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morerawerbreath · 1 year

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Fictional Men Ranked Least to Most Likely to Eat Pussy

When I’m bored my powers turn to evil. Happy to announce that @earlymodernlesbian is not only is an enabler but wrote a gay companion piece which you can and should read here!!!!

NOW WITH PART TWO

10. Mr. Rochester — Jane Eyre

No chance of oral here. Sorry, I don’t think he puts Jane first once in this book. She’s too busy being a ministering angel to ever consider anything above and beyond her wifely duty and I don’t think Rochester ever really stops being a narcissist long enough to consider her desires or even, you know, her life. I bet his french mistress asked him to do it once and he was like “ew, no”

9. Rhett Butler — Gone With the Wind

Rhett says shit like “you ought to be kissed and by someone who knows how,” and then I bet would go down on you one time just to show you what you were missing out on, and then he’d tease you about how much you liked it for months afterwards and refuse to do it again. Imagine how much more normal Scarlett might have been if she was getting regular oral.

8. Konstantin Levin — Anna Karenina

Definitely knows about eating pussy and can’t stop thinking about it. I think he might even shamefully obsess about it in conjunction with his dirty peasant laborer fantasies. However, he also has the ascetic monk thing going on so I bet he hardcore represses his desires to actually do it. That being said, I think if he ever got over himself he’d be way into it.

7. Mr Darcy — Pride and Prejudice

I’m not convinced Mr. Darcy even knows going down on girls is a thing, but once Bingley had filled him in I bet he would try it. Elizabeth I’m sure would not object but I can’t see this happening more than once or twice.

6. Oliver Mellors — Lady Chatterley’s Lover

Mellors has the distinct advantage and disadvantage of being the only character from a book that actually describes sex acts. If it was based solely on what he said (being turned on by getting women off, not shutting up about Connie’s ass, talking about how much he wants a “real” woman with a “real” body), I’d say absolutely he wants to get down there and would use the cringiest words possible to describe it. However, they textually do almost everything else so I feel like if he ate her out DH Lawrence would have told us 😔

EDIT: he goes down on her in the most recent movie!!! vindicated

5. Jonathan Harker — Dracula

Jonathan is obsessed with Mina (rightfully) and loves her to the end of the earth, so of course he’d do anything for her, including eat her out. However, there’s so much putting women on goddess pedestals in Dracula that he might just like, repeatedly kiss her between her legs and and be like, “am I doing this right?” and Mina would be like “I love you so much Jonathan” but she wouldn’t actually get off, you know?

4. Heathcliff — Wuthering Heights

Someone who is willing to dig up your grave would definitely be down to lick your pussy. Cathy and Heathcliff are so rabid about each other I bet oral is like, one of the least weird things they would have done to each others bodies if they had the chance

3. Gabriel Oak — Far from the Madding Crowd

Not intimidated by Bathsheba’s independence and position of power. Could take care of her and spoil her if she ever let him and they both know it. Plus, not afraid to get down and dirty and do farm work for her. If a man cures your sheep and saves your hay before a storm, what else will he do for you? 👀

2. Mr. Knightley — Emma

Mr. Knightly is the definition of a service top. 100% confident in his masculinity and completely comfortable putting Emma’s needs and wants first, but not gonna let her get away with being high and mighty. Excellent combination of obsessed with her but still in charge. ;) She would get neurotic about it and he would tell her to chill out and he’d be right.

1. George Emerson — A Room with a View

George chugs his respect women juice and is so turned on by the idea of women as individuals with unique desires he can’t stand to see Lucy betray herself by marrying a robot. “I want you to have your own thoughts even when I hold you in my arms” ?!? “The desire to govern a woman lies very deep, and men and women must fight it together before they shall enter the Garden” !! What’s not to love about a pro-Eve humanist who enjoys swimming naked and is constantly telling everyone to be less embarrassed about desire and the body? No question George is going to be eating Lucy out every day of their lives and getting off on it himself.

Bonus:

Marius Pontmercy — Les Misérables

Shy, but also French. Not sure which one wins out here.

PART TWO

#pride and prejudice #emma #wuthering heights #a room with a view #far from the madding crowd #gone with the wind #anna karenina #lady chatterley's lover #dracula #jonathan harker #mr darcy #heathcliff #rhett butler #jane eyre #mr rochester #marius #les mis

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not-alien-girl-v · 10 months

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Disconnected (Matty Healy)

warning: not smut but it might as well be. mentions of doing the dirty but. it doesn’t happen. you know. also george gets roasted sorry georgenation

note: meow

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:*⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

he collapses on top of you, sweat coating his bare skin. a long exhale releases from his lungs as he sinks into your body. you keep your hands on his back, rubbing up and down comfortingly, soothing the angry red marks left by your nails just a few minutes ago.

he hums in contentment and places featherlight kisses to the right side of your neck. you giggle and push him off you.

“what? done with me already?” you don’t say anything, expecting him to just fall asleep like he usually does at the end of your ‘after he gets back from the studio quickie.’ it’s not always like this, your sex life with him, this is just one, predictable aspect of it.

it’s almost like you both know how good he fucks you when you ask for it, that it makes up for all the simple, mundane sex you have most of the time.

suddenly, he turns to his side, propping his head up on his hand, and his silent stare is harrowing. “yes?” you ask him, wishing you could read his mind. sometimes you swear he can read yours.

“can i ask you something?” he doesn’t meet your eyes when he says this, and you can only assume the worst.

1. would you still love me if i was gay?

2. will you help me bury the body?

3. when i die of terminal cancer, will you promise not to remarry?

you’ve just been staring at him staring at the crisp white bedsheets and when he looks into your eyes, you are reminded that he can’t actually read your mind, and your attempts at telepathic communication are feeble.

“sure, baby.”

“ok. i’m gonna ask you, and no matter what your answer is, i promise i won’t get mad. you hear me?”

“yes?”

he reaches out to grab your arm, “i mean it, i won’t get mad, i’m just genuinely curious, i’m not fishing for a compliment or anything, i just really want to know.”

what on earth is he on about?

“just ask your question.”

he sighs again. “who’s the best man you’ve ever hooked up with?”

you close your eyes in a mix of both confusion and a bit of disappointment. “like… character-wise or sex-wise?”

“sex-wise.”

you nod, about to say something.

he doesn’t let you.

“i bet it was george, wasn’t it. i’m sure of it. god, when you two hooked up, he was in his prime. i mean, not that he isn’t fit now, i’m sure he still fucks, but back then… i bet he knew what he was doing. how was it with him? be honest, i won’t be upset.”

you just smile silently as he can never shut his big mouth. “that’s pretty gay.”

he chuckles at your response, still egging you on for a real response. “come on, he’s a drummer, so obviously, he’s got rhythm, and he’s a very big boy, so you know he’s got the size.”

you reach forward to brush a stray curl behind his ear, enjoying his beautiful tranquility for as long as you can, because you know he will inevitably get riled up the more this conversation continues.

“i’m starting to think you just want to hear about what it’d be like to fuck your friends,” you brush your fingers through his hair continuously, and he closes his eyes, nearly forgetting about your conversation.

“you’re changing the subject darling,” he leans into your touch.

“so you’re saying you don’t want to know? what it would be like?”

he opens his eyes, “of course i want to know! we’re all straight men in committed relationships to beautiful women, i may never get the experience.”

you rest your hand on the edge of his face, rubbing his temple in circles with your thumb. “you know, if you ever wanted to fuck any of them, i think i’d let you. it’s only fair, since me and george, you know.”

“it wouldn’t be the same, though, because when you and him fucked, we weren’t together yet, i hadn’t told you i liked you. it would mean too much if i shagged my mates now since you and i are you know… whatever.”

you gasp in amusement, “did you really just refer to our relationship as whatever?”

he pouts, but you know he’s laughing on the inside. “i’m sorry.”

“it’s fine, i guess.”

“wait, you never answered my question!”

“alright. i’ll get into it. you ready?” he nods, looking more prepared than you are for what’s to come. “george was… i mean… it was good. to somebody else, maybe it was great. but to me? i don’t know, we just didn’t mix well together.”

“what d’you mean, baby?”

“like, okay, you look at a guy like that, you assume a certain thing from him while fucking. like you go into doing it with a level of expectations, somewhat high, and he just didn’t meet them.”

“can you be a little more vague? i think i’m almost understanding you, god forbid that happen.”

“fine, fine. truth is, he was too gentle. like you said, he’s a drummer, he’s super muscular, and he’s huge, you expect him to give a rough fucking or even something adjacent to it, and like, i mean, i’m a big girl, i can take it, but every 5 minutes was like ‘are you okay?’ ‘is this too much’ ‘do you need me to stop?’ you’d have thought he was a virgin the way he was so awkward and nervous and gentle. it was weird.”

“that is weird. i never thought that’s how it would be with him.”

“did i ruin the magic for you? now that you know fucking your best friend would be underwhelming?”

“it wasn’t magic, more morbid curiosity,” he speaks.

“morbid? it’s not like we’re talking about fucking a dead body, it’s just george.”

