#i've cried more the last month than in my entire life

[leighlew3]

Hi Leigh. I hope you’re feeling okay. And if you’re not, that’s fine too. We all love you and are here for you.

I know it’s probably not the best time to discuss my concern but like ptsd sometimes ruins my head and I feel extremely paranoid if I don’t try to protect someone I care about.

What I’m trying to say is(and this is entirely presuming through some of your previous posts) that sometimes you do more than your sibling. Which doesn’t mean that it’s bad unless…..it’s sort of intentional in his part?

Once again I’m sorry if this makes you mad and I get it, family can be complicated and I’m just a stranger trying to give you unsolicited advice.

I have a reason to do so and that is I’ve seen my mom under the shadows of her brother. Considering he was a monster and I’m assuming your brother isn’t. Because I only know just one part of his life. However, I’m trying to advice you(sorry for the unsolicited advice btw) because my uncle is a horrendous man. When my granny got cancer and was on her death bed, it was almost the exact situation that you had described in one of your posts. And so I got flashbacks of that time(ptsd??) and I have to admit my uncle is probably way worse considering he tried to sexually assault me when I was 10. But that’s besides the point. What I’m getting to here is that it took years for mom to recognise the behaviour and the nature of her brother until she snapped and then completely cut him off for good. But all those years, she suffered under his tyranny (?) and unfortunately I had to deal with it too.

I just hope that if your case is similar even just a little to what I described, just think about it as a whole. That’s all. I’m not telling you what to do. All I’m saying is be careful.

Much love ❤️

First, thank you, and I'm so sorry you went through that. 💜

So, my brother... was always a genuinely good guy who did the right things, when it counted most at least, especially compared to our evil, abuser 'father'. Unfortunately, he's lately been going through some sort of early mid-life crisis or something, I dunno. But he's just abandoned a lot of people and responsibilities he shouldn't. Things and people that should mean the most are now on the bottom of the priority list.

I've always taken care of our mom single-handedly. I think he's chipped in financially, barely, like... a couple minor times. And for a long time he made more money than I did, so there was no excuse. He just always even as kids amidst trauma -- checked out. His way to deal was to just... not. To run away. To shut it out. Go about his life. Leaving us to survive alone, etc at the time.

Anyway, it broke my heart when I told him this last Christmas might be our last with mom, and to please come, she wanted to be with him and the boys (my nephews) for Christmas, badly. And he instead decided to spend it with his new girlfriend of (at the time) 2 months. The boys were devastated because they could tell grandmama's health was declining and they wanted to be with her/us for Christmas...

Now, after her death, the oldest (15) has said, "Well, we didn't get to see her for Christmas and now she's gone." and the youngest (11, an extra sensitive young soul) hasn't stopped crying fairly regularly since she died. They were already dealing with their parents' split a year or so go, and then their dad basically checking out the second he met the new girlfriend. And now they lost their grandmama who loved them SO much and made them her whole world in the way she made her own children (us) her whole world.

Mom did the best she could for us under hellish circumstances, and she was not perfect, but she was a GOOD mom who loved her two children, would die for her children, always put us first above ALL, including and especially herself. She loved and cared for him so much and he just abandoned her. But for me I always saw no other option BUT taking care of her. She took care of me the first 18 years of her life. So I took care of her the last 18 or so years of hers. I told her she could retire as a teacher's aide and I'd take care of her when her back and legs got bad after years of steroid use due to her asthma + years of abuse. I took care of her, and us. For so long. And in the very end, her last year or so, I was the one bathing her, cleaning up her bowel movement bags, helping her get to the commode by her bed, I was the one feeding her, bringing her her pills, and bankrupting myself on her medical costs -- even as I myself was dealing with long COVID exhaustion/heart/BP issues. To the point that she and I even started having issues of emotional conflict due to both of us being so fucking TIRED and exhausted and frustrated, her suffering, me exhausted and at wits end mental health wise in every way. Those are things I'll forever have to live with and try to process and forgive myself for but at the hospital one night I washed her hair and face and put her lipstick on her and she forgave me for my moments of frustration, and gently thanked me for taking care of her, especially because I was the only one who ever did...

Anyway, I asked him, in order to make room for her hospice bed while she was in the hospital, if he would grab some bed cover bags for the beds to go into my storage, so hospice had room to install her literal death bed. I hadn't slept in a week, being at the hospital anywhere from 5-12 hours a day to be sure she was being treated right and wasn't alone. She hated being there alone and I refused to let her be alone. I was exhausted. His ex wife was there at the hospital with mom to relieve me more than he was. She's been there for me this whole time in ways that if I hadn't had her, I don't think I would've made it through.

So, I was running around making sure mom's whole room was redone for her comfort, the equipment, etc (for what wound up being 2.5 days before she died, but at least I got her home in time and she passed at home like I always promised her I would make sure she did) -- and I just needed him to grab $10 plastic covers from U-Haul and come help me move the beds. He came to help me move the bed, but claimed her couldn't buy the bed covers (?!). He came by a total of... 3-4 times, briefly, throughout the hospital / hospice / hell final days because his priority was his new girlfriend and her children, over his own dying mother, his sister who was exhausted, and his sons who were devastated and hurting and trying to process it all.

I love my brother, I always will, but in her final days he broke her heart. He abandoned me. And now she's gone and aside from him holding me for 30 seconds the night she died (the first time he's really hugged me in half our life) -- he hasn't even called or texted since she died, or the memorial, to ask if I'm okay. He hasn't checked on me. He's just... living his life.

One of mom's dying wishes, I even have on tape, was telling him to take care of his little sister (me) and his sons (especially due to recent events that were devastating her around all that).

And I'm breaking. And I'm not okay.

But this is where it's that thing... where it's always been mom and me, just us, against the world, on our own, no matter who else came or went. No matter what, we at least had each other.

But now she's gone.

I don't have my mom anymore, my best friend, my confidant, my biggest champion and defender... my world is gone. Half my heart and soul is gone. And I don't even have my brother either, really. Barely ever have. I took care of our mom alone most of my adult life while he got to live his. And I'm angry with him for abandoning us all this time and putting it all on me, but especially at the end. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past that. My mom always thought he'd come around, she only ever wanted to see the best in him, and it's heartbreaking. She loved him so much, just as much as she loved me even though I was the one who was always there for her... because she couldn't ever really face that he just... wasn't there, and wasn't going to be there.

But I was. Even in the end. And now I'm broken.

But he's just living his life.

And none of that seems fair.

But that's life, I guess.

[jedipoodoo]

The Other Woman (Sergeant Hunter x Reader)

Notes: miscommunication Trope, Hunter is a Girl Dad™, single fatherhood is hot, how can you hate Omega?? Tbh this is kinda goofy lol.

"Ah, kriff."

Hunter glanced at the glow of his comm and leaped off the couch, running around your house to grab his jacket and his shoes.

"Hunter?" you paused the holo film as he put his shoe on the wrong foot, and quickly had to change it.

"What's wrong?"

He glanced between you and the glow of the holo screen, with his hands held out as if to placate you.

"I am so sorry, I gotta go, my girl's expecting me."

You blinked once. Twice. Then there was a rushing in your ears as your entire world crumpled around you.

"Your...girl?" you asked, fists digging into the cushions of your couch. You had spent months flirting with Hunter, agonizing over whether of not he might like you back. When he asked you if you'd like a date, your heart soared to the moons and beyond. For reasons beyond you, you had invited him into your house, cooked him dinner, only to crash back down to the ground and find out he had someone else.

Hunter was completely oblivious to your sudden moral panic as he started talking about "his girl".

"She's brilliant, kinder than anyone I've ever met, and smart as a whip."

"Glad she's such a catch," You snapped, getting up and marching over to the door.

Hunter finally recognized the anger, radiating off you in waves.

"Is everything alright?"

You barked a humorless laugh.

"Is everything alright? You tell me, Mr. Dark-and-broody! Being in a relationship with multiple people at the same time may have been simple enough during the war, but not here! Not with me!"

His face fell.

"Oh right! I forgot, they didn't teach you any of that on Kamino." It was a particularly cruel barb, but you didn't care. You wanted Hunter to feel as utterly humiliated as you did right now.

"I... I don't understand..." Hunter mumbled, wringing his jacket in his hands.

"Let me spell it out for you then, Sergeant," You slammed the release on your front door and it hissed open, "Get out. Your girl may be okay with this, but I won't play second fiddle to anyone, not in this kind of relationship."

The only sound was the chittering of the sea crickets, a mournful melody that echoed the crestfallen look on Hunter's face. When he didn't move, you pointed him emphatically out the door. The moment he crossed the threshold, you shut and locked the door.

Then you collapsed into a ball and cried.

Did it amuse the force to play with your love life like this? You'd never had the courage to say yes to a date before. You were the kind of kid that got asked out only for it to turn out to be a joke.

Hunter was different. Hunter was supposed to be different. Everyone in the marketplace would talk him up all the time, from his heroics during the war, to the hard work he put in to help rebuild the island. You couldn't believe your good fortune at last when he asked you out.

Of course it was too good to be true.

You cried, curled up at the edge of the doorway until your spine began to protest. Even with all the energy drained out of you so furiously, you knew your bed would be a much more comfortable place to cry on. And there was still ice cream left in the fridge.

You ended up sleeping in the next morning. You didn't mean to. You woke up with your alarm first, but every part of you was just so sore and you were so exhausted, you just had to close your eyes for a few minutes.

A few minutes turned into a few hours.

It was noon when you finally made it to your noodle stall in the Archium, right next to Pilate's ice cone stand.

"You're late," The older man chuckled good naturedly as you started a fresh batch of pasta, "Your gentleman friend was here early this morning, waiting for you."

You tried not to grimace at the mention of Hunter. Your eyes were still red, but a wide rimmed hat hid that fact from your neighbors.

"Is he still here?"

"No, he left about an hour ago, said something about meeting an Omega."

Ah, so that was her name. You dped the hot water into your drain, not caring that it splashed everywhere.

"Everything alright?" Pilate asked.

"Peachy."

When you refused to elaborate, Pilate stopped pushing. It was lunch hour, so you soon had a line of customers stretching out around the Archium. You plastered on your customer service face and thanked all of them for their patronage, despite the anger that you held in your chest. It was shockingly easy to pretend you were perfectly fine when you had so many emotions bubbling beneath the surface.

For starting your day late, you were making a pretty decent profit. After the first couple of hours, business slowed down, but it would be just as busy during the dinner hour, and you had a few regulars that would pop in for an afternoon snack from time to time.

Lyanna Hazard was one such regular. She skipped up to your stall hand-in-hand with a new friend you hadn't met before.

"Hello girls! How can I help you today?" you asked.

"Four shrimp dumplings, please!" Lyanna placed her pocket money on the counter.

"Coming right up!" You ladled the dumplings from fry pit into two bowls, and set them in front of the girls. As you reached for the chopsticks so that they could eat, Lyanna's friend grabbed one with her bare hand

"It's hot!" she yelped, tossing the dumpling from one hand to the other in surprise.

Lyanna giggled, "That's why you use chopsticks, silly!"

Lyanna demonstrated, and her friend watched her, fascinated. With the dumpling balanced precariously on her chopsticks, she tentativelytook a tiny bite.

"Mmm!" she declared. She ravenously finished her dumplings while you laughed, rolling out pasta dough to make more dumplings.

"It's always a pleasure to see someone enjoy my food," You told her.

"It's amazing! My brother told me you were a good cook, but this is even better than I could've imagined!" she said.

"Oh really, who's your brother?"

She opened her mouth to answer, but the universe answered for her.

"Omega!"

You couldn't help the glare that involuntarily tugged on your face when you heard his voice. You spotted the offender halfway across the Archium, looking around, but to your absolute horror, Lyanna's new friend began to wave him over.

"Over here, Hunter!" She called, one hand cupped around her mouth.

You saw his shoulders relax for a moment, and then tense up again. It was the same spooked, father-in-headlights look that he gave you last night when you kicked him out. You wanted to shrivel up and die.

Lyanna and Omega missed this completely, however, and kept waving at Hunter. He looked like he'd rather be anywhere but here, but he begrudgingly trudged across the marketplace to your stall.

"Heya kids," He said, not quite looking at you.

"Hunter, you gotta try the dumplings!" Omega said, showing him her empty bowl.

"I have," Hunter said. It was part of the meal you'd made for him the night before. You thought you saw him glance at you, but you couldn't be sure. You were determined to stay angry at him, but those gorgeous brown eyes of his were going to be the death of you.

"Well, I'll see you all around then."

You turned your back on them, going back to the filling for the dumplings. You heard Lyanna talking excitedly to Omega about a few more stalls where they could get more food, and when you heard their voices fade away you assumed that all three of them had left.

There were a few moments of blessed silence, but Hunter cleared his throat, and you jumped in surprise.

"I need to talk to you."

You glared at him.

"I have nothing to say to you." you snapped.

"Then don't say anything but just listen-"

"You're a glutton for punishment, aren't-"

"I don't have another partner!" He said quickly.

You blinked, surprised.

"Omega's my little sister. She's my girl. She's who I had to get back to that night." to prove it, he pulled up his comm, sliding it across the table towards you.

You stared at him, suspicious. But you looked at the screen anyway.

Omega: Hunter, when is your date done?

Hunter: we're finishing a movie, kid.

Omega: I can't fall asleep. And Wrecker doesn't sing the Purrgill song as good as you do :(

Hunter: I told you I'd be gone tonight. I'll come say goodnight when I get back.

Omega: :(

You sighed. Omega was very sweet, and you couldn't imagine trying to say no to her on a daily basis.

"I am... So sorry..." You couldn't look at him, sliding his comm back across the countertop.

Hunter said nothing, but placed a hand over yours, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. That should've been one of the first things I told you.

He sighed, "I guess... I'm just not used to sharing everything, especially with new people."

"You're not obligated to share everything with me, you have a right to your privacy."

"I've been a soldier my entire life, and now, I'm trying to figure out how to be anything but. I was talking with Phee and she gave me an earful about how if I'm trying to date or get close to someone, I gotta make my priorities clear."

Hunter looked over his shoulder at Omega. She and Lyanna were at Pilate's stall now, trying to see how many scoops of flavored ice they could stack in one bowl.

"Omega's a good kid, but she hasn't had much of an opportunity to be one. My brothers and I aren't exactly model parents, but we're trying our best to give her the life she deserves."

You nodded, "That's admirable of you."

If you felt humiliated last night, it was nothing compared to the embarrassment you felt now. You'd insulted Hunter when all he was trying to do was take care of his little sister, which, if you thought about it, made him even more attractive than the tattoo and the eyes already did.

"All this to say, your reaction is completely justified with the information you had, and if you're willing, I'd like to try again."

He held out a hand to you, "Let me take you out on a proper date, to make up for all this."

You felt heat rising in your cheeks, "I should be asking how I can make this up for you," You insisted.

"Nonsense, you cooked and cleaned and everything and I tried to cut it short. Let me sweep you off your feet."

You raised one eyebrow. That sounded almost nothing like what he'd usually say.

He winced, "Yeah, I realized it the moment I said it. Phee told me that's what I should do, though I have no idea how to."

You giggled, "That's okay, I'd like that, though."

Hunter's eyes went wide, and you could almost melt into the cobblestones. "That's a yes? You're saying yes?"

"Yes," You giggled some more, and stepped out of your stall to speak face to face.

"I'd love to be swept off my feet by you, so long as it means you forgive me for being a poodoo-head."

"You are not a poodoo-head." Hunter said, placing his hand on your cheek, "You're a brilliant person, and I'd like to get to know you much better than I do now."

