#i'm not saying i'm right and everyone's wrong or that it's impossible there's pressure and rushing

[bookwyrminspiration]

Call me out if I’m wrong here, but I feel like sometimes, when you’re in this fandom, there’s a lot of contradictory?

I feel like not that long ago people were upset that others were saying they didn’t like something, so wording changed.

I do believe that we should be honest on whether or not we like something (while being kind/gracious about it), but that might be the reason why some people are more nervous to just come out and say it?

Again I may be so incredibly wrong; I’ve been dipping my toes in and out of the fandom for a while now.

I think you have a valid point. There's a lot of people in the fandom, and we have different opinions, some of which contradict each other. Sometimes one view dominates, then the other. We vacillate and change, which is only natural.

Regarding the recent wording change, I'm not sure what specific thing that was in response to--there was some conversation in the vein of "if you don't like it, why are you here?" Which was more in response to the overwhelming negativity the series has started to accrue with the long interims, its current direction, and fans getting older. The sort of "people don't want to hear about how much you hate the thing they love." Even if you've established yourself as a fan of it previously.

Which I think can coexist alongside simply saying you don't like something. I can say the new cover isn't really hitting for me without tearing it apart and making those who really enjoy it feel bad, you know? I don't mind it, understand why it's like that, and appreciate Jason Chan's artistic prowess, but that doesn't make it interesting to look at.

But you're right, there's been this push to justify why you dislike things, at least in online spaces. So it's harder/makes people nervous to say "I just don't like this." Myself included. Instead it's "this was rushed" "this was last minute" "Shannon's publishers are pressuring her" "her editor's are pressuring her" etc.

Which, again, is entirely possible. Writing and publishing is hard; it takes a lot of work and pleasing the industry isn't easy. But there are points where--I think--people approach it with bad faith.

To use the cover as an example again, a lot of people are saying it's rushed. Possible. But is there a history of rushing covers? Not that we've seen, all the others have been spectacular, detailed, and thorough. What would they gain by rushing it? They could meet deadlines sooner, have something to share with the audience since we're in a weird period. But they could also damage their marketing with a subpar product, especially given the series' popularity. Why do we think the cover looks rushed? Its simplicity, its different mood. But, again, Shannon said that was intentional. There's Keefe's appearance, which is really hit or miss for people. I don't think Keefe not looking as attractive as people imagine/want is a result of rushing, but because there's an impossible standard for him as The Boy of the series. And so on and so forth.

The point of that being we've come to this conclusion, I think, hastily. While book 9.5 wasn't the original plan so of course timelines change, I don't think S&S has a history or motive to rush. There's already an established precedent for delays when necessary, the cover came out later than others, and there's (i think) a solid, purposeful reason the mood is different.

Could I be wrong? Absolutely. But the rapidity of the conclusion and with how much it feels we've been outsourcing our dislike the past few years I'm started to feel a little skeptical. Boy who cried wolf kinda thing. Was it rushed again, or do we just not like it? Feels like a slapstick explanation without further examination

And of course you don't have to analyze everything, but some things are a bit more complex, you know?

Point is: I think we're overusing these explanations (pressured, rushed) and at this point if we don't delve further into it it starts to lose its meaning. There is an argument for being rushed and pressured! But without getting into it, I can't tell if we're thinking it through or just avoiding saying we don't like something for fear of judgment/reprisal.

[kickedin17]

I'm seeing people point out that the Craving (at least the single version) is about SAI being perceived by a lot of people as a flop album & I think that's probably correct but I also think it probably applies to Lavish, because I truly cannot imagine why else they decided to include it on the album? Like don't get me wrong I love Lavish but narratively it reads as the most 'expendable" song on the tracklist. Yet Tyler allegedly wanted to leave off Navigating (which they gave the lore video to, lmao) and kept Lavish. Which is fair because it's a banger and a nice break from everything else, but it's also just telling to me that they very intentionally did a song about industry bullshit on this album, the most direct they've gotten since Lane Boy.

Like either their label or someone in the industry did something to piss them off that we don't know about, or it's a generalized frustration. I have to imagine it would hurt to be Grammy noms/winners two albums in a row and then be paid dust the minute you do something a little different. Or (purely speculating here) to experience label pressure to have another album cycle like blurryface, when that's virtually impossible to replicate unless you're, like, taylor swift specifically, and when it inevitably doesn't happen they start pulling back on financing/promoting you/helping you get nominations the same way they used to. They're fucking you behind your back and you can't really do much about it because they're the ones with the money and the influence, and you're supposed to trust them to take care of/care about your work. Like tøp has never been a band that values itself on award or critical recognition, it's always been for us, but creatively speaking the whiplash of going right from your most commercially successful album, to your most critically acclaimed album, then to your most criticized - and to a degree you now just assume your time as a critical/commercial darling has passed, which Tyler seems to - would have to hurt. It would have to.

Honestly tho he probably just knew he cooked with the proctologist line and needed everyone else to know too

[bloodyjuls-blog]

The worst of us (part 2)

Here's the second part. We gonna have a third part and maybe fourth amongst this week (I go to Uni) (let me know if you like the drama or less drama for next part)

"Hi, y/n" Leah said. "Hi capi how are we doing" I said in a shaky voice. "what's up y/n, are you crying?" Leah said concerned by my tone of voice. "it's just that i messed up in a way" you said with a shrinking voice. "what did you do y/n and why do I get the feeling it has something to do with Alexia" Leah said more seriously. I told her what I had heard in the locker room... "but that's ok innit" "she visualized with you in the long run" she said calmer. "yeah but you know how much I went through before I met her to have to deal with that" y/n she said calmer " "I thought you had everything under control y/n" Leah said flatly. "that's what i thought, everything was fine until a few months ago, she found the bottles in the dishwasher and didn't say anything. how the hell did she not say anything, being a footballer and drink without control" you said hysterically. "but you can go to therapy again, you can control it" said Leah. "I feel like all this pressure from marriage and kids, media, Giraldez, it's drowning me LEAH. Ahh fuck, I'm going crazy" "who do you think you are to cross the traffic light like that, fucking crazy" you said in a way that even you don't recognize yourself. "Y/N calm down now, I hope you're not driving" "Of course I'm driving Leah" "Alexia decided it was best for me to leave, it's all fucking over. I can't take it anymore" you said crying. "Don't do something crazy please, if you're going to drink, go home, it's safer" said Leah in a worried tone. "No tonti, I'm not going to do anything bad," you said more calmly. Yet another lie, I thought. Of course you spent the whole night drinking at the 24h market close to home. You'd be as dead as a doornail the next day at training

Next day at training

"Well girls, as we all know, we have the champions match day coming up, I want everyone to be plugged in and eager to win," said Jonatan. "Yes coach" we all answered in unison. Once on the court the group was divided by positions and it was my turn to play against Alexia. Not surprisingly, none of the girls spoke to me. They were clearly leaning towards the captain. That made me very angry, that I hadn't done anything wrong enough to be disowned. To say I felt bad was too little for everything that was crossing my mind at the time. One thing they tell you is not to mix work and home but when your home is your colleague it becomes impossible, let alone seeing her as beautiful as ever. In a different situation, the girls would be more supportive and condescending to me but no, today was the day to make my life a hell.

A couple of exercises later I felt like I was going to faint, the spring heat and the monumental hangover I'm carrying don't help. In one of those passes that I have to receive I get lost and my team yells at me in a way that is so fucking scary, those beasts are scary. Alexia looks at me with rage, I don't think I've ever seen her so upset with someone, not even with the fucking gals of real madrid. If these things happen to me because I'm stupid. To say that right now I was at my strongest mental point is a lie, but I was doing what I could. In one play we had to clear the ball and of course as my luck couldn't be worse today I had to receive in front of Alexia. Not having the physique today to give it my all, Alexia got there first and threw a missile in my face. "Ouch" I thought as I fell unconscious on the grass. Alexia approaches me and tells me in the most venomous way possible "let's see if you wake up and stop drinking. The example you set for the little ones. Very good, very good". At that moment I couldn't think of anything but pain and Alexia's words. I think if I had to compare it to anything it would be a stab in the back. Alexia knows my weak points and yet she uses them against me.

At the medical room they put ice packs and ointment on my face for the bruises. luckily nothing is broken beyond an eyebrow. I head home before and out of nowhere I get flashbacks of all those times I was told that I was not a good example, that I was not enough, that I should not spend my time in football, but what bothers me the most is that it reminds me of when my father told me that I was a bad example for my nephews, because of them I changed. Sometimes things do not turn out the way you want. And as I knew that this day was going to end worse I decided to take a flask of whiskey in my backpack. It was not a good idea.

As I go into the locker room to get my stuff I hear the girls laughing about something Alexia said. I let myself listen to her a little bit because I know that when I go in they will shut up and give me funny looks. I hear her say "maybe it wasn't the right time or she, all of a sudden her alcohol problem came back". But since she is so sneaky about telling my stuff to the others. "Alexia you can just shut up and stop telling my things, at least respect what I once in privacy told you" I said it in the most calm and broken way possible. Suddenly because of the alcohol I had already had. They all went quiet and went back to their things. Alexia looked at me and I grabbed my stuff and left. Bad idea, I couldn't drive with alcohol on me. Fucking alexia, fucking family club, fucking liquor. Angry, I got in the car to go to my special place.

In the locker room the English girls came in, joking about y/n had brought a flask of whiskey and hadn't hesitated to drink it during practice. All the girls reacted and started to worry. "What's up girls?" said Keira, still laughing. "What's going on here is that most of the people here have been making fun of y/n and her alcohol problems, thanks alexia, and now she has gone home in her car drunk" said Ana a little more upset. To tell the truth Ana has always been on my side, it has to do with the amount of years we have known each other, I consider her one of the family but with the alcohol recently, I have moved away a little.