“agree to disagree, my love.” he gets up, butt ass naked, and pulls on some clean boxers from his closet. then, he stops in his tracks, and turns around to face you again. “wait, answer the question, for real this time. i won’t be mad.”

“it’s you.” you speak it plain, simple, and true. you wonder why he even debated the question.

“really?”

“really. it’s always been you.”

“aw, that’s so sweet. just don’t go getting feelings for me, i’m a lone wolf, don’t do relationships,” he warns as he walks out of his room, heading to his kitchen.

the irony hits you as heavy as the new engagement ring on your finger he presented to you a week ago. you laugh to yourself, feeling smitten.

he returns in a moment with a glass of water and sets it down on the nightstand next to where you lay. “drink, darling”

you obey, giving him a look over the rim of the cold glass as it rests against your kiss-swollen lips. you swallow, “you’re being pretty sweet to me, for a ‘lone wolf.’”

he smiles, enjoying the near endless banter between the two of you. “every alpha needs their omega.”

“ew, that’s gross, get out of here, you freak!” you gently nudge him off of the side of the bed where he sits.

he gives you his classic dumb smile as he leaves the room with the now empty glass of water, likely returning it to the dishwasher.

when he gets back, you can’t help but continue his dumb conversation. “i think i’m the alpha in this relationship, anyway. you’re my bitch.”

he nods in agreement, “i’m your bitch.”

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:*⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

taglist: @indierockgirrl @itssimpleanditgoeslikethis @milkluvr8 @americanangel

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m1ssunderstanding · 5 months

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Get Back Rewatch 55 Years On: Day Seven

Okay if anyone is super well-versed in the whole northern songs drama, I would LOVE your insights. I haven’t really looked into it, so all I know is they lost it right before the divorce meeting. What happened? What the hell is this? -- “Which includes Paul and John,” “Just about.” “What does that mean?” “No comment.”

The scouse getting thicker and thicker after “Carolina moOOn?” What can I say? I’m a sucker for it.

Paul’s absolute sugar-cookie heart-eyes when George walks in and then Ringo’s high-pitched “Hi Georgie!” Guys. Tone it down! I know you love him. But you just saw him yesterday, and you’ll see him again tomorrow. Oh wait . . . is today the day he quits?

John. If you look at your boyfriend like that while he’s being an attention-whore, he’s going to keep being an attention whore. So just. You know. Keep in mind what you’re encouraging here.

OMG they’re KISSING! (Live George reaction)

Paul. If you give your boyfriend what he wants while he’s being an attention-whore, he’s going to keep being an attention whore. So just. You know. Keep in mind what you’re encouraging here. (but literally, John just becomes a maniac, dancing and shouting, the MOMENT Paul goes to talk to George, and Paul’s instantly like “George, what george?”)

This Paul/George fight is, boiled down, literally just Paul being paranoid and anal and George trying to reassure him. “It’s not passe, it’s just a chord . . . yeah, but some drainies suit different occasions.”

“You need Eric Clapton.” “You need George Harrison.” John wasn’t here to be cute when George walked in, so he’s making up for it now.

“If you vamp, then it takes away from his vamping.” He says to the lead guitarist. Rolling my eyes so hard right now. See, the problem is, Paul loves George. But he’s IN love with John.

Literally, a montage of them raw-dogging it on the ground would be less gay than this insanity.

Poor baby. I would’ve quit a long time ago. Good for you.

I love John’s angsty guitar and torn-up vocals post-george.

And the minute her number one hater is gone, my girl gets on a mic! Way to be, honestly. And here’s the thing. Paul and Ringo (and obviously John) love it! There should’ve been a Beatles-Ono colab on a helter-skelter type track. Would’ve killed.

Paul swinging around on that scaffolding and me doing cartwheels in the bathroom between LSAT sections. ADHD besties!

John when George quits: “If he doesn’t come back by Tuesday we get Clapton in” (which he obviously doesn’t fully mean) VS John’s reaction when Paul misses one session: sprinting down the road and climbing a wall and screaming at him

Yoko sure does know how to cater to a fearful-anxious attachment. “John, John, John, Joooooooohhhhhhhnnnn!”

Literally Mo, marry me immediately! My kingdom for a kiss! She’s literally soo beyond gorgeous, I’m dying. Okay sorry I’ll be done now.

Men are the WORST! But who is making her laugh like that? Ringo? Is she looking off in the direction of the band? I can’t tell.

Another rare Paul feminist moment! Woop! “A7, D7, G7. Get ‘em off over the weekend and you’re in.”

“So, cats and kittens. What we gonna do?” . . . “Catch up! Cats and kittens. Don’t get left behind.” ???? There have got to be so many secret jabs on RAM for John to hate it so much that we just don’t understand. Is this one of them? Was this a saying of theirs?

Okay, good job. Now that the band is here, Mo isn’t being fucking mean-girled out of the circle. Also, Ringo sits by his wife, John by his girlfriend, and Paul by his daddy. As they should.

“The maresey beat awords for the best coople of the yeeuh.” Everyone studiously ignoring him. He’s so embarrassing.

I really really love Mo, though. Like I know I’m biased because she’s pretty, but her cute little “Yes!” when Paul jokingly suggests they do it at the cavern. She loved those days. The fact that she’s an og? God bless her, literally.

“Location isn’t really our main problem at the moment.” George Martin. “It’s breathing, actually.” said in the most casual voice possible but meant with the most wounded heart. Gosh, that one hurt. And then look how George Martin looks at him. His best boy is going through it.

The huggle! Ringo initiates it with Paul, of course, turning to him and gently gripping both biceps as he forces deep, direct eye contact. But then as Ringo’s pulling away, Paul leans into him and holds him there, talking. And as Ringo’s nodding, he looks to John, who basically pounces on both of them, head bowed, arms aggressive, pulling them all in, tighter, tighter until it’s a three-way head-bonk. Ringo’s hand at John’s waist now, and Paul’s fucking iron talons clenching desperately around his bicep. But still, John manages to pull away from Paul’s grip as Yoko inserts herself between them where, really, she decidedly does Not belong. It’s got to be the most painful non-hug ever recorded on camera. Nobody knows what anyone wants, let alone how to give it to them.

Why did the gayest one also have to be the saddest one though? I guess the Lord gives his hardest battles to his gayest soldiers, smh

#Very image-heavy this time #Pictures just spoke louder than words I guess #paul mccartney #the beatles #john lennon #mclennon #ringo starr #george harrison #get back

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dreamonminecraft · 3 months

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I mean, George’s been showing an attraction for men (fictional and real) for ages, not just Dream. Those thirst traps he used to watch.. his fascination (not just jokes) with dicks over the years. Also he went from being very awkward/careful about any gay mention (remember how upset he got over the ’bottom’ comment?) to fully embracing that now. He even got upset when the sidemen thought he would be bad at head like? For me, in the past two years, he (seemed to at least) fully accept himself. That obviously doesn’t mean you’re ready to be out about it. But going out to gay clubs with Larray, being in their ’twink’ tiktok thing they did and all other moments.. they bonded over *something* surely. So yeah, I was shocked about this whole thing, not gonna lie. It’s the first time ever we’ve heard about him in connection with women, in a non-platonic way. Like remember when he went on that girl trip with the Botez sisters in 2022? Just him and the girls and them talking about that ’Zaddy’ waitress or whatever it was 😂 And all the moments of him seeming uncomfortable about talking of girlfriends and boobs and yeah, I don’t know. He’s always been just gay in my eyes (based on the things he’s done/said and not stereotypes or looks just to be clear.) Or even about just dnf either. Like take Dream out of the equation and I would still think that. Now sexuality can be fluid of course. Maybe he realised he could feel something for women too? Maybe it was an exception to the rule? Or maybe, he experimented a bit and what do we know what he really felt about it? People try things sometimes, for many different reasons. Maybe he had a little crisis or something. Maybe he was heartbroken over Dream flirting with someone else in the same room like? Or maybe he is bi/pan ( not trying to deny the possibility, I’m bi myself so.) But yeah, just my opinion, not some actual truth here ofc ❤️

I think that's a really fair assessment. From what we knew of his private life (up until a few weeks ago) he was attracted to men (real and fictional) and never shared details of any prior real life experiences with anybody (women or otherwise - first kiss, past partners, etc)

He's fine with the perception that people have of him being gay (obviously it doesn't hurt his career. not saying he's queer baiting) but Dream was very 'im straight. I kiss girls. I date girls' before he knew he wasn't straight, and when he started to realize that he wasn't, he still acknowledged that he liked girls while recognizing his changing feelings. George is just very private in general.

There's a clip from one of the very first dsmp streams where Dream calls George gay "he's like that one closeted friend who doesn't say I love you because he doesn't want to out himself" (my least favorite Dream joke ever, thanks) and you know how he justifies it to the (rightfully) uncomfortable chat? "I wouldn't say that if I wasn't 100% sure George was straight."

