#i write this while i feel

[aprilthebiqueen]

Some Hygiene Ideas When It Seems Hard

You aren’t alone if the act of having a shower, or brushing your teeth seems extra daunting, draining or just outright impossible. 

There are no magic fixes, but here are some tips that might be useful to you. 

Brushing Your Teeth

Brushing your teeth may seem impossible! And that’s so valid. Here’s the thing, sometimes we can ditch the regular “rules” and do what we need. Some things that help me:

Keeping a toothbrush and toothpaste in the shower. I find it so much easier to brush my teeth while I’m already in the shower with the water running. 

Brushing for 30 seconds is better than nothing! You don’t have to do the entire two minutes. 

If you can afford it, an electric toothbrush can help. 

You can brush your teeth with water! No, really. It’s better than nothing. Dampen your toothbrush with a bit of water and brush your teeth! 

Having a Shower

I don’t know about you, but having a shower is the most daunting task there is for me. It is so exhausting to even think about. Here are some ideas to make it easier. 

Prepare for the After

For me, it’s what happens after the shower that is draining. It makes it a bit easier for me to get my clothes ready, have my towel laid out, and anything else I need. 

Have Products you Love 

Having my favourite smelling body wash and shampoo is so nice, and there’s a part of me that wants to shower just to use them. 

Don’t Focus on Washing Yourself. 

This sounds weird, but hear me out a bit. Focusing on it as a task we have to do may make it more exhausting. It might sound silly, but for me, I imagine the shower is a waterfall or rain that is “washing away” some of my bad thoughts, feelings and helping me lighten the load. I focus on turning it into a calm experience. 

You can also just focus on standing in the water, and not actually washing yourself. It’s still likely to help you feel more clean!

Tips for Both Brushing Your Teeth & Showering

Call for Company

For me, sometimes I call a friend and stay on the phone with them until I actually get in the shower. This can help in the “pre shower” ritual and make it seem less intimidating. I have also kept a friend on the phone while I brushed my teeth. 

An alternative is that sometimes I find a friend who also finds the act of showering or brushing their teeth super draining, and we make a pact to do it at the same time and then we text each other when it’s time and both go do what we need to do. We then come back and text each other and tell each other “good job!” This is kind of like an accountability buddy.

Play Some Music

I find that playing music helps, especially if it’s music that makes me feel a bit pumped up.

Focus on One Step at a Time

I find the whole idea of showering and/or brushing my teeth exhausting. There are so many steps to showering between getting undressed, getting the water on, washing my hair etc... I find that sometimes it can help to just focus on one step at a time and not the whole picture. What do I need to do first? For me, I need to turn the water on because it takes a few minutes to heat up. So I’ll focus on one thing at that moment, just turning the water on. That’s all I have to do. And then I go from there and see if I can work my way through the steps without looking at the “big” picture.

Alternatives to Help Feel Clean

Some days, we just can’t do it. And that’s okay! Here are some alternatives to help you feel clean:

Wash your face

Brush your hair

Use dry shampoo

Use body lotion

Change your clothes

Get some baby wipes or other wipes to use

Have a bath! (Use a bath bomb, bubble bath, something to make it feel pampering instead of like a task. A bath is much easier to put on an audio book, or even a show to keep you occupied).

Use some mouth wash 

Remember that not being able to take care of your hygiene does not affect your worth! You are still worthy, even when you aren’t able to do the things you need/want to do. 

Check out my blog post on this topic here!

[thatpunnyperson]

According to NBC here in the US, the missing titanic sub has been found. As debris. Off the bow of the Titanic wreckage.

And it looks like the sub suffered what we all suspected, and what was undoubtedly the more merciful of the two options: a catastrophic implosion from the pressure.

Also, more info has come to light about the fishing trawler with the hundreds of migrants that sank cataclysmically off the coast of Greece, indicating that the greek coast guard knew about the vessel AND how much trouble the vessel was in, and were towing it at a speed that made it capsize, at which point they unhooked the tow line and watched the trawler sink without helping the passengers to safety. Despite a bunch of other ships trying to help as well throughout the whole ordeal.

So a lot of people are dead, all because of regulations (and the lack thereof) regarding sea-faring vessels and rescue protocols. People shouldnt be allowed to make a business charging a ton of money for a ride on an uncertified, unsafe, un-seaworthy ship going deep into the ocean with no distress beacon or tether to the mothership. People also shouldnt be allowed to enact laws that criminalize the ferrying of refugees, which then force the refugees to hitch rides on fishing trawlers, and which also prevent people from helping those fishing trawlers full of refugees due to fear of legal consequences.

Hopefully BOTH of these events spark changes on an international scale in terms of what is legally allowed to be sailed, who is legally allowed to be the passengers, and what the rescue protocols are in the event of disaster for any seafaring vessel, illegal or not. It shouldnt be just the global 1% who get 24/7 search parties and remote-operated submersibles helping rescue them.

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

Begging swifties to understand that Taylor didn’t write reputation and Lover with the knowledge of how the relationship was going to end and that trying to “excavate” those albums for evidence to prove a specific theory as to why it ended is not how they should be viewed. Taylor wrote those songs feeling a very specific way because that’s what she was experiencing and she is now reflecting on them with hindsight and relates to them differently than when she first created them. These conflicting emotions can exist; how she views it now doesn’t diminish how she felt about it when she first released it.

[glo-shroom]

yes & no by Natalie Wee | Trigun Ultimate Overhaul

[inkskinned]

i had been used for my body before, i didn't mind it. i had a good trick about it - i didn't have to be there, not in my skin. i could wear the mirror, wear the puppet. you would see your perfect girl, a little monster i had concocted. she would glisten, distilled out of my own blood and venom. it meant i would be using you instead - you think you are taking from me? darling, i think this is a fucking joke, a role i am playing. you can't hurt me, i'm not present for the event. this is just a body, like a book is only words.

and then you came into my life, easy and honest. reaching for my hand in the crowded holiday market. passing me a water before i realize i'm thirsty. checking on me once, twice - the first time i said i'm okay, you knew i was lying. i keep thinking about the shape of your blue eyes and the wild of your hair the last time i saw you. how you got out of my car and when you looked back, i was looking back too. your quiet breathing in a hotel room.

you kissed me like you meant it, is the thing.

i don't know how to be a person yet, not fully. i don't know how to let you kiss me and touch bone. i tell my friends i hate this so much i want to throw up. your name slips into my head - i am no longer really ever alone. a little frazzled heartrate keeps splattering against my collarbone. my therapist asked yesterday - why are you afraid? what is the cost of vulnerability?

a terrifying thought: when i'm with you, it feels like finally coming home.

[shibaraki]

please write your reader insert however you want to. unabashedly!! write fat reader. black reader. asexual. masculine. tall. trans. disabled. you’re allowed to see yourself reflected in these spaces!!! sometimes your fic won’t be for everyone—it will be for all the people who look, think, love and experience life the way you do and that’s ok! it’s wonderful, actually.

it is not your job to make sure the shoe comfortably fits every single person out there. your only job is to tag it, and if anyone tells you otherwise I’ll personally come out swinging lol

[tea-cat-arts]

Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will

[willowser]

shouto accidentally gets drunk while out with you and some other friends and he's sitting there in the heat of the bar, watching you smile bright and laugh wholeheartedly with your hair a little messy and your eyeliner smudged a bit—and he gets suddenly and completely overwhelmed with the desire to kiss you.

which is exactly what he does when you manage to get him home. it's kind of awkward because he doesn't kiss many people and he's also drunk and gangly and looming over you, but you let him crowd you against his front door until the both of you nearly run out of breath.

and you push him away gently with a quiet laugh, telling him, "okay, slow your roll, loverboy. how about we do this when you're sober, huh?" because you're not sure if he means it and you don't want to get your hopes up for something he won't even remember tomorrow.

but he absolutely does remember it, and now he can't look at you without feeling that unfamiliar white-hot strike of desire lighting up his body.

