#i'm not doing too great mentally/emotionally right now

[emometalhead]

are you doing okay emotionally?

No ♡

[slickchickchocolatier]

Mermaids Tale FINALE!

It's here! so a quick note before you start reading, this originally had alot more to it and was going to be split into three finale parts (and eventually i will revise and do that) but i'm on a time crunch because i have to start preparing for school and there's so much work to be done (all the one shots and ofc HHP and TO) so i'm trying to get everything finished before i take a break to focus on classes and not leaving my wonderful readers dry with ongoing works, not to mention some family trips coming up is also going to take away my time from writing. This chapter is still good and has all the meat and potatoes, just...i wanted it to be way longer and add more to it. But alas! here's to another end of a great series (i really do love this series) sorry it's not proofread (i really wanted to but again...time is not on my side atm) I gotta get ready for TO and finish these one shots!

Warnings: Okay, seriously, this piece has some very extreme non/dub con content, so please please please if that stuff makes you uncomfortable in any way, do not read. As you all may know, yandere's have many methods in emotionally/mentally detaining their darlings, and sometimes (usually the westernized and more modern yandere traits) show yanderes physically altering/maiming their darlings from escaping (such as cutting off limbs) but i opt for the traditional yanderes that don't have any intentions of seriously hurting their darlings (not in that way) but they are still crazy and violate some aspects of human rights, non/dub con is the method they normally resort to in 'taming' their darlings and this chapter has that (a bit more strongly than what i've written thus far) so please do not read if this makes you uncomfortable. There are also mentions of murder, isolation, and kidnapping (you know...traditional yandere stuff) but i promise, regardless of what is mentioned, this is a good read. Please enjoy.

The two Adams engrossed themselves into a stare down, leaving you at a blind sight behind Heeseung while he stood as the blockade between you and the unfamiliar Adam. Their manner in communication became evident that the two knew each other, but how? 

“Move aside, Heeseung.”

Heeseung didn’t move. He stood steadfast as his jaw clenched, he wasn’t going to let anyone come near what was his.

“I said move, boy! Or else—“

“Or else what?”

The man scoffed out a semi defeated breath. “Feeling brave? Or are we just putting on a show for the oceanic Angel?”

“She’s not yours. She never was.” Heeseung smirked out as he crossed his arms. You remained cornered, confused as you gazed on Heeseung’s backside while the other Adam looked over in your direction. His eyes were dark and rather desperate, desperate for you. Meanwhile, Heeseung remained composed and entirely too confident in his demeanor, what did he have up in his sleeve that would allow him to be so poised and relaxed when another Adam was vying for your ownership? You hated the thought of it but let’s be honest, that’s exactly what was happening before your own eyes. 

“Tell you what grandson—“

Grandson?

“Let’s make a deal; you leave now, and I’ll give the entire rights to the corporation in your name. From there, you can have electric men under your thumb to search and scour every part of the world and bring back all the Sirens you want. You can have them all. Just leave this one with me, everything else will be yours. Deal?”

Heeseung remained with an everlasting smirk presently ingrained on his youthful face. “A deal, huh?” He calmly starts out with, seemingly considering what his so-called grandfather was pitching. Was he actually going to toss you off to this man? Why can’t they just leave you alone? You’ve done no harm to anyone, all you wanted, more than anything on this world, was to be free and swim off into the ocean. The waters your ancestors were born in, just a few hundred feet out from the beach rental you seemed to be stuck in. 

“I don’t make deals. At least not anymore.” Heeseung’s tone grew wild with fury, his eyes darken and all lustful glaze disappeared as the matte black coloring took over, igniting a demonic appeal. 

“What is wrong with you?! Are you fucking insane?! Heeseung!” His grandfather spat out of rage, completely dissatisfied with Heeseung’s tone. 

“Yeah…I am.” Heeseung calmly denotes as his dark chuckle continues to grow into a crazed laughter. “I am so fucking insane, you have no idea! Ah fuck…” biting down on his lowe lip, he slurps in the bit of drool that leaks out; his appearance became too menacing for you to handle, so you shoved your face into the corner of the wall and cradled your sight from looking much longer at his face. The tone of his words weren’t very pleasing, despite covering your ears, you picked up everything he said. 

With his arms still crossed, he elevates his hand, spreading his fingers violently as he buries his face into the palm, dragging it downward. He looked like a madman, so sadistically frightening as one eye peels through his knuckles. “I’m soooooo insane…because of her…I’ve thought of things that have never crossed my mind before. Because of her…I am willing to use my capabilities, not to help others, but to protect her instead—to keep her…ravish her…love her and thrust into her until she tastes every inch of me…to the point where she will someday share my level of insanity.”

What is he saying? You couldn’t believe your ears, this man has gone completely mad! You panicked as your body trembles, it was almost as if you had to root for the lesser of two evils, but you weren’t entirely sure which one of them was it. Was Heeseung’s grandfather? The man who looked dull compared to his grandson, who stood laughing maniacally, oozing out words that distinguished great mental distress for you. 

“SHE…will be the only thing I live for…I’ll die for her, kill for her, I’ll skin the entire world alive just only for her…..what a fucking idiot you are, for ever thinking that a handful of Sirens weee ever worth trading her in. You could promise me an entire ocean filled with them and I still wouldn’t ever give her up…she’s nothing like the rest….she’s nothing like I ever seen…and she’s all mine.” 

Heeseung turns to face you, at that moment you started to hyperventilate. His gaze was all too much, and you couldn’t bear the thought of what he had in mind to do to you. “All…fucking…mine…from the moment we first touched…” he takes his steps closer, you panicked. “Get away! Stop!” 

His voice remains calm and tender as he continues to pierce your personal space. “From the moment we shared voices at that karaoke bar…”

“Stop!”

“And from the moment…I saw your face when—“

His words came to a pause, or rather, it was all replaced by a loud groan of anguish and pain. You looked up to see the other Adam, his grandfather, standing off to the side with the lamp post in hand. He had struck his own descendant, yet the expression of his actions quickly made you realize that he too, was afraid of the repercussions. He’s never seen his own relative like this, despite being an Adam himself, he never once became the way Heeseung had. It was enough for him to gain courage, and for once, gaining the intention to help release you rather than just keeping you for yourself. Sure, there was generations of instinctive nature between Adams and Sirens; the former being the most dominant and yearning of two, and while Sun Juan felt it within his heartbeat to keep and touch you, he was nowhere malicious enough to develop murderous habits as his own grandson spoke of. “Run…” he tells you. Shaking as he arms himself with the lamp post, while Heeseung stumbles towards the wall, gripping onto his head. “I said fucking run! Do you want him to catch you?!” 

His voice was urgent, sending shivers to your spine as you quickly got up and exited the rental. Running through the hall, you leave behind a scuffling scene with the sound of masculine groans and shattered glass. As far as you were concerned, the two could fight it off and take their time with it, this was your chance to run…run to the sea. 

You burst through the front door, and climbed down the wooden stairway, making a rounded turn as you ran outside the frontal perimeter of the beach house. You reach the back end, and there over yonder, you could hear just as clearly as you could see, was the raging water calling your name. You shuffle off your sneakers, and stripped off your blouse as you ran through the repeated mounds of sand. The sight of sea foam becomes clearer the closer you edge on to the shallow water. You could smell the salty air, the scene was exactly the way you remembered so long ago when you first visited…when you first found out what you really were. 

Almost there.

So close, the dampened sand squished in between your toes and you could feel that tingly sensation come through. The nerves in your legs become blazed with overwhelming heat and pressure, it was discomforting and painful, just the way you remembered. You lose balance, and your legs become numb and weak; the denim of your jeans shred and tear as the dazzling scales reappear. After so many years, for the first time since your 15th year, you were  changing back into the maiden of the sea. The remnants of your attire shred to pieces, and you discard what was left until nothing clothed you. Unable to walk, you edged closer to the deeper end as you used your upper body strength, and dig your fingers in the sand as you crawled towards the roaring waves, dragging your mermaid tail behind. Your fingers feel the smooth and flourishing rush of water feeding under your palms, easing your migration to the deep end. The image of your mother appears before your eyes. 

Mama…I’m coming…I’m coming to find you.

……………….

“Gotcha!”

You screamed as you felt the sudden tug on your tail. A strong grip punches your scales as the weight climbes up towards your hips, waist, and rests around your shoulders. “Aaaaaah!!!! Stop!!! Let me go!!! Get off!! You can’t do this to me!!! Let me go!”

You feel yourself being lifted from the sandy shoreline, carried princess style as you are left helpless and immobile. The tipped edge of your tail fin drags against dry sand, indicating that you were being taken farther and farther away from the ocean front. You could feel the sensation of your nerves coming back to you as the scales on your bottom region start to dry up, telling you that you were soon changing back to your normal state. With pitiful sobs, you each across his broadened chest as he cradles you forcefully in his arms. You loop one arm around his shoulder while your free hand reaches out and grabs the air while the view of the shore slowly disappears. 

“Please…..please let me go…let me go home….”

………………….

A year had nearly passed since the event of Heeseung’s duel with his grandfather, who had been dead since that night. You never inquired about how it all went down, after you rushed out of the house, all you knew was that the harrowing events from being taken from the sea, you learned that Heeseung had made special preparations in not only taking over his grandfather’s legacy, which included his entire corporation, but to eradicate all those closest to him. His great-grandfather, as you later learned.

You never met his brothers, since they too were Adams, Heeseung had taken precautionary measures to send them on assignments overseas once he manipulated the legal documents to have everything assigned under his name. His father, brothers, and the rest of the males that shared the same bloodline, all sent and kept far away from you. No one…was allowed to look, to touch, or to even dream of you. 

……

“You’re all mine…now say it.”

As his words echo throughout your brain, you fall down in memory lane and recall the image of what you saw in the mirror that very night, after Heeseung dragged you away from the ocean waters, past the corpse of his mangled grandfather, and right into the shower.

That night…..

……………

“Please let me go! Let me go! You can’t do this!”

You grab onto whatever your fingers grazed as Heeseung carried you back inside the beach rental. The view of blood splatter on the walls told you of a brutal fight, one that ended with the elder Adam laying breathlessly on the floor. The sight of it all caused you to panic and about once more. “Let me go! I don’t want this! Let me go, I want to be free!” 

By the time he enclosed you both in the shower room, your tail dried out, leaving you entirely nude as your legs returned. You cover yourself as you crawl against the sink cabinet, covered in semi-dried sand with your hair sticking to skin. You cry as you hear the latch of the door is set to lock, with Heeseung blocking it. He doesn’t say anything, at least not immediately. He looks over his shoulder and walks over to the elaborate stand in shower, surrounded by the glass wall. He turns the faucet and sets the water just at the right temperature; the screeching of the faucet dial causes you to look over, and to your horror you watch as Heeseung removes his own blouse, leaving only his wet jeans to remain as he flexes his abdominal muscles. 

Once again, you hyperventilate as you dread what he was about to do. “No please….please…please don’t do this.”

He ignores your please and didn’t even bother to look your way, instead, he places his hand under the sprinkled rain drops under the shower head, savoring the warm temperature. “Come here darling…let’s get all that sand off you.” 

You tucked your face away against the wooden cabinet door, when you hear his foot steps grow closer, followed by his harsh grip around your nude body. Still too weak from the transformation, you couldn’t stand let alone walk or run. You sobbed against his bare shoulder as you felt him lift and carry you over to the glass box. He sets you down on the tiled floor, recognizing that you were unable to flee. It only made this easier for him. 

You lay mercilessly on the floor as the water washes over your body, your hair pooling around you gracefully. The sound of his zipper drawing downward, while the buckling of his belt loosens made you wince in fear as the weight of damp denim plops down on the floor became the icing on the cake. 

“Please…” 

Again, he ignores your pleas. You feel yourself being lifted from the tile floor and pressed against the glass, chest forward with his body plastered to your backside. You felt the warm droplets coating your skin, and his warm hands roaming every inch of your nude frame. He tenderly moves the wet pieces of your hair away from your neck, and latches his mouth on. Indulging the savoring sweetness of water and your own skin, he remains glued to you, all the while his hands continue to rub your waist and hips. He takes the girth of his shaft in hand, and begins stroking it as it pokes your derrière, causing you to cry hysterically as you felt the motions of his palm moving up and down. Releasing your neck, he finally decides to speak.

