#i would love to see them cry of course and it happens often in reconciliation fics/fanart etc

[kaeyapilled]

wheres that post thats like. ragbros reconciliation content needs more screaming and yelling at each other. whoever said that you are SO right

[bcbdrums]

(Not the same anon) You just made me realize that they actually gave Drakgo that development of letting Drakken and Shego be apart/ grow away from each other and then coming back to each other at the end.

And about Kim and Ron.

Even though I am a Kim/Ron shipper I pretty much agree with almost everything you said:

There is some degree of unspoken codependency between Kim and Ron and this gets explored in a see episodes (like a sitch in time, grudge match) but it doesn’t get further than that does it?

And Kim, I’ve discussed this before, but it’s 100% true.

She doesn’t have any identity of her own, it seems her identity is “the girl who saves the world, the one who can do anything” and even Ron questioned her about this “anything, even fail”.

And this is something I’ve seen that I find it funny, but it indirectly made me aware of it.

1/14

Whew! All righty, there's a lot to get into here! First of all, thanks for the ask!!!

I think in the end, the characters people love the most are those characters who are flawed. And if not the characters themselves, those who face a natural hardship. But in the end if the characters aren't deep, even that hardship won't hold our interest.

Look at a character like Bruce Wayne/Batman. We're so deeply drawn to him because he is never gonna be fixed. If the man were to resolve his issues, we would lose interest. Or, take the example of when many TV shows reach their end: they end with a marriage or birth. It's as if once characters have achieved their ideal happily ever after, there's no more story to tell. There is of course, but it's that deep relational growth that hooks us. That's why romance/intimate friendship dominates in fiction.

In the case of Drakgo, like you said, they were given a chance to be separated and then come back together. Now, the writers failed to show us that reconciliation onscreen (and to whoever sent me an ask about that in particular, I haven't forgotten! I have a very full askbox.) But Drakken and Shego are developed enough throughout the show with quirks, flaws, and other hardships already faced, that we can make some reasonable guesses about how they come back together. And write some great fanfic, too!

I personally have never been a fan of 'going to the extreme' in fanfic. It often comes across as just glorifying something unsavory. For example, a fic in which Sherlock is kidnapped and let's politely call it 'abused' in a variety of graphic ways is not selling character development for me. eMoTiOnAl DaMaGe is development, people may cry, and so on and so forth. But in the end? Those types of fics are just those in which the writer/reader wants an extremely heavy emotional connection of whatever form suits them, and they're kind of...'one size fits all'? Change the character names/settings and you can throw them in any fandom basically. Copy-paste. All that to say, any fic where Kim is suddenly out on the streets just doesn't sell 'Kim Possible' to me. Everything you explained so very well boils down to the fact that none of that is in character. Her family disowning her? Ron failing her? It would have to be an extremely skilled author to convince me of any of that, but I just can't see it happening. If it's out of character, it's out of character. That's all there is to it.

Now let's look at the format for nearly every episode: [Villain] commits [crime] and Kim and Ron must stop them while Ron deals with [comedic side-plot of the week]. That's basically the show. But in this way, Ron becomes the character we fell in love with due to his facing various trials in life. And I think because of this development, because we're allowed to see so many of Ron's private moments, his devotion to Kim means all the more and when we root for Kim/Ron, it really feels like we're rooting for Ron. Every example you gave... If there had even been half as many moments where the tables were turned... Kim going across the world for Ron, Kim giving up a job for Ron's sake... We never see that. And thus we just don't feel the depth of their relationship on her end of it. She just isn't developed, and yet, is established just well enough that she's kind of in this...limbo, where it's hard to do anything with her. It's ironically easier to do something with background characters such as Tara, who are given a personality but overall are a blank slate. There's enough to go on to do something believable and in-character. But with Kim we have too much and not enough.

One of my favorite Kim moments is actually in yet another Ron-development-heavy episode, A Very Possible Christmas (Ron and Drakken stranded together... I'd watch an hour of that!). But when Kim checks every escape pod and Ron isn't in any of them? We see her cry. And we see a brief moment of real vulnerability between her and her mom. The show does have some few and far between moments like that which give her a bit more depth. Another example is her barely-controlled anger when Bonnie kisses Ron. Those are the gems we need to look for in terms of who is Kim on a deeper level. And while overall their development is mostly in regards to their relationship with each other, Ron still gets all of the individual development while Kim gets...basically zero. She did grow between the four seasons, as you said, but not much.

I personally ignore the Kim-hate and thus can't actually say what any of it is, excepting the little you mentioned. I personally do not see anything to hate? I can't hook onto her season one behavior as anything to dislike because I can't separate myself from knowing that the writers were still figuring out the characters. It's much more interesting to think about Kim’s behavior as a fourteen year old's pubescent emotions toward her bestie/crush than so-called mistreatment of him. And any of Ron's low moments I feel can't be used as justification since he always learns from them by the end of the episode and genuinely grows. All these stories you mention... They're the sort of thing I never click, because they're just so blatantly out of character. Not saying people can't write what they want, but it holds zero interest for me. I scroll past.  And all those Ron-with-girl or Ron-harem fics...  Let’s face it.  Those are just to see the nerdy guy get the hot girl.  Plain and simple.  Probably writers projecting in many cases.  People can write whatever they want, but yeah...  Just another...one size fits all, copy-paste sort of fic sitch.

The irony in thinking about all those fics is, the greatest 'punishment' for Kim or Ron simply would be being apart from one another. They've never had to do that. Ron says it in So the Drama: he spent one summer away from her. Since Pre-K, they've always been together. He goes on family vacations with her, eats dinner at her house, spends Christmas there even though it's not his holiday. They ARE inseparable and that's why Sitch in Time's plan was so brilliant, AND So the Drama. Only thing in the latter Drakken could have done better was also create a syntho-hottie to distract Ron. But no one ever considers the Ron factor~

Kim and Ron can be separated in college and have a long-distance relationship without horrible things happening, as you say. They can just be normal and in that find character development. Whether they break up or not, the best thing for them would be time apart. They'll have the greatest chance at long-term success together if they have that opportunity to grow individually. It's not saying they're doomed to fail if they don't have time apart. Just that it would be good for them. And even if they did break up for awhile, I can never see them not being best friends.

Thinking about it more, Kim does get some minor issues in the show. Not wanting to be mentored by a janitor. Being too busy to honor all her commitments. Having to get past embarrassment.  But somehow the show never treats them with the same depth as Ron's things.  But it feels like she never actually learns from them, since beating up the bad guys comes first. And as you say, it always comes back to her being the girl who can do anything. I do truly wish she'd had more depth in the show, but overall that wasn't the point. It was about a girl version of James Bond/Indiana Jones.

Now, can an action adventure series with protagonists who just beat up the bad guys endure? Oh yes. "In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court by a crime they didn't commit..." But there again, in the case of The A-Team those characters had some very distinct development. Where our female version of those beloved guys, Kim, just doesn't. A college story that really digs into who she is besides the girl who can do anything would appeal greatly. Just like you said, putting her in an environment where she's just one of the crowd. A story like that would be challenging to write, but it feels like the sort of thing that should go right alongside a story of Ron being on his own. I think that's where I would take it, personally. And to satisfy my own interests, Kim's growing up would probably start with Ron breaking up with her to be with Yori. Not maliciously of course, just a natural course of events. And then Kim would find one thing in her life that she cannot solve, and that's the first step into growing up. The ideas were already burning in my head, Anon, but you're stirring them up!

I cannot let go of Clean Slate because of Drakgo. Was Kim weird in that ep? Oh yes. But I watch everything through a Drakgo lens soooooooooooooo... It's a pretty good ep for Drakgo character development. Aren't they all, though? ;D Speaking of...since you are so thoughtful a person, have you any thoughts on my fave two characters?

[ladyandherbooks]

Hi @ladyandherbooks. Anon here. Hope all is well. Always love your blog. Keep being awesome, fam.💜

I honestly think it's still incomprehensible to me sometimes that some youtubers I've watched discussing TDP talk so harshly and so negatively about Runaan and his relationship with Rayla, that they don't see him as a father to her. While I admit that it's because there is a lot of important and critical information about the Moonfam backstory/flashbacks still missing or how Runaan and Rayla's relationship was like before the events of S1, with the exception of Bloodmoon Huntress, they continously see Runaan in such a horrible light and saying some things along the lines of like "why is Rayla crying over Runaan in S5E1, that they want Rayla to feel anger, resentment and conflicted with him, that it doesn't make her emotions real, that they were never even close, that Runaan didn't even care about Rayla in the beginning, why are the writers disregarding her emotions, especially since in the beginning of S1 he tried to kill her. Which obviously was never in Runaan's agenda and was never his intention to begin with.

While I think that it's a bit overkill, I truly believe that the writers would never ignore this. I really think that they will have some way of telling and confronting this on-screen because they know that Runaan will have a lot to answer for once he's freed, especially being confronted by some of those heartbreaking and damaging moments with Rayla, which he will have some apologies to make to Rayla.

It really makes me curious how they will bring the moonfam into the storyline. Of course, since Aaron Ehasz confirmed we'll be learning about Runaan and his important story.

I apologize for the long post. I just wish some of them would look deeper or be more optimistic about Runaan and the Moonfam.

Thoughts?

Hi anon,

Firstly, thank you, that was very sweet and very nice to hear that someone enjoys my theories and tdp posts so much.

Secondly, I tend to ignore youtube comments as they're often just wrong, ridiculous, over the top, take your pick. For example I recently saw someone comment on a clip of Kimdael's fight with Janai where the commenter stated that Janai was a much stronger and more skilled warrior than Runaan because she beat Kimdael. Which was confusing and wrong as Janai never defeated Kim'dael in battle and the only reason Kim'dael left her later was because her own life was on the line. Not to mention that it's also very hard to compare them as warriors given their very different skill sets and fighting styles.

In general I think it would be best for you to just ignore these commenters and fellow tdp fans as I suspect that these seemingly anti Runaan fans are probably not going to be happy with whatever happens to him in the next 2 seasons, especially in regards to his relationship to Rayla, especially if they can't understand how much Rayla loves him and how much he also canonically loves her too. They'll never be satisfied with any reconciliation, forgiveness or heartwarming moments between them, not when they've convinced themselves that Runaan is the bad guy who's never truly loved Rayla.

Just stay or create a little pro Moonfam bubble for yourself and block, ignore, cut out anyone who doesn't also love the Moon fam and want good things for them.

As for the Moon fam being brought into the storyline I have 2 ideas for you.

1) Runaan knows who Aaravos is and knew about his mirror so he must know some important info and possibly even be descended from someone who helped to imprison him.

2) I do think that at least the Moon family and Dragang will be staying in the Silvergrove at the end of season 6, the timeskip between seasons 6 and 7 and at least the beginning of season 7. It would allow a lot of characters to stay in 1 place, safe and hidden from Aaravos and his allies etc and would also allow for the conclusion of the Kim'dael arc as we now that she also lives in the Moonshadow forest. Plus it would be nice to see things switched up, where instead of Rayla staying with humans, the humans now stay with Rayla and her fellow Moonshadow elves.

I could also see some other characters, namely Janai, Amaya, Gren, Corvus and Kazi also staying there too, especially if Karim triumphs in the Civil War. It would also ensure that Janai could also face Kim'dael again after their last encounter and perhaps even some drama regarding her knowledge of the Bloodmoon Huntress and her family's inaction when it came to stopping her from killing and at the very least, the decision to not tell the Moonshadow elves of her existence and home.

[femalehumanoid]

Fluff Alphabet - Keevan

A ctivities – What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Keevan likes to spend an occasional evening simply talking to you. Let’s face it – the list of his psychological issues and traumas is a lengthy one, but he adamantly refuses to see a counselor, so that leaves the only person he can trust – you. He tells you stories from his past, ranging from funny and entertaining to tragic and horrible; for the most part you just listen, offering an appropriate comment here and there or squeezing his hand in encouragement. You have long since learned that tearing up and trying to hug him outright is a bad idea in such moments – he sees it as pity and closes up immediately, refusing to reveal anything remotely close to personal for weeks afterwards.

But your talks are not always about his past – in fact, your discussion topics are vastly varied. He’s lived many lifetimes and knows a lot, so he has an opinion on just about everything. He relishes finally being able to discuss his true thoughts without having to constantly look over his shoulder and filter which opinions are safe to share and which ones could be used against him.

As for other activities, Keevan’s a bit of a hedonist, so he wouldn’t say no to a day at a holosuite spa or a short trip to the pleasure planet together. Freedom from the Dominion didn’t make him any less of an asshole, so when you’re in public – say, lounging at the beach on Risa – he’ll occasionally make scathing (and, unfortunately, quite funny) observations about the passersby under his breath. You feel bad for snickering at the especially insulting comments, but ultimately don’t have the heart to tell him off because he looks so pleased with himself when he manages to make you laugh.

B eauty – What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Being a Vorta, Keevan is of course devoid of an aesthetic sense as such. That doesn’t mean that he can’t deduce by the reactions of others that you are beautiful – and boy, does it stroke his ego to see people eyeing you with appreciation (and him with jealousy) when you dress up and go out in public together.

While he can’t fully perceive your beauty visually, he admires your lips for their softness, your hands for their warmth, your eyes for the way you look at him.

On a more general note, what Keevan appreciates most about you is your behavior towards him. Sure, you have many other admirable qualities – you’re fun, and charming, and intelligent – but he’s met a plethora of fun, charming and intelligent people, and you’re the only one who truly loves and accepts him.

C omfort – how would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Before he met you, Keevan had very little experience in comforting another person or providing genuine emotional support, so he’ll be somewhat stiff the first few times you show this type of vulnerability in front of him. But as soon as he’ll realize you’re looking to him for comfort, he’ll soften and open his arms for an embrace. Next thing you know, you’ll be sitting on his lap, telling him your woes and being sweet-talked to death.

By the way, if the reason for your distress is another person, you can rest assured that they would regret what they did – Keevan would make sure of it.

D reams -  How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Keevan is happy to leave the decision of where you’re going to live fully in your hands, but if you were to ask him, he’d recommend a smaller planet with comfortable climate and of little strategic value (so that it’d be left alone if another war were to erupt). But even though he’s mostly indifferent towards the finer details of your life together, it doesn’t mean that he’s not thinking about the future. The longer you are together, the clearer it becomes to him that one lifetime with you wouldn’t be enough. So, he starts to make discreet inquiries with his old contacts at various cloning facilities – is the Dominion technology suitable for cloning a human? How would one go about it? You won’t hear a word of it until Keevan knows for sure it’s possible, and one day he nonchalantly drops the offer on you like it’s not one of the most life-changing decisions with plenty of questionable ethical implications. In his mind, the decision has already been made, and he’s not above manipulating you into accepting if that means he gets to be with you forever.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or are they rather passive?

