#i wish i could have had some connection to these cultures but i just dont because nobody inherited any of that knowledge

[apho-sappho]

--

[ouroboobos]

being american is sucks as hell. it genuinely pains me to think about the customs and language i could have grown up with if my family had stayed in ireland or scotland or norway however many generations ago. and it really bothers me to consider what the evolution was like for my family from whatever they were before to what they are now. like were they always this bad, or is it partly the result of growing up in a conservative american environment?

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

I can completely break down the notion that jews do not experience ethnic discrimination within western countries, specifically the USA.

for context I am genetically half jewish and half italian, and since I was born i have been more connected to judaism in a cultural and a religious sense. though its not a huge part of my life like judaism is it's definitely still important.

a lot of people like to argue that jews were once not seen as white and now we are, just like Italians, Greeks, Irish, etc were (at least in the USA) and I can confirm that's total bullshit. I have, not once in my life, been treated badly for being Italian. I have never had someone shame me for my appearance, make fun of my cultural food, threaten me, insult me, insult my father, say they wish I died, harassed me, or any other violent or demeaning acts because im Italian. not once in my entire life has that happened. even living in the rural USA where traditional white supremacy is alive and well that did not happen.

yet I have absolutely been harassed, verbally abused, demeaned, belittled, etc. for being jewish. Ive experienced antisemitism since I was 5 and possibly younger. ive heard holocaust jokes, nose/eye jokes, had swastikas drawn on my things, received death threats, gotten rape threats, been called a murderer, been told I should burn, was told I was poisoning the seas, had people deny my very real trauma, was told that I should've stayed dead (for context I overdosed and had to be resuscitated once), and many more things all because im jewish. these are just instances in which it was specifically mentioned or heavily heavily implied that its because im jewish.

Many of these things happened when theae people didn't even know I'm a practicing jew and some even when I stopped practicing for a couple years. a lot of the time the only reason they had to believe I was jewish was my appearance and yeah sure they were right but what it shows is that appearance alone is enough for people to be antisemitic. you know, if jews weren't ethnically discriminated then why do people target us for having things like large noses and curly hair? or for the foods that we eat? or for anything that isnt directly related to religious practices?

anyway I dont believe for a second that anyone who thinks jews dont experience ethnic discrimination in the USA has ever had a genuine conversation with a jew about antisemitism. 5 year old me did not deserve to feel like he was ugly all for some assholes to say that jews are making all this up.

☆this is part 2 in which I will add important context bc if anyone is gonna overanalyze my argument its me. u can read it if you want its not necessary to understand the post.

like I said I have spent most of my life in rural areas where there are many less jews than in big cities and obvious white supremacy is common. im 100% sure this affected a lot of the antisemitism i received.

I am sephardic, not ashkenazi. most goyim do not have a clue what this means. those who do generally think it means "jewish but spicier and more exotic (aka less american)" which could have contributed to some of the discrimination i faced for not being seen as American enough.

this is my experience not anyone else's! I am not discrediting what other people have gone though regarding any experiences with discrimination

[pumpkinsy0]

I think a lot about a Mexican American Dallas Winston. But specifically a Dallas who’s a stranger to his culture. His mother trying hard to forget about her heritage, while his father is indifferent to it due to the heartache it brought on after moving to the states. A Dallas who learned to hate school at ten years old, who wasn’t put into advance classes like Ponyboy. But rather he got stuck in lower level classes by teachers who took one look at the color of his skin and decided that’s where he needed to be.

A Dallas Winston who is such a stranger to his culture that he can’t even speak basic Spanish but still ends up getting called all sorts of names by people just passing by him. A Dallas Winston Who isn’t seen as conventionally attractive by girls because his skin is too dark and his eyes too brown. Unlike Sodapop’s whose hair is golden and straight ,or even Darrell Curtis who embodies the idea of the All American Boy. Who ends up staring at himself in the mirror for longer than needed, and briefly wishes his features matched their’s.

A Dallas who is too white for some of the greasers who were raised in Spanish speaking households. Who even gets made fun of for it at times. But yet on the opposite side of that coin is seen as too Mexican in the eyes of soc’s and law enforcement alike. A Dallas Winston who’s an outsider amongst outsiders even when he’s with the gang.Who’s yearned for more in life but has given up hoping and instead becomes more and more angry at the world. A Mexican American Dallas Winston who can’t help but envy the Shepard’s because while they don’t have much in this world they have each other as a support system.

Anyway sorry to Yap but..yeah I’ve been thinking about him a lot..especially since I think Dallas being a POC adds more layers to his story.

nonono dont apologize,,,this was a banger,,,i love this sm,,,

i think mexican dallas is actually very interesting!!!!im adding him to my dallas winston multiverse

AND AND!!! i think it could add onto that bond both dally and johnny has!!!!id say johnny being mexican is like, one of the popular hcs for johnny its like he literally SEES himself in johnny, they have the same dark eyes, same hair, kind of the same nose, he literally sees johnny as his little brother/himself and he cant help but attach himself to him

on the other side of the spectrum however, if we wanna go w canon dallas looks, i think him having the blond hair, pale ass skin, basically him just, whitepassing, could exacerbate that feeling of being an outsider looking in!!! he WANTS to b closer to his culture but bc he has the “privilege” of passing as white and he sees the things people who dont look like him go through, he doesnt want to face that and make things harder for himself so hes just forced to stay ignorant to his culture, and acts indifferent to it

bonus points if johnny is at least somewhat connected to his culture so now dallas and him r like complete opposites and dally doesnt say anything but he does think about that a bit

i stg i had more thoughts about this but inforgot but just know mexican dallas ur in my thoughts forever now,,,thank u anon,,

[our-aroace-experience]

i think i sent an ask a bit ago and i dont remember what i wrote but ive had time to sit on these feelings so i wanna elaborate them better.

my (oriented) aroace experience, is confusing. craving intimacy and affection and a relationship purely for the emotional connection and acceptance part, because i know its something i personally could never get out of a friendship -my feelings are way too much for that (and before people start commenting about norms or internalized whatever, this isnt about you and this is extremely simplified.) . but everything else about romance making me feel really uncomfortable. the whole amatonormative culture and expectations put on you, dates, casual stuff and peoples perceptions of you changing just squicks me out personally. like, i crave "that" relationship because there i know someone wants me the way i want them. and i call it romantic for conveinences sake but when i look at the way other people describe it and behave with it and it hardly feels like thats what it is. its amazing how long ive been aromantic but am still discovering more about how romance works for me. but god, i wish so badly there was more space for us who have trauma with romance and intimacy that makes it wildly confusing. because in all my years of being in and out of the community i feel like im the only one. which isnt true but sure feels like it.

you’re definitely not alone, though i completely understand why it feels like that. amanormativity can be super difficult to deal with when you don’t fit into it’s neat categories of relationships. hopefully you can find some others who relate to your experiences, maybe even from this post!

[the-s1lly-corner]

okay here we go (I added in images to characters you might not know)

Mild crushes:

Brassius (left) and Hassel (right)

Larry

Lord Milori (still kinda like him)

Sir Pentious and Lucifer

Used to take over my life:

Grillby

Gaster

Brett Hand

Lukas

Mordecai Heller

Kinger

Adam (most recent)

ALREADY HAS ME DEAD DJJSKX:

Clopin

I used to like him before back in January, but after listening to the soundtrack of this movie again, I frickin fell in LOVE

The obsession got so bad that I’m now researching Romani history and culture, watching those “the making of (movie name)” videos, interviews (which there are SO FEW OF) of the VAs or Alan Menken, the composer of the soundtrack

I want to know everything when I like a character lol

I actually have more, but it already feels weirdly personal to confess some of them so thank god that this is the silly corner :]

SCARED TO SEND IN BUT HERE WE GO

Mo need to fear this is a no judgement zone! Also I lost my right to judge people when I wrote mpreg a few weeks ago/lh

Rubs hands

The first two!! Obligatory "I've never gotten too deep into pokemon and the only game I've played start to finish is shield, and I'm like. Partway through brilliant diamond" soooooo! I know nothing about the personalities of these two so we're going off of looks!! And I say!

Valid!

Brassius gives off either old and exhausted punk or old exhausted gay artist but those two can overlap!

Hassel Looks yummy I love me a good longhaired blonde man AND he looks a little on the older side? YUMMY!!! He looks like he'd either he a grade A douchebag rich guy or a total sweetheart

Larry! Hey I know you I saw your dick on Twitter!!!/ref mo but real talk I can get the appeal! I already know that's hes a tired working man but that's about all I know!! Hes valid, I'd give him a big ol kith

Milori looks interesting! I don't know wheres hes from so once more we rely off of looks! He looks vaguely like a broken man . I can fix him. Valid!!!

Pentious is valid but I'm biased because I also had a crush on the character!! Pathetic men are just so silly!! Probably also has my favorite design of the entire show!!

Lucifer is also valid I can see the vision!! Caring but mentally I'll man who distances himself for one reason or another despite deeply wanting a connection my BELOVED

Grillby also had a choke hold on me when I was into undertale!! I'm so sad that there werent many grillby x reader fics out there- if I was still balls deep into undertale and deltarune like I used to be I'd 100% give writing the characters a shot but unfortunately I doubt I ever will <\3 unrelated theres a surprising amount of buff bara art of him

Gaster!! I can also get behind!! Mysterious creature that hardly has any lore iirc, fandom either portrayed him as a mad evil scientist or a loving father to sans and papyrus, at least with my experience with the fandom.. valid!!

I never watched inside job but I've heard good things about it! Brett looks like a sweetie, so I can understand the appeal! He looks so silly.. just a guy.. valid

Lukas!! It's been so long since I've heard someone talk about MCSM! Obligatory I dont remember much of Lukas, just that he was kind of an ass in the beginning I think.. but I can see the appeal! I was more of a ivor girlie

Surprisingly I have not seen lackadaisy yet! Surprising I know, since I'm huge fans of other indie animations on youtube!! Going off looks I can see the appeal, he gives old grumpy grandpa vibes but I could be totally off! I like his eyebrows :3

Kinger is another valid but again I might be biased because hes my baby girl- cant wait to see more of him in future episodes especially since hes hardly had any screen time so far <\3 he seems so sweet :(

Adam!! I can see the appeal again but his personality isnt really for me <\3 hes valid though!!

