#idk it warms my heart that one of the first things established in this novel is that people are Good.

[the-eclectic-wonderer]

I’m always so touched at the way everyone does their best to save and protect Jonathan along the journey. They’re clearly, obviously terrified by the Count, so you’d think they’d respect his wishes and try to help him along, if only to ensure no harm comes to them; and instead they try to warn Jonathan, try to dissuade him, give him wards to protect him. The carriage driver even rides like crazy to get there one hour earlier than usual in the hopes of missing the appointment with the Count — that takes major guts!

[farmerlan]

A guide to commonly used honorifics in 魔道祖师/The Untamed

OK - so, I’ve actually seen some confusion floating around on specific honorifics commonly used in 魔道祖师 and I figured I will put a post up to address some of this - especially the situations when they get used. Hopefully it’ll be helpful for fic writers or whoever else out there that’s getting turned around by the various translations.

As with most of Chinese vernacular, there’s a TON of similar, but different situations in which it may be permissible to use certain titles/honorifics, so bear in mind this is not an exhaustive guide. Also, I don’t have a PhD in Chinese honorifics or anything, I’m just a Chinese person that watches/reads a fair amount of historical dramas. So if I missed anything/if there was anything that was kind of unclear in the novel or drama, feel free to let me know!

公子 / gongzi/ master

Let’s start with the hardest so I can get this out of the way. You will see this translated in a variety of different ways - master, young master, sir...and they are all correct! Congratulations, you’ve hit the jackpot - depending on the situation, gongzi can be a whole hodgepodge of things.

Master: The most commonly used version in MDZS. This is a separate meaning of master from some of the honorifics discussed below - it is specifically used to address either:

Your literal master if you are a servant in the household

A somebody from a distinguished household in a polite way

General honorific: Gongzi can also be used between strangers/acquaintances as a respectful term. Gongzi is, in some ways, an indicator of respect of the other person’s status. So oftentimes you’ll find two young masters from different sects referring to each other as gongzi politely, but you wouldn’t find two beggars on the street calling each other that. and it’s usually used to address someone younger or a similar age as you. If you‘re talking to someone who is clearly your senior, use 前辈 or 先生.

Because it has the connotation of youth and aristocracy associated with it, oftentimes innkeepers/sellers may use gongzi to address male customers  (particularly youthful men) because it’s a bit more flattering. Kind of like how the modern day shopkeeper calls you ‘美女’ (beauty) or even ‘亲爱的’（my dear - IDK when this started becoming a thing but if you do any online shopping on Taobao you know what I’m talking about) in China. They don’t actually think you’re beautiful/feel affection for you, it’s just a way of addressing the customer to make you feel good about yourself HA. It’s nice to be called gongzi even if you’re not actually a noble.

There’s variants of this - 小公子/ xiaogongzi is typically young master, although I think some translations just directly use the young master for gongzi. It can also mean the younger master if there is an older sibling in question here (e.g. Wen Chao was referred to as 温小公子 as he was the younger son), although you can also use 二公子 （second master), as many do when referring to Lan Wangji. It sounds a little less juvenile.

This term is used for guys - I would say the female equivalent could be 千金/ qianjin or 小姐 /xiaojie.

宗主 / zongzhu/ sect leader

This can only refer to the sect leader - it is a title, and it is passed down. There is typically only one sect leader at any one time, and his eldest male heir will be the successive leader of the sect. I’m going to take this chance to clear up some misconceptions:

Unless Lan Xichen bears no male heirs before his death, Lan Wangji will not succeed him. Lan Sizhui, given that he is not a Lan by birth, will likely never be the Lan sect leader. Yes yes, we all know he’s the adoptive son, but adoptive means literally nothing in the progenical world of Chinese history. Plus, he’s not even the adoptive son of Lan Xichen, so he is a long, long way down from ever being sect leader unless he forms his own, which he would likely never because that’s kind of like betraying your family.

On that same topic, Nie Huaisang succeeded Nie Mingjue because Nie Mingjue died without an heir and Nie Huaisang was the closest blood relative.

For the Jin sect, the succession would have been Jin Guangshan -> Jin Zixuan -> Jin Ling. (y’all I wrote here that it was Jin Zixun first in line but I totally blanked that he was actually a cousin and NOT the son of JGS so ignore that LOL) Since Jin Zixuan died, it became Jin Guangyao - Jin Ling is next in line as he is of the next generation and too young at that time to rule. Honestly, if Jin Ling was older at the time of Jin Zixuan’s death and if this was a Chinese historical palace drama, there would probably be some serious internal political intrigue going on as Jin Guangyao’s claim over the seat would arguably be weaker than Jin Ling’s since he is illegitimate.

For the Jiang sect, Jiang Cheng is the heir even though Jiang Yanli is older because he is male. The question of who will inherit his seat (a very valid question given his luck with dating, although I am sure someone somewhere will eventually warm the prickly cockles of his heart) remains open. IMO there is a less than zero chance that Jin Ling succeeds him unless Jiang Cheng specifically demands for it, but he likely wouldn’t because he is all about decorum and also it would put Jin Ling in an incredibly difficult situation, which is the last thing he would want for his nephew. If he doesn’t end up producing heirs, the seat will likely go to whomever he names as successor, even if non-blood related - maybe the current head disciple.

With that said, although there were generally established rules for succession, actual Chinese history (like all of history) often played out very differently (e.g. Emperor Kangxi stripped crown prince Yinreng of his right to succeed and appointed Yinzhen (Yongzheng), who was the fourth surviving prince, as his successor) so really, even if you were to base sect succession off imperial succession traditions, you could still make the argument that anything goes as long as you have the right people in your corner. HA.

老祖/ laozu/ grandmaster/forefather

I mean, I think grandmaster is probably a fair translation of laozu, which, to be honest, is a harder honorific to translate. It’s definitely influenced by Taoism and not very common at all, but it’s likely derived from Hongjun Laozu (鸿钧老祖), who was a deity and teacher. It does NOT only stand for a senior teacher/master however, because 祖 itself has ancestral connotations, so I think I would personally translate this as forefather. IMO, it’s really only fair to use this on Wei Wuxian and/or originators of a certain branch of study in the MDZS universe - I would consider laozu as the term of respect afforded to people who were pioneers in their fields/sects.

In that sense, Lan Qiren is NOT the grandmaster of the Lan sect. He is an elder - a very respected elder that was basically interim sect leader, but in terms of official title, technically, Lan Xichen could pull rank on him, but he likely wouldn’t unless pressed to because he is also Lan Xichen’s elder.

前辈 / qianbei/ senior/elder

This is kind of an in-between term to politely refer to someone who is your senior, but with whom you really have no formal affiliation with. Unlike 先生, it’s also unisex. A related term is 长辈 /zhangbei, but that is used for people whom you have familial/closer ties with - like an uncle, or someone within your own sect.

师父/师尊/ shifu/shizun / master

Your teacher/master, but not in the servant-master context. Someone who mentors you for years - in the xianxia/wuxia culture, this is a pretty special term because most disciples will only ever belong to one sect and will only ever have one master, and everyone else is a qianbei. The disciple has to ‘拜师’ (to formally request this relationship) and the master also has to ‘收徒’ (to formally accept disciples). So a lot of people went to Yiling in an attempt to 拜师, but Wei Wuxian never did 收徒.

In the wuxia/xianxia context, shifu is technically unisex even though 父 in itself is a male-centric term, although female masters might be more commonly referred to by the gender-neutral shizun instead.

Now that I think about it, shifu doesn’t actually appear in MDZS. Lan Wangji calls Lan Qiren 叔父 /shufu, which is completely different. It means uncle (father’s younger brother, to be exact lol), since that is their relationship.

老头/ laotou/ old man

Wei Wuxian uses this to address Lan Qiren behind his back. It literally just means old man, haha. It’s informal but not a term you would use to refer to someone who is close to you/whom you like, but not exactly a term that is insulting or derogatory, although in Lan Qiren’s case, it is irreverent because it is ill-fitting for the relationship that Wei Wuxian and Lan Qiren have. Meant to be used on men, usually for women it would be 老婆婆/ laopopo (NOT THE SAME as 老婆/ laopo, which means wife. Welcome to the weird wonderful world of the Chinese language!)

师弟/哥/兄/姐/妹/ shi di/ge/xiong/jie/mei/ younger brother/ older brother/ another variant of older brother/ older sister/ younger sister

NOT TO BE USED FOR YOUR ACTUAL FAMILY. This is in the context of the sect only. Your fellow disciples, but with varying levels of seniority. Familial honorifics are a whole different thing.

In the context of the sect, who you call your shidi/ge etc. is usually NOT based on age - it is based on someone’s seniority within the sect. If you have been in the sect/under your master’s tutelage for longer, you are the senior, even if you are younger in age.

With that, I think the novel states that both Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng are similar in age, so it is actually incredibly hard to determine if the author deliberately went against this convention and Wei Wuxian calls Jiang Cheng shidi because he is genuinely younger than Wei Wuxian, or if it is simply because Wei Wuxian is the head disciple of the sect (and therefore, technically, everyone is his shidi). I actually think it might be the former because he refers to Jiang Yanli as shijie, although now that I think about it, it might be the latter...as a reflection of the level of admiration Wei Wuxian has for Jiang Yanli WOAH.

(Fun fact: there’s a scene in the novel in Yi city where Wei Wuxian was silently weirded out that Xiao Xingchen referred to him as ‘qianbei’ - because Xiao Xingchen is his mother’s shidi, which makes him Wei Wuxian’s senior, but then he quickly realizes it’s because he’s talking to Xue Yang and not Xiao Xingchen.)

先生 /xiansheng/ mister/sir/teacher

In present day, this is literally the most vanilla term you can use to politely address a guy. Can be a stranger, or an acquaintance you want to politely address. Usually older than you, although if you’re both similar in age and you’re not really familiar with each other, you might still use it just to err on the side of caution. In xianxia/ancient China, this is usually used more like ‘teacher/sir’ to address an elder. It’s more scholastic in its implication and less generic than qianbei.

In the Lan sect, by crowd definition, 先生 refers to Lan Qiren unless otherwise stated, which makes sense and shows the amount of respect he is afforded in the sect.

夫人 / furen/ wife/madam

A term of respect for typically older women, or can also be used to refer to one’s wife.

Lastly, let me just add that this is just something that’s meant to be helpful for people as they work through the series - at the end of the day, it’s all fictional/xianxia itself as a genre is fantasy so if you need to subvert any one of the generally held succession traditions or whatnot in order to make your fic work, go!!! Do it!!!

[pumpkinpaix]

Hi I don’t know if anyone has asked you this already, but do you find it strange that we are never given either of the Nie brothers’ given names nor Jin ZiXuan’s, when it’s common practice (at least in the show) to address yourself by your given and courtesy names?

Hey there! :D No, no one has asked me this yet, ahaha.

To be honest, I don’t find it strange, but that’s mostly because I think MXTX assigned names as it was convenient/as it suited her. I do think in some cases, you can try to find textual reasons, like limited POV (@hunxi-guilai made a post about how that might explain why Jiang Cheng is disproportionately referred to by birth instead of courtesy name here).

In the case of Jin Zixuan, I think that makes a lot of sense. Since mdzs and cql are largely from Wei Wuxian’s POV, and he clearly already knows Jin Zixuan, there’s no need for him to reintroduce himself, which is usually where we get people mentioning both their names. I don’t have any textual reasoning for the Nie bros’ lack of birth names ahahaha.

I will, however, use this as a springboard to mention a few things I find generally interesting about the way naming conventions appear to vary between sects/interesting points about address in general. There’s like no deep meta here, just like. “I noticed this thing, and I think it’s interesting”. (hope that’s okay /o\)

One: The Jin sect is the only sect that uses generational character markers (Guang, Zi, Ru). Establishing that convention makes Jin Guangyao’s courtesy name a massive slap in the face I think. (a, for giving him the wrong generational marker, which implies that he’s never actually going to be recognized as a son/that jgs really just didn’t care to even get it right, and b, for reusing his birth character instead of bothering to give him something new–every other character who has a birth and courtesy name gets two entirely unique names, but not jgy.) It’s a cool way of implying certain things about his status, how his father regards him without stating it outright, how others might see him because of that etc.

Two: The Wen sect appears to almost exclusively use birth name–in fact, the only two characters from the Wen sect revealed to have courtesy names are Wen Ning (Wen Qionglin) and…. Wen Ruohan. Well, and Wen Zhuliu, but he was originally Zhao Zhuliu, so idk if that really counts, since his courtesy name predates his induction into the Wen sect. Wen Qing, Wen Chao, and Wen Xu are referred to by birth name only by both themselves and everyone around them for the entirety of the story, which seems rather strange, given that all of them are high-ranking members of the family (Wen Xu is the heir??). Sizhui is not given a courtesy name by his birth family, but by Lan Wangji.