On the surface Keevan might appear passive, simply because he doesn’t expend energy caring about most things. You want to take an assignment on a different planet? Fine, he’ll come along - as long as you’ll have enough free time to devote to him, that is. You’re feeling frisky and want to explore your dominant side? Oh, he’s way into that.

In the past, when he was a servant of the Dominion, he had to constantly assert his dominance to keep his position, but nowadays he mostly reserves those impulses for the bedroom. However, there are some things he’s not willing to compromise on at all. You’re not going on that dangerous mission even if he has to tie you to the bed. That ex of yours that recently came into your life again and is behaving suspiciously flirty? Oh look, a week later they’ve decided to take a trip to another part of the galaxy and not return, totally of their own accord.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How is their fighting?

For both your sakes, let’s hope you’re more diplomatic than he is. Fighting with Keevan goes one of two ways – it’s either a nightmare because he knows exactly what to say to make it hurt, OR your heated exchange turns into an even more heated reconciliation and you both forget what you were fighting about in the first place.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Even if Keevan doesn’t often show it, he is grateful. He knows he’s not the easiest person to get along with, and he is aware of the effort you’re putting into the relationship and into helping him through his issues even when he’s being a total prick.

He does try to smooth his edges when he’s around you (around others, not so much) and takes note of the little things that make you happy – how you light up when he takes your hand, or when he remembers how you take your morning beverage – and consciously does it more often.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything? 

Keevan wouldn’t necessarily call them ‘secrets’, simply certain information that you don’t need to know. Some details of his past, for example – stories that could traumatize you – and why would he do that to a person he loves? You will rarely catch him lying to you outright, but some things he simply omits, like how he’s convinced your colleague to back off from that assignment you really wanted.

Also, he often has trouble sharing his emotions, partly because he’s been repressing them for so long that even he can’t get to the bottom of what he’s feeling at times.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Your relationship has transformed both of you in some respects. It might not have been smooth sailing, especially in the beginning, but it’s the healthiest relationship Keevan’s ever been in, and you’ve been gradually helping him heal and move on from a lot of trauma of his past. As for you, Keevan has taught you to be more assertive and you learned to accept the darker parts of your own psyche like you accepted the worst sides of his.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Keevan is extremely prone to jealousy, and he doesn’t bother to hide it. He likes to cultivate a reputation of a person who’s not to be crossed, and with his sadistic streak scaring people comes easily to him. That way, he can be reasonably sure no-one is going to dare take what’s his – namely, you. 

But if he catches you being too friendly (in his opinion) to, say, some bar patron, he won’t hesitate to come up and insert himself into the conversation, only to artfully insult the unfortunate person, smirking and possessively holding your hip all the while. If you think getting punched in the face by a huge Klingon for such behavior would deter him, you’d be dead wrong.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

He’s a wonderful kisser – and very intense. Your first kiss happened in the middle of a heated argument, one moment you were getting in each other’s face, angrily flushing pink and aubergine respectfully, and the next you’re furiously kissing and knocking down the nearby furniture in an attempt to pin the other to the wall.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Not in a healthy way, I’m afraid. For the longest time, he would be in denial as to the nature of his feelings towards you. Lust, he could understand – but you seem to behave in a way that implies deeper feelings. Out of curiosity, he would let himself get closer to you, and after a while he’d discover with great surprise that he has developed feelings towards you as well. Weaknesses like that tended to get one killed in the Dominion (and that’s the best-case scenario), and despite the big changes after the war, that fear would still be fresh in his mind. But even regardless of that, getting seriously involved with someone would bring out a myriad of other fears and insecurities. What if it doesn’t work out? What if he opens up to you and that scares you off? What if he becomes attached and something happens to you? It’s safer not to get involved. Without explanation, he’d start avoiding you, thereby hurting your feelings, and one night when you’re crying, drinking wine and nursing your broken heart, you decide that enough is enough and you deserve an explanation. You march to his quarters and barge in as soon as the doors slide open, to Keevan’s astonishment and slight indignation (since when are you so bold?). After that, there’s a lot of shouting, finger pointing and angry confessions, followed by passionate kissing. The next morning, you’d hear a whisper that sounds a lot like ‘I love you’ while you’re still half-asleep in his bed, but you’re not sure if that really happened or if you dreamt it.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

If you want to get married, you’re going to have to explain to him the significance of that ritual because Keevan doesn’t really understand why you need to involve the government, or even worse – god – in your personal affairs. Although your explanation won’t likely change his mind on the matter, if he sees that you really, really want to get married, he’ll concede. But under no circumstances will Keevan agree to a religious ceremony of any sort – his experiences with gods (i.e. the Founders) have embittered him to any form of religion, so he’ll never sully the matter of such intimacy and importance as your union with mentions of any god, be they real or imaginary.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

Pet, darling, sweet thing. Princess, in certain situations (😉). He starts out using the nicknames sarcastically, but at some point it becomes one of his ways to show genuine affection towards you.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious to others? How do they express their feelings?

At first, Keevan in love seems even more aloof than usual. His thoughts keep returning to you, thinking and overthinking everything, imagining all the ways your relationship could go wrong and even more ways it could go right.

The others truly start to notice the changes in his behavior only when he’s with you. His movements gain a bit more grace and sensuality, he doesn’t pass up an opportunity to make a clever snarky comment where he otherwise wouldn’t have bothered. He subtly puts himself in your personal space and holds your gaze for meaningful lengths of time. In other words, he is infatuated with you, which is obvious to everyone present.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

PDA? Yes, please! Keevan’s displays of affection border on exhibitionistic. If you’re too embarrassed, he’ll tone it down, of course - but not by much, so you might as well forget about having any shame at all when he’s around. While he doesn’t tend to be too clingy in public, he thinks nothing of groping your ass if the mood strikes him, undressing you with his eyes or whispering suggestively into your ear and making you blush. Bragging about you and showing you off is par for the course.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship

Keevan has an uncanny ability to stay level-headed in dangerous situations, and years of serving as a field supervisor have taught him to always have a plan B, C and ideally ten more, just in case. So if anything happens, you can rely on him to get you both out of trouble.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative? 

While not romantic in a classical sense, Keevan does try to keep you happy in his own way. He prefers to hide the true amount of effort he puts into the seemingly little things he’s doing for you – what it’s like to hear the whispers about his race when you’re on a date on a Federation planet, or how draining it is to socialize with your friends (you have to threaten not to talk to him for a week if he doesn’t behave civilly).

Aside from that, Keevan likes to make an occasional grand gesture to impress you – there’s nothing he loves more than seeing the awe and admiration in your eyes and hearing you praise him. Basically, flattery will get you anywhere with this Vorta.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

He knows that you’re talented enough to excel at anything you put your mind to. If you want to advance your career, he can offer you plenty of useful (if sometimes unethical) advice on how to do that quickly. But if you want him to actually do something to help, you’re going to have to ask veeery nicely. In rare cases he does help without being asked - but don’t get used to it.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice up your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Over the iterations, Keevan was known to be, shall we say, adventurous, so there isn’t much that is truly new to him. The only thing that’s actually novel is the significance of the relationship. Did he ever wake up in bed with an attractive stranger? Sure, many times. Had he ever woken up next to the person he loves? You are the first. He wants to relish every new thing he gets to experience with you, so he isn’t in a hurry to try out everything all at once.

U nderstanding - How well do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Keevan isn’t terribly empathetic, but he can read the cues pretty well if he wants to – a skill that is essential for any Vorta to acquire if they want to survive past their first iteration. For all his supposed indifference, Keevan has learned a lot about you pretty early on after you’ve first met, and if you weren’t so love-struck, you’d have probably found it suspicious. At times, it can be irritating how well he knows you, especially when he’s acting smug about it.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it worth in comparison to other things in their life?

Once upon a time, Keevan had a career, and a rather successful one at that. Unfortunately, it was a career in a fascistic interstellar empire serving merciless gods – this kind of thing gets you disillusioned sooner rather than later. Still, his work had its moments, and having left the Dominion he had been missing the opportunity to apply himself.

But the freedom has granted him a choice – for the first time, he could decide what he wants to do. That freedom is just as important to him as your relationship, and the fact that you’re supporting him and helping him discover the new possibilities means more to Keevan than you can possibly imagine.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Keevan is a very tactile person by nature, which may come as a surprise because due to his past he’s had to learn to survive without closeness. At the earlier stages of your relationship he’d be pretty wary of platonic affectionate gestures, but as he becomes more comfortable around you, you’ll notice the casual touches becoming more frequent – he’d put his chin on your shoulder from behind to see what you’re reading on your PADD, thoughtfully trace your brow with his finger or play with your hair. Also, good luck trying to get out of bed without waking him – if you try to wriggle out of his embrace, he’ll only tighten his arms around you and mumble something unintelligible in Vortawa.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

By making everyone around him miserable. By moping around in your quarters and passive-aggressively destroying the knickknacks on your shelves (and later claiming that it was an accident).

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Oh yes. Great, borderline creepy length. Out of the two of you, you are the only one who actually has morals (and the longer you are with Keevan, the more the lines will start to blur), so he won’t have any qualms doing whatever needs to be done for your relationship. The only thing that could give him pause is if he knows you might not forgive him for doing something particularly amoral - but on the other hand, what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

. ⋅˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ ⋅˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

dedicated to the wonderful @stay-neurotic , the originator of Keevan thirst on tumblr dot com

[creativeashproductions]

What If...? V // Alive!Luke Patterson

Summary: 1995 was Sunset Curve’s big break in the music world with a successful future. Between 1995-2004 a handful of things happen: Playing the Orpheum, the band buying a house, a car accident, a reconciliation, an engagement, a wedding and children. All things that potentially may have not happened had the boys continued to eating sketchy hot dogs from a car.

Warnings: Swearing, pregnancy, labour, minor angst and a bunch of fluff.

Words: 3.1k

Requested: By @beautifulblogsblog. The last part of your request 🥺😭

A/N: Wow. The last part in the What If…? Mini series is here. This was incredibly fun to write and while I wrote the last two parts I played a few covers and rewrites of Unsaid Emily. This is the first finished series. I’ll also let everyone know that there will be a part three for Lost Time.

TO BE TAGGED SEND AN INBOX/ASK PLEASE!

Masterlist

Hospital Maternity Room #284, 1999

“Have a child, they said. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing they said. I can confirm that asshole that said that had a dick.” You hissed from the hospital bed. A contraction contracting your midsection.

Nancy Y/L/N and Emily Patterson took up residence in the chairs on either side of Y/N Patterson in the afternoon of 1999. Nancy had been using the previous months making a scrapbook for the baby; the first bit with copies of photos from Luke and your baby stages. The rest would be the first year of your baby’s life.

“Would you like some ice chips?” Emily asked focused on knitting the baby hat for her impending grandchild.

Mitch and Lance each had made themselves scarce from the hospital in favour of working leaving the women alone.

“I’d like your son to be here to kick his ass.” Your eye twitched at the thought of your husband currently on an airplane. Sunset Curve had gone on a three-day interview marathon to the dislike of your friends and family.

Sunset Curve really needs to fire their manager with little respect for his charges’ lives. Especially the lead singer’s first child. Luke had no clue you had gone into labour.

 “Your father had words with Jerry for his meddling.” Nancy told her daughter glancing up at the strained smile through another contraction, “I’m sure Jerry thought the controversy of Luke not making the birth would be perfect for publicity.”

“I swear I will strangle Jerry if Luke isn’t here. I will pulverize the son of a bitch.” You hissed relaxing against the white sheets in the private suite. The mothers had been constants in the room while Rose, the pianist from the wedding, had visited briefly.

 Rose and the photographer Ray had hit it off so well they had entered a relationship that then blossomed a friendship with you. The couple had become dear friends in the last few months.

 “Okay Y/N, we’re gonna check your progress.” The doctor spoke swiftly tugging the disposable medical gloves on his hands. Two nurses worked with him. Your eyes pinned to the ceiling during the short examination.

“We’ve hit ten centimetres.” The doctor announced pushing the wheeled stool away to study your expressions, “Do you have your partner here?”

The tears built up as it settled that Luke might miss the birth of his first child when he had been so excited about it. He had bought and read more pregnancy books than you he had been talking with his father on how he could support you. He took classes with his mom on how to change a diaper, check the temperature of the bottle and methods for colic and diaper rashes.

Overwhelmed the feeling of two pairs of hands comforted you with the reminder that while Luke wasn’t there, you still had support. The baby would be born with both his grandmothers in the room. It was as best as it could be.

In a fast pace, you then found yourself with your legs in the stirrups with a stranger, albeit a doctor, staring at your vagina. It was uncomfortable, but it faded when the pain really began.

“Okay I want you to push from 1-10.” The doctor soothed, “Good job.”

“You’re doing so well, darling,” Nancy told you, leading Emily to open her mouth. Unfortunately, she didn’t get the chance.

 “I’m here!” Luke exclaimed rushing into the room, “Your dad was-“

Why was it unfortunate that Emily didn’t speak? Well, Luke unprepared caught sight of your exposed lower half. He promptly fainted with a thud to the floor.

“Are you serious?!” You yelled glaring at the puddle of your husband out cold with one of the nurses waving a package under his nose.

The smelling salt pack under Luke’s nose, bringing him back to consciousness, “Oh, boy. I fainted.”

“It happens more often than you would think.” The nurse told the young man while you focused on another push.

By the time the contraction ended, Luke had taken his mother’s place in holding your hand with encouraging words dripping off his tongue.

“This is the only child we’re having.” You hissed at the musician who continued to pale with a perfect view of the birthing in a reflection, “If you faint again I will…ARG”

A beautiful cry filled the room to the relief of baby Patterson’s parents bringing both of them to cry as well. Baby Patterson was scooped away to the corner of the room for a checkup and weight while the doctor inspected you. Time felt unreal as it passed quickly.

Baby Patterson was wiped clean as you delivered the placenta, got cleaned up with a sheet change and began to rest. Baby hairs plastered against your forehead you cooed at the swaddled form of your baby.

“So beautiful.” Luke whispered, unaware of his mother taking pictures with the lessons Ray had given her. The baby’s mouth opened with a gurgle that caused your heart to grow, “I’ll go let the boys know.”

Mesmerized by the baby, Luke made his way to the family waiting room on the maternity ward where it was packed. Opening the door, he counted Reggie, Bobby, Alex, Alex’s boyfriend Willie, your father Lance and Luke’s father. In the corner, Rose and Ray huddled together.

“Well?” Alex anxiously questioned picking at his cuticles, anxious for any news. His blue eyes begging his best friend for answers.

“Y/N is doing fine. The birth was smooth, and baby Patterson is healthy.” Luke proudly announced, placing his hands on the hem of his purple long sleeve shirt.

The room went silent before Mitch spoke, “So, do I have a granddaughter or a grandson?”

From the moment she was born, Stevie Eleanor Patterson had her father tied around her finger with her daddy’s matching hazel gaze. Lips like yours and a nose still unsure of but the nine-month-old was absolutely gorgeous with her short brown hair already curling. Of course, you could be biased as she was all yours.

