#i watched season 1 when i was in middle school and it had a profound effect on me. one of my first animes

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

what if i watch tokyo ghoul again . would you guys still love me

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Chimerical

Chimerical’s stories aren’t at Gossamer, but you can now find them at AO3. If you have not read them, are you in for a treat! For instance, Regular People and Regular People Still are some of the X-Files fics I have read and re-read. You may also know Chimerical from her site Chimerical Publications, which was an extensive Mulder and David Duchovny fansite. Big thanks to Chimerical for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

I’m not surprised at all that X-Files fandom is still popular, it was an amazing, creative show with iconic characters. Aside from just being entertaining, like all good Sci-Fi it asked deep, profound questions about the nature of relationships and humanity. It’s these things that people remember more than the MOWs.

However, I’m surprised to hear that my stories are still read, mostly because there is always something new, someone has a new take, and of course, we have the more recent episodes which provides all new fodder for writers, which is wonderful. But it’s super nice to hear that stories from the classic show still mean something. Also, I wasn’t a prolific writer, there are only 12 stories, but perhaps they struck a chord and people like to revisit them the way you like to re-watch a favorite episode or movie.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

Fanfic is certainly not new, but The X-Files was absolutely at the right place, at the right time. The internet was just really taking off, and it enabled fans to connect instantly in ways that hadn’t before. I remember that Fox used to send out Cease & Desist letters in an ill-considered attempt to stem fanfic because the Suits just didn’t understand what it was. Nowadays, of course, they embrace much of it, encourage it, even. Supernatural wrote whole episodes about it. But in the early days they were really stupid about it.

But what I took away from it was that great community can exist with people you have never met in person. There is a great sharing of ideas and love of great characters.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

It’s true, no Facebook, twitter, tiktok – it seems strange!

But I connected to fandom though the old Usenet message boards, you couldn’t wait until the episode was over until you could leap on and start discussing the episode. And it was painful if you were on the west coast as I was because you would get spoiled. In truth, it wasn’t must different than Twitter, just without the character limitation. But it was rather the wild, wild, west, no moderators and no terms of service. It could be a free-for-all, and some of the disagreements were legendary! For writing, certainly ATXC was the big dog for fic, and of course alt.tv.x-files for discussion. There were many different Yahoo Groups and AOL mailing lists, that catered to interests in fanfic (Friendship/Adult/Slash) or to the characters and/or actors.

But frankly, the main thing I remember was what a complete PITA it was to just get anything posted. There were all these size limitations and ASCII issues that don’t exist today, you had font and formatting limitations, which cause people to get weirdly creative with italics, bolding, quotes and so on. And you had to break your story up in weird way simply to jam it into the email because there were size limitations. And it never failed that no matter how many Beta Reads you had, you didn’t see that last damn typo until AFTER you hit the send button. There was no edit button, all you could do resend the whole damn thing. It was the fanfic version of the 20 mile walk to school through the snow……Kids today have it so easy!  LOL….

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

Actors are, and always will be, the face of the show. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are amazing actors, and the nuance they brought each week was a wonder.

But one of the things that the X-Files also did was make people aware of the people behind the scenes, the showrunners, the writers, the directors. This was also something new. For most TV dramas, most people couldn’t tell you who wrote an episode if you had a gun to their head.

But people knew the writers like Vince Gilligan, James Wong, Darin Morgan, and of course Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz. And they knew the directors, Rob, Chris and the late great, Kim Manners.. It was like a repertory company. You could count on Morgan & Wong for the creepy, you could count of Vince Gilligan for the humor and relationship stuff, you could count on Darin Morgan for the “what the hell was that, but I loved it.”

So I guess what I took away was a deep appreciation for the craft, for the work. This carried over to other fandoms. I’m more aware of the creative team beyond the actors.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

Believe it not, I didn’t watch at the beginning. I’ve always been a Sci-Fi fan but for some reason this wasn’t on my radar. I came in about the middle of Season 1. I was channel surfing and stopped the X-Files, it was the episode “Ice.”  I won’t lie, I stopped because I saw David Duchovny in a henley and I’m never one to pass by an attractive man. But as I watched, I became intrigued by these two characters, and their conflicted relationship with each other, even though I didn’t really know what was really going on. But I had to know more. That’s good writing, where you can walk in half-way through an episode and be captured.

I immediately checked out the old AOL Service forums and found a group. Of course, back then, there was no streaming, there was no BitTorrent. So, you just had to wait until when and if the network decided to show a repeat, which meant you were screwed if you were trying to catch up. But someone on one of the boards offered to send me VHS tapes of the episodes of missed. That’s fandom as its best - I’m excited about this and I want to share it with you. So in about a week I was caught up and hooked. I had to see how these two people’s story turned out.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I’ve always written as a hobby, taken many writing classes, have always written short stories, worked on a novel or two. I’ve got friends who are writers by profession. But the closest I ever came to doing it professionally was co-writing a play that ran for a month off Broadway many years ago, so I’m a dabbler, at best. I’m a big reader, and good stories always make me think, “well, what if this happened….”

So, X-Files wasn’t my first fanfic rodeo. I had been involved in Quantum Leap fandom and Beauty and the Beast, some Star Trek. Once I good hooked on the show, I immediately began searching out fanfic. But it took me a long time before I wrote anything. I’m not sure why, perhaps I was waiting to see where the story went. But X-Files was different in that it blended one of my favorite genres with a truly compelling relationship story. And I don’t just mean romance, it was a melding of two entirely different ways of looking at the world that was captivating. Scully was so strong and Mulder so complex, how could you not love them.

So, I enjoy writing, I learn from it. I learn from the feedback, both good and bad. I’ve never understood fanfic writers who say “just sent me nice feedback.”  No one loves criticism, and not all criticism is valid. But you learn from it. I’ve had people tell me they hadn’t looked at an episode from that point of view and they like it - and I’ve had people tell me that I didn’t know what I was doing, everyone knew that Scully would never cuss (to which I say, please, she grew up on military bases!)  But it helps you improve.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

It was a period of my life I cherish because I met some friends who are still my friends to this day, all these years later because we found other things in common besides a show. It was great to share ideas and debate storylines. And it was a fun, creative, and exciting time. Each episode was must-see and then talking to my friends about it later was the best part.

I started to drift away when David Duchovny left the show. I thought then, and still think, they should have called it a day because the beating heart of that show was Mulder and Scully together. You can’t rip out half the heart and expect the patient to live. On an intellectual level, I got why Duchovny left, I got why Anderson stayed and I got that Fox was a fledging network back then and XF was a cash cow. But on an emotional level, it all turned upside down, especially when the much-promised “search for Mulder” never really happened.

Fans got angry. They were angry at David for leaving, they were angry at Gillian for staying, and they were angry at poor Robert Patrick, perfectly decent person, for merely existing. It got ugly and I got up caught up in that. Frankly, I was as much to blame as anyone in carrying on stupid arguments about crap that didn’t matter. And one day I just realized I’d let all the joy be sucked away, and this just wasn’t who I wanted to be, or how I wanted to spend my time. So, I took a break, I still watched the show as it limped on, but I disconnected from the fandom part of it. And by the time I’d had my break, the show was done!

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I’m always a fan. There are many shows I’ve followed and liked, Supernatural, Fringe, Walking Dead, but I don’t get involved in the internet drama. So, I don’t get as invested.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I assume you mean besides Mulder and Scully!  In literature, My favorite writer is John Steinbeck and every character he created was indelible and singular. East of Eden is my favorite book and the characters of Adam & Caleb Trask, as well as Cathy Ames are so well drawn.  Of Mice and Men, Cannery Row, they’re all perfect.  Another favorite book and character is Alexandre’s Demas, The Count of Monte Cristo.  The arc that Edmond Dantès’ life take is quite Mulder-esque.  And of course, Harry Potter, I’m a sucker for a character fighting against overwhelming odds.

On TV, Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap.  That was an amazingly well-crafted series, also featuring a female show runner, Deborah Pratt.  I love the character of Raymond Reddington on The Blacklist, there is something about a completely unapologetic bad guy. I would have once said Dean and Sam Winchester, but sadly that turned into a case of staying too long at the fair and I stopped watching a couple seasons ago - But the early seasons rocked. Literally every single character in M*A*S*H was golden, and they knew when to call it quits. Thomas Magnum from the original Magnum PI. (People my age will still remember the “Did you see the Sun Rise, Ivan” episode!)

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

Oddly enough, a few weeks before you reached out to me, I watched the X-Files movie again. I remembered the incredible excitement when it came out. Fox did this tour across the county; it was like a mini-con. But I remember they had the trailer on a loop and my friends and I sat through it so many times we could recite the entire thing by heart. TV shows, such as Star Trek, had made the leap to movie, but I don’t believe a TV show had ever made the leap to films while the show was still on TV. But damn, it was good.

I watched the two recent XF mini-series. They did much to revive the old feeling, especially the episodes by Darin Morgan, who is a national treasure. And it was wonderful to see David, Gillian and Mitch. I’m sorry there won’t be more.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I haven’t in quite a while. Mostly because real life has interfered (work, personal stuff, Covid) over this last year and I have trouble concentrating. But I would certainly return to it, you need the escape of a good story.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Oh yes! But they were all from the time I was writing. Lydia Bower, DashaK, BlueSwirl, XFBandit, Paula Graves, Taverl, Prufrock’s Love, and dozens of other are still on my PC.

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Like children, they each have their virtues but some may be harder to love than others. While I love a good smutty MSR, I was also a big fan of conflict resolution. So, I’m going to cheat and split the baby here. Based on feedback, I’d have to day my most popular story was Regular People and its sequel. And I really enjoyed writing that. It’s simple, it’s sweet, it’s what I hope for Mulder and Scully. The chance to just BE, if only for a while.

I wanted to try a slash story, so Wind River. That story was inspired by the murder of Matthew Shepard. I have dear friends in the gay community and I was so angry that this could happen in this country, so that one was about the need to treat people compassionately and who better to do that than Mulder and Scully.

But in truth, my own favorite is one that didn’t get much attention, called Rock Bottom. I wanted to explore that the fact Mulder and Scully, were, on occasion, just truly awful to each other and yet still reason to come back together.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I have a couple unfinished stories. There’s one from Quantum Leap, I want to finish first and when that’s done, I would like to finish the two X-Files that are half-baked.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I do legal writing as a profession now, so I write all day long, but analyzing a case or a legal matter is not the same creatively and I do miss that, so I see returning someday, you need to feed your soul.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

Well that’s all over the place, much like my mind! Often I was inspired by something I thought was unaddressed in the episodes. That’s where the Just One series came from. Or it’s a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern kind of thing -- That is, what’s happening off screen while the main action is going on. I find that intriguing, and that’s where Risking Everything came from. The incident in By Coincidence actually happened to a friend of a friend and I thought it would make good fodder. Pentimento came to me following a lecture I attended at a gallery, what happens when you peel back the layers you thought were true. You never know what’s going to connect.

What's the story behind your pen name?

“Chimerical” means existing  as the product of unchecked imagination, given to unrealistic flights of fantasy- which seemed right for a fiction writer, especially for XF. In the early days, it became the phonetic “KiMeriKal” when I was on the old AOL service simply because Chimerical wasn’t available as a screen name! But I’m finally Chimerical1975@gmail.com!

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

Yes, my friends are aware, some of them have been my betas over the years. My brother knows I write, but I don’t think he’s ever read anything because he would find the smut elements uncomfortable coming from his little sister!

Is there a place online (Tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

The most recent versions of my stories are at AO3. If I ever get around to anything new it will be posted there as well.

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Thanks for reading, thanks for remembering me, and it was a great time in my life. Fandoms are great communities as long as we can always remember there’s a human being at the other end of the keyboard.  Be kind, be compassionate, and never stop imagining the possibilities.

(Posted by Lilydale on February 23, 2021)

[nukenai]

I’m trying to actually finish watching the His Dark Materials HBO series, I’m only halfway through season 1.

But I’m like, full of dread but also hope. I hope the show can make me not as profoundly falling-the-fuck-asleep BORED as The Subtle Knife made me. And I hope season 3 can be good. Maybe change it up so you don’t kill off the only gay characters? Maybe not annihilate Lyra’s character so all she does is cry and defer to The Boy and fall in love with Boy. Maybe make Will an interesting, engaging character instead of the Standing Man emoji.

Also The Amber Spyglass was one of the most contrived piles of nonsense I’ve ever had to endure, it’s LEGITIMATELY baffling to me to see people praising it so heartily, constantly. Is it bc they only read it in middle school?? Because I read it a couple years ago, as a whole-ass adult, and not to sound like an internet tough guy but it’s full of such turbo cringe shit. Like, adult man author legit writing like a 14 year old who just Came Out As Atheist.

I say this as a super pissy atheist, the 2nd and 3rd books were embarrassing with their criticisms of religion boiling down to an ex-nun character looking into the camera and literally saying “RELIGION IS JUST A SAD DELUSION”. Holy fuck dude.

First book: Extremely profound and interesting world building! Really neat criticisms of the church and religion that don’t sound like middle school debate club. A really fascinating world with complicated characters I want to learn more about. The connections between people and their daemons is a really unique and awesome element to the world.

Second Book: I could not tell you a single thing that happened in this book because it almost put me to sleep. There was a town full of kids that threw rocks and all the adults got eaten by spooky ghosts? Literally all I remember.

Third book: What if we introduced 47 different species of magical little sentient creatures and try to develop the lore of all of them at once while completely losing sight of what made the established world interesting to begin with, while a grown man screams CHURCH BAD CHRONICLES OF NARNIA PISSED ME OFF I HATE YOU CS LEWIS on twitter. Made better by me imagining Metatron as Mettaton the whole time.

sorry I rant about this series out of nowhere all the time but like, the first book was really special to me because I wanted to read it when I was young and never did! And i’ve never been more disappointed in my life after reading the sequels. It’s like smash ultimate DLC levels of “what the fuck was that, I want a fucking refund”.

I wish I could talk to people about these books without getting into arguments in youtube comments bc i’d love to hear how people think the third book is actually good.

[welcometomy20s]

January 10th, 2021

Action Button Review

Review

Tim Rogers reminds me of Hank Green. They are about the same age, they look about the same age which is a combination of young and old that feel eternal. They also have the same length of experience in writing in online spaces, interest in Japanese media, and apparently have Crohn’s disease? In summary, he might be the closest equivalent to Dave Green that exists in the real world. Well, I guess Dave Green is not apt, as Dave Green is not special in a way, while Tim Rogers is special, but his speciality comes from his failures rather than his counterparts' success.

