#idk i think wording is important generally speaking. ignore me

[berrymeter]

hey i don't wanna say smth controversial but u all know there are french minorities right? just wondering bc when i see those posts about "the french" it's making me raise a brow the same way i raise a brow when ppl make posts about "americans" not protesting or being "unhealthy" or whatever

[popawritter12]

Hey hey heyyy im back with another request (im the same anon who requested that yandere morgana piece u wrote, absoutely loved it btw ate it up) and i was wondering if you could write some yandere! Hwei x reader? (fanfic or headcanons is up to you!) maybe the reader is an artist as well and they bond over that? Idk man up to you, also love ur takes on characters ur legit one of the best LoL writers ive seen!!

Btw if you dont mind can i be the 🍊 anon? Ive seen other blogs have their emoji anons and i wanna be one so bad fhdbfh

Hope youre having a nice day!!

Author's Notes: Of course 🍊 anon! I would love to <3

I also got tired of making so many headcanons (believe it or not, I have more saved in my drafts), I'm going to write a one-shot. I hope you like it <3. I also appreciate that you like my work. It's especially nice to know that there's someone who enjoys what I do besides me. By the way, I think Hwei is not in the Yandere “tier list” of LoL, so from how I write him and how I see him, I assume that he is a “Normal” type, because his personality reminds me a little of Ayano from Yandere simulator jjjjjjjjjj

Ｏ(≧∇≦)ＯＯ(≧∇≦)ＯＯ(≧∇≦)ＯＯ(≧∇≦)Ｏ

Yandere! Hwei x Fem! reader

Yandere character: Hwei From the videogame/anime/manga/movie/series: League Of Legends Case: Mention of stalking, allegation of theft, robbery and kidnapping. Part: 1 of 1 Warning: Excessive text LOL

Ｏ(≧∇≦)ＯＯ(≧∇≦)ＯＯ(≧∇≦)ＯＯ(≧∇≦)Ｏ

Obedience.

You had heard that word for so long that it was already embedded in your memory. But not in the way most expected.

You hated that word, and for that same reason you almost never hung out with the teachers or students of the temple you went to.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, we better go to the beginning.

You had been born into a family that had never been close to other nations apart from Ionia, your mother was a strict woman, sometimes bordering on abusive, who always hated temples. Especially religions… Let's say she never had good experiences with it.

And your father, oh your beloved father… He was a saint in every sense of the word. He was kind, a joker… And a smile was always on his face. He had never yelled, in fact even when he was angry, he would just sit in the corner, ignoring everything around him until his mind cooled down.

And, being an only child, your life around them was quite chaotic. While your mother always tried to stay out of her entire family situation—a rather complex issue even for you—your father was the “husband of the house,” so to speak. He was in charge of teaching you both cooking and home care in general, including carpentry and, mainly, the art of home decoration.

He always dreamed of being a great artist, but in his family it was never frowned upon for a man to make the decision to undertake such a complex world of art, because, you know… that's a “women's thing.” But anyway, a lot of things have happened since the last time you talked to your uncles and cousins so… They aren't very important in your life right now.

But do you know that it is important? Where did you study.

Your father insisted a lot on your talent with sculptures and the human form; You really liked making ceramic vases manually, so much so that from the age of 8 you made your first sculpture; It was the strange shape of a dog with small eyes and a giant nose. At the time you barely knew how to paint sculptures, and your father barely knew about sculptures, and the shape of it so… Let's say it looked more like an "alebrije" than a dog with a big nose.

But that was a long time ago, and now the only proof of that memory is the figure on your father's furniture; kept as a beautiful memory.

As time went by your sculptures became more complex; from simple vases for flowers to sculptures with human figures of such a level that, at this point, we could compare them with the statues of Michelangelo.

And your father wanted that talent to be exploited to the fullest. So, after years of arguing with your mother, they both agreed that you should go to the great temple where you would learn about the art.

But there was a small problem, one that was going to haunt you a lot.

You weren't used to how strict that school was.

The first and second day at that school were quite chaotic for you. It wasn't just because it wasn't as you expected, but because everything was very limited.

If you wanted to make art, you had to do it how they wanted, when they asked you to, and how they expected it. However, not only was that not your style, but it seemed like the teachers (especially the principal) always had one eye on you. And only for a few weeks did you endure that strict issue of obedience.

But there was one boy who was particularly kind to you, and he was a young man of always unkempt appearance. His dark circles always stood out on his face, along with his hair that was rarely organized in a linear manner. From the first time he saw you, he felt charmed by the way you expressed yourself; You were good at painting and using magic, but when he saw the ceramic sculptures you made…damn, you really drove him crazy.

But you obviously didn't notice, you were too focused on trying to get along with your surroundings in general that you didn't notice his desperate attempts to get along with you.

However, in the pleasant conversations you had with him, you always saw him as the stereotype of the exemplary boy; someone who dedicated his entire life to his art, to the temple and was admired by everyone for his great talent. You thought he was assured of a great future thanks to his eccentric abilities.

And you, unlike most, learned very well from your mother that you could not let yourself be trampled; especially by anyone you barely knew. So the blood that ran through your veins and the passion for your own art that you kept for so long was slowly being tied to be limited, but with barely strong ropes. It hurt a lot to know that you were in a place that didn't belong to you, it was as if you were a squirrel in the Freljord, or a mouse in a perfume store.

And in the end, when you mentioned all these things to your mother, she didn't take it very well.

—Did you really go through all this while you were in that temple? —She asked, a cigarette between her fingers as she arranged her needles on the table.

You just nodded your head, not looking at your mother at all. The woman, at this, clicked her tongue.

—I knew that those bitches are only good for the basics, they didn't evolve at all —The woman brought the cigarette to her lips, taking a gentle drag —so, do you know something, my child? Send them to hell.

You were used to her bad vocabulary, so much so that at this, you just nodded your head again.

—I know perfectly well that you are not like me, that you want to venture out and learn about “the ways of art” and that I know —The woman moved her free hand in the air, while with the other she only lightly squeezed the cigarette. —, but if you're going to go alone so that that bunch of nuts can do you less, I'm going to get you out even by kicking you in the ass.

Your mother was tough as a chain in the teeth, and you knew that she couldn't last long without making trouble in the temple if there was someone bothering her only daughter. She cared very little if it was a student, a teacher or even the founder of the temple himself —Even though she knows that she died a long time ago— she would go and give her her dose of shit if she messed with the pride of her as a mother.

She advised you to kick their ass if they messed with you, but your father later talked to you about it, advising that you couldn't take all your feelings and thoughts to such an extreme, but that you should think coldly, and not give importance to people that were not to your specific liking, regardless of their social status. You were no less for coming from a family that came from the middle of nowhere.

During your temple walk, you always walked alone, which gave you plenty of time to think about your actions; You had been passive most of the time, however, more than once you let out those classic off-color comments when they already crossed your limit. Words like “Fuck you if you don't like it” or “You're barely able to use colors and you're going to tell me what I have to do?” escaped you in very rare cases.

You entered the less traveled part of the temple, hoping not to encounter those looks that made you uncomfortable. The song of nature resonated in your ears harmoniously, while the sound of the materials inside your bag resonated from time to time.

In the midst of your ramblings, you remembered your lost sculptures, and your forgotten materials; You were not a forgetful pardon, and it seemed strange to you not to find your favorite materials —That were metal, so they were worth a lot of money —, and even though you asked and asked, you couldn't find it anymore, so it depressed you a lot to think that you had lost something that had cost yout parents so much effort, and the mere memory of it caused you to feel that pang in your heart.

Even if your parents said it was nothing that couldn't be fixed, it hurt to know that you had lost one of the most expensive things your parents had cost you to get you.

But it was curious to think what a surprise you would get.

However, you get to hear some noises; without being the whining of baby birds waiting for food or rodents walking in search of food, but rather it resembled the voice of two people talking. You recognized both of their voices, but you thought it wasn't too important to stay there, in fact, you were already planning to go somewhere else when you heard it.

—So that girl, (Name), right?

