#i want to make a joke like 'imagine having imposter syndrome that bad???'

[scary-senpai]

What's the appeal of Garou/Genos? Why do you like this ship?

Oh bless you, anon--do you really want to know what's in my head?

[begin affectionately cheeky answer]

"I'm Genos, and this is my husband Saitama.

And this is our boyfriend, Garou.

And this is Garou's boyfriend, Mumen Rider.

And this is Garou's other boyfriend, Metal Bat.

And this is Fubuki--"

[[cue Fubuki winking seductively, possibly while holding a whip.]]

[/end affectionately cheeky answer]

...I’m being a tiny bit hyperbolic here although I have a special place in my heart for polyam pairings...but I guess you could say I’m a multi-shipper? Although honestly I’ve never been keen to use “shipping” as a verb (at least when it comes to myself)--it sounds a bit like trying to make a thing happen. And really, I’m not expecting anything--just out here playing in my own sandbox, admiring all the beautiful and different things to be made from the same material.

My initial (equally playful) reaction was “bold of you to assume I have any modicum of control over my hyperfixations”--but when it comes to “why ship these characters?,” I suspect the answer has something to do with spending the first half of my life as a feral wolf child and the second half in crippling over-speculation whilst smugly showing off my arms (well, my arm tattoos--same difference 😉) ....I feel for the Lone Wolf and the Brave Little Toaster, is all I’m saying.

Anyway, if I ship them, it is not because of Chapter 165...in fact I held off answering this question until I could confirm that the aforementioned characters made it out alive 😬. Recent events hardly bolstered my enthusiasm for this pairing, although it seems like my fics got more attention? Hard to tell at this point whether it’s just the fandom re-activating, or if there’s literally a correlation between character conflict and ship-ability. I will crunch the numbers at some point. For science!

Facetious answers aside, I think it all started when I watched the shack scene (I was anime only at first). I’ve had this pervasive (and entirely unsupported) headcanon that Garou and Genos are from the same village (which would explain why Garou’s parents are conspicuously absent).

Specifically, my Overly Sad & Entirely Unsupported Headcanon is that Genos is this kid, the one Garou initially saved from the bullies:

So, essentially my brain saw this incredibly tragic and heart-wrenching scene—two characters that are essentially kids, both fixated on justice, each grappling with their own anger and grief, struggling to maintain their purity of heart in a violent and unforgiving crapshoot universe—they have so much in common, so much they could learn from each other, and here they are, literally at each other’s throats.

… and that’s when a little voice in my head went: “this scene is great, but do you know what would make it better? Sad. This scene needs more sad.”

And, yeah, I’ve always felt that’s the problem with choosing sides—essentially, you’ll end up fighting friends and neighbors. Sometimes it’s not that the guy you’re fighting isn’t actually the same guy that saved you, or will save you—it’s that he could be.

…anyway, I have but one superpower, and it is angst (usually existential angst). gomenasai ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So, the other thing about my headcanons is that they are very contrarian. Basically, on one shoulder I have a little angel/devil thing crying “more angst!” and a second little angel/devil thing yelling, “well, actually!...what if it’s opposite of what we all expect!” (which would explain my headcanons about Garou’s parents as well-intentioned people trying very hard, but never in a way that Garou experiences as help).

Interestingly, I love Unintentional Sad but I sometimes get squicked when characters are deliberately hurtful to each other. When people write incorrect quotes / fics / etc, they usually have Garou and Genos bickering and being mean to each other, and it just kinda brings me down a bit--I think it would, even if I didn’t ship them. I read to escape that stuff, you know? My personal humor-writing mantra is, “it is not comedy to be mean, that is called being lonesome and frustrated,” but YMMV. In any case, my brain is edge-ily rebelling with niceness. I can’t complain.

And if Genos did manage to pull off sarcasm, I feel like Garou’s immediate response would be “OMG BABY’S FIRST VERBAL IRONY???” and those would be his last words before promptly getting cremated. Worth it.

But to be insufferably (and kindly) contrarian, I like to imagine Genos and Garou arguing constantly in a way that makes everyone around them uncomfortable, but not because of their vitriol--everyone else becomes uncomfortable because Garou and Genos are far and away the smartest people in the room, and yet distressingly petty: is it ethical to win Monopoly by inciting a housing shortage, or does that cause undo hardship towards Meeples? Can you actually mispronounce words, or are the rules of language merely illusory? How come I can only tell Knock-Knocks from inside the house--doesn’t that negate the entire premise?

...turns out that I have a second superpower, and it is witty banter. XD

In any case, though, whenever I write/headcanon Garou x Genos, Saitama is always there--the first fic I published in this fandom was Garou x Genos, but very quickly I found my favorite interactions between Garou and Saitama were my favorite ones to write. I’ve basically given them my ideal relationship, which is all of the shenanigans and none of the sex, but also a very deep bond that causes all the benevolent trolling to blossom into accidental character growth.

Also, I feel like if you put the three of them together, the most rational person in your household automatically becomes Garou, and that’s...something. One of my favorite bits of dialogue to write features all three of them arguing about Thank-You cards that Tareo made, which Tareo has decorated with glitter and dried macaroni. Should you actually cook that pasta? The vote is split 2-to-1, and you can probably guess how that shakes out. Garou will gladly eat monster corpses but draws the line at macaroni art. Anyway, this is the reason why my “brotp and sometimes ot3″ hashtag exists.

But seriously, anon, thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about this. I excitedly drafted many, many responses but found it was difficult for me to answer without info-dumping. Aside from my incorrigible and irrational headcanon, I have some thoughts on why their dynamics appeal to me, which I initially posted on my main blog back in 2020:

Genos, immune to sarcasm, interprets all of Garou’s snarky comments as sincere statements (which is what Garou wanted all along). Garou makes a lot of backhanded sardonic comments instead of admitting his actual needs & feelings, because he assumes he’ll be rejected. So imagine how Garou would feel if someone picked up on all his subtext, especially if it is someone as devoted as Genos?

Implacably Impish Garou is intrigued by Overly Stoic Cyborg. Garou thinks to himself "This guy never smiles? Challenge accepted!“ Imagine an exasperated Garou mercilessly tickling Genos, all the while yelling "Laugh, dammit, I’m fucking hilarious!” …This turned into a “Five Times Genos Didn’t Smile, and One Time He Did” fic that is currently a Work-in-Progress.

Genos is willing to stand by others, even when they are unpopular. Think of that touching moment between Saitama and Genos after Sea King battle. Or all the hate mail that Saitama receives after saving City Z from a meteor. I like to think that, while Genos often interprets the world in binary terms, he has demonstrated an understanding of how fickle public opinion can be and how nuanced/complex the business of justice is. Also, when Genos sees the good in someone he really latches onto it - Genos’ unwavering faith in Saitama inspires Saitama to act more nobly. Genos has an endearingly imperfect purity of heart, similar to Garou.

Seriously, though, so much adorable teasing. (Ex: A fluffy Wanpanmas drabble wherein Garou chastises Genos for his choice of Christmas decorations)

I also touched on this in a different fic-specific ask, but I think they have some interesting character parallels when it comes to more serious things:

I’ve always perceived Garou and Genos as characters that aren’t going towards strength as much as they’re running away from perceived weakness, and abandoning their human bodies has become an integral part of that journey for them. And that’s the response you’d expect, given the things that they’ve witnessed even from a young age.

Anyway, the full text of that ask can be found here, if you’re curious--specifically, it goes into the both of them coping with trauma/grief, and how those feelings manifest for these characters. But I am also mindful that you did not specifically ask about my writing, and WIPs a topic on which I can easily ramble for days.

In summary, I know this pairing isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, and I’m fine with that. When it comes to my writing, the feedback I get is usually “I’m not into Garou x Genos but I like how you write them” or “your plot is interesting enough that I’m willing to give this fic a shot”--which...feels like a huge compliment, actually! If we go back to the “playing in sandboxes” metaphor I used earlier, I feel like I’m mostly working alone but occasionally some very nice Batarou/Saigenos people will stop by, give me a juice box, and then ask me, with utmost sincerity, “are ya havin’ fun, kid?” And, yes! I’m having so much fun. The only thing I have to work on is de-coupling my love of creating things with my need for feedback, and practicing non-attachment has been part of my personal learning journey lately, anyway.

I will admit, haha, that I was a little nervous about answering this question. It came in the same day I posted about crying over Saigenos--not out of jealousy, it’s just a really beautiful ship, and it’s had an influx of some heart-wrenchingly beautiful meta. It also came a few days after I had mentioned being salty about Batarou--actually, not about the pairing specifically (because that’s probably what I read the most), but because I had done some drabbles for Wanpanmas and I wrote 100 words of Gearou and 100 words of Batarou--and I felt like they were equally well-written, but the engagement was much higher for the Batarou fic. I hadn’t been in the fandom space for awhile, and I had just...forgotten how fandoms work. In my day, we didn’t really have the concept of a “comfort ship” (or the ability to filter fics by pairing/character/etc, for that matter), but now that I do know, I think that the idea of a comfort ship is a really beautiful thing, even if your ship is not my ship. It’s really cool that fictional characters can build IRL communities. The Internet is a magical place sometimes, when it is not terrible .

Thank you again for this ask, anon! I was so, so excited to ramble on about this, and seriously, just thinking that someone was interested in my answer made me smile for days and days. Stay safe and be will, Cherished Internet Stranger!

[fandomhype]

Plagiarism Somerton

I obviously didn't watch the new James Somerton apology video ON his channel because I did not want to give that man the views and you shouldn't either! It has been re-uploaded and summarised elsewhere so that he doesn't benefit if anyone wants to see it.

The original hbomberguy video was wild to me because of all the stealing, I found it highly entertaining, loved all the Memes and it honestly did my imposter syndrome wonders! but then I watched the Todd in the shadows video and it really upset me.

He didn't just steal from other LGBT creators he lied to his mostly young LGBT audiance who were looking to an elder gay for guidance and to learn about their history.

Todd's video starts with a clip of James lies being spread by another person on a podcast, there's clips of people discussing his made up gay nazi fanfic he has presented as hard facts. He actively harmed his own community for cash! There are young gay men bringing that subject up in conversation being laughed at for falling for it and that leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.

Now I'm not a part of that community but a lot of people I love are so that angered me a lot.

...and then he comes back with another apology video, conveniently within the three months he would have had to post something on his channel to retain his monetisation status weirdly?! In which he blames both a head injury and his ADHD for his theft - at no point does he address the lying in either apology video or any of the apology posts he made that I could find.

I have combined ADHD, when I was first diagnosed the NHS referred to it as ADD with Hyperactivity element but everyone seems to have gone back to calling it ADHD and that is the term used most commonly online so that is what I refer to it is as.

I am medicated but there has been a world wide shortage of my medication and I was without it for some time over winter, which was HELL! I got nothing done.

I am in no way a big creator, Youtube for me is a fun wee hobby that will hopefully grow and allow me to collaborate with other people with similar interests but ADHD is for sure a large part of my journey as a creator.

I've published like 7 videos and currently have around 10 being worked on because, you know... ADHD! *siren noises*

I know that I am forgetful sometimes, just for the record I also had several head injuries and concussions as a child because Lil undiagnosed at the time me truly had no fear of climbing or other dangerous activities so I have my script (because free talking a subject with this brain would be nearly impossible) open in one google doc and my research open in another. It's not hard.

That's the way it was at school, college and Uni too. James claims he went to Uni to do business. Every university uses anti-plagerism software for essays and has done since like the mid 2000's? so he knows not to copy pasta. He's straight up lying there.

Another thing he's lying about is his ADHD making him forget he copied things. Now if you tell me a joke that I like it'll stick in my head and I will straight up tell it as my own later, I've been called out for this many times! But entire articles? whole sections of other peoples videos? (he also flipped a fan Vid he had ripped off of another YouTube to avoid detection and tried to pass it off as his own) No that's not something you can accidentally do even with a swiss cheese brain like mine.

Weirdly all the the paragraphs James claims he accidentally copied were also edited to remove aspects of the Trans, Bi and Ace experiences that James markedly does not believe exist. Strange considering he accidentally copied them and assumed they were his own words? Imagine going back through a paragraph you think you wrote yesterday in the edit the next day and finding swarths of things you don't agree with there?!

Why am I telling you all this? Well because I wanted to put my two cents in as a creator with this condition, partly because I felt it was somewhat of an attack on us!? He's put it out there that ADHD creators are liable to steal from others and that's not ok by me. Also I just really like the sound of my own typing!

TL;DR : James Sommerton is a suck ass liar and he doesn't get to use his disability as an excuse for what he did! and...

****** ADHD DOES NOT MAKE YOU STEAL SHIT!!! ******

Also watch Todd's Vid, everyone saw the Hbomberguy one but this one goes deeper:

[callsignlucky]

talk to me, lucky (part 5)

summary: You're Maverick’s kid. You’re also Bradley Bradshaw’s best friend—or at least, you were. What lies between you two now is uncharted territory.

pairing: bradley "rooster" bradshaw/mitchell!reader

wc: 3.1k

a/n: here she is folks i hope i did good because my imposter syndrome was running rampant while writing this one. feedback on this jawn would be so appreciated ok love u guys come n get it

<- part 4

There are professional perks to being the goddaughter of a three star admiral, but the personal perks are far better—having a godfather that absolutely adores you no matter what makes it easier to be angry at your real father.

My phone buzzed from beside me with a text, and I snagged it from the comforter beside me, lifting my head from where it was buried dejectedly into my pillows. 

🧊: I heard you had a bad day. Want to talk about it?

Dad must’ve talked to Ice about our argument. I sighed in frustration and hit my head against my NAVY-issued mattress in the NAVY-issued bland and beige bedroom that matched the rest of the NAVY-issued bland and beige house. 

🍀: Not much to talk about, Uncle Ice. 

Downstairs, the door shut, followed by the soft thump of Dad’s duffel bag hitting the floor. It took him a while to get home, and I assumed must’ve gotten chewed out by Sampson. I decided he deserved it for what he did to Bradley. My phone buzzed—another text. 

🧊: I’d say there’s a lot to talk about. I heard about your time up in the air today! Tell me, where’d you learn to fly like that?

A grin split my face and I lightly rolled my eyes. I’d heard story after story of Maverick and Iceman’s infamous rivalry during their first time through TOPGUN. It was almost hard to believe, with how close the two men are now. 

🍀: Oh, from the best pilot in the Navy. You might know him—his callsign’s Maverick. 

🧊: Haha. Very funny. 

🍀: I am a comedy genius, after all. :) 

🧊: Funniest girl I know!

I couldn’t help but be hit with a wave of mixed emotions as I watched the line blink in the text bar. I hadn’t seen him in a while, and guilt ate at me for that. 

🍀: I miss you, Uncle Ice. 

🧊: I miss you more, Pip.

I groaned when that text came in, rolling my eyes with a grin and letting my head hang back. Pip. I was the girl with a handful of nicknames, but Pip was the one I detested the most. For as long as I could remember, Tom “Iceman” Kazansky had been calling me Pip. It was short for pipsqueak, obviously, and was endearing at first before I got older and then decided it was wildly offensive. Of course, that only egged my godfather on. Eventually it became a joke more than anything, but I still liked to give Uncle Ice the reaction he was after, even if he couldn’t see me. I could just imagine him in his study, that big smile spread on his face, laughing in that cocky way that he and my father were oh so familiar with. Him reaching out reminded me how badly I needed to go see him while we were in Fightertown. Maybe I’d ask him if he wanted to have lunch, after the mission. If anything could cheer me up, it would be an afternoon spent with him. 

My phone buzzed again. A double text from Ice? Weird. Only it wasn’t Ice, it was from a number I didn’t recognize. 

Open your window. 

Frowning, I sat up in bed, eyes sliding from my phone to the window that opened up into the small front yard we had, not that we needed it. It always baffled me why they wasted the resources to put my father and I up in a house whenever we ended up on an assignment together. Probably another pen stroke from our good friend Admiral Kazansky. 

Obviously I waited too long to push the window up, because a soft tap interrupted my thought process. I raised a brow, standing up from the bed and tossing my phone aside. Another tap sounded, followed by two more before I reached the window. 

I don’t know who I was expecting to be stood beneath it, but it was not Bradley Bradshaw. I sat on the little bay seat and unlatched the window, before pushing it up. “Bradley?” 

“Hi, Cherry.” His hands were pushed deep into the pockets of his jeans, t-shirt snug beneath what had to be one of Goose’s infamous, obnoxious Hawaiian shirts. “Can we talk?” 

“Don’t call me that.” The words snapped out of me faster than I’d intended, looking away from him, but out of the corner of my eye I could see his lips tug up into a smirk. 

“You called me Ponyboy earlier. It’s only fair.” 