George's response: "Straight outta Compton"

I mean this guy has been actively denying any sort of public labeling of his sexuality by anyone for almost four years. Maybe he's in the same position as Dream and he just doesn't want a label (doesn't know/doesn't like the pressure/whatever) or maybe the public perception is something that he doesn't want. Whatever he is, I think it's pretty clear he's some sort of queer.

#i do feel a little weird being so thrown off by him (maybe) not being gay #like it feels. biphobic #im bi.#i don't care if he's bi or pan or whatever it's just fucking with my head #asks

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addsalwayssick · 2 months

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Marauders Night At the Museum Au part 1

Remus pressed his lips into a line a quirked his eyebrow. James, on the other hand, smiled. “Thank you, sir.” James said, patting his back.

“You start tonight. There are rules in the cabinet.” Albus said, waving them out of his office door for the night.

Albus soon packed up, leaving both Remus and James behind in the sunset.

Remus pulled out a book, starting to read. “You’re so boring. We should be exploring.” James sighed, spinning around in a spinny chair.

Remus rolled his eyes. The sunset drew to a close, as a curtain of darkness fell upon them. James, now sleeping in a chair, only awoke when Remus screamed. Now, James was expecting a robber, or a burglar or something. What he was not expecting was a skeleton dog trying to get behind the circular desk that James and Remus were sat at. James was wide awake now. “Holy crap! What do we do?” James yelps.

“Get the rules!” Remus says, his voice rushed.

James tries to open the cabinet Albus said it would be in, failing to. “It’s locked!” James said.

“Try again!” Remus shouted.

“I can’t!”

They heard a piercing whistle throughout the museum, and everything stopped. A man wearing tight pants, and a complicated top came out. The skeleton dog rushed to him, sitting by his side. “What are we doing chasing the new night guards?” He asked the dog. The man was gorgeous. With his long dark hair, eyes silver yet warm, and a smile radiating through the cold air of the museum.

Remus thought he was beautiful. Remus had never thought of anyone like that. “Who are you?” Remus said, coming to his senses.

“I am Prince Sirius Orion Black the lll of France. Well, previously I suppose. It is…2024, non? Well I was disowned in 1775, so I suppose that’s that. I was killed in 1780, though, so it didn’t matter.” He said, his black hair swishing elegantly, despite his sad story.

“Are you alone?” Remus asked carefully, his mind swimming with questions. “Are you real?”

Sirius laughed. “No, i’m not alone. I have my brother Regulus. He got disowned and guillotined in the same day. He technically died before me. Only by a month, though. And no, i’m not real. I’m made of wax.”

“Where is Regulus?” James found himself clearing his throat and asking.

“Well he got sent out for enjoying men’s company and guillotined for having no desire to be a woman, so most likely changing. They’re awful here, they put him in a corset every day. He changes, every night though.” Sirius told them.

Remus and James’s mouths dropped. At the stunned silence, Sirius groans. “Please don’t tell me you don’t like the fact we prefer men over ladies. Ladies are lovely, I just don’t like them. The last night guards were like that and-“

“You like men too?” Remus chokes out.

Sirius nods carefully. Remus gets up out of his seat, patting Sirius in the back. “I’m sorry that happened to you. I promise James and I don’t care. I’m bisexual and James is Pan”

Sirius furrows his eyebrows. “You speak two languages? As do I. What does that have to do with anything. And James is a pan? He doesn’t look like one.”

Remus laughs. “I like men and woman. James likes everyone.”

Sirius frowns. “Oh. That’s nice. So what am I called?”

“You just like men, right?” Remus asks, taking him to the seats. The dog follows. Sirius nods. “Then you’re gay, probably.”

“Gay? As in happy? Well, I suppose I am happy with men.” Sirius thinks aloud.

Remus laughs, brushing his hair out of his face.

James, on the other hand, is nearly banging his head against the desk. He truly didn’t think life could get any crazier after his boyfriend of 2 years broke up with him, kicking him out, with no job. But of course, wax statues, skeleton dogs, animals, and is that a talking statue of George Washington? are coming alive. James was not having the best time. He was happy his best friend, Remus, finally met someone (even if it was a wax statue) and thought that was awesome, except for the fact they were talking wax statues that are now alive. Wasn’t Remus supposed to be the logical one?

But then again, all his logic apparently flew away when a man walked down the stairs with James’s clothes on. James coughed. “Those are my clothes.”

The man turned to him and frowned. “Hm. Sorry. Yours must have been the locker I nestled into. I have to steal these clothes you see, because apparently committing so called treason and getting executed isn’t enough for me to be put in men’s clothes.”

“Oh, no! It’s totally okay, just a bit of a shock. Considering it had my name on the back and things.” James choked.

James had walked in wearing a spider-man t-shirt, black jeans, and a letterman jacket from high school that said ‘Potter 03’ on it. He had to change into his uniform, so the clothes went into the locker.

It seemed wrong that someone as elegant as this man before him was wearing something so casual. He looked as if he belonged in a painting.

He smiled. “Thank you then.”

“Are you Regulus?” James asks, fascinated by this new man.

Regulus nods. “I suppose Sirius had told you our entire life story?” James nods. “Thought so.” When James looked confused, Regulus sighs. “He tells everyone.”

i haven’t posted any writing in literally forever so have this unfinished scrap xx

#james potter #sirius black #remus lupin #jegulus #sirius #sirius x lupin #wolfstar #regulus and evan and barty #sirius and regulus #remus and regulus #regulus black #grahhh #dies #cries #sobs #addie writes

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tonitheloftwing · 7 days

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I SAW THAT POST TOO LMAO

its crazy, like if you’re gonna be an exclus at least be consistent

“Men can’t be lesbians unless they’re genderfluid bc they’re not REALLY men” LIKE DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF???

Queer discourse of any sort seriously drives me insane, but lesbian discourse makes my head hurt more than anything else 😭 my journey of coming to ID as an aro lesbian who loves bald and/or pathetic baby men in fiction was a long one wrought with distress, mainly due to people who go around pretending to be the Gay Police. Like, as of right now, I’m a mostly cis, mostly female-aligned, lesbian who is only attracted to women irl, which fits most people’s idea of what a lesbian is. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt by lesbian exclusionaries, because every single time someone comes up on my dash being like “I hate lesboys I hate mspec lesbians!!!” I’m like. Well what if later down the line my gender shifts to be more masculine again. And I like my little fictional boxer boys, does that make me a “bad” lesbian?

This is the new talking point i try to use as leverage against exclusionary ppl. By being exclusionary towards certain groups of lesbians, you’re hurting all the lesbians - even the ones you’re white-knighting for in your exclusionary statements - because you’re showing us that if we do something you don’t like with our gender or sexuality/romantic identity, you’ll come after us. If i see somebody being exclusionary, I automatically assume they’re gonna see me kissing George costanza’s bald head and make a callout post about it because he’s a stinky, rotten man.

This is very discombobulated bc I have thoughts. But tldr, as someone who isn’t mspec and is hardly male-aligned, I still hate exclusionaries. Especially exclusionaries who use “you’re hurting the real lesbians!” As an excuse to be nasty. Like no, I think lesboys and mspec lesbians are cool and them existing has done no harm to me.

And that’s not even addressing how a lot of lesbian discourse loops back around into like, radfem/terf bioessencialist territory. Men are not inherently evil and scary and bad. Just liking women doesn’t make you a better person than someone who likes men, or men and women, or anybody in between. We’re all just beings at the end of the day, and gender is made up anyways.

To end on at least a funny note, here’s a tumblr post from yaoiboypussy that I will be thinking about every time i hear ppl fighting over lesbians now

Also I’m sorry for not answering this sooner, tumblr never gave me the notif 😔

UPDATE JUNE 14: I THOUGHT I POSTED THIS DAYS AGO AND I GUESS I DIDNT. OOPS

#queer discourse #tbh I was on the verge of infodumping about my spin and my queerplatonic gf thru this whole thing #redefining the term lesbian to mean someone who really really likes fictional boxing and my gf specifically #that way I will be the queen of all lesbians

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crippled-peeper · 5 months

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It's wild watching a George Michael interview from like 2 decades ago where he's trying to explain to the interviewer that cruising and casual sex is part of gay culture and that she doesn't have to get it but she does have to respect it. Only to open Tumblr and see you going through the exact same thing. It's homophobia plain and simple and it's crazy that people don't get that

So many people take the absolute worst faith takes from that post and it’s astonishing. George Michael was correct

My favorite is people arguing IM homophobic for acknowledging cruising and hooking up as a part of many (but not all) gay/bi men’s lives…. Like… I’m not being homophobic by being a slut and being myself and embracing the men around me for how they are. Maybe they’re being homophobic for seeing us exist and screaming “no!!!! Impossible!!!!! gay men only fuck their monogamous lovers!!!!!”

I love men and I love how men love and how men fuck . gay and bi men are my whole world . I love my friends so much. those ppl can die mad and alone for all I care

#homophobia

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fruity-phrog · 5 months

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A brief list of all Daisy’s gay and autistic moments in Mistletoe And Murder:

1. “George isn’t mine! I’ve never met him!” (Being shocked and outraged at the prospect of people thinking she liked a guy)

2. “Boy, to [Daisy], are usually simply less interesting versions of girls.”

