#i’m really good at getting anxious about medical problems i made up in my head

[pocket-deer-boy]

I’m dealing with a little medical anxiety moment (not uncommon for me, usually it ends up being absolutely nothing but it fills me with dread anyways) and the one thing pulling me forward right now, is that if it IS somehow breast cancer? I will instruct the surgeon to give me the coolest fucking surgery scar possible and i can draw my oc’s with that. And everyone will be like “oh wow he has such a cool chest scar on only one chest that’s so sick” and they will be right. And now i want it to be breast cancer really bad but it’ll probably be something super lame

[sunset-peril]

Present and Future

"Good morning, Princess!"

Zelda's smile, a wonder significantly more common in the modern age, shone through the early morning fog. "Welcome back to Hateno, Purah! It's wonderful to see you again." A tiny hand stretched out from the sling cradled against her chest. 

“Aw, is that the baby?!” At Zelda's approval, Purah peeked inside the cloth to see a golden baby stretching. “Oh, She's gotten so big since I last saw her.” 

“She's got her father's snout…” Zelda chuckled, lifting a tiny wrist. “And his paws, too. It's fascinating! The traits that dictate the brunt of the Wolfbred tribe's differences from Hylians would appear to be dominant in a first-generation hybrid!” Her voice fell off for a few awkward seconds before her grip tightened on the baby's small wrist. 

“What's wrong?”

“Just… we almost lost her so many times…  more times than I can count on my hands…” 

Purah gripped Zelda's shaking hand with her's. “But you didn't. Despite all odds, she made it. She was born healthy and happy, and she's thriving now. Her Papa was a significantly riskier baby, and he made it through! She's fine, Zelda.”

Tears Zelda didn't even know were forming creeped out the corners of her eyes as she looked down at the little one snuggled against her chest. Purah was right. Despite the sheer number of near-misses Zelda's pregnancy carried, both Zelda and Zelda Ivee made it to the other side alive. She was a miracle in so many ways, and now her parents got to cherish her instead of fretting about her survival. 

“Speaking of her papa, where is good ol’ Linky?” 

A laugh finally broke across Zelda’s burdened visage. “Come with me.” With a light beckon of the hand, she led Purah across the village to the Great Ton Pu Inn. 

By the time they'd reached the small two-pot cooking station, Purah could see the form of a blond man laying underneath the inn's balcony. She chuckled as Zelda climbed the first small flight of the Inn's stairs to sit next to the tiny sapling near Link's head. “He's prepared for rain, now isn't he?” 

“Yes,” Zelda gently reached underneath the balcony and brushed a yellow butterfly off Link's nose. “He's hunkered down, as they say, for a long nap.”  

“Does he normally sleep outside the house?”

“Outside of the house’s actual footprint, you mean? Yes, he does spend a lot of time sleeping outside the house. If you mean whether he sleeps a lot off of our property, then it depends. If I’m at home then he’ll usually stay around there too.” She chuckles, stroking her daughter’s head while admiring her husband. “On the ground level to the second floor if it’s sunny, under the roof between the two second-floor windows if it’s rainy, somewhere out in the yard if he’s not feeling too great. When he gets really anxious, I’ve even seen him climb up onto the pergola over the door and lay down there! Really, wherever he can get to that doesn’t cross the bridge. If I’m out amongst the town, then he could really be found sleeping anywhere between the Ginner Woods and Hateno Bay. Although, while I’m working he usually hangs out either at home or at the school. He doesn’t tend to wander much then. He seems to prefer locations resembling a kind of open-air stall, with a roof but no walls. I built him a little hutch on the eastern side of the house near the big tree recently, for when he starts having joint trouble and can’t get up to his more preferred spots as easily.” 

“Yes, he is getting older… Do you have a reason to think he’ll start having problems soon? There’s still a whole decade before Link’s officially a senior Wolfbred.” 

She sighed, reaching under again to brush hair out of Link’s sleeping face, a somber expression glimmering as she viewed the faint markings present on Link’s forehead, as well as his multitude of facial scars. “I’m really worried about his right leg. That ball joint was a concern for the medical staff even before the Calamity… I guess I’m just worried about dysplasia. And those super small joints he’s got in his knees, Father always said they were a poster case for early arthritis. He really abused that right knee as a knight, so I’m worried it’s not going to last much longer.” She shook her head and forced a laugh. “I really shouldn’t worry too much, he just turned nineteen.” 

Purah laughed, disturbing Link slightly. “We did just celebrate good ol’ Linky, didn't we?” She smiled as Link's snorts returned to soft snores. “Is he in any pain? If he doesn't seem to be hurting yet, I'd say just make sure he's not jumping off things for now. The researcher in me wants to get a good look at his bones and joints, but I know better than to try and pat him down while he's sleeping. Lasli's still got that scar.” 

“Link doesn't seem to be in any pain per se. He seems a little uncomfortable in the humidity, but not pained.” 

“Well, my knees are uncomfortable in the humidity, and I was six until recently. He'd probably have to get looked at. Which he won't like.”

“No… no he will not.” Zelda repositioned the cloth cradle around her chest so that the little pup didn't squirm away from her, Zelda Ivee didn't seem to take her mother's security very well and began to fuss. “Hopefully, being in Hateno with the other wolfbred will make Link less fussy. I really don't need to manage him on top of the little one.” 

The infant's crying woke Link, he slowly brought himself back up to all fours (although Purah definitely took note that Link was not having the easiest time) and crawled over to his baby. He stuck his snout-like nose into the sling and began to purr, Zelda Ivee calming shortly after grabbing ahold of his snout.

“Aw, good boy, Link. Good dad.” His wife ruffled his hair and kissed his sleepy forehead. She had all kinds of urges to mess with his hair, calling him all kinds of names more befitting a cute dog than a retired hero, but she forced herself to repress them. One hundred years ago, it was common, but it was no longer acceptable for a Hylian to treat a Wolfbred in such a lowly manner.

Purah giggled as the super-soldier sported a giant, goofy grin with his nose being tugged on by a baby. No research paper from the era of the Wolfbred's creation would say that this could possibly be any kind of life for someone like him, but Link clicked right into his role in the village, and his family, like he'd been designed specifically to do so. She'd been worried when Link began to present the disorder that had plagued male Wolfbred just before the exile, that Link's humanity would seep away until he was only an animalistic beast. However; it seemed that, despite all odds, Link was still the same man that Zelda had fallen for a century before. And for her sake, the baby's sake, and the sake of the rebuilding kingdom; that was a gift from Hylia. 

Now if only she could figure something out for his stuff joints…

[eggcompany]

Stephen Strange is a good Doc

Bucky has impacted slick glands and Doctor Banner is out of town for a while. So he seeks out the magic man. His name is Doctor so... Plus Tony told him that Stephan worked with trauma cases. Stephen is a good doctor. Bucky feels alot better at the end.

“Um doctor? Or um step-Stephen?” Bucky said as he walked into the library. He was looking for the magic man. He heard that he was a surgeon and had worked with trauma omegas.

The man he was looking for popped his head around a shelf. He hadn’t talked much to the long haired man but he treated everyone with the same kindness.

“Hello sergeant! It’s Doctor Strange or Stephen is okay too! Were you looking for me?” Replied Stephen Bucky was soon wobbly walking his way to the place where the doctor was standing.

“yeah I was... um you were... you were a doctor right?” Bucky said and looked at the floor. He spoke quietly.

“Yes I was, I worked mostly trauma and reconstruction but yes I am a doctor. Is there something... wrong?” Stephen said and bent to look at Bucky’s eyes. He saw Bucky’s face was tinged pink. Usually Bruce took care of the super soldiers.

Bucky was hunched up over himself but he flashed his grey eyes up to Stephen’s for just a moment.

“Yeah there’s something wrong. Can we go somewhere else? Bruce isn’t here and won’t be back for a while and it’s kinda an emergency...” Bucky said and looked nervous and anxious.

Stephen's doctor brain clicked on. Nervous and anxious traumatized omega who isn’t in heat. Easy peasy.

“Yeah do you wanna go to your floor or my office or somewhere else?” Stephen said in a very soft and gentle tone.

Bucky started walking to the elevator and stopped in front of it.

“Need somewhere... um. It’s gonna be messy.” Bucky said and turned red and kept his eyes on the floor. Stephen followed the other man and kept a soft gentle tone.

“Tony made me a small exam room... would that be okay? I have supplies and a sink and a big wash basin. If you want we can get something for comfort.” Stephen asked and Bucky nodded. The doctor noticed the other man was favoring his stomach and walking weakly.

“y-yeah um can I- Can I have my hoodie?” Bucky said in a tight tone. Stephen stepped into the elevator and was followed by the other.

“Of course. Bucky, everything’s gonna be alright. Bruce shares all the medical files with me. I’ll look over those quickly and then we can ya know... talk.” Stephen walked toward his exams room. It was really just an extra large bathroom.

Bucky sat down on the rather comfortable blue exam table.

There was a large cabinet, a sink next to a computer, a large basin, and a few cupboards with glass doors allowing Bucky to see different tools and medicines.

Stephen stood next to Bucky for a moment.

“Okay are you more comfortable? Wanna tell me what’s wrong?” Stephen said and Bucky wiggled a bit like he was uncomfortable sitting.

“I I I.... I’m an omega.” Bucky said and looked up at Stephen with a fearful look. Stephen nodded and motioned for Bucky to go on.

“Um I think... I think my s-s-slick g-gl-glands are uh...” Bucky stuttered and struggled to get that much out. He was so embarrassed.

“It’s okay Bucky. Remember I worked in the ER and with trauma cases. I’ve worked with all sorts of problems. It’ll be okay. Try your best.” Stephen sat down on his stool and rolled over to look up at Bucky.

“I think I have impacted slick glands and it hurts really bad and I’m really embarrassed and I’m sorry” Bucky said almost too quickly for Stephen to understand. He’s dealt with many cases of impacted slick glands. Easy fix. Messy but easy.

“Is that it? Impacted slick glands? Is anything else bothering you?” Stephen put his hand on Bucky’s forearm. Bucky shook his head and stayed quiet.

“That’s alright! I’ll set up a tub to the drain and you won’t have to worry about a mess or anything. Do you understand I’m gonna need to touch you down there and stimulate you internally?” Stephen said as he typed on his computer.

“You will? Um, will you tell me what's gonna happen? I don’t- I don’t like doctors.” Bucky said and started fidgeting again.

“Absolutely! So basically, I’m going to palpate or press and feel your stomach and hips and around your groin and genitals. Then if I find your slick glands are impacted I’ll insert a small instrument and that should massage your glands until they become small and softened again. I’ll show you everything before I use it. If you ever need me to stop or wait or talk to you again just say so. Did that help?” Stephen explained and looked at Bucky who slowly relaxed the long Stephen spoke.

“Yes that did- it did help. Will you keep talking to me while you do it though? Tell me what’s happening and what you Um find and stuff?” Bucky looked a bit more relaxed and was looking at Stephen in the eyes.

“I’ll keep talking. It’s pretty common for people to want to speak to their doctor while they get these kinds of procedures done. It’s easy to keep your mind off it I guess. Right now I’m just putting in what I’m going to do and then I’m going to get everything I need.” Stephen typed on his computer and then stood up.

“Can you undress your lower half? Socks are okay but pants and under clothes need to go alright?” Stephen said as he pulled what looked like a big chair cushion. As Bucky stood and slipped his sweatpants, sneakers, and his briefs off Stephen spoke.

“Here you can lean against this. It’ll help. Gravity and all you know. Good yes. Now just put your ankles and feet in these little cup like things.” Stephen pointed to the corners of the table.

Stirrups weren’t used in impacted slick gland cases. Most problems with male omegas were dealt with while in a somewhat squatting position.

Bucky was sat on the table with his knees close to his chest. But he wasn’t uncomfortable.

“Now I’m going to get like a catch all kinda tub thing. It’s really just a big funnel. It clips to the bed and this tube runs to the drain so that all your slick or whatever runs right to the drain.” Stephen got the funnel and clipped it to the bed right under where Bucky’s bottom was placed. Stephen walked over and clipped the end to the drain. He walked over to wash his hands then stood back and looked at Bucky.

“Okay Buck, I’m gonna palpate your stomach and crotch area so if you will please lift your hoodie for a moment. You don’t need to take it off, just lift it a bit.” Stephen motioned at Bucky’s tummy.

Bucky felt a bit exposed since his everything was on display. His little cock and balls felt cold in the air and his hole felt open. He felt so exposed.

Stephen could already see a bit of a bulge on Bucky’s stomach. It could be pudge or it could be enlarged glands or something else entirely.

“I’m sorry if my hands are a bit cold. Turned the heat up but I’ve been having problems with it. This may be a bit uncomfortable but tell me if it hurts.” Stephen said as he rubbed his hands together trying to warm them. Bucky nodded and held still.

Stephen pressed and rub around Bucky’s stomach feeling indeed two softball sized hard masses. Bucky wiggled a bit when Stephen placed his hands on Bucky’s perineum and pressed lightly. It hurt.

“Th-that hurts.” Bucky whimpered and Stephen automatically pulled his hands back. He knew that this was a regular case of impacted slick glands.

“Sorry but you did really well. Your slick glands are impacted. Severely impacted. Which just means it’s going to take a little bit more to relax them. We have a few options though.” Stephen stepped back and washed his hands again.

“Um oh okay what what do I need to do?” Bucky said as he pulled his hoodie back down.

Stephen looked at his computer for a moment.

“Well you could take some high strength relaxers which would make you very drowsy. You could lay with a heating pad and let me massage around your glands both externally and internally. Or you could insert an expanding phallus but I think that would be extreme and incredibly painful. But it’s always your choice. So what do you think Mr.Barnes?” Stephen looked back at the omega. His hole wasn’t leaking but it looked red and there were two rounds on both sides of it because of the slick glands.

“Not not anything to make me tired and I don’t want to. I don’t wanna hurt anymore please” Bucky said and looked like he was about to tear up.

Stephen quickly walked up and spoke softly and calmly.

“It’s okay, it’s okay Bucky, it’ll be alright. We’re just going to take our time and work you through this. It’ll be alright. Just lay back a bit. Yeah perfect. You’re going to be perfectly alright soon enough. Okay. It’s okay.” Stephen said and rubbed Bucky’s shoulder lightly. Bucky scooted back until he was a bit more horizontal but still sat up a bit.

“S-s-sorry I'm just nervous and scared and I don’t like doctors and I’m cold and and it hurts and it’s hurt for a while and I want it to stop and I’m sorry I’m sorry” Bucky said and tears started falling. Stephen cooed lightly.

“Okay I’m going to get a tissue and a heating pad and a blanket. You don’t need to be sorry. I know how emotional people can get when anything goes wonky with slick or scent glands. All those silly hormones ya know. You’re alright. I understand.” Stephen stepped away and quickly grabbed a heating pad and a thick blue blanket and a box of lavender scented tissues.

Bucky was crying but his breathing was pretty even as Stephen placed the heating pad on Bucky’s stomach. The pad covered from his sternum to the tops of his thighs. It even covered his cock and balls, the comforting weight was actually pretty nice. Stephen then unfolded and placed the blanket on Bucky’s shoulders and bunched it around his hips.

Soon there was a tissue box placed in Bucky’s hands.

“There we go. Nice and warm yeah? This should help your muscles relax and keep you warm.” Stephen plugged the pad in and it automatically started to heat until it was snuggly warm.

“Much better. It feels really nice actually. Um uh can I um can I ask something?” Bucky said and he looked very relaxed. Stephen moved to sit between Bucky’s legs and mumbled “of course”.

“I feel like... I feel like I’m holding it um like in. Are you sure I won’t make a mess?” Bucky looked so embarrassed but Stephen nodded. “Bucky that’s the point of the catch. Don’t hold it in. Don’t force it though! That could hurt you but just let it flow. You’re not going to make a mess.” Stephen reassured. Bucky nodded and suddenly a few beads of slick appeared on the tight furl of Bucky’s hole.

“Good job! I haven’t even started and you’re already doing so well!” Stephen said. Reassurance and praise usually put omegas into a calmer and happier state. Stephen then started to rub gently around Bucky’s hole with his thumbs. Bucky made a small whimpering noise and then let out a long keen. There were a few more drops of slick but that was it.

“Bucky can I use a different instrument? It’ll be strictly only on the outside.” Stephen asked. He thought maybe a vibrator would be more gentle than his hands and would help a bit more.

“Ye-yeah that’s alright” Bucky said in a small voice.

Stephen then fetched a moderately large turquoise vibrator with several settings. Bucky’s eyes opened wide at the object. Stephen noticed and explained.

“It’s only for the outside. When we get you relaxed enough I’ll use a much much smaller one on the inside. I’m gonna run this one around your hole and around your crotch. Don’t worry if it feels too good it’ll be alright.” Stephen said with a wink.

The doctor then set the vibe to the lowest setting and gently held it right up to Bucky’s hole. Bucky let out a loud Yelp and then a long high keen. Immediately a big gush of slick came out and Bucky relaxed back. The flood gates opened and soon Stephen had the vibe turned up to the third of six settings. Bucky was practically purring. So much slick was rushing out and the bulges in his stomach already looked much smaller. Every once in a while Stephen asks “Are you alright” or “do you need a break?” Or says “I’m going to turn it up”

Bucky only replied with nods or shaking his head. Stephen knew why too. He’d seen it a lot when he worked in reconstruction surgery. A lot of omegas with trauma will try to be as quiet as possible. It’s okay. He knows Bucky’s in therapy and it’s not his place to mention it now.

Eventually the glands had shrunken down to where the external stimulation wasn’t enough.

“Bucky you’re doing so well. Do you need anything? You’re shivering. Do you need another blanket?” Stephen asked as he placed the vibrator in a sanitizer. Bucky whimpered and said in a deep rumbling voice.

“C-can’t I have my heating pad up more? Can I move it? May I please move it?” Bucky asked with politeness that was heartwarming. Stephen grabbed a very thin, very flexible and soft omega training dildo. It would usually be used for an omega with knotting problems but it would work well here.

“Of course you can move it. You can have another if you want.” Stephen said as he washed the dildo in the sink. It was sterile but it was cold and the water would warm it.

“May I please have another warmy- ANOther heating pad. Please.” Bucky corrected himself loudly. Stephen grabbed another heating pad and handed it to Bucky to settle it where he wanted and plugged it in. Bucky shoved it under his hoodie up onto his chest and neck.

‘Cuddle position. Such a mated omega. How cute!’ Stephen thought. It’s common for omegas who are tired or even just having this procedure done to do this.

“Okay now this ones going inside. Do you need me to talk to you or can you stay awake?” Stephen asked the drowsy looking omega. He was probably exhausted from holding this quantity of slick in for so long.

“I think ‘m gunna fall ‘sleep” Bucky mumbled through a yawn. Stephen sat back down between his legs and rubbed the toy against the overly slick hole.

“Okay well how about I get to know you better! Are you mated?” Stephen asked as he easily slipped the toy inside. The simple motion unleashed a huge rush of slick that seemed never ending.

“Yeah... since the forties...” Bucky said and smiled. Stephen takes a moment to realize. Steve! Captain Rogers!

“Oh that’s a long time. Do you still have a mark?” Stephen was curious now. He held the toy still inside Bucky who looked very calm and happy. He probably smells nice but Stephen wouldn’t know. Beta nose and all.

“Um well we’ve kinda rebonded a few times... I have a little mark on my mid back still. That was my first bond bite. But I have a bigger darker one on my actual neck now.” Bucky looked happy talking about his mate. Stephen turned the toy a bit and Bucky didn’t even twitch.

“Oh why your mid back? That’s quite low for a bite!” Stephen said. Bucky chuckled.

“It was from the first time I let Stevie bond with me. When he was still ninety pounds soaking wet. He was too short to reach my neck... then we’ll ya know. He got big.” Bucky chuckled and smiled. Each chuckle pushed out new floods of slick.