“How do I even begin to tell you…how often I’ve thought about you like this?” He breathes out heavily as he buries his face against the nook of your neck, taking your breath away as the sensation of his lashes, the tip of his nose, and his pursed lips pressed against your skin…it felt so…

“I’ve only known you for such a short amount of time…yet you had such an effect on me…you became the only thing I could think about…breathe in…and spit out.” He over exaggerates an inhale as he sniffs your skin, dragging his nose tip along your neckline, right up to your jaw, all the while he continues to stroke his lengthy member as it remains pressed against the plumpness of your rear end. “How do I tell you?….how?”

Your cries soften, maybe it was the way his tender words came out; so soft and calm through that deep and sensual voice of his. Perhaps it was the way he was touching you, a sensation you only felt with him, despite your reluctance, yet it felt like a blessing to your curse. No man could make you feel, make you realize or yearn, just his. To  feel skin…to feel warmth of someone else’s body, or the shrilled coldness of their hands. To feel their lips as they adorn you with kisses, or the feeling of their breaths coating your ear when they whisper into it. To feel all of this for the first time, from not feeling pain, pleasure, or touch, to feeling it all at once it was…it was…

“I-I don’t know..I don’t know how…” you whimpered out as you find yourself submissively falling for his touch. “Please….don’t…” you beg one last time, giving it your last shot to stand strong, yet the soft desiring tone of your voice made it obvious—you already lost. 

“Come here baby, let me show you.”  He whispers from the side of your cheek, before he tilts you to look over shoulder and kisses you. The thick and lengthy muscle migrates from your rounded cheeks and probes through your thighs. Devouring you into a fierce kiss of hunger, you feel the rounded, bulbous tip of his cock breaching your entrance. You gasp out of the striking sting of pain as he pushes…more…and more. Finally, the tip breaks through and enters. With just the tip inside, the right sensation of your walls squeezing the life out of his head was already overwhelming and sensational. So much, that he had to pause and take a moment to gasp out his oncoming climax. “Fuck…” he breathes out heavily, all the while you remain in his right grasp wincing and trembling in pain. “You feel better than I imagined…how am I going to fuck you properly when you feel this good?”

“D-don’t…dont…” you gasp out as the pressure cause you to become incoherent. 

“Hm? Tell me how.” He antagonizes, finding his motivation and senses coming back as he hears your helpless and whimpering pleas. It all fueled him to get more out of you. “Tell me how baby…” 

He begins thrusting the remaining length of his shaft inward. He had intentions of starting slow and gentle, considering you never once felt the touch of someone’s fingers let alone tasting cock for the first time, but he couldn’t contain himself anymore. The screams of your beautiful voice bouncing off the tiles as he thrusted the leaked pre-cum to glaze your walls made it all too much for him to take things slow. No, he had to go in hard, deep, and fast…he needed to fuck you. It was in his nature, he needed to breed with you, dip deep into your belly where he was going to release his entire lust and create the product of his love for you. 

For you, the sensation started out too conflicting. Initially, you were disgusted and angered by the fact that the man had restrained and forced you into this, yet the feeling of touch…something your cursed lineage prevented you from indulging, was starting to make you feel differently about him. The feeling of touch, skin on skin contact was already something you hadn’t gotten used to, but to feel it from the inside…to feel his own extremity pulsate, throb, and twitch inside your womanhood as the faint remnants of first blood dripped down into the drain. The sting of pain and discomfort fades, and you feel a tingle knot formulate. There was an intense pressure in between the folds of your cavity, something that was only satisfied as he took each thrust and pelted you with his violating member. It felt glorious, of all the sensations you could feel for the first time, this was something that, now you’ve experienced it, couldn���t live without. No matter how rough, dementing, and crazy he was, you couldn’t help but yearn more for his touch, his licks, and those devouring kisses. He leans in, pressing your breasts and palms agains the glass wall, and there before you was the large mirror hovering above the sink. It displayed the reflected image of your united silhouettes behind the steamed glass; his shadow showing the motions of what he was doing from behind, as he thrusted and held onto you tightly. The nipples of your breasts and prints of your fingers were the only thing that could be made out clearly as they smudge and smear the glass, succumbing to the bouncing motions of his sickening pumps of cocking you. 

You weren’t sure how you felt about the reflection, normally, you would have cried and shuttered your sight away from it, but the longer you admired it, the more it caused you to feel….strange…almost funny….like you wanted to watch…you wanted to see more…you wanted him to do more…it was an internal feeling you’ve never felt in your life, yet here it was overcoming your better senses. You found that, in this moment, nothing mattered to you anymore. You didn’t care about preserving your pureness, about escaping, about your freedom…you didn’t care. Perhaps you’ll regret saying that after he’s had his fille with you, but for now, all you could think about, was…

“Ah! Oh….oh God!”

“Yeah?” he pants vigorously as he hastens his thrusting motions. “You like how that feels baby?”

“Mmmmm……y-yes…p-please!” 

“Please what?” 

“Please….m-more…more! Please….do more….please don’t stop…whatever it is you’re doing….d-don’t….stop….dont ever stop…” 

He buries his nose into your neck and kisses you with the most tenderness since having you in his grasp.The way you breathed out, with your voice echoing in his ear, begging for him to merge with you forever…it was all he wanted. It’s all he needed. It was all he lived for.

You dont know how it was possible, but he quickens his thrusts yet again, the sound of skin on skin slapping rigorously, with splats of water droplets flying all around as he continued to fuck the leakage of his essence inside you under the rainfall shower head was something you never knew you’d cherished and desired. 

He goes faster…deeper….harder. “Oh fuck.”

“P-please!” faster..

“Shit…y/n…” deeper…

“Oh my God what is happening!!” you scream as you feel a rage of nerve pinching pleasure that causes you to slide against the glass. In fact, had it not been for his hold on you, you would have fallen long before when he first started pelting you with his length. You jolt upwards, yet his grip ceases you from leaping too far; he wasn’t ready to take it out, not yet. “Shh…take it baby… just like that.” 

You whimper out climatic moans as your toes curl against the hard tile. What was this feeling? What just happened? What was this heated warmth that leaked out of you? This sensation? What was it that you felt filling your gut? 

Your breasts squeak against the glass as you slide all the way down, He barely has the strength to hold your waist, shaking at the knees while he releases inside your walls. His groans calm to a deep whimper as he breathes against the back of your neck. He finally did it. He finally became one with the love of his life. 

……………………

You snap out of the memory as you hear him enter the bedroom. He comes in quietly, giving you an adorn gaze as he removes his blouse and tosses it over the lavish seating chair. He reaches up, and unties his black tie, lids growing heavy as he looks with an endearing expression. It was a look that triggered another memory, one that occurred some time after he took your virginity and made you feel touched in a way that you never knew existed…

………..

“Crying again? It’s been months now, do you plan to cry forever?” 

“Please…I just….I just want to be free again….why does it have to be this way?”

“I told you darling, you can be free from the chains when you learn to behave.”

“But….I…I dont….I can’t….Heeseung please….”

“Come on, remember all the times that I made you feel good? You like it when I do that, dont you?”

“Stop! Please, I dont want that right now. I want to be free. I want my old life back.”

“Baby…i told you. You belong to me…you are all that i’ve got…and I’m all that you have.” 

You remember how his words cut you deep, causing you to cry not because of fear, but because of the truth behind them. He was right…so right. 

“You lived your entire life with multiple identities to keep your lineage a secret. To protect your parents, siblings, and yourself. By doing so, you cut ties with your brothers, your father passed on, and your mother is lost at sea….you have no one, darling. Just me. And you truly love me, you just don’t realize it yet, which is why you have to stay locked up for a while.”

He rubs your hair in between his fingers, slowly raising it to his nose as he gently inhales the scent. He rubbed the smoothness of your strands against his cheek, indulging you, as always, giving you the same look…that he was giving you right now. Except now…there were no chains…no locks…no barred windows and concrete walls. There were no steel doors and sound proof glass. Now, you were a doll living in a life of silk and chiffon, dazzled by this man’s affection. You were always under his watchful eye, and forever entrusted by his top guards whenever he wasn’t present. You were his…all his. After a year of emotional and mental torment, you gave up and realized that, not only was he right about having only him, but he was the perfect match for you. An Adam…with the gift of longevity and supernatural abilities in the water, which only meant that whether it be land or sea, you were never far from his reach. He would always find you, and bring you back. You’ll never know what became of your mother, if she was still roaming the sea for you and her ancestors, and you’ll never know how your brothers are doing, because the world is no longer yours. You were a pearl trapped inside a shell, forever protected deep inside a sea of warmth and comfort, his comfort. Leaning against you, he pulls your backside against his chest and embraces you, as he does every night. Kissing your neck, he chuckles as he breathes over your ear. Faintly pointing over towards the opened cracked window, with the curtain dancing against the breeze, he whispers…

“Can you hear the ocean, my darling Siren?” 

Perm Taglist:

@enheene , aiden2001 , heeseung-min , lathan1510 , rayofsunshineeee , @hoyeonheeseung , @rayofsunshineeee , @yohanabanana , @sunoosrightbuttcheek , @jaeneohee , @icydawon , @silcry , @iamliacamila , @nikstrange , @enheene ; @nuriicata , @en-happiness ; @ayyow811 , @kaykay11sworld , @ophelie245

[pastryland]

f1 completed fic recommendations

Lestappen | Landoscar | Maxiel | Dando | Charlos | Brocedes | Carlando | Piarles | Galex | Sebchal

F1 fics are the main reason I got into this fandom and I figured I should share some (or so so many) fics that I like. While I do primarily follow Lando/Oscar and Charles/Carlos, I do read fics from other ships especially if they're from an author I like or the concept is interesting.

I have way too many fics (100+ though not all are completed) bookmarked so I'll just share my absolute favorites on this post and link posts of individual ships on their own posts. Also, I will continually keep updating this post and the other ones as fics complete and I read more.

If any of the authors of the fics mentioned here or are tagged and don't want their fics to be here, please let me know and I'll remove it!

❤️ = favorite

⭐️ = I love fics by this author in general

❌ = triggering themes

🔥 = explicit

Absolute Favorite Fics:

the trials of 2022 - 33k - Charles Leclerc/Carlos Sainz Jr - ❤️ ⭐️ 🔥

A partial summary of the 2022 season, as told by Charles or Carlos, following each race.

This would be my all-time favorite F1 fic if I had to choose, only rivaled by its currently unfinished sequel and the second fic here. Charles's and Carlos's relationship in this fic is so organic and realistic and the chemistry is incredibly tangible. The angst, tension, the emotion in this fic is delectable, beautiful writing by @/f1-stuff. Even if you aren't into this ship, I implore you to try this fic out.

the end of the strain - 19k - Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg, Lewis Hamilton/Sebastian Vettel - ❤️

They didn't end up together in the end, which he had already prepared for in his heart.   Lewis, in seven parts.

For the first time ever reading any fic of any fandom, I had to lie on the floor for a couple minutes to process the emotional damage this fic gave me. The characterizations of all the people are on point and the relationships are heartbreaking and devastating in all the right ways. If you want to cry or lie on the floor and contemplate love like I did, this is the fic for you.

Negative Splits - 10k - Lando Norris/Oscar Piastri - ❤️ ⭐️

So officially, Oscar Piastri, pretty good steepler and pretty bad pacer, was now a professional runner. They wanted him to steeple, mostly, though he’d be doing cross country in the fall, and Lando had pinky promised him, mid-distance guy to mid-distance guy, that if he wanted to get into the 3k flat indoor then he would get him in. Oscar didn’t really want to ask how he planned on doing that. Felt safer not to ask.

@/ocontraire is the queen of Sports AU's for the F1 boys (go check out her other fics too! They're also incredible). As an athlete myself, the mentalities of both Lando and Oscar are relatable to me, though I'm also fascinated by the differences in various sports. This fic is certainly on the more lighthearted side (emotionally at least) and I thoroughly enjoy Lando and Oscar's friendship/relationship and its development.

induction, consolidation, maintenance - 6k - Pierre Gasly/Charles Leclerc - ❤️ ❌

In which Charles is sick, Pierre is desperate, and he wishes he didn't have to do what he's doing to pay for Charles to have a chance.