3. “I don’t think [Daisy]’s the sort of person who falls in love with boys.”

4. “Men do not interest me.”

5. “You’re not like other people, Daisy.”

6. “Even Bertie’s caught it [of being in love with Harold]!” (I know it isn’t particularly gay but I’m putting it in here)

7. Hazel saying she knows Daisy, and she “would never” date Alexander.

8. Daisy not realizing that Lucy and Felix were together even though Hazel did.

#your honor I love her #cedar crap #mmu #murder most unladylike #Daisy wells #mistletoe and murder

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cookie-de-baunilha · 2 months

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I love how John firmly and wholeheartedly believes that Jamie is the only person that knows about his relationship with Percy, when in reality there’s about 1% chance of that being the case.

There were a lot of people who probably suspected/knew about them. Maybe not before Percy’s exposure, but after that situation? Oh boy. They would look at their close friendship in hindsight + John being miserable after everything that happened and just put 2 and 2 together.

Especially the ones closer to John, but other people in his social circle too. People talk. The gossip would be wild. Before going on campaign those two were going out and about in London together, having dinners, attending plays, going to gaming clubs etc. At the time, no one would pay much attention to it. But that would drastically change after the incident with Percy.

Let’s not forget about the “near scandal” John was involved in with George Everett that had him exiled to Ardsmuir.

So… everyone kinda knew about them?? Ok not everyone, but a bunch of people. And it’s funny how John is delulu about it. Let’s see:

Hal

First of all, Hal knows John is gay. They just don’t talk about it openly.

Hal would notice John’s behavior after Percy was caught. He knew John would be a witness in Percy’s trial and was afraid of what could happen in that case. He knew John felt betrayed and tried to manipulate John’s anger towards Percy to get Percy killed. John couldn’t do it — if Hal still had any doubts, they ceased to exist the moment John came back from his conversation with Percy with that gun.

Not to mention the fact that Hal read the letter that Percy sent to John. The very first paragraph of that letter is basically Percy using pretty words to say that he would die for John. And at some point in the letter Percy writes that John told him about his father’s murder. Like??? It took 17 years for John and Hal to talk about it, and suddenly John would be openly discussing his family’s secrets with his new stepbrother? And you expect me to believe that somehow Hal thought that it was a normal friendship?? Nope.

Also, Hal’s advice to John in MOBY:

Hal merely snorted. "Men like that never die so conveniently. Why the bloody hell is he telling you this, do you think?"

Grey suppressed the vivid memory of bergamot, red wine, and petitgrain.

"I don't know. But I do know he's deeply involved with French interests, and-"

"Wainwright's never been involved with any interests other than his own," Hal interrupted brusquely. He gave John a sharp look. "You'd do well to remember that."

"I doubt I shall ever see the fellow again," John replied, overlooking the implication that his brother considered him gullible — or worse.

It’s impossible that he doesn’t know.

Benedicta

Mothers just know ok?

But seriously, Benedicta is really smart and she definitely knows that John is gay. In fact, if anyone suspected anything before the incident, I would bet on her.

Minnie

She knows.

Olivia?

I’m not sure about her, tbh. Maybe she was clueless. But then we have this conversation between her and John and it’s kinda sus (mind you, John is depressed af at this point):

Lucinda Joffrey and her husband

Firstly, both John and Percy running away from Lucinda’s arranged marriage plans like the plague might have made her a little suspicious. She might have suspected about John way before Percy came into the picture, in fact.

And she notices how bad John is after everything. She gets really concerned with him:

She goes as far as tricking John to see a doctor for his mental health, with the help of Horace Walpole:

Ally queen!!

Her husband not so much though, side eyeing John like Whitney Chewston, the homophobic dog:

Sir Richard be like 🤨🏳️‍🌈?

Horace Walpole

This is the funniest one to me, but also the sweetest.

First of all, Horace sees how shitty John is and works in cahoots with Lucinda Joffrey to trick John into going to the 18th century version of a therapist.

And then:

What I love about this interaction is the way that John knows that Horace is queer, but refuses to admit that Horace would know about him too.

The way Horace hesitates because HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO REFER TO PERCY. He wants to say lover (or ex-lover) but he knows that he isn’t that close to John and that it would be weird to be so open about it — and he also doesn’t know how John would react. Even if he is 100% sure that John is gay, he can’t be sure that John wouldn’t feel offended or react in a violent way.

But he also doesn’t want to say “friend” or “stepbrother” because he KNOWS THEY WERE SO MUCH MORE TO EACH OTHER. He knows those are not the right words to use. So he hesitates until John makes it simple.

HOWEVER. He knows that Percy being caught with another man must mean that John was betrayed. He knows John is hurting, not just because of the betrayal, but because of the brutality of it all — after all, betrayal notwithstanding, Percy got arrested and could get executed for being gay; for being just like them. That’s something that affects all of them as queer people.

So even though he can’t be open about it, you can feel that he wants to bring that comfort to John, because he knows how bad the whole thing is and how lonely John must be feeling. He wants John to know that he will do whatever he can to save Percy’s life. He wants John to have hope.

It’s sad, but also so sweet?? That silent solidarity.

AND JOHN “DOUBTS” WALPOLE KNOWS!!! MY DUDE!!! YOU. ARE. NOT. THAT. DISCREET.

A bunch of people in Hal’s regiment would be suspicious of John just because of their family connection — due to, you know, homophobia (and John being unmarried, unlike Hal)

TL;DR: John and Percy weren’t that much of a secret tbh, everyone close to them (or not that close) kinda knew. Everyone except General Stanley. That dude was clueless.

#outlander #lord john series #lord john and the brotherhood of the blade #brotherhood of the blade #lord john grey #john grey #percy wainwright #percy beauchamp #john x percy

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archerism · 9 months

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i finally got up to “sometimes you hear the bullet” in my MASH rewatch and i have so, so many thoughts about the queercoding of tommy gillis and by extension hawkeye in this episode that it is quite literally driving me bonkers, and so here are…so many words about it, i’m so sorry in advance.

Anyway.

honestly, even if it was entirely unintentional, i don’t think the queer coding of tommy can be denied. MASH has plenty of queer jokes which don’t necessarily indicate to the audience that we’re supposed to read a character as queer, sure, but with tommy, the sheer volume and percentage of his time on screen these take up makes me wonder, like…what’s the point in all that, if we’re not meant to read him that way? he’s basically introduced by kissing men (hawkeye on the neck (plus an “i love you”), henry on the mouth). there’s also the matter of him being stated to be a communist (or at the very least a former communist)—and the fact that in the 50s communist sympathies and homosexuality were often lumped in together (forgive me for citing wikipedia, but this is not an academic paper).

which brings me to hawkeye. it’s immediately established that tommy is a close friend of hawkeye’s—and if we’re assuming here that tommy is meant to be read as queer within the text, this establishes that hawkeye at the very least tolerates “subversive” behavior (MASH canon is all over the place, so it’s unclear if this could be intentional characterization set-up/follow-through for his canonical—again, at the least—tolerance of homosexuality in “George”). in fact i’d say the episode has him participating in subversive behavior, but in another way—and i’m probably about to lose some people here, but—the fucking joke about leather being in one of hawkeye’s dirty mags that dish reads while he’s away…leather culture is also closely associated with homosexuality and considered subversive (it’s less frequently associated with homosexuality itself in the early 50s, but by the early 70s, absolutely; and it’s under that “subversive” umbrella regardless).

there’s also of course tommy referring to a younger hawkeye as a “sissy” (i don’t think i need to explain that one). while you can definitely read this as just a punching-down sort of joke, i’d argue that the episode has tommy share hawkeye’s canonical tendency to hide things behind jokes (honestly, this episode practically sets the two of them up as personality clones, which adds to my hawkeye-by-extension thoughts). he quite literally makes a joke on his deathbed—he’ll joke about anything, any time, like hawkeye does. if, like i do, you use this tendency of hawk’s to explain his queer jokes as alluding to his actual queerness, it’s pretty easy to map this on to tommy—and then on to hawkeye, as the subject of the “sissy” joke. (that, or it’s a self-referential comparison…like, ‘look at this sissy, that could never be me’ [limps wrist]).

lastly—and i’m running out of coherency here, sorry—tommy’s sole reference to finding women attractive is a quick “we’ll split a nurse” to trapper as he’s leaving, followed by a quick look to hawkeye. i keep coming back to this and hawkeye’s “don’t say prance” line, which given the rest of the episode feel more like defenses than anything else—tommy’s an in-text one to retain plausible deniability to trapper, hawkeye’s a more meta one to retain plausible deniability in the narrative. if anything, given the state of TV and politics and such at the time, this just adds to it for me. why are you defensive, if there’s nothing to defend?

anyway, this was roughly 600 words just to say: this episode is gay as fuck, and i’m rotating it in my mind forever

#mash #i held myself back from citing some of the texts ive been reading in my lgbt studies course bc this is tumblr but like. My god dude.#i could write a for real academic essay on All Of This #bc What!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!#beyond the fucking tragedy the queer coding makes me insane. ....clearly.#long post

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denimbex1986 · 4 months

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'2023 was awash with leading queer men (finally), from Andrew Scott and Paul Mescal in the psychological ghost story All of Us Strangers and Jonathan Bailey and Matt Bomer in toe-sucking drama Fellow Travelers...

