#idk it was the most androgynous thing I could think of

[wo0zyw3ezer]

Day 18 fairytale

Little red riding Steve’s encounter with a bulborb! Plus a sketch to make up for not posting yesterday

[protaetia]

🐞

[zemnarihah]

i've been having. gender issues i must say

[asherashedwings]

PICOS SCHOOL DESIGN DUMP

Pico

So, I decided that my previous designs for a lot of these characters are going to be more-so their designs during the events of the Pico’s School games. So when they were kids. Like, some will be a bit different, but for the most part, that’s how it is. So then these new designs are them as adults.

When trying to figure out Pico’s design, I didn’t know how I wanted his outfit in this new design to differ from his previous. Cuz like, that’s already the perfect Pico fit. But then I realized “omg, it’d be so much funnier if I DIDN’T change it.” Cuz he is definitely the type of mf to be wearing the same clothes he’s had since middle school.

Like, Cass or Nin come back for a rematch, and they both look super different, and then they look at Pico and he looks NO DIFFERENT than last time they saw him.

Darnell

I immediately broke my rule with the previous designs with Darnell, cuz I just really liked the previous design’s outfit and was like “eh, imma use that for his adult design, and just change the kid design.”

I imagine he got that varsity jacket like, custom made, and it was like super fuckin expensive. But like, when he got it, he decided “wait, I don’t want the sleeves” and just ripped them off 💀

Can’t have long sleeves when you’re always working with fire ig.

Nene

I think Nene is the one I’ve drawn in alt. outfits the most. What can I say, I just really like drawing her and messing around with her clothes. So I had a lot of previous pieces of mine I could look back on for reference.

The main change that isn’t outfit related is her hair. I just decided to dick around and see what looked good, and landed on that. I think it looks pretty good, idk.

Also, gave her a WWJD bracelet cuz sometimes I forget she’s Christian and I thought it was funny.

Reminded me of this one stupid idea I had, featuring my very headcanoned version of the G-Squad:

Like, the G-Squad are doing their whole cult thing, worshipping the Peniliens, when the Pico trio burst in, and Nene says something like “THERE IS ONLY ONE LORD AND SAVIOR, AND HIS NAME IS JESUS CHRIST.”

And then they kick their asses, idk.

Also, here, them as kids. Pico just got spikier as he got older

Okay, time for some antags 💥💥💥

Cassandra

She was actually the first redesign I made in this batch.

Main change: Beard. I just sorta wanted to make the Penilien duo more androgynous. I imagine that they don’t really care about transitioning that much, since they don’t have the same gender roles and stereotypes as humans. Just “I’m [insert gender here], that’s it.” Also, I just think Cass slayed with a beard.

I also wanted to incorporate shapes from their alien forms more into their human disguises. So I gave Cass these big sleeve things to sorta emulate the big bulky arms she has in her true form.

One of her pincers is also chipped. This comes from the fact that in Pico’s School, one of her horn-hair things is shorter than the other, and I wanted to find a way to incorporate that.

Damien

I don’t think there’s much to say here that I have already said while talking about Cassandra.

I imagine Damien does less to hide his alien features, since he has a huge superiority complex and thinks Peniliens are superior anyways, so like, why hide his true colors? Why hide what makes him greater than everyone around him?

So yeah, that’s why he keeps his tail out.

Nin

YIPPEE, HEAVYILY HEADCANONED CHARACTER TIME‼️‼️

So Nin differs with the whole “previous design is them as a kid” thing, cuz he doesn’t really age past his age in Pico’s School. Cuz bro dies.

(Also, quick HC timeline: Pico 1 and “Pico 2” (the conflict with the robo-kids) both take place in middle school, while what I call “Pico 3” (the conflict with the G-Squad) happens in high school. So that’s why Nin appears less child-like; he’s a high schooler)

So like, I hc that when Pico killed Nin, Nin pulled some necromancy bullshit and revived HIMSELF. Cuz idk, that feels like some bullshit Pico’s School would pull.

So now he’s undead. His hair also sorta resembles horns cuz it’s sorta to symbolize his devotion to the Peniliens. If y’all are interested in hearing all the HCs I have for the G-Squad (or just PS in general), I might share more at a later date.

That’s all for now tho.

Bonus:

My color palettes for these fuckers. They’re all named after the MSI songs I associate with each of them. I do not support MSI, I just really like the music and it reminds me of Pico’s School for some reason, so I always listen to a lot of it whenever I get sucked back into this fandom

[rubyglasses]

Fancasting The Secret History

sharing my vision of who could play these classics students

i tried to be as realistic as possible, considering their book descriptions and casting actors close in age to each other and their characters. after seeing so many of the same names in these fancasts, i wanted to throw some new ones in the mix!

henry's a big guy, dark-haired, square-jawed, bespectacled — he basically looks like clark kent/superman. so my thought process went to henry cavill look-alike, jamie flatters (b. 2000). coincidentally, my old fancast was david corenswet, so i guess it all checks out. i only know jamie from avatar: the way of water, but based on his music videos, i think he's got the acting chops to capture henry's more unhinged side that he lets slip idk

to me, bunny is the most american out of the group because of his family background, it's even described as "an upbringing vitally present in Bunny in every respect, from the way he shook your hand to the way he told a joke." saw this rudy pankow (b. 1998) casting suggestion on mycast and it just made total sense to me. having watched him as jj maybank in outer banks, i know he can capture how obnoxious bunny can be, and he'll do well trying to annoy every character and pushing their buttons.