—Yes, I didn't think you realized that issue.

The second boy's shy voice reminded you of that young man you rarely spoke to, which took you by surprise. Hwei wasn't the type of person to talk bad about someone behind their back, or at least that was the idea you had based on your interactions.

—You don't have to worry, after all it's normal for you to feel attracted to someone —Jhin mentioned, almost in a mocking manner—. So why don't you tell me about her?

You had already noticed the intention behind that interaction, however, after what happened, you thought that maybe you could calm your heart with some sweet words that you weren't meant to hear at that moment.

—Well, she is… incredible —He begins, you hear how the young man sits on a log due to the sound of the hollow wood —, she is beautiful, kind, tender… and her way of expressing her art is so… unique.

You gently leaned your back against the wood, trying not to make any sound. Something in your chest moved abruptly, as if your heart was fluttering like a butterfly in glass.

—I adore her sculptures, I feel that they are the most beautiful thing I have seen —He continues talking, slowly his emotion rose more and more —. I looked sometimes at her work in class or in the room away from her, and they are… beautiful.

—So much so that you had the need to steal them, right?

It was a single sentence, one which echoed in your head for several seconds.

—What are you talking about? —Hwei asks, arranging his hair a little, trying to place several strands behind his ear —. I would never do that.

You didn't hear how Hwei's tone of voice changed, becoming staccato, as his hands clung to his backpack, which he had in his lap.

At this, the other student laughed, almost like a subtle laugh, while his eyes wandered to where your shadow was looming. A mischievous smile forms on his face.

—So, I imagine that the sculptures that are in your room were made by you, right? —He questions, looking subtly into Hwei's eyes—. Or you bought them from her.

Your thoughts slowly formed a thread of the events that had happened. A lump formed in your throat, almost painfully so.

—Or her favorite utensils, she asked me if I had seen them last week, since she had left them near you the last time she saw them —He continued, almost introspectively—, but when I asked you, you only mentioned that you didn't see them that day either.

You shook your head, from the depths of your soul you prayed that it wasn't true, that you didn't have the school prodigy after you in such an extreme way.

—Well, I admit that I have some of her sculptures in my room, but they are the ones that she forgot in class or anywhere! —The pale boy snapped—. And I don't know what you think I did with her utensils, I don't know how to sculpt.

Jhin laughs again, barely audibly now, as if he knew that now he would have to act more vividly.

—And why were they in the box in your room? —Jhin asks him —, it even had remains of dry ceramics. Could it be that they were already used?

Hwei gritted his teeth, while his gaze met Jhin's again.

—That side of you… It's so peculiar. —He smiles —, I thought no one would see it, but you risk being seen in exchange for getting some things from (Name).

Hwei knew that darkness within his soul had awakened since the first day he saw you. And that darkness spread throughout his soul, mind and body, to the point that it seemed to consume all of his heart and mind.

—Your paintings were always warm colors —Jhin changed the subject, the smile disappearing from his face —, they were never about anything specific, but since you met that girl, something changed —He bowed gently in front of Hwei —. If it was about her, you focused on her in a way that made her seem pure, you used colors that highlighted her body or her emotion on her face. But she never looked at anyone —He subtly changed his focus —, she looked at the painter, or she didn't look at anyone, tell me, do you just want her to not look at anyone but you? Do you want her to the point that you don't want her to look at anyone but you?

He remained silent, in such a way that you could feel the weight of the words lingering in the air, causing an almost inexhaustible tension there. It was such that you could no longer hear the song of nature that you longed for so much.

—I won't criticize you, Hwei, you know that I understand better than anyone the dark feeling inside you —Jhin tried to sound empathetic —. And, if you want, I can help you make (Name) yours. I can make her fall in love with you and make that she can never leave you.

The obsessed young man understood how wrong it was to have those thoughts terrifying his mind, but he couldn't stop it, it was a feeling that had already taken root in his heart, and he couldn't tear it out no matter how much he wanted to.

—I can't… —Hwei whispered, his voice breaking —…, I don't want to harm her; She is so nice to me, I don't want to put her through all my feelings.

You heard him sob.

—You're not going to hurt her —Jhin comforts him, a hand running over his cheek —. I know you love her very much, and you notice how others hurt her. But, tell me, don't you think about those people really hurt her? —He subtly wipes away the tear that slipped down her face—. You should take care of those people, you know? So she could express her art as she loves it. Maybe she could even make thousands of statues without anyone to pressure her, and you could “borrow” them for yourself.

You had heard enough, you couldn't stay there for another minute.

However, before you could move, Jhin leaned close to Hwei's ear, his lips close to her loose strands of hair.

—Or you could take it right now, you know? This opportunity is perfect. —Jhin's mischievous smile spreads across his face.

Hwei opened his eyes to her peak, at the same time he heard a rope move abruptly.

And you felt your foot being pulled up, forcing you to hit your face against the ground, causing you to moan in pain.

—Shit. —You whispered, feeling your head spin, a small wound on your head began to make small drops of blood come out.

—That is…? —Hwei whispers, his heart sinking in his chest —(Name)..?

Ｏ(≧∇≦)ＯＯ(≧∇≦)ＯＯ(≧∇≦)ＯＯ(≧∇≦)Ｏ

Today I came wanting to write. I loved how this one-shot turned out, and I hope those who read it do too haha.

I hope to receive more orders if any of you wish, until then, I will be dedicated to my hobbies and my studies.

[toxxtt-kotlc]

Hello! If I may, would you be amenable to expanding on your "most of you are kinda racist" tag? I do have an idea of what you're referring to with characterization for character of color, and there have been several posts about that in the fandom in the past, but I wanted to ask for clarity to know what you, specifically, have noticed. To be aware of what's happening, talk about it, correct mindsets and actions if needed

Of course, you don't have to answer and can just delete this if you'd like. No pressure. Hope you have a good day :)

hi! mostly i was referring to characterizations of the song twins and wylie and maruca. obviously posts about the issues with linh and tam have been made many times before. for the most part i think that problems with the song twins come from canon itself, but i think people in general need to be more conscientious when looking at their characters and the stereotypes that are already in them :)

and for wylie and maruca, i can't really speak on stereotypes and biases that the fandom has for them as a non-black person, but i just feel like they get put aside by the fandom a lot despite being major characters (wylie in particular)

i really feel like wylie should be an incredibly popular character in this fandom. i mean, he's just got so much... angst about him. you guys love angst. i feel like people take what makes his character so interesting and the hurt and loss that comes with him and just slap it onto another non-black character.

obviously not everyone has to be in love with wylie. but i think the reason such a hurt-and-comfort fic generating machine is ignored so much is because as a black male, he's automatically viewed as more masculine than other characters. therefore he can't be the fandom's "boohoo sad wet sopping cat" character like fitz or keefe, even though HE IS LITERALLY THE DEFINITION OF SOPPING WET SAD GOT KIDNAPPED AND TORTURED DEAD MOM FUCKED DAD WHAT ELSE DO YOU GUYS WANT FROM HIM!!!!!!!!

anyways i wish this was more eloquent but i just wrote this really quick!! these are really specific examples but i don't know how to put the general overall racism that i see into words... i'll work on that!! i also don't know how to explain the issues with fanon maruca that i see so

tldr: the song twin's characters have pretty obvious bias and stereotypes that the fandom needs to be more aware of, wylie isn't popular despite his sad cat-ness because black men are seen as more masculine, maruca's characterization makes me uncomfortable in general but idk how to explain it

please tell me if anything i said was wrong or hurtful! i am not black so you should always listen to black people before me. also i am probably biased as a die-hard wylie fan so take anything i say with a grain of salt :) would love to hear other people's opinions on this!

