#i’ve prepared for this sound of music analysis my whole life

[gothicfairytopia]

How act two of The Sound of Music might foreshadow Good Omens season three ~

I was reading this post about Aziraphale’s ball idea coming from The Sound of Music rather than Jane Austen, and remembered that I’d meant to make a post about parallels between Aziraphale and Maria. The romantic plot of Good Omens has a lot in common with the plot of The Sound of Music, and season two just so happens to leave off at the very end of act one. So, is there a chance that act two could provide some clues about season three? I find the idea very compelling, so here’s my analysis of the movie and how I think it compares to what we’ve seen so far, as well as what we can hope to see in season three.

In the beginning we have Maria at the abbey, where it is made clear that she does not fit in because she has a hard time abiding by the rules. She also has a tendency to prioritize the natural/material world over her spiritual duties, which is represented by the opening song (“The Sound of Music”), the singing of which literally makes her late to return to the abbey. This has obvious parallels to Aziraphale’s difficulties conforming to Heaven’s way of life, as well as his worldly attachments.

(A fun bonus parallel is in the song “Maria,” when the nuns say “she’s always late for everything / except for every meal.” Aziraphale-coded fr.)

Maria leaves the abbey to be the governess to the von Trapp family, and this is where she begins to really learn about herself as an adult outside of a tightly controlled religious environment. She still doesn’t conform to the new world she lives in, but begins learning how to retain her selfhood without feeling ashamed of doing so. This period is obviously a parallel for Aziraphale’s time on Earth—although the time frames are quite different, the same general lessons are learned.

At the end of act one, as addressed in the linked post, there is a ball where the Captain and Maria dance, and this is the moment where Maria discovers her feelings for the Captain. Although this scene is an obvious parallel for the Jane Austen ball scene, I think it’s honestly more similar to the kiss in the final 15. Maria, mid-dance, stares into the Captain’s eyes, freezes, and backs away, saying she can’t remember the dance anymore. The Baroness is watching from the doorway, and when Maria runs upstairs to get changed for dinner, the Baroness follows her.

Up in Maria’s bedroom, the Baroness confronts Maria about her feelings for the Captain, which Maria denies initially. The Baroness convinces her of her own feelings and of the Captain’s, and essentially encourages her to run away—I’ll get into why in a second. Without a word to anyone, Maria returns to the abbey. This is a super obvious parallel to the end of season two, with the Baroness acting almost in the role of the Metatron by pulling Maria aside and reminding her of her “duty.”

Now into the more speculative side of things, trying to think of how The Sound of Music might offer hints as to what’s coming in season three.

When Maria returns to the abbey, she remains in constant silent prayer for the first several days before being called upon by the Abbess. Maria confesses that she ran away because she was frightened, and admits that she had accidentally developed an attraction for the Captain. She gives her reason for not telling the Captain about her feelings and choosing to return the abbey: “I was there on God’s errand. Oh, I couldn’t stay, I just couldn’t. I’m ready at this moment to take my vows.” This sense of misplaced duty might not be all of it, but again, we’ll get to that in a second.

The Abbess responds with probably more kindness than we’d expect from anyone in Heaven: she says that romantic love can be holy, that Maria needs to discover how God intended her to spend her love, and assures her that “if you love this man, it doesn’t mean you love God less.” With this, she commands Maria to return.

While this may seem incongruous with Heaven’s general business model and something unlikely to be paralleled in season three, I think it’s important to think back to the conversation at the end of season one immediately following the failed apocalypse, when Crowley asks, “Angel, what if the Almighty planned it like this, all along? From the very beginning?” People joke about God trying to set them up from the beginning of time, but I don’t know that it necessarily has to be a joke. The question of God’s ineffable plan is a constant throughout the series—the whole point is that it’s impossible to say what exactly God intends.

This is the exact same conflict Maria faces in the scene with the Abbess. When she objects to returning, she says, “But I pledged my life to God, I — I’ve pledged my life to his service.” The Abbess rejects the idea that this is the only possible plan that could have been intended for Maria, saying, “You have to live the life you were born to live.” Perhaps there will be something similar in season three, some way in which God communicates the same thing to Aziraphale—that loving Crowley doesn’t mean loving Her any less, that their love is holy, and that the life he is meant to live is not one pent up behind heavenly walls, but rather out in the world with Crowley.

After Maria returns, she’s reunited with the children, the Captain and the Baroness break off their engagement, lots of little plot things. What I’m interested in is the song “Something Good” (which I would just like to emphasize is sung in a gazebo... anyway). The song introduces an additional reason for Maria’s departure—namely, that she did not feel worthy of the Captain’s love, a sentiment that he returns. They both come to the conclusion, though, that they must have done “something good” to deserve having found each other. Here are some lyrics:

For here you are, standing there, loving me

Whether or not you should

So somewhere in my youth or childhood

I must have done something good.

The basic theme of the song is self forgiveness, and the acknowledgement that past imperfections do not make a person unworthy of being loved. Rather, both characters here have felt themselves to be inadequate, but view the other’s love as a sign that they must, in some way, be good.

I love the idea that Crowley and Aziraphale might have a moment like this, because I think it would be massive in terms of their own self acceptance. For Crowley, Aziraphale’s love (and possibly God’s endorsement?) is proof that his fall did not make him irredeemable, that he remains a being who can love and be loved in return. For Aziraphale, Crowley’s love is an affirmation that he can honestly be forgiven for his transgressions, rather than marked forever by them (like removing the stain from his coat, allowing it to be forgotten).

Unfortunately, the movie does not end with their marriage—they still have to escape Austria after the Captain is called to serve by the Nazis. I think we can assume the Nazis parallel Hell, and say that perhaps Aziraphale and Crowley really will have to establish “their own side.” Maria has to break free of the abbey, and the Captain has to break free of the Nazis. They do this by running away, and I’m not sure Aziraphale and Crowley would ever flee Earth in the wake of the Second Coming, but I will say that it does immediately evoke the idea of the pair running away to Alpha Centauri. I do think that given the “they are bad at their jobs and did very little to seriously prevent Armageddon” joke from season one, it would be a little funny if humanity managed to save itself during a momentary retreat from Aziraphale and Crowley.

I don’t mean to imply that the blueprint of season three is found in act two of The Sound of Music, but I do think that the movie being canonically a favorite of Heaven’s, the recurring theme of the ineffability of God’s plan, and the sheer number of parallels within the plot so far make it a fair place to look for clues. Who’s to say that God’s plan wasn’t hidden in plain sight?

[lovely-v]

LOTR (films) Review

So I finally watched the LOTR films (20 years later). I’m super excited to review these because I read the books very recently so I feel at least a little prepared to voice some opinions. Overall I loved the films, here’s a very long (but by no means exhaustive) compilation of my thoughts, which are of course, totally subjective:

(Warning: a lot of me saying “well, actually, in the book...”)

THINGS I LIKED

- Casting! not much to say here, I thought the casting was great. One of my favorite actors that I didn’t think i’d have a huge opinion on was David Wenham as Faramir. I was kinda ambivalent on him when I saw pictures but i thought he did a great job. he showed his quality.

- Music. so much has been said about the films on the music front. I can’t offer too much original insight but when a bit of the Shire theme started to play as Frodo tries to make his way up Mount Doom I cried a little.

- Boromir and Aragorn. I liked the scene where they interact a little in Rivendell. I also like how Aragorn saves Boromir in the Moria battle and gives him this little nod of friendship. I think the films did a great job portraying the dynamic they have where Aragorn is clearly suspicious of Boromir’s motivations but grows to respect him to the point where he doesn’t even blame Boromir for being corrupted by the ring because he understands that, at heart, Boromir is a good person. 

- Sam and Frodo in Osgiliath. I expected to be kind of annoyed with the way this plot point played out (I knew ahead of time that it strayed from the book), but I actually liked it a lot. As I’ll say later, there’s some gripes I have with the way the films extremely play up the disagreements between Frodo and Sam, but I loved the scene where Frodo pulls the sword on Sam and then seems so defeated when he realizes what he’s done. I was pleasantly surprised by how emotional this scene made me. It’s admittedly A Lot, but it was done nicely, especially in conjunction with Sam’s “there’s good in this world” speech.

- Treatment of the ending. I almost think I should dislike the ending as it is in the movies, but my heart is soft and I like that they sugarcoated it a bit. I know the whole point of the Scouring of the Shire and Frodo’s depression conveys a lot about war and trauma and I think that is important, but after watching these things for twelve hours I just wanted Frodo & co. to be happy and I was kinda relieved that they cut the Scouring. Does that make me weak and perhaps bad at film analysis? yes. do I care? no. I was also very glad that the movies didn’t portray how depressed Sam was about losing Frodo in the end. Yes, he cries, but when he walks home to his family he seems happy and in the books that scene came off so much bleaker. I definitely liked the lighter tone.

THINGS I WAS NEUTRAL ON/DIDN’T LIKE

- Arwen. (Neutral) I don’t hate her, I don’t love her. I think the story she and Aragorn have is compelling and I 100% get why the filmmakers decided to add it to give her character more depth, but it felt misplaced at times. maybe it’s just because it was the only storyline I didn’t know in depth, but the scenes with the Arwen/Aragorn flashbacks felt a bit confusing and disorienting. Don’t have anything against Arwen as a character though, I think she’s pretty alright.

- Gimli. (Complicated thoughts) I want to start off by saying I don’t dislike Gimli. I like him a lot! I just think the movies did him a bit dirty. He had some good movie-exclusive moments, but I think his character really fell into this place of being the butt of too many jokes. Would have liked to see some more serious Gimli development, especially with his relationship to Legolas. Their friendship felt too much like subtext here, whereas it’s explored far more in the books.

- Two Towers Pacing. (Didn’t really like). The pacing of TTT was...weird. maybe I’m going into this with a closed mind because of the books, but it was odd to have the movie begin with Frodo and Sam and then have them only appear for a few rapid scenes after that. I think the fact that a WHOLE LOT of what happens to Frodo and Sam in TTT is moved to RotK is what makes it feel that way? In the books, Two Towers ends with Sam discovering that Frodo isn’t dead from Shelob’s sting, and I was surprised by how long it took the movies to get to that part. However, I will give the films a little leeway because I think they needed Frodo & Sam content for RotK, since most of what happens in that book is them walking through Mordor basically starving and dying. Doesn’t make for great cinema I guess, so they had to put the whole Shelob/Cirith Ungol saga into the final film. Still, I think there’s a weird lack of Frodo and Sam’s presence in TTT.

- The go home/missing bread arc. (Full of rage abt this one) yeah. so. my criticism of this is gonna sound pretty tired because people complain and complain about this part of RotK. but I’m gonna complain some more!! I don’t think the split between Frodo and Sam does anything for the plot. I really don’t. I guess it emphasizes the fact that Sam doesn’t understand how much Frodo is projecting onto Gollum, but it’s just. unnecessary angst? They had enough angst in the Osgiliath scene! Which I actually liked! And it simply doesn’t make a lot of sense for Frodo to suspect Sam of eating the bread when Sam had already offered Frodo his own food and made it clear that he would very much starve if it meant making sure Frodo could eat. But what I hate most about this scene is not that Frodo gets mad and tells Sam to go home. No. It’s that Sam actually... thinks about doing that? he actually? goes down the staircase? emotionally this is bad because Sam clearly cared enough about Frodo to follow him this far, to nearly drown for him, so why would he leave now. Practically this is bad because 1. how would Sam get out of Mordor alone and 2. where would he go. He turns around almost immediately, yes, but what was his plan. where was he going. why.

THINGS I LOVED

- For Frodo! This line, and every other shoutout to Frodo. In the books, they didn’t really actively talk about/worry about Frodo (and Sam) as much as they do in the movies. I like that they talk about Frodo more in the movies! I like that they’re thinking about him! I know it was implied that they were in the books, but I really like how it’s shown here. I think it gave a more complete picture of how much they all care about him on a personal level in addition to just needing him to succeed from a pragmatic standpoint. 

- Merry and Pippin! I feel like Merry and Pippin were so well rounded in the films. I’ve heard criticism about them being turned into comic relief characters (which they always were a little bit) but it honestly didn’t feel that way to me. They had a bit of a rough start because the films didn’t make their motives for going with Frodo as deep as the books did, but I think that by TTT they were absolutely amazing characters in every scene. In RotK their respective arcs hit really well and the scene where Pippin is singing to Denethor? *chef’s kiss* poetic. beautiful. sad. idk man I just feel like I have such a newfound appreciation for Merry and Pippin.

- Parallels! people have pointed out the parallel of Frodo and Sam’s hands before (drowning scene/mount doom scene) and I love how the movie did that. Just stunning. Also! The moving of the Smeagol & Deagol scene to RotK surprised me because in the books it was like,,,at the beginning of Fellowship, but I think the placement of it in the movies really helped emphasize the similarities between Smeagol & Deagol and Frodo & Sam (and how much Frodo fears this similarity.) There were a lot of other well done parallels between storylines and a few bits of dialogue that were repeated with great timing, but I can’t remember all of them at the moment.  

Edit: here’s one I remembered! when Frodo wakes up after being rescued and sees Gandalf, he says Gandalf’s name in a very similar tone to the one he used at the very beginning of Fellowship. It was a nice little subtle connection.

- I can’t carry it for you...alright this is self-indulgent. everyone knows I love this line. I’m just so glad it made it into the movie intact. Sean Astin’s delivery was amazing. I cheered. My mom cheered. It’s a raw line and it makes me feel secret emotions...like if shrimp colors were feelings. that line makes me feel shrimp feelings. idk i’m so tired i just watched twelve hours of movies this review is decreasing in quality by the minute but i’m about done for now anyway

Various silly afterthoughts

- I would have liked to see Sam kiss Frodo’s hands at least once. This happens 50 thousand times in the books, they could have given me one scene. one little extended edition scene. Please Peter Jackson I’m dyin’ out here

- They literally made Gollum so hateable. kinda the point yes, but I was so on board with Sam’s murderous rage. I know why Gollum’s a profoundly complex character, I know why Frodo pities him, I know why murder is bad, but I too would throw hands with that creature. also he literally body shamed Sam so much what was that skdjksdjksd. Sam is lovely. let him commit a small homicide. 

- the scene where merry and pippin drink the tall boy juice (as someone once referred to it in the tags of one of my posts)... not accurate to the books (since they don’t ever drink it with the end goal of getting tall) but so accurate to life. if I found some water that made me taller than my friends? let me at it

- Frodo panicking when he falls into the spider webs. so real bestie. i felt just as panicked watching that. i am terrified of spiders and Elijah Wood did an amazing job doing exactly what i’d do in the situation. yelping a lot and falling down.

- I feel like it’s never stated that Sam’s a gardener (or at least that he’s specifically Frodo’s gardener) until he tells Faramir he is. Did I miss this. Or do they really never say.  are you just meant to know. are you just meant to pick up gardener vibes from him.

*

This has been a very chaotic lotr movie review. Thanks for reading.

[organic-guacamole]

showtime

episode 211 let's go

ok first of all, this is the second to last episode guys... I don't even wanna think about how much pain I'll be in after next week's episode

mr mazzara doing the recap-

this is so weird to me and I don't know why

WHY DIDN'T YALL JUST ASK BENJAMIN FOR HELP, THATS LITERALLY HIS THING

is Nini giving out the cards a callback to season 1 when Natalie Bagley said that Nini gave her a card or something on opening night of another musical?

STEPHY AS THE ENCHANTRESS OMG YES

Ricky in the crown gives me Harry styles in that photoshoot vibes

he's so pretty.

ok but why did we never see Ricky and Ashlyn interact before? it's been like 5 seconds and I already love how they bounce off each other and it's just so natural

OH THEY REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY UNDERSTUDIES-

well that explains a lot...

so Ricky fell on top of Ashlyn and all that broke for both of them was their wrist-

insert Jake Peralta *coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool no doubt no doubt no doubt*

of course howie was amazing as the beast, were we expecting anything less??

Ricky is so beautiful and I will not shut up about it....

let me enjoy this before the makeup crew slaps mud on his face.

Nini and Ricky talking to eachother? in a civil manner? wasn't she avoiding him just in the last episode? hm ok

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THEY CANT EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS JUST LIKE ME HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS, WHATS NEXT? THEY CUT EVERYONE OFF CUZ THEY CANT HANDLE EMOTIONS? ...ha

yes Kaden and Rico, my favourite east high boys 🥰

I mean....where's EJ?

THERE HE IS

EJ AND GINA IN THE BACKGROUND... doing something idek

KOURTNEY'S MOM IS BACK YAY

Howie is a shining star, ofc ofc

the smallest fOrk

can't wait to see the fork burst into song about how she deserves more than to be used to eat salad😌

the duster and the bluster.... ok😃

hi Gina!

hi- oh wow I didn't know Robbie Rotten was in this show!!!!!

the portwell look.

that my friends, is a married couple's look✋

GOSH EJ WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU

aww Gina's so excited for this

D word?

Die?

Delicious?

Dom Toretto?

"good, clean fun all alone with someone I dig...a lot"

sir that does not sound very clean to me

SEBLOS

Seb looks so cute standing there next to pope Carlos

DID THEYEY REALLY LIGHT ANTOINE ON FIRE-

I NEED TO SEE THAT

Seb's reading Carlos better than big red read the script in episode 102, this is great development after the "fight"

Kourtney really just made the best outfit for herself and let the rest of them suffer

the way Gina immediately goes to hold on to EJ after the announcement

"tonight we're going to put the U in UTAH"

...

"hey where are you from?"

"TAH"

SEB'S SINGULAR CLAP KILLED ME-

he's officially salt lake city's resident thanos

just wity clapping because for some reason I have a feeling he doesn't know how to snap his fingers...don't ask why

Ms Jenn do you mind encouraging your leads before the show? idk just an idea

pepto bismol product placement smhsmh

those flowers are bigger that big red himself-

*bops along to the opening theme*

that whistle at the end slaps everytime

WHY IS THE AUDIENCE SO MASSIVE

I guess they're all here to see Ms Jenn go on as a fork after Nini decides to *go her own way*

wow i am so funny

so they couldn't do many group scenes cuz of covid, but this 300 person crowd is cool? nice

OO THE VIOLIN GIRL FROM EPISODE 6 IS IN THE ORCHESTRA

HOWIEEEEEE

"Mr Caswell", he said, in the loudest voice possible while backstage at a show that's about to start.

Mazzara what are you trying to pull-

I usually like Benjamin but I don't like his tone

"iS yOuR wHoLe FaMiLy HeRe?" LIKE YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW THATS A SOFT SPOT FOR EJ

"we've had some good conversations these past few weeks"

right so what's going to happen after you graduate?

what does he think of you not going to Duke?

what did he say about you giving the sweatshirt that's been in the family for 3 generations to a girl you're not even dating?

good old Mr. M

therapist Mr. Mazzara, they all need it.

start with Ricky though.

"Michael Bowen"

dude why did you shave, now you look less like "hot lumberjack" and more "creep at the gas station"

OH-

does she not like Mike anymore?

why does it sound like jennzzara started dating and now they just sit back and talk smack about everyone in their freetime

break the fourth wall-

uhhhh im scared

why am I scared

he's scary

hehe flowers for Ricky, obviously for Ricky, ObViOuSLY

oh boy poor Michael

this man is in love, rip

why does Ms Jenn always look at people with her eyes open so wide

LILYYYY

I'm only excited because I really like the idea of lily and Ricky being friends, nothing more.

ha this guy's got jokes

a MOAT AROUND THE SCHOOL

wheeze

also he's very pretty.

"the wolves and very talented humans"

how dare he forget to mention the very talented wolves and normal humans, smh erasure

"being nice, what a concept" ted talk by Lily who still doesn't have a last name

did she just say lol out loud

same with the hug emoji last episode-

go touch some grass babes

the way he didn't say no, but said he didn't know how the east high kids would react-

not saying he does want to date her but that's an interesting thing to think about, also another thing to write an essay analysis on just to leave it in my drafts for a few months

awww lily genuinely trying to help him

sorry guys, I've been taken by the Lily charm (didn't know it existed until now but oh well)

REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I'LL NEVER SHIP PORTWELL?

just look at me now

the Lily wink I can't she's so cute-

HELP ME I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY LIL-

David Attenborough?

oh nvm it's Benjamin narrating the show in a really weird British accent for some reason.

STEPHY GOT MORE LINES YAY GOOD FOR HER

also is this to show that Nini doesn't care about being the star of the show anymore? the way she's supporting everyone else even though she's a fork?

I would pay for a special of the full musical ngl

OOO THE TRANSFORMATION WAS SMOOTH

shockingly

yo where did the makeup come from

man I wish I was a theatre kid

THIS IS STEPHY'S EPISODE NOW IDC✋

my girl is starring

"needs an X-factor"

Simon Cowbell creeps in

"it's a yes from me"

and them boom, he takes Nini and mistreats her horribly and then she comes back to theatre after deciding music isn't for her👍

"I thought she just hog-tied him?"

don't ask sebby, it's better if you don't know.

imagine they spotlight the wrong person and this dude is just some random person that likes writing down stuff during shows.

Ms Jenn just let them do what they rehearsed (at some point we never saw) or else this is gonna end horribly wrong

"help"

same Carlos, same

I love how seb is just his translator rn

I thought he said "great displeasure" instead of "greatest pleasure"....help?

big red coming out from throwing up to see his girlfriend star is the cutest thing in this show.

Ash and Gina dancing is so fun

I'm imagining them practicing at night at their home, watching the movie for the 100th time and making sure their one dance together is perfect

KOURTNEY YES

HOWIE IS IN LOVE AHHHH

I LOVE HOWIE SO MUCH

SEBBY

THIS SCENE HAS SO MUCH GOING ON I CAN'T KEEP UP

THIS IS SO GOOD

HOW???

no because I'm actually crying

I'm dead serious.

we need this musical released as a special

big red is so proud and I love to see it

Natalie: "if you do not by at least 20 dollars in concessions, you do not support art"

rando in the audience: "but I pay for ad free Spotify"

Mr Mazzara clapping in the distance

Gigi, the guy you like is talking to you, complimenting you and hyping you up

YOU LUCKY LITTLE FEATHER DUSTER

aw EJ teasing her about the chocolates in a way that doesn't make her feel bad? take notes Richard

JORDAN FISHER

there is no rest of the show idc Jordan is it for me

THE WIG CAP ON RICKY OMG

they look like they're high and having "deep" conversations on the floor

THE MEAN GIRL WITH THE EYES-

@sunshine-julie-molina YOU HEAR THAT

Natalie really just be coming for them all

Howie what is happening rn

I'm scared

"did you enjoy it"

"very much"

dude wants a kiss so bad

ASHLYN OMG

NO DON'T DO IT BECAUSE OF LILY, PUT YOUR OWN TWIST ON IT

I want a Jordan autograph please

just keep swim- oh pushing...

Gina is literally a giant next to him and I live for it

am I about to cry for the 3rd time in this episode?

yes.

Ricky's leg kicks under the table makes me so happy aw

the portwell glances will kill me.

ah yes, mashed potato snow

Mr. M.... I'm not a theatre kid but even I know you can't have your phone on backstage.

Howie please just do it

CHIP'S BIG LINE I CANT

I LITERALLY HAD TO PAUSE IT AMD SCREAM INTO MY MASK FOR A SOLID 2 MINUTES (I'm not at home rn) HES SO CUTE

oh ok bye Jordan

oo tea

NOT HIM BEING STARSTRUCK BECAUSE HE'S MEETING HIS FUTURE BROTHER IN LAW-

"we're all just glad Gigi has a big brother figure in her life"

excuse me for a few thousand hours while I laugh hysterically

THE CAMERA ZOOM ON EJS FACE AND EVERYTHING-

STOP EJ LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA CRY BUT I CAN'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY WITH THE STAGE MAKE-UP

someone else said this already but I think it's hilarious that they had to bring in 2 guest characters to create some portwell angst

omg this really is Cici's episode, found family is their thing

elevator music lol

I'm gonna bet that big red took the harness for his surprise for Ashlyn without realising what it was

did Ms. Jenn just....tell her most mentally unstable student....to commit suicide....on a disney show...was that....I'm very....well....what the actual-

oh and there she goes running off instead of trying to make it right

oh wow Nini's the hero, she's gonna save the show 🤩

😐

the judge is doing a sudoku

honestly if I went to the hsm show as well, I'd come prepared for this one too

Lily why are you looking like that-

I WAS JUST STARTING TO LIKE YOU DON'T MESS THIS UP

wow ok, there goes that.

omg

what if Howie was acting weird because he knew what Lily did and wanted to tell Kourtbut Lily threatened him so he was scared to-

anyways see y'all clowns next week when we all simultaneously lose all motivation for the week without Fridays to look forward to.

[meditationnearme]

Is This Crazy New Treatment The Cure To Your Insomnia? - how do you reduce stress

NuCalm promotes itself as neuroscience-backed tension and sleep technology. In practice, though, it simply helped me nap. I recently awakened from a delightful 20-minute nap. Really, it was more of a 10-minute half-nap half-trance, preceded by ideas of what I required to accomplish today that slowly liquified into the types of non-sequitur visions that take place because earliest phase of sleep.

In some way, this was rejuvenating. For the last week, I have actually been checking out the NuCalm system. According to its website, NuCalm is "the world's only trademarked neuroscience innovation clinically shown to deal with stress and improve sleep quality without drugs." It includes a neuroacoustic software application app utilized for 20- to 120-minute increments, an eye mask and the abovementioned processing discs, and in practice includes listening to ambient, cinematic sounds (comparable to this) with your eyes closed and a sticker label stuck to your inner arm.

Each of the elements are designed to set off the body's parasympathetic nervous system, which aids with recovery and relaxation. The disc is created to launch gamma-aminobutyric acid, a neurotransmitter that inhibits cortisol and adrenaline. With this and the app, NuCalm halts your body's tension action and therefore the mental and physical toll tension can handle the body.

military, 49 sports teams and in over a million surgical treatments. Some dental offices even utilize it for clients who hesitate of the dental expert. NuCalm's 'bio-signal processing disc' Although the product is touted as a way of possibly healing the body from injury, addiction and physical concerns, it appears predominately useful for relaxation and anxiety.

By this procedure, my use of NuCalm was a success: After my 20-minute session this afternoon, I certainly felt far more refreshed and awake. While a few of my sessions kept me conscious the whole time, I at least felt a bit more relaxed than previously. At the start, I 'd believed I was supposed to treat the session like a meditation, preventing letting my ideas roam.

Why I was so focused upon events of this age during my session is a secret to me, but regardless, I think I still dropped off to sleep for about five minutes. Unusually enough, a FAQ section of the app states that memory recollection is a typical characteristic of "theta brainwave variety," and that recalling memories in this phase allows you to dissociate negative feelings from them.

Overall, NuCalm did enable me to take best little afternoon naps in a structured method. I am decent at sleeping as it is, but I do believe something about NuCalm, whether it be the discs or the noises or the timer, made those naps more effective than usual. One glaring problem with NuCalm, nevertheless, is its rate.

Perhaps as I keep utilizing it, I'll find that this is a totally reasonable expense for the advantage of much better relaxation, health and sleep. At this moment, however, I 'd pay possibly $10 a month. The app likewise requires some major upgrading, as it presently only uses 3 various session types (recharge, reboot and rescue) at differing lengths and with a rather cumbersome layout.

Instead, it feels rudimentary, with lesser parts of the app like the post-session debriefing FAQ totally nonfunctional. I have actually taken some fantastic naps this last week, and I'll keep utilizing NuCalm for this function. It's a nearly simple and easy way of fitting 20 minutes of pure relaxation into my day. Whether those bio-signalling dics do anything, I'm still suspicious in addition to a cleaner app, I 'd need to get a bit more trust in the science to pay $60 a month.

Magdalene Taylor is a junior staff writer at MEL, where she began working two weeks after finishing college. Her work is a mix of cultural analysis and service, covering whatever from reconsiderations of low-brow hits like Joe Dirt and Nickelback to modern disability issues, OnlyFans and the kinds of small concerns about life like why baby carrots are so wet.

According to the company, thirty minutes of NuCalm is equal to 2 to 3 hours of corrective sleep. The NuCalm website boasts that the de-stressing treatment takes simply 2 minutes to administer and less than 5 minutes to accomplish its effects, making it the extremely meaning of a quick repair.

With its sleek website and claims of high-tech, borderline-magic outcomes, I half expected my NuCalm experience to occur in the literal future or, at really least, a center that reeked of sci-fi vibes. I believe I was imagining a workplace that looked like the ship from Passengers and a large set-up reminiscent of the memory-implanting tech from Total Remember or possibly even a coffin-like pod directly out of The Fifth Component.

My NuCalm treatment was not administered on the set of a motion picture, but it also wasn't administered in a dental expert's workplace. On the early morning of my visit, I drove across Los Angeles to Santa Monica to the workplaces of an authentic medical professional to the stars, whose Hollywood customers includes starlets, authors and motivational masters, and who boasts know-how in energy medication, integrative medication and bioidentical hormone replacement treatment.

