#i. i am having many emotions. sad about those i've lost but at the same time they're gone now aren't they. no use crying over it.

[phantoids]

end of the year again - a poem about reaching another year and the feelings that come with it a.k.a toby is having emotions about the year again

[spidernuggets]

Hey I just read your Jason x reader fic where y/n is the joker's daughter. First of all, that👏was👏awesome 👏, really I was feeling things and was destroyed when you used the sentence of the prompt. I was tearing up, and I don't normally do that, sooooooo. Yeah, you're damn good with your writing, keep it up.

Now, the reason why I'm doing this, I read it (both parts) like 1 hour ago, 10 mins after that Line without a hook from Rick Montgomery is playing on Spotify. I realized with a broken heart (you really got my feelings hanging from that fic) that it fits perfectly with the song, and it doesn't only works with one of them, it works with both jay and reader and the lyrics if you put attention to them it jumps from one to another.

Here's what I'm saying,(I'm just being delusional and overanalyzing everything) look:

I don't really give a damn about the way you touch me When we're alone You can hold my hand If no one's home

Here it's kinda both of them on the very final of part 2, like it says about the holding hands and touching when they're alone, but in a sense that they feel alone in the world without each other. But also the fact that y/n doesn't have anyone home, and from jays pov, how he felt betrayed with bruce, for knowing about her being his murderer's daughter.

Do you like it when I'm away? If I went and hurt my body, baby Would you love me the same?.

Right here, is the reader, specifically when she fights with Jay in the alley, but like, I feel that it's more like what she couldn't say to him, because she did what he asked, she moved away. At the same time the last 2 lines talk very well of how she lost everything, and I can also see a little hint of the robbery part, in the sense that she is hurting her "soul" or "essence" for lack of words.

I can feel all my bones coming back And I'm craving motion

JASON, do I have to say anything else? Like quite literally it's about resurrection, but emotions, don't forget about them, it's all the crushing rage he felt in the batcave, but also the hurting and the pain when he saw how little she had, when he realized how much she had suffered and how much he missed her.

Mama never really learns how to live by herself It's a curse And it's growing You're a pond and I'm an ocean

READER!! like are you seeing how many coincidences there are with this song! Analogy of mama, but it's actually "dad".

Personally, I've never understood the part of the pond and the ocean, but after this, it gave me a new look at it, from the readers pov, it's all the pain she caused jason, be it from the lies (quote to him), that she feels it's only growing, or could also be from the fact that jay thinks she like her dad and that she is much like poison (or curse) and it's eventually going to infect the kids or diane.

Oh, all my emotions Feel like explosions when you are around And I've found a way to kill the sounds, oh

Now this is both of them when they see each other again, but that last line, it works very differently, for jay it's rage and hatred, but for y/n it was blaming herself for everything, this before she reflected on herself, after that it's just numbness, seeing life gray, because what else could she do alone like she was?

Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you I need you here to stay I broke all my bones that day I found you Crying at the lake

Again both of them, but the reader is very good as an undertone of those 2 first lines, she is broken without him, without the only and very first person that loved her, I need you here to stay, it's the picture beside her bed, obviously.

The last two are very very very perfect on Jason, he is broken and sad when he saw her in that little rathole she called a "home", but the "...broke my bones...", it happens when she says that it was worse at the werehouse.

Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden? Oh, and if I could take it all back I swear that I would pull you from the tide

Jason begging for forgiveness, 🔛🔝📈📈📈.

Lats line specially about when he took her home, both before and after he found out.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa I said no (I said no), I said no (I said no) Listen close, it's a no The wind is a-pounding on my back And I found hope in a heart attack Oh at last, it is past Now I've got it, and you can't have it

I need another opinion here, it fits perfectly with both of them, but to be honest, It doesn't feel fair.

For reader it's in the alley screaming and shouting at him that she changed and understood that she it's not her father. She doesn't blame herself anymore (at least that what she says), she found hope of being better in a shattered heart.

Or jason, in the batcave, screaming and shouting how she betrayed him. Finding hope of not getting hurt anymore in his broken heart.

Both of them, both of the situations, let very clear the last line. "Now I've got it, and you can't have it".

Jason has his heart, she wasn't going to hurt him anymore, he's not gonna let her.

Reader finally has cleaned her conscience, and she's not going to let him take it away from her.

Baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you I need you here to stay I broke all my bones that day I found you Crying at the lake Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden, oh And if I could take it all back I swear that I would pull you from the tide

The same that I mentioned before.

Darling, when I'm fast asleep I've seen this person watching me Saying, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Tell me, is it worth it?" Oh

Now, we all know that the joker never leaves, be that he has clones (literally wtf dude), or be it the scruchiating trauma he leaves in all his victims.

Reader, is repeating the voice of her father saying that no one will love her truly, given her identity.

Jason is repeating his horrible death and torture, but in my little delusional mind, I also believe that he was imagining the joker mocking him when he realized who y/n really was. Thing that only boosts the voice she hears. Not to forget that he is actually suffering with these nights terrors just like the song inclines.

Guess there is something, and there is nothing There is nothing in between

Then again comes the numbness she felt in those lasts months.

Watching over me, he's singing "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a boy" He's singing, "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a line without a hook"

I know it should be jay, but I'm going to do a little genderbending, cause the joker is a constant bully for the reader, even when dead, and in her dreams, (like fr dude calm down) , the reasoning behind this, it's that Jason stoped loving for a good while, but, she didn't, and if you add the constant remainder of "no one is gonna love you" with a good reason she is the owner of this verse.

Baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you I need you here to stay I broke all my bones that day I found you Crying at the lake Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden, oh And if I could take it all back I swear that I would pull you from the tide

The song ends yet again but with the chorus, but the very last line resonates with me, because of Jason wanting her back and actually putting an effort to understand her again after all the pain both of them suffered.

It ends with a happy feeling I think, if not at least optimistic.

I'm really sorry, it's too long, haha I really went into easy mode, hope it is not a burden. And if it isn't clear by now, I loved your fic, you had me in a chokehold all the damn time

STARLET, WHEN I CATCH YOU STARLET. STARLET, WHEN I CATCH YOU, STARLET.

Oh, my bleeding days, you probably dissected the fanfic even further than I could've imagined.

I SHIT YOU NOT, I WAS GONNA PUT LINE WITHOUT A HOOK INTO MY LYRIC PROMPT LIST. But i was like, ughhhh, the lyrics, THE LYRICS!!!! Ricky Montgomery's lyrics to that song were MWAHHHH. I was like, man I can't just copy ajd paste the whole song onto the list!!

I also thought that the whole song itself would be such a good prompt for an entire fanfic!! But the first part of the fic was so much longer than the others I've written, and since I've a packed schedule, I knew I wouldn't get the fic done if someone were to request the song.

But you've explained the fic together with the song so beautifully!! Like I know you were basing the song and fic with each other, but BRO YOU ALLOST MADE ME CRY!!

NOW LISTEN, LISTEN HERE!!!

You've used the whole song, comparing it to moments in the fic. But we add in one more verse- The verse from Line Without a Hook ft. mxmtoon!!!

And I know that you know Listen close and move slow I can't speak fast or else I'll crack

I feel you link lyrics and the fic better than I would, but my interpretation would be READERRRR yelling at Jason in the alley. Like, she's trying so hard to convince him that she's not the Joker, and she doesn't wanna cry in front of him again!!! "And I know that you know," maybe deep down, Reader knows Jason believes what she's saying, but Joker put Jason through so much, his head is just filled with trauma and rage!!

It's the price I pay for going back And I've dreamed to be seen Now I've got it, do I want it?

"It's the price I pay for going back," When Reader goes back to the soup kitchen, and Jason's all pissed off at her, but Reader just wanted to see Diane and the kids again :((

"And I've dreamed to be seen, Now I've got it, do I want it," Reader tried so long to tell Jason the truth, but like it all ended up badly when Jason was rewatching the footage of him. And it just ended up with Reader being scared of him when he started screaming and yelling at her.