“Oh that’s so cute! And ding ding ding we are almost done! I’m going to have to do a bit of a feel around but it will be very short. Ready?” Stephen said as he slid the small toy out and popped it in the sterilizer and put the vibrator in the cupboard.

“Yeah I feel sooooo much better. I’m so tired though.” Bucky said. He sounded exhausted.

Stephen washed his hands again and Inserted two fingers and pushed on the now squishy softness of Bucky’s glands. Bucky keened squeakily.

“Okay now just lay still. I’m going to wipe you clean and then you can go.” Stephen unplugged the heating pads and took the blanket and set them on the floor. He wiped the excess slick away and handed Bucky his pants and underwear.

“I dunno if I can make it to my room... can you um... can can...” Bucky stuttered out. He was struggling. This prompted Stephen to ask.

“Hey do you want me to call Steve to come get you?” Bucky quickly nodded and smiled at the magic man.

Bucky sat up on the exam table and looked absolutely exhausted. Stephen quickly sent Steve a message.

“Thank you, Stephen. I really appreciate you not like brushing me off or being rough with me... it really means something to me.” Bucky said in a serious tone. It almost hurt Stephen to hear but. It was Bucky. Everyone was cruel to this poor little omega. Poor baby.

“It’s alright Buck, if you ever need anything you can always come to me. You’re very welcome.” Stephen said and placed his hand on Bucky’s. Steve walked through the door and automatically swooped over to hold Bucky like a bride.

“Thanks Doc, he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong but I’m happy he feels better. Thank you.” Steve said in a gentle manner.

“No problem Cap.” Stephen said as Bucky almost dozed off.

As the two made their way out Bucky wiggle until Steve put him down. Bucky came over to where Stephen was sanitizing the heating pads and poked him until he looked at the ex assassin.

Bucky gave him a big hug and then walked back to his mate. Steve was smiling so sweetly at the omega.

‘What a perfect little couple. ' Stephen said. That reminds him he hasn’t seen Tony today...

[melodiousvoid]

Ok, so bit of a long-winded flip-out coming under the cut. Trigger warnings for a lot of things: medical settings, child illness, child near-death experience (kinda), nausea, surgery mention, malpractice mention (no detail), gaslighting (kinda?) and general health issues. We also discuss our traumagenic system origins and a few relevant triggers. We accept the risk of this, and fyi, are difficult to trigger in a way that’s actually a problem for us. There’s a TLDR at the end if you want the short version.

For context, my name’s Zadie, and I’m the eldest (chronologically) of our alters. I was both protector and host of this body between the ages of roughly 4 and 13. At this point, we’re fairly sure that our system initially split from medical trauma, as most of our historical triggers and compensatory reactions have to do with medical things. I front somewhat randomly now, often for several weeks at a time, and have had time to process a good deal of my trauma.

As host and protector, I had one primary characteristic: stoicism. My job, from the beginning, has been to endure. Whatever happens, get through it. I didn’t question it. It felt like a sacred duty, and I treated it like one. As a kid, I had chronic pneumonia, bad stomach issues, and what I now recognize as migraine symptoms (which sometimes, in children, can present more as chronic GI problems than severe headaches). Despite all this, we were a very active and fiercely independent child. The most serious issue we ever faced was an Appendicitis, which I’ll get into later.

Flash forward to today, what we deal with on the daily is constant vestibular migraine symptoms. That started at 19 for idiotic medical malpractice reasons. Prior to this starting, we loved coffee, and drank it regularly. Then vestibular migraines became permanent, and now we can’t drink coffee without being very nauseous. Now today I decided fuck it, fuck me up my beloved bean juice, I’m at a concert and it’s a treat.

Concert ends, coffee is of course fucking me up, and I’m feeling very nauseous while walking up the hill to my car. Without thinking about it, I felt like I made direct eye contact with the physical feeling of nausea in my body, and said “the fuck are you on about?! Coffee never made us sick before, so you can’t be making us sick now! You make no fucking sense, so you don’t exist. Get the fuck out of my gut you loser.”

And the feeling of nausea decreased, like, 60%. I almost stopped walking it surprised me so much. It wasn’t permanent, I had to do it a few more times on the way home, but it stayed effective.

Then, I remembered something that happened at 7-8 years old.

We needed an appendectomy, but didn’t know it. I’d felt sick for two weeks, but it wasn’t normal stomach sick, and the stomach pain didn’t get really severe until the very end. That said, it still hurt a lot. It didn’t make any sense to me, so I just told myself “what is pain? It’s just a sensation, right? How’s it supposed to hurt you? I don’t understand why this sensation translates to ‘ouch, make it stop’ in my head, so I guess I can choose not to translate it that way.” So I couldn’t stop feeling the sensation, but I chose to interpret it as not-pain, not-bad, and not-a-problem. And I went back to running around and climbing trees. Reminder that I was literally 7, had my 8th birthday in the hospital because of this.

Now eventually it got bad enough that this wasn’t ignorable anymore, I got the appropriate medical care, and fully recovered without issue. But this method worked for way longer than it should have.

Apparently I can gaslight myself out of medical symptoms (or at least the sensations of them) by dubiously fact-checking them.

Searing stomach pain? “Pain doesn’t exist. It’s just a concept.” Oh yeah! Pain canceled.

Anxious before a dentist’s appointment? “Why? Physical pain has never scared you.” Oh yeah! Anxiety canceled.

Coffee nausea? “Why? You didn’t do this ten years ago, why are you doing it now?” Oh, sorry. Nausea canceled.

Thing is, we know this kind of logic shouldn’t hold up. Not knowing why something happens doesn’t mean it can’t happen. I think it’s a confidence thing, like scaring off a black bear: you gotta make it think you’re the boss, you’re the bigger animal, and you mean business.

And this absolutely doesn’t work if someone else tells us “you’re fine,” in a medical setting or anywhere else. In fact that’s one of my biggest front triggers, someone invalidating another person’s pain, or our own pain, because it makes me furious. I know I’m full of shit, but I’m full of helpful shit. They’re just full of horseshit.

The only person who gets to gaslight me is me, and that’s final!

This doesn’t have much of a conclusion, I just wanted to share a strange experience. I think being (as far as I know) both our first host and first protector, simultaneously, has made my existence a bit weird.

TLDR: For the vast majority of negative physical sensations, I can respond “the fuck are you on about? Idiot. Unfollowed, reported, blocked.” And at least in my perception, the sensation will decrease. Wild.

[excedrinpm]

Every time I learn more abt illnesses / sicknesses it’s like I gain forbidden knowledge.

Like I work with animals so it’s good to know about them but also my OCD now convinces me I am actively dying every single time I don’t feel 100% normal.

Space out a little bit? Dying. Head hurties a little bit? Dying. Back hurts? Dying. Tummy hurts? Dying. Got a little cut/bruise? Dying. Heart beating? Dying

The issue is I have chronic joint problems & fatigue so like… over the past year I’ve just convinced myself that I’m dying all the time. It was really bad in February - I wound up going to urgent care multiple times about it and I thought it was getting better, but I’ve realized it’s just because my boyfriend is there. I live by myself and I FREAK OUT if I feel just a little bit off because I convince myself that I’m fucking dying or I’m going to have to go to the hospital, but when another person is there I can relax bc if something does happen they’ll be able to help.

But when I’m alone? It’s still really really bad. And I feel awful knowing that I’m relying on him like that. I’m afraid to tell him because I don’t want to guilt trip him into coming over all the time but I think he knows because every time he spends the night at his own place I keep texting him about how I can’t sleep I’m anxious I’m panicking I’m freaking out etc. it’s especially bad bc he travels for work and I feel so so awful that he has to worry about me while he’s away.

I just want to be “normal” again. I want to be able to go home and enjoy my evening and not fucking panic all the time. I want to be able to have a headache or joint pain and not think I’m dying. It makes everything so so hard it’s part of why I sleep so much because my only thing every time is just “try to go to bed and sleep it off so I don’t have a full blown panic attack”. I don’t know what to do anymore, I had an anxiety medication prescribed to me but it made me even MORE anxious and I was having sleep paralysis every night. I want to be able to go one week without having a panic attack or sleep paralysis, and all the doctors say is “you’re too stressed” fucking actually help me please I don’t know how to not be this stressed. I have a fucking anxiety disorder telling me to calm down, charging me $300, and sending me home does nothing but make me feel even worse.

I just had got a handle of my OCD and it fucking changed. I feel like my brain is systematically figuring out ways to make my life unbearable and any doctor I go to is just pointing and laughing. I feel so hopeless sometimes. I feel like panic is just going to be a daily part of my life forever.

Please please please god make it fucking stop

[arabellaflynn]

Good news: I have been very kindly sent things like shampoo and vitamins and about four pounds of oatmeal by some people here. Yay! Thank you! I now have a slightly greater volume of rat food than I have of actual rats, and they have some high-quality Amazon boxes to destroy. They will have a happy Ratmas no matter what. They are all slightly grompy that it has gotten cold outside, and I am not willing to jam their dinner bowls all the way into their cozy nests where I will never get them out again, but they will get over it when they realize they are getting warm grains and peas tonight.

Bad news: Les Fromages need more medication, probably chronically; I have no idea how I am going to pay rent at the end of the month; Boston has developed a certain climatic lability lately that has bounced me straight into a migraine with every sudden bout of precipitation. Boo. I wanted some pretty snow for Christmas, but I didn't want it delivered so quickly it did my head in. 

The only other notable goings-on is that the SOJD is giving a workshop somewhere outside of my home studio. I can't use my credit there, and I'm seriously debating spending $20 of grocery money on it. If you've never been in a spot where being less unhappy for a little while is more important than eating, I envy you. I feel like I should feel bad about even thinking that, but I am so far in the hole that $20 will not get me in any more or less trouble than I was in before. It's just the difference between ramen and things other than ramen. Which is reason enough by itself to want a couple hours of escapism.

This is going to be long and rambly. Brace yourselves.

That whole thing still makes me death-spiral. I have not written much about it here -- or, rather, I have not posted much about it here, because every time I write anything it turns into detailed multi-page recounting of Things That Happened, as if I need to justify everything I think. I delete it for being pointless. One, none of you are going to get an objective recounting of anything, because I am blogging here and he is not. Two, I don't need to justify my thoughts and feelings; that's a desperate, anxious habit held over from childhood, where nobody seemed to understand why I did anything, nor did they appear to care. I don't think I'm going to get anybody to agree with me if I've drawn the wrong conclusions, I'm just trying not to get yelled at for doing any of it on purpose if I haven't. And three, if I've gotten anything wrong, all of my "reasoning" is just going to be an embarrassing reminder that I don't really need on the internet, where Google and the Wayback Machine remember everything forever.

The specific thing that sets me off here is the combination of really wanting to feel like I click with someone, and feeling like I am, in a situation where we couldn't easily avoid each other if it turns out they don't feel the same. If neither of us care? Great. If I like someone fine but don't care if we're close? Totally good. If I try being friends but they shoot me down right away? A little awkward maybe, but I don't freak out. 

But if I meet someone and think I'm making good progress in understanding them -- and that they're pleased with that, because they want to understand me -- right up until I find out I'm not? And that really they'd prefer it if I could just be cordial from over there thanks? That is awful. Having to put my public face back on around someone who made me feel like, just for a little while, I could take it off is painful. I understand that nobody likes rejection, but that circumstance is triggering. Not in the watered-down tumblr sense of 'oh that made me feel uncomfy and that's bad', in the actual PTSD sense of booting me back into intrusive thoughts of the entire childhood I spent like that, to which my caregivers' response was basically, "Yeah, it's too bad you'll never be able to relate to other humans, but that sounds like a you problem and I need you to shut up about it now." The pain is so intense it becomes physical, and it fucks up my ability to function. I don't eat or sleep, and say goodbye to concentrating well enough to do more than one very simple thing at a time, if that. At that point, my only options are 1. curl up and sob hysterically, 2. laser focus on literally anything other than sobbing hysterically, and do a shitty job of covering it up, or 3. drug myself into a stupor so I can stop sobbing hysterically long enough to get some sleep.

This is less than ideal. Most of the time it means that I choose not to reach out to people under those circumstances. I also don't tell anybody about it, because all that ever got me was lectures about confidence. Everyone seems to be under the impression that I think I'm guaranteed to fail at all my friend-making endeavors. Obviously I don't, because I do have friends. I'm also never guaranteed success, and in light of that, I have to assess whether I have enough resilience to soak the damage it'll do if I swing and miss. I operate on very thin margins most of the time, often above capacity, and I still don't quite survive on my own. I literally cannot afford to have a breakdown. I do need a support system, but rarely do I need that specific person in my life so much it's worth the risk. I'm sorry if that sounds mercenary, but I've managed to spend an entire pandemic not presenting myself to the ER for emergency Xanax, and I would like to continue that streak.

Have I tried therapy? Yes. Does it help? No. The only thing anybody will ever offer me is cognitive behavioral therapy, which makes this particular thing worse. The idea behind CBT is that your thoughts drive your behaviors, which produce results that dictate your emotions. Think better, do better, feel better. I'm not knocking CBT; it was really helpful in my early 20s, when I was trying to disentangle and unlearn a bunch of terrible dysfunctional crap I had lodged in my brain from my terrible dysfunctional family. It's really good for when you're dealing with people who have a lot of counterfactual ideas that persist even after multiple blunt-force blows from reality. The semi-Socratic argument technique is great for reminding yourself that people who insist Result A will happen even though historically Result B has always occurred are wrong and can be ignored.

It fails hard for the kind of trauma I'm dealing with. I've seen it said that anxiety disorders make you fear things that might happen, while trauma makes you fear repeating things that did. And the thing that I'm afraid of here -- that I am making someone else uncomfortable, and I don't know because they're doing everything in their power to avoid letting me guess -- happened to me constantly until I was a young adult. It was a product of being raised by wolves. My mother had some bizarre ideas about how people worked, and one of the big ones is that you are obligated to pretend everything is dandy to people's faces even if you spend all of your time bitching about them behind their back. She demonstrated this regularly, by  agreeing to sleepovers and carpools and being nice as pie to everyone whilst they were with us, then unleashing vociferous complaints about people who couldn't be bothered to feed/watch/transport their own kids as soon as they were gone. And she told me this explicitly, opining that "people don't really care" whenever the subject came up, and once telling me, after I'd been invited to housesit with one of my friends for a week, to not "overstay [your] welcome". 

This was genuinely her worldview. She thought she was preparing me for life. I spent a lot of time paranoid that I was missing fuck-off signals from people who weren't sending them, but because I also knew I was never supposed to let on that anything was wrong, I would walk a narrow tightrope of 'everything is fine' while constantly afraid that this was the moment I was supposed to make a polite and graceful exit, and I was missing it, making the other person increasingly frustrated and angry in the process. In this paradigm, there is no way to avoid my presence actively making things worse. The only way to minimize damage is to ask nothing of other people -- have no needs, seek no validation or support, and always give them an out if they don't want to waste more time with you. 

My mother is batshit insane, but she is unfortunately not unique. I was trained in playing this game, so I ended up tangling with a lot of people just like her. I knew I was supposed to pretend that none of this was happening, which coincidentally kind of works on normal people who don't know this stupid game exists, but was extremely stressful; and inevitably the people who did work this way would get mad at me for not telepathically knowing the moment I was supposed to go away and snap, and would do a lot of damage on their way out. 

CBT doesn't work on this. The idea is that you can refute negative thoughts and self-concepts through rational argument, proving with evidence that the bad thing is not true. I have plenty of historical evidence that the bad thing here is sometimes true, and that I can sometimes avoid the consequences if I can just be alert enough to catch the signs. That's enough reasonable doubt to make the process useless. 

In a more generalized sense, CBT doesn't work at all if the root problem is not negative thoughts, which here it is not -- it is a knee-jerk panic response based on many years of things that start out looking just like this hurting me a lot when they play out. I don't start imagining bad consequences for no reason; I recognize that good things and bad things start out looking exactly the goddamn same, and the human brain is way, way more persistent at flagging things that might damage you than things that could potentially turn out kind of okay. It's more primitive than logic. You'll probably survive if you avoid gathering that one patch of berries. There are other berries out there. You won't survive being eaten by the saber-toothed tiger that hangs out at that berry patch.

So why did I risk it with the SOJD? I kind of didn't. He was very persistent about talking to me at first. I just figured he was an extravert who had gone slightly mad over lockdown, and being the receptionist, I was a captive audience. He came in while I was away from the desk a few times, and actually called my name from his studio when he spotted me coming back down the hall. Clearly he wanted to be on friendly terms with someone he saw on a regular basis, and there was no reason not to go along with it. 

I also have an excellent view of our front stairs from the desk, and I spent a lot of time watching him walk in looking very stressed and settle his public 'I'm fine' face on before coming up. I know how much this sucks, and he was being very nice, so I started doing something that I do a lot, which was directly acknowledging his unspoken state of mind. Being hypervigilant, I'm often better at spotting things people are trying to cover up than I am at noticing they are trying to hide something in the first place. Other people either don't see it or feel intense pressure to pretend they don't, and it becomes an Emperor's New Clothes sort of thing. It sucks a lot to feel like your distress is invisible to everyone else. There's very little risk to me, as I'm not asking for anything or telling them anything about myself, but it can have a big impact if I just say the quiet thing out loud and then go along with whatever they seem to want to do about it. Nobody ever really notices that it's all about them and never about me. I'm very good at misdirection.

In this case, both the SOJD and my very normal coworker were surprised at my comments, but while my very normal coworker was surprised and confused, the SOJD was surprised and dismayed, which told me that he was accustomed to his camouflage working. He generally admitted when I was right, which was most of the time, and definitely didn't stop talking to me, so I just sort of... kept doing what I was doing. It did seem to be having the effect I wanted, which was to make him worry less about keeping up appearances around me.

Where it started to feel dangerous was when I realized I was reading his mood not based on what I knew of other people, but on what I knew of me. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that people still do not really get how I work, no matter how much explanation I give them. They accept that I do what I do, but they have no instinctual grasp how or why it happens, and any suggestion that they do gets met with, "Er, I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding..." Whenever I feel like I'm finding that kind of mutual comprehension, it is time to stop and figure out at what point I have wandered off into hopeful projection, and smack myself until I see reality again. 

My accepted role in life is to speak the things that go unspoken, so it fucked with my head when I was not the first one to point this out.

A lot of what goes visibly wrong with his day is a chronic pain problem about as bad as mine. He covers well for the most part, but it's obvious if you know what you're looking for. I do, because I see it in the mirror all the time. I acknowledge it whenever I spot it, because he likes to ignore it, and being in pain with no support is a very lonely place to be. He tried to tell me once that it wasn't that bad, he was totally okay! How could he not be okay? He had plans to go out that night!

I crossed my arms, looked him dead in the eye, and translated: "You're not okay, and you're going to go anyway."

He deflated a little bit, the mask slipping, and very softly said, "Yeah." Pause. "We're the same."

I'm not used to any of this being acceptable. I'm used to be destabilizing. I try to be destabilizing in a good way, getting people to question why they're so mean to themselves, or why they think they're incapable, but I'm also aware that people have a limited tolerance for this, and I am always on pins and needles watching for signs that I've gone too far. I never start unless I have an exit strategy to use if the reaction is bad. I don't have a plan for when someone else thinks this is a fun and meaningful game and volleys back.

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[havin-a-wee]

Doctor's Orders

pairing: gynecologist!harry x reader/doctor!harry x reader

word count: 2.3k+

warnings: smut, fingering

this is so long overdue i apologize but this is a request! i kinda love this piece so i hope you guys do too!

PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU ENJOY

You sucked in a harsh breath as you heard your name being called from the front desk, the smiley old lady gesturing for you to follow her. You timidly walked behind her, your feet shuffling on the obnoxiously patterned carpet that lined the hallways.

