#i’m fairly excited lol i did my best to challenge myself this time around

[akkivee]

7 days until kuukou's birthday!!!!!!!!!! kuukou week officially kicks off tomorrow!!!!!

[mjolnir-steve]

Foolish

Frank Adler x fem!Reader

Word count: 5027 (oop)

Warnings: light drinking, very brief mention of suicide, some cursing, smut (18+ ONLY!!!), unprotected sex (m/f) ... Please let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: Hi, y’all! Here’s my entry for @stargazingfangirl18 and @navybrat817’s Shameless Hoes for Chris Challenge!!!! I haven’t written smut in a LONG time, so please be gentle with me LOL. Here’s what I got:

Frank Adler

“I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.”

Breeding / mutual pining 🥴

I’d like to dedicate this to @rodrikstark for always sharing the Frank Adler feels and @sparkledfirecracker for bullying me (with love) into finishing this. ❤️

If you like this fic, please comment and reblog!!! I hope you enjoy. :)

Fridays never seemed to come soon enough. You looked forward to the beginning of the weekend as much as the next person, but over the last few months, Friday nights took on new meaning for you. You moved to the trailer park a little less than a year ago, wanting to buy a small place of your own and start making a home for yourself. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t expensive, and it was only a ten-minute drive from your office where you’d just secured a promotion. Roberta, the manager, helped you make it feel like home right away, insisting on going with you to pick out paint samples and providing copies of menus for the best take-out in the area.

Before long, Roberta introduced you to the trailer park’s resident certified genius, Mary Adler. Mary and Roberta spent Saturday mornings with you when you were free, which unfortunately, was pretty much all the time. You played games, sang karaoke, and even let Mary’s one-eyed cat Fred come over. He took a liking to your swinging chair in the living room, and if Mary couldn’t find him at home, odds were he somehow squeezed through your window and ended up in that chair. 

Another two months had passed, though, before you met Mary’s uncle and guardian, Frank. You came to learn that Mary stayed with Roberta every Friday night because “Frank needs time to be an adult” and she was not allowed to come back to the house until noon on Saturdays. This information made you feel like Frank must be some kind of sad, perpetual fuckboy. You were right about the sad part, not so much about the latter. One morning while Mary played with your watercolors, Roberta let slip - ironically over a cup of tea - that Frank did have the occasional hookup, but usually, he drank himself sleepy on Friday nights and just needed the time to himself. He worked himself to the bone as a boat mechanic, often late into the night because it was too hot to do some jobs during the day. Frank took Mary in when she was just a baby after his sister, her mother, tragically committed suicide. He spent the majority of his scarce free time with Mary, so when Mary was still a toddler, Roberta offered the Friday night deal. Frank countered that he would do any repairs in the trailer park for free, but she refused to let him do that work without pay, saying he deserved to have a life, too. 

She also informed you that Frank was a former philosophy professor, single, and very attractive, especially if you were into the rugged thing. You rolled your eyes with an amused exhale and took another sip of your tea. You’d be lying if you said your interest wasn’t piqued. Mary then shouted over her shoulder, confirming that she’d been listening to your entire conversation, “Frank is great, but he’s a grump. Good luck cracking that egg.” You snorted, nearly spitting out your tea, and she went back to reading your color theory book to Fred.

With that, you heard a sharp rap at the door. You set your tea down on the kitchen table, curious who your visitor might be. You didn’t know anyone else in the trailer park, or in town, really. You opened the door, taking in the sight of possibly - no, definitely - the most handsome man you’d ever seen. You quickly guessed it was Frank, judging by the grease smeared on his quite large hands. His eyes, though tired, had the same bright look as Mary’s, and he had the most perfectly imperfect fluffy hair and overgrown stubble.

“Good morning,” he said with a sweet, closed-mouthed smile. “Is Mary here?”

You had to remind yourself to breathe. Stammering, you opened the door wider, gesturing inside. “Hi, y-yes. She is!” Why am I like this? “She’s just painting with Fred. Please, come in.” You moved aside so he could fit his broad shoulders through the doorframe and then held out your hand. “You must be Frank. I’m Y/N. Mary is just wonderful.” You smiled at him, feeling the heat rise in your cheeks.

He took your hand in both of his, gentler than you’d expected. “I’m sorry. Yes, I’m Frank. It’s great to meet you, finally.” He smiled wide for the first time and you were certain you’d pass out. Who LOOKS like this? “And thank you, she really is wonderful. I couldn’t do it without Roberta. She’s family.” He smiled and waved at Roberta, who was looking at you over the lip of her mug.

Mary didn’t even bother to turn around and face Frank. “What are you doing here, Frank? It’s only 11. I have a whole ‘nother hour with my friends.” You tried to keep your laugh quiet, covering your mouth with your hand and shaking your head.

“Well, excuse me for thinking you might like to go out on the boat with me this morning. I guess I’ll go by myself.”

Mary jumped up from the floor, scrambling to clean up your paints and books. “Can Y/N and Roberta come?”

Frank crouched down to meet Mary’s eyes. “Of course they can, if they’d like.” He looked back at you over his shoulder, trying to gauge your interest, then turning back to his niece. “But do you remember what I told you?”

You could see that Mary was making a conscious effort not to roll her eyes. “You told me that my adult friends have adult lives that include adult responsibilities, and they might not always be available to spend time with me.”

“And?” he looked at her expectantly.

“And I need to invite them to do things without assuming they will do them.” She couldn’t hold back her eye roll any longer, but she made sure not to let Frank see. “Roberta, Y/N, would you both like to join us on the boat today?”

You were amazed by the exchange taking place in front of you, able to see where some of Mary’s brains and tenacity came from. The conversation between the two flowed so easily, playful yet intelligent. It was clear that Frank treated Mary not as a child, but as a person, and you chided yourself internally for thinking that was kinda hot. 

Shaking yourself out of your mildly inappropriate thoughts, you responded. “I’d love to come, Mary.” You smiled at her, bending over to help her pick up the last of the paints from the floor. “Roberta?”

Roberta gave you a look and you just knew she planned this somehow. “I actually do have some of those adult responsibilities to handle today, but thank you for inviting me.” You sent a glare in her direction, quick but no less scathing. “Maybe next time.” She winked at you before washing out her mug and saying her goodbyes.

You spent the whole rest of the day and night with Frank and Mary, doing everything from building sandcastles to cooking dinner together. Mary eventually fell asleep in your lap as you were watching Oliver & Company, Frank’s favorite Disney film that had become Mary’s, too. “An underrated classic,” they told you in unison.

You helped Frank put Mary to bed, a task made easier after such a tiring day. “I guess I should get going.” You stood awkwardly in the small kitchen, unsure of yourself and painfully aware of how close your hand was to Frank’s resting on the counter.

“Yeah, I have a job early in the morning.” He looked down at his shoes, unable to look you in the eye, and you wondered if he hadn’t found your company as enjoyable as you’d found his.

“Listen, I don’t know if you’ve been to Ferg’s? The little bar down the road? I go every Friday night just to relax and have a few beers. Maybe you’d like to come with me next weekend?”

Is he asking me on a date? You could feel your heartbeat racing. The look on your face must not have matched the excitement you felt at the prospect of spending time alone with the dreamy, kind, sarcastic man in front of you. 

He felt like an idiot when you hesitated to answer. He clearly read everything wrong. He had to fix this. “It’s a good place to meet people, you know? I know you’re fairly new to the area, so if you’re looking for more local friends, it’s a good place to start.” He winced, hoping you couldn’t sense his embarrassment at thinking that you would want to go on a date with him.

You swallowed, trying not to let your disappointment show outwardly. Of course he’s not interested in me. Stupid. “Oh, yeah! That would be great, Frank. What time?”

Frank let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, relieved that you didn’t seem offended by his offer. “How’s 7? I’ll pick you up? We can walk over together.”

And that’s how Fridays came to mean so much to you. Almost every Friday for the last six months, Frank met you at your door and you walked to Ferg’s together. Frank told you it would be a good place to make new friends, but you paid no mind to the other patrons. You only had eyes for each other, yet neither of you could see it, even though Roberta pointed out (repeatedly) that neither of you had taken anyone else home in all that time.

The more time you spent with Frank, the more certain you were that God was real and your life was His favorite trainwreck reality TV series. Even if you could have customized a dream man Build-A-Bear style, Frank still would blow your creation out of the water. He was smart and funny, not to mention an adoring parent to Mary, to whom you grew more attached each day. He was kind and thoughtful, talented and hard-working. Although he was a grouch, as Mary would say, he always was sweet to you. He took a genuine interest in anything you had to say, whether you were venting about work or filling him on the latest episode of whatever show you were binging. He was ridiculously sexy without even trying. All those hours he spent doing manual labor in the sun did wonders for his physique. You’d only seen him completely shirtless on one occasion, and the image of him with sweat dripping down his chest was burned into your memory, fueling your late-night thots and causing you to break out your vibrator on what was now a regular basis.

Six months had come and gone in the blink of an eye, and you’d begun to accept that Frank didn’t want to be anything more than friends with you. You decided tonight was as good a night as any to talk to someone new, to start letting go of your unrequited feelings. 

You swapped out your usual jeans for a sundress, t-shirt bra for a push-up, and lip balm for lipstick. Putting your phone and some cash in a wristlet, you considered wearing your new strappy sandals. The walk to Ferg’s was about five minutes each way down a sandy road, though, and memories of the sticky floor inside aided your preferred pair of Converse in their victory for the night. 

Just as you finished tying your shoes, you heard a knock at the door. You adjusted your cleavage and fluffed your hair a final time with one last look in the mirror. Here goes.

Frank felt like he had the wind knocked out of him in the best possible way. He suddenly felt entirely underdressed in his aloha shirt, even though it was his go-to for nights out of the house. He’d never seen you dressed so nicely when you weren’t going to work. 

You were the kind of beautiful that didn’t require makeup. Your natural hair always framed your face perfectly, even if you didn’t think so. He thought you were adorable when you were concentrating on something, blowing your hair out of your face with a huff. Visions of your soft curves made their way into Frank’s dreams on more than one occasion. He had seen you in your swimsuit several times, sunbathing with Roberta and swimming with Mary at the beach. It wasn’t even all that revealing, but it accentuated your figure in ways that forced Frank into needing a cold shower or two. Above all, though, he admired your heart. You’d allowed Mary into your life without hesitation, spending time with her because you wanted to and allowing her to ask all those questions that Frank just wouldn’t be able to answer. It killed him that you didn’t see him the way he saw you, a perfect partner for him and a worthy maternal figure for Mary.

“Frank? You okay?” Your concerned voice shook him out of his thoughts, prompting him to close his mouth which apparently had opened wide in astonishment when you stood in the doorway.

“Yeah, um... You look…” He looked a little confused, his brow furrowed and lips pursed. “Why are you all dolled up? It’s only Ferg’s.” He wished he could’ve kicked himself in the teeth when your face fell at his question. He rubbed a hand over his face. “Shit. Let me try that again,” he nearly begged, running up to you to stop you from going back inside. “You look really nice, honey.” He ran his calloused hand up your forearm, but quickly returned it to his side when he realized what he’d done. “Is it a special occasion, though? Should I change?”

You gave him a watery smile, given that you were three seconds from slamming the door in his face and crying. “That’s better. Thank you.” You lightly pushed at his shoulder, trying and failing to ignore the electricity you felt at the contact. “No occasion, though. Just thought maybe it was about time I actually introduced myself to someone new.” 

You couldn’t quite read his reaction. Little did you know he was certain he just felt his heart physically crack in his chest. “What do you mean?”

The two of you started walking, the tension between you thickening the very air you breathed. “Well, when you first invited me to Ferg’s, you said maybe I’d get to know some other people in the area, right? But we’re always with each other. I’m sure you’re itching to talk to someone other than me. I don’t want to hold you back.”

“Ah. Gotcha.” Frank abruptly reverted to the quiet, distant state he usually occupied before he met you. He sped up a bit, walking ahead of you and desperately attempting to school his features before you caught up with him.

Frank practically ran to the restroom, not slowing down even to hold the door open for you. You took a deep breath and rolled your shoulders, relaxing before entering the bar. Normally, whoever made it first would order drinks for you both, but Frank made it painfully clear that he had no desire to be in your company tonight. You ordered your usual, an Angry Orchard with a shot of Fireball in a tall glass. The combination tasted like apple cider, but the burn in your throat was caused by liquor rather than heat. It was strong enough to get you buzzed, but not so strong that you’d be stumbling home. You swallowed half the glass in one gulp, wanting to feel the warmth in your veins boosting your confidence as quickly as possible.

“Y/N? How are you?” You turned around, eyes meeting those of Jamie, your coworker. He leaned in for a hug and you accepted somewhat reluctantly, having interacted with him only in passing.

“Hey! I’m all right. What’s up?” You smiled at him, taking another sip of your drink. Jamie was not very subtly staring at your chest. You weren’t crazy about him, but the attention felt nice, so you allowed it.

“Not much. Just happy it’s Friday, ya know?” He looked around for a moment before returning his attention to you. “You’re usually here with that mechanic dude, right?”

You stifled a laugh thinking about how Frank would react if he heard himself referred to as “dude” by this prick. “Yeah, he’s around somewhere. We’re just-“

“-Just friends?” he finished for you with a hopeful look.

You nodded in response, looking him up and down. He was no Frank, but you couldn’t deny he was handsome. It had been so long since you’d even been kissed, and though you hated to admit it, you were touch-starved. One night couldn’t hurt, could it?

Meanwhile, Frank was splashing his face with cool water. He couldn’t believe he’d fucked up so royally. He was sure you didn’t want him how he wanted you, and now he was sure it was too late to tell you how he really felt.

He knew from the moment he saw you that he’d never get you out of his head. Roberta had been talking you up to Frank for weeks, but he wanted no part of it, mumbling something about there being “a reason why no one used matchmakers anymore.” He had no choice but to make your acquaintance when he was looking for Mary, and he’d never been so happy that Roberta could say she told him so.

Later that day at the beach, Mary approached him while you were dozing on a towel in the sand. She sat on his lap and reached for his face, using her pointer fingers to turn the straight line of his mouth up into a smile. “Roberta says you have a ‘charming’ smile, Frank. We think you should use it more.” He chuckled quietly, careful not to disturb you, and pulled Mary in close, planting a wet kiss on her cheek. She grimaced at the feeling, dramatically wiping at her face until he let her go back to reading with Fred.

The sound of the jukebox starting up cut short his reverie. He had to get out there and explain himself. Frank dried his face and hands with a paper towel before smacking his cheeks and stretching his neck back and forth to each shoulder. 

Frank exited the restroom only to find some douchebag staring at your ass as you leaned over toward the bar. He saw red when the piece of shit held out his hand behind his back while his friend slipped a twenty-dollar bill into it, seemingly winning some sort of bet.

Jamie didn’t stand a chance when Frank stormed in between the two of you. “That’s IT,” he yelled, so intense he borderline bellowed. He threw whatever cash he had in his pocket on the bar to pay for your drinks before he pulled you outside, almost getting to your door while you fought against his grip. He only stopped when you spun your body around like something out of Dancing with the Stars and jumped in front of him, forcing him to catch you.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N, what are y-”

“-What are YOU doing, Frank? What the fuck was that?” You put your feet back down on the ground but remained facing him, arms crossed over your chest.

He groaned in frustration, suddenly realizing he actually had no clue how to respond. “Fuck.”

You looked at him, tapping your foot in anticipation.

“I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.” He rubbed at his temples in the way he did when he felt a headache coming on.

“And how was he looking at me, Frank? What does it matter to you?”

“He was looking at you like you were a piece of meat and I… FUCK!”

You both turned when your neighbor opened his window. “Can you kids keep it down out here?”

You waved bashfully at the old man. “Sorry, Mr. Parker,” you said in unison.

“Come inside, Frankie.” The nickname that typically made him roll his eyes at you never had sounded sweeter, now that its use confirmed you didn’t hate him for the scene he made. You both toed off your shoes at the door before you made your way into the living room, motioning for him to sit next to you on the couch when he tried to sit in the armchair across the room.

You leaned forward, pinching his chin between your thumb and forefinger. “Now what’s going on in that sun-damaged brain of yours?”

He let out a laugh so soft you almost missed it, but you were glad you didn’t. Sitting back against the arm of the couch, you pulled a pillow into your lap and hugged it, giving Frank your full attention.

Frank cleared his throat, doing his best to accept that it was now or never. “That guy was leering at you, and it pissed me off. You deserve better, Y/N.” He pried your fingers from where they were locked around the pillow to hold your hands in his.

“If you want to meet new people, that’s great. If you don’t want to be with me, that’s a little less great, but I’d understand. He didn’t even pay for your drinks. And I th-”

You covered his mouth with one of your hands, and he knitted his brows in confusion. “You’re making it sound like it’s an option to be with you.” You were in disbelief, side-eyeing him, waiting for Ashton Kutcher to announce that you were, in fact, being Punk’d. 

The corners of his mouth lifted into the soft smile he reserved for you. It was the same one he gave you whether you were on a tangent about how “Obsessed” by Mariah Carey is “the single greatest diss track of all time” or you were helping Mary put a harness and leash on Fred “just to see how he’d do” on a walk.

“For a distinguished professor, you’re kind of a dummy, Frank.” You took his face in your hands, thrilled to be feeling his stubble against your palms. Before he could talk back to you, you kissed him, unsure how you denied yourselves such a simple yet extraordinary pleasure for so long. It only took a moment for him to relax into it, his hands removing the pillow between you before finding your waist and pulling you almost into his lap.

You deepened the kiss, threading your fingers through his hair. He pulled away first, pressing his forehead to yours. “Seems like we’re both dummies, huh?” 

You were going to ask why pulled away until you looked down to see a considerable tent forming in the front of his jeans. You laughed as he pulled you into a tight hug, one arm wrapped around you while the other hand held your face against his neck.

You kissed the side of his neck softly before leaning back to look at him. “All this time? I thought you didn’t see me this way.” You held his face, stroking his cheeks with your thumbs. “You asked me to go to Ferg’s and then said I could meet other people, so I thought that was it, you know?”

He covered your hands with his and pecked your lips softly. “Honey, I thought it was the other way around. I was trying to ask you out and you looked like you’d seen a ghost.” You giggled, spluttering a bit because tears had started falling at some point. He wiped your tears away before swiping his thumb over your bottom lip, pulling it down a bit. “We’re fools, aren’t we?”

You nodded slowly and Frank saw something wicked flash in your eyes before you took his thumb in your mouth, sucking lightly. “Jesus, honey.” His length hardened underneath you and you could feel the wetness beginning to pool in your panties, prompting you to grind down into his lap.

You released his thumb from your mouth, pressing your chest into his before kissing him again. “I think we’re only fools if we don’t take advantage of the rest of your adult time.” You removed your dress easily, returning your hands to Frank’s shoulders to push off his shirt.

He surged forward to kiss you again, working magic with his tongue against yours. You wrapped your legs around his waist and he picked you up, walking you into the bedroom. Placing you on the bed carefully, he removed your bra and panties before pulling off his boxers and jeans in one go. You thought you wanted him before, but now that you could see everything he’d been hiding under his baggy clothes, you didn’t see how you could ever let him leave your bedroom.

The next few minutes were spent exploring each other’s mouths while Frank stretched you with his fingers. You didn’t think you’d ever been so wet in your life and thought you might pass out if you didn’t feel him inside you immediately. You gave his cock a few strokes before sliding his head through your folds, coating him in your slick.

“Waitwaitwait, honey. Do you have a condom?”

“You don’t need one if you don’t want one. It’s okay.”

He looked like you just gave him tomorrow’s winning lotto numbers, taking a deep breath to steady himself before he looked at you again. “Oh, God. Are you sure?”

“Mhm. I wanna feel you. Make me yours?”

“Anything you want, honey, but if you change your mind, just tell me, okay?” He lined himself up, seconds shy of entering you for the first time.

“I figured if you were gonna be possessive of me tonight, you might as well take it the whole nine, Frankie.” You laughed as he let out an exasperated sigh. “Seriously, though, I’m clean, I’m on the pill, and I’ve wanted you for a long time.” You reached up to scratch lightly through his chest hair.

“The only thing I wanna hear right now is you moaning for me.” He drove into you harshly, but waited a moment for you to adjust once he was seated to the hilt. “So damn wet and tight for me, honey. You’re so perfect, so beautiful.” He kissed you again before he began to move, slowly but surely making you lose your mind.

He dipped his head down to take one nipple in his mouth, then the other, effectively shutting you up and emptying all thoughts from your head. He nipped at the swell of your breast, soothing the bite with his tongue. “Fuck, Frank, please!”

“Please what, honey?” He picked up his pace, fucking into you so vigorously you moved up the bed. “Tell me what you need.”

“Make me cum, Frank. Please, baby, I need it. Need you,” you cried, leaning up to bite into his shoulder, stifling your moans.

“I wanna hear you, Y/N. I wanna hear those pretty moans while I’m making this perfect pussy cum for me.” The combination of his filthy words and the sight of him sucking on his own fingers before rubbing at your clit sent you over the edge, making you scream his name over and over again for what felt like forever and not long enough.

You could tell he was close, his hips stuttering and losing their rhythm. He began to pull out, unsure if you were willing to let him finish inside you, but knowing he was too close to wait for an answer.

You hooked your legs around his waist and pulled him close, pushing him back into you. “Fill me up, Frank. I wanna feel all of you. Please give it to me,” you whimpered. His release triggered another for you, chanting each other’s names surely loud enough for the neighbors to hear. 

He stayed inside you as you both came down from your shared high, gingerly flipping you over so he laid on his back with you on his chest. He kissed the top of your head, fingers fluttering up and down your sides. 

“What’s on your mind now, Frankie?” You looked up at him through your lashes, mildly terrified of the answer.

He looked down at you with the most adoration you’d ever seen, lifting your chin so your eyes met his in the moonlight. “That wasn’t too soon, was it? You mean so much to me and to Mary. I don’t wanna mess this up. I don’t ever wanna hurt you. You’re the best thing in my life besides Mary, you know that?”

You kissed his chest before looking back up at him, smiling. “First of all, I would argue that wasn’t soon enough.” He hissed as you clenched around his still softening cock inside you.

“You’re evil.”

Winking at him, you continued tracing patterns on his chest with your fingers. “Second, that all kinda sounds like you might be in love with me, Frank Adler.”

His hands stopped moving for a second before he responded. “Would you run away if I said I am?”

“Well, I wouldn’t run away. This is my house.” You thought your heart might explode in your chest.

“I didn’t even say it, but I take it back,” he huffed, throwing his arm over his eyes.

“What if I told you I felt the same way?”

He grinned, sitting up to kiss you feverishly on your cheeks, the tip of your nose, and finally your lips. You could feel him starting to harden again inside you, leading to round two of… well, you lost count.

You ate breakfast and showered together in time for Frank to return home before Mary did, agreeing to talk more later and to hold out on Roberta for a while.

Frank stood on your doorstep, leaning in to kiss you once more. All of a sudden, you heard a familiar meow and thanked God you were dressed and not in your robe.

“Frank, what are you doing here? I thought I’d come see Y/N since I’m not supposed to come home until noon.”

You bit your tongue to keep from cackling. Frank ran a hand over his face, his blissful bubble burst. He was getting you a hotel room next weekend.

[klaus-is-the-real-number-1]

Goody Two Shoes (Number Five x reader)

ASK:Hello! I really enjoy your writing and I was wondering if you could do a Five x reader where the reader is easily embarrassed and Five knows that and constantly teases her but even after all that she is doubtful that he likes her? Thanks again!

Thank you so much to the actual angel who requested this ur forever in my heart n should 100% hmu when u see this, hope this is what you had in mind!!! stay fresh my dudes!! (also im british but were going to pretend that five and you are both 16 in high school. idk how the system works so i hope this is ok!)(ALSO ALL OF THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY ARE 16 AS WELL AND IN HIGH SCHOOL)

A/N: woow i did not expect it to be this long, do apologise for the angst but i hope it gets better lol, love you all have a nice day and yet again thanku to the angel who recommended this i think i went a bit off but hope its a bit like what you wanted!!

warnings: swearing, fives a bit dodgy but it gets better i swear, angst, fluff eventually, probably pretty long. 

words: 2246

The Hargreeves were an unusual bunch, they were all so different yet you could see that deep down they all cared for on another. Klaus was your best friend, even though you knew all the Hargreeves, you could always be found with Klaus. You and Klaus would often go shopping, have sleepovers and keep up to date with the recent gossip around school; as sad as it sounds Klaus was really your only friend and you hardly got to hang round with him at school, school was a whole other issue on it’s own. Even though you were the same age as Klaus, and the rest of the Hargreeves children, your high school pushed you up a few grades so you were sitting your final year, your intellectual ability was far above average, even being in your final year you were scoring 100% on all the exams. You had no one in your lessons that you knew, well no thats not quite right, you had Five.

Five. Five was a funny issue, just like you he had been pushed up to his final year and you were in constant competition with him, he was always nit picking at everything you do and knew exactly what buttons to press to get you angry and even upset. But for some reason, you liked him. You liked him a lot, no matter how angry or upset you got with him you just couldn’t help it, in a way he helped you achieve much more because for every snide comment he made to you, you’d just go and smash the next test that came up. 

You were currently sat with Klaus in his room, it was raining heavily outside, you were painting his nails for him as he rants about everything thats upset him this week. You were only half listening to him, concentrating on holding his hand still and humming every now and again.