One of the most anticipated new films, however, is The History of Sound. The queer romance drama, adapted from Ben Shattuck’s titular novel, had pulses racing when Mescal and God’s Own Country star Josh O’Connor were cast as the leads back in 2021. (We can understand why. We suffered the same fate.)

From cast members to the plot, here’s a recap of everything that we know so far about The History of Sound.

What’s the plot?

The History of Sound is based on the Pushcart Prize-winning novel by Ben Shattuck, a collection of 12 short stories that are set across three centuries and explores the generational patterns of love and loss. Each following story provides a revelation of the previous entrant.

The title story follows two young men in the shadows of WWI who are determined to record the lives, voices and music of their American countrymen. Lionel (Mescal) and David (O’Connor) begin to log the events, whilst falling in love in the process.

The adaptation is being directed by Oliver Hermanus and produced by Tim Haslam, Andrew Kortschac, Lisa Ciuffetti and Andrea Roa. Hermanus is best known for his Queer Palm Award-winning romance Beauty (2011). He also serves as the director and executive producer of Sky Atlantic’s upcoming historical queer series Mary & George, which stars Oscar winner Julianne Moore and Red, White & Royal Blue’s Nicholas Galitzine...

Who is in the cast?

The only two cast members confirmed for The History of Sound are Mescal and O’Connor.

O’Connor memorably starred in the critically-acclaimed same-sex romantic drama God’s Own Country. The heartfelt love story develops when a Yorkshire farmer’s (O’Connor) life changes with the arrival of a Romanian migrant farm hand named Gheorghe (Alec Secăreanu). Despite initial tension, the two soon become engaged in a passionate meet in nature.

Mescal, who rose to fame in BBC’s Normal People, recently starred in Andrew Haigh’s psychological adaptation of Japanese ghost story All of Us Strangers opposite Andrew Scott. The film follows Adam (Scott), a screenwriter who is pulled back into his childhood home “where he discovers that his long-dead parents are both living and look the same age as the day they died over 30 years ago”. At the same time, Adam falls in love with his “mysterious” neighbour Harry.

In an interview with Variety at the time of the cast announcement, Hermanus opened up about the powerful love story and working with Mescal and O’Connor.

“I instantly fell in love with Ben Shattuck’s flawlessly beautiful short story and knew I had to be involved in its journey to the screen. Paul and Josh are two of the most promising actors of their generation who will share with us deeply soulful performances,” he said.

“This is an unexpected love story that needs to be told — it is a journey through the life of America, across the 20th century and the traditions of American folk music, all seen through the bond between two men immersed in the history of sound.”

Has filming started?

The film had been slated to begin filming in summer 2022, across the US, UK and Italy. However, Mescal revealed in a May 2022 interview with The Hollywood Reporter that the film was on pause due to conflicting schedules.

“But the learning for me is that I’m just dying to make films with people I like, and Josh is one of those people that I would work with in a heartbeat,” he shared.

On 11 January 2024, FilmUpdates posted that the film was due to begin filming in March, this year...'

#Paul Mescal #The History of Sound #All of Us Strangers #Andrew Scott #Jonathan Bailey #Matt Bomer #Fellow Travelers #Josh O'Connor #Ben Shattuck #Oliver Hermanus #Normal People #Andrew Haigh #God's Own Country

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prpfs · 1 year

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🤕 Hi! I’m 21, Looking for 18+ rp partners please!

I have a few canon characters I’d love to play and some oc’s that I’ve been dying to use! But before I go into them I’ve got a few things to ask please (this is new, but I’ve been ghosted so many times that it feels like I need to say this😭)

If you like my post, please be serious about rping with me, I’m ok if you get busy or lose interest, just please let me know and don’t just ghost me. I’ve had it happen so many times recently and I just wanna let people know that I’m looking for serious, friendly long term (or as long term as possible) rps.

Ok! Onto my current canon characters that I’m dying to write! (I’d like to play these guys/Girls as Subs/switches! I also won’t play canon gays/lesbians against men or women, but I’m happy to play characters that don’t have a canon sexuality as bi/pans or anything!), but I am happy to double up and play them against other canon characters/oc’s!

Shadow and bone (I haven’t seen the new season yet!): Kaz Brekker, Jesper Fahay, Ivan, Fedyor Kaminsky, The Darkling, Matthias Halver

Heartstopper: Charlie Spring, Nick Nelson, Tara Jones, Darcy Olsson

House of the dragon: Daemon Targaryen, Aemond Targaryen, Aegon Targaryen, Lucerys Velaryon, Jacaerys Velaryon, Rhaenyra Targaryen

Peaky Blinders: Thomas Shelby

Marvel: Bucky Barnes, Wade Wilson, Steve Rogers, Peter Parker, Loki, Tony stark, Johnny Storm, Clint Barton

Harry Potter: Draco Malfoy, Regulus Black, Remus Lupin, Severus snape, Sirius black, Charlie Weasley, Fred and/or George Weasley, bill weasley, James potter, Albus dumbledore (young), Gellert Grindelwald (young)

Gotham: Oswald cobblepot

Now onto my oc’s! I have a few with specific fcs and some that don’t really have a fc yet and those I’ll send a list of possible fcs and let you choose!

1. Robin Barnes, a dragon shapeshifter (they/them pronouns, Bi and genderfluid! Fc is Damiano David)

2. Corin Lopez, a human (he/him pronouns, bi [male lean]! Fc is Boyd Holbrook)

3. Hannibal Tarly, a human based in the world of Westeros (he/him pronouns, Gay! Fc is Matt smith)

4. Corin Martell, a human based in the world of Westeros (he/him pronouns, Gay! No specific fc)

5. Samuel Carver, an Angel (he/him pronouns, bi and asexual! Fc is Tom holland)

6. Henrikas Bane, a vampire (he/him pronouns, bi! Fc is Sebastian Stan)

7. Aegon Oretsev, an elf (he/they pronouns, Pansexual! Fc is Tom Glynn carney)

8. Asmodeus White, a human with telekinesis (they/them pronouns, gay and genderfluid! No specific fc)

9. Viserys Hightower, a human (he/him pronouns, Gay! Fc is Thomas Rossier)

If any of these canons or oc’s grab your attention, hit like and I’ll reach out to you!

Thank you💞

Leave a like, and anon will get back to you!

#shadow and bone roleplay #shadow and bone rp #heartstopper roleplay #heartstopper rp #house of the dragon roleplay #house of the dragon rp #peaky blinders roleplay #peaky blinders rp #marvel roleplay #marvel rp #harry potter roleplay #harry potter rp #fandom roleplay #fandom rp #oc x oc #oc x cc #cc x cc #mild

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undignifiedpopemobile · 1 year

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my driver hotness rankings

besties and behateds of the jury, this is maybe the most unhinged thing i will ever post but it is my sistine chapel it is my mona lisa. this is to me what citizen kane was to orson welles. i will prove to you today that my driver hotness rankings are objectively correct. i have assembled the evidence i have constructed my argument. (love you ell this one's for you.)

nyck (i’m so sorry). look someone has to go last. i am not prejudiced against short kings but it must be acknowledged that in combination with the face he is giving gnome. also i have seen the shirtless pics, and he is more ripped than george for christ’s sake there are so many ridges on his torso. he looks, to steal a phrase from patton oswald, “painful to fuck.” and i don’t have a vibe check on him yet so there is nothing else to compel me (benoit blanc voice) also i am not yet convinced he’s fast, which would increase his standing, because, say it with me, being good at things is hot. check back in after a few races. the thing where they tied him to a wheel rack was funny but not enough.

pierre. he’s fooled so many people into thinking he’s attractive with his beard contour and his donald trump ass haircut covering a truly atrocious hairline but there is no force on earth that can cover being a crypto bro. i have known so many and they are, without exception, the worst and more irritating people on the planet. if you own an nft you are not hot. if you TALK about it you are less hot. he has abs or whatever but i honestly think he is too ripped, similar to nyck. and i haven’t even mentioned the fact he’s a pedophile! his narrative used to be compelling to me because he got kicked out of red bull and i love redemption but he is a mid driver and a bitch and christian was right to fire him.

lando. this one may be controversial but i’m right and i can prove it: he looks like he’s twelve years old. who am i, pierre? i think the fuck not. admittedly he has nice eyes but he has a very oddly-shaped head. i could snap him like a twig, which looking at my dating history is not necessarily a deal breaker, but it is if he’d whine like a little bitch the whole time. he has never known the touch of a woman and he never will. the vibes are also atrocious: he’s a spoiled brat, and his interests are twitch and golf?????? he might not say racial slurs but he definitely crosses the street if he sees a black man. says he feels “uncomfortable” being around gay men with his shit off. bitch. i must clarify that i don't actually hate him but he has committed the worst crime to me: being a little irritating.

