#i'm going to check youtube and social media but i thought i'd check and see if anyone has one easily accessible

[monstermoviedean]

hello fob friends if anyone has a good video of i am my own muse from last night could you please send me the link?

[theabigailthorn]

what made you decide to get an instagram/tiktok?

Great question! After the NHS video a bunch of people signed up for my Patreon. As far as I'm concerned that money isn't mine, it's my patrons', so it wouldn't be right for me to spend it on myself. I need to spend it on making Philosophy Tube better. I thought about what the show might need, and my ideas were:

A) a video editor, or B) a social media manager

I decided against hiring an editor pretty quickly because I like doing the editing myself - it's often where the last mile of creative inspiration comes. Yes it's HARD WORK but I like giving it that personal touch.

I already knew that if I wanted to show to keep growing and keep reaching new audiences I'd need to get on Instagram and TikTok. Especially TikTok - that's just where the audiences are now. It's one of the most used search engines in the world and it's where the 13-18 demographic are. Whether I like it or not that's just a fact, and I can either accept it and work with it or ignore it and face the consequences.

And you might ask, "Well why does the show need to grow, why not keep it as it is?!" Good question! The natural tendency of YouTube channels and Patreon pages is they shrink: people gradually drop off, they move on to another creator, their life circumstances change and they don't watch as much YouTube anymore - all totally natural and understandable life reasons why entertainment products get affected by entropy. So if you want to keep going at all you need to be reaching new audiences.

I decided to take the money the new patrons had given me and invest it back into the show - put their money on the screen rather than in my pocket. They gave me that money cause they want more Philosophy Tube, and this was the best way I could think of to ensure that more gets made. It's very early days but I'm enjoying it so far and I've also been getting a fair bit of creative inspiration from trying out a new skill set!

It's a bit scary and anxiety-provoking, and I've already noticed an uptick in transphobic abuse since we launched, but I've got a good safety net and good working practices set up to keep me healthy and safe. My social media manager and I have wargamed various worst case scenarios and we're checking in regularly to see what's working and what's not.

[blinkysrewatchparty]

Welcome to Blinky's Rewatch Party!

Hello Nighthawks, Sniggles, and Latte Hattes! You've found the official tumblr page for Blinky's Rewatch Party--where we organize semi-regular watch parties of Nightmare Time 2 episodes as part of our campaign to both share our love of NMT and hopefully get our grubby little hands on Nightmare Time 3!

Current Rewatch Party Planning Polls: None Currently Active!

FAQ with all the basic info under the cut!

WHEN ARE THE REWATCH PARTIES?

The Rewatch Parties are every other Saturday, at two different times, so that as many people as possible can participate directly! The schedule for the current round of Rewatch Parties is:

HOW CAN I PARTICIPATE?

Here on Tumblr, we will be using the tag "Blinky's Rewatch Party." You can use the tag to liveblog your rewatch, or wait until the story is over to post any and all thoughts at once. If you can't make either of the chosen times, that's okay! The tag's not going anywhere; simply watch and post your thoughts whenever you can. And remember to check out the tag to see what other people are saying!

If the Tumblr tagging system isn't your ideal communal watching experience, that's cool too. We're set up on several other social media platforms that you are welcome to check out!

Also you can follow this blog! It's not super necessary, but it will make keeping up with any updates easier. Also, likes and ESPECIALLY reblogs of any and all posts are greatly appreciated--I don't really care about notes for notes' sake, but since the whole point is to keep people watching Nightmare Time, I'd love for the parties to reach as many people as possible!

WHAT OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS? HOW DO I FIND YOU THERE?

We'll be hosting the watch parties here on Tumblr, but also on Discord, YouTube, and Twitter.

Our discord is currently invite only! DM this account if you're interested in joining and we'll see what we can do. The server is super chill and fun and there's a surprising amount of discussion and theorizing about Chumby.

We don't have a specific YouTube page (yet!)--we'll simply be hosting the watch parties in the comments sections of the Nightmare Time episodes themselves. This will have the added bonus of really showing increased interest in NMT, and getting us one step closer to our ultimate goal: MORE HATCHETFIELD!

The link to our twitter is here: https://twitter.com/BlinkysParty. We will be using the hashtag #BlinkysRewatchParty.

For more information on participating in the Rewatch Parties on various social medias, go here.

WHO RUNS THE WATCH PARTIES?

That would be me! Hello! My name is Brooke (she/her), and you may know me on here as @man-down-in-hatchet-town. I want these watch parties to be as positive an experience as possible, so please feel free to reach out to me on this page OR man-down with any thoughts, questions, or concerns. Unlike Hidgens, I promise I won't show you my résumé!

Our discord is also largely managed by the amazing @abarryswiftexit! They are super cool and friendly and the real hero of this whole endeavor.

YOUR ART IS SO COOL! WHO MADE IT?

I'm so glad you asked! Our awesome text graphics and unbelievable avatar are all by my wonderful fandom best buddy @its-short-for-jackalope. Seriously, guys, their art is so good and interesting, so be sure to check it all out and give his page a follow!

Thanks, Jack! 💜

AND THE BIG ONE: WHAT HAPPENED IN 2005 TO MAKE THE HATCHETFIELD TIMELINE SPLIT?

I actually don't know this one (though I have lots of thoughts and ideas, help)! But I do know that rewatching Nightmare Time will help us get the chance to find out. So let's get our Bliklotep on and do this thing!

[inkedmoth]

STORY TIME!

So a few years back I found a song that I absolutely loved, it really resonated with me and a story I was writing for my own world. It was called "Hell or High Water" by the Rescuers. It fit the storyline perfectly, and I was quick to slap it into a playlist for that story, liked it on youtube, all those usual things you do with a new song you like!

But I didn't buy it.

I never buy music, I listen to spotify and youtube and that's all I need. But it was a mistake not to buy this song, because out of the blue a few months ago, that band deleted and removed ALL their songs from the internet.

Gone. Scrubbed overnight and without a word to their social media.

Needless to say that was a little upsetting but after So. Much. Digging. I found an acoustic version of the song from when they'd performed at a small venue. It wasn't the same, didn't have the same resonance or weight, but it was the same tune and lyrics so it would do. I accepted that the song was gone and that I probably wouldn't listen to it in full again.

Until last night.

Last night I decided to google Hell or High Water. It had been on my mind a lot recently, and maybe it was a last ditch attempt to see if there was any news or updates from the band. It had been a few months, maybe there was a development, an explanation as to the lost music, or maybe there was nothing. I wasn't really holding out hope for any changes, but I thought I'd check their socials at least.

I didn't get that far, because the first result was a reddit page.

A group of users were ALSO asking the same question, wondering the same things, discussing the removal in preparation of a musical coming out. The Lost Boys Musical.

BUT a user had found a copy of my missing song, tucked away in the middle of a pirate themed playlist on youtube. It existed! It was real! I'd not dreamt the whole thing up! There was a copy and while it had rigging creaking and water sloshing overlaid, it was THERE!

Now remember it's midnight I'm in bed, with my phone's speaker pressed to my ear grinning like a lunatic. While I'd love to leave a comment there and then, I decided to leave it till morning.

I needn't have bothered.

Because all tucked up in bed, I decided to scroll down to read the comments and to see if any of the reddit users had commented, I found they had! In fact, one had specifically asked the maker of the playlist if they had heard of this songs removal, if they knew anything about the band. Or if they had a copy.

Not only did the playlist maker have a copy, they immediately slapped it into a google drive and posted a PUBLIC LINK!

I've never hit a download link so quickly or so recklessly in. my. life.

But I have it back! I have a copy on my phone and my laptop and now this atmospheric-slightly-too-much-sound-effect playlist, but you know what that is great! Its fantastic! This song was utterly lost and gone but now I have a copy and I'm SO SO HAPPY. I've been listening to it on repeat all morning because I've missed it so much.

BUT WAIT there's more!