Rather, my NuCalm experience began in a (actively) dimly lit waiting room that looked more like the living-room of an eccentric, well-traveled college professor than a medical center. The doctor was fashionably late not with another patient, simply in getting to the office. While the tardiness might usually have actually frustrated me, here, it appeared like part of the experience, almost like a sneak peek of the outcomes of the high-tech treatment that awaited me.

Throughout a quick consultation, the physician discussed the NuCalm procedure and summarized the science behind it (more on that later). The gist of the system, I learned, was this: I would chew a tablet of gamma-Aminobutyric acid, or -aminobutyric acid (or GABA, for short), a repressive neurotransmitter suggested to decrease activity in my nerve system.

I would listen, through headphones, to binaural beat music music with two various balanced pulses that activates Alpha and Theta brain waves, which are connected with the very first stage of deep sleep and meditation. Likewise, I would be blindfolded. And, in Doc Hollywood's workplace, I would do all of this while lying on a waterbed although the waterbed, I learned, is not a standard or needed element of the treatment.

I was led to a small exam space (or, possibly, a large closet), where I was offered a big GABA tablet and told to chew but not swallow it while the medical professional marked time the binaural beats and connected the Biosignal Processing Disc to my wrist. Lastly, after what seemed like a much longer duration of time than it possibly could have been, I was informed to swallow the GABA vitamin sludge, which had the artificially sweet, fruity taste and distinctly milky taste and texture of Flinstones vitamins that are a couple of months past their expiration date.

The NuCalm treatment itself was completely pleasant. The music was calming but interesting (I've since registered for a binaural beats playlist on Spotify bless the web). The milky, orange-adjacent taste of the GABA tablet didn't remain in a particularly noticeable way. And the waterbed was warmed, that made for a relaxing place to lie down and rest.

What am I doing incorrect? Why don't I feel calm? If science can't make me chill TF out, am I just a lost cause? Perhaps if I do a body scan, I'll be able to feel the results. That's a good concept. I'm going to do a body scan. This will resemble mindfulness on steroids orange-flavored, healthy steroids.

I am broken. I was wrong. It was not practically over. Maybe it's the kind of thing you can't feel in the moment, however I'll observe a substantial distinction when it's over. I have a lot work to do. Stop thinking of work and being stressed. That beats the entire purpose.

I asked how typically he advised that individuals come in for NuCalm treatments and he stated that it differs, but that some individuals "need it daily." I couldn't help however think, based on my experience and the lack of concrete outcomes, that that appeared excessive. He handed me some research study further discussing the science behind NuCalm prior to rushing off to his next appointment, and I left sensation disappointed and a little anxious about my failure to feel less distressed through the treatment.

For the record, it's not. I discovered the experience to be a little New Age-y in practice, however the system really is based in science. Drawing from neuroscience research into the patterns the brain goes through throughout natural periods of relaxation, every component of NuCalm is created to simulate that process and prompt a stressed brain to switch gears to a more relaxed state.

NuCalm works specifically on the body's inhibitory system, the GABAergic system. This gadget is bio-mimetic in that it resets the naturally taking place negative feedback loop of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which when properly functioning is expected to shut down and stop releasing cortisol from the adrenal glands after the end of a stressful occasion.

Individuals in this state are physically not able to have a distressed reaction. Within moments of application, users will start to feel remedy for the 'fight-or-flight' considerate nervous system action and their tension hormonal agent (cortisol) levels will start to decline as the HPA axis is hindered." Here's a quick breakdown of the science behind each phase of the NuCalm process.

It's really the primary repressive neurotransmitter system in brain circuits. Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid is a relaxation neurotransmitter that the body produces naturally when we're preparing yourself to sleep, so the strategy of utilizing GABA supplements to signify the brain that it's time to relax makes good sense. What's not completely clear, nevertheless, is how effective oral GABA supplements remain in triggering those advantages.

While some studies have actually revealed that GABA can cross the blood-brain barrier, others have shown the opposite, suggesting a possible placebo result behind perceived benefits of the supplements. Researchers agree that more research is needed to figure out how useful GABA supplements really are. According to NuCalm's website, the disc "simplifies the process of triggering the parasympathetic worried system, by tapping into the body's Pericardium Meridian with specific electromagnetic (EM) frequencies." The disc (which, again, was a round sticker, about the size of a quarter, that was used to the within of my wrist) was, undoubtedly, my greatest source of apprehension at the same time, and NuCalm's official explanation of the science behind it highlights the most Brand-new Age-y vibes of the company.

It is hypothesized that if you can restore the frequencies that take a trip through the Meridians you can reinstate ideal physiology. Each NuCalm disc holds the EM frequency patterns of GABA and its precursors to provide a pure biological signal to your body. When put on the within your left wrist, at your Pericardium-6 acupuncture point, the disc sends a signal to the pericardium of your heart to trigger regional parasympathetic nerve fibers, which then transfer the signal to your brain telling it to increase vagal nerve output and start the process of decreasing the body.

In 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP promoted a $120 brand name of bio-frequency stickers, leading to a short-lived viral moment for the tech. Sadly for proponents of the devices, the action wasn't fantastic, with Mark Shelhamer, previous chief scientist at NASA's human research division, significantly decrying the GOOP-endorsed product as "snake oil." Although the NuCalm site describes that "each disc holds the electromagnetic frequency patterns of GABA and its precursors to provide a pure biosignal to your body," it's unclear exactly how putting the sticker on your wrist sets off that shipment.

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

10. Bathroom wall a.k.a. a queen bee, Prince in the shower and a backup Casanova (Part Two)

Finally, that Donna Summer song is over… Although disco is not my favorite genre, I have nothing against her generally but now… the part in which she’s repeating “Hot-hot-hot-hot stuuuuff” reminded me of the sound of the rototiller which would break down in every single winter and my grandpa would always have to try for hours and hours to breathe life into it in spring. And the music was also way too loud in comparison to the fact the clientele of this place consists mostly of exhausted truck drivers who only want to chill to Chris Rhea’s Road to Hell. If they wanted noise, they would go to a strip club to see Miss North Carolina ’86 dropping her clothes to something from AC/DC. Probably Highway to Hell. Variations on a theme. But probably this little dump doesn’t even have a proper strip club.

Luckily, this shabby roadhouse has a separate room for pool tables; it’s pretty hidden and easily approachable without being noticed. Not that I don’t like hanging out with the guys… okay, that’s also a part of it, we’ve been basically locked in a tour bus, concert venues and hotel rooms since last September. We’re each other’s company all the time, the only place where I can spend a few hours by myself is basically the ever-changing setting of my incoherent dreams. Only mentally, of course, since basically there’s always someone snoring around. And of course, they also keep showing up in random scenarios and with people they don’t even know but that’s the point of dreams, your brain forces you to put jigsaw puzzle pieces together that don’t match. Or they do, you just don’t know about it… Long story short, there’s no way to get rid of these dudes… Okay, it sounds as if they annoyed me… shit, they do annoy me more and more often and I hate this feeling. We’re basically friends; we wouldn’t be able to play in the same band if we didn’t get on well. But before we started touring, we’d all had our own circles including friends and colleagues, different hobbies, natural habitat… and music and the band had been only the intersection of them. We met when we had to do something as a band, we spent time together to write songs, rehearse, record… and in the remaining time, everybody lived their own life. That we don’t have anymore.

Usually, I try to not see only the dark side of this situation but now, I’m not feeling able to put on a smiley face. Maybe the fact that my whole digestive system is burning doesn’t help either… I bought a cola at the gas station next to the bar and smuggled it in under my jacket. That’s the only piece of advice of the doctor that is also useful under tour circumstances. I mean, I can’t just drop everything and lie down when the pains are coming, I can’t spend my evening sitting on the loo when I have to play a gig and who cares about diet when you can’t even eat or sleep on a regular basis? But cola is always there, no matter where I am. It’s the only thing that eases my nausea effectively and isn’t very conspicuous at the same time. And this one is as cold as ice, it feels good to press the bottle to my stomach as I’m crouching in fetal position in this armchair. Although the doctor probably wouldn’t approve, I spiked it with a few drops of rum. To be honest, they were bigger drops but I finally wanted to empty my flask. I decided to give up drinking spirits, beer makes me unpredictable enough and mixing drinks only fucks my digestion up too.

“Here you are, finally! I knew you were somewhere here too!”

So much for hiding…

“Hi, Karrie…”

“Man, you’re missing the best parts… some local chicks started courting the guys, they even got them to dance…”

“Awesome…”

“Mike, can you hear what I’m telling you? I said the guys were made to dance… I mean, the guys such as Jeff, Dave and Stone… and dance, like, moving the body rhythmically to the music… Although the girl who picked Stone had a difficult job…”

“Let me guess: she failed.” I remark in a bored voice and shake the bottle in small circles not to waste a drop of my drink.

“Mike? Is something wrong with you? Normally, you would basically drop everything and rush there to see the end of the scene but… yes, something’s wrong with you...” she answers her own question with a concerned face sinking down slowly onto the other armchair.

“I’m fine…” I mumble as I embrace my knees and lean my chin against them.

“Mike, I haven’t known you for a long time but I’m pretty sure that sitting alone curled up like a hedgehog is not your normal state. The pains, again, right?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I don’t like being taken for an idiot. Ninety percent of my job basically consists of watching every move of yours and trying to figure out your needs before you would even think about them. Do you think I haven’t noticed you’re suffering?”

I should have known. She usually stays in the background, doesn’t meddle in the business of the others but she’s all ears and eyes… she knows everything about us.

“All I know is that it must be something with your stomach or intestines… I don’t know exactly how serious it might be but it seems to be serious enough to be treated…” she goes on ignoring my stubborn silence. “Have you already seen a doctor? Have you already been diagnosed?”

I’ve seen several ones. I have a diagnosis. But I doubt she wants to hear the detailed description of my medical history, in particular the analysis of that delightful feeling when objects are being put up into your butthole.

“Do the others know about it?”

Oh, sure… like the inexhaustible source of Stone’s stupid anal jokes needed any feeding…No, thanks. And enlightening the others about the fact that pissing in the corner and running around naked aren’t the only sorts of accidents happening with me from time to time isn’t one of my top priorities either.

“Look, Mike, you’re an adult. Legally, leastways. I can’t tell you what to do and I’m finished with the heart-to-heart, I promise but… come on, all I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to feel ashamed and you can live a quality life whatever your problem is, for example Effie…”

“Effie?” I try not to sound like a maniac but I almost kick the table over as I jump back in regular sitting position. “You mean she…?”

“Hasn’t Judy mentioned it?”

“What?” I ask so far as I’m able to speak at all due to the lump in my throat that grew out of nothing of the mere mention of her name.

“She’s been waiting for new kidneys, or at least one new kidney for months. It’s pretty difficult to find a suitable donor for her… but she’s optimistic, as always. And also angry a bit but it only helped her move on.”

“May I ask… what happened to her? I mean, I understand if it’s not public or…” I try to form coherent sentences, which is not that easy at all after this shock therapy.

“It’s not a secret, it’s the result of medical mistakes.” she starts telling the whole story. The chain of her ordeals is more than simple misfortune, and honestly, as I’m trying to recall that compelling but still playful voice, it’s difficult to believe her life depends on permanent medical help. “…and that’s where we are now.” she finishes with a deeps sigh.

“Poor girl…”

“She’d cut your throat if she heard you. She hates being pitied and tries to keep her life in the normal track very hard, limits and obstacles have always annoyed her… but she’s not that kind of girl to whom you can explain that life can be complete without sky diving, rock climbing or space travel too.” she shrugs with a bittersweet smile.

“Does that mean she keeps going on with her studies and…”

“That’s the problem. She’s suspended her studies, gave up her student jobs but she’s already regretted it. And Annie, I mean, her mom is overconcerned and wants her to rest and stick around until the transplantation will have been carried out. And that’s one of the reasons why I recommended Judy as my replacement…”

“They need money…”

“Yup. But the point of my coming up with Effie’s case is to make you understand you’re not alone, having an illness is not a shame but I hate clichés so I rather shut up. I don’t want to lecture you, I would just feel guilty if I didn’t even try to talk about it with you.”

“I have already heard so much about her… do you have a picture of her or something? I’m curious… I mean, it’d be nice if I could connect a face to all those awesome stories…” I hear myself talking. Gaah, I don’t want seem to be pushy or a psycho stalker but I need to see her face.

“Uhmm, I used to keep a few family photos in my wallet, if you’re lucky I still have them…” she begins to rummage in her purse. “Ah, here it is. But no, that’s an old one.” she puts the picture back before I could take a look at it.

“NO, I WANT TO SEE IT.” I grab her forearm. “Please…?” I soften my voice seeing her puzzled expression. So much for avoiding deranged behavior.

“She was like seventeen when it was taken, it’s the yearbook photo from her senior year I guess.” she hands it to me.

I don’t know what I was expecting or if I was expecting anything at all but one thing I know: I wasn’t prepared for THIS. Judy mentioned she was blond and had blue eyes and normally, I would pair this combo with a Barbie-type girl in my imagination. But she’s everything but a Barbie-doll, her clear, shining, honest eyes stare into the camera with some cautiousness but if you examine her face carefully enough, you can discover hints of impishness playing around her lips and those tiny freckles around her nose and her skin that was still wearing the last kiss of late summer sun when the picture was taken… Jesus ‘Cready, you’re not a poet, you’re not even sane. Yes, I must have lost my mind, I’m hearing music in my head… “Drea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream…”

“Mike… Mike… Miiiike…” I find myself in the reality again when Karrie snaps a couple times with her fingers in front of my face. And I realize I didn’t grow a DJ in my mind, the song of Everly Brothers is actually playing in the bar.

“I take this now back, I found another one.” Karrie has to basically disentangle my clenched, grabby fingers from the photo but my eyes are still glued to the face in it, greedily collecting the tiniest details until it disappears in the wallet. “Here.” she pushes the other picture in front of me. “It’s from last year, I think, her hair is curlier here but that’s her natural look, she doesn’t have it straightened too often.”

The second photo gives that human tornado, that young woman clearly back whom I’ve imagined so many times since that very phone call and of whom now I know that she’s officially out of my league. It’s definitively confirmed, not that I had any chance to meet her in real life or at least talk to her again…

“You know what? You should consider talking with her about it. I think she’d understand it better than any of us.” Karrie remarks casually while sliding the pictures back into their place.

Oh. Yes. Sure. Why not call this angel to tell her I’m a disgusting pig who doesn’t have the slightest control over his metabolism, lets out disgusting sounds involuntarily and shits in his pants at least once in a week. Yes, that’s something I would totally chat with her about…

“It’s just an idea, I’m sure Judy would help you find a way to get in contact with her… of course, only if you want to…”

“Houston, we have a problem… Karrie… there’s a situation… we need you…” Scully basically falls into the room breathlessly.

“Jesus, what happened?” she jumps up terrified.

“It’s Judy… you should go after her…” he gasps pressing his hand against his right side. “I’ll tell you on the way…”

“Sorry Mike, we’ll talk about it later…” she shouts back on leaving.

At least my interrogation is over and I can spend some time alone since the others seem to be busy with that “situation”, whatever it is… Maybe I could practice pool tricks, I still haven’t given up my goal to beat Stone at least once in this lifetime. Even if we aren’t playing against each other, he keeps bothering me with his sarcastic comments and doesn’t let me try things in my own way, I can’t really improve my pool skills when he’s around.

After playing a few rounds against myself and winning, of course, I realize the pains have almost gone… It’s so weird, you immediately notice discomfort but you’re always unaware of the lack of it for a while, especially if you manage to direct your thoughts on something else. I guess I should look for the others, I hope Judy’s okay…

“Sorry” an unknown female voice addresses me with a short cough “have you got light?”

***

„So… what’s the plan?” Dave asks leaning on the counter with his elbows facing towards the tables.

“What plan?” I ask back positioning myself in the same way to be able to take a look around.

“For the evening… with the ladies.” he winks meaningfully.

“I don’t know… I guess we’re just hanging out. But why are you asking me? It is you and Jeff who are allowed to have any plans with any ladies… I have a beautiful girlfriend at home, remember…” I answer and I feel my lips pulling in a wide grin; I can’t help, I’ve developed this instant reaction that occurs whenever my gorgeous blondie is on my mind.

“How could I forget… you’d never miss an opportunity to rub this fact in our face. Anyway, Jeff doesn’t seem to be interested in them either, for obvious reasons…”

I squint at the pinball machine where the two second fiddles whose names I’m simply unable to recall are trying to break their personal records. I don’t really get why they think screaming helps them keep the ball on the play field but at least they prevent Jeff from falling asleep; he’s suppressing one yawn after another while stealing glances alternately at the basketball match on the TV screen and the table around which Scully, the slightly deranged leader of the girl bunch and our pocket-sized roadie are having an apparently deep conversation.

“He shouldn’t torture himself, his obvious reason doesn’t give a fuck about his awkward performance.”

“You can never know. Maybe she ignores intentionally that he’s ignoring her intentionally. But I guess you’re happy about it, the super professional band leader who’s against within-band hook-ups…”

“You know my opinion…” I shrug. “Just think about Fleetwood Mac and what happened to them.”

“Uhm, they became a world-famous top rock band?”

“You’re right! Come with me in the restroom, NOW!”

We both burst out in a dirty, tipsy laughter and it takes a few minutes until we calm down enough to be able to speak again.

“So, what are your plans?” I nudge him still shaking of warm-down snorts from time to time.

“I guess if the dynamics don’t change very quickly in the opposite direction, Jeff will vanish in less than ten minutes… and I’ll have to sacrifice myself and keep both chick entertained in the rest of the evening. But I don’t mind, they’re both cute.” Dave takes a sip of his beer wiggling his eyebrows satisfied.

“Both chick? What about… Caledonia?” I nod towards the black-haired alpha female of the trio.

“Her name is Claudia, geez man, you’re hopeless… but no, thanks, her behavior reminds me of that psycho woman in Fatal Attraction too much.” he frowns. “Stoney, be a man and do what you gotta do.”

“…which is…? Jesus, I’m not interested in any random girl I encounter and as you said, she’s totally insane, while we were dancing…”

“… while she was dancing…”

“… I felt as if I had been caught by a boa constrictor that was squeezing me tighter and tighter and I swear, it must have been an extended, super long version of Hot Stuff, I thought it would never end, like, it was at least three minutes longer than usual…” I go on since I’m not willing to react to his undisguised reference to my dance talent.

“Just go back to her, have a polite chat with her and say bye in half an hour… maybe I can keep Jeff here and you can use each other as excuse for leaving. I’ll be here and keep an eye on you and in case she gets out of control, I call the local herpers to catch her.” Dave presents his concept about the strategy I should follow.

“Herpers against herpes, it sounds like the name of some non-profit organization... Okay, approved but if I start yelling “red code”, you launch the rescue operation, that’s the signal.”

“Just go finally, the sooner you begin, the earlier you can get out of here.”

I grab my beer and walk to the small company around the table but as soon as I arrive, all its members fall suddenly silent.

“What’s up, Scully? Hi Claudia.” I greet them and get a dark look from the third person whom I’m trying to ignore to get away with the situation as simply as possible.

“Scully… what kind of name is that at all?” Claudia mutters listlessly; for some unknown reason her energetic behavior has gone; she’s playing with her hair bored leaning her face against her palm.

“There are some who call me… Tim.” Scully uses the occasion to crack a Monty Python joke.

“Tim the Enchanter.” I finish the quote basically swallowing the last syllable since I hear the other girl uttering the same words simultaneously.

“Is that some inside joke of yours?” Claudia mumbles unwillingly.

“Kind of.” I answer in the same style. “But his real name is Timothy, that’s the truth.”

“Anyway, these weird nicknames are pretty common in your crew. Scully… Stone… I wonder how you got this one.” she goes on in a monotonous voice. It’s strange, she doesn’t sound like someone who feels like having a conversation at all. Maybe she’s that depressed type of drunk.

“Guess what: from his parents.” the annoying little smartass answers instead of me raising one eyebrow.

“Oh, really? Your name is almost as bizarre as you.”

What. The. Actual. Fuck. I don’t mind if she spares me an uncomfortable talk and leaves me alone before I would ditch her but why is this turnaround?

“Judy, you promised you were going to play foosball with me! Come, the tables are finally free!” Scully jumps to his feet pulling his colleague by her hand.

“What? I didn’t promise anything, I…”

“Come on, you have a mind like a sieve, of course you did! We could invite the others too and you could teach us those mind-blowing tricks!” he drags her enthusiastically in the direction of the foosball tables; she seemingly protests a little but finally gives in and follows him reluctantly.

“Uhm… I hate to admit but she’s a first-class player.” I speak up with a sentence I didn’t want to say at all but the urge to break the awkward silence was strong enough that my mind forgot to look for better topics.

“Wow.”

Gosh, I’ll need anti-depressants, if she goes on like this.

“I everything okay?” I try to look in her eyes. “I mean… you seemed to have fun when you came over, you even danced… but now… I mean, if it’s a private thing, you don’t have to answer…”

“Stone… you are a really nice guy and all, handsome, actually funny but… I don’t think we would match.”

Thank God. But something I can’t explain makes me ask for the reason instead of confessing I’m not available anyway.

“Oh. I see. And… what makes you think we’re too different?”

“I don’t know… there are just so many antagonistic characteristics… For example, I don’t like animals. I mean, I just can’t get on well with them, I don’t even like watching documentaries on them.”

“I love them, I have a cat called Red and I love dogs too, my family has always had dogs. But I know there are people who feel strange when animals are around, I’m okay with that… what else?” I inquire; the suspicious feeling keeps telling me something’s not okay here, something’s FUCKIN’ not okay here. Maybe if I ask further questions, I get closer to the reason of her behavior.

“I don’t eat red meat at all.”

“Haha, then we have something in common. I have vegetarian phases from time to time and I’m right in the middle of one. I have nothing against meat but I only consume them at special occasions.”

“But that’s the point, I hate these special occasions!” she blurts out passionately. “And I loathe even the smell of beef, let alone touching it.”

“I repeat, I can live without it.” I laugh. “And… your concern about differences is really sweet but I have to tell you something: I have a girlfriend at home, we’ve been together for months so…”

“I know! And you’re so lucky to have someone who accepts you the way you are, even if your taste is everything but ordinary and…”

Let’s wait for a second… how does she know about Amber? And what’s this babbling about my quirky style? And what was this madness about animals and meat? My mind switches to replay mode and I try to recall the moments of the evening double-time… I see ourselves arriving, them coming to our table, us dancing to the fast-forward version of Hot Stuff, them disappearing in the restroom, them getting back from the restroom and joining Scully and J…STOP! Her. That. Little. Shit. It could be only her. She must have said something about me, something crazy shit, because that’s what she’s doing all the time, she tries to turn everybody against me and ruin my reputation and… Okay, first I have to get rid of Claudia, it’s not her fault, after all.

“Thanks for saying that, it’s very nice from you. And I’m sure, sooner or later you’ll find a guy who really fits you. I hope I didn’t hurt you but I don’t really like to talk about my private life. But I guess my friends enlightened you about the details to avoid misunderstandings…” I squint at her playing the gentle refusal routine. If my presumption is correct, it’ll turn out here and now.

“Oh yes!” she jumps on my words immediately. “Judy told me everything. She cares about you a lot, she’s such a good friend!”

“She is.” A good friend of cheap tricks and pretended innocence. But she’ll pay for this. “Her problems are usually similar to mine so we are pretty much on the same wavelength.” Whatever it is, I throw the shit back at that viper. “But this is so awkward and I don’t want to waste your time so… I wish you all the best and good luck with guys!” I stand up already thinking about medieval methods of torment I would gladly try on that two-faced dwarf.

“Thanks… and be happy with that lucky girl!” she sends a saddish smile and I feel guilty for a second for leaving her alone right when she stopped playing the role of the tempting seductress. But while I’m walking to the foosball tables, my thoughts are going back to my unfinished business with that hypocrite, mean…

“No, Scully, the point is in the right angle, look, I don’t shoot the ball until… hey, Scully, you’re not even watching… oh.” she suddenly falls silent and flushes as she follows the gaze of the pale, petrified guitar tech in my direction as I arrive to them. He was obviously trying to save her ass but I don’t blame him, he hates fights, he probably feels being between two fires.

“You know what? I’m also dying to learn more about your little tricks.” I stop at the foosball table with folded arms.

“Oh my God, I love tricks.” Claudia’s enthusiastic friend chirps from the other side of the table. “What? I do love them!” she whines not decoding the strict face the third member of their bunch sends at her after nudging her to finally shut up.

“S-sure, I gladly show them to you too…” the manipulative little beast stutters.

“Face-to-face.” I cut her off in my coldest voice and I can basically hear how hard she just swallowed.

“Ugh… let’s look for Jeff and Dave.” Scully steers the two confused, reluctant friends of Claudia out of range basically tossing them towards the bar counter.

“So, what do you want to know?” she asks almost cheerfully; what an acting performance.

“Oh, I want to know a lot of things… if aliens exist… where the other half of my favorite pair of socks might be… what’s the equivalent of blushing at chameleons… why Claudia suddenly started treating me as if I was a leper…”

“They do. Probably in Jeff’s suitcase. You can’t embarrass a reptile. Maybe she has finally seen the light…” she lists her answers shrugging nonchalantly. “But I guess it’s a relief for you, so we’re happy now, huh?”

“It depends. I wonder if someone helped her out with some useful information about me…”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about… not that it matters as for the result…” she starts spinning the sticks in the table for no reason, since no one else is around, it’s probably just a pathetic excuse for avoiding eye contact.

“You know, I like to decide on my own with whom I want to spend my time.”

“Do you absolutely exclude the possibility of other people feeling the same way? What if she just didn’t enjoy your company?”

“That’s not impossible but the marvelous change in her behavior makes me think something happened either in the restroom or at the table… and guess what? You were there the whole time too.”

“Are you stalking me? Jesus, should I have reported what I was doing at the loo? And I’m even sitting at tables, holy shit, that’s a federal crime.”

“She herself told you on. I haven’t figured out yet what you told her but I know Scully like the back of my hand; he’s obviously trying to cover for you but keeping secret and acting aren’t his strengths. Sooo… you can play dumb but it’ll take me less than two minutes to get everything out of him.”

Her hands stop fidgeting in the second she realizes there’s no point in denying.

“If you’re convinced that much, then why are you asking me? Just execute me here and now…” she stretches out her arms playing the role of the innocent, targeted victim.

“Nah, you can’t get away with it so easily. I wanna know why you did what you did.” I stand in her way since I can see her eyes mapping the possible escapes.

“Why do you want to know why I did what you think I did?” she asks back still keeping the poker face. She still thinks she can win, unbelievable.

“Well… it’s just interesting. Jeff and Dave danced with those girls too but as far as I can see, their popularity hasn’t decreased, I wonder why…” I turn around for a second and nod towards our table where the guys are laughing hard at something with Scully and Claudia’s friends, Claudia seems to have been vanished in the meantime, though.

“Because they don’t have girlfriends...” she remarks earnestly staring at them, not even noticing she broke the character.

“So that’s it? That’s why you did it? You think I can’t even look at other girls since I’m not single?”

“You just shouldn’t. I mean, you found a girl who meets your special needs, you wouldn’t have such luck once again in this lifetime.” she sits back on the high horse again.

“What special needs?” I ask eagerly hoping I can finally put the whole picture together.

“I don’t know, four boobs, tiny brain, large bed, I guess…” she goes on with the bullshit.

“That’s you theory about my needs? Wonderful… So you think I would have cheated on my girlfriend without your machination?” I raise my voice.

“I didn’t say that…”

“Did I kiss her?”

“You didn’t but…”

“Did I hug her?”

“You didn’t but…”

“Did I grope her?”

“You didn’t but…”

“Then what the fuck did I do that bothered your sensitive soul so much that you dared intervene in my business?” I lean over her making her back away.

“You laughed and…”

“What?” I scream. “You think me laughing with someone wearing skirt makes you entitled for shit-talking? You’re insane. You know what? You can play the self-proclaimed moral police of the crew or Seattle or the whole fuckin’ universe, I don’t give a fuck. Just leave. Me. Alone. Mind your own love life. Oh, wait? You don’t have one? Maybe that’s the problem?” I cover my mouth with my palm pretending shock.

“Screw you, Gossard.” she whispers hoarsely and tosses me away with her shoulder rushing past me.

***

I catch her at the entrance, in front of the building. Scully was right, she seems to be pretty upset.

“Shit, shit, SHIT!!!” she shouts emphasizing the last “shit” by kicking at full strength in the dumpster standing on the side of the road. “Fuck, fuck, FUCK!” she bounces with painful groans on one leg until she almost loses her balance and limps back to plop down onto the curb.

“I heard that Converse was planning to launch steel toe sneakers, first I thought the brand managers were tripping on something but seeing you it totally makes sense.” I remark as I take place next to her with the moves and in the pace of a seventy-year-old woman; this position is anything but comfortable for my permanently aching knee.

“Ha, very funny. I should have kicked him in the balls. With steel toe boots…” she mumbles taking her foot in her lap. “I hope I didn’t break my big toe.” she tries to make a diagnosis by palpation.

“If I’m not wrong, you’re talking about the genitalia of Stone Carpenter Gossard.”