checo. people say he looks like tom cruise with a double chin but i just watched top gun and no he fucking does not. he looks more grizzled than fernando but in a haggard way not in a rugged cowboy way and he’s got a dad bod but not in a hot way. and the vibes are fucking off, absolutely swagless. fucking come on he’s had two seasons of getting his ass HANDED to him by max every week. i know it’s hard to be max’s teammate or whatever but i am pointing to him and saying MID. i don’t know anything about him personally except he’s got rich sponsors, he probably cheated on his wife, and he’s a homophobe. however he will move up if he goes full rosberg in 2023 and ruins christian’s life i do not pretend to be unbiased. the thesis of this one is that it is not hot to be boring. but if he becomes interesting i will change my mind.

oscar. see lando. he looks like a child! i do not believe he is 21 they are LYING because he's actually 14 and it should be illegal to let him drive. i do not believe he remembers obama’s first election. he’s up higher because i believe he is considerably more attractive than lando he has a sweet honest face i would kiss his little cheeks. but is he hot? ask again in five years. the narrative is also compelling to me because he did said “fuck the french” and that is hot that is HOT, but again, as of yet no vibe check. i see something in his eyes that indicates to me he may win the twink war but until first blood is spilled that is only hypothetical. sorry oscar nothing against you honey.

kmag. ok look. maybe i just don’t remember what kmag actually looks like but the picture on the f1 website is not flattering he looks like the stock photo wincing old man. i don’t think he’s unattractive really but i cannot put him above the rest of this list i fear! when he got pole that was really hot but what else is he giving? talking about balls? that wasn’t hot when dan did it and it’s not hot for kmag either. the vibe check should have enough data to produce something but it is coming up empty!!! i just do not know i’m sorry kevin. you do not have the x factor. you are not irritating, but to me, you are boring.

estie! you know he was below kmag but today i saw that gifset of him with long hair…. i could fix him (get him a hair stylist) he’s uncomfortably lanky. rat man may be affectionate, but rat man nevertheless. also i played myself by comparing himself to the flushed away rat because now i cannot see him without thinking about that. he’s got a really hot girlfriend which means he’s probably a feminist (will go down on a woman) and i know he doesn’t come from money. both of these things compel me tis true! but they are not enough to overcome the tragic truth that he looks like a cartoon character

hulkenberg. look ell i know i said he was conventionally attractive and i stand by that. he IS. but he also looks like a fucking ken doll. he has the GR wax doll disease. he went into the uncanny valley and he fucking founded a city-state there he’s building fucking governance structures and supporting a small private army to defend trade routes. his skin is so like….. tight. uncomfortable. and he is not redeemed by the vibe check. a million fucking races and no podium? and he wasn't only in shit cars! he was supposed to be a world champion coming up through the feeder series and he fell short of his potential. falling short of your potential is narratively compelling, but not in a hot way. i am pressing the big buzzer that says MID. boring.

lance. literally forgot about him until i got to number seven and then i was like….. wait a minute wait a fucking minute. he and nando are mirror opposites lance is here purely by virtue of his conventionally attractive little face. i can hear the ghosts of my jewish ancestors telling me to settle down with the nice billionaire jewish boy. but you know what? his voice is fucking irritating as shit and he has the least interesting variety of daddy issues. he’s got no fucking personality and he’s a nepo baby and he’s a mid ass driver and lawrence will not convince me otherwise by holding a gun to nando’s head and making him say shit about how good his stupid little failson is.

NANDOOOOOOO ok i know this one is controversial but i don’t give a shit it’s my list. i know he’s fucking eighty do you think i care? no. i couldn’t give less of a shit what he looks like. all that matters to me is that he wakes up every single day and chooses to be a mischievous little bastard who foments….. something. el plan etc etc. yes he fucking blackmailed mclaren yes he has committed war crimes yes he is a misogynist. what is this twitter? i do not have to be morally correct here. and lest we forget he is in fact a fantastic fucking driver (hot). let the slow dismantling of the stroll dynasty begin. and he has the most important variable in my calculations: he is interesting.

guanyu. my problem here is vibe check coming up empty. he’s reasonably good looking, he’s nice, he seems to be in love with val (good taste! see the coffee video) he’s the second most stylish man in the paddock mostly by virtue of the competition being fucking pathetic. he’s a little short but i am not prejudiced against short kings! but personality wise i fear there is not much there although probably this is on me for being a dumb american and not speaking chinese. also he’s like. ungodly rich. like richer than stroll. and the CCP of it all is not beautiful. perhaps most damningly: is he a good driver? i do not know! give him another year, but the jury remains undecided. he is right in the middle but i reserve the right to move him up pending developments

logan. you don’t know how much it pains me to put this motherfucker in the top ten. he looks like he was recruited into the us military directly out of high school because he was failing english and knew he couldn’t get into college, but unfortunately he is also objectively very handsome. he’s not higher for obvious reasons (florida. donald trump.) but i cannot put him lower purely off the virtue of his captain america fucking face. fuck him i hope alex makes him cry real tears on track by lapping him in every single race. but he is hot. maybe he'll prove me wrong and he can stay here! but if he brings fucking..... jd vance or whatever as a guest to a gp it's straight to 20 i shit you not.

alex. out of all the men on this list alex is probably the one i would most like to date. he’s nice, he’s reasonably charming, he’s a feminist, he’s got the angst of losing that red bull seat without the pierre of it all, he’s got the compelling homoerotic friendship with george but you know what this is not sash’s list of dateable men it is driver hotness and we must acknowledge the fact that he is not particularly good looking! like estie he has a fucking banana nuts hot girlfriend, but facially he is not always giving. he’s cute; he’s not necessarily hot. he’s this high only because i kept bumping him up because i was like “well i can’t put him below fucking LOGAN”. also, while i believe he’s a good driver, is he REALLY good, or just good? beating the shit out of latifi does not convince me of anything! like mick beating the shit out of mazepin it’s pretty much guaranteed to happen.

max. ok ell hear me out. right now he is not looking too hot but it's because of the bad haircut and he’s not racing. being good at things, say it with me, is hot and the only thing, the ONLY THING in max’s life is being good at racing. he’s fucking fast. also, he seems like he’s actually kind of a fun guy. when he laughs at his own jokes that is very cute i think. the little eye crinkles. the cheeks. when he’s got his hair grown out a little and a five o’clock shadow going… he can fool me into thinking he’s actually good looking and doesn't a little bit resemble sid the sloth from the ice age movies (sorry. but it's true) and the version of him i have made up in my head and convinced myself is real is extremely fucking compelling!!!! admittedly the kelly dynamic almost knocked him down but it takes two people to make a dynamic and i guarantee you i would not be giving any maternal energy at all. i think i could fix him (introduce him to pegging)

yuki. that’s right fuck you. he’s funny as fuck and we could do karaoke together. i would carry him around in my tote bag and he could eat off the children’s menu at restaurants (cost of living is high you save where you can.) he’s giving face and he’s giving body he’s actually so fucking handsome and the reason people are sleeping on how beautiful he is is because of the particularities of anti-asian racism, where “western” people read traditionally east-asian features as unmasculine, and therefore they are either fetishized or dismissed as romantic/sexual partners entirely. well i’m anti-racism bitch! yuki is HOT! also i know he’s not that good at driving or whatever but do you know what’s even hotter than being good at things? not giving a SHIT!!!! yuki is the spiritual successor to kimi raikonnen on this grid i’m fucking right and i’m the only one brave enough to say it. f1 is a hobby for him and he treats the sport exactly as it should be treated (with disdain, like it’s a mild inconvenience or errand on par with vacuuming) maybe this is inconsistent with my "being good at things is hot theory" but you know what? fuck you. it's my list i do what i want. if i contradict myself than i contradict myself

george. yeah…… i’m quite frankly a little shocked and upset he’s this high. i know i made this list myself but i’m not keeping track very well in all honesty and i’m about four drinks in. but you know what? i’m not blaming alcohol. this is accurate for my hotness rankings. i’m a bit of a george girl at the moment. every new fact i learn about him makes him more compelling to me. he's the george bit of alex's homoerotic relationship with george! really i only need one story about him to compel me: getting himself into the merc driver program with the power of microsoft powerpoint. he’s the most “he’s just like me fr” driver on the grid for me and i’m a big enough woman to admit that. the version of him i’ve made up inside my head has a personality and you know what? unfortunately for the haters he has proved them all wrong and he’s an excellent fucking driver. i don’t think he’s better than lewis but he stood up to the pressure of that second merc seat fucking fantastically even with his biological father there judging his performance the whole time! and i know he looks a little bit like a robot but it must be admitted! he is attractive! he’s got a great body! idk i’m gaslighting myself i guess it’s my deep-seated american desire to infiltrate the upper classes of england and bring it all down from the inside. but i’m keeping him in spot number five. and fuck anyone who disagrees.