You aren’t one to fear doctor’s appointments, in fact, you have never been apprehensive about going to one until right now. This appointment was something you’ve been avoiding for a while since you had moved to London, but there came a point where you couldn’t put it off for any longer. Back in the states, you were comfortable with your gynecologist, and you had no issue talking to her about problems you were having regarding your genitalia. But now that you were in a new city, you didn’t have the comfort that came with visiting a long-term doctor and faced new ones for the first time since you were a child. The rest of the doctor’s visits were pretty standard, but your private parts were something you struggled with understanding, Sure, you have seen porn and had sex, but it was never a fulfilling experience. In fact, you have never reached an orgasm. About a year ago you gave up on looking for men to help you and made it a mission to bring yourself to a climax. But alas, none of your efforts seemed to work. At this point, you were convinced that something was wrong with you, hence the gynecologist visit. Male gynecologist, that is.

Over the past month, you have spent a lot of time researching gynecologists in your area. The first one that came up was the one you are at now, but considering his gender you continued your hunt. But it kept leading you back to this one doctor, Dr. Styles, and that was why you are currently sitting in an exam room in his office.

You reassured yourself by looking up his name on your smartphone, scrolling through the 5-star reviews. The number of people who seemed to absolutely love this guy helped settle your nerves, so you read through them as you waited for a knock on the door.

That knock finally arrived a few minutes later, and you picked your head up and looked at the wooden door. “Come in!”

A head popped inside from behind the door as it was pushed open, and the doctor’s eyes found yours while he made his way into the small room. He’s tall, with a mop of chocolate brown curls on his head and bright green eyes accompanied by a friendly smile. He sat down, eyes never leaving yours until he placed his computer down and the screen lit up.

“‘Ello Darlin, m’Dr. Styles, but y’can call me Harry if you’d like.” He stuck out a hand, and your palm swiftly met his, the two of you looking at one another as you shook hands. His hands were enormous, and the rings placed on his fingers were cold to the touch. “Considering you’re a new patient, I took a peek at y’records and such, and I saw that y’ve always had a female gyno.”

You nodded your head slowly, opening your mouth to respond but getting cut off by Dr. Styles. “So I just wanted t’let y’know tha’ theres nothing t’be ashamed off, and I know what I’m doin’ so I promise you’re in expert hands.”

“Yeah, I was nervous, but I couldn’t ignore the amazing reviews people have given you, so I made an appointment.” You appreciated his reassurance a lot, and it really helped in the easing of your jitters. He turned back to his computer after nodding in response to you, clicking on a few keys before diverting his attention back to you.

“So what seems t’be the problem today Y/N?” An initial wave of shock hit you when he said your name, but it quickly dissolved when you remembered that he literally has access to all your medical information, so of course, he knows your name.

“This is a bit of an odd thing to come in for on my first appointment with you, but I think my vagina doesn’t work.” You let out a breathy chuckle at your own words. Dr. Styles seemed unphased by your forwardness, and you assumed he had heard a lot more abrasive things than that. “I’m a 22-year-old woman, but I’ve never had an orgasm. For the past year I’ve been focusing on doing it without a partner, but no matter how much time I spent or how many fancy toys I buy, I just end up feeling unsatisfied and disappointed.” He nodded along as you explained your issue, placing his chin in his hand while his elbow was placed on the desk.

“Have y’had any STD tests recently?”

“Yes, I had one last week, I’m clean and I’ve never had one in the past.”

“Is there any possibility tha’ you’re pregnant?”

“No, I haven’t slept with anyone in over a year.” You knew what questions he would ask, so to avoid wasting time you were giving him all the information he would need.

“When y’are sleeping with someone, do y’feel any sort of pleasure?”

“Yeah, but it’s just never enough, I guess.” His lips curled into an expression of concentration, and he pressed his tongue against the inside of his cheek. The room was silent for all of around 30 seconds, but soon enough Dr. Styles spoke up.

“Based on yeh’ history and what y’telling me, it seems that y’just haven’t found the right bloke.” Your eyebrows lifted in surprise at his simple answer. It couldn’t be that simple, could it? “M’guessing y’can’t get y’self off cause’ y’tense and not fully relaxed. And the guys y’ve been with ave’all been doin’ a rubbish job.” He chuckled along with you, and you couldn’t help but agree with him. There was no one you could think of that had actually made you feel good the entire time and had actually focused on your pleasure and theirs. Most of the hookups you took part in were with frat boys who would stick their dick into anything with a hole. “But just in case, lemme’ check y’out just to make sure.”

He stood up from his chair and you swung your legs up on the cot, laying down on it. While you had waited for the doctor, you changed into the gown you were provided with, so there was only a thin piece of fabric between you and the curly-headed man that had taken a seat at the end of the seat.

It was now that you were faced with a dilemma that your anxious brain hadn’t even thought of prior to the appointment.

Dr. Styles was attractive. Like, really, really attractive.

Dr. Styles was attractive. Like, really, really attractive. And probably because of the nature of your discussion (and the fact that your body is severely desperate for sexual release), your core had been heating up since he first stepped into the room. So now, he would lift the skirt of the gown and see a pool of velvety wetness coating the inside of your thighs.

The back of the seat was propped up, allowing you to see him. This was a good thing for him because he could talk to you while he does his job, but it means you will have to look at him after he sees the mess you’ve made.

“May I?” His fingers gripped onto the edges of the gown, and you swallowed hoarsely before nodding your approval. While you know that he probably has witnessed much more embarrassing situations than the one you were in right now, it didn’t make the predicament any better. As you suspected, he kept a straight face when he lifted the flimsy material from your legs. Without taking a second glance, he turned to a bottle on his desk and pumped a dollop of lube onto his glove-clad fingertips. He used his other gloved hand to spread the lubricant, only turning back to you when his two fingers were both well coated in the substance. “Y’alright?” Once again, you nodded at his question. “Tell me with words darlin’, wanna make sure y’comfortable.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. What kind of exam are you doing exactly?” That question popped into your mind right before it rolled off your tongue because you noticed he had never specified exactly what he was looking for.

“M’just gonna use m’finger,” he held his lube-covered fingers, “and feel around, just t’make sure everythins’ fine.”

“Ok, sounds good.”

“M’gonna start now, s’gonna be cold at first.”

You hissed when his fingers met your sopping hole, and you had to resist the urge to kick your legs while he slowly pushed his fingers inside of you. The feeling was strange, but definitely not unwelcome. The contrast from his icy fingers to your warm center was sending a tingling sensation down your spine. You could feel his fingers push around inside of you, caressing your walls. And you know you shouldn’t. But his fingers were hitting all the right nerves, and you couldn’t help but find the experience immensely pleasurable.

Despite your best efforts, a small moan of satisfaction escaped your lips. Immediately, you went stiff, and you could feel the heat rushing to your cheeks. You just moaned while your doctor had his fingers inside you. For a moment you thought he would ignore the sexual noise that you had just made. But he suddenly looked up at you, his eyes previously locked on his fingers.

“Well, if y’moanin’ just from that, y’more sexually deprived than I thought.” He chuckled, and you cracked a small smile, but that was before his words actually hit you.

Was he, hitting on you?

Maybe not flirting, but that definitely wasn’t something that doctors say to their patients very often. His smirk was also giving you the idea that he had certain intentions.

“Everything seem good down’ere, so I think tha’ problem is with the guys y’gettin with, not you. What type of people do y’usually sleep with.”

“When I was sexually active, it was usually frat boys, so I guess I should’ve known I wasn’t the problem.” You let out a small laugh, Dr. Styles seems to have found it much more amusing, as his chuckle came from deep within his chest. A small movement came with the laugh, which also reminded you that his fingers were still very much inside of you.

“It seems y’need someone who knows his way around,” he cleared his throat, and you smiled as you realized what he was hinting at. “and y’my last paitent of the day, so m’more than happy t’help y’out.” He looked down at his feet shyly, and you found it adorable how he was nervous about what he was proposing. But you were on the verge of tears from how hard it was to hold back your physical response to his touches. Your body relaxed when the words came out of his mouth, and you let out the whine that had been building up in your throat.

“Yes-Harry, god yes.” It was the first time you were using his first name, but the smirk on his face showed his approval.

He quickly removed his fingers from your heat, and you whined again, this time in frustration. Losing contact left you feeling cold, but that feeling only lasted a fleeting moment, as soon as he was pushing his fingers into you again, this time bare.

“Y’already so wet love, what got y’this worked up hmm?”

“Y-you, Harry, I want you.” You tripped over your words, but they came out clear enough for him to understand because he began moving his fingers at the encouragement. His fingers began to pump in and out of you, and you knew he must have been right about not being with the right guys before, because the simple movements left you as putty in his hands. You barely got any pleasure from fingering in your other sexual encounters, but you were already a moaning mess underneath the man. He lifted his other hand, which had also had the glove on it removed, and placed the pad of his finger on your puffy clit. You mewled loudly and his smirk widened.

“Any o’those boys ever make y’feel this good darlin’?” You shook your head furiously, and he smiled, rubbing circles on your sensitive bundle of nerves. You were already seeing stars, and you could feel an unfamiliar knot forming in your stomach. “Y’so pretty, did y’know tha’?”

You couldn’t muster up enough strength to respond to his second question, but the loud moan that you let out was enough of an answer for him. His movements sped up, fingers pumping in and out of you and his other thumb pressing circles on your button.

“Harry-”

“Think y’close darlin’? Ready t’come fo’ the first time?”

“Yes, yes..” Your voice trailed off when a guttural moan rumbled through your throat. Although you haven’t had one before, you were sure that he was about to bring you to an orgasm. There was a tight feeling in your stomach and you knew it was just about to burst.

“Fuck-”

The knot burst and your orgasm rolled through your body, reaching every nerve inside of you. The feeling was euphoric, and your senses were heightened as your body experienced this new feeling.

“Thas’ it, good girl,” he cooed, slowing his movements and removing his fingers from your now overly sensitive clit. He worked you through your orgasm until fully removing his fingers from you, and you let out a sigh as he did so. “Definitely not somethin’ wrong with ya’, I can tell y’that.”

He smiled up at you and you returned the gesture, your smile only faltering when he turned away to write something down. You took the opportunity to get up and change, quickly dressing while his back was turned.

He turned in his chair to face you once again, handing you a small piece of paper. You took it from between his fingers to see a phone number scribbled on it in black ink.

“Is Doctor Styles giving me his number?” You said it in a cheeky way, smirking back at him.

“Yes, and he’s telling you to text him when you get home. Doctor’s orders.”

[neonacity]

LUCID | NCT DREAM ‘00 LINE X READER | CH.6

LUCID DREAMS - A TYPE OF DREAM WHEREIN THE PERSON IS AWARE THAT THEY ARE CAUGHT IN A DREAM WORLD.

Summary: It was supposed to be a harmless, professional transaction. You were to tutor a group of boys, get your pay at the end of the day, and go home to your loving fiance. Kids aren’t supposed to be dangerous, right? So why, then, are you caught up in a web of madness that slowly makes you feel like you’re in a living nightmare?

NOTE:This is a yandere plot featuring NCT Dream ‘00 line which means there will be mature themes in the story as well as obsessive, toxic behavior. If you’re a minor, please refrain from interacting. If this isn’t your thing, then just scroll and skip. In no way am I condoning anything written here— this is not love, this is obsession—nor do I think that any of the people mentioned here will act any way like in this story. This is purely a work of fiction.

Genre: yandere, horror, suspense

TW: abuse, obsessive behavior, toxic relationships, suggestive scenes, stalking, possible kidnapping, mental health. Age gap–though nothing dramatic. Everyone is of legal age, drugs, slight smut for this chapter but nothing graphic, questionable consent (?) I guess? Creepy, creepy, creepy! This will be updated as the story goes along.

CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 | CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 5

“EVERYONE HAS A DARKER NATURE. EVERYONE. GOOD MEN FEAR IT, AND EVIL MEN EMBRACE IT.” - JAMES ISLINGTON

The silent hum of the air conditioning filled the space like a foreboding chant. Nothing else but the sound of the hospital machinery and random noises outside pierced the stillness of the room as you stared, unseeing, at the green and orange numbers that blinked on the monitor above the bed. 

You barely have any recollection of how you managed to find yourself in the hospital, but you do remember brief memories of Taeyong picking you up from the floor you found yourself crumpled on after you got the call. You remember seeing Jaehyun's parents at a brightly lit corridor and his mother pulling you into a hug as she broke down and his father telling you how his son hasn't woken up since he was brought to the emergency room.

You remember your heart breaking in shock, mind too numb from the godforsaken pills you have been taking and your own injury. So many times you wondered to yourself if you were still caught in one of your nightmares, but every time you tried to break free from it, you're slapped back with the reality of how all of this is real.

Your fingers gently tightened on Jaehyun's hands now as your gaze landed on his face. He looked so peaceful, like he's just sleeping, that you almost wanted to bend over and try to kiss him awake. You don't even have any idea what time and day it is already, but you have barely left his side since you were brought to him. The nightmares and sleeplessness? They're barely a problem for you anymore because right now, you're entirely not resting at all unless your body forces you to crash from physical exhaustion. Even then, you usually only sleep for about two to three hours at best to make sure that you never miss a moment with your fiance.

"Severe traumatic head injury. He was lucky enough that the airbag shielded him from the worst of the impact."

The words of his attending doctor echoed in your head again like a faraway voice. You could only remember bits and pieces of what he said to his parents back then as he reported his findings, but you caught enough context for you to draw a picture of the situation. You remember Jaehyun's mother asking the chances of her son waking up again, her voice barely holding up from her emotions. 

"I cannot promise anything, Ma'm. I'd say he has a 60 percent chance. He's fighting."

And he is. You know Jaehyun inside out. He might be unconscious now, but there is no way he is giving up. Not from something like this. 

"Keep fighting baby…" you whispered in the stillness of the room as you lifted his hand gently to your lips to kiss. "I'll wait for you. We still have a wedding to do."

The slight creaking of the door barely made you look away from his sleeping face. You only did at the gentle sound of a throat clearing, your eyes slightly widening as you recognized the man who just walked inside the room. Taeil had the same mildly shocked look on him as he stopped on the  other side of the bed across from you. 

"You…"

"Are you a relative of the patient?" He asked now as he tucked his clipboard under his arm. You simply nodded, watching him quickly glance at the numbers on the monitor before his eyes settled on you again.

"I'm his fiancee."

That made him raise his brows slightly. He pulled a pen now from the pocket of his coat to quickly write something on his file. "What a coincidence. Not a good one obviously. I'm sorry to hear about him. Mr. Jung, right?"

You swallowed. You didn't want to acknowledge anything that he just said so you tried to divert the conversation instead.

"You're not his doctor. Why are you…"

"Oh. He was turned over to me today. I am one of the resident neurologists here but he had to be moved to me because his first doctor has too much in his plate already. Don't worry, I was briefed properly about his case."

Your gaze followed Taeil as he bent over to check Jaehyun's oxygen level as well as the other wires attached to him. You don't know what to feel about him taking over, but at least you already know him previously.

"Are there any changes? Positive ones?" You asked in a frail voice that Taeil definitely didn't miss. You told yourself to not act silly and ask questions that probably do not have answers yet, but you couldn't help yourself now. The man seemed to think over his words first, noticing your state, before calmly giving his reply.

"No particular ones, but the fact that there are no negative developments is… something. I will have to request for some tests to be done on him again tomorrow so we can see if there are positive changes in his brain."

Neutral. Not good, but at least it's not bad either.

"How are you? I was about to check on you again. Is your head okay?"

You were still thinking over his words that you barely caught his question. Looking up, you tried to scramble for an answer to give. To be honest, you haven't given proper attention to your own injury since this happened. You would even only remember to take your medications on your clearest, less anxious moments, which, honestly, isn’t a lot. 

"I'm uh… the wound has closed. But the headaches. They're still there."

He simply nodded. "Any other side effects?"

You didn't immediately answer. You didn't want to sound whiny, but it's not like you're going to lose anything by telling him the uglier parts of your recovery. You swallowed to try and dislodge the slight blockage in your throat.

"Nightmares…" you said now, voice soft. You briefly remembered the last one you had back in the manor before you woke up to the bad news and you felt your stomach turn again. "Lots of them. Hallucinations sometimes…"

The doctor watched you carefully and you know he is trying to compute things in his mind despite his face remaining calm.

"Have you been keeping to your schedule with your medications? Are you taking too much?"

You firmly shook your head no to his last question.

"No, I haven't been overdosing. But… I've been skipping my pills the last few days because of...because of this."

"How have you been feeling since you started missing your dosages then? Do you remember?"

That made you actually stop and think about it for a moment. Now that you are paying attention, you did notice how the nightmares have calmed down slightly. Even the hallucinations are almost gone. You frowned slightly to yourself.

"A bit… better actually."

Taeil took his time to observe you a bit more before writing something on a new page of his clipboard.

"You must have had severe reactions to the mixture of pills I gave you. I'm going to prescribe you new ones and ask the nurses to pick them up and bring them to you here. Can you promise that you'll try and take them though? You really need them to fully heal."

You nodded and gave him a slightly sheepish look.

"I will, thank you very much."

Taeil dug his hands into the pockets of his coat and gave you a gentle smile.

"Well, that's it for today. I'll come back tomorrow to give you updates about Mr. Jung." He had already turned and started walking away when he suddenly stopped to look at you again.

"Oh, and another thing. Please try and get some sleep. Recover… and then focus on helping your fiance."

******* You didn't really know what woke you up. Stirring from your sleep, the first thing that registered to you was the sound of distant traffic mixed with the gentle chirping of the morning birds from outside the window. A warm feeling radiated on your cheek and made the back of your eyelids glow red.

You flickered your eyes open and immediately rolled away to escape the ray of sunshine that slipped from the open curtains and shone directly at your face. You easily evaded it as you moved over to the other side of the bed which was empty and cold from the night before.

That was when you finally remembered that you were back in your home, in the same bedroom you share with Jaehyun. The day before, his mother offered to take the responsibility of watching over him so there was a sudden change of plans that finally gave you the reason to check back into your apartment after so long. If it were you, you would have preferred not leaving your boyfriend’s side until he wakes up, but you also knew that your future mother-in-law wanted to spend time with him so you relented. 

Of course you weren't thrilled to be home alone, especially with Jaehyun not being there, but the comfort that a real mattress provided—over the small couch you used to sleep in back at the hospital—is definitely a welcome change for your body. You even tried to take your medicine properly, the new ones that Taeil had provided, in the hopes of getting knocked down fast. Your adrenaline and anxiety had been fueling you in the past days, but you know from the way your heart thumped and your hands shook that you need a solid rest.

And you got it. You still feel a little groggy now but your body is definitely lighter and your head clearer. The nightmares didn't even come, and while they were replaced by total darkness or dreams in white that still made you anxious, you are willing to take those anytime over the graphic ones that you used to have.

You gently sat back against the headrest of the bed now and reached out for your phone to check the time. It's barely 7AM but as expected, Jaehyun's mom has already provided you with updates from the hospital. He’ll have some tests taken today as Taeil advised and then they’ll hear more about his progress. From the looks of it, she seems still set on watching over her son, which means you still have at least today free to yourself.

You quickly typed a reply to her and sighed. You’re thankful that even though you weren’t related by blood, his parents have always treated you as if you were their own. Having a family is not something you’ve really experienced in your childhood, so that’s something you’ve always appreciated about them. That is also the reason why you wish for the best out of this situation, because you also couldn’t bear seeing your fiance’s mother and father heartbroken. He’s their only son, after all.

A quick look around your room left you feeling empty. The last week has been so hard that it felt longer and now you’re struggling to find your normal pace again. In an effort to bring yourself to focus, you decided to pick up your phone once more and started flipping through your calendar to check your schedule. It didn’t take long for you to frown when you realized the upcoming dates there. You’ve plotted important academic schedules in advance and one quick look at it told you how much you’ve obviously missed in the past week. You’ve been so lost in the mess of everything that has happened that you’ve entirely forgotten about your job at the manor. You realized that they didn’t even call you once to ask about your absence, probably because they also know about the situation, but even that is not enough excuse for you to entirely fall off the radar.  