And it teeny tiny bit ties in with the end of part 1 where it's like, the identity of Reader being the Joker's daughter wouldn't be mentioned at ALL since Joker never revealed he had a kid in the first place!!

So even though she had known Diane, the kids, and Jason for a good while, no one really knew who she really was.

But she regrets it when she finds out her dad was "right" :((

THERE WAS A TIKTOK SOUND THAT MASHED UP THE MXMTOON'S VERSE WITH RICKY'S AND IT GOES SO WELL WITH THIS PROMPT BUT THE SOUNDS GONE RAAAHHH

AND DONT BE SORRY THAT YOUR THOUGHT IS LONG!! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HEARING OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINION AND IDEAS OF MY WRITING AND IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKED IT!!

[thelukesalvez]

Mass Shootings in Lewiston, ME

Hi all, I just wanted to pop on & say a few things about the recent tragedies unfolding in Maine. This post was not made with the intent of polarization. But as many of you know, I'm a writer. And as I remain locked down, helpless while businesses and schools close, helicopters fly over my apartment and cop cars surround my community, writing this felt like the only reasonable outlet for me. Normally, I would keep something like this private. But coming together right now felt important, and this blog has historically been a place where I have been able to receive some engagement. I realize that this is not my usual content, but I write this with hopes that it will reach at least a few of you grappling with the same grief and loss that I feel and elicit some sort of connection in such dark times.

*Trigger warning for mentions of gun violence, mass shootings, and death*

I've lived in Maine my entire life. This state, it's people, & everything associated with it has been my home & heart for nearly 27 years. The entire state has a population of 1.3 million people. That's 1.4 less than the city of Chicago, 2.5 million less than Los Angeles, and 7.2 million less than New York City. Lewiston is the second largest city in Maine with a population of 35,000 people. For some perspective, Gillette stadium in Foxborough, MA can hold nearly 66,000 people, and SoFi stadium in Los Angeles can hold about 70,000.

My point with all the statistics is that Maine is small. Our communities are tight knit, and I truly mean it when I say that everybody knows everybody.

And last night, a man walked into Schemengees Bar and Grille and the Just-In-Time Recreation bowling alley in Lewiston, Maine and opened fire with an automatic rifle, killing 18 people and injuring 13 others. The impact of this tragedy will extend across the state- and probably all of New England.

And as the manhunt for the mass shooting suspect unfolds around me, I have many emotions flowing through my body. I am terrified, I am angry, I am grieving. I am frustrated, confused, and sad. I am disgusted, I am stressed, I am worried. But mostly, I am heartbroken; heartbroken for the community I love. Heartbroken for the victims and lives that were lost last night. Heartbroken for humanity.

I have been absolutely appalled to watch the act of violence committed in Lewiston last night unfold in front of me for the last 24 hours. I grew up in Turner, a small town neighboring Lewiston/Auburn and have many friends and family members still living in the area. I struggle stating this because my intent is not to make this tragedy about me. Because it is certainly not. But I'm writing this from my perspective as someone who was indirectly impacted, and I feel like it's important to remind everyone that gun violence and hate does not discriminate.

For the entire year of 2022, Maine had 29 reported homicides. It is statistically one of the (if not the) safest states in the country (to the point where I don't even lock my door most nights). Maine has always had this aura of innocence. Despite the state of the world and the way gun violence has been steadily increasing for my entire life, I have always found some solace and comfort in the fact that I live in Maine. Because despite the sorrow and grief I felt when I learned of Sandy Hook, Route 91, Virginia Tech, Pulse night club, Uvalde, Sutherland Springs, El Paso (you get the point), I could move forward and live my life. Because as awful as those shootings were, things like that didn't happen in Maine.

Until, of course, they do.

In a single evening, in a span of 24 hours, one man has completely ripped away that layer of safety from me and everyone else I know and love. Because a mass shooting did happen here. And it can happen anywhere.

I could write about how it's easier to buy a gun than Sudafed in Maine. I could write about how I feel about politicians who support the NRA with corrupt intentions despite how many lives have been lost to gun violence in America. I could also write about how Maine has high gun ownership, but extremely low firearm death rates, which makes me wonder if maybe our focus to blame is a bit off. I could write about how no matter what the crime rates in a state are, no one should have access to an AR.

But the truth is, I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending like these are new conversations. I'm tired of having the same debates every time this happens. Liberals vs. Conservatives, Republicans vs. Democrats, the second amendment vs. gun control. I'm tired of conversations about the mental health crisis- about politicians blaming gun violence on symptoms of mental health but then proceeding to vote against policies that would increase access and funding to mental health programing. I'm tired, tired, tired.

And 18 people are dead.

18 people whose lives mattered and deserved to be lived.

18 people who were parents and siblings and children.

18 people who were friends and coworkers.

18 people who were human beings.

And in addition to those 18 lives lost, there are even more injured. Some physically- even more emotionally. A little girl grazed by a bullet was brave enough to go on national TV and ask why? Why do people do this?

Why, indeed? In times of tragedy, our brains crave answers. Why did this happen? Who let this happen? Were there warning signs? The answer is almost always yes. And in this case, based on current reports, it sounds like in addition to active mental health symptoms, direct threats had been made by the suspect in the past about intent to harm. That makes it easy to point fingers. How did his family miss this? Why didn't mental health professionals act? Why was he released from the hospital if he was thought to be dangerous?

But the tragic truth is that this is so much deeper than those questions pose. And as much as our brains and hearts crave answers, playing the blame game will do nothing for us.

Stricter gun laws and removing access to AR-15s is a good start that I fully support. So go ahead and sign the petitions, write to your representatives. I certainly have, and will continue to do so. But don't be surprised if that only places a band-aid over the gaping, hemorrhaging wound that is humanity in America right now.

The truth is, I don't know what the answers are. Is it eliminating access to AR-15s? Monitoring who can buy and own weapons based on stricter background checks? Is it increasing access to mental health services? Increasing incentives for people to become mental health providers? Is this all just the unfolding, unstoppable result of human suffering and toxic stress in America?

What I do know is that my community, my home, has experienced the nation's tenth worst mass shooting in modern history. Lewiston, Maine and the lives lost last night are more than just another tragic story of gun violence in America. It's more than the 565th mass shooting in America this year, to be followed by a 566th and 567th. It's more than just a statistic. Right now the news is buzzing. People are talking, stories are being shared. But a few weeks from now, that will inevitably die down.

Lives will go on, because it didn't happen to you. It will never happen to you.

Until, of course, it does.

So please take care of yourselves, take care of your loved ones, take care of your friends and neighbors and acquaintances. And most importantly, have empathy and compassion for all.

[kurisus]

Chapter 104-2 thoughts

We're truly in the endgame now, and with this, there are only three full chapters left. Scary thought. Spoilers under the cut.

So first off, whether or not you've seen my posts about the manga ending, I won't bore you with the 8000 words of me being upset that I could easily churn out, but in summary (a) I am sad and (b) there's plenty of time left to wrap everything up, don't worry.

With that out of the way, let's talk about the chapter itself. Last time left off with the creation of a new dimension (via a wish) that seems to have sealed our main characters inside, with others unable to enter it.

As I correctly predicted, the house I spotted is the house in which Father raised Nora and Yato, both of whom have reverted to their weakest forms. Since trash dad is all-powerful here, he was able to force Yato into a kid (who is unable to fight back as easily) and Nora as the embryo-esque water monster she was before being named by the koto no ha. Yukine has also become the wolf (though tbh I think we all thought it was a cat) he was starting to turn into whenever he lost control of himself, right before Father named him and again when he was fighting Yato. I'm interested to see what Hiyori will look like. Perhaps her ayakashi form from the hospital chapters? I've been saying for years that we're not done seeing that form, so now would be a prime time to bring it back.