Tim Rogers is a hypothetical Green brother who did not decide to publish that book. He’s a hypothetical Green brother who went to Japan instead of Alabama or Florida. Whose project crashed and burned rather than a surprise success. He’s forged in fire while the Green brothers are eroded by water. Both are wonderful people, but with a different ground of intensity and differing wealth of wisdom.

I encountered this series because I found a twitter post about a six hour review of Tokimeki Memorial, and a white middle-aged man talking about a dating sim for six hours with laudatory blurbs would always pique my interest, but since I didn’t know the guy, I went ahead and looked if he made other videos, and found he has four other review that were all about three hours or more. Now I knew that I had to watch all the reviews to prepare myself for this six hour review of Tokimeki Memorial.

Now, I wasn’t a stranger to three hour reviews of video games. I watched Joseph Anderson, Raycevick, Whitelight, matthewmatosis, and Noah Gervais-Caldwell. In fact, in the comments below Action Button Reviews, many people talked about a comparison to Noah Gervais-Caldwell (and Brian David Gilbert) and that was quite funny since I actually watched a recent Noah Gervais-Caldwell video.

His first two reviews were perfunctory, him opening himself up and trying out new things and polishing his review style, as he went through the Final Fantasy VII remake and The Last of Us. While I watched The Last of Us, I distinctly remembered and contrasted Noah’s The Last of Us Part 2 review with Tim Roger’s The Last of Us review. I liked Tim Roger’s defense of interactive movies (although he denies it!) contrasted with more cynical but ultimately positive connotation in Noah’s review. And Noah’s thesis pairs nicely with Tim’s observation that Ellie was the main protagonist all along. That fact makes Part 2 much more understandable, even the bad parts.

When I finished watch his first two reviews, I went ahead and also watched several of Tim’s videos on Kotaku, which were slightly shorter, the longest being just over an hour, which is a review of the best games in 1994, and does contain a short segment about Tokimeki Memorial, which his six hour review was my destination. To put in context, Tokimeki Memorial was #3. #1 was Earthbound, #2 was Final Fantasy VI, and #4 was Super Metroid. And I just watched a playthrough of Super Metroid basically on a whim, because it’s a monumental and a great game to play and watch.

And while the segment of the games that I knew to be great and monumental in my absorption of knowing video games was deeply personal and rightly claimed its stake that it deserved its spot, his segment of Tokimeki Memorial never got there. It was almost as if he was deliberately hiding behind something. In the end of 1994 review, Tim pitched an idea about a three hour Earthbound review, which probably was Tim’s idea of floating a departure from Kotaku, which would happen two months later, and I wonder if he was trying to deliberately throw a curveball by making a video of Tokimeki Memorial instead of the promised Earthbound review. This may be a far leap, I admit.

I went back and watched the video about Doom. It was much better in quality and in darkness. I was reminded of Film Crit Hulk’s writing of The World’s End and James Bond, another very long essay that was deeply personal and chapter for easier consumption. Few commenters noticed that Tim Rogers was just doing a dramatic reading of his written reviews on Kotaku and Action Button dot net, and how they liked that approach, and I found myself liking that approach as well. You might believe a video review needs more than just reading an essay out loud, but just the act of reading an essay out loud in the correct intonation and inflection adds ton to experience. And Tim Rogers sounds like he has decades worth of experience to present a dramatic reading of his essay very effectively, much like Hank Green.

I continued scaling the mountain to my goal. I went through his review of Pac-Man and was delighted by his reading of Namco games, and was impressed by the opening sequence, and just generally enjoyed it. I was getting excited to set a day aside and let the six hour review of Tokimeki Memorial watch over me and reduce me to dust.

And it sure did. That six hours was a harrowing experience. What Tim Rogers is best at is telling a story, and so to go through a let’s play was a wish I never made, fulfilled. In the end, I was left with nothing and everything. It was like finishing a really good book.

I wanted to watch it again, then again I never wanted to watch it again. It was almost a traumatic experience. Tim talked about there being endless variation of love, and the love Tim Rogers went through was not the fluffy yet melancholic one that I craved, but one akin to a devotion of an eldritch god. Love made in justification for one’s efforts in attending and maintaining a relationship. A love stronger than most kinds of love, but most draining and taxing as well. Tim Roger’s synopsis of Tennis Monster reminded me of Asking for It by Louise O’Neill, which is also about empathizing a quite hateable character because we kind of have to. Apparently one person knows the full plot because Tim Rogers rambled on about it as he was couch surfing in his house, and unbelieve as it usually is, I fully trust that the commenter is telling the truth.

I was like a heroin addict, who really wanted a different hit, like talking to friends or hiking, my mother wanted me to go hiking with her, and I didn’t because, after the pandemic started, all I wanted to be was inside. Outside felt diseased. The air outside felt contaminated to me, hard to breathe. I was stuck in this place.

Tim Rogers is an exceptional figure. He seems to be a movie protagonist, he reminds me of The Librarian, played by Noah Wyle. Tim has eidetic memory, as he has access every single autobiographical memory formed, but not other types of memory. We know that those types of memory are different because of people like Tim and people who are opposite of Tim, someone who has no memories of autobiographical memory but otherwise fine. These people tend to have very few emotions and have a hard time deciding things. Lack of emotions is correlated with difficulty in decision making.

So Tim is the opposite of that, Tim is full of emotions, complex emotions and he can make decisions and carry it out in a snap. He would be good at school, and he was, but he would be too focused on his grandeur to be under some authority, which is how he became who he was. His anti-authoritarian nature rings throughout his reviews, highlight the general Generation X vibe that Tim exudes but also the modern socialistic movement of Generation Z, which adds to this odd mix of old and new.

Not only does Tim have eidetic memory and intense work ethic that he never seems to move away from, therefore making a three hour video masterpiece at a clip that seems unbelievable for a seasoned viewer, he also has exceptional skills in fast math and language, he seems to be at least familiar with dozens of languages, and of course Tim’s experience is bounded by his decade of living in Japan.

I think this is why Tim naturally gravitates towards video games. When Tim says ‘welcome to video games’ there’s a natural supposition that Tim Rogers is the protagonist of video games, and I think he is. Tim wants to be in video games, because he needs to be in video games, instead of some almighty god cruelly deciding to plop him into a real life. He should be an video game adaptation of The Librarian and go on world-spanning adventure and romance impossibly beautiful girls instead of toiling the grime of what real life portends to. His life is dramatic, but impossibly mundane as well. It’s a simulacrum of a movie or a video game, which is pretty cool on its own.

But of course Tim Rogers isn’t the only part of Action Button Reviews. In the ensuing five videos, Tim Rogers tries to do something. Video games are a wide net. There is so much to video games, something like Gone Home and Geometry Dash are included alongside Wolfenstein The New Colossus and Farmville. What makes a video game? Actually, the more interesting question is, why do we have the term ‘video games’? Why do we put all of this mess into a single category, as if there is some throughline.

Tim Rogers starts to do that. Tim Rogers boldly states that things like Doom and Tokimeki Memorial are intimately connected to each other. And that all video games are in conversation with each other, through deep and complex meta-narratives. Tim Rogers is a cartographer, trying to map out how video games are made whole.

I’ve always strived to be that kind of a cartographer, to showcase the weave of reality, of connecting two seemingly unconnected parts, and showing to a profound implication both existing, instead of one or the other. If you don’t know, I have been trying to write something out of my current obsession with Virtual YouTubers, and mostly Hololive, and while I think I stumbled upon the six hour video review of Tokimeki Memorial outside of my interest in virtual YouTubers, this video, as I expected in the back of my head, gave me plenty of thoughts about Hololive. Its rumination of cyberpunk and idol culture is so directly connected with the peculiarities of Hololive that I was quite astounded.

From the very beginning, I wonder how Tim Rogers thinks about Hololive, especially after he has done that six hour review. I’m sure he will have a lot of interesting thoughts about the prospect. I want to get in contact with him, maybe work under him. But then I don’t want to hang out with him. I want to be near him as he talks to a crowd at a party, but I don’t feel safe to be near him when there’s less than ten people nearby. I think below ten, I would be swept in some danger that I won’t be prepared for.

Tim Rogers and Action Button Review is a fascinating review series and if you have the time, I suggest you should take the journey. It’s well worth it, just to get a different perspective on video games and the world around it.

[normalg-irl]

When People Ask Me What I’m Doing After Graduation This Is What I’ll Say | May 3, 2019

So, I don’t have a job lined up for after graduation. I’m also not volunteering with the JVC or Americorps like some of my friends who enjoy helping people. I don’t have an internship, and I’m not traveling anywhere. I actually have no idea what I want to do? Like as a career, but also … in life? So I’ve decided to construct an honest answer to provide to anyone who asks me what I’m doing after graduation. If you, too, do not have a “plan” for post-grad, you are welcome to join me in the glorious city of Hartford, Connecticut, where these 5 post-grad steps will be carried out.

Step 1: Watch Game of Thrones.

Never having seen Game of Thrones makes me feel almost as shitty as never having seen any of the Harry Potter movies (never mind never having read the books). This is the first time I’m admitting that. I usually just play along like,

“I would be in Gryffindor, no doubt. My favorite spell is Leviosa. JK Rowling is honestly a legend.”

I’m embarrassed to confess how uncultured I am. But, with GoT, it’s way too complicated. You can’t just skim the surface like,

“Winter is coming. Jon Snow is my favorite character. Yeah, I’m not bothered by the incest either.”

I’m going to take the first three weeks immediately after graduation to binge GoT and get caught up to speed for the sake of the culture. And also for my own mental health because I’ve been feeling excluded and anxious every time Khaleesi is brought up around me. She sounds like a legend, almost more so than JK Rowling.

Step 2: Exercise lightly.

After the three weeks of binging Game of Thrones I’ll probably try and get my body looking right. No one tells you that going to Punta Cana for spring break turns you into a drinking-machine-party-fiend. The all-inclusive trip destroys all tendencies of eating vegetables and run-walking on the treadmill. For the latter portion of senior year all I’ve known, and all I’ve wanted to know, are Miami Vices (pina coladas and strawberry daiquiris mixed for the ignorant lames), permanent sunburns and foggy conversations with the same people over and over again.

So, with that, health and fitness has plummeted drastically on the list of priorities. Before entering the “real world” I’ll need to burn off all the fried chicken I swallowed whole while floating around in the Punta Cana resort pool. Step 2 is necessary in order to bury that part of the identity and embrace a classier manifestation of self.

Step 3: My high school friends and I become so bored that we go get frozen yogurt and have a really awkward encounter with someone random from our past.

Step 3 can be weaseled in at any point in the post-grad plan. Preferably I will complete step 3 multiple times, almost on a weekly basis. I envision a lot of days playing out like this:

11:00AM: Wake up.

11:04AM: Enter an “Instagram k hole” (This is a term I just learned. It’s when you get so deep into Instagram it feels kind of like you did too much Ketamine, and you’re seriously f*cked up).

12:10PM: Mom is getting home, so I quickly stage a job application workshop in the kitchen.

12:30PM: Mom really wants me to try harder at applying for jobs, I tell her I will.

12:45PM - 4:20PM: *Insert step 1 or step 2 here, depending on what level you’ve reached of the plan.* So this block of time can be filled with either culture binging, or getting the body right.

4:20PM: By this time culture = binged, or body = right. Both great outcomes. Send a text in the group chat, everyone’s down to hang, obv. No one has a job.

7:30PM: Not sure how those three hours were spent. Potentially was sucked into another k hole, but this time mind was completely erased.

8:25PM: Group unites at the friend’s house who has the most chill parents.

8:30PM - 9:50PM: Vaping, light gossip, and brief but intense Instagram k holes are accompanied by a random TV show playing in the background like Catfish or anything on TLC.

10:00PM: One friend suggests getting frozen yogurt. It’s the best idea she’s had in years.

10:15PM: Arrive at Sweet Frog dizzy off the vape. The smell inside is extremely nauseating. Someone might pass out in Sweet Frog.

10:16PM: Everyone fills up their cups with a mixture of flavors. One friend just gets a ton of those little balls with juice inside of them. She’s a psychopath.

10:19PM: I enter a frozen yogurt k hole. Halfway through the fro-yo I realize I do not like fro-yo. But then all of a sudden my cup is empty.

10:23PM: The awkward encounter the entire group has been anticipating finally happens. The middle school basketball coach enters Sweet Frog with his new girlfriend. He has no idea how old we are. He can’t even make a guess. He is intoxicated in Sweet Frog. He kisses us on the cheeks. His girlfriend is really pretty.

10:41PM: I leave Sweet Frog feeling awkward and sick. But it was something I had to do. And it’s something you have to do. It’s only right.

Step 4:  Shock my parents’ friends when I say, “I have no idea what I want to do” in the Big Y parking lot.

After the Sweet Frog interactions, awkward encounters will be nothing but a thang. I expect them to spice up the depressing post-grad days, and will probably become a favored activity.

So when my Mom asks me to go to Big Y to get a watermelon (she likes to give me random tasks), I’ll be kind of excited to go.

When I see Mrs. Miller in the parking lot, I won’t pretend not to see her. She asks me what I’m up to, what my “plan” is, and when I tell her about binging GoT and going to Sweet Frog and working out every few days, her face grows concerned and I am hoping she talks about my excellent plan with the other moms. I just want to be talked about, honestly.

I help Mrs. Miller put her groceries in her minivan so she thinks I’m still a good person even if I have no ambition.

“Good luck, sweetie.”

She nods empathetically from her minivan window as I stand alone in my pajamas in the Big Y parking lot carrying a watermelon.

Step 5: Read a life-changing book at the town pool.

I haven’t read a book in years. Reflecting on my life, I may never have actually finished a full novel. What if I’m in a job interview and the interviewer asks me what my favorite book is? I need to have something truthful and profound to say. The Fault in Our Stars isn’t going to cut it. I could maybe swing saying that the Game of Thrones series is my favorite, because I’m pretty sure they were books before a TV show? But that feels like it’d be super transparent at this point.

I can’t go into an intellectual discussion with some alternative, experimental book all confident like, “Have you read The Girl with the Chastity Belt’s Lullaby? It’s my favorite.”

No, you need something absolutely classic like To Kill a Mockingbird or Don Quixote or Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ll probably pick up War and Peace and call it a day. Been meaning to read that one. And then off to the pool I go.

I see myself spending a super relaxing time by the pool with my book. There are no annoying kids splashing around the day I decide to go and conquer my book. It’ll be closed off for academics on their sabbaticals just like me who want to peacefully read and feed their brains.

As I flip around War and Peace, I see a ton of pages, and a ton of words I don’t know. I suck at reading. I don’t know how to read. I can read the words, but the whole time my mind is thinking about potential boyfriends and potential parties and potential conversations. All which might never happen.

