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peninkwrites · 2 years

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the dead don't dream - ch 29

The last dark before the dawn.

(CW: themes of suicide! Read with caution!)

crossposted to ao3

Ch 1

Ch 28

Ch 30

“Hi, Tommy!”

“Oh, hey, Ghostbur.”

Ghostbur drifts around the platform beside him. “You’re in L’Manberg!”

“Er, yeah. I am.”

“I feel like you don’t come here very often,” Ghostbur makes an astute observation. “Especially without Tubbo.”

Tommy feels a pang of irritation, but he doesn’t snap at Ghostbur, or leave him. “I guess. I’m here now, though.”

“Good!” Ghostbur smiles. He doesn’t look like Wilbur when he smiles. “Do you remember when we were on vacation? I got to spend time with you every day, Tommy!”

Tommy’s nails dig into his palm, but he settles. He knows Ghostbur doesn’t mean anything by it. He doesn’t know any better. Hurts either way. Ghostbur is right, though. This is a change. Tommy had walked to New L’Manberg alone, he told Tubbo where he was going, and he left. Without armor or a guard beside him. He still has an axe handy, of course, but Tommy hasn’t felt this… light in a long time.

Maybe it means Tommy is getting better. He’s becoming brave again. Tommy goes outside on his own, he meanders through the snow alone and without terror. He no longer confines himself to Tubbo’s basement and the protection offered by the stasis chambers. Tommy is always sure to message Tubbo, so he doesn’t panic if returning to an empty house, but he doesn’t cling to him like he had in his first weeks back. Now, he explores New L’Manberg, taking the time to speak with Ghostbur.

“I’d rather focus on the present, Ghostbur,” is all Tommy can bring himself to say.

“Okay, Tommy! What’re we doing today? Do you still need help finding that book?” Ghostbur drifts through the empty stalls. Tommy doesn’t know why there’s a market when there’s no one left, but Ghostbur seems to find it interesting enough.

“No, I don’t,” Tommy remembers he’s probably expected to reply. He heads uphill, toward Ghostbur’s home but not. “Actually, Ghostbur, I was gonna take a look at Fundy’s place here.”

“Oh, I know Fundy! My son!” Ghostbur says excitedly, drifting ahead up the hill to where Fundy’s home rests in slight disrepair. “He lives here?”

“You don’t know?” Tommy frowns.

“Hm,” Ghostbur mulls it over. “I don’t remember, actually! I…” Ghostbur stops, staring at the walls a little aimlessly. “I don’t know where Fundy is. Hm.”

Tommy feels a strange sort of ache in his chest. “It’s– It’s alright, Ghostbur. He’s in the desert I think. I could– I mean, I was gonna ask about having his house, so, I could ask him where he is now too.”

“Okay, Tommy!” Ghostbur continues on happily, going through Fundy’s old chests. He speaks of loss and he doesn’t know it. He forgets but Tommy knows Wilbur doesn’t. So he’ll do as he said.

Tommy originally hadn’t planned on asking Fundy if he could have his house, just on moving in. He supposes he has to now.

<TommyInnit> hey fox boy. Can i have ur old house in lmanberg?

<Fundy> yea sure man

<Fundy> oh my god

<Fundy> you’re alive???

Tommy stares down at his comm, almost uncomprehending. A barking laugh rises before he’s even fully processed what he’s reading. Fundy hadn’t been a part of the rescue party, Tommy had known that, but he hadn’t thought that it meant Fundy didn’t know any of it.

<TommyInnit> up for debate but sure. Guess i thought someone would have told u.

<Fundy> NO???

<Fundy> WAIT

<Fundy> I SAW UR BODY

<Fundy> I WAS AT YOUR FUNERAL

<Fundy> THIS IS SO MESSED UP WHOEVER IS MESSING WITH ME RN

<TommyInnit> DONT FUCKING SHOUT AT ME BITHC I KNOW IM ALIVE BETTER THAN U DO TE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABUOT ANYTHING

<Fundy> Ok u sound like Tommy.

<TommyInnit> yeah Dream killed me alot but hes got a book to bring me back. Stay away if u see him he’ll do something fucked up to u if he sees u out there all alone

<Fundy> Uh. Ok. Good to know

<Fundy> I am really fucking far from the mainlands right now otherwise I’d. come see you??? Idk what im supposed to do here.

<Fundy> Im glad you’re not dead. Next time I’m around I’ll come by. Promise.

<TommyInnit> ok thanks for the house

Tommy sees Fundy’s comm go offline. He had forgotten to ask where he was. For Ghostbur. Tommy looks up to where Ghostbur has meandered out of the half finished house and back towards his sewers, humming all the while. He supposes it doesn’t matter. If he hadn’t brought it up, Ghostbur wouldn’t have thought of Fundy at all. He doubts Wilbur could focus in enough to have heard that conversation. Maybe when Fundy is actually here he’ll be sure Ghostbur is there too so at least Wilbur can see his son. If that counts for anything.

Tommy doesn’t follow Ghostbur toward the sewers yet, even if he plans on spending more time with the ghost. First he just stops, standing outside Fundy’s old home and looking out over New L’Manberg. Tommy sighs. He still feels so weary. He is better though. Tommy scans the horizon offhandedly, feeling like he should be looking for Dream.

He’s still scared of Dream coming after him. Terrified, actually. In the same breath he needs that monster to show. It’s the only way he gets Wilbur back, that has become more and more painfully clear to him. So here he is, taking fewer precautions, wandering off alone, letting his guard down, tempting fate. He doesn’t know what Dream is waiting for. Tommy is out in the open alone for hours at a time, what more can he do? Tommy almost wants to scream at him, what more do you want from me?!

But even after all of this he still hasn’t gotten quite that desperate.

It’s going to be a good day. He’s going to try. Even if he’s still waiting for the end to come to him, until then he’s going to try anyway.

Tommy stops staring at the horizon. He heads toward the sewers.

“Oh, hello, Tommy!” Ghostbur seems surprised to see him. “Did you need something?”

“No, Ghostbur,” Tommy doesn’t like that Ghostbur doesn’t understand why Tommy is there. It makes Tommy feel as if he’s failed somehow. He’d wanted to be around Ghostbur more, for Wilbur’s sake, but the fact of the matter it just hurts. He can only take so much time looking at his brother’s shadow. “I… I wanted to hang out. Y’know, like old times, eh?”

“Oh, sure, Tommy! Like… like what?” Ghostbur tilts his head at him curiously.

Tommy pauses. Ghostbur’s home still feels stuffy, the heat of the fire almost too much to bear, and the outside room with the brewing stands are just as bad if not worse. The scent of burning blaze powder makes Tommy think of wounds needing to be healed.

Wilbur was the one with a plan, with the crazy scheme and task for Tommy to follow. Tommy has ideas of his own, always of course, but it’s just one more reminder of how different Ghostbur is to what Tommy really longs for.

“I was… I was thinking we could…” Tommy does have an idea. It hurts to think about, both from fear and wanting. “You… You still have y– You still have Wil’s guitar, right?”

Ghostbur stares at him blankly.

“You… you can’t have lost it, like– Where could it have gone if you don’t have it?” Tommy pushes on insistently. “Please try to remember, Ghostbur, this is important.”

Ghostbur frowns, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Tommy,” he says so meekly. “I really don’t remember. I remember lots of happy memories with the guitar, but they… they fade out and get sort of fuzzy at the ravine, I’m afraid.”

Tommy feels a spark of anger in his chest. He has no fair target to give it to so it dies just as quickly. “That’s… that’s alright, Ghostbur.” Tommy tries to think back. It’s so long, but as Ghostbur had implied, there’s only one logical place for the guitar to have been left. Pogtopia.

When Tommy had snuck back into Manberg, reconvened with Tubbo, he had gotten the essentials. That meant tools, weapons, an enderchest, and first and foremost, Wilbur’s guitar. Tommy can’t remember if Wilbur ever played it there, or if it remained leaning against the wall beside his bed.

He must have played it once. In the early days, before they both got so wounded.

No. From day one Wilbur had changed. Changed so much the guitar had no longer been a part of the picture. Still, that’s surely where it remained.

“Do you…” Tommy hesitates. Maybe taking Ghostbur, and according to Tommy therefore Wilbur, back there was a bad idea. He needs something to do. Wilbur is currently surviving limbo, he can tolerate a glimpse of a ravine, whatever memories it may hold. “Would you come with me, Ghostbur? On a trip? I want to go get something.”

“Okay, Tommy! Where are we going?” Ghostbur joins him by the door, far too trusting.

“You’ll see, Ghostbur. I don’t think it’s a place you’ll remember,” Tommy remembers the way. He remembers where the half finished railway starts, descending deep under ground. Ghostbur doesn’t comment on the scenery, he doesn’t acknowledge it as anything familiar. Tommy does his best not to overthink that. Was all of them, united to take down Schlatt, finally so unalone, charging out of the dark and into a rising sun, was that not happy to Wilbur?

Clearly not happy enough. He tried to blow himself up before the day was done.

Tommy just keeps walking. This would be a good spot for Dream to grab him, he thinks dully. He’s out in the open, above the treeline, he wouldn’t see anyone until they were right on top of him. He’s out in the middle of nowhere, no witnesses, and if Dream wants to hurt him then and there it would be easy to drag him down into Pogtopia.

Tommy doesn’t stop. He keeps walking at a slow, tedious pace even with his cane, he moves further from the mainlands down this familiar track and now into the tunnels.

“Oh, I think I’ve been here, Tommy!” Ghostbur says, his voice echoing even more than usual off of the tunnel walls.

“You have, Ghostbur,” Tommy says dully. “Wilbur and me lived here.”

“No, not Alivebur, Tommy. I have been here!”

Tommy turns back to look at him. “You have? Why?”

Ghostbur stares at the walls. They’re reaching the part of the tunnel covered in buttons now. “I can’t really remember.”

Tommy sighs. “Of course you can’t.” Tommy takes a few more steps and is struck by the profound feeling that he never should have come here.

The lights have gone out. The buttons remain. Tommy had once thought the buttons were from Wilbur. Months in the dark, he had instead been told that Wilbur had no idea how the buttons had gotten there. Tommy doesn’t understand it. It’s him, isn’t it? Wilbur’s descent plastered on the walls like a child drawing where they shouldn’t, desperate for attention, just one more cry for help Tommy failed to save him from. It wasn’t him. That doesn’t mean they didn’t mock his brother’s plan for a grandiose, self inflicted martyrdom. The buttons remain even as the lights have gone out and this place has sat in empty silence for so long, they cover every surface like a plague or an infection. Even the ground is tainted by it, a minefield of paranoia rather than reality.

Tommy is quick to move past them, back to the divot in the wall that opened up to what constituted a bedroom for them both. Tommy puts a new, lit torch in a sconce on the wall. It makes the room almost cozier. It had never been a very comforting place to sleep or lose sleep in, but it had been something. Plain stone walls, their beds shoved in opposing corners, no door, just open into the air of the ravine. It had gotten cold at night. Tommy remembers that well. He remembers the sound of Wilbur getting out of bed at odd hours just to pace.

There it is.

Tommy was right. Wilbur’s guitar case sits, innocent and passive, beside Wilbur’s old bed. Surely the damp must have gotten to it by now, even in the case it must be damaged–

No. It isn’t. Tommy sits on the edge of Wilbur’s bed, it creaking and disturbing dust, and pulls the thing up beside him, unlatching the case to reveal a guitar as pristine as the last day he’d heard Wilbur play it. That was so long ago. Another lifetime. Tommy takes it out carefully, it’s something precious and fragile. It sits awkwardly in his lap. He’s not the one who is supposed to hold it.

“Ghostbur, come here,” Tommy nods the ghost over. He sits beside him without complaint, looking at the guitar with mild interest.

“Oh, I remember this! We’d sing songs around the fire back in L’Manberg. Those were good nights, Tommy,” Ghostbur nods knowingly.

“Yeah. They were,” Tommy says, voice now soft and hoarse. “Here,” he pushes it toward Ghostbur. “Go on, take it. It’s… sort of yours, isn’t it? By inheritance or proxy or some shit?”

Ghostbur blinks, looking contemplative, his grey, translucent hands taking the guitar hesitantly. It looks awkward in his fumbling and delicate fingers in a way it never was for Wil. Wil would’ve nestled it in front of his torso immediately, hand taking up the right position on its neck as naturally as breathing. Ghostbur holds it in front of him like he’s been asked to just hold onto it for someone else. Which, Tommy supposes, he has.

Tommy stares at it, from Ghostbur’s awfully familiar face to the guitar. “Go on, then. Couldn't you… the– You know, the song? One of the songs?” He asks a little desperately. “I’ve heard you sing it before, Ghostbur. The– The anthem!”

“Oh, I remember that Tommy!” Ghostbur nods, but his hands still rest uncertainly on the frame of the guitar. “I… I don’t remember this bit, though.”

“You– What?” Tommy’s voice falters. “But… you remember the words, the song…”

“Oh of course I do, Tommy! Alivebur wrote it for you,” Ghostbur says brightly.

Tommy feels a lump form in his throat, but he refuses to let himself cry. Not over something so little, and not in front of Wil. Not when the whole reason he’s here with this stupid useless fucking shell is to maybe give Wil something to hold onto. Of course Ghostbur remembers the fucking song but not how to play the guitar. He’d written the song for Tommy, but playing the guitar had belonged to him. Nothing belonging to Wilbur had made him happy in the end.

“Let– Let me,” Tommy snatches the guitar back almost protectively. He holds it how he’d seen Wilbur hold it a hundred times before. He puts his hands along the strings, his left hesitating as he tries to remember how Wilbur had placed himself along the fingerboard.

It’s his left hand.

Fucking christ– is he stupid? It’s his left hand. Even if Tommy had any fucking clue how to play, what the fuck is he planning on doing when he’s down a finger? He can’t hold the guitar properly and his hands haven’t stopped shaking in so long, he could barely tie his fucking shoes anymore and he thinks he can do this? That he can even attempt it?

He’d done this because he’d wanted to reach out to Wil, but the fucking problem remains Wil can’t reach out to him. He can’t show him how to properly hold the guitar, he can’t tune it for him or show him the notes or tease him for messing it up. There’s nothing. There’s just a piece of shit out of tune guitar, his shaky, broken, useless hands, and the blank eyes of a ghost watching it all, linking his dead brother to the world about as helpfully as a noose would.

“Tommy?” Ghostbur says in a small voice. “Here, Tommy. Have some blue.”

Tommy looks down at his hand through eyes blurred by tears. He could barely feel Ghostbur’s hand brush against his, but now the blue stains his fingers.

“Y-You’re gonna get it on the guitar, stop it,” Tommy mutters, balling his right hand into a fist and trying to brush him away.

“Okay, Tommy. I’m sorry,” Ghostbur still sounds so nervous.

“No you’re not– Y-You’re fuckin’ not,” Tommy’s voice breaks. “You don’t remember what you have to be sorry for, do you?”

“No, Tommy. I guess not… I don’t think so.”

“Because you’re not him, are you? You’re just not. A-And I dunno if he can even see this but–” Tommy takes a shaky breath, he almost wants to throw the guitar away from him, but he can’t. So instead he puts it back in its case, kneeling before it and staring down at his shaking hands now covered in blue. “But I’m so sorry, Wil. If you can get this I am so fucking sorry, I know it’s been so long for you, I know it’s been years, but I promise I’m still trying it’s just– fuck,” Tommy bites down on his knuckles, trying to hold back another sob. “I can’t I can’t I can’t–”

“Tommy–”

“Don’t touch me!” He snarls at the cold hand gently touching his shoulder.

Ghostbur steps back, looking hurt. “I’ll… I’ll go, Tommy. I’m sorry I made you sad.”

“Just get out! Just get the fuck out of here!” Tommy can’t even shove him back, but the ghost drifts away anyway, leaving Tommy to his grief in the familiarity of a cold stone floor. Tommy falls back against the wall, burying his head in his hands, blue staining the white streak of his hair, as he breaks down into the echoing walls of the ravine.

<TommyInnit> im in L’Manberg. Going to look at Fundys hous b back later.

<Tubbo> Ok! Let me know if you need anything

Tubbo stares down at his comm for a moment. It still feels strange. To have Tommy communicating with him and going about his day independently, to know Tommy is alive out there and not trapped but finally living. Tommy keeps going out. Surely that’s a sign of progress. Since burning Connor’s house, Tommy has seemingly gotten much better. He’s no longer a shut in, he eats well enough, even if sometimes Tubbo has to remind him. He no longer assumes every door will be locked against him and he’s left that awful book of Dream’s behind him. Tubbo has even noticed he doesn’t get up in the night as often to check on Wilbur, still sometimes, but he’s gotten better. And now, for the third day in a row, Tubbo comes home to an empty house and finds that Tommy has gone out into the world alone.

Tubbo doesn’t know what to make of it, it worries him and makes him hopeful all at once. Tubbo trusts Tommy to be safe, even if it makes him anxious that Tommy is out there alone. He does his best not to worry.