admittedly, this was a hard one because i originally had tom glynn-carney in mind but i wanted someone younger, so i didn't go too far and went with ty tennant (b. 2002) who's played the younger version of his characters twice now. i mean if you think about it, aegon ii targaryen and charles have a couple things in common: both are alcoholics and have an incestuous relationship with their sister 😭 since charles and camilla look androgynous and described as angels, i figured ty looks the part. i also believe in ty's acting skills to portray charles' complexity as the story goes on.

i thought of young actresses who resembled ty and went with thomasin mckenzie (b. 2000), who i loved in jojo rabbit and last night in soho. i know thomasin would look good as a blonde, but more importantly, she's got the face for period dramas. camilla is enigmatic, but i think richard just saw her as like an ingénue, so i figured thomasin can do that layered performance.

thought and long hard for who to cast as francis because i'm so tired of seeing the same redhead actors or some random redhead model 😭 thank goodness luther ford (b. 1999/2000) has been discovered. his portrayal in the crown sold me because it was very francis of him to just sit around drinking booze and smoking while dressed in modern princely clothing.

another inspired casting suggestion i saw on mycast — physically, i think dominic sessa (b. 2002) truly fits the bill; i like that he's not your conventionally good-looking guy too. acting-wise, he was incredible in the holdovers. and i believe he could put so much more personality to richard papen's character.

might make a part 2 for other characters like julian morrow and judy poovey :> thanks for checking this out and let me know if you see the vision!

p.s. it's never gonna happen but it'd be interesting to just see this set of actors get together because they seem like a bunch of introverts 😭 they might bond over taking film photos of each other though so that's cool

[musicalmoritz]

Though on genderswap Mitsukou? What would their characters belike both appearance and personality wise?

Yuri Mitsukou!! I love this question

So awhile back I posted smth like “no fem4masc Yuri Mitsukou it has to be masc4masc” which like. I don’t really agree with anymore. I like that in canon one of them is feminine while the other is masculine and it’s not really done in a stereotypical way. Fandoms make a really big deal about people feminizing male characters- and for good reason, it does happen a lot. But that gets taken to the point that they end up unintentionally reinforcing traditional gender roles. “How dare you draw that man in a skirt” or “that male character would never cry.” It’s also weird to me that I never see the same defense given to female characters being masculinized, so it ends up feeling like a lot of fans just hate femininity. So when a male character is feminine and seemingly likes masc dudes but has one of the loudest personalities in the manga, I think it’s pretty neat. Ofc there are fans that are weirdly against calling Mitsuba feminine but I already blocked most of them so idk what they have to say

(I could talk more in-depth about how fans are so worried about feminizing Mitsuba that they erase all the soft parts of his personality and make him one-dimensional but I’ll hold my tongue)

However, with fem!Mitsuba things are usually portrayed differently. Since dude Mitsuba’s initial conflict was being bullied for looking like a girl, most people say that the reverse would be girl Mitsuba being bullied for looking like a dude. This is fine but we also have to keep in mind that the entire gag of Mitsuba’s character is that he looks feminine but has an unfiltered personality, based on his looks you would never expect him to act that way. So if girl Mitsuba looks boyish, does that mean her personality would be super soft and delicate?? Because, yeah Mitsuba does have a soft side but not in that way, and it’s not at the forefront of his personality. Plus girl Mitsuba could still get bullied for looking too feminine, internalized misogyny is very much a thing

However, at the end of the day it really depends on personal preference so I’m not at all bashing either depiction of fem!Mitsuba. I go back and forth over which one I like more. Gender themes are a pretty big part of how I write Mitsukou so it’s hard for me to imagine that switched up, but it’s also incredibly interesting to think abt. All in all I like to keep fem!Mitsuba looking androgynous, maybe she has a boyish face but still dresses very feminine. Or maybe she has a girly face but dresses very masc. It’s one of those things I like a variety of interpretation on. For this I say she keeps the same hair length and pink cardigan but wears the girls uniform. So like yeah she basically just looks the same

As for Kou, those of you that read my wlw Kou//Nene fic should know that masc girl Kou is actually everything to me. A lot of fans sort of flip their gender presentations when gender bending them- Mitsuba becomes masc and Kou becomes fem. That’s totally great if that’s what you like but for me personally Kou is gonna be wearing Old Spice. I like to imagine her hair a tad longer in the back, like a choppy version of the Bisexual Bob. She wears some type of hoodie over her uniform the same way canon Kou wears a t-shirt under his uniform. The hoodie is blue btw (gotta incorporate the lore from my mtsk fics)

I feel like their personalities and dynamic would stay mostly the same! Maybe make them a bit clingier the way female friendships are but they’re already pretty clingy in canon lol. I do wonder if Kou’s flaw of not being able to open up about his feelings properly would change due to gender socialization. But many women (including myself) have that problem too so I think it would stay the same. She might be able to open up to Teru or Yokoo and Satou better but she’d still struggle to admit when she’s feeling overwhelmed. I could see her not being the type to tell someone how she’s feeling until all those emotions have built up for months. That’s how I’ve seen the whole “can’t talk abt your emotions” problem present itself in women. And men tend to only feel comfortable opening up to their romantic partners, which is something we very much see with Mitsukou in canon. But with fem!Kou, if Yokoo and Satou were girls two they would probably encourage her to talk abt her feelings rather than just being like “let’s give him a task to distract him” (which is fine too, men have different ways of comforting their friends)

Thank you for this ask!!