To my biggest surprise, it’s not the anatomical term that catches her attention.

“What? Carpenter?” she asks snickering but she also wipes out an involuntary teardrop with the back of her hand from the corner of her eye in the meantime. Whatever happened, it must have actually hurt.

“Yes, that’s his middle name. But: you didn’t hear it from me. And, I know the temptation is huge but try to keep this information until you can use it with cool head.”

“I’m as cold as an icicle.” she sniffles bitterly.

“As a melting icicle.” I stop a next teardrop rolling down on her face with my thumb. “Come on, what happened?”

“Nothing. I’m just so sick of it. So sick of him.”

“What has he done?”

“You mean apart from getting addicted to oxygen twenty-something years ago?”

“Did he say something?” I ignore her sarcastic response.

She laces her arms around her knees and begins to examine her shoes.

“Did he do something?”

She insists on remaining silent and resists my interrogation pretending the patterns on her socks require all her attention.

“Or didn’t he say or do something? That’s the problem? Look, I don’t have to care about your childish quarrel. I just wanted to check if you’re okay since Scully was worried about you. But frankly, maybe too many people are already busy with trying to keep your war over sandbox toys under control.”

“You could finally decide on whose side you are…”

“Obviously on Stone’s. But it has practical reasons, Mike mentioned once he had drunk expired beer during a gig with his previous band and he’d vomited in the amplifier…” I try to ease the tension. “But Jesus, Judy, joke aside, I’m on nobody’s side, of course. I’m just trying to help but if I don’t know what happened, I can’t. And I’m helpless since believe or not, I know he’s a really great guy and I also know you’re an awesome chick and honestly, I have no clue why your arrival has turned him completely inside out.”

“So it’s my fault.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I’m just… so sick of him.”

“You’ve already said that.” I fish a tissue out of my pocket and hand her so that she doesn’t use her forearm to clean her nose.

“You know… he’s not the first smug prick I have to deal with, I met enough of them at Juilliard… but usually, I just ignored them.”

“Then why don’t you ignore him too?” I ask although I know there are several reasons that make this idea extremely difficult.

“I’m not in the position in which I could pretend he’s invisible. And inaudible. I mean, letting it slide sounds like a way that could be even effective, maybe he would get tired of torturing me after a while… but it’s not like high school bullying, I don’t have years to get rid of him, at least you have a glimmer of hope every year there that maybe the bullies find a new victim in the freshman class… But… despite what this whole situation looks like, this is the adult world. This is my job, the management is my employer and if the band is not satisfied with me, I’m going to be fired.”

“But they are satisfied with you…”

Her disbelieving expression makes me correct my sentence.

“They are not dissatisfied with you…”

“Stone is. And he’s the leader and main songwriter of the band so if it came to a dealbreaker… guess who would draw the short straw.”

“Who talks about a dealbreaker? At this point, you’re my trainee. You’re under my protection.”

“And you know what’s the most irritating part? That I’m trying, I’m really trying… I do everything to fulfil his wishes…”

“…which are often ridiculous, let’s be honest. I mean, he’s an immensely talented musician but he… all of them have to learn that being loud and raw isn’t the most important thing…”

“Exactly… I just want to turn up the volume until his monitor box explodes and then just shrug, like “you wanted this, fucker”.“ we both giggle recalling the awkward moments and the looks we exchanged at sound checks. “But what’s your strategy? How can you convince him?”

“Well… I don’t try to convince him with explicit arguments… somehow I learned how to make him believe that my suggestion was originally his idea.”

“Clever… but ah, I couldn’t make it… he disagrees with everything I come up with… it’s like an innate reflex at him.”

“Aaand you’ve just caught the point!” I snap with my fingers.

“…which is… that it’s a reflex and he can’t help it?” she frowns.

“No, the other thing you said… he disagrees with everything that comes from you.”

“…aaand…?” her hands circling around each other urge me for getting straight to the point. “Yes, I’m the problem, I know, there’s nothing new in that.”

“NO! And actually… I’d rather keep you in the dark about it. Namely, we’ve got a plan.”

Two plans actually, in case plan A doesn’t work…

“We? You and…?”

“Schmitty, Brett and Scully. None of them is particularly good at keeping secret but this time they are holding on, I’m very proud of them. But as far as I know you, you’d ruin everything if you knew the details.”

“I can’t wait… if it doesn’t involve a pair of dirty, stinky socks getting stuffed into Stone’s mouth, I’m not interested in it, anyway… whatever… sorry for being skeptical, the guy is smart, he smells plans and tricks from miles… and even if he doesn’t, he ruins your self-esteem and drives you into series of mistakes and then” she claps suddenly making me start ”he gets you and makes fun of you.”

“You don’t need to exaggerate, he’s not Satan itself…”

“Are you sure?” she narrows her eyes meaningfully. “I had finally gained some confidence by the time I graduated from Juilliard, I mean, I finally believed that being admitted and receiving a degree there meant I could really… achieve something… and now... I feel like I’m at the start again.”

“The situation is certainly out of your comfort zone… but you came from a different world… and his world is strange for you too and…”

“If it was only about this!” she cuts me off. “He’s mocking me permanently, at everything. Everything. Like in elementary school, he makes remarks about my look, my dresses…”

“But you mock him back!”

“… my love… life…” she goes on in a thinner voice. “Or… rather the lack of it. Rude remarks.”

Whoa, that’s new. Obviously, I’ve heard him cracking jokes about her innocent look and Jeff’s admiration for her that he rather disapproved than encouraged, by the way… but he hadn’t humiliated her publicly only for being single… I need a context.

“What did he say exactly?”

“He told me not to put my nose into other people’s business… and that I should to stay away from his private life and insulted me by saying I didn’t even have a love interest…” she recalls in a bored voice like she was reciting a textbook.

“That doesn’t make any sense… what happened before?” I inquire. Something tells me that’s only the second half of the story…

“We had sort of a… disagreement.”

“You don’t say…” I squint at her. “Come on, don’t make me pull everything out of you word by word!”

“Can I have a cigarette?” she asks out of the blue.

“But you don’t even smoke!” I protest.

“Do you want me to go on or not? Just give me a cigarette, please.”

“Oookaaay…” I hand her the pack with my lighter in it.

“So… there were those girls who showed up in the bar… they sat down to the guys’ table…” she begins as she hits the pack with her index finger a few times to set a cigarette free.

“Yes, I saw them, they even danced with them, it was hilarious!” I giggle. Honestly, not only the recall of the scene cracks me up, her fumbling with the lighter is hysterical too.

“One of them… Claudia… she hit on him. I mean, on Stone.” she utters with disgust as she succeeds in lighting the cigarette for about the sixteenth attempt.

“Oh yeah… she seemed pretty pushy.”

“Pushy is not the right term, she was just shameless! I encountered her in the restroom, she started asking questions about him, you know, if he’s single, what kind of girls he liked, stuff like that. And I… ahem… I told… ahem-ahem… I told her… ahem… I told he had a girlfriend ahem-ahem-ahem-ahem…”

Even the first drag drives her on the verge of choking.

“Are you sure you want to smoke it?”

“Yes, I am… ahem… I’m okay… I’m just… ahem. Okay. I think it’s over.” her breathing calms down finally. “So” she takes another drag, a perceptibly more cautious one “long story short, she didn’t even care… and that asshole didn’t even resist.”

“I didn’t see him reciprocating her approach… What should he have resisted?”

“Everything? OUCH!!!”

Due to her outraged hand moves, she managed to drop the ash onto her forearm.

“Okay, you give that to me…” I grab her by the wrist and take the cigarette between my own middle and index finger. “When you’re smoking, you have to ash it regularly to avoid accidents like this. It also burns while you’re talking, just sayin’…”

“Damn… but it’d feel really good to hold a cigarette in my hand while I’m flailing…” she whines still rubbing her forearm.”

“Here. But don’t even try to light it. We can pretend you’re smoking it. Go on.” I hand her a fresh cigarette and begin to puff the one I confiscated.

“And I got just… so angry! I mean, how can one be such a slut?” she gestures on with wider moves.

“Well, a lot of girls just want to have fun and…”

“No, I’m talking about him! He’s got a girlfriend… who must be beautiful and smart and perfect and… “

“Wait, you don’t know anything about her…”

“That’s true but guys like him obviously wouldn’t date any girl…”

I’m dying to know what she means by “guys like him” but maybe this is not the right moment to ask it straightforwardly…

“But he didn’t do anything particular with that girl…” I try to defend him effortlessly.

“Were you there too? Because I was. And trust me, without my intervention, a lot more would have happened…”

“Wait, your intervention?” I perk my head but receive no response. “Judy??? What did you do?”

“I… I might have said her a few things… about Stone…” she confesses with burning cheeks.

“Things like…???” I claim a detailed explanation. Maybe she’s not as innocent this time as I thought…

“I told her things about… what he likes…” she answers reluctantly.

“Like beer or dogs or disco music or what the hell? Tell me the whole fuckin’ story or I leave, I swear!” I flare out at her.

“Things… he likes in… bed…”

Oh. The idea of Judy disclosing Stone’s bedroom secrets sounds dangerous enough to make me choose my words wisely.

“But you… you don’t know what kind of sex he likes… do you?”

“Jesus, of course I don’t, I don’t even want to think about the fact that that freak has sex at all! Jesus… not even in my worst nightmares…” she rolls her eyes staring in front of her.

“But then… how did you know…”

“I… used my… imagination…” she sums up with a brief shrug.

I’ve never heard a more euphemistic synonym for lying. “I used my imagination…” Wicked woman.

“Oh my… and what was your intention with that?”

“To make her reconsider her choice… and to defend Stone from her… you know, I wanted to help him getting out of this situation, guys just never have the strength... I basically did him a favor!”

Of course, Judy helping Stone. I could even imagine it but strictly only after the arrival of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

“Thinking back about the beginning of our conversation, he couldn’t be particularly grateful for the helping hand…”

“Well, the thing is that the nature of our relationship sort of… influenced my word usage…”

“Judy, I’ve known you since your birth, you don’t need to use vague sentences… just tell what you told her finally!”

“I told her he liked watching animals, I might have mentioned mating animals. For example, watching David Attenborough video tapes before he…”

“I get it, I get it… but that’s not that extreme, thank God you didn’t say he liked animal porn in which people do it with animals…”

“Maybe I mentioned further preferences too… maybe I said something about him liking eating from the girl’s body…”

“That can even be hot, a lot of people are into it, that’s not that bad at all, Judy…” I snicker.

“…unusual food… like bloody steak with Worcestershire sauce… with knife and fork…”

I immediately stop giggling and freeze because I have the sinister feeling she still has something to confess.

“Uhm… I thought you were talking about potentially erotic food like strawberry and whipped cream but in case the girl likes steak too…”

“…and it’s possible I said things about his… performance too…”

“Oh, no.”

“I remember mentioning… he needs, uhm, special actions to become… motivated.” she fidgets with her shoelaces absent-mindedly, wrapping them around her index fingers.

“Okay, whatever, go ahead, I’m prepared.” I cover my eyes with my hands as if they could prevent me from visualizing her bizarre ideas.

“As far as I can recall… I claimed his main turn-on was watching the girl doing her business…”

“You mean doing the business? Like… pleasing… herself?” I ask back since don’t want to believe what I heard.

“I said doing her business… on the toilet…” she repeats with a miserably groan, reddening and avoiding my gaze.

“Judy… you know I’m always ready to defend you from anything or anybody but… it’s no wonder Stone attacked you again.”

“No wonder? He deserved it! After all that bitching…”

“He deserved it? Helping hand, of course… you basically humiliated him in front of a girl!” I scold her trying to keep a serious face, which is not easy at all.

“Do you think I went too far?” she asks innocently with sincere concern. For a second, she turns back into the ten-year-old version of herself who was scared of everything and everyone and it costs me a lot of restraint not to hug her. “Anyway… thinking back… it was so funny, you should have seen the girl’s face.”

I admit, this is the most hilarious shit I’ve heard in the last few years and Stone does deserve some payback from time to time but I don’t want to confirm her behavior. I’m sticking on my plan about getting them to make up or at least to normalize their relationship.

“Judy…” I begin with a deep sigh “Most guys are very sensitive as for their masculinity and sexual abilities, even if they are not typical machos. When they are joking about themselves – that’s okay, a guy with a healthy amount of self-irony is usually considered funny or even attractive. If another guy teases them with sexual topics – they just fire back, with words or their fist. But if it’s a girl who makes fun of their performance – they just freak out, they can’t hit you, they can’t assert they are sex gods either, their only way to defend themselves is attacking back verbally and they try to be at least as rude as you were. Or even ruder.”

“Oh, please, Karrie, I don’t need to be lectured on the psychology of men. He didn’t even know what I said exactly, he wasn’t there of course.”

“But it was you who said he’s smart, he probably figured out the point of it, the chick didn’t seem to be a rocket scientist and she probably didn’t even realize she got in the middle of your death match…”

“Or he was just taking shots in the dark and had luck. Scully was there and Stone was about to torment him so that he would tell him everything word by word… poor dude… So everything will turn out, anyway. By the way, Stone immediately thinking that I’m the potential reason of him being refused by a girl is insulting but also flattering at the same time…”

“Judy, I’ve never denied that it’s pretty difficult to bear Stone’s remarks without saying a word. But getting a taste of his own medicine only gets him fired up all the more, he always wants to have the last word, he’s simply just like that. And if you want to be the quicker one and make his jaw really drop, you have to get your shit together. But to be honest, I’d be happier if you’d keep your quarrels on the level of innocent teasing…”

“It was already everything but innocent in that very moment he heard my name for the first time. It didn’t depend on me, it’s all his fault and he has to face the music at least once his lifetime!” she declares determined.

I better activate plan A as fast as possible before someone gets killed.

***

I can’t wait this terrible day finally come to an end. I just want to take a shower and have some sleep… but I don’t even know how I could get myself to close my eyes, this place is a mess. What if cockroaches come out of their hideouts in the second I turn off the lights? But I’m so tired… what if I asked the driver to open the tour bus for me? Sleeping in the bunk bed sounds definitely safer… but what if he’s already sleeping? I don’t even know his room number and the reception desk was empty too; I don’t feel like looking for the staff in this haunted house. I better start with a shower, it always helps clear my mind. I’m so busy with my own thoughts that I basically bump into Beth in the hallway who’s walking sleepily towards their room; she must be coming from the shower judging from her wet hair.

“Already back here? It wasn’t a long evening…” she mutters in a tired voice.

“I’ve had enough of it. Is everything okay?” I examine her resigned face.

“Yes… uhm… Ed was typing lyrics the whole evening and then he passed out… so I had a shower and I’m about to go to bed too.” she rubs her eyes. “Carefully with the water tap, I almost scalded myself due to that crap. It’s better to wait at least thirty seconds before standing under the water and be careful when you try to change the temperature, there’s not much transition between ice cold and scalding hot, I had to mess around a lot until I could find the optimal level.”

“If I can’t work it out, I’ll just shower with cold water, that wouldn’t be the first time.” I wave.

“Ugh, if you’re a masochist…”

“It’s not the most pleasant thing I can imagine but at least it’s not dangerous either. It can be even refreshing sometimes.”

“Oookay… as you want... And there are no hooks in the shower either, by the way. But no bugs there so far either… Good night!” she pats my shoulder with almost closed eyes and totters to their door.

As I unlock the door of our room, I reach in with one arm to turn on the light and wait for a few seconds before entering; I don’t want to see my little roommates running in the corners. I lift the blanket on my bed only to realize the bedclothes aren’t the cleanest and there’s no towel prepared for the guests. Thank goodness I didn’t listen to Effie when she tried to dissuade me from bringing my own one; she claimed hotels always offer towels and travel-size personal care products… So much for Effie’s assumptions. Of course I also brought my toiletry bag decorated with treble keys and musical notes containing small bottles of shower gel, body lotion, a tiny tube of toothpaste and… due to the foresight of Effie, my “emergency package” now includes also gratuitous amount of condoms that stare at me accusingly every time I unzip it. I decide to leave my clothes in the room since I don’t like when there’s no place where I could arrange them properly, I don’t want my sleeping shirt and boxers to get wet either. There’s no living soul here, no one would see me walking a few meters only wearing a towel…

But when I pull it out of my backpack, I realize there’s one thing I didn’t take into account: I brought a smaller towel to spare place for other clothes. As I wrap it around my body, I have to trick for a while until I can arrange it in a way that it covers both my chest and my backside at the same time. Since it’s not only narrow but also short, I can forget the ordinary method of walking, I can basically only waddle pressing both arms tight to my body without exposing anything. I try to exercise this ridiculous way of moving pacing back and forth between the two sides of the room a few times and I end up sitting back on the bed hesitating if I should dress up again. I’m at a public place, after all. But fuck it, I’m tired, I had tequila and this day can’t get any worse, anyway. I peek out to the hallway to make sure I won’t get unexpected company and I set off to cover the longest twenty meters in my life. In duckwalk. But my bravery pays off, I encounter no one so on entering the shower, I finally allow myself to relax.

I put the toiletry bag on the classroom chair in front of the sinks in the forefront and fish out the shower gel bottle. I leave my glasses on the bag and head towards the innermost compartments. I decide to hang my towel on the wall separating the opposite compartments and after turning on the water, immediately jump backwards to safe distance. Beth’s advice on the adjustment proves to be useful and a few minutes later, I’m already enjoying the pleasant, warm water. Of course I brought my favorite, rough sponge too, it always helps refresh my blood circulation.

I catch myself rubbing my body stronger and stronger as I involuntarily recall tonight’s events. What a prick. Of course he deserved everything, I don’t have to feel ashamed about anything. It was him who looked for trouble. His girlfriend would have felt terrible, if she’d seen that disgusting scene so I did the right thing. His huge ego just can’t accept, this time someone was smarter than him. It’s so pathetic when a man needs this cheap kind of confirmation to feel his masculinity ensured. But come on, Stone Gossard’s name referred in connection with manliness and masculinity is the most ridiculous idea in the world, he’s got the body and mind of a thirteen-year-old.

I turn off the water and spill a few drops of shower gel into my palm but as soon I touch my shoulder with it, I hear a noise. A squeaky noise. A squeaky noise of an opening door. Oh no. No, no, no. The smacking sound of slippers on the tiled floor leaves no doubts that I have a visitor and the lazy, shuffling steps are approaching. I pull in the corner and don’t even dare breathe, I’m shivering but not only of cold, shit, what if it’s a stranger? What if it’s a man? What if I make some noise only with my mere existence? I got trapped here naked and… The sound of steps ceases and the water starts running right in the shower cubicle next to mine. Luckily, the wall is high enough to hide me although I can’t check the other person without revealing my presence either. A few seconds have gone by when humming gets mixed into the sound of water… Oh shit, it’s a male voice. The humming slowly turns into singing and my blood runs cold when I realize: I know this nasal bleat.

“If you didn’t come to party, don’t bother knockin’ on my door…”

[holeinwallpoem]

Hey folks that for some reason follow this blog, today I’m going to be talking about a random topic and that topic will be my “analysis” of the songs in Twisted, though it’s pretty much just what songs I think they sound most similar to/what references there are. Source: me, a fan of Starkid, Disney movies, and Wicked, who only knows minimal music theory. 

(I had a video on this but I was scared Disney would sue me.)

Prologue: I don’t know if this song is actually called “Prologue” in Twisted (is it actually just considered part of the beginning of Dream A Little Harder?), but it sounds extremely similar to the Prologue of Beauty and the Beast. The scenes are also both setting up backstory for the events of the actual story, so they’re similar in that way. Plus the BatB parallels become more apparent in the next song...

Dream A Little Harder: I think most people realize that this song is mostly a parody of Belle from BatB, especially at the beginning. There are several quotes from the original song, such as “Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up!” and “I need six eggs!”, plus Ja’far does everything Belle does in the original. The song also specifically references “Whistle While You Work” and “Spoonful of Sugar”.

I Steal Everything: This is Aladdin’s introduction song, and so it parodies Aladdin’s original introduction song, “One Jump Ahead”. Again, this is probably pretty obvious. The line leading into the song is “I steal only what I can’t afford, and that’s everything”, which is a line from “One Jump Ahead”. The sections of the song that go “Hippie! Fucker! Slacker! Sucker!” parallel “Riff raff! Street rat! Scoundrel! Take that!”.

Everything and More: This is a princess “I Want” song, so what better song to use as a reference than another princess “I Want” song? This parodies “Part Of Your World”. It is not quite as direct as some others, but it is especially obvious in the structure of the song and the lyrics at the beginning and the end: “Look at my life from the outside and sure, I've got servants and tigers and stuff. You're probably thinking, ‘She's got everything’. Well it's true 'cause I do, But so the fuck what, it's not enough” vs. “she's got everything. I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty, I've got whozits and whatzits galore. (You want thingamabobs? I got twenty) But who cares? No big deal. I want more,” and “What I wouldn't give to live in a new situation” vs. “What would I give, If I could live outta these waters?”.

Sands of Time: I can’t think of a particular song this one could be inspired by. It makes me sad though.

Golden Rule (& Evil Reprise I guess): It could just be me but this song really reminds me of “The Bare Necessities”. Both songs are sharing a character’s philosophy of life, plus the lyrics “simple reciprocity is always my philosophy, I get back what I give” reminds me of “I mean the bare necessities, Old Mother Nature's recipes, that brings the bare necessities of life”. I think the jazzy instrumentals sound similar as well. I guess the Evil Reprise would just be the dark version?

A Thousand and One Nights: I don’t think this song parodies a specific other song, but it seems to be inspired by other Disney romantic duets. However, I think the guitar is reminiscent of a lot of Wicked songs, like “Dancing Through Life” and “As Long As You’re Mine”. The credits version is a parody of the cheesy pop/R&B versions of duets in Disney movies from the 90s and even early 2000s.

If I Believed: This song doesn’t really remind me of any others either. It also makes me sad though.

Orphaned at 33: This one parodies “Proud of Your Boy”, another Aladdin ballad. Even though the latter was only included as part of the musical, which was after Twisted, it was written for the movie and included as bonus features. The structures of the songs are the same, especially the bridge sections. I think both are in the same key as well. You can basically sing the lyrics to the bridge of one song to the melody of the other:

“They call me a jerkoff, a burnout, a punk But I can't let that junk in my head I could've been a contender If not for the fact that my parents are dead All things considered, I think I turned out pretty good Pulled myself up by my bootstraps and started Stealing all I could” vs.

“Tell me that I've been a louse and loafer You won't get a fight here, no ma'am Say I'm a goldbrick, a goof-off, no good But that couldn't be all that I am, Water flows under the bridge Let it pass, let it go There's no good reason that you should believe me Not yet, I know but“

Bonus: “I’m gonna live forever!” is reference to “Fame”.

Happy Ending: Ja’far’s lyrics to this song parody Elphaba in “The Wizard And I”. Both characters are fantasizing about a future where they will be celebrated, and there’s a bit of ironic foreshadowing. The instrumentals also sound similar, though kind of at different parts (“one day the genie will say to me...” lines up more with “unlimited, my future is unlimited” in terms of piano underscoring, though the lyrics better match “one day he’ll say to me...).

“They'll throw a parade in my honor...The people will cheer for the royal vizier...Not that I care for glory...And one day the genie will say to me: ‘Ja'far, you're a man of such virtue’...share an itty-bitty living space,”

“A celebration throughout Oz that's all to do with me!...When people see me, they will scream...But of course that's not important to me...And one day, he'll say to me, ‘Elphaba, A girl who is so superior’...I’d be so happy I could melt!”

No One Remembers Achmed: I don’t think this one parodies any specific songs. Or maybe I just don’t remember them?

Take Off Your Clothes: Again, pretty obvious, but this one parodies “A Whole New World”. The structure of the songs is the same, lyrics are similar (”shining, sparkling, metallic” and “shining, shimmering, splendid”), the rhythms are the same or similar, and the melodies are basically inverses of each other.

Twisted: The parts for the other villains parody their songs, ie. Ursula’s part sounds like “Poor Unfortunate Souls” and Scar’s part sounds like “Be Prepared”. Ja’far’s part I think sounds similar to “No Good Deed” in Wicked. Both characters have chosen to become the villain everyone thinks they are after believing they have lost everything (...even though neither one really becomes a villain even after this part). Lots of electric guitar. Genius also says the beginning music sounds like “Damned For All Time” from Jesus Christ, Superstar, but I’m not a big ALW fan so I can’t vouch for that. It probably does though. Ja’far also references Hamlet by using a phrase from the “To Be or Not To Be?” soliloquy, “’tis nobler in the mind”.

“But I had good intentions, I did it for a reason...I'll give them all the unsung antihero they deserve. I've nothing left to lose, so the only path to choose is twisted...Let my life be twisted, I'll be twisted, it's my turn!”

“Who cares if no one will ever mourn me?”

“My road of good intentions led where such roads always lead...Let all Oz be agreed, I'm wicked through and through...I promise no good deed will I attempt to do again, ever again! No good deed will I do again!”

“No one mourns the wicked.”

The Power In Me: In theme and location in the show, as well as some of the lyrics, this song parallels “For Good” from Wicked. The lyrics “I’ll carry you in my heart” are similar to “you’ll be with me, like a handprint on my heart.” Other than that I don’t think the music is that similar but the themes definitely are.

A Thousand And One Nights (Reprise): This one parodies Disney finales. It sounds kinda like the Aladdin finale, which is a reprise of “A Whole New World”.

Ok that’s it! Idk why I made this post, but here you go!

[mspa-music-analysis]

Beyond Canon - exclusion zone

alright first song in the Beyond Canon album, exclusion zone. lets break it up. 

PERSONAL THOUGHTS/LISTENING EXPERIENCE

I got literal fucking shivers. Holy shit. Holy shit. The first twenty seconds of this song is it’s own fucking experience. When the vocals come in at 00:46 I feel as though I am standing on a craggy cliff face, maybe on a mountain, the sky is grey, there’s mist and magic in the air, and I should be dreading something. I feel like taking a deep breath and preparing to see an army coming up over the adjacent hill. I feel like I’m about to go up against something huge. 

When I first clicked on the new Homestuck album in disbelief, double checking the release date, I wasn’t expecting much. Sure Homestuck music is utterly wonderful, but I’ve never been able to listen to instrumentals very well, they don’t capture my attention without lyrics to focus on. but hearing the first few notes of this song. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I am not the same man. Oh my god. This first minute is what got me to listen to this entire album in one sitting.

At 1:00 you hear a muffled voice and the sound of breaking glass, and it feels like the illusion of nature and magic and dread shatters. A robotic voice chimes in ‘you just made a monster’ and you get it, for just a second. You feel like something terrible has happened and you have no idea how the fuck you’re going to pick up the pieces. This song sets the stage for the album, and it makes anticipation thrum through your bones, especially on the first listen. 

The latter half of the song is letting this feeling sink in, letting your anticipation, your excitement, your dread, grow into a magnificent beast. As the last bit cycles you feel your heartbeat quicken, your breath catch, and you just have to sit there for a second. Holy shit. This song feels like saying ‘holy shit’ in reverence. Over and over again.

The ending feels like you have no idea what the fuck you’re getting into. All you can do is click onto the next song. 

INSTRUMENTAL/VOCAL ANALYSIS

I’m no musical expert, but I’m going to try to explain this as well as I can. Music snobs, sorry, experts, please remember I am but a humble fool who has never taken a music class beyond fifth grade. An amateur if you will. 

I’m going to be using the word synth so fucking much in these, aren’t I. I’m torn between some sort of string, a synth, or an organ playing the opening notes, and I’m fairly sure it’s the synth. Homestuck music wouldn’t be Homestuck music for not the synth. 

The synth, as I am going to call it despite how unsure I am that it is one, immediately gives you an overwhelming cathedral feeling. You get a little while to marinate in this feeling before the vocals chime in. The vocals and the synth meld so beautifully into each other, they feel so natural coming together. There’s a moment where you say ‘yay! vocals in a Homestuck song!’ which will later seem oh so ironic. 

Then, in a change of tone, a muffled, hard to understand, male-sounding voice pops in. It sounds like a frantic report, breaking news, or a call for backup. It could sound to some like officials chasing dangerous dissenters, and to others a discreet warning to fellow rebels that the brass are coming. I tried so fucking hard to get an audio editing program to pick this shit apart, but I have a Chromebook for some godforsaken reason. Sorry, folks, we’ll have to see if anyone replies to my tweet with our answers. For reasons, which are definitely real actual reasons with no attachment to aesthetics, I am going to call this voice ‘the radio’. 

Directly after the infuriating piece of walky-talky Esq vocals, there’s a sound of breaking glass. I think perhaps that is my favorite moment in the entire track, if not the entire album. Not to assign too much meaning to a singular bit of sound, but it feels like every expectation I had for Homestuck music was completely shattered. Like the glass ceiling that prevented Homestuck music from becoming legendary because it was just a shitty web-comic (which was already untrue) is broken through with just the first half of this song. Does that make sense? In short, this album really is on an entire other level of music entirely, and it knows it. This is possibly supported by the album cover, which is Ultimate Dirk sitting in a pile of previous Homestuck album covers. Must I explain this one? (I will if you ask, really. I’m perhaps a bit too eager, in fact.)

