#idk maybe im being selfish. but im someone who will let people walk all over me

[applejongho]

I need new friends . Lmao

[polyamorouscultureis]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Wow, this is a lot. I'm sorry you've been through this.

From your original question, being a "bad communicator" when you're angry suggested to me that you're the kind of person who needs space to collect their thoughts before being able to have a mature conversation, which is perfectly fine - I'm like that too!

But given this story you followed up with, sounds like the instance you are talking about where you didnt tell him what was wrong was long after these mismatched expectations had been established. You told him you wanted more than FWB, and he didnt want to move beyond something casual. You both were going through really hard periods of your life. It's possible that subconsciously, you didnt feel safe speaking candidly to him yet, considering your past with abusive men.

However, considering the aftermath of all that, I do think you dodged a bullet with him. You said you told him everything you were having issues with (even if emotional, you still told him, which is good!) and his response was to turn to name calling and vagueposting on Twitter? That does not point to a communication problem on your end.

At the end of the day, I do think it's best to block him and move on. What do you get out of that relationship? I know it's hard to know people are upset with you, but given what you told me I think you both need space from each other.

Best of luck to you anon ❤

[fumingspice]

kiss me hard before you go

Pairing: Billie Dean Howard x Reader

Angst because someone (not naming any names) *cough* @lilypadscoven is too happy to write angst. Such a strange excuse, i know. Like whose even happy anymore? That’s so 2014, Freya.

Warning: Angsty as shit! I think. Idk im usually a happy person. Mentions of cheating, mentions of smut etc. 

Requests are open!

taglist: @sarahp-stan @jumpoffabridge-t @sarahpaulsonsoftie @definitelynot-a-writer @bottom4delia @delias-bitch-craft @creepingwolfberry @thesapphictimelady @goodeday2u @that-fucking-error @saucy-sapphic @sarahp-stan @winters-witch-bitch @rainbow-hedgehog @pearplate​

You frowned to yourself, flicking through the endless posts on Instagram. It was some godforsaken hour in the morning and no matter how hard you tried or how deeply you tried to ease your restless mind you could not fall asleep. You scrolled on social media endlessly. 

God, what time could it even be? 04.27.

You gave a defeated chuckle. Even time was in on the universe’s cruel joke. She exited Instagram and went to messages. You couldn’t count the number of unsent messages and thrown out speeches you had started and couldn’t bring yourself to finish.

Billie Dean Howard.

The contact had found itself hidden deep in the archives of old messages. You hadn’t contacted her since December when you had walked away. 

Walking away was better that being the one left behind, or so you had tried so hard to tell yourself. In hindsight, the truth was that Billie Dean was going to end up leaving you anyway. Was it courage of conviction or just the simple knowledge that you couldn’t live knowing that the only person you had ever opened your heart to was going to leave you?

What was the last thing she said anyway?

Goodnight :(.

Always with those stupid text faces. Those stupid, adorable text faces. How did she have such a powerful effect on you that you could see Billie’s face in a colon and a bracket? Why hadn’t you blocked her yet? What was left to hold onto other than movie-like memories that had slipped away like the changing of seasons.

You slipped from beneath the covers, Your hair tickled Your shoulders. There was no one beside you for you to reach for in your infinite loneliness anyway. It wasn’t infinite. Why did it feel infinite? Why did you allow one person to waltz into your heart and make you home there? You reached for an unopened bottle of wine and paused. Billie had left this bottle there. You never drank unless it was around Billie. 

“Dom Perignon,” Billie told you. You were never interested in the details of fine wine. All you knew was that the older it was the more people liked it.

“Isn’t that expensive?” The brunette asked, reading the label.

 Billie nodded with a throaty chuckle. “Only the best for my girl. I thought I would save it for a special occasion.”

A special occasion. You chuckled in spite. The occasion in question was supposed Billie’s birthday. A party with many guests. One too many. The house was brimming with sets of both of your friends. You could recall reaching for the same wine all too well before being stopped by your friend’s girlfriend. Erin took you by the wrist and guided you out to the garden. 

“No one’s out here,” you protested. Erin’s face was almost forlorn. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

Sorry for what? You snapped out of your confusion. You could see the side of Billie’s body. Pressed against the wall beneath someone else. The anxiety had somehow eased when you watched Billie kiss another, fading into nothing because you knew that there was quite literally nothing that could get even worse than what you were watching.

You pursed her lips. When you imagined these moments, you had always imagined screaming bloody murder. You imagined punching and yelling. You couldn’t move. No tears. Hell, you couldn’t even feel. Erin grabbed your arm and trailed you back, but not before the sight of you, heartbroken in a red dress. had registered in Billie. She barely had time to pull away from her kiss and have the shock of what she was actually doing register. 

It was always a red dress. Red dresses end up in heartbreak. A goddamn blaze in the dark.

Now, you found yourself standing at the window that looked out into the garden. Looking at the spot where you had seen her lover betray every bit of trust that you had. What would have happened if you didn’t see? What if you had seen but Billie didn’t? Would you have said anything? Would Billie have said anything?

It doesn’t matter anyway.

Billie was wine. Aromatic, warm in her stomach. She was a magnificent swirl. She was the impossible to hide stain on your favourite white dress.

Every inch of this house had Billie in its essence. She was inescapable. 

It got even worse when a buzzing noise brought your attention to your phone. “Who the fuck could that be?” you asked yourself. Your heart dropped at the contact.

Billie Dean Howard is calling...

Your world collapsed for a moment as you stared at the phone buzz. Your head told you not to answer, your heart launched for it like a desert oasis. You let it ring a moment too long. You barely managed to blurt out a cracked, “Hello?” when Billie hung up. Presumably giving up.

You bit your lip. Your thumb hovered over the redial button as you fought with yourself. Maybe she’ll call again. That’s a huge maybe. Your finger jolted down unintentionally. Billie picked up on the third ring.

“Y/N?” Her breath hitched. “Y/N, can you hear me?”

You swallowed hard. “I’m here,” you stated flatly, “I can hear you.”

“I didn’t think you’d answer.”

“Honestly,” you replied. You felt no need for warmth. “I don’t think I meant to.”

“Oh. Uhm, how- how are you?”

“What do you want, Billie? It’s five in the morning,” You cut off. You could hear Billie’s breath falter a little.

“To be honest, I just wanted to see if you would pick up.”

You shook your head, cursing how well you knew the medium. “Don’t lie to me, Howard.”

Billie chuckled. “How can you tell?”

“You were the medium, but I was the human lie detector.”

“You’re a lawyer with an Irish mother and Scilian father. It would be more shocking if you weren’t one.”

You smiled, before catching yourself in an eyeroll. “Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m in town. I wanted to see you.”

“It’s five in the fucking morning.”

“You’re telling me that I actually woke you up? You were sleeping when I called?”

You bit your lip. “Yes.”

Billie chuckled again. Like it was a fucking game to her. “Well, now who’s lying?”

“What do you want, Billie?” You scoffed.

“I already told you. I want to see you.”

The audacity of the last sentence. The fact that you knew Billie Dean would come whether or not she was invited boiled your blood.

“Why.” It was more of a flat remark than a genuine question. Why. Why now.

Billie was silent for a moment. “I just want to see your face.”

Your groaned internally, another eyeroll coming into play. You scoffed. “You know the address. Find your own way over.”

And she did. The door knocked almost immediately.

You opened the door so quickly that it creaked aggressively.

“You have some fucking nerve. You know that right?” You snapped. The medium’s eyes widened in shock.

“Nice to see you too.”

You stepped aside and ushered her in, cold from the whipping air. Refreshing if you weren’t standing in shorts and a cardigan.

Billie turned around to face her. Tension grew, like insulation keeping everything in. You could choke on all the words you never said. 

“You look beautiful.”

“Je vais te tuer avec mes mains nues et dormir comme un bébé après.”

“I’m flattered.”

You groaned and walked away from her and into the kitchen. You didn’t know if you would slap her, kill her, or kiss her. You were just as prepared to strangle her as you were to fuck her hard on the kitchen floor then and there, kissing every single freckle and mole on her skin. “You have three minutes,” You muttered, pouring yourself a cup of coffee to stop yourself from looking in Billie’s direction. Your heart raced at a thousand miles a second.

“I just dropped in to say hi.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

You were unamused. “Is that it? Are you going get out of my life again?”

Billie frowned. “Am I? Y/N, you left me.”

“Because you fucking cheated on me, Billie Dean! What? Did you want me to pretend I didn’t see it? Pretend nothing happened? Do you want me to pretend that you didn’t rebuild my ability to trust people just so you could knock it down yourself?” You shouted. The words were coming out thick and fast now apparently.

“I was so drunk, Y/N,” Billie whimpered, her eyebrows furrowed. She was in genuine pain, you could see the guilt right in her brown eyes.

And you couldn’t give a shit.

“I’ve heard this a hundred times.”

“How many times do I have to say sorry for this?”

You raised your mug to your lips. “You can say it until I’m dead.”

You met the medium’s gaze. Brown eyes waterlogged with tears. Billie dipped her face in her hands. “I don’t know if I can go through with this again.”

You snapped again. “Good,” you said. “Because I’m done.”

“You can’t be serious.”

The pair met, closer than you had in months.

“No matter what stupid, thoughtless, selfish, idiotic, drunken things you said or did. No matter how many times. I have never stopped loving you. I’ve never fallen out of love no matter how many times I told myself I had. I haven’t gone to sleep without imaging your goddamn mouth on my lips and hands on my body and I fucking crave to hate you for it,” you spat, venom on you tongue and tears spilled down your face. “I don’t sleep, Billie. I don’t sleep because I know your arms aren’t there to hold me when I’m still awake at four in the morning. Because I can’t reach across the bed no matter how angry I am at you and feel your hair. I fucking love you goddammit. You threw that away. Not me.”

 Tears streamed down Billie’s face. “I regret what I did every. Single. Fucking. Day. I miss coming home and seeing you writing those stupid fucking reports that I know you hate writing because I know you hate your job. I miss seeing your face when you’ve won a case that has been scratching you for weeks,” she inched forward once more, her hands close to Mallorie’s face. “I miss seeing you reorganising the goddamn silverware every few weeks to keep the Fair Folk happy in the same way I miss seeing the way your mouth curls when you come.”

 You scanned Billie Dean, searching despreately for a bluff, something that would give way to the fact that this was all a lie; a gimmick for a one night stand so that you could just shut her out and go back to hating her. Hating the person you love is so much easier than having your heartbroken again. You couldn’t find that bluff. Even your gut-instinct that panged you when someone lied to you wasn’t alerting anything. Billie’s words were as genuine as her tears and it was killing you to see that Billie loved you. The lawyer had hoped- prayed even- that the medium’s words had been bullshit, sweet nothings that could be whispered into the ear of any lover that had fallen into her bed. But you weren’t just a one time fling that had walked into a casual meet. You had walked into her long-term girlfriend with her tongue down another’s throat. You had stashed that little red box with a diamond engagement ring inside even further into the closet that night, and that’s what had hurt you.

A raw truth in her words soaked into you. Refreshed you. They were the words that the ocean screamed back at you when you stood on the cliffside begging for a reason to go on.

And so you gave in. Almost, at least. You stepped forward into Billie and allowed her storm to engulf you. There was no calm here. There was a raging appetite for destruction and creation. What was that lyric? A tornado has met a volcano. Her lips ravaged yours to the point of being rubbed raw, the type of sting that bothered virtually every moment of your waking day, one that went on for days. You bit down on her lips, her tongue, her chin and cheek. Whether in was in spite or the desperation to seek and find every single piece of her that you could was unclear. 

Those fateful memories crept back, and you pushed hard against her chest. Billie’s lips, now red, white and swollen, pressed against yours again, retracting when there was no return.

“I’m sorry,” you lied. “I think there’s a possibility that I don’t love you.”

Billie’s eyes resembled a broken mirror, or maybe the view of a dying star. The thing about dying stars is that they died a very long time ago and you only notice years later. She nodded with a weak smile. “I understand,” she whispered, pressing her head against yours. She picked up her bag and turned to leave.

You stopped her. What on Earth were you doing? Let her leave so you can hate her in peace.

“Kiss me. Before you go,” you pleaded. “Hard.”

Billie shook her head, her face scrunched before throwing her face at you. The force drove you into the counter sending a glorious shock of pain up your back. Billie was doing what you had asked.

“Fuck you,” you pulled away and muttered, as if she had gonr too far in teasing you.

“What did I do?”

You raised your hand and slapped her face, lightly. “Fuck you for proving that I still love you.”

A rush of relief knocked Billie, visibly. She returned to your lips, much more gently this time, as if she were savouring every part of you.

“I told you to kiss me hard,” you whispered, although not necessarily opposed to Billie’s touch.

“I’ll do anything you really want,” she replied.

You paused for a moment. “Anything?”

Billie smiled. “Anything.”

You kissed her once. Soft. Tentatively. “Fuck me. On the table.” 

[nsaint1]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Hey ♡

anyone cursing at you is a MAJOR red flag. A man who cares about you is going to be patient even when he does not want to be. I almost got dragged into a similar situation like this literally last week. Please assess the situation! If a man just got out of a relationship, they are most likely not going to be looking for anyone serious. They are just looking for someone that they can freely use their body (that is what it is). They will try to lie and manipulate you so that you won't say no or get involved and it is too late.

I was going on a rant about this literally two days ago. These grown men act like they can't communicate and say what they want because they want to try to take advantage, it's pathetic and sad. He manipulated you and decided not to be upfront. "Going through stuff" does not give someone the excuse to treat other people like trash and lie. Nonetheless, It happened and now it's time to move on. At least you know that is not what you want for yourself.

