivan’s collarbone. “I love you so much. I love you more than anything in the world. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“I love you too, Fedya.” Ivan leans down and kisses him properly, sweet and slow and lingering, as they continue to waltz in stately time to a music that nobody except the two of them can hear. “I’m still not always sure why you married me, but I am very glad you did.”

[imaginarypeteel]

Back In The Firehouse

Mateo Chavez x reader

Fandom: 911: Lone Star

Summary: You're a former member of the old 126. You survived the explosion but weren't as lucky as Judd. You're half deaf now and can't go on the field again but still want to see what the new station looks like.

Word count: 5k

You pushed your hair back as you stood in front of the new 126. You and Judd had kept some contact but you both had been too depressed and had grown distant.

You had grown used to your new life as someone with a hearing disability. Getting a new job was hard since you didn't like deskjob much and were more hands on type of person. So you became a social worker. Helping people with hearing disabilities.

You felt a tug on your left hand and looked down. Your aid dog, Prince - a massive mongrel who people often mistook as a Kangal shepherd - was looking at you. "Alright, let's go," you said as you started to walk towards the firehouse.

As you stepped in you realized how different this place was now. It was shiny and posh and everything that old 126 wasn't.

You thought you heard a call and got confirmed when Prince set his forepaw onto your knee. The woman looked around before doing a 180°.

There was a black guy in a firefighter uniform, "Hi! I'm Y/n L/n. I worked here before?" you smiled and introduced yourself.

"Oh! Hi, I'm Paul Strickland and I work here currently," he laughed lightly. "Care to introduce me to the new squad?" you asked with a grin. "Yeah sure, they're in the kitchen."

You followed Paul to the very modern looking kitchen.

The moment you stepped in, you saw a familiar face and before Paul could say anything, the person had seen you too. "Why look what the dog brought in," he grinned and walked up to you. The two of you did a bro hug. The fact that you're a girl didn't matter, you had always been more of a tomboy.

"Judson you corn-fed man are still in the line?" you laughed. "Well someone's gotta look over them."

"You gonna introduce your friend to us, Judd?" a beautiful woman with a hijab asked.

"Right, 126 Y/n L/n, Y/n 126," Judd said. "Well that's accurate," a man with nice blue eyes said with sarcasm and pushed forward, he stretched a hand out to you to shake it, "Captain Owen Strand."

The others in the room had all introduced themselves, you were ready to ask some questions but then their eyes switched to your left. The side you were deaf at. After the accident, you had greatly relied on reading people, so there was probably someone else beside you. You turned to your left and were met with a handsome young guy. His hand was stretched out and he looked shy and was a bit flushed. Probably because you hadn't acknowledged him before. "Sorry sorry, I didn't hear you," you apologized and shook his hand. "Uhm, it's okay, I'm Mateo...Chavez..." You give him a smile and turned back to the others.

Prince had met Buttercup and you could tell that he wanted to play with the fire dog, so you let him go but made sure to keep him in sight. You really needed him, were a little helpless without him.

"So how do you know Judd?" Marjan asked.

"I was a firefighter here before the accident," you explained with a sad smile. "Oh..." You took a deep breath. "Yeah, unlike this guy, I got away with yes life but I also lost ability to hear from my left ear - which is why I couldn't hear you," you looked at Mateo with apologetic eyes and he smiled shyly in return, "and my sight isn't as good in my left eye aswell, I mean I can still see from it but it's a bit blurry, that's all."

"That's why you have Prince?" TK asked with interest, you nodded as a reply.

~~~***~~~

You were teaching Buttercup some tricks with the help of Prince when the crew retreated from a call. By what the dispatcher said, it was a housefire and the smell of burning and sweat that drifted off them proved it.

"How'd it go?" you asked. "Phew," Marjan plopped into a seat near you, "Pretty good, saved a mother and two girls from a housefire," she said as she tried to call Buttercup over but the bernese mountain dog just jogged over to TK. "Oh come on! Does TK ever give you as many treats I do?"

Buttercup didn't react to it but Prince strolled over and sniffed her at the mention of treats. He was a smart dog.

"So guys, I'm going to a bar with Carlos tonight, wanna come with?" TK asked as he rubbed the big dog's chest. "Hmm... Sure, by the way, who's Carlos?" you asked as you yawned slightly. "My boyfriend," TK said proudly, making you nod with a smile. You for some reason had always become so happy at the mention of gay couples. You couldn't explain it. "I'll come too!" Mateo chirped. The others agreed to come too, Judd saying he'll take Grace along.

~~~***~~~

You looked at yourself in the mirror. Black leather pants tightly around your legs, white v-neck and a black leather jacket to cover it all. Fashion hadn't ever been really your thing. You were more of a 'throw on whatever's the cleanest' type but right now, you weren't against the idea of putting in at least some effort. Your hair was loose, that you were not going to change.

You couldn't drive because of your disabilities and couldn't take Prince to the bar, so all of this was making you anxious.

You noticed your phone vibrating on the counter and picked it up. Your Uber driver had arrived. You gave a confused Prince a concerned look. The dog had become a big part of your life and you relied on him a lot. Yes, you had a cat from your early twenties who was a big emotional support but outside, Prince was your rock.

You bent down and the big dog trotted over to you. "Take care of Disney, okay?" you said and kissed his forehead. Of course he didn't understand your words but he knew that you were leaving and not taking him with you, so he too was anxious.

You grabbed your keys and phone and went out the door, locking it.

~~~***~~~

"So Y/n," Mateo said as he sat on the stool beside you, nervously tapping on the bottle of beer. "Hm?" you hummed while taking a sip of whiskey.

"What do you do? Now that... you know," he trailed off awkwardly. "Yeah, I do," you smiled, "I help people with hearing disabilities. Whether kids who are born with it or people who have lost it during life. Help them get back on track and learn to live with it, maybe even give them the list of jobs they could still apply to. Sometimes I even recommend then and get them an interview," you explained.

"Oh wow, that's nice of you," he said while bobbing his head. "Says the guy who gets in all sorts of dangerous situations to save people," you laughed. Mateo smiled but not wide, "Well, actually the others do most of the work, I just lag behind mostly." You rose your brows at that, "Really? Pretty sure I saw you on TV once." The dark-haired man smiled wider at that. "I was just passing out water bottles. Our Captain was getting the real action though."

"Mhm, okay. My best friend was squealing when she saw you to be honest," you laughed at the memory.

~~~***~~~

"Y/n you're telling me you worked with guys like him back in the day?" Evely gasped as she was watching the news. You were just looking over some papers of one of your current patients'. "Hm?" you raised your head at the big screen before looking down again. "Not all of them are like that. Pretty sure he is just a probie," you murmured as a frown stretched on your face. "Oh wow, if a probie looks like that, I imagine what a fireman looks like," Evely moaned which had you cringing. "Caaalm down you little hoe."

The brunette shot you a look before returning to the man on the screen who was handing out water bottles. "Just look at those arms," she squealed.

~~~***~~~

"Really? What did you think of it?" he asked with excitement. "I wasn't really paying attention but while I was in the taxi and driving here, I remembered seeing you there," you grinned. Mateo's smile faltered at that before returning to the wide one. "So you were thinking about me while driving here?" he grinned slyly and moved his upper body closer to yours on the wooden bar. A small blush covered your cheeks and a grin stretched onto your face. Calm down, the kid is still young. Not like you were really old. No, you were just about to hit 30 but still.

"I think about lots of things while I have nothing to do so don't think you're so special," you chuckled and flicked his forehead. He flinched and rubbed his forehead while fake pouting at you.

Mateo's gaze flicked behind you and just as you decided to turn around, you felt a tap on your shoulder. You spun on the stool and came face to face with a familiar woman. "Grace!" you chirped and hugged the dispatcher. "Haven't seen you in a while, how you doing?" the dark-skinned woman asked as she set herself down on the stool beside you. "Well, I have a nice paying job that pays well. No one sick at the moment so medical bills are fine. Have been practicing some new tricks with Prince and well, I'm currently here."

The bartender asked Grace for her order before she could reply, "Porn Star, thank you. Judd?" the man didn't even waste a second before ordering a big glass of beer. You laughed at that and kept sipping your whiskey without any ice or water in it.

"So probie," Judd said as he waited for his beer, dragging Mateo's attention away from you, "Why you trying to swoon Miss Former Probie?" Grace and you giggled at that while Mateo's face changed color. "I-I um, I," the dark haired man stuttered. "I uh..."

"Oh leave him alone, Judd," Grace told her husband playfully.

"Here ya go," the bartender said as he pushed the couple's drinks in front of them. "Thank you," Grace smiled as she dragged the glass so it sat in front of her chest. Judd didn't waste a second to gulp some of his black beer down.

"Rough day? Then that might not be the best drink for that," you laughed while watching the man. He grinned and nodded, "I'm only starting right now, okay? By the end of the night, I'll be having a Bloody Mary with extra vodka and you know it."

~~~***~~~

The others soon started to arrive too. You talked with them yes but mostly spoke with Judd and Grace, Mateo came after them. You didn't realize how much you missed spending time with a fire squad until now and how much you missed your old crew. Luckily you easily rekindled with Judd. He had mostly been the person who taught you everything on the field which was also the reason why you were with him and not near the fire when the accident happened.

A few tears trailed downwards as you thought of your old crew. But then you felt someone touching your left shoulder. Spooked, you snapped your attention to the person, hair whipping at their face in the process. It was Mateo. "Sorry that I startled you!" he immediately apologized with sad puppy eyes. You smiled but rose your left brow when he frowned. "Oh God! Did I startle you that much that you had to cry? I am so so so sorry Y/n!" he apologized over and over again. You laughed lightly as you heard him.

While wiping away the tears with your left hand, you placed your right hand on his cheek, "No no, it isn't your fault. Just remembered....them." After wiping away the tears, your tipsy self looked at him with your head slightly tilted. You rubbed gentle circles on his cheek with your thumb while smiling fondly. He was staring at you with dark eyes full of surprise but hesitantly snuggled his cheek into your hand. "Hey Mateo," you said as you leaned closer to him. He mirrored your movements and started to lean closer, probably thinking he is going to get a kiss. "Wanna go dance?" you grinned at the slight disappointment in his face. He still nodded and got up on his two feet.

The rookie firefighter was surprised by how he swayed a bit and had to grab onto his stool to keep himself from falling over. "Overthought your alcohol tolerance?" you laughed while taking a small sip of the paloma you had ordered before leaping to stand by the younger man. You too had been too confident in yourself and stumbled lightly before regaining balance. "Whoopsies," you giggled and dragged your hair back behind your head with your hand. Mateo gave you a flirty grin while extending his hand, "M'lady? May I have this dance?" he asked while playfully bowing. You squealed at his act and grabbed his hand, "Why yes, kind sir," you replied, playing along. Mateo gripped your hand a bit tighter before going over to the place where Judd and Grace were dancing with only two other couples.

Judd shot a look at the rookie that went unnoticed by you. He on the other hand decided that dancing with you was much more important so he just grabbed a gentle hold of your hips and the two of you simply swayed to the jazz.

You leaned more into him and felt yourself wanting to fall asleep like  this.

~~~***~~~

By the end of it, Mateo had escorted you home. Judd had indeed gotten that Bloody Mary he was talking about and had somehow made you get one too. 1. Your bank account didn't agree with this much. 2. Your mouth was on fucking fire. 3. You wanted milk and you wanted it now. 4. You felt sorta horny but sorta sleepy.

All that had resulted in you moaning at Mateo that you wanted to drink his milk while the two of you drove the taxi. Poor boy was very turned on but resisted it and decided to play innocent.

"I don't have any milk, Y/n. Yes, drop us here... I think. Is this your home?" the man asked you. You lazily turned your gaze outside of the window. Your left eye's sight was currently a complete foggy mess but the other one's was a semi blur. You just hummed even though you didn't really think it through and didn't even try to see the building.

Mateo helped you out of the uber and the two of you stood in front of a white building. You snuggled into the younger man who's arm was wrapped around your shoulder.

When you reached the front door, you resistantly left his cozy side and stepped closer to the door, pulling your keys out of the pocket.

"Okay, so, which apartment is yours?" the rookie asked as you let the front door of the apartment building close, fumbling with the keys, trying to understand which is which. When you didn't answer, he looked at you and was confused. Why weren't you answering?

He then realized that you were leaning on a wall, good ear facing it. He quickly walked over to you, "Y/n, you okay?" he asked with concern. "Yeah, yeah, the wall is just nicely cold." You let out a yawn, finally pushing yourself off the pure white wall. "Second floor," you said, starting to walk up the stairs. Mateo rushed after you and secured his left arm around your waist. He had slowed down on drinks and had even ordered a glass of water, so he was in much better condition than you.

When the two of you reached the second floor, you quickly dragged him to your apartment door. The moment you started jingling with the keys, Mateo heard a clatter of nails against stone floor.

When you opened it, a familiar golden colored giant barged into you and gave you floppy kisses while you laughed. "Ok boy, down," you ordered and the dog immediately followed. His innocent gaze trailed over to Mateo and he stalked to the man, sniffing him like a police K-9 searching for drugs.

"Come in, Matty," you giggled while watching him stand like he had just met gazes with Medusa. The man hesitantly stepped into your apartment and was about to proceed into the living room when you noticed that he was still wearing shoes. "Aaaah! No way! No way are you going anywhere past where I'm standing with your shoes on!" you yelled, startling the younger adult who flinched.

He froze before coming back to stand beside you while you glared at him with your e/c eyes, making him a bit nervous. Prince felt the change in the air and tensed. The big golden dog stepped in front of his owner and he too glowered at the rookie firefighter.

You cracked a small smile as you watched how the dark eyed man took his boots off.

The moment they were placed beside your other shoes, you loosened up, making your dog calmer too. In a matter of three seconds, you were in the kitchen with your pale grey socks letting you slide across the wooden floors.

Mateo placed himself on the couch where a calico cat came to inspect him. "Her name is Disney, while I was working as a firefighter, we found her in housefire. None of the people in the house claimed her as theirs. Probably because she was full of burns and in critical condition. Animal care ain't that cheap ya know. But my heart was hurting for her, so I decided to get her. I was like twenty or twenty-one I think. Don't regret it, she has always been a big emotional support for me," you told him while landing beside him with two glasses of water.

"Sounds lovely," Mateo nodded and took one of the glasses. "Indeed."

Disney climbed over to you and curled up on your chest. As she got comfortable, she started to purr loudly.

You smiled and kissed her forehead. She might be deaf and a little blind because of her injuries from the fire but she knew you loved her with your whole body. She was just like you.