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

you are somebody that i want to keep ; satoru gojo

synopsis; you aren't sure what you have with satoru gojo, but you know that it’s good.

word count; 6.7k

contents; satoru gojo/reader, gn!reader, colleagues to friends to something unlabelled, you love each other though!!, fluff, hurt/comfort, very very soft, reader falls first but gojo falls harder, both of u are afraid of intimacy lol, a lil angsty if u squint, satoru gojo cherishing u for ~7k words straight <33

a/n; basically just a collection of moments between you and gojo throughout the years <33 (a significant amount of time has passed between each part!!) hes an emotionally repressed loser but i love him and he is smitten w u.

in the soft luminescence of daybreak, your kitchen looks something like a dream.

tainted with a hazy sunshine, simmering with warm colours and pleasant scents, it almost seems to sparkle in the peripheral of your vision. brimming with that feeling of home, a home you’ve broken your bones building, desperate to shape it into something safe — and you think you’ve done a pretty good job.

it’s soothing, comforting, all of these sensations. bleeding into each other like smudges of paint on a canvas; hyacinths blooming by the windowsill, espresso-flavored steam wafting up to the roof, soft meows stemming from the cats by your feet. absolute bliss.

indulging in a peace yet to be shattered by the strain of the working world, you rub the sleep from beneath your weary eyes. blinking and yawning like a drowsy child.

beyond the translucent glass of your windows, glimmering with the light of a sun soon to rise, the world is painted pink and indigo — save for that one hint of gold, a streak of honey slathered across the surface of the sky. fluffy clouds drift through the chilly air, melting in the wake of a new day, and you think they look a little like tufts of cotton candy. soft enough to sink your teeth into, if only the glass wasn’t in the way. keeping the cold out.

it’s a new day. a pleasant morning, sitting comfortably on the brink of dawn, before the city has a chance to rouse from its slumber.

a kind of solitude you so rarely get to bask in. 

a false solitude, really. because, for once, there’s another human being in your home — one you don’t know nearly as well as you’d like, for him to be fast asleep on your couch, cheek smushed against the leather. snoring softly. 

satoru gojo.

like this, he looks very… human. vulnerable. hair just slightly tousled, from tossing and turning on your not-so-comfortable couch, blindfold only covering one of his eyes and close to slipping off entirely. his expression has melted into one of something vaguely resembling relaxation, as close to unguarded as you assume he can physically get.

even in his sleep, he looks a little stiff. not entirely at peace; like a stray cat sleeping under the hood of a car. 

(you’re curious. fascinated, maybe, by the loneliness that clings to the strongest person in the universe. by the paradoxical innocence of his grin.)

honestly, everything from last night is kind of a blur. you remember accompanying the strongest sorcerer on a mission, one long enough to leave you completely and utterly spent, fatigue nestled deep into your bones. remember gojo getting a sudden migraine, so earth-shattering that you thought he was going to keel over and throw up in the middle of the street.

then you remember bringing him back home with you. very hesitantly, only after he begrudgingly accepted the fact that he didn’t have much of a choice. because you were fucking exhausted, and so was he, and your apartment happened to be conveniently close. you remember him practically passing out on your couch, still somehow managing to crack a bad joke you can’t recall, while you went to collapse into the comfort of your bed.

and now you’re here. dyed in half-transparent sunbeams, caffeine bubbling in your veins, gazing at your sleeping coworker from your spot by the kitchen table. waiting for the world to open its weary eyes.

it’s still early. some part of you expects him to sleep a while longer, but you can’t say you’re particularly surprised when gojo begins to stir.

a splotch of sunshine splatters across your living room window, staining the floorboards, falling over the contours of his pretty face. in the light, he looks positively holy; white lashes, pale skin, plump lips. like a goddess.

when he opens his eyes, it’s even worse. a single iris cracked open, pooling with unbridled brilliance. eyes so blue they seem to cut through the stillness of the air.

(— and the world wakes up.)

a little groan slips from his lips, barely audible. with groggy movements, he brings a hand up to his face, obscuring the grating light of the sun flitting in. you think you can almost see the gears of his mind turn, as he takes notice of his surroundings, remembering what transpired just hours before.

faster than you thought, he regains some semblance of composure. huffing under his breath, as he forces himself into a sitting position. 

it feels a little wrong, to see the closest thing this world has to a god act so human. be so human. morning-fatigued, just like you, wearing droopy eyelids and a soft, sleepy pout. a little disheveled. groggy with lost dreams.

when his gaze meets yours, you can’t control the breath that hitches pitifully in the back of your throat. a meek skip of your heartbeat, like you just saw something you shouldn’t have. oops.

gojo cracks a grin.

“.. watchin’ me sleep?” he calls out, cheeky. paired with a drowsy yawn. composed, unbothered, but there’s something almost performative about it, something you’re sure you’d miss if he wasn’t still in the process of collecting himself. 

“good morning,” is all you offer him. ignoring his teasing remark. he doesn’t push it, to your surprise. “sleep well?”

a hum. absentminded, jovial. one of his large hands goes to adjust his blindfold, the other to fluff up his hair. kicking off the blanket you just barely had the energy to throw over him last night. your fluffiest one, warm enough to protect him from the chill gnawing at the windows. hopefully.

“like a log,” he quips, stretching idly, muscles straining under his baggy uniform. they must be sore, after that mission. or maybe he’s above such things.

choosing not to comment on his obvious lie, you put your lips against the ceramic of your cup. sipping from the bitter brew, a tinge of hazelnut on your tongue. letting him gather his bearings without you scrutinizing him. a little favor, one liar to another.

“thanks for letting me crash,” he grins, lazy. toothy. stumbling to his feet with a low groan, gaze flitting around the room — looking for the exit. “i’ll get outta your hair,” he mutters, and you raise a brow.

“not staying for breakfast?”

gojo stills. your question rings out, bouncing off the walls of the kitchen, into the living room.

his smile twitches, ever so slightly, in what you think must be surprise. then it’s back to normal; like putting on a mask, not allowing a sliver of weakness to slip through the cracks. he exhales a raspy chuckle, a sound that flows through the air and crawls down your spine.

”generous, aren’t you?” he hums, voice rich with amusement. dappling sunlight licks at the white locks of his hair.

you shrug. “i wouldn’t mind the company.”

the words climb up the walls of your throat, a little reckless, eager to catch a glimpse of the miracle before you. satoru gojo, framed by the simplicity of your home — somewhat hard to let go of. sunkissed skin, restless hands. a little out of tune. shifting from foot to foot, eager to get away.

(a little like a frightened fawn, you amuse yourself by thinking. he’s really more like the fox who scared it.)

you think he must be bit uncomfortable. forced to spend the night in a coworker’s apartment, one he doesn't even know that well, one he probably doesn’t have any intention of getting to know. still trying to politely excuse himself. persistent, stubborn.

maybe he didn’t expect this. maybe he was convinced he could sneak away, before you had a chance to wake up. maybe he thought you’d be all too eager to let him leave, and never speak of this again. maybe he’s not used to being wanted. 

“ha… i’m flattered, believe me, but —“

“what do you usually eat?” you ask. cutting him off, gently, tapping your fingertips against the edge of the table. “for breakfast, i mean. i’ll whip something up.”

a chuckle slips from his lips. you can’t put your finger on it, but something about it bothers you. “really, there’s —“

“if you’re worried about inconveniencing me, don’t be.” you pause, unsure of what to say. but the words end up spilling out of your throat, oddly honest. ”it’s been a while since i had the chance to make breakfast for someone else.” 

it’s strange, really, how intent you are on seeing this through. how much effort you’re putting into making him stay. you barely even know him. actually, you don’t know him at all — all you know is that his smile makes you happy and his strength makes you envious. that you aren’t afraid of him, even though you probably should be.

something about him just feels safe.

