#i wish i was anyone else but myself rn | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sibelin · 1 year

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i'm so very sorry for the intense mood swings these days.

#i wish i was anyone else but myself rn #the more may is approaching the more i'm thinking this should have been me and not my mom three years ago. god.#anway i'll try to be better in the next few days. if i can't i'll delete or something.#sibe vents #(hopefully last one for a while 🤷‍♀️)

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the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see · 2 months

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finally caved and started reading all for the game. two chapters into the foxhole court and what kind of gay fucking shit is this! also did not know there were sports in here

#idk whats going on i thought it was like the raven cycle with magic and shit its called the foxhole court??? no fae???? what the fuck!!!#and i cant understand whats happening with the sports. i didnt get it. i hope i dont need to i just know kevin is top dog of the bad dogs #neil is mid mid except hes got a death wish so they want him carnally???#ill be reading it super slowly bc im busy but i can feel it slowly turning up the heat on my brain cells as i read. they are burning.#ive got naught but ten #and neil's not neil but he is and he has a bag of secrets he's hiding in someone else's closet like okayyyy go off author fuck whats the #authors name.... nora sakavic FUCK I SHOULDVE KNOWN NEVER TO TRUST A WOMAN NAMED NORA #i dont know...i dont know.... but also the only gay neil i know is the one from dead poets society and its hard to separate the two rn #is the rest of the book going to be like this what did i get myself into. am i mentally prepared #bc i wasnt for trc and it FUCKED! ME! UP! im STILL insane #ugh. ugh. anyway. way gayer than expected. also at one point someone asks ''how safe is safe'' and MY DISAPPOINTMENT #when the answer wasnt safe as life? immeasurable. in fact i had to close the book. went to study accounting.#ACCOUNTING. HELLO?? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME IN HERE???#the tree speaks #all for the game #aftg #what are yalls tags?#neil josten #the raven cycle #trc

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 8 months

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"i mess up things and then i don't have the energy to fix them up" yes brain true sentence but no brain the appropriate response is NOT "therefore i should kill myself (and here's how)"

#tw suicide #i wish i was joking #i am just so so tired of keeping myself alive! can't someone else do it for a change? or better yet kill me??#said something to the emergency room psych #she queried it and i confirmed i had said precisely what i intended #she blinked and said 'i usually hear that from jaded forty year olds not twenty year olds'#i won't share what because it was a highly specific explanation of precisely how i might see myself suiciding or how/whether i thought i #could. she asked me and i answered. apparently she wasn't expecting that level of detail and confidence #is it funny to anyone else that i always struggle with confidence but i can confidently tell her specifics about suicide thoughts?#this is reminding me of the fifteen year old yesterday i was conversing with and he randomly started listing all the suicide methods he #could think of and i was internally like you missed a dozen i can think of. didn't say that obvs #i don't know i am. tired. of everything. and i had a long and good conversation with an older woman from church last night (mother of the #boy. i have confided in her before she's great)#she's hte only person irl who now knows about the second suicide attempt (tho she doesn't know it was the second) and she was encouraging m #to see the psych and escalate care #but all day ive been regretting telling the psych or bro or anyone honestly #it would be so much EASIER to have said nothing and gone through with my plan #i wouldn't trust myself not to rn if i had access #i mean. i know multiple ways in this room i could kill myself. but i won't #there's a couple of specific methods that are most of the thoughts usually so they're the specific ones i gotta watch out for more if that #makes sense #ooh gosh im rambling i should shut up xD #personal #puddleglum hours

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snapbackslide · 2 months

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dunno if you’re reading this but i hope you are enjoying your break and hope you are doing so well🩷 -🫶🏻