Stevie wouldn’t settle without rock music of her father singing songs, but she did sleep through the night since day one. That didn’t mean she’d continue to sleep through the night, regression of sleep was tale your mother told about you as a baby.

“Hello sweet baby girl.” You whispered gently rocking the baby back to sleep mesmerized by the perfect combination of you and Luke, “So sleepy from feeding hmm?”

Stevie was heavy with the only complication being the minor tongue tie that was resolved increasing her feed. Stevie had such an appetite you had to compensate with formula to a degree, and you were sure the appetite was all Luke.

“Hey sweetheart.” Luke murmured from the door of Stevie’s bedroom wearing his Rush cutoff shirt and his staple black jeans.

The now twenty-year-old man had transitioned smoothly into fatherhood with the support of his best friends and family. Emily and Nancy had alternated staying in the guest room to help in the first month; the birth had been easy, but recovery had been at a near standstill.

“Hey!” You spoke as Stevie reacted to Luke’s voice, “I thought you said you would be late?”

Luke’s lips turned up at your words, “It looked that way, but Tom sent us home. God, I wish we had him from the first instead of Jerry.”

Both noses of the couple scrunched at the insensitive former manager that had both hit on you and insulted you when started showing with the pregnancy. The minute they could the band fired the man and found a saviour in Tom. Tom had left his previous employment with some magician with a name like Conner or something. The magician was narcissistic truthfully and had a slight obsession with the occult and death.

“Perfect. I need a shower.” You sighed shuffling Stevie into Luke’s warm embrace staring at the daddy-daughter duo.

“Have a bath. Relax babe. I got it.” Luke cooed, staring at his baby daughter’s bright gaze and dimpled smile.

Luke couldn’t believe how blessed he had been in falling in love with someone like you and receiving a gift. The gift being a father to the most beautiful angel in the world with the name Stevie.

“Love you!” You called over hastily make a flee for the master bathroom with the large tub before Stevie objected.

How lucky were you to have a husband like Luke?

Malibu, Patterson home, 2004

Luke, Reggie, Bobby and Alex, better known as Sunset Curve, had become legendary in the music world after their 1995 headliner debut at the Orpheum. In the nine years since the esteemed performance Sunset Curve had released two studio albums and toured four times. With the good times came the bad times as well.

Bobby Willis had decided he wanted to pursue a solo career creating a cavern between all four boys. He would change his name to Trevor Wilson at the suggestion of his label. He had little traction with his songs.

“Daddy!” Squealed, the three old little brunette girl ran through the modest-sized mansion to the man at the door, “I missed you!”

Luke, having memorized the routine, had already left his bag on the ground as his five-year-old daughter launched herself into his arms. Stevie had kept the hazel eyes with the chocolate coloured wavy hair. You could see yourself with her nose, chin, mouth and ears, but the rest is all Luke.

“Bug, you saw Daddy this morning.” You spoke, bringing Luke’s attention to the woman leaning against the wall. Luke’s heart fluttered, taking in the vision of his wife, who inspired so many songs.

Luke’s lips separated to reveal that perfect smile that stilled made your stomach flutter as it had since you were both fifteen. His hazel eyes glanced from your face to the one-year-old on your hip with his eyes closed. Little lips opened with quiet snores.

Hudson Jude was born in December of 2002 thankfully while Sunset Curve was on a break allowing Luke to be there. Hud was a near replica of you with the same eyes as his older sister and father. His infectious personality mimicking his uncle Reggie.

Mitch and Emily’s House May 2002

Last night had been incredible to Luke Patterson as Sunset Curve stood on the stadium stage as the sold-out crowd cheered as the song came to an end. ‘Now or Never’ had a special spot in the band’s hearts as they believed it had been the spark of interest from record execs back in ’95. Luke’s blue electric hung behind him as his best friends, his brothers, came to the edge with him. Grins splitting their faces the four boys grabbed hands and bowed to the audience.

“Thank you so much for coming out!” Luke’s voice reached every corner of the stadium drinking in the cheering and the signs in the crowd. And it felt like just yesterday they played the Orpheum before they hit it big.

The screams growing as Reggie’s winked in the direction of a group of girls, but Luke’s drifted to the VIP section. You stood with Stevie wearing the special headphones to protect her hearing. Her tiny hands clapping as her eyes wandered the large number of people.

The next morning, right now, he was in the living room with his parents, in-laws, his wife and daughter. So much had changed for the vocalist from fleeing this very house to returning to make amends. Now he watched his daughter playing with the toys Emily had found in the attic from Luke’s childhood.

“Hey I got you a gift.” You whispered to the man leaning against your legs on the floor. You sat seated on the couch while the other adults spoke.

“A gift? What for?” Luke questioned leaning to rest his head on your lap. His eyes found the little box you had hidden behind a pillow.

It was small and unassuming to the group in the living room. Luke’s fingers pulled the bow apart before the lid came off. Nestled in the velvet five guitars were. Taking one, Luke read the engraving.

“New Sunset Curve member: Coming December 2002.” Luke whispered blinking as he flipped it to see, “Daddy’s new music buddy.”

You stayed quiet for a moment, “The other ones are for the boys. The back has their names on it.”

 “We’re having another baby?” Luke softly asked, turning to face you completely. His eyes wonder-filled at the news, “Oh my gosh!”

“I know. I’m about two months pregnant at this point.” You murmured back cupping his cheeks with the stubble he hadn’t shaved yet. Tears filling both his and your eyes, “With how busy the tour was I lost track of my periods.”

“Oh my gosh. Can I tell them?” Luke pleaded on his knees, bringing the attention of both your parents. Stevie was still so enthralled by her toys she didn’t catch any words..

“Go ahead.” You smiled at the excited man. Facing the other side of the room, Luke nestled into your side on the couch..

Hand pressing on your flat tummy he grinned, “Stevie’s gonna be a big sister.”

Luke was so excited when his second child was born, he was thrilled at having a son; he would have been just as excited for a girl. He had a son and a daughter he loved with everything in him. He collaborated with Lance on a song for his own children just as Lance had.

“Hi Hud,” Luke spoke, stepping close to kiss his son’s sleeping head nestled in your neck, “How’s my gorgeous wife today.”

“Tired. Hud is breaking a new tooth, but Stevie’s been better today. She missed her uncle Alex.” You spoke, looking at your little girl.

 Stevie had become Alex’s shadow with the man even buying her a toy drumset for her fifth birthday. Alex and Willie had been away the past two weeks for a honeymoon; they legally couldn’t marry, but that didn’t stop them from having a dedication ceremony. The minute the law changed, you had no doubt Willie and Alex would find their way to a courthouse.

“We all miss Alex.” Luke sighed, “I hope he finds beach sand for the next year, there’s only so much I can take of Reggie. Bobby, Trevor came to the studio today. His sales have dropped, and his label dropped him.”

“He wants to come back?”

“To be fair he never really left the band. He went solo.” Luke admitted, “It’s hard to trust him after he took ‘Get Lost’ from us. At least he didn’t take ‘My Name is Luke’ from us.”

Your hand pushed up the hair hanging in his eyes below the orange beanie that had been a staple outfit piece for years now. Fronts pushed together, Luke kissed you for the first time today other than the quick peck as he left this morning. Hudson had a lousy sleep that left Luke staying up most the night with him.

“At the end of the day, it comes down to Reggie, Alex and you to make that decision. He’s never been a bad person, but maybe he felt like he wasn’t important. How many songs did he write?” You questioned your husband tentatively speaking to not spark his passionate anger.

You saw the annoyance in the crinkle of his nose and his eyebrows almost touching, but it didn’t take from the love in his eyes. With a sigh, he shifted Hudson to his embrace, tugging you to the spacious living room.

“If you look at it outside the band you have Stevie, Hudson and me. You have a family. Alex and Willie are connected at the hip. Reggie is with the band, volunteering at the kids centre, or with Ray.” It seemed it shifted something in Luke. His shoulders relaxed.

“The last few years have been pretty hectic.” Luke admitted watching as Stevie danced to the rock playing on the radio. Her little arms moving as if she was drumming.

Hudson shifted on Luke’s lap as you nestled into his side, watching the little loves you created with soft expressions. Stevie’s bright grin lighting up the room better than the natural light from the windows. The innocence she carried deep in her soul it felt like everything clicked into place.

“Daddy! Watch me!” Stevie giggled jumping as the song changed to Bittersweet by her grandfather Lance. The same song that played in the car accident back in ’96 that had a new meaning with having your own children.

It took a long time before Lance was able to pick up the guitar and perform; his lingering pain in his arm the cause. It took a few surgeries and physiotherapy along with relearning how to play before he performed Bittersweet. Lance performed for the first time live in your hospital room to his first grandchild.

“Whoo Stevie!” Reggie called from the front of the house. Behind him, Alex and Willie joined the same family.

“UNCLE ALEX!” Stevie shouted sprinting towards the tall blonde already crouching for the little girl.

The bond between Stevie and Alex was by far the cutest thing you had ever seen with how Stevie looked up at him. Alex would be the first to suggest tea parties and painting each other’s nails with newspaper for any spills. There wasn’t a better role model for Stevie to love. The bond was reminiscent of Uncle Jesse and Michelle from Full House.

“Ellie!” Alex shouted back swinging the little girl in his hug calling his unique nickname for her. He had taken to shortening her middle name; he really didn’t like when anyone else said it.

Peering over the pink sweater Stevie caught sight of Willie in the door, “Ready Uncle Alex?”

 At Alex’s confusion, Stevie wandered over to the skater smiling at the sight of his partner with the little girl. Willie’s brow furrowed as the girl came over to him uncharacteristically.

“Hi.” Stevie spoke, playing with her little fingers, “How was your trip, Uncle Willie?”

A small gasp from both Willie and Alex at the new title given that Stevie was shy with the skater. Stevie had been very excited for her uncle to come back from the honeymoon so she could surprise them.

“What?”

“You married Uncle Alex. That means you’re my uncle now too. Can I call you that?” Stevie’s brows furrowed concentrating on the man with tears in his eyes. The room was silent at Willie collected himself.

“I’d love that Squirt.” Willie choked out when her little arms wrapped around his shoulders, “Learn any new tricks on the drums?”

“Not really! But I lost a tooth!” Stevie excitedly spoke dancing on the balls of her little feet in the kid-sized black vans.

“Oh! Ray wanted me to pass on that he and Rose are pregnant! Baby is a girl due next year.” Reggie gasped, remembering the announcement from lunch at the Molina house, “Ray’s pretty sure they’ll name her Julie.”

The little Patterson girl eagerly informed her uncles on everything that had happened since the dedication ceremony with Willie and Alex. Even the twenty-four hours since she saw Uncle Reggie before breaking out into the dance moves from her dance classes. Hudson now toddling after his older sister with a smile on his little face.

A twist of expressions appeased on the members of Sunset Curve at the same time spoke together. All thinking of a distant vision of a Puerto Rican girl with a blurry face and gorgeous voice.

“Julie Molina? I feel like I know that name?”

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[nonbinaryparent]

What a day. Long story time.

In retrospect, i kept telling myself, i could also not go to the farewell ceremony of my grandmother. But i did. It was both more horrible and filled with love than i could have expected.

But wow. My parents, who i deliberately don't see, were of course there. My father had gotten hold of my phone number although I had repeatedly made clear i don't want to have contact by phone. He had, without announcing who he was, sent me two texts beforehand. I had blocked and deleted it.

So on this glorious day where we are supposed to be remembering good stuff about my grandmother's life, they both literally cornered me. I was next to my cool uncle who's always joking which saved my spine. I am writing this down so i can remind myself of this out of world spiritual experience.

They were all how are you doing and why don't you talk to us and we miss you. I responded in single word answers. I think it was obvious i was highly uncomfortable with what they were doing. As usual they didn't care about such things. By some miracle my mother left somewhere during the conversation. My father asked if I had gotten his texts. I said i don't want to be contacted through phone. How then, he asked, as if he didn't know the answer. By email, i said. He went on to ask but how can we get into contact? And the often said, i don't understand why, even when I already explained several times that i first want to talk about the past and not pretend everything is alright when it never was. So i said, that is part of the problem, but we're not here for that today.

He agreed. And flipped! I do not remember him lossing his cool so badly before, at least not to me. I was nearly scared. His last famous words, i am giving you all the time you need, but there is a limit! I was very cool because i simply repeated, that's not what we're here for today. He left. Classic abuser words, i am well aware. My uncle was awesome and reassured me and supported me and joked a bit. I never felt so loved by anyone on this side of the family.

Driving back i was overwhelmed with shock at my father's outburst, though in hindsight from what I've read from others, this was to be expected. How could anything ever be their fault? It would have to be mine, that's why he is 'giving me all the time', except he isn't cause there is a mysterious limit that apparent i should fear. It must be so nice not wanting to know he already surpassed my limit long ago and i have zero intention of contacting him ever. I lost my feeble hope of reconciliation today and it was very freeing. Not just goodbye to my grandmother, but more to them.

And the love. The overwhelming love and support from my uncle, i could almost cry with joy. That I live to experience this strong belonging is almost worth the epic failures of my parents today.

They suck they suck they suck. I liked to make believe that one day they will realize they suck, but it's not going to happen, because they suck. I am already infinitely a better parent and adult depsite their treatment, because I know how not to be like them. I'm very much open to feedback and criticism and finding ways to improve myself or a situation, even if it means it doesn't work out. I listen to my kids and take them seriously. I'm not a perfect parent cause that doesn't exist, but i value the kids as human beings with their own needs and wants and opinions. Sometimes too much.

My parents suck, but that doesn't mean i suck. They treated me badly, but that doesn't mean i deserved that, ever. And i got better things to do with my life than get dragged down into this nonsense. They don't even know how old I am.

For real, future me, if you're rereading this. There's so many wonderful lovely people in your life. Contact them and talk with them and hug them. Life is beautiful with them. I'm so proud of you today, keeping your cool. And even if you don't, that's fine too.

Such a long story and not a word about how wonderful my grandmother was in teaching me to draw with watercolors, card games and board games, making soup for me and yoghurt with oats, how she survived bombing in the second world war and moved cross country. I'm sure theres a million things i don't know about, but these are the things i do know. She was magnificent and is proud of me.

[headboyweasley]

to my beloved // h.p

pairing : harry potter x reader

summary : when harry learns you’ve gone missing, he hits rock bottom. no one can reach out to him until a peculiar letter ends up in his possession. 

warnings : ANGST (happy ending???), swearing, post-war, alcohol/implied alcohol abuse, violence (against inanimate objects), missing person/presumed dead, mentions of food

word count : 1.3k

author’s note : hi!! this is my very first fic posted on tumblr, so i hope you enjoy. i’m actually really proud of this one, as it was inspired by my favorite song “play this when i’m gone” by machine gun kelly. also, thank you for the support on my masterlist! it means the literal world. also my favorite writers followed me and i am freaking out. sorry for the this long note,,, i tend to ramble. enjoy!

