#i'm assuming most of you don't have turkeys?? but it's not like we talk about the turkeys wandering around here much

[wren-of-the-woods]

I've been curious about this for a while so I'm finally making a poll! If you want, put your answer and where you live in the tags :D

[elizabethrobertajones]

so after taking like half a year to watch the second doctor, I burned through Pertwee Doctor in what felt like a week. I was fully ready to formally induct him to the hall of favourites somewhere around the top, pending the wikipedia search to check he such wasn't a terrible guy IRL it made it into the personal life section as per the last 2, and -

[refuses to be in a film when a producer won't hire a gay friend]

good start, good start (already liked everything else I read but this is an incredible character merit mark for a guy in the 50s)

[the doctor is literally just him being himself on camera]

Oh, so I just want him to be my friend, I see

[he said the catalyst for leaving was the death of Roger Delgado among other changes in the last year]

Wait WHAT - is that why there was no more Master later on -

[Delgado died on location filming in Turkey, his own wiki page repeats that this was why Pertwee wanted out]

NO NO NO NO NNOOOO

HOW IS THIS HUGE BIT OF DOCTOR WHO HISTORY SOMETHING I NEVER HEARD ABOUT? I GREW UP IN SCI FI CONVENTION SPACES BUT EVERYONE JUST TALKS ABOUT TOM BAKER LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED BEFORE?

WHAT THE FUCK.

I am DISTRAUGHT, the Doctor/Master stuff from the first few seasons of the 3rd Doctor was absolutely INCREDIBLE television. I'd been assuming Delgado maybe had somewhere else to be. Heartily recommend watching that entire run of the show if you don't want to start any earlier.

Well, anyway. :(

I know people don't like the weird James Bond swing it all took with him but the show had been getting more action-y anyway under the 2nd doctor and then a guy who had literally been in the inner circle with all the WWII creatives like Ian Fleming and probably helped INSPIRE James Bond gets the role, I'm feeling like we're blessed and privileged from this perspective of getting to watch it as a historical artefact. I'm assuming based on the vague things I know about the 4th Doctor, the first I'm meeting with any preconceptions, that he's obviously not capable of bringing THAT to the table because that was no ordinary skillset, Pertwee was clearly a top 0.00001% of actors and Guys Who Had Lived A Life, who happened to be doing a silly BBC sci fi show. I'm expecting it to tone back on all these things.

And then in hindsight from the Doctor Who revival era, all the nonsense he brought, aside from the Venusian Karate and flying car and a few other extreme eccentricities, end up being stuff that feels much more modern and like the kind of antics the Doctor gets involved in. Like, he took the sonic screwdriver from being a couple of times joke into a multi-tool with the first joke about it not working on wood after he uses it through many episodes to escape or explode things, all of which is so common nature to the Doctor nowadays.

He also had far more of the casual behaviours we think of as The Doctor now, especially way less circumspect name dropping of historical people and a sense of having lived all around time and space, sometimes for extensive periods of time (he clearly like. LIVED on Venus to pick up all the various throwaway jokes about Venusian culture to explain things he does lmao). Weirdly, despite knowing he was a timetraveller from the jump, the previous two doctors were quite close-lipped about who they knew and had met, and rarely namedropped.

In any case, carrying on into 4th doctor era cautiously because I am 1: sad and 2: deeply let down by my perception of Whovian culture as I've been exposed to it, which sets a ridiculously high bar for Baker as the high watermark of Who and meanwhile I have just bid farewell to watching one of the most electric actors I've ever seen in anything ever while feeling wildly upset on his behalf that there isn't a bonkers appreciative fan culture for everything he did and he's written off as one of the quirky weird early doctors you don't need to bother with.

(AND THERE WAS WRITTEN QUEER DOCTOR MOMENTS. AT LEAST 2-3 OF THEM, GENDER AND SEXUALITY-WISE. HE GOT TALKED TO IN POLARI. ON TV IN 1972. THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT.)

[copperbadge]

(for when you're less stabby but still productively salty)

Statements of (assumed) fact: - You enjoy mustard - You know a lot about mustard varieties - You enjoy BBQ - You have ties to Texas Violence: Rank the various types of regional BBQ

It took me so long to be less stabby!

We talked about this a bit but for the benefit of the readers, I recall saying that while I do enjoy barbecue I'm not any kind of expert about it. Although I did the other day have a conversation with someone from Texas who asked, "So did you find any good barbecue in Chicago yet?" and I said "Uhhhhhhhh not really?" and he was like I KNOW RIGHT

There's ok barbecue here, but nothing especially great. I know that there's great barbecue somewhere on the South Side but I'm never down there so I don't get much chance to sample. And as he pointed out, Texas-style and Chicago-style are very different.

IDK, my love of being a snob about things is warring with my love of sampling true regional cuisine, so it's hard to rank regional barbecue when I want to eat all of it. I do love a sweet sauce, I'd rather have sweet than hot, so I think my tastes generally run towards midwestern, KC-style. For the same reason I like Carolina, because it's that mix of mustard and sweet. I'm big on burnt tips and smoked turkey and I do think you get a lot more of that outside of Texas, where it seems like it's always about ribs and brisket.

But also, because I ate a pretty limited diet as a kid especially when dining out, one of the foods I love most in the world is a grilled hamburger, even though a lot of people don't consider burgers to be barbecue (and of course purists don't consider "grilling" to be barbecue). But if there's a grill going I want to slap some burgers on it. Or some teriyaki chicken skewers. This is probably my California showing.

So I think probably like...KC-style, then Carolina, then Texas, then like, northern-midwest where I am now, and then whatever's happening anywhere west of Texas. But also: hamburgers.

Come to think of it, I don't know if the northeast has a barbecue tradition. Y'all got good cue out there? Don't get me wrong, I love a lobster roll or some steamed crab or slow-cooked baked beans, but I don't think I've ever seen a recipe for like, Maine Smoked Pork Belly.

Anyway I do love A Meat cooked over A Fire in A Sauce, which I feel is what counts. :D

[nagdabbit]

title i'm so sorry my hand slipped: un-beef-lievable

rating: teen, for cusses and implied ass eating and the awful pun

pairing: hangman adam page/jon moxley (/renee paquette, implied)

words: 2.1k

@wrestleprompts week one: "Two people reach for the last bottle of the same drink in a gas station fridge package of burger in the grocery store."

i dunno what this is, but it happened.

.

Jon Moxley was a scumbag. 

He was a vicious, violent blood pervert who liked to watch MMA and beat off. A brat who craved attention and did anything and everything he could to get it—usually involving running his mouth to the point of getting hit. A troublemaking dickhead. An idiot with a mean right hook and a nice wife who terrified Adam more than he'd like to let on.

And most of all—worst of all—he wouldn't fucking leave Adam alone. He expected it in the ring, in the back hallways of whatever stadium they were in that week, the parking garage—hell, he figured Mox wouldn't hesitate to jump him in a hotel lobby if the mood struck. But not once did he ever expect the man to accost him in fucking Kroger, of all places. 

Mox was smirking as he noisily smacked his gum, eyes intent on Adam's. Man that handsome had no business being that punchable. "You gonna let go anytime soon, cowboy?" 

Like hell was he gonna. He wasn't ever one to back down, especially not to Mox. "I got here first."

"Bullshit."

"You're always tryin' to ruin my—"

"Oh, like you don't do the same!"

"Well if you didn't mouth off all the damn time!"

"You're one to talk!" Mox rolled his eyes as hard as he could, "C'mon, man. For once, I don't want any trouble. I just want the beef."

"Bullshit," he shot back. Mox always wanted trouble. He lived for it.

"Didn't anybody ever teach you not to fuck with service workers?" He made a face at Adam, like he should've been ashamed of himself. "Nobody here needs to clean up after us. No fuckery 'til we get to the parking lot. Cross my heart or whatever."

Adam rolled his eyes. Or whatever indeed. Man had no trouble knocking out any security guard, coworker and innocent bystander that got in their way, but a little rumble in a grocery store was a step too far. "How chivalrous."

Mox just grinned, gum caught between his front teeth. "Yeah, I'm a real catch."

Adam just wanted a goddamn burger. That was all. That's all he’d gone looking for. He’d had a travel day from hell, his nerves were frayed and his brain was jittery, and all he could think of to fix it was a simple burger. Just a simple package of ground beef, enough to have some leftover burgers for the couple days he was stuck in town for the pay-per-view. That was it. He really didn’t think he was asking for too much.

Unfortunately, the entire fucking city had agreed with him. The store had been cleaned out, no burger as far as Adam could see. There wasn't even any ground turkey in the cooler, let alone a package of beef.

Well, except the one he and Mox were playing tug of war with.

"Can you please just give me a fucking break?" He was dangerously close to begging, but goddamn it, he was tired and frayed and just on the edge of screaming. 

Mox pretended to think about it for a moment, head tilting this way and that like a puppy. "Nah, I don't think I will."

"Fuck you."

Mox looked around, looked at the meat that tethered them together, and looked back to Adam with his eyebrows raised expectantly. "Well, you need anything else?"

"What?"

He shrugged, easy as anything. Like he didn't give two entire shits, one way or the other, as long as he kept hold of what he'd stolen. "Well, I'm not letting go. I assume you're not, either. May as well get the rest'a your shit instead of just standing here lookin' stupid."

And Mox, the dickhole, just walked off without waiting for an answer, tugging Adam along by the beef. He could either give up, or he could stumble along behind, and he really wasn't in the mood to give up where Mox was concerned. 

It didn't take much coaxing before he was, indeed, stumbling.

"Need cheese, chips, onion rolls, obviously—"

"Obviously," Adam agreed, despite himself.

"—some veggies, and some ice cream," Mox listed off, steering his cart toward the wall of dairy. "Can you go grab chips while I grab some cheese?"

He gave the man a dry look. "You're not that slick."

Mox just gave an easy shrug, unconcerned that his trick attempt hadn't even landed. "I'll get you eventually."

"Bullshit you will."

"I did once already."

"No, you almost killed me."

"Eh, same difference."

"If you'd just let go, I'd leave you alone," Adam suggested, though it sounded a little like hopeful begging, even to his own ears. 

"Uh huh," Mox murmured, absently as he scanned the cooler wall. "You a cheddar guy? You look like a cheddar guy."

Was he? He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess?"

"Good, you're not completely hopeless."

"Gee, thanks."

"You're welcome." Mox scanned the wall of choices for a few moments, then settled on the store brand of dairy-free cheese, like he’s decided to zero in on the one Adam hated the most.

Adam sighed. "Nah, that one sucks. Doesn't melt very well, get the Chao," Adam grumbled and smacked Mox's hand away, grabbing for the Tomato Cayenne slices instead. "These are better."

"God, you're bossy," he grumbled, but he didn't actually sound too mad about it as he dropped the proffered cheese into his backet. "What else d'you need?"

He shook their hands where they were joined by the meat, "Just this."

"Well, that ain't happening, so best be thinkin' about what else you want." Mox looked around thoughtfully, "Need some potatoes and peppers."