War and Peace spirals me into an anxiety k hole, which I think is actually just an anxiety attack, and I storm out of the pool without even buying french fries from the snack bar.

That’s as far as I’m going to make it into step 5.  

And there we have it my friends. Graduating without a job isn’t that scary if you embrace my perfect five-step post-graduation plan. Because, believe me, once you do it all - once you’ve watched eight seasons of Game of Thrones, hit Sweet Frog a couple hundred times, toned a few muscles, run into lots of moms, and “read” War and Peace … you will be ready to hightail it back to NYC - and maybe even land a job.

------------

Published by The Rival at Fordham University on May 3, 2019

[antilagardelle]

My Conversion To Catholicism

Given the nature of this piece I will largely stay my usual impulse to abide by strict writing formalities. I will likewise employ a great deal more pathos than usual, albeit still less than most people, especially with respects to something as profoundly epiphanic as a conversion. That said, I reckon the best point of commencement for my story is at the beginning. I was raised Catholic from the cradle, but around the age of fourteen I fell away from the faith. Now I never became an atheist, although I did have a phase where I believed that God was evil and he created us as his guinea pigs for the mere purpose of torturing us. This belief was largely reflective of my domestic situation at the time. 

As far as God’s existence goes--a subject which I do not have time to cover in this piece beyond a cursory review of thomist apologetics--I had always felt that these arguments, to which I was exposed at an early age, were essentially irrefragable: that a belief in any cause and effect without an uncaused cause at its outset was effectively an open rebellion against arithmetic, as was any belief in motion without an unmoved mover at its outset. Over the years I debated many atheists, all of whom advanced countless counterarguments to these undeniable verities. Yet not one of these rebuttals ever proved to be substantial argumentation, but rather clever forms of intellectual obstinacy; nay, that they never once posed an argument that both delegitimized these truths, and did not in so doing, delegitimize epistemology on the whole. So I was always convinced of the existence of a sentient uncaused cause: aseitas. 

Now it occurred a couple years after I graduated high school in February of 2018 that I was quite spontaneously driven to look into the controversy of whether or not Jesus actually existed. I found that there were in fact extra-biblical references to Christ from trusted historians such as Tacitus and Josephus. And upon reading these references, and further finding that all attempts to repudiate their veracity, or even to argue that they were insignificant to prove that Jesus existed, were eristically facile. And it was upon this realization that I then knew that Jesus was a historical figure. When I was younger my stance on the story of the crucifixion would have been that the story accurately reflected the human tendency to hate that which is righteous. To hate that which is good, and love that which is evil. But as to the historicity of the texts I would have taken a neutral stance: I didn’t know. But after researching the matter, I now knew. The thing that I had been raised to believe, happened to be objectively true regardless of my having been raised to believe it. The values I was raised to believe were objectively true. And this was somewhat astounding to me. It was as if I no longer believed... I knew. 

A couple months later, when Good Friday rolled around, I watched Mel Gibson’s The Passion Of The Christ. I had watched the film before, but this was the first time I watched it knowing beyond the shadow of a reasonable doubt, that the events depicted were verifiably historical. It was real. What I was watching really happened. And as such, I was so profoundly impacted by what Christ voluntarily underwent, and that through it all, he deigned not to provoke or to strike back, but instead to simply say “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” An innocent man, who did absolutely nothing, chose to undergo this torture anyway, without complaint. I was so deeply impacted by watching all this that I cried quite profusely. And I can remember thinking to myself that I wanted to be part of that man’s church. Whoever this man was, and whatever church he instituted I wanted to follow. And how could I not? The thought was burning through my mind, that if I had lived and seen what this man did, there was no way conceivable that I could choose not to follow him. And precepts such as saving sex for marriage, and going to mass every sunday were a small price to pay in comparison to how profound it felt to be numbered among this man’s followers.   

Moreover, I recall the thought that I could not get out of my head for several months thereafter, was just how incredible the scriptures really were. In other words, the story of Christ was a story that on all accounts should have been a fairytale. I mean you’re telling me that the son of God came to earth and turned water into wine and he was crucified and the temple split down the middle and the vail rent from the top down upon his death, and the earth shook, and on the third day he rose again from the dead and is seated at the right hand of the father and he will come again to judge the living and the dead? But that’s just it... it was true. It was all real. It was as real as my own two hands. This story which on all accounts should have been the biggest fairytale of human history, just so happened to be objectively true regardless how surreal or mystical it was. Far from dismissing the scriptures from reality as some outlandish fairytale, it elevated the status of reality to that of a fairytale. This was my realization: reality was a fairytale. And it is no surprise then that the marked trait of reality is its need for fairy tales to express it. The modern idea that everything can be reduced under a “rational” system devoid of all numinous or esoteric qualities is flat out irrational. In fact anyone who impartially observes nature and the universe sees esoteric qualities all over the place: namely the Fibonacci Sequence, the fact that the moon wanes and waxes in 28 day cycles mirroring the menstrual cycle by sheer chance, the perfect transition of the four seasons(four being a symbol of wholeness). Now what’s the immediate conclusion of all these occurrences? The most immediate answer, if I am to forego relating these mystical realities to intelligent design for the sake of argument, is that the world is inherently esoteric. If your version of reality does not include ineffable, mystical, numinous doctrines, it isn’t reality at all. This was the conclusion that my conversion brought me to. And I distinctly recall thinking, “the things that are true, the things that are true, you wouldn’t believe the things that are true.”

It was not until late December of 2019 that I began to shift from a sort of vague unitarian Protestantism to Catholicism. My heart was no longer hardened. It had softened at this point in time, due largely I believe to the fact I had just moved out of my Parents’ house. My conversion to Catholicism from Protestantism was based on two principle truths that I had long known, but suppressed or ignored out of a fear of coming back to Catholicism. That fear was now removed. The two primary truths were as follows:

1. That Protestantism is merely moral relativism with a Christian flavor. As bluntly phrased as that is, it’s true. The scriptures on their own cannot adequately constitute morality without a central magisterium to interpret them. Without a magisterium, stoning gay men, raping women, and flogging would all be justified. And many Christian movements have done such things which were made excusable by the mere fact that they had no papal authority to condemn them. The magisterium mediates the meanings of the biblical passages.  Discussion about infallibility is for another occasion. 

2. That biblical canon is an unattainable standard where there is no central church to delineate between those books which are doctrinally adequate and those which are not: namely The Gospel Of Judas, The Gospel Of Thomas, The Book Of Enoch, etc... Without a central authority, the very notion of a uniform bible vanishes completely. One of the attacks on the bible made constantly by atheists, is just how various and contradictory the literature is that claims to chronicle the life of Christ, and of the individuals and events in the old testament. That these chronicles are so varied and contradictory that there can be no canon. This argument holds sway as long as one refuses to believe that there was an actual central church that went through all these varied accounts and pulled out only those that were coherent, and in line with the Church’s doctrine, and I had to accept this in order to properly defend the truth against the assault of atheists.

I have now been Catholic for over a year. I recall it started as an inkling. In late December of 2019 I felt like I was being pulled that direction, but I still didn’t consider myself Catholic for certain. I started going to mass every now and then. This eventually became every sunday. I went to confession so I could start receiving the eucharist. Month by month, week by week, day by day, I became increasingly more devoted to being Catholic. I went from saying that I thought I wanted to come back to Catholicism but was hesitant to call myself Catholic, to boldly considering myself Catholic. I hope this piece has been informative, helpful, or enlightening to fellow Catholics, as well as others of all creeds and philosophical beliefs. God bless all who chose to read this!  

[elliewrit1133]

Conference Part 2

Part 1, The Writing Self

When I was in second grade I wrote a story in class that was based on a very vivid dream I’d had a few nights prior. Because my memory of the dream was so vivid, and because the dream itself had been wonderfully detailed and intense, I had lots of material to work with and little Ellie was very excited about that prospect. So I really went for it. I couldn’t tell you more about the dream or what I wrote about it right now other than that the central focus of the dream was a large blue and purple spotted sea monster. But back in the day I wrote a story many pages long about that monster and I remember having fun doing it. I also remember that a few days later after our teacher had read through all of our papers, he came up to me and told me thought my story about the monster was very good and he wanted my permission to enter it into the school writing contest. I’m sure that wasn’t my first writing assignment in school, but it’s the first one I remember, because I remember how it made me feel when my teacher pulled me aside to talk about how much he liked my story. I remember how I felt proud and good at something and I remember how my mom and dad were proud of me too. I learned that I liked writing stories.

During my “With and Without Nature” FSEM class last year we were instructed to create a nature blog. All of the students in my class had to find a park somewhere nearby that we could visit many times over the quarter so that we could watch it begin to change with the seasons. My spot was Washington Park, and I’ve always been a ~big nature girl~, but something about this little stretch of grass and trees and lakes and ~nature~ in the middle of a city that actually still felt kind of like ~nature~ fascinated me. That my homework was to spend lots of time there, carefully observing the flora and fauna and the interactions of the human visitors to the park with the flora and fauna, that was so special to me. I spent so much time there and was very diligent in my work of observing and writing about my observations for my nature blog. It was so fun to be so detailed, and gathering information slowly over the course of many weeks was something new to me--new and incredibly exciting. I loved it. I loved taking my time. And I loved writing about it in my blog and experimenting with new writing techniques to convey just how much I loved it. And I was so excited to publish those blog posts knowing that they would get to be seen by others. Which was new to me, because after that experience in second grade I never lost that love of writing stories but I lost the belief that I was at all good at it.

For a long time I stopped being proud of what I wrote and I stopped ever wanting to share any of it. So I continued my love affair largely in private for many years. I wrote mostly in my journal, and I still do write mostly in my journal for myself, but I know better now than to think my writing has no value. The value in my writing comes from the release that it gives me--how good it feels to write what I am thinking and what is eating me up inside. The value comes from describing things that are important to me, spreading the love or knowledge. The value comes from experimenting with new styles of writing--it’s thrilling. When I think about me as a writer, I think about what it does for me. It gets me through life. It’s my constant companion and my escape, and sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it, but it is always there.

Part 2, The Theory of Writing

My theory of writing. Everything I write is always written by me for me, be it an assignment for school or a rambling, semi-crazed journal entry. Written by me for me. It’s a form of self care. For writing to mean anything to me, and for there to be any chance of it being good at all, it has to be self motivated like this. Which is hard because sometimes I can’t get “in the mood” when I want to and school comes with deadlines. In this case, writing is less written for me, but it is still written for me. Written for me in an act of self preservation--sometimes I just have to get it done and accept that all of my work can’t be my best and some of it will just plain be bad--because as long as I get it done I live another day and I have the chance to keep doing what I love when the time comes. Sometimes writing isn’t about love or joy or profound thoughts or meaning, sometimes writing is about staying in the game. So in this way, it is still very much self-motivated.

Writing will always be there for me, so long as I stay in the game. The game that is school, the game that is career after school, the game that is relationships, the game that is life. I want to keep having those blissful writing experiences that feel good and, in my opinion, turn out good. That gives everything else meaning.

[josiebelladonna]

I can’t stand them as a newspaper--too hysterical and too over the top--but their personal column usually has some fascinating, often profound things in it. So I’m thinking of pitching this to the Huffington Post for their personal section because my story needs to be told from a big outlet such as that and I feel like my experience could help someone. I don’t care if no one sees this, but if you do, I’m trusting you and I want to know what you think.

I used to be a STEM student with huge promise. Here’s why I’m now an artist and a novelist.

(I mention suicide and cutting here, so read with caution)

I graduated from a community college with my associate degree in general art studies. When I got out of school, I shook some hands and the people behind those hands gave me congratulations. But those congrats were short lived as they were soon followed up with “okay, so when are you getting a job? What are you going to do about work?” Questions I wish I had answers to, but every single time, I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders.

Prior to my switch to the arts, I was at an engineering school with so much promise behind me.

I was that kid in high school who was always reading books and had the answers to all the math questions. I didn't like speaking in front of the class: I just wanted to curl up in the corner with a copy of Nat Geo or the Deathly Hallows with Stone Temple Pilots, Nine Inch Nails, and Metallica playing in my ears. I wore these plum colored rectangular framed glasses and when the weather permitted, I wore my hair in a loose ponytail so I had this odd Yoko Ono thing going.

I was a total geek but I was a total tomboy and a neo hippie, too: I almost never wore dresses and I had a dresser drawer full of oversized shirts. I played softball and field hockey. But whenever I did “girly” stuff, I painted my nails striking colors or with odd designs like fuzzy dice or stripes or the Scandinavian flags (I look at fancy nail designs on Pinterest now, and I think “not to be arrogant, but I was ahead of my time back then”), or—I read fashion magazines like Cosmo. 

But my big obsession at the time, aside from academia and rock n' roll, was Formula 1, both for the cute boys driving and for the radical weird science behind it. The problem I had with F1 was, at the time, being an American motorsport fan led to the assumption that you watched stock cars, and it was more so the case if you were young: attitudes have changed significantly with the explosion of the Internet, the building of the race track in Austin, Texas, and the introduction of American teams such as (appropriately) USGP before morphing into Brawn GP back in 2009 for a stellar season before vanishing two years later, and Haas as of 2014. But once those high rev 1.8 liter V8 engines fired up in those haunting banshee shrieks to kick off the new season, the doors closed. The results and events happening with Sunday's race circulated between my parents, a couple of dad's friends who watched, and myself.

It was the engineering aspect that brought my attention to the sport at first: the commentators at the time—Bob Varsha, David Hobbs, and Steve Matchett, or my third favorite trio behind Nirvana, Ed Edd n' Eddy, and Clarkson, Hammond, and May—often made serious (and sometimes hilarious) note on how F1 was the pinnacle of modern engineering. This was 2007, too, back when the biggest buzz in the world of science and technology revolved around the iPhone hitting the market and the demotion of Pluto. Even then, when you said “weird science”, older folks thought of the Oingo Boingo song or 2001: A Space Odyssey. Younger people and my classmates thought of comic book nerds and basement dwellers. Any context you put it in, Formula 1 was radical sci fi: far too weird for normal people.

Therefore, I was a geek, literally right before it was considered cool to be one. I was the new girl, too: my parents and I moved to California in 2003 from northern Nevada, in the middle of the school year. Since their technology is eerily similar to that of airplanes and rockets, I soon learned the gateway into being an engineer in F1 was a bachelor's in mechanical engineering followed by grad studies in aerospace. Once word had gotten out to me, I spared no expense. Here I was, an American bespectacled geek who excelled so much in eighth grade physics and algebra, that several of my teachers recommended me to a brand new engineering program at the high school (I grew up in a small town in the mountains of California, so it was THE high school and everyone knew what went down there). But I saw the future: I witnessed it every other weekend on our TV screen in places like Melbourne, Australia and Spa in Belgium (which, to this day is still my favorite track).