*also, put this in the tags but i feel like its important to say here too: sad sopping wet meow meow wylie is NOT a good interpretation/characterization its pretty shallow but he still should be getting the same treatment as other characters

[redditreceipts]

i feel like i do agree with most radfem stances but then some just don’t make sense to me

like stating that someone’s bf begging for sex or acting sad he isn’t getting any is akin to rape/coercion into sex? it just doesn’t sit right to me because i got assaulted and it was .. forceful, i didn’t get to decide ‘oh i feel bad for this person, guess i will just do it!’ i didn’t want to and i was forced to. i feel like the many posts about how having consensual sex you regret because you consented for bad reasons making it ‘rape’ are disrespectful towards anyone who actually got assaulted/raped.

then there’s also the thing where Tifs are treated like they are just harmless deluded girls, when most tifs are homophobic and gross- you constantly see them mocking gay men and talking about how they want to go ‘stealth’ and would be fine tricking a gay man into sex. but radfems ignore that and mostly talk about tims.

i also don’t get if most radfems are pro gay or not because i got told multiple times that women who have consensual sex with men or who got married (by their own choice) to a man and had kids with him are also somehow ‘lesbians’. it just sounds like they think lesbian = manhating bisexual with trauma. idk most radfems on here i agree with until it comes down to these 3 points.

hmmm, so I can't speak for all feminists here on tumblr, but I can just give my personal opinion on these points.

So I don't have much authority on the first point, because I've never experienced that (well, I haven't experienced it so far lmao). But I think that the problem is that we have very few words for very different experiences of sexual violence. We have "molestation", "rape", "sexual violence", "coercion", "sexual assuault", - and... well, I'm not a native speaker so I don't know all of the terms, maybe, but most of these terms are just polite descriptions of sexual violence. I think we should invent new terms to differentiate. Maybe one umbrella term like "sexual violence", and then a term for coercion with physical violence, coercion with verbal violence, coercion with manipulation, coercion with threats of taking important things away from a person, coercion from an authority figure via their authority, rape of an inebriated person... Like with violence via physical impact, where we have the terms "punch", "hit", "strike", "nudge", "slap", "beat", "smack", "thump", "pound", "smash", "slam", "hammer", "box", "bump", "spank", etc. Imagine there was just one term: "to hit". But if there was just this one term "to hit", one person would say "I was hit" when they have been bumped into, and you would say "I was hit" when you had been punched in the face. It would of course seem crazy to act as if these two experiences had been similar, but the problem is not someone appropriating someone else's terminology, but the problem is that there is just one word for violence via impact. Maybe that's the problem?

Second, I do think that there is a difference between TIMs and TIFs. 1. Men are more violent than women and there is no reason to think that this would change with transition. There are violent women, yes, but not as many as there are violent men, so violence in men is far larger problem. 2. Also, a woman who is violent against men is less likely to be able to do harm because she will be smaller on average. 3. The general attitude toward transgender people among gay men and lesbian women is very different. While lesbians and bisexual women tend to welcome straight TIMs with open arms (and get to feel the repercussions of that), gay men tend to be much more confident in excluding women from their sexuality. Almost every subreddit for gay men would be labelled as a "TERF"-subreddit if it was women behaving in the exact same way. While gay men have basically the entire internet to talk about how they hate vagina, lesbians have carved out this very little space to talk about how they hate dick. so that's why this is much more frequent, I guess 4. most people on here are lesbian and bisexual women. So I guess that venting about transbians is more common because trans gay men don't invade our spaces. If they do, that's shitty nonetheless of course.

And on the third point - well, many women get married to men they are not attracted to. So if you marry a man you don't like and you do it because of internalised homophobia, you would still be a lesbian. If you are genuinely sexually attracted to him, you would be bisexual. But I've not really seen that happening, but if it did, I'd be happy to get a link because that's of course nonsense, a person who is genuinely attracted to men is not a lesbian.

I hope this answered your questions a bit :)

[jewish-vents]

i’m so, so tired. i’ve deleted almost all of my social media apps, barring tumblr. i am definitely a very political person, and have been invested in developed a deeper understanding of world history and geopolitics since i was ~12 (i’m 18 now). but i feel so drained. i’ve muted tags on here relating to palestine and the conflict in general, and i feel horrible about it bc i see people around me constantly posting about it, but i just can’t. i’ve given up. i ideologically leaned far more against the state of israel before oct 7th than i do now, and i’ve seen this amongst many of my jewish friends too. my online friends have always tended to be pro-palestine, but i never saw this much dehumanization coming from them until now. to see how hated jewish people are, to see how many people i loved thought oct 7th was justified resistance… it hurt beyond words… even my longtime irl best friend tried to explain the conflict (and was whining about me getting ben and jerry’s at a store) to me despite not knowing anything about i/p before this war. i hate being talked to like im an idiot. but if i vocalize that, im speaking over others.

i don’t like seeing images of dead children. i don’t like reading about rising death tolls. i don’t like being bombarded with brutal details about humans’ suffering. and that is all everyone online is ever talking about. and all i see people say is that i need to suck it up because there are people suffering way more than me right now, which obviously is true. but i don’t want people to think im a bad, ignorant person. and sometimes i start to believe i actually am. i was very actively posting about the war when it first started, but now as i have seen more and more how cruel people are towards jews i just don’t post much at all on anything besides tumblr. i worry my online friends think i don’t care, and especially that i somehow don’t care about palestinians, when i do, and i always have! but do i have to subject myself to such upsetting information everyday to care? why can i not be afforded a break? why aren’t jewish people allowed to mourn for the loss of life in israel and the hostages without being accused immediately of hating palestinians and wanting them dead? how come non-palestinian muslims are widely allowed to center themselves in this conversation (obviously, muslims are hurting too, though) and talk about their feelings but jews aren’t allowed to? why are jewish people not allowed to feel anything? why must we ignore one group’s suffering and insist that another’s is more important to acknowledge? why?

and i’m just scared, because i don’t know what to believe. maybe israel is somehow doing all these terrible things and im actually evil for doubting it? idk if that makes sense, but it’s how i feel. i’ve witness very disturbing behavior from both zionists and antizionists, and it’s tiring. i have seen members of the former camp saying “there are no innocents in gaza” and members of the latter saying “there are no innocents in israel”. it’s why i can’t really identify with either party, so i feel alone. by its simplest definition i am a zionist, but people have turned that word to mean a million different things that at times it just feels like its lost its meaning. and when i see someone say “zionists dni” on their acc its like… what do you even mean?

i think there are a lot of well-meaning people in the pro palestine crowd, and i don’t think that’s wishful thinking either. though obviously, there are a lot of truly vindictive people out there who have nothing but hatred in their hearts. but i now get anxious to see an account i follow post something pro-palestine. and i feel so horrible about it. i know many of these people have good intentions, but i automatically assume there is something more sinister going on, whether it’s someone i know personally or not posting about it. and i don’t want to! i want to believe most people are good! or at least decent! but i can’t.

i just wish i didn’t have to be bombarded with so much information whenever i log on to interact with fandom posts. but i worry that means i don’t care. but i really think i do… i can’t not care. but sometimes i feel like im not caring enough

.

[splatcat64]

the same goes to you for getting excited LOL !! that was a very endearing talk about the both of them (all four of them) it was super interesting :) i love hearing other ppls thoughts on characters. honestly i see all ur points and agree with everything. :P one of the few ppl in the current blands tag (or overall, i know this place has been a nightmare) mentioning jack being a genocidal fascist so im like I Respect You . im a bit shy to babble on my thoughts but theres SOOOO MUCH. idk what u use for music so ill just tell u text so u can look it up - its on my general borderlands playlist but it was such a fiona song to me but the hand that feeds by the crane wives.. i know the lyrics are about not caring about money but the symbolism is important to me . i have parts that make me go nuts but you know . hehe

I am SO glad we’re on the same page lmao thank you!!! This really warms my heart :}

I totally understand being shy to spit out your thoughts, often, if I’m not having trouble just getting the words out in general, I’m too damn scared to say anything. Just recently I worked up the courage to actually speak what I think here. And I am GLAD I can be of service in that way oh my god. I respect u too it’s been. A huge honor, I stalk literally all the tags and it can be like a minefield. Like, It’s okay to like Jack as a character, he’s a compelling villain and I think he’s really well written. But he’s genocidal and a fascist… that can’t be ignored bl2 literally yells it at you. However an analysis of him is definitely not for this post and definitely not my strongest suit, we’ll see about that on my side.