“You know who else has been annoying me this week? Five.” He states waving his free hand around. “He wont stop asking me when you’re next going to be round, he keeps saying things like ‘Klaus, when is y/n coming round?’ and I’ve been hearing this all week, if I didn’t know any better I think he’d be trying to steal you from me.”

“I seriously doubt that.” you say with a slight chuckle, you couldn’t even imagine Five wanting you to be around, Klaus was probably just saying this to make you feel better about your small crush on him. Klaus knew all about your crush on his brother, to say he disapproved would be an understatement. He just didn’t get it.

“Honestly y/n, I don’t get what you see in him, he teases you all the time, and too be fair he’s so fucking annoying.” You look up and laugh, he gave you a weak smile looking down at his nails that were almost done, appreciating the black glitter polish you brought with you. He was about to speak again until a voice spoke up from the door.

“I thought I could feel myself losing brain cells, but of course it’s just because you two are in here together.” It was Five, he was leaning against the door frame, a smirk evident on his face. “Y/n, you haven’t been answering any questions in class recently, I hope it wasn’t because you stuttered that one time, or maybe it was more than once. To be honest, I can’t quite remember but it was still funny either way.”

That had hit a nerve, you were always so nervous to answer questions in class even though you knew it was the right answer, it was just something that happens. Feeling your face get red from his words, he continued.

“Oh I tell you what was funny,” He stepped closer into Klaus’ room, an evil glint in his eyes. “that one time that senior asked if you had a spare pen and when you went to give him one you spilt your water on him, ha!” Klaus knew all about that story, the senior is question was fairly attractive and you really didn’t mean to, you couldn’t apologise enough to them no matter how many times they said it was fine. Your eyes begin to burn, you hated how easily embarrassed you could get, you just couldn’t help it. 

“Just fuck off Five, stop being awful to her just because you fancy y/n!” Klaus said almost impulsively, covering his mouth. Now Five was the one with a red face, but not out of embarrassment, out of anger. You could see him getting angry with Klaus. Klaus would never fail to mention how Five said things he’d regret when he was angry.

“I’d rather chew my own foot.” You felt your chest getting tight, his words hurt and now you could really feel your eyes stinging.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise I was that repulsive.” You say with a quite voice, you didn’t understand how one persons words could hurt so much. You got told often by others how pretty and beautiful you are, but non of them compliments mattered to you because they weren’t from the person you wanted them from. “I’m going home.” You quickly grab your bag from the floor and push past Five, you glance at him through tears, his face looked almost regretful, but it couldn’t be. 

“Y/N wait!” You heard klaus shout but you were already half way down the stairs. “Five, what the fuck!” You heard steps chasing after you. It was pouring outside, and it was at least a 30 minuet walk back to your house, but you didn’t care.

“Y/n, you can’t walk home in this.” Klaus almost begged with you.

“Please just let me go, Klaus.” You step out the front door not giving him a chance to respond. 

The rain was soothing on your hot face, you couldn’t hear the rain fall on the ground though, the thumping in your ears drowned everything out, you couldn’t believe Five, he’d never gone that far before. 

‘shit.’ Five mumbled to himself once he heard the front door slam, he didn’t mean to say that, he was so angry at Klaus for telling Y/N his secret, he didn’t know what to do. He knew he was always a bit too harsh on y/n, he just didn’t know how to handle his feelings for them. He’d never met anyone who could challenge him and win, y/n was the only person who beat him on any tests you had in school, the only person who could distract him enough to completely forget the world around him.

“Five!” he could hear Klaus getting closer to him. “What the fuck? why do you have to be such a dick all the time! You always ask when Y/N is coming over then you go and upset her, every time, you say you fancy her and go do shit like that every damn time, you won’t have any chance with her if you keep going.” Klaus was angry, really angry. “And you know what Five? I hope you don’t get with her, she’s my best friend and she deserves better.”

Five knew what he meant, he could see that. She did deserve better than him. Five just looked down, clenched his fists and disappeared. A flash of blue and he was gone. Klaus almost wanted to scream, y/n was the best person he’s ever met, it’s almost as if he can’t have anything to himself in this house. Klaus slammed his door, hard, he was done with Five, always asking how to win y/n over and then completely ignores any advice he gives and he gives good  advice. He told him everything from her favourite music to her favourite plants and trinkets. 

It was now Monday, you and Klaus had been face-timing almost all weekend as you always do, he hadn’t mentioned anything about Five and you were grateful. You were waiting for Klaus just outside the Academy, it was a sunny day so you knew during all the breaks you and Klaus would probably be outside basking in the sun. You heard the door open and you look up expectantly.

“Hey y/n.” It was Five, he was in a crisp suit as he was always. His eyes burnt into yours.

“Oh, is Klaus almost ready?” You ask, keeping eye contact with him, not letting him intimidate you.

He goes to speak but gets interrupted by Klaus, you smile at him wearing a leather skirt and a crop top and dark eyeliner. He graciously links arms with you and pulls you off, you spare a look at Five behind you and you see him with clenched fists walk back into their mansion of a home. You and Klaus talk about his new fascination on one of the senior boys in a few of your classes, Dave, you and Dave occasionally talk in classes and Klaus practically begs you to get his number for him. You would try and do it for Klaus but you didn’t know if Dave liked boys or not but despite the facts, Klaus still begged you to get his number.

Once you get to school, you and Klaus head to your locker, the entire time he wouldn’t stop talking about Dave, you notice a small piece of paper thats slightly crumpled. In small, seemingly rushed writing, was ‘y/n x’.

“Recognise this writing?” You ask Klaus. He looks at you cheekily, without a second thought he snatched it from you.

“Hmm, I wonder what it says?” He says sarcastically as he opens it to read it aloud, reaching well above you so you couldn’t reach it. “y/n, sit with me in physics? -A x” He paused. “Who’s A? Wait, isn’t it that senior you spilt water over? Wait y/n!” He excitably garbs your arm, hitting it many times. “He sits next to Dave! y/n you’ve got to sit next to him, not just for you, but for me.” 

You grabbed the note and shove it into your pocket, you just sigh and agree, if you weren’t going to do it for yourself, you’d do it for Klaus and his weird obsession with Dave. 

You say your goodbyes as you make your way to physics, you felt nervous, you usually don’t sit with anyone and just get your head down to get your work done. As you walk into the lesson you see him sat in his seat, you smile and go to sit next to him.

“Nice to see you got my note.” He beams, he was cute, but not Five cute. You couldn’t wrap your head around how he acted this morning when Klaus practically dragged you away from him. He looked almost sad when you didn’t respond. Speaking of the devil, Five walked into the class, calculating eyes scanning the room until they land on you, his eyes then move to the boy next to you causing his eyebrows to furrow. You’ve never moved seats since you started the class. You turned to the boy next to you and started a conversation about the assignment thats due in soon, you hear a chair behind you scrape. The chair where you’d usually sit, a quick glance confirmed that it was Five, you did what any reasonable person would do and completely ignore him, all lesson. You feel his eyes in the back of your head all lesson, only to get worse when the boy next to you leant over and whispered a joke into your ear too make you laugh, and it did. 

Five couldn’t believe it, y/n shamelessly flirting right in front of him. He filled with anger every time he’d look at her, when they’d touch legs, give each other little looks but the worst moment was watching him lean over and whisper something into y/n’s ear and she laughed. Y/n laugh was almost like heaven, soft and quiet, Five desperately wanted to be the one making y/n laugh. 

You had two periods free, you began your walk to the schools library, as you do every Monday, you’d pick a book that you haven’t read and begin to make an attempt at it and even though you hated to admit it, it was your favourite part about Mondays. But suddenly, you were pulled to the side and in a flash of blue you were gone, and just like that you were stood in a room in front of the very person who said he’d ‘rather chew his own foot’ than be with you, the person who has continuously tried to put you down since you first met him, your crush, Five. 

“What. The. Fuck. Five!” You say angrily at him, you repeat the phrase, pushing him away from you when you said it. All he did was look at the floor. “You can’t just teleport me whenever you want, honestly, if you’ve genuinely just brought me here to have a go please just leave me be honestly. What the fuck.” You emphasise the last words.

“Let me explain, please?” You just crossed your arms at him, waiting for whatever response he could give you. He just sighed before continuing “I’ve been an asshole to you, I know I have, it’s just,” He paused, looking at you, “You might not believe me when I say this, but I like you, y/n” You saw the vulnerability in his eyes. “And I don’t expect you to forgive me right away, but please let me make it up to you, everything that I’ve done. I promise I’ll do anything.” You looked at him, and you saw the real him, all his cards out on the table. You let your arms drop and look down.

“Promise?” you say sticking your pinky finger out, childish, but he knew that you took them very seriously.

“Promise.” Five said as he interlocked your pinky fingers. You smile, hoping he does keep his promise.

Six months later, Five had kept his promise. You were sat on his bed finishing off work before your finals, soft music was playing in the background. You quietly hummed to the tune of the song, Five was laying his head on your shoulder, lazily watching you neatly write out equations.

“Wheres Klaus?” He asks as you set your notes to one side.

“He’s on a date with Dave.” You lean into Fives arms, he just hummed in response.

He pulled you down onto the bed and wrapped his arms around you, you listen to his heartbeat, the soothing beat sounding like music to your ears. You feel him press a kiss to your forehead, you were glad he kept his promise and made up for everything that he’s done. Five slowly gained your trust by just sitting with you in lessons to start with, then to dates at Griddys, picknicks, meals out and eventually you saying yes to being his girlfriend. It took Klaus a while to accept your new relationship but he eventually came around to it, especially since you got him Dave’s number. You were happy with Five, you close your eyes and get even closer too him, just as you fall asleep you hear him whisper.

“y/n I think I’m in love with you”

[sibyl-of-space]

havent angsty long-posted on here in a while lol it’s like i am in 3rd year of college all over again

Well, no thanks to fast and reliable testing, I am at least fairly sure I actually do have Covid. I still haven’t gotten my test results and it’s been a week, but I have a headache typing this because I over exerted myself by performing the highly taxing tasks of... taking a shower, cooking something, and sitting upright instead of lying in bed (as I have been largely doing for the last 2 weeks). So at the very least I’ve been able to communicate with my workplace and am now at an understanding that I should just take this week off too because if sitting upright for extended periods of time makes it hard to breathe, that is perhaps, slightly concerning.

So instead my anxieties now are about the fact that literally contracting Covid was actually in the long run beneficial for my mental health because I’ve been able to just... rest, and play some video games, and rest some more, and sleep, and edit photos, and watch other people play video games. I’ve gotten to just. Relax. I haven’t had the chance to relax since before the pandemic started, because I work at a nonprofit that helps homeless people and that shit doesn’t stop being necessary in a crisis. And it’s compounded by the fact that I work in IT and we had to basically throw together enough band-aid and duct tape solutions to get everyone set up to work remotely, which was hard as fuck to do, and now we are still going in part of the week to help serve meals shifts because we don’t have any volunteers.

(That is like 90% definitely how I contracted it, a few weeks ago I worked a meals shift with someone who was not-so-subtly coughing into his mask next to me and it was not the phlegm-y cough but the ‘ah i am just clearing the old airways’ cough. Why are you working a meals shift to serve the homeless if you have symptoms OH MY GOD. Anyway.)

My workplace is not organized in the best of times, which made it interesting but lively and was largely endearing even if it was somewhat frustrating. But now, it is just driving me up the wall. I have felt at the end of my rope mentally for about 2 straight months with no end in sight. And now the more literature that comes out indicates it could be YEARS before the USA is able to approach anything resembling normal because of this, and I do not think I am mentally capable of handling this kind of environment for that long.

My team is GREAT. I love them. This organization put out the only legitimate IT starting position that did not require 3-5 years of previous experience, paid me MORE than a fair starting wage, and is just all around great at treating me like a person and I’ve learned so much from them. I am so thankful. But the organization as a whole is managed like, well, basically a shit show that makes me honestly miss the well-oiled shitty corporate bureaucracy that was my first job out of college. I’ve been considering applying elsewhere for ages now, but... well first of all I feel like I need to at least have worked a full year here before moving on (it’s been about 7 months presently) for it to count for anything, and also, well it has been very nice actually being treated like a person in a 9-to-5:30 office position and I don’t know how much I’ll be seeing that if I sell out and work for some tech startup or whatever the hell.

Up until now I have had a sort of... promise I’ve kept to myself, where if I am not fulfilled and start to actively dislike and resent my job when I wake up for it in the morning, that I will move on from that job. I have held on to that. My first job out of college was an excellent source of stability for me as a recent college grad, but when it reached a point it was stressing me more than it was supporting me, I moved on. I then worked minimum wage (note: minimum wage was $15/hr at this point so my income was only actually decreasing by $4/hour because administrative assistants do not get paid what they are worth. Now bay area cost of living is fucking stupid, but minimum wage in this circumstance was actually livable for me with the bonus of having my parents’ health insurance.) at a fabric store - I stayed there for 2 years, longer than I’ve ever held a position, and while partly I left because I had more or less finished learning what I had hoped to learn from my coworkers, the store was transforming away from that kind of community DIY vibe it started out as and turned into a kind of etsy wine mom vibe that didn’t click with me as much anymore, and also I was turning 26 and would lose my health insurance through my parents.

So I took the next several months taking my first real break from constant responsibilities/employment since pretty much ever, focused on speedrunning Tales of Symphonia and eventually started studying for a baseline IT certification so I could try and get a job that was more appealing to me than administrative bullshit, which I hated so much. My closest friends I made in my first corporate job out of college were people in QA and IT, so I decided to try and make that a reality. I studied my ass off for a couple solid months, took both tests for the A+ certification, passed, and started applying to jobs. And now here we are.

My frustration stems from the fact that I want to continue working with the people who took a chance on me when I was very green and had no experience, just 2 tests under my belt and a willingness to learn. I really do want to continue learning and growing here. But the environment, through no fault of anyone’s, has been just grating on me. I honestly believe that if I quit they would all completely understand, but I don’t WANT to - I want to stick it out, partly out of pride (this organization has such high turnover, I have already outlasted over half of the new users I’ve onboarded.....), partly to repay the team that has invested in me and treated me like a human being, and partly because I know more experience is necessary if I want to land another job anywhere else.

But boy, am I drained. I was literally hoping I had Covid because it meant I could get 2 weeks off work. And here I am, finally got Covid, am taking 2 weeks off work, and yet I still feel bad about it because a damn test hasn’t come back making me feel validated about it and I’ve still partially convinced myself I’m being a drama queen.

And this break from work is just making me dread the prospect of YEARS of this kind of uncertainty. It’s been so nice just kind of being able to do things at my pace, but it took me actually contracting The Plague to actually get this kind of relief.

Anyway, a few bright sides... first, my tortoise is adorable and doing great, so there is that. (Just looked over and saw her doing something cute. I love her.) Second, I will continue to rest this full week, and next week there is a good chance I will feel more empowered to tackle a workday with the perspective of fresh challenges as opposed to just some monotonous daily grind, after having this time off. Third, if I continue to feel nothing but dread and frustration regarding work, I think I should stick to that promise to myself and give a deadline to when it’s time to start looking elsewhere and move on, because no organization is worth my mental well-being. And lastly, I’ve re-visited OoT for the first time in a really long time (handhelds are about all I can do at the moment), and that was really special.

I’m still fucking pissed that there is pretty much no chance I’ll be able to go to France this Christmas with my roommate and girlfriend. I was so excited to have a paycheck where I could afford to do something not just for myself but for the people closest to me, I routed our flights so we had layovers that would let us connect on the main flight together and paid extra so we could sit together, I was SO excited about this because I spent almost EVERY Christmas in France as a kid because of my family and I miss it SO MUCH, I was so so so excited to share these intimate memories with people I really care about, but the USA is a fucking dumpster fire shit show so who knows when I’ll be able to actually do that now. I haven’t cancelled the flights yet but I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m going to have to do so. Hopefully I can get a refund and we will just have to go next Christmas, but I’m still really fucking upset.

Not even going to comment on how much of a shit show the USA is in general. I feel completely helpless. Another 4 years of Trump is literally a catastrophe we can NOT permit but the current DNC platform looks like it is going to fix about, oh, FUCK ALL, so at this point it feels like there is no hope unless we literally start busting out the guillotines. Every time I see an Elon Musk fanboy on Twitter some of my remaining faith in humanity crumbles. Then I think about how people have been protesting EVERY SINGLE DAY for the right of Black people to LIVE and NOTHING is being done about it. It’s both exhausting and terrifying.

In conclusion, I would like to stop living through a major historical event, please and thank you.

[tslasvegas]

Episode 2: “I am typically regarded as a joke” - Livingston

Anyways... rip Colin, no idea who that was.. obviously Okay well I think we are out of the first impressions stage of this game and I think I've done an okay job of not making a strong impression one way or another, except to DeNara who I've been talking to most consistently since the start of this game. Except for today lmfao I was NOT active on purpose but I'll try to get to that in this confessional. I saw that the tribe went on a call so I decided to join and chit-chat with the girlies of this tribe and I've gotta say.. I'm lowkey disappointed to learn that despite being a returning player, everybody else on the tribe is friends with each other. Aside from Mo it sounds like they all know each other one way or another and I'm kinda left out of that connection. Even though they might not all be friends, it is a bit uncomfortable to be in a call with people where you know NOTHING they're talking about and you're not catching any of the jokes or references to other games. Also, I noticed that the personalities kinda blended together and these aren't people that I'd get along with in other orgs I play, so.. oops. One highlight of the call was that Nik was talking about Rachael and they were saying that Rachael got rid of them, I believe. Basically just talking about how they view Rachael differently because of that I guess? I was kind of in and out during that. But then DeNara posted IN THE TRIBE CHAT when it was just us three plus Kailyn on the call that Nik was spilling tea... and it was just. so. cringe. Idk if Nik or Kailyn noticed and the fact that everyone else was acting so nonchalant makes me think I missed something but either way I was on mute howling bc of second-hand embarrassment. As far as my current position, I do feel a bit comfortable with where I'm at because although I AM uncomfortable being left out of the friend group, normally I thrive early game when I get underestimated. I'm trying to just not make waves and stick to whatever plans come my way and hopefully people don't view me as a threat. Every time I'd leave and rejoin the call everybody was talking about totally normal IRL stuff so it doesn't seem like people are playing the game yet, but last round I did make a bit of an alliance with DeNara for the time being. Despite feeling like an outsider, I'm going to just continue to look at the positives of every situation because as a pessimistic person by nature, I'm inclined to feel doomed in any scenario. But this is my redemption season. I'm not here to get tenth place, I'm here to win and this season will prove itself to be an uphill battle and I'm just getting started. Tumblr Survivor has always felt like the story of Sisyphus and the Boulder to me. Look into the deeper meaning of the story and I promise a lot of the details do kind of relate to me and my character throughout my run in this community, but the general idea is that I've been tasked with a chore of having to push this heavy boulder up a neverending mountain in Hell. As a returning player, I've faced a lot of hardship when I could've just gotten the outcome I want the first time, and each return to Tumblr Survivor, I've pretty much done worse and worse since then. I'm ready to finally push that fucking boulder out of the underworld and bring myself back to the playing field I deserve to be on. For now, I'm just going to keep pushing.

So glad we won that first immunity. Why am I not surprise to see a unanimous vote for the first tribal. Even a self vote.... hopefully we win again today 

I’m already over this tribe. Keegan and Liv are the only fun ones to talk to, Joey I think tries but also doesn’t. Also low key hoping people don’t know too much about Svalbard cause if people know about Rachael and I being close that could be a problem. I’m not letting my work schedule get in the way of my activity, but it’s a bad sign to me when I’m of the most active people on the tribe. I should be the baseline, not the gold standard

I think our Tribe is a bit laid back. Not much interaction, not really that engaging. I hope Jake and Kevin did a good job at the challenge, I don't want to go to Tribal again. The typhoon here passed, I hope Tribal passes too!

Woo we got out the main inactive person. Although really my entire tribe is quiet and lowkey inactive, but Jake and I talk a lot in PMs which is good. Also Stephen is doing his best with timezones so I know he wants to play bc he's always on when he is able to be on. The next biggest inactive person on the tribe is Kevin, but he instantly volunteered to do the challenge so yay I guess. If we lose though, he is still an option to go in my mind. I'm not trying to make too much of a plan because we could win this challenge and then I'm going to try to open the vault because if we come in first I will have 10 chips. But I still need to figure out if it costs 10 chips to open the vault or if you're just not allowed to look at it until you have 10 chips.

You want a confessional, well here it is. Nothing has happened. To be honest, I’ve barely even spoken to anyone today. Or yesterday for that matter. It’s also been quiet in tribe chat.

I finally got my tribe on a call. Most of them joined in, at least for a little bit so that was nice. The only person that wasn't on call was Ben, which kind of paints him as the outsider of the tribe right now. 

...five seconds later

I want to get to know Mo better and maybe set up some sort of alliance with them, but they are so spotty with when they are on, it is difficult to keep a conversation going. I am not chill enough for this game yet lol.

ok. so like that's annoying. that challenge was supposed to be fun but jake is making a big stink. and like yeah i'm mad too but like it's over and it's just a game it's not like actual money lol. also, i don't really care if we go to tribal. makes you stronger. whatever. i'm sure he's a nice person but like i think he's just mad he lost. whatevs. 

Nik and Rachael did our challenge and won. Thank goodness it wasn't me! What my tribe will soon come to realize is I am basically useless at challenges. Rip me.

...five seconds later

Yay! Mo finally asked if I wanted to work together! Took them long enough ;-) jkjk I am excited to finally start playing this game

So after a heated and undeserved loss - sorry Dan I know we talked about it but I'm sticking to my guns - I start packing my bags. All of a sudden Stephen wants to target John, John wants to target Timmy; and nobody is throwing my name out there... Like... Hello? I just got into a public fight with production, shouldn't I be target number one? And now, Xavier and I are the swing votes... How the hell did the worst Tumblr Survivor Player and a 45 Year old man end up stuck in the middle? What the hell even is this season?

WE LOST AGAIN. So now which alliance to choose?! 

I can't believe this round. I should be the target, why - why am I not the target? I lost the challenge. I yelled at production. I am the easiest vote, but nobody is voting me! What is happening?? Timmy and Stephen made an alliance chat with Xavier and I to vote John. John and Kevin are working together to vote Timmy. Xavier says - "Jake tell me what to do!" Timmy and John are both telling me everything the other one is saying to each other, and it's amazing. I have no idea how Xavier and I are voting tonight. On one hand, you have Stephen and Timmy who seem like a really strong duo. But Stephen trusts me a lot, and if I vote out his closest ally than I'll go down that list - which could be trouble in case of the inevitable swap. John is MY closest ally, but if we vote him out the team is much more united. Do I play for ME or do I play for WE? I'm 95% sure the vote is going to be 4-2, and people are going to be blindsided.

“Theres three tribes! Means we’re less likely to have back to back tribals” -_- sure jan. So we lost again, blergh, looked like an annoying challenge. The tribe is still pretty muted, who knows whether they’re voting for me or not. I made a 4-man alliance with Timmy Jake and Xavier, which i do want, but we’ll have to see if everyone is legit. The two bad possibilities are if everyone is actually voting me for various reasons (timezone, round one oopsie, etc.) or if the real vote is jake for arguing with dan. idk, time will tell. From my POV the vote is John, pretty randomly just based on the fact of who competed in the challenge.

Hiiiiiii So I am very excited to be back in the game again. I very much enjoy my original tribe especially Andrew. We already have a Pennsylvania alliance with Stephanie and I think that that is good groundwork to have moving forward should we ever lose a challenge we already have three that are tight in at seven so if we hear anything about any of them targeting us we can do something about it. I like Livingston a lot and Joey but I can’t tell if Joey is 14 years old or not and that kind of bothers me. I am v excited to get with Kevin and see where me him and Andrew can go 

Winning is great, but we need to lose the next one or it’s gonna be a weird spot if the first swap is at 18, although it is very possible that it’s at 16. I don’t want to go into a swap with all the agency being with Luxor, or us having the most players because in both cases we get painted as the targets. Bad news all around

I have yet to confess but here goes! I feel very good on my tribe. We seem to be doing fairly well at comps so far and I would love to continue to miss Tribal as much as humanly possible. I have talked to everyone on my tribe in some capacity but I am not trying to be the one to initiate like alliances and shit before we even have to attend tribal. I just wanna be chill and lay low while also being a good member of the tribe whom people like. Keegan and I have a mutual agreement to make sure each other gets far. I got first boot in my last game and he has never made single digits here in Tumblr Survivor so let's change that. One fear with working with Keegan is that he knows how I play. I played his game, Forest of Horrors, and got rocked out at the Final 7. Keegan has since told me that I was runner up for Player of the Season. I am typically regarded as a joke in this community but Keegan is someone who knows how I play and respects how I play. This game is an entirely different scenario so I am going to likely try to keep my connection up with him.

So the vote seems like it's going to be John Coffey. I'm quite sad about it for a few reasons. He is really nice and I know we work well together in games and he is a very loyal player. Also, Jake had an entire temper tantrum last night after results and that was just extremely annoying. But, Jake is more active and talks to me more while John is a rare sighting. Tbh I would rather it be Kevin but I think they're getting a pass since they participated in the challenge...always next tribal because knowing this tribe it's a strong possibility. I swear if the next challenge is a music video though I will punch a wall since that will be my death sentence since I do not participate in those. I never feel comfortable so I just don't. If we go to tribal as a tribe of 5, that might not be that good, so just really hoping that that is not the next challenge.

ok here's the tea guys. i am pretty solid in my tribe right now. after this vote tonight there 5 of us, and 4 of us are in an alliance, which is good. HOWEVER, i'm solid with the 3 people separately. that's put me in a good spot for a tribe swap/merge. obviously we're like years away from a merge. but we could tribe swap soon. we shall see! 