Until evening arrives and Tommy is still not home.

<Tubbo> Yu ok?

<Tubbo> Tomy?

<Tubbo> ?

Tubbo paces the cabin, glancing out the windows occasionally, wondering if since it’s dusk it’s late enough that Tommy wouldn’t be annoyed with him checking on him. Instead, there’s a knock at the door. Tubbo knows it isn’t Tommy. Tommy knows not to knock. Tubbo tries to bury his rising panic.

“Tommy?” Tubbo still says it when he opens the door, stepping back when a far more imposing figure stands in the doorway.

“Uh. No,” Techno says awkwardly. “Is he… is he not here? I was here to see him, actually.”

“Oh,” Tubbo frowns. “Was he expecting you?”

“Uhhh no. Didn’t think about that I just… Just got something to give him, that’s all,” Techno still lingers in the doorway, unsure if he’s been invited in or not.

“Right, that’s it,” Tubbo huffs, going to the chest by the door and putting his armor back on.

“You… you okay there, Tubbo?” Techno watches him with a raised eyebrow.

“What?” Tubbo glances back to him as he grabs his axe. “Maybe. Dunno. Depends on where the fuck Tommy is.”

“...Right,” Techno makes sure his own axe his in his hotbar. It always is. “Time for another rescue mission, huh?”

“No,” Tubbo says sharply. “He– He probably just forgot to check his comm. Come on, he’s in L’Manberg.”

He has to be.

Tubbo and Techno proceed in awkward, if not urgent, silence. Tubbo’s eyes remain set ahead, searching for the L’Manberg skyline. So much so he storms down the prime path and almost runs right past Tommy’s house and into the tunnel.

He stops.

Tommy’s home is crumbling.

Light pours from the widened doorway and onto the dark lawn, chunks of smooth stone continue to fall away to reveal the dirt layer underneath, and there Tommy stands in the middle of it all, swinging a pickaxe with the kind of slow determination of a long struggle.

“Tommy?”

Tommy screams. “FUCK– Tubbo! The fuck are you trying to do to me?!” Tommy clutches his chest, his already weary heart beating even harder. Tommy’s arms and legs are burning by now. He’s not ready for this kind of strenuous activity, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to stop.

“To you– Where have you been?!” Tubbo can’t help but shout back, more bafflement than anger.

“I– I said I was gonna be in L’Manberg,” Tommy gestures toward the city state. “I told you I was!”

“Hours ago, Tommy! You were gone so long and you weren’t answering on your comm– you scared me!” Tubbo’s shoulders lose some of their tension as he’s swept by relief. He’d been burying how terrified he had been, focusing on his goals and only cool logic as he is wont to do when he gets this scared, but how could he not have thought the worst? “Oh my god, Tommy– I thought– I thought Dream had–” Tubbo takes a deep breath, exhaling a weighted sigh.

“My– My comm?” Tommy frowns. He searches his person for it, finally seeing Tubbo’s messages. “Oh.” He looks guilty. “Forgot about that.” Tommy seems to just now notice, or at least acknowledge Technoblade, who has stood in his usual unsure fashion behind them both. “Fuck– You dragged Techno out here? Shit, I am so sorry, man, I didn’t mean to… to be so much trouble,” he finishes weakly. He’s resting his weight on his pickaxe instead of his cane. He looks shakier than usual. Tubbo thinks he can see what looks like blue ink– Or rather Ghostbur’s blue, still staining his hands. Actually, looking more closely, the blue is faintly visible in the white streak in Tommy's hair as well.

“Don’t worry about it, Tommy. I, uh. I actually was lookin’ for you,” Techno rummages through his inventory for a moment.

“You were?” Tommy says reluctantly.

Techno retrieves whatever he had been looking for. “I replaced the glass and thought… thought you might want it back.” Techno extends a hand, a compass flat against his palm, shining fresh glass covering a needle which resolutely points to the figure beside him.

Tommy can see the words carefully engraved by ghostly hands. Your Tubbo.

“Oh,” Tommy stares at it. He doesn’t take it. “I thought… For a second I thought you were gonna ask to talk about when you saw me die.”

“Oh,” Techno has no idea what to say to that.

“I’m… I’m not mad at you, Techno. You know that, right?” Tommy raises an eyebrow at him.

“Good, ‘cause your anger is really high on my lists of priorities,” Techno says dryly, but he still holds the compass out to him.

“Cool,” Tommy scoffs, unimpacted by Techno’s apparent disinterest. “Basically, all I’ve got is what I’ve already said. Thanks for… for being there,” Tommy shrugs. “Not much more to it, eh?”

Techno nods, looking unsure. He doesn’t know how to tell Tommy he’s sorry, when they both know he isn’t really guilty. “Sooo do you not want the compass or..?”

Tommy accepts it, glancing from the needle over to his best friend. “I should break the enchantment,” he mutters.

“What? Why?” Tubbo frowns.

“If Dream gets me, it’ll take him right to you,” Tommy says.

“Dream didn’t seem to care about it when he crushed it,” Techno points out.

“It’s not safe, okay?” Tommy says irritably. He holds the compass tightly in his fist, heading to the enderchest in the back room, placing it carefully among his other precious belongings.

“What are you even doing out here, Tommy?” Tubbo stares around at the crumbling stone walls. Tubbo doesn’t know that there is an absence in this scene, something missing. He doesn’t know that there should be a guitar somewhere in here but there isn’t

Tommy glances at the walls tiredly, sitting back on one of the chests with a weighted sigh, his hand going to his left leg, which had been protesting Tommy’s labors for a while now. His leg is still this strange mixture of numb but still sore. Irritating. He’d liked Fundy’s house well enough, but he hadn’t really seen the point in returning there rather than here. This one just needed some adjustments. “Fixing the house.”

“This is fixing the house?” Techno says dryly, unimpressed by the crumbling stone and the weaker dirt underneath.

“Yeah, fixing the house,” Tommy snaps. “Fuckin’ hated the stone bits. Made it echo too much like the–” Tommy stops himself. “I don’t like the stone. So. I’m making it dirt again.”

“Why are you doing that, Tommy?” Tubbo already looks worried. Tommy knows he won’t feel better hearing what he has to say.

“I’m moving back home,” Tommy nods. “About time, right?”

“You’re..?” Tubbo looks crestfallen. “Here? Alone?”

Tommy scowls. “Yeah here, alone.”

“But… why?”

Tommy sighs dramatically. “Really, Tubbo? We’ve talked about this, the clingy thing,” it’s clear Tommy is mostly joking, but Tubbo seems unamused.

“But we were… we were roomies!” Tubbo’s first excuse is weak, it’s emotional. Tommy looks unimpressed. So Tubbo gets logical. “What about– What about the stasis chambers, Tommy? We’d have to get everyone back to move them and Sam would have to rebuild them in your basement and we’d probably have to activate the ones at my place if people don’t want–”

“I was thinking I don’t need the stasis chambers anymore, eh?” Tommy cuts him off.

“You don’t?” Techno asks doubtfully.

“Well, yeah! It’s been a long time and Dream still hasn’t shown up, so,” Tommy shrugs, fiddling with his pickaxe.

“What the hell has gotten into you, Tommy?” Tubbo is getting more and more thrown off by the second.

“I would’ve thought you’d be happy for me, man!” Tommy exclaims. “This is progress, eh? I’m not all shut in the snow anymore, now am I?”

“What about Wilbur?” Tubbo asks sharply. “Are you going to bury him?”

Finally Tommy is effected in some way, looking as if he’s been slapped, mouth hanging open, staring at Tubbo like he’s betrayed him. Tubbo remembers what that look looks like. The silence extends. Techno definitely not planning on breaking it, and Tubbo watching Tommy’s expression for some reaction.

“No. No, I’m not,” Tommy says stiffly.

“What, are we gonna move his corpse again, then? Drag it over here instead?” Tubbo says it like a challenge. He wants Tommy to say something, to fight him on this, to give some indication that this shouldn’t scare Tubbo.

Tommy says nothing.

There’s too much bitterness in Tubbo’s eyes. “You’ll have to settle on a spot eventually, Tommy. You can’t expect us to keep moving a dead body around like a fucking– a fucking decoration! Hm? So, really, you’re actually moving back in here alone, it’ll just be you and Wilbur’s body like old times?”

Tommy doesn’t get angry. Somehow that’s worse. He just looks tense, like if he opens his mouth he’s going to be sick.

“Well?” Tubbo doesn’t stop. He’s desperate and worried and almost growing cruel because of it. He doesn’t know why Tommy is doing this, how can he not get defensive?

“Actually,” Tommy’s voice is quieter now, but steady. “I was gonna leave him in Snowchester. I thought… I thought I could just trust you to check on him for me.”

Tubbo’s eyes widen, every bit of defiance sapped away from just a few words. The silence presses in. The blackness outside contrasting the light within until it feels like this room is the only thing in the world. Still, they don’t speak.

“Well, looks like you two have a lot to talk about, so,” Techno finally breaks the silence, coughing deliberately. “I’m… gonna go. Uh. Bye.” And with that, Techno all but fled the tension in the crumbling house in the hill.

Tommy stares down at his pick, swinging it over the wooden floors. He doesn’t want to be mad at Tubbo anymore, but for some reason he feels like the only other option is this strange feeling of dread. He knows why. Of course he does. But he’s so tired of Dream still infecting the few relationships he has left.

“I shouldn’t– I shouldn’t have said that,” Tubbo finally says the right thing.

“Yeah,” Tommy scoffs gloomily. “You shouldn’t have.”

“I’m just– I’m just worried about you, man. I don’t know how you feel comfortable moving back here, and I guess I– I wanted you in Snowchester because I want to know you’re safe,” Tubbo tries to explain, not to justify his harsh words, but to let Tommy know it wasn’t supposed to be malice. He’s just scared.

“We can’t know that, Tubbo,” Tommy says. He sounds too calm. He’s still not looking Tubbo in the eye. “I’m tired of waiting around and nothing happening. I’ve got to do something.”

Tubbo nods. “Okay. Okay, Tommy. I… I’m glad you are. I dunno how I was such a dick about this, when I should be proud of you– I am proud of you,” he says firmly. “I want you to be able to be at home and to… not be so scared, right?”

Tommy manages a weak smile that neither of them quite believe, but it’s an attempt. “Right.”

Tubbo still hesitates. “And… are you sure you’re okay spending the night here? I could… I could stay. I could help you! To get rid of the stone. I don’t mind, really.”

Tommy stands wearily, wincing as his sore muscles protest. He sets aside his pickaxe. “Nah, Tubbo. I think it’ll be good for me. Being alone for a night.”

“Are you… are you totally sure?” Tubbo has to check. He wants to be happy for his best friend. He really does. He knows this mother-hen act isn’t good for either of them, but he’s just so scared of losing his best friend again.

“I’m sure, Tubbo,” Tommy says. He’s strangely gentle now. He sighs, pulling Tubbo into a hug, holding onto him tightly. Tubbo squeezing back easily, burying his face in Tommy’s shoulder. He’s not as skinny as he had been at the start. That offers Tubbo a little more comfort, knowing Tommy is better in ways he can measure. “I love you, man. And– And all this is temporary, alright? All this… strangeness and bad stuff. Dream will turn up and I’m gonna get Wil back, and then it’ll all get easier. Promise.”

Tubbo doesn’t believe him. “Okay, Tommy.” Tubbo turns back towards outside, he doesn’t want to go, but he will, if that's really what Tommy wants.

“Wait,” Tommy stops him, a gentle hold on his friend’s sleeve. He hesitates. “It’s not… it’s not that late. Do you… do you want to help me tear down the stone for a bit? Not too late, but… I don’t hate your company, you know.”

Tubbo smiles. “Oh really? Who’s clingy now?”

“Oh, fuck off,” Tommy shoves him lightly. “Quit standing around, I’m not paying you to gawk at me!”

“Oh, you’re paying me, are you?”

“Yeah, with the honor of being in my company.”

Maybe Tubbo starts to believe Tommy is getting better. He’s working and joking and he doesn’t keep looking over his shoulder anymore. That barking laugh resurfaces more easily and Tommy has a light behind his eyes. He feels like he’s really here, existing in this moment instead of haunting some terrible past. Tubbo can look at this version of Tommy and see his best friend. For once he can look at Tommy and he cannot find that pang of grief still resonating inside of his chest. So it goes.

Tommy finally tosses aside his pick, leaning heavily against the wall. “Finally,” he sighs. “Much better, right?”

“Er, yeah,” Tubbo stares around at the dirt walls, now repacked and stable enough, and still isn’t sure if he sees the improvement. But it makes Tommy happy, so he’ll lean into it. “What about your bedroom? That’s got stone.”

Tommy seems to consider this for a moment. “Yeah, but I’m just sleeping in there. I spend most of my time in here, getting shit done,” Tommy nods knowingly.

“Fair enough. Do you want… don’t you want doors?” Tubbo looks doubtfully at the still open doorframe.

“Er, definitely not,” Tommy scoffs. “This part of the server is lit up like a fuckin’ christmas tree I’m not that worried about mobs and shit. I like… I like air,” is how Tommy decides to phrase his current feelings after so much time in a cell.

“Me too,” Tubbo teases.

“Real funny, Tubso,” Tommy teases right back. He sighs. “Right, you should go home. Actually get some sleep. And I should too.”

Tubbo is getting tired, but he still hesitates. “And… and you’re sure?”

“Fucking hell– yes, Tubbo, I’m sure,” Tommy rolls his eyes at his best friend, teasing him. He grins. “So clingy.”

Tubbo laughs. “Fine. Okay– I’ll leave. I’m going,” Tubbo takes one hesitant step towards the door. “See you tomorrow, bossman.”

Tommy’s smile falters for a moment, he puts a hand on Tubbo’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Love you, Tubbo. You’re a good friend.”

“Don’t get too sappy on me, Tommy,” Tubbo pauses only for another moment before he forces himself to turn around and head down the prime path. He cannot stop himself from glancing back before turning the corner, and Tommy stays there, watching him walk away without fear, just an easy nod and a smirk. Tubbo needs to learn how to let him be. Tommy seemed sure, so Tubbo will be sure too. His best friend is getting better, he doesn’t seem so scared anymore. That’s something to be celebrated. That should matter far more than whatever hangups Tubbo seems to be having. He’ll be fine alone for one night. Maybe Tubbo will move back into his old house tomorrow, so he’ll be closer to him. One night apart. Tubbo can bear one night apart.

Tommy feels guilty. He dully thinks that it’s good that he feels guilty, really. It means he’s feeling something. The last time, he’d felt guilty too, but that had been because when he thought of Tubbo he still had no regrets. He pauses again, choosing to wait, but it still isn’t a matter of second thoughts.

He’ll sleep through the rest of the night. He wants to see the sunrise.

He doesn’t end up sleeping. He lays awake in his old home and it feels wrong, it feels unfamiliar. The blankets are stiff from their lack of use and Tubbo was right. He doesn’t like staring up at the stone ceiling. It’s not obsidian, but he misses the wooden beams of Tubbo’s cabin. Those have depth, it’s not just a boxed off room. Tommy rolls on his side, looking out of the doorway into his front room. From here he can just barely make out a sliver of the outside. Part of him is just hoping someone will come get him, to snap him out of this one way or another.

No one comes.

That’s alright, then. Tommy knows what he’s doing.

Tommy stares at that thin line into the outside world and refuses to think about the crack in the obsidian he’d spent hours clawing at. His thumb runs over the grooves of scars around his fingernails. He forces himself to stop, before he starts scratching. He watches until the blackness of night softens into blue. Tommy’s hands are still stained from Ghostbur’s efforts at kindness the day before. He should get going.

Tommy sits up, stretching until his back cracks. He’s still sore from yesterday, but it’s a good kind of sore. One from the aftermath of a project instead of a beating. Tommy fumbles for his shoes, lacing them up with only a few moments of struggle. Progress. He rummages in his inventory, finding his journal. Tommy flips to the first blank page and scribbles something down quickly before returning it to his person, doing his best not to agonize over the words. That’s one part done. Tommy meanders over to his open doorway. The sun has yet to crest over the distant hills, so the world remains soft and blue, the grass damp with dew and Tommy would imagine if he laid down on the prime path it would be cold and damp as well. The sun would rise and the world would dry out again. Tommy considers breakfast. He can eat carrots now. That’s nice. Tommy takes some from his garden and proceeds through the tunnel toward L’Manberg. This feels like a gentle morning, Tommy thinks. Maybe on another day he would force the world awake with him, an explosion of noise and energy and excitement to warm the ground first. This is easier for him now. The carrots are still sweet, but the sugar doesn’t hurt his teeth anymore. Tommy makes it to the stairs when he realizes, irritably, that he’d left his cane back in his house.

He descends the steps with a bit more delicacy. Not that it mattered much. Tommy wouldn’t have been able to use a cane to go up the ladders in the tower. Tommy walks around L’Manberg, glancing at Phil and Ranboo’s darkened windows side by side. He buries another pang of guilt. The other side he can see the docks. He knows if he goes down the hill he’d find Niki’s bakery, abandoned from what he’s heard. Tommy keeps walking until he reaches Eret’s tower. This part is going to be a bit shit, but the walk over had been nice. That counts for something, he thinks.