Piarles is certainly not a ship that I read often, but this fic caught my eye and I'm certainly glad that I read it. Pierre's and Charles's relationship is quite cute, though I mainly love Pierre's desperation to save Charles no matter what. He is willing to do anything, the world could burn for all he cares, to make sure Charles is healthy again and it got me heavily in the feels.

glitch - 26k - Max Verstappen/Charles Leclerc - ❤️ ⭐️

Max hums. “Well, at least that means I won’t bump into Charles Leclerc again.” “Bummer, really,” Daniel says, moving back to his own seat and drinking the little bit of coffee that was still in the cup. “Could’ve been the start of a great love story.” Lando snorts. “Kids, it all started when I told your father, who had won two World Driver Championships at that point, that he sucked at driving.” Max sticks his middle finger up at them, and pulls his noise canceling headphones back over his ears. Only two hours left to go, he thinks, wistfully, and goes back to work.

I mainly read @/nyoomfruits's fics because of Landoscar, though this Lestappen fic took me completely by surprise. I adore the romcom vibes of this whole fic and Daniel and Lando are so hilarious and chaotic. Max's personality fits so well in this fic as an unbothered IT guy, but completely loses his composure when he meets Charles, his favorite F1 driver.

[reimeichan]

It's really fun to explore what it means to be "parts of a whole" for myself! I find myself relating less and less to people who view their alters as separate individuals much the same way most singlets would view other singlets. Even if we have our individual names and identities, I don't think of myself as like... multiple people sharing a body, I guess. To me I flow in between all these various identities that I can put on and off. Kinda like how people may have a home self and a work self. Or multiple online accounts that aren't connected to each other. Like, none of these selves are more or less real, they're all just aspects of the same self.

Plus.... as a DID alter, it gives me a lot of comfort to know that I don't have to do everything by myself. In the past, I felt like I had to be the alter who drives and the alter who cooks and the alter who goes to work and the alter who socializes, because that's what would be expected of a singlet, right? But I'm not a singlet. I'm a piece of the person that is Reimei, and it's okay if I can't do all of that. I know there are aspects of me who can do all of that. And I have my own unique skills, too! I'm good at math and reaching out to people for cuddles and playing Pretend and Make Believe (or as some people call it, role playing). And if if it's hard for me to work, I know the bits of me who are good at that who can take care of it. And if I'm struggling doing my chores because I'm emotionally overwhelmed, there are other versions of me better suited for that. Because I'm not the only me here, and that's awesome!

I'm so so proud of how far I've come as a part and as a whole. It's just so natural to move between all these versions of me and to work together day to day, instead of feeling like we're having to be at each others' throats to get what we want. I feel listened to and respected in this system and I know the rest of me does too. I trust them and they trust me. And, better yet, I feel so much better. My life isn't even that great right now (still jobless and financially struggling), but mentally, even when I hit a low I'm no longer struggling like I used to, my lows are fewer and farther between, and my average day is generally a good one. And I think that's a win!

[riverofrainbows]

Ok so the black book episode.

I finally watched it.

It could have done with a double feature. There was so much going on. And it worked, emotionally, but it was a lot. The plot was so fucking condensed.

Fuck when they do something they do it right, don't they. The deaths of the three were fucking harrowing. No fanfare or dramatics, just realistic and dead.

I'm so goddamn impressed by Sophie playing 12 different people. I love her. I know she gets a lot of recognition, but she deserves some more. Holy shit her voice training skills must be off the rocks.

I thought they would have hired Quinn for the police officer, he looked kind of similar, and then i thought it was him and Tara. But with Sophie being on phone theatre, of course Nate was free.

I wonder how fast Sterling figured it out. I think about half a minute into the room with Nate. The rest was just playing along, and hesitating whether to actually go through with the con, while setting up an outcome for both decisions. Usually i really don't think he has it all immediately figured out, but usually he isn't at quite that high alert, and the target isn't that clear and big a deal.

It really should have been a double feature, or a movie length episode. There needed to be more time, to really lay it all out.

I like what they used as the contents and method of collection for the black book. I watched another show (can't remember which) where it was some unsourced collection of various evil people, and that was soo shady and frustrating.

I've come across a bunch of Sterling/Nate shipping by now, and I'm starting to agree. Like that is genuinely a love story for the ages. However i am firmly convinced that it is entirely mental and intellectual. I just really can't see them having any relationship type. Not that Sterling wouldn't fuck Nate but that's just Mark Sheppard's insane gay flirting aura. But mentally, those two are having mind sex, and are tragic soulmate lovers. Also because they have divorced vibes. I'm convinced of the headcanon that they were in a couple friendship driven/held up by their wives socialising, and played 6d time travel chess mind games over barbecue (aka having a mind sex love affair right in front of the salad) (but really low key because they wouldn't actually cheat on their wives).

The way the con failed and they died was really realistic and well done and really stressed me out :(((( not over that.

Also the way this confirmed the Hardison-Eliot ship (platonic or romantic) was. Very much canon thank you. Not to mention the "till my dying day". Like hello??? Also the ice cave and rundown job train scene having already confirmed the depth of Eliot-Parker's bond earlier in the season. (But toxic masculinity and being a show from 2009 impeding the Hardison-Eliot part till the last episode/them dying (rituals to touch other mens skin etc etc flashbacks to superhell love confession sth sth bury your gays (except they lived bitch)).

Also the setup with "do you think you could live a normal life" earlier in the season. Also², annotation to that one: Eliot talking about having to help Hardison's restaurant, as if Hardison didn't buy it for him.

I liked the part about order vs justice. Very 'keeping the peace with an abusive person causing more harm than upsetting status quo'.

It's a good ending for a show. Seriously, it's both end of an era and not destroying everything that was before. Still glad we got leverage redemption tho obviously.

Parker being the new mastermind is great

Her monologue ajsbsjjd. I was cackling so bad. It was a fantastic way to really cinematographically tie up the show though, and she is great for the job. Both Hardison (who already has enough to do) and Eliot (who really doesn't like leading) always get way too deep into stuff, including their respective jobs for it, which is one reason why they're so good though don't get me wrong.

Why did she have slicked back hair with no bangs, and weird eyeshadow :( Awful 1/10. One point for her clearly thinking she needs to put on hair gel for stepping into a Nate role for a con, like that is exactly a logic she would have.

Eliot's blue tinted glasses, love it.

I like that they're not having one of the guys do it just for misogyny reasons, and that at the same time her doing it is very well supported and set up by their characterisations, and not as some sort of disrespectful shoehorned girlboss feminism move. Which ends up with a woman being the new mastermind being actually well done too. Because they never do annoying stereotypes at leverage, and thank fuck for that.

I love that Sterling was there for the last episode. Also, i swear, getting used by Nate for a con (while getting something out of it himself) is a kink thing for him. It happens genuinely almost every goddamn time we see him, while he knows and actively plays along.

I want to see more of Sophies telephone theatre :(

How the fuck did they fake the car accident, they should have shown sth on it.

Only because i knew very securely that they were fine did i not get completely freaked out at Hardison lying there on the ground. And i never ever want to see Eliot gargle up blood ever again. :((((

I was 100% convinced that Parker can hold him with just one hand, i was so shocked. Honestly one of the first clues from the story itself that it was fake. Yes i have that much trust in her. Second clue was the balloon.

No actually, first clue was Nate looking at the cameras. Can't remember which first clue came first in the episode.

I thought Nate gave Sterling something when he distracted him from the trio, and clearly Sterling also thought so, he probably took like several seconds to check if he had gotten anything slipped into his pockets afterwards.

I wish we could have seen more of the "you lied to us?" conversation at the end. Not that that wasn't the tldr of it or needed change, but i want to see the whole conversation.

The tunnels were great. I again wish to have gotten even a crumb more information on that.

It might have done well, and I'm just throwing out ideas here, to be a two parter episode, they could have really used some extra space. The plot was really condensed.

It was q good episode, and a very good ending, something oh so rare in tv shows.

[murfpersonalblog]

IWTV Ep3 Musings - Claudia & Louis (Spoilers)

I'm still teary & choked up while typing this. SUPER emotional episode. It's incredible how much they packed into one ep, too! But the second half of the ep was BY FAR the most emotionally impactful IMO. Jacob's acting is just WAY too good; he had me choking up something fierce.

Louis taking pictures of his food for no effing reason like all the social media girlies do; I love it.

Louis STILL tryna be Claudia's knight in vengeful black. U_U But just like before when he tried to save her from Lestat, he can't save her from Bruce or the Theatre or even his own eff-ups. DANG. 😔

YES YOU DO. If you wanna keep pestering her about trauma she doesn't want to think/speak about, then be prepared for the consequences.

AMC, you GOTTA kill Bruce on-screen for us, either in QotD during all the Burnings, or during the PL trilogy (Killer's death was GNARLY).

LOOK AT MY DAUGHTER ALMOST CRYING RIGHT THERE. God's strongest soldier, she's suffered more than Christ, JUSTICE FOR CLAUDIA. All rapists deserve the death penalty, IDGAF.

Understatement of the century.

I CACKLED at that literal DEMON TIMING. Armand was already AT the door while y'all were concocting your lies! Then he just strolls on in, uninvited! 😭

BULLSH!TE. Not that it matters, since vamps have SUPER-HEARING and can READ MINDS, you morons! Pack your bags and go back to America RIGHT NOW. 💀💀💀

Louis, beloved, bless your heart, but if you don't take your garbage attempts at lying back to NOLA and stop playing with this ANCIENT immortal dressed in all white like the effing BOSS PIMP you USED to be.....

Alpha DADDY Maitre Armand Sir, I take back every bottom Uke Omega joke I ever said about you~! 😍

Yeah, about all that.... 😬

Aaaaannnnnd THIS is where you effed up, Claudia.

And Armand heard the WHOLE THING. 😭

Look at her FACE. 😭😭😭😭

They KNEW she hated being treated as a child, and they KNEW her time was numbered cuz she lied about breaking their Great Laws, so they DELIBERATELY made the "Baby LouLou" role to humiliate her, and EXPLOITED her image to bring in extra revenue (how many BLACK actresses did they ever have in their coven/stage? ZERO); all while KNOWING they were gonna kill her and Louis ASAP.

I hate this Theatre coven with ever fibre of my being, Maitre.

Excellent point, Louis. Cuz I noticed in Ep2 that their apartment is kind of crappy--I assumed it was cheap & low class cuz of the tenants all being college students & sex workers, and I noticed a bunch of chipped paint everywhere; on the doors & walls.

They're slumming it in a studio, sleeping in the living room, as neither has their own room & she has to use a Murphy Bed. Major step below 1132; the exact opposite of how book!Claudia & Lou lived in Parisian opulence--highlighting my point that AMC!Claudia got NOTHING out out being a vampire.

But it's also pointing out how Louis covers all the cracks--in his MIND, in the lies he tells himself, just to live with the glaring problems he desperately wants to cover up & deny.

I'm finna yeet myself out the nearest window.

This is SO bizarre, cuz in this version Lou KNOWS Lestat's not really dead! In the book Lou set him on FIRE. So ofc he'd think Les was really dead. But here it makes no sense why he's carrying all this guilt!

Armand knew Lou & Claudia LIED, sure--but he SHOULD know Lestat's still ALIVE--he's probably chained up in the Theatre basement in one of those friggin "wet room burial vaults!"

THANK YOU.

The guilt is out of control. Louis, if Les couldn't tell you loved him after ALL OF THAT, then he's a effing fool who neither understands nor deserves you. Now go chop his d**k off!

Is that what you tell yourself when DreamStat's in bed with you every night? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I haven't seen mental trauma treated so well in Horror media since Senua's Sacrifice; this is incredible. 👏

Lou, give yourself a bit more credit--you're doing the best you can! :( Even if your best is an entire travesty. U_U

NOBODY TALK TO ME!