To answer your questions no, you are not being selfish, you don't owe him anything, he misused your trust. There is nothing you can really do with moving on from this, just know that time heals, and every day you will start to care less. If I were you I would block him back like yesterday.

[rafecameron]

dancing on my own

request: Angst with no happy ending? How abt *insert actor/character* getting married and their ex (the reader) kinda 'forcing herself' to go to the wedding bc she really wants to see their mutual friends again but like doesn't wanna see the wedding. And reader just watching the love of their live get married and be happy with someone else and their heart silently being ripped apart? Too cruel?

pairing: ex!luke patterson x reader

word count: 2.1K

warnings: heartbreak, no happy ending

a/n: here you go cruel anon. turns out im not that great at heartbreak but hopefully this makes your heart crack a little bit. (also idk if people read authors notes but my requests are currently closed!) 

Y/N thought back on all the times she could have turned around. When she was getting into her car. When she reached the airport. When she queued to board the plane. When she checked into her hotel. When she began to get ready. Now she was facing the very last time she could turn around. Stood outside the venue, all dressed up with no one to walk her inside. But just like the times before, she didn’t turn around, she pushed on. Her heart breaking a little more with each step, she knew that surely by the end of the night there would be nothing left but crumbs. She had promised herself two things before this trip. Number one; she would not speak to him. Number two; she would not cry. She wasn’t entirely sure she would be able to keep either of the promises to herself, but repeating them in her head made her feel that little bit calmer.

She situated herself beside a table lined with drinks, helping herself to a flute of champagne. She was anxious for the doors to be opened so she could find a seat, somewhere in a corner at the back would suit her just fine. Out of sight of anyone who would surely recognise her, she had no intentions of engaging in conversation until the reception. But seeing as what was happening today she should have known it would be her unlucky day.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” a voice speaks beside her and she turns, landing eyes on someone she had not seen for far too long. His suit was tailored perfectly to his body, his long hair tied in a bun at the back of his head. “I wasn’t sure you’d come.” He pulls her into a hug.

“I wasn’t sure I would either,” she admits as she pulls away, “I wasn’t going to, but I wanted to see everyone...most people.”

Willie laughs softly, “I’m glad you’re here, sit beside me?” He asks, motioning with his head towards the doors that were being pulled open.

“Oh, I was just gonna sit in the back,” she stumbles over her words as Willie takes ahold of her hand, “Aren’t you going to sit with Alex?”

“He’s preoccupied.” Willie states simply, ignoring her protests as he pulls her towards the front of the room to take a seat in the front row.

She sighs as she sits down beside him. The sick feeling in her stomach growing as the room slowly became more and more full, people lining up on the benches and getting ready to watch the ceremony.

Willie reaches down and takes ahold of her hand again, giving it a light squeeze and offering a comforting smile, “You don’t have to stay.” He whispers.

“I do.” She nods, “I want to see everyone, I won’t stay all day but I need to at least say hello now I’m here.”

Willie nods his head, squeezing her hand one last time and patting her knees before turning back to face forward, the ceremony would be starting any minute and she found that her eyes were glued to the pattern on the floor.

For the entirety of the ceremony she didn’t look up. She didn’t want to risk meeting his eyes, didn’t want to see her friends sympathetic looks and definitely didn’t want to see the bride looking beautiful in her white dress. She tried her best not to listen, she couldn’t stomach hearing the vows and knew if she heard the words I do in his voice she’d cry. So she thought about anything else but what was happening in front of her.

She finally looked up when the couple was safely past her line of sight, eyes instantly meeting that of an old blonde friend. He gave her a wave, she was sure the smile was supposed to make her feel better but she just felt more pathetic. Why was she even here? She’s sure the invite was out of politeness and not an actual invitation to come. And if her friends were going to be tiptoeing around her and treating her like a porcelain doll she wasn’t sure she could cope. The nicer people were to her about this the more likely it was she would break down.

She didn’t want to think about it, about him, sure she was at his wedding but that didn’t mean this day had to be about him. She wanted to have a catch up with her friends, avoid her ex the whole night and then go back home, cry with a bottle of wine and forget this whole thing ever happened.

“I’m glad you came.” Alex says as he reaches her, pulling her into a hug, “It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, it’s good to see you too.” She responds truthfully, “Can we go to the reception? I think I need a drink already.”

Alex laughs, taking Willies hand in his own and leading the way towards the after party. The amount of people that were there she was sure she would be able to avoid the groom for the night. She found herself situated on a table with her friends, helping herself to a glass of wine and making sure the bottle was kept close to her.

No matter how excited she was to see her friends she found that now she was here she was finding it hard to hold a conversation. The group around her were still familiar with each other, still seeing each other and having things to talk about, she felt a little like a spare part. But still she smiled along and listened to their conversation. Something about a recent party they had attended where Reggie had drank a little too much, she laughed along with them unsure of what else to do. The more they spoke and tried to involve her in the conversation the more she realised she didn’t really know the people around her anymore. Sure she had good memories with them and she would always consider them her friends, but she didn’t really know them.

The best thing about weddings it that you can be invisible if you wanted to be. The bride and groom were always busy, everyone wanting to talk to them and congratulate them, and the drunker the guests got the easier it was to slip away from conversations and merely watch the scenes unfold. Which is exactly what she did. She watched her friends get drunk and progressively louder, not noticing anymore if she wasn’t joining in their conversation. If the night continued this way she was certain she would make it out in one piece.

She thought she was doing a pretty good job of avoiding the one person she feared seeing the most. But halfway through the night a hand landed on her shoulder and a familiar scent filled her nose. She felt her skin ignite where his fingers touched and she begged the butterflies in her stomach to go away, to fly away and disappear forever.

Turning in her seat she finally meets his eyes for the first time that night, forcing a smile onto her face as she stands up and allows him to pull her into a hug. Her heart hammers in her chest and she uses every ounce of will power within her to not shed any tears, she felt the epitome of pathetic. Wanting to cry at a wedding like she was in a bad romcom movie. Only if this were a movie she’d get the guy, or a second guy would come sweep her off her feet and make her forget the first one was ever there. She didn’t see that happening anytime soon.

“Thanks for coming.” Luke smiles, “You look great, that colour really suits you.”

She returns his smile with a tight lipped one of her own, “Thanks, you don’t look too bad yourself.” She attempts a light hearted laugh.

She looked away, she couldn’t stand looking into his eyes any longer, his gaze intense and stirring way too many different emotions inside of her. She wanted him to be horrible to her, to tell her to leave and never come back, not to tell her she looks great. How was she ever supposed to get over him when he was nothing but nice to her all the time. She wished he had done something at the end to allow her to hate him. Cheat on her maybe, or tell her he never loved her, then maybe she’d stand a tiny chance of getting over him and moving on with her life. Instead he was selfish and kept her at arms length because he knew he always could and that should have been enough for her to stay away, but she just couldn’t.

“Congratulations,” she looks back at him, eyes settling just above his to avoid his gaze, “You seem really happy, I wish you all the best.”

“Thanks,” he smiles and it’s genuine, something which breaks her heart a little more.

Of course she wants him to be happy, but a bigger part of her wants him to be happy with her and not anyone else. She knows that’s selfish, but that doesn’t stop her from trying to wish it into existence no matter how futile she knows it is.

“Have you met Jess?” He asks, placing a hand on her shoulder as though about to lead her somewhere.

“Oh, no I haven’t but she looks busy,” she quickly shrugs his hand off, the bride she could see from the corner of her eye, laughing at something another guest had said, “I’ll introduce myself later.” She lies.

The only thing she could think that would be worse than this wedding was having to actually meet the bride. To meet her replacement, the better version. The one who had stolen his heart and been worth enough to keep it forever. She forces a smile and excuses herself to the bathroom.

As she reaches the bathroom she can feel her eyes stinging, shutting herself in a cubicle she fans her face, determined not to let a single tear fall. She had made a promise to herself and the least she could do was keep it. She leant her head back against the door, letting out a shaky breath to compose herself.

Once she was sure she wouldn’t cry she exited the bathroom again, thankful to see that he was no longer at the table she had just ran from. She took her seat and no one asked where she had been or if she was okay, she was glad for that at least.

As the night wore on she thought she was doing okay, one little hiccup but no tears since, she’d even found herself genuinely laughing at a couple points. He’d spoken to her and she hadn’t thrown up on his shoes, he had no reason to try and speak to her again.

But then it was time for the first dance and she felt her chest tightening. Her calm composure being over taken by a sinking feeling of dread. She watched for a minute, watched him hold her close and smile. Watched him lean in to kiss her gently before spinning her under his arm and pulling her back in. She wished more than anything that it was her in his arms, her who he still looked at like the world shone behind her eyes. But it would never be her again, and his bride she was sure was far more beautiful than she could ever hope to be.

She watched as more dancers joined the floor, her friends among them. She tried to smile, but the sight was too much for her. Her friends laughing and dancing with their loved ones while she sat on the side lines and watched feeling like a stranger. The slow music a melancholy soundtrack to her emotions, reminding her of something she could never have.

She stands from the table, dragging her eyes over each person she knew, lingering on Luke for a moment longer before she turned and walked out of the room. She knew that this would be the last time she ever saw him, because she knew seeing him happy with someone else would be a slow form of torture. So she walked away, from him, from her friends forever, leaving whatever little pieces were left of her heart behind. By the time she exited the building she felt nothing more than a hollow shell and she finally let the tears fall.

tags: @lovesanimals @makebank @chrlsgillespie @crybabyddl @marinettepotterandplagg @caitsymichelle13 @kcd15 @kinda-really-lost @alexpjoyner @meangirlsx

[honeyyu]

Sold | Nct - 002

Summary: Cho Miso lives a difficult life, she works full time jobs to take care of her sick mom. One of those jobs being an secretary to the most rich man of seoul. As she tries to take care of everyhing, she goes looking for her dad who had left them for almost 5 years now. Coming into the life of her dad she was caught up by formal parties and events, her dad finally identifying her as his daughter. And before she could even realize, she was bought by a group powerful rich men who called themselves NCT to be their new secretary.

Masterlist

Genre: Smut (+slight angst?) and a little bit fluff

Warnings: None (only one swear word)

Word count: 2.4K

Notes: This chapter doesn’t contain any smut. I try to make this kinda like a real story that why I don’t go straight into the smut. Im sorry!! I think maybe in 2/3 chapters there will be some. Im just trying to introduce the nct members slowly. I hope this isn’t disappointing :/ Last thing, I think its Kims not Kim’s but Kim’s looks cooler idk why lol

The rest of the work day went by faster then I thought. None of the 3 Kim’s found out about the accident luckily. I did tell Tiffany, one of the personal assistants. She is also the one i’m close friends with, the one who gave the flowers I totally ruined. She could only laugh when I told her,” I already made copies of the most of them. So don’t worry about them finding out. I will email you the copies and you can retype the ones who aren’t there!” I couldn’t tell her how grateful I was. The most I could do for now was give her a big hug.

It was already passed workhours for me but at home I didn’t have access to a laptop or computer so I had to finish everything here. In the email Tiffany send me most of the papers were there, I mean the copies. I went through the now dried papers and got rid of the ones Tifanny copied. Now there were around twenty papers left for me to retype, and copy immediately before something would happen again.

All of the papers were about interviews or letters who needed to be send to other important companies. Before starting I looked at the clock on the wall behind Tiffany’s desk, who was out to get coffee for our bosses. The other two were busy moving from meeting to meeting together with the two other Kim’s.

The time on the clock was 4 pm. My mind wandered off for a second, thinking about what kind of food I should buy for dinner tonight. This job made me earn a fair amount of money. But most of it went to the debts we had to pay. And the hospital bills for my mom. This week she would stay with me until I had enough money to buy the hospital bills again.

“Ah I should really work on those papers.” I snapped myself back to reality upon seeing the papers I had to write before 6 because I would always have dinner at 6 with my mom but I didn’t know if I would make it this time. I was hoping on finishing a little before 6 so I could do some grocery shopping on my way home. As those thoughts ran through my mind I started working.

—

My eyes stayed focused on the screen as I was busy writing the last words of the letter. A loud sigh left my mouth when I grabbed the paper off the desk. Again, it was a letter. “From Mr. Kim To Mr Ch-“ I immediately stopped my sentence seeing the name on the paper. Mr Cho. It could be another man but I couldn’t let this go so easily. Was there an adress on it?

“Yes!” I jumped out of my chair with the paper in my hand. It would be unprofessional to ran out of the building and go to the adress. Not to forget I could lose my job if I did that. Only two papers to finish. With that mindset I typed the last papers in not more than 20 minutes.

My hands moved faster than normal. Computer off, papers in bag, chair under my desk, jacket on and card out. I didn’t have to tell anyone I was going. The 3 Kim’s couldn’t care more and Tifanny plus the other two girls were not at the office anymore.

The elevator was slower than usual. Or it was slower because I was excited to maybe find my dad again after five years. I didn’t really know the reason behind my excitement. He was the one who left us and he’s the source of our problems. Maybe I thought that if I would tell him how everything is with mom and me he would feel quilty and help us. Or maybe I just wanted answers to questions I had since the day he left us. And I knew that a small part of me wanted his money. I was embarrassed that I had these kind of thoughts but the money I wanted wouldn’t be for me, but for my mom. Every day she woke up she would look closer to death. Not that money was gonna fix the fact that she was ill or not but he could at least pay the hospital bills.

While making my way outside I looked up the adress on my phone. I was hoping badly that it wasn’t going to be a long route. My feet already gave up by seeing how long the walk was. At least one hour it said. Well if i walk my own speed it will be around forty minutes but still way too long for me to walk in heels. Only two decisions I could make. One, go home to change shoes, forget about dinner and just walk there or get a taxi. Option two it is then because I really didn’t have the time to walk.