~~~***~~~

When Mateo came to work next time, he was attacked with questions.

"So Probie,  you left with Y/n, what happened after?" Marjan grinned. "Yeah, I wanna know too," Judd said suspiciously.

"N-Nothing happened, she told me about her cat, gave me water and I was going home," the young man stuttered nervously. The crew looked at him, suspicious if he was really telling the truth. "Fine, we'll believe you for now," Marjan said upsetly.

~~~***~~~

Mateo looked up with wonder as he was walking home. The northern lights were really beautiful. Since he had departed with Paul and Marjan, he felt lonely. He wanted to be with someone right now and-

"Mateo!" he looked in front of himself again and saw your familiar form. A smile stretched onto his face, "Y/n!" You had Prince on the leash who was wagging his tail happily at the sight of the man. Over the matter of few months, he had come to completely love the guy.

You surpringly also had Disney on a leash.

The man walked over to you and gave you a tight hug out of nowhere. Yes, you were surprised but still hugged him back.

"It's okay Matty. Anyway, I brought them out to calm them down a bit. Things in my apartment went crazy because of the solar storm. TV put on some crazy metal channel which freaked out Prince and lights started flicking and all sorts of other things that made them both stressed. The floor is probably full of their pee," you sighed and rubbed the part between your eyes tiredly. "Yeah, today was crazy but at least it has had a beautiful ending," the man said as he pointed towards the sky with his nose, still petting your animals.

"Why hello to you too," you said as you pulled back. Mateo smiled shyly, "Yeah yeah, hi." He bent down to greet the animals, Prince giving him kisses and Disney rubbing herself against him. Mateo felt his nose get a little sniffy and let out a sneeze.

"Sorry, I'm actually a bit allergic to cats," he apologized.

When you had made sure the boy got to his parents safely, you tried to call 911 but no luck, your phone decided that despite being 86% few seconds ago, it was at 0% now. So tightly gripping Prince's leash, you had approached the door to your apartment slowly. The door wasn't unlocked, nor had any signs that anyone had touched it in general.

You looked up and nodded slowly, still not smiling. You had been at work with your newest patient - a lovely 9 year old boy named Samuel who lost some of his hearing because he flew with an airplane - when the lights in your office started flicking crazily, scaring both you and your patient. The water machine in the corridor started going off too. Your patient had started crying and you had to calm him down while also trying to make sense of the situation. Then you had gotten a call from one of your neighbors, telling you that there were several crashes in your apartment and that maybe someone had broken in. Prince was with you as your aid dog, he had also calmed down Samuel a bit while being anxious himself but worry for Disney and your valuables peaked in you.

When you finally opened the door, you first saw many shards of glass and other pieces of your dishes on the floor. The lights were flicking here too. Prince started whining. You jumped when you heard a loud crash in the living room. Quickly, you ran in and saw your TV on the floor and a scared Disney running away, pee trailing after her. She was absolutely freaking out. You tried to switch off the lights but they kept on flicking. Prince yelped which made you turn your attention to him, he was holding one of his paws up. Probably had stepped on one of the shards. You bit your lip and tried to pick him up to put him on the couch. You noticed that it too had wet spots. The microwave started dinging, your golden mongrel tried to hide his head under a pillow.

With a rush, you followed the path you had seen Disney go - the bedroom.

The room was torn apart. Completely. Disney almost crashed into you but when she did see you, she immediately jumped on your legs and started climbing up while letting out pathetic kitten cries. You felt tears brimming at your eyes at the feeling of her claws. The little calico tried to hide into your shoulder while her fur was bristling with fear. You held your cat and started heading towards the living room and sat on the couch slowly. Prince placed his head in your lap while whining.

Then that fucking TV, despite being on the floor, basically destroyed, had turned on and started playing metal music max sound on. So with a heavy heart, you had beat it with your foot until it became silent again.

When it had finally calmed down, you decided to head out. The traffic was calm and normal again, maybe a bit scarce but traffic lights were working normally. Your apartment was pretty much destroyed and you were going to be in debt trying to make it all up. You weren't mad at Disney, no. She was scared and you understood that.

You were so tired of this day and even those northern lights weren't going to make your mood much better.

Mateo saw your sour look and came back to a standing position. "You okay?" he asked with worry. He liked you a lot and seeing you like this wasn't nice.

"No, not at all. I don't want to go back to my apartment. It's completely destroyed. Completely," you sighed. The man tongued his cheek as he tried to come up with an idea that would lighten your mood. "You can stay at my place if you want?" he suggested. You glanced at him and shook your head, "You're sweet Mateo but I can't. There's no food for them in your place and I don't want to risk ruining your living quarters." The rookie firefighter draped one of his arms around your shoulders. "Then we will go and buy food for them right now and will stay up with them for the night until we are sure that this is all over, okay?" You looked at him and gave a flat smile. "Okay fine."

~~~***~~~

"It's not the biggest but it'll do...I hope," Mateo said as he walked in, carrying the bags of dog-and cat food. You looked around with a small smile, "It's perfect."

You hesitantly bent down and unlatched the leash from Disney's straps. The queen immediately went to inspect the place, Prince following right after once he was let loose.

Mateo walked past you and you got triggered inside as you saw him wearing shoes in the process. No way were you going to make your feet into squashed lemons or anything. So you leaned against the wall and took your shoes off. Mateo looked back at you, "Oh you don't have to take your shoes-" he rushed but halted when you faced your palm with him. "I want to, I am not going to let my feet be squeezed lemons, thank you very much."

He nodded quietly.

"Soooo..." the man awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, "Want anything to eat?" He frowned when you didn't reply.

"Sorry, did you say something?" you asked as you put your jacket away. "Wanna eat anything?" he repeated. "Eat? Oh yes! But nothing too much- Wait hold up. You just came from work. Oh man, I remember when I was a firefighter, I was starving when work finally ended. Would it be okay with you if I made you something?" Mateo smiled at you and nodded, "Y-yeah, sure. But I don't have much to make something of..." You grinned, the memories of being a rookie and having to make meals for the crew clouding your mind. "Shh... Let Chef (l/n) handle it!"

Mateo followed you after sometime and placed the pet foods on the counter. Immediately a clatter of nails dashing towards the kitchen was heard. You giggled as you saw Prince storm in by the sound of the food bags. "What the..." the younger adult mumbled. You just shook your head with a smile and returned to your search for food in his kitchen. Like he said, there wasn't much of it. Some takeout boxes were in the bin, so he probably lived off of that most of the time.

"Alright, one day, we're going grocery shopping, Teo," you told him. Finally you found a package of spaghetti in a drawer. You remembered seeing cheese in the fridge.

It was decided. You were gonna make mac and cheese.

~~~***~~~

You called for Mateo who was in the living room cuddling with Disney, an EpiPen in one hand and the other on the cat's back. "Sorry, can't come. I'm the chosen one- ACHOO!" he rejected your call. You - not knowing what's going on - frowned and went to see what the heck he was talking about. As you saw the cat curled up on the male, you grinned. "Okay, guess you have to starve then. By the way, any bowls or something I could place their food on?" Mateo was slowly letting his palm run over the calico's soft fur while sniffling, he didn't even look at you. "Mhmgh, if you're okay with paper plates then those are...uh... I think in the drawer under forks and knives. Oh and for water err.... Just take a random bowl that doesn't look too fancy."

"Okiedokie"

Mateo was carefully touching your kitty when all of a sudden, she woke up and stormed into the kitchen. "Huh?" Confused, he got up and followed the deaf cat.

When he entered the kitchen, both animals were chewing on the food. It wasn't nearly as high quality as what you usually bought them but they were hungry. You were putting cheese on your spaghetti. "Well look who came," you said amused as you pulled out a fork from the drawer.

He smiled and grabbed the other plate you had set aside for him. "Thanks for this, I normally don't have the energy to cook after work." His demeanor was a bit shy and you loved that. Some guys had approached you after the incident but had ran for the hills after finding out about your disabilty.

"Ya know Mateo, you are very cute," you complimented him out of nowhere. Startled, said man almost dropped his plate at your words, "W-What? I mean, thanks, uh, you're very too. I mean you're very cute too," he stuttered, tongue tied and blushing a little. He was avoiding your gaze, knowing he will say something stupid if he'll look at you.

You giggled at that and kept watching him, making him nervous.

~~~***~~~

It took months of cutting out your own desires, working overhours, missing out on nights of fun and doing DIY to get your apartment back to what looked like a normal home from a place that looked like a hurricane hit it. Mateo helped you out a lot through that. Helping you choose things from IKEA, assemble the things you brought from IKEA, helping you clean out the place and treating Prince's injured paw while you couldn't. Getting a new TV was a big pain in the arse. Since it was so freaking expensive when you wanted a good one.

It would've taken you months until you could get one. But one day, you came home one day to find a brand new flatscreen attached to a wall in your living room. Bigger than your previous one for sure. Mateo had been at your place, having a day off and wanting to help you with the new coffee table since the previous one had been destroyed with claw marks and pet urine.

Immediately you bombed him with questions when you saw the thing on the wall, also feeling very mad that he got you something so expensive.

Mateo denied buying the TV and said it was.... Judd. You calmed down after a while

You put your information in and logged into your Netflix account. Mateo was about to leave when you offered that he could stay. He agreed immediately and happily plopped down on the sofa. You told him to find a good horror movie while you made something to eat.

You cut some fruits and also managed to find some chips. Not as traditional as popcorn but it'll do the job.

"What did you choose?" you asked happily while making yourself comfortable beside him and placing the snacks on the coffee table he had put together throughout the day. He had talent in it, for real.

"I mean, I don't really watch horror movies, so are you okay with Escape Room?" he asked hesitantly. You tongued your cheek and smiled, "Yeah sure."

Unlike most people, you liked the scary stuff. Enjoying the adrenaline that came when something terrifying happened. Doesn't mean you didn't hold onto Mateo sometimes but he was the more scared one. "Oh my God Teo, you're like a baby when watching this stuff," you giggled. "I'm sorry I made you watch this," you apologized while leaning your head against his shoulder. "What? No, I err... Really liked it. Yeah, it was... Awesome," he lied pathetically. You snorted and rubbed circles on Prince's stomach while the big dog lay on his back beside you.

After some silence, the firefighter opened his mouth. "So Y/n," he started. You shifted your head to look at him curiously. "What would be the perfect... date in your opinion?" he asked nervously. You rose your brow with surprise, the question unexpected. "Perfect date huh?" you thought for a bit and came up with an answer. "Well I'm not a huge fan of romantic dinners and stuff like that. Maybe camping? I really enjoy hiking and hiking with someone I care about would be lit. Those two love hikes too," you gestured at your furry friends, "Plus it isn't an expensive fun thing to do. Well unless you going all out. Which I don't normally."

"In that case, wanna go camping on the weekend?" he asked happily yet nervousness was as clear as a crystal in his voice. You smiled at him, "Of course," and laid your head on his chest.

[sobdasha]

had a few more thoughts about the Honda family

and all the Souma parallels.

(and by “a few” I apparently meant “a lot”, I did not mean to write this many pages)

In the other post I’d made a comment about how Katsuya’s romance with Kyouko, severe age difference issues aside, is just plain pathetic, a point which I believe to be Upheld by canon. And I wanted to talk more about that, the implications of that, and how that further builds the Akito and Tohru parallel. And also, Why Tohru Can’t Love Her Mom And Kyou At The Same Time.

The ideal, in Fruits Basket, is that when you make a connection with one person who loves you and sees you, this will enable you to make further connections with the people around you. Tohru does a whole heck of a lot of this; for one example, see Yuki explaining this to Kisa in the liking-yourself speech. Yuki does some of this for bitty Haru and later for Machi. Kazuma does this for Kyou. And so on and so forth. The positive experiences are meant to have a ripple effect.

It’s important to be grateful for what you have (Yuki and Machi’s “just one person would be enough” scene), but it’s human to crave more than that (Kyouko telling Saki that it’s probably normal to want other people to accept you even if you already have a loving and supportive family). It is important to crave more than that.

This was, in fact, the entire point of the curse. God meets cat. Cat’s companionship allows god to form connections with other animals. Cat is dying and god decides that 13 friends is the perfect number of friends and starts the reincarnation cycle. Cat says, “god you never once left your house. I wanted to see you go down and make friends with the humans. I wanted to see you experience the world and laugh in the sunlight. God you made 13 new friends but you’re still lonely and closing yourself off to the world forever, this is wrong and I am sad.” The banquets were supposed to be the gateway drug of friendship and meaningful connections, not the place where 14 souls stagnated alone and isolated until it became a curse.

That same wrongness happens in Ren and Akira’s relationship, where finally making a connection with one person who loves you and sees you made their world smaller and smaller. It wasn’t healthy, probably because 1) they remained in a toxic environment, 2) Kureno implies that Ren has mental health issues and I assume those existed prior to Akira’s death and were exacerbated, rather than created by, her grief; also I can’t imagine she actually came from a non-toxic family herself, and 3) Akira’s “you’re going to die an early death and the only thing we need from you first is a successor” trauma. Akira never found anyone other than Ren who understood how upset he was. Ren never formed a relationship with anyone other than Akira, partly because she was now trapped in a toxic family that despised everything about her and she refused to Prove Them Right by leaving. They both viewed their child as an object rather than a person; Akira seeing proof that he and Ren were definitely OTP and the Souma could go shove it, and Ren seeing a Rival.