Already in the car I'm a little dizzy, everything is spinning and the memories are killing me. To say that driving like this is ok is reckless, don't do it under any circumstances. A couple of hours later I find myself back in Alexia's neighborhood, wandering around like a fool, as if she was going to show up. I decide to go up the Tibidabo but in the vicinity I come across a curve which I try to maneuver as best I can but apparently it beats me. The only thing I remember is calling Alexia. "Hi y/n, what do you want" says Ale a little angry "Hi bonita, I want to hear you and I want you to know that I love you with all my heart" you say almost without air in your lungs because of the blow "and please forgive me for not being enough for you, I swear that everything makes sense, but there is nothing to do anymore. That you were always a family to me " "why are you saying that y/n, I'm getting worried ""where are you ""goodbye alexia, I love you" you said before you hung up and your whole world turned black.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

One more from (mostly) climate journalist David Roberts:

"I haven't written much about politics since the debate, mainly because I'm so overwhelmed by disgust & contempt toward this country's media & commentariat that it has rendered me inarticulate with rage. Twitter probably doesn't need more rage. I do just wanna make one point tho.

To be clear up front: I don't give one tiny hot fuck who the Dem nominee is. I truly don't. Biden's fine. Harris is fine. A warm puddle of vomit is fine. *There is no conceivable resolution to the nomination fight that could change the basic calculus of this race.*

Preventing a fascist takeover of the US is my top priority--as a journalist, as a voter, as a human. If it isn't yours too, you should feel bad about yourself. If you haven't made the stakes of this election clear to everyone within the sound of your voice, you should feel bad.

But I'm not gonna rant. [breathes deeply] Just gonna make my one point, which is this: the idea that that the process of jettisoning Biden & choosing someone else will go well -- will be *allowed* to go well -- is a deeply deranged fantasy.

The idea that Dems will do this & will end up feeling unified, that Harris will come out popular, that "the dynamics of the race will shift," all of that ... fucking deranged. Deranged in such a perfectly characteristic Dem way.

"This person/policy/slogan/approach has been irredeemably slimed by Republicans & a hostile media -- let's throw it overboard!" That's the Dem way. Always with this starry-eyed hope that they can reset, start over, get it right this time.

Just as one example -- other people have aggregated these -- there have been "calls" for every Dem nominee of the last 30 years to step aside. Dems practically delight in abandoning their own people, policies, & principles in response to bad-faith pressure. They f'ing love it.

But, as I've been saying for, oh, 20 years now, the situation is structural. The current situation is an outcome of a particular incentive structure & that structure will remain exactly the same if Harris takes over the ticket.

For centrists, journalists, pundits, *even Dem electeds*, the way you prove you are a Reasonable, Serious Person in DC is by shitting on Dems. For the left, the way you prove you are a true radical is by shitting on Dems. For the right ... well, obviously.

Everyone's professional incentives are to shit on Dems. Dwelling on Trump & his fascist movement -- however justified by the objective facts -- just doesn't bring that juice, doesn't get the clicks & the high-fives, doesn't feel brave & iconoclastic. It's just ... no fun.

So, say Biden stepped aside in favor of Harris tomorrow. How long until the vapid gossips we call political reporters find something wrong with her, some alleged flaw they just have to write 192 stories about? How long until the hopped-up mediocrities we call pundits ...

...find some "counter-intuitive" reason that the new Dem ticket is flawed after all? How long until the irredentist left gets over the temporary thrill of its new Harris memes & remembers that she's a cop & turns on her? How long before the ambient racism & misogyny in the US...

... lead center-leftists to conclude that, sure, they'd support a black woman, just not *this* black woman? In other words: how long before everyone reverts to their comfortable, familiar identity & narratives?

About 30 f'ing seconds, is my guess.

Dems uniting, feeling good, telling a clear story, receiving credit for their accomplishments--all of that is *impossible* in the current environment. It won't be allowed. Dems can punch themselves in the face all they want, abandon whoever they want, apologize all they want...

... they simply will not be allowed to turn the page & start fresh, because everyone's incentives remain the same. If they did that, elites, including media elites, would have no choice but to openly & frankly grapple with Trump & what he represents & they *don't want to*.

Everyone feels comfortable shitting on Dems -- it's just a cozy professional space. You get to feel brave & independent (just like all the replacement-level pundits around you) with zero risk.

Yes, it's abysmal, contemptible cowardice on a genuinely embarrassing scale ...

... but it is what it is & we should have no illusions that it will change with a change in the top of the ticket.

As @whstancil has been trying to tell you people (good god how he tries), the information environment is thoroughly corrupted.

@whstancil For some reason, left pundits are pathologically averse to acknowledging that fact. And so they grasp at these straws -- if we could just get rid of Biden, we could have a reasonable conversation! Yeah, sure. You absurd summer children.

@whstancil This election is not a choice between two individuals, it's a choice between worldviews, between futures. Do we want to continue down the path to multiethnic democracy or do we want to impose a white patriarchal Christian autocracy?

@whstancil At stake is the entire federal civil service. The machinery of state built since WWII. Freedom & dignity for millions. Yes, democracy itself. That's not an exaggeration. Yet this country's elites have utterly failed to convey those stakes to the populace. A *grotesque* failure.

You can not look at this extraordinary media freakout this last week and not psychologize, not see all kinds of displacement. They can't or won't be serious about Trump & so they are fucking *giddy* at having permission to scold Dems again. Their safe place.

Anyway, my point is just: none of this will change if Harris replaces Biden at the top of the ticket. The idea that the media -- with these soulless careerist court gossips in charge -- will allow it is just fantasy. They *need* Dems in disarray & so they will engineer it.

The US is right on the precipice of falling into bona fide fascism & *the vast majority of the voting public doesn't even know it*. That speaks to a deeply diseased information environment. Until Dems do something about that, all their self-flagellation will buy them nothing.

Not knowing what else to do, Dems shit on their own

(Rebecca Solnit)

[azsazz]

SJM Ask Game

Thank you for the tag @daydreaming-nerd !! 💙💙 (I do want to hear those redacted answers for where you put tharion lol) I feel like it's been so long since I've been on tumblr or even done one of these but I'm excited💙

1) What’s your favourite SJM book?

Hmmmm I'm gonna say ACOMAF because that's when I was first introduced to Azzy and the obsession began 💙😈

2) Which is your favourite series (tog, acotar or cc)

If you don't know me, CC is one of the worst books I've ever read. It's hard to choose between ACOTAR and TOG tho because they were both really good....

3) Who is your favourite character? (And why?)

Hehehehehehehehe. Az obviously 🥰

4) Do you have a favourite quote from one of the books?

Hmmmm...tbh not really...the ones that stay stuck in my head are the cringey ones...BUT, let's go with "Cassian shot him a glare. 'I don't see you spouting poetry, brother.' Azriel crossed his arms, still smiling faintly, 'I don't need to resort to it.'" THAT'S GODDAMN RIGHT BBY YOU DONT 💙💙 legs spread for mah boi

5) Favourite ship?

Azris frfr

6) Elriel or Gwynriel? Or neither?

Azris frfr

7) Who’s the most underrated SJM character?

Oooof there's so many. Fenrys. I've never gotten enough of him.

8) Which character do you wish to learn more about?

Azris frfr. I want both of their backstories rn

9) Are there any characters you don’t like?

Bryce Quinlan and Danika Fendyr

10) Favourite bat boy?

My king azriel 💙💙

11) Favourite court?/ Which one would you most like to live in?

Honestly I'd probably either live in Autumn or Night tbh.

12) Favourite SJM villain?

Does Tamlin count? lol.

13) If you could change one thing in any of the books what would it be?

That CC never happened

14) Favourite SJM theory?

Azris frfr

15) Favourite Archeron sister?

Prob Ness

16) A character you feel is over-hated/ underrated:

over-rated: bryce quinlan

under-rated: chaol 💙

17) Aelin, Bryce, or Feyre?

Aelin!!

18) What’s your favourite character from each series?

Fenrys, Azriel, Ruhn

19) If you wrote an acotar book what would you call it?

A Court of Smoke and Cinders? (azris frfr)

20) Who is your favourite acotar blogger?

nah there's literally too many to choose from

21)What fics would you recommend to people who love the series?

The Serpent and the Wings of Night

Questions for writers

22) Easiest character to write for?

Azzy because i built him brick by brick

23) Hardest character to write for?

LUCIEN. IDK WHY

24) What’s a character you’d like to write for but haven’t yet?

lol who haven't i written for? hmmmm...maybe fenrys, aedion, or hunt?

25) What’s a court you’d like to write about more?

Dawn!

26) What’s a character you won’t write for and why?

hmmm...idk I'd like to say that I'd try anything once...

27) If you could only write for one character ever again, who would you pick?

azzy. nobody compares to him

28) Whats your favourite trope to write about when it comes to Azriel?

right now i think modern aus...in any sort. or anything that involves angst i love putting everyone thru some shit

29) What do you think is the best/favourite acotar fic you’ve written?

hmmmm...i feel like this is impossible to choose

30) Who are your favourite friendships to write about?

eris x anyone because this man needs a friend

31) For first time readers to your blog, which three fics would you recommend they read?

LMAO ummm...I'll list at least one for. every character

Az: Cupid's Chokehold or Midnight Muse

Cass: In Storm or Dial Drunk or Better Men Have Hit Their Knees and Bigger Men Have Died

Eris: You Know I Always Liked Playing with Fire or Hide

Rhys: Clandestine Love or Dioxazine

Lucien: The Other Woman or My Happy Ending

or literally any poly can't go wrong with those tbh

No pressure tags: @writingsbychlo @acourtofwhatthefuck @i-am-a-lost-girl16 @azrielhours @a-frog-with-a-laptop or anyone else who wants to participate!

[mc-lukanette]

Ladybug just barely managed to squeeze through the window of the Liberty without being seen, her groan overtaking the sound of her detransformation. Finding places to hide as Marinette was simple when she could so easily slip out of a group, but when Ladybug got so much attention from everyone, it was nearly impossible to get back to where she was before. As it was, she'd had to use her aqua powers to hide in the water until she was sure it was safe to leap into the Liberty.

Maybe I should start carrying the mouse, she thought, slapping her cheeks to try and snap herself back into focus. Her mind whirled as she tried to remember what her excuse had been so she could follow up on it.