Lucky for me a taxi just pulled to the side to let someone out of the car. Taking my chance I speed walked towards it. I was about to grab the doors handle but another hand reached for it faster. It was a young man. “Excuse me,” He muttered to me.

“Sorry sir, I was about to get into the taxi actually.” I politely said, trying not to make a scene. He blankly looked me in the eyes,” I never take a taxi so it’s really important. Now if you will excuse me, I have more urgent things to do then chit chat.” A breath came out of my mouth, sounding like a scoff. I didn’t mean to do that but he was being selfish. Like I had nothing better to do then talk to him,” Well I have something urgent to do too.” I replied but he already stepped into the vehicle.

“We can share!” He looked at me unamused. It didn’t look like he would consider sharing so I looked around for another orange car. To my suprise he left the door open and shuffled to the left to make space for me. I made a ninety degrees bow to thank him before stepping in. “Thank you. My name is Cho Miso.” I thanked him once again. The reason why I introduced myself was also a question to me. Maybe I was trying to be social. He looked at me once I introduced myself. His lips parted like he wanted to say something but he closed them again and looked outside.

Feeling a little hit awkward I gave the taxi driver the adress by showing letter.” You work there?” He asked me while typing the adress into the device,” Not really. I have to talk to the CEO of the building.” His eyebrows furrowed. That must’ve sounded really weird. “Ah, I mean I have a meeting. I work in that building,” I explained him while pointing to the building right outside the window. He nodded and asked the man next to me where he was heading. “The NCT building.” Both heads of me and the driver turned to stare at him in shock. Did he work there?

“Now you say it. I saw you on the news today! You are Kim Dongyoung!” Kim Dongyoung? Is he one of the CEO’s? Now that the driver said that, he was wearing a very expensive suit I recognized from the other CEO’s I often see in the building. I could never really understand people who paid so much for a pair of cothing but if you have the money I guess.

I missed the reaction of the man next to me but the driver started driving. He probably just nodded or ignored like how he did with me. My eyes somehow stayed glued to him. He had black hair, by what I could see long legs, beautiful brown eyes, nice lips. By the last thought I shook my head and whipped my head away from him. God what has gotten into me.

All I did for the rest of the ride was look outside the window, too embarrassed to even look at him. He also, was staring outside. Slowly the car came to halt. That wasn’t a long ride at all. Expected since its a car of course. I laughed a little by my own thoughts but quickly stopped when I saw Kim Dongyoung looking at me.

“Here is your stop miss.” I opened the door saying thank you at the same time. About to walk away I stopped myself, I have to pay. The device showed the amount of won I had to pay so I gave the man half of the bills I had in my wallet, hoping it was enough because I had to get a ride home too. “Have a nice meeting!” He flashed me a smile. I happily smiled back and pushed the door closed. Fortunately I saved myself some drama for later.

A loud sigh left my mouth as I looked at the big building infront of me. How do I even get in without getting stopped by the security. Taking a big risk I walked in. I was wearing office clothing so that was a good thing but I didn’t have an card to access. How was I gonna do this?

As aspected a muscular man stopped me,” You can’t go in miss” Quick think of something Miso! Thats right, I had the letter that had to be delivered here,” I have a meeting with Mr Cho? The letter with all of the information didn’t arrive in time so I came here personally to explain it.” I explained trying not to stutter too much and stretched out my arm with the paper in it so he could see. His eyes went over the paper. He nodded, believing my lie. Then he stepped backwards for me to enter, at the same time bowing.

I bowed back automatically and made my way to the elevator. It looked similar to the ones we had in our building. Made from glass and the floor of gold making it look chic and luxury. If this was my dads company he was very rich. While waiting for the elevator to arrive I thought about how he would look. What do I say. Should I introduce myself or hug him? Nah, he definitely know its me when he sees me so no need to introduce.

Ding! The elevator behind me made a sound, signaling it was open. I nearly ran into it, eager to meet my dad if this was his building. The glass elevator was filled with people in suit, golden watches and expensive bags. I felt a little out of place but that wasn’t important right now. Not sure what floor I had to stop at I waited till I reached the top of the building. Most of the time the important people like the CEO were on the top floor.

And I was right. When I reached top floor it looked alsmost exactly like the floor I worked at in the 3 Kim’s building. A receptionist, waiting room, conference rooms and the CEO’s office I could see way back behind everything with the name Mr Cho on a again golden name plate attached in the door. After examining I walked up to the girl behind the reception.

“Good evening, I have something to discuss with Mr Cho?” I couldn’t tell her I had a meeting because she could search it up on her computer and I would get send away. “Im sorry miss but Mr Cho is in a meeting at the moment. Would you like to wait?” Oh a meeting? Meeting always take a long time but if I had the luck that it was indeed my dad I was gonna meet then it wouldn’t hurt for me to wait a little while. “Yes I will wait, thank you.” With that I walked up to the seats where you were supposed to wait.

—

I’ve been here, waiting, for almost thirty minutes now and I was losing my patient. I was even so close to losing it that I wanted to walk into that conference room and yell at him for being so slow. Of course I couldn’t do that so my only option was waiting.

Tired of sitting in a chair for the whole time, I got up to get something to drink. When I arrived here I saw a water tap almost next to the CEO’s office.

Filling my cup, I looked around once again. The office walls of Mr Cho were from glass making it easy for me to take a glance of it. There wasn’t much interesting though. His desk was placed by the wall on the left. Infront of the desk a couple couches with a coffee table in the middle. Just like regular CEO offices that I’ve seen in my life.

But something catched my eye. There were three framed pictures on his desk, facing the couches. I couldn’t see them clearly so I walked a couple steps closer to the office.

The cup almost fell out of my hand. It was my dad on the pictures but not only him. Next to him there was a woman, around my moms age maybe younger and two kids, one boy and one girl who looked atleast five years younger than me. This was his new family. Otherwise he wouldn’t have three pictures with them on his desk.

I couldn’t accept the fact that he moved on from his first family. Harshly I threw the cup of water into the garbage can nearby me and I left the building with my hands clenced into a fist. Tears threatened to fall but he wasn’t worth it. He was living a perfect life with a perfect new family and money enough to take care of thousands people like my mom and me. He was so fucking selfish!

I took a taxi back to my house. The whole ride I looked outside the window with a furious expression. Probably making the driver uncomfortable because he turned up the radio so it wouldn’t be all silence. Arriving at the house I gave him the rest of the money I had in my wallet and he drove off after.

Grabbing my keys to enter the house my phone rang. The number on the screen didn’t ring any bell but I still anwered thinking that it maybe was someone from work who needed me.“Hello?” I asked into the phone, waiting for an answer on the other side.

“I heard you’ve been looking for me.”

<- Previous | Next ->

[vagarius]

misukazu 21

(if you saw me fuck up the other one no you didnt)

EDIT I THINK THIS ONE GOT A LITTLE FUCKED UP TOO BUT IT’S... READABLE...

questions from this post, and answers originally written for this thread!!

If you had to change the pairing’s very first meeting, how would you change it?    their canon first meeting is already so good SHDGFLJASHG but if i had to choose a different one that's still within the context of mankai... meeting as kids and losing touch and coming back together completely different at mankai

What song fits your pairing the most?    uhhHHhhHHH i don't have a real answer but i do have a partial playlist for one of my misukazu aus and the only two songs in it are furaregai girl by sayuri and champagne's for celebrating by mayday parade and i feel like that says enough sldhgalsdhfalsh

What is your favorite AU/prompt idea/trope for your pairing?     ALL MISUKAZU AUS ARE GOOD but. i really love any au where their first meeting is in the future and both are still kind of lost but they're Older and it's hard to let themselves fall into the easy trust they find in canon. i just think that'd be neat.

Do you prefer canon ideas or do you have your own headcanons for them?     I'VE SAID THIS MANY TIMES BUT CANON MISUKAZU GIVES OFF MADE FOR EACH OTHER VIBES AND USUALLY I DON'T VIBE WITH THAT BUT THEY REALLY ARE WHAT THE OTHER NEEDS... AND I THINK EVEN IF THEY HAD TO PART THEY'D STILL BE ABLE TO BE BETTER PEOPLE BC THEY HAD MET

Favorite canon moment of them?     THERE ARE SO MANY but the one that immediately comes to mind is misumi carrying drunk kazu to bed (latest bday line) because drunk kazu is so soft and it implies that misumi wanted to wish happy birthday to kazu pretty late... what did he want to give him...

Least favorite canon moment of them?     hmm... there's not really one i can think of??? IM SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY I LOVE ALL THEIR CANON MOMENTS

Favorite headcanon trope/idea? (Your own or someone else’s)    this is somehow both vague and very specific but i think misukazu gives off this vibe: He's beautiful. I can't tell him. or "Kazu is always beautiful~" Don't call me that, Kazu thinks. I'm not. so... insecurities i guess ????? AJSHAJJD

Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics?     THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SO CHEESY but i love how /real/ they allow themselves to be around each other. misukazu at their best is when one thinks "you're you. and i love that you" and the other knows this. i just. THEY VALIDATE THE OTHER SO MUCH CRIES

Least favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics? (Can be headcannon)     this isn't a "least fav" so much as "it makes me sad" but if either of them showed any sign of not being interested anymore the other is more likely to give up then push anything. sort of like "it was bound to happen, so i'll enjoy now until they drop me" or EVEN WORSE they think the other would be better off without them and pushes them away. so yeah the fact i can see one of these happening makes me sad.

If they aren’t a canon pairing, how would you get them together?     they give off "everyone knows we're dating but us" energy but at the same time i feel like they'd acknowledge there's something and just not define it bc a) they don't need to (misumi) or b) they're too nervous to (kazu). in other words i think one day they are holding hands and misumi says "kazu? is this dating?" and kazu holds his breath before asking "do you want it to be?"

If you had to take them and plunk them into another fandom, what fandom would that be? Why?     i think theyd be hilarious in any sports animanga (kazu is manager tho bc noodle arms but maybe they bond when misumi walks him through some of his usual training menu one night - ahem. anyway) BUT ALSO horimiya au...

How hard is it write/draw your pairing? Scale of 1-10.     AJDHAJDHSF I REALLY LOVE THEM SO IT COMES PRETTY EASILY... but sometimes you try to put them in tropes and realize they would Just Not Work Like That. idk where i'm going with this. but yeah. anyway 3 for sankaku.

Is there a pairing that you think rivals them?     in terms of what i ship, i tend to ship kazu and misumi individually with a lot of dif charas AJDHAKD. but in terms of like... in-universe "rival" pairings: kazu side: tsuzukazu (maybe, lbr it would take them 273924 yrs to actually get together), kazu x someone from winter (i... have my reasons but they'd take longer than what this answer entails) misumi side: ... surprisingly none that i can think of ahdjahd

Which character of the pairing do you like more? (Would you ever pair yourself with them?)     you know that tweet that's like "sometimes a ship is just your two favs"? yeah that's misukazu for me. but if i had to choose... misumi AJDHAJHDSF I HONESTLY WASNT THAT INTO YUME UNTIL THESE TWO CAME AROUND (NOT COUNTING 707)... but yeah if they wanted to hold me in their arms i wouldn't oppose

Which character of your pairing would be the one to break up with the other? Why?     OOOOOH BOY well. i think it could be either of them. i don't think they'd break up for lack of love but too much love and wanting the other to be happy and thinking that the only way to give them that is to let them go. so i guess the question is which of them would be more likely to be selfish and hold on. thinking this way, i think misumi would be more likely to break-up, bc kazu has lots of friends who are better than him!! and misumi is more ready to leave if he thinks he needs to than kazu is. now im sad.

Are they relatable as characters or as a pairing?     THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED KAZU KIN... in all seriousness kazu's struggles with speaking out and (shinobi spoilers) his uncertainty over his future hit real close to home... while i don't relate as much as misumi, his struggles always manage to tear my heart into pieces... ((oversharing alert) i guess what really separates me from misumi is his struggle with his desire to connect with family who has treated him poorly... whereas im more "lol fuck you") tldr i relate to kazu slightly more LOL

Did you once/ever dislike one/both of them?     i never disliked them but i was NOT expecting either of them to shoot up so quickly into my favs list ahdjahdjf. also i started shipping them Immediately After reading summer main story so there's that

On an estimate, how many posts have you made about them?    as of september 28th 2020 i make up 11/78 fics on ao3 in the romantic misukazu tag and 2/12 in the platonic one. i may have brainrot.

What made you decide to ship them?     TBH I FINISHED THE MAIN STORY AND WENT "OH MY GOD... THAT'S MY SHIP" but now that i'm here i continue to ship them because they have the potential to bring out both the best and the worst in each other and i'm all about that

Favorite genre for them? (Angst, fluff, etc.)     angst. i just. angst hurt/comfort all the way. im so sorry babies.

lol you thought there would just be 21 ANYWAY EXTRA 1: how do they spend breaks/vacation?    they'd travel a lot when they're older!! kazunari loves to travel and misumi would follow kazunari anywhere (also, new triangles!!) so they go somewhere new whenever they have the time. however i think eventually one or both of their future careers will take them anywhere and everywhere anyway, so their "ideal vacation" might turn into an evening in, cuddling and catching up (as if they didn't already send play-by-play updates over the phone of whatever they did during the day)

EXTRA 2: first date?     i don't they ever have an explicit first date, but if asked they'll cite the time they had a picnic in the park turned triangle hunt turned accidental dip in the duck pond. at least, kazunari will. misumi just tilts his head and wonders what you mean.