I have a memory that I said at some point—probably in a Talking About Shigure post—that Kyouko helps Katsuya connect with other people. But this, I think, is not really true. I was thinking of how Kyouko helps bridge the non-relationship between Katsuya and his father. But that’s just one person.

Really, Katsuya and Kyouko are more like Akira and Ren.

Marrying-someone-who-just-graduated-ninth-grade aside, the fact that Katsuya and Kyouko meet is genuinely a good thing. Katsuya finally connects with the humanity in another person. Kyouko is finally cared about as a person. Their misanthropic-jackass-and-abandoned-cat relationship improves both of them, probably. Their connection is definitely the reason Kyouko decides to go to high school and quit her gang. It’s harder to tell with Katsuya, but you could argue that seeing Kyouko struggling and fighting and screaming against the world, as honest about her joy as she is about her loneliness-channeled-into-rage, causes Katsuya to say screw it and pursue the career in pharmacy that he’s interested in, instead of fake-politely submitting to the world’s expectations and internally resenting and disdaining everyone around him.

Katsuya softens in his relationship with his father. Both Katsuya and Kyouko see their child as a person in her own right, Tohru, rather than an object. Katsuya, in fact, is adamant about that fact when Kyouko is terrified of her pregnancy—that they can treat their baby as her own person, and if they aren’t perfect parents and they hurt their child, they’ll apologize—because Tohru is a person and an equal—and admit that what they did was wrong and why it’s wrong. They’ll treat Tohru with the respect they should have gotten all along.

But I don’t think it ever goes any farther than that. Like god, the Honda family becomes more and more isolated.

Does Katsuya make any work friends? We don’t really get a complete view of their lives, because Takaya is one person who can only do so much and space is very precious, so we only see what’s crucial to the story. But I would be really surprised to find that Katsuya had made any close friends outside of Kyouko. I honestly doubt that he has anything more than casual work acquaintances. (In contrast, we repeatedly see Kyou together with the two guys who got names in the anime that I forgot in his class; his friendship with them doesn’t get explored much in the manga, presumably because it doesn’t do any heavy lifting for his character development, but Kyou clearly has casual friends who seek him out and whom he doesn’t mind being with. See also the way Saki and Arisa also interact with those guys as a part of the group, while Tohru really only interacts with Saki and Arisa or the Souma.)

And I don’t think Kyouko fares any better. Does she have any close friends, other than her husband and daughter? Does she make friends at work? I don’t know what kind of work Kyouko does, and if she would have the opportunity to take her breaks socializing with coworkers. But it appears she spends her work breaks in an abandoned area socializing with a first or second grader. Kyou is the only person, as far as we know, that mid-twenties Kyouko can start to open up to. She doesn’t get all the way there—Kyou doesn’t connect the dots until much later—but it’s the closest she comes to talking about how she hurt Tohru after Katsuya died.

Where are the family friends? It doesn’t strike me as weird that the Honda family doesn’t have them, because I have also grown up in a poorly socialized household, but even I am used to running into unfamiliar people in public who explain that they know my mom or dad. I’m pretty sure family friends are a normal thing, and that’s how you get aunts and uncles that aren’t related to you, much in the same way that I’m pretty sure it’s normal to be friends with your cousins (especially if they’re in a similar age range and live nearby) and it is very common for grandparents to bring grandchildren with them to the grocery store because the grandchildren are staying over and they’re having a relationship.

Where is anyone but the Honda family at at Kyouko’s funeral? Kyouko made friends with Arisa and Saki, but did she ever make friends with Saki’s parents? Where are Saki’s loving and supportive mother and father and grandmother when the Honda family is arguing about who has to take on the burden of Tohru? Where are they, if they knew of the bad blood between Kyouko and the Honda family (and the disinheritance between Kyouko and the Katsunuma family), to sweep over Tohru’s protestations and tell her that it will all be fine, they’ll make it work out (they packed up and moved house for Saki, after all), it’s not Tohru’s job to worry about being a burden, it’s the job of people who love her to take care of her?

It can be both “because of the necessity of the plot” and “because they didn’t know.”

Tohru inherits this small, isolated world. And because of the trauma of being abandoned by her grieving, depressed, absolutely-not-coping mother, Tohru picks up on that Souma curse mentality. Tohru’s dad left, and Tohru’s dad tried to take her mom with her, leaving her with no one but Grandpa (who is not intimately part of their world but is not fully outside it either). Tohru’s dad is now a Rival. Tohru’s dad is now an Outsider. Clearly, a bond with an Outsider weakens the True Bond that Tohru had with Kyouko. Clearly, Tohru’s dad is Not Needed (because the other alternative is that Tohru is Not Needed). Clearly, only one of them can have Kyouko.

And it’s going to be Tohru.

Tohru picks up Katsuya’s fake-polite speech, equally disingenuously but from the opposite direction (ie, Katsuya was fake-polite to be an asshole, and Tohru is genuinely polite but faking the words). Tohru is pretty sure this is a form of wicked manipulation (much like Yuki is convinced that “be kind unto others as you would have them be kind unto you” is a form of wicked manipulation). Tohru keeps up with it anyway. Kyouko, as Kyou suggests, was probably comforted by this; rather than going full Akira “you exist to prove that I lived and loved a woman”, seeing Katsuya’s mannerisms in Tohru reminds her that her husband did exist without having to erase Tohru as a person. Kyouko does a lot of growing on her own, but with no support system and no friends outside the family and being fresh-out-of-college age, it’s not surprising that she fails to talk with Tohru about this, and tell Tohru that she knows why Tohru’s doing this, she knows how she hurt Tohru and it was wrong, you don’t have to do this anymore. This is a hurt between them, a grief, that they never talk about, even though they both know it’s there and Kyouko tries to smother it with love and affection and Tohru tries to shut it up in a box of denial.

Tohru’s world is now just Tohru and Kyouko. Tohru doesn’t make any friends until middle school. We know she gets bullied and doesn’t fit in throughout her entire school life. She is a riceball in a fruits basket and probably just manages to scrape by in conformity culture. When she does make her first friends, Arisa and Saki don’t count as Outsiders who compromise Tohru’s bond with her mom because Arisa and Saki are also misfits on the fringe. They are outcasts Tohru can bring into the circle. They are all monsters together, like the cursed Soumas (the only reason no one refers to Akito as a monster to her face, the way they do the rest of the Zodiac, probably has less to do with the fact that Akito doesn’t transform and more to do with the fact that Akito being in a position of power is useful for their own ends, so best not to undermine the head of the family by pointing the whole monster thing out).

And then Tohru’s mom dies.

Tohru isn’t god and she can’t make an eternal banquet. Tohru doesn’t know how to process her grief and how not to fall to pieces. Tohru knows how to empathize with other people, but she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable. Did she remember Kyouko wanting to follow Katsuya, and think about doing the same? But Tohru also wants to keep living, somehow.

So she makes her mom not be gone. Her mom is dead, Tohru knows that, just like Akito knows that Akira’s soul isn’t in the box choosing her over Ren and showing her the way to happiness. But maybe. So she talks to the portrait of her mom. She tries to rescue her mom from suffocating inside a mudslide. She takes her mom on holiday to the onsen. Her mom gets kidnapped once by Hiro. Tohru’s mom is definitely not gone. Tohru and her mom definitely still have an eternal bond. Tohru’s mom will always be first in her heart, so that Tohru will always be first in her mother’s heart. Tohru will never abandon her. Tohru will never leave her behind.

(Tohru will never be left behind.)

Tohru’s world is just Tohru and her mom.

Tohru has two best friends, Arisa and Saki, but she won’t let them in. She won’t depend on them. She won’t tell that that her grief is crushing her and that she’s living in a tent because she’s terrified of being abandoned. Tohru makes a lot of new friends in the Souma family, and she’s very happy, but she won’t let them in either. Tohru can’t open up to any of them freely.

I don’t think I saved it anywhere the survived the computer death, but I saw at least one post in the fandom talking about the growing disappointment of the reboot anime, and they had a valid point, so I’ll bring that in now.

I really like the reboot, but I am losing my passion in the final season. Adapting a story from one media to another is hard, and at the beginning I thought they were doing a good job. Small things were being cut, scenes were being rearranged and stitched together, but there was a definite purpose behind it. Instead of literally following each chapter, each episode tried to be a self-contained theme in the same way a manga chapter would be. Because themes repeat again and again in Fruits Basket in a slow build, this was working well. But small things that didn’t quite fit got cut. Scenes I liked and was sad not to see, but that I accepted had to be left out to make the episodes stronger.

But they’ve been piling up and piling up. Small holes have accumulated into big plot holes that the third season is tripping over. I’m sad that we don’t see the small progressions of Yuki and Machi’s relationship, the quiet scenes that show Machi is trying to pay attention to Yuki the way he has paid attention to her, and also all the Mogetas. I’m sad Komaki is the new manga-only character. If we don’t get Kyouko’s full backstory, we lose a lot of the context that’s in this post. I could go on and on.

But most importantly, as that someone else pointed out, we missed out on the progression of Kyou and Tohru’s flirting. It’s too late to cram all of that into a montage episode, and so now we’ve been given episode after episode of Mom Tohru, and hardly any Tohru Struggling With Romance In Addition To Struggling With Grief before suddenly everyone is confessing their love and I’m not as into it in the anime as I am in the manga.

So many of the Souma love and accept Tohru, but Tohru remains an Outsider—not because of the curse, but because she hasn’t formed close friendships with them. Tohru has a lot of people among the Souma she likes who like her, but she’s always a Mom to them. Tohru shares some of her own pain with them, but it’s shared for their benefit, not for Tohru’s own catharsis. Tohru shares so she will be loved, not so that she will be accepted.

Except Kyou.

Kyou, who looks at Tohru and thinks, “I’m pretty sure she’s that lonely person even now, even while she’s smiling and genuinely enjoying every moment with us.” Kyou, who’s falling in love with Tohru. Kyou, whom Tohru’s falling in love with.

Kyou is the only one that Tohru takes a desperate risk with. Kyou is the only one Tohru ~disillusions~ and ~disappoints~ in the hope that he’ll accept her regardless.

Kyou is the only one Tohru tells, “I don’t talk about my dad because I kicked him out of the family. I know my dad loved us and I loved him back, but I pretend to talk like him so my mom will forget about him and love me instead. He came between me and my mom and now I pretend he doesn’t exist. And I know I’m an awful person for behaving like that, so I keep his picture and pretend I don’t, and I pretend he’s the Bad Guy who earned it.”

The idea that Tohru can’t love both her mom and Kyou is, in a way, true. (I think that same post I’ve been referencing also talked about how dropping the budding romance also dropped a lot of the clues that this is Tohru unable to process her grief? Which is also very true. But if Tohru has the Souma mindset, then actually she has a legit point about not being able to love two people at once despite being a very loving person. Both can be true. Multitudes.)

Kyou is an Outsider to the world of Tohru and her mom. And if Tohru chooses to love him, it will weaken her bond with her mom, which is predicated on loving her mom more than anyone else. If she expands her world to include him in it, she will be betraying her mom. Tohru will be the Bad Guy who left her mom behind and abandoned her. Tohru will be her own villain, condemned for the same crimes she pinned on her dad.

Kyou 100% gets where she’s coming from with this, because he turns this exact argument on her when she confesses to him and he panics (akin to when Tohru chases him down in his true form and he slashes her and, in the reboot, yeets her into the lake, so that she will be hurt so bad she’ll never pity/love him again). He asks her if her love for her mom—her bond—was just a lie.

Tohru making friends after Kyouko’s death has been a lot like Akito letting Yuki and Kyou out into the world, certain that it would drive them back to the bond. Yuki getting character development is a huge betrayal. Tohru wanting to be together with Kyou, when she should only want to be together with her mom, is a huge betrayal.

Tohru has no model for expanding her world. She’s good at loving people, but bad at letting them in (Kyouko was bad at that too—like Mom Tohru, she was very good at sharing anecdotes about her violent youth, but very bad about sharing how she’d failed Tohru as a mom). Like Akito, she only really knows the bond—the certainty that her mom would love her. She’s been so terrified of not being loved that she’s acted this entire time like her mom is still around. When Kyou’s love is a possibility, she can only conceptualize it as a betrayal of her relationship with her mother.

It always seemed a bit too abrupt that Tohru looked at Akito with the knife and went “oh shit we’re literally the same”, but now that I’ve thought this all out, it makes eloquent sense. The whole time Tohru’s been working against the curse, she’s been in denial about her own blessing-burden-curse. Now that she’s just admitted it and had it thrown back in her face, she can look at Akito and see another person in an insular little world, isolated and lonely and walled-off from the world. Of course Tohru desperately wants to make friends with knife-wielding Akito—she just decided to let go of her ties to her mother that were suffocating her, and take her first steps into the world, and got immediately dumped by the person she loves. Of course she wants to make friends with someone who knows exactly where Tohru’s coming from and how terrifying what Tohru just did is and how awful it is to be rejected even though she’s got other friends she loves out here in this world she’s decided to finally step into.

Tohru is so damn lonely, and Akito is there, also lonely and screaming and crying and undeniably human.

(Smile, Tohru tells herself in the hospital. Smile and tell Kyou you were happy to meet him and just let him go. Don’t be a curse. Smile and let him find his own happiness. Which is more or less the same struggle Akito is also going through. But maybe they’re going through it together. Maybe they used their words, together, when they couldn’t confide in anyone else. Although it feels a bit unlikely that Tohru let herself break down about Kyou in front of Akito, and Akito already had one pity-party in front of Momiji and may not have wanted to burden Tohru with a second.)