(an aside, it’s been mentioned before by others, but historically, courtesy names were bestowed upon adulthood; however, in CQL, we see Wei Wuxian picking out Jin Ling’s courtesy name before he’s born. it’s possible this is a practice that differs from sect to sect, but again, very little to no textual support for that speculation ahahaha)

Wen Ning’s courtesy name is used only once by Wei Wuxian in a moment of extreme distress at the Guanyin temple. It reads, to me, like switching registers to indicate the high emotional levels of the situation rather than anything about respect/social relations, in the same way that like, lwj switching between “wei ying/wei wuxian” can indicate moments where emotions are running high. I hc that the intimacy/distance of birth/courtesy names are switched in the case of Wen Ning/Wen Qionglin (ie, only people who are intimate with him would be expected use Qionglin) but that has absolutely zero basis in any fact, cultural convention, or textual evidence. I just like it because it warms my heart. feel free to roast me for it, i can accept that criticism.

Three: Both the Lan sect and the Nie sect address by courtesy name, even within their own family. (Lan Qiren calls his nephews “Wangji” and “Xichen”. Sizhui and Jingyi call each other by courtesy name. Nie Mingjue calls his brother “Huaisang”.) Why? we don’t know! We could maybe try and meta about it in the case of the Lan sect, I think (they’re more formal in general etc.), but we have so little knowledge of the Nie sect that I think it’s functionally pointless to try and dig there. I feel like trying to come up with any plausibly supported reason is going to be a stretch.

Four: A’Cheng vs A’Xian. Jiang Yanli uses Jiang Cheng’s birth name to form his diminutive, but uses Wei Wuxian’s courtesy name to form his. I’ve seen people ask why she doesn’t call him A’Ying, which would be more consistent, but I hc that this is because “Wuxian” was given by her father, so her using “A’Xian” is meant to strengthen that familial tie. “Ying” is from before he was part of their family. “Wuxian” is something given to him by the Jiang family, so using it, I think, is a subtle way of emphasizing how much she really considers him to be her brother. (If you’re curious, in the flashback when he first arrives at Lotus Pier, the audio drama has her calling for him as “A’Ying”.)

Five: Yu-fu’ren. I mentioned this on an addition to another post a while ago, but I’ll copy the relevant passage from chapter 51 here again:

虞夫人就是江澄的母亲，虞紫鸢。当然，也是江枫眠的夫人，当初还曾是他的同修。照理说，应该叫她江夫人，可不知道为什么，所有人一直都是叫她虞夫人。有人猜是不是虞夫人性格强势，不喜冠夫姓。对此，夫妇二人也并无异议。

Yu-fu’ren was Jiang Cheng’s mother, Yu Ziyuan. Of course, she was also Jiang Fengmian’s wife [fu’ren], and once cultivated with him as well. By all reason, she should be called Jiang-fu’ren, but for some unknown reason, everyone had always called her Yu-fu’ren. Some guessed that perhaps because Yu-fu’ren had a forceful temperament, she disliked taking her husband’s name. Neither husband nor wife raised any objections to this.

I think this is actually a pretty interesting microcosm of the themes of mdzs. We don’t actually know why Yu Ziyuan is called Yu-fu’ren; we’re given the equivalent of a rundown on local gossip and that’s it. I feel like it embodies a little bit of the “what people say about you becomes the truth and then influences your fate” theme that runs through mdzs. Did Yu Ziyuan WANT to be called Yu-fu’ren? Did she request it? Is her husband actually fine with it? The audience doesn’t get any of their internal landscape and is instead given a leading interpretation of the situation. How is our opinion of her then influenced?

To be clear, I don’t necessarily think that was necessarily the intention of this passage (maybe it was! or maybe mxtx just wanted to call her yu-fu’ren and realized she had to come up with some justification for it. i really couldn’t tell you); I just think that regardless of intention, its existence in relation to the larger themes of the novel can present a cool juxtaposition, if you dig a little bit.

Six: Song Lan, a respected cultivator, is more often referred to by his birth name, including people who are not intimate with him (normally, this would be rude), while Xiao Xingchen (who is intimate with him) calls him by courtesy name. Why?? We also don’t know. Does this lend support to my earlier headcanon about Wen Ning/Qionglin having a reversed intimacy/distance implication?? not… not really, but I like to think it at least kind of shows a precedent….. orz.

Seven: I find Xue Yang’s courtesy name, Xue Chengmei (成美), really fun ahaha. It comes from the phrase, 君子成人之美, an idiom that essentially means, “a gentleman always helps others attain their wishes”. Jin Guangyao gave it to him (not sure if this is canonical or extracanonical–i heard about it in an audio drama extra, much like how i get all my information orz) which I think is greatly amusing for obvious reasons.

Eight: Lan Wangji actually changes Sizhui’s birth name, even though you wouldn’t be able to tell just from hearing it. His original birth name is 苑, an imperial garden, but Lan Wangji changes it to 愿, as in wish (愿望) and to be willing (愿意), among other very beautiful sentiments. partially im sure to protect his identity, but also because. you know.

Basically all this is just to say, I think the naming/address conventions in mdzs are pretty weakly conceived, but you can find interesting things in them if you go looking! and we all know i love to go looking /o\

[winterromanov]

know it’s for the better - bucky x reader

pairing: college!bucky x reader

part of the will we talk? universe

prompt:  what about college!bucky during quarantine? their school gets shut down... do they stay together? how does it go?

a/n: a repost bc the ‘read more’ fucked up on the ask and idk??? what happened??? but here u go. about 2k words

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know it’s for the better

The semester is not supposed to end like this. No, there are supposed to be parties and laughter and getting wine drunk on the roof, bare legs dangling into New York City. There are supposed to be finals, and library study sessions, and football games in hot, summer rain. There are supposed to be more nights tucked in the twin bed in your dorm room with Bucky’s arm looped round your waist, fingers splayed across your bare skin.

Instead it’s the beginning of March and everything is over. You could feel it coming like storm clouds, black and ominous, hovering on the horizon. The virus has been hovering on your periphery for an embarrassingly long time. As your twitter timeline became more and more scary and the news could talk of little else, it has become frighteningly and anxiously real. Life—everywhere, but particularly in New York—is never going to be the same.

You have no choice but to pack up your little dorm room and return home. Your mom had frantically booked you a flight out, worrying that in less than a week they could be suspended altogether. The virus has been spreading furiously in the city. A place you now call home could be one of the most dangerous places in the world.

And yet…the thought of leaving behind everything so abruptly is killing you. It’s not even school, despite loving it so much. It’s not the college lifestyle or your friends or just having the freedom to waltz wherever you want without fear.

It’s Bucky.

You leave New York, you have to leave him. And God knows how long that might be for.

“Y/N.” His voice is soft, barely a whisper. Bucky has been quietly watching you fill suitcases with clothes, cardboard boxes with belongings. Every so often it looks like he is going to help, but he thinks twice about it, like he can’t bear this is happening. “Y/N…could we, like, stop for a second?”

“My flight leaves first thing in the morning,” you say, refusing to turn and look at him. Your eyes well up as your tear Polaroids and ticket stubs and a sketch Steve did for you from your corkboard, unable to look at those either. They’re just reminders of everything you’re leaving and will never be the same again. “I don’t have time. I just need to get this done, okay?”

“I can’t just keep watching you do this and not talk about what’s going to happen next!”

“Well, maybe you could fucking help, then.”

You never swear, not really, and you can feel Bucky’s expression burning into the back of your skull. Hurt, surprise, desperation. “Let me help. Let me understand what is going through your head.”

“I—I didn’t mean that kind of help, I just need to pack these damn bags…”

Bucky’s hands touch your shoulders. It should feel familiar, his limbs and yours colliding. But he feels like fire. It feels like you’re going to have his handprints burnt into your skin, red and raw, a tattoo of the one real relationship you’ve ever had.

Because he knows just as well as you do that…it’s not going to work, is it? School is over. There is a fucking pandemic going on outside, and you live all the way on the other side of the country whilst he is and always will be a Brooklyn boy. You were supposed to have a whole semester and the summer to sort out what came next, to establish the foundations of your future together, if there was definitely going to be one. And that’s been ripped underneath you like a traumatic tablecloth.

You love him. You love him so fucking much. But is it fair to try and keep going when everything is like this?

“You know my mom and dad would love you to move in,” he says, “You can quarantine with us, see how things go. I just—I just don’t want you to leave. Please don’t leave.”

“Bucky. Please. That’s not fair.” You say, eyes fluttering closed. “We haven’t lived together before and…how do you know we’d work like that? This is serious, and terrifying, and I need to be somewhere I feel safe.”

“You don’t feel safe with me?”

At that you turn to face him, seeing the desperate pain in his eyes. You run your hands across his jawline, cupping at his neck. One tear runs across and down your wrist and he looks away, embarrassed. “Sweetheart. You know that’s not what I meant.”

“God. Yeah. I know, darl’. I know.” He kisses your hand softly. “With everything going on, (Y/N), my future feels a lot more certain knowing you’ll still be in it.”

You fall into his chest, inhaling him in. That woody, fresh scent of his cologne, coffee and mint and dark chocolate. You want to wrap yourself up in him and drown. Escape to a place where time is irrelevant, and nothing ever ends.

“I need to be with my family, Bucky. My mom is worried about me. I can’t put her through me staying here, even if I wanted to. And your mom would be the same.”

“I get that. I do. But you’re—you’re making it sound like that we have to break up.” You lean out of his embrace, his tear-filled eyes scrutinising you. “Are…we breaking up?”

Your mouth opens, swinging like a door on a loose hinge as you try and say something. Eloquence usually comes to you easy, when talking about the books you read for class. It’s one of the things Bucky first noticed about you, your fervent love for language. But there are no words for this. Just empty, agonising silence.

“Why do we have to break up?” He asks, voice cracked in two like a broken porcelain vase. “Why is that what you immediately resort to? There are thousands of ways we could make this work. Starting with the fact that I love you. Is that not enough to even try?”

You pause. Your room, once your safe haven, now feels torturous and unbearable. Suffocating. You bite your lip, tears burning behind your eyelids. “I would love to say yes, Bucky, but I don’t know. I just—I don’t want to be a few weeks down the line, you here and me in Colorado, finding out that it hasn’t worked and it isn’t enough and we have to break up over fucking Skype or…I don’t know, slowly ghost each other into nothingness? I would a million times over rather end it here where I love you than then where I don’t.”

“That is the worst logic I’ve ever heard. Literally the worst. You are assuming the absolute worst of both of us, and…” he runs a frantic hand through his hair. “You know what, if that’s what you think, maybe you’re right. If you have that little faith in me—us—now, maybe we should call it quits.”

“Bucky—”

“I’m going to leave. Have a good trip home.” He looks around your room for one last second but does not meet your gaze. “Have a really fucking good trip home.”

Bucky hovers for a moment by the door, like he’s waiting for one last glimmer of hope. That you might ask him to stay because even…even after all that, he still would drop everything for you to say stay.

But you don’t. The door reverberates loudly in the frame on his way out.

-

You don’t break down, which surprises you. For a little while after he leaves, when you try to immerse yourself in packing and singing along to Taylor Swift from your speaker, you think that it’s for the best. It is, it is, because it can’t work and it won’t work and this will save pain further down the line.

But the hours pass and silence creeps in to your now empty, echoing dorm room, absent of the vibrant life that once occupied it and—your heart feels wrong. This is not freeing, or a relief. This is not the ending you wanted.

You go to get a shower and Bucky’s sports towel is hung over one of the empty cubicles. You turn the tap as hot as it can get it, drowning the whole room in steam and something switches within you. The tears start and they refuse to stop, wracking your body like convulsions.

You fucked it. You well and truly fucked one of the only things that could have got you through all of this, even if you’re over a thousand miles away. It’s like Bucky said. The future is uncertain and scary and untenable, but it feels a hell of a lot more definite with him in it.

You wrap yourself in your towel and walk back into the corridor. Wiping your eyes, there’s a shape in a red jersey hovering next to your door.

“Bucky?”

He turns, his jaw tight and eyes rimmed with red. “Y/N.”

He doesn’t have to say anything else. You run over to him, grabbing fistfuls of him desperately, like he’s going to flare and fade from you forever. His arms wrap around you with equal vigour, warm and panicky and home.