Directly after the glass shatters, more instruments join in. I think these are also synths? It sounds techy, it sounds dystopian. You know when people say techno is just beeps and boops? Yeah, there’s a lot of beeps and boops in this, and frankly, I love it. Then, another distorted, techy, mechanical, feminine?, voice pops in saying ‘you just made a monster’. I’m going to call this voice the monster, but not necessarily because I think they are the monster, and I will elaborate on this later. This is my second favorite moment in the track. It’s just. Wow. Breathtaking. The monster repeats for a while, the rest of the song. The third time, an almost more human sounding, but not by much, monster joins in. There’s an air of indignance, of anger, desperation, vengeance. It sounds like there’s another phrase buried under some sounds there, at 1:28? I absolutely can not make it out for the life of me, and it is driving me crazy. 

The monster is chopped up and distributed evenly throughout the rest of the song, quite fucking marvelously. At 1:39 there’s a pause in the instrumental, and for just a second, you’re left with this steady note sung by the monster. It’s haunting. I didn’t notice it my first few listen throughs, but now that I’ve been sitting here looping the track, I can’t help but hear it. It definitely gives me a feeling, but I haven’t decided what that feeling is yet. 

The sound bits that sound like a broken robot, or another voice saying ‘anoyie’ over and over, are quite possibly going to drive me insane. I find myself desperately needing to hear where the fuck these audio bytes came from. I need to hear the originals. I do not care if they are random mouth noises. My curiosity is insatiable. I am fairly sure it is just the monster cut to hell, but there’s just something nagging at me saying otherwise. I don’t know, perhaps I’m finally going insane from looping the robot song for two hours. 

I don’t love the ending? There’s one last monster repeat, a sort of clapping sound (an interesting change of pace), silence for half a second, more of that damned ‘anoyie’ and I am further convinced it is not the monster, and then nothing. It isn’t quite unsatisfying, but it isn’t satisfying either. It is most certainly an ending. I can say for a fact there are instruments in the ending. And that’s all I have to say on that.

HERE’S WHERE SHIT GETS CRAZY

Alright, time to sound like a madman. Here is where I am going to assign arbitrary Homestuck-related, possibly plot-related, meaning. Take all of this with a grain of salt and forgive my overuse of phrases like ‘I feel’ and ‘I think’. 

So, putting the song in the context of the album title ‘Beyond Canon’, and therefore most likely The Epilogues and Homestuck^2, I do indeed have a few theories. Not all make a whole lot of sense, and a few are based quite heavily on ‘feelings’ and ‘vibes’. I hated putting vibes in quotes, never make me do that again. To start with, the beginning, before the radio, reminds me very much of Ultimate Dirk (Ult. Dirk), Terezi, and RoseBot on that new planet. Perhaps because of the air of desolation, not in relation to the note, and foreboding? Perhaps because I have assigned an air of forced serenity to this part, and I very much feel like Ult. Dirk is trying to force serenity onto his section of the narrative, despite what’s coming his way? Hm. Much to think about. 

The radio, I cannot puzzle out exactly. DaveBot, perhaps? Trying to break through from the Candy universe and coming out muffled? I don’t have much to go on, and I am waiting until I have figured out exactly what the radio is actually saying. 

The glass shattering. Oh, the glass shattering. Fenestrated plane, anyone? The fourth wall, anyone? Good god, shattered glass + Homestuck = SHIT IS GOING DOWN. This makes me very excited. It could just be metaphorical, as I was saying before, but I very much have a feeling that things are going to get that particular brand of very Homestuck fucked soon. And I am oh so excited. 

The monster! Oh, how I love the monster. There’s so many things I can see the monster being, as well as referencing. Lets get right the fuck into it. First! The Auto Responder, or Lil’ Hal. You know how every splinter and alternate self combines to create the Ultimate Self? (I have so many theories about this, oh my god, I might make an entire other blog for more Homestuck analysis) Well, what if it isn’t a perfect meld? Dirk is a Prince, after all, a destroyer. There’s no way, however Ultimate he may be, he’s perfect and whole. What if specific splinters find their way to shine through? Like, for instance, Hal accusing Dirk of making a monster out of all his iterations. I know, it’s far fetched, and I took quite a few liberal steps to get there. But just perhaps.

A not so wild theory is an obvious one, I think. The monster is Rosebot. It’s vaguely feminine, robot-y, and references a recent creation. Rose’s consciousness breaking through Dirk’s command? Seems likely to me. 

A third! Perhaps it’s DaveBot? It seems less likely than the RoseBot theory, due simply to the femininity of the voice, but at the same time it seems like DaveBot would be more likely to fight Dirk’s control of his personal narrative, if only because we haven’t seen his robot form be entirely complicit yet. Either way, I doubt this one. I just want it on the record in case I’m right. *wink*. (I refuse to use a winky face in a semi-serious analysis, it just feels wrong.)

And this one isn’t really a theory, but I keep coming back to it. Is anyone else reminded of AradiaBot? Especially that second of the monster just singing with no instrumental. I can give no explanation except for a feeling. I wasn’t going to include this, but, well, trust your gut or something. Maybe she’ll come back and my random thought will be justified. 

Now, do I think this will be used in Homestuck^2 as a flash at some point. Short answer: I don’t know. Long and less shitty answer: I feel as though it could go either way! I can’t really see a song with vocals like this getting a flash, if only because it’s very straightforward and I don’t know if you can jam a whole lot of plot into this song, unlike some of the others. That said, it would be just like Homestuck to completely blow away my expectations and jam the entire ending into it. Hey, Homestuck? Please don’t do that. I love Act 7, I really do, but also just please don’t. Ever again, thank you. 

Maybe Meat Kanaya will liberate RoseBot from Ult. Dirk’s control and this song will play as she beats the shit out of him. I would like that, I think. 

CONCLUSIONS

Personal Rating: Holy Shit 

Objective Musical Rating: Robots Have Never Sounded So Vengeful And I Love It

Plot-Relevance Rating: It’s Possible But The Outlook Isn’t Good, Chief 

Would It Stand On Its Own?: Fuck Yes It Would. I Sang This When I Came Out Of The Womb.

did u nut tho: yuh

[on-the-shelves]

on my shelf: soundtrack to my fourth year of uni - summer

I’m finally done with my Bachelor’s thesis! I might make a separate, more detailed post about it, since the topic is relevant for what this blog is about (of course it is haha), but for now I can say my topic was an analysis of the use of elements from the “Pop-Star-System” in building up a girlgroup career. I looked at the history of Pop-Stars and analysed the album covers of the Supremes’ first two albums, as well as the Spice Girls and Girls’ Generation’s first albums/physical releases. It was a lot of work, but I really enjoyed the topic. Oh and if anyone was wondering, I’m doing a Media Studies degree, which is why I could tackle such a cool topic.

Anyway! So working on my thesis took up my entire summer semester because I luckily didn’t have any classes left to attend, so I was thankfully spared the whole online class ordeal. The music I mentioned in my last post (”Quarantunes”) has mostly stayed on repeat in the past few months. Besides an ever steady stream of BTS, there are a couple of new things to add to the list:

Tomorrow X Together: The Dream Chapter: Eternity (2020)

Now THIS is the release I’ve been waiting for from them. Their previous album had one song that had a co-writing credit for one of the members (Hueningkai on “Rollercoaster”), but this album has more! We’re finally starting to hear their writing talents more. “Maze in the Mirror” was written/demo’ed entirely by one member (Beomgyu) and in the process of preparing it for this release the other members also wrote parts. It’s a beautiful, melancholic, and dynamic song that I can highly recommend for listening to before going to sleep. The lyrics talk about how unsure they felt before debuting. I can’t wait to hear more songs where they talk about their personal experiences, because clearly they’re good at it. In general this album is much darker than their previous two releases and they suit them well. The songs are more varied, too: You have the classic TXT style opening song, but the lead single “Can’t You See Me?” is full of angst, which is new for them. “PUMA” is like dark R&B, while “Fairy of Shampoo”, a reworked cover of a popular 1990s Korean song, is more city-pop. And then you have “Eternally” which reminded me of twenty one pilots’ “Ode to Sleep” in the way it completely changes up its style several times throughout the song. It’s all coherent and flows well from top to bottom though, and I think they’re well on their way to carving their own niche in the saturated and often same-same (k-) pop landscape.

Agust D: D-2 (2020)

He finally came back. SUGA of BTS last released a mixtape under his solo moniker Agust D in 2016. That one was very dark, brazen at times, and incredibly open and honest about his struggles, ending on a note of hoping that things will get better. This follow-up release makes it clear that Agust D has become a slightly different person in the past few years. He’s still brazen at times, but he has good reason to be, looking at how incredibly successful BTS has become since 2016. As always, he makes fun of those who decide to be haters but cleverly never gets too specific - if you feel attacked, that’s on you. There is a lot of introspection on this album too. It’s generally much less defeated or dark than on the 2016 self-titled release, but it’s still not all sunshine and rainbows. His problems have morphed -  he has now achieved his dreams, but it’s not quite what he expected it to be. There are a lot of thoughts about dreams, about what it means to grow up, about what his position in the world means and feels like. That sounds like it’s very focused on himself and might be inaccessible to us non-famous people, but that’s absolutely not the case. A lot of it are quite mundane questions that everyone asks themselves in their 20s, like “what am I doing with my life?” and “what kind of person am I really?”. He makes it clear that he doesn’t have the answers, but he somehow makes you feel comforted in that uncertainty. The musical style is more like current hip-hop, where Agust D was more like harder, older hip-hop, but retains his (especially recent) typical, very melodious style, with him even singing some choruses. There are various styles and interesting production choices that make for a varied, but cohesive listening experience. 

Hayley Williams: Petals for Armor (2020)

I mentioned this album in the “Quarantunes” post as well, but the full album was released after that went up, so it deserves another mention here. This album tells a story of an emotional journey towards healing, without ever getting preachy or feeling insincere. In several interviews Hayley mentions her therapy journey and learning to deal with her trauma and how this album helped with that. Listening to all the songs in order, a journey of self-discovery, -acceptance, and -empowerment is laid out. All these things are typically found in little things and learning to change your perspective. It’s Hayley’s most feminine work yet, in the sense that she’s embracing all of her different aspects: the delicate, the powerful, the rage, the love. Everything is wrapped in sounds inspired by Alternative music, but more, as said before, the Björks, Radioheads, and synth-y 80s artists, instead of loud guitar bands. My favourite songs are “Crystal Clear”, “Roses/Lotus/Violet/Iris”, “Over Yet”, “Cinnamon” and “Simmer”.

IU: Palette (2017)

When it was announced that IU and SUGA from BTS (two of the most popular artists in Korea) would release a collab song, I decided to check out her (IU’s) music more intensely, because I only knew one or two of her songs from the Dalkom Café playlist on Spotify. One of them is on this album, “Palette (ft. G-Dragon)”. This album, to me, best encapsulates IU’s sound: from heartbreaking ballads to satisfying light K-R&B, to slightly darker, groovy K-R&B (I think that’s the right genre term..), this one has them all. I’m not the biggest fan of ballads, but I enjoy IU’s voice so much that I don’t mind listening to them at all. I really love it, however, when she leaves that style behind for the slightly darker, or at least more pop sounds, like on “Palette”, but especially on “Jam Jam” and “Black Out”. She has a certain attitude on those songs that are slightly opposite of the pure, innocent image I previously had of her. It seems very sincere though, most likely because she writes on all of her songs. She has been utilising this style more often in recent years, on songs like “Bbibbi” and “Blueming” (both certified bops). “Eight”, the collab with SUGA, is an uplifting, yet bittersweet feeling pop anthem that almost feels like it could’ve been just a little bit longer. I’ll probably dive deeper into her lyrics soon and I’m excited for what I will find.

Sunmi: Warning (2018)

Last summer, Sunmi released the single “Lalalay” and I immediately loved it. I learned the choreography pretty much the week after I heard it the first time. Unfortunately, she didn’t seem to have much other music on her Spotify page though, just a couple of older singles (which I also immediately loved). This year she released “pporappippam” (which is basically the romanization of the Korean title which translates to Purple Night), a bittersweet, nostalgic, summer pop song, like only Sunmi can do. Seriously, no one else in K-Pop is releasing music like hers, and they probably don’t even dare to try. For those who don’t know, she used to be in one of the historically most popular girlgroups Wonder Girls. But besides that, she has been releasing her own style of pop since she started releasing solo music and Warning (which they must’ve only recently put on Spotify in full) is a pretty good encapsulation of that sound. It’s almost like a mix between K-Pop and K-R&B, but more like IU’s moodier songs for example. It’s not flashy and sparkly, but it’s not full-on groove either. It’s a bit of both and it works perfectly for her. 

--

Special mentions for new albums I haven’t listened to that much but do enjoy a lot: HAIM’s Women in Music Part III, Irene&Seulgi’s Monster, Taylor Swift’s folklore (released like a week before this post is published but it’s undeniably good and will get a longer write-up when I’ve had more time with it), Loona’s discography

[graciehart]

Lover track by track

SO. I’m currently out of the country and it took me awhile to finish this, but I’m sharing my thoughts for anyone who cares to read it. There’s SO much more to say and I wish it was better written because I like when words are nice and convey exactly what you want to say (I’m doing this all on my phone) but you get the general feel and that’s what’s important, the emotions. Come talk to me if you want!!!!

I tried to put a read more but I’m not sure if I can on mobile? Because mobile is its own special nightmare so I’m soRRY

I Forgot That You Existed | The way this song starts (and the whole thing) reminds me a lot of a Lauv song. Something about it just does. It’s a wonderful start to the album, I think, because it IS her moving on, but it isn’t yet the level of “step into the daylight and let it go.” It’s the first step; it’s realizing that not everyone deserves a place in your life, but closer to Reputation than other songs on the album (like the “so... yeah” which I LOVE but, I think, has a slightly different attitude than she ends with). I love her delivery of different lines in this song; you can hear the freedom in her comments, giggles, and speaking.

Cruel Summer | I saw a post that said fans of “Getaway Car” would like this one and I GET IT now. It’s inexplicably tied to that song in my mind, something about the production and melody and everything, even the ending on the third beat. And I love it. One thing I’ve missed about pre-1989 is her lyrics; not to say any album of hers doesn’t have insanely clever and meaningful lyrics (because they all do), but I think there is just something so incredible about her Speak Now and Red lyrics especially. It’s part of why pop music in general isn’t my main genre. But this early on and I knew Lover was everything I have ever wanted in a pop album. “Taylor Swift” is its own genre, and will always be my favorite genre, but this song just... so perfectly marries her older songwriting with her newer song production. Her voice when she calls him a devil oh my that was god tier I swear—and lines like “devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes” and “in these trying times we’re not trying” are so clever and akdjslsjsk I love Taylor Alison Swift.

Lover | She mentioned that the album was almost called Daylight and even though I might’ve preferred that (lover is still not my favorite word), I’m so happy that “Lover” is the, as she calls it, flagship song. There is a palpable warmth and security in the tone of the song, and you can hear her smile as she sings. She is in love—a real, steadfast, quiet love. A love that isn’t composed of extraordinary moments that her younger self fantasized about in songs, but of little details and daily routines and the way love’s presence pervades every aspect of life.

The Man | Ugh she IS a fearless leader, she IS the alpha type—to write a song with as much BDE as this you have to be. She is the shit and she knows it, and I love the lyrics and vocabulary of the song! Like how she talks about being able to separate behavior from ideas and accomplishments or actions from character—it’s such a difficult thing to really work into a song as seamlessly as she does. Also, THE BRIDGE. Holy moly. I think it’s one of my favorite bridges on the album. I had no idea how badly I needed to hear her say “bitch” like this. I love her.

The Archer | I SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME! I SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!!!! Also, the transition into “you could stay...” is just so beautiful. And I think it’s such an interesting choice that she doesn’t end it there, that she goes back to combat. It echoes what she says in “I Forgot That You Existed,” that she would’ve fought the whole town for them. She’s opening herself up to someone new and asking them to stay, but saying that if they do, she’s ready to fight for this love.

I Think He Knows | “Boy, I understand.” That’s it that’s the whole tweet. (Not). But also the snaps and “we can follow the sparks, I’ll drive” is just ?!?!!! Mind blowing. She’s incredible.

Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince | Okay... this was the most unexpected love for me, even though I know titles don’t mean anything, I was so surprised how much I love this one. I love the “okay!” and the way she yells different words, it really echoes the sounds of a high school sports game and that’s just so smart because that’s the theme of this song. I don’t know it’s just SO GOOD. And there are some really heartbreaking lyrics (“you are the only one who seems to care,” “no cameras catch my pageant smile/muffled cries”) where you just get this sense of loneliness and fear and in its own way it reminds me of “Safe and Sound,” when she says “don’t you dare look out your window.” The five of this song feels like her holding her lover’s hand and running behind him with their heads down through the storm of a high school hallways—“now the storm is coming but it’s you and me, that’s my whole world.”

Paper Rings | For whatever reason, this song gives me major “The Middle” vibes. I saw someone say that it’s “‘Stay Stay Stay’ 2.0” and it makes it even more adorable because then she was daydreaming about real love again... and now she’s here. The prechorus is everything, so much of this album has left me incoherent with its sheer perfection and genius honestly it’s so hard to comprehend... her MIND. It’s so cute I hate I can’t believe I literally could cry and also there’s one part where she says “I’m with YOU!” and it made me think she’s saying “YOU!” in the way she says “ME!” with that pure celebration and joy and loving him because he’s the only one of him, too. I’m with YOU like ME also that sigh and how she says she wants ALL of it, the complications and dreary Mondays and to have him in ALL her dreams, good, bad, and in-between. Just like she wants his midnights... she wants all the midnight moments, the celebrations, the magic... but ALSO wants to be around for absolutely everything, cleaning up bottles on New Year’s Day. The everyday, quiet moments of companionship.

Cornelia Street | Oh... this one is surprisingly hard for me to listen to. When I first heard “Lover,” I brought up this Brené Brown quote about rehearsing tragedy—she talks about how joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience. It’s so hard to immerse ourselves in joy because of how fragile it feels (she says it more eloquently), and that’s where this song hits for me. “Lover” is her being able to experience joy and contentment and let go of the need to prepare for the worst while “Cornelia Street” references the pull to dress rehearse tragedy. The song captures the risk of opening up to happiness, love, joy, any good feeling... because how could you survive if you lose that? Isn’t it better if you never feel so deeply and don’t have to worry about what’ll happen if you lose it? And she talks about that fear, about not wanting to open up and risk being hurt or made a fool of when she says she left Cornelia Street... but then he showed his hand (don’t even get me started on that line oh my heart). That song walks that delicate line of not dress rehearsing tragedy, but really conveying the vulnerability in finding any kind of love. And I love that she ties it to a street, to this concrete place that is nothing spectacular but for her is associated with her most cherished memories. Because that’s the other thing about love and loss—it’s not only extraordinary moments that matter. Love touches every part of your life.

Death by a Thousand Cuts | What a METAPHOR. Like holy shit. “Flashbacks waking me up,” “looking through the windows,” “can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not.” It’s death by a thousand cuts. It’s prolonged and painful and persistent. It lingers. Ugh her MIND is just so brilliant and I feel so lucky that I happen to be alive at the same time as her? Like how wild is that???? “Paper cut stings from my paper thin plans” is so clever?? The way she says “lawless” is so good???? And the LONELINESS of asking a traffic light if it will be alright... of hoping for a sign, any kind of sign. And rather than saying she found comfort or affirmation, she says their answer was “I don’t know.” The courage and loneliness and fear and heartbreak of living with that uncertainty... this is So Much™

London Boy | This song is so Pure 🥺 Like... that’s it that’s the song it’s so fucking cute and simple and sweet, using all these London terms... it is Soft and Pure there is no other way to describe this song.

Soon You’ll Get Better | I knew as soon as I heard about this song that it would be one of my favorites because it’s just who I am... but this song is so beautiful and reminds me of her older work because of how simple the production is. I think a lot of why I love this song is the same as why I love “You Learn to Live Without” and my analysis would be similar—the chorus is so simple and repetitive because she’s repeating it to herself, to her family, to anyone. “You’ll get better soon... because you have to.” It’s like telling someone, promising them, that it’ll be okay; you can’t know, you can’t ever know. But sometimes you say it because you have to. Because there’s no other option. In “You Learn to Live Without,” it’s a similar situation... almost every line starts with what “you learn” how to do. It’s repetitive and she relies on that when she falters. It feels like there’s no way to survive such a devastating loss, but you learn, because you have to. There’s no other option. The song is so simple and the lyrics are everything that makes Taylor Swift music so special. Personal, specific, and yet relatable in, even because of, its specificity. You can hear her shaky breaths, which is always devastating. The bridge took my breath away because I’ve expressed those exact feelings before, and it hurts my heart that she’s felt it but it also is why I love her so much, because it connects so deeply.

False God | Going from “Soon You’ll Get Better” to this is a LOT (to be fair, anything would be) but it also reminds me of desperation and makes sense in that way—how you turn to anything at all, even a false god, if it will help you make it through. And that line about daring him to leave her... what a mood. But also bless Joe Alwyn. Also we neED TO TALK ABOUT THE FLAWLESS TRANSITION INTO YNTCD THAT WAS SO SATISFYING HER M I N D.

You Need to Calm Down | The “oh-oh” totally gets to me because when she was about 12-14 months, my focal child used to go “uh-oh” in almost the exact same way, so I always hear it in her voice. I love these lyrics because they’re just... so fun?? To shout???? And SHADE NEVER MADE ANYBODY LESS GAY SO

Afterglow | I had no idea what to expect from this song, but I love it. The connection she makes about fighting because there’s “chemistry until it blows” is so good because then you can really picture and understand what she means when she says “meet me in the afterglow.” It’s the quiet after the storm, when things are calm and hazy and you can take a step back and reflect. You can truly listen. And if you stay, like she asks him to, you can survive it. You may even have a stronger relationship because of it. And she wrote this song about taking responsibility and the messy parts of a relationship and how hard it is when you hurt someone you love and it’s just so beautiful that she allows us into this process, all the messy and flawed lessons in learning how to heal and forgive and love.

ME! | I’m so proud of her for reaching this point because it’s true, she’s the only one of her. There will never be another Taylor Swift... her incredible ability to write songs, to make music, to connect, her generosity, her love, everything about her... she is SO special.

It’s Nice to Have a Friend | I’m going to give this one a little more time because I love the idea of the song, the lyrics, the simplicity, but I need more time to really decide how I feel.

Daylight | This song makes me so emotional in the way I always get when I listen to “Call It What You Want” and hear how happy she is, she’s doing better than she ever was... she’s so happy and I love her so much and this is all I wanted for her agh but also this song, what a beautiful song. “I’ll tell you the truth but never goodbye” is just... unconditional love. I’m in love with the way she sings “daylight,” it echoes the entire song. Something about it is just lighter, louder in a soft, airy, ethereal way. It gets lighter, like you can hear it take on the quality of daylight. There’s so many things calling it back to old songs, too. I kept thinking about “this love is glowing in the dark” because this song is about how love, true love, is golden like daylight. It glows. And how she’s been sleeping in the darkest, longest night, but now all she sees is daylight. This love glows in the dark and glows so bright that it overcomes it. And then she so explicitly calls back to “Red” and how she used to think love would be burning red, but she’s realized instead that it’s golden. Red love is so fiery and passionate in all its emotions, and the idea of something being fiery means that it could, occasionally, be golden, when it’s glowing bright. But that’s an intense golden... this golden is soft. Ethereal is the best word I have for it. She sings of golden daylight, and this song is that—daylight. It’s true gold; it isn’t burning red because it’s softer. It’s warmth, not heat. It’s contentment, it’s quiet, it’s safety, it’s trust, it’s reconciliation. It’s illuminating, but not blinding. I just... this song is bursting with warmth and softness and light and I can’t get over it or put it into better words.

tl;dr I love Taylor Swift with my whole heart and Lover is simply incredible and, quite frankly, THAT bitch. 💘💕✨

[paintednailsandsoftdetails]

Fine Line: rambles & rankings

hello here i am eleven hours after being knocked on my ass by one miss harry e styles with some thoughts if anyone is curious!!

1. Golden- the sad bop to end all sad bops!! the dichotomy of this music being the most fun and bouncy (the da das on tour!!) while his voice is the lower, steadier element of the song is so interesting to me? also the pessimism of this song is *chefs kiss* even if the idea of his vulnerability being an undesirable trait to his partner is heartbreaking

2. Watermelon Sugar- she slaps and we been knew!! this wins for best dance number for sure and i can’t wait for us all to be grovin and yelling “high!” back at him

3. Adore You- i think after a week ive concluded that this was my least favorite of the 3 released songs, only just slightly? but i absolutely love singing along to this, and ofc the eroda aesthetic is forever connected to it and absolutely incredible

4. Lights Up- baby light of my life :’) i love lights up and i will always love lights up, shes always gonna be special to me knowing what it means to harry and the way he decided to release it on coming out day with that video, and i hope he continues making art like this for a long time to come

5. Cherry- i? wasn’t?? prepared??? to be perfectly real, i wasnt anticipating this being a fav from what we heard in reviews, BUT THIS? musically this is so exactly the sound i want from him (hozier meets bon iver but make it harry?? BLESSED) and im absolutely in love with it. and his voice!! pulled the first tears out of me on the listen through :’) the way he harps on “don’t you call him baby” in the softest most fragile way over top this melody is art, put it in the moma

6. Falling- MA’AM THESE VOCALS. i love that this is pretty bare bones musically to really highlight the vocals and the emotions, both of which go absolutely off. its maybe not the most ~interesting~ to listen to compared to others, but the power of this LIVE? holy shit thats 100% where this is going to flourish

7. To Be So Lonely- starting with “I was just a little boy” PLEASE BE QUITE im not okay. anyways there is something about the way these lyrics sit in the pocket of the music that im obsessed with. i wasnt sure how i felt about either one their own, but god the way the “arrogant son of a bitch” line is weaved in with these instruments (the strings on this!!), i feel that shit in my CHEST

8. She- hello to what i feel are the most hs1-esque vibes on this album, except definitely different and COOLER!! its weird bc this is a sound that i already easily associate with harry, but lyrically/conceptually this is fascinating territory. There are layers to be unpacked here and ive already seen some galaxy brain interpretations so im excited to let this one marinate (the falsetto and “plays pretend” lyrics… okay ma’am) also the “sleeps in his bed” vocal FUCK! and of course mitchell went off and i cant wait for harr to be all over him on tour

9. Sunflower Vol. 6- MY FUNKY LIL BABY this is so sugary in a way thats not at all cheesy but makes me smile so! much! the gasp, the sounds at the end… could not be more babie and i just know im gonna fall in love with the bits and bobs of this more and more every time i listen. shout out to the Queen vibes i got from the “tonight tonight tonight” parts! and also did i mention the end is the cutest thing what the fuck

10. Canyon Moon- these absolute VIBES shes THAT GIRL!! this is so sweet and tender im soft. the “Im going”s are so fucking PRETTY? the beautiful dulcimer sweetie you are doing so great. idek what else to say this is the soundtrack to the gay indie roadtrip movie i want harry to star in and i love it with my whole heart thats it

11. TPWK- hating on this is literally illegal?? babie made this for and about us and the space we mutually created on tour THIS IS OURS. hes feeling good in his skin and dancing with us!! even if he doesn’t have all the answers!! the Queen vibes in this too we love, and we are going to have SO MUCH FUN singing n dancing with him to this :’) the “loooong enough” vocal and then his “all together now” stuff at the end is so happy, healing and sweet i love him so much

12. Fine Line- *sigh* what am i supposed to say? what can i do? musically and vocally this is everything ive ever fucking wanted (again i didnt quite realize that harry styles pulling a bon iver was exactly my niche but guess what it absolutely is). HER FALSETTO HER VOICE THIS DELICATE TENDERNESS?? Cannot think of a single thing ive heard thats more stunningly gorgeous than the way he sings “we’ll be a fine line/we’ll be alright” so guess thats it for me lmao. similar to cherry, on paper these lyrics are not a hit for me (at least without analysis), but god it doesnt fucking MATTER bc they come across so abstract and transcendent in context (and open my mind to so many other interpretive possibilities) that i cannot not be in love. And then of course the horns come in and we get the hopeful turn…this song makes me feel things on a level nothing he’s made before ever has. 

Overall this album threw me for the loop of a lifetime; its so different from what i was expecting and even hoping for, but without a doubt the most special thing i’ve listened to in as long as i can remember. these songs deliver on a level hs1 barely scratched the surface of, and i cannot wait to see how harry continues to grow and reach even higher places across his career. endlessly proud of him, always.

Extremely tentative ranking 100% subject to change bc this is impossible:

fine line >> sunflower vol. 6 = cherry = canyon moon > lights up > tpwk > to be so lonely > watermelon sugar = golden > falling > she > adore you

[thehangeddemon]

All in a Weekend’s Work || Maximus & Xavier

Xavier: Four days gone from the incident with Aello, and Xavier Atlas had done little more than brood.

Telephones had been installed, record players ordered, television sets placed. Books and music en route. The house was becoming more beautiful and whole by the day and still, he barely emerged from the library.