One thing I really love about Fruits Basket Another is that Hajime alludes to the fact that Kyou probably won’t inherit Kazuma’s dojo after all.

Kyou inheriting the dojo is something both Kyou and Kazuma have wanted, and it gives me many warm fuzzies. It is very narratively satisfying. The dojo, while Souma property, is not actually part of the main estate.

What I love is that Kyou probably won’t take over the dojo specifically because he and Tohru have made so many friends in their new town that they don’t want to pick up and leave. Kyou finally succeeds in freeing Tohru from that small, lonely world, much like he’s been freed from the fate of the Cat Room. Their relationship enriches them personally and also enables them to make so many new connections. Kyou has friends at the dojo! Tohru has friends at work maybe! Friends where they buy groceries, friends among the parents of their children’s classmates, friends outside of their extended Souma family! They’ve kept ties that don’t hold them back and made new ties that don’t weaken or steal away any of their old ties!

When they left Tokyo, Tohru was prepared to go anywhere as long as it was with Kyou. Now, she and Kyou both don’t want to leave because their world is so much larger than just their nuclear family and they’ve put down roots. They’ve seen each other not only lonely in the moonlight and worn thin by death and loss, but they’ve gotten up and gone down the mountain to where the people live and made friends among them, laughing in the sunlight. Just like the cat always uggghhhhh I’m not crying I’m just so damn happy for them I can’t

[ohnothewheatisonfire]

ok J&H Fandom, let’s talk:

“Popular” blog @thatsmyhyde​ is a prominent creator in the J&H Fandom. But here’s where the problem shows up: 

the content they make is concerning at least, and full of red flags at worst. 

DISCLAIMER: This is all information I have gathered through their tumblr blog - I am not aware of what other things they may be posting on other social medias or their written work.  ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: Please be polite, I am a minor, and am just creating this post to ward off / warn other minors from following this person. If you are an adult interacting with this post and blog, be mindful of your actions and be responsible

Trigger warnings for: discussions of homophobia, discussions of p//phillia, fat-shaming, fat-phobia (?), etc. Just be on general edge for this post, we’re talking about a lot of weird stuff

I will be linking their posts as I am not going to take screenshots of their art.

This is not a comprehensive list of all the things they’ve done - these are the ones I could think of and was able to adress. If you have anything additional you want to add to this post (such as concerning things they may do on other social media), feel free to reblog and add on the things you need to say, just please don’t be dumb. 

Let’s start with the premise: Henry Jekyll creates an alter ego, Edward Hyde. They begin a relationship - an emotional and physical one. Their AU features Jekyde (A popular ship in the fandom, the name stands for Jekyll x Hyde), people have various views on this ship. 

So far so fine, right? Here are the problems:

1. Their Henry Jekyll is an awful person. Now, let’s start by saying that of course you can have bad people in your works, those are, after-all: villains. The problem is,Henry Jekyll is a harmful walking gay sterotype, and an outlet for Biscuit’s obvious fat fetish. But their relationship isn’t just toxic it’s romanticised in how toxic it is.

a. The harmful stereotype - Their Henry Jekyll has a “thing” for younger men, even though he is in his middle-ages, and Hyde looks like a young child. (Age gap relationships are their own thing - they come with their own burdens, and this is not the post to discuss them. This topic will lead into the Edward  Hyde section of this post.) But, it was a known homophobic scare-mongering tactic of straight parents to accuse everyone who is gay that they are ‘out to prey on your youths’. This is a stereotype that stigmatized the LGBT community, and still harmfully affects them to this day. 

b. The fat fetish: Jekyll is frequently seen with cake (as seen here, here, and here)  or being self-loathing, to the point of suicide. (click the link here to acess a list of suicide and other crisis hotlines! you matter to me!). Now, the self-loathing could be a symptom of depression or other mental illness, so I am not going to talk about it, as a person with mental illnesses.  But the self-loathing in addition to him being fat is not good. Media is drowning in the “self-loathing fat person” and as someone who isn’t thin i’m tired of seeing this. 

- The fetish aspect comes in him constantly being referred to “Chonky”, a term usually used for overweight/obese cats and being drawn obsessed with cake. It fetishises his weight and dehumanises him into something people call their animals. Also, here’s more of Jekyll eating food and being embarassed by it, though this time because it’s seen as “servant’s food”. 

- Biscuit admits to liking them “Big and chunky” in posts like this. 

[Photo id: A string of texts that says: tantok, frankenstein, twink lore, dorian slipped through the cracks and got himself sketched by yours truly the other day because he brought lord henry along, he and the slime didn’t have to fight to the death because they’ve both got their own chonky old toxic henries to focus on, but this blog still ain’t big enough for the two of ‘em. end id]

- They also talk about how they ‘prefer’ to draw fat (chonky) people. Image attatched above. the thing that should be noticed is that they say ‘chonky old toxic henries’ . they, once again, are making fat people a fetish. 

[Photo id: Anonymous asks: are you gonna make a victor design tho biscuit responds: Oh, man, anon, I hate to disappoint but.....probably not. Aside from my non-humanoids and hellspwans (slime gremlins, corpse creatures, and etcetera), I’m extremely uninterested in drawing young thin men. I really need middle-aged chonk to hold my attention. If poor Victor Frankenstein had only been 40-something and round when he made his great creation, then he’d definitely get a design from yours truly. As it is though, he’s not holding my attention enough to want to. end id] 

Biscuit once again talks about how he doesn’t want to draw ‘thin men’, because he is only interested in older ‘round’ people. He, is, once again, bringing to light his fetish for fat people. 

2. Edward Hyde is basically a child - Edward Hyde is drawn in boy’s school clothes, is taken in and raised like a child after Jekyll’s death, and is constantly cooed over by the creator, even earning a nickname of ‘slime’ from them. In addition, he also has ‘family photos’ taken with Utterson, has his toenails kept, is the height of a child, and teeths. This, paired with the fact that he is in a toxic, abusive, relationship with a man in his middle ages is concerning and should not be romanticised. 

[Photo id: the text reads: In his first year of existence, Hyde lost teeth and regrew them in a mildly similar fashion to a kid losing baby teeth - except it wasn’t all of his teeth (Just the canines and some random molars) and they weren’t replaced with a larger set, just with teeth exactly the same as the ones that had been lost. No one knows what was up with this. the teeth are still in Jekyll’s study in a little jar. end id]

a. Hyde is treated like a child after Jekyll’s death. Hyde teething is concerning because that’s something infants do. He also clings to utterson like a child. The idea that he gets taken in by Utterson, whisked away to an estate out in the country, despite both of them having romantic feelings for Jekyll is. how do I put this: WEIRD. (seriously, imagine your father/father-figure dating ur significant other / having a crush on them before you two got together and after). 

b. Hyde dresses like a child, whilst being sexually active and wearing lingerie. Now, on their own, these traits aren’t a problem - but together? They are very much a problem.  

- Hyde dressing as a child is concerning because he is also treated like a child at certain points in their “lore”. After Jekyll’s death, Hyde becomes a singular entity, and is taken away by Utterson. To care for, like a child. This post sums it up well: he wears both children’s clothes and lingerie. 

- Hyde has a very strange appearance - if you compare it to his early design (which was less cartoony and looked more like a man in his twenties), Hyde’s current design is concerning. Why does he have the height of a child? Why does he have eyes that take up a grand part of his face? Now, one could argue that ‘he is not human’ - but if he is treated like a human, whilst wearing children’s/youthful clothes, teeths, and his general enchanment with the world - he appears as human (and looks eerily similar to a child), which is why him being sexually active, wearing lingerie, and being friendly with prostitutes (one that gave him underwear and other articles of clothing)  is concerning. 

- That said, Utterson is directly talked about being ‘adopted into gremlin fatherhood’ (paraphrasing). 

[Photo id: the text reads: 59. Jekyll is irresitibly attracted to everything about Hyde, but if he could somehow be forced to list hte most attractive physical attributes of Edward Hyde in his opinion, aside from Hyde’s youthful appearance in general it would be his eyes, his overbite (Jekyll perceived the way Hyde’s-) the screenshot cuts of the rest of the paragraph. end id] 

- Jekyll has a ‘thing’ for younger men. This is to the point that the most attractive part about Hyde is that he is young. (or looks like it), Hyde looking very young is concerning because that would make their verison of Doctor Jekyll a p*dophille . This is something the artist has either not recognized, realised, or simply does not acknowledge. 

3. The toxic relationship (and how it’s romanticised) - The relationship in this ‘AU’ is: love comes first, toxic nature comes second. If you scroll through the blog you may see some reference of ‘Henry Jekyll is such a toxic person teehee’ and a lot of them kissing, being together, smiling, or enjoying life. Now, obviously, an artist - if they do not want to - should not draw characters being toxic to each other. But it is concerning when the above points come into a factor, that the toxic nature of their relationship comes second to the highs of their relationship, at least on their blog. 

Here is one of the only examples I’ve seen of Biscuit talk about the relationship in a detailed negative light. 

4. The fandom - Whilst Biscuit says it’s ok for minors to interact with his blog (in that blog he says that he tags nsfw - which is true.) he does not regularly mention that his jekyde is toxic - not in a concerete way. He romanticises it (despite acknowledging it’s flaws), and the only way it may or may not be (i would not know) acknowledged is his fic: which is mature and not meant for minors. He does not tag his posts with regular triggers for things like: alcohol, drugs, mental illnesses, or abuse (any variants). They’re not even in his blog’s description! If Biscuit had acknowledged it in his blog, something along the lines of: “Hey! This blog has <content warnings> be warned when interacting! But no, he does not. 

- A lot of the people who draw things, or generally interact with Biscuit are minors. Being exposed to such a thing may be harmful to my peers, and I am worried. To minors who are fans of Biscuit: if you’ve made it this far, thank you, I know you’re mature and responsible, but being exposed to content creators like Biscuit could lead you down a dangerous path of having this kind of thing normalised to you. Be careful with the content you consume, please! And thank you for making it this far, I’m sure you’re a lovely person :)!

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Stay safe, tell the people you love that you love them. 

[swimfuel]

okay humanstuck thoughts under the cut

i owe a lot of this to @/rhythmic-idealist's kankri/vantasposting bc holy shit theyve got such a big brain (ill link to their individual posts when im on desktop since im using this to keep all my thoughts straight and i agree with most of what they say wholeheartedly)

general status quo stuff:

signless works in an extremely demanding career involving helping others (i'm leaning towards an attorney who works with organizations and does pro bono work), and is also extensively involved in social justice work outside of his job... he is very rarely home

he loves and cares for his children deeply and tries to express it whenever they're face to face, but the couch in his cramped and messy office has seen far too much use over the years for him to have been able to say it enough

his habits of working himself to the point of exhaustion are handily passed down to his kids btw

the kids had to grow up quickly because signless was out of the house so often and so consistently—kankri, who was already pretty high-strung, has to learn to take care of himself and karkat

they grow up near ms firuzeh maryam, who's their pseudoaunt/grandma (she took in a nine year old kavana vantas when she was about twenty), but they just call her ms rosa

they spent a lot of time in the maryam house growing up, with miss rosa's two nieces. porrim is a year older than kankri, while kanaya and karkat are the same age

kankri grows kinda sensitive to people trying to mother him since it rubs against the notion that he's the "adult of the house" and that he can take care of himself and karkat just fine

(and it also kinda underlines the fact that kankri has no idea what he's doing at the best of times)

and ironically enough, kankri becomes overbearing and naggy towards karkat in his own right, which forestalls them becoming close in any brotherly sort of way

they grow up really just... unable to communicate with one another clearly

karkat develops his ornery exterior in response to kankri's constant stream of opinions and frantic attempts at making up for the presence of a guardian in the house

i think there would actually be some really interesting parallels with rose in this au.. maybe i'm drawing from my own experiences as well but i think he'd begin to assume that every time his brother opens his mouth, he's going to criticize karkat

but instead of reacting like rose with the "making yourself more of a puzzle"/passive aggressive stuff, he gets a more defensive/hackles raised/"argue with you before you can argue with me" approach

and the thing is that they do love each other and would take a bullet for the other etc etc etc.. but they don't know how to express it because they've fallen into these shitty patterns

and it really doesn't help that kankri has grown somewhat resentful of signless over the years... that mix of resentment and fear and love gets more extreme and more polar every time signless gets injured during a political demonstration

i think kankri and signless would also be slightly closer than karkat and signless, as signless' job really only started to ramp up when karkat was less than years old and kankri was in his early double digits

kankri autistic btw its word of god (i am god)

karkat has a pet crab. its name is also karkat. he vents his frustrations to it.

i feel like the vantases exemplify both the best and worst parts of their aspects with one another as well... the strength of their bonds keeps them together and grounded, but TOO grounded. [insert Blood rant here]

the Blood rant:

i define Blood as bonds, responsibility, and the "core". if Life is the fertile soil and everything living on a planet's surface, then Blood is the gravitational core of the planet keeping everything together

i also think Blood, Heart, & Mind work in tandem to define a person just as blood serves to connect the pieces of the human body... Heart is the soul and the self, Mind is the application of one's self through active choices (agency), while Blood defines both the self and the choices one makes in greater detail [and, as an aside, Life provides the physical spark of life needed to keep the heart pumping blood]