Biting your lip, you quickly scrolled through your contacts now to look for the number you need. Your thumb hovered over the call button momentarily, but you eventually pressed it anyway. Your eyes wandered towards the clock on the wall, hoping silently to yourself that it wasn’t too early for you to call.

“Rosewood Manor, how can I help you?”

You straightened on your seat.

“Hey, Taeyong. It’s me. Sorry if I called so early.”

The other boy seemed to have been taken slightly by surprise by the way he fell silent at the other end of the line. You tapped your finger against your knee, waiting for him to speak again.

“Hi. No, it’s fine. Work started for me about an hour ago. Are you okay? How’s things on your end?”

You nibbled guiltily on your lower lip and finally got off your bed to walk over to the window. You pushed the curtains open and stared at the slight snowfall that had started falling on the ground. You’ve missed so many days of reporting to them but the first thing he does is to check if you’re fine.

“I um—things are still the same. My boyfriend’s still at the hospital.”

“Oh… I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Look, I want to apologize. I haven’t really reported to work and I didn’t even call about it. It’s just that—things have been so crazy lately, but still that isn’t an excuse for me to just not show up.”

Taeyong, however, was understanding as always. You were about to go off for another round of apologies when he gently cut you off. 

“Hey, it’s fine. We know you’ve been dealing with a lot lately so we also weren't expecting anything. Don’t worry too much about it.”

“But, the boys’ examinations and portfolio review is happening in three days and I haven’t really checked in with them. How are they doing now?”

“Oh...that. Well, we actually tried looking for a temporary tutor to help out but I...uh… I think he isn't really cutting it. Maybe because he isn’t the one who started the program with them. But he’s a big help still.”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry about that. I should have at least—look, I can drop by today and just try to fix things.”

“Are you sure? You really don’t have to. Don’t you need to be at the hospital?”

You started going around your room now, trying to gather the scattered papers and files that you’ll need. It’s a good thing you woke up early so you still have time to prepare for work. “My boyfriend’s mother is the one watching over him today so I have the day off.”

“And your injury? How is it?”

Your eyes landed on the new bottles of medicine sitting on your bedside table.

“Better. I’m feeling so much better.”

You heard Taeyong sigh in relief over the phone. “Thank god. We were so worried about that. Well, you really don’t need to go, but if you have time, I guess doing it today won’t hurt. It will help us a lot.”

A small smile tugged at your lips now and you switched the phone over to your other ear as you started arranging your bag. “Thank you so much for being understanding. I need a distraction anyway. I’d rather work than stay home alone… Thanks for not firing me.”

That made him laugh a little. “I’ll tell the boys that you’re coming over. Oh, and be careful on your drive here. The roads are a little bit slippery today because of the snow.”

“I will, thank you. I’ll be there by 9.”

******* “Noona!”

You have barely finished arranging your materials on your desk when the door to the room burst open and ushered an anxious-looking Jisung inside. You looked up quickly at him, only barely catching Chenle wobbling with his crutch before your vision of the entrance was blocked by Jisung’s tall frame. His hair looked swept up as if he ran and there was a slight flush staining his cheeks. He stopped right in front of you, stopping just in time for him not to topple you over.

“Hey, Jisung how are—” You tried to give him a smile but he was quick enough to grab your hands between his.  

“Are you back? Are you really back for real?” He pressed now, eyes wide as he tried to bend over to look closely at you. He looked like a puppy, the only missing thing being a wagging tail to complete the look. You couldn’t help the brief laugh that passed over you as you tried to calm him down.

“I am. For the day, yes. Sorry I missed so many of your sessions.”

“We thought you left us,” Jisung continued, his lower lip protruding just a bit. Just then, Chenle had finally reached the two of you, a slightly embarrassed look on his face. This is actually the first time you saw him again since the day the two of you had your accident and you’re glad to see him healthy despite his broken leg.

“Hi, Chenle. How are you?”

The boy scratched the back of his head and looked away slightly. “Fine… I’m sorry, noona. I wasn’t able to visit you when you stayed with us. I’m really really sorry about what happened in the forest.”

You tried to give him a reassuring smile and freed one of your hands from Jisung’s hold to ruffle his hair. The action seemed to have calmed him down a little because he finally looked at you again, a small apologetic smile on his own lips.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault. But be careful next time, okay?”

“Are you going to be our tutor again, noona?” Jisung pressed once more and you turned your attention back to him. To be honest, you’re still not sure how your schedule will turn out after this, but you couldn’t really bear to break the poor boy’s heart at the moment.

“Yes… I’m here to teach your big brothers today for their tests though. We’ll have to schedule you and Chenle’s lessons again. Is that alright?”

A brief look of disappointment flashed on his face but he was quick enough to pick it up. Jisung smiled and gave your hand a squeeze.

“Okay. We can wait. It’s good you are back, Jaemin-hyung was so—”

“Yah, don’t hog her by yourself. You’ll scare her away.”

A new voice made the three of you look back to the doorway. Haechan smiled at your little group as he strolled casually into the room followed by Jeno and Jaemin. The three of them joined your crowd and you felt Jisung finally let go of your hand as he stepped away to go over to his brothers’ side.

“Hi. Sorry, I only returned now. Taeyong told me that you—”

You weren’t able to finish what you wanted to say as Haechan gently stopped you mid-sentence. He leaned his head to the side, eyes briefly scanning you from head to toe. Unlike Jisung, he looked calm and only barely excited.

“It’s fine. We knew you’ll come back. How are you?”

“Oh… I’m good. My head is better. I haven’t had the chance to thank all of you for taking care of me when I was here.”

“How about your boyfriend?” It was Jeno who asked this time and you quickly turned to him to address his question. Your eyes briefly slipped to Jaemin who was standing behind him before you could even speak though, and for a moment you had the impression that Jeno was shielding him—or blocking him from you. You blinked a little bit in confusion, wondering if it was just your imagination that was making you think that way.

“He’s still… still unconscious,” your smile dropped a little but you tried your best to keep your voice casual. “We’re getting more tests for him. His doctor said that he isn’t showing bad signs at least.”

“I’m so sorry to hear about him,” Haechan said with compassion and you gave him a grateful look. Your gaze settled on Jaemin again, however, who for some reason had barely looked at you since he came into the room. You know that he can be quiet and reserved at times, but there is something in the air around him that makes you slightly worried. He’s so still, but the way he carries himself makes it seem like he’s so strung up at the same time. It also doesn’t help that Jeno seems to be almost pushing him back from view.

“Hi Jaemin… How are you?” You tried to gently ask him to make sure that he is okay. He didn’t look at you at first, but when he finally did, you felt yourself freeze a little. His eyes looked dark and almost emotionless when he met yours and there were shadows under them as if he hadn't slept properly for days. He didn’t even answer and just simply stared, his gaze blank and accusing at the same time.

Haechan casually glanced over his brother and chuckled. “Our Jaeminie here has been sick for the past couple of days so he’s a little out of it. But he’s going to be fine now,” he put a hand over the other’s shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze as if to calm him down. “Right, Jaemin? We’ll try our best to go to class today since noona is finally back, hmm?”

Jaemin, however, didn’t even seem to hear him. He continued staring at you the same way that kept you pinned on your spot.

“Are you leaving again?” he finally asked and you almost felt goosebumps rise on your skin. It didn’t sound like a question… but more of a threat. You swallowed.

“I’m going to have to arrange my schedule till things get better…” you answered carefully, as if you’re navigating dark waters. That didn’t seem to cut it for him, unfortunately.

“So you’re not leaving. Forever?”

You blinked. To be honest, you’ve been thinking of quitting and just finishing the rest of the month if things didn’t improve, but you don’t think that’s the right answer to give at the moment.

“No… not for now,” you finally managed to say. You watched as Jaemin seemed to visibly relax, his stiff shoulders loosening under Haechan’s grip. He didn’t say anything after that, but he at least looked away, seemingly more satisfied with your words.

“Great. I think we should get to work,” Haechan broke the silence and looked around the room as if the tension you were feeling was just something only you could feel. He nodded towards Chenle and Jisung then. “You guys go back to your own classes. You’ll have your share of noona once it’s your turn.” He then glanced at you, smile still in place. “Should we start then?”

You nodded. “Is Renjun still not back?”

“Not yet. He’s going to be here tomorrow though,” Jeno answered as he took his seat on one of the desks.

“I see…”

Haechan also found his spot, but not before you’ve noticed him urging Jaemin to do the same. Playfully, he took the pencil you’ve arranged on the desk and started tapping it against the wood of the table.

“Don’t worry. We’ll tell him you’re back. I’m sure he can’t wait to have his lessons again~”

******* You looked over the window for the third time in the last fifteen minutes and sighed. The day had been busy with you trying to catch up on the boys’ lessons that you barely even noticed the state of the weather outside. When you finally did, it took you by surprise when you saw how much of the ground was covered by snow—one look at it told you that it is at least a feet deep by now. Your first instinct was to try and maneuver your car out of the lot before your tires get entirely buried in it, but then you remembered that you promised to wait for Taeyong to come back before leaving the manor. The butler requested for you to temporarily watch over the manor while he tries to do some last minute errands back in the city, but it’s been two hours since he originally promised to come back. You eyes glanced at your watch now, then back at the quickly darkening view outside. 

“...severe snowstorm has blocked some of the main roads in the city at the moment. Expect heavy traffic and don’t forget to drive safely.”

You turned to the television now to catch the last of the rambling dialogue of the reporter about the weather. You’ve been debating on whether to call Taeyong or not to check on him, but you didn’t want to seem impatient to go home when you only really wanted to make sure if he’s safe. From the looks of it, he’s stuck somewhere because of the hale, too.

You were on your way to get your phone from your bag to at least try to shoot him a message when you suddenly heard it ring. Getting it just in time, you almost sighed in relief when you saw his number there. You quickly took it and went over to the window to answer it to make sure you get some proper signal.

“Hello? Taeyong?”

“Hey. Finally. I’ve been trying to call you for the last hour, thank god it finally connected.”

“Oh, sorry, my phone’s in my bag. I think the signal’s getting bad because of the snowstorm. Where are you? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, about that, I’m still stuck in town. The traffic’s so bad here because a section of the main road is blocked. Road maintenance is supposed to come thirty minutes ago but I think there’s a delay because there are other roads they are working on.”

Your gaze drifted back to the television where scenes of the same blocked avenues were being flashed. “Yeah… the news says the same.  Are you safe though?”

“I am. I’m really sorry for making you wait. I’d tell you to drive back and not wait for me anymore but I don’t think you’ll also make it home in time with all this traffic going on. I don’t think it’s going to be safe. Do you mind waiting for a little bit more? I’ll tell you once the roads are better.”

You thought it over quickly, a frown settling on your face. You really want to go home, but he’s right. There’s no point in trying to drive back if you’ll only find yourself stuck in the roads for hours. Not being a big fan of night driving yourself, you can already imagine the stress waiting for you if you add a snowstorm to the mix. As much as you wanted to leave, you’re left with no choice, at least for the moment.

 “I can… I’ll just wait for you, I guess. Do you want me to do anything here while you’re gone? Dinner for the boys?”

“Oh no, no, you don’t need to do that, that’s not part of your job,” Taeyong sounded abashed when he said that. You stepped away from the window then and took a seat by the fireplace that Jeno started earlier. Half of your concentration was on the news which has now shifted to a different set of reports also caused by the snowstorm. “They’ll know when to go down and eat. Don’t worry about them. Where are they right now?”

“Ah, I think they went back to their rooms? I did tell them earlier that I’ll try to wait for you.”

“I see. Yes, I think that’s better. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you updated. If things don’t get better, I think I’ll have no other choice but find a hostel here and wait for the weather to calm down. You can stay there and just ask for help from any of them. You can stay in the same room just in case.”

You didn’t quickly react to the offer. Instead, your eyes flickered to the doorway of the room before refocusing your attention back to the conversation. It’s not like you have anything against spending the night again at the manor—you’ve done it before, after all—but it’s honestly not really something you’re comfortable to do again. Maybe it’s because you’ve never really been okay with overstaying at strangers’ houses but your gut feel is also telling you right now that it shouldn’t be your top option regardless of the situation you are in.

Still, you didn’t want to come off rude to Taeyong, not when he is only being kind to offer you temporary shelter while being stuck in the middle of nowhere himself. So instead, you went against your initial doubts and offered him your thanks in return. It’s just Plan B that he’s proposing after all. 

“I will. Keep me updated though if you need anything you think I can help with.”

“Thank you and I will. I have to go now though. Please make yourself at home. I’ll try to call again after an hour.”

“Okay. Take care.”

You put your phone down now with a worried frown as you heard the line drop. You couldn’t believe this is happening the first day you got back to work but it’s not like you can really blame anyone for it. The only good thing is that you’re sure Jaehyun is being taken care of right now so that is at least one thing off your shoulders. You didn’t really need to rush anywhere, not especially to a vacant home. Leaning back against your seat, you tried your best to relax as your gaze travelled around the room once again. You deliberated on sending a text to your mother-in-law to tell her about your situation but decided against it, not wanting to worry her more. You sighed. For now, you guess you didn’t have any other choice but to wait.

You did try to distract yourself by watching the news for a few more minutes before finally giving up on it. With resignation, you picked yourself up from your seat again and turned the television off. For a moment you simply stood in the middle of the room, trying to figure out what to do with your time when your gaze settled on the door again. Everyone retreated to their own rooms after they finished with their lessons so it means the house is pretty much yours for exploring if you wanted to. You toyed with the idea for a little bit, before finally resigning yourself to it. It’s not like there really is anything else left for you to do, and Taeyong did say you can make yourself feel at home if you wanted to. With a sigh, you finally turned on your heels to leave the room and peered silently into the hallway. It was deserted as expected, but still your eyes travelled left and right to check if there’s anyone out and about at this hour. It was only after you made sure that you were alone when you finally allowed yourself to step into the corridor.

Of course, you have a plan. You’re pretty much sure that checking out the rooms on the first floor is acceptable since it’s where you’ve been rotating your classes so you’re going to stick to those areas. You remember finding a library there once and you focused on finding your way to it to maybe check out some of the books in the collection. 

It did take you about five minutes to finally find the place you were looking for. For some reason, the sections in the manor always confuse you no matter how many times you try to memorize each one, probably because of how big and similar-looking they are on the outside. You’ve already tried four doors when you were finally welcomed by the familiar-looking bookshelves at the fifth one. You sighed and gave one quick look around the room before slipping yourself inside after making sure that you’re alone.

There will probably never be a time when you won’t find yourself fascinated by anything in this grand home. If the architecture of the mansion is not enough to convince anyone how rich the family is, their book collection is enough to assure that at the very least. You’ve only ever taken a quick glimpse of it once during one of your lessons with the boys, but one look of the titles in their shelves is enough to make any literature major excited. You looked at the floor to ceiling collection now, your fingers gently running over the spines of the books you could reach with a small smile on your face.

You were about to check out the rest of the collection on the other side of the wall when something in the middle of the room caught your attention. You didn’t really catch it at first because of the shadows that concealed it when you first came in, but you could pretty much discern the outline of a blanket covered standee now from where you stood. You frowned. Taking careful steps, you closed the distance towards it to try and figure out what exactly it is that you’re seeing.

A closer look revealed it to be an easel covered with white cloth. You could see the outline of the canvas where the blanket falls over it while shadows of colors peeked out into the thin fabric from the surface it was covering. How odd… you knew that Renjun had a different art room for his paintings so to see this now here in the middle of the library seems uncanny.

You didn’t know how long you remained standing in front of it, too. You know you should have walked away—after all, the white cloth hiding it away from plain view means whatever is on that canvas is not meant for everyone’s eyes to see, but you simply couldn’t tear yourself away from it. It’s as if there was a silent force asking you to pull that cloth to reveal what’s underneath, the inclination so strong that you could almost hear its voice breathing down next to your ear, unrelenting until you do what it says.

The next thing you know, you had your hand attached to one end of the fabric. You stared at it now, wondering last minute if you should go ahead or not. You swallowed and glanced around one last time around the room. If you’re alone… it wouldn’t hurt if you could take a peek, right? Nobody will know. You just have to see, then cover it back again. Before you could even think about it too much, your arm was finally moving on its own as it gently tugged at the covering. You watched as it fell gently on the floor, like a bodiless ghost melting into the shadows on the ground.

Your eyes couldn’t make out what you were seeing at first. The dim lighting of the room wasn’t helping at all, but you were sure that it was a woman’s silhouette that was staring back at you from the canvas. Colors swirled around her, like some unknown mass trying to drag her back into unknown depths. Shapes and tones jumped from the picture, but her form stood out from the rest, gracefully twisted as if she was in the middle of trying to fight and succumb to it at the same time. You frowned. Taking a step closer towards it, you tried to study its details under what little illumination the lamps above afforded you.

That’s when it all happened simultaneously. Your heart stopped beating the same time your eyes widened as they finally focused on what’s in front of them. It’s as if the ground suddenly vanished from underneath your feet and you were falling, falling, deep into the abyss despite your body being frozen in fear and shock.

You know this painting. You’ve seen it before. It was the same one by Renjun, the one that you saw on your first day working in the manor.

But it was different now. Instead of the unfinished state that caught your attention before, everything about the picture now is in sharp focus. The lines on the woman’s nude body, the hands—which you thought were simply dark swirls dragging her back—and her face twisted beautifully in pleasure and madness stared back at you like a nightmare.

But it was not those which truly shook you to your core. It’s the realization that it was your own face in the portrait that was staring back at you, silently screaming for you to run away.

You stumbled back in shock. Your chest felt tight as you tried to grasp for air while your hands fumbled to find something to hold on to keep you from crashing on the ground. Before you could even take another step, however, something hard hit your back and you felt strong arms wrap around your waist like a vice. You have barely realized what was happening when you felt someone lean over your shoulder, lips pressing against the shell of your ear.

“Isn’t it beautiful? You’re the perfect muse, don’t you think?” Renjun asked softly as he pressed a gentle kiss to your temple.

******* You didn’t know how long you stayed frozen in his embrace. For a brief moment you thought you were dreaming again until you felt his arms slowly tighten around your waist. As if a jolt of electricity shocked you, you immediately turned to push him away as you scrambled to put some distance between the two of you.

Renjun didn’t seem the least bothered when your eyes finally focused on him. He remained on his spot, his gaze on you unwavering. You, meanwhile, were shaking from head to toe, the vision of the painting still branded vividly in your head.

“Renjun—what’s this?” you managed to stutter as you pointed at the artwork in the middle of the room. You couldn’t even spare to look at it again while he merely gave it a casual glance.

“It’s you. I’ve been working on it for a long time. I was about to show it to you but it seems like you couldn’t wait for it yourself.”

You felt nauseous. A part of your rational mind was slowly losing it as you tried to process his answer. Something's not right. Something is so terribly wrong.

“Why—why did you do this?”

Renjun simply stared at you and leaned his head a little bit to the side as if he was only mildly curious of your reaction. Your stomach turned even before hearing his answer.

“You said it’s beautiful.”

“This is not right—!”

“I came home because they said you were leaving for good,” he continued speaking softly, effectively cutting you from what you were about to say. The hairs on the back of your neck stood on end and you took another step back as you watched him get close to his artwork. You watched in horror as his thin fingers lovingly ran over the corners of the canvas. “Jaemin almost lost it… It’s a good thing I got here on time.”

And just like that, everything seemed to have clicked into place. The glances, the touches, the words that seemed to have a different undercurrent under them… they weren’t just fragments of your imagination. Every little thing that has gnawed at you from the inside came into crystal clear focus and you felt your knees go weak from the weight of it all. It took every fiber of your being to try and keep yourself steady now, your legs moving on their own as they took small backward steps away from the boy staring at you now with dead eyes. You couldn’t breathe, but it was the last words he told you that finally snapped you to run.