( disclaimer : gif is not mine! )

It had been months since the war had ended. While the wizarding world was still healing, the future for it had become hopeful. The threat of war had hung over the heads of the community, so once it had been taken away, everything was reborn. Bustling crowds and children’s laughter had filled Diagon Alley once more; the boarded up shops had now opened up, gleaming with pride. Many felt grateful for this new age.

The last person people expect to be so devastated was Harry Potter. Afterall, he was the one that killed Voldemort. Good things don’t happen to heroes, as someone had once told him. He gave everyone that hope, but he couldn’t find it in himself. Why, you may ask? Well, my friend, he found out you were among the missing people in the aftermath of the war. The love of his life, his sunshine, his darling had been snatched from him.

Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but sometimes he wishes that he hadn’t gone to the forest to face Voldemort. Sometimes he wishes he had hid away in Shell Cottage with you and grown old together. When he decided that was selfish, he tried to find other ways he could have won that war with you by his side. 

He knew he couldn’t. What happened was the only true ending. 

A sigh fell from his lips as the bottle was barely held by the tip of his fingers. The bedroom reeked of firewhiskey, which wasn’t a surprise since there was a surplus of them scattered across the floor. He took a final sip before letting this bottle join the rest. 

Of course, Ron and Hermione had attempted to help. They had kept it up for a couple months through staying at his home and making meals for him. Hermione tried reading to him, while Ron kept his friend updated with Quidditch and the Weasley family. This had come to an abrupt halt, though, after a particularly angry outburst from Harry. They had given him one last look of sympathy before apparating.

That had been months ago, and since then, Harry had been trapped inside his mind and flat. 

“You never do anything fucking right. First, you lose the love of your life. Next, you ruin the relationship between you and your best friends. You’re fucking alone, and you’re going to die that way.” He seethed with anger just looking at himself in the small mirror. He continued to glare at himself for a few more minutes before grabbing the mini dresser and slamming it into the floor. 

Glass shattered, while his old Hogwarts uniform and merchandise tumbled out. Violence was an often thing for the items in his home. Usually after a bottle and self-degrading speech, he’d destroy something to let the anger fizzle. The aftermath of this, though, was a bit of a coping mechanism, as he would fix things by hand instead of using magic. It let his mind breathe; focus on anything but his self-hatred. 

He crouched down to pick up his Gryffindor scarf, wrapping it around himself and relishing in its warmth with shut eyes. It reminded him of the freezing wind that nipped at his skin whenever he went out to visit Hagrid, or the times his roommates were challenging who could put on the most layers. These memories let him be at ease. They always transported him from the harsh reality to the happier days. 

Once he allowed himself to come back, his eyes scanned for something that would ground him to the real world. He expected to find a bottle to do so, but instead laid eyes on an unfamiliar envelope at his feet. It couldn’t have been his Hogwarts letter, as this one did not bear the mark to close it. However, there was a date written at the top in an all too familiar handwriting. Then, it clicked.

Your handwriting.

Harry scrambled to grab the paper. It was sliding all over the hardwood floor when he kept grabbing at it recklessly. After a struggle that felt like forever, he held the envelope in his shaking hands. Yes, that was definitely your handwriting within the date that read “31 July 1997.” He flipped it over to find “To My Beloved” written across the front. 

It felt as time had stopped, as he carefully pulled the flap from its seal. To him, it was like he was touching a part of you. Granted it was written over a year ago, but the small spark of hope held onto it anyways. Slowly, he pulled out the folded up paper inside. Deep breaths, he thought. He did quite the opposite, though, as his breath hitched when he read it.

Hi there, Harry. I hope you’re doing well.

If you find this, there’s a good chance something happened to me.

Already, tears pricked his eyes. He continued, despite his semi-blurry vision.

Please don’t fret though. Things happen for a reason, remember? If you hadn’t stayed in the hospital wing after your bone disappeared, you wouldn’t have met me and my major clumsiness. I’d like to think that’s another reason Lockhart’s git self had ended up as teacher; for our chance to meet. 

It’s ok to cry, but please don’t think that it’s your fault. I am so in love with you, Harry James Potter. I dedicated my life to you. I promised you I’d follow you until the end, and I followed through. 

Since I filled my promise, please promise that you’ll live; that you’ll find that happiness in your life again. You’re the best damn seeker I know, so don’t go telling me that you can’t. I mean, I’m sure you killed Voldemort and brought light into the dark world. You deserve to be in that light. Don’t dwell on the past, my love. Focus on the future. All I want is for you to be happy.

I know we never got married, but I knew you were mine from the beginning. The box with this letter; I thought I’d give it now before it was too late. In marriage, you want the best for your partner. That’s exactly what I want. When you wear this, please remember to do whatever you can to be happy. If not for you, then for me.

I love you, Harry Potter. I am so proud of you.

Yours, Y/N

The letter would be covered in wet spots if his glasses hadn’t taken the fall. He let out a choked sob as he clutched the letter to his chest. His eyes scanned the area for the aforementioned box, and found it between a few bottles. One hand darted out and snatched it up, while the other kept a tight grip on the now wrinkling letter. Slowly, he flicked open the lid with his thumb.

A wedding band glistened against the little light peeking through the blinds. Upon seeing it, he hesitantly let the letter fall onto his lap and went to take the jewelry instead. His hands shook as he grabbed it and slipped it into his finger. A perfect fit, of course.

Maybe, just maybe, the ring was magic. It must be, as there was a strange feeling bubbling in his chest. Happiness? Love? Hope? He sifted through a few emotions before landing on a feeling of content. This letter was the closure he had been subconsciously grasping for. Now that he had it, he felt reconciliation with his mind. 

Harry pushed himself up to stand, and with shaky legs, he made his way to his home phone. He made sure one hand held the paper that brought him much peace, while the other dialed the number. It rang a few times before a familiar voice answered. A final deep breath before he responded.

“Hermione? I think.. I think I’m ready to change.”

-

!taglist!  @/empty :(

[lununnunna]

Together || Todoroki Shouto x Reader

angst in which you feel as if shouto doesnt truly love you. happy(ish) ending.

warnings: angst. heartbreak. arguing; bordering physical/verbal abuse. false accusations of cheating. reconciliation. two fools in love who just need help sorting their jumbled brains.

“shouto.. you dont love me, do you?”

the world around you was drowned out by the echoing of blood pumping in your ears. your body felt hot, and there was a nervous ache in your chest. you tried to ignore the trembling of your hands, the way your legs felt like jelly, or the building of tears on your waterline as you stood before him.

he slowly blinked as he turned his head to look at you.

“what?”

the way he looked so lost, sitting there on the couch, made your anxiety build as you took a breath and repeated yourself.

“do you even love me?”

his brow lowered, a slight crease in his flawless skin forming. he spoke slowly.

“of course i love you. what made you think i dont?”

you couldnt hold eye contact much longer, eyes darting away, your bottom lip caught between your teeth. you felt sick to your stomach. you didnt want to tell him, but.. it was for the best. you know that. how do you expect anything to change if you dont confront him and let him know?

“i-its just.. well.. that time bakugou insulted me... you— you didnt defend me.” you paused, before quickly adding, “o-of course, i know hes your friend, and i know hes a top hero, and— and i know hes just like that, believe me i know, b-but it just—“ you struggled for breath. was it this hot in here earlier? “it really hurt me.” your voice cracked. your chest felt heavy. “and he seemed harsher than normal, a-and i looked to you for help, and may— maybe you just didnt understand that i was uncomfortable, but— that other time, when that woman at the restaurant shoved me— and i know she did it on purpose, and i know you watched her do it, and i get that as a hero you might have a repuation to uphold, but— but you literally apologized to HER! like i was the one in the wrong, shouto! you could have ignored her, maybe even looked at her pointedly, because i know you cant just pick fights with civilians, but, apologizing!?” you felt dizzy, but the anger was beginning to build, and it was fueling you to continue. “and that time when that woman messaged you on twitter, sending you her nudes and talking about how you could do so much fucking better than little old me. you opened it, you saw it, and you didnt fucking block her!? what the fuck was that, shouto!? do you want her??? did you keep that to look back on???? to remind yourself of what you could be having, to work up the courage to leave me?????” you were panting and out of breath. your chest heaved, and you realized you were crying, hot tears trailing down to the front of your shirt. you couldnt bring yourself to look at him.

you stared at your feet.

“..what kind of man does that, shou..?”

there was silence. you didnt want to speak, fearful of what meaningless insults might leave your mouth if you did. you were angry, you were embarrassed, you were so fucking tired.

“...i,” he paused. you could hear him swallow, breath shaky as he exhaled before continuing. “i dont even know what to say to that.”

you waited for him to continue.

to apologize.

to tell you he loved you.

anything.

he never did.

“you.. you cant even..”

you were trembling violently, eyes glued to the tatami mats he had installed in your shared home himself. rage was boiling inside you, masking the churn of anxiety and heartbreak in your stomach. you hated that you lashed out when you were hurting. you couldnt stop yourself.

“you fucking coward. you call yourself a hero? you cant even defend your own fucking wife.”

your head snapped up, fists balled at your sides, the tears unstoppable as they blurred your vision too much to see his shock. you choked back a sob, baring your teeth in malice as you hurled the most hurtful words your frazzled mind could come up with.

“i should have never expected you to be capable of loving me. after all, you were never anything more than a tool for your father’s success. what more could a weapon like you do?”

the moment the words registered in your mind, you were filled with regret. you didnt mean it. of course you didnt mean it, you loved him more than life itself— hes your fucking husband! you never saw him as any of the horrid things leaving your mouth. you loved him to death; you were so sure of your long lasting marriage. you wanted to have a family with him one day!

you fucking despised yourself. you know you were only saying these things out of hurt, you know you lashed out as a defense mechanism— but he didnt. he didnt know you didnt mean it. he didnt know you spoke before thinking. he didnt know you were broken. he didnt know about the abuse you’ve gone through in the past.

you did. but at this point, your past only felt like an excuse. and preying on your husbands insecurities because you felt cornered was no fucking excuse. there will never be an excuse for this.

everything happened so fast.

in a blur, he was suddenly on you— his hands brushed against your throat, his eyes dark and his teeth gritted. the muscles of his jaw flexed and tensed as he seemed to be debating going through with it.

you swallowed against his flaring hands.

he took heavy breaths, before his hands dropped to his sides, and he hung his head.

it was silent. you breathed slowly, having held your breath as his hands threatened you.

“..im sorry.”

he was so quiet, you nearly missed it.

“im.. im sorry too,” you whispered, silent tears slipping down your already stained cheeks.

another bout of silence ensued as he turned his head, staring at your hand through the curtain of bangs surrounding his face. your hand twitched involuntarily.

“we..” he trailed off. his eyes stayed on your hands.

they were so delicate. so small. so soft, and he couldnt help but think of all the times hes held them. without thinking, his hand reached out to hold yours, ever so gently.

you almost pulled away. almost.

“i.. i never meant to hurt you. and i would never think of leaving you, love. i was never aware of that woman. i have a team of people who manage my twitter account for publicity. and as for bakugou, and the other woman at the restaurant.. i swear to do my best to stand up for you more often. im sorry im so dense at times.”

you squeezed his hand, and his eyes flitted up to meet yours, shining with guilt and sorrow. yours must have reflected his.

“i didnt mean it. i dont think that of you, shou. i never will. youre not a coward, and youre not your father’s tool. i— i was just hurt. and i lash out when im hurt, because in the moment, all i can think of is hurting them back. to make them hurt as much as i am. im so sorry, baby..”

he let out a slow breath, shutting his eyes for a moment. when he opened them, he looked more solemn, but overall seemingly relieved to know you didnt mean those words. he stepped closer to you, pulling you into his chest and gently wrapping you in his embrace.

he was trembling.

“i understand. i would never hurt you, either— but in that moment, i was in so much pain, the anger..”

“was just too much. it took over,” you finished. “i know. i understand. im the same way.”

silence enveloped the two of you as you silently reconciled, breathing in the scent of one another.

it wasnt until he pulled away to look at you that the silence was broken.

he cupped your cheeks. “you were abused too, werent you.”

it wasnt a question; but a statement— and a statement that melted through that barrier of secrecy you had been harboring, urging a whole new wave of tears to come flooding.

all you could do was nod, soft sobs wracking your body and interfering with your speech.

he shushed you softly, pulling you back in to let you cry into his chest. “its okay,” he whispered. “its okay. i know, baby.. i know.”

when you were done, you were hiccuping, and there was no doubt your face would be puffed up.

“we need counseling, dont we, shou?”

he let out a gentle, breath-like laugh.

“yeah. yeah, we do. but thats okay. we can get through this.”

you smiled.

“together,” you mumbled.

“together, he repeated.

[thebirdandhersong]

Hey, so I've basically never watched any k-dramas, but I've read a lot of manga and manhwa and the automatic next step does feel like moving into k-dramas. You seem to have watched a number, so I was wondering if you could make a recommended list? Only if you felt like it of course, but it would be helpful! (Preferably of at least some which are on netflix uk, I looked up 18 again but it's unfortunately not on here in Britain :(. But if you have favourites I'd just like to know them so I can look out for them anywhere)

Also yay! Your term's ended!

(yanks open the door) did someone say RECOMMENDATIONS?? I DO have many!!! Boy do I have them!!!!

(YAY!! One last exam and I'm done for the summer!)

I love Eastern entertainment (manga, k-dramas, c-dramas, and movies from Korea and Taiwan) because of several reasons: the scripts are phenomenal nine times out of ten; Asian culture puts a strong emphasis on the importance of family, personal responsibility, learning from one's mistakes, expressing affection through gestures and acts of service, and friendship and I really love seeing that in a story; and they make good use of silence and stillness in shows and movies, which is pretty rare in Hollywood. The quiet moments between characters are more often than not some of the most important in the story and I Love That!!

The dramas I'm (briefly) listing are in bold if they're available on Netflix UK, and in bold and italicised if they're available on Rakuten Viki (which is a mostly-free drama streaming service, though unfortunately they're rather heavy on the ads). The Absolute Favourites are marked with stars (***). Though I can't actually see the whole list of dramas available in the UK, so some of these may be wrong, and it may be worth checking twice!

If you're in the mood for something fast-paced:

Descendants of the Sun (Viki); considered a Classic

- romantic comedy, medical drama, a bit of action

- The confident and charming leader of a Special Forces unit meets a reserved surgeon and they hit it off, after some... interesting misunderstandings. But after dating briefly and breaking up, they find themselves reunited on a peacekeeping mission in a war-torn country. Insert a lot of Suspense and Excitement but also a lot of Comedy and Sincere Declarations of Love.

- if you enjoy Song Joongki's performance, I'd also recommend his movie A Werewolf Boy. If you enjoy Song Hye-kyo's performance, I'd recommend her drama Encounter.