[lafemmemacabre]

The fact that cishet women keep appropriating terminology around LGBT femininity is kind of sad honestly.

Not that it justifies either the willful ignorance or the entitlement depending on the case, but it's pretty clear to me that they feel bored of or boring regarding their gender conformity + cisgender-heterosexuality, and it makes me think they either subconsciously would prefer to be more gnc even if they truly are 100% cishet women but don't feel confident enough to do it because they don't know how to exist outside of the confines of complete gender conformity or they're afraid of getting backlash from it, OR even if they truly are feminine in earnest they so far have been doing femininity in ways that aren't authentic to them but rather complying with what they've been taught is the way for them to do femininity as Normal Women.

I describe that last possibility because it's always the most normiest of cishet women who do it. I've mentioned in other instances that my only brand of femininity that makes me feel authentic and comfortable is goth hyperfemininity, otherwise I'd be an androgynous blob 24/7, and I have yet to see cishet goth women and girls ever go out of their way to claim terms surrounding LGBT femininity, or any other alternative cishet women and girls.

Because they're already at least to some degree embodying their own femininity in ways that aren't fully conventional but that feel authentic to them and comfortable to them.

In summary, maybe cishet women should start to allow themselves to have more fun about their gender expression, be it either allowing themselves to forego femininity if they feel it's not working for them, or they could take inspiration from LGBT femmes and feminine alt women and be feminine in ways that aren't necessarily conventional but that feel better to each of us individually.

Be feminine but not shave off body hair, be feminine with a buzzcut, etc. Pick and choose from femininity the way we do and DIY it to what we authentically like. Hell maybe some of them wouldn't mind going on T while still identifying as feminine cishet women! Who knows?

Idk, it's a sad thought that perhaps the reason many of them do this is because they feel constricted in their gender conformity and don't know how else to spice things up.

[valiantsuitcaseskellington]

Weeping Siren

Inspired by this post, but not the same thing.

Had this amazing idea I couldn't let go.

So basically, Danny's home world was destroyed, and none of his friends or family are alive or even dead with him. I'm not sure what caused thus but probably some sort of dumb GIW plot. This act also damages, but not destroy, the ghost zone/infinite realms.

Danny becomes the ghost king, sure he might have a bit of paper work, but in this story the main job of the ghost king is to keep the ghost zone working/safe, and even protect it should he have to. Because the ghost zone is damaged, he spends most of his time feelings himself through the ghost zone and fixing areas, maybe this is why the Lazarus pits exist?

Anyways, since Danny's always stressed and is grieving/will always grief his home, the ghosts always feel the sorrow of their great king, whom they all grow protective of, and who they greatly love and appreciate.

Danny takes to singing to relieve stress, help him pass the time, and even let him grief in a safe way. Despite this and the love of his people, being in the ghost zone and effectively working even when he can sleep, it all starts getting to him. So he starts performing his songs to the ghosts, telling his stories, his wishes, his love and grief, what he wishes could've happened, and what he hope WILL happen, all through his songs.

Yet he is still in the ghost zone, and so the ghost suggests he performs to the many dimensions and universes that the ghost zone is connected to, it is infinite after all.

And so he does.

From here the ghost king gains a reputation for being a great, yet sad king. A being that could destroy dimensions without trying being in perpetual grief. His stage name becomes the Weeping Siren.

It continues like this.

My idea come from a story where the JL see Constantine being excited/ecstatic for once. They ask what's up and John says the Weeping Siren is going to perform in their universe soon, and he's excited to attend.

One thing leads to another and John or Zatanna convince the other members to join, or the other way around, the JL convinces the two to take them. Either way they tell the JL time and space and everything stops for those who attend, so there are no consequences, and everyone can have a chance to join. And they want the JL beings from different dimensions and universe will most likely be attending as well.

If you want to go even crazier you can add different versions of the Justice league or those they know, like many different versions of Jason Todd attend and things like that.

I imagine it like a bar/dinner kinda vibe, with a stage that Danny steps on to. He's obviously going to be dressed androgynously, and it's hard to say if he seems more ghost or human, as his forms have long since practically merged with eachother. Sure he could shift more to one of his sides, but he accepts hes both, so he becomes both.

Danny sings songs, even the happier songs have a wisp of sorrow or longing in them.

A song I'd add is Nobody by Mitski. Idk why, but it resonates with me, and I think It'd resonate with this Danny.

This danny totally wears dresses, and i imagine he wears darker colors, more blacks with chains, as well as have glasses that look perscripting perched on his head like you would sunglasses. With a certain flower in his hair. Nods to Tucker and Sam. Yes he wears pants and combat boots popular my many world's men. He'd wear biker gloves and all in all he'd change up his outfits, wearing a multitude of different things popular of both genders. Yet the flower, the dark colors, those glasses, they always stay consistent.

[demonir]

Welcome to Adrian’s good omens thoughts while he’s half asleep again, on todays episode I want to talk about how important the gender expression in the show is to me

Don’t mind the typos I’m lying down without my glasses

I really appreciate how subtle they are about characters genders and stuff, characters with commonly male names being played by actresses and they still use stuff like “sir” or “lord” even if they also get referred to as they/them. They don’t make an intense effort to make them look incredibly androgynous either which like- idk it’s nice.