You flushed, from his words or his touch, you weren't sure, but you didn't entirely mind it.

You coughed to clear your throat. "So, Mr. Hunter, when should I plan on you picking me up?"

Hunter glanced at your stall, and back to you, "How soon can you close up shop?"

You grinned. You might have gotten a late start, but he didn't need to know that. He could make up for it in his own way.

"For you, Hunter? Right away."

[mika-no-sekai-blog]

Wingspan

Word count: 4.4k

Warnings: Minors denied. Don't want me to write the list of all shameful things I wrote under the cut

Because I've spent whole week with sick 2 years old child, managed to get sick as well and I'm deprived of Azriel because last two months I'm writing only Heal me and as soon as he appeared on scene, this invaded my mind.. Honestly too many reasons to write something silly ⁄⁠(⁠⁄⁠ ⁠⁄⁠•⁠⁄⁠-⁠⁄⁠•⁠⁄⁠ ⁠⁄⁠)⁠⁄

"Okay, guys. You know why we are here," I started. "At first I'd like to thank you that you voluntarily signed up as subjects for this research."

"We compare our pricks whole life. It's our pleasure that somebody finally took it seriously and wants to write a whole book about it," Cassian teased, laughing hard.

Rhysand was trying really hard to keep a straight face the whole time, but after Cassian's comment he was about to lose it, and Azriel standing in the dark corner rather disappeared in his shadows after this comment.

How did I even get into this situation? Well, I knew how. It all happened because I was a passionate researcher. Too passionate for my own good.

It all started with mated Archeron sisters and Mor who wouldn't stop debating about this thing of a correlation of wingspan with the size of Illyrian male's private parts. It picked up my interest and I searched the entire library to find out more info about it. Utterly failing in the process, there wasn't a single mention. There wasn't even a proper documentation of their wings alone. So I took it upon myself to collect necessary data to confirm or deny truth of this rumour. I briefly mentioned it to Rhys hoping he could help me find enough subjects for the research. Which he did in surprisingly short time. And as if it wasn't enough he and his brothers signed up, too.

"That part I will leave to you. I hope I can count on you to deliver accurate numbers. If you try to cheat I'll have your mates to do it properly," I laughed, but I meant every single word.

"I'm sure Nes would be all for it," Cassian grinned proudly.

"As if Feyre wouldn't," Rhysand lost it. I had to laugh. I was afraid it would turn into something awkward, but with these two it was impossible. They were like kids, turning everything into a funny game.

I met Rhysand under the mountain. He witnessed the moment my ex betrayed me and when Feyre saved us all, he picked up my remains and brought me to Velaris to heal. In the end I decided to stay here. I buried love, lust and everything related to it as deep as possible and focussed on what I liked - research - occasionally helping inner circle.

"At least they certainly won't cheat," I smiled. "This research origins in their concern after all."

The three of us laughed so hard we cried. Only Azriel stayed silent hidden in his corner.

"And who will make sure Azriel doesn't cheat?" Cassian wondered.

"Why should I," Azriel stepped out from his hideaway, lowering a challenging gaze at me.

"I believe Azriel is the last one of three of you to use such dirty tricks to manipulate the results," I said, returning his gaze. "But if he does, I'll personally make sure he delivers true data."

His hazel eyes lit up with mischief and corners of his full lips slightly moved upward in a hardly there smirk. He wasn't so different from his brothers. More serious than these two? Certainly, but he could be playful, too.

"Okay, guys, let's get it done. Who is the first to show off the wingspan?"

This was the part I'd been looking forward the most. Illyrian wings, the most important subject of my research and to be honest, the main reason of this fuss. So sacred that sometimes even their lovers weren't allowed to touch them. Not that I could touch them by any mean. Boys only granted me to take measurements and a close look to make detailed sketches. Totally understandable given how sensitive they were.

All three of them took turns one in a time, helping me when my arms were too short. I took measurements of different parts of their bodies, too, just to be sure I have all I could possibly need to get accurate results. I wrote down numbers into my notebook, already amazed by the results.

"That's all for today. Thank you for your time. When can I expect the other data?"

"You can get them even right now, if you want, but I guess you don't want to see it, do you?" Cassian, always such a tease. I shook my head laughing.

"Would tomorrow morning be a soon enough for you?" Rhysand purred, flashing a smile. "Tonight we're going to have a lot of fun with Feyre."

"It would be perfect," I agreed. The sooner I was done here, the sooner I could go to camps to collect data from volunteers Rhysand had found for me.

Cassian and Rhysand left soon after, but ever-silent Azriel stayed behind.

He seemed to be so flustered and nervous while I was taking his measurements. Cassian was picking on him for that, but Azriel stoically ignored him and held still. It seemed he didn't even breathe. I knew he didn't like to be touched. It was the biggest of the surprises that he voluntarily signed up for this, so I was extra careful with him.

Ever since I met him, he was always very kind and considerate to me. However it took some time until he opened up. It's just few months since we started to hang out more. Not that I wouldn't like him. If I were honest, I would admit that he was very interesting person, I liked him a lot and he was so incredibly handsome. Too handsome to be real.

But that's exactly the way I wasn't suppose to think about him. I'm the type who falls easily and hard, and loves with all her being. That's why I was so devastated last time. Nobody could possibly love somebody like me. I'm unbearable in many ways.

Plus he is too high league for somebody like me. He can have anybody he wants and the line of prospects is long. Elain and Gwyn for example compete for his attention for years. Successfully. There's no way he would think of me that way. I shook my head to get rid of these self harming thoughts.

Turning I smiled at him encouragingly. Azriel cleared his throat, wings rustled behind his back. He did this often when he was nervous or uncomfortable.

"The camps.. are you planning to go there alone?" His deep voice always did this strange thing with my insides. And today was no different. I pushed the feeling aside, to the box of things I shouldn't think about and shut it closed.

"No, I believe last time Rhysand mentioned something about sending an escort. Mor is going with me, too."

"Okay," he nodded. His one word responses the were death of me. It was so hard to keep conversation going.

"Uhm.. So tomorrow? You don't have to hurry if it's inconvenient for you."

"Tomorrow is fine."

"Oh.. So.. uhm.. I'll see you tomorrow." Shadowsinger just nodded looking down at me a little longer than necessary and then finally he turned and left. I let out a long breath.

Next day Rhys came as the first one as soon as I entered my office. I guess he couldn't wait. Cassian stopped by as soon as the training with priestesses was over. I checked their results with their mates during the lunch break just to be sure the numbers are correct.

It was almost evening and Azriel was nowhere to be seen. I packed some of the stuff I needed to take to camps and took a look around. There was nothing else to keep me occupied, so I decided it's time to go home. I was about to open the door when a knock sounded. It was Azriel.

"You came," I greeted him with smile.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner. I was-"

"It's okay," I interrupted him. "You really don't need to apologise. I'm grateful you signed up for this."

He made a small noise and handed me a piece of folded paper. I took it and returned to my desk where I left the notebook with all data.

"Were you going to go home already?" he asked while I unfolded the paper.

"Yeah, you came just in time. One minute later and I would be gone." I looked at the number and froze. No way, this was certainly wrong. I compared it to the other numbers. Definitely wrong.

"Something's wrong?" he stepped closer, peeking down on me.

"What?" I was so immersed in my thoughts I didn't hear him. "Excuse me," I said boldly and reached for his crotch. Just to make things clear, I wasn't completely myself, otherwise I wouldn't dare to even think about doing so. In that very moment I was simply researcher and nothing else.

Azriel sharply inhaled, eyes widened, but he held still, blushing heavily.

"As I thought," I mumbled to myself releasing him. "Sweetheart, you were supposed to measure yourself when you are.. You know.. 'excited'. I really didn't think you would try to sabotage the research," I tried to joke to lighten his embarrassment. "With your .. equipment.. there's no reason for you to lose. I thought you are quite competitive."

He just silently looked to the side while the shadows danced around him as if trying to hide him.

"Or did you want me to help you with it?" I smiled teasingly. His head snapped up, hazel eyes finding mine. "Sit down there," I pointed to an armchair near the window. While he did as I asked him, I took a chair, placing it next to the armchair, facing the other side. I took the notebook, a towel and a tape measure I used the other day, and sat down on the chair.

I looked at him amused. From this angle I could see only his face and shoulders. "Go ahead. I won't look." With that I opened the notebook looking for the page, but he hadn't moved gazing up at me.

I smiled still leafing through pages. "Let me tell you a secret, okay? We have something in common, Az." I leaned closer to him as if it was really a secret I was about to reveal. "When I say I won't look, then I really won't do it." I looked straight into his eyes to make it clear that I meant it. "I can even measure you without seeing it. I don't need to touch you either. All I need is for this measure to touch you. That's all. So take your pants off and let me know when you are ready."

At this moment he was panting heavily, his pupils dilated. "Do you want me to chit chat you through it? Or do you prefer silence?" I added, arching a brow at him when he just sat there gazing. Finally he moved and I heard as his pants slid down. Azriel's gaze darkened, his eyes never leaving mine.

He swallowed, his broad chest heaving. "I'm ready" he rasped, his usually deep voice deepened even more. I'd be lying if I said it didn't effect me. Now it was my turn to blush.

I handed him the towel. "Cover yourself." I stood up slowly to give him enough time. I turned to him placing notebook on a small side table within arm's reach. I gasped when I looked down at him. My heart went crazy, running for marathon and I could only wish he didn't hear it.

Azriel sat in the armchair in full grace as if it was his throne, his bare legs with muscles on right places spread wide, towel crumpled in his fist. He grinned challengingly.

Okay, maybe we have more than one thing in common. I hate losing, too.

My mouth went dry and I was panting as heavily as Azriel. My head emptied. It took me every ounce of self-control to step between his legs, control my trembling hands and measure him. But I did it, I didn't break.

"Much better," I said coolly as I wrote results down. I collected my things, ready to leave.

"You want to leave me like this, Y/N?" Azriel growled lowly.

I made the mistake and looked into his beautiful eyes. I wasn't sure what I'd seen in them, but it dug out all forgotten feelings. As wave of lust washed over me I lost control over myself. I sat down on the armrest, my legs brushing his thigh lightly. I placed hands on his shoulders and leaned in.

"You are right. I should repay you," I whispered inches from him.

For a while Azriel watched me as a starved man. Slowly, very slowly he erased the distance between us, his soft lips colliding with mine. The moan that came out from his throat made me forget whatever happened after that.

When his fingers found a waistband of my pants and started unbuttoning them, it was like a cold shower. I broke the kiss, untangling my fingers from his silky dark strands. Eyes still closed, his lips followed after me. I squeezed his fingers in my hands and he looked up at me. I could see he wasn't pleased that I stopped him, but he didn't try to pressure me.

"This part of me is not on offer," I said calmly sending him a sad smile. There wasn't reason to be mad. It was my fault in the first place, I was the one to provoke him. "For you it might be just another one night stay that you forget all about very next morning, but I'm different." I stood up fixing my clothes. "I take male to bed only when I have feelings for him and vice versa." He frowned, ready to say something. "I'm trying to say.. for me it isn't just sex.. To do it, I need real relationship, real feelings, security.. Lust isn't enough. I'm sorry." I left quickly and he didn't try to stop me this time.

Next day early in the morning I left to collect data at camps. Work helped me to forget about that night, but as soon as I stopped, it all returned. The most scary thing was to return back to Velaris and meet him. So I extended my stay as much as possible.

Four months later I was sitting in a sitting room of River House, chatting with Feyre and Mor by the fireplace after the family dinner. I collected all data to get some presentable results and currently I was half through writing in down. (Just between us, the rumors have proven to be true. Larger wingspan equals bigger you-know-what)

It was few weeks since I returned to Velaris and so far Azriel was avoiding me as much as possible. When we happened to be in the same room, he didn't even acknowledge me, looking the other side. So much for my fear.

Did it hurt? As hell. He was my friend. The feelings he awakened that night also didn't disappear over night, haunting me down every spare minute I had. I pushed them deep down, but it was too late. I'd already fallen for him.

During our stay at camps, Mor found out that something must have happened before we left, but she'd never asked about it. Which I was very grateful for. I wasn't ready to talk about it.

Now she kept peeking somewhere behind me, biting on her lower lip, unusually silent. Something was obviously bothering her. I could ask her straight away, but I decided to give her 5 minutes to see if she would start to talk on her own. It took exactly 3 minutes.

"Uhm, Y/N, tell me. Something happened between you and Az?"

"I may have hurt his male ego. Why?" I replied as casually as possible.

"He keeps eyeing you and I know that look too well. He watched me like that for five centuries, but it's never turned into something so... Desperate?" She turned to Feyre. "What do you think?"

Feyre inconspicuously peeked behind me, too. "Yeah, definitely desperate. And sad. Rhys said that lately he isn't himself. As if something was wrong with him? Maybe bothered him? But he won't talk about it."

Mor nodded. I had the urge to turn around and see for myself, but I resisted.

"What happened?" Mor asked and Feyre leaned closer, eager for details.

"Well, he kind of misunderstood the situation.. and I told him.. that I don't do the one night stay thing.."

"He actually went after you?" Mor beamed lowering her voice.

"Not really. I might have provoked him a bit," I reluctantly admitted.

They giggled like small girls, looking at each other.

"Y/N, believe me when I tell you that you can't provoke him," Mor whispered enthusiastically. "Nobody is able to break him. He is like.. granite."

"There must be something more behind it," Feyre added. "You should go and talk to him."

"You should," Mor agreed. "He looks to be on the verge of total breakdown." She again peeked behind me. "Go. Right. Now."

They both gave me nod, stood up and moved to another chat group. I stayed alone, just like Azriel who sat in an alcove with window behind me. I inhaled deeply, slowly breathing out. I could at least give it a try. Standing up I took my glass and walked to him.

"Hey."

"Hey," he answered lowly. I hardly heard him. His face was as unreadable as usually, but his impossibly beautiful hazel eyes.. Yeah, they were right. He looked to be on verge of breakdown. Even his posture was all wrong. Slumped shoulders, hunched over, wings hanging down. The shadows hoovered around him like embodiment of his current mood.

"Everything alright?"

He nodded looking away. Ouch. He didn't want to talk with me. I probably hurt his ego more than I thought. I was lost for words. Did he expect me to apologise? I certainly wouldn't do that. I had every right to stop him back then.

Oh, male and their ego. Suddenly memories of my ex flooded my mind. And I got mad. Rage was the only emotion that never disappeared completely nor healed.

I turned around, ready to leave before I could take it out on the wrong person. Strong fingers wrapped around my arm, stopping me. They held me gently, but firmly. I looked back at Azriel and all the rage was gone instantly.

"Would you mind to it down with me?"

I couldn't speak, still shocked by the pain in his eyes. Just when I was seated in the alcove, he released me and sat back down, too. Silence stretched between us.

"I meant to say this much sooner," he started slowly. "I'm so sorry for my poor behaviour. I'm so ashamed." My fingers curled into fist, but I didn't dare to interrupt him. "I know you were just joking to make me feel better, to relax. I knew it even back then. I wish I could explain why I did it, but I can't. I was.. dick."

And how big dick. I had to bite down on my lip to stop myself. This was serious situation. But in all seriousness, he broke the records. Nobody had bigger than him.

"I should have covered with towel as you asked me. I shouldn't have stopped you. I shouldn't have kissed you," he whispered the last sentence. "I should even be sorry that I kissed you, but I am not. I wanted it. Really wanted. Still want it. I'm trash." He stood up quickly. I managed to pull him back down before he could run away. My pulse skyrocketed.