***Come and Hug Me (Viki, but I don't know if it costs money?)

- thriller/suspense, romance, this one genuinely stressed me out but the moments of peace and reconciliation (and the ENDING) were well worth it

- Their first loves during their youth ends in her mother's death and their separation. Years later, the lively daughter of the murdered woman is now an actress, and the introverted son of the serial killer has become a police officer. They meet each other again (Of Course) and have to tackle all sorts of Nonsense (including the serial killer's return, his murderous brother's return from prison, the Media, the ghosts of their past, etc. etc.) together. HUGE focus on forgiveness, hope, healing, unconditional and self-sacrificial love. Also one of the best redemption arcs (I did in fact bawl my eyes out)

- my friend just started crying when we first watched this drama together because the male lead is just so gentle and tenderhearted and steadfast :')

If you're in the mood for something a bit slower

***Goblin/Guardian (Viki); International Acclaim

- fantasy, drama, one of the funniest dramas I've ever watched, but also tears (I cried at a rate of around once every two episodes. This show talks a lot about life and meaning and the effect your actions and words have on the people around you.)

- Kim Shin, a general from the Goryeo Dynasty, is cursed to live as an immortal Goblin (a Korean mythical/fairy tale figure) until his destined Bride pulls the sword from his chest, thus breaking the 'spell' and ending his life. He really did not expect his bride to be the vivacious and irrepressible Eun-tak, though, and What's More!! He did not expect that he would start wanting to live again :))) Includes a surprising amount of comedy, a surprising amount of tears, and EXCELLENT screenwriting. (Descendants and Goblin share the same brilliant writer.)

- fun fact: parts of it were shot in Quebec!! One of the characters refers to Canada as "the maple nation" early on in the story and my friend and I just burst into laughter.

***Encounter (Viki, but I'm not sure if it costs money?)

- melodrama, romantic comedy, FAIRY TALE

- a cold and withdrawn woman, recently divorced because of her husband's infidelity, and a warm-hearted and optimistic young man meet on the streets of Cuba by accident, and upon separating without means of contact, find themselves back in Korea as boss and newly hired employee. This sounds like a recipe for disaster: stuffed to the gills with unnecessary workplace drama and gossip, etc. but the story focuses instead on family, vulnerability, transformation, sacrifice, about art, compassion, mending relationships, opening up to people, and about the beauty in bringing and receiving comfort and love.

- also. ALSO. Fairy tale!!! with illustrated opening and ending cards and everything!!! (they literally refer to her as the Ice Princess. And her Prince is the human equivalent of sunshine. I Love him)

- if you like Park Bo-gum's performance, I'd recommend Reply 1988, too!

***One Spring Night

- melodrama; quiet and understated but very beautiful

- A bright, clever, and sharp-tongued librarian meets a quiet, steady, and gentle pharmacist one day. It turns out that he's a single father, and she's trapped in a relationship that really isn't working out. Friendship! Family! Sisters standing up for each other and saying No I Won't Let You Treat My Sister Like This, You Jerk! Figuring things out! Learning how to love! I really don't know what else to say, except for the fact that I loved it very much!!

- if you enjoy Jung Hae-in's performance, I'd also recommend Something in the Rain (which should also be on Netflix!) for his acting alone. I just think he's neat.

Reply 1988

- slice-of-life, comedy

- In the late 1980s, five friends (four boys, one girl) who have grown up with each other since childhood are Going Through It in high school. This drama is all about the little things that happen in life, and about learning to understand your family and your friends. Deok-sun is just trying to survive all of This as the middle child, and as a young girl who is trying to figure this Romance thing out. In the present, adult Deok-sun is just as lively, and is now happily married..... but to whom? :))) A Lot of '80s Asian culture, daily antics, and good old friendship.

- if you like Park Bo-gum's performance, I'd recommend Encounter too :)

18 Again (Viki)

- romantic comedy, fantasy/time travel (sort of)

- Nearly twenty years of marriage, and things have been going Wrong all over the place. His wife wants a divorce, he's no longer close to his teenaged kids, and he's just lost the job he's been faithfully working at for years. Daeyoung wishes that he could go back somehow, and finds himself 18 once again.... except he's still in the present. Interesting things ensue. He enrolls in school (it turns out to be the same one his kids attend), and decides to pursue the dreams he had to give up when he was a teenager. Antics ensue! But also Healing: he gets to know his kids all over again, and is able to view his relationships with Dajung (whom he still loves. Of course) and his estranged father in a new light.

- I have not finished this drama yet but judging from the first third of it, it is both well-written and well-acted. There are a few things that I am not a fan of, but on the whole Lee Dohyun's performance is wonderful and I have already cried buckets.

Other honourable mentions:

100 Days My Prince: historical drama. Prince caught in an assassination plot, loses his memory, wakes up in a village right when the king issues a marriage law that results in his marrying the spirited 'spinster'.

Still 17/Thirty But Seventeen: 17 year old violin prodigy in a coma after an accident, wakes up when she's 30; the boy who inadvertently caused the accident runs into her again after she wakes up and helps her adjust to her new life. Lots of wacky humour, very sweet!!

[luukeskywalker]

i see so many arguments about whether or not it's okay to like jiang cheng; whether or not he's abusive, whether or not he's deserving of a "redemption" or reconciliation with wei wuxian, whether or not his actions and pain are justified, etc. and because he's such a complicated person, and because we all interpret his actions differently, we are never ever going to come to a general consensus on him.

but i'll give my take on him, because i love him, and i really don't see a lot of, uh, more lenient takes on Why He’s Like That. also i’m putting this under a readmore bc this is literally just for me i don’t think anybody else in the world wants to read this rambling hahaha

anyways!~

the man has problems. lots of them. he doesn't know how to truthfully voice his emotions outside of a frame of anger. he was not raised to be a wife like jiang yanli, he was not taught to perform emotional labor for the sake of his future spouse. he was taught that he is the next sect leader, and that emotions are both his weakness (from his mother) and his strength (from his father). he was brought up from a young age under the belief that there was always an unattainable goal placed right in front of him.

of course that's not all officially "canon", but you can easily see it if you read between the lines. you really can't take anything jiang cheng says seriously. not when he was a kid, and not when he’s an adult, either. and i don’t say this to excuse his actions, or to say that he’s necessarily justified because he had a tough childhood. everyone in mo dao zu shi had a tough childhood, he’s not special for that! but the way he was raised, in my opinion, explains a lot about who he is as a person, and how he interacts with the world around him. again: it doesn’t justify his actions. it merely explains them.

i think he’s terribly interesting. every character reacts to their traumas in different ways - lan xichen covers everything up with a gentle smile, wei wuxian cracks jokes about his own mortality, lan wangji searched out evil as often as he could to make the world a little safer - hell, even nie huaisang adapted to trauma by creating an entirely different persona so that he could gather information and plot in peace. jiang cheng’s reaction to trauma was to take that anger he grew up with, all his frustration at never being good enough, all his worry about his family, all his rage at the people who have betrayed and left him - and he turned it into armor. 

he doesn’t know how to take the armor off. after years and years (thirteen or sixteen, it’s really up to the reader, i suppose), he’s worn it so tightly that he thinks that anger is all he is. everyone else thinks so, anyways, and when have the greater masses ever been wrong in mo dao zu shi?

oh, that’s right, literally every single time. 

call me an apologist if you must but i highly doubt jiang cheng ever actually tortured and killed demonic cultivators that reminded him of wei wuxian. the only time we have ever heard that was through idle gossip, and if mo dao zu shi has taught us anything, it’s that idle gossip is never to be trusted. he tells jin ling to kill wei wuxian in the beginning, but instead he decides he wants to take wei wuxian back to lotus pier. His first instinct is to feel anger, is to lash out. and he was still angry, but can you really blame him? he’s spent so many years with the weight of his family’s death weighing on him - practically all alone - and the man he considers responsible for it shows up out of the blue one night. 

and yes, wei wuxian’s isn’t solely responsible for jiang cheng’s loss. duh. but he had a pretty big part to play in all of it, and trauma can do weird things to someone’s memories. jiang cheng may know on some logical level that his brother isn’t responsible for all of it, but years pass and pain doesn’t really fade as much as it should, and feelings and memories warp into something more easily digestible - it gives jiang cheng something to feel besides conflicting mourning. anger is where he feels safest.

and that brings me to another point - his relationship with jin ling. now, this one is a bit of a hot topic (lol). there’s, afaik, a lot of discourse around whether or not jiang cheng is abusive towards jin ling. and i do understand and see why people would think he is abusive - for all the reasons i mentioned above. he’s a traumatized man who finds comfort in anger. he’s particularly strict with jin ling when it comes to night hunts, especially during that hunt in dafan mountain. he makes threats of physical harm and is pretty much always yelling. i can see why people see these actions and label him abusive.

but i really don’t agree. he is strict with jin ling on night hunts - he’s terrified something will happen to his sister’s child, at the same time he wants jin ling to succeed. who set up all those nets for him during that hunt? clearly jiang cheng. the whole “if you can’t catch something, don’t bother coming home” line dripped with “i have said this exact phrase a million times before and i’ve never meant it” energy, as does every “i’ll break your legs” comment. jin ling himself admits it - jiang cheng has never, ever laid a hand on him! the only uncle to ever smack him around is wei wuxian. 

of course abuse is more than physical harm. but i don’t really think he abuses jin ling at all. jiang cheng really loves jin ling, he cares for that boy more than literally anything else in the world. a scene that really sticks out to me is “who made you cry?!” - he does not admonish jin ling for crying. he wants to know who made his boy upset so he can go beat them up. jin ling clearly knows he’s not in any real danger from his uncle - if he was, why the hell would be continuously disobey him and do shit that directly pisses him off? the ONE time he was truly afraid of going back to jiang cheng was because he’d lied and disobeyed jiang cheng’s direct order. sure he wouldn’t be like, beaten for that, but he’d been nervous as all hell at koi tower, and i’d personally attribute that behavior to guilt. he knew he’d done a bad thing, but he’d done it anyways. 

this post is really insanely long so i’m just gonna try and wrap it up here: jiang cheng is a really complicated and fucked up dude. i get why people don’t like him but i don’t really agree with the sentiment. he’s fucked up and crazy and so is everyone else in mdzs, he’s just the most vocal about it. call all of this fanon if you want, idc, it’s just how i’ve perceived his character after experiencing mo dao zu shi like five times in different formats. his anger is his protection, because nobody else is gonna protect him. he tries to use it to protect jin ling, but to anyone who isn’t jin ling, it comes off as overtly harsh. love languages are hard to understand sometimes. jiang cheng’s love language is more complicated than the entirety of the fucking homestuck shipping chart.

if anyone has even read all of this, why, why did you decide to do that, also thank you? please don’t fight with me on this my mind will not be changed lol

[trumantomlinson]

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[bernadineisreborn]

Reality VI

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Author’s note: Omg so I’m working things for this out and I think its gonna be like…. LONG. The different parts are definitely going to be longer. In the beginning (like September? July??? idk) they were around 1000, but I see them being closer to 2000/3000 each now. Again, I hope you all enjoy and please please please let me know what you think. To those that have been reblogging or commenting on things related to this series, I see you and I love you.   –Bernadine

Warnings: swearing, characters not acting like themselves???? (idk I did my best), mention of scars on hands/wrists (though not related to self-harm)

Word count: 2525 :)

Series Masterlist

Marcus Redware woke with a start. He had only been sleeping for a few hours. Sleep had been coming to him in small fits lately, always inconsistent, always less than he needed.

This, he thought, is the effect of prolonged stress on the body.

Marcus was highly logical, so it helped him to think about his problems in logical terms. If he could somehow manage to be less stressed, he would be able to sleep.

He got out of bed, not taking the time to tuck the royal blue covers of his bed under the mattress edges as he normally would. He dressed quietly, not wanting to wake the other four Ravenclaws in the room. Four Ravenclaws that, he realized with a twinge of jealousy, were leading completely normal teenage lives and sleeping soundly.

It was November, and out from under the puffy Hogwarts comforter, Marcus was chilly. He changed quickly into blue and bronze robes, and hurried down the stairs.

It was barely 4 am, so the magical hallways of Hogwarts were deserted. Only people with something to hide were awake and about at this hour.

Pansy Parkinson was waiting at the double doors that led out of the Entrance Hall. She was tapping her foot impatiently, but her eyes were darting around in apparent nerves. Marcus approached her, and she rolled her eyes, “Finally. For Merlin’s sake, Redware.”

Marcus sneered, “Sorry, Parkinson, I had actually managed to get an hour of sleep and wasn’t particularly looking forward to getting up to meet you, knowing you’d be in such a cheerful state.”

Pansy shot him a rather sarcastic expression of sympathy.

The pair walked out into the crisp fall air in silence, a silence that was surprisingly comfortable for two people that seemed to have nothing in common.

“I’m worried about Y/N finding out, Pansy,” mumbled Marcus, he squeezed his eyes shut tight, “She’s my best friend, I can’t hide this from her. I’m jumpy around her, and she’s incredibly observant.”

Pansy pursed her lips, “Well, Marcus, you haven’t got much of a choice, do you? Anyway, I thought she wasn’t speaking to you,” her dark eyes flickered back and forth between Marcus’, and she softened, “Look, I don’t love this either. We haven’t really decided it for ourselves, no, but it’s not as bad as it could be. We could hate each other and not get on at all,” she raised her manicured hand to rest on Marcus’ shoulder, “Let’s make the best of it, yeah?”

Marcus sighed, raised his hand to sit on top of Pansy’s, and flashed her a small smile, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Pansy smiled in return. Their hands rested comfortably on each other’s for a minute, displaying twin sets of thin, faded, crisscrossing scars winding around their knuckles and wrists.

If anyone had seen the interaction, they might have thought they were witnessing Polyjuice Potion in acting, the pair were acting so out of character.

Pansy and Marcus weren’t the only people with something to hide, of course. Draco Malfoy was on the seventh floor, emerging from a disappearing door across from a tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. His platinum hair was tousled in a way that bordered on sloppy and his grey eyes were so heavy that they were half shut. He looked disheveled in a way that he would usually care to fix, if his priorities weren’t focused so strictly elsewhere.

While he had been spending a lot of time out past curfew this year, the amount had increased when he’d gotten himself detention. You and Draco had spent the last three nights in the small closet similarly to the first night: working in silence, you trying to make occasional conversation, hating the tediousness of your assigned task.

Draco could tell you were still curious about the box, he’d caught you eyeing him suspiciously from across the room during more than one Potions class, though you hadn’t asked him about it anymore, for which Draco was grateful. If he didn’t know better, he would have thought your hesitant glances and awkward attempts at conversation meant you fancied him.

As far as Draco was concerned, you already knew far too much about him. He had somehow managed to allow you to catch him crying, a situation that had been embarrassing to Draco for more reasons than one. Though you were mostly a nuisance, he had not liked that an intelligent, rather good-looking girl had seen him in such a state.

Draco entered the elegant Slytherin common room and slunk up the stairs to the dorm he shared with Crabbe, Goyle, Zabini, and Nott, trying desperately not to wake them as he slid under the silk sheets of his four-poster bed.