“I didn’t mean it.” You say, your words swallowed up by his ribcage. “Dear God, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it.”

You can feel him sob, body trembling in your arms. “Thank God.”

“I don’t know what will happen next. I haven’t got a fucking clue. But I know I want you there, okay? However it turns out.” You bring his lips down for a kiss tinged with hot water and steam, relief and pure, young, beautiful love. Your foreheads gently rest together. Another quick kiss. “I love you. I love you.”

He kisses you again, like he’s trying to fit in as many as he can. Like he’s packing them all into a suitcase for you to relive, one by one by one, when you’re at home and everything feels like its crumbling.

It will never crumble completely. You know this, because James Buchanan Barnes is your foundations, and he made it pretty fucking clear on day one when he grinned at you in sophomore year Russian lit. You both love novels because you love stories. You love beginnings and ends and everything in between, the climaxes and the romances, murders and death and life—you love breaking apart character, brutally analysing fictional lives and motives. But most of all, you love the feeling of watching characters you adore falling completely and utterly in love. You have spent years trying to define your favourite love story amongst the hundreds you’ve read, but you never thought—

All that time, all you had to do was wait.

send me a request

[magicrowiswritingstuff]

"Screw ups" - Damian Wayne x female!reader

Summary: The reader hates everything associated with love. No romance novels or movies would every cross and survive her path. She hates seeing couples kissing in public, hates seeing how her friends find their loving partners and only talk about that from then on but nevertheless she still tries to support them. But then she falls, she falls hard. And from all the people in the world it had to be Damian Wayne, her best friend. Someone she had sympathized with because he felt the same way about all this stuff. But now she wasn't sure anymore if she really hated all this stuff.

Warnings: swearing (reader swears A LOT in this)

Category: fluffy angst (?)

Words: about 11.000

Note: Reader and Damian are in their late teens/early adult years. They go to school/university together or something idk Note 2: I really tried to make Damian´s character authentic (even though it´s an AU … sort of) but I still think it´s kinda iffy ... but I guess it´s better now then before I rewrote some of it thanks to @quillsareswords​ advice of using thesaurus.com and rewatching the movies he was in. Nervertheless I hope whoever is reading this enjoys it since it was a lot of fun to write.

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"Screw ups” - Damian Wayne x fem!reader

"No way" you huffed and crossed your arms before your chest. One eyebrow was raise as you looked at your friends, one of them holding a DVD case out to you. Big white letters spelled out the title: Titanic. "You all know I hate these kinds of movies. I thought we had agreed to watch anything else during our movie nights?" You and your closest friend group decided a long time ago to meet at least once every two weeks to watch one movie together. Where you would meet cycled through the group at first but now you would just meet by the person who picked the movie that time. And one condition you established was: Every movie was allowed as long as it wasn't primarily a romance movie. You had to settle on 'primarily' because otherwise all your friends wouldn't have agreed. But Titanic definitely didn't fall into that. Under no circumstances would you ever watch it. Your friends looked at themselves and snickered before turning back to you. "You really thought we didn't notice?" Confused you narrowed your eyes. Something was up. "Notice what?" "Oh my god, you really think we are blind, don't you?" one of them said with a shocked face. You couldn't tell if it was staged or not. But what you knew was that you probably wouldn't like the path this conversation was heading. "What the hell are you talking about?" You slowly grew annoyed, especially when your friends began to giggle again. "We saw you listening to 'All of Me' from John Legend." In an instant your eyes widen and you could feel your cheeks getting hot. Fuck. "No, you didn't! You couldn't... because I don't listen to that crap" you stumbled over your own words as you tried to deny it. But you had already lost the debate because it was true and they knew it already. "Don't try to deny it, (Y/N)" one said. "Yeah, we all saw the way you look at him." It felt like your heart stopped beating for a second. Your hands and feet suddenly felt so cold while you could feel the heat rising inside your chest towards your cheeks again. Fucking dammit, why were you blushing so goddamn much? "Who?" was the only thing you could say even though you already knew the answer. And they knew it too. "Who? You really think we are blind and dumb!" one of your friends said with pouty lips. "Who, you ask? Gotham's one and only billionaire's son Dam-" before they could finish their sentence you put your hands over their mouth, shushing them. "Don't you dare say it out loud! I'm not looking at anyone!" "Ow, it's so cute how you still try to deny it." You growled, the awkward heat from before was replaced with hot rage. "I'm not fucking cute! And everything you say and think is not true!" Good, why were you still trying to deny it? It had no use anyway. They would never let it go. They would never let you go. "It's so heartwarming!" "You definitely have to join us on a double date!" "I can't believe I'm living to this day! Witnessing (Y/N) having a crush." "But why did it have to be Damian? He's so cold." "No, they match perfectly! Two stones that will warm each other’s heart." "Stop it!" you yelled. "It's not cute or heartwarming it's fucking humiliating. I don't like it one bit and would gladly change my feelings back." It was silent for a few seconds before all your friends faces stretched into huge smiles. "She admitted it! She said she has feelings!" You only groaned and let yourself fall onto the coach before the TV, no longer listening to all their chit-chat. You knew you shouldn't have listened to that sappy song in public. Even with your headphones on it was stupid of you. Now they would never let it go. Oh god, they will make you watch all their favorite romance movies! And talk about their relationships endlessly. About dates they went on or poems they found and liked. Yikes. No, only because your body made you feel this way whenever you saw him didn't mean you suddenly liked all this shit. It was still fucking annoying and dumb. It was still something you didn't want for yourself. Of course you loved your friends but that was something completely different. For them you would do almost everything. You listened to them when they told you about their partners or dates and you always tried to be supportive. And you did the same for Damian. He was your best friend even though your body, your feelings demanded more. But you still didn't like it. You hated it. You would never watch a romantic movie or read a romance novel. You would never get roses and put them into a vase to see them slowly die over a few days. You would never run through the world tinted in pink. But you couldn't help it sometimes. You had found that song on accident. And you wanted to click it away but then you heard the first few words and it lulled you in. It made you feel like a prisoner. But it felt so good too. God, you were disgusting. "Guys, guys! We have a problem." Your eyes darted back to your friends who still stood in a circle and talked excited about you. "What?" You bend forward a little and worried what they were plotting again. "(Y/N) will never ever act on her feelings! She will never confess!" Oh no. You stood up before anyone else could speak up. All the attention was back on you. "No way, don't you dare tell him anything about this." "Oh, you admitted it to be him!" They started giggling … again. You huffed. "Okay, yeah I have a crush on Damian. So what? It's not like he will return it. So you better not tell him anything or I will make you pay. I don't want to lose the only friend that shares the same view about all this crap. All this feelings bullshit is only complicating everything and I'm just waiting for it to pass." All your friends that looked so excited only a few seconds ago now looked sad. They pitied you. One stretched their arm put towards you but you backed away. "God, I can't deal with this shit today. Go watch your movie without me. I'm leaving." You stormed to the door, grabbed your jacket while running and threw it on you before shutting the door behind you. Today was definitely not your day and you couldn't wait for it to end.

_________________________________ Oh, but the next day wasn't better in the slightest. All of your friends spammed your group chat with all kind of 'lovely' pictures they had found on the internet together with 'subtle' messages about love and feelings. You knew what they were trying to do. They wanted you to confess. But that would never happen. You would never let that happen. You silenced the chat and distracted you with anything else. There were a few clothing pieces that maybe needed to be cleaned? You did the laundry. You found dust on your dresser? You cleaned the whole apartment. Your favorite show was on TV? You dropped everything else and escaped into it. Well, your distraction held as long as your phone was silent because after maybe four or five episodes it dinged. You grabbed it, a little confused since you had silenced the group chat for 8 hours, but the message that now held your focus wasn't from your friends´ chat it was from your chat with Damian. Without knowing what it was about your heart began to beat faster and you could feel a small smile form on your lips. Shaking your head you tried to suppress it. 'Stop it, no. Don't be stupid.' But your body didn't obey you. You opened his chat:

"Are you ready?" A confused frown adorned your face. "Ready for what?" you texted back. It only took a few seconds for him to respond. "The art museum." Oh shit. Your eyes grew wide. In your struggle to forget all that feelings bullshit and Damian you actually forget the agreed meeting with Damian today. You looked at the clock: it's almost quarter past two and you were supposed to meet at two o'clock sharp. "Fuck." "I knew you would forget it." That somehow hurt even though you knew Damian was always rather blunt so he often said something hurtful he didn´t intend to be. Though, you also knew yourself to be pretty forgetful. But it wasn't often that you completely forgot a planned meeting. Most of the time you just forgot how long you had to walk or drive to arrive to the agreed place so you would almost always arrive there late.  But you would arrive. "I'm sorry. Tell me where you are and I'll be there in a minute!" He didn't respond but you still saw that he was online. Impatiently you waited for any kind of reaction that didn't come. Then suddenly the doorbell rang. Surprised you jumped a little and then slowly made your way towards the door. Opening it you had to look up to greet the person standing behind it. "Hello, (Y/N)" Damian said with a smirk. "Hey" you were only able to say and stepped aside to let him in. Closing the door afterwards you stood still for a second, pressed your eyes close and tried to calm your breathing before turning around to face him. "I'm so sorry, I was doing so much stuff today I completely lost track of the time." He waved you off. "It´s alright. I intended to pick you up anyway since Alfred isn´t driving us today. Your absentmindedness fitted very well into it." You huffed, crossed your arms before your chest and raised one eyebrow. "I'm not that forgetful" you stated annoyed and a little hurt. But you tried to remind yourself that he didn´t mean it that way. ´Pull yourself together and start thinking again!´ "Not normally at least" you added, dropped your arms to your sides and walked past him to your room. "Let me change and we can be on our way." You looked at yourself through the mirror on your bedroom wall: baggy shirt and sweatpants. Nothing unusual, nothing Damian hadn't seen you in before but you felt a little embarrassed anyway. 'Stupid, mushy feelings.' Opening your dresser you grabbed anything else to wear. "How was movie night yesterday?" Damian's voice rang through the living room to your ears. "I left early" you stated in a matter-of-fact manner and tossed the baggy shirt on your bed. "Why is that?" You groaned before putting on the new top. Stripping yourself of your sweatpants you also tossed them away before opening your wardrobe and grabbing clean looking jeans. You also put them on and then left your room after one final check in the mirror. Damian had took a seat on your couch and turned around to look at you. "They tried to make me watch titanic" you finally answered him. You made a gaging sound which made Damian snicker. Rolling your eyes you grabbed your phone and keys. "Now come on let's go, I kept you waiting long enough." _________________________________ The museum was more entertaining than you thought when you agreed to go. Well, you couldn't really decline since you had chosen last time and Damian definitely didn't like what you made him do. You had dragged him to Gotham's fair. And even though you sometimes forgot he was the son of Bruce Wayne the general public definitely didn't. Most of the time he just tried to escape the paparazzi while he left you to yourself. He said he didn't want you to be involved with all this stuff and you gladly agreed. You didn't have to end up on the front page of every tabloid of Gotham. "Who is Damian Wayne's new girlfriend?" "Gold digger alert! Someone is throwing themselves at the billionaire's youngest son." God, you wouldn't be able to take a breath without them writing about it. At first you just grew more annoyed by them by the second but at the end of the day you were mostly sad that you couldn't really enjoy the time together. That's why he wore slightly more casual clothes than he would usual wear right now. He didn't want the day to end like the last time the two of you tried to have fun. And lucky for both of you nobody seemed to notice or care, at least for now. But what was undoubtedly boring was looking at all of the drawings. Damian wouldn't leave out even one! And when you questioned him about it and if it was fun to him he only responded with one of his typical sayings: "I wasn't raised to have fun." In the past you were a little surprised and worried whenever he would say something like that especially because he never would provide any specific reasoning or any kind of explanation even if you asked him directly. But now you only raised one eyebrow at him before deciding to change his grouchy mindset. So that´s why you decided to make it a little more entertaining for yourself and him. While Damian still mostly tried to figure out the deeper meaning of the pictures you just blurted out the first thing you thought about when looking at them with the goal of making him laugh and have fun even if it´s only for a little while. Currently the two of you were looking at Jean-Honoré Fragonard's 'The Swing' and once again you just couldn't stop yourself. "It should have been called 'The S-Wingman'." Damian turned around to look at you rather irritated. "Don't look at me like that. Look!" you pointed to a man on the right side of the picture almost engulfed into the shadows. He was holding some strings that were attached to the swing the lady was sitting on. "They definitely planed it so the other one could look up her skirt." Even though he really didn't want to Damian couldn't suppress his laughter completely. Low grunts left his lips before he groaned in annoyance. "You are insufferable. Why am I tormenting myself with you?" You punched him in the rips playfully and staged a wounded look. "How dare you insult me, you arrogant prick" you said with a vain sounding voice. "You just don't get the higher understanding of art, fucking loser" you joked. Damian huffed under his breath: "Watch your tone." You knew he didn't like it whenever he heard you cussing but well, he just had to get over it. Besides, you already were swearing a lot less when you were around him then when you were with anyone else. "Deal with it, Wayne."

