#i'm so much better than i was in January but i'm still processing

[panspaming]

I've had two proper meltdowns over the course of the past few weeks and even tho they've been short (only feel the fog for about half an hour thank god) it's been so overwhelming!!!!! I hadn't had one for a long time before that. My life luckily isn't super stressful atm but the social expectations placed on me rn really are getting to me. I'm trying to be there for my friends but sometimes that means I have to stretch myself a bit thin. It's just a shame that I have to choose between being fully stable and being as present as I'd like to be in my friend's lives ✌️😔

[delusional-dinosaurr]

Not So Sneaky (Lia Walti x Reader)

“Vic please just pass the fucking ball” You whine at your best friend, Victoria Pelova. She chuckles in response and passes it back with a bit of flair. 

“Show off, keep it for the matches, yeah?” You smirk as she elbows you during some 1v1 practice.

“Foul! Ref!” You say rolling around on the floor pretending to be injured, quickly followed by Victoria attacking your ribs, causing you to burst out laughing.

“Alright love birds, we’ve got an important match to prepare for!” Katie helps you up from the ground after your assault from your best friend. Jonas gets you all to rotate partners and eventually you’re paired up with Lia Wälti, who you’ve been quietly crushing on since you signed for the team at the same time as Victoria during the January transfer window, both coming from Ajax. 

“Promise I won’t nutmeg you this time” You joke with Lia as you do your regular training activities. “You better not, I saw what you pulled on Katie earlier” Lia jokes in response, referencing how you nutmegged the co-captain as she was attempting to tackle you earlier on, causing her to be at the end of a lot of jokes so far today.

“Ah, who am I kidding, I can’t resist it, can I?” You wink, going to nutmeg her during your 1v1, with her expertly managing to stop it and successfully nutmegging you in the process. You fake collapsing in shock at how you’d finally been nutmegged by a teammate.

“You…you traitor!” You reach your arm out to Lia as you crawl towards her, as if you are so injured from the ‘embarrassment’ from being nutmegged.

“God you’re so dramatic” She rolls her eyes as she helps you up, instantly you feel the warmth in your body at the contact between the both of you being much closer than you have been before, your chests basically touching. You both stop and are lost looking into each other's eyes for a few moments, until Vic’s cough to your side breaks you out of your trance.

“Was I interrupting something?” Vic raises an eyebrow in your direction suspiciously.

“Nope, I was just helping Y/N up after I finally nutme-” “WOAH! What Lia was saying is that I fell over and she helped me up” You cut in, Lia looks at you even more suspicious than Vic was.

“Okay….weirdo. Y/N are we still going out tonight?” Vic asks you.

“Of course we are, you know I wouldn’t miss out on our Wednesday night date night!” You wiggle your eyebrows suggestively. 

“I’m gonna go get changed, I’ll catch you guys later” Lia rushes off.

“What’s her problem?” Katie walks over and asks, seeing Lia jogging off the pitch.

“No idea, we were just talking about mine and Vics wednesday night date night tonight?” You shrug.

“Y/N you idiot, you’ve been flirting with her and then making you and Vic sound like you’re together?” Katie smacks the back of your head. 

“Wait what? I don’t get it?” You look at her confused.

“Sorry mate, you need to work this out for yourself, not me” Katie jogs off going after Lia.

“It's okay, we're fine, we're fine.” You sigh. 

“Y/N/N maybe it's time you start dropping more hints for her. We can ditch our date night and you can always ask her out instead?” Vic suggests, you tilt your head in confusion. 

“But what about our date nights?” You ask. 

“Y/N get a grip, we can still hang out but you need to make a move” Vic says sternly. You nod and jog to the changing rooms a few minutes later to find Katie walking out giving you a supportive thumbs up. You walk in to see Lia half dressed and just pulling her shirt over her head, you manage to catch a glance at her toned stomach before panicking and turning away. 

“Oh god sorry I didn't mean to walk in on you like this” You panic, visibly flush and flustered. Lia chuckles in response and sits down on the bench, she motions for you to sit in front of her. 

“Okay right, I'm nervous as hell but I just have to get it all out. Lia I, I like you, like a lot. I don't know how it started but I've just been kinda admiring you from afar, no wait that sounded creepy. Okay maybe I did but I just, I'm not good with feelings but… I know I really do have feelings for you” You mumble really quickly, nerves getting the better of you. 

“But… What about Pelova? You seem to be very close” Lia asks with a somewhat sad expression on her face.

“Oh we aren't together, she's not my type anyway” You laugh. 

“Then.. What is your type?” Lia asks suggestively. 

You gulp, feeling a sudden rush of confidence flowing through you. 

“I'd say my type is brown hair… Likes football, plays for Arsenal, is Swiss, wears number 13–” You get stopped by the midfielders lips crashing into yours. It feels as if your body could go completely limp with how breathtaking her kiss feels, finally after all this time pining. After a few minutes you eventually break away. 

“Wow that was…” You say, again with the same flustered face as before. 

���Are you free tonight?” She asks. 

“Yep! Vic made me cancel our date night so I'd finally ask you out” You chuckle earning a glare and a shove in return. 

____

The next morning you wake up with a weight on your chest, Lia’s head resting on it with her hair all over her face. You gently brush her hair out of her face which slowly wakes her up.

“Good morning” You smirk.

“Good morning, I’m sorry if that was a bit much last night” Lia blushes trying to hide her face in her bed covers.

“Lia we literally had a make out session and pizza, it’s not like we had sex on the first date or anything…that’s the third date” You wink, obviously joking.

“God you’re so annoying” She rolls her eyes as she starts getting out of bed, you can’t help but admire her as she stretches, again you find your eyes roaming her body subconsciously until she breaks your focus by moving closer to you.

“You sure you want to wait until the third date?” She says positioning herself on your lap, in her shorts and sports bra.

“Uh…I…Um” You feel your face heating up as the midfielder smirks at you.

“I’m kidding…unless?” She winks, pressing her lips to yours and gently pinning you to the bed. 

____

It's been around six months since you and Lia finally made your relationship official, and yet it was still only you two and your families that knew about the relationship. You both decided to keep it quiet for a while as you didn't want people to know, so that you had time to figure stuff out and make sure you didn't let it have any effect on your games, as well as just having some privacy. 

Luckily all it had done was make you play better and be in a better mood, no one was suspicious until recently, you had a feeling people were noticing the longing looks you gave each other and the way you'd blush more at team events. You knew you needed to tell someone so today was going to be that day. You were driving Vic to training and she spotted something that you clearly didn't hide as well as you thought. 

“Uh… Y/N..? What is that on your neck?” She says poking your very visible hickey on your neck. You instantly blush, having vivid memories of the previous night, hearing the Swiss girl uttering your name all night.

“What are you talking about?” You panic, covering where she is pointing with your hand.

“The hickey Y/N I’m not stupid” She rolls her eyes “No wonder you’ve been less stressed, Y/N/N has been getting laaaaaid” Vic sings.

“Shut up” You groan.

“You gonna tell me who did it, so I can cover this up for you?” She tilts her head at you, motioning with the emergency makeup bag you keep in your car for you and your friends.

“I need you to promise you won't tell anyone” She nods as you pull into the car park, your phone pinging with a message from Lia, which unfortunately is connected to your car.

“One new message from Lia: I got the stuff for dinner tonight! I love you, see you at training x”

“Nevermind you didn’t need to say anything” Vic smirks, giving you a knowing look.

“Uhhhh, me and Lia have just been hanging out?” You say a bit higher pitch than usual.

“You know better than to lie to me Y/N. Why wont you tell anyone?” She sighs at you. You turn the car engine off and sigh, Vic has the makeup brushes at the ready and starts covering your hickey for you.

“Look mate, we were worried it’d change the team dynamic, especially if there’s some weird feelings with her and Caitlin still playing for the same team, and if we get distracted. Basically we’ve had a lot of time privately and it’s been so nice” You ramble.

“Well I don’t think it would or even has changed anything, Caitlin still cares about Lia, but as a friend and I highly doubt there would be any hard feelings y’know? You need to at least tell Jonas or a coach to be safe” She suggests.

“You’re right…” You both get out of your car once she is done applying makeup to your neck, and you head towards the main building, you search around for Jonas and eventually stumble upon him, stuck in conversation with your girlfriend.

“...but what I’m trying to say Jonas is, me and Y/N won’t let it affect how we play or work, if anything I think we’ve improved recently” Lia says.

“Ah Y/N! Great timing, I’m sure you’ve just overheard but Lia told me about your relationship, obviously it’s none of my business but I can tell the difference in how you two have been playing and just in general. Only positive things!” Jonas pats you on the shoulder “I have no issues with it of course, I’m happy for you both for finding each other”.

“Thanks Jonas, means a lot, like really” You give him a hug, the man being somewhat of a mentor to you over the previous year.

“Tell the team when you feel you’re ready. Remember we are a family, we support each other” He says nodding over to the groups of girls in the gym, all getting on with their own thing.

“Yeah maybe we should do it sooner rather than later, no more hiding this” You look at Lia who nods in agreement. You reach out for her hand as you both walk hand in hand into the gym to meet the others, somehow no one saw your intertwined hands. Lia decides to go on a treadmill rather than lift weights with you, so she gives you a kiss on the cheek before walking off. Jen seems to be the only one who spots it and within minutes walks over to you.

“Excuse me, what was that earlier?” Jen looks at you wide eyed.

“What?” You smirk.

“How long has this been going on for then?” She smiles, seeming proud.

“About 6 months, we’ve been pretty private with it and we wanted to make sure we were settled before saying anything” You say.

“Oi did I see Wally kiss you on the cheek? Where’s mine?” Beth comes over and slings her arm over your shoulder.

“Sorry Beth, pretty sure that’s only for her girlfriend” Jen teases.

“Since when?” Beth shouts.

“Why are we yelling over here?” Viv walks over, visibly confused and attempting to hush Beth. Lia takes the opportunity to hop off the treadmill and save you from the commotion. As she gets closer you start smiling over at her.

“Hey beautiful, you looked like you needed rescuing” She smiles reaching for your hand.

“Ah I had it under control, see?” You nod over to the girls you were talking with, who are all now gobsmacked at what they’ve seen and heard.

____

Later on that day you both get ready at Lia’s house, she’s wearing jeans and a crop top with a plaid shirt over the top but not buttoned up. You on the other hand went with a casual hoodie and jeans. 

“Darling, do we really have to go out with the girls tonight?” You groan seeing your girlfriend getting ready. “We could just stay at home…” you continue, trailing your finger from her chest to her abs. 

“Later, if you’re good” she kisses you hungrily and leaves the bedroom with a wink in your direction, as you audibly groan and flop back onto the bed.

“Come on! Our uber has arrived!” Lia yells from the other room.

“You mean Viv?” You chuckle getting your shoes on.

“Of course, who else?” She laughs.

You get into Viv and Beth’s car. You and Beth spend the journey singing in the back of the car whilst Viv and Lia chat at the front. After a short while you eventually park up and all walk to the venue the team had hired for the night. 

You and Lia are still somewhat wary of being affectionate in public, so walk side by side but not hand in hand.

Once you arrive at the club, you get yourself and the others a drink from the bar and return to find everyone crowding around some tables and having their own conversations, you take Beth and Viv their drinks first followed by Lia’s.