The reason this song has been plaguing me so much recently, is because it's a perfect fit to one of my fic plans. The fic, which I intend to call "Hell or High Water", is named for the song. The lyrics fit perfectly to various scenes, the vibe of desperation and determination is a perfect fit. The fic is made for the song and the song is made for the fic, to the point where I couldn't write this without the song, and I'm legitimately considering sneaking the lyrics in here and there to the story. The acoustic version was okay, but it wasn't right, but now I have the original and everything is perfect.

So I'm taking this as a sign, and I'm going to start plotting this fic. And since I'm in such a great mood, I'm also going to share a big chunk of a scene I've already written for it.

I'm so happy.

I'm so looking forwards to writing this, and I can't wait to share it with you guys.

[adviceformefromme]

Hi hon, I've always loved your blog and advice—and I'd love to have your guidance and thoughts on my issue.

I carry a lot of guilt and shame over making a terrible mistake 5 years ago, which led to the fall of my longest childhood friendship (16yrs at that point). I thought I was able to accept it, but I still have dreams about my friend that reopens the grief I have for our friendship. Today's dream was probably the worst; it featured them being willing to mend our relationship, us interacting like normal, planning to get matching piercings together, and it felt so real, I was so happy.

I came across their social media acc while taking off followers from a personal art account I hope to invest in this year. I was rly tempted to check on their ig reels and YouTube, but knew I shouldn't and decided not to in the end. If me no longer being in their life makes them able to live their happiest and most fulfilling life, I want that for them, I want to be happy for them. Even if it does hurt/make me sad. It wasn't a perfect friendship, but they were my best friend. I want to heal from this as much as possible, since healing completely is prob unrealistic.

I have a group of close friends, ppl who are much more communicative w me, but we all live far from each other so we only interact digitally. I've moved so many times in my life, that digitally is also the best way for me to keep in touch w any irl old friends—it's hard to keep irl friendships strong when you don't see them in person as much as you could in the past.

Tbh I'm kind of a loser. I'm jobless w/ no degree & don't have a driver's license. I know my lack of motivation to get my life together contributes to the lack of opportunities in seeing my friends in person. I am so comfortable in my home environment, even if emotionally/mentally abusive and fear change even if I know it's good for me. I have dreams and yet I'm scared to make steps towards them. That's a whole other thing tho.

I don't know what I need to move past this mourning. I want to stop carrying this sadness with me. I feel it bear such a heavy weight in my chest. I'm at fault and to blame and i feel terrible for being a bad person/friend to that person, even if I know I'm a better/good friend to the ppl currently in my life. Please help me.

Hey sweetie, I sense so much sadness in your message from how you describe your life, to your loss with your friend. I would recommend journalling or releasing your emotions through some form of expression. It needs to be expressed. Write, cry, paint do what ever you need to do to release these emotions because it seems they are completely weighing you down and hacking away at your self esteem. Writing your friend a letter did come to mind if you really want to let them know how you feel and if it would shift some of the pain you've been feeling. I can't recommend forgiveness healing enough! I've wrote about the process here. The journey to loving yourself and being kind to yourself is a process, especially if you are going from a place of feeling low confidence and self belief. But please don't give up on your hopes and dreams. They are within you for a reason. You are not a bad person, you are human and we all do things we wish we didn't, all we can do is show up better. Do our best each day. Listen to those positive affirmations instead of the music that brings you down. Choose the foods that give you energy, instead of foods that give you the food comma so you actually feel motivated to do your best. Read a book that inspires you, watch a documentary about struggle to success. Go help someone. Do a random act of kindness. Plan your tomorrow. Choose to wear something that makes you feel special. Brush your teeth before bed. Light an incense stick. There are so many little things you can do each day to add some light and love into your existence. Lean into the goodness and I promise the heavy weights of the world will start to shift. You'll start to feel a little lighter day by day. But it will be worth it. The light is within you, keep tending to your fire.

xoxox

[ckret2]

omg how do you seem to pull all the niche things i love out of my brain and put them in your au?? when i was a kid growing up in the early 2000s i was unhealthily obsessed with rainbow brite even though literally no one else my own age had ever heard of it and that was my first in a line of many socially isolating media interests. this is the second time you've pulled this for me as i am also one-eyed anon, henceforth signed as 👁️🕳️.

keep up the great stories ow-

Eyyy a repeat anon, hello!

When I was a kid we lived walking distance from a video rental store (honest-to-god VIDEO rental, with VCR tapes) and they had several 80s Rainbow Brite videos I'd pester my family to check out over and over. We managed to record the movie off of TV and somehow i got ONE Rainbow Brite children's book. And that's what I had access to! I loved it. I was in love with rainbows; I was fascinated by the unexpectedly (to me) grimdark dystopian origin story they gave Wisp; and I was a unicorn kid and wholly embraced Starlite as an honorary unicorn, like he doesn't need the horn to qualify, he's THAT magnificent. I believe his hype.

One of my long term life goals is to make a Rainbow Brite cosplay, but like, one that looks like real clothing made out of quality materials rather than a costume. I'm talking "hand dying the leather for the belt," "rainbow ombré Marie sleeves," QUALITY looking. The kind of thing that makes anyone who hasn't seen the show go "what avant-garde fashion designer did you steal this next gen runway look from" and anyone who HAS seen the show go "excuse me are you literally the actual rainbow brite?" This is my dream.

I was inspired to make the post a few days ago because I've been rewatching the series on youtube this week to get into the What Kinds Of Shows Would Mabel Watch mindset. I look at Shimmery Twinkleheart and go "okay so the vibes we're shooting for here are like, Rainbow Brite, Care Bears, and G1 My Little Pony, got it." (And I've been seeing some episodes I'd never seen before! I guess the video store didn't have many season 2 episodes. Couple nights ago I was sitting on my couch, an entire adult with a job and a mortgage, going "what do you mean Murky only hates colors because of childhood trauma... what the fuck... my mind is blown... this changes everything." The seven-year-old in me who thought Rainbow & Murky should make up and be friends feels vindicated.) Probably gonna watch Star Stealer tonight and then my Rainbow Brite rewatch will be complete.

[gh-0-stcup]

Tumblr 101

Since the post about reblogging, I'd thought it'd be a good idea to make a little guide about how to use Tumblr effectively. You know - gaining followers, increasing meaningful engagement, and keeping the site healthy.

If you saw the post on likes vs reblogs, you probably have gathered that Tumblr's core feature is reblogging. If you didn't, let me tell you now - Tumblr's core feature is reblogging. It's what allows your posts to circulate, to cross over to different communities, and to keep being seen 10 years after you initially posted it. It's how users find you, how you find them. It's how communities are built and what allows them to thrive.

Why is this?

To get the most out of Tumblr, it's important to understand the main way this site differs from other social media. We are not algorithm driven. On Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Reddit, and many others, the main feature is likes. Or whatever happens to be their equivalent to likes. Liking is what lets the posters know you enjoyed their post and what helps get it seen by other people.

If you're coming to Tumblr having spent a lot of time on other sites, it's likely you're instinctively relying on the like feature. As a long term Tumblr user, the like button on this website is largely meaningless. The improvements to searching and browsing by tags, which now allow users to sort based on likes/reblogs, have made the feature a little more useful. But it's still pretty much the least important feature. It's just a nod to the poster.

You have to change the way you think.

Step One: Follow!

Your personal dash is where you should be spending most of your time on this site. The search functions are superfluous and if you're relying on that for entertainment, I'm sorry to say you are not using the site properly.*

To make your dash more interesting, follow more people. Yeah, yeah you know! I hear you scream out. Stop talking to you like you're stupid, you get that you're supposed to follow people you like. But here's the thing - if your dash is so boring you're not even using it, you don't know.

Go into that search function, look up some stuff you like, and whenever you find a good post follow that person. The time for pickiness comes later. Just follow, follow, follow. Keep going until you get bored. Start with quantity over quality. The more you follow, the more you'll see on your dash.

When somebody new follows you, check out their blog. Do they share an interest with you? Follow back. Even if it's not the greatest blog, just spend some time focusing on increasing the number of people you are following.

Step Two: Effective Design

Your icon and description are very important. Other people will look to your icon when it pops up on your dash or their searches to judge whether you're a kindred spirit they can follow. Set your icon to something that relates to a fandom or ship you post about often or like a lot. It will attract others who enjoy the same thing.