Things went well throughout high school, in fact, quite well. There were some hiccups, like I was still that geeky chick who barely spoke to anyone and wore weird band T-shirts and Chuck Taylors. But I made honor roll all four years, and I graduated twenty ninth out of some three hundred students: grade point averages were down to the one thousandths, i.e., half of a whole point average separated me from valedictorian. I still have memories of getting letters, catalogs, and emails from schools all over the country who wanted me, from Caltech, to University of Hawai'i, to Purdue, to Virginia Tech, even Stanford. I had my eye on University of Washington in Seattle for a couple of years because of Boeing. I eventually decided on Oregon Tech in Klamath Falls, a small school of about two thousand students in southern Oregon, six hundred miles away from home.

Everything good about my senior year went down the tubes with my parents' separation, my dad's confession that he had been using drugs since he was fifteen and kept it hidden from my brother and me all these years, and he and I spending six months in near homelessness, dealing with resentful relatives and nearly losing everything in a raging wildfire which I totally forgot about until just recently. And while my dad tended to his own circumstances in September 2011, I left for school, an eighteen year old on the Amtrak en route to Oregon with the clothes on my back and a bookbag full of school supplies and textbooks ready to move into my dorm, alone. I had the help of my aunt upon moving in, but I was still alone, just thrown out into the great wide unknown with what I had.

Things went well for the first fall term of school: I enjoyed my classes, and always sat in the front of the room, and answered questions. I got on well with everyone. I even joined an engineering club at one point, and I recall their goal in mind was to build a Formula SAE car (about three steps down from Formula Three, another two steps down from Formula 1).

Then the shift came when my counselor asked me how things were going and I said “great!” And, since survivors never forget, and I'm a survivor, he said the one thing I will never forget that made me rethink my choice: “oh, you'll be regretting you said that.” He kind of laughed, too, so it almost felt like Patrick Bateman saying that.

It was one of those moments of synchronicity where thereafter it got worse: my roommate moved out over Christmas, and I never found out why. Everyone either had their nose in their books or up each other's ass. Everything became a test of your own ego more than your intellect.

I found myself either bored out of my wits with nothing to do or in over my head. But the cost of school freaked me out more than anything: I spent my childhood in a trailer park, and then as I got older, my parents and I lived with my grandparents, my uncle, and then in a low income apartment complex, so whenever I thought of the total cost of the whole experience from tuition to where I got food, I felt terrible. I felt guilty that I was doing this to myself and to my parents. There were some nights during the spring term, around my nineteenth birthday, I would cry myself to sleep because I felt so unprepared. 

But the bright side is this was where I discovered art. Aside from the sciences, I had been drawing on and off my whole life: nothing major, just doodles and light sketches. Although I have attempted to do illustrations for books I thought of writing at the time, it was nothing huge, and nothing ever saw the light of day. When I was in eighth grade, and I hung out with the manga and anime kids, I tried my hand at manga, but I couldn't draw the eyes too well, so I made a character that had that spikey hair and a round face, but with “Jordan almond” eyes as I call them: I even started my own comic series called Life in the Paddock, which revolved around—you guessed it—the F1 circus at the time.

I discovered music two years before, with my favorite band Soundgarden, then Metallica and Green Day, and then the flood gates opened after that: I remember winding up alone at my grandmother's house at times and putting on Sirius Lithium to keep me company. When I was a junior in high school, I took art class as an elective, and I remember it was at the end of the day, right after intermediate algebra. Since it was an entry level high school class, the criteria covered all of the basics from shading to doing watercolor. In my senior year, I took stained glass just on a whim.

So on this warm evening in the end of May, and I had nothing better to do, I sat down at my desk with a sheet of paper, a mechanical pencil, and a ball point black pen, and drew a cartoon of Chris Cornell of Soundgarden. Once he was done, I thought “I'll keep going.” And I drew Kim, Ben, and Matt the next day. 

Come the summer, I moved off campus and started making more cartoons based off of the grunge scene instead of F1 drivers: it wasn't until two years later when I gave them a moniker, “rag dolls” after the Aerosmith song. But once my sophomore year began, there came a point I thought, “you know, I really don't want to do this anymore. I feel better making art even if it doesn't get me anything.”

I'm sure everyone has had “that one class”. You know: you walk into the room, have a seat, and feel like it's going to be a tough ten weeks or semester from the material of the course, or—worse—the teaching skills (or lack thereof) of the instructor. I took differential, or the basics of calculus in the spring of my freshman year and barely passed with a “C” grade (I had the coolest professor, though: he always made me laugh); but when I took integral calculus, the next level up, that autumn, I had an instructor who... I don't know what her deal was, but she did a shoddy job of teaching. She was one of those teachers who threw the concept out in the open and partially expected you to know it at first glance while doing the bare minimum to—you know—actually do the teaching part, especially with those of us who are new to this high of a level of math. Thus I bombed that class, so hard.

Add to this, in October, I started feeling down, because I had less time to make my cartoons and speak to people on the music forums. I felt like I had a chain around my neck and that sound you hear was my counselor laughing to himself as my blood spilled onto the linoleum of the aeronautics lab. I wasn’t good enough. Not smart enough. Not prepared enough. Not pretty enough. Not perky enough. I tried speaking to people about it. Oh, did I try to speak to people about it. But no one listened, or I was brushed off, that I should just suck it up and do it and be grateful because we're all spending thousands of dollars on our bloody education. Fucking whiny ass bitch.

If I told my parents about it, my dad would go on some tirade about his circumstances, and my mom was stressed out with school herself and having to work at the same time. If I told my brother or his wife at the time about it, they'd tell me to suck it up. My counselors stared at me, dumbfounded.

I used to cut and starve myself in middle school, too: right after my grandpa passed away and with the edges of paper and pushpins. I was going to do it again, but with a chef's knife and in a bathtub full of cold water. If that was how everyone was going to treat me, then I might as well go out in a cold fashion. I tried it twice. Add to this, I returned to not eating, either: I have a softball player's body and I always have been very heavy in terms of build, so to be my height (about 5'7”) and at 139 pounds, that's utter misery. This was in 2012, too, the whole insanity about the end of the world: I never believed it, but it did seem likely something big would happen for a while there. But I was going to die: I wanted the pain to end, the pains in my body and the pains I felt in my daily life as an engineering student.

But on the other hand, Soundgarden and Deftones were releasing new albums; then later on, I was actually going to see Soundgarden for the first time up in Portland, so of course I needed to stick around.

The other good thing that came out of that dark time was my trip to the Oregon coast over Thanksgiving break, to this little town called Newport. The coast is a mecca for all manner of artists, be they painters, musicians, glaziers, ceramicists, writers, toy makers, craftsmen and women, it didn't matter: if it was art, they collected there. I have been madly in love with the Oregon coast since then.

My depression caused me to have nightmares, which in turn caused insomnia: the one thing that could put me to sleep was Metallica's song Ride the Lightning, dear God, I wish I was making that up. On the other hand, I had mornings I wanted to stay in bed with the blankets over my head. All the while, I had the urge to cut my wrists and lay down in the snow and the howling subzero winds: if I wasn't going to bleed to death then the cold would bury my withered body. No one listened to my cries for help, anyway: I had my doubts that anyone would miss me.

But the class that hammered the final nail in the coffin was statics, or physics but dealing with stationary objects instead of moving ones. Very math intensive and very dry, even for those proficient in math. Depression interfered with my train of thought, even with the most seemingly basic of equations, like “I should know this, why am I coming up short? Why do I keep missing this?”

And I distinctly remember thinking that I didn't want to wake up one day twenty years down the road and feeling like I took the wrong choice.But I knew it was bad when there came a though where I knew what I would wear when I hanged myself with the pull cord of the blinds over my bedroom window.

The tipping point, though? I lied to my mom about registering for classes for the spring term and then she caught me and yelled at me for it. Needless to say, I totally lost it and I thought for sure I was going to end it: hang myself on the window and end it while still a teenager. I hated myself for what I had become—I lied to my mother, for God's sake—and for the dry environment I forced myself into when it just felt obvious to me. But the kicker—and this was when I knew for a fact nobody listened to me—when I said I didn't want to spend another minute in engineering school and I wanted to go into art, everyone I knew went “what? You weren't happy? The fuck, Hannah?”

But I made the switch, that radical switch to the other side of my intellect and it's done wonders for me since then. I've met so many people and in that first year alone, I advanced so far in my drawing skills that my portraits went from rough, out of proportion, childlike drawings to near photographic drawings with this soft impressionist haze around them. My cartoons were eventually recognized by Soundgarden themselves: I even talked them into making a follow up to King Animal, and there was a rumor I would contribute to the artwork of the album.

The silver lining in Chris' passing in 2017 was I turned to writing: I wrote and self published four novels in his wake, and I have no intent on stopping, either. My craft as a whole has become so much darker, intense, and raw, but also more emotive and tenderhearted. I know I'm doing something right because it's all incredibly satisfying and liberating, even if I don't make a dollar off of it.

But in spite of everything I've been through, I still have a deep love of science: I look at the arts as a form of science. It's human (rightfully so), it's tentative, it's controversial, and no matter how you see it, it's based off of observation. There have been artists who have injected science into their craft; you can actually write music using calculus. Tool even has a song, “Lateralus”, that's based off of the Fibonacci pattern. I love reading about earth science and chemistry and biology: when I'm waiting someplace like to get hair trimmed or a tetanus shot, if there isn't Cosmo or Glamour, I'm looking around for Astronomy. There is a ton I learned from school that have stayed with me, like the laws of thermodynamics, how to write chemical formulas, how to read nuclear isotopes, and everyone's favorite thing: how to do trigonometry. My first novel Aunt Anesthesia had a sci fi flavor to it, and the follow up Blue Monday was strictly sci fi. I have a mad scientist inside me, even as I write narratives and draw cartoons. But at the end of the day, I am an artist.

The switch has still left a bad taste in people's mouths: every time I speak to my dad now—he denies it and I don't think he's even aware of it, but I can sense it—I have this nagging feeling that he's still slightly disappointed in me.

Most of the questions I received upon graduating the city college came from my own relatives, albeit with a mindset of “oh, so you're an artist now? Tell me more about you're just barely making ends meet. Get a real job and a life, loser.” or “oh, so you're an artist now? Well, excuse me, Miss Big Shot.”

I still feel strange responding to that hoary old question, “so what do you do?” because it's usually followed up with “oh, what kind of art?” as if we need to keep splitting hairs and slapping labels onto things: art is art. If it came from the heart and soul and from a place of loneliness, it's art.

I talk to anyone my age about it and they get this deer in headlights look on their face, which is then followed by rapid fire questions like “don't you want a house? Don't you want to make money? Don't you want to live comfortably? Don't you want the good things in life?”

God forbid I ever bring up the fact I used to be an engineering student; I made that mistake once and the girl looked as if I just insulted her dead mother. 

Granted, it's not the only controversial thing I've done in my life: when I was in high school, I took French class all four years when everyone told me, “you should be learning Spanish!” I speak Spanish (also Italian and Latin) now because of my proficiency in French, but I still think it's poor taste to tell someone what you think they should be learning because everyone else is doing it. On that same note, in the summer between my sophomore and junior years, I taught myself German; in my senior year, I had a Russian literature obsession; my cartoons have a manga feel to them and I love Asian cultures, so I know some Japanese; and this past October, I started teaching myself Danish to speak to Lars Ulrich of Metallica “in his essence” as I put it. I guarantee had I not learned French first, I never would be saying all of this. But I still got flak for it all, because it's “not what everyone else is doing.”

And granted, I'm somewhat more comfortable about it now and my history with Chris and Soundgarden, my tie to Lars, and four novels to my pen name have definitely helped matters, but I still feel anxious about it.

Even as I post a new work in progress or a piece of writing, I still wonder “is anyone going to give a shit about this? Is anyone going to take this and the blues I feel every day seriously?”I have a love/hate relationship with sites like Tumblr because of this: if your characters don't have red noses and don't have a similar “look” to them to appeal to the masses, they're nothing. If it doesn't revolve around the dankest meme at the time, it doesn't matter. Do you paint? Okay, now, is it pretty? If it isn't, nobody cares no how much soul you put into it. I have lost count how many times I've seen someone tell me, “you should do it for yourself! Who cares what anyone thinks!” because it should seem obvious.

On the other hand, these days I look around at statistical stories making claims such as “we need more girls and women in STEM” and I can't help but think why? Why is it so Goddamn important to emphasize and dictate what my career should look like, or the career of some other teenage girl out there watching Formula 1 and thinking the same things I did whenever Matchett opened his mouth about nose cones or wings? Because feminism? Really, why do we keep pressing on this at every whim?

If you ask me, we need more female artists like myself who have been through a lot in life and all we can do is vent out our raw emotions in the vein of Frida Kahlo. We need more girls and women to pick up the 6B graphite or the paintbrush and just do it without worrying about arbitrary bullshit like “is this pretty enough? How does this look? Is this okay?”

The most profound thing I heard while at the city college came from my watercolor teacher when he told us: “I don't want a bunch of Picassos. I just want everyone here to relax and feel the paintbrush in the way you feel it.” That's stayed with me since I took that class in the spring of 2013, so much that I pass it on to other artists in my position. If it feels right to you, roll with it.

So as a disclaimer, I'm not trying to talk anyone out of going into science, technology, engineering, or mathematics: that's your own personal decision and I will never someone to tell you what to do with your life. But I want the world to know that you have got to look before you cross the street. The modern world we live in still fails to understand that some things are simply not right for everyone, and it took me to stare at death in the face to understand this.

[donheisenberg]

Top 20 TV Shows of 2017:

So this is the bit where I talk about how difficult it is to write a top 20 list because of peak TV, yada, yada, yada. If you are into TV criticism you have read it all before several over the last few years, the thing is while it might feel like a cliche it is totally true and with every year it become more true. Trying to watch everything out there is impossible and trying to then narrow down what you have watched to a list of 20 is almost as difficult. Every show on this list had an outstanding year as shown by some of the shows I left off of the list. In any other year the likes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Americans would be givens even if they just had middling seasons but not this year. It was truly a great year for TV and here are my top 20 shows of 2017.