He didn’t have the time or luxury to change into pajamas.

---

At breakfast that morning, you sat across from Sue and Mandy, updating them on the events of last night’s detention, during which Draco had pointedly ignored your every attempt to speak to him, “Neither of us want to be there. But Merlin, I think he hates me,” you said, the thought crinkling your brow.

You weren’t sure how you felt about Draco. You had seen him crying, out of bed past curfew. He had been rude to you. He had threatened you. A normal person might have been scared off, but you were left rather intrigued.

Sue smiled sympathetically, “I’m sure that’s not the case, Y/N. He probably just loathes being in detention, and your being there, trying to get him to tell you all his secrets, isn’t making it any better.”

You laughed, “Yeah, I hope you’re right. Thanks, Sue.”

“I’ll lend my opinion anytime, Y/N!” Sue said, and you felt a rush of gratitude for the distraction they’d so willingly providing you since things had shifted between you and Marcus.

After breakfast, you make your way to Potions, not bothering to wait for Marcus, who hadn’t shown to classes at all since your argument. Every day you waited in anxiety for him to show, and every day your worry grew when he didn’t.

So, you were more than surprised when he walked into Slughorn’s classroom and sat next to you as if things were completely normal.

There was an awkward silence between you, as you did your best to ignore his presence and he settled in for class. You were more relieved that you would admit to see him attending classes again.

When he spoke, there was a tentative smile on his face, “I figured I couldn’t skip class anymore without everyone getting suspicious.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes, making a point to scoot your chair away from his. The relief you had felt before was quickly being replaced with annoyance.

He sighed, “Y/N, come on. I didn’t mean to lash out at you. Really, I don’t deserve your friendship, and I am just going through something right now and–”

You cut him off with a sharp glare, “You’re right. You don’t deserve it. I’m glad you’ve found Parkinson, she’s clearly more suited to you than I am.”

Marcus’ expression pinched in hurt, “Are you ever going to forgive me?”

You considered him, “Are you ready to tell me what’s going on with you?”

He looked away, “No. I can’t, Y/N.”

“Well, if you can’t trust me, a friend you’ve known since birth, might I add, over Pansy, Merlin knows what kind of relationship you’ve formed with her, I’m not sure I want to know anyway,” you turned to face the front of the classroom, where Slughorn was standing, trying to get the class’s attention, and held your chin up.

---

When classes were done for the day, you having spent a few of them avoiding Marcus’ attempt at reconciliation, you made your way to the North Tower to speak to Professor Trelawney.

You hadn’t taken Divination this year, your rigorous schedule having no room for it, but you had enjoyed it quite a bit during 5th year. Professors generally liked you, and Trelawney was not an exception.

When you clambered through the trap door, you were immediately met with heavily perfumed air, scented like incense and burning herbs.

Trelawney was inside, sitting on a plush-looking floor pillow, and drinking from a bottle holding a brown liquid.

“Hello, Professor Trelawney,” you called.

She looked up immediately, she didn’t seem to be doing anything important, but you felt a little guilty for interrupting her free time.

Her eyes widened at the sight of you, “Y/N, child, it’s been too long,” she rushed to your side, draping a blanket over you, though you weren’t the least bit cold, and ushered you to sit on another burgundy floor pillow, “You have come to me because you are in dire need of help,” she stated, as if this was something she had predicted.

“Well, yes, I have,” you shifted in your seat, “I’ve been having some rather…strange dreams.”

She nodded, “Go on, dear.”

“It’s just one recurring dream, really. There’s a rabbit, and I think it’s meant to be me because it always has my eyes. There’s also a snake and a hawk, and they dive for the rabbit, as if…well, I’m not sure what. I never get to see what happens. I always wake up before I can.”

Her eyes widened further, and you briefly wondered how long she had been sitting there drinking before you came in, “Oneiromancy is a complicated field of study. The things I taught you last year for the O.W.L.s just barely scratched at the surface, my dear,” she poured two cups of tea with a shaking hand, “It is smart to conclude that the rabbit is you. Dreams often come to us when we are in grave danger, when the universe wants to send us a sign. The snake, as I’m sure you’ve realized, is a symbol commonly associated with Salazar Slytherin,” she peered at you over her thick glasses, “Do you know any Slytherins on a personal level?”

You briefly thought of Malfoy, taking a sip from your tea, “Not really.”

“Hmm…” she eyed you suspiciously, “Well then, it is likely that the snake is meant to symbolize renewal, rebirth, or healing. As far as the hawk goes, the symbols vary. Some agree it is a warning to trust your intuition, others say it symbolizes impeding war,” she began to mumble, “Quite an accurate prediction, that would be.”

The room was silent for a few minutes as Trelawney sat beside you, either deep in thought or completely zoned out.

You cleared your throat, “So, what do you think, then? What does it mean?”

Trelawney jolted, “Oh, yes. I could guess at what the dreams are trying to tell you, but the only ones who can really know our dreams, child, is our own selves. It is impossible for me to know, as I do not have your subconscious.” She stood up suddenly, and disappeared behind the door that led to her office.

A minute or so later, she returned, looking somehow more frazzled than before, and handed you a book that read, The Dream Oracle’s Sequel: More Dreams, More Divination, by Inigo Imago. You took it gratefully from her hand.

“This is one of the books I recommend my N.E.W.T. level students read to prepare for their exam. I think you might benefit from reading it,” With this, she helped you off the floor and began pushing you to the trap door, “Please, my dear, be careful out there, you never know what people intend at times like these.”

Just as you were about to step through the trap door, she halted, “You don’t have any relation to Bethan L/N, do you?”

“Not that I know of, Professor.”

She nodded, accepting this information, “Talent for the Art of Divination, as you know, often runs in families. Bethan was a rather accomplished student I had during my first year of teaching.  Talented girl. A shame, I think, what happened to her,” Trelawney once again stared at you in a blank sort of way, as if she was somehow seeing the wall behind you through your head, “I’ll see you soon, darling. Careful on the stairs!”

You were soon on the stairs back to your common room, feeling immense regret at your decision to visit Trelawney, and rather tired from the dreamy perfumes in the attic-like classroom.

By time you reached the Ravenclaw Common Room, you were in desperate need of a nap. Thankfully, Sue and Mandy were absent along with your other dormmates; the room was peacefully silent.

They’re probably at dinner, you think with a tinge of jealousy as you lay down, most people are dealing with normal things, like homework…

…Rabbit. Snake. Hawk. NO!

There was pressure on your shoulder, and it was shaking gently, “Y/N? Y/N!”

You blinked awake, a bit confused. Sue and Mandy were standing by your bed, wearing concerned expressions.

Mandy pressed against your shoulder again, “Y/N, it’s past dinner. Shouldn’t you be in detention?”

Fuck.

Yes, you should have been in detention. You were about an hour late by time you actually arrived. Slughorn, luckily, was not waiting around to make sure you attended.

Draco, however, had started organizing his half of the closet, presumably a while ago.

He looked up when you rushed in, and you made brief eye contact with him before diverting your eyes and starting to work on your shelf.

You had been standing there in silence for a few minutes, and you realized that you were pushing the glass vials around without any thought to what you were doing.

One of the glass vials was big enough that you could see your reflection, which looked every bit as if you had just woken up from a month-long coma. The reflection blurred as your eyes swelled and stung with building pressure.

The argument with Marcus was obviously affecting you more than you had realized.

“Trouble in paradise?” questioned Draco.

You turned to face him, a little amazed that he was initiating conversation, a little weary of being teased, “What do you mean?”

He noted your forming tears, but his expression remained impressively neutral, “You and Redware.”

“It’s not­– Marcus and I aren’t dating,” you said, crossing your arms.

He rolled his eyes, “Fine. But there’s trouble, is there not?”

You furrowed your eyebrows, “Why do you care?”

“I don’t. You’re organizing your vials poorly, and I can’t afford to spend more time in detention because you’re being sloppy.”

That stung.

“Piss off, Malfoy,” you turned back around, wanting to hide the tears that you were sure would start pouring soon.

After a minute, you heard Draco sigh, “Pansy’s told me that Redware mentioned something about it.”

“Brilliant. Literally everyone knows more about Marcus than I do.”

Slughorn appeared then, apparently unaware of the tension in the small room, “Alright, Miss L/N, Mr. Malfoy, you can return to your common rooms now. Thank you.”

Due to the unintentional length of your nap, you hadn’t been there very long, but you did not hesitate to dismiss yourself and rush from the room.

---

Tag List (let me know if you want to be added): @drawlfoy​ @buckys-hoeee​ @silversslytherin​ @acciodracoo​ @afootnoteinyourhappiness​ @a-hopeless-fan​ @ilkaeliseb​ @accio-rogers​

[sometimesrosy]

6.12 Adjustment Protocol rewatch

okay here we go.

Watching Clarke pretend to be Josephine while possessed Madi threatens to kill them all, and she’s got to put on that callous act was terrible. But then she managed to delay Echo’s execution by saying she wanted to be there for Simone’s awakening which was clever. Abby threatens to kills Russell for killing Clarke, and he’s like “yeah, I thought I wouldn’t leave the path (path what path?) until I killed my family in the first eclipse, so I believe you.” I’m thinking, like granddaughter like grandmother.

Meanwhile Murphy is playing both sides to get immortality but also manage to save his people. Doesn’t manage to save Echo. But he lives another day to keep on scamming the rest.

Then Bellamy outside the compound chomping at the bit ready to change the plan because he can’t stand there doing nothing and Octavia is the reasonable one telling him to have faith. 

Sheidheda tells Raven he knows what she’s doing and will kill the child if she does it, meanwhile Russell is going to kill her with bone marrow extraction so Abby takes the nightblood serum so they can take the bone marrow from her. “Like mother like daughter,” Jackson says. In walks Clarke and she hugs Abby and everyone is stunned and relieved, and she say she. needs Raven to open the shields but Raven says no, she can’t leave Madi or sheidheda will kill her. And Clarke is like, good no. Okay, we’ll use Ryker. She’s be Josephine and persuade him. I really like the Raven and CLarke interaction here even though it’s focused on Abby and Madi. Raven’s sorrow at Josephine and relief at Clarke being alive was real and refusing to leave Madi, although Clarke was trying to be pragmatic, is a sign that Raven has grown in her moral development that so often sacrificed others for her pragmatism, and this time she was like, no. I have to do the right thing and save THIS child. Of course Clarke agreed. And when she went off to save them all, Raven was like, damn right, back where she belongs, saving our asses. I’ll take care of the fam and save Madi. Because it really felt like she was part of the family there. Caring for Abby, for Madi, and. believing in Clarke once again. I guess it makes Jackson the big bro. 

So Ryker’s dead and Clarke’s smart so she grabs the minddrive and plans to coerce his mom to open the shield and still pretending to be J. Why don’t they suspect her? IDK. Is she that good?

Raven finding out Emori and Murphy are the next primes was interesting. She was disappointed in Emori. I still think they had a poly thing for a while. BUt that is not analysis, that’s headcanon. Whatever happened on the ring stays on the ring. 

Then Gabriel flips when he finds out all the primes are coming back and he crashes their plan. NOW Bellamy wants to be reasonable. lol. I guess Octavia’s pep talk worked.

The scene where Clarke marches into the bar with Echo, Miller and Gaia hiding and grabs Priya to get the shield, she makes up a story about Ryker losing his nerve and Echo’s like, we can’t let them leave and attacks, takes out the guards (Delilah’s mom smacks one over the head, too!) and then Priya is running and Clarke clotheslines her. AWESOME. And Echo is like, “I knew it!” Because Echo never lost faith in Clarke or stopped believing in her. She understands Clarke because they have so many similarities. More than Bellamy even, Echo has been on Clarke’s side (probably because she has no hurt feelings about what she’s done.) Echo and Clarke hug and I loved to see it. Y’all are completely unfair to Echo as a character, mischaracterizing her because she’s the opposing ship. This whole stan/anti thing sucks. SORRY. little fandom rant. I apologize. Moving on. Gaia didn’t believe. She’s like How are you here? Miller and Echo are just like, of course she’s here, she’s Clarke. duh. 

OH Abby and Raven reconciled. Abby admits that bodysnatching for Kane was wrong, all she wanted was him back, but now that she got Clarke back, she understands Raven was right. And RAVEN is like, I’m sorry I’ve been judging you so unfairly, you’re human. And here we have character development revelations that we’ve been waiting for. Abby says you may not be my daughter but you’re my family, solidifying their mother/daughter type relationship and the hug. YAY! Reconciliation and apologies and understanding hurrah!

I should have known.

In comes Russell and Memori. Abby is like, “I know how scared you are but betraying your friends isn’t the way to do it.” He says, “believe it or not this is good for you too.” And honestly, he is trying to save them. And if Bellarke’s plan hadn’t worked, what they do would be the best option. But as it is, it’s just a backup and it does help their plan eventually. 

And then Russell asks for Abby’s help. And then Abby gets suspicious. And he tells her he has all the primes he needs. And this is so sick.

His rationale is “I killed your daughter, and because you will ask me to pay for that murder, I am going to kill you too.”

That is NOT eye for an eye. He can’t even stick to his own twisted morality.

Jackson for the first time gets violent and hits a guard but the other guard takes him down while another holds Raven. Abby is given the shot and falls. The last thing she sees is her daughter Raven, her son Jackson, and then she starts flashing through Jake, Kane, and Clarke growing up. Before she’s dead.

I hate Russell. There’s no way he’d be my favorite villain. 

Russll vs Gabriel. “Without death life is meaningless.” But the resurrections are done. Nothing more powerufl than the truth. “You’re wrong, faith is.” He thinks seeing all their gods will make them have faith again.

The alarm goes off too soon ruining the plan. Gabriel. You messed up.

Gabriel can’t even kill Russell. “You never had the stomach to be a god.” WHY do gods have to kill people? Russell you suck.

Oh the primes. Murphy and Emori look so damn good. Honestly. They look beautiful. 

The shield goes down and Bellamy says “I told you she’d do it,” and Octavia is like what? And then elbows him and laughs. What a great tiny moment that shows they have gotten back to their relationship. Not perfect, but THEM. Well done. 

Bellamy takes Priya to tell the truth to the Sanctumites and it’s sad, admitting that they weren’t one with the primes and they weren’t gods, just humans with technology, needing their bodies to live forever. Then Russell, the demon, gasses everyone and they go psychotic. The parents killed Priya which was fitting. But Clarke and Gaia go to save Madi and Echo leads earthrku and COG into the machine shop where she was imprisoned. The action has less meaningful stuff to the narrative, I find. But fun.

Oh Clarke, they do the rotating camera until she sees Abby. Jackson and Raven are crying and Clarke is overcome. Almost. Gabriel draws her attention and she yells at him about her broken heart and his treachery. It was very kind of him. 

Stupid Simone is like “well at least you have closure.” WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN? 