“I don’t think you’ve realized it yet. But no, you cannot leave. Ever.”

You didn’t know where you got the energy for it but in seconds you were flying out of that room and running blindly down the darkened corridors. Your blood pumped noisily in your ears and your chest felt like it was going to split from the sudden exertion you put on it, but you didn’t stop, not even looking back as you tried to put as much distance between you and the library. You didn’t even know where you were going. All you’re focused on is to find the exit and leave the house as soon as possible.

A loud bang that sounded off to your right startled you and you screamed, the force of your shock making you whip around and almost lose your balance. Before you could even hit the floor, however, a pair of hands caught you and you immediately turned, grasping at the chest of your rescuer.

You froze. Haechan smiled down at you as he tried to steady you on your feet.

“Haechan,” you gasped as you took fistfuls of his shirt and tried to shake him in your panic. “Renjun—he’s—please, help me. He’s after me—” you gasped out, almost out of your wits. You’re on the verge of a total breakdown that it almost escaped you, the way he simply smiled down on your shaking form. It was only when you felt one of his hands gently caress the top of your head that reality slapped you in the face again. You suddenly stopped struggling in his hold, pupils shaking as you watched him study your features lovingly.

“Shh… it’s fine. I got you,” he whispered and you could swear ice pricked you from the inside. A slight movement to the right made you turn your head and you saw Jaemin lean casually against the banister of the stairs, his face serene. He gave you one quick look before a gentle smile finally lit up his features.

“Has it started?” he asked and you felt Haechan’s hold on you tighten.

“It has.”

You didn’t struggle. It was as if any trace of fight you had left you in that moment and you let your hands fall limply on your sides. Haechan also loosened his grip on you and you stared at the two boys blankly, your chest heaving as if fighting for air. They didn’t move from their spots and simply followed you with their eyes as if relishing the fear and realization flashing in your face.

Trapped.

You’re trapped.

You’ve always been.

You didn’t even realize that your legs had started moving again on their own as the pieces of the puzzle started to fall together in your mind. You were only shaken from it when your back finally hit the front door, the cold metal of the knob pressing against your spine. Jaemin and Haechan remained on their spots still, even as you blindly reached out for it from behind.

You were expecting it to be locked, so you were a little bit surprised when you felt it give way under your hand when you tried to turn it open. Just before you could even entertain the idea of escaping, however, any trace of hope you had quickly died as you turned and came face to face with Jeno standing right in front of the entrance. He didn’t look the least surprised seeing you there, as if he was waiting for you in the first place.

You eyes took in his calm countenance before slowly moving to stare downwards at what he was holding by his side. Your gaze locked on it in fear, and that’s when the flight response in you flared up again.

Jeno’s hunting rifle shone dully in the light of the entryway, his pale fingers wrapped on its handle.

“There’s really only one place you can run, noona, but I won’t advise it,” he said evenly and you felt your blood freeze in your veins.

“After all, no matter where you hide, I’ll still find you in that forest.”

It happened all at once. You broke into a run, your body screaming at you to go faster as you heard gunshots pierce the air.

---

CHAPTER 7

A/N: Good lord, I wasn’t expecting I’d finish this today but I got one large iced coffee and well... things happened. Anyway, enjoy! Let’s hope the format won’t mess up this time. T.T Finally, all hell broke loose~ <3

Tag list! 

@negincho, @jhornytrash, @jaeminhyuckiii, @jungwoosswhore​, @jsturkey, @aj-7, @pukupukupawpau, @tomiesgirlfren, @vsszn, @those-winternights, @xsnelly, @lihyuck, @laheyspizza, @miyeux27, @haoshitt, @mindofthescattered, @huangberryyy, @d1nne, @choppedupcactus, @neokat​, @yutasnabi​

[heecyon]

Enhypen Little Angels Series: When they find out their s/o is pregnant

warnings: cursing, mentions of miscarriage and hospitals, collapsing, vomiting and couvade syndrome (for Sunghoon and Sunoo)

this happens before the og enha little angels

taglist: @skyaura-koo @serendipityclick @en-sun @envirae @exulansis-eun @gamezzzz

Pls tell me if I forgot anyone from the taglist and I'll fix it immediately.

I'll try to fix any grammar mistakes. Sorry for the delay

word count: 1,523 words

Lee Heeseung:

“Heeseung... What if i'm really pregnant?” Mina said bouncing on her feet.

Being nervous wasn't the words that she would use to describe how she feeling at the moment.

“If you are pregnant, then that means that our child will have the most amazing mother and the most amazing father.” He set his hands around Mina's waist, then accommodated his head on her shoulder.

“I'm not talking about that.” She sighed, looking at the ring on her finger.

“You mean... the loss?” Mina nodded, her gaze was sad and her eyes were glossy.

“It wasn't your fault jagi, and I know that you fear that the same thing will happen again, but I promise you that everything will turn out for good.” Heeseung placed a soft kiss on his wife's lips, then unified his forehead with hers.

“I think... I'll go check the test.” Mina said before placing a kiss in Heeseung's cheek and going to the bathroom to see the results.

He waited a few seconds and then...

“Heeseung, I'm actually pregnant!”

Park Jongseong

“How many times do I have to tell you that I'm fine?” Bella said looking at IV hooked on her hand.

Jay kept walking around the hospital room, he was a little bit mad, he thought that Bella hadn't taken care of herself as he told her to.

“As many times as you want, because it's not gonna work for me, or make me feel better.” He kept pacing around back and forth, trying to keep himself calm.

“If you keep rambling nothing will be solved.” Jay huffed, as he pinched the skin of his left arm.

“And if you keep dismissing your health nothing will get solved!”

Bella groaned, sometimes Jay could be way to stubborn.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I've been taking care of myself.” She pouted.

“It doesn't seem like that to me.”

Just in time the doctor appeared on the room.

“What is it doctor? Is she healthy?” She smiled at Jay and then at Bella.

“Well, there isn't any problem... Except that you have high levels of HCG.”

They both looked at the doctor completely confused.

“This high level of HCG only appears on pregnancy. Congratulations, you are pregnant.”

If they were confused before then, I don't know how to describe how they felt by the moment.

“Huh?!”

Shim Jaeyun

“Do you think is something bad?”

Jake shook his head, while looking around the doctor's office. He was way more anxious than what he showed, but he tried his best to stay calm for Teagan.

It had been days since Teagan started vomiting and having nausea, to the point that she spent most days locked in the bathroom and nearly fell down the stairs because of how dizzy she felt.

“I'm done! I'm taking you to the doctors!”

Teagan looked at him dumbfounded. Why did he wanted to take her to the doctors so suddenly.

“But I feel fine.”

“Being fine is not nearly falling down the stairs because of dizziness.”

Teagan hated hospitals with all her might, and always tried everything to avoid them, but guess who still drag her to the hospital? Jake!

The doctor finally entered the office, making the couple turn their gaze to him.

He gave them a small smile, before saying:

“I already have your lab results...”

Jake grabbed his wife's hand, trying to calm himself down a little and also reassuring her that everything will be okay.

In the best case he thought you had a stomach bug. In the worst case you could some kind of terminal illness.

... But gladly those weren't the cases.

“It seems like you have high levels of human chorionic gonadotropin.” Teagan looked at the doctor with a dumbfounded gaze.

“What those that mean?” Teagan looked at the doctor and then looked at Jake who was in shock, but then spoke.

“It means... that you are pregnant.”

Park Sunghoon

... It started when Sunghoon started having symptoms. Hyeyoung noticed how tired Sunghoon was does days and how he started having cravings... A lot of cravings.

“And can you please add an extra order of fries please?” “Thank you.”

He hanged up on the call while Hyeyoung looked at him weirded out.

“You sure you are okay?” She walked up to him, seating beside him on the sofa.

“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?”

“Well... because you are acting like a pregnant woman.”

Sunghoon giggled a little, before he realised that...

“Hyeyoung? When was the last time that you had your period?” The girl looked down for moment, and then she finally realised what was going on.

Now they were both looking at the positive pregnancy on their hands.

“Oh shit!”

“OH HOLY SHIT!”

Kim Sunoo

Another case of couvade syndrome...

“Ah! Noona! Sunoo-Hyung just fainted!” Aera ran to the studio and saw the boys fanning Sunoo to make him feel better.

Sunno saw Aera's worried expression and then smiled at her to ease her up.

“I'm fine jagiya. I'm just tired.” He stood up with the help of his oldest members.

He walked up to Aera, who changed her expression suddenly, she started feeling way to dizzy and all off the sudden she lost her balance and collapse on Sunoo's.

The rest of the members started shouting worriedly and asked the staff to call medical help.

“I guess we have the same condition or something.” Sunoo spoke when they where both in the doctors office waiting for both of their results.

“It's probably the flu, or a cold is kicking our butts.” Aera chucked and Sunoo giggled a little.

The doctor entered the room, with the results on his hands.

“Well it seems like Sunoo is pretty healthy and there is no reason for your collapse, except that you have couvade syndrome.” He frowned at the doctors words wanting a clear explanation.

“It's when a partner presents the same symptoms as their pregnant partner.” Aera was the one frowning at that moment. Was the doctor saying what she thought he was saying?

“I'm sorry, but my wife is not...”

“The fuck?! She's pregnant?!”

Yang Jungwon

This boy rushed to the hospital the moment that he got a call from her mom, saying that Mirae had fallen down the stairs.

He freaked out, but when he got there Mirae explained him that she had blacked out and that made her fall down three steps of stairs.

“Are you sure you don't feel pain or anything?” Jungwon played with her hair, while he sat on her hospital bed.

“Wonie, I'm fine, it's just a small bruise”

“And a concussion.” Mirae's mother blurted that out of nowhere. Which made the girl murmured a "Mom" angrily.

“Ah! I guess I'll stay up with you all night.” He said rubbing her shoulders.

“I also have something else to tell you...” She grabbed a strand of hair and started playing with it.

“Hmm?” Jungwon payed all his attention ontu her.

“The doctor did a few tests... Everything's okay, but...” She passed and stayed quiet for while.

“What's wrong Rae, you can tell me anything, remember?” Jungwon smiled showing his cute dimples.

Mirae sighed, inhaled... Then exhaled.

“I'm pregnant.”

Jungwon seemed in shock by what she had just blurted out, but then started laughing immediately.

He was happy, obviously he was... But then he paused.

“When did I made you a baby?”

Nishimura Riki

They where both visiting Niki's parents in Japan, they where on vacations so they used that to pay a visit to them.

Mei Lin wasn't feeling that good throughout the whole way to her in laws house, she felt like throwing up the ride in the plane, but she thought it was just motion sickness.

“You sure you are okay? If you don't feel well enough, we can stay at the hotel and go tomorrow.” Niki wasn't that sure of what to do at the moment, but he thought it would pass in a few hours.

“No, I think I still feel bad because of the flight, but it'll pass in a few minutes, I promise.” She said patting Niki's head before calling over a taxi.

They got home pretty fast and had dinner. They were both enjoying their time, but something about the food just made Mei feel nauseated. So she covered her mouth and nose with her left hand.

The family noticed pretty fast and Niki's sister was already looking for a pill to calm Mei's stomach down.

While Niki was rubbing her back, his mother commented.

“You know, this reminds me of the symptoms I had when I had a few weeks of pregnancy with Riki.” She laughed it off, but something about just made the rest of the family including Mei freeze.

“I think... I'll just go get a pregnancy test.”

Everybody's eyes widened and the thought of their daughter in law being pregnant was kinda shocking.

An hour later, a positive pregnacy test was on the couple's hands.

Niki and Mei were both in complete shock, they were happy of course... But still shocked.

“I wasn't expecting you guys to take me seriously when I said «I want grandchildren as soon as possible.»”

[creativeashproductions]

Streetdogs and Chest Compressions // Evan Buckley

IN WHICH: Reader reconnected with her estranged younger brother in the cruelest of ways as the 118 is called the scene of three young men suffering after eating streetdogs. Unfortunately, this is how Buck meets the future brother in law he had no clue even existed.

Warnings: Swearing, family problems (aka estranged), withholding personal information, angst, medical emergency, and fluff

Words: 4.7k

A/N: This fic is a crossover between Julie and the Phantoms and 9-1-1 in which Luke, Reggie and Alex eat the streetdogs in modern times. Don’t worry, someone still dies. Reader’s nickname is Spitfire 

TO BE TAGGED SEND AN INBOX/ASK PLEASE!

Masterlist

It seemed Los Angeles was taking pity on the 118 with not even a single fire to be put out or medical needed. It was slow. Painfully slow, and you weren't even halfway through the twenty-four-hour shift. Hen and Chimney had taken the circular table for a card game, Bobby was reading a new cookbook. Eddie's Abuela had brought Christopher to the firehouse for his online schooling, the Diaz's wifi was malfunctioning. Buck and you had snuck off the bunk room to catch some sleep.

"Lazy movie day?" Buck asked with his arms tightly wound around your hips. Your form almost rested entirely on his front due to the narrow bunk.

"Wouldn't have it any other way." You replied to the content man underneath you. You could only hum as he shifted to kiss the top of your head, "Now shh. I want to slee-"

The bell sounded before you could even finish your sentence, "And what I didn't want to happen just had to spite me."

Buck and you hurried to quickly pull on your turnout gear before hopping into the respective seats you used. Eddie across from you, Buck driving with Bobby in the Captain seat. Hen and Chimney in the ambulance tailing you.

"We have three males in their late teens. Ate hotdogs in an alley before collapsing in the process." Bobby informed his team all the while he watched the road, "One is profusely puking, one's unconscious, and the last one is stable."

"Thinking it's food poisoning? That sudden?" Buck inquired with a swift glance from his position of driving. Bobby shrugged in response just as Buck eased the fire truck to a half near a crowded alley.

You were the first one out of the firetruck with your medical bag and halfway to the alley before the team could get out.

"Make some room!" You shouted among the heavily populated area, curious about the medical emergency.

Everything slowed down as you pushed between the last two people into something you called your worst nightmare. Three teenage individuals settled on their sides in unconscious states had been a fixture in your youth. Your eyes stayed pinned on the prone figure of your little brother.

It was like being underwater. Nothing could be heard, and it felt like you were in the process of drowning. It was the first time seeing Luke since you stormed out of your family home back when you were eighteen years old.

It was the same old unchanging story playing for months now with only the new addition of an audience. It was the middle of a blistering summer in Los Angeles, but it was the most heated in the Patterson household. You'd been at the movies with your best friends while your mother, Emily, was putting your laundry away.

Emily's hand had bumped your dresser by accident in her process of closing your socks drawer. The Patterson matriarch and her husband would never invade their children's rooms, but her keen eye had noticed the pamphlet; nothing serious like teen pregnancy but it was surprising.

Emily was holding a recruitment pamphlet for the Los Angeles Fire Department marked with your handwriting. Her heart dropped in sync with the front door slamming shut.

"I'm home!" You called out from the entrance. You didn't hear as your mother wandered into the open space. Her eyes flaring in both anger and fear; when a person is scared, they lash out.

That's what Emily did.

"What is this?"

Your eyes found the item in her hand that genuinely made your blood freeze in your veins. This was not how you'd wanted her to find out about your career decision.

"I'm applying. I graduated high school, and hopefully, I'll be train-"

"Like hell, you will! You're going to college and getting a real job! This won't take you anywhere Y/N Y/M/N Patterson!" Emily snapped just as Mitch came through the back door with your ten-year-old brother Luke.

"What's going on?" Mitch questioned as soon as he felt the tension between mother and daughter. Luke was quiet amongst the adults speaking.

"Your daughter isn't going to college. She's going to be a firefighter.

"Spitfire?"

A smooth hand startled you with the clap on your shoulder and Hen looking at you, "Are you okay?"

"I-" You shakily attempted to speak but alas had to be gently settled on the ground before you keeled over and hurt yourself. Your uniform, long sleeves this time, felt constricting as the guilt nearly swallowed you whole.

"Hey, Cap? I think I know why those three are like that." Buck called out from a sketchy grill by an even sketchier condiments table. The table being a rusted Oldsmobile manned by a greasy dude and his girl.

Even from a distance, you could smell the chemicals wafting off the unsanitary set up that would put a health inspector in a casket. 

"One's waking up!" Chimney spoke from the slump of pink and denim fabric. A curtain of blonde '90s style hair mussed on his head.

"Look, Y/N, I need you to dig deep to help these three boys. They have long lives ahead of them and need our A-game." Hen spoke with her hands, already checking one of the teens for broken bones.

Your eyes closed with a deep breath before you moved towards the boy on the other side. Eddie shifted to allow you room to check him over.

"Strong pulse. Breathing is good." You clinically informed your team, "Eddie can-"

"What happened?" The gruff voice spoke from behind you. As expected, Alex's voice had deepened in the years you'd gone without seeing Luke or his friends.

"You got this one?" You asked Eddie without waiting for a response; you were by Chim's side with a soft smile. Alex's eyes widened momentarily, "Hey Alex."

"Y/N?" Alex nearly gasped in shock. His shock seemed contagious as your entire team from the 118 caught it, "What's going on?"

"You ate some bad hotdogs and needed our help. We're gonna get you to the hospital. I'm worried you ingested battery acid." You spoke, understanding that Alex would prefer details instead of the lack thereof. Even from an early age, he'd been anxious.

"Oh. Are the guys okay?" Alex softly asked with his eye blinking as a strand of his blonde hair caught in his eyelashes. You slowly nodded in response without really knowing the status of Reggie and Luke.

"Eddie, Buck, can you get him loaded in the ambulance?" You called over your shoulder once you'd finished your thorough examination of Alex. The sound of boots on the hard ground appeared before they appeared.

Eddie and Buck swiftly loaded him on a gurney, but Alex's eyes widened, "Why are there two hot guys touching me? Oh my god. Do you see the cute guys too?"

You snickered as Alex's failed attempt at a stage whisper, "Yes. Alex."

"I've been blessed as a gay man." Alex breathed with a cute little grin plastered on his face, "Maybe I should eat more streetdogs-"

"NO!" Eddie, Buck, and you collectively shouted in response to Alex's delirious comment. He was loaded into the ambulance beside Reggie's gurney.

"I'm gonna jump in with the other guy in the ambulance." You quickly informed your boyfriend and Eddie. Each shared a look before Eddie slammed his fist on the back of this ambulance. It rolled away, and you jogged to the one Hen was driving.

Buck was there giving you a hand into the back of the ambulance with one of the other paramedics. You couldn't meet his eye when you were staring at the unconscious but thankfully alive body of your little brother. Your eyes couldn't be pulled away even as the ambulance started driving away.

Buck momentarily stared after the leaving vehicle until it turned a corner leaving him with his crew and questions. Eddie kept by Buck's side on the return to the firetruck in unusual silence. It wasn't often that Buck was quiet.

"What do you think that was about?" Eddie inquired as the truck pulled onto the street to follow the ambulances to the hospital, "Y/N knew the conscious one-"

"-and the one in the ambulance she jumped in. Kept staring at him like he'd disappear out of her sight." Buck supplied, staring out the window to the passing buildings. His blue eyes are unable to focus on the looks Bobby was sending.

Bobby attempted to bring Buck into a conversation, but each attempt was a failure. Neither Bobby nor Eddie knew how to make him feel better or why he was feeling off. 

Whereas you kept a hawk-eye on your brother's stats the entirety of the drive. The ambulance had only just entered the parking lot when his stats dropped. A long beep sounded, alerting you that Luke's heart had stopped.

"Goddamnit." You swore as you started leaning over Luke to start compressions. In order to continue compressions, you clambered into the gurney as the back doors opened.

"Hold compressions!" Eddie exclaimed once, seeing the situation, "No pulse."

You continued even as the gurney entered the hospital, and a doctor was there, "We got it."