AND CLOPIN! It's been so so so long since I've seen the movies but omfg I remember I loved him a lot! Yummy design as well as a nice personality I wish we got more of him <\3 VALID VALID VALID

[iceglade]

wuk lamat could only have ever been a trans catgirl btw

1.4k words (sorry), dawntrail level 100 spoilers:

thats like the whole point when the dawntrail final arc antagonists are examinations/deconstructions the traditional gender roles. btw.

consider where mamook is in the story. consider who gulool ja ja is to tural.

ive been workshopping an essay about how a few of dawntrail's themes are connected, i think theres an in depth conversation that can be had...

95-100 cannot be separated from the cultural context that came before it , regarding the spirituality of Living Memory, sure, but also regarding legacy and filling the legendary gulool ja ja's shoes™ with mamook being where it is as the lid on a jar that was being filled the entire time to complete a jar mini ecosystem before we crack it open 30 years later in heritage found to see whats grown inside.

dawntrail doesnt go into sexism but it does go into racism, it does go into the psyche of the people who IN REAL WORLD TERMS want rich white men to be the ruling class and the people who arent traditional men who still support that concept. its all connected

like the WHOLE FIRST HALF OF THE GAME WAS ABOUT THE SECOND HALF OF THE GAME AND VICE VERSA GO BACK AND REPLAY THE FIRST PART PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. you NEED to learn about your culture and your traditions and your history and you NEED to embrace change and growth and outsider perspectives DO NOT TOSS ONE OUT FOR THE OTHER. THEY NEED TO WORK TOGETHER TO FILL THE IDEAL, REAL OR NOT, THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO FUFILL.

MAMOOK LEFT AN IMPRESSION ON ME and the solution presented was learn about one another. understand one another. know their problems. offer and accept help from outside perspectives and grow. which while neither perfect nor fully realized is a lot more than ive ever seen a video game do ever lol. history of war, lack of sunlight, difficulty with getting food, self inflicted self perpetuating community trauma, shunning outsiders, clinging to a status quo so toxic that its actively killing both adults and children - all of these are deeply, undeniably connected.

so.

i grew up in the south.. y'all know how it is!! in some places its BAD down here!!

BUILDING FROM THAT,

IMAGINE YOU LEARNED ALL THOSE LESSONS.

heritage found says okay, we did that. we listened to each other, we learned. we improved. and we did not force this growth upon anyone who didnt want it. we DIDNT abandon our culture or tradition. and STILL our problems persist!! people still die and to keep them alive we have to remember them but it hurts. it still hurts to mourn them. we are still haunted by our past and the burdens we inherited

THIS PLOT IS SOOOO STEEPED IN REAL WORLD CULTURAL PHENOMENON. BTW. THE SENSITIVITY READERS ARE OWED A CUT OUT OF EVERY DOLLAR SQUENIX GETS OFF OF THIS FOR THE REST OF TIME. AAGHH

CAUSE THIS COULDVE BEEN SO BAAADDDD , AND INSTEAD, I LOVVEEEED IT

idk...!!!!! i love living memory as an escalation of the idea that if they're remembered they never really die, but it hurts to remember. (GO BACK AND HANG OUT WITH THE YOK HUY RIGHT NOWWW) this is something real world people live by. was talking abt this with some friends and one of them mentioned living memory's color scheme "being the same orange being associated with ofrendas" in the same conversation where we were just. absorbing how deeply horrifying uploading your loved ones' memory to the cloud os (the wording used was, "the excision of memories of the dead"). one youtube comment said its like playing records of the dead and imagining they're alive again. i am haunted by erenville and graha - "i dont wish they were here again, i just wish they never died"

living memory is "if they're remembered they never really die" twisted to its illogical extreme.

the weight of that spirituality is no mistake. and shutting it down because is SUCH an ethically devastating thing to have to do even on top of your friends' parents passing on and you thinking the place was idk pretty or something (cause it rlly was) what the fuck what the fuuck

theres so much in this expansion about learning about and respecting other cultures and offering aid when its hurting others and themselves

which like makes me nervous for the patch quests btw because we need to talk about, that, vs , this is how we honor our dead

we had to shut it down because it was an active threat and was going to go nuclear but that was how they honored their dead

but i do trust this story. so i look forward to it.

all this to say i think it would be a misstep to have us go "hey dont do the soul thing do this instead". just as much as it would have been a HUGE misstep to have us be the protagonist of this expansion instead of lamat'yi.

AND FOR THE RECORD WUK HAD TO BE THE PROTAGONIST OF DAWNTRAIL FOR THIS REASON. I STAND BY THAT.

fuuuck, flaws and all, i love this game.

i have more to say about sphene and zoraal ja hold on this is all relevant to the original premise trust me.

SO YEAH.

but yeah its no surprise that

1. sphene, a traditionally feminine uwu perfect angel princess queen of REASON

2. (erenville voice) Zoraal Ja, The Warmongerer, Mine Is The Power Mine Is The Path, I Must Surpass My Man-The-Textbooks-Teach-About Father burnt out gifted oldest child king of RESOLVE

are DIRECTLY IN OPPOSITION to

1. wuk lamat, catgirl naruto young and dumb shonen protagonist with a big heart and an open mind warrior princess vow of RESOLVE

2. and koana, emotionally reserved well-studied STEM club vp advanced placement poly catboy vow of REASON

there are people who do not fit the stereotype who are suffering trying to achieve it who want it to end, and then there are people who Double Down.

regarding everyone who lives in tuliyollal and the extremely diverse area of tural, it cannot be stressed enough how Gulool Ja Ja is the guy they write the textbooks about. he is the perfect adventurer who traveled the world and united the people. in the context of the story he is the man on the cover of the fantasy novel ripped shirt rippling abs two swords and all. imagine being his gifted full of potential son ON TOP OF how insane being an oldest child makes you PLUS The War thats why zoraal ja is like that.

i love love love sphene. sphene is using zoraal ja. shes based off of the ideal of the sweet beloved disney princess/queen. she was using his agency like a weapon and her lack of agency as a shield and when he turned against her own people , which he said very clearly that he would do, wuk tells her that she needs to actually help the people she loves and do what she can do, and she interprets that from there - it just so happens that "true to herself" puts her in direct opposition to the person who was encouraging her to be that way.

for the homestuck fans shes a muse and hes a lord IM BEGGING YOU DONT CLICK OUT PLEASE LET ME FINISH MY SENTA

WUK AND KOANA WILL NOT FILL THE SHOES OF THE IDEAL MAN LEADER IN THE EYES OF THOSE WHO WANT A MORE TRADITIONAL LEADER UNTIL THEY MARCH UPON THEIR CASTLE AND STRIKE THEM DOWN WITH THE SAME HATRED THAT THEY STRUCK THE PAST GENERATION DOWN, zoraal ja says, in no uncertain terms

and zoraal ja is wrong.

they repel the second attack on tuliyollal because they ask for help. wuk DOES get a good hit on zoraal ja in heritage found. and zoraal ja throws away the ultimatum he himself delivered by throwing away his army, kidnapping his son, overdosing on aether, and leaving the moment its clear that brute force is not going to take wuk lamat's community away from her.

and sphene cant use him as an excuse anymore.

sphene was programmed to do ANYTHING to accomplish an infinitely increasingly difficult goal. she who cursed me with this soft and powerless nature. my desire to protect my people transcends all others. is there no way to make peace with tuliyollal? if it were you, could you have found a better way? i cant bear to lose them - not again!

there will only ever be more dead, forever.

i rlly want to go into that but its a completely separate topic for another time i just.. love these characters. i love what theyve done with this place.

but no parts 1 and 2 are the same part. dont discard tradition, dont reject innovation. wuk lamat put it best

@ bakool ja ja

@ sphene

what do YOU want? beyond the stereotype your community wanted you to fill?

[eucalyptus-lesbian]

Thinking about a post I just read about how with the national housing shortage we are all having to learn to adapt to a less individualized housing system to a more multi generational communal housing system out of necessity. Obvi among lot of other countries & cultures people live with their families for many years into adulthood if not their whole lives and theres nothing “wrong” with thinking differently in america about multigenerational households, like its whatever works for people and there can be many benefits to having that much connectivity: less isolation, more financial help (possibly) more sharing of household labor and resources etc. its just hard to think about as a gay woman sometimes because, its also like, living with my family was like. Killing me when I was 21 and under (which was when I lived with parents before I moved in with Leigh at 22). Im 30 now and I sometimes think about the version of me who had to live under my semi evangelical parents roof as someone who has been Out since 16 and how much of a burden it was on me emotionally spiritually and in my dating life too! Was I financially prepared to leave their house at 22 without a degree and only coffee jobs on my resume? No but I had no choice. My dad is insane and I needed to live authentically and I needed to make my little queer life before I too lost my grip on who I was and the future I wanted for myself.