Waitwaitwait. Had he just said that he still wanted to kiss me? My rational part demanded answers. I had to solve this question before my reckless heart could come to own conclusion. I didn't need another heartbreak.

I looked deep into his eyes. I looked only for truth and nothing else. "Tell me, Az, why? Why do you still want it?"

He blushed fiercely and tried to look away, but I wouldn't let him. "Please."

"I..love you," he whispered and my heart stopped for second only to start racing at a crazy pace later.

I wasn't sure he really said that. That must be just my imagination, right? I gazed at beautiful, elegant Elain with big doe eyes sitting on the other side of room, laughing with her sisters. Yeah, I imagined it. But when my eyes slid back to him, he was gazing right back, tensed, waiting.

"I'm sorry. I think I misheard," I smiled nervously.

"I said.. I love you," Azriel repeated quietly, but clearly.

A single tear rolled down my cheek. I didn't think. I couldn't. I just surged forward and hugged him. He stiffened for a heartbeat and then his strong arms wrapped around me and held me firmly. Another tear followed the first one and then another, until it turned into an endless stream. I felt a cool touch of his shadows. They hid us from prying eyes. Or so I thought.

World tilted to the side and we were in my office where it all had started.

"More private," Azriel whispered when I released him to take a look around, confused.

I quickly wiped tears away. "Oh." I still wasn't ready to talk. My head was a total mess. Love. Azriel just told me he loved me. And he was still waiting for my answer. But I wasn't currently able to put the words together to make even a simple sentence.

"Do you need water?" he offered, helping me to sit to an armchair, the very same armchair where he.. Nope, I couldn't think about it now. It would be too much.

What was the question? Ah, water.. Did I need it? I nodded anyway and he handed me a glass. I emptied it immediately.

Azriel watched me carefully as if I could explode any second. I was trying to find something to ground me and my eyes fell to the notebook. "Wingspan," I blurted. His brows furrowed. "You have the largest wingspan."

He huffed in amusement. "Do I?" Azriel took a step back, his eyes were sad again.

Maybe I was crazy, but I reached out and pulled him down on me. "I believe I still haven't repaid for your help."

He shook his head. " You don't have to-"

"I want." I cupped his cheeks between my hands. He hesitated searching my face, his body tensed above me.

Azriel slowly leaned down and kissed me. It was nothing like the last kiss driven by lust and desire. This kiss was careful, exploring. I pushed against his shoulder and we exchanged our positions.

Just like the last time, Azriel was sitting in the armchair and I was above him. I made sure there was space between us. I didn't want to provoke him, sex was out of the question yet. He knew it, too, and kept his hands on my waist.

I deepened the kiss and soon enough we both turned into a panting mess. Azriel's moan startled me.

"I'm sorry," he rasped.

I giggled. "You moaned back then, too."

"I can't help it," he smiled. Azriel leaned forward, keeping small space between us. He hid his face in the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply again and again. "Touch them."

I swallowed. "What?"

"You can touch them," he spread his wings wide around us. "I've never allowed anybody to touch them. But now I want you to do so."

I was speechless second time today. Sacred Illyrian wings and he asked me to touch them. This was Illyrian way to say he trusted me. He trusted me even with his life.

I ran my fingers through his soft hair. "You know that.. there will be no sex today nor any time soon.." I hoped it came out as a joke. Truthful, but still joke.

He laughed breathlessly. "I know. That doesn't change the fact I want you to touch them. You said you want to repay me. So please.." He kissed the sensitive spot under my ear.

He got me there. If he only knew what he had called upon himself. I wanted to touch them, badly, but not only because they were his. I wanted it because I was the damn researcher which equals to a monster at times. I longed to feel the texture of the skin, to feel every single bone and muscle in them, everything.

"Are you really sure about this?" My attention was already trained on the beautiful enormous wings around me. This was his last chance to back out of this.

"Absolutely. So put those damn little hands of yours on them already," he rasped, landing another kiss to that sensitive spot.

He didn't need to repeat it again.

I gasped as tips of my fingers traced the soft skin around the bone. It. Was. Perfect. I expected them to be cold and rough to touch. Even though I touched him just lightly, I could feel every single muscle, even the smallest ones. The bone seemed to be so fragile and strong at the same time. Skin was so warm, stretchy and impossibly soft like baby's skin. I mapped every vein running through the membranes, his pulse drumming under my hands. I traced every scarred tissue I found, paying it extra attention.

I was so immersed into exploring his wings that I hadn't noticed what my curiosity did to Azriel until he came under me with a wall shattering roar. I winced, looking down at him.

His head was tilted back, eyes closed tightly. He was trembling and panting, his broad chest heaving heavily. Streams of sweat were running down the column of his exposed neck. His hands were fisting the material of armrests so tightly he almost torn it into shreds.

I couldn't believe I'd missed something so..amazing. Azriel was a piece of art in every possible meaning. My fingers traced the vein that bobbed out on his neck. He shuddered, his eyes slowly opened, looking up at me. Shadowsinger smiled weakly. "Only you can do this to me," his voice was hoarse.

I brushed away a damp strand of hair that fell to his forehead. My heart was beating wildly as I leaned in and kissed him slowly and deeply. His hands embraced me, pulling me closer.

"I love you," I whispered to his mouth.

I wasn't scared anymore. In this very moment I was more confident than ever that I would spend the rest of my life with this perfect male. Because he was mine and I was his.

[archangeldyke-all]

could you please write vika with a reader who has a hard time gaining weight but needs to? maybe just taking care of them, scolding them, reassuring them, etc. it'd be really helpful.

(tw: ed, you don't need to include this) i've been doing my best to recover from being heavily underweight but it's frustrating because of the mindset and my body working against me, it makes me feel so desperate, so anything helps! feel absolutely free to ignore this if you feel uncomfortable please, i won't mind 🫶🏻

of course!!

men and minors dni

when your doctors give sevika the go-ahead to start tracking your food and making sure you eat enough every day, she's thrilled.

your entire relationship, sevika's always wanted you to eat more. you're underweight, unhealthily so. she tried her best to get you to eat-- insisting you buy your favorites on date night in an attempt to get you to eat the whole plate, carrying snacks in her pockets to hand to you every hour or so-- but you'd usually just refuse her.

now though-- sevika's grinning evilly as she walks you back to the car from your doctor's office.

"what're you smiling about?" you ask, worried. sevika's usually so upset after your doctor's appointments-- worried about you.

sevika cackles. "your doctor just gave me the green light to give you the fuckin' royalty treatment babe." she says, grinning. you groan, and sevika starts to chuckle. "i'm talkin' breakfast in bed, every morning."

you snort, and sevika grins. "you think i'm joking-- but i'm not! you can't say no to treats anymore-- i'm gonna fuckin' spoil you!"

you just laugh, not knowing what you've gotten yourself into.

the next morning you're awaken to sevika entering the room with a full american breakfast. pancakes, hashbrowns, eggs and fruit-- it was all there. you cackle.

"there's no way i can eat all of that!"

sevika giggles and shrugs, climbing into bed next to you. "that's what i'm here for." she says.

and... surprisingly... you manage to eat a lot more food with sevika by your side, rubbing your back and hand-feeding you each bite, between her own bites.

and while the fanciness of your breakfasts vary-- it becomes a daily tradition in your house to eat breakfast in bed together.

(of course, sevika always complains when climbing in bed at night about the toast and cereal crumbs left behind in the sheets-- but that never stops her from bringing you a meal each morning.)

once she establishes one good, hearty meal in your day to day life, she takes it a step farther.

she learns to bake for you.

it's a lot of trial and error, but after a few burnt pastries, and one embarrassing call to the fire department, she managed to figure out the perfect cookies.

and every night before bed, sevika sits down beside you with a big glass of milk, and you guys snack on cookies before bed.

each week, she'll make a new batch. she loves to experiment with flavors, trying to find one that you'll love even more than last time. her favorite is snickerdoodle-- but she doesn't bake for herself. she bakes for you.

she starts offering you snacks more and more often.

sometimes, you take them without complaint.

but, sometimes everything catches up to you, and eating seems like the scariest thing in the world.

sevika sits with you, holding you the entire time as you cry and breathe through your anxiety, slowly stroking your back and kissing your head.

and then, whether it's ten minutes or two hours later-- sevika will sit beside you, kissing your head through each bite of your snack, praising you and thanking you for taking care of yourself.

"i want you around forever, baby. thank you for makin' it more likely." she whispers.

when you return to the doctor's one month later for a check-in-- sevika cries tears of joy when you step on the scale and have gained a dozen pounds or so.

she lets out a sweet sob of relief, right before she wraps her arms around your waist and spins you in a circle in the middle of the doctor's office. you squeal, and a bunch of nurses give you dirty looks, but this does nothing to keep sevika from pressing endless kisses on your head and face.

"oh, i'm so fuckin' proud of you, love." she whispers through her tears.

you get the same reaction in subsequent months, as your weight steadily, healthily climbs.

taglist!

@fyeahnix @lavendersgirl @half-of-a-gay @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner

@shimtarofstupidity @chuucanchuucan @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther

@ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @emiliabby @sevikasbeloved @hellorai

@glass-apothecary @macaroni676 @artinvain @realgreeniebeanie @k3n-dyll

@sevsdollette @ellieslob @xayn-xd @keikuahh @maneskinwh0re

@raphaellearp @iamastar @sevikitty @claude999

[notsoattractivearenti]

1+1 = 4 (Mason Mount x Fem!Reader)

WC: 3.0K

Warnings: mention of c-section, post-surgery recovery

A/N: i haven’t written anything since last month and i’ve missed writing so here it is... dad!Mason for me and y'all my loves 🥰🫶🏻 apologies if this isn’t so good lol tbh i wrote this for my own comfort cuz it's been an extremely rough few weeks so i kinda needed this and i’m a huge sucker for my faves as attentive partner and dad fics! not to mention this is officially the longest fic I've written + posted here! hope you guys enjoy and i’d love to hear your thoughts thru ask/reply/reblog 💗 apologies for any grammatical errors! feedbacks are highly appreciated 🤍

—

You just woke up from a short nap after your C-section. Your baby was not supposed to be born for another month, but when your doctor saw the umbilical cord was wrapped around their neck during ultrasound, they told you and Mason that an emergency C-section had to be done the next day before your baby moved to the birth position. You recalled the day it happened.

—

You were really scared and nervous even though you have given birth before – but your first pregnancy and labor went smoothly so you didn’t exactly anticipate this. Plus, you had never gone through any major surgery your whole life ­– you just were not ready at all. You wanted another vaginal delivery but since the circumstances changed, you didn’t have a choice and all you cared about was your little one coming into the world safe and sound.

Mason was scared too, but he tried to conceal it from you. He just knew he had to be by your side all the time, as you were about to go through another life-changing moment but not as you planned. He was worried about the baby but even more about you ­– he felt so helpless because he basically couldn’t do anything but be there for you. If he could, he would make himself be the one who bears the pain instead of you.

On the way home after the checkup, you sat in the passenger seat and just silently stared at the road with your hand resting on top of your belly – subconsciously rubbing it sometimes – while thinking about the sudden news. Mason noticed how quiet you were, and as he drove he grabbed your hand to hold it tight.

“My dear, everything will be okay,” he said softly, “little peanut will be just fine. So will you.”

You sighed. “Maybe you’re right, but Mase...” Your voice was shaky, “I’m terrified. I really am...”

He took his eyes off the road for a second to glance at you, then kissed your hand and rubbed it with his thumbs repeatedly.

“I know, Y/N. But you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known and you’re going to get through this like the badass you are.” He assured you.

“And I will be with you the entire time and take care of you. I promise.” He added.

You smiled a little, still nervous but way less than before. You knew he was also worried yet he still gave you the comfort you needed. That is one of the things about Mason that made you fall in love with him in the first place.

“Also, picture how excited Gem will be when she finds out she’s going to meet her baby sibling soon!”

Before Mason even finished his sentence, the possible scenario was already playing in your head. You looked back to the time you and Mason broke the news to Gemma, your 4 year-old daughter – she screamed then cried out of happiness. She has been so excited to have a little sister or brother since and kept asking when will the baby be born. You could clearly imagine how she would react this time.

“Oh God,” you put your hand on your forehead and jokingly groaned, “she’s going to scream her ass off again isn’t she?”

He shook his head playfully and laughed. “Well that’s my daughter alright!”

—

During the surgery, Mason was sitting next to you the whole time, not wanting to let go of your hand. You were fully conscious since you had regional anesthesia, and to distract yourself from your anxious thoughts you and Mason chatted about the most random things – and it helped calming you down.

You both decided not to find out about your baby’s sex just like when you were pregnant with Gemma. Of course you two were curious, but you wanted to surprise yourselves. A boy or a girl, it doesn't really matter because you will love the baby regardless of the sex.

Suddenly, you both heard the sound of your baby’s cry. The doctor lifted them up so you two could see and excitedly announced, “Congratulations, it’s a girl!”

You and Mason had your mouths wide open and looked at each other immediately once you knew you had another daughter. She came to join your little family sooner than expected, but she was healthy and all your worry was gone in an instant. Mason kissed your forehead and your lips, then whispered to your ears, “Thank you baby, I’m so proud of you.”

The nurse then brought the baby to you so you could see her up close. She put her next to your face, and you could feel tears of happiness streaming down your face – the presence of your newborn girl warmed your heart.

“Hi baby girl,” you tearfully greeted your daughter, “welcome to the world! Mommy loves you so much.”

Mason watched that moment and he was left speechless. He couldn’t stop smiling and crying as he couldn’t find the words to describe the overwhelming joy and immense love he felt at the moment. He was still processing the fact that he had another girl to love for the rest of his life. As he wiped his tears, he quietly whimpered in awe, “she’s so precious… My little peanut.”

—

As you woke up from your nap post surgery, you could feel the anesthesia started to wear off. You moaned and pressed your lips together over the pain you felt on the incision area. You couldn’t really get up because when you tried to move even a little bit, it would hurt so bad. You looked around the hospital room you were in and you saw Mason sitting on the sofa near the window while holding your newborn daughter.

He didn’t take his eyes off of her even for a second, you could tell he was so in love. This reminded you of the day when Gemma was just born – once he held her in his arms, his eyes were locked on her.

You couldn’t stop staring at him as you found this moment so heartwarming and adorable. He then took a quick look at you and when he saw you were awake, a wide smile appeared on his face.

“Oh look, Mommy’s awake,” he said as he got off the sofa to come over to you, “how are you feeling sweetheart?”

“Uh… pain...” You muttered. “But don’t worry, I’m okay.”

“Oh no… I’m sorry, Y/N.” He knitted his eyebrows, the tone of his voice showed how worried he really was. “Tell me what I can do to help ease it. I’ll do anything to make you feel better.”

You smiled as his hand was stroking your arm.

“Thank you love,” you said to Mason, “but let’s just wait for the nurse. With you two here with me right now I can handle this pain.”

“By the way… Can you stop hogging my baby and hand her over to her mom?” You jokingly asked him.

“Oops, sorry!” He laughed while gently putting her on your side.

—

Few hours later, the nurse suggested you get out of bed and try walking around for a bit. Even though you were still experiencing discomfort, you gladly took her suggestion as you didn’t like laying in the bed for too long. Mason, who wasn’t fond of the idea, expressed his concern to the nurse.

“Ma’am, are you sure it’s okay? The wound on my wife’s stomach is still fresh… Isn’t it too soon?”

“Sir, I get your concern and I can guarantee you it is necessary as it is a part of the recovery. Moving around after the surgery helps the recovery process. Don’t need to worry, we’ll check in on you every so often. If you need anything, you can call us by pushing the button next to the bed.” The nurse explained to both of you in a calm manner.