And I use Spotify! Seeing you mention crane wives made my brain EXPLODE because not only are they a reaaaally Fiona like band, it gives real Sasha vibes, and just tales/borderlands in general. I’m definitely biased because of stuff with me and my friends own stories and headcanons and ocs, but even with a grain of salt if you or anyone wants to check more songs out pleaaase do. I definitely agree that I can see how the hand that feeds is soooo Fiona but I’m gonna go run and listen to it in the context of her now.

BUT I do have some Crane wives songs that I one, just recommend in general, and two, can fit the tales cast really well. High Horse, Curses [it’s popular I know but trust me I have a vision], and Arcturus Beaming.

High horse just reminds me of Fiona and Sasha a lot, it’s been influenced by stuff me and my best friend come up with so. Again. Biased, but it’s a GOOD song. Arcturus Beaming is new, and it’s not some people’s fav but because it reminded me so much of the tales cast I have a very good opinion of it. For lack of better words that shit was so good I immediately slapped that shit on my tales’ oc’s playlist cause holy shit. Good song. AND THE SYMBOLISM GOD. Anyways those are my recs if you wanna check them out, otherwise, Tysm and Ty for the song rec I appreciate it so so so much!!!!

[bright-and-burning]

okay yeah i didn't know that there's the different ai stuff and that this is generative ai BUT GOD AM I HAPPY to see that you know the difference between ai and ml like !!! this is not ai !!! it's such a trend now and it's so wrong and so frustrating beyond the, in this case, misogynistic aspects of it. like this is not ai !! but that sounds catchy and URGH so frustrating. okay that's all i love ur additional tags thank u xoxo

yeah!! i did my undergrad degree focused on this kind of stuff (and dropped out of doing a phd in it at the last minute) so it's Literally my roman empire. like. i took so many courses in this and THEN it blew up right at the end of my degree and the misinformation........ chatgpt getting massive my senior year of college made me soooo mad i legit started to resent my field. like this particular use is particularly egregious (why hire a woman in an area severely lacking in women when we can rampantly misuse important computational and REAL LIFE resources to create a fake woman to "talk" abt SUSTAINABILITY!!!) but in general i am like constantly infuriated by AI bullshit from a lot of different sides bc Everyone overestimates/glorifies it/turns it into something it isn't, essentially. (rant abt AI from an AI perspective under the cut that idk might be informative or interesting LOL. i tried not to get technical but i did get mad)

generative ai drives me BONKERS bc it's literally not artificial intelligence. chatgpt is NOT AI it's fucking glorified predictive chat and all the dumbass tech bros on linkedin and twitter who hail it as like world changing infuriate me lol. like chatgpt literally works by calculating the word with the highest probability to come next in the sentence/in response to that prompt based on the data it trained on. is that super impressive ignoring the real world stuff going on? yeah!! it is! it's doing really well and it's fascinating in an academic sense. but then you put it in the real world context, where dumbass tech bros and business leaders worship it as god and where SEO morons use it to turn the internet to sludge and it's like oh god WHY.

and the ai art bullshit oh my god. ok i took a machine vision class right. and like literally one of my projects was to write code that could take in a photo and output it in the "style" of another photo. like as the cs version of a creative exercise, basically (they give u a Lot of projects that are basically write ur own version of an algorithm that's already been written more efficiently by someone else, bc that's how you can kind of pick it apart and really understand it, it's like reverse engineering) to show us how that works. (photos from that project are below; i took the cactus photo and then i "combined" it with a monet. i am STAUNCHLY anti-ai "art" btw this was Lich rally an assignment lol). but do you know what i learned (and what my whole class learned)? it's not fucking magic. it's LINEAR ALGEBRA. it's linear algebra on a truly batshit crazy level, combined with some crazy optical physics equations, but it's literally math. technically speaking, if you had infinite time, and were really insanely good at math (and really really perfect abt not making mistakes), you could do it by hand lol.

ai art from prompts? that's just turning words into numbers (not hard!! i did a project that did that in my second year of undergrad in literally 6hrs!!!) and THEN doing some crazy math and turning numbers into PIXELS! the computer does not know what is going on. it is a FANCY CALCULATOR. WHEN U THINK ABT IT LIKE THAT ASSIGNING HUMAN TRAITS TO MATH IS INSANE.

like tech bros who are like bro chatgpt is aliveeee bc they talk to it is like. if i made my high school graphing calculator draw a smiley face and then was like omg it has emotions......

anyways. like do you know how many projects ive worked on that use AI/ML for GOOD??? like. same kind of techniques that ppl use to create generative ai "art" algorithms? used to do things like detect cancer in scans before human doctors can do it with any confidence. isn't that so fucking cool???? i interviewed w a professor who used machine vision (so literally the field that is now seen as being abt ai art) to figure out what nutritional/vitamin deficiencies ppl in remote villages in madagascar are likely to have based on SATELLITE IMAGERY. so that the overworked underfunded public health ministry could more easily meet their needs without necessarily having to do expensive testing on everyone! i mean, shit, i've worked on really cool sports analytics projects using machine vision. that's not exactly saving lives lol but like. just goes to show how many positive applications there are!

in terms of chatgpt vibes like. i've worked on natural language processing! it has so much more potential than spitting out misinformation!! silly projects for classes, like classifying what political party a politician belonged to based on their tweets, but also more serious stuff in the research i did, like analyzing international public opinion by demographic and country on various conflicts based on individuals' social media posts! analyzing covid vaccine opinions based on demographics, and how to encourage vaccination rates based on that!!

idk it's just. infuriating. that ceos and dumbass business majors (sorry to business majors but i have met a Very Specific Type who like to butt into my field and i am Not A Fan) have completely twisted these really and truly interesting projects and applications. to continually make more money and to cut out/replace more and more people. and the way funding has mirrored this kind of interest, in part bc it makes money (the remote villages nutrition thing is never gonna make money. working on chatgpt on the other hand...) and in part bc of like. basically fear-mongering? you get so much more attention for research in these really dramatized fields (and people lie ALL THE TIMMEEEEEEE to get more interest) and it's all CAP. it's BULLSHIT. and it's just to create buzz for big tech companies' bottom lines. they don't care that it's fear based, or whatever. like people being terrified abt the impact of generative ai bc of bullshit headlines and disinformation HELPS THEM make MORE MONEY. and it's so FUCKING STUPID!!!! it makes me SICK!!!!!!

anyways. it's all math, at the end of the day. and i found a job where i get to use it to help people but i still am like deeply grossed out by what comes out of my field and gets popular bc . i got into this bc i loooove data i love information i love finding things out. and i love using those things to help people... and there are ppl using the things i love to hurt people......... it makes me so sad. and mad.

[forlorn-crows]

sorry to jump in here very last minute you can just ignore this one if you want but i wanted to share my thoughts on Dewdrop. i keep seeing people say that he shouldnt be characterised as weak or over-emotional and trust me i 100% get it i have read so many fics where he has been made out to be way too angry and snappy and just rude. but also on the flipside i dont think hes the strongest or most well adjusted ghoul in the slightest. if we're going down the route of "Dewdrop has been through a lot of trauma" then i gotta say that trauma does not make you stronger. no matter how much you'd like to think it does it really doesnt. it puts you into survival mode sure but honestly it doesnt give you any advantage over someone else who hasnt been through the same stuff as you. and i dont know if im just projecting my own experiences here (because lets be honest a large amount of hcs are just people projecting so its pretty hard to argue that anyone's "wrong" about anything. and thats not even going into how the only characterizations we have for the ghouls is how they act on stage and different people will interpretate that differently) i definitely see Dew as being kind of a wreck emotionally at first. i think hes definitely healed and moved on and is happy and pretty stable now but also there are times where things do get too much and there have been times where he hasnt been able to cope properly. hes messy and complicated and he is very strong but hes not strong because of his trauma if that makes sense. and hes also soft and caring and sweet too thats an important part of his character too. idk if any of this makes sense ive probably contradicted myself here at one point and i really do respect everyone's hcs and idea but this is just my thoughts on it.

no absolutely, trauma is a nuance in itself. do i think dew is perhaps the most well versed in it? yes, however you want to take that lmao. i think with that experience perhaps he can make himself appear stronger, in order to protect if thats what he feels he has to do.

and yes, thats more of what i was trying to say originally. its not the trauma itself that makes him strong, its everything else he does because of it, in spite of it, etc. it IS messy and complicated, and he has ABSOLUTELY broken down about all these things we hc to have gone through. absolutely.

healing is a very non linear thing, generally speaking. im sure much is the same for fictional ghouls lmao. i bet theres still some really hard days for him, days where all he wants to do is get mad and lash out or curl up into a ball and be alone. maybe resilient is a better word for him. and yeah, he, like many of us, doesnt maybe want to be resilient, he wants bad things to stop happening to him lmao. but hes learned a lot from all those things and from his pack on how to start becoming a stronger person.