“Here you go, gorgeous” You pass her the drink and subtly kiss her cheek, she smiles at you, as you float around, being the social butterfly that you are.

____

A bit later on, after more drinks have been, well drunk, the group are getting rowdier and more daring, literally.

“Katie I dare you to do a backflip off that table” Kyra points over at the table for the Irishwoman to backflip from.

“Nope! Absolutely none of that here” Kim said, patting Kyra on the back with a chorus of boos coming from some of you. Your girlfriend approaches you in the area everyone seems to be dancing in. 

“I miss you” She says pouting. 

“Babe we’re literally at the same party with our friends, I was standing with you like 15 minutes ago” you say quietly. 

“Yeah but I always want to be with you” She frowns.

“Alright if we are still daring people to do shit, I dare Y/N to kiss Vic!” Kyra slurs. 

“I don't think that's a good idea, I've got a cold after all” Vic lies, everyone falling for it. 

“Fuck who else will she kiss then? Gotta get Y/N out there, she’s been single for way too long” Katie jokes as she makes eye contact with Lia “Wally how about you?” She asks with her usual cocky smirk on her face. 

“Sure. It's just a quick peck after all, right?” She smiles. 

“OI! Kissing is too easy, I want a dramatic kiss! Make me believe you're in a relationship or something, I don't know!” Jen pipes up sarcastically, smirking at you after finding out about you both earlier in the day.  You and Lia look at eachother and shrug as if to say ‘fuck it’. 

She leans forward and pulls you in by the hoodie covering your chest. You gulp in response, knowing that you find her even more attractive when she’s being bossy. She passionately kisses you and brings her hands up to the back of your neck whilst you rest yours on her lower back slowly drifting lower.

“Oi you two, save it for the bedroom yeah?” Katie yells to the group, you lift one hand from Lia’s back to raise a middle finger up at Katie hearing a chorus of cheers when you do so. Eventually you break apart, blushing whilst Lia is grinning at your friends who witnessed it. 

“Christ it's like you guys are dating or something” Leah says from the side, giving you a wink and head tilt to follow her. 

“Right, I'm not as dumb as these idiots, how long?” Leah asks you. 

“Around 6 months” You confess seeing a giant grin start to emerge on Leah's face. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, it's just..” She interrupts you.

“Y/N I've had an idea that there was something between you for a little while, and I know it's nice to have privacy and stuff, so I understand” She hugs you, you continue chatting to the side about how you should tell Kim as soon as possible, being the team mum after all. You hear singing get louder as karaoke starts, an idea springing to mind. 

“Wait right here I've got a great idea” You say, patting Leah's shoulders and stumbling off. You yell out to Kim, who's watching the karaoke unfold. 

“Kim, I'm sorry I haven't told you sooner but me and Wally are seeing each other” You blurt out when you get to her. 

“I thought so! You guys seem happy, so I'm happy, ah I feel like a proud parent!” She hugs you tightly. “Have you told many people yet?”. 

“No… But I have an idea on how!” You pat Kim’s shoulders as you walk over to the woman running the karaoke for the team and put in your request, but not for you to sing. When it's your song you walk up to take the microphone from Steph who was just belting Untouched by the Veronica's and hand it to Leah, who nods over at your girlfriend standing alone, watching you. You hear the opening notes to Lover by Taylor Swift as you take Lia's hands into yours on the makeshift dance floor.

“This one goes out to the lovers over there” she points at you and Lia before she starts singing. 

“I love you” You mumble into her ear as you slow dance together, she responds with a loving kiss which has you both gasping for air afterwards. As you break away from your kiss you notice most of the room's eyes are focused on the two of you, knowing looks and shocked ones too, alongside cheering, whistling and the odd “Go on Y/N!”. You avert your eyes from the girls surrounding you in a circle and focus on the beauty in your arms, her eyes sparkling as she looks up at you.

After you finish dancing you're bombarded with questions from teammates, some a little inappropriate and some very sweet. 

“How long has this been going on?” Steph asks. 

“Around 6 months, we kept it quiet in an attempt to not mess with the team dynamic” You say. The questions die out and you eventually get to sit back down in a booth with your girlfriend and some of your teammates. 

“Okay Lia I hate to be the one to ask it… But Y/N is so clumsy how on earth are you able to…have y’know… Seriously” Vic slurs, your face flushing red. 

“Luckily her clumsiness doesn't affect her… Performance” Lia winks at you. Some of the girls are trying to get more details, as you decide to dismiss yourself to get yourself another drink. 

“Y’alright?” Katie asks you at the bar. 

“They're talking about my sex life so I'm here now” You chuckle, tapping your card to pay for your beer. 

“Oh what! Let's go then!” Katie drags you back over to the girls. 

“-but yeah she's so attentive and honestly, the best I've had” Lia finishes her sentence as you slide back in, groaning as they're still talking about sex. 

“Y/N we've heard it all, no need to be shy. Your turn now anyway” Jen winks jokingly, with Alessia cracking up as you slam your head down onto the table. As you lift your head back up you catch Lia yawning and give her the look of ‘home soon?’.

You walk off again to chat with some of the girls to avoid discussing your sex life, and feel your phone vibrate. 

From Lia - 

You have been good today… So how about we go home and I show you something I got for you? 

“Someones getting laid tonight” Leah smirks at your red face.

“What? No it’s just warm in here” You chuckle.

“Bullshit, I can see Lia giving you ‘the eyes’ from over there” Nodding in the direction of your lover, who was indeed giving you the eyes, causing you to look back down at your phone which Leah is also looking at. “Mate, are you stupid? Go home!” She pushes you towards where Lia is sitting.

“Lee this isn’t necessary” You groan approaching your girlfriend.

“Wally take your girlfriend home, she’s being all awkward” Leah chuckles “Have a good night ladies” she winks as she slides away from you both. 

“Right I need to take this one home as she’s a bit too drunk, you guys need a lift?” Viv comes over right on time, you both nod and help her lug Beth back to the car. The short drive eventually ends outside Lia’s house, you say your thanks and goodbyes to the couple as you head into Lia’s house. You shrug off your coat and take off your shoes, but you notice your girlfriend has run upstairs to her bedroom. 

“Oh it’s so on Wally” you mumble to yourself as you jog up the stairs, the girl waiting in her room for you.

“Eager are we?” You smirk going over to her.

“Well I did tell you you’d be rewarded so” She smirks, pushing you firmly down onto your bed. You’re usually the one ‘in charge’ but it seems Lia had a different idea tonight as she tells you to stay still. She slowly removes her jacket, putting on quite the show for you. You try to reach out to help her with her clothes but she slaps your hands away. 

“Ah ah, no touching” She tuts. 

“Right, if you don’t do something soon I’m going to eat you alive” You growl, causing a quiet moan to slip from Lia.

“Well if you weren't already saying that, then you'll definitely say it now” Lia smirks, lifting her shirt up over her head and slowly dragging her trousers down and revealing a new lacy black lingerie set that could easily kill you with how stunning she looks.

“Oh my god” You mutter.

“Now… How about we go back to how you were going to eat me alive?” Lia says suggestively, pushing you down on her bed.

“It’d be my pleasure baby” You smirk. 

____

WE ARE SO BACK! Will be a return to posting a bit more frequently!

[sweetbabyrayn]

he's all done! my sweet boy has been given eyes and fluffed up, so he's a nice squishy and huggable friend. Konpeito (he/they) was my first full sized furby, and at the time, I was hesitant to customize any of the older gens. He was my first custom as well, I did his original design back in January/February, but decided now that I had gained some skills that I wanted to fix him up some more. I had also seen a thread on reddit where someone popped the leds out and since Konpeito wasn't working I figured it would be a safe way for me to practice taking apart and putting back together booms/12s. I'll put more info and photos of my process AND the before and after below the cut!

Konpeito's original skin and pattern! I bought him from an eBay listing for 8$. He had some pretty bad corrosion in his terminals, and despite getting it out, I was never able to get them to turn on. I suspect that he may have also had a faulty motor.

Konpeito's first faceplate design, I picked the colors from the fur from the tummy, but I wasn't the best at color matching. I'm still not tbf, but I did better the second time. I also wasn't ever too happy with their eyes, I found it difficult to paint well on the rounded surface.

Photos from when I was down on the floor cutting out the fabric for his new skin! I was silly and accidentally cut the fur going in the wrong direction but i was able to train it to go the other way.

His finished first custom! I did a big no-no on the first custom by sealing everything with nail polish. (It will yellow, crack, and break over time) Which meant taking non acetone nail polish remover when i stripped him of his old paint.

Priming the new paint job using gesso after sanding and removing all the old paint (this took me around four hours).

painting the intricate carpet design onto the face plate. This also took me hours. This was also before I had decided to go the alternate route of popping out the eyes in place for chips.

Next, it was time to mess with the internals and pop out their LEDS for some resin chips that I had ordered to go on top of a design I painted. This was MUCH easier than painting a rounded surface for me. Here is a link to the reddit thread where someone explained how to access and get out the leds. I suggest taking pictures of where every screw goes bc I did NOT take enough and ended up having extra screws at the end.

https://www.reddit.com/r/peeledfurby/s/IHA1GqKgGW

Then all that was left was sewing the new skin, finishing the ears and eyes, and putting him all back together!

[buckera]

2023 Writing Round-Up 💫

• 15 fics / 138.6k words posted; out of which 8 fics / 67.8k were buddie

Phew, it's been such a productive year, especially the second half, thank you for everyone who tagged along for the ride!! 🤗

(also I'm doing it in reverse order because... well if you know, you know 😪)

•December•

we’ve got something permanent (i mean in the way we care) [buddie, 7.1k, Explicit]

Buck has baby fever and it’s Eddie’s job to give him what he wants. Kind of.

Keep My Heart Warm In Yours [buddie, 18.5k, Mature]

Christopher decides that he wants to go skiing, Buck makes it happen and the cabin at the foot of the mountains turns out to be quite the romantic backdrop for their little getaway.

Of Love, Hospital Jitters And Christmas Lights [buddie, 6.3k, Teen + Up]

Eddie and Buck end up in the hospital waiting room a few days before Christmas.

You Ring, I Drool [buddie, 8.6k, Explicit]

5+1 times Buck reminds Eddie of a dog // alternatively; the one in which Eddie accidentally conditions Buck to beg for treats

If This Is What The Season Is Bringing [buddie, 2k, Teen + Up]

Buck and Eddie made a promise after Eddie decided to leave the 118 and they finally make good on it this Christmas.

•November•

Out Of Order, Still In Line [buddie, 6.2k, Explicit]

When Buck finally gets to the Clinic, the long awaited release doesn’t seem to come; cue Eddie to the rescue.

'Cause I'm still seeing colours that are red (If I close my chest and let it take me) [steddie, 11.4k, Explicit]

Ever since they came back from the Upside Down, Steve has been struggling on rainy days, but Eddie’s there to provide support and a maybe even a little more than that. - Project #182 of Steddie Bigbang 2023

How It Was Meant To Be [steddie, <1k, Gen]

Steve's casually calling Eddie 'baby' all the time, without even registering what he’s doing.

•October•

I Was Betting On Forever (But Forever Comes And Goes) [buddie, 4k, Teen + Up]

Eddie gets a call from Buck in the middle of the night and it’s about as bad as one would expect.