She was pretty sure it’d been snacks; she’d told everyone that she was heading downstairs to get snacks and drinks for them.

Heading over to the door leading to the deck, she opened it back up and hurried to grab some trays to put snacks on. Fumbling to gather things to make up for the time she was away, she tried not to get distracted by the conversation she could faintly hear up on deck.

"Haven't you wanted to change your look? It's been months now," came Mylene's voice. "Those costumes are starting to get old. I don't know about everyone else's, but Ivan's is starting to get beat up."

Marinette froze. Even without hearing the specific words, she knew they were talking about Kitty Section's costumes.

"We could ask Marinette to fix them up?" Rose suggested.

Alya dismissed the idea. "She's been busy all week! There's no way."

She wasn't wrong. Marinette tensed, already thinking about what'd just happened. She was living three lives - Marinette, Ladybug, and now the guardian - so it was only logical that she couldn't keep up.

"Oh," Zoe piped up. "If it's the costumes, I could find someone who's worked with real bands before on costumes? You could get a designer who could make something that'd last for a long time."

"Really? That's right, you even know the mayor!"

"That'd be awesome!"

"As long as you don't let Chloe hear, okay?"

Marinette fidgeted with the tray, hating the fact that a familiar jealousy was stirring in her chest. She and Zoe were friends, with Marinette being the one who vouched for her in the first place, so she had no one to blame but herself. Zoe was a great person: she was friendly, not awkward, and was even building a better relationship with the mayor of Paris. Anyone would want her company and Marinette couldn't compete with that.

It was inevitable that the costumes could get worn or damaged too, even by accident. She breathed up, steeling herself for the topic as she took the trays of snacks and started heading up to the deck.

Then, she heard Luka chime in, "They're Marinette's designs. We worked on them together and those two weeks are a verse I never want to forget."

"You don't have to throw the costumes away or anything," Alix interjected, confused by the emotional weight behind the words. "You'll just have new designs."

He paused, then directed his voice elsewhere as he asked, "What do you guys think?"

Some hums sounded amongst the rest of Kitty Section, Rose speaking up first to say, "New designs just mean we have more designs, right?"

Ivan added on, unsure, "I thought it was cool of Marinette to make these for us. It's kinda hard finding stuff that fits me."

"Mm," Juleka hummed noncommittally. "I like the worn look..."

"I guess it would be up to the band," Mylene pointed out. "Maybe we could vote yay or nay?"

"We're not getting anywhere like this," Alya countered. "All I'm saying is that it'll just put pressure on—"

By that point, Marinette had already stepped into view with the trays. She'd taken time and focus so as to not topple anything by accident, but was still wholly aware of the conversations. All eyes darted to her and it was difficult to tell who felt awkward and who was simply waiting for her to speak.

Keeping her expression as flat as possible, she went over to the nearest table and set the trays down. Standing straight to face everyone, she told them, "It's like Alya said: I'm busy. I'm not reliable enough to make repairs or new ones either, so..." She shrugged as casually as she could. "Those designs were made on a time crunch anyway, and I want you guys to have the best."

"See?" Alya gestured at Marinette whilst looking at Luka. "She thinks so too."

Having just been Ladybug a few minutes ago, Marinette had already had more than enough attention for the day. Preferring not to involve herself further, she turned on her heel and started heading back below deck, leaving Zoe free to use her connections without guilt of her watching.

"Marine—" Luka called behind her, but stopped short. She heard his footsteps follow after hers, but didn't discourage him and continued walking.

As she re-entered the lounge room, she went straight for the couch; not around, but straight ahead for the backrest. Putting her hands on top, she hefted herself over and plopped down onto the cushions, allowing her to lay back and stare up at the ceiling. A click of the door followed and Luka's face soon hovered over her from above the backrest.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Why? You were trying to defend me."

He put his forearms up on the couch, allowing him to lean forward more. "You're part of the band too, to me. I shouldn't've said anything without you there."

"You don't believe me." It wasn't a question.

"I just wanted to make sure there wasn't something deeper to it."

As deep as a bottomless pit, Marinette lamented, wanting to scream but not having the voice to. Instead, she waved her arms about and continued to insist, "Look, I really am busier than when I made you those outfits! That's why we we couldn't date!"

His eyes widened at that, and it took her a moment to realize why: she hadn't specified that part when they'd broken up. She'd been tired, emotionally drained, and not thinking particularly clearly at the time, so the actual reasoning had been left out.

"When you're ready, I'll be here, Marinette," was what he'd said then, but the actual timeline after the fact was a little fuzzy for some reason. She guessed it was also related to her exhaustion.

She sat up to be closer to him, talking again before she could think further on it, "I'd feel awful if Kitty Section had to keep holding itself back because I don't have the energy for it, okay? You guys need new costumes and Zoe is the best for the job, so don't do this for me—"

"Zoe?" Luka's brows drew together in puzzlement.

"...Yes?" She tilted her head, equally confused by his response. "She's the one who offered. She has connections that I don't."

He shook his head. "That's not it. She's not the best for the job, she's just finding someone else to do it."

Marinette stopped halfway to a reply, having been caught in her mindset. Either he was that observant or she was extremely transparent about it. She planted her soles on the floor, turning so that her back faced him.

Luka walked around the couch to sit next to her, keeping a careful distance but being close enough for them to talk comfortably with each other. "Zoe can't do what you do, Marinette." Then, thoughtful, he assured, "But we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

Except that was just the thing. She wanted to - always wanted to - yet there were never-ending obstacles to that. Everything she said had to be carefully calculated or she'd run the risk of causing everyone more trouble, but sometimes the choice would just be taken from her anyway if she waited too long. It was a tightrope walk of balancing words she should say with words that she shouldn't.

And she wanted off.

"I—" She grit her teeth, hands gripping the fabric of her capris. "It's not... it's not about what she can do. It's about what she doesn't have to. She doesn't have to worry about a packed schedule, or dealing with responsibilities she didn't ask for, or making time to do something for a friend because she can find someone else to do it."

Luka let out a hum of acknowledgment. She saw his hand reach over out of the corner of her eye, hovering silently over her hand closest to him. When she didn't pull back or express displeasure, his hand dropped onto hers and squeezed.

"There's nothing wrong with being jealous," he told her.

Stiffening, she pulled away from him on the couch and stood back up, arguing, "But there is! Zoe hasn't done anything wrong and I'm not allowed to want you after what happened, especially not when she's just a better me!"

"...What?"

She groaned, messing up her own bangs just so she could fix them again. "A better me. She was bullied too, but she's not—she's not like me. No one teases her or makes fun of her for what she does, but I'm such a disaster with everything that—"

"You want me?" he clarified.

Marinette met his gaze, having thought that was obvious from having told him why she'd had to break up with him. "Yeah? Who wouldn't?" Paying no mind to the blush that appeared on his face, she continued to throw her arms out and vent, "But I don't make people happy! I don't fit! Zoe doesn't get upset like I do, she doesn't have to run off all the time, and she doesn't make people argue over costumes since she's not the one who makes them anyway!"

She couldn't even look at Luka anymore, too ashamed to face him directly. She couldn't recall how she'd made the connection between her own issues and Zoe's, but finding out that she was jealous was another matter. It took time to properly recognize the feeling, but only because her initial experiences with jealousy were different.

Specifically, with Adrien. Whenever it came to seeing other girls around him, she'd wanted to interfere, to stop it at all costs. The exception had been Kagami at times, but due to a mixture of guilt and a desire not to lose her friendship with someone who'd openly told her (openly told Ladybug) that she prioritized pursuing Adrien over said friendship.

With Luka though, she'd never felt any rivalry or animosity towards anyone she deemed a "better fit" for him, and she never thought to act out on it. While Zoe had never made attempts to go after Luka herself, Marinette imagined it was only a matter of time if Zoe was indeed a better her, and she'd find it hard to complain if it ended up working out.

The difference in her states of jealousy was obvious: one was an obsession - "eyes on the prize," so to speak - while the other was a genuine love and desire to see the person she loved be happy. It hurt thinking about how it would all end regardless, but she was prepared to face it.

"...Marinette," Luka began slowly, still piecing his words together. He inhaled, exhaled, then finally said, "You can't decide that."

She faltered, scared to look at him directly in case she had an unpleasant expression on, but too confused not to do something. She turned her head just enough to peek at him through her bangs.

He continued without her asking directly, "No one makes me happy the way you do. Not Zoe, not anyone. You can't decide who fits me best just like everyone else can't decide what to do about the costumes without hearing you out first."

"But..." She shook her head despondently. "It was a nightmare dating me? I don't want you to want me if it'll just lead to that."

"What if you're the musician?"

That got her to look at him, in sheer befuddlement if nothing else. She'd registered the oncoming metaphor, but still failed to follow it to its conclusion. "What do you mean?"

"What if you're the musician, and I'm the guitar you had to stop playing because the music didn't sound right?" He put his hands in place to act as if there was a guitar in his lap. "Then you see a newer, fancier guitar that comes with all sorts of accessories, and everyone thinks you'd look great with it."

She gaped, horrified by the thought. "I-I wouldn't want that!" She sat down next to him again, huffing. "Just because it's new and fancy doesn't mean it'd work for me, and I already have memories with the guitar I have now! Maybe the music didn't work but—"

Something clicked. Luka must've seen it in her expression too, his frown making way for a smile instead.

"...There's nothing wrong with the instrument," she finished quietly.

He nodded. "Yeah. It was bad timing. Even the best musicians can get the timing wrong when it matters."

Sliding closer to her as she'd done earlier to him, he gripped her shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug. Marinette gasped sharply, suddenly surrounded by warmth when she'd felt so cold before. It really was as if he'd never let her go so long as she didn't move.

Whispering so as to not break the moment, Luka questioned, "Do you know what it was about my dad?"

She gripped onto whatever fabric was nearest to her, uttering a soft, "M-mm?" in response.

"I know he left, and it hurt me, but he came back in the end. He wanted to make it up to me. He could've decided that I wasn't worth it, or that he still wasn't interested in being around me, but he didn't." He rubbed her back, seeking to soothe her. "I believe in second chances, and if someone wants to ask me for one, then it's my choice to let them back in. I'm choosing you, Marinette."