You two kept joking around when you suddenly saw something reflecting in the corner of your eye. You turned towards it only slightly before realizing what or better who it was. A man with a far too obvious disguise and a big camera -far too professional to be a tourist's camera- was looking at the two of you. With worry in your eyes you tugged at Damian's sleeve to get his attention and then mouthed 'paparazzo' as soon as he looked at you. He noticed them only a second later. Grabbing your arm he walked into the crowd, trying to lose the man following you. Damian fell into a sprint as soon as you both left the room the paparazzo was still in. He directed you to an almost empty room in which a new, only temporary artwork was standing in: a weird constellation of mirrors. It looked like a mirror cabinet. But what you also noticed was that this room didn't have another exit. Before you could ask Damian what his plan was he dragged you along with him again. It was this moment you realized that it didn't just look like a mirror cabinet, it was a mirror cabinet. And you would be hiding in it. Well, at least that seemed to have been Damian's plan. The only problem: it wasn't constructed to be a functioning mirror cabinet. There was only one way leading right through it with only one small corner in which you would be out of view. This meant that the two of you were now tightly pressed against each other, trying to fit into the small space. With Damian's rather big frame? Almost impossible. You never were so glad you were smaller than someone else because if you would have met his height you would have had to press your face against his. And with your current feelings bullshit? God that would have been a living hell. But maybe that would have been better than being almost squeezed to death by his chest. You were never so close to him before. You could feel every muscle under his shirt move, his heart beating and his breath on your head. You tried to breathe in deep to calm yourself down but that only made it more awkward since you now knew exactly what he smelled like. 'God, please somebody end me right here and now!' An annoyed almost helpless sounding grunt left your lips which only made Damian press further into the corner. "Be quiet! If he finds us now the headlines will never end" he hissed. You tried to look up at him, squeezed your head past his chest and caught his eyes. "It was your fucking idea to hide here in this awkward position!" you whisper-yelled and glared at him. God, you could feel the heat rising up in you again. 'Not cool, body' you thought. You were definitely blushing right now. Then your eyes widen in realization. "When do we know that he left?" Well, you didn't. You stayed in that position for too many minutes. After you almost had a heart attack Damian finally moved and let you breathe out deeply in relief. "Anyone out there?" you asked but didn't move. Somehow you couldn't, you were frozen in fear of stumbling. Damian shook his head and turned towards you again. He laughed a little. "God, if someone would have found us..." "We would have seemed like the most disgusting couple ever!" you finished his sentence out of reflex and laughed as well. You were such a mess right now. Your emotions were on a roller-coaster and your knees weak. 'Pathetic.' "TT, ironic." You giggled. Yes, giggled. You never giggled. You laughed, you grunted, you grinned, you smirked but never ever in your life before had you ever been giggling. You had to leave this place right now. "Let's get out of here" you said. Still snickering -you somehow didn't seem to be able to stop- you grabbed his wrist and dragged him along. Maybe some fresh air would calm you down. _________________________________ After leaving the museum -you promised Damian to go there with him some other time since he couldn't finish his walk through- you found your way to the nearest park. Unfortunately so did many couples too. Since it was the one nice day in Gotham many decided to go picnicking. Your thoughts were literally split in half. On the one hand you bickered with Damian about how insufferable they all were and how you hated all this sappy nonsense -and you really did hate it- but on the other hand you wished it to be the two of you sitting on a blanket, looking deeply into each other's eyes, kissing. Shaking your head you forced yourself to stop. You whished all this feelings would just stop. It would only end up ruining everything. You didn't want to lose your best friend just because of some chemicals in your body that made you feel and act like a complete idiot. You needed something to distract yourself. Don't think about the people around you. Don't think about what they do and how much you would like to do that too currently. Don't think about Damian in this way! Stop! "Are you alright, (Y/N)?" You flinched, caught off guard and looked up. You had stopped moving so Damian was a few feet in front of you. He examined you with one eyebrow raised and waited for a response. The green of his eyes looked so vivid in this moment it completely sucked you in. You were definitely starring. "Ye-yeah, everything's fine." You cursed yourself silently for stuttering. 'Get your shit together!' "Just lost in thought." Your eyes wandered behind Damian and you stopped talking. Today was not your day. Before you could speak up, grab Damian and leave or do literally anything it was already too late. "(Y/N)!" one of your friends yelled. They were running towards you now, with huge smiles on their faced that read ´Got'cha´. Damian looked confused but also vaguely pissed off before he turned around. You walked up to him, standing next to him now before your friends could reached the two of you. Damian greeted them briefly but you just glared at them with a death stare. 'Don't you dare!' 'Oh, we dare.' "Hey Damian!" your friends greeted back. "What a coincidence meeting you here!" "Why are you all here?" you asked sternly. Some began to snicker. Oh, something was up. They had something planned. "After our movie night yesterday we decided to make it a surprise sleepover. And because of the nice weather we then decided to go walk around town together" one explained. "We would have asked you to join but we knew you were busy." You nodded. For only a split second all your friends looked at themselves before shifting their attention back to you and Damian. They had agreed on something silently you just knew it. "That reminds me" one started and stared at Damian while continuing to talk. "How was your da-" "Great" you interrupted immediately before they could finish their sentence. Oh. My. God. They really dared to do it. They wanted to make you confess or they would do it for you. You could feel your cheeks heat up again. Fuck. You hoped Damian didn´t notice anything but knowing him now for quite some time he probably already suspected something was up. One quick glance from the corner of your eye confirmed it. His eyebrows were knitted while his eyes darted between your friends. He was already trying to put the pieces together. "Great" you repeated. "Except for one paparazzo following us." "Oh, how unfortunate." You could have smelled the sarcasm from across the street. You knew what they meant. You had told them about the last meeting with Damian. And they knew what a picture would have caused and thought that that maybe would make you confess. Oh, but you won't break. You just couldn't. "Hey, how about you two join us?" one suggested. "Yeah! We are on the search for some ice-cream right now. Come with us." You wanted to decline immediately but that would have made Damian even more suspicious. So you pressed your lips together and looked up at him. You asked him silently with one raised eyebrow if he would like to join your friends. He knew how they were. He knew their tendency to talk about all the stuff you two disliked. So you hoped he would decline for you but he didn't. He shrugged his shoulders and said: "Whatever." Which basically meant he just gave his approval. 'Goddammit, Damian you will be the death of me!' You sighted and nodded. "Okay."