"I'm really considering making a mess in the goddamn dairy aisle, if you don't let go," he threatened. It was weak, but Adam was dangerously close to just lying down right there and waiting for their match, dinner be damned.

"Oh, please. Sweet little country boy like you?" Mox scoffed and tugged him along toward the produce. "Your parents taught you better than that."

Adam scowled at the back of Mox's head. He was right, of course he was, but that didn't mean Adam was gonna admit it out loud any time soon. "What are you such an asshole for?"

"What're you so upset for?" Mox countered.

"I am not upset. I am tired, I am angry, my flight got canceled and then the next one got delayed three times. Everyone was loud and complaining and I can’t fuckin’ stand it," he began, despite knowing Mox didn't actually give a shit. "The hotel fucked up my reservation, everywhere else in the fucking city was booked up, so I had book a last minute AirBnb—which was a bitch and a half, let me tell you. And it’s stuffy and dusty and overpriced, so I’m out a penny and my head hurts. And after all that, all I fuckin' wanted was a nice meal, a night t'myself and some fuckin' peace."

Mox scrunched up his nose a little, frowning back at Adam over his shoulder. "I don't see what I have to do with—"

"You're pissin' me off," Adam spat, and gave the package of burger another firm yank. Didn't even fucking budge. "You have spent months at this fuckin' point, making my life a living hell, and you can't even let me have one evening."

A tilt of his head, a little hum, a noncommittal half a shrug. "Maybe. But you started it."

"How?!"

He shrugged again. "You pushed me off a fuckin' ladder."

"That was so fucking long ago!"

"Yeah, but it hurt."

Adam groaned and dragged his feet, even as he let himself get towed along. "All I fucking want to do, is go back to my overpriced house and grill a goddamn burger."

Jon hummed as he observed the potatoes on offer, like they held any kind of answer. "Sounds like a you problem. You can always let go and hit another store."

"I'm not getting another fucking Lyft just to go to a different grocery store."

"Well, tough tits, then."

"The hell do you even want it for? You can't cook."

"Nah, but Renee can."

Adam rolled his eyes. "Oh fuck off, who cares."

Mox came to a sudden stop, suddenly tense and still. He turned a slow, dangerous look toward Adam. "Did you just insult my wife's cooking?"

And Mox had been right, after all; his parents had taught him better. He knew a line when he crossed it, and insulting someone who didn't deserve it—and wasn't even there to defend herself—was just a step too far. He immediately raised his hands in surrender and, because he knew Mox, leaned himself backward out of punching range. Not that it really mattered.

Mox smirked, and placed the package of meat into his basket as he continued on down the aisle. Easy as that. Took away all of Adam's hope for an easy, comfortable evening, and he hadn't even broken a sweat. "Thanks, cowboy."

Mother fucker.

He watched Mox amble away for a few steps, until the spike of anger and shock subsided, and he was left with hunger and bitter disappointment. "I hate you."

The fucker just laughed.

Mother fucking fuck. 

Well, there went his evening, walking away with a smirk and a swagger. He watched on for a few seconds more, and then headed for the exit with a sigh, already opening up a map of the area, in case there were any other stores within walking distance. Maybe he could find a Wendy's, or something. Salvage at least a little bit of his evening. 

Hit kind of regretted not just throwing a haymaker the moment Mox smirked at him. They'd both have gotten thrown out, but at least Mox wouldn't have walked away with his prize either. 

But he wasn't at work. He didn't have to fight if he didn't fucking want to, no matter how much Mox grated on his nerves. And even if he had been itching for a fight, Mox hadn't brought his friends into it. Hadn't deliberately tried to goad him into doing something stupid. Just stole a package of ground beef out from under his nose, which wasn't a big deal. But Adam was hungry and tired and overloaded after a day of travel. 

He was slouched against the side of the building, in the middle of ordering another ride, when a shadow crowded into his space. Warm body heat, and a cloud of cigarette smoke and cherry candy and mint. He didn't have to look to know who it was, but he did anyway.

Mox was still smirking. He held out an expectant hand. "Gimme your phone."

"Fucking why?" he demanded, though he handed it over without any fuss. Mox would probably take it by force if he wasn't careful, and Adam was too tired to care what he planned to do with it.

An untroubled hum and a half a shrug. "Just thought I'd be nice, is all."

"You?" Adam lifted his eyebrows. "Nice?"

"When I'm feelin' like it," he muttered, busily tapping away. He made a triumphant little noise, and threw the phone back.

It was open to a text conversation, with a number he didn't already have in his contacts. A simple message had been sent, with just an address. If he was remembering right, it was just a few blocks over from the place he was staying.

Mox was looking pretty proud of himself when he glanced back up. "What's this?"

"Our AirBnb address, if you didn't feel like just catching a ride with me," Mox said with a grin, backing away across the crosswalk without even looking out for oncoming cars. "Just in case you still wanted that burger."

Was Mox stupid? "Why the fuck do you think I'd go somewhere with you."

"Figured you were hungry." He gave Adam an innocent look—much as he could manage, in any case. He was lucky he was cute, because he couldn't feign innocence for shit. "You've been talking about eating an awful lot lately." 

Adam's cheeks went hot, almost immediately. That was—fair. Adam had let his mouth get the better of him a couple few times, where Mox was concerned. 

His smile widened again, the obnoxious fuck smacking on his goddamned gum. "Renee said she'd set a place for you," he said, smug as anything, and turned away to hunt down his rental in the sea of cars.

Adam stood for a few moments, just watching him swagger away, and then pocketed his phone, ride forgotten. Maybe it wasn't smart to follow along at his heels, but he'd never really claimed to be.

And Mox was right, anyway. He could eat.

[biomecharnotaurus]

Ignoring the fact that it’d probably kill you to do so, what do you think some of the demons from Doom taste like?

Mmmh I'll go with some of the ones from the main line games and I'll put most of them in categories just so I don't have to repeat myself thousands of times

Minotaurian demons probably would taste like a mix between beef and pork. I think they would be fine to eat as long as you get rid of the organs that let them produce green flame, but they are carnivores and they are very muscular monsters, definitely not a very tender meat.

Pinkies...if we are talking about the retro ones, probably similar to pork. They have body fat so maybe their meat wouldn't be too bad to eat. Modern ones....oh boy. They are heavily platted and you are sure not gonna eat the plates, their skin seems generally very hard, very boney...the little meat left would probably taste more turkey-ish, maybe similar to a gator or a croc.

Arachnid demons...mmh. they look like brains but they have bones inside, besides for the metal parts of course, but you probably would end up eating organs, not meat. They also have blue blood, I assume they would taste very much more like metal. I'm not a fan of organs, eating more metallish organs...yeah personally wouldn't probably like that.

Cacodemons and caco-like are covered in osteoderms and they have A LOT of bones and only a couple of organs, no body fat. The vestigial limbs maybe would be fine, but I don't think it would be very worth it.

Lost souls are literally skulls DON'T EAT SKULLS

Imps...yeah probably very porkish. Not much meat, they are skinny.

Mancubus probably just very fattish pork, not my cup of tea.

Maykrs probably more like very metallic sea food? I wouldn't eat drones though, they are heavily biomechanical, don't think they would be edible at all.

Marauders and zombies are pretty much humans NO YEAH wouldn't eat, but they say humans taste like pork, so rotten pork it is.

Revenants...what exactly do you want to eat

Demonic wintherins...probably chicken-turkey like, the wings seem very intriguing.

Whiplash...they are mammals ok. But I think they probably taste like an imp with a bit more of fat because they have tits but the 3D model doesn't because that was inappropriate apparently lol

Gargoyles could be very good. Very crunchy. Seem very good roasted or fried, I think they would taste similar to something like a blackbird.

Tentacles...mh. They have bones, so I feel like they wouldn't taste like an octopus, seem very meaty...maybe beef? Could also be very good.

Mother of the Demons/Sister...they are xenomorph-bugs. I think you could fry them? Definitely crunchy, but not that great.

[tumblingxelian]

No, I think Akumas may hurt loved ones depending on their galvanized emotions or their radicalized persona. Usually in a "don't get in my way or else." Though the Miraculous Ladybug full repair power does put people's mind at ease, especially in a world full of superheroes as is.

Bare in mind, their emotions are pushed to the extreme so things like Andre having his family fawn over him obediently reflect may reflect on him but in the sense of him wishing for respect (the kind he has, I will admit, squandered in the most generous read).

Last thing is that her efforts as Queen Bee are hardly overlooked in the moment, especially after being formally given her Miraculous. Buuuuuuut bare in mind that Ladybug likely hesitated to give her the reason because she actually valued Chloe as an ally in battle and hated to disappoint her. Not even that she'd throw a temper tantrum.

There's also how Miraculer displays to our heroes how Mayura and Hawk Moth were actively trying to akumatize Chloe for the Bee Miraculous. Thus it lead to Ladybug, rather upset about it if you recall correctly, to renounce Queen Bee.

Thus with Miracle Queen, Ladybug is more disappointed that she really has to go cold turkey with someone she saw promise in. Chloe's rant about hating Ladybug clearly cut deep since her former hero has little to say in response. The takeaway for me? Chloe was tragically played and Ladybug doesn't fully hold it against her.

As for Ryuko being brought back, admittedly this is Ladybug's Marinette showing buuuuuuut if she needed to call on an ally as quick as possible, well, Kagami was right there. I can only assume most everyone else had stuff to do as we see in Part 2.

So... partly selfish to get her away from Adrien buuuuuut also practical in seeing who she had. Kagami showed great prodigious with the Dragon Miraculous with her swordsmanship and catching onto her power usage.

I feel you kind of inadvertently made my argument for me. Most Akuma don't bother with a "don't get in my way or else" stance unless its for a loved one. IE, Akuma treat their loved one's differently than they do random strangers or friends.

Hence why it stands out that Audrey kept trying to and then did murder Chloe. & why its extremely worrying Andre's goal was to mind control her, especially given he raised her to be a copy of his wife.

I'm not quite sure what the " her efforts as Queen Bee are hardly overlooked in the moment" is addressing. But if I had to guess, I was not talking about the rest of the cast overlooking it but the narrative doing so. The motive you read into it isn't impossible, but also is hardly established canon either. As it is, it seems like she just wanted to avoid a difficult conversation.

She seemed disappointed, but I don't recall suggesting otherwise? Though frankly the fact Marinette kept using Chloe every time things got rough means its indirectly her fault that Hawk Moth kept targeting Chloe. You can't deem it too dangerous, then withdraw on that and then re-institute such a policy on a whim and not have a negative impact. Its basically keeping Chloe on a Yoyo that leaves her maximally exposed while also being helpless and utterly isolated all at once. Its basically the worst way to handle the scenario.