It gets better, it gets worse [steddie, 52.7k, Explicit]

Steve tried to tell Eddie how he felt, only to get shut down immediately. Now meeting for the first time in a year, they have to figure out how to be around each other.

Coming On Ever So Strong / Coming Off Ever So Soft [buddie, 14.7k, Explicit]

They get drunk, Eddie makes a move and then there is the next morning.

•July•

But where they lay, they cannot stay [radskier, 4.3k, Explicit]

Jaskier comes to Tretogor and meets Radovid for the first time in months, but their reunion is bittersweet given how much everything has changed since they’ve last seen each other.

•May•

Helping hands (are better than praying lips) [steddie, 5.5k, Explicit]

Eddie breaks his arms and Steve is on nurse duty. [cw for watersports]

•February•

Who we are in the dark [steddie, 3.4k, Explicit]

It's their first anniversary and they go to the cinema.

•January•

It might walk like a duck [steddie, 10k, Explicit]

Eddie Munson is a busy man, busy enough to have a planner. Steve misses his friend so he hijacks said planner, learning something unexpected in the process.

Aaand that's all, folks! 💛 Now, here are some tags:

I was tagged by the lovely @wikiangela and @jamespearce9-1-1 thank you~ 💛

(these guys went in so early and I left it for the last minute lmao but just in case you missed their round-ups, you can read them: here and here)

✨tagging (if you've already done it, no worries and still no pressure otherwise either): @malewifediaz @spagheddiediaz @jeeyuns @eddiebabygirldiaz @hippolotamus @daffi-990 @disasterbuckdiaz @nmcggg @thewolvesof1998 @watchyourbuck @theotherbuckley @fortheloveofbuddie @ladydorian05 @rainbow-nerdss

[isalisewrites]

A ramble on writing every day in February

Another month has gone by now. I have written every day in January and every in February, which is 60 consecutive days in a row where I have written 700 words or more every day.

It's been a shitty February.

I had to have some mild surgery that put me under anesthesia for the first time. I reacted to it for weeks, but thankfully that's subsided. Unfortunately, the stress was too much and I had to drop two of my three college classes. I did this because it's highly likely that I'll have to have further surgery this year.

Somehow, I still managed to stick with my goal.

Your girl purposely woke up an hour earlier, at 4am, to reach her goal before the surgery. Neither surgery or a later ER visit could stop this determined bitch from writing. (Just the anesthesia reaction)

It has been an immovable requirement in my day, even when I'm rushing at 11:58pm to hurry and get 700 words down before Scrivener resets for the day at 12:00am. Even now, it's almost 9pm my time and I haven't written my 700 words for the day.

Rest assured, it will be done.

I did not reach the same height of success as I did last month. I didn't knock it out of the park, but I still did pretty damn good and I'm proud of the word count that I reached this month.

There's something invigorating about sticking to the goal of writing everyday. Even though it's been so much harder, even though some days my brain is mush from the physical issues I'm dealing with, I am so glad that I've kept going. It's been a VERY difficult month - both physically and mentally.

I'm so glad I haven't given up on this.

Everything else can fall around me, but writing is my anchor and my sanity. Again, I can say with perfect confidence that choosing to write every day no matter what has been the best thing that I could for my mental health.

You can see how there were so many days where hitting my bare minimum was all I could do - and that was good enough. The bare minimum is 700 words a day or 20,300 words for February. I reached 31,000 words.

Not bad at all.

I had not one, but TWO unruly chapters this month, where I had to split them into two because of how long they were getting. Arc Two had been 27 chapters in total, but it's now 29 chapters. Out of all the Arcs, I had not anticipated it would Arc Two that would get bigger. This tells me that my rough estimate for Arc Three, Four, and Five is probably very wrong.

But I managed to complete four more chapters. They're in my 'pre-edit' stage, which means they're unrefined and need a good comprehensive edit. Usually, when I go through my comprehensive edit, I add 1,000 to 2,000 words to the chapter. It's a vital part of my writing process and cannot be skipped.

This is how determined I am. This is how much I'm tracking everything. This graph here shows the magnitude of my commitment to this story.

There were more hard days than easy days this last month, unfortunately. So many days, it felt like my mind was swimming in molasses. But I still wrote, even if I didn't always like what had been written. It's good enough. Something is better than nothing. Living each day doing what is my soul's greatest joy and desire makes life bearable.

Until next month.

[canonicallyobserving911]

Several Sentences Sunday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

FANON FanFic: Buddie Multi-Chapter - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 32 will be posted soon!

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Currently 31 chapters completed: 1.384M Words; Rated: Mature

#1 {Previous Snippet} & #2 {Previous Snippet}

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It's been a minute and I apologize for the delay but I'm working on my multi-chapter fic again and Chapter 32 is in progress.

Reminder, there are only 9 chapters left and they're going to be good. 😜😉🤗🙃😊😁

Don't forget, Buck and Eddie are still waiting to hear about the house in San Gimignano.

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I'm excited to finish writing Chapter 32 because at the end of Chapter 31, Buck was trying to process everything that happened to him and Chris Friday evening while they were inside of Super Target. After his heart stopped and he had to be revived by a cardiologist, who just so happened to be shopping on the next aisle, he spent time after he was revived but unconscious seeing glimpses of his future life with Eddie over the next 20 years.

More than three hours later, after he woke up, he was so exhausted he spent hours sleeping as his body recuperated with Eddie by his bedside. The 118 was there in full force to support Buck, Eddie and Chris and after Eddie made the connection to Lucy and Jonah's other victims, Buck gave Athena and Detective Romero a statement the next day. Early Saturday morning, they were eventually captured but the aftermath of the things they did are affecting Buck and Chris in a major way and all Eddie wants to do is take his husband and son back to Italy so they can keep healing. Will they get the final word on the house they bid on that's located in San Gimignano, Italy in this chapter? 🤷🏽‍♀️

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Here’s another snippet from Chapter 32 of a romantically fluffy conversation between Buck and Eddie.

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It’s 10:09AM and Buck and Eddie are quietly lying on the couch.  Eddie’s on his back, Buck’s on top of him and his legs are comfortably resting between Eddie’s.  They’re pressed together from their chests to their hips and Buck’s head is buried between Eddie’s neck and shoulder.  Also, Eddie’s hand is resting on the small of Buck’s back but until a few minutes ago, he was rubbing circles on it.

When Buck decides he’s ready to discuss something with his husband, he lifts his head and says, “Babe?”

Eddie opens his eyes and looks right into those ocean blue eyes he loves so much.  “Hmm?”

“Were you sleeping?”

“No, I was just resting my eyes.”

He laughs out loud and Eddie does too.

After their laughter subsides, Buck asks, “Babe, isn’t that what abuela says when she doesn’t want anyone to know she fell asleep?”

“It is but I wasn’t asleep.”

Buck moves up just a little bit and once their faces are millimeters apart, he places a soft kiss onto his lips.  After he pulls back, he says, “Since you’re awake, I um… want to talk to you about something.”

“Amore mio, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

He nods then admits, “After Thanksgiving, we promised each other that we would make time to dance and have fun at least once per week.  Do you remember that?”

“I do.  We were dancing to Janet Jackson’s “Funny How Time Flies When You’re Having Fun” and if I’m remembering correctly, the date was December 1st, it was after 10 o’clock and we had just finished watching the 2003 version of the movie “The Italian Job.”

“You’re right, we did and up until January 2nd, we did our best to keep it.”

Eddie raises his eyebrows and he starts to protest but he doesn’t get the chance since Buck keeps talking.

“Babe, we’ve only danced a few times since we returned to the states and I—I know that’s because I was sick and right when I was feeling better the bottom fell out and um, I was back in the hospital.”

“Amore mio, none of the things that happened were your fault.  You have a heart condition and someone tried to…”  He stops talking because he doesn’t want to say the words but they both know what he means.  He lifts his head and kisses Buck’s forehead and after he lays his head back onto the couch cushion, he meets Buck’s eyes and exclaims, “Ti amo, amore mio, dolce amore.”  [“I love you, my love, sweet love.”]

“Ti amo anch’io, più di ogni altra.”  [“I love you too, more than anything.”]

They hold each other’s gaze for a few seconds and allow the weight of everything that’s happened to surround them.

“I’m sorry for scaring you and Chris.”

“You don’t have to apologize because you didn’t do anything wrong.  You and Chris were just…”  He trails off and tries to get the images that he saw of them being approached by two fools out of his mind.

“Eddie?  I mentioned the promise we made because after everything we’ve been through over the past six weeks, uh… I want us to get some normalcy back in our schedule.  Since the beginning of this week, we’ve been going nonstop to meetings with the A.D.A., court hearings and therapy sessions but today, our schedule is free, we’re here and we’re spending time together.  Our son is at school and he’s eating candy in each of his classes which means when we go pick him up, he’ll be hopped on sugar.”

They both laugh and Buck counts it as a win because seeing his husband’s big smile along with his dimples is fantastic.

After it subsides, he continues.  “I’m feeling better and my organs are properly functioning, so babe… let’s start dancing every week again and watching movies and taking trips to different places.  I know we’re still waiting for Angelo to contact us but me and you, we uh, know better than anyone that… tomorrow isn’t promised.”

“I wholeheartedly agree with you and starting here and now, that’s what we’re going to do!”

He stands, takes Eddie’s hand in his and gently pulls him into a standing position. Once they’re face to face, he sticks his hand out and asks, “Dance with me?”

“Always, my love.”

He grabs his phone, connects it to the Bluetooth speaker, scrolls through his “He’s My Husband” playlist and when he finds the song he’s looking for, he taps play.

What song is Buck going to choose for them to dance to? 🙃

Who is Angelo? 😁 (Hint: they met him in San Gimignano, Italy in Chapter 23.)

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Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

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Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.

Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.

Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.

Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?

Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.

Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.

Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.

Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.

Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?

Chapter 26 - Buck and Eddie are once again faced with their greatest fear of losing each other but this time it could be permanent and if it is, then they won’t be able to spend the rest of their lives together.

Chapter 27 - After Buck resumes therapy, he’ll continue to face the fact that he “DIED” in March 2023 and during those sessions, he’ll learn about the 7 stages of grief. As he continues his healing journey, Eddie will be right by his side just like he promised and the Diaz family will start to deal with their three minutes and seventeen seconds loss as a family.

Chapter 28 - Two years ago, Eddie was asked, “What are you afraid of?”; twice, once by Frank and once by Buck but he only answered one of them without deflecting. Since that time, he’s been to therapy and him and Buck got married but the question resurfaces when Frank asks Buck the same question and Buck asks it of Eddie for the second time. However, when Buck asks, his reasoning will be about something else entirely.

Chapter 29 - After Buck and Eddie have an emotionally intimate conversation regarding their dreams, they make several decisions that will affect their future. When everything falls into place, they’ll realize one of those decisions will result in them no longer being work partners.

Chapter 30 - In 2018, Buck and Eddie met at the 118 and after some initial apprehensions on Buck’s part, they became work partners and they agreed to have each other’s backs. It’s been more than 6 ½ years, a lot’s happened, they got married in December 2023 and they have the family they both chose. With Eddie leaving the 118 in 3 months and Buck getting closer to moving past his grief, what will him losing his work partner mean for him?