Your icon is (generally) not about creating an identity for yourself. It communicates what your interests are, your aesthetic, and/or what kind of things you post about. Every time your blog shifts gear, crosses over to a different fandom or gets into a different ship or starts posting lots about something else - change your icon.

Your description is also important, though less so than your icon. Something very important thing to keep in mind - this is a content driven site, not a personality driven one. In essence, nobody here gives a shit about who you are. Your real name, face, age, gender, location? Superfluous information. Nice to know sometimes, but completely unnecessary to share.

Like your icon, your description should be a summary of the content you post. It should describe what you like and possibly convey the tone of your blog/your sense of humour (if that's important to your blog). Update your description when your blog changes what it posts about. People will look at your description as well as the content you post to determine whether they want to see you on their dash. You are their source of entertainment, they care about whether you post things they want to see.

Step Three: Reblog

Now that we've (somewhat) fixed your dash and helped you get seen by others, it's time to get into actual site usage. Browse your dash, which is hopefully now buzzing with content.** Pretend the like feature does not exist. Every time you find yourself going for that like button, hit reblog instead. Okay, you can hit the like as well - just make sure you're reblogging every time too.

Reblogging should be the main thing you're doing. It produces content for your followers. It advertises you as a person who posts things to people who post things you like. It helps you find things you'd like to see on your dash because they'll find you.

If a post is good enough for a like, it's good enough for a reblog.

When the mood strikes, add to what you're reblogging with your own commentary. If you have something to say, say it. Even if it's just a "wow awesome gif" or "i loved this scene!"

On Tagging

Tagging is important. Yes, it gets your post seen. But the biggest benefit to tagging is that it allows your followers to NOT see certain things. Say you mostly post about Blorbo from your shows, but you also like Xorbo. If you tag appropriately, fellow Blorbo lovers will be able to follow you even if they hate Xorbo. They'll follow you for the content they like and filter out the content they don't like rather than unfollowing.

For fandom content, you want to tag the fandom and character discussed in the post. Simple. If you notice most people use a particular acronym for a fandom, adopt that over the full name. Optionally, you can tag for both.

Don't over tag. If a character or ship is mentioned in passing but is not even close to the main focus of the post, it is not necessary to tag it. Overtagging clutters tags for people who are completing step one. If you're unsure, imagine you despised xyz character or show. Would this post be annoying to see? If so, tag. If not, don't.

Now, tags are for people who enjoy the thing. If you're posting content that is against the thing, tag with "anti-[x]" instead. This is where things get a little complex - is a take that is critical of a character "anti" that character? You can also tag as "[x] critical" in cases where the take is not motivated by disdain/frustration for the thing.

Similar to how tags are for people who enjoy the thing, anti tags are for people who do not enjoy the thing. When judging whether something is anti or simply critical, consider who it would annoy more to see the post. If it would annoy people who hate the thing, go with critical.

Basically, it's all about politeness and the ability to curate our own experiences. Keep this in mind as you tag your posts.

A time honored tradition on Tumblr is to put commentary in the tags. Many new users have question what the etiquette of this is - when do you add to a reblog vs when do you add to the tags kind of deal. The simple answer is - there is no longer a rule to judge this by. I don't care what tips people have tried to tell you. Tag commentary was brought about by the way the site used to function. The reasons are now obsolete and thus make zero sense to anybody who's entered Tumblr recently. Feels and vibes are the only way you have to judge it.

What do I mean? In the long long ago when Tumblr's culture emerged, tags did not show up in the activity feed. Things that were added in the main text of reblogs would. So people could add random comments, jokes, or things they didn't want the OP to see in the tags. This is where the phrase "why would you hide this in the tags?!" comes from. Tags were difficult to see unless you saw the post on your dash or were browsing the person's actual blog.

Step Four: Queue

Reblogging everything means your blog is going to get pretty crowded real quick. Spamming can be fun once in a while, but if it's happening regularly it can be annoying. There's a chance people might start unfollowing you, which we do not want. So you should make use of Tumblr's other main feature - the queue.

The queue is a chest of posts that get released at regular intervals. You can adjust when and how often your queue posts, but it's fine to leave it at the default for now. It allows you to reblog a lot without cluttering the dash. It also ensures you're posting consistently, which will help you gain followers better than spamming 20 posts every Saturday.

To start making use of your queue, choose an arbitrary ratio of reblog/queue. For example, reblog two posts and queue the third. I also tend to queue things that I don't add commentary to. If I'm adding commentary, I want to be around when/if people respond to it so I can have a conversation. You don't have to do that though. Just build up a queue however you feel is appropriate to your needs.

Step Five: Pruning

Okay, at this point a lot of your Tumblr problem should be fixed. You're barely using the searches anymore, your dash keeps you busy for days, you've started to gain followers, and people are engaging with your posts. You've probably noticed a downside to the whole "follow everybody" thing I had you do in step one - there's a lot of stuff on your dash that you don't want to see! It's starting to get annoying. You just want to sit in the glow of all that content you adore.

Well, the time for pickiness has finally come. You see one person on your dash keeps posting stuff you don't know or care about? Unfollow. This other person is spamming and that was fine once upon a time, but their stuff isn't that great and it's blocking you from stuff you really enjoy? Unfollow. Go on a very small unfollow spree, focusing on clearing your dash of things that are preventing the joy from sparking.

Don't bother with sentimentality. Remember: this is a content driven site. It is not insulting to unfollow somebody who isn't posting things you want to see.

Start being a little more choosy when hitting follow. If somebody follows you, visit their blog. Are their posts something you'd like to see on your dash? Follow. Do the same for people who reblog your posts. Doing this in tandem with getting rid of things you don't want to see will allow you to further tailor your dash to your interests.

Misc. Tip: Reblog vs New Post

Adding commentary to reblogs is generally better than creating an entirely new post because it's continuing a conversation. You already have two people who are guaranteed to see your post (the OP and the person you're reblogging from), which is two more than a new post is guaranteed to have.

There are, however, times where creating your own post is best etiquette. If you are starting to stray pretty far from the original topic, feel free to make your own post about it instead. You can link and/or screenshot the post that inspired your own for context.

Other times, etiquette warrants a new post. Go by the same metric I described in the tagging section - if you created this post, would the commentary annoy you? Make your own.

On Tumblr, we must curate our own experience. Therefore, good Tumblr etiquette is all about allowing others to do the same.

*Meant in terms of keeping this site functioning, not dictating how you should have your fun. This post is about boosting community building, making friends, and helping Tumblr not get shut down for sucking ass.

**If your dash is not buzzing with content, repeat step one.

[internal-bleating]

If you ever find out what happened to Sweet Tuesday I GOTTA KNOW??? I’ve been going on like a whole hunt all morning trying to figure it out. YouTube is gone, Amazon music is gone, Spotify is gone, their lyrics are still posted for genius lyrics and their songs are still up on the original Walten files channel but otherwise they’ve just been wiped??? I’ve checked every social media I own and found nothing so if you manage to put it together before I do, don’t be afraid to aggressively come shake me about it because I miss having All I am

I'm just as clueless and at a loss as to how to figure out what happened as you are sadly :(

It's good to know that somone else has noticed cuz I haven't heard a peep from anyone mentioning that Sweet Tuesday's music has vanished. Well, besides you now. Which is a surpise cuz I thought they had a fairly big fanbase and yet, there's nothing in the sweet tuesday tag.

I've also been searching around and checked the news and even checked reddit for anyone saying something about Sweet Tuesday possibly quitting or some other explanation(I hope quitting isn't the explanation I'd miss them ;-;). I'm just praying it's not due to a situation similar to Averno cuz that would suck big time.

I also checked the social medias that were linked to Sweet Tuesday's account and they're both completely empty and blank and that's incredibly worrying. Now, I've never really kept up with any of the socials of my fave bands so idk if they've always been empty and blank but, from what I can gather, I'm guessing for whatever reason Sweet Tuesday's creator has deleted themself from the internet. That conclusion could be wrong idk...