[grandmascottlang]

a beauty and a beast ch.1 (b.b.)

So. I am so freaking sorry that this has taken weeks to come out. So much happened that I don’t really want to get into, but it really prevented me from being able to finish and post this story, and I’m really excited to write it! This is for @sincerelymlg‘s writing challenge! I hope you enjoy this! (Also note: I changed the story a little bit so that it is more modern but it still follows the main story!)

Masterlist | Taglist | Buy me a ko-fi?

Summary: A tale as old as time between a beauty and a beast. [Modern!Beauty and the Beast!AU]

Warnings: Fluff, angst, slightly unedited writing, Bucky isn’t in this part (sorry!), also if you squint there might be a Good Omens reference or two lol

Words: 1.6k

[A/N: I just revamped my taglist and deleted everyone on it so I wouldn’t have to go through over 200 accounts to see who was active. If you’re currently not on my taglist and want to be added, please click the link above! On top of that, if you add yourself to my taglist and don’t interact within three stories (which includes this one!) you will be removed.]

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a young woman who was obsessed with reading, writing, and anything else that had to do with literature. She lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone. But when she was reading, she was in her own little world. And people didn’t like that.

The people of this village liked people who were open and very involved in the community, so when someone was reclusive and shied away from most community events, rumors were started.

“Maybe she’s crazy.”

“Maybe she’s ill.”

“Maybe she’s waiting for the right moment to leave.”

Leaving the community was almost as scary as someone finding the small town that was in the middle of nowhere and attempted to move in. Needless to say, the people feared change. The very thought of change irked them to their cores, scorched their souls, reeked of treason, or rather, resentment.

[Name] was never one to shy away from these rumors, she didn’t want to be like everyone else who acted almost robotically, she always thought of her village as one of the cities that she read about in dystopian societies. It was too perfect for her, and nothing in the world should be and truly is perfect. 

Her adoptive father, Steve Rogers, was always encouraging her to break out of the norm and be her own individual instead of being what everyone expected of her. She excelled in school and aspired to be a famous published author after she made it out of her hometown.

“Dad?” She asked Steve one day.

Steve cocked an eyebrow at her, briefly pausing from his writing. He was in the process of writing a fictitious war novel, most likely another one of his best sellers (except of course in the town the two lived in, where becoming a writer was looked down upon and shunned). “Hm?” He turned around in his spinning office chair to look at his daughter. “Something you need?”

“I just wanted to run an idea by you quickly before I head over to the bookshop and before you leave for your convention! My favorite author, besides you of course,” she chuckled, always having admired her old man’s writing, “is gonna be over there signing! I found out that he was going to stop here during his book tour at the bookshop!” She began to converse with Steve about his thoughts about the idea and afterward, she grabbed the book that she wished to get signed along with her bag and bolted out of the house, yelling a quick “Bye, dad!” as her hand turned the handle to go outside.

On her dash over to the bookshop, eyes tracked her path, followed by sneers and rude statements being said to her. Seeing someone run to the bookshop was odd, and to the town, she really was an odd girl.

She opened the door to the surprisingly large bookstore (which looked from the outside as if it took up an eighth of the space as it did in reality), heading to the second floor of the store. 

“Hello, [Name]! Good to see that you’re back again! Are you here for the book signing?” the store owner questioned her, a bright smile on her face.

“Vienna! I’ve missed you! I’m sorry I haven’t been able to stop by recently, but I’ve been working on my own writing so much that I really haven’t thought of giving myself a break,” she giggled, scratching the back of her neck in embarrassment. “And yes! I’ve been so excited about this for weeks! I’ve been telling my dad about how much I love his book and when I saw our little village on the book tour list, I screamed!”

“Oh, stop it, girl, you just stopped by last week to pick up a book! Don’t apologize. And I was so excited! His agent, however peculiar, reached out to me and asked if he could stop here during his book tour and of course, I said yes! He is one of my favorite authors after all, too!” Vienna said, beginning to ramble off about the email that she received from the author’s quite… odd agent to say the least as she began to lead [Name] over to where the book signing was.

“Anyway, as soon as you get your book published, you have to let me know! I really wanna sell it here; I have to support my best friend!” Vienna smiled over at [Name] before stopping in front of the author’s signing booth.

[Name] smiled back, waving as her friend, the bookshop owner, began to walk away to reshelve some books that had just been shipped to her store.

She pulled the book out of her bag, smiling at the blond man in front of her. “Hi, I’m [Name] and I absolutely adore your books, Mr. Fell! All of your historical fiction seems very real but at the same time, extremely entertaining and interesting to read, it’s impossible for me to put a book down!”

“Have fun this weekend, old man!” [Name] waved her dad off as he pulled out of the driveway, smiling at her before focusing his attention on the road.

[Name] walked back in the house, closing the door behind behind her. She told Steve to text her as soon as he was boarding his plane to the convention, and the name of it had slipped her mind. While she waited for his text, she picked up the book that she was currently reading and waited, passing the time with a good book.

After a few hours and no word from Steve, [Name] began to get worried. Seventeen of her calls went to voicemail and she grabbed her car keys and dashed out of the house.

She remembered her dad saying that he was going to take a short cut to the airport through the forest by the town and she began her drive in that direction.

She couldn’t remember there ever being a forest by the town until a few months ago and the woods seemed more mysterious than they initially had. As she drove deeper into the woods, it got darker and became almost pitch black when it was only an hour past noon when she started driving. On top of that, it was the middle of summer and it was snowing. Something wasn’t right.

Her headlights reflected off of something and she stopped the car. She hopped out and didn’t worry about her feet getting wet from the snow. She had other things to worry about.

She walked closer to what her headlights were reflecting off of. Steve’s car was totaled and his phone was in shambles. She could see spots of blood staining the snow red, leading away from the car and deeper into the forest.

She shivered from the cold and headed back into her car, following the general direction of the blood. She was also shaking from the thought of what could’ve happened to Steve.

[Name] drove for about twenty minutes until she stumbled across a clearing in the forest, revealing a mysterious looking castle. ‘Why have I never seen this place before or at least heard of it?’ she questioned herself as she opened her car door, exiting her car. She slammed the door shut, seemingly in awe of the massive structure in front of her. She walked up the marble staircase, continuing to follow Steve’s (or at least what she believed was Steve’s) blood.

The castle oozed an aura of nobility and richness, but it was covered in vines and in different places, the castle looked almost faded away. It looked very regal, yet run down at the same time. The doors were a great example of this: they were large, ebony-wooden doors that were carved to portray a scene of a knight riding on his horse into battle and the night seemed to be almost faded into the background, with moss covering his face.

Once [Name] had opened the doors to the strange castle, she looked around the grand foyer. “Dad? Dad, where are you?” she screamed. She began to look around more frantically when she heard a faint “[Name]?” from somewhere deep in the castle.

The castle was fairly well-lit, the girl looked and admired all of the architecture, it seemed as if it had been ripped right from the pages of her favorite novels. It was very fairytale-esque and the girl questioned how on Earth no one had mentioned that such a place existed only a few miles away from the town.

While she marveled at the architecture, she also noticed that every piece of furniture, every decoration, had a very antique feeling to it. Even though many of these items seemed outdated, they looked as if they had been used regularly and recently, however, the castle seemed deserted and empty.

There was a candelabrum placed on a small, oddly placed table. The candelabrum was immaculate and very well detailed, with gold leaves and vines traveling along all of the different “arms” holding up the candles. There wasn’t a single spot on it that faded with age and it looked shiny as if it was new. There was a box of matches next to it, clearly placed there to light the wicks of the candles. 

The table stood next to a large, dark oak door. When [Name] opened the door, there was a staircase leading downwards, without any lighting leading down into the passage.

[Name]’s first instinct was to reach for her phone and use the flashlight on it, but she couldn’t find her phone anywhere. She facepalmed after remembering that she left it in the car’s cupholder and she knew that her dad was more important than any phone.

She struck one of the matches on the striking surface, lit the three candles on the candelabrum, and began her descent further and deeper into the castle.

Permanent Taglist (Strikethrough means that I wasn’t able to tag you!)

@sendspidermanpics @coffeebucko @eternallovers65 @ymeradonnadx @spidey-pal

[asatoyuya]

Pash!Plus Interview

“If it’s Kai, it’ll surely be alright.” – The Royal Tutor Asato Yuya Interview & 『Tomodachi Iijyou × Suteki Miman』music video shooting

2019.02.12

Pash!+: Great job on shooting the music video! How did you find it after watching the finished product?

Asato: Honestly, it was pretty lonely. When I was filming the previous music video 『Prince Night～Doko ni Ita nano sa!? MY PRINCESS～』, everyone was present then. I was able to spend a lot of time speaking with everyone but this time round I filmed it alone, and even till the end I wasn’t able to meet with everyone except Dai-chan (Hirose Daisuke) who was with me at the filming…it was lonely (laughs).

Pash!+: In any case, it was quite lonely right? (LOL) How did you find the dance?

Asato: The theme for the dance this time round is “adorkable” (cute & dorky). Even though it was the same choreographer MAMORU-san who choreographed the dance for the previous music video 『Prince Night～Doko ni Ita nano sa!? MY PRINCESS～』, the choreography for 『Tomodachi Iijyou × Suteki Miman』is really cute. Furthermore, there are a lot of simple dance movements so I think everybody should be able to copy it easily!

Pash!+: The theatrical version will be released in February, and in April, the same storyline has been scheduled to be performed on stage as a musical. How did you feel when you heard the news to bring 『The Royal Tutor』back to life again?

Asato: I was waiting for the news myself, and I was fairly certain that there would be a 2nd season for the series, so when I heard the news, I was pretty calm on the contrary, only thinking "Oh, it finally came ..." (laughs).

Last year I was involved in “The Royal Tutor” for about a year from the first season of the anime to the stage adaptation, but even after the anime / musical has ended, I still met up with the other members to eat together, travel together, and also going to the shrine together to offer prayers on New Year’s Day. During that period, we were talking about wanting to do “The Royal Tutor” again, so even when the actual recording had ended, we still had many opportunities to reflect about “The Royal Tutor”.

That’s why I was genuinely happy when the movie was decided. And I have always loved the original "The Royal Tutor” work and continuously read it, so I'm looking forward to the development of this original story as a fan of this work.

Pash!+: The theme of the bromide and character voice-attached advanced tickets is “A date with sensei and the princes.” for the animated version, and “Sensei & the princes lying down”  in the real-life version respectively. We thought that this is a fairly unusual type of advance ticket, but what did you think when you heard about the concept of it? Also, how did the voice recording go?

Asato: The first thought I had was “WTF was that!”(laughs). But I do think that it is a new concept to adopt, and it is an enjoyable item to listen to once or twice. Besides that, don’t you think that this is a wonderful project that keeps the fans “excited” till February from the time the movie was announced, and with the advanced tickets, fans can have “more fun” waiting for the release of the movie in theatres. With this, you won’t be lonely till the opening of the movie in theatres!

I hope that the fans are all able to enjoy a date with certainly not only Kai, but also with Heine Sensei and the rest till the opening of the movie. I think it may be difficult to listen to everyone’s character voices. But I hope that they will be able to do it nevertheless…!

Pash!+: It’s been a while since you had to act as Kai for those advanced tickets, how did it go?

Asato: As I have been involved in "The Royal Tutor” before, I hear Ue-chan’s voice as Heine Sensei in my head while reading the original work, so hearing Da-chan’s voice as Leonhard somehow refreshed my memories of acting as Kai. Of course, my voice also brought Kai back to life so I felt like I was back doing "The Royal Tutor” again even it felt strange recording after a long period of not being involved in working on "The Royal Tutor”. It’s been a long while since our last recording session but I could still act as Kai naturally without any sense of discomfort.

Pash!+: Before the movie opens in theatres, please introduce the charm of "The Royal Tutor” in your own words.

Asato: "The Royal Tutor” is a work that contains a lot of the teachings of life. Heine's "educational guidance" is fresh to the princes, but it is surely a natural thing for us. However, what I thought was right before was corrected so to speak, I could feel myself going, “Ahh, so that’s what it means.” As I read it, I could really feel it deeply in my heart.

So I like that part of this work, and also how Heine Sensei was able to teach about virtues from the story. Besides that, the story depicts so much love such as brotherly love and the love between the teacher and his students, and the love between a father and his sons, so much that it brings you to tears when you see it, and your heart is filled with warmth.

Also, there are also many funny points in the work. Like when Leonhard said “1+1=3” , I immediately thought “Oi, are you that stupid!” (laugh). However, the story then on focuses on how to make the princes great kings, and I think it is very touching. As the princes learn, there are also times when it gets funny. This is how wonderful "The Royal Tutor” is. I’ve really tried my best to summarise it well (laughs).

Pash!+: Thank you very much for that (laughs).  What are you visualising Kai to be like while acting as him?

Asato: As I had the pleasure to act as Kai, I always wondered how Kai would be like as I read the original work and these thoughts about Kai kept increasing, and my love for him deepened. Of course, not only just Kai, I also become worried about the other brothers, thinking “What will happen to them in the future?” , for Leonhard I thought “He’s cute…”, for Bruno and Licht “Oi! Oi! Is the relationship between you two okay?”. In that sense, Kai is the stable one, and you don’t have to worry about him when you look at him. When it comes to Kai, he’ll surely be okay.

For now, I have a different worry, whether Kai will have to speak in the theatrical version. Since it is for the movie version, I will be happy to give it all my best to get him to speak (laughs).

Pash!+: Do you have any thoughts or messages that you can say about or to the members who make up the cast of "The Royal Tutor" ?

Asato: Aoi-chan (Shouta-san) is the one closest to my age so we could get along pretty well. He’s my senior when it comes to voice acting jobs, so he gives me a lot of recording advice and helped me out a lot. This time round, I think I want to be able to challenge myself using my own strengths as compared to more than a year ago, but I think that is good to have someone to rely on too.

For Adachi-chan, let’s just say everyone is addicted to Ibaraki Prefecture now (laughs). As one of the more animated persons, Adachi-chan is like a mood maker for everyone when you speak with him. When Adachi-chan is around, he helps to relax the atmosphere, be it in a good way or in a bad way (laughs). I’m happy to be able to continue to keep in touch with my brother and sensei.

For Ue-chan, he’s someone that is firm in his believes and is strong in his own opinions. It’s like Heine-Sensei really exists inside of him. Also, I think there is a lot of pressure acting in a work like "The Royal Tutor” so we could see a side of Ue-chan that we have never seen before when we are together, and a side of Ue-chan where he looked pressured. Although he is in a position where he teaches us as Heine-Sensei in the work, but I think it’ll be good if we all can support him in real life.  

Lastly is Da-chan!  Da-chan, please continue to be as cute as Leonhard!  Da-chan is really like Leonhard, but when he realises it, he immediately stops behaving like that. Kinda tsundere right? But, he is the most serious among all of us members. He’s also better at dancing and singing as compared to any of us.

However, I wonder if I am worrying too much. When I’m on stage, I say things like, "Please go to the hospital if you are overly anxious!" I am more concerned about the others than of myself. It’s also because I am not confident and I am always worried about things. No no, I’m just like that! I want to be more confident and support everyone more.

Pash!+: Do you have any last message to share with our readers?

Asato: I am really happy that the "The Royal Tutor” has been made into a movie, and I’m really happy to be able to step up to the challenge again as an actor through the anime version and stage version. I hope to show you a difference in the bonds and growth of the characters from the time of the TV anime till then.

I am also looking forward to seeing how the twins will appear in the movie version and how they will be interacting with us and Heine-sensei. I am certain that there will be some disturbances (laughs), but I think that brings a refreshing angle to " The Royal Tutor". I'm looking forward to it myself, but I hope you're looking forward to it as well. See you at the theatre!

Pash!+: Thank you very much!

© Original Interview: http://www.pashplus.jp/interview/116108/

Translated by Asato Yuya International Fanpage. 

[pet-diary]

Any tips for time management? I always think I need less time for assignments than I do, and this caused me a lot of stress this semester- I don’t want to make the same mistakes next semester.

I struggle a lot with time management, especially when it comes to getting ready to leave and catching the bus on time… So I’ve had to develop a lot of tools to help me over the years. These are some of the things that are really helping me right now. Hopefully some of these will help you too! (Sorry this is so long I do not have a tmi filter, lol).

Time Management Tips:

Set alarms to remind you to stay on task. I have pre-labeled alarms on my phone for all kinds of things (e.g. first wake up alarm, second wake up alarm, walk the dog,eat lunch, take pills, etc). I even made the alarm songs kind of embody the vibe of whatever the task is, so that my memory is jogged even without reading the screen. Play around with your alarm settings, you might be able to add emojis to the label to make them feel less stressful, make the song come on gradually so it’s not jarring, or my phone even has a feature where it reads out the time, the weather and news headlines from the day. It plays a song based on what kind of weather it is. It’s really useful! :) If you need to have an alarm separate from your phone because it’s too distracting, cube timers or kitchen timers can be good.

Use a habit tracker to build better habits. Most of my time management problems stem from not having enough structure in my life. Building structure, even in the smallest ways, REALLY helps me manage time better. It helps me have a better sense of how much time is passing, and how much time certain tasks take. I use Habitica which I love, but there’s a ton of habit tracker apps out there. You could also track things manually in a journal, but I feel like that could require a lot of unnecessary work/time. Habitica is easiest for me because it makes it sort of fun (the RPG element is cute), they have groups and challenges you can join, and basically it just gives me some accountability at the end of the day. I just check off what I did and didn’t do that day, and it helps me stay honest about my bad/good habits. It’s really easy to see what you’re neglecting when it’s showing up in red on a regular basis! Building habits and routines is SO key, I would argue it’s the most important thing to do for better time management.

On that note, having better sleep/wake habits is SO helpful for having better time management. It may not seem related, but your body likes routine. If you wake up around the same time everyday, your body gets used to it and will start waking up even without the alarm. Same with sleep, you’ll start getting sleepy around the same time if you make it a routine. I’ve been trying to get the most out of the few hours of daylight we have in the winter in Seattle, so I try to wake up as early as possible. My goal is to wake up at 5am (it’s not been happening lately, but I’ll keep working at it), because this will give me the most amount of daylight. I use Sleep Calculator to figure out what time to sleep/wake, which has been fairly accurate and helps me wake up with more energy. If you have the money, you might try getting a lamp that gradually wakes you up in the morning. I really want one of these! :0

Prevent yourself from getting distracted when you’re supposed to be working. Use an app like Forest to stop yourself from using your phone. Put your phone in another room if you keep checking it anyway, or put it in airplane mode so you don’t get notifications and can’t use the internet. There’s a lot of apps on the phone and on browsers that block certain sites so you don’t get distracted surfing the web or checking social. Have a separate browser for school work only (I use Firefox for personal stuff, and Chrome for school work. All my plugins on Chrome relate to getting work done and not getting distracted. I don’t even allow myself to use Chrome to search something unrelated to school because I know they’ll use my history to advertise to me and I don’t want those distractions when I’m doing work).

Take breaks when you need them, but get back to work when you should. There’s a lot of info out there about how long your breaks should be and all that. Personally, I don’t find a 10 minute break to be very useful. If I’ve been doing school work for hours and I can’t stop thinking about playing video games, I’ll work to a certain point, and then reward myself by playing Skyrim for an hour or two, then work again. Set an alarm for this, set several if needed. I feel like it helps me reset my brain. I simply can’t satisfy my need for a break in 10 minutes… But that’s just me. Figure out what works for you and the amount of time restraints you have!

Set up your environment for the task at hand. If you’re writing a paper, get out everything you’ll need and then make your writing environment the right mood. For me, that means having a nice candle, some calm instrumental music, a comfortable spot, a snack or drink nearby, etc. I’m a big believer in setting up the right environment. Sometimes that even means taking my breaks by looking at studyblrs or watching a TedTalk related to the topic I’m writing about. Inspiration goes a long way.

Remind yourself why you’re working. It really helps me to stay on task when I remind myself why I’m in school, what I’m working towards, why it’s important. Like the last tip, sometimes just taking a break by watching a TedTalk related to psychology helps me remember why I care about the work I’m doing. Make a vision board above your desk, or just a Pinterest that has inspirational images or quotes that keep you feeling motivated. I will even go so far as to find TV shows, movies, or anime that has a similar vibe to what I’m working on. When I was interviewing for an office job, I watched anime about working in an office, and it actually helped me feel excited about the position! Actually, this is the main reason I have a blog, I like to post content that gives me the right feeling for whatever I’m doing at the time. It helps me see things in a positive light rather than dreading it and wishing I had a different life. It really changes my perspective!!

Set time limits for yourself. I know this is obvious, but just make sure you’re not spending too much time perfecting things that don’t ultimately matter. I used to spend HOURS getting dressed. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a wake up call and realize certain tasks aren’t as important as you’re letting them become. If you really just have too much on your plate, ask for some help. Maybe someone else can take over a certain chore until you’ve gotten your routine down better. Maybe some of your hobbies or social activities can be put on hold for a bit. Don’t overexert yourself, or overbook yourself. Keep a calendar or planner, and make sure you know what’s coming up so you don’t just completely screw up your schedule.

On this note, DO NOT take more courses than is right for you. I used to get peer-pressured into taking more courses than I really could handle. People would make fun of me for taking so few, or criticize me for taking less than them when they were juggling work and a social life on top of that. I know that this might be impossible to adjust, financial aid requires a certain number of hours each semester, and most people have to work on top of school, but if you’re able to reduce your work load and you feel you need to, DO IT! Don’t overdo it just because you feel obligated to be busy. I personally do best with two classes. That’s it. I feel like I can handle the work load, and I dedicate enough of my mind to really diving into the subject when I don’t have a lot more on my plate than that. Figure out what works for you and make that your baseline, everyone else be damned. You might have to remain flexible on this, but I think it’s so important to advocate for yourself and know your limits, don’t let people push you into doing more than you can. At the end of the day, your grades, your learning, YOUR future is what’s at stake.

Aim towards efficiency. Really think about what’s taking so much of your time when you’re working. Are you getting distracted by friends? Spending too much time writing notes? Having to reread the same sentence over and over again because you aren’t able to concentrate? Literally just have too many tasks to do and can’t seem to finish them all on time? All of these problems have different solutions. Try to really lay out each problem, and brainstorm solutions. Time yourself if you need to, see what you’re spending the most time on. If you really just have too many assignments, talk to the professor about it. It may not result in extra time or less work, but they might be more lenient, or they might be able to offer solutions. Heck, you might even hear that you’re putting in way more work than is even required! You never know. This might also be a good time to explore accommodations if you need them. I personally have accommodations for anxiety and autism. My disability coordinator gave me access to a program called Sonocent that can be used for recording lectures and taking notes. OneNote is about the same, and it’s included with Office suite, no accommodations needed.

**Extra tip** Don’t spend over an hour responding to an ask on tumblr………. ( ͡°⁄ ⁄ ͜⁄ ⁄ʖ⁄ ⁄ ͡°)

[kingsofeverything]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

1. List of works published this year: 

In the order that they were posted

Fall At My Door 

Collide

Mercedes Boy

The Oldest Magic Word 

With a Word (part 2 of FAMD)

Possessing All of Me (part 2 of MB)

It Had To Be You 

One of Many 

Stranded in a Dream

How Fast You Fall

Soft Wings

Has The Ocean Lost Its Way 

Splish Splash 

Don’t Want Shelter 

Wasted Like A Memory (part 2 of DWS)

Just Around the Corner 

Find You Home 

Sweating ’Til My Clothes Come Off

Number 84 

Let Me In (part 3 of DWS)

Admission

Intention

Resolution

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Don’t Want Shelter, definitely. The idea for it came to me over a year ago, and that was basically exes to lovers stuck in a hurricane together. I tried to write it earlier in the year and scrapped it. It was a completely different story and they were actually exes, but it just wasn’t working. RIP those 10k words. But I set out to write something with more emotion and I wanted to write something different and I feel like I succeeded. I’m very emotionally attached to their characters in DWS too. It’s been hard to get my head out of that universe.