“I wanted to get your attention so you’d stop being a moron.” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Pebbles, seriously?” 

“I wanted to get your attention.” He parroted back with that smirk still firm on his face, but seeing the unamused look on my face he dropped it almost instantly. “Seriously, can we talk? We could go for a drive.” 

“I have nothing to say to you.” Still not looking at him, I folded my arms in a childish pout, using my big toe to push at the carpet. 

“I’ll buy you a Big Gulp.” The offer hung in the air and it pulled my head up. I looked at the clock—it was nearly nine, far too late for caffeine, but the men in my life knew me far too well. Sugary drinks like Slurpees and Big Gulps were forbidden fruit to people who had to be in the best physical shape of their lives for the entirety of their career. I peeked down at Bradley. 

“And Hot Fries?” I asked, and Bradley grinned with a nod. 

“Whatever you want. The 7-Eleven is your oyster.” 

“What if I want to go to Circle K?” 

“Ah.” Bradley sighed dramatically. “Unfortunately, they don’t have Big Gulps at the Circle K. It’s 7-Eleven or bust.” 

I pursed my lips in thought for a few more moments. “Give me five minutes.” I said, before standing, tugging the window back down, and drawing the curtains. 

Jumping out of the window seemed like a better option than passing my father in the kitchen, but if I got hurt before this mission I’d never hear the end of it. So, I yanked on some denim shorts and a hoodie from 1986 that either belonged to Ice or Goose or my father or was forgotten by Slider or maybe even belonged to Hondo and scurried down the stairs. 

“Where are you going?” Dad asked from the kitchen, and I used one hand against the door to keep myself steady as I slipped my feet into my sandals. Glancing over, he had a knife in one hand and a cutting board scattered with bell peppers in front of him. 

“Gas station.” 

“Okay.” I could hear the frown in his voice and my heart twisted. “Be safe.” 

“Always.” I pulled the door open, pausing for a moment. “I love you, Daddy.” There. That made me feel better, even if I was way too old to be using the word daddy. 

“I love you more, Birdie. See you soon.” 

I left it at that and slipped out of the door, walking down the path towards the driveway before slipping into the passenger seat of Bradley’s Ford Bronco. As soon as I was buckled up he backed out and peeled down the street, and I shoved my hands into the pocket of the hoodie and closed my eyes against the warm California wind. Music played softly from the radio, classic rock, and it was kind of nice to see that some things never changed with Bradley. 

Things were quiet on the ride over, and I decided to fall into the feeling of how things used to be. Two friends going on a late night snack run before a double feature of cheesy movies. I smiled as I watched California pass outside the window, remembering how many times we watched Interview With A Vampire with Emma Rosenberg from school. Mainly because she was in love with Lestat, who Bradley swore looked like my father. It hurt, being here with him, but at the same time it felt so perfect that I couldn’t even believe it had been ten years since we’d last seen each other. We fell back into place so perfectly it was like a puzzle finding its missing pieces. Bradley humming along to the radio, thumbs drumming softly against the steering wheel, it felt so right that I couldn’t imagine ever doing anything different. 

We were in and out of 7-Eleven in a flash, and Bradley parked at the beach by the Hard Deck, which was still packed full of people. I foresaw a long night ahead for Penny Benjamin, but I knew she didn’t mind one bit. Having her close was a comfort, because I was unsure of how this conversation would go, but we were far enough out that nobody from the team would spot us and make assumptions. 

I opened the bag of Hot Fries and popped a handful in my mouth, wondering if Bradley was gonna make the first move. By the time I swallowed, he was staring into his peanut M&Ms and I just wanted the silence to be gone. “It wasn’t my fault, you know.” I said as I leaned on the door, watching the waves through the windshield. “You could’ve been mad at him all you wanted, but I didn’t do anything wrong.” 

Bradley sighed softly from beside me. “I know.” He murmured, and I looked over at him. 

“So, why? Why leave me like that?” I felt my throat tightening up and knew I was in for it. But I didn’t care if I cried in front of Bradley now that I was older, even if I didn’t feel older. He deserved to see what he did, but the way his face fell made me feel guilty in ways I’d been told I shouldn’t. “Bradley, you were my best friend for our entire lives. You were always there, and then all the sudden you were gone. And I was so confused because I waited for you to come home. I waited for you to call, or write, but you never did and I just—I don’t understand. I don’t understand what I did to you.” 

“You didn’t do a damn thing. You aren’t the problem. He is.”  Bradley’s voice came out pretty harsh, but I knew he was just frustrated. Frustrated with this entire shitty situation we’d been put in. He sat his drink in the cup holder with a heavy sigh, leaning his head back and closing his eyes for a moment. “Your dad screwed me over. And I was so…so goddamn mad I couldn’t see straight, and I just—I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to think about him, I didn’t want anything to do with him. And you…” He paused, looking over at me. “You are a Daddy’s girl if I’ve ever seen one. You put him before everyone, and I just…assumed that meant me too. I didn’t want to put you in a position where you felt like you had to choose. Staying away from both of you was just…easier.” 

To me, that sounded like the stupidest thing I ever heard. But, Bradley’s feelings were valid, no matter how wrong I deemed them. I remembered what Dad had said on the beach, to put myself in his shoes, but that didn’t dampen my emotions any. “I shouldn’t have had to choose! B, we are your family! I understand wanting to get away but ten years? Ten years??” 

“I wanted to reach out!” He interrupted me quickly. “God, I—I wanted to reach out to you so bad but then you—“ He cut himself off with a huff through his nose and I leaned forward. 

“But then I what?” 

“You enlisted. You enlisted, and your dad didn’t do shit to stop you.” Silence overtook the cab of the Bronco as Bradley stared at his hands, fiddling idly with his keychain as it hung off the ignition. It was cheesy—a little strip of red heavy duty fabric with the words REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT stitched in white thread. It was so very Pete ”Maverick” Mitchell it almost hurt. “Your dad let you through and stood in my way. It made a lot of things crystal clear.” 

“Clear how?”

“No matter how much he claims to love me, he’ll always put his flesh and blood first.” 

“Bradley.” I scolded him like he was a child, brows furrowed with a look that called him out on how ridiculous he was being. “You know he loves you. He had his reasons, but that was absolutely not one of them.”

“I know, he told me his reason. He didn’t want to see me hurt, but that’s bullshit and you know it. He did it and it was selfish as hell, and then he turns around and lets his own daughter in?” He looked over at me. “He nearly ruins my career and then turns around and basically lights your way to an F-18 a year after pulling my papers. It’s not fair, and I guess…I guess it made me resent you a little.” 

“That’s not fair.” I whispered, and Bradley nodded.

“I know it’s not. But I couldn’t help it. I just needed time, and every time I thought I was ready to face you I remembered that wherever you are, he wasn’t too far behind. I remembered his bullshit excuse and everything snowballed and the cycle started over again.” I sat up quickly, turning my body to face him. 

“He told me the story of what happened with your dad, you know. His version of things.” The words came before I could stop them.  I wouldn’t tell Bradley the real reason behind why Dad did what he did, but I could try and put it in perspective for him. I could try to get him to see where my father was coming from. Bradley blinked at me. 

“He did?” He was surprised, and rightfully so. Dad loved to recount his glory days, told stories of his failures and victories and everything in between, but the day Goose died was something he never spoke about. Not even once. 

“He had a nightmare, about a year ago. A really bad one, one he couldn’t wake up from. I woke up to him screaming and thrashing, calling for him, for Goose.” I looked at my legs, picking at the frayed hem of my shorts, grimacing at the memory. “He finally woke up, and he just…cried. Sat there in my arms and cried and cried, and I cried too because the last time I saw him that upset was when mom died. And when he finally calmed down, he told me what really happened.” Bradley knew the story, we both did, but we didn’t know the whole thing. Carole had told us about it when we were old enough to understand, when Bradley was old enough to start to show interest in the NAVY. Interest in being just like his father. “It wasn’t the jet wash or the flat spin that had him trapped in his nightmares, it was what happened after they hit the water. Bradley, he clung to your father’s body in the middle of the ocean for almost twenty minutes. Parachutes and flight gear weighed him down, the current tried to get him away, but Dad clung to his dead weight until rescue arrived. He said it felt like hours, waiting for someone to come save Goose, even though he knew he was past saving.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Bradley’s voice cracked and I could see tears shimmering in his eyes, and I reached out after a long moment and took his hand in mine. 

“To try and help you understand.” I kept my voice soft, eyes on him even if he wouldn’t look at me. “At the time, Dad didn’t care what it did to your relationship because he was blind with fear. He’d look at you with the thought of you in a jet and he’d be back in that ocean with your dad. He was so scared of losing you, and it happened all the same.” 

“But he didn’t pull your papers.” He whispered, like he was afraid if he talked any louder his voice would betray him. 

“He learned his lesson with you.” I replied simply, dropping his hand and leaned back in my seat. Bradley stared out the windshield at the waves crashing into the sand, silence falling over us. Horrible, uncomfortable silence that made my skin crawl and it felt like it lasted hours. 

“I’m sorry.” He said after a while, and I looked over to find him looking at me. “I’m so sorry for leaving you. It wasn’t fair. I just…I hope you’ll be able to forgive me someday because I miss you. I miss my best friend.” 

My eyes searched his face for a long moment, and it made me wish I'd known Goose so I could make more accurate comparisons between the two because god, he looked so much like his father. “Bradley Bradshaw, you big softie.” I sighed heavily, taking his hand and slumping back in the seat, eyes trained back on the waves. “I forgave you ten years ago.” 

“Yeah?” He asked, a smile in his voice, and I couldn’t help one from spreading on my face. 

“Yeah.” I replied softly, nodding. “If you ever pull that shit again though, you can forget it, alright? No more Cherry and Ponyboy, I am just straight kicking your ass.” 

Bradley laughed at that, so loud it echoed through the car, and dragged me across the middle seat into a big hug. “I’m never leaving you again.” He said into my hair as I wound my arms around his waist and buried my face in his shoulder. “I promise.” 

After he finally let me go, I settled back into the middle seat, his arm draped across the back of it. Hot Fries and M&Ms sat between us to share, and we watched as the sun made its final descent beneath the horizon, washing the sky in a brilliant display of cotton candy pink and purple. 

I didn’t know if things would smooth over between Bradley and my father, if Bradley could ever find it in his heart to forgive Dad like I forgave him. I didn’t know if things would ever feel completely back to normal between us, or if I’d always have a small part of me that resented him for leaving and he’d always have a small part that resented me for what my father did. 

What I did know was that horrible tension between us had eased. I could breathe again. And right then, things were good. I was happy. 

We were watching the same sunset. 

taglist below! this thing is getting LONG! sorry if I missed anyone

@zzsloth | @boringusername | @sydneejean | @mosebypineapple | @erinswrld | @roosterschanelslut | @mirandastuckinthe80s | @mak-32 | @shrimping-for-all | @rosiahills22 | @gretagerwigsmuse | @callsignbirdie | @hopefulinlove | @ponyboys-sunset | @maverick-wingman | @itscheybaby | @alanadetigy | @shanimallina87 | @actuallybarb | @majdoline | @belledawnidk | @srh5605 | @18crazybutcutealsopsycho | @hey-its-kayla-claire | @whore-for-pennywise | @notanordinaryprincess95 | @adjspam | @natzp03 | @callsign-redfox | @prongs-girlfriend | @samstersv | @morallyspookyglitter | @hope-love-equality2 | @student-disaster | @callsignfrostbite | @greaser9902 2 | @megan-schulz | @hotch-meeeeeuppppp | @dumb-fawkin-bitch | @savslarabs | @caswinchester2000 | @kkrenae | @koperwiekje | @perseus-666 | @i-just-like-marvel | @abg1994 | @paintballkid711 | @turningtoclown | @deadunicorn159 | @jimmorrison13 | @awesomebooklover17 | @w0nderw0man-reading | @j-deimos | @can-this-be-a-fanfic | @justanothermagicalsara | @roostersluvvr | @itevilhag | @nonniecannie | @caldodemazapangourmet | @dracosluvbot | @posierosie | @inne-edoftherapy | @takeyour-pants-off | @luvrrish | @harper1666 | @je-suis-prest-rachel | @mayafatimakhan | @the-mouse27 | @savannah-elliott | @alanis-altair | @mrs-obrien | @callsign-blue | @tobesoquiet | @tomskookie | @marvelslut16 | @daydreamingallthetime-world | @c4relesswhisperr | @percysaidnever

[afreakingdork]

Ok, so I had a lot of catching up to do! Don’t ask me how I did it because I myself don’t even know, but I missed chapter 19.😭 anyways, I just finished chapter 20, and I must say the only reaction is HDNJDNDJDJJISJS! IT’S PERFECT! GOD, I’M SO IN LOVE WITH YOUR WRITING! YOU’RE AN AMAZING HUMAN!

I’m sad to see it’s ending in two chapters, but I can’t thank you enough for the story! Not to get too personal, but crush too much started right as I was beginning therapy, and I had some impeccable luck to stumble across it a few days after you posted the first chapter! Your writing has helped me through some hard times, and has brought hundreds of smiles to my face! After it ends I can’t wait to see what else you have in store, and I’ll continue to stick around!

Also did I spy something about a Tactical! Donnie part 2, or has college finally managed to kill my last braincell and I’m the process of losing my mind? 👀👀👀👀

But on another note! I think maybe we should make a discord server with all the people who sent in asks! Even with people who didn’t! who just wanna be apart of it! It’s been fun reading everyone’s thoughts, and seeing everyone banter with each other! I would hate to lose that!

Now enough with my ranting! Hope you’re having a good night, dork! Take some time for yourself, and make sure you are taking great care of yourself! You deserve all the love the world has to offer! Much love! ❤️🥰 -❄️

Flake, D-did you make a meme of me? LIKE A MEME OF/FOR ME!?!?!?! i'M SCREAMING!? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!? WHAT A FIRST!! I am TRULY HONORED!!

AND THEN YOU FOLLOW UP THIS GREAT HONOR WITH YOUR INCREDIBLE STORY!!?!!? Come on now!! I was already crying and now I'm sobbing!!! I can't believe I helped you! I'm so glad to have even done an iota of anything that could bring you joy!

TRIPLE WHAMMY YOU'RE COMFORTING ME ABOUT MY WORRIES OF PEOPLE LEAVING?! Y'ALL GOTTA STOP BEING SO NICE TO ME! i CAN'T BELIEVE I DESERVE IT!!! I FEEL BAD!!! IMPOSTER SYNDROME FOR TEN LIFETIMES!!!

All that aside, saying 'thank you' doesn't feel like near enough for all that you've given me in this single ask. You are the incredible, wonderful person. That is without question.

You did indeed spy correctly! Dork's Tactical Donnie 2: Electric Boogaloo (yes I've made this joke before) is half written, but I really want to get it out asap. I'm so close✊

A discord server? I mean I'm game, but I am truly tragic when it comes to operating discord. Would anyone else like that? I was asking about a Rise discord a while back, but no one seemed to know of one?

You have a wonderful night as well! I'm surely drowning in love so I can't imagine asking for more! Have the very best for yourself!

[erosephalopod]

It's interesting to me, the discourse that 'based on my likes!' apparently I should be seeing - the stuff about reclaiming queer slurs. Who can. Who can't. Which ones. Kinda exemplifies for me this idea that there is one highly specific prescribed "good" way to be and if you don't live exactly like that then you're bad. Like I get kinda Doug Forcett from The Good Place vibes from it and all BUT it does remind me of an anecdote I have.

So, god help me, I'll share it. Because I want to assuage my professional imposter syndrome by tooting my own horn about adding a bit of depth to something professional more than I don't want to be dragged into discourse apparently. Which means it's story time!

I facilitate a domestic violence group for men as part a local community agency. So we're at a goddamn mouthful of an anecdote already. It's curriculum based, and I generally like the curriculum but it could stand to have some more depth and connections or themes could be teased out and highlighted better. I imagine this is because it's designed as a "process group" (lots of participating) and we end up having to run it more like a psycho-educational group (so it's a bit thin sometimes). But I digress again. One of the lessons I teach - the one I taught literally seven hours ago - is on apologies.

Apologies are actually a pretty specific skill, and even people that AREN'T in unhealthy relationship patterns can benefit from learning about them. Who'd'a thunk, right?

After going over the steps of a good apology, the next stretch of material covers common pitfalls. The first is "not being genuine". Because yeah, obviously, right? But a lot of our social role models and structures teach us to be disingenuous. Every elementary/primary schooler who's wound up in a spat with another kid and they were both made to apologize is keenly aware of that. So it's a good reminder, but also we tack on to that the constant reminder of "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry that hurt your feelings" is bullshit.

And then the material takes a sudden turn and allows that this is sometimes acceptable, but you need to be careful with it.