She blinked rapidly, feeling potential tears coming on. While reluctant to pull apart from him, she broke the hug momentarily to see his face again. The temptation to jump on the offer was strong, but she admitted, "I...I don't know how to convince myself that it's okay."

"I can show you," he offered. "We'll take it at whatever pace you want, and I'll show you that it's okay."

Her eyes give him the answer before her mouth did, her body stunned still by the gesture. She'd really thought that she'd lost him for good and that there wasn't any hope left, but he stuck with her anyway.

She wanted to kiss him in gratitude, but it didn't happen right away. The close contact made it easy for her to let her hands wander, fingertips trailing across the bare skin of his forearms. Luka accepted all of it, reciprocating by touching her face and feeling along her cheekbones as if he hadn't already memorized every centimeter of them.

They were the kinds of touches that she'd - that they'd - wanted since they got together in the first place, but never did. They're gentle yet eager, tentative yet meaningful.

The kiss followed afterward, somewhat clumsy when their noses bumped, but they weren't deterred from continuing. They held each other, relishing in the contact they hadn't gotten to have the first time they'd attempted it at the cinema. Even the soft 'click' as they pulled apart became ingrained in Marinette's memory as something special.

Luka touched his lips with his fingertips, feeling along the surface, but stopped to point out, "You've been worrying about me this whole time."

"H-hm?" She also had to stop herself from touching her lips to reply.

"What about you?" he prompted, staring at her directly. "How do you feel?"

Her lips quivered, but she was smiling. Knowing that he knew the answer already, she threw her arms around him to return his hug from earlier.

She felt happy. She felt like she could safely talk to him about things without fear or repercussions. She felt the weight of the world lift off her shoulders, even if it was only for a moment.

Most importantly, she felt loved.

[thewritingmagician2022]

Midnights - Taylor Swift - Brothers and Dateables

Lucifer: Maroon

The mark they saw on my collarbone

The rust that grew between telephones

The lips I used to call home

So scarlet, it was maroon

This sound is very Lucifer and, despite the navy color the game assigns to him, I will always associate red with Lucifer - especially a deep, dark red. This song is about a relationship ending and it makes me think of MC returning back to the human world and while they keep in touch with everyone at first, the contact between them and Lucifer fades quickly as they both return to v their normal lives. Especially now with the lyric video released and we know it says “it’s a real fucking legacy, to leave”. MC leaving is what really lingers and Lucifer is the one who is stuck with that. 

Mammon: Sweet Nothing

And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more"

To you, I can admit that I’m just too soft for all of it

-

They said the end is comin'

Everyone's up to somethin'

I find myself runnin' home to your sweet nothings

Mammon, my sweet man, who wants everything that the worlds have to offer but he can never find anything better than MC. There is nothing sweeter to him than the praise they give him or their declarations of love. Mammon deals with a lot of criticism and pressure, not just from his brothers but from the Devildom in general. He’s a very high ranking demon and that comes with certain expectations; if he’s being honest, Mammon thinks he may be a little too soft for all of it but the only person he’s willing to be so honest and vulnerable around is MC - the one person who doesn’t expect anything from him but his love. 

Levi:  Glitch

We were supposed to be just friends

- 

I think there’s been a glitch

Five seconds later, I'm fastening myself to you with a stitch

And I'm not even sorry, nights are so starry

This song is so Levi. He goes into this thing with MC thinking he’s just found a new friend and he’s sure this little crush of his will just pass by. The more time he spends with them, the faster he’ll realize that there’s nothing special about them, right? Wrong. The more time they spend together, the more attached Levi grows and the more he wants to see them. Something has shifted in their dynamic and Levi is forced to realize how much he cares about them and in exactly what way. 

Satan: Snow on the Beach

Flying in a dream

Stars by the pocketful

You wanting me tonight, feels impossible

But it's comin' down, no sound, it's all around

Like snow on the beach

Snow on the Beach is very ethereal sounding and I always associate that with Satan. I’m the very beginning of the game Satan is described as looking like a regular Prince Charming and we quickly learn that’s not quite true. Satan is pretty reticent, especially in the beginning, and MC doesn’t seem very interested in him. But, over time, they get closer and closer and MC is shocked to realize that Satan cares about them. Satan is just as surprised that MC feels the same way. Together they navigate a romance that’s very fairytale-esque and unexpected but wonderful. 

Asmo: Question

'Cause I don't remember who I was

Before you painted all my nights

A color I've searched for since

-

Does it feel like everything's just like

Second best after that meteor strike?

I think this is the way everyone would feel after a break up with Asmo. How are you supposed to find another lover, another partner, after they’ve been with the Avatar of Lust? The crown jewel of the three realms? You don’t. Nothing else will ever compare to that kind of love. But what MC doesn’t realize is that Asmo feels the same way. He’s been with so many people he could never try to keep track but he’s never had anyone quite like you again and, as he’s realizing, he can’t find anyone else who colored his world quite like MC did. So they’re both left wondering ‘does the other person feel the same way? Do they regret this like I do?’. 

Belphie: Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve

And if you never saved me from boredom

I could've gone on as I was

But, lord, you made me feel important

And then you tried to erase us

Oh, you're a crisis of my faith

Would've, could've, should've

If I'd only played it safe

I was so tempted to use The Great War instead because things end up okay with Belphie but I just can’t because MC wasn’t imagining wrongdoings that never happened. Belphie literally killed them after spending weeks befriending/seducing them, making them feel so important because of the role they were going to play in freeing him and bringing the family back together even though they knew Belphie was supposedly a risk. Everything was going well and MC was on the “right” path until they met Belphie, the Devil in disguise, and that meeting changed everything.

Beel: Paris

Privacy sign on the door

And on my page and on the whole world

Romance is not dead if you keep it just yours

I think Beel would be very private in a relationship and it’s not because he doesn’t love MC or is ashamed of them but because he’s so fiercely protective. All he wants is to keep MC safe and keep them to himself seems like the best way to do that. And that’s just fine with MC because in a realm where they are constantly being scrutinized it’s so nice to have something that’s just theirs. No one can touch that love with their judgment or opinions or jealousy. It’s a perfect little bubble around them and they wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Diavolo: Lavendar Haze

Talk your talk and go viral

I just need this love spiral

Get it off your chest

Get it off my desk

-

I feel the lavender haze creeping up on me

Surreal

I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say

Diavolo is 100% Taylor in this song. He is always in the spotlight of the Devildom, obviously, and that means everyone there has an opinion on everything he does. That applies to his relationships; in fact, it’s even worse for romantic connections. It drives him crazy sometimes, especially when it affects MC. But MC is always there to comfort him and reminds him that people can say whatever they want - the only thing that matters is how they feel about each other. It because Diavolo’s mantra whenever he gets frustrated and he knows that he can deal with whatever people have to say as long as he has MC. 

Barbatos: Mastermind

What if I told you none of it was accidental?

And the first night that you saw me

Nothing was gonna stop me

I laid the groundwork, and then

Just like clockwork

The dominoes cascaded in a line

The demon who can see through time and all of its possibilities using his powers to gather information on MC? It’s more likely than you think. Barbatos is efficient, thorough, and dedicated. There is no chance that he would stumble along blindly while trying to win MC over. He knows the exact role he needs to play, knows how to interest them and make them like him, make them trust him. To anyone looking at their relationship from the outside, it would seem like a cute little love story where the MC just happens to fall for the butler that’s always there behind the scenes and that’s how Barbatos likes it. Little does he know that MC is not nearly as oblivious as he thinks he is and, luckily, they find it endearing. 

Simeon: Hits Different

Dreams of your hair and your

Stare and sense of belief

In the good in the world, you once

Believed in me

And I felt you and I held you

For a while

Taylor, can you please release this as a single? I am so tired of finding bootleg versions to listen to. Back to the point, I absolutely hate the idea of MC and Simeon being separated but I fully believe that MC would be an absolute wreck without their angel around to love them and encourage them to make good choices. So MC is back home in the human realm and they’re heartbroken and their friends don’t understand the name they’re slurring at the bar and crying over. All MC wants is to be back with Simeon - the one person (angel) who loved them so fully. The one person who always believed in them and encouraged them and made them feel like they could truly be as good as he thinks they are. MC has known heartbreak before but nothing could ever compare to the pain of losing someone so perfect; it just hits different. 

Solomon: Labyrinth

Uh-oh, I'm fallin' in love

Oh no, I'm fallin' in love again

Oh, I'm fallin' in love

I thought the plane was goin' down

How'd you turn it right around?

If you don’t think that this song is Solomon’s, you’re absolutely wrong. We don’t know much about this shady sorcerers past but we do know that he’s been married before and we can assume that he’s been in love multiple times over the thousands of years. Based on his typically guarded or nonchalant behavior, I have to assume that his heart has been broken enough times to make him very wary of love. Then along comes MC and slowly, so slowly he almost doesn’t realize it’s happening, Solomon falls in love. It’s terrifying at first and he’s angry with himself for letting it happen but MC makes him so happy and once they admit their feelings, Solomon can’t help but give into his own and he finds he doesn’t mind quite as much as he thought he did.

[arandomexistantbeing]

Wow ! I never expected that people will like this cookie run kingdom au that I made , but thank you very much everyone !!

I suppose I should write something about the Legendary cookies now ... I'll try my best !

Also , I just want to say that I'm very bad at the lore so please forgive me if I get anything wrong

...

Let's start !

Moonlight Cookie

I remember that in the game , they talk about magic from the dark side of the moon , so I'm gonna use that

Moonlight Cookie's staff is a key, right ? Well that key locks the gates to the dark side of the moon . But from time to time , the magic of the dark side of the moon tries to come out.

Moonlight Cookie was fighting the magic of the dark side of the moon with all her strengh, but she failed once , and that day was fatal . But she managed to close the gates so the most dangerous spells of the dark side of the moon can't get out.

The Key staff then breaks and turns into golden dream dust and floats away with the wind.