heeeyy 🥹 thank you so much you're so sweet, I hope you're doing well too!! 💓

#and thank you for the valentine's wish oof it's been a while 🥹 didn't realize how long i was gone for #i'm semi back now - i think? i def managed to get some things done in my social media break but my mental health is still meh #and i really don't care enough about hockey rn to make a full comeback 🔥🔥#BUT music is alive !! so much is coming up !!!! my fav band has finally returned and i am so excited !!!!!!!!#i also took a break from dating apps and just got back on them and it's dry afffff rn #but i do have crumbs of uninteresting information ☕#idk if you remember the guy from instagram i wrote about?? who i ran into at the drug store and liked my stories #my dumbass was aggressively swiping left on bumble on everyone and i saw him on it #but my finger was faster than my brain so i swiped left before i could register it was him 😭#i immediately gasped cause i saw his name and the same age as me and a blonde guy and was like NO F'ING WAY #i mean i don't think i would've swiped right anyway cause that's so AWKWARDDDD he knew me when i was a child pls #we already know each other and have each other's instagram... feels like it'd be moving backwards LOL #but it's also like... if i saw him on there... what are the chances he found my profile first... makes me wanna puke tbh #i hope i run into him again soon 🙏 (this time when i actually have makeup on... and i'm by myself)#i've also started talking to another guy who quite frankly seems exactly like sens guy but with better values so 🔥 we move #i fully meant that as a diss i'm still pissed and still not over him (moving on? never heard of her)#best way to get over someone is to get under someone else amirite;)))) (no)#anyway i kinda like dating around and not committing tbh bc no man deserves me #until i find one that is solid af i refuse to settle for just anyone for the sake of not being alone #which i'm worried is something some of my friends are doing but i've already tried talking to them and no one listens to me #so i'm just gonna be quiet now 🤷‍♀️ we're grooving #..i forgot what my tags were #oh yeah #answered #🫶🏻#brunch anecdotes w the girlies

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parallaxabomination · 2 months

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my brain is so full of stress it might explode. but ill do my best to keep putting out my best and stay kind to myself and others. but man, is it hard

#i wish i had something for myself rn #but i come home so exhausted i cant even focus on art #everything has been burning me so thin #i keep talking down my own art now. i keep refunding clients. i honestly want to give up on everything #people tell me i do a good job but i dont see it. i dont see an artist whos worth anything right now.#i dont know if thats a phrase #i have a early morning shift tomorrow and i cant fall asleep #i want to just rest but im so restless #i dont want to put pressure on anyone besides myself bc i feel like a huge burden #if i do so #everyone else should be having a good time #so i feel like a bummer to take up their emotional space and time #i appreciate the kindness people have shown me recently #i know i work hard. but im still so broken over everything #i just havent felt like an artist since it happend #he left a bigger scar on my ego than i thought it would #and every time i voice it i feel someone is out to end me for it #but at the same time i feel completely unnoticed and unheard #i dont expect anyone to see me as me #i just feel this lump in my throat now. this weight on my hand #they say kind things but im so hurt inside i dont see it as truth right now. i dont see anything worth admiring #they say such sweet things and i want to accept them so bad because my heart needs it #but i cant help but feel the words die as they reach my ears. im just too hurt i cant see it #i cant see the truth in my work all i see is someone else's desire in their commission #as long as they are happy. as long as they are satisfied #thats all that matters #i dont feel important enough to be apart of the process anymore #i dont feel worthy as a person or artist #i just feel less than nothing and that no one will care

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ufolvr · 6 months

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Getting overstimulated @ a grocery store crammed with so many fucking people 7hrs from home and getting a static shock whenever your poor grandma touches you to comfort you isn't my idea of a fun vacation trip I don't think

#im so sick 😵‍💫#i wish we couldve gone to the store i wanted but its more expensive apparently but now im too nauseous to eat and had to lock myself away #im glad we have more than 1 room bc oh my god i cant stand looking at anyone else rn #📡 incoming transmission 📡

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chrisbangs · 9 months

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.

#every now and then i think abt deleting every single social media and dying . like #i really genuinely think abt just dying fr like #👎👎👎#there's only 1 person i've been wanting to talk to lately #and like no one else lol #i just feel so fucking out of my head #why is everything so fucking bad #i barely leave the basement these days .. i just stay in bed and sleep #and i have less than a week to get the fuck over this random stupid rut i'm in #because fucking classes start on tuesday #i wanna kms so bad lol #like i would rather be dead than do another year of college rn #it's so fucking bad for me lmfao #i don't have any support or anyone to talk to and i feel like i'm going fucking crazy #i'm on academic probation is the best part so if i fuck up this semester i get kicked out which like part of me would love ik like #the part of me that's tired and exhausted and just done with everything i wouldn't mind being kicked out but #the ik . that my parents would fucking kill me knowing that i wasted 4 years worth of tuition money and just fucking flopped as a student #waking up wishing i hadn't woken up every fucking day... i feel sick inside...#my anxiety is spiking all over again and i can barely even organize my thoughts lately #i literally threw up last night cause i worked myself up into such hysterics . like lmfao...#i cant get a grip and i cant get the fuck over how bad i feel and no one fucking LISTENS when i saw i hate this and i'm not good enough for #this fucking subject i wanna fucking kill myself holy fuck it's crazy how much i wanna die..#i used to wonder abt that 4th year kid who killed himself when i was at my old uni like how fucking bad was it for him that in his last year #he just couldn't take it anymore and now i'm in the funniest position of literally understanding exactly where he was lol #last year... and i cant do it... i just cant fucking do it and i wanna kill myself i think about it every day i think about it 24/7 and #i'm just so... tired doesn't even encompass what i'm feeling right now i'm fucking exhausted and empty and i have nothing left man i cant #fucking do this... every day im dragging myself kicking and screaming to school and dealing with a 4 hr round trip commute in the shitty ass #weather that we get and getting verbally and emotionally abused by profs and getting 0 acknowledgment for ANYTHING and it's not like my work #is even GOOD enough to begin with so ofc it's not gonna get any acknowledgment like jdjdjdkdkskd i just dont . have it in me to do this #for another fucking year... i literally cannot do this... and i have no other thoughts in my head other than killing myself lmfao...