I get how you feel though. I miss listening to Once Again and All I See Is You along with a fair amount of other songs. Some of them are up on youtube on the Walten Files channel yes, but for old records aethstetic reasons, their quality is so so warped compared to the tracks on spotify....

I'll def give you a ping if I do find out. And if you decide to do anymore research, I wish you luck on finding something with crucial info on wtf happened.

[the-fangirl-diaries]

Hello!

For those who are just following me or who've just become mutuals with me, here's a post that can help you get to know me a little bit more.

My name's Jessyca and I'm from Canada. I post now and then if I have anything remotely important to say or just wanna spew random thoughts. I'm also Batman, but you're not supposed to know that so forget I told you.🤫 (This is a joke, by the way. I WISH I could be that awesome!)

I am in a lot of fandoms including (but not limited to) Avengers, Good Omens, James Bond, Peaky Blinders, Pirates of the Caribbean, Puss in Boots, Sherlock Holmes, The Sandman, Three Musketeers (2011) Twilight, and Umbrella Academy. I'd be happy to talk about any of those topics, or maybe you can introduce me to some new stuff.

Sometimes it takes me a bit to truly feel comfortable with someone, but I promise you I don't bite! 😁

As far as activity goes, it's a bit of a toss-up. I will usually pop on in the early mornings before starting my day or at night just before bed, but other than that anywhere from 11:00AM - 8:00 PM is usually when I am busy with projects or staring at a blank screen watching the cursor blink.

Sorry, I was trying to be funny there.

Seriously, though. I have about five or six different stories that I am working on and have yet to publish to the world wide web, including two fanfictions, I make audios for YouTube and Patreon that I have to write scripts and record, I also make edits for TikTok.

By the end of the day I am left feeling pretty worn out mentally, so sometimes all I want to do is kick back, relax and watch a little bit of TV and unplug from social media.

On top of that, there are real life obligations I must tend to, as I am sure a lot of you do, and I have family coming over almost every week, which I honestly desperately need because it encourages me to unplug for a bit and live in the moment without worrying about deadlines and stuff.

It is tricky to juggle it all at once and schedules can change and if I don't respond to comments, messages and posts you've mentioned me in right away, please be patient with me and understand that I am in no way doing it on purpose and will respond when I can, even if it takes me a while to do so.

I wish I could just set a consistent schedule and tell myself to work on one thing at a time, but my brain hasn't gotten the message yet, so until then, I greatly appreciate your patience.

Just because we don't talk everyday or sometimes have periods where we don't speak for weeks or months at a time, it doesn't mean we're not friends, it simply means we trust each other enough to check in every now and then.

We all have struggles, some we keep hidden from the rest of the world, we all go through rough times, and if you are one of those people, I see you, I love you and I support you and I want you to take care of yourself, even if it means taking that extra step. Find your safe space, find a place where you can forget about your troubles for a bit, be it online or offline. If you are not in the right headspace to be on social media and need to take a break for the sake of your mental health, please do so!

I value healthy friendships, which means when we have conversations, we both feel comfortable around each other and we respect each other's time and feelings. Therefore, I am not obligated to respond to messages that are inappropriate or rude. Like I said, if I don't respond to messages, it is because I am busy with the things listed above, or I am asleep and I don't have the talent to text people in my sleep and need I go into time zones? They are wacky!

I am sure a lot of us would prefer to keep any sort of conversations light-hearted, and I can understand that because I do tend to worry a lot about everything and everyone, sometimes to the point I can't even sleep at night.

Anyway, that's all. I am sorry if this is long, I feel like I just needed to post this just in case any of you wanted to know a little more about me and my life behind the screens. Get it? Instead of behind the scenes? ...... I'm gonna show myself out now.

[ellrond]

0 for elrond babes <3

2, 5-8 answered here!

What would their social media page/activity be like? Non-existent for the most part, I think. He might have a twitter where he posts and RTs about social issues but that's about it. He uses Youtube only for ambience playlists too

3. My thoughts on their design/aesthetic? Hugo Weaving was my only Elrond for so long, and so I got accustomed to just thinking about him along those lines. It matches what is in lotro, too, and I love the 'in the box' thinking for him. Then Rob Aramayo came along.............and I'm in love. However, I'd love to see him in more PJ-esque costumes because I'm basic. 'Outside the box' designs are something I love too, and I love seeing interpretations of his design that go outside of the 'traditional Medieval England-inspired' sphere in terms of costumes. As for his face/skin tone/build, every interpretation is so wonderful to see. Basically the more content there is, the more varied it is, the better!

4. Physical headcanons? He sleeps much more than elves but less than humans - perhaps a few hours every night, 3-4 maybe - and always with his eyes closed. Where elves are more comfortable with stillness, he has more human habits sometimes - the tapping of a foot, running his finger and thumb together idly, picking the skin around his nails. When he was younger, he was also conscious of not taking up too much space, coming from when he was kidnapped and he wanted to remain as small and inconspicuous as he could. Over many years, he unlearned that behaviour, but it remains an impulse.

5. Social headcanons? He seeks out the company of those who give him peace, those who have similar outlooks on life. There is a time and place for debates on ethics and economics and politics and science and part of his role in societies is to engage in those, but in time that is his own, he just wants easy peace. Someone like Galadriel, who also feels the same, is a relief to be around, as often there is no conflict, only quiet company. In ages when there are so many different paths, he longs for the company of those who choose to take the same as him.

6. Psychological heacanons? He's incredibly good at controlling his anger. In his formative years he was around people who let anger drive them and he knew from an even younger age how destructive that could be. From birth he was taught how to be mild and considered, and it is not in his nature to become angry easily. When anger is roused in him he can control it and he finds ways to release the pressure in safe and harmless ways. Even in battle, he keeps his anger in check so that he can remain level-headed and in control. Anger is most often mixed with grief for him, and so on the rare occasions he has been overwhelmed, it has shown itself as defeated agony more than violent anger (when Gil and Elendil were killed, when he saw what happened to Celebrian, for example).

7. YOU made me ship Celebrimbor/Elrond in Rings of Power thanks to my favourite fic of all time To Partake written by RUNAWAYMUN. Celrond reigns supreme in my heart, though.

9. Headcanons about their past? Gil Galad and Cirdan learned through their spy network that Maedhros and Maglor held Elrond and Elros, and tried to negotiate for their release but were refused. If they had found out that others hadn't given up on them, Elros would have tried even harder to escape, but Elrond doesn't know if he would have tried. He grew to love Maglor especially, where Elros held the Feanorians in nothing but contempt until the day he died.

10. Content about them I'd like to see more of? Erotic art. I'm not kidding. I want to see his thick uncut dick way more than I currently do. Are you kidding me. Jesus. Let me have pornographic art of Elrond.

[slytherinalice]

Daily Blog - 14th January 2024

Welcome To My New Blog - Who Am I?

Welcome to my blog! I've had Tumblrs before, but after a good decade off of this website, I'm really excited to be back with a brand new blog.

In the past, I've been a part of fandom Tumblr, but now that I'm older and (maybe) wiser, I want to use my blog as a form of self-expression. As you get older and work most of the time, it can be hard to find any reason to be creative or undertake self-expression, so I'm hoping this blog will be a way for me to pour my heart out each day.

My goal is to post a short diary every day, although I'm keeping this as a casual commitment; we'll see how things go and I can adjust this schedule as needed. 2024 is the year of self love for me, so I'm not going to push myself too hard.

This blog will be a snapshot in to my daily life; what I'm up to, what I'm thinking, etc. I'm really excited to share and I hope I get to meet some cool people as part of this project. It's really a bit of a therapy project for me. I'll also be reblogging anything on here that takes my fancy, so if you have any good blogs you want to recommend, let me know!

So for now, I thought I'd start this blog off with a short introduction as to who I am; why would you want to follow my blog? Well, find out all about me below!

About Me:

My name is Alice, I'm 28 years old, and I'm from Scotland. While it has its problems like any place does, I love living in Edinburgh (the capital of Scotland), and I hope to share some of its beauty on this blog as time goes on.