Shows I Did Not Get Around to Watching/Completing That May Have Made My List: The Deuce The Handmaid’s Tail (to watch) Legion (to watch) Better Things Search Party Difficult People

Honorable Mention: Rick and Morty (season 3): Shout out to Review as well, which was excellent but just had to few episodes for me to really count it. In terms of Rick and Morty it was often in the news (or at least the twitter news) for the wrong reasons this year as a group of its fans decided to act like complete dickheads for a period of time. All of which deflected from the fact it had its best season ever. I’ve always had issues with the show and basically how pro-Rick and his asshole behavior Harmon and co seem to be and this year didn’t necessarily dissuade me of that but on a week to week basis it was crafting, ambitious and well thought out stories, at a rate the show had never before.

No 20: Fargo (season 3): As many observed this was not Fargo’s finest year and it maybe took a while to get going. It is also the case that 3 seasons in it is tougher for a show as idiosyncratic as this one to surprise us. When a seemingly major character dies in episode 1 it is less of a shock than it should be because that is what happened in season 1. Yet at the same time I so enjoyed this season and the performances by the likes of Carrie Coon (more on her later), Ewan MacGregor and David Thewlis and you still had episodes as excellent as The Law of Non-Contradiction.

No 19) Veep (season 6): Similar to Fargo this was a just slightly below average year for Veep, but even then the quality of the ensemble is so far above any other comedy out there and the quality of the writing/jokes/insults is again just of the highest order. There are few shows I enjoy more than Veep.

No 18) Master of None (Season 2): In my review I did write about how aspects of MON did frustrate me. For it’s social awareness, it is a show that wants me to desperately feel sorry for the man with seemingly the nicest/most privileged life in the world. The extent to which the show is essentially lifestyle porn at times can be a problem and the extent to which the show never questions Dev’s actions can also be a little off-putting. Yet having said that the good outweighs the bad and then some. The show crafts so many beautiful fully realized episodes and months after watching it is episodes like Thanksgiving that stick with me, more than the show’s flaws.

No 17) The Young Pope (Season 1): I’m not sure I get The Young Pope. I love it but I’m not sure I get it. Even in this age of weird TV there is something truly odd about this show. So difficult to write about because it does not conform to any conventions or labels and that’s why it makes this list. Having said all of this I’m not quite sure the show ever hit the heights of its pilot (even if it remained excellent throughout) and that’s why it is not a little bit higher.

No 16) Brockmire (Season 1): Brockmire is exactly the sort of gem that can get lost in this golden age, but for those few of us who did see it we know that it was one of the most raucous, hilarious and endearing comedies out there. I don’t know or care about baseball at all but I do love Brockmire and can’t wait til it comes back.

No 15) Brooklyn Nine Nine (season 4/5): Just as Brockmire can get lost in a sea of amazing shows, B99 is the sort of show that you can take for granted so easily but 5 seasons in and it is still full of heart and brilliant gags. More than that though this year on a couple of occasions we saw the show break-out of its comfort zone with episodes about Terry being racially profiled and more recently Rosa coming out to her less than progressive parents. Those episodes showcased a different side of the show and demonstrated how B99 is not just a great sitcom but an important one. Nine Nine!

No 14) Preacher (Season 2): Parts of season 2 of Preacher were as good as anything on TV. The opening scenes of the first two episodes, as well as standout episode Sokosha plus a whole host of other moments, showed how Preacher could execute some of the most ambitious TV out there to near perfection. It was not all perfect and the season might have benefited from being 10 episode long rather than 12 but nonetheless I love this show and it seems to only go in one direction. Bring on season 3.

No 13) GLOW (Season 1): GLOW was sort of the perfect summer show. It was funny and likable and so binge-able. Netflix makes a lot of deeply serialized shows, designed to be consumed in one sitting so as you find out what happens next. Glow was not that. What GLOW was, was a show that quickly established an ensemble of distinct and interesting characters who you wanted to spend time with and for that it was a standout show.

No 12) Better Call Saul (Season 3): It pains me to put BCS at number 12, in any other year this could be a contender for my number 1 spot but here it does quite make the top ten. Part of the reason why it is a little lower than you might have excepted is that at this stage I don’t have to tell anyone how good this show is. Into it’s third season and BCS was possibly better than ever. Certainly episodes like the chilling Lantern and in particular Chicanery mark series high points and some of the finest TV I’ve seen all year.

No 11) American Vandal (Season 1): American Vandal is a curious show. It is ostensibly a parody, yet by the time you finish it you look back and think that was funny but not funny enough to be making this list necessarily. What it was though was the most engrossing show of the year. And it all centred on the question “who drew the dicks?” Yet for the silliness of the premise I could not have been more intrigued. AV found new ground for the most tired of sub-genres, the mockumentary and in the process delivered an absurd but in many ways tragic story of a stupid but well meaning kid in high school whose life goes array for reasons that have little to do with him. Defining the pleasures of the show may not be straight, but boy was it insanely watchable-the Netflix model at its best.

No 10 )Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Season 3): Similar to B99, UKS is the sort of consistent joke machine that you can take for granted, and that many have, but for me this year there were few shows enjoyed nearly as much as it. I thought the show delivered its best season. The work of Ellie Kemper and in particular Titus Burgess can match any comedic performers on TV. Again though amidst all the laughs is a very human character study piece of an abuse victim and maybe where the show’s genius thoroughly lies  is in the way the show balances these two sides of itself.

No 9) Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Seasons 2/3): Rachel Bloom’s musical comedy/drama goes from strength to strength. Like many shows of this list it perfectly balances cartoonish sensibilities with discussions on mental health and never more so than in the first half of season 3. In addition to that though are the musical numbers. At times I’m just in awe of how spot on and clever their parodies, my favorite this year being “Let’s Generalize About Men” and for that it had to make my top ten.

No 8) Bojack Horseman (Season 4): In its 2nd and particularly 3rd seasons Bojack became a show that delivered some of the most outstanding individual episodes of television, possibly ever. Escape From LA, Fish Under Water and That’s Too Much Man are just incomparable half hours of TV. Season 4 did not deliver a single episode of quite that standard. What season 4 did do though is deliver quite possibly the show’s most consistent, revealing and hopefully season. Something we all needed at the end of the show’s previous season.

No 7) Catastrophe (Season 3): Okay it was only 6 episodes along, but I ask this question every year, is there a better written show on TV? There might be snappier dialogue out there, there might be more profound existential musings on some other show, but there is no show with more wonderfully naturalistic dialogue on now or possibly ever. Also there is not really a couple of TV I root for quite as much as Sharon and Rob and I really just want to watch the two of them on screen together as much as possible.Plus the final episode of season 3 was just the perfect send-off for Carrie Fisher and for that alone it deserves it place on my list.

No 6) Jane The Virgin (Season 3/4): Now four seasons in Jane the Virgin still has the power to surprise and hit me emotionally as much as just about any show on this list. I would go as far as to stay no episode of television this year hit me as hard as (spoilers) Michael’s death which was absolutely devestating. But when it comes to Jane the Virgin it is not just the big gut-punches that count, it is the smaller moments as well. The other scene that sticks with me most from its episodes this year is when Rogelio (often the show’s most comic presence) opens up to Xo about how he hasn’t been able to grieve properly for Michael, who was his best friend, because he knew he had to be strong for Jane while she was grieving. It is a comparatively small moment but every bit as resonant. I can take or leave all the intrigue concerning the Marbella but week after week the show delivers moments that really effect me, which even in this golden age can’t be said of too many show.

No 5) Twin Peaks (Season 3): It seems to me that Twin Peaks has either been number 1 or completely absent from every critics list. And I can understand both positions. Twin Peaks was fascinating in a way that television and art more generally rarely is. It was also incredibly and deliberately frustrating at times. I’m almost reluctant to point out how obviously frustrating parts of the revival were because I feel like I might be missing something. On the other hand because its Lynch and because he is a widely and rightly acknowledge genius I think some critics have been too forgiving of some pretty blatant narrative issues, that on another show they would have lambasted. Ultimately though it was the TV event of the year and nothing quite engaged me on a week to week basis like it did. More than anything though there were certain moments, particularly toward the end of the season, that were greater than anything else on TV this year. Moments I completely lost myself in, in ways that are quite difficult to explain and for that I won’t be forgetting the revival for a very long time.

No 4) Mr Robot (Season 3): If season 1 was clinically perfect, in a way no show since Breaking Bad has been, season 2 was an over-ambitious, definitely fascinating, mess. I was a bit of an apologist for the largely disliked second season-but even I was somewhat disappointed after the heights of season 1. Season 3 not only got the show back on track but it found a balance in the ensemble that neither season 1 (which was almost all Elliot) or season 2 (which felt like very little Elliot) had. It also starting making sense again and the show successfully battled the urge to be overly opaque or to have unnecessary twists. All of which meant that we got some of the show’s finest hours yet specifically the thrilling fifth and sixth episodes as well as the surprising and heart-warming eight hour, not to mention the finale which had a bit of everything. And for all its pessimism few shows made me happier this year, because I was so delighted to see this great show prove all the doubters wrong.

No 3) The Good Place (season 1/2): Michael Schur has secured himself a place in TV history with The Office, B99 and in particular Parks and Rec, already but with The Good Place he has gone one further. We all knew he could craft wonderfully funny and likable sitcoms, but here he has delivered a show as twisty and as engaged in huge philosophical issues as any prestige serialized drama. The Good Place is not necessarily a sad-com like many of the show’s on this list but it is possibly the most plot driven network sitcom ever. The thing is the plot has real stakes and is completely unpredictable as well. The huge twist at the end of season 1 showed that even in the age of Reddit you could pull out the rug from underneath your audience and I did not think that was possible. I don’t know how much longer they can continue it but as of now The Good Place is just about a perfect piece of television. 

No 2) Halt and Catch Fire (Season 4): Without spoiling what is number 1 on my list, when it aired I thought nothing would come near it but Halt and Catch Fire came very very close. Back in its much derided first season Halt was a jukebox spitting one antihero cliche after another. In some ways it never strayed too far from the conventions of the antihero drama but what made it different was that at a certain point it just wasn’t about antiheroes. Sure all the characters were deeply flawed, none more so than Joe, but their constant strive for something more, for some kind of connection felt so human you could not help but love them. The final four episodes were TV drama at its best and when it ended I really struggled with the notion that I would not be spending more time with these characters, but if anything made it okay it was how well they stuck the landing. Speaking of which..

No 1) The Leftovers (Season 3): No show has ever made quite the impact in such a short space of time. The Leftovers conclude its mere 28 episode run this year, just 28 episodes yet about half of them are nothing short of masterpieces. That includes just about every episode in this final run. It’s tough in just a paragraph to breakdown what made The Leftovers such a transcendent piece of television-so to be glib I’ll say it took the ambition and phantasmagoria of Twin Peaks and combined it with the heart and focus on character of Halt and Catch Fire. LOST-one of my absolute favorite shows of all time-will define Lindelof’s career but The Leftovers is ultimately a more complete and mature piece of work. The writing, performances and direction coalesced to give us something often hilarious and surprising and always deeply powerful. There may never be a show like The Leftovers again and for those reasons it was always going to be my number 1. 

[evenstevensranked]

#19: Season 3, Episode 15 - “The Big Splash”

Louis surprises everyone by joining the diving team, but then surprises no one by only doing cannonballs. This eventually leads to Louis reevaluating the future he envisions for himself. Should he remain a class clown forever? Or should he start taking life more seriously? Meanwhile, Ren’s on a mission to win “Best Smile” in the yearbook.

We start our episode with Tawny, Twitty and Tom (oh wow I just realized that all of Louis’ friends names start with the letter T lol) sitting in the stands at a school dive meet. Louis told them to go, yet he’s suspiciously nowhere to be found. Until a mysterious hooded guy walks out with LJH’s team, dramatically takes off the hood and… yeah. It’s Louis. Louis is apparently good at diving according to Twitty and Coach Tugnut (“Stevens, you don’t stink so bad!”) but he decides to squander his talent for laughs instead by doing cannonballs. It’s so cringy. Not only because doing cannonballs at a dive meet and soaking the entire audience & judges is beyond immature -- but, because his cannonballs are so fake lol. There’s the initial surface splash, and then an immediate second one that looks like a freaking nuclear bomb. Unless we’re all watching this from the perspective of Shallow Hal and Louis is actually 600 pounds, it makes no sense. I know it’s just for the lulz... but still. The gang gets a kick out of it.

We cut to the subplot where we see Ruby rushing around and tallying people’s votes for yearbook superlatives. Ren finds out that she’s a lock for “The Big Three” -- Most Likely to Succeed, Most Intelligent, and Best Personality. Is it just me, or is Best Personality a little debatable? (No offense, Ren.) Monique asks who’s in the lead for Best Smile and Ren gets salty when she finds out it’s some random chick Kelly Kerwin. Sooo, now Ren is determined to beat Kelly for Best Smile, as if she doesn’t currently hold the title for literally everything else. Seriously, girl. Let some other people get their time to shine. Dang. 

After school, Ren lets the cat out of the bag to Steve and Eileen about Louis joining the diving team. Steve is beyond excited and tells Louis he’ll try to make it to the next meet. Clearly, Louis does not want his family to attend and witness his latest goofball stunt. 

Next, we get a time-lapse of Ren being her own personal dentist in the bathroom before school because god forbid she doesn’t win Best Smile. It then cuts to Ren having a smile showdown at school with Kelly. This is the second time in the series where we get that annoying sepia, cowboy standoff thing. This cliché never works for me, ever. This goes on for 1 minute and 14 seconds which might seem like a short amount of time, but my god does this scene crawl by. Definitely the lowest point.

Steve decides to attend Louis’ next dive meet and brings his boss, Mr. Kupchack, along with him. Oh, boy. Tugnut compliments Kupchack’s fancy blazer and he responds “Thank you. It’s the finest Italian suede” and all Tugnut can say is “.........too bad.” HAHA. Of course, Louis gets up there and does another massive cannonball, completely soaking the audience... Including Mr. Kupchack and his fancy Italian blazer. Steve is livid and rightfully so. 

Louis’ guilt is starting to sink in... 

At home that night, Steve has a serious talk with Louis. He tells him that he was incredibly proud before the meet, (hence why he brought Kupchack along) only to be disappointed yet again. Louis tries to brush off his immature decisions by saying “I’m a kid. That’s what I do. I have fun.” But, Steve poses the question “It may be fun now… But where are you gonna be 10 years from now?” This really resonates with Louis. It cuts to a dramatic shot of him looking at a crap ton of “Class Clown” trophies later that night. Uh… When did Louis get all those trophies?! Where does he keep them? They don’t really let us see lol. It seems like they have their own private display room! Do schools even give out trophies for prestigious accomplishments such as “Seventh Grade Class Clown”? That’s the real question here. Anyway. This fades into a daydream Louis has of a 10 Year Lawrence Jr. High reunion.