Tommy stares up the ladder ruefully. He remembers climbing it before, in a rush of energy with friends and fellow soldiers at his back. The 16th. When they’d first realized they were winning.

This climb is slower, more exhausting even without the weight of armor. Tommy reaches the first level just as the sunrise finally breaks over the horizon. The blue is gone. Instead, a flood of yellow and orange. The sun rises behind the tower. So Tommy isn’t blinded as he looks over New L’Manberg. He has to admit, Tubbo and Ghostbur did a good job. It’s beautiful in a way the original L’Manberg had never quite been. Less clumsy.

Tommy looks down and cannot hide the thought from himself: how can you just give all this up when you just got it back?

And the answer is far easier than the question.

Because you know you deserve to see it with Wil. Together.

Tommy feels an ache in his chest, but still, he clambers up between the crenels of the tower.

“Oy! Tommy! The fuck are you doing, mate? You’re gonna fall!”

“Fuck,” Tommy mutters. He was supposed to do it before anyone woke up.

“Tommy?” Phil shouts up again when Tommy doesn’t reply.

“Of-fucking-course you’re up, aren’t you, Phil? Early bird gets the worm and all that shit?” Tommy shouts back.

“What’d you mean?” Phil laughs a little nervously now. “Just– Just back up off the ledge, will you? You look like one good bit of wind would knock you over and I can’t fly up there to catch you anymore, you know?”

Tommy doesn’t move, he refuses to look Phil in the eye. He isn’t sure what to do now. He’d planned it so carefully. He’d left a note so Tubbo would know his logic, he’d considered lava– an easy route– but had decided he didn’t want his friends searching for his bones, and if his body was accessible, maybe it would be more likely to tempt Dream to get to him. So he’d settled on jumping. Jumping wouldn’t have been bad if Philza fucking Minecraft hadn’t showed up right when he shouldn’t have.

“Fuck,” Phil says as Tommy’s prolonged silence speaks for itself. “Tommy– What– For gods sake– what were you planning on doing?!” Phil shouts even as Tommy’s intentions are abundantly clear.

“...thought it’d be obvious,” Tommy calls back, hands fidgeting restlessly at his sides.

“Obvious– Jesus Christ, Tommy, you can’t be– Just– Just step back, alright, mate? We’ll– We can talk about this!” Phil is beginning to feel frantic now. Because this is familiar. The last time Phil had been so much calmer because he’d been so sure that Wilbur would listen to him. That his son hadn’t changed that much. So sure right up until he pressed that button.

Phil doesn’t have any more wings to sacrifice.

“Tommy, just look at me! What’re you– What is this gonna do, Tommy? You fought so hard to get back home, why throw that away?” Phil keeps his eyes locked on Tommy. Even if Tommy takes a step forward, it’s not like Phil can do anything. He doesn’t have a water bucket or anything to break a fall.

“Why– You of all people saying that shit to me, Phil…” Tommy scoffs. The logic had been absolute in Tommy’s mind. You cannot get Wilbur back without Dream. Dream still has complete control over you. The only way you can regain that control is to draw him out. You draw him out by killing yourself. Dream revives you, he’s there, you make him revive Wilbur too.

“Me of all people–” Phil laughs nervously. He scrambles for any thought to get Tommy to take a step back instead of forward. “What would Eret think of you using their tower?”

Tommy actually seems to consider this for a moment. “...They don’t have to know if you don’t tell them.”

“Well– Well I will tell them, actually! So, so you just get down, yeah?” Phil fumbles for his comm. He needs to get Tubbo down here.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Phil. Don’t get a crowd down here, or I’ll be sure to jump before they get here,” Tommy notices immediately.

“Well, maybe– Maybe some people will want to say goodbye!” Phil tries weakly.

Tommy looks down at him scathingly. “Really, Phil? Is this the best you’ve got? Dunno what I expect from the guy who helped Wil with his thing…”

“It wasn’t– It wasn’t like that!” Phil just has to keep talking. Just keep Tommy talking until he can get help or something. He’s still itching to message Tubbo. “I thought– The way Wil said it, I thought he was gonna– gonna die to some fucked up execution by you all or– or try to hurt more people a-and he– he wasn’t supposed to be on his last life!”

“...Maybe I’m not on my last life, Phil. You don’t know how revival works.”

“You’re a shit liar, Tommy!”

“Look, Phil, don’t take this so personally, man! I’m not Wilbur. And this isn’t even supposed to be permanent! Just think about it– This gets Dream to come crawling out of whatever hole he’s hiding out in, and then we get Wil back! I know you want that too,” Tommy didn’t want an audience. He doesn’t know what to do besides convince Phil to turn away.

“You– You can’t know that!”

“What other fucking option is there?!” Tommy shouts. “I’m not gonna keep waiting around so Wil has to spend the rest of eternity waiting for me to do my fucking job and be a good brother!”

Phil sighs. Looking up at that distant figure. He understands Tommy’s anger, he does, but Phil doesn’t know how to tell Tommy there’s another way when he himself feels just as helpless. So he turns to something maybe a little cruel. “...What would Wilbur think of what you’re doing? He helped you escape. What would he think of you throwing it all away?”

That was the wrong thing to say.

Tommy is screaming at him now. “He did this to me first! You– You want to talk about throwing it all away– Look around you, Phil! Your house is on top of a fucking crater!” Tommy laughs, hysterical and furious.

Phil doesn’t stop trying. “And from what you’ve said he regretted it.”

Tommy’s lip trembles. All Phil can see is a frozen figure still on a precipice. Tommy’s next words are quieter. He doesn’t know if Phil can hear him, he doesn’t care. “Not enough.”

He steps forward. There are hands around his waist.

“Stop!” Tommy screams more on instinct than anything. “Let go! Let me go!” Underneath the panic maybe there’s a bit of satisfaction. You did it. You drew him out and now Dream is going to take you away again.

It’s not Dream.

Not that that realization means anything at this point, because Tommy and Ranboo are both tumbling over the edge.

It’s over in an instant, too fast for Tommy to really process what’s happening, all he knows is blinding pain in his ankle as he lands on his leg– and then there’s water and the pain stops there. Tommy is drenched and Ranboo is too.

Phil runs to them the moment they began to fall, falling to his knees beside them. “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re both okay,” he tears off his cloak and frantically tries to dry the water from Ranboo’s skin.

Ranboo doesn’t let go, even as Tommy fights to get away, even as his skin burns, he cannot let go of Tommy, he keeps his arms around him, trembling, pain secondary to knowing Tommy is still breathing.

#dsmp fanfic #ghostbur #my writing #tddd #feedback is cherished as always #suicide cw #dsmp #c!wilbur #wilbur soot #c!Tubbo #Tubbo #c!tommy #tommyinnit #c!Philza #Philza #c!ranboo #ranboo

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odd-birds-and-booksellers · 3 years

Note

Hiiii can you write prompt number 4 from the first list kinda need some Jolex rn

pick up the pieces & build a lego house

It’s only when she looks up from unpacking and notices how dark it is, does she realise how much time has passed. Disregarding the box she’d just ripped open she decides her husband had been far too quiet for far too long. She’s not sure when his gruff voice mumbling a string of curse words as he tried to assemble what felt like a never-ending amount of baby crap they’d decided to leave till the last minute had filtered out but it had definitely been a while since she’d heard him gain another self-inflicted injury.

“Alex?” She calls out, shifting up off the floor, one hand curled around her burgeoning bump. She lets out a deep breath as she waddles her way towards the staircase, calling out to her husband once again. The second they’d said goodbye to the loft she’d regretted it, space was overrated, having everything in one room might have seemed a little crowded but Jo would rather call it convenient. Her short temper begins to flare as she calls out for a third time with no response. Annoyed Jo makes her way up the stairs, feeling a little out of breath as she reaches the top, all courtesy of their big-headed baby getting all up in her lungs.

“Alex I swear if you’ve made me come all the way up these stairs and you aren’t dead I’ll kill you myself.”

As she rounds the corner of the nursery, it takes her a second to catch sight of her husband in between all the boxes, with all excess wrapping laid out...the room resembles a junkyard more than it does a nursery.

And there he was, in between all the chaos leaning back against the crib that she’d instead he put up now, he’d cushioned himself against an excessively large teddy bear his godchildren had picked out. His face scrunched up like he was almost in pain, mumbling faintly under his breath and Jo has to tiptoe closer to hear him.

“Babies don’t crunch like that...”

Jo has to stifle a laugh as Alex tosses side to side lightly mumbling utter nonsense about BBQ chips being less baby like then sour cream ones.

“I don’t wanna crush the baby like chips you know?” His voice sounds rough, half-asleep. Jo clamps a hand over her mouth as she makes her way over, she clears her throat, as she leans down in front of him, brushing some of his hair out of his face, it had grown a little unruly in lockdown and after her first attempt at playing hairdresser, he promised to never let her near him with scissors again.

“Sorry,” she whispers, a soft smile playing on her lips as she kneels down resting on the new plush rug as his sleepy eyes find hers, “I didn’t mean to wake you.” She can tell he’s a little disoriented as he sits up, rubbing his eyes for a moment.

His confused face only makes her smile brighter. She is not surprised to find him asleep up here, he’s been exhausted these last few weeks. Between her midnight cravings, the house move and the constant updates from both hospitals he really wasn’t getting the chance to rest much and no doubt that wasn’t gonna change anytime soon.

Before Alex even has a chance to respond she moves in closer, her lips meeting his, kissing him slowly as his hands slide up her body resting over her bump. They’d spent most of her pregnancy apart...not what either one of them had imagined but when the pandemic hit very little was known about its effects and so of course Jo was made to isolate and while Alex had wanted nothing more than to stay home with her, he was still the chief of a hospital unequipped to deal with the level of patients coming in and they both knew deep down he was needed elsewhere. They’d managed somehow, a lot of FaceTime at the baby scans and car park meetings from six feet apart. There were people worse off, they knew that. But when Jo had hit seven months Alex couldn’t keep away any longer, he was already battling with the guilt of missing so much. So home he came, home, however, was actually all their belongings stuffed into various cardboard boxes all just waiting to be moved across town.

“This is going to sound cheesy but… I love when you’re half asleep and talking nonsense...you’re adorable.”

He laughs and smiles against her lips as he begins to rub soft circles across her bump. “Adorable probably isn’t the word I’d use.”

“Really? What would you use?” Jo grins, as she settles beside him leaning back against the crib that wouldn’t see any use for a long while yet. See while Alex had been working Jo had been left feeling pretty useless, I mean if there was ever a time doctors need to step up it was now and yet here she was trapped at home, watching the news on a loop. Finding their new home had given her something to do, something that didn't make her feel useless.

“Oh, you know handsome...incredibly sexy?” Alex smirks, lifting her legs so they laid out across his lap, his warm hand resting on her thigh.

“Oh you’re right...you taking a nap on a giant teddy bear, mumbling about chips of all things is incredibly sexy.”

“Glad you agree...” Alex smiles, resting his forehead against Jo’s. Here it’s so easy to forget what's going on outside when it’s just the two...or three of them. No one’s sick or dying, here in these four walls they’re safe. They’re home.

Something Jo never really had before she met Alex. A place where their children would always call home, they wouldn’t drag their stuff in a rubbish bag from one crappy place to the next. No here is where they’ll take their first steps and get startled by the flash as Alex struggles to get in on video. Downstairs by the entrance is where they’ll mark their height as they grow and Jo and Alex will mark theirs as they shrink in old age. Outback will be filled with memories of badly burnt BBQs, water gun fights and snow castles. A home where no matter how dark and scary things get outside will always be filled with love.

I can’t remember the last time I did a request. I’ll be honest I’m too scared to even go through my asks but I saw this one and I really enjoyed writing a little fluff with no plot.

Thanks for reading.

#alex karev #jolex #jo wilson #jo karev #greys anatomy #greys abc #greysanatony #justin chambers #greys #camilla luddington #Jolex fanfic #Jolex fanfiction #Jolex oneshot

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aestheticallyunaesthetic17 · 3 years

Text

100 questions and answers

Who is your hero? Probably future me, i want to be able to grow up and be the better person that i hope they are, and the only way of knowing that is by making it happen.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be? New Zealand, Canada or USA. I lived in TX for 3 months and loved it there and I have family in NZ and Canada.

What is your biggest fear? Wasps, 100%. Not being stung but the way they look scares me.

What is your favorite family vacation? When we went to Krakow in Poland.

What would you change about yourself if you could? My skin color. I hate it so much.

What really makes you angry? People hating others or stopping others from being themselves.

What motivates you to work hard? To make future me happier than I am now.

What is your favorite thing about your career? I want to be in cabin crew, so probably the traveling.

What is your biggest complaint about your job? Being away from family.

What is your proudest accomplishment? Getting through the shit 2020 brought me without killing myself.

What is your child's proudest accomplishment? No kids rn.

What is your favorite book to read? Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman

What makes you laugh the most? My boyfriend.

What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? Freaks. I was a bad movie, a little like the scary movies franchise. My friend was scared at parts which was super funny to watch

What did you want to be when you were small? An actor. Typical Leo ;)

What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? They can be anything they want to be.

If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? Visit Edinburgh alone.

What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? To watch, American Football. To play, archery.

Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? Drive a car, it's peaceful and warm. I would blast music.

What would you sing at Karaoke night? no idea.

What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? Heart and Capital

Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Dishes or vacuum.

If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Yard work!!!

If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Tandoori Prawn curry.

Who is your favorite author? Jacqueline Wilson or JK Rowling (only her books, not her)

Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? Just Em. But id like to be called Millie.

Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? Depends on the surprise tbh, I like to plan a lot.

In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read? Watch a movie.

Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? Hawaii. I was meant to go this year but covid and leaving the US fucked it up.

Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why? Work the perfect job, id get bored sitting around all day.

Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? my boyfriend.

If money was no object, what would you do all day? Travel and see the world.

If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? 2012. To see my Nana again.

How would your friends describe you? Stupid.

What are your hobbies? Traveling, photography, music and shopping.

What is the best gift you have been given? Forgiveness from myself.

What is the worst gift you have received? Sixe XXL jacket when im an XS

Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? My macbook.

List two pet peeves. - Breaking trust - Bad table manners

Where do you see yourself in five years? Hopefully working my dream job, maybe moved to a different country and traveling the world.

How many pairs of shoes do you own? too many, roughly 16

If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? Invisibility or teleportation.

What would you do if you won the lottery? build my own house

What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.) Train, its so relaxing. Then planes.

What's your favorite zoo animal? Lions or tigers.

If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? My time in America.

If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? - My nana - my bf - Princess Diana - Obama

How many pillows do you sleep with? 4, two on each side.

What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why)? 26 hours, traveling to Texarkana from Edinburgh.

What's the tallest building you've been to the top in? Idk tbh

Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? looks for intelligence because then you can earn enough for plastic surgery.

How often do you buy clothes? 1/2 a month

Have you ever had a secret admirer? Idk I guess so.

What's your favorite holiday? Summer vacation Christmas for an actual holiday

What's the most daring thing you've ever done? Moved half way across the world and lived with strangers.

What was the last thing you recorded on TV? Nothing

What was the last book you read? 1984

What's your favorite type of foreign food? Indian

Are you a clean or messy person? Both, but relatively clean

Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Millie Bobbie Brown probably

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 1 hour

What kitchen appliance do you use every day? Kettle

What's your favorite fast food chain? Chick fil A (i know, i cant buy it now tho)

What's your favorite family recipe? Nana's bacon and egg pie

Do you love or hate rollercoasters? LOVE

What's your favorite family tradition? Opening gifts on Christmas Eve

What is your favorite childhood memory? I dunno really, Ive forgotten a lot of my childhood.

What's your favorite movie? Ferris Bueller's Day Off or Beautiful Boy

How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? How did you find out? Probably 7/8 but I dont remember.

Is your glass half full or half empty? Half empty.

What's the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love? Said i'd come back one day.

What three items would you take with you on a deserted island? A boat and food. Yes i am that person.

What was your favorite subject in school? Scottish school, geography. US school, government.

What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? Haggis

Do you collect anything? Foreign coins

Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion? Skinny jeans, my ass looks gooood in them

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert that likes being sociable

Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest? hearing

Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise) nope

Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous? my dad is well know in the whisky business. Has his own prime tv show

What do you do to keep fit? Walk a lot and swim.

Does your family have a “motto” – spoken or unspoken? nope

If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce? everyone is equal.

Who was your favorite teacher in school and why? Scottish School, my geo teacher. US school, my english teacher.