You never felt so exhausted while being with your friends. You were always on the watch, listening to what they said ready to intervene if necessary. But they only teased you, you knew it. They used weird words that had never left their mouths before -code words- which only made you even more paranoid. You were considering killing them. Well, not really. But you wanted to get back at them so bad for making this so hard for you. You had thought they noticed how much you hated your current situation but it seemed like they didn't care. You felt yourself drifting away in your thoughts so you shook your head. 'Come on, focus!' You couldn’t let them tell him. Then suddenly one of your friends squealed in excitement which made you jump in surprise. "Look! So sweet." You followed their sight to see a man proposing to his girlfriend. Of course, all your friends would like that. They began to swoon over it and talking about how they wished this for themselves too. "Uh, yikes" you said under your breath and crossed your arms. Someone pricked you in the side which made you turn around. But only Damian was standing to your right and his arms were tightly pressed against his sides. He felt your gaze and turned towards you. Immediately you could feel your cheeks getting hot. You looked away, now staring at the ground. Digging your nails into the flesh of your arms you focused only on your breathing. Or at least you tried to. Your thoughts were torturing you. You could only think about Damian. About his eyes, how they shined in the summer sun like all the hues of nature. Like the kind of sparking green of the grass that fought its way to the surface after a cruel, unforgiving winter. About his inky hair which reminded you of the pelt of a black wolf. Groomed but somehow still a little intentional messy in the most mystical, dangerous way. About his smell that hadn't left your nose since the museum. Fresh and woody like nature but with hints of his oil paints you knew he always used. But there had been something else, something more, something tougher. Wouldn't you know it better you would almost say he smelled a little bit like steel too. You thought about how his body felt pressed against your own, his heat slowly passing over to you, the beating of his heart. "Earth to (Y/N). Hello?" You blinked rapidly and looked up. You were surrounded by your friends who looked at you with staged concern. They tried to suppress their wicked grins. How did they know what you were thinking about? What the hell was going on? "Your face is so red, are you alright?" "Do you need something to drink? Sit down?" "We don't want you to have a heatstroke." You shushed them by shaking your head, your arms dropped to your sides. "No, don't worry. I'm not having a heatstroke" you said. But your friends wouldn't let you be. Of course not. They had a mission to fulfill. "Well, what else could it be?" One touched your forehead and cheeks. "You feel really hot." "If it's not a heatstroke what else?" "Are you upset?" "Were you thinking about something?" "Or someone?" You froze like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. Now your friends didn't even try to suppress their grins. They had you cornered. "What are you talking about?" you said in a dismissive manner. Your hands began to get sweaty and your heart beat faster than ever before. You felt dizzy and angry and anxious. Damian's presence didn't make it easier for you since you could feel him beside you, his gaze burning on your skin. How could you escape this situation? God, what to say? What to do? "Well, if it's not a heatstroke maybe you are just blushing." Your eyes grew wide. Oh fuck. "N-no" you wanted to add more, say more but your throat felt so tight, you couldn't speak up. Out of instinct you tried to back away only to pump into someone. You didn't even have to turn around to know that it was Damian, the grins of your friends already told you so. You flinched away from him, afraid of his touch. No, you couldn't let it happen. You held your hands up defensively trying to get some distance between you and him. "Are you feeling alright?" Wouldn't you know it any better you would have thought that Damian was hurt about your reaction. But your mind probably just played you tricks. "Oh, (Y/N)'s peachy" one of your friends said and hung an arm over your shoulder. "Hasn't she told you?" another added. Damian looked at you confused but you couldn't meet his gaze. You felt so helpless and idiotic. Why did you tell your friends? Why didn't you just deny it? Why were you stuttering? "No" Damian said a little wary. He also seemed pretty helpless but you were on a completely different level. You were absolutely with no doubt on the highest anxiousness and nervousness level with no clue what to do to prevent what was coming. "Well" another friend began and also put their arm around you. "Our little Miss 'Love is bullshit' has a-" "Stop!" you bellowed while breaking free from your friends grasps. Hot rage bubbled inside of you. "What the hell is wrong with you? You are supposed to be my friends! " Your breathing was livid. "I can't believe I'm dealing with you all!" You tugged at your hair, trying to not break out in tears right then and there. That would only be embarrassing. Not that all this wasn't deeply embarrassing anyway. "God, I-why... Aah!" you yelled not knowing what else to do, turned around, turned away from your friends and stormed of. Or at least you tried to. You only got away a few feet before someone stopped you. Damian had run after you and now stood in your way. Looking up at him you prayed you wouldn't start crying. "What's your problem?" he asked still pretty confused but now also annoyed. The day hadn't gone as he planned or imagined it to go. "Nothing" you tried to sound dismissing but your voice broke at the end. "I see something is bothering you so don´t try lying." "It's nothing!" you said anyway, clenched your teeth and walked around him. You had to get out of here. You had let it went too far even though you knew all this feelings stuff would destroy everything you had. You doubled your fists, biting your tongue. "Stop avoiding it, stop avoiding me and tell me!" Damian yelled behind you. You could hear his footsteps following you. "Let me be!" But he didn't. He leaped forward and grabbed your shoulders, turning you around in the progress. His gaze was intense, sucked you in again. No! You shook your head. You couldn't. "Cut it and talk to me" he began. "What's your problem?" "You." The word had left your mouth without thinking. "What-" he started but was interrupted by you. "You are my fucking problem!" you screamed and regretted it immediately. Your eyes went wide and you covered your mouth with your hands. You could hear your friends gasp. Their plan hadn't gone like they imagined either. God, you were an idiot. What the hell were you doing! Your changes were now definitely ruined, not that you had any to begin with. "What did I do that makes me so repulsive to you? Everything seemed fine before" Damian said and let you go. Now you were pretty sure he felt hurt even though he didn´t show it directly. The way his eyes hardened to shut you out told you everything. You stepped back a little, shocked about what and how you said it. "Dami- God, that's not-" you stuttered and stumbled over your own words again. Tugging at your hair you groaned helplessly. ´What the hell, it´s too late now anyway. Might just give him the truth now.´ "You make me act like such a loser and I hate it and I love it at the same time" You just said not really knowing you were the one speaking. And when you noticed what you said it was already too late because you no longer could stop the flow of words leaving your mouth. "I have a crush on you." Nobody said anything for a few seconds before you spoke up again. "And I hate it!" you didn't look up, too afraid of meeting his gaze. "I fucking hate the way you make me feel. I hate to feel the heat bubbling inside of me. I hate that it had to be you because I don't want to lose the thing we had before I fucked it up. I don't want to become one of those couples I despised whenever I see them making out in public. And at the same time I do! I want to touch you, be around you, look at you, kiss and kill you simultaneously for making my feel this way. I-" you couldn’t think about anything else you could or should add. You looked up, looked at his green eyes and just waited for any kind of reaction that didn't come. He seemed frozen, maybe even shocked. You had never seen Damian caught off guard, startled like a deer in headlights, unable to form any responds. Not even a disgusted "pathetic" left his lips, something you were sure he would say after your confession because you knew how he felt about all this. You knew him more than he maybe realized. And maybe that was what had brought your downfall. You let him get to close to you. You were at fault. You were the one ruining everything because of your stupid feelings. "I should go" you said, turned away from him and walked away. You ran so fast you didn't even hear your friends yell after you. You didn't even see them while turning away because hot tears clouded your vision. The only thought on your mind during your run home was that you fucked it up. You fucked up badly. _________________________________ "Just let this day end already" you begged while tossing and turning in bed. It was late, something after midnight but your mind wouldn't shut up, wouldn't let you drift off into a peaceful sleep. You were far to rattled. Why had you told him? Why hadn't you just sucked it up and continued to pretend everything was alright? ´Because you had wanted him to pull you towards him. You wanted him to hug you, hold you and do all those stupid things you never thought you would like.´ Groaning you threw away your blanket and stood up. Grabbing your hoodie that was laying on the floor you put it and your shoes on. You took your phone from the nightstand and walked to the window. The cold night air that hit you after opening it made you shiver slightly. You buried yourself deeper into the comforting warmth of the hoodie and climbed through the window and to the fire escape. A small sight escaped your lips as you closed your eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the fresh night air on your skin. It wasn't often that Gotham felt so peaceful. You turned your head and looked up. Only three stories higher and you would be in the roof, your safe zone. Climbing up the metal ladder was easy, cold but easy. Your hands shivered after you reached the roof but it was definitely worth it. You loved to look over the city from your point. The building you were living in was definitely not the highest, so you couldn't see everything from above but you liked it anyway. You could sit on the edge all night, watching the streetlights flicker and listening to your music. It made you forget where you were, where you lived and how bad it got sometimes. But now the city was uncharacteristically quiet. Only one police siren was audible from your location. It was so far away you couldn't even see the red and blue lights flicker through the streets. You sat down on the edge and unlocked your phone. Opening the music app you pressed the random button. You had gone up to the roof to forget this day, to try to get your mind at ease but of course one of those sappy songs you were listening to currently was the one that was selected. A song you would have hated a few weeks prior but now you only rolled your eyes, locked your phone and listened to it. The soft tones danced through the night air and slowly but surely made you relax. You still couldn't stop thinking about today but it didn't feel so suffocating anymore. Sighting you let yourself fall backwards, now lying flat on the roof so you could look up at the sky. The beauty of today's day was still holding on which meant that not that many clouds were covering the sky so you could look at the stars. Everything was peaceful up there and you probably would have fallen asleep if someone hadn't interrupted your peace of mind. "What are you doing?" You flinched and jumped up in surprise. Turning around you met the white lenses of non-other than Batman's sidekick: Robin. "God fucking dammit, you almost gave me a heart attack" you cussed and turned back towards the edge, looking at the city again. "Not very heroic of you." The vigilante only huffed. "I asked you something." "Why do you care? It doesn't concern you anyway but if I'm planning something evil I will let you know, don't worry" you spat, not in the mood to talk to anyone right now. Why was he here anyway? Didn't he have better things to do? "Shouldn't you run around town, I don't know, safe some people and stuff." You could hear faint steps coming closer to you. Peeking from the corners of your eyes you looked at him. He stood beside you, his arms crossed and jaw clenched. You had never been this close to any of Gotham's heroes before which was a good thing because normally that would mean you were in serious trouble and needed saving. But nothing was going on here so you didn't really know why he was with you right now. "Gotham is quiet today" was the only thing he responded to your question. You huffed, placed your arms on your knees and laid your head in your hands. Dangling your legs you let your eyes wander over Gotham but the vigilante beside you seemed to be on high alert since he looked around profusely. "Sit down and hold still you are making me twitchy" you said while darting your eyes back forward. It took a few seconds then he finally let himself relax a bit. He sat down with a few feet of distance and took his hood of. Immediately his dark hair got caught by the gentle wind and framed his sharp face. "You still haven't answered my question" he said after a while. "I have to disagree, I gave you an answer but it just wasn't the one you were looking for" you stated matter of factly. Robin groaned in response. You tried to concentrate on anything else, on your music that was still playing, on the cold air tingling the back of your neck, on the hard ground you were sitting on. Anything that would make you forget and relax again. "What are you listening to?" Robin asked and broke the comforting silence again. You darted him an irritated look. Why wouldn't he leave you alone? "I don't know, I pressed the random button." You answered in hope he would shut up then. But he didn't. "What's your name?" "Why should I tell you?" Robin turned towards you now as well. "Because I asked" he said likewise annoyed. "You wouldn't tell me yours if I asked so..." you responded half-heartedly and turned away. You could hear police sirens echoing through the streets again somewhere in the distance. "Why are you up here?" "Why do you care?" "Why are you so dismissive?" You looked at him. Your annoyance slowly turned into anger. "I don't know you and frankly I don't really want to talk to you or anyone right now. So maybe just do me a favor and fuck off." Robin didn't say anything but he also didn't move. An annoyed grunt left your lips. "Something is on your mind" he said without looking at you. "What's your fucking problem?" you hissed which made him knit his eyebrows, or at least you interpreted it in that way since his brows were covered by his mask. His jaw was clenched tightly again as if he had to suppress something he wanted to say. "What is my problem? You are the one being uncommunicative" he snarled back at you, his white lenses narrowed. You straightened your back and glared at him. "I didn't ask for your time. And maybe all those vigilante activities made you deaf or something but I don't want to talk to you" you said dwelling the last words very clearly annoyed. "I had a bad day- no I had a bad weekend and I just want to be alone right now." Robin's face softened a bit. He still seemed pretty annoyed but his jaw wasn't clenched anymore and his eyebrows relaxed slightly. "But maybe talking about it would help" he said quietly without pressuring you to answer him for once. You groaned and let yourself fall backwards again. One arm draped over your eyes. "I fucked up badly" you said no longer able to hold it in you. "I confessed something to my best friend and probably ruined our friendship." "Why do you think that?" You lifted your arm up to look at the vigilante again. "If I'm answering your questions you have to answer mine as well" you demanded. Robin hesitated. "Don't worry I won't ask you anything about your real self. Besides you don't have to tell me anyway if you don't want to answer a question." He still didn't say anything for a while before sighting: "Deal." You grinned in victory before letting your face fall blank again. "Why are you here? And don't come at me with 'Gotham is quiet'. You could relax at home or something but you are here. Why?" you asked but no answer was heard. Robin wasn't looking at you anymore, his eyes were wandering over the rooftops of Gotham's buildings. "I had a rough day, too. I think someone is angry with me" he responded finally. "Someone told me something important today and I think I didn't react properly and hurt their feelings in the process." You huffed. "You probably should have explained it better to them then." You could hear an almost inaudible, irritated sight coming from Robin. "They weren't listening." "Well, maybe they should have heard you out then." "They couldn't. They ran away before I was able to speak up." A weird feeling crept over you, something strangely familiar. You searched for his gaze but he was still looking straight forward. "Well, maybe they just couldn't stand what they imagined the answer would have been." The two of you were silent after that, nobody dared or wanted to speak anymore. After a while you grabbed your phone and looked at the time: almost two in the morning and you had to go to school tomorrow. Sighting you stood up. "I'm going to sleep, I have school tomorrow" you said and walked to the fire escape but turned towards the vigilante one last time. "Maybe you should too. Whoever you really are you probably still have a normal life." He nodded in response and also stood up. Walking to the other side of the building he grabbed his grappling hook. "Good night" he said before shooting it to a higher building. He was gone before you were able to respond. _________________________________ Waking up the next day -or rather four hours later- you felt awful. You just wanted to go back to sleep but you couldn't miss school today even though you really didn't want to walk into Damian today. Or every again for that matter. So that's why you avoided him all day. You walked to class not waiting for him -what you would have done normally- and ran out of the room before he could approach you. You felt so silly doing that but you just didn't have any other options. Your friends tried to talk to you but you avoided them too. Still too pissed at them for what they did. Or for what they made you do. Today was a living hell but after the last two days you could almost say you accustomed to it. You were only able to relax the moment you shut your apartment door closed behind you. Breathing in deeply you let yourself fall onto the bed and fell asleep immediately. You woke up hours later, the sun was already beginning to set when you realized you had still a lot of stuff to do. Groaning you stood up and dealt with everything. You even had enough energy to cook something. After you cleaned everything up you looked at the clock. It already was pretty late and completely dark outside but because of your nap you didn't feel