“i’m pretty good at making pancakes,” you hum, a small smile playing at your lips. polite, jovial. pale light flits in through the window and slips into its curve. ”do you want some? before we go to work.”

(something in his fingers twitch, when you say that tiny word; pancakes. a little tell. you just barely catch it, before it sputters out. before he reels it back in.)

a moment passes. slow, drawn out, a rubber band bound to snap.

gojo stands there, a very subtle contemplation etched into his features. behind him, your cats begin to scratch at the couch, but you don’t scold them. just waiting for something to happen. beyond the glass of your windows, the sun unfurls in the sky, stretching its arms to envelop the world.

he grins, suddenly. soft light reflecting off the white of his teeth. cocky, composed. not quite performative, a little more natural.

“well, if you insist.”

he strolls over to your side, just a tiny bit sluggish, lazy steps and comically long limbs. he must still be tired. but he takes a seat, right across from you, plopping down on the chair with an effortless air of confidence. lighthearted, leaning his elbows on the table, crossing his legs under it. comfortable. settling into his role.

you’re pleasantly surprised.

“how would you like them?” you ask, and you think some of your excitement may have spilled out with the question. if it did, gojo doesn’t comment on it. ”your pancakes.”

“with chocolate chips, please!” he shoots you a sweet smile. “and whipped cream on top.” 

so demanding. for some reason, it makes the corners of your lips quirk up. kinda like a bratty younger brother.

“got it.”

the smell of dark chocolate hangs heavy in the air as you get to work, shuffling around the open space. all while gojo waits, patiently, tapping his foot under the table and staring out the window. leaning his jaw on the heel of his palm. listening to the humming of nightingales on the branches of the apple tree down on the ground, and the buzz of your old radio.

the kitchen fills with motion, sounds, smells. life. splotches of sunlight, crinkled cartons of orange juice. the clinking of plates. two tired adults, seated at the same table, indulging in a fleeting peace and the promise of something new. something almost concrete.

a small, precious moment. enough to make your fascination shift into something you know must be fondness. or close to it. 

gojo grins at you, mouth full of pancakes, eagerly telling you about something the kids did last week. wolfing them down, chocolate smeared over his bottom lip. you laugh, and suddenly the world feels a little safer than it should. a little more intact.

you wonder what it means. where it’s going to lead. this feeling of something wonderful beginning, something you couldn’t stop if you wanted to.

a budding connection.

the city lays blanketed beneath a layer of thick snow. blurry pale dots dancing in the wind, obscuring the sky, frost engulfing every building in a bone chilling hug.

with a slight shiver, you dig your hands into the comfort of your pockets, seeking the fleeting warmth you find. admiring the frozen landscape before you, the hustle and bustle of people going about their day. the saffron light of the lamp posts, the glittering snow by your feet, the skeletal apricot trees and their bare branches. this monochrome city you find yourself in.

gojo exhales. strolling cheerily down the street, in tandem with you, a frosty breath to your left that scatters and melts into the open air. it smells minty.

today, he’s wearing black shades — like he usually is when you meet outside of work. it’s kind of nice. when you angle your face a certain way, you can almost see the blue pooling in his eyes, the white of his eyelashes. 

he’s beautiful. he always has been. but like this, you think his beauty is simply unfair, highlighted by the winter wonderland you find yourselves in. mesmerizing, the red flush of his cheeks, how he hums along to some jolly tune playing from a little corner store further down the street. all bundled up, in a stylish overcoat and a nice scarf, untouched by the snowflakes fluttering about. 

protected by his infinity, always. the silly god you call a friend.

he looks content, despite the cold that keeps nipping at your bare skin, smiling widely. blabbing on about the movie you’re about to watch, how he saw it back in high school but never thought it’d get a remake. how his friend thought it sucked but that friend always had bad taste so his opinion is irrelevant. how he has faith that you’ll like it.

(cute.)

distracted by the pretty man so close by, close enough to touch, you don’t look ahead. maybe just a little bit entranced. which would be fine, if you didn’t happen to be walking on the right side of the street — 

crashing straight into a lamp post.

”owch!”

it’s sudden. and it’s a harsh collision, enough to leave your nose stinging, an ache that makes you whine. cursing under your breath as you take a couple steps back, hands reaching for the part of your face that took the brunt of the hit. 

and gosh, is this embarrassing. you dance on the edge of death for a living, and here you are — whining over walking into a fucking lamp post. because you were too enamored by the beauty of your own coworker to pay attention to your surroundings. 

a coworker who is currently looking at you, silently. having failed to warn you in time, stuck in his own memories, caught up in his in-depth, spoiler-filled review of a movie he’s been waiting to watch all week. 

for a moment, all he does is blink. long eyelashes fluttering, like a dove flapping its wings. 

then he starts laughing.

scratch that — gojo is downright cackling, thoroughly amused by your clumsy mishap, like he just saw the funniest thing in the world. laughter ringing out into the cold air, white breaths to compliment the red of your burning ears.

asshole.

with a harsh furrow of your brows, you attempt to look angry; but before long, your lips are curling up. infected by his joy. a soft punch to his shoulder is all you manage, biting back a little puff of laughter. you’re embarrassed.

(so embarrassed you don’t even notice how he puts his infinity down.)

”don’t laugh, you piece of shit!” you hiss, grinning even still, flushing and trying to ignore the curious glances you get from passersby. ”it really hurt!”

but gojo doesn’t stop. doesn’t even attempt to. you think he just grew even more amused, if anything, practically bending over from how hard he’s laughing — clutching his stomach.

”sorry, sorry — ’m just…” he tries to speak, taking deep breaths in between bursts of giggles. ”how the hell — how’d you —” 

he stops trying. laughing, again.

and it’s a genuine laugh. a little wolfish, spilling out from his pretty parted lips, showing off his sharp teeth. from the very bottom of his gut, clear and bright, deep and infectious. melodic. shades close to slipping off the bridge of his nose, eyes tearing up behind them. trying to collect himself, muffled giggles turning to soft vapour in the cold air. dimples visible on his rosy cheeks.

and suddenly you can't think, can't speak, can only look at him and wonder how a human can be so very beautiful. how it’s metaphysically possible. like a crushed cluster of stars was given human form, a body of celestial light.

he looks so young, like this. a millenia younger, no weight on those broad shoulders, no immovable wall to separate you both. he looks like one of the guys you used to hang out with in middle school, running through corridors and play fighting and holding back shared laughter in the library. before the bite of the world left a mark in your skin.

he looks like himself. like someone pulled the mask off, and all that’s left is the human. none of the godhood he was saddled with at birth.

while you’re busy staring, gojo finally finds his composure again. wiping at his glassy eyes, a chuckle slipping out here and there. distracted by the breathtaking sight, you begin to forget the sting of your collision — until you feel something warm trickle down your chilled skin. 

searching for it with the pads of your fingers, you feel a trail of wetness beneath your nose. and when you bring them down, to get a look, all you see is red. 

”ah.”

gojo moves closer. maybe just a little alarmed, by the blood dripping from your nose, staining the white of the snow beneath your feet. a chilling contrast, one you’re frighteningly used to. it’s almost comforting. blood on your skin, that sting of pain clogging up your nose, enough for you to get lost in. colours melting together, memories rising to the surface —

when suddenly, something touches your cheek. 

one large hand goes to keep your jaw in place, gentle. smooth leather, sneaking under your chin, lifting your face up ever so slightly. warmth trickles from his fingertips through the fabric, and you can smell a hint of his perfume. strawberries and vanilla.

gojo looks at you fondly. wiping the blood from your nose, smudging his expensive gloves. from this angle, you can see his eyes, a blue shimmer in an evening painted white and gray — the sole flicker of colour in this monochrome city. they’re crinkled at the edges.

he looks awfully amused.

(you stay still, not breathing, like any slight motion could have him pulling away.)