What three things do you think of the most each day? My bf, my mum and America

If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Sad, angry and anxious

What song would you say best sums you up? 17 again

What celebrity would you like to meet at Starbucks for a cup of coffee? Timothee Chalamet or Tom Holland

Who was your first crush? a boy called Finlay who i rode the bus with

What's the most interesting thing you can see out of your office or kitchen window? sheep or cows very often

On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are? 5

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? kids, married, settled down and happy. moved countries 100%

What was your first job? never had one

If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? 5sos

How many languages do you speak? 1 - english

What is your favorite family holiday tradition? opening gifts on Christmas Eve

Who is the most intelligent person you know? my mum

If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? a cat probably or a tiger

What is one thing you will never do again? trust people fully

Who knows you the best? my bf.

#100 things about me #questions #100 questions

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purplesurveys · 3 years

Text

1273

What was the longest time you’ve had the hiccups for? Maybe for half an hour? Mine are never that bad.

What type of TV shows are your favourite? Not a big TV show type of person to begin with since it seems as if my attention span wasn’t built for once-a-week, season-breaks kind of content haha. I do like sitcoms, I guess...bite-sized ones like Friends, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Big Bang Theory, etc. Drama shows I’d bite into if the plot is extremely intriguing to me or relevant to my interests, like The Crown or Breaking Bad.

Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? I was before then I wasn’t for a very long time, then I came back just recently with this BTS shit I got myself into.

Do you know anyone who has died in battle? Hmm. I don’t think so. My great-grandpa lived a few more decades after the war.

When was the last time you went on an adventure? July. My friends and I spent the whole day driving around and stopping by sooo many spots around the metro. It was a lot of fun and we were fucking b e a t after.

What brand is your vacuum cleaner? I dunno. My mom mainly uses ours.

Are you good at rapping? I have a number of songs and verses memorized that I can recite quite okay, but I can’t write any of my own.

Name one world issue that upsets you. Racism.

How do you feel about tanning? I never saw the the big deal. I will say tanning beds and salons are such a culture shock to me, though. Are some people really that obsessed with modifying their skin tone?

Have you ever given a public speech? Hmm, just the one time I was entered into a public speaking competition and was given a topic to talk about on the spot. That was honestly a lot of fun and I wish there were more opportunities to do that exact same thing.

Do you read comic books? No. I tried getting into that whole thing, but didn’t see the appeal.

Do you force your way into conversations in which you are not involved? Not always but if I’m starting to feel left out or awkward, I will start to ask a question here and there to ease my way into the conversation. But if the topic is clearly none of my business then I do stay out of the way.

Kiss with your eyes open or closed? Closed.

Do you believe you can change someone? This isn’t a black and white matter, I think. The idea of changing a person can have a lot of layers; in my org, for instance, I got to pick up a few quirks and behaviors from my friends just by being around them for a long time – in that sense, I changed. But you can also strive to change someone who’s struggling and try to make them become happy, which I tried to do with my ex – which of course I learned the hard way that you can’t change someone if in that context.

How did you react when your first pet died? I was bummed out but didn’t throw a fit.

Have you ever drawn anime? No.

Can you use a pogo stick? I’ve never even seen one in real life. I’m dying to try it out just once.

When’s the next time you’ll see the person that you like? I don’t like anybodyyy.

Do you like bathing/showering? I mean...yes? Like I’m not obsessed with showering, but it’s a necessity that I have to regularly do anyway lmao.

Have you ever considered entering a race? Sure! Just give me a couple of weeks to practice because my endurance and stamina are embarrassing.

Rihanna or Lady Gaga? Rihanna.

Who was your first good kiss with? My ex.

What accessory do you want in your bedroom? SHELVES

What do you take the most pictures of? My experiences.

What are you always in the mood for? Starbuuuuuuckssssssss.

What is something that you never turn down? A day out with friends. I’ll always make time. What is something that you always turn down when offered? Food, if I’m a guest at someone else’s place.

Name something sexy about your significant other. I don’t have any.

What is one of your hobbies that you refuse to give up? Surveys, I guess. I enjoy them too much and have been doing them for nearly a decade.

If you could be a professional in any sport what would it be? Tennis.

If you could be a professional at any instrument what would it be? PIANO.

Would you rather be a surgeon or mortician? Surgeon. I would be too terrified seeing dead people, anyway.

Have you ever been on a subway? Nope.

Are you in love? No.

Do you like having your lip softly bitten when you’re kissing? Sure. Softly, roughly...both are fine hahaha.

Do you want to get married when you’re older? I hope so. I want my turn, too.

What was the last band shirt you wore? Eh, I don’t own any. I wore a fanmade V-themed shirt yesterday, if that counts.

You can have a milkshake right now. What flavor do you choose? OMGGGG that sounds so fucking good rn. Chocolate chip cookie dough.

Have you ever given someone flowers? Mhm, I used to give my ex bouquets whenever it was our anniversary.

What day of the week is usually your busiest day? Monday like 98% of the time, so I hate them. It ultimately varies, though. Sometimes some days are a hell of a lot more hectic than others.

Do you have any concerts coming up? I mean...obviously not.

Do you like or hate the smell of fish? Oh yessssssss. The smell of seafood/ocean always makes me fucking drool.

What’s your favorite brand of chips? Pringles, or this local brand of salted egg chips that I love to get.

Have you ever written a poem and then read it aloud? Yeah, once. We had to write a poem as our homework and my teacher picked out a couple that he thought were the best-written, and one of them was mine even though I still firmly believe I did a shit job.

Do you like pineapple? Oh god no. One of the worse fruits I’ve had.

Does your house have a dishwasher? No. It seems to be just a Western thing.

Do you know anyone who has a flower tattoo? I probably do, but I just can’t give you a lineup of names. Flower tattoos seem to be trendy these days, especially in the line style.

How many different languages can you say goodbye in? So I have goodbye, paalam, 안녕히 가세요, adios, auf wiedersehen, sayonara, au revoir...so that’s 7.

Agree or disagree: You like Adam Sandler movies. Ummmm definitely childish and I can feel that the humor tries so hard sometimes but I do enjoy some of his movies, like 50 First Dates.

Have you ever had to get a tooth pulled? If so, what for? Yeah, I mentioned this on a previous survey.

Have you ever dated anyone while they were in jail? No, I’ve never dated anyone who’s been imprisoned.

If you’ve ever babysat, do you like it? I ‘babysat,’ but technically all eldest Asian daughters are expected to look out for their younger siblings and cousins anyway. I didn’t actively enjoy it, but sure, it was fun playing with them and it’s always nice to be viewed as responsible.

What is your favorite flavor on sunflower seeds? I don’t eat sunflower seeds. I don’t dislike them, I just really never seek them out.

Do you get cold easily? Yes.

Do you get a lot of spiders in your house? Hmm no. If we do get visited they are almost always too small to be seen.

Do you admire nature? Yeah, I try to be around it as often as I can.

Name one naughty thing you’ve done. Had sex while a few people were in the same room. I pay for it now hahaha; those friends who had the misfortune to be in that situation have never let me live it down and it’s one of their go-to stories when I’m being introduced to new friends.

Name two of your favorite things as a child. I loved everything Bratz. I also liked Play-Doh.

Do you own a Pillow Pet? No, I’ve never even heard of that.

Do you tend to solve problems with violence? Never.

Have either of your parents gone to jail? Nope.

Do you know a hoarder? I heard my grandma had been one, but I didn’t see traces of it when I used to visit her. I guess she had been when she was younger and stronger. I show traces of hoarding too, but I don’t think it’s at a concerning level; I literally just threw out a bunch of shit in my room I’ve hoarded over the last five or so years.

Do you wax, pluck, or leave your eyebrows? I don’t touch them; I’m never all that worried about my appearance. On very rare instances, I will shave some of the excess hair off. Do you have any interesting scar stories? None of them are interesting tbh, just results of my own stupidity.

Do you hate the texture of meatballs? I don’t hate their texture but I also just don’t enjoy meatballs in general. I find them boring, which has always led me to think if they’re really supposed to be just boring clumps of meat or if I’ve just always been served average meatballs.

Do you get migraines? Yes, I usually get one after work. They’ve decreased in frequency now but one will drop by every now and then to give me a shit time.

Do you like guns? No.

Are turtles amazing creatures? All animals are. :') < Yes! Except cockroaches.

How much time do you spend taking surveys? I dedicate an hour or so every weekend. I often wish I can allot more time, but I also have other hobbies and interests I would usually want to catch up on during the weekends. 48 hours is just too short :(

Would you rather visit: The Eiffel Tower or Egyptian Pyramids? Pyramids, in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t even need to think about it.

Would you like to work at a candy shop? Uh no. If I had to, it would be on the back-end, maybe in the corporate side of things lol.

Do you have feelings for someone? Nope.

Which one of your guy friends is the best looking? JM.

Do you have anything to say to your ex bf/gf? No.

Which band do you have the most of on your iPod/music player? I don’t use music players anymore but my Spotify always reminds me of how much I listen to BTS whenever they do one of their quirky listening habit reports lol.

Which song describes your mood at the moment? I want to go with RM’s Bicycle just because I’m feeling quite content and relaxed at the moment.

Which movie(s) do you quote the most? Eh, I’m not a big movie quoter.

Which one of your best friend’s friends would you most likely date? I honestly don’t see any of them as date-able.

Would you ever let anybody else drive your car? Sure. I’ve let Hans and Gab drive it countless times when I’ve had too much to drink. It’s a small car and is fairly easy to use and navigate. I would let Anj use it too at some point, but I want her to perfect her u-turns first hahahaha.

Which one of your friends will be the most successful? It’s already one of my friends to begin with but I’m not naming names. They come from a privileged background to begin with and their godfather already handed one of his companies down to them, so. They were also told the CEO position is already a sure slot for them.

What store did you last shop at? I wanna say NCAT, this Korean-themed store that sells trinkets and jewelries and plushies and stuff. They also sell BTS albums so Anj and I dropped by to check out and touch all the albums we can’t afford yet HAHA

Do you think telepathy is real? No.

When did you last draw something for fun? Last Saturday when I played an online drawing/guessing game with my uncles and aunts.

Who makes the most in your entire family? My dad.

Do you like writing essays? I love essays, it’s my favorite writing piece to make.

Do you think plastic surgery is no big deal? It turns into one when it gets obsessive, like when people get excessive plastic surgeries specifically to look like another person. I’m looking at you, fucking Oli London.

Do you take your trash to the dump or have it picked up? It’s picked up.

When you sneeze do you sneeze into your shirt or your hands? I look away and just sneeze. Sometimes I’ll put up my elbow.

Do you usually have sex in the morning, noon or night time? Erm, I usually had it at night. I only had morning sex when we would spend the night; and I nearly never had noon sex.

Did you ever fail your learners/drivers test? No.

Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? Gun to my head, Lil Wayne.

Name someone you’ve become a lot closer to recently: Reena!!! I’m so grateful Angela introduced us to each other :) We both tend to get shy so we don’t actually actively get chatty when we see each other irl, but I love her presence and I love that she is my friend. I make up for it by being super friendly and wacky in our group chat haha. Does your car have a sunroof? No. We used to have a car that did, but we had to sell that during the peak of the pandemic.

Are you closer to your mom or your dad? Dad.

Have you ever had a friend with benefits? No.

Who’s the last person you cuddled with? My ex.

Are you friends with any of your teachers on Facebook? Yeup.

#survey #surveys

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thepurewillreign · 3 years

Text

TW!

I'm so tired. I'm really really tired. I thought I'm okay. I really thought. I'm dead inside. I just wanna die rn. I have so many plans in life but it feels like... It feels like my life doesn't want the same for me.

This is all because of my parents. I blame them for all of this. Because of them I'm so broken. My whole life is broken.

I just wanna be genuinely hapoy in life. I wanna live my life. I don't deserve this kind of life, I deserve better than this. This is so unfair, they should be the one experiencing all this bullsht because they're the one that causes it.

If they did a family planning, I won't end up being like this. My life won't end up being like this.

It's been two decades and they're not doing anything to make our life better. They were so selfish.

This is the reason why I don't wanna have kids in the future. It's a responsibility and I don't wanna be like my parents. I can't even call them parents, it feels so weird because I never felt them being a parent for us.

I don't see the regret in them. They did it again and again. I don't see the realization in them. They're not doing anything that will help us.

I just wanna leave this house. I'd rather not see them in my whole life than seeing them living just the way they want not even thinking that we-their children doesn't have a good life.

I don't really wanna be like them. I swear to God I won't be like them. They made me and ruin me. If I continue my life, I know I will be successful and I won't give them any. I don't care what people say, I don't care if I'm selfish. They made me this. This is all their fault. And they're gonna receive nothing from me. I will never beg for their help.

I'm mad at them. Ever since I'm young, I always try to understand them. But now, I understand it all. They're not a responsible parent.

09-01-21

-it's sept. 11 and obviously I'm still alive, gotta keep goin maybe but still wanna post this so I can have something to look back someday. ok bye gn

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foreverthesickestkidz · 4 years

Text

I’ll put a summary here L8er

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten

warnings: cursing, murder, torture, mentions the words domestic abuse & rape

masterlist | guidelines | lullaby m.list

August was an unusually stressful month for you, given your circumstances. Moving away from home, back to Eclipse University, into your small, lonesome apartment was not all that exciting. Starting your last year of law school wasn’t exciting either. A new year meant two new semesters full of tough courses, a paid internship, and the dreaded Bar exam at the end of it all. Stress was eating at you all summer as you tried to prepare yourself for this last year of schooling before fully entering the real world. The one thing you always looked forward to when coming back to this little college town though, was seeing Bambam.

“Y/n! Long time, no see!” Bambam, your beloved best friend, practically screamed the second he laid eyes on you entering his department store.

You giggled, accepting the bear hug he was pulling you into. “Hey B, I missed you so much!” As you pulled away you noticed him look you up and down and shake his head.

“Damn, girl. Did you get hit by a bus this summer? You look like hell,” he raised an eyebrow. You lightly smacked his shoulder and laughed.

“No! It’s just been really stressful lately. And I literally just moved all my stuff back into my apartment, okay!”

Bambam noticed another customer enter the store then, looking over your shoulder rather than at you.

“I wasn’t too sure if you’d be here actually, B. I was gonna call and make sure before I walked all the way here, but I decided to make it a surprise,” You explained, moving to the side so he could walk past, following close behind.

Bambam never let an opportunity to make a customer glamourous pass, not even for his best friend he hasn’t seen in months.

“Oh yeah, I just got back actually. I hosted a fashion show in Milan last week, but I’ll be here for another month maybe,” He explained as he reached the young lady browsing the racks of his expensive, well designed blouses. He turned away from you to greet her, so you decided to leave him be, and just call after he closed the shop for the day. After giving a small wave to Bambam as you walked out the shop, mouthing a ‘I’ll call around 7’ as to not interrupt the client, you wandered back into the streets of Eclipse. The August sun was strong, and you noted the nice weather as you passed by the other shops and restaurants of Downtown. Bambam’s shop was only about a fifteen minute walk from your apartment, but in the heat, it seemed like ages. So, you decided to stop at a little ice cream parlor before heading all the way back into campus.

Kim’s Ice Cream was practically empty. Upon walking in you noticed two things immediately, the first was that they didn’t serve chocolate ice cream, the second was the only other customer present in the building. He sat in the corner with a half melted milkshake in front of him, watching something intently out the window. So, curiosity got the best of you and after settling for the next best ice cream flavor (second to chocolate), you wandered over to his table.

He seemed to notice you immediately, which wasn’t that abnormal since you were the only other customer there. But, he looked up and cocked his head to the side, almost like a questioning puppy.

Smiling, you greeted him, “Hey, is this seat taken?”

He furrowed his eyebrows, and shook his head. “No, no. Please,” He motioned towards the empty seat across from him, and finally returned the smile.

“I’m Y/n. I just happened to notice you watching something outside,” you nervously laughed, “Curiosity sort of urged me over here to ask what it was.” Upon finishing your sentence, you ate a spoonful of ice cream. He looked up and made complete eye contact with you for the first time. His eyes were full of focus, and deep with thought.

With a lazy grin he licked his lips and answered. “Curiosity killed the cat, you know.”

With a nod and a soft smile you quickly replied “But the cat knew the truth.”

He raised an eyebrow and shook his head with a laugh. “I was watching the birds. I’ve always found them so intriguing,” He glanced outside once again, and looked back with a darker twist in his large pupils. You always noticed the smallest things about people, and the eyes ahead of you were certainly the eyes of someone hurting.

“I’m Mark” he stuck his hand out for you to shake. Calloused fingers and bruised knuckles engulfed your smaller hand.

****

Several hours after the introduction, you found yourself laying in bed wide awake. While finishing unpacking you grew tired, but somehow you can’t seem to fall asleep.

With a frustrated sigh, you reached to the nightstand to pick up your phone and check the time. Seeing 4 unread texts from Bambam, you decided to read and respond, it wasn’t like you were going to get any sleep anyway.

-Sorry you had to leave earlier I had to glam that bitch

-Hey idk if youve seen the news but theres some scary shit happening in eclipse rn, you should be careful ok?

-? y/n

-Y/N!!!

You shook your head and rubbed your eyes. The last text was only sent five minutes ago, maybe Bambam was still awake. You decided to turn the news on before calling him.