I'm interested in what trash dad classifies as "those sacrificed" to birth Japan. The Emishi, an indigenous people assimilated into the larger Shinto pantheon? The spirits who became corrupted and turned into ayakashi instead of being named as shinki? All the souls of the dead, regardless of whether they turned into ayakashi or not? Something else? The creatures we've seen (can we call them koto no creatures or something?) don't look like any characters we know, despite having rather distinctive appearances.

Whatever they are, the art was cool as fuck this chapter. For some reason I thought being this close to the end meant we wouldn't get any new monsters introduced, but apparently not.

With having Izanami's crest over their eyes and wrists, they're clearly of Yomi, so my inclination is to say they're ayakashi, given a more human form in trash dad's weird dimension bubble. They're also bad news in Yato's eyes, considering his desperation to drag Nora away. From Shiigun's POV, we can also see the creatures clawing at the surface of the water, showing they're able to leave this dimension, where I guess they'll zombie-fy all of humanity unless the main characters stop Father.

One thing I'm really interested in is, when trash dad was choking Yato out, he recalled of all panels the one where he's crying. Yato looked terrified when he was doing that, and even had the thought "I'm scared," so my thought is it's because trash dad said "Your father will always be on your side" at that time. Yato has realized that was always a lie, he was only ever a tool, and he has now outlived his usefulness. His father will kill him, and kill Nora, and everyone else who gets in his way, so he can pretend he fixed his issues all those centuries ago.

Side note, Father said there are no reincarnations in this world. I wonder if he thinks Yato is able to reincarnate in the regular world? Which would mean Hiyori's belief is enough to bring him back even if he dies, which I really hope he doesn't.

So, speaking of which, Yukine to the rescue. My god I have so many emotions about this. Yato's last thoughts being "Why...?" the same as Yukine's final thoughts. Yukine breaking out of the fridge like he never was able to, in a burst of cherry blossoms, to save the only real father he ever had. Yall mind if I [gets put in a hydraulic press]

Yukine has resolved his internal struggle about not existing in the world--he's happy to exist as he is, by the side of people who care about him.

His whole monologue, and the raw feeling of seeing his bloodied fingernails, really drives home the horror of his existence as a character. I'm trying to write something that isn't just summarizing what Yukine himself said, and failing. He said it all perfectly.

And thus concludes his character arc, although as I have stated repeatedly I really want to know what became of his father. Since they're in this dimension surrounded by what could be corrupted spirits of the dead, I wonder if his father will appear among them. Or if they're saving that for an epilogue-type thing? But if it's left unanswered, I won't complain, because that will mean the fic I wrote back in 2020 hasn't been disproven, lolol.

Anyway, there's a lot to appreciate this chapter, from driving Father's viewpoint that his "kids" were tools home to Yukine standing up to an abusive father figure, but it's hard to come up with the words for what that means to me. I'll probably just reblog a bunch of posts with various incoherent sobbing noises in the tags.

HIYORI SAKURA INTERACTION NEXT MONTH PLEASE I want the psychic damage of that

[femmefatalevibe]

Hi Femme! I always refer to your blog as the award winning blog because of how good your advice is. You’re changing lives! I hope you’re doing great this week!!

I have a question about how to feel young and youthful? Unfortunately due to trauma of my past and adultifcation (I began taking care of my mom at 17 due to medical reasons she has)- I feel old.

I’m nearly 26 and I can’t connect to people my age because I had to grow up fast and I’m mentally so much older and mature than most people my age. Because of this I get so sad and frustrated.

I try everything to try and connect with people my age but they either don’t want to hang out with me because of my responsibilities (I still take care of her and sometimes I am not available to hang out). And those old friends would mock me for taking care of my mom or throw it in my face that I have too much I’m dealing with. They have little to no responsibilities so I’m left by myself. I noticed a pattern.

So now I just FEEL old.

I don’t know what I can do to get genuine friendships for my situation (maybe having older friends— mid late twenties etc). Or maybe it’s the spaces I’m in? I want to travel and be around more like minded ambitious people for my field of work (journalism/events).

I also want to feel young, like my age. Idk what I would have to do activity wise or etc. I’m at a lost and so depressed.

I go to work and I’m the oldest cause it’s summer jobs and I’m surrounded by 15- 20 year olds and I chat and I’m nice but I can’t connect like that and they don’t with me.

I always knew something was different about me because of my trauma and what it’s done.

Thank you a bunch! :)

Hi love! Oh my gosh, this comment made my day. Thank you so much for these kind and supportive words! So glad to hear you find my content/advice to be highly valuable <3 Hope that you're having a great week as well!

As a fellow parentified child/teen in the same age bracket, I empathize with you regarding how to feel young, youthful, and feeling our age. For context, most of my friends tell me they think of me as their mid-30s-something friend (lol), so I know the feeling of being jaded and overly deliberate with your time, energy, and actions. If these people are in their mid-20s, it honestly says more about them than you that they're judging or resorting to mocking the fact you take your responsibilities seriously. So many people our age have full-time jobs, households to run (single, in a relationship, even married with kids), and all of the logistics that come with being an adult – albeit being in the "young person" category. These people sound immature for their age, honestly.

I would say the best ways I've found to feel a bit younger and more youthful include:

Taking time to let loose and enjoy the moment

Dancing around in your room without a care in the world

Engaging in some child-like activities you enjoy such as drawing, painting, or pottery

Having a fun and dynamic dating life

Going out for fun dinners, drinks, lunch, or coffee dates

Taking a workout or dance class

Strolling around the streets with fun music and an iced coffee

Going to a dog park or playing with friends/families' animals, etc.

Consider how much of an advantage we have when choosing to indulge in these activities: We have the wisdom to deliberately and more strategically enjoy these pleasures rather than partake in these activities from an ignorant headspace, which can lead to more negative or potentially dangerous situations. Understanding that engaging in this carefree headspace at certain times is essential for your mental health reframed my perspective and was a game-changer in my happiness levels, honestly. I hope this insight invites a similar positive change for you as well.

Reconnect with your childhood dreams and aspirations. Consider how you can explore them now that you have the emotional maturity and legal freedoms of adulthood. It's never too late to make even the smallest steps to actualizing these dreams. For example, getting a stuffed animal that reminds you of the pet you always wanted growing up. It can be a healing, self-nourishing experience even if it sounds a bit silly on the surface.

For finding friends you connect with, I would say the late 20s/early 30s tends to be the sweet spot, too. Some ways I think are beneficial to connect with like-minded people in this mid-20s-early 30s age group with similar goals are to:

Go to meetups, events, panels, exhibits, etc. pertaining to your current/desired field and interests

Join clubs and take classes/workshops in your areas of interest. Go to the same workout studios/art workshops/coffee shops/bars, nail salons, etc. you love regularly. Seeing familiar faces often will invite you both to eventually strike up a conversation – you already know you have something in common

Network both in IRL through events/people you meet and even on LinkedIn to see if you can invite people for informational interviews/informal coffee chats (either in person or over a video call). It's a win-win situation because you both get to expand your networks and sometimes, you just click!

If you haven't read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson and Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nakazawa yet, I HIGHLY recommend them!

Hope this helps xx

[ein-liebloser-wanderer]

Omg I can't stop reading your silent orchestra and nothing there fics they are absolutely amazing<33 also I am curious about your red buddy hcs, so can I request them?

I've been feeling down lately, so reading this felt nice. Thank you, love. This blog wouldn't exist without readers like you~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

⸸ F-02-?? -- Yandere Headcanons ⸸

(A Yandere AU of Lobotomy Corporation where I made as many Abnormalities into humanoids I find aesthetically pleasing, so you know...OOC and fanon are to be expected.)

⸸ Warning: yanderes are their own warning, dark themes, abusive relationships, codependence, masochism (not of the sexual variety you perv), slight gore

⸸ Often, it takes the form of someone adorable. A helpless little angel, with wide eyes that look at the world with fear.

⸸ The poor pup would go far and wide to be acknowledged, would reach the ends of the world just to feel its master's touch and hear their praise.