You did as the doctor had subtly implied by climbing off the gurney, leaving the medical professionals to continue. You followed your brother's unconscious body to the surprise of the 118; you had never tried to follow the patient. It was more of Buck's issue.

"Y/N, our job ends here. You know that." Bobby spoke with Hen, Chimney, Eddie and Buck flanking his sides. Your e/c eyes shifted between the brown of your Captain's eyes and the blue of your boyfriend's eyes.

"It doesn't end when I just did compressions on my little brother." You informed him, "Write me up. Suspend me if you want, but I need to be in there."

Bobby's eyes softened, "Your shift is almost over. Just come in early on your next shift; you can make breakfast."

"Thanks, Bobby." You softly informed the man who'd become both your boss and a pseudo father. He only nodded in response with your friends beside him with different expressions, "I should get in there."

Without waiting for another response, you'd already entered the ER through the ambulance bay sliding doors. You went straight to the nursing desk with sure steps.

"Hi, I was in the ambulance that brought in a young male teenager. Shaggy brunette hair, caucasian. He was in a separate ambulance from his two friends." You spoke once the head nurse had turned his attention to you, "He was getting compressions on his way in. Name Luke Patterson."

"Are you asking as a paramedic?" Jude questioned with his fingers tapping the keys of the computer. 

"No. He's my brother." You sighed, bringing the sympathetic brown eyes of Jude to look at you. The look changed a degree when he read the sentences on the screen.

"Are you aware your brother ran away from home? There's a social worker on her way."

Your jaw dropped in surprise, "Ran away? He ran away?!"

Jude flinched at the screech of words you accidentally released to both your and Jude's horror in the quiet ER. Jude turned the screen to show a digital missing person's poster with your brother's face on it.

"He's awake." Jude supplied, having deciphered and guessed correctly you'd gone a while without seeing your brother, "I'm off shift now, but I can bring you to him. I'll let the social worker know."

The nerves grew each step closer to the room your brother was stationed in for the time being with Reggie for comfort in the neighbouring bed. Part of you wished Luke would be asleep to avoid the confrontation about to happen. Only Luke's hazel eyes turned to see him in his pause of puking.

"Hey." You softly breathed into the quiet room. Luke's breath caught in his throat, "You ran away?"

"Guess we're more alike than we thought. We both run when it gets tough." Luke's words were all snark and poison to your heart. His hazel eyes glaring into your own eyes with anger that covered up the pain, "Hope this is just a delirious episode."

Your eyes squeezed closer, "Luke-"

"What? Are you gonna apologize for abandoning me? The only reason you're reaching out is that you happened to be the medic!"

You could physically feel your heart clench, "No. I tried reaching out. Mom and dad don't answer the phone. You didn't have a phone, and like hell, they'd give me the number either. The letters and-"

"Excuse me? Ms. Patterson." Both Luke and your attention shifted the entrance. A well put together woman stood with a clipboard, "I'm Beth. A social worker and I'm afraid you aren't allowed to speak with Luke alone."

"I'm his sister."

"Barely." Luke hissed, avoiding looking at you by looking over at Reggie, "I'd like to be alone."

"I can respect that. Here's my number if you need anything, Luke. Seriously, night or day, I'll answer. I know how it was living in that house, but you have someone to run to. Me." You firmly told the stubborn teenager, "Listen to Beth. You can't live on the streets Luke, it's not fair to you or anyone else. I'll ask my friend to keep an eye on you."

Had you not noticed Luke's jaw clenching, you'd have thought he hadn't heard you, "Whatever."

"Beth, have Reggie or Alex's parents come yet?"

Beth nodded, "I'm not supposed to reveal that, but yes Mr and Mrs Peters are talking to the doctor. Alex was moved into a room. They'll all make a full recovery."

You cast one last look at your little brother curled up in the hospital bed, a stark similarity to the night you returned home, only for your things.

It wasn't an accident you chose to return to your childhood home on Thursday night with the schedule on the fridge memorized. Every second Thursday, your mom attended the PTA meetings for Luke's school. Your father would be home but most likely asleep in his recliner, but if he was awake, it wouldn't be bad.

Your father was more lenient than your mother, even if he shared the same mentality.

"I was wondering when you'd come back," Mitch spoke from his recliner with the side table holding his drink. A glass of your mom's homemade lemonade, "Your mom-"

"I'm not staying." You firmly spoke on your way to the hallways where the bedrooms were positioned. You could hear the soft steps of your father's well-worn slippers.

"What?"

"Look, Dad, you can't leave the house, but I can. I'm not staying in this place with her stifling ideas. This is my life. Just because she decided to be a stay at home, mom doesn't mean she gets to make my decisions and live through me." You informed the man while shoving clothing, items, toiletries, among other things, in the suitcase.

"Y/N, firstly, that is not how to speak about your mother. She sacrificed to take care of this family. Luke looks up at you, don't give him a bad impression of our family."

"No."

"If you walk out that door without apologizing, then you are not welcome back until you do so." Mitch's voice came out in that fatherly authoritarian tone. The no-nonsense look in his eye nailing the coffin in your decision.

"I'm not apologizing for choosing a career of helping other people. Of being a step for someone to live and not die. So what if it's not a teacher, a lawyer or some other bullshit 'acceptable' career. I love you, dad. I love mom too and Luke. But I'm not subjecting myself to a desk job with no drive in it."

"Where will you stay?"

"I have a place. I'll call to talk with Luke. I won't 'poison' his mind with ill thoughts of mom. But I won't lie to him either."

Mitch was stock still as you glanced into the bedroom next to your childhood bedroom. Luke's room was still decorated with spaceships and stuffed animals. Your eyes watched the rising of Luke's back as he breathed from his curled up position.

You couldn't help but walk to kneel at his side. Your hand brushed his soft hair from his forehead. You drank in the look of pure content and innocence on his sleeping face.

"Y/N?" Luke mumbled with his bleary eyes blinking, "You're home."

"I have to head out. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay," Luke spoke mere seconds before his breathing evened out once more.

That was the last night you'd been in the home. Luke sat next to the landline phone the next night, waiting for a call that never came. Your parents had unhooked the line. Luke sat on a stool beside it for weeks before his hopes soured.

If only you'd known leaving your parents would mean souring your relationship with your brother. Than maybe you would have reached out for his benefit and your self-proclaiming selfishness

"Thought you'd need a ride," Buck spoke from his position leaning against the wall still in his uniform. There was definitely a new tension in the air between you and him, "We'll grab our things from the house than go home."

"Thank you." You softly spoke to Buck. The weight of keeping your family secret dragged your shoulders down. You couldn't help but wonder if this was gonna cause a fracture in your relationship.

"No matter what. I'll always be here." Buck told you with his arms coming to wrap around your shoulders. He led you through the ER, you'd waved at the shocked parents of both Alex and Reggie, "Who-"

"Luke's friends' parents."

"Okay, so your family lives just outside of the city in Los Felix?"

"Feliz. They live in Los Feliz, from what I know. I haven't been back since I was eighteen." You chuckled, "I want to stress that my parents are abusive or neglectful. Not even bad, but my mom had this idea of what my life should be like."

Buck hummed with his right arm around your waist, and his left casually balanced on his outstretched leg. A bottle of beer loosely gripped in his left hand.

"How old is Luke?"

"He'll be eighteen in August. When I left, he was ten." You mused, leaning into Buck's side, "I think that's why Maddie and I get along so well. We're both big sisters with a significant age gap to our brother."

Buck hummed, "Why did you keep it from me?"

"It hurt. It still hurts just thinking about it. They unhooked the landline the night after I went back for my things." You recalled the agony at having an olive branch snapped off, "I promised to call Luke, and I wasn't able to; they'd disconnected the landline. Imagining the look of hurt on Luke's face was enough to keep me from physically reaching out."

"I wish you had trusted me." Buck finally admitted with the last swig of his beer in the middle of his words, "We're engaged. We're looking at houses, but you never told me about your parents. About your brother. Above your life before the 118."

"Buck. I trust you with my life." You urgently informed the firefighter. Your hands cupped his cheeks to ensure his eyes focused on yours. You wanted him to see the truth, "You are the most important piece of my life. You and the 118 made me feel at home from the moment I joined. Buck, you are my family."

That look courtesy of his parents' actions faded ever so slightly from his eyes, "You guys are my family too."

"I'd like you to meet my little brother when we can reconcile." You announced into the cool summer night. Your drink had been long gone in the process of working through seeing your brother again, "I never thought I'd see him as a patient I'd have to help. Seeing him pale and unconscious nearly destroyed me."

"But he made it."

"He texted me 'didn't die' with the rock 'n roll hand emoji." You deadpanned, recalling the emotional two days for news. You were kinda shocked that Luke had even reached out at all.

Buck couldn't have successfully hidden his laugh if you weren't currently leaning against his body.

"So Albert found an apartment. He won't be moving with us." Buck changed the subject with the same ease he'd always held at knowing you. This was just another one of the moments you were thankful for having him by your side.

"So now there's not a reason to search for a bigger house?" You questioned with a crease between your eyebrows.

In the last two years, several significant changes have been impacting all areas of your life, especially the personal aspect. Buck had proposed during a picnic hike about a year ago with the mutual agreement for a long engagement; his parents didn't believe it was for anything other than pregnancy. Additionally, working in the same firehouse made planning difficult and then your apartment lease bringing the conversation of houses.

Originally Albert would rent part of the home out, so it needed at least three bedrooms.

"I mean, we don't have to not look. We've talked about children and settling down." Buck softly offered with a hesitant smile on his face, "I wanted to talk to you about it, but do you think we could talk about a possible time to start trying-"

"Y/N?"

The two adults went on high alert as Luke wandered into the gated garden your apartment building had. Buck's arm slid off your body as soon as you climbed to your feet at the sight of Luke.

"Luke?" You softly gasped, revelling in the sight of your little brother. Physically he looked fine with the addition of bloodshot eyes, "What's wrong?"

"I-I didn't have anywhere else to go." Luke choked out, sliding the battered old backpack off his shoulder onto the duffle at his feet. Luke's hazel eyes glimmering in the setting sun, "I got into a fight with mom and dad."

"Please tell me you didn't run away again." You heavily sighed in your movement to grab his backpack from the ground. Buck was quick to grab the duffle bag from the ground.

"I'll get the air mattress. Let Albert know not to bring his date home." Buck murmured in your ear low enough only you could hear, "I'll heat up the leftover Chinese."

The Patterson siblings watched as Buck entered the opening to the back of the building's secured backyard. Luke's backpack slung over his shoulder, and the duffle in his right hand.

"How did you find where I live?" You asked the emotionally seventeen-year-old with those puppy dog eyes. The eyes with the colour you wished you had inherited instead of your e/c.

"I saw 118 on the inside of the ambulance. I found the firehouse, and after procuring 'evidence', one of the paramedics told me where to find you." Luke shrugged, "I would have gone to Bobby's garage we use as a studio, but...he bailed on us. Reggie tries to get away from his place, and Alex's are assholes."

"The Peters are still married?" You scoffed, recalling the tense moments between little Reggie's parents. A cloud followed the couple around everywhere they went together, and Reggie was always caught in the middle.

"If-if this overstepping, I can find another place-" Luke began to respond on the walk down the inside hall to your apartment door.

"And make my struggle with the cursed object redundant?" Buck joked from the kitchen with a plate filled with warmed up food. Maybe the universe had a plan when Buck accidently over-ordered food from the restaurant.

"Luke, just stay here. You can have something to eat and rest up. But we need to talk about this. Running away is never a solution to your problems." Your stern voice reminded you of your mother when you broke the rules, "You need to let mom and dad know you're crashing at my place. They don't know my address."

"We got your back." Buck cemented to the quiet teenage boy that he saw a lot of himself in. A little kid living in the shadow left by an older sibling, only Luke's still lived.

"Oh!" You exclaimed with a shake of your head, "I'm sorry. Buck, this is my little brother Luke. Luke, this is Evan, my fiance."

Luke's eyes widened at the title, "Hi."

"Everyone calls me Buck."

Buck, Luke, and you shared stories of your lives in the times you'd gone without each other while Luke ate. By the time he shovelled the last bite of chow mein in his mouth, you'd caught up enough for the time being. He used the shower and settled into the air mattress sheets on the floor a fair distance from the couch Albert slept on.

"So I guess we'll be finding that house anyway?" Buck inquired under the stream of water from the showerhead. His hands massaging the shampoo into your scalp, the action intimate without a sexual motive behind it.

"How-"

"I could see it in your eye. We can see if your parents would be willing to meet up to talk about Luke. Maybe have him stay with us temporarily, give them space without your parents not knowing where he is." Buck murmured as he caressed your sides with his calloused hands. His forehead leaning down on your own forehead.

"I haven't been home in years. I'm not sure how they'd take us stepping on their toes."

"Then we tell them how it is. Their decision drove their youngest child away, and that almost killed him. He's almost eighteen, and then he can make his own legal decisions. Be the person we both wish had been there when we were his age."

And that's what you did. Buck and you met up with your parents at your childhood home to your horror and Buck's delight. He'd never gotten to see pictures of a younger you, but Maddie had brought his baby pictures for you to see the first time you met her. While your mom had fixed some of her lemonade Buck had toured the photos hanging on the wall.

The conversation itself was tense and combative, but in the end, your parents agreed that they'd prefer Luke to be safe than missing. Life was looking up. 

"Hey," Buck murmured with his arms wrapped around your midsection. His blonde scruff scratching your cheek as he slumped over you, "Is that-?"

"Evie's babysitter?" You supplied with a raised eyebrow towards your now husband's laser focus on your brother.

After your relationship with your parents started healing, you had walked down the aisle in white to Buck. You had settled into the dream house with Luke taking one of the bedrooms. The other bedroom put to use when you got pregnant with Evelyn, Evie for short, to your shared joy.

"He likes her." Buck teased, watching the interaction between the two young adults on the main floor of the 118 fire house.

Eight-month-old Evie chewed on a rattle in the arms of her careful hold of her babysitter, but Evie's eyes watched her uncle. Luke, however, was focused on the beautiful and smart girl he knew from high school; they knew of each other but never acknowledged each other. Luke had already graduated when they first came into each other's worlds. Julie threw herself into babysitting to distract herself from both music and her mother's death.

"She's why the band doesn't practice in our garage?" 

"It's a whole thing." You mused with a shake of your hand, "She lost her mom and music. By complete chance, he walked in on her, singing a song to settle Evie. One thing led to another, and Luke formed Julie and the Phantoms with her, Reggie and Alex."

"They formed a band?" Buck beamed, hearing the recent news, "I thought they'd never find their way back to it."

Around the time of your wedding, Bobby had a family emergency involving his uncle Trevor and his cousin Carrie. You'd gone back to work shortly only to be called to the scene of a fatal accident, the victim being Bobby Wilson.

"Julie is Luke's ideal girl. Good with kids, kind, smart, shy, and shares the same passion for music. They bring out the best in each other. They brought music back to each other." You informed your husband with that lovesick grin that was resigned solely for his impulsive ass.

"Kinda like us?"

"Yeah. Like us."

Tag List (PLEASE SEND AN INBOX TO BE ADDED! I CANNOT GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE ON THE LIST VIA POST COMMENTS!)

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[indecentpause]

Heads Up 7 Up

tagged by @zmwrites and @oh-no-another-idea to share seven sentences each, so here’s a big ol chunk from The Most Beautiful Puzzle

cw: mention of past domestic violence, mention of the foster system, mention of attempting suicide, police negligence, mental illness, medication mention

“Generally I take on private cases,” Josselin says. “People looking to clear their name of an accusation, missing people, missing things. People who don’t feel safe going to the police but still need help resolving an issue. Sometimes I do freelance translation work when money is tight. I’m working on translating a Japanese novel into Spanish right now.”

“So that’s where the money is coming from.”

He nods.

“That’s pretty impressive, translating from one second language to another.”

Josselin smiles at the compliment. “It’s work,” he says, “but it’s work I enjoy. Do you have any idea how different languages can be? It’s incredible!”

He starts in on a ramble about homophones and syntax and alphabets, and you let him go and listen. It’s nothing you really understand, but you do understand Josselin and Pascal’s friendship now.

It is awesome to listen to someone who’s passionate about something, even if you don’t know what most of it means. He goes for almost an hour before he seems to realize you’ve barely said a word, and his mouth snaps shut. He covers it with one hand.

“Sorry. I’m so sorry. I get like that with languages sometimes.”

“And Zelda games,” you smile. “Don’t apologize. I think your infodumps are awesome.”

Josselin lowers his hand. He jumps when Familiar jumps up on the couch at the same time, smashing her face into his hand. She fumbles back to the floor and jumps up again, curling up between you.

“Thank you,” Josselin says. “I mean that.”

You smile. You pause. Then you ask, “Speaking of, did you mean it? When you offered for the Inspector to join us?”

“Every word,” Josselin said. “I think his job is really holding him back. He could do so much good if he had the right kind of professional support. He’s, like, genius level smart. Analytical, clever, curious. Caring, even if he can be sharp sometimes. But I think it’s the police work that made him that way. Sharp, I mean. But I didn’t know him before, so I can’t say for sure.”

“I’ve never known any cops on a personal level until meeting him,” you say, “but I’m grateful he’s had our backs. My ex and I got the cops called on us for a noise complaint when we were fighting, once, late at night. When they got there I was crying. I’d locked myself in the bedroom. I didn’t even know they were coming until they started banging on the door.”

Josselin’s hand curls in a little tighter on Familiar’s scruff, protective, anxious.

“I heard him talking to someone. I came out of the bedroom and there were three cops there, and in the minute between them getting there and me coming out into the living room, he’d convinced them I was crazy and had threatened to kill myself. Which of course wasn’t true. But he’d shown them my medication bottles, so they believed him. They told me to get my shit together and stop being so dramatic. Then they left.”

Josselin moves his hand from Familiar’s scruff to your knee.

“I’m sorry,” he says gently. “I had a lot of bad run-ins with cops too, after my mom died. Not trouble with the law or anything, but just. Normal autistic kid in the foster system problems. Dona was the only one who ever treated me like I wasn’t just a troublemaker. He recognized I was just a fucked up kid who was trying my best in a system designed to fail.”

You finally meet his eyes and say, “Thank you.”

Puzzle taglist because it’s a substantial chunk: @ohsugarfoot @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @writtendevastation @viskafrer @thelaughingstag @athenswrites @kaiusvnoir @magic-is-something-we-create

Game tags (although anyone, including those above, please feel free to join!): @klywrites @sleepy-night-child @ashen-crest

[ask-darling-xoxo]

🦷YB takes you to your Wisdom Teeth Surgery🦷

—So, I decided to write this for comfort Bc honestly I can see YB taking great care of me in my time of need and also enjoying the fact that I’m relying on him to take care of me—

Not to mention I almost cried when I was being taken to my appointment. I was really stressed out and anxious as it was my very first type of surgery. However, I was very happy and talkative until the pain kicked in but thanks to my medication, I was able to relax and sleep it off.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy! It’s supposed to be sweet on purpose!

———————————————————————

“YB please! I don’t wanna go!” You cried out,as YB tried to get you out of the car, his voice low and soft as he spoke while his hand gently rubbed your arm.”But darling this is for your own oral health..if you don’t get your wisdom teeth out now, they could be a problem later on in the future...you don’t want that happening right?” You shrugged and held your ground, refusing to get out of the car. You couldn’t help but be afraid and anxious of having to be put to sleep while people pull your precious but useless wisdom teeth out. Not only that but the thought of having to deal with the pain after the surgery lingered in your mind...along with not being able to eat solid or acidic foods. Food was so good! How could they take away your precious solid foods!