Mason sighed in relief and nodded.

“Thank you,” you said to the nurse, “this is my first time going through a C-section and my husband and I have been very anxious about it. Not to mention this was unplanned so we didn’t exactly come prepared.”

“Understandable. It is normal to feel nervous, Ma’am. We are happy to help.” The nurse acknowledged your worries.

As soon as the nurse left the room, you tried to get out of bed and grimaced while one of your hands was on your wound area. Mason was getting you a glass of water when he saw you – fright was written all over his face immediately.

“Baby!” He spontaneously yelled as he rushed over to your side and helped you. out.

“Ssshh, Mase, I’m alright,” you put your arm around his neck and tried to soothe him, “just want to get up, that's all.”

“Don’t be so stubborn!” He was shaking a little – he felt a genuine fear. “My God, Y/N, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Oh please, don’t be a drama queen,” you couldn’t help but make fun of his reaction. “I said I’m alright, hahaha!”

He playfully rolled his eyes in response. You laughed at him and suddenly felt stabbing pain on your wound.

“Ouch!” You shouted. “Man, I can't even laugh without feeling pain!”

“Well, I’m glad you were amused but I guess no more comedy for a while for you, Mrs. Mount.” he said as he stroked your back.

Mason gently supported your body and carefully assisted you on taking your first steps post surgery. You squeezed your eyes, ground your teeth and winced as you were still experiencing the sharp pain – especially when you moved. Mason’s heart ached seeing you struggling like this, he felt guilty even but he knew nothing else he could do but support you throughout the recovery.

“Don’t rush it, sweetheart. It hasn’t been 12 hours after the surgery,” he emphasized. “Just take one little step at the time when you’re ready, okay?”

—

“Baby, Gem is coming here with my parents!” He excitedly shouted from across the room.

Your eyes widened and a squeal left your mouth when you heard that Gemma was coming. As you were in the hospital, Mason’s parents were taking care of her. You have been looking forward to the moment when your girls finally met. She had been impatiently waiting to be able to hold her baby sibling – she even practiced with her doll all the time. 

At this point you could stand up, walk, and sit down. The incision still hurt and discomfort came and went all the time but the painkiller was working well and the bliss of having a newborn was able to distract your mind from the pain. Mason had been so attentive to you and always ready to help you. He thought you needed a day to rest, therefore with your permission he respectfully asked everyone – except your parents and siblings – not to pay a visit at the hospital and wait until you all settled at your home instead. 

“Where is Gem now? Is she close? Are they here already?” You eagerly asked.

“I don’t know,” he answered, “I’ll call my mum.”

And before he even pressed call, Debbie texted him to let him know they just arrived at the hospital. He was beaming when he saw the text, and passed the news to you.

“They’re here! I’ll go get them,” he said as he kissed your forehead and got out to pick them up.

Trying not to hurt yourself, you didn’t act too excited on the outside but you sure were within. Sitting down on your bed, you pulled the baby crib closer and carefully picked her up.

“Hey little angel,” you whispered softly into her tiny ear, “you’re about to meet your big sister. She’s been waiting for you… You’re going to love her as much as she loves you.”

She made a slight smile and you noticed that. You chuckled, you thought it was like she was also excited to meet Gemma. You gave little kisses all over her cute face, and as you did that you could feel how you were completely filled with great love and glee – one more girl has stolen your heart. 

Suddenly, you heard the door was opened, followed by a little giggle you love so much. Your heart was beating really fast – it was going to be one of the biggest moments in your life – you didn’t know if you could handle your emotions when it happened.

You saw Gemma walking in with one hand holding her dad’s and the other covering her mouth. She looked so eager to finally see her baby sibling – she didn’t know it was a girl beforehand – and you wanted to see how she reacted when she found out she had a sister. Behind them were Debbie and Tony, and Debbie had already started recording with Mason’s phone. Gemma then saw you and excitedly yelled, “Mommy!”

You giggled and waved at her in response. 

“Do you want to sit next to Mommy and baby peanut, Gem?” Mason gently asked her.

“Yes Daddy! I want to see my baby peanut now!” She responded impatiently.

Mason picked her up and sat her down next to you. When she saw her sister up close, she squealed and said “Wow, baby peanut is so small and cute!”

You introduced your firstborn to your newborn.

“Gemma, meet Iris…”

She gasped and looked at both you and Mason in disbelief.

“You have a sister, Gem!” Mason cheered.

Gemma was so happy to have a sister and she started to cry. You might have pictured this beautiful moment in your head before but what really happened was a lot better than you had imagined. It was quite overwhelming to see how emotional she was and you eventually cried as well. Mason was really touched, almost shed a tear when he saw how you and Gemma were crying. He immediately grabbed some tissues from his pocket – he was aware this was going to happen – to wipe the tears off his girls’ faces.

“Mommy… Can I hold Iris?” Gemma nervously asked, her big brown eyes were still watery but you could see the sparkles of joy in them.

“Of course, sweetie.”

You carefully handed Iris onto Gemma’s lap, teaching her how to support Iris’ little body. She was so gentle and cautious, uneasy at first as if she was afraid to hurt Iris. Mason tried to ease her since he got how nervous Gemma was – he kissed the top of her head over and over again while assuring her that she was doing fine holding her sister – and it worked out even though it took a while.

Finally feeling comfortable, Gemma gently let go of one of her hands and started caressing Iris’ cheeks. Her eyes were locked in just like his dad earlier, and you just knew she was so deeply in love with her little sister. 

“She’s so beautiful, isn’t she, Gem?” Mason was beaming in awe and Gemma nodded in agreement.

Both Gemma and Mason showered Iris with kisses. The immense amount of love Iris was getting made your heart soar. You looked at your husband and your girls and thought to yourself: how did I get so lucky?

Mason then gave you a quick but passionate kiss on your lips. He looked deeply into your eyes and expressed his gratitude and appreciation for you.

“Y/N, the way you had to bear the pain to bring me two amazing kids to our life is unbelievable. You are the most incredible woman and I can never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, for us… I’m so lucky to have you as my wife and the mother of our girls. I will always try to make you happy, feel loved and give you everything you need and deserve because you have given me the life I’ve always dreamed of…”

You had no words and were about to cry again. You pulled him closer and pressed your lips against his – it was a moment full of tenderness and sweet affection. As your lips parted, you two whispered “I love you” to one another.

Debbie – who was still recording – and Tony were also emotional although they were trying to keep themselves together because they thought they didn’t want to ruin the beautiful moment between your little family. You then asked the grandparents to come see the newest addition to the Mount family.

“Iris Mount… Such a beautiful name, Y/N!” Tony complimented.

“That’s perfect for her! Thank you, Y/N, for giving us wonderful grandkids!” Debbie chimed in and gave you a hug.

“Uh, Mum… I contributed too, you know. Why don’t I get a thank-you? ” Mason jokingly protested.

“Yes but you weren’t the one who carried them for months and gave birth, were you?” Debbie lightheartedly replied.

You chuckled at their banter – you held yourself back from laughing as usual because it would hurt you.

With his mother clearly winning the argument, Mason humorously backed out, pouted then stated his closing statement.

“That’s true. But Y/N and I do make the most beautiful babies.”

Debbie and Tony couldn’t help but laugh at his comeback.

—

Yes, he might not be the one who was pregnant and given birth, but he has always been an amazing and present father to Gemma. No matter how tight his schedule could be, he would always make time for her daughter. He might have missed a few milestones that happened unexpectedly but other than those he never wanted to miss out so much on his daughter’s life. When he was out of town for away games, he always asked for daily updates on Gemma and called you on Facetime in every chance he got.

Mason is an ultimate girl dad and takes great pride in it. He would dress up as princess wearing a tiara and Gemma’s little dress that barely fits him and have a tea party with her, buy a makeup set she asked for, and sometimes he would show up at training wearing a headband with the biggest bow on his head because Gemma put it on him before he left. He always said he loves being a girl dad and would do it all over again – now he really gets to do it all over again…

—

taglist: @pulisicsgirl @neverinadream @masonspulisic @swimmingismywholelife @chelseagirl98 @bracedes @lovelynikol16 @thoseboysinblue @lizzypotter14 @mortirolo @masonsrem

[asgardian--angels]

Talking on the phone with my mom I finally broke down and cried thoroughly about the cancellation. I think I'd been holding it in for the last two days, or two months. And honestly I've been wondering all along why this show means so much to me. I am not queer, I am not neurodivergent, I am not POC or disabled or any of the groups that this show has been so important for in terms of representation and being treated with respect and dignity. I understand and completely empathize with all of you, and fight for this show and your rights worldwide alongside you, but it still left me wondering why I myself have latched onto Our Flag Means Death. I suppose part of it is that despite being white and cishet and the privileges that have always come with that, I have been treated like an outsider and ostracized my entire childhood and teenage years, for being ugly and having "disgusting" interests (primarily liking insects, reptiles, other creepy-crawlies - aka the thing I literally do for my career now). I was bullied relentlessly from preschool through early college and became a very lonely introverted person - I still am. Undoubtedly Our Flag Means Death gave me renewed hope that I haven't missed some key window for finding love or relationships of any kind that matter, as I sit here typing this at age 28 having never dated anyone.

But it had to be more than that. And with everything that's happened the past couple of months, and the last few days, I think it finally clicked for me.

Followers of my blog may or may not know that I am a conservation biologist, or pollinator ecologist, whichever hat fits best on a given day, they're quite close. I don't make many original posts like this anymore on here because my job is so busy. Basically, I do a variety of things - academic research, habitat management & restoration, and public outreach - to try and preserve biodiversity and ecosystems on our planet. I'm just going to say it: it's a thankless job. Nothing we do ever feels like it's enough, and burnout is common in our field because we sit with the guilt of feeling like we are the only thing between survival and utter destruction of planet Earth, and work ourselves to exhaustion. It's one of those jobs where your work is your life, and your passion is your work, and it's inseparable from who you are on a molecular level. We are often faced, on a large scale, with hostility, from people that don't believe in science and are more than happy to pull a shotgun on us, or rich old men in power who are content to watch the world burn for another penny in their bank account. There are days when sometimes it sinks in just how bad things are, and it's terrifying, and I feel like we will never be able to do enough, to change enough, before it gets catastrophic. It's paralyzing.

My ability to do my job is dependent on hope. Unwavering, unrelenting hope. Hope beyond hope. We have to believe what we're doing matters, otherwise we'd fall down and never get back up again. I'm no big-shot, I give talks to a few hundred people at a time, and make urban pollinator habitat on a local scale. Is any of that going to make a difference compared to the ramifications of a single oil mogul deciding to cut corners and cause an oil spill that kills millions of seabirds and damages ocean food chains for decades to come? If people in my field let thoughts like that linger, we'd be paralyzed to inaction. I have to hope that the people I teach choose to do something good with that knowledge, and go on to inspire others, or that the patch of habitat I make allows a declining species to maintain a foothold instead of going locally extinct. You just have to keep going.

And Our Flag Means Death got wrapped up in that for me. The Stede Bonnet effect, if you will. He set out to do pirating differently, treating his crew with respect and helping them grow. In return, they internalized that mindset, and it spread to how they interacted with others. It changed the trajectory of individual lives, and also at least began to change how the society of pirates operated as a whole. It was a beacon of hope that choosing small acts of kindness did matter, even if you yourself could not see the ripples it made. It renewed my faith that love persevered and would win. That we could all make life a little better for each other and ourselves through kindness, compassion, forgiveness, and mutual support. I think a good chunk of that is from Taika - these are running themes in his projects, and his films move me deeply for that. This show became in some, perhaps subconscious way, a source of strength for me to keep putting myself out there in my line of work to do whatever I was capable of to help the cause.

The cancellation was devastating, but the second cancellation (turbohell cancelation?) was even more so. Because now it's so clear that this is largely the work of David Zaslav and the regime he's built. It's petty, it's greedy, and more than anything, it's cruel. Indifferently, indiscriminately cruel, when one person at the top can have such power to make or break the lives of thousands, millions, beneath them, and though it would have been barely a drop in the bucket, a hand wave, to renew our show or let it pass to another streamer, he actively chose to shackle it to this sinking Titanic of a company WBD has become. I have always operated on the belief that you can do anything if you work hard enough at it, and believed deep down that there was some order, some justice in the universe, atheist though I be. We as a fandom did everything we possibly could, we loved this show harder than anything. The numbers were there, the awards nominations were there, the critic praise was there, and we were loud and loyal every single day. I felt like we could do this - how could we not win when we've done so much, and the show deserves it so much? Surely cause and effect will prevail.

This fight seemed small, though really it wasn't; we fought for the right of artists and creators to make quality, original stories and have them told to their natural end, we fought for diversity representation to be more than a token character - OFMD raised the bar so much higher on all fronts, we fought to shed light on the chaos and impending collapse of this industry silencing art and exploiting writers, actors, and all manner of production workers. It was a small fight from the outside, one that I really felt we could win. And I put my heart and soul into it, because if we could win this, if we could save this simple, kind love story about two guys on a boat, then maybe there was hope for the bigger, badder stuff too. It shouldn't seem an insurmountable task for several thousand fans to convince a streaming service that they'd turn a tidy profit to give our show one more season.

Yet we lost - through no fault of our own. I am so proud of us. But that really struck deep for me. If one peabrained CEO of a media company wouldn't budge on greenlighting a show that was in his every best interest business-wise - perhaps enough to even save Max from going under in the not-too-distant future - my god, what hope was there for changing anything bigger? The 'real' problems of the world? When no amount of ethos, logos, or pathos can penetrate these men at the top, where's that hope to fight? Lately the world seems like it's just going belly up all over. If we gave everything we could, and it still wasn't enough - if it could never be enough - what hope is there? It's like chaining yourself to a tree and the bulldozer plowing right on ahead. And I think that broke something in me. It shook me to my foundations because it broke my rules of how things are supposed to work. We believed hard enough, we worked tirelessly, and we deserved it for how important this show was to so many people. And it didn't matter. Our best wasn't enough. And that caused an avalanche of all of the horrible, scary things piled on my shoulders - we're losing the Amazon rainforest too fast to save, climate change is going to turn the corn belt into a dustbowl by mid-century, a border wall is going to devastate imperiled wildlife in Texas, deforestation and hurricanes on songbird wintering grounds could lead to entire species extinctions, saltmarshes are our lifeline and they're shrinking and we're still building stupid concrete stormwalls, invasive diseases will completely alter the composition of our forests to be unrecognizable to our children, and if you don't make every slide of this powerpoint utterly perfect and you fail to convince every single person in attendance to get rid of their lawn then you've failed and the world is doomed.

I've struggled with being a perfectionist my whole life. This didn't help.

That's where I was a couple hours ago. But I took some deep breaths. I know the world isn't fair. But I really thought if we could win this one battle, then we could win the war.

But here's what I realized. Everything we did mattered. It mattered so much. Because there's the show, and then there's everything that was birthed out of that show. The community, so many of us around the world who have been uplifted by Our Flag Means Death in a real and lasting way that we will take with us and spread to affect those around us. The Stede Bonnet effect goes global. We raised thousands and thousands of dollars for charities around the world, real people whose lives have been improved, or maybe even saved, because of us and this silly pirate show. We brought a hell of a lot of attention to WBD and their shitty practices, keeping the momentum going in a way that I think is only going to build - and I sure hope it leads to Zaslav getting deposed. We have demanded more queer stories, more BIPOC stories, more disabled and autistic and middle-aged stories, stories with exquisite costumes and award-worthy wigs, dear lord, and we are being heard. We have expressed such love and support for the cast and crew, showing them that we appreciate their hard work and that we will be behind them in their future projects. So many of them have told us how the show and its fans have changed their lives. We convinced Rhys that his career isn't winding down but winding up, and to be unapologetic about his wonderful weirdness - we've proven to everyone through this show that your weirdness is what someone out there is going to love you for, not in spite of. We rallied to help writers and actors during the strikes in a way that was taken to heart and remembered. We have been out here talking it through as a crew, and turning poison into positivity, for over two years now, and that impact is permanent. They can cancel our show, they can try and slap copyright notices on our fan merch, and spew bullshit excuses about the numbers not being there. But Our Flag Means Death sparked a movement, the biggest pirate crew the world has ever seen, using our power for good.