[time-is-restored]

ted lasso 3x11

got through the latest episode tonight, below are unassorted ramblings abt a kansas ending (which i, despite being almost certain is where the show is heading, am still ardently rooting against):

so i was talking a little with my family abt the extremely likely kansas ending*, and was mentioning how much i really don't vibe with it. i said smth like 'i mean, what's even there for him in kansas?' to which they said (fairly, and rightfully!) 'his son!'. like, that's a pretty bulletproof argument, so i guess im just writing this to figure out why i feel like even that isn't. idk. enough?

[*though if that is the ending, what's the point of the cliffhanger? it's the most obvious + expected outcome, how would it be a 'reveal'? idk, some part of me is still praying for one of those classic Twists™ ig]

like. we've known that ted has a kid since day one. we've known that he loves + misses that kid since day one. according to the text, the number one reason ted left kansas was as a last ditch effort to save his marriage, by giving michelle as much space as humanly possible. they were divorced by the middle of the season, and ted chose to stay at the end.

so like. idk. am i missing something? did he just stay bc he felt an obligation to the team? and now that they're doing well (absurdly, breaking the bounds of belief well), he feels okay moving on? like many ppl have already pointed out, that's a pretty standard plot line in these kind of stories: the mary poppin's style exit stage right. but, say ted goes home (potentially even without beard???? agh??). what's happened to him, these past few seasons? what's different now?

like, it kind of feels like im only gonna be hurt by reading in between the lines here, but kansas doesn't seem to hold a lot of good associations for ted w/o the bedrock of his + michelle's marriage. he's reduced to a morose, spaced out mess within 5 minutes of talking with his mother, he very nearly goes through the Extremely fucked up move of paying someone to spy on michelle after seeing her + jake together for an afternoon, and ofc if anything even remotely reminds him of his dad he gets triggered really badly.

and of course, maybe the idea is 'well, he's started to cope with that all now, and he's starting to talk openly with his mum + grieve his dad, so he has the tools to return' but like. does he???? his support system are EXTREMELY london based. setting aside sharon since he could always telehealth w her, all of the positive progress he's made in his 'home' life seem to exclusively come after he talks w his support group at richmond.

he ended up admitting he was mad at michelle after speaking with the diamond dogs, he was pulled out of his obsessive spiral by rebecca, and he was able to put words to his feelings abt his mum by talking w jamie. to be clear, those are all massively positive things for ted to have done, and i think they at least make a good case for ted progressive positively w his mental health (even if its all gotten a bit tell don't show in this last season). but like. what happens when all that's on the other side of an ocean?

to be clear, from the perspective of real life, it absolutely makes sense that ted would want to return to his son. but on a narrative level, im just. i feel like im being expected to take certain things about ted + henry's relationship for granted, when the text itself hasn't even tried to make those things apparent.

is henry miserable or even generally upset when he has to leave his dad/go back to his mum? not that we ever see! im pretty sure the only time we've seen henry explicitly upset is when ted was ignoring him while he was like five feet away which, yeah, mood! and last we saw, henry even sees more enthused abt richmond winning the whole thing than ted is, so its not like he thinks his dad is just going away to do absolutely nothing of import.

do ted and henry not spend a lot of time together/talk very often? technically we don't see enough of ted's daily routine to know for sure, but the casual mention of playing roblox seems to imply they spend a lot of time together! and ofc none of their phone calls ever have the vibe of 'i haven't spoken to you in ages, here's ALL THE THINGS you've missed!'. they're almost all abt stuff that happened that day.

is ted struggling with being away from henry? well... yes, duh, but i don't even think this season's done particularly well establishing THAT (incredibly obvious and free) piece of ted characterisation.

is ted capable of feeling anything other than vague nostalgia (ie: all of his annecdotes being set there) or extreme distress wrt kansas? apparently not! like, seriously, what is there for him? does he have any friends? a job? family that isn't his mother? where's he gonna live? does he miss the weather? his neighbours? like i am literally on my hands and knees give me ONE (1) concrete opinion ted has about the fucking place that isn't about its FOOD (<- ESPECIALLY coming off the back of an episode where ted was able to experience texan food So Authentic™ that it inspired a literal career-changing epiphany?? like HOW are we supposed to take that as anything other than 'ted is at his best when he acknowledges BOTH of his lives rather than cutting one out in favour of the other'???).

idk. i guess my real problem this late in the game is i can see so many POTENTIAL versions of this show, but what ive been given doesn't feel like it matches up with any of them.

i can imagine a story in which ted's avoidance + variations upon running-away tactics for dealing w conflict get thoroughly deconstructed and challenged while in london, so at the end of the show he's finally emotionally prepared to return to his life in kansas even though it's never going to be a fairytale picturesque no-problems-ever ending again.

i can imagine a story in which going back to kansas isn't good for ted, and will be a major sacrifice, but it's a sacrifice he will be making with the support of his new friends + family, and something that he is determined to make in order to be there w his son, all meaningfully juxtaposed w how he feels his dad 'quit' on him.

i can imagine a story where ultimately, the life that ted's made alongside richmond is just as important to him as his life in kansas, and so he + michelle work out a more equal and long-term custody arangement* with henry (it definitely seems like the 'you get him for the whole year and i get him on school break' was something haphazardly worked out while they were both still under the assumption he'd be in richmond for less than a year), and they alternate who goes to whose home for holidays and shit.

[*side note, why hasn't that come up at all? i'd personally think somewhere around the six month mark of working overseas i'd want to have a talk w my expartner + kid about a schedule that isn't so much of a 80/20 split? like, it's fine if henry moving isn't on the table at all for one reason or another, but at least take the time to actually SAY that??? like, what does michelle do for a living? why is SHE so happy to stay there? give me Literally Anything here gang!!!]

...but ultimately what ive actually seen on screen feels like it fits into none of those categories. eleven hours (in as many episodes!! HOUR! long! episodes!!!!!!) in and i feel like i know infinitely less about ted + his mental state than i did in s1. like, from episode to episode, the writer's aren't sure if he's stuck, or progressing, or going through that classic recovery 'one step forwards, two steps back' dance, or just completely and utterly depressed. there's no continuity. nothing that happens to him in one episode seems to have literally any bearing at all on the ted in the next episode. if u scrubbed all of the notable Ted Scenes™ of any overarching plot references, and shuffled them all up, i genuinely think you would end up w a plateau of scenes totally indistinguishable from each other!*

[*of course, this is my main critique of s3 for like. literally everyone, but it's paticularly damning when im left feeling this lost about the main fucking guy.]

i don't know. i guess after the past few weeks of being really genuinely hurt + angry + upset abt the choices made this season, the feeling im left with near the end of it all is. underwhelmed. and im really not sure what 3x12 could possibly do to change that feeling... even if i am still regrettably, but sincerely rooting for a last minute switcheroo.

[sorcerous-caress]

My writing used to be really descriptive and environmental, but I've abandoned that for more a narrative heavy storytelling where a narrator is your window for the world.