I’m putting the rest under a cut because this got really long.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Soft Wings. It was soooo hard to write at that time. I was just struggling to write anything at all and every single word of that fic was a giant pain in my ass. It was a bday gift and I actually decided not to do gift fics anymore because of how hard it was to write. The last gift fic I wrote was DWS and it was like 2 months late-- sorry about that @justafatbirdonaboat <3

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

So, this was actually difficult and I would rather include the sex scene I mention below in question 7, but it’s long and... it’s smut and I feel like dropping it in here with nothing leading up to it or after it takes a lot away from it. This is from DWS:

If he keeps himself busy enough, which he’s fairly successful with, he doesn’t have time to think about Harry and how once again he practically laid himself bare for absolutely no reason. It’ll fade, he knows that, but at the same time he doesn’t want it to. It’s how he finds himself going out of his way to some specialty store to find Harry’s organic cinnamon toothpaste. It’s why he bought some fancy vanilla candle for his bedroom. He’s fighting with himself over trying to forget and wanting to remember, because he knows that eventually it’ll be gone no matter what he wants. The toothpaste will be empty and the candle will burn down, and it’ll all become a distant memory.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

i got a super long and detailed comment on FAMD from one of my favorite drarry authors and bloggers that came at the perfect time when i was feeling really shitty about writing and also life in general. it was such a surreal thing for me because i was reading the comment and it was just super lovely and the whole time i was reading it i was like OMFG and fangirling lol

all of the comments on DWS from people who read it as a WIP. they were like some sort of super fuel for me. and it was... idk a special thing for me. i’ve never done a WIP before and idk if I ever will again. it just worked out with that fic because of the chapters and betaing etc. but every time i posted a chapter and people would comment on it, it was just... idk it meant a lot that anyone would follow along, i guess.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Writing Soft Wings, so late May, and then again after I posted DWS, I struggled with Sweating ’Til My Clothes come off. That was Reason #14 and literally NO ONE wanted to write that prompt, so I took it. Mainly though, my struggles have been with fics that either I’ve abandoned (the old version of DWS) or my unfinished sci fic au.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

i feel like everything i write surprises me. i’m constantly shocked that i write anything at all. i think that most of dws was surprising to me. i had a vague idea of what i wanted their personalities to be like, but the way they ended up was so much better than i thought they’d be. I MEAN, i legit thought that the entire fic would take place over 3 days and would end when the storm ended! and then the storm ended and i was like... wtf i’m not anywhere near finished with this. and then a scene specifically, umm... there’s a sex scene in ch 7 of dws that ended up being wayyyyyyyyyyy more emotional for me to write and it still makes me sad to read it. and i’m like 99.999999% sure if you’ve read that fic, you know what i’m talking about. i wrote that and immediately was messaging nic like “i’ve made myself sad with smut! what is wrong with me?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i’m much less messy, though i’m still messy. i think i was easier on my beta this year. less cliche (unless i’m cliche on purpose) and better at getting the emotions across? I DON’T KNOW @louandhazaf is better at this stuff. she answered a different question about this earlier in the year actually.

wait. also. i think i’m better at conceptualizing a story BEFORE i start writing. i still suck at it, but not as badly as last year. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i’d like to write another long fic. i’d like to get better at developing secondary characters. i’d like to write more emotion into my fics. i’d love to be better at outlining and planning fics, but idk if that’s who i am lol 

tbh i’d like to be better at the part of writing that, up until this point, and to a certain point, come naturally to me. i don’t think about my character’s motivations or what they’re separate stories are or backgrounds and shit like that until i’m writing and sometimes i do it and don’t realize i’m doing it? i guess? I DON’T KNOW. coming from a math background and never having written or even taken a creative writing class or anything like that, like... some of the most important aspects of writing, i have no clue about them. at least that’s how i feel. a lot of what i do is just................. like me flying by the seat of my pants. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

this is my answer from last year and i’m just going to leave it because it’s still true.

NIC @louandhazaf​ my friend and forever beta. one day we’re going to take over the world. just depends which one of us is in charge of the brain that day as to whether it’s for good or evil.

however, i’ll add to this a bit. nic is the best cheerleader and beta and all of that. bouncing ideas around with her is always fun and always productive. we laughed so hard when we were talking about ideas for DWS. like... i think we both laughed so hard we cried. 

having writer friends -- so all of you -- has been such a positive thing for me. knowing that we all sort of go through the same shit makes it easier when it’s my own lol. 

specifically, i’ll say that @phd-mama influenced me with her fic ‘feels like coming home’ because i read that fic and when i finished i decided that i needed to write something with more emotion behind it, something with a really great (though not necessarily good) back story. the history between her characters in that fic..... idk a lot of it hit home for me. and because of that fic, i wrote DWS. so, thanks <3 

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

ummmm... yes. let’s just say.......... yes.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

yes! write what makes you happy, even if that means writing something sad and depressing. but also try to challenge yourself to write things you’re not used to or things you haven’t done before. also, just write. you can edit later. put words down.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

my near misses fic, which is what i’ll call it until i title it, that i am super excited about (this one just came to me yesterday)

moodboard fic - it’s anon, so i can’t say anything other than that. i started it, but i think i’m going to start over. 

2 time stamps for ‘don’t want shelter’. one that takes place the summer they’re 13, and one that takes place between chapters 8 & 9, but before ‘let me in’

my sci fi au - it’s been kicking my ass for most of this year 

i have a fic idea where they go from friends to lovers, but it’s a long long road to get there. idk if i’ll get to it. it would be loooong. 

i want to do a valentines fic but idk if i’ll have time. i’d like my near misses fic to be for valentines, but that’s a lot of pressure on me and then on my beta.

28 proposals with jess @someonethatsfunny and if we want to do it for an advent fic for next year, i need to at least write a proposal per month. 

i want to do the new relationship travel the world fic with nic @louandhazaf that we’ve talked about co-writing, but we both have so much going on......... 

oh and the tiny penis fic series. which is 5 short fics that are not connected, but one of them has a tiny penis in each fic (it switches around and also maybe they both do in one fic)

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

I would like to tag all of my writer friends, sooo you’re all tagged. Also, this is more than 3, but idc

@dinosaursmate @allwaswell16 @letsjustsee @gaycousinlarry @goodmorningtoyouuniverse @assisreal (writing or art, saori! or both!) @prettytruthsandlies @someonethatsfunny @phd-mama ok i’ll stop tagging so that y’all will have people you can tag lol

[bb-bigbang-org]

EPISODE 2 -  “I feel like there was no drama caused this week” - CODY

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MANDI

well pretty sure i just ruined my relationship with drew. i think he is pissed at me for not evicting cody. but my true alliance is with joe and frosby. they wanted to keep cody and i was doing what they wanted and joe kept saying we had the votes. and thankfully we did! but the house is definitely going to be split now. drew really wanted cody out because someone told him joe, brooke, frosby, and cody were in an alliance and he wanted to break that alliance up. but sorry drew! had to do what i had to do!

CODY

Oh my lord

I had a good feeling that if I survived it was gonna be close. Holy shit I was one vote away from first boot!!! 

But I survived, and I’m humbled a lot by it. I’m not going to carry on. I’m basically only talking strategy at this point with the couple of people who have reached out to me via DM’s in Joe and Mandi

The big piece of info that I found out late after my trust rankings were done is that Kayla is after me. Which came as a tad surprise initially but in retrospect it’s not at all because she hardly spoke to me after I gave up the character. My impression of her is that she was incredibly put off by me in character mode and therefore she did not wanna be guilty by association. Which is certainly a fair point. However it might cost her the game if she’s too vocal about this

FROSBY

So Episode 1 is in the books and now is time for the good ol Frosby recap. Wow I learned bits and pieces about everyone and learned what I want to do for this season. First off I need to establish the most important factor for this season hinges on 1 thing, Katrina. We have a final 2 pact and our goal is to work our way into the finale by working different ends of the game without drawing to much attention to ourselves. To do this I had to find myself some quiet players to get myself sitting nice and pretty with and I found that in both Andrew and Desiree who both are going for the same strategy as me. Along with that I have a really tight alliance with Both Joe and Mandi. I am totally cool with using this alliance because I know joe is a good player that is excellent at working a social game but I also know that due to him taking third last season I know that he will have a big target on his back and that means less of a target on mine which is good. Finally the last element to my game is completely tanking every challenge to hopefully get people to forget about the fact that I am a challenge beast. The main reason I was voted out last time was due to the fact that I won every other challenge I was in, this caused everyone to see me as one of the biggest players in the game when in reality I was just a good cover piece for Bob and Ferg. This time I'm choosing my fate and im choosing to play on the outside but to be a good outside player I need to avoid the limelight and to do that I need to tank challenges (While still doing a partial good job that it looks like im not tanking them) As for Katrina she is running the same strategy as me with trying to stick on the outside but she is working with players like Kayla and Brooke which is a great because like myself with Joe, sticking around Kayla and Brooke will keep the heat off of Katrina and she can use them to hopefully do a good push in the later half of the game. 

Now to talk about the first vote. I for one had zero care about either player, but I figured keeping Cody in the game would create more chaos that I can hide on along with the outsider players im teamed up with. All 3 of us voted for cody so not only did we keep him in the game we also don't have to worry about cody getting mad at us for not voting for him plus we are in the majority of the aftermath vote. Now we are at the next HoH challenge and im going to tank this one and just see who wins this bad boy. Watch Cody win it, that would be hilarious and Kayla would be in big trouble. 

PS:  Im still fully new to Big Brother in general  so I'm crafting these ideas and strats on the go so don't judge me for pulling any stupid plays in the future. Here is your warning I will in fact do stupid plays. 

JOE

I’m going hard for this HoH and I’m pretty sure the only reason I want it is so Joe can’t have it.. who would I nominate? Probably the people who don’t reach out to me. Kayla, Joe, Mandi, Ash, Sammy and Cody are 100% safe with me but everyone else is fair game. 

CODY

Ok so my number 1 objective of this week is to avoid going on the block at all costs. I will consider that an absolute win because after receiving 6 votes against me I’m in a super odd spot. And the person who is HOH this week in Austin was one of the 6 who voted to evict me last week. However he told me that his vote was kind of up in the air and he could have gone either way. So I feel better about him being in power over someone who was vocal in wanting me out such as Kayla or Sammy

I have decided to throw out Kayla as a target to Austin with the main reason being that she is after me, and I feel like she genuinely is playing a smart game and playing both sides. I think she has great adaptability in the game and could easily slide under the radar despite voting incorrectly at the first eviction

Hopefully this works and Kayla and another person go up

CODY

So I have spoken with Desiree and it turns out Austin was leading the charge to take me out from her perspective so that is a bad idea lol. I’ve asked her to suggest the other person and she chose Frosby which is great because he is someone who definitely had my back

Unfortunately the objective of that alliance idea hasn’t quite been fulfilled as i was hoping we could include Austin to try and throw ideas into his head and show some loyalty. But it sounds as though I am his number 1 target so there’s no point forcing such a big thing onto him

So I have spoken with Desiree and it turns out Austin was leading the charge to take me out from her perspective so that is a bad idea lol. I’ve asked her to suggest the other person and she chose Frosby which is great because he is someone who definitely had my back

Unfortunately the objective of that alliance idea hasn’t quite been fulfilled as i was hoping we could include Austin to try and throw ideas into his head and show some loyalty. But it sounds as though I am his number 1 target so there’s no point forcing such a big thing onto him

DESIREE

Daily Thoughts for Day 5:

Collecting Votes:

The house seems pretty split on the vote. It's interesting to see two groups forming for votes and I'm wondering if that's indicative of any alliances that are lurking. Austin & Sammy are leading the campaign to vote out Cody. They have both messaged me with a very similar list of people that they say are voting Cody out, so I'm guessing they are a duo. Despite their efforts, I do believe Pennino is going this week, and that's where my vote is going. But, it is going to be a close call and nothing is certain. To be honest, I'm not super gungho on either one going. On one hand, Cody doesn't seem trustworthy. But, he is a big target that we can worry about later, and it's always good to have a target bigger than you in the house. Pennino has been putting in very little effort in this game, which I don't want to see rewarded. Ultimately, I'm going with Pennino because that's what Frosby is doing, and he's my biggest ally. That being said, I want to keep an eye on Cody because I am worried he may be making deals to stay here. He's definitely still on my radar.

Pennino's Eviction: The votes went exactly as I'd predicted (7-6 with Pennino being evicted). Of course, I can't know for sure who voted where, but the numbers lined up with what I thought would happen. I do feel bad about Pennino going because he seemed like a sweet kid, but I am just glad to be on the right side of the vote today and I feel good knowing that, even though I don't have a single alliance chat, I still kind of know what's going on in the house. But, now that the first eviction is up, it is time to start solidifying alliances. Let's go!!!

DESIREE

Daily Thoughts for Day 6:

HOH: So, I abstained from the HOH competition this week. I feel bad about having to do that, but I just have a lot going on on my end with these protests and I didn't have the social energy to ask for selfies. I'm not sure I would've wanted the responsibility yet, anyway. One Step At A Time, just like my pre-season song pick.😉 Austin won HOH and I feel okay with that. Not super excited or scared. I've chatted with Austin and he campaigned against Cody last week for votes but I ultimately did not end up voting that way. He probably knows that, but still I don't think I'm at the top of his radar.

Alliance Formed: I might have done something bad for my game... I voice chatted with a few people, including Cody, and he seemed fairly cool. Then, he privately messaged me asking about forming an alliance. He picked one person and I picked one person. He picked Andy (which is great because I love Andy) and I picked Frosby. It might be a dumb idea to join an alliance with the person at the very bottom of my trust rankings, but for some reason I believe he has good intentions? It was definitely a show of good faith for us each to pick a person to join. So Cody is definitely growing in my favor this week. I plan to stay true to that alliance.

Strategy: Originally, Cody suggested Austin for the alliance along with Andy. I told him that Austin was the one spearheading the campaign against him and that adding him to an alliance probably wasn't the best idea. I think offering this information to Cody allowed him to trust me a bit more, while also potentially making two more people in the house who are bigger threats than me. Cody said that Austin is playing both sides and he also is worried about Kayla as a threat to his game. I definitely agree that Kayla is a threat, she seems well-connected and well-versed in BB ORGs. But at the moment, I don't have any personal targets.

CODY

Ok so I’m on the block again. No surprise there. I’ve been told by Austin that he has some sort of backdoor plan in place for if he wins the veto where he saves me and someone else goes up. However I genuinely know nothing else. He could be flat out lying 

I’m really sad that it’s me and Joe. He is my number 1. But I’m confident that we can work together with our alliances to keep us both safe and eliminate whoever gets backdoored...

I have come up with a move tho. So basically, one of the things I did when Austin was HOH was I sold out Kayla. Told him she’s not to be trusted, can’t keep her around. Turns out they’re working together so I couldn’t win there

Instead I’ve gone down the reverse psychology route with a move I’ve never personally tried before but hopefully it works

I reached out to Austin and said to him that I’m really close with Brooke, and if the backdoor plans work I do not want her gone. But I’m actually saying that because he might see what I’m saying, take advantage of it and put her up to “weaken” me. When in reality if Brooke goes up, the person it weakens the most is Kayla.

While myself, Brooke, Joe have been aligned throughout the whole game. I have realised that Brooke plays too loyal of a game to her people. And her number one person no questions asked is Kayla. I think it’s not good if both of them are kept in the game together. So that’s why I’ve made this move because I’ll happily take out Brooke if it means her Kayla doesn’t have a lot of power and can take out me. Because if it’s me and Kayla on the block next to each other I have lost Brooke’s vote. So I wanna prepare for the possibility of me and Kayla on the block later down the line by taking out someone who would not vote to save me in that hypothetical in Brook

DESIREE

Daily Thoughts for Day 7:

Key Order: Austin nominated Cody & Joe. That doesn't surprise me. He told me that Cody was his target and Joe is a pawn because he is well-liked in the house. He also assured me that I would be safe this week. What was most revealing, though, is the key order. I referenced the key order back to my predictions for votes on the first eviction. All of the people that I suspect voted for Cody to go were given their keys first, except for one. I was given my key in the middle, and then all of the people that voted for Pennino to go. However, Katrina was in the the latter group, despite her voting to evict Cody. This leads me to believe that Austin still thinks I voted to evict Cody and that Katrina is the one who flipped her vote. Katrina was the last person he convinced to swap, so it would make sense that he would assume she was the one to flip her vote. ......Am I playing both sides of the house? Am I the villain? Oh man... I'm just glad Austin put me in the middle instead of towards the beginning, which would make this way more obvious.

Alliance Chat: Based on the key order, Andy has surmised that Katrina and Ashley are floating atm. I don't know why he didn't include Brooke or Mandi, because they were also in the bottom half of the list and they are not in our alliance. He is suggesting we form an alliance with those two as well to catch the floaters, but I think it's a bit too soon to make that call based entirely on key order. I suggested we wait a bit and see what happens this week.

BROOKE

Austin nominating Joe and Cody irritates me so much. I guess he wants an enemy in me.. Austin better watch his f*cking back because if Joe leaves, I’m out for blood

ANDREW

Austin made it quite clear, the alliance he is in, with they key placement. It looks like the house is divided in the ones that wanted Cody out(Austin, Kayla, Drew, Lukas and Sammi) and the ones that wanted to keep Cody (Frosby, Mandi, Brooke, Andrew, Desiree) Katrina, Ashley and Chloe seem Wild cards. Idk this game is long, I’m later on showing you guys, my alliances chart. 

That’s how the house is divided. FROSBY

Well this is the worst, like the actual worst thing that could have happened at this point in the game. Cody and Joe are both key allies for the 2 alliances i'm in and basically one of these alliances is going to lose a player. The player I would like to go home would be Cody. The alliance I have with Cody is with Andrew and Desiree and honestly I was already working with both of them before cody came into the picture so if cody got voted out not much would change between our trio alliance. As for Joe, I really need joe to stay in. He is a future vote shield plus him and his sister give me great intel and safety in the game that can push me into the game. The only thing is they will both be extremely strong in the late game so we will have to be careful about that. As for working with Katrina, she is good allies with Austin in the background of the game so that helps knowing which way he may be going in the future now knowing that he can be a challenge threat. As for the Power of Veto competition this is really hard for me. Like I want to save Joe so he won't go home but its WAY to early to show who my true allies are. Also if I choose 1 over the other I am hurting my connections with either alliance so the best course of action is throw the game and pray Cody gets a massive amount of votes.  

CODY

Holy fuck

I’m so sad I lost the veto. However I’m glad Austin won because he has told me that he has a crazy plan. Which I’m being super tight lipped about and I’m pretending that I’m gone. In which I think legit everyone thinks is gonna happen

I actually have no idea what Austin’s plan really entails. It might end up being really bad for an ally of mine however it will save myself and could save Joe which I’m all for! Joe is my boy in this game. Being put on the block next to him is horrible. Hopefully we both survive and one of us wins the next HOH

AUSTIN

i kinda forgot about these so lets just go back and start at day 1 . i was happy to see a few familiar faces like sammy lukas and chloe . didnt know any of the rest but happy to meet new ppl. kayla and drew seems great so bounded with them pretty good at the start. after the first hoh and veto i could kinda tell they was a lil goup in the house like brook, joe,frosby,and ash all seemed close but they also talked about being in othe games together. to my fucking surprise i WON the second hoh comp . i put up cody ( becuase no one trusted him) and joe ( bc i secretly wanted him gone ) . it was simple cody would probs go but if they was the chance i won veto i had a backdoor plan. THEN  i fucking won veto as well. so i talked with my alliance ( lukas,drew,sammy,chloe,and me) they wanted ash to go up so i thought it was perfect timing for me to take cody down and put up ashley so that foursome loses a number. fist time ever im good at challenges so wish me luck bc i feel i have a target now and will need it 

DREW

YOU SEE THAT?! YOU SEE THAT EXCELLENCE? THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY BIG BROTHER! 

Cody's bitch ass thinks that I'm playing a piss poor game, but I don't care about that little catfish. I care about taking out the bigger guns, and right now- miss conniving, scheming, manipulative, fake ass lips, nails and extensions Ashley... is going HOME! 

I know that Chloe is a little mad that Cody is being taken down and what not, yeah I understand that. But that fake attitude that Ashley has over some of these houseguests, myself included, that isn't apart of this "premade" of her, Joe, Frosby and Brooke... UGH WE WON... and I HAD A BIG PART IN THAT ROLE... GOURMET MEAL HERE I COMMMMMEEEE

DESIREE

Daily Thoughts for Day 9:

House Drama: In the morning, Cody got upset with Drew for not responding to his DM's and decided to air his dirty laundry in the house chat. I think this was a stupid idea because Cody already has a big target on his back for the whole "house meeting" on Day 2. Once I woke up and saw what he did, I told him he really needs to lay low if he doesn't want the whole house against him. Hopefully he will listen to that advice... I understand it's frustrating that Drew doesn't like him and doesn't respond to his DM's, but Cody made an enemy out of him by accusing him of leaking the Unde9able alliance. He can't expect Drew to all of the sudden be fine with him just because he dropped his "character".

Contingency Plans: Before the POV winner was even announced, Ashley was in my DM's asking me if I'd vote Cody out. (For the record, I'm pretty sure she voted to keep Cody last week...) Austin won POV which seemed like the final nail in the coffin for Cody. In DM's, Frosby & I were already agreeing that if we needed to vote Cody out to save ourselves, we would. If Cody was going to be eliminated anyway, it would be better if the house didn't know we were with him. 

POV Ceremony Fallout: In a shocking turn of events, Austin took Cody off the block and replaced him with Ashley. Nobody was expecting this and we were all very confused. As far as we were concerned, Cody was Austin's number 1 target. Before the POV ceremony, Austin DMed me, intending to tell me the plan. I didn't log on until immediately after the POV ceremony, so I didn't see it. After the ceremony, I messaged him and he told me that Ashley, Frosby, Brooke, & Joe all had pre-game relationships, so he wanted to take one of them out. I immediately messaged Frosby about this, and he said that they have played together before but he barely talks to Ashley and Brooke hates him. Him and Joe seem to be close, though, which is fine by me because I like Joe too.

Voting: I spoke with all of the alliance members separately about which way we should vote. I guess we're all still a little nervous because it seemed we didn't say anything about the vote in the group chat until we had all decided in DM's. Andy was the only one considering voting out Joe, because he believes that we could get Ashley on our side. He didn't seem that pressed, though, and ultimately the group decided to vote to evict Ashley.

CODY

This round was a lot more telling as I was able to get some legs within the game and I tried super hard to diffuse my target. With the exception of when I called out Drew for his lack of social play I feel like there was no drama caused this week. And even that I think more people were on my side with that than other people have been and understood that it was a game move. Because legitimately I do feel like Drew is setting himself up for failure. He’s made it too obvious that he’s not willing to work with anyone who I seem to be close with and hasn’t talked to majority of them. And even though we are only up to week 3, it’s the day 1 bonds that are maintained throughout the game that matter most. If someone only starts talking to me properly later in the game and unapologetically does not care about the lack of bond they will not get my vote

WEEK 2 CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36ScH-fNJ-k

[steamishot]

Habits

I’ve been making some lifestyle changes lately. Most, if not all my life, I’ve done things in a rush. I tend to value speed (maybe because I find the task more challenging and more fun if I race against time lol) when I complete tasks, and I realize I’ve been quite unaware that I do this. Little everyday things, like getting ready in the morning, taking a shower, peeing, washing my hair, combing my hair, applying lotion, blow drying my hair- I realize I rush through it and just hope I show up presentable. I wasn’t that aware until Matt pointed it out a few times, and I realize it when I’m on a trip with a few other girls and how quickly I’m able to get ready and how little effort I put in. I’ve been taking small but promising changes towards self-care. I’m slowing down during the shower and enjoying my time there more instead of viewing it as task that I just wanna get over with (kinda like how I view washing dishes or doing laundry). In a sense, I’m learning to embrace my feminine side and be okay with the time and effort I spend on myself. I only get one face and body in this lifetime after all.

I’m also translating this onto my hobbies/work out goals. In the past, I’ve focused on results, and wanted results quick. I would work extra hard in the beginning and then burn myself out and then stop altogether. I’ve been listening to a podcast called GeniusBrain. The hosts are Asian American youtube entertainers, and I think they provide a lot of good life advice and insight, while presenting it in a way that is authentic and funny. In one episode, as they talked about fitness, they mentioned that it is very common for people who are new to working out to want to see results quickly. And they described the same thing I went through multiple times. Their advice for someone who was completely sedentary and wanted to become more active was – JUST START WALKING EVERYDAY. Easy enough goal right? I only realized that more important to having big goals was the ability to be disciplined and form habits. My work out endeavors in the past didn’t really work for me, in hindsight, because the routine was too complex for me to absorb. I would follow youtube videos with weight training and cardio, but without the videos, I was at a loss. Maybe around Fall 2019, I started doing a mile run after work. I remember taking like 13 minutes to run a mile, but being so out of breath and lightheaded after I completed it.

In December, I made a goal to do 10k steps at least 5x/week. This is easy to accomplish during a workday, but I don’t track it as much during the weekend. I’ve consistently been taking my two breaks each work day to walk, and my body has significant improvements. Most days (excluding the days when I’m super exhausted from lack of sleep and/or traveling) I run 2+ miles on a treadmill at home. If I have a hours of free time over the weekend, I’ll do 5 miles. This is mindless, as I don’t have to think too much about following a youtube video, but instead I get to run while watching a show, which makes exercising much more bearable and fun. Now when I get home and don’t work out, my body feels weird and craves a workout. I’m happy to have formed a habit!!! I didn’t even run this much when I “trained” for a half marathon a few years ago. I eventually want to incorporate this ten minute muscle toning work out into my routine, but I’ll wait until my running habit has really developed. But my lesson is, doing less consistently is actually more in the long run.

This is the same with drawing. It helps when I am drawing things for other people, as it holds me accountable. At the same time, it is much more fulfilling to draw for a purpose – to bring joy to others. I know that I try harder when I’m drawing for other people than for myself. It’s only been a few weeks so far, but I’ve been drawing more consistently than I ever have since like high school. I think as an adult, hobbies can easily be seen as a waste of time if you’re not it for some monetary or health value, at least IMO. But I think illustration is a valuable skill in the design world, and it’s something I can add to my portfolio. In any case, I think doing something/building on any skill is better than not doing anything at all.

Notable events-

My bro and wife just bought a pretty expensive house in Gardena. They will probably move into it the end of the month. It is by far the nicest/biggest house in our family and they were able to do it with their parents’ help (mostly her parents). There was a joke that Trevor Noah did, about what college degree is the most useful- and the answer is rich/successful parents. I am happy for them. At the same time, I feel like there was no struggle on their part, but kinda leeching off parents. Her parents are still fairly young, so I don’t mind too much, but I get sad seeing that my parents are getting old, and they sacrifice so much just for their child to have a less stressful life. I am happy to know that my parents give what they can “for the next generation”, but they also have firm boundaries.