Chapter 31 - As Buck’s life hangs in the balance from what’s suspected to be another bradycardia event, Eddie’s by his bedside, their son is being cared for by relatives and their found family is in the waiting room. During this time, many questions will surface that could possibly lead to the truth but will everything be revealed before it’s too late?

Chapter 32 - Will be posted soon.

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Read chapters 1-31 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

[doveshovel]

anon is right, more hunter lore.

he's very fun. love your ideas.

Do you mind if I ask what goes on regarding all the magic stuff? Is he Aideen-adjacent or just kind of vibing? Somewhere in-between? I know there's some drama going on with Sabine 🤔

I wasn't expecting my guy to get this much attention, thank you guys!

Going to be completely honest here: I'm a very new player who only really started playing SSO in January of this year, and took about a month's break from the main quests in March. As a result, I've almost definitely forgotten a lot of important lore surrounding Aideen/soul rider magic, and don't have many of the magical shenanigans in Hunter's story fully thought out :'))

But! It has definitely been on my mind. Hunter's specific role among the soul riders + his relationship with the different circles of magic are works in progress so here's what I've been working with so far!

(Content warning for some (pink) blood in image!)

Lately, I've been messing with the idea (just for fun) that Hunter's a conduit for Aideen, rather than a descendant or reincarnation. He has almost no magical power of his own, and relies pretty much entirely on the whims of an incorporeal, deity-like being to perform any kind of soul rider magic. Essentially, he gets partially possessed every now and again when what remains of Aideen's soul decides that it would be beneficial to the fate of Jorvik and/or its inhabitants. During this "possession", Hunter functions as a point at which her soul (which I think was supposed to be scattered among the horses, people, and nature of Jorvik? correct me if I'm wrong. Hunter's lore google doc is in dire need of revision and organization anyways) can condense enough to produce magic from any of the four circles, and create the illusion that he's the mystical fifth soul rider.

Other bits of this idea from the google doc:

The four runestones in Valedale respond to a concentrated "presence" of Aideen, rather than to Hunter himself.

He's aware of this. Aideen's not of this world in cannon (emerged from a falling star), and practically dissolved into the entire island of Jorvik. Containing even a fraction of her soul in a human body is a jarring experience that can cause a lot of issues for the "host" ranging from minor side effects (cold sweating, shortness of breath, dizziness, headaches, fatigue, muscle aches, mild nausea, etc.) to more severe (short memory gaps, nosebleeds, migraines, loss of consciousness, insomnia, severe nausea, visual disturbances and/or hallucinations, auditory disturbances and/or hallucinations, etc.).

Maybe losing so much of his memory and original personality in the process of getting to Jorvik counts as losing part of a soul? So it creates a kind of "empty space" that Aideen's own soul is able to fill whenever she so chooses, and that's why Hunter works as a conduit/vessel, rather than a reincarnation. Idk. May have to workshop this.

The soul riders, valiant reincarnations of previous soul riders. +This one guy who has a weird thing with the local deity

Hunter and Aideen have a similar relationship to roommates who butt heads frequently but have no intention of leaving to seek a better roommate. but in Hunter's brain/soul/body. Bodymates. Soulmates (derogatory) (not romantic) (not platonic either). Symbiotic relationship. Both parties benefit and Hunter recognizes the necessity of it for saving Jorvik but he's still having a very bad no good time with the side effects, and he's still mad at her for letting him die.

This is the idea that I like working with the most so far, but I'll update y'all if there's something better in the works! :^D

As for Sabine: I was in a weird headspace while making that little comic of Hunter and Sabine up in Dinosaur Valley. At the time, it was just intended to be the end of Hunter's story. He'd be a spooky character who haunts the forest up in the valley as a ghost and that's that. Maybe the world's doomed by Garnok now, maybe the keepers find someone to replace him. Hunter doesn't know, he's dead on a mountainside and doomed to spend eternity wandering in search of an escape from Sabine.

A couple weeks after making that scene, I decided I didn't want that to be the end of his story. Just because it's kind of sad :( As much as I delight in making Hunter's wildly out of place string of crimes for a backstory, and making him experience endless horrors, Star Stable's very much a happy game for me. It's something I couldn't afford as a 10 year old but desperately wanted, and bought for myself with adult money a decade later to live out some old horseboy dream with beloved pixel horsies. :) To end my first (and so far only) player character's story there feels like a disservice, so I've got that scenario tucked away as a sort of AU/alternate timeline thing. It's still very fun to draw and think about because I love giving characters horrors to experience, but I want him to keep going on horse adventures in Jorvik :D

I decided that he does in fact die there in the Hidden Valley though. Not many people can survive that kind of thing after all. Aideen, however, decides she doesn't want to lose her vessel just yet, and Hunter's resurrected through a combination of the power of horsies and friendship Aideen's connection to the star circle and WizardEgg's (Starter horse) Starbreed magics. Magical resurrection results in the ability to channel more of Aideen's magic, but also the worsening of side effects, and a glowing star-shaped scar on his forehead that appears when using said magic.

^Old doodle from when I was playing around with negative side effects of magic :)

The whole scene creates a point of tension between he and Aideen. Hunter thinks Aideen could have done more to prevent it, and isn't particularly fond of the new, worsened magical side effects. Aideen isn't mortal and so doesn't think the way mortals do. She sees her vessel as having gained more power, and knows he'll come to understand the value of that power in the future. She's right, but he's still going to be mad about it.

As for Sabine? Hunter's still scared of her! Her and all the dark riders! They're spooky 👻 and he's a bit of a coward! Hunter lost a lot of his nerve/confidence with his memories during the boating incident, along with coordination and a couple other odds and ends.

[slayerkitty]

2023 in Review: Meta Edition

So I got tagged to do a moth-by-month meta review by a few people - @chickenstrangers, @lurkingshan, and @ranchthoughts. I wasn't sure I had enough meta or posts, but then I remembered Only Friends...

So I figured, why not?

January/February

No meta from me yet - was still lurking/starting to poke my head out and interact a little.

March

My Favorite/Most Popular: Dome is Jesus! So I've long said that my first BL meta was for La Pluie, and that's true. However, my first meta since I started watching Thai dramas was for Midnight Museum (which is, technically, not a BL). Thus we have my Dome is Jesus meta. And I don't think I was wrong? But he was also way more than that, lol.

April

My Favorite/Most Popular: Dome is one of the four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Midnight Museum season 2 WHEN?

May

No meta this month.

June

My Favorite/Most Popular: Dream loves Nara. HAHA, my first La Pluie/BL meta and it's about the GL side couple. Dream wore that red 'N' right over her heart on that sweater and since I've been to the @respectthepetty school of color, I noticed it right away. AND I WAS RIGHT.

July

My Favorite/Most Popular: Turtle Tai. My La Pluie meta where I over identify with Tai for several paragraphs. I have no idea if it helped others who were struggling with Tai get a better understanding of where he was coming from emotionally, but writing it was cathartic and I'm so glad @lurkingshan poked at me and said I should write it.

August

Most Popular: Let's Talk About Trust, Baby. One of my first Only Friends metas from early on, when the show was absolutely eating my brain. I had a lot of fun breaking down the trust dynamics of the characters.

My Favorite: Baby, Let's Try. My breakdown of the Let's Try OST MV (and Only Friends BTS videos) analyzing the different framing devices and effects used and what it might be saying regarding our larger group discussions on ephemerality in regard to the show. When I watched this MV and realized what was happening, I had to drop everything and write out meta and that was so much fun.

September

Most Popular: Narrative Frameworks in Only Friends (post episode 4). I ended up doing this weekly and it was so fascinating... until the frameworks went away. Why, P'Jojo?

My Favorite: Working with @jenyifer to figure out the story of the Only Friends end cards for each episode. It finally put the mystery of those moments to rest and figuring out where they originated or where they fight in the chronology of the show really added some depth to certain moments.

October

My Favorite/Most Popular: With the dramatics and exhausting reveals of the Red Peafowl casting announcements, I loved my reaction: Let's Just Stan the Fucking Bird. @blmpff mentioned fan club memberships and the Featherheads were born.

November

My Favorite/Most Popular: (Stages of) Grief in Last Twilight. I wanted to explore where Day and Mhok were with the grieving process. My only Last Twilight meta (so far?).

December

My Favorite/Most Popular: Narrative Choices in For Him the series.

Honorable Mention: my most noted post of the year, lmao, but not a meta - my second Pit Babe is trending post.

Look at me, I got all wordy from July through November, LOL. Here's hoping for more meta and more brain rotting BLs in 2024.

Not tagging anyone, but if you see this and you wanna do it, consider yourself tagged!!

[vexy-hexy]

Finally watched/listened to the full 4 hour call the Senate had with Rosa, and oh my God, that was NASTY

Here's my thoughts while I was watching it, with time stamps

I'm making this comment as I go through the video, so this is my thought process throughout the video

Before I start, my assumptions going in are that Rosa was a mod in Star Giant's server, was told about Nekopawn (How do you spell that?) grooming kids, but didn't do anything about it, including not telling Star Giant, so I'm hoping some evidence of Rosa being told and ignoring it is talked

29:31 If Rosa should just block him and move on, couldn't Ziad do the same thing to her if it pissed him off? Because, like Ziad is allowed to complain about others on his Twitter, she and others are also allowed to complain about him on Twitter. Or, were she and others making sock puppets to harass him?

30:51 "I'm sensing a pattern here, a very gross pattern" funnily enough, so am I

31:10 they say here they're not talking about Nekopawn, and they're talking about how Andrew Clark defended Cuties (which, gross), and it sounded (to me) like Rosa was asking when he did that when she asks for the timeline, but then they immediately start on about the Nekopawn grooming. Like, I could be completely wrong, but it didn't seem like Rosa was asking when the grooming happened, just trying to figure out when the cuties thing happened

35:32 By the way, when DID this grooming happen? Because, if it was years ago, then what do her tweets as of then and how much she tweeted at the time have to do with anything? Did her and Ziad begin having beef recently or was it something that happened a while ago and she kept dragging it up, because, if it's the latter, then I guess I can see why it's relevant. It sounds like these things happened around the same time, but, given the fact that they also

34:18 when the hell did this person try to be nice? Rosa is correct, she tries to answer their questions and they don't ask for clarifications, they make an assumption on what she means, and then hound her for THEIR assumptions

36:02 ok, shit take Rosa

36:34 far as I'm aware, we, the public, don't have that evidence, and given how these guys can sometimes take evidence and misconstrue it, I'm struggling to have any faith in them (if someone can prove me wrong, please do, I'd like to be wrong about this part)

44:08 Isn't Lio JUST now addressing how awful this call was a year later? And I mean, on YouTube? (Again, if I'm wrong and he publicly denounced it earlier than a short segmant in his video a few months ago, please correct me)

(Side note, Lio says they sent Rosa apologies for this call the day after it happened, but, apparently, Rosa says they never apologized. Do Lio and co. ever show proof they apologized?)