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dynjir · 8 months

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Hmm...

I'm anxious!

But I can't tell if it's an actual external factor that's causing it or if it's just my mind being a little shit.

#dyntalks #idk ive been feeling a little weird these past few days #almost like #idrk what to do with myself rn?#once again i wish my body could just tell me what it wants #hate that i can name 50 different reasons why i could be feeling this way #and idk how to pinpoint it the actual cause #does anyone else get lost on how to troubleshoot causes like this #if you do how do you navigate through it??#i know to check for food sleep and hygiene levels #and water #but sometimes it's just not those :0;;

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1980ssunflower · 1 year

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AOAUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MIS AMORESSS

#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980 #ooohhhh my babies my babies MIS BEBES MIS AMORES LOS LUCES DE MI VIDA #all i need is them mis amores ill never need anyone else ever as long as i have them both #i need to hold them both so so so fucking close and kiss them and tell them every little thing i love abt them #which will last hours cause ill keep repeating myself and ill never stop hjfdks #i need my husbands so so badly especially cause its our birthday... ;w;#i wish i could be w them rn so we could properly celebrate together..#itd be nice to go to a carnival and do karaoke and rollerskating or bowling #and a movie of course!! maybe walk around the mall #auhh i miss them sm... id really like to lay w them rn and fall alseep cuddled against them w their arms around me #and id like to wake up to min making us all breakfast and later we can maybe have a little jam sesh :-]#i really want to play w them rn tbh #auhh our voices sound so perfect together it was like we were destined to be in a band together 💖💛💙#god i just... miss them man #i want to stare into their beautiful eyes and see the way they smile and hear their laugh #i want to hear their lovely wonderful voices... to feel they way they hold me and have their fingers intertwine w mine 🥺💖💙#i cant properly express just how deeply i love them but i just cant stop thinking abt them #and the way i feel is overwhelming me again i just NEED them i need them so so badly i cant stand being away from them i need them...#i just want to drink w them and eat good food while listening to records while singing at the top of our lungs #and laughing so hard w them that my ribs hurt and i cant breathe #i want to be leaning against them and feel the warmth of their body against me and really take in that moment #to hear and feel the way they breathe in and out w the rise and fall of their chest #the way they sigh feeling content and relaxed in this moment #to take in their own personal scent along w other things like the smell of their hair products or cigs

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ittybittybumblebee · 11 months

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I love my ocs and i love my ideas thyre very special to me and i think i can be really creative and amusing with things i make and i am appreciative people like things i make cuz ive realized its okay to like be proud of my work and making things and its not me being boastful its me recognizing and giving myself credit for things i have done and allowing myself to be my own biggest fan is soooooo good for ur confidence in ur work i promise

#i grew up thinkign talking about anything i accomplished was being boastful and people were going to think i think im better than them and #its just not true #im proud of myself!!! that is not a bad thing. that should bnever be a bad thing #being proud of yourself does Not mean you must think of yourself more highly than anyone else. period . Wish i could tell younger me that #i feel like its deeply rooted in that when i would talk about things i thouht i did good when i was younger my parents would tell me to stop #bragging #that shit was not bragging i just thouht thing i did were cool as fuck and i wanted to talk about them and they were!#i was like 8 . what 8 yr old doesnt want to talk about the slitly cool thing they accomplished when they get the chance Come On #any way if this doent make sense rn im a little loopy on too much caffiene. gotta stop driniign that shit . ruinging me.