The dark side of the moon magic took possession of her body , using her magic to become stronger . Moonlight Cookie has no longer control of her body now , like if another entity was there instead of her

Now all the City of Wisards is under the control of that magic .

The 'entity' inside Moonlight Cookie is still trying to figure out how to open the gates in order to get all of it magic

Stardust Cookie is also possesed by that magic and he no longer control his body, it's a similar case with his sister

And the travels across space are impossible to archive

And most of the dreams are now turned into nightmares ...

Sea Fairy Cookie

Sea Fairy Cookie became sad when she found out about what happened to Moonlight Cookie. And this sadness affects the sea.

The storms get more and more frequent around . It gets really dangerous when you start to get away from the shore.

Sailors say that in the night , they can hear a voice crying far away... And every full Moon, there's a huge storm the whole night , once you far away for the shore , there's no escape from the storm .

Sea Fairy Cookie somehow became stronger , she can't get cursed easily or she can't be turned into ice .

But now , all she can do is to protect Tearcrown considering it the last thing left for her to love and sherish

She became over protective over the inhabitants of the sea. She hardly evere lets them see the surface of water ...

The sailors say that the sea became less vibrant than how it was back then , it doesn't reflect the colors of the sky like it used to ...

If someone could see her face , they would tell you that she has a look full of sadness and regret and her eyes sparkling with strong tears...

Black Pearl Cookie

Black Pearl Cookie is still White Pearl Cookie here ( maybe it will change )

Crimson Coral Cookie got really sick making it impossible for her to lead and protect Tearcrown . She became really pale and almost lost all of her colors ( like sick coral turns white )

The Sea has decided to name White Pearl Cookie to replace her older sister .

It is a very task in hand for her , but her sisters will help her , right ... right ... ? ( I have no idea how did the color change )

Of course they will help her ! But nothing is free in life . In exchange of their help , White Pearl Cookie' sisters always force her to give them some power in decisions to their favor

White Pearl Cookie live in constant pressure from her sisters and the mercookies of Cookies of Tearcrown

White Pearl Cookie can't really handle the pressure , she tried to swim away multiple times. But it seemed like Tearcrown was kind of envelopped by a kind of force that let nobody leaves.

Also there are very strong sea currents around Tearcrown, making it harder to everyone to swim . It has also caused a lot of accidents among the mercookies, adding another problem to the list

White Pearl Cookie is so trapped to face the pressure , sadness and the harsh truth of life .

Maybe , she will one day snap and turn into a harsh cold ruller ( grey )

Frost Queen Cookie

As a protector of the cycle of nature , Frost Queen Cookie can sens that the world is more and more turning into a chaos , with dark energy emerging from everywhere

She then got convinced that in order to get the order back , she had to firstly fight off the ancients cookies then put the world under a thick layer of snow ...

But the ancients cookies managed to cast a spell on her that removes most of her powers , and then they defeated her

Frost Queen Cookie is now aweakened and lost her role as a protector of the cycle of nature

She's now cursed, cursed to walk around the continent while she brings a blizzard anywhere she goes

A lot of innocent people get stuck in the blizzard and there's hardly any chances to escape .

When a cookie gets stuck in the blizzard and they're about to pass , they can hear a faint sad whisper " I'm sorry I failed you ... "

The souls of the cookies who passed in the blizzard stays in there floating in the cold forever , and their past bodies turn into frozen sculptures.

The more the hatred of Frost Queen Cookie for the ancients cookies grow , the harsher the blizzard becomes.

Frost Queen Cookie walks around all of Earthbread near the kingdoms to make them suffer from the blizzard

She's now just the shadow of herself , she's almost unrecognizable . Blinded with revenge and hatred ... ( She looks like a fusion of her past self [Frost Cookie] and [Frost Queen Cookie] with glowing and percing blue eyes )

Thank you everyone for reading , I hope you enjoyed reading this . It took me a lot of time to write. And for some reason it got deleted so I had to write it again . Thank you tho !

[unhelpfulfemme]

I'm rereading the Lymond Chronicles right now and, as a lover of twisty, strategic bastards, I have to say that Dunnett understands things about how to write them properly that few others do. Everything that happens in these books lands in a very heavy, physical way - like, you can almost feel the physical thunk as events land, whereas most other twisty bastards books feel like floaty CGI whose physicality you're never really fully buying, fun as the special effects are.

So I tried to do a little analysis as to why, because I live for a twisty strategic bastard narrative :)

Lymond has a personality and is driven by his emotions, despite his cleverness and chessmaster tendencies - he doesn't do everything out of strategic consideration, and you can clearly see his fault lines from the start - glimpses of suppressed emotion, flaws that may be his undoing, irrational choices that clearly fulfill a psychological purpose but not a strategic one. Everyone is allowed to be pathetic and annoying and unlikeable. And all this is allowed to shape the plot - sometimes the character will be allowed emotions and a personality but not where it impacts the plot, so you will get a sort of a parallel lines thing where there's an "emotion" plot where the character is perhaps allowed to be flawed and show off their personality, and which perhaps impacts their interpersonal relationships, and a "competence" plot where the character always performs near-flawlessly and their emotions never enter into the game, and never the twain shall meet. No matter how controlled and self-possessed someone is, it strains my credulity when a person is portrayed as someone in possession of major personal flaws or psychological anguish, and yet this is never allowed to spill over into the way they interact with the "competence" plot or derail them in any way. Especially if they are portrayed as someone suppressing everything for efficiency's sake - they are going to crack at some point, and the stitches are going to burst open like a shaken bottle of soda with innards flying everywhere and hitting everyone around them, and if they're not, you're clearly not putting your character under enough pressure. Which makes for a boring story. The fact that Lymond is 100% human 100% of the time actually makes him look more competent and impressive, not less.

He is allowed to fail, because flaws are human and failure is human. The more convoluted a plan the more possible points of failure it has, and this is especially the case if large chunks of it rely on understanding and manipulating human beings: humans are messy complex dynamic systems, like the weather, and are therefore difficult if not impossible to predict to that degree of granularity. Lymond is allowed to misjudge Scott, for example, he is allowed to have his convoluted plans go wrong, and this is allowed to derail him: sometimes he bounces back, yes, but he is not constantly failing upwards, and his failures do have unfixable consequences sometimes. If they never did, the narrative would become boring and void of tension and emotion. The fact that the difficulty of pulling off these plans is realistically portrayed through the inclusion of stochasticity makes me admire his capacity to pull them off as often as he does more and not less.

He is allowed to fail in a way that's his own fault - combining my previous two points, it's not always that circumstances have conspired in such a way that he couldn't possibly predict or influence it; his failures are often a consequence of his own flaws and his own psychological hangups and blind spots, and are therefore all the more pleasing to read about because they tie into the emotional and personal narrative of the books. (Though I do also love the narratives where the brilliant hero does everything right and yet is trapped in a set of shifting wider historical circumstances where whatever he does is doomed to fail eventually, like Bel Riose from the Foundation books or even Thrawn.)

Another important point is when he's allowed to fail - I read somewhere that a deux ex machina or a similar contrivance that kick starts the plot is more tolerable and less suspension of disbelief-breaking than one which resolves it at the climax, and I think that it's kind of the opposite with failures of twisty bastards? So many people writing them seem to adore the competence porn too much to let them fail at crucial moments - if they do fail, even if it checks all my previous points, it's at the beginning, so that they are then allowed to use their cleverness twist out of the situation - see Eugenides in Return of the Thief, whose stubbornness and jealousy loses him the support of his foreign allies, but who then manages to pull through despite it (and is then vindicated by them never having had the intention to help in the first place due to realpolitik considerations). Or Miles Vorkosigan in Memory - he has a lapse of judgement at the start, but he makes no further lapses of judgement, and even his emotional journey of depression and reexamining of his life (the series' high point of characterization complexity tbh) has absolutely no bearing on his efficient functioning within the plot itself.

Which brings me to, consider also the role that this failure has in the narrative - because unless you're writing something that's just hardcore sociological storytelling (again, like the Foundation), this is a story about individuals, and a climax with personal stakes is almost always more satisfying than a more impersonal one where the hero gets to show off his cleverness. When Lymond fails in The Game of Kings, it swerves the plot from a very mechanistic, spy-novel-esque intrigue of finding the right man and clearing his name, to a psychodrama that forces him to confront his brother and face his past emotionally, and that also airs all of Lymond's flaws and misconceptions and pent-up emotions, but also all of Richard's, because this is the driving force of the narrative and it's so much more satisfying to watch it unfold than it would have been to watch Lymond bounce back and execute everything with flawless mechanical accuracy. Compare this to the climaxes of most new canon Thrawn books, or most Vorkosigan books (the one big exception is Brother in Arms - actually the more Mark the book has, the likelier it is to have an emotion-driven denouement), or all of the Inda books, or all of the Gentleman Bastards books - at best they will put a loved one in danger or kill them off to generate personal stakes, but what does Thrawn's personality, for example, have to do with the resolution of the plot in his books? I love those books, but they don't land nearly as hard. Compare and contrast Tyrion's trial in ASOIAF - Tyrion is also a twisty bastard but the process of him defending himself and running away doesn't involve his wits - it involves confronting his father and brother, about whom he has massive emotional baggage.

Anyway the TL;DR is you should all read the Lymond Chronicles.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

As an aroace I always wondered how it feels to be "in love" and how I realize if I am in love. I never had been or just didn't realized it but it happened that people started to tell me I would be and when I tried dating I realized pretty fast this wasn't the case and I was just feeling uncomfortable.

Since then I've been asking myself how do I know? Everytime I try to google how it feels like I just find how it feels for people who aren't on the a-spec. This is starting to drive me crazy. Especially because I'm almost 30 and everyone starts to tell me how I have to hurry and find a partner otherwise my life will be miserable because I don't have a partner and children. But what if I don't want that?

Right now I'm only putting so much preassure on myself because I'm scared of being alone later on even if I know I don't need or want such a relationship. For me it would be more than enough to live in a platonic houshold like a shared flat. All that is important for me is to have people around with whom I can talk to and spend some time with but also hide in my room alone if needed.