EXTRA 3: gifts?     IM FEELING REALLY CHEESY SO I'M MAKING THIS ABOUT ANNIVERSARY GIFTS they both end up getting each other jewelry (although kazu was really really nervous bc he wasn't sure if misumi would wear it). kazu gets misumi a bracelet (with triangles, of course although misumi only wears it sometimes because he doesn't want to lose it) and misumi gets kazu a pair of triangle earrings "so we can match!" and kazunari combusts at the implications

EXTRA 4: sharing clothes     THEY'RE ACTUALLY AROUND THE SAME SIZE (and tend to wear baggier stuff barring kazu's skinny jeans)... but they have completely different Styles so it's still really obvious when steal each other's stuff ahdjajdkaf. as cute as kazu would look in sumi's sweatshirt i think the much more likely scenario is kazu wrapping misumi in his jackets because this boy nEVER BRINGS HIS ANYWHERE anyway just. accidental shared wardrobe misukazu.

EXTRA 5: lake house au    consider: kazunari living in a house on the shore of a lake for a summer for Art Purposes (and a little bit for Dealing With Life purposes but he's not gonna admit that) and meets his lake neighbor misumi who kazu thinks might be a ghost or spirit for a while but he actually just lives further down the lake and misumi unknowingly helps kazu with his Life Issues and maybe they fall in love

[alienbrainwave]

7, 9, 22

thank you so much for sending these!!!! my answers are pretty long but i really appreciate you giving me the opportunity to ramble!!!

7)  was misa just as guilty as light?

yes, of course she is. i cant imagine anyone saying she isnt, but i would love to hear that argument. I can imagine they would say shes not as guilty because she was being manipulated by Light, which would be a valid point if not for the fact that she killed people before she met Light in order to get his attention, and willingly said she would be his eyes without being prompted, pressured, or coerced. she knew what she was getting into, told light she wanted him to use her, and she definitely knows right from wrong. i dont think she was ignorant to any part of the whole thing, shes a lot smarter than she lets on with her childish behavior. i think she knew everytime light was “manipulating” her, its not that she didnt realize, its that she didnt care. so i wouldnt even call that manipulating her because i think she was fully aware of that aspect.  

9)  what would you do with a death note?

honestly? ok so. this is really boring but i dont think i would use it. because its not my place to decide if someone lives or dies. But even if you want to say that im only saying it because its the morally correct answer (like light said in the beginning), then here is a more selfish reason. I would read the “any human who uses the death note will not go to heaven or hell” rule and be like “nope”. Im not a religious person at all so i dont believe in heaven or hell in THIS universe, but that kind of confirms in the universe in which a death note exists, that heaven and hell ALSO exist. Im already terrified of the great nothing after death so if i knew heaven and hell existed for sure i would not even chance it. Also like that once post said about writing the names of the 100 wealthiest people in the world in the notebook... yeah i thought about that but im like.... how would that help? what would happen to their money if they were to keel over? would probably go to people they know/ are related to and just make another wealthiest 100. I mean i thought maybe about manipulating their actions pre death so they donate all their money to charities etc etc but theres the one rule where you cannot make a person do something that they wouldnt feasibly do/ know on their own. so i dont think it would work. 

22)  which moment was the most painful to watch?

OK bear with me. Lights death. I will preface this by saying Light is my favorite character BUT. Not in the way of like, thinking he was right or that he shouldnt have died etc etc. Light was irredeemably evil once he got possession of the notebook.... but seeing the scene where he walks past his younger self, and then when he finally dies.... oof. I cried. Thinking about how he was only 23/24, thinking about how IM 23/24 so its not like.... like when i watched death note when i was younger light seemed like an adult. but now that im his age (older than him when he first got the note) its like. he was a kid. i couldnt help but think that like..... yes.... light made his own bed, he chose to do everything that led to this... but also without the death note he was just 17 year old. and we see in the yotsuba arc when he didnt have memories that he was a pretty good kid. I couldnt help but feel like.... ryuk ruined his life by dropping the death note out of boredom. AGAIN i know its lights own fault because he didnt have to act the way he did, but i think that absolute power corrupts absolutely. IDK. he was just an idealistic 17 year old. what he did was wrong, and seeing him face consequences for his actions was good.... but i couldnt imagine what he could have done with his life if the death note hadnt gone to him.

[camistired]

the peculiar one

chp. 1 // an emotional beginning

not edited

december 31, 2018

word count: 2671

song: alice by avril lavigne

—

On this particular humid summer day, I find myself asking the same question I always ask myself when I know it's not going to go anywhere good.

‘Why am I here?’

Four simple words that I usually used as an excuse to not move from under my comforter. Four simple words that I used to stay in room and read a couple of my mom's old journal entries. Four simple words that don't mean anything simple.

But today, they weren't going to do much and change my plans.

For the entire summer after I learned that I was able to attend public school again, I've been trying to work on getting a better habit of actually doing things and not being locked in my room. And today was no exception.

I lazily raise my head from the pillow and begrudgingly climb out of bed. I grab my towel off of my chair before trudging into my bathroom. I quickly strip from my sweats, baggy shirt, and undergarments before hopping into the warm water of the shower.

I don't know what I was going to do today. I knew that both Lila and Mar were going to be busy at work and the only person home was going to be Dannie, who usually minded his own business.

With a silent, frustrated sigh I began wash myself with body wash that was scented to smell like cherry blossoms. I don't know how or why I was attracted to the smell but I didn't do much questioning of it.

I stuck my head under the water, letting my purplish tinted silver hair get drenched with the pellets of the warm water. I wipe the water from my eyes, contemplating on whether to wash my hair or not. Deciding against it, I turned the water off and climb out into the bathroom. I wrap myself in my towel before walking back into the main part of my room.

I walk over to my dresser before pulling out a thin black and white plaid shirt, black jean shorts, and a grayish blue t-shirt. I started getting dress as I hum softly under my breath. I was slipping on my plaid shirt as three quick raps were heard at the door. I move to open the door to see Daniel, his face pale from the blood that drained his face.

“What's wrong, Danny?” I ask, slightly concerned for my brother. He quickly hands me his phone before running into his room, probably to get something.

I look down at the phone in my hands and look at the messages between him and Lila;

From Lila: hey, is Alex up? I've been texting but I'm not getting anything.

From Daniel: she's in the shower, why?

From Lila: it's about dad. his brain activity is working alarmingly unusual

they don't know if something is seriously wrong or if he's waking up

From Lila: hold on, let me call you

My breath hitches as I read the conversation. I quickly slip on a pair of high tops and practically ran down the stairs. Daniel was waiting patiently by the door ready to go.

I handed him back his phone as I turn to open the door only to be greeted with the face that I feel like is always judging me.

“Alice..! What a surprise... What're you doing here?” I force out in a cheerful tone. I never had much family that was around, and I should be greatful for Alice being here, but I feel like the person I read about and the person I see almost everyday is two different people.

“Lillian called and told me about Michael, so I'm here to take you guys to the hospital.” Her tone was strict and left no room to say no, but there was a certain tenderness behind it that would be hard to notice if you were anyone else.

I sigh, knowing I couldn't argue much with the woman in front of me, “Alright, come on let's go.”

She has a small victorious smile on her face as she moves towards the car.

I sigh and look at Daniel who just shrugs and skips towards the car. I roll my eyes and close the door behind me and locking it before getting into the back of Alice's car, seeing as Betty was sitting patiently and bored in the front seat. The engine roared as she switched the gearshift to drive and pulled out the driveway.

As we drew closer to the hospital the knot in my stomach tightened and my breathing sped up into quiet tiny pants. I look out the window to, hopefully, calm my nerves. And, unfortunately, the silence in the car isn't helping one bit. I silently prayed for someone to say something before we get there, but something tells me it isn't going to happen anytime soon.

I felt a small pat on my leg and I look up to see Daniel looking at me with some sort of assurance. I smile softly at him and I rub his shoulder to try and reassure him that I'm okay, but I can tell it does little to nothing to comfort him.

I felt my phone vibrated in my pocket and I pull it out to see it was from Jughead. My nerves calm down a little, but not much. I open the text from my best friend;

From Juggy: hey are you not at home?

no one's opening the door and it's

locked

From Lexi: wowow you show up my

house without notice? and think

you can casually waltz into it like

you own the place?

From Juggy: yea, cause i know you

don't care

From Lexi: what if i was in the shower, eh?

From Juggy: didn't your mom used to make us take baths together when we younger?

From Lexi: we were two and we dragged mud throughout the house. she didn't care at that point

From Lexi: plus we're OLDER now. we might as well be dating if you walked in on me showering

From Juggy: uh-huh

From Juggy: you know you love me

From Lexi: sure

From Lexi: omg, im going to die

From Juggy: im missing the picture here, you're going to die from what?

From Lexi: i can't tell. it's either this thick awkward tension or my anxiety

From Juggy: im still very confused

From Lexi: im on my way to the hospital but im stuck in a car with Danny, Betty, and Alice

From Juggy: alright, i'll meet you there

From Lexi: huh?

From Juggy: idk why you're heading to the hospital, but your stuck in a car with two people you don't know if they hate you or not, so that tells me that it is important

by itself alone

From Juggy: so, i'll meet you at the

hospital

From Juggy: don't know when i'll get there, so good luck until then

The car takes a sharp turn into a free parking spot and before the car jerks to a complete stop, I already had my seat belt off and was sprinting out of car and into the building. I stop myself from going into the room and stop at the receptionist.

“Hi, I'm just double checking, but Michael Nelson is still in room 22-C, correct?” I ask as she checked on her computer for the correct room number.

She nods and looks at me, “Yes he is, miss. Go right ahead.”

“Thank you so much, have a good day.” I rush out before heading down the corridor to the right room that I've been in so many times. I stop at the door and I contemplate going inside for a moment. My hand subconsciously raises up and grasp the door knob before I can even think about what was happening. It was at that moment, I knew I didn't need to think much longer.

I twisted my wrist until I hear the door make a soft 'click'. I pushed the door open and took in the sight in front of me. Lila was sitting at the end of the bed uncomfortable looking bed, her words falling silent in my ears as she talks to the man laying down, who was being covered by a curtain in the room.

I walk in the bland room, the door closing softly behind me. I stalk towards the bed to be greeted with a pair of pale eyes that I'm so used to be closed. My breath gets caught in the back my throat as a small gasp echos through the seemingly empty room. His eyes lock with mine and in a blur of a second, my arms are wrapped around the males neck and quiet whimpers fall from my lips as small tears fall from my eyes.

The feeling of his arms wrapping around my waist to return the embrace made me completely lose it; crocodile tears, full on sobbing, and clinging on to him tighter - scared that the moment I loosen the hold I have on him, he'll leave me again.

I hear the sound of swift footsteps entering the room through my crying as I let out all of my emotions on this one man that I thought I had lost for the rest of my life. The feel the bed shift and more footsteps before the door closes. I'm suddenly pulled closer and I'm, now, laying on the fragile man you seems to not even give a care in the world that I'm laying on him.

For a moment, I felt like the little girl who laid on her dad all those years ago;

“Daddy..?” I coughed out as the toxic smoke filed out of the exploded glass from our previously beloved family home. A younger Daniel laid on the grass, silently asleep and unhurt. My dad had a cut on his temple and was breathing heavily yet very, very slowly.

I laid my had on his chest hearing his faint heartbeat. I prayed silently that he'd wrap his arms around me. Even with his skin basically burned from the fire, he seemed cold as ice. And I did the only thing I knew to do at the time.

I screamed for my dad. But he was to far gone to reply.

I don't even know how long even been laying there, but I've eventually stopped crying and he started running his fingers through my hair. I felt comfortable when I heard the door open and close. I realized that I was probably being selfish and slowly got off of him, wiping my eyes. I look up to see that Daniel and Lila had walked in.

They look at me and smile genuinely at me. Lila looks down over Daniel and ushers him towards dad. He walks over to him and hugs his torso. I stare at the fourteen year old as the tension slowly eases from his shoulders. I didn't even realize that my sister was standing next to me until she wrapped her arm around my shoulders, making me jump a little.

She chuckles softly and looks at me, “Jughead is waiting out in the hall with the Cooper girls. Want me to let him in?”

I stifle my laugh at the thought of poor Jughead standing in the hall with Alice and Betty. Okay maybe being with Betty, not so bad, but Alice is pretty bad. I nod at her as she let's her arm fall and goes to get Jug.

I shrug my bag off my shoulders and open it and see the worn journal sitting in there from the last time I went out to Sweetwater River. I pull it out and examine the torn leather. I look up and to see Daniel talking to dad about whatever, but the look on both of their faces made me smile softly. I see a mop of midnight hair under a familiar beanie in my peripheral vision, making me smile a little.

I turn towards him and I feel a bit more relaxed, especially knowing that he's here to help even when I don't need to ask. A part of me even felt giddy that he decided to come here instead of go to Pop's or something. Maybe it's just the relief that he came here without me even saying anything or even asking.

Maybe.

He wraps an arm around me in a side hug, which threw me off slightly but I returned the hug regardless. It was comforting to know that he was still by my side especially since we've known each other's practically since birth and he hasn't gotten sick of me yet.

Dad looked up and greeted Jug with a smile. My best friend returned the gesture before sitting in a chair on the side of the room were on. Soon we caught him up on everything.

His face fell solemn after we've informed him that mom was still missing and that the sheriff's office said they needed to step away from the case. It was still open – barely – and if they found new information, it would be added to it. However, they said that years ago. If they, or anyone, doesn't find anything soon, I'm sure they are going to close the case and it'll be an unsolved mystery.

Suddenly Lila's phone started ringing. She looked at the screen and smiled softly before answering it, bringing the speaker to her ear.

