#i’m going to go listen to mono on repeat so many times

[goldensunset]

> name your favorites

there is literally nothing id rather do more i fucking love vocaloid and kikuo is basically number one i put my kikuo playlist on repeat all the time. im a lil fucked up and its cathartic what of it <3 (joke)

(also i am actually studying japanese - i got into vocaloid because of that actually lol - so i instinctively use the japanese names sorry djfjsjf i promise im not trying to be pretentious thats just how i have them saved in my brain)

anyway number one is im a basic bitch with gifted kid burnout and impostor syndrome. i have never related to a song more than i do aishite aishite aishite

number two is probably fukai mori. i just Really Like the ethereal and mystical sound of that one

number three is a straight tie between the two longest ones <3

kara kara kara no kara my beloved eight minute experimental monstrosity you will always be. well duke i guess since aishite and fukai mori have you beat. whatever

and my beloved absolute-mindblowing-experience-with-stereo-headphones anagura-gurashi... ochite ochite ochite youkou yo...... ikenai ikenai samishii samishiiiiiii......... seriously i love how with headphones the two voices come from different ears and the music sounds like its coming from behind you... dont fall in the holeeeee

i have a particular soft spot for kimi ga shinde mo yurushite ageru because of how soft and genuine it sounds. i also like how it can be interpreted several different ways but lbr thats just the joy of kikuo in general lmfao

O LIGHT. o light makes me actively insane. the fucking accordion break amidst a near operatic, desperate song is SOOO fucking good

uhhhhhhhhhhh. clicks over to my playlist. mono wo parapara kowase is a classic. shikabane no odori also.

gomen ne gomen ne is also a Very good song but uh. dear god above. whoof. that one is Rough even by kikuo standards. theres a reason its infamous

i also like yoru no uta its one of the boppier ones while still having kikuos vaguely depressing, mysterious lyrics

i already mentioned i really love mitsukannai but i also adore ii ko to youko lol. the scream at the end is so good

and uhhhhh. his latest one according to his yt at least lol. sono manma. i cant. remember the full title. is also really good

those are the ones i have on my playlist at least i definitely need to listen to more but he makes such good music and has so many songs its a bit overwhelming lol

oh god i talked more abt kikuo than i did majoras mask. jfgjdjf i like music a little bit <3

WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT KAERU NO ODORI. that one makes me insane the continously increasing tempo and percussion combined with the increasing repetitiveness of the lyrics. its soooo good its so good. eieeeen ni eien nii......

SHAKING UR HAND!!! i am also. well all i’m going to say is that kikuo music sounds normal to me and then i take a step back and realize that like oh man this says something about me right. if someone else knew they’d be like man what is going on with you inside your brain. but it IS cathartic. and sometimes i just want something insane to describe a very specific type of nameless emotion

also i like. tbh i alternate between english and japanese titles when referring to these songs LOL. like some are japanese to me and some are english to me simply. but i’m the reverse actually i’m casually studying japanese because of vocaloid! like i don’t watch anime or want to live in japan i just want to daydream about properly translating these lyrics

first i’m gonna respond to the ones you already mentioned <3

nothing wrong with being basic aishite aishite aishite is also my top favorite and the reason i got into kikuo etc etc!!!!. sometimes popular things are popular for good reason!!! i absolutely love the feeling of desperation and insanity in that one y’know? dear people who have co-opted it into a yandere song listen i’m glad you’re having fun but you’re so missing the point there it is about being parented poorly. in any case it’s a banger tho!!

i LOOOOVE kara kara kara no kara fun fact that was one of the first ones i listened to back when first getting into kikuo/vocaloid in general and my initial impression was like ‘ack what is this’ and like it got so intense and fast it like spiked my heart rate which made me uncomfortable. then i revisited it the following year after having had my metaphorical frog boiled and was like ok actually this isn’t that weird at all it’s a wacky banger. again with the like. songs that cover a type of emotion you can’t describe. when kara kara kara no kara hits nothing else does

anagura-gurashi WAOH so fun with the steel drums and the garbled vocals from miku at that one long high note and the just general dark and drowning type vibes… i discovered apparently relatively recently there was like an animation meme going around set to a cover of this song and now i’m like oooh i wanna get in on that… also yasss the panning back and forth and multiple voices. multiple kikuo songs do it and it’s sooo fun

kimi ga shinde mo yurushite ageru yo IS a pleasant sounding one. i may not understand what’s going on there and knowing kikuo it’s surely dark but like. lot of these songs have the vibes of like ‘yes there’s something wretched going on here probably but let’s have fun with it let’s make peace with it’. soshite kimi wa tsuki ni natta is similar in that vibe. dark yet whimsical about it… that’s the secret sauce kikuo tends to deliver. even better when it’s catchy

the vocals on hikari yo are i n c r e d i b l e are we talking about the hanatan version here? i’m like the number one kikuohana fan in the world you don’t understand. for this song in particular like wow the way she just sounds like she’s desperately screaming everything out like begging for help trying to get out of an endless nightmare… how do i get a voice like that dude!!!! love the way the song starts with like a single beat of pause and then instantly goes 🎵AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH🎶 also no kidding!!! when the accordion comes out you know you’re about to hear one of the greatest tracks ever produced. who else uses it like this guy man

mono wo parapara kowase!!! littlejayneycakes’ english cover is not bad actually. what an interesting concept…. being obsessed with destroying the things people love just to mess with them because you have a fixation on like spiritually destroying them, but then they love you, so now you fall under that category, and this destroy yourself… song’s a fun chaotic one too

shikabane no odori is dear to my heart bc like a few years ago before i was even into the vocaloid scene an artist/editor i followed would make video edits of a certain game i liked set to whatever music they liked and they were into kikuo so i first heard a lot of songs from them so i associate them with those awesome edits. honestly that same artist has gotten me into so much lol

gomenne gomenne is like the one thing i’m not brave enough to give a second chance lol. there’s dark and weird stuff and then there’s That. i know i’m stronger now than i was when i first heard it/read the lyrics but like It Was That Bad.™️ its entire own level for my own sanity i closed the vid after i was like halfway through

yoru no uta is fun (depressing undoubtedly) when i’m listening but it isn’t as fun to sing along with bc of how repetitive it is. yoru yoru yoru yoru yoru yoru yoru yoru… the new vid is fun though

i already said but ya those are some of my favorite kikuomiku7s! plus fukai mori no naka de for the reasons mentioned. and yesss absolutely on the fun yell at the end

as it is, as it is, without change (don’t remember the japanese title either lol) i think i’ve only listened to once or twice so i’m not sure

kaeru no odori is such a fun lil silly one hehe

ok so for my favorites (bc this post isn’t long enough right):

1. aishite aishite aishite (already talked about)

2. urami no warutsu. SUCH a banger honestly. like malicious fun ghost revenge plus fairy tale waltz vibes and so incredibly catchyyyy… tooi tooi yoru no hate de…. urami tsuzukeyo aishita hito yo…

3. desert theater. i NEED more people to hear this one it is just stunningly beautiful if i am being so honest. hanatan is PEAK here. the lyrics are like typical kikuo but the background music is unlike anything else he’s ever done and i need more. and the fun time signature…

ok those are the ones i solidly have a ranking for but my next batch of top faves that i didn’t already mention:

• akazukin no ookami- this one is so much edgy funnnnnnn good old i want to be evil hee hee. a very straightforward one conceptually (you are the wolf tricking little red ridinghood)

•ufo- for reasons mentioned it’s so shockingly different from everything else. both genuinely beautiful and relatively low energy and somber compared to the rest of kikuo’s discography. sounds so wistful and homesick and yet whimsical as you’re being whisked away into space… the part where the tempo rapidly speeds up and then slows way down before returning to a steady pace is my favorite. lot of incredible accordion solos in this one

•butaisei nanika/histrionic- oh how badly i need a good english cover of this one there are so many characters and ocs i’d love to work with this song to… another somber banger. yeah man let’s put on masks and play pretend through our sorrows. featuring more incredible accordion and more steel drum like in anagura-gurashi!!!

•nobore! susume! takai tou! - this is the kind of song i’d love to sing with a huge group of people where we like each take turns singing each verse as a solo and then on that recurring refrain we all sing or something

•midwinter’s daughter- too lazy and tired to translate this one into japanese but i just love the like kind of cold yet bright feeling it gives off. another slow melancholy one plus it’s a duet

•i am amazed how underrated lie lie lie is tbh. also the way not even hanatan can sing all that at full speed without needing to desperately gasp in the middle of the chorus there

•wolf boy can be fun

•aisare hibiware kagami no uta is a REALLY fun one especially with the two octave slide up at the end??? when i successfully sing that and hit that note it’s such a good feeling. like this is the kind of thing i’m talking about when i say kikuohana needs more attention

•fukouya no musume is a fun one for like halloween or something. or maybe it was just one of the first spooky ones i heard. the first few seconds sound like a horror movie then it hard cuts to something kinda swanky then hard cuts to silence underneath the vocals aside from like hard piano hits. idk how to explain it but the chorus does this interesting thing where like the melody itself is just jumping between the same two or three notes in rhythm but the backing music changing underneath is what gives the music its rich color

•moon demon is a more recent addition to my playlist i love a good song that kind of sounds like you’re torturing a machine but also slow jamming but evilly

•sea is has some really nice background music to it (it’s not much of a lyrical one) (also yes the title is ‘sea is’) there’s a youtube channel i like that creates instrumental piano covers of lots of voca songs and esp kikuo songs and they have a really lovely one for this one. i may be insane but also gentle piano my beloved. check out bosshogg

ok these are all the ones i’m going to mention JFHXBDJDNDJND i have a lot but a lot are just kind of background noise to me. thank you for rambling about music w me

[regular-lord-reckoner]

so, my 10 year high school reunion was this past weekend.

i did not attend. instead i went to a weekend retreat to pigeon forge with people from work.

had a pretty decent time. the second night got a little ehhhh after everyone had been drinking a lot, but all in all it wasn’t too bad.

had a really nice conversation with a lady i hadn’t properly met since she works at a different office than one i’m usually at on the rare occasions i’m called in.

we started talking about the paranormal and somehow we ended up talking about her kids and stuff they’d been going through as a whole family and she really confided in me and i opened up some to her, too and it was just a nice moment. she gave me a big hug before we left and said she really enjoyed talking so that made me feel pretty good.

i’d really been struggling with this feeling of like...what the fuck do i have to be proud of at this point in my life?

like...as of next month i’ll be 29. i turn fucking 30 next year and i realize that’s by no means old, but when you’ve been over life as a concept since you were a child it’s a very, very, VERY long time to be alive and it’s VERY exhausting.

i feel like in part because of that i’ve just kind of...wasted the last ten years of my life. and i dunno, maybe this is just how my journey’s supposed to go and for whatever reason it’s only now that i finally feel capable of getting a handle on my shit, but it’s hard when i’m seeing groups of friends i used to hang out with and be kinda close to all over social media talking about how great it was to catch up and i know they’re all doing amazing shit and yeah, none of them are probably 100% satisfied with their lives either, but by comparison i feel like i fall so short.

even if i’d gone just a few months ago i could have at least shared that i was doing something that was important with the work i was doing even if i had nothing else to show for my life and where i’m at by this point, but now it’s like.......ohh, i couldn’t hack it at that because my anxiety was eating me alive so now i’m back at a job i swore i’d never be doing, something that before i can finish explaining to people i can see the interest leave their eyes so......yeah, cool.

i guess it sounds shitty to say, but after being the weird kid my whole academic career in small town fuckville deep south usa i’d always kind of fantasized about one day purposefully blowing off my reunion because i had better shit to do or because i’d have moved far, far away and couldn’t be bothered but instead i’m....one of the few who never left and i live with my parents and i’ve got nothing going on for me nor did i even get to fucking glow up but i’m......here, i guess.

idk. i’m really trying here not to let it get to me because i know this is one of my worst habits and one of the easiest ways to ensure i’ll spiral into a month’s long depressive episode but i’m just a little sad about it nevertheless. i know this entire time hasn’t been a complete waste and there have been a lot of really cool things i’ve gotten to do and experience so i’m grateful for that, i guess right now it’s just hard not to be disappointed in myself and wish i’d done more.

idk. i think i’m happier being where i was this weekend and i feel like i needed that conversation more than i needed to see a bunch of people i haven’t seen since the time they came to my house right after my sister’s funeral, so i think i’m good.

the good news is, i finally got the stuff for my insurance today which means pretty soon i get to make good on my promise to myself to start therapy for real this time so........oh boy!!!! can’t wait.......for that!!!!!!!

[stormblessed95]

Hey storm, hope you and your family are doing well. I’ve really been enjoying your blog posts lately esp the ATLA post. Who was your favourite side character in ATLA? Mine was Mei, I had such a big crush on her, that I remember being upset when we found out that she was with Zuko (please note, I did not know this was a crush at the time because… ✨heteronormativity✨… so pre teen me was confused). Also, the secondary reason why I am here is because I’ve got some potential army recruits at work. My work environment is pretty relaxed, so we often take turns playing background music from our own playlists. I’ve got the entire office hooked on butter and boy with luv so I’m pretty proud of myself overall lol. Presently, i’ve got two of my co workers properly hooked, and have been reeling them in slowly but surely (not in a cult like way, or MLM way, she says convincingly). My next plan of action is to establish the ‘oh sh*t’ connection, since we’ve got the basics out of the way. I know for me, the moment I watched Jimin’s live performance of serendipity, I wasn’t able to look away. Like I seriously repeated that same video over and over, and when I then explored the other members, I realised that I was gonna be in this bts thing for life, hence the ‘oh sh*t’ (I’m british so I should clarify this phrase has a positive connotation, equivalent to holy hell or woahhh). My question to you, is what 1 or 2 performances, would you recommend I show them for each individual member? Feel free to include fancams or individual/unit performance if you would like. Also, I have no preference on the era or if they are cover songs (cause rainism exists). Thanks Storm x

Hi! This is such a nice ask. Thank you! Oooo omg I loved the crap outta Mei too. Talk about a badass 😍 I won't lie, idk about favorite side character but I had the biggest childhood crush on Azula and on Zuko. Which that also should have told me something that I didn't even register early on. Pretty sure they were my first fictional crushes though. And the fact that they were both villains. Yeah, idk what that says about me. Maybe I don't wanna know. The fact that fictional villains are still who get me too 😅

I recommend things based on the person and what I think they would like, or what their music tastes are outside of BTS. So you've gotta be flexible! Lol

For Joon, again depending on their style of music, but I would probably recommend Persona as a solo and Not Today as a group song he shines in. Or if it wouldn't scare them away as too many in one go, I'd want them to listen to Mono as an album. Because WOW.