OKAY wow that got tangential anyways

SO BASICALLY! too much Blood makes you stagnate, so for example:

kankri is split between staying home with karkat or going to college across the country and being truly unbound for the first time in years

another crisis of Blood: signless is caught between his empathy and responsibility to the whole world and his responsibility to his own children

okay so here's more status quo stuff:

the maryam and vantas kids grow up together and its hilarious because you'll see them all together and its just like (girlboss) (girlboss) (physical manlet) (emotional manlet)

the maryam girls are actually miss rosa's nieces but she took them in when they were both pretty young

the pyropes know the vantases well enough considering pyrope senior and sign have known one another from their respective legal practices for years, but they live on the other side of town

the leijons lived in town when kankri and meulin were very young, but they moved and travelled for a long time before coming back and reestablishing their roots

the captors (psii being one of sign's oldest and closest friends) move into town with the peixes family pretty early on though

the condesce is.. a horrible spouse and guardian, to put it plainly. she's very emotionally manipulative and isn't averse to smacking people around, including her own family. she moves herself and her perfect little family into town so she can properly oversee a new business venture close by

feferi is one of the best young swimmers in the country and has a pretty good shot of getting onto the olympic team.. a lot of this drive to be perfect and to be better results from the condesce's unrelenting pressure and thinly veiled resentment throughout her whole life

so yeah psii, )(ic, feferi, and sollux all live together and it's really not great for anyone involved. (meenah ran away years ago, and crashed on aranea's couch for a pretty long while—mituna moved out with latula for college before psii and the condesce got married)

it gets bad to the point of sollux staying with the maryams for two months while the adults try to sort out that absolute clusterfuck and get the divorce proceedings going (meenah finally convinces feferi to get out and come stay with her and aranea for the duration as well)

in terms of relationships i think latula and porrim were really really close in high school, and probably had some kind of unacknowledged thing going on for a while that never actually turned into anything because latula and mituna were going steady

kankri has had a crush on latula for years but never acted on it for similar reasons

meenah still carries a lot of that give no fucks attitude (it's developed moreso as a defense mechanism here) and can't understand why feferi refuses to leave the condesce with her

okay back to VANTAS MANPAIN i also think that karkat feels the weight of a lot of expectations on his shoulders as well

he feels responsible to live up to the example his dad and his brother set, even if it's to his own detriment—and kankri's oblivious rambling about his grades and his teachers and all his clubs certainly aren't helping the matter

kankri is one of those overinvolved kids taking a million AP's while simultaneously shitting on the collegeboard at every single step

hes this super overachiever anal retentive perfectionist type dude and (just as karkat preemptively criticizes others to forestall their criticisms of him only to harshly criticize himself) kankri subconsciously holds the people around him to the same expectations he holds for himself

so karkat also develops this sense of lacking which, in combination with everything else, culminates in self loathing and thinking he has to solve everyone else's problems and getting horribly mad at himself for every little mistake

GOD i have a lot more but lemme post this before i accidentally close out of the app and lose it all

more little details:

vriska's mom and terezi's mom HATE each other like HATE HATE HATE one another it's so bad

karkat wrote a ten page review of my immortal in middle school

jade is one of nepeta's best online friends

sollux can't raise one eyebrow at a time.. karkat gives him so much grief about it

the vantases eat a lot of shitty renditions of persian dishes until karkat learns to cook because literally the only person in the world with a CHANCE of getting KANKRI VANTAS to make an EDIBLE DISH is miss rosa

kanaya is really good at persian dance too but is VERY VERY embarassed to perform in front of people.. however porrim definitely is not

karkat has insomnia while kankri just stays up stupidly late for assignments that really shouldnt be taken that seriously.. but they both have the same rumination/sleep anxiety thing where your brain goes insane with horrible and depressing scenarios as you try to sleep

and more ideas that i thought were interesting but idk how to fit in the context of this au:

signless and disciple getting married pretty late in life after having been in love for years, the vantases move in with the leijons and karkat suddenly has two sisters

nepeta and karkat are both juniors at this point, meulin is probably in her third year at a local college nearby while kankri is about to start his second year at a university pretty far away

the kids in general honestly but ill figure it out

more random hcs this time with kids:

kanaya and rose get into a flame war online that gradually settles into elaborate courtship rituals

also nepeta + jade online besties

also bec can inexplicably still teleport

the first sbahj movie comes out and the next six months of dave strider junior's high school career are absolute hell

actually hc that dave senior goes by d strider professionally. the d stands for a lot of things

aradia and dave frequent a lot of the same forums but never end up really interacting

meanwhile karkat and john frequent a lot of the same forums and DEFINITELY end up interacting. this turns into grudging (at least on karkat's part) friendship after they find themselves fighting for their lives defending an objectively shitty movie together on the same thread

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: That Old Thing Back {One Shot} ***

Charlie Hunnam x Ex-Wife Reader

Warning: Cursing, Angst, POV Changes, LOTS OF WORDS, NSFW, Mentions of miscarriage

Words: 8,888k 

Note: Okay, this is a first for Charlie. I am not familiar with his mannerisms at all, so I hope this hits well. If not, anon, I am sorry. As always, thank you all for reading! Also, y’all see 8888 words. 8888 must mean something right.

 ***Loosely Edited/Proofread***

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you meet someone, within minutes, you know what you want from them. After the first conversation, you know what capacity you want them in your life. After a week, you know just how you feel about them. Charlie could attest to this. When he first saw you, he couldn’t keep his eyes off you. He was mesmerized by you and just sat and marveled as you danced around the great lawn of the park he happened to be in that afternoon. You looked carefree and so full of life. Nine other women were dancing with you, but he could only see you.

 That led him to stalk you for the remainder of the afternoon. Once the class was finished, he followed behind you and listened to your conversation as you walked through the streets and fell deeper under your spell. Your voice was like a finely tuned melody that sounded better than any song he’d ever heard. He sat in the same restaurant you did and just watched you as you spoke and laughed. Every story you told was so animated he felt like he’d been right there when it happened. You were the most captivating creature he’d ever seen.

 By the time he knew what had happened, he’d pushed his entire day to the side and had followed you, and he didn’t regret one thing. When he least expected it, you confronted him and called him out on his stalker antics, and that only made him want to know you more. It was the perfect imperfect meet. From that day, the two of you had been inseparable. You spent all your free time together. When he told you his aspiration to be an actor, you didn’t laugh or tell him to forget it and be more practical. You were his biggest supporter, and he fell harder for you.

A whirlwind, passion-filled eight-month romance led to him proposing and begging you to spend your life with him. When you excitedly screamed yes and leaped on him in the middle of the restaurant, everyone around you elated and showered you with applause and well wishes. The two of you didn’t bother waiting. A month later, you were married and more in love than ever. Neither of you were prepared when CJ came around, but it made your love deeper, your marriage stronger.

 You were by his side as he struggled through audition after audition, waiting for his big break. You were there rejection after rejection, always having his back and pushing him never to give up. You were his backbone, and when that role came, you were right there for him. The rolls came in one after the other, which meant he was gradually becoming busier and busier. Before you knew it, he was always on a movie set, and you were always home with CJ.

 No one prepared him for the struggles of marriage, a baby, and his budding career. He was warned about it by his agent early on, but he swore the two of you had what it took to withstand any and all struggles. He hadn’t factored himself in as a struggle. Thanks to his rapid rise to fame, everyone wanted a piece of him, and when they took their piece, there was none left for you. The arguments increased, and the miscommunication and unsaid words took a toll. The space that formed between you was wide enough to classify them as chasms.

 It seemed like he couldn’t do anything right. Everything he said was wrong. When he took a weekend off of work, it was wrong because you found it clear he would rather be working. When he tried to get close to you for any affection, you were always tired from your day with CJ, and every time you tried, he was too busy. He got lost in the Hollywood lifestyle, the parties, the socializing, the life that was bullshit, and had nothing on you or CJ. He turned into the monster in the fairytale, the monster that mothers warned their daughters about.

 He’d lost track of how many times he’d heard you crying, lost track of how many times he’d struggled with what to do, how to be. It wasn’t that he wanted to hurt you, he just didn’t know how to be who you wanted, how you needed him to be. The last straw was him missing your birthday to remain at the Cannes Film Festival, the festival he got pictured in a compromising position. One he was entirely at fault for, but one where absolutely nothing happened. The last thing you said to him was, “Your priorities are all fucked up, if you don’t want us fine I’ll solve the problem.”

 He came home to divorce papers and an empty house and not too long after you were in the hospital suffering from a miscarriage. A miscarriage the doctors blamed on stress, a miscarriage you blamed on him, a miscarriage he blamed himself for. After that, you made it clear you were done with him. He had the thought to contest and fight for you, but he knew the same problems would still be there. He had to face the facts that you’d probably grown too far apart, and that he would only cause you pain. He had to let you go. So, let you go he did.

 Groaning, he rubbed his face trying to keep the sleep at bay. The sound of the waves at his Malibu home was the soothing back noise he needed. It was the same noise that propelled him deep into his state of depression. It was a sate he’d been fighting for the last year. He’d been mostly successful, but tonight was hard. Tonight, was the anniversary of what would have been your seventh wedding anniversary.

 The whole night he’d been haunted by memories, haunted by feelings, and haunted by every regret he’d held on to for the last near two years. He thought of scenarios where he should have said something when he hadn’t said anything. He thought about the times he didn’t do something when he should have dome something—anything. He regretted everything that led to this point, the point where he had no wife and a son he was missing that was growing up without seeing him every day.

 “Fuck!” His shout was loud, and though the beach was vast, it still somehow echoed around him. There was no escaping you. He’d tried like hell every day, especially when you moved said the most hurtful words you’d ever said to him.

 -Fourteen Months Earlier-

 “Leave Charlie; you’re good at that.”

 “That’s not fair, Y/N, and you know it!”

 You spun around with pure vitriol radiating from you. “Fair! Do you know what’s not fair? It’s not fair that I’ve been by your side through everything, supporting you and loving you fiercer than a mother lion to her cubs, birthed your son, held you down through everything, the struggle, the good times only to have you do this!”

 “You’re the one who left me, Y/N!”

 He knew he shouldn’t have thrown that at you. He knew it was a bad idea.

 “Let’s be real. You left me long before I left you! Plus, what was there to stay for, a man who turned out to be my biggest mistake?”

  -Present Day-

 With his phone in hand, he pulled up your contact. It was one that he stared at so often—too often, he opened up his messages and did the only thing his head told him to.

 MSG My Wife: It’s insane today would have been our 7th anniversary. Seven years. The day I said those vows to you were the happiest day of my life until the day you told me about CJ. I thought seven would be just the beginning for us. I fully expected seventeen, twenty-seven, thirty-seven, seventy. I probably shouldn’t be sending this, but there was no way I could fight it. God, Y/N, this has always been my favorite day. Now it’s one of the most painful.

 He tossed his phone on the side table and dropped his head back, praying he could forget and move on. It was clear you’d already done it.

 As if that wasn’t enough, to add insult to injury, four days later he was staring down at the date your divorce was finalized. It was irony at its best and a just punishment for him. He’d been suffering the last year, so much, so pain felt like his best friend. He just wallowed in everything he’d lost, wallowed in it with no intention to pull himself out. It was that same pain that had him on this interstate driving out of LA to the place he shouldn’t be going anywhere near.