⸸ All he wants is to please you. In return, please...just come see him. With more warmth, more care, more of those caresses that only your gentle hands could give.

⸸ You might ask, 'Where is his shame? Does he have no dignity at all?' No. He lost all of that the moment he allowed his former master to treat him less than the ground he stands on.

⸸ He is so lonely, so afraid, so tired of waiting for someone that would never love him. He'll do anything for you if it means you could take that place.

⸸ And you will love him...won't you?

⸸ You won't just be another cruel master like that man, right?

⸸ He can be so needy. He can be clingy. It was pathetic, really. His former master had no inhibitions to call him out for it, so he wouldn't be surprised at all if you felt the same way.

⸸ One day, you might lash out at him for it. In fact, he wanted you to.

⸸ For now, you might find his weakness cute, or sad, or at the very least, pitiful. But sooner or later, those emotions will change, and it will turn into disgust and scorn.

⸸ You'll no longer find him endearing, but a nuisance. A burden.

⸸ But even if you were to beat him down to the ground, even if you were to burn him, scald him, graft his flesh until you see the ivory of his bones, he'll still think, 'They're paying attention to me! They're paying attention to me!'

⸸ That would still be better than being ignored, abandoned.

⸸ He can't stand it. Being apart from you is killing him. Anything would be better than having to wait everyday, waiting for you to come.

"So please...come. Just come, just come, just come! I want to see you."

⸸ Days might pass without receiving any incidents from Reddened Buddy. From the small window of his containment door, you might see him patiently still sitting inside his unit, looking at the door as if he knows you are there.

⸸ But one day, you will see it. The red, glaring scars. The flaying skin. The blood caked over patches of his body.

⸸ He'll smile upon seeing you...and behind it, you'll see sharp, big teeth just itching to bite.

'If I were to become the Big Bad Wolf, will you finally pay attention to me?'

~ ~ ~ End ~ ~ ~

⸸ Art from DeviantArt by Sammym8

[satellitesoundwave]

Top five ships ofc!!

sorry for the late response anon! i thought i’d posted this but turned out it was still in my drafts whoops

okay. to keep things fresh and interesting i’ll exclude ships i already picked for the idw dynamics ask:

5) this high up the list it's pretty variable, but rn I'm gonna say Getaway/Skids. i like the knife twist potential of them having been together, and that being one more thing that disappeared when Skids lost his memories. it ties easily into Getaway's jealous streak. also, if they were like in love in love, i think them reuniting only for Getaway to discover how completely he's been wiped away - and replaced, what with Skids' new closeness to several people on the Lost Light - would interact with Getaway's need to be important and special (or, hmm, maybe 'distinct' would be more accurate?) in an explosive way. it’s one of those scenarios that’s fun to think about for the sad and awful potential

4) Starscream/Rodimus bc a. the comedy potential here is insane lmao, Rodimus is often tactlessly authentic and Starscream expects everyone around him to be playing 4d psychological chess. and b. i think the two of them bouncing off each other genuinely could be interesting? Starscream is hyper alert for people manipulating/taking advantage in a particular way, but it's one that Rodimus doesn’t really do. also, Rodimus is very emotionally driven in both his decision making and his moral compass, and while it doesn't do him any favours when it comes to attempts to manipulate him that are short term with quick payoffs, I think it would actually make it difficult to truly lead him down a path he's not naturally inclined to take. imo Rodimus' acting on his emotions+feeling faster than he can think disposition could make him immune to some of Starscream's bullshit. this incompatibility between them might cause interactions with each other to go a very different way than is typical for either of them with other people, which i think could be interesting to explore

3) Megatron/Optimus. TFP was my entry point for getting really into tf, and i've always enjoyed ships where they're enemies now, but they used to be lovers who had no choice but to split over irreconcilable philosophical differences. I was an easy sell on this one

2) Drift/Rodimus. tho tbh i still haven't quite found my ideal angle on this ship yet (which is why the sequel to Hope (and other bad jokes) has stalled out. i could go into a whole essay on how i think about characterisation and the whats & whys of Rodimus' motivations proving unexpectedly slippery, but i'm not sure you signed on to take that thousand word detour anon haha)

1) Jazz/Soundwave. the ultimate. the ideal. i've said before about how for tf i get more attached to individuals than dynamics, and i am blessed to be interested in both Soundwave and Jazz independently and fascinated by the ways they can play off each other. they have a fantastic balance of similarities (they are both very competent!! i cannot tell you how important that is here, competence is the #1 thing that appeals to me about a character), and many of the ways they diverge are mirrored, like it's the opposite direction taken but still the same road (preferred approach to their job, sound/music theming). the ships i think about most tend to be ones where the dynamic pushes the characters to be more themself, the connection intensifying both their good qualities and their bad ones, and jazzwave lends itself readily to this. truly the perfect ship for me

[septembersghost]

Hi! :) Just wanted to say I finally got around to watching Bates Motel (finished season 4 today, so, a whole more season to go) and oh my goodness, I am BLOWN to pieces already. I think the last couple of episodes of season 4 will stay with me forever, Norman going full on insane and poisoning Norma, Romero's grief, the funeral scene and then, of course, the final one with the... body and Chritmas hallucinations. I just sat there for whole twenty minutes in total shock after the credits and cried. It was so nerve wrecking, devastating, sad and horrifying at the same time, and the acting and emotions are just PHENOMENAL. I don't think I'm quite ready for season 5, to be honest, but I already want to rewatch the whole show later. Um, I hope it's okay to talk to you about this. I remembered you said you loved Bates Motel and I want to say this again, YOUR TASTE ROCKS. I see why it left such a huge impact on you and I feel like it's already left an impact on me too. CHILLS. I love this, and I hate this, because the show is so beautifully made and the atmosphere is just... chef's kiss, I loved how many emotions it made me feel but god is it terrifying. P.S. After I'm finished get ready to me reblogging a whole bunch of Bates Motel content from your blog, because 1) I'm wrecked and 2) I've always loved YOUR posts and analysis, and I really want to know your thoughts. Also, if there are some articles\posts\analysis written by you or other people which you love and think are important, I would LOVE to read those as well. No pressure of course! P.P.S. Dylan and Emma are my darlings, they are so sweet together my heart melts, I love them and worry about them :(

hello my darling!!! it is ALWAYS okay to talk to me about things, and ahhhhh i love being able to share them. SO SPOOKY BECAUSE I WAS THINKING ABOUT BATES MOTEL THIS MORNING. (i still have not finished it. three episodes to go and i keep holding onto them...inexplicable behavior.) instead of finishing it, i looped back around and was rewatching it, and i need to go back to that.

the last two episodes of S4, i feel like i could write copious essays about them. they're just some of the most masterful television i've ever seen. every adjective you used: nerve-wracking, devastating, horrifying. tragic and yet rendered with such poignancy. the scene of norman quietly, deliberately walking through the hushed house, closing the vents, the eerie strains of mr. sandman playing over it, the flame of the pilot light, shots of the empty rooms already haunted, is on my list of top searing images rendered in a show. and it's so, so much more effective and impactful that what he's doing isn't out of rage or hatred, but out of a terribly warped sense of love, dedication, and protection. he isn't trying to destroy her because he hates her, because he feels suffocated by her, but because he's so lost that he believes they're too broken, he believes this will give them peace and reunion. it wouldn't be nearly as moving if he were acting out of anything but that distorted love. then his eulogy. the graveyard. the house and motel transforming for christmas. it's kind of a perfect distillation of modern gothic horror, because it's gruesome and cataclysmic, but somehow beautiful. and oh, alex romero. his searing agonizing grief and his mad rage. what really crushes me is both of these men, though they proclaim love and devotion to her, never entirely view norma as her own autonomous being - norma is always filtered through their needs and desires, their idealizations of her, the pedestals they want to put her on, the dreams they have of and for her. norma, in the entirety of who she is, only exists for us. the audience. we see her, and know her, in her whole self, with her agency, apart from the various men circling her, using her, wanting things from her, and there's nothing we can do to save her. we know going in that the basement awaits. the show's greatest magic trick is in getting us to sympathize and fall in love with her so that the impact of wrenching her away is still shocking and unfair. i sat in numb silence and shock after the end of 4x09, and wept after 4x10.