Cold Turkey meanwhile feels like a stretch, and more to the point, feels like reading too much into both the narrative and thought processes of Ladybug in that moment. Chloe wasn't denied Queen Bee because it was an addiction she needed to go cold turkey on. Beyond that and regarding LBs reaction, exactly what S3 intended with Miracle Queen is rather unclear given it flip flopped between portraying Chloe sympathetically and an a baseless brat so (Shrugs)

Again this feels like a stretch, especially given we actively see Marinette hesitate and think if Chloe before choosing Kagami. She also has other classmates she could choose. She also explicitly chose the one other person who would be endangered by being chosen. She did this and we see Tikki judging her for it. This was not Marinette making a pragmatic decision. None of which is helped by the fact Dragon was far from an ideal pick for said Akuma.

[mylawcitrus]

On a recent Tumblr experience:

I went live. I had a lonely heart and shit to say. So I just went there and ranted, told the story of my exes, started to talk about technology, about stuff people did, stuff that happened. I can't remember how or what exactly I disclosed things, but I do remember that I was more or less trying to look good, and I still had long hair. And the first person who said hi to me was someone whose username I couldn't really read.

I endedd the call, and went to see who that was. I was just starting a job in a new company. And so I learned that she was from Turkey. I said hello, and she answered in English. She started it. "How you doing" and a wink. I was like... not a Friends reference where I'm the one getting hit on. After my ex sang Wicked Game on a videocall. Not that. And so I learned that she didn't actually speak English, and used translator. But that was after I asked to see her. I must've been really pushy, but I think I was just making like, a blunt suggestion: "did you wanna keep talking? I have a link". And she went to my Whereby.

There, I remember her saying "you show? For me? Wow". And she liked it. So much I asked her to show and she did, kind of like someone who's never done it before, except that she was not a freaking teenager, she was quite near my age I think, or somewhere in the late 20s. She even had a Master's degree, I learned.

Then we smoked a cigarette together. And we tried to talk. And I learned a sentence: "I like you", in Turkish. That's how I wanted to end the call. And so I did, I she messaged me every day. Including like, while I was supposed to be working. So it got a little problematic.

But then, she quickly started to do lives herself. And it was all her friends. She had many, oh my. A lot of Turkish Tumblr users, that surprised me. So the room was packed, and I had no idea what they were talking about. And I know it was a local thing, because the chat was all in Turkish. And then the people, sometimes 4 at a time, who broadcasted, were also Turkish. I didn't dare to ask. Maybe she wanted me to.

And now that I remember, she saw me play the guitar. And I can't remember what I played, maybe some Tim Reynolds, but she stayed and enjoyed it. On Tumblr Live, you could see who joined in the order that they joined, but you couldn't see who had left. I assumed she stayed the whole time, and I was like... "really? Someone would do that?" And I even had the idea of blogging about Tumblr Live, but nobody else did, and the commpetition was Twitch.

So the idea died, and my relationship with this girl, Mehtap, also kinda did, even though she's friends with me on Facebook. We can't speak without translation. I sent her a message last time translating from English to Turkish, copy pasted it, and sent it over Messenger. It shows "sent" and not delivered. I'm not sure what that even means.

But I got included on a Tumblr list of one of the funniest people I saw on live, @wh0-is-sh3, and it's a thing that I was hoping would work but I'm absolutely not familiar with Discord and I'm still stuck at Skype contacts and messages that haven't gotten a response, and I don't understand Snapchat except that people scam others too easily, and this is it.

My biggest interest when I came to Tumblr was posting poetry, some of which I've deleted because I found it to be too painful. But that's how I met @smakkabagms and, later, @heartofmuse. Then I had the privilege to be followed by the @bottlecap-press, who posts very innovative poetry and helps new authors get visibility.

If you're looking for the everyday thoughts I used to post, not in poetry form, I'll ask you to follow my on https://www.threads.net/@ivoescobar89 -- I'm on there most frequently.

Thanks, and if you have a similar meetup story, let me know in the comments and DMs.

If you have time, check out my Linktree on the bio.

[reinemichele]

Okay well um . I started writing this post and it started to get too long and go off topic so I'm going to put the more relevant info in this post and then finish typing the other post tomorrow probably and you can read that for more hashtag erin lore

Tw for discussion of animal death/illness, cancer, and (unintentional) disordered eating; no one is obligated to read this. It'll also probably get pretty long. Again, don't feel like you need to read this if these are upsetting topics for you

Uhhh how do I start this . Um, it's been a bad week. I don't think I've had a worse new years; even when my dad died it had been earlier in the year so we were more numb to the fact he wasn't there.

For the first few days I couldn't eat anything more than toast or crackers and I'd start crying when I tried to eat. I don't really know what the physiological connection is there, but I have to assume there is one. I was having to take my PRN anxiety meds multiple times a day because I was getting so upset I'd get nauseous and feel like I couldn't breathe.

I'm doing better now; today's the first day I felt like I wanted to eat willingly and not out of obligation, I haven't cried yet, and I haven't needed my anxiety meds.

But the day after my cat died, we found a tumor on my dog's stomach. It sounds like I'm making this up for attention on the internet, but it wasn't there before this day. Cosmic irony, god's ire, greek tragedy, etc etc.

My dog is 15, so all of us are against any surgery or chemotherapy, even if we could afford it. My mom works in hospice, so just take my word for it when I say all of us know how much pain and suffering and loss of quality of life that (invasive) surgery and chemotherapy causes for people.

So we just spent the day trying to keep her as comfortable as possible. We rearranged pillows and blankets, helped her move, tried offering her Literally every piece of food that was safe for dogs that we have (cat food, dog food, chicken, roast beef, turkey, ham, cheese, etc), sat down towels when she refused to go potty outside.

I made the decision to not talk about this on here for several reasons. I didn't want to contribute to people feeling sad or guilty over NYE, when there's already so many sources of despair and disillusionment in the world. I didn't want to receive pity; something I've hated feeling since my dad died when I was little. I didn't want empty platitudes of toxic positivity insisting that things would turn around and good things will start happening to me, and I didn't want to be the asshole who wasn't grateful for those empty platitudes. Most of all, I didn't want people to change how they treat/interact with me because they knew. I didn't want to be treated like I'm fragile or need special treatment. (If it needs saying, I still don't want to be treated like that.) I wanted to cry in my bedroom, and then reblog silly posts like nothing was wrong.

It's been a few days since the 30th, obviously. She's having less trouble walking, wags her tail when she sees us again, after a few (absolutely heartbreaking) days of not moving her tail at all. Her appetite is slowly coming back, she ate a little tuna and cat food.

But... the tumor has grown already, in just these few days, and she keeps licking at it, so it's sore and raw. My mom and brother don't want to put her to sleep because she's been improving. I obviously do not want to lose her; she's my baby and my sister and my mother all in one. She was the first pet we got that I picked out. When I leave the bathroom door open, she sits with her back facing the bathroom, guarding me.

But I don't want her to suffer. I don't want this to get worse. I want her to be able to go out with dignity and some quality of life. I don't want her to not have any quality of life left by the time we decide to stop being selfish and let her go.

Two of my friends sent me some money to help cover the cost of putting her to sleep. It was very very kind, and I can't put into words how much I'm grateful for my friends for every act of kindness and love they do for me.

I don't really know how to end this, because I still don't know what we're going to do. I know what I want to do, but it's not solely my decision and I want to respect my mom and brother's feelings. I just know that holding all this in and not talking about it was starting to be... Not Good, as much as I did want to just Be Another Random Guy on tumblr, being annoying about my hyperfixations.

If you've read any or all of this, thank you. Please don't treat me differently because of any of this, and let me post my silly little things like nothing's wrong. That's what's helped me keep it together.

Oh, and it's my birthday on the 10th. I don't want to get into it now (my birthday woes can be its own separate erin lore post too), but every year something bad happens around my birthday, so this is this year's Incident. The only socially acceptable thing I can think to say is a sarcastic yayyyyy consistency <3333.

[sereniv]

It's easy for me to tell people to erase Harry Potter from their lives, because I'm not a fan. It didn't change who I was as a person, I didn't grow up with it and it doesn't help me cope with life.

I dont know what it feels like to have something like that, and then be in the situation that interacting with it supports transphobia/transmisogyny/racism/antisemitism.

If you don't experience racism or transphobia or antisemitism it might be hard to make the connection. To feel strongly enough to severe every feeling you have for it to where it's easy to drop. You might feel strongly about the situation, but might still struggle with liking the content and wanting to find a way around it.

But interacting with the content has real world consequences. You talk about Harry Potter publicly, post fic, you are keeping her relevant.

And that gives her power and access to more people and thus helping to spread her bigoted rhetoric.

So I might not understand what fans are feeling with the situation, and I know for some it helps you get through life. But thats why you need to focus on her bigotry. Or make some effort by finding something to turn you off of it.

You have to connect things visually for yourself, about the bankers with hooked noses to the nazi drawings of Jewish people. Compare that visually.

To the transmisogyny she spews to the trans women and other trans people she's hurting, and the bills she help support. Sometimes you have to actively look at someone right in the face and then think of the discrimination they are facing due to something you like in order to remind yourself that this is real life and not just words on a screen.

When we love something or it's helped us, it's hard to sever that connection, even in extreme situations.

But that's why you have to work at it. You can't just assume you will naturally fall out of the thing you like because racism is bad. It should, but I know things can be complicated in the brain. Which is why you have to be active about it.

Eventually, when you think of Harry Potter the bigotry in it will stick out too much and it won't have the magic it had before and that's okay.

Also there are people posting alternatives, so you have new series to try and help you make the switch. Ones you can be loud and proud loving.

I see a lot of posts on here rightfully upset. But I realize most aren't fans, and most don't use it as a coping mechanism

And this post isn't coddling. It's to the people who might feel they aren't addressed in the other posts.

So this is for the people that had the book help them not kill themselves. Who kin the characters or the characters helped keep them above water. For people who are comforted by the story. Who helped them through bad things in their life.

For people who feel that if they stop interaction with the fandom and series, that they don't really know where to go and that they will feel empty and lost.

And to some this might seem ridiculous but some people need to have a post like this.

If you're this person remember that the words and the world's and the personalities and the wonder can be found somewhere else. And that this book had helped you and made you feel happy for a while, and that another series needs to take that place.

You don't have to go cold turkey and get rid of all your stuff and delete your fics and fanart

But you CAN try the other stories, get into a new series and remind yourself that moving on and switching over is the right thing to do. Eventually it'll be your new hyperfixation and your new comfort series that makes life easier

Jk rowling is a bigot in many ways and her books bare traces of that. When people see you talking or interacting with the series now, they will wonder "do they support rowling?" and I don't think that's what you want

So yeah. Just explore other series and find new stories that help you, make you feel happy and giddy and obsessed! And know that whether you feel it or not, you would be helping to make Jk irrelevant and thus making a bigot not have as much power. And I think thats good.