”careful,” he croons. so low you barely hear it, almost a purr. the word has a soft underbelly, something you don’t need to dissect to feel.

a sentiment that seems to simmer in the air around you, drifting past the little corner store, a dog tied to a lamp post, your reddened cheeks. past the blue of his eyes, a peripheral that stretches to cover the city before you. words too heavy to speak aloud.

stay safe for me, silly.

then he’s letting go. sudden, the bite of the air replacing his hand. it lingers on your skin, like a memory, like the ghost of a memory. but it’s there. strawberries and vanilla, leather and warmth. something kind. warm.

and it stays there, even as gojo takes a step forward, no longer facing you. walking confidently, the wind bending around his tall stature. long legs and large steps, leaving an imprint in the snow for you to follow. a northern star.

he turns his head, and grins. hair tousled by the breeze, white locks glittering with snowflakes. ”you coming? it’s starting soon.”

a moment passes. 

”or do you need me to call shoko?” 

you puff out a breathy laugh, at that, stumbling forward. reaching up to wipe more of the blood sticking to your skin. sniffling, but smiling, teeth peeking out between your lips.

”yeah, yeah,” a roll of your eyes. ”’m right behind you.”

gojo’s eyes crinkle, disappearing behind his shades when he straightens his back and raises his head. moving forward, while you follow; his back turned to you, snowy hair melting into the white all around you. like something out of a painting. 

with a pep in step, you catch up to him. eager to hear more of his voice, his memories. still basking in the warmth of his hand on your jaw.

a touch from the untouchable.

gojo’s lying on your couch.

he usually is, to be fair, so it shouldn’t be surprising. kicking his legs up, watching tv — or sleeping, snoring loudly, like the couch belongs to him. like your home belongs to him. like he pays rent, and doesn’t just laze around and devour all the sweets in your kitchen cabinets.

(he’s there so often that you’re starting to wonder if you should give him a copy of your keys, or something. but you have a feeling that’d be just a smidge too intimate for him to ever accept.)

this time, however, gojo is doing neither of those things. 

he’s on your couch, but he isn’t manspreading, or draping himself over the leather with a lazy grin. he doesn’t have that air of effortless confidence. and it’s palpable, in the air, the open space, enough that you can feel it. an itch on your skin, a lump in your throat. you could practically feel it as soon as you walked through the door.

he isn’t wearing his blindfold, or his shades. he isn’t even smiling. and gojo is always, always smiling.

you think he might be having a rough day.

even the cats are noticing that something’s off. jumping up in his lap, trying to comfort him, brushing against his legs. purring, when he cradles them close — always so gentle with them. hands petting down their backs, softly, the same hands he uses to rip out the throats of curses and curse users alike.

then they mewl and run away. and for once you wish they wouldn’t, wish they could keep clinging to him like they always do. just to make him feel better. right now, in the state he’s in, you wouldn’t even mind gojo’s usual smug declarations of how does it feel to know they like their papa best? 

you can’t help but feel unsure of yourself. gojo isn’t doing anything, and he isn’t saying anything. he’s just lying there, on his back, eyes closed. letting the darkness of the room engulf him. drowning in his own thoughts.

he must know that you’re there. he must have heard you come in. but he isn’t saying anything, and you wonder if that means he wants you to leave him alone.

you’re reminded of that one morning. when he woke up on your couch, and looked more human than you’d ever seen him. how you wanted to avert your eyes, how wrong it felt to see a god rouse from its slumber. 

(but you know better now.)

hesitantly, you begin to inch closer, step by step. quiet, floorboards barely creaking beneath your weight. tentative, as you settle down on the couch. brushing against the infinity between you.

gojo’s eyes flicker open. like an old tape beginning to play. they still shine with that same brilliance, they always do, but now you think they look just a little dull. a little red.

a moment passes. agonizingly slow.

before you can properly think it through, you’ve done it. almost on instinct, jumping the gun before he has the chance to cover everything up with jokes and laughter. opening your arms; a silent invitation.

gojo only stares. 

his gaze moves down to your outstretched arms, and then up to your face. your pursed lips, nervous eyes, worried crease between your brows. one second passes. two, five. you stop counting.

for a moment, you’re almost certain that he’s about to get up and leave. that he’ll flash you a smile that doesn't reach his eyes, walk out the door and then never return. like you flew too close to the sun, just another icarus too mesmerized by the glow of his grin to notice your melting wings. like you stepped over the fragile line that separates his bones from yours, his heartbeat from your greedy hands.

— but then he sluggishly gets into a sitting position, and doesn't look at you.

when gojo collapses into your embrace, you’re so surprised that you almost forget how to breathe. almost forget your own name, forget whose home you’re in, why your arms are wrapped around a pale man. all you can think of is how warm he feels, how he’s like a weighted blanket against you. how he trusts you enough to come so very close. 

cheek pressed against your chest, arms loose around your waist. no infinity, no barriers. just a single touch shared between two damaged human beings. 

a brief inhale gives you the composure that you need. air flowing into your lungs, your brain, as you settle into a comfortable position. no words leave your lips; you just continue to hold him, one hand on his back, testing the waters. letting him hear the echo of your heartbeat. unsure, the both of you, but something about this feels right. close to right. almost there.

gojo is stiff. when you strain your ears, you hear a sharp intake of breath, and a full body shiver courses through him. a tremble of his spine. like he’s itching to run, like he doesn’t quite know where to put his hands. so painfully unused to a proper embrace. 

(a little like a frightened fawn.)

a tender something unfurls within your chest, and you feel almost devoured by the fondness rooting itself into your beating heart. delicate, as you begin to brush away his tousled bangs, leaning close. pressing a kiss to his forehead, glistening with sweat. letting your lips linger on his skin. 

he’s pale, shining in the bleak moonlight cast from the translucent curtains of your living room windows. pale like a ghost. and there are dark crescents beneath his dull eyes.

nightmares, you surmise. they haunt him too, don’t they? of course they do. 

eyes brimming with emotion, you gaze at him; quiet as a mouse, closing his eyes. leaning into your touch, ever so slightly, breathing out a sigh tinged with pure exhaustion. and a certain realization washes over you, akin to a tidal wave, sudden and inevitable. so obvious it’s funny.

you’re not a god at all, are you? 

a coo slips from your lips. barely a sound, more like a soothing breath. warm against his cold skin.

you’re just like everyone else. just as fragile.

one of your thumbs goes to smooth over the puffy skin beneath his eyes. so, so gentle. like one wrong touch could have him crumbling into little grains of stardust, spilling out over the worn leather of your couch.

there are so many things you wish you could say to him. so many things you’ll never be able to say, because you’re afraid that if you give him too much it’ll scare him off. like love could burn him if it were to leak out too fervently. like it’s burned him before. 

so you don’t say anything. but you think it, you repeat it inside your mind like a prayer, and some part of you thinks that’s enough. i’ve got you — a whisper that you don't dare to voice. 

one gojo still manages to hear, somehow, if the way he tugs you closer and snuggles into your neck is anything to go by. a shaky exhale brushing against your collarbone.

(if you feel something wet touch the skin of your shoulder, you don’t mention it.)

you simply hold him, and don’t even think the thought of letting go. even though it takes him hours just to fall asleep, hours you spend anxiously wondering if he’ll change his mind and pull away. but he doesn't leave, even though his body may want him to, and that's enough, and you don’t let go. not even once. he stays cradled to your chest the same way you’d hold a tiny puppy, something fragile. something you need to handle with care.

and when his heartbeat finally mellows out, when you hear little barely audible snores flow from his lips, you finally begin to relax. melting into the couch beneath you, watching him get the rest he deserves. praying that any nightmares of his will be given to you instead.

sleep comes, eventually, to the both of you. tangled up on the couch, him on top of you, comforted by the flutter of each other’s heartbeat. by the warmth of another human being. safe in each other’s arms.