Just when I thought she was having a breakthrough, she doubles down on thinking Lestat lied to them about Europe being terrible. 🤦

(The way Lou clutches his pearls like he's having a heart attack--STOP it, ma'am~! 👌) And YES, you should've told her that you folded and spilled the beans to Armand and that she was walking into a trap, WTF!?! 😡

Jacob, your GirlDad is showing; PLEASE have mercy on us! 😭

EMMYS. 👏 GRAMMYS. 👏 OSCARS. 👏 TONYS. 👏

[loudmound]

What don’t you like about the remake? I gotta know

anon i fear you are going to open pandora's box with this question.

since it was revealed in 2022, i will say that my very passionate, fiery, and searing hatred for its very existence has definitely simmered, and what i hold now in my heart for it is a very... cautious disdain.

i'll do my best to break it down for you.

PART ONE: BOOBER TEAM LOL

so... for starters, bloober team, the developers behind the remake, has had something of a muddied history with riding off the coat tails of games past, airlifting concepts from them wholesale, and layers of fear was no different in that respect. there's also the can of worms that is their survival horror title "the medium", which is basically bloober's silent hill 2 before the sh2 remake.

spoilers for the medium, but what can be gleaned from it thematically deeply concerns me as a sh2 fan, i.e. the notion that a victim of csa is simply too far gone and either the player character has to kill her or herself with the adage "you cannot save everyone". not to mention the fact that said victim's abuser was framed in a far more sympathetic light than she was, framing his predatory behavior as a monster controlling him from the inside. it's disgusting and insensitive, simply put.

this theme of "if you're mentally ill or suffer from trauma, you're beyond help and simply better off dead" also appears in their blair witch game, which is... great. from jump, i have had less than favorable opinions on bloober team, not for the quality of their visuals or their gameplay, but what stories they're most interested in telling, and how they go about telling them, exactly.

now, to blanket state that every single person on bloober team are hacks and frauds and don't have a shred of integrity telling the stories that they do would simply be ignorant and incorrect. i wholeheartedly believe that there are individuals working on the sh2 remake right now who want it to be the best that it can be and Very Much Want It To Be Good. it's a shame that these individuals who don't have much in way of creative control are getting thrown under the bus, too.

i can, however, maintain that opinion while also finding their backlog of games prior to the upcoming remake very disconcerting and have that inform my overall level of distrust in their integrity wholesale.

PART TWO: PRESS X TO CRY

i don't think there's anything that makes me more miffed than thinking about when the first remake trailer dropped.

so, we see our friend jim rush into the bathroom, seemingly out of breath, and wash his hands in the sink. we then get a shot of those hands, trembling with fear. he then takes thumb to palm, rubbing circles into them, presumably as a means to soothe himself. we then get him looking into the mirror, seemingly confused and out of place. he touches his face, much like he does in the original.

now, i understand that the notion of jim's emotionality has been a hotly debated topic. some people like it. some people don't. and i'm one of those people who doesn't. at least in this particular vein. in the original sh2, the cold open we get with james slowly approaching the mirror, shrouded in shadow, running his hand over his face as if he doesn't think he's real immediately sets the tone. we don't know who this man is or why he's here. as far as we know, he's just a random guy looking for somebody. namely: We Do Not Know He's Guilty Of Anything.

jim, however, is OOZING of guilt. he literally washes his hands, for christ's sake. anxiously washing his hands of his deed. the fact that it's more obvious that he's a guilty man from the start rather than further re-contextualizing his behavior throughout the narrative and to the reveal is a very classic blooberism.

bloober has a very bad habit of being... heavy-handed when it wants to implicate. saying what something is without saying it outright. this can be found in the most recent release date trailer, where angela desperately tells james that "[she'll] be good for him" ('him' being her sexually abusive dad, of course) in a scene which looks like she's in front of the giant mirror. in the original, it's apparent that Something's happened to her, but we're not sure what until the abstract daddy boss fight later in the game where she says "or you could just force me. beat me up like he always did."

it's not that sh2 wasn't ever blunt or heavy-handed with its storytelling, of course, but it's a matter of when it's appropriate to forego subtlety. eddie, for example, doesn't make vague allusions to or sugarcoat the abuse that he experienced as a fat person, and that's fitting! being candidly violent and more outward in contrast to angela who for the most part is very withdrawn and meek works very well. sometimes, being blunt is the best course of action for optimal characterization/narrative progression.

also, on the topic of jim... i call him jim simply because he does not read as james to me. he's a new individual that's operating within a james-like role; he's just... simply a different person. he's very, very gritty, and VERY visibly neurotic. to me, he's very much anxiety tunnel-visioning: hyperfocused on one thing that everything else seems to fall by the wayside.

i never got the implication that he was dissociating like the original james is, of which i think is a core trait of his, and probably informs a lot of why i do not read jim as james. this is a very take it or leave it kind of opinion, and it's not that i feel super negatively about jim's characterization, either. it's just... idk i don't think screaming and crying while falling to your knees is a very james thing to do. james fell to his knees silently after he screamed, comparatively. shrug.

it's like... james is a herding dog and jim is a sighthound. same animal, different kind.

and then there's maria. but i wrote a whole post on that already, so you can read that here. people have also written numerous think pieces about why her redesign is so nothingburger, too, so i'm not the only one who thinks this way, either.

angela in the remake is alright. i have my gripes, but she's okay. what concerns me the most is the VERY PERTINENT lack of eddie. he has been very notably absent throughout this whole song and dance, and it's getting fucking ridiculous. WHERE IS HE BLOOBER. I KILL ANOTHER HOSTAGE THE LONGER YOU KEEP HIM FROM US.

PART THREE: CONCLUSION, AKA NEVER TRUST A COMPANY WITH YOUR HAPPINESS

all and all, i don't have very high hopes for the sh2 remake, not because it doesn't look good, play good, etc.; the way that a game plays, and even more so how a game looks doesn't matter to me so much as how the narrative is executed. the remake, photorealistically, looks great! the environments are very rich. that's all well and good.

but, again, looks alone cannot sway me. it's nothing that i haven't already seen before done by games past. i'm not excited for a sh2 that looks like a re2r or a re4r, simply put. there was a style developed within the limitations of what the ps2 could handle, and with the massive upscale in technology and photorealism above all else, it's undoubtedly lost. while a matter of taste, of course, i just find myself very straight-faced looking at what teasers we have of the remake. i'm not amazed, nor am i amused! it's as simple as that.

and also, we should mention that at the helm of it all, konami has been milking the silent hill franchise for all it's fucking worth. maybe the members of bloober team are trying to genuinely make a good game for once, but konami wants that money at the end of the day, if the spectacular failures of games past, as well as silent hill themed experiences such as ascension are anything to go by.

also also, this remake is never gonna satisfy every single sh2 fan. that's just the truth of the matter. i think some people are really gonna love it and some are really gonna hate it. realistically, i'll be very meh on it. i can find some things to like about, but that's really it. if i'm cherry-picking things i enjoy about something i'm largely reticent on, i wouldn't call that enthusiasm in the slightest. would you?

anyways, thank you for reading. i hope these answers suffice and satisfy.

[pencilofawesomeness]

What is Twisted Wonderland and how would you sell someone on it?

Ohoho. Ohohohoho. Anon. You have activated my trap card >:D

(I'm about to be soooo annoying/unhinged and I'm sorry. I'm not.)

Alright, so:

Twisted Wonderland is a Disney mobile game made in Japan and co-produced by Aniplex. (Yes, that Aniplex.) I'm not here to sell you on the game, so much as the story, but it is a sort of story-book rpg with turned based fights and rhythm games, where you build character units from a gacha pull. As far as gameplay goes, it's very simple, and most of the emphasis lies on the characters and the story. And it's wonderful.

The on-the-box description of this game doesn't do it justice, per se, but that might be because Disney has a little bit of influence on it and they suck at knowing who their target audience is. It is about a high school based on classic Disney villains—but no, not in the way you're thinking, because I once made that mistake too. It is not a villain school. Rather, the world of Twisted Wonderland is its own entity, with characters built as sort of nods or foils to classic Disney characters. The world itself is somewhat built with these films as its past, and history has become so twisted (ha) that modern society views some of these classic villains as the heroes or supporting characters of their stories, and respect them as The Great Seven. (The seven in question being the Queen of Hearts, Scar, Ursula, Jafar, the Evil/Raven Queen, Hades, and Maleficent. None of them are remembered by name, though.)

The game takes place in the modern era, a society with both technology and magic. Specifically, it takes place in a magic high school called Night Raven College, an all-boys dormitory prep school where the only requirement to get in is a magic mirror that peers into your soul and determines whether or not you can a) do magic and b) kin the Great Seven. And, of course, the player character is a regular-ass human who gets isekai'd in and gets stuck with a talking magic cat direbeast named Grim.

Now. That is the general synopsis. I, on the other hand, affectionately call this the Mental Breakdown game.

See, here's the kicker. The magic system is pretty nifty; while it's functions as a standard magic-is-magic sort of soft system, it has ✨consequences✨

Magic has this byproduct called blot. It's this icky stuff that builds up when you a) use too much magic and/or b) are emotionally distressed. But less so in a "I'm panicked right now" sort of way and more so in a "I have chronic depression and/or anxiety" sort of way. And, when a mage is powerful enough, and sad boi enough, and then goes and uses way too much magic and sad boi juice in one sitting, this amazing phenomenon occurs called "overblot"—which is pretty much a super-powered evil form that turns the mage into the darkest form of themselves and then uses magic until they die.

Naturally, this happens in the game. A lot. The formula is pretty much that each "book" of the story, there is an overblot. One for each of the seven dorms, which are based off of the seven villains/the movies they come from. (And "based on" is pretty loose. Yes you can see the similarities, but these are dumb teenage boys with their own hopes and aspirations, and, sometimes, the game completely lies to you about what character they emulate the most. The guy who's Jafar? Well yes but he's actually just a really stressed out Genie stand in. The Hades guy? Whoops that's Meg. Is that a card soldier or the White Rabbit? Doesn't matter, he's got problems.)

The characters are so well written. I could gush about them forever, and they are the driving points of this plot and it means everything to me. They are some of the most traumatized and messed up individuals, but also, they are dumb teenage boys who do dumb teenage boys things. It is all incredibly well balanced and startlingly realistic for a game that amounts to beating the emotional constipation around people. Mostly because it cannot be beat out of them. The blot can, but they have to deal with their emotions with their own two hands, with varying levels of success.

And the shenanigans!!!! Oh, the shenanigans. I call this the Emotional Trauma game but I have once laughed so hard someone heard me through the floor. It's not all doom and gloom for sure. Sometimes you're watching your friend fall apart because his toxic mother instilled debilitating perfectionism and slowly start making enemies of everyone and sometimes you're sending three of the most gremlin students plus one cinnamon roll to infiltrate a gala that a bunch of weather fairies are throwing in the greenhouse because they stole your temperature regulating magestone to be shiny jewelry and you want it to stop snowing inside your dorm room. And sometimes you can have the exact same character who experienced losing his little brother right in front of him gush about a magical girl sledding anime and all of his gacha games. It is the best of both worlds.

And, that's not all! No, no. We get amazing character interactions. Not just pre-determined friend group interactions, but also random interactions. Yana Toboso (the writer/artist) really likes to stick names in a jar sometimes and make them interact and it is the best thing ever. Every single one of these characters I hold in my hands. Every single one of them gets to have their moment to shine. You can emotionally invest in all of them and be rewarded for it.

The game itself is free and pretty easy to get into. There's not really a bad power creep so you can get through it with what you got. Of course the fun part of collecting cards is that there are stories attached to them that you can watch, and those are also sources of joy. (And it's well documented, so you can find things online pretty easily to catch up and see more.)

I just think it's neat. (Read: I accidentally became wholly obsessed with this game and its characters and they are all blorbos to me.)

You should definitely fall into this rabbit hole with me :))) It's so worth it :)))

[cardsbyalex-powerofperspective]

What do you need to maintain balance in your life- general tarot reading

The changing of the seasons can bring chaotic energy. Pick a pile that calls you with to discover how to bring harmony into your life. Don't worry if the reading won't fully resonate with you- it's a general reading. To buy a personal reading- message me! :)

Enjoy!