Knowing neither angels or demons have a defined gender also feels so so so nice because it comes paired with the fact they still choose to present in specific ways and use specific pronouns because newsflash bozo someone can be nonbinary or agender and still present masc as fuck or fem as fuck and use either he/him or she/her and if they wake up 2 weeks from now and change that they are still valid.

Which takes me to my second favorite point, Crowley’s change in gender presentation. I know we all know or at the very least agree he’s genderfluid but like I want to highlight the way he does it because it means so much to me. He has obviously chosen to be masc presenting through most of history (that we’ve seen, there could still be periods of time we haven’t seen where she’s been fem) and idk abt you but I was a tumblr teen years ago learning a very skewed version of gender identity and expression where if you wanted to be genderfluid you had to look very attractive as both genders and also PASS as both genders convincingly (as well as being perfectly androgynous when being neither, this also applied to nonbinary people), as well as change it like every 2 days or so and have no preference? That’s the way people would make it seem to me, that’s the way people would portray their genderfluid characters in fandom spaces and that’s the way my teenage mind came to absorb it.

Now, it’s 2024 and I’m sure all of us with common sense know this is bogus but still seeing Crowley just sorta… brightened my everything? Knowing nanny Crowley wasn’t just for the joke, knowing that during certain scenes she was indeed being fem… but the most important part to me is that no matter what he was still HIM, they could have gone the easy route and have an actress play fem Crowley and be like “oh well she’s a demon she can shapeshift whenever ooooo” like so many people do with their ocs (I was one at one point) but it is still obviously him, it is still David Tennant playing Crowley and nobody else and when she’s fem she’s still got the same features the same everything and that’s somehow just… so freeing to see? It’s realistic, it’s grounding. You can be fem and still have overly masculine features, you can be fem and still have facial hair, you can be masc and still wear makeup, you can be masc and not hide your chest.

Now I wish this was all just… more obvious to everyone, I know some of this stuff because I saw posts, I saw people talking about it… but not everyone is gonna go through a 3 hour post scavenger hunt for extra lore like I do and these things are simply not addressed in the show. There IS a certain freeing feeling to the gender stuff not being addressed, it simply happens, it passes by and you might not even notice, but also comes with the double edged sword of people simply thinking SOME of the characters have funny genders but the others don’t.

Sorry I’m distracted rn bc I can hear a fucking bohemian rhapsody cover coming from my moms tv the timing of this is fucking wild, anyways I’m gonna try to get my thoughts back on track

So yeah, to some people like for example my aforementioned mother, the nanny Crowley thing was merely a joke and nothing else, not a brief moment of gender expression but just a perhaps even nasty joke played at the expense of other people. To her every other Crowley before and after that has been strictly cis male and mlm despite the fact I did in fact explain to her that he’s not, same applies to Aziraphale and perhaps even harder because we only ever see him presenting masculine through the entirety of it and trying to explain otherwise to the woman that thinks she can use she/he on me because I’m bisexual will not work (and she refuses to use he/him on me anyways mind you, or my chosen name. Says it’s too complicated, but I know for a fact that if one of the characters had changed their name mid show she would switch to the new name instantly…..yknow… just casual transphobia for me only)

I would like just…a passing comment or a scene that lets everyone know the nuance yknow? Finally something that cannot be disputed by everyone, and you might say “well but Crowley says he’s neither when he gets called a good lad” and to that I say yes but people still dispute the meaning behind it, my mom certainly would. And again you might want to shake the nanny scene in front of me and again I’ll remind you of people thinking it was just a joke, a disguise, a singular haha funny. You might want to gesture towards other scenes or moments or passing phrases but the thing is they will or have already been debated on because people will try to deny it no matter fucking what and it’s FRUSTRATING, so perhaps it’s just me being petty or wanting to give them a good ol fuck you but I’d like it if either Crowley or Aziraphale or both just looked at the camera head on and went “we are not men, also Crowley is genderfluid” no ifs no butts no second meaning just straight to your face, a giant “shut the fuck up” to annoying people.

Now I’m not gonna die if this doesn’t happen, I’m fine with that… it just sorta feels depressing seeing someone in the wild genuinely saying shit like “why are you using she/her for Crowley? He’s a man” my brother in Christ I am about to hit you with the mallet of knowledge and you won’t be able to look at that demon the same way ever again.

The gender expression in good omens matters so much to me as someone who struggles with her own and Crowley and Beelzebub matter so much to me as a little afab genderfluid/nonbinary (I’m not sure yet) motherfucker, I need to go bite some fuckinf ccomcrete right now man, accidental typo but I’m keeping it.

[ambrosiagourmet]

Okay, I'm trying to firm up some thoughts about heteronormativity for the world of dunmeshi. We don't see any explicit homophobia (afaik???), and it's a little hard to separate real life heteronormativity from the potential in-universe kind, BUT there are a lot of the markers of gender roles and prejudices that often come with this stuff, and I want to dissect some of them.

DISCLAIMER I am painting with a broad brush here just to summarize what I've observed/what we know. Obviously all these races/cultures are going to have a variety of different subcultures within them and opinions/norms/laws/etc can vary a lot. No group is a monolith etc etc but this is a high level look at stuff.

Also I'd prefer people only reblog this if they are participating in the convo/adding something. This is for my reference and I'd rather it not spread much, at the moment. Thanks for understanding!

So... Laios and Falin had arranged marriages to a girl and boy, respectively, along with there being a slew of other prejudices they grew up around, so that's a glimpse into the tall-men culture in the northern continent.