Yeah I don't want to live completely alone but I also don't want such a relationship and most of all I don't want kids. Just give me friends I can move in with and I'm happy.

Thinking about living with someone and have to spend 24/7 with them makes me feel so uncomfortable. I need my own space, my own room where I can go to for some me-time. I don't want to share EVERYTHING with another person and have no place to be able to retreat every now and then. It already makes me so uncomfortable when I see my parents and thinking about that this apparently is supposed to be my future. They have not a single room to themself, they have to share their bedroom, the living room, just everything and always have to make compromises how they want to set up the rooms and do stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I'm fine with doing that but again give me at least one room that's only mine and where I can do whatever and how ever I want to do things without taking another person into account and asking if this is okay with them. And I also want to make my own plans without having to ask another person first if it's okay all the time.

Sorry for the long text I just needed to rant because this bothers me for years now and it just don't seem to get better but worse and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this problem.

In love can mean different things to different people, and it can feel differently too. I would say anyone or anything you care deeply about you can consider yourself to be in love, but this is also a term you can define for yourself. Being in love is also not something you have to experience or you have to want, some people never feel like they're in love, and that's OK too. I always feel like that ability to choose and define things for ourselves is a big part of the a-spec experience. And it can make things more difficult, but it can also be more fulfilling in the long run.

Not finding a partner by a certain age doesn't mean you're destined to be lonely or miserable. And some of the things you mention like wanting your own room/space or liking the idea of living with friends are definitely things I've heard other aros say they like too. This isn't an impossible situation, though it does involve finding your people, but people who want similar things do exist.

It sounds like you've been under a lot of pressure to fit a certain mold, or live your life a certain way. That can definitely be difficult, but know you're not alone. And that you're allowed to live your life in whatever way you feel works for you.

All the best, Anon! Take care!

[ovaryacted]

hi nic!! any advice on how to start writing on tumblr? i have so many ideas for Leon fics (like, i swear, my head is about to explode) but this place terrifies me sm, i just want to write cheesy stuff about that man and give him a break

Heyyy anon! I know you sent this a couple of days ago but I hope my answers will be able to give you a guide. I also may not be so proficient on this since 1 - I started taking writing seriously in late August of last year and 2 - I'm sort of an inconsistent writer when it comes to fanfics lol. But regardless, I'll give you some tips that helped me along the way. This also may be a tad long so I apologize but I will try to make this cohesive lmao.

1 - For one, write what you want, not because it's popular but because you want to write it. In the beginning, I was always somewhat anxious about how other people would interpret my writing especially when it came to my understanding and experience of kinks, and as a result, I burnt myself out and stopped writing for a while. I also grew detached from the very thing that I enjoyed (Leon), and it made being a part of the community less fun even if it's crazy. Write what you want because you want to, not because it's popular or trendy but because it will make you happy. Don't do shit for clout or popularity either, especially if you're not interested in writing smut, because believe me you will start hating your comfort character and you don't want that to happen. The right people who like your content will find you and stick around, believe me. It's easier said than done to not get discouraged, but it's not impossible. KEEP GOING!

2 - Develop a style or aesthetic. You don't necessarily have to do this part, it's more of a personal preference thing, but I think finding a specific way to organize moodboards, pictures, or fonts will make your work stand out. It took me a while to figure out how I like setting up my posts in the certain way that I do, but it pays off because it feels more like I have ownership over my own work. Plus, it's fun making your posts cute, all the more reason to do it.

3 - Write things in the way you can best describe it. What I mean by this is don't feel discouraged that you don't use big extravagant words and metaphors in your writing. Sometimes, people will use very descriptive language that authors use and it can be hard to consume for people who want to come online and destress, now they have to figure out what words mean. (No hate to authors who do that either, very appreciative of them actually and they're very inspiring). All I'm saying is that you don't need to write like you're writing a thesis from Oxford, write how it comes to your head, and edit it after, no pressure. Writing is supposed to be fun, not stressful, so don't stress yourself out more by using words you don't need. Writing is a skill, which people often forget. So the more you do it, the more it will come naturally to you and you will develop your "writing style" on your own. What you should take away from this, is to just write what's on your mind anyway.

4 - When writing, have a plan. You don't always need an outline, and some people can write full pieces on the fly or just blurbs of small ideas that come to mind, but some brainstorming really helps. Usually, once you actually sit with an idea and plan it out a bit longer, you can find out other things you want to add to the piece you're putting out. It also just makes things more concrete, but then again, everyone has different ways to write. There's nothing wrong with testing out a few ways before doing it in the best way you understand.

5 - Follow creative writing pages for inspiration on prompts or writing tips. There is nothing wrong with seeking out material for inspiration or at least a start, or even following other writers and getting inspired to do your own twist or take on something they wrote (with credits obviously). There are so many pages out there that are meant to give creators a guide on how to strengthen their writing and ideas they can use for themselves. People don't own tropes or ideas, the world is your oyster, don't be scared to choose one thing and get that extra push you need to create what you want.

6 - Last thing I'll say is don't be scared to interact with other people. Tumblr is literally meant for interactions, without that we have nothing. I know this site is scary sometimes, but there are people on here who are in the same position as you right now, wanting to get started but don't know how. Sometimes, you just have to start and worry about all the other "professional" shit afterward. There is no right way to manage a blog, you do what you want to do on your space. Be weird! Be crazy! Be different! As long as you're having fun, that's all that should matter.

7 - And another thing, don't be afraid to use the tags. That's what they're there for, use them. You're not spamming the tags or being annoying, use them to give your posts visibility and keep it pushing.

Also big note: don't worry about other people, block who you need to block, and stay out of the drama. Believe me, it will make your time on here much easier to digest and less scary. The discourse is never worth it, because you don't know these people, and they don't know you. It's the internet, shape your own experience and what you want to do on here.

[peter-pantomime]

Stranger Things Fic Recs, Part 4

Part Three | Two | One

Gen

Let Me Just Hold You Now (Steve and Robin)

Steve has a routine for nights like this. A routine for the times when his world gets flipped on its axis. Just four simple steps to keep his body alive while his mind tries to sort through whatever fucked up thing he just went through. Steve has a Routine. Robin breaks that Routine.

i'm right up the road (Steve, Max, and Eddie)

“Well—“ The guy flounders for a second before taking another very brave and heroic two steps into the room. “Does he have like, medication or something? Are you supposed to call someone?” “I don’t know! That’s why I asked you to help me!“ “Well I don’t know!” He nearly yells, more stressed than angry. This is definitely not what Steve meant when he’d advised them to stay calm and not panic. Don’t bring in a random guy who’s only going to fuel the panic.

A Heart Whose Love is Innocent (Wayne and Eddie)

Eddie hadn't spoken a single word to him since showing up on his doorstep with nothing but the clothes on his back and a single, half-empty backpack, about a week ago. Wayne had never considered himself to be a particularly patient person, but apparently he wasn't too old to learn something new about himself, because he was. He was so very patient with the boy. When he talked to the kid and received nothing but vague head movements or the occasional grunt for an answer, Wayne didn't press, didn't push, didn't do anything but accept that this was how they communicated for now, and it wasn't fine, exactly, but Wayne could wait. 5 times Wayne had a conversation with Eddie, and 1 time Wayne had a conversation about Eddie.

Steve/Eddie

the shame is on the other side

Steve wants to go to a place where monsters aren't real and people don't care about him, and he wants to drink and dance and stop thinking for once. Just once. He lands in a gay bar. And then he keeps landing there.

it would be surrender to let me see

[...] The point is, no one has ever done this much for Eddie in his life. (Well, he knows some very scary people in suits did something to get the murder charges against him dropped, but that happened while he was mostly unconscious, and he still doesn’t know or want to know the details.) As far as he can tell, Steve has spent every waking moment since dragging Eddie’s bleeding skin sack out of the Upside Down trying to make sure Eddie never wants for anything again. And that just makes the wanting so much worse.

A Gem Beyond Counting

The wrong feeling pitches and dives toward nausea again. Steve folds in half, eyes squeezed shut. The room spins, and his skin goes clammy. Behind the rush of white noise in his ears, he thinks he hears Eddie’s voice, calling to him, saying his name. There’s a soft pressure on his back that moves up to the back of his neck, and — Gone. Everything’s fine. He feels fine. He feels good, even. Eddie has a hand on the back of his neck and one clutching his forearm. Eddie looks frantic, eyes wide, a sheen of sweat on his face and stray damp curls stuck there. Steve’s gaze is drawn to his mouth, taut and worried and always in motion. He wants to lick into it. OR - Eddie falls first, Steve falls harder: sex pollen edition.

My Four Leaf Clover

“Do you wanna tell me?” “That depends, on if you’d wanna know,” Eddie replied in his most seasoned theatrical voice. Sometimes it was hard to remember Eddie played pretend almost for a living, and other times it was impossible to forget. “Doesn’t matter,” Steve said. It is June the ninth, 1986, and Steve Harrington has now lived through four world-shattering and world-saving events. The most surprising development of his life this summer, however, is the fact that he's currently lounging around outside with Eddie Munson listening to him prattle on about who knows what. The most surprising development of his life is that he's enjoying it.

sir stephen strider finds his suzie

Dustin watches Eddie's face as everyone else giggles. He's retained his typical intimidating smirk for much of this encounter, but as Steve stumbles through his fictional seduction, Eddie's eyes soften. His smirk slowly turns to a small grin. [...] Nancy presses a hand over her mouth, but it does nothing to hide her smile. Usually, this is the point where Eddie would make them all roll initiative. Dustin has his D20 ready. But Eddie smiles. Eddie fucking smiles, and not in that maniacal way he does before siccing something horrific on them, he fucking beams, and says, "You're gonna scrape your neck on his mace doing that, just so you know."

keep me in your glow

“You want me to apply this liberally to your hair from root to tip?” Eddie offers, shaking the bottle, trying to convey to Steve that he won’t make fun of him. Although maybe he still sounds like he’s making fun of him. “It’s just, uh–earlier you told Robin that raising your arms hurts so I thought…” Steve looks at him, expression unreadable. It’s probably weird, what Eddie’s doing. Standing in Steve Harrington’s bathroom is weird enough without the additional presumption that Steve would want him prolonging this experience. He really should’ve left the second Steve proved himself capable of showering alone, but – “Well we can’t use that one until my hair is damp, not wet.” Steve plucks the bottle from Eddie’s hand and promptly swaps it out for a smaller white one. “We can’t really do anything with my hair right now, it just needs to air dry. Um, I do kinda need it out of the way, though. If we’re gonna fix my face.”

getting lost in the dark is my favorite part

“Nice to meet you, Eddie,” said Nick. “It’s rare that I find someone else here who shares my interests.” “Interests?” He remembered he was wearing his battle vest, Nick’s hand lingering right in the middle of the giant Dio patch. “Oh, you like the heavy stuff too?" “I really do.” “Fuck yeah,” Eddie said before he could stop himself. His face got hot. Shit, that sounded way too eager, a totally excessive level of enthusiasm just for meeting another gay metalhead. He had given himself away as a clueless virgin, and Nick was going to stop smiling, walk away, and find someone with the ability to maintain his cool for the length of half a conversation. But Nick didn’t stop smiling. Instead he said, “I know you just got a drink, but do you want to get out of here?” Or: After his near-death experience, Eddie decides it's time to get rid of his pesky virginity and heads to a gay bar. It leads to some... realizations... for both him and Steve.