And honestly idk, the narrative comes naturally to me, and the descriptive has to be actively put in, I have to train myself to write it each time and squeeze my brain.

It also gets dull with time. there are only so many ways and times I could describe the sun shining in the morning before it gets redundant. but the same can be said for how much I love narrating longing and end up resusing the same phrases.

So far I only describe what I think is important to the environmental telling, unless it has a purpose then I leave it up to the reader to imagine what colour the couch was or what sheets the bed had.

But I didn't realise that readers' default response is just... to keep it blank. if I don't tell them there are curtians then they'll never imagine it, If I don't spell the way the food smelled then they'll never find it delicious, if I don't describe the ways the tree swayed then they'll never get a meter of how windy it is.

I never got criticism or hate comments for it, the opposite, I got compliments on my descriptive works saying how much they could imagine the world clearly, praising how well I've painted it. And those compliments motivate me to try more and put in more effort than a wall of criticism ever could.

I guess I need to hit a balance. "a beautiful webbing" was one of my works where I hit that perfect spot of balance between narration and environmental telling, but also that fic was a special case, a project I held immense passion for and it seems exhausting to have to do that to each fic especially with how i need to post at least once every three days.

ik quality over quantity and all but let's be realistic, this is fanfiction and not every story is a one I want to be top tier quality. not everyone wants to read an S tier fic, sometimes the B and C tier are absolutely preferable and easier on the mind. like a snack, there are many of them and they get to the poin faster.

I hate people who claim they're hard to please in fanfiction and only read completed works with 20+ chapters and 60k words. Who demand perfection for free and are proud of it whilst being willfully ignorant of how each type of fic shines differently. Not everyone wants to tell a story the same way, one shots are not less superior than multie chaptered works.

Your preference isn't superior to everyone else's, that one shot you glossed over could've been the most in character thing every written in the history of the fandom. Could've told a complex story through a couple lines. I've always admired people who can say so much in so little, who can summerise long paragraphs in multiple words.

It could also just be an average normal one shot, and that's fine and okay and is absolutely someone's preference. A lot of people like comfort snacks to enjoy.

Anyway the point is. I will try to get more descriptive, i try to avoid watching writing guides or reading about writing tips and tricks. The advice they give is really generic and I find that it boxes you in this regressive view of how writing should be. No matter how good the advice is, If it gets too overwhelming and it feels like you're doing nothing right then please take a step back and ignore everything everyone else has ever said.

Art is you, it's expression and communication. You want to feel it so you make it, you want to tell it so you share it. That's all, that's the end.

Be it erotica, crack fics, alternative universe or whatever. No one in this world can make it like you, it's fully personalised to your own mind and no one in this life could tell that story but you.

Oh I also have a clear lack of dialogue, I feel like it's one of the trickiest things to write because how easily it could break characters. How I have to keep spreadsheets analysing the way each character speaks.

Which, there are no spreadsheets, btw. I keep it in my mind.

Take Minthara for example, she is direct, forward and orders things. She never says "I think" or "maybe" she never asks either, she demands.

She wouldn't say "I hope we don't lose" instead she'd phrase it as "We will emerge victorious."

She likes using complex or flourishy words but never like Gale or Wyll, their type of flourish is entirely different and means to honey the words, whilst Minthara's mean to make the sentence more regal, aristocratic rather than noble. She uses them deliberately to show off statues while Gale uses them to show off intelligence, and Wyll does it for charm and theatrical poetry.

She doesn't take shortcuts either. She doesn't say "don't." Instead she separates it to "Do not." And forces you to listen to her long phrases, a small form of power play where she never makes herself or words smaller, she always uses them fully as they are.

And I have to do this for each character, you see how exhausting this easily can be. How every character also speaks as if they're from a different time. Karlach speaks more modernly but it's never like the common people talk in bg3, so she just...has access to modern dialogue and phrases for some reason?

Astarion never speaks like he is 200 years old either, not like an elf either. Halsin speaks like an elf, Cazador speaks like an elf, but not Astarion for some reason, and I have to keep that in mind.

Wyll is the easiest to write because his way of speech flows so well with my own writing, they compliment each other. Unlike how jarring Karlach dialogue in one of my fics.

Shadowheart is a character who uses filler words a lot, stalling or just uncertainty? She uses "I think, Maybe, is that so, I don't know but, I guess." Inbetween her sentences.

Maybe it's bc of the gaps in her memory? But it works in her favourite because I just need to remove the filler words whenever I want her to appear serious or whenever I want to flush out an important moment, it brings attention subtly to how reassured she is of her self.

Lae'zel speaks her heart in a way, she vocalises her observations to others and they take it as either criticism or praise when it's most likely that she meant neither and is just observing. Honestly to make it simpler, Lae'zel speaks autisticly which I relate to a lot, and which is why so many misunderstandings happen around her character when people assume she is mean or making fun of them when in reality she is indifferent and saying her thoughts loud and clear as they are.

People don't usually do that, they don't express their feelings as directly as Lae'zel. They hint it at, subtly or they play it down or exaggerate it. Lae'zel does neither, she speaks directly from the source and every word is deliberately chose and is exactly what she meant it.

But people aren't used to that, taking words at face value. And because they're used to people exaggerating or down playing their words, they assume Lae'zel is doing the same and filter her words through the same social protocol which ends up making her look too horny or too mean when she is neither. They needlessly attach meanings to her words that weren't there and complain about the results that they themselves made up when she already delivered the final results herself.

Astarion speaks like a 13-year-old who just learned what irony and sarcasm are. But put it through a modern dracula adaptation Snapchat filter, and you get the final results. He thinks he comes off as smooth, and sometimes he does, but it mostly falls flat and he comes off as johhny bravo.

His looks are what's important here, since they more than make up for his failure in words. Much like most of Edward Cullens lines were absolutely wild but because a sexy vampire was saying it then suddenly it becomes palatable.

But Astarion has his moments in relatablity. He is by far the most relatable character in dialogue. He says what we all wanted to say, but we didn't just to save face. He makes the crude jokes, he makes the sex innuendos andpenis dagger lame puns.

He also screams at the word and calls out. He also curses back at the gods who dammned him. He embraces his rage and resentment and expresses it without any shame. He lets the smooth facade fall and claws at the other performers on the stage of life as his own masks start to crack down. The only thing Astarion has ever been fully honest about is his own wrath, it's the single unpolished spot on his perfect surface, the single crack in his procline mask.

And there is something about how a one can't describe Astarion without resorting to poetry, how it writes itself at certain points because just like the sea, he is as beautiful as he is ruthless, as tender as the crashing waves against the jagged rocks, as fleeting as the dissipating sea foam receading back from the shore.

He can never be broken much like the fluid water can never snap. And it's this burning flame behind his failed flirting that pulls you in, the sparks of his passion that slip through that make his lame lines actually work, that make him so enticing.

[autismvampyre]

ok so audhd rant/asking for advice

we had a psychologicist come to the class to explain autism and adhd today. the reason why is bc i have faced a lot of discrimination, ableism and bullying from my peers bc of my disorders. my teachers felt we should all learn what the words mean and why they should never be used as insults, and how that can affect someone, which is a nice sentiment.

the person they picked was recommended by my mother, which should've been my first warning sign, bc try as she might my mother does not understand the autistic community. she trusts the professionals which is good bc im not a doctor and they're qualified, i get it; but also i dont fucking trust professionals to understand me because not once did my doctors help me understand when i was diagnosed. i asked to meet her before she came to the school, but my mom insisted she was great so i held back and tried to be hopeful, because even if a lot of my experience with professionals has been negative doesn't mean they're all bad and ignorant

anyways, she was exactly like every other psychologist ever and explained everything in the most basic way ive even seen. she literally sounded like the people who explained my diagnoses to me when i got them at age 11 and those mf's were literally useless. it took me years to actually understand what my disorder meant and i only figured it out by talking to other people with autism and adhd instead of reading shit by professionals and autism moms. the way we are portrayed by psychiatrists is not my experience at all and they often use outdated language and speak in very broad terms and don't bring up any of the things that i find important. i know not everyone with adhd and autism is the same but i genuinely cannot relate to the way they talk about us at all. like, this psychiatrist didn't even mention executive dysfunction and kept talking about how it "isn't an excuse" and fucking everyone agreed.