I dont wish that any queer kids feel themselves forced out of living with their parents for their mental well being but its definitely luck that some people are able to make cohabitating with their relatives work. Sometimes the benefits dont outweight the cost (your sanity, devolving into a depressive state via your dads daily homophobic & conservative rants in my case lol). I found myself having to choose at 21 between living in a constant state of fear at home (which made me avoid being home as much as I could) or being broke living below the poverty line but being mentally free finally. It was so hard but it was the right choice for me. I just wish for other queer kids & young adults that fewer and fewer of them HAVE to make that choice in the future. We need more housing options period to make it more affordable and also because communal family living is UNSAFE for many people in our community and does actual harm to us. Its not always an option for people

[lekonai]

culture; religion.

i sit, reflecting upon the secret i told to my cousin. all i told him was that i had struggled with religion, and that i didnt wanna be [religion], you know?

it wasnt even the first time i had told him, yet he's such a dick about it.

i just wish i hadnt messaged him late that one night and let it slip, i forgot how hard he dickrides it, its admirable how much someone is connected to a religion, but at the same time it creates insufferable people, as with everything.

i wish he wasnt one of them, his daddy issues is so apparent, his need for attention and his struggle with his own emotion, thats my uncle that is, and its annoying to know how disconnected he is from his own son.

and thats my closest cousin, he's younger than me yet speaks to me like im about to run him down in a back alley, the one id have imagined i could tell him anything, but his situation with himself is dire, and he struggles so much he made my secret into some issue of his own, telling me i fucked him over?

he tells me ive changed solely due to this fact but in the 7 years of which ive been back and forth, there is nothing about religion that has particularly defined my character, he is constantly frustrated, and any day which he sends me a chat on sc is the day my heart drops because god forbid he's cussing me out again because no way am i retaliating against my little cousin.

i was raised as [religion], i didnt choose to be a part of it, i was merely taught. and i guess i wasnt taught well enough, why is it that, despite being the golden child of this generation on both sides of the family, i am everything my family doesn't want me to be, why is it that religion matters so much to them, and that i could be facing exile or disconnect from half my family merely because i dont want to be [religion]?

then theres also the part where i like men too, i guess thats another thing thatll make me unlikeable.

born in a secular country, expected to stay in the echo chamber that is [religion]. it wont work for me im afraid, and you cant be sad that i didnt turn out the way you wanted me to be.

and my dearest cousin, i dont want to see you if this is what you are. i miss the self where you were whimsical, but the words you use now are without point, and with only value of hurt. you have issues to consult, and im not gonna help you because i couldnt give half a shit after all what youve said, YOU were meant to be there for me, and the moment i say one thing you decide to hate me?

how am i different...

i am me, not a reflection of what you wanted to be.

[carli-meows]

my favourite thing about my stories (and what little is written so i better get on that)

is that there are a select few characters who have justified "god complexes" (i have to look into if that's the right term i mean)

VehkTeeri and the entirety of the Yalíe family are very certain they themselves are gods of the world they live in, due to them having met me

i self inserted and had a little fanfiction in my head and after deciding that no one would take me serious if i walked up to one of my OC's and go "it's me your god" they would laugh my ass away

Every single Yalíe believes they are the bringers of mischief as a necessity in a drab world, which isn't true since the world ive created is fuckin stupidly filled with plot holes and undiscovered cultures, but they did inadvertently (oh god please) create the Scurra (The one's responsible for bringing all 3 races of Jyezter together and also saved the world those 2 times) and The Enlightened (The two entities responsible for guiding Yalíes to their destiny, wherever that may be (ex: Caliko Jack, Queen with the Biggest Cock).

Given, they're pretty cocky about their existence, one of them is literally a cowboy spider at one point and acts like they're the fuckin whip. they're fun.

VehkTeeri has connections to 4 different bloods and has been cursed by the Gladiator Black Hole, part Cloune, part Myme, part Lizard, and part Time Lord. She believes her destiny will come to her, and it's only a matter of time, which, yeah, that's partly true.

Given, she also is very burnt out from the whole "every family ive ever been apart of is lost, they're not dead i just keep shifting through time and ending up on the other ends of universes" thing, which is why she's EXTREMELY pissed off during her time with the Deranged Myme Crewe, she's tired of losing the ones she loves, she's tired of people who dont take these moments seriously, she's tired of having people pull up and not take HER seriously. she's fun.

I love how no matter how much i try to create a world where nobody has anything super serious life ruiningly bad to complain about, I create characters who are extremely bitter and constantly miffed at the world. like we all know a motherfucker who will walk in a room on your day off chilling enjoying the day and just go "DAMN MAN FUCK" for no goddamned reason, you ask em whats wrong, bam, some shit they could've fixed moments ago. but you're a decent fuckin homie, and you know venting is important.

I love what I've found out about myself in every character i created, I love GizMoe for how little he cares about image, it's all about being there for those you love. his show your strength though your glare and only soften it to the ones you care for kinda shit. I love Davvy, for her "go with it, laugh through it, and make it to the next one" attitude, she lives everyday to keep her life relaxing and interesting no matter what. she's unable to be intimidated, and only persuaded.

i love my creations, I wish i could be immortal for that only and literally nothing else.

i dont want to live forever, but god damn it i want to keep creating.

[lemonsknees]

so i grew up in a household with a lot of questionable stuff. And sometime i wondered why none of the adults in my life ever did anything about it. I'm a teacher now and i made a decision to make a report today, and i kinda wanted to talk about it, for myself but also for anybody else who ever wondered for themselves. So uh, yeah.

Firstly i didn't know what i was doing, i still really dont, I'm an after school teacher for community education and camps and stuff, not a mandatory reporter, no hipa forms or experience with em, but all the same Ill keep this anonymous. This account isn't really connected with people who know me irl anyways

This was the first day I'd ever met this kid. And i could tell right away something was wrong. At first i thought it was just some regular misbehavior, testing limits and exploring cultural taboos. Its a drawing class and the kids drawing chainsaws, i see no issue, plenty of kids wanna draw weapons they see in video games and tv. He's loud and unkind to the other kids, i try to move passed it. Maybe he's having a hard time or having some social development delays. One of the assistants to the camp directors came to check in and my trouble maker started growling and circling him. Not great. But kids are kids. I'm just trying to facilitate everyone having a good time. He hits some of the other kids and i get after him. My best "teacher" voice. Some royal We statements, the sorts of things you learn to do when kids are misbehaving. He's just unresponsive to it. And honestly it's all still pretty normal. But then he starts talking about things that happen at home. Things that are abuse. Things that make your stomach drop.

In my own life and childhood my family drilled in my head the script for child protective services. The horror stories about abusive foster families. My area was low income and so they were always poking around, every now and again someone would get scooped up and out of town. People would make fake reports on their neighbors kids for revenge on other feuds and petty arguments. I was terrified of CPS. They were the boogieman. They were kidnappers.

But now I'm an adult.

The woman on the phone was nice. I didn't know what to do, the camp director helped me fill out the report and communicate with the service woman. Getting the information they needed.

I told her everything the child had said. Including physical abuse and neglect. As well as the additional signs of abuse surrounding it.

And what i learned: They need every piece of information that you can give.

And they need proof. Or at least reason to believe they'll be able to get it

They need a cooperative child. Willing to repeat themselves in a more serious context then simple classroom bravado.

I spent my adult life wondering why none of the adults in my life ever "did anything" chances are they might of tried,,

But the signs of abuse, the suspicion that "somethings not right here" and the words of a child aren't enough for that family to get a knock on their door and a look around. Apparently.

At least that's how it seemed from what i was told. I still have the rest of this week, theres a chance they'll call me back, but more likely they'll send a letter to my job.

My boss called me to check in and asked if i was ok. Told me i did right what i was supposed to. And i told him i was okay. But I'm shaken up. Idk if i just stuck my nose in the wrong spot and someone might be worse off for it. Or if i just did the best i could with less then i needed and i won't get anything done for it.

The kid might never know anyone tried for him. He probably wouldn't want me to try. I wouldn't of at that age. But now i wish someone had. So I'm spinning and it's not about me. I just have to do my best to do whats right and hope it does right

[princesscedar]

Bein sad abt cultural identity in the tags lmao 😔

[hanorganaas]

Jewish Rep in Moonknight

I wrote this on twitter but Id figure Id bring it here too. Here are my pespectives on the representation of Marc Spectors Judiac Heritage as a Jewish person in the Moonknight Television Show: 

So I have mixed feelings when it comes to this. First off I totally agree with the consensus when we were bombarded by Matt Murdock's Cathlocism in Daredevil from left to right  we should have had the same amount of emphasis as on Marc's Judaism, especially when it was mentioned he was the son of a rabbi. We do have Jewish characters in media but sometimes it is just mentioned they are Jewish and nothing else. 

There are pieces of media that do more to incorporate Jewish faith, Shadowhunters for instance has Simon Lewis digging into his experience as a Jewish man, showing him celebrating Jewish holidays and even mentioning the generational trauma from the shoah with his bubbie:

And as for the experiences of being a son of a Rabbi, It Chapter 1 did very well with this this with Stanley Uris not only showing the pressure he felt, and devotion to his faith being the son of a Rabbi, but they also made sure to show Stan having a Bar Mitzvah:

With these two examples it could have been easy to not have to mention Marc's Judaism every five minutes  but enough to say, okay this man is Jewish his faith is an very important part of him and his past and alot of his motivations as a hero  and to normalize Judaism as whole. ON THE OTHER HAND, I do like we do see little references to his Judaism. We see Marc always wearing a Star of David Necklace. We do see him participate in rituals and wear a Kippah, even apologizing to it when throwing it to the ground.  It is important to mention that Jewish people are commanded to apologize to holy items they drop to the ground like Kippahs, and prayer books to ensure its holiness, so this was a minor detail about Judaism I was very thrilled to see put in.  So its clear to me they did take the time to research into the religion and culture so that's another plus on my book. In addition, I also like it the idea that Marc always has a small connection to his faith even if its not his whole world:

This is a match to what modern Judaism looks like. While some Jewish people chose to be less religious, mix other beliefs or even be atheist, they still engage in customs and incorporate judaism somehow into their lives because they know how important it is to keep it alive. 

I started to practice a sect of Judaism called Jewitchery this year which combines the idea of the Jewish belief and magik and spirituality. I believe Hashem is still there and I believe they can be busy protecting others who are in more need of help so they send guides and spirits to help us manifest our dreams we call to the universe and help us if we need it (I have three but Ill talk about THAT in another thread one day). But back to the topic of Moonknight.

I do like the take of Marc still having a small connection to his Judaism despite not outright practicing because it shows how Jewish culture has shifted over the years in Modern time.