I remembered you said you loved Bates Motel and I want to say this again, YOUR TASTE ROCKS. 🥺😭💔💖 thank you so much, this makes me so happy (can we say that in this context?!) and is an honor.

I love this, and I hate this, because the show is so beautifully made and the atmosphere is just... chef's kiss, I loved how many emotions it made me feel but god is it terrifying. same on all counts.

my #bates motel tag is open to any time, there's always a vacancy for you. 😉 i'm certain there's good meta on here (unfortunately a lot of blogs are inactive or deactivated), i feel like i probably have some posts, but the only ones i could pull up quickly were my own? this one, on norma, and a simple one of literary references. if you find more, please send them my way too! i would love to read them and any more of your thoughts you'd like to share!!!

P.P.S. Dylan and Emma are my darlings, they are so sweet together my heart melts, I love them and worry about them :( something that took me quite by surprise was how much i grew to care about and empathize with both dylan and romero (emma's a sweetie from the beginning!), you wouldn't necessarily expect it, and yet the show did such a phenomenal job of building each character's depth and humanity, and really exploring the layers to them, why they do what they do, without the need to vilify them (the same being most prominently true of norma and norman themselves), and i respect that writing immensely, even when it's difficult and terrifying, it never forgets the human element.

[redwinterroses]

I'm gonna ramble a bit under the cut -- mainly just to get my own brain emptied out so I can go to bed. :) Have a good night, all.

I have really... messy, complicated emotions going on right now. Like, on the one hand: I've only in the last couple of weeks even regularly started watching Techno's vids/vods. Obviously I've been aware of him longer than that, and I've watched some old stuff, but I never watched a stream live, and most of my knowledge comes second or third hand. My biggest "ah yes, I like Techno" feelings come from fics. So like, not even the real guy. Just a fictional version of him.

So I feel... ya know, I feel as though I don't really have the right to grieve? Like... I almost feel guilty over it. Like walking into a room and going "Oh, I am not supposed to be here." And before anyone messages or replies: I know that's silly. I'm aware. Emotions are never logical. Knowing that it's a ridiculous guilt to have doesn't make it go away.

But on the other hand... Man. He's the same age as my baby sister. I can't... I can't imagine losing someone that young. Actually, no, that's a lie. I have a very good imagination. I can imagine it. And even just the imagining is nearly unbearable. What his family has to be going through, what his friends have to be going through... my heart hurts for them.

My heart hurts for his fans -- not me, but his real fans, the ones who are just reeling right now. So many of his fans are literally children, and this may be their first brush with death. There are so many hurting kids tonight, and I just want to bundle them all up in a blanket, hand them a tissue and wrap my arm around their shoulder and tell them, "It gets better. I swear. It feels like there's a hole in your gut right now, and maybe you're angry, or maybe you're crying, or maybe you're numb because your emotions don't know what to do so they're protecting you by doing nothing. Any and all of that is okay. But I promise that it won't hurt like this forever, and someday -- probably a lot sooner than you think -- memories and stories will give you more nostalgic joy than grief. It's okay to hurt, and it's okay to know that as big as this feels in the moment, you'll grow to contain it."

Grief never really gets smaller. But you grow around it. People that I've lost -- Mr Tony, who gave me peppermints from his pocket every Sunday, or Mr Hank, who had a beautiful singing voice and called me Sister, or Ms Becky, who had such a joy of teaching and introduced me to fried green beans... Them being gone still... I wouldn't say hurts. It itches, somewhere deep down. But I smiled just now when I was typing about them, because thinking of those memories is a happy thing.

I don't know how to process Techno's passing. I'll be honest. There's a big piece of me that just wants to despair about it. Cancer and the death of young people and death in general are such rotting and corrupted parts of our world. It sucks. It sucks that he was so young. It sucks that cancer exists. It sucks that thousands of kids are hurting and feeling lost tonight. It sucks that I don't know how to process my own emotions about this. It sucks that I'm probably not going to be able to sleep well tonight. It sucks that Techno's family and friends are going to be dealing with this hole in their lives for a long time. Just generally... it sucks.

And I'm a Christian. It's not something I talk about very often, but I don't make a secret about it either -- I believe there is hope and life after death. I believe that the world will one day be restored to a state that doesn't have cancer, that doesn't have death, that doesn't have people losing their sons and their friends. But even though I truly believe that with all my heart... that doesn't make the sadness or the bewildering emotions any easier to deal with in the moment.

I dunno, man. This whole thing hit me like a punch in the gut, and on some level I don't know how to process it. It's like I'm... intruding on something that's not mine to feel. I admire Techno. I think he was a kind guy with a wicked sense of humor and a fantastic voice. I think his fans have created some of the best mcyt fan-content I've seen. I think that if any of those fans need an inbox to talk to or a digital shoulder to cry on, I can try to be that for them. I think I'm going to have to go back and watch a bunch of old videos because I want to get to know Techno's legacy better.

And... I think that for tonight, that's going to have to be enough.

[the-writers-bookshelf]

Hi Aubrey! First, I love your blog ❤️ everything here is just so inspirational and you are so kind, so I just wanted to get your thoughts on something. I struggle a lot with emotional consistency in my writing. For context, I write in third person - never really enjoyed first person in my own writing. And I am certainly not one to outline, I just come up with an idea and let the story build itself. And while I write almost daily, I do take breaks mid scene and have to pick back up where I left off later on and sometimes I feel like an entirely different person between the first half of a chapter and the last and I think my own mood influences a lot of this. So I'll just churn out content that is a mixture of angry, then sad, then almost poetic. And while sometimes this works fine for the plot, some of it absolutely doesn't and my characterization will be all over the place. A lot of this can be fixed in edits, I know, and I do pay extra attention to it then and make adjustments. I'm just not sure if this is something other people struggle with as well and I was just wondering if you had any tips for how to manage this a bit better. Thank you for listening and for what you do for all of us. I hope you're having a wonderful day. Be well ❤️

Hi lovely!! You are so sweet for sending such a kind message! ♥

Okay, so a couple things jumped out at me right away when reading your message.

1 - Embrace the mess

As a pantser, you already know it will be messy and that's TOTALLY fine! You already know you can make changes, and you already make those necessary edits.

I think every writer has days where their emotions are all over the place. Look at 2020 and how many people struggled to write because they were stressed, anxious, exhausted, angry, etc. about the pandemic.

Tapping into your emotions like this is a GOOD thing! Yes, it's messy, but it's going to be that way anyway because that's your process!

2 - The muse is never consistent

Every writing session is not going to be the same and that's perfectly normal. Some days, it's a struggle to get 100 words on the page just because you feel BLAH. Other days, your muse will soar.

I ALWAYS struggle at the 30k point in my stories. Everything drags, goes flat and lackluster. I've tried so many ways around it but that's just part of my process.

What I'm seeing in your message is actually advantageous to you, because you can mine your manuscript for those times when you are ON. When you're emotionally connected to your piece, you can bring out those emotions in your reader for an extra kick.

That's a really good thing!

3 - Trust yourself and your process

I think it's really easy to get caught up in our own heads as writers. Are we doing this whole writing thing *right?* Do other people struggle with this? Am I making this harder than it has to be?

Any method that gets your words on the page is a good writing process. That's how your creativity works. That's how your brain works.

As long as your story is being written and you're not blocking yourself, that's the only requirement for your process! Let yourself lean into it!

I never know where I'm going in my writing. I never know the end. And I always feel a little rambly and lost. Which makes me question myself and feel like a sham because I can't POSSIBLY be a decent writer if I don't know how my own story ends!!!

Then I reach that final scene. I scrape the strings together. It's agonizing and slow but I still get there.