tired. Sighting you decided to go up to the roof again. To your surprise somebody else already was on it when you arrived there. "What are you doing here again?" you asked while hoisting yourself up over the edge and sat down beside him. "Enjoying the view" Robin answered but you could swear you heard uncertainty in his voice. You arched one eyebrow at him. "For real?" you couldn’t help but ask in a sarcastic manner. "Pretty sure." "Why here? I've seen your grappling hook yesterday" you started and looked forward to the city. "You could swing up to Wayne Tower and not sit on this pathetic copy of a roof." A low sight left his lips. "What would be the difference?" "A magnificent view over all of Gotham?" you shot back. He only muttered something under his breath that sounded an awfully lot like ´Whatever´. You however would love to see this entire city from above. "I bet you would be so high up that you'd be able to breathe clean, fresh air" you sighted now fully engulfed within your imagination. "Seeing all of Gotham's lights flicker, being close to the stars. You probably would even be able to see the ocean." "Do you want to go there?" Your eyes snapped to Robin who was also looking at you. "What?" you asked and blinked confused. "Do you want to go to the roof of Wayne Tower?" he repeated. You still were a little shocked with his proposition. "Well, yeah. It would be cool but I don't think-" "I can bring you there" he uttered directly. Your eyes shone in excitement. You didn't even care that he had interrupted you. "Hell yeah!" He stood up with a smirk and held his hand out to you. You were only hesitant for a second before accepting it. "Hold on tight" he said and pulled you towards him. A little awkward you wrapped your arms around his neck. You were one hundred percent certain he would twine one arm around your waist but luckily for him he didn't dare to do it. But would you even be able to hold your weight all alone? Before you could speak up to tell him your concern he already shot the hook to the next building. You felt your body being pulled forward so you hold on as tight as possible. You just had to be able to do it on your own. "That was awesome!" you declared a little out of breath. It had been absolutely amazing swinging through Gotham but at the same time it had been a little terrifying too. Now the two of you were standing on the very top of Wayne Enterprises. Your legs were a little shaky but that didn't stop you from slowly creeping to the edge. Sitting down you let your eyes wander over the whole of Gotham, enjoyed the fresh air and wind blowing through your hair. "Damn" you were only able to say. Gotham was a shithole through and through but at night with the flickering street lights and so high up you couldn't hear the police sirens it felt really peaceful. You stared into the distance when your eyes widen. "You really can see the ocean from here" you whispered. You were so stunned you didn't even notice Robin taking place next to you with almost no distance between you two. Well, after your swinging adventure it really wasn't necessary anymore. But because he was so close now and before you were able to smell the leather of his uniform, the steel of his katana that was attached to his hip and a faint scent of wood and nature that hung on him like a shadow. The strange feeling from yesterday slowly fought its way to the surface again. "You didn't have to bring me here, I wasn't exactly nice to you yesterday but thank you" you finally broke the silence. He only grunted in response. You guessed that he wasn't angry at you and if he was he could have just dropped you earlier. "How are things?" you started again. "With them, I mean." Robin shrugged his shoulders. "I think they're still upset with me" he said still not looking at you. "They avoided me all day." "I'm sorry but maybe they just aren't ready to talk about it?" you suggested. "Why do you think that?" You scratched your neck uncomfortably. "Well, I kind of did the same thing" you muttered. "What happened between you and your best friend?" Robin asked and you remembered that you didn't really tell him. "I-Ehm" you spoke up but stopped. "God, it's so embarrassing and fucking stupid." You buried your head in your hands. "Watch your tone" Robin muttered under his breath and bit his lips immediately afterwards. You just ignored it and rolled your eyes. "I confessed to him that I have a crush on him" you finally said. Why were you even telling him that? Well, he didn't know you so he hopefully wouldn't judge you. "And I hate it so much" you continued. "Why is that?" he asked with an arched eyebrow. "Because I hate this mushy feelings nonsense. All my other friends are very romantic and bubbly about this topic and I just can't stand it. Or I used to at least. God, I don't know anymore. But he was the only one that got me. We could walk around Gotham and bicker about all those couples, make jokes about how disgusting it was, how neither of us liked or wanted that for ourselves. But then of course I had to catch feelings and it had to be him. And my friends found out and teased me and hinted on hit while he was there and..." you had to stop yourself to take a breath. You were definitely rambling. "And I ended up confessing and messed our friendship up." You lifted your head up but didn't look at Robin. Somehow you didn't dare to. For a few moments you only tried to calm yourself down again, breathing in deeply and staring at the lights of the city. "And I don't have the courage to face him" you finished your ramble. Robin reached one hand out to you but stopped before he touched you. Instead he pressed one finger against his earpiece and furrowed his brows. You stared at him from the corner of your eye. "Yes, I will be there shortly" he said to whoever was on the other end of the line before turning his attention back to you. "I'm sorry but I have to go" he said and stood up, holding his hand out to you again. You took it without hesitating this time and wrapped your arms around his neck again. No time to waste since he was needed somewhere and you didn´t want to be the one to keep him away when he was needed. You landed on your roof only a few minutes later, no shaking legs this time. You let go of Robin who opened his mouth but didn't speak up. Probably because he was listening to the message through his ear piece again so you just waited. "Yeah, I'm only a few streets away" he answered the person and then looked back at you. "Go inside, something is up only a few blocks from here" he ordered. You only huffed. "I can handle it if something should happen here" you responded and crossed your arms over your chest. Robin´s lenses narrowed. "I didn't ask." For a few seconds the two of you just stared at each other passive aggressively before you rolled your eyes and nodded, giving your okay. You could hear police sirens coming closer. Something big really must be happening only around the corner. Robin had turned towards the sound and grabbed his hook. But before shooting it he turned towards you one last time with some of his dark hair fallen into his face. "Good night and stay safe, (Y/N)" he said and disappeared in a hurry. "I-" you started and frowned but he was already gone. "I never told him my name." You sat on your roof quietly for a few more minutes even though you agreed you would go inside, his smell still in your nose and the picture of his black, messed up hair in your mind. The smell. A tough smell of leather and steel mixed with the softness of nature and freshly cut wood. And if you weren't imagining things he also smelled a little like oil too. "Oil?" you wondered. Then your eyes widen in realization. "Oh, fuck." _________________________________ How did you not realize it sooner? The voice. The way he spoke. How he didn't leave you alone on the first day of your meeting. His height and appearance. How he reminded you of your foul mouth. Finally his smell and him knowing your name. To say you were livid would have been an understatement but you somehow also felt really numb since you connected the dots. You stayed at home today. You didn't dare to go to school today. But now you were sitting on the roof again, hoping he would show up. But the time went on and everything kept quiet. 'Maybe something happened he had to deal with today' you thought while dangling your legs over the edge. It was already a few hours after midnight and even though you were rather tired and yawning profusely you would stay on the roof all night if you had to. The soft tunes of some random song were lulling you in again, so much that you didn't hear him landing behind you. "You´re still up" he said in a stunned voice but not questioningly. It was more of an objective statement. Nevertheless it made you turn around in shock. "Can you like not do that every time you come here?" you asked and pressed one hand against your wildly beating heart. Even though you didn't really know what the real reason was. His arrival or simply his presence? "Sit down, I have to talk to you about something" you commanded and turned away from him. He followed your request and sat down beside you. "What is it?" he asked with concern in his voice he desperately tried to cover up with irritation but you noticed it anyway. Now that you knew you suddenly were able to read him. "You want to tell me something?" you answered with a counter question. He only raised one eyebrow in confusion. The silence wasn't comfortable it was tense. You collected your thoughts before turning towards him. "I know" you only said but he seemed to understand it immediately because now both of his eyebrows were arched in shock. You kneeled down in front of him, your face only inches away from his nose. "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you play me like that? Did you enjoy how I made a fool out of myself in front of you again?" you couldn’t help but yell at him. You felt hurt and betrayed. "I can't believe you did that to me!" "Stop. Listen to me before you draw one of your conclusions again" he growled, now also kneeling in front of you. You crossed your arms before your chest and huffed. "One of my conclusions? Again!" you howled but stopped yourself and shrugged your shoulders in a downgrading manner. "Okay, sure. Explain yourself then" you snarled. "What else was I supposed to do? You avoided me, didn't even let me respond to your confession" he spit back with clenched teeth. "It was the only way to talk to you." "Maybe I didn't want to talk to you about it yet, Damian!" you threw back at him. "I despise the way I feel. I wanted to let it pass, never tell you about it but then all this crap happened. And it messed everything up." You no longer could meet his gaze so you stared at ground, slow backing away. "I fucked it up. And I just can't..." Robin, or rather Damian stayed silent also looking away. Hugging your knees you placed your head on them and watched over the city again. You had to calm down first before doing anything else you might regret again. "Were you telling the truth that day?" he suddenly asked which made you look at him again. You wanted to respond immediately but he interrupted you. "Except hating all that feelings stuff" he added. You closed your mouth again, too ashamed to answer him. "I don't know. I'm not sure" you finally answered. "I know that I still don't like seeing couples being completely over each other, or cheesy rom coms or stuff like that but... I think I wouldn't mind it if I would do this things with you" you stopped and looked at him but you couldn't meet his green eyes only his white lenses. "God, that sounds so disgustingly sweet." That last part made him chuckle which made you laugh a little as well even though it was more of a nervous laughter. "You said that I didn't let you speak that day so... you can do that now" you said. Did you even want to hear it? His response? Suddenly you felt very vulnerable. You had opened up to him, confessed your feelings and he could break you down with one single word. "Well, I would have told you that-" he began, not stuttering even once. You felt jealous. Perfect Damian Wayne didn't even stumble over his own words now. He edged forward, towards you so he would be as close to you as you were to him before. He spoke up again: "That I'm relieved you feel so for me because I would have not been able to pretend any longer." Your brows narrowed in confusion before your eyes finally widen in realization. "Wait, hold on. Wh-what?" you stammered and blinked furiously. "Did you just-" "Return your confession? Yes." You backed away out of instinct but only a few inches. Your mouth opened and closed many times without sound coming out of it. Far too rattled, caught off guard to form any words or sentences. "Hang on" you managed to choke out. Pressing your forehead against your hand you needed a few seconds to process what he had just said to you. "You want to tell me that you -you! The only other person I know who hates all this feelings nonsense- is returning my feelings?" you said questioningly and faced him again. Confused, arched eyebrows adorned your face. "Pretty much, yes. But I could throw that statement right back at you" he responded and leaned back with a smug grin on his face. And of course, he was right. "Since when?" Damian shrugged his shoulders and scratched his neck. "I don't really know. I noticed it a few weeks back but it was getting really hard to pretend a couple of days ago." You nodded in agreement. "I can't believe it" you muttered. All this drama for nothing, all this time he felt the same way. And you didn't notice. "Can I kiss you?" You were definitely blushing again, or maybe your blush never left. Your eyes darted back and forth between his white lenses, not really knowing where to focus your glance. Unable to form any words you just nodded and Damian crept closer. Intuitively you wrapped your arms around his neck again, like you did yesterday but now to close the distance between you two. For one split second he stopped moving, looked at you, at your eyes before placing his lips on yours. It felt like an electric shock ran through you and you tensed up but only for a moment. Then you melted into it and responded the kiss. It was sweet, no heat, nothing hidden beneath. Just an innocent first kiss that made your heart beat higher. Your fingers slowly stroked the hair on the back of his head while Damian's hands found their way to your waist, pulling you closer to him. You were certain he could feel your heart beating like you could feel his against your chest. Then his lips left yours, they left you breathless. You opened your eyes after a few seconds of trying to calm down. You couldn't even remember closing them in the first place. When you looked up you meet Robin's mask, Damian had only backtracked a couple inches. "Can I?" you asked and placed your hands on the edges of his mask. You wanted to see his eyes, you needed to. He nodded after looking around to make sure no one was watching or could accidently see him. Slowly you peeled it off and underneath were sparkling green eyes. Eyes so green you couldn't find anything right now to compare them to that would do them justice. You placed the mask beside you and let your fingers wander over his skin. Then you placed them on both sides of his head and pulled him towards you again, you kissed him again. His lips moved against your own, his hands wrapped around your middle and pulled you flush against him. This kiss was more heated, still rather innocent but not that cautious anymore. You never wanted to pull away from him but after a while you had to catch your breath. Breathing heavily you stared at his eyes. "But we- all this... that doesn't mean we have to go on double dates with my friends now or watch sappy romance movies, right?" you asked anxiously while his face was still only inches away from yours. "Of course not" Damian chuckled. "I still hate that." You breathed out in relief: "Good." Then you kissed him again. You just couldn't help yourself, he felt so intoxicating. He was like a drug, he lulled you in and you couldn't resist. But Damian didn't seem to mind since he responded eagerly. When you eased back out of the third kiss you wrapped your arms around his middle and hid your face in his chest. Breathing in you could smell the leather and steel again but being so close you also notice the faint smell of wood, nature and oil paints. Damian buried his face in your hair and huddled you against him. The two of you stayed that way and enjoyed the silence. This conversation definitely didn't go like you imagined but the outcome was surprisingly better. Sighting you turned your head slightly so you could watch over Gotham again. This night was undeniably not as peaceful as the ones before but somehow you didn't register the loud sirens echoing through the streets. And the red and blue lights didn't seem as aggressive as they normally did. For you everything was perfect, everything was at ease. The air was cold and danced around you, blew through your hair and tickled your nose. You could hear Damian's relaxed breathing which slowly lulled you in. You had never heard such a hypnotizing tune before. It even made you forget that your phone was still playing your music. "You're Robin" you said after a while. It wasn't a question; you just had to repeat the fact after everything that happened tonight. Damian nodded anyway; you could feel his head move. "Does that mean Batman is ... your Dad?" "Yes" he hesitantly answered since there was no use in lying. His body tensed up underneath you anyway. "Okay, cool" you said your face and voice blank. "Are you alright?" he questioned and shifted a bit to get into a more comfortable sitting position. You sighted, not letting go of him and snuggled closer. "Yeah, yeah. Just let me... process all this. Today had a lot of surprises" you retorted. "Didn't think my crush would return my feelings and reveal himself to be Robin and then confirm that his Dad, Bruce Wayne, is Batman which explains a lot by the way." You could feel how Damian's chest moved when he chuckled at your words. "To be fair, you were the one who revealed me, you found out I was Robin" he stated. You tried to free yourself from his grip to look at him again but Damian only loosened it a bit. He still had his arms wrapped around you but you know were at least able to see his eyes. "Maybe you should try to keep your secret identity a, well, secret" you told him with a huge grin on your face. He nudged you in the side which made you squeal. Your cheeks heated up in embarrassment again. God, you were making sounds you never imagined would ever leave your mouth. "Hey, it's not my fault Mister Perfect made the mistake to call me by my name when I didn't tell Robin" you explained. "It's not my fault when you make me act like an idiot" he stated defensively. "Is your world tinted in pink?" you teased and stuck your tongue out. "Isn't yours too?" he threw back at you. "Well, currently it's green" you whispered while staring into his eyes and creeping so close your noses almost touched. Maybe your mind played tricks on you since it was pretty dark but you could have sworn you saw a red hue cover Damian's face. "God, we sound disgusting" you said to end his suffering but didn't move an inch. He played you the last couple of days so now it was your turn to have some fun. "I don't mind, with you at least." "Fuck, was that something like a compliment leaving your lips?" you asked and staged a shocked face. "Shut your foul mouth" Damian growled and pulled you even closer. "Make me" you grinned. "With pleasure."