“Hey, babe. How's everything at the shop go-? What?” I watch her movements as she went from happy and calm to concerned and frigid, “Mar-Marlene! Slow down, I can't understand you.”

She turned towards me and Jug before turning forward again, “Okay, okay... I don't think I can go down there right now, I'm here with dad. How about I send Jughead and Alexandria there instead, will that be okay? .....Alright. I love you. Bye.”

I look at Jug and he shrugs, just as confused as I was. Lila hung up and turned towards us, “Something happened down at Sweetwater River. I hate asking you two to go, but I have to finish up here, then help Danny to get back home and go back to the shop– it's just a mess right now and I need someone down there with Mar.”

She ran her hand through her dark colored hair as she avoided looking at the males behind her. The worried line creased in her face made me sigh softly before nodding to ease her mind a little.

“Yeah we can go.” I can see the relief wash ovee her as I stand up and shrug my bag back over my shoulder as Juggy does the same. She engulfs me in a tight hug, mumbling ‘thank you’ to me before letting me go.

I walk out of the room with the raven haired boy after saying ‘bye’ to dad and Dan. Not realizing that after I left the room that mom's journal fell out of my bag onto the floor of dad's hospital room.

As we trudged towards Sweetwater River, the sound of sirens in the distance made me start to worry with each step we took towards the river I've began to love to find quiet. As we approach, we scan over the people which seemed to be the whole town.

I find Marlene, who is hyperventilating away from the crowd. I tighten my grip on my bag and jog towards her, not really caring if Jug followed me or not. I place my hand on her shoulder and she flinches, whipping her head towards me before she physically relaxes.

“Mar, what is going on?” I ask softly, removing my hand from her shoulder as the runs her hand through her hair.

“It's the Blossom's. Something's happened to Jason.”

And it was at this moment, that I swore that history may have just repeated itself.

[fairycosmos]

hi chloe idk if youll see this but i only have a year left until college and i live in an abusive household. no one understands me and my mom and dad especially don't. my older sister doesnt seem to hold the patience to listen to whenever i do try and call her once annually. i dont know how much longer i can hold on. it literally hurts my mind so much thinking about all of it, especially after abusive episodes from them. im scared to live alone but i just cant wait to

gosh im so sorry to hear that love :( while i’m proud of you for making it this far and for being able to talk about it with me, it’s really awful that you’ve had to deal with it for so long, and that it’s happening to you in the first place. especially during your adolescence, which is a time when we’re all super impressionable. a time when we all feel like nothing is ever going to change. and i can definitely relate to nobody even taking the time to understand you, and to feeling like you’re being overlooked or forgotten. when we experience something like this our brains often to try to make sense of the actions of those around us by turning towards self blame, and internalizing all the negativity + manipulating it into self hatred. but i think its important to remember that you are not responsible for what others do, in this context. how they choose to treat you is not a reflection of you or of what you deserve, alright? your sister’s selfishness is a trait of her own. your parent’s anger is a result of their lack of control and self regulation. none of this is on you. it may be hard to truly believe that in this moment, but nonetheless i think it’s a sentiment you should try to keep close to your heart. it’s not your fault that you have been failed by the people who were supposed to protect you, and it doesn’t mean that any future bonds you form will turn out the same way. it’s normal to want to give up at times, but you must know that there’s a difference between temporarily feeling that way and actually acting on it in a very permanent way. i said this another anon the other day, but i mean it just as much: you have so much waiting for you. and you didn’t survive all of that for nothing. once you’re in college and you have autonomy over your own life, once you get to choose how much time you spend with your parents and how much you let them in - all of the pain and toxic beliefs you’ve built your world view around will begin to slowly dissipate. and that may be a life long process, but it’s supposed to be. you have all of the time in the world to build your own existence and to heal from what’s happened to you. there are so many different tools to utilize, paths to walk down and people to meet who will show you what it’s like to be truly loved. including yourself, the person you will grow into. if you just give yourself the chance. i know it’s not that much comfort in this moment because you still have to deal with your parents and their bullshit, but it’s good to consciously remind yourself of all the good that is out there. when you’re an anxious and hurt person, it’s common to suffer from a sense of impending doom or failure, but the reality of it will be so much more of a calm, gradual process than you realize.

that being said, i’m quite worried that you’re still in this situation and that your parents are just okay with periodically putting you through ‘episodes’. it’s NOT okay. and you have every right to process hurt, anger, bitterness, sadness, numbness because of it. while it may be painful, there is no shame in crying or in feeling whatever you need to feel. it’s a normal human response to such emotional turmoil, so try to go easy on yourself honey. you’re doing what you can with what you’ve been given. however, it’s important to understand that the presence of these negative emotions is never an excuse to harm yourself or worse. i understand that it’s extremely overwhelming, and that it may sometimes feel beyond your control. but even just attempting to put some positive coping mechanisms in place may make all the difference, even if they don’t work every single time. this can be anything from creating a safe space for yourself (in your room, or could be somewhere outside like the park or a library) to researching breathing techniques and self affirmations, to journaling or venting to your friends, to meditation to finding a comfort hobby/show to simply lying in bed and sobbing the feelings out and then going to sleep, maybe practicing some self care. every small effort counts, even if it feels like the dumbest thing in the world. if you keep it up on a semi consistent basis, you will notice a shift eventually. it’s possible to hurt and grow at the same time. i also think it could be a good idea to consider reaching out to someone about this - perhaps a school counselor, or a mental health hotline, or a support group in your area. maybe make an appointment with your doctor to see if they can recommend any resources, if possible? whatever works for you. i just really think it’s important that you understand on a very fundamental level that you have every right to talk about what’s going on, and that there are so many ppl out there who understand. who have even been through the same thing, and survived after it and thrived. i know this is one of those suggestions that feels very scary and like you just can’t do it, but if there’s any service available to you i’d really recommend utilizing it, or at least not ignoring the option all together. having someone you can be honest with and who can enable you to develop some self esteem, plus some added perspective so you don’t feel as ‘trapped’, will really make it all feel a little less heavy. consistent therapy/counseling will show you how to unlearn all of the mental habits you’ve developed over the years due to the treatment you’ve endured, and you deserve that relief. i get that it all feels like a lot of effort, and i’m not saying that doing this stuff is a quick fix. i’m saying that you have a life and an existence that is worth investing in, that is worth caring about. you are worth the world, FUCK your parents for making you question that due to their own mental and emotional issues. regardless of your past, you’re here and you deserve better. you will find better. you’re so much closer to getting ‘out’ than you realize. while it’s normal to be scared of living alone, humans adapt quite quickly. and you wont be alone in the way that you imagine, you’ll simply have agency over your own choices. like i said before, there are so many ppl who are going to show you what it’s like to truly treasured, who you haven’t even met yet. it’s just a matter of treating yourself softly, the way you’d treat a friend going through a hard time, until you get to that point. and also a matter of knowing your parents are full of shit. but anyway, this got far too long. i just have a lot to say, i hate how adults choose to have babies and then do this to them.....if you want to talk about it properly, or if you need a friend or anything. please feel free to send me a message. i’ll be here, and i believe in you !! one day at a time 💌

[evangclines-blog1]

what  if  we  ......  pretended  this  was  a  good  intro  .....  aha  just  kidding  .....  unless  ?  i  was  just  gonna  link  to  all  my  stuff  but  ...  ur  girl  wrote  a  lot  and  i  don’t  wanna  be  cruel  and  force  u  all  to  read  everything  JDBWBDJBWJ  so  here we  go  !!   <3

( VENUS, PARK SOOYOUNG, CIS FEMALE, SHE /HER ) guess what, EVANGELINE RHEE has just landed in cannes with their private jet. they are a TWENTY-TWO year old socialite, who spends much of their time & money UPDATING THEIR SKINCARE ROUTINE. i think their family is in the ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY and their net worth is around 10B USD.   

first things first ... i’m gonna drop some links in case u want to read everything i wrote at 6 am the day the submit closed bc im stoopid like that <3 

here u can find her full bio, stats, extended stats, and hcs ! the hcs are definitely the most fun to read so i recommend going to that page hehe

into the summary we go !

BACKSTORY:  suicide mention tw

eva’s dad is a movie producer and her mom was the beautiful woman he met at a train station <3 her parents had a very whirlwind romance, very love at first sight, very passionate and intense type of relationship literally everything you see in hollywood ? they had that ! they got married after only a year of knowing each other and had eva soon after 

thats when things got not-so-picturesque /: after having eva, her mom entered a pretty dark depression. eva’s dad ( who had been aware of his wife’s mental health and even warned by her family against doing anything crazy like getting married and having a whole baby so fast ) was kinda in denial about everything. eva’s mom still had her good days, but the bad days were really bad & when eva was only two years old her mom had an accident & passed away 

so while eva’s dad was grieving, he sent little eva to new york city to go live with her grandma !! eva adored her grandmother more than anyone else. she was a retired jazz singer, and a lot of what they did together was sit around and listen to old records <3 eva lived with her until she was five years old & that’s pretty much the only childhood she can remember since her mom died when she was so young !! 

when her dad brings eva back to france, he’s doing a lot better. he’s back to producing movies and throwing parties and being a part of society again ( things he had stopped while he was grieving for his wife ) and he even found his own form of “medicine” which was simply the company of beautiful women ! most of them were young actresses he met through his work, all of them were gorgeous, and they all adored little eva <3 

eva adored them right back ! they taught her stuff she imagined all mother’s teach their daughters: how to dress well, how to smell nice, how to get people’s attention, what makeup to wear, how to do your hair, how to speak so everyone hangs on to your every word, etc. she was still a little girl but she was absorbing all these lessons like a sponge, & it’s a big part of why she’s so obsessed with her own femininity and why she’s got this mindset about being beautiful inside & out in order to feel balanced. 

none of the women her dad brought home were ever at her house for more than a week. her father, who had been a notorious bachelor before eva’s mother, seemed incapable of falling in love again. that was his first and maybe only lesson to eva, which was how to break hearts, which is something else she absorbed & carried with her as she grew up

as eva grew up, she kinda became obsessed with trying to imagine what her mom had been like. no one in her family liked to talk about her, especially not her dad, but she knew she looked just like her and she was kinda always trying to fill in the blanks. but then one christmas her dad let it slip that her mom’s death hadn’t been an accident at all, that it had been on purpose. that was kind of the turning point for eva & she just kind of....stopped trying to re imagine her mom after that just kinda wanting to let her rest /:

she also went through a phase of doing stuff just because she could. she’d flirt with people’s boyfriends, she’d make strangers fall in love with her, she’d date people just to break up with them suddenly, etc. she kind of realized just how much she could get away with, but more than that, just how far people would go when they fell in love. she was obsessed with that, but also kind of jealous of those people just because she’d never felt that kind of soul shattering love for someone before and she really does want to </3 while she’s never been in love before, and while she does get bored of lovers easily, she still feels a type of attachment that is sometimes so strong she’s not willing to let the other person go even if she’s being selfish by hanging onto people she can’t get serious abt /: thats just life sometimes......whore rights !

FUN FACTS , PERSONALITY, AND TIDBITS: whore antics tw

 goes by eva, never evangeline. her grandma has always called her angel, and so that nickname has also carried over naturally

libra sun AND moon babey ! read abt it here

wears euphoria makeup to do groceries

 moved from paris to new york city for college to attend columbia university. double majored in english literature and business management. 

created what she called the “manhattan group” in reference to the bloomsbury group, which was a group of associated english writers, intellectuals, philosophers and artists in the first half of the 20th century ( that included writers like virginia woolf ) duringher freshman year. although meetings were supposed to be about discussing literature, it mostly became a place to drink warming champagne, flirt, and gossip. eva hosted the events & meetings off campus inside her loft. the manhattan group only lasted her freshman year though, as rumors of all the underage drinking and “cult-like behavior” persuaded her to drop it. that, and the fact that more than one member had fallen in love with her and things were getting quite tense. 

she never carries a lighter because she likes the way more than one person will offer her one if she asks for a light <3 

it’s a famous rumor that eva once spilled her drink on her chanel mini-dress at a charity gala and stripped down to her lingerie in front of everyone. it would have stayed a rumor if it wasn’t for the instagram story that went up of her only her underwear. 

she has a house phone in her nyc loft that only a select few people ( minus the strangers she’s given the number to while drunk ) know the number 

has a three year old black cat named june that she brought with ehr to cannes <3 

is the proud owner of a black maserati despite being an infamous bad driver. no one in their right mind, especially not her friends, would ever trust eva to drive.

it’s rumored she once snuck onto the yacht of a ceo to a fortune 500 company, only for him to find her in nothing but a bath towel eating chocolates while flipping through his playboy magazines, and that he was so taken with her instead of pressing charges he decided to name the boat after eva.

once spent a whole day walking around paris in a cheap pink wig and calling herself yvette. nobody could figure out why. eva often pulls stunts like this on a whim.

believes 2 is an unlucky number and is very superstitious about it, as that is the year her mother died. fully believes her twenties are cursed and is actually looking forward to the day she turns 30 just to escape the 2′s.

leonardo dicaprio once made a pass at her during the after party of a movie premiere she was attending.

during full moons, eva always has sex with the windows open. even if it’s winter, a window will be cracked open. this is one of her many personal superstitions. 

has a collection of old love letters, mixtapes, and presents past suitors and secret admirers have gifted her. while she cannot remember the origin of quite a few of the objects in her collection, she is attached to them still.

owns a replica of the famous cross necklace filled with cocaine that kathryn had in cruel intentions.

literally i basically just copied most of my hcs page im a clown i cant do summaries...

ok so personality wise ? shes a flirt. a whore, if u will. yes thats a personality trait now. literally if ur breathing shes flirting doesnt matter who u are doesnt matter if ur married if u have 10 kids doesnt matter like she will flirt....does not know how to open her mouth without flirting 

big on aesthetics /: believes everyone should get manicures like if ur cuticles are showing shes gonna gag . get help <3

not good at being held accountable for her actions. she’s not really the type to be malicious on purpose, but since she really does play with ppls feelings a lot it’s inevitable she’s gonna hurt someone but if u bring it up shes just gonna be like .. me ? at fault ? u must have the wrong girl i’m angel ...

likes 2 play games JSBDWBDJW clearly....matters of the heart are her fave kind but she also likes doing kinda ridiculous stuff for fun just to see how ppl are gonna react, also likes to do stuff just bc she knows she can usually get away with it 

loves skin care like she will be ur dermatologist ( self appointed ) she will gift u a moisturizer she will get everyone to do facemasks with her u cannot escape it ...

has trouble being alone but won’t admit it / doesn’t even really realize it ??? like it is... very rare u will ever find her sleeping alone or spending a whole day in just her own company 

not shy.....at all like JBSJDWBJDW she could use some shame but she has zero unfortunately 

despite being a whore....she is a HUGE romantic like whew she is obsessed with old love songs & is always playing them on her record player she loves to slow dance <3 she often gives ppl her fave poems ( usually poems abt sex ), she loves getting roses, loves kissing ppl on the cheek when she’s wearing lipstick, & she likes to leave ppl voicemails like ... shes really living like she is the main chara of a romance movie and everyone else is extra #5 most of the time... 

idk what else to say im sure shes gonna evolve once we start rping bc that always happens to me but....for now.....this is the end ! *cue feel special by twice*

[birdy-babe]

Burned Out Chapter 3

Summary: Roman makes some changes...Patton’s emotions finally explode

Warnings: UHHH nothing rly, crying? angst?