Another major concern among the consensus is that Oscar Isaac isnt a practicing Jew  While I do wish they got both an ethnic AND practicing Jew, I do like Oscar is ethnically a Latino Jew (He mentioned his father having Jewish heritage). The reason I like that is because there's a wild misconception that all Jews are Ashkenazi (conditionally white). Its because of this many instances of antiemetic attacks get thrown under the rug because we dont experience systematic racism like other cultures do which i get considering, every form of systematic discrimination I experience had nothing to do with my judaism,  I do get the occasional mocking of my jewish features like my thick eyebrows, my frizzy hair and my nose ofc but not enough to have people be suspicious I am going to steal something from their store, get stopped by a c*p when walking down the street etc.

Having Marc played by a jew of color, does show that while not all Jewish go through systemic racism, there are Jews that do, and not only that like other religions, thanks to dispora there are Jews that share a ethnicity with a variety of races including East Asia!  However, I will say next time they do want to have a Jew of Color in a Jewish role, they should have both a practicing and ethic Jew in the role cause it would ensure proper rep. A great example of a Jew of color they could have cast was Daveed Diggs who is black and Jewish.

Finally I will say, that I also commend Marvel for not making Marc a stereotypical Jew you see in Media. For Jewish women we see snooty, spoiled, rich women who are villianized (the slang term is JAP), case in point Rachel Berry from Glee.  For Jewish men they are usually neurotic, timid and considered out of their minds, while the Jewish Representation of Stanley Uris in It is great I am still uncomfortable with the fact that the only one who k words himself out of fear is the Jewish character.  Basically Jewish people are the butt of all jokes. The only times where comedy involving Jews works because it shows positive traits of Jews as well is Brooklyn 99 with Jake Peralta and Crazy Ex GF with Rebecca Bunch thats because they have Jewish actors behind them.

Marc does has his issues especially because DID is a huge part of Marc's identity, BUT....you dont see him backing out of a fight. You see him as a selfless person. Hes ready to protect people. He knows what is right. He is taken seriously. 

And to me who has seen way too many false and tropey representations of my people it was so refreshing to see a Jewish person who is brave and above all a superhero. I feel it truly captures the strength and resilience of the Jewish people because we survived alot of shit. Obviously I do feel like after the Wanda Debacle (that would have been another great oppertunity to cast a Jew of Color with a Romani Jew) Marvel has alot more work to do with proper Jewish rep...but to me its a start and opens the door to better rep in the future.

FINAL DISCLAIMER: I know there will be fellow Jewish fans who disagree on my points and I totally welcome them, but for non Jewish fans....please be respectful when disagreeing with me, i understand if you want to support and be an ally but still be respectful of jews opinions

[nightswithkookmin]

NO HYBE AND THEIR BTS ACTUALLY SUCK

I SAID WHAT I SAID.

This would have gone a different way if they didn't sound like they had been dying to get out of BTS. I love to support their solo careers hell I've been an advocate for them going Solo for as long as my blog has been up and have been called all sorts of names for it don't give me that crap.

7 grown ass men in a kpop boyband- does that make sense to you?? 7 grown us men singing highschool musicals on a desert sounds like they reliving a 7yr olds nightmare.

I've always complained about the lyricism and have unequivocally expressed my desire for much adult themed lyrics from them. How are they gonna do that while maintaining the purity culture and infantilizing nature of Kpop??

But i wish they had spoken of BTS with much joy and not complained much about the things ANY ONE WITH BRAINS KNOW they were dealing with as a group. You only say those things when it's over and done with.

And dont get me wrong- or get me wrong I don't give a fuck really. I feel validated that my thoughts and theories about them have been validated in so many ways by their raw honesty and confession. But without that validation I'd live. I don't need them to come out and say what common sense should lead us all to conclude.

But they really handled this poorly, harping on how miserable they feel as a group at this point rather than present this as simply an inevitable phase and the next chapter. I'd rather they had showed vulnerability by expeessing how much it scares them to take on this new challenge to build themselves as solo artists because IT IS REALLY SCARY.

THEY NEED TO HIRE A PUBLICIST. A PROFESSIONAL ONE AT THAT.

Now i have to imagine how scary this new path must be for Jimin and Jin because they were the only ones who came off as genuinely vulnerable to me- minus the time he looked in the camera and winked. Jin. He will always be Jin. Lmho.

AND SUGA. HOLD MY WIG I'M ABOUT TO THROW HANDS.

Can you imagine this man saying, now that he isn't being forced to do stuff he enjoys doing it???

THE FUCK??!!!!

I didn't know yall were so miserable together as a group- like ID, Like 5TH Harmonies, like LittleMix. After BTS i am not interested in groups again. The best bands are in the past.

Now that's cheap of me to say because I know that's not what they tried to send across and that's not what happened either. Yet that's how they came across. To most of us.

THIS IS WHAT I EXPECTED

BTS:

Hi Army. We have an announcement to make. It may be good news to some bad news to others but we think it's the right decision to take at this time.

We've been together for 9rs, we wanted to challenge ourselves to stay as a band for as long as we can. But while we grow as a group, as individuals we feel we aren't growing as much musically at all because though we are growing to love different music styles and forms it appears too experimental for fans and affects our brand as BTS.

As such, we want to focus on our individual music interests and produce more solo albums while we rediscover our voice and style to help shape our collective brand.

Just as you've stood by us all these years we pray you keep supporting us individually as well as we venture onto this next stage.

It's a bold and scary move and WE ARE SCARED to take on this new challenge because being together is all we've known our lives and every year at Festa we hope we can see eachother and celebrate our time together. We will keep doing run as well to Keep connected with you guys.

I mean are they even gonna do Festa each year again???? I hate this so much.

This could have gone so much better cos now they've left us with a lot of questions and no closure. They couldn't even tell us this is gonna be our final concert as a group- though we kinda already knew with the kind of things there were saying and doing 💀

They wrapped up OT7 in a selfish way without letting the fans prepare either. I mean we all wouldn't have missed certain concerts at all if we knew that was the last.

And Festa should have been celebrated in a whole other way than this- what even was this??

Namjoon saying he wouldn't want another Bon Voyage when the members said they could do that- yea no I'm not falling for those tears. Go ahead and cry me a river.

But I also know he needs this break from group activities even though now they are saying they NOT going on a break. THEY ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

They should just have prepared this much much better than they did I feel used and dumped😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

They actually made fun of performing fake love over and over when its like but that song made me happy each time they performed it

i never bought into their ot7 agenda but this really sucks

Are they gonna do ads as a group again??

Are they gonna do 0T7 Vlives again??

No more Soop??

No more Bon Voyage???

No more Festa?

GOOD BYE OT7😒

I've lost my will to live

GOODBYE GHETTO EARTHLINGS

GOLDY

[binniesthighs]

call me babydoll | reader x chan

a/n: ahhhhh holy holy heck this chapter is SO DAMN EXCITING hehehe I had sosososo much writing and doing all the research!! please let me know if there is anything factual/cultural that I need to fix! I tried the best I could although I most def am not an expert in Egyptian culture so I appreciate it a lot :) hehe i hope ya have fun reading this chapter teehee oh! also I love hearing what you thought of it too! :D 

Four 

Pairing: self insert, female reader x bang chan 

Genre: action, mystery and suspense, fluff, smut, angst 

Tags: (of this part) bodyguard au, secret agent au, royal au, moderndayprince!chan, secretagent!reader, secretagent!jeongin, secretagent!jisung, collegestudent!seungmin, royal!minho, skz side characters, adventure and mystery, action and peril, plot driven, running out of time, slow-ish burn, growing feelings, sexual tension, explicit language, several mentions of food and alcohol as well as getting tipsy/drunk that good, good making out, suggestive themes

CWs: mentions of guns, mentions of knives, themes of jealousy (expressed by the reader) 

Word count: 7.5k

Parts 

ONE | TWO | THREE | FOUR | FIVE 

“Well, we’re in Cairo alright.” 

Two tugged the amazed young stow-away-student, Seungmin, by the hand of his backpack to keep him from running into one of the palm tree planters decorating the terminal. The young man had nearly slept the whole flight due to the length as well as the exasperation that he had just been through. While his eyes were still darkened from his nap, his glossy pupils still wondered all around him. 

“I take it back. I’m so glad that I almost died so I could end up here with you guys.” 

Jeongin slapped him from the backside of his head. “Never be thankful for almost dying. Life is a lot more fucking fragile than you think. This isn’t just some joyride--” 

“--Ease up F.” You interrupted your partner as you shouldered your bag. The kid had already been through enough already: he didn’t need accosting on top of it all. 

The dashing prince sighed out and stretched his arms. “Ahhhh Cairo. It’s been a while; too long actually.” 

The airport was humid: the kind of sticky warmth that dripped down your neck in a matter of seconds to then get caught above your lip. It wasn’t much help to the anxiety that already had seeped into your veins. The closer you got to a gun the more comfortable you would be. You and the other two guards created a formation around the prince with two in the front and the other in the flank. While each of you were dressed in regular street clothes, your responsibility of his detail still hung over your head with a severe air. 

Chan threw his arm over the young student with an obscene grin. His hair had become a little disheveled from the plane seat and his hoodie, but he didn’t appear to mind. Seeing him so normal was somewhat of an odd change to your previous unbreakable impression of him. 

“Seungmin my friend, you’ve never lived until you’ve been to Cairo. I’ve never seen another place so enriched in history in my whole life...it puts my kingdom to shame. It’s almost like...you can just feel the time here: hundreds of thousands of years...beauty, art, food, industry...I’ve got a thing or two to learn.” 

Seungmin nodded at the prince’s grandiose gestures in the terminal with an enamored smile. “I can’t wait to see it!” 

Your partner put a firm hand on the prince’s back to guide him to the baggage claim. “We won’t be here for long, so, don’t get too excited. We’ve come here for one reason and we shouldn’t dally otherwise.” 

The young boy appeared to frown, and Two bit his lip with a little chuckle. “Way to crush the kids dreams F.” 

“You know the mission, J.” Jeongin gritted his teeth with the words. “Everything is set, there will be a car waiting for us in the garage, and at the hotel we’ll have anything we need.” 

Prince Chan lulled his head back with heels clicking on the flooring. Rogue strands of his hair hung over his sunglasses where he threw a look back at you while pulling them down. 

“Don’t forget our little deal Bee? We’ll have time for a little pleasure.” 