As a kid, I always thought 10 years was too small of a time jump. Especially because Louis imagines Tom married with two kids and another on the way. But, 2017 marked the 10 year anniversary of my own middle school graduation. Now I'm 24 and a recent college graduate. Not to mention a lot of my friends are already getting married, having kids and starting their careers of course. So… Looking back at this as an adult, it's actually pretty accurate.

I love how since Twitty is a musician, they had to give him a ponytail down to his freaking butt.

I’d also like to point out that Tawny is a fashion designer, wearing rope lights as part of her outfit, and talks about spending time in Rome. Was Disney Channel under the assumption that clothes featuring rope lights are a high fashion ~Rome~ thing? Exhibit B:

Louis’ daydream is so depressing... but I absolutely love it. He basically imagines himself as a total screwup man-child. He can’t relate to his accomplished adult friends because he never grew out of being his middle school jokester self. It’s too real. You just cringe the entire time because everyone is trying to have a mature conversation and Louis is literally incapable of doing so. One by one, they all become annoyed by Louis’ antics and make up an excuse to leave. Twitty’s the only one left in the end and asks for Louis’ email to keep in touch. We reach the final straw when Louis says: “It’s kommanderpoopypants@laughsat.net..... With a K.” OHHHH GODDDDDD IT’S SO BAAAAADDDDD. I just wanna die of embarrassment. Twitty is fed up at this point too and peaces out. Louis snaps out of the daydream and whispers “No...” to himself -- clearly deciding against a future like that. 

The moment Twitty lost all hope. 

That whole sequence is definitely the standout moment of the episode for me. Not because of how funny it is (like you might imagine a standout Even Stevens moment to be), but because of how not funny it is. It’s something we’ve never really seen on the show before. I think taking a peek into Louis’ potential pathetic future was so great. It’s almost like they expanded on what they started in Uncle Chuck. This profound moment segues back into the pointless Best Smile drama. I think it’s kinda interesting how Louis’ plot is very existential here and Ren’s is very superficial. I wonder if that was intentional or not. 

Since Ren was so desperate to win and forced herself to smile non-stop, her facial muscles end up getting stuck in a rather disturbing grin lol oops. She’s scheduled to sing the school song at the dive meet in 5 minutes. This somehow leads to Ruby giving Ren a makeover to “distract from the mouth.” She also gives Ren the brilliant advice to cut through the steam room on her way to the pool. The end result is the long lost sister of Pennywise. Ren, The Singing Clown: 

Hiya, Georgie!! (No, but really. She looks terrifying.) 

Even though he wishes Louis would take it seriously, Steve still goes to the meet to show support. Kupchack also makes another appearance because his first-grader son (Played by Hayden Panettiere’s little brother) wants to see “The Cannonball Kid!”

Louis has built up a name for himself apparently. There’s a massive crowd there to see him! I would imagine these are the same kind of people who stand right next to the log flume ride at amusement parks just to get soaked while fully clothed for whatever unimaginable reason. 

You can see that Louis is under a lot of pressure to either give in to the weirdos in the crowd and give them the cannonball they want -- or to take the first step towards seriousness and do an actual dive. In the end, his decision to do a real dive is so admirable!!! I love it so much. But, naturally, when he emerges from the pool and declares “You know what? From this day forward... Let it be known: I am not a clown” we see that he’s standing there as naked as the day he was born. 

I was going to ask why Louis is the only team member who wears trunks instead of a speedo... but I guess this is the reason why, haha. He needed to wear something flimsy so it could fly right off of him later I guess? lol. I’d also like to point out Tawny’s freaking FACE: 

Um... okay, gurl. I always thought it was weird how she (along with, like.. 50 other people) saw her future boyfriend naked in public like that.

Anyway, Louis scurries off embarrassed and that’s it! The “final minute” bit is Ren coming home from school with a copy of the yearbook already??? She won The Big Three... and the last minute honor of “Best Class Clown.” It’s like Louis and Ren swapped stories in the end. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET, REN! That’s what you get!!! This is also the second time we see Ren wanting to achieve perfection in the yearbook and having it totally blow up in her face. 

I love this episode. It was actually the one I was most excited to rewatch while I was organizing my list. Since Louis is my favorite character, this one obviously gets a lot of “personal favorite” points for me. As I mentioned, it isn't even necessarily funny. As soon as Louis does his first cannonball, I get kinda depressed actually lol. The reason I'm ranking this one higher is because I just really love the plot-line and this more serious side of Louis which is seldom seen this prominently. In contrast to Uncle Chuck though, this episode spins the depressing factor into a positive and leaves you feeling optimistic about Louis’ future. You get the sense that he’s actually going to finally make an effort moving forward.

This episode would be even more effective if they actually aired it in production order!! “The Big Splash” is #320 in production. “Model Principal” is #319 — Ya know, the episode where Louis acts like an actual clown and singlehandedly turns the entire school into a circus??? Yeah. They decided to place that episode 3 episodes after this one. If “Model Principal” aired the episode before “The Big Splash” — LIKE IT WAS MEANT TO — it would’ve been so much better. We would’ve seen the height of Louis’ ridiculousness followed by the sobering episode where he decides to knock it off. The episodes leading up to “The Big Splash” in production order are all next-level zany Louis stuff. The few episodes that follow don’t include too much over the top stuff from him, so it would all make total sense. Instead, we get a really solid episode for Louis’ character development, later followed by a total regression of that development. Curse Disney’s f’d up schedule! WHYYYY?!?!?!

Thanks for reading!!

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR! Hope you all had a nice holiday. I took a break for Christmas, so yeah. I was actually so mad that the Christmas/Hanukkah episode wasn’t next on the list. It would’ve been perfect timing to review it last week. Oh, well. That episode is really good and deserves even higher than #19 ;) 

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[wanderingcas]

This week: Destiel in Canon!

[Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful submissions to Week 2 of Spn Fanfic Submission Thursday!! If you want to participate in next week’s fic submissions, check out the schedule!]

Totally Platonic Bunkmates by @braezenkitty

Five times Dean and Cas had to bunk together, and one time they didn’t.

“He could be an adult about this, it really wasn’t a big deal. He’d just keep to his side of the bed and face the wall, away from Cas. It wasn’t a problem at all. So why did his stomach feel like he just ate a handful of worms?”

Teen and Up. 5.5k words. (Complete)

[Sharing a Bed, Sexually Frustrated Dean, Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss]

Silver Lining by @darkheartinthesky 

After Castiel is severely injured during a hunt, Dean and Sam have a talk. Dean realizes what it is he really wants.

Teen. 6.5k words. (Complete)

Tags: Hurt Castiel, Caretaker Dean, Sharing a Bed, Supportive Sam

I Can’t Go On Without You by @destielonfire

Something is killing couples who participated in a secret Valentine’s Day ritual, leaving Dean and Castiel with no choice but to go undercover as a couple to investigate the murders. But when the ritual uncovers some long-buried truths, will this mean the start of something new between them?

Teen. 7.7k words. (Complete)

[Fluff & Angst, Sharing a Bed, First Kiss, BAMF Cas, Fake Relationship]

Wake Up by @destielmixtape

Dean is having a mental breakdown, and Castiel is the only one who might be able to help. Can Dean let down his guard enough to let Castiel in? Can he reconcile his feelings for Cas despite his own crushing insecurity? And can Castiel fight Dean’s inner demons without losing himself in the process? Will someone, anyone, please just use their friggin’ words?

Explicit. 58.5k words. (Complete)

[Fluff & Angst, Wing Kink, Grace Sex, BAMF Cas, Angst, Smut]

A Letter to Mom, from Dean by @hetaliankilljoy

Dear mom,

It’s me, Dean. Where are you? You’re an angel now, right? I don’t care about freckles, I just want you to kiss me once more please. I’m scared, can you sing me this song, that puts me to sleep, and helps me feel better when I’m sick? I miss you, mommy!

Teen and up. 3k words. (Complete)

[Songfic, Season 1-5 spoilers, love confessions, hurt/comfort, angst]

Heartbeat by @cardinaleyes

Castielsentries is a current canon blog that posts a new entry per day and has AU days, which is what this day was. This was written at the end of season 11 when Cas did not know if Dean survived Amara’s power. Soulmates can feel each other’s heartbeats.

Teen and Up. 1.2k words. (Complete)

[Canon Compliant, Season 11 finale coda, Cas POV]

This is Real by @compulsive-baker

Castiel and Sam return to the bunker after Dean confronts Amara. Castiel keeps his promise to watch out for Sammy after Dean is gone, but he can’t take care of himself as he falls into depression. His mental health is slipping, but Dean comes back to fix his angel.

Mature. 3.3k words. (Complete)

[Canon divergent season 11 finale, Smut, Tender Love and Care]

A Photo Booth and Funnel Cake by @deanisthebeesknees

Dean and Castiel end up at a county fair during a case. Dean shows Castiel the awesomeness of photo booths and fluff ensues.

Teen and Up. 1.9k words. (Complete)

[Fluff, county fair, photo booth, funnel cake, Shipper!Sam]

untitled by @woefulcas

Cas comes back human after the events of 12.23; Dean and Cas cuddle in bed. 

General Audience. .5k words. (Complete)

[Season 12 Coda, Warning for Extreme Fluff™]

Ignorance is Bliss (Usually) by @60r3d0m

Dean and Cas have a very public deathbed confession and officially become an item. And this would totally be thrilling—except Sam gets knocked out during the fight and misses the whole damn thing.

Or, the one where everybody except Sam knows and Sam thinks Dean’s sudden newfound celibacy is a witch’s curse.

Mature. 8.2k words. (Complete)

[oblivious!Sam, jealousy, Established Relationship, Miscommunication]

Ultraviolet by @mittensmorgul

The world seemed to be settling back into a somewhat regular pattern of supernatural activity after Sam officially rescinded the British Men of Letters American visa and Cas had moved into the bunker as a full-time Winchester. What seemed like a milk run hunt goes pear-shaped when Dean becomes the latest victim of a soul-devouring curse. Breaking the curse and saving his life only lead to a bigger mystery when someone unexpected steps out of the Impala and walks right into the middle of their case.

Mature. 8k/45k words. (WIP; posting a chapter a day)

[Case fic, Human Impala, Hurt/Comfort, Sharing a Bed, First Time]

Holy, Holy, Holy by @deanirae​

There was a hell-hound gnawing at the bones of Dean’s legs, each bite a payment for Sam’s breaths. To the very end, Dean thought it was a good price. He was willing to pay. But the angel who listened had learned about the great plot of using a brave, righteous man to start a petty Apocalypse and sacrificed everything to ensure it would never begin. It was 2008 and it’s probably still Wednesday now and Cas is keeping Dean safe, away from Heaven, from Hell, from everything. Despite Castiel’s best efforts, everything remains pretty determined to either get its hands on Dean or just get him back where he allegedly belongs. But there’s at least four theories about where that is and Dean seems to be the only one who doesn’t have one. Most of the time he just feels something is amiss and he keeps wondering when it’s going to be Friday and if the purple dog is ever going to come back.

Explicit. 54k words. (Complete)

[Canon Divergent after 3.16, Angst, Unhealthy Relationships]

Warnings: Major Character Death, Uninformed Consent, Emotional Manipulation, PTSD

On The Inner Workings Of Non-Angels by @babybluecas​

The way it began couldn’t get more cliché: Dean kissing Cas in the rain as they turned their ‘goodbye’ into a bittersweet ‘see you soon.’ Three years later, Dean can hardly believe what his life has become: he’s a happy civilian, shacked up in the bunker with Cas. The whole messed up world seems to have left them alone, at last, and the worst things that ever happen to Dean are the rom-com marathons his better half tortures him with. Even Sam’s living his dream, back in law school.

A true happily ever after for all.

The problem is that those, in Dean’s experience, don’t last forever. So when Cas starts acting suspicious, with strange phone calls and daydreams and the walls of yellowed books rising around him, Dean has a full right to be worried. He’s no longer sure he could handle their perfect, little world falling apart.

But Cas, of course, says everything’s fine.

Mature. 39k words. (Complete)

[Fluff, Angst, Established relationship, Fallen!castiel, Post alt-season 9]

Forgotten Angel by @justrandomspnstuff​

Cas looked around his empty apartment remembering when he’d had a purpose, when he’d been someone. And he realized at that moment why he kept his angel blade–because it was getting harder and harder for him to convince himself that he hadn’t always been a nobody. Hadn’t always been a whore.

Explicit. 86.4k words. (WIP)

Prostitute!castiel, Slow burn, Angst, Bottom!cas

Warnings: Rape/non con, Self Harm, Drug Mention

Fives Times Dean Called Cas Sweetheart (As a Joke and the One Time He Meant It) by @profound-boning​

Delicious breakfasts, beer with dinner, countless movie marathons after Dean and Sam hooked up a television and VHS/DVD player in one of the sitting rooms, hot showers, the smell of clean laundry… Yes, Castiel definitely enjoyed a lot of little things about his new life with the Winchesters.

The chance to get closer to Dean certainly didn’t hurt.

General Audiences. 3.2k words. (Complete) [Men of Letters Bunker, Bunker Fluff, Human Cas, Miscommunication]

Then I Defy You Stars by @spearywritesstuff​

They won if you ignore what they lost. Lucifer was cast out and the Darkness departed, but they couldn’t save Cas. So Dean gave up. With the passage of time and Sam’s support, Dean makes a life for himself miles away from hunting and anything supernatural. He runs a planetarium and teaches classes on astronomy, because once, long ago, Cas told him that when the ancient heroes fell, mankind could still find them in the stars. Dean looks to the stars.

Explicit. 81.8k words. (Complete)

[Angst, Temporary Character Death, Canon Divergent after 11x18]

You Can’t Get Rid Of The Babadook (And Years Of Unresolved Sexual Tension) by @mijrake​

When the queer community accepts the Babadook as their new found icon, they accidentally create a Tulpa that starts killing homophobic people. Of course, Team Free Will rises to the occasion.

Explicit. 11.9k words. (Complete)

[Case Fic, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Bisexual Dean Winchester]

Arrow by @all-i-need-is-destiel​

In which Sam starts to act very weird all of a sudden, centering his entire attention on a certain blue-eyed angel, Dean doesn’t know what to make of this strange behavior and his own confusing feelings, Castiel just goes with the flow and Gabriel has got the time of his life.

Teen and Up. 7.1k words. (Complete)

[Friends to Lovers, Familial Love, First Kiss, Gabriel being a major douche]

helpless when the sky explodes by @envydean​

He’s been split up from his brother. Can’t even hear him, shout to him or anything. It’s like a part of him has been ripped from him and he sits in the corner of the cell, back to the wall and ass on the cold concrete floor. Food is shoved through a pass through but Dean doesn’t touch it, barely looks at it.