For Jin, the solo I would go to is Moon, especially if they like BWL lol I love his voice on that track so much. And as group song I think he shines in Crystal Snow. Because WOW. And I would also want to try and sneak in Come Back Home because his falsetto at the start is insane. But Epiphany is a great song to hook people too

Suga, ahh this will be hard to narrow down. Lol For his solo, I'm going to go with Intro: Nevermind. (Lyrics) It's honestly one of my favorite BTS songs too. And Seesaw is a good one live too. For a group song he shines in is Ma City and 134340.

Hobi, I'd probably go with Just Dance as my solo rec for him. It's just sooooo Hobi. Lol and his live performance slays. As for a group song he shines in, easily Mic Drop

Jimin, i wanna say them all! Lie is what let me know that Jimin owned me now. But Serendipity is that angelic queen. As for a group song Jimin stands out in, I'd rec Perfect Man and Black Swan and also the As I Told You cover

For Tae, his solo i would absolutely go for Singulairity, it's what I sent my friend as soon as she asked who V was. Lol as for group song he shines in, I think I'd say Idol performances, his voice in that song kills me!

For JK, I would recommend Euphoria as his hook in song as a solo. Followed by My Time and Rainism cover for a killer performance. For a group song he stands out in. Like all of them, but Pied Piper and On would be my top picks.

Rapline rec would be Outro: Tear and Ugh

Vocal Line Rec would be House of Cards and Dimple

Thanks for the ask!! This was fun 🥰 Hope you have some new baby armys at work soon!

[themysteriousauthor18]

Android Alastor oneshot [Radiodust]

Saw this art of Angel making an Android Alastor. Thought it was a really cool idea and wanted to make a oneshot of it!

Artist of the AMAZING art above:

The darkness slowly faded away, and something not bright, but a little less dark took its place. 

It's vision focused, a blurry image focusing itself down to the finer details. A warmer color invaded his vision, one that his brain came to know as...pink. This 'pink' seemed to cover most of the interior of the room. 

And as a pair of eyes looked around, it took note of the tiles on the floor, the cooler temperature, and metallic walling. 

A basement.

It's mind concluded. 

A small room within a basement, an empty chair seat in front of them, and a desk noticeably messy to their left were what caught its attention. It was unable to turn its head very much, or even it's body. But from its angle, it could barely make out what appeared to be skeptics of a robot to the left wall, just over the desk.

I want to move.

It thought. Pulling against what felt to be restraints, but decided it was best not to. Lest they damage anything. 

It's prying came to a halt when it picked up the soft tapping of shoes against the flooring. In the dim lighting, they could see a shadow drawing closer to the entrance of the room archway. 

They only patiently waited, eyes focusing in on the outline of something coming to a pause in the doorway. 

No, someone. 

They corrected. 

A human, and one quite disheveled. Blonde hair hastily tied back into a pony-tail. A white labcoat lazily draped around their arms leaving the tank top exposed. Their legs dressed in pink and purple stockings for small black heeled boots to cover their feet. 

This human seemed rather distressed. For once they saw the pair of eyes looking at them, they suddenly dropped the mug in their hands causing the brownish liquid to pour out onto the floor. 

Hands flying up to cover their mouth and wide green eyes staring in shock, they took a step closer. "Oh my god.." They muttered. 

Its head tilted as it examined the human furthur, smiling. 

The blonde-haired human was practically jogging in their spot, grinning once they removed their hands. 

"Holy shit it worked! O-okay okay okay..." They calmed themselves quickly hopping back into their chair and looking up into those eyes. Their chair swayed with them as they moved, resting hands between their legs.

"System AI begin start-up." They said barely containing the excitement in their voice.

The being was confused as its vision was suddenly invaded by multiple warnings, notifications, and many other things of which they didn't understand. After a moment or two, they cleared away. Leaving it's vision clear once more. 

Looking back down at the human who was lightly bouncing in the chair, eyes sparkling with anticipation he waited for them to say something else. 

"Alright-do you know who I am?" They asked, expression falling a little as if nervous.

The being tilted their head, eyes tracing over the person's body. Focusing in on little details such as the adam's apple in their throat, hair color, skin color, voice, and many other details.

After a moment, the being spoke. "You are Anthony Giuliani. A 23-year-old male. You are 69% Italian and 40%-"

Before it could finish its sentence the man sprung off from his seat practically jumping for joy.

"Holy shit it works! YOU work!" 

"Your heart rate has increased by 20%." 

The blonde paused in his celebratory victory and looked to the being. A frown played on his lips as he scratched his head. 

"Your tawking like your a robot. Damn...I thought I made you deviant. Shit guess it's somethin' well have to work on." He shook his head moving over to the wall and pressing something.

With a faint beeping the being felt something distracted itself from its back. It stood a little more freely now, nothing, in particular, holding it in place anymore. 

Taking a step back, the Italian moved over to pick up the mug he'd originally dropped. Setting it on his desk he turned back to the being, coat lazily draping around his hips as he rested his hands there.

"Alright...first of all, call me Angel. Angel Dust. Got it?"

The being blinked a few times, a small red circle on its temple blinking with them. "Yes. Angel Dust." It repeated in a mono-toned voice. 

The man looked annoyed by the tone but said nothing. "Second, what do you want your name to be?" 

The being stared, confused. 

"That is not in my function." It simply stated.

Angel groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Okay look. YOU are an android. I made you, but you're to..." he paused trying to find the right words. "Robotic. I can't have a boyfriend whose all emotionless and robily." 

" 'Robily' is not a real word." 

The blonde scoffed. "Well, there's a start." He turned away, being mindful of the pool of coffee on the floor. "I'll be right back, take a look around. Just don't go too far." 

"Very well." It stated. 

Once the human left, the android quietly turned to look around the room, no longer restrained. 

Looking at it from this angle, the android realized it was not quite just a room but a lab more accurately put. Shelves of books and a few trophies lined some of the walls. While for the rest mainly consisted of boxes holding various android parts. 

A whiteboard lay on the main wall of the room, opposite to the wall the desk lay in front of. Equations and measurements were drawn all over the board. Some even rough illustrations of a model. 

It turned and walked over to the desk, having a clearer vision of the schematic hanging over the desk he could now see there was something written on it.

'Project AL4570R Aka the perfect boyfriend.'

It read.

  ...[.Decoding.]...

.....[.Result: Alastor ]....

...[Update: Name may be Alastor]...

...[Gender: Male?]...

It turned away, finding that its hands rested behind its back. A motion that felt comfortable for it. 

Stepping back over near the entrance, a standing mirror greeted it.

As it looked at the reflection, it's head tilted to the side at the image. Not a human greeted it, but rather a tall.....deer man? 

Simply put it was a deer man.

More intricately put, they looked to be human safe for the large pair of red eyes, and deer ears all to obviously attached to the tops of its head. Its hair was a crimson red, the tips being a dark black, it's skin some shade of brown almost greyish. 

With the monocle over one of its eyes, black gloves, and the black to red tailcoat, it both wore and made up its body, gave it a more refined appearance. The small bow tie on its neck seemed to somehow bring it all together. 

"I'm back." 

Its head turned immediately as a machine would to a sound as the human entered back. A mop in his hand. 

"Already like looking at yourself huh?" Angel joked, noticing the androids staring at the mirror. 

Not replying to the comment, the android turned as Angel mopped up the spilled coffee. 

"You had said 'boyfriend'. My knowledge tells me that is a term associated with men in a non-platonic relationship. So am I a male then." 

Pausing in the mopping, Angel leaned on its handle smiling to the android. "Well look at you gettin' all smart and shit. Let's see, do you know your name too?" 

The human continued to mop up the mess. 

"Alastor." The android stated.

Putting the mob aside, the mess is picked up, the human turned towards the android almost impressed. 

"Bingo. Now, I'm gonna need to run some tests. See how your internal hard drive is and make sure the pump is regulating that blue blood enough so you don't die on me. That be annoyin' to deal with." The blonde muttered to himself sidestepping the android.

Alastor watched curiously as the human shuffled through his papers on the desk. 

Those large red eyes scanned the room once again, landing on something they handed seen before. 

A small box sitting beside the desk some old song playing through it. With its interest peaked, Alastor moved over to the desk once more kneeling down because it was rather tall, and peered at the small box.

Angel paused and looked over to the android, smiling a little. "Do you like that?" 

The android poked at the box. "My scanners tell me this device is called a radio." 

An amused laugh came from the human as he sat down in his chair at the desk. Moved his hand over to switch the dial and by extension the channel. 

The android's ears moved back at the sudden noise. "Huh, that's fuckin' adorable," Angel muttered, fascinated. Turning his attention back to the radio, "yeah but I keep it in here sometimes just to listen to music." 

The android repeated the same motion, switching the dails. Its eyes growing in amazement. 

Angel laughed as the android continued to fiddle with it. 

"Maybe your more of a deviant than I thought." 

[joonni]

I was tagged by @wihteclouds to share my top 9 albums I can’t live without

(in no particular order)

I can’t be bothered to do more than screenshot them but you can see my favorite song off each album like this😌

Blonde is the album that introduced me to Frank Ocean’s music and if you haven’t listened to it yet, what are you doing with your life? (I’m obvsly joking but go listen to it if you haven’t already hehe)

We’ve Done Something Wonderful.. the soundtrack to my journey in Korea and the first autumn I spent there. The lyrics, featured artists, beats - perfection. I just cannot imagine this album not existing. Saw it live back in 2017 too😭 에픽하이 사랑합니다ㅠㅠ

D-2 is a comparably recent release but I’ve already spent so many nights listening to it on repeat. Hits you in the heart.

Freudian is such a nostalgia ride, it opened my eyes to more music than bts when I was deep in the rabbit hole🙈

mono. doesn’t need further words either. Namjoon, he knows how to move people’s hearts.

Smoke + Mirrors… I didn’t expect I’ll put it on this list but thinking back, I spent so much time with these songs and it was my first real concert I went to. I’m not keeping up with Imagine Dragons anymore but I sure feel attached to this album.

Smoke + Mirrors… I didn’t expect I’ll put it on this list but thinking back, I spent so much time with these songs and it was my first real concert I went to. I’m not keeping up with Imagine Dragons anymore but I sure feel attached to this album.

Fever’s End, 열꽃 (both parts) - have you watched the commentary..? oh my god, a masterpiece by a genius. Can’t explain how much I love this work of art.

A Head Full of Dreams is me trying to choose between all the Coldplay albums I love. Ended up choosing it because I listened to it on repeat when it came out while reading Kafka on the Shore so when I listen to it now, scenes from the novel resurface in my head which I love. Also the guitar solo on Up&Up, it had to be mentioned.

To Anyone, finally, the album that truly got me into kpop and this whole korean mess I am in🙈 I don’t listen to it often nowadays but back in the day (circa 2011) I had it on repeat on my ipod all the time. I miss 2NE1 but I say that all the time🥲

I’ll tag @pathtospring @kooala @cultleaderyoongi @bangtan-madi @the-bangtan-boys @svenery @intokook @bibillyhillsbaby @hoseoksie @flowerseokjin @flowerkth @ddaechwita @stayjimin and honestly anyone who wants to share some music☺️

[crispyjenkins]

JangObi soulmate mark au where all Mandalorians know/can sense when someone is marked with their Mandalor [with Jango leading Mandalore as Mandalor after Jasters abdication and no clan wars]

(this is late because it turned into A Thing. and i love the Thing, but it’s still late.

i combined these ‘cause i got them within a day of each other and i thought, what’s better than an undercover meet-cute? undercover meet-cute with soulmates (ノ*´◡`) also this is a meet-ugly. anyways.

just want to touch on that this ‘verse absolutely includes poly soulmates of many forms and numbers, jangobi just happen to have a mono relationship in this based on the prompts 😌)

 “Your sur'gaankar will not share your symbol, you cannot simply look for a match, kih’vod,” Arla teases, poking at Jango’s bare chest where the head of his roughly-drawn mynock leers at them from over his heart. “Marks are companions, not twins; no one soul should be more important than another, so the Ka’ra gave us two. Who knows what your sur'gaankar's is, it could be of something that hasn’t even happened to you yet.”

  Seven year-old Jango wrinkles his nose down at his soulmark like it’s personally offended him. And it has. “Why the kriff do you get a beskad from your sur'gaankar and I get a bloody mynock?”

  Arla bursts into laughter and hopes their parents aren’t listening.

-

  “I beg your pardon.”

  The woman’s grin only widens, leaning right into Obi-Wan’s space, and he hadn’t really counted on running into any supercommandos until Sundari. “‘Haven’t seen your crest before,” the woman repeats, knocking on the painted crest on his chestplate. He had let Master Nu pick it for this assignment, he didn’t want to accidentally end up with a known clan symbol and have to explain any familial relation; she had said it hadn’t been used since before the Coruscant Temple was built, so there shouldn’t be any confusion. 

  “And,” she had added, tapping two fingers on the side of his neck, “it matches you rather nicely, doesn’t it?”

  And he supposes it does, a crane wrapped around a spike of wheat, but he now wishes it were something perhaps a bit less memorable.

  “My clan hasn’t been back to Mandalore space in a few generations,” Obi-Wan lies with his best apologetic smile, easily charming the other Mando as he tucks his helmet under his arm and tries to turn back to the ration stall he’d been restocking from. The Keldabe marketplace bustles around them, and Obi-Wan thinks it’s a miracle the woman had even spotted his armour through the crowd, with how tightly species of all sorts press together and jostle them along their way.