(the next morning, through hazy sunshine and the clinking of coffee cups, he teasingly tells you that just satoru is fine.)

it’s barely daybreak when satoru wakes you up.

a rude awakening, to say the least. he pulls out all the stops, intent on not letting you sleep even a second longer; poking at your cheek, pinching them when that doesn’t work. tickling you, blowing cold air into your ear, flopping down on top of you like a big dog. anything to rouse you from your deep slumber.

and he just will not give it up. no matter how hard you try to ignore him, no matter how many times you swat him away with your duvet pillow or turn to bury your face into the sheets. that’s how satoru always is, how he’s always been, how he hopefully always will be — an absolute pain. one you wouldn’t trade for anything else in the world.

so, when he starts whining for you to just wake up already, voice tinged with a sadness that tugs at your heartstrings, you find yourself opening your tired eyes. all while he murmurs on and on about something unintelligible, still trying to bribe you.

”i’ll make you coffee, okay? just get up. c’moooon.”

”… what time is it, satoru?” is all you mutter, voice leaving your lips in a raspy, disgruntled fashion. stirring a little at the promise of coffee. 

he cracks a grin. ”don’t worry about it! just come with me.”

despite your grumpy attitude, and the ungodly hour at which satoru shakes you awake, you find yourself letting him scoop you up and set you down on the kitchen counter. placing a hot cup of coffee in your hands, made just the way you like it, before grinning mischievously in a way that has you feeling ill at ease.

and ten minutes later, you find yourself on top of a hill. overlooking the woods, and a big lake below you, no city lights visible no matter where you turn — god knows where he’s taken you, but it’s pretty.

breathtaking, even. all frost and wildlife and peace, sweet solitude, tiny flowers blooming on the patches of grass around you. a murder of crows takes flight in the distance, scattering into the indigo of the sky.

gojo grins, boyish and bright, excited breaths turning into vapour as he speaks. awfully proud of himself. 

”i can’t take you on vacation, but —”

he drags you with him, arm looped around your own, plopping down on the ground. not before taking off his jacket, to cover the ground beneath you. grass tickles the skin of your palms, as you comfortably spread your legs, making sure to sit as close to him as possible.

and your heart softens a little.

because he’s mentioned it, before; how it’d be nice to go on a road trip, someday, just the two of you. all around the world, wherever the wind takes you. basking in that feeling of freedom. it’s no more than a fever dream, though, with how busy satoru is, the responsibilities you both shoulder.

so this’ll have to do. that’s probably what he’s thinking.

”the sun’ll rise soon. it’ll be pretty, i promise,” he beams, so close that you feel his warm breath on your skin. that you can see the dimples on his cheeks, his barely visible freckles.

”oh, so that’s why you woke me up so early.” 

his smile widens. ”nice, right? i wanted to surprise you. d’you like it?”

a smile blooms on your lips, in tandem with his, honeyed and content. indulgent. gojo looks at it, and immediately knows your answer.

”yeah. it’s really pretty out here,” you face forward, taking a deep breath, fresh morning air entering your lungs. cool and crisp, stirring your sleepy mind. ”kinda nostalgic.”

satoru hums, and follows your lead. looking ahead, admiring the beauty of an empty world.

the big lake looks like a mirror, from here, glittering in the peripheral of your vision. the sun licks at the frozen sky, not quite breaking through, not entirely ready to rise — but it paints everything a rusty gold and you can almost feel spring shining through, taste it on your tongue, that promise of something better, something more concrete. a warmth you don’t have to question. 

a warmth that’ll stay with you for a long time to come.

it takes about ten seconds for the man by your side to start speaking, again, shattering the peaceful silence. but you don’t mind. his voice is nice, a mellow melody to your morning-fatigued brain.

side by side, you wait for the sun to rise. sharing hushed whispers and laughter, like two kids having a sleepover. like nothing exists but the space that cocoons you, wraps you up in a nostalgia so palpable the entire world feels like a fond memory.

(it makes you feel a millenia younger.)

satoru giggles like a child, telling you about something shoko said, or something megumi did, and you don’t miss a single word that spills from his glossy lips. hanging on to every word he’s willing to give to you. 

he looks so unbothered, like this. eyes crinkling, humming some tune you don’t recognize, like a little nightingale ready to take flight into the skies.

you part your lips, admiring his features. every patch of skin you can see. words making themselves manifest, hungry to see inside his brain, to know more about him. a fascination that’s never quite left you — though now you think it may be better described as love. ”hey, satoru?”

at the sound of his name, he turns to you. the weight of his eyes feels so light, like this. those blessed eyes staring into yours. he tilts his head, a smile playing at his lips. ”mm?”

”if you could go anywhere you wanted, where would you be right now?”

satoru blinks.

he looks at you, a mild surprise flitting through the lines of his face, as he takes you in. measures the weight of your words.

then he smiles, again. lopsided, almost a smirk, rich with amusement. a hum buzzes in his throat, like a butterfly itching to break out.

”.. you teasing me?” 

a huff fills the air. ”it’s a genuine question!” you insist, moving your leg to nudge his own. ”c’mon. anywhere in the world. i’m just curious.”

another hum. he narrows his eyes, playfully, biting at the inside of his cheek to hold back a chuckle when that makes you grumble. pouting softly, tilting your head. he’s amused, you can tell. 

but he closes his eyes, lashes fluttering, glimmering with morning dew. and you can tell he’s taking you seriously. tasting the question on his tongue.

something shines in his eyes, when he opens them again; crinkling at the corners, soft lines of crows’ feet. you can almost see that burst of aquamarine, breaking through the black glass of his shades. like the laws of physics can’t contain it. and he smiles, as always, a smile so beautiful you wish you could live on the curve of his lips. flimsy, no teeth peeking out, no dimples to admire. but sweet. slathered with honey, as sincere as can be.

his voice comes out a little raspy, tainted with a tinge of fatigue, a smokey residue that sticks to the walls of his throat. but it's genuine, like he just woke up, like he's too sleepy to be dishonest. like every word he says can be no more or less than the absolute truth.

and when he turns to face you, tilting his head enough for you to see that shade of blue you love so dearly, his eyes shine with an honestly so palpable you feel like you’re being devoured.

satoru parts his lips.

”right next to you.”

a moment passes. silent, endless, no sound to be heard but the beating of your own heart.

at last, the sun breaks through that layer of frost, peeking up from the boundary of the world — and the morning begins to thaw. streaks of sunlight cascade down the contours of his handsome face, painting him a mellow gold, and it’s almost enough to distract you from the warmth of his hand finding yours. 

for a moment, satoru looks unsure. smile shifting in the light, into something slightly stiff, and you know that means he's nervous. silent, as he wets his glossy lips. pink tongue tasting strawberry chapstick. 

then he’s leaning forward. 

it’s chaste, the kiss he plants on your forehead, soft as the flutter of a butterfly’s wings. but it lingers, even after he’s pulled back — a warmth on your skin. a silent declaration.

he doesn't have to say anything. when you look up at him you can see the red flush of his ears, and when you strain your ears you can hear all those unspoken whispers. the sentiment neither of you will ever have to say out loud, because you know. it’s there. and it means everything. 

and you know that for as long as you live, you’ll both have this. one single thread of normalcy, in your unorthodox existences, one single glimmer of something almost entirely good. something that heals, something that isn’t a blessing and a curse all in one. something soft to the touch.

there’s no need to find the right words for it. there never was.

”kinda looks like melted ice cream.”

the words pull you out of your stupor. satoru’s looking at the sky, and you follow his gaze, watching the sunrise in tandem with him. 

it’s beautiful. soft clouds melting into pinks and oranges, dappling sunbeams lapping at the trees, a saffron shade washing over the empty world in front of you. a world that may not be so empty, after all, because you hear crows in the distance, and someone’s fishing by the lake, and you think you spot a squirrel in the tree closest to you. 

and you have someone, right next to you, right by your side. someone who won’t ever leave.

sometimes, loving satoru gojo feels a little like strolling on the edge of a cliff. like one wrong step could have you tumbling down, a mess of broken bones and unspoken words. but if you do stumble and fall — you know he’ll be waiting at the bottom of the precipice. arms outstretched, wearing that same innocent grin, ready to hoist you both back up.

so you know it’ll be fine.

swallowing down a bout of fresh laughter, like a flower unfurling in your chest, petals brushing against your ribcage, you give in. opting to bask in the moment, in his presence.