TERFS/RADFEMS/TRUSCUM/TRANSMEDS WILL BE BLOCKED

[givemearmstopraywith]

"what is hunger? longing. what do we long for? completion."

ascetism - the avoidance of all forms of indulgence should probably be paired with a different definition of hunger, such as "a feeling of discomfort or weakness caused by lack of food, coupled with the desire to eat." because people can find completion in many different things, and people hunger for many different things - beyond "love" and food. smokers hunger for cigarettes. lustful people long for sex. an addict feels more complete with their drug of choice than without. no need to be rude, my friend. you are not the only educated person on this website. :) god bless, have a lovely day

this response is going to come off as combative. and that's because it is. i found your tone to be extremely condescending so my combativeness is response to that but its not personal :)

did not claim to be the most educated person on this website? unsure where you got that impression. however when people say that i don't know what i'm talking about i will obviously reassure them that i do, in fact, know what im talking about

thank you for sending me the literal first definition of asceticism and hunger when you google "word + definition", copying them into this message, and then implying that you know more than me. that was clever. but yes let's use literal definitions from google un application to a highly aestheticized personal post that i didn't want to be misunderstood by the massive proana contingent on this website but good job using google i guess

interesting that you bring up drug addiction. you're fully aware that many addicts in the extreme stages of their addiction will undergo horrific physical suffering and even, in the case of extreme cases of alcohol abuse, endanger their lives if they are not able to use? so surely in such an instance indulging that hunger in order to avoid extraordinarily undue suffering is part of the practice of asceticism, since "cold turkey" detox is extremely dangerous and typically can only be undertaken with some kind of aid. the implication here is, i'm assuming, that addiction is a spiritual/moral vice that hinders the spirit and should be treated as such. which, you know, i get where you're coming from- anything that requires spiritual dependence can replace God- but i'm pretty sure God more harshly condemns lust for money or power than he does drug addicts. like i see what you're saying but i feel strongly like your focus is more trying to "correct" a post because i happened to mention something "catholic" that is actually found throughout numerous spiritual practices globally that you didn't fully think through what you were saying. but it's tumblr! so i'm not going to hold that against you, much like you really shouldn't be entering into a theological argument over a post i made in 30 seconds. unless you have that sort of time on your hands? i don't.

also, addiction- be it alcohol, drug, or sex- is a mental illness with physical side effects. is this implying that people with addictions- a mental illness- are hindered in their ability to achieve completion with God? how far does this go?

"lustful people" pack it up john calvin

hosea 6:6 tells us God desires mercy, not sacrifice. that is all we should be concerned with as christians.

we may be fraternal in christ but we are not friends :) cheers!

[youjustwaitsunshine]

Figured this was better than spamming your ask box.

Happy new year! Thank you for engaging! I'm going to have to do this in parts because I have too many thoughts and no Tumblr account.

I loved hearing your thoughts! You make very good points! My personal feeling is very similar to yours. Ultimately I think initiatives like litter picking, carbon certificates, minimizing travel, not eating meat (for environ. reasons not ethical ones) are really the initial steps a person must go through to understand their own impact on the environment. But ultimately even if every person in the world picked up litter and didn't travel, it still wouldn't have the required impact required to save the planet. Megacorporations are the main contributors to climate change, but it's been advertised to people as something they should personally change by the megacorps as a way to deflect their own responsibility.

I think some of the stuff Seb says *is* required. It helps people get more engaged and stop the self defeated attitude that many of us have, but ultimately it's not enough.

Another thing about the green party: I can't speak too much of German politics (I'm Canadian) but if the German green party is anything like the Canadian their policies are very directed to the most obvious green initiatives. For example, adding taxes on owning a car is simple and an obvious way to help climate change. But that disproportionately affects the poorer parts of the population that cannot live in metropolitan areas or near transit access to their work.

 A far better policy would be to add taxes to the richer people in our population, subsidize housing, and invest in better transit systems or bike lanes in underprivileged neighbourhoods. I don't know about Seb's reasons for moving to Switzerland, but I do assume that some part of it was taxed based (at least before, now his kids' stability is probably a huge part). In that sense, I do think Seb is focusing too much on the surface causes of climate change.

I do disagree with your point about Seb being unable to see big corp evil due to him being part of it. Only because I'm a hypocrite too lol. I also work for a big tech company that does a lot of environmental damage (ironic given that it's named after a rainforest) and I've worked here my entire young career. It's obvious to me that I'm compromising my ethics to make a living and live a comfortable life. It's also obvious to me that corporations that are this rich and this big are absolutely detrimental to society and the environment. I think Seb is smart enough to also realize the same about F1, but is simply playing the political game because he too is choosing his career in this moment.

Another aspect (that I don't have too much knowledge of) is the geopolitical aspect of climate change. E.g asking a country like Turkey or Brazil to reduce their carbon emissions to similar levels as the G10 countries on their own dime feels fair. But it really isn't if we look at it historically. Countries like Britain, US, Canada, Germany benefitted from the destruction of the environment and progressed their own societies.

The reason I get access to healthcare, clean water, and a host of other things is because these countries destroyed the environment decades ago. Asking Brazil to save the Amazon forest at the cost of their own people is really perpetuating the wealth divide. Countries like ours should really be paying developing countries to keep their natural resources since we benefitted from destroying out own and that would be truly equitable.

Ultimately, I do think Seb is doing the best he can. And I will absolutely defend him from the people who complain about him being too "woke" for an athlete. But I do hope that his views on climate change will get more nuanced as time goes on. One thing is for certain, I'm constantly learning about new stuff (like carbon capture) because of him!

~~

Thank you for your thoughts and your perspective, I'm not gonna add much except for just talking about politics quickly. The Green Party in Germany actually do talk about climate protection with the goal not to hurt low wage earners as well as about expanding public transport in their program. One of the measures of the former, conservative government actually was to gradually increase fuel prices which is now attributed to the Green Party although they weren't part of it. Their program is, although still conservative with it, actually focusing on quick actions for halting climate change and a green ecomony but how much of that is going to happen is very questionable, so I guess it's as Seb said, wait and see for the next two years for them to establish themselves and then finding a first verdict.

All in all I'm very happy for him that he found a cause and something to stand and fight for outside of f1 and I love that he's both admitting that he's only at the beginning and also showing that he wants to learn and further educate himself and that he so genuinely wants to leave the world a better place for future generations and I'm looking forward to watching him grow and learn.

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 11 "Black Friday"

"Be careful. I'd really like to kiss you again."

"I'm saving my energy for Black Friday doorbusters tomorrow morning."

"How about you do the honors?"

"Oh, the holidays. That festive time of year where everyone's decked out in their Christmas finest."

"The season of joy and love and presents begins when the clock strikes midnight."

"I thought you got all your clothing hand-delivered by A-list designers."

"Black Friday is about buying deliberately cheap, totally forgettable Christmas gifts for friends. The obvious cheapness of the gift makes them question our friendship and makes them way easier to manipulate as they try desperately to get back on my good side."

"Is this black toilet paper?"

"Amazing. A pair of mink albino boy shorts."

"I bribe the dude who deals weed off the loading dock to let me in a half hour early."

"Torturing these soulless manatees of senseless consumerism brings me so much joy. And isn't joy what the holiday season's all about?"

'At first I was like, "What a weird turkey." And then it clicked. Like... "Damn, that's a head."

"When you agree with me, it makes me question whether I actually agree with me."

"I am gonna take this opportunity to be the strong parental influence you have never had."

"You are gonna march over to that sofa right now and you're gonna sit down because you are in a time out."

"I'm sorry. Did you just put me on a time out? You do realize I'm not seven, right?"

"Well, behold how badly you've failed."

"I think it's pretty safe to assume that your career is over."

"Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to the mall to exercise our patriotic right to join hundreds of thousands of our fellow out-of-breath Americans in sweatpants as they make frenzied, ill-thought-out purchases of cheap, crappy garbage they can't afford and don't need. To deny us of that right would be un-American."

"Let's go, sluts."

"I want to know what I'm being charged with."

"You drove your pickup truck through the front window of a Best Buy."

"You killed or maimed people. Let's go."

"Sounds awful, but I'd keep that to yourself."

"You're not really helping yourself."

"Most of the uniformed cops out there are working on a volunteer basis because they get backed up inside if they don't crack a few skulls every day."

"There's a killer on the loose and you're telling us this town has no police force?"

"I don't understand why you have to get us the crappiest gifts possible and then make sure we know about it beforehand just to ruin the surprise."

"I mean, that's like bringing pineapples to Hawaii."

"So would you feel the need to waste $13,000 buying me something I already have?"

"Maybe instead of using my disgusting wealth to buy my friends crap, I should use my disgusting wealth to buy my friends things they would actually enjoy."

"The mall is deserted."

"Oh, go on and shoot me, hag. It'll just make me young and skinny forever and you'll still be old. Come on, finish me off, you shriveled, old crone!"

"First day on the job and I caught a killer."

"Wait, you have a gun?"

"Damn! Why didn't I shoot him when I had the chance?"

"How's your crossbow wound?"

"The arrow missed all major arteries, and I'm currently rolling on some sweet painkillers."

"What exactly are you proposing?"

"I've always had this vision of a band of sisters who stand together like an impenetrable community of shields who kept everyone safe and secure."

"Sometimes, instead of shields, we need swords."

"No one is going to help us."

"No one is going to stop this until we are all dead."

"Well, I'm sorry, but she is a vindictive, amoral woman who no one is gonna miss."

"I say we poison her."

"Did you ever do it in my bed?"

"So you were gay lovers?"

"No, we were not gay lovers."

"I'm an investigative journalist."

"Well, you know, I really love the idea of a bunch of guys from different backgrounds getting together and forming a brotherhood for life."

"Have you ever been to a driving range?"

"What sort of ab regimen are you rocking, bro?"

"I guess the fact that you and I cannot stand one another is finally out in the open."

"Name your weapon."

"So pick your weapon. You can choose sabres, guns, baseball bats, small pebbles, spoons, doesn't matter to me. What does matter, is that we will fight, and we will fight to the death."

"Well, I am sorry that took so long, but, you know, a watched pot never boils."

"Being a millennial feminist means growing up listening to Taylor Swift say she doesn't like to think of the world as boys versus girls."

"That's not what feminism was about."

"How come all the pictures on the wall are selfies?"

"Oh, it smells amazing."

"Where did you get puffer fish venom?"

"I want to be there when she dies."

"That's bliss!"

"Is it nutmeg?"

"I am like a soldier at war. I am killing to stop more killing. It's totally justified."

"But what about moral law?"

"Oh, that would be hard for you?"

"I don't "rage" on Tuesday nights or have competitions about how many girls I can have sex with in one day."

"What I'm trying to say is guys join fraternities to get a sense of structure in their lives. Problem is the structure

they're buying into is antiquated. It's misogynistic and hierarchical and dangerous."

"It's misogynistic and hierarchical and dangerous."

"I don't think I'm in the right headspace right now."

"You're a rare breed, one of the true good guys."

"That's the weirdest explanation for anything I've ever heard."

"We need to think of new ways to kill her!"

"I'm really gonna cherish our time here together."

"Killing is wrong, but, under this circumstance, I don't know what other choice we have."

"Hold on, sluts."

"When I was your age, I was thoughtless about sex."

"If you don't think you're ready, you probably aren't. And if you aren't, well, then no good can come from doing it, anyway."