I work full-time, although I tend to keep that part of myself private just to be safe! I work from home though, which means I get to spend a lot of time with my beautiful puppy Jolene. She's a cavapoo and is almost a year old. She's the first dog I've ever had and she's my soulmate. I'm absolutely obsessed with her; I'm totally that typical 20 something who acts like their dog is their baby!

In terms of hobbies, I've recently developed a passion for scuba diving, and I hope, in the future, to find some time to do it more often and maybe get my certificate. I also love ice skating; a goal for 2024 is to try and go at least once a week to develop my skills. I've also recently rediscovered my love of reading; I've always got at least two books on the go, and try and read as much as possible.

I love musical theatre and try and see as many shows in Edinburgh as possible, and almost always go and see a show on the West End when I'm in London. Wicked is a classic favourite for me, but I recently saw Heathers for the first time, and it might be my favourite! I also run a YouTube channel, so I like to spend time planning, filming, and editing videos when I get a spare minute.

Finally, I love to travel. It's an expensive hobby, but I go when I can, and I hope to document my travel journey on here as the year goes on. So far, I have visited the following countries:

✶ Scotland ✶ England ✶ Northern Ireland ✶ Ireland ✶ Iceland ✶ France ✶ Spain ✶ Greece ✶ Japan ✶ USA (New York, Washington DC, Delaware, Maryland, & Florida)

This year, I'm hopefully visiting The Netherlands, Poland, and India, so I'm looking forward to documenting my journeys here!

In terms of aesthetics and the type of things I'll be reblogging here, I'm a big fan of preppy looks and academia vibes. I also just really like seasonal stuff; whatever season it is, you'll find a lot of posts about it. Especially Christmas, which is my favourite time of the year.

If you'd like to know more, and follow more of my daily life, then check out my social media below:

Twitter - wizardingalice Instagram - wizardingalice Goodreads - wizardingalice Pinterest - alicecharlotte95

I'm so excited to go on this journey and use this blog as a therapeutic way to get my thoughts out on the page and do something creative each day. I really hope you follow along on this journey with me, so please follow my blog and feel free to get in touch to chat!

[boy-defined]

Advice on Mental Disorder Self-Dx

So, I wanna make it clear right now that I'm not trying to fake-claim or invalidate anybody, but I have seen a lot of self-diagnosed people claim to have mental illnesses/disabilities that they are very under-educated about and just thought I'd give you some advice by explaining what I did. You can take it or leave it.

Things to keep in mind

Don't listen to TikTok. If someone/something on TikTok gave you suspicions that you have a mental illness/disorder that's great, but TikTokers, regardless of how cool and/or trustworthy they may seem, are not reliable to get medical information from

If you don't fit the criteria for the mental illness/disorder that you thought you had but you still think that you feel/act differently than neurotypical mentally healthy people do, then you can do more research and possibly find the correct diagnosis.

If it turns out that you don't have something when you thought you did, that's perfectly okay. Everyone is wrong sometimes, and that's okay. You'll cause less harm to yourself and others by admitting you're wrong now than by never owning up to it.

A Note for Teens

The way that puberty and mental health intertwine is very nuanced and you'll have to use your discretion.

I'm sure you've heard this from every adult around you by now but hormones affect everything in your body, even your mind. So, intense mood swings are common even in neurotypical mentally healthy teenagers, what is not common in neurotypical mentally healthy teens is thoughts of harming themselves or others (either emotionally or physically), severe anxiety or anxiety about everyday tasks or events, crying themselves to sleep, etc. If you feel that something you do or feel is abnormal please look it up and read articles made by licensed mental health professionals. It is also a normal, healthy sign if your emotions are more intense than they were before puberty.

A large and very fun part of the teenage experience is learning about yourself. It is normal for teenagers to not understand themselves or lack a strong sense of self, just a few years ago you were just a little kid. It is true, however, that lacking a sense of self can be a sign of mental illness/disability, so this is one of those times where you'd have to use your discretion and research what is and isn't common for neurotypical mentally healthy teenagers

The Actual Advice

Watch 5+ Long-Form YouTube videos and read 5+ articles by people who have been formally diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional with the disorder you think you might have. Absolutely Do Not research by watching TikToks or reading posts on social media. Social media influencers are not reliable people to get medical information from.

Take 5+ tests on the internet about them. For the most part, they're not as reliable as seeing a licensed professional but they'll at least give you a good idea about how many of your symptoms line up with the mental illness/disorder you potentially have

Check the DSM-5 for the criteria and make sure it lines up with your symptoms. Yes, the DSM is slightly outdated and fairly ableist which is why it's the last thing listed

If everything for the most part lines up with your symptoms than you're good to go

I would however, like it to be noted that I am antipsychiatry, diagnostic labels, to me, are only useful as a quick way to tell someone how you interact with yourself and the world around you. If you have a symptom or symptoms that aren't something most neurotypical and/or mentally healthy have but there isn't a diagnostic label for you, you are still valid, and you are still allowed to accommodate yourself. No one should tell you otherwise. Even the most neurotypical, mentally healthiest person in the world is allowed to personalize their life to their needs.

[kiefbowl]

you know those anti smoking posters and ads that would show the timeline of what happens to you after you quit smoking starting from like 15 minutes and going into months and then years etc etc? like this:

I have no idea how scientific any of that is, that's just all preamble to give context to my other point: I feel like I can physically feel changes in my brain the longer away from the internet I am. Possibly psychosomatic, I'd be willing to concede that. But I feel like as my current job has left me with little to do but browse the internet all day, my social media and internet usage is way up again, and with that comes weird symptoms I've started to associate with it: brain fog, lack of focus, erratic thoughts, headaches, thought loops, low estimation of my capabilities, lack of trust in my own memory, and weird preoccupation with time and death. Granted, I struggle with depression and anxiety, but paired with increased internet usage I seem even more hyper vigilant at observing my internalization and I become extremely disconnected with my external realities, even so far as wondering "is this real?" That's at the most extreme end, usually I think I have over-all a pretty healthy relationship with the internet, especially due to great practice and awareness over the past few years, but can slide into over-usage pretty quickly. I've felt more aware of these "symptoms" as I've practice things like taking hiatuses (which I recommend) of all different lengths.

This moment in time I feel the most aware of the phenomenon of increased internet usage = symptoms impacting my physical life, maybe due to age or my increased awareness. The other day I realized the thought I was having was just an image looping in my mind like a gif. I was like...am I literally not thinking of anything? But the ability to recognize it stopped it and then I spent the rest of the day away from the computer and my phone and realized my mood was better and I was more present by the end of the day when at the beginning of the day I felt like I couldn't keep a straight thought about anything. I've also realized (in this current past few weeks) I've gotten into a habit of opening too many things on the internet...I'll open a youtube video and as it's loading, open tumblr, and as I'm scrolling realizing I've seen most the posts, so then I open a browser game, but that's boring, so I'm checking my email, and that reminds me of a task I haven't done but when I open another tab I can't remember it already so I'm back at the youtube video....trying to do eight things at once but never really fully committed to any of them. It's freaky to realize you've fallen into this habit when you can spend hours of the day acting like a normal person!

But that's the reason I bring up the cigarette posters is that the effects of "quitting" the internet seem almost immediate. I put my phone in the other room and sit with a book and the first few pages feel excruciating, but if I make myself keep going, 15 minutes later I'm reading like a normal person and yet part of my brain is going "why did you think that this was hard it's just reading so weird so weird so weird" and then 30 minutes later that part of my brain is silent and I'm really reading and it's fine. And I also notice when I leave the house, it takes any activity at all to get lost into being alive again rather than hyper vigilantly observing myself. But so many kids (and adults) joke about not wanting to leave the house. I think for normal and otherwise healthy people, you could easily reverse the effects of anti-social behavior your internet usage is convincing you of by simply "touching grass" (lol), but a lot of people are convinced of some intrinsic truth about themselves because they aren't as critical of their internet usage as other people are, so they don't see the connection between their usage and their life choices. You could literally go for a walk and feel normal again.