The white haired agent rolled his eyes with gusto then adjusted the royal’s glasses over his face. “We’ve still got to be careful, you Highness. We never know where they could have eyes.” 

“I know where I’ve got mine...” He turned back once more to throw his cockiness in your general direction. 

“Listen to F, your Highness...if you want to live.” 

“Oooo. Feisty as ever, Bee. I love it when you bite back.” Chan turned to his new pet, Seungmin, “She’s really something isn’t she?”

The young man nodded, but not necessarily because he agreed, but it just seemed like it better to agree with a prince than to disagree with him. 

The air appeared to turn even thicker in the summery and arid city and your group approached the parking lot half shaded. Outside of the cement lot, iridescent waves of heat wiggled on the horizon, and further, the astonishing urban sprawl of Cairo, and just over it, the stretch of the Nile and Giza. Palms and other varieties of plants spotted the landscape and above it all, a perfectly crystal blue sky streaked with thin clouds. Had the circumstances been different, you really would have wished to have been there for pleasure. 

“This one. Right here.” Jeongin announced upon spotting the black armored sedan. It wasn’t the most inconspicuous vehicle, but you were prioritizing safety over aesthetics. Your partner touched his index fingerprint to the car door’s invisible panel, and it flashed blue just as the lock had at the safehouse with the ticking clock insignia. 

Two whipped his head around to make one last check of the surroundings before taking off his sunglasses and reddened eye. “Get in. Both of you.” He urged the prince and the student. He popped the drivers side open to find a different pair of glasses in the storage compartment: gold framed aviators. 

“Huh,” He said happily while putting them on. “This is more my style.” He rummaged around a bit more to find a new pair of black framed glasses there too. “Fox! Think fast!” He threw them over to your partner who sighed out with relief. 

“Thank god.” 

The trunk opened with a mechanical sounding creek, and you lifted up the trunk bed to find your whole arsenal: Heckler & Koch MP5′s submachines, Remington 870 shotguns, and Glocks complete with thigh holsters. Among the pile of metal, various knives and other weapons were held in foam holders. 

“They’ve got knives back there?” Two asked while pulling the rearview mirror to see. 

“Oh yeah. What? You more of a knife guy?” You teased while looping your thigh holster over your cargo pants. It fit just right. 

The illusive man popped his gum with a shiny smile. “‘Don’t ever have to reload them...that’s what I’m saying.” 

“Thank you Carroll.” Jeongin sighed upon seeing the thick laptop among the weapons. “Finally I can do some real work. That kid’s damn Chromebook was killing me. I nearly short circuited it trying to connect to our network.” 

“You what?!” Seungmin was suddenly much more interested. 

“Dont worry yourself too much, its still fine.” 

“Are there cameras in here?” You quickly asked your partner. 

“Agency should’ve fried them a long time ago. Why?” 

From the trunk bed you sized up the Glock to feel its weight and how cool it settled into your sweating hand. You unloaded the magazine to see that it had already been filled. 

“Carroll. She really is too kind to us.” You slid the magazine back in then, pulled back the slider to lock it once more, catching Chan’s adoring glance. 

“Something interesting pretty boy?” 

The prince appeared to shiver a little, but brushed it off sighing, “Oh, nothing.” 

━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━

Either it was Carroll or the King, but someone had spared no expense on the young prince. The sun set upon the sparking Nile where you had arrived at the Four Seasons Hotel Cairo at Nile Plaza. 

Anything for His Royal Highness The Prince. 

The towering and gleaming building was a sight to behold in and of itself. It was nestled right into the riverside anchored with several leisurely sailboats bopping in the evening breeze. As day crept into night, the city grew with a swell of lights washing as far as you could see. Extensive bridges and roadways glowed with headlights and every building appeared to be illuminated along with more boats strolling down the river in a rainbow of colors and music. 

The prince craned his head as close to the window as he could and rubbed together his hands excitedly. He looked from you to your partners, finally making a disapproving scoff. 

“Come on. You’re not just a little excited to be here?” 

“We’re here on business, how many times do we have to explain?” Jeongin typed away at his computer from the front seat. 

“Bee?” He looked back to you with a hopeful little glint to his eye. 

“Like Fox said...tomorrow is our appointment with White Rabbit, then we’re on the first flight back home for you.” 

The young prince frowned, but this quickly faded once he had seen the golden brass doors to the magnificent hotel. Seeing the state that the four of you were in, it was a bit comical that you had rolled up to a place such as this. Immediately a valet and bellhop jogged up to the car wearing perfectly pressed uniforms and spotless shined shoes. Little did they know you had no belongings to your name...the rest was waiting in your suite: the royal kind. 

Seungmin cranked his neck to take in the scale of the building in all of it’s regal glory and let out an airy laugh his with his backpack straps snapped tight. 

“Holy shit.” He exclaimed with a giant smile 

Two rose a “no thank you” hand to the valet, and asked him where the garage was in perfect Arabic. The gesture surprised you...as many things did with that man. Jeongin gave a little nod in appreciation to the bellhop and expressed with his own broken version of Arabic that you group had no luggage. The young man was confused, but still gladly took the bills that Jeongin had slipped into his hand for the inconvenience. 

“We’re staying here?” Seungmin wondered while he followed you in. 

“When you travel with The Prince, it comes with some perks.” Chan tore off his glasses with a particularly prideful grin. 

“I feel like I need to pay for just...breathing in here.” 

Indeed, it was a luxurious and grand place. The atrium was patterned with various plush lounge chairs and benches and the path was made of emerald green marble tiles with swirling designs of beige loops. Thick, round columns also supported the ceilings in the lobby, and crystal glass chandeliers sparkled. On several tables, massive floral arrangements had been freshly placed, and you wondered how much the hotel must've paid for them to look that good just to have them replaced the next day. 

A couple formalities were exchanged with the worker at the front desk, and soon the keycards to the royal suite were placed into your hands. Seungmin held his piece of plastic as if it were a gold bar in his hands whereas Chan shoved it right into his front pocket. 

“Everything that we should need should be up in the room.” You told the group who were too distracted to hear what you had just said. 

Just before you had entered the elevator, a tug at your sleeve stopped you in your tracks. Jeongin pulled you back, nodding at Two to go with the others up first. 

“Remember what we talked about before?” He muttered in the hollow and stone corridor. “About the prince?” 

“I need to stay beside him?” 

Your partner nodded with a furrowing brow. “We’re out in the open here, it’s a big city...anyone could be watching us. No distractions, no messing around, no anything. We see White Rabbit and we leave. Hell, I’m even inclined to make sure he doesn’t leave the room...” 

“Jeongin...” You squeezed your partner’s shoulder which felt stringy and tense under your fingertips. “I got it. Trust me. He won’t leave my sight. I promise.” 

“..Okay.” He said with a nervous brush to his hair, then he pressed the elevator button with his knuckle. 

“You...okay?” 

The young man appeared to snap out of a trance. “What? ...Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m keeping it together fine. It’s just...there’s a lot riding on this mission. I don’t...” 

The gold and reflective elevator dinged to the ground floor. 

“We can’t disappoint Carroll with this one. There’s too much riding on it...I can’t disappoint Carroll.”      

You invited your partner into the marbled and mirrored interior of the small space. 

“Don’t worry, we won’t.”

━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━ 

 Even without the help of his royal helpers, Chan managed to clean himself up nice...provided, only the finest clothes had been sent for him to wear. While they weren’t the usual designer labels that he was used to, it was clear that they had been picked out from the finest markets and boutiques in the area. Chan, as he always was, was a prince to the full extent of the word. After a shower and some perfume to his chest, he was the same man that you had been introduced to. 

A loose linen shirt swayed from his frame with little regard for the usage of buttons. He wore slacks that had been pressed made of a kind of fabric that you had never seen before, but looked airy and comfortable. As always, there was a small assortment of shoes for him to choose from as well. He picked brown leather loafers, then tucked up his sleeves to reveal his arms; scratched as they were, but still strong and spiderwebbed with thick veins. 

Arrangements had been made for you to share one of the bedrooms with him--as much as you had fought it at first. Chan was thrilled with the idea, and gladly let you settle into his room with your small assortment of sidepieces and modest set of clothes by regulation of The Agency. While it had mostly been denim button downs and several kinds of functional trousers, they had sent an evening gown. 

The silky white fabric was not unlike the dress that had worn for the gala, but it appeared to be even more sultry once you held it to your frame. The thin spaghetti straps barely held to your shoulders and the back dipped nearly halfway down your back. 

Knowing the man that you had an appointment with, you figured the dress would make it just a little bit easier to talk to him. Along with it, there was a matching set of diamond earrings and a necklace that glinted with the same sheen of the sea. 

“You’ll look gorgeous in that.” Chan said while slipping on a wristwatch. “I’m sure that it will suit you perfectly.” 

The wooden bedside nightstand creaked when you put your holster and Glock in with a matching matte black knife. You had to be careful with that one, as it had nearly cut your finger upon inspection earlier.         

“Hm. I think the both of us know that you’d prefer it on these lovely marble floors rather than on me. Correct?” 

The confident prince strode across the room in the dim lighting of a couple lamps with stained glass shades. Outside of the balcony attached to your room, the sheer curtains blew in the night air and distorted the city lights across the river. Further, Cairo Tower surged with a pink light wrapping around the length were the cylinder pierced the sky. 

“Maybe.” He tutted, then crinkled the king-sized bed where he sat. The prince’s disposition was alluring, there was no denying. He tiled his head to inspect you further, jaw clenching with a sharp angle and a testing glare to his brown pupils. The man smiled slightly while rubbing his index and ring finger down the sleeve of your considerably less scratchy blouse. 

“I hope that during our time here Bee, I’ll get to know you a little better. I’m...really looking forward to our drink later. I made reservations for us.” 

“Reservations? When did you do that?” 

“Oh. When you were showering.” He smirked at his sneaky plans unbeknownst to you. 

“If you think that I’m letting you go anywhere else besides this hotel--” 

“--Bee?” The young royal grew quieter, softer, careful even. His hand cascaded from your arm down to your waist where he tentatively went to grab at your hip and squeeze lightly there. 