  “I’m Kryze clan,” she announces, wriggling around an Esperion to plant herself next to Obi-Wan, giving the rations a passing glance before focusing back on her captive audience.

  He holds back a sigh, pulling up his mental clan map that he had studied on the jump to Mandalore. “I’ve only been planetside for an hour,” he admits with that same smile as he pays for his box of jerky and taps a little salute to the stall owner. “I thought the Kryzes were further up towards Sundari?”

  Kryze bounces along behind him, red hair catching the sunlight quite nicely; Obi-Wan can’t fathom why she’s still following him. “Most of the family is, yeah, I’m the only supercommando. Where’re you from, burc’ya? Your accent sounds funny.”

  He gives a bewildered laugh at that; had she never been to the Core? Both ducking into a dimly-lit tech shop, Kryze waves at the Mon Calamari behind the counter like old friends. 

  “‘Family’s split between Coruscant and Odos,” Obi-Wan decides on, which would explain both his Core accent and why his Mando’a is more slurred than what’s spoken on Mandalore. “You got a first name to go with that clan?”

  Kryze’s smile turns playful, not quite flirtatious, and Obi-Wan wonders if she’s already found her starmark. “Bo-Katan, but Haat’ade can call me Bo. And are you?”

  He raises a brow through a shelf of droid parts. “Am I what?”

  “Haat’ade,” Bo-Katan grins, staying closer to the door while Obi-Wan collects a few upgrades for his speeder. “You don’t seem like a Journeyman Protector, but you’re clearly a fighter. So. Haat Mando’ade?”

  “Can I be Haat’ade if I haven’t answered my Mand’alor’s call even once?” It’s an amusing thought, to be seen as Mando enough to qualify for the ruler of Mandalore’s supercommandos; he doubts Bo-Katan would be quite so kind if she knew he wears their armour in deception. “No, burc’ya, one cannot pick and choose from the Resol’nare. I’m as good as dar’manda out here.”

  Humming in thought, she skips to join him at the counter to watch him try to haggle a lower price on his goods. “To be fair, you said your clan hasn’t been around other Mando’ade in a while, ‘lek? Hells, do you even know who the current Mand’alor is?”

  Obi-Wan doesn’t answer until he knows he’s not being ripped off by the Mon Calamari, and slips his new goggles around his neck. “Only his crest,” he says, and it’s only slightly a lie: the Republic has little to no sway in Mandalore space, he doubts anyone further than Concordia knows the Mand’alor’s full name. “Tell me, are you part of the recruiting committee?”

  Bo-Katan throws her head back to laugh, and it’s a good laugh, bright and sincere, still a little childish at the edges. “No, but I liked the look about you,” she teases, leaning on the counter. “You seemed... warm.”

  He lifts a brow again, wondering if maybe she’s Force sensitive. “I’ve never been called that before.” Which also isn’t exactly a lie.

  “Mm, maybe I just liked finding another redhead.” She smiles and wrinkles her nose cutely. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you didn’t give your name, stranger. Secrecy will only get you so far here.”

  “And if I wasn’t planning on staying?” 

  “Then you should still tell me your name because I asked so nicely.” Batting her eyelashes, she sets her helmet on the counter to cross her arms, the Mon Calamari grumbling but not telling them to leave just yet. 

  “Vhett,” Obi-Wan laughs, securing his new parts and his credit pouch in his pack so he doesn’t lose them to the sticky fingers in the marketplace. “Benyamin Vhett.”

  When he looks back at his new companion, her smile has disappeared for a troubled sort of blankness, as she looks at him even more critically.

  Then her surprise and glee is a flash in the Force, so bright it’s blinding as she launches back to her feet, grin returning with such a fury that Obi-Wan doesn’t even stop her from getting right back into his space.

  She must find some sort of answer in his face, because she puts a hand on his cheek with her eyes positively shining. “Utreekov!” she exclaims gleefully, “How could you string me along like that?”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “It figures you’d be just as difficult as him,” she says, spinning around to snatch up her helmet before grabbing his arm and yanking him back onto the street. “You should have told him when you got here, he— Corellian Hells, is this why he’s been disappearing off into Hutt Space?”

  Something in the Force tells Obi-Wan to hold his tongue, to let Bo-Katan guide him through the market as quickly as the crowds allow — some citizens even bounce out of their way once they get a good look at Bo-Katan. Obi-Wan’s been a Shadow too long to get lost even in a busy city like this, but he still has to concentrate to memorise the path she takes him, out of duracrete into clay and wood buildings that bake under the sun and whisper history far more alive than Obi-Wan is used to.

  She kicks open the door to an ancient-looking cantina that Obi-Wan doesn’t have time to read the name of before Bo-Katan is dragging him bodily inside and shouting over the din, “Mand’alor! I’ve got your sur’gaankar!”

  Something like terror lodges in Obi-Wan’s throat as every commando in the cantina freezes and stops talking all at once, staring at them in the sunlit doorway like the second coming of the Sith. Then all heads snap just as quickly towards a table near the back — all except one man lounging at the table who still stares at Obi-Wan with more than surprise, and this is where Obi-Wan’s entire mission falls apart. This is where every commando realises Obi-Wan isn’t whoever Bo-Katan seems to think he is, this is where they call his bluff and he blows his entire cover, and Quinlan is going to make dick jokes at his funeral.

  Bo-Katan smirks and marches right for the man, pulling a shell-shocked Obi-Wan through the cantina until she releases him to lean over the man’s table— the Mand’alor’s table. Obi-Wan wonders if he can somehow make it out one of the windows before anyone grabs him.

  “So, ori’vod,” Bo-Katan drawls, clearly far from meaning it affectionately, “when were you gonna tell the rest of the Haat’ade that you’d already found your soulmark, hm?”

  Ohh, and there goes Obi-Wan’s breathing. 

  This “ori’vod” blinks, first at Bo-Katan, and then at Obi-Wan, and he just had to be attractive, didn’t he. The Force couldn’t give Obi-Wan one break and make him someone, anyone, that didn’t shine quite like he does in the low-light?

  “I have never seen this man before in my life.”

  Obi-Wan lets out his breath, mentally preparing himself for the whole cantina to descend on him. 

  But Bo-Katan just stares back at the Mand’alor and, Obi-Wan looking around at other commandos, everyone seems to be in disbelief of him, and not— not Obi-Wan. Which is just a strange cherry to top his already frankly ridiculous day, especially when Bo-Katan leans closer to her Mand’alor to squint at him.

  “So he’s just some other ‘Vhett’, then?”

  Obi-Wan licks his lips. “Bo—”

  “No, no, I wanna hear what excuse he tries to come up with when we can all feel it.”

  Embarrassment prickles Obi-Wan’s neck, and feels even less in control than he had a moment ago; he doesn’t remember learning anything about commandos being able to feel things about their leader, but to be fair, he can’t remember much of any of his lessons right now.

  A Mando in gold armour across the table from Jango takes off their helmet, revealing a Rattataki that stares him down with a meaning far deeper than Obi-Wan is privy to just then. 

  “Mand’alor,” they say, tapping their first knuckle over the left side of their chest, and Obi-Wan’s neck prickles again. 

  And then every commando in the cantina does the same, tapping the chest of their beskar’gam and nodding towards Jango, as if one entity, as if they had rehearsed it; the prickle turns to a burn, Obi-Wan darting a hand up to his throat as something shifts in the Force.

  Bo-Katan finally seems to be catching on that they truly don’t know each other, but instead of angry, she perks up and yanks Obi-Wan closer to the table. “He’s from Odos, he has no idea what’s going on,” she says as Obi-Wan stumbles over his own feet. “Congrats, Mand’alor, I found your sur’gaankar for you.”

  Obi-Wan winces before he allows himself to finally meet Jango’s gaze, and doesn’t know what to make of what he finds: a curious sort of trust, disbelief but acceptance, and it’s only when Jango gets to his feet that Obi-Wan realises no one had said his name. That the wheat fronds over his collarbones and around his neck have never bothered him before. 

  That he’s probably going to have to call Quinlan to finish the job in Sundari. 

Mando’a: sur’gaankar — “soulmate”, lit. “picture heart” from sur’gaan “picture” and kar’ta “heart” kih’vod —”little sibling” (’vod’ most often used in fandom as “brother”; ‘kih’ intentionally used instead of ‘ika’) Ka’ra — an ancient Mandalorian story, ruling council of fallen kings, “stars” beskad — traditional Mandalorian curved saber made of beskar. burc’ya — friend (also used ironically or sarcastically) Haat’ade — lit. “true child of Mandalore”, True Mandalorians (slang shortened to Haat'ad/e)  Mand’alor — “Sole ruler”, contended ruler of Mandalore. Resol’nare — “Six Actions”, the six tenets guiding Mando life ‘lek — “yeah”, short for elek, or “yes” utreekov — “idiot,” “fool,” lit. “empty head” ori’vod — “big brother”, either older sibling or a special friend (used here ironically) beskar’gam — Armour made of beskar, “Mandalorian Iron” that was actually probably a steel alloy

[jubilantwriter]

Of Blood and Static

Chapter 3: But I'm hoping something new will happen.

(AO3)  (First)  (Previous)  (Next)

Word Count:  2729

////

The Lady is aware of the loops.  The ignorance begins at the start of her journey, where the deja vu first strikes her when she catches a glimpse of a boy in a paper bag.  The feeling remains as bits and pieces fall into place - where to run, where to hide, and where to jump to.  She knows which places are the best to hold on to when a boy in an olive coat comes running and leaping her way.  The warmth of his hand is also familiar, as is the sound of his voice, and the kindness he exudes.  Of course, as a child, she chooses not to acknowledge these strange feelings, focusing more so on their joint survival.

Things feel natural around the boy.  How she enjoys smiling and offering a small laugh in his company.  Giving him aid and comfort when he needs it.  Watching with concern and worry as he rushes off to face things on his own.  Perhaps she should have questioned why she was so quick to lower her guard around him.  Perhaps she shouldn't have ignored it.

(Although, what good would have come from acknowledging it?)

Little things keep falling through the cracks and into place as she traverses the city with him.  It's easy to call him her friend.  Easy to know how to make him smile and laugh.  Easy to know what's on his mind and predict his next move.

The cracks grow wider and wider, the picture slowly growing more and more complete as more pieces slip through to feed her memory and actions.  She calls him over to a piano, where they must jump on it over and over to make it fall.  The instinct is natural, as though she knew all along that destroying this nice instrument would be the key to their escape.

She doesn’t question how she knows it was the right course of action.  Perhaps she should have.  Mono plays on the keys, and she stops her jumping to watch him try and play a tune.  It doesn't work, but it makes her laugh, and that makes Mono laugh.

She should have learned to question this strange naturalness, these strange memory fragments that tell her to look at him in scorn, and to look at him with a kindness that matches his own.

Perhaps that's why letting him go hurts so much.  Tears trickle down her cheeks as she holds him, dangling over the ledge.

She has to let go.  She has to.  It's what her instinct tells her.

(But she doesn't want to.  She loves listening to him laugh - it's like a melody unlike the one her music box used to have.  She wants to hear it more, fearing that she'll lose that chance someday.)

Mono looks up at her with wide eyes and shock as her tears fall onto his face.  He stays shocked as she pulls her hand away from him.  Stays shocked even as she fails to form a single "goodbye" or "I'm sorry" before he disappears into the abyss.  

Once she becomes the Lady, her memories return in a bigger stream, a larger crack that threatens to bring down the entire wall held up between her memories and not-memories.  It's then that she realizes what the television must be for.

(His eyes looked just like the Thin Man's.  The connection was made, but she never stopped to question how she knew.  Now that she has all the time until her death, she knows why the resemblance struck her as uncanny.)

She presses her hand against the glass of the screen as though it is second nature and watches as it turns on by itself.  As she waits for the channel to stabilize, she can't help but wonder just how many times they have done this for her to start out with the picture growing steadily and steadily more complete when she wakes up as a child.  How many times has she dropped Mono?  How many times have they fought, betrayed, hurt each other before either of them could remember that they've done this before?

Ignorance is bliss, so they say - but to always be so ignorant as a child and then face the consequences as an adult, knowing that the mistakes they made could have been avoided...

Her fingers curl against the warming glass.  This television wasn't always here.  It must have been through the sheer patience and willpower of one of them that mended their relationship enough for this television to be here.  The earlier loops remain a fuzzy recollection to her, but for a man who keeps memories like recordings, it must have pained the Thin Man with each dragging iteration for them to finally reach this stage.  

The silhouette of said man appears on the screen, and he looks just as defeated, just as tired, as her many loops have shown her before.  She knows the reason for why they continue this endless game of catch-and-release, why she convinces him that there is still a way out for him.

Survival.

But even she's grown tired of her own excuse.

"Mono?"  No words greet her as he remains slumped in his chair.  "Mono, I'm sorry."

"Mono?"  The words feel more like an echo than clear text on a screen.  "Strange of you to start off with my childhood name."

"It's your name."

"Not anymore."  He straightens in his seat, ramrod and upright as if assuming a position of sorts.  "Mono belongs to the boy with the paper bag.  I'm not that boy anymore, my Lady."

"You'll always be Mono, just as I will always be Six," she presses.  Her mask clinks against the glass as she leans forward.  "I'm sorry, Mono, for dropping you again."

No words appear on the screen.  This is it, she thinks, no more second chances, no more loops.  But why does she care?  Is it really for survival?  To continue this farce of being alive just to die and live to be tortured and traumatized and broken and betrayed?  For so long, she believed that this was how it was supposed to be.  But she was always good at lying.

Especially to herself.

"I'm sorry," she repeats, because that's all she can say.  He's tired, but she's pushed him past his limits time and time again.  And he allowed her to, just because of- what?  Because he didn't want to be alone?  Because he used this to enact his own act of vengeance, whatever that may be?