 When he pulled up inside the yard, he sat in his mustang for much longer than he should have. He looked around at somewhere he was familiar with but only loosely. He looked at the toys scattered on the lawn and smiled before it slipped and was replaced with sorrow. After taking a deep breath, he got out and walked to the door. He hesitated before his knuckles rapped on the door, then he waited.

  ~~~~~~~~~

-Y/N-

“CJ, please put this hoverboard away before I break my neck!”

 You wiped your hands on the dishtowel as you made your way to the front door. Your son was single-handedly working overtime to break every bone in his body. You’d heard that raising a boy would be difficult, but you were not prepared. He was a handful and a half, especially since he was the carbon copy of his father. Not only did he look just like him down to his blond hair, but he also had the same interests—skating, hoverboarding, biking, and soccer. Those were just the beginning of their similarities. With your head lost in thought, you didn’t see the fist-size fire truck that was lying in wait for you just in front of the door. You hopped and did your best football scrimmage to avoid the tragedy you foresaw.

 “Jesus Christ! Charles Matthew Hunnam, Junior!”

 You could hear the barrage of footsteps as he came running. He knew when you used his entire name; he was in trouble. As sure as the sky was blue, he came bounding around the corner with his blond curls bouncing and honey-chocolate sun kissed complexion on his way to you.

 “I’m sorry, mommy,” he sheepishly breeched as he bent to the floor to gather the death traps he’d left for you.

 “How many times have I told you to pick your toys up when you’re finished?”

 “I’m sorry, I forgot.” He looked so sad now and gave you those blue specked hazel eyes that were such an interesting mix of yours and Charlie’s that you were always a sucker for.

 Groaning, you shook your head affectionally. “Try to remember, honey,” you softly reminded. CJ nodded and threw his arms around your midsection. These were the things that made your day. The doorbell rang then, reminding you someone was there.  “Take them up, please.”

 “Okay, mommy.” You turned from him and continued your walk to the door. When you swung it open, you were shocked half to death to see Charlie standing on the other side.

 “Charlie,” you gasped out. Once CJ heard his name, you heard the clatter of the toys he must have just had heaped in his hands.

“Daddy!” You heard him running, and in seconds, he bound into Charlie’s waiting arms.

 “Ah! Hey, buddy!” Charlie stood and held onto CJ like he was his most favorite thing in the world; it was the same way CJ held onto him.

 You stood there and watched them half warmed by the sight of father and son and their evident love for each other and half seething that Charlie was there in the first place. He knew better than to show up unannounced. The only way this worked was if you had time to prepare yourself to see him. This was unexpected.

 “I missed you, daddy.”

 “I missed you too, CJ. Gosh, you look like you’re growing like a weed,” Charlie surmised, placing CJ back onto the ground.

 “I am, mommy says I’m half her height.”

 “Oh, is that right? So half her height means you’re still a ways behind me. I guess I better go back to eating my veggies,” Charlie joked. CJ found it funny, even if you didn’t.

 Clearing your throat, you brought the attention of your ex-husband to you. his smile faltered. “What’re you doing here, Charlie?”

 “I uh—I wanted to see CJ.”

 You dropped your head and sighed. This was going to turn into an argument.

 “I wanted to see you too, daddy. Can we do something? Can I show you my new bike? Then can we go down to the lake, and I can show you my new trick?”

 “Hold on there, bud. We gotta ask mommy,” Charlie said on a chuckle.

 “Can we mommy, please, please, please, please!” CJ was pouring on all the emotions and sweetness. You didn’t have the heart to say no.

 “Go ahead, have fun. Please, no broken bones!”

 “Thank you, mommy.” His hug was quick before he was grabbing hold of Charlie’s hand to yank him away. As he did, Charlie looked back to you with a melancholic smile, one you refused to read into.

 When you walked back inside, you were the one to pick up the toys you’d just told your son to pick up. You didn’t mind this time; you needed something to keep yourself busy. Picking up CJ’s toys turned into rearranging some of the things in the living room, and that turned into sweeping, then vacuuming and finally mopping. You could hear the jolly screams and laughs from inside the yard, and though it made you happy to hear how happy CJ was, it also filled you with a hint of sadness, one you’d worked hard to ignore.

 Every so often, you found yourself drifting to the windows to watch on as the two of them played. Every time you looked out, they were doing something different. Once it was tricks on BMX bikes, another time it was weird acrobatics like handstands and flips, and when you looked out once and saw them actually building mud monsters, you nearly lost your shit at how adorable they were together. That was when you stepped up the cleaning and began cleaning the kitchen.

 Once the cleaning was finished, you moved on to starting dinner. An hour passed then two, and you were in the thick of things. You’d only intended on cooking lasagna, but that turned into lasagna with sautéed broccoli, and garlic bread and dessert. It was apparent to you that you were anxiety cooking. Before you finished, though in they bounded downright filthy but over the moon.

 “Mommy, look!” CJ ran to you completely covered in a mixture of dried and wet mud with grass stains. He looked ready to throw his arms around you before you scurried behind the kitchen island.

 “Charles Matthew Hunnam, don’t you dare get me dirty.” His laughter was loud.

 “Fine, but look what we brought you.” He held out a bouquet of handpicked flowers of all varieties. A smile stretched across your face. You knew it was going to happen before it did.

 “You picked me flowers?”

 “Yup, it was daddy’s idea, then we had a competition who could pick the most. I won,” CJ happily boasted. The tears welling in your eyes could not be stopped from spilling.

 “Thank you, CJ, they are gorgeous. I love them almost as much as I love you.” CJ’s smile was just as wide, and your heart melted.

 “If you weren’t as filthy as a lost boy, I would hug you and kiss you, so if you want that hug and kiss, you better get showered.”

 “Okay, mommy.” CJ began to run away but stopped and came back to stand before Charlie. “Are you going to leave now?” His tone was low, and he looked like he was about to cry.

 “Uh—well, I hadn’t planned on staying this long.”

 “No! No, no, stay please, please, please. Mommy said she was going to make lasagna. It’s my favorite,” CJ rattled on.

 “Mine too,” Charlie admitted. You knew it.

 “Mommy, daddy loves your lasagna too; can he stay for dinner with us? Please, please, pleeeeeeease!”

 “CJ, I’m sure that your dad has things he has to do.”

 “No, he doesn’t, I asked outside he said he has nothing to do. Please, mommy, for meeeeee.” His whine was becoming incessant, sighing you accepted defeat.

 “Okay, only because I’d do anything for you.” CJ smiled widely again then hugged Charlie before he ran off, leaving the two of you standing there.

 “Uh—I can take shower duty, or have you transitioned him to alone ones?”

 “He’s all yours.” Charlie nodded and walked up the stairs where CJ just disappeared from.  

 Once alone, you looked at the flowers in your hands and ignored the flutter in your belly and the sight of one of your favorite wildflowers, dab smack in the middle of the bouquet, the one only Charlie knew about —poppies.

Nearly forty minutes later, dinner was underway, and it felt like old times, the times during your marriage before things went to shit. CJ talked about everything under the sun. He told Charlie all about his soccer schedule and who his friends were in school this month, he even told him all the gossip in his class. It was like he was making up for the last three weeks he hadn’t seen him. That made you sad, but you knew it was just how life was. Charlie was now a full-fledged movie star, and though his star rose years ago, it was still rising. Thanks to his insanely successful show, Sons of Anarchy, his name was a household one, and it came with thousands of thirsty groupies.

 Charlie laughed loudly as he threw his head back, clearly amused by one of CJ’s stories. He truly looked to be enjoying himself to the fullest. You’d long known that CJ was the best thing that had ever happened to Charlie. You’d spent long nights talking about just how much he loved that little boy and everything in you loved to hear him talk about how enamored he was with him. You knew that would never change, no matter what happened between the two of you.

 A little more than halfway through dinner Charlie’s eyes met yours, and it felt like forever ago that you’d looked into them. They looked different, sadder, more detached, and full of something that looked like pain. He looked different to you now than he had months ago. Maybe he was different, you thought.

 “Mommy, can I have dessert?”

 Snapping out of it, you smiled and nodded to your son. “Absolutely, a slice of pineapple upside-down cake coming right up.” You stood and walked into the kitchen to fix three plates of the dessert. When you came back, the two of them were doing thumb wars. Shaking your head, you put the plates down and tried not to think about how much different things could have been.

 The three of you ate your sweet treat and continued to emulate the perfect family. Once dessert was finished, Charlie was the one to initiate doing the dishes something you remembered he promised on your wedding day to do when he loved you the most to show you he cared and appreciated you. There was no way that was the reason now. While he did the dishes with CJ, you busied yourself with finding yet another thing to clean. It was a habit at this point.

 After the tidying was completed, you sat in front of the TV to watch an episode of CJ’s favorite cartoon, The Last Airbender. Through the entire episode, he and Charlie whispered and chatted about the episode then pretended to be from warning nations while they did their bending. It was then you faced how much you missed nights like this. It had been close to two years since the three of you spent time together like this. It was done on purpose. You didn’t think you could handle it. You had no idea how you were now.

 Before you knew it, the time had run away, and it was now almost ten. After telling CJ to get into bed, hit the bottle of your go-to liquor, hoping to find some form of strength to hold you up. Having Charlie there playing doting dad and husband as if he was no longer a part of your life hurt, it hurt a hell of a lot. You still had some animosity about the way things ended.

 When you made it upstairs, Charlie was sitting at the foot of CJ’s bed looking as if he were about to read him his bedtime story. “Oh, it’s cool. You guys go ahead,” you began.

 “Mommy, can you both read to me, like how you used to,” CJ pleaded. That was like a knife to the gut. You’d made CJ your top priority your whole like, and when you and Charlie began to have problems, his happiness was the only thing the two of you agreed on. You didn’t want him to feel as if he were missing anything, but right now, you saw he felt the void.

 “Of course, baby.” Walking around the bed to CJ’s pillow, you settled in your usual place and lifted your bare legs into the bed to cuddle beside your son. CJ dropped his head on your chest, where he knew he could listen to your heart. It was an action he’d always done ever since he was a little boy.

 You kissed the top of his head before you began. “Ready?” CJ nodded. Charlie held out the book to you, but you shook your head. “I’ve got it memorized. You keep it.”

 You took another breath, then began. “A mother bird sat on her egg. The egg jumped. Oh, oh! said the mother bird. “My baby will be here! He will want to eat. I must get something for my baby bird to eat! She said. I will be back! So away, she went.” CJ burrowed deeper into your side, making you smile. When you looked up, Charlie’s eyes were glued on the two of you. Nodding, you signaled for him to take over.

 Charlie cleared his throat and took a breath. “The egg jumped. It jumped and jumped and jumped! Out came the baby bird. Where is my mother, he said? He looked for her. He looked up; he did not see her. He looked down; he did not see her. I will go and look for her. So away, he went.” He read it without looking at the book. He just stared at CJ.

 With your turn, you read the next few pages, but you couldn’t keep your eyes off Charlie. He watched you as you watched him, and it was the most perfect thing. For the next ten or so minutes, you read the book to your son together. When he spoke, he never once looked down at the pages, never once broke the eye contact between you. The only time he glanced from your eyes was to look into his son’s. There were so many instances you had to stifle the flutter of your heart, and countless times, you found yourself looking over his hands and forearms. Even when he caught you, you didn’t seem to care. His voice coupled with how enamored he looked with CJ and vice versa and how rugged he looked, was wreaking havoc on you, especially when you remembered the miscarriage. Once you remembered that, a bitter taste filled your mouth, which brought you back to your reality.

 “All right, prince charming, that’s it,” you gently informed. CJ was still wide awake.

 “Aww. Does that mean you’re leaving now, daddy?” Charlie sighed, and it brought your attention to him. He looked equally as distraught as CJ did. The pit of your stomach knotted. This was never the fun part.

 “I’m afraid so, buddy.”

 “No. Stay, please. I don’t want you to go. I won’t see you for weeks. I miss you. Don’t you miss me? It’s like you don’t like being here with me or with us,” CJ rushed out. You could hear the pain in his voice, and it broke you in two. Looking at Charlie, you could see it was the same for him.

 “Of course, I miss you, buddy. I miss you more than I have the words to say. I always want to be with you, to be here, but you know that’s not our life anymore,” Charlie carefully explained.

 “Baby, it’s all right. Your dad loves you more than anything in this world,” you assured, hoping to smooth things over. It didn’t look like he believed one word you said.

 “Bud, I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise.”

 “I don’t believe you!” With that, the silence in the room was heavy. Charlie looked at his wit’s end with how to console him, and you knew what to do, but you didn’t think you had the strength. You could feel CJ’s tears, and that was the last straw.

 “Look at me, CJ.” Slowly he rose his head to you. you wiped his cheeks and kissed his forehead. “He’ll be here when you wake up.” It was a whisper because that was all you could muster.

 “What?” Charlie’s shock was evident. You looked at him and sighed.

 “You should stay. He needs this—he needs you.”

 Charlie searched your eyes before he spoke again. “Are you sure?”

 No, you weren’t sure. This was probably a bad idea for you, but for CJ, it was the best solution. Nodding your response, you looked back to CJ.

 “He can stay, mommy?” His smile was right back where it should be.

 “He can stay love, but you have to go to sleep.”

 Yayy!” CJ threw his arms around you to show his gratitude and excitement. You kissed him once more then stood.

 “Bed.” CJ kissed your jaw, then dropped back onto his bed and snuggled in his covers.

 “I’m going to stay; it’s been a while since I’ve watched him sleep,” Charlie whispered. Nodding, you walked out the door, leaving it slightly ajar.

 Again, you busied yourself preparing the guestroom, hoping the movement would distract you from not only thinking but worrying about the ramifications of your decision. This would be the first time in almost two years you’d slept under the same roof. Divorced meant over and done with. Of course, divorced with a child didn’t give a shit about over and done. He’d forever be in your life.

 The message you’d received from him a few days ago reminded you of just that. It was the most unexpected thing, the most heartbreaking message you’d gotten from him in a long time. It was so heartbreaking you had to lock yourself in the bathroom with the faucet and shower running to hide the sounds of your bawling from CJ. You ended up hiding in there for close to an hour, and even when you reemerged, you were emotionally unstable for the remainder of the evening. You were so emotionally unstable; there was no way you trusted yourself to respond, so you left it on read. What the fuck were you supposed to say to it anyway?

 After changing the sheets and straightening up a few things, you retreated to your bedroom for some quiet time, quiet time you desperately needed. You didn’t know how to get through the next twenty-four hours. You were struggling. Staring in the mirror, you objectively looked at yourself. You saw the truth, you always had. You just couldn’t afford to let that truth slip to the surface.