Now being the neurodivergent asshole I am, I feel the need to explore this. It's a truism. Even if I can think about it and be like "okay maybe", I can't just casually dispel a truism in DV group without backing it up. AND a good example would illustrate some of the underlying critical thinking social skill stuff that connects a lot of the lessons. So I pondered. And I've piloted one I think is good a few times, which The Discourse™️ reminds me of.

A key reason to NOT use those kinds of apologies is that they ultimately shift value judgments from your behavior and reduce it only to the impact it has. They say "well what I did was fine, but apparently you're a big baby so sorry you can't handle stuff I guess." When might a message like that be okay? When your behavior wasn't inappropriate, and this doesn't need to be stopped, but your behavior caused problems for someone and you want to let them know you'll be careful not to cause them problems again. Not because they're a baby, but because everyone is different. (And you still use all the rest of the steps.) So:

My friends and I are all queer of some variety. Some of us about gender. Some about sexuality. Some both. It's a neat bag. And we joke all sorts of ways when we're together. We call charcuterie "cheese faggotry". We make jokes around queer people not being able to sit right (most of us don't in my group lol). I script The Grand Budapest Hotel's "that fucking faggot!" and "I thought I was supposed to be a fucking faggot?" -> "You are, but you're bisexual." Etc. In our subset of queer life, we're all fine with that. But say I invite a new friend over. The rest of us carry on like normal. New friend is VERY uncomfortable hearing "faggot" used so casually, as an example. Say it's for trauma reasons. Say it's just because they disagree I should use it. I would not apologize for using it. I'm not sorry. I will do it again. I don't think it was wrong to do in general. But I WOULD apologize for doing something that made them uncomfortable. I'd recognize what makes them uneasy and I'd let them know I won't do it again around them because it matters to me that they feel comfortable. I'd say "I'm sorry that I did something that made you uncomfortable" and move from there.

It's a weird example to give to a group of men I barely know, but it's what I've got. "Okay, fuck, but what's the point, Squid?"

Whoops. Does there have to be? But I guess it boils down to this: The guiding principles isn't "always do this" and "never do that" and "follow this list of rules". The rules - and their exceptions - exist to serve a simple interpersonal principle: "care about the people around you and interact in a way that strives to recognize what matters and how you impact it". Everything in the skills portion of that book, from the assertiveness skills to the active listening to the tips for nondefensive and respectful disagreement to even the stuff about attachment style and communication, rolls back to that same idea. "If you care about this person, then you both benefit most from collaboration and engagement". Things like the slur reclamation carrd drift so far away from core principles that they can seem baffling. I don't think the world is as simple as "does this behavior hurt anyone? is this my business?" but, even as an autistic person, I find the idea that there are bylaw-style guidelines to the correct human experience not only silly but undesirable. And I promise you don't win points by dying on an ideological hill that isn't quite connected to reality. If you and your other queers use slurs and nobody's being upset or oppressed by it, then it isn't anyone else's business. Similarly, if you're wading through territory with lots of perspectives and around people who have diverse experiences and something you do makes someone uncomfortable, you don't do more good in the world by telling them "too bad".

Learn to say sorry. Learn to communicate your needs and perspectives. Collaborate with your fellow humans to make sure you're having a positive experience. Life isn't simple, but sometimes

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Henrik feeling powerless until he got into management makes sense considering his sexual abuser was a teacher, he’s trying to reach a place where he can’t be in that position ever again. Likewise maybe for John going off in his own to do his own experiments, he is in control and has the power to either leave a place or manipulate to get what he needs or wants for his work and himself. The outlier then is Jac. But she struggled to understand her abuse outside of ‘men bad’.

Well ok that’s not entirely true and her feeling are accurate. But then maybe it’s because to an extent Henrik and Johns situations were clearly abusive at least in hindsight and they never told anyone so couldn’t be blamed, where Jac did try to talk about some incident and was blamed and canonically was isolated by abusive older men for a much longer portion of her life. Not saying anyone’s situation is worse. I’ve lost my thread but I do think it’s somehow important that John and Jac could tell that Henrik was ‘like them’ but didn’t seem to fully get why they were like each other. Weird thought but if they’d interacted more pre Jac being shot Sacha probably would have twigged John. I headcanon twigged Sacha as Jacs person anyway (and thank god he never intersected with Connie canonically that would gone so wrong so fast and made everyone a lot angrier because of how tangled up those relationships are with each other and power)

Yes, absolutely, re: Henrik! He's always blatantly hated management in every other aspect but he likes the sense of control and power and distance it gives him. (I think I've joked before that the only time Henrik's ever actually enjoyed being CEO of Holby was when he could use it to wield power over Sahira; there's some truth in that.) (And on the flipside - sorry to keep bringing up the Sahira situation but it's extremely relevant to any conversation regarding Henrik's sexual trauma IMO - it's the exact reason he refused to accept or admit that he was in love with her, and refused to deal with it in any sort of healthy way. Admitting he was in love with Sahira and had been treating her poorly as a result would mean admitting he abused his power over her. It would mean comparing himself to his abuser.)

I think you're right about John as well. He has massive control issues just like Henrik does. I also think it's probably relevant in some way that, canonically, he never seems to stay in one place too long. He seems to be a bit of a traveller (insert Doctor Who joke here), and pretty much admits as such himself to Abigail in S20E20 "Blind Spot": "Holby has my heart, but I also need my freedom." (Thinking about it, that quote reminds me a bit of his whole thing in Group Animal part 1 where he doesn't want the drawing of Lana's mum to be - in his own words - "caged in a frame".) He can't commit to things, not really. (On the rare occasions he does, e.g. the trial, he gets helplessly obsessed with it.) If he tries to stick with something - or, I'd imagine, someone - for too long, he panics, gets almost claustrophobic, and flees. (Henrik, of course, does the same. He did it at Holby repeatedly, and he did it in his relationship with Maja.)

This is also part of the reason for my headcanon that John never really had any proper romantic relationships, just flings and one-night stands (well, that and I feel like he was too attached to Henrik to commit to anyone else). He fears situations and relationships getting out of his control. It's easier for him to stop relationships before they've even started, and it's easier for him to travel from hospital to hospital, switching jobs before anyone gets to know him. (John has intense imposter syndrome and I think he genuinely believes that if someone gets to know him too well they'll figure out the truth about his past, they'll sense it in him somehow, and he can't bear that thought.)

"The outlier then is Jac. But she struggled to understand her abuse outside of ‘men bad’." You're not really wrong, honestly, but... ouch. :(

That's a very good point about the differences between Henrik and John's situations vs. Jac's, especially the bit about how Henrik and John never told anyone (well, I do think Henrik told John, but the point still stands) so they couldn't be blamed whereas Jac did try to speak up and wasn't listened to.

"I do think it’s somehow important that John and Jac could tell that Henrik was ‘like them’ but didn’t seem to fully get why they were like each other." That is so true, and I can't believe I've never thought of it that way before. Now that you say it, it's so obviously such a big part of why John and Jac's dynamic was so messed up. (Since I’m already quoting Group Animal part 1 in this post, I might as well add that her conversation with Fletch about her panic attack/argument with John in theatre seems to point to this too: “I looked him in the eye in there and something happened to me. I saw my reflection or something.”)

I think Henrik, meanwhile, did catch on with both of them. He was probably more consciously aware of it with Jac - I feel like he idolised John too strongly to the point that he couldn't fully admit to himself where his and John's similarities came from, because that would be giving John a "weakness", an imperfection, in Henrik's mind - but on some level or another he knew John had been abused as well, recognised his own responses in him, even if Henrik didn't acknowledge that to himself fully until John told him in Lisbon.

Also I think you're right about Sacha too. He would've picked it up from John's similarities to Jac and from how they reacted to one another.

And yeah, John interacting with Connie would have been an absolute mess. Definitely a good thing that it never happened (although I would've loved to see it regardless because it would've been fascinating).

[delicrieux]

corpse husband... 👀 could I get a soft pastel aesthetic reader playing among us with the group and being absolutely terrible at it. maybe like she sees him kill someone and doesn’t say anything or report it and he follows her around to sorta protect her from the other imposter? at the end she asks why he didn’t kill her and he says it’d be too easy but ofc someone’s gonna make jokes and be like “no you’re just a simp” idk i think that’d be funny? you dont have to tho- no worries

⤹⋆⸙͎۪۫｡author’s note: we love pastels and corpse in this house. we love the “i’m helping cuz u cute” trope. we love the public simping. gotta stan this request

masterlist.⁀➷｡˚⸙͎۪۫⋆ ༄

There is a long list of things you’re terrible at, and Among Us is at the very top. But besides your lack of prowess at the game, it is perhaps luck you should curse, for what you have just witnessed will send you into the afterlife: Corpse’s little black astronaut murdering Rae in cold blood. You still by your keyboard; out of the corner of your eye, you see he chat going nuts. The stream just got ten times more interesting.

For a long few seconds neither of you move. You’re not exactly surprised Corpse is the Impostor, it’s just that you desperately did not want to get in his way - you’re bad enough at this game as it is, and trying outmaneuver the master at this game of chess? Impossible. 

Shrugging, you glance at your camera, “I ain’t see nothing.” Before, in-game, you promptly turn on your heel and glide to the other side of the map. Corpse follows. You start sweating, “Noooo, I swear I’m not gonna snitch, please spare me, sir. I swear on my” You idly tap your cat headphones with your hand, “-only prized possession. And my plushie collection.” He’s still trailing after you, even when you hop into Navigation. Turning to the chat, you ask, “Guys, how do I telepathically convey to Corpse that I’m not going turn him in? No one tell him, though, that’s cheating.”

“girl, start manifesting” one comment reads.

“Oh, manifesting, okay. Saw that on TikTok. I also heard it’s like a big thing in LA.” 

You’d imagine that if somehow you were actually transported to the cool chamber of a dying spaceship, cornered by a black figure with devil horns blocking your exit, you would probably start crying. But you’re safe in your little stream room, decorated in fairy-lights and soft colours and even softer blankets. That initial primal fear of having nowhere left to run lingers, though, and you gulp.

A meeting is called and you breathe out a heavy sigh of relief before unmuting your mic, the first to chime, “What happen--No! Rae! Who killed Rae, fess up now!”

“Well, maybe you killed Rae!” Sean exclaims, and even if you can’t see him, you instinctively know he’s pointing a finger at you. 

“It wasn’t (Name).” Corpse says smoothly, “We’re together.” He backtracks quickly, laughing anxiously, “Uh--In game, I mean.”

The conversation rages on, though you’re forgotten, which is a small reprieve. Corpse is quick to frame someone else and everyone agrees to vote. Momentarily you can’t believe you’re betraying your fellow crewmates and wonder why you’re doing it exactly. To make an entertaining stream? That’s definitely part of it. Charlie is flung into lava and you know it should’ve been Corpse but you’re having a bit too much fun to care.

“nooooo!!!! they corrupted her!!!! our sweet baby is on the villain arc!!! RIP”

You hope not mentioning what you had seen transpire minutes prior will dissuade him from killing you - he still could, but he’s just standing by the door, watching your movements. You decide you will only figure it out once your back is turned to him, whilst doing your tasks. Apprehensively, you get to it and--

Nothing happens.

Once you’re finished, you run circles around him. He joins in soon. The olive branch had been accepted. You grin. Rush out of Nav and he, once again, follows after you. 

The game continues like this, you doing tasks and he hoovering by your side like some little guardian devil. You almost forget that he’s the Impostor until he murders Sean right in front of you. You slap your hand over your mouth. Did Stockholm Syndrome kick in already? He self reports and his first words are, “(Name) and I found a body in Weapons.”

You aren’t sure how much your betrayal aided the Impostor victory, but you were the only survivor left between two serial-killers. Your chat spams celebration emoticons and fake-deep monologues about living in a society. While you were an unofficial Impostor, your audience single-handedly decides you were the best one.

It’s all laughter and apologies from your part to your slighted teammates, though even they have to admit it was a good game. Everyone agrees to play another round, but before it can start, you just have to know, “Hey, Corpse?”

“Yes, (Name)?”

“Why didn’t you kill me?”

“Oh,” He mutters, a small chuckle following after his words, “it would’ve been, uhh, too easy, I guess?”

“Lies.” Sean interrupts, “It’s because you’re a fucking SIMP!”

The discord call choruses “SIMP SIMP SIMP” in surprising harmony. You sit in your chair, giggling, smiling so brightly your cheeks start hurting.

“Guys, come on--” Corpse says, sounding like he’s smiling, like he’s got his face covered with his hands, like he’s embarrassed; he laughs - it’s a light, pretty sound, “I just wanted (Name) to have fun. And not be killed by Sykkuno.”

“Wait--” Sykkuno pipes up, “So you just...followed her around the map?”

“...Yeah.”

“Oh my God, you stupid simp!” Sean laughs, “(Name) was there when he killed me, I was so confused why she didn’t say anything because I figured she was the other Impostor, but turns out he just kidnapped her. Don’t worry, (Name), we don’t blame you for betraying the crew. You did what you had to do to survive.”

“It’s the her seeing Corpse kill me and pretending she’s blind for me.” Rae snickers.

“Wait a fucking minute,” Charlie says, “you mean to tell me, (Name), our little pastel princess fucking peach over there, saw Corpse slitting your throat and fucked right off, and then lied like a grade-a-politician during the meeting? Who killed Rae fess up my ass, you all are saying Corpse played us like a fucking fiddle but it was actually (Name) the whole time.” You hear a smile in his voice, and somehow feel a surge of pride, “(Name)--” He’s cut off by Sean trying to interject but quickly shushes him with a few choice words “Jesus fucking Christ, shut up, I’m trying to figure something out. (Name), did you or did you not use Corpse for protection?”

You’re giggling; you can’t control the sporadic giddiness mixed with light anxiousness, “I just...I just didn’t want to die!” You exclaim. More laughter.

“I rest my case, she’s a fucking wolf in sheep’s clothing, it’s always the nice one’s that stab you in the back for the fuck of it.”

“Guys,” Corpse says, “guys, guys, guys...Let’s play another round?”

“Yes”es are exchanged like trading cards. Before long, your screen lights up and you gape at the word IMPOSTOR written over you little astronaut standing right next to...Corpse.

You grin: if the last game was crazy, this one will be straight up insane.

.

hope you liked it! xx

.

[clandonnachaidh]

Light Across The Seas That Sever (Ch6)

AO3

“Mind ye’ve got that meeting this afternoon?” Ian reminded him for the thousandth time as they all sat at the breakfast table and Jamie fought the urge not to roll his eyes, already mildly annoyed at the fact that his bowl of porridge wasn’t quite right. He should’ve made it himself without backing down when Jenny had insisted on doing it for him, that way it would’ve been thick enough to plaster a wall with, just how he liked it. But his sister would never surrender the spurtle, working it through the oats and milk until they became creamy and setting a large bowl of sugar on the table, much to Jamie’s distaste. Thick enough to clart a wall and with enough salt to make your eyes water, that was exactly how he’d had it since he was a bairn, their mother taking hers in the same way. Only Jenny and their father had preferred that their breakfast be covered in sugar and the sweetness of the Scottish strawberries that grew wild on Lallybroch estate.

“Aye, I ken fine well enough,” Jamie grunted without turning his eyes towards Ian who was trying to encourage a spoonful into Wee Ian’s mouth. “Whit was the name of the estate again?”

“’Tis the only estate in Tomich but did I no’ tell ye? He’s changed the meeting to the golf club.”

It had been his idea to begin with but now Jamie was uncertain about how their drunken plan was taking shape. After one too many whiskies of a night, he and Ian had been sprawled in front of the fire as they chastised the blend that they were imbibing, arrogantly announcing that the two of them could do much better. Jamie hadn’t thought anything of it as he’d stumbled to his bed and let sleep take him but a few days later he found himself mending a fence post in the back field as Ian continued his musing about Broch Mordha putting its stamp on the world as a new destination for a premier whisky distillery and the two of them, its innovative creators.

Jamie grunted as he rose to his feet and deposited his bowl into the deep sink, letting the tap run to soak the dish and refusing to turn his body to take in the picture perfect family scene that was sat at the kitchen table.

“Mr Dunsany—“

“He’s a Lord, is he no’?”

“Is there a reason yer being a particularly crabbit arse this morning, brother?” Jenny’s voice was dripping with irritation, not wanting her nice family breakfast to be ruined by the interminable grey cloud that had been brewing over Jamie’s head for the past few weeks.

“Jen, leave him be.”

“I will not. He’s been a moanin’ greetin’ face since he came back from that bloody reunion and ’tis hell time he snapped out of it,” she said a little louder to ensure that Jamie heard the emphasis that she placed on the insult as it flew from her mouth.

This caused him to turn on his heel and level his sister with a careful eye.