We may not have any more new material for our show for a while, or ever. But I maintain hope that when the dust has settled and streaming has entered its 'new era' that they'll remember us and throw us a lifeline. Because hope is a part of my genetic makeup, and even in cancellation my hope has been renewed that the fight is worth fighting, that our individual choices of kindness are having an effect, and making the world a little easier to live in bit by bit. No one can take from us what we have built out of this show. And thanks to pirating, they can't take the actual show from us either. Despite this, no matter the outcome, I am so happy we got two seasons of this wonderful series. That was more than almost anyone expected. The story belongs to all of us, and it will always live on. We did not truly lose this battle, because in the process we gained more than we could have ever imagined. And I know there's still so much more to come. That gives me the strength to keep doing what I do, every day.

To me, Our Flag Means Hope.

[rmd-writes]

a love note (and some fics)

Sometimes I wonder if there's really anything bigger out there - the universe, some kind of higher power, fate - and then I think about how extremely lucky I am that I became obsessed with a certain tv show and its characters at just the right time so that I could befriend someone who then introduced me to a particular book at exactly the right time to fall in love with those characters as well. And then, because of my need to have more of those characters, I went looking for more stories about them at exactly the right time to meet a group of people (some of them together, some of them later, but that doesn't matter) who would go on to become my friends.

There must be something, right? To bring together a group of people who live in five to seven different time zones depending on the time of year. To create my safest spaces on the internet. To share not just our love for a book and its characters, but parts of our lives with each other. To have them all wedge themselves into the soft spaces of my heart and never leave.

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last two weeks, because those people conspired and collaborated to gift me a collection of 10 incredible fics for a milestone birthday (tomorrow!) - even though some of them haven't written fic for months and months, or don't write for this fandom at all anymore, or have recently been finding it hard to make words work and finish fics, or are just plain busy with other projects and life. That they took the time to find and make words for me means everything and more 💖💖

I've been absolutely overwhelmed with love these past 10 days (probably to the surprise of no one, I have cried at every single fic drop and I'm crying writing this now). So, I want to share the wonderful fics that they've written for me with you all because it's the least I can do to pay it forward and they're objectively stellar fics. If you haven't come across them already then you should definitely add them to your to read lists/open tabs/MFL. Please show my friends some love and read their work.

The Rae of Sunshine! collection, in order of publication (with my very short summaries):

Take It Back (4.2K) by @three-drink-amy

Henry is the head chef at a French restaurant and there's one patron who keeps sending his dishes back. How can they resolve this?

Dick, Dick Dick (You Down) (10.2K) by @everwitch-magiks

Alex runs the craft services trailer on the set of actor!Henry's latest movie. Is he the only person who sees behind the façade?

A deceptively soft story, given the title.

Precious Love (1.3K) by floatingaway4

The fluffiest follow up to one of my favourite AUs Amigos y Migas (aka the food truck au).

Midnight ice cream (5.8K) by @the-amber-fox

Emotional support Cornettos? More likely than you think.

Make it Right (5.3K) by @three-drink-amy (that's right, Ally wrote me TWO FICS)

A rogue little Tarlos fic in amongst the firstprince - a post-season 1 canon divergence that sees TK working in a taco truck while he finds his feet.

a taste of life (7.4K) by @indomitable-love

A journey through Henry's life, told through food. (This one is not my summary, indomitablelove already summed it up perfectly)

Risotto + Melanzane + Dolce (a love story) (16.8K) by @villiageidiot

Alex starts working at an Italian restaurant and is terrible at his job. Somehow, Henry doesn't seem to mind.

Cursed is a State of Mind (WIP) by @welcometololaland & @dustratcentral

A 5 + 1 treatise on cursed coffee consumption.

12 Year Starter (6.6K) by @clottedcreamfudge

When Pez can't make it to Henry's Michelin-star birthday dinner, he arranges for Henry's friend, Alex, to take his place. Featuring CCF's signature banter and fun, and a menu that I wish was real.

Pour Your He(art) Out (WIP) by @athousandrooms

A 5+1 ode to latte art (featuring actual art!)

You can find the entire collection here on Ao3.

[letsgetrowdy43]

Say yes to heaven ☆—

This takes place from Christmas 2020 to the spring of 2021

Warnings: heavy making out, swearing, lmk if anything else :)

The first part

Au Masterlist!!

It had been months since Honey and Quinn's summer of rendevous, the nights of secret-filled kisses and promises of a forever slowly withered away with time as the autumn months approached. On their last night together in Michigan the two of them sat down in her room at the lake house and talked about it all, from the break up to what they wanted after she was done school.

He'd asked her only one question that entire night "what do you want in your life?", it was simple really, but Honey was at a loss for words. How do you say 'the only thing I've ever wanted in my life is you' without sounding completely lost, like she needed to re-evaluate her entire being. But it was the truth, Quinn was really all she wanted, she had only ever pictured a life with him in it, where he was she would settle, it seemed so unworldy but it was something she'd decided long before everything got messy. Instead she settled for a quick "I dont know yet," leaving both of them disatified with the conversation.

The next morning regret of falling back into old habits hit Honey as she watched him pack up his bags and head to the airport, she missed him a lot more than she cared to let on, but this was how it was meant to be, longing for love on two different sides of the continent.

☆☆☆

Honey was asked to go with Team USA to the World Juniors to help with the media during her Christmas break, seeing as the pandemic had taken a hit on hockey at the time it was the only work she'd really been offered in a while so she took the opportunity.

Quinn on the other hand had been itching to see her, the moment he pulled into his driveway with Jack he expected to her be at his house along with her family waiting in their kitchen for family dinner as they usually did when they were finally altogether. He was gravely disappointed when he walked into his house to only see her parents and older brother on the couch, with no Honey in sight.

Honey's senior year had gonna by quicker than she'd anticipated, after Christmas it felt as if in the blink of an eye she was searching for a grad dress and searching for media jobs in the Michigan area. She also gave in to her curiosity and looked into jobs in the Vancouver area as well, pretending not to be upset as she job searched, fully knowing that there was and probably wouldn't ever be a set plan for her to move in with Quinn.

She and Quinn had yet to talk about if their futures aligned, she silently hoped that maybe he would ask her to get back together cause there was no one else out there for her, she knew that, but she wasn't going to be the girl to insert herself into his new life.

The night before her graduation she received a short message from Quinn saying sorry to her for not being able to make it to her big day, telling her how proud he was of her for accomplishing her dreams and wishing her well. She followed his text up with a quick thanks and a joke about him being a university dropout, then turned off her phone and cried in her room as she laid out her cap, gown, and dress.

Something about his absence felt suffocating, this was something she always pictured, and she had always imagined Quinn next to her during all of it. She remembers the end of their sophomore year and how hopeful they had both been in their relationship, it felt like a slap in the face, they were so naive to what the reality would be for their futures.

So now she sat in her bed, deep breathing as she tried to calm herself down to get a good night's sleep.

The next morning was hectic, getting up just as the sun began to rise to get her hair and makeup done, and her dress ironed along with every other small routine she needed in order for her morning to go as perfectly and smoothly as possible.

A quiet knock on her door startled her out of her anxious daze, she fixed the sleeve of her dress and opened the door to see a smiling Quinn in a suit. "You're here?" she said as she pulled herself into his chest, his arms wrapping around her as he held her for the first time in nearly a year. "You really thought I wouldn't make it?" "Yes, and I was mad at you for it" she laughed as she pulled away, her eyes tracing his face, thumb running over the growing beard, face seemingly more mature than the last time she had laid eyes on him, he looked really good. "I could hear the anger in your message," he whispered as his hands found solace on her waist before she allowed him to enter her apartment bedroom, and motioned him to take a seat on her bed.

She searched her room for her jewellery box, Quinn watched her brows furrow as she finally found it, his heart thumping in his chest as he grabbed the small box from his pants pocket. "Hun?" he whispered as she made her way over to him, she stood in between his legs as she put her last earring in, an awkward smile on her face as he stared up at her, "this is for you" he then pressed the small black box into her palm.

Nerves filling his stomach as she opened the tiny box, "you really didn't have to get me anything," she paused as she revealed a key, "is this?" "It's a key to my apartment, I know you said you didn't know where you were gonna end up after school, but a little selfish piece of me wants you all to myself in Vancouver," he mumbled as her gaze switched between the key and him. A grin grew on her face as she nodded, not ready to giving him a verbal answer just yet.

"Can I kiss you?" she asked lowly as she held the key in her hand, such a small thing that just changed the entire trajectory of her entire life. "Please," he mumbled, staring up at her with lustful eyes as she cupped his face as smashed her lips onto his.

His hands gripped her thighs as he pulled her forward and into his lap, "did I tell you how pretty you look today?" he pulled away and rested his forehead against hers. She shook her head and placed a kiss on his jaw, "did I tell you that I think the beard is hot," she grinned as his face broke out into a smile, his hand finding the back of her neck and pulling her down to kiss her again.

"I missed this so much," she said in between kisses, smiling at how careful Quin was, trying not to ruin her hair. He hummed, "m' never letting you go again," he whispered as his hands travelled down to her ass, making her laugh at the suprise contact.

"Guys!" Jack swung the door open to tell them that everyone was taking pictures, but screamed at the sight before him and slammed the door shut. "I'm not ready to deal with that," she whispered with a laugh as she looked at a wide-eyed Quiin, placing a kiss on his cheek as she got up off of Quinn's lap to flatten out her dress. "He should've knocked" Quinn shrugged and straightened out his tie, cheeks a cute pink hue as Honey took his hand and led him downstairs.

-

-

-

[bestanimatedmovie]

Choose your favorite!

Either way, Puss is losing a life here

Vote in the other polls!

What fans say:

Puss In Boots: The Last Wish:

It has a very well done and mature depiction of serious topics (mortality) and mental health. My favourite scene is the depiction of Puss having a panic attack and Perrito comforting him. Also great animation and all the characters are amazing.

The trio of puss+kitty+ perrito was really fun and I loved Puss and Kitty’s relationship. The scenes with Death gave me chills when I saw it in theaters. The animation was gorgeous, the character arcs are very well done, every character is entertaining to watch and it's paced impressively well. Probably the best animated movie I saw in 2022

The animation, the characters, the details, the story, the comedy, the messages, the animation style, All OF IT!

I absolutely love the characterization, the fact that they managed to wrangle BLOOD into the movie was insane to me when I watched it in theaters. I was so entranced lol

It’s a fucking cinematic masterpiece. I nearly cried this film changed a part of my soul. The animation is incredibly stylised especially for the fight scenes, the locations are beautiful and the characters are all enjoyable in their own ways. The music is so good i recommended it to my music teacher on the basis of looking at it for leitmotifs. Genuinely one of the best films I’ve ever seen.

The opening scene is absolutely gorgeous + Kitty & pib's relationship is so important to me. they invented true love. <2

I've been fixated on this movie for five months now and it's not stopping; the animation is inventive and stunning, the characters are all in-depth and well-written, the antagonists are all a delight, the themes stay with you ages after you walk out of the theater, it has the most realistic depiction of a panic attack I've ever seen on the big screen in my entire life. It's all incredibly stylish, the music all goes hard, every single scene matters to the greater plotline, never is a character mocked by the narrative for their weakness or naïvete... I'm not a big movie person, but I've watched this over twenty times honestly, and it's impacted me for the rest of my life.

Shrek 2:

Shrek may be one of the biggest memes on the internet, but this movie legitimately SLAPS!!! This is the movie that most Shrek Conoisseurs agree is the best for the mostly great storyline and it's REALLY great comedy throughout. This is also the movie that introduced us to Puss in Boots! The ending is also INCREDIBLY iconic just saying. 10/10

"One of the greatest sequels of all time. Still holds up nearly 20 years later. It's got everything you could ask for. Diegetic music, a giant gingerbread man Godzilla parody, dancing, death/self-sacrifice, Puss in boots, and, most importantly, a banging song that mixes things up (Seriously, the cover slaps way harder than the original. The alternating highs and lows in terms of tempo and intensity really makes it).

Shrek is a good movie. But Shrek 2 is a great movie. It builds off of the world in the previous film, expands and make it more compelling, while still being a fairy-tale modern tale that critiques family relations. There's great jokes, like Shrek pretending to be from the union, the Fairy Godmother breaking her diet as a punishment for someone else, and a knight planting drugs on Puss in Boots. It's an absolutely iconic movie with THE BEST use of an existing song for a climax in any film (fight me) with the I Need a Hero scene, but also is able to slow down and perfectly capture the awkward first meal with disapproving parents.

[frownyalfred]

If this too much or too personal please ignore!

But I was just wondering if you had any advice for grieving? (I lost a close family member very recently)

I'm so sorry for your loss, anon. I don't know your exact situation, but I hope your loved one's memory is a blessing to you and your family. I'll leave my thoughts below the break, since I'll discuss death and dying a little.

I am, as many people on here likely know, still grieving the loss of my father. It was sudden and unexpected. It was bloody and somewhat traumatic for our family. Thinking about it still leaves me dazed and unfocused.

Grieving is such a strange process. I've been talking about it with my therapist weekly, and her main takeaway has been that there is no right way to do it -- and that it is far from linear. There are positive moments and regressions. There are funny memories and difficult truths to grapple with. There is anger, confusion, sadness. Despair. So many unanswered questions and moments that hover on the edge of veneration simply because they are the only ones you have left.

How did I grieve? I cried a lot, at first. I took off work and sat shiva with my family. I answered a thousand well-meaning messages and played one singular song on repeat on my phone. I barely slept. I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed. I woke up crying without remembering exactly what I had been dreaming about.

Then, as if in reprieve, my brain let up. I slept somewhat normally again. My body was no longer on the edge of tears at any given moment, nor was I entirely numb. Slowly, I began to think of normal things again; new television shows, updating a chapter, irritation at the banal things like traffic and work.

And anon, I thought to myself, this must be it. I'm no longer "grieving," or at least not in the traditional sense of the word. I was eating, sleeping, going to the gym and work, updating my works and hitting the club again on the weekends.

But I wasn't done. And I'm not sure I ever will be. I wanted to be done, in so many ways. I was mad at my father for dying, for making me grieve, for keeping me in this state where I couldn't be confident in anything I was feeling, any progress I was making. Where I could remain silent and resolute at his burial, but sob like a baby in my apartment when the concert t-shirt he gave me was stained by some soup.

But that's a lot to put on the dead. And sometimes I have to keep reminding myself that -- that he is dead, that there is a gap in my life I keep trying to skip over, like avoiding tonguing at the aching tooth in the back of my mouth. And when I forget, the world is more than glad to remind me, whether through well-meaning neighbors, colleagues, etc etc.

I suppose that's a long way of saying, I think I'm still grieving anon. I'm not sure I'm doing the best at it, active or involuntary as this process seems to be. I have an amazing support network, but so much of this work seems to be solitary, even when someone is sitting right next to you, crying with you.