There are a lot of different cultures in the archipelago but at very least the Nakamoto clan currently works in what looks like a patriarchal structure, though all of Shuro's siblings are male so I guess we don't technically know if women can inherit? Hien kind of assumes that she and Shuro might end up romantically involved in a sort of "well that's how it works" way which is fairly heteronormative so I think its fair to say that on a baseline level that assumption is present there.

Since Otta is judged more for dating short-life races than for dating women, it seems like maybe elven culture is more flexible. HOWEVER they are such a Power Structure TM and the noble houses care so fucking much about lineage and status that I have trouble believing that it's completely free of problems. Probably at least the nobility is expected to fit in heterosexual molds? Idk. They do look more androgenous and overall feminine than the other races, so that could also contribute to more fluidity. Of note here also is that in addition to a canon lesbian in Otta, Lycion also is Extremely Transgender. Though also of note: these people are the criminals in the group. So.

I don't know that there's as much info to work off of for the gnomes, dwarves, and half-foot cultures.

Dwarves have very strong family ties, which COULD lean towards heteronormativity but doesn't necessarily have to. Some dwarven women in dwarven cultures let their facial hair grow out - it's not necessarily super common, but it's much more likely to happen there than in a place like the Island. I lean towards thinking that they are more flexible, and maybe it varies from family to family how much there is an expectation of heterosexuality. Like the elves, they are more androgynous than most of the other races, AND one of our other major mostly canon queer characters (beloved bi Namari) is dwarven.

No idea about gnomes. The most prominent gnomes we see are the married Flokes and Holm. Holm's sister seems to have a bit of a thing for Kabru, so that's a couple of points towards Heterosexual Gnomes, but hardly anything definitive. They also live alongside dwarves so I imagine that if the dwarves are flexible they probably aren't significantly more strict about stuff. Also!! Kiki is the last of what I'd label the Mostly Canon queer characters, and she and Kaka were raised by gnomes! So that does seem to fit the "more overtly queer characters have ties to less heteronormative seeming cultures".

Again, no real idea about half-foot stuff. Chilchuck got married young and was a teen dad. Two of his kids seem very Interested In Men, the third gives big lesbian vibes. All of these things seem like they could be as much just orientation as anything socially enforced. I do think it's notable though that, while Flertem and Puckpatti are explicitly and loudly Into Men, Meijack is just quiet and gives off Vibes.

Ummmm yeah orcs (at least the ones we see) also have hierarchies based around polygyny so that's them.

YEAH that's most of what I can pull together currently? I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on interpreting all this, and if there are any lore details I missed!

Generally speaking I'm inclined to believe that heteronormativity exists as a baseline undercurrent in a lot of regions and cultures, and is more enforced in places that are either A) dominated by hierarchies (eg elven noble families) or B) insular and xenophobic in a variety of ways (eg Laios and Falin's hometown).

[moodr1ng]

taking further weight/fatphobia/ed/general depression vents under readmore lol

cause like i cannot express how genuinely bad the fatphobia i have against myself is. like. when i picture myself in my head, in the future, i always imagine myself as skinny, bc ive lived my entire adult (and teen) life thinking of my body as a temporary impediment which ill eventually fix. early last year i thought i finally had and was so happy and then gained all the weight back. and idk what to do about it bc i have tried so so so hard to just 'accept being fat' and as i have said again i do not understand how that is possible in this society and i have never managed to get anywhere close to that and dont know how to.

and as a result of this i have considered like. every awful awful option out there for losing weight. like, i tried to get my doctor to prescribe me diet pills. i looked into ozempic and the only reason im NOT trying to illegally get some is that its for diabetic people and it harms them to take from the limited supply. i looked into various weight loss surgeries (be it bariatric surgery, which i cant get bc im not fat enough to qualify, or liposuccion but even if i could realistically afford it i hear it doesnt work in the long run). ive starved myself so much, tried so many diets, so many sports, never managed to stay on for long enough to maintain the results. no joke, i have considered developing a heroin or coke habit EXCLUSIVELY to lose weight, and the reason im not doing that is its too expensive. i complain about my adhd meds giving me food disgust but tbh every time it happens im also relieved bc it means i wont be able to eat for a few days. idk what to do anymore bc this is ruining my life and has been ruining my life for most of it.

i literally feel so worthless, ridiculous and unloveable specifically bc of my weight, and in particular the way its disposed on my body. i would be fine having fat arms, fat thighs, i would probably dig having a fat ass and chest and hips tbh! but i store all my fat on my belly and thats the one part i dont want to be fat, as well as my face and neck. this is such a massive block for me tbh. like, when i talk to new people i always feel like theyre looking down on me or find me pathetic because im fat (and bc im short which is my other major insecurity - i feel like being tall and fat is acceptable but not being short and fat). i dont take any compliments i get at face value bc i feel like everyone is just being nice by pretending like i could EVER be good looking. the only time ive ever felt attractive since i was a young teen was when i had lost the weight last year, and i couldnt maintain that bc it was so stringent.

sometimes when i think "i might be fat for the rest of my life and never manage to maintain being thin" i contemplate suicide over it. its like, the one thing about me i can never accept. i used to have so much internalized racism as a kid/young teen but i eventually got over that and came to appreciate my non-white features and even wish i had inherited more of my mothers looks (like her hair). i used to be so insecure about not being masculine enough but today im actually more into being kind of androgynous. i used to hate everything about myself and ive gotten much better about a lot of it. i dont hate my facial features or my hands or my legs or my arms anymore. i just hate my weight. and its the one thing i cant fucking get rid of.