While your first reaction was to swat him away, your second crept up on you unexpectedly, and swelled with a kind of confused euphoria feeling the pressure of him on your body. You let his hand linger there, thumb pressed into your hipbone. 

“You don’t need that dress to be beautiful.” 

His words snapped you back; sickly sweet, and sticky in your chest. You cast his hand off of you. 

“You’re crossing the line, your Highness. Don’t...don’t touch me again.” 

The royal sighed as he rose, then inspected his face in the sizeable mirror. Each of his cuts and scars had been skillfully covered with makeup the best he could manage.  

“Bee, I’d cross multiple lines for you. I thought you knew?”    

“THIS BED IS FUCKIN’ AMAZING!!” Seungmin called from the opposite of the suite. 

The prince smiled, then followed you to the door. 

“I’ve already got enough on my hands, your Highness. I ask that you not distract me.” 

“Distract you?” 

As soon as you had said it, regret bit at the tips of your ears. You couldn’t meet his teasing glances, but rather slid one of your more discrete sidepieces into your crossbody bag--as if guns as such could be such a thing. 

“I-I...I’ll sleep on the couch.” You then resolved out loud, however the prince chuckled at your sudden break. 

“As you wish Bee.” 

━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━

“I think that this is the best meal that I’ve ever eaten in my entire life!!” 

Seungmin kicked his legs under the table to the embarrassed glances of both Jeongin and Chan. Before you, the prince had ordered a variety of both cold and hot mezzah dishes with a couple main entrees for you to share. While he was the only one to drink, he indulged in the most expensive wine that the hotel had to offer. Granted, everything would be paid for in cash from The Agency, however the Prince swore up and down that anyone could order anything that they wanted and that The Agency would be paid back in full. You and your partners ate modestly, however the young student didn’t hold back. As the boy shoved his face, it appeared to make the prince happy to see him eating so well. 

You were still an odd group, and garnered curious glances from other restaurant guests. While they were only glances in passing, they still didn’t make you feel any better. You had already drawn enough attention to yourself with you being an odd mix of foreigners who each held themselves differently. You could sense that you partner felt it too while he sipped at his seasonal soup with eyes up to scan the room as he did so. 

Chan threw his arm behind your chair to take in the rest of the room: perfectly decorated with jade green chandeliers and perfectly symmetrical wallpaper and furnishings. It was as if he felt somehow content with your strange little group; like he was the ringleader of it all or some king of the round table. For a moment, he paused to watch the way that the boats passed by on the river from the window nearest to him and sighed. Knowing him, he was probably enjoying running for his life in this way. 

Two cleared his throat and unbuttoned his fashionable suit jacket as the waiters came to clear the table for dessert. 

“So. What are the specs for tomorrow?” 

Jeongin fiddled with his glasses, then dabbed away at the corners of his mouth. “He’s invited us to come around 11pm. He wants us to dress up too--as I’m sure you’ve all seen the clothes that have been provided for us. He apparently loves his formalities, but, anything to make him feel more comfortable I suppose. His men will meet us in the front and take us to him, then we try our best not to fuck it up.”

“--Which we won’t.” You soothed your partner. 

Seungmin perked up, “I’m coming too?” 

“How else are we going to look after ya, kid?” Two ruffled up the young man’s hair. 

“W-wait. Didn’t you say that it’s a club? Will they even let me in? I’m not like, 21 yet? I mean, I will be in a couple months--” 

“--Ahhh you’re so cute.” Chan beamed. “If you’re rolling with us that doesn’t matter.” 

Seungmin blushed and played with the condensation of his water glass. “Oh.” 

Your partner shifted in his seat. “Speaking of. Considering that you’re “one of us” now. We need to discuss something important with you. Your identity.” He looked over to you to finish the rest of the speech that had been pushed off for just a bit too long. 

“Your name...is your most valuable asset. It’s the only thing about yourself that you can keep for yourself. No one else should know it besides you...and, well, us. If they know your name, they know your family, they know where you live, where you go to school, even that girl that you had a crush on in the fourth grade. Got it?” 

Seungmin gulped dry with blown out eyes. “I-I think that I understand.” 

“What do you want us to call you from now on?” 

He paused, considering towards the ceiling. ”Well...if you’re B, and he’s F...and he’s J...I could be S? Simple enough right?” 

“S it is then.” 

The waiters arrived with every dessert possible: chocolate cake, Crème Brule, fruit cheesecake garnished with mint, as well as traditional desserts like Om Ali and Mehalabiya--a type of milk pudding dressed with delicate, pink, edible flowers. 

Seungmin--now dubbed S--made happy little eating sounds while he tried a little bit of everything. 

“Thank you.” You finally spoke to the prince, who now smelled strongly of Lotus and Jasmine. 

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t mind treating my friends.” 

The word hung in the air, and you didn’t quite know what to do with it. 

Friends. 

“Where is this reservation that you mentioned?” 

He took a swing from his crystal glass with finesse. “Hm. That’s for me to know and you to find out.” 

“Jeongin told me that I need to keep an eye on you, you know that? It would be best if we didn’t leave the hotel at all--” 

“--But what would be the fun in that?” The prince nearly pouted. 

From the others side of the table, Two in his aviators brushed off his lap before standing. “I’m going to get some sleep, if that’s alright with you? I’m feeling pretty jetlagged and I want to be prepared for tomorrow. Excuse me.” 

The slender man bowed to you at the table, then even deeper to the prince. 

“What was that about?” Jeongin muttered while he poked at the thin caramel layer of his French dessert. 

“Actually, I think I want to head to bed too, I’m stuffed.” Seungmin rubbed his belly in his contentment. “Also...I think I might have homework due...heh. I don’t know...I’ve got to figure out all these all these time differences and stuff.” He pushed in his chair then gave the prince a deep bow. “Thank you, your Highness.” 

“My pleasure.” Chan said with a tiny bow back. “Rest up, kid.” 

With the empty holes at the table, the silence was deafening. 

“And then there were three.” Jeongin yawned. “Bee? Wanna do some laps in the morning? I saw that they had a pool? Wanna see if you can beat my record...again?” 

“Psh. I was coming off that biochemical cocktail the last time we tired. You had an advantage.” 

“Then you’ll beat me? Hm! I look forward to that.” Your adorable partner flashed the first smile that you’d seen in a couple days. You missed it, you realized. 

“Sleep tight Bee. Goodnight your Highness.” 

“Thank you Fox.” The prince mirrored his warm smile. 

Knives and forks clinked on china in the dining room, and music softly payed the soundtrack of the evening. A low hum filled the space where the tourists and patrons chatted among themselves. It was peaceful and normal amidst everything that had been pricking your skin and plaguing worry over your mind. The prince merely sighed, sparking eyes reflecting the candles dying out on the table. 

“And now it’s just the two of us.” 

“Seems like it.” 

“Can I whisk you away now?” 

“Whisk? Who said that I would allow any whisking?” 

“Come on...Bee. Just this one time? I promise to be on my best behavior.” 

You laughed out incredulously at the comment. “You out of all people can’t promise something like that.” 

“I guess you’re right about that. But...still, I won’t try to make a scene or anything.” 

The royal placed his napkin on the table with his knife and fork respectfully tilted off the edge of his plate. 

“Follow me?” 

Chan held out his hand. It was pink with heat and scraped a little from the glass that had pierced the fragile flesh. In some way, you had felt a twinge of guilt seeing the small injury knowing that you couldn’t have protected him well enough then. You allowed him to lace your fingers with yours, and felt the rough cuts of his scars in your palm. 

You had promised to yourself that he would never know such pain again. 

━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━

“Annnd...this is it!” 

You had taken all of twenty paces outside of the hotel when Chan gestured with open arms to the riverfront. Just at the riverbank, a steamboat was anchored with open doors for hotel guests to enter. The massive, multideck, white steamboat shone like the moon peaking at the ocean’s horizon. Each of the semi-circle windows were lined with white lights and from the inside, the delightful sound of laugher and live music spilled out to the glossy water of the Nile. 

“W-what is this?” 

“Well…it’s a dinner cruise but I just signed us up for the bar part. Are you...surprised? I thought that it must be pretty safe considering that we’re on the water and no one can drive up and shoot at us.” 

“I mean...it’s a bit closed off, but nothing that I can’t handle.” 

The prince held out his arm for you to lead the way, then took your hand to help you watch your step down the stairs. Chan provided his name to the conductor in elegant sounding Arabic, leaving you shocked. 

“Y-you speak Arabic too?” 

Chan chuckled once more, taking your hand in his to bring you down the creaking wood deck with swinging with lanterns above your heads. 

“As a royal and diplomat, it’s best for me to know how to communicate if I might need to.” 

“I must say your Highness, I am definitely impressed.” 

“What? You thought I was just another pretty face?” The charming prince escorted you to a room within the steamboat that was lined with red velvet carpets and small bar tables with tea candles and water lilies floating in a shallow dish. He pulled out your chair before his own, then settled with hands folded in his lap. “I’m trained in hand-to-hand too, although I could use a refresher; that was so long ago, back when I went to school.” 

“Hand-to-hand? Well! You really are full of surprises.” 

The prince appeared smug and faintly amused by the compliment as he crossed his legs under the table and leaned in with his dizzying floral scent. 

The waitress appeared and Chan flexed his language skills once more while he ordered a Hemmingway Daiquiri for himself and a French 75 for you. Somewhere off in the distance or perhaps a different part of the boat, louder and more excitable music played along with the echoing claps of those who listened along. Here, it was much quieter, and the loud sound was replaced with a jazz song that you had heard before--likely from your more formative years. 

“It’s a beautiful night.” Chan began, “Thank you for agreeing to do this with me. I know that I’ve been a bit forward, but, I appreciate you entertaining me.” 

“If I had said no, what would’ve happened then?” 

“Well, maybe I would’ve dropped it, but...knowing you...I don’t think that I would’ve given up easily.” 

The waitress returned with the drinks on a silver platter: his grapefruit pink and yours the color of a lemon drop. 