Let yourself flow with your process because you'll get to where you're going eventually! ♥

4 - Leave notes to yourself

You mentioned that you're a pantser, but have you considered leaving notes for yourself at the end of a writing session? It can just be a few lines about where you intended to go with it. Then, when you pick up writing again, it might put you in the same headspace/tone so you can maintain that mood/pace.

5 - Practice

Some of this might come down to practice. The more you write, you might be able to pick up where you left off in the same tone.

I worked as a virtual assistant for about a year and in that time, I wrote in many different voices for my clients. I had to look at their previous blogs, newsletters, etc. and pick up their unique voice so I could write more content for them. I had to become a chameleon with my words, morphing them into a crisp professional tone, or super preppy and bright, or new age/spiritual/hippy.

It might be the same for you. After so many years of becoming familiar with your process, you might take one look at your page, recognize the emotions in your words, and emulate them again with practice!

I hope some of that helps! You've got this! ♥

[parkitaco]

“i miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain and it’s 2 am and i’m cursing your name you’re so in love that you act insane” - the way i loved you and byler!

---

Will Byers is familiar with the concept of wishing. He wishes for a lot of things- for a normal life, free of monsters that are dead-set on killing him, for some unknown reason. For a world that didn't hate him so fundamentally for so many reasons. For a reality in which he could have the things he wants - things like DnD campaigns in the Wheeler's basement and Novembers that serve as more than a reminder of what he's been through and, okay, yes, the boy he loves.

Sometimes, though, he swears that the thing he wishes for most of all is the ability to hate Mike Wheeler.

Which- sounds horrible, but Will's been called a monster his entire life and he's never denied it, so whatever. He loves Mike, and he loves loving him, but in situations like these where he's standing in the rain and they're screaming at each other, he really, really wishes he could hate him for the way he's acted. It's irrational and contradictory and a million other things, and if Will had access to, like, a magic genie lamp or something along those lines, he'd probably wish for something more sensible like for the world to stop ending or whatever, but Mike is constantly irrational and contradictory and stupid so Will thinks that maybe he deserves to be a little bit, too.

"You lied to me," Mike is saying, over and over now, not seeming to know what else to say. He's run out of words, which is rare for Mike, and Will can see the tears on his face through the spore-filled rain. "You lied, Will!"

"I know!" Will explodes, glaring at him. "I know I did, and I'm sorry, okay? But don't act like this is all on me, you are the one who couldn't tell your girlfriend of two years you loved her, and I'm almost positive that you can't blame me for that one."

"Maybe there was a reason, Will! Ever think of that?"

"Mike, I've been trying to figure out the messed-up logic of your brain for the better part of a decade. I'm sick of it, okay? Yes, it occurred to me, but you didn't tell me and I am fucking tired of having to ask."

Mike swallows, his face shifting from anger to something a little more panicked. "Will, I- it's hard, okay? I- I care about El, but I- I feel so much more- I didn't even know I could feel this much, actually, for- for someone who-"

He cuts himself off, looking overwhelmed and sad and scared in the rain, and Will wants to hold him close and brush his tears away with his fingertips and tell him it's okay, whatever it is, but feelings like that are what put them in this situation in the first place, so he holds onto his last tendrils of anger and asks, "For someone who what, Mike?"

Mike hesitates for the briefest of seconds, twitchy and panicked and unsure of himself, before he lurches forward like his body is acting independently from his brain and plants his lips on Will's.

It's not gentle or sweet or anything Will had hoped from it, and he barely has time to process, to grab Mike's waist and kiss him back firmly, anger and confusion and so, so much love swirling in his chest and getting lost somewhere between their lips, before Mike pulls away.

"I'm sorry," Mike pants, and then he's turning on his heel and storming off in the direction of the Wheeler's garage, water soaking his hair and clothes and Will can't even move because Mike is-

Mike is insane, actually, that's the only explanation. He's actually lost his mind, in maybe the same way that Will has, and Will still, inexplicably doesn't want anyone else. That's the way he loves Mike - the culmination of every emotion a human being is capable of feeling, all wrapped up and shoved into a tight ball in his chest, and still he wouldn't trade it for everything.

Will sits down on the wet pavement and lets himself cry.

[boyfrillish]

I was tagged recently by @brainshock-alpha for twenty fic writers' questions — thanks! c: If anyone wants to answer them too, feel free to go ahead.

Alright, here we go!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

As of right now, 22. I had like, 80+ that I orphaned about a year and a half ago, but those shall be disregarded since they aren't linked to my account anymore and I did that for a reason, so...

2. What is your AO3 wordcount?

According to my statistics, it's 22,139. I never expect that high of a number with how short my fics tend to be, haha

3. What fandoms do you write for?

That would be Pokémon, and recenly also started writing for FE💍Engage, though I have yet to post the fic I wrote (as of sending this, it still sits only in the notepad I scribbled it in and I have yet to type it on the computer lol). It'll be interesting to see how the rotation will go, because I don't usually tend to be multifandom when it comes to writing.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Lost and Found (Red/Blue) — 309 kudos

Scale my Heart (Brendan/Wally) — 193

The hero's hero (Brendan/Wally) — 131

Candy Apple (Kieran/Florian) — 101

Apology (Kieran/Florian) — 97

Again I am only counting what's actually linked to my account. Since all of these are pkmn, I contextualised by ship lol the first three are from 2014/2015 so the kudos accumulated over time. I'm still amazed the latter two got so many in just a few months.

5. Do you respond to comments?

I always try to, but sometimes it may take time... Really wish sometimes there was a way for writer's to give a kudos or some other silent reaction on comments on our fics, just so I can silently express my appreciation even when I don't currently have the spoons to respond.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I wrote some angst in the past but I wouldn't remember about a sad ending because I really prefer happy (or at least good enough) endings. I mostly write silly fluff, so lol If I'm Your Boy may count since there's a toneshift between the two POVs and it ends on the pining.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

My first instinct is to say "All of them" lmao when 99% of what I write is silly fluff, it's kind of tough to assign a "happiest"

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I know I've had at least some persons hate me/my fics, but that's in the past and I left that fandom behind so... in present times, not that I know of.

9. Do you write smut? If so, which kind?

I did before, but the last one was years ago. Dunno when I might give it a try again.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest crossover you’ve ever written?

If it's like a "AU set in the universe of x other fandom" then yes, I guess I've done it before? But not like. full-scale crossovers where the cast of two or more things meet. At least, I don't think I ever did that lol

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I was asked about it, some years ago, but back then I was rather anxious and declined 🥲

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yup, though the last time that I can actively remember was many years ago. I used to do that with friends back in high school where either we'd pass around the paper every other sentence or we talk it out loud and then one of us wrote it down. That's the ones I remember haha. I'd be open to doing it again, now digitally.

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

I'm really not good at nailing down ONE singular all-time favourite in general because intense emotions/feelings are intense emotions/feelings, you know? And I can have them for multiple things all at once and in the same way (but different flavours). But for the sake of it, I'm going to say Hugh/Nate, considering they've been a major comfort OTP for a decade now and are also one of the ships I've written the most. Then there's HopVic which is the same tier of comfort OTP as Hugh/Nate for me and I wrote about as much of them. And as of recent, Alcryst/Alear♂ while I'm literally still in the middle of playing that game haha. Though the fact that I already started writing fic about them says a lot, because I never did for my favourite Awakening ships.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Uhh... I'm drawing a blank here. Because while I have some WIPs since summer 2022 that I have yet to finish, I wouldn't say they aren't like, "impossible" for me to finish? At least I'm telling myself that I am going to finish them one day or another lol well, I guess there's some WIPs from 2014... I guess those aren't going to happen anymore, maybe in a totally revamped way, but will that happen? Not currently likely

16. What are your writing strengths?

One thing you have to know about me is that I am really not good at knowing my own strengths (like really), but if there's one thing that I know I'm good at, it's eliciting emotions & giving comfort. It's what my own fics do for me, and enough people have told me so after reading, to be more confident about it not just being A Me Thing (because I write for my own comfort & fun and all that)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

...Everything else? :'D Jokes aside, I'm going to say just descriptions because I am not very poetic... Then there's that sometimes I struggle because of the fact that I'm writing in a foreign language, but I don't know if that quite counts here?