   _________________________________

Addition: "Wait!" You pushed him away from you. "Did you know the mirror cabinet would only have that small space to hide in?" Damian smirked at you wickedly. "Maybe." "I can't believe you!" you howled indignantly and tried to wiggle out of Damian´s grip but without success. "Why did I have to catch feelings for you, you mean prick! That was total agony for me while you enjoyed it, didn't you?" you yelled while you could feel not only your cheeks but your complete head getting hot. You punched his arm which only made him laugh. "Maybe" he only said again while looking down on you with a mischievous grin still on his face. "God, I hate you." "I hate you too" he responded in the same sarcastic manner before giving you another quick kiss which you returned eagerly.

[weirdness-on-the-roof]

critical role episode 48 campaign 2 notes and funny lines post break edit:this has detailed notes on all the stuff that happened later in the episode including physical descriptions near the end. enjoy ya nerds

don’t steal the books from a high powered mage; don’t kill the dude; beau turning into cad; look at beau planning for the future

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is marisha flirting with matt via matt playing yasha and beau flirting with yasha?

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‘tea the international language’ but no earl grey

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wensworth the goblin

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coming from Cad ‘im a fine tea maker’ is kinda a threat tbh

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elf that isn’t white/European??? yay! also really old elves are cool

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beau and cad tag teaming a political chat with a mage this can’t end poorly

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Nott: :beau ruins every situation shes in and is very abrasive

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send the freaking cat!!! why not?? caleb my dude

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god i miss allura and gilmore currently

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fucking fuck don’t lie to the mage beau plz stop this is painful ‘you’re not wrong’ sure blame the ancient sea god

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‘on the verge of returning’ yea no duh you let him out 2/3 of the way so fjord could get a spell

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‘we found a thing’ so smooth and eloquent beau ‘it was presented to us as the happy fun time ball’

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‘butter fingers with magical items’

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beau getting a geography lesson from a very old powerful elven mage

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‘magical geometric orb that has the ability to bend time and space and fate’ which is kept in a hot pink magic bag that happened to ‘fall into [their] lap’

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‘if youre down im down is what im saying... i have a few slots open in my loyalty bank if you’re willing to pay rent’ says the 20 some human who punches things to the centuries old wizard ‘

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liam stress eating

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cad’s hope in the group is heartwarming

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tower metaphors and a conversation!!!

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caleb reading shitty romance novel and nott eating a fish outside a mage’s tower in the morning sunlight in a major city

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caleb takes the rear

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first name drop and a while

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holy shit 200 years of magic using

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cad explaining materialistic nature of the rest of the party to elf dude is hilarious

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teleportation circles?????? in return for access to the sphere!! oh shit thats good

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or candy

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crap. no one has insight checked this dude and they gave him the happy fun ball and made a deal kinda.

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‘how do we prove our loyalty?’ ‘by not fucking me over’ sounds like a good plan

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is this guy just caleb’s patron now on the low idk this is how my head works and he said learn

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“you have a geometric shape that makes babies?” “yea they talked about that”

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fjord just kills the dude

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‘i got banishment on hold just in case’ *cackling laughter*

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i agree with elf dude, him not knowing anything about the dodecha is more concerning than him knowing about it

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ALL THE CITIES FROM CR1 MENTIONED FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! I STILL MISS ALLURA AND GILMORE

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good to know the pink bag protects from divination on this plane but just this one

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jester and the traveler figurine

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cad included the Traveler in the ‘chaotic forces’ i still think the traveler is some kinda arch fey evil things idk its real late here and this is incoherent

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‘well, thats been my morning tea‘ 

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caleb getting additional tour

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good aesthetic for the room tbh

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letting weird people in for morning tea is entertainment is a mood and something i strive to be able to do without getting murdered one day

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so yasha and caleb both have gotten the ‘stay with friends’ chat from a powerful being which is nice. but also the ‘use who you need to’ going to caleb is vaguely concerning

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personalized biscuits [bourbon, cinnamon, lobster, fish and three unknowns]

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‘caleb, what happened in there?’

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cad not believing caleb’s bullshit and opening doors for caleb warms my heart

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‘if this isn’t the death of us, and if not hes a good ally. somethings gonna be the death of us so [yolo]’

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‘you can’t bullshit everyone in this world’

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cad talking about beau telling the truth: ‘you’re not very good at it but you tried

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jester looking out for nott and her home town

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caleb and beau being cute while also giving each other shit is the most sibling like thing

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omg going back to allfield that was so long ago for fucks sake BRYCE my person thank god

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jester had a boy band phase its cannon and i think the girls had a sleepover in jester’s old room. also marion never leaves the hotel. THE RUBY NECKLACE MY HEART AND THE HONEY AWWWWW

‘the army of men and women and inbetween that will do as i want them to’ god i adore her being protective of jester

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also the fact matt makes such a good mom why is he like this

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travel time!!!! ‘roll for initiative’-tal

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how does matt keep these notes so organized and remember all the npc names

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the ranger/beast master in Laura is coming out with nugget

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caleb is a devout cat person and jester is the definition of a dog person

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nott refining oil on a magical moving cart, while jester reads a romance novel and trains a dog,

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Dyren- Beau’s roommate at colbot souls; ‘taught beau lots of really cool things’ got sent to a warfront. shaved head, dark clothes, buff b/c ‘been workin out’, ‘do you love her?’ they had ‘good times’, then literal booty call, and dropping locations, Dyren was in Bladegarden. ‘fierce eyebrows, pointed nose’

                    OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES

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Vandren info drop to Fjord ‘he was making amends’

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Dyren responded and was hurt in Bladegarden but is safe. Beau looked immediately worried and happy about jester’s imput [’sounded way into you’]

-------

empire kids chat and caleb admitting insecurities about powerful people and being scared about the consequences of his actions and the group’s actions. caleb is scared about being forced to leave for safety and being ‘flayed alive’. my thoughts are he would leave if he became a threat to the others by being there or vise versa. trent would extort that b/c hes a dick

“caleb, unfortunately, you don’t get to choose who cares for you” you’re fucking correct Beau

“the problem with friends is that you have to care for them”

walks away “wow cool caleb! see- jester thinks you’re cool because shes your fucking friend!”

me too Tal “everything i like about those two characters in one conversation”

-------

5 years since Caleb left Trent and crew ie had a nervous breakdown

-------

gustav left town after being freed and trostenwald now has a WV accent that is too familiar

-------

100 extra soldiers in allfield. bryce is still up and kicking and wonderful. stuff ‘got this far east [quickly]’. the attacks came from underground apparently so fuck. the fields were burned, building destroyed a bit then they [Xhorhasians] left

“good thing is they’ve already been attacked so lightning doesn’t strike twice” oof thanks bryce

-------

beau just dead ass asking for illegal writing statements

-------

fjord having a thank u jesus bryce moment

-------

jester giving cad a pretty present is ‘so exciting’ and precious

-------

Cad not knowing cookbooks were a thing!!! and not being utterly literate enough to understand it

-------

wtf happened to liam’s voice in the ‘main export is oysters’ thing

-------

FELDERWEN!!!!!

-------

a dozen squads of 50 ppl each patrolling felderwen area so rippppp

-------

Nott knows where the halfing’s house is.... interesting... and is heavily drinking

-------

BLUE FLASH

elven woman in fine clothes of green and black ----lady vest durogna the arch mage of antiquity serboros assembly

a male figure in deep blue robes, older pale elf, fine clothes, the flash came from him----- martinette luden’th de____ arch mage of domestic protection

CALEB KNOWS THEM BOTH FROM THE ACADEMY AHHHHHH

he just lays flat and hides in the cart internally: ‘nopenopenopenope’

-------

several burned buildings, a warehouse, an inn, apothecary and several houses

-------

ohhhh shit the halfling was the owner of the apothecary and nott was looking for the shit she had been sending back this whole adventure....... im sad now that was confirmed

havent found a body of yeza

luke is yeza’s son at old edith’s house

            halflings only produce halflings according to something i read at some point but forget where sooooooooo

shattered vials and materials and house stuff

CHILDREN'S TOYS

locked basement which nott knows of?? Nott is anxious and impatient when the door doesn’t open. jester fails, yasha rages and at a 19 and doesn’t break the door. ‘it wasn’t [trapped]’ but dispel magic worked to open it.

a 15′x15′ room, tossed ‘not like you remember’ to nott, a 2x3 iron chest. a single chair in the center of the room. definitely a struggle with heavy impacts and blade scratched on wall

             nott was the torturer from the goblin tribe

chair was placed in the spot after the struggle

this was where he [yeza] kept chemicals according to nott

poisoned iron locked box (dull black glass)  inside a retractable silver tripod to hold something atop it, 3 empty vials 1 full one with a liquid/gas fog like dull colored thing, a pile of destroyed notes [two pieces of still legible paper which have props]

            dunamous field, causes ppl slow to be slower or faster, ‘captured crin operatives’ dunaments and dunamacy, origon gliffs, exist outside established schools of magic, theory in deeply rooted in arcana taken for granted, rooted in _____ town, 12-16 months to refine, word has found me that trent’s kiddos have knacks for this things, dreams are thrilling

well shittttt

            crin on battle fields, ‘breaking fields of fate, fuck the raven queen

SHIIIIIT

a piece of dunemous

dodecha goes in tripod according to beau

chair facing chest

-------

cricks did this apparently

a little under 100 crowns guard killed, 4 civilians burned

soldiers just ‘slowed down’ 

left via tunnels and collapsed them behind them

-------

nott dont be a bitch and don’t get mad at caleb and call them ‘his people’

-------

cad picks up caleb and ‘youre not at fault here, youre the solution here. don’t let her anger... its not about you’

my HEART

-------

the chest is too big for the haver sack but fits in lorenzo’s bag of holding

-------

people have entered and exited since the attack and left the chair and stuff

-------

lots ‘o chairs

-------

nott needs to see ledith and uke (?) and not flip the fuck out

‘humble hobble’

nott looked like halfling plump face, braids, tan skin

edith- human older, grey hair, beady eyes, ever present smile like face

          LUKE IS HER SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CANNON

         *edit- rewatching this and seeing ever one’s faces “wheres my son?!” particularly laura/liam/travis just hurt. liam just looked up after a second and travis did his face he does and laura just stiffened and eyes and hand to face. caleb/liam who knows just hugs himself the rest of the convo. marisha is note taking and fuck the video off now

about 5 yrs old, blue eyes, tan/light brown skin, halfling

gave him the doll of the king

IM GONNA CRY NOW BYE

‘HES PROABLY DEAD NOW TOO LIKE I THOUGHT YOU WER’

yenza locks him away when ‘the mean lady comes by’

mean lady has pointy ears and comes often, luke was kept in room, luke was pushed out of the house and told to go somewhere safe so he ran to edith’s house and ‘everything was on fire’

‘im not strong enough to come back yet but know that [im stll thinking of you and i send things] and i hope dad sends them to you.“ fuck my heart

“in my heart i think he is” “well don’t die”

-------

the elves are gong to the ruins of yenza’s house

-------

marisha looked so betrayed

tal ‘i was waiting for the riegel shoe to drop’

WOW

HEY CALEB- WOOOW

-------

we’ll pick up hiiiere

fuck you sam and matt and everything abou this my heart is just FUCKKK

ummm so enjoy the frantic poorly taken notes <3

[wonderwonderhowido]

fic roundup

Another year-end meme, this one looking back on my fic output in 2016.

Wordcount: 126,116 words according to ao3

Stories: 10

Fandoms: 7

January: None

February:

Goodbye Highway (first chapter posted in January, finished in February) - The Raven Cycle, Ronan/Adam, 69k words. The big amnesia fic.

Did I Say Too Much? I’m So In My Head - Haikyuu!!, kuroken, 3k words. Kenma pines and then is brave. This was the one I wrote during the one all-nighter I pulled in 2016, while I was in a semi-euphoric state after the Carly Rae Jepsen concert. Memorably, this was also the night I tripped and read all the ushioi and found myself with a new otp, but the fic I wrote that night was actually kuroken.

March:

Better Make Sure That You Get Yours - Haikyuu!!, ushioi, 6k words, written for Auto’s birthday. The rimming fic.

April:

Last Year’s Wishes Are This Year’s Apologies -  Haikyuu!!, ushioi, 13k words. The one where Oikawa saves Ushijima from a dude hitting on him, drunken hookup ensues.