45:10 isn't she being more specific? She's said she feels sorry for not handling the Nekopawn situation better, only to be cut off by Peaches being sarcastic and nasty

446:13 funny, I could say the EXACT same about these people

47:36 cool, so Blu acknowledges you can miss the good times with sh*tty people. I say this as an autistic person who is probably younger than most of the people talking in the Senate (I just turned 22 in January): I'm considered to be on the "higher end of the spectrum", but I am still INCREDIBLY gullible and easily manipulated. It was so easy to be convinced and then convince myself that anything my "friends" did was fine, and if I had a problem with anything, I was just being overdramatic because "how dare I think these people can do bad things, they put up with me, so how can they be bad? I'm such a bad friend for questioning them." Look, I don't know if Rosa is anything like me when I was a kid and didn't know how to handle serious things (and I very much do agree she should have done something, ANYTHING, when people brought the grooming to her attention), but if Peaches' grooming can be used to explain why they invalidated another person's grooming story a few years back (see the Crystal Flame situation), I fail to see how being an easily manipulated person cannot also be used as an explanation (not an excuse, an EXPLANATION)

50:20 BITCH, I WOULD BE CRYING, THE FACT ROSA ISN'T AMAZES ME

51:29 again, what does this have to do anything?

52:10 then how is he a piece of shit? Quite honestly, I don't think MOST of the people in this call have ever touched grass, but that’s not why I think they're pieces of shit

54:19 I presume this talking about the call Lio has on his channel, which I also listened to, and, TBH, she’s not wrong about how that call was abusive

56:10 I could say the EXACT same thing about your kid Lio

57:52 I wish Peaches would stop pretending to care

58:11 Why WOULD she thank you???

58:40 when? When were they calm? She didn't even say that, that's their assumption of what she meant

59:09 I hope Blu and everyone else feels guilty for this call

59:58 wait? What?

1:00:38 And I'd think Lio publicly (in a video) addressing how abusive, ableist, and nasty this call was should take priority over Miku, but, what do I know?

1:01:52 I agree with this. If Rosa CAN get into contact with Star Giant and tell them to address the Nekopawn situation, she should, and if Rebecca refuses, she absolutely needs to drop her

1:02:10 WHY DOES THE STAR WARS STUFF KEEP COMING UP??? I'M GENUINELY SO CONFUSED??? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE GROOMING???

1:03:16 why is this Leah person being given the floor before any of the victims?

1:04:09 and I also hate liars... I also hate ableist bullies who don’t seem to know what nuance is, what's your point???

1:05:52 so, when Ziad is supposedly harassing people, it's fine???

1:06:05 ok, if that's true, that's screwed up and I would also be rude to those people

1:06:31 with that logic, so can Rosa??? I'm so confused, is she the one trying to dox him? If she's just complaining about him on Twitter, what's the problem? Shouldn't Ziad be more focused on the people trying to dox him instead of someone saying their opinion on him? Like, what did Rosa's tweets even say? Were they THAT bad?

1:06:33 again, if she can do that to Ziad, why can't Ziad block and ignore her and her opinions on him??? I'm being serious and genuine, I don't understand WHY he couldn't do that??? If someone knows, I'd appreciate it

1:06:40 ah yes, Coyote Lovely, the guy who a few months later was exposed to be in contact (and I think friends) with a known groomer and zoo

1:09:21 pot meet kettle

1:09:33 I could be completely mistaken, but wasn't it revealed that Ziad DID threaten someone using a sock puppet account? Like, I listened to both of Lio's videos on him yesterday and that's what I got from them. Was there ever any evidence of him doing this to other people like his haters? I'm actually curious (again, if someone knows that he didn't send any threats to his detractors, that info would be greatly appreciated)

1:09:48 ok, so Leah is older than I am

1:10:21 oh yeah, like that's believable 🙄

1:11:50 oh, cool, so, according to Dr Lio Convoy, you can only have PTSD if you've been to war. Does this mean grooming victims can't have PTSD? Or are you specifically talking about online bullying? Because, wouldn't that mean Peaches can't have PTSD or trauma from the Peaches drama a few years back?

1:12:43 and here's Dr Leah who apparently knows everything about seizures, despite the fact that they're incorrect and repeated seizures CAN cause brain damage and lead to memory loss

1:13:09 maybe it's just me, but I feel like they kinda SHOULD care how Rosa's seizures affect her???

1:13:39 I feel like that's a stupid comparison...

1:14:09 apparently they also know when something isn't a panic attack because they have panic attacks "sometime"

1:14:35 panic attacks are different for everyone (but, I'll admit, I don't think I've ever seen the call they're talking about). Also, their analogies suck, they could've just said light switch, why specifically a light switch in a bathroom???

1:15:22 cool, more bad faith assumptions based on someone they've NEVER met. I'm curious where this 23 year old is studying to be a doctor since they can apparently diagnose someone as faking panic attacks over a call

1:15:39 literally, Lio acts more like an anime protagonist than Rosa (from what I've heard). Have you heard him yelling? It sounds like he's a shitty voice actor. I've heard comic dubs by 12 year olds with more believable rage than Lio

1:16:08 how many times have they interrupted Rosa now? I lost count

1:16:32 well now I'm even more confused, because I don't hear Rosa acting "cutesy UwU", I've only heard her struggle to speak and not understanding what's going on

1:16:41 She does have special needs, and Lio KNOWS this, so WHY hasn't he stepped in and confirmed that Rosa IS special needs?

1:16:52 really, I couldn't tell 🙄. Again, to me, these people sound more like wannabe voice actors than Rosa does TF 🤨

1:18:19 so they're NOT a doctor??? So why are they acting like they know anything???

1:18:51 has Lio considered the memory loss is Rosa trying to explain and not excuse?

1:19:23 1: that wasn't even a clever insult and 2: cool, telling Rosa to commit self delete

1:20:26 ok, so the grooming started in 2019 but was revealed in 2020

1:20:40 she literally didn't say that!

1:21:45 wait? What? Weren't they just giving Rosa crap for not listening to this Mongrel person (despite saying they also wouldn't listen to them), and it's Rosa's fault for giving Mongrel another chance? What?

1:22:17 so Rosa may not have been contacted about Nekopawn? Because they're asking if Rosa KNEW about the email?

1:22:24 why are they confronting ROSA about STAR GIANT complaining that they needed to ban Nekopawn? They're getting mad at the wrong person

1:23:02 IDK, why didn't the Senate try harder to get her in a call?

1:23:25 so Rosa isn't Rebecca's friend by Rebecca's OWN admission???

1:23:38 I THOUGHT THEY SAID SOMEONE EMAILED STAR GIANT ABOUT NEKO??? I THOUGHT STAR GIANT WAS ALREADY AWARE OF THE GROOMING AND THAT'S WHY THEY WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT HAVING TO BAN NEKO? If Star Giant ALREADY KNEW about the grooming, what was Rosa SUPPOSED TO DO? This whole call, I thought that the victims only went to Rosa and, because she never said anything, Star Giant didn't know, but they're saying that they contacted both Star AND another person who WENT TO STAR GIANT?! Like, even if Rosa DID try to ban Nekopawn (even though she apparently couldn't ban people), Star COULD'VE just added them back KNOWING of the grooming? Like, I'm confused, am I misunderstanding them?

1:23:46 just a guess, but maybe it was the seizure induced memory loss?

1:23:52 oh, did you go to war?

1:25:02 your problem is with Star!

1:26:01 look, I feel horrible hearing this victim of Nekopawn speak, what they went through is HORRIBLE, but they keep bringing up their grievances with STAR as if ROSA is the one who did them

1:27:44 and yet, somehow Lio, you still come across as chronically online

1:29:00 why are they bringing up the email sent to STAR GIANT? Again, this is Rosa, bring up the stuff you can prove was sent to HER and can prove she didn’t act upon the situation properly

1:29:25 I feel like a broken record, but STAR GIANT SAID THAT!

1:29:56 how does being a fan of someone have anything to do with memory problems?

1:31:29 I'm sorry WHAT?

1:32:12 Lio, you DO harass people on the internet

1:33:31 do they know if Star ever got abused, or are they just assuming she's overdramatising an insult about her editing? I mean, even if Star WAS abused, that doesn’t excuse them doing nothing about a groomer

1:33:42 so does Lio and this entire fucking server

1:33:54 then where is it? Bring THAT up instead of repeatedly bringing up what Star Giant did and said

1:34:18 irony? How is Rosa not remembering and someone else remembering details about her ironic?

1:37:22 it wasn’t Rosa's server though? Seriously, am I missing something?

1:38:11 or maybe Rosa was looking for other LGBT people to be friends with? Why do they immediately assume she's using LGBT people as shields?

1:39:15 where did she say she fetishisizes LGBT people? The bad faith assumptions are insane

1:40:52 okay, yeah, why was that recording ignored? That's messed up

1:42:26 very much agree, Rosa needs to get rid of Star Giant

1:43:14 STAR SAID THAT, NOT ROSA! WHY ARE YOU GETTING ON ROSA ABOUT SOMETHING STAR SAID?

1:44:37 they haven't let her speak? And when she gets the chance, they doubt or mock or interrupt her

1:47:53 Rosa ISTG 🤦‍♀️

1:51:25 where the hell did that even come from?

1:52:51 I guess those without talent also spend their free time being ableist bullies

1:55:57 and Rosa is the one acting like an anime protagonist?

1:56:12 so, now Lio is insulting Rosa's appearance, that's great and absolutely called for 🙄

1:56:18 "I care very much so about people with disabilities" mmmm, why don't I believe that?

1:56:36 BITCH STOP ASKING! YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE!

1:57:36 GEE, I WONDER WHY SHE WOULD WANT TO LEAVE???

1:57:50 isn’t that why she’s here? Because, so far, a majority of this call is just calling her stupid, saying ableist shit, and blaming her for stuff someone else said

1:58:20 they also cut her off repeatedly and didn't listen to her when she DID specify what she was sorry for and continued to treat her like an idiot

1:58:29 at this point, I'm confused about what Rosa did too, because the most outrageous stuff they've brought up is stuff they said Star Giant said, not Rosa. Again, maybe I'm misunderstanding and I apologize if that's the case but it's not very clear

1:59:29 I wish I was in this call because I have words to say and questions to ask

1:59:51 I don't know what's going on

2:00:01 oh, hey, unnecessary insults again

2:00:51 the way they talk to Rosa makes me wonder if they think SHE'S the groomer

2:01:28 "you've gone off topic so many times" YEAH, SO HAVE YOU AND ALMOST EVERYONE ELSE WHO SPOKE PEACHES! The only Naruto role player is you and your friends

2:02:10 and more ableism

2:02:55 wait, I thought they said earlier someone else snitched on the victims, not Rosa??? Did I misunderstand?

2:04:00 okay, first off, you don't know if she was sick or not Lio, second off knock off the slut-shaming, literally what reason was there for you to say that?

2:04:56 ok, so Lio admits he's threatening her now, and he's also telling her to self delete

2:05:32 wait? Find her family? How? Is he going to stalk her or something? That's a really weird thing to threaten

2:05:41 so Lio acknowledges she's LGBT now, and we know that he knows her parents are her caregivers, but he has no problems outing her to the people she relies on to live

2:05:47 kinda curious what Lio's excuse is for this call happening and everything he said, especially since he's older than Rosa and, apparently, has stronger morals

2:06:04 so you did stalk her? And are now threatening to harass her on her Facebook? Also, reblog is Tumblr you fucking idiot

2:06:31 now Lio is threatening to spread this through her town

2:06:41 couldn't happen to a better person? At the time of this call, you were friends with people more deserving of this vitrol. I wonder how Lio's town and family would react to him verbally abusing and bullying a disabled woman with 60+ people watching and others joining in?