“I’m sorry, Janet, but sometimes I think ye forget that there is a world outside of Lallybroch. Life can be a damn sight more complicated than poppin’ out weans and tending tae chickens, ye ken.”

If her temper didn’t hit the roof, her eyebrows certainly made a good go of it. Silently, her fingers curled tightly around the spoon, stilling herself against the pull of Wee Ian’s chubby little hand that was fisted in the material of her shirt, demanding attention.

“I ken that fine well, James. But ye canna jus’ come home every time ye see her and sulk like a wee bairn that doesna get what he wants. Grow up a wee bit, aye?”

At the end of her parting shot, Jamie felt the anger licking at the sides of his throat. The rage that he’d been directing towards himself was now begging to be let loose on someone else, someone that would bite back and Christ, Jenny would do just that. It had been this way since he’d come home, the frustration melting into a sullenness that had punctured the idyllic bubble that the family lived in at Lallybroch. In his worst thoughts, he resented both his sister and his best friend and the happiness that they shared. Jamie loved them to their bones, of course he did, but after leaving Oxford with yet another memory of how he’d let Claire slip through his fingers, the last thing he wanted to see was the very evident love between Jenny and Ian and their three children.

And so he found himself, in a suit that was a bit tight across his shoulders but he’d purchased anyway in a department store on the Inverness High Street, shaking hands with Lord William Dunsany in the bar of a golf club that he’d never seen fit to frequent himself. Jamie tried his hardest not to let the glances from the club members get to him as they walked around the lounge with an understated belonging the he’d never feel himself. He made sure that he gave a strong handshake, looking the shorter man straight in the eye and made the informed decision to swap from his usual Scots to his best Received Pronunciation, assuming that Lord Dunsany was one of those people who claimed to be a ’Scotchman’ but was as English as they come with the age old story of inheriting Scottish land as a birthright. Jamie had realised, however, that the man certainly knew his whisky and would make a not-half-bad business partner with himself and Ian if he managed to convince him to part with some cash.

Jamie was fuzzy on the details of how’d they’d come to the agreement but two hours and four whiskies later, he found himself once more shaking hands with Dunsany. The Lord would foot the seed money in exchange for a fairly sizeable but not unfair amount of the business and as a personal favour, Jamie would escort his eldest daughter around Edinburgh the following evening.

“She’s up here with me to get away from some nonsense that’s gone on at home but she’s been cooped up in her hotel for days while her mother tries to organise a townhouse for her. I just want her to get out and see the city. Who better to show her around than a native?”

Late next afternoon, his slight hangover thankfully having subsided after a coffee and a square sausage roll, Jamie stepped off of the train and onto the platform of Waverley Station in the heart of Edinburgh.

The tang of the breweries immediately filled his nostrils and he breathed deeply as the ever present sound of bagpipes floated down from the upper level of the street. While Lallybroch where was his heart lived, and he loved the humour and familiarity of Glasgow, Edinburgh held a special place in his heart. He never got tired of grabbing a coffee and walking the length of George Street in the sun, the castle bursting into view if he turned his eyes to the east.

Slinging his bag over his shoulder, he made his way towards the hotel that Dunsany had insisted on to putting him up in, the same one as his daughter just to make things simple. Although Jamie had spent many a morning diving into the spectacular breakfasts put on at one of his favourite places in Edinburgh, The Huxley, he had never imagined staying at The Caledonian that loomed over the small establishment just metres from its door.

Jamie didn’t quite know what to do as the doorman who was wearing a bloody top hat opened the door to the hotel for him so he settled on giving the man a polite smile, resisting an absurd urge to give him some type of formal bow. He had been in nice hotels before but nothing like this with its polished marble floor and a huge vases of fresh cut flowers on most surfaces that he could see.

“Mr Fraser, we have you in the Robert Louis Stevenson Suite for two nights. Here is your room key and it also includes the number for the Concierge, should you have any need. We have a table booked in the Peacock Alley bar for you and Miss Dunsany at 6pm this evening and I would be happy to make any dinner reservations you would like to make, within or outwith the hotel. Michael can get the rest of your bags from the car,” a neat blonde woman smiled at him from the reception desk as she inclined her head to the bellboy hovering at a polite distance over Jamie’s right shoulder.

“It’s nae bother, lass, I’ve only got the one bag,” Jamie muttered with a hint of embarrassment as he pulled the bag from the floor and swiped the keycards from the desk, smiling back at her. “Thank ye.”

When he stepped through the door that bore the name of one of Scotland’s most beloved authors, his growing Imposter Syndrome ramped up a few notches. Crossing the floor towards the window, Jamie was greeted by a beautiful view of the castle as it loomed over the city. He didn’t quite know how to act, having never been in such a large and clearly expensive hotel room. In fact, it wasn’t even a room, the woman at the desk had called it a suite.

Flicking through the TV channels for a little while, settling on the new show about Billy Connolly’s upbringing in Scotland, his fingers lazily scratched at the bare patch of skin just above his belt buckle. Something about being in a different city and having some time to himself made him feel lighter than he had in weeks and he gave himself permission to laugh at a particularly lewd joke that spilled from The Big Yin’s mouth on the TV.

Jamie’s phone, lying face up on the mattress beside his left shoulder, startled him as it gave a firm buzz. Sitting up, he opened the latest message from Geneva, telling him that she wanted to go out for dinner somewhere nice tonight. He was under no illusion as to the fact that when someone like Geneva Dunsany used the words ‘somewhere nice’, she was actually saying ‘somewhere expensive’. But thankfully, Jamie knew just the place and sent her a reply saying that he had it in hand before phoning down to the reception and having the helpful woman book a table at a restaurant he knew would be impressive enough but not so posh that he would feel out of his depth by eating there.

Although they’d messaged back and forth that afternoon, he hadn’t bothered to enlarge the tiny picture next to her name at the top of the screen. Toying with his phone, Jamie resolved that he had to know what the lass looked like, not wanting to have to shuffle embarrassingly around the bar trying to figure out who he was there to meet.

Her picture brought to its full size, he looked at her for the first time and tried was pleasantly surprised. She was clearly beautiful. Dark hair that flowed in loose waves over bare shoulders, her skin a beautiful olive brown from a summer tanning on a beach somewhere. She was looking at the camera dead on with a surety that came from a privileged upbringing, her face painted perfectly and a twist of the lips that couldn’t really be called a smile, as if she didn’t want to be seen to be having fun. She looked like every posh girl that Jamie had met in his life, every girl at university who would air kiss their friends on both cheeks while their manicured hands clutched at bags that cost more than his first car.

Suppressing a groan at the thought of spending a weekend with a person who no doubt came from an entirely separate world than the one he’d grown up in, Jamie divested himself of his socks as he plodded, bare feet on plush carpet, through to the bathroom to take a shower and clean himself up ahead of his evening.

Later, he sat at the bar, his fingers playing with the patterns on the cut crystal glass that housed his double whisky, he felt a gentle hand rest on his shoulder.

“James Fraser?”

His stomach dropped into the floor.

The thought hadn’t even crossed his mind at what hearing his name fall from the lips of an Englishwoman would do to him. He felt an absurd wave of revulsion swipe through him in an instant and he took a quick drink before turning on his stool to face her, swallowing the bile that had risen up in his throat.

“Och, lass, nobody really calls me James. Ye can call me Mac. ’Tis another one of my family names,” he tried to sound light and not as if the sounds of his name leaving her lips felt like the flesh on his back had been ripped open to the bone.

There was a reluctance in her eyes and he immediately knew that she was uncomfortable so he did his best to send her his most charming smile, gesturing for her to sit and then signalling to the bartender.

“What would ye like tae drink?”

“Martini, if you would, extra dry, extra dirty,” she ordered confidently as the bartender nodded and turned to begin preparing it for her.

With her chin in the air, she asked, “So, my father said you were a business associate?”

“Aye, I suppose I am now. My brother-in-law and myself wish to start our own whisky company. Your father has kindly offered to help.”

“My father isn’t generally in the habit of helping out of kindness.”

“Aye, well, hopefully he trusts that we ken what we’re doing. Or that we’ll figure it out at the very least,” Jamie tried to joke but she gave him nothing. There was something cold in her demeanour that he hoped he wouldn’t have to fight against for the whole evening.

After watching the martini disappear down Geneva’s throat in record time, he offered her an arm as they left the hotel and were hit by the cool air of Edinburgh in the evening. As soon as Jamie took the first step towards Princes Street, Geneva halted.

“We’re walking?”

“’Tis no’ far, only ten minutes or so. We have time before our reservation,” he replied, gently tugging on the arm that she’d looped through his so that she would begin to walk with him. Her feet stayed firmly planted on the concrete.

“These are £500 shoes, I’m not walking anywhere.”

“Lass, Edinburgh is a city tae get lost in. If we get a taxi we’ll just be looking at the sides of buses and traffic lights. Yer father asked me tae show ye the city,” letting her arm slip from his, Jamie took a step forward and gestured towards the castle, atmospherically lit from beneath now that the sun had gone down. He turned back to her with a kind smile and held out his hand. “Let me, aye?”

Reluctantly, she acquiesced and let him lead her away from the hotel. Jamie’s skin tingled at the contact and he realised that he hadn’t touched a woman apart from Jenny since the university reunion with Claire. He flexed his fingers experimentally and felt something swell in the pit of his stomach when Geneva tightened her grip in response.

The two of them made small talk as they walked through Princes Street gardens and up towards the restaurant, Geneva seeming happy enough with the venue that he’d chosen. He’d heard good things about The Witchery before and as they sat down at a table covered in a pristine white cloth, surrounded by painted dark wood on the walls and ceilings, he noticed how pretty Geneva looked in the candlelight. Only a fool would try to argue that she wasn’t beautiful. But there was a coldness to her that hadn’t warmed yet and so he kept on being as charming as he could, hoping that another glass of wine might bring down the steely demeanour that she seemed to hold on to for dear life.

Oxford had been full of girls like Geneva Dunsany. Wealthy, privileged and confident. After four years of university, Jamie had perfected the art of tuning out their inane conversation about which exotic place they’d spent their summer, who’s guestlist they’d been placed on for the weekend and what they were planning on wearing. So he knew how to respond to her constant stream of speech, nodding and agreeing in the right places and sending dazzling smiles across the table when he felt like rolling his eyes. Though somehow, he found that he didn’t actually dislike Geneva Dunsany. Something in her eyes, or maybe it was the way she chose her words, showed Jamie that the poor little rich girl personality was an act. Underneath the mask, she felt the same way that he did—unfathomably sad.

Something inside of him felt sorry for her, recognising the pain that he knew all too well in another. And while he didn’t particularly care for the woman, Jamie decided to be kind to her. He leaned closer across the table and started to respond to her stories with anecdotes of his own. With the help of another two martinis, she began to blossom in his company and the two shared a relatively pleasant evening together.

When they reached the hotel elevator, Jamie had nothing on his mind other than stripping off his constricting shirt and sleeping off the whisky cloud that was hanging somewhere around his temples.

“What’s on the agenda now, then?” Geneva asked as they stood side by side.

“Shower then bed, I think.”

“Sounds good to me,” she all but whispered, Jamie’s head twisting to see the dark look of seduction that was painted on her face. “Mind if I join you?”

He didn’t say no.

It was shocking how easily he slipped into the worst version of himself. There had been a few nights in the past where he’d spent too much time and money in the pub in Broch Mordha and woken up the morning with some woman curled around him at whatever bed and breakfast they’d invited him back to. He only ever slept with women who were in the area for the moment, never anyone who he’d run into again. It was always when he was half gone with drink, his body acting solely on blind need that he succumbed to his baser instincts.

The doors of the elevator opened and Geneva walked in purposefully, turning to look at him with an alluring smile. Jamie walked in beside her and pressed the number for her floor.

They found pleasure in each other’s bodies but it was skin deep at best. A simple matter of scratching an itch that they both clearly had and had resolved to using the other to sate that particular need. There were no delicate touches or gazes held for any real length of time. Jamie set himself to work, making sure that she got hers before followed suit. It was perfunctory. Pleasant. And when they both uttered their subdued sounds of fulfilment, Geneva immediately rolled away from him, shielding herself once more.

“Do ye want me to go?” Jamie’s voice broke through the dark silence of the room.

Her response was barely a whisper, “Please.”

He dressed quickly, roughly, and scrambled around in the dark for his phone that had fallen from his pocket. Geneva was lying as still as a statue but Jamie could hear the odd sniff from her and realised that she had begun to cry. After dithering between his options, his inherent gentlemanliness won out.

“Is there anything I can do?”

There was no response for a few seconds and he took that as his answer, beginning to move towards the door of the room when a single word stopped his hand from turning the doorknob.

“Stay.”

Keeping his eye on her as though she was a frightened animal that might bolt at any provocation, he slowly began to undress. When she moved over slightly to give him room to get under the covers, he did just that and felt a strange sense of kinship as she wrapped her body around his. Jamie held her, stroking her hair until she fell asleep in his arms. The sound of her gentle breathing was the only thing filling the room until his phone suddenly pinged with a notification.

Facebook Congratulate Claire Beauchamp on their engagement!

Before he could stop himself, he opened the app and looked at the posed photograph of the two of them, her left ring finger showing off an almost comically large diamond ring.

After telling our friends and family, we are so happy to announce that we are engaged! We thank everyone so far for their kind words and well wishes. From the future Mr and Mrs Frank Randall.

Every muscle on his body was thrumming with energy. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what the energy was made from. Rage? Fear? Utter desolation? Whatever it was, it was coiling its way around his ribs, holding him in stasis and holding him hostage as he experienced it.

He wasn’t even considered a friend anymore, seeing as he hadn’t been given the privilege of a private message, having to find out through fucking Facebook. She had clearly changed in her time in Boston, the Claire he knew would never have given up her name and become Mrs Frank Randall. Randall-Beauchamp at the very least, for Christs sake.

Tasting the rare metallic nature of blood in his mouth, Jamie realised that he was biting the inside of his cheek. He felt the need to get up and do something, anything to expel the energy that was going to burst out of him if he didn’t channel it into something. But he was stilled by the feel of Geneva’s naked body against his and a rush of guilt tried to swallow him whole.

How dare he question Claire’s life, assume to know her situation all the while he was in bed with another woman. Reminding himself for the hundredth time that Claire had made her choice and it wasn’t him, he swallowed his pride and went to send her a message, even though he knew it wasn’t a smart idea.

He shouldn’t have had that final whisky.

Jamie: Just seen the news. Congratulations to you and yours.

A blatant lie but what was he supposed to say?

To his surprise, her reply was almost immediate.

Claire: Thank you!

Short and to the point. Two words that would shut down any further conversation, a feigned attempt at excitement and gratitude that he prided himself on being able to see through.

He knew that he would have been one of many to send the same sentiment that day but he had kidded himself that his text would receive a more personalised response. Maybe all she thought of him was a copy and paste response as she planted her phone down screen first on the sofa before climbing into the arms of her future husband.

In an attempt to hold the tears at bay, Jamie curled an arm around Geneva’s prone body, bringing up his hands to his arm and pressing his palms into his eyes until he saw stars.

[nopoodles]

Catch Up Tag

Tagged by the lovely @avrablake

Songs that have gotten stuff in my head recently:

I'm Dangerous by The EverLove - My dystopian sci-fi that I've been struggling through on and off since 2018. This is my new Resistance Anthem and makes me think of my trio of MCs as they each join but with a focus on Blue (mostly because of one specific line "silence the voices in my head" -- it's just very Blue for reasons that become apparent very early on in the [hopefully] novel).

My Life by Imagine Dragons - which I stumbled upon because I wanted to listen to the theme tune to Arcane (Enemy by Imagine Dragons) and this came on autoplay after and it just immediately transported me into Merry's head in her second book (the one I'm writing right now) and her imposter syndrome mixed up with her trauma and the situations I put her through in book 2.

Foods that I have eaten recently

Crumpets - our milk went bad so I had to head out and buy more and there was one single pack of crumpets left in our corner shop and I immediately just went "ooh!" (stereotype? Me? With my tea and crumpets?)

Couscous with veggies - I only got around to trying couscous in 2020 because I was always worried about the texture being bad and wet and smooshy, but it's surprisingly dry (if you make it like we do, idk?). Now its an easy go-to lunch.

Things that I have searched for recently:

butter (t'was in the fridge)

face mask (t'was in my pocket)

motivation (still looking)

Dog (h'was by the gate)

(mostly) black cat in the dark (sh'was nowhere to be found until the morning when she was curled up under the duvet being the littlest spoon)

Items I have bought recently:

... crumpets? (and milk, I didn't forget) - I lead a boring and frugal life.