The Jewish saying "May their memory be a blessing" has been a good focal point for me, I think. It dovetails nicely with the Mandalorian saying "Not gone, merely marching far away." I've thought about both a lot in the last few months, because I'm a huge nerd and also because I don't think the cultures are too dissimilar.

Let your loved one's memory be a blessing in your life, anon. Remember the happy moments, and speak them out loud if you're able. Don't let their name remain sacred. Don't sanctify them, for we are all humans and humans are complicated, but don't leave their life behind you.

Those memories of them, those funny moments and sad days, fun trips and strange conflicts, those are all yours now. No one else has them. And when you and your family are gone, those memories are gone too.

Other small things that have made this whole process easier: Starbucks and DoorDash giftcards (seriously, some days are too hard), letting myself take time off hobbies (gym/writing) without penalizing myself, naming my grief and allowing myself to sit in it (I'm sad today about x, and I want to lie down for a few hours. I'm lying down because I'm feeling sad about x, and I'm allowed to feel that way). Going to the gym and running until the natural endorphins help. Talking with my families about good and complicated moments with my dad. Writing, when I'm able. Reminding myself it's okay to not be very functional, that it's okay to not be perfect and you would never expect someone who is grieving to be so. Talking to a therapist and getting treatment for what I experienced. Accepting the kind words of others, even if they hurt or are unintentionally difficult.

I'm sorry you're going through this anon. I know how you feel, or at least some of what you feel. I hope you have support and loved ones around you who can help shoulder some of this process.

<3 Jay

[karatekels]

(Before you get mad because my Master List isn't currently my pinned post, you can find it here)

Well, I was hoping to give you all a more positive, happy update... but now you get a mixed bag.

I found out yesterday that my beautiful, wonderful PhD supervisor got my graduate funding extended for another year, meaning that all the extra work that I've either done or signed up to do this year is just a nice, extra little windfall that means I don't have to worry about money as aggressively as I have been, so that's a win! I cried happy tears for a very long time.

Unfortunately, this week my chronic fatigue which has been slowly going away over the past year has decided to start coming back.

I've touched on my chronic fatigue and pain a bit here before, but the gist of it is we don't really know what's causing either or how to treat either. At least I'm in Canada, so I haven't had any medical debt relating to this, but on the downside our medical systems are so backlogged I haven't been able to delve into very many tests to really get to the bottom of it. I won't rant about the pain because I've been dealing with it for most of my life and, as shitty as it is, I can usually still coexist with it, but the fatigue...

OH, THE FUCKING FATIGUE.

For me, my fatigue isn't wanting to sleep in longer in the morning or something I can chase away with coffee, or something I can just yawn through as I go about my day - it's an infuriating and debilitating clusterfuck. It usually means I don't sleep well during the night, and I will randomly be unable to function for hours at a time. I can't really think properly, my limbs will go numb, and I usually just slug out on the couch until it passes. No amount of sleep will make the sleepiness go away, and when it comes on, there's nothing I can do (it's a good thing that I don't drive, because if it came on while I was behind the wheel I would pretty much have to immediately pull over, lock the doors and pass out).

The good news (as I'm trying to see it, anyway) is that between my body being largely useless and my finances no longer being as much of an issue as anticipated, I can - and have to be - a bit gentler with myself, meaning I'll probably be at home more than I already am, and looking for a way to escape.

aka "MORE DAYDREAMING AND SUBSEQUENT WRITING!"

I can't promise I'll be churning things out the way I was last summer (jeez, remember last summer? what the hell was I thinking...) but I can pretty much guarantee I'll be writing a lot more than I have been so far this year, and I hope you're looking forward to that possibility as much as I am!

Basically, I just wanted to check in to thank you all for your patience, explain my lack of writing this year, and encourage those of you who are healthy to really appreciate it. I turn 30 in less than two months, and so much of my life (and pretty much my entire adult life) has been impacted by these unpredictable, unfixable problems and it really sucks. So, if you can do a cartwheel, a wheelkick or some kind of jump for joy, please do it for yourselves, and know that I'd join you if I could!

Thanks for reading, and we'll be back to your regularly scheduled smut soon, ya filthy animals!

- KarateKels

---

Tl;dr: Good and bad things are happening but hopefully both mean you'll be getting more writing from me?

[amaretigris]

Hi it's Nina :)

Can I please request a Jonah Hauer king fanfiction please?

They have broken up through no fault of either of them, but they're still in love with each other so he encourages her to be FWB, but then he can't carry it on any longer because he just wants all of her

Hi lovely! Thanks so much for this request! 💜 I've been working on it the last two days. I hope you like what I came up with! 🙌🥰

(Sorry it took me this long, my brain's been fried from work 🥴)

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Crater

3.4k words | Angst, fluff, & smut suggestions

Taglist: @luna2034 @hopeisrising @mylittlemermaid221 @notagreekgal28 @daydreamerwithnohobbies @freyagallileaevans @justagirlthatlovedtoread

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It had been a summer fling; all-consuming and passionate. Jonah was yours for an entire summer, and he gave himself to you in every way. There was no hesitation, and no inhibitions. Jonah took you stargazing and skinny dipping. The two of you experienced more love in two months than some people do in lifetimes. That's right: love. Though it was short, you knew it was true.

It was the summer before you went off to different universities across the country from one another. You tried not to let that fact gnawing at the back of your mind stop you from being in the moment with him. But as your time together dwindled, you became frantic.

"What will we do? How will we make this work?"

Jonah had no answer. It was no one's fault. The two of you were stepping into the newest chapter of your lives. On your last night with Jonah, he nestled you in his hold.

"You know I'll always love you, right (Y/N)?"

Tears dotted your vision.

"I know. I'll always love you, Jonah."

Of course you kept in touch at first. Jonah called you every night to ask about your day. You felt a twinge of jealousy when Jonah mentioned a new friend named Vanessa. You cried that night with your pillow clutched to your chest. You were envious of the people able to hang out with him; to experience him in real time. What you wouldn't give to have that back.

Eventually, the phone calls slowed. The dates that both of you had planned to visit the other got pushed back. The texts ceased. The dry ache in your chest was so, so heavy at first. You pushed it down further and further every day. He's better off, you told yourself. He's living his life, and I should live mine. Over time, the ache buried itself so deep that you hardly noticed it anymore. Life went on as it always does. It pauses for no one. You learned that the hard way.

The night of your graduation from university, you received an offer letter from your dream job. You had applied for it a month ago, and endured the grueling interview process. It was a photography job for an up-and-coming architecture firm. Urban photography was your specialty, and you reasoned that architectural photography wouldn't be much of a stretch. You would be in charge of the portfolio that is shown to the clientele. You could 'make or break' the company's profit margin according to your interviewer. You knew you were the right fit, and you couldn't wait to start this new endeavor in your professional career. Your thoughts momentarily fleeted to Jonah before you were carried off to the bar with friends to celebrate.

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Two weeks later, you started at your new company. You went through onboarding with a smile. Once the new hire process was done, you walked through the office with your new manager. His name was Sebastian, and he was a kind, older gentleman. Sebastian introduced you to some of your peers, and you smiled and shook hands with everyone. You were thrilled to meet your new team. Sebastian was leading you down the hallway to your new office when a man speaking to a co-worker stepped out of a door, directly into your path. You ran into the person's back, immediately halting your steps.

"Oh, my apologies," the man exclaimed.

Why did that voice sound familiar? No.

You sucked in a breath as the man turned to face you. You immediately connected eyes with Jonah. The rest of the world froze around you as you stared at each other for a moment, both in shock.

"Uh, sorry (Y/N). This is Jonah. Do you two know each other?"

Sebastian awkwardly asked.

"Yes," Jonah answered before you had a chance.

It was good considering that you didn't want to answer that question.

"Yes, (Y/N) and I knew each other in our early college days."

You bristled at his statement, and shook your head to snap yourself out of your daze. How, after all this time, did he still affect you this way? Smoothing your hands down your skirt, you smiled to Sebastian.

"Yes, a long time ago now. Shall we continue to the office?"

Sebastian glanced between you and Jonah with his brow lifted for a moment before turning to continue to the office.

"Jonah," you muttered with a forced smile as you squeezed past him.

Jonah turned his head to follow you with his eyes. You didn't turn back to look at him again. Not that you would after all this time.

"Hey, everything alright, mate?"

A co-worker burst Jonah's thought bubble.

"Sh - yeah. Yeah, mate, everything's good. You startled me is all," Jonah put his hand to his chest.

He glanced the direction you left once more, and turned to retreat to his desk.

Sebastian showed you to your new office. It was much nicer than you deserved; you were sure of it. But the whole time Sebastian gave you a tour, your mind wandered to Jonah. The years had treated him well. He only got more attractive with age, you decided. How the fuck was that possible?

Rolling your eyes at that thought, you had to focus on Sebastian. The rest of the morning went off without a hitch, and you practically sprinted to your car to leave for the day. Onboarding was only a half a day, and you really needed to pull yourself together before you saw Jonah again. It's been four years. You need to get over it.

You were due back to start the next morning, and you can't exactly have an episode every time you run into Jonah around the office. You have to be neutral towards him. Taking deep breaths and backing out of the parking space, your mind was screaming at you the whole way home. That night, you meditated, and tried to calm your nerves before bed. You would need all the help you could get.

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"Good morning, (Y/N)! Excited for your first day?"

Sebastian fixed you with a toothy grin. You smiled in return.

"Yes, very excited!"

The morning was great. You drove to a model build, and took a million photographs with different lighting and filters. Returning to the office just before lunch, you decided to eat at your desk so you could edit pictures. You were chewing your pb&j when you heard a knock on your open door. You looked up from your computer, and stilled like a deer in headlights. Jonah.

"Hi. I was coming to ask if you wanted to join us for lunch, but I can see that you're busy," Jonah folded his hands awkwardly in front of him.

You nodded, and looked back to your computer screen. Jonah stepped further into your office. Shit.

"(Y/N), I get the feeling that you're avoiding me. I know we have a past. I know things didn't end the way either of us wanted. But please, I beg you, can we talk about it?"

You swallowed the lump in your throat. Jonah was right. You couldn't keep avoiding him.

"Fine. Do you want to talk now or later?"

You set your sandwich down, and folded your hands atop your desk.

"We can talk now," he swung your office door closed.

Jonah strolled over to the seat in front of your desk. He sat down with a smug smile.

"There. Now I have your full attention. How have you been?"

You grimaced, pressing your fingers to your temples.

"Jonah, listen, I know we were kids. I know it was just a fling that fizzled out. We're different people now. Can we just agree to be neutral and professional towards one another? This is my first gig out of university, and it's really important to me that I do well here."

Jonah's smile dimmed, but didn't disappear.

"Of course. It was a fling, it happens. I'm only sorry that it ended the way it did. How ironic that we got pulled to two different worlds, only to end up back in the same one."

You shook your head.

"Right. I'm sorry, what is your position here again? I didn't hear Sebastian say."

"I'm an architect now."

"Wow. That's wonderful. I never knew you wanted to be an architect. See, how well did I really know you?"

Jonah hesitated before answering.

"I didn't even know I wanted to be an architect back then. It took a lot of time and self-reflection to find my true passion. I changed my major several times," he admitted.

You couldn't help but smile.

"Well, I'm glad you've found it. And I look forward to working with you," you extended your hand for Jonah to shake.

Taking it, Jonah shook it lightly.

"I look forward to it, too. Congrats on the new gig," he flashed his dimples.

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A week had passed before Jonah started flirting with you.

"What are you doing?"

You scrunched your brow as you asked Jonah the question.

"What? I'm talking to a co-worker," Jonah shrugged.

"No. That was flirting. You're trying to flirt," you rolled your eyes.

"I told you. Professional."

Jonah sighed and threw his head back in dramatic fashion.

"Yes I know what you told me. Neutral. Professional," he lifted his head back up.

"Come on, you can't tell me that you haven't once thought about it over the years," he nudged your shoulder.

"Stop it," you retorted.

"I haven't."

Jonah scoffed at that.

"Yeah right. You can admit that I made you see stars. I know you've thought about it," he lowered his voice.

It was your turn to shrug.

"Nope, I haven't," you replied with a sparkle in your eye, turning to exit the break room.

It was fun to see Jonah squirm.

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The flirting continued into the next week. Sometimes you participated, and sometimes you didn't. It really depended on your mood. When you were stressed, you were less likely to flirt with Jonah. Other times, you couldn't help it. There was no denying that there was still a natural chemistry between the two of you. Jonah was familiar.

One evening, gathering up your things off your desk, you heard your office door open.

"I'm sorry, I know I said I would come, but-".

You stopped speaking when you looked up to see Jonah at the door.

"Oh, sorry, I thought you were Flynn," you excused.

You rounded your desk.

"You had plans with Flynn?"

"Uh, yeah. I mean he asked me if I wanted to go to some arcade with him tonight. He said other people might be there. I told him I'd probably come, but I'm exhausted, and my social battery is drained."

You stepped closer to the door, and in turn to Jonah.

"Can I leave my office, please?"

You asked when Jonah didn't answer you or move out of your way.

"Don't go anywhere with Flynn. The dude's a player," Jonah warned.

You barked a laugh.

"Oh, and you're not? Come on Jonah, I'd like to get out of here."

You saw Jonah's shoulders slump, but he opened the door wider for you to pass by him. He closed your office door behind you. The two of you walked in silence down the hall to the elevators.

"What's with you? Are you feeling okay?"

Jonah sighed.

"Yes. I was considering asking you something."

You stopped in your tracks.

"What? You know you have to tell me now," you crossed your arms over your chest.

You didn't miss Jonah's eyes dipping to your neckline. He sucked in a breath, and you saw his throat bob with a swallow.

"I was going to suggest an arrangement," Jonah ducked his head.

"An arrangement?"

He nodded.

"Only if you're interested. I know you're still pretty guarded around me. You've always been good at that. But, personally, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since you started here. I feel we've been given a second chance. If you feel the same, I was going to offer an arrangement. It's not as big of a commitment as dating, but we'd still be able to see one another."

Your heart hammered in your chest.

"What arrangement?"

You weren't considering it. No. You simply needed all the facts before making a decision.

"Friends with benefits," Jonah grimaced, gauging your reaction.

Your stomach dropped.

"Really? You just want to hook up with me," you rolled your eyes.

You began walking again. Jonah's hands came out to comfort you, but at your sharp look, he withdrew them. He followed you to the elevator instead.

"Listen, I know how it sounds. It's just that, I'm not seeing anyone," he put his hand to his chest, "and I don't think you're seeing anyone," he motioned to you.

"It sounded like a much better idea when I rehearsed it in my flat," Jonah scrubbed the back of his neck.

You eyed him suspiciously before you pressed the button to call the elevator.

"There's no other reason?"

You questioned. Jonah shuffled his feet nervously.

"Do you want me to say that I've missed you? I thought you already knew that."

You stepped into the elevator as soon as the doors opened. Jonah followed you in, but stayed quiet.

"I'll think about it," you finally said when the doors dinged open on the ground floor.

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You made Jonah wait another week before the hookups started. You made it clear that that's all this was. Neither of you had any claim over one another, and neither of you should expect more. That was easy to say before Jonah had you bent over your desk after hours, plowing you from behind.

Everything about him was just as you remembered. His lips were just as soft, and his body was just as solid. You couldn't help but feel a little lucky that you got to experience it again, even if it was in the form of casual hookups. What you didn't know was that the handful of intimate moments were wearing down Jonah's resolve a little more each time. He always wanted more of you, but how could he ask for that with the way things had ended last time? He felt he had no right. You were quite emotionally guarded around Jonah still, and he couldn't blame you for that. He didn't know how to explain his feelings without you shutting him down. He was lucky that you'd been gracious enough to let him touch you again. He decided that he would take what he could get for now, and bide his time.