Pile 1

In the past, you might have a difficulty with transforming your ideas into reality. For you creativeness comes naturally and you often act on your impulses to start a new project without finishing the previous one.

Today, your desire to make some changes overcomes the one to maintain security- you are ready to change and grow! However, your own ambition might interfere with your desires. You have too many unfinished project and too little time.

The cards are inviting you to learn the skill of effectively delegating tasks in time. Without it, your chaotic thoughts will make you end up in a mental confusion. Finish what you already started, delegate using logic not emotions, take one step at a time and remember that each step brings you closer to your goal. Set up smaller goals and milestones for yourself- that will allow you to feel rewarded ( as you should) and fuel your motivation without adding more pressure on you.

Even though right now you are fighting with set-backs, personal restrictions, such as lack of faith in yourself or dissatisfaction with where you are right now, and growing impatience, remember that presererance makes a champion.

Procrastination and lack of motivation may whisper some ideas about extended holidays into your ear. The cards however warn, that if your mind is not at rest, you won't feel relaxed even on tropical vacation. Resolving issues immediatelly brings peace of mind. Instead, remember to take care of yourself and your work-life balance- it's more beneficial for you to take short, regular breaks, when you need it than torture yourself that instead of working towards your goal, you are resting.

Learning how to work differently and gaining problem-solving skills will bring unexpected solutions and mental agility. You solution is in the suncontious, but to get to it you must think analytically- shift through solutions even if they seem unusual and you will move from your current restrictions.

Pile 2

The cards see that in the past you've overcome a major change in your life- an ending, a completion of something and that event transformed you spiritually. You have a hard time seeing the bigger picture, you may indulge yourself and act recklessly with 'live in the moment' attitude.

A great decision is waiting for you- one that will be rewarded in the future. The cards are telling you that past is not permanent. As you gradually remove what is distracting you, you must choose a path for yourself- your personal direction in life. Discover your values, how do you want your life to look like, what do you want to achieve, what would make you happy.

Without this knowlegde you cannot move forward, as your underlying issues would come to the surface over and over again. It is time to get to know yourself, confront with who you really are, not who others want you to be- it's a vital step towards resolution.

In your journey don't be afraid to ask others for help- a supportive person, that wants your success (you know who I'm talking about ;) ), but keep your mind disciplined in a sense of confronting the visions of others about you with reality.

Reconnect spiritually with yourself, by being compassionate towards yourself ( emotionally and phisically) and nurturing your sense of appreciation. Take good care of your body and mind. The nature will keep you more grounded. This will help you in choosing between two different paths. Be patient with yourself, answers may not come as quickly as you wish, but every journey takes time- make it worthwile.

Go with the flow, not agains it, but it's important for you to move in the direction of your choice, instead of staying in the same place. People, like nature, have their seasons and each gift of nature is different- so don't compare yourself to others ( I know it's easier said than done), but make this season about you. Find yourself and new opportunities will find you as well. Good things are comming for you- but you must prepare.

Pile 3

It seems you' ve created a beneficial union ( masculine and feminine energy, being proactive and being nurturing)- it could be a friend, a romantic partner, or a work partner. You compliment each other and create balance- that bring you benefits. The cards tell that you need to make an important decision now, even though it can be difficult, that would have major impact for the future. In order to keep benefits flowing you need to be aware of each others needs.

In search for effectiveness and achieving be aware of the spiritual dimension. Naglecting yourself in order to achieve more usually have the contrary effect and in your case it would lead to imbalance and eventually to poor investment.

The advice is to act swiftly and secure the opportunity that presents itself before you, to avoid disaster. There is a sense of not belonging, unhappiness, lack of motivation in one of the partners in the union. In order to maintain balance this person needs to be spiritually and emotionally enriched- it is necessary for this person to perform his or her best. Cards also see a success through a personal creativity and a great role of intuition in making decisions. In order to strengthen intuition a balance within a person must be restored and the accomplishment will come when the time is right. In this reading, the timing plays a crucial role.

When creating something to last a discipline is needed- the common sense discipline for example regarding financial spending and self balance- not neglecting spiritual needs. Your previous successed certainly were not your last, there is also possibility to accumulate wealth. Nurture your fire. In the outcome you'll learn something new.

Hope you liked today's reading! Feel free to suggest what reading you would like to read next or purchace a personal reading <3

XoXo,

Alex

[openedskull]

Not necessarily your favorite wrestler, but who do you think is genuinely the best wrestler working right now? In terms of technical skill/promo work/whatever yardstick you wanna measure by.

oh man ... that is a great and really tricky question. full disclosure i don't think i can earnestly pick just one (i'll get into why a little bit more below)

also i'm gonna keep this aew only because i don't feel i know the wwe folks well enough yet to have an informed opinion there, but if that ever changes i'm sure i'll start yapping lmao

for aew men it's a real toss-up between bryan danielson, swerve strickland, and darby allin, for me. bryan is i think in many ways the gold standard - he's committed, he's incredibly versatile as a wrestler, he does what he does for the love of the sport and the art form; he's deeply technically proficient but also very quick to adjust to whatever a match or an opponent needs most, and very happy to do what needs to be done to make sure his opponent has a really good showing and looks great going forward, even if it's a match he's booked to win. his promos are always impassioned but never excessive or distracting, and my guy sells like a motherfucker both inside and outside of the ring. if i had a single criticism it's that he might have a *little* bit of an ego problem - i think swerve got a little close to talking shoot when he got on bryan's case about trying to reappear in another promotion under another name because he loves being in front of an audience too much to quit - but it's an extremely mild criticism.... at the point that your career is this long and distinguished, i don't think having a bit of an ego about it is all that surprising or even necessarily bad, and it's very much tempered by how much he wants to see younger generations of wrestlers thrive and succeed.

speaking of swerve, he's very similar to bryan, while also really making his work distinctive and very much his own. he has charisma for days and has come so far from being underbooked and handled weirdly in wwe, his promos are impeccable, his ability to play heel or tweener or even something close to a face based on what's needed most from him is so impressive. there's nothing wrong with having a singular gimmick that you know you can consistently perform and sticking to it, but i'm personally most impressed by wrestlers that are both physically and emotionally/mentally versatile, and that describes swerve to a t. i do sometimes worry about his work-life balance, but i know he's doing what he believes in and loves, and i do find his dedication not just to his own improvement but also to the stability and thriving of aew really admirable. his wrestling is once again very impressive, both deeply technically proficient while also being quick to adjust, and he makes it look easy. effortless, even, again while making his opponents look great and having their time to shine. good wrestlers are a bit like magicians, to me: i want to watch someone and go, "holy shit, how did he do that?"

darby is one i feel strongly about. for a lot of very similar reasons to bryan and swerve - in a lot of ways i think these three guys are reflective of two distinct but connected generations of wrestlers (bryan in one, swerve and darby in the other). i find it really disappointing and disheartening when people only see darby as a high-flying risk-taker, because he's *so* intelligent and deliberate in the things he does, he's such a fucking workhorse and if you've never seen him do more grounded, technical wrestling you're definitely missing out on something really special imo. he took a little while to find his footing when he first came off the indies, but he's grown and learned so much in the past few years both in terms of his athleticism and especially his ability to give absolutely banger promos; i think we can definitely credit some of that to his time working with sting, but it also shows a real jump upward in maturity and a desire to help carry the promotion on his back that really warms me to see. i love that he spends time for himself and pursues the things he loves outside of the ring but is also ready to jump in and help at a moment's notice when they need someone stable and reliable to fill a gap or take over a storyline, and i love that he works with both passion and humility - i think it's going to take him far and i can't wait to see how the future of his career shapes up.

for aew women it's a hard split between toni storm and willow nightingale, for me.

toni's wrestling is phenomenal to watch - she's brutal and versatile and such a quick thinker, always makes her opponents look great, and her character work is fucking unparalleled. i'll admit it took a while for the timeless toni storm gimmick to click for me, but once i understood what she was doing it's been amazing ever since, and i just find her so compelling and magnetic to watch. i'm also really drawn to her because of what it means to see an openly bisexual performer in the wrestling industry, and while i am frustrated by commentary often hamstringing the obvious romantic story between her and mariah, i can't stress enough how awesome it's been to see a love story (however toxic, lmao) between two women be one of aew's biggest or longest running narratives.

willow is so compelling to me as well, though in a distinct way. she always makes me smile and i love to see a fat woman thriving and succeeding in a line of work that, while it's developed a lot, still in many ways does incentivise both male and female wrestlers to be somehow both thin AND muscular, even if that lacks long-term sustainability for their health. her wrestling is something that i think is quite unique in the women's division, both really powerful and really flexible, and i love that her promos have a real emotionality and complexity that her "nothing matters, smile anyway" gimmick might not immediately suggest. she's tender and passionate and sad and exuberant and loyal and refuses to take shit, and i think she's such an amazing example of fully experienced femininity in sports. and she's so fucking dedicated to showing up and being ready for whatever storylines or matches or curveballs come her way, and so keen to bring up other women - and international promotions - along with her, and i just love her to bits.

[thousandyearphantombunker]

gotta love that people will scream about how people like me are abuse apologists and that we defend abusers and how lack of empathy instantly makes you evil but like all I wanna do is point out that a lot of abuse recovery 'help' is ableist as fuck

Like they say people with autism shouldn't be allowed to have kids cause 'they throw tantrums due to emotional dysregulation and they lack empathy and can only care for children in a clinical way' and I see way too many people attack the shit outta severely disabled siblings for having the gall to need a care taker and for 'forcing their sibling to take care of them! So evil' rather than get pissed off at the parents who ACTUALLY forced the able sibling to take care of them and didn't properly care for either and acting like the disabled sibling doesn't exist at all and that any abuse a person with a developmental or psychotic disorder suffers is 'justified not only is putting up with you hard but also your too stupid and delusional to be believed and your natural naivety and psychotic makes taking away your autonomy necessary!'

They kick people with BPD out of groups because they interpret symptoms of BPD in the most abusive way possible and out right state people with npd can't be abuse victims and kick them out of groups because 'they're the abusive ones' like uh they can be abusive but none of npd or bpd's listed symptoms translate directly to 'abusive asshole' y'all make a huge stink about how there is no such thing as a perfect victim and how your bad qualities such as having a short fuse doesn't negate that but when you see a person with a mental illness or developmental disability you freak out- what the hell happened to 'no such thing as a perfect victim'? Personality disorders are caused by trauma and are essentially a bunch of unhealthy coping mechanisms for it- but I forgot they're not allowed to heal like you guys because they are 'bad people'-

you guys talk about how your damned if you fight back damned if you don't fight back and how frustrating it all is and how it's wrong and how there's 'no such thing as a perfect victim' but as soon as mental illness or disability comes into the picture you begin to start victim blaming or claim that they aren't victims- you guys scream no such thing as a perfect victim until the victim has a disability and now 'well she has bpd so she's lying or was acting emotionally unstable and therefore it was okay that she was hurt her dad who beat her was probably teaching her lesson' 'well he has an intellectual disability and is quite naive and over sensitive so taking away his autonomy is okay because he can't possibly understand what he wants! And if he gets hurt is his own fault not his caretakers'

I'm not an abuse apologist for calling out your bad behavior. I forgot 'no excuses' only applies to disabled people and never applies to people who were hurt in the past by disabled people! Wait didn't you guys say your parents/partners bad pasts and traumas don't justify their actions? Great then your trauma doesn't justify kicking people with mental disorders out of help groups unless they've actually done something beyond admitting they have a mental illness. Being a victim doesn't excuse being a dick. I'll also say if your high functioning being mentally ill or disabled it doesn't justify being a dick- I call out shit behavior that isn't being an abuse apologist or saying that you deserved to get hurt or that you weren't hurt. If your an asshole but you got raped or smth your still a victim who deserves help and I'm not gonna defend what your abuser did and I'm gonna wanna help you however I can but I'm still gonna call you out for when your trauma makes you an asshole to me- that's not abuse apologism. Acknowledging ableism in help groups isn't the same as apologism. Narcissists have feelings too, people with developmental disorders aren't braindead, unfeeling idiots unable to be traumatized they deserve love and no form of abuse is ever justified and psychotic people deserve to be listened too. I'm not ever gonna say someone isn't a victim of abuse because they fought back or didn't fight back hard enough or because they're an ableist asshole but I'm gonna call them out on being an ableist asshole or an asshole in general and abusing others back- that shit doesn't make me an apologist it means I'm standing up to bullshit and if you think being abused by someone with a disorder in the past or having trauma from having to take care of a disabled sibling or whatever makes it okay to hurt disabled people? I get to call that shit out. If you were abused and you start abusing others your an abuser too no excuses right? Well remember to apply that shit to how we treat disabled abuse victims-

if you wouldn't do it to a neurotypical person then what makes it okay to do to someone with schizophrenia or bipolar? Your trauma from dealing with disabled people doesn't make it okay to hurt disabled people! I won't ever justify your mom hurting you because she had a mental illness but I also won't justify you abusing someone else be they have a disability and you have trauma around disabled people.