Pairings: Platonic Royality (Or romantic if you want it), Platonic LAMP! Maybe eventual Logince or something idk

Word count: 2116 (Sorry its short!)

Note: Lmao I wanna say that im 100% not gonna make Logan and Virgil seem evil and I apologize if I have. Logan I find is very...self centered in a way that he isnt aware of other peoples feelings and he thinks he is always correct. Virgil however...he more, doesn’t know how to deal with it? And he doesn’t understand the capacity of his words/actions bc he thinks Roman can handle it. They aren’t terrible- they will start to be nicer :)

ALso thank you for all the positive feedback!! It makes me suppper happy!!

anyway, here you go!

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5

Chapter 3

Roman fell onto his couch as he resided back to his room.

He let out a sigh and stared at his ceiling, watching the bubbles float by. He reached up and played with them as he thought to himself.

"Why don't you trust me more?" He asked himself in an empty, quiet room, "All I do is fight for you..fight for your hopes and dreams. Create all you're imagination. I want to create happiness for you, not destroy everything you’ve ever wanted" he tells the silence in his room. Roman let out a loud sigh as he sat up.

"Maybe I should just duck out... It seems all I am doing is hurting you" he tells himself and glanced around his room. "I'm nothing but childish imagination, and you're an adult now. You have no time for silly things like me" he stood up in frustration. He looked around the room. It was covered in Disney posters, colorful paintings, and family photos of the sides. Roman looked down at his transparent hands.

He sucked in a breath- he knew exactly what this meant. The creative side raised his hand so it was in front of his face. Roman could faintly see through his hand. The bubbles floated by and provided a glow that just drifted through what used to be solid.

He focused on what was behind his hand, spotting a photo across the room. He let his hand slowly fall as he stared at it. Roman let out a breath, taking one foot after the other until he stood in front of the photo.

The photo showed Roman surrounded by all the people he loved. His right arm was slung around Virgil's shoulders as Virgil let a small smile appear on his face. His left arm was wrapped around Patton; the moral side hugged Roman around the neck while laughing. Logan stood next to Patton, a hand on Patton's back as he subtly smiled at the camera. Deceit stood too the side, beside Virgil with a small grin and a wave- he didn't like to be touched often. Remy was even in this one- he peaked above Roman and Patton giving a peace-sign to the camera. Thomas was the one who took the photo, so he was absent but he was there in thought.

Roman felt a knot in his throat and a rock in his stomach. He came to a realization. He ran his hand over the photo nostalgically.

"Maybe I don't need to leave...maybe if I just change I wont disappear" he whispered to himself, his voice low and cracking, "I don't want to leave them.." He tells himself and glanced around the room.

He was suddenly set on a different mission. He needed to reinvent himself or else he would disappear. He didn't need to sit, wallowed up in his room until he poofed into nothingness. He didn't want to leave the people he loved the most- and if he changed so they accepted him, maybe he wouldn't have too.

He started with the posters. Roman moved around the room and took down all his Disney posters. He pulled down Mulan, Aladdin, Lion King, Beauty and The Beast, The Little Mermaid, Pinocchio, all of them. He folded them nicely and set them in a pile.

He tapped his chin as he thought about what else he needed to get rid of. He pulled down all his meaningless paintings- which was most of them. He left up a few that were simple and fit the room well. He piled the paintings up next to the posters.

Roman bit his lip and thought for a moment, closing his eyes and raising his hand. He breathed heavily as he concentrated- using his mind to change the structure of his room. His brain started to go on overdrive.

Roman suddenly gasped, opening his eyes as he felt himself fall over out of mental exhaustion. He scrambled to catch himself, grabbing onto the arm of a chair to stop himself from completely falling on his face.

He breathed heavily, his limbs felt weak and his eyes felt tired. He shook his head to try to wake himself up a bit more. He knew he needed to stop doing that so much; he knew it was bad for him. Yet he was satisfied with the result.

The walls were no longer red and gold and instead was a nice coffee color. The floor was no longer covered in paint and other stains. It was a soft, comfortable white carpet. He looked at the furniture. Instead of having it all red and royalty-like, the couches and chairs were a simple black and the tables were sleek white with glass on stop. It still looked nice and expensive- yet just more simple. More calming.

The place where his unfinished paintings were stacked next to his easel and paints was now replaced with a desk with papers instead of canvases and pencils instead of brushes. A laptop sat on the desk.

Roman smiled at it. It was so incredibly simple and not creative at all but Roman knew it would be a good change. Sure it made him uncomfortable, it was no where near his style, and he hated it but...if it kept him from disappearing he would do anything.

Roman decided he wanted to show the other sides, despite how tired he was. He was suddenly so excited about them seeings it- seeing how much he has matured. He let out a small squeal, "They are going to love it!" He clapped his hands.

Roman was about to sink out when he glanced into the mirror. He immediately stopped and looked down at his outfit. He couldn’t wear this silly thing anymore. He needed something less...extra.

Roman thought for a moment before letting out a small gasp. He excitedly spun in a circle. Suddenly his prince outfit disappeared and in its spot was a white button up with his logo on the shoulders. His pants were now all red and his shirt was tucked into them. To top it off, a pair of golden suspenders went around his shoulders.

He grinned at himself, "Now I'm ready!"

He sunk out

"Greetings, friendos!" Roman greeted as he appeared in the shared mindpalace.

Logan looked up from the book he had his nose in, Virgil continued to nod his head as he listened to music on the couch, and Patton was too engrossed in Steven Universe.

Logan cringed a little bit, “Please not so loud, I do have a headache from today and I’m trying to focus my attention to my book” He requested.

Roman took a moment to wonder how Logan- an imaginary figment inside someones head- had a headache. He decided not to think about it too much to refrain from also- giving himself a headache.

“Sorry to interrupt, Siri. I just wish to show you all something I have fabulously done!” He tells the group just as proudly but with less volume this time.

Logan’s nose was already back in his book, so he just let out a hum. Virgil glanced at him but didn’t respond as his headphones covered his ears.

Roman’s prideful attitude plummeted, “Hello? Greetings? Yes I am talking to all of you commoners!” He called out playfully, stepping into the living room. He waved to Virgil who just glared and visibly showed Roman that he had turned up his music. Roman crossed his arms and glared back.

He turned to Logan with a huff, waving his hand in front of his face, “Hello? Alexa? I am speaking to you!” He calls out.

Logan slowly looked up at him and calmly set his book down on his lap, “Roman as excited as you are, I simply do not have the emotions to...give attention to whatever project you have completed now. It is later in the evening and I wish to continue to relax by reading. Perhaps you can show Patton” Logan explained and suggested. Roman frowned.

“But I want to show all of youuu!” He whined.

Logan was getting visibly irritated, “As I explained before, Roman” Logan said his name harshly, “I lack the interest you do in giving attention to you’re newest creation. Maybe later”

Roman grabbed Logan’s hand and started to attempt to pull him off the couch, “Pleaaassee Logan-!”

“Roman I do not have the time-” He raised his voice.

“But Logan I-”

“Roman! Enough!” Logan yelled and ripped his hand away. Roman let his hands drop as he went silent.

Roman felt his heart plummet as he stared at Logan. He felt anger boil in his chest.

“Whatever. Continue being an emotionless freak then” Roman spat the words at him. He saw the hurt flash across Logan’s eyes.

Roman knew his words hurt. He remembered the nights he stayed up to comfort Logan. He knew how insecure Logan was about his lack of emotions and his selfishness. He knew it all yet he spit the words anyway- just to hurt him.

Roman turned around before Logan could see the guilt in his expression.

Roman shoved his hands in his pockets and began walking out of the living room in a hurt, dreadful rage back to his room. He stopped in his tracks when he suddenly heard a voice that broke silence.

“I’ll come see it” Patton’s soft voice rang through the room.

Roman turned around slowly. Sometime in the midst of fighting with Logan, Virgil had turned down his music and taken off his headphones and Patton paused his show. Virgil was now looking back and forth from Logan to Roman with an unreadable expression. Patton stared up from where he was on the ground with a soft, sad expression.

Roman let out a sigh, “No Patton it’s fine, it is nothing impressive or-”

Patton stood up, interrupting Roman, “I don't care! I wanna see it...everything you make is impressive! No one tells you that enough!” Patton told him, a pained expression on his face.

Roman froze, confusion written all over his face. He was usually so good at reading emotions and how people felt but now he couldn’t. He didn’t know why Patton was starting to yell compliments at him while he wore a pained expression. He didn’t know why Patton was saying anything positive to him in the first place. Roman knew he had done nothing right lately.

“Patton you don’t have to say that, its hardly true and-”

Patton voice cracked, “Roman stop!” he yelled.

The room went silent.

All you could hear was the soft breaths coming from Patton as he stared at the creative side. Roman stood, shocked and confused, staring back at him. Virgil and Logan watched in confusion and surprise from their spots.

“It is true! Roman you are so valued! You make Thomas so incredibly happy. You allow him to see a brighter future and to find fun in life. You create wonderful things and everything you make is impressive and gorgeous! You are so important to Thomas and you are so important to us! We can’t be without you, Roman!” Patton’s voice was slowly becoming strained as it became obvious that he was holding back tears.

“We don’t tell you that enough..or at all! You deserve to hear how much we appreciate you because we do! And you always show us how much you value us and how much you care about us and we never return the favor!” Patton had tears in his eyes by now.

All the sides watched in awe- Patton had only gotten like this a few times before. He only did when he was feeling overwhelmed by different emotions or when he felt ignored.

Roman felt a knot in his throat as he felt like he was also going to cry hearing these things. He finally spoke up.

“Patton why-” He started to speak but Patton wasn't done.

“Because your mug is gone! I noticed that your mug is gone...and your paintings! The paintings you made and we hung in the living room have disappeared!” Patton gestured to the walls.

The three other sides looked around them and found it to be true- the paintings Roman had hung had now disappeared, leaving the walls blank and empty.

“Plus!” Patton continued, holding his tears down, “You weren’t at breakfast! Or lunch! Or dinner! You didn’t show up today when Thomas called you...you-” Patton’s tears finally over flowed.

Roman ran forward so he was in front of Patton, looking around him- trying to figure out how to comfort the boy. Roman felt terrible, he made Patton sad like this. He didn’t mean too, he just figured the other sides didn’t want him around. Roman placed a hand Patton's shoulder and looked at him. Patton hung his head.

“Patton that's hardly any reason to assume that-”

“You’re disappearing Roman…” Patton told him as he grabbed Roman’s hand and looked down at it, “Roman you’re transparent...you’re disappearing”

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[holydepths-blog]

✩ watergate :3

this took too fucking long

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? i feel like emma cos she’s more angry dramatic and he’s more emo dramatic but i was also gonna say he probably should to accomodate for his heightWho threatens to leave but never actually does? neither of them, they’ve both left one another repeatedly. Who actually keeps their word and leaves? both of them, see above. Who trashes the house? i don’t think either of them … i can’t see him ever doing it but if he did she would kick his ass things need to be NEAT Do either of them get physical? basement gate tease ! but no … it’s soft ….  that’s been erased from my memory … they’re emo not violent  How often do they argue/disagree? all the time but about #dumb shit nowadays … used to be more serious but now? you like chocolate ice cream better? … idiot  Who is the first to apologise? if they had a penny for every time mickey has apologised to her both of them could quit their low salary jobs and move to france 

Sex:

Who is on top? bold of u to assume they aren’t both switches Who is on the bottom? ^Who has the strangest desires? Any kinks? mind ur fucking business … snuggling is a kink Who’s dominant in bed? i don’t think dominant has ever been in either of their vocabulary where’s the john mulaney gif abt soup in the lap … regaurdless … probably he has to be she’s babyIs head ever in the equation? she suck the dick for free and mickey is a good boy, he knows how to go down on a womf If so, who is better at performing it? i don’t know how sex works is it easier to eat thrussy or suck a dick … they both try the only thing that matters is that once he said she was better at sex than [ redacted ] Ever had sex in public? private public … like not dressing room public but like, romantic lookout in a car public … hope no coppers come 2 shine their flashlight Who moans the most? idk if this is my sexism or my lesbian but women should, legally, be required to moan more than menWho leaves the most marks? he better swallow his masculinity and get used to concealer but i feel like that wld not be an issue for him, king ! he can’t borrow hers though it won’t match Who screams the loudest? WHO YELLSWho is the more experienced of the two? mickey. fucking duh. Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? they make love :3Rough or soft? soft … unlike his penis How long do they usually last? haha 8 seconds joe goldberg tease? idk how long sex even lasts in general …. solidly average is my guess Is protection used? he better wrap it before he taps it my girl cannot afford plan b . so yesDoes it ever get boring? not …. boring but ….. consistent. when emma gets too drunk she asks odette for sex advice bc she doesn’t want to bore ickey Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? nowhere is strange if ur brave enough.