She got more out of this than he ever did.  Perhaps he realizes this.  Perhaps that's why he always asks why she drops him.  Perhaps that's why he always holds a thinly veiled plea for her to give it up.  He could end the loops easily.  He could just not capture her younger self, not harm a hair on his younger self, and they could both escape the Tower.  It's that easy.

(...Right?  She digs through her memories, hoping to come across a shard that reveals this to her.  But alas, she can't find one.  What she finds instead is a pile of grounded dust hidden amongst the shards and puzzle pieces, as though someone had thoroughly crushed it and ground it into the floor to erase it from her mind.  And only one person could have done that.)

"I'm sorry," she says again, because that's all she can say.  "I'm sorry for letting you down again."

"You didn't."  She almost misses his words flashing on the screen, and it's almost pathetic how she clings to them.  As if she committed no wrong.  "I promise you didn't."

"I let you fall.  Again."  And for what reason?  There's always a reason.  But she can't find one this time.  Not one that makes sense, to be precise.  Because she didn't want to let him go.  She didn't. 

"I know."  His words are oddly calm, strangely soothing.  They shouldn't be, after all she's put him through.  As if she's the one who needs comforting.  "I know you did.  But I'm not upset."  

"Why?"  She presses him for answers, because there's no way he can be so calm about this.  How many times have they repeated this?  For her sake?  Never his sake, just hers.

"You gave me a gift this loop."

"...What?"

"A gift."  As if to fully emphasize his point, he opens his hands to reveal something.  She squints at the screen, but she can't see what it is that he holds so tenderly in his hands.  "Do you remember?  The hat you found for me."

She blinks behind her mask, nearly stunned silent at the memory.  "I... do."  It was an old, ratty thing that she found in one of the apartments they'd stumbled through.  She had picked it up behind his back as he was searching around for anything they could use, the white of the hat long since dirtied and the ends of the ribbon tattered with age and possible abuse.

A sailor's cap.

When she first presented it to him, his delighted squeal made her smile proudly as he turned to take off his bag and put the hat on.  It was bigger than his head with the rim of the cap slipping over his eyes a bit, but he smiled widely for her to see before turning away bashfully to hide his face completely.  He'd only worn it for that moment, and she'd concluded that it was a pretty bad hat since it didn't hide his face like he wanted.

"I loved it.  I still do."  The affection from his words startles her.  "Now, it only fits on the tip of my finger, but I still wish that I could have worn it more around you."  A pause.  "You showed me a kindness I didn't expect.  You rarely give presents, after all."

"It was by pure chance that I found it."  It wasn't like she was actively searching for it - the sheer dumb luck she possessed that day was what allowed her to come across it.  His love for hats was firmly cemented in her mind, and the choice to present it to him was purely on impulse.  Like playing together in the school playground.  Or sitting down by the vending machine to try out all the weird, flat drinks it had.  Pure impulse.  

"Still."  He tenderly cradles the tiny thing in his hands, and she swears that she can see the smile on his lips despite the distance between them.  "It was something different."  

Meaning is pressed upon his words, and she struggles to find the right memory for it.  But before she can give him a response, his words flash on the screen once more.  Somehow, there's a bit of whimsy attached to them, as if he's expecting her to have run out of excuses by now.

"So tell me, dear friend, why did you let me go that day?"  She can almost hear his soft tone from her side of the screen (how she so desperately wants to hear it again).  

"I..."  Her mind struggles to find a reason.  Any reason, really, to have let him go.  She presses her lips into a thin line, unseen due to her mask.  What could she say?  What does he want her to say?  For what purpose does she need to create a reason for letting him go?  Her mind stumbles upon a memory that continues like a loop.  A horror that stings her conscience like a lingering wound.  Well, better to open up than to let it fester, right?  "I wanted a do-over."

"A do-over?"  He tilts his head to the side, curious by nature.  "How would you know that as a child?"

"We've been through these events so often, Mono, that things tend to linger."  She's lying, of course, but perhaps he knows that already.  "So of course the feelings can carry over."

"And why did you want a do-over?"  

"I..."  It’s not something she’s proud of - it’s something she’d rather keep buried forever until she dies and repeats the same horrible, Hunger-induced mistake again, but what’s a few demons between friends?  "Before I became the Lady, and when I was still Six, I developed this unruly Hunger."

"Yes, I recall you telling me this before."

"So you would know that I must feed this Hunger before it consumes me entirely."  She prepares herself as she watches him lean forward in interest.  

"What did you eat, Six?"

Ah, he used her name.

"I... may have eaten a child."

"...Excuse me?"

"I ate a child."  She watches as he straightens in his seat, no doubt horrified by her admission.

"You... ate a what?"

"A child.  As a child."

"As a child?"

"By accident, may I add."

"By ACCIDENT?" 

Oh, she didn't know he could do that with his words.

"By accident."  There's no use in skirting the edges of this conversation, now that she's dredged it up herself.  "Allow me to explain."

"I don't think I want an explanation."

"You do, I insist."  She pulls her hand off the screen to gesture elegantly through the series of events that led to her consumption of the nome.  How she had powers to turn children into nomes as an adult.  How she, as a child, had no idea that these nomes she'd encounter were actual children.  How she, in her vicious Hunger, lashed out at a nome trying to help her and... consumed it.  How she, as an adult, finally connected the dots.  By the time she finishes her tale, the Thin Man is cradling his head in his hands instead.  "And that is why I dropped you.  I needed a do-over badly."

"Because you ate a child."

"Because I was going to consume a child, and I had the forethought to plan ahead."  She watches as he drags his hands down his face, perhaps rethinking his earlier affection.

"Six, I..."  His words trail off, as he fidgets in his seat.  "I can't say that I've been any kinder to children than you have, but I can at least confidently say that I haven't eaten any."

"They are actually quite tender and sweet-"

"I really do not want to know."  She giggles as he manages to silently cut her off.  "But.  I guess.  I can understand your reasoning."  His shoulders slump in what she can only assume is a sigh.  "We can try again, so long as you try not to eat another child."

"I can't make any promises."

"Please, I am begging you.  At least not as a child."

She smiles as she returns her hand to the warm glass.  "I can try.  After all, that's the whole point of me dropping you, hm?  For another chance to do things right."

"Please.  Please do this right."  She watches him put something away in his suit pocket, and a fondness warms her soul as he pats it securely.  "Please do not resort to cannibalism so early on.  I can't say the same for when you're an adult but... at least as a child.  Please?"

"You're begging quite a lot, my good sir."

"If you dropped me in hopes of preventing this singular tragedy from continuing, I think it is within my rights to beg for you to keep your word."

"True."  She hums softly to herself as she curls her fingers against the screen.  "Perhaps I can surprise you again this time around."

"Perhaps."  He pauses from his side of the screen as he straightens his posture.  "But knowing you, I'm sure you will."

She smiles behind her mask, despite knowing the tragedy that befalls them.

(A little boy in a blue sweater tries to run past her as she screams in rage.  Before he can get any further, she captures him in her grasp and watches as he struggles against her hold.  She could turn him into a little scrabbling creature, doomed to labor thanklessly in the depths of her ship.

But.

She tosses him at the wall, an audible thud in her dressing room as the shadows drag him away from her sight.  It would be a waste of energy to deal with this one when she has more pressing matters to deal with.  And besides, she has enough nomes to exploit for loops to come.)

The loop ends with the creaks of bending buildings and the groans of a rocking ship.

[zargsnake]

Knightkiller: Anakin and Obi-Wan’s First Adventure

Chapter 7: Jane

Word Count: 2217 Links: Chapter 1, Table of Contents

 *   *   *

Freed, with the help of the little screwdriver Anakin gave her, on the lower floor of the space station, Zlinky uses the nearest control panel to disable the local electricity. The already dark lower-prison hall turns completely black.

As an Akarn, Zlinky has a third eye in the middle of her forehead which can adapt to almost any environment. Many droids have night vision too, but Zlinky has observed from her time in captivity that droids are poorly kept here. Knightkiller, with her telepathic powers and abundant riches, holds sway over the organic beings in her employment; the guards and patrons here are all devoted to her. But Knightkiller has neglected her mechanical servants. They are all falling into disrepair, and Zlinky has even detected them grumbling among themselves.

People forget too easily that droids, nowadays, have extremely advanced personalities. Adults underestimate how independently-minded their droids can be. But children understand. They have never known droids to be any other way.

Zlinky sneaks down the hall, past the fumbling guards. Other prisoners soon realize that their own electrobars have become deactivated, and they start to emerge into the hallway too, their arms outstretched in front of them, tripping and feeling their way through the dark. Zlinky maneuvers through them with a small measure of grace and a large measure of scrutiny.

Lightsabers, lightsabers, lightsabers, lightsabers, lightsabers. I must find all four. Once we've found them, we'll be unstoppable.

Suddenly, a guard grabs her from behind. A Togruta -- he must have used echolocation. Zlinky squirms against his arms, then stabs behind her wildly with the screwdriver. She isn't sure where she hit him -- the stomach, possibly. But he howls in pain and loosens his grip. She slithers out and leaps, calling upon the Force to help her. She hits her head on the hallway ceiling, but the ploy, otherwise, works. Holding her head, she stumbles around the corner and sees a door marked “Storage.”

Maybe our lightsabers are here? Well, SOMETHING useful must be in here! All I have now is this flimsy little tool.

But she does feel extremely grateful for the little screwdriver, and she hopes Anakin will let her keep it. She would call it good luck, if she believed in that stuff. Instead, she'll call it exceedingly useful. She picks the lock to the storage room with the screwdriver, which takes a frighteningly long minute, dashes inside, and shuts the door behind her.

Zlinky sees cabinets and closets and boxes full of files and records, piles of office and medical supplies. Who would think running a death sport would be so bureaucratic? The haphazardness offends her Temple-trained sensibilities.

But most importantly, she sees, in the corner, a rusted old murder-droid, missing much of its plating and bent over in disrepair. Its shape is about as humanoid as her own, though a couple feet taller. Compassion moves her to approach it. She sees that someone has scribbled a face with two X's for eyes and a frown on a little yellow piece of paper and taped it over the murder-droid's face to signify its death. She yanks the paper off and examines the droid’s busted innards.

There's a flipzipter. A gavel gear. A pair of old-fashioned mono-trammers. It's really not too different from the diner-droids on which she learned robotic engineering. A gunky substance has clogged its gears; she tries to scrape it off with the screwdriver, but she can't get a grip on it with that. She takes a nervous glance at the bulky laser blasters on its back, then plunges her own claws into its chest and scoops out the goop. She pulls out a burnt-up square of metal which was caught in the goop; upon closer inspection, she guesses that it used to be a memory chip. Oh well -- it's useless now. She bends the flipzipter back into its standard position, and reattaches the wires that had become unplugged from it.

With a tiny jolt of electricity that shoots through the Padawan and makes any hairs loose from her braid stick out, the murder-droid wakes up, its red eyes the only light in the darkness.

“ʙʟᴢᴢᴋᴢᴢɢᴀᴀᴀᴀᴀ! ᴀᴀᴀᴀʜ!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! ᴡʜᴏ ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ?! ᴡʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴏɴ?! ᴡʜᴏ ᴀᴍ ɪ?!”

“Shhh!” Zlinky pulls her sticky hands out of its chest and throws them on top of its mouth-slot -- her mouth-slot, she supposes, since the droid has a feminine voice. “Keep it down! The badguys are looking for me!”

In a muffled voice, the murder-droid responds, “ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴄᴀʀᴇ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ YOU! ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ME?”

“Well you SHOULD care about me! I just saved your life!”

“ʏᴏᴜ ᴅɪᴅ?”

“Yeah, I repaired you, you ungrateful bucket of bolts!”

The murder-droid issues whirring noises from several parts. “ɪ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ᴍʏ ʟᴇɢꜱ!”

“Well I'm not finished! I just started! And if you don't keep it down I never will!”

The murder-droid narrows the dots of light that project her eyes. “ᴡʜᴏ ᴀᴍ ɪ?”

“Well... I'll check your brain-text, but I'm not optimistic.” Zlinky unscrews a panel on the side of the droid’s head. “Yeah. It's like I thought. You've been pirated. They scraped off your original ID number.”

“ᴡʜᴀᴛ?! ʙᴜᴛ -- ᴛʜᴇɴ ɪ'ᴍ ɴᴏᴛʜɪɴɢ!”

“Nobody's nothing. They must have called you something. Unfortunately, at least one of your memory chips has melted. I think.”

With a squeaking sound, the murder-droid raises her claw to her forehead. “ᴏʜ... ᴍʏ ꜰʀᴀɢɪʟᴇ ᴍɪɴᴅ…”

“Hey, don't worry about it. These bozos didn't respect you, but you're with the Jedi now.”

“ᴛʜᴇ ᴊᴇᴅɪ?”

“Yeah, like me! I'm a Jedi! My name is Zlinky Zalt.”

“ᴠᴇʀʏ ʀᴜᴅᴇ ᴏꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏ ꜰʟᴀᴜɴᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ, ᴄᴏɴꜱɪᴅᴇʀɪɴɢ ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴏɴᴇ.”

“Uh, sorry. Well, let's find you a name; what do you do--?”

Zlinky accidentally zaps herself with an open wire and bites her lip in a grimace.

The murder-droid’s eyes become scattered dots that beep quickly and softly. “ꜱᴇᴀʀᴄʜɪɴɢ ... ᴍᴀɪɴꜰʀᴀᴍᴇ ... ᴘʀᴏᴛᴏᴄᴏʟ: NEUTRALIZE.”

“Neutralize?”

Her eyes flicker back to solid red. “ᴀꜰꜰɪʀᴍᴀᴛɪᴠᴇ.”

“Neutralize what?”