 The knock at the door had you leaping to your feet. When you opened it, there was Charlie, and your stomach liked what it saw.

 “Fast asleep?” He nodded and looked down at the floor.

 “I don’t have to stay in the house. I can sleep in my car,” Charlie suggested.

 “I’d do anything for you—for CJ.” The way he said it had your heart racing.

 “It’s fine. I have space. Come on.” You walked out of your bedroom and down the hall leading him to the guestroom you’d just prepped. When he walked into the room, you watched as he looked around.

“I just changed the sheets; they’d been on for weeks. It should be all good.”

 He turned to you, nodding his head. “Thank you, love dove.”

 The name hit you like a mack truck. You audibly “oofed” as you wrapped your arms around your midsection, instantly feeling the effect and the loneliness it brought on. He used to always call you that name, a day would never go by without him whispering it in your ear, against your neck, or your lips. You were brought back to happier times where you’d be locked in your room in bed, just ravaging each other, and he’d whisper it the entire time.

 Charlie must have been going through the same thing you were because he looked regretful before he spoke. “Sorry. Old habits.”

 Again, your stares lingered, and the air in the room was heavy and hot. It was like the last year or so didn’t happen, like he hadn’t broken your heart. He still had an effect.

 “Good night.” It was quickly said, and your exit was just as quick. You spent the next forty or so minutes in the shower. You hoped it would help to calm you down, but it didn't do that, it just gave you more anxiety.

 When you got out, you began to wonder if you’d placed towels in the room. When you saw them in your closet, you realized you’d brought them here mistakenly. Once you wrapped in your robe, you made your way to his room to drop them off. You knocked once, then twice, but neither knocks were answered. Deciding you could chance sneaking in to put the towels down, you opened the door. The sound of the shower running gave you your answer as to why he didn’t answer. Quickly you walked to the bed and put the stack of grey towels on the bed. As you neared it, out came Charlie in all his wet glory. In your shock, the towels fell to the floor and had your eyes snapping shut.

“Oh, god, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. I forgot to leave some towels. I knocked; you didn’t answer.”

 The room was silent; he didn’t speak. You wondered what he was doing. Was he trying to cover himself? Using your hands as your eyes, you felt for the towels you’d dropped. In seconds frustration filled you when you couldn’t find them. Opening your eyes for a second, you saw the towels, but when you looked only a centimeter up, there was his junk right in front of you. He hadn’t budged from his spot and hadn’t even made an attempt to cover himself.

 You meant to look away immediately, but that didn’t happen. He was maybe half a foot from you, close enough to touch. Charlie had always been the most attractive man that you’d seen. He’d always done it for you. With you on your knees before him, you realized that hadn’t changed. A son, a miscarriage, a messy ending to your marriage, and a divorce had done nothing to temper how much you always seemed to want him or be attracted to him.

 You were kneeling there in wide-eyed amazement. It had been years since you’d seen him like this. The deterioration of your marriage meant you spent lots of nights lonely and unloved. Before you gave him divorce papers, it had been seven whole months since you’d been intimate. When you added on the four months it took for the divorce to finalize and the year of being a divorcee, you hadn’t gotten laid in over two years. It was shameful because right now you knew why only he had an impact, only he would do.

 “It’s okay,” Charlie whispered. His voice was shaking, and he sounded hopelessly breathless. “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before in great detail.”

 Again, you remembered all the things you’d done to him in great detail over the six years of your marriage. Jumping to your feet, you tried your hardest to look away from his inviting appendage. You held out the stack of towels to him with your head turned to the side and waited for him to take them. When his hands grasped the items, they brushed yours and sent thousands of electric sparks through your hand and directly into your heart.

 Your eyes met again, and they lingered on each other. You hoped he couldn’t hear your heart, hoped he couldn’t tell what a fraud you were.

 “I should go,” you whispered.

 “You don’t have to.” His response awoke a need in you that you thought you’d buried. You knew what he was suggesting. Everything in you wanted to take the gentle suggestion and cross the room to him, but then what.

 Groaning, you peeled your eyes from his and turned. “Yes, I have to. Good night Charlie.” Those were the last words before you made your rapid exit.

 The following morning you awoke to the scent of food being prepared. When you looked at the clock, it was almost ten. Usually, you’d be up by eight. You’d slept in. Quickly you brushed your teeth and pulled on a pair of leggings then went downstairs. As you neared the kitchen, you could smell the evidence of what promised to be a delicious breakfast. You turned, and there was Charlie standing over the store in his tank cooking away. Good lord help you he’d buffed up even more, you thought. Times like these you wished things had been different. You missed mornings like this. Charlie looked up and smiled when he saw you. As you approached, his eyes roamed your body before his eyebrows knitted together.

 “What?”

 “Is that my hoodie?” You looked over yourself and realized your error. It was normal for you to sleep in his clothes, but you didn’t realize you still worse it.

 “Nope.” It was a lie but one he couldn’t fully prove.

 Charlie scoffed but didn’t speak again for a long time. You took the opportunity to bring up his impromptu visit.

 “You can’t just show up unannounced Charlie. That is not okay. You can see CJ whenever you want I have never kept the two of you apart but just showing up here—you can’t.”

 Charlie nodded and but kept his eyes down. “I know, I’m sorry. I just—I really missed CJ, and I had to see him, so see you. I couldn’t stay away. I wanted to talk.”

 What the hell were you supposed to say to that, you thought. Sensing your speechlessness, Charlie spoke. “I’m sorry about last night. I was out of line.”

 “Let’s not talk about it, CJ will be down any minute.”

 “I have to talk about it. I’m losing my mind. I’ve been losing it for the last near two years, and—I’m struggling,” Charlie admitted. His candor shook you. Half of you wanted to know more, but the other half was too scared.

 “Charlie, it’s fine. Let’s move on.”

 “I can’t. I can’t be like you. You have everything so put together. You’ve pieced this life together without me, and I can’t seem to piece any life together without you—without CJ.”

 It was then CJ came running down. It should have been sooner because you were absolutely ruined now.  You and Charlie stared at each other. He was daring you to speak, to acknowledge what he’d just dropped on you.

 “Daddy!” CJ jumped onto Charlie bringing his attention to your son. You took the reprieve to dip into the half bath to pull yourself together.

 You tried to wrap your head around what he’s said, tried to make sense of it. After five minutes, you still couldn’t come to terms with it, so you did the next best thing, pushed it aside. When you walked back out, CJ was sitting at the dining table, as was Charlie.

 “Ready to eat, mommy?”

 “Absolutely.” You sat at the table and dove into the food, all the while avoiding Charlie’s eyes. Through breakfast, he and CJ talked and joked with each other. It was a welcomed chatter because it took the attention off you.

 Once breakfast was finished, you cleaned the dishes while CJ got himself dressed for a playdate he’d been looking forward to the whole week. Now that Charlie was there, he refused to go. It wasn’t until Charlie promised he’d still be there when he got back did CJ agree. When the two of them came down, CJ was dressed and ready just in time for him to be picked up. You thanked Claudia for setting it up the playdate and waved goodbye to CJ from the front door.

 When you turned around, Charlie was leaning on the steps watching. You hesitated closing the door to enclose yourself in a confined space that had plenty of surfaces for him to bend you over. When you did, you quickly walked back to the kitchen.

 “We have to talk, Y/N.”

 “No, we don’t. There is nothing to talk about.”

 “Bullshit. After yesterday, last night, even in the kitchen this morning. We have plenty to talk about,” Charlie responded, following you through the house.

 “Charlie, don’t.”

 “I have to. Are you happy? Like really happy? It’s been a year. Are you happy? Is this what you wanted? Did you want our son feeling like a consolation in our relationship?”

 “Are you happy? You’ve gotten what you wanted.”

 “Me?! Y/N, you gave me divorce papers. You left our house and never came back,” Charlie shouted through clenched jaws.

 “Oh right, I’m the big bad wolf. You know how to fight for a role, but you have no clue how to fight for your marriage, your son. Classic.” You slammed the kitchen fridge unsure why you’d opened it in the first place.

 “Don’t pull that. I fought, I came to you over and over, begging you not to do it, pleading with you. You refused to listen.”

 “What did you come to me for Charlie? What the hell did you prove to me? What did you show me? What was I going back for? The same bullshit? The same treatment?! In all the times you came begging and pleading, you never once showed me how things would change. You just didn’t want a divorce under your belt. You didn’t want the press to get wind of it.”

 “That’s bullshit! I wanted my wife; I wanted my son! You didn’t want me. When did you stop loving me, Y/N?”

 You looked at him incredulously. He had to be fucking kidding, you thought. Your anger was rising by leaps and bounds, and you knew the next words out your mouth were going to be venom. “Is the weight of it all too heavy now, Charlie? A year later, a year after you switched up and changed? A year after you showed me time and time and again what was important, who was important. You showed me I didn’t mean shit; CJ didn’t mean shit. I was not going to stay and turn into those Hollywood couples who hated each other and only remained for the spotlight. No!”

 “You gave up on me,” Charlie whispered.

 “Fuck you! You gave up. You gave up on me and us long before I left you those divorce papers. You did.” You walked away because you could feel your tears spilling over, but you turned around back to him, tired of hiding the fallout of his actions. “You know what makes all of this so much worse? My friends told me this would happen. They told me before we got married, told me to slow down, be careful with you, and I defended you. I defended you till kingdom come. Look where we are, Charlie! Living in a perfect lie!”

 “I don’t want to live this lie. I miss you, Y/N. I miss CJ. I miss our life; I miss our family. I’m miserable,” Charlie dropped.

 His tears ran down his cheeks, and you flared your nose. This was always your weakness. Charlie had always been in touch with his emotions, but his emotions had to be overwhelming for him to cry.

 “Good. You sowed this Charlie. You brought all of this on. My baby--,” you began, but the pain was too much. Charlie sobbed and dropped his head back.

 “I’m sorry,” he said as he approached you. You steadily backed away from him, not wanting him to touch you.

 “Y/N,” Charlie began as you shook your head.

 “No. I’m not doing this with you. I refuse.”

 Charlie quickly caught you before you turned and kept you facing him. “You can’t run from this Y/N. Face it with me, please.”

 You kept a straight face, refusing to cry any more. You refused to allow him any closer than he already was. You wouldn’t survive it this time. Charlie grunted out in frustration when he realized you were hell-bent on keeping him at bay.

 “Y/N!”

 “What do you want from me, Charlie?” You shot death rays right at him.

 “I want you to say anything! Scream! Yell at me! Just something to show you fucking care.”

 “Why should I care? Why the hell should I give one flying fuck?”

 “Because I’m still in love with you!”

 The words felt like a slap in the face. You’d imagined how they’d sound coming from him during the whole divorce process, during the whole year after the divorce. You were convinced he didn’t love you anymore for him to have treated you the way he did, for him to have done what he did in Cannes. The stress of it brought on your miscarriage.

 Though you’d wanted to hear them, you hadn’t prepared to hear them.

 “I love you. God, I can't keep pretending like I'm okay with any of this. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t kill me to be away from you, to be away from CJ. I can’t act like I’m thriving or happy. I’m not. I’m miserable. I wish I could press rewind and go back and better, do better. I wish I knew better then, as I know now. I fucked up, and I regret it more than I’ve ever regretted anything in my life. If I had been a better man, none of this would have happened. If I’d only been the man you deserved our baby—our princess would be here right now. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life, the pain that I caused your miscarriage, the pain that I broke our vows, that I broke your heart, I broke us.”

 Charlie dropped his forehead to your collar, and his tears dropped across your chest. They felt like acid peeling away every barrier you’d built between him and your heart. He was saying everything you want him to, everything. He wasn’t holding anything back. They were words you’d desperately wanted to hear.

 “I’m sorry, love dove. I never wanted to give up on you--on us. I loved you so much. You were my world until CJ. Then you became my universe. I lost myself. I lost sight of you and me. I lost sight of the man I was and wanted to be. For that, I will always be sorry. Losing you and CJ, it broke me. I stand here a broken man. I had to find me again. It’s been hard, but the root of me is you and my son. My family. You have always been what mattered, and I regret I ever lost that, that I ever made you feel like you weren’t my everything.”

 One lone tear rolled down your cheek, and that was just the beginning. When Charlie swiped it away with the pad of his thumb, the flood gates opened. You bawled uncontrollably, all your emotions finally catching up to you. Charlie wept with you, and that was how the two of you stayed for countless minutes.

 When you opened your eyes and realized how close he was, you sniffled. Slowly the two of you inched to one another. Before your lips touched, both of you hesitated. “Fall back in love with me, love dove.” He whispered.

 He really thought you’d ever fallen out of love with him. “You’re an idiot if you think I’ve ever fallen out of love with you.” The hope you saw in Charlie’s eyes set your belly fluttering. It was overwhelming. Charlie claimed your lips in a soft but passionate kiss that took your breath away. It was so intense you felt as if you’d been possessed by sheer desire. The kiss began timid and soft, but in seconds, it had turned into a lustful and sensual soul transference. Charlie’s hands gripped your hips and pulled you flush against him before he lifted you in his arms.

 Wrapping your legs around him, you kissed him back with as much heat as you kissed you. Soon the two of you were walking through the house blindly looking for anywhere. Charlie plopped you onto something, and the backs of your knees said it was the kitchen island. Quickly both of you stripped each other. He pulled off his hoodie from your body as you peel his shirt off. Charlie cupped your breasts when he realized you weren’t wearing a bra then dipped his mouth to your mounds. Instantly you moaned and hugged his head to your flesh.

 Charlie nipped and hypnotizingly sucked your skin, bringing you more and more ecstasy. It had been so long since you’d felt like this; you didn’t want to think about anything else but the sensations. Charlie pushed you back onto the island and brought his lips down your stomach to your hip. Once there, he pulled off your leggings in one fluid motion. His beard tickled your skin and had you wriggling underneath him. Charlie’s groan was loud when he realized you wore nothing under those leggings.

 In seconds he’d draped your legs over his shoulder and reclaimed claimed ownership of the most intimate part of you. He moaned as he lapped at your wetness and teased and pleased your body. You bucked your hips against his lips, feeling your orgasm barrel toward you. Everything in you said it was going to be a catastrophic one. You panted and gasped his name as your body wildly thrashed, unable to control it any longer.

 “Aah, yes, right there. Yes, Charlie, yes, yes!”

 Your scream was loud, and the tightness of your legs around his head was enough to suffocate. Charlie didn’t panic. Instead, he lifted your lower half into the air and continued his feast, not caring if you were overstimulated or not. Your screech echoed off the walls of the kitchen, and you tried to pry him away from your sex. He refused to budge even when you’d unwrapped your legs the best you could. Yet another orgasm ripped through you, sending a gush of moisture all over his mouth and beard. Charlie groaned, gripped your breasts, and squeezed hard enough for you to know just how tightly wound he was.