I don't really have a conclusion except maybe that the brain is very fascinating, and it's very capable of absorbing so much information at once, that to give it care we need to not overload it. But what I've found to work for me is to not "shut if off" but give it something else to do...a book to read, an art project, an errand to complete. These are thoughts I've been collecting in my mind for years but never felt the need to make a long winded post about, until recently when my circumstances change and that was enough to ramp up my internet usage after a lot of work to be more conscientious about it. I really wrote this off the hip, I just wanted to get some thoughts down.

[askthefamous8]

🎈 Happy birthday to us! 🎈

In other words, it's our 6 year anniversary. While I don't have flashy new art, I have something that will hopefully make up for that. Several things, actually!

Short version: significant theme quality of life updates, guest artist program is back, date for hiatus end, and new merch!

Long version below the cut

Updated Redbubble store!

Some old, some new, but I'm sure you'll find something to your liking! There's some other stuff in there as well, unrelated to AtF8 or TTTE. Shop link here!

Site Update

Overall, the blog/website should be more accessible to newcomers and easier to navigate in general. Your feedback has been great and I've done my best to implement most of it. The biggest addition of that nature is the Beginner's Guide to Ask the Famous 8. This is a combination of FAQ, general information, and links to additional websites. It also covers whether the series is suitable for children, since I've had at least one for-sure instance where a guardian has reached out to me in lieu of their child. Even if you're an AtF8 veteran, do give it a read.

Easy sorting: Letters • Art • All Posts

I thought I'd add some common tags to the front page so you don't have to dig to find art or character responses. My hope is that this will make navigating easier for newcomers, and more convenient for long-time fans.

Cosmetic Changes

The color theme has been adjusted to be slightly lighter. The banner's font has been changed to be more legible. The old font was taken directly from the official Thomas & Friends website, but it wasn't the easiest to read, so I think this is for the best. The stamps on the banner no longer link anywhere and are faded so as not to draw too much attention. I've added the description nest to the official T&F logo to make the site easier to consume. Now it's very clear what this is right from the front page. I think it adds a nice professional touch, too.

Percy's icon has been changed and is no longer animated. He also no longer links to a page. Trust me, this is for the best, the old one didn't fit the style of the site anymore. Maybe one day I'll make this one animated as well... 🤔

The little copyright tag is brighter so you know who's running the show.

Updated social media buttons!

From left to right: Tumblr (I know this seems redundant, shoosh), Twitter, Instagram, Youtube playlist, Redbubble, and Fandom Wiki. Patreon will be coming soon 👀

Guest Artist Program

The guest artist program has returned! You can apply here https://forms.gle/kgKLr2bURX6XSv977. Before the hiatus ends, I'll be reviewing these in the meantime. Once the hiatus is over I'll start reaching out to people. To start off I'm aiming for one guest a month, but if we have enough applicants and I can stay on top of things, this might increase. I'm going to be implementing some new experimental features, hence why I'd like to take things slow rather than dive head in.

Back from the dead: some pages have been updated and returned!

Taglist - Comprehensive list of the tags used on this blog, with a few exceptions Romance - List of couples

Character Pages! The character buttons no longer link to the character's tag, but rather a brief introduction page.

After some great feedback, they should be much easier to digest, now. They're nice and simple, most of the info there provided by the characters themselves, and if you want something more in-depth you can check the wiki!

Official date for the end of the hiatus

February 1, 2022

I finally have some trips back home lined up for this month and December and I'd like to enjoy those without worrying about this series. When I get back I'll need to start seriously looking for jobs, but also my current visa expires in January and I really gotta get that sorted. However, that doesn't mean I won't be drawing anything! It's more that I want to continue improving non-ask aspects of this series before I resume them since asks take up most of the time I spend here. But if you want to see new content ahead of the curve, you can join my Patreon when it goes live- hopefully by the end of the year.

And that's it! I hope you enjoy these new features and I look forward to seeing you when we return from hiatus! Thanks for 800 followers and thank you for 6 lovely years!!!!

[moondustaeil]

𝐫𝐞:𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞.

↳ Ambrosia's not-so-happy life update.

trigger warning, this post includes: weight loss, food, calorie counting, disordered eating habits, suicide, insecurities, fears.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏: 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭, 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭?

As I contemplate whether I should make an earnest post look as aesthetic as possible, my eyes are tearing up to Lee Chansub's "Gone". Therefore, this chapter gets named after his lyrics.

Since when was it? It's a question that crosses my mind after deciding on the chapter name, even though I'm well aware of the number of days that have passed. Each day I write that significant number in my journal, but there must be more than the pen can write. Beyond my awareness: there must have been a certain amount of time spent on a prologue to pen down the event that ultimately led to this chapter.

Since where was it? There could be multiple meanings behind the question, but I can only formulate a limited answer despite the openness. As far as I'm in charge of this story, there is no why or where. Yes, I quite literally woke up one day and decided to go on a diet, simple as that. Before that day, dieting never crossed my mind: I never saw my body as too much or myself as too little compared to others. Can you understand now why I think a prologue was written for me and not by me?

Anyhow, let's have a look at how I think I experienced my life before the diet. Sometimes I think I don't even remember how I experienced the last moments of it, but that doesn't mean I don't know how it went. My life before the diet was pretty plain: I didn't engage in any social or physical activities and spent most of my time behind my laptop to write or lurk around on YouTube. Eating-habit-wise, I never ate much: three meals a day with occasional snacks, those snacks probably covering more calories than my meals did. Despite eating calorie-covering snacks, I would have given my all for fruit and vegetables, especially frozen fruit. Back then, I already had significant eating habits: I'd eat nuts when I was stressed, drink smoothies while studying for exams, eat sour sweets when I was bored. My body before the diet wasn't that noteworthy: I maintained the same weight for around three years and only ditched my tight jeans because covid had me feeling too lazy to wear them. A youth like this might sound boring to you, but I gladly lived my life like this and, I don't regret the way I spent it.

I can still recall up to two days before it began: I can tell the contents of those days like I was the supporting cast instead of the main character, simply because I can't remember the emotions. The two last days were spent behind my laptop, waiting for the exam results while eating spicy nuts (to keep the stress level low). When the exam results came, and I realised I passed them all, I must have felt relieved. But in my memory, I didn't and don't feel anything at all concerning my exams. And that's where it stops. I don't even know where it starts again.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐: 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲

It quite literally feels like I woke up with no memories of the first days of the diet: I can recall what I ate, but not what I did or felt.

On the first day, I drank a strawberry oat smoothie for breakfast. It was my first self-made smoothie which was convincingly delicious compared to the bought smoothies I used to have. That same day, I stopped eating snacks: unknowingly, I restricted them and wouldn't allow them for the months after.

That paragraph is all I remember from the first day, and if I were to write one about every day of that week, it would be less each day. Maybe those days just weren't memory-worthy enough as I don't want to search for a reason behind every single thing.

For approximately twenty-eight days after the first one, I have no recollections. The only way I can reflect on those days is by checking my calorie intake and physical activity. Though, it doesn't feel like I was the one who tracked it.

The first proper recollection I have is of a day I ate 180 calories for the first time: a number I can only wonder about now. Though it was my first time having such a low intake, it wasn't the last or lowest. The number 180 seemed to attract me as in the days that followed, 180 would be the maximum amount of calories I'd consume. Back then, I had no idea what TDEE or BMR (of any of the other terms) were, so I can't tell you what my deficit was. But I would burn around 1200 calories a day by exercising, and that should be enough to raise red flags.

From that point on, even though I was probably slowly killing myself, I felt alive. A growing obsession with food, weight loss and exercise was fueling my mind. While my body was left behind, trying to catch up with the pace. If I didn't lose more than 1 gram overnight, I'd starve myself the next day. If I felt too lazy to exercise, I'd punish myself for being lazy by doing more. My weight dropped a lot, up to the point where the scale sometimes seemed to skip numbers.

Then a parent swap came: I would be staying with my dad for two weeks. In advance, I had already figured out everything I thought I needed to know: how I would skip meals without him finding out, at what times I could exercise without him knowing, where I could throw away the food he thought I would eat. The day I packed my bag and left for his house, my plans turned into action.