Mature. 5k words. (Complete)

[Suicidal thoughts, hurt/comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark Fic]

Wardrobe Change by @phangirlpenguin​

Sam’s been jumpy around Cas ever since they defeated Amara. A wardrobe change may help, but how will it affect Dean?

General Audience. 1.6k words. (Complete)

[Fluff, Cuddling, Get-together, possible consent issues]

Hot Like Ice by @relucant​

“I… I can’t feel my toes. Or my fingertips. Is that bad?”

Dean swore under his breath. “Uh, it ain’t great, buddy. Can you move ‘em?”

Cas furrowed his brow in concentration. “I don’t know. It burns. Why does cold burn?”

“It just does, Cas.” He picked up Cas’ hand, and his fingers felt like ice. He peered at Cas’ face, and caught a tinge of blue on his lips. “Shit. OK, Cas, we might be gettin’ into territory where you think about usin’ some grace. Not on me, I always run a little hot, but you’re lookin’ like you’re gettin’ hypothermia.”

“I don’t think I can,” Cas said slowly. “There’s so little left, and I’m so cold…”

“Shit.” Dean scrubbed his hand over his face, then came to a decision. “Take off your clothes.”

Explicit. 3.8k words. (Complete)

[Fluff, First Time, Bed Sharing, Bottom Dean, Top Castiel]

A Night on the Couch by @caslikescoffeeandfreckles​

Dean and Cas get in an argument and it leads to one of them sleeping on the couch for the night.

General Audience. 1.7k words. (Complete)

[Gratuitous Fluff]

Cinnamon and Sugar by @liraelclayr007

Dean has feelings for Cas, but he is afraid to show them.

Cas has feelings for Dean, but can’t find the right words. So he decides to say it with pie.

Teen and Up. 1.3k words. (Complete)

[alternating pov, Cas bakes a pie, Cas loves Dean, Dean loves Cas]

Worthy by jad

“… you wanna what, now?” Dean asks, because he definitely didn’t hear that right.

Castiel tilts his head, a leftover tick from his angel days that Dean would be lying if he claimed to find anything but idiotically endearing. He knows this is his own fault, owing to that rather memorable moment a week ago when Cas wandered into this very same kitchen with a (fairly) legitimate question and Dean just didn’t know when to shut up.

Explicit. 15k words. (Complete)

[s9 bunker fluff, human Castiel, porn with feelings]

Blame It On Me by @coffeeandcas

Castiel has left the bunker and is trying to build a life for himself, alone, and is failing. He moves from one homeless camp to the next, struggling to find his place in the world and feeling more unwanted as every day passes. He never meets April, and with no form of identification to prove who he is, he never gets offered a job at the Gas n Sip.

Eventually, he falls in with the wrong crowd and his life takes a sudden, violent downward spiral. After months of searching, Dean and Sam manage to find him and bring him home, but at what cost?

Explicit. 44k words. (Complete)

[Human Castiel, Men of Letters Bunker, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Prostitution]

Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Drug-Induced Sex, Rape/Non-con

[bugontherug]

Rickyl Fic Recs

One Step Backward Taken by cranperryjuice

The wind carries with it the smell of wet fabric and rotting flesh. Nowadays Rick can almost ignore it, along with the distant rattling of chain-link fences, if he leans close enough into his work that his eyes and nose fill with the bright greens and browns of young leaves and tilled earth. (Set in the prison, after the season 3 finale.)

Comments:

The characterization was on point and the development of the relationship felt natural and could’ve happened on the show if they went that route and if they showed the in between days

Without lying by JamesJohnEye

His father laughs, ‘since when do you listen to Daryl?’ Carl looks at him coldly. ‘The prison?’

Comments:

Cute story and I loved how Carl interacts with Daryl

AUs:

 Southern Discomfort: Cursed by KatyTheInspiredWorkaholic

(Part 1 of 3)

When Rick is 8, he visits his family out in the middle of nowhere Georgia and gets lost in the woods. He stumbles upon something he isn’t supposed to see, and is saved by another little boy that gets him home safely.

AKA: the story where Daryl continuously keeps Rick from getting killed as they grow up, Rick is a nosy little shit who doesn't know boundaries, and Daryl's family practices a bastardized version of Folklore Hoodoo and New Orleans Haitian Vodou.

The Dixon Family and their associates use this practice to prosper their bootlegging business, but their rituals are corrupt and their actions anger the spirits they communicate with. The forest and town become cursed, and the horrible things the townspeople do in their every day lives makes everything worse. No one discovers the damning combination until it's too late.

Comments:

I can’t tell you how much I love this series! Part 2 is WIP but guys READ THIS! The characterization is amazing, the world building is phenomenal, the voodoo elements are super well written, and this story has stuck with me since I’ve read it a week ago! I want to read it again and I am not usually a person who re-reads stories so that tells you how good this is!

Shadows Where I Stand by skarlatha

After the events of "This Sorrowful Life," Rick wakes up in the hospital with the name of the man he can't live without forgotten on his lips and a doctor telling him that the last two years have been a dream. He then begins the long, arduous process of readjusting to life in the real world, but he can't get the image of the beautiful archer out of his head and soon signs start to appear that the dream may actually be real. Could Rick actually find his hunter? Could they actually have a shot at a happy ending? And will Rick finally be able to tell Daryl that he is the love of his life?

Comments:

I loved the supernatural/mystic element of this story and how the author dealt with Rick and his maybe crazy maybe not actions and how the people around him reacted to him

Ride by Riastarstruck

Waking to a world he doesn’t remember Rick Grimes finds himself trying to slot into the life of the man he used to be. As he attempts to relearn who he is and his place in the world, he leaves the safe familiarity of his home and family to travel the road and learn this new world.

On the road, he meets drifter Daryl Dixon a man who is running from his own past. Together they carve out a place for themselves on the roadways of Georgia.

Comments:

What I really like about this fic was how the author built Rick and Daryl’s relationship almost fully through their actions. It was subtle and even though it was the main focus of the story, it didn’t feel like it, which I found refreshing

A Thousand Shards of Glass by TWDObsessive

Midnight Quarry frontman Rick Grimes is not happy that his ex-band is still under contract for one final tour. Rick and Shane can barely stand the sight of each other, and the close quarters of the tour bus just make the tensions spike even more.  Luckily for Rick, there's a free seat available with one of the roadies.  All he has to do is get through this damn tour, then he’s done.

Comments:

I liked getting both POVs and watching Rick and Daryl find each other even when both have been burned by love

The Wild Runs in Me by Bennyhatter           

Daryl has always thought of the Wild blood in him as a curse.

Comments:

So this is a werewolf AU and I’m always a little skeptical of stories with A/B/O, but this one was well written and I enjoyed reading it. I did not read the sequel so I have no comment on that   

At the End of the Day by TWDObsessive

Rick catches Lori in bed with Shane. He immediately moves in with his openly gay, best friend from pool league, Daryl Dixon. While Rick tries to get through the impending and eventual divorce, Daryl carries on with his compulsive-dating, going from one guy to the next because none of them are quite right.

Both are determined to never settle down again. Little do they know, they are slowly starting to settle down with each other.

Comments:

What I liked about this one was that Daryl was written as being experienced in the relationship field, which he usually isn’t so it was a nice change of pace

Lost and Found by TWDObsessive

I remember that first day at summer camp like it was yesterday. It was a profound moment in my life even though I was a mere eight years old. It was where I met Daryl in the woods. My parents were concerned that entire school year afterwards, thinking I had an unhealthy imaginary friend. Took me to shrinks and everything.

But just ‘cause the camp counselors said there was no Daryl that didn't mean there was no Daryl. He was there. He watched us from the woods all day alone until a baseball went into the brush and I went after it and found him. He became my best friend. He became everything.

Comments:

This was a cute coming of age story if you want something fluffy

[bibliophileiz]

Things about Supernatural’s last episode

Isn’t it weird how every other b*cklemming episode, we’re like, “It’s not as bad as their last one.” Ringing endorsements all around.

In all honesty, it’s really not a bad episode. I did have to watch it twice to know wtf was going on with the Shidim because I found Asmodeus so hammy and uninteresting that I stopped listening during his dialogue though.

Spoilers under the cut:

Let’s start with Asmodeus: What a letdown after seven seasons of Crowley, who was interesting, sympathetic, clever (when not written by you-know-who), well-developed and played by an exceptional actor. I already said this once, but it would be just like these particular writers to screw up Crowley so much that Mark Sheppard quits and then replace him with Tropey McTroperson.

I rolled my eyes just at Asmodeus’ introduction – nice to know he has access to a smoke machine to make his entrance more dramatic. Remember when Cas made the roof rattle and the lights pop as he strode into the barn the first time we saw him? What about Rafael, who took down power in the eastern seaboard? What about Crowley, who kissed a dude then told the heroes he didn’t care for Lucifer and gave them the Colt. What about Billie, who sang a spiritual about death as she reaped souls?

Then Asmodeus turns out to be scarred, have an outrageous good ole boy Southern accent (that is fake as fuck – my job is to talk to Southerners, and none of them sound like that), wear a stupid white suit, and immediately choke to death a bunch of demons because the “hobbies” Ramiel referenced must have included watching Darth Vader’s scenes in Star Wars over and over. His dialogue is nothing I didn’t hear from Jafar the first time I saw Aladdin, and his evil plan is to become the manipulative adviser to the ruler of Hell. We just won villain stereotype bingo, and we’re only in the first scene of the episode.

It was also a letdown after Azazel, Ramiel, and Dagon … who by the way never shapeshifted. Weren’t they always in vessels? It wouldn’t be the first time this show has retrofitted its own mythology (*coughing all over the angels in Season 9*)

Do I just shrug it off and say these writers are terrible at writing villains and always have been? Not sure I can blame them entirely … if Asmodeus is going to become as big a deal this season as I think, there has to be more than just b*cklemming contributing to the character. It’s a bummer because if this was just a one-episode villain like Ramiel had been, I’d have found it hysterical. Yes, Jack, smite Big Daddy demon on your third day of existence, it’ll be hilarious! But I’m not sure I can take an entire season of this guy, especially if the only other big-time villain we get is Michael.

Speaking of Michael: Ok, if I’m going to get a showdown between the two most powerful archangels ever, I want it to be more than just … a fistfight. It needs to be at least as impressive as Castiel’s introduction in Season 4. I know the show’s special effects budget is limited, but how threatening are your villains really when Dean gets into more impressive brawls like every single episode? Let me see their wings! Let me see them try to smite each other! Let me hear them break glass and make stars go out!!

Jack is a muffin and I love him a lot: Jack was just as good in this episode as he was in the last one. I don’t know where they found Alexander Calvert but I think he was put on earth to play this role. In his first episode, he walks this fine balance between manacing and charmingly innocent. In this episode, the charming innocence is still there, but it’s slowly being clouded by this fear of his power and what it could do if he misuses it – even by accident, as we saw when he tried to free the Shidim. He’s kind of like Cas in that he wants to do the right thing and be heroic like Sam and Dean but isn’t really equipped with the decision-making skills he needs to know when he’s about to make things worse.

The scene between him and Sam in the alley is exceptional. Jared Padalecki nailed it. I loved Sam telling Jack he loved him – that’s not exactly what he said, obviously, but by equating himself with Jack’s parents with the “Your mom thought you were worth it and so did Cas and so do I” line, he basically says that. That’s why I’m much more on board with Sam becoming a parent figure for Jack than Dean. (Also because Dean always gets to be a father figure and Sam never does, but I digress.) It just goes to show b*cklemming can pull off good emotional scenes when they actually put in effort. I’m thinking specifically the two scenes in “All in the Family” when Dean is asking Chuck why he left and the scene right after when Lucifer tells Amara she may defeat God but she will never be him.  

The great Song of Solomon debate: So there’s a thing when you grow up in Sunday School where teachers tell you to open the Bible to the book of Psalms. It’s a big deal when you’re five, because it’s usually the first book in the Bible you can find on purpose – it’s right smack in the middle. But it’s close to Proverbs and Song of Solomon, so while you’re trying to find Pslams, you might first hit one of those other two. (You might also hit Ecclisiastes, but it’s like … two pages long, so probably not.)

All this is to just say I don’t think we should be reading too much into the fact Jack opened to Song of Solomon. Yes, it’s the sexy bit, but it’s also the bit little kids find when they just open the Bible to the middle, which is honestly how I took that scene. If you’re not flipping to a particular spot you’re just opening the Bible to look around like Jack was doing, you have a decent chance of landing on that book.

Also, when the camera pans back, it looks like he’s gone to the beginning to read Genesis.

I don’t know how to take the ending scene: There’s a scene in the first episode of Firefly that’s a lot like this one. If you’re not familiar with that show, it chronicles the adventures of a crew of space smugglers who are hiding fugitives on board their ship. In the scene, the captain, Mal Reynolds, tells one of the fugitives he can stay on board the ship and be their doctor. The fugitive, whose name is Simon, is skeptical because up until this point, Mal thought the fugitives were a danger to the rest of the crew (sound familiar?) and was either going to turn them over to the authorities or maroon them on a hostile planet. Simon asks Mal, “How do I know you won’t just kill me in my sleep?”

Mal says one of my favorite things ever said in a scene on TV: “You don’t know me, son, so I’m only going to say this once. If I ever kill you, you’ll know it, you’ll be facing me, and you’ll be armed.”

What Dean said to Jack kind of reminds me of that, even though the contexts of the two scenes are different. If you need killing, I’m going to make sure these are the circumstances in which it happens. It’s almost noble. There’s this understanding and respect both for killing and the person you’re killing. It’s kind of like Ned Stark says: “A leader who hides behind executioners soon forgets what death is.”

That said … Dean’s anger is misdirected in such a profound way I’m not sure we can put him in the same class as Mal Reynolds or Ned Stark, at least in this scene. He spends the entire episode going out of his way to find things wrong with Jack so that his promise comes across much more as a threat than a comfort to a kid who is terrified of his own abilities.

It also doesn’t help that it’s his response to a suicide attempt – if that’s how we’re supposed to take what Jack did. On the one hand, Jack’s already pulled an angel blade out of his chest, so he knows he’s reasonably immune to most if not all weapons, so he probably knows normal blades aren’t going to kill him. On the other hand, stabbing himself multiple times like that speaks to a desperation and hopelessness that I don’t think you’re going to find in curious experimentation.

I really do like Donatello: I find it amusing that at the end of Season 12, Andrew Dabb opens up this portal to another world, setting the stage to where beloved characters long dead might return, and everyone was like, “Eileen! Charlie! Bobby! Kevin!” and other assorted characters b*cklemming has killed. (I guess they didn’t kill Bobby, but you know what I mean.) And in their first episode, they’re like, “lol, we’re not bringing back Charlie or Eileen, we killed those mutherfuckers, but here, have Donatello.”