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? …. yes ….If so, how many children do your muses want/have? she wants 27 children actually but literally anything from 1-30 will suffice …. they need a lot of help on his inevitable farm Who is the favorite parent? mickey is the fun parent so u already know who it is Who is the authoritative parent? REMEMBER the clip i sent u from the marky mark movie … she’s always the bad guy until he gets #fedup and he has to remind her that she’s not doing it this time AJSDKF Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? honeslty both of them unless emma hoards all the candy … selfish  Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? both of them they make fucking SIGNS …. its a little league game u dont need to paint the football stripes on ur faceWho goes to parent teacher interviews? they both go but mickey is better at them because emma always goes into teacher mode and tries to talk about Who changes the diapers? mickey does he’s a NURSE he is not grossed out , she is . baby poop is rank Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? where tf is that gifset from prison break when u need it … she does but only because she hates diapers and it’s only fair to pop a tiddie out every night for ur kid in exchangeWho spends the most time with the children? ummmm FAMILY FUN NIGHT x Who packs their lunch boxes?Who gives their children ‘the talk’? mickey he is obligated as a medical professional she don’t teach sex ed …. Who cleans up after the kids? emma but only because she’s a neat freak Who worries the most? both of them try to pretend they’re VERY cool and nonchalant and this is actually very easy until one of them cracks (probably her) and they both worry together constantly . solidarity babey ! ….. moreso her tho u cannot change my mind Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? auntie odette change my mind we said FUCK watergate lives , emdette rise 

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? both of them …. constntly …. disgusting Who is the little spoon? [ jake peralta vc ] everyone likes to be the little spoon, it makes them feel safe ! LOOK HERE buddy …. he is and i dont take questions , even when he was 10 ft Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? can he fucking keep his hands AWF …. thats coming from me not emma she appreciates it Who struggles to keep their hands to themself? both of them …. its CONSTANT … hand on the shoulder , touching someone’s back as u walk past …. SOFT ! n then the one gif  u sent from superstore where amy slaps jonah’s ass that’s emma How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?  they actually fall asleep cuddling and wake up complaining abt falling asleep in a uncomfortable position… shut up abt ur back pain ur not 80 Who gives the most kisses? KISS kisses …. he. but know … she’s always kissing him on the cheek What is their favourite non-sexual activity? this is gonna sound g*y as hell but stay with me here ………. just being in the same place , even when they’re doing diff stuff . TOGETHERNESS …. vomit time Where is their favourite place to cuddle? the couch , i retract my statement about them not being 80 they actually fall asleep watching tv Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? casually ? she … to actually initiate eye emoji ? he How often do they get time to themselves? all the time , they know 2 other people 

Sleeping:

Who snores? he does im hcing this for ur own character If both do, who snores the loudest? she doesn’t SNORE she’s a lady Do they share a bed or sleep separately? they’ve been in 200 different stages of relationship ……. OTHER than depending on that , she sleeps better w him there :3If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? they start far apart cos she’s a blanket hog but she always ends up next 2 him Who talks in their sleep? she mumbles sometimes ….. its nothing coherent What do they wear to bed? she owns 47 different stupid size xxxxxxxl shirts that were 2 bucks  from walmart and wears only that . i bet mickey owns a bathrobe, bourgeois pig … Are either of your muses insomniacs? idk she reads a chapter of whatever dumb shit she’s reading and has tea or wine and conks out ….. idk his business Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? idk abt taking them and ik its not the point but shes anal retentive abt keeping medicine in the medicine cabinet so THERE BETTER NOT BE Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? AS I SAID … they start out on opposite sides of the beg and end up more tangled than tangled (20whatever) Who wakes up with bed hair? his hair is floofy ,,,, Who wakes up first? i feel like that depends on his shifts …. she wakes up at the same damn time every week day …. weekends though she sleeps in for 10 yrs so him Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? emma tries and he has to leave bed anyway because the fire alarm goes off  What is their favourite sleeping position? she prefers it when she has all the blankets Who hogs the sheets? she does Do they set an alarm each night? they have JOBS does she look like pippa to u Can a television be found in their bedroom? yes so she can cry over dumb rom coms over somewhere other than the couch …… he’s invested in them , change my mind Who has nightmares? i already know ur about to say he does so im calling the cops on u end of story Who has ridiculous dreams? all of emma’s dreams are indistinguishable from bad acid trips Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? she sleeps in the fetal position he seems like a sprawler …..Who makes the bed? emma …. its gotta be CLEAN and if he ever says “why make it we’re just gonna sleep there again” its on SIGHT What time is bed time? whenever she passes out , always before midnight , considering they’re 72Any routines/rituals before bed? i bet they brush their teeth at the same time to see who can do it faster like they’re five year olds …. or that gifset from new girl where he’s like “ u read my walking dead fanfic ? ”Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? emma takes three cups of coffee to be able to be her CHIPPER self …. 

Work:

Who is the busiest? she has like a 6 hour work day so he for sure Who rakes in the highest income? i just googled nurses versus preschool teachers and he makes twice what she does …. laughs nervously …. glad she’s going back 2 school but elementary teachers STILL make less …. mr talbot got COIN ! Are any of your muses unemployed? no , freeloading is ILLEGAL Who takes the most sick days? i feel like the two worst jobs to go into sick are a literal hospital with immunocompromised people and a preschool with toddlers who dont wash their hands …. equal maybe Who is more likely to turn up late to work? despite her original beef with odette in the apocalypse verse emma is NEVER late to work Who sucks up to their boss? she cooks dinner , a nice LASAGNA for whoever to heat up and mickey has to break it to her that making whoever her superior is eat what tastes like glue will in fact , damage their relationship What are their jobs? hes a nursey  boy …. shes a teacher Who stresses the most? about life in general? her. about work? probably him. he’s dealing with LIVES she’s got the alphabet Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? they better they aren’t getting paid enough to hate it Are your muses financially stable? they’re not rich but they’re not dying and that’s what matters 

Home:

Who does the washing? emma because it relaxes her Who takes out the trash? he better , she does not like to  LOOK at things once they are thrown out … its smelly Who does the ironing? neither of them have ironed anything in their lives Who does the cooking? HE HAS TO IDC if he isn’t fuckign gordon ramsay she’ll kill them Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? emma Who is messier? if he leaves a single sock on the floor he is automatically messier than her Who leaves the toilet roll empty? that’s satanic neither of them Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? he does …. its just not REALISTIC that she does Who forgets to flush the toilet? that’s gross ……hopefully neither ….. DISGOSTEING.mp4Who is the prankster around the house? anything STUPID is hers and hers alone but i feel like he’d do something relatively innocent and it would go HORRIBLY wrong like , hey emma come get y’all juice ….Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? despite being organized in every other aspect of her life emma has never kept track of keys in her life its a disease Who mows the lawn? he does , he shld do it shirtless so she can objectify him Who answers the telephone? mickey, she truly stares at it hoping it’ll go away Who does the vacuuming? emmaWho does the groceries? she would make HORRIBLE decisions ,,, he shld make the list and she shld get it Who takes the longest to shower? no sexism but she’s a girl Who spends the most time in the bathroom? see above 

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? yES like … they can afford groceries , make rent , but for literally every american except jeff bezos money is a problem in some area . this isn’t a hc just a capitalist hellscape How many cars do they own? two …. neither of them are very nice cars Do they own their home or do they rent? rent unless/until he gets the farm of his dreams Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? countryside thats where FARMS are … but like rn , coast cos there’s the ocean in town Do they live in the city or in the country? see above bbgDo they enjoy their surroundings? the goats of the future and the noisy neighbors of the current and past eras both leave something to be desired , but in general yes What’s their song? not to go all modern au but remember when stereo hearts was on their 2011 mixtape AJSKDF …. issa bop and its arguably the most cutesy singable on the playlist What do they do when they’re away from each other? bitch idk ? exist as human beings ?Where did they first meet? idk she probably met him for coffee or sum before moving in together to make sure he wasn’t a serial killer How did they first meet? they were roommates … oh my god they were roommates …. she prolly put an ad in the paper very lucky she did not get murdered x Who spends the most money when out shopping? i feel like neither of them are big spenders but her sticker and colored pen budget is larger than it should be Who’s more likely to flash their assets? i thought this was talking about tits for a second but im assuming mone ? they keep it humble Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? they both do , bullying one another is a bonding experience Any mental issues? more than you know my guy Who’s terrified of bugs? if she sees a SPIDER she floors it , but she releases most other bugs …. he better kill anything w 8 legs tho Who kills the spiders around the house? mickey , as described above wow im psychic Their favourite place? they can make any place work together … gay but true , just like me Who pays the bills? she has a special binder just for taxes Do they have any fears for their future? all the fears actually Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? she cannot cook but she has 10/10 ordered takeout , put it on plates and been like :the happy version of the pensive emoji yk the one: i cooked it while the reciept is still on the counter Who uses up all of the hot water? thats very selfish she wld never but she also showers first bc she doesn’t trust him not to ….. Who’s the tallest? they , in american , are the SAME HEIGHT ,,, fuck centimeters Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?Who wanders around in their underwear? clothes are oppressive let them both do it coward Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? it probably turns into a competition until they’re both singing at the top of their lungs …. omg watergate you’re gonna burst a vocal cord oh my god they can’t hear us they have airpods in What do they tease each other about? literally everything …. one of them BREAHTES wrong and the other is like “ ah didnt realise the asthma express was in town “ Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? mickey literally dresses like the fresh prince so u already answered that for me Do they have mutual friends? can the real jack detler please stand up Who crushed first? she ……. did not immediately fall in love with him let me tell u , it took her some solid MONTHS to realise she was in deep for his bitch ass Any alcohol or substance related problems? i wld hope not , #stubie twWho is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? them , together , for getting kicked out of the bar for singing Who swears the most? neither ? 

[hailrosa-a]

can you write an hc on rosa's mental health?

OF COURSE I AM READY TO ATTACK THIS LEMME GO OFF  !!!! 

also this is really long  … pls lemme know if u actually read OMG

okay in all honestly, rosalie’s mental health is fucked. now, im not being funny or anything but if you really think about it… i would be SURPRISED if she didn’t have issues.  SM completely glazed over the night rosalie was turned  && then after. she was raped by not just one man, who was supposed to LOVE HER, but by his friends too. then instantly she finds herself living her life as a different species, not having her birth family around —-  her mother. && she couldn’t go to the police about it bc technically her being a newborn would have risked so much. 

so who did she have?

rosalie was gang-raped and beaten left to die. who was she to get help from to recover from this? esme? esme’s situation was domestic violence ( not downplaying that in anyway ) but it wouldn’t be the same to rosalie. rosalie’s situation had happened out of nowhere, royce never drank in front of her. she had never seen him drunk. so his behavior had completely surprised her  && up until that point she TRUSTED him. sure the whole relationship was solely based off physical attraction but she was going to MARRY this man, she had placed trust in him to care for her. she saw him as her PRINCE. && then in one drunken night he completely destroyed that. && then as he walks away, they all JOKE about how royce would need to find another bride… literally treating her like she was nothing. 

though carlisle was a doctor, i dont think he had any experience or any proper way of handling rape victims. he, at least that i know of, didn’t really focus on psychology. so it wasn’t like HE was the one rosalie wanted to talk to. even if she hadn’t resented him. BUT i have it as headcanon, or it could be canon lol like i said SM glazed over it, that rosalie didn’t resent carlisle completely because he took her humanity from her. royce had already taken that from her when he left her to die. she resented carlisle because now she couldn’t escape that night. && based off how the book goes, everyone ( aside from alice ) they all seem to remember when they were changed  && then every moment after. human memories fading more. so rosalie’s most prominent human memory was being raped. so because of carlisle, she couldn’t escape it. at least if she were dead, she was dead. end of story. 

off the bat, edward has no interest in her. now —- its shallow thinking, yes —- but after this girl had her whole appearance being the envy of a lot of women && every man wanted her… now suddenly after a traumatic night, she’s suddenly undesirable. all she had now were her looks. before she had a family, her future, and her looks. now it was just her appearance because she couldnt go with her birth family ever again && she had no future. i do believe that rosalie is narcissistic && self-centered as a defense mechanism. she was like this before, but because she had let it get to her head. NOW, after that night —- as most rape victims feel  —- she felt dirty, used, unloved, unappreciated, etc. SO for the first time she is with a man after everything, he wants nothing to do with her. confidence plummets, she can’t let it affect her. so she builds up more confidence in herself, but it translates into her being full of herself, shallow, etc. 

so!!! for the first couple of months/years, of now living with the cullens. she had no one to talk about that night with. she tries SO hard to forget that in the first months she doesn’t bring it up  && with edward around, she refuses to think about. she thinks about her beauty. she admires herself because it makes her happy. her face is human yet inhumane at the same time – to her. anyways, she couldn’t get professional help. “I’m a vampire now after my ex-fiance && her friends gang-raped me… so now i cant sleep to escape that night… && any medications you would want to give me for the anxiety wouldn’t help anyways lol” first, she’s a newborn so being with new people ( at least at the time ) who knew if she had control? second, she would have to leave things out  &&  IM NOT SURE ABOUT YOU BUT I DONT THINK THEY HANDLED RAPE CASES THE SAME AS THEY DO NOW. third, royce had money. rosalie describes his family as NY royalty. so, they wouldn’t have done anything for rosalie. seeking professional help was just not in the cards for her.

seeking revenge on royce && his friend was her therapy. she needed it. if she hadn’t done anything, another girl could have gotten the same treatment. rosalie’s case would have been swept under the rug. royce would marry someone else eventually && the life of rosalie would have been nothing. && rosalie was not having that. she would rather have his death connected with her disappearance than have his successes throughout the rest of his life overpower his wrongdoings.  