My grandma has 7 kids, and some send her money every month. Lately, my grandma has been giving me more money than before. She always wants to pay when we eat out, and gives me money every time I go on trips. I used to be uncomfortable accepting it, and always declined it. But now, I understand that it makes her happy that I accept her support. So now I just take it and say thank you. In my perspective, I think she thinks her time left is limited, so she’d rather “invest” in me because it’s more worthwhile.

Also, my SIL told my mom she’s pregnant.

I am leaving to NYC tomorrow! The more I go, the less ideas I have of what to do when planning out our itinerary, but I am just excited to be able to cuddle and give each other tight hugs and be there physically with each other. We had one of our worst fights over the weekend, and it spanned like 4 days, just because our free time doesn’t overlap enough to finish arguing lol. It is funny but it also is a really sucky feeling, because we both end up going to sleep upset and can’t talk about it until after work the next day. I am trying to make light of it now, but I felt pretty depressed going through it. Deep breathing helped. 

I want to document this so I can remember in the future - what happened was during/after night shifts, he just never “bounced back”. I stayed getting not as much attention (which may be the normal amount of communication in some LDRs, but it was a drastic change for me, perhaps because he used to spoil me before). We barely texted, barely got to talk in depth, and he was learning to be more efficient with his time and have more self-care (sleeping early, unwinding more, drinking less coffee) that he came off cold and distant to me. I accepted it as the norm during night shift, but was expecting that he return to “normal” afterwards. Anyway, because I was already in an insecure state of mind due to the perceived difference in behavior, I took it really personally when I was trying to plan out moving in together and he couldn’t give me an estimated timeline. I started feeling like he had some reservations about me that was preventing us from moving forward. His explanation was that - he doesn’t know what program he will be going to (will find out if he gets in on Match day), and doesn’t want to plan ahead because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. I didn’t understand this, because to me I was just talking hypothetically. However, I didn’t really consider how emotionally heavy Match day could be to him. He did work very hard for a decade to get where he is at, and his future is still not guaranteed. So, even though I feel like my life is “on hold”, I can be patient and wait another month to find out. 

Got a pap smear done yesterday. 

Work updates: there was a period of time when things were quite slow for me. I noted in a blog post about how guilty I was feeling, and how odd I felt around my supervisor. I tended to hide in my room and not interact with my supervisor. Thankfully, work is picking up as we are preparing for the incoming and terminating housestaff. I’ve been making a bigger effort to build relationships with people, and interact more with my supervisor.

Edit: these days feel pretty sucky to me. I think I’ve been extra lonely because my best hometown girlfriend has a boyfriend now, and we barely hang out anymore. Although in the grand scheme of things, I am very fortunate. I told my coworkers I was going to NYC this weekend, and one of them responded, “you’re so lucky!”. These days have been more challenging, with more questions of “is it worth it to put up with this relationship” as I’m feeling pretty neglected and unhappy. But I know it’s the combination of things - feeling stagnant with my life, not as challenged at work (although work is sometimes quite enjoyable), not having my close friend around a lot, etc. 

Sometimes I look at how my bro and his wife just lounge and relax and go out on dates. And I think about how that different that is from my life with Matt. Everything between us is fast paced, we are always on the go, and tired. Today, I received notice that I got a speeding ticket in NOLA. I also received a fine from the car rental company. Driving there was stressful and tiring already. I was also a bit salty that I drove the entire trip, and no one offered to help out. This is my first ever speeding ticket and I’d hate to have to pay it fully. This news made me feel shittier. I tried to think of positive things, like that I randomly received a tax refund from 2016, and the check would cover my tickets almost exactly. And another positive thing was that I forgot my iPad on the plane and was able to get it back. Lastly, if these are the things I am sad about, then I have it pretty good. 

Second edit: I realize I feel better when I talk to friends/acquaintances/work friends about things. It helps put my situation into perspective. I was feeling like a victim regarding my parking ticket, but $140 isn’t bad compared to the $300-500 speeding tickets in LA. My work mom just laughed at me saying, you? speeding ticket? HAHAHA congratulations. It reminds me that I do take my life too seriously sometimes. My friends on the trip are also “donating” to this cause, so it also takes the load off and I appreciate it a lot. 

[ranwing]

Kadam Fic: Just Breathe (11/12)

Title: Just Breathe Series: Season Four Remix Pairing(s), Characters(s): Kadam, Kurt Hummel, Adam Crawford, Burt Hummel, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez, Camen Tibideaux, Cassandra July, Blaine Anderson, Sam Evans, Adam’s Apples, Original Characters Rating: PG13 (Rating may change) Genre(s): canon divergence, major lol Klaine and Blaine. Parts: 11/12

Summary: Auditions mean new challenges for Kurt and those around him, forcing him to face both his past and his future.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten

On AO3

The final weeks of the spring semester arrived inauspiciously, deceptive in its air of normalcy. But all too quickly the realities of what the students of NYADA would be facing became apparent and promised to be as insane as Kurt and Rachel had feared. All of their instructors suddenly seemed determined to test how long it would take to break them with the steady escalation of their already difficult demands. Rather than easing into the end of the semester, the pressure was ramped up to levels that neither of them had ever experienced before. Kurt looked over his test schedule in horror when he realized that in a two week period, he would have to survive not only his dance, voice and acting critiques, but all of his written exams as well.

Rachel’s eyes widened in horror when she reviewed her own schedule. “This is impossible,” she moaned. “How do I have my second day of dance on the same day as my theory exam?”

“We’re in the same boat. I’ve got three written tests in one day,” Kurt complained, resigning himself to his fate. “I think we can say goodbye to our free time for the foreseeable future.”

Rachel nodded, giving a small huff of frustration. “And forget about sleep.”

Kurt sighed, offering her a reassuring smile. “We’d be dealing with this no matter where we went to school,” he reminded his friend. “We’ll get through this. This is just us showing what we know we can do.”

Rachel nodded, resigned to her fate. “For you, maybe,” she granted. “But I’m not exactly the teachers’ favorite anymore and they’re going to be looking for me to fail.”

She sighed, looking over her schedule again. “That’s totally my fault. I really screwed myself.”

Kurt wouldn’t insult his friend by trying to disagree with her on that point. Her behavior the past few months had burned through what leniency she could have expected from her teachers. “You’re always your best when you’ve got something to prove,” he asserted. “I think you’re going to surprise a lot of people.”

Rachel looked up at him with a gratified smile, thankful to have his support. “I just wish that I wasn’t so stupid to let it get to this point,” she said repentantly. “But I have no one to blame by myself.”

Kurt knew that trying to deny what both of them knew was the reality that she was facing. If he was completely honest, seeing his friend so completely accepting of her responsibility for her current situation took him a bit by surprise. As did her determination to prove that she did deserve her spot at NYADA. If there was one thing that Kurt knew about his friend was that if she put her mind to something, there was little that could stand in her way.

He took her hand in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “We’re going to get through this,” he promised.

* * *

While they might not seem quite as harried as the younger students, the seniors facing graduation didn’t have it any easier than their younger counterparts did. Senior projects and presentations were all but finished, and the reality of facing life outside the safety of their school was truly starting to sink in as graduation day rapidly approached. Fears about finding gainful employment in one of the most competitive industries imaginable was starting to wear on even the most confident of them.

Adam knew that he was more fortunate than most. With the course of study he’d pursued, he had the potential to find work both on and off the stage. His preference would certainly be to find a job as a performer, but if there were no roles forthcoming he knew that he would be able to find a job on the production side of things. Less glamorous, perhaps, but it would allow him to pay his rent and give him time to build his acting career. Even under the worst of circumstances, he knew that he would be able to manage.

He’d had a bit of good fortune so far in that he had signed with a very good agent. Thomas Reagan might not run the largest agency in the city, but he was selective in the talent that he signed and gave his clients his full attention. He had taken on a number of NYADA graduates over the years, finding them good and consistent work. Adam had been happy to sign with him and was excited to be called in to the office to discuss his prospects.

“Hi Adam,” Mr. Reagan greeted, shaking the younger man’s hand. “Thanks for coming by today. I’ve got some interesting things to discuss with you.”

“Thanks,” Adam said sincerely, taking the offered chair.

“Can I get you a cup of coffee? Tea?”

“No, thank you,” Adam refused politely, having made the mistake of accepting the offer at his first meeting with the agent. Mr. Reagan might be well regarded professionally but capabilities did not extend to brewing a drinkable cup of coffee.

“Well, let’s cut to the chase,” the agent proposed as he sat down at his desk. “The last time we spoke, you mentioned that you’re committed to a summer production if I remember right.”

Adam nodded. “Yes, we start rehearsals right after I graduate and the festival runs through mid-August. I would be free to attend auditions from now through the end of the school term, and then right after the festival closes. Is that an issue?”

The agent considered the schedule and shook his head. “I don’t think so. There are several shows that are holding auditions in the coming couple of weeks that I’d like to send you out for and it’ll give us a chance to test the waters. What I’d like to get a sense of is what kind of roles really interest you. Is there a particular genre you’d prefer, or want to avoid?”

“I’m not inclined to be too fussy,” Adam admitted. “My first priority at this stage is to be working, so I’m not going to turn down anything decent. Off-Broadway and regional theater roles is more than fine if that’s what comes up. I’m thinking that I’d probably do better with straight plays than musicals, but I did take voice training and I think that I could do well with some musicals if the song book isn’t overly ambitious. I’m well aware of my limitations.”

His agent nodded, making a few notes. “I’m going to be sending out your CV to a few producers that have new shows in the works for the upcoming season. There are also some shows that will have replacement spots opening up. Some are chorus spots, but there are also some supporting roles that I think you’d be a nice fit with. A few need an actor that has a good grasp of accents.”

Adam grinned. “Well, I definitely have the British one down fairly well.”

Mr. Reagan chuckled, looking over his list again. “Okay then… I plan to keep you pretty busy for the next few weeks,” he warned. “We’ll be mindful of your school schedule, but I want to get you in front of as many directors as possible. I think that you’re highly marketable and it’s just going to be a matter of getting you in front of the right people at the right time. But I don’t think you have to worry. We’ll be able to get you work.”

“That’s something of a relief,” Adam admitted. “I’ll look forward to hearing from you, then.”

Mr. Reagan smiled and shook Adam’s hand again. “I’ll call you as soon as I’ve got some auditions set up.”

Adam walked out of the office, giving the secretary a cheery wave and felt much better about his employment prospects. It was one thing to think that you yourself had a chance and he knew that he was talent. But it was immensely gratifying and reassuring to have a professional in the business think that you had potential.

Despite his satisfaction at how their meeting had gone, Adam was at heart a realist. He knew that it would take a bit of time to get his career off the ground and find the right role and had to be determined and patient. In the meantime, he had his afternoon Theater Management class to focus on.

He was ready to graduate, he thought to himself as he listened to his professor drone on about the complexities of budgets and managing personnel. Four years of study had thought him a great deal and he was eager to start moving on with his career and start putting what he’d learned into practical action. He loved this school and all of the friends he’d made there, but he’d be the worst liar in the world if he didn’t admit that he was starting to feel a little constrained by the student environment. It was time for him to start moving on.

Once the class was dismissed, Adam gathered his things and set out for his final class of the day, moving through the hallways swarmed with younger students. He felt like a salmon trying to swim upstream as he deftly dodged underclassmen who were rushing to their own lessons. At one time, the crowd of bodies might have annoyed him, but now he could only look on them fondly. He wouldn’t be around to enjoy it much longer.

“Adam!”

He turned at hearing his name to see Mags running down the hallway in his direction, her mohawk flapping behind her. She landed in his arms with the force of a flying cannon ball, forcing him to spin in order to defuse the momentum of her blow and avoid being bowled over.

“Ooph… got you,” he grunted, swinging her about. “What’s got you so excited?”

She looked up at him, her dark eyes shining behind her glasses.”I got it! I got the job!”

His eyes widened in surprise. “You did? That’s bloody marvelous, darling,” he exclaimed, hugging her tightly and swinging her about.

“I didn’t think I would get it,” she insisted, her voice becoming an excited babble. “They’re one of the best production units!”

“I’m so happy for you,” Adam said happily, hugging her again. “You deserve this.”

“There’s only one downside,” Mags warned, worrying her lower lip with her teeth. “I’m going to have to move. The job is in L.A.”

That didn’t come as a total surprise to Adam. Despite there being a thriving film and television industry in New York, he’d known that the odds were fairly high that Mags would have to relocate for her work.

“We were sort of expecting that,” he reminded gently, keeping his arm wrapped about her. “But I wouldn’t exactly call that a downside. To be in a city absolutely overflowing with all kinds of creative people… I think that you’re going to love it there.”

“It is exciting, but I’m going to be all alone there,” she said hesitantly. “All of my friends are here.”

Adam’s smile faltered at the reminder that his best friend would soon be on the other side of the country. “But it will be easier to see your folks,” he reminded, looking for the silver lining for his friend. With Mag’s family on the west coast, she’d only seen them once or twice a year since starting school in New York. “And you never have trouble making new friends. You’ll be fine.”

She gave her friend a tentative smile. “You’re trying very hard to convince me to go through with it,” she accused half-heartedly.

Adam sighed, knowing full well the kind of misgivings she was feeling. To jump without a net to catch you if you faltered was one of the scariest propositions that anyone could face. He’d done that when he left England to seek an education in America. Kurt did that when he’d arrived in New York with nothing more than his ambitions and his dreams.

He pulled her close, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. “Because it’s what you want to do,” he reminded her. “This is your chance and I don’t want to see you let it slip away because you’re afraid that you might lose your friends. Because that is never going to happen.”

She nestled again him, taking a bit of comfort from his presence. “I know. I[m just being silly,” she sighed.

“I do understand,” Adam assured her, not wanting to see her let her doubts hold her back. “But you are going to be amazing there, and I can’t wait to hear all your stories about how crazy Hollywood can be.

“And if you don’t mind me sharing the good news with the rest of the group, we have to plan a proper celebration,” he insisted, pulling her along with him. “Something really spectacular because this deserves it.”

Mags couldn’t help from laughing and nodding in acceptance. “It’s really happening,” she marveled as they walked down the hallway. “Graduation… the real world…”

“Yup… and we’re going to be fine,” he promised.

She looked at him with a sad, winsome smile. “Yes we are. Aren’t we?”

Adam nodded, refusing to give into doubt. The world awaited them outside of NYADA’s walls and it was time for them to face it.

* * *

Cassandra July turned on her heel to face her exhausted class, her eyes glinting dangerously when she saw the limp, flailing mess that was left of her students.

“Okay, listen up!” she demanded, her voice cracking like a whip. “As you all should be well aware of, your final critiques are next week. Over the next two classes, I am going to be evaluating you on all the skills that you were supposed to learn. I’m not going to be correcting you in any way during class. This is all about seeing if you actually know what you’re supposed to be doing and can correct yourself.

“You’re going to be judged on form, timing and body of knowledge. If you don’t know a grant jeté from a grand pilé at this point, don’t bother showing up.”

She looked over her class with the kind of appraisal that a leopard might show a herd of wounded gazelles. “I want to see that I haven’t been wasting my time in this room. The ones who haven’t been practicing all semester are going to be very apparent, so don’t think that you’re going to fool me. Whatever happens next week is completely on you.”

She dismissed them with a curt bark and Rachel felt herself falling back against the barre with an exhausted gasp. She knew that next week was going to be horrible and that realistically there was no way she would be able to convince Ms. July that she was ready to move on to the next level of classes. No matter how well she performed, she knew that she would be found lacking. The best she could hope for was to show enthusiasm and some technical improvement, maybe enough to show that she deserved to be advanced.

Ms. July’s normally harsh criticisms of her efforts had been strangely absent the last few classes. Rachel didn’t know if she could take that as a small sign that she was improving, or if the teacher had simply washed her hands of her problematic student. She knew that Ms. July would not hesitate to flunk her, and she couldn’t afford a failing grade. Not if she wanted to keep her spot at NYADA.

Waiting until the rest of the class retreated to the dressing rooms, Rachel gathered up the shreds of her confidence and approached her teacher carefully. Ms. July was doing some easy stretches to keep her muscles warm for her next class, one of her long legs propped up on the barre.

“Ms. July?” she said with as much poise as she could muster. “Do you have a moment?”

The dance teacher gave a low huff of annoyance. “What is it, Schwimmer? I thought I told you to clear out with the rest of the class. Don’t you have some practice to not bother with?”

Rachel ignored the sting of the harsh reprimand and licked her lips, her mouth suddenly gone try from nervousness. “I was hoping…” She paused, trying to figure out a way to make her request without offending the older woman. “I know that it’s probably a little late, but I was hoping you might have some advice… or help… Something so I can do better next week?”

Ms. July gave her a long, penetrating stare, as if weighting out the sincerity of her appeal. “You’re joking, right? Don’t you think it’s a little later for you to be asking for help?” she finally demanded, not bothering to hide her frustration.

“Ms. July…”

The older woman shook her head in bewilderment, cutting her off. “You had months to ask me for help,” she reminded bluntly. “Months! I’ve been telling you for the longest time that you weren’t measuring up. I warned you weeks ago that weren’t going to pass. Why did you wait until right before your critique to ask me about what you could do?”

Rachel felt herself whither a bit inside at the admonishment, knowing full well that Ms. July was right. “I know that I should have asked earlier, but I wasn’t ready to ask for help,” she admitted. “The past few weeks… it’s obvious that I took at lot of things for granted and I wasn’t giving my education the attention that it deserved.”

“You acted like a spoiled brat,” Ms. July corrected bluntly, not hiding the distain in her voice. “You spent your entire time in my class more interested in being proven right than actually learning anything.”

Rachel felt her stomach clench uncomfortably at the harsh reproach, but she couldn’t deny what her teacher was accusing her of. If she had any hope of salvaging the semester, she had to get Ms. July to see sincere her contrition was.

“You’re right,” she said honestly. “My behavior was inexcusable. I let my ego get the best of me and I didn’t give you the effort that you deserved from me. But I promise that I did learn from you! I’m a much better dancer than I was before I came here.”

“Oh really? Then give me a double turn,” Ms. July demanded, stepping back to give Rachel room. “On the right lead.”

Rachel hesitated, knowing that her teacher was setting her up to fail and not wanting to just walk into a trap.

“Go on,” Ms. July snapped. “Or are you just wasting more of my time?”

She inhaled and stepped forward, balancing on the ball of her right foot and pushed off with her left leg with enough momentum to get two spins out if it. She tried to keep her left leg tucked up and her right leg straight as she completed the two rotations, coming to a halt with just a trace of a wobble. It wasn’t terrible, but she knew that there was no way that Ms. July would be satisfied with her form.

The teacher shook her head in annoyance, her patience clearly at and end. “You don’t even see what you’re doing wrong! Your hips weren’t level and you didn’t even try to spot…” She gave an exasperated grunt, gesturing at Rachel’s body. “You’re dancing like you never stepped foot in my class and these are just the basics! I don’t have three months to show you what you should have been learning all along!”

Rachel sighed in dejection, realizing just how deep the a hole she’d dug herself into. “But I know I can catch up,” she insisted, desperately hoping to convince Ms. July of her sincerity. “I promise that I’ll work extra hard next semester. You don’t need to hold me back.”

The older woman shook her head. “Berry, if you think that next semester will be any easier, you’re just kidding yourself. The next classes are all about building on what you were supposed to learn here. If you don’t have these basics down, you’ll never be able to keep up. You’d just end up falling further behind.”

She picked up her hand towel and patted the back of her neck with it, staring at the younger woman with a look of bemused frustration. “Look… just practice your basics,” she advised. “It’s not going to transform you into a dancer, but let’s see what you actually learned. I’ll give you an impartial and thorough critique and we’ll figure out where you go from there.”

Rachel could only watch as her teacher stalked out of the dance studio, leaving her to ponder just how she could possibly fix what she had so carelessly messed up. To be honest, Ms. July had been a lot fairer than she had any right to expect after how she’d behaved. It was mortifying when she thought back to how disrespectful she had been and while the insults still grated, she had no one to blame for her lack of advancement but herself.

Her only hope now was to do her best and pray that it would be enough. And if she did fail, that she would be able to show her willingness to learn from her mistakes and that she deserved one more chance. She could do better… she had to…

* * *

Madam Tibideaux looked over the expectant faces of her students, already making mental judgments over which of them might not be there in the fall. There were one or two that she wouldn’t be surprised to see to drop out, worn down by the rigorous demands that would only get harder as they continued their education. And there were a few that she might very well end up failing if they didn’t suitably impress her during their critiques.

She leaned back against her desk, wondering who might surprise her in the end. “So here we are,” she pronounced. “The final weeks of the school year. You’ve all given me a great deal to think of in regards to your development and this critique will be your final exam that shows me what you’ve truly learned in this room.”

She paused, cocking her head thoughtfully. “I’ve given a great deal of reflection as to what I wanted to consider and how best to test for it. You all have unique talents and unique weaknesses and having you perform a single song will only show me so much. So what I’ve got in mind is going to be a real test of your abilities.”

She smiled at the low murmur coming from her students as they digested what she was telling them. Several of them looked concerned, others merely curious at what she was proposing. Time for her to lower the boom.

“You won’t be singing one song,” she warned. “You’ll be singing three.”

She paused, letting her students wince and groan at the pronouncement. “Yes, I know… I know you weren’t expecting it and it’s a lot to manage in a relatively short period of time. Which is why it’s an ideal challenge for you. This is going to give you all the opportunity to show me who you are as performers. You’re going to need to select material from a variety of genres that will show all that you are capable of as singers. You will need sound technique to perform three pieces back to back without strain or a loss in vocal quality.

“This is also where your knowledge of music and your originality will come into play. Where you will really get to show me how you see yourselves as artists. I want to see an interesting assortment of songs from each of you. You’re going to have the freedom to sing whatever you believe will show your voice and your artistry to its best advantage. I want to see your hearts and your spirits; not just your voices.”

She offered her class a soft smile, softening the blow a bit. “Choose your material carefully. We’re going to see what kind of performers you’ve matured into.”

She dismissed the class with a reminder that they had only a week to figure out their material, sweeping out of the room and leaving confusion and worries in her wake. Rachel looked to Kurt, her confusion evident on her face.

“Three songs?” she moaned. “On top of our other critiques? That’s impossible.”

Kurt pursed his lips and nodded thoughtfully. None of them had anticipated having to prepare additional songs and had been caught nearly completely unprepared.“It’s going to be a major challenge. And she’s not giving us guidelines on material, so that could be a big advantage or a trap if we pick wrong.”

Analisa was sitting on Kurt’s other side and looked over her notes. “This really does leave a lot of potential for screwing up. We know how picky she is about material that she doesn’t think is up to snuff.”

“Material is just one thing we have to worry about,” Jamie McLean mused. “She wants to see us, so we’ve got to really translate whatever we choose well. This is going to be tough.”

Katya looked over her notes and sighed. “And she’s going to want to see something different from us. If we just do what we’ve been doing all semester, that’s going to kill us.”

Kurt just nodded, considering the challenge that lay before them. He’d had some ideas about what songs he would choose from, but now with the demand for multiple pieces, he had to seriously reconsider his options.

He looked to his friends and classmates with a determined glint in his eyes. “I think we need to consider our songs as a whole and how they work together. What we pick has to show her that we can handle all kinds of material. Something up tempo, and then something more dramatic... We give her a show and not just a random collection of songs.”

Analisa nodded. “That would impress her,” she stated confidently. “The question is how we do it.”

“And we’ve only got a week to figure it out,” Rachel reminded.

Jamie couldn’t help laughing ruefully. “No pressure then.”

Kurt knew that they didn’t have a lot of time to figure this out. “I think we should get together and brainstorm,” he suggested. “We’ve been listening to one another sing for months now and we know what we can do and what she expects from us. Let’s get together this afternoon and run some ideas by one another.”

Rachel turned a thankful stare to her friend, grateful for the chance to get another perspective. “That’s a great idea. I’m in.”

Analisa nodded. “I’ll be done by five. We can meet at the diner around the corner.”

Jamie clapped his hands. “Okay then. After class at the diner for brainstorming and burgers. Sounds like a plan.”

Kurt grinned and grasped Rachel’s hand in his. “We’ve got this,” he said confidently. “We’re going to knock her brocade socks off.”

Rachel couldn’t help from getting swept along by their clear self-assurance. And she was admittedly grateful to have some people to run some ideas by. Usually she kept her own council about what she would want to perform, but that clearly hadn’t been working for her as of late. She had never felt so uncertain about her prospects and the input of those who’s abilities she respected would only help her.

And for the first time since setting foot in NYADA, she didn’t feel like she was surrounded by nothing but competition. These were people who could possibly help her, offering insights and suggestions that might help her performances. She could offer her own input that might help them.

And she wanted to help them. Kurt was her dearest friend, and she genuinely wanted to see him do well. But she was surprised that she also wanted to see if she could help Analisa and the others. She had so few friends and she did respect these singers. Maybe they could end up being more than cordial classmates and potential rivals for roles.

It had been increasingly clear to Rachel that she needed to make a change in how she approached things and how she treated her peers, and this seemed a perfect place to start.

* * *

Four hours would decide the fate of her students, Cassandra considered as she watched her morning students start their warm up exercises. Even before the testing officially began, it was apparent who had been practicing all along and who was struggling. Some things could be faked by following choreography, but not the foundations of flexibility or a strong core. The students who were able to pull in their abdomens to provide support and the ones who could stretch deeply at the barre stood out strongly from those who couldn’t. The ones who had good balance in their turns were evident, as were the ones whose form was lacking.