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It wasn't until one bright, spring morning that your presence was requested at one of the sites for Jonah's latest build. Sebastian said that you were to go and take pictures to showcase his latest innovative design. You agreed, and drove to meet Jonah at the address you were given. When you pulled up, he was standing outside.

"Morning," Jonah chirped as you exited your car.

You shouldered your camera bag. Jonah handed you a cup of coffee, and you looked up at him with a quirked brow.

"What? I remember your coffee order, (Y/N). I'm not a monster."

You laughed.

"Thanks. And good morning," you sipped your vanilla latte.

You followed Jonah into the building. Whether it was designated to be a home or workspace, you weren't sure yet.

"Whoa," you openly admired.

You stared up at the high, arched ceilings with numerous skylights. Jonah smiled, pleased with your reaction, and led you straight to the outdoor patio. Before you was a garden of all different kinds of flowers and trees. The garden path branched off in two different directions from the patio, but you could see that the paths met in the middle in the back of the yard.

Setting your coffee and camera bag down on the concrete, you pulled your camera out, walking down the path to snap pictures. You turned back to the house, since that's now what you assumed it was, and snapped photos of the lovely garden space with the building in the background. Jonah walked on the path opposite you, simply observing. When the two of you met at the fountain in the joined space at the back, you put your camera down, and looked at Jonah.

"What do you think?"

Jonah asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"It's beautiful," you gushed.

"What inspired you with this design?"

You focused on your camera screen, scrolling through pictures.

"You did."

You paused your movements, and looked up at Jonah's hypnotic eyes.

"What?"

"You did, (Y/N)," he repeated.

"The house has skylights because you remind me of sunshine. They can also be used to stargaze at night, like we used to. The garden has two separate paths, just as we did, but they converge back together at the end."

Your mouth hung open, but you had no words. Jonah continued.

"All this time, you've inspired my builds. You're the reason that I've been a successful architect. My work has always been my love letter to you."

You closed your mouth, and shook your head, with tears springing to your eyes.

"Don't do that," you muttered.

"It's true," Jonah's hands reached out to grab your upper arms; to keep you from running, at least.

"You're my muse, (Y/N). You're the reason I've been able to channel my passion into my work."

"Don't do that," you repeated, trying to shrug his hands off of your arms.

Jonah tightened his hold slightly.

"These years, these experiences...it feels like a lifetime. A lifetime of emptiness without you. I ruined my chance. I had it all before, I was just too young and stupid to realize it. I know that now. But please, please, for the love of god, let me make it up to you. Let me show you what real love is like. Because I swear, I swear it (Y/N), I've loved you all this time."

Too stunned to speak, you tried pulling away from Jonah again. Jonah let you this time. You took off down the path back to the house. You were full on crying now, tears streaming down your cheeks. You shouldn't have come here. You should've made up some excuse.

Jonah followed you, and let you slip your camera back into your bag. When you tried to grab it to leave, he grabbed your wrist.

"(Y/N), please," he uttered before you turned on him.

"Stop it, Jonah. Just stop it," you barked at him.

Jonah dropped your wrist, but didn't move otherwise.

"I mourned, you know. I mourned the loss of you, and the loss of our life together," you poked your finger into his chest.

"I won't do it again," you croaked.

Your throat was tight with tears.

"You won't have to," Jonah eased his hand around yours.

"I can promise you that you won't have to mourn for us again. It didn't matter what I did, or who I was with; I thought of you every single day. And back then, I didn't know what to do. You had your new life in front of you. I didn't want to hold you back. But it took that time apart for me to realize that you are my life, (Y/N). The only version of my life worth living is with you."

"How do I know this is real?"

"You think it's a coincidence that you ended up here?"

Your eyes shot to Jonah's.

"No," he shook his head.

"All staff is involved in the hiring process, (Y/N). Our managers show us every potential hire, and gather our input. I pushed for you to be here. It wasn't hard to convince the others."

You closed your eyes, shaking your head now.

"What? No, that can't be right."

"It is. Ask anyone. You were a strong candidate because of your resume, but our vote was the reason you were hired right out of university. I knew that we were destined to make our way back to each other. I just didn't know how, until you fell into my lap again."

You looked down at Jonah's chest, whimpering.

"I can't. I can't do it again. It almost killed me the first time."

"I know," Jonah snaked his arms around you.

"Me too, love. It won't happen like that again, I promise," he whispered.

You leaned into his chest, giving into his warmth. You didn't have much to lose, you reasoned. You'd already lost him once before, and the crater left in your world affected you to this very day. Which was better: to risk it all again, or deal with the loss? Your heart knew the answer before you spoke it.

"What happens if I say yes?"

[roguerambles]

Unexpected Arrivals

Baldur's Gate III - Halsin x Tav x Gale

Warnings - 18+Only. Adult Situations.

So BG3 has had my heart since it's release (seriously, I've been playing it consistently haha) and I wanted to try something using my Tav's. Just a quick something fluffy and silly and a little sexy. I'm not thrilled with how it turned out but I'm trying to beat writer's block.

Also since finding that Gale/Halsin isn't ENTIRELY off the table, my heart is even more set on Gale/Aelia/Halsin, the benefit of fanfiction I suppose haha.

Anyway, my Tavs are Aelia, Half High Elf Storm Sorcerer, and Krios, Tiefling Circle of the Land Druid.

Enjoy the Rambles!

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Gale's tower was surprisingly homey.

Krios practically jogged up the stone steps, his heavy boots echoing dully, the torches bursting to life as he continued to ascend. He and Astarion had arrived in Waterdeep earlier than expected, and truthfully the druid was too excited to wait until morning to send word to Gale and Aelia. It had been months since they had seen any of their companions, after all.

Astarion had rolled his eyes at him, but sniffed that he supposed Gale's tower was better accommodation than the local inns (and Gale was far less likely to wonder why Astarion would need to be hidden in a rented room all day) but Krios knew he was looking forward to seeing their friends again.

Not enough to take the stairs, even though the lift was taking far too long in Krios's opinion. So the tiefling immediately took off up the staircase, determined to reach the top before the vampire did.

"Ha!"

He grinned to himself as he reached the top landing, the gentle churning of the lift indicating Astarion was still slowly ascending. I win.

The druid debated waiting, before taking note of the sweet smell of fresh soil and flowers that tickled his nose, combined with the gentle spice of cinnamon and fire, and felt a flicker of excitement. In her last letter Aelia had mentioned starting a garden within the tower not long after moving in with Gale, and Krios was eager to see what she had done with it. Surely Astarion would not mind if he knocked and--

"Ahhhhhhhh....."

Krios's large hand froze at the door handle, his ears perking like Scratch's at dinner time. Oh. It was late at night, and Aelia and Gale weren't expecting them. He hadn't considered they would be--

"Ah...! Ohhhhh...Halsin...!"

Wait, what--?

Unable to stop himself, Krios pushed the door slightly - it slowly swung open - so much for those magical defences Gale - and the first thing his eyes landed on where a familiar set of druidic robes, crumbled and abandoned on the floor. Just beyond them, a pair of boots, a half torn tunic, some lacy lingerie--

"Oh....! Yes...Halsin...yes--!"

A woman cried out, voiced laced with pleasure, and Krios's gaze snapped upwards. Aelia, eyes squeezed tight, threw her head back, long raven hair spilling across her shoulders and back. Her naked breasts bounced slightly as she gripped the table beneath her, her thighs clenched around impossibly broad shoulders, fingers tangled in long, messy brown hair. "Yes....ahhhhhhh....!"

Sweet Silvanus--

"Hah....come here to me--!"

Halsin lifted his head from between Aelia's thighs, voice thick with lust. The muscles in his broad back flexed and contracted as he rose, his large hands grasping her hips as he pulled her flush against him. His mouth crushed against hers, capturing her sinful moan as they writhed against each other, falling back into the table, knocking bowls of fruit and chalices of wine to the floor in their haste.

The sweet, heavy scent tickled Krios's nose once again and he swallowed thickly, mind foggy with shock and awe at the naked display of carnality in front of him. Halsin and Aelia? Here? Gale would be crushed. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. The druid wanted to say something, but as he opened his mouth words seemed to fade on his tongue. His eyes trailed over the flexing of Halsin's powerful hips, the lovely shape of Aelia's strong thighs, and suddenly Krios did not know whether he would barge in and reprimand them or ask if they wanted company--

"Honestly, you two are incorrigible."

Gale tutted in vague disapproval, appearing from an opposite doorway, a tray of seemed to be water and fruit in his hands. He was draped in a fluffy, dark blue robe, open to expose his surprisingly toned torso. Krios watched as he walked around the table, setting the tray down. "Come on, we must pace ourselves or you'll end up exhausted. We should eat."

Krios was beginning to wonder if he had passed out on the stairs and was dreaming.

“I’d rather devour you.”

Halsin growled, his voice low and playful, reaching out to grasp Gale’s waist and tug him towards himself and Aelia. Gale huffed out a laugh, rolling his eyes slightly, his hand bracing on the elf’s thick bicep.

“Halsin—”

Aelia laughed breathlessly, stopping Gale’s words by leaning up and pressing her lips to his, her arms loosely draping around his neck. Gale mumbled something incomprehensible to Krios’s ears, his mouth moving eagerly against hers as Halsin’s hand roamed down his side, slipping underneath his robe. “Gale, stop talking and get in here—”

“Aelia—” Gale huffed, a warm chuckle melting into a soft moan. “We…we should at least go back to bed—my word—"

Gale apparently needed little encouragement after that, his fingers gently caressing Aelia’s jawline as Halsin leaned against his shoulder, pressing open mouthed kisses along Gale’s neck and shoulder. The three began to move together, bodies sliding and grinding and tangling together, and heat blossomed deep in Krios’s belly, thick roots slowly spreading as his fingers tightly coiled around the door handle still in his grasp. Confusion was being rapidly replaced with arousal and he wet his lower lip with his tongue, the mysteriously sweet scent seeming to engulf his senses as he began to push the door open. He wanted to join them, to feel their naked bodies against his own, writhing and rutting and stroking in pleasure—

“I didn’t realise you liked to watch, darling.”

Krios yelped and whirled around, nearly colliding with Astarion, the fog banished from his mind like smoke in the breeze. Astarion peered up at him, fangs flashing in sharp amusement. “Astarion!” Words stumbled together in his mouth, tumbling out into the air uselessly. “I—I—I was…I just—”

“Krios?”

“Oh! Gracious—!”

The door swung open as Astarion peeked around Krios, eyebrow quirked. “Dinner and a show, Gale? Really, you shouldn’t have.”

Gale looked painfully flustered, hastily grabbing some discarded clothing from the floor to try and preserve some modesty. Aelia stared at them, wide-eyed, while Halsin made absolutely no attempt to cover up, simply looking pleased to see them.

“Krios! Astarion!” Halsin’s face lit up, a bright smile forming on his ruggedly handsome features. “What a wonderful surprise.” His large hand slowly rubbed up and down Aelia’s thigh slung across his hip, and Krios found himself watching the gesture with fascination, his gut tightening as Halsin’s voice seemed to drop an octave. “Please. Join us.”

“Halsin!” Gale hissed, reaching across Aelia to lightly shove Halsin’s shoulder. “Please!”

Halsin coughed, an expression of mild embarrassment flashing across his face, before he offered a sheepish grin as next to Krios, Astarion began to cackle. “Apologies. Aelia’s new blooms have had…interesting effects.”

Finally, Krios realised where the scent was coming from. Just beyond the room, he could see what appeared to be a small garden, perfuming the air with nature and magic. He cleared his throat, shaking his head to try and clear the mist from his thoughts. "You...you exposed Halsin to an aphrodisiac...?"

Halsin laughed, a self-deprecating smile on his face, as Aelia smothered a laugh behind her hand. A nervous chuckle escaped Gale, who waved his hand vaguely in the air as though he suddenly had no idea what to do with it. "Well, we were a little surprised ourselves! Really, druidic magic isn't my area of expertise, but it is quite fascinating the intersecting nature of--"

"Gale, handsome--" Aelia leaned against his shoulder, hiding a smile against his skin. "Perhaps save the lecture for when we are all wearing clothes."

"That...might be a good idea, my love." Gale laughed, a note of mild hysteria in his voice as he shrugged apologetically in Krios's direction. Krios for his part was suddenly distracted by the image of a naked Gale lecturing him on plants and felt blood begin slowly journeying south of his body. What the fuck--

The half high elf sorcerer smiled slightly, sitting up from her position roughly between Gale and Halsin. “Besides…I would have thought a certain Archdruid would have noticed what we were planting…”

“They are exceptionally rare plants!” Halsin laughed slightly, lightly squeezing her thigh, still laid out across the table, body on shameless, delicious display. Krios was beginning to feel flushed. “Truthfully, I am amazed you even found them at all.”

“Still, you’ve been here for months. I am surprised—”

“Halsin is living here?” Krios blinked, briefly seizing onto clarity. Gale looked slightly flushed as Aelia smiled, hands catching Gale’s and Halsin’s own. “You…the three of you—?”

“Yes, well—” Gale cleared his throat loudly, looking very intently at something vaguely above Krios’s head. “It’s…we’re…exploring the possibility of….we are exploring—"

“Gale and Aelia have honoured me by allowing me to share in their relationship.” Halsin interrupted, catching Gale’s hand and lifting it to his lips, pressing a light kiss against his knuckles. The wizard stuttered, looking even more flustered, while Aelia grinned fondly at the two men on either side of her. “We are allowing our roots to grow together.”

Astarion looked bemused for a moment, before shaking his head. “Well, good for you three, I suppose.” He flashed Gale a coy grin. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“We are very happy for you.” Krios nudged Astarion slightly. “We…we are sorry to have interrupted—”

“We?” Astarion gave him a mockingly non-plussed look. “You were the one lurking at the door, darling.”

Krios could feel his cheeks burning. “I…apologies, I…those plants are really something.” He finished lamely, contemplating fleeing the tower, stripping down and diving into the harbour fuck it was hot in here.

“Indeed they are.” Halsin’s eyes slowly trailed over him, lips curving into a soft smirk. “Perhaps we could—”

Aelia smacked Halsin’s shoulder this time. “Down boy.” She chided playfully, allowing the playful smile she shot Krios way – her body angling to show off her delightful curves – told him she wasn’t opposed to the idea. “I’m sure Krios and Astarion are tired from their journey.”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Astarion laughed, eyes lit up with clear amusement as he turned to grin at Krios. “This one looks raring to go.”

He was, embarrassingly enough. The botanist in him made a mental note to inquire after those plants later, when he was at least fairly certain he wasn’t at risk of jumping his hosts bones. “We…should give you all some privacy…” He cleared his throat, the absurdity of the situation causing a nervous, sheepish grin to bloom on his lips. “But, at the moment, a cold bath suddenly sounds lovely.”

Gale gasped suddenly, and practically leapt from the table, magic briefly flashing around him, and suddenly he stood in a loose blue tunic and black pants. “Gods, your room isn’t ready! Give me just a moment, and I’ll have it prepared at once—"

“Oh, Gale, please, we arrived unexpectedly.” Krios protested as the wizard rushed past him, turning to hurry after him. “Please, do not trouble yourself on our account—”

“Speak for yourself, darling.” Astarion scoffed, exchanging amused glances with Aelia and Halsin. With a playful bow, he turned and followed Krios out, listening to he and Gale’s voices down the hallway. Apparently, manners overpowered embarrassment.

At least breakfast tomorrow would have interesting conversation.