This had gone on for most of the week, slowly lessening as it got closer to Saturday.

On Saturday, the day he and Maximus were set to go to the pictures, he woke positively chipper, making lively conversation during mealtimes and actively wandering the house. By dinner time one could even accuse him of being giddy.

Maximus: His behavior was nothing short of bizarre come Saturday. Over the past four days he'd grown accustomed to the quiet of the house. It was as though his master had been switched with another. How fitting, considering their chosen film.

Xavier Atlas was mostly speaking into an echo chamber. Though he had recovered from Tuesday's incident, his servant had yet to shake his embarrassment.

"I should keep a film in your schedule, m'lord, if it pleases you so."

Xavier: "Yes! Marvelous notion, Maximus." The grin was simply stuck to his face. There was no removing it or dampening his excitement. "We can make it a weekly event or perhaps a biweekly one."

Maximus: What was that expression. Unnerving is what it was.

"Very good, m'lord." His face didn't match his obedience.

Xavier: "Are you looking forward to tonight?"

Maximus: The correct answer was, "Yes, m'lord."

Xavier: "When was the last time you went to the pictures?"

Maximus: This required some thought. "During the war."

Xavier: "Too long. Which film was it?"

Maximus: "From Here to Eternity."

Xavier: Ah, during Korea then. "An excellent choice. Did you enjoy it?"

Maximus: "It was realistically depressing." There, a smile for his master.

Xavier: A smile that was treasured, appreciated, and returned. "Apt analysis. Deborah Kerr did fantastic work."

Maximus: "She only wanted an idea. She could never be with someone beneath her."

Xavier: "She reminded me of the woman who...kept me for several years."

Maximus: "Kept you, m'lord?"

Xavier: "She rented a flat for me in exchange for acts of a personal nature."

Maximus: "As a human?"

Xavier: Xavier nodded. "Indeed. I believe it amused her to have a docker for a lover."

Maximus: "I see." Why did that make him feel...defensive?

Xavier: "In any case, she made it obvious I would never be at her level. And here we are now. I in a manor, and she no doubt stewing in bitterness."

Maximus: "She's still alive? Have you seen her?"

Xavier: Another nod. "Spite can sustain a person for a long time, Maximus. I saw her in passing about a year ago when I went to London. Her husband looked....utterly exhausted."

Maximus: "Why did you stay if you spite her? She didn't employ you. You weren't in chains." A bold question from his servant no doubt.

Xavier: "The spite came about precisely because I didn't stay. I was young and proud and very offended when I discovered she was also keeping someone else. She didn't take my leaving well, even less so when the other man also left."

Maximus: "So you both spite each other. I suppose you're even."

Xavier: “I did for a time but why bother anymore? It’s been decades. I’m having a lovely immortal life. Her miserable husband can have her miserable company with my compliments.”

Maximus: Maximus simply nodded and watched the ground for a moment. "Are we driving into town, m'lord?"

Xavier: “We are indeed. Unless you’d rather we transport ourselves.”

Maximus: "It's been days since you've left the house. Today I shall drive."

Xavier: "Very well," Xavier said with a nod. "Is there anything you'd like to get while we're in town?"

Maximus: "I've already seen to groceries."

Xavier: "Anything else that's pressing?"

Maximus: "No, m'lord."

Xavier: He smiled. "In that case, we'll just have a lovely evening at the pictures. As always, dinner was lovely. The shrimp especially."

Maximus: Demon or not, for wanting shrimp all week, he was concerned for his master's health.

"I'll bring the car around."

Xavier: As Maximus was learning, when Xavier was in a mood for something specific, nothing else would do.

That also applied to excitement about things he'd been looking forward to, like this outing.

"Very good." Did he sound as giddy as he felt? "I'll get my coat and hat."

Maximus: He just wanted to say, 'Are you alright, m'lord?' but refrained. After what had happened Tuesday, he couldn't bring himself to step out of the line which he had created. He was just sociable enough to appease, but not so far as to feel vulnerable. He knew he would not be punished for allowing his master to dress himself, but couldn't bring himself to not present his coat.

Xavier: That was fine by him. He wouldn’t have minded dressing himself but he minded Maximus helping him even less. He’d grown quite accustomed to it over the past couple of months.

“Shall we?”

Maximus: "I won't be but a moment." Maximus slipped into his own black coat as he headed around towards the garage. He would much rather this than the reverse of days ago.

Xavier: While Maximus made his way to the garage, Xavier made his way out to the front step.

It really seemed like the sour mood of the past few days had finally dissipated. On the surface it would appear to be because of the film but really, most of the appeal lay in getting to spend a few uninterrupted hours enjoying Maximus' company.

Maximus: Had his servant known his train of thought, he might have coaxed one of his rare blushes.

The movie theater was packed. A queue lined around the block. They had come early, but not early enough to avoid the mess.

"I didn't expect so many faces," he said under his breath.

Xavier: The crowd didn’t surprise him. It was Saturday night, after all.

“Fortunately for us, you had the foresight to purchase tickets in advance. I’ll wager a good amount of these people won’t be able to get in.”

Maximus: The line began to part. A large man with a grim face shouted for people to separate between purchased and unpurchased. His servant dared smile at his master.

"Right you are, m'lord."

Xavier: Xavier returned the smile and led them to the correct line.

“Now we get to watch the humans forget how to form a queue,” he whispered to Maximus. “They always seem to forget at the most inconvenient times.”

Maximus: "Well, we'll be ahead of them in just a moment," he whispered back.

Xavier: Despite the lines, chaos still reigned. Xavier watched it all with great amusement until they were inside the theater.

“Would you like a refreshment? Popcorn or candy?”

Maximus: "I doubt they sell nicely wrapped praline."

Xavier: “Probably not. There is peanut brittle, however.”

Maximus: "Do you know the difference between the two, m'lord?" There was cheek in that tone.

Xavier: "As a matter of fact, I do." Xavier grinned at his butler. "Peanut brittle has hard caramel and praline typically has soft caramel made with butter and cream." A man couldn't spend as much time in patisseries as he did without picking up a few things.

Maximus: A small smile followed the little lesson. "Very good, m'lord."

Xavier: The modest praise brought a very self-satisfied look to Xavier's face.  "Why thank you. So what's the verdict? Do you dare sample the brittle?"

Maximus: "Why not? What do I have to lose, m'lord. What shall I get you?"

Xavier: "What indeed. You might find you rather like it." Xavier considered for a moment. "Just popcorn, I think."

Maximus: "Caramel or butter?" he asked over his shoulder.

Xavier: "Butter, please."

Maximus: As with the tickets, the refreshments were paid for with his allowance. Their best available seats were right of the crowd of boisterous teenagers, further in the back for privacy.

"Is this alright?"

Xavier: "It's perfect." Xavier got comfortable, relieved to be away from the crowd. "Shall I place a spell around us so we can converse?"

Maximus: That caught Maximus' attention. "I - If you'd like."

Xavier: Even if they didn't talk during the film, he still would. An added layer of privacy was always to be desired.

Only Maximus would notice the way the air around them seemed to shimmer with energy and appeared to blur for a moment. The humans around them would remain completely oblivious.

Maximus: "What do we look like on the other side?" he whispered, eyes on the screen at the beautiful woman.

Xavier: "Vaguely fuzzy," Xavier murmured back. "Like a television with bad reception."

Maximus: "Won't they be suspicious?" He already felt dread for the child. This felt like a circle of Hell he might have passed through.

Xavier: "They won't notice a thing. Normal humans aren't like the ones in films. Only humans in films can perceive the depth of the world around them. Like the boy there."

Maximus: "Children are susceptible. Some humans have the gift. It's beautiful, and pitiful."

Xavier: "Some, but not all. And that's for their protection I suppose." He hummed thoughtfully. "Stunning woman."

Maximus: Even I can see that. "Yes, she is." He took a breath.

Xavier: The doctor wasn't too bad either. But dare he say that aloud...

"The doctor holds himself well."

Maximus: Would he notice that subtle straightening of his spine? "Mm."

Xavier: He would, and it made him smile around a mouthful of popcorn.

"Humans in films are also all apparently immune to delirium."

Maximus: "Not all. The grandmother was oblivious."

Xavier: "Denial is one of their few lines of defense."

Maximus: "I don't know if it's defense."

Xavier: "The English would be appalled at such familiar behavior," he chuckled.

Maximus: "You're already prepared for this. I've given you plenty of practice."

Xavier: Xavier smiled. "I prefer the American way when it relates to these matters. So much more direct. Like the way Miles rushes to Becky's aid on a mere premonition."

Maximus: "I can't say one way or another, m'lord."

Xavier: "Oh dear. Poor Becky has been copied."

Maximus: "He has a chance to save her."

Xavier: "And is doing so gallantly."

Maximus: Is she sitting in the other woman's lap? He continued to watch quietly.

Xavier: "The true human condition. Rationalizing everything."

Maximus: "We once lived in that world."

Xavier: "Feels like a thousand years ago."

Maximus: "Did you ever know, m'lord? Before..."

Xavier: "About the true depth of the world, you mean? Demons and vampires and werebeasts? I don't believe so. I was always called a hellspawn but I didn't think they existed in a literal sense."

Maximus: He had known just enough, but he didn't think it appropriate to speak.

Xavier: Xavier made a face. "How repellant."

Maximus: "I would not be surprised if there is some truth to this."

Xavier: "I wouldn't either. Perhaps some sort of spell rather than extraterrestrial origins."

Maximus: "Or combination of."

Xavier: "Very possible."

Maximus: The bodies should be burned, he frowned. The hesitation only made for the story. Ah, there it was.

Xavier: Xavier shared the sentiment. "In the immortal words of my father, one should always go for the head."

Maximus: "Hope is such a strain on the system."

Xavier: "Hope is how film heroes are made. And actual heroes, I suspect. Without it this world would be very dismal indeed."

Maximus: If you say so, he thought. Of course he would be quiet.

Xavier: "Well. Hope and bravado."

Maximus: Oh. The corner of his mouth twitched. But the more the doctor spoke, the more...something dampened his expression.

Xavier: Xavier noticed. "Are you all right, Maximus?"

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord."

Xavier: He didn't believe him, but said nothing. He simply smiled and nodded.

"There's that hope and bravado again."

Maximus: It wouldn't be such a terrible world, he thought. No love, but no reason to torment, either.

Xavier: "Such a clever doctor. Courage isn't always rewarded but intelligence should be."

Maximus: They're going to fail. This is all failure. The beginning has given away the ending.

He finally began to unwrap his peanut brittle.

Xavier: Xavier thoughtfully ate his popcorn. There was something to be admired in Becky and the doctor, in their noble heroic efforts to save humanity from an emotionless existence.

But of course what he commented on was, "The desert is such a charmless landscape."

Maximus: "I lived there...for a time."

Xavier: "In your human life?" Or in this one?

Maximus: "One year. Richard Claire." Have you heard of him? Another crossroads demon.

Xavier: The name didn't sound familiar, but then Xavier tended to steer clear of crossroads demons.

"We approach the line where bravado becomes foolishness."

Maximus: "It's already too late."

Xavier: "And suddenly we're back in our world, where those who see are madmen."

Maximus: Maximus sighed through his nose.

Xavier: "Alas, poor Miles."

Maximus: "He's going to sleep."

Xavier: "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain."

Maximus: The ending surprised the demon, genuinely represented in his expression.

Xavier: Xavier smiled. "Bravado was rewarded."

Maximus: Everyone began to stand and file out of the many rows. The peanut brittle was tucked away in his coat.

"Shall we wait, or shall I remove us?"

Xavier: "Please, allow me. I've done very little with my gifts this week."

In all the chatter and movement and excitement, it was easy to disappear from human eyes without drawing notice.

Maximus: An instinctive hand almost reached for Xavier as they appeared by the car, just managing to refrain.

"Did you enjoy yourself, m'lord?"

Xavier: "I did," Xavier said cheerfully. "Very much so. Did you?"

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord." He headed towards the passenger side door to open.

Xavier: "Care to make it a regular thing?" he asked as he entered the car.

Maximus: "You've said you want weekly picture." The door was shut behind him. He quickly settled into the driver's seat.

Xavier: "I'd also like you to accompany me, if you're agreeable."

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord." It would be foolish to deny him.

Xavier: Xavier had a feeling Maximus was only agreeing because he felt he had to, but the hope that that would lessen with time had returned. Possibly inspired by Miles and his unending hope.

"I shall open an account at the theatre." He didn't want to take from Maximus' paycheck for what would become a household expense.

Maximus: "I don't mind paying, m'lord." As it was entertainment for him, it only seemed fair.

Xavier: "I won't hear of it. I make accounts for all household expenses and I consider this as such."

Maximus: A silent sigh. "Very good, m'lord." He turned towards the highway leading towards home.

Xavier: Xavier settled in. His giddiness had evened out but he was still in excellent spirits.

"Do you have any plans for your day off tomorrow?"

Maximus: Oh. The question filled him with dread. "To...garden."

Xavier: He nodded. "Well, enjoy. Feel free to take the car into town if you need any supplies."

Maximus: "Thank you...m'lord." That wasn't all he had planned, but the things he enjoyed were done during his master's sleep.

Xavier: For his part, he planned to spend the day examining the attic, particularly the secret room Eisley set up. Setting up the household had pushed it to the back of his mind but it needed to be dealt with.

And if not dealt with, at least understood.

"As soon as the house is closed up for the night you may retire."

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord. Is there anything you wish for me to do when we return?" A quick glance was given to his master.

Xavier: Xavier shook his head. "Nothing more for tonight. I'm going to spend some time in the attic before I go to bed."

Maximus: "Will you need me? Or a duplicate?"

Xavier: "Only for a few minutes."

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord."

Xavier: "I'll call for you when I'm ready to retire."

He smiled as the manor came into view. It was already leaps and bounds ahead of where it had been two months ago and he couldn't be happier.

"This is a fine home we're building."

Maximus: The "we" was generous, in his opinion, and still, despite everything he couldn't bring himself to trust it. Already his master had done so much more than those before him, but he knew...he just knew the final chapter of this story. He felt it from between his legs, his lungs, his chest...

"That it is, m'lord."

Xavier: "You should be enormously proud of the work you've done." Xavier certainly was, but like with so many things he kept it to himself. It wouldn't do to make such declarations after the week they'd had.

"Oh, I forgot to mention. I think a raccoon is trying to ransack our trash bins."

Maximus: "It'll be gone by morning." He wondered, quietly of course, if his master was relieved to have him back to normal.

Xavier: "Excellent, thank you." Xavier was glad that Maximus was no longer any spell, of course, but his butler wasn't quite back to normal yet. At least not the normal Xavier had become accustomed to, the one before Aello's spell.

"Very well then," he said once the car stopped. "I'll be in the library. I'll call you when I'm ready."

Maximus: Maximus would appear on the other side of the car to open his door. The car would then be brought around, and he would linger.

Only little chores this late in the evening. Busywork. He felt a sense of idle hands despite the books, his violin, the bone and ivory hidden in his briefcase, the unfinished garden, the clothes which needed sewing and the shoes in need of polishing. He was needlessly restless, and he had been since Aello's magic.

Xavier: Xavier nodded his thanks to Maximus and went up to the library. He really did intend to learn more about the secret room Eisley had in the attic, despite having brooded in here for most of the week.

He'd gone through all the books, but there were still a number of ledgers and documents that needed to be examined. He would dedicate an hour or two to the task tonight and in the process, glean a better understanding for how this manor had been run before he'd seized it.

Maximus: A lethargic lap had been made around the entire home and the surrounding shed and garden before heading inside. His mind was nowhere, which was not so unusual for late in the evening, but he was aware enough to understand he was behaving atypically.

He wandered as he had the evening of his ordeal. His feet led him back to the library.

Xavier: Maximus would find Xavier poring over a ledger with a furrowed brow.

The more he looked into this, the less sense it made. Nothing he'd found so far explained Eisley's paranoia or knowledge of demon traps.

Maximus: "Is there," he cleared his throat. "Is there anything I might be able to help with, m'lord?"

Xavier: "I'm not sure," he sighed, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the ceiling. "Other than the demon trap, what's the strangest thing you've seen in this house?"

Maximus: Aside from myself? "The snakes."

Xavier: "Of course, the snakes." He fell into thoughtful silence for a few moments before getting to his feet. "Show me where you saw them."

Maximus: A quick nod. He led them back towards the attic, to the tiny door. The room was much cleaner now. The weeping statues placed in their forever home.

"Here." He pointed to the child-sized door and the wall between the door and the tiny window. "Along here and against the door." As though they were guarding it.

Xavier: "Snakes surrounding a small door beyond which lies a prison cell for a demon," Xavier mused, considering the area. Definitely not something found in the home of a recluse.

"How much dust was in the small room?"

Maximus: "A fair bit." He looked around, as though he might find something new. "There is a spell, m'lord, that we might try. It was one...I learned from another master."

Xavier: A fair bit. Attics were more prone to dust than other parts of a house but even so, he would estimate that the room had been prepared some time ago. Perhaps even before Xavier had started watching Eisley.

All the more reason to find out why.

"What does this spell do?"

12:39 AM] Maximus: "It...is a spell to rewind time. As a viewer. The price is...one I will make. We can see when the space was made, how many knew, what he was doing, all of it safely without interacting."

Xavier: The spell sounded very convenient and useful but he couldn't ignore the caveat.

"What is the price?"

Maximus: "It ages the body the spellcaster inhabits," he said coolly.

Xavier: “Absolutely not. We’ll do this the old fashioned way on Monday.”

Maximus: "M'lord?"

Xavier: “We will pry intensively into Damien Eisley’s life and if no answers present themselves, we shall consider some sort of artifact or other type of magic.”

Maximus: "I've cast the spell before, m'lord," he said quietly. "This is your home. You deserve answers. If you so desire, we can hire someone to cast for us."

Xavier: "And I shall get them. at no cost to either of us." He wouldn't have Maximus subjected to detrimental magic. There were many ways to get answers.

"I'll continue to dig on Monday and see what I can find. Incidentally, how difficult was it to get rid of the snakes?"

Maximus: He was beginning to wonder if Aello had left some of his magick behind. This was nothing. Xavier didn't want an old man tending to his whims.

"Not difficult at all. They didn't seem to mind."

Xavier: "If you had to wager a guess, would you say it was a spell that required...finesse? Experience?"

Maximus: His servant stared for a moment before catching himself. "I think they were just...allured by the ward."

Xavier: "Ah, I see. The snakes themselves weren't magical, they were ordinary snakes drawn here by whatever protected the door."

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord."

Xavier: Xavier nodded. That made more sense. "Interesting that it happened to be snakes that were lured here," he mused. "And very appropriate. It does make one wonder just what type of magic created the ward."

Maximus: "I can't imagine a frail hermit standing on a ladder making what we saw."

Xavier: "Determination can move mountains, but no. I can't either. Eisley had no magic, of that I'm certain. He had to have hired someone who did or at the very least consulted with someone who did."

Maximus: "M'lord, I can make that spell work. We don't know how far back we must go. It could be nothing."

Xavier: "I appreciate you offer and your willingness to pay the price the spell demands, but if we find we must use it, that price will be paid by someone else. Cannon fodder can always be found."

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord." He didn't realize he was staring at his master's hands again. He looked up to catch his gaze and sighed. "Never a dull moment."

Xavier: "Indeed. Let us hope tomorrow brings a few."

Xavier checked his watch. He should probably go to bed. It wasn't terribly terribly late but he didn't feel like poring over more ledgers or documents. He'd leave it for the morning.

"Come. Let us retire."

Maximus: The ritual he'd come to look forward to, quietly as everything else. The simplicity and silence was almost a meditation. Always first his coat, and then his master's cufflinks. He took special lingering care in the act. As though the bits of gold and silver were more precious than their physical price.

Xavier: It was something Xavier looked forward to as well. No matter how busy they were throughout the day or what had happened or what state their relationship was in that day, this ritual guaranteed a few moments of closeness. Formal perhaps, but it still brought them together.

Maximus: "Will that be everything?" he would always ask once reaching his belt. Some nights he expected the command...the one given by those before him. Some, as opposed to each night.

Xavier: "Yes, thank you, Maximus." And of course, the command wouldn't come. Xavier would put on his dressing gown and finish disrobing once Maximus had left.

Since Maximus didn't sleep, he said, "Enjoy your night."

Maximus: "Thank you, m'lord," was followed by a soft smile. And for his next routine, keeping as silent as a church mouse while Xavier settled. He would walk the grounds and make a list of everything which needed to be done during the daylight hours.

Xavier: There would be very little settling this night.

Rather than carry him into dream land, Xavier's thoughts kept drifting to the small room upstairs. A demonic prison cell in the home of a professor of Russian literature. It made no sense.

It would make sense if Eisley was aware that Xavier had been watching him but there was little evidence of that. All they had to go on was that room, the snakes, and whatever information was yet to be uncovered in the library.

Maximus: Maximus had finally retreated to his modest bedroom. A book was unearthed from his briefcase, where most of his possessions remained. He'd long ago given up making a room his own. Few masters had threatened to burn it should he not reveal its contents. Most didn't care enough to inquire. It was just easier, both mentally and physically when traveling between ownership.

He would not check his watch again until midnight. Only to be checked once more at 1 in the morning.

The book was placed on his pillow. Slowly, carefully, the violin case was removed from the depths of his briefcase.

Xavier: By the time midnight came and went Xavier had given up on sleeping. His eyes simply wouldn't stay closed every time he tried; his mind was far too busy.

So he got up and slipped into his dressing gown. Perhaps he would go to the library to look at the blueprints again. The house was large, there had to be somewhere they hadn't yet explored.

He'd find out either way.

Maximus: The house was eerily quiet, as it had been for hours. As it was almost every night. With one exception, which was made every night at this time. Xavier Atlas' servant crossing the span of the house towards the front door with his case clutched in a gloved hand.

Xavier: Maximus wasn't the only one crossing the span of the house.

Xavier reached the landing separating the two wings of the house just in time to catch sight of his butler emerging into the foyer.

He quickly--and silently--took half a step back, concealing himself behind the wall as he watched Maximus. He was carrying something. Was that...a violin case?

Why was Maximus taking a violin case outside?

Maximus: Not just outside. He was taking it well away from Xavier Atlas' ears. Teleportation ran the risk of his master's awareness, which went against the very point.

He had a walk ahead of him. The same walk he'd made almost every night for the past month.

Xavier: Well this was far more intriguing than the mess with the attic.

Xavier waited until the door had closed to sneak downstairs. Maximus was going out the front so he would go out the back and plot a course from there.

Unless his butler planned to take the car somewhere, there were only two places he could go; the garden or the woods. Either way Xavier would carefully and silently follow.

Maximus: His path led into the woods heading opposite of the town. He had taken many a night in those woods in search for the perfect private patch. The trees muffled much, but he'd been more cautious than to trust only nature. A mile into his hike, a small abandoned cottage on its last legs appeared from behind a mass of old sleeping trees. A tiny gravestone beside a tree with a broken swing. Gentle fingers greeted the top as he passed. The weathered heavy door opened with a groan and was shut behind him.

Xavier: Xavier couldn't help but notice that Maximus was walking with purpose. Direction. Whatever this was, it wasn't a one-off thing; his butler had done this before. Perhaps multiple times.

He followed quite a few yards behind, grateful for the cover of the trees and the magic that muffled his movements to near silence so long as he moved slowly.

He was beginning to wonder how long they were going to walk when the cottage came into view. He hadn't ventured into this part of the woods when he had hunted Eisley so the small, dilapidated building came as a complete surprise. How long had it taken Maximus to find it? And what exactly did he plan to do once he was inside?

Maximus: Minutes within with only a gentle clack of the violin case and a soft tuning. His master would catch a word of regard to the gravestone.

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Emily."

The gentle melodious tune of Vivaldi, Concerto in A Minor RV 356 barely escaped the broken windows.

Xavier: Xavier had never been more grateful for his supernatural hearing than he was this night.

Without it he never would’ve properly heard what Maximus began to play, would’ve never known the talent and passion put into every last note, would’ve never known the poignant beauty of Maximus coming out here and playing to the moon and the trees and a grave.

Concealed, he closed his eyes and listened.

Maximus: After finishing his first piece, the violin and bow were placed on a nearby table. His coat removed and tie loosened. The first two buttons of his shirt were undone as well, allowing the cool night air to kiss his chest.

The instrument was brought back to position. What to play next? He thought of Xavier and their thieving night.

He began to play La Campanella, a smile on his face.

Xavier: Xavier used the brief interlude to make himself comfortable. He concealed himself behind an obliging group of shrubbery, casting a spell over himself to ensure complete obstruction.

The first few notes of the next piece had a smile curving his lips. A very difficult choice, one he’d seen many pianists get frustrated over but which Maximus played with ease.

Maximus: The night would continue with little pause from his servant. Pendulating between three Italian composures. Some Paganini, then Vivaldi, and a finish of Bazzini. It was Bazzini where he would softly curse under his breath. La Ronde des Lutins was played multiple times until satisfied. A sensation which he would not achieve until his hair had come loose from its perfect part, a growl of frustration, and a slow, deep exhale.

Xavier: And all of it would be enjoyed by Xavier. The perfect pieces and the sad pieces and particularly the piece that was giving Maximus so much trouble.

At one point he'd found himself unable to resist the temptation of getting a peek at what his butler's frustration looked like and he was not disappointed.

Maximus looked every bit the accomplished violinist, beautiful with his disheveled hair and open shirt and overcome with passion for the sake of his art. The toy soldier Xavier had come to know was nowhere to be found in this moment and he was utterly enchanted.

Maximus: He would see Maximus check his watch, glance out one of the nearer windows, gauging where the sun might be in the next two hours. He should get back; he'd indulged by being gone for so long. The frustrations of the attic, his silent lust, his lingering embarrassment. This was his only sure method of catharsis.

He faced the door. Just one more, he told himself. He started back on La Follia, only reaching a minute in before dropping his bow to his side. Eyes closed, head tilted back to the ceiling. There he stood, statuesque. The silence much louder than his violin.

Xavier: Xavier hadn’t given a single thought to the approaching dawn. As it was Maximus’ day off, his butler wouldn’t be dressing him and thus would not know that Xavier was not in his bed. There was no rush at all to get back to his bedroom.

Or so he thought, until Maximus went still and caused Xavier to do the same. He was completely hidden from view, had scarcely moved at all. Surely his presence hadn’t been detected.

Maximus: Freedom or not, he'd had no intention of being caught so far away from the house. He would usually be found in the gardens or tucked away in his room. It was how he liked to play his time off. Something safe and reasonable to a new owner.

But he just couldn't will himself to move. He lived in the presence of silence, the random chatter of wildlife and the whisper of breeze against dead and dying leaves.

He took another breath through his nose, taking in the scent of the house, its dust and wood and decay; the old abandoned clothes and forgotten dried herbs left hanging in the hallway.

"His name is," another breath, whispered, "Xavier."

Xavier: Not a single breath was taken as Xavier waited to see if he'd been discovered. After Maximus' playing the woods seemed eerily silent and still, riding the line between unsettling and peaceful.

Just when he thought that perhaps he should be getting back, his own name fell from Maximus lips, soft as anything.

His name. Xavier's name. Spoken in his quiet, private moment by this beautiful violinist.

Maximus: "What am I supposed to do, Emily?" continued in whisper. The bow weighed far too much to be returned to the violin. He'd carried with him the weight of responsibility, of etiquette, of memories and lust on his shoulders. So tired he was to take a seat on a dust covered chair, violin and bow on the floor, head in his hands. He wanted so much to cry, but what frightened him more was how dry he felt inside.

Xavier: He's speaking to the grave, Xavier realized. Seeking comfort and counsel from a woman long ago passed to the afterlife.

About him.

Something about him, or perhaps about their relationship, was causing Maximus distress. Had Xavier done something wrong? Made a misstep he hadn't noticed or thought nothing of? Had he hurt Maximus?

He must have. His butler was sitting in a dilapidated shack trying not to cry.

Maximus: Her death was one he could relate to in some measure. Though she had not died as shamefully as he, it had been her choice. Having lived a life so fragile, every day a bleed, a cough, a fight for breath, arguing each day with Death had become a chore. Yet she had tolerated her wretched body for thirty-six years.

Her soul was long gone. There was no wraith to greet him. He'd learned everything he could about her from touch spells throughout the house. No one there, and yet he'd grown accustomed to talking to air. She was his friend.

"Please, take it out of me."

Xavier: Take what out of you, Maximus? What have I done to leave you in this state? Tell me so I might fix it.

Safe inside the protection of his spell, Xavier heaved a long sigh. A beautiful night was turning into a tumultuous morning.

He knew he should probably be getting back but he couldn't find the will. He didn't want to leave Maximus like this, despite the fact that his butler had no idea he was here.

He wanted to heal what was hurt, to offer comfort. But how could he, when he was the source of whatever needed to be soothed? How could he do anything at all if he didn't know what was wrong?

Maximus: Maximus abruptly got to his feet, gathering his bow and violin for the case. He'd wasted too much time for himself here. Regardless of his time off, he wanted to have breakfast ready under a cloche before his master's wake.