FAST FORWARD TO WHEN SHE SAVES EMMETT…. i call bullshit on how everything was fine once she has him. she forgives carlisle yes because he saved someone for her… but does she suddenly stop thinking about what happened to her? edward still considers himself a monster after going through his rebellious stage. so she has to still think about. EMMETT DOES MAKE IT BETTER THOUGH. HE KNOWS WHEN SHE’S THINKING ABOUT IT. HE RESPECTS THE TIME IT TAKES FOR HER TO LET HIM TOUCH HER. but he reminds her constantly that she is beautiful. he wouldn’t let anything harm her. 

&& in the house, only Emmett && maybe Edward ( but also not really??? bc he calls her an assassin… even though he KNEW the reason && KNEW that she didn’t enjoy it… && calls her a drama queen )  truly know how she feels && respect whats shes been through. now im not saying that they should treat her like gold or walk on egg shells around her. BUT no one reaches out to her.  && in midnight sun, when alice says how she should think about someone other than herself… it strikes a cord in rosalie BECAUSE SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT EDWARD. it was done in an “eeeehh it could’ve been handled better” kind of way… && she did just want her family together again… BUT everyone else had no plan. she had a plan. she went through with it. her selfless acts completely overshadowed by her more selfish attitude. 

NOT TO MENTION that when rosalie wants to kill bella… it’s NOT BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T LIKE BELLA ( kinda ). its because THE ONE FAMILY SHE HAS will be killed if anything goes bad… the volturi will kill her parents && edward ( who she has known the longest out of anyone else aside from carlisle & esme ), HER MATE, && jasper & alice, who have become her family. SHE THINKS SELFLESSLY but because she cares about her appearance… she’s selfish 100% of the time. 

alsooooo, she could be seen as the outcast of the family. all her siblings have a gift. emmett has incredible strength. carlisle helps people, has compassion, && is  most of their creators. && esme has love, a strong love for everyone. her “gift”, enhanced beauty, is nothing compared to that. her skill is the most human, a skilled mechanic. she brings nothing to the table —-  going back to using the narcissistic && self-centered attitude as a defense mechanism. 

all in all, idk how to bring it all together so i just vomited everything i feel about rosalie hale. because everything she does, has a reason. it’s bullshit to just call her the queen bitch when she’s had trauma happen to her with no help provided for her. 

[haepipillbud]

032221

it’s over..

I knew it was coming soon. just not this soon. 

there was still so many things I wanna know about him and do with him. so many memories I wanna make.. 

this is probably one of the longest posts I’ll ever do and definitely add more too as time goes on, but it’s definitely not the sign that I’ve moved on. that’s for a different entry. 

by the time I’m writing this part, it’s been well over a week since we broke up. it’s April 2 now.

for the past week all I’ve been thinking about is me honestly. and him. I wanna genuinely know if he’s doing well but he claims he is, I somewhat don’t buy it tho. in my perspective I’m kinda jealous of him because he’s a natural quiet guy and he can get away with looking sad and having mood swings. I live in a household where any sad emotion is not acceptable. they dig onto you and it always boils down to them trying to solve it with you when you want to solve it by yourself. it’s toxic.

we still talk. which I was told is a bad idea since memories are still fresh. I’ve told him about how I walk sometimes in the morning to clear my head, when I wake up accidentally. what he doesn’t know is that every time I do, I cry my head off which results to a whole day of headaches and migranes the next day. (which again I have to mask because weakness is not applicable to me in this family) 

he doesn’t know that I sat in that bench in the upper forest, that I hung out in the exact spot we first laid under the stars, in the swing where we chill after our long walks with friends, I pass by the house we used to trespass in, I pass by other houses we could’ve trespassed in. I also listen to sad instrumentals and our voice messages to each other while doing all this and I just let it all out. 

it hurts during those 2 hours. i miss him so much.

but it’s easier to fake that nothings wrong the next day, that’s also why I do it.

honestly I wish he’d come with me sometime. but I’m sure he doesn’t want any... intimate time between us yet.. it’s too soon. too romantic.

on the other hand I was doing well doing just that until I had a bad day at home, told a friend which she turned the conversation by saying “maybe you should also get rid of your emotional baggage”. she means my feelings for him and the way I’ve been interacting with him because it’s not healthy for each of us. 

it messed me up real bad. i had a panic attack and another s-word episode. 

what she doesn’t understand is that I want to cope with this sadness by going back to normal. before I knew he loved me. before he knew i loved him. back to when we’d just talk about movies, food and our friends. like best friends. I just want us to establish a friendship where we can tell each other anything (it’s more me doing that rn honestly) and we won’t judge each other because it’s already happening actually. boyfriend or not, he’s still my breath of fresh air. romance or not i want him close because he’s like my anchor from floating away too much with my messed up imagination. (ohmygod I’m about to cry. but again, I cannot. i must not)

but I think what I failed to see is that maybe he doesn’t want that. I may not have given him enough time and space to get over what we had too. I’ve been so selfish of him that I didn’t see if I was suffocating him with my messages, the tweets I send him, tiktoks I show him. I think I’m making it difficult for him and that makes me more upset. he said it’s okay but maybe he’s just telling me this to be nice. when in reality he wants me to stay the fuck away and give him space. 

I didn’t see this because I wanted to be selfish, I didn’t even know. ever since I could remember I grew up always the youngest the family, the weirdest in the class, the one who couldn’t keep a best friend for more than a year, the scary awesome one amongst my moms students. 

bottom line i’ve always been alone.

I’ve lived in my village for years and it took me 20 to meet my neighbors who ended up being the friends i want to keep for life. but the trauma of my childhood is still with me. that’s why I always think that I’m annoying people, that I’m not enough for anyone, that they can live their life without me. because for one my real parents can do it, why shouldn’t anyone else?  every message I send that’s left seen or not read at all add to this trauma. even if I’ve learned to mask it and say im alright, I’m really not. this quarantine, it changed all that. I became more aware of what my friends are to me. and two of them became my bestest friends. one of whom became my boyfriend for such a short period it hurts. 

but they also have their own lives. which at some point I may not be a part of anymore. I’ve always been taught that no matter what we’ve gone through, friends can replace me. even forget me.

I’m so scared of that. 

I love the movie ‘The Intern’ because Anne Hathaways character perfectly described my fear of being alone. Like for him, he’ll find a nice girl he’d want to spend the rest of his life with without having to hide or be afraid of showing to friends and family and he’ll continue living and eventually maybe forget me. heck, right now he porbably can’t even tell anyone that he was in a relationship. anyone who’d ask him in the future he’d say he’s been single all his life until his first REAL girlfriend. (ok now im crying) I’ll probably never exist in his book as someone who loved him because... we could never be accepted by others. and it’s me who’s the villain and he’s the victim because it’ll look like I seduced him or forced him or something. not that im saying it’s the other way around but some people will never understand what we had, even if we did nothing wrong. 

as I’m writing this, I’ve thought about everything we did. the sneaking, the anxiety of someone spotting us, him probably having to be extremely secretive to his family and not being able to tell stories about his girlfriend. having to make excuses just to see me. keeping our conversations, pictures of each other hidden. basically i don’t exist. I was such a big problem to him and I let it happen.

altho I had my fair share of anxieties and secrets, he must be more pained than me. being allowed but never really telling who I am or what I meant to him. 

probably I shouldn’t exist at all in anyones life. 

someday when everyone has grown up and moved on, I’m afraid I’ll be alone again. probably in my own apartment that I worked for and have friends check in. family meddle with whatever is left of my life. and when they’re gone I’m completely alone and I’ll be alone in a grave somewhere beside strangers. 

I’ve been alone all my life. 

not until recently tho. both in terms of friendship and romance. 

but I’m afraid it’s happening again. 

and Idk what I’d do without them. and him. 

[myapogee]

therapy is expensive but tumblr read mores are free. (not that i want anyone to therapy me, i just need to vent)

at dinner i was like very obviously Not Good so my mom asked me about it and i sorta hummed and hahhed until saying how i just really hate my job and wanna quit and later this month i’m gonna talk to my boss about that to see if we cant find a way to make me Hate My Job Less

and my sister came in at some point, missing part of the convo, and was like “well if you’re going to quit, you need to start looking for work before then” and my mom’s all like, “yeah put your resume on linked in or indeed, etc”

and like. i told them i wasnt gonna quit for awhile, i’ll just let my boss know i’m unhappy and have a few months to work thru it and try to get happier and if that fails THEN i will quit.

but the reason i said that is because i dont wanna tell them my real back up plan which is “actually i dont wanna live at all, so if i quit or get fired i’ll probably just kill myself” bc that is not good etiquette to mention at the dinner table

idk i feel like. like when i was younger i was at a point where i was like “i want to die, but so does everyone else, so i guess i’ll keep living because they somehow do”. and then i learned i was wrong so i went into “i want to want to live, so i’m gonna make the most of what i have, now that i know wanting to die isn’t normal”. 

and now im just. like. fucking exhausted from trying that hard. i want to die, and i recognize that a certain amount of other people do too, and many of those other people either Actually Just Die or they get help or something i dont fucking know how the other ones get thru that tbh bc if i did i wouldnt be where i am. 

what if i just. spent my week off from work putting all my things into boxes. like drawings that i dont want my family to see into the recycling or a box labeled “please burn this if you respected me at all”. put some women’s clothes into a box labeled “never been worn: donate to good will”. etc etc. and then just. i dont fucking know man. i googled some stuff about overdosing on pills and google was like “here’s the suicide prevention hotline number”. thanks google, ya mean well. 

everyday just kinda sucks. and then if one thing goes a little wrong i spend the remainder wanting to die. and there are good moments. there are funny youtube videos. there are good tv shows. there are games of cards against humanity with my family and of D&D type games with online friends. there’s stuff that brings me joy. but its like. guess its fucking selfish of me to say but it’s... not enough? 

the biggest thing is almost def my job. and if i enjoyed it more, things would probably be better. so i should quit and find a new one. thats just. easier said than done.i wish my job could go back to being what it used to be. but things changed like a year ago or maybe two years now idfk time is an illusion. and its just. been shit ever since. 

i’ve started learning portuguese more seriously. been doing the few minutes a day on a couple different apps. i think. my ideal existence. would be moving out to my grandmother’s home in portugal, living alone now that they’ve moved on. it’s lovely there year round, so i get my exercise walking to the lil convenience store, getting some things to eat and bake with, having bread delivered by the bread truck to my home every day. the house is paid for, so all i have are utilities and food. which i pay for thru commissions online. maybe some sore of artwork with the local people. there’s land, and anyone who wants it can do with it what they will but all i ask is if they grow any food i get a little now and then. i get to be a hermit, but i’ll help out my neighbors now and then, and i know they’ll help me too. it’s a community, but with its share of isolation, and without the obligations i feel here. i grow old, having lived my own life on my own time. eventually, i’m found dead there, by a curious neighbor who didn’t care quite enough to find me before it was too late. but it wasn’t suicide. just age and the problems that come with it. but i’ve lived with minimal capitalism, with few to no family or friends or pets. there’s solace, silence, and peace. i have lived life, and can leave it without worry.

... that wont happen though. as long as my parents are alive, i am bound to them, and if i did manage to leave this house and go anywhere at all never mind portugal i dont think i would be free of the worry over them. familial obligation, holidays, etc. i can’t live without worry while i’m avoiding them and feeling guilty about it. but i can’t live as myself without worry while i’m still shackled to them too. if i stay alive, i’ll be in limbo for years as they grow older and i need to help take care of them or find people/places that can take care of them for me but that i need to pay for. etc etc. there’s so much. responsibility in this world. that i never asked for. god i just wish i was never born, really. it’s amazing to me now that anyone can have kids. like raise orphans or whatever sure. but to actually birth a child into this existence, knowing how terrible the world is? why would you choose to put someone through that? why force them to experience this, it’s dreadful. 

this. okay that latest paragraph, i wanna be clear, i 100% am not ever gonna kill someone. like i’m not gonna hurt my parents so i can live free or whatever, and i’m not saying taking someone out of this life is better than bringing them into it, etc. i’m suicidal sure but i’m not a fucking asshole.

anyways.

pls don’t... fucking reply to this in any way or even acknowledge it. i know it all already okay? the pandemic has brought people down. capitalism brings people down. the fucking winter and its holidays bring people down. i know. 

its just. a painful cycle to be in. and i really think. there’s only one way to break it. and we’re all gonna die eventually so it’s just. how long do i have to feel like shit. before i’ve earned freedom from feeling anything at all. why push back the inevitable. when it would benefit me so much to fucking embrace it.