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

This is a really nuanced topic with multiple angles and such, and I don't currently have the spoons to try to translate my thoughts into words 😅

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I'm pretty sure it was Pokémon back when I was a kid lol I didn't always write things down (and to this day too, a lot of visions stay in my head), but I've been imagining things in my head pretty much my whole life, and that's one of the first fandoms I can remember actually writing. And it became the one that I would always come back to writing through the years, even if not at every point of my life.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Again, I am not good at saying Just One Favourite lol it's all of them at any particular point of time and I still get excited even about stuff I wrote years back, so there's that. It's all of them (as long as I didn't leave the fandom behind me, that is).

[drea-exclusives]

Week 8 — You Are Exactly Where You Need To Be

After the last entry, I didn't want to write another sad one and mope around this week, but I feel like I've reflected a lot and gone through many different thought processes in the midst of figuring out this patch I'm going through. Therefore, I figured I would treat this as a safe space to document how I've been feeling and what I've comprehended from recent events.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

After having a rough few days last week, feeling lost and dwelling in my depleting self-esteem, this week has been better in the sense that I have been processing my emotions, accepting how I feel, and showing myself compassion. It is through this way that I am slowly learning to let go of the grudges I hold against myself.

I realised that a big part of what I've been struggling with is feeling like I'm running behind in life or that I should be progressing quicker and involving myself in more things as most of the people around me are doing so. Essentially, comparing myself to others and feeling bad about myself because this isn't ideally where I want to be. It's a really low and isolating feeling; you feel like you're trying to run but you're stuck in place, alone, while everyone else is moving ahead and life continues on without allowing you space to breathe and pause for a moment.

It really is true when they say that comparison is the thief of joy. And though it may not be intentional, all of us will at some point subconsciously compare ourselves to our peers and the people around us. But if you actually think about it, we are all on different journeys, with different pathways, destinations, skillsets, and obstacles; it doesn't make sense for us to compare ourselves with others. Yet, this is unfortunately just one of those things that have been ingrained into society, and as a result, has become an insecurity for me throughout my adolescent years. Sometimes it's the fear of missing out; wanting to live a simple life and not having many big aspirations, but fearing that you should be doing more due to societal pressures. Other times, it's looking at someone who seems to have everything sorted out and wishing so desperately that you were in their shoes.

But after a lot of time spent contemplating and being upset at myself, at some point I realised that it's okay if I'm not where I want to be right now. I have so much time and my life has barely just begun, I don't have to be the epitome of who I've wanted to be my whole life, and it's okay if I'm not the best version of myself right now either. More importantly, it doesn't devalue who I am, my worth, or my capabilities, just because I don't have everything sorted out. Being in the same place for awhile doesn't mean that I'm not growing and progressing, or that I won't eventually reach my destination and achieve what I've wanted to achieve; it just means that I'm on the path to getting there, and I need to have more trust and faith in both myself and the process.

On top of all that, I owe myself forgiveness; both for being so harsh on myself, and also for not being the version of me that I had envisioned. Letting go of any resentment, grudges, or expectations that I or others might've had because in this crucial time, I need to show up for myself instead of punishing and diminishing myself for everything that I am not. Giving myself more grace because at the end of the day, I am human, and I deserve better than this. And hopefully one day when this phase has passed, I can look back and see how far I've come, and realise that I've always been moving forward and becoming who I've wanted to be. Maybe by then, I can show my current self the love that I've been unable to give her, cherish her with all her faults and fears, and be proud of her for persisting despite everything.

-

You're doing great, dear self. Please never doubt it.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! This is one of my ultimate comfort songs that I always come back to when I'm facing any kind of hardships in life, so much so that I can only listen to it these days when I'm having a tough time because the song is associated with so many difficult periods in my life. It is a safe space for me where I feel comfortable putting my strength down and letting out everything that has been bothering me lately, embodying a shoulder to cry on or a warm embrace.

[iwishtequilawasfree]

i read

I read the things you write. I don't know if I should. It's here though, it's in my -- our -- house, and I don't know if I should, but I do. This is the second time I've read something that I wasn't exactly pleased to read, so I guess I should probably stop reading your written works but, here I am... having read the works you've so beautifully written.

Your handwriting is beautiful. Not perfect, never perfect, sometimes I can't even read it, but it's beautiful because its from you. From all of the chaos in mind, flows this very precise penmanship. I hate some of things it tells me, but it's beautiful all the same. Maybe that's the way it's meant to be.

The little peek into your mind, in those few handwritten words, sometimes feels like the only time you're honest -- which is in conflict with your actions, my feelings, and our words.

The scrawled words are about your drinking when you shouldn't be, the people you're conflicted about being with that aren't me, the first moves that you want to make but can't with people not me, the self hatred, the conflict, the anger, the sadness, the depression.

Oddly enough, I find myself in the best position/drive to write, when I'm feeling these same exact feelings -- kind of.

I think I'm lost. I know I'm lost. I'm lost in you. In me, in my emotions, in what I want.

Maybe I don't even know what I want.

I know I want you. It feels defiant, like, I'm trying to hold on to something that isn't there.

I harbor feelings of discontentment (read: burgeoning hatred) for the people you call friends, because they'd all sleep with you given the chance, and that on some level, you'd do the same, because... you would.

What special kind of idiot does this make me?

He used to say he loved me. I think he meant it. I think he also wanted me to hear it. I think he thought I wanted to hear it.

Sometimes I want to talk to you about this, but I know it'll feel like an attack, because that's my method of operation -- attack, and I don't want to attack you, I just want to talk, I just want to know. I want all the tidbits of information so I can make informed decisions about what our next steps are. Maybe there are none. Maybe here are many. Unfortunately, I'm in this particular position where I've done so much... pulling out now feels demonic, and unfair.

I'm not a demon, and I'm not unfair. I'm a lonely faggot in love, with a self diagnosed autistic, alcoholic with a severe case of ADHD.

You've asked before why I'm here, and the simple answer is, "because you chose me". And even that isn't 100% true is it? I mean, maybe for a time, but it was fleeting -- between Roger, Kai the ones without names -- it's still feeling, maybe.

I've got trust issues. I'm anxious. I have pretty low self esteem. I found one that's not perfect, that's not even mine, but I don't want anyone else to have him.

In your penmanship, I want to read about me. About how you really feel about me. About us. Even if it hurts -- it's probably going to hurt. I want to happen upon a page that says that I'm the one -- I don't think I am.

You're a fireball, burning you way through, and I'm so broken, I'm waiting for you melt my pieces together.

Maybe I'll find a page, the page, and read the words, but probably not, and that's something that I'm trying to makes amends with. Maybe it's better that way.

[burning-candlelight]

wrote this about going to an online school for a huge chunk of my schooling (7th-12th). i did it for various reasons, good and valid reasons, but it was very, very lonely. i had friends, i did, good ones in a sense, but yeah my feelings about it are here. not polished, maybe nonsensical in some places. but yeah.

-----

You watch the kids around you grow into their environments. You watch people interact and mesh and clash. People complain about drama and yeah, I get it, I really do. But 6 years is a long time.

Whatever dregs of drama, if it can even be called that, which have caught up to me are so stripped of whatever one might find entertaining or enjoyable, stripped of any hiding good intention. Like a mango seed with all the sweet pulp sucked off of it, and now you’re chewing on the pure fiber-y strands of hate, getting it all stuck in your teeth. Because there’s nothing else to eat. Nothing at all. And it really wouldn’t be so bad, but 6 years is an awfully long time.