"The main thing is you have to be perfectly dry. The cryosauna is set to 200 degrees below zero, so any water on your skin freeze instantly."

"How come there hasn't been any screaming?"

"No, we need to get away while we still can."

"Hey, hey, it's enough. The point has been made."

"Why do you want to continue taking this any further?"

"Yes, I feel guilty!"

"Don't you ever call me again."

"I heard about these Buddhist Monks that found a way to meditate, so they can sit outside all night, way, way up in the Himalayas in weather that would kill a normal person, but their core temperature stays totally normal."

"You're thinking of the movie Teen Wolf, you brainless gash, which is not, in fact, a documentary!"

"Uh, Rasputin. He was a mystical Russian peasant who became a close advisor of Tsar Nicholas II because he could magically cure Prince Alexei of his hemophilia."

"Okay, this seems totally not germane to what we're talking about, so can we please just skip ahead?"

"Maybe she has some magical powers that make her unable to die, like some horror movie villain, like Michael Myers, or Jason, or Dr. Giggles."

"So, maybe try on a size zero."

"Okay, I'm not gonna try on the size zero because I won't fit into the size zero."

"This is discrimination!"

"Look at her. Give her something. Give her something to be happy!"

"Come on, what is wrong with these idiots?!"

"Why did you ask me to meet you here? And why are you carrying a bag clearly filled with chains?"

"I thought we could talk about bondage and go for a swim."

"You're all packed up. I thought you were staying until you cracked the case."

"I was just gonna go to the woods and write or something,

like Thoreau, but with WiFi."

"I mean, maybe I could come with you. Might be kind of romantic, you know?"

"I could bring a slow cooker, and we could talk about the case all night over short ribs?"

"Well, I do love short ribs."

"I'll always be able to say that my first was with a great, great, great guy."

"I am a sentient grown woman who has been through

hell the past few weeks, and I'm sitting next to you, now, with open eyes and an open heart, telling you that I want to give myself to you."

[alj4890]

Delicate

(Ethan Ramsey x Olivia Nevarkis) (Olivia Nevarkis x Drake Walker) in a Choices The Royal Romance/Open Heart Crackship Series

A/N Picking up directly after Drake's visit and fallout. This will lead into the Christmas season, with Ethan inviting Olivia to spend the holidays with him and his father.

@jooous ​ ​ @krsnlove ​ @nomadics-stuff ​   @twinkleallnight ​ @motorcitymademadame ​

Masterlist

Part 5

Ethan knew something was wrong. Even without his highly attuned ability to detect the slightest tics and movements people made when dealing with pain, he still would have known that Olivia was upset.

What bothered him was that she felt the need to keep it hidden.

He thought they were well past the stage of not being completely honest. It had been one of the most difficult yet rewarding part of their ever developing relationship. It was terrifying and freeing to be able to tell her anything.

Ethan knew he needed her. He had made it a point to never allow himself to need anyone. He once believed that it was a weakness, something that any sane person should be able to do without. One should be able to stand and face whatever life threw at them without having someone there to help you through it.

Or so he thought until Naveen nearly died.

Then seeing Bryce's reaction when Casey was poisoned.

Those two situations had opened his eyes and made him come to some uncomfortable conclusions about himself.

He was human. And what did all humans share? The ability and need to love...to have someone all their own to be there during life's brightest and darkest moments.

As he finished prepping the turkey breast for tomorrow's dinner, his eyes drifted over to the one he believed was his someone.

He hoped that he had become Olivia's.

"How was your day?"

Olivia shrugged. "Fine for the most part."

Ethan washed his hands then reached for a bottle of wine. Setting two glasses out, he filled them while studying her.

Olivia muttered her thanks when he handed hers to her. She absentmindedly swirled her wine while a slight frown formed.

Ethan reached out and caressed her cheek. When her eyes met his, he allowed her to see his concern.

"Drake came to my apartment earlier." She blurted out.

"He did?" Ethan gestured for them to move into his living room. After settling comfortably on his sofa, he patiently waited for her to continue.

"Yes." She bit out. "He supposedly came on his way to his family's ranch to show me pictures of the progress on the hospital. Her frown eased at that memory. "I can't wait until you see it. It is turning out just like we hoped."

A hint of a smile formed on his lips over this shared dream of theirs coming about. "I can't wait either."

Hearing Ethan say that caused the gnawing worry to grow even more. Was it the beginning of the end for them? Drake's parting words kept repeating over and over her mind. Somehow they seemed more prophetic than insulting the longer she dwelled on them.

"You really think this Ramsey is what you need?" Drake taunted. "One day you'll leave here and he will see the real you in Cordonia. This Boston bubble you're living under is going to pop. What will he do when he sees you as a duchess, mingling amongst the court?"

"You think he'll adore you then? Just wait until he hears all the tales of your years of temper tantrums and cruelty."

"Liv?" Ethan pulled her into his arms. "What happened?"

She didn't want to tell him. She hated this fear Drake had caused in the one area she had come to love. The simple happiness she had found in Boston was now tainted with doubt. He had made her once again hate herself.

Was her act of redemption going to never end? Was she to pay for every word and action she had done for the rest of her life?

Does nothing I do matter?

She closed her eyes tight when Ethan brushed a tender kiss to her furrowed forehead.

I don't deserve someone like him.

His hand rubbed her back in soothing circles while he waited.

Olivia felt tears prick her eyes. He was the only person she had ever known to give her physical comfort. The way he held her as if she was precious to him without trying to turn it into something sexual made her want cry.

She couldn't lose this. Lose him.

But she also couldn't deceive him.

"Ethan," her voice trembled making her hate herself even more for needing him, "You know about my past with Drake."

She felt him tense yet he continued to try and soothe her.

"I do."

She looked up at him and saw his own face etched in worry.

"He...we got into an argument about that and..." It was too hard. She couldn't stand the thought of destroying the way Ethan looked at her. The way he cared for her...

"Olivia," he tried not to let his fear take over of losing her to her former lover, "are you trying to tell me that you..." He couldn't get the words out. He couldn't stand the thought of going back to how his life was before she became a central part of it.

His mind stuttered at that. Medicine had once been his central part. Everything in his adult life had revolved around it. And while it still was a big part of who he was, Olivia had somehow created a niche all her own in that center. Somewhat entwined in it, yet on a personal level, he found that every decision he had made from the moment they met were made about her. From choosing a restaurant she might like to moving to her country to work at her proposed hospital, she had become his life.

Had Drake unknowingly destroyed his life in one brief visit?

"That I what?" She asked.

His blue eyes held her green. "That you want to get back together with Drake?"

Her eyes widened. "Good Lord, no." Her nose wrinkled. "That is the last thing I want."

She felt his arms relax as they cuddled her closer. His forehead dropped against hers as he dealt with the heady relief that her admittance brought.

Realizing he had been scared she was ending things caused a need to reassure him. Her lips met his in a tender kiss. She could feel the deep longing he had for her in his response. He still held her gently as their kiss came to an end.

"What did he say?" Ethan asked.

"He was angry that I don't see the need to keep discussing why our barely a relationship had to end." She bit her lip. "Then he brought up you."

Ethan arched an eyebrow. He had not been around the man enough to form an unbiased opinion. He knew the flare of jealousy was from what he assumed was going to be an attack on his own character in the hopes of stealing Olivia from him.

"What about me?" He didn't bother to hide the annoyance tempering his tone.

"How you'll be when you see me in Cordonia." Olivia averted her eyes. "And how what we have here will be completely destroyed."

His eyes narrowed at such a choice of words. "Why would it be destroyed?"

"Ethan, you," she lowered her head into her hands for a moment. Taking a deep breath, she forced the words out. "You know some of my past already. You've witnessed my temper. But I...I used to be cruel. I've changed these last few years, and it has helped heal relationships I have with some members of the court." She looked up at him to see how he was reacting. "But Drake believes once you hear their stories and see me as the prideful duchess that you will not want to be with me."

"First off," Ethan snapped, "he doesn't know a damn thing about me or how I feel about you. From what I know of you, you deserve to walk into every ballroom with your head held high." He snorted in irritation. "They should be begging for your attention."

Olivia briefly smiled at that. Only he could turn one of her faults into a compliment.

"Secondly, I haven't been known to be the kindest doctor to work with."

"Your patients would disagree."

He huffed. "That's because I work to help them." He pulled her closer within his arms. "Jerk might be the nicest word interns and other medical staff have referred to me." Ethan pressed another kiss to the top of her head. "And my quick temper might give yours a run for its money ." He grinned when he heard her muffled laugh. "And I've never been known for being a forgiving man."

She wrapped her arms around him as she settled her head in the crook of his neck and shoulder. "If anyone tells you about me, then--"

"I know who you are, Olivia." Ethan stressed. "I will never hold your past up as a standard to measure your actions by."

Silent tears slipped down her cheeks.

"Thank you." She whispered.

"Don't thank me." He grumbled. "And don't believe what Drake said." He grimaced as a thought struck. "Though I can imagine why he acted like he did."

She swiped at her stray tears. "You can?"

He nodded before resting his cheek against her head. "Who knows how I would react if this was reversed? I might have lashed out at you in frustration if you refused to give me a second chance."

She lifted her head to see his face.

He met her gaze and softly smiled again. "Especially since I am in love with you."

"You--" her lips parted in surprise, "You are in love with me?

"I am."

Olivia knew in that moment what was truly in her heart. All the questions she had asked herself that morning finally had an answer. And all because Ethan had done the one thing that no man had ever done before.

He did not judge her for her past, her name, anything. He accepted her, faults and all, and loved her for every single part.

"I love you too." She smiled against his lips. "I have never loved anyone like I do you."

Their kiss held a new edge to the usual passion. Having expressed their feelings, the need to show just how much they loved one another took over.

While clothes were beginning to be hastily tossed around the living room, Olivia's phone vibrated softly in her purse.

***************

Hearing the beep, Drake cleared his throat. "I know I am probably the last person you want to talk to but I need to say I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of what I said. I wish..."

He took a deep breath. "I wish you would give me a second chance to show you that I do care the way you wanted me to. I know you're with Ramsey now, but I want to try what you asked me all those months ago. I want to be with you, out in the open."

He lifted his eyes to the ceiling of his hotel room in Kentucky. "I won't keep bothering you. I'll give you time to think it over and wait until the New Year's Eve Ball to hear your answer." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Hana said you told her you'd be back by then. I hope I didn't...didn't ruin what chance I could have."

Pausing once more, he dropped his head in his hand.

"Take care, Libby." He said softly before ending the call.

******************

That night, Oliva felt once more at peace. In the darkness of Ethan's bedroom, she smiled at how he was spooned around her. His slow deep breaths of sleep lulled her even more into the addictive security his presence gave her.

She kept replaying his words of love in her mind. In many ways it surprised her, and yet deep down she thought she must have already known. Every action, every kind word, every kiss had revealed that he had given her his heart. And she in turn had given him hers without even realizing it.