Sentences I have said recently:

"Thanks" (to DPD guy delivering cat food)

"Tahdah!" (to wife while showing off freezer full of cat food)

"Do you mind?" (to dog, trying to eat cat food box)

"Hello, hello, can I give you a little pet? A little petto? hello, yes, very nice." (to dog and cat at various points.)

It's been a very cat-foody morning. I'm sure I had a real conversation with my wife before she had to head out but fck if I know what we talked about (she knows I'm like this, it's not like I don't care, it'sjust that she's not here right now so I don't have a memory trigger for it)

Now... to tag some people... have I mentioned the no memory trigger means no memory thing? (that was a poor-memory joke, because I can see that I just did).

Okay, I'l leave it as an Open Tag for anyone who wants to start building potential friendships :)

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

smptwt as of 04/07/2020

Right. You asked for it, so you shall recieve. Below the cut is probably one of the most thought-out, in-depth, hopefully unbiased (but probably not) and above all helpful accounts of what the fuck is happening in the smplive and lunch club fandoms right now. I will be covering everything I can- but in the case that I’ve forgotten something, please let me know so I can have a crack at making an update.

Before the cut, I’d just like to link my first three posts about this same topic, covering my thoughts and the events of the last couple of months of drama. It feels so strange that I’ve made so many of these, but as long as they help people, I’ll keep making them.

Part 1: https://crunchy-corvid.tumblr.com/post/619547090403622912/the-cscoopsmptwt-drama

Part 2: https://crunchy-corvid.tumblr.com/post/619746266158661633/more-on-smptwt-long-post

Part 3: https://crunchy-corvid.tumblr.com/post/619886809143476225/smptwt-part-3-030620

I’d like to preface this with a huge thank you to everyone who helped me collect and compile information for this post- and those who helped censor twitter handles and edit screenshots. Without you, this post would have never been made. 

Thank you to everyone on the Cancelled Heaven discord server:  https://discord.gg/emrh2u

Now, onto the thing.

So we’ll start at the beginning with the easiest ‘drama’ (I hate calling it that) to cover. Charlie (slimecicle) tweeted on his second account and it caused a little upset. It’s not much but it feeds into a greater conversation that I think is relevant here: 

We’ll start with Charlie’s original point, then move on to the reply. Obviously, this post was poorly timed, because everyone thought it was about the Cooper (cscoop) drama, when in reality it was just a general comment. I saw a lot of replies along the lines of ‘it’s okay you can @ cscoop’ and similar things. If you’ve read my previous posts you’ll know how I feel about the Cooper situation, but regardless, there are a few reasons why this is a Bad Take/poor interpretation of what Charlie said.

Charlie and Cooper are friends. They haven’t fallen out as far as we know. Charlie is left-wing, and definately doesn’t seem like the kind of person to be friends with someone who is racist/transphobic/sexist etc. So why would he be talking about Cooper in this post? 

Also, Charlie is clearly talking about people who still say slurs, not people who have said slurs in the past. This is how I read it, a jab at streamers and gamers who use ‘dark humour’ to justifty their actions. A lot of people seemed to relate this to Cooper, despite him never trying to justify his use of slurs. The people who did try to justify his actions this way were fans, not the man himself. So again, this post doesn’t relate to Cooper.

On to the reply, which sparks a different conversation all together. While I see where the commenter is coming from, and agree with them to an extent, Charlie is allowed to have his own opinion on the matter. And he is right. Using insulting language against heterosexual people does create a larger divide and doesn’t get anyone on our ‘side’. It just makes us look immature and causes a lot of straight cis people to assume that we hate them. 

On the other hand, I do think that saying things like ‘disgusting hets’ can be a funny joke if you are saying it to your friends who don’t have any issue with it. You probably shouldn’t get into the habit of saying things like that though, just in case you actually hurt someone with your words. Both sides of the argument have pros and cons, so anyone angry at Charlie for his opinion really have no reason to be.

Charlie’s reponse to this comment was reasonable, responsible, and mature, and he is clearly showing that he understands the concerns of his audience. This is all I’ll say about Charlie in this post. Honestly, he’s generally unproblematic and ‘safe’ to keep watching, if you enjoy a very drama-free environment. Have fun!

Now I’ll move on to Ted. He’s made some great points recently about cancel culture which I strongly agree with. Here’s his first tweets:

I don’t have much to add here, this is perfectly valid in my opinion- though I feel like sometimes you can tell a lot about a person by the people they follow. For example, if someone follows Trump, Ben Shapiro, and a bunch of right-wing youtubers, they probably agree with a lot of the things they say. But I think the point Ted is trying to make is that he shouldn’t be harassed about drama his friends fall into. If he isn’t involved, leave him out of it. 

Next we’ll take a look at his tweets on stans, probably sparked by the drama with Carson, which I will be talking about later. 

Again, I have no issue with what Ted is saying here. His idea is a good one, and a fun way to distinguish casual fans from people who create art, content, and (appropriate) fanfiction for the ‘flandom’! 

Basically, how I see it, is that a ‘fan’ is a casual viewer who doesn’t really get involved in the flandom, maybe posting about smplive and/or lunch club occasionally, but not being too involved. A ‘flan’ is someone who interracts a lot, creates art and fiction that respects boundaries, and posts more about the boys than a casual fan does. A ‘stan’ is a stalker-fan, creepy and obsessive, too invested, maybe creates art and fiction that crosses boundaries, and obsessively posts about the boys.

I think this new terminology is really cool and Ted is smart for coming up with it (also, probably hungry when coming up with it too). I think that the term ‘stan’ should be thrown out and used to describe the ‘bad’ side of fandoms. There is a risk that people will hide behind the term ‘flan’ to disguise the fact that they are a stan, but this is still a good step foward. 

But you’re not here to listen to me ramble about Ted or Charlie. You’re here for Carson. So let’s get on with it.

Carson made a series of tweets talking about stans, much like Ted did later. He seemed tired of stans harassing him about his friends, a sentiment shared by Ted (who faced very minimal backlash over his tweets). Here’s what he said:

Which is something I fully agree with. For big content creators like Carson and his friends, stan culture is absolutely insane. Recently they’ve been trying to ‘catch out’ many people who are part of smplive and/or lunch club, most obviously with Cooper and Schlatt but I’ve seen the others getting ‘called out’ too. Carson’s anti-stan stance is well-known in the flandom (yes I am using that word get used to it) so these tweets didn’t surprise me. 

For some reason stans seem to think that if one creator is okay with their behaviour, every other creator is too. This is not the case. Carson was within his full right to say these things about stans.

Obviously the replies got out of hand. People became horribly angry very quickly, and clearly Carson had already had enough because pretty soon he started blocking stan accounts- which only made them more mad.

Of course, there were supporters and anti-stan comments out there too, such as this fun exchange:

But a whole lot of people got angry. Carson was trending for a while, too, after he started blocking stans. Unfortunately some people did get wrongfully blocked, which sucks, sure, but use of an alt account or logging off of twitter can solve that problem (this can also be said for stan accounts. Carson didn’t stop any of them from viewing his content, just blocked them so that he didn’t have to see their tweets).

Carson did this for his own mental health. After a long conversation with older people who have been in fandoms for decades, I can tell you that being at the top is always hell. New threads created about you every day, friends you can’t trust, and people giving you shit for things other people said. I can’t imagine how someone as popular as Carson has dealt with this for so long.

People who were blocked started to claim that they were having panic attacks, that they hyperfixate so they can’t help being obsessive, and that Carson doesn’t care about mental health for these reasons. They said some pretty toxic and manipulative things and a lot of people clearly didn’t know what they were talking about:

First of all, these comments on the Katerino and Fitz situation are honestly disgusting. These people are only proving Carson’s point that stans will be super supportive one second and turn around to hate you the next. To bring up something like this, something completely unrelated and highly personal- knowing Carson will see- is disgraceful. To speculate about a relationship that Carson has explicitly stated he doesn’t want people to speculate about just to try and make a point? Horrible.

A lot of stans seem to have this ‘we made you famous so we dictate how you feel’ mentality, which I hate. Exactly as the reply says, they sound like toxic parents with these words. To think you deserve ‘respect’ from someone after accusing their friends of horrible things and harassing them to the point that they block you is so manipulative and quite frankly cruel.

Again, Carson has the right to block anyone he wants. Creators are not your friends, they are entertainment. If you are making them upset and harassing them, you shouldn’t get mad when they block you. 

Listen. It can be tough, finding out that someone you look up to has blocked you. Yes, I’m sure people had a not-so-nice time with their mental health when it happened to them. But in most cases, they were blocked for a reason. Some people were even literally asking to get blocked and then got mad when they did. But again, no one has been barred from viewing Carson’s content. He simply blocked people who he didn’t want to see in his comments section.

You have freedom of speech, but you don’t have freedom from consequence. If you say something that hurts someone else, you’re not always going to be free from their judgement. 

Carson has been very open about his own struggles with depression and imposter syndrome recently, and people are viewing his actions as... hypocritical? This is flawed logic. Carson blocked stans because they were bad for his mental health, the fact that some claim to have had ‘panic attacks’ as a result is not on him. He has the autonomy to block who he wants to block. 

Wilbur Soot made some comments about the situation, which can be found in this video from 7 minutes 30 seconds in, and goes until 10 minutes and 11 seconds in:

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/667971714

What Wilbur says here is completely understandable. He doesn’t have a problem with stans, but doesn’t speak for anyone but himself. Just because one person is okay with something doesn’t mean someone else is, too. 

Also, a lot of people think that it’s okay to hate on someone like Carson or Schlatt, then turn around and stan Wilbur, which is kind of fucked up, because they’re friends in real life. How would you feel if someone was super nice to you, then turned around and harassed your friends?

A lot of people claimed to have ‘hyperfixations’ on Carson or lunch club, which they used as an excuse to be obsessive and creepy. This is bullshit, but someone else explained it a lot better than I could:

And I absolutely agree with this. You cannot use neurodivergence to explain away your creepiness. That’s just offensive to people who do hyperfixate, and leads to even more problems and misunderstandings.

Carson did a stream much later where he talked about all of these things, and boy did that go well (not). Here is a clip of him talking about hyperfixations:

https://m.twitch.tv/clip/SuaveBlushingDotterelBCWarrior

Now, here’s where my support for Carson falters. He should have done more research on what hyperfixations really are before he said things about them. He hurt some people with what he said, and just saying he’s uneducated on the topic isn’t really an excuse.

HOWEVER. Carson was given very little time to research (about 24 hours between his original tweets and his stream) and, more importantly, it is very obvious that the use of the term ‘hyperfixation’ has been warped and manipulated by stans who are misusing the term to excuse their behaviour. Carson probably saw stans using it and assumed it was something synonomous with ‘obsessions’.

What he said was poorly worded, but the point he was making is the same as the (much more researched and informative) tweet above. Anyone getting mad that he is somehow ‘invalidating mental health or autism’ with his comments clearly don’t understand the point he was trying to make in the first place.

And here’s a clip of Connor talking about it, too, as well as defending Carson’s right to block people as he wishes:

https://www.twitch.tv/connoreatspants/clip/YummySlickPlumageSpicyBoy

https://www.twitch.tv/connoreatspants/clip/JazzySpotlessMelonMoreCowbell

What he said here is completely valid, a little poorly worded in the same way as Carson’s statement, but overall something I stand behind.

Some people are claiming that Carson is being manipulative or ‘gaslighting’ fans and stans:

Carson is not against fans who create cool stuff for him and his friends. He is against the people who harass him, accuse his friends of horrible things, and try to look for every little thing they’ve said and done wrong. This is what he said, and people got mad at him for it, and so he blocked them. That is it. There is no gaslighting. There is no manipulation. I’ve seen much more manipulative things coming from the stans’ side of things.

Now we move on to Noah’s reply to Carson’s tweet. Which, yes, caused a whole new can of worms to be opened.

Now, for those like me who have trouble figuring out Noah’s way of speaking, let me translate: ‘stans are insecure people who start to feel entitled because they’ve started to view a streamer they like as a friend/someone who shares their pain.’ 

For those of you who don’t know, this is what ‘don’t negotiate with terrorists’ means:

However, almost predictably, stans saw the word ‘terrorist’ and lost their goddamn minds. That, coupled with the complicated phrasing of Noah’s words, caused a lot of stans to freak out.

This conversation is full of Bad Takes, but my main issue is that they are trying to diagnose Noah with an actual mental illness. That is not only offensive to people who have that illness (especially calling him ‘insane’ in the same sentence, as well as implying that having said illness makes you a bad person) but is also highly hypocritical since so many stans claimed to all be neurodivergent themselves. 

Also, 90% of his fans aren’t stans. They’re mostly fans or flans. You are a loud minority. You aren’t as powerful as you think you are. Noah even started to retweet hate comments, that’s how few shits he gave. He also shows that he is concerned about people making things up about him, which is understandable.

Plus he outright said that stans are not fans of him, which in most cases, they’re not. Noah’s content isn’t as widely watched as some of his friends’ stuff, and a lot of stans don’t watch his streams.

But anyway, here’s one good take I saw floating around:

After this, before his stream, Carson deleted his original tweets and spent some time with his family, which was a sensible and mature thing to do at this point. 

During Carson’s stream, someone notified him that his ‘fans’ had started to doxx stans. Here is his reaction:

https://m.twitch.tv/callmecarsonlive/clip/SpicySassyGerbilArgieB8

A lot of people got mad that he didn’t do more to stop the doxxings, but I want to raise the question: what was he supposed to do? He can’t control his ‘fans’ (another breed of stans who don’t call themselves stans were doing the doxxings, to be honest) and he said not to do it. He was streaming, he didn’t know how serious it was or even if it was true, at that moment, what was he supposed to do?

It did get serious. People I know were doxxed. Anyone posting anything (positive or negative) about lunch club, smplive, and Carson were in danger. It was not fake like some people claimed. The twt handles in this post are blurred out because of the doxxing threats. I am making this post at my own risk, but I do feel that tumblr is safer than twitter at the moment.

This being said, it is in no way Carson’s fault how out of hand this has become. He has been against doxxing in the past and his sentiments haven’t changed. He has said more about the doxxings in replies to tweets such as this one:

Also, here’s what the mods on Carson’s discord server had to say about the situation. They’ve clearly talked about this with Carson, and are strongly against anyone who is doxxing these people (especially since a lot of the people being doxxed are minors).

A similar sentiment was shared on Ted’s discord server:

Here is what ItsAsaii had to say:

So that’s basically where everything stands right now. If you want an even fuller update on everything, check out Carson’s stream ‘afternoon fellas and fellettes’ where he talks about everything.

Here’s the last tweets I have from Carson regarding the whole situation:

And I agree fully with what he has said. And again, Carson doesn’t owe stans anything. Just like what was said here, he had subs and fans before he had stans, they did not ‘make’ him, and they cannot control him.

This is all I have to say, for now. If I have missed anything or you’d like me to cover anything else, please let me know. If I have hugely missed the mark and said something super wrong/offensive, let me know. If you’d like me to talk about a streamer or youtuber not related to lunch club, throw me a DM or an ask and I’ll try to compile some things, even if I don’t watch their content or know who they are.

If you’d like up-to-date information about drama in smptwt, streamers, and youtubers, join the Cancelled Heaven discord server- which I linked at the start of the post. 

I thank you all for reading, and suggest that you reblog this so that as many people as possible can see it. If you want to risk it, go ahead and link this post in a tweet or something, but please do be careful. 

For some ‘extra reading’ (watching) I highly recommend Contrapoints’ video on cancel culture: https://youtu.be/OjMPJVmXxV8

And Philosophy Tube’s video on artists and fandoms, there’s some really insightful things about parasocial relationships: https://youtu.be/3IG0Y63LkDM

Lots of love, and have a great day <3

[aros001]

Going in blind: Watching season 2 for the first time. Random thoughts.

Huh. Only 7 episodes. Not complaining necessarily. For series with an ongoing plot I've definitely become more in favor with their seasons only having as many episodes as they need rather than them having to stretch themselves out to full up a certain number of episodes, which can lead to padding and just bad character moments.

Episode 1: Jeez. Catra visiting Shadow Weaver's cell just to rub her success in her face and verbally abuse her back for once. It's like a twisted version of Zuko and Ozai from ATLA. Catra's upbringing under her was abusive but this is far from a healthy way for her to deal with it. She's basically deliberately swimming in her resentment.

Episode 2: It's not that I'm rooting for her but by-golly was it fun to watch Catra act like just the absolute worst she could while she was Glimmer and Bow's captive.

I touched on this in season 1 but part of the drama of the heroes feeling guilt over leaving Entrapta behind is kind of lost on me a bit simply because it was her own fault it happened. She deliberately went back into the purge room because of her machine obsession, which then closed on her and erupted in flames. It was more than reasonable to assume she was dead and no one but her was to blame, so I'm not really able to be invested in their guilt over it.