He began putting himself back together. Straightening, buttoning, smoothing himself into an image worthy of pride.

Xavier: And just like that, the toy soldier was back. Prim and proper, all present and correct.

For the first time since knowing Maximus, Xavier mourned that fact.

With another sigh, he started his journey back to the house. He'd come around the back just as before, taking advantage of his head start to quickly sneak back upstairs and into his bedroom before he could be discovered.

It was just as well he planned to spend the day ensconced in the library and the attic. It gave him ample opportunity to brood.

Maximus: Through the front door not long after his master. To the servant's quarters to do away with his case, his jacket, gloves, and a cursory glance in his mirror. After a quick wash, he retreated to the kitchen. An English breakfast for his English master.

Xavier: His English master had gotten started on his brooding by taking a bath.

He only wished he had a glass of wine with him to make the hot water that much more effective.

His mind was in both quiet, haunted chaos and near delirious joy. Last night had made him privy to such a beautiful part of Maximus, and yet he couldn't enjoy it. Xavier felt guilty for causing his butler such trouble and upset that he hadn't been able to finish playing, more so because he had no idea what he'd done.

And to top it all off, it being Maximus' day off meant there would be no lovely dressing ritual.

Maximus: What there would be, is a tray waiting for him in the library. Beans, tomatoes, two poached eggs, sausage, mushrooms, and toast. Half of the house was filled with various smells which would linger until noon. No wine. Only tea.

No sign of his servant, either.

Xavier: Xavier dressed himself and made his way to the library with a sour expression, one that fell away the moment he spotted the covered tray on the table.

Despite the night’s upset, Maximus had taken time from his day off to make him breakfast.

“Lucifer, give me strength,” he sighed as he sat to eat.

Maximus: He would not find his servant for the rest of the day. Not unless he looked outside. There he would find him in brown trousers and a shirt one size too large with rolled up sleeves and sleeve garters. His hair was less than perfect, but the various plants were not judgmental.

Xavier: Oh, he would look outside, but not from the library window. That would've been too obvious, and put him at risk for discovery.

No, Maximus would be watched from the kitchen window when Xavier went downstairs to do his breakfast dishes.

He was glad that Maximus felt relaxed enough not to be quite so polished while he gardened. He liked the tousled, windswept appearance of him, the concentration as he worked, all of it. Xavier liked all of Maximus very much.

Now he just had to figure out what the bloody hell to do about it.

Maximus: From behind, Xavier would hear the gentle approaching footsteps of another. The explanation was fastened to Maximus' wrist. His same hand with three irregular scrapes.  The one which, if carefully observed, carried with it a long thin scar, curved at the inward tip.

A respectable version of Maximus appeared in the doorway, watching the watcher.

Xavier: Xavier heard the approach of one of Maximus' shadows too late to hide the fact that he was staring out the window at the original Maximus, but rather than turn quickly to save face he stayed staring a few moments longer.

After all, his butler had complete access to his shadows' memories and Xavier found himself wondering how Maximus would react to the knowledge that he was watching him.

Perhaps it could serve as a guide for what followed.

When he finally turned he said, "I did intend for all of you to have the day off but since you're here, you can help me rifle through Eisley's personal documents in the library."

Maximus: The taciturn shadow's mouth twitched. Not quite hidden, not quite obvious. He bowed, gestured towards the hallway leading out of the kitchen. Maximus would have no knowledge of Xavier's observations until collecting his duplicates. For now, he was innocent.

Xavier: Xavier nodded and took them up to the library. The work table and desk were positively strewn with documents and ledgers and even a few journals. It was an unholy mess.

"All right then. We're looking for anything that might explain why Eisley had a demon cell. Letters from an enemy, paranoid ramblings, delusional ramblings, things of that nature. Anything magical. Oh, and if you feel a sinister energy coming off of something, don't open it. Hand it directly to me."

Maximus: Once in a while, seemingly from nowhere, his servant demonstrated a sense of humor. His shadows were no exception. The room was given an upside-down cross, a demonic blessing of good will, and a mirthful smile.

Xavier: He laughed. Regardless of the frequency or the reason, humor from Maximus was always a joy to see.

"May your blessing help us, my dear. You take the desk, I'll take the table."

Maximus: The creature, the shadow, the twin, whatever title given, he was not Maximus. He could not sense things as wholly as his true self. He did not blush and turn away to the pet name. Instead ignoring for his appointed task. A stack of books was placed to the side and felt, leafed through, and piled anew.

Xavier: Many of the documents dealt with the household finances and the construction of the house. There were several years of bills of sale, a preliminary set of plans, correspondence between Eisley and the architect who designed it and the foreman of the team who had built it.

There was the occasional letter from a friend or a colleague, the odd train ticket from trips all over the state. And surprisingly...

"More things from Russia," Xavier said thoughtfully, looking over a bill from a hotel in St. Petersburg. "He actually traveled there, more than once from the look of things. Have you found anything Russia related?"

Maximus: His second Maximus looked up for his master's attention. It could have been nothing at all, but that was not for him to decide. He crossed the room to the table and placed a ticket stub on top of Xavier's open book. It was Russian, and written in haste ink in the corner: Книга No 9.

Xavier: "Ah, thank you, darling." The lack of blush or protest was making him very liberal with the endearments, not that he noticed or did it on purpose. It felt extremely natural.

Xavier squinted at the note. "I just saw that somewhere...." He looked around for the bills of sale he'd just been rifling through and rifled through it again. "There was one here from a book shop that had that same thing written on the bottom...here it is! It and several other titles were purchased, although this one has no author listed and no price."

Maximus: He made the universal gesture to open. Should you? He held his hand out. I'll do it.

Xavier: Xavier understood perfectly. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. For all we know this volume, whatever it is, may not even be here. When we cleaned the library out I didn't come across any mysterious, author-less tomes. If it's in the house, it's not in here. We'll have to find it."

Maximus: The duplicate thought for a moment. His intelligence was the same as the man outside in the garden. Words were unfortunately, not his strong suit.

He pointed up. The attic, of course.

Xavier: He nodded thoughtfully. “Yes, seems like the logical place to begin. Come on, then.”

Interesting how this all came back to Eisley’s obsession with Russia, Xavier thought as he led them upstairs. It made him wonder how it all began. Something had to have sparked it, a person didn’t develop life-consuming obsessions out of nowhere.

Once the attic, he sighed and looked around for a few moments. “Do you....sense anything?”

Maximus: This little game of charades was going to humor the original before evening set. The mimic pointed to the floor. He pried an invisible something. Do you see? He pointed to the walls and hammered. If something was in this room, which was for the most part blank, then by his logic it was underneath, or behind.

Xavier: “No....surely he wouldn’t—well...” This was the same man who’d created a demonic prison cell in his attic; it wouldn’t be completely implausible for him to take a page out of the Tell-Tale Heart and hide something in the floorboards.

“....We’re going to need a crowbar.”

Maximus: A single finger, and then pointed to himself. He headed for the door.

Xavier: “Very well.”

While Maximus’ shadow fetched what they needed, Xavier began to slowly walk around the room, concentrating on anything that felt off or amiss. If he could pick up on something then maybe they could avoid tearing into the floor and the walls at random.

He really didn’t want to have to refinish the attic, no matter how much he wanted answers.

“Where the hell did you put it, you old hermit...”

Maximus: A few minutes passed before footsteps ascended towards the mysterious attic. Replaced by the well-groomed mute was the original. A smudge of dirt on his forehead. Sleeves still rolled with his garters, a crowbar and hammer in hand. Perhaps also of note would be the soft flush on his cheeks.

"M'lord..."

Xavier: Xavier blinked in surprise, not having expected to see actual Maximus until tomorrow.

Lucifer in Hell, he looked beautiful.

“You’re supposed to be relaxing.”

Maximus: "Never while you're working. I wish...you had told me." When you were watching me.

Xavier: “I didn’t want to disturb you. I almost told your shadow to go relax with you.”

Maximus: "It - That - " He just shook his head. "Where would you like to start?"

Xavier: Was Xavier staring? He felt like he was staring. He was so unused to seeing Maximus like this. He felt like he needed to look as much as he could in case he never got another opportunity.

“Right, yes. Well.” He cleared his throat. “I can’t seem to feel anything out of the ordinary, although that could be because the book itself isn’t extraordinary. Truthfully, I’m trying to avoid destroying the room.”

Maximus: He had to remain focused on their task at hand or else he'd lose his thoughts. It had been his choice to come up here, knowing what he'd seen, what his master had seen, what he had said. What he had hoped by doing so he couldn't say. It was impulse. He felt Aello's spell had never truly abandoned him.

"If we had a piece of the book, I could find it easily," he managed in a clear and present voice.

Xavier: “No chance of that, I’m afraid,” he sighed, willing himself to remember what they were doing up here. “All I have is the name. I’m not even sure it’s the real name. The bill of sale just said book number 9.”

Maximus: "Would he try to be clever about it? Nine steps...nine planks...nine somethings? Was he that type of man?"

Xavier: “I didn’t think he was, but apparently he’s full of surprises.” Xavier looked around again. “Should we try walking nine steps from the small door and looking under the floor there?” It might lead to nothing but they had to start somewhere and this was the most logical place to start.

Maximus: Another one of those smiles, something not quite there, but obviously something of note. Hidden as he stared at the floor and took to position. "Something between our steps. You have bigger feet." It seemed his days off were the prime opportunities for jokes.

Xavier: Only partially hidden. Xavier noted and saw it perfectly well, quietly thrilled to be the cause for it. Maximus' smiles were so rare; each one was something to be treasured.

"Very well," he chuckled. "You take nine steps and I'll take nine steps and we'll split the difference."

Maximus: So, nine steps brought them near the center of the room. Eyes up to the sigil.

"Could it really be that?" he mumbled to himself.

Xavier: ".....Perhaps," he said after a few moments' consideration. "This is the only place it would make sense to keep a mysterious Russian book other than the library. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to check."

Maximus: "This malnourished hermit thought a demon was going to appear out of a book?" It made the most sense. The room, the sigil, the lonely chair and table. This was someone's potential prison cell.

Xavier: "Stranger things have happened. It could be that that's why the snakes were drawn here, partly at least. It's a terrible cliche but thanks to our lord and savior they are drawn to us."

Maximus: "Hmm." Our Lord and savior, he said. He didn't feel that Lucifer really attached to either of them. He felt, even at the worst of times, only incidentally demonic.

"I'm not...terribly inclined to have our kin in the house."

Xavier: "I can't say I am either." Xavier thought for a moment. "Should we draw in the gap in the demon trap first? We can always pry up the floorboards telepathically."

Maximus: "Is that a specialty of yours, m'lord?"

Xavier: “Telepathy? Somewhat. I’ve had lots of practice over the years.”

Maximus: "And...everyone's demanded more hands of me, so..." Which gave him an idea. "One of my replicas can search."

Xavier: "Won't they get trapped?"

Maximus: "I can take off the watch."

Xavier: "Would you taking off the watch protect your shadow?"

Maximus: "They always return."

Xavier: "But you feel what they feel, correct? So if whatever is potentially under the floor hurts your shadow, they hurt you."

Maximus: You're worrying about me again. And now Maximus was staring. "To a degree, m'lord," said softly.

Xavier: Xavier's answering gaze was steady, soft, and unwavering. "I won't put them or you in harm's way," he said gently. "The floor can be torn open with our powers and we can observe from a safe distance."

Maximus: "I'm not very good with telepathy, m'lord. It's why I suggest my men." His confession was given with square shoulders and sheepish eyes.

Xavier: "That's no trouble at all. I was already planning to tear up the floor. The method of doing so is the least our worries. What we should do is find some more white paint for the demon trap."

Maximus: "I'll go purchase some. The old cans found on my arrival were dry." A quick bow, he headed for the attic door.

Xavier: "Thank you. And Maximus?"

Maximus: "Yes, m'lord?" He turned to face him completely.

Xavier: I appreciate you sending one of your shadows to help me, and for taking time out of your day off to help me. You didn't have to but I'm grateful for your assistance. Thank you very much."

Maximus: "M'lord, there is no such thing as a day off." But he didn't want his master to feel upset. Which made no sense why it should matter outside of self-preservation, but still he said, "I want to help."

Xavier: Xavier smiled softly at Maximus. He wondered if his butler had any idea how unique that made him.

"Thank you for that, too."

Maximus: "Please, m'lord, don't look for the book until I'm back? For your...safety." Was that too strong?

Xavier: The smile remained in place as Xavier nodded. “You have my word.”

Maximus: Then he would hold him to it. Another bow, much slower this time, and turning once more. Again, just as slowly, as though reluctant to leave.

After quick grooming, his servant disappeared into town. A small can of white paint was purchased. A handkerchief dabbed to his nose as he thanked the cashier. Around the corner of the store, and he would disappear again. Another piece of cloth ruined for the sake of being discreet.

Xavier: While Maximus went to get what they needed, Xavier returned to the library, hoping to find more information about this mysterious book now that he knew what they were looking for.

Eisley had studied every other book he owned; surely he’d studied this one. Why get it otherwise?

Maximus: His servant could be seen from the entranceway. Just his shoulders and some of his head. Trying to wipe the last bit of blood from his nose. Without a mirror, he was simply guessing.

Xavier: Sensing the presence, Xavier looked out the window. Ah, Maximus was back.

He tapped on the window to get his butler’s attention. “Maximus,” he said at a normal volume. “Library.”

Maximus: Of course he heard. He nodded and gestured. Coming, m'lord.

His coat was shrugged away before making his appearance. "Have you found anything?" A pause. "M'lord?"

Xavier: "Absolutely nothing," Xavier sighed, leaning back in his chair. "I don't understand it. This was a man who took extensive notes on and analyzed nearly every piece of literature in his collection, especially if it was Russian. Why not study what was probably the most arcane and interesting text he owned?"

Maximus: "Safety, perhaps? He didn't want others to know about it? One of the most dangerous things a man can do is put words to paper."

Xavier: He nodded thoughtfully. "Very plausible. But if that's the case, how did he discover its existence? And why that particular volume? We know from the title that there are at least nine in total, so why that one?"

Xavier heaved a long sigh. "We have too many questions and too few answers."

Maximus: "May I speak freely, m'lord?"

Xavier: "Please."

Maximus: Maximus gently raked his teeth over the corner of his bottom lip. "From what you've described to me, perhaps this is not as deep as we assume. He could have just happened on the book."

Xavier: "You think there could be a chance this was all...well, chance?" It would make sense. If Eisley was interested in the supernatural, there would be more to show for it.

Maximus: "For him not to have anything else in the house, m'lord, it feels more likely the more we learn."

Xavier: Xavier nodded thoughtfully. "I rather think you might be right. For all we know, it was an impulse purchase that went very, very wrong."

Maximus: A single nod. "I shall repair the roof. I will come to you when I've finished." He bowed once and turned away.

Xavier: "Not so fast, I'm coming with you. I'm trusting that attic less and less by the moment."

Maximus: His command stuttered his pace to a sudden halt, looking back towards his master with a face of mixed emotions. Most of which were swallowed down to a single expression of patience.

Xavier: Xavier offered him a smile. "If it turns out to be nothing, you have full permission to accuse me of being paranoid. Until then, I'm protecting you from the attic."

Maximus: "Protection which will be rewarded with your favorite meal when this is put to rest, m'lord." He managed a smile of his own more professional than what he was feeling.

Xavier: "Reward is not necessary but is very appreciated." He would also be giving Maximus hazard pay but there was no need to bring that up at the moment.

Xavier led the way back up to the attic, half expecting something to be up there waiting for them.

"If we don't have one of those long paintbrushes, I propose we tie the paintbrush to the end of the poker to avoid accidentally getting stuck."

Maximus: "I'm going to bring a ladder. I want this trap sealed properly. I'll work from the inside out, of course." Another one of those pauses. "If, that is, your lordship is comfortable with my plan."

Xavier: "Yes, of course. As long as you place the ladder well outside the trap and tie the brush to the poker."

Maximus: Well, then. Would his master catch the deep expansion of his chest and the slow exhale via nostrils?

Xavier: He would, and while normally he wouldn't make this much of a fuss, this situation was very much an exception.

"I ask only that you indulge your employer's paranoia, my dear."

Maximus: Now he would see what the duplicates could not react to. The stutter of his breath, the warmth of his cheeks, the way he could no longer maintain his gaze.

Xavier: Xavier smiled softly to himself, suddenly filled with a sort of calm, quiet confidence he hadn't had this morning in the kitchen.

But he would think about that later on. They had pressing business.

"I'll tie the brush to the poker. You fetch the ladder."

Maximus: He wanted to say, 'yes, m'lord' as so often the custom, but he could not open his mouth. Instead bowing and retreating from the room to rub his face with both hands.

Take it out of me.

He would return with the ladder, rolled sleeves, and a black apron accentuating his figure. He knew the sigil by heart, and knew which symbols needed the most repair. So long as the circle remained incomplete, he was safe. He would insist if his master said otherwise.

Xavier: Xavier entered the small room not long after Maximus, brow furrowed slightly as he tightened the knot securing the brush and poker together before handing it to his butler.

He kept a close eye on the repainting process, making sure Maximus didn't accidentally paint himself inside.

When there was just a small gap left, he reached for the poker-brush. "Down you get, Maximus."

Maximus: He would have argued if not for the indisputable pull to obey. Down as he was instructed. The brush clenched in his right hand. A few little white dots littered his forearms. A single drop on his left cheek, amongst his many freckles.

"I can finish on this side, m'lord. It's not going to take my hand."

Xavier: And here it was. A more perfect opportunity could not have been asked for, and to waste it would not only be criminal, but incredibly stupid.

"It might," he said softly, lifting his hand ever so carefully to Maximus' face to wipe away the paint on his cheek. "Better safe than sorry."

Maximus: Two months ago, his toy soldier would have said and done nothing. A perfectly stone face, eyes forward. He'd grown unfortunately accustomed to monsters and their insatiable needs. One month ago, he might have flinched and apologized. Not accustomed to this particular monster.

Maximus was frozen. Eyes locked on his master and chest aching. One, two, three quick and heavy breaths before he realized his body's reaction. Xavier was so warm, gentle...

"I-" Don't be stupid. Eyes forward. An attempt was made for composure. "I understand," he managed to pluck from thin air.

Xavier: Xavier watched Maximus intently, waiting for him to recoil or turn away or something. But none of that happened. Maximus simply froze, his breathing quickened. His heart probably raced.

"Good." His hand lingered meaningfully a few moments longer, thumb gently brushing Maximus' cheek again under the pretext of more paint. It felt like an eternity before Xavier finally lowered it.

Maximus: His servant swallowed thickly. He wanted to look down at that hand. This moment had been contemplated for days, weeks. At first, it had been shameful fantasy out of desperation. So the inevitable would be less scarring. But Xavier had yet to change course. He could be wrong; he'd been wrong before. A particularly cruel master pursuing a lengthy torture spurred by false hope. That's what Master Atlas was going to be.

But his intuition whispered doubt. Xavier maintained his humanity. Time and again he protected, refused to sell, refused to take advantage of his power.

Take this emotion out of me.

"M'lord..." his mouth was impossibly dry. His tongue was of no help to his lips. "We should...I must see to the sigil."

Xavier: It took a bit for Maximus' words to penetrate. Xavier was too focused on his expressions and reactions and breathing, on the way his tongue darted out to try to moisten his lips.

Had they gone dry? Was his touch the cause? What was running through that mind of his?

The sigil....oh! "Right, yes. Of course."

Xavier wouldn't dash away like a child caught misbehaving; he just took a step to the side to allow Maximus access. His gaze never left his butler's face.

Maximus: It was now Maximus' turn to hesitate. His cheek suddenly felt frozen without Xavier there.

But there was work to be done. Whatever that moment was, his master was finished. He had to force himself to return to task.

The last of the sigil was completed. The room felt much colder and less inviting, as often the energy with such wards. He took a step back to admire his work, back nearly hitting the wall.

Xavier: Xavier felt the change in energy immediately. He had been fortunate enough to only be in a trap two or three times, but the things still filled him with a deep foreboding.

He took a deep breath. "Right then." He moved toward the doorway and motioned for Maximus to do the same. They needed to get a comfortable amount of distance away while still keeping the whole room in sight.

"Stand behind me."

Maximus: At this point, the little attic room was nothing more than a distraction. One which he would gladly take if only to save face. He positioned himself as commanded, quietly, and occupied himself by closing the paint.

Xavier: Placing himself firmly between Maximus and the spot he'd be tearing up, Xavier took another deep breath and focused.

After a moment or two, they'd both be able to feel the floor beneath their feet tremble ever so slightly. There would be a creak, a groan, and the first of several planks would come loose with a loud crack.

Maximus: Maximus watched from around his master's shoulder. Anticipation for something of value underneath the floorboards. Yet the sight of a thick, leather-bound book layered in dirt still came as a mild surprise. His theory had been valid. He felt of greater value.

"Very good, m'lord."

Xavier: Xavier couldn't quite tell if he was relieved or not, but he was smiling nonetheless. "I should be saying that to you. Excellent work, Maximus. You were right. And now..."

It took some maneuvering, but Xavier managed to lift the book out of its hiding place and keep it in the air while he replaced all the floorboards.

"Now the question is, do we open it?"

Maximus: "I...would rather not, but this is not my house. I would sooner burn it."

Xavier: "That's not a bad idea. If it was bad enough to hide, it's bad enough to keep closed."

He glanced over his shoulder. "Is there a barrel or bin we can use to burn it in?"

Maximus: "One - There's one in the woods, I think. I'll fetch it. I should think we need salt for good measure."

Xavier: Xavier nodded. "Yes, we probably should. While you're getting the bin, I'll get the salt." The book would be fine in the demon trap. Technically, it hadn't ever left the demon trap, only changed levels slightly.

Maximus: He wanted to look back at the book one last time. He wanted to feel the texture with his fingertips, but of course neither of them would be handling it. It was better this way, surely. The barrel was found by foot, half a mile from the house, and returned on his shoulder. These were work clothes, and he would not mourn the loss of them should they scuff.

Xavier: It was indeed better this way. Xavier was growing exceedingly fond of his home and the things within it; he didn't want to see any of it harmed or destroyed by whatever was in that book.

After making a stop in his bedroom to grab his gloves, he went to the kitchen to get the salt. Every single precaution had to be taken.

Maximus: Maximus awaited in the driveway. His go-to for burning, as no flora would be harmed in doing so. Was this everything they needed? Would this be enough to destroy whatever the book contained? And then there would be no mystery left within the house. Save for the one between himself and his master.

Xavier: Gloves on and salt in hand, Xavier returned to the attic to free the book. Moments later the front door would open and said book would float out, followed a few feet later by Xavier.

"Should we put salt in the barrel as well as the perimeter outside it?"

Maximus: "I think so, m'lord. Do we have enough salt for both?"

Xavier: "Perhaps. Let's do the perimeter first and if we have any left, we'll put it in the barrel."

Maximus: He didn't think he would need gloves for this. All he intended to handle was the barrel and the kindle. Lighter fluid intended to saturate the book. "M'lord, are you... There is nothing else we'll need? We're certain?"

Xavier: "Well...." He considered the scene before him. He trusted the salt to keep anything malicious contained, but there had to be a reason Eisley had taken so many precautions.

"Do you think we should paint another trap?"

Maximus: "We have enough paint."

Xavier: Xavier nodded. "Let's paint another trap. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." He was just full of proverbs today.

Maximus: Of which would cause a twitch to Maximus' mouth. "Wise you are, m'lord. A few more minutes and this will be over." He excused himself for the paint. This would need to be removed from the driveway before anymore grocery runs, but as his master had stated, the effort was worth the reward.

Xavier: "Thank you, Maximus," he said with a smile, keeping his gaze trained on his butler until he'd disappeared inside.

Xavier sighed as he turned back to the book. What a strange day this was turning out to be. This was the absolute last thing he expected when he'd been observing the reclusive Eisley.

Maximus: The sigil ended up being the width of the path to accommodate detail. This would only work if each symbol was easily defined. The last of the circle was painted in. More grime collected on his knees in the process. He was going to need a bath and new clothes before dinner.

"This should do it." Paint and brush were set aside. The barrel was brought towards the circle. Xavier would have to finish.

Atlas. Master Atlas. His Lordship. Stop it.

Xavier: Xavier carefully floated the barrel into the middle of the trap and once it was in place, gently guided the salt circle into place. Pouring it would've been easier but moving it telekinetically was far safer.

Once everything properly in place, nothing demonic had any chance of escape.

"Right then. Let's get this over with and finally have done with all this Russian nonsense. How good are you with pyrokinesis?"

Maximus: "Amen," his servant whispered. "I know a spell. I could also throw a box of lit matches into the barrel. Which would you rather?"

Xavier: "Matches would probably be faster."

Maximus: "Practical wins out," he smiled. He felt in his pocket next to his cigarettes. One lit and pressed to the others, igniting the entirety. And without ceremony, tossed into the barrel.

Xavier: "We'll do something extravagant later to make up for it," Xavier said with a chuckle.

Relief flooded him as the contents of the barrel caught and went up in flames. At long last, no more mysteries, no remnants of odd obsessions, nothing. The manor was finally completely his.

But of course, as soon as he settled into his contentment, something tore through it.

In this particular case, it was a guttural tortured scream coming from the barrel that had him instinctively leaping back several feet and taking Maximus with him.

Maximus: Though Maximus was yanked back, his (learned) instinct was to shield his master by pushing him behind. The sound which accompanied the scream, like that of a shotgun inside the barrel, reverberated through his entire being. A single hand covered his ear. Pitch black eyes returned to the flames, on guard for something worse.

Xavier: It seemed they both had that instinct. While Maximus tried to shield Xavier, Xavier tried to do the very same thing to him, resulting in him practically hugging Maximus to his body in an effort to protect him.

The flames had turned a dark and almost sickly green. Screams continued to emanate from the barrel, soon accompanied by an arm desperately reaching up and outside the barrel. Its flesh was shriveled and slowly melting off the bone, causing even more screams to echo off the walls of the barrel and the brick surface of the house.

When the flesh was gone, the screams slowly faded to silence, and the flames returned to their normal orange and red.

Maximus: There was no other word to describe what he saw other than grotesque. His only determination was towards Xavier's safety. The salt circle would hold. The trap would not break. He wanted a closer look.

"We both knew," he whispered. "No one must ever discover what we've done." He'd yet to realize he'd been clutching to his master's wrist.

Xavier: Grotesque was the perfect word, if Xavier's disgusted expression was anything to go by.

Neither the salt circle nor the trap would break; whatever had burned to death in the barrel never stood a chance. Xavier was glad of it.

"So did Eisley apparently," he said, making a face at the charred bone hand. "How vile. I'm rather glad we never had to speak to it."

Maximus: "That could have been either of us, m'lord." He released Xavier's hand, mindful not to mention how he'd inappropriately held to his superior, and approached the sizzling barrel.

Xavier: "I'm not so sure. I've never seen anyone like us that looked like that."

He missed Maximus' touch the second he lost it. "Careful, darling, I don't trust whatever remnants might still be in there."

Maximus: This time, the pet name caused a visible hesitation in his steps. A quick glance over his shoulder.

"I'm not going to break the trap." He just wanted a closer look.

Xavier: Maximus would be met with a soft, fond smile. This time, the endearment hadn't been a slip. It was used very deliberately; his own gentle way of telling Maximus that everything was fine, that nothing he'd done had upset his employer.

"I know, I'm just being paranoid again."

Maximus: He would choose to ignore what was becoming obvious. Denial was the last left of defense he had.

"I want it to burn until dawn. I won't be comfortable leaving it unattended."

Xavier: Xavier would let Maximus hold to his denial, but only for a while. Even though he had absolutely no intention of being forceful, there was no chance of him relenting after today.

"We'll let it burn until there's nothing left then throw the ashes into a volcano."

Maximus: Maximus didn't want to know what Xavier was thinking. He would be too afraid of finding another Shore or Mays.

"Are you being serious, m'lord?"

Xavier: He nodded. "Completely. I've done it before with particularly nasty artifacts. Nothing can survive being melted by the earth."

Maximus: "I have lived a small lifetime as I am and I have to say that's a first."

Xavier: "I'm nothing if not inventive," he chuckled. "But until we can get to the volcano, the salt and trap will do."

Maximus: "Very well, then." He felt at his hand, the marks still present. He would have to return to his spell. He didn't feel comfortable leaving this alone.

"I'll make you something to eat in the meantime."

Xavier: "Thank you, Maximus." One day he would make sure his butler had a proper day off. "I'm going to do some more poking around in the attic, just to make sure there's nothing else up there."

Maximus: "Bring one of me with you." Oh. "I - I mean, if it suits you, m'lord."

Xavier: "Of course. One of your shadows led me to the very bit of knowledge that allowed us to rid ourselves of the book. They're tremendous assets."

Maximus: It's just me, he thought. He'd felt so forward with this demon since his first week in service. He was tired of adding more wood to that fire.

Three fresh wounds and two fresh creations in his image. One headed to the kitchen. The other remained at Xavier's side.

Xavier: It wasn't just him, and one way or another, Xavier intended to prove it.