The two weeks there went as smooth as I planned them to go. Even with bonuses: he worked up to three days a week and did not question it when I didn't eat. In those two weeks, I would replace kpop videos with programs I used to despise: supersize versus superskinny and mukbangs. The videos would satisfy my hunger in some way, even though they caused me to start nailbiting. I wouldn't eat: I would only watch as others fed themselves.

Since I lost the initial subject I wanted to discuss in this chapter (I'm so sorry), I shall be moving on to the next chapter.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟑: 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨? 𝐃𝐢𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐚𝐭?

It was at this point that people were starting to notice things that I hadn't. Sometimes those things were appearance-related and, other times it was personality-related or even habit-related.

It started with a compliment from my aunt, and I felt like I was glowing when she mentioned my visible jawline and thin face. Maybe I was slightly disappointed that she noticed the facial changes before my body but, at the same time, she noticed a difference!

After her, people started commenting on my body, and I worked more to achieve those comments. I saw them as comments rather than compliments: I didn't tire myself out starting from 5:20 am every day just to receive a meaningless compliment. I wanted people to take notice.

And, they did. People that directly surrounded me were starting to notice things that I failed to see. Mostly stuff that changed about my personality while my body was changing. My mother told me that I became the opposite of easy-going and friendly when others were around. My sister told me that my facial expressions had gone even further than my usual resting bitch face. My nephew said that all I would do was try to end up in arguments with others and that he didn't like being around me anymore. It hurt to have all of those things said, but at the same time, I was too in denial to care. The only thing I cared about was food, exercise and losing weight.

On rare occasions, I became aware of the person I became. Mostly when others would try to reach me by calling or coming over but I was too busy to talk to them, and if I did, I would talk about food-related things only. So, I shut everyone out.

I no longer talked to my friends daily, wouldn't reply to my parents sending me messages, didn't go on social media unless it was to look at food or triggering images.

The world consisted of me and was ruled by my obsession.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒: 𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

There is an unknown amount of time that settles itself between the previous chapter and this chapter. During this time, I once again feel like I'm just a supporting character: my habits develop and my obsession rules over everything I do.

Many of the things I did (which already wasn't a lot, to begin with), were based on stuff I said already. Though even more refined and obsessive.

When I closed my eyes, sleep would take me to dreams about food and weight loss. Approximately three times a night, I would open my eyes, assume it was morning and get ready for another day of exhaustion and starvation. Those nightly hours are still engraved in my mind and current habits: 12:00 am, 3:20 am, 5:28 am.

It is in this chapter that a slow awareness creeps up on me. The side effects are what wakens me when everything else consumes me: constant thoughts about food, the inability to sleep, not being able to think or focus, drifting from reality, always feeling cold, tingling headaches, not leaving the house for days unless it's for shopping (because I would look at food I couldn't eat).

"I need to stop," I told myself while I wrote in my journal how much better I would be if I lost some more weight because the scale is tempting me.

I didn't want to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

Though in reality, I had no control to stop myself or it. I had lost control long ago, and to this day, I still have no idea at which chapter I left it behind. Some days I thought of how to stop, but the exit sign was more like a full-stop as it led me to think of killing myself: it would make my family stop commenting on my condition and could give me a sense of freedom even though I would be dead.

It surely wasn't the first time I passed that exit sign in life, but it was the first time I felt determined to pass it by. All I wanted was to be able to sleep peacefully without thinking of food. *Snort*, such high standards.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟓: 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬

Unexpectedly, a good dream did cloud over my bedroom. Even though it was simple, it's one of the dreams that I hope to keep in my memory forever. And for laughs, I'll share it.

TO1-member Donggeon was standing near my garage but, my mother's car wasn't in the driveway because she wasn't home. I was standing outside with him while he talked with Wei's Donghan (who was invisible to me). They were having a casual conversation in Korean. Then, he wanted to lean against the car that wasn't in the driveway, causing him to fall on all fours. He laughed at his stupidity and, at the same time, his ears were getting red from embarrassment.

That pretty much sums up the first not-food-related dream I had during my entire journey. And I still remember waking up at 3:20 am, laughing: it was stupid and silly but left such a big impression on me. And that's when I told myself: "I need to recover".

It sounds silly but I still, to this day, think that this dream set me off into recovery mode. Even though I felt like I had no control, I tried to take control: calculated a number of calories that I surely had to eat each day, planned Thursday to be my active rest-day, found less intense workouts to do in the morning, tried to replace the mukbangs in my watch later list by relaxing videos or recovery videos, scheduled to journal every day. Though I told myself I would do those things, it wasn't easy to put my words into action.

Yet, I fucking did it.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟔: 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Not going to lie: I spent all night wondering how I was going to write this and all morning putting it into proper words. Hence, the reason why I'm feeling exhausted: too exhausted to continue writing it even though the blooming period is so close. So instead of giving a lecture on recovery: I will try to give my opinion on recovering and how I'm doing these days.

Each day, I still question whether I'm truly in a recovery of something. I never went to see a professional or verbally admitted to my problems, so I never learned whether I'm recovering from something or just making progress after a downfall. I might be familiar with the use of DSM-4 and DSM-5 but, that doesn't mean I'm qualified to judge on whether I had/have a disorder or not. Yet, I opt to use the terms disordered eating and recovery until I'm sure of what it was that I went through.

Some days it feels like I was faking all of it, but then I realise, how was I faking it while I was going through it and experiencing it? Perhaps some of you reading even think I am faking all of the above, but that's your opinion. I don't need to defend myself for feeling things.

Now, I'll update you on where I'm standing today because I guess I wrote six chapters in order to get to this point. We all know I like to write more than necessary.

⋅ My disordered eating habits and calorie intake: I have made quite some progress (even if I say so myself). Each week, I challenge myself to increase my calorie intake by 100 until I reach my maintenance calories. It isn't as easy as it sounds because by the time I actually dared to increase by ten calories, the week is over, and I have to adjust my goal because I wasn't even able to reach close to where I planned to be. This week my goal is to eat 800 calories a day: a number that unexpectedly is paired with a lot of guilt and fear, so I haven't been able to eat that amount yet. The maximum I've eaten is 641 calories a day. Together with that, I also promised myself to eat one fear food or not-eaten food a week: that way, I hope to stop restricting myself and learn to enjoy them again. Some lasting habits I developed: I fear eating too early and will try to push back eating as late as I can because it gives me the feeling that I can enjoy it for longer but I do have strict hours, I cut everything into mini pieces because it gives me the feeling that I have more to nibble on and more to enjoy, I read every single nutrition label multiple times (in the store and at home) because I fear that it might include too many calories or fat, I don't eat anything that I didn't plan and nothing that I can't track calorie-wise, I eat the same thing for breakfast every day because I feel like it's the only food I can trust. The urge to skip meals or lie about them is getting smaller, but the thought always remains in the back of my mind.

⋅ My weight: I'm at a weight that is still considered healthy according to whoever feels qualified to judge. However, I fear gaining weight every single day, which stops me from eating my weekly allowance. Despite eating more than at the start of this: I still lose weight. The weight loss fuels the bad habits once more, but I try to tell myself that my weight is only to indicate whether I'm close to my maintenance calories or not.

⋅ My body: my body kept most of its side effects inside until I started to recover aside from the ones that I've stated before. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't feel cold despite wearing a shirt only, so that was a win for my body. However, I do have constant headaches, get blackouts often and, I easily feel my energy draining whenever I do a little bit too much (which I didn't always feel when I was actively doing it). That being said, my abilities have definitely decreased: you can read what kind of exercise I do in the next paragraph, but it has decreased a lot because I will feel weak sooner than before.

⋅ Exercise: I am between struggling and not struggling with it. The reason why I started to exercise was to burn more calories than I ate. But back then, I had no knowledge of BMR and whatnot. These days I do a lot less impactful exercise than I did before, but I still exercise each day: I do 96 minutes of stationary cycling a day, go on daily walks and have the obsession to take steps whenever I'm standing still. As you might be able to tell, I feel like I'm on the line of having control here.