”yeah,” you puff out a chuckle, head slumping against satoru’s shoulder. he makes a little noise of approval, and your grin grows. ”it does.”

he doesn’t say anything. smiling, wordlessly, admiring the way the sun kisses up your collarbone. lighting up your face. and you bask in his warmth, how right it feels to be tucked into his side. how safe he feels, even now. how safe you make him feel.

you look at the man to your left, and he looks back at you, and that wonderful unnamed something unfurls inside your chest again. and, without having to speak it aloud, you know it will continue to do so.

many, many years later, he’ll still be satoru, and you’ll still be you. the distance between you will be what it always was; breachable.

and that will be enough.

[obsidianbit]

I love this gay ass show with its literally life ending injuries that heal immediately, but only when convenient to the plot, and its ridiculous use of modern phrases, and its laughing in the face of historical accuracy, and its kissing the face of the fans instead of trying to outwit them, and the way everyone involved in the show seem to go 'I KNOW RIGHT! I'M EXCITED TOO!' instead of mocking the fans

[nellasbookplanet]

I've been thinking about Mollymauk, as I'm periodically wont to do, and the fandom discussion about him as a moral compass. Because the interesting thing here is, Molly wasn’t a very moral character. He was an unrepentant scammer. He had no respect for interpersonal boundaries and would deliberately push and break them. Generally, he was an asshole. As far as actually having a strong moral stance I would say Fjord was the standout of early m9, and to some extent Beau.

But here’s the thing: almost all of early m9 thought of themselves as horrible people. Fjord had been bullied so bad growing up that he still dealt with self-hate from it, and now suffered from survivor's guilt to boot. Caleb had killed his own parents. Beau, while she hated her dad, also had internalized self-hate and on some level thought she’d been such a shitty daughter she deserved his treatment. Nott was stuck in a body she considered monstrous. Yasha had survivor's guilt and knew she’d done bad things in her blank spots. Even when they did good, they didn’t think of themselves as good. Most of them were suspicious and asocial and faced the world with the same kind of distrust they expected to be (and were experienced in being) met with. (Jester was an exception, an agent of neither good nor bad but of amoral chaos)

But Molly was different. He was outspoken about loving life and people. He wanted to spread joy, even to people he didnt know or had even met: he slipped coin into people's pockets, hid a silver in a tree just so some stranger would one day be happy to find it. He openly cared for the party early on; was one of the first to step in and help Caleb when he went catatonic in battle. Above all, Molly had rules: where everyone else would agonize over what was the right or wrong or smart thing to do, Molly loudly proclaimed we don't leave people behind, and we leave every place better than we found it.

But the thing about Molly’s rules was, they were largely a cover. While the rest of the m9 thought they were bad even as they did good, Molly thought of himself as good even as he did bad. He scammed people, but made it a good and memorable experience, therefore thinking he gave more than he took. He charmed Nott and Fjord without consent, and when confronted would claim it was to help them. Out of the group, Beau saw through this, not because she was a better person but because she was a cynic. She saw that he caused harm, just as she did, and was personally affronted that he still thought of himself as good and tried to leave people happy, whereas she deliberately left every place worse than she found it.

I see Molly as a moral compass of the group not because he was actually any more moral than them, but because they made him their template. He was joy and brightness and he died trying to save them because it was the right thing to do, and they all chose to honor him by emulating his rules more than Molly himself ever did, because to them it was more than just a cover, backed up by genuine moral thought and discussion rather than small gestures. He taught them that it was possible to be kind of a shit person and still be good, to still love yourself and others. The idealized Molly they created never existed, and finally died for good when they resurrected him in the end and were met with a stranger, who they welcomed with the same love and care they would've expected Molly to show them.

[steddiealltheway]

If someone told Steve four years ago that he would be at a gay bar with Robin Buckley and Eddie Munson, he would have laughed in their face.

Actually, if Steve really thinks about it, he would’ve been nervous that the person found out he was secretly hooking up with Eddie Munson.

But that was forever ago, and although he and Eddie had a nasty falling out, things changed. More like, they both changed. And after practically co-parenting a teenager along with a reunion in a creepy alternate dimension that nearly killed Eddie, it seemed like their fate was sealed and they would always be bonded together.

Steve really didn’t mind honestly. Actually, he has enjoyed getting to know Eddie all over again while not simultaneously trying to get in his pants. Sure, Eddie would flirt with him every now and then (at least a couple times a day), and Steve would maybe flirt back sometimes (most of the time unless the kids were in earshot). But things were different now. Even though Eddie admitted that Steve had changed, it didn’t mean he would ever forgive him for cruelly breaking things off when Steve found himself experiencing actual feelings for Eddie all those years ago.

So, Steve forces him to accept that times have changed and he likely missed his chance. Currently, he settles on leaning back against the bar, nursing a fruity drink that Eddie jokingly bought him before he made his way to the dance floor and eyed everyone around him.

Steve finds his hand tightening around the glass in his hand as he’s rudely reminded of how he’s an unfortunately jealous person. But Eddie isn’t his boyfriend. Eddie really isn’t his anything except a friend. So he's not allowed to feel like his skin is crawling when he finds a few people staring at Eddie with interest.

Steve distracts himself as he glances over to where Robin is in a secluded corner, giving a shorter girl heart eyes as they both get lost in some conversation. Steve smiles and glances away, giving Robin some privacy while simultaneously keeping tabs on her.

When he looks away, his eyes betray him by settling on Eddie who now has his arms wrapped around some man with blonde hair, probably a little older than Eddie but much shorter. All Steve can think about is how Eddie is out of his league and deserves better, and he wishes he could tell him that.

But then, something weird happens. Eddie glances over his shoulder at Steve, eyebrows raised as if he's looking for Steve for approval. So, Steve goes with his gut and shakes his head, and sees Eddie turn back and slowly untwine himself from the man as if taking Steve's advice to heart.

And shit, Steve doesn't know what to do with that so he orders another drink - this time a beer that he's had before so he knows his limit - and sits on a barstool, getting comfortable as he watches over Eddie.

He sees a taller guy with various piercings make his way over to Eddie, smoothly coming up behind him and gently placing his hands on his waist, dancing along with him. Steve takes a deep swig of the beer, trying not to think too hard of the last few weeks of his and Eddie's short-lived almost relationship when Eddie started getting more comfortable with him and would dance wildly around his room to whatever metal album he had on repeat that week. And Steve would just sit back on Eddie's bed and watch him, laughing when Eddie would pause to take a breather, and laughing even harder when Eddie insisted he danced with him.

But now, he isn't dancing in that wild way that used to be familiar to Steve. No, Eddie's leaning into the man's touch, emphasizing the beat with the smooth yet sharp movement of his hips. A muscle in Steve's jaw jumps as he wonders when Eddie learned to dance like that. And who got to witness it and be subject to it after Steve.

He nearly stands up to use the restroom or go outside to get a breather when Eddie looks right up at him, eyes slightly hooded as he takes a deep breath in and raises his eyebrows while still dancing with the man.

And Steve finds himself shaking his head. He can do better. He deserves so much better than the man clearly trying to get in his pants, not even bothering to make conversation other than whatever he filthily whispers in Eddie's ear every so often.

But Eddie does the same as before, and slowly pulls away from the guy, only to gravitate toward someone else.

It's a cycle that's intoxicating to Steve. If he leaves, he risks Eddie ending up with anyone who isn't him, but as he watches, he learns a whole other side of Eddie that he wants to explore on his own. But with it all comes the painful jealousy that Steve is sure is reading across his face and steering quite a few people away from him.