Her eyes become scattering dots again. “ꜱᴇᴀʀᴄʜɪɴɢ ... ᴍᴀɪɴꜰʀᴀᴍᴇ ... ʜᴀʀᴅᴡᴀʀᴇ ... ꜱʏꜱᴛᴇᴍꜱ ... ᴄᴏᴍᴍᴀɴᴅ ... ʙᴢᴢᴛ ... ꜱᴇᴀʀᴄʜɪɴɢ ... ���ᴏʙᴊᴇᴄᴛ’ ... ‘ᴛᴀʀɢᴇᴛ’ ... вzzт ... b҉z҉z҉t҉ ... ᴛᴀʀɢᴇᴛ: ERROR.” Her eyes flicker back to red, but with the sides tilted down in sorrow. “ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪɴꜰᴏʀᴍᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ʜᴀꜱ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴄᴏʀʀᴜᴘᴛᴇᴅ.”

“Hey, it's okay. The Jedi can get you a new purpose. As long as your programming isn't hopelessly violent…”

“ᴡʜᴇɴ? ʜᴏᴡ ꜱᴏᴏɴ?”

“Well I don't know. As soon as I can get you back to the Temple.”

“ʟᴇᴛ’ꜱ ɢᴏ.” The murder-droid stands up straight.

“Wait!” Zlinky pulls some wires apart.

“ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴇᴀᴄᴛɪᴠᴀᴛᴇᴅ ᴍʏ ʟᴇɢꜱ! ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ᴀꜱ ꜱᴏᴏɴ ᴀꜱ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰɪxᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇᴍ!”

“Yeah, I did. Your purpose right now is to stay put.”

“ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪꜱ ᴀɴ ᴜɴᴀᴄᴄᴇᴘᴛᴀʙʟᴇ ᴡᴀꜱᴛᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ᴀʙɪʟɪᴛɪᴇꜱ.”

“Deal with it. Patience is an ability, too.”

“ɪꜰ ᴀʟʟ ᴊᴇᴅɪ ᴀʀᴇ ʟɪᴋᴇ ʏᴏᴜ, ɪ'ᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ꜱᴜʀᴇ ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴀ ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏꜰ ɪᴛ.”

“Fine. Do you want me to shut you down again?”

“ʙᴜᴢᴢ ʙᴜᴢᴢ ʙᴜᴢᴢ, ɢʀᴜᴍᴍᴍm҉m҉m̵̧̌̍͋̆b̸̧̙͈͈̓̌̌ĺ̵͕͔͇͔͎̠̗͈͍ͅe̷̖͎̳͖̬̅́…”

“I'll take that as a no.” The droid is silent as Zlinky works on her. “I'm sorry we're not at the Temple right now. Believe me, I want to be there far more than you do.”

“ɪ ᴅᴏᴜʙᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ. ɪ ᴀᴍ ɪɴ ᴀɴ ᴇxɪꜱᴛᴇɴᴛɪᴀʟ ꜰʟᴜx.”

I have to repair her mind AND her body! thinks Zlinky.

“Uh, okay, listen. How about I give you a temporary name and a temporary mission right now. Just to tide you over until we get back home. Er, I mean, back to the Temple.”

“ʜʀʀᴜᴍᴍʜʜᴘᴘʙᴢᴢᴢ ʙᴢᴢᴛ ʙᴇᴇᴘ ʙᴇᴇᴘ.”

Zlinky spins a cog and sees a panel of lights in the droid’s guts turn on. She thinks she’s nearly got her -- then she hears the weapons on the droid's back powering on. The young girl swallows nervously.

“Okay, your temporary mission is to protect me and the three other Jedi: my master Tila Juna, a 500-year-old gray Lollian with one broken horn -- Anakin Skywalker, a 9-year-old human with pink skin and yellow hair and blue eyes -- and -- uh -- his master too.”

“ᴘʀᴏᴛᴏᴄᴏʟ ɪɴꜱᴛᴀʟʟɪ-- ᴘʀᴏᴛᴏᴄᴏʟ ɪɴᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ. ɪᴅᴇɴᴛɪꜰʏ ꜰᴏᴜʀᴛʜ ᴊᴇᴅɪ!”

“I can't! I don't remember their name! I'll know them when I see them.”

“ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴡᴀɪᴛ ꜰᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴘᴇʀᴍɪꜱꜱɪᴏɴ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ɴᴇᴜᴛʀᴀʟɪᴢᴀᴛɪᴏɴ, ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʜᴀɴᴄᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴀᴄᴄɪᴅᴇɴᴛᴀʟʟʏ ɴᴇᴜᴛʀᴀʟɪᴢᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴊᴇᴅɪ?”

“Well, first of all, only neutralize when absolutely necessary.”

“... ᴅɪʀᴇᴄᴛɪᴠᴇ ... ɪɴᴄᴏᴍᴘᴀᴛɪʙʟᴇ ... ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴘʀᴏɢʀᴀᴍᴍɪɴɢ.”

“Oh gimme a break!”

Maybe this is a mistake, thinks Zlinky. I don't want to go on a rampage. But I must get out of here! I have to get back to Tila! That's my top priority!

“Look, I'm very sneaky,” Zlinky says, reassuringly. “You might not have to neutralize anyone. You just have to protect me.”

“... ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ʙᴀᴄᴋᴡᴀʀᴅꜱ, ᴛʀʏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ɢʀᴀꜰᴛ ᴀ ᴅᴇꜰᴇɴꜱɪᴠᴇ ᴘʀᴏᴛᴏᴄᴏʟ ᴏɴᴛᴏ ᴍʏ ᴏꜰꜰᴇɴꜱɪᴠᴇ ꜱʏꜱᴛᴇᴍꜱ.”

Zlinky replies, smugly, “Well I do it every day. That's what being a Jedi is all about! Protecting the innocent, defending the law!”

“... ʙʟʀʀʀɢɢɢɢ.” The droid’s eyes become one annoyed horizontal line of dots. “ᴘʀᴏᴛᴏᴄᴏʟ ... ᴀʟɪɢɴɪɴɢ ... ᴘʀᴏᴛᴏᴄᴏʟ ɪɴꜱᴜꜰꜰᴇʀᴀʙʟᴇ.”

“Oh come on, grow up. It's good to be the hero.”

“ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴀɪᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴀ ‘ᴛᴇᴍᴘᴏʀᴀʀʏ ɴᴀᴍᴇ,’ ᴛᴏᴏ.”

“Yeeeah. I did. Um ... Jedi ... Jedi ... Temple ... Temple Bot? Teebee?”

The murder-droid shudders. “ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɪᴅᴅɪɴɢ? ᴛᴇᴇʙᴇᴇ?”

“What's wrong with Teebee?”

“ɪ ʜᴀᴛᴇ ɪᴛ.”

“Beggars can't be choosers.”

“ɪᴅ: REJECTED. ʀᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ: ɪɴᴄᴏᴍᴘᴀᴛɪʙʟᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴘʀᴏɢʀᴀᴍᴍɪɴɢ. ᴛᴏᴏ ᴀᴅᴏʀᴀʙʟᴇ.”

“Jedi Bot? Jaybee?”

Goop dribbles out of the droid’s mouth slot.

“Alright then... Neutralize. Neutralizer. Jedi ... Jedi Neutralizer. No. Wait. That sounds wrong.”

“ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ɪᴛ,” the murder-droid says quickly.

“Ah, wait!”

“ᴊᴇᴅɪ ɴᴇᴜᴛʀᴀʟɪᴢᴇʀ.”

Zlinky sighs. “Fine. Jedi Neutralizer. JN.”

“ᴊɴ. ᴊᴀɴᴇ.”

“Jane?”

“ᴊᴀɴᴇ. ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ɪᴛ,” the droid repeats.

“Me too,” Zlinky responds, truthfully.

As soon as Jane is functionally repaired, Zlinky finds her a battery pack, since they have no time to recharge her. She looks around for a new memory card, but finds nothing. Oh, well. Jane will just have a very short-term memory until they find new hardware for her. Without the card, she can't have any more than one gig of memory. Zlinky will just have to keep reminding her that her name is Jane and her purpose is to protect the four Jedi. Zlinky fears that Jane will forget this and kill her on accident. That would be very ironic. But for now, Zlinky is glad to have her.

Once they leave the storage room, Zlinky points to a guard and begins to command Jane to knock them out, but Jane has already blasted them.

“Ah! Are they alive?” Zlinky whispers in terror.

“ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴋɴᴏᴡ. ʜᴏᴡ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ɪ ᴋɴᴏᴡ?”

Zlinky cautiously approaches the body. “...They're alive. Keep your blaster at exactly that setting, okay? Don't change anything.”

“ᴀꜰꜰɪʀᴍᴀᴛɪᴠᴇ.”

“Great.”

She tugs the armor off the guard and puts it on herself. Together, they quietly leave the lower prison in absolute chaos and locate the space station employee break room and quarters across a hall. Zlinky finds a station map on the employee computer, which someone had, happily, left logged in.

She finally gets a good look at the layout of the station. The lower floor has a prison and under-arena logistical areas; the main floor has the arena, gladiator rooms, and the best seating; and the upper floor has another prison and the balcony cheap seats.

She searches for where Knightkiller could be. Tila recognized Knightkiller as her old friend Glagret, and told her Padawan so before they were separated. Zlinky knows that the key to escaping, and to stopping this whole evil enterprise, is Glagret. Why has she turned evil? Why did she gather all these crooks together? Why is she mind-tricking Jedi children?

Zlinky figures there must be something controlling her. She imagines striking the implement off the old alien’s brain and rescuing her, restoring her to her true, good self.

What happened 400 years ago on the Liberated Comet? If she was alive, why didn't she come back?

One Padawan and one droid probably don't stand a chance against her.

Zlinky sees in the screen projection that Obi-Wan is fighting in the arena, and Tila is being held as bait. Zlinky wonders why Anakin isn't. She guesses, with a heavy heart, that Obi-Wan was so stubborn about playing along that they killed Anakin in retribution. She feels her guts writhe with fear and anger at the thought. The boy was so kind, and clever, and so very strong in the Force, strong enough to resist a mind-trick -- unheard of at his age -- even though it was stupid of him to try. Perhaps his last legacy is the screwdriver. She will not let him die in vain.

Unless, of course, he's still alive. She wonders if, perhaps, he escaped, just as she has…

She hears an ominous whirring sound, drifting away.

“Jane! Don't wander off.” Zlinky grabs Jane’s rifle-barrel and pulls her back to her side. “Stay with me. You must protect me; it is your purpose.”

“ᴡʜᴏ ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ?”

“... Call me Guard.”

“ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴅᴏᴇꜱɴ'ᴛ ꜱᴏᴜɴᴅ ʀɪɢʜᴛ.”

Zlinky looks around nervously at the other guards. She grabs Jane's head and whispers into her audio-slot. “Zlinky Zalt. But don't say so. I'm in disguise right now. So shhh.”

“ᴀʜʜʜʜ. ɪ ꜱᴇᴇ.”

“Uh, good.” The confidence in Jane's voice makes Zlinky doubt that Jane has any idea what's going on. She shakes her head and continues looking at this map.

Chapter 8: Priorities

[geniuslab]

Everything Goes

→ Pairing: Namjoon x reader

→ Genre: Drabble

→ Word Count: 1.5K

→ Summary: A kind stranger joins you on a bench next to the river and shares a sandwich with you.

→ Content Warning: This fic touches on depressive and intrusive thoughts. It is in no way meant to glorify mental illness, but rather be a realistic portrayal of someone suffering from it. Please do not read this if you think there’s even a slight chance this could trigger you. But if you do read this, I hope it can give you a little bit of peace. BTS’ music has always been my place of solace, and mono holds a very special place in my heart. In a way, this is my love letter to it.

The waves lapping against the shore matched up with your breaths, in and out, in and out. It looked like it was going to rain, the dark clouds in the distance mocking your decision that morning not to bring an umbrella with you. Maybe you would melt with the rain into the bench you were sitting on and become a landmark next to the river forever.

This wasn’t the first time you’d spent your morning sitting next to the Han river; it had actually become part of your routine ever since you’d graduated university and had gotten your office job. The sound of the water overlapping itself, always flowing with no permanent destination, was calming to you. Every morning, you’d jab at your phone in the dark until your alarm turned off. With bleary eyes, you’d get dressed for work and grab your bag, debating whether you should risk getting some extra moments of sleep while on the bus. Your fatigue never really went away until you’d see the river, and even then you still always curled up on a bench like a cat about to take a nap.

Today you had your legs crossed beneath you in an almost meditative pose. The earbuds in your ears played no music, but were a great decoy if someone were to try to speak to you.

It’s not that you didn’t like talking to people, although these days your laughs and smiles seemed to be forced more than anything. But each morning, on whatever bench you could snag for your own, you would carve out your own little space next to the river where it was just for you. And in this space, you let your mind wander. It was your allowed time to think all the thoughts you’d push off during the day, a sort of mental purge in the morning before you had to shake everything off and go to work.

Sometimes, you had so many thoughts that they seemed to fight each other like a crowd of people trying to leave a venue all at the same time. Everything would cram so close together and bottleneck at the doors of your mind until a single thought would pop out. They weren’t nice thoughts when you had them. But you’d let the waves of the river guide your breathing, a slow rhythm to focus on while pandemonium reigned in your head.

Other times, you had no thoughts at all. It was as if the doors were locked completely, the hum of the crowd buzzing behind them. You didn’t have the key, so they’d just have to stay. Restless, pushing against the doors, a pressure that would only continue to build. Would the doors break under all of that weight?

Today was one of those days. You dug your nails into your the palms of your hands, waiting for the bite from the shallow cuts. The sound behind those doors was getting louder and harder to ignore. Maybe you should put some music on, if only to drown them out.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” 

You looked up at the voice and blinked. It had come from a man about your age, and he was looking down at you with his eyebrows raised. He noticed the earbuds in your ears and drew in a breath, and started gesturing toward the bench. You tugged the earbuds out and felt your cheeks heat up a little.

“There’s no music. I could hear you, I was just surprised.” You waved your hand toward the empty spot next to you. “You can sit there if you want,” you said, and inched a little over to the side. The bench was plenty big, but as with any stranger, you gave him some distance.