As hard as it was to find some type of silver lining to Drake's hurtful words, she supposed she should be grateful for them. Her sharing it had possibly prompted Ethan to tell her how he felt about her.

She yawned while snuggling back against her doctor. His arms pulled her even closer as he slept.

She felt both exhausted and wired. The day had been filled with one extreme emotion after another. And yet, the words both men had said kept her awake.

Olivia didn't know if she had it in her to forgive Drake. To have someone that you actually trust bring up the worst pieces of yourself as a threat to ruin the one good thing you have...how could he do that to her? She had been hurt when he didn't return her feelings, but this fight today had damaged them to the point that she wasn't sure if she even wanted him as a friend.

I would never say something like that to him if he managed to find happiness with someone else, she thought to herself.

Ethan had been much more understanding of Drake's actions than she could ever be.

She knew it wasn't necessarily a good thing that she never gave people second chances. Why would she after all the betrayals she had suffered in life? She barely needed both hands to count the number of people she had over the years that had never betrayed her.

Had Drake entered into the category she kept for her parents, Lucretia, Constantine, and numerous nobles at court?"

I don't know, she thought. I don't know how I feel over what he did.

She thought about his voicemail. It didn't matter how sincere Drake sounded or that he now wanted to try. His apology seemed hollow. Perhaps it was because he truly didn't know her now. These months in Boston had changed her, possibly even more than she realized.

She wasn't the same proud duchess that had once sworn vengeance to anyone who opposed her. She had learned the difficult art of give and take. She made herself listen and think through everything before losing her temper or forming a hard decision. It had been an ongoing battle, but she felt that she had a somewhat better control than she once had. Today's fight with Drake had proved that she wasn't the same quick tempered, plan to skewer a person on the edge of her dagger she had once been. She had stepped out of her comfort zone and lived for the most part as a normal person, proving to herself that she truly could survive on her own in any situation.

This venture had shown her that she was more than what her ancestors had stressed a Nevarkis should be. The people in Cordonia would most likely still see her as her old self, but she knew and it seemed that Ethan did also who she truly was. Her strength, her refusal to back down from a fight, her very heart had been used for good.

Drake didn't see it. He never saw the potential she had to do something meaningful and right. Maybe it was because she hadn't allowed him to do so. Maybe they really never had a chance to see the best in one another.

Could we have found a way to happiness if we had not spent years torturing each other with our spiteful words?

Deciding that that was a thought that would probably never be answered, she closed her eyes and eventually drifted off to sleep.

********************

Weeks went by too quickly for some and not nearly fast enough for others. Edenbrook had closed its doors leaving many with bittersweet emotions. Ethan, Naveen, and Olivia had spent what free time they had packing and shipping their personal belongings to Cordonia. Decisions were made for the two doctors to stay with her in Lythikos while they searched for homes of their own.

While rushing about, Amanda and Thomas came to help a week before Christmas.

On their second night together, the ladies sent Ethan and Thomas to get dinner, giving them a moment to talk alone.

"Did you come for me or for the snow?" Olivia teased when Amanda insisted the two of them take a break from packing and go for a walk.

"Since you have always had the best snow," Amanda replied with a twinkle of mischief, "I always come for you."

She laughed when Olivia snorted.

"Are you excited?" She prodded as their boots crunched in the snow.

"About finally seeing the new hospital?" Olivia linked her arm through Amanda's when they entered a nearby park. "Of course."

"I am too." Amanda took a deep breath and cut her eyes toward her friend. "And I am very excited to see you and a certain doctor together at the New Year Eve's ball."

Olivia didn't bother to mask how happy she was. "I have something to tell you."

"Oh?"

"Ethan, he...on Thanksgiving, he admitted he is in love with me."

"About time." Amanda grumbled playfully. "Each time I visit, I see just how much he does love you."

Olivia stopped their progress through a path of lighted trees. "You knew all this time? Why didn't you tell me?"

Amanda's laughter at the death glint in Olivia's eyes echoed across the park. "Because you would have dismissed it like you always have whenever I brought up heartfelt emotions."

She placed a hand on her hip and somehow did a convincing impression of Olivia. "Please. No man can truly capture a Nevarkis heart, much less make me willing to be his," Amanda managed to twist her lips in disgust like Olivia's as she flicked her hand in a very recognizable gesture, "love slave."

Olivia rolled her eyes while struggling with her laughter. "I don't sound like that."

"Not now that you're in looovvve." Amanda responded playfully.

"Why do I share things with you?" Olivia muttered.

"Because you love me." Amanda wrapped her arm around her. "Not as much as you love Ethan, but I can live with that."

Olivia snorted again as she tried to brush it off. As hard as she tried, a soft smile formed on her lips. "You're right."

"I am happy you both know how you feel about one another." Amanda's teasing turned serious. "It would have driven you crazy with trying to guess."

"I suppose it would have irritated me." Olivia admitted. 

“I know it would have driven me insane watching you both tiptoe around the issue.” Amanda grumbled.

“It surprised me.” Olivia admitted. 

“It did? Why?”

“I--I suppose I didn’t expect it to happen.” She felt embarrassed just saying it. “I don’t think I ever thought I would meet someone to feel like that... I never thought of any of it happening to me.”

Amanda's heart ached at realizing just how damaged Olivia still was over her parents. Nothing hurt her more than seeing her friend still believe that she was unworthy of love. To be this surprised over a man falling in love with her proved how much she doubted herself. Perhaps it was why Olivia continuously pushed herself to serve Cordonia in any way possible. It might be why she never backed away from danger.

Compliments and recognition had been the closest she had to receiving love in her life

Amanda felt herself adoring Ethan even more for showing Olivia that she herself was loveable. She wasn't the prickly cactus that she had given Liam at his coronation. She had a tender heart, one that any person would be lucky to earn.

"I love him." Olivia broke into Amanda's musings. "It's different from what I once felt for Liam."

Amanda squeezed her in a side hug. "One sided love usually is different. Having someone give their heart to you and work in the hopes of you giving them theirs, I can't think of a greater gift than that."

Olivia nodded. "Ethan does that. I thought that maybe after we admitted our feelings that he would slack off trying to," her brow furrowed at trying to find the words.

"Sweep you off your feet?"

"Yes." Olivia's nose wrinkled out of habit over something so sappy. "He now seems to work even harder to not only keep my love but to make me love him even more."

"Good." Amanda linked her arm through hers again. "He better or he will have me to deal with."

Olivia burst into laughter. "And what will you do if he doesn't?"

Amanda's smile grew. "Don't worry. I've been trained by the best on how to torture a man." She winked at her friend. "You always did give the most interesting lessons."

*****************

Christmas was approaching and with it, Ethan invited Olivia to drive to Providence to spend Christmas with him and his father.

She was both excited and extremely nervous to meet his one family member he had a relationship with.

She was completely out of her depth in this situation. She had never had a man invite her to, "meet the parents,". She knew though how big this was for Ethan to include her in his family's Christmas tradition.

He seemed so happy, so proud, to introduce her to his father.

The drive over had been filled with his sharing some of his childhood memories. Her hand had remained in his as she watched the play of emotions on his face. He was opening up to her again, showing how much he trusted her with these bits of himself.

The modest, in need of a new coat of paint home had surprised her. She didn't know why she expected Ethan to have had a childhood a tad more luxurious than this. He seemed so cultured at times, that it impressed her even more that he had learned all of it on his own.

Ethan's father, Alan, had come outside to welcome her while helping with their luggage.

The genuine delight in the elder's face at meeting the woman his son had brought home made her feel slightly giddy. He teased Ethan with saying he had not done nearly enough in describing how pretty she was.

"I did." Ethan teased back. "You just didn't pay attention."

The three shared a meal with Olivia watching in fascination at their closeness. So many of her friends either had parents dead or were not close to them at all. This was something entirely new.

Alan had charmed her into sharing a little about herself. His understanding smile and deep laugh had made her relax. After dinner he pulled her away from the table while ordering Ethan to do the dishes.

"You're taking her to the mantle aren't you?" Ethan grumbled while fighting a smile.

"Don't worry what we're doing." Alan reciprocated. "Just make sure to soak that pan before putting it in the dishwasher."

Olivia allowed herself to be ushered into the small den. A Christmas tree stood with slightly old ornaments next to a warm crackling fire. Her gaze lifted to the different sized picture frames on the mantle.

Picking up one that seemed to be the oldest, Alan handed it to her. "This was a few weeks after Ethan was born."

Olivia's lips curved at seeing what looked like any other baby. She studied each picture he handed her, giving her glimpses into Ethan's life. Her smile grew at a photo of a ten year old Ethan smiling while puppies crawled all over him.

She then noticed the woman in the background.

"That's his mom." Alan's joy seemed to dim some. "She had been the one to decide we go to a nearby farm to let Ethan choose a puppy for his birthday."

Olivia studied the image of the woman who had so easily left her husband and son.

How could she do that to him?

The sound of Ethan returning caused Alan to quickly switch the picture for another one.

"Here he is with his first car."

"Dad." Ethan grumbled good naturedly. "I'm sure Olivia doesn't want to go down through every mundane event in my life."

"I do." Olivia blurted out. Heat flooded her cheeks. "I like seeing your childhood."

Alan beamed at her. "Here's one of my favorites. He was around five years old and had opened a clinic for stuffed animals."

"Did he?" Olivia cocked an eyebrow at Ethan.

"I'll have you know that I save many from losing their limbs." Ethan smiled at her laughter. "I had to since most of the injuries my toys suffered were from my rigorous playing."

The three sat down and began to talk about Ethan moving to Cordonia.

"You will have to visit." Olivia insisted. "You will always be welcome in Lythikos."

"I plan to." Alan stood and stretched. "I think I'll leave you two to get some sleep." He patted Ethan's shoulder then squeezed Olivia's hand. "I'm so happy you're both here."

Ethan settled his arm again around Olivia once they were left alone in companionship silence.

"Your father is very kind."

He chuckled. "Yes, I know. Nothing like me."

She smirked at him. "Don't sell yourself short. You have your moments."

"I do, huh?"

"I think so." She snuggled closer within his arms.

Smiling to himself, Ethan reached into his pocket.

"Olivia?"

"Hmm?"

He held a box out to her.

She sat up with a start when her eyes fell upon the little velvet box.

"I think you know what I'm about to ask." Ethan said softly as he opened it for her.

Carefully lifting the diamond ring that sparkled in the firelight, he paused right at the tip of her finger.

"You know how much I love you." His vulnerability was once more on display. "You make my life better than I thought possible. I need you, your passion, your heart." He glanced down at her hand trembling in his grasp. “I can’t imagine a life without you by my side.”

His bright blue eyes lifted once more to her green ones shimmering with unshed tears.

"Olivia, will you marry me?"

[moistmailman]

House Wife AU

Cinder, looking at blueprints on a table: Okay, does everyone understand their roles for this heist? Does anyone have any questions?

Roman, raising his hand: I got one.

Cinder, sighing: Does it have to do with the heist set up at all?

Roman: Nope. Not at all. Why does your house look so.....warm and friendly?