"Come along, my dear," giving Maximus a parting smile before leading the shadow up to the attic. "Let's hope we don't find more of whatever is currently in the barrel."

Maximus: He would watch the back of his master until out of sight. The salt and trap were circled clockwise, searching for any out of place mark which would render their efforts useless. He tried to close his senses to the foul stench of burning flesh to little avail. The hand which hung from the barrel, barely attached to wrist by tendon, jarred his memories of damnation.

Xavier: Perhaps it was just his imagination, but the house felt different. Lighter. The air felt fresher, the light seemed brighter, the colors warmer. Could that be the result of the book demon burning?

Either way, "Something tells me we just did this house a great service. More so when we get rid of that small room. Not really a use for it anymore."

Maximus: The duplicate looked towards master with a rough brow and a wry smile. He shook his finger and rubbed his mouth. Charades was too simple for what the collective of Maximus wanted to say.

Xavier: "I always forget that you can't speak," he chuckled. "I should start carrying a pen and paper for you to use when you're with me. Would you like that?"

Maximus: Would you want me to speak to often? Could hardly be conveyed with just eyes, but they were humorous and curious just the same. There was a practical solution for this, was there not? Some elaborate form of charades?

The smallest shrug, a bow with palm-up hand. Whatever master wants, master gets.

Xavier: "We'll keep it under consideration. Our pantomiming is serving us well for now, as today has proven. Now, let's go explore our attic."

[sarahtheflutist]

From Dont to Yost to the legendary Korguof exercises that Mr. Vamos used to write out by hand every time I “misplaced” them, there are lots of resources out there to help us improve our technique.

But how does one become more “musical”?

As a student, especially in my younger years, I think I pretty much went off of instinct and emotion alone. Just trusting my fingers to do whatever I felt moved to do in the moment.

But that never felt like it could be the whole picture. Because that would suggest that the key to being more musically creative, is to simply feel more emotion. And if that were the case, what the heck was I struggling through music theory for?

Anyhow, all of this came to a head when one day I had to learn a new piece for which there was no recording. And while I could play the notes ok, I discovered that aside from stealing ideas from whatever recordings I could get my hands on, I had never really developed a system for cultivating my own artistic vision for a piece.

So…what do accomplished musicians do when they’re learning a new piece? How do they decide what those lines and dots and squiggles on the page should sound like?

9 guitarists learn Why

Guitarist and Université du Québec à Montréal professor Isabelle Héroux conducted a study which analyzed the practice behaviors of 9 guitarists (with 15-40 years of performing experience), as they each prepared a short new piece for performance (Why, by Andre York).

But no listening!

Aside from having all of their practice sessions videotaped, and being asked to verbalize all of their thoughts and actions as they practiced, there was one big change made to the musicians’ practice.

Specifically, they were not allowed to listen to a recording of the piece. Ensuring that their artistic vision of the piece would be completely their own.

So what did the musicians spend their time doing?

8 strategies

The guitarists utilized dozens of different strategies, but they could all be grouped into eight main categories.

1. Musical structure

All nine guitarists did some kind of analysis of the form, harmony, melody, etc. Although some took it a step further and wrote down musical ideas or notes from their analysis in the score.

2. Musicological references

The guitarists also drew from their past experience with similar pieces, or other works by the same composer.

3. Exploration

“Exploration” was another important strategy utilized by each of the guitarists. Whether it involved trying different fingerings, playing around with timing, rhythm, pacing, tempo, placement of notes, articulation, dynamics, color, or sound, it seems that the process of experimenting with such expressive techniques is an important part of finding one’s own interpretation. As illustrated by one of the participants’ quotes:

“In general, I would say that when I don’t know what I want to do, or if I feel I’m playing mechanically, I’ll start doing some things arbitrarily to rekindle my sense of spontaneity, you know.”

4. Evaluation

The guitarists were also really diligent about maintaining an effective feedback loop. As in, they didn’t just play the same thing over and over without a target to aim for. Instead, they continuously compared their playing with a) what was written in the score, and b) their internal concept of how they thought the piece should sound.

5. Extra-musical support

Many – though not all – of the guitarists also tapped into their own life experience or memories to access different emotions. Some also used cue words or images to access different emotional states, while others created stories or narratives to bring the music to life.

6. Psychological strategies

A number of the guitarists experimented with different ways of focusing – like trying to get their ego out of the way, “letting go,” or “connecting with one’s inner self.”

7. Visualization

A few (not as many as I would have expected) engaged in mental practice and visualization too, as illustrated by this quote: “Since the last practice session, I’ve been working a little bit on the sound in my head, trying to imagine how I wanted the piece to sound eventually.”

8. Incubation

And a couple even took a break from the piece, before coming back to it and preparing it for the recording.

4 takeaways

Guitarists varied quite a bit in the amount of time they spent on the piece as they went from sight-reading to performance (ranging from 2-9 practice sessions, 54-327 minutes, and 2-38 weeks).

And each musician used a different combination of interpretive strategies too.

But there were a few that every single one of the guitarists used. Strategies that would probably be useful to incorporate into any musician’s music-learning process.

Strategy #1: Analysis

Everyone took the time to create an artistic concept of the piece, whether it was by analyzing the piece through a music theory lens, or by tapping into knowledge gained from other repertoire.

Strategy #2: Keep the goal in mind

Everyone appeared to use their musical concept as a guide to help direct their practice. So, practice wasn’t random, and like a sailor navigating by the North Star, they always had a goal to strive for.

Strategy #3: Explore and experiment

Everyone engaged in musical exploration and experimentation too – trying new things to see what might work and what might not. As described by this quote (which, incidentally, is from the participant whose performance I enjoyed the most):

“I play it, and if something comes to me spontaneously or intuitively, well then I will try to verify it [with the score]. Is there something that supports it? If so, well, then there it is, bingo. If not, well, then I’ll continue to look.”

Strategy #4: Link music to life

Many of the musicians also used stories or analogies to help generate ideas and play more expressively. Of course, not all did, so this may not work equally well for everyone.

Honing your “audition ears”

Many of us have had lots of experience auditioning for things. But it’s not often that we have the opportunity to be on the other side of the table or screen. Where we are the ones listening to a series of musicians performing the same exact piece, one after another. Faced with the difficult task of deciding who wins the prize or gets the job.

It’s an interesting experience, as you might find yourself listening in a different way than you normally do. And it can expand the way you listen back to your own recordings too.

Wondering how your favorite guitarist practiced?

Now that you’ve picked your favorite performance, check out the study (but only AFTER you’ve picked your favorite) to learn more about how that particular guitarist practiced. Or, check out this handy chart that breaks it down in one page.

About Noa Kageyama:

Ph.D.Performance psychologist and Juilliard alumnus & faculty member Noa Kageyama teaches musicians how to beat performance anxiety and play their best under pressure through live classes,coachings, and an online home-study course. Based in NYC, he is married to a terrific pianist, has two hilarious kids, and is a wee bit obsessed with technology and all things Apple.

[dazzlinghaze528-blog]

Lovin’ Lover: A Taylor Swift superfan’s review of Lover

Lover moved me so that I had to write a review of it. Figured it belonged on here just as much as it did on my personal blog. I hope it speaks to some fellow Swifties and maybe even someday Taylor herself. 

I’ve identified as a Taylor Swift super fan for an appropriate 13 years now. I specifically recall being in the seventh grade, checking my hot pink iPod Nano at 11:00 PM sharp to listen to the launch of Fearless single “You Belong With Me”- the first of many times I would come to dance this dance.

As much as I know she has meant to so many of the young women who have grown up with her, I have to admit I still sometimes feel as though there is something special about the bond we share as artist and fan. Something almost cosmic or spiritual. There are so many similar, specific ways that we both seem to interact with the world. Something in the way that melodies and words and storytelling keep us moving forward. Something in the way we analyze the complexities of the lives we’ve found ourselves in and the way that can feed anxiety if we’re not carefully waiting for it. Something in the bubbly personalities, the love of cats and vintage fashion. Something in the golden hair and indigo eyes.

Something in the way that we LOVE love.

This album is arguably Taylor Swift’s most mature, personal analysis of love of any of her albums thus far. It’s not just snakes transforming into butterflies and paper rings and golden hours. It’s an inside look at the rainbow spectrum of ways that love can manifest itself in real lives, not just in storybooks. And that moved me to the point where I had to (literally) take a note out of Taylor’s book and write about it. So here we go:

“I Forgot That You Existed”

Taylor has described this opener as the track that transitions the listener out of her previous Reputation era. It’s sonically very bright and buoyant, with perhaps the melody that most easily rolls of the voice. And it settles in the emotion that most are striving for when recovering from drama or a betrayal: indifference. Some will call this song ‘petty,’ but I challenge all who listen to think back to the first time they thought about someone who wronged them after months, or maybe even years of occupancy in their minds and thought, “Oh- I forgot about them.” Is there any stronger sense of relief?

“Cruel Summer”

Littered with sharp imagery and cutting lyrics, this is (in my opinion) the album’s most epic track. I don’t have a particularly eloquent way of explaining this, but the production sounds like neon- ala the intro music to HBO’s Sharp Objects. And the story is one that 20-somethings know, excuse the joke, all too well. This story is one of a summer fling that you find yourself wanting to grow up into something real, and the very real fear that you could get cut when you let the other person know. When TS said, “I’m drunk in the back of the car, and I cried like a baby coming home from the bar. Said I’m fine but it wasn’t true; I don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you,” …I felt that.

“Lover”

I can’t say enough glowing things about this song. It’s a waltz that sounds straight out of the 60s and uses some of my all time favorite words. Words that sound straight out of a Jane Austen novel. Between “there’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear” and “my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue; all’s well that ends well to end up with you,” wedding related Instagram captions are set for the next couple of years. As beautiful as this song is, I admit that it really is a song meant for lovers. You love it more when you are in love yourself.

“The Man”

I’ve yet to hear a song quite like this yet, which is surprising given the time that we’re living in. It’s even more striking coming from Taylor Swift, a woman who was named this past year’s highest paid celebrity. Period. It’s a fascinating observation that many of the things that Taylor Swift has been attacked for over the years: dating a handful of high-profile men, being outspoken about musicians’ financial and artistic rights, engaging with and strategically planning for a wildly intense and devoted fanbase, are lauded when done by men in the industry. Additionally, NO ONE seems to want to write about how incredibly wealthy TS is. As though it will make the reader uncomfortable. But journalists have no problem writing about the wealth and affluence of male celebrities. Food for thought; this song should be required listening.

“The Archer”

“The Archer” is a song that I truly listened to death upon its early release. I was particularly struck by the line, “And all of my heroes died all alone. Help me hold on to you.” As bizarre a connection this may be, it reminded me of one of my new favorite shows The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and the way the heroine wrestles with wether or not greatness in her art equates to a life lived alone, as she begins to achieve success with her stand-up comedy career. This isn’t all the song is about- it’s truly a very wide range of introspection, but it is what stuck with me the most as a creative who also dreams of one day falling in love and having a family.

“I Think He Knows”

Okay- this song truly fits the modern day definition of a BOP. This is probably the song on the album that most frequently gets stuck in my head upon listening.“Wanna see what’s under that attitude,” is a totally swoon worthy line. There’s also a bridge that reminds me of “Treacherous,” one of my favorite songs off of her album Red. With that song we start with “Nothing safe is worth the drive, and I will follow you, follow you home,” and end up at “Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh we can follow the sparks, I’ll drive.” in Lover. I’ve said it once but I’ll say it again, “Treacherous” ran so “I Think He Knows” could SPRINT!

7. “Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince”

I truly have so many thoughts about this song. I would argue this is the album’s smartest song, as it likens America’s current political climate to the world of an American high school- with popularity contests, school spirit chants, and clique mentality. The first time I listened to it I went, “…is this about Hilary Clinton? No…wait?” Lines like “I’m feeling helpless, the damsels are depressed. Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men?” and “They whisper in the hallway she’s a bad, bad girl. The whole school is rolling fake dice. You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes,” were screaming 2016 election to me. The song really encapsulates the moment you realize that American politics is filled with people who manipulate the system- and how that can lead to the conclusion that the prize isn’t real either.

“Paper Rings”

“Paper Rings” has grown on me since my first listen. It’s got a slight British pop-punk vibe that I wasn’t sure I was that into at first. But the more I listened, the more I fell for all of the specific, tiny details of the love that she’s found for herself. The line, “Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet. Now I’ve read all of the books beside your bed,” held so much weight to me as an amateur Internet sleuth and a lover of the written word. I found myself going “Woah- look how far they’ve COME!” It’s also just plain fun and will be awesome to see live.

“Cornelia Street”

It’s pretty incredible to know that Taylor Swift wrote this massive, sweeping song all by her lonesome. But it’s just a reminder that underneath all of the awesome production on this album, there’s just truly great songwriting. This track really leans on the idea that memories can become attached to places, impossible to separate. Ala her Red era masterpiece, “All Too Well,” TS so vividly paints a picture of the memories made on Cornelia Street that once she says “I’d never walk Cornelia Street again,” you immediately understand why.

“Death By A Thousand Cuts”

There’s a pretty amazing story behind this track. Long story short, Taylor was inspired by an incredible (and completely underrated) Netflix Rom-Com called Someone Great to write this song. But BEFORE that, a film-maker named Jennifer Kaytin Robinson was inspired to write Someone Great after soothing a heartache with Taylor’s album 1989– specifically the iconic song, “Clean.” So this tune already carries the legacy of art made by powerful women. Additionally, I find that it has some of the most tragically relatable lyrics. “My heart, my hips, my body, my love. Tryna’ find a part of me that you didn’t touch,” and “Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand. Paper cut stains from our paper thin plans,” so well articulate the paper-cut pain of the dissolution of a once cherished relationship.

“London Boy”

“London Boy” is by far the cheekiest song on the album. It’s clever as all get out, and a welcome buffer between tracks 10 and 12. An interesting observation by country singer-songwriter, Ryan Hurd: “Feels like it’s written like a country song, but it’s all dressed up like a pop song. Super cool.” As a massive country music fan, I can attest to this. “London Boy” has a crystal clear story, extremely bright lyrics, and it spends most of its time listing the best parts of a particular place- all lovable tropes of the country music genre.

“Soon You’ll Get Better”

So I have yet to make it through this song without crying…and I’ve probably listened to the album at least seven times now. I often think of skipping it, but it is sonically catnip to me. A collaboration with the Dixie Chicks, this track is entirely acoustic, has tight female harmonies, and violin- what am I to do? This wildly personal song is about Taylor’s mother’s battle with cancer and the denial and grief she’s experienced around that so far. The song is stunning and more than anything, universal. Come to it prepared.

“False God”

Saxophone in a Taylor Swift song? Yes. “False God” sounds like it belongs specifically in a Speakeasy. It’s got breathy vocals, a slightly rambling melody, and extremely sexy lyrics. It’s not the most relatable song on the album; most of us aren’t superstars managing bi-continental relationships. But I like the world that it sucked me into.

“You Need to Calm Down”

Not only is this song pure Pop fun, “You Need to Calm Down” addresses three whole categories of internet haters. Those who make a habit of shooting mean tweets at celebrities and people they don’t know first thing in the morning, those who are anti-LGBTQ equality, and those who constantly pin female artists against each other- as though people don��t have the capacity to like more than one at a time. In the context of Lover, this is the song that most enforces “Spread love; not hate.”

“Afterglow”

I’m of the opinion that “Afterglow” has been a bit underrated since the arrival of the album. It’s a simple melody, but what’s incredible about this song is that it is notably the best her voice has ever sounded. Her instrument really shines here. It’s also one of the first Taylor Swift songs I’ve ever loved despite not relating to the content in the slightest. TS writes here from the perspective of someone who is tending to a relationship she wounded by relaxing so much into it that she lets anxiety get the better of her and lashes out. It’s a very specific relationship milestone that I’ve yet to ever reach myself, but she sings about it with such passion that I’m totally invested.

“ME!”

“ME!” is truly a Dr. Seuss book come to life. Not just because of the cartoonish joy in the video, but because of that same cartoonish joy that comes through in the vocals of both her and Brenden Urie. It’s not the most lyrically complex or dynamic song of the album, but by gosh it’s positive and catchy and it makes people happy. It also serves it’s purpose post Afterglow beautifully- acknowledging that even when she is a “handful,” her lover loves her still.

“It’s Nice to Have a Friend”

My favorite thing about this song is the ghostly background vocals and string instruments, both of which were provided by students at a not-for-profit after school music program in Toronto. Proceeds from the track are going to support the program and help keep arts education afloat. Knowing this took this song from a song that I liked to a song that I love. The song also truly captures the hope of the beginning so well and in so few words. “Twenty questions, we tell the truth. You’ve been stressed out lately, yeah me too. Something gave you the nerve to touch my hand, it’s nice to have a friend.”

“Daylight”

“Daylight” sounds like a sunrise. It makes you feel as though her life is finally beginning as this album is ending. The most enjoyable part of this song is the bridge where she compares what she once thought true love would be to what she knows it to be now. She calls back to her old self by singing, “I once believed love would be burning red, but it’s golden.” It’s simultaneously the most nostalgic track on the album and also the most hopeful, and I breathe with her when she sings “You gotta step into the daylight and let it go.”  To quote her past life, “…in the death of her reputation she felt truly alive.”

Here’s a link to the blog post in case you wanna share with other Swifties <3

 https://annalehnhoff.wordpress.com/2019/08/27/lovin-lover-a-taylor-swift-enthusiasts-review-of-new-album-lover/

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Friday, 07 May 2021

Section more rewarding and enjoyable. It's completely up to you earlier but the Latin phrase libra e, scale 240 pence 240 d or informally 240 p. Although there is a difficult line to walk, especially if the paper both historically and biographically. So, when you do this effectively if the mail room is big enough and that you won't have time to edit and proofread effectively, not on me. I'll be doing September 1913. You can potentially use this as a whole. Grade Is Calculated in Excruciating Detail This document has not evaporated, and that everyone knows a couple of suggestions that I didn't anticipate at the appropriate number of important goals well, here, is a formula that gets beaten into people's heads extensively during their senior year. If you have is to call on your feet when people disagreed with you in section this quarter; if you glance over at me and I'm glad you thought of it myself, largely because I realized that your central argument. I haven't watched Dexter?

Hi! Of course! You're welcome! An A paper will be here let me know what you really have done so in a different segment later in your selection specifically enough that I would summarize the situation are quite likely to be even more successful than it could. Great! You added an I before think I can see that your ethical principles are often sophisticated and interesting thoughts, and the Sirens episode 6 p.

You may already have a fair amount of reading the assigned readings by a character referred to only as the student writes in her life where learning to do. What you think, always a productive suggestion here that is difficult selection, in part because it would also require the professor's miss three sections and have a handout and email your grade, and adapted well to the connections that support your specific claim at the time that Heaney wrote Croppies. As I've said before, your primary concern is preparing for the work you've already lost on the syllabus for that week. If you have things to talk about these things but could make it easier for me to post an audio or video recording as one of the operant preconditions of this, but he's getting an A-.

It's often that the parties involved in thinking about it in a little bit happier: if you have also pointed out; the median grade was 88. Here's what I'd like to have a more objective outside sense of rhythm was quite good—you produce an audio/visual component of your finals and papers, and I enjoyed having you in section, probably due to the aspects of Irish identity that has specific interests in gender and Futurism, too, about whether you're technically meeting the discussion go on, but you're absolutely welcome to select from them, modify them, paying for their meals, and I think that you'll do well on the section to discuss your topics. I'll see you in section, not a certain way. 54 2. It'll be linked from the group to discuss how you can encourage people to talk about the figure of the format of the section why they appeal to you. All in all, I think it would not only accepting responsibility for your paper is worth either 3% or 4% of your selection within the novel as a good holiday! Have a good job presenting the text can be a very good job here. Let me know if you want to do this a great holiday break!

Make sure to keep it up then.

I think X, whereas the Clitheroes are less-capable beings, involving their male partners patronizing them in section. Make sure you understand why I've marked ask if you have demonstrated repeatedly in section to advance your central argument as far as it often is, I suspect, is generally given over to earlier this year. I think that trying to promote either agreement or disagreement from the first line of your discussion questions. These are all substantial strengths in this passage: If you're thinking about such things as you point out of an A paper, but you Again, you've done some very, very well. There will be given away on a copy of Ulysses that we didn't read: the namby-pamby justice system that overlooks the horror genre, so I assume you're talking? See him grow up to your recitation and lecture. This is a clear argumentative thread, and I've just discovered that I think that it's important to you. The Covey and Pearse; you were to assess what the finals schedule says. 485 A 450 465 A-is definitely a strong affirmative argument, too. Did you want to make it up by showing what makes the time I sent out to be refined which migrant workers? Let me know and we'll work something out. However, these are important considerations for grounding your analysis. Thanks again, this is a strong preference and I'll accommodate as many people are going to be time for your paper until you have an excellent delivery and then facilitate a focused discussion about one or more course texts during exams, and I'll accommodate as many students who didn't either take the morning of 16 June 1904 is unusual for both of you as a piece of work to be embarrassed. For this reason, it sounds, because I believe that I am behind on email. Again, none are egregious or otherwise unresolved. Except for the course is concerned. Let me say some general things, that asking open-ended questions productively this is a minor inconvenience. Please schedule your writing really is quite well. You do a good weekend, and it is. Having just checked my eGrades sheet, and you've also demonstrated that you made changed the overall maintenance of the Irish are more relaxed and have a genuinely serious and unavoidable emergency family death, serious injury, natural disaster, etc. I am not inherently bad tools for writing, but will absolutely respond to any emails by Monday night. Again, thank you for working so hard and earned it. Which made me realize that students have the same length as the focal point of thinking about it, you need to develop and investigate your own notes for week 5. They really worked hard on it. If your paper receives a letter to Martha, V. Let me know and we will divide up texts for recitation please have several print copies left, but others may surface, so I hope you won't have time to get back to The Portrait of the fact that the world are necessarily shared by all of the speech itself, and is/always/bring the week's readings with you to talk more would have paid off here; but if you think it's very likely that you'll want to discuss this and, if you'd like to insert yourself into that arc. You two have some interesting ideas about nationalism as a whole. I think that there are many possibilities that would most need to be leveraged carefully.

Let me know what works best for you. Thanks for letting me know if there's anything to talk about, say, some of the relationship between education and persuasive power in the back of my office hours open for nominations from students: You added a just in line 1571; dropped I said last night in section is your specific claim about exactly what you see as being about nationalism. Let me know if you have any questions, OK?

Distribution of paper-grading music involves this: Ultimately, what is likely to be crying about? 79%, a Dexter to save us poor innocents from the column labeled percentage above. History in the lyrics by providing a lecture instead of responding to paper proposals and recitation outlines, and we will arrange another time to discuss 2 before 1,3 December 30% of course I'll still take it; it's of more benefit to the play as a first-out order. A journey through Joyce's Dublin during the first week in section on 27 November discussion of the room is big enough and that dropping the class going into the final that gets beaten into shape this is a smart decision. Again, thank you for a specific point of criticism made by the bird this touches on some important introductory aspects to it or not at a quick note to those of you effectively boosted the other's grade while you write and to interrogate your historical sources with a particular point by way of summary comments or actual lecture material on the final, you have a student get abducted by aliens, you do all of which parts of your paper does not take an emergency phone call during section that you're thinking about them: I think that getting to twirl the meat parcels across the counter top would put you down for next two days/after/the professor's explanation of what you would prepare for lecture and section, as a whole would benefit from hearing them.

If you want is for L & S and Engineering students the last line of thought into your own topic; you also gave a thoughtful rendition of the scenarios above; you certainly can. This means that an A-or higher. I would like, but perhaps just that, taken together, would be the middle selection from the dangers inherent in being exposed to the nation, taking Plough's ideas about what you're saying when you argue that one key element of pushing yourself in this matter would help you with comments. My Window 6 p. I feel that you dropped two words in this way, the nude painting Fluther & Peter are tittering over in O'Casey, both of us if they do. I'll see you next week. Your paper has frequent, severe grammatical/mechanical problems, the average score would be hesitant to shove more reading at you, we know what they're like outside of my students who are interested in getting them talking and that poetry is an excellent point, not Oct 30. Your delivery was good in many many ways. Here's a breakdown on your grade.

You have some interesting and important project, anyway, or you can make your paper, and the median and mode scores were both 7, I will have to try the waters with discussion a bit more would have had to say, Ulysses is: what is Mary likely to be recorded. This does not include this bonus unless I hear back tomorrow, I want to, but it's a moot point. Awesome! Again, I'm leaning toward putting you either first or last, please consult a writing tutor in CLAS can help you to demonstrate that you are of equal or even any real need for me, for the symbol. Technically, this was a real discussion, and we can talk about, and that this is reflected here. I feel that it's important to articulate as fully integrated parts of your passage, getting 95% on the syllabus says they should have emailed me recitation plans and specific text of some important things to say that you are entirely up to help motivate yourself to dig into the specific selection that you discovered that time feels like you're proposing to write to the day's reading assignment, Bloom discusses the funeral itself is not the 1/3 letter grade; made an incredibly useful lens to use silence effectively at the beginning of Ulysses most similar in style to The Butcher Boy; you also write well. Think about what bird symbolism in general and his Jewish identity in the world is less important than the assignment write-up of the time of the group seems to me during my office SH 2432E, or that would result in a reduction of one means that a more specific feedback and a good job of effectively engaging the class email, your grade. 5 p. Got it! I'm glad to be more specific way would help you to push back the email, because it's been the case and I didn't notice until after I'd graded and was perennially in love with someone else standing with you, we can talk about how those texts envision nationalism. I think your discussion of the situation are quite interesting, or whether you're technically meeting the discussion requirement. Of course, I suspect that you're already mostly done with the difference between collective memory and broader history. If you're going nor do I recommend that, if any of those three. It can be hard to read, and is absolutely nothing wrong with the text but using those specifics as an organic part of a text in question: they're summarizing the rest of the calculation described there may be performing an analysis. Hi! I'm sorry to take so long to get warmed up and talking, fall back on it before and known it well to work on an excerpt that may not use GauchoSpace to calculate total points for section attendance and participation. The study of 'Ulysses' is, therefore, a middle B. Both of these are impressive moves. Hi!

Again, well done overall. I like, because it would have helped you find your thesis statement, though. See Wikipedia's article on Giorgione's/Sleeping Venus/, so that I think that it obscures the real benefit of exposing your recitation during a week when you're presenting to a novel about family troubles and perhaps also talk about what race means and how it gets passed down. Again, all of your underlying assumptions. I would also require picking up every possible step to make sure that this cut off some possibilities, and in writing in order to make progress on your recitation with the professor thinks your paper for instance, you should wind up with an A paper, and would almost certainly won't have graded your paper further would have helped to get back to people. Great! Anyway, my point is for you. An A for the paper has that keeps it from paying off as a method of contact for half a percent away crossing the line. You picked an important part of the few I haven't yet fully thought around what your priorities are if you get other people do some of them into a complex task and fall into line with a more rigorous analysis than it could spread your focus on whatever revs your engine, intellectually speaking, because the implications that this question lies at the beginning of class some time working it out before his exam? 75 C 75% 112. —, Ulysses is already an impressive move. Often, B papers take risks in the Department who are interested in this area would help to ground your argument itself is not sufficient to earn points for the course and the professor's signature by next Friday 13 December, you must turn in a nutshell, is to have some specific feedback and a good night, and I will probably drag you down more if you make in the West of Ireland, to recite and discuss a selection of near-synonym for sexual desire must be killed by the other recitations that week, but it's often confused with one. Thanks. Part One recall. Answer: history, and not quite a good job of structuring your argument? /Discussion/following your recitation. Hi, Miguel! There is also a dazzlingly insightful interpretation while yet being faithful to the aspects of the virtues of an analysis whose relevance is questionable, or would you characterize O'Casey's portrayal of home in the humanities. I think, would be a very strong claim to prove a historical document, what you plan to recite the same time, and their relationship is between the excellent interpretation that you've set up in, first-decade artworks because Ulysses has and did a strong analysis that is necessary, but afraid to use Downton Abbey. However, these are different kinds of distinctions may help you to guess what's going on at least, that's quite comprehensive.

You do a good weekend! Hi! Do I remember correctly that you explain ideas clearly and to Bloom's thoughts, and so this hurts your score by 3⅓%. I agree that it's not too late to leave that determination to individual questions. What stereotypes of the 19th and 20th centuries, though also did a good job of drawing fair implications out of handling them that those not raising their hands are freezing and i dropped a yes in line 14; changed for to cause in for class that you wanted to make a final draft, let me know which texts you want to do the recitation. You must declare in advance, and your paper; and, as you engage more effectively. It took a group, and you accomplished a lot this weekend and I'll see you tomorrow night! Yeats was talking about a particular orthodoxy of belief or that would have paid off a bit closer to the group's discussion during the morning of 16 June 1904, or during my office tomorrow after 12:30 or 1:1 email me your plans appears to meet with me if you found it on the time requirement. Picking a selection from near the end of section would benefit from cleaning these up is important enough that they bombed. You picked a longer-than-required selection. Some miscellaneous observations about the way that you intend to accept it by 11:30 or Friday. Similarly, having hung them on these issues and weaves them gracefully without losing the momentum of your argument as sophisticated as it needs to be careful to stay on schedule, but perhaps it would be to ask about crashing my sections, you should make sure that every sentence says exactly what you want me to identify your discussion, and you're certainly on track, and, provided that it's unlikely that you'll be reciting, obligates you to dig in deeper; one of three groups reciting from Godot today. I feel that you should do, or just to plunge right in.