It's not the drama, in the end. In fact, it never really was. Honestly, I've never really heard of someone that says they miss drama. Many spend much of their lives trying to escape it. So it's really, honestly, not the drama. I could be poetic and say its everything else, or allude to some other devastating problem, but the truth is that there were no other issues. There was no discord. There was nothing at all. There was nothing at all. 6 years feels very, very long.

There was no harm, no harmony. There were no fights, nor makeups. Well, there have been, of course, I suppose, but what did those really matter, those few times, in the face of the 6 gnawing years.

I try to make it pretty, I try to channel the hurt into ivory words. But it’s big. The feeling of nothing is so, so impossibly large.

It feels, in that sense, not dramatic. No drama, no irony, no tears, no flourishes. Poems, metaphors, maybe. But to take a lens and zoom, as is the key to many emotions, seems quite impossible in this case. Something like the vast expanse of space, a whole infinite void of nothing consumes my chest. I have no memories to cry over, nothing to hold dear, no tarnished ideals or bruises. I really wouldn’t mind those, nowadays.

And it’s especially sad, when I think of others. For others I can zoom in and the hurt, the feeling of irreconcilably lost time disappears, and a sense of tragedy fills me. I suppose the lost time is tragedy, but not in the same way. I cannot cry for myself, feel sad in the way I am supposed to, not the way I do when I zoom in on others. Because there are others, by the way. Not just me. And its so sad, because we really did try so damn hard. Or, at least I did. And I know many others did too. I can’t say anyone failed us in particular, because I don’t think there was any winning in the first place. We came here, and there was no winning. There was no correct or blatantly happy outcome. There never is, of course, so you could say its really more the universe at fault than the people in charge, but still, you just wouldn’t expect to lose so hard. You gain comrades, brothers in arms clinging to each other to not drown, with a wild and reckless lack of discrimination or forethought. You cling, you hold each other through cold nights, you keep each other from drowning, and through all that, despite all that, the empty nothing persists.

Regret is a feeling I find hard to place. I have a permeating knowledge, or at least a belief, that I’m trying my best. That everyone is. I know that my choices brought me here, they have become me, and frankly, that it’s not too bad of an outcome. But 6 years is a very, very long time.

There’s no pretty conclusion, no moral of the story, no succinct message. A void persisted for 6 years, or perhaps I persisted within one. Reprieve came short and sweet; rations you would stretch from one long month to the next to keep yourself from despair. But really, it was what it was. A tragedy, frankly, because there’s no hero, no winning, no victors– only loss, only survivors, only victims. And 6 lost years out of 18 is a fucking tragedy. I am me because of these years. I ask myself, how do I reconcile this? Heal, like I feel like must? And after these 6 long years, I find that I don’t think I can. I think I just have to live with it.

[crmsnmth-journal]

1/12/2024

10:44 PM

I wanted to make this a daily thing again, but it seems I can't do that. I mean, I think my dad dying is a pretty good excuse for my lapse in keeping a journal. I wrote my memorial and I'll add it here after I finish today's entry. I shared it yesterday and I forget what it's like to have support. So many condolences, and weirdly compliments on my writing. It's truly bitter sweet.

“I haven't said much of anything publicly. Things still feel unreal.

As some may know, but most don't, last week, I lost my father. It was both expected and unexpected at the same time. I think that's how a lot of deaths are. You could know everything, right down to the second your soul left, and it would still come as a shocking surprise every single time. And of course, that's one phone call you never really want to hear.

Emotions fly high when something like this happens. It takes you on a roller-coaster. I'm sad and depressed. Of course, I am. I lost my dad. I'm no machine. But I'm also angry, so very angry. I'm angry because there's no justice in something like this. I'm angry because I feel ripped off. At other times, I'm numb. Sometimes even feeling guilty and not sure what it was that I had done wrong. The wonders of grief.

I'm going to miss him. A lot. I think that's pretty normal, isn't it? I've known him my entire life. Death, even when peaceful and easy to slip into, is always violent. It's not violent for the dying or deceased. It's violent for those of us who are left behind. It strangles us with choked words as we find comfort in our family and friends and selves. It rips your heart out from your chest with an unmatched force, leaving behind nothing but a black hole where your organ once was. It breaks your bones as you drop down to the floor. It blinds you with saltwater tears that start to roll down your cheeks. Death is violent. Silent violence.

Grief is weird. Grief is such a universal, yes completely personal experience. We all deal with grief, or if we haven't yet, we will. Everybody must face grief at some point in their life. And even with that fact, it's all down to who a person is on how they deal with it. Some dive headfirst into work for a distraction. Others drink until they pass out. A few go into isolation to face it alone. And then there's me. I write.

I wrote a letter or two to him. Things I wanted to talk to him about, or songs I had stashed away to show him. I wrote to him, and it actually helped me feel a little bit better. So that's what I have to face grief and death. I face it with a pen in one hand and a college-lined notebook in the other.

My dad and I's relationship was never perfect or all that conventional, but that's ok. It worked for us and who we were as people. I have plenty of absolutely wonderful memories with my dad, and it's in those memories how I'll remember him. Fishing in the lake by his apartment. Going to see Motley Crue in Milwaukee. The camping trips. The visits to his house. Playing guitar together. Listening to music at a much too high volume. Canoeing down the Kickapoo only to stop at every sand bar to look for rocks and arrowheads. The list really can go on and on. I choose to remember my dad this way, instead of that dying hospital costume.

My dad was intelligent and eccentric. He'd find new hobbies all the time, and dive headfirst into each one until he learned all he could. He liked what he liked and that's how it was going to be. And that's a trait worthy of looking up too. He never gave a damn what anybody thought of him and he was unapologetically himself. Once again, those are good traits to have, and one's I'm glad he was able to get instilled into me.

It's time's like now where I realize that living in the moment is so very important. All those moments I had with my dad seemed so mundane and whatever as they happened. And all it took was one day, one hour, one minute, one second really and those moments and memories are now sacred ground.

I am forever grateful that his and I's relationship was at a good place. Even that doesn't justify it. Our relationship at one point was strictly through text messages and rarely did we find the time to keep that father son thing going, usually seeing each other for the holidays but that was about it. But as we both grew older, wiser and maybe just a little bit more crazy, that father son bond did return. We were talking. And I visited for a few days this summer. A trip that is now so very important.

He died knowing he was loved, And when you think about it, that's all we really ask for. I think that's a pretty great way to go. Knowing that you were loved. That you were important in so many different lives, be it friends or family. We all said our words to him, hugged him and left the room. And less then a week later, he was gone. We all had our final words with him though. Mine were just "I love you, dad." And with how short that sentence is, I think it's pretty powerful. There was no message better than that.

Now comes the dawn of mourning. The real mourning. The crying at three in the morning kind of mourning. I'm sorry to anyone around me. I am trying to hold it together and most of the time, I'm doing a pretty good job doing just that. But if you see me wiping a tear from my eye. Or quickly changing a song while at work, it is because I'm mourning. I'm learning to live while grieving. I'm learning how to live without a father. And I was not prepared to learn this stuff. There is no textbook or instructions to come with it. You've got to figure that all out on your own. And I'm still figuring that out, but I think I'm getting close.

I'm going to miss him. I mean, I already do. I'm going to miss the talks about severe weather. Or getting a text randomly. I'm gonna miss him through every moment still coming in the life. I wish he would've gotten a chance to meet Milo, but we'll make sure that Milo knows him too.

Nothing feels the same right now. It's surreal. Everything looks the same and everything works as it should, but it feels unreal. Like I've been placed in an alternate world. One where my dad is no longer a constant figure in my life. That one changes, changes everything. And it does it so quickly there's now way to see it. Of course, there is no alternate world. That is my real world now. And for hone long, I really couldn't say.

I think I'll wrap this up. I thought I needed to finish this with a bang. Some last line that really drives home the point I'm making. But then I realized I don't have a point. I just wanted to let go a little bit, and I wanted to talk about my dad for a few minutes.

See you later, Pop. I love you.”