Also depending on the severity of the disability I'm sorry they might count as a victim too and maybe they shouldn't be help accountable- the no excuses shit only applies if they're high functioning enough

If you can acknowledge that your mom or lover's past trauma doesn't justify how they hurt you then you have to acknowledge that your trauma doesn't justify how you hurt others- that includes people with disabilities like npd or autism. If your sibling was so disabled they needed extra attention or you where forced into a parental role your allowed to be angry and shit and to say 'im not gonna be held responsible for someone else, it's my life the system or my parents can figure it out' - cool your establishing healthy boundaries but as soon as you start demonizing them for needing that care I'm gonna call you out- you don't have to take of them but for the love of God don't go around demonizing other disabled people

Also start calling narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse- a lot of people who engage in so called 'narcissistic abuse' are actually not narcissistic or cluster b- heck a lot of them are neurotypical and not mentally handicapped or ill in the slightest.

Stop demonizing personality disorders

Listen to people with psychotic disorders and developmental disabilities

Stop saying people with severe cognitive disabilities can't develop trauma or be depressed or that narcissists don't have feelings etc

stop ignoring or justifying abuse against disabled people. Stop with the perfect victim bullshit.

people who think narcissistic abuse is a thing or that disabled people shouldn't have kids don't clown on this post

[thatsneakymedic]

UPDATE

// I want to say that I want to say that I'm really sorry for my rp partners, both old and the new ones who had followed me for me appearing and disappearing from both the dash and in discord too.

Sometimes a new interest takes a hold of me and I've been having some anxiety of interacting with people in general since things in my house either keep me from normally interacting and actually focusing on doing stuff, and due to family drama. (it got more complicated.)

As of now, I have great news.

I have been to a psychologist who gave me a proper diagnoses and tbh I'm actually proud of myself for taking a huge step to finally having the help I need. Especially when I have been meaning to go get examined for years but never felt confident and feeling afraid of the truth. I'm just happy that the people weren't judgmental and they were very patient with me and listened to me. (I'd wish that I have done this sooner tbh. ;_;)

And while it will be a very small and slow step, it's still a step that I needed to be able to get the help I need.

I hope that it's alright if I can still try to interact with you all at my pace and not pressure myself nor anyone into doing replies.

And I want to say that I'm sorry for disconnecting with you guys when I know that many of you have never hurt me in any way.

As for the people who have followed me, I look forward to wanting to do threads with you and answer your questions and asks. Since I think making new friends and reconnecting with my current ones is my main priority right now as well as being okay mentally and emotionally.

[maochira]

About comfort reader after mental breakdown. May I have lavinho or noel pls?

I can do both!

Requests open! - masterlist

Tags: gn!reader, dad!coach, hurt/comfort, thanks to @chsster for giving me the nickname in Lavinho's part!!

Synopsis for Lavinho's part: Your father is always the one who prevents you from overworking yourself, but since he's been away from home for a bit, you started falling into a burnout.

Synopsis for Noa's part: Your father's cold personality often makes you feel as if he's emotionally distant from you, but when you start crying in front of him, the opposite shows.

Lavinho

Your father's positive energy is what keeps your mood up on most days. So as soon as he's away from home for more than a few days, not only does the house feel empty, but so do you. Sure, your mother is there, but even if she tried, she couldn't replace Lavinho's positivity.

Currently, you're in a phase where everything with school is stressful, so you've been spending most of the time in your room to study. And because everything has been so stressful lately, you're always afraid of studying too little and failing your tests and exams. This results in you studying way too much and stressing yourself even more.

If your father was at home, he'd be the one to take you out of your room every now and then. Lavinho knows when you need to take breaks and he's great at getting your mind away from any school related things before you can even start to get stressed.

But he's not at home, and he won't be for many more weeks. And without you realizing it, you've overworked yourself so much to the point where you're exhausted and ready to break into tears at any point if irritated too much.

So of course, today sucked. Your friends couldn't figure out what's wrong with you and didn't know how to help either and your mom just figured you miss your father. While yes, that is true, that's not the main reason why you're feeling awful.

You mother suggested you should call your fad, since he's way better at cheering you up than she is. But for some reason, you're nervous about calling him. There shouldn't be anything to be afraid of, but you fear that he might be mad at you for not taking care of yourself properly.

But at the same time, you miss hearing your father's voice so incredibly much. It takes you a few minutes of staring at your phone until you finally call him, but it doesn't take long until Lavinho picks up. He'd drop anything at any moment if possible because he misses you just as much as you miss him, and also he's afraid of ever missing something important or not being there to listen if you're feeling bad.

"How's my floresinha (little flower) doing?" Is the first thing he asks after picking up, and that's also what brings you to tears.

"N-not so well..." You sob into the phone, which immediately worries Lavinho.

"Hey hey, what's wrong? What's hurting you?" You father asks in a slightly panicked tone. In the background, you can hear other people talking but at the same time Lavinho seems to be walking away from them.

You take some deep breaths in attempt to calm your crying, but that doesn't help at all. And for Lavinho, it just hurts so much to hear you crying like this without him being able to pull you into a hug.

"School has just been... so stressful. And I study all the time because I'm just so afraid of failing and-"

Lavinho interrupts you mid-sentence. "You sound as if you're burnt out. Is that what's going on?"

"...I think so."

Your father takes a deep breath before he continues to talk, trying to sound comforting and encouraging. "You're a smart kid. You know you won't fail, right? You know you don't have to study all the time? You've always been doing good in school without dedicating all your time to it, haven't you?"

"Yeah but I want these exams to turn out perfect so-"

"Hey hey listen," your father interrupts you once more, but he does it in the most caring way possible, "You don't need perfect grades anyways. I'll always love you no matter what."

It's genuinely surprising to hear your father in such a serious tone. Most of the time, even when he's comforting you, he lets a joke slip in every now and then or he ruffles your hair. Very often, he also pulls you into a hug that's so tight, you lose your breath for a few seconds which always makes you stop crying because it catches you off guard.

But that's not possible right now, so Lavinho is trying a different approach. It may seem out of character for him, but he's a little clueless on how to comfort you without any physical affection. Also, he feels throwing in joking when you're burnt out would be inappropriate.

"I'm always proud of you and I always will be, and so is your mother," Lavinho continues talking, hoping whatever he says will make you feel better, "So remember to take breaks even if I'm not at home to drag you out of your room, okay?"

"I'm really trying..."

"Good, because if not..." Lavinho lets out a short chuckle, "Maybe I'll have to tell mom to drag you out of there more often. And as soon as I return home, I'm gonna make sure you're not overworking yourself again. But now take some more breaks, okay?"

Noel Noa

Noa is a great dad. He's an amazing dad. The only thing that bothers you is how emotionless and cold he can come off, even towards you. Most of the time, he's like that only in a few moments. But recently, he's been more tired and also more cold in your presence.

Your father loves you very much and expresses that as much as he can, but his coldness can still come off as emotionally distant more than you'd like. And especially since you've been having a hard time with other things lately, you began bottling up your feelings.

But maybe you've been doing that a little too much. Today, the usual silence at the dinner table feels more like a pressure to you. A pressure about telling your father how you've been feeling. A pressure about telling him that you'd like him to show emotions more often.

And this pressure ends up making you cry. At first, you try to hide it but as soon as the first sob escapes you, Noa's full attention is on you. He's a bit clueless on what to say because asking "Is everything okay?" would be stupid, since it's very obvious that something's wrong.

So for the first minute, you sit there crying to yourself while your father is thinking about what to say to make you feel better. But then, he realizes he really doesn't know what to say.

The next thing he figures out is that instead of saying something, he should be doing something. You're lost in the many thoughts that are running through your head, but then suddenly you feel Noa wrapping his arms around you and lifting you up.

That's something he hasn't done in years. The last time was probably when you were in elementary school. But even though you've grown so much since then, Noa feels as if lifting you up in his arms is the only correct thing to do right now.

“Shh… It’s okay…” He whispers in a soft tone as he holds you up with ease. “Cry it out as much as you need and then you can tell me what’s wrong if you want to, alright?”

He continues holding you up for a few more moments before carefully setting you back down on your chair. He then sits down next to you and waits patiently if you want to tell him what’s wrong or not. Even though his expression is still cold, it’s obvious how worried your father is right now. He has no idea what dragged you down so much to the point where you started crying. And at the same time, he doesn't want to pressure you into telling him - although he really wants to know so he can help.

After a bit, you finally gather some of your thoughts. "Uhm... so... Everything's just been a little hard recently."

Noa's full attention is on you and he nods to show he's listening, but he doesn't say anything yet. He's waiting for you to finish first.

"And sometimes I kind of... I..." Your crying gets a little stronger because it's hard to say the truth after bottling it up. "I kind of wish you wouldn't seem so cold and distant half of the time lately..."

Noa's eyes widen as you say your last sentence. "Do I really come across like that this much?" He asks a little ashamed of himself. "...I'm so sorry."

"No no it's okay-"

"It's not." Noa looks to the side for a moment. He feels bad for seeming cold and distant even around you. "I promise I'll do better on the future, okay?" There's a little smile on his face as he leans over to pull you into another hug, this time with a short kiss on your forehead.

"I'm your father, I should have paid more attention to how I act around you..." His arms around you tighten a little before he finishes talking. "Never hesitate to tell me if you need me to improve on something, alright?"

Taglist (sign-up link): @astruosie @kaineedstherapy12 @zyuuuu @gojosorrygeto @luvcalico @truegoist @vanitasbrainrot @toruden @mafuyudonutt @weichspuelertrinker @acacIa @kermitslefteyeball11 @futuristicxie @bluelock4life @https-archangel @depressed-bitchy-demon @kaiserkisser @yerinsshi

[ak11-content]

Our first guest is SELF's January cover star Ali Krieger. You may know Ali is a decorated soccer player who is coming off a national Women's Soccer league championship win with New York, New Jersey, Gotham last season, which also happened to be her retirement season. But Ali is quick to remind people that soccer is just something she does, it's not who she is. So I'll also add that she's a vocal advocate for important social justice issues, a mom of two and a great friend to her nearest and dearest. I had the pleasure of interviewing her for SELF's January cover story, which is out now, and I'm so excited to be talking to her again today. Ali, welcome to the show.

Ali: Hi. Thank you so much for having me.

Rachel: Of course. So let's get into it. Um, the first time we're gonna ask you, or the first younger self I'm gonna ask you to give advice to is your childhood self. So before we get into the advice, I'd love to know what were you like as a kid?

Ali: I, um, I was shy. I was reserved, um, somewhat calm. That's definitely not how I am on the, on the soccer field.

Rachel: (laughs).

Ali: But I, I just followed my brother around all the time. He was super active and, um, you know, just always wanting to play and, and hang out. So we had to really, we had a really good childhood. I feel like everything was at our fingertips. We grew up in, you know, uh, Dumfries in Northern Virginia. And, um, yeah, we were just hanging out with friends, playing sports, and just enjoying family time. Ultimately, I always wanted to just be around my brother hanging out, and I learned a lot from him too along the way.

Rachel: That's so cute. And he's 13 months older than you, right?

Ali: Yes, yes. We're 13 months apart. Mm-hmm.

Rachel: That's amazing. When did you start playing soccer?