Like Strangers Laugh and Like Subways Feel

Hoisting his bat in the air, Steve unlocks the door and wrenches it open. Eddie Munson falls into him, up against his legs, half sprawled out across the step. Steve drops his bat with a clatter. Or: Eddie shows up on Steve's doorstep, hurt, panicked, and in need of a helping hand.

he's begging babe stay, stay

The late June heat lingers with a slow sort of stretch that envelops the two amid the sleepy safety of dusk. Steve’s sleeves hastily rolled and shoved haphazardly onto peeling, sunburnt shoulders in accommodation as they aimlessly walk empty neighborhood streets. Bathed in the golden lamplight of suburbia. Steve distracted enough to allow the older boy to lead him this far along without so much as a question of their destination since leaving the hotboxed confines of Eddie’s Uncle’s trailer. “Hey,” He begins conversationally. Eddie’s eyebrows lifting expectantly, though he goes on smoking. “The element of surprise and I don’t mix so well these days, you know? Not that consideration exactly comes to mind when I think of you, Munson. But — “Steve’s face softens as Eddie’s eyes roll theatrically. “Could be nice to clue me in now.”

in breakable heaven

Eddie leans out of the window on crossed forearms. Steve’s next projectile, thankfully, goes right over his head. “Hello." “Hi,” Steve says, “can I come in?” Eddie Munson and the terrible, no good, very bad, actually pretty alright summer.

Shame on the Night

[...] There’s a story Steve remembers about looking back, a punishment in salt. He’s got his key in the ignition and there’s something brackish in his mouth when he turns to see the shadow in the window. “We can’t…he’s alone,” he says and no one answers because they know he’s right but they don’t know what comes next. It’s Dustin who finally breaks the silence, a quiet, “where can he go where no one would look?” Eddie hides at Steve's house. There are consequences.

Ace of Spades

Eddie comes back. Steve helps.

the feeling that you give me, wanna give it right back

[...] Every time Steve comes over to Eddie's to smoke up, they end up in some kind of stupid argument. Usually it's about music, or movies, or whether Dustin should ever be allowed to have a pet again. But tonight, somehow – Eddie can't remember exactly how it got started, but he definitely blames Steve – they're in each other's faces about which of them gives better head.

Hard to Learn

[...] Realization dawns, then it’s quickly followed by anger and… hurt? The first quickly eclipses the latter, and Eddie flings open the car door. “See you around, I guess, Harrington,” he spits, beginning to limp away. [...] “Oh, for the love of-,” Steve mutters, then runs the couple of hobbled steps that Eddie has managed to put between them, grabbing his arm to spin him around. “Your home is half portal, idiot,” Steve says. “You’re staying with me.”

man's good faith and will to perservere

Eddie Munson's birthday is in November

600 Square Feet

There’s no response from Steve and Eddie is contemplating swapping out his bun for donuts when Steve starts laughing. A full bodied laugh that has him pressing his wrist to his mouth to keep from losing his lunch all over the car and Eddie finds himself smiling despite his confusion. “Are you— Are you experiencing a medical event? What’s happening here?” Steve chokes down some water and sighs, “My parents really sold me on this idea that I was gonna get out of school, go to college for business, take over for my dad, live in some— some mansion on a lake.” He gestures between them, “And now i’m waiting on tourists and sharing table scraps with Eddie Munson.” Eddie huffs out a small laugh, “Bit of a downgrade, huh?” “Are you kidding me?” Steve shoves his fingers through his hair, “This is— kind of perfect, actually." Falling in love on a shared mattress.

defrost

“So what’s the plan?” Steve shoots him a look. “Why do I have to have a plan?” “Your car.” Eddie shrugs. “Your call.” "I think..." Steve sighs. "It would be safer to wait for the snow to stop, and then go from there. I don't want to actually crash into a ditch or something." He glances at Eddie, nervousness on his face. "What d'you think?" "I'd say we're fucked either way but if this means I don't have to walk in the snow, I'm all for it." "That's the spirit." (Eddie hates Steve, for the most part. And now they're stranded in the middle of nowhere. And it's snowing.)

sloe gin fizzy, do it till you're dizzy

[...] Steve doesn’t flinch away from the closeness. Just breathes and blinks. And then his eyes flicker down to Eddie’s lips and right back up, so quick that Eddie’s hazy brain would have missed it if he hadn’t been paying attention, hadn’t been anticipating it. Eddie takes it as the invitation it has to be, and slowly, slowly closes the distance. His nose does bump into Steve’s as he enters his space, but he pauses, hesitates with his mouth hovering a hair’s breadth away from Steve’s. He waits for the rejection, for the brutal shove away, for the disgusted “what the fuck man?”. But they don’t come. What does come is Steve’s mouth, pushing forward to press against Eddie’s.

so destiny has brought us oh so close together

When Steve inhales he shuts his eyes and lets his head fall back, exposing the line of his neck, sending the smoke upwards on the exhale. Eddie watches because he can’t help himself. This is another strange thing. He’s always known that Steve Harrington is attractive, but it had always been in an almost clinical way, like the way he could look at Nancy and know she’s pretty. It was objective. Simply an observation that Steve’s features formed a pleasant arrangement. He understood why all the girls in Hawkins tripped over themselves for the pleasure of King Steve’s attention, but it had never affected him personally. Eddie knew better. Or he was supposed to know better, anyway. Or, 5 times Steve and Eddie have sex with no strings attached +1 time it actually means something.

[kirchefuchs]

HELLO CERES!! I hope you're doing well!! I have come to rant about the Skip Button Ending <3

Tis I, your local overthinker, who takes everything seriously <33

distant, confused cheering

ANYWHOO SO

Did you know? If you listen closely, you can take notice of The Narrator going through the stages of grief as he and Stanley progress through the Steam Pressured Gas reviews:

Denial: "Surely, these reviews were glowing as well; weren't they?"

Anger: "UNFUNNY!?"

Bargaining: "Preachy? Stanley, I'm not preachy, am I? You could tell me if I'm preachy, honestly, you can–! ..Oh goodness.. Honestly, this is quite shocking for me.. I– I always–..

Depression: [continuation] ..well, to be honest, I had always thought of the game's dialogue as being rather terse to begin with. You can't know how much fluff I cut from the game to make it feel as light and airy as it– well... I always thought it did.. but maybe it wasn't.." || "I feel.. like a failure. Like I had let these people down.

and Acceptance: [continuation] ..perhaps The Stanley Parable isn't quite as sterling as I always remembered." || "...A Skip Button?.. ..Well.. Well, yes! Yes, I think we can do that! If I'm truly too preachy, then.. then maybe letting you skip ahead for just a moment surely, it couldn't hurt.." [can also be seen as bargaining]

Take this information however you want lol, this is just a little thing I noticed as I listened to The Skip Button Ending like a podcast while falling asleep last night (may or may not have gotten a Stanley Parable-themed dream shshshhdhd)

— 🅰️non || 05/01/2023 [I decided to add this just because lol. once again, hope ur doing okay, bud!! rest well <3 /p]

Mans really do be mourning the death of The Stanley Parable 2013, poor guy.

It always hurts to see him fall into accepting the game wasn't good enough just because of those handful of bad reviews. I don't know much about how the original did on Steam overall back then, but while obviously the game couldn't have been perfect for everyone, it still found its way to the people who did care, who did think it was perfect, who took it and thought to themselves "it's almost like this game was made for me".

Because that's the truth isn't it? The game was never made to be for everyone, it was made for the people who would love it and cherish it for what it is and what it will grow into being. I think that's where the Narrator really went wrong, as much as it hurts to say. He got so wrapped up in the positive feedback he fell into this delusion that the game was perfect and it was that way for everyone, when that is quite an impossibility. Then when he found the bad reviews instead of shifting his view to the reality that "while it was never perfect, it touched the hearts and connected with those who are important. Its good to take advice from the negativity, but you shouldnt dwell on it." He instead fell into another delusion of negativity where the bad reviews were right and the game could never have held up to any sort of praise. One extreme to another.

The truth is, while the Narrator always talks about catering to the player and capturing the hearts of the people, he fails to realize he already did that by just being himself. That you can never perfectly replicate a feeling from so long ago since people change and grow. He failed to understand that its okay that things change. It's okay for the game to do a little worse. It's okay for him to keep going and keep trying to make something new. Because we are here for the wid-eyed wonderment that comes with exploring a new story and a new path. Meeting new characters and greeting old ones. We loved the 2013 Stanley Parable yes, but we are old and wise enough to understand that it cannot feasibly be remade to perfection, and that new and different isn't always a bad thing. It's okay to keep growing. Better to grow and change than to stay where you are to be left behind and forgotten.