“Residents of Eclipse please be extra cautious! Breaking News reports a string of murders throughout the town, focused around Eclipse University’s campus. We’re reminding all citizens to lock your doors, and remain calm. We all need to stick together at this time.”

Your eyes grew wide as you flung the blanket from your form and ran to your front door. Locking the deadbolt, you immediately FaceTimed Bambam.

“Bambam! What the hell is happening?” You almost yelled through the phone.

“Shh shh, calm down. It’s okay, you’re okay,” he comforted you with a soft tone. Bambam always knew when your anxiety flared up, and stayed gentle with you to help you calm down. He stayed on the phone until he knew you were alright.

“Just remember to be careful, y/n.” He whispered after a while, and you finally managed to fall asleep.

Bambam huffed as he hung up the phone. The truth was that he was terrified. He knew he would be alright, he owned a few guns and he was away from Eclipse for weeks at a time anyway. But, he also knew you didn’t live the same life as him. You didn’t own any weapons, you were stuck here, and you trusted far too easily. The murders sent shivers down Bambam’s spine and his head started to ache at the thought of his best friend in danger. Worried hands typed vigorously on his phone as he dialed the phone number of the one person he hated most. He knew that despite his hatred, this person would be the only one close enough to you that Bambam trusted to ensure your safety when he left.

“Bambam? What the fuck do you want? It’s three in the fucking morn-“ Jackson’s voice was husky and rough after being awoken.

“Shut the fuck up and listen.” Bambam was already annoyed with the boy on the other line.

Jackson scoffed and rolled his eyes, despite Bambam not being able to see.

“Have you seen the news?” Bambam ran a hand through his hair and walked out onto the balcony.

“Yeah, if you’re calling to accuse me of any shit I won’t hesitate to block you.” Jackson’s defensive tone was enough to piss Bambam off.

“I’m not accusing you of anything. You might think you’re tough shit but you’re no killer. I’m calling about y/n”

Jackson’s ears perked up at hearing your name.

“Y/n? What about her? Is she okay?” His voice suddenly grew softer.

“She’s fine. But, I’m worried about her. You know how she is, and I’m not sure how I can make sure she’s safe when I leave Eclipse,” Bambam sighed. “That’s why I called. Me, you and Yugyeom don’t get along, but I know you both care for her as much as I do.” A slight breeze caused him to shiver.

Bambam heard rustling on the other end of the line.

Jackson pulled his shirt on and tied his shoelaces.

“When are you leaving?”

Bambam looked out over the silent town, and shook his head to himself.

“Soon,”

Jackson grabbed his keys and reached for the doorknob.

“She’s in good hands, Bambam.”

The line went dead as Bambam leaned his head back, eyes closing.

“She damn well better be. She’s all I’ve got in this world.” He whispered softly to the wind.

Jackson pulled the door of his Corvette open and slipped inside. The curfew didn’t let up for another hour, but he needed to see Yugyeom. His best friend needed to know what Bambam called about, and he wasn’t sure how Yugyeom would react to the prospect of seeing you again. Shifting gears, he sped away in the direction of Downtown.

Yugyeom opted to move to Eclipse permanently after his first semester of law school. His home life wasn’t ideal, and he was happier here than there. His little house on the corner of Main Street and Downtown boulevard was perfect for him. He was in a deep sleep when he awoke to the sound of constant banging on his door. Groaning and reaching for the 9mm pistol in his nightstand, he pushed himself up and rubbed his eyes. He opened the front door to be met with the worried eyes of his best friend.

“Fucking hell, bro. I thought you were a murderer or something!” Yugyeom furrowed his eyebrows as he let Jackson in.

“Funny you mention that…” Jackson rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I just got off the phone with Bambam.”

***

Mark held the printed photograph up next to the sorry male in front of him. The picture matched the guy perfectly, and with a dark chuckle he licked his lips.

“I knew I’d find you.”

The man roughly jerked against the belt that secured him to the chair. Flailing helplessly to try to break away, screaming into the duct tape secured on his mouth.

“Stop trying to break away. Nobody will help you.” Mark cocked his head to the side, grinning at his prey. The man’s muffled screams began again. Mark pulled up a chair and sat in front of him. The only light came from an exposed lightbulb hanging from the ceiling above them. The lighting created a halo above the bloodied man. How ironic.

“I have some questions for you, before I have some fun, so you just nod or shake your head in response. And if you lie, you’re gonna regret it.” He held up a knife in one hand, and a gun in the other.

“This is how this is gonna work, I’m going to ask a question, you will truthfully answer me. If you cooperate, I’ll use this,” he held up the gun, pulling the slide back, “if you don’t cooperate, I’ll use this,” he held the knife up again, skillfully spinning them through his fingers. The man’s eyes widened in fear.

Mark’s eyes gleamed with excitement.

“First question! Have you ever seen this girl?” He held up another printed photo of a smiling young woman. The man vigorously shook his head.

“You fucking LIAR!” Mark screamed the last word. He rolled his eyes and stood from his chair.

“You lied straight away! Nobody ever lies from the first question!” He laughed out, and ripped the duct tape from the man’s mouth.

“Now, count backwards from 100 in sets of 3,” Mark pressed the knife against the bottom of the man’s pinky finger.

“Fucking count!” Mark screamed in his face. He began counting as Mark sawed away at his fingers. Blood dripped down the armrest of the chair and onto the rotting carpet. Mark was in euphoria. The red color was glittering under the harsh lighting and the smell made his grin a little wider.

Many hours into Mark’s fun he grew bored and decided it was time for judgement. The man was on the very brink of passing out anyway, and the smell of blood started to give Mark a headache.

“Alright, man. I’m done.” Mark huffed out. The man looked almost relieved. ”I hereby render you guilty of domestic abuse, and the rape of Yang Jimin. I sentence you to death.” Mark smirked at the man’s appearance, and inability to speak after having his tongue ripped out. He untied the man and laid him out on the floor. He began softly singing, “Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed,” he pulled the gun from his pocket and pressed the barrel to the man’s forehead. “Lullaby and goodnight, thy mother's delight, bright angels beside my darling abide,” He pulled the trigger, blood splattering over his face and clothes. Humming the song again, he brought the knife to the dead man’s stomach. After etching the word “goodnight” in scratchy rough lettering, Mark shook his head.

“Justice is served,” he chuckled and pulled matches from his pocket. Picking up the gasoline in the corner, he walked around the tiny raggedy house, lighting his cigarette with a match before pitching it behind him, walking away and disappearing into the night.

***

Morning light drifted through your blinds when your alarm rang. You blinked your eyes open and yawned before turning the annoying noise off. Stretching, you got up and got ready for the day. You only had one class, but after you had to report to your first day of interning with Eclipse’s best attorney, Lee Kwang, who also happened to be your professor. Upon walking to your car, you never expected to see the familiar black Jeep parked next to your little blue Corolla.

“Kim Yugyeom. It’s been a while,” you smiled halfheartedly to the owner of said Jeep.

“We need to talk.” He seemed on edge, but you figured it was because the last night you spoke in person was a night everyone involved wished to forget.

You unlocked your car and opened the back door, dropping your backpack in the seat. “There’s not much to talk about.” You looked anywhere but at him.

“I talked to Bambam last night,” he leaned his back against the door, arms crossed.

The realization hit you a second later.

“No. Absolutely not. I don’t need anyone’s protection. I’m a grown woman.” You seethed at the thought that these boys saw you as someone so weak.

“It’s not about that, y/n. We just care about you,” he tried to reason with you.

“Who cares about me? Because you and Jackson are the last people who act like they care about me.” You shook your head to stop tears from falling. Slipping into your car, you pulled away from the parking lot.

***

Mark’s eyes met yours the second you walked into the law firm. He waved and smiled as you walked towards him.

“Hey! I never thought I’d see you here!” You beamed at the boy you met yesterday.

“Yeah, small world. I was just on my way out, but before I go, I just, I forgot to ask back at the ice cream shop,” he blushed a little and scratched the back of his head. “Can I maybe, get your number?”

Your face flushed red, yet you smiled widely.

“Yeah! Of course!” You reached for a pen and scribbled numbers onto a sticky note.

“Thanks, I’ll call you later!” He smiled as he walked away.

You took a deep breath and knocked on Professor Lee’s door, not noticing the way Mark looked back at you as he left the building.

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edwardsvirginity · 4 years

Text

And now... I introduce my best friend to Eclipse!

--0000000--

[riley’s first appearance]

Friend: who's that

mike?

(the rest of the commentary for the movie is under the readmore!)

--0000000--

[bella reciting the opening monologue: some say the world will end in fire…]

Friend: wow…drama queen

--0000000--

[Edward and bella in the meadow]

Friend: is this real or is this more of her crazy headspace

--0000000--

Edward: marry me

Bella: I have an English final

Friend: wow……. Rude

--0000000--

[Charlie grounding bella]

Friend: charlie…. is the only sane character tbh lmfao

he knows an abusive relationship when he sees one

--0000000--

[Edward sabatoges bella’s truck]

Friend: Y I K E S

A B U S I V E

this is not romantic lol

--0000000--

Renee: I just want to make sure ur making the right choices for you

Friend: she's NOT

--0000000--

[renee gives bella the quilt from all their trips]

Friend: awwww

except she's selling out her fam for bloodsuckers

--0000000--

[all the cullens wait for Victoria in the forest]

Friend: is it whatshername

the redheaded bitch

--0000000--

Friend: i'm just gonna say….alice and carlisle are the only valid vampires

Me: whyso?

Friend: idk anything about jasper and emmett, edward is weird, who else even is there

--0000000--

Me: [pauses movie because a spider has appeared by my head and I’m freaking out]

[it lands on my laptop and I scream and close it]

Ok… we can resume

Friend: what happened?

Me: [explains]

Him: ? ? ? why didn't you kill it?!

Me: killing it requires getting close enough to touch it, and that's Too Close

i don't kill spiders

anyway

Him: what?!? lmfao

you don't kill spiders

Me: killing them is too scary

Him: i'd rather kill it and know it's dead than wonder where it is

wow

me: i just scream until someone else comes to do it for me

him: that's a lot to take in

--0000000--

[jake confronting Edward about being on their territory]

Edward: I was trying to protect u by not telling u abt Victoria

Friend: mmmm yikes

bella just needs to move tf back to florida

this is….Too Much

--0000000--

[bella goes to lapush]

Friend: tbh i like his pack

--0000000--

Leah: if ur here to torture jake some more u can leave

Friend: oooooh

burn

--0000000--

[movie introduces imprinting]

Friend: tbh i think that whole concept is insane™ and i dont get it

bc it like absolves you of your own…actions

& removes the other person's choice

it's really fucking creepy

--0000000--

Friend: also it would be soooo weird to be able to read people's thoughts

Me: i know it would freak me out

i would hate being able to hear everything my packmates thought

Friend: i don't need anyone else to know how horny i am

--0000000--

[Jacob arguing with bella about the cullens]

Jacob: theyre not even alive

Friend: "they're not even alive" y i k e s

--0000000--

[riley creeping in bella’s house]

Friend: man i'd be sleepin with a shotgun lmfao

& like 12 dogs

--0000000--

[Edward yelling at bella abt bella disappearing with jake]

Me: he’s so overprotective

Friend: she needs it tho

Me: because she's such a danger magnet?

Friend: um….yeah

& she is a fucking damsel in distress

she has no power of her own :((

--0000000--

Friend: he's so…ugly

me: Edward?

Friend: yeah ……….

--0000000--

[Jake appears shirtless]

Edward: doesn’t he own a shirt

Friend: “doesn't he own a shirt"

LMFAO edward voicing my thoughts

--0000000--

[Edward kissing bella before passing her off to jake, who immediately hugs her]

Friend: the way they …. fight with each other by using her body :|

--0000000--

Friend: what do native americans think of this?

Me: [explains]

Friend: so what is the redeeming quality of these movies exactly lmfao

Me: they’re… fun?

Friend: i guess

like indiana jones

racist trash, but fun(?)

--0000000--

Me: I hate his sideburns in this movie

Friend: don't think they're that bad

his whole face tho is not great

especially pale af

--0000000--

[nonconsensual kiss scene]

Jake: ill fight until ur heart stops beating

Bella: u wont have to wait for long

Friend: YIKES

--0000000--

[Edward and Jake fighting post-punch]

Jake: she’s not sure what she wants

Friend: Y I K E S

--0000000--

[Carlisle bandaging bella]

Friend: carlisle is so hot

i wanna marry dr. carlisle

the way he medicines everyone up…

wow

[..]

edward is useless

seduce Carlisle

[..]

edward's been alive 100 years and hasn't become a doctor??? c'mon

--0000000--

[Rosalie killing her rapists]

Friend: LM FAO

love that

W O W

that's a more interesting story than bella's LMFAO

--0000000--

[Rosalie trying to convince bella to stay human]

Rose: there’s one thing you’ll want more than Edward… one thing you’ll kill for… blood

Friend: ohhh….

SHE REAL

--0000000--

Friend: & also bella's assumption that Edward is That Great

she's 18….. she hasn't even TRIED college boys

[..]

has she even had sex with anyone, ever?

--0000000--

Friend: Evil Dakota Fanning is ….. scary af

--0000000--

Friend: i'll say what i want about stephanie meyer being a fucked up mormon…. but her music taste is p good

Me: she didn’t do the soundtracks

Friend: ummm…i remember stephanie meyer specifically thanking Muse in her books

in the "acknolwedgements" section

or did you, the twilight princess, not read that part

--0000000--

[graduation party]

Friend: I feel like there should be a twilight spoof..

where a high school girl has to choose between dating a furry and a goth

bc that's what this feels like to me

--0000000--

Friend: he freaks me out

the beefy one

--0000000--

[training scene]

Friend: jasper's kinda sexy too

well, everyone looks good next to robert :|

--0000000--

[jasper’s backstory]

Friend: jasper was a confederate soldier?!?!??!

what?? lmfao

confederate vampires? thanks i hate it

--0000000--

Friend: didn't he have like a life and morals before becoming a vampire or

i mean i guess he's a confederate so maybe not but

--0000000--

[jasper’s backstory]

Friend: he just listens to her lmfao

his Evil Mexican Bruja

--0000000--

[about Victoria]

Friend: she should just make someone sexy a vampire and fuck them tho

she has the power here

--0000000--

[about Jacob]

Friend: is there a REASON he never wears a shirt?

--0000000--

[Jake trying to convince bella she has feelings for him]

Jake: you can love more than one person… like sam, Emily, and leah

Friend: thruple!

that's the only resolution here

jacob & edward need to fuck each other and get over it

there's too much tension between them

--0000000--

Alice: you and Edward will have the house to yourself tonight

Friend: oooooo

Alice: you’re welcome

Friend: LMFAO

alice is a bro

--0000000--

Bella [immediately after the scene with Alice]: hey dad, I was wondering

Friend: hey dad… i was wondering. do you have any condoms

--0000000--

Bella: dad I’m a virgin

Friend: not for long….

--0000000--

Friend: but like honestly it's all so deeply unclear to me

he has like no blood, right?

HOW does he get hard

Me: he’s always hard

Friend: i don't think that's how that works

--0000000--

[Edward and bella in edward’s room]

Bella: I wanna ask u something

Friend: "can we fuck"

--0000000--

Friend: i feel like "becoming a vampire" is just a metaphor for "losing virginity"

--0000000--

[Bella tried to jump Edward]

Edward: bella…no

Friend: ???????????

they already kiss and stuff?????????

Me: yeah

i think he's worried he'd like. fuck her to death

idk… her vulva is delicate i guess

Friend: they could do some Other Stuff

Me: yeah i know

edward is just…. too old school to understand anything but piv

Friend: fuck her to death…with his flaccid vampire dick

[..]

this is so………Weird

?????????? sex is not a sin

--0000000--

[Edward talking abt how he would have courted bella in 1918]

Friend: ???????????? i dont believe that at all

people fucked in the 1800s

edward is a fucking weirdo

[Edward starts his grand speech]

Friend: Ew

this is…. a Lot

tbh it's Not Sexy that he can't adapt to a more feminist era

[Edward proposes]

Friend: this is…… a Lot

he Keeps Asking

[bella accepts]

Friend: she's only saying yes because she's horny!!!!

--0000000--

Friend: also….tbh it's sad that these vampires have to deny their instincts and have no control over themselves

like ….maybe they should just be euthanized

Me: :O

Friend: is it fair to deny them their nature???

we don't force tigers to be vegetarians

what is the difference

Me: because… they're sentient and intellectual and can decide for themselves not to eat humans

Friend: i'm not sure i buy that

Me: you think they're not smart enough to make their own decision not to eat humans?

Friend: it seems like they have to be rehabilitated to deny a very natural instinct that they have no control over

are the cullens themselves a metaphor for mormonism?