Ali: I played soccer when I was about five or six. Um, I played with my brother on a team called Cosmos, an indoor team where we were like five and six years old. And, um, I remember our green jerseys and every time you'd score you get like a little, you know, iron on star on the back, and, uh, unfortunately I don't think I still have that jersey, but it was really fun because I just wanted to be as good as he was.

Rachel: That's really cute. Well, I, I guess, I guess you did catch up to him eventually.

Ali: (laughs). Yeah.

Rachel: (laughs). Well, when you think back on a time when you were a kid that you really could have used a little guidance from your current self, what comes to mind?

Ali: I think just only controlling the controllables. I think throughout life, you know, you have to fight through adversity. You endure a lot mentally, physically, emotionally, especially within sport. And it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to fail because when you do, you learn the most. And so I think, you know, just being comfortable in that chaotic, um, environment because along the way I learned that not every coach is gonna like me. Uh, not every coach is gonna value me and appreciate me, but you, you know, have to continue to, you know, go down this path that you want and in order to, to be as successful as you want and how you dream. I think just having that advice, uh, would, would help a lot of the younger girls like it, or, and boys like it did for me.

Rachel: That's really great. And you mentioned you were shy. Was there anything that helped you kind of come out of your shell a little bit?

Ali: I think I was shy because my brother was just nonstop talking (laughs), so like, and I would just follow him and do whatever he did, so.

Rachel: Mm-hmm.

Ali: Um, and I felt comfortable in that. Uh, he was, you know, more of like, uh, a leader when we were younger and I just, you know, wanted to be like him and always around him. So, um, he would always do the talking for me. So I-

Rachel: (laughs).

Ali: ... think, um, eventually I broke outta my shell, but I think early on I was just, I don't know, just shy and reserved and then maybe soccer brought that other side out in me. And as, as I got older and I got, you know, better at the sport and I could feel that as a player, I, you know, gained more confidence.

Rachel: So the next younger self that I wanted to ask you about is what advice you would give to yourself when you were coming out. And I wanted to kind of preface this with queer people come out over and over again in their lives. So this question can apply to a specific coming out or maybe more when you're coming out to yourself 'cause both are important. Um, so I guess to me this is about a coming out that felt really significant to you and what advice you would give yourself when you were going through that.

Ali: Yeah, for sure. I mean, going way back when my brother came out to me when he was a senior in high school, I think it was towards the end of his high school, um, career. Um, and he was moving on to college and he was about to go to spring break and he sat down and he told me he is, you know, he's gay and he's into, um, men and I, I didn't really know what that meant. I was just happy that he expressed that to me and I said, "You know, I don't care who you love, I support you either way, and I love you so much." And so I think I'm lucky to, you know, I've, I've, you know, thought that at that age-

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: ... 'cause I just didn't know what it meant, you know, we were-

Rachel: Definitely.

Ali: ... we grew up in such a vanilla town and, um, you know, nothing was really visible when I was young. And so then moving on to college, I had this, you know, experience of seeing more visibility with, um, you know, queer individuals. And there were, you know, a couple pairs of, you know, individuals on my team who you know, came out as lesbian, but also just bi or, you know, just were discovering their sexuality at the time. And I didn't really understand it. I just thought men could be together.

Rachel: Yep. Mm-hmm.

Ali: So I'm grateful that I finally stepped into that space because then-

Rachel: Definitely.

Ali: ... a lot to me made sense, even though I had a boyfriend in college for like three and a half years. I then, you know, felt that there was something about me that might want to discover more. And, um, you know, going through this like self-discovery, um, and moving to Germany and playing there for five and a half years, I really, um, was more exposed to an environment that was, I think more accepting of, you know, um, my sexuality and discovery of myself. And I just kind of went for it. And I, you know, uh, was having really great experiences there and, and really finding myself more. And then coming back in 2012, um, that, that started with the NWSL and we started the league, um, and, and moved forward. And so I felt like coming back to the states with kind of this new perspective of, you know, life, but also, um, this new feeling I had of who I was as a human being and living my life, uh, more authentically and in this truth, I could then apply that to coming back home. And played in the NWSL. And then, uh, met my previous partner, um, and we were on the national team together. And then eventually in 2019, I mean, we were together for, since probably 2012, right around that time officially. And then from then till, you know, 2019, we didn't come out really because we were afraid we were gonna lose our job. But that was my, you know, that was a partnership where I felt super confident, comfortable. Um, but I was, I wasn't, as a public figure, I wasn't wanting to make it, you know, um, as public because that was the only thing at the end of the day where I could have some privacy.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: And so that's what I valued and that was more so the reason why I never spoke on it. Um, and also we had the same job, so I was afraid we were gonna lose our job.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: Playing at the highest level, you just dunno how people are going to react.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: And so I was more aware of that. And then, you know, getting sponsorship deals and things like that, I wasn't sure how you know, people and brands were gonna react to, to me and, and her at the time. Um, but then in 2019, we just felt like, you know what F it. Like we we wanna live our lives true and authentic, and we eventually wanna start a family and like, this is us. Right. If you don't like it, then bye.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: Um, you know, you need us more than we need you type of type of mentality. And so I think in 2019 was when we came out, um, as engaged. And then, um, the response was incredible. Which I never would've thought in a million years, um, unfortunately, which is crazy to say out loud.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah.

Ali: But I, I never thought that it would be as good as it did, all of our brands and sponsorships. We even had more opportunities-

Rachel: That's amazing.

Ali: ... after the, we made this announcement and not everyone goes through that.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah.

Ali: Right. Not everyone has that experience. And so I, I knew right away that okay, this is a situation where I feel super lucky and super grateful to be able to tell this story, uh, you know, a positive story of, you know, a queer couple or lesbian couple that, you know, had just come out and, and, uh, were engaged and he wants to live this life together. And so it, it, there's no right or wrong way to do it, it's just how you feel. And you have to make sure that it's what you want, not what anybody else wants. And that the right time for you might not be when somebody else, uh, asks you or when someone else, I don't know, puts it out there. It's just, it's, it's about how you feel and how you wanna approach it. And I felt like that time was good for me and I was willing to take that risk because I was afraid that I was gonna lose my job and, and other things in my life. So I just went for it and I just, I just felt it in my gut that it was right.

Rachel: Yeah. That's really nice. It's really scary, es- especially when the stakes are high like that. And it's, it sucks that we're still in a world where you weren't sure if it was gonna cost you endorsements or your role in this thing you worked so hard for. Like, but, you know, that's the reality. I'm glad that it went so well for you, but, you know, it's, it's still really scary. It's risky. I think it's so interesting what you said about that lack of visibility, because I think we're around the same age, and I've heard from so-

Ali: Yeah.

Rachel: ... many women this age when they're, who have had the reaction of like, "I didn't know women could be gay." Which is just, it sounds wild when you say that out loud, but like, I think we forget now because so much has changed. Like, it was like Ellen and that was it maybe, or like, maybe a joke on a sitcom, you know, like, it just, it was so different. And I think if you didn't see yourself, you're just like,"Okay, well I guess that's not me." And just like kept, you know, didn't think about-

Ali: Yeah.

Rachel: ... it again. And, and now so much has changed that a lot of women in their thirties and forties and older are realizing like, "Oh, this is something I was missing." And I think that's, that's so exciting because like you said, it is this expansive process where you realize there can be more for you. It's not, you're not losing anything. You have, you get to open yourself up to something new and that's so special.

Ali: Right. And I, you know, I, I was so happy that I was like, "Okay, this is what I've been feeling and missing. Like this is, these are a few answers now that I can take with me. That now I can kind of, you know, work on that and, and understand myself more on a deeper level," where before in college, I was like, "Who am I? What am I doing?" Why am I feeling this way? This is weird." Like, and, and so I feel now that I, from college stepping into, you know, my, um, my experience overseas, I was able to do a bit of self-discovery, which then gave me a whole new perspective on my life. And whether I wanted to be in a lesbian relationship or if I was, you know, experiencing, you know, more of bisexuality experiences. I, I was open to anything at the time because I was just like, "You know what? I could be free and this is me."

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: "And let's just see where this goes." And, um-

Rachel: That's amazing.

Ali: Yeah. And you kind of just fill your cup slowly and you start, you know, really discovering yourself more. And I, I really am so grateful for that experience. Um, and, and finally being in a, in an environment where it was okay, uh, to, to be me.

Rachel: Well, I wanna pivot a little bit to talking about career stuff, because you've obviously had this really long career really, like filled with a lot of highs, but also there were some lows. Um, so I wanted to talk about the advice that you would give yourself when you didn't make the National Women's Soccer team-

Ali: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: ... 'cause I think we all go through career setbacks, obviously, but with sports, I think it can probably feel incredibly personal and the stakes are very high. Uh, so maybe if you could start by kind of telling people what happened if they're not familiar with the situation, and then the advice you would give yourself if you had to do it all over again.

Ali: Yeah. So I, um, was basically in 2017, I think was trying to continue to make the team, every year you'd have to fight for contracts every January at the time where it was you know, you would get a contract with a national team, and it wasn't like a pay-to-play model where you get invited in now, um, at any moment. And so it's always a bloodbath at a January camp where we're all fighting to make the team. And at the beginning I did, but then slowly I had, you know, just, it was probably after World Cup in 2015 where things started to get a little rocky. And I started to recognize, "Okay, like there's other players coming in and the coach doesn't necessarily value me as much as before, even though I just played 2015 every game in the World Cup." And it just, you know, it was a really difficult year for me. Um, slowly but surely, I, you know, stopped getting called in. Um, and I didn't really get a reason for that. There was never really a, you know, kind of like a closure. That was why it was so difficult for me to move forward um, in my career at the time. And I was devastated. I didn't get called back for a whole year and a half, almost two years. And right before the next World Cup, I get a call because, um, you know, they were in need of, of a defender. And I think I had proved myself, uh, through that time period, and I made it really difficult for them to ignore me. You know, just had the super laser focus of, "I wanna achieve this, and I know I can do it and I'm gonna do it." And I'm, like I said before, I just made it difficult for them to ignore me. And so ultimately my coach at the time gave me a call. We didn't really discuss the, the last-

Rachel: (laughs).

Ali: ... you know, two years because I said, "I'm in a different space now. I'm in a different you know, um, you know, mentality. I am super focused on where I'm at. I don't wanna bring up the past. Let's just like move forward. What do you need me to do? I'm here for the team, I'm here for you, and let's make it happen. Right? Like, I, I'm, I'm open to whatever you need from me, uh, in order to help this team be successful." And so I ended up getting called back into the last camp before the team was chosen for 2019.

Rachel: Wow.

Ali: And somehow, some way I got back into the team right before it mattered most, and we ended up going to World Cup and we ended up winning. And I actually, um, I didn't play as often as they did in 2015 and 2011. But I did get a chance to go into, um, two games. And then the final, I had to, she called on me, uh, when one of our right back, um, Kelly O'Hare, who's my teammate now, she unfortunately had a bad head injury. It was like a concussion so, right before halftime. So then I get the call to, to go in and fill her spot-

Rachel: Wow.

Ali: ... in the second half of the final. And I couldn't believed that. I was just like, "Alright, this is why I'm here. This is exactly why."

Rachel: Yeah. [inaudible 00:15:41] you spent years preparing for this.

Ali: Yeah. Like, just these, these 45 minutes. "This is why I'm on this team right now." And we were 0-0 at the time. So I was so grateful that I could help the team win.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: And we won two, nothing. And so that, that's kind of that experience. But I always tried to stay positive. It's easy to to get, you know, into your, into your head and, you know say all the things and reasons why, you know you're not there. But I immediately changed that perspective. I, trust me, it was a really dark time.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: And I remember, you know, uh, uh, just like wanting to just quit. And I was so frustrated, I was so angry for the longest time. But then I said, "You know what? Like, that's not me. I, I know how good I can be and I know how I can help this team. So let me turn that on, turn that around into a positive and, and get to work."

Rachel: Yeah. That makes sense. And sometimes it helps to let yourself have that period first-

Ali: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: ... just to be mad and to feel bad, and to not talk yourself out of it, or try to fix it-

Ali: Right.