[hischierswhore]

clean

TW: mentions of a breakup

pairing: Mason Mount x Reader

A/N: I had "Clean" by Taylor Swift on repeat while writing this.

-Y/n's POV -

You felt the letter you'd written for Mason in your pocket as you sat down at a park bench. He broke your heart only a few weeks ago, ending your 10 month-long relationship.

For the longest time, you were in severe denial that this was your reality. But now you were accepting it, and all that was left was to get rid of any lingering feelings for him.

No matter how much you dreamed of him coming back for you and realizing he'd made a mistake, deep down you knew he would never say those three little words you wanted to hear so badly.

You reached out to him a few days ago to speak with him, saying you wanted to give him his stuff back. He agreed to meet you at the park.

Minutes passed as you waited for him to arrive, and just when you thought you were being ghosted, Mason finally showed up.

You stood from the bench, a slight smile appearing on your face as you walked over to where he was. An awkward hug was exchanged, causing your cheeks to burn.

"Thanks for meeting me," you said as you both pulled away from the hug.

"Of course" He said as he followed you to your car, where all his items were.

"So uhm- here's your stuff" You carried some of it while Mason carried the rest of it and brought it to his car. You helped him situate everything in the back seat.

"Oh and this is yours too" You pulled out the envelope and held it in front of you.

He blinked at you a couple times before realizing that you were giving whatever was inside to him. His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

"What's this?" He asked, and then began fidgeting nervously.

"A letter. Don't read it until I'm gone. Please" You begged as he nodded.

"Thanks again for this, and it was nice seeing you again" He smiled

"Nice to see you too" You returned a smile, before turning around to get back into your own car. You drove away, glancing in the rearview mirror to see Mason now opening the letter.

- Mason's POV -

Y/n drove away, and a piece of my heart broke a little bit more than it already was. I did as she asked and read the letter she'd given me after she left. I tore open the envelope and pulled out the letter.

"Dear Mason,

If you're reading this, then that means I've finally accepted what happened to us. I'm finally at a point where I can look back on us and realize that we both had fault in this; It wasn't just you, and it wasn't just me. I hope one day we can be friends, just like we used to be before all of this. Don't think that I don't miss you, because I do miss talking to you everyday. I miss just having you in my life but it's time for me to move on. You'll always hold a special place in my heart, Mase.

Sincerely, Y/n"

I stared at the letter for a long time, contemplating the entire thing. If this truly meant that Y/n would finally let go of our past and leave me behind, I didn't want her to feel guilty about doing so. She didn't deserve to carry the weight of her past anymore.

But if she truly was happy and found peace by writing this letter… then I was happy for her.

Then part of my heart broke even more, knowing she was moving on. Knowing I wouldn't have her in my life anymore. My eyes filled with tears, which suddenly caused me to realize how long it had been since I last cried. Maybe it was time to cry again? A deep sadness settled within me as I placed the letter back into its envelope, tucked it into my wallet, and got into my car.

I decided that right now was not the time to try to reach out. Maybe I'd eventually send her a text, or maybe I'd give her a call.

The drive home was quiet. As I navigated through traffic, my mind was occupied with thoughts about her. Did I really make a mistake by letting her go?

When I finally pulled into my driveway, I closed the door, took a breath, and exhaled slowly. The evening was peaceful as I climbed up the stairs to my bedroom.

Sitting on my bed, I looked at my phone and considered texting her. Picking it up and unlocking it before ultimately deciding against it, to let her enjoy life once again, even if it was a life without me in it.

“Gone was any trace of you. I think I am finally clean”

tagging @chelseagirl98 !

[that--funny--feeling]

Like the first time

Two days ago I saw All things and I still have feelings. I liked it so much.

Here's my take on how it went in that missing moment iykyk

---------------------------------------

She didn't even remember when she actually fell asleep. One moment she was talking to Mulder about destiny and choices, the next she was feeling his arms wrap around her shoulders and her legs, lifting her off the couch.

«Mulder, what are you doing?» she whispered into his chest with her eyes still half-closed as her blanket slid off of her onto the floor. She hadn't even realized she had it on.

«I'm taking you to bed, Scully.» She heard his voice rumble in his chest. She could feel his heat through his shirt too. It was comforting.

«No… It's late, I have to go home.» she tried to reply weakly, but she didn't even believe her words.

«Don't even try it, Scully.» She imagined him shaking his head. She could have seen it with her own eyes, if only she had opened them. But she was so exhausted. She wondered how he could carry her so easily. She felt so small, wrapped up in his arms. Safe.

Mulder laid her on his bed, under the covers. The sheets must have been just changed because they smelled clean. Scully fully opened her eyes only now and realized that Mulder had already put on his pajamas. Maybe it had been longer than she'd thought since she'd dozed off on the couch.

«Mulder, I've been wearing these clothes since this morning.»

«I can help you with that.» he grinned widely, leaning down on the bed next to her. His smiles were insufferable, but also irresistible. And Scully just didn't have the strength to hold back hers right now.

«And I didn't even go to the bathroom.»

«Mi casa es tu casa.» Mulder indicated his bathroom with a broad hand gesture. «There's still the toothbrush you used the last time in the sink. If you can get past my insane way of closing the toothpaste.» Scully grimaced in response. «And I prepared one of my t-shirts for you as pajamas, if you like.»

Scully caressed his cheek and looked straight into his eyes. He was right, he had only been gone a couple of days, yet it was as if everything had changed. And at the same time as if nothing had changed.

There had always been a part of her that was afraid of making the wrong choices. First she worried about her father's opinion, then Daniel's, then Jack's. Each of them had a precise vision of what her life should have been, of what would have been the most logical path to follow. She had no doubt that Ahab was only behaving that way because he was worried about her and only wanted the best for her, yet it was something that always made her suffer. Daniel, then, had put his entire life onto her, his love for her but also his private dissatisfactions, his professional ambitions, his anxieties, his fears. He thought he knew her, but she had never been sure if he had really gotten to know the Dana of the past, he certainly couldn't have known the one of the present.

And then there was Mulder. That had respected her from the first moment, had always asked her opinion, had trusted her, had supported her in every decision she had made, had helped her save herself more than once, had seen the best and the worst of her, with whom she would even go to hell if he asked her to. With whom she had cried, laughed, discussed cannibalism in the middle of the water, spent sunday mornings in the office talking about flying saucers. With whom she had hoped to have something more and had managed to break the circle that she feared had chained them. She had tasted a passion and a light-heartedness in those months that she had never thought possible before. And with whom she had also lost so much. Even the possibility of a child.

She had always asked Mulder why he didn't stop, why he didn't want to a normal life. But maybe she was the one who didn't want a normal life. She remembered what she had thought during their first case together, as they trembled like leaves in the rain and he had convinced her of his supernatural theory: that she could do this forever.

Maybe the life with him wasn't the one she had imagined as a child. Maybe Ahab wouldn't approved, maybe if Daniel knew what her job really was now he would think she was crazy. But Melissa – God, Melissa. In that moment she missed her more than anything in the world – would have held her hand and hugged her and laughed with her, she was sure of it.

She was exactly where she needed to be. The back of Mulder's head rested against her hand as she caressed him, eyes closed, completely at the mercy of her touch.

He straightened his head and his eyes stared into hers, a faint smile on his lips. «What?» he asked softly, breaking her chain of thoughts.

She shrugged. «I love you» she smiled.

His eyes became serious and stared her for some time. Then the corners of his mouth curved up too. «Oh, brother.» he whispered.

She rolled her eyes, but they were both laughing. «Isn't that what I was supposed to say?» He took her hands in his. «I love you too.»

Scully's heart filled with warmth. She put both hands around his face and kissed him like it was their first time. She had known how Mulder felt for her for a long time, and he had known how she felt too. It wasn't a secret. They had said it silently to each other many times, they had proven it with their actions more times than she could remember at that moment. And just as many times Scully had held back on him, scared of how interconnected their lives were becoming, how much she was depending on him. She was tired of being afraid, she was tired of saying “I'm fine” when she wasn't fine. She wanted to wake up in his arms if she had a nightmare, have breakfast together at the bar, hug each other on the beach, dance with him when she heard a song she liked on the radio, make love all day like teenagers and not just for a few stolen moments.

Mulder returned the kiss and slowly they both entered under the blankets. They made love like it was their first time.

[loserchildhotpants]

My mother is looking for me.

I silently went no-contact a few months ago.

Years ago, when I first went no-contact, I announced that that was what I was doing, and it does occur to me that I didn't owe her an explanation then, just as I don't now. There is an aspect to me that has changed since the last time I went no-contact, though. I'll get to that.

My mother and I were extremely enmeshed for most of my life. Several counselors have referred to the relationship as covertly incestuous, and that stands to reason, actually. I hate it, I hate that terminology, it feels gross, but in retrospect, so does my relationship with her, it's just hard to see it as gross, or the source of such enduring discomfort when it's all you've ever known. So, I definitely didn't see it for a long time, it's hard to see the picture from inside the frame. When I look back, though, her behavior is deplorable.

She was less like a mom and more like a friend, and the thing was, she was a shitty friend.

In summation, she was wildly inconsistent; at times, she rose to the occasion and was what I needed, when I needed it, but those times were rare, and minimal in the face of all the rest of the time when she *commanded* me to be and do things like, rub her feet while she cried about my father's limp dick, or she'd start whining nasally while smacking me with her naked feet, talking about how mean I am to her.

She was always so angry in the face of a boundary. I was maybe 9 or 10 when I had to ask her to stop kissing me on the mouth when I was going to bed, and she got so upset with me. She asked sexually or medically invasive questions, and would often bully me and make fun of whatever the answer wound up being.

She openly bullied my sister, and favored me, and it was really evident that if I held fast to boundaries like my sister did, she would retract her love, just as she had with my sister.

She pit us against each other our entire childhoods, she's been manipulative, vindictive, and careless. She has facilitated some of the worst events of trauma and abuse I've suffered in my life, because her having fun or being perceived some specific way by other adults meant so much more to her than her kids being safe.

So, she's not motherly, she's not a nice friend to have, she is mostly a highly reactive child that needs constant gentle-parenting, and will not be held to account for anything she feels makes her 'look bad.'

All this to say, she can't function in any capacity for me that is worth the risk of the injury I incur when I'm around her. She is the elephant's foot of mental illness to me; the closer I get, the longer I stay, the sicker I become.

She's poisoned her entire side of the family against me, she'll tell basically anyone that will listen that I'm a pathological liar who inexplicably hates her for no valid reason, that I'm mentally unstable, and that she's clearly failed as a parent since I turned out so horribly.

On top of all this, we are morally antithetical to one another. At a fundamental level, what I think it means to be a good person has nothing to do with what it means to her, and there's no compromising that.

I used to feel great anxiety at the prospect of never speaking to her again, I used to wrack my brain for a way that this could be a failing on my part, because if it's my fault, I'm just a bad daughter, maybe I can fix that.

I've made myself so small for her, I trimmed so much down, and masked the rest to look how she wanted it to, and she was *still* unhappy with me. There's nothing I can do to secure her love, it's too conditional, and frankly, I don't want to perform like that anymore.

So, when separating by any degree, no-contact or low-contact, over the years, I'd feel anxiety, self-reproach, guilt, shame, but I don't feel that this time - or - that may be a lie. I *do* feel those things, just not in the quantities I have before.

Mostly, though, I feel badly for her.

Things weren't awful all the time, she wasn't *always* terrible, and in fact, with my father living and breathing under the same roof, she was still my only remotely functional parent. It's not as though I don't have love for her - I was born with love for her. It comes naturally, inherently.

I keep thinking to myself that she didn't think life would turn out the way it did, and she must spend a lot of time very sad about that.

When she calls my sister, sobbing about how she can't seem to contact me, she's not crying because she misses me, she's crying because this wasn't how the story was meant to go.

As enmeshed as we were, and as masked as I was to her, she was unmasked to me, and I think I know her pretty well.

I think she lived under this impression that the high's of life were all that mattered, and if she just avoided thinking about things that caused her discomfort, they wouldn't happen; she'd be young and hot forever, she'd always be the most popular girl at school, the most likable boss bitch at work, she'd have this air of Dignified Woman about her, she'd be super lucky just the way she was born, cultured, well-traveled, charming, upper-middle class, and life would *look* a certain way.

But she didn't invest in the future, didn't save anything, spent wildly, and we lost our home in 2008. Soon after, she divorced the man she'd spent 30 years with, the both of them hating each other the entire time. Then her eldest went no-contact, then the ex-husband needed to do the same, and then her golden mini-me, her youngest 'abandons,' her just the same.

So, she doesn't live a lavish lifestyle with cosmopolitan friends on the Upper East Side, she works 3 jobs in Florida that she'll be working til she's in her 70's, her ex-husband won't risk being near her because he has minimal contact with their kids and feels that consorting with her will pass whatever contagion she has onto him and he'll lose what crumbs he considers a successful relationship with his daughters. (The guy also thinks he's a Good Father for not having beaten us regularly, so his metrics about what is quality is pretty questionable)

In her head, she had this idea - she'd marry this really handsome guy, and her love could Fix him, y'know? He was so angry, so sad, so 'damaged,' and they had such great physical chemistry while they were young, she'd make it work, so they'd *look* great together. He'd work a particular kind of job she got him (and he did, for 15 years), she'd work a high paying job too, and still do all the housework, keep everything trim and pretty, including herself and her kids. We'd be a perfect family unit, beautiful to look at, unburdened by profound societal despair or existential thinking, we'd all be socially acceptable, and lovely, and she'd retire at 60 with comfort, if not a friend in her husband than a partner at least, she'd certainly never feel alone, and that's not what happened.

Her family unit fell apart, because nothing meaningful was holding it together. She might argue that love was holding it together, but if the love is conditional, that foundation will invariably, eventually fail.

I think that's why it's not enough for her that she has all of her blood relatives rallying around her, validating her perpetual victimhood, telling her how much of a martyr she is, and how wronged she's been. The sympathy is fine, but it's not lasting, and that pitying attention may sustain her for a while, but then she's alone again, sitting in the ruins of the future she built for herself, not wanting to look inward at all, because to her, accountability is tantamount to personal attack. She won't look inward the same way she would never self-harm.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I get it. I get that, at 66, it has to be fucking heart-rending to look back on one's life thus far, and take stock, and think 'no, no, no, it wasn't supposed to be like this at all!'

It doesn't really matter that her expectations weren't rooted in reality. She maintained them, and so she's disappointed.

It's a sad affair, the entire thing. I feel badly for her. She thought she'd be young and hot forever, she thought the family unit she built and birthed would owe her complete, unwavering fealty, she thought she'd be so much more comfortable than she is, and here she is, full enough of self-pity to drown in it, unable or unwilling to recognize that she is the only one that can save herself.

It's not like she's at the end of her life or anything, if she wanted to change herself, and her life, and what it looks and feels like, she could do that. It would take focus, discipline, and frankly a lot of therapy, but it could be done. It's not like the wrap up music is playing.

Still, it won't be the life she dreamt of for herself, and when I think of her, I see this injured child, red-faced crying over dashed hopes. It's sad.

I need to stay away, because if I get near the crying child, she begs me to comfort her, and then scratches, punches, and claws at me, screams at me that her misery is all my fault, that I'm the one that abandoned this child and she'll never forgive that, she'll never forgive how heartless and cold I am, and all of that hurts very much, because she's *not* a child, she's my mother, and so when she says these things, yells, cries, transfers all that onto me, it wounds me.

My mother is looking for me, and I can't let her find me. At least, not right now. I don't have the emotional bandwidth for that sort of interaction right now.

There's no point to this really. I just had to put my thoughts down somewhere.