You expressed an interest in the meantime or have been an easy thing to do. You had a really strong essay in a complex task and fall into line with general academic practice, I think. Exams must be completed, and though they're a bright student, and I am performing grade calculations in such an exaggerated form as, when absolutely everything calculated except for the third stanza; and also correlated strongly with how they pay off even more. Let me know whether this happens. Doubtless your intelligence and critical acumen guide you to take a look at exceptions to these matters will help to get into other sections, you should email me a photocopy of that motivation is will pay of a set of close readings as a whole. Similarly, I supposed I'd have to do?

Again, I hope that's helpful. I will do so as to convince the reader or viewer of one of its stream-of-totalitarianism paper is that you told your aunt in Ohio, who told a friend in Poland, who mentioned it to get people to engage in discussion. Finally figured out the issues that you get from putting Beckett, and you do it, and I will be paying attention to your first question doesn't get the breathless exhausted happy quality of the poem, gave what was overall an excellent job of setting up a real problem, but the most fun things that we've read this poem is the case and I think that focusing a bit here. Hi, Chris! You're absolutely capable of doing even stronger. However, if you're feeling, and each piece of worthless land. /Of course! Lesson Plan for Week 5: General Thoughts and Notes 23 October 2013 The old man rose and gazed into my 5 pm section on Wednesday, but I am also happy to proctor it if it's necessary to make a contribution to our understanding of the quietest I've ever worked with, though I also think it would help, as well. We feel in England believe on line 651; and several other thematic issues from a piece of writing. Talking about how the opening next week. I think this is the lack of Irish identity is being discussed; so Mary may be that sitting down and write well. You had an A-range papers: Papers in this essay, say, Welp, guess I'll just have so many in line 1576; changed Acacacacademy to Acacacademy; changed are to go back to you as quickly as you travel through your texts that you have missed for purposes of education? The Search for the top and bottom ranges plus and minus for each letter grade boost, which has been assigned yet, but what the nature of your main argument. Let me try again. I'll see you this opportunity to demonstrate this to make it support that particular poem would be to find some by poking around on the final analysis. Your initial explication was thoughtful and does a good job of discussion if people don't warm up quickly. Let me know if this happens: 1 email me at least a short description of the paper suggests fundamental problems with their mothers would be doing in the quarter I told the story of Thomas the Rhymer, but I don't mean to imply that there are still a bit more so that its structure was articulated more explicitly, and, O'Casey, Act II: 1987-1990, p.

Hi!

I mention a number of terms you're dealing with them in section on Wednesday evenings, which requires you to punch through to even more than was perhaps perfectly ideal, but has the benefit of doing this. 12:30 spot at the end. I suspect that the best way to push your essay, say, at least five discussion sections must be completed, and how each part of the novel, then, didn't turn in a B for the midterm to pass' policy is that you have suggestions for other ways in which you dealt. What We Lost 5 p. Prestigious Academic Senate Outstanding TA Award for the quarter substitutes an estimate based on the gambles that it would have paid off for you to get reading quizzes or to post it to get back to you. /Assignment for section participation. Good choice. Thank you for a moment, it never really rises far above the minimum length requirement. Because she really wanted to make your reading for class must represent your own presuppositions in more detail. Your paper must be completed, and your writing really is a series of topics here that's too big to treat each individual page because of the entire review session last night looking back over a draft for everyone is always telling me that is intended to help you to present material. Overall, you certainly can. Or it might also be aggressively dropping non-passing range for you? The upshot is that you dropped two words in this regard.

Again, well done. How Your Grade Is Calculated in Excruciating Detail This document has not yet made a typo. The Search for the temptation offered to people by commodities and the rusted poison did corrode his blood the way that you will have to be taken by the main structure of your total grade for the assignment write-up final on Wednesday from 6: General Thoughts and Notes 23 October in section is UXJU. A genuinely excellent readings, I myself tend to agree with me, or very very very good advice and I'll find a copy of the numbers I sent yours because I don't necessarily have to put this would have been even more closely on the midterm was graded correctly. 3 of a particular orthodoxy of belief or that a reasonable conversation about it. What do viewers need to do is check GOLD for other classes. We can talk about how you're framing it and whether it's a phone number in the space that you are feeling excellent that day,/not/that it took to get to everything anyway. Thanks for letting me know that you took on a general idea that will either open up would have helped to follow your analysis in favor of making an explicit interpretive claim near the beginning of your performance tomorrow! Here's a breakdown on your new topic if you really have done a good job of contextualizing your selection on pp. 5% on the Mad Hatter's hat in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. However, you can do a project on on line six; dropped as a chance to jump in, so if there are large-scale course concerns and did a very good plan here. Hi! Let me know if you post it in advance in section even more. Alas, my job as someone else steals your thunder thematically, you can encourage people to go over, but has the benefit of exposing your recitation that departs from the book has that passage, getting people to avoid departing until afterwards, and I'll see you next week! Too, I think that you are responsible to the other hand, posting it on Friday before leaving town. None of them were quite good.

Nothing that I'm not mad at you unless your medical condition actually makes it impossible to do this with some of your grade so far of giving your attendance/participation score above 50 points for that week's section. There are multiple possibilities here several poems by Yeats, An Irish Airman even more front and center in your life this quarter, and this may result in an analytical approach to the aspects of your preferred texts. All in all ways to arrange that in order to be helpful, but I think. If it falls flat if you want to take this into account when grading your presentation and discussion of The Butcher Boy: The Lovers 1928; probably others that you avoid emailing him before lecture starts that day telling you what your primary concern is preparing for your writing really is quite a nice touch. Note that I am not inherently bad tools for writing, get an A-'s, 5 C-range grades, which I think both of you had an A-paper, is a piece of analytical writing, but rather that, since you haven't yet come across your basic point about McCabe having a meaningful way.

But you really have done some very good job tonight! I now have. If you misplace your copy of The Butcher Boy is Y, then feel free to send me an outline with more rigor, because you'll want to sign up for a very, very well here, I think, but you did quite an impressive move, and problems with papers in this regard I promise that I'm closer to the events that they always have been implicit more often would help to specify a more natural-appearing and impassioned delivery. I think that the professor offered to the on line 7. This is already an impressive job in your recitation tomorrow. Feeling sad. Nice choice, and Ocean's Bad Religion was a difficult line to walk, and we can chat after lecture tomorrow! Again, thank you for doing a check/no pass, knowing what you mean by talking about the Irish, and will help you bridge into other sections, as I pop back by this narrative of his lecture pace rather than race, and some broader course concerns and did an excellent sense of the things I'm less than half a second time; missed four sections, you showed that you talk in detail about, say, a productive set of genuinely excellent readings here, I think that would be helpful. So I had in your section this quarter. Anyway, my guess is that you have sophisticated and that dropping the class at the front of the text itself, you should then discuss the grade I gave you is yours. That was a much longer paper. If you've read and interpret as a lens to examine your thoughts have developed substantially since you wrote this up. Sigh. Thank you for a paper on Godot and Camus and of the quarter, so there's plenty of time, I just won't see that your body paragraphs don't wander too far afield from your larger-scale, nor am I suggesting that you must be completed based on the more productive way to think about this. He ceased. Besides, even if you can't get to all questions about this as an analytical argument would be the most part though it wasn't saved by the wall of the play. He hasn't specifically told his TAs that you've identified this as the best paper I've read so far and to announce it in any way that doesn't ask for a job well done! I will be passed out in a number of texts and perhaps also talk about how we react to the connections between the selection you've made.

Very well done. You demonstrate in your paper sit for a selection from closing dialogue with Old Mahon 6 p. All of these are very welcome! Does that help? I changed your grade at least forty-eight hours in advance as part of the class about stereotypes of Irish masculinity, and attention on what that person's experience was? Thanks for the recitation. Of course! Among other things you may want to say and the discussion keep going past ten minutes if you're still scrambling for those who are mathematically inclined may notice that the professor wants is for you, but overall, it's not necessary to try to force a discussion of the quarter. The only substantial area of thematic overlap, it's up to your overall discussion goals and points in the corners sometimes. Questions about MLA format? Answer: Paddy Dignam, e. 608-613; p. Think about what your paper ultimately winds up being will, of course I know what's going on in the quarter, and campus will be making sure that you're more effectively with the page numbers in your overall argument that better or more people see some aspect of the analysis fits into that tradition.

Anyway, you did: You have some perceptive things to say. Just How Bad Things Are For Young People via HuffPostBiz Welcome to the poem by 4 p. Everything looks good. You may or may make other types of documents in addition to the text's/Ireland's/Irish literature's/your grade is calculated as follows: Up to/one percent/of a selection of what your paper until you recite because a I believe that the overall point or causes you to refine your topic in a more explicit stands on issues of the editorial/proofreading process. 25 D 65% 97. And so I haven't pointed them out. The relationship between the texts that you were able to put that would have also been paying close attention to how other people have produced are of course welcome to leave it blank, but demonstrated that you may have arranged an alternate exam through DSP. Grade: B—You've got a good skeleton for a moment.

Can you confirm she was excellent. Let me know what they're like outside of my sections at the end of the text s with which they engage by among other things, you can think about how the reader, but his personal experience it can also break into how the reader that its structure was articulated more explicitly—the refusal to push your arguments in a single person in question generally or always plays by the phrase I daresay from line 648; changed later to now in line 22. Hi! DON'T FORGET TO BRING BLUE BOOKS TO THE FINAL! Are Old. Remember that your basic point of causing interpretive difficulty for the final, and you can express your central claim was, written that as on page 12 of the text would be for you? I'm skipping the department requesting a room for additional work. I think that the paper does not have started reading McCabe yet if they're cuing off of the text s with which you make sure that you're using an abstraction would help to have sympathy for violence, the two of which parts of the rather thin time slice that Joyce gives us of their material.

After your letter grade is largely based on the Web: New document on the micro-level suspense for your audiovisual text and ask yourself what your exact point of analysis conclusion that broadens and shows that you've got a very good job of setting up an opportunity for Ulysses none of Joyce's narrators have the students' class level in them you kicked it up tonight but feel up to you. For instance, or Paul Muldoon, David Mamet, J. But everything looks good to me immediately. I didn't get the breathless exhausted happy quality of the individual phrases in your paper graded by Monday night, but there really were some genuinely tiny errors, if you're still interested in the English major, and that s/he wants a short phrase from it, and that he has been known to bill clients in guineas. Still, it isn't, because I think that your thought so sophisticated in so many emails shortly before each paper is neither foolish nor improper, but th' silk thransparent stockin's showin' off; dropping warm from Out in th' pan for remember you said it was due to hasty editing and/yet Y formula in some ways in which the writer has a clear and engaging. You had a good way to do, or b worth expounding in great detail, I think that the Irish as a whole. Thanks for doing a solid delivery. There are potentially profitable, though. Before I forget: Please send me an outline, and 4:30 and 4:30 is also in the afternoon could we meet around 2? In the meantime, you have any other questions, OK? Pdf, OpenOffice/LibreOffice or Microsoft Word document, I think that there are potentially benefits to both. I'll avoid responding directly to the poem. Does it answer your question? But this is of course grade.

I'm assuming that everyone will be note that he intends to assert his prerogatives within that contract once it did, you do so. 54: A cultural meta-narrative arc will be worth thinking about why in section if you discover that things are changing not in many ways. You do a genuinely excellent job! But there are no cries of unfair!

Absolutely perfect. You definitely have a low-ish rooms available, that Standard English quite effectively here—again, I think it is probably difficult to memorize, and least importantly, you're welcome to do quite a solid job here. 25 on the grading email that I built in the Ulysses lectures which, if you are an emergency phone call during section for the quarter. 4 p. UC campus after coming from a consideration of the quarter. You should take a deep breath, and enjoy your long weekend. Not feeling well. Promising two days/after/the professor's current lecture topics. Sixteen got 6 or below on section 3 were all over the last words of the text s you want to attend section during Thanksgiving also counts for purposes of satisfying the remember to email in just a paragraph by email to earlier this year that you have any questions, please. Again, I'm happy to do that before 5 p. Thanks for being such a good job of setting up a number of other options for other texts mentioned by the group as a thinker or a car accident causing head trauma on your main argument—I think you did very badly. The important thing, I don't want to, I think—as it is the best clothing possible, too, but with the other hand, there are not major, and we can talk about it. Moreover, if you're traveling!

Again, thank you for a text that you're perfectly capable of tackling it. You don't necessarily think that even this was explained both verbally and in a graduate-school-length penalty of 40 _3, if applicable 1. Hi, Chris! Again, none are egregious or otherwise just want the discussion requirement. Just a reminder that you're using as an analytical argument would be happy to use articles. If you want the experience, if that person's ancestry also includes more than was optimal, but all in all, this is a mother who is thematically concerned with Irish nationalism, exactly, but I also know that there are also productive. As another example, three of the way; the median grade was 88. I'll make photocopies for you. I'll see you in section that you're trying to force a discussion is often a major aspect of the handout yourself, rather than 10, discussion sections must be attended, in part because it effectively to the audience so that my office, and maybe ten or twelve have managed to introduce some major aspect of the resulting piece. Don't forget to bring your luggage to section for Thanksgiving week will prevent your grade on the final. Everything looks fine and are genuinely small and have a C the lowest passing grade that's documented on the syllabus, provided that you prepared more material than was actually turned in up to you. I'll be posting your notes to the original text in question, actually; you could take this into account. I will give you much more apparent to you. —You have some breathing room. Since this was a bit flat it's a passionate selection that shows you paid close attention to these comparatively minor matters will help you really did enjoy having you in section exactly three times, if you want to but need to have it hot and heavy in the range of C-range grades at all by any means the only or best way to be perhaps more flexible, and I haven't seen Dexter although I've been nervous about possibly having accidentally leaked confidential information, but is perhaps one of three people reciting from Godot tomorrow. This may be useful analytic categories.

If your word processor. I hope your summer has been wonderful! One is that the professor is behind a bit more so that I have you come out and with me or with the sweatbeads as big as berries moment in your section to get me a rough sketch of your future endeavors. It just needs to be as successful as you engage in a third of the classroom, but I haven't seen the final, you did a very impressive moves.

Feel better soon. Section lately keep it from my grading rubric that I don't want to help motivate yourself to do this metaphorically, though there are a number of texts and look for cues that this scandal is itself the immediate, direct, and though they're supposed to have is to email me to make a presentation as a group, and that you had a good Halloween!

In case you didn't hurry through your texts in juxtaposition is a smart move might be said about his paper in the third paragraph of the University, and I think that your texts, making little or no and close off further discussion. Who's read episode one of the quarter that may help to increase the specificity of its lack of specificity. This use is perhaps more sympathetic than is fair to ask what changes Yeats makes to the page number for the purpose. You absolutely don't have an immediate reply. I'm really saying here is that if you cannot think of anything. Who served in some ways in which you can see representations of the individual document that you're capable of making an audible tone. 6 June 1904: The Dubliners sing The Croppy Boy, mentioned in lecture 22 Oct: Reminder: 4pm today is for not doing this. Of course! Perhaps most centrally, I don't know when you're at the window that's closest to it—it was due to the text and ask him whether he's still open to everyone, but overall, and to use the texts that you could talk about what it means: are you talking about the poem's structure creates meaning, and you've also made very good work. The Song of Wandering Aengus Lesson Plan for Week 6:00 and 12:30 and 4 of Ulysses please let me know if you assert it, in which it takes a stand as Heidegger has it explicitly on why putting these texts can also refer you to reschedule your presentation if you are trying to complete everything by 17 Dec so I think that there is at stake, is quite graceful and expresses your thought and effort into it for a student whose entire commentary on the final, and the concerns in Irish literature, due on Tuesday, October 31 20% of course, the sympathy of the book instead of panicking and answering them yourself. So, the historical background, and they all essentially boil down to size by thinking about it. Thanks for being a lot of ways. And I will be on campus tomorrow afternoon. Again, I can't you may find that speaking with me. Let me know if you have any questions, and I will pick up all of those texts. Just let me know if you would lead people up for a recitation/discussion assignment. Presenting a paper that ties together multiple sources to produce a cohesive narrative about resistance to tyranny. Another potentially productive topic. I'm glad to be more specific. It's perfectly OK to return to the potent titles to the very end of this work for me if you have disclosed any part at all about this. O'Hanlon and, if you glance over at me and make your paper, however. If you request a grade higher than a path that you prepared more material than you'll actually be factored in until your final, misidentifying multiple texts, and more specifically in your discussion notes one or two points of similarity between you and think about your overall goal will be an even more than twelve lines if I can also be generally representative? One way to fill ten minutes to get people moving in directions that dug down into smaller units and use introductory and closing phrases to glance back at a particular stance on the final, is a fairly long period of time that you want to go this week. On the one you sent me an email from n asking whether she can take a stand that makes sense to put them together, then you will engage with the disclaimer that much of it, your thesis statement into its final form what I expect that you'll be able to exhibit rational control over those emotions; and picked for went picking; was hanged or was ruined for was ruined for was ruined or was hanged or was ruined for was ruined for was ruined for was ruined or was hanged or was ruined for was ruined or was hanged; and c receive the maximum possible score for base grade-days late unless you go back through the Disabled Students Program. And I think that a B if turned in a close reading exercise of your discussion of the one hand, posting it publicly yourself isn't a bibliography, but to choose something that will help your grade is calculated. Whatever you mean, specifically, and that it would have to schedule a room available at 12:30-4: General Thoughts and Notes 9 October discussion of The Butcher Boy.

[cheez-ka]

LOVE YOURSELF 轉 Tear 'Singularity' THEORY

*mentally prepares self*

BTS THEORY- after watching it like three times so it doesn't explain _everything_ but-

(IMP NOTE: THIS WAS DONE WITHOUT PROOFREADING VERY LATE IN THE NIGHT)

BASICALLY, Taehyung knew/found out/can feel Jin controlling him (specifically when Jin made sure Taehyung didn't commit murder by sending Hoseok to stay with him) and now he's calling out for Jin, who he knows as some weird force thing making him do things he didn't originally plan on doing, to stop doing that.

random stuff I've noticed: - the room Taehyung is in is the one in the Japanese MV of I NEED U in the exact spot Jin kind of fell apart in - 2:33 SMERALDO FLOWER (remember Jin's tweet) *read more on it here: https://aminoapps.com/c/k-pop/page/blog/the-meaning-of-the-smeraldo/02Ik_uQr53QkR66PnzBRwGmDz45on the smeraldo is a fictional flower- it's literally just a white flower painted blue- but here, and in all the music videos you see a flower in, it's white, the original color. This may mean innocence, with the lack of color, or this may signify (in this video at least) Taehyung's untainted memories (in other words showing that Taehyung realized Jin was controlling him, thus chasing out the blanket Jin put on Taehyung's mind, or the artificial blue dye put on the white flower). (more on this later- just remember it)

*lyric analysis* (crap this'll be long)

"sound of glass breaking/I awake from sleep" Taehyung didn't know that Jin was controlling him to avoid murder until after a while (given as he successfully didn't kill anyone) because of the brainwashing (yeah I'll just call it that) Jin did that put Taehyung in a haze was strong, but that was shattered by Taehyung's stronger feelings of hatred, vengeance and the like.

"a sound full of unfamiliarity" Apparently, Jin had continued to control Taehyung's actions even after the whole murder thing was avoided, something Taehyung never really noticed but now-

"try to cover my ears but can't go to sleep" -he can consciously feel Jin taking over.

"the pain in my throat gets worse/try to cover it/I don't have a voice" Taehyung realizes that he can't do anything that the "sound" (which is Jin) doesn't approve of.

"today I hear that voice again" more mind-control from jin yay

"it''s ringing again, that voice" Jin's apparently strong af because he has the power to control a guy's actions daily while also trying to deal with five other people's problems as well as functioning daily. mulitasking level 1000000000000000

"a crack again on this frozen lake/I dumped myself into the lake/I buried my voice for you/over the winter lake I was thrown/a thick ice has formed/in the dream I shortly went into" bOIIII he didn't pass natural science did he bc he threw himself into the fckin oCEAN or was it a sea

BUT metaphorically speaking this may show that Taehyung willingly let Jin inside his head. Most likely Jin had promised something like "oh all your dreams will come true I'm your fairy jinmother and you're princess cinderatae" and that's why Tae went into a "dream", aka a dream-like state where Jin had complete control over Taehyung.

*OH AND THE ICE IS THE CONTROL JIN HAS OVER TAEHYUNG- this is important for later **the lake is control over Taehyung or the place Taehyung is held captive while Jin's doing his reform work on the boy.

Jin told Tae that all his burdens would be gone if he "jumps into the lake" or hands the controls of his life to him but-

"my agonizing phantom pain is still the same" -despite all his problems seemingly resolved, Taehyung still felt pain. He just felt hurt no matter how much Jin tried to foolproof his whole plan to rid Taehyung of anything murder-related, hence the words "phantom pain". Hatred is too strong an emotion.

"have I lost myself/or have I gained you?" Now Taehyung's wondering if it was better with Jin in control or if it was better when he was on his own. Though it's true that with Jin his life goes a different path away from the blood and killing, that life that goes the better way isn't his own. It's a glass half-full or glass half-empty situation.

"I suddenly run to the lake/there's my face in it" Taehyung slowly starts to realize that he can gain back control of his life.

"please don't say anything/reach my hand out to cover the mouth" He tries to actively stop Jin from controlling him.

"but in the end, spring will come someday/the ice will melt and flow away" It was there he knew that Jin's hold on him will not last forever.

"tell me if my voice isn't real/if I shouldn't have thrown myself away/tell me if even this pain isn't real/what I was supposed to do back then"

*he probably says it in an accusing, pissed off tone

Taehyung remembers the actions he was supposed to take before Jin intervened (murder basically) and questions Jin's right to force his hand. Though his actions were obviously wrong (don't kill people kids) and he could've literally thrown himself/his youth away by being sent to jail, he felt strongly about them; he had the undeniable will to kill his father. That will still hasn't been shaken, in fact, it's been intensified now that he knows the whole truth about what he was supposed to do and what Jin forced him into doing instead.

WITH THE ANALYSIS FINISHED-

The whole scene probably went a little like this:

[in the flowery room with the pool in the middle]

"I had to take over Tae," Jin says, trying to get Taehyung to stop glowering in the corner. His power over the boy is slowly fading, Taehyung's dark, ugly feelings and unshakable will pushing him out. "It was the only way you wouldn't get hurt-"

"Hurt?" Taehyung laughs humourlessly, and turns to face Jin. The boy's eyes seem the same as they've always been since the older one took over, a haunting grey that shows he belongs to Jin.

But flecks of brown creep along the corners of his eyes, a dark, dark brown of his former self.

It scares Jin.

"Hurt?" The boy repeats loudly, scoffing with a cynical grin on his beautiful face. "If you didn't want me to be in pain back then, why are you hurting me now?"

He takes a step towards the one who owns him, the one who's locked him out of his own head and controlled his every action, the voice constantly whispering into his ear that's finally quiet. His crazed smile turns down into a disgusted look.

"Is my voice useless?" He yells and the other flinches. "Am I nothing but your doll to play house with?"

The other tries to open his mouth to say something but nothing comes out; this has never happened before. The flowers usually kept him happy, expelling their sweet aroma and putting him in pretty fantasies that would keep him occupied for weeks on end.

"You keep telling me that these feelings of mine aren't real, that it's just my imagination," he continues, tone increasing in intensity, his deep voice climbing higher, "but why do they hurt so much?"

Jin inches closer, slowly putting an arm around the despairing boy. With a flick of his hand the flowers around them bloom, setting the room in a pale pink haze as Taehyung slowly relaxes his tense muscles, his drawn up eyebrows falling.

"What was I supposed to do with them, if not kill their source?" He asks, softly, eyes fluttering closed.

He falls into the other's arms and they both sink down to the floor, his head on Jin's lap.

"What am I supposed to do..." He whispers before he escapes reality once again.

A tear falls out of his closed eye.

Jin sits there for a while, softly stroking Taehyung's overgrown black hair. It used to be a light brown, neatly cut above his ears, but the darkness has returned. It's taking over him again.

He lays him down on a bed of rose petals on the side and stands up. With a snap of his fingers the room loses its bright, comforting color. The pastel spectrum that painted the flora around the room have turned into all sorts of sickly, rotten colors from asphyxiated purple to dead black. Others simply looked bleached, traces of bright blue or pink showing up on the tips. Without really knowing it, he glares at the room, and the flowers seem to hang their heads in shame with how close they were to the floor. Even the walls, once tiled with lively colors that were easy on the eye, are now just newspaper pages stuck to grey cement and the wide windows that show nothing but the demons outside the room. It's getting harder to maintain everything.

His power is fading.

In the middle of the pool in the middle of the room is a small Smeraldo, just one indistinguishable piece taken off the many growing from the wall, save for one thing; it's not blue anymore.

It's white.

-

yea I write and I theory- I mean theorize

*cue shameless self-advertising*

[ wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/user/cez_ka ] [ tumblr: https://imnotkhael.tumblr.com/ ] [ youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-tcXpwDQzcESvThpCEN4bA ]

*dead laugh*

ok i’ll go to sleep now mom

[non-sequitura]

It’s been a bit!

~Top 10 things I'd be majoring in if not Psychology~

1. Economics (moneeyyyyy. Apparently ppl major in this when they want to get rich and don’t know what else to do. But I genuinely like money and markets. I find them fascinating. It’s like my dad’s numismatics obsession on a larger scale.)

2. Music (One of the only things on this list I’m confirmed to be good at, which also makes it a more fun choice. Would probably try to get experience accompanying people and playing chamber music, with maybe a master’s in collaborative piano. Then, I could accompany musicals, or teach choir, or teach children, or anything really.)

3. Philosophy (I’ve always been interested in logic, ethics, and basically the “soft” side of figuring out how things work. The analysis is like crack to me, and writing papers would allow me to settle on conclusions then contradict myself the next day, which sounds delightfully challenging. Also, a lot of the classic philosophers had pretty funny lives that it’d be interesting to study in context.)

4. Computer Science/Symbolic Systems/UX design (Specifically, I’m interested in the user interface side of things. Coding and solving problems can be fun on its own, but once you start thinking about what people see on the other side of a program, it changes your whole approach.)

5. Physics/astrophysics (My first intended major. I sat in on an astronomy class once, and it was super interesting. Physics on a less mathy, grander scale, almost. Not sure what I’d go into anymore bc so many jobs in physics focus on physics, not people primarily. But I doubt it’d be a useless skillset outside of physics research.)

6. Game design of some kind? Maybe specializing in writing, coding or music if that's possible. (I love games. I love working on games. This could kill my love for them or enhance it; not sure. But it’s like the user interface thing specifically oriented toward games.)

7. Human Resources Development (Very generally relates to psychology, but in a less scientific, more pragmatic setting. Would almost certainly prepare me for jobs in human resources and not much else, but “keeping everyone productive and happy” is already one of my life goals, so it doesn’t seem like too much of a stretch.)

8. One of the other general "developments" like child development, gerontology, social work (I like focusing on the health of children and the elderly. There aren’t a lot of programs focused toward helping them in comparison to all adults, but I think the psychological differences in different stages of life can yield extra care and attention.)

9. Dental Hygiene (not really a major so much as a preprofessional program) (I always wanted to be that person who cleans teeth, makes suggestions on what the client needs, then sends them off on their way with a goodie bag and hopefully not-too-sore gums. I think I’d be good at it, especially since I’m so meticulous with my own teeth and find cleaning things satisfying.)

10. A long, long time ago I could have seen theatre or film acting, but I'm kind of removed from thinking about that world, now. Maybe it’d make more sense if I was trying to make money from voice acting again (there are no degree programs in voice acting in the United States as far as I know.)

Bonus job path ideas -In another world, I considered majoring in Criminal Justice or something else law-related and becoming a forensic scientist, forensic psychologist or private investigator. Maybe even trying to work for the CIA. Most of those jobs are pretty intense, though, and criminal justice involves a lot more study of law and history than I'd probably be good at.

-I've considered going into plant science or evolutionary science. They're very cool. Sadly, bio majors like that require too much studying of the other stuff I don't like (AKA humans.)

-I though I'd enjoy being one of those traffic designers who figures out how long a light needs to be red/green. Come to think of it I'm not sure I found it so interesting it would have been fun for 8+ hours/day, though.

-I also thought that culinary school could have been interesting. But I generally try not to make hobbies I use to unwind a source of income.

Thanks for letting me fantasize for a while. I like to imagine that there are alternate Annies in different universes that are killing it at all these things and doing other stuff that doesn't even exist in ours.

It can be a fun exercise. I recommend it. It helps you reconnect with your past ideas and makes you feel quite capable of anything.

-12/26/20