I Am One Of Your People - Haikyuu!! x Attack on Titan, Armin/Kenma, 5k words and written for ouroboros for smutswap.

Stand Brave Life-Liver - The Raven Cycle, Ronan and Noah gen, 1,802 words. A missing scene from TRK.

May - August: None

September:

Change of Heart -  Haikyuu!!, ushioi, 12k words. The one where they get lost in the woods together and have to work shit out.

November:

Warm Blood - Mystic Messenger, Jumin/Zen, 7k words and the first chapter of a WiP that will probably never be finished. Zen’s a vampire in this one.

December:

Teach Me Just What Fast Is - Yuri!!! On Ice, Yuri/Otabek, 3k words. Basically just my manifesto of headcanons about Yuri P being a sub.

Tiny Islands Where We Didn’t Always Have To Be Afraid - Jessica Jones, Jessica/Trish, 4k words. Backstory of them hooking up while they were teenagers.

Leitmotif of the year:

I am not sure that there is a single leitmotif that runs through all or most of these, but all my ushioi plus Goodbye Highway have to do with struggles of reconciling the past with the present, and the general concept of, and importance of, the baggage you can have with someone. So I guess that.

Other themes I’ve noticed: healing from trauma; pining; jealousy, resentment, anger and the complications ensuing from these uglier emotions getting entangled with romantic yearning; gaining understanding and knowledge of another person and/or yourself through sex; sex and control, specifically the sexiness of surrendering control to someone else.

What’s the story that makes you happiest?

Goodbye Highway. I feel like a broken record for how much I’ve already talked about my positive feelings for this story, but, well. It made me happy to write and it makes me happy to think about.

My favorite stories this year:

Goodbye Highway; Better Make Sure That You Get Yours; Change of Heart

Most popular story:

Goodbye Highway, and I’m a little stunned by the popularity of Teach Me Just What Fast Is, considering I wrote it on an airplane. 

Story most underappreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

Hm. I mean, both Tiny Islands and I Am One Of Your People were barely read by anyone, but I didn’t really expect them to be? I wrote the Armin/Kenma for ouroboros in smut swap, and they loved it, so I consider it successful by that metric, and Tiny Islands I wrote primarily for myself and I’m satisfied with it, so.

I guess I feel like Change of Heart and Last Year’s Wishes are underappreciated, partly because they got less kudos than the ushioi rimming and were harder to write/more plotty than that, and partly because I always think that ushioi is underappreciated by the universe in general.

Most fun story:

Change of Heart. Dramatic locker room arguments, a hike in the woods gone horribly wrong, forced intimacy, and all of Oikawa’s issues and hangups. The dialogue I wrote for this is some of the most fun I’ve ever had writing dialogue, and I loved pulling so liberally from my own internal monologues for Oikawa’s.

Sexiest story:

Better Make Sure That You Get Yours. Hard to argue with rimming and frenemies to lovers.

Story with single sexiest moment:

Adam sucking on Ronan’s fingers and then his dick before fucking him, in the middle of the longest sex scene I have ever written, at the end of Goodbye Highway. Oh also Oikawa coming on Ushijima’s face in Last Year’s Wishes.

Story with single sweetest moment:

Probably Goodbye Highway again, Ronan and Adam eating chocolate cake and watching porn together. I’m also awfully fond of Blue and Ronan’s first conversation together in GH, when she gives him the light, which maybe doesn’t strike other people as sweet, but it is for me. Also, Oikawa coaching Ushijima on how to make friends is very sweet to me.

Hardest story to write:

Warm Blood. It became hard enough to write that I’ve pretty much given up on continuing it, which is too bad; I kind of feel like I shouldn’t have posted it at all, oh well.

Easiest story to write:

Teach Me Just What Fast Is, or Did I Say Too Much? Both of them were written in p much one sitting, while I was sleep-deprived and in a good mood, and they just flowed.

Truest story of the year:

I still struggle with deciding on a definition of ‘truest.’ Tiny Islands is the story truest to its canon; Goodbye Highway and Change of Heart are the two truest to myself, I guess.

Story that made you cry/saddest story:

I don’t think Goodbye Highway is ultimately a sad story, although some might disagree, but it was the closest anything came to making me cry.

“Holy crap, that’s wrong even for you” story:

I don’t think I wrote anything that would fit this even remotely. All the porn I wrote was extremely right.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

I don’t know if this counts as shifting my own perceptions of the characters, but I wound up writing Jumin and Zen as kinder to each other than I’d originally intended in Warm Blood, and I’m still sort of mad that I wasn’t able to make their dynamic nastier.

Biggest disappointment:

Not writing the Blue and Ronan gen story where they become roommates after Gansey’s death.  

Biggest surprise:

I cannot fucking believe that HQ is the fandom I wrote the most for this year.

Most telling story:

Goodbye Highway, which is basically just 69k words of me processing my own brain shit. Change of Heart, wherein I wrote Oikawa a lot like myself.

Favorite opening line:

From Better Make Sure That You Get Yours: “Oikawa had a list of things that frustrated him about sex with Ushijima Wakatoshi.”

(Honorable mention, from Last Year’s Wishes: “Go suck a dick, Ushiwaka.” Listen, I love writing Oikawa more than I love most other things on this earth.)

Favorite closing line:

"Ronan sat on the forest floor, ignoring the occasional buzz in his pocket that indicated a text from Gansey, until it started to get dark. The temperature dropped, though not by much. Stiffness grew in his legs from sitting in one position too long. Distantly, he could hear the roar of an engine on a highway, so far away that it seemed quiet and kind. And around him, fireflies.” From Goodbye Highway. I just need to point out that I wrote this before TRK came out, and therefore m*ggie owes me for the concept of Ronan and symbolic firefly imagery.

And I can’t choose, I also love this one so much:

“As Noah crouched over Gansey’s body and said the words Gansey needed to hear, energy lines and time circles and knots in threads flitted through him like bird wings flapping. He was relieved to find that letting go did not feel like being murdered at all.” From Stand Brave Life-Liver

Favorite line from anywhere:

I’m very fond of this line from Tiny Islands, because it’s very simple and forgettable out of context but, at least to me and within the context of the show, it has a super bleak impact: “Jessica’s hangover the next morning was terrible, and she swore to herself she’d never drink again.”

But also like, the real favorite has to be this one from Goodbye Highway: “The holes in his mind scared him. But they were just holes. They couldn’t hurt him in the present.”

Favorite title:

Tiny Islands Where We Didn’t Always Have To Be Afraid, which is my favorite lyric from Run Fast by The Julie Ruin, a song that makes my heart hurt whenever I think about it. Honorable mention for Last Year’s Wishes Are This Year’s Apologies, because Fall Out Boy.

Looking back, did you write more stories than you thought you would this year, fewer than you thought, or about what you predicted?

I don’t remember having any real predictions about how many fics I would write, but hm, probably fewer? I wrote fewer than last year, but more of my stories were longer and/or more substantial.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January 2016?

Ushioi took me by surprise and I’m so glad and I’ve never looked back.

Story that could have been better?

Idk, I’m pretty pleased with the quality of most of them. Stand Brave Life-Liver probably could have been better, but I’m not sure how I could have improved it except by being an entirely different kind of writer than I am. I Am One Of Your People could have been more ambitious, but I think it works as a hot sex scene and a snippet of an established relationship. Warm Blood could have been finished, but oh well.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Goodbye Highway was risky, I guess, but it didn’t feel like it at the time because it mostly flowed easily. Same with most of what I wrote, tbh. I started working on a novel pretty early on last year, and the work on that was for the most part not something that flowed, so fanfic was more of an escapist thing for me, something I thought of doing purely for my own enjoyment and often something I spent time on when I knew I should be doing other things. This meant that most of the fic I wrote was id-driven and a blast to create. I guess what I learned is that it’s worth it to try and find that sweet spot where your writing is simultaneously you shooting from the hip, and striving to pull off an ambitious concept.  

What story do you want to have written?

I want to have finished the otayuri spy AU, I’m so impatient with this one, it’s all I’ve been thinking about. And I want to have written ushioi where Oikawa tops. And I want to have written some kind of otayuri fic that involves them having some kind of fight or misunderstanding and angsting about it and then resolving the conflict. And I want to have written the otayuri idea I have that I described as “orgasm denial but for kissing.” Look I just want to write otayuri all day, every day.

Story I want remembered:

Goodbye Highway.

What’s next for 2017:

I don’t really have any fic goals right now beyond finishing my current otayuri WiPs. Predicting next year’s fandoms is always fun to look at later, in a ‘wow I was hilariously wrong’ way, but I have no idea what’s coming up that could prompt me to write fic. Maybe I’ll write some stuff for Attack on Titan s2, if that starts showing up on my dash again. Maybe I will continue to tend my humble ushioi garden and write the bottom!Ushijima of my dreams; I keep thinking that I’m done with HQ but that hasn’t happened yet and I should probably learn to stop predicting it. I would like to write some victuuri, but I’m waiting for the right idea and it might never come.

You know what WOULD be nice, but I have no idea if this is actually on the horizon, is getting into a big western TV slash fandom again. I’m so ready for another Teen Wolf. I mean, I think a lot of us are and have been for a while, and YOI kind of turned out to be way more of a juggernaut fandom than I would have predicted, which of course I’m thrilled about. But it seems like all of the big non-anime fandom waves in recent years have been movie fandoms, which I can never seem to sustain an interest in, and I want another huge ridiculous TV fandom. I have no idea if this will be in store or not, though, beyond YOI hopefully continuing to gain momentum.

[shatteredlovers]

I’m sure you know who this is.. i was scrolling through your blog because i miss you. you are currently in choir class singing your pipes away.. so i’m here.. at home.. longing.. missing.. but anyway to give you a bit of a distraction from reality for a second, do me a favor baby and answer all of these questions😊

Baby, you’re killing me lol

Femme or butch? I’m femme

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it. Wendy

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? Plaid

Describe your style. I’m all about comfort tbh

Describe your aesthetic. A tiny pink bicycle with a little bell and tinsel on the ends of the handlebars

Favorite article of clothing? my green sweater

Favorite pair of shoes? i wear flops all the time lol

Current haircut? its just a long blunt cut

Any haircut goals for the future? not as of this moment

Describe the best date you’ve been on. the night i met wendy, which wasn’t a date at first but was definitely date. we stayed out until like 5am looking at stars in the desert mountains

Describe the worst date you’ve been on. 8th grade, smashed heads with a kid during a scary movie

Single? Taken? taken

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife! Wendy is truly the love of my life. I don’t know where I would be without her. She is so intelligent, thoughtful, determined, confident.. the list goes on

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife? i’m not

Describe your dream wedding. I’d just like it to be outside, near a body of water. And I was a dress made of lace in a kind of boho style. that’s all i know

Do you want kids? YES

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? I’m not sure if I’m honest. 

Favorite lesbian movie? i don’t rly have one?

Favorite lesbian novel/story? i don’t really have one of those either

Favorite lesbian song? “Sweet Woman” by Cris Williamson

Favorite lesbian musician? Cris Williamson (as of right now)

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any? never knowing if a girl is flirting, nose piercing, screaming lesbian feminist

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal? yeah many times

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that? make me laugh and show up to support me in things

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian? I like the camaraderie of a bunch of wlw talking

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? i love dogs (but cats are sweet babies too)

Turn ons? biting, dominating me, rope, rly soft kisses on my neck and lips, phrases like “do you wanna cum for me, baby?”

Turn offs? bad breath, anyone siding w/ donald trump

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you? I usually wait lol i’m a bitch

What is your dream career? to be a music therapist!

Talk about your interests or hobbies! I love music and writing

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have? honesty

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone? I have an open heart

Ever fallen for your best-friend? Not when they were my best friend first, but I’ve fallen for Wendy who is now my best friend. 

Ever fallen for a straight girl? nope!

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?) never watched it

Favorite comfort food? chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven

Coffee or tea? tea

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? none

Do you have any pets? i have a bunny

Early-riser or night-owl? night-owl

What is your sign? libra sun, scorpio moon, pisces rising

Can you drive? yup

Who was your first lesbian crush? that actress from stick it

At what age did you know you were a lesbian? i realized i liked girls much later than most, around 16/17

At what age did you come out (if you have)? 17

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)? my gf

Talk about how your day went. I did a phone interview for a job working with sense deprivation tanks lol

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future. I would like to be a well established music therapist, go into some research, maybe teach. I would like to work in a psychiatric facility with adolescents specifically.

Least favorite gay celebrity? idk tbh i don’t rly have a least favorite