After having watched this lot for several months now, she doubted that the critique would change her opinions of her students very much. Those who were putting in the work had been readily apparent all along and she would reward those that she felt could survive the next levels. The rest would wash out. It wasn’t something that a single showing would change, one way or another.

As the piano played, she called out instructions to the students, ordering them to form lines and start showing what skills they’d managed to learn. Cassandra’s smile became shark-like when she considered that the lack of her customary insults and criticisms would likely be disconcerting to the class. It was one thing to get corrections, however harshly delivered, since it was all meant to help those who invested to improve. It was another to know that you were possibly making mistakes and know that while it wasn’t being called out, it was still being seen.

Her eyes narrowed when they fixed on Schwimmer and her patently pathetic attempts. The flaws in her form were obvious. She had limited flexibility and the bending of her spine certainly indicated that her strength was not what it should be after nearly a full year of work. When the order was called out to perform an arabesque, her leg was not raised nearly high or straight enough.

But Cassandra would have to acknowledge that she was trying and giving a lot more effort than she had all semester. Rather than complaining or trying to sneak in breaks for herself, she was throwing herself into the exercises and giving the kind of effort that her teacher had wanted to see all along. It was frustrating to see this kind of a late surge of interest, and a surge borne out only because she had failed to get the starring role she’d sought.

It wasn’t her way to reward bad behavior, and Berry showing newfound investment in her schooling strictly because she didn’t win a part just rubbed the teacher in her the wrong way. Cassandra wanted students who genuinely wanted to learn, and she was seeing nothing more than Berry’s determination to salvage what was left of her chances at NYADA.

When the class began to wind down, she ordered the students back to the barre to start their cool down exercises, and watched as Berry all but stumbled in exhaustion. Her endurance was clearly lacking and Cassandra knew that she had every legitimate reason to fail her outright.

Cassandra jotted down her notes, her observations confirming what she’d expected. There were a few in the group that had potential to become competent dancers and would survive moving on to the intermediate classes, but most were going to have to repeat. It was frustrating to her as a teacher not to have more with natural affinity for dance. Or at least a real desire to learn and not just pass enough to fulfill the course requirements.

She glanced up from her notes, seeing that the group had finished with their cool downs. “That’s it for today,” she said curtly, but lacking her usual sharpness. There was no need for that at this point. “Hit the showers. We’ll finish next session.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Berry inhale deeply and step back from the barre. The young girl looked a bit dejected over what she had to know was a poor showing, Cassandra considered. But her demeanor was a little bit different this time around. There wasn’t the sullenness that she usually saw when calling out Berry on her subpar dancing. The set of her jaw implied determination and willingness to muscle through, but not the sense of entitlement that Cassandra was accustomed to seeing from her. Rather than rushing to the showers, happy that the ordeal was over, she paused to try a step or two while she still had access to the room and the mirror. She watched herself, trying to see where she had gone wrong.

Cassandra snorted in distain, thinking to herself that the girl was wasting her time trying to practice at this late stage. But at least Berry was recognizing that she sucked. That was a far cry from her usual “I’ve been in dance classes since I was in diapers” boasting.

The dance teacher watched her for another moment, seeing her making the effort to push herself and knew that she had some thinking to do. She wasn’t going to change her opinion in regards to Berry’s grades, but that didn’t mean that there weren’t some things that needed to be considered.

* * *

The loft, thankfully, was quiet and gave Kurt and Rachel badly needed time to review their classroom notes and work on their presentations for their vocal critiques. With Santana out at work and Adam busy with his own final exams, the pair had some precious hours to get their work done without distraction.

“Have you finalized your songs yet?” she asked, reaching for the bowl of popcorn at her side. Something about all this work was stimulating her appetite in the worst way and she was grateful that she and Kurt had planned to keep some safe snacks within easy reach; otherwise both of them would be paying for it afterwards.

Kurt shook his head, not bothering to hide his exasperation. “Not really. I’ve got a bunch of ideas but I don’t want to give her what she’s already seen from me,” he explained. “She knows that I can sing emotionally and that I can be a showman. I’m not sure what I can do that will really surprise her.”

Rachel just smiled, popping a kernel into her mouth. “You’ve got to show her that you can do both at the same time. An emotional song doesn’t need to be introspective and gentle. Your voice has gotten a lot stronger, so pull out all the stops.”

Kurt considered the idea, his expressive face betraying his concern. “I’m not a huge belter,” he reminded. “I mean, I’m a lot better, but…”

“No,” she corrected insistently. “Kurt, you are one of the best singers that I’ve ever heard in my life. Your voice is beautiful and strong and there is nothing that you can’t sing. Don’t hold back because you think that your technique isn’t as strong as mine, because you know as well as I do that I focus too much on technique. You’ve got tremendous soul when you sing and you need to let that just fly.”

She smiled and took his hand in his, for once being glad to be in the position to be supportive and reassuring. “This whole thing is about us showing who we are as artists, and that is the one thing that I always felt about you. You know who you are as an artist better than anyone I know. Everything you sing is full of emotion and heart and you’ve got the skill now to really show that off.”

Kurt looked up at her, not bothering to hide his uncertainty. “So it’s time to take off the training wheels?” he joked half-heartedly.

“Go big or go home,” she insisted.

Kurt bit his lip and nodded. “I’ve got a few things that I was considering but wasn’t sure if I could pull it off.”

Rachel gave him an encouraging smile. “There is nothing that you can’t pull off. I’ve heard you sing things that have completely blown me away because I would never have expected them to come out of you. It’s time that Madam Tibideaux saw that too.”

“Do you know what you’re singing?” Kurt asked, stealing some of Rachel’s popcorn.

She felt her cheeks warm when she thought about what he might think about her choices and nodded. “I know that my weak spot has been really letting emotion come out while staying in character so that’s what I’m going to focus on. That I can keep my technique and still show my heart.”

Kurt couldn’t help from smiling at his friend. “Now it’ll be your turn to make us cry,” he proposed.

Rachel laughed, cuddling against Kurt and closed her eyes so she could savor his presence while she could. There would come a time when she would not be able to enjoy having him so close by and she wanted him to know that he meant so much to her. He was going to be very surprised when he heard her song choices.

Her phone chimed, indicating that she had just gotten a text message. But it was on the other side of their coffee table and she was reluctant to relinquish her hold on her friend. Reaching out with her bare foot, she managed to nudge it enough that she was able to reach it.

Her eyes widened when she saw the message and handed the phone to Kurt. “I think you’re going to want to see this. It’s from Blaine.”

Kurt snorted. “He’s the last person that I want to see anything from,” he reminded her. Blocking Blaine’s number had saved him a lot of aggravation.

“Oh, this you’re going to want to see.”

Sighing in exasperation, Kurt took the phone and looked at the message on the screen.

You can tell Kurt that I didn’t get in. That should make him happy.

* * *

“I’m not going to lie,” Adam admitted, sipping at his tea as they snuggled on Kurt’s sofa. They had a few hours to catch up with one another in between their final exams and grasped at it eagerly. “That is something of a relief. I’m glad that you’re not going to have to deal with him next year.”

Kurt nodded, not bothering to hide that he was relieved as well. “Well, I talked to Sam after we got the message. He didn’t get into any of his New York schools. But he did get into the music program at UCLA, so he’s going to be all the way on the other side of the country.”

Adam couldn’t help from smiling in contentment. The thought of Kurt’s frustrating ex thousands of miles away definitely made Adam a lot happier.

Kurt didn’t miss the pleased expression on his boyfriend’s face. “You look way too satisfied over this,” he admonished playfully. “That’s not very nice.”

No, it wasn’t, Adam acknowledged to himself. That didn’t mean that he felt badly about it. “I’m not going to feel guilty about him not being in a position to harass you,” he insisted. “Especially when I’m not around to run interference.”

Kurt just shook his head, tempted to scold his boyfriend. But it wasn’t as if he hadn’t thought the exact same things when he’d first heard the news.

“Am I a terrible person for being glad that he didn’t get in?” he asked. “I never thought that I’d take pleasure in someone else’s misfortune.”

Adam cocked his head, gazing down on Kurt thoughtfully. “Darling, you shouldn’t feel guilty about being glad that you’re not going to have him pestering you all the time. You deserve a bit of peace. And after how he treated you, he doesn’t deserve your regrets.”

Kurt couldn’t hold back the soft smile that broke through. His boyfriend’s support never failed to make him feel at ease. “Thank you for the reminder of why I love you,” he said softly, kissing the older man warmly.

Adam smiled back, his blue eyes crinkling. “Any time, love. How are finals going?”

Kurt sighed at the unwanted reminder of what he was in the midst of. “Most of my written exams are done, thankfully. I’ve only got one more,” he mused. “I did my first day of dance and I’m still alive, so there’s that. I’ve got the final day of dance on Thursday and then all day Friday is vocals.”

“I wish that I could be there,” Adam said regretfully. “You know I love watching you perform. It’s highly unfair of your Madam to do it behind closed doors.”

Kurt shrugged. “I’d love to have you there, but I don’t see any way of sneaking you in.”

“I’m just teasing, love. I know this exam is important to you. But they are making video copies, right?”

The younger man nodded. “So I can have it for my portfolio. And with these songs, I’m either going to want to keep them forever or erase every copy I can get my hands on.”

At Adam’s quizzical look, Kurt went on to explain. “I’m doing a few songs that aren’t like anything I’ve ever done before. Things from more modern musicals with rock elements. It’s not exactly what I’m known for.”

Adam pursed his lips as he considered Kurt’s selections. “But you’ve sung rock numbers with us numerous times. It’s not exactly out of your wheelhouse.”

“It’s one thing to do it for fun, but I’ve never doing anything like that for a class assignment. I’ve never been judged on it,” Kurt explained. “I need to show Madam Tibideaux that I’ve grown in my technique and can use the kind of vocal power that someone like Rachel does so easily. And do it while still keeping the emotional soul of the song.”

“Now you make me want to sneak in even more,” Adam teased. “Darling… you are going to be amazing. Because you always are. I have no doubt that you will impress her beyond words.”

Kurt couldn’t help from feeling flattered by his lover’s effuse praise. “Your bias is showing again,” he teased playfully.

Adam laughed brightly, not bothering to hide his affection. “Always and forever,” he promised. He pulled Kurt’s hand up to press a warm kiss to his fingers, earning a deep flush on the younger man’s face.

“But in all seriousness… how are you going to sneak me in so I can see you sing? Because I don’t believe I’d fit into any of Rachel’s dresses,” Adam joked.

“Pity… you’ve got better legs.”

* * *

“All right… first group on the line!” Cassandra called out.

Rachel hurried to take her place, forcing herself not to mentally bemoan that as one of the shortest people in the class, she would be standing in the front where she would be readily seen. There would be no opportunity to hide in the background and hope that her mistakes would be missed. She found her mark and quickly fell into the starting pose for the choreography they were to perform.

It was almost over, she thought thankfully. One last test and her critique would be over. It was all that she could hope that she would have suitably impressed her teacher enough to save herself from a failing grade.

The choreography was a lot more complex than she was usually called up to do, and the rhythm was fast which meant that a single error would put her behind the beat and be nearly impossible to catch up. There was so much to remember, so many steps and turns and it was hard to keep track of what she needed to do at what point. Pirouettes that suddenly stopped and then resumed in the opposite direction. Leaps that would send her to the floor and then a roll to bring her up to her knees. Lunges into tilts that she strained to hold position on.

Hitch kicks lead into pique turns, then a pas de chat. It was like Ms. July was squeezing every possible dance move into a single piece, yet somehow it came out as coherent choreography. Rachel tried to keep her turnout in mind, knowing that how she did the moves was as important as what she did.

All the while, Ms. July watched the group’s every move critically and made her notes.

The music brought them back to their starting places, Rachel finishing in a kneeling position, arching her back. She felt her chest heaving, nearly gasping for breath from the strain of keeping up with the other dancers. She felt her teacher’s sharp eyes moving over them, looking for flaws.

At any other time, there would be harsh criticisms of their forms, or at least one of them being called out for being behind the beat. Instead they had just a few seconds to regain their breath as their teacher checked their forms, and then dismissed them so the next group could perform.

It was the not knowing that was the worst, Rachel thought as she retreated to the other side of the room where she could recover and watch the others. So many of them were clearly struggling and she wasn’t sure if it felt better knowing that she wasn’t alone, or worse in that she might not have been able to improve enough to stand apart in a positive light. Not knowing she had performed bothered her more than anything else.

Once the last group was finished, Ms. July ordered them to the barre. “Do your cool downs and then you can leave,” she ordered curtly, gathering up the notes she’d been making. “You’ll have your grades next week. If you have any questions about how you did, wait until your grades are posted.”

Rachel fought back the impulse to approach her and get an evaluation on the spot, knowing that it would only offend her teacher and probably get her flunked just on principle. She had done everything she could at this point and now it would just be a matter of waiting. She just hoped that it had been enough.

* * *

Kurt arrived to the Round Room an hour before the vocal critiques were scheduled to begin, needing to have a chance to see the space again and center himself. The musicians were busy setting up, preparing to provide accompaniment for the students that would be performing, and the tech team was setting up the cameras for recording. The room still had an air of grandeur despite the fact that it would be used only for student critiques and there would be no admiring audience. But the acoustics would be fantastic.

He had only been in this room once before, the night of the Winter Showcase. That night he’d been caught totally unprepared when Madam Tibideaux publicly challenged him to prove that he deserved the place at NYADA that he aspired to. He must have given her what she’s been looking for and what he hadn’t shown before since he was now standing in that same room, preparing to be judged again.

This time, he wasn’t at all anxious. He had proven that he had what it took to be there and found himself being challenged and nurtured in a way that he’d never experienced before. This wasn’t an exercise designed to cut him down the way he’d been so many times before. There would be criticism to be sure, but it was to see how much he’d progressed and what he needed to focus on in the future.

Despite the fact that he’d be singing material unlike he’d ever dared take on before, he felt none of the pre-performance jitters that he’d felt in the past. Instead he was rather excited about the prospect. Kurt thought that he’d picked songs that would show how much his voice had improved over the past few months and that he had evolved as a performer. That he had undiscovered depths that he was just beginning to display.

His choice of outfits for the critique surprised Rachel because it looked on the surface as if he hadn’t put any thought into it at all. But he’d in truth selected the cream colored Henley and dark wash jeans with considerable care. It would fit each of the songs he’d chosen and let the evolution of his character shine through. Around his neck, he wore one of Adam’s necklaces; placed there by his boyfriend for luck.

While things were still quiet, he took a moment to walk across the stage and get a feel for it. Facing the chairs arranged about the room, Kurt considered that the last time he’d sung in this room, the chairs were filled with NYADA alumni and theater luminaries. Today it would just be his teacher and his classmates. Piece of cake, he thought.

As the other students slowly began to file in, taking their seats and making their own mental preparations, Kurt felt that he could relax. He was looking forward to showing what he was able to do and share this with his friends and peers.

Rachel took a seat next to Kurt and looked lovely in a pale blue dress that lent her a softer, more ethereal presence than she’d been adopting the past few months. She looked to him, the smile on her face tender and seeming to express a sense of peace that Kurt could never remember seeing from her before. Now that it seemed that Rachel had finally stop constantly trying to defend her self-imagined sense of superiority all the time, she seemed far more at ease with herself than Kurt could remember her being in a very long time.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly, not wanting to draw attention to them.

She just smiled and nodded. “I really am,” she insisted gently. “I’m kind of looking forward to this.”

“Me too,” he admitted without a trace of uncertainty. He took her hand in his, giving her a reassuring squeeze.

He felt her slide closer to him, enough so that she could rest her head on his shoulder. “I know that a lot of things haven’t turned out quite the way we planned,” she admitted. “But there is absolutely no one that I’d rather be doing this with than you.”

Kurt felt his chest tighten at her softly spoken admission, seeing again why he loved his friend so much. And despite all their drama of the past year, he thought that they’d finally reached a good place.

When Madam Tibideaux arrived, the entire class had assembled and taken their seats and the musicians were finishing their tune ups. She looked resplendent in her red and gold brocade robes as she took her place before them, the patterns bringing to Kurt’s mind the burning plumage of a phoenix. He wondered if that was a good omen for them.

“Good morning all,” she greeted cordially, the expression on her normally stern face surprisingly relaxed given the occasion. “And welcome to your spring critique. When you all first arrived at NYADA, you came with certain gifts and certain weaknesses. Over the past months, we’ve explored your abilities and challenged you. What I hope to see today is the summation of your development.

“Before you sing, I would like to hear what your time at NYADA has meant for you and how it influenced your material and your artistic choices. As I explained previously, you will be judged on all aspects of your performance and if it shows your overall development. So good luck to you all, and I’m looking forward to seeing what you’ve chosen to show me.”

She took her seat before the stage and opened her notebook so she could make her notes. Without further ado, the first of them was called to the stage.

Kurt tried to give his classmates the attention that they deserved, wanting to see what they had come up with. Madam Tibideaux was calling them in alphabetical order, so Rachel would be going up shortly. He reached over to give her hand another reassuring squeeze, wanting her to know that he was there for her. Her small hand squeezed, letting him know that his unspoken message had been received and reciprocated.

Once the first student had finished to his classmates’ enthusiastic applause, Madam Tibideaux nodded her approval and called for the next student to take the stage.

“Ms. Berry… if you’re ready.”

Rachel’s eyes flickered to Kurt, seeing his encouraging smile and took a deep steadying breath. Giving his hand another squeeze, she rose to her feet and stepped confidently to the stage where she faced her teacher.

“Thank you, Madam,” she said sincerely. She looked to her teacher, who was looking at her expectantly. There were so many things that she wanted to say, to try to explain what had been cycling in her head the past few weeks. So much had changed for her and it was hard to put it to words.

“To be honest, my time here at NYADA hasn’t turned out the way I’d expected,” she admitted. “I took a lot of things for granted and made mistakes. And it’s not exactly a secret that I’ve had my disappointments. But I want to think that I’m going to be a better performer because of that. That maybe I can open up more, and find something more than just my voice to show.

“The songs I’ve chosen are about my journey here. I hope that they reflect both the person that I was and who I hope to be.”

She turned to nod at the musicians, cuing them to start and a bright flute began the overture. Rachel was sure that the piece was readily recognizable to her classmates, and they might be surprised by her choice. If there was a character from this musical that she was expected to gravitate towards, they probably expected it to be Laurey Williams.

“It ain't so much a question of not knowin' what to do,” Rachel began, her voice taking on a slight twang. “I've know'd what's right and wrong since I've been ten! I've heard a lot of stories, and I reckon they are true. About how girls are put upon by men.”

“I know I mustn't fall into the pit. But when I'm with a feller.....I furgit!”

It had been hard for her to admit her mistakes, because she should have known better. But it had been so easy for her to be lead astray. Whether because someone was flattering her, or her own ego getting in the way. Ado Annie seemed to speak to that part of her and made picking this song uncomfortably easy.

“I'm just a girl who can’t say no,” she sang as the tempo picked up. She looked at her audience with a perplexed expression, hoping that she could find the answers here. “I'm in a terrible fix! I always say ‘come on, let's go’! Just when I oughta say nix!”

How true that was for her, she realized. That had been a hard admission to realize. How often she did what she knew was detrimental to herself and her goals, all because she hadn’t been able to control her impulses.

She stepped across the stage, her skirt swirling about her legs as she moved. “When a person tries to kiss a girl, I know she oughta give his face a smack.” She raised her hand and pretended to hit her unseen suitor, but then seemed to wilt as her determination waned. “But as soon as someone kisses me, I somehow, sorta, wanta kiss him back!”

She could see a few smiles coming from her classmates, and there was a chuckle here and there. She gave a dramatic huff and shook her head, taking of a self-deprecating demeanor that felt surprisingly honest.

“I'm just a fool when lights are low,” Rachel trilled, admitting to her flaws and failings. It felt surprisingly freeing to having those flaws acknowledged by those around her, but not judged. “I can’t be prissy and quaint. I ain't the type that can faint. How can I be what I ain't? I can’t say no!”

She stamped her foot, taking ownership of her flaws. She knew that she could be flighty and distracted, and then so painfully single-minded that she missed the important details.

“Whatcha gonna to do when a feller gets flirty, and starts to talk purty?” she asked her audience, pretending that they were Laurey in the scene with her. “Whatcha gonna do? Sposin’ that he says that your lips are like cherries, or roses, or berries? Whatcha goin' to do?

“Sposin' that he says that you're sweeter 'n cream, and he's gotta have cream or die? Whatcha goin' to do when he talks that way? Spit in his eye?”

She thought back to those two jerks that had latched onto her after the Winter Showcase and then abandoned her after Midnight Madness. She had let them use her, attached herself to her coattails in an attempt to elevate themselves and shut out her best friend in the process. She had fallen so easily to their empty flattery and it put her in a terrible hole that she was still digging herself out of.

“I'm just a girl who can’t say no. Kissin's my favorite food,” she acknowledged, drawing herself up with determination. Now that she knew her flaws, she could guard against the damage they could do. “With or without the mistletoe, I’m in a holiday mood. Other girls are coy and hard to catch, but other girls ain’t havin’ any fun. Every time I lose a wrestling match, I have a funny feeling that I won.”

That was the most surprising thing for her and the oddest discovery. She’d been crushed by the disappointments of the past months, but found it strangely freeing. She found herself letting go of a lot of what she expected… no, demanded for herself and was now able to embrace what life threw at her.

“Though I can feel the undertone, I never make a complaint,” she acknowledged ruefully, thinking about Annie’s mistakes. How she kept chasing after the wrong man while missing that the perfect man had been right under her nose the entire time. She was more like Annie than she would ever have believed. “Till it’s too late for restraint. Then when I want to, I can’t! I can’t say no!”

She finished with a stamp of her foot and a shake of her hair. She wasn’t going to apologize for being a flawed human being who just wanted too much. Not when she wanted to be a kinder, more thoughtful person in the end.

Her eyes flickered to Kurt, who was grinning widely at her performance and gave her a subtle thumbs up. She paused for a second to regroup as the music shifted, the bright tones shifted to something much softer and more somber. Her goal with her second song was to be a recognition of her mistakes and what they’d cost her.

“Isn’t it rich?” Rachel voice was soft, drifting on the gentle notes of the flute and piano accompanying her. She’s remembered that Kurt loved her voice best during her more gentle performances, and it wasn’t as if Madam Tibideaux didn’t already know that she had tremendous vocal power at her disposal. She wanted to give a more heartfelt performance and show another side of herself.

“Are we a pair? Me here, at last, on the ground. You in mid-air. Send in the clowns.”

Kurt would never know how much Rachel looked up to him. To his strength and dignity and how he overcame hardship. She so often was ready to crumble at the least setback and sometimes felt shamed when comparing herself to Kurt’s example.

“Isn’t it bliss?” Rachel asked, her eyes softening when she thought about just how blessed she had been and didn’t appreciate. “Don’t you approve? One who keeps tearing around. One who can’t move. Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns.”

This song was dangerous for her, because it had been covered so many times, and by some of her favorite idols. Copying them even a little bit would ruin what she was trying to accomplish. She remembered what she had been told. She couldn’t be Judy or Barbra or any of the others. She had to be Rachel.

She felt her vision waver as she blinked back tears that had welled up unbidden. She felt so vulnerable there, bearing her soul in a way that she’d always been afraid to.

“Just when I’d stopped opening doors. Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,” she sang, keeping her tone bright and pure and avoiding the vocal tricks she’d often employed to show emotion. “Making my entrance again with my usual flair. Sure of my lines. No one is there.”

The character from A Light Night Music was an actress who could hide behind artifice, but here she was laying her heart out for the man that she loved. Rachel felt herself doing the same, wanting her audience to see all of her frailties and hopes and fears.

“Don’t you love farce?” she asked plaintively. “My fault, I fear. I thought that you’d want what I want. Sorry, my dear.

“But where are the clowns? There ought to be clowns. Quick! Send in the clowns.”

One of the criticisms that had been hard for her to hear was her habit of hiding herself as a performer by mimicking her idols. Putting herself out there, with a song so well known and so often covered and making it her own was a self-imposed challenge that she needed to do.

She couldn’t help from glancing at Madam Tibideaux, who was watching her closely. Her expression was coolly intent as she watched her student, betraying nothing of her thoughts. The only time the dean looked away was to make her notes.

Rachel sighed, as the song began to glide to its conclusion, where her character faced heartbreak and disappointment. She’d had her heart broken several times in the past months. With Finn, who she now saw as being so very wise in ending things. With Funny Girl, where she now recognized just how unprepared and arrogant she had been. And with NYADA, where her view of herself had been challenged and broken.

“What a surprise. Who could foresee?” Rachel sang, keeping her voice restrained to show the heartbreak that her character was feeling. “I’d come to feel about you what you felt about me. Why only now, when I see that you’ve drifted away? What a surprise. What a cliché.”

Rachel wrapped her arms about herself, as if trying to comfort herself because the one that she wanted to comfort her wouldn’t. Her lower lip trembled and she fought to keep her voice steady.

“Isn’t it right? Isn’t it queer?” she asked. “Losing my timing this late in my career. And where are the clowns? Quick, send in the clowns.

“Don’t bother… they’re here,” she breathed, feeling a tear escaping her eye.

She could hear the applause of her classmates who seemed genuinely moved by what she had shown them. Her gaze flew to the one whose opinion meant the most to her, even beyond Madam Tibideaux’s. Kurt’s eyes were shimmering and there was a familiar tightness to his mouth that betrayed his efforts to keep his own emotions in check.