Cinder: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Roman, shrugging: I don't know. I just expected something...... different.

Cinder: What the hell were you expecting?

Roman: I assumed your house would be creepy and scary. Somewhere that someone would send their enemies. I mean, everything is organized! Seeing this house was like a left hook to my expectations.

Cinder: Oh fuck off!

Mercury: I agree with him. I at least expected some chains on the walls or at least some cobwebs. This was nothing I was expecting. For god sake, there’s a coaster right there on the table.

Cinder, growling: Does anyone else have any other questions?

*Everyone raises their hands*

Cinder, deep growling: That doesn't have to do with my house.

Everyone:.........*Slowly lowers their hands*

Cinder, slamming her hand on the table: We are about to commit a god damn heist and you guys are more interested in this fucking house!?

Everybody:...........

Cinder:..............

Emerald:....Well.....the house is surprising. Nothing I was expecting either.

Cinder: WILL YOU JUST SHU-

???, from the other room: Hey guys, are you hungry?

Everyone, raising an eyebrow:........

Cinder, sighing: God damn it.

Roman: Uh.....whose coming in?

Cinder: None of your bussin-

*Suddenly a friendly redheaded woman with green eyes walk into the room, while holding a child*

Roman, mumbling: Who the hell is this?

Pyrrha, smiling: Hey honey, are any of your friends hungry? I'm making some sandwiches for the kids. Would anyone want one?

Cinder, sighing: Babe, what did I tell you about walking in while Im in the middle of a set up?

Pyrrha: Oh my gosh. You're setting up for a heist? I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

Cinder: Its alright. It's my fault. I should've told you.

Pyrrha: Well if any of your friends get hungry then just send them to the kitchen. I'm making sandwiches.

Cinder: Will do, sweetheart. Love you.

Pyrrha: Love you too. *Cooing to the child* Say bye bye to mommy.

The child, cutely: Bye bye.

Cinder, genuinely smiling: Bye bye to you too.

*Pyrrha leaves*

Cinder: Okay, does anyone have any questions?

Roman, raising his hand: Uh..Yeah, I got a few. For starters, who the hell was that woman?

Cinder: My wife.

Roman: Okay, that leads to my second question. You’re FUCKING MARRIED!?

Cinder: Yeah. I am. What about it?

Roman: WHAT!?

Cinder: Why the hell are so surprised!?

Roman: Because you’re Cinder! You hate people!

Cinder: I HATE MOST PEOPLE, NOT ALL OF THEM! AND YOURE SLOWLY CLIMBING UP TO MY SHIT LIST IF YOU KEEP TALKING!

Roman: All I’m saying is that I wasn’t expecting for you to be married. That’s all.

Cinder: Okay, does anyone have any other questions!?

Mercury: I do. Are you blackmailing that woman to be your wife?

Cinder: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! I MEANT FOR THE HEIST!

Mercury: Okay we are all thinking it though! She is way too nice and sweet looking to be married to you! So I think my question is quite valid. Right guys?

*Everyone nods*

Cinder, about to pop a blood vessel: SHE MARRIED ME ON HER OWN FREE WILL, YOU PIECES OF SHITS! WE LITERALLY HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER! NOW DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE FUCKING HEIST!?

Everyone:...........

Cinder: Good. Now let's move o- wait a minute. Roman, where is your gremlin at!?

Roman: Neo? She left as soon as she heard about sandwiches. I think she was hungry. Your wife is probably feeding her.

Cinder: AND YOU DIDNT STOP HER!?

Roman: I honestly can't control that pint size girl. I don't think anyone can.

Cinder: WE ARE SETTING UP FOR A HEIST AND NEO IS MORE INTERESTED IN SANDWICHES!?

Roman:.......Well..... obviously she is. She's not here right now.

Cinder, sighing:......is anyone else hungry? Cause apparently we're having a lunch break right now? Anyone else want food?

Everyone:........*Raise their hands*

Cinder, groaning: That was a god damn rhetorical ques- *takes a deep breath*.....okay, let's all just go and eat some of my wife's sandwiches then.

Mercury: Do you guys got an turkey meat?

Cinder: *Glares deeply*

Mercury, shivering: A-actually, I can just eat whatever. N-no reason to be picky.

[dyker-farmer]

More bro fic.... angst fodder kind content.

Take that can away if you can

I never see Shane works that don't go all in for romance nor explore the more realistic ugly parts of recovery, and I kind of crave That TM. So let me have at it too with the self-insert whump mumbo jumbo; no romo version.

Set post-8 hearts event- not 10, jesus-, Farmer Uidelsib is two years or so in, full house built and married to Emily. They/them pronouns, same as me.

Diverges from then on, Shane-centric from an outside POV for the most part.

I also put it on Ao3.

[[MORE]]

A bitch bastard man and a bitch walk into a room... Chapter 1/2/3/4

"I think we should talk about this."

If the room was stifled before, this just causes the pin to drop, and the relative lull to shatter with it. I don't want a storm, but we can't pretend the sea's a slightly oversized pond if we want him not drowning in it- again, my mind supplies, unhelpful.

He's zoning out again, blurry eyes pointedly off me, preferring the turned-off TV.

Let's start easy. "Why did you come here, Shane?"

"I-I-" It sounds like an excuse building up and it bubbles out like a shaken can, "I don't- I shouldn't have-" he goes to up and leave, and we just can't have that.

I scrape my chair closer and grab his shoulder, same as before. Hopefully it's more placating than caging. "No, you should have. You did good. Seeking out, remember?"

He doesn't answer but stills.

"Like Dr.Campbell and Harvey said." I try again.

"Yeah… Yeah." Deep breathing. "I. Don't know." He searches for my face, not quite past the nose. I nod, ushering him on. "It's. Stupid." I frown and my eyebrow goes higher than before and he immediately doubles down. "I know- positiv' reinforchment and all that shit! But… It's hard." A tired hand wipes the most of moisture off his face, before it goes back to wriggle with the other on his lap. "It's so fuckin' hard. Didn't even last two seasons!-"

I cut him off. "Two seasons is a lot! One and a half too. Last time, you'd tried to go cold turkey on the spot. We know what that got us." Sea foam in the mouth and a shared cold in the early spring, on top of a Joja lawsuit. "Shit's hard, like you said. You lasted one and a half this time. Next time-"

"Why the fuck do you always think there's gonna be a next time."

This time, I still. My laidback demeanor mirror his, but so does the cold anger creeping in and tensing both our backs.

"Because. There is going to be a next time. And another after that. And another. Same way there's been next times before this one now."

What's left unsaid we don't touch.

All irritation floods from him like it's just pointless to keep it in anymore, and his forehead goes to thunk softly against the wooden surface he leaned on before. The table muffles his next words a little.

"I can't… keep doing that." I don't peep. "I can't keep rolling back down and then up and down, and up, and down. I- I just can't, Garcia- Uidel-"

"I'll drag you there." I shrug.

"But you shouldn't have to!" His voice raises and make the boards vibrate where his skin's still pressed. "You shouldn't have to-to fuckin'-" he sniffles, the following words drowned out in held-back sobs. "Fuck damn it, you- I said I- I wouldn't be a burden anymore!"

He's crying out loud now, open sorrow and no walls left. Out of all the things you could stick on the not-so amiable man sulking straight from bed to Jojamart to Stardrop Saloon to bed, you probably wouldn't think of "extreme scare of bothering anyone". Yet it's all here in how he collapses silently in the mattress, wake without a sound, keep his head down the whole time he crosses town, tries to merge himself in the fake-nice blue of the shelves at work, then corners himself right between the chimney and the bar on Emily's side, stuck in-between two sources of warmth that can never touch him unless he swings one way or the other. And he doesn't a lot, still keeping to himself strictly. You probably wouldn't think either of how dreamy he gets, hidden in his alcove but seeing everything from there.

When Harvey nerds out about classical, jazz and electro swing music down the bar to me, trying to catch me up on my fuzzy memories of arts history and the implications of breaking codes in the tempo and the leisure of each instruments; of how each note gets a specific response from the brain if done right, and can make up for caffeine deprivation in miraculous ways, when there are no more chances to push back the dread of midterms season at doctor school.

When Elliott, boisterous and drunk, arm-on-arm with an equally inebriated Leah, calls out to the whole place to hear out his latest soliloquy, and drags on the words too much, but with a voice that carries it well, all flamboyance and no limits, as his hair floats around him in a crown and he reigns over the room like a kind lion- Description all intoxicated words from your chicken man truly, not mine. I always get too caught up in the pendulum of Leah's braid and her crooked smile to quite appreciate his theatrics. But the recital rings clear, and everyone applauds the performance- because hey, you applaud a drunk guy showing off the prowess of not tripping a single word in a ten minutes tirade, but also because it really is that good! Everyone, even Shane, whose hands zipped to under his armpits the moment our eyes crossed and I met his pink cheeks with a clairvoyant smile.

Hey, what can I say. Dude's a sapiosexual. Hence why we'll never and cannot bang. That, and, uh, the being lesbian thing.

But all this is closed off and not for anyone to see behind see-through fogged windows, like those kitchen cabinets, when you can make out the piled plates all resting against the cold surface precariously, bound to crash and shatter the moment you open them.

It took a good wrecking ball of a fake-oblivious polite faced stranger and my incessant, hot pepper poppers-powered pestering, to even just crackles the glass.

The rest was all done out of his own volition. He can't see that because alcohol is a depressant, and guzzling it down leads to blurry concepts made softer always and pretty much lush in brain, and when he's off the thing, and that's rare, he instantly goes from not there to thinking he's everywhere, soiling everything and giving nothing.

His sobbing doesn't relent, and he whimpers issues of "trustworthy sack of shit", "not being worth the fucking shrink's money", "not being worth his aunt's troubles", "not being worth Jas". At some point he goes to grapple with his hair, and tugs brusquely once, then twice, then I have to reach for his wrist to make him stop, which he snatches back as soon as I make contact. But he doesn't grab anything to pull or pinch or punch again, so that's good. I stay on standby beside him, but don't touch him. He rasps more condemnations, struggles to breathe enough through the phlegm spreading in his respiratory system, and I start reenacting the steps to stop a hyperventilation in my head, and the first aid for choking, when he begins to cough violently, his entire frame upset with the movement.

He takes the tissue box i nudge with insistence toward him, and ends up spitting mouthfuls of mucus mixed with some bile in the basin under his feet. Most of it is clear and smells of fruits, not beer, so I'm not too worried. When I go to stabilize him by taking his shoulders, he grasps at my wrists to stop me- but let them stay here, while he clings. The tremors get to me now, and I remind myself that this is good, this is before the cliffs and him finding refuge to burst open, not glassily stare at the weeping clouds as he blabbers on the meaninglessness of his life.

This is… very alive.

I ought to be glad.

I let him come down at his rhythm, counting the pulses of his wrists as I feel mine numb with the blood circulation slowed down under his hold.

When he's back with a mind, I count to three, then let go. His arms flop back down, on his lap and hands dangling between his tighs. He blows his nose again.