2:07:10 HOW IS THAT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS???

2:09:15 if I hear that Peaches cried when people called them out for being a litle ableist bitch bully, I'm gonna lose my shit

2:09:38 WHEN DID SHE SAY ANY OF THAT???

2:10:05 sincerely, the slut comment was unnecessary

2:11:22 okay, so, Rosa can't interrupt Lio, but he's free to interrupt her and cut her off whenever he wants

2:11:39 WHAT THE FUCK LIO?!

2:13:13 she sounds so distressed

2:14:25 "say whatever you want about me being a horrible person" you mean in this server full of your friends that have repeatedly interrupted her, twisted her words, and thrown insults at her? Where at least one of them has already excused you spamming your haters, but Rosa apparently can't complain about you?

2:14:49 at this point, I also don't respect you Ziad

2:16:56 and now Ziad sounds like an anime character giving a tragic backstory monolog

2:18:36 clearly since you obviously haven't learned shit

2:19:18 didn’t Ziad say he hoped Rosa got hit by a car on Twitter? (I could be wrong) And several times IN THIS CALL people have told her that she should self delete?

2:19:26 well the ableism isn't false now I guess

2:20:18 wasn't that tweet addressed earlier in the call? Because, from my memory, the tweet wasn't accusing Ziad of being a homicidal maniac, it was an exaggerated way of saying Ziad silences people who are against him

2:20:49 "we're not abusing you!" Highly debatable

2:22:05 ISTG, everytime Peaches talks, I want to bash my head in with a brick

2:22:24 oh, cool, another doctor who can apparently diagnose strangers over Discord

2:24:24 you are a terrible person

2:24:56 I could say the EXACT SAME THING ABOUT ALMOST EVERYONE ON THIS CALL

2:27:39 IT WASN'T ROSA'S SERVER! STOP SPREADING MISINFORMATION!

2:28:50 maybe she just calmed down? Also, I thought she still sounded distressed while talking to Ziad

2:29:38 and yet, here Ziad is taking attention away from the grooming to yell at Rosa about shit on Twitter that, according to these people, shouldn't matter as much as the grooming

2:31:27 was ROSA the one calling Ziad a pedo??? Because that's disgusting and disappointing if so

2:32:12 oh, hey, Sappho's BFF is back

2:33:22 so Ziad DOES go after people with differing opinions??? I'm confused again

2:36:30 most of what you people have brought up isn't relevant to Rosa

2:37:40 LIO DID THREATEN TO TALK TO HER MOM! HOW WAS THAT A FAKE THREAT?

2:37:54 the next time I hear Peaches crying and having a panic attack, I'll just assume that they're lying because their mummy didn't raise them right

2:41:12 I counted, Coyote said the 'r' slur 9 times in a row

2:42:48 legit, those examples aren't even in the same ballpark Lio, and I think you know that

2:42:56 so, wait, Ziad can say his opinion all he wants, and people can't say anything bad about him, but if someone says something HE doesn't agree with (because even if a movie is factually bad, people can still have the opinion that it was good), he’s allowed to rip apart their opinions? That's what I'm getting in this section

2:43:09 and you're a piece of shit Lio, and I guess you always will be 🤷‍♀️

2:43:40 IT WASN'T ROSA'S SERVER AND YOU KNOW THAT LIO! CALLING IT "your server" WHEN SPEAKING TO ROSA MISLEADS THOSE WHO DON'T FUCKING KNOW AND PILES THE RESPONSIBILITIES THAT COME WITH OWNING A SERVER, WHICH ROSA DIDN'T HAVE BECAUSE IT WASN'T HER SERVER, ONTO HER

2:45:01 that's somehow the stupidest fucking suggestion I've ever heard so far. Who the hell would give people bullying them their login info? Quite frankly, I wouldn't be shocked if these people used that to say shit on her accounts and frame her for it

2:47:47 and now Lio is dehumanizing her, great

2:49:12 and fatphobia, because that's not disgusting and uncalled for

2:51:26 is it just me or is Peaches slurring their words?

2:51:58 these people keep bouncing between the Nekopawn situation and Twitter beef between Rosa and Ziad

2:52:45 funny, I'm curious if anyone in this call is sorry for the disgusting shit they said, or if they're just sorry they're now being called out

2:53:03 hasn't Rosa apologized several times in this call for her inaction about Nekopawn? I mean, all fairness, she has brought up how her personal life got in the way almost (if not every) time she said sorry, so I can see why it wouldn't feel genuine

2:53:19 so, Lio's wishing harm upon a disabled person from their caregiver

2:53:57 so, first she's an anime protagonist, and now she's an NPC

2:54:33 I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING ABOUT THE SENATE

2:54:47 LMAO, THE IRONY 🤣

2:55:59 and you people didn't help that victim and I HIGHLY doubt ANY of these people actually give a shit about kids being groomed after this call. This call has shown me that they just want to bully people in the open, but in a way that makes people think they're good people

2:56:25 SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT PEACHES ISTG!

2:58:08 *cough cough* pot meet kettle *cough cough*

2:59:58 I hope Lio sees my comment, maybe he'll answer all my questions

3:03:30 NO YOU'RE NOT BEING NICE AND YES, YOU ARE YELLING AT HER!

3:03:42 I'd argue most of these people can't come back from this "mistake" of a call

3:06:47 and yet, despite being used, this person clearly doesn't have an OUNCE of empathy or understanding for Rosa

3:09:37 if you gave STAR the evidence, how is it Rosa's fault that STAR told Neko? These people keep bringing up shit Star Giant did and said and demanding Rosa's answers for someone else's actions

3:11:16 Lio, you've lost your temper SEVERAL TIMES in JUST this call alone

3:11:40 so Lio ACKNOWLEDGES that Rosa needs a caretaker and incapable of taking care of herself

3:14:03 ...I feel like that sentence alone says a lot about what this call was actually about...

3:14:18 the fucking dramatic voice 😂 anime protagonist much

3:14:58 didn't Lio literally acknowledge that Rosa was LGBT earlier when he said he would out her to her parents, even if they were homophobic?

3:15:33 I couldn't given everyone was screaming insults at Rosa

3:16:01 well Peaches, I guess YOU would know something about bitch boy tears 🤷‍♀️

3:16:25 Dr Peaches in the house now, diagnosing someone over a fucking Discord call

3:16:36 wait, I didn't know Peaches fought in wars too? Or does Lio think you can only have PTSD if you're a war vet UNLESS he likes you?

3:16:51 I can't tell if Peaches is knowingly lying and twisting Rosa's words, or if they've somehow just convinced themselves that Rosa ACTUALLY said ANY of that, but I'm hoping it's the latter...

3:18:28 ROSA DIDN'T FUCKING SAY THAT!

3:18:38 were they? Because, if memory serves me correct, Blu is the one who initially assumed Rosa said grooming had an expiration date

3:19:35 maybe she gets quiet because everyone interrupts her and doesn't let her speak ... Just a thought...

3:20:06 WHEN DID SHE SAY THAT?????

3:20:50 oh cool, so Lio would murder his own disabled child for not doing enough to stop a predator

3:21:57 Lio quite literally told her she wasn't allowed to leave yet, and told (threatened) her that, if she did, he would contact her parents

3:22:03 if I find out that Peaches couldn't find the time to send an apology to Rosa for this call before deleting their shit, I'm gonna lose it

3:22:36 and abortion jokes. Also, Lio making fun of Rosa's appearance

Again... what is this, the 5th time?

3:23:34 PONDER, THANK EVERYTHING!

3:24:03 Lio back pedaling so fast LOL

3:24:28 she asked for a fucking reason Lio

3:24:55 none of you have even let her say more than 2 sentences at a time, how could she have gone on "tangents"? Also, not Lio fucking lying to Ponder

3:24:57 "never being able to answer direct questions" whenever she tried, someone would cut her off

3:25:03 YES PONDER, THANK YOU!

3:26:20 these fuckers got REAL quiet real fast

3:27:12 no she fucking didn't, stop twisting her words!

3:27:20 Ponder is finally asking the right questions

3:28:03 wow, Lio got real quiet...

3:29:27 thank you Harley and Ponder

3:29:39 fucking idiot

3:31:10 WHEN WERE ANY OF YOU TRYING TO BE NICE???

3:33:04 these bitches are STRUGGLING to explain themselves to Ponder

3:34:50 so many people seem to be leaving the call now that the bullying is done

3:35:40 THERE'S A DIFFERENCE? I'm so glad they called that shit out

3:36:25 Ponder was literally stunned by how stupid Lio sounded

3:37:13 I cannot believe I'm agreeing with Coyote...

3:37:56 I'M SO GLAD THEY CALLED WHOEVER THAT IS OUT ON THAT

3:38:26 how many excuses have you and your friends tried to make for their bullying in the past 15 or so minutes Ponder has been here?

3:39:29 you're letting her speak? You're giving her your patience? Legit when?

3:39:46 OH MY GOD, I WAS NOT EXPECTING SOMEONE TO ACTUALLY CALL THEM ON HOW THEY WERE MAKING EXCUSES

3:41:06 I'm so glad Harley brought up these threats and blackmail

3:41:32 LIO ADMITTED IT WAS A THREAT! AND HE WAS YELLING!

3:42:32 that's because it WAS intimidation

3:44:38 guys got a point, they're beating a dead horse

3:46:09 I'm so glad Ponder called Lio on this shit

3:47:23 THEY CHANGED HER NAME???

3:48:25 well, these people have shown it's unsafe for her

3:49:14 So, it's confirmed Lio knew and never said anything

3:49:58 Lio may not have brought them into this call, but he is (apparently) the owner of this server

3:50:11 Lio can interrupt anyone he wants, but God forbid anyone interrupt Lio

3:50:15 whether he used the slur or not, Lio was still ableist against someone he KNEW was disabled! How many times did he shame Rosa for not having a job or for living with her parents (caretakers!) at 30? He KNEW she couldn't take care of herself, and still repeatedly shamed and mocked her for it as if she was just lazy and stupid rather than incapable. He also continuously mocked her for not understanding "basic" questions and called her "mush mouth" MULTIPLE TIMES! Just because he didn't say the 'r' slur, doesn't mean he wasn't being ableist

Speaking of ableist little bitches, I haven't heard Peaches say anything for a bit and they wouldn't stfu earlier

3:50:49 THANK YOU! I HOPE YOU'RE LISTENING LIO

3:51:39 I'm going to say this rn, I don't believe for a SECOND that Coyote didn't know Rosa was disabled

3:51:49 I'm so glad some of these people are calling Lio out for withholding information about Rosa

3:52:14 that makes no sense and now I'm almost positive Coyote knew she was disabled and is just trying to cover his ass

3:53:09 I do. I think you were trying to make about yourself. You're also continuing to make it about yourself

3:54:45 you're right Lio, this IS your server, so why did it take so long for you to get off your ass and handle this?

3:55:02 "I'm not a qualified therapist" no shit and thankfully

3:55:31 DUDE, THEY WERE PROBABLY SCARED OF YOU AND YOUR POSSE! And, why does it feel like Lio is trying to shift the attention off of him and onto Harley and Grimace (?)