Me: yeah but carlisle CHOSE a vegetarial lifestyle… no one forced it on him

Friend: i guess

but at what cost

lmao

--0000000--

[tent scene]

Jacob: I am hotter than u

Friend: LMFAO

--0000000--

Friend: why didn't they bring more blankets?????

how fucking cold is it

Dumbasses

--0000000--

[Edward and jake arguing over bella]

Friend: idk bella….

i'd rather fuck a hot wolf than a freezing rock hard PussyDestroying Vampire

those wolves are HUGE…. huge dicks im sure

--0000000--

[Edward talking about how he doesn’t want bella to be a vamp to jake]

Friend: i feel like they're Bonding

over their inability to control this woman lmfao

--0000000--

[jake and Edward fighting over bella]

Friend: bella is not that interesting? ? ? ?

--0000000--

Edward: if you weren’t trying to steal bella I might actually like u

Friend: wow

THIS is where they should fuck

t h r u p l e

look deep into each other's eyes

--0000000--

Friend: she'd warm up if they were having sex

--0000000--

[post tent scene]

Friend: she's not even wearing a hat rn

bella…what the fuck

--0000000--

[Edward and bella talking about being engaged, jake overhears]

Bella: it’s the 21st century

Friend: yeah, it is the 21st century…. marry them both

--0000000--

[bella asks jake to kiss her]

Friend: what the FUCK is happening

--0000000--

[bella and jake making out]

Friend: she's not even wearing anything warm

--0000000--

[battle]

Friend: carlisle…. kung fu master

Me: renaissance man

Friend: only breaks the hippocratic oath when absolutely necessary

--0000000--

[confrontation with riley and Victoria, Edward trying to convince riley to turn on Victoria]

Edward: think about it riley.. .you’re from forks… you know the area

Friend: "you're from forks… who would want that"

--0000000--

[Carlisle healing jake]

Friend: god…..my sexy, classy dad

… so smart….. so kind

--0000000--

Bella: I’m not normal

Friend: bella….you are SO normal

the reason every middle school girl read these books and thought they were like bella is bc you are just THAT normal

--0000000--

Edward: I guess we should start planning the wedding

Bella: no… something more difficult first… more dangerous

Friend: is she still talking about her virginity

#best friend movie night #eclipse #twilight #twilight renaissance #twilight saga #tts #the twilight saga #twilight revival #twilight in 2020 #twilightenment #twilight: eclipse #let me know what you guys think of this format as opposed to the endless reblogging

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skullsnsunbeams · 4 years

Text

Please enjoy part 2 my commentary of Outer Banks (you can find part 1 here)! Disclaimer: I started this show because I wanted to see all the hype was; I won't lie, I thought it was dumb and cliche throughout most of it. However, since I've finished I can safely say that I NEED A SECOND SEASON BC HOLY FUCK BRO. Don't come at me for MY OPINIONS, & also, most of what I say is in the spur of the moment. If you wanna come talk to me about the show I will GLADLY DO SO.

Ep. 6

• I don't trust Ward, jot that down

• John B is gonna be blinded

• FUCK OFF WARD YOU'RE NOT SLICK

• I WANNA GO AAAAWWWWF

• But now John B is actually on the property so that might be beneficial?

• Lana said fuck the feds and I did too

• BARRY BETTER BEAT RAFE'S ASS

• It's what he deserves :)

• THE CURTAIN JUST MOVED AND KIE SAW IT

• FUCK YEAH KIE SLAP HIS ASS

• Did he just

• He just slapped her back

• MOSQUITOS MEAN WATER

• YUPPPP THERE WE GO POPE KNOWS

• This is deadass the goonies

• "You love the idea of me" YESSSSS SARAH

• YES WARD CHOKE HIS BITCHASS OUT

• "WHERE'S THE BEACH!?"

• It's actually not okay but okay

• Yes he DID say that

• Desgusten

• RAFE IS GONNA STEAL MONEY FROM HIS DAD AND JOHN B IS GONNA BE BLAMED

• AHAHAHAHAH CAUGHT EM

• I love Pope sm

• Adina is that bitch, man

• Barry's gonna get his ass beat by Ward

• I knew it

• THERE'S WARD'S SHORT FUSE

• RAFE YOUR DADDY IS A PSYCHO

• KARMA, BABY, KARMA

• They're gonna trap Sarah and Kie on the boat?

• That's a got damn STING

• Why are they holding the blunt like a cigarette?

• What a shitty fucking person you are, Sarah. That's fucked up.

• SHE CALLED THE COPS I'M CACKLING

• They're gonna get caught by the scary lady

• "Weed? I could go for some weed" same, JJ

• JJ and Pope being assholes about John B and Sarah is my aesthetic

• NO NO NO WHY HER EYES LOOK LIKE THAT

• She's blind, duh

• Gross gross gross

• He's gonna catch something

• Wait does Corona virus exist in the OBX universe?

• "Any dead bodies?" Does the jaw bone he found count?

• That's shit he's covered in shit THAT'S GOLD THAT'S FUCKING GOLD

• JANIE'S GOT A GUN

• This is so cute but I know it's gonna blow up in their faces

Ep. 7

• I hate Ward he's such a sneaky bastard

• He's gonna take him out to sea and MURDER HIM

• or at least, like, warn him

• HE'S SUCH A GOOD LIAR

• Our boy Barry, he's gonna stir some shit up

• I knew it, pretending to be a cop tho?

• John B is B'ing dumb again

• Maybe not

• JJ NOOO

• CRAIN ESTATE IS FOR SALE

• AND WARD IS GONNA BUY IT

• JJ just wants his dad's approval

• THAT'S FOR HIS RESTITUTION

• How did ik this was gonna happen

• I hate his dad

• ahhhhh I WANNA HUG HIIIIIM

• Sarah do be bailin

• She said FUCK VULNERABILITY and to that I say SAME

• Those candles are gonna cause a fire. Old church? The Outsiders vibes

• Did they not just say they were gonna wait? And then immediately fuck? Okay.

• He spent his restitution money. He did exactly what he fought his dad about.

• He needs a hug so bad

• Thank you for hugging him Kie

• GUESS WHO'S CRYING

• ME IT'S ME

• Mr. Cameron, sir, you are operating a motor vehicle whilst drinking. You're providing a minor with alcohol. You should not be the Grand Knight of Rhododendron!!!

• Ward is an eavesdropping little shitfuck

• Blah blah blah all I'm hearing is a rich man trying to get the gold

• "Equitable split" sir you Didn't Find The Gold therefore You Do Not Get A Cut

• FINALLY JOHN B IS BEING SMART

• WARD JUST SNITCHED ON HIMSELF

• WARD KNOWS ABOUT THE DISAPPEARANCE

• Well, son, the sheriff already kinda knows

• What's he gonna do

• THE GAFFING HOOK

Ep. 8

• Ward is literally psycho so that's fun

• WHAT IS THIS SHOW

• HE STOPPED THE HOOK WITH HIS CAST I'M DEEEAAAD

• This turned into Parasite all of a sudden

• And this right here, folks, is called anxiety

• I love GTA

• Ward is actually psychotic

• "Ward you just got involved" just like his daughter did

• Fuck HE KILLED HIM FUCK YOU WARD

• AND HE DIDN'T CALL ANYONE WHAT A CUUUUNT I'M SO MAD

• BIG JOHN IS A LEGEND

• Ow my heart 🥺

• Ward is a big fat liar!!!!!!

• Oh my god JOHN B GONE CRAZY

• Sarah really switched up like that, huh? Shady bitch

• Where's DCS throughout all of this?

• He's doin a lil memorial I'M SAAAAD

• Pope deserves better!!!

• The gold is gone, just watch

• YUP I KNEW IT

• FUCK YOU WARD

• I feel so bad for Pope's dad bc he's had to work hard too, man

• Going to the Bahamas?????????

• Fuck Rafe

• BLAH BLAH BLAH NO ONE LIKES YOUUUU

• Pope whhhyyyy are you telling these PEOPLE ABOUT THE GOLD

• Oh shiiiit Susan knows about OTHER dirty cops

• I hope the plane crashes :)

• WARD IS A PIECE OF SHIIIIIIT

• SUE YEEEES

• John B's nod should not have been sexy

• RAFE YOU SONOFABITCH

• LIKE FATHER LIKE SON!!!!!!!

Ep. 9

• WARD. IS. A. PSYCHO.

• HOW IRONIC THAT RAFE'S TRUCK HAS A BLUE LIVES MATTER FLAG ON THE BACK WINDOW RHSJDJDBDNDH

• Pope is finally letting it out and I'M SO GLAD FOR HIM

• I shouldn't be laughing about Shoupe complaining about the regulator

• Ward really is a psycho

• FUCK THE POLICE

• All teenagers want is their parents' approval and that makes me saaaaaad

• Why do I wanna hug Rafe rn

• HE'S LIKE, NEVER GOTTEN A HUG IN HIS LIFE BEFORE???????

• OW MY HEART

• When the main character becomes a fugitive with a bounty 🥰

• Sarah isn't gonna do shiiiiit

• "What's gonna happen to Rafe?" Nothing. Because he's a rich white boy who can get away with anything bc of his daddy's money and power.

• They better not do a cliff hanger and make us wait til next season

• Rafe is delusional

• "He's a maniac" Pot, meet kettle

• Whose house is this?

• How are you gonna tell him to get out of your house and then chase him when he's trying to leave

• Pope high is amazing

• AW MY BABY

• He deserves the world and more

• NO PLEASE DON'T CRRRRYYYYY

• Topper is gonna let John B go, isn't he?

• He really locked his daughter in her room like Rapunzel

• "Hey Top, hey man, it's John B, hey" HE'S SUCH A LOSER LMAOOOO

• "My bad" My bad!?!??

• They're arguing over what word to use

• This is kinda gay ngl

• THIS FAKE CRYING EJDBEUSHEH SARAH

• Wheezie better not fuck this up bro or I s2g

• TOPPER DEF LET JOHN B OUT I WILL HOLLER

• I think Rafe is gonna get shot

• I hate this

• THE VEEEEENT

• I love rooting for a criminal

• SNITCHES GETS STITCHES, BITCHES

• Topper is gonna switch up on the Kooks and actually help out I bet

• RAFE NEEDS TO BE INSTITUTIONALIZED EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

• TOPPER IS WEARING THE HOODIE

• THAT'S HOW HE PROVED HIS LOVE FOR HERRR

Ep. 10

• Aw John B

• Pope said FUCK FEELINGS

• Tf is SBI

• State bureau of investigation, got it

• NO, WARD NEEDS TO BEAR RESPONSIBILITY BC IT IS. HIS. FAULT.

• "Idk how to fix it" kill yourself, easy

• Sell? You mean lie. Rich people logic amirite??

• RAFE HAS VOICES IN HIS HEAD HE'S GONE OFF THE DEEP END

• The officer better know the truth

• WARD IS A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR

• The SBI agent sees right through Ward

• I hate this bastard

• FUCK YEAH

• Rafe is TWEAKIN

• Barry to the rescue?

• "I done worse, I was in the army" LMAOOOO

• Nvm Barry is still trash

• TRASH STICKS WITH TRASH

• They're GONE occifer

• AND THE THUNDER ROOLLLLS

• My heart is hurting so bad rn

• Is he gonna give himself up rn?

• I hate when JJ cries

• AHHHHHHHH HIS EYES OPENED AND I GOT SCARED

• OW MY FUCKIN HEART

• Shoupe is a pussy ass bitch too

• Pause, smoke break

• Lessgo

• He's gonna wait for the keys to be close to the car

• CALLED IT

• That was *chef's kiss*

• This is not good

• YEEEEES POPE

• NOOOOOO POPE

• VENGEANCE

• Holy shit

• Okay I'm gonna say it

• This GOT GOOD

• NO MORE CLICHES

• Holy fuuuuck

• If we get a second season, I wanna see Rafe destroyed

• Woah okay

• JJ is third wheel

• This is crazy

• STOP WASTING TIME

• This is all funny bc these kids are 16 and they think they're in love

• I GASPED OMG

• What did this turn into

• There's a cliche!!!

• Holy fuckitnenehehe

• Fuck you Ward

• He's gonna do it

• Ewwww "I'd rather die than be without you"

• What in the ever living hell

• Fuck fuck fuck

• And JJ is left alone

• OH MY GOD IM CRYING

• Holy. Fucking. Shit.

#emily rambles #emily watches #outer banks #outer banks netflix #netflix outer banks #obx #outer banks spoilers #obx spoilers #netflix original #netflix orignal series #outer banks liveblog #obx liveblog #sorta

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awful-roffle-archive · 3 years

Text

Meteors dot txt

A/N: this definitely got to a point i just took the characters and setting and did my own story with it but uh. its fine. no idea if i’ll ever come back to this but?? im running out of writing spoons rn so! you get this as is with its really choppy ending :^) nothing’s been proof read by someone else but i tried my best so uh. enjoy lmao

word count: 3,420

"Today's broadcast reports there will be a meteor shower raining over Pelican Town this evening! Make sure to take an umbrella with you! Hehe." The meteorologist quips before the broadcast goes back to the news about the latest about the Gotoro Empire. Rayzan sighs and shuts the TV off, sipping at his coffee.

"What's so important about some damn meteor shower? It's... what, space rocks? Big whoop." He mutters to himself, shoving a rather... strange (to put it lightly) tasting cheese cauliflower into his mouth. It's what he gets from buying food from Joja - hopefully he wouldn't start glowing or something as a side effect. With a grunt he pushes himself off of the floor, throwing the plastic container to the side. He'd clean it up later. Probably.

He jumps as there's a rapping on the janky screen door, and he instinctively grabs his gun from behind a potted plant. Pulling the door open, he aims it directly between the other's eyes.

"What the fuck do you want." His tone is harsh and cold, and he never breaks eye contact with her.

"Oh!" Maru stumbles backwards on the porch, holding her hands up. "I'm sorry! I just- uh-" She falters over her words, clearly taken aback.

"Spit it out."

"Can you put down the gun? Please?" Maru chooses her words carefully, keeping her hands in the air.

"I thought I made it perfectly fucking clear I didn't want anyone bothering me." He moves the gun downward, but his gaze still seems to burn through her.

"Well, yes, but..."

"But you wanted to anyways, right? You decided your high-fucking-horse is more important than my privacy."

There's a long pause before Maru says anything. She just stands there, gawking at him. "I just wanted to tell you about the meteor shower tonight. Everyone's going to be gathered at the beach, if you wanted to come." She speaks simply before turning around and stepping off the porch. "Yeah. I'm aware." He slams the door, the screens rattling as he locks it. "Yoba damn everyone in this fucking town." He grumbles and hides the gun once more.

Grabbing whatever clothes he could find from his dresser, he stares at himself in the mirror. So much for keeping up appearances, huh? He takes a deep breath and runs some hair gel through his hair, a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. He gags and spits into a bucket of lake water. His plumbing hadn't worked for, well, what felt like months now and he wasn't about to go ask Mrs. 'Oh how are you? Where are you from? How is the farm? Do you have any family?' Robin for help any time soon.

Pulling a shirt over his head he makes his way outside, staring at his rather sad attempt at a garden. He was supposed to be a farmer and he couldn't even keep a few peppers alive, let alone an entire farm's worth. Deciding to water the crops, despite them being... well, very dead, he tosses his farming tools aside and heads into town.

---

The walk always felt long and tedious. He had looked into getting a car before, but the walk to even GET to a dealership was way out of the question, and with the only bus in town out of commission, he was pretty much stuck in town and on foot. The sun beat down on him endlessly, almost taunting him for daring to move during the summer.

As soon as he reaches town he instantly heads for Joja. The saloon wouldn't be open for another few hours, and he sure as hell wasn't going to sit in Pierre's and listen to his badgering about how the farm was doing. Instantly being hit with the a/c of Jojamart he takes a deep breath, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Quite the walk, isn't it? You should take a sip of the latest JojaCola flavor! NuBerry - a delicious combination of raspberry and cranberry thrown together by our team of talented scientists! Joja is not liable for any injuries or side effects that may occur while drinking NuBerry. NuBerry - Fresh and full of smiles!" Morris spews off like a recorded advertisement, making Rayzan roll his eyes. He instead heads back towards the freezers, holding it open and just soaking in the cold as he sinks to the floor.

“Probably shouldn't stand there with it open like that.” A voice comes up from behind him, leaning over his shoulder.

“You and I both know you don't care about their electric bills.” Rayzan smirks as he looks up to see Shane leaning over him. “Unless you've suddenly had a change of heart?” He puts a hand to his heart, leaning back.

“Nah. Last I heard there was some freezer monster back there. Snatches up kids that don't know better.” Shane quips and stands up straighter. “Besides, I gotta put these in there.” He motions to a palette of frozen pizza boxes.

“Mind if I nab one of those to go?”

“Hey, if you can get it past Morris be my guest.” Shane pauses, “But if you get caught I didn't see shit.” He grins before going back to restocking the freezer.

“You underestimate me greatly.” Rayzan snatches a box off of the pile, waiting until Morris was busy doing who-knows-what until stealthily stepping out the door with it.

“Oi, watch it kid.” Pam exclaims as Rayzan runs directly into her, almost dropping his box.