Rachel offered him a soft smile as the music for her final song began to fill the room. His lips twitched when he recognized the piece and he saw Rachel’s demeanor shift again, from regretful to wistful.

“There’s a saying old, says that love is blind.” Rachel’s voice soared softly, elegant in its restraint and gentle in its power. “Still we’re often told, seek and ye shall find. So I’m going to seek a certain lad I’ve had in mind.”

She smiled warmly at Kurt, marveling that despite everything that they’d both been through that he was still there for her.

“Looking everywhere, haven’t found him yet,” Rachel crooned, letting her love for her friend shine through. “He’s the big affair I cannot forget. Only man I ever think of with regret.”

She had regrets when it came to Kurt. He had stood by her side and supported her well past the point that any rational person would have reached their limits. Rachel knew that she hadn’t treated him well, often taking his care for granted and not showing him the kind of love that he had shown her.

“I’d like to add his initial to my monogram,” Rachel sang dreamily. “Tell me where s the shepherd for this lost lamb?”

She looked to her friend, the expression on her face one of love and longing. “There’s a somebody that I’m longing to see. I hope that he turns out to be someone who’ll watch over me.”

Rachel closed her eyes and held out her arms, as if dreaming of her future love. But the true focus of her love was sitting right there and she very much wanted him to know just how much he meant to her. Rachel knew without a doubt that if she were a man or if Kurt were straight, that they probably would be engaged by now since there was no one who understood her better. Who she was and what she really needed, not just what she wanted.

“I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood. I know I could, always be good,” she promised, thinking of all the times she’d fallen short. The numerous times when she’d abused their friendship and not shown her appreciation for all that he did. That Kurt continued to forgive her spoke more about him than it did about her. “To the one who’ll watch over me.

“Although he may not be the man some girls think as handsome,” Rachel sang longingly, thinking how absurd that was. Kurt was beautiful and strong and so worthy of love and admiration. “To my heart he carries the key.

“Won’t you tell me, please put on some speed? Follow my lead. Oh, how I need someone to watch over me.”

And that was what it all boiled down to. There was no one who had supported her the way Kurt did. Who had stood by her and wanted her to be happy. He was the one person who wasn’t afraid to tell her when she was wrong and still love her despite everything. Their lives would move on and they would have other people moving in and out, but she doubted that there was any friend or lover that would love and look out for her the way Kurt did.

The music began to soften as the song drew to a gentle close and Rachel hoped that her friend realized that she was singing to him. “Won’t you tell me, please put on some speed? Follow my lead. Oh, how I need someone to watch over me.

“Someone to watch over me!”

Her classmates applauded her and cheered enthusiastically and a few of them had even gotten to their feet. Kurt’s eyes were shining as he clapped, his love for her apparent and for the first time Rachel realized that she had found her soulmate. The one who would stand at her side through all things.

No matter what happened after today, for Rachel that meant everything.

Madam Tibideaux made no indication whether or not she found Rachel’s performance acceptable and as she had done or the previous performers, merely waited for the class to settle before calling the next student to take the stage.

Rachel stepped off the stage and fell into Kurt’s arms, feeling his breath against her cheek as he held her close. Those surprisingly strong arms about her grounded her, provided her center of her universe. She squeezed him tight, wanting to assure her friend that what she’d just expressed was true and not just for her performance.

They settled in their seats, forcing themselves to regain control of their emotions and turn their attention to their classmates. They would talk more about what Rachel had done but for now, they had their peers who deserved their focus.

Kurt watched intently, giving his classmates the respect that they deserved and genuinely enjoying their efforts. He felt honored to be among this insanely talented group and as his turn approached. Once again, he marveled at his lack of nervousness, thinking that with such a high stakes critique on the line that he should be at least a little apprehensive.

“Mr. Hummel?” Madam Tibideaux called out. “If you please?”

By now the class had relaxed and there were encouraging cheers from his classmates as he stepped to the center of the stage. He took a steadying breath and looked about the room, seeing the expectant and encouraging faces and then the cool, dispassionate expression on Madam Tibideaux.

“Thank you, Madam,” he said calmly. “The past few months have been interesting, to say the very least. I came into NYADA wanting very much to be a performer, but I didn’t know if I’d be able to. I always thought that no one would take me seriously. My time at NYADA have started to show me that a lot of the limits that I thought I had no choice about accepting were self-imposed more than anything else.”

He pursed his mouth, thinking of what he’d learned about himself since coming to New York. “The most important thing I’ve learned is that this is what I want to do with my life. What I’m meant to do. And I want to thank everyone here for helping me see that.”

He saw Rachel’s eyes tear and her loving smile and knew that he could do this. He took a breath and nodded to the musicians to start. The piano started the bright, gentle tune and Kurt closed eyes.

“My days are brighter than morning air. Evergreen pine and autumn blue. But all my days are twice as fair, if I could share my days with you.”

Kurt’s voice rode the music that seemed to drift about him, lifting sweetly. He’d always loved the innocent sweetness of this song, as perfect a portrayal of first love as he could imagine. Where everything was possible and there was no darkness in the world.

He opened his eyes and held out his arms, as if to embrace everyone watching him. “My nights are warmer than fire coals. Incense and stars and smoke bamboo. But nights were warm beyond compare, if I could share my nights with you.”

His voice began to soar, secure and confident in his ability to hold the notes as they rose on the air. He felt his body moving, as if trying to follow the notes before they drifted out of reach.

“To dance in my dreams,” he sang, the smile on his face one of pure wonderment. Kurt had so many things in his life that gave him happiness, but there was nothing outside of his friends and loved ones that gave him nearly as much joy as he felt at that instant. “To shine when I need the sun. With you… to hold me when dreams are done!”

His voice leapt to hit that high note, jumping nearly a full octave without the slightest pause. His smile was dazzling as he spun about like a child.

“And oh....” His voice continued to rise, sliding easily into his upper range and ringing out pure and sweet. “My dearest love… If you will take my love, then all my dreams are truly begun.”

His voice slipped effortlessly back to his middle range, pouring the love of what he was doing into his voice. “And time weaves ribbons of memory. To sweeten life when youth is through. But I would need no memories there.”

He looked at his classmates and his teacher, grateful that he had the chance to share this with them. And hovering in the back of the room, he caught a glimpse of tousled blond curls and a wide smile directed at him.

He was going to kill Adam for sneaking in, but only after kissing the life out of him.

“If I could share my life with you.”

He could hear the applause of his classmates, knowing that he had shown them the very best example of what they already knew he could do. Now he was ready to switch things up. The music shifted, soft piano and flute giving way to guitar and drums.

“I am what you want me to be,” Kurt stated, infusing his voice with a subtle measure of iron grit. “And I’m your worst fear you’ll find in me.

“Come closer,” he beckoned wickedly, crooking his finger at his audience. He was daring them. “Come closer.

“I am more than memory, I am what might be, I am mystery. You know me. So show me.”

Kurt began to slink across the stage, a dangerous presence that challenged his classmates to follow him. “When I appear it's not so clear if I'm a simple spirit or I'm flesh and blood.

“But I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive. And I feed on the fear that's behind your eyes. And I need you to need me it's no surprise. I'm alive! So alive! I'm alive.”

Kurt expertly balanced power and subtly as he built up his character that was a bit different than Gabe was portrayed in the show. Gabe could be destructive and even malevolent, but Kurt was elemental. A force like wind or lightning that could be beautiful or destructive. The beautiful notes emerging from his throat not quite concealing the menace in his words.

“I am flame and I am fire, I am destruction, decay, and desire,” Kurt growled as he paced the stage like a caged animal. “I'll hurt you. I'll heal you.

“I'm your wish, your dream come true,” he proclaimed like a young god, holding out his arms to beckon his audience in. “And I am your darkest nightmare too. I've shown you. I own you.”

He felt his body surging, feeling free as his voice filled the room, sure and powerful. “And though you made me you can't change me,” he warned, letting the darkness color his words. “I'm a perfect stranger who knows you too well.”

The shift from innocent love to something dark and obsessive was something that he’d seen and experienced before. He’d seen Blaine turn on him, going out of his way to deliberately hurt the one he professed to love. He’d seen Rachel roll mindlessly over those that were close to her because they stood in the way of what she wanted. Love could so easily curdle if it became all about what you needed and you lost sight of what your partner needed as well.

“I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive,” Kurt sang, his voice soaring with power. “And I'll tell you the truth if you let me try. You're alive, I'm alive, and I'll show you why. I'm alive. So alive! I'm alive!”

His voice began to rise with the song, building and soaring as the song built. He found the power to lead the melody, showing no hint of strain or hesitation.

“I'm right behind you,” he warned dangerously, glaring with a nearly unholy blaze in his eyes. “You say, ‘Forget,’ but I'll remind you. You can try to hide, you know that I will find you. 'Cause if you won't grieve me, you won't leave me behind!”

Damn, he thought absently as his voice absolutely filled the room, the note long and steady. That sounded good.

“Oh, oh, whoa, whoa... No, no, no! I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive!” Kurt leapt, as if the spirit within him was too powerful to be contained by weak flesh. “If you climb on my back, then we both can fly. If you try to deny me I'll never die.

“I'm alive! So alive! I'm alive!Yeah, yeah…I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!”

Kurt came to a stop right before Madam Tibideaux, demanding her attention and regard. He could feel the sweat on his face, and the cheers of his classmates. He hoped that he’d surprised them with the nearly animalistic display that he’d never had the confidence to try before.

The music shifted again and the melody for his final song began. This was one that he thought would surprise everyone most. He’d shown them heart and he’d shown them power. Now he would blend both together in a way that would show his voice at its best potential. He felt amazing, nearly buzzing with energy but he needed to pull it back for the last song. He’d worked hard on this arrangement and thought it would suit the song well.

The only instrument accompanying him was a gently played guitar, and Kurt closed his eyes to center himself. Balancing the power that he wanted to show with a delicate touch. The lack of any musical accompaniment besides the gentle guitar would put his voice front and center, with nowhere to hide. There were no vocal tricks that would mask mistakes or flaws. He would be vocally naked.

“One song glory, one song before I go,” he started softly; the words a prayer to an uncaring deity who’d thus far ignored previous pleas. “Glory, one song to leave behind.

“Find one song, one last refrain. Glory, from the pretty boy front man… who wasted opportunity.”

He normally identified with Mark from RENT, but in exploring this song Kurt realized that he had just as much in common with Roger. A man with tremendous talent who’s ambitions never seemed to be realized. To hope for one chance to leave his mark on the world before his inevitable death.

“One song, he had the world at his feet,” Kurt sang, infusing the heartbreak over Roger’s situation. “Glory, in the eyes of a young girl. A young girl.”

Kurt rarely spoke to anyone about his darkest fears. That no matter what he did, that he would fail to accomplish anything with his life. That he would never find success; that he when he passed no one would even know that he’d existed. His feared that his talent would not be enough, because he was too unique. Too strange. Too gay.

“Find glory. Beyond the cheap colored lights.” His voice became stronger, telling the story of a man who feared that his time was rapidly running out. “One song, before the sun sets. Glory, on another empty life.

“Time flies! Time dies!” Kurt gave this song everything he had within him. There was power, but also heartbreak. The song didn’t make use of his range, but he didn’t need high notes to show what his voice was capable of. Or what he had within him.

“Glory, one blaze of glory! One blaze of glory! Glory!”

Kurt looked to his audience, feeding of their reactions. Rachel’s mouth was slightly open in shock, her dark eyes shimmering. Analisa was watching intently, leaning forward least she miss a single note. Jamie was nodding proudly, happy to see someone that he respected in his element, while Katya was wiping at her eyes.

Adam merely smiled, not bothering to wipe away the tears that streamed down his face.

Kurt reined back his voice from its soaring heights, showing the power in quiet softness. “Find glory in a song that rings true. Truth like a blazing fire, an eternal flame. Find, one song, a song about love. Glory, from the soul of a young man.”

Kurt had felt love before and been hurt by it. Losing Blaine had crushed him and it had taken a long time for him to find his strength again but he moved past that hurt. If he lost Adam, he’d be hurt beyond measure but he knew that he could survive. But if he could not perform… if he could no longer sing or act, his life would no longer have meaning. Then he might as well fade away, because there would be no further reason for living.

Death might be inevitable, but everyone wanted to leave something behind to mark their time on Earth. For Kurt that was a song or a performance that people would look back upon to remember him by.

“A young man, find the one song. Before the virus takes hold,” Kurt breathed, feeling Roger’s fear viscerally. There wasn’t a gay man born since the Eighties that didn’t have that mortal fear of how an act of love and passion that could lead to death. “Glory, like a sunset. One song to redeem this empty life.”

Kurt was determined that his life would not be a meaningless one. He might not have Rachel’s single-minded focus, but he was just as ambitious. He would not fade into the darkness without his light blazing first.

“Time flies!” His voice was a defiant cry against death and emptiness. “And then no need to endure anymore! Time dies!”

He felt his body slump, having given everything he had within him. The last time he was applauded in this room, he’d been taken completely by surprise, not having expected to be rewarded when he’d never been so before. This time, he knew that it was deserved.

He wasn’t expecting a response from his teacher, so he wasn’t disappointed to see her making her notes and giving no sign if she was pleased. It was the applause of his peers that satisfied him. Rachel was on her feet, clapping so loudly that her hands would be hurting her in the morning. Analisa and the others were cheering him on, happily celebrating his accomplishment.

And the man that he loved, who stood unobtrusively in the back of the room… the light shining in Adam’s eyes told him everything he needed to know.

There was a strange buzzing in his had as Kurt took his seat, riding on the high of his performance. In the background, he could feel Rachel’s arms wrap around him and the pats on his shoulders from his classmates. He inhaled deeply, trying to regain his composure and focus on the next student called to stage.

When he glanced to the back of the room, Adam was gone, having quietly left so he wouldn’t distract from the other performances. Kurt couldn’t help from smiling, knowing that he would see Adam when they were done. In the meantime, he owed his classmates his attention.

It was late afternoon by the time the last student was finished and everyone was fairly well exhausted. Madam Tibideaux stood from her seat and gathered her notes under her arm as she looked over her students.

“I want to thank you all,” she proclaimed with her customary stateliness. “Not just for your work today, but for all your effort the past months. You’ll be getting your final grades and your written critiques next Friday. If you have any questions, please contact my secretary to schedule a meeting.”

For the first time all day, she allowed a smile to grace her features. “It has been a pleasure and a privilege to work with you all. I hope that you have a wonderful summer and to see you next semester.

“So without further ado… class dismissed.”

The students gave a collective sigh of relief that it was finally over. Once their august teacher had left the room, they gathered to hug one another, congratulating themselves for their hard work and having managed to survive.

Kurt kept his arm about Rachel as they took a few minutes to chat with their classmates, making sure to have one another’s contact information and making tentative plans to get together before they dispersed for summer jobs and trips home. There were hugs and a few tears before they started to drift their separate ways.

He looked down at his best friend, so proud of what she’d just done. “You were amazing,” he praised wholeheartedly, hugging her tight. “I’ve never heard you sing like that.”

Rachel blushed furiously at his praise. “What about you?” she demanded. “Oh my god… you were tremendous! I could totally see you playing Gabe. I had shivers running down my spine the entire time. And your take on the RENT song…”

She gave him a playful nudge. “You made me cry! Again!”

Kurt couldn’t help from laughing. “You were so fantastic” he praised, looking down at her face. She looked absolutely radiant. “I saw you up there. You didn’t just use your power and your voice was incredible.”

“I remembered what you told me,” she admitted. “And what they told me after my callback. I spent so much time trying to be the next Barbra that I forgot about trying to be the best Rachel.”

“Well, the best Rachel is pretty spectacular,” Kurt assured her. He couldn’t help from hugging her again. “I am so proud of you.”

She sniffled, fighting back happy tears. “I don’t think I can say how amazing you were. You were beautiful and powerful and I just loved every second of it. I knew that you had that in you.”

Kurt was reluctant to release her so they could gather their things and leave the room. He couldn’t resist one last glance about the space, feeling a lot of confidence that this wasn’t his last time performing there.

He and Rachel still had their arms about one another as they walked out of the Round Room, laughing and unable to stop praising one another. They were still riding on the buzz of their performances when a cool accented voice called out to them.

“Hey superstars,” Adam greeted cheerfully. “That was a hell of a show.”

Kurt released his grip on Rachel and flung himself into his boyfriend’s arms. The older man looked down at him lovingly, his hands trailing down Kurt’s back to hold him close.

“I can’t believe you snuck in,” Kurt reprimanded gently. “You could have gotten into trouble.”

“No, I wouldn’t have,” Adam insisted, his blue eyes twinkling mischievously. “Because I asked your Madam if she would very much mind of I peeked in to watch. I told her how sad I would be to miss you singing since I was graduating and wouldn’t have much chance to see you next year.”

He gave Kurt a coy smile. “I don’t know why you say she’s so fearsome, because she’s really a rather soft touch. Oh, she huffed a little bit but told me that if I wasn’t intrusive, I could watch. There was no way that I was going to miss this.”

“You really did that… just to see us,” Kurt marveled. To have someone go out of their way just to see him perform, however biased Adam’s opinion might be of Kurt’s talents, was a heady and novel experience.

“I’m glad I did,” Adam insisted. “Because I would have regretted missing that for the rest of my life.”

He looked down at his lover, the expression on his face full of wonderment. “I’ve thought that I’ve seen you at your best before, but you always manage to surprise me. That was… that was absolutely stunning.”

Kurt couldn’t help from kissing Adam, because it would have been perilously easy to lose his composure right then and there.

The Englishman turned to Rachel who was watching them in amusement. “You were wonderful too, Rachel,” he insisted. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you perform with that kind of emotion. It was absolutely glorious.”

She couldn’t help from smiling, knowing that Kurt’s boyfriend wasn’t inclined towards empty flattery. “Thanks,” she said sincerely. “I took a cue from my partner in crime here.”

Adam nodded approvingly, glad to see that Rachel opening herself up a bit. “Well, I think this deserves a bit of celebrating,” he proclaimed. He gathered Kurt under one arm and held out his other for Rachel to nestle in. “I think that dinner and a few drinks is in order. Because you two, my darlings, were spectacular.”

Kurt laughed and let Adam guide them out of the building. With their finals and critiques nearly finished, the school year was all but over. In a few days, they’d be done and looking forward to the summer. It felt like the world was wide open to them now and Kurt was ready to rush forward to meet it.

Rachel's critique solos: I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No - Oklahoma Send In The Clowns - A Little Night Music Someone To Watch Over Me - Oh, Kay!

Kurt's critique solos: With You - Pippin I'm Alive - Next to Normal One Song Glory - RENT

[athleisure-aesthetic]

Unsure why exactly I made this account; perhaps partially because of accountability, perhaps some motivation.  Maybe I just need a way to document my fitness stuff and bullet journaling it stresses me out (perfectionist problems).  Either way, I’m here and it’s here… so yay!

Hopefully this will be used as a means of showing myself progress, but I know every journey has setbacks.  This is just me figuring out how to like more veggies, how to stretch better so I don’t get injured so often, and how to make my body happier by doing good things for it.

I’m new to the #runblr and #fitblr community, so if you have any words of advice, I’m all ears!  I’ll likely stalk all the blogs with yummy looking bowls, workout suggestions, playlists, etc. and maybe post some of my own pics.  Who knows what this will become for me lol but I’m excited to try this out!

MY FITNESS JOURNEY

In general, I’m fairly overweight for my height.  I’m tiny, only 5′1″ on a good day, which I feel is unfair for someone who likes to eat as much as I do.  I didn’t ask to be as short as I am.  My mom, though just as short as me, has been fit nearly her whole life.  She played sports up until she was 45, has been a gym rat for the last 25 years, and is now picking up yoga like she’s been doing it for forever.  It’s been something I’ve admired, but also something I’ve resented since she barely looks like she’s aged since she had me.  While she’s tried to encourage me, I always felt like I wasn’t going to be as fit as her, and I ended up comparing my young, flabbier body to her toned, powerful one.  She’s been an intimidating force, not because she would act like it, but because I saw her body as an unreachable thing for myself.  She’s never been where I was and where I am.  Working out has never been my thing, it’s been hers.  I didn’t want to do what’s hers just because she did it and because I needed to.  Call me stubborn, but I wanted a thing that was mine that I couldn’t compare her to.

I’ve definitely struggled with being a little heavier for most of my teen-to-adult life, but I always thought that was because of the way my legs carried all my muscle.  I’ve never been a runner, but I played field hockey all throughout school and sort of dropped it as I got to college.  I ran with the athleticism that I had built up throughout my life with sports and kind of depended on it until I decided to run a half marathon the summer before senior year of college.  I trained really hard from late winter to early spring, then school got the best of me and I forgot all about the half until two weeks before.  I got through it, but a lot of it was on adrenaline since I hadn’t run more than 7 miles before the race itself.  During that spring, though, I was as fit as I could remember being since high school.  I was happy with how much I was running and how it had gotten easier, but I fell out of the pattern very quickly.

I did one whole round of T25 Alpha and Beta this past summer and saw great results, but as soon as I moved and got a job, I got lazy and never wanted to wake up so early in the morning.  I still don’t.  I’ve learned I’m not going to be that person that gets up with the sun, works out, then goes to work; I’m just not motivated that early, so I’m trying to work around it.  T25 is good, but it’s not what I want my routine to be exclusively made up of, and it’s hard because I can only do it in my own apartment living room, where I have no other fitness equipment.  They’re supposed to be building a gym in the basement of my building, but they’ve said it would be done for almost six months now and I haven’t heard anything promising.

I need to find something I can keep up with consistently, despite what my job and life are requiring of me.  I miss the endorphins.  That’s why I always go back to the running.  You can do it anywhere, you can easily track your progress, and you don’t need anything with you.

I don’t hate it now, but I want to be able to get to a point where it doesn’t make my ankles ache or I don’t have to worry about getting shin splints every other run.  I’ve been fitted for proper shoes at a running store, so it’s not that, it must be something else I’m doing.  I would like running so much more if I wasn’t terrified that I’m about to tear something or twist my knee or do some other bad thing to my legs.

Workout-wise, I have a half marathon I’m working towards in September, and I’d love to pump up my weekly mileage in general.  As I’m finding out, I have really weak wrists and ankles, so strength training is a bit of a challenge for me.  I need to build up my legs a bit again before I tack on more distance, but again, I’m finding it hard to A, find a place to consistently work out, and B, find a good time during my day.  Usually, I go to work, get home around 5:30-6 nearly spent, make some dinner, then lounge until bed.  Working a 9-5 is surprisingly exhausting.  Recently, I’ve been trying to run right after work before dinner, using my post-workout snack/meal as my dinner, but it’s not giving me enough energy as of yet.

MY EATING HABITS

I grew up pretty picky, disliking most veggies and relying mostly on breads, snacks, and sweet fruits to get me by.  Living with healthy roommates has definitely pushed me in a good direction; I’d say I’m a relatively decent eater these days.  Salads, fruits, smoothies, low sugar PB, veggie stir fry, zoodles…  But my guilty pleasures are the sugary things and the salty snacks; I’m learning how to curb my sweet tooth one dessert at a time (though Halo Top has got me hooked, damn you!) but we all need a good milkshake every so often.  Plus I have a thing for crunchy things: pretzels, chips, goldfish, etc.  Hopefully following some inspirational blogs will get me eating as many fresh ingredients as possible and trying some new things.

I’ve also found that calorie counting actually works for me, because I don’t see it as a restrictive thing.  I measure what I’ve burned versus what I’m putting in, and I like to see how I’m balancing the types of food I’m consuming.  It’s about acknowledgement for me, and it’s easy to lose track of portion size if I’m not documenting it.  If I eat a massive bowl of pasta?  Cool, writing it down, but the next day I’ll try to even it out with some extra greens at lunch or dinner.

In general, I’m pretty happy with where my diet is going, and I’m really just looking for more cool things to eat outside my little salad box.

MY MENTAL HEALTH & OVERALL HAPPINESS

I’m in this for me and me only at this point.  The spring before my first half, I was revenge-body-driven, but I’ve seen so many things about body positivity and self care these days, and I realize that I’m genuinely looking to get more fit for the right reasons this time.  I want the vessel that’s carrying me to be as capable as my mind is.  I want to be strong, not for anyone else, but to prove to myself that I can do it.  I’m proud of where I’ve been and who I am now, and it’s not like a “if I reach my goal weight, I’ll finally love myself” thing, but I will be supremely pleased that I can achieve a palpable, physical goal that I set my sights on.  I’m well aware that there will be weeks when I struggle to eat the right things to fuel my body.  There will be weeks when 2 miles feels like 8 because I didn’t stretch right.  I recognize that every workout is not going to feel great, and not every meal is going to be healthy.  I’m not that type of perfectionist, and I know myself better than to expect discipline as tough as that.  For me, that only leads to self-punishment and overworking my body.  It’s about the balance.  It’s about forgiving yourself and rewarding yourself for the good things your body accomplished.

Obviously it’s easier to type this stuff out than to actually act on it, but I figure this is a good first step.  I want to look back on this in a year, and see how far I’ve really come.

CW: 168.8 GW: 135 (but who really cares… it’s about progress)

PS for real leggings are by far the best things you can put on your legs so why in the world can’t I wear them for any and every occasion???  PANTS ARE DUMB OK

[texanpeanut]

Trees All the Way Down

Here’s the most recent email update I’ve sent out and I think the last one I’ll use as a blog post. From now on the blog posts will just be blog posts! 