“Tell you what, after your surgery, I’ll take you out for some ice cream. How’s that sound?” This caught your attention quick as you turned to look at YB. “Really? You’ll do that for me? Take me out for ice cream?” He nodded and ruffled your hair. “Of course darling. I’ll do anything for you if it means you’ll do this surgery.” You pondered about it before sighing. “Okay...I’ll do it...but I want you there with me until I fall asleep please...” You allowed YB to grab your hand as he pulled you up and out of the car. “As you wish love. I’ll talk to them and see if I can get that arranged”

As you walked into the office, YB had you sit down while he went to go talk to the receptionist to let them know you were here for your appointment. The office was nice and cool and very quiet much to you dissatisfaction. The quiet environment only added to your anxiety, your leg bouncing frantically in an attempt to get your mind off of your thoughts. “Good news sweetheart, I’ll be able to sit in the room with you throughout your surgery.” YB said as he sat next to you and rubbed his thumb over your hand. You couldn’t help but throw yourself onto his lap, your hands grabbing at his sweater vest. He didn’t seem to mind though and rubbed your back soothingly. “It’s okay darling. You’re not gonna feel a thing while you’re under anesthesia okay? Everything is gonna be fine” You tried your best to believe him, but you just couldn’t help but overthink it. There were a million things that could go wrong and you were thinking of every single one of them.

YB must’ve known you were overthinking, his hands carefully grabbing your face and making you look at him. “Look at me sweetheart, as long as you’re with me, I will always make sure you’re safe and healthy. I’ll be there the ENTIRE time. I won’t leave your side” You gave a small smile until the doctor called your name. “Y/n? Come with me please.” You clutched YB’s sweater tightly in your hands, refusing to get up yet again. YB simply picked you up and followed the doctor into the room where he then placed you onto the cold, reclined chair. He stepped away to go sit down but your hands remained tightened on his sweater vest. He hated seeing you so afraid and anxious but he was definitely loving your needy and dependent attitude. “Y/n dear, you’re gonna have to let go. The doctors need to be able to do surgery without you holding onto me” You whimpered and let go. “I’m scared YB. I’m not ready” The doctor overheard you as they stepped into the room. “Sir, we need them to be as relaxed as they can possibly be. Can they settle for hand holding?” You gave a fast nod of your head and immediately reached your hand out to YB. “Please. Please hold my hand YB” YB didn’t hesitate as he grabbed the little rolling chair and sat next to you, his hand intertwining with yours. He reassured you with sweet words that you’d be okay throughout the doctors preparing to do the surgery. It wasn’t until they placed the IV in your arm with the anesthesia that you were struggling to stay awake.

You were trying so hard to fight against it and stay awake. “I don’t...I don’t wanna sleep...I wanna...be awake with you” YB shushed you and kissed your forehead. “Don’t fight it darling, just let it do it’s job. The surgery will be done before you know it” YB rubbed your hand with his thumb soothingly as you gave in, your eyes closing. The last thing you heard was YB, “sleep well darling, I’ll see you when you wake up”

When you finally woke up, everything felt numb and everything was blurry as you looked around. YB noticed you were fully awake as he scooted closer to your side. “Heyyyy sweetheart! How’re you feeling?” You took a moment to respond, your eyes trying to focus on his face. Your speech was slurred as you happily squealed and reached out to grab him. “YBBBBB!! You’reee hereeee awwww I love you so muchhh!” He leaned forward and allowed you to grab his face, your hands squishing his cheeks. “I love you so much too sweetheart. Do you wanna leave for some ice cream now?” Your eyes widened and you threw your hands up dramatically, “ICE CREAM!!!! I want it! Cant wait to stuff my face with ice creammmn” YB smiled at your happy attitude. “Alright sweetheart just gimme a second to get the doctor.” Once the doctor was there to help, YB and the doctor pulled you up to your feet and helped you to YB’s care where he buckled you in and made sure you were nice and comfy.

“Alright darling let’s go get you some ice cream and then have you change out your gauze.” You looked at him confused “Gauzeee???” He couldn’t help but snort at you, the way you were trying to speak with your cheeks full of gauze was funny and so dearly cute to him. He even took a video of you once you were at home inside his apartment trying to stuff your mouth with ice cream. “Slow down darling, you don’t wanna cause yourself any pain.” YB explained as he was reading the directions from the doctor. “Hmm...says here you might not wanna eat...” YB looked up to see your eyes glossy and teary as your sniffled and whined. You had tried to eat the ice cream but due to your dry sockets still being sensitive, they did not like the cold feel. “Awww sweetheart! I told you to slow down and be careful!”

After the unsuccessful attempt to have you eat ice cream, YB instead had you take your medicine and settle down in bed. “Alright darling, your medication is gonna make you sleepy so how about—“ you didn’t give him time to finish as you laid your head on his chest, your cheek pressed flush against YB’s nice and cool chest. He was so cold it felt good...”I...love you...please take care of me and love me” you slurred out. YB smiled, his hands massaging your backside to help you fall asleep.

“I’ll always take care of you and love you. I love you too much not to y/n...”

[agathasangel]

you just don’t know it yet but baby, i’ve already got your heart (diane sherman x fem!reader NSFW)

both an anon and @magnifique-monstre  requested yandere prompt 6 and 17 (i think?) so I’m gonna combine them because they would go together well

prompt 6: “Pretend you never saw that. I can’t stand it when you look so scared.”

prompt 17: “I’m the only thing keeping you safe from a filthy, disgusting world.”

warnings: everything, basically. it’s pretty fucked up actually. TW for drugging, stalking, dubcon, emetophobia warning (just one mention), kidnapping, etc. also teacher!diane

summary: Diane Sherman was your Professor, and then your girlfriend, and then your caretaker. As the days start to become hazy and mixed up with one another, you wonder if Diane is trustworthy. 

Every day was basically the same. Wake up, take your meds, have breakfast with Diane. Then you would either accompany Diane to school or she would take you to the doctor’s or sometimes, if you felt up to it, she would take you on some sort of outing. She never liked to leave you alone and protectively followed you nearly everywhere you went. She took you home, and you would rest by her as she worked on her grading. At night Diane would make dinner for the two of you, the two of you would relax together, she would make sure you took the medication you needed at night and then you fell asleep in her arms.

It was nice. But you noticed that you started to forget things. You sometimes forgot how you even knew Diane, you even forgot your whole life before you met her at times. You were supposed to be on medical leave for a semester, which turned into a whole year, and- how long has it been now? You had no idea. You thought it was still summer, but the days started to blur together. The next year may have started, you had no way of knowing. Diane taught year round, so you went to school with her either way.

You remembered how everything started, though. You were a freshman, and you had moved across the country for college. You felt alone, and scared. You took a Chemistry class because you had to take some sort of science course, and it was the only one available when you signed up. You dreaded going, until you saw Professor Sherman. You struggled a bit in the class, so you went to her office hours. It was also a good excuse to talk to her, you thought. 

She was a lot nicer than some of your other professors, and she helped you through the problems you struggled with.

“You know, students don’t usually like to come to my office hours, so feel free to show up whenever you need me. Alright, hon?”

“Of course. Thanks, Professor.”

How did it turn into this?

Oh, right. You and Diane started to get closer, and you started to come down with lots of rashes, general pains, and you started getting sick to your stomach more and more. 

One day, you emailed Diane to tell her you couldn’t make it to her lab because you had thrown up that morning, to which she responded by asking what dorm you were in and if you needed anything.

It might be nice if you could bring me some saltines or something to settle my stomach? I have nothing in my dorm and can’t really stand up yet. Don’t worry about it though. I don’t want to get you sick, and are you even allowed in the dorms?

- (y/n)

I’ll be fine, and it really isn’t a big deal. We’re both adults, and I just want to help you.

- thinking of you, Prof. Diane Sherman

Next thing you remember, Diane showed up to your dorm a few minutes after your lab would have ended and brought not just crackers, but ginger ale, soup, water, blankets, and several different medicines. You talked for a while too, but couldn’t for the life of you remember what about. But you did remember that she stayed with you as long as you needed her, and promised to come back if you needed it.

You didn’t get better. You managed to get through your finals and pass your first semester classes, but you ended up having to spend much of Winter break in the hospital. Your parents came to visit, as did Diane. Diane actually came back every day, making sure you were okay.

You remembered that because of the silver necklace Diane gave you that Christmas that you still wore every single day. You felt bad when you got it because you didn’t think to get her a gift, but she told you not to worry about that, this was just a little thing that made her think of you. Besides, you were in the hospital!

“You know (y/n), I don’t have anyone else to visit over the holidays. I’m glad I get to be with you. I just wish it were under better circumstances.”

You started feeling a bit better and were able to come back for your second semester classes. You didn’t have Diane as a professor anymore, but you started to become friends. You would get coffee, or dinner. One night she asked you to come home with her, and be her girlfriend, to which you immediately agreed.

You slowly spent fewer nights at your dorm and more nights with Diane, and then you got sick again.  After that, she convinced you to move in with her full-time, and you’ve been living in her house and sleeping in her bed ever since. 

Right now, you were sitting in Diane’s and your bed, as she made dinner. You struggled to remember what happened next. This was when everything started to blend together. Your illnesses worsened even more shortly after you moved in with Diane. You remember being confined to the very same bed as Diane helped you do your finals from home, as she explained the situation to your parents and easily charmed them, convincing them you were in great hands.

“(Y/n), time for dinner!”, Diane called. She then walked to the bedroom to check if you needed any help.

“I’m fine, actually. I’ve been feeling a little better.”

“Good. Such a brave, good girl. Now eat up, alright baby?” cooed the older woman as she led you to the table and sat you down.

“Well, physically I’ve been feeling better, but-”

“What? What’s wrong? Have I not been paying enough attention to you? Are you feeling sad? anxious? My poor baby-”

“No, none of that. I’ve just been- forgetting things. Like, big chunks. My memories are so foggy. It’s hard for me to think at all sometimes.”

“Oh, honey, that’s just a side effect of your medication. It’s okay, it won’t last forever. And I’ll help you fill in any gaps you need until then. But you don’t need to worry. Not when you’re with me. Okay angel?”

“Yes, Mommy.”

“Oh, we’re in that kind of mood, are we?”

“Is that okay?”

“Very, very, okay, little one.”

Mommy was what you called Diane most often during sex. It turned her on immensely, and it excited you as well. 

Diane grabbed you and brought you to the bed, tearing off your clothes.

“Are you still feeling good?”

“Yes Mommy.”

“Such a good girl for me. Such a good girl for Mommy.”

You spread your legs for her and she started touching you. But then-

“Mommy stop please. I can’t do this, Diane-”

“Alright. I’m sorry, I’ll go get your meds.

Diane went to the bathroom to get your meds and sleep aids.

“D-Diane?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Why can’t I remember things? I can’t even remember some things about my family.”

“A side effect of some of your medication sweetie. I told you that.”

“You did?”

“Yes. I will tell you this, my love. People have hurt you, in your past. I remember when we met you were having such a difficult time. You wanted friends, you had so much trouble making friends. The other students were so mean to you. Your parents they- they acted like having to come see you when you were in the hospital was some kind of inconvenience. It was awful. You were so lonely.”

“I know I was lonely.”

“Yes, sweetheart. You needed someone. You needed me. I have to be the one to take care of you. I am the only person that can love the way you deserve to be loved. I’m the only thing keeping you safe from a filthy, disgusting world. And I need you too. I need to love and protect you.”

“Yes, Diane. I need to sleep now.”

“Alright. Come here, darling,” said Diane. She held you until you fell asleep.

Next thing you knew, you were tied to the pole in the basement with several ropes. Diane was tying more and more ropes around you, around different parts of your body. The world felt heavy, blurry, fluid. 

“Please stop, Diane. Why are you doing this?”

“It’s for your own good, darling. Trust me. You need this.”

The ropes began to cover your entire body. Your face, eyes, neck. Especially your neck. There was a sharp sting on your neck.

Your eyes flew open, and you awoke in a cold sweat, and screamed. 

It was just a dream, I’m safe, thank God. Diane would never-

But then you noticed Diane. She was holding a small syringe, that seemed empty. And your neck stung. She was startled by your scream, clearly not expecting you to have woken up.

“Pretend you never saw that. I can’t stand it when you look so scared.”

“What did you do to me? What was in there, Diane?”

“You need it, sweetheart. I know you don’t like needles.”

“No. Why didn’t you tell me? What’s going on?”

“You need this. You need me. Your-”

You searched for the syringe and found it. There was a thick, black residue on it, and you sniffed it. It gave you a head rush.

“You’ve been drugging me. This is why I’ve forgotten things, isn’t it?”

“Come on, angel. You know I wouldn’t”

“But-”

“Don’t worry, just go back to sleep.”

You did feel tired. So tired. And you couldn’t even remember what you and Diane were even fighting about. So you went to sleep in her arms.

The next morning, Diane made you breakfast. 

“How did you sleep, (y/n)?”

“I don’t know. I think I had a nightmare but I can’t remember-”

“Oh no! At least you can’t remember it, right?”

“I- I guess so.”

Diane felt relief that you didn’t remember what happened last night. Her plan was working. You would be hers, her precious girl, forever. All that work to find you, to make you trust her, making you sick, making you need her. She knew everything about you. You were her perfect girl, and she was yours. And you always would be.

[1plus1kiyoomi]

Chapter 6: Fight or Flght Response

[prev] [next]

[masterlist]

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warnings: mentions of sex and pretty much a toxic relationship

Morning comes and Kuroo wakes up with a headache. Eyes still closed, he taps on the other side of the bed, his hands looking for your body. “Love?” He groans. “Love, can you bring me some medication? My head hurts.”

Kuroo falls asleep once again and then wakes up an hour later. He sits up, his head ringing. “(Y/N)? Love?” He leaves the bed and doesn’t feel any presence of you in the house. “Oh, it’s 9AM. She must be at work already.”

Well, Kuroo’s not wrong. You are at your office but you aren’t working. You’re weeping at your table because you can’t seem to get rid of Kuroo’s words to his friends.

“So (Y/N) and I are trying to work our marriage out for a year, and she’s taking it way too seriously. While I can’t even look at her face! She messages me all the time about where I am, what I’m doing and all of that. She begs me to go on dates and nags at me if I miss it. I want to tell her off sometimes, but she’s a really good fuck. Like she’s amazing in bed and she lets me have it anytime so yeah. I guess it’s worth to stay.”

It keeps repeating in your head like a broken track. And your tears run down your cheeks and you know it won’t stop for a while. You stand from your desk and move to the little bedroom that is in your office. You lay on the bed and bury your face on the pillow.

The moment you heard his words come of his lips last night, you wanted to slap him hard, beat him up, tear his hair off his head, but you couldn’t. You were glued on the wooden floor of Kenma’s house, not able to believe Kuroo could say that. Your heart shattered into pieces that couldn’t be even counted.

But still, you went home with him. Even slept with him.

If your friends, especially Iwaizumi, find out about this, they’ll definitely tell you to leave him. No excuses. And you don’t want to leave Kuroo.

“Where did I go wrong? Is it because I’m ugly?” You take your phone out and open the camera app. “Very ugly right now. This is why he doesn’t want me to post anything about our relationship.”

Someone knocks on your office door so you wipe your tears quickly and open the Netflix app so you can pretend that you’ve been watching a sad movie this whole time.

“(Y/N)? The flowers are here,” Terushima says as he enters your office. “Why are you crying?”

Speaking of Terushima, he and Kuroo have become friends after their fight. When Kuroo picks you up sometimes and Terushima’s also there, you always find the two talking about hair. The blonde even goes to your place sometimes so he can style Kuroo’s hair. It’s their form of bonding so you really don’t have a say about it.

“This drama is just so sad,” you lie, showing him the screen of your phone that is playing a random sad movie.

“I didn’t know you were the type to cry cause of movies,” the blonde chuckles. “Anyways, fix yourself. Because we will be decorating a big function room starting this afternoon.”

“I almost forgot. The client wanted all real flowers right?” You sigh and sit up from your bed. ‘No time for crying. You’re a busy woman.’

“Yeah, so we have to make sure that the flowers will not wither tomorrow,” Terushima confirms.

You brush your issue with Kuroo under the rag and focus on your work instead.

Evening comes quickly and it’s finally time for your team to set up at the function hall. You had to wait until late evening to start since there was an event beforehand. The bestman of the wedding, Yuta, joined your team as the supervisor.

While you are setting up on the stage, you can feel your workmates throwing weird looks at you. “What?” You raise an eyebrow at them and one of your colleagues walks up to you.

“The best man has been staring at you ever since we got her,” she whispers with a teasing smirk. You roll your eyes at her and brush it off.

It’s always like this. At every event, your colleagues ships you with every best man or groomsman that shows interest towards you. They don’t know you’re actually married and think you’re single so they tease you. In hopes that you finally get to plan your own wedding. Sadly, you already are married and no wedding will take place.

You take a glance at the said man and he is staring at you, but not in a creepy way. As soon as you make eye contact, he smiles at you. You swear your heart skips a beat but at the same time you will never admit that it did.

“Miss (L/N)?” Yuta calls you out of nowhere. Surprised by his sudden presence, you fall on the ladder you are on and land on top of him.

‘What in the drama is this?!’

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” You push yourself off of the man quickly and bow repeatedly.

“It’s alright! It’s my fault for surprising you.” Yuta stands up as well and when your eyes meet, you burst into laughter. “You’re much prettier up close.”

“So you’re the straightforward type, huh?” You let out a chuckle and he smirks at you. “I thought you’d be a shy one since you have been just staring until now.”

“Well, since you think I’m the straightforward type, let me ask you. Are you single?” Yuta smiles at you shyly this time and you feel your cheeks burn hot.

‘You’re married, (Y/N)! Don’t even think about flirting back.’ You mentally scold yourself and look away from the man beside you. “Find out yourself.”

The glamorous wedding finally ends and it was one of the best weddings you have every coordinated. The couple is so in love with each other and they are surrounded by supportive family and friends. The guests were very uplifting and fun in general. You even made friends with some of the guests and have gotten closer to Yuta.

“Thank you for planning our wedding. This is such a dream come true!” The bride thanks you with a bow. You bow back and say your thanks as well. “And Yuta’s a good boy.” The bride winks at you before she and groom leaves.

“(Y/N)!” Speaking of the devil.

“Yuta!” You wave at him. He runs towards you and pants when he’s finally in front with you. “Can I help you with something?”

“Do you have a drive home?” He asks you so you shake your head no. You’re just being honest. “Can I drive you to your place?”

“My place is just a 10-minute walk from here, so it’s okay,” you reply. You check the time and it’s already past midnight. “I have to go now. It’s really late. Bye!”

“I’ll walk with you!” Yuta offers. “I won’t take no for an answer.”

“Okay, then. Whatever makes you sleep at night,” you joke and he just laughs.

The two of you walk home and Yuta shares random stories about his childhood. You like it. You like how he is open to you without you trying. You like how he’s initiating first. You like how gentle he is when he is talking to you. You like how he softly calls your name. You like how he’s not hiding that he’s interested in you. But you hate how you want Kuroo to be like that towards you. You hate how you’re still thinking about him.

Kuroo’s words come crashing into your mind again and you badly want to take Yuta’s hand and ask him to bring you home. But your mind is also telling you to come home quickly to Kuroo, even if you know he won’t be waiting for you.

“I’m here!” You say as you arrive in front of your condominium building. “Thank you for walking me.”

“No problem.” Yuta scratches the back of his neck. A change of demeanor happens, and Yuta becomes shy. “Can I get your number? I want to tak-”

“(Y/N)!”

Your world freezes as you hear Kuroo’s voice. It’s 1AM. Why the hell is he outside your building as well? You turn your head see him glaring at you with his arms crossed.

‘What do I do? Kuroo might misunderstand! And I can’t tell Yuta that Kuroo is my husband because he wants to keep our relationship a secret. Oh my gosh! What to do?’

You’re panicking. Your whole system is. You can feel your fingers tremble. Kuroo is walking towards the two of you and is already so close but you still don’t know what to do and say. The particles in your container are bouncing on the walls of your space rapidly because of pressure, and it’s making your mind go blank. Your fight or flight response is not functioning well.