Then they need Raven because they have no pilot since they killed the Lees and Simone puts a gun to Madi’s head. Russell’s about to throw Gaia to the wolves but Clarke saves her by saying they’ll need her to get onto the ship. 

Open to shot of Indra guarding the door with armed guards as it opens to Simone, Russell and Clarke!Josephine holding guns to the heads of Madi, Raven and Gaia on their knees. 

Russell is SUCH a villain. Nothing redeeming about him except for his looks and dignified appearance and that is not enough. And Simone is heartless. I suppose they are the Head and Heart of that generation. Simone was a shadow of Abby, and in the end, the shadow swallowed her. 

@linzzmorgan100 @wolfheartgirl  @braindeadkat @kattitudereads @beholdmysparkle @elspethelfgordie @theatre-steph @franklyineedcoffee  @iishallbelieve

[sixqueendom]

New Fanfic: If Only You Would Listen, Chapter 2

So, after having a few requests to, I’ve decided to post my new fic on here as well as AO3. If you would prefer to read on AO3, I have included the link below! No real warnings for this one. Just the usual angst I'm sure you've grown accustomed to with my fics if you’ve read any of my previous work!

A huge thank you to Phoebe (@theatergirl06), Lilac (@timetoriseabove) and  Blue (@pen-and-a-microphone) for beta-reading this fic! You  guys are the best!

AO3 Link -----------------

When Catherine slowly entered Jane’s bedroom, she found her curled up in a ball on her bed, knees drawn up to her chest, sobs racking her whole body. It was clear that Kitty’s cruel words had crushed her, broken her heart. Kitty had, in her moment of turmoil, struck the older woman’s weakest point and brought her tumbling down. Now, hearing her cry, Catherine felt a desperate need to console her. She perched herself on the edge of the bed, placing a gentle hand on Jane’s arm. This prompted Jane to prop herself up, making a futile attempt to wipe her tears, before Catherine enveloped her in a warm hug.

“You know she doesn’t mean what she said,” she soothed, stroking her hair comfortingly as Jane continued to sob into her shoulder. “She’s just taking her frustration out on you.”

Catherine was furious with the younger girl for her sudden outburst and, in particular, the unnecessary tirade fired at Jane. Yes, she had to admit that there were occasions when even she thought Jane was being a little overbearing on the youngest Queen, but she knew Jane had always been full of good intentions. Jane simply doted on Kitty. The motherly woman looked out for them all, but it was Kitty she had formed a particularly strong bond with. Catherine assumed it served as a coping mechanism for Jane, like a substitute for the loss in her past life. It was undeniable that anyone could ever replace her beloved son, but she’d seen Kitty, the young, sweet girl who had been so unloved in her past life, as an opportunity to be some kind of a mother and fulfil a desire she’d yearned for for years. To help nurture and care. She was so thoughtful: she always baked them their favourite cakes for their birthdays. She was patient, always willing to listen and offer sound and sensible advice. And, on the rare occasions where disputes and minor altercations broke out, she was the referee, always finding a fair solution or compromise and ensuring a reconciliation. Jane was undoubtedly the glue that held them all together. Without her, they would all simply fall apart. So, when it was Jane who was in pieces, none of the Queens knew how to pick up the broken parts.

After a few minutes, Jane’s tears began to subside. 

“Am I really that overbearing?”

Catherine drew back so she could face her properly. 

“There’s no excuse for what she said back there. None at all, and I don’t condone it. But the trouble with Kitty is that she’s never really experienced the unconditional love and care that you provide. Let’s face it, the poor girl was pretty much on her own, left completely to her own devices. I mean, she really did have a terrible upbringing. She was shunned by her parents, who showed little interest in her, then passed on to a neglectful stepmother who was responsible for the sorry mess that damaged her in the first place. She’s never had any guidance on how to navigate life, or been shown any affection. So, perhaps her idea of love is a bit skewed...a bit different from what say, you and I, would consider love to be. So to her, maybe it seems a bit much.”

Jane kept her head bowed. When she didn’t speak, Catherine continued. 

“Oh, Jane.” She gave the woman’s hand a squeeze. “We all know you only want what’s best for her. She’s very lucky to have you.”

Jane gave a small smile. At least Catherine understood her. But there was another issue that was also gnawing away at her.

“We should never have shut her out of our conversations like that,” Jane shook her head despondently. “We assumed what we were doing was the right thing, but…” She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders. Their attempt at keeping Kitty from getting upset had been futile.

Catherine sighed in resignation. “Maybe we should have included her more. But again, we were just doing what we all thought was for the best. We were trying to protect her.”

The group had collectively made the decision the morning after one of Kitty’s particularly bad nightmares. It was clear that the girl suffered enough in her sleep, so they decided to try and avoid certain topics when she was around, not wanting to add to her distress or further exacerbate her already horrible nightmares. It had been Anne who had prompted them, voicing her concern and wishing that she didn’t have to console her distraught cousin most nights. They had all agreed, some more enthusiastically than others, hoping their decision would shield Kitty. How wrong they had been. Instead of keeping her at a safe distance, they had inadvertently pushed her away. 

“I know you don’t like to leave things unresolved, but I think on this occasion it’d be best to sleep on it…let everyone have the chance to calm down. We’ll see how we all are in the morning.” Catherine had to admit she was tired, longing for the comfort of her bed. She got up to leave, but not before giving Jane another quick hug.

“What about Anna?”

Jane hadn’t missed the slamming of the door, followed by Kitty’s soft cries as she hurried upstairs. She’d assumed it had been Anna who had left, knowing the German had little patience with arguments and often knew when to walk away. 

“I’ll have Cathy listen out for her coming home. She won’t have gone far,” Catherine assured, pausing at the door. “Try and get some sleep.”

------------------------

Anna had decided to escape the chaos and clear her head with a walk. Whenever she was upset or angry, she always knew fresh air would help calm her down, rearrange her jumbled thoughts and make sense of what had happened. It helped ground her again. 

She’d been appalled at Kitty’s eruption, but the final straw had been targeting Jane. Yet, she hadn’t exactly set a good example herself. She too was guilty of firing words that she hadn’t meant. Now, she was beating herself up for uttering those harsh words. So, really, was she any better than Kitty?

Unbeknownst to the youngest Queen, it had been her and Jane who had been most opposed to the suggestion of cutting Kitty out of conversations concerning their past lives. They had, after some convincing, agreed, but reluctantly. Anna had felt the urge to defend her loyal friend in her absence, to make her case heard. She knew that the rest of them underestimated Kitty. Anna knew from their friendship in their past lives that behind that seemingly quiet, reserved facade was an intelligent and strong girl, with more resilience than anyone could ever know.

How long had this been brewing? How long had Kitty been dismissing her true feelings, pushing them to the side, tolerating their behaviour towards her and making her feel...worthless? How long had this hurricane been building before it finally reared its ugly head? What’s more, how had she missed the signs? 

As a friend, Anna felt like she’d let Kitty down in that respect. She should have checked in on her more, sought her out during quiet times of the day to see if she wanted to talk. Instead, she had continued as normal, not taking into consideration the impact their decision as a group could have on the younger girl. Of course she was eventually going to wake up and realise something was amiss. They had been foolish to think otherwise. 

She would talk to Kitty as soon as she got home, Anna vowed there and then. She would apologise for her hurtful comment, try to make amends, prove how much she meant to her as a friend. 

Anna owed her that much.

--------------------------------

Anne lay in the darkness, filled with guilt. It had been her idea, hadn’t it? She thought she’d been suggesting the best thing to help her cousin. Clearly traumatised from her past, Anne just assumed it was for the better if the Queens didn’t discuss any topic she’d find triggering in her presence. Whether it be interview preparations or just casual conversation, Kitty was not to hear any details or reminders of her past life. Instead of helping, it had only frustrated the younger girl, making her feel excluded from the group. That, alongside Jane’s maternal fussing, had left her feeling like a child. 

She decided to text Kitty, hesitating on the “Send” button. When she gained her resolve and sent the message, she heard the reassuring “ping” through the wall. She waited in anticipation, hoping her cousin would be willing to respond. The response never came. After fifteen minutes, Anne sent another message. Half an hour later, Anne, growing concerned, finally knocked on Kitty’s door. No response. Anne tentatively opened the door a crack. Still nothing. When the door fully opened, she gasped. The room was empty. In her confusion, Anne didn’t hesitate to press the call button. Her face paled as she heard the familiar ringtone, her eyes drawn to the lit up screen of Kitty’s phone on the bedside table. 

Anne fell to her knees.

Kitty was gone.

---------------------------

As soon as Kitty left the house, she had withdrawn as much cash as she could out of the nearest ATM  before purchasing a new Oyster card at the Tube station and riding to Leicester Square, where she hoped to blend into the crowds. It was one of the benefits of London being so busy; it was easier to hide in amongst the throngs of tourists and commuters. Sitting on the Tube alone, though, surrounded by complete strangers, she could feel herself getting anxious. Her determination began to falter; the cracks beginning to show. She forced herself to take some deep breaths, counting the stops until she could make her escape. 

She walked the streets aimlessly for an hour, just allowing her feet to take her anywhere. She wandered amongst couples, families, businessmen...people from all walks of life. All with a purpose. Everyone around her went about their evenings, and Kitty began to imagine their stories. That man in the smart blue suit was heading home to a loving family, a wife and two kids who would wrap their arms around him as soon as he got through the door. The young love-struck couple, walking hand in hand, were out on their first date, probably heading to the cinema to see a comedy and kiss in the back row. Then there was her, with nowhere to go. No destination in mind, no family or loved ones to go home to. As she grew more and more tired, she realised she had no real plan. She decided to check-in to a nearby hotel using a false name, figuring she could think straight in the morning after some rest.

But once she was settled into her room, it didn’t take long for loneliness to creep in. Realising it was later than she initially thought, she decided she should at least attempt to sleep. Crawling under the covers, wrapping herself up like a cocoon, Kitty prayed for sleep. But, in this unfamiliar place, with the constant hum of a city still alive even this late outside her window, it was useless. Instead, she found herself taking out the photo again. She gazed at each of their faces, tears pricking in her eyes as she realised the familiar ache in her heart. She missed them. 

Cathy, who was the only one guaranteed to still be awake at 2am, diligently writing, who she often sought out for comfort when, like now, she could not sleep. They had spent many an hour in her bedroom, just talking over mugs of hot chocolate and marshmallows, gazing out the window thoughtfully at the stars.

Anna, her close friend even in her past life, who always cheered her up when she was down, cracking jokes and playing silly antics in their dressing rooms backstage; the class clown. Between shows, Anna always dropped into her dressing room to hang out with her and Anne. They’d shared so many fun times together: spontaneous dancing, lip-synching songs...just being, well, them. If there was one thing about Anna, she always brought out her wild, fun side. 

Catherine, older and wiser, offered good advice and a calm demeanor. She preferred to enjoy her mornings in solitude, engrossed in her magazine with a mug of tea. The rest of the group knew better than to disturb her. Yet, she made an exception for Kitty, who she occasionally invited to join her, letting her flick through the colourful pages of beautiful dresses and shoes she could only dream of wearing. Catherine would indulge her curiosity and fascination, each of them marking their favourites from the pages before giving their opinions and critiques on each. 

Jane...at the thought, Kitty felt her heart wrench. She was the motherly figure of the group, the shoulder to cry on. The one everyone could depend on for her patience, sensibility and empathy. She’d taken Kitty under her wing and treated her like she was her own. Whenever Kitty was having a rough day, she could guarantee Jane would bake her cupcakes or cookies to cheer her up, or get her out of the house with a visit to the city or just a simple walk. Jane always knew how to make her smile again. And she’d thrown it all back in her face. A solitary tear fell down Kitty’s cheek. 

Lastly, there was Anne. Her partner in crime; her beloved cousin. She was responsible for helping bring Kitty out of her shell, with her mischievous and loud personality. If there was chaos in the house, chances are Anne was the culprit. But usually, Kitty wasn’t too far behind. She had always felt she could be herself around her cousin; she felt more confident in her presence. It was Anne she often crept into bed with after a bad nightmare, the one she trusted with all her secrets.

As Kitty closed her eyes, she recalled their first show. How thrilling it had been taking their bows together, hearing the audience cheer and applaud so loudly. She remembered looking at each of the Queens and smiling, thinking this is my family. She had been so proud to call them that, so thankful. They’d been united by their past, awful events that they had revived and reclaimed. Proof that good could rise from bad. After all, it would have been easy to think six Tudor Queens reincarnated together, with past tensions, would have been a recipe for disaster. At first, it had admittedly been a challenge. Definitely not plain sailing. Yet, they’d put their differences aside and called a truce. They had become a family. 

Without them, Kitty felt lost. What’d she’d give right now to have Anne snuggled close beside her, whispering into her ear. To have Jane fuss over her, to call her just to check in and make sure she was safe. Suddenly, she regretted her outburst. She’d made a huge mistake. She just wanted things to go back to normal. She wouldn’t take anything for granted anymore. 

But it was too late. The damage was done. She couldn’t turn back now.

Instead, Kitty clutched the photo close to her chest, a pitiful imitation of the people she wished were there. Curling up, she allowed the tears to fall.

[setinprovincialbohemia]

ON SELF-RESPECT 

Joan Didion (1961)

Once, in a dry season, I wrote in large letters across two pages of a notebook that innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself. Although now, some years later, I marvel that a mind on the outs with itself should have nonetheless made painstaking record of its every tremor, I recall with embarrassing clarity the flavor of those particular ashes. It was a matter of misplaced self-respect.

I had not been elected to Phi Beta Kappa. This failure could scarcely have been more predictable or less ambiguous (I simply did not have the grades), but I was unnerved by it; I had somehow thought myself a kind of academic Raskolnikov, curiously exempt from the cause-effect relationships which hampered others. Although even the humorless nineteen-year-old that I was must have recognized that the situation lacked real tragic stature, the day that I did not make Phi Beta Kappa nonetheless marked the end of something, and innocence may well be the word for it. I lost the conviction that lights would always turn green for me, the pleasant certainty that those rather passive virtues which had won me approval as a child automatically guaranteed me not only Phi Beta Kappa keys but happiness, honor, and the love of a good man; lost a certain touching faith in the totem power of good manners, clean hair, and proved competence on the Stanford-Binet scale. To such doubtful amulets had my self-respect been pinned, and I faced myself that day with the nonplussed apprehension of someone who has come across a vampire and has no crucifix at hand.

Although to be driven back upon oneself is an uneasy affair at best, rather like trying to cross a border with borrowed credentials, it seems to me now the one condition necessary to the beginnings of real self-respect. Most of our platitudes notwithstanding, self-deception remains the most difficult deception. The tricks that work on others count for nothing in that well-lit back alley where one keeps assignations with oneself; no winning smiles will do here, no prettily drawn lists of good intentions. One shuffles flashily but in vain through ones’ marked cards the kindness done for the wrong reason, the apparent triumph which involved no real effort, the seemingly heroic act into which one had been shamed. The dismal fact is that self-respect has nothing to do with the approval of others – who we are, after all, deceived easily enough; has nothing to do with reputation, which, as Rhett Butler told Scarlett O’Hara, is something people with courage can do without.