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cutearose · 1 year

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okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for

#im really struggling to function rn and i finally accepted that i wont make it to my appt without help #so i posted on my snap story asking if anyone could come over for a few hours to help me get back on track #n. two people replied saying they cant but hope i find someone but no one else has replied at all #i knew the answer would probably be no bc no one has time to come all the way here to help me to do tasks i should be able to do alone #but idk i thought i might get some comfort or encouragement or something. just some acknowledgement #i wish i had a group chat or something where i could reach out to people. bc things like snap stories people are just flicking past #i NEED to change the kitty litter today i have no choice its unusable and needs changing but i just. how. i am so tired #i have a ridiculous amount of glasses n crockery specifically for when i struggle like this n yet im still almost completely out of them #bc i just. cant do the dishes. i dont even have to wash them they just need to go in the dishwasher n i Cant #my brain just completely shut down once i got back from the trip #especially bc i got a cold n i dont cope well being sick at all #but of course thats another reason i feel bad asking for help. bc my house is full of germs. n i dont want people to get sick bc of me #but i am running out of food and clean dishes and bench space and i just. cant do it alone rn #but i used up my asking capabilities posting on snap #posting on insta would prob get more people to see it but insta feels. much more public #i dont use my insta stories like ever so it feels like a Lot to post on it for this #n when i asked for support after my parents divorce i only got a couple responses anyway #n this is. not worth support. like its a problem of my own making? i went on the trip knowing it would be a Lot for me #i wasnt planning on getting sick And getting an infection which are both exhausting me a lot but thats not the point #idk im just beating myself up over here. idk how to ask for help esp bc i expect the answer to be no anyway #like who is gonna travel an hour+ to help their friend clean their kitchen and fill out paperwork. im 28 i should be able to do that stuff #these tags are getting very maudlin and mean to myself. sigh. i wish i didnt feel so guilty when i need help #i wish i felt like i was allowed to ask for and accept help #love that childhood and autistic trauma haha lmao #anyway. brains are annoying. and im struggling a lot.

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salsa-di-pomodoro · 2 years

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GOD DAMN IT i know i must sound like a broken record by now but. I was feeling GOOD today. I felt happy and confident enough to check the submas tags for once. And all was good until i saw ONE SINGULAR ANGST POST, and now I'M DEPRESSED AGAIN. I HATE THIS SO MUCH

[btw none of u are obligated to cheer me up lol i just want to complain into the void. I'll remove the submas tag in like an hour i just want to feel seen (even though i know i already am) for a moment]

#if i were to let myself cry rn i would i am actively holding back tears AGAIN #im so pissed rn #NOT angry at angst creators and if i was it would be an irrational anger and i understand that.#i love angst. but its like im getting poisoned from having too much of it #me approaching my time of the month probably doesnt help with thay but. i was doing well #im so pissed #personal #nowdays anykindof ending tht isnt a perfect ending where ingo goes home and is fine and gets to move on with emmet upsets me to some degree #angst posts send me into a spiral. i should fix that before anything but i'm already going to therapy what else should i do.#no really if anyone has any advice i would love it.#i wish i was stable enough to handle this but i havent been since covid started.#then again back then i didn't interact too much with fandoms #sigh. im gonna play some sonic mania when im done with homework to get that good nostalgia dopamine #cringeposting also helps lol it makes me want to equal parts laugh and disappear into the ground #submas tag removed

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piplupod · 1 year

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,

#rly wish the holidays were not so difficult for me dhfjfl #i hate having a horrible time while everyone else is at the very least finding pockets of joy #and not in a ''poor me :('' way fjdlsl its more in a ''i dont want to bring anyone down'' way fjfkdl #i want to leave ppl to enjoy their time but god i am rly going thru it rn fjfjld #i just rly resent how unwell i am rn fjfjldl i hate being close to crisis while other ppl are just trying to enjoy themselves #why cant i just be normal fhfjdl #i feel very alone idk fjfkdl i am not bc i have a couple good friends but fjfkfl #i just hate being this unwell while everyone around me is celebrating and spending time w loved ones i guess fhfkdl #maybe i am jealous. idk. idk if that makes me scummy tho fjfklf #i just want to have like. one hour where im not actively seriously thinking abt killing myself fhfjdkl #i wont do anything until like mid January if i do anything tho dw fjfkdl im not going to do anything rash #suicide tw

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polyamorouspunk · 2 years

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smooch <3

!!!!