He takes a deep breath and glances back toward Robin's corner, finding that she's moved on from talking with the girl to getting to know her a little more... intimately.

Steve glances away, no longer feeling the same happiness as he did for her before. God, his jealousy is consuming his entire being as it practically courses through his veins. He wants to be like Robin tonight, but he wants the other person to be Eddie.

He feels his heart skip a beat at the realization. Of course, he knew he was jealous of Eddie showing interest in other people, but Steve hadn't realized how much he was still interested in Eddie. And not just the old Eddie but the one he's come to know and has developed feelings for all over again.

Shit.

"Hey."

Steve startles a bit as Eddie practically appears in front of him breathing deeply as if he hasn't quite caught his breath yet. He has a thin veil of sweat covering his face and neck that he wipes at with a napkin he grabs from the bar. "You enjoying the view?"

Steve shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s a bit frustrating when I know you can do better.”

Eddie leans against the bar and props up a foot on the bottom ledge of his barstool. “It’s hard when the person judging seems to think that I can do better than everyone in this bar.”

“You're right,” Steve says before finishing off his beer and setting it down on the counter. “But maybe there’s someone here that’s just right for you. That wouldn’t just treat you to one night and leave.”

Eddie narrows his eyes and leans in closer. “And tell me, who do you have in mind to fill that role?”

Steve breathes out, “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

Eddie’s mouth twists into a frown before he grabs Steve’s hand and practically yanks him off the stool, dragging him in the direction of the bathroom nearby.

“Wait,” Steve says before they make it to the door. “Let me just…” He turns and glances toward where Robin is, thanking their platonic soulmate connection for causing her to break the kiss she’s in the middle of and glance at Steve. Her brows furrow as she takes in the situation, but Steve shoots her a cautionary thumbs up which she enthusiastically returns before giving a cautionary okay? hand sign which Steve responds to quickly nodding before he turns back to Eddie. “Okay, we’re good now.”

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re long lost twins or something,” Eddie mutters as he pulls Steve to the bathroom and looks around before locking the door behind them. “Now what the hell was that back there?”

“I was checking in on Robin.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Eddie says, crossing his arms as he stalks into Steve’s space. “The staring and acting as if you’re about to murder anyone who comes into contact with me.”

Steve puts his hands on his hips. “Yeah, maybe I’m a little protective after you nearly fucking died.”

“No, that’s not what this is about,” Eddie huffs out. He runs a hand over his face and states, “We’ve never talked about it - what we’ve been through before all of the stuff with the Upside Down and all that other confidential bullshit. But now you start spewing poetry about people being right for me, and what, you imply that I’m supposed to think of you as that person? If you wanted that so bad then why didn’t you go out there and dance with me yourself?”

Steve lets the question sink in for a moment before he replies, “Because, after everything that we don’t talk about, I thought the last thing you would want is for me to be that person.”

“Then why are you pushing it now?”

Steve runs a hand through his hair and bursts out, “Because I want you to want me to be that person! And I want to be that person."

"And why should I believe that?" Eddie asks, stepping closer to him and Steve finds his back pressed into the wall. "After you told me that I meant nothing to you. That I was just your failed experiment because King Steve doesn't like boys. Do you really think I don't remember everything you said?"

"Do you think I don't remember everything I said, and maybe that I lied, and I've regretted my words since the second I said them to you? Do you think I enjoyed telling you it was stupid for you to think you ever meant anything to me?" Steve asks, leaning into Eddie's space, face scrunching up at the words he remembers saying all too well.

"Then why did you say all of it?" Eddie asks cocking his head to the side, eyes flashing briefly with something that looks like hope that he quickly covers up with anger.

Steve takes a deep breath and gently puts his hands on Eddie's shoulders as he explains, "Because I was scared. I was fucking terrified because I started falling for you, and I couldn't stop it. I woke up every damn morning thinking about you, and I felt like I wasn't okay until I saw you and got to talk to you. I just wanted things to be physical, but they were never that simple. And I was a fucking asshole who didn't know what to do. I just needed to end it somehow, and that was the only way I knew how. And I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm so fucking sorry." Steve feels tears sting at his eyes and he fights to not pinch at his nose. He needs Eddie to know how much he regrets everything.

Eddie stares at him for a few seconds in silence. His eyes search his, flicking back and forth between each eye before he slowly backs away and curses under his breath.

Steve squirms a bit under his gaze and finally sighs and asks, "What are we doing in here, Eds? Why did you bring me here?"

Eddie shakes his head and runs his hands over his face before pacing back and forth. "I don't know," he says quietly. "I don't know!" he practically yells before rambling on, "I know you've changed, and I know you're different. And for some reason, I just wanted to open old wounds and see if I could make you jealous or some shit. Wanted to make you see what you're missing out on, but I don't know!" Eddie sighs sharply and stops pacing to look directly at Steve. "I wanted to know if you felt the same," he says quietly before laughing humorlessly, "But I didn't realize how much old shit it would bring up. You did a fucking number on me, you know?"

Steve looks down at the ground and feels a tear slip down his cheek. "I know, Eddie. If I could go back and change things, I would in a heartbeat." And it's true. God, he wishes more than anything he could go back and change so many damn things. He wipes angrily at the next tear that escapes down his cheek, willing it to all stop.

"Steve," Eddie says gently.

Steve sighs and wipes at both of his eyes before glancing up at him. "Yes?"

"Do you mean it?" Eddie asks.

"Mean what exactly?"

Eddie steps closer and fidgets with his rings. "All of it."

Steve nods. "I'm pretty sure I was in love with you back then, and..." he takes a deep breath before admitting, "I'm pretty sure I still am now." He swallows and continues, "You coming back into my life was one of the best things to happen to me, and I wish it was under better circumstances but... I don't regret where we are now."

Eddie takes a few steps toward him before he pulls Steve into a hug and whispers, "I don't regret where we are now either."

Steve pulls Eddie in tighter, trying to hold onto him as if he never let him go. "I'm so sorry."

"I know, Steve," Eddie says, sounding a bit choked up. "You have no idea how much I missed you. I know we've talked and everything as if nothing happened, and I told you you've changed but... you also haven't." He pulls back and grabs Steve by the shoulders. "The guy I fell in love with is that same guy you are today. You were always good deep down, and god, by the end of everything you were so good to me. I nearly called you out on your bullshit when you broke things off, but instead, I spiraled and thought maybe it was all true."

"Nothing I said was true, but everything we had was real," Steve insists.

Eddie takes a deep breath and asks, "And everything we have now... is that real too?"

Steve nods and cups Eddie's face in his hands. "Yes, and I would do anything to be enough for you and make up for everything I should've done."

"Steve," Eddie says, looking at him questioningly, "Kiss me."

Although it's requested in a weird tone, Steve nonetheless leans in and kisses Eddie, trying to pour into the kiss all of his regret and hope as muscle memory kicks in and he carefully traces a thumb against his cheek, his show of gentle affection and genuine love.

The kiss breaks when Eddie smiles and lightly laughs. It's now Steve's turn to look at him questioningly.

"Sorry," Eddie says still smiling widely. "You used to do that thing with your thumb only when you would kiss me without trying to get into my pants."

Steve sighs and thuds his head against Eddie's shoulder. "I didn't even realize. Shit, I was such an asshole."

"You know, it wasn't entirely bad when you did get into my pants," Eddie flirts easily.

Steve laughs softly, feeling the comfortable atmosphere between them that they've recently built. He glances up and flirts back, "Oh, I remember."

Eddie smiles, showing off his dimples before staring at Steve for a few seconds as if considering him. “Should we really do this again?”

Steve grabs Eddie’s hand. “Only if you want to.“

Eddie huffs out a silent laugh. “I really want to.”

“Well that’s great because I do too,” Steve lightly jokes. “But it’ll be different this time, okay? No hiding. None of me being an asshole or trying to hide my feelings.”