That said, weirdly enough I do like that her "abandonment" doesn't seem to be even a blip on the radar for Entrapta herself. She hasn't joined the horde because she resents the heroes or felt left behind, she simply is so obsessed with machines and experimentation that she'll be on the side of whoever lets her do the most of that. Like, it's selfish and irresponsible but it's very in-character and I'd far rather have a traitor motivation be based in that over something stupid like a misunderstanding.

Episode 3: I love the mental image of Shadow Weaver thinking up princess-themed ghost stories to tell Adora as a child.

So, if the previous She-Ra Mara separated Eternia from the other realms/planets/whatever she did and that's what cut off the She-Ra line for 1000 years, I'm guessing Hordak may be from the time before that happened, thus his drive to create portals and calling Eternia a backwards world. Either he's naturally long-lived or his technology is extending his life.

Episode 4: You know, you could maybe argue it was vague enough that it could be taken other ways but I'm definitely getting some vibes here that Scorpia is crushing on Catra. She literally refers to the two of them as soulmates at one point. I know she says she's trying to be friends but this feels a level beyond that.

Fun little reference to the original She-Ra cartoon thrown in there (and maybe Cowboy Bebop...? James Bond...? What was Glimmer's art style supposed to be?). I like how it is more like just playful ribbing than anything outright dumping on the original. Again, I've never seen original She-Ra but whenever remakes/adaptations go out of their way to trash to the original I always kind of wonder why they bothered doing an adaptation if the original is just that bad? Also, I was having trouble sleeping so it was about 2am when I watched this episode and the very Eartha Kitt Catwoman Catra made it very difficult for me not to lose my **** and stay quiet. With how much of a contrast that version is from the one in this series, that was hilarious. Bonus note, it's a nice touch that Frosta's version of Catra is a pretty crasher in that sweet suit, since that's the only impression of Catra she's ever had.

Adora being a chosen one is definitely elevated up simply by how much the pressure of what she's supposed to be is getting to her. I'm likely going to keep making Avatar The Last Airbender comparisons throughout the series but that's partly because I went into this series figuring it'd be at least structured similar to ATLA (season 1 being more episodic and a little more kid-friendly as it builds up the world before getting more serious later). Adora and Aang are interesting to compare here. Aang's worries early on were less apparent because he was more in-denial/choosing not to think about his problems that much, which fit with his character as a free-spirited Air Nomad. While Adora is much more military-minded. She can't keep herself from thinking about her problems and trying to prepare for the worst-case scenario. And jeez, that idea of who/how Catra is in her mind. Not only beating her but making her watch as she takes everything she cares about away. Not Shadow Weaver, not Lord Hordak, but Catra. That whole Lion King Mufasa/Scar moment between them in episode 11 and their fight in the S1 finale really did a number on her mental image of her old friend. Not reasonably so.

Minor note: I'm sure I'm the only one who got this impression but by the look of it, the way the robot's eye moved, and the music, after getting the soda spilled on it that little spybot gained sentience for half a second and then immediately died. It was so darkly comedic I had to laugh.

Episode 5: So that red disc is basically She-Ra's Red Kryptonite, having an effect on the mind rather than the body. The drunk Adora joke doesn't really do it for me but it did get some nice interactions going between Scorpia and Sea Hawk, two characters I certainly wasn't expecting to bond. I did really like Catra's panic when berserker She-Ra nearly beheads her. The implication is that is Adora really wanted to kill her Catra would already probably be dead. It's a thing I like about powerhouse characters like Superman or Aang, who could just demolish everything around them and don't simply because they're a good person...which in turn makes them the scariest person on the planet when they're well and truly ticked off. I'm not going to lie, I do kind of want to see a She-Ra version of Aang when Appa was stolen or when Superman fought The Elite.

Also, Catra's line of "I have control over Adora. I'm not giving that up for anything.". There's a lot to read into there.

Episode 6: I guess my prediction was sort of right. Shadow Weaver became basically a magic parasite and while it did increase the power she's capable of the implication seems to be that she needs a constant fix of magic to keep herself going, thus her attachment to the Black Garnet.

Have we seen Micah before? Given how long ago the flashback seems set, the fact that Shadow Weaver didn't kill him and thus he probably becomes someone important later in life, I'm guessing he's Glimmer's dad and the queen's late husband, since I think he's the only important male character whose face we haven't seen yet. Also, he's voice by Ezra from Star Wars Rebels and that cracks me up for some reason. It's the exact same voice and a relatively similar character.

I compared Catra and Shadow Weaver with a kind of twisted version of Zuko and Ozai and that definitely still fits here. Both Catra and Zuko confront their parent and call them out for the inexcusable abuse they put them through but while that moment was the start of Zuko's upwards journey this and SW's betrayal seems like it's going to cause Catra to spiral even further. Makes sense why Adora leaving affected her so much. She's probably the only one Catra's ever had that she could consistently trust and rely on, even if she did somewhat resent her.

Not surprised Hordak is getting along with Entrapta. She's not socially aware enough to be scared or intimidated by him, so she'll speak frankly, and since all she wants to talk about is the machines, experiments, and how they could get them to work Hordak probably doesn't take much issue with that. She's producing results, which is what he cares about, thus also why Shadow Weaver and Catra started losing favor with him. I wonder if Catra is going through imposter syndrome? Shadow Weaver had that line that Entrapta earned her place next to Hordak and, if you think about it, Catra hasn't really "earned" anything. We saw that she didn't really take her training or studies that seriously, showing up late to combat practice and even getting partial credit for what Adora beat. She wasn't promoted to Force Captain because of her own abilities but because Adora had defected when she was supposed to get that title. She's come close to a few victories but never really had any except for Glimmer and Bow's kidnapping...whom she then basically let escape when she returned Adora's sword to her. She doesn't have the slightest clue how the horde's bureaucracy works when trying to get things done, like simply getting troops armor. Given how much better than her Adora always was and how little she herself has to her name, I wonder is subconsciously Catra believes she doesn't deserve her current position and thus why she's fretting so much over trying to prove herself.

Episode 7: Am I mistaken or did Bow's parents say that he's the youngest of TWELVE siblings? I was going to ask whether Bow was adopted or if his dad's used a surrogate or if maybe there's even just simply magic in She-Ra's world that allows two people of the same sex to have a child together but now I'm just focused on the 12 kids thing. I get nervous just imagining myself having more than one. You should see me when I'm with two cats. I have to pet both of them because I'd feel like I'd be making one feel left out and like the other is the favorite. I'm a mess with kids.

The dad with dreadlocks (Lance?), his design looked familiar to me and I finally realized it reminded me a of a fanart design for a human Grim from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. Very different voices between those two characters though.

I wonder if there's any significance to the robot protecting the crystal having the same design as those in the artic in episode 5? Obviously both have the connection to the First Ones but the robot in the forest who was also protecting First Ones' tech had a more insect-like design over these more worm/Graboid ones.

I'm kind of curious what Hordak would have done if Catra had told the truth. Given his interactions with her and Shadow Weaver he doesn't seem like the time to tolerate failure but I suppose the implication here is that he at least would respect those who own up to their failures. Or I suppose more simply he was just testing to see if she would lie to him and since she did there's little merit in keeping her in a position of authority anymore where she could lie about important things again.

Season 2 verdict: Still enjoying it. Another person on this reddit recommended I view seasons 2 and 3 as one since they are basically just one season split in two. I was going to do that but this ended up longer than I thought I would, so I'll just do 2 and 3 separate to keep them semi-organized and easier to read.

I think overall Catra is my favorite character since she has the most interesting backstory, interactions, and just general path through the story out of everyone. She's like Pearl from Steven Universe or, well, Zuko. There's just so much baggage there that she's trying and kind of failing to deal with. I'm always invested in whatever's happening when she's onscreen. Hordak so far is a good big boss villain for Adora to face but Catra is a good archenemy for her.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/PrincessesOfPower/comments/o027y3/going_in_blind_watching_season_2_for_the_first/

[rabbitindisguise]

The nearest I can tell from google ngram, "fake it till you make it" has been in common use since at least the 1980's, in all kinds of contexts from: forcing yourself to stick to a diet until it naturally sticks; pretending you really like your job so you can get ahead; manifesting good things by imagining them really hard; reciting affirmations; and, like that one person said, reflecting on how people you want to be like act and modeling their behavior until that becomes your consistent way of being.

It really doesn't seem like there's a specific origin so much as it became a popular phrase that people just used to mean whatever they wanted, long before the internet was part of our everyday lives. Most of those uses don't seem like masking at all, but rather regular par-for-the-course behavioral training, which mentally ill people can both benefit from OR have massive problems with depending on their brand of neurodivergence.

Neither assessment seems any more historical or any less misleading than the other. If the problem with the post really just that the OP didn't include the words "means to me" in it, then just leave it at that without coming up with an equally arbitrary purpose behind the way the phrase was originally "intended" to be used.

I'm not talking about the history of the phrase, I'm talking about the popsci culture in mental health context it has been used in for the past five years or so. It's been a phrase in spaces specifically around mental illness and imposter syndrome in the context I'm describing, while OP is claiming that actually the phrase (in that specific context) really means something different and everyone else is wrong to misread it. When talking to people who are mentally ill using a phrase as it means in the mental illness community, I don't have to consider larger contexts because they're the one that opened that can of worms, not me. If they wanted to talk about something like positive thinking to secure a promotion they could have framed the post differently.

And "behavioral training is good actually" is not a take I expected to see, but basically behavioral training (ABA) IS absolutely founded in enforcing masking behaviors. It's literally in the name "applied behavioral analysis" and it's about shaping behaviors using rewards and punishment. DBT and CBT aren't behavior based at all, though they can have goals of changed behavior. Behavioral psychology is inhumane, the same way conversion therapy is inhumane, and it isn't even practiced on dogs anymore by ethical trainers.

My biggest problem with both of these (the post and this ask) is the ignorance. It's one thing to do something half cocked on your own, it's another to claim that "fake it till you make it" is about [better spin on prioritizing neurotypical passability] rather than just vanilla [prioritizing neurotypical passability].

The other thing that stands out to me in this ask is the "no wrongthink" ("positive thinking") thing. That is a common perspective. But that doesn't make it right or a correct reading of what actually makes these thought patterns- to use therapy words- positive or negative. This is especially common with people armchair therapizing with CBT and DBT and deciding that certain behaviors (jokes about suicidal ideation, negative self talk, writing about their trauma) are bad just because their therapist advised them that it could be negatively impacting their mental health- assuming all mentally ill people are the same and just like them.

It's actually a structural problem with that genre of post where "advice" is actually presented as instructions to people and used to apply to everyone without nuance. This is not a problem when people are talking about their own mental health but when it gets passed around it becomes less of a tip and more of a cudgel to slam non-compliant mentally ill people with for not preforming. Considering the number of these "tips" are contradictory, actively harmful, and based in toxic positivity to "combat anti-recovery" on tumblr- I'm not super endeared to them to begin with.

Anyway, to be clear: I wrote that response with the intent of correcting misinformation. I'm not arguing opinions. People have the right to know what they're getting into and what these phrases allude to, and a simple "oh you should have said what it meant to you not what it is" wouldn't provide that kind of info. My typical engagement with these kinds of posts isn't to convince anyone, it's to help people who already know what I'm talking about identify and deconstruct ideas- like identifying terf dogwhistles, misleading and misinformation from liberal news media that aims to shit stir our communities into a frenzy with clickbait titles, and anything else that's not readily obvious from a post. This isn't a discourse blog in the traditional sense.

Since this is an ask, and there's no way it'll get eaten lik reblogs with links, here's the type of fake it advice I was talking about:

Link, link, link, link, link, link, link, link, link, link, link, link

[winifrvd]

— 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘥𝘶𝘤𝘪𝘯𝘨.    𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐅𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒

pinterest. statistics. references.

basics.

full name: winifred anneliese james  nicknames: freda, win, anything you want really  age: 20  birthday: march 18, 2000  astrology: pisces sun, virgo moon, pisces rising  major: computer science  positive: kind, forgiving, loyal  negative: naive, insecure, guarded

about.

click here for winifred’s full bio. tw: domestic abuse, death, suicide attempt

winifred’s father comes from old money, and her mother was a housemaid working for his family. he fell in love with her and his family cut him off when they found out. they were young and in love so they eloped and moved to a small village by the seaside. i put brighton for the sake of putting a town down, this is subject to change if i find a town that better suits the vibe i’m going for.

her father was pretty impulsive n fiery. he was the youngest son and prone to making decisions he didn’t really think through, and his marriage was one of them. he grew up with a silver spoon his whole life and he didn’t realize how hard it was and how much he would miss it when he got cut off. he becomes alcoholic and abusive toward freda’s mother

when she’s twelve, she finds out that her father dies driving drunk. her mother still loved him and really spirals after this. she gets really depressed, and even though she can make it to work most days, winifred and her younger sister, francesca or chessy for short, basically raise themselves after that.

freda has photographic memory and is tagged as gifted at a pretty early age. she does well academically and is granted a lot of opportunities that she wouldn’t otherwise have had because of teachers who recognize her potential. they encourage her to do extracurriculars, to enter competitions, etc

she gets into ashcroft on scholarship and decides to study computer science even though what she really wants to do is study art history. if she was allowed to pursue what she wanted without thinking about the consequences it may have on her family, she would wanna be an art museum curator who lives by the seaside and paints on her days off tbh

she’s incredibly gifted and well-read, but she has crazy imposter syndrome. she doesn’t feel like she belongs in the imperium society at all like she thinks the only reason she does well is because she knows how to memorize, but that’s just not true. she’s articulate and critical, she always has something interesting to contribute, even if it’s just her opinion.

she’s a very talented computer scientist, and she participates in hack-a-thons and won first place at the fall hacks ashcroft has. also, the summer after she graduated she interned at a company and helped develop an app to promote women’s safety and prevent rape or assault. the company got really big after this app, so i imagine her involvement is how she got in the society. or at least how she thinks she got in the society

winifred’s pretty torn up about octavia’s death. she and octavia weren’t super close or anything since i would imagine that they only really got to know each other during the second semester and while lysander was with octavia, but winifred really did admire her. i’d imagine that she never saw octavia’s “bad” side per se; i’m under the impression that she can be slightly manipulative and volatile and i feel like winifred was never close enough to see that.

to her, octavia was always just someone who was full of life and bright and stuff. it doesn’t feel real to her that she died. she also never believed that lysander was guilty. she just doesn’t look at him and see a murderer.

when octavia started showing up, she was honestly pretty invigorated by the implications. lysander’s not guilty, and she’s always known that. she’s not righteous about it, but it does change things because before she couldn’t really justify doing anything about it when everyone so clearly thought it was lysander. now she actually could help look into other possibilities without feeling like she was being disrespectful to anyone.

of course that doesn’t change the fact that people will still think it’s disrespectful, but winifred thinks she’s justified and she doesn’t think any of this is a coincidence or a prank. she loved octavia, and she loves lysander, so she can’t just sit by and do nothing when the signs are this clear

fun facts.

always smells of lavender. she has sprigs of it tucked everywhere, in her pocket, in her purse, on her desk, between notebooks.

she has a rubik’s cube on her desk that she is perpetually solving then scrambling. she’s probably done this hundreds of times, and it’s like her own fidget cube. she doesn’t mind people messing it up or trying to solve it on their own, but it’s just something she does if she’s sitting around or trying to take a mini break. she’s also painted her rubik’s cube so it has prettier colors

she sketches a lot. she sketches in the margin of her notes, but she also has a sketchbook. she sketches her mother, her sister, hamlet, othello… romeo. so many of romeo. if you’re sitting across from her and she thinks there’s something interesting about you, she’ll start sketching you, even if she’s supposed to be studying.

would’ve wanted to become an artist if she could absolutely do anything she wanted, but doesn’t believe she has the right creativity for it. she would’ve wanted to work at an art museum where she could literally just spout facts about different art movements or different artists, but is pressured by her desire to provide more for her family to pursue cs instead

she really enjoys arts and crafts because she likes the idea of self-expression through art: she likes embroidering things, she’s done pottery once and did a little thing to keep her pens, she likes calligraphy/bullet journaling, she paints a lot of things (her phone case, laptop case, the aforementioned rubik’s cube)

she’s fluent in french, spanish, and russian. she took a couple of language classes for fun because it comes a little bit easier to her

a big believer in stretching and meditating in the mornings. she usually takes this time to just clear her head and think about what she needs to do for the day

her favorite thing to do when she’s near any body of water is skip rocks. once she got it to skip eight times. yes it’s her proudest accomplishment. yes she jokes it’s why she got in the imperium society.

winifred’s got a thing about wishing on coins and throwing them into fountains. there’s a small fountain on ashcroft (is this allowed? i made up this fountain) that she can often be found at with her eyes closed, hands clasped around a silver coin, a whisper of a wish on her lips.

a pineapple pizza WARRIOR

she loves an underdog. her favorite male character of all time might be cameron in ferris bueller. he is her KING. she loves sidekicks. she thinks they’re sweet and needed and overlooked too often.

always sings mindlessly when she’s baking or doing chores or whatever, it’s only nice because her voice is quite sweet

her style is conserved and comfortable, simple pieces that are feminine, mostly muted colors. an absolute slut for turtlenecks. wears a pair of white sneakers that are worn to death but in a cute and charming way where you know she knows how to love things long term. is always wearing a necklace her sister got for her as a graduation gift, a delicate gold chain with a snowdrop engraved in a circular pendant, on the back are chessy’s initials (f.j) so she is always with freda

winifred doesn’t wear that much makeup but she usually doesn’t leave her room until she’s put at least a touch of concealer (to cover those dark circles babey), some brow gel, and a pretty pink lip stain that she’s probably been using since high school. classic no makeup makeup kind of gal

really enjoys 70s and 80s music. her parents used to play it when she was younger before everything turned to shit and they’d dance in the kitchen and sing while making dinner. her mother had the prettiest voice.

some favorites:

flower: snowdrops

movie: about time

book: a tree grows in brooklyn

season: spring

fruit: nectarines

[thessalian]

Thess vs Screaming into the Void

This is not an easy time for anyone. I am fully aware. It feels small and petty to be focusing on my own stresses when all of this is happening. I don’t imagine I am the only person in the world who feels that way, honestly. Not sure if that makes it better or worse - I feel less alone, but I also feel like I should be handling it better.