“Thanks.” His smile was so bright, you thought the rain clouds would evaporate. You couldn’t explain it, but he reminded you of a hot cup of tea brewed by your grandmother. Perhaps it was all of the warm, earthy tones and textures he was wearing, his big cozy sweater and brown coat making him look like the human embodiment of a teddy bear. Maybe it was his deep dimples and his soft eyes. Or maybe it was the way he almost dropped his bag when he pulled it over his head, a small exclamation slipping out of his mouth before he caught it. 

But no, you thought, it wasn’t just those things; anyone could have any number of those traits, but they didn’t give off the energy this man did. It was almost as if the air around him worked differently, like he had a bubble around him that emanated...something peaceful. Like a warm hug.

You cleared your throat and scratched your head, turning back to the river. Thankfully, your bench partner didn’t seem to notice that you’d been pondering about him. He’d been busy rifling through his bag in search of something. You questioned what could possibly be left in it now that nearly all of its contents were littered on the sidewalk in front of him. 

“Got it,” he said triumphantly, and waved something in the air before setting it down between the two of you. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw it was a wrapped sub sandwich. But you wouldn’t have even needed to look to know what it was, since the smell of fresh baked bread started wafting over to you. Of course this teddy bear stranger would smell like a warm baguette, you sighed inwardly. 

He bent down to put everything else back in his bag, so you didn’t notice at first that he was talking to you.

“ —know I just met you, but they messed up my order and accidentally made me a sandwich on a whole loaf instead of just half. I’ll just end up throwing away the other half, so would you wanna split it with me? It’s just veggies.” 

You turned to look at the stranger, your eyes wide. The sub was wrapped up with a sticker sealing it, but somehow the smell was only getting stronger.

“I’m not really hungry,” you mumbled, but your stomach growled in betrayal. The stranger lifted his eyebrow.

“I promise I didn’t do anything to it,” he said. “But if you don’t want it that’s okay.”

You shook your head but held your hand out. “I could use some food,” you confessed. You’d left the house without even grabbing a snack. For some reason, when the noise in your head got so loud, you clung to the sharpness of hunger to quiet the sound. But, you had to admit to yourself, that only went so far. In the end, the noise wouldn’t stop and you would just be hungry, tired, and with no energy whatsoever. In fact, it only helped the noise get louder.

The stranger smiled and ripped the paper down the middle, handing over half of the sandwich for you to take. You hadn’t realized just how cold you were until you felt the warmth of the sandwich in your hands. Your cheeks heated up again as you practically cradled it in your arms, savoring the warmth.

“I’m Namjoon, by the way.” 

And so, teddy bear man finally had a name. 

You took a bite of the sub before responding with your name. Namjoon repeated it back to you, as if he needed to try it out himself. He smiled and nodded. “I like your name.”

“Thanks,” you replied sheepishly. “I like yours too.”

The two of you sat in silence for a bit, eating while looking out at the river. Normally the silence next to someone would’ve felt pressing, as if you needed to fill it with something. Meaningless words, small talk, fake smiles and forced laughter. But next to Namjoon, you didn’t feel that pressure at all. 

As you ate, you watched the waves ebb back and forth. Your thoughts dripped out like a leaky faucet, slowly and peacefully pooling until they got heavy enough to drop. This time, they weren’t mean. Just things you noticed around you.

The birds flying over the river, their wings spread out and soaring. 

Drip.

A toddler running past, giggling and pointing at the birds above; their mother running behind them with an exhausted but happy smile on her face. 

Drip.

Thunder rumbling softly in the distance, wind stirring your hair.

Drip.

The noise in your head quieted. The weight on the doors let up, the pressure easing.

“It looks like a storm is coming,” Namjoon remarked when he finished his sandwich, balling up the wrapper in his hand. You’d finished yours as well, and he grabbed both wrappers and tossed them into the trash next to him.

“Yeah, it does,” you replied, your voice only above a whisper. 

Namjoon put the strap of his bag over his head and smiled at you. “But everything goes, right?”

You nodded and smiled back at him. Your cheeks were wet. 

“I’ve gotta head out now, thanks for letting me share your bench.” He gave you a wave and started to walk off. His coat fluttered in the wind like wings.

“Thank you, Namjoon,” you called out.

He turned around and bowed his head with a smile. “See you around!”

You nodded and waved, and then pressed your back into the bench and looked out at the Han river. The thunder echoed louder, a low rumble that seemed to wrap itself around you comfortingly. 

“Everything goes,” you whispered. A rain drop fell on your arm and snaked its way down. 

You grabbed your bag and headed off to work, your steps much lighter than they had been before. 

...

A/N: If you somehow haven’t listened to Namjoon’s UN speech, or if it’s been a while since you last did, please check it out here: [x] 

Listen to mono: [x]

There are people to talk to if the noise gets too loud: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I love you and BTS loves you. Thanks for reading.

[bangtan-sonyeonddaeng]

Namjoon Scenario| “I just wanna stay right next to you”

I decided to combine these two requests because I think they went well together.  I Hope you enjoy some comforting Namjoon fluff! 

Today was the first day you had gone out of the house in a while. You had been in a slump of sorts, trying to find the motivation to do anything was proving to be a feat. You set a small goal for yourself. You wanted to go for a walk in the morning. In the early morning when there would be no one else around. 

You had woken up and almost weren’t going to go. But you had set your alarm to play Seoul off of the Mono mixtape and you instantly found yourself motivated to get out of bed, telling yourself that Namjoon would be proud of you for doing so. And you were going on a nature walk no less, one of his favorite things to do. You put on a coat and long pants and a pair of boots. It was still quite chilly in the mornings and you didn’t want to freeze. You grabbed your headphones, and made sure your phone was charged. You wanted to listen to Mono while you were walking in the woods as it brought you peace and comfort. 

You had been walking for about 20 minutes now, having his mixtape on repeat and playing the songs over again. You were singing along softly to Tokyo, completely oblivious to anyone else around you.  Namjoon had been walking behind you for quite some time now. He could hear your singing along to his mixtape and it filled his heart with so much joy to see someone thoroughly enjoying the music he had created. He didn’t want to walk past you. He was certain you probably thought you were alone and he didn’t want to scare you. So he kept himself a fair distance back. He soon found himself quietly singing along with you too. 

He got a little carried away and was dancing when suddenly he tripped over a large stick, landing with a loud oof and causing many twigs to break when he hit the ground. You screamed and threw your headphones off onto the ground ready to run, until you saw the crumpled figure of a man laying on the ground.

“Oh my god are you okay?!” You rush over to him and place your hand on his back. He’s still hunched over with his face buried in his hands. 

“Ah.. physically yes I’m fine. But my pride is a little hurt I must admit. But thank you.” You step away from him and give him a chance to stand up. You grab his palms and inspect them for any injuries.

“You have a few cuts on your hands are you going to be okay?”

“Ah, I’ve had much worse. But again thank you for your concern. You have a lovely voice by the way.” You blush when you realize this man has heard you singing. It’s at this moment you glance up and look into the kind stranger’s eyes, only to feel like the wind was knocked out of you. 

“Y...you’re....” 

“Ah, Namjoon? Yes that’s me.” 

“Oh my god you heard me singing to your songs. I am so embarrassed I made a fool out of myself.”

“No you didn’t. You sounded really lovely and it actually made me incredibly happy to hear you singing along with my music. Did you enjoy my mixtape?”

“Did I- what kind of question is that?! It’s amazing!” He chuckles at your enthusiastic response. Namjoon gestures to a large rock a little ways up the path.

“Do you want to sit with me? Maybe listen to it together?” Your brain short circuits for a moment when you realize that Namjoon, is asking to spend time with you. You agree and follow him over to sit. You hand him one of your ear buds and scoot close to him so the headphones will reach. You have it on shuffle and Forever Rain is the next song to play.

“Which song is your favorite y/n?”

“Honestly? I can’t choose. They’re all just too amazing. You really put your heart and soul into this mixtape and it shows. They bring me and so many others comfort. I mean just this morning I was struggling to even get out of bed but then your songs came on and I found the motivation to go on this walk. I actually haven’t been out of the house in days.. Ah sorry I’m rambling aren’t I?”

“No.. no it’s fine. I’m happy to hear that my music is able to help you. Are you doing okay though?”

“Yeah.. just kind of been in a slump lately but, I’m sure after today I will be feeling much better.” You offer him a small smile and he returns it with one of his own. He places his hand on yours and gives it a light squeeze before pulling his hand back.

“Good. I know it might seem small to you, but even leaving house sometimes can take a lot of effort. I’m proud you for doing so. I didn’t think I was going to see anyone else out here. Let alone a fan enjoying my music and getting to share a moment like this with them.”

“Me either. I actually came this early in the morning because I was hoping avoid other people. Not that I’m unhappy I got meet you!” 

“It’s alright, I understand what you mean. I guess this was kind of a small blessing that got us together right?” You nod your head and you both fall into a comfortable silence after that, letting the mixtape play on. You and Namjoon both sing along to some of the tracks, alternating lines and just enjoying the music together. When the final song plays and loops back to the beginning Tokyo begins playing. He sees you visibly relax and your eyes close as you listen to the peaceful track. You open your eyes and find that Namjoon is staring at you.

“What?”

“Nothing just.. it’s kind of cool to see the emotions in someone’s face when they are listening to something you created. I’ve never really had an opportunity like this before and it’s just.. amazing.” 

“Well, I’m glad I could be a part of this new experience with you then.” 

The song is coming to a close and Namjoon looks at you as he’s singing the last few words.

“If I could choose my dream, I just wanna stay right next to you.” You blush at him singing such sweet things to you, but you tell yourself it’s just because of the song and he can’t actually be saying them to you. You stand up and take the earbud out of your ear and Namjoon does the same.

“I should probably head back.. The members are probably wondering where I went.” 

“Did you not tell them you were coming here?”

“I did but they probably weren’t expecting me to be gone this long.”

“Oh.. I’m sorry for keeping you. You should have told me you had to leave.”

“But I wanted to stay with you longer. I meant what I said when I sang those lyrics to you. I was enjoying our time together and I didn’t want it to end.” You realize now that you had also felt the same way. Even though you two didn’t speak much, you just enjoyed being in each other’s presence. 

“Yeah.. I feel the same way too.” Namjoon chews on his lower lip, as if he’s hesitating to ask you something.

“Do you.. Do you think we could meet back here tomorrow too? We have a few days off and I would like to spend another one of those days with you.” 

“I would love that.” 

“Same time tomorrow?”

“If you want me to get out of bed that early again you’re going to have to bring me coffee this time.” He laughs loudly at your comment.

“Alright, I think I can handle that.” He gives you a shy wave before turning around and heading back down the path. You sit back down on the rock, recounting the day you had just had. All the while a smile is on your face, and you have a feeling that maybe things are going to be looking up for you after all. 

[worldwidebt7]

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT IT’S BEEN ONE YEAR SINCE I STARTED THIS BLOG?! Because I certainly can’t! Ahh... I remember flying back and forth between North Carolina and Pennsylvania and writing my dream-inspired story, “Han River, Seoul,” on my phone while listening to ‘mono’ on repeat (it is now my official travel music and must listen to it whenever I’m going anywhere).

I was sending that fic to my dearest @hopemonsteer​ as I completed it bit by bit, and because she loved it so much, I decided I wanted to share it with others! I just didn’t have a platform to do so at the moment, and thus “WorldWide_BT7″ was born!

I have never made a better decision in my life....

I have gained so much more than I could possibly ever give back. Truly, this blog has been one of my greatest blessings for so many reasons:

I have made such wonderful friends and met such creative and sincere creators that have not only supported me, but were also some of my greatest inspirations!

I was able to explore and combine two of my greatest loves: BTS and art! 

Not only was I able to express my love here, but I was also accepted and supported without judgment when anywhere else I would have been laughed at or scorned.

I got to become more ingrained into the beautiful, kind, soft part of the BTS fandom~ (though let’s be real; no matter how soft we are, we all really just thirsty hoes on the inside!) 

I got to start a Webtoon! A real webtoon-- ON WEBTOON! Yes, it’s not featured, but I would have never thought I was ready enough to attempt one of my biggest dreams unless I had all of the love and support I have here!

But I want to do more in the future...

When I first created this blog, I originally just wanted a space to put out my creations for others to possibly enjoy. Moving forward into year two with you all, I’m hoping that I can do something more here.

I want to create a space where people can feel safe and welcomed and loved, like you all have done for me. I don’t want people to feel afraid to just stop by and talk about, well, anything!

I’ll also start reblogging others’ writings and artworks to support other creators! I know I have recommended lists, but somehow I don’t feel like that’s enough... So, starting now, I’ll be doing weekly fic reviews and BTS fanart features to spread the love!

We’ve experienced so many things here together...

With BTS...

The iconic 2018 Melon Music Awards (never forget...)

The forever heartbreaking 2018 MAMA Awards (tears were shed...)

The Love Yourself World Tour (and selling out every stadium in existence...)

"Map of the Soul: Persona” (and it’s corresponding MVs, live performaces, heart attacks...)

Jimin’s “Promise”

Taehyung’s “Scenery” and “Winter Bear”

Jin’s “This Night”

Namjoon’s “Old Town Road” Remix

Suga’s feature on “Song Request”

BTS on every assortment of American Talk Shows

BTS winning Best Group/Duo AND Top Social Artist at BBMAs

BTS presenting at the Grammy Awards (and JK crying sweetly...)

BTS 5th Muster: “Magic Shop”

Japanese single “Lights”

BTS WORLD (and every song/music video/picture included...)

Bring The Soul Movie

Lotte Family Concert (the fan cams of death)

Their first break in AGES (though we got NO rest...)

J-Hope+Becky G “Chicken Noodle Soup”

“Make It Right” feat. Lauv M/V

JK’s long hair (you will be missed...)

...and here on the blog too!

4,200+ subscribers on Tumblr! (really guys... I just... I love you so much!)

12,000+ followers on “Hybridthesis” on Webtoon! (O.O)

The completion of “Crinkle” (2,500+ notes on Chapter 1!)

The beginning of “Black or White” (The tag list is crazy guys!)