To do without self-respect, on the other hand, is to be an unwilling audience of one to an interminable documentary that deals one’s failings, both real and imagined, with fresh footage spliced in for every screening. There’s the glass you broke in anger, there’s the hurt on X’s face; watch now, this next scene, the night Y came back from Houston, see how you muff this one. To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night, beyond the reach of warm milk, the Phenobarbital, and the sleeping hand on the coverlet, counting up the sins of commissions and omission, the trusts betrayed, the promises subtly broken, the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice, or carelessness. However long we postpone it, we eventually lie down alone in that notoriously uncomfortable bed, the one we make ourselves. Whether or not we sleep in it depends, of course, on whether or not we respect ourselves.

To protest that some fairly improbably people, some people who could not possibly respect themselves, seem to sleep easily enough is to miss the point entirely, as surely as those people miss it who think that self-respect has necessarily to do with not having safety pins in one’s underwear. There is a common superstition that “self-respect” is a kind of charm against snakes, something that keeps those who have it locked in some unblighted Eden, out of strange beds, ambivalent conversations, and trouble in general. It does not at all. It has nothing to do with the face of things, but concerns instead a separate peace, a private reconciliation. Although the careless, suicidal Julian English inAppointment in Samara and the careless, incurably dishonest Jordan Baker in The Great Gatsby seem equally improbably candidates for self-respect, Jordan Baker had it, Julian English did not. With that genius for accommodation more often seen in women than men, Jordan took her own measure, made her own peace, avoided threats to that peace: “I hate careless people,” she told Nick Carraway. “It takes two to make an accident.”

Like Jordan Baker, people with self-respect have the courage of their mistakes. They know the price of things. If they choose to commit adultery, they do not then go running, in an access of bad conscience, to receive absolution from the wronged parties; nor do they complain unduly of the unfairness, the undeserved embarrassment, of being named co-respondent. In brief, people with self-respect exhibit a certain toughness, a kind of mortal nerve; they display what was once called character, a quality which, although approved in the abstract, sometimes loses ground to other, more instantly negotiable virtues. The measure of its slipping prestige is that one tends to think of it only in connection with homely children and United States senators who have been defeated, preferably in the primary, for reelection. Nonetheless, character – the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life – is the source from which self- respect springs.

Self-respect is something that our grandparents, whether or not they had it, knew all about. They had instilled in them, young, a certain discipline, the sense that one lives by doing things one does not particularly want to do, by putting fears and doubts to one side, by weighing immediate comforts against the possibility of larger, even intangible, comforts. It seemed to the nineteenth century admirable, but not remarkable, that Chinese Gordon put on a clean white suit and held Khartoum against the Mahdi; it did not seem unjust that the way to free land in California involved death and difficulty and dirt. In a diary kept during the winter of 1846, an emigrating twelve-yaer-old named Narcissa Cornwall noted coolly: “Father was busy reading and did not notice that the house was being filled with strange Indians until Mother spoke out about it.” Even lacking any clue as to what Mother said, one can scarcely fail to be impressed by the entire incident: the father reading, the Indians filing in, the mother choosing the words that would not alarm, the child duly recording the event and noting further that those particular Indians were not, “fortunately for us,” hostile. Indians were simply part of the donnee.

In one guise or another, Indians always are. Again, it is a question of recognizing that anything worth having has its price. People who respect themselves are willing to accept the risk that the Indians will be hostile, that the venture will go bankrupt, that the liaison may not turn out to be one in which every day is a holiday because you’re married to me. They are willing to invest something of themselves; they may not play at all, but when they do play, they know the odds.

That kind of self-respect is a discipline, a habit of mind that can never be faked but can be developed, trained, coaxed forth. It was once suggested to me that, as an antidote to crying, I put my head in a paper bag. As it happens, there is a sound physiological reason, something to do with oxygen, for doing exactly that, but the psychological effect alone is incalculable: it is difficult bin the extreme to continue fancying oneself Cathy in Wuthering Heights with ones head in a Food Fair bag. There is a similar case for all the small disciplines, unimportant in themselves; imagine maintaining any kind of swoon, commiserative or carnal, in a cold shower.

But those small disciplines are valuable only insofar as they represent larger ones. To say that Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton is not to say that Napoleon might have been saved by a crash program in cricket; to give formal dinners in the rain forest would be pointless did not the candlelight flickering on the liana call forth deeper, stronger disciplines, values instilled long before. It is a kind of ritual, helping us to remember who and what we are. In order to remember it, one must have known it.

To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out – since our self-image is untenable – their false notion of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Helen Keller to anyone’s Annie Sullivan; no expectation is too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of divining and meeting the next demand made upon us.

It is the phenomenon sometimes called “alienation from self.” In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands too much, tears the nerves, drains the will, and the specter of something as small as an unanswered letter arouses such disproportionate guilt that answering it becomes out of the question. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves – there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home.

[aislinceivun]

Hi! I know that you’ve said that you won’t continue with the sequel planned for Wandering Bird, but I was wondering if I could inquire on what you might’ve written? It’s just, I really adore your fic; can’t get it out of my head actually (so I’m so sorry if I’m being insensitive!) You mentioned once that you were going to do a POV from Arthur Gwen and Morgana- does that mean they (Morgana and Gwen specifically) had an idea of Merlin’s fate? Could Arthur “see” Merlin during his adventures? Part 1

Part 2: (Again, I apologize for my questions-your story just has so many interesting plot points!!) How would Bonnie and Co interact/react to Arthur’s return? Why couldn’t Freya interact much with Merlin; Was it a lack of magic, interference or something else? Somewhat weird question: but did you have anything in mind for Merlin’s Vigil Night? (If he can get one poor dear). (Gushing continued in third ask I’m so sorry)

Part 3: I loved how you showed Arthur considering legal reforms before his death-and the Phoenix as the emblem? *Chef’s Kiss* Was the creation of the phoenix’s later on a reference to that? Random aside: I really adored how badass you made Merlin, without making him too edgy or dark, you know? Also I really loved the many prophecies/legends surrounding just Merlin as “Emrys”! I adore literally everything about Aithusa, and her final scene made me bawl (also your art is gorgeous!) You’re amazing!

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Don’t ever apologize for asking questions about fics! Even if they’re old fics the author doesn’t plan on returning to, these kind of asks can really make their day and I’m sure 98% of the time they’ll just be over the moon that someone still thinks so much about their work :D I am!!

I still get emotional thinking about Aithusa, so I’m super glad her storyline made you feel so deeply. And that yuo liked Merlin’s portrayal and the lore about him! And thea art! Ahh, just, thank you! 🥰

Unfortunately, I no longer have my original outlines and the roughly 15k I’ve written due to my old laptop crashing, and it’s been 7 years (oh my gosh how) so I no longer remember the details. Which is too bad - I have several abandoned fics in my mother tongue, and I always uploaded summaries of what was supposed to happen to provide some kind of closure to readers. I can’t do that properly with Wandering, but I’ll try my best!

Putting the rest under a cut. :)

Feathers was inteded to be a series of 7 fics: 3 long main stories and 4 shorter (8-15k) standalone side-stories. The graphics are pretty much the only thing I still have  left x’D

You know this one, 75k of how Merlin spends those roughly 1500 years between the end of the show and Arthur’s rebirth. Then, the stuff that never got finished:

The Gwen POV side story, set during ch1 of Wandering. Focused on Gwen dealing with Arthur’s death, managing the kingdom and working on abolishing discrimination against magic users. Also getting together with Leon after a few years.

The Morgana POV one, at parts corresponding to ch1 and ch2 of Wandering. Honestly, I’m no longer sure about the details, but the early parts were supposed to explain and detail show canon, and then... I think I meant to bring her back in as a literal bird. With the life span of it, just keeping her consciousness, so she can watch what happens in the world. She probably watched over Aithusa, too, and Merlin, and IDK but the goal was to show her thoughts and eventually give her character justice and closure.

The Arthur POV one. He was kept in some kind of otherworldly, underwater palace-like place and could only interact with Freya, really, but he did get constant flashes of Merlin - especially where he was near Albion. This short was supposed to be very dream-like, as time works differenetly in that place. It’s kind of like when you’re half-asleep, y’know? So Arthur didn’t really live those 1500 years like Merlin did, but he followed his journey, in a way. When Freya “woke him up” at the end, they did have a conversation about it. He lost these memories when he was reborn. (But he still often dreams of water and a kind lady)

The next big one! Set in 2012, this would’ve started with Arthur & Merlin going to uni and “meeting each other” and ended with Arthur finally regaining his memories. Merlin kept away from him while Arthur was growing up, you see - aside from that one time when he learnt that by pure chance, Ray (who became a PE teacher) ended up being one of lil’ Chris/Arthur’s teachers. As old man Emrys, he got himself some history teaching shtick because he wanted to see how Arthur was doing, but he quickly realized that this is not going to work, what with him being in love with the man Arthur is going to become. xD So he left after a few months, and kept away from Arthur. (But kept pestering Ray with questions :D)

Anyway, when Arthur goes to uni (by this point, he exclusively goes by ‘Arthur’ btw, dropping Christopher) Merlin magics himself back into his eighteen year old form and gets enrolled in the same school. Agatha and Mike would have had prominent roles as basically Merlin’s sidekicks. Aggie is especially close with him, after him mentoring her about magic all her life.

Arthur has no memories either of his old life or about the years spent with Freya, so the dynamic at first is pretty much show S1. Most of the angst would have come from Arthur finally wanting to get together with Merlin but Merlin pulling away because there’s just too much Arthur doesn’t know; how is he supposed to be together with him when he’s hiding so much, lying so much? This Arthur is pure and free of the tragedies of the past, and maybe it’d be best if Merlin left him alone... But something must be happening - something the world needs Arthur for, if he slept through WWI and WWII but NOW fate decided to send him back...

Anyways, he would have gotten back his memories aroud the end of this instalment. Cue a lot of crying from Merlin’s part.

The last big one, a direct sequel to With Memories. A lot of recap and talking in the early parts, Merlin and Arthur reconciliating who they were in the past with who they are in the present and who they wanna be in the future. 

There was a Big Bad of some kind of malicious magical origin (not necessarily a person, but an “end of the world” kind of thing/entity. It was 2012 after all. Little did we knew the real shit was coming 8 years later It was revealed that Arthur had magic himself, plenty of it - he couldn’t use it, at all, but he wielded a lot of pure magic, maybe related to how he was basically marinated in magic-juice for over fifteen centuries and how his soul was pushed back into the world xD There was a lot of magical and dragon-related lore to be revealed. The Phoenixes came back to play a part in resolving the Big Bad, too. But it’s all very hazy. What I do remember is that to fix the Big Bad, Merlin AND Arthur had to hold their Vigil Night, in a way - not dying, god now, but both of them hand to give all their combined magic back to earth.  This resulted in the Big Bad no longer happening and Merlin losing his immortality =)

After figuring out their shit in the first half, they were pretty much together, btw. Learning each other in a new way. Arthur digged Merlin’s Phoenix emblem tattoo, that’s for sure. A lot of communication was needed, especially because it wasn’t easy for Arthur to understand Merlin’s grief (sometimes, Merlin looked so old despite the young form he wore; sometimes he felt ancient, and Arthur was a bit scared in his presence - not scared of Merlin, but scared of how to measure up to him, reach him, help him.) And Merlin had to understand that even with his old memories, Arthur wasn’t exactly that Arthur, the king - he had a life of his own in the present, a new identity, and it was unfair of Merlin to expect him to be the same. They no doubt talked a lot about Merlin’s lived experiences, his lost ones, Aithusa. (Merlin never stopped wearing the pendant made of Aithusa’s scale)

Happy end, of course :)

Well, that was a lot of vaaaague stuff, but hopefully gave you an idea? Bonnie wasn’t around too much, though I’m sure I’d have included some scenes with her. She probably didn’t met Arthur until Together Again. Aggie liked him fine but kept teasing him and she could be a bit harsh, what with her being so overprotective of Merlin. Mike and Arthur got along really well. Arthur was shocked when he was first fully introduced to the whole family and was met with his old PE teacher AND that brought up the fact Merlin attempted to teach him for a few months xDD 

Buuuuut.... this was still just 6, eh?

Last instalment, another side oneshot, and a prequel to the whole series. Kilgharrah’s POV. Set a few generation’s before Uther’s rein, elaborating on some of the lore and backstories revealed in Together Again. (all of which I no longer remember, rip) I know we’d have met an ancestor of both Merlin and Arthur through Kilgharrah: Aurelius Ambrosius, who does some good deed to Kilgharrah, and the dragon blesses him - after this, the man takes the name Pendragon. And Coel, who was a dragon lord, husband to Ystradwal high priestess. Coel had a cheerful and kind personality, and he was the first human Kilgharrah came to like. They became friends. Coel was supposed to be Merlin’s grandfather, I think. Kilgharrah and his mate were expecting their first egg to hatch when Uther’s purge started, and that was pretty much the end of this short =(

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All I have left aside from these is some tidbits of dialogue from the single file on the sequels I have:

~

“Whoa, Merlin, slow down. I can’t follow you.”

“I’m different from you. Okay? I’m not... I wasn’t... I didn’t reincarnate. I’m not a reincarnation of the original Merlin. I am the original Merlin. Do you understand? I never... Look, I never died.”

“You are. The same Merlin." Merlin nods. "The same Merlin who mucked out my horses and saved me countless times and magicked his way into my life.”

“I’m afraid, sire.”

The title comes without a conscious thought, and when he realizes, his heart twists and cracks.

Arthur just stares at him.

~

“So? Who are you guys, then?”

“I wasn’t lying about them. They are family. No! Gods, no, not like that,” he adds quickly upon seeing Arthur’s widening eyes.

“He’s our magical fairy godfather,” Mike and Aggie say in perfect union, completely straight-faced.

 ~

“The only times I was really miserable were the very first few hundred years, and later the roughly three centuries that followed Aithusa’s death. For the rest of the time, I wasn’t completely alone, and that... helped. A lot. But... it was hard. I hated how everyone I cared for withered away and died before my eyes, so I tried to keep people away for a long time. I was lonely, but that kept me safe from heartbreak. At least, that’s what I’d thought.

“But then I met Bonnie, and as I watched her grow up and start a family - a family that welcomed me - I realised how foolish I was for attempting to condone myself to a solitary life and deny myself the warmth of others’ love.”

~

Arthur wipes a hand over his face. “Owning a magical heritage but no apparent talent to use it... Just. Great. I’m a fucking Quibble!”

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Phew!! What a trip down memory lane xD And I actually remembered more than I thought I would, so that’s nice. Thank you for enabling me to ramble and recall some stuff a really liked about this verse. I hope I was able to give you some closure! Cheers!♥