March 30, 2018:

Hey y'all, 

Welcome to this month's update from Maggie. I think this email has two themes: growth and change. The first part of the email will be more about some gushy emotional stuff so if you don't wanna read that and wanna know more about some werkkk related things skip down a few paragraphs until you see some ALL CAPS WRITING LIKE THIS. If you remember from the last update, I wrote about how Peace Corps has been challenging mostly in mental and emotional ways. In the first two months at site after I installed (mid-December to mid-February), I think I was overall appreciative of my experience and glad to be here, but also felt anxious and worn out day to day. When I arrived in Thies in mid-February for In-Service Training (IST), I realized I did not feel like myself. I normally consider myself a somewhat laid back person (at least half the time anyway) and fairly optimistic, but I was letting myself become stressed out beyond necessity over small things beyond my control. So, when I arrived back at the regional house in Kedougou at the end of February after two weeks of additional technical training at IST, I decided I needed to take a stronger initiative to take care of my mental health. Like I said earlier, a lot of things that were stressing me out in the beginning were things beyond my control. For example, I would work myself up so much just thinking about going around in my village to greet people because I was worried about how they would react to me, if they would be unwelcoming, or make fun of me, blah blah blah. So one way I've tried to change my focus is to think more about my intentions overall for coming here, and my intention for every small action throughout the day. After some reflection I think the two main reasons I wanted to join Peace Corps were to learn practical, technical skills related to my field of interest (I guess a fancy way of saying I wanted to do cool agroforestry stuff with my hands), and to better myself as a person. I don't think those two reasons are mutually exclusive. And I think by focusing on those things every day, I've been able to feel more calm and comfortable at site, more productive in my work, and overall more just like myself. I decided people are going to treat me however they want to treat me, and the only thing I can control is how I show respect to my family and neighbors, and the effort I put into starting projects and trainings. If I put effort every day into working towards my main intentions of being here (work and bettering myself), by either doing something related to trees, or overcoming some kind of fear or mental roadblock, I can be proud of that day. One more thing I've been thinking about is that I have a lot to really be grateful for. In life in general of course, but specifically in Senegal. I was thinking a few weeks ago how I think my biggest problem/fear/obstacle is my own fear of how people perceive me. And then I thought that isn't really a problem at all. Every day now I feel incredibly lucky to have my own place to sleep at night (with a roof and an actual bed), a bike, a dog, my own little gas stove, great physical health, no severe mental health issues, no crippling debt, great friends I've made in Peace Corps, great friends back at home in America, and a great family who I love and loves me back (at least that's what they tell me lol). And I do feel so lucky to be here in this beautiful part of Senegal, presented with such a unique opportunity to challenge myself mentally and physically and learn so! many! new! things! OKAY on to the COOL STUFF like TREES and GARDENS!!! Alright. So. During the first couple months at site I really did not work at all because I was just trying to get a feel for the village, practice my Pular, and learn how to do things like carry buckets of water on my head without getting laughed at. But now I'm doing some agfo stuff like filling little plastic bags with dirt and poop and it's pretty neat. So... little bags of dirt and poop. Aka, a tree nursery. After I got back to site from IST I finally started a personal tree nursery in my backyard. A tree nursery is one method of propagating trees to later out-plant in fields or compounds. There are two main types of trees people like to seed in nurseries - live fencing species and fruit trees. Trees used for live fences are usually little scraggly, thorny things that prevent livestock from entering gardens and eating all the vegetables. Livestock are the biggest nuisance to vegetable production in this country other than insects and children. Fruit trees are pretty much what they sound like and the two most popular fruit trees here are mango and citrus, but people also plant papaya, sweetsop, soursop, pigeon pea, and cashew. Cashew has a huge market in the southern regions that make up an area called the Casamance, and is expanding steadily throughout the country. Right now, peanuts are one of the main cash crops of this country, but it's really a shame because they deplete the soil so rapidly. Cashews are a great alternative because they are great for soil stability, the fruit has a lot of uses, and the amount of money a farmer can make from one hectare of a cashew orchard is insane. Okay, end of that side note. To make a tree nursery you dig a pit (or build a little wall out of cinderblocks) as big as you need for the amount of sacks you plan to fill, and then fill it with sacks. The sacks are little plastic bags that you fill with a combination of soil and either compost or manure (the poop). Once your sacks are full and you've watered them for a week, you can seed your trees. After a few weeks you out-plant! It's just a way to have more control over young and vulnerable baby trees, and then once they do germinate you can choose to plant the healthiest, best-looking ones, rather than wasting field space on some dumpy little thing. So I have the tree nursery in my backyard, and I seeded some tamarind and papaya that I collected back in January. They haven't germinated yet but I'm still hopeful! I also have begun teaching people in my community how to do this for themselves. One day I went out to the garden of a man I know in my neighboring village named Bonnoit to see if I could find him to talk about work. I didn't find him there, but I found another man named Leonard at a garden nearby, introduced myself and said my work is to plant trees and I can help him if he wants. He said yes I do want to plant trees. So I came back about a week later, we dug a huge pit together, pounded cow poop down to a powder, and filled about 20 sacks together. I've been going to visit him every day for the past week to see how it's going and so far he's filled about 140 without any extra help from me! He is a really motivated worker and I think is really excited to continue this, so I'm looking forward to doing more stuff with him in the future. I also hosted a small tree nursery training for a few of my neighbors and family members. I asked a few of my friends to help invite people in our village, and about 11 people showed up which was perfect because I am trying to start small. Being a little bit of a shy person, I am still nervous about speaking in front of a crowd of 30-40. Anyway, I held the training in my backyard and we added some sacks to my personal nursery and overall I think it was successful. Everyone was attentive and seemed like they wanted to be there and got to practice filling one sack. I gave everyone who came 10 sacks, so I will see who fills those and then give out more to the people who do. Some other work things that aren't set in stone but might happen in the future are a women's cashew orchard in my road town of Salemata, and a garden in my neighboring village for youth who are done with school but can't find work. The women in Salemata seem very excited about the orchard, and Bonnoit (the man I referenced earlier) seems very motivated about getting his garden started, and even brought me his own detailed list of supplies and prices I could use for writing a grant for the project. I'm still unsure if these two things will happen since they're just in the very beginning of planning and discussion, but I am hopeful! Welp, that's about all I got. I'm taking a few days at the regional house for a few reasons. 1) It's my birthday and my village is great but I really wanted to treat myself to some electricity and cold water. 2) I originally planned to have Lyra, my dog spayed today. I have had her for three months now and I think she is about four months old. Anyway I went to the vet this morning and he said he's out of anesthetic but should get some more tomorrow or Sunday so... actual spay date for little Lyra is TBD. 3) New volunteers are coming!!! In Senegal we have four sectors of volunteers: Health, Community Economic Development (CED), Agriculture, and Agroforestry (which I think is technically in the environment sector). The Ag/Agfo volunteers come at the very end of September, like I did, and the Health/CED volunteers come at the very end of February. The newest cohort has been here for a month so far, and they just found out their permanent site placements a few days ago. So the new Kedougou volunteers will be coming in tomorrow for a few days of Field Orientation Training (like I did back in October) before they go back to Thies to complete their Pre Service Training. If God wills it, they will install at their new sites in mid-May! And that's all. Love y'all. Say hi to America for me. 

-Maggie 

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 6 Confessionals

I mean I didn't make the idol play. But um #LUKEDIDTHAT. Love he did that. But Lexi self voting??? Ruining Luke's plan of getting someone out? ICONIC!! Poor Lexi is prob going to go home lol. But I'm happy the idol I found did something but sad that its now gone and a new one? might be able to be found for those  4 remaining.

One more fake swap / fake merge and I'm going to vote myself off this island.

So iconically, Luke idolled, which i'm happy about. I'm NOT happy about Ryan being voted out considering I was kind of wanting to play a game with him. It also doesn't make sense considering... he's tried in every challenge, and has helped out the tribe greatly imo, but then again - we don't know the social dynamics and tribe outlook on their tribe. Carson told me he found an idol, and i'm superbly excited. Will he use it on me? Likely not. But it's still good to know we have it in OUR possession, and i'm not planning on leaking a word. The fact that he told me is satisfying though, and I do truly feel as if he's my #1 in the game right now. The challenge? Pass. It's something... logic puzzles are... awful (yet a little fun at times, sure). The cup thing... whomst... and the counting? I'm fairly triggered. I'm going to likely sit out because i'm busy today and I just couldn't care or want to do ANY of that. also why is there no SWAP!

Last tribal was fun with my idol play but Lexi made it less iconic with the self vote but that was completely understandable since she has a lot going on personally and I hope she's okay <3 It worked well in the sense that Jordan and Jay can still convince Lexi that they just had to do what they had to do with the tie and they saved her over Ryan. I compleTELY FUCKED UP THE COUNTING PART OF THE CHALLENGE WHICH I WAS ALREADY EH ABOUT DOING SINCE IT'S THE WORST BUT EUUURGH I MESSED UP. I'm hoping that we can win but if we don't then I hope I can trust Jay and Jordan enough to keep our 3 alliance strong and just vote our Lexi unanimously providing she doesn't have an idol or anything like that. I'll make an update after results...

Can you believe we win again? If we merge, it's gonna be 7-3. What a time to be alive!!! 

WHEWWWW i searched Mancos for the idol bc of my idol clue i got and i fucking found the idol and wow... i decided to tell Zach because I definitiely wanna nurture a relationship with him (love him so much) and we're a dynamic duo for sure!! i only talk to hi9m though and i def gotta fix that. playing this game AND another game at once is just a bit much but im still doing my best.

OKAY IM SCREAMING HOW DID I EVEN GET ANOTHER REWARD?? Idk how many rewards there have been in total bc I forgot but I've gotten 3 and didn't do 1 bc it was too risky but like what the heck how is this even happening?? I'm shook 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5g0x_0uPJo

WE WON IMMUNITY YESSS!!! going into the final 10 7-3 is definitiely amazing and im assuming luke goes on the other tribe. im fine with that bc it seems like everyone on my tribe is close to luke, so theyll be closer to me if hes gone!! im definitiely enjoying this tribe but like.. where does everyone stand?? who knows. we havent gone to a tribal since eric combusted and i dont know where i stand. i trust zach and i kinda trust bryce even if we dont talk strategy but idk where everyone else stands. katie truists me i think, but idk if i talk to her enough for it to be a FULL trust between us?? shes probably the one i trust the most after the other 2. charlotte is... whew?? she hates zach im pretty sure so like... idk about that personally. shes a good player and also like... idk i just dont talk to her as much as the other returnees. willow is cool and shes super nice but we NEVER talk strategy and also she like gave tons of info to eric allegedly then voted him out so idk if i can trust that rlly but like  thats a bit hypocritical bc i kinda used him too. i need to try talking more strategy with her. and chris... we talk and they're pleasant conversations but like willow, i dont talk strategy enough with him. plus hes a good game player from what ive seen in this game?? i know hes busy so i just gotta start getting a bit more out of him. my social game has def been slipping and if i dont get it up, im looking at a merge boot status bc tbh? i think im a pretty big threat. ideally, jordan pines is merge boot, then we can use lexi/jay to possibly get out some of our tribe, maybe charlotte?? on second thought i could use jordan for that too but like.. i dont trust jordan lmao. IDEALLY, id like a boot order of... f10: jordan f9: charlotte f8: lexi f7: willow f6: chris f5: jay f4: bryce f3: katie/zach, depends on who i think i can win easier against?? then ideally a final 2 of me winning. but survivor is always changing, so nothing is for sure. thats just how id LIKE it to happen, but nothing is gonna happen exactly so ill just pray!!

We lost immunity...again...shocker! Jay approached me earlier to potentially blindside Jordan and get him out since he's a huge threat at the upcoming merge but ultimately decided that using his connection with Katie and his reputation as a meat shield would be to our advantage since we're both winners and that is enough to get people to target us. It feels weird working this closely with Jay. If we merge next then plan to get Katie using Jordan, Carson using Jay and Zach using myself and then add Charlotte into the group and we should have a strong group. I also want to find out who gave me the immunity idol so I can first of all thank them, second of all ask them why and third if all work with them. I just hope I'm not being screwed by Jay the same way he was trying to screw Pines. 

Confessional #1 this round: Fuck ulta, i hate this tribe, i want to leave, ryan palmer let me go home

I accidently self voted last round and it tied between me and ryan because luke used an idol. so they voted ry out and i cried alittle. thats about all. 

Confessional #2- Rip Lexi, this is wrong, how the fuck are we gonna be at 3 players, after this wtf they have an entire tribe waiting to fight us

Im so happy we won again to be able to go into a merge with 7-3 majority maybe and a 4 person group into the 10 person game! Things are going well

Wish I can find the idol and hope luke doesnt go out either here

bye lexi! honestly like... idk. all newbies on their tribe are gone, it's so funny. im anticipating merge! or a swap.. or something. its 7v3 for crying out loud! im not sure what my move is going forward, but i think im confident. just kidding, i'm likely leaving. this is a bs conf but i may make one tomorrow hehe

haha I beat Jay

wow can't believe I'm this seasons challenge beast

We're really that tribe that's completely decimating everything.

I've been out all day and I see that they voted out Lexi. Every tribal that Jordan pines makes it through makes me even more nervous about getting to a merge with him around. We didn't have a good history in our last game but I'm hoping that there are more people around with bad blood with him so I can kinda just get by without getting any shots fired at me. I just want to go into a merge already. None of this potential "tribe swap" to make things even for one more round. I usually get fucked in a swap and I'd rather not have history repeat itself.

Over the course of the past week or so, i've been attempting to mend things with Charlotte. She's the only person that I feel like would be dead set on getting rid of me, so to weaken that desire would be sufficient. I also want to work on Katie and Chris a bit more so that the newbies (since i'm already decent with Willow, I believe) would be more loyal to me. I need opportunities! As for the pending upcoming merge or swap, i'm not ready. I would hope the 7 Ulta stay together for a BIT or something, like vote out Jordan. I'm semi-close with Jay and Luke, so would I want to vote them out right away? Well, in the wise words of Jay - absolutely not. But I would if I had to. I'd be more lenient with voting Jay since i'm now developing a friendship with Luke (because of another ORG) and I really like him, he's a cool kid. Him and I have NEVER worked together in past ORGs so if we manage to survive and make it on a tribe together, it'll be something refreshing. Carson's still my favourite though. He's a social god and it's scary. The kid has school from like 7-3pm and still finds more time to message me somehow or someway. It's... wildt. I trust him to an extent and him and I both have agreed that like we'll go far but obviously we are bale to betray one another if essential to our own game. I likely won't make it that far though RIP. I told him i'd be his lapdog, despite the tag of the season o.O Bryce. I didn't mention him yet. He's cool, him and I rarely talk but I think he's overall a great person. I'd like to talk to him more but our last conversation felt dull and I can't force a convo (not his fault, communication is indeed a two way street.) Nonetheless, it's something I may have to work on for my game. Also lowkey it's so funny because two tribals ago, you provoked the question regarding returnees and newbies, and here are some facts: - Ryan asked you to stop shoving it down his throat. He got voted out consequently. Iconic, right? - All newbies on their side are eliminated - All the boots in the game in general are newbies (with the exception of my Bahamas representative Willa...RIP good soul. The good die young!) So basically a returnee will win this game. It might be slightly worrying to Katie/Willow/Chris and they may want to extend and form bonds with OG Copa so that they have backup, because obviously there's a trend with voting out the newbies. Anyway, this is my third confessional this round... more than expected hehe hope you enjoy! P.S look at this rude ass message: On 2017-09-14, at 6:36 PM, carson wrote: > Use the Golden Rope to hang urself please HSDGNISDGNDS It was so funny I choked bye now

I seriously thought I was being screwed this round because I didn't think Jay would flip on Lexi but he did and I'm still here! 5 votes against me and I'm still here which is great!! There are only 3 of us left on Copa and we're an alliance so if we don't swap/merge and lose immunity then....it's going to suck. I think maybe I'd be in the middle? But equally Jordan and Jay have known each other a lot longer than they've known me so they might see me as disposable and get rid of me which I hope isn't the case. I really wanna merge and go work with Zach, Charlotte and Carson who I know and think I could work well with. Also Bryce, a newbie from last season, someone who I'd be interested in hooking up with in this game and working with!

So I got another advantage which is lit, I guess all these advantages are making up for kvaloya, anyway who knows how I'm gonna be able to explain the randomized vote?

Okay so like I just realized I'm in another game with Eric. And I kinda led the charge to get him voted out so I'm trying to win immunity otherwise he is totally killing me so sorry this is a terrible confessional but I'm STRESSING. 

If we don't merge I'm so incredibly fucked

[mula-samvit-blog]

New Post has been published on Traveling Karma Yogi

New Post has been published on http://sonofearth.org/journal/ttc-completed-new-life-new-town-lots-of-adventure-love-my-life/

Sivananda TTC, Val Morin

OK … so much has Happen since my last update… I completed my TTC Certification.

5 month living  in an Ashram &  it was one of the most enriching experience in my life and surely to be repeated. But that is a hole subject on its own and you can read all about it in the Ashram Life Serie. But I have to admit… Thank god I got some preparation and a good foundation prior to my TTC course or else I don’t think I would of made it.

There this guy who showed up on the first day, name JD and we all ask each other how long we been doing yoga …and this guy says “Well I just had my first class today”

and I tough to my self WOW! that gonna be painful, but let me tell you, the guy made it all the way true with a smile all the time I’m sure he wanted to quite at time …we all did, but I was impress with the man keeping up like this. So bravo JD you the man.

  The course is very demanding physically and mentally and at the beginning of my stay with the organization I didn’t have neither. The karma yoga gave me the opportunity to work on my mind, body & soul for some time before putting them true  the challenges of the TTC.

But first thing first, what is a TTC ? It’s a Teacher Training Course to become an Yoga teacher. A course design to teach you principle of the Yoga philosophy. Most will believe that Yoga is all about being flexible and showing off some crazy Position “Asana’s” but I can assure you there is much more to it , same as KungFu most believe it to be about violence and fighting but very few realize that it all about energy flow, state of mind & philosophy & let’s not forget some spirituality. So Yoga also has all of these principal & quality’s as well and I was fortunate enough to be able to experience them in this life time. A course design over 30 days to immerse the sadhaka  in the gurukula life style.

I don’t think i have ever work this hard at something or even wanted something as much as this other then when I was training as a rider for the Olympic … I wanted to absorb as much as possible live every second of it, get more …More knowledge, more practice, more meditation … Just more. The first day was orientation day, people arrive from all over the world to come and live the ashram life and develop there practice. For a few of my yogi brother and sister it was a welcomed day off, we knew our way around the Ashram, we had been here for some time now as Karma Yogi. Then that evening we had a Satsang  and we all got to introduce ourself to each other by standing up and giving our name, where we were from and why we wanted to accomplish this endeavor. I could see some of the students freaking out at the sigh of the spiritual aspect of the practice… there even a guy I tough the first night he would burst into flame, attempting to wrap his head around these ritual, prayer & chant. Then we where told that the next day there would be a tour of the grounds and that got me excited because I was going to experience the Ashram as a guess since I have been a resident Karma yogi since august all my time was for the community it was nice to see the other side. On top of that, a permanent resident Yogini Chandrika, was giving the tour and I really wanted to attend.

That evening we received our initiation announcing the official Begin of our course. 30 days of intensive yogic discipline, our days consisted of 4 hours of yoga asana & teaching class, 3 hours of meditation & chants, 1 hour of Karma Yoga & 3.5hours of Bhagavad gita teaching, chant class, philosophies & anatomies class, from Swamis And member of the organization from all around the world. We where very fortunate, first we had our resident Swami Sivabaktananda he tough the Asana,teaching class, anatomies class and the Kriyas , He was from Brazil but reside in Quebec and is in charged of the Val Morin Ashram many called him the tattooed Swami. then there was Swami Rajeshwarananda who also teach the Asana class for the French group and the children & people with disability class as well as the philosophy class, she is from Mexico but live in Rome as the director of the center there. For the Bhagavad Gita class we  had a lady name Padmavati  “Hope I wrote her name right”  she was from england and she had a way to share her tough that was very particular & entertaining I always looked forward to her class, and for our chanting class there was Chandrika always wanting to help everyone, she is from Quebec and reside at the Ashram for the past 7 years or so very knowledgeable . And all of the teachers assistant, all past student advance in there practice and willing to shared there knowledge and experience. and them too, soul from all over the world.And for 11.5 hours everyday we got to learn from them. Live with them, share knowledge

A new life dawn upon the horizon, I could feel myself detaching from past life and believed dear to my heart that the Yogic life was more suitable for me.

The first week was a breeze, my spirits where up…all of my past time spent at the Ashram was well worth it. I had done 3 weeks of 2 asana class a day,I work as a Karma yogi for 4 month, I got use to the routine 5:30 am wake up, 6 am Satsang & Meditation or silent walk, 8 am Asana class, 10 lunch, 10:45 Karma Yoga and usually I would work until 4 or 6 and even sometime 9 pm all depending on the task at hand. But now that was different, during the TTC,  after lunch some had some karma yoga and the others had free time for me my Karma yoga was in the kitchen at night cleaning dishes for and average of 85 people at all time, more on week ends sometime some 120 people where present and luckily enough on those days there was always a special event requiring a cake or ice cream 😛 now don’t get me wrong I like sweets like everyone but that did pile on the dishes to a hole new level… but that ok that was my service my karma yoga and I did it with pride trying to out best the previous day …lol. with partner Madhuri, we always had some great chat or chant and often we had some passing karma yogi that would join in to help with our task. Anyways so after lunch I had some free time to study and do my homeworks then at noon we had a Bhagavad Gita or a kirtan chanting class then we had one hour break and at 2 we had a philosophy or anatomies class then at 4 was the asanas class then diner my karma yoga satsang now it was already 9pm then a bit more study some likhita japa a reading from master Sivananda and light out by 11 even doe they said 10pm, it was hard to fit everything on this little time . And like I said the first week was a breeze but by the second one… Ouff!!

You see before my goals where to lose weight be in better health but with no real goals and I had all the time in the world, so I went fairly easy on my self… Still at the beginning of the TTC course I could not do the headstand. I had all the right techniques, execution & not afraid of trying or falling …god know how often I fell …Like A LOT but the mind set wasn’t present but now I am going to be a Yoga teacher I have to be the best that i can be, so with in 4 days I was able to hold the headstand for give or take 25 second. But by the second week I was trying to catch up to some of the student. I know they say you have to go at your  own rhythm but I didn’t want to be the chubby kid that couldn’t keep up. and then I herded a  clear  distinctive  voice telling me “YOUR STILL FAT” that was my ego booster telling how good of a job I was doing …lol. I could see some of the student bending in ways that made me regret all the times I din’t take care of my health, so I push a little harder and now my body was hurting, thank god my wife was with me and on good night she could give me massages and thank  god I had my bus to sleep in. I am not much of a dorm kind of guy eater . It funny how your mind mind will bring up all these SH&^%T,  tough to your attention once you start putting some strain on it and much was brewing in my mind during the second week lots of anger resurface and needed to be address, ” that always fun”… and it need to be done with a smile, not anybody fault my energy center where cleansing 😛 . At time I ask myself what I was doing here but nothing a little meditation could not fix. But yes the second week was the hardest all the mental and physical negativity came out but that made room for something much better, some peace of mind and my practice improves 10 fold I could see it I could feel it .

I got into a grove on the third week, for a few days I felt good about my self and the progress i was achieving. I was limber, more flexible I could stay longer in my asanas overall I was getting impress with myself, then Swamiji threw us a curve ball with some crazy Asanas variation, for a few days and that cooled me right down, remembering how much I still had to progress , not because they where impossible or I wasn’t good enough but because everything in life take time and devotion to succeed and some part of yoga came easy to me or easierrrrr should I say and other harder and Asana reminded me of all past ill care I have done to my self. Smoking, no exercise, fast food & laziness where an obvious factor. And it dawn on me, this was not about a few month of practice to master but a life time & everyday would bring a finite enlightenment , but for that I have to practice everyday but the tough was reassuring understanding that it would take years and not just weeks or months . I have found some peace in what, I now believe to be  one of the path to enlightenment, a purpose to my life that dint not quantify itself by the amount that was in my account . So ya new variation and a hole new level of hurting in my body but could fell my body changing, I was progressing .

Fourth and final week, now I was getting nervous the final exam was only days away and I din’t know how I was going to perform. I never did good in exam, the second there is a marking on what I am suppose to know I lose all sense and cant perform, but that was ions ago  …so hopefully i was going to do just fine plus I studied every single night. The crazy Asanas where over now we where back to the foundation of Hatha Yoga. My favorite part where the Yoga Meditation asanas where we would stay longer in the poses long enough to get a glimpse of there steadiness.

I could feel the excitement of everyone, eager to finish the course longing to go home and see love one, as well as the sorrow in some at the sight of this newly founded family drifting apart after such a short but very powerful bound shared amongst once strangers. Some talk about staying at the Ashram for some time and I was really hoping I could as well, I felt comfortable there, at home even, but the weather was not in our favor and my wife suffered enough I had to go but none less sad at the tough of leaving the ashram behind.

Graduation was coming and we just learn there was going to be a second talent show night and needed to get ready. The first night I sang with a consoeur  “Mirabai” playing the guitar and now I wanted to play on my own see if I could get over that fear 😛 well I cant now tell you I sing better when someone play with me 😛 I never tough that this journey that stared month ago on a summer day, looking for a yoga studio, would lead me to today being a certify yoga instructor and even more a yogi with a purpose of spreading Swamiji message of world peace and understanding.

Thank you to all my yogi friend who I have met during my time at the Ashram . I love you and hope to see you soon

Namaste

Bhima Mula Samvit

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