“I like the sound of that,” Eddie says with a bright smile. “And I promise to call you out on your bullshit this time around, and I won’t doubt things.”

"I like the sound of that," Steve says with a wink.

There's a loud pounding sound on the bathroom door that startles Steve and Eddie away from each other. Eddie smiles sheepishly. "Should've chosen a different spot to talk."

"All my important conversations seem to happen in a bathroom," Steve replies with a shrug. He runs a hand through his hair and asks, "You ready?"

Eddie hesitates and replies, "I just need to do one thing." He rushes to Steve and cups his face, kissing him deeply before pulling away with a smile. "Okay, I'm good now."

Steve laughs and grabs his hand before unlocking and opening the door.

To both of their surprise, they find Robin on the other side. She looks at their faces then their intertwined hands and sighs in relief, "I thought you killed each other."

Eddie frowns. "You thought that first instead of thinking we were having a quickie?"

"One, gross," Robin says with a frown, "Two, if you guys were having a quickie, Steve wouldn't have checked in on me first."

"Hey-"

Robin holds her finger up at Steve. "Nope, we both know it's true, but it looks like you guys figured things out?"

Steve smiles and looks at Eddie. "I think we did."

"We definitely did," Eddie confirms with a cheesy grin.

"Thank god. Just a warning that the kids may have been taking bets on when you would finally get together," Robin says with a smile before leaning in and saying, "Give it another week and Max will win instead of Dustin."

Steve asks Eddie, "Are you okay with temporarily hiding things again?"

"To make sure Dustin doesn't win that bet? Hell yeah."

Steve squeezes his hand and says, "Maybe we can take a week to ourselves or something. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it a secret for that long."

Eddie's gaze softens as he squeezes Steve's hand back. "I like the sound of that."

In the end, Dustin nearly wins the bet when Steve finds himself unable to resist calling the kids to tell them the news, but Eddie is able to quickly intercept the call as he blasts his music and dances around to distract Steve. And when he says, "Come dance with me," Steve can only promise to call back Dustin later.

As Steve joins him, laughing as hard as he once did before, he can only wonder what would happen if someone told him four years ago that he would end up with Eddie Munson after all.

He thinks he would be a whole mix of emotions. But relieved is one of the main ones that comes to mind.

[sunsetsimon]

boyfriend simon nsfw cont..

simon 'ghost' riley x reader nsfw

okay the first part did okay so here’s what i cut off :) enjoy - sun

nsfw under the cut! mdni

─────── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───────

☼ at first, simon honestly had zero sex drive. he’s been through so much trauma around it, so it rarely crosses his mind. but once you and him become sexually active, he’s ready to go all the time. almost like a horny teenager, every time you cuddle for a while you’ll feel his cock hardening and twitching in his pants before he pulls away, not wanting you to feel uncomfortable. he’ll need you to initiate at first, letting him know it’s okay and that you want him too.

☼ he thinks it’s so fun to tease you, dragging out the foreplay for ages until he decides to show mercy. he’ll kiss every inch of your body, caressing you with his rough hands, a hum escaping your lips. and when he finally feels ready to fuck you, he’ll drag it out even longer for his own torture, forcing you to wait with him. he pushes into you slowly, your pussy coating him easily, stretching more with each inch inserted.

he shivers, pushing deeper until his tip kisses your cervix, and then he stops… unmoving again as he leans down to kiss your neck and chest, ignoring the way you desperately try to move your hips on his for more friction. “si please.. ‘need you so bad,” you whine, shaking your hips to try and loosen his grip on your hips.

“shh.. just wanna feel you for a minute, lovie.”

☼ eating you out becomes a non-negotiable every time too. he won't fuck you until he's given you at least one orgasm with his tongue. simon loves when you ride his face. his arms will hook around your thighs, holding you against his mouth as he devours you completely, moaning at your taste. he loves when you get so desperate to finish, grinding your swollen clit down against his wet muscle, crying out as you finally cum. he doesn’t even notice his own hips bucking against nothing, so turned on by you that he can barely think straight. he laps up every drop from your little hole, pushing his tongue in to taste even more, as if he’d never get the chance again.

☼ sometimes he can get rough, loving to completely dominate you. his hands squeeze your hips hard, nails leaving red crescent indents in your soft skin. "fucking slut.. you're so tight," he hisses, dipping his head into your neck to bite the skin of your shoulder.

your thoughts are spiraling, unable to think straight with the pain and pleasure mixing. his name falls from your lips like a chant as you cum, leg muscles flexing so hard they almost cramp. simon fucks you expertly, desperate to reach his own release. your gummy walls squeeze around him, enveloping him in hot, wet pleasure. “gonna cum baby,” he breathes, milking his last thrusts to not finish inside, “where do you want me?”

☼ has a massive breeding kink after you let him cum inside. the first time is random, completely impulsive but you’re so wrapped up in pleasure that you just need this. “cum inside me… please, i need it,” you beg, dragging him out of his focus, his dark eyes staring down at you, your face shoved into the pillow, ass up in the air.

his huge hand makes impact with your fat ass cheek, slapping it hard before squeezing it, pulling it apart to watch his cock side in and out of your pussy. “fuckin’ you aint enough, huh? you just need me to fill you up? make you have my fuckin’ babies?” he asks roughly, spanking you again. he doesn’t even listen for your answer, completely pussydrunk and needing to fulfill your request.

simon moans your name, pulling you back against him as he releases, hot cum coating your insides in multiple spurts, his orgasm dragging. he holds you there, making you to soak up every drop he can give.

☼ can attempt to be submissive but fails every time because he gets so impatient he cant help but grab your hips and fuck your cunt hard and fast, easily working an orgasm out of you. he gets so needy, feeling so uncomfortable until he's back in your squishy pussy, filling you up with his seed over and over until you cum all around his cock. sometimes he feels a little guilty for not allowing you to have your moment, but he knows you love it anyways.

[stuckinapril]

I genuinely love not having a crush like I’m not over here feeling physically sick over some mid guy being dry to me I’m literally chilling

[gojoest]

first time meeting neighbor nanami kento in the elevator. both reaching to press the button for the 5th floor. your movements freezing as your hands touch in the air. an awkward “sorry” coming from both sides. “let me”, he presses the button. “thanks”, you put your hand back on your bag handle, slightly bowing your head, hoping it’s enough to hide your flushed cheeks.

you glance at his reflection on the elevator door. he’s looking at you. “new around?”, he asks, voice quiet and monotone. “yes”, you reply, “just recently moved”

“it’s a quiet neighborhood, hope it’s to your liking”

you nod with a barely audible “mhm”.

the elevator stops. the doors open. “please”, he takes a small step back, “after you” — inviting you to go first both with words and body.

“thanks”, you say as you step out but “what a man” you think in your head, your heartbeat slightly speeding up — you might just be tiny bit charmed by this blond man.

“well”, you stop in front of your apartment door, “it was nice meetin—”, you fail to finish as he stops in front of the next door and looks at you, “oh?” — it’s barely noticeable but his eyes slightly widen — “we’re next-door neighbors” — and then quickly go back to normal.

“seems so”, you confirm with a smile.

each encounter with him in the apartment building would lead to slower walks down the corridor and more dragged-out conversations in front of your doorsteps, on purpose — just so you can steal a little bit more time together here and there, neither of you aware of the mutual crushing nor brave enough to invite the other in — it might seem too pushy and inappropriate — you both would think.

your eyes would search for each other every day going in and out of the building. sometimes you’d find him waiting in front of the elevator, even though the hall indicator would show it’s already on the 1st floor. and other times it’s you who’d do the waiting.

after a while you both become well aware of each other’s schedules and thus the “accidental” hallway meetings become a stable part of your day.

but when you don’t see him around this evening you find it a bit unusual. maybe he got held back at work, you think.

he didn’t.

he’s waiting. leaning against the wall next to your apartment door, with a bottle of red wine and two glasses — he’s waiting. for you.

and little did you know — you would leave together the next morning.

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.