valtteri. i mean. other than yuki the closest to kimi we can get on the current grid. lost his merc seat and immediately said “my ass will be fully out for the rest of my life and there is nothing you can do about it” can you imagine the amount of time toto wasted just saying “no valtteri you cannot post hole on instagram”. he’s a feminist he’s an icon! he’s not an outstanding driver but he’s solid! by number of wins currently fourth best cunt on the grid i believe! the mustache! he has alex albon energy in that i would actually date him but i think he’s more attractive. he is the only blond-haired blue-eyed man on the list who does not even a little bit activate the “nazi detector” in my brain which is admittedly a little overactive in the current political climate. i don’t know love isn’t rational. but i love him. i love him, your honor. and you will not convince me otherwise with facts (he's not really objectively all that physically attractive)

carlos. look the ferrari boys were pretty close together and ell i know you disagree with me here but ultimately it comes down to one thing i will discuss in the charles ranking and a couple things i will discuss here. yes he’s hot. fucking obviously. it’s barely worth pointing it out he’s outrageously attractive. but as i have said many times hotness is about more than the physical! and the vibe check is mixed. he does have the most compelling flavor of daddy issues (father is loving and supportive but still an unattainable ideal. the closest thing to god on earth for carlos sainz jr is carlos sainz sr and what a terrible legacy that is to bear) but on the other hand golf! and he has a weird and not very sexy voice! and he’s probably violently catholic! and there’s stories about him being kind of a dick to fans! i did not verify either of those things but fuck you this isn't journalism. and, most damningly, i believe that when it comes to driving he is…… FUCKING MID. there i said it. he got lucky his first year with and he’s still in denial about being the second driver to charles leclerc. have you seen the fucking instagram? girl fred vasseur may say he'll let it be decided on track but charles is coming to family dinners in the vasseur household. delusion is not hot unless it’s in a funny way (see: fernando, el plan). and i swear to christ if he messes up even a single race for charles this season because he thinks he’s better i will knock him down to the bottom of his list without remorse.

charles. it’s my list fuck you. other than george, charles (the version of him i have made up inside my head) is the most like me on the grid. he is— pause for dramatic effect— fucking COMPELLING. (benoit blanc voice) you know i love a narrative and he’s got a fucking narrative. he plays the piano (hot) he’s got the sexiness of the french language without the lameness of being french (yes i believe monaco is a historical mistake and a geopolitical aberration and should be incorporated into france and all those cunts should pay taxes but objectively monaco is very sexy!!! walt whitman i contain multitudes) and he’s got the catholic guilt of driving for ferrari without the lameness of actual catholicism (looking at you carlos) is he the most interesting bitch in the world? no. but he can hold a conversation, he has more interests than just racing and video games, and he’s much funnier in french, and as these boring ass guys go he’s pretty funny even in english. also, again, takes two to make a dynamic and i am funny enough for any two people on the planet. also, and this must be said, he’s a fucking excellent driver. BEING GOOD AT THINGS IS HOT! AND we have not even mentioned the fact that physically speaking he is what we call a Specimen. he’s got body, he’s got face. i know you don’t think he does ell but with respect you are wrong. he’s got the cheekbones he’s got the nose he’s got the fucking ridiculous shoulder to hip ratio, he’s got the hand porn. he has literal protagonist eye syndrome (they appear to be different colors depending on the lighting) he’s fucking insanely hot.

Lewis. I mean it’s just quite literally the only correct answer. he’s giving face, he’s giving body. the tattoos! dan thinks he has cool tattoos but he has pete davidson disease lewis actually has really cool tattoos. but his hotness is literally the least compelling thing about him. he’s multi-talented (music??? so hot) he’s not just a racer, but like, let’s not discount the fact he is the best f1 driver of all time. like i’ve established it’s hot when people are good at things (except golf). he’s not a businessman he’s a business, man. he’s got mad fucking drip. his politics are.............. of mixed quality really but by comparison he's practically bernie sanders. of all the drivers he’s the one i think i could make a socialist if i had a twenty minute conversation with him. i could get him to read marx i could get him to read zizek. not even to mention the compelling fucking narrative of his life. the karting years the brocedes of it all the mclaren civil war he is producing CONTENT. yes he speaks like a motivational poster and the dog account is cringe but the flaws make him human. if he were too perfect he would be less hot.

this is the judgement of the court

#ell i love you but this really should not see the light of day #max verstappen #charles leclerc #lewis hamilton #valtteri bottas #carlos sainz #george russell #yuki tsunoda #alex albon #sigh. why did i write this #oh that's right! drunk.

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onegianthotmess · 4 months

Text

Amelia’s Ikemen Vampire Contact List

The contact names and group chats I would have for these chaos men.

Napoleon Bonaparte - Panty Sniffer👀☹️

Either this name or “Trashy Fanfic Author✍️💕” would be my contact name for him

IRL Napoleon wrote a self insert love novel, so I’m saying Ikemen!Napoleon did that

It would probably switch between those two, if I’m being honest

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart - Fucking Germaphobe✋🙄

Pretty self-explanatory

I’d make fun of him for it and he’d probably yell at me for sneezing and coughing around him-

SORRY I CAN’T CONTROL WHEN I SNEEZE, YOU CLEAN WHORE-

Leonardo da Vinci - The Bisexual Cat Man💗💜💙🐈‍⬛

One, this man sleeps like a fucking cat

Whenever and where ever he wants

Two, you can’t tell me Leo and Comte haven’t at least had one maybe maybe not drunk night of sex together

Also, it’s a historical fact that Leonardo da Vinci, in real life, was most likely gay

But I’m saying Ikemen!Leo is definitely bisexual

His sex drive doesn’t discriminate-

And there I go rambling again, this isn’t my headcanons on what these sexuality of these weirdos is, it’s what their contact names would be in my phone-

Arthur Canon Doyle - Attention Slut Writer💃✍️

He doesn’t charge for attention, he gets it for free-

Also we’d probably just end up sending each other weird memes that we find while we’re up and on the internet at, like, one in the morning

Vincent van Gogh - Bubba😇🎨💛

As I’ve stated before, the van Gogh brothers have unofficially adopted me, so I’m their baby sister now

And I’m pretty sure people would ask if I’m actually related to them since me and Vincent both have the baby face curse-

Theodorus van Gogh - Bubba🖕🥞💙

Again, unofficially adopted older brother

Except we’re assholes to each other because that’s how we show our love to each other

Even though the bitch calls me a damn hondje-

I’m using salt instead of sugar in his pancakes for a month-

Dazai Osamu - Window 🪟

Seriously that’s all I got

He just climbs in through the windows to get into rooms, even my room

He’s a weirdo, but so am I, so I can’t really judge him-

Isaac Newton - Apple Pie 🍎🥧❤️

I’m his mom friend, I’m allowed to tease him

Also it was either this or “Fucking Nerd 🤓” and I didn’t want to be that mean

Also I’m the only one allowed to make apple pie for him because I don’t make fun of him for it outside of one tiny comment-

William Shakespeare - Wilhelm Shookspear🎭📝🍐

Tbh, I’d mispronounce his name just to piss him off

And then I invite him over to piss off Theo so that Will won’t be mad at me because I find him at least decent

Also, he’s Vincent’s bestie, why would I keep my unofficially adopted big brother away from his bestie he’s probably kissed while drunk once or twice

Le Comte de Saint-Germain - Mommy Comte🥰🥰

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, Comte is the mother of the mansion and Leonardo is the chill as fuck dad

Also, the residents are his children

It’s literally canon that he unofficially adopted them

Sebastian/Akihiko Satou - Husband 🥰

Self-explanatory

I could’ve been mean, but I love him too much and he’d revoke my affection privileges for a week and replace them with twice as many forehead flicks

Meanie bobeanie

But I love him-

Vlad - Strawberry Shortcake🍰💐🥀

It was either this name or “Dusty Old Man😐”

And he’s pretty as fuck, so that name didn’t really fit in my opinion-

I give him free strawberry desserts, he gives me free flowers to decorate the mansion with

It’s a win-win, really

Johann Georg Faust - Pyromania💥💥💥

Tbh, I’d make fun of him for his death all the fucking time

Mutual agreement that we insult each other and try to kill each other half the time and the other half we civilly interact with a sprinkle of petty insults

It’s fun!

Charles-Henri Sanson - Baby Blues💙💙

He has pretty eyes, what do you want from me?

Also he’s a babie, he needs love!

I’m borderline adopting most of these idiots at this point but I don’t care-

THEY’RE TRAUMATIZED AND ADORABLE!!