and like, ive tried so hard to just.. look at other people ik with similar body types who i think are super attractive and think "if theyre attractive and they look like me, surely i could be too?" but it never works no matter what. and i mean, ik outside of like, societal fatphobia, a big part of it is my ed right. like obviously as long as i have an ed that is focused on wanting to lose weight im never gonna be able to accept being fat. but i cant get help for my ed bc there are no resources. and there are no medical professionals who will help me accept being fat bc theyre also fatphobic and they only want to help me lose weight, and they cant even manage to do that.

im just extremely tired of it all. every day i wish i was skinny. i can live w all the rest. i just need to be thin. i dont even need to be bone thin or whatever i just wanna be average. and its so fucking hard for so many reasons. i can almost never cook for myself bc of The Mental Shit. if i do cook for myself its rly hard to do anything complicated so its often not very balanced or healthy. and i rely so much on fast food, takeout and frozen meals bc of this inability to cook. and then theres the emotional shit - bc ever since i was little ive binged whenever i felt anything. bored? binge. angry? binge. sad? binge. happy? binge. theres no emotional state that doesnt wanna make me binge. and the only way i can stave it off is like.. either indulge in other vices (drugs alcohol etc) or just. dip into the restriction part of the ed and start starving myself again. and ofc once it becomes unbearable.. more binging. idk. idk. im at a loss. no one can help. and theres so many things piled on top of each other that make everything impossible.

im not even just talking about the weight - i mean everything in my life is like this carefully balanced tower of cards where each bad thing supports another bad thing supporting another bad thing until it builds into this massive self-sustaining network of dysfunction.

its like. i wake up in the morning (still tired from whatever the hell is wrong w my sleep, probably didnt sleep enough or too much, either way feeling bad). my room is a mess and theres fruit flies everywhere bc of the heat and i need to clean, but bc i woke up exhausted and feeling sick i have no energy to. i go get some water and theres a pile of dishes in the sink that are getting grosser and grosser but the idea of washing them is so daunting i cant bring myself to. i need to shower, but showering is such a hard task, and then if i shower i also need to brush my teeth and take care of my hair and thats so much energy. and if i do all that, well, i havent done the laundry in like 2 weeks so i have nothing clean to wear, so if im gonna shower i should do the laundry so i dont just get clean to put on dirty clothes right. and doing the laundry and hanging the stuff to dry is also such a hard task. and then if im clean and wearing clean clothes, am i just gonna get back in my dirty bed? i also need to change the bedsheets, and i hate doing that. and if im gonna change the sheets then i probably should fucking clean the bedroom, right. and i dont have the energy to do literally any of that. so im dirty, my room is dirty, my kitchen is dirty, i feel like shit, im tired, i havent eaten anything yet. maybe a decent meal would help. but a meal means cleaning some pot and pan to cook stuff in. and then it means cleaning it again after im done cooking, and also cleaning the dishes. and fucking hell i cant do that. so i think, maybe ill go to the convenience store and get a sandwich. but that means i need to get dressed and do my hair and i probably smell bed and i cant just go out like this and im SO TIRED. so i go to order takeout. and sure i could get something fresh and healthy like a poke bowl or something, but thatll cost me like 25 bucks, and i could just get a burger and fries for 10. so i get that. and i dont feel any better, because ive been eating carbs, sugar, and some shitty processed meat near-exclusively for the past several years. and im so tired and feel so awful and so guilty and so gross, so i just start smoking and drinking. maybe if im lucky ill do some art or whatever. and thats how my day goes and then ill go to sleep in my unchanged sheets unshowered laundry undone room dirty dishes piled up. have a bunch of nightmares wake up drenched in sweat etc. and do the same thing tomorrow.

and idk how to fix any of this bc its a cycle right. like where do i start? i feel like i cant do anything bc everything is SO heavy SO tiring SO daunting and im just so exhausted. i want to sleep for 10 years. i want to be happy again. but whenever im not happy i forget how it felt to be happy. so theres nothing to look forward to. and then i think about killing myself again. and thats just how it goes.

ig thats why im so so hopeful to actually get an at-home aid who can get me to do chores and get groceries and shit bc that might actually be the one thing that breaks the cycle, cause i definitely cant do it by myself.

[hssprimefan]

MC Style (and relationship to gender) Timelines

Nebula

Nebula had a brief not like other girls phase in middle school. They didn't really think about why not caring about your appearance or hating on popular tween girl things made someone cool. They didn't even know they were trying to be cool, they just looked down on "other girls" because it made things easier.

Then they read an essay about how pop feminism was way too hard on Cinderella. This deeply resonated and changed their whole perspective.

"I've been pushing away femininity, but I want to be sweet, understanding, gentle, and soft. To choose kindness in a family that tries to break you? To choose hope in a home that treats you like a complete nothing? That is strength. I want to be Cinderella."

They started looking for the good in everyone and everything they could. Found a positive in every situation. Chose empathy at every turn. They were also defiant at their own past internalized misogyny (and deep in the closet), so they became the girly-est girly girl everrrrr. Wore a dress or skirt every day.

In some ways this was good. Instead of dismissing girly things, they chose to be curious when someone talked about say twilight, or one direction. Stuff gets popular for a reason, and a girl's passion for a boyband's whole discography wasn't so different from their own encyclopedic knowledge on the history and development of telescopes.

And like Cinderella, they did stay strong, and they found a chance for escape. They got emancipated as soon as they turned 16. Moved away, changed their name, and planned to never look back. Happily ever after.