I think the Narrator needs a hug. For someone to tell him it's okay that what he made isn't perfect. It's okay it wasn't perfect because it was good. And that's the best anyone can hope to do.

[mishy-mashy]

Just the fully-text version of this post

-

Quotation marks on names because those names are aliases. Different Resistance fics (OCs) focus on,

"Ray" - The direness of what Japan is like back then. Not meant to make you feel good or have fun when you read it

Feat. Ability drawbacks do exist, being forced to earn survival, and it's impossible to survive in Japan alone.

Though light-hearted, each time he spoke swerved right back to getting answers from Shinomori.

Anything Ray said that wasn't a question gave little room to continue that conversation, leaving his inquiries as the only thing to keep away the discomfort of awkward talk.

Naturally, that would mean answering his questions without thinking.

"Did you hear from another person wearing a flak jacket?"

It was casual enough to miss as simply friendly wonder. But from his flak jacket alone, Shinomori knew; he was a member of the Resistance.

The original owner of X-Ray Vision was a Resistance member who often did recon; a logical, careful person.

Said person was putting him under investigation so naturally that Shinomori would've missed it if he didn't know better.

His Danger Sense wasn't even going off.

Himura - The discrimination of Meta Humans (treated as sub-normal) and being left behind over and over

Feat. Metas are called monsters, Bruce intervenes in the transportation for a Meta Human trading ring, and abandonment issues

What were those big words? Why did he talk so strangely?

These were all things the young Himura couldn't understand. For the words she couldn’t grasp, all that flooded her was sick relief. Her chest became quiet, in all the wrong ways.

Even her justification that they were monsters had been rejected. Then, what was the reason for everything to be this way?

"Why, is everyone leaving?"

Say something. You're an adult.

If I can't be right, and you're all I have left, then you, you you youyouyou–!

A single look at his face was enough answer for her.

—There's no reason at all.

That dreadful realization lulled out everything. Because Shinomori didn't know what to say.

Struggling with the words, Shinomori looked down, away from her. Then, he looked up at her. As if he might find the answer in her face.

Ha..

She wanted to laugh.

All he had done was reveal to this young child that even adults could not be trusted.

".. Sometimes, they have something more important than their lives that they have to do."

Hahaha…

It didn't matter if Bruce or Leader trusted this man. Because everything about him was wrong.

"Boss" - A safe space and a kind hand can be everything to someone

Feat. Kudo breaks down after the sewer incident, an "If you have any respect for me" moment, and lots of boba.

He laughed wetly.

"Sorry, everyone. Thank you, too—it's just the onions."

Someone picked up a peeled onion. "What the fuck did you do to our Bossman?"

Kudo stared numbly. One, he's fascinated and quite frankly, amazed at the respect and care the Boss received from everyone.

Two… are his enemies really this stupid?

(Context: Bossman was crying while chopping onions. Everyone is concerned and wants to know who made him cry)

Shiki - The whole package of the aboves, and what the Resistance was like, both on-duty and in moments of calm. Lots of ugly humanity whenever pressure starts to come down.

Feat. The first Three (+ OC) get to meme, Yoichi is the prettiest bastard in the world, Kudo is a snarky bitch obsessed with Disney, and Bruce is the parent of the Resistance. Reality will hit like a truck at times and the humor will be nowhere in sight then.

"Sorry. I'm sorry."

Was her voice really so weak then?

As if that were all she knew how to say, she just apologized. Even this was something Shiki remembered herself.

All she wanted to do was apologize. It was all that filled her head—that singular thought. Regret that she put him in this stressful position, and worry for how he was doing.

"I'm really, sorry."

How could she sound so near tears already?

"Batman" - The irony of having a cliche, aesthetic Meta Ability, and no one (including the wielder) even realizing it exists for over half the story.

Feat. Dressing like a cool, hip vampire, Yoichi calling OC "Batman" unironically (much to Bruce's delight), and iron deficiencies.

"Batman?" he repeated incredulously. How was he just like an orphan who stood atop buildings in a bat costume, with the creepy voice of a rusty car?

Bruce snickered, while Yoichi nodded enthusiastically. This was the first time they'd seen the sickly man so animated. "Yes! Like Captain Hero's friend, who wears only a cape and briefs!"

For some reason Yoichi couldn't understand, Bruce just fell in laughter, clutching his gut.

An odd sight it was, to see his face turn pink. They didn't think he had enough warm blood to do that anymore.

"Yoichi."

"Yes, Batman?"

Bruce cackled louder.

"Please never call me Batman again—please, never, ever, say any of this again."

[anodyne-sunflower]

So what would be okay to write him as? I don't mean to pry or anything but I get a bit worried I'll offend someone

Not prying, I'm okay with most questions, hun. Let me start by saying my last post wasn't intended to say how to write him, or the right way to write him more like. Creative liberty is something I support because I've been a fanfic writer for over a decade. I love playing with ideas, that said, what bothers me as someone with trauma like Astarion, is that some fans hold this idea he can only be written as broken, sex repulsed and just...like incapable of a love life in an intimate manner.

If you want to write him that way, I won't stop you or think you're this horrible person. But if you think he can only be that way and everyone else is a gross predator to say otherwise, you're wrong and I will judge that aspect of you at that point. Because, as I said, you're saying he's just ruined. That Cazador broke him to a point of no return, made it impossible for intimacy to be real. That's just fucked. He's deserving of a real love, a real intimate love if he so chooses. And judging by many scenes he was written with, he seems to want that in time. On his own terms and comfort. He clearly gives that trust to Tav if you romance him. He doesn't pressure you, but he clearly states you make him feel safe and seen. If you choose the intimate option in the graveyard scene, he tells you he loves you, loves this and wants it all.

For me, that is so relatable. He found someone he doesn't feel forced with, doesn't feel scared of. He's allowing you to touch him, to let you know he's ready if you are too. He wants all of it with Tav.

But I see fans still suggest that's not true....that it's wrong to do that to him.

I'm rambling ha...sorry, but I'm very passionate about this. If you want to write a smut, write it. It's okay. You don't need to constantly 'check in' with him every single touch (I've seen fics like this and I'm sure the authors intentions weren't malicious but it comes across very degrading as someone who knows abuse) he is already giving the trust, believe him when he says so. Like...he opened up to Tav, he isn't lying, he's letting them behind the curtain so to speak. So I just get irked by some who just....feel he's just not made for it.

This could get fucking long, my dear ha, so I'll end it here. But if you want more insight I suppose, feel free to ask me. I'm open and honest with this topic, it's something I continue to work on and I'd be happy to lessen the ignorance and stigma around it.

To those who write smut with Astarion, you're not an awful person. I just want you to know that.

[lingshanhermit]

Lingshan Hermit: What is Omniscience

I am a scattered person who has spent most of my life in chaos. I try not to fall into chaos but when I'm not in meditation, I automatically fall into chaos. A few days ago, I wrote an article about ChatGPT. In the article, I told everyone that ChatGPT’s state is not the kind of omniscience that people usually think of - it has just learned billions of articles, read millions of books, and knows how to integrate, analyze and learn by itself. This is completely different from the “omniscience” talked about in Buddhism. Many people want to know what real omniscience is. Most people understand omniscience as knowing every single piece of information - from how many eggs the big halibut in Alaska produced this summer, to how many drops of rain fell in London this morning, to how many punctuation marks there are in every book in the Boston Public Library, to how many sneezes and delusions you had today. I can’t say this understanding is wrong. Such supernatural powers and abilities of the Buddha are indeed recorded in Buddhism.

But today let’s talk about omniscience from another perspective. Please don’t expect me to clearly explain what omniscience is in words, because that is impossible. However, I can try to talk about what omniscience is not, and try to talk about the differences between ordinary people and the omniscient Buddha.

Right now, you are staring at your phone screen reading my article, trying hard to explain to yourself what I am saying. At this moment, can you feel your toes? Can you feel the pressure of your eyeglass frames pressing on the bridge of your nose? Can you feel what it feels like where your slightly sweaty back sticks to your clothes? Can you know every subtle change of emotion and every arising of thoughts? You may say you can feel them, but that is only because after seeing my questions you deliberately tried to feel them. You can only feel these things when you deliberately try to feel them, and it is at the expense of everything else. Most of the time these feelings are ignored. You are busy with other things, your mind is occupied by other matters. You are busy grasping all kinds of oncoming sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touches and dharmas, busy interpreting them, busy using them to fill the self and feel the existence of self and others. At times like this, you will only notice the things you pay attention to, everything else fades away - you are like looking out from a peephole. And you should know that when you perceive any sight, sound, smell, taste, touch or dharma, what you perceive is only your conceptualization of them. Your self system conceptualizes all of them. What you perceive is not their original state. When sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touches and dharmas go through your eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind, they are processed and interpreted into something else. They become “itchy”, they become “a little prickly”, they become “a cat running by”, they become “she’s looking at me”.

Most of the time, you do not know everything that is happening in your body and mind. Your mind is either attracted by this or that. When your mind is attracted and occupied by them (the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touches and dharmas), you cannot feel your buttocks, you cannot feel your toes, you cannot feel your back, you cannot feel the legs of your eyeglasses pressing on your ear bones. As an ordinary person, you have always been immersed in two kinds of illusions you created yourself. One is the moment-to-moment feeling that you really exist. The other is the moment-to-moment perception that external sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touches and dharmas really exist. These two kinds of perceptions have existed since ancient times. They form your entire world. They appear unceasingly moment-to-moment, obscuring the true nature of things and preventing you from touching the real world. These things form your entire perception. Every second, several conceptualized sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touches and dharmas simultaneously attract you at the same time. Your mind is busy grasping, interpreting, labeling, and reacting, while neglecting other perceptions. In different stages of Buddhist practice, there are many interpretations of “chaos”, and this is the highest level one.

If one day, you can simultaneously “perceive” everything that is happening in your body and mind without being attracted to certain things and neglecting others, and without conceptualizing any sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touches and dharmas, then perhaps you will be closer to true omniscience.

Written by Lingshan Hermit on February 13, 2023. First published on February 15, 2023.

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灵山居士：何谓遍知