3 of 7 fanfictions in the [MEETING YOU] Series: “Han River, Seoul”, “COFFEE”, and “Turned Around”

Two drabbles: “Buttons” and “Scenery”

A ton of fanart

The opening of commissions

I still can’t believe that I’ve already spent a whole year with you guys... I just want you to know that this is probably the longest I’ve stuck to anything, and it’s all because of you! This is truly a community that I hope to be a part of for a long  time to come, and I hope that you’ll be here with me!

Thank you so much everyone! Here’s to the next year with you all!

[taetaespeaches]

I really want to share some takes for BE, but my thoughts are still over the place. 🤧 I remember some people saying this album is gonna be like the ot7's version of mono and I guess they're right. I can see myself putting BE on repeat whenever I seek for comfort.

Oh, I took a short walk while listening to Blue & Grey after a heavy rain. When I tell you it's one of the best ways to enjoy this album.... Can't wait to spend my weekend strolling around the city with BE blasting on my playlist. 💜

Also, can you imagine the power KTH1 will hold? Tae is truly a genius for giving us Blue & Grey.

That’s very much how I feel!! Like so many thoughts, zero capability to express them in words right now haha. Ugh I’ve seen that mono comparison a few times now and just yes. It’s definitely going to be that comfort album for sure!! It’s so special.

Omg I love that so much!!! That sounds like such an amazing moment for that song. I haven’t been able to leave my house yet so I’ve been trapped indoors listening to it which is somehow fitting lol. I can’t wait to get out and walk around listening to it.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR TAE TO BLESS US WITH KTH1!!!! His thoughts are so deep and ugh I just really relate to him in so many ways. I truly adore that man so much. Blue & Grey is amazing and beautiful and melancholic and I’m so proud of him for it. He’s grown into such an inspirational and wonderful and talented artist. He’s going to rip my heart out with KTH1 but I want it lol

[jinpanman]

tagged by @ditzymax -- you are a darling for including me in these things thank you💖

Rules: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

🌱

AIR: i have small hands (well if my 2XS work gloves are anything to go by...) / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn (i do but not willingly so...) / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

WATER: i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls (i never will) / i play an organised sport (very and i mean VERY casual volleyball. I'm not competitive in the slightest) / i love dogs (i used to and then i doggy sat for a week and now i just like them)  / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers (i don't love it persay but im not uncomfortable with it! guess i wouldn't mind keeping at it until i love it lol) / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season (never i hate being hot) / my radio is always playing (i mean technically it's my phone but like... same thing)

FIRE: i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i re-watch kids shows out of nostalgia (movies yes. shows not so much) / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH: i wear glasses or contacts (i feel naked without my glasses. havent worn contacts in years) / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued adviser to my friends / i believe in true love / i love the chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER: i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

🌱

I don't think I know enough people to tag that many..... but I'll tag @wwilloww @ladyartemesia @kigurumu @ot7always @joonie-mono @vinterjeon @blossoms-nursery I hope you folks don't mind! I know we're just acquaintances but I'd love to know more about each of you ☺

[theyearoftheking]

Book Forty-Nine: Black House

“Here is a true American loner, an internal vagrant, a creature of shabby rooms and cheap diners, of aimless journeys resentfully taken, a collector of wounds and injuries lovingly fingered and refingered. Here is a spy with no cause higher than himself.” 

After almost fifty books, The Talisman still stands at the top of the leader board as my favorite Steve book. It’s richly layered, full of memorable characters and horrible villains, with a satisfying conclusion. It’s the type of book fantasy and horror lovers alike are eager to escape into. 

It’s sometimes hard to embrace the sequel to a book you love so much... I mean, I can be bought, but my criteria are stringent:

Consider setting the book in Wisconsin... perhaps the beautiful, sad, remote, desolate western part of the state right along the Mississippi river.

Maybe a Dahmer reference? 

Scratch that. Instead, go with an old-school serial killer no one really talks about anymore. How about... Albert Fish? He’s pretty gross. 

On second thought, reconsider a Dahmer reference. Maybe an evil spirit that links Dahmer and Fish together? 

TONS of Dark Tower references. 

If Steve and Pete were to consider writing a follow up to The Talisman with all these elements, I might consider reading it. 

Spoiler! 

Dark House contains all this goodness, and more. 

It’s so fucking dark, y’all. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to drive past a long-term care facility and NOT think about an old man inside wanting to eat the buttocks of small children.

Oh hey, trigger warnings for cannibalism, and violence against children. 

So, Dark House is set in fictional Coulee County, Wisconsin (not a place). But Steve and Pete (I need to start giving Peter Straub some shout outs as well) describe the western part of the state magnificently. Not too long ago I had a sales job that required me to travel the entire state, and I always loved my jaunts west. I’d park right along the Mississippi, eat my lunch and just soak up the isolation. I’d much rather make the drive to Pierce county than the Quad Cities, which my current employer is asking of me. *Silent scream for help*

Despite Coulee being fictional, the actual Wisconsin references are thick:

De Pere (where we recently found out Steve spent a few formative years)

The Brewers 

Miller Park 

Kingsland Ale- while fictional, it’s a nod to Wisconsin’s rich brewing history, and favorable climate for microbreweries

Dahmer (several times, actually)

Racine. Y’all. I have no idea what Steve’s obsession is with Racine... it comes up in multiple books. It’s really not that great. Take that from someone who spent a brief period of time working there. Honestly, my favorite thing about Racine is the authentic Thai restaurant right in downtown, Sticky Rice. If you find yourself in Racine, please go check them out... their red devil curry is amaze-balls. 

So, yes... lots of Wisconsin. Also, lots of Dark Tower:

Eye of the King

Crimson King

The Tower

Red roses

Breakers

Little Sisters 

Gunslingers and their weapons

Roland and the ka-tet

Monos! Blaine and Patricia

Chief Breaker Brautigan- who allegedly tells hilarious stories about his escapes. I miss him already. 

I have questions about how Steve convinced Pete to include so many Dark Tower elements into this book...

Steve:  “Pete, bud... I know you might have a different vision for how this book plays out. Buuut what about if we make it part of the Dark Tower universe?”

Pete: Stares for a long minute. “Um, I thought that series was dead in the water. Do we really need to use Dark House to resuscitate it?” 

Steve: “Remember the car accident? You know, the one that almost took my leg?” 

Pete *Oh fuck, he’s bringing up the car accident as a bid for sympathy, and to convince me to make this a Dark Tower book...* “Of course I remember!”

Steve: “Well, it shook some things loose. I’m about ready to finish the series. I just thought it might be fun if we make this book a lead-up to the finale” 

Pete: “It’s intriguing, but I’m not really sure it’s the direction I want to go in. I was thinking more-”

Steve: “I ALMOST DIED IN THAT ACCIDENT!” 

Pete: “Cool, Dark Tower book it is!” 

I should write fan fiction. I’ve obviously got a gift. 

Black House is told from a birds-eye narration view. Literally... there’s this fat, evil crow named Gorg flying all over town, giving us the lay of Coulee County. Bad stuff has been going on: little children have gone missing, and only a few of their bodies have turned back up mutilated and broken. 

The chief of police, Dale Gilbertson, knows he’s in over his head, and keeps trying to convince his pal, retired police detective, Jack “Hollywood” Sawyer to come consult on the case.

Jack isn’t having it. He retired young and moved to Coulee County from Los Angeles after tracking down and arresting serial killer Thorny Kinderling. The majestic beauty of western Wisconsin caught him by surprise, and he happily invested in reasonably priced (read: cheap) real estate with a view. 

Upon moving to Wisconsin, Jack befriended Dale’s blind uncle Henry Leydon; who voices several radio programs, including The Wisconsin Rat, which plays indy screamo bands and has plenty of shock-jock antics. The two hang out together, listen to jazz music, and sometimes Jack reads to Henry. Henry was able to use his elevated senses to study Jack’s speech pattern and figure out Jack’s mom was THE Lily Cavanaugh; the Queen of the B’s. 

While Jack and Henry are reading Bleak House, Charles “Burny” Burnside is wandering around the Maxton Elder Care Facility, pretending to have dementia, and dragging children into The Territories for Lord Malshun to either use as Breakers, or for Burny to snack on if they have no Breaking skills. So, Burny’s a bad dude who did some suspicious things in Chicago; but an evil spirit (the same one who invaded Albert Fish and Jeffrey Dahmer’s bodies) is what’s causing his kidnapping and cannibalistic urges. I know I say this every ten books or so, but Burny might be the worst King villain ever. I was not upset later on when his intestines were violently ripped from his body.

A sweet little boy (with strong Breaker powers) named Tyler Marshall goes missing outside the Maxton Elder Care Facility. While he was being pulled into the bushes by Gorg who kept repeating his name; his mother, Judy receives a taunting package and letter from The Fisherman, which sends her over the brink, and she’s institutionalized. 

Tyler’s disappearance really amps up the town outrage, and Jack agrees to help the police department out. He’s starting to suspect there’s some Territories nonsense going down, and he can help. 

From here, the book goes at break-neck pace and includes everything from micro-brewing bikers, a dog bite that causes one to dissolve into a foamy puddle on the couch, our old friend Speedy Parker showing up as a gunslinger, the world’s most annoying newspaper reporter, plenty of flipping between worlds via the creepy old black house hidden in the woods, and a happy(ish) ending. Honestly, there’s a warning at the end of the book, which allows you to choose your own ending. You can stop reading five pages before the end, and enjoy a happy ending where the good guys win; or you can get the real world ending. Both are satisfying... I recommend reading all the way to the end. 

So, just a few quotes for you... 

“Wolf died of a disease called America.” 

This line gutted me. I didn’t realize how much I loved Wolf as a character, until I had to read a follow-up that didn’t include him. His soul was too clean and beautiful for a fucked-up world like the one we currently live in. 

“He doesn’t like the cell phone to begin with- twenty-first-century slave bracelets, he thinks them...”

No explanation needed. 

“Why must life always demand so much and give so little? Parkus answers her question with a single word: ka.” 

Again, no explanation needed. 

Was this book as good as The Talisman? 

No. 

Did I want more? 

Absolutely.

But was I satisfied with the end?

You bet your (un-chomped on) ass.

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 33

Total Dark Tower References: 50

Book Grade: A-

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

The Talisman: A+

Wizard and Glass: A+

Needful Things: A+

On Writing: A+

The Green Mile: A+

Hearts in Atlantis: A+

Rose Madder: A+

Misery: A+

Different Seasons: A+

It: A+

Four Past Midnight: A+

The Shining: A-

The Stand: A-

Bag of Bones: A-

Black House: A-

The Wastelands: A-

The Drawing of the Three: A-

Dolores Claiborne: A-

Nightmares in the Sky: B+

The Dark Half: B+

Skeleton Crew: B+

The Dead Zone: B+

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: B+

‘Salem’s Lot: B+

Carrie: B+

Creepshow: B+

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: B

Storm of the Century: B-

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

Danse Macabre: B-

The Running Man: C+

Thinner: C+

Dark Visions: C+

The Eyes of the Dragon: C+

The Long Walk: C+

The Gunslinger: C+

Pet Sematary: C+

Firestarter: C+

Rage: C

Desperation: C-

Insomnia: C-

Cujo: C-

Nightshift: C-

Gerald’s Game: D

Roadwork: D

Christine: D

Dreamcatcher: D

The Regulators: D

The Tommyknockers: D-

Now I move onto From a Buick Eight. I’ve had an advanced reading copy since the book came out, but never had the urge to actually read it. That should tell you everything you need to know about my level of enthusiasm right now. I’m hoping it’s not a Christine 2.0. 

Until next time, Long Days & Pleasant Nights, Rebecca 

[nerdysakura]

Dearest, Jonghyun, my moon, my star

I must have written this letter over a thousand times in my head. And now that I’m here, it’s still so hard for me and I’m afraid I won’t be able to put my feelings into words properly. I’m not sure how long it’ll be so bear with me. To be honest, it’s been a such a hard year, I’m surprised I made it. All I can say is that like what Kibum said when asked how SHINee stayed as a group as long as 10 years together, “We’ve endured.” That’s basically how it is. I’ve endured this year. And I’m sure I’ll endure the rest of the years in my life as I have been. The days seemed to pass by excruciatingly slow in the beginning and yet, here we are already a year later in the blink of an eye. There were days that were harder than others, of course. The pain and denial are still here. I’m sorry I’m still crying for you when such a long time has passed. How I wished every day you were still with us. I’m sorry for always being so selfish.

I’ve had time to look back this year; to see where I went wrong, I guess. The first thing that comes to mind is the “feeling”. I can’t pinpoint what the exact day or time was, but I’m sure it was days or maybe a week or two before you left. I remember opening the door to exit through the staff side one day at the end of my shift (it must’ve been an afternoon because the sun was still out) and I was consumed with what I can compare to a panic or anxiety attack. This “feeling” I don’t know how to describe it per se, but I felt like the world was going to come to an end. Literally what crossed my mind was “the world is going to end” and I was hyperventilating, this feeling almost knocked me off my feet I had to keep myself up with the wall. I was panicking, I was scared, I started crying for no reason other than this feeling that consumed me. And then I stopped. I took deep breathes and said, “No. This is not 2012. We’re in 2017. This is still my year (year of the Rooster like Taeminnie). We’re still alive. We’re okay. We’re fine. Everything will be okay.” I went down the list of those I cared about, my mom, my sisters, my brother, my friends, we were all fine. And my thoughts went to SHINee. We were still waiting for Onew but you had all promised to be back together as five and you were all doing solo work then but I had hope that for your 10th anniversary you’d all be back as five as promised, and I repeated that until I calmed down enough to continue walking to my car. As usual, I put K-Pop on for my commute home. I haven’t felt that surging feeling of the world ending before other than the anxiety before 2012, but I remember, when my pet bird Patches passed away when I was in high school, I felt something, a sense of peace pass through me, like a soul touching my own, as if she traveled to where I was in school to bid me farewell. And I called my mom during a break to my next class to ask how she was doing. She said she was fine and was resting; it wasn’t until when I got home that we found out she had passed in her sleep.  As I looked back on that this year, I often wondered if when I had that feeling if that’s the exact moment you decided it was your time to go and made the preparations for it. I’m not saying I have this deep, profound connection to you or SHINee or anything like that, but it could be that my love for you and SHINee is so strong that when such a decision was made the weight of what it would feel to me was equivalent of the world coming to an end. The coincidence in timing...I can’t ignore it. I’m sure that’s what it was. And I wondered if I had taken that feeling seriously if I hadn’t dismissed it and consoled myself that everything was fine if what happened could have been avoided. I HAD that feeling, I should’ve acted on it. I’m sorry I failed you.