Kuroo has been waiting for you at your building’s lobby since 10PM. He was waiting for your message about him picking you up at the hotel, but clearly you forgot about that. He thought you forgot because of fatigue but clearly that’s not the case.

Especially now that a man he has never seen before walked you back to your place.

“Who’s this?” Yuta and Kuroo ask in unison. Yuta glares at Kuroo, not liking how provocative the guy looks. Your husband raises an eyebrow at Yuta, his feline-like eyes glaring back at the unfamiliar guy.

“Kuroo, this is my friend Yuta,” you start to introduce but they aren’t even listening to you. They’re in this staring contest you don’t know about.

“And Yuta, this is Kuroo, my brother.”

——————————————————————————

Facts:

Your reactions when you are nervous are driven by the production of hormones and equip us to fight or escape from situations that are dangerous or threatening. This is known as the fight or flight response.

Nervousness can cause stuttering and rambling.

Anxiety may be partly genetic.

People who are anxious are quicker to pick up on changes in facial expressions than those who are but they are less accurate. Thus, it causes misunderstandings.

Taglist: @postsfromthe6 @elianetsantana @chaelysian @kiyobbie @lilxstan @moonlightaangel @oh-hey-its-a-simp @kellesvt @lifeisnotdiajoubu @starry-magicshop @stantalentstanunderratedgroups @mint-mai @torilovestowrite @faithmoonxd @agaashesmilktea @birdiewolf @yeibuub @maitenight @ashhhh26 @kageyamasgirl @tnu-ree @avatarkyoshithewarrior @kurokawa-aida @dabisdominion @chanayah @sevenseoul @marissaraeblr @amlnadya @weebintheinternet @shizukusimp @madmelle @soullesstaco @merrdlp @kouholic @kiyoomi-channie @kageyuh @kaachanultra @sabzhabib @134340-cm @toripersonalacc​ @itsimjaebeomsforehead @todobruhski  @graykageyama @coconut-dreamz @rienin @dawnsbaby @kagebunshiin  @heavenini @d-efend

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi Steph! Would you happen to have any fic recs that involve John meeting the Holmes family? I always think that's such an interesting dynamic to see! Also, I think this goes without saying but I love your blog and appreciate your contributions to the fandom! Thanks!

Hey Nonny!

Ah, thank you! I’m glad you enjoy my blog!

Oooo! Yes, I love that dynamic too!! ANNNNND!!! You’re giving me the chance to make a part 2 for a REALLY OLD LIST!!! So YAY!!! I found a bunch on a text doc I haven’t posted yet, so HERE WE GO! Hope you enjoy, and as always, everyone please add your own!

PARENTS AND FAMILIES Pt. 2

See also: 

Parents & Family

Meeting the Family With a Fake Relationship

Do You Love Me? by whitchry9 (K, 641 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Family, Epic Bromance) – John asks Sherlock perhaps the most important question.

Once Upon A Time by ProfessorSquirrell (T, 908 w., 1 Ch. || Family, Snippets of Life, Romance, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Implied Drug Use, Angst with Happy Ending) – There is a room in Sherlock's mind palace where nothing gets deleted. And it looks like this...

Crisis Averted by Spartangal22 (T, 2,188 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Fic, Missing Scene After Confronting Mary, Canon Compliant, Sherlock Whump / Mary Shot Sherlock, Family / Friendship, Hospitalization, Sherlock POV, Holmes Brothers) – Lying in the hospital, Sherlock receives some surprising visitors, and manages to deal with two problems he's been having lately. A missing scene from HLV about a formal introduction that was never made and a visit that was never shown.

The Only Available Transportation by blueink3 (T, 5,379 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Sherlock, Caring John, Parentlock, Sherlock’s Birthday, Family, Misunderstandings) – It’s possibly the desperation that’s seeped into his voice despite his best intentions, or perhaps it’s just a mother’s intuition, but she knows that whatever he’s calling about is Serious, hangover be damned. “What’s happened?” she asks, tone soft and as comforting as a hot cup of tea on a cold winter’s night. “Mummy,” he begins, voice catching. “I think John may be moving out.”

On the Steadfast Approach of an Oncoming Darkness by 2bee (T, 7,772 w., 1 Ch. || Apocalypse, Minor Character Death, Sort of Parentlock) – The world is ending. Not fast, but slowly, like falling asleep with a fever.

The Name Game by ItsClydeBitches221B (K, 8,958 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Family, Platonics / Friendship, Sort-of Parentlock, John/Mary, Mary is Nice, Five and Ones, Baby Watson, Mycroft Loves Baby Watson) – The names that baby girl Watson comes up with for her extended family. Or: how everyone—Watsons, Holmes, and others alike— just learned to give up and embrace their weirdness.

The Burning of the Leaves by blueink3 (M, 15,915 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Angst, Reichenbach, Parentlock, Past Jolto, Idiot John, Sherlock’s a Mess, Puppies, Fluff, Possessive / Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, Matchmaker Sholto, Melancholic Feelings, Emotional Sherlock, Domesticity, Love Confessions in the Rain, Kissing in the Rain, Pet Names) – After the events of series 4, Major Sholto invites John and Sherlock to lunch one day. It nearly proves to be too much for their tenuous relationship as the past haunts the present, putting the future that Sherlock so desperately wants at risk.

Permanent Fixture by vitruvianwatson (E, 18,836 w., 9 Ch. || Post-S4, Parentlock, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, They’re Good Parents, Blushing Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Explicit Consent, Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Big Feelings, Crying, First Kiss, Fluff, Anxious Sherlock, Inexperienced Sherlock, Emotional Communication, Love Confessions) – Now, as Rosie sat curled up against Sherlock’s side, John watched and wondered exactly how he had ended up here. Domesticity had never suited him before, not at any point in his life. His disastrous marriage had been proof of that. But somehow, here in the warmth and safety of 221B Baker Street, here with Sherlock Holmes reading medical jargon to his daughter, Sherlock’s bony feet nudging against his leg, John couldn’t imagine anyplace that would make him happier.

Dropping the Act by jadztone (T, 27,258 w., 10 Ch. || Parentlock, Fake Relationship, Mary’s Family, Post-S4, Cuddling & Snuggling, Bed Sharing, Pining, Christmas) – Sherlock and John are quite happy living together with Rosie in Baker St. They might be even happier if they didn’t act towards each other like their love is only platonic. Mycroft brings troubling news in the form of Mary’s parents wanting to know just what their grandchild’s home life is like. The boys decide to spend Christmas pretending like they are in love in order to seem more like a "normal" family. It's easy enough to pretend when all you're doing is dropping the act.

An Acquired Taste by kinklock (E, 31,059 w., 4 Ch. || Vampires AU || Vampire Sherlock, Misunderstandings, Bat!Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Humour, Magical Realism, Fluff and Angst, Blood Drinking, Holmes Family, Slow Burn) – At Montague Street when Sherlock was forced to sate his body’s needs, he was at least able to wander about the flat as much as he pleased. At Baker Street, it was mini-bags in a mini-fridge and bedroom confinement.

Chaperones by MissDavis (T, 34,114 w., 7 Ch. || 11 Years Post-S4, Fake Relationship, Parentlock, Disney World, Bed / Room Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fluff, First Kiss, Obsessive Sherlock, Insecure John) – Right. Of course. Everyone assumed they were a couple and no one would question it. John put his elbows up on the table so he could rest his head in his hands. "You want to pretend to be a couple so we can chaperone a trip to Disney World with Rosie's class and you won't have to share a room with a stranger?" "Exactly." Sherlock beamed at him. "Don't worry about the cost. The Birmingham case last month paid more than enough to cover expenses for all three of us."

Where The Ghosts Have Voices by HappyJuicyfruit (M, 37,691 w., 12 Ch. || Supernatural AU || Ghosts, Magical Realism, Light Horror, Fluff and Smut, John Can See Ghosts, John Whump, Emotional Manipulation, Dark Magic, Coma, Injury Recovery, Blow Jobs, Anal, Happy Ending, John’s Past, Mr Holmes, Powerful John, Holmes Brothers, Sherlock’s Past, Past Viclock, Drug Abuse, Hair Pulling) – John has lived his whole life as an outcast. It is only when he meets Sherlock, that be realizes being a freak might not be such a bad thing, and that the curse he has lived with his whole life may be a gift after all. (TO READ)

Anchor Point by trickybonmot (E, 49,856 w., 80 Ch. || Truman Show AU || Psychological Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Dark Characters / Fic, Alternating First/Third Person, Protective John, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Tender Moments, Love Confessions, Hand/Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Jealous John, First Kiss/Time) – The world tunes in nightly for Sherlock, the ultimate in reality TV: Sherlock Holmes, a real person with a legendary name, unknowingly lives out his life in a staged setting contrived by his brother. Things get complicated when a retired army doctor joins the show to play the part of Sherlock's closest friend. This fic borrows its concept from the 1998 film, the Truman Show. However, you don't need to have any knowledge of the movie to enjoy this story.

The Hollow Woman by ScopesMonkey (M, 51,335 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Major Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Friendship, Family, Angst, Crime, Reunion, First Kiss / Time, Nightmares, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Jealous John, BAMF John, Angry John, Dub-Con, Rough Sex, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Villain Mary, Open Ending) – Forced to return to London sooner than expected, Sherlock falls into a case too close to home. Part 1 of the Hollowverse series

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) –  A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”  

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Flashbacks, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock’s Past, Awkward Conversations, Anxious Sherlock) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

The Wedding Garments by cwb (E, 105,390 w., 36 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Alternate Future AU || Alternate First Meeting, Dating / Arranged Marriages, Romance, First Kiss/Time, Heavy Petting, Cuddles, POV Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn / Falling in Love / Dev. Rel., Nervous/Anxious Sherlock, Jealous/Cranky, Hiking, Vacation Homes / Honeymoon, Sherlock’s Family, Horny John/Sherlock, Patient John, Massages, Hand Jobs, Assassination Plots, Hand Jobs / Oral Sex, Case Fic, Emotional Love Making, Bath Time Fun) – This is the story of a young consulting detective who wants nothing to do with marriage and an army doctor who wants to find true love. It's 2020 post-Brexit England and the British government is encouraging arranged marriages. Candidates meet through state-run agencies and date in hopes of finding love (and tax benefits). Sherlock doesn't need or want a spouse, at least not until John Watson shows up. Hesitant to give in to his more carnal urges because of the way they derail his mind, how will Sherlock progress toward the more intimate aspects of a relationship? The answer lies in a very special wedding gift.

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w., 37 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by ShirleyCarlton  (M, 144,688 w., 40 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending) – Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

[lunaekalenda]

hi!! can i ask for either an eren or porco x reader fic where their titan form saves you from nearly dying during a battle and they get mad at you afterwards because they’re obviously not gonna be there all the time then when you apologize they end up breaking down because their afraid of losing you and it just ends in fluff 👉🏻👈🏻

OMG OMG wait this is gold!! that was a really good plot!! i had a hard time deciding, but i'm more into porco lately, so this time i'll be using him for my first fic! i hope you like it and sorry for the errors or the things that were different to the original ask :(  (*´-`) this takes place in one of the battles Marley fights against another enemy, but I will not follow the line of the original manga :D (also thanks to @breathes24 for refreshing my memory :D)

𝔰𝔞𝔳𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔶𝔬𝔲

❁ porco x reader

❁ mention of blood and battle, mention of the extraction of a bullet, bad talking. shingeki s4 spoilers!

The only thing you could hear were shots. You kept running, your feet hurted and the backpack was really heavy. Running in the middle of the battlefield was a suicide mission, you knew it, but you were not going to leave all in Pieck's and Porco's hands. So, trying to avoid the shots, you keep runing. You can see Pieck's bag shooting and Porco running from one machine to another, trying to break them with his hardened claws. You look around, the corpses of your companions scattered across the field, along with some enemies. You try to concentrate in what you’re trying to do. The kids are safe in the trench, and you’re not a soldier of valor, you only have nursing knowledge, useless for the fight.

That’s why the commander has not hesitated to send you as a distraction.

“If you expose yourself as an easy target, they will probably have to divide their attention between them and you. Also, they know there are nine Changing Titans, but they don’t know exactly how many of them we have. They could think you’re one of them. That will make Zeke’s appearance more unexpected for them, you see?”

"Where the hell is Zeke?" you think. He should be here helping, a lot of eldians have died. a scream is heard and you identify it as a Titan's one. Pieck received a shot on her hand. She's losing her strength little by little. Porco keeps fighting, and Pieck’s support soldiers do a great job mastering the cannons, trying to hit the enemies. Reiner is trying to stop their train.

"Just wait a bit, guys. I'm almost there..." you enter the enemy side of the field. Your trench looks empty, because your army blindly believes in titans. But, like humans, their stamina is limited, and transforming takes a great deal of energy.

"There's one of them!!" someone yells in front of you. "She could be the Beast Titan, kill her before she reaches the other two!" all the soldiers can be heard loading their shotguns. 

The first shot impacts on the floor. The second, near you. You just have an option: keep running, faster.

You accelerate the step to the front, where big war machines are searching you. From the trench, a lot of soldiers are trying to kill you, failing due to the poor visibility they have, but it's a matter of time before those who run the tanks finds you.

This is the end.

The shots are every time more precise, but you can’t return and leave them alone, waiting for Zeke to make his appearance.

You have no scape.

You close your eyes, accepting the destiny, while you keep running. You can hear them charging their big machines. They found you.

You’re their target now.

A Titan's scream is heard, right before the order of the enemy captain.

"Fire!"

You open your eyes when a shot impacts on your leg, and you watch how they charge the canons, ready to kill you. Now you have zero scape way, you’re hurt and you can’t move.

Suddenly, the Jaw Titan appears and, opening his mouth, picks you up off the ground, locking you in his hardened jaw. His speed of movement allows him to easily dodge all shots. 

"Thanks, Pock."

A tremor and the sound of lightning tells that Zeke has already arrived to help.

He keeps runing, and then all you can hear are rocks hitting people, trains and houses. Zeke’s titan may be slow for running, but his pitches are deadly. Your leg hurts where the bullet went through, and the pants you’re using are covered with blood. 

“Just leave me here and return. I don’t want them to lose because of me.”

He ignored what you said and kept running, but slowing down. Probably he’s tired, he has been fighting for hours. 

Once you two are far enough from the battlefield, Porco turns right and you recognize the path he has been taking. We’re close to the residence. He opens his mouth and you go down to the floor, but your leg complains of the roughness of the movement. Then, his Titan falls, and he appears behind it. He seems angry.

"What the hell were you doing there?" he says. His Titan is steaming. 

"I wanted to help you, you were doing all the work... The commander told me to help and I thought it was a good idea." Porco looks at you without saying anything for a minute. Then, he sighs and looks at your bleeding leg, before coming towards you. His arm slips under your knees carefully, and the other rests on your back, before he lifts you. “I can walk, you don’t have to...”

“You have a fucking bullet inside, just take help for one damn time.” You decided to shut up and he enters the residence. “I have some medical stuff in my room, I’ll take you there.” He starts to walk up the stairs, heading to his room. There are a few doctors on their daily check of the injured soldiers that live here. He opens his door using his foot, and he enters. His room is clean and clear. Natural light comes in through the window, and a bedside lamp lights up the corner of hi bed. He leaves you in the bed before walking to his personal bathroom, from where he takes a medicine cabinet. Porco drags a chair to place it near the bed, making him able to treat your leg. He hasn’t talk since we arrived here, but he keeps frowning. 

“We didn’t need help” He says after cutting your pants at the height of the wound. Then, Porco opens the medicine cabinet, and takes out thread, needle and some surgical tweezers. The scalpel glows when he pulls it out.

“Maybe this hurts a bit.” He whispers. He prepares also a towel with some water. “Grab that pillow and use it to muffle your screams.” You do what he said, and you put his pillow on your face. It smells like him, and it comforts you a lot. He works fast, moving his fingers with precision, and extracting the bullet without problem. Once he’s finished, he saves everything back in place and offers you a glass of water. You’re dizzy from the pain and you needed to drink, so you thank him and drink.

“Do it slow or you’ll be feeling worst, idiot.” he scolds tou. You drink it slower and you take a breath once you’re finished.

“Thanks” He puts the glass on the table he has as a desk. 

“Well, I...”

“You could have died out there” he says. He’s not looking at you, and runs his hand through his hair. “You were about to die.”

“Thanks for that, you saved me”

“I’m not going to last forever, you know? Someday I’ll die, and I’m not going to be there to save you like all the other times. So start thinking about surviving and stop playing the heroine.”

“Sorry?”

Why was he so pissed off? You didn’t ask for his help.

“I don't have to take care of you every time we go out onto the battlefield”

“Stop doing it, then”

“It's called companionship, but it only works if everyone focuses on surviving and not in saving stupid death-hugging soldiers”

“I never asked you to save me.” The words come out on their own before you could stop them. That was very rude, you’re ungrateful. He looks at you in the eyes, but you can't tell how he feels. 

“Cool, next time I'll take care of my business and let you die, if that’s what you want.”

He’s hurt. You hurt him because you were getting nervous. 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean anything that I said. I was getting anxious...”

He sighs. “I also talked badly to you.”

“But you’re right. I can’t survive by myself.” 

“I didn’t mean to say that.” His voice is losing strength, and his gaze is lowered. “It’s just... I thought that today I was losing you, I was not going to be able to arrive on time” his voice breaks while he talks. “I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to you”

You looked at him surprised. “To me? Who cares about me? Maybe it’s because we trained together since kids.” You think for yourself, before speaking.

“Well, I know you care for all of us, but Pock yo...”

“You’re not getting it.” He says. Then he leans over to the bed. “I care for you. I care a lot. I can’t imagine if something bad happens to you. I’m always near in case I have to help you. I can only thing about your wellness.” His brown eyes are fixed on yours. “Please, don’t do that again.” His eyes are getting wet. “Just the idea of losing you terrifies me.” His hand sits on your back, and draws you to him. You’re speechless.

You have always been interested in Porco. When you first met him, you thought he was really handsome, and his personality made you think of him as unattainable. You two have been training together since kids. He was really good in all skills, and you were really bad. He helped you a couple times, but you ended in the nursery school. You started to lose contact, but then he inherited the Jaw Titan and wasn’t sent to Paradis, so you both coincide again. He is a man now, even more attractive than before, but with a somewhat shocking personality. So listen him saying this things makes your heart shudder.

“Pock, I...”

“I like you. Well, I think this is no more just attraction.” he whispers. “I guess I’m in love with you.”

That hit you like a train. His love for you was behind all the times he saved you, the times he helped you and the times he reprimanded you. He was moved by love, genuine concern. 

“Are you crying?” he separates you from his body to look at your face. Tears roll down your cheeks fast. Porco places his hands on both sides of your face, dabbing them dry with his thumbs. Your hands are placed on top of his, and you lean your head towards his touch. 

“I also love you, Pock” he smiles before kissing your forehead. “Since we were kids”

“You know that if you had said it before, I would have corresponded long ago” you laugh quietly, his thumbs tracing circles on your skin. “I can’t promise you a long life together, but if you accept the little that I can offer, I’ll be delighted to be with you.”

His lips place a soft kiss on your hair and you hug him.

“I will be happy to be with you, Pock.”

The room was silent, and you could only listen to his heartbeat, slow, because he has you on his arms, alive. You look at him, his handsome face looking you.

“Does that mean I can ask you to going out later” he laughs.

“I just took out a bullet from your leg, you have to rest.” you smirk.

“I live in the other part of the city. I can’t walk.”

“I’ll call a horse cart for you.”

He was having fun, dodging every possible way to spend time together that night.

“What if my leg hurts? I live alone.” you tried and, for your surprise, he smiled.

“Then I guess you need someone to take care of you tonight...”

His lips covered yours sweetly, and you thought you could get used to it.

To him.