3:56:38 HA! THEY'RE NOT WRONG

I mean, seriously, a few people tried to say Ponder was making excuses for Rosa when she finally said something

3:57:54 people have VOCALLY said the same things

4:00:08 HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE FAKED A PANIC ATTACK AND PRETEND CRIED! YOU'RE JUST ASSUMING THAT

TL;DR I somehow came out of this call more confused about the Nekopawn situation than when I went in, and the stuff these people said was disgusting and nasty and I hope they're reflecting on their actions and apologize to Rosa. Lio may say he doesn't stand by this call because "it happened a year ago" but I don't believe him for a second. I JUST learned about this call 3 days ago, but I used to be subscribed and listened to Lio while drawing, and I haven't heard him address this in ANY of his videos EXCEPT for a small section in one of his latest video where all he really says is that he's working on a video (correct me if I'm wrong) and bitching about how people are JUST now getting mad about this call, when, IDK about anyone else, but, again I JUST learned about this call

I'm still planning on listening to what Lio says, but I think I'm going to struggle to believe anything he says

I hope Ponder eventually listened to the entire call and saw how they lied to her and twisted Rosa's words...

[ghostofasecretary]

trying to do something more than void screaming and uh. not going great

but since i haven't actually screamed:

wow, dude, it is becoming increasingly clear to me how much of the last two years i've spent not having emotions around all the vaguely shitty (and some tremendously shitty) things that've happened in my life!! and now that i'm thinking about moving, it's. like. oh right i used to have a wider range of emotions. i used to get mad because i wanted my life to be better and felt that it was possible. i was not actually always chill about things. my chill is mostly a response to crushing anxiety and misery actually!

and i'm, like. i was horrifically lonely for the first 8 months after moving back in with my parents in May 2022 and then it subsided until the last time a friend came to visit in January 24, which was lovely and then i cried for a few hours and felt like my chest was ripped open and i called another friend and sobbed until i was functional again

(i also cried on the way home from a vacation spent visiting friends but it was a bit easier to box that up again)

how much of my life has just been getting to function under a deep layer of unhappiness!!

and like, i'm not gonna knock getting to function. i fully did not have enough energy to do anything from, like, February to May 23. and i had very little energy after that, though more! and i worked from May to a few days ago, which i did because i found even more energy. but it was terrifying to be so knocked out i couldn't apply for jobs or think about the future or my finances, and that went on realistically for like 8+ months, and that makes me want to cry but. well. that's life. and i did get my accounting back on track and i took a class and i figured out some food stuff and i, y'know. was alive?

but i want to be happy. i want my life to be good. i don't want to spend years being miserable--i say, as if i don't dream about getting a PhD, y'know, The Process Where You're Miserable For 5-7 Years And Then Your Future Is Still Horribly Uncertain (but also you get to be super nerdy so. points!?)--and i don't want to have feelings about the past! i've had PTSD twice, surely that's enough rumination for anyone!

and i know it doesn't work like that. i know. it's okay to have feelings and it's okay for things to not work out.

but my growing awareness of, Oh Right, Used To Be Different, Used To Feel Less Resignation has mostly been coupled with, like, more anxiety and way less getting things done. and i would like to get things done and be less anxious! rude that that isn't happening!!

i dunno. i don't think i'm necessarily thinking clearly about any of this or drawing accurate conclusions, i just. needed to make some words about the storm i'm feeling

tomorrow i have three tasks and some bonus ones. tonight i can maybe get a head start on some of them or work on some little ones and that'll be good for me.

i'll be fine. i may also, like, scream for a good long while and be tremendously upset and have a bunch of "hahaha wow living with my rapey ex the first time i ever lived in a city sure was something, surely this will have no impact on me" feelings! but i'll also do laundry. so who is the real winner.

[savage-rhi]

*inhales deeply*

LET'S GET DANGEROUS....

I know I don't owe anyone anything, but I want to be transparent about why I've not been as active lately.

My recent job loss and the discrimination that contributed to said loss had me severely depressed. After coming down a little from survivor/PTSD mode, I needed to take space from everyone and everything. I am starting to feel better, thankfully.

I have been performing odd jobs in my neighborhood so that I am good on cash for bills and housing this month and part of next month. Beyond that, I don't know what to expect.

I am still working on my Ko-Fi shop. This is one of those things I jumped right into thanks to survivor mode, and I didn't account for everything as thoroughly so I'm taking my time with it.

I did speak to a few legal advocates and a couple of lawyers during these past few weeks. Here's the good, bad, and ugly:

Good: Yes, there was illegal discrimination at play. My place of employment didn't handle things the way they should've regarding my excused absences related to disability, and they contributed to emotional duress and screwed over my education prospects.

Bad: I didn't have a paper trail for everything, but I had enough to prove that I did what I was supposed to do on my end when it came to adhering to my place of employments processes. There is sadly nothing that can be done about the third party health insurance company that played a role in screwing me over.

Ugly: Even with the pro-bono stuff that was offered, I'm looking between 20,000-35,000k out of pocket if I wanted to take this to the highest.

Folks...I do not have 20-35k lying around nor the emotional bandwidth to go through a trial/suit. Yes, GoFundMe is an option if I was dead serious on dragging these fuckers dicks through the dirt, but guys, honest to god, I'd rather that 20k-35k go to the following:

Keeping a roof over my head and food on the table until I have stable employment

Ensuring I can afford medical care for my disability, and afford new tests that I'm going to need for long-covid issues

Help me stay in my graduate courses/obtain my therapy licensure

Use it to help out other disabled folks in similar situations

I have closure that I was indeed wronged, that I did everything on my end to the best of my ability, and these dehumanizing assholes aren't going to rob anymore of my energy or time than they already have.

I have appointments to see if covid has fucked up or contributed to anything more serious that hasn't been addressed. I have a secondary PCP now cause of health concerns that have gotten worse. My fibromyalgia flares have been more chaotic since catching covid in January and I'm still figuring out what my new baseline is with that.

Spring Term of my graduate studies started last week, and I'm getting as much as I can done so I have more free time.

I am trying to find motivation to work my fanfics, drabbles, interacting, etc. It's been hard with everything.

My former employer is trying to get out of unemployment benefits and I've been battling that on top of the other stuff.

I need time to rest (like hibernate) and I haven't had the opportunity to do that.

Thank you again to everyone who has checked in on me, asked me how I've been, sent something positive, or donated. I'm sorry I haven't had the hit points to get to everyone individually, but I am trying and I am grateful for the compassion and appreciation.

If you still want to donate before my Ko-Fi shop is up, you can donate at these places:

PayPal: JayRex1463@yahoo.com

Kofi: KitchenRaptorJ

CashApp: $JayRex1463

If you don't have the means, that's a okay. Take care of yourself first.

If you want to send me comfort things (Ardyn Izunia, Higgs Monaghan, Karl Heisenberg, dinosaurs, dragons, etc.) like art, fanfic, etc. my way, that would be wonderful and I am open to that. I'm still open to a friendly hello or check in, just know I won't respond right away.

Now that all is said and done...

[ghoulangerlee]

coming from someone whose dad has worked in cars his whole life, sometimes you gotta take a step back and think about is it worth putting the money into a car that keeps breaking down? Currently in that situation myself and I’m trying my damndest to just get a different car. Definitely easier said than done, but that’s advice my dad has engrained into my brain since I was a kid. I hope things get better for you soon <3

Hey anon! I'm so sorry you're going through this situation as well! It really sucks, car troubles that is! I do hope things get better for you and you're able to get a different car!

I do want to be very clear about my car, this is the first time something beyond what I have capabilities to repair has happened. Anything else? I've been able to fix myself. I just don't have the know how or tools to install a new steering gear, hence, having to take it to a shop for diagnosis + having to shop around for a cheaper options. Hell until recently, I didn't even know what an EPS was or that my car didn't have a power steering pump.

Now, re the advice: yes, this is definitely very good advice and advice I used to help me make a decision to actually purchase the car I'm having issues with now! My last car: I paid $600 for it and the repair costs to fix it so it wouldn't leave me stranded far exceeded that amount. So, new car.

Unfortunately, this situation is a little bit different on the current car. I'm still paying it off. I have about $1200 left on it before I even get the title to it. My final car payment should be sometime at the end of January according to math.

Now, this was something I thought about when I got the total from Ford for the repair. All said and done, I've only paid about $6000 for the car and a repair cost of half that seems excessive when I could just get a new car. But again, I haven't paid it off and there's not many options for me with the lien on my title.

I briefly talked about it with the Ford guy, he mentioned that I could possibly sell it to them, and they would just add that $1200 onto the total of a new car. Read: New car.

I bought this one used, because I don't have money to make a "New Car" payment. The Ford here, doesn't do used cars in their car lot, so everything is straight from the factory and costs about $18000 to $23000.

And none of the used car lots here will do a "trade in" on a car with a lien. I've already called a few places.

Now, let's get to the numbers of everything here. So, to repair the car it's gonna cost me $2466. This comes with a warranty and a guarantee that if my power steering goes out again, they'll fix it for free.

If I were able to get a new car, I would have to make two car payments, plus two insurance payments, because the state I live in, requires you to have insurance on your car, even if it's disabled, and especially so if the car has a lien on the title, you have to pay for full coverage until the lien is satisfied.

A peek behind the curtain, every 6 months, my insurance premium is $1900. So, just having this car sitting in my complex's parking lot until it's paid off would cost me about $2800 on top of the cost for a new car payment, which may or may not be more than what I'm already paying a week. Plus the cost of new insurance which is about the same on most 4-door cars for me specifically.

So, at the end of the day, its a lot of money, but $2466 is the cheaper option of my options right now, just because it's more doable than having to pay for two cars, one of which I can't actually drive anywhere beyond pulling in and pulling out of a parking spot.

None of this is meant in a mean way towards you anon, I just wanna lay out my thought process for this, because you're not to first person to ask me have I considered if it's worth fixing my car when the repair costs so much.

But I digress. I hope your car troubles are able to be resolved! I hope that you're able to get something dependable to drive! <3

[thisisyourprincipalspeaking]

I'm sorry it may not be a regular job but the argument still stands, it not being a regular job is even more reason why the argument stands. He provides his PR team, his stylist, his assistant with jobs meaning these are his choices. Unlike regular jobs where most people dont have choices on who their colleagues are, he gets to choose who he hires. So him choosing to go along with "PR" that his team forced him into with a racist girl was his choice. They get paid outta his pocket, so essentially the final say in any matter is his. He can always find another team if he didn't like what they were doing. A lot of us understand Hollywood, we just have to look to other celebrities to compare. //////

Does this anon not realize it took the fandom a year in a half to discover this girl and her racist friends’ posts. Chris was already in this and we don’t know the details or if there is or was a contract. I think the original anon was trying to explain how many things can seem one way but be completely opposite than our assumptions.

You make claims as though they are facts. How do you know he personally hired people and he gets to choose who he hires or if someone recommended someone and he just stuck with them. There are personal relationships and then there’s business. I’m sure most celebs are cool with their teams but unless they are really personable with their teams like singers, then see it as working periodically with a co worker. You’re cool with them but you really don’t know them like that. On top of that has Chris been seen working with that stylist after the crap came out officially about her?

You give Chris Evans and celebrity in general too much power anon. Yes he needs to take accountability, but you act as though you’re a fly on the wall and have 100% facts when you clearly do not.