“Whatever.” Rayzan grumbles and rushes past her, wondering where the hell he could keep this for the time being. There was no way he was walking all the way back home for just this. Looking around he exhales before checking his watch. 10:04 am. Fuck. What was he supposed to do for at least another two hours before the saloon opened?

He could go to the mines... but that didn't solve his pizza dilemma. He groans before staring down at the river. Maybe... No, that would make it soggy. Shit. He settles on hiding it behind a rock in the shade – at least it would stay cool there. Wiping his hands off he heads past Pierre's, only to get stopped on his way.

“Hey, Rayzan! How is the farm coming along? You know, if you need anything we-”

“Yeah, yeah. You sell seeds and shit. I'm thoroughly aware. It's the only fucking shit you sell.” Rayzan interrupts her, turning back around with his arms crossed.

“Well... Pierre and I have discussed expanding our stock recently. If you have anything you'd like to see feel free to let us know!” Caroline smiles, holding up a small basket of tomatoes. “These are freshly grown from our garden, they're rather fresh, too. We were thinking about selling these, would you like to try one?”

“...I'll pass.” Rayzan rolls his eyes, continuing up the path.

“Oh, well, I'll see you later at the meteor shower then!”

“Doubt it.” He picks up his pace, running up towards the mountains. The air always feels crisper up here, fresher. He takes a moment to breathe as he reaches Robin's house, then immediately ducks by it. There was no way he was sticking around for more pleasant conversations with the townsfolk. ESPECIALLY Robin.

---

As he ducks into the mine, Marlon looks over at him and just laughs. “What, are you planning on starting an earth quake and almost killing yourself again? Didn't have enough last time?”

“Shut up. I didn't even bring my gun this time.”

“You didn't bring your sword, either. Or a pickaxe... What exactly are you planning on doing down there?” Marlon points out, nodding towards him. “May be half-blind but even I can see that's not a good idea.”

Rayzan takes a moment to look over himself, realizing he didn't actually bring any tools. “...Fuck.” He sighs in exasperation as Marlon laughs at him.

“Get out of here kid. I'm not in the mood to rescue you again.”

“Shut up.” Rayzan repeats himself, leaving the cave with a roll of his eyes. He heads past Linus' tent with a nod of his head, shoving his hands into his pockets before heading up towards the train station. Oh how he wished he could hop on the train and get the hell out of here. Instead he pushes the door open to the spa, heading for the locker room. With any luck no one else would be there.

Unfortunately, this wasn't his lucky day. Alex sits up from the weight bench as he waves at him.

“Hey man, didn't think I'd see you up here again.” Alex grins. “That offer to spot you is still open. You know, so you don't drop your weight on your foot again. How's that doing, by the way?”

“It's fine.” Rayzan says simply, yanking at his locker door.

“You gotta pull it up first.” Alex speaks up after a few moments of Rayzan fighting with the locker.

“...I knew that.” Rayzan responds, moving the handle up before pulling it open properly.

“Oh! Uh, are you going to that... that shower tonight? Haley's dragging me along. Don't know, might be pretty cool.”

“Wasn't really planning on it. Everyone keeps asking me about it.” He grumbles and grabs a towel, heading for the showers.

“Well, it's just, basically everyone in town goes to these things. It's kind of a big deal, these festivals and all.”

“Yeah, I got that. Now, do you mind? I'm sweaty and I'm not going to wash myself off at home with lake water.”

“You don't have a shower?”

“No.”

“Why don't you-”

“I'm not asking anyone to fix my shit.” With that, Rayzan pulls the curtain to the shower shut and tosses his things down. What's with everyone in this town being so damn talkative?

---

He spends the next several hours in the pool, ignoring Penny and Alex talking about who knows what. His day is rather quiet after that, deciding to head to his usual place in the saloon – where, yes, he does get Gus to put his pizza in the freezer for him for the time being. He ends up falling asleep in one of the booths, nursing his glass of beer. He's only awaken by Shane poking him in the side.

“Wha-? Ah... Mm..” Rayzan murmurs, stretching his arms out. “Thought you'd have more courtesy than to wake a sleeping man.” He grumbles drowsily.

“Didn't want to, but otherwise it'd be Gus and I figured you didn't want that. He's locking up here to go see the meteor shower thing. Jas wanted me to go with her.” He doesn't sound very enthused about it either. “Want to go keep me company?”

“Ugh.”

“Yeah. I know.” He frowns, but steps aside as Rayzan gets up.

“Guess so.” He sighs, then looks over at Gus by the door. “Can I get my pizza after? So I'm not holding it the whole time?”

“Of course! I'll leave the door unlocked for ya.” Gus beams before heading outside, Shane and Rayzan soon following after.

“So did Morris say anything about the missing stock?” Rayzan glances over, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Hah, no not really. Don't think he even noticed you leaving. Lillian didn't either, or at least she didn't mention it.” Shane ponders as they walk the rest of the way in silence.

---

They pick a spot that's far enough away from everyone else to not be bothered, but close enough that Jas wouldn't complain to Marnie that Shane didn't show up.

“You ever seen one of these things?” Rayzan speaks up after awhile, looking up at Shane.

“Nah, I'm not really... into space stuff. There's enough to worry about on this planet, you know? Never mind worrying about whatever the hell aliens out there are getting up to.”

“Agreed.” Rayzan nods, pushing his hair up out of his face before staring up at the sky as the meteors begin raining by. Everyone is quiet other than the “oohs” and “ahhs” and other noises spoken in awe of the event. As Rayzan looks around he sees people making various wishes, Robin and Demetrius kissing, and Vincent and Jas playing astronauts off to the side. A faint smile grows on his face as he leans back, letting the sand seep between his fingers. This was nice, despite his many protests against it.

Eventually, the shower ended and the crowd started dying down as everyone went home. Shane said his goodbyes as he carried a very sleepy Jas off, and Rayzan was left alone. Rayzan sat there for a few more minutes listening to the ocean. Everything was peaceful, until a loud crash roars through the beach. The sound shakes through the town, and Rayzan jumps from his spot.

“The f-?” He suddenly wishes he had literally any weapon on him. He hesitantly makes his way over to the right hand side of the beach, staring at the smoldering pit among what used to be small tide pools. “Uh.” He mutters to himself, looking back towards Elliott's hut. No reaction. Was he already asleep? How did he NOT hear that? He shakes his head and grabs a stray stick from by the trees, poking at the object in the middle of the pit with it.

“Uh...” Rayzan repeats to himself, looking down at his hands. If he did end up burning himself Harvey wasn't asleep just yet, right? He'd probably be fine. He cautiously picks up the object, finding it to be - surprisingly - not as hot as he thought. It was fairly large, having to be held with two hands, and seemed to be glowing a soft blue aura. It's exterior was rather dark, with dull white spikes protruding out the sides. Although he tried to pull it apart it was no use – whatever it was, it was rather sturdy.

“Damn you're heavy.” Rayzan mutters as he stares at the egg-shaped object in his hands. He looks up, pondering to himself about what to do with this thing. He begins heading back up towards town, only to be interrupted by Maru.

“Oh my yoba – I could hear that crash from across TOWN! To think something actually hit the ground! And you're holding it!” Maru begins rambling off, clapping her hands together. “Can I see it? That doesn't look like any meteor I've ever heard of, but of course space is really vast and there could be plenty of different-”

“Whoa, whoa. Listen, if you want this thing take it. I don't know what to do with it.” Rayzan begins trying to hand it off, only for it to stab him in the arm. “What the fuck?”

“Oh- Oh dear, are you okay?” Maru widens her eyes, frantically trying to grab it again – only for the object to protest yet again. Rayzan grunts in pain, nodding.

“Maybe we should... not. Do that.” He hisses as he carefully sets it down – thankfully it lets him do that – before rubbing at his wrists. “Fuck, what is that thing?”

“Well, I'm not entirely sure... It seems at least somewhat sentient though, don't you think? Exciting!” Maru grins before turning her attention back to him. “...Right, we should get you to the clinic.” She reaches down to pick it up off the floor, only for it to spray some form of mist into the air. “AH!” She exclaims as she stumbles back, holding a hand over her face. “Okay! You pick it up!”

“I'm not touching that thing again!”

“We have to at least move it somewhere no one else can get hurt.” Maru insists, rubbing at her eyes. Rayzan grunts and picks up the foreign object, carrying it in his arms as he follows her to the clinic.

Harvey looks up from his paperwork as the door opens, raising an eyebrow. “I thought I locked... Oh, Maru, hello- Are you okay? What is- Rayzan are you bleeding?” He gets up frantically, moving around the counter.

“I'm fine, he might need stitches. Don't... touch that thing.” Maru aggressively points to the object. “I need to go wash out my eyes.” She motions vaguely in the air before walking off. Harvey blinks a few times before looking back towards Rayzan as he sets the object in a waiting room chair.

“Alright... well, let's get you sorted. I'll... call Gunther and let him know about this also.” Harvey furrows his brow, walking Rayzan back towards the examination room. “What happened, exactly?”

“I don't know. That thing fucking... Grabbed me when I tried to give it to Maru.” Rayzan hisses in pain as Harvey looks over his wounds.

“These look pretty deep – did it get you anywhere else?”

“Not that I can tell.” He shakes his head as Harvey frowns. “I feel kind of... sick, though.”

“Hopefully that's just from blood loss and it didn't inject you with anything.” Harvey notes before gathering everything necessary.

---

Rayzan wakes up in one of the hospital beds in the morning and groans as he sits up. “...So that wasn't a dream. Fuck.” He looks down at his bandaged arms with a frown. Harvey comes in with a smile, holding a clipboard close to his chest.

“Well, good news, you aren't going to die.” Harvey smiles before continuing, “You ended up passing out last night so I set you up here. As far as I could tell, there's nothing lethal in your blood stream either. Maru and Gunther are in the waiting room discussing the...” Harvey trails off for a moment, “Well, if you'd like to talk to them, you're free to. Be sure to keep those bandaged though, alright? And I wouldn't advise any excessive movement... If you need any pain killers, let me know.”

Rayzan nods, pushing himself out of the bed. “Yeah, thanks doc.” He mutters and heads into the waiting room.

“Oh! Mr. Rayzan, it's always a pleasure to see you. This is certainly an interesting specimen you've found here!” Gunther smiles as he stands up straighter.

“Yeah, and it tried to fucking kill me. Can't you take the yoba damn thing to the museum or something where I don't have to look at it?” He glares at it, crossing his arms over his chest before wincing and simply putting them down by his sides.

“Ah... I was looking into that, actually. It seems it's imprinted on you somehow and is rather territorial about it.”

“It's done what? I'm not a damn mother duck or something! If that shit turns out to be an alien I'm not taking care of it.” Rayzan protests angrily, leaning against the counter.

“If it would let me I'd take it off your hands after it hatches or... whatever it's going to do, but until then no one can touch it.” Maru frowns as she looks over at him. “I guess you could just drop it off somewhere, but there's no guarantee it still won't try to find you once it hatches...” There's a pause. “Though I'm absolutely open for helping you out with it as much as I can! Maybe we can be co-parents of it!” She laughs, though it doesn't last long as she sees Rayzan's expression. She clears her throat as she looks away. “Up to you, of course.”

“I'm probably just gonna drop the thing in the river or something. Maybe it'll float off to wherever. Or better yet, drown.”

“Mr. Rayzan, sir, if I may interrupt, I don't think that's such a good idea.” Gunther speaks up. “We don't know anything about this creature – it could be invasive to the local environment. It's better to keep it close so we can learn more about it.”

“Then you take it!” Rayzan picks up a wooden crate, then sets the object inside of it. “There. Yours now. Have fun with your murder egg.” He shoves the box into Gunther's arms and storms towards the door.

“Rayzan!” Maru shouts, but frowns as she turns back towards Gunther. “I think we're on our own here.”

Gunther nods, “It seems so...” He looks down at the object, then nods towards her. “I'll take this over to the museum for now and try to figure out what it likes... Perhaps find a sun lamp.”

Rayzan rolls his eyes as he slams the door behind him. He heads towards the saloon, grabbing his frozen pizza out of the freezer before making the journey home. He'd be glad to sleep in his own bed again.

#my writing #my ocs #rayzan #stardew valley #sdv #dont @ me i based this off a dream i had last night that wouldnt get out of my brain <3

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thefangirlingbarista · 4 years

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10 Questions Tag Game

Rules: Answer 10 questions, ask 10, and tag 10 people however many people your heart desires to answer them.

Tagged By: @nakey-cats-take-bathsss

1. Do you believe in soulmates/true love?

I believe in soul mates, but not in the traditional sense. I think people can have more than one and it could be anyone from a grandparent to best friend to life partner. True love, yes. but not ONE true love. you gotta choose.

2. What’s your happy place?

n a t u r e.

3. If you could befriend one fictional character (book/show/movie) who would it be and why?

Amani from Rebel of the Sands. she’s such a beautiful badass.

4. Song lyrics that apply to your current mental state/state of your life rn

Giants by Dermot Kennedy The hope and the hurt / Has lived inside of me / But there's gold in the dirt / I never took the time to see

5. What’s something that helps you stay positive even when things get hard?

Definitely my faith and knowing that even in the midst of all the bad, God’s got me. Outside of that, friends.

6. What heroine of a movie, book, tv show, story, or history do you relate to most?

This was hard. The most well known one would probably be Katniss. Lesser known and maybe more true would be Maerad from The Books of Pellinor series.

7. Without saying who the person is, what is a question you wish you could ask someone but can’t?

Why am I not good enough?

8. If you could talk to your 13 year old self, what would you tell her/advice would you give her?

13 year old Jess was not a Happy One. I just want to give her a hug and tell her it’s going to get better.

9. What’s a memory you wish that you could go back in time to and relive?

Any of my time in Australia. I miss my people and my mountains.

10. What’s your favorite quote of all time? Why?

I probably have two. Carpe Diem and To live would be an awfully big adventure. I have Carpe Diem tattooed on me. It was my first tattoo, and I got it during a very dark period in my life. I know it’s an overused phrase, but it (plus the Dead Poet’s Society) constantly reminded me that if I took the next step rather than giving into my depression, i’d eventually get to live and not just survive.

To live would be an awfully big adventure... i feel like that one is self explanatory.

My Questions:

Favorite 90′s song?

How do you take your coffee/tea?

What hogwarts house are in/think that you are in and what house do you get along with best?

The sound of rain on a tin roof, waves crashing, or wind rustling leaves?

What you thought you would do when you grew up when you were five vs what you actually do now.

You meet a strange woman on a walk, she tells you to wish for one thing – what do you wish for? more wishes is not an option u goob

favorite lyric/line in poem?

You’re suddenly in an alternate fantasy universe, which one is it (narnia, hp, lotr, etc)?

Shrek or HTTYD? Why.

Favorite writer?

Tagging: @kindclaws @marauders-groupie @moprocrastinates @thewintersstyles @imsrybitw @verorax @maybankiara @thelittlefanpire @craniumhurricane @fangirlinglike

#fun stuff #i really enjoyed these questions

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stripey-demon-man · 5 years

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Chapter one here

something i forgot to mention in the first chapter is that this takes place a year after the musical, so Lydia is 16 as of rn

also this post is very important

anyways into the fanfiction!

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Beetlejuice x Reader chapter 2

2nd person POV

"Ok, we're outside. Now who are you?" You ask, to which he responds with "I can't say my name, but i have one definitely," before you could ask why if suddenly hit you: this guy is dead. How come you didn't notice before? How dirty he was, how he just appeared out of no where, of COURSE he was dead. "Well, uh, ok can't you just write it on a piece of paper?" You ask, reaching into your bag and pulling out a marker and a sheet of notebook paper, and then handing it to him. He looked nervous for a second but then started writing. He handed the paper back to you and it took you a solid minute of looking at it before you looked at him and asked "What is this supposed to say?" To which he responds, "Look, i already told you i can't say my own name, and i WAS gonna tell you i can't spell for shit but then you gave me a piece of paper and a marker and i couldn't resist," You couldn't help but laugh at this, which seemed to make him smile a bit. You then look back at the paper and stare at it for a few more minutes, but after a while you think you've finally gotten it. "Uhh, lemme see, does this say... Beetlejuice?" You ask him, and suddenly he literally jumps up with happiness. "Yes!! That's exactly what it says!!" He pretty much shouts, which made you smile a bit. You always liked making people happy, and seeing someone so happy that they literally jump just fills you with joy. "Ok, now that you know my name, would you mind, uh, saying it? 3 times in a row?" He asks you.