...Yay imposter syndrome?

So here I am in the UK and our biggest problem is no one taking lockdown seriously anymore so that the ‘slight easing’ of lockdown has become a free-for-all. Which I guess pales in comparison to curfews, tear gas, pepper balls, rubber bullets, water cannons and general police brutality. Still, scientists screaming in vain at our politicians saying that lockdown is easing too soon and everyone else behaving like everything is normal again ... the NHS can’t take this.

Oh, and Brexit talks are going to shit. Because again, the UK insists that they’re not going to be beholden to any EU rules - which includes worker’s rights, food standards, safety standards, and human rights. Because remember, we tossed our Human Rights Act in the bin and justified it by saying, “We’ve got the EU’s Human Rights Act to fall back on!” and Brexit became a thing just a few years later and now no one wants to give a written guarantee that we get any rights at all.

The US is having mass protests about its loss of rights while the UK is having its rights taken away by the back door under a veil of jingoistic fuckery. I almost envy the US, horrible as that sounds. The whole world is watching you stand up for yourselves, for others. We’re just an international joke and no one’s going to notice what a mess we’re in until it’s far too late.

There are all the small things, and the big things on top of them. I am afraid for my friends. I am afraid for myself, in a less visceral way. I am very much afraid for my professional future. I am afraid to talk to my mother because I know she’s going to have things to say about what’s going on in the US right now and they are all going to involve calling the protesters thugs and I am going to have to make a choice between either nodding and swallowing bile and rage at her ignorance or pulling up every YouTube vid I can find of cops firing on peaceful protests with no warning or just cause and still not get through to her and end up in a screaming argument. Again. I am bored. I am tired. I am angry and scared and frustrated and I’m not sure whether I want to cry or scream half the time and every single day there is something that’s going wrong on every spectrum of life - global, national, personal.

I just feel churlish complaining about it because everyone I know is having the same damn issue, and I want to be there for them. I can’t be there for them when I’m burdening them with my issues. ...Yes, I realise that my friends are lovely people who want to help me however they can because that is what friends do. Just I do have my own issues and I’m not equipped to deal with the guilt that comes with more than a general ‘screaming into the void’ unburdening. I’m just trying to resist the urge to go entirely radio silent until I feel more equipped to maintain in the current situation. It wouldn’t help. It would make things worse. I know this. But the urge is there regardless.

I just want one good day. One day where the good news outweighs the bad. One day where something nice happens. Maybe I’ll be really lucky and that bit of art that I commissioned for our new player will be finished today and I’ll have the good that comes when I very visibly make someone’s day a little better. Meantime I’m going to go hide in Thedas for a little while. The Exalted Plains may not be the most cheerful place in the world but I’m on a Seramancing playthrough and that always finds a way to make me smile. (Also I am avoiding the Winter Palace because I hate timed missions - I just do not have the spell slots for that shit, even if I always end up with 100% court approval.)

[hollowphobia-casual]

The Amazing World Of Friendship Part MMXIX, The Return Of The Rising Awakened Empire

It’s that time of year again! The time I let down my defences and expose my emotions bare to all my friends so that I may thank and gush all over them, because despite my cynical hate filled shell, deep, deep, deep, deep, deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep down I’m actually someone who just wants to be loved, maybe.

But joking and honest truths disguised as jokes aside, there is something I would like to say, most of the time.., I feel like I have imposter syndrome, not regarding my art and my work, but with my friends! I have SO many wonderful friends and I honestly love them to bits and yet every year due to work, time zones, time schedules or just my inability to start a conversation I don’t get to talk to them or they go neglected for ages and I hate that so much about myself. My friends, all of them, are such wonderful people and they deserve so much better than what I give them, I love you guys, so very much..., I’m sorry for being such a terrible friend.

THAT SAID! It’s time to embarrass these lovely losers by letting them know just how much I care, kukuku.

@articbleu​ [Twitter]

Hah! Speaking of friends whom I’m constantly feel like I am neglecting, where do I begin without feeling like I’m treading over the same ground? You are one of the many artists whom I consider an inspiration, your dedication, drive and sheer will is aweing inspiring, like, I dunno if I can ever get over how much I think about it, I remember a time where we were both almost at the same level and now you are off doing who knows what, last I checked, you were studying in Korea, which is awesome, I’m so happy for you. But when ever I’m working and I feel like I can’t achieve, I look to you and tell myself, I can do better. I dunno if we’ll ever talk like we used to, so much time has passed since we last spoke, I dunno if we are the same people and there are times when I look back on my past, things I said that I regret and wonder if maybe you shouldn’t be my friend, not because I hate you, but because there are better people than me, who are more deserving of your attention, admiration and so much more, but regardless of what comes and what may happen, you have been or are, my friend and I love you, please, keep shooting like the star you are!

@nightmargin​ [twitter]

Okay, imagine this, so you met this cool girl who likes to draw weird, amazing and beautiful things on Deviantart, you enter a character tournament two with them, you chat about anime and stuff, then just a few years later THEY RELEASE ONE MOST ACCLAIMED INDIE GAMES KNOWN, like Whaaaaa-, there is not a day that goes by I don’t see One Shot stuff like, wha-, I dunno.., and she’s still making stuff it’s fucking incredible, WHY ARE MY FRIENDS SO TALENTED.., hah, go damit didn’t want to be melancholy.. ..,But like, shit, I just want to support my friends and let them know how much I give a shit, just how impressed I am, how happy for them I am but truth is I hardly get to see them, which is not your fault, you are making games, doing art, and having to be a social media presence, it’s exhausting, I understand, I just hope you know that I care still, that when I see your characters around the web, in fanart, in VRchat and other places, it makes me SO happy, I just want to hug you and let you know that you are doing an amazing job and that I couldn’t be more proud of you, I hope you know that.

@doodlediddy​ @doodledittydaisy​ [Twitter]

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Okay so, this is a friend where neither of us are to blame for staying out of touch because, HOLY FUCK YOU HAVE A BABY! AAAAA, you made a little person and they are so cute! On the rare occasion I go onto the hellsite that is Facebook, I get to catch glimpses of you and your lovely child, whom I terribly do not know the name or gender of A+ friendship right there, but yeah, GURL, you have an infant and they are precious, I don’t blame you for a second for not being in touch, it feels so weird, not too many years ago you were talking me off the ledge and then you got married, then you got baby fat AND NOT IT’S ESCAPE! I’m so happy for your family, fuck, that’s so weird, it’s YOUR family, not your family, YOUR FAMILY! AAAAaaaaa!

@mistercrowbar​ [Twitter]

I MET HER!, I MET HER!, I MET HER! No you guys don’t understand, I MET CROWBAR AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! We looked at beautiful lakes, we watched netflix, We ate burgers, looked at destroyed cranes, went to Ikea, watched more netflix, bought DnD stuff, ate more burgers, tried a beaver tail, more netflix, talked about lobsters and my little pony, looked at fossils, got mad at the ocean, yelled at drivers, more netflix… It was great, I loved it, would sleep on the floor again, 10/10. But Okay so I know that many people would think of Crowbar as intimidating, she’s not an emotionally open person I know, but to be honest it just makes friendship with her special, getting to know her on a level where you can read her is something that is truly treasurable and I’m so lucky to have that, she’s a unique person to love and that’s what's so great about her, she isn’t like everyone else, I wouldn’t change her for anything in the world…, okay maybe I’d allow her let me hug her more so I can tell her how great she is and she can’t flee, haha. I know I get on her nerves sometimes and I’m probably not the best friend on her list, I mean, I’m guessing, but considering how I measure up to some of the other people she knows, I can easily see that, I mean who knows thow, maybe I’m not a tier friend and maybe just a different friend and I just.., haha, I dunno why I obsess over this, how important I am to my friends, maybe because I just want them to be the happiest they can be and when I know I’m depriving them of joy, I question myself. But I am happy for what happiness I do bring to her, the moments I’m useful, when I am needed or just enjoyable company, those are the best moments for me, I’d give anything just to hear Crowbar laugh once every day, that’s how important of a friend she is to me.

@valbey-the-girl​ [twitter]

THIS ASSHOLE! Has been with me since I can remember, which probably annoys him, because I’m not the easiest person to friends with, specially of late, my mood has been all over the fucking place, I’m happy, sad, depressed, angry, frustated and yet he doesn’t complain…, that I know of.., and in return.., I send him lewd christmas gifts that make his parents question him and his life choices. Haha, friendship. But honestly, I like that about him, he’s one of the true people I know that makes me feel like we have a ‘normal’ friendship, we are not overly affectionate, we can speak openly to one another and we don’t like all of them same things and all I want to do is make him laugh and find a game that I’m good at and that he sucks at, because god damit, he seems like he’s an expert at everything, fuck you! I know times right now are tough for you, I can’t imagine it’s easy, shits going down at home, work and there is some asshole asking if your free once every Saturday so you can pretend to be a dwarf, just know if you need anything, you can always ask me, you’ve been there for me, don’t forget I’m here for you.

@dansome0203 [Twitter]

Don’t say how you are terrible friend because you haven’t been talking to him much, you say it every year, Don’t say how you are terrible friend because you haven’t been talking to him much, you say it every year, Don’t say how you are terrible friend because you haven’t been talking to him much, you say it every year,... -checks Script- “I’m a terrible Friend..” FUCK. -inhale- The man I look to for inspiration on cute girls and large boobs! God, I only really got to know this guy at the tail end of my Deviantart carrier before the big move to Tumblr and even then it was less a ‘WE ARE FRIENDS SWORN TO A BLOOD OATH’ and more me oddly poking him now and again, trying to start a conversation failing miserably, a tradition that would continue for about…, nine years…, nine years.. God I am a terrible friend. But enough about my inability to simply converse with people, what can I say about this Dan, he’s fucking great to start with, on the odd times I do actually get to talk to him I know he is nothing more than a chill dude who creates a lovely and warm atmosphere around him that draws people in, he has a fantastic sense of humour which is only equaled by his creative flair, no I’m not talking about the boobs, but more his designs for his characters, colour choices and so much more, I am honestly not joking when I say that I look at this guys work for inspiration from time to time, because I find his designs just that appealing and insightful. I would love for nothing than to just sit in a call with this guy and talk shop, or talk, or anything…, I wanna love you Dan, let me love you!

Gwyn Graham

And right of the gates… I FORGOT WHAT THERE TUMBLR USERNAME IS GOD DAMMIT! So for once me being a bad friend is entirely my fault!, we’ve always had a rocky time zone/schedule conflict even when we use to play DnD with each other, because life sadly, is not easy, fuck I wish it was. But also sadly I dunno what you’ve been up to, I dunno how you have been. I hope you are well and happy, did you get date? Are you on the lamb for murder? Who knows, but I like to think you are happy, I hope you are, I wish that you are.

@taplaos @tapliciousart [Twitter]

I bought three shirts from you and my father ignored the washing instructions so they are now basically ruined.-sigh- That said they are some amazing fucking shirts, so gonna try and be less of a downer here, but yes, like most of my friends, I am terribly out of touch with this wonderful person, HOWEVER, they have been fucking busy, designing some of the sickest Pokemon related merchandise I’ve ever seen, two things immediately come to mind when ever I see their amazing work up on my twitter, one… Why have Nintendo/Game Freak issued a take down notice and second, WHY HAVEN’T THEY HIRED YOU and I don’t mean that in a fanboy sort of, I love you pay attention to me sort of way, I actually mean that, your designs are so appealing, humorous, creative and at the same time, family friendly, like, there is such a demand for Pokemon related merchandise and you are just popping it out like nobody's business, christ, you are too good at this, it’s why I really need to sit down and talk to you about helping me design T-shirts at some point. Honestly, if you haven’t, go check out their stuff, seriously, do it, DO IT NOW!

@tuz-ohtopia @dm-tuz [Twitter] [Patreon]

When I started out I was ‘aware’ of Tuzzy, but I didn’t really know him, it wasn’t until I started getting involved with DnD that I started to know him and that was because he was the DM of my two other friends, so sadly I can never say that me and Tuzo have had the strongest of friendships. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I dislike Tuzo, I think the guy is great, the times we’ve actually spoken it’s been fantastic and talking shop with him was always a highlight, but it just.., amazes me, how I guy I barely knew went from a simple background presence to almost being everywhere I look. For you who don’t know, Tuzo is now a DM for hire and even has a Patreon where he offers up custom monsters, tiles and such, it’s so amazing to see how far he has come, it’s great, even if he has an unhealthy obsession with a lesser version of DnD, haha. I’m so proud of him and his unbound campaign is so enjoyable, experiencing it though his players is incredible and the assets he creates are outstanding, I just wish I had his time management, because I can not create assets to the same level or detail he does. This man has inspired me as a DM, an artist and a creator, and I don’t know if he is even aware that he has done that, Tuzo, keep doing what you're doing, because it’s amazing.

@nickala [Twitter]

Nicki’s Twitter describes her as a wannabe concept artist and an actual scientist and I’m probably the reverse haha, a wannabe scientist, god I love Nicki’s job, I really should talk to her about it, but then again I dunno how much of it she is allowed to openly discuss, she is after all handling human remains, so… I’ve mentioned it before, but I love Nicki, she makes life, make sense and it’s great, but more importantly than that, she’s just.., fantastic, funny, caring, but human. Like she feels so relatable with how she expresses herself, everything comes with a little frustration, a little guilt and honesty, which might sound like a weird thing to admire, but there are so many people these days who want to be fake, they want to be these, ideal versions that don’t exist, trying so hard and it becomes, exhausting and almost impossible to talk to them, because they wear a mask and you don’t know what their true intentions are. But not with Nicki, they talk and you can feel that raw emotion, it’s so satisfying to read text, to hear a voice and just know the complexity of a person, it’s refreshing and I cherish it.., even if I don’t talk to them that often.., I’m a sham of a friend -cries-

@mortooncian-art [Twitter]

I just met this lovely gal this year and…, I’m as bad with talking to them as I am with Dan…, I hope it doesn’t continue for about nine years…, I don’t want to be awkwardly skirting conversations at 37.

Sadly I can’t say much of them as a person, mostly because I’ve only really gotten to meet them this year, the aforementioned being a terrible person/friend, but I can talk about what drew me to them, because I was always aware of Thren? Mortoon?...uh.. Oh god I dunno what to call them..FU- I had always been aware of them since Deviantart and their art was appealing I just never made the leap to try and talk to them, because COWARD, it wasn’t until sometime last year, I can’t recall who but someone was reblogging their work, I believe it was Dan or Calien, it was from his DnD session and her little tiefling was just.., so..fucking CUTE! I loved her and wanted to know so much about her and looking into her work I found more and more cute loveable characters, and I dunno how to describe it, but her art just has this beautiful, cute and sexy charm to it that makes you just want to.. LIKE AND REBLOG IT… So after that, I just wanted to get know her, it seems so stupid thinking about it, liking someones art you think to yourself, hey I want to know this person on a personal level and maybe talk to them! And then, you get it and you clam up due to your social awkwardness and inability to manage a time schedule, haha.. But yes, I’m so glad I’ve been given a chance to talk to her, maybe if time allows it, I won’t screw it up in getting to be her friend.