 When he pried your legs from around him, you felt the renewed fire and quickly slid off the island to drop before him. You hurriedly stripped him eager to have him. Once he was free, his heavy cock bobbed in front of you. Wasting no more time, you slid him into your mouth, ignoring your gag and took every inch he was blessed with. Charlie shouted and hugged your head to his cock, keeping him lodged tightly in your throat. Sensing the low levels of your air supply, he pulled back enough to give you a brief reprieve. It was all you needed and more than you wanted.

 Slamming him back into your mouth, you lodged him in your throat again, all the while moaning enthusiastically. Charlie’s hands never left your head just as his mouth never closed. Moan after moan fell from him as you sucked and slurped his length. In no time at all, Charlie was thrusting into your mouth hell-bent on finding his long-overdue release. Just as you were finding a groove, Charlie pulled from your mouth with a loud “pop” before he pulled you up and pushed you onto the island.

 With you bent over the island and your ass poked out for him, Charlie rubbed his cock across your soaking folds sending shivers through you. He bent to your ear and kissed you.

 “I love you, only you. Endlessly for eternity.” It was the same thing he’d said the night of your wedding before he joined you for the first time as husband and wife. When you peeped behind you and locked eyes with him, you knew the two of you had an understanding. Charlie kissed your back then snapped his hips forward, harshly, and completely filling you to the hilt. You shouted and gripped the island. Your knees bucked from the sheer pleasure of just this. When you clenched around him, Charlie, have you just what you wanted—a rough tryst.

 Every slam into your core had you clenching around him. Each thrust was more bruising than the last, and each one brought tears to your eyes. They weren’t hurt tears; they were a mixture of relief and complete joy. You shouted his name over and over, not caring how needy or desperate you sounded. You could feel how on edge he was; his body shook every time he filled you, and every time you said his name, he shouted yours.

 When Charlie began jackhammering into you clearly lost in his pleasure, you left planet Earth. Only he could have you like this. Only he could fuck you into outer space. You knew he was close, and the second he whimpered behind you, you pressed back into him, throwing your ass back onto him. Charlie sucked in a breath, and his whimpers intensified. The slap to your ass was the last thing you needed to be pushed over the edge, an edge you dragged him over. Charlie grunted and groaned as he filled you with every ounce of his love.

 It took several long moments for the two of you to come down from your sultry sex bubble. After having you across the island, you rode him until his toes curled, and he saw stars on the kitchen floor leaned against the same island. By the time you’d both stopped, hours had passed. Neither of you were fully satiated. As Charlie hugged you to him still buried deep within you, he tipped your chin so you were looming at him.

 “Marry me again.” Shocked, you searched his face for his meaning.

 “You’re not serious.”

 “I am. Will you be my wife again?” the gleam of silver caught your eye, and you looked down to see him wearing your engagement and wedding ring on a chain around his neck. Your world shattered. He’d worn them this entire time. Locking eyes with him again, you knew he could tell you realized what he was wearing.

 “All this time?” Charlie held up his hand to show you the silver wedding band he still wore.

 “I promised forever; I wasn’t done with it.” Your tears fell, and so many emotions filled you; you had no idea which one to go with.

 “I have to do whatever it takes to stop my heart from being broken, Charlie,” you whispered.

 “I’ll never break your heart again. I know how it ends. I know what it means. I can’t risk my life without you or CJ anymore. I can’t.” His tears welled, and you believed him.

 “Surrender to me, love dove. Surrender to me as I can only surrender to you.” His voice was pleading with you. Closing your eyes, you listened to your soul, the place where no fear lived. When you looked at him, you trailed your thumb across his bottom lip.

 “Give them back.” Charlie looked confused for a few seconds before he got it. Quickly he yanked the chain from around his neck and slid the rings off to hover them over your finger before he locked eyes with you.

 “Never again will we be here. Never again will I lose us,” Charlie forcefully vowed.

 “Never again will I walk away,” you responded. He looked overwhelmingly emotional then, but you could see him holding as much of it back as possible. When he slid the rings onto your finger, both of you sighed as if you both felt instant relief.

 You knew this was a new beginning for the two of you but also for CJ. You knew that neither of you would ever again make the same mistakes.

 “I surrender,” you both whispered together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[love-bokumono-fics]

WIP Wednesday

With no game feature this week, let's look at some of the recent WIPs that haven't gotten a chance to be featured yet on the blog. These are the works that haven't been updated since I started the blog, so they haven't been included in the weekly Fresh Crops, or haven't been included in other feature posts yet.

Here's hoping you find a great new story to keep up with and await updates with bated breath!

(Have a WIP fic of your own that you'd like featured? Drop a link in the submission box! We'd love to see them!)

Edmond Route - by Mysterious_Prologue_Guy; WIP, 37/?, 54k

Rating: Mature; Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings; Category: F/M

Fandoms: Light of Hope, Skytree Village

Relationship: Edmond/Light the farmer; Characters: Edmond, Farmer, Gareth, Tabitha, Harvest Goddess

Additional Tags: Harvest Moon a Light of Hope, Harvest Moon, Harvest moon Skytree Village

Summary: Contains spoilers. Meeting of Edmond and heart events.

Barriers - by krose13; WIP, 21/?, 148k

Rating: Mature; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M

Fandoms: Friends of Mineral Town, Harvest Moon DS Cute

Relationships: Claire the Farmer/Gray, Ann the Innkeeper | Ran/Cliff; Characters: Claire, Gray, Ann the Innkeeper | Ran, Cliff, Kai, Karen, Popuri, Mary the Librarian, Rick, Basically the whole Mineral Town cast, plus Forget-Me-Not Valley

Additional Tags: Drama & Romance, Complicated Relationships, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Not for the kiddos, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, Unplanned Pregnancy, trying to fit a realistic pregnancy in hm time is a challenge but we doin it, POV First Person, Mutual Pining, Drug Use, Dreams and Nightmares, Drowning, I’ll probably have to add more tags as we go along but

Summary: Unlike everyone else in town, Gray wants nothing to do with the new farmer. He can't stand Claire, despite all her attempts to befriend him. But when one small mistake leads to an even bigger problem, he might be seeing a lot more of her than they both had planned.

Watered-Down Ideals - by LemWrites; WIP, 4/?, 4k

Rating: Not Rated; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Categories: M/M, Multi

Fandoms: Trio of Towns

Relationships: Farmer/Ludus; Characters: Original Male Character, Frank, Megan, Hector, Colin, Noel | Noelle

Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Fluff, Self Confidence Issues, ADHD, I gave a farmer adhd and anxiety, this may have more projection then intended

Summary: Join Steve, the newly appointed farmer in the Trio of Towns world, on a journey full of; useless gay pinning, being a disaster, self hatred and more!

The Language of Flowers - by spoopybat; WIP, 68/?, 158k

Rating: Explicit; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M

Fandoms: The Tale of Two Towns

Relationships: Cam | Kamil/Lillian the Farmer | Sato, Chelsea/Vaughn | Waltz; Characters: Lillian the Farmer | Sato, Cam | Kamil, Ash, Laney | Lia, Georgia | Raspberry, Chelsea, Vaughn | Waltz

Additional Tags: Tags Contain Spoilers, POV Alternating, Background Relationships, Starting Over, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Minor Character Death, Background Character Death, Minor Violence, Minor Injuries, Physical Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Socially Awkward Characters, Cliche, Mutual Pining, Awkwardness, Awkward Flirting, Emotional Baggage, References to Depression, Dorks in Love, Dysfunctional Family, Melodrama, Family Drama, First Love, First Relationship, Sharing a Bed, Making Out, Loss of Virginity, First Time, Morning After, Morning Cuddles, Christmas, Domestic Fluff, Unplanned Pregnancy, Pregnancy, Morning Sickness, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Constipation, Arguing, Medical Conditions, Medical inaccuracies but I'm gonna do my best, Panic Attacks, Engagement, Wedding Planning, Wedding Fluff, Weddings, Honeymoon, Body Worship, Making Love, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Mental Anguish, Spa Treatments, Fights, Making Up, Mental Health Issues, Depression, Language of Flowers, Emotional reunion [Some tags removed to keep post sfw]

Summary: Lillian, a young woman from the Sunshine Islands, left her home and moved to Bluebell. In hopes that moving to this rural farm town to escape her troubled past and find the happy life she had always wanted.

Finding You - by HarukazeRen; WIP, 4/?, 3k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings; Category: F/M

Fandoms: Harvest Moon 64

Relationship: Karen/Pete | Jack; Characters: Karen, Pete | Jack

Additional Tags: Harvest Moon 64, Tsundere Karen, Flashbacks, Slow Romance, Handsome Pete, Karen's hearts event, Some of Gray/Popuri and Ann/Cliff

Summary: Whenever he meets her, some memories of his childhood flash in his mind. A little girl who was playing with him and made his heart skipped a beat. He tries to trace the shadow of her because he wants to make sure, why does he keep thinking of her.

Earth and Rebirth - by TheBeckster; WIP, 17/?, 66k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Categories: Multi, Gen

Fandoms: Trio of Towns

Characters: Holly, Frank, Marlena, Wayne, Ford, Lisette, Brad, Carrie, everyone

Additional Tags: Undecided Relationship(s), Additional Tags to Be Added, lots of headcanons, Minor Character Death, Eventual Friends to Lovers, I'm not going to tag every single character, but they will all have a part in the story, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, New friends and found family, world building, Angst with a Happy Ending, Holly is an extrovert, endgame ship tbd, Cover Art

Summary: Holly considered herself fortunate to be living about as close to the dream as any young twenty-something could. A great family, a loving husband, and well, she'd admit their apartment was awful, but they'd be moving onto bigger and better things soon enough. She truthfully couldn't wish for more. But when an accident rips it all away from her, Holly finds herself seeking a change of scenery. Her Uncle's farm out in the middle of nowhere is the perfect place for her to hide to mourn. A familiar story with a twist or two.

Fire and Dew - by Juliko; WIP, 9/26, 73k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings; Category: F/M

Fandoms: Trio of Towns

Relationship: Yuzuki/Original Character; Characters: Original Female Character(s) of Color, Original Characters, Yuzuki, Sumomo, Lisette, Colin, Wayne, Brad, Carrie, Shizu, Yaichi, Tatsumi, Omiyo, Umekichi, Lynn, Marlena, Daryl | Darius, Ittetsu, Moriya

Additional Tags: Harvest Moon, story of seasons, farming, Slice of Life, Drama, Family Drama, Family Issues, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Original Character(s), Major Original Character(s), Female Character of Color, Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Friendship/Love, Past Child Abuse, Child Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Romance, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Humor, Eventual Happy Ending, Comedy, Friends to Lovers, Adoption, Sick Character, Lulukoko characters won't appear in this fic, Falling In Love, Dorks, Ableism, Happy Ending, Romantic Fluff, Break Up, Past Relationship, Cows, Chickens, Sheep, Rabbits, Flowers, Stimming, Family Fluff, Bisexual Female Character, Pansexual Character, Lesbian Character, Children, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma

Summary: For as long as she could remember, Harper Leigh Maxwell's dream has always been to become a farmer, but her father's job makes it hard to do so, since it involves lots of moving. After graduating from college, she finally decides to take a chance and get her own farm. She's determined to make the most of this opportunity and do what she's wanted. In the process, she makes new friends, learns many new things, and faces many hardships. One of the friends she makes is Yuzuki Fujiwara, a mellow, sweet natured man from the town of Tsuyukusa who doesn't have the best constitution. The two of them form a strong connection that may even end up blossoming into love. But Harper's past might make things complicated, and when it threatens to catch up with her, she may find herself facing the demons from her pre-adoption early childhood. This is the story of two different people, with different interests, passions, and paths in life, walking the same dirt road every day...

Finding the Way Forward - by AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic; WIP, 5/?, 35k

Rating: Mature; Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings; Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Fandoms: Story of Seasons (2014)

Relationship: Johnny/Fritz; Characters: Johnny, Fritz, Elise, Oak Tree Town, OCs

Additional Tags: Romance, Drama, Slice of Life, Friendship, Family, Heavy Subject Matter, Humor, If Reina Pops Up Here I Will Refuse to Refer to Her as Licorice

Summary: Three youths move to Oak Tree Town on the verge of adulthood - each one an outsider in their own way, setting out on their own paths in life under their own circumstances. When those paths begin to cross over and influence each other, they all find that they might have some growing up to do if they want to find their way forward in life. Slash, M later. Heavy themes present.

Bring On The Wonder - by UrzaHemlock; WIP, 1/?, 2k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M

Fandoms: Animal Parade, Tree of Tranquility

Relationships: Molly | Hikari/Toby | Tao, Candace | Kotomi/Luke the Carpenter; Characters: Toby | Tao, Luke the Carpenter, Candace, Harvest Goddess, Finn, Molly/Hikari is Corina

Additional Tags: Rating May Change, Slow Burn, Original Character(s), Family Issues, Plot of the game but with fleshed out magic and trials, Mostly Animal Parade but with some elements from Tree of Tranquility mixed in, more tags to come, Possible change to Mature down the road

Summary: When Corina agreed to help Finn the harvest sprite save the Goddess Tree, it seemed the perfect chance to start over. After all, how hard could ringing some bells be? But magic isn't that simple, and Corina quickly discovers that there is more to being a savior. She'll have to throw all of herself into saving Castanet, body, mind, and even soul. She'll have to endure physical trials and emotional turmoil and even confront the things she wants to run from... ...but with the help of some new friends and a rather sleepy fisherman, she might just pull through.

Trial & Error - by KuramaBabe; WIP, 3/?, 3k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/F

Fandoms: Back To Nature, Save the Homeland, Magical Melody

Relationships: Gwen/Original Female Character, Gray & Original Female Character, Popuri & Original Female Character, Karen & Original Female Character, Cliff & Original Female Character, Ray & Original Female Character; Characters: Karen, Gray, Cliff, Popuri, Saibara, Harvest Goddess, Harvest Goddess Mariel, Gwen, Joe, Ray, Mary the Librarian, Original Female Character(s), Dog, Original Child Character(s), Original Male Character(s)

Additional Tags: Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexuality, High School, Graduation, Party, Family Issues, Dysfunctional Family, Family Drama, Families of Choice, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Name Changes, Dead name, Makeover, Hair, Injury, Slow To Update, Strangers to Lovers, Starting Over, Road Trips, a capella, Fishing, failure - Freeform, Homophobia, Lesbian Character, My First Work in This Fandom, Coming Out, Cynophobia, Minor Karen/Rick, Minor Gray/Mary | Marie, Abuse

Summary: Maribelle has known for a long time she's different. But when she finally comes to accept it, her home life turns into something ugly. With the help of a friend, she changes her identity and moves to Sugar Valley. However, she has no idea she's moving into a construction zone and most of the inhabitants have already left...