Now, lucky enough you already knew what would happen when someone said a dead person's name 3 times in a row. "Uh, I'd rather not," You say back. Immediately he responds with "Why not? Nothing bad will happen i promise." You almost laugh at this. Does he really think you're THAT dumb? "Look, you probably don't know this, and i don't expect you to, but, unfortunately for you, i already know what will happen when i do that. You're gonna make chaos and probably try to kill a few people, and I'd rather not have that on my conscience," You respond. Beetlejuice looks saddened. How though? Isn't it the same just without being able to interact with the physical world? He turns around, and softly speaks to himself, "I don't wanna be invisible anymore.." Of course, this absolutely shatters you inside, but what if it's a trick? You tap him on the shoulder, and pretend you didn't hear what he just said. He turns around. "What is it?" You ask him. "I'm not like other ghosts you've seen, i promise. Just give me a chance, please just say my name 3 times pleeeaaaassseeee," He begs, and now you're conflicted. Should you say his name? Should you just leave him here? Or maybe.. "Ok, here's the deal Mr. Bug man, before i say your name more than twice in a row, im gonna have to see how you behave normally," You say. Beetlejuice looks so confused. You sigh. "Basically, what I'm saying, is that in order for me to trust you enough to say your name 3 times, we need to hang out some," You explain. He looks almost surprised. "You... wanna hang out... with me?" He asks. "I don't see why not," You respond. He now is seemingly overflowing with joy. "Okokokokok, when are we gonna do that exactly?" He asks. You check your watch. It's currently 7:30 PM. "How does right now sound?" You ask him, to which he responds with a very happy "Yes!" You guys decided on just going to your house to hang out. It's empty since you had moved out of your parents' house long ago, and you had never gotten around to starting a family. "Pretty empty, huh?" He states as he walks in the door. "Yeah, i guess so," You respond. He walks over and sits on your couch, and you join him. "So uh, what do you wanna talk about?" You ask rather awkwardly. Apparently neither of you guys thought this whole thing through. There was a seemingly long silence before Beetlejuice decided to say something. "Lets watch some TV, if either of us think of something to talk about in the meantime then we can just pause it," He says. You agree to just turning on some TV, however it was rather hard for you to focus on what was happening. You were currently sitting next to a dead man on your couch, and that thing he said earlier still rang through your head. Before you could think to stop yourself, you reached out and touched his arm. He froze and looked over at you. His hair changing colors again, having gone from pastel green to a turquoise with soft pink tips. Not wanting to make this any more awkward than it needed to be, you immediately took back your hand and checked the time yet again. It was 9:45, and you have to be at the bakery the next morning. "U-um it's, uh, getting kinda late, and i, uh, have to be at work tomorrow morning, do you happen to have a place you can go back to?" You ask. He looks away from you and says "Well, theres always the Netherworld, but I'd rather not go back there..." You can tell just by the look on his face that he really does not like the thought of going there. "Um, alright, well, you can stay in the guest bedroom if you want to then," You tell him. "Are you sure?" He asks, and you nod. You then show him the way to the guest bedroom and you tell each other goodnight. What on Earth happened today?

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WEEE chapter 2 done! sorry if its not as good as chapter one but i hope you enjoyed regardless. Once again, dont be afraid to inform me of any mistakes made in this!!

#beetlejuice bway #alex brightman #beetlejuice #beetlejuice musical #musical #fanfiction #beej x reader #beetlejuice x you #beetlejuice x reader

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flowers-by-the-bed · 4 years

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Just ignore this it’s just for me to try and organise myself because idk what to do right now aside from cut myself up and hit my head and I’m trying my fucking best to not do that. But as always I need the knowledge that my thoughts are “out there” rather than just writing somewhere private in order to feel like it’s helped me. Not that I have much hope for that anyway. I was doing so so well, moving on, making progress, taking control of things, finding good influences to be around and getting my work done and it all gets shattered over nothing or when my meds don’t work as well as they should. Everything in my life and everything about me is so fragile and built on such fragile foundations and however stable or genuine the changes I make seem, they are nothing. Even if my mood flips again tomorrow and things magically get better, it doesn’t make my emotions any less strong right now, and it would definitely flip back to this as soon as the next stressor happens. I hate it.

I wrote out a huge post about all my feelings earlier and it made me feel better but I went to post it and the fucking connection got fucked and it deleted itself and that alone has sent me spiralling and im so upset and angry and that just says everything, i almost threw my laptop at the wall but threw my phone instead. I’ve been trying to remember what I said because it made me feel better but I just keep crying and hitting things and myself and I cannot shake it, and that’s my reality rn

_____

I’m so exhausted being me and being this mess and I don’t want to even try anymore. Whatever I do and however much I think I make progress, I always end up back in this situation with no triggers or warning. No progress or motivation is worth it because I will never be fixed or stable and there isn’t a guide to navigate this. Why should I try and move forward when within three days this can happen and I’m back at square one. Either my meds were faulty or this is just me but who the fuck cares which it is because either way I’m just a fucking incapable piece of shit. There is no reason I should flip this quickly and feel so strongly over literally nothing but tiny normal inconveniences and the level that I hate myself because of everything and just in general is too much. I hated myself anyway but EUPD moods make it so much worse and so much more intense and I literally cannot do anything close to normal functioning when this happens. My dad came round to check how I was and I cried for a while but then I was ready to try and go out the house with him, but I saw myself in the mirror and had a complete breakdown and cried in bed for hours and didn’t speak. I’m fucking pathetic but I can feel all of the fucking fat on my body everywhere and it feels like a disease, I disgust myself. I couldn’t move or even think about going outside because I couldn’t and still cant stand the thought of anyone seeing my body. It’s vile and I hate it and even when I have a few good weeks and start eating normal amounts again, seeing my body sends me back into a spiral and I regret ever eating at all. I’m crying now because it just feels like you can see the fat expand by the minute and it makes my anxiety and anger and sadness go haywire. I don’t want to try anymore I’m exhausted trying to pretend that one day I’ll get fixed and I’ll be stable enough for myself that I can lead a normal life but it just isn’t possible. I want to drop dead because this is not living. I am exhausted of my thoughts making me think of the most triggering things when I know full well I am already bad enough that I want to die and hurt myself, and just sinking lower into that spiral until I scare myself about what I’m going to do. Every single month there is something that brings me back to this place where I remember that no matter what progress I’ve made, it’s all fake and down to some fucking pills. And as soon as those get taken away, I’m back to being some pathetic waste of space and effort who’s almost 25 and unable to even control their fucking emotions even at the bare minimum level so I can function. I felt so guilty with my dad here and me just being a wreck and unable to talk or go outside. It’s pathetic. I don’t know why I deserve a head that hates me this much and can’t do it’s only fucking job. I’m tired of faking it and tired of hating myself and tired of knowing that for as long as my life lasts, this is all it’s going to be. And it isn’t a life. It isn’t fair and I don’t know why I had to end up like this. EUPD is ugly and it is vile and eventually, whenever it happens, this will be what kills me. The only things that distracted me even a little was my dad coming over and keeping me busy before I fell back into that hole and Matt messaging me, because it grounded me a little for an hour or so because it was nice to interact when it’s been months, but it didn’t work for long. Those aside, I just want to be someone else. It’s too much, I don’t know how to get my thoughts out, I can’t get the anger out even when I hurt myself or break things, it’s like drowning in self-hate to the degree that you cannot see anything else. I just want to sleep and wake up and have this whole stupid fucking disorder and brain gone or a bad dream. It’s not hard to see why I don’t achieve anything, I will never get to my full potential because of my brain and the boat has pretty much already sailed on me achieving the things I wanted to with my work anyway. Because of how incapacitated I have always been during education because of this. It’s not hard to see why people leave, why I am too much to handle. I flip so quickly and the anger expects others to understand what’s going on when in reality I don’t have any idea either. I need validation and then I don’t want a thing from them. It’s too much. I don’t blame anyone. I blame myself. Every aspect of my life gets fucked up by my inability to control myself or my thoughts or feelings and this is just a huge fucking pity party for me to try and organise my thoughts, just so that for the rest of today, I might be able to move my head away from them now. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m detached from 90% of the people in my life and I don’t care. I just want to hide until I drop or until just one area of my life makes sense. If I could hate myself less and not want to puke and cry and cut every time I saw my body, I’d be able to come with the sad and the angry. If I didn’t react so strongly to the smallest triggers, or felt stable, or stable in my relationships, or able to trust ANYONE, I’d be able to deal with hating myself a little better. If I didn’t read meaning into everything people say and misinterpret things, or have such a strong emotional reaction to people speaking to me or whatever then I’d have more stable relationships and I could cope better with the rest. If I didn’t have such bad anxiety affecting most of my life, the EUPD in general would be easier to control. If I didn’t feel this inability or desire to share with the people in my life who actually do care, I’d find things easier to deal with and would have an actual support system. But by my own design and suspicion and refusal to overshare and burden people directly, I’m a fucking mess. Everything hitting me at the same time, at 400% power, it incapacitates me. I wish I didn’t have a personality disorder so I knew exactly what I’m actually like, and not constantly wondering what is me and what is an illness. I wish I wasn’t anxious so I trusted people’s intentions and could be myself instead of reining myself in and being terrified of being bad at things or embarrassing myself, and never making progress with anything or anyone because of it. I wish I had a healthy relationship with food. I wish I didn’t self harm. I wish I wasn’t depressed. I just want to be someone else and be a real adult. Life is hard enough without an arsenal of chemical imbalances and broken mental Schemas. I was doing SO well and it equates to nothing. I don’t want to be a 24 year old pathetic mess of a person. It’s too much. Although I do it to myself because I’m not someone who enjoys talking directly to people about my problems and I’d never want to burden them, it’s alienating and hard to try and function without explaining what is wrong.

#personal #eupd #bpd #mental health #illness #venting

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redpumpscadillacblues · 5 years

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Coming of witch

Hi friends!

I’m reasonably sure that I don’t have too many followers, and that’s totally ok. This is more for myself and for posterity reasons. I’ve had a lot of things happen in my life. I’m going to get some detail in here, but I won’t worry about my ENTIRE life story. It's still going to be long, hold on for the ride!

I mean, I guess I should start at the beginning since this is where all stories start. So here goes.

It really all started when I was little. I grew up catholic. As a child, I didn’t really have an opinion of religion, but overall, I felt far more connected to the native american religions than anything else and tended to embrace the wild side of life as most children do. I stayed in the faith at a distance (making my first holy communion there) until the end of high school and converted to protestantism at the behest of my boyfriend at the time.

I made confirmation in the protestant church I was in. I went on a mission trip to Mexico over a Thanksgiving break and got out of working black Friday in retail. I felt great, I was on top of the world. I was active in the youth group and with the church. My boyfriend and I broke up. I still stayed with my new family in the church (I still keep in touch with some of them). I spent several years in the church. I had some people of faith who were rather awful and had some traumatizing experiences. I started distancing myself from the church in my pain. Bless the good folks, as they all tried to keep in touch and keep me involved. I became an agnostic.

I moved to California and back for a relationship and to get away from the abuse I suffered. My dad has always been a great support and lovingly took me back in at home. I started going back to the church again, looking for a semblance of normalcy all the while not following a lot of the tenets of being Christian. I was in my wild mid-20s.

Another trauma later, I was a few more relationships down the road, partying, and had met another guy. Things moved quickly, we moved in together, I quickly learned his drug abuse was not a thing of the past, but the darkness my life was thrown into. I worked with him to help him through, offered support and tried to help. My payment? He tried to steal, sell my stuff, and emptied out one of my bank accounts. One of his former best friends helped me move out.

We were thick as thieves, me and this girl. We became fast friends, doing almost anything together. I was in nursing school, she was in EMS. I met her two roommates, one who was her boyfriend, and the other another single male. All three of them were in EMS. She was into Wicca, and sort of practiced, though I don’t remember seeing much while in the house. After several months, I started dating the single roommate. More months later, I moved in. the four of us were inseparable and always going on adventures. My new boyfriend worked an hour + from home and took the train, many nights, it was my best friend, her boyfriend and me. I was always dragged along for various antics. It was a great time. It was around this time I started to look into Wicca and identified with it (going so far as to change my facebook profile religion to this), but not actively practicing. I had nursing on my plate (if anyone has been through nursing school, you understand me), and was working 3 part-time jobs.

I met so many people through my roommates. Eventually, I felt a strong connection with a friend of theirs. The relationship I was in was headed south quickly. I had previously dealt with some awful drug abuse, slander, and other awful things, and was now dealing with an alcoholic who was financially using me. I now had an ex-boyfriend and a new boyfriend quickly. In the transition, I was clearly not totally innocent, and looking back, I would change the way this happened and be more upfront and honest, but the past is the past.

New boyfriend and I also moved quicker. Within 6 months, I had now graduated from college and become an RN and moved 6 hours from home to a new job, a new life, and my other half. He supported me through many changes, including my bachelor’s degree in nursing and most recently my master’s degree and board certification to become a nurse practitioner. We got married (now almost 4 years ago) and bought a house. We are blissful (still, after 7 years together and just about 4 years of wedded bliss). I married a catholic man.

Due to the nature of our initial connection, you can assume he works in EMS. It’s almost easier that we’re both in the medical field. We can both relate to the kinds of bad days we have and share a very similar dark and twisted sense of humor. We get along stellar, with only minimal tiffs. No major fights or arguments here yet. No secrets. Communication flows freely and honestly.

I am still essentially agnostic at this point but leaning towards a more pagan path.

I started making new friends and becoming friends with his coworkers. One day, he came home and told me that he wanted to bring me by someone’s house one night for a bonfire. He assured me that he hadn’t told this person anything about me other than that I was the most incredible person he had ever met. We go over, I meet this coworker and his wife. His coworker greets me to his home with a hug and a firm handshake. He looks my husband dead in the eye and says to him “Shit, you married a natural witch man, good for you”. This caught me by surprise. We sat around the fire and talked. The conversation turned towards religion. Dear husband loves a debate and good intelligent conversations. My views of religion and spirituality were questioned and I answered some really uncomfortable questions for me. I finally realized my beliefs were pagan.

I tossed this idea around for a while, bought a couple books and read only a few chapters of each. I wasn’t too serious about it but liked the idea of pretending to be. I’d get curious and join some Facebook groups, post some questions, read through. I started a year and a day class through one of the groups. I made it for 8 weeks. School was in the way (at this point, I’m in my master’s program working nights and life sucks). I still hadn’t made any great strides with my spiritual life at this point.

The fall came around. School required me to make a trip to Boston to sign off on some skills prior to starting the next part, which was clinical rotations. We made a long weekend of it and checked out Gloucester and Salem. Dear husband has lived in and worked in Gloucester and Salem respectively. I had my tarot read in a well-known shop. I’m on the right path, awesome.

Flash forward to the end of the year, I start the year and a day class again. I’m doing well, I make it 12 weeks. I can’t hang with the work. I’m embarrassed to practice in front of dear husband (not for lack of support, but I keep a lot of me private). I’m still casually practicing.

It’s now May 2019, I’m graduating from school (I went online, I already had my degree at this point, but wanted to walk due to the huge achievement). We trek back to Boston. My parents meet us separately (they’re divorced) and we go to the ceremony. It’s nice. Madonna ThunderHawk speaks and received an honorary doctorate for her work advocating for native americans in her life. Her tribe presents her with the Lakota Star Quilt. I’m crying. We go to Salem again the next day (because I love it there and missed the town).

I get another tarot reading at the same place. I meet the reader, who is incredibly intense, but comforting. /He shakes my hand firmly and looks me in the eye. “I’m so happy to read for a witch, I love reading for witches, you guys are my favorite. I wish I didn’t have another reading after you, I would spend more time with you”. I’m shocked. We sit down. He asks who my deities are. I tell him that I’ve not really identified who it is. He asks what pantheon I’m particularly interested in. I’m really enjoying learning about Norse culture. He smiles and tells me he figured and has some interesting news to share.

My reading delves more into my spiritual side. Essentially, Odin wants to work with me, he’s hanging around. the first card he turns over is the hanged man - one of Odin’s names. He tells me that I need to manifest and manifest large. He recommends picking up tarot (tells me to get a more basic deck for beginners), and suggests to also work with runes. I’m told I’ve been working magic in my sleep and likely don’t realize it. He recommends books. Now the reading is done. My head is spinning. I grab a Rider-Waithe deck. I’m pleased and we leave.

I’m so forgetful, and I forget the name of the book. I contact some Wiccan/pagan friends for help on finding information about Odin. This leads to another conversation and I’m called out AGAIN as a witch. She tells me she knew the first time she met me that I was a witch, and was surprised I didn’t know it.

That brings us to here and now. I’m reading up a storm, I’m working through the Poetic Eddas right now. I received my runes in today (they look awesome by the way). I’ve been pulling a tarot card daily and letting my intuition guide me. I’ve been journaling. I’m trying to work on remembering my dreams. I’m logging everything that I can at this point and I’m diving in whole-heartedly. I’m partially out of the broom closet at this point. I live at the top of the bible belt, and my “kind” aren’t welcome around here. I don’t always shy away from saying yes, I’m a witch when asked; however, I do try to keep it personal. I’m in the public eye and have to worry about how patients will perceive me if this information got out. However, I’m going to make the best of it that I can at this point!

Thanks for reading. It was long, somewhat drawn out on occasion, but this is me and where I’m at currently.

Blessed Be brothers and sisters. <3

#coming of witch #nurseblr #witchblr #baby witch #norse gods #odin's got my back #where do i go from here

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