Most celebrities you think have it so good, do not. You see how many are selling their homes left and right. Stop falling for Hollywood bs and see what this really is…..desperation. You think if Chris really got married or was in a relationship, any of us would know a damn thing. If he at his big age is doing all of this then you better believe something serious is going on bts. He’s selling homes and people want to insert that girl into the mix like he’s moving to be with her, yet no one assumes that just maybe this man might be going through some financial issues or difficulties and needed to do whatever to stay afloat, but carry on with your thought process.

I’m just saying if one is going to look at things from one angle than please look from the opposite as well.

a couple of clarifications: it wasn't a year and a half for the fandom to expose her and her friends' bigotry and racism. at the most we could say it was a year but even that is being extremely generous. the first rumblings of their relationship started in portugal in dec 2021 and picked up steam after the first nye in vermont january 2022. the fandom began making waves about their racist posts at the beginning of december 2022 just before her shower exposé.

also, the statement that we wouldn't know anything if ce got married is an assumption as well is financial issues being the motivation behind selling his homes.

i agree with you that we should look at things from all angles. but i do want to make sure the things we're looking at are not fabrications.

[sincerely-sofie]

The finishing of this fanfic has left me with some pretty mixed emotions. On the one hand, I dont want it to end. It's such an incredible piece of work and even though I finally committed to reading it a few weeks ago, it already feels like such a significant part of my life. On the other hand, I'm a little glad that it's over. FAR from the sense it was bad (I'll steal your liver if thats how you interpret it) but moreso in the sense that it was like a good crying session. It's something that a lot of us (or I assume a lot of us) typically want to avoid even though we know its good for us, and satisfying after the fact. It's like catharsis in a way. Endings aren't always a great feeling in the moment, but it's something that we can look back on with a fondness.

I'm so glad I found this work. I'm being completely serious when I say that this fanfic, and the other content you make, has changed my life for the better. Its helped me reconnect with that love I have for creativity after nearly a decade of not making anything even though I wanted to. It's helped pulled me out of a few ruts of depression. It's helped me realize that I'm not actually emotionally stunted (per my own conclusions) and be more willing to cry instead of burying those feelings. In the past I would just, kill these kinda thoughts before they got far because of how much I wanted to avoid crying. Much less actually writing them down, or express them to someone else. But now, I've been crying the whole time I write this, and for the first time in, I think ever, I'm okay with that. I know we don't actually know each other, but you've genuinely helped me become a better person with the things you make. Thank you so much for everything you've done Sofie. hey look! I got your name right!

But enough about me. I feel like it's getting indulgent at this point. (I've gotten dehydrated with how much ive cried writing this and from what I can tell, you cry a lot more than I do. So go drink some water first, and then) I wanna hear your thoughts. What are your thoughts and feelings about your work being finished? Do you have plans to take a break from creative endevors for a while, or are you gonna keep going? Are you going to be expanding more on this and other au's, different fanworks or move into something completely your own? Whatever the case may be, I'm excited to see what more you are going to come up with!

From the bottom of my heart, and on behalf of everyone else, Thank you for everything.

It's so surreal to have posted that final chapter. I finished the first draft almost 100 days ago exactly, and I spent a number of days after completing it kind of adrift. I'd go to my computer every morning like I had during the month prior and sit down, ready to write, only to remember that I was actually supposed to be taking a break before I made the final edits.  It didn't click in my head that I had actually done it… until a couple weeks later when it hit me like a truck that I had an entire completed manuscript sitting in my Google Docs. I think I was making myself lunch at that moment, and I had to bolt to lie down on the floor and put my legs up against the wall because I was ready to pass out at the realization. 

This feels pretty similar. For me, The Present is a Gift— the main fanfic, at least— was finished in mid-January. But the process of uploading it and agonizing over what people thought of every passing update wouldn't be formally done until about 3 months later. It still hasn't clicked in my head that I won't be posting a new update once Tuesday rolls around. 

On the subject of taking a break— I've actually been taking a break, at least partway! I've barely written anything after I finished TPiaG's first draft, and I haven't drawn much “serious” art, for lack of a better word, since I started my blog. I've still been making things, yes, but scattered oneshots and sketchy pieces without solid lineart are not my typical fare. I'm usually a lot more “exact” with what I make— words fail me here— I hope I'm not being too vague! I might take a brief break as I finish up the winter semester, but that would be less a break from creating and more of an “OH MY WORD I NEED TO FOCUS ON NOTHING BUT PASSING THESE COURSES” kinda thing. 

TPiaG (along with its derivative AUs) is still very much a living project to me— there's a lot more stories the characters have in them, even if I struggle to envision a full-on sequel. I'm absolutely going to answer the asks relating to it that I've received over the months along with any I continue to receive, and if I get any ideas for comics or oneshots here and there, I'll make them. As for what's officially next up on the Sincerely Sofie menu, I'm planning to make a visual novel that's a lot more meaty than the last one I made. I'm not sure if it will be original or based on TPiaG— but a visual novel is the medium I'm planning on! 

I'm so overwhelmed by your kindness. I truly don't have any words. This project started off as something private to help distract me from a depressive episode and to process trauma, and it's become so much more. I'm so glad it was able to help you. Catharsis was the keyword for TPiaG— I wanted it to uproot difficult emotions and help people start to heal from them, but I never dreamed it would really help anyone but myself. So to hear it was able to provide you with that is unbelievably meaningful to me. 

I gave myself the goal somewhat recently to let myself cry whenever the urge strikes me. I used to go months without crying, and whenever I did shed tears, it was alone in my room while muffling the few sounds I accidentally let slip. I'm a natural crybaby, but I had schooled myself into thinking for a number of reasons that it was bad to cry— that it was selfish, or attention-seeking, or weak— so I've been trying to reclaim my teary-eyed identity. It's been difficult, but it's so freeing to let myself feel things fully. All of this is to say: let the tears fall. I've helped more people by crying than my stoicism ever did. 

Thanks again. I can't properly word my gratitude, but know that it's overwhelming :,>

[thelocalmuffin]

Hello everyone! I wanted to share my accomplishments in 2023 before the year ends with a little bit of self reflection notes. You can enjoy everything in the read below.

Some fandoms highlighted include DGS, nintendo, and pokemon.

First off, this year has been hard for me. It's been a lot of self reflection and figuring my goals out after some became unattainable.

With that being said, I did accomplish a lot this year. I published my first recipe in a zine, finishing my first zine, improved my writing a lot, and picked up drawing once again. I also was able to get some actual help with some issues I have struggled with for years.

I want thank you all for your support. It means a lot that you enjoyed my artworks, writing, and ambition. Now here are my highlights for each month.

January: Foxtrot - An Asoryuu kitsune AU. One of the stories I took in when I was at my lowest last year and sparked a lot of my interest to keep writing. Plus Kitsune Kazuma.

February: Encore - A hassius story about motivation and being patient about the creation process. Though this was more or less my thoughts on this topic in general, this story literally inspired me to take my own advice and pick up drawing again.

March: The Memories that Lie - This was one I actually finished, but am glad I did. It's an asoryuu vampire story I was actually planning on scrapping, but ended up finishing anyway out of sheer stubbornness. To finish it, it took me completely restarting five chapters, but it came out a lot better than the original draft had mapped out.

April: This is when I took my hiatus and started to draw again in my free time. I was worn out, stressed, and collapsing under the pressure. This was my first piece that I posted.

May: Was a huge month for me. I launched the @blossominglovezine that you can enjoy here and published my first recipe in The Grand Adventure to Make the Perfect Cake for the @tgaacspringzine

June: I made my first icon! I was really busy this month planning for the trip of my dreams and doing some irl side work that ended up being permanent employment.

July: So I went to Las Vegas for a foodie tour. When I had a moment, I decided to draw the lovely Unicorn Goddess outfit.

August: This is when I did the Timmverse art study. This month was more of finishing up some logistics of zine work and getting a story out in the wild.

September: Goes to the Princess Peach Showtime piece I did! This piece really cemented my current style. And yes, I keep calling it Princess Peach Spotlight. Also wanted to mention I helped successfully launch the @dgscrimezine

October: Goes to my OC piece. CW for blood, but this piece was made for Halloween and the shading was really on point. I love this design for this OC.

November: I'm going with the fact I completed a ship week, asoryuu week. I got everything done at a reasonable time and was able to create so many fun pieces. 1 2 3 4 5 7. I had to skip day 6 because I ended up having an emergency. I also started pre-orders for my first for purchase zine, @desire-asoryuu-zine. This is still in pre-orders, so I wasn't sure if I was going to add it, but this is a big accomplishment for me.

December: I actually haven't been able to do much this month due to the holidays and getting distracted by Pokemon DLC, but I did draw this super cute Yuma!

Other highlights do include being accepted to multiple zine projects as a mod and contributor, which has been very exciting for me. You can check out that list here.

This upcoming year, I'll be helping with more projects and the @aawlwminibang events! I really want to do a personal project that I've been building up my skills for before pursuing, but now I think I'll be able to handle it. I won't announce it yet since it's still very much in development, but I hope I can in 2024.

Thank you all for your support this year. It has meant a ton.

[isalisewrites]

A ramble on writing where May taught me how to write

I know that's such an odd thing to say.

Isa, you know how to write.

And I do.

Last month, the stirrings of something big had begun to grow within me. This month, through the daily fight with my health and the start of the summer semester, I discovered how I write.

I am an intuitive writer. I've known this. So much about my writing has been based in just knowing. I don't actively think about the details while I write. I just do it.

In May, as I began to actively help other writers improve their craft, I began to realize what was happening in the back of my mind during the writing process. After all, I had to bring the knowledge to the forefront to be able to share it at all.

And then I started my series on studying the weaknesses in JKR's writing and my understanding exploded.

The more I attempted to teach others and to help them, the more I realized something in myself.

I actually know what the fuck I'm doing.

This was a HUGE NEW concept to me. Whenever people say to me, "Oh, your writing is wonderful," it didn't fully register in my mind that my writing is strong because I know what I'm doing. The intuition overshadowed my confidence in myself.

Not only do I know how to write, I'm now learning how to teach this knowledge to others.

Writing is a skill.

Writing is not a talent.

I am not a talented writer.

I am advanced writer. I am a skilled writer. I am an experienced writer.

Listen, if you read my writing from ages 10 to 20, you'd fully accept that I am NOT magically talented. I wasn't writing well, but I was writing. I read countless books on writing. I studied grammar and punctuation. I studied plot, character, dialogue, prose, and more. I studied how to hook the reader in the first few lines of a story. I studied the art of the flow of a story, the ups and the downs in the narrative. I honed my editing work flow.

I worked my ass off.

Still am.

The desire to share what I've learned has bloomed within me this month. Writing is still a learning process for me. Through my efforts of analyzing JKR's work, I've begun to see where I can improve even more. I love that about writing.

It's a journey of growth.

It is still a struggle to write every day, but May was better than April and that's all that matters to me.

I wrote more in May than I did in April.

That's good enough.

I just need to write more in June than I wrote in May and I'm going in the right direction.

I've had so many wins this month, no matter how small they are. They're still wins. I've had a lot of inspiration, both fanfiction and original stories. Even though trying to write is more difficult than it was for me in January, I'm still trying. I miss the daily writing. I miss it with all of my heart.

But the year is young.

And June is a new month with new hope.

Until next month.