The royal rose his glass for you to clink with yours, “To...adventures.” 

“To adventures.” 

With a resounding sound, the glasses met, and you watched the way that the shimmering liquid ripped across the prince’s nose. 

The two of you sat for several moments more, saying nothing, but sipping and soaking in the night breeze and the humidity that made your whole body feel blanketed with a sense of calm. You had felt this way before back at the safe house, and it snuck up on you once more. Simply exisiting with the prince provided you with a sense of solace that had long since faded from your life. The sense of responsibility that you felt for the man was noticeable, but you couldn’t help but notice how he provided for you the same sense of safety that you did for him. 

Perhaps it was the loneliness of the job and the solitude that came along with it. Was that you craved to be touched? Listened to? Admired? You had distanced yourself from irrational things such as love and other feelings of attachment. In your line of work, people died often, and you had to move on just as fast as their lives had been taken from them. You supposed that you had become unfeeling at this point...but this prince, so full of himself and focused on the material...there was something about him that reminded you how to feel. 

“Bee? What are you thinking about?” He asked carefully. 

“Oh...nothing.” 

“You looked kind of lost here.” 

“Was I?” 

“You okay?” 

“Yeah...yeah. I’m fine. Maybe the drink is just...getting to me.” 

“Just one drink?” Chan giggled a bit, “I didn’t take you for being a lightweight Bee. I thought that they gave you like, drinking lessons or something back at that agency of yours.” 

“I’m fine. I shouldn’t have more than one drink anyway.” 

The prince nodded, understanding. “So, what will you tell me about yourself? Is there anything that you’re allowed to tell me? Or...will you always be this mysterious, beautiful, enigma?” 

“Me? Enigmatic? Ha! Hardly.” 

“Well? What then?” The prince sucked at the lime garnishing his glass. “Since I don’t have the pleasure of knowing your real name, I’d love it if you could tell me something.” 

Over the stereo, the muted trumpet played along with the twang of thick upright bass strings,

“I suppose I could tell you how...” Chan leaned in, “I didn’t want to join The Agency. At first.” 

“Oh? Why’s that?” 

“It felt like a bit of a last resort and anything that is a last resort is something that can’t come easy.” 

Chan titled his head as if to say, I’m listening. 

“Life...fucking sucks sometimes. Sometimes...you’re left...living with your sleazy uncle with a letter addressed to you post mortem telling you to carry on the family name if you want to feel some connection to the parents that you never knew.” 

The royal cast his eyes down, “I-I’m so sorry.” 

“The Agency has been everything I’ve known since I was a teenager. This life...it’s everything. I think in a way I feel obligated to it...since it was what took my parents from me...I owe it to them to do a job that they spent so much energy on so that it wasn’t in vain.” 

You stopped, realizing the weight of your words in the air and how they cut like the blade of the knife that you kept tucked in your waistband sheathed in a leather cover. Once the sharp metal was taken from it’s confines, there was nothing to protect those from the damage it could do. 

“Bee...I don’t know what to say besides I’m sorry. That’s terrible. I can’t imagine what it must be like to loose your parents and have been thrown into this life...no one deserves that.” 

“Its okay.” You sighed. “I did it to myself. Now, it’s of no concern. I can take care of my own, and I have a new family. I try not to look back.” 

As he had done numerous times before that night, Chan’s hand reached out for yours under the table, brushing up against the white cloth. 

“I can’t say how much I appreciate you enough for what you do; risking your life for me...I owe you everything Bee.” The prince softened, rubbing his thumb against the back of your hand. 

The chug of the steamboat hissed softly behind you in that back bar room, and just through the windows, you could see the stars dotting the sky just as they did in any corner of the world. They were a reminder that while some things changed, others didn’t. 

The echo of footsteps on the deck clicked, causing you to turn a careful glance back to the direction of the sound. The man who entered was dressed in a casual cotton button up and navy slacks. On the white of his breast, he wore a pin holding the symbol of a crest.

“Lee Minho?” Chan gasped. 

“Your Highness!” The handsome man bowed immediately with a startled little smile. 

The friendly prince stood immediately upon seeing the other royal to shake his hand. “What a coincidence that we meet again!” 

Lee Minho shied with a polite smile while fiddling with his hair that looked to be masterfully styled. “Must be...fated. Or something like that.” 

“Are you alright? Last I saw you was at the shooting at the gala. I’m so glad to see that you’re safe. You didn’t get injured I hope?” 

This close, Lee Minho had oddly cat-like eyes that were as intense as they were alluring. He was just as you had remembered him to be--put together and polished like a true royal, dastardly handsome with all the right curves to his body, and just enough mystery to him to pique the interest of anyone who had sensed his air--just as the prince had. 

“What are you doing in Cairo?” Chan asked, gesturing for the stranger to pull up a chair. 

Lee Minho swatted away the question with an annoyed cringe. “Royal stuff, you know how it goes. Everyone is always trying to poke their noses in places where they shouldn’t be...unless they’re looking to get themselves killed. That's why they send me. I’m dispensable.” 

“Oh, I’d hardly say that.” 

In seconds the prince’s entire body had shifted towards the direction of the other man, and hung onto each of his words as if they were a siren song. 

“When you’re not as high up in the ranks as you are your Highness, royalty starts to feel more like servitude than a legitimate position.” 

“So, where are you poking your nose?” 

Lee Minho’s eyes nervously flicked to you, and Chan realized that he had skipped right over introductions. 

“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce the two of you. Minho, this is Bee, my--” 

“--I’m a member of his detail.” You spoke for him. “It’s a pleasure to meet you formally Lee Minho. I recall seeing you at the gala.” 

Minho bowed slightly, “It’s a pleasure to meet you too.” 

It was obvious that you had made the man uncomfortable, just as you had liked it to be. While you could see what the prince had seen in him, you had the disposition to be much less trusting than his Highness. 

“Which royals are employing you? I’d love to know! It’s always exciting for me to learn about who is plotting what. The royal drama keeps me really entertained.” 

Minho sat up straighter, then waved a hand for the waitress to come scuttling over. 

“Some of my family members. You wouldn’t know them, we’re all dreadfully insignificant to be honest. They heard all this business about those men with the red crests and they’re starting to get scared. After they targeted...you, they’re wondering which royal family might be next...if any. I’m here to find out who they are, their whereabouts, anything else.” 

“Wow! That’s actually what we--”

“--And where are you planning on getting this information if I may ask?” You hushed the prince’s loose lips as quickly as you could. 

Minho leaned in over the flickering candle to lower his tone, “I heard that there’s an informant here in the city who might now something about this group. They’ve been popping up on national news too as of late. I’m looking to talk to him tomorrow evening. Luckily, I was able to make an appointment but it was no small feat. I had to bribe him to high hell to get him to speak with me.” 

“Hm. Sounds familiar.” You mumbled. 

Chan’s eyes widened, then he looked back to you to ask for permission. You gave him a nod.

“It seems like we’re here for a common purpose my friend.” The prince leaned in to bridge the gap between them, his hand notably reaching to rest on the other man’s thigh below the table’s surface. “We’re seeking similar information and I think we might be speaking of the same informant.” 

“But your Highness, isn’t it dangerous it you to do something like this?” 

“Not when I’ve got her around.” Chan threw a sly grin to you across the table. “I’m well protected. And you? Where’s your detail?” 

“I’m afraid that I’m out here alone. Like I said, when you’re as low in the ranks as I am...” 

“What? That’s terrible!! They aren’t even protecting their own? Bee!!” 

“Yes, your Highness?” You already knew where this was going. 

“Let’s bring Minho along with us tomorrow! We know that there’s safety in numbers--” 

“Your Highness, in case you haven’t noticed, our hands are already a bit full...”

“I can fend for myself.” Lee Minho suddenly piped. “Travelling alone, I’ve picked up a few things about protecting myself. You don’t have to protect me, but, I appreciate the offer.” 

“Nonsense! You should come with us! I would feel more comfortable if you did rather than went by yourself.” 

Lee Minho gave the royal a smile in his thanks, it was pure and a little adorable you had considered...but that was likely the champagne going to your head. 

“Really? I appreciate it, your Highness.” 

While you were distanced, you nearly could’ve sworn that the prince had squeezed the other’s leg reassuringly, and you were willing to bet he had rubbed it with his thumb too just as he had done to you. 

After long, the waitress returned with Lee Minho’s drink, and the two men chatted like old college buddies while you slipped away at your drink in an attempt to make it last as long as you could. While Chan did try to engage you in conversation, it would never last for long until he would become puppy-eyed over the stranger again. In the end, you wondered if the tipsy prince would’ve also confessed to this man if he had one too many drinks. 

The table bumped with their jovial and restless legs, and you could only imagine what wandering hands sought to discover. 

━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━

The hotel was quiet save for the click of heels on the marble floors from ladies who had just gotten off the steamboat and clung to their husbands in their drunken stupor. They cackled in the empty and golden lobby, then pressed hasty kisses into the stuttering mouths of their husbands who’s mouths then smeared with hot pick lipstick. Chan giggled at the sight while he tripped over his own feet too. 

“Ahhhh. Being in love is so cute.” He adored them once you had entered the elevator. 

“You’re not going to throw up on me, are you?” 

The prince hiccupped, then shook his head. “Unlike you I know how to hold my liquor. I’m fine. Just a bit sleepy I think. Must be the jet lag.” 

The tones for each floor beeped in the compartment, and Chan lulled his head back and forth. 

“So. Lee Minho huh?” You said, not even able to help yourself. The alcohol had brought you a bit of an edge...so you thought. 

“Lee. Minho.” He sighed out dreamily. “What do you think of him?” 

“I think I can’t trust anyone as long as I haven’t ran at least three background checks on them.” 

“Awww, Bee, you’re so thoughtful of me.” 

In the empty hallway, the prince with squinting eyes leaned against the doorframe to the royal suite, reaching out to brush up against your blouse once more. You let him, excusing his drunken state. After he did so, his eyes hazed over with something much different, while he looked exhausted, it was laced with something else: something much more longing. 