This brings us to High School Story!

Most people don't question their appearance at all. But a few friends notice how rehearsed everything they do is.

Nebula does not easily trust people, but they say such forgiving things people assume they're naive. Wes has noticed that tension.

As you can see, they start out pretty defensive when their friends seeing through them. But they have a point, so Nebula slowly starts to become more honest with themself in general. When they come out as nb, friends are either VERY surprised, or totally saw it coming. No in between. They die their hair, and dress weirder! Sometimes still feminine, sometimes more masculine or androgynous, but usually weird and always fun.

Galaxy

He went by Riley, until Junior year of high school. (High School Story starts his sophomore year). That didn't start as a gender thing, his dead name is just hard for strangers to pronounce because he's Indian. Galaxy said he was a boy when he was 7 but everyone thought he was joking. His parents took it more seriously when he came out at 12, and they didn't really get it, but they tried. His parents are good and chill in general.

He was fat, and had natural talent for style. He very strategically picked clothes to hide his shape, and as some other kids started to grow facial hair, he would sometimes fake it with makeup. He dressed as normal as possible. Through a lot of effort and luck, he passed. He was still bullied for his size and being effeminate.

He was somewhere in the middle of the social hierarchy, so he knew other kids who had it worse. He stood up to bullies aggressively. On first impression he was funny, but he had an intense side that scared people away as they got to know him better.

He joined the basketball team, and played really well despite his height. They actually liked his intensity and became his first friend group. It was mostly a good thing, but he absolutely got more sexist as he tried harder to distance himself from queer accusations and be one of the guys.

This brings us to High School Story!

His main group of friends here is Autumn, Payton, and Mia. In some ways this is easier than the basketball team was, but it's complicated.

IDK how many of you read Queen of Hearst (Kara's photobooth date quest), but there's a moment when Max is a jerk to you and Kara at a bonfire where you performatively either kiss or put your arm around Kara as kind of a "take that" at him. It confirms all of Kara's worst fears about you and guys in general. (ok she says "date" but there's no way this quest was written with a female MC in mind)

It's the first time he can't ignore how the toxic masculinity he told himself was self defense is actually hurting those around him. This is a turning point. He starts asking more questions, both of himself, and to his female friends. He's absolutely a feminist by The Games We Play (the start of Sakura's video game tournament arc).

When his classmates either don't care or celebrate Mia and Katherine being very openly a couple, he relaxes. He lets his hair grow out. He dresses more comfortably. It's not such a secret anymore.

And soon after, his name is Galaxy. It's not a secret, and definitely not a shame anymore.

[butchpositivity]

Is it a normal experience to question if you’re butch or femme and go back and forth with those labels? I feel like most people just know if they’re butch or femme already and I feel bad. I feel like either one I went with would have me wishing I could be the other. And I know I could be neither but these labels are really important to me I guess?? I guess it’s not really a butch thing to wish to be femme but idk. I’m comfortable being masculine usually, it’s just my default state. I also want to be seen as masculine and I wanna be a femmes butch!! The label and experiences resonates with me a lot. But I also deeply wish I could dress more feminine or wear makeup and use the femme label.

i say this with love friend but you are trying to change yourself to fit a label rather than allowing a label to describe you i think. like if either one would make you feel bad and want to be the other, i don't think that's you? and maybe im wrong bc really its up to you to figure out yourself without approval from me or anyone, and maybe ur a butchy femme or a femmy butch in your own lil niche, but like just sayin it's totally fine to be fluid or androgynous in presentation too. its also not like, a life long irreversible thing. you can try calling yourself a femme for a while and living your life in that shape and see how it feels and same with butch. idk i hope you get where you're goin though bud, take it easy.

[bluestarjay]

I love T.K. from digimon. He's my favorite from the original 8 digidestined, and he's so underrated!!! A year or two ago, I had a thought about t.k being genderfluid or at least gender non-conforming because I think that's so interesting. We get to see all of them grow up, and in T.K, I see a lot of unconformity in both his personality and style, and it really got me thinking. Idk where the genderfluid thing came from specifically tho,,,

In 02, he relives a lot of his trauma from devimon, and he kind of switches back and forth between a really nice kid and then a revenge focused fighter, yk? And of course, it's much more than just that, but Iori mentions that he doesn't understand T.K. and the kind of person he is. To me personally, I think that kind of behavior could be translated into their gender as well. I love how sassy he is and how perfect he and Kari work together. Just imagine how perfectly androgynous he could be??? Matt is literally in a band, and in Tri I feel like fashion is such a big topic,,, idk I just saw that in his personal style I could see them wearing skirts and dresses, lots of jewelry, yk? And with the hats?? Ugh, just imagine T.K. in one of those Rockstar girlfriend outfitsssss A long denim skirt, the chunky docs, a very slightly cropped shirt, chains, and to top it off a kind of newsboy cap (the cute kind obvi)??? Like, guys, T.K. is literally part French. Obviously, he's some kind of queer!!! /hj And then another day, cargo pants, baggy hoodie?? Like guys, the reason he's not genderfluid or gnc in canon is bc they knew he'd slay too hard ‼️‼️‼️