This year, I tried consoling myself yet again saying that there’s no way I could have known the implications of how true that feeling would come to pass. And maybe that’s true, but it doesn’t erase the guilt. I remember when the initial photos came out days after your INSPIRED concert, I wondered why you had such a look? You were looking out into the audience as if for the last time. Your eyes were twinkling as if to say you would miss seeing the pearlescent aqua ocean. You were trying to hide your tears from us, and I wondered why; you’ve never hidden them before. They were always tears of gratitude; after all, you were always sensitive and true with your feelings towards us even when you said in an interview you cry in front of others when you’re comfortable with that person, and we love and accept that about you. But this look was especially evident when you were in your white turtleneck and suit. I’m not sure why but I couldn’t bring myself to watch the videos other than the VCRs, maybe it was because of that look. You were cherishing each moment on that stage, you might have already known by then it would be your last time seeing us and wanted to take it all in one last time. Even in your upbeat songs where you were smiling and having fun, you were careful on stage and somewhat guarded, but I felt you were cherishing and savoring every moment. Even before this concert,  “Our Season” was a such a sweet song but one I wasn’t able to listen to, and I wasn’t sure why. Ever since reading the lyrics after the album came out I felt like you were saying goodbye with that song, and the fact that it was the last song on Story Op.2 didn’t help either. That song was one of the few stages I had time to watch and to see you with that look on you had me crying and again, it was like you were saying goodbye and sorry to us. The words you wrote, the way you sang the lyrics to that song in those days left me uneasy and crying and I wasn’t sure of the reason why until days later. That week I was busy preparing for a convention that weekend so although I felt all that, I didn’t have time to process it completely. And that weekend as soon as I got home I would pass out and sleep right away. Still, that weekend was the most fun I had. I remember driving home on the last day telling my sister how inspired I was, I was excited about the Korean Language classes I was about to take, learning more K-Pop dances was my resolution for the new year starting from the beginning with SHINee’s Replay, and perform it in the dance cover contest. I was sure it was only a matter of time before they announced Jinki was innocent and dropped of all charges and we’d have an amazing 10th anniversary year together. But then Monday came and it felt like the world was going to end when I heard the news. My world came crumbling down. Winter has come again, you who said you resemble winter came back. Now it really has become “Our Season.” I’m sorry, I should’ve figured it out sooner. 

The first song that came on shuffle when I decided I couldn’t let the happiness you brought me to disappear was Mono-Drama. It was the first song by you that I fully related to. The one in your first solo album I love the most since it’s a rare song to hear you in your lower register. At that time I was glad that was the first song that came up because it was a song I was taken aback by.  Often growing up, I never had to courage to tell my crushes I like them, so like in Mono-Drama I would create scenarios in my head of what our relationship would be like. Those scenarios became stories I write of my favorite anime. I was amazed at how someone I love and admire completely could understand me with just one song? Have you made Mono-Drama’s too? Now though, I wondered if you were telling me I’ve been living in a Mono-Drama this whole time. Have I really been so disillusioned? I know the happiness you’ve given us wasn’t a lie. I never imagined being with any of SHINee. All I wished for was to meet you and say thank you. Be there for you, be a friends with you all and share your concerns. Is there more I could have done? Was there ever something I could have done? Even now I feel so helpless. There are countless ‘what ifs’ I’ll never have an answer to.

You were never one to hide from us. We respected the privacy you decided to keep to yourself. It’s hard for me to say but I have the same condition as you did. “ Seasonal Affective Disorder “ you called it. And when you explained what it was, it was like a light bulb when off. “Ah, so that’s what it is, I feel that too Jonghyunnie. We can get through this, I know it,” I said to myself when I found out. It comes in the same months as yours too. Through your radio show, I found we’re a lot alike. And of course, I found comfort in your words like so many others. It’s hard for me to express myself, I’m very introverted. And I never voice my concerns to my friends or family. I’m their “rock”, you see. I drive my mom and older sister to work and on errands, I help with the laundry and dishes and housework, I take on most of the bills and keep track of their due dates, I help my mom navigate the ever-growing technical advances, I’m the lending ear and the one who always has to be strong for them. I can’t let them see me crack or else they might lose that pillar of support I try to provide. It’s hard sometimes to show a happy face when the pressure is consuming you, right? When “End of a Day” first came out, I cried to that song for an hour before even reading the lyrics. I just felt your words, without knowing their meaning. And once I did I cried to it again. That song comforted me more than I can ever express. It came out during a time when I needed to hear those words the most. It was then that you taught me, it’s okay to cry sometime when things are hard. “Just take a nice long cry in front of a mirror,” you once said. And I’ve used that advice. You taught me it’s okay to feel frustrated and cry and not be okay all the time. To take a day or evening for myself and Just Chill to watch tv, a drama, read a book or listen to music; that it’s okay to put something off Until Tomorrow when I’m in a better state. That’s why I always dreamed of meeting you one day, preferably in a fan sign event and tell you in person, “Thank you. You’ve worked hard, too. Thank you so much.” I wanted to sing that song for you at the Korean Festival in my town this year but didn’t make it in. I’m sorry, I wish I could have given a tribute to you but I’m still lacking. I’m sorry I couldn’t say those words back to you in person.

This first half of the year has been especially hard. All of  “You & I” was basically me during that time. The lyrics especially “My friends comforted me, So I don’t think I feel sad [...] I’m the only one hurting, I may look fine. I’m not easy, my feeling aren’t for decoration. There are countless stars in my heart. There’s one star that shines painfully. I don’t want to grab it, but I don’t want it to go out.” That song was one I found comfort in as well this year. It let me know that I’m not alone. There are a couple people I’m thankful to for helping me get through this year. First I’m so incredibly thankful to my two friends who stuck with me this entire year. I’d rather stay in my room like you, I’m not good in a social setting, but they brought me out to play games, play just dance, hang out, eat, vent, talk, comfort, really when I’ve been with them, I don’t think I felt sad. They kept me happy and smiling this year I’m so incredibly lucky to have them. They understood my feelings for you because they’re also fans of yours. It didn’t matter how much of a short while they were with you, we’ve been healing together. I wish I could do more and introduce them to more of SHINee but baby steps. We’re still hurting. I’ve never thought about leaving as you did as much as I did this year. And it’s been scary, to say the least, how many times I’ve considered it in the last twelve months. But I thought of the pain I’ve felt. I don’t want to put my loved ones through this. I don’t think I could move on if I did. Second, I’m so thankful to my sister especially. Even just seeing her at her desk, just having her alive with me kept me going. Honestly, if she left too I might just join her. She struggles with depression as you did so I’m always scared something will happen that will take her away from me. My world might literally crumble down if she left me too. Even if she’s always busy with projects, so we can’t always hang out, the fact that she’s here with me gives me the strength to keep going too. And of course, thirdly, you and SHINee mean so much to me. It must have been harder for your brothers who knew you so well but I’m incredibly thankful to the members this year. They gave us three amazing EPs, four beautiful title tracks to make one epic 10th-anniversary album (which I’m certain your vocals were in more than that one song). Taeminnie’s space filled Japanese full album and Key’s and Onew’s solo album have given me strength as the year wraps up just as The Story of Light did to get me through your 10th anniversary and your album Poet | Artist has at the beginning of the year. They didn’t have to come back, everyone would understand if they decided not to, but they decided met with us, heal with us,  and cried with us. Truly our hearts were one this promotion period. Have you heard our voices well? We’ll continue to sing for you, so your voices reach you wherever you are. There’s still a long way to go but I won’t give up. For me, there are always countless reasons of why I need you. The five of you are my words, my sentences, my entire language. The page in the novel has yet to end. We’ll keep writing it together. I want to stay together until the end.  I can’t thank SHINee enough for what they’ve done this year. Yes, we’re still hurting and mourning but we’re going through this time together. And I’m sure you’re supporting them just as much, if not more, from where you are now as you did here.

During one of your last insta-lives, you were searching for Korean Shawols to notice you. You were asking what to do to fight off your lethargy and depression. I and so many others knew of your Seasonal Affective Disorder, you weren’t hiding it from us, so I guess that’s why it’s been so hard trying to come out from this. I just wish I was able to help you then, but I, like so many international Shawols, don’t speak or understand Korean unless kind fans translate for us. I’ve been trying to learn before; Since my dream to meet you and SHINee and say “Thank you” I’ve slowly been trying to learn Korean for you. But I was too late in helping you. Every night I thought, “if only I understood what you were saying then, could I have said or done something to help? To still have you here with us? I had the feeling, I should’ve acted on it. If only I could express myself in Korean to you.” Which is why this year I’ve buckled down and found a Korean church that offers language classes. I’m moving on to level three hopefully next semester, but I’m still nowhere near where I want to be. I know a lot more now but I can’t always understand a full passage or when the teachers are talking to each other. Still, I promise to keep working hard to better communicate with the other members and you too, of course. Maybe next year I’ll write to you fully in Korean? You’ve struggled for so long. And even if there is nothing I could have done, I still wish there was. I miss you. There hasn’t been one day this year when I haven’t thought of you or missed you. I could see and hear where you’d be incorporated into the songs and choreography for The Story of Light. I know there are others who blame SM but I don’t. This was your decision. Your company supported you and trusted in you. You had the first solo album completely composed by the singer. They trusted you with writing for your group, for other artists, for yourself and expressing yourself in your music. They could have given you songs from other producers but no, they supported you and your music and gave you the freedom to express yourself through your solo career and as a radio DJ. I thought listening to your worries was enough since that’s all I could do. I wasn’t fluent enough in Korean to help you just yet, but I was wrong and awful to think that was enough, I’m sorry. 

It was hard to listen to anything by you or with SHINee at first, I’ll admit, but when I was able to fully listen to SHINee again this year, I couldn’t feel sad, I just couldn’t. You’ve all brought such me incredible happiness with your music it’s like I’ve been conditioned to feel nothing but love and happiness when listening to you all. So that when the time came, those first initial feelings of what your songs made me feel came flooding back. I was surprised, I thought it’d be painful with the reality of not hearing you again sing all these songs and performing them together. But instead, the feeling when listening to you all together was of comfort and happiness just as it’s always been. I understand how hard it must’ve been for you to be in the spotlight for so long. But one thing I’m sure of is that you loved the stage, you loved your members, you loved Shawols, you loved writing, you loved composing, you loved music. And to not listen to SHINee or your work would be a dishonor to all the hard work you’ve put in over the years, the feelings you pouring into your songs, the hours of practice you put into before every performance. You are more than this day. SHINee is more than this day, and it’d be a shame to put all your work to waste. We can’t let you become a taboo subject. So I’ll keep supporting and loving 5HINee as I've always had throughout the years. You won’t be forgotten, I won’t allow it. To all Shawols, old and new, let’s continue as well, even if it’s hard, please keep listening to SHINee and Jonghyun. 

Of course, I’m aware there are songs that are hard for me to listen to, for me too. Though Story Op.2 is one of my favorite albums by you I finally understand that story you were telling us then. It’s an album I can relate to the most so it’s sad and hard for me to listen to it fully now that I know the ending. I was confused by the lyrics in Fireplace when I first read them, and now it makes perfect sense. I’m sorry. I was too absorbed in how well I relate to you I couldn’t say the words you wanted to hear most in the time you needed to. That being said, the songs in that album both hurt and comfort me, I know I’m not alone, but for you, I’ll keep going. Thank you for all you gave us, the smiles, laughs, jokes, tears of joy, words of comfort, happiness, your kindness, the memes. Thank you for letting us hear your voice, for sharing your talent, for opening your heart, for letting us love you, the real you, for giving it your all on everything you did be it music, variety shows, performing with SHINee or as simply Jonghyun, for taking the time to reach out and connect with us through Blue Night or your social media. Thank you for being you. I don’t blame you for leaving, I find I blame myself more though I know you wouldn’t want me to. You’ve struggled a lot, and I wish there was more I could’ve done for you. I never noticed how little of the moon I actually see until this year. But whenever the moon appeared I would smile because it felt like you were up there, poking out from a cloud to say hello. I could feel you’re still here in my heart and always I would give you a thumbs up and said you did well. I wish I could have helped you as you did me. But that’s just me being selfish again. I’m sorry, I still can’t send you off with a smile. All I can do is apologize to you every night. Writing this has been hard. But know that I love you and miss you always. You’ve done enough. Thank you for working so hard. I hope you are in peace and are happy. You’ve done well. truly you did well. You are my pride.

With love,

Forever a Shawol

[roxettediaries]

Showing Off Mono Mind

“Love and Pass”, did I really wrote that yesterday? I need sleep, and I am not getting enough time for that, so what can you expect from me?

Today, I had a lovely time with my German Teacher, and there was tea there too.

How can I relate this to Roxette? Long story short, I’m was siting with my teacher because Roxette happened? Sure, I’ve repeated this many times, maybe in a few more days, I’ll repeate the cycle again and conclude it on a friend for what’s going on!

OK, my head is spinning again, with sleep, don’t worry!

Yesterday, I met a 19-20 boy who likes to listen to EDM. And the moment I heard the letters EDM, I thought of showing off about a Swedish band, which I happened to have interest not equal to even a dot.

“Hey, do you know about Mono Mind?”

Nope, but I’ll check.

I’m sure he didn’t check, but I am not even sure that if it’s likeable material or not.

Love and Peace

14/3/19