“Bee...fuck, I really want to kiss you again.” 

“Hm. That’s ripe coming from you who was just viciously flirting with Lee Minho.” 

You could see his head spinning in his dilated pupils. “What?” 

The door clicked open and you less than gracefully lead the prince through the dark to your shared bedroom. 

“B-Bee, what are you talking about?” 

You scoffed, “I’m not blind, you know.” 

“A-are you...jealous?” 

“W-what? Fuck no. I’m just...you can’t just...toss people around thinking that they’ll all bend to you.” 

Chan sat at the edge of the bed and rubbed at his temples when you turned one of the lamps on. 

“I-I was doing that?” 

You tore a pillow from the bed as well as the throw blanket at the end. “I’m sleeping on the couch. Good evening, your Highness.” 

“Wait! Bee!” The young prince stumbled after you, stubbing his toe against the bedpost in the process. “Ah-FUCK!” He grunted. 

“What?” You growled back to him, half shrouded in the darkness of the suite living room. 

The royal stumbled out, eyes blank and backlit from the bedroom. While you couldn’t see him fully, you later could assume that there was something in him terribly torn and ripped in that moment that made little sense to him, as it did to you to. 

Arms reached out, bodies softly illuminated by the lights of the city, and the prince leaned himself fully into you, pressing bitter tasting lips to yours with a heat and desire that only seemed amplified the breather he had gotten. While he tasted of lime and grapefruits, with a twinge of alcohol. He was just as addictive as any vice. You wanted to feel him. As infuriating as he was, and oblivious, your abhorrence to him was just as strong as your attraction. 

“Mm, Bee--” He moaned directly into your mouth while shuffling both of you back to the bedroom. 

The prince’s trembling breath floated from his mouth to yours where he used both of his large hands to pull your face closer to his. You knew that in some way, there must have been something ingenuine about the whole scenario, but you didn’t care too much, not when kissing him felt like something. Maybe he had kissed you out of pity, or because he really had wanted to kiss you. You broke for seconds before both of your tangled limbs hit the bed. 

“Before...you said that you wouldn’t kiss me.” 

“I didn’t make any promises...but, how come...you said that you wouldn’t hesitate...? But you kissed ba--” 

You silenced the prince’s words with your own heated kisses that made little sense, only that kissing him as such felt good. You straddled the man while his hungry fingers traced all the way down your back. The prince’s hips sunk into the cushiony mattress, and you screwed him down even harder into it with your own heated hips grinding into him with as much pressure as you could muster. 

“This is what you want, right?” You pulled at his lip with your teeth to hear him groan from it. 

“Is it...what you want?” Chan got out between more kisses. 

You could blame it on loneliness or lack of touch all that you wanted, but it wasn’t even close. 

“Wait. Wait.” Chan suddenly interjected. 

“What? What is it?” 

The prince looked up at you, that haze in his eyes now fading to something much different that wasn’t covered in the lust that he held before. 

“Bee...I-I don’t know if I want it to happen this way. It feels...it’s not...” 

“Not what?” 

He brushed his hand upward now to caress your face, lingering on the side of the peach fuzz on your cheek. “You deserve better than whatever the hell this is.” 

“Oh, so when I finally want to fuck you, you’re saying it isn’t right?” 

“I’m saying, I’m drunk, it’s late, clearly there’s something that’s upsetting you, and I want to know what it is before we do anything else. Tell me, what’s wrong?”

It might’ve been Lee fucking Minho, or it might’ve been something else much stickier for you to admit, but seeing the prince like this, it was too much. He was gorgeous under you, practically angelic looking. 

“I-I’m...complicating things.” You whispered out, and the prince softened even further. 

“That’s what it is? Bee, I told that you don’t have to worry about--” 

“--Yes. Yes I do...your Highness. I-I can’t feel...” 

“Bee--let’s just talk about--” 

The prince might’ve said more, but his words faded into murmurs once you closed his door behind you, then crawled onto the couch in Jeongin and Seungmin’s room, locking their door too. 

~🌹~

Bunch of (Ro)ses!

@minaamhh @dazzlehoseok @synnocence @jjewibeans @hyunsluvv @unexceptional-h @bobawithchaitea @lechanters @sailorhyunjinz @silencefavarchive @eunaeiekim @lunarskzzz

[xenosagaepisodeone]

ok 3.0+1.0 longpost -_-

it’s difficult for me to describe how I feel about 3.0+1.0 as a film because it’s artistic vision is just a 25 year cultivated response to the otaku fixation on nge. this film hardly feels like it can stand on it’s own feet as a coherent story -- it’s constantly introducing and reinterpreting symbols, contexts and concepts in order to lay down some kind of grounded world while also wanting to be evocative of the freeform flow of feelings occurring in EoE/Ep25/26. if this movie was it’s own thing and just living in the shadow of it’s predecessor, I could probably live with it and maybe even say that I liked it, but it’s flip flopping on if it wants the metanarrative to drive the story or if it wants to erect a new mythology of Eva altogether completely squanders maximizing the potential of doing either. what were left with is a very cowardly iteration of the message at the end of nge -- “human connections are important, even if they can be painful” becomes “ if we show you what you wanted to see for the past nearly 30 years, will you grow up now?”

"Defeated" feels like how I would describe the ethos of this film.

reiQ’s farmer adventures were cute, but in a way that felt bittersweet- because this character is not actually rei. not simply because she is not ayanami, but because she carries no actual development from her previous iterations like the other characters of rebuild. reiQ answers the question of “what if rei was actually as moe as she looks in official art” but forgets to pull the rug out from beneath you to unveil the depths of her turmoil. while Ayanami would say “I am not your doll to control”, reiQ has almost every aspect of her character dictated to her by other people - and this is depicted as fulfilling and human (because Anno wants you to get a job and have kids). not even her name is her choice. her sudden death only exists to serve as a motivator for shinji. I wanted to believe that this was some commentary on how a relationship without pain and loss cant exist, but it seems unlikely as rei (1, 2, 3, Q, Ayanami, lilith, etc) does not have an arc in this film. also the TV production quality of the village segment made it feel like I was watching a 12 episode sol as opposed to an actual film.

funnily enough, my feeling towards reiQ made me feel retroactive distaste towards 1.0 and 2.22. I’ve never thought rebuild was good, that much has never been a secret. 1.0 and 2.22 however carried enough over from the original series that it felt like the original characters were picking themselves up and getting better. I was happy seeing asuka, who had previously spent 26 episodes and a movie being miserable, open herself up to happiness. I was happy seeing rei connect more with shinji. even if the characters had to become simplified versions of themselves to find their own peace, it didnt feel thatbad. I didn’t realize until 3.0 came out how little this tetralogy had to it beyond puppeteering iconography and hoping that fans find meaning in it. 3.0 and 3.0+1.0 carried the same conviction of 1.0 and 2.22 of showing you characters you like doing things you wished they did, but with the support of the original series environment withering away to unveil half baked ideas, convoluted plots and meaningless regurgitation of every meaningful image this series has produced. seeing rei stripped even farther than her bare bones as reiQ put into focus what I thought I appreciated about 1.0 and 2.22.

there were a few times throughout this movie where I was trying to figure out what it was that anno was trying to say. as stated in my op paragraph, the film does carry it’s own simplified message about how important it is to grow up and face the real world, but this message largely betrays the framing. its cowardly. the pain that shinji experience does not come from the Other anymore, it is all self inflicted. learning to endure hardship simply became a matter of overcoming your own feelings, because now everyone else in your life effortlessly accepts you. there are 3 girls with who dont have any problems anymore and a solarpunk empire that would be all over you if you simply stood on your own two feet. there is no asuka experiencing hedgehog dilemma with shinji, there’s only asuka who exists so shinji can learn how to confess to a girl. there is no misato constantly subjecting shinji to a interplay of projecting her issues onto him and attempting to mother him (with varying degrees of success), there’s just shinjis step mom who accepts that she is responsible for him (which feels GREAT to see but feels bad when you think about what it sacrificed to get there). for a guy whose complicated relationship with otaku culture has bled into his work, you would think that idealistic fantasy of the real world wouldnt be the crutch of the delivering his message. when I say that “defeated” is the ethos of this film, I mean that it is so lacking in purpose compared to its predecessors that it wears itself thin trying to superficially have something for every conceivable audience while throwing out the meat of why people liked those things in the first point.

I was surprised to see that it was gendo who survived as the most introspective part of the film. i’m conflicted towards how I feel about a gendo redemption arc, but I feel as if his instrumentality sequence itself was decently shot (I hate having to compare it to ep 25/26 but it lacks the artistic flare for such a big budget film) and very well articulated. there’s a beautiful story in here about realizing your parents are people and parents realizing the responsibility they owe to their children, but I wish it could have been explored in a different film where characters are less held back by their established canon. honestly watching this whole sequence made me wonder if anno is still friendly with goro miyazaki LMAO

I was largely uninterested in the fight scenes, I think the only one that genuinely made me feel something was the one towards the end where asuka turns into an angel. the poor fight choreography coupled with weird shot composition and the overbearing usage of cg makes fight sequences overbearing and kind of difficult to decipher. cg fights are largely 1 eva vs a swarm of enemies that take up the screen, all of them having the same line weight which just ends up making all parties involved look like a mesh of colors. there arent real stakes for the most part either, asuka and mari tear through waves of enemies with effortless precision accuracy in a way that isnt visually or technically impressive.

believe it or not, I don’t actually dislike Mari. Mari enacts what Anno sought to do with the Rebuilds -- to destroy Evangelion. Mari (literally!) falls out of the sky into the story and is not gripped by the pain of the hedgehog’s dilemma as she exhibits her adoration for most things. her romance with shinji is intentionally analogous to how anno perceives his relationship with his wife -- that she saved him by encouraging him to live in the real world. the actual, textual ridiculousness in her character is softened when you realize that she’s just another component of his 4 movie long exhibition of telling everyone his life is better now that he’s successful and has a hot and talented wife.

is it worth complaining about all the crotch or ass shots. i think we all feel the same way about it. anyway i have more thoughts but these are my loose ones.