That said, Donatello might be like … my second favorite thing b*cklemming’s ever done. I think he’s kind of goofy and Keith Szarabajka does a great job playing him. I did get frustrated with the number of times he referenced being an atheist in his first episode (I’m watching it now and he says it at least four times.) He didn’t do that in this episode, which I was strangely disappointed by, if for no other reason than it made my “Take a shot every time Donatello references being an atheist” post kind of dumb.

Also, Keith Szarabajka did a better job playing Asmodeus than Jeffrey Vincent Parise, as did the actress playing the bartender, though that could just be because neither of them put on the atrocious accent.

Other things: Thing 1: The “make hell great again” joke was only marginally funny the first time and not funny at all the second time. I swear I saw the actor pause and mentally gear himself up to say it. Poor guy.

Thing 2: Donatello: “That’s not Donatello!” Asmodeus-disguised-as-Donatello: (pointing at Donatello) “No, that’s not Donatello!” Me: “That’s not good TV!” B*cklemming: (pointing at Robert Berens’ episodes) “No, that’s not good TV!”

Thing 3: Dean was so fucking hot it was distracting.

Thing 4: Dean got two good fight scenes in a row, between the fight with Miriam last week and the fight with the demon this week. Also, did anyone notice, he had his legs wrapped about the demon’s head and then the demon threw him on the bed? I’m just saying.

Thing 5: All that aside, Dean was a giant super bitch this episode, even to Sam.

Thing 6: “What would Mr. Rogers do?” Guys, I love Donatello even if he is the Jar Jar Binks of this series.

Thing 7: “What are you doing here?” “That’s the question we all must ask, isn’t it?” “What are you doing in Wyoming?”

Thing 8: Jack is so proud of himself for walking through the door. It’s like last week when he was pleased he understood prepositions well enough to explain to Clark that he was on a chair on the floor on the planet Earth.

[some-dude-with-a-cat-blog]

Tagged by @volchitsa-of-winterfell! Rules:  Always post the rules, answer the questions given to you, then write 10 questions of your own, and tag some friends!

1: What grade in school did you hate, and why?

Pretty much all of middle school except parts of eighth grade. Bullying, social anxiety, poor organizational skills, the works.

2: What’s your favorite sound?  Describe it in as much detail as you can.

Pressing my ear to a purring kitty’s side is one of the most pleasant things I can imagine. My giant kitty’s purr is such a nice, deep, husky rumble that never fails to make me smile.

3: Who do you want to be? Not what, as in occupation or title, but who - what kind of person.

I hope to be as honest, trustworthy, and empathetic a person as I can.

4: Do the people you have feelings for know that you do?  Why or why not?

I should hope so, seeing as we’ve been dating since April.

5: What video or vine makes you laugh no matter what?  Please share links if you can.

Never Gonna Hit Those Notes!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXMskKTw3Bc

6:  If your parents knew everything you’ve ever done, what would they think is the worst?

Nothing I feel comfortable mentioning on social media.

7: What occupations did you want to be when you were a kid?  

Paleontologist.

8: What makes you feel most alive?

Hiking in the Colorado Rockies or walking the St. Olaf Natural Lands in any season but the summer.

9: Do you like your name, and why?  If not, is there another name you think would fit better, and why?

Sure, it works. I can’t complain.

10: Who’s your go-to Person (or people) when you just need to talk to someone?

My sister, my girlfriend, my mom, my two best friends from high school.

I tag @fleur-bailius, @el-avocado, @sami-olive, @zeldakitten, @bythegardengate, @widowofwaterfront, @cosplaycaroline, @fuliajulia

My questions for you:

1: What book has had the most profound impact on how you think of yourself and interact with the world?

2: If you could choose exactly how, when, and where you would die (other than self-inflicted, of course), what would you choose?

3: What color scheme bests characterizes your soul?

4: What is your biggest guilty pleasure movie/show?

5: Biggest guilty pleasure song/artist/group?

6: What terrible historical figure do you find the most odiously attractive?

7: If you had to punch your favorite musician or your favorite historical figure in the face, which would you punch?

8: If you had to learn one fictional language and live in the world for which it was created, which language would you learn?

9: What language do you wish there were more resources for learning?

10: Whose name would you get tattooed on your body, and where?

[ookamitsu]

50 more interesting questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

tagged by @acrispyapple​ this was very long 

1. What kind of food can’t you stand? really spicy food, tho recently i’ve been getting better at handling spices. Also food that has cauliflower or cilantro

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick? I’d love it if my fish tanks could magically clean themselves and feed the fish, that’d be great

3. Have you got any useless talents? is not being affected by the caffeine in coffee a talent? 

4. If you were really really good at one thing, what would it be? Probably drawing. I have soo many ideas but hardly any artistic talent lol. 

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking gdragon and top from bigbang

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid? I wasn’t allowed to go outside really when I was younger so all I did was read books, watch tv, rewatch disney movies and harry potter movies over and over. 

7. What is something you’re proud of? eh, I don’t think i’ve done anything worth being proud about yet...ask me again when I have a career

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate? I hate when people don’t have proper manners, it’s so annoying. 

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower? oh a follower for sure. I am but a humble, shy sheep~ leading requires effort lol and it just isn’t interesting for me. Although, if i’m forced into a leadership position I’ll do well, it’s just that I do want to do it. 

10. What kind of student are/were you? a pretty good kiddo. Never gto into trouble, and besides my ap physics grade back in junior year I never had low grades. Had to stay in tip top shape academically in order to get anything I wanted and not be disowned by my mom lol. 

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life? eh I don’t really think so but maybe

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion SPIDERS, they’re the devil’s animal haha. so that and most most insects ughhh 

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable? hmmm...maybe the mc from kiss him, not me? She’s into weeb shit, I’m into weeb shit. She likes yaoi, I like yaoi lol but she is way more into it than I will ever be. Also she’s surrounded by hot guys, which I am not and that is the ultimate tragedy. 

kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties? I’m still underage so i dunno. Ask me again in January when my bff turns 21, I’ll let you know. At parties I’m super awkward so I’ll either just stand around looking really awkward or follow my friends around. 

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone? it’ll take a loooong while. I don’t trust guys (or most people). you can’t unlock my tragic backstory that easily if  you date me. 

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends? one. I love having close bonds with people because then I won’t feel lonely. Also who needs that many friends. 

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak? I like to have things clean for the most part. Though I might get really lazy and just throw things down and not put them away for a few hours lol. Also my desk can get pretty messy sometimes and becomes a sort of organized chaos, but I’ll always fix it anyway since the mess will eventually bother me. 

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy. Somewhere where the weather isn’t terribly hot or cold in their respective seasons and is overcast  most of the time. Or Loches, France. I freaking love that place it’s really nice.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday? I’d love to have kids, at least 3. 

20. What was your favorite book as a child? I used to read the goosebumps and fear street series a lot. Also harry potter, a series of unfortunate events and the chronicles of narnia (Though fo some reason I couldn’t remember the books in that series at all but luckily @acrispyapple​ told me to reread it and now I have renewed love for it) 

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about yeah fidget spinners are pretty dumb and I see them wherever I go. 

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated learning how to type properly? I think a lot of people barely know how to type and it upsets me to no end. I hate when people finger peck at the keys, they’re so slow.

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose? hmm, maybe natsume takashi from natsume yuujinchou. Mostly becuase I really like him. Also being attached to him means I can cuddle nyanko-senesei. Or Nikkari Aoe from touken ranbu because I love him too. 

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday? travel all over! 

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat? I don’t like confrontation so I keep my mouth shut usually. 

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in? hmm, not sure

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for? *war flashbacks of being emo*

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable? I admire people who can speak their minds without fear, of course they also have to have tact. Also the kind of people who are so good at leading that you’ll naturally want to follow them.

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.) people like to give me things with cats bc cat’s are God’s greatest gift to humanity. I appreciate money just a little more though lol. 

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones? Yup. English, French, and Japanese. I really want to learn Korean, German and Spanish but I usually spend half of my free time on continuing japanese studies so we’ll see. 

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside? Neither. I like the suburbs. Either that or smaller cities at least. 

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving? sarada uchiha. When I first saw her at the end of naruto i kinda automaically hated her because I hate sakura. But ever since gaiden and the boruto movie I saw her personality and realized that I lover her haha. So whenever I see her in a boruto ep I’m pretty happy. 

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else? nope, I get so uncomfortable. I’m happy enough to not be noticed. 

34. Favorite holiday? Christmas! I’m so obnoxious about it haha. I love singing Christmas songs and I’ll gladly sing along to the Christmas music that plays in stores and stuff. 

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously? a bit of both. For the most part I’m go with the flow but for most important things that happens outside of home life having some kind of plan is logical and for the best .

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.) the dragon age series and mass effect series. 

37. What hobbies do you have? reading, running this crap blog, doodling, studying, video games

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have? the ability to make things clean themselves. 

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you I’m super lazy! I give off the impression that i would never ever be lazy which is just a lie lmao. That doesn’t mean I won’t do the work that I have to do. One can’t be remiss about those things you know, you’ll set yourself up for failure that way. I just hate wasting energy  

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out  I can’t work @cyniccat​‘s sewing machine properly for the life of me.

41. Worst injury you’ve had? I accidentally ripped the skin off of one of my toes with a door. 

42. Any morbid fascinations? idk

43. Describe your sense of humor eh idk, I like sarcasm since I have such rapier wit. I also love really lame jokes lol. but I usually find most things 

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose? well I wouldn’t want to live in another era because they weren’t such fun times for poc’s. But If I could live in another place, I’d rather live in either Canada or France. Maybe Japan. 

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at I can’t summarize that well without rambling. 

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through school. Even though it made my cry and my workload stressed me out I met my best friends there and more importantly I got an education. 

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.) I don’t want a tattoo ever, so the ugly one but like what’s so offensive about it??

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist? for a pessimist i’m pretty optimistic 

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you? “you fight good”. uh i’m not sure. I don’t take compliments well so even if it was the most flattering thing I probably wouldn’t believe whoever said it and just awkwardly laugh and say thanks. 

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you hmm people who don’t know me think I like talking irl. I’m more of a listener. 

i’m only tagging two people bc I like to see them suffer with me but this is open to anyone who wants to do it

@krazy19kat @dicksoutforzarkon

[raisingsupergirl]

Diversity Breeds Productivity

Okay. Despite the boring title, this is a super interesting blog post. Trust me. Mostly because I wasn't expecting to write it, and spontaneity is always fun. Like when you and your friends get the itch to drive five hours to Chicago in the middle of the night, and then only stay for two hours before you turn around and come home because you didn't tell your parents… Not that I ever did that in high school. But hypothetically, that's a fun story, right? It sure beats getting the idea, talking about doing it, and then just going to bed. But while not all spontaneity has to be that extreme, it pretty much always yields better results than forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do. And I was reminded of that in a big way this weekend.

Have you ever gone through an entire week making mental preparations to clean out your closet over the weekend, and then when Saturday morning came, you just… didn't? Despite all of your plans and mental pep talks, when the time came, you just didn't have the motivation. So instead, you procrastinated. You defended your politics on Facebook, posted selfies of your super-happy life on Instagram, and whined about your procrastination on Twitter. You binge-watched three seasons of The Office while you binge-ate chocolate chips (you didn't have time to actually make chocolate-chip cookies because you were going to start cleaning your closet any minute). And then the weekend was gone, and Monday came with regret and frustration. You couldn't, for the life of you, figure out why you hadn't cleaned out the dang closet.

Well, that was me yesterday (Friday). All week I'd planned to really tear into edits on a book I'm writing. I had all the reader feedback. I'd made a list. And I'd carved out time. But when I woke up Friday morning (I'm off work on Fridays)… I went and got my haircut. And then I worked out. And then I cleaned up my fish tank for a couple of hours. And then I researched a new health insurance for my family (Christian HealthShare Ministries. I'll probably blog about that in the future). And then I ordered Imo's Pizza. And then I watched Ralph Wrecks the Internet with said family. And then I watched Creed 2 with a friend. And then I went to bed. 

And then I woke up this morning, ready to start edits! But I just… couldn't. Instead, I worked out, and then I showered. And in the shower, my mind started wandering. First, I was really psyched up about the LED light I have in my aquarium (it has all these color pre-sets to simulate different seasons and weather, and some fine-tuning could fix my algae problem, and… sorry. Nerd alert), and then I was really psyched up about making some YouTube videos for my magazine (GoHavok.com) and my work as a physical therapist. So much so that there was no way I could have forced myself to sit down and do effective edits on a science fiction story. My mind was just miles away from it. So I had a few options: 1) I could sit down and do some maddeningly sub-par edits on said science fiction story, 2) I could procrastinate until the muse struck and I could begin productive edits (i.e. waste the whole weekend), or I could 3) dig into the things that excited me at the moment.

So after a little deliberation, I went with option three. I started outlining YouTube videos and brainstorming what tactics usually worked on social media. Then I started researching aquarium stuff to figure out how to beat my algae problem by adjusting my LED light. Neither of these things got me a second closer to finishing my book (which is arguably the most time-sensitive thing in my life right now), but I did kick butt at them. I was productive. The outcome made me happy. And I even had time to sit down and write my blog for this week, which… wasn't anything close to what I was planning on writing.

You see, I was all ready to explain and explore life as a father of two emotional little girls. My oldest has had a week of crocodile tears and uncontrollable breakdowns. It was going to be a great blog post. But then my Muse threw a curveball. And you know the best thing about having your own blog? You get to write about whatever dang thang you want. Sure, all the professionals will tell you to "stay in your lane" if you want to develop a big following and be uber famous. Good thing that's not my goal at the moment. Sometimes my posts blow up. I get a couple thousand views and whatnot. But mostly I write for my family, my friends, and my future self. A public journal, if you will. 

And this week, I was reminded of the value of diversifying my portfolio, so to speak. If a person focuses on ONE thing all the time, there will be moments or months where that thing bores them to tears, and their life will be miserable and uninspired, and their work will suffer for it. But if you find a handful of meaningful things that you love (for me, it's religion/mindful living, family, physical therapy/health, writing/editing/entertaining, and at the moment, fishkeeping), it doesn't matter what mood you're in. You will always be able to find something productive to do. And you'll enjoy it. And at the end of each year, you'll be able to point back to the things you did that mattered.

Not that binge-watching The Office doesn't matter, per se. But when I'm on my death bed, I want to depart with something more profound than, "That's what she said."