i feel like almost an anti-vaxxer, claiming i know better than doctors, so i genuinely do try to understand and accept doctors but i just cant fucking stand it. am i wrong for thinking she's wrong? like she has a degree, but she also doesn't seem to understand me and idk if im just a weird outlier even in my neurodivergence or if im right and she doesn't truly understand. like im not a doctor, im just a person who has these disorders but i genuinely feel misrepresented and like all these explanations are for other people to understand that they have to put up with me. i feel infantilised and really fucking bummed. like, i knew she wasn't gonna be perfect bc she isn't actually in the community but the level of generalization and misinformation was so disappointing

i feel fucking crazy. cause who am i to disagree with her when she's the professional, yk?? im no one. they won't listen to me. my classmates can't empathize with me like they do each other, and so many of them think they get it bc they're white teenage boys with adhd that are low support(and im happy for them that they feel good about it!! genuinely! and not saying they aren't valid, but in my experience many of them tend to unknowingly invalidate other people with the disorder who are different than them/have higher support needs) and can't seem to understand that other people have different experiences and struggles with the same disorder. i also live in a very conservative city, and even if the school is more liberal, we are still very high in MUF(the moderate party's youth) and you can tell because everyone i know is either apolitical or conservative, except me and the three leftists. it's a hostile environment, and i feel like im rambling but whatever. i needed to get it off my chest

[isa-ghost]

Thinking abt how like an entire decade before QSMP, Latin Americans and their culture were already so present in my life and I never really properly thought abt that, or how much I genuinely love and enjoy it.

It fills me with so much nostalgia and I love seeing and hearing about certain Latam things that I already know because I'm already familiar with them from the past.

My closest childhood friends were a massive Puerto Rican family, their mom treated my sister and I like her own. We were taken with on outings, given clothes and meals, spent nearly every day all day hanging out with them either at their place or around my neighborhood.

I was the oldest of the group and would sometimes help look after or play with the toddler of the family, who absolutely fucking adored me. I remember just naturally picking up on (or perhaps autistically echoing) some of their Spanish slang, like "chancla" or "sala," and their mom absolutely thrilled to hear this White preteen just casually using it (and saying it correctly!) I told the toddler to find her chanclas and their mom overheard me and lit up like a Christmas tree about it.

I never bat an eye at how they lived, even if things were dirty or broken or whatever. To my 11+ year old ass, they were just poor like my family. The economy sucks, there are more important things to prioritize besides cleaning and sometimes you just can't afford to fix stuff that's broken. Shrug, it happens. That, and I already had a vague clue at that point that struggling poc families were often given even less help than struggling White families. I just wasn't online enough at that point to hear stories from poc about just how bad the disparities are. But still, even at that age, with barely any clue about the real extent of it, I still never thought about how they lived like a xenophobic asshole would. I just kinda accepted That's How It Be Sometimes and rolled with it. I remember even helping them clean the house sometimes. My sister and I were basically honorary family, so why not?

As I got more self-aware, I'd find it so funny that since I spent so much time with them, I'd catch myself (this time definitely autistically) code switching and talking like them until I went home and eventually went back to speaking like,, idk, an average White Midwesterner I guess?? Sometimes I even catch it happening present day when I hang out for a long time with my irl Mexican friends.

One of my mom's best friends online (who we got to meet in person) was also Latina, and she taught us other misc Spanish words and funny stories about them. To this day my mom, sister & I will yell "AFUERA!" at each other and start giggling. It's especially sweet, because that friend ended up passing away, so now it's kind of said in memory of her. She and one of my mom's other Latina friends taught me baby's first Latin Folklore, which hilariously was La Llorona; it freaked my sister out.

In hindsight, I really deeply appreciate getting to experience and learn about it all firsthand before seeing stuff online. I've realized now that it's given me just a pinch more of an advantage spotting harmful stereotypes and microaggressions (damn, it's almost like if you take the time to learn, you won't be such a shithead /s). Not to mention I knew to ignore any garbage said by racists I encountered irl. I'm not the best at wording things sometimes, so I generally let actual Latin people call out bs like that (that and White Saviorism is cringe), but I always try to be good about boosting what they say and backing them up.

And coming into QSMP last year with all that knowledge through experience (and seeing some posts on here from Latino people abt dif things), it made things so much more fun. I'd hear things I was familiar with and get so excited, which sometimes felt so dumb and silly bc I'm sure from a Latino's POV I was just some random ass gringa getting hyped over the most mundane shit.

But it still made QSMP more fun, and I loved getting to learn even more Latin culture through it, because I've long since fallen out of touch with the family I was friends with, and even so, what I was learning from them was specifically Puerto Rican, Latin USAmerican based. There are so many other places in Latin America I never got to learn about until QSMP. Like holy shit, Brazil is so fucking cool and I want to go there some day so bad.

It's been so fucking cool to learn things from other parts of Latin America, especially from people that actually live in the countries, not just USAmerican Latinos.

Idk, I just found myself reflecting on everything for a moment and I'm realizing just how much I appreciate what I've gotten to learn and experience. Latin Americans and their culture are so fucking cool.

[itsbinghebitch]

I was trying not to get involved in everything going on right now but after reading your last post I just felt I had to say something. Firstly you seem like a really mature and thoughtful person which is such a breath of fresh air in online spaces in general. The way you're handling the situation is really admirable and your words really resonated with me. I'm relatively new to this fandom (I watched KPTS after the shitshow in January) and, after learning what happened, I've done my best to keep my distance from the cast and BOC and just focus on the story and characters. Based on what I'd read about the case I was willing to give Build the benefit of the doubt but the recent leaked messages make that nearly impossible which is also preventing me from enjoying the series which I've come to love. What makes it worse is that I'm an artist who loves VegasPete and, just like you, every time I try to make art with them, I keep thinking about all the awful comments Build made about Bible and it feels plain wrong to draw them together. Even for someone like me who's not emotionally attached to the actors it's really hard to separate them from the characters and it's making my fandom experience pretty miserable. I have very complicated feelings about the whole ordeal - on one hand as a queer person like you I'm tired of people's homophobia and bigotry being swept under the rug, but on the other hand I've seen first hand what an abusive relationship can do to a person so I can't help but feel some compassion for him too. I truly hope he can reflect on his mistakes and heal and grow as a person. Maybe I'm just too old for celebrity culture and drama but I do feel the need to be able to discuss issues like this one in a calm and level headed manner instead of falling victim to black and white thinking and turning things into a witch hunt. Sorry for the rant and feel free to ignore this message, your post just really resonated with me and I wanted to share some of my thoughts on the matter. I hope you have a lovely day/night ❤️

thank u sm for this message.... i really appreciate you taking the time to write about your experience and i'm glad you felt like you could share ❤️

there isn't a clear-cut answer to the whole debacle. whoever tries to sell you one is a scammer or is speaking out of an emotionally clouded place (as i was last week lol).

taking a look back at everything, i think it's important to acknowledge:

1. multiple things can be true at once: you can feel hurt by build's comments and still feel sympathy for his predicament.

2. you should be able to discuss these things without feeling like you'll get, idk. fandom black points. or get blocked by everyone who thinks differently than you (which happened to me), or even hounded and hacked by people to the point of getting your blog shut down (which happened to blramblings).

3. it's really fucking hard to be a fandom creator in these circumstances. i'm really sorry to hear your art has been impacted. especially in the case of vegaspete, i tend to believe there was an "aura" inextricably linking biblebuild as actors to who they were representing on screen. no one but biblebuild could've been vegaspete for me. it was their contrasting facial features, it was in their on-screen rapport and chemistry for me. their choices in portraying the characters, the behind-the-scene interviews... that aura mesmerized me for an entire year literally. and it's not only fine to admit that the situation complicates your fandom art, it should be an *active conversation* we have as fandom creators. because let me tell you, i don't write fic on top of my insane job out of the goodness of my heart. it's because of that spark of joy i feel, that stepping out of the regular day to day. the moment that joy isn't there anymore, it becomes labor. and let me tell you one thing i DON'T do. it's FREE LABOR corporations fuck me on the daily already so why would i let them do it as a hobby too

so yeah thanks so much for sharing your thoughts <3 i rly rly appreciate it and sending you lots of good vibes. who knows what the future holds in store for us etc. etc. but we out here!!!