And when he realizes he doesn't totally feel like a boy, he immediately goes to Sora bc Sora is obvi the mom friend of the group and has the best advice, so she tells him that it's ok, and to talk to mimi about how to express himself better. So he goes to mimi and they talk about it, and she does his nails, and he's like " 😧😧😧😧" (IN A GOOD WAY) and she gives him some old things from her closet to try on bc how else is he supposed to find out what he likes?? BTW, guys, I hate mimi in s1, but in 02, she's literally the sweetest and most supportive person. And then when he comes out to the new digidestined, Iori and Daisuke are confused asf but 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ and miyako is a tad bit offensive but without meaning to be, and then Kari is so super supportive especially bc she once accidentally walked in on Tai and Matt kissing or smth. Patamon does NOT understand human gender, especially since digimon don't technically have genders, but loves him sm he'll do whatever to make him happy

[eirian]

something really freeing for me as both a person and a character designer was coming to the realization that women (and by extension men, or any gender for that matter) can look like literally anything. real people dont look like one single thing. look at me for example, i have long hair and facial hair and also wear all pink most of the time. im not an extreme example but still

women can have beards. they can have clean faces. they can have boobs. they can have flat chests. they can have long hair. they can have shaved heads. they can wear dresses. they can wear suits. they can have wide hips. they could be rectangular. none of these things make you any more or any less of a woman.

i think character designers limit themselves with what certain genders Should look like rather than what they Can look like. i always see one end of the spectrum or the other but never in between or outside. women characters always have long or feminine-short hair, clean faces, boobs, usually some form of curves. men characters always have short hair or masc-long hair, flat chests or pecs, no curves, boxy figures. i think we need to move past these boundaries and break free of them.

while i also believe its good to represent what an "average" cis body/person looks like, i think we need to diversify even further and break out of gender presentation norms completely. you dont have to look androgynous to be gnc or nonbinary. you dont have to look feminine to be a woman, or masculine to be a man. there are actually no real limits. you can do whatever you want forever actually

"but it makes things confusing!" idk how to break this to u but people are complex and confusing sometimes. all you have to do is take the time to understand and get to know them, and then they wont be confusing. its that simple.

so ya. we always talk about "breaking free from gender norms" but i dont see a lot of it going to this extreme. i think we need more of this complete lack of rules for gender

[your-queer-dad]

Hi dad,

I'm new to all of this, and it's a bit overwhelming. I hope it's okay to send a longer message.

My spouse recently came out as trans. We haven't been on good terms for a few months, which is due to events unrelated to their gender identity. Even after he's treated me poorly, I'm happy for him embracing this part of himself. It's really beautiful to see him in such a good place.

After my mom died, I've slowly been on the path to realizing that I am trans since it is safe to come to terms with my gender identity with her dead now. She was really emotionally abusive and not supportive my queer sexuality much less anything I did that was out of the norm for clothes and a nickname I chose that was a more gender neutral version of my given name. Her bullying me about anything I did that she wouldn't have done or wanted for me was immensely painful. I was unexpectedly really torn up when she died cause I thought I would feel more safe than anything. I'm glad I am starting to feel that safety in her death now.

I came to terms with being genderqueer after my spouse came out to me (independent of my spouse coming out to me). I don't want them to feel like I am encroaching on their journey or to think I am copying them or something (which I think is my mom's voice, though my spouse has been saying some really mean things to me and about me lately so maybe I'm picking up on something with them.. idk). I am not going to come out to him for awhile so he gets the space and independence he needs in his transition. We have a lot of mutual contacts, so I will have to stay closeted at in a couple of places in my life right now. It's all really stressful, especially with the grief in multiple areas of my life. I'm really lucky to have an amazing chosen family who has been largely supportive.

This brings me to why I'm writing to you. When I told one of my friends who is genderfluid about my spouse and his new name, they laughed and said that my spouse has the most stereotypical nonbinary name (I guess because it is a noun or something; I looked it up, and it is popular among nonbinary people). I was really taken aback by someone making fun of my spouse for doing something I thought was a beautiful name that fit his personality really well. My spouse has hurt me, and he doesn't deserve to be laughed at for whatever he wants to do or be called in his transition and beyond. He deserves love and support for who he is.

Now I am really insecure about doing things that are going to be made fun of by other people or be seen as stereotypical baby-trans things. I only felt safe coming to terms with being genderqueer after someone who would say the meanest things to me in my life died (with whom I was estranged for years before she died). I don't even know what my transition goals will be or what I'm going to like since I think I exist in either a genderfluid space and/or a blob of masculine, feminine, agender at the same time space. I started experimenting with androgynous makeup, and I felt so much joy at first. Today I have been feeling really insecure about it though, and I'm sad my fear of what people may say is interfering with experimenting with new ways of expressing myself.

Do you have any advice on exploring things during my transition? I don't want my insecurity and fear about what people will say stop me, and I am human with feelings that can get hurt. I do have to be relatively cautious about some things since I live in a state where it is dangerous to be trans. Though, there's a lot I could explore without putting myself in danger if I could get out of my own way and stop worrying about others' opinions.

If you read this, thank you for reading such a long message. I've been so overwhelmed, and I appreciate your time and support. I love your blog and what you are doing for those of us who need some dad advice, love, and support. Thank you for what you're doing.

-mebb

Hey kiddo! Thank you so much for reaching out. That sounds like a really complex and pressured situation for you to be in and I am so sorry. My best advice is that there is absolutely no rush- it isn't a race and you don't need to try anything until you're ready. And never ever let anything anyone says stop you. There will always be people who make fun of things, or judge you- you can't stop them but you can always block them out. Stay true to yourself and if something feels right in your heart, go for it.

- dad x