@clauseart [Twitter] [Webcomic]

Yes, my fellow british artist whom I constantly compare myself against to measure my self success and my constantly conclude my lack of value… ...That’s not a joke I really do do this. Enough about me, I’ve mentioned it before with a few.., or most.., artist here, met on DA and look at where they are now, this girl, this them, this BEAST, started out with a crazy pinwheel and appearing in almost every OCT (Original Character Tournament) you can think of and now, they have an amazing webcomic about an amazing buff ginger and a kid whom I dislike (I’m sorry, I just wanna punch him,). Also a DnD character who seems from a distance seems like the drunk aunt who hates her family children.., I dunno I know nothing about their character and I really should ask someone, but if I’m right I want a gold star. But regardless, I am so proud of them, their creativity and artistic skill seems to have nothing but skyrocketed since the end of the OCT era of our lives and the dawn of tumblr, not to mention the just general progression of their comics, which I will leave a link to and if you don’t read this super funny and amazingly well drawn comic I will.. I really want to say more about them, I do! Sadly, I consider myself a friend, but I dunno if I even have that right, our friendship was very, distant, not in a negative way, but more like someone you chat to in a tescos (For any curious americans think Walmart), and now, I feel like I’m just a one man cheer squad. And honestly, I am okay with that, I get to see them improve and feel proud for them and they have a wonderful life as it is, what's more to want?

@lou0 @hunnylou0 [Twitter]

Lou has been one of my longest…, acquaintances? Okay I’m not saying that Lou isn’t a friend, I mean, I consider her a friend, but I’ve known her since I rejoined DA under the name Clockworkable, since then she’s been a source Joy, laughter, inspiration and to some extent a free expression, but, I could never feel like I was her equal or at least a friend, we were never close, despite how I tried to be.., she’s a difficult person to talk to, which isn’t her fault! Nothing ever seems to go her way, which.. Pisses me off so much, because she’s just a nice, beautiful and kind person who just deserves nothing but affection and I’d love to give it to her, even if it’s just a hug. But I know it can be hard.. That said, I’ve gotten the chance to really talk to her, getting to know her, the true her and it’s as wonderful as you’d think it would be, she is a true expression of her art, joyful, cheeky, funny, playful and kind, sweet, brutally honest, but that’s never a bad thing in my books. I dunno even now if I’m a good friend to her, I dunno if she’d even think of me as one, but I am happy that I’m a little bit here for her, more than I was before, I just want to make her happy.

@sunshinedrago [twitter]

Don’t be friends with this woman, it starts off small like “Oh, would you like to play Final Fantasy XIV?” and then the next thing you know your talking to scottish fairies and questioning your life decisions. I met this crazy spanish.. “ITALIAN!” Italian woman about three.., maybe four years ago? I can’t even remember how we met, like I know we met because we needed someone for a DnD game, but I can’t recall if it was me she contacted or someone else, haha, I’m getting old. Either way it doesn’t matter, because I’m so happy that I did, she’s encouraging, kind, sympathetic, honest and joyful, but more importantly realistic and down to earth, this woman is not a pity party and has introduced me to some of the most important anime and shows I could imagine, as well as help fueled my addiction to some games, a few years back I’d never played an MMO and now look at me...a broken shell of my former self…, obsessing over loot drops and glamorous for a fictional 3D bunny girl…She’s also one of my more active and talkative friends, which helps with my crippling depression haha, I dunno what else to say, It’s not like there isn’t a lot to say, just that I’ve said it over and over again, she’s a great friend and someone I wish I knew sooner, she feels like a friend I’ve always had, but I only met three years ago. Yeah.

@jabbage [Twitter]

What can I say, Smart, dedicated, driven, focused, talented, learned and amazing… ...Yep…, not just saying that because I am terrible friend…, not another example of not staying in touch with people, made worse by the fact they live in england…, nope…, are you buying it yet? I want to talk about how they inspire me, how they fuel my motivation, but sadly I have to just slap myself and twitter, because GURL never appears on my dash, but just.., THEY’VE WRITTEN SO MANY STORIES! H-how! I just.., I can’t get one webcomic done, I am so proud of her because of this, I should just be able to say that, but I don’t want to, I mean I do, I am proud, but I always want to talk about them as a person, I wanna mention times they’ve made me laugh, made me smile, but there is only a fleeting moment in a minecraft server sometime ago and… I am so sorry, for being a bad friend, but you don’t really need me to enrich your life.., JUST LOOK AT ALL YOU’VE ACCOMPLISHED! You are so amazing, one woman army, just AAAAA, so great! I love it, I love you, keep being amazing!, don’t stop! Burn bright, burn far and burn hard! Go!

@flunafloon [Twitter]

I can’t say how much of a bad friend I am again.., please, she deserves better than me, here is the link to her Etsy store.

@daco-taco [Twitter]

God I have a bleeding heart.., I say because I don’t really know Daco, hell I dunno if I even register as ‘friend’, I’ve followed them since Deviantart and I loved their art, for the most part I was content to be just that and then…, I just saw them upset, and fuck me, haha. I hate that I hate people being in pain so much I dunno why it destroys the core of who I am.., so now I’m in a discord server, or trying to be, feeling constantly judge, because I want to make someone happy and I dunno if I am even doing the job. Haha, what does that say about me?

Charanty 

I want to say a lot about charanty, I want to say we were great friends, I wanna say we talked from sunrise to sunset, I want to so badly.., dumb ideas we had, silly jokes we shared, moments of confusion, anger, tears.., bliss, regret.. But sadly I can’t, not that I don’t like them, no no, Charanty is amazing, but like something truly amazing, they are never around all the time, which sucks, because they are truly amazing, creative, beautiful in their mannerisms and perfect in their imperfection. I wish I could enjoy them more often.

ChubbuChu

I have many friends whom I want to be happy, Chubbu probably more than anything and sometimes I blame myself for their sadness, I know I am not the root cause, but I can still blame myself for moments of silence, moments of stupidity and overall not trying harder. Chubbu is.., affectionately irrational and down to earth, the best of times they are infectiously fun to provoke, play with and tease, while at the same time being caring and hopeful, I’ve only had the pleasure of knowing them for this year and even still it feels like I’ve known them longer, but I can’t wait to get to know them more as time goes on, I hope I do, I wish I do.

@hypertronic [Twitter]

Hyper…, Hyper.., “Your a terrible friend again aren’t you?” I mean.., YES, okay so Hyper started off as someone who was a fan of one my characters and since then I’ve had the pleasure of being taken out of the limelight and watching them grow into an amazing artist and COMIC CREATOR, AAAAA, so Park Of Plutonia, Hyper’s comic was a silly little RP group that was on DA, but look at it now! The amazing world she had hidden away in her head, now for you to read and I really recommend you go read it, especially if you want something different and unique, I really want to say more than just ‘go check out her comic’, I really do.

Mon

-breaths- “You were a bad friend again” GOD DAMMIT, YES! You know the saying never meet you idols! Because all you will do is upset them and make them judge you, HAHAHHA, SO! I became aware of Mon thanks to a small show I’m pretty sure NO ONE has heard of called Critical Role, they drew fanart for it quite regularly and I loved it! I even commented on their stuff from time and time, but there wasn’t much to it. Then I had a friend drag me into the world of FFXIV and to my surprise I met Mon…, after like a week or ten before I realised who she was, how would you describe Mon as a person? Like a rabbit doped up on sugar and caffeine, especially when she’s tired, cause then it’s like x2, what I’m saying is Mon is excitable and positive, which sadly doesn’t really gel well with my down to earth, grumpy I hate everything because I can’t act cute attitude that I’ve cultivated. So despite how much you’d think we are friends and how amazing and creative she is, we clash a lot, and honestly I feel like I am just WAITING for the moment, where she declares she has had enough of me and just throws me out of the friendship circle, because…, I know that not all people gel and sadly as much as I want to, I feel like I’m bringing her nothing but pain and I don’t want to do that, she’s creative and amazing, as well as so positive, she doesn’t need someone like me hurting her all the time.  

@spookydraws, @spesiria, @totalobelisk, @ssksscrapboard, @horrorjuice, @riyamilea

“More friend’s you have trouble staying in contact with?” Mmm.. “Amazing wonderful people who you’d love to talk to for days on end, but you are always just too busy for them, too involved in yourself to even say hi?” Yeah.. “Are they even your friends anymore? Are you worth anything to them, I think at this point you should do them a favour and unfollow them, because in the schemes of their lives you aren’t exactly making an impact are you? If anything you slow them down, maybe you are just slowing everyone down? How many more of you ‘friends’ are going to be added to a stockpile of names you can just gush over, because you don’t know them as people anymore, they don’t impact your life and they probably haven’t had a second thought about them?” …, I just think they are amazing people who need to be recongised for how talented and beautiful they are, life is hard and the voices in our heads can be fucking disgusting to us, so everyone just needs a moment, a person to just hug them and them, I love you, I dunno if you even know me but you are so important, don’t forget how important you are and just how meaningful you are, I’m probably just a stranger to you, but you have never for one second not been important to me in some way, I hope you are happy and that you live every second of your life knowing that you are loved by atleast one person. Cause in the end, that’s all we really want isn’t it, we just want someone to tell us that they love us, that we mean something to them, that we are important.

@phantomdotexe [Twitter]

The living definition of too kind for her own good, it’s both your best quality and your worst quality. An amazing talented person who’s managed to influence a small cults worth of people under the ideal of one uniform symbol and then gets upset how she hasn’t done anything with it. I love you to bits, your drive, your kind nature, but at the same time I worry for you, you have so many self defeating thoughts and worries, all stemming from your lack of respect for your own skill and your ability to try and please everyone at once, which can especially be seen with the ‘everyones opinion is valid’ If you made short stories based on your vision or merch, you’d make money in no time, but as it might contradict with someone else's, you don’t. Now I know this is meant to be a ‘I love my friends’ thing, but the truth is I do, I love you so much, but at the same time I have to tell you, you need to stop fretting, you always worried about other people, asking when they are going to bed and such, but then you are equally as bad of the same thing, burning the candle at both ends, rather than trying to resolve any of your problems. As someone who cares, let other people worry and focus on yourself, see you strengths for what they really are and go and make bank.

Plasma-Dragon

Only had the pleasure to speak to you twice on live streams, mostly knew you for your art, I dunno what I can really say? Here, you’re a new friend and I can’t wait to get to know you more… Man this was short.., fuck.., I really wanted to say something else…, uh.. .. .... ....shit

Lady Violi

Man, I wish I drew more personal projects like you did, haha, Okay so, a bit of honesty, when I first saw you on DA I have to be frank and say I didn’t think much of your art back then, but I am so happy to see not only was I proben wrong, but your art had grown incredibly sicne there, no just in scale and scope, but in detail, colour, it’s fantastic, is there places it could use improvement, yeah, but no one is perfect, but that’s enough about you creatively, what about you the person!

Well like I said I didn’t think much at first, but as time went on I became a little intimadated by you, probably cause of my own guilt more than anything else, but, doesn’t really matter, I’m just happy we actually talked, because discussing things with you is always a high light of my day, I’m so eager when your online because have such a nice easy and approach manner of conversation that’s infectious to me, and I love it.

And the best part! It’s only been a year since we started talking, I’m so excited how we’ll grow in friendship as time goes on, I know it’ll be worth it!

---

And.., that’s it, If you actually read through all of these and not just your own, I’d be surpruised, but I’m happy I wrote this, even if my arm hurts, things needed to be said, apologises needed to be made and love needed to be shared, thank you all.

[whenthelaughingstops]

Fear and loathing in lost vagueness.

So my ex is now in Germany and the Czech Republic for 2 weeks. I am single dad for that time which is kinda nice. My former in-laws, god bless them, are also watching the kids for a few nights of those weeks while I perform a couple club shows. 

I didn’t realize this, but knowing she’s on the other side of the planet has made me realize how much I think and worry about the possibility of running into her. It hasn’t happened yet (at least not to my knowledge), but I always have this fear that I will run into her while I’m either out running errands, at a restaurant, or hell maybe even on a date (who knows?).

The possibility is lessened knowing that when I have the kids, I’m usually doing dad stuff either at home or very specific places and vice versa for her. However there are times when the kids would be in daycare, she’s usually out doing whatever she wants during the day (she doesn’t work) and say I take a day off work (which I sometimes get a day off in lieu for having worked an on-call week). 

I’ve thought about this a lot, which is really why I stick to the same places. I’m usually either at the gym, at home, at work or at the comedy clubs (which I hope she wouldn’t dare step into).  I realize I’m pretty predictable. I also realize I have no clue what places she’s usually at. I mean outside of her parent’s place I have no idea what she does or where she goes most of the time. 

When we were together, she was pretty predictable, in the sense that she was at home and never wanted to leave. If we had a night off from the kids, it was usually for some sort of special event or planned outing. Later in the relationship, when the kids started going to daycare full time, I really don’t know what she was up to during the day. I would ask and it would be answered by “Oh nothing, just some shopping and I mostly stayed home”. Now I imagine she spends her days either going to the gym, yoga and aside from that, who the hell knows? What about her evenings without the kids? I’m guessing she’s out there living the time of her life. 

I really don’t know why I focus on this. Maybe it’s because I feel guilty for enjoying the little time I have to myself? Maybe I’m a little resentful that she gets to enjoy her time much more than I do? Maybe I secretly want her to be miserable? Maybe I want her to realize that I have a much greater struggle than she does having to pull a full-time job, part-time dad and part-time comedian?

This fear of running into her while we both happen to be out and doing our own thing bothers me, maybe because I still don’t know how I would react to seeing her happy. Living her life as if she has nothing to worry about. I guess I’m still trying to get over the resentment and anger I still feel towards her. This is something I’m still working on, and it mostly sucks because I have to interact with her pretty often. I don’t have the option of completely disconnecting and cutting her out of my life. I can only hope that this will get better as I move on with my life, but damn does she ever make that difficult. 

In terms of everything else, I’m doing pretty well. I’ve really started getting into this groove of managing my life and my happiness. I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been physically. Mentally, I no longer feel like I’m in that fog. I realize now that I’ve been coasting along, waiting for the next bad thing to happen, and being ready to just take it with as much expected indifference as I’ve been taking most everything in my life. However that hasn’t happened. Here I am, I am standing yet moving forward, reluctantly.

I’m not sure I would describe what I’ve been feeling lately as a depression, but more like a numbness. When all this started I had a passion that was driving me. I was going to make changes and through anger, and bitterness I was going to drive myself to change my life and thrive. Now as that anger and bitterness has subsided, I find myself just going back to feeling numb. I still get things done however. I am constantly moving forward. Either through comedy, my love life, my project car, my career, my fitness, I am doing the things I need to do. However I am just wondering what’s the point of it all? 

It comes and goes in waves, I get bursts of inspiration followed by long drawn out nothingness. Monotony. I envy people who can just straight focus on their passions and live in it. Myself, I don’t have that option. I work, I parent, I manage a house, I do all the things in life that, again... I need to do.

Comedy really seems to be my only real creative outlet at the moment, and the more I do it the harder it gets. I kinda miss the naive times when I was just happy to get up and maybe make people laugh. Now I need to make them laugh harder and more often... I need to kill on stage. I need to get so good that people see me as a real comic. I’ve often heard it described as the imposter syndrome, where you always think that you’re never good enough and you somehow tricked them into liking you on stage but really.. it was all tricks. My logic tells me, anything a comic does is all just tricks. However I still can’t believe I’m funny yet. How I see myself performing on stage before a show versus how I actually perform (I often record my sets on audio and review it) is vastly different. I am so critical of myself, every little detail, word, inflection. How is it that joke didn’t land? How is it that joke killed as before and now it fell flat? 

I need to write more, I need to practice more, I need to get more stage time, I need to go back to LA, I need to find a better punchline, I need a new tag, I need a full 15 minutes.. it’s crazy the shit we put ourselves through. 

However I’ll often go to shows, sit quietly and watch, as I see other comics do their thing and I still love it. I root for my friends to do well, I observe and analyze as a seasoned comic gets on stage and kills effortlessly, I laugh when a joke gets me cause I can see the brilliance, the timing, the economy of words, the bait and switch. I’m not sure I love the comedy as much as I also love the camaraderie that comics have. We all get up there and do one of the most soul crushing, riskiest art forms and all comics respect other comics to some degree. Despite all the bitterness and jealousy and in-fighting and drama, all comics do something that most people never dream or dare to do. Which is get up on stage, bare their souls in hopes that you laugh. Sometimes we fail and other times we succeed, but it’s how consistent we do it that makes us a true comic.

I am honestly honoured that I can walk into any comedy club, be among comics and hold my own. To stand amongst my peers and people know me, they respect me and we can all share in that experience of what it’s like to try and be funny. It’s one of the only things that I feel makes be happy and sad at the same time and that is perfectly fine with me.