[gayleviticus]

there's a song we sing at church sometimes called 'come all ye unfaithful' and i kind of hate it, not cus of anything in the song itself, which is fine (though not musically my taste) but it just kinda feels ironic against this christian culture of like. 'we're all broken and nobody's perfect and we should be open about that, but also the ways in which you express that imperfection is very restricted.'

like. idk. it feels like just another way of co-opting the discourse a lot. it's OK to not be OK, but only in very specific and prescribed contexts, and we have to make sure you extract some kind of theologised Gospel message from it in the end.

people can't just be struggling, it has to be like, 'oh this struggling is an opportunity for you to realise that you don't have to be perfect for God's grace is sufficient.' it's not that i don't think theology and faith can speak to these times, but it feels like an approach that is always trying to load more onto people. it rejects the easy answers of ignoring people's brokenness only to immediately invent new easy answers like 'we're all sinners' 'God's grace is enough'. idk. hard to put into words.

the psalms in general feel like they have an honesty this church culture often doesnt, but i particularly like psalm 89, because it starts as any other psalm praising God for his goodness, power, his covenant with David. "His line shall continue forever, and his throne endure before me like the sun. It shall be established forever like the moon, an enduring witness in the skies."

and then suddenly - it shifts: "But now you have spurned and rejected him; you are full of wrath against your anointed." It's almost like the psalmist's set a trap for God - buttering him up with all the usual praise and flattery and then turning the tables. If you made this promise, LORD, why have you betrayed us? Why have you abandoned us?

But at the same time, this very thing shows a depth of faith. If the psalmist had truly lost their faith in God, why appeal to his promises? Why appeal to the sense of goodness, or justice, or integrity of someone you think is fundamentally wicked - or non-existent? It's the psalmist's faith in God's love that pushes them to call God out for this seeming betrayal.

Other psalms (and the Prophets) often blame this betrayal on the sinfulness of Israel, and there's certainly a place for that. But Psalm 89 doesn't - and I think it's important not to read it through that lens. The Psalms give us language for our relationship with God, and it models for us how to feel broken and angry with God.

The psalmist here is still reverent - being angry with someone you love does not justify abuse - but they don't hold back in their criticism. "You have renounced the covenant with your servant; you have defiled his crown in the dust."

Anyway. Idk. that's a bit of a digression, but i think in some ways it would be less frustrating if churches dropped the whole pretence of 'yes, we love being open and honest about our brokenness' if really there are still very specific socially-acceptable ways of expressing that brokenness. (and tbf, part of this may be itself an expectation that people should be open about it with everyone - I think there are ways to process and express struggles openly in a community of trust, but said community of trust will not always be your church or pastor or small group ig)

[cheolism]

regarding your post abiut minghao - yea i totally get where you're coming from.

i myself am overweight and no matter how hard i workout or try to workout, the weight never leaves but comes on so quickly.

what minghao said isn't necessary bad and i don't believe he had any ill intentions and quite frankly i do agree with him BUT the wording was definitely off. idk if it was lost in translation but either way the wording came off as someone who's always been thin and struggles to pick up weight telling people who's not thin to workout in order to be healthy.

working out, i believe, important for everyone regardless of their size. human beings need to be active and that's something i refuse to reject. but at the same time, different people have different bodies and different bodies mean that health won't show the same.

i want to be thin and have abs and look like kazuha from le serrafim, but reality is that i won't. our genetics are different, our drives are different, and so many other things as well.

i believe that loving yourself is being active and eating healthy because your body needs to be healthy. occasionally doing exercise is standard requirement for that but not everyone needs to look like a spartan in order to be healthy.

being fat does not equal being unhealthy and being thin does not equal being healthy but at the same time we cannot let that lead us into becoming unhealthy, which is what i believe minghao was trying to say.

at the end of the day, we need to lead good and healthy lives in order for us to thrive and that does require us to love ourselves, like he said. but that love does not mean we need to all look like mingyu who's ripped af or kazuha whose abs are goals. we simply need to eat well, exercise occasionally, and be kind to our bodies.

Hopefully my response comes out as respectful as i mean it to ❤️

dw lovely it was v respectful!!!! and you're very good w your words!!

general content warning for talk abt bodies n health n mental health

i don't disagree w all of what you said !!! but the key point is: "i believe that loving yourself is being active and eating healthy because your body needs to be healthy". the key words being i believe. and it's okay that you believe that!!! but that isn't everyone's belief, and that's okay too. i think the key part of loving yourself is that you love yourself and only you can say what that looks like for you. for minghao that means working out !! but that doesn't mean he should be speaking about what it means for everyone, especially as he is insanely privileged. and him speaking for everyone is insanely ignorant and i'm not going to pretend otherwise.

there's so much nuance about this subject. it's not as simple as "thin and fat people can only love themselves if they work out". because that's insane! that's such a problematic statement. minghao is privileged: he has money and resources and is able-bodied. there's so much nuance and it's just not as simple as that! there are tons of people that fit into either fat or thin and they have their own circumstances that have to be taken into consideration!

like. i love myself! i'm a fat woman who loves herself, but i a) don't have the money to get a gym membership, b) don't have the confidence to go to my college's gym alone. there's a lot more, like being a full-time student with a part-time job on top of it, but those circumstances don't take away from me loving myself, yk!!!!

anyways. this was a lot of me talking abt nothing in particular lol

[captain-hen]

I saw your tags on a reblog about the show always preferring drama right from S1. I agree with that post completely. I was just wondering why you phrased one of your tags as "buck sleeps with his therapist". It always rubs me the wrong way when people say that. Surely it should be "buck was taken advantage of when he was vulnerable by a therapist who should have her license revoked"? I really really don't wish to start discourse about the show, especially not from something that happened back in S1, and I'm already kinda annoyed at myself for not being able to ignore this and get on with my day. But this particular topic... he wasn't in a state of mind to to provide proper consent and the sentence structure of "he slept with someone" makes Buck the person who chose to take the action on or with someone else. It places the responsibility on him. It's just like all those headlines of "A attacked by XYZ" instead of "XYZ attack A". Why put the onus on the victim? I just don't understand why most people seem to speak about that scene as if it was "just buck being buck"? Surely using the right words to describe that scene is important? Even years later? I don't know the law in different countries but I think it borders on malpractice and/or assault? I know there's all this debate about the overlap between fiction and morality, but surely that's about not judging what fiction real people read? But we've still got to label fictional events for what they are, right? Like, dub-con is dub-con, whether it happens in a fictional or real setting. If we refuse to do that just because it's fictional characters, that's a very slippery slope, I feel. In the long-term, I feel like it could influence what real situations get classified as dub-con. Hopefully not to a level of changing legal/medical systems, but I could see this mentality influencing someone younger or more vulnerable into thinking that such situations are their fault or responsibility instead of the person who has the power. It just seems so wrong to me to talk about this in such a casual joking manner.

look, i get your concerns, but i think you're making a very unfair assumption about my interpretation of that plot point based on a single tag i left on a post—a tag that wasn't even about that scene entirely, but just to point out that the bucklucy kiss doesn't even touch the list of questionable things this show has done. i didn't feel the need to expand on how wrong what his therapist did was—and i do know that it was terrible, and i've talked about it with friends in private messages—because i assumed its a general consensus around here that it was wrong and it didn't need to be discussed further. idk, i had just woken up and i left a brief comment on a post that was already not a very serious one to begin with, this was in no way me trying to minimize what happened. my point wasn't even about the scene with the therapist at all, it was about the fact that the show has done a lot worse, especially in s1.