"I'm so pathetic…"

"Yeah sure, and I'm a serial prom queen."

Instead of jabbing back and forth, we get interrupted by a soft mewling. Both of us turn to the door, that's opened slightly to let in Eryza, the pitter-patter of her paws on the stone flooring the only sound for a moment…

As we both stare in revulsion at her jaw, a single line of vomit dripping of it.

Shane puts his head down in shame, not even having the strenght to hide further.

"Sorry."

"Nah, 's okay. She's already trash, anyway."

Eryza edges closer and rapidly tour around our legs- going back to Shane's feet twice, her whiskers tickling his exposed ankles. Purring loudly, she completely ignore my chastizing as I threaten to make her diet periwinkle-based to counter-act her literal potty mouth, and she scampers to do who-knows-what in the rooms.

"Your vibes are rancid, do you hear me?? Rancid, girl!" I call after her. "I swear to Yoba, Shane, your aunt might as well have brought me a raccoon."

Turning back to him, I can see the short-lived humor of the situation was, well, short-lived. I sigh.

It's late. We're both tired. Tomorrow is sunday. It's cool. We've got time.

I don't sit back down right away. First, I put a hand down on the nape of his neck, that slides to the top of his scalp, right where he'd tug. My quota, remember?

He sniffles some, a few teardrops make their way to the planks, unheard. We stay like this for a moment.

He doesn't shake me off, but in the slow tandem his body takes, rocking lightly from back to forth, I can tell it's enough, for now.

I sit back down on my chair.

I lean on the hand I'd put in his dark purple strands before, smelling cedar wood and pine trees. I don't assume. My farm has plenty of those to stumble through. And even if he went back to the cliff, another time again. I do that too. With my own cliffs back at not-home, but close. There's a sense, in staring down what couldn't take you.

Like visiting a scene crime that you've narrowly escaped from. And pride too. And the thrill of asking- "what if again? What if this time?"- and okay, I can see why it'd be worrying to have him go there a thrice time on his own late in the evening.

But last time was fine, the one before was made fine, and he might need a bitch for a friend right now, but not a watchdog.

His forehead is back against the table.

Three fingers massage my temple. I don't know how much he'll even remember tomorrow, but it's worth the try, always.

"Shane, dude, look at me." He doesn't.

"Dude."

Still doesn't budge. I knock the wood lightly.

"Yo, punk, my eyes are up here." I joke.

He snorts, or maybe he sniffles, and his chin's now resting on the table, peering through the forgotten drinks to watch me. His hands are hidden, probably still clutching his midsection. If I went on a rollercoaster toasted, I'd probably look the exact same.

"I told you before that you literally couldn't be a burden."

He snorts for sure this time, derisive. I knock wood again. "Don't look away from me when I talk, young man. Rude ass punk."

"Bitch." He throws.

"Bitch bastard man." I send back. "Anyways, as I was saying. If I choose you're my dumb of ass to keep around, that's me, that's my decision. You can't burden me if I choose the hard mode package and roll with it. So stop it. I literally told you before, it's not about you not making efforts or burdening people, it's about people who want to deal with you, out of free will."

"Freaky."

"Oh shut up, you dramatic himbo wannabe."

"A what now?"

"Internet slang. Gotta admit you're closer to a dad bod type, but the energy's here, according to many."

He shuffles, self-conscious. "Y'don't need to remind me…"

"Oh hush you, you're perfectly fine. And Elliott would eat his dumb little lobster and pomegranate toasts off that belly if you'd grow out of your own shell and let him."

He sputters unintelligibly, red as a fecking pepper. Good. Flustered is better than self-depreciating.

But now he's pulled on his hood and the strings all the way out, and resumes to chanting me to fuck off, so that might be a good call for a break.

"I'm gonna change and clean up, you need anything? Do you think you'll go back to the ranch, or stay here for the night?" It's happened before, but you can count them on the fingers of one hand.

A long silence follows and I allow myself a quick look in the mirror. Yeah, we're skipping a shower tonight, but the simple hairbrush will not do. I look like a bird's nest that the birds fought in to know who'd keep the children when bird 2 takes off and bird 1 is left to mourn the empty space that'll never fill up the same again and the good times that won't be- wow, trauma lane much, not now, cowpal. First we buckle up our current rodeo. I walk back to the main room, now pajama-clad.

"I've got the beds for the possible kids up there, don't ask me why Robin put so many there, we're two people in a house, and I can lend you a Tee if you want."

He's anxious, chewing his thumb. "Emily won't mind?"

"She's out, sleeping at Haley's tonight. Girls' night and sisters catching up. It's important for her energy flow and karmic balance. Plus, you know she wouldn't mind, she likes you."

That makes him blush more, covering up the alcohol damage enough. I take note, but don't comment. Things for later. They pile up tonight.

"I- I can't go back to the ranch like this."

"You could. Marnie knows better than act as if you're doing this for fun, now. She'd have to understand. But you don't have to." I reassure him when agitated pupils jump up to me. Let's keep that ongoing panic attack at bay. "Either way, I won't mind."

I sit back. Stretch my arms between us. Catch his worrying hands into mine. Give him a squeeze. Tense appendages don't squeeze back, but don't pull back either. That's half a win. He stops torturing the poor things, and unfold with visible effort, like a crumpled up paper flower put on water. His head shakes, and I can't tell if it's conscious, him speaking with himself or trying to shake off a thought, or just a reflex. He visibly forces his shoulders to relax.

"I'm… not bothering you?" Righteous. Seeking vocal positive reinforcement, like a pro.

"Nope." I pop out the 'p'.

"... I think I'll, uh, stay for tonight."

My hands shoot into the air. "Woo! Sleepover, baby!"

I don't catch his hands curling back on themselves, trying to capture that leftover warmth in the late summer night.

--- to be continued.

[roach-of-rivia]

About Cyberpunk's controversy

Important: Im going to give my opinion here, so i ask you guys to kindly respect it and i invite you to open my private chat and i will gladly and respectfully debate about it with you.

The begginig

The last CM of the Cyberpunk Twitter account made a joke about assuming someone's gender.

("Did you just assume their gender?")

Personally, I don't find it offensive. I enjoy dark humor as hell.

Also, here in my country, Spain, there are some ppl going mad about the gender pronouns stuff. At a point that is so ridiculous even trans people laugh at them. So it's kind of a meme here.

Next

This person was fired, and i really disapprove this decision.

None should ever be fired bc a joke. This was a joke made with good intentions. This person wasn't meant to hurt trans ppl. Although, I understand it was made in a inappropriate situation.

So, I wouldn't have fired this person, but instead make them to apologize and be more careful next time.

The end

CdPred apologized for that and now here's another person controlling the account .

Ps: even if it was a bad joke, one person (and more a CM) doesn't represent the whole team.

Now, about the racist accusations towards The Witcher 3.

The skin colour of npcs

They're white bc the games happens exclusively in Nordic countries.

And in the medieval ages.

So, why there aren't black ppl in the game?

There are, but why so few? Bc these countries (which would be Poland-Germany for Novigrad, Velen and White Orchard, Italy(?) For Toussaint, and Iceland for Skellige) are very very far from Africa and the southeast of Europe (I mean countries like Turkey, in which ppl have mostly brown skin).

So:

There's multiple times we are asked where are we from, and if we answer "Kaer Morhen", we will always (as long as we are outside Novigrad/Velen and White Orchard) get "That's so far away!" As a reply.

So, despite of being from the continent we are told we come from far away lands.

Now imagine: how would it be for ppl from Africa (for example) to get from there to Toussaint? (Which is the one most to the south) In world full of danger, like monsters or bandits; a world in which even white ppl are racist to other white beings just bc they're shorter (dwarfs) or have long ears (elfs), how a black or brown person could survive? Or worse, who would want to go there?

So, of course bc climate there can't be black ppl growing out of nowhere.

Not only climate changes between maps; accents, customs, music, npcs tasks, clothes, swords, armors...and animals does too.

Why are animals important here? Bc as we humans change our bodies in order to survive better in different climates, animals do too.

So, it's not like CD Pred ignored this.

They acknowledged it both with animal and human npcs.

We find different type of wolves, bears, rock trolls and horses in Skellige we can't find anywhere else. (Plus, sirens can only be found there)

There are unique monsters (Archerspores, Shaelmaars, Silver Basilisks, Wights, Giant Centipedes, dracolizards, scurvers, and all the expansion vampires) animals (panthers, peacocks, pheasants) and even plants (like the tulips) in Toussaint.

As in each map there can only grow certain species of animals, happens the same with humans.

And that's the reason why "there aren't" black ppl.

The actual black ppl in the game

There are several dark skin characters.

-By the fault, we encounter a black succubus as protagonist in a secondary quest in Novigrad.

-In the dlc

°Hearts of stone: (SPOILERS AHEAD) We get captured by a group of ofiris (One mage, at least 5 ofiri warriors and the dead prince).

Then, near Olgierd's mannor, we get to meet an ofiri merchant and an another ofiri mage (I'm not sure if he was really a mage..)

°Blood & Wine: In Madragoras party we get to see another Ofiri magician.

(End of SPOILERS, you can now continue reading)

So in total we have: 11 brown npcs.

What I like about Hearts of stone: it feels well implemented, it feels right with the dlc theme (as we get introduced to ofiri sabers thanks to Olgierd). It feels like true diversity.

We we get to chat with the ofiri merchant, one of the first things we say is "You are so far away from Ofir". He even tell us about the beauty of his land.

It feels really nice talking to him, it's a very interesting and friendly chat. That's why is so cool, bc is a unique character, with a unique story line (also they have unique accents and facial features).

Summary: the npcs are very aware of distance between 'maps'. That's why it is not racism, it is following the world's logic.

If it were racism, Hearts of Stone would be a lot different.

Also, one of the important members of the (CD Pred) team is a black man so..

What does this have to do with Cyberpunk?

There were a lot of ppl calling CD Pred racists bc of this TW3 matter.

Now that Cyberpunk trailers and gameplay has been revealed, we can see all human races mix together in the same city.

Why? Bc in the future (or even now) it's completely normal and logical to be npcs of all skin colours and genders.

This shows that CD Pred aren't racists, they just make logical (and high quality) worlds and eviroments.

One matter solved.

Now, the transgender ad controversy.

First of all, I don't find offensive at all, the opposite, I think is good that trans ppl are shown in games as normal as cis ppl.

Also, the artist explained why their penis is so visible: they wanted to show how corporations sexualize and milk to the last drop everything, they wanted the ads to be as much aggressive as possible. The wanted to give players the feeling that corporations control everything, even us. (You can find out more googling for interviews)

So it is not transphobic.

It make offend some ppl, but it wasn't meant to be offensive.

They also let us customise our character the way we like (like the sims), it can be as you want.

CD Projekt Red isn't a transphobic or racist studio!

Thanks for reading me.

Ps: I'm sorry if I have grammatical mistakes, this is not my main language.

Update:

If you still believe they're transphobic after this.. then i dont know what would make you change your mind..

Tweet here