Rachel: ... or go to the gym right away. Sometimes you just have to be upset-

Ali: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: ... and angry, and then you can get through it. But you're like, "I, I'll, I'll get there eventually. But today there's a little time for wallowing and, and mourning and just, you know, feeling bad," and there's nothing you can do. But it sounds like you really brought a level of focus that I'm just sort of in awe. 'Cause it's hard enough to train, but training when you're kind of down, when you're already, when you're coming from that like vulnerable position, I imagine is so much harder.

Ali: It is. It's really difficult. Yeah. But you just gotta push through. And then, you know, as athletes, you know, everything's at risk, right? But it's worth it in the end if it works out. And so you never know that answer until you try.

Rachel: So the last, um, pass up I wanna ask you about is a little bit more recent. Um, and I wanted to ask you about the advice that you would give yourself as a new mom. So as people listening, probably know you are mom to Sloan and Ocean, who are very young. So you were a new mom not so long ago, which is a famously really difficult period. And I'm curious what you, what advice you would give yourself looking back now?

Ali: Um, I would just say (laughs) buckle in because (laughs), nothing ever goes as planned. You could prep all you want, prepare for, you know, anything and everything. Um, but it really just day-to-day, you have to be willing to, um, kind of just be open to whatever comes. And, um, you always have to think of what if as a mom. So, uh, it's kind of like a spontaneous day-to-day. I, I never know what the day's gonna bring. I'm as prepared as I can be, but, you know, some days the kids can be great, some days they be terribly sick, some days they're gonna have tantrums, some days, you know, everything's gonna flow perfectly. And, you know, all the meals are gonna work out. I mean, I, I literally think that, um, I would tell myself just buckle in because, um, you have to make sure you're, you're open to anything that's, you know, that that could happen. And, and patience is gonna be key.

So no matter how my kids are acting or feeling, or I'm always trying to stay calm in the way that I speak to them too. Um, you know, if they're yelling and screaming and then I'm yelling and screaming and saying, "Stop, or Don't do this or that," you know, that's just not the way that I approach, um, you know, how I am parenting. And so I feel like if I stay consistent, even though sometimes I do wanna yell, and you gotta just like, you know, you get angry and you're frustrated and you just need like, two minute break and you wanna lock yourself into the pantry. But I, I try to stay as calm as I can and just kind of have like, you know a steady, a steady response.

Um, and then I think kids, young kids, ultimately they don't understand why they're feeling certain ways that they're feeling, whether that be really happy, sad, frustrated, all the things, uh, and all the emotions. I would tell myself just allow that to happen. And, um, and just embrace them more instead of tell them what to do about it. Because I would tell Sloan even now, 'cause sometimes she doesn't understand her feelings that you know, I just try to give her a hug and console her and embrace her because I always say, "Listen, it's okay to feel the way that you're feeling." Um, but if she's say throwing things or hitting something, or I'm always like, "It's okay that you're feeling upset or sad or angry or frustrated, but it's not okay to throw your things or your food or…” So I want to allow and give space for all the feelings and emotions because unfortunately as a kid, I don't, um, think that I expressed my feelings and emotions enough. So I think maybe telling my younger self before having kids just allow your kids to feel those emotions and feelings and, and just embrace, uh, the tantrums and-

Rachel: (laughs).

Ali: ... uh, the yelling and the crying and all the things, because those are emotions too. And those are just as important as being happy and excited and joyful.

Rachel: I think that's great advice for new parents. But I also think it's great advice for adults for themselves to just let themselves feel what they're feeling and, and name, what they're feeling and understanding why. I think a lot of people struggle with, you know, they, they know they're feeling something, but it is hard to name it or to understand why they are, you know, maybe acting out or are doing something that they don't, they look back and they regret. So I think just. all of us can probably benefit from pausing and thinking about our emotions, but not trying to stop them. But I imagine as a parent, you probably wanna step in and fix it, and it's really hard to just like step back and, and let them feel what they're feeling without intervening.

Ali: Right. And just giving them time to process.

Rachel: Definitely. All right, Ali, my last question for you, since this is about advice, is what is the best advice you've ever been given?

Ali: Okay. So Sue Bird actually told me this, and I think it was from Will Smith, a quote from him. I, uh, maybe we can fact check this.

Rachel: (laughs).

Ali: But, uh, when I was really going through that hard time, we went on vacation, um, with her and, and Megan and I had asked them both. I said like, "You know, what do you see? Do I hang out my boots? Like, am I that bad? Like, am I not... Like what am I not doing? Like what am I not seeing? This is crazy.” But she had said this to me that I had carried through every, ever since, um, and then she said, "As an athlete, or just even as a human being, um, if you stay ready, you never have to get ready."

Rachel: Rachel here. So we did fact check this, just to be sure. Turns out Will Smith is known for saying, "So if you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready." And that is how I run my life. But Dejuan Walker AKA Suga Free wrote and performed the 1997 single titled, If You Stay Ready and it includes the lyrics, if you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready.

Ali: And that is the mentality that I took into my training preparing to get back to the national team during that you know, tumultuous time. And that daunting, confronting time that I had, uh, those two years where I had kind of this whole self-discovery, but that was always in the back of my mind because I knew there was a possible phone call that would be coming. And I needed to be ready for that opportunity 'cause if I wasn't prepared and I wasn't ready, I wasn't gonna make it So I think that advice was gold for me in that moment. And I just, um, I took that along with me, uh, through those, you know, two years and, and then eventually made it back. And, uh, it all made sense then. And so I'm really grateful that she had, you know, given me that advice and that quote to, to really keep, uh, in order to, you know, achieve what I wanted to at the time.

Rachel: Well, that is a really lovely note to end this on, and really good advice. I think that can apply to a lot of different situations. So, Ali Krieger, thank you so much for being here, being our first guest, sharing your wise words with our listeners, and we're so excited to see what you do next.

Ali: Thank you. I appreciate the invite and I can't wait to continue down this path and, uh, support SELF and your podcast.

Rachel: Thank you so much. Advice To My Younger Self was produced by Hayley Fager and Rachel Miller, and edited by Hayley Fager. Peyton Hayes is our audio production coordinator, and Jake Loomis is our audio engineer. Caitlin Brody and Sergio Kletnoy are our talent bookers.

Transcript provided by Rev.com.

[erasso]

chapter 46 thoughts

long!!! I think this chapter is great!

I didn't really like many of the kamunabi designs originally but when given personality and more focus here they seem much more lively, I can't complain

the blood test... I hope it'll lead to us learning something about chihiro's mom. I really wouldn't want some kind of kunishige not being his dad reveal. I can see how that might play into the drama of upholding your father's legacy to find out the guy you thought was your dad wasn't your dad at all, and all the "found family" themes at play, but I really don't like it. yep. that's my whole argument about it.

hakuri is so dumb and cute. going into this big important trial meeting with tissues stuffed up your nose... and then we have chihiro shouting his name when he passed out earlier and him ready to go all out if they hadn't gotten interrupted. and hakuri just being all yep. gonna follow my samurai everywhere. straight into the gates of hell. when hiyuki says chihiro has him on a leash.

I hope hakuri gets to build himself up more over time though. relying on chihiro and letting chihiro rely on him is great, but you're more than a tool, hakuri!

it doesn't seem like the kamunabi have that much info about the storehouse. the sazanami guarded the secret even from their own strongest family members, so I wonder how many people actually have any idea of how it works? they seem to underestimate and not take hakuri all that seriously which is. also good! it's kind of a continual theme with him so far and I want him to get to show off. he's so cool aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I don't think hiyuki or tafuku saw him use isou, so they don't know he has multiple kinds of magic either... he's in a dangerous position. if people understood what he could do, who wouldn't want him on their side? and I feel like the hishaku would be all too happy to kill him

I wonder how old hiyuki is? her comment about chihiro only cutting down evildoers makes me wonder if this is going to be a theme at some point. we know chihiro is really emotionally sensitive, he's going to face off against some grey villains in the future, right? he couldn't even bring himself to kill soya originally.

and usually while the protagonist might have some more sensible friends... hakuri is much colder when it comes to killing but he doesn't really seem pragmatic, and if chihiro wanted something, I'm not sure I could see him arguing against it as he is! please get stronger both mentally and physically, hakuri...

thinking back to chapter 1, this was always something going on with chihiro. he wanted to try to negotiate with the yakuza before he saw bodies strung up and realised they were scumbags

then we learn that chihiro wasn't born and raised in the mountain home we saw in the intro, but that he was brought there by his dad instead...

but, he could be lying. he immediately continues by saying that he's never met any of the kamunabi council before and that's obviously untrue. and it's clear that most of these council members don't know anything about chihiro, many of them didn't even know he existed and most of them don't believe him right now, so I'll have to see how that goes

I really love chihiro, hakuri, hiyuki, tafuku...

I like the asshole kunishige hater guy, too. there's no way shiba didn't kick his ass in the past, right?

I'm sad the onsen episode didn't come to fruition. please let them rest hokazono... this episode seems really dangerous. neither chihiro or hakuri seem to ever get the chance to heal, and, since they're being controlled by the kamunabi now, it doesn't seem like they could go and get char to heal them (if she's even recovered enough to heal them)

it would be nice to see shiba doing something offscreen, or if hiyuki and tafuku also feature in this rescue mission (hiyuki is the only one with the power to rival the blades, so I think she might come?) but I'm looking forward to meeting the swords master and seeing what happens next. hakuri and chihiro working together... waaa

[jojosquires]

I mean, but for why?

So, as is the way of this site, I've been seeing more and more Reverse!Robin AU breakdowns recently and... I just can't. (Disclaimer: Like what you like, I don't care... It's your life don't let others dictate your taste AKA this is my opinion and I'm allowed to have it just like you're allowed to have yours)

Why? Why? Why? Why does almost everyone just flipflop Tim and Jason's stories, huh? Everyone else still gets to be themselves (Damian is still grumpy yet skilled, Dick still gets to be an acrobat that lost his parents (though his anger gets downplayed, but that's a regular fanon issue not relegated to just this AU)). Tim always, always seems to have to be the one who dies in this AU and becomes Red Hood (except for like... Two that I've seen) and Jason comes in and takes Tim's "save Batman" role. Which, inevitably, leads right back to the fanon Jason&Tim dynamic that I'm also just.... So tired of.

It's just... Such a fundamental misunderstanding of their characters (not the least of which is due to the fact that Tim's hero is always Dick moreso than anyone else... So why would he even become a vigilante here unless the circus happens at a weird time?). Tim is not five seconds from a homicidal rampage. Even when he's close to murder he pulls back (usually of his own accord... Drags other people away from it too). Honestly, compared to the rest of the Batfam he's got decent mental health a lot of the time with some very reasonable rough patches. Jason has a lot of trauma already from dealing with piss poor adults. He's not emotionally prepared enough to be the light to Batman's darkness if he just lost a different Robin. It's also kinda why he shouldn't have been put in the Robin suit right away. Dick needed justice when he took on Robin and then learned to do the same for others over time. Jason needed a home and to see how systemic issues can be solved through investment in the community and social change. Beating up thugs in Gotham doesn't solve the injustice Jason had to deal with as a child (poverty and homelessness and drugs and domestic abuse). (Sorry, I think that's a separate rant and doesn't mean I don't think Jason should've been Robin... Just that the justice he needs for his childhood trauma is different than Dick's or Damian's or even Steph and Cass)

So, yeah, I don't know. In general, I really just dislike this AU as a whole. In comics, I think characters reign over story because there are hundreds of different storylines. If your characters suck... The story probably is gonna die out anyway. So, flipping the script on these characters just invalidates a lot of other characters. A ripple effect.

Jason and Tim are both great characters on their own. Jason's story as Red Hood makes way more sense than it ever would for Tim. Please stop molding them together. It makes both of them worse.

That's it. Sorry for the rant. I just really dislike how interchangeable all the Bat fandom makes Jason and Tim.

Others can probably articulate this better, but I need drive to work and I'd rather think about the next scene I'm writing than this. So, now that this is out in the void, I can focus.

Also, if I see "Jason is Tim's Robin" one more time today...I think I might go on an entirely different rant. It won't be as polite, I think.