ESPECIALLY CHARLES

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sparxwrites · 1 year

Text

The Asshole-Of-The-Internet AU

sparx god. dsmp has internet and comms are iPhones and tommy gets banned from dsmp Twitter so he has to anonpost on dsmp 4chan

hoodie RKJGHRKGHKJGHERHGJHRHGH TOMMY ON 4CHAN OH NO

sparx …………oh no now I have “what if asshole-end-of-the-internet dsmp au” 4chan kiwifarms whatever else

hoodie they try to radicalize him but it doesnt work bc he literally is in exile

sparx SCREAMING okay but au where dream runs 4chan. Wilbur stars as null who fucks up 4chan and then makes kiwifarms when he gets run off the site. tommy is the normie they’re both desperately trying to recruit. Schlatt runs rise of kings or whatever tf the pick-up artist site is called

hoodie OH MY GOD YES

sparx this is perhaps the worst thing ever I have had in my head and I do not say that lightly

hoodie its SO fucking funny tho tommy in the reddit dms with wilbur who is trying so so hard to get him to join his site but tommy just keeps asking how many bitches wilbur gets from kiwifarms and wilbur has to say 'niki left me bc i made the site'

sparx SFAHDJFKGKGLSGSHDKGHRKRL niki left Wilbur and went to found ovarit which i think is like. the radfem site heghghgh

hoodieRJKHRJGHGH wilbur radicalised niki

sparx his dick was so shit it radicalised niki………….. George on 4chan but he just fuckinf sucks at being nasty and keeps messaging dream like “there r people being racist on here :/“

hoodie george on 4chan telling ppl to stop saying slurs

sparx YEAH YEAH u see my vision

hoodie george: idk this is kind of mean :/ dream, typing out smth incredibly evil: its just the internet it doesnt matter

sparx dream has to pretend occasionally he has morals for the sake of the bussy which he still has yet to get him and quackity are moots on some incel website

hoodie hes in it for the long game RJHGH quackity is on an incel website bc sapnap and karl left him

sparx he watches Schlatt’s webinars on negging

hoodie REJGHRJHHG quackity: takes notes so he can use it to win back sapnap quackity is literally the only gay person in a sea of pathetic straight men who are threats to society

sparx diversity win! this homosexual is a pathetic man who’s a threat to society <3 techno bc he is a chad only has a Snapchat that he uses to post gym thirst trap gains pics

hoodie RGJHJGRHGH sapnap is also a chad who only has snapchat he and techno have each other added so they can compare gains quackity hate screenshots all of their posts and jerks off to them in the private of his sad sad studio apartment

sparx HRGHRJGJGKD YES Karl makes Twitter threads so long u gotta use that unroll app for them and refuses to add image descriptions tho george keeps begging him

hoodie RHGERJHGHG why is george the most moral person in this au im crying hes just a normal guy trying to do the right thing

sparx Tubbo runs a parody account of a major political figure, except he’s actually very smart and has a lot of good ideas and the political figure is very stupid and so a) many people think tubbo’s account is actually the real one and news outlets regularly report his tweets as tho they’re fact, and b) he realises slowly that the guy he’s parodying is actually copying his ideas

hoodie ERJGHEGHERJGHKJERHGJGHERJHGJHGERJGHJGHRJGHRGH THATS....OH MY GOD wait what if the political figure is like Eret or smth

sparx Tommy: tubbo they banned me from 4chan :( Tubbo, typing under his “@scrotus” account: wait a second Tommy I’m trying to influence international trade policy with China

hoodie KJERGHEKJGHJRGHGHRJGRHJGH clingyduo in this au goes so fucking hard also dream violating the rules of his own site to ban tommy is SO funny tommy has to go back to reddit

sparx I do also love the exile implication that it’s possible to get banned from 4chan YEAH

hoodie dream just wants tommy's cringe ass off of 4chan tubbo should honestly be banned from twitter but at this point everyone is convinced hes really eret and eret's actual account gets banned for impersonating a public figure

sparx hrbrhfhfr YEAH eret does not attempt to get unbanned bc at this point he desperately needs tubbo to keep his ratings up

hoodie tubbo is really the only thing keeping the public opinion of him up tubbo is the last bastion of hope for his reelection tommy literally is barely aware of all of this hes too wrapped up in whatever tf is happening with wilbur and dream ranboo has a tumblr

sparx ranboo has a tumblr and has no idea tf is going on out there

hoodie eryn used to have a prank youtube but he went too far and got permabanned JHRGHRJHG ranboo is safe....

sparx he's busy reblogging fanart of the founders of 4chan and kiwifarms kissing

hoodie KJRFHEJKGHJGHRJGH dream considers doxxing ranboo for this crime bc ranboo is the one drawing that fanart

sparx YES YES YES

hoodie wilbur on the other hand turns the fanart into his mousepad and sends pictures of it to dream

sparx tommy: ranboo why are you drawing rpf of my brother ranboo: wait these are real people ranboo: ............................wait your brother founded kiwifarms?????

hoodie tommy: yeah ranboo: ......................tommy im sorry but this has to go in your callout post tommy: youre making a callout post about me? ranboo: i have one in my drafts just in case : ( sorry : ( i have one for all of my mutuals

sparx aLJSDKJFHERJGKHERKJGEFKJGHE OFC HE DOES

hoodie this is all said by a guy who has been drawing fanart of kiwifarms founder kissing 4chan founder....hypocrite

sparx the joke’s on ranboo, tubbo has files on all his friends with their addresses phone numbers known aliases known associates family members birthdays social security numbers and photos of the outside of their house

hoodie TJGHERHJGHJERHGHRGHJGEGHHGG tubbo is prepared to drop these if any of them ever cross him even wilbur wont fuck with tubbo and wilbur also has the full doxes on everyone...expect for dream this is part of why dream is wilbur's arch enemy sorry this is the best au of all time

sparx this is a absolutely the best au of all time wilbur is obsessed with getting dream's dox

hoodie wilbur: tommy im not going to help you do your homework, im trying to dox dream

sparx he's like. tommy. tommy i gotta get dream's dox. there's only ONE way to do this. tommy: stalk hi- wilbur: seduce him tommy: ...............aight i'm out

hoodie RKJHGJHH tommy: have fun you fucking freak wilbur: oh i will, i will : ) tommy:

sparx tubbo, absently, scrolling twitter: do you want me to make homosexual sex illegal? i could probably do that ranboo: my fanfic is coming true?! tommy: ..................................what the fuck is wrong with both of you

hoodie tommy: why is everyone i know a wrongun?????? ranboo: im not a wrongun...am i? tommy: you draw fucking art of my brother making out with dream ofc youre a wrongun!!!! tubbo: im going to outlaw rollerskates

sparx DSKJFSHHKGJ tubbo's just casually running a country

hoodie tubbo is basically the president at this point shockingly a positive thing when we compare it to dsmp canon that was not so positive for tubbo karl makes a thread about how tubbo isnt actually the real president but tubbo just responds saying 'yeah im a parody account' and literally no one believes him

sparx everyone's like, oh, our eret, so witty! so funny! look how down and hip with the kids he is

hoodie RGJGHRJGH

hoodie also im watching a schlatt video rn and honestly schlatt needs to be in this au more i think he should be the third person trying and failing to radicalise tommy

sparx OKAY BUT THIS AU IMPLIES SCHLATT MANAGES TO LIKE. TAKE KIWIFARMS FROM WILBUR front page news that's like "I'M THE EMPEROR NOW BITCH"

hoodie HE SHOULD ERKJGHJRHGHGHG he fucking stages a coup

sparx jannies lockout

hoodie RJKGRJGHGH wilbur is literally flipping things in the other room HIS GLORIOUS SITE....HIS KIWIFARMS.... his unfinished symphony

sparx UNFINISHED SYMPHONY OF KIWIFARMS

hoodie JRHGH schlatt perma bans wilbur and tommy's accounts and also doxxes wilbur then hes like 'if i find out any of the users here are female im banning them too' this is how wilbur and niki eventually end up teaming up bc he convinces her that schlatt is the true evil

sparx HOWLING HE WOULD

hoodie 'this is a manly site for men ONLY'

sparx niki: wilbur i will work with you if you publicly record a video saying ur dick is tiny and ur head game sucks wilbur: ........... :( ok

hoodie wilbur: anything to get my site back.............

sparx ranboo: so that new video from wilbur..... uhh. anyone else think it was kinda....... 😳 tommy: ranboo. my brother. i am going to kill you.

hoodie tommy: ranboo you have one last chance to apologize or i will end your life right here and now ranboo: sorry for being gay 😔 tommy: not sorry enough!!!!!!

sparx SORRY FOR BEING GAY im gonna shit

hoodie RJGHGGHGH ranboo is sorry for being gay for your brother, tommy

sparx hmmmm who have we forgotten in this au

hoodie hmmmmm tina fundy fundy is a scorned kiwifarms mod who thought he was wilbur's fav

sparx JSHDFKJDFHG fundy: i was your SON wilbur wilbur: fundy. you're 19. i am 21. fundy: your SON

hoodie fundy: you ABANDONED ME wilbur: i was literally kicked off of my own site

sparx fundy: i'm gonna kill myself now wilbur: lmao. -wait NO DON'T

hoodie TJKGHRGHRGJH wilbur: wait bro are you joking? wilbur three days later: i think he actually did it fundy, not dead: taught him a lesson lol

sparx skdjfjsdkjghdfkjghdfkj

hoodie this au is a blessing

sparx it's Something!!!!

#dsmp tag #asshole internet au #here you go you pack of fucking reprobates #enjoy!!!!!#i guess!!!!!

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