⋅ My personality/social life/hobbies: even though I was in denial about my changing personality for a long while, I eventually realised that people were right when they said I changed. The realisation came during recovery, mostly because I noticed how I was in a better mood than when I was at my lowest point. My social life is building up slowly and doesn't always include me having to talk about my weight loss or food, though people always mention it so, I do always end up having to talk about it without wanting to. As for hobbies, I found my interest in kpop and writing again but, it's still at a somewhat moderate level. I still find myself lurking at food-related posts or triggering things, but I can control myself better and watch some positive videos instead. Aside from that, I journal every day: I write down what I ate, my physical activity, what I saw as memorable in my day, and more.

𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞

That's pretty much all for the life update. I still left out a lot that I failed to remember while writing or felt too tired to write about, and I bet not a lot of you are interested in any of this anyway. I just felt like I owed everyone an explanation of where I've been and why I haven't been reblogging much or writing.

As I've stated a few times before, I don't know yet when I will get back into writing or posting content. And the past months made me realise that it might be good for myself if I take some time away from Tumblr: I won't be able to look for triggering content, won't be able to trigger anyone else on accident and can focus on working towards my goals.

I hate the word hiatus but I think this means that I will be going on semi-hiatus. On good days, I might still come here to talk to my mutuals or reblog some kpop content that I enjoy. But other times, I probably won't respond or interact much as I'm logged out.

For now, my semi-hiatus will continue until mid to end September. This might be shortened or extended depending on my progress and my personal needs.

Have a lovely day, moonflowers! 💌

[gravihtyk]

What happened to my April 2020 Goals: My First Steps to Gaining Weight + My Goals for May 2020

For the month of April, I set three goals for myself:

1. To wake up in the morning each day.

My body clock has been pretty messed up since last year. I've always been a night owl, so when I was reviewing for SOA exam P, I got used to studying all through out the night and going to bed when the sun is almost up. I usually woke up at around 2 in the afternoon. I got enough of sleep and I got enough work done at night, but I missed pretty much most of the day and I felt like my days were going too fast. Last March, in the midst of quarantine and having no classes, I felt worse about my sleeping schedule. I thought waking up super late in the day made me unproductive and still left me feeling like I had no energy. I also felt like I was always running late especially when I had to meet a professor at school or needed to go to the bank. It also made me miss breakfast and lunch and even with that, I woke up not feeling hungry at all. I felt like I was losing weight again and I dreaded it. So I made myself wake up in the morning all through out April, still not early in the morning but at least before noontime, so I can do (and eat) more during the day.

2. To eat breakfast everyday.

As I've already mentioned, I kept skipping my breakfast because of my bad sleeping schedule before April. I know that breakfast literally means breaking your fast from sleeping, so any meal you eat after you wake up from a long sleep is your breakfast. But in March, I would wake up not feeling hungry at all so I didn't eat anything immediately and sometimes I didn't notice the time, it would already be dinnertime for my family and that's only when I would remember to eat. I was like doing intermitent fasting without even trying. I didn't get to eat 3 meals a day at all. I only ate twice and sometimes once a day, and it left me feeling so weak, all I wanted was to lay in bed all day. I often got headaches as well. So when April came, I told myself that I need to fix this problem if I wanted to gain weight. I have to eat after I wake up in the morning, fill my stomach with something and be energized for the day.

3. Eat 3 meals a day.

I realized that one reason why I did not feel hungry even when I missed meals was because I had no appetite. Even when I ate, even when the food used to be my favorite, even when it was so tasty, I could only eat a small amount. I told myself, this can't be. I have to eat a lot to gain weight. It had been like this for a long time now. I didn't get hungry after I woke up, I didn't get hungry when it was the usual time for a meal like during lunchtime. And I realized that it was because I wasn't always eating my meals on time and I kept missing meals. I did a lot of searches related to appetite on Google and Youtube and in every article or video that I read or watched, it was recommended to eat on a schedule so that your body gets used to it that when the time comes when you usually have a meal, you will feel hungry and you will have the appetite to eat. So I thought, I have to eat my breakfast, lunch and dinner on the usual times that most people eat them. But since I only made it a goal to wake up anytime before noon, I was content with setting around noon time as my breakfast time, anytime before evening as my lunch time and evening as my dinner time. I also only made myself eat 3 main meals even when it's usually recommended to eat more often throughout the day for weight gain (I eat some snacks too, I made myself a meal plan which I'll share to you soon!), because I thought that I might not be able to eat 4-5 meals a day since I was still used to eating twice a day, I might not be able to reach that goal. So I set a reasonable and achievable goal for myself.

The month had come to an end, it's actually already May 1st when I'm writing this, and I'm glad to say that I'd been pretty much consistent in working on my goals. I tracked my progress using the Habit app on my phone.

As you can see, I only really started getting consistent on April 12, because that was when I started my meal plan and I told myself that to be able to stick with my meal plan and eat everything in it, I had to wake up early to be able to eat my 3 meals, which were basically already my goals. I didn't do them every single day (some days I forgot to track them too 😅) but I'm already happy that I did them on MOST days. I also hadn't been waking as early as I wanted to. Although I didn't make it a goal to wake up early, I set my alarm clock at 9am every single day because to me that was an ideal time to wake up, but I just turn the alarm off and close my eyes again, promise to just get the dryness out of my eyes then I'll get up from my bed but I usually fall back to sleep. 😅 I'd get up right before noontime or when I wake up and it's past 11, I usually turn to my phone and check social media until it's way past noon and I'd only get up when I remember that I have a meal plan to stick to and goals to accomplish. It's been like that the past few days, but for the most days, I was successful in getting up before 10am.

There were days that I wasn't able to eat 3 meals, but note that what I consider my meals are the meals in my meal plan. So if I didn't eat the lunch that's in my meal plan because I got so full from the food that isn't in my meal plan that my mother gave me (like bananacue and boiled potatoes 🤤), then I skipped lunch even when there was an alternative. (Also, if you're Filipino, you know that any meal without rice is not considered a meal. 😂)

I was most successful in eating breakfast each day. There was just a day that I stayed too long in bed after waking up so I didn't consider that I ate my breakfast that day even when I did, a punishment for not getting up immediately. 😅

I'm honestly kind of still disappointed about myself for not doing all these every single day but as I've told myself before, this is enough. I have actually already made it a habit to wake up in the morning and eat my breakfast and I have an appetite and these are all that matters. My end goals are to wake up early and to eat my meals to gain weight, and I'm happy that I know I'm getting there already. I think what hugely contributed to my success is that I set achievable goals for myself. I didn't ask myself to wake up at 7am. I didn't ask myself to eat 6 meals a day. I didn't ask myself to gain these many pounds in a month. I made myself took baby steps instead of long strides that don't last that long because they're just very hard to do when you still have short limbs. I also looked for the root of my problems. I couldn't eat a lot so I couldn't gain weight, but that was because I didn't really have an appetite. I couldn't eat at least 3 meals a day, but that was because I wake up so late. So I worked on my appetite and getting up in the morning.

I've realized many things in the month of April and I'm definitely going to take those lessons with me through the month of May to be able to achieve my new goals.

For the month of May, I want to:

1. Wake up and get up from bed earlier, before 10am.

Having my lunch and dinner almost right after the other keeps my stomach very full and I feel uncomfortable. So I'd have to get up earlier so as to have more time in between my meals for my food to get digested properly.

2. Be more consistent in eating 3 meals a day.

I just hope I have all the foods and ingredients I need for my meal plan all the time. If that doesn't happen often, then I'd have to settle with alternatives, especially to my ulams, but I'll make sure I eat a full cup of rice every lunch and dinner.

3. Workout each day.

I know this might seem excessive but I want to try the 30-day ab workout challenge and see if it really works. Eating more food has me feeling bloated most of the time and I think doing ab workouts helps with that, so I'll try doing it everyday for 10-20 minutes. I'll also be dedicating alternate days for upper body and lower body workouts.

I hope to develop better habits this May and get nearer my goals. I also wish you success in your own journey, whatever that may be